


The Road to Kindness

by Shinigamiinochi



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: AU, Angst, BDSM, Child Abuse, Dark, M/M, NCS, Romance, Torture, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-20 23:01:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 69
Words: 864,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3668454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinigamiinochi/pseuds/Shinigamiinochi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After putting another one of his classmates in the hospital, Heero's mother, the CEO of a multi billion dollar company that Heero is the single heir to, becomes fed up with his attitude problems and forces him to enroll in a public, American high school. While there, he meets a mysterious boy named Duo that is hiding a very dark secret. Can Heero help someone who desperately needs his help, or will his past and personal issues destroy the boy he loves?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Author's Note

Author's Note: I usually don't do this, beyond leaving informational blurbs at the start or end of a chapter, but I feel the need to make an author's note for this story before I even dive into this.   
    Oh, what to say about The Road to Kindness. I guess, first off, this is my baby. This story has, at moments, taken my soul right out of me while writing it. I posted the first chapter of it on adultfanfiction in 2008. That's seven years ago. My writing has changed a lot since then, and I am quite sure that the first few chapters are a rough read, but I haven't put the story down since. It's long. Although it certainly isn't a fantasy story, I would label it as an epic, given it's sheer size. TRTK is going to be 12 chapters long and an epilogue. It is currently on chapter 8 with 880k words to its name. To say that it has gotten out of control in plot and scope is putting it mildly. It has even spawned a side fiction that is quite dear to me called Poisoned Memories, which features the stories of certain original characters in the story from their point of view. This story has more or less consumed my life.  
    Although I say that this story first emerged in 2008, that isn't true. I started writing it in 2004. It was legendarily bad back then. It was about a sixteenth of its current size and Duo was a lot wimpier, the antagonist a lot less evil and a more cartoonish. I like to think that I made better writing choices when I started to remake it. I thought up TRTK for two reasons. The first spawned its first reincarnation. I read a GW fanfic that featured the boys in a high school. Heero was a bullied teen hiding the fact that he was being raped and beaten at home by his guardian, and Duo was a jock who, at first, treated him like crap. It's been awhile, but in my memory, Duo was unable to help Heero and it resulted in him, eventually, hanging himself. After I finished reading that, immediately I wanted to write a story about a character hiding some dark secret as they vainly tried to act normal while surrounded by people who were clueless.   
    The original story was pretty basic and Heero did what he tends to do in Duo torture fics. He eventually swooped in and saved Duo and they lived happily ever after. When I went to remake this, I decided that I did not want to do that. I've read a lot of rape fanfics in the 15 years that I've been a part of this fandom, and in that time, I can still count the number of fanfics that didn't take that route on one hand. Because it seems like there are a majority of readers that don't want to read about the realism of rape, but want a white knight story where someone falls in love with the victim and defeats all their demons for them. They confess their love and that makes everything all better.  
    Well, I didn't want to write that story. I've written them before, but for this one, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to write a story that shows what rape and abuse and trauma can do to a person, how it can destroy you, turn you into something you were never meant to be, and how hard it is to move on from that trauma. I wanted to write a story where the only way the victim can be saved, and I mean truly saved, is by themselves. And I will admit, this story is very personal to me, and a part of the reason why I wanted a more realistic approach to this subject matter.   
    I have never been raped or beaten. While I have been verbally and emotionally abused, my experience with sexual and physical abuse does not come from me, but from someone very close to me. This experience is what spawned The Road to Kindness and A Stagnation of Love. I didn't have many friends growing up, but I was very close to one of my cousins. I hesitate to call him a cousin because, even though we didn't live together and were states apart, he was more like a big brother and best friend to me. A lot of times, he was the only person I could ever talk to, which is strange since he is five years older than me. He got me into horror and anime. He, and not my parents, gave me my first sex talk. Thanks to him, my revelation that I am gay was not as traumatic as it might have been.   
    So, when I learned for the first time that my uncle was raping and beating one of the only people in the world that I have ever looked up to, to say that I was shocked and hurt is putting it as mildly as possible. I was eight years old and I only found out about it because my cousin had fled the country with the help of his best friend's family. We talked about it at length much later, when I was old enough, but I remembered that, at 8 years old, I was just very, very confused and didn't understand how someone could do that to anyone, let alone a sweet kid like him. I still don't understand it. TRTK and ASOL are sort of my ways of letting some of that go, I guess. Although I don't think watching someone you care about almost get torn to pieces because of the actions of the people that were supposed to take care of him is something anyone can really let go.   
    The Road to Kindness, at its very core, is a love story. Not just romantic love, although there is definitely that, and a large portion of it is a Heero and Duo get together fic, but it's more than that. It's about the love of friends and family, how they can support you and bring you out of the dark when you need it the most. It's about loving someone you shouldn't, someone who is a monster, but you can't help loving them anyway. Most of all, it's about the ability to love your self, what can happen when that's taken away from you, and how hard it is to get it back when you've lost it, but how strong it can make you when you do.   
    I guess, what you really need to know is that this story is long, emotional, very dark at times, and still very much a work in progress. Some people love it, some can't stand it. It has graphic depictions of child abuse, including multiple scenes of rape. It's probably not an easy story to read and it sure as hell has not been an easy story to write. I've cried a lot writing it, and have gotten pissed on several occasions. This author's note shouldn't even be necessary, but since I've been accused of promoting pedophilia for daring to write about a child being sexually abused, I thought it necessary to clarify (and warn) to readers why this story exists and what it means to me. If you can get past all that, I hope at the very least that I can entertain a couple of you.   
    Anyway, this story (and ASOL) are dedicated to Toby, whose story actually does have a happy ending, and every single person who has ever had to experience these things. I don't have the words, really, I don't think anyone does, so I'll just leave it at that.   
    Enjoy.   
  
-Shii  
  



	2. Chapter 1: The Move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After sending one of his classmates to the hospital, Heero's mother decides to move them from London to America for some change of perspective. Heero is not at all thrilled.

The Road to Kindness  
  
Rating: NC-17  
Warnings: too many to name, but here's a selection; AU, OOC, NCS, dark, BDSM, drug use, language, bastardized characters, OC death, lemons, yaoi, child abuse, child rape, underaged sex, torture, violence, gore, angst  
Pairings, again, too many to name, but here are the main ones: 1x2, 3x4, unrequited 5+2, 5xOC, 6x2, variousOCx2, unrequited R+1, unrequited Solo+2  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters, nor am I making any profit at all off of the use of its characters and this story. However, I do own ALL of the OCs in this story, of which there are many  
  
Summary: After putting another one of his classmates in the hospital, Heero's mother, the CEO of a multi billion dollar company that Heero is the single heir to, becomes fed up with his attitude problems and forces him to enroll in a public, American high school. While there, he meets a mysterious boy named Duo that is hiding a very dark secret. Can Heero help someone who desperately needs his help, or will his past and personal issues destroy the boy he loves?   
  
  
  
Chapter 1: The Move/Prologue  
  
  
    It was ridiculous. He was seventeen years old, yet here he was, sitting in the principal’s office like some little kid. It was completely nuts! He supposed he could bring up his mother’s name, though that was childish itself. Despite what his so-called ‘peers’ thought, Heero Yuy could take care of himself and he certainly didn’t need the name ‘Yuy’ to get out of a messy situation. He smirked and the receptionist paled at the feral look on the imposing boy, looking away quickly, nervously. It amazed him how it was because of that name that people continued to challenge his strength. It was because of that that he was here, awaiting judgment once again. He settled back in his chair, completely relaxed. It didn’t matter, it would end the same as always. No one in this pitiful country would dare cause trouble for the Yuy family.   
    The principal, an overweight man in his fifties with a nervous look and a pasty complexion, ushered Heero into his office. Heero straightened out his black t-shirt and jeans with a diplomatic flair as though it was the principal who had done the offense and not the blue eyed teenager with the bruises on his knuckles.   
    “Uh, M-Mr. Yuy, p-please sit. Your mother will be here shortly,” the man stammered. Heero looked at him with a simple glance of annoyance, but sat down. The man hurriedly left the office, apparently terrified of being in Heero’s presence all alone. Heero snorted. It was no wonder that this school was so pitiful if such a weak man like that was running the show. He drummed his fingers on the hard wood of the chair. It was a nice office, everything dark wood and clean cut, but it was what he expected from the principal of a private, British high school. Even in a place like this that catered to England’s elite, a boy like Heero Yuy, heir to the Yuy empire of Japan, stood out. With a Japanese mother and a Russian father, it wasn’t much of a surprise. There were several Japanese students here, but none with spiky, messy brown hair and deep blue eyes. Those eyes were the trade mark of his father‘s side of the family, as far back as his great, great grandfather had had them and his father had passed them down to him, though his facial features were reminiscent of his mother’s father. He was tall at six foot one, unusual for one with Asian heritage, and looked intimidating even to the snobbish, brutal punks that littered the school. He would have cursed his mother for sending him to a place that did not suit his needs, but that spiel had grown old and if there was one thing that Heero hated, it was repetition.   
    Heero started to tap his foot as the minutes passed and still no one came for him. This was utterly ridiculous. He was a junior in high school, the single heir to a billion dollar company, and he was sitting here waiting to be scolded. This whole place was just like the principal’s office, opulent, but useless. The whole process was useless, really. It didn’t matter if he passed his classes or not, either way, he was going to fill in his mother’s shoes in the end, good grades notwithstanding, so what was the point of even attending school? What was the point of making friends when in the end he knew that everyone would either leave in fear of his status or stick to him like glue, hoping to become someone special while riding his coattails like some parasite? All that mattered was looking out for himself and trying to make sure no one mistook him for the kind of person that would let everyone else do his dirty work. Though he supposed that it was that sort of attitude that kept bringing him here.   
    The door swung open and his mother marched in, bringing with her an aura of power and authority that she always seemed to carry. Dressed in a gray business suit, Name Yuy (1) exuded professionalism, but behind her cool exterior, Heero could see the storm brewing, but he knew that she would never let it out. Her black, straight, shoulder length hair curled against her pale neck and her cool, black eyes stared at Heero. That there was no anger in them, only annoyance and disappointment and that strong _authority_ that she constantly exuded, made Heero shudder inside. He collected himself, even as the ever present child inside of him remembered when he had been on the receiving end of such looks in the past. The principal shakily followed her, obviously overwhelmed by her presence.   
    “Well, then?” Name asked, her narrowed gaze turning to the principal, who nearly jumped at her sudden noticing of his existence.  
    “W-well, Mrs. Yuy, I’m afraid that there has been an… incident with your son,” the man said nervously, looking at Heero. Heero grinned at him, making him flinch.  
    “Heero,” Name’s cold voice cut through her son and his grin vanished.  
    “What incident?” Name asked, her tone filled with impatience.  
    “H-he beat up another student. Anthony Clarence, he’s in the hospital.”  
    “Is he now?” Name narrowed her eyes at her son, “Very well. I will have a little talk with him, is that all?”  
    The principal nodded, his eyes fixed on Heero. Name frowned at the principal’s weakness and inability to punish her son for his obvious breaking of the rules. Once again, it was up to her to show him that there were consequences for his actions. This incident was just one too many, but she would do what she had to, for her son and for her company.   
    “Heero, come,” she ordered, walking out stiffly, knowing that Heero would follow her and he did, glaring at the principal as they left.   
  
  
    Heero tossed his leather jacket onto the couch and started to go up the stairs to his bedroom. His mother’s lecture could wait until later. Name, on the other hand, had different ideas.  
    “Heero Yuy!” she snarled. He froze, the child in him cringing at that tone, but the teenager wanted to ignore it, to show that he wasn’t a child anymore and to just walk upstairs and ignore her. Instead, he stood frozen between the two parts of him.   
    “What do you have to say for yourself?” Name demanded. Heero looked over his shoulder at her. Halfway up the stairs, he was taller than her, but he still felt small, like he was looking up at her for some reason. He hated how his mother could make him feel that way when no other person on the planet could restrain him.   
    “What is there to say? That stupid little shit-,”  
    “Don’t give me the same tired excuses, Heero, and don’t swear. You beat up that boy because you could. You perceived some slight, I’m sure, whether it was there or not, but no matter the reason, your actions are, as always, inexcusable. I will not have you embarrass us again. You will not be returning to that school.”  
    Heero shrugged. It didn’t matter to him what his mother thought. Deep down inside, a voice told him that that wasn’t true, he cared very much. In fact, Name Yuy was the only person in the world that he still cared for, but right now, all he could see were her cold, righteous eyes and the fact that she was right didn’t help his pride any. It didn’t matter to him that he wasn’t returning to that school. There was no point in going back to that place.   
    “Are you done ranting or can I go to bed now?”  
    Name turned her back on him and Heero seethed at the dismissal.  
    “Very well. If at any point you should feel hungry, you can heat up some dinner. I can see that speaking to you any further is useless. But, know this, I refuse to have a bully for a son.”  
    Heero snorted.  
    “I’ll be going to sleep now,” he sneered.   
    “No you won’t,” Name said with a bitter smile, turning around to look at her son’s reaction.       
He paused on the steps and stared back at her in confusion.  
    “Excuse me?”  
    “You will spend tonight packing your things. Tomorrow afternoon, five p.m. sharp, we will be on a plane to America. If you are not packed in that time, I will be leaving you here, though I don’t think you’ll do very well on your own.”  
    “What?!” Heero exploded, “You’re moving us, _again_?!” he snarled. Name pinched her nose wearily. “You’re moving us because of some stupid little weasel that couldn’t keep his fucking mouth shut?!”  
    “No, Heero,” Name sighed, “I am moving myself because Yuy Corporations is now doing business in America. I have decided to not work remotely because of your constant disregard and disrespect for your classmates. You’re brutish and childish behavior has forced my hand. If your father was still alive, he would be ashamed to call you ‘son’,” she spat, her eyes clouded with internal misery that she was far too good at hiding.   
    “Don’t be a fool,” Heero sneered cruelly, “Dad’s dead and that’s all. He’s dust and rot and he’s never coming back. Why don’t you just forget about him anyway-,”  
    Heero’s head snapped to the side as his mother strode up and slapped him.  
    “Cruel boy,” she said with poorly repressed anger, “when will you ever grow up?” she stormed towards the kitchen, “No matter, I will be gone tomorrow and you had better be with me. Maybe a change of scenery will change that disgusting attitude of yours.”  
    Heero’s hands clenched into tight fists and he glared at his mother’s back. This wasn’t happening! No way, there was no way he was going to a shit hole place like America! No way…  
  
End Chapter 1  
  



	3. Chapter 2: The Boy with the Broken Glasses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero's first day at his new school. He meets a strange boy named Duo who isn't at all impressed with his wealth or reputation, and a boy named Zechs who warns him not to be friends with Duo. Good thing Heero isn't so good at listening to 'friendly' advice.

Chapter 2: The Boy with the Broken Glasses  
   
   
         _“Come on, Heero, it’s time,” a kind, soft voice said and a warm hand was on his shoulder, gently urging him forward, but he didn’t care! He wanted to scream. He couldn’t stand the pitiful voices. What did they know?! He didn’t want to go there._  
 _‘It’s time to say goodbye.’_  
 _As Heero approached the bed, he saw that his father’s eyes were just as blue, just as bright as they had always been. His face, however, was horribly mangled and covered in blood. Heero stood next to the bed and his father ran a bloody hand through his messy, chocolate hair, like he always had._  
 _“Hey, kiddo,” Alexei Yuy croaked, his voice dry and broken. Heero wanted to run away from him, something screaming that this frail creature was not his father, but it was and he didn’t run._  
 _“Hi, daddy,” Heero managed to say._  
 _‘It’s time to say goodbye, Heero.’_  
 _He looked into his father’s eyes and saw that the light in them was fading._  
 _“I’m so sorry, baby, time just… got away from us…” his father’s voice was getting more strained._  
 _It was a lie! They had plenty of time! It was all lies…_  
 _“I’m sorry, Heero… so very sorry.”_  
  
          Heero awoke with the sun in his eyes and a headache pounding in his left temple. He groaned and rolled onto his back. He stared up at the alien, white ceiling of his new room. Unpacked boxes littered the large bedroom, the only things in their places were the sheets that he was sleeping on and the outfit he was going to wear to school, a green t-shirt, his leather jacket, and a pair of blue jeans. Heero rubbed at his sleepy eyes. What a terrible dream. It really wasn’t fair, he told himself, how things that had happened in his dream were so different than reality.  
          His father had died when he was twelve. He had been walking to a bistro during his lunch break when a supposed ex-employee had struck him with his car. His spine had become destroyed and the doctors hadn’t been able to save him, or so his mother had told him when she had brought him to the hospital to say his goodbyes. His face hadn’t been mangled and there had been no blood. His face had been as it always had been, as though nothing had happened and he would live forever. He didn’t. He had lasted six hours with Heero and his mother before passing away in his sleep. Heero knew all of these things, yet he continued to have those dreams. He sighed and rolled off of the bed, nimbly navigating around the boxes.   
          The kitchen was as huge as the one they had had in England, but the style was all wrong. It was simply off, different from what he was used to. Three years ago, Heero and Name had moved from Japan to England, but for some reason it hadn’t been as hard as this. There was no denying that America was a much different place than either England or Japan, even down to its buildings. The kitchen was empty, his mother having gone to meet with business partners in New York. Why they hadn’t moved there instead of this shithole town in Maine was beyond his understanding. His mother had said that she thought a separation between Heero and his fame would do him some good, but even she had to have realized that he would never be separated from that. The kitchen was mostly sparse. Neither of them had had a chance to really unpack and Name was forcing him to go to school as soon as possible. Exactly what she was trying to prove, he didn’t know. His mother was adamant on not hiring any help as she didn’t want her son to grow up spoiled and useless. He had always wondered about that, since his mother was an only child and controlled a multi-billion dollar company, but spoiled didn’t describe her a bit, especially compared to the posh living of her father and older brother. Heero knew that by the time he got home from school, if his mother got out of her meeting in time, all of her things would be unpacked and the house would be stocked with all that they needed. For right now, he settled for some toast and jam. As he ate, he watched the clock on the large oven that was big enough to be seen in a restaurant. If he didn’t go to class, what difference would it make? Heero shook his head. He might as well, it wasn’t like he had anything better to do anyway.   
   
          Heero was right in thinking that moving to an unknown city in Maine would not matter with his reputation. If there was anyone in the school that didn’t know something big was happening that day, they quickly got the hint when a jaguar parked itself in the student parking lot. Despite all of the whispers and gaping as Heero got out of the car and marched into the school, he ignored all of it. Even in the private British school he had been gawked at as Name Yuy’s only son and he was used to it. He even expected it. He smirked to himself as both girls and boys parted ways for him as though he were a rock star. St. Peters, Maine, was not a tiny, wooden town, it was more like a smaller version of Boston without the notoriety, but it was still easy for Heero to see that the people here were not used to the ‘real world’ intruding on them.   
          Over the years, Heero had been moved to four schools, including this one, but procedure never seemed to change; meet with the principal, get his schedule, mingle with the masses. His last principal hadn’t been worth the cost of his enormous desk, but, ironically, the principal of Peter’s High was made of sterner stuff. Treize Khushrenada seemed to have been yanked out of a nineteenth century romance novel with his polite mannerisms and noble speech, but authoritative looks and clear leadership skills. To Heero, he looked like the sort of man who wouldn’t take shit from anyone, let alone a seventeen year old boy, regardless of who his mother was, and at the moment he wasn’t sure if that was good or bad, but he filed it away for later consideration. Also unlike his last principal, Treize didn’t keep him waiting, he was there waiting for him in the office when Heero walked in. Treize’s light blue eyes were on him in a second and Heero could see the intelligence smoldering in them. Despite his usual dislike for anyone masquerading as someone with ‘authority’, Heero couldn’t help but respect the man, but that didn’t mean that he would like him. High school was a lot like prison, there were dealers and thugs and it helped to respect the warden, but getting too friendly with him only led to disappointment and problems.   
          “Heero Yuy?” Khushrenada asked in a tone that clearly said that he knew damn well that he was and he wasn’t impressed like his little fledglings. Heero nodded. It wouldn’t do to start anything this early in the game, at least not until he had all the facts, then the fun could begin.   
          “Here is your schedule,” Treize handed Heero a slip of paper, “your books will be given to you in class. Given your past delinquency, your mother has scheduled a meeting with me three weeks from now to see how you’re doing, so I suggest that you behave. If you get lost, your homeroom teacher will give you a tour when classes are over. For now, your homeroom and first class are down the hall, tenth door on your left.”  
          Heero gave him an odd look. He had never met someone who acted so much like his mother, authoritative and utterly unimpressed. He turned to leave, but Treize put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him. Heero bristled at the unwanted contact but stifled the urge to hit or bite the man.   
          “Hold it, Yuy.”  
          Heero tried as hard as he could not to glare at him, but a loathsome look escaped his shields anyway.  
          “I will tolerate no juvenile behavior, especially not from someone who has no excuse not to try to excel. Your homeroom teacher, who happens to be your science teacher as well, also happens to be my wife, so treat her right, do you understand me?”  
          Heero’s eyes widened and Treize smirked at the slip in his cool façade.  
          “Yes, sir,” Heero gritted out. It looked like Treize was going to win this one, but that was alright, even the tough ones fell down and in the end, Heero always won.  
   
   
          Treize watched Heero stalk out of his office and sighed. Why did he always get the hard cases? Speaking of hard cases…  
          “Mr. Khushrenada?” Treize’s secretary asked.  
          “Yes?”  
          “Mr. Maxwell is here to see you.”  
          Treize nodded.  
          “Send him in.”   
          A hard case indeed. Treize glanced at Maxwell’s file. All the facts were there, yet there was something bothering him about what was in there, though he could never figure out what it was. He was a good student, a bit strange, a bit sad, but the type of kid that every teacher prayed for, if a bit quiet and repressed. The type of kid that was for the most part unnoticed, perhaps bullied a little. Though, there was something about him that made Treize feel wrong inside.   
          “Mr. Khushrenada?” a small voice asked. Treize’s eyes softened as the boy entered his office on careful steps, like a deer in the presence of a wolf. Treize knew that he shouldn’t let the boy’s appearance affect his stern stature, but it did. There was something about him that made any pretense of coldness disappear.   
          “I’ll make this brief, Duo. You’ve missed five classes in the last three weeks. You know that the school rules state that I have to expel you. Further, I have tried to contact your father, but he has answered none of my messages.”  
          The teenager hunched in on himself. Treize recognized it. It was an old street fighting trick, when someone was overpowering you, make yourself smaller, a harder target.   
          “I’ve been sick,” Maxwell said and the closer Treize looked, the more he believed that, “and my dad’s been really busy, but it’s the truth.”  
          Treize nodded.  
          “Alright, I believe you and I’m sure that it will be easy to convince your teachers. However, I can’t keep sticking my neck out for you, Duo. Without a written letter from your father, I can’t give you anymore time. You miss one more class and I’ll have to expel you. My hands are tied.”  
          The boy, if at all possible, turned a bit paler.  
          “I understand,” he said under his breath. Treize couldn’t help but smile at him.  
          “You can go to your class now.”  
          Duo nodded and walked out of the office, mixed feelings of relief and fear squeezing his heart.  
   
   
          Heero blocked out everything around him as he sat in his science class. People swarmed around him, buzzing with excitement, but too nervous of his glowering state and impressive aura to approach him. When things finally seemed to settle down a little, he took a look around. Everything looked normal, everyone looked normal. He had thought that an American school would be more exciting, but he didn’t see the difference besides the obvious lack of pedigree. There was one exception, a very tall boy with long, silver-white hair and ice blue eyes that reminded him of someone he had met a long time ago, but he brushed that feeling off. The boy stared at him in interest, but Heero broke the gaze first, ignoring him. That boy was trouble. Just like him, Heero thought with a smirk, and that was not acceptable. There could only be one alpha dog and he would see to it that the silver haired boy learned his place.   
    Heero felt someone walk past him and he sat up straight. No one had dared get near him before. He looked up, but only got a dark brown braid as it passed before the person was sitting in their own seat further up the aisle. From the set of the person’s shoulder and the lack of a curve at their hip, Heero knew that it was a male. He was perturbed that they hadn’t given him so much as a look. How… odd. Still, the boy had obviously come in a bit late, so he had probably not noticed the newest addition to the class. That thought made Heero relax. He wasn’t comfortable with the attention he regularly got, but it was the natural order of things. Heero memorized that back. It was slim, clothed in a black t-shirt that was scuffed in some places and torn in others. The braid, strange on a boy, was dark and dirty, long strands of hair coming out at the base and tail. He looked thin, his braid dangling low near the boy’s jean covered thighs. He wasn’t normal, that was sure…   
          Then, their teacher arrived. From the second that she strode into her classroom, Heero thought that it was obvious that she was Principal Khushrenada wife. Une Khushrenada was almost as tall as her husband, but even more imposing with her thin rimmed glasses and cool brown eyes. Her long, dark brown hair fell against her back and as she took her spot by her desk, the whole room fell silent with a mix of respect and fear. It almost made Heero laugh, the site of over a dozen teenagers freezing because of one woman.  
          “Alright, let’s begin,” she said in a no-nonsense voice, “I’m sure you all know of our new addition, Heero Yuy, so introductions are not necessary.”  
          Heero looked at the boy in front of him to see if he had any reaction to the news that the new boy was sitting behind him, but he didn’t move at all. Heero frowned. What was wrong with the boy? Surely the news that the heir of the infamous Yuy Corporation was sitting in the classroom with him would garner some reaction, but nothing. Une said something more, but Heero heard none of it, only staring, transfixed on the strange boy.   
   
          Class ended and Heero had never been more bored in his life. Complex biology of marine life was not something that came to any interest or use for him. Instead, he spent the class looking at the back of the head of what he had dubbed ‘that odd boy’. The bell rang and students started to file out to their next classes. Heero held his breath as the odd boy stood. He couldn’t understand why he felt so anxious to see the boy’s face, but he was. Then, the boy turned around and Heero lost his breath all together. The boy’s thinness didn’t stop at his back. He wasn’t just thin, he looked a bit unhealthy, his skin both dirty and pale. But, beyond his frail form, his face was pretty, framed by a pair of thin glasses and his messy bangs. Then there was his eyes… oh, his eyes. They were wide with long eye lashes, but it was the color that made Heero’s chest tighten and grow hot. They were violet. Heero had never met anyone with violet eyes before. They were so beautiful, deep and nearly glowing. Heero knew that violet eyes were a product of pigment mutation at birth and were incredibly rare, yet none of that mattered right now.     The boy picked up his ratty duffle bag and started to leave with the rest of the class when he finally noticed that someone was watching him. Those wonderful eyes fell on Heero and the boy froze, his expression caught between a sort of paranoia and clear interest. Heero paused, ready to deflect any stupid questions that the other teenagers had desired to barrage him with, like ‘are you really him?!’ but they never came.  
          “Hi,” Heero tried to break the ice, smiling sexily at the boy. At seventeen years old, Heero had had time to explore his sexuality and had discovered that he was gay. What this meant for his future, he didn’t know, but he did know that some part of himself was attracted to this American.  
          “Hn,” the boy said, and walked away. Heero stared at his back in shock. What had just happened?! Was the kid really… ignoring him? Was he playing coy or did he really not care about Heero’s presence? Heero got up, shoving his new book in his book bag and ran after the much shorter boy. It was only when he stood that he realized how slight and small the longhaired teen was, but that didn’t faze him. He certainly wasn’t the shortest boy in class, but compared to Heero’s height, he was smaller, but just right.   
          “Hey, wait!” he called, grabbing the boy’s arm and pulling him back. The boy glared at him from behind his glasses and Heero saw that both the nose and one of the joints of the glasses were tied with tape and the left lens had a small crack in it.   
          “What is wrong with you?” Heero demanded, “I’m Heero Yuy-,”  
          “I know,” the boy interrupted, looking away from Heero’s eyes.  
          “Then why-,”  
          “The world doesn’t revolve around you!” the American snapped. Heero stared at him with wide eyes. Only his mother had dared snap at him before. He didn’t like it one bit.  
          “You’re going to learn that sad fact sooner or later,” the boy murmured and broke away from Heero’s grip, disappearing into the hall. Heero watched him go in amazement.  The boy truly didn’t care about who he was, he had even scolded him without fear. Heero should have been angry about that, but he only felt intrigued. He had to know him, and he vowed, by the end of the week, he would more than just close friends with him… whether the kid wanted that or not.   
   
            
   
          Math was, somehow, even more boring than Science. It was ridiculous how far behind America was in education compared to England and Japan. He knew everything his text books had to offer. What was the point in trying? His whole future was already decided and putting so much effort into something so useless was just a waste of time. His only consolation was that the longhaired boy was in the same math class as him. He once again sat in the front of the class while Heero followed him closely, resolving to never let him out of his sight. He frowned when he discovered that the silver haired boy was also in their class and as the brunette passed him, he tripped over the silver haired boy’s outstretched foot.   
    Those violet eyes met icy blue, but he kept on walking to his seat, to Heero’s amazement. Heero glared at the silver haired boy, but the tall stranger only smirked at him. Those icy blue eyes, so different from the other boy’s bothered him. Normally, he would have wiped that smirk off of the arrogant boy’s face, not for the short boy’s sake, just because the silver haired boy annoyed him, but he didn’t. He found that he didn’t want the violet eyed boy to see him do something so… what had his mother called it? Brutish? He told himself that the right way to do surveillance was to become close to the target and to do that, he couldn’t frighten the boy off by beating up one of his classmates, even if he was asking for it with that smirk. Another part of Heero, someplace buried, deep down inside of him, told him what a horrible thing it would be for the braided boy to not like him or, worse, be disgusted in him, but he was used to ignoring that little voice and shoved it back down.   
          If Heero had had the time to think about what he was doing, he would have been appalled by his own stalker-like behavior towards a boy that refused to be friendly with him, but he didn’t think. Since meeting him, he hadn’t done a whole lot of thinking at all, just reacting. Still, he watched and waited for class to be over for his chance to pounce. Next period was lunch which meant he would have plenty of time to talk to him. What if he still spurned his advances, that annoying voice piqued. Heero ignored it again. Even if he had to force his friendship on him, he would not leave school today without figuring the mystery boy out. At this point, he didn’t know if it was his pride talking or his libido. He questioned why he would be attracted to a boy with torn clothes and dirty hair when no other boy had made him feel that way, or at least close to the feelings he had now, but it was undeniable that there was something there that interested Heero. Hn, an intimate encounter with Heero Yuy, several of the boys in his last school would have jumped at the chance, just for bragging rights, yet he somehow knew that this boy, gay or not, would be a project. He liked projects.   
          Class ended and Heero stood, readying to trail his ‘project’ once more, but he was stopped by the silver haired boy. Heero glared at him for getting in his way, but the other boy was either oblivious or ignoring him.   
          “Zechs Merquise, you must be the infamous Heero Yuy,” Zechs stretched out his hand to shake, but Heero ignored it, his eyes following the braided boy as he started to leave the classroom.  
          “Who is that?” he blurted out. Zechs frowned, his eyes narrowing, following Heero’s own gaze and Heero saw the heat in them, but he couldn’t tell if it was lust or anger, maybe a bit of both. That look made Heero’s chest clench.  
          “Duo Maxwell. What’s someone like you doing asking questions about someone like him?” Zechs asked in a clipped voice, obviously upset about something. Heero watched as the tip of Duo’s braid disappeared out of the door. Duo… it was a strange name for an American, but it somehow suited him.   
          “What’s wrong with asking about him?” Heero asked, though he was only half paying attention, too busy mentally cheering that he at least knew the mystery boy’s name. Zechs smirked.  
          “Like you, everyone in school knows of him, but that doesn’t mean that he’s popular, do you understand?”   
          Heero narrowed his eyes at him.  
          “If you’re done making up riddles, I have better things to do.”  
          “I’m trying to say that you shouldn’t get involved with him. He’s not worth the great Heero Yuy’s time. He’s a waste of space.”  
          “If I wanted a list of people you think appropriate for me to be associated with, I would have asked for it,” Heero snapped. Zechs glared at him, but then smirked again.  
          “Fine, don’t say that I didn’t try to warn you. If you’d rather be friends with him than me, that’s none of my problem,” Zechs walked out of the room, patting Heero shoulder as he left, making Heero stiffen under his touch.   
   
          Heero gathered his stuff and went on his way to drop his things off at his locker. He had didn’t know what Merquise had against Duo, but he had a pretty good idea. It wasn’t exactly that he didn’t like him, it was typical bully fare, something that Heero had seen hundreds of times, so he didn’t think anything of it. The last thing he would do was be friends with a boy like Merquise. It wasn’t because of the bullying, it was simple behavioral science. You couldn’t have two alphas in one pack, too much competition. On his way to the lunch room, hoping that he would be able to find Duo again, he got his wish and saw Zechs and Duo arguing at Duo’s locker, only it looked like Zechs was the one doing most of the talking while Duo appeared to be ignoring him. Suddenly, Merquise grabbed Duo’s upper arm in a tight grip and slammed him against the locker.     Something inside of Heero flared to life. He had seen people being bullied hundreds of times, but had never thought to step in and help. He had even been a bully a few times, though he only targeted those that he knew would be formidable opponents; otherwise what was the point? But, the sight of Duo’s small body pinned against the metal locker made him want to do something. What did he care? Heero thought. Still, there was this strange feeling inside of him, almost like… protectiveness? He looked around and noticed that, even in a sea of people, no one stopped to help Duo out. Heero saw Duo saying something to Zechs and the silver haired boy sneered, but released him. Merquise left Duo to pick up his things, then the violet eyed American left for the lunch room with Heero tracking his every step.   
   
          Duo didn’t seem to notice Heero following him to the cafeteria, in the lunch line, or even back to a table. Heero, on the other hand, did notice a few things. The first was actually the most important, Duo’s ass was really, really nice, especially in the jeans he was wearing. The second was that Duo was either a very light eater or didn’t have the money to get a proper lunch because he only got a salad and some milk. Heero scoffed at the notion that anyone was poor enough that they couldn’t even afford a school lunch, he hoped that the kid didn’t have an eating disorder or something. He had no respect for people like that. The third thing that Heero noticed was that, while the other tables seemed to be packed in, there was a perfectly good empty table that Duo sat at, but no one else even looked at it, as though no one would dare to sit with him, or perhaps this was just expected behavior. It was probably for this reason that Duo looked up when Heero sat at the table with him. Duo’s violet eyes narrowed and he glared at him.   
          “What do you want?” he demanded. Heero smiled.  
          “What makes you think that I want anything?”  
          Duo snorted and returned to his salad.   
          “Look, I don’t know what you and Zechs talked about, but why don’t you just go sit with him and leave me in peace?”  
          Heero frowned at Duo’s assumption that his presence had anything to do with Merquise.   
          “What is your problem with me?”            
          Duo’s head snapped up and his eyes were fierce, like they were on fire. Heero’s breath caught in his throat.   
          “My problem is that I don’t have the time or patience for spoiled little rich boys on a power trip,” Duo snapped. Heero’s pride prickled at the slight.  
          “So you’re just going to make assumptions about me based on what you think I am? Isn’t that a bit judgmental?” Heero shot back.   
          “I saw you coming a mile away. You just can’t stand that there is one person out there that isn’t going to bow to your every whim. Well, I’m sorry, but just being born doesn’t impress me. Especially since you let someone like Zechs Merquise talk you into coming over here and bothering me. What did he tell you? That it would be funny if you put something in my food? Or was it something a little less juvenile? I sure hope so, or you’re even less than what I thought of you.”   
          Heero gritted his teeth.   
          “Zechs didn’t tell me to do anything, and even if he did, I wouldn’t stoop to his level.”          
          Duo flicked his bangs out of his eyes.  
          “So? Is that supposed to make me feel better? I guess that means you decided to annoy me all on your own.”  
          Heero sighed in exasperation.  
          “So I’m rich, why do you hate me because of that?”  
          “I don’t hate you,” Duo protested, “I don’t trust you.”  
          Heero leaned in, making Duo flinch and move back.  
          “And what does it take to impress you?” he demanded. Duo blinked at him in confusion.  
          “Excuse me?”  
          “You’re right, you don’t know me and I am intrigued by you. But, I’m not spoiled and I’m not trying to annoy you. Maybe if you actually gave me a chance, you would see that.”  
          “And if I do give you that chance, then what?” Duo snapped, “What is that going to prove? That you’re a nice guy for pitying me? That you managed to figure me out?”  
          “That’s up to you to decide,” Heero said, “but I think it’s more pitiful that you won’t even give me that chance.”  
          “Fine! But if you try anything-,”  
          “I won’t,” Heero interrupted, using that leverage to gain what little footing that he could, “I guess tomorrow I’ll just have to prove to you that I’m not the bastard you take me for,” he said, dumping his fries onto Duo’s tray and leaving while he still had the last word. Duo stared at Heero back as he left. What the hell had just happened?! He looked down at the food Heero had left him. Heero Yuy… just what the hell did he really want? Why go through all of this just for a ‘chance’? Why ruin his reputation by talking to him and why try so hard? Duo nibbled on one of the warm fries. He knew one thing: if Heero thought that he was easy in his friendship or anything else in that matter, he was in for a rude awakening.   
    As Heero left the cafeteria, he wore a triumphant smile on his face. It wouldn’t be easy, but at least now he had a chance… things were looking more and more interesting by the minute.  
   
   
   
          For the rest of the day, Duo saw that Heero had backed off at least a little and felt relieved. He didn’t know what he would have done if Heero had decided to follow him home from school. He talked tough, but in reality, Heero was much bigger, and more powerful, than him. He didn’t see how he could have prevented him from chasing him all over the place. And if he did try to retaliate, well, no doubt a Yuy would have all sorts of ways of making him suffer for it. But, he really wasn’t all that intimidated by him, at least not yet. In the end, Heero Yuy was still just a boy, only two years older than he was, and as the saying went, he had bigger fish to fry. Heero just happened to be a pretty large fish himself.   
          The day was cloudy and gray, but it had yet to rain, thankfully. Duo kept a close watch to make sure that he wasn’t be followed as he always did when he went home. He left the comfortable scenery of the school and suburban side of St. Peters to the taller buildings of the city. He ducked into alleys and side streets until he was miles away from the school and he found himself in a back alley, standing in front of an old metal door that had been spray painted a thousand times with Chinese graffiti.   
          “I’m home,” he called as he entered the tiny, two bedroom apartment that he called home that was in the back of an Asian restaurant, where his ‘father’ did his business.  
          “It’s about time,” a gruff voice called. Duo rolled his eyes where his guardian couldn’t see. He could spend only two hours at school and Wes Maxwell would consider it ‘too much time’. Duo walked into the kitchen where Wes was looking over some paperwork.   
          “You’re needed at Lane St, you got that?”  
          Duo nodded.  
          “Is that all?”  
          “Vanilla this time. You should be so grateful,” Wes turned to look at his ‘son’. Wes was six foot seven, imposing even by height, but he wasn’t thin nor fat and Duo knew very well that it wasn’t all presence that Wes had going for him. He was more than willing to show everyone that size mattered and he wasn’t afraid to use a little force to get what he wanted. He and Duo looked nothing alike, for good reason, Wes had messy blonde hair and cool gray eyes, looking much like the shark that he was. The reason why there was no resemblance between father and son was because Wes wasn’t Duo’s father, not by a long shot.   
          “You haven’t been returning Khushrenada’s calls,” Duo mentioned. Wes snorted, looking up from his paperwork.   
          “I told you that the second you decided to go to that school it would be your responsibility.”  
          “If I miss anymore classes, I’m going to be expelled,” Duo protested.   
          “And this is my problem, how?” Wes sneered. “I told you where your priorities lie and if you dare start putting that damn school before your job, I told you what would happen.”  
          Duo paled a little, but refused to let any other reaction show. Wes frowned.   
          “Fine. I’ll take care of it,” Duo murmured.  
          “I’m sorry, what was that?”  
          “Yes, sir,” Duo gritted out.   
          “Better, but you’d better take care of that attitude.”   
    “I’ll go, then,” Duo said, shoving his duffle bag into a corner. He turned to leave, but Wes made a grab for his braid, slamming him against the wall. Duo choked, pain flaring up his neck.  
    “How many times do I have to tell you?” Wes snarled, “No glasses when you’re on a job!”   
    Duo felt the man release his hair and he hastily took his glasses off, squinting as his vision suddenly blurred.   
    “I’m sorry, I forgot.”  
    “Damn right you’re sorry,” Wes growled, returning to the kitchen table, “now get the fuck out of my sight.”   
    Duo took off while Wes was temporarily appeased.   
   
          Duo had decided a long time ago that vanilla assignments were the best. He didn’t have to dress up or prepare in anyway, he just had to go to where he was told and wait to be picked up. Wes had called it ‘easy money’ once.  
          ‘Yeah, let’s see if he thinks it’s so easy when he’s the one doing it,’ Duo thought bitterly as he waited for his customer to pick him up.   
          Duo had been an orphan for as long as he could remember before Wes had come along and taken him from the gutter. Before meeting his current guardian, his life had been spent stealing, digging food out of dumpsters and just trying to survive. He didn’t remember if he had ever had any parents, all he remembered was his name. As a child, he had heard of such wonderful fairytales from other orphans. One day, a kind person, for some reason, would pick up a street kid and adopt them and they would live rich, happy lives forever. But, even as a child he had realized that those stories were just that, stories.     He was six when he had first spotted Wes. He had been looking for something, an orphan to take home with him, he learned later. A year later, he had approached Duo with a deal; he would give him a place to live and plenty of food if he did a few jobs for him. It had seemed like a good deal, but a street kid is always cautious and Duo knew that if something sounded too good to be true, then it was. Still, hunger took on a life of its own and Duo found himself following the blonde man back to his apartment. What had happened next was obvious.   
   
          _“What do I have to do?” Duo asked. At seven years old, his hair was already long, though not at the length it would be as a teenager. Still, he was pretty with his wide violet eyes and soft face. Wes was just as tall and imposing as he would be over the years and could easily crush the child with one hand. Instead, he handed Duo a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which the child ate quickly without a second thought. Wes smiled at him, but it was the smile of a reptile._  
 _“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”_  
  
 _Duo discovered much later that the sandwich had been drugged, but that became obvious when he awoke in a strange place. The room seemed cold, but realized that he was naked and the room was actually a bedroom. He had been laid on Wes’ bed, left alone for a few minutes. He had thought that it was odd, but as he tried to move, to get off the bed and run away, he found that he couldn’t. He wasn’t tied down in any way, his body just refused to do what he ordered it to. He was trapped. He panicked as Wes walked into the room, but only his eyes showed his feelings. His arms and legs were limp and he realized that even if the drugs wore off in time, he would not be able to escape the towering man. Wes undid his tie and dropped it to the floor. Duo had thought that he had looked so respectful in his suit, but he knew now that he was wrong._  
 _“I’m sure by now you can guess what is going to happen and what job I want you to do,” Wes smirked to himself, “I knew that getting a street kid would be better. Less tracks to erase and you’re so much less… unworldly than kids from proper homes. I don’t have to explain shit. But, right now, it’s just you and me and I’m going to give you a little deal. In about twenty minutes, those drugs are going to wear off and you’ll be able to move around. Before then, you and I are going to have a little bit of harmless fun. Then, I’m going to start to show you the ropes. If at any time, you try to run or hurt me in any way, I will hunt you down and I will hurt you. If you continue to fight me, I will kill you. I trust that you can understand these terms. Now then…”_  
 _Duo had little time to register what the man was saying before he was no longer alone on the bed. Wes spread his bare legs to examine him, spreading Duo’s buttocks and pressed a finger to his entrance. Duo felt tears start to build up in his eyes._  
 _“No…” he managed to croak out. He tried over and over again to get his body to respond, but nothing happened. He choked out as the finger slipped inside of him. It was weird, but didn’t actually hurt, but he didn’t care! Wes was right, he did know what he wanted from him. You couldn’t live on the streets and not know things like this, even if you had never done it yourself. He also knew what happened to little kids playing whore and he had promised himself that he would never do that!_  
 _Any protests Duo could have voiced were drowned out by his cry as he felt another finger enter him and start to stretch him._  
 _“It’s nothing personal, kid,” Wes said as he thrust his fingers in and out of Duo’s body, “but you’re pretty and cute and you’d be amazed how hard it is to find little boys like you with no attachments.”_  
 _Wes took a tube of ointment out of his pocket and unzipped his slacks. Duo looked at the man’s cock with wide eyes. No, he didn’t want that thing inside of him! But, things were out of his hands now and all he could do was squeeze his eyes shut and scream as Wes bent him double with his legs near his head and shoved into him._  
 _It hurt. He knew that it would, but knowing something and actually feeling it were two completely different things. He screamed his head off as the solid, large thing was thrust inside of him. He could feel something ripping and hot liquid running down his legs. He felt the large man’s weight on him and every inch of his length, he could smell his hot breath on his face and kept on screaming until his throat felt raw._  
 _“That’s ok,” Wes panted, slowly moving in and out of the boy, “scream all you want, kid, no one’s going to come for you.”_  
 _Duo sobbed, the rhythm of that hurtful organ moving inside of him was insane and he wanted to throw up or fade away or something, but he only laid there and felt what was happening to him._  
 _“Don’t worry about the blood,” he heard Wes saying, “even girls bleed their first time, it’s only natural.”_  
 _The minutes passed and Duo could feel some of his mobility returning in his arms, but his legs were still useless to him. His eyes widened as Wes wrapped his hands around his slim throat and squeezed. He had lied! He was going to kill him!_  
 _“Ssh,” Wes cooed in his ear as he strangled him. Duo’s vision began to gray and he saw little red spots start to dance. He gasped for breath and squirmed, grabbing at the man’s arms with the little strength that he had. He heard him moaning and the thrusts became harder, faster, more brutal. His vision turned to black and he clawed at the skin under his hands to no avail. Then, the grip was released and fresh air flooded his lungs. He took two deep breaths, then choked as Wes tightened his grip again and he started to feel himself fading away, but he still fought as much as he could._  
 _“That’s it, struggle, perfect…” Wes groaned, releasing his grip when he felt the boy’s pulse become too faint, only to tighten again when he regained some breath, over and over again, bringing him to the brink of death and back. Duo’s struggles ceased, but he still cried. He suddenly felt a strange wetness explode inside of him and those evil hands left him. Too weary to do anything but breath, Duo lay there, listening to his gasping pants and Wes’ heavy, satisfied breathing._   
   
          Duo shook himself out of his memories. He wasn’t that child anymore. He was older, wiser. He knew now that Wes had never intended on killing him, he was too valuable. It had been eight years since that day, but he somehow still felt as vulnerable as he had been then. He supposed that he could run away as far as he could and hope that Wes never found him, but what would be the point? It was either whore himself for food and shelter or go back to the streets. Either way, he was in the same situation. In one, he could feel his humanity bleeding out of him, in the other, he was starving or dead. At least this way, he got to go to school. Though, that may not be for much longer if he couldn’t find a way to balance these jobs and his classes. He hadn’t lied to Khushrenada, he had been sick, though it hadn’t been the flu. He couldn’t afford to let these jobs get to him, that was clear. He asked himself what the point of school was since he was obviously never going to do anything with an education, no matter how good his grades were, but he knew the answer, just a few hours being a normal kid kept him sane.   
          He knew all about Heero Yuy, the boy wonder. He had asked him why he hated him. The truth was, he loathed him because he didn’t even have to try. Just by being born, Heero had gotten everything he could want, yet he didn’t even try to make something out of his life while Duo didn’t even have a choice. No matter what he did, because he was pretty much born in the gutter, he would live there for the rest of his life. How could he not hate him? Still, Heero was right, he wasn’t being fair. He wondered what Heero would think if he could see him now? Further more, why did the thought of Heero finding out about his real life make him feel so dirty inside? Why did he care anyway? His ride finally pulled up and he got inside without a second thought.  
  



	4. Chapter 3: Bringing Duo Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When she learns about Heero's new friend, Name worries that Duo might be using Heero to get close to the Yuy family. Duo disobeys Wes and spends a night at Heero's house, but is soon reminded of just why he is so terrified of his pimp.

Chapter 3: Bringing Duo Home  
   
   
   
    It was a pity that the buses didn’t run this late, Duo thought. He didn’t have the money to get from Brian Ave back to Park St where he lived, but it would still be nice to see some life so late at night. It was one in the morning and Duo considered himself officially ‘off duty.’ He knew that, as a teenage whore, he could have things much worse. Still, his ass burned and he felt worn out. He had to get up for school in the morning and, in reality, four hours of sleep wasn’t cutting it anymore. He felt his chest tighten and he coughed roughly into his hand, the loud, dry sound breaking the silence of the early morning.  
          “Hey, Duo!” someone called from behind him and snapped him out of his thoughts. Duo looked over his shoulder, startled, and grinned.  
          “Hey, Solo !” he cried and ran towards the prostitute that had called him, a tall boy only three years his senior wearing a pair of cut off shorts, a mesh blue top, and a red bandana that held his messy blonde hair out of his green eyes.  
          “You heddin’ home?” Solo asked. Duo nodded  
          “Just got off.”  
          Solo frowned.  
          “When you gonna let go of that ass? A pretty little kid like you deserves better!” Solo caressed Duo’s cheek. Duo snorted.  
          “Don’t we all? Besides, what about you? At least I’ve got a roof over my head and an education!”  
          “At least I’m free!” Solo snapped, “I decide who I fuck! You may live in an apartment and get free education, but you do everything that sick bastard tells you to do! You even let him fuck you for no charge! If that isn’t rape, I don’t know what is!” Solo yelled.  
          “Just drop it, Sol’,” Duo pleaded tiredly. It was too late in the day for such arguments. Solo backed down.  
          “Alright, but you know I love you, Duo, right? I just worry about you, that’s all. I got a _choice_ in this, but what happened to you… that’s just wrong.”  
          Duo shrugged.   
          “Nothing in life is fair. If it was, I’d be livin’ with a family, not with Wes, and working at some retail store so I could go to the movies with my friends, not whorin’ myself. Life’s not fair. Hell, Solo, you’re the only friend I’ve got, but you’re the best, better than any of the shits I go to school with. That’s something, right?”  
          Solo pulled him into a tight hug and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.   
          “Damn right, kiddo, damn right. But I still want you to take care of yourself, you hear?”  
          “I promise, I’ll try my best,” Duo said in Solo’s ear and they parted. The two teenager said their goodbyes, only for Duo to walk right into a telephone poll, making Solo laugh. Duo glared at the telephone poll, realizing that walking this late at night without his glasses probably wasn’t the best idea. He waved back at Solo’s direction and left for home. It tore at his heart, knowing that he might not see his best friend ever again, but that was just a price that they all paid.  
   
          Duo had met Solo four years after he had been taken in by Wes. He had been waiting on a street corner for his pick up when the blonde teenager had walked up to him. Duo had been twelve, Solo fifteen. At first Solo had thought that he was just some lost kid and had tried to help him, only to become outraged when he had discovered that he was a whore, too, and had been since he was seven. They had both lived their whole lives on the streets, the only difference was that Solo was the leader of a gang and had more protection than Duo ever had. Or at least, he had until a rival gang had killed all of them except for Solo, leaving him alone. Solo had fallen on hard times and had turned to prostitution to survive. They had been friends since that day, though their paths rarely intersected. Duo knew all about Solo’s feelings for him and that they were more than just that of friendship, but Solo also knew that Duo didn’t love him in that way. Duo had told him that he was his best friend and was willing to do anything for him. He couldn’t love him, but he could give him what he wanted sexually. Solo had refused. He refused to be another Wes, forcing sex on someone just for his own needs. Despite the knowledge of Solo’s feelings and Duo’s proposition, their friendship had withstood for all those years. Before meeting Solo, he had never had a friend and it was still a strange concept for him, but he trusted Solo with his life, and his body, something that came hard for him. He would probably never find another friend like Solo, but one true friend out of the hundreds of assholes he knew wasn’t so bad.   
          As he went on his way back home to Park Street, he ran into several things; a wall, two poles, and even a bench. He became frustrated with his lack of vision, but continued to walk. He wasn’t exactly sure what was wrong with his sight. It had all started one day when he had finally gotten the courage to try to run away. Wes had caught him. He didn’t remember much from that day, even before the escape attempt, he just remembered a lot of running, then Wes slamming his head into the floor. He remembered the pain well, the flaring heat shooting through his skull and the feeling of blood running through his hair and then… blackness. When he had woken up, his vision had been blurry and it had stayed that way for weeks until he had found a pair of discarded glasses in a dumpster. Even with the glasses, his vision wasn’t what it had been, but it was slightly better than the blurry mess without them. Remembering what colors things were helped a lot. For example, he knew that all the park benches in this area were green, so he stayed away from any green that he happened to see. It wasn’t like he was blind, he just saw colors more clearly than the actual objects themselves.   
          He made it home with only a few new bruises and immediately found his glasses and put them on. It was always a shock to him, suddenly being able to see more clearly after hours of blurriness. He felt a hand on his arm and flinched. He knew without looking that it was Wes. He could smell him, feel him, and he knew that it was him. His insides shudder, the feeling of that man… touching him filled him with revulsion, but he didn’t move. He was his ‘father’ after all. Or at least, that’s what Duo’s school records showed. If anyone dared to look close enough, though, they would find that Duo Maxwell and his father didn’t exist. All of his school records were fakes, including the address, which gave a place on Baltic Street, next to Park Street, that didn’t exist. Of course, Baltic Street did exist, so no one thought anything of it. The telephone number belonged to a cloned cell phone of Wes’ which he could discard at anytime. If anyone had ever sat down and really thought about it, they would have realized that they had never met or spoken to Duo’s father or visited his house, but they didn’t. Sometimes it paid off, being unnoticed, though Khushrenada’s perusing could be a bit bothersome, but Duo doubted anything would come out of it.   
          “Well?” Wes asked impatiently. Duo turned to meet him, schooling his expression to one of no expression, something that he knew that Wes hated. It was something of a small victory, knowing that he could upset the man. He loved to force Duo to show his emotions, to scream and cry, so making him wonder what Duo was feeling and knowing that he wasn’t able to evoke those emotions without the use of force and pain was a pitiful sort of triumph, but he took what he could get. He reached into his jeans and pulled out a wad of bills, honestly won and handed them over to Wes who counted them. Duo waited for a frown to come over his face or an angry blow, but it never came and he relaxed. Wes, satisfied with Duo’s earnings, still cast him a suspicious look. Wes never seemed to trust anyone but then again, Duo thought, when your business partners were pimps and drug dealers, it was probably good practice not to trust.  
          “This all of it?” he asked, his gray eyes narrowing. Duo resisted the urge to sigh and roll his eyes and instead turned out his pockets, which were both empty and rolled up the legs, taking off his boots and showing Wes that they were both empty. Wes’ eyes roamed over Duo’s form, his perusal turning from business to lust.   
          “On your knees,” he ordered. Duo’s revulsion heightened. It wasn’t all that strange for Wes to force him to do things like this, but it didn’t mean that he had to get used to pleasuring his rapist.   
          “Wes, I’m tired,” he pleaded. Suddenly, Wes grabbed the back of his neck and squeezed, making Duo choke at the pain. Memories flooded him and phantom pain stirred in his chest.   
          “On your knees,” Wes demanded, releasing Duo only to let him fall to his knees, dazed. With automatic, numb hands, Duo unbuckled the man’s pants and opened his boxers, taking out his hard dick. It always looked and felt different to him than the others and he told himself it was because it was the cock that had hurt him so badly the first time. He wrapped his hand around the base and lapped at the head. He hated how hot and heavy it felt. If he thought about it hard enough, he could still taste his blood on it. Wes groaned at the feeling of the hot tongue on him and grabbed the boy’s head, thrusting all the way inside of his mouth. Duo choked, but was used to such treatment and continued to work him, sucking and wetting the organ to let Wes fuck his mouth easily. The blonde’s nails dug into his scalp as he pressed Duo’s head against him, making it hard for him to breathe. Duo balanced by putting his hands on Wes’ thighs, feeling the muscles under the slacks tighten as he exploded inside of him. Thick seed filled his mouth and he felt nauseous at the taste, but Wes didn’t let go of his head, keeping him there.   
          “Swallow it. All of it,” he ordered. With a wince, Duo complied, swallowing the heavy mass unpleasantly. Wes finally released him and Duo moved away, coughing.   
          “Open your mouth,” Wes demanded. Duo opened his mouth wide, showing that he had swallowed everything. Wes patted him on the cheek, pushing up his bangs to kiss his forehead.  
          “Good boy, now go to bed.”  
          Duo stood up and started to make a go for the false security of his small bedroom, only for Wes to grab the back of his shirt and pull him back.   
          “Here,” he said, putting a five dollar bill in Duo’s hand and letting go of his shirt, “for lunch tomorrow. Don’t ever say I didn’t get you nothing, kid.”   
          Duo walked briskly to his room, not taking the chance that Wes might change his mind and not be satisfied with just a blow job, though he was sure that if he really wanted that, he would just wake him up anyway. It wouldn’t be the first time Wes fucked him in his own bed while he was still half asleep. He made a quick journey to the bathroom to throw up and drink some water from the sink to get the taste of vomit and semen out of his mouth.   
   
   
   
         _Duo awoke with no sense of time. The only thing he knew was that he was in pain, both blood and semen cooling on the sheets between his still bare legs. He looked up at the ceiling with no desire to move or even scream. His throat was terribly raw and he could taste blood from both screaming and choking. He was, thankfully, alone, but the spot next to him was warm and he realized that the man had slept beside him. That fact made him shudder. He experimentally moved his legs and found that his muscles were sore from the drugs, but he was able to move and that was something. Now, he just needed to come up with a plan. The man was nowhere in sight and he didn’t hear him moving around in the next room. But, he remembered what Wes had said about escaping. He had hurt him so badly last night, but if he didn’t consider that pain, Duo didn’t want to find out what the bastard could think of as a punishment._  
 _He laid there silent, his thoughts buzzing uselessly in his head. Finally, he take no more as the black hole in his head started to grow. He knew that if he concentrated on it for too long, he would go insane, so he flexed his legs and rolled off the bed. As his feet hit the ground, a small noise of pain escaped from him and he felt more blood start to trickle down his tacky thighs. He ignored it for the time being and walked to the closet, finding his long white t-shirt inside and slipped it on. It fell, as always, to his knees and the back of it started to stain with his blood. He stank of sex and blood, but he walked aimlessly. He had no idea where he was going or what he was doing, all he could do was move and hope that his legs would take him somewhere, anywhere where things didn’t hurt so much. Somewhere where he didn’t have to think his dark thoughts anymore. He ended up at the door of the apartment. He could smell Chinese food from outside and his hunger tore at him, but just the thought of food made him ill. He had no intention of leaving, but the sudden urge to be out of here, to feel fresh air, was overwhelming and he stepped outside, making sure that the door was unlocked so he could go outside. He would make sure that Wes knew that he hadn’t tried to escape, that he could be good and he didn’t need to be punished. It was hard getting the heavy door open, but he managed and found himself in a back alley. He sat down on the step and a terrible pain shot up his lower back and he felt tears prickling his eyes. He sniffled and hugged his knees. He could feel blood pooling underneath him, but didn’t care anymore._  
 _His head shot up as he heard something moving in the alley. His violet eyes searched the dark in terror. He told himself that he didn’t need to worry about monsters in the dark anymore, he had met the worst there was in broad daylight. Instead of some slimy monster, an adult black cat came prancing out of the shadows, her yellow eyes looking up at him with interest. She jumped up onto the step and rubbed against his bare legs. He blinked at her with wide eyes as though she were some alien life form. She purred and looked up at him. He heard tiny mews from in the shadows and realized what she wanted. He petted her head and she leaned into his touch._  
 _“I’m sorry,” he murmured, “but I can’t help you or your babies, I can’t even take care of myself…”_  
 _The cat cocked her head as he shivered in the cold and licked his hand, rubbing her body against him. She covered his chest with her body, warming his chill. Tears broke from his eyes and trailed down his cheeks at the feel of her living warmth, soft fur, and attempts to comfort him. He wrapped his arms around her and laid down on the step, burying his face in her fur, listening to her beating heart. Tiny kittens wobbled from the shadows and followed their mother, all different colors, but all soft and playful and totally safe. He cried._   
   
   
          The alarm sounded in Duo’s ear and he awoke with a start. Before he was even fully awake, his body was moving, rolling off the bed and grabbing clothes and books, shoving them into his duffle bag. He didn’t shower, he didn’t have the money for it. Water and gas were expensive nowadays and Wes refused to let him take a shower unless he had a popular customer or if he had the money to pay for it, not counting the money he took from him every night, of course. He imagined that his classmates would be shocked if he came to school neat, tidy, and properly washed. Hell, he had almost forgotten what his natural hair color was. Most of his customers made him shower before sex, but by the time they were done with him, he was sweaty and smelled like sex anyway. He looked around the apartment and found that Wes wasn’t there. That wasn’t so unusual, though Duo never really cared where he went. He instantly went for the refrigerator. Food was expensive, too and Wes wasn’t too keen on handouts unless it was absolutely necessary. It was like that night so many years ago, Wes would choke the life out of him, only to bring him back, always at the edge of death, but never actually dying…   
          He took out a package of old chicken. He doubted that Wes would miss it, but he vowed to by him some fresh stuff with the five dollars that he had given him last night. It wouldn’t be the first day that he had gone without food. Living with a man who was stingy with his water and food was still better than living on the streets. He remembered the last time he had dared steal food from Wes. He hadn’t been up to taking any jobs for several days after that. He slung his duffle bag over his shoulder and left the apartment, chicken in hand. The smell of old Chinese food hit him, a permanent scent in the alley.   
          “Alright, guys, breakfast time!” he called out. From a pile of boxes, a small head poked out and yellow eyes watched him. The cat mewed and suddenly, a pack of cats jumped out of the mess, swarming around Duo. He laughed gleefully and tore the chicken up into strips, making sure that there was enough for all of them. There were twelve of them, seven of them he knew well and five new comers that had shown up over the last couple of weeks, no doubt hearing that there was some fool human in this alley willing to give handouts to strays. Of the seven he had been feeding for many years, five of them were American Shorthairs, the offspring of the mother cat he had met nine years ago. The black cat had died four years ago, but she had been a great friend to him and so were her children. He had told Solo that he was his only friend, but that wasn’t entirely true. Solo was his only human friend, but cats were always friendlier than humans. They weren’t cruel or hurtful and they were great listeners. Only, he could never let Wes know that he was keeping stray pets, so they always stayed outside in the alley. The five ‘children’ were all purebred shorthairs, but each were different colors and he had named all of them. The black was ‘Shiva’, the tiger striped ‘Cassy’, the pure white one with the pretty blue eyes was called ‘Angel’, the gray tabby was ‘Cotton’, and the calico was ‘Patches.’ The other two cats were a streetwise Javanese with a scar on his back leg that he had named ‘Toby’ and a young Bengal named ‘Sammy’ that had a beautiful coat like a baby leopard. Duo was sure that Sammy, at the very least, was abandoned or lost since he was an obvious purebred and Bengals weren’t exactly abundant as strays. He told himself that he would eventually get around to naming all of his little family. Duo didn’t have much in life besides his cats, so he took good care of all of them, making sure they were healthy, free of parasites, and well fed, even if it meant going hungry himself. He knew that it was silly, but he also knew that it was the little things that got him through the day and his family was one of them. He worried what would happen to them when he died. It was a possibility with his job that one day a john would go too far or his own ‘guardian’ would forget to keep him alive and that would be that.   
          The cats finished off the chicken and Sammy and Shiva rubbed against his legs. They were the youngest of the brood and the most affectionate. He rubbed at Shiva’s fur. She looked just like her mother, who Duo missed dearly and, he was ashamed to say, he did spoil her a little.   
          “Sorry, baby, but I can’t play right now, but I promise I’ll get you something special after school.”  
          Ok, so maybe he wouldn’t get Wes that chicken… after all, his babies came first (1).   
   
   
          Name’s older brother, Mizu, had once told her that the Yuy family ruled the world and on the eve of the new millennium, that was pretty much the truth. The Yuy Corporation had started off with a military background and had grown to a multi-national corporation in only ten years. The Yuy family had always been rich, going back more generations than any of them could count. During WWII the Yuy family had helped provide the faltering government with firearms and ammunition, a trade that only Heero’s great grandfather was still proud of. After the war was over, they continued to sell weapons, as well as budding new technology, over seas with no prejudice to who they sold to. By the time his mother had been born, Yuy Corporation sold everything from apples to heat seeking missiles in almost every country. They had grown to such a huge corporation that no rival company dared take them over simply because they had bought out all of their rivals. In the past, only men had controlled the company, but Name had been first born and her mother had died before she had given birth to any other. Her father had had qualms about naming a woman as his heir, but Name told him that the Yuy Corporation had to change with the times, not against them and him not choosing his daughter would be seen as prejudice and weakness. Name had already had a job in the company and had proved herself able to lead as President. Shortly after that, her father had married a woman from a small village near Hokkaido and Name had gained an older step-brother named Mizu. However, her position in the company was never in danger as her father did not consider the boy a true ‘Yuy’. This was not out of cruelty, Mizu knew nothing about the company like Name did and had very little leadership abilities. Her step-mother had understood this and agreed with Heero’s grandfather that Name was the better choice, though Mizu was bitter and his and Name’s relationship had suffered for it. Heero knew very little about his uncle and he never visited.  
          Name felt bad about moving Heero from England to America, despite the fight that they had had. She had always tried to give her son a stable life, which was hard given his position. Forcing him to go to school as a freshman half way through the year wasn’t the best decision she had made, but she had hoped to humble him a little. She had tried as hard as she could not to spoil him and to show him that he wasn’t more important than others because of his status or money. She wasn’t stupid. Despite the years that had passed since her husband’s death, it was still affecting both of them, especially Heero. She had considered remarrying, but she knew that Heero would resent her for it. Besides, she just couldn’t bear remarrying. She truly believed that some people only found one person that was perfect for them. For her, Alexei was that person. She didn’t need another husband, anyway. The company was doing fine, though Alexei had never been involved with it to begin with. Heero could do with a positive male influence in the house, but Name believed that another marriage would do more harm than good. She and Alexei had met in Russia during a conference. While Alexei did come from a well standing family, the Czeleskys were nothing compared to the Yuy’s. Her father had worried about him using her to get close to the company. However, Alexei had been upfront about his disinterest in leading the company and up until the moment of his death, he had been supportive, but never truly involved with the family politics. Alexei had been a great husband and a wonderful father. In Name’s eyes, there was no one else. But, Heero’s attitude made it difficult for her to balance her responsibilities as a president and her responsibilities as a mother. She just hoped that she could fix things.   
          She had left early that morning in order to get her meeting over with quickly. YC was taking over a large American Corporation that was in charge of Natural Fool Distribution. As the President, Name took her job very seriously and saw to almost everything personally, believing that just because she was in control didn’t mean that she could treat those under her like slaves or that she didn’t have to get her hands dirty. The biggest problem with take overs was the employee fear of change. Change meant loss of jobs. Name was stern and strict, but she was not cruel. She had spent the meeting calming those fears. She had explained that she was taking over the company, but only the name would change and no one would be laid off unless she found them incompetent. The manager had looked over the contracts and found that she was telling the truth. After that, the meeting had gone over quite smoothly and it had ended early.  
          Name arrived back home in Maine at one in the after noon, the car filled with groceries and other things that she and Heero needed. She had even bought the newest Silent Hill game as a peace offering. Buying things was sometimes difficult as her and Heero’s faces were well known to the public and she outright refused to have bodyguards or any hired help simply because they didn’t need any. With the family’s resources, any potential kidnappers didn’t dare anger the Yuys. Assassinations were no longer an issue after her grandfather had been shot, only to have his brother take his place. The press created rumors about the, as always, but nothing too nasty and they were, for the most part, left alone since the Yuy fortune made their offices keep running. However, when it came to her son and his friends and possible girlfriends, she constantly worried. The closest he had ever had to friends were through her own business connections, specifically the oil controlling Winner family of Saudi Arabia. He had, against her better judgment, been engaged a couple of times to the Peacecraft family and the Romefeller family, both ex-partners from Europe, but neither engagement had worked out. She was glad, she didn’t like the idea of her son getting married for the company. She realized that, especially seeing what Heero was like now, she would be happy just to see him happy, married or not.  
          Name took her time putting everything away and went into Heero’s bedroom, shaking her head when she saw that he hadn’t unpacked or even made his bed. In the end, Heero was still a teenager. Sometimes it was just so hard, raising a child on her own. She certainly didn’t feel like a good mother. She made his bed for him, deciding to cut him some slack since it was his first day in a new school. She started to prepare dinner and waited for her son to come home.  
          Name was ready for Heero to be in a bad mood when he came home, considering everything that she had done to him, but he wasn’t. He came in with a triumphant smirk on his face that worried her. Surely the boy could stay out of trouble for one whole day?  
          “What are you smiling about?” she asked. Heero shrugged.  
          “I met someone,” he explained. Name’s eyes narrowed, but on the inside, she was shocked. Heero had only made two friends his entire life and now, on his first day in America, he had made another? The odds were too unstacked for her not to be alarmed.   
          “Oh?”   
          “A boy. I think he could be a good friend. His name’s Duo,” Heero said, dropping his bag to the floor and going to the refrigerator to dig out a soda. Name’s brow furrowed in concern. She had done thorough research on St. Peter’s and she knew that most of the families here were lower to middle class. She knew in that moment why it had taken her father so many years to trust Alexei. She wouldn’t tell Heero that he couldn’t be friends with the boy, that would be hypocritical of her and she wouldn’t do it, not here, not now. Instead, if she ever met this ‘Duo’, she would keep a close eye on him and if he ever hurt her son, she would show him what hell would be like.  
   
          The school was empty so early in the morning, but that was a ggood thing, Duo thought. The door to both the school and the gym were unlocked for him. He entered the separate gymnastics room, sat on a pummel horse, and waited. He thought about how ridiculous this situation was, but reasoned it wasn’t much different than what he did for Wes. He didn’t have to wait long before the door opened and someone came in, locking the door behind them.  
          “As punctual as always, how cute,” Zechs jeered, gripping Duo’s chin and crushed his lips against his. The kiss was brutal with Zechs nipping his lips and fucking his mouth with his tong ue, but Duo endured it.  
          “I want cash this time,” Duo said as they parted. Zechs frowned.  
          “Have you forgotten our deal? I don’t send you to the hospital and you let me fuck you.”  
          Duo’s eyes were intense as he stared at him.     
          “Do you want to fuck me?”  
          Zechs’ eyes roamed over Duo’s body and he knew that he had lost.  
          “You know I do, you little shit.”  
          “Then what’s the difference? I’ll still let you do what you want. Now do we have a deal?”  
          Zechs snorted.  
          “Fine. How much?”  
          “Forty and that’s a bargain, for this morning only, understand? After today, our original deal is back on.”  
          Zechs didn’t say anything, taking out his wallet and counting the money, shoving it into Duo’s hand, who stuffed it into his jacket pocket.  
          “Ok, how do you want me?” Duo asked.  
          “On your knees, from behind,” Zechs said, licking his lips. Duo got on all fours, facing away from Zechs. He blushed as the silver-haired boy unzipped his jeans and shoved them down his legs. He had been whoring himself for eight terrible years but being naked in front of people still embarrassed him. He heard Zechs unzip his own pants and felt his large hands on his ass cheeks, spreading him wide. He closed his eyes as he felt the boy’s cock start to push into him, wincing as the thickness stretched him and made him burn.  
          “Ah!” Zechs gasped as he slid inside the violet eyed boy. He gripped his ass and moved in and out.  
          “Hard to imagine, a little slut like you is still this tight!” Zechs gritted out,, feeling Duo’s insides squeezing him. He thought that he could look forever and never find a more perfect lay and, best of all, he was all his…  
          Duo bit back a cry as Zechs’ thrusts became more violent.  
          “I wonder what Yuy would do if he found out what a good little bitch you are? I wonder if he would want to join in?” Zechs sneered. Duo glared over his shoulder at him. Zechs putting Heero down to his level enraged him for some reason. Heero was stubborn and a bit obnoxious, but he wasn’t nasty like Zechs.  
          “He has nothing to do with this!” Duo snapped. He winced as Zechs slapped his ass with a biting sting.  
          “Don’t talk back, whore. You and he were acting really friendly yesterday.”  
          Duo looked at the ground.  
          “I’m just his latest project, that’s all,” he murmured.  
          “Is that right?” Zechs whispered in Duo’s ear, “Too bad for him, because you’re _my_ project!”  
          Duo cried out as Zechs intentionally hit his sweet spot, making his own cock harden and his toes curled pleasantly in his boots. He _hated_ when he did that! If the bully was going to fuck him, he certainly didn’t want his body to enjoy it! He felt Zechs wrap his hand around his newly erect dick and pump, the feeling making his legs shake.   
          Zechs pressed his lips to Duo’s neck and licked his skin. He loved that taste… if Yuy thought that he was going to give this up, he was going to get a lesson in how the real world worked!  
          Duo gritted his teeth as he came into Zechs’ hand and his legs became limp. Zechs slammed into him hard, crying out as he orgasmed and filled the smaller boy with his cum. He let go o him and watched as Duo fell limp to the floor, panting. He watched as his seed slid out from between the nicely shaped butt cheeks. It was amazing. If he had known that he could own the boy so easily, he would have done it the moment they had met.  
   
          Zechs had moved to St. Peters three years ago when his parents had gone through a very bitter divorce and his sister had gone to live with their rich, nobleman father in England and he had gone to America with their now destitute mother. He had met Duo Maxwell, who was one year younger than him. Duo Maxwell, who was more beautiful than any boy had the right to be. Duo Maxwell, who had listened to Zechs Merquise tell him that he loved him and had told him that he would never love him. Duo had broken his heart so easily and so Zechs had decided that he would show him what pain really felt like. For two years, he had bullied him, called him names, beat him up, made him eat worms, and shoved him into mud until last summer when a wonderful thought came into his head: he would make a deal with the boy. He would stop bullying him if he would let him fuck him and, to his shock, Duo had agreed. In the end, he had won, Duo was his!  
          Zechs left Duo alone in the gymnasium and Duo quickly pulled himself together and cleaned himself off. He couldn’t believe he had gotten into this situation. Was there something about him that screamed ‘whore’? Was all he was good for was a hole for men to fuck? Was that why Heero Yuy wanted to be his friend? For a no-guilt, easy lay? He sighed. He told Heero he would give him a chance, but it wasn’t easy, especially when he honestly couldn’t see why someone like Heero was interested in someone like him.  
   
          Keeping to his word, Duo sat down with Heero at lunch, this time with no tray, which Heero noticed with alarm. His newly earned forty dollars burned in his pocket, but he had no intention of buying lunch with it. He had to buy presents for his cats, get food and beer for Wes, and buy some warmer clothes since the winter weather was getting colder and colder and everyone knew that Maine weather was legendary even for a town that wasn’t on the coast. He was used to hunger from his childhood and if he got _really_ hungry, getting some money wouldn’t be too difficult, though Wes refused to let him go on a job without his consent.   
          “Are you not hungry?” Heero asked. It frustrated him. Here he was, having lunch with his new friend, but he still knew nothing about him beyond his name and odd maturity for a fifteen year old. Most boys his age were brimming with ego and energy, but Duo was so modest and subdued.   
          “No money,” Duo explained. Heero frowned. Surely, if his parents hadn’t made a lunch for him, they would give him some money?  
          “It’s alright,” Duo assured him, “I’m used to being hungry,” he said, not realizing that what he had said was odd, especially to someone like Heero. Heero wanted to say something, to demand that Duo tell him _why_ he was used to being hungry, but one of the things he had learned from his mother was diplomacy and he was afraid of scaring Duo away now that he had gotten close to him. So, he stayed quiet and instead cut his hamburger in half, giving Duo one half and half of his fries, even giving him the pickle from his salad, all neatly laid out for him on one of Heero’s napkins. Duo stared at the food and Heero could imagine him salivating.   
          “I can’t take that,” Duo said.  
          “Yes, you can,” Heero said, stubbornly.  
          “I won’t accept charity,” Duo protested.  
          “It’s not charity,” Heero insisted, “I just don’t want to hear your stomach growling during class.”  
          Duo snorted, but accepted the food, taking small bites and savoring the flavor of the beef, having not had any for weeks now.   
          “Why do you eat like that?” Heero asked, remembering how Duo had eaten his salad yesterday.  
          “To make it last,” Duo said. Heero worked his lip between his teeth, burning with questions that he couldn’t ask. He had asked Duo to be his friend so he could figure out why he wasn’t impressed with him and, in time, fool around with him, but things had changed. Why did Duo act like a kid trying to play grownup? Why did he eat every meal like it was his last? For the first time in his life, Heero found that he enjoyed someone’s company without the need for anything in return. He was curious about the boy, but even now, wondering and questioning, he liked the silence, and he liked watching Duo enjoying his food. There was just something about him that made Heero want to analyze him, if only to figure out why he felt this way. A true friend… he had only had two before and it was ironic that he had found a third here in this boring place. Of course, it had been two years since he had last seen his other friends and it was likely he wouldn’t for quite some time more. Duo reminded him of them both, with qualities of each, but there was something more… something else present in both those violet eyes and how he made Heero feel that hadn’t been in the others. Watching Duo eat and finally realizing that Duo perhaps _didn’t_ have the means to get food three times a day, a luxury that Heero had thought would be in reach for someone like him. He also realized that he wanted to help him, even if he wasn’t going to get anything for it.   
          “It’s Friday,” Heero stated simply. Duo stared at him, a fry cutely poking out of his mouth. He chewed it down.  
          “Yes, Heero, I am aware of that,” he said as though he were talking to an idiot. Heero refrained from rolling his eyes.  
          “How would you like to spend the weekend at my house, that is, if your parents don’t mind?”  
          Duo studied Heero’s face, trying to figure out what Heero wasn’t saying. It was one thing if the boy wanted to hang out with him at school, but at his house? THE Heero Yuy’s house? Duo immediately pictured some huge, archaic monstrosity filled with gold and silver and hundreds of maids. Just the mental image was imposing to him. He had never slept in a room bigger than the size of one of the classrooms.  
          “What’s the catch?” Duo asked.  
          “Nothing,” Heero asked, “you said you would give me a chance as your friend. Well, friends have sleep overs and, quite frankly, I know nothing about you. This is a way for us to get to know each other. Besides, my mom wants to meet you.”  
          Duo’s eyes became wide and Heero almost got lost in the deep color of them.  
          “You… told your mom about me?” he asked incredulously.   
          Heero sighed.  
          “I told you, we’re friends now, that’s what friends do, isn’t it?”  
          Duo was silent and Heero wondered how many friends Duo had. Perhaps he didn’t have many decent friends that would have him over?   
          Duo was deep in thought. If he went over Heero’s house for the weekend, Wes could kill him, possibly literally. He would not see his cats until Monday and he would be earning no money. There was also the threat that Heero’s mother would find out about who he really was, not to mention the thought of him, a stupid, useless street rat whore meeting the infamous Name Yuy sent a serious chill down his spine. She had connections, which meant finding out that he didn’t exist would be as easy to her as him finding a rat outside his apartment door was to him. Though, if she didn’t try to find out about him and nothing bad happened during the weekend, he would be getting to live in some seriously posh settings for the first time in his miserable life, not to mention free food and access to some expensive stuff he could nick. Maybe if he stole enough, Wes would be too excited and greedy to care that he had been gone for so long. Then, there was that long forgotten part of himself that told him to do it, simply because he wanted to. He knew nothing about Heero. He was intimidating, stubborn, and had no business spending time with trash like him. But, he was also risking a lot to be friends for reasons that Duo didn’t understand. He was also, Duo had to grudgingly admit, quite handsome and, in a strange way, almost kind, giving him his food and offering to bring him into his home and life. Even if Heero was doing it for some ulterior purpose, it took a lot of guts and quite a bit of heart. So, yes, he wanted to go home with him. He wanted to pretend, just for a little while, that he was a normal boy with a real house and a real family, just spending some time with a friend. He wondered what it was like to have a mother and if Heero realized how lucky he was, even if his mother happened to be the leader of a multi-national corporation. That deep part of himself yearned to know what that felt like. When he listened to that part of himself, he wondered about his own mother. Was she a brunette like him? Did she share his strange eye color? Did she even remember that he existed or was he just a dark memory to her? Perhaps she wasn’t even alive.   
          “Alright,” Duo said in small voice that tore at Heero’s heart. It was the voice of someone who had given up.   
          “Ok, then you’ll spend until Sunday with us,” Heero said with a bright smile that made a strange heat spread in Duo’s chest.   
          “I’ll walk you home,” Heero said, “and you can tell your folks-,”  
          “That’s not necessary!” Duo insisted with poorly hid nervousness that Heero picked up on quickly, “If you let me borrow your cell phone, I can call my dad right now!”   
          Heero gave him an odd look, but remained quiet. His mother wouldn’t have settled with a phone call if he was going away for almost three days. She would have wanted to speak with his friend’s mother or father and a complete agenda of his activities. But, perhaps compared to a normal boy’s parents, she was overprotective, he just didn’t know. He handed Duo his cell phone, wondering what sort of teenage boy didn’t have a cell phone nowadays, though he supposed that if Duo’s parents hadn’t given him money for lunch, they would hardly be willing to give him a cell phone. Heero wondered if Duo’s parents were… abusive. He had heard of such things on the news and thought it would be terrible if such a pretty, timid boy had neglectful parents. Someone like him should be taken care of, loved, not ignored.   
          Duo dialed the number for Wes’ cloned cell phone. He knew that Wes never actually answered the number, he only checked his messages.   
          “Hey, dad,” he said when the voice mail answered. He felt nauseous calling Wes ‘dad’, “just calling to tell you I won’t be home until Sunday. I’m staying at a friend’s house, but I’ll be sure to pick up some groceries on my way back. See ya,” he clicked the phone shut and handed it back to Heero. The mention of groceries wouldn’t be enough to subdue Wes’ anger, but it was the least he could do. He just hoped that he wouldn’t end up in the hospital after all of this ended.   
          “Are you sure that that’s enough?” Heero asked, concerned that Duo’s father hadn’t picked up. For a brief moment, he felt a spark of jealousy that Duo had a father. In his mind, an image of his father’s dying blue eyes flashed, but he discarded it. It wasn’t fair to Duo, being envious for him for something so small. He mused that, in a fairytale, Duo would only have a father and he would fall in love with his mother and their families would be whole and rich and happy together. Of course, in a fairytale, the brothers wouldn’t lust after each other. Or at least, he hoped that one day Duo would.   
          “It’s fine,” Duo said, “my dad’s not very strict,” he almost choked on his lie. He was pretty sure that most dad’s wouldn’t rape and beat their children to death for sleeping over a friend’s house. That was Wes’ threat if he ever put anything over his job. Specifically, he would treat him like he did his other whores. Pump him full of drugs until he so fucked up he couldn’t stand, then chain him to the bed and let men fuck him all day and all night until he bled to death. If anyone else had said that, he would have called them on their bluff, but when Wes made a threat, he meant it. Duo mentally shuddered at the thought of that happening. What was he thinking, going to Heero’s house when he should be working? But… he wanted to do this so badly… hell, if it really came to that, he would just kill himself and save Wes the trouble, it wasn’t like thoughts of suicide were new to him, he just never saw the point. If he died, Solo would be the only one to mourn him and it wouldn’t be for very long as his best friend had better things to do.   
          “Are you sure you don’t want to ask him in person? Or your mom? I could swing by your house-,”  
          “No!” Duo nearly shouted, paling at the thought of Heero going to that place. “It’s fine, Heero, really.”  
          “Ok,” Heero said, letting it drop, but not forgetting Duo’s reaction. Was he ashamed of where he lived or who he lived with? It was plausible considering who Heero was, but he wished it wasn’t true. It was strange, he had only met Duo yesterday, but was already feeling close to him and wanted to impress him. Wasn’t that what he had said yesterday? That he wanted to know what it would take to impress Duo? Heero liked challenges and he especially liked people who made him work for their friendship. People who worked for _his_ friendship were a dime a dozen, but the other way around… that was more than rare. The wanted to assure Duo that he shouldn’t be ashamed of where he lived, but he also didn’t want Duo thinking that Heero was assuming to know what he was thinking. He had the distinct feeling, however, that Duo wouldn’t be taking him to his home anytime soon, but that was ok. He would just have to earn that right in the future, assuming there was a future for the two of them. He just hoped that his mother would behave herself.   
   
          Duo and Heero’s classes converged in Math, Science, Gym, and English, but they separated for Art, History, and Music. For these classes, Heero had an idea to get to know parts of Duo that he wasn’t comfortable with talking about. He simply asked other people what they knew about him. For all three classes, Heero only learned one thing: no one knew anything about him. They didn’t notice him, it was like Duo never existed. The strange thing was that they all knew about him, but had never talked to him or cared to know him. All they did know was that he was an easy target for bullying and in middle school almost all of them had joined in on Zechs Merquise’s torment of the boy. The scariest part of this interrogation was when Heero asked the teachers. They had similar answers; he was a good student, but unnoticed and, the most shocking of all, none of them had met his parents. During parent teacher conferences, they didn’t show up, but they didn’t think anything of it. All of the teachers wearing shocked expressions on their faces when they said this, as though the thought had never occurred to them. It was as though Duo Maxwell lived in a fog or he was a ghost. In actuality, it was only Une who knew anything new when he asked her in between classes in the hall.  
          “He’s a good kid. I used to teach in the middle school and I had him for a student, then, too. He staid low, never made much noise and never made trouble. It was as though he didn’t _want_ to get noticed. Everyone knew that he was being bullied and I tried to get the principal to at least expel Zechs for it, but, obviously, that never came to pass. He has a problem with attendance, but he always makes up his work. He’s very smart, though you wouldn’t know it since he never talks in class. He only has a father, I don’t know what happened to his mother, but I have been unable to talk to his dad, he seems to always be busy with something. Why the questions, Heero?” she asked, her brown eyes narrowing behind her glasses.   
          “He’s just…” Heero struggled with a way to put to words why he liked Duo.  
          “Interesting?” she asked with a strange, knowing smile.     
          “Yes,” he admitted. She pushed her glasses up her nose and studied him.  
          “I suggest you tread very carefully, Mr. Yuy. Some mysteries are fun to solve, others can break your heart,” she said cryptically as she walked away. Heero watched her go with a confused gaze. It was strange, she actually sounded like she cared about Duo, and she probably did. Une Khushrenada seemed like the sort of teacher that genuinely cared about her students and she had had much more to say about Duo than anyone else so far, but even she didn’t know much.   
   
   
          “You drive _this_?” Duo asked in amazement as they got into Heero’s Jaguar. The only time that he gotten into a car this nice was on a job. He noticed there were no stickers, no mess, not even some fuzzy dice or a pile of CDs. The car was perfect, clean and tidy, odd for a teenager.   
          “Do you like cars?” Heero asked. As people passed by, they gave the two of them odd looks, but Duo was too interested in the car to notice and Heero simply ignored them.   
          “Not really, I’ve never driven one and my dad never lets me near his,” Duo said, not liking where this conversation was going. He didn’t want to have to explain that cars reminded him of unpleasant things like what some people did in the back of them or places they could take you or even the sort of people who drove certain cars. But, this car of Heero’s was different, it didn’t remind him of sex and it didn’t smell like those other cars did. Perhaps that smell was all in his head, but he smelled it regardless.   
          “Would you like to drive this one?” Heero asked. Duo stared at him with wide eyes.  
          “Um, Heero, I don’t have a driver’s license.”  
          Heero blushed a little bit at his blunder. For a moment, he had completely forgotten that Duo was younger than him.  
          “Sorry,” he said.  
          “It’s ok.”  
   
   
          The image of a monstrous mansion remained in Duo’s mind as they drove and his heart started to pound. What if Heero’s mother threw him out? What if she found him out? He was suddenly more subconscious of himself than he had ever been in his life. He was skinny, he smelled like sex and sweat, his hair was filthy, his eyes were strange, his glasses were broken, his hair was too long… the list went on and on until Heero announced that they were there and Duo forced himself to look at the window. What he saw was not at all what he had expected.  
          Heero’s house looked… normal. It was a large house and easily the most expensive in the town, but it wasn’t a huge structure spanning over miles like he had pictured. It was white and as perfect as Heero’s car, everything neat and whole and new from the stone walkway to the neatly cut grass and garden to the black door and clean windows. There was only one driveway with one garage and no servant’s quarters. The yard was large, though Duo didn’t see any signs of a dog. He imagined his cats playing on that wide space and felt a stab of depression realizing that the alley was all that they had ever known and ever would know. Even his scarred, graceful Toby would seem terrible out of place on the manicured lawn. They pulled into the spacious garage and Duo saw a large, state of the art SUV that probably belonged to Heero’s mother, two motorcycles, and a sports car convertible. Duo blinked dumbly as Heero opened the car door for him, already holding his duffle bag. Duo was too deep in his shock to try to get it from Heero as the other boy led him to the front door.   
          This couldn’t be real, Duo decided. He felt like he had stumbled into another dimension. Surely this incredible place and this boy had no place in his dark and twisted world. This place was too perfect and he was too ugly… he didn’t belong here anymore than a weed belonged on that perfect grass. He realized that he never should have agreed to this and bile rose in his throat at the thought of going into that neat house with his stink and grime and ratty old duffle bag. He should just run, he thought, run back to the blood and semen and violence and chaos that he was familiar with, but his legs refused to cooperate.   
          Heero looked back as he realized Duo had stopped walking and was standing in the driveway looking lost and very much alone. He took Duo’s hand in his, for the first time realizing just how thin and small he was as his larger hand gripped Duo’s. His friend’s eyes were wide and he seemed shell shocked. It made Heero want to shelter him, to try to fix things. He didn’t want that expression on his face. He had much preferred the wonder that Duo had had to the car than the fear he had for his home.   
          “Come on,” he gently urged and pulled Duo towards the house.  
   
          The inside of the Yuy home was much like the outside, everything neat, tidy, and in its place, but no gold or silver and opulence. The house was quite large and expensive looking, but not the palace that Duo had thought it would be. His knowledge of who this house belonged to clashed with how it looked. Of course, he reasoned, the only houses he had been in had been condemned or the houses of johns, so he was in no position to judge. Still, he thought that a family like the Yuys would have something… bigger.  
          “Mom doesn’t believe in vanity,” Heero explained, catching Duo’s look, “this is as posh as she’s willing to go without feeling like she’s wasting money on something she doesn’t need. She says that this is all we need, it’s functional, so it’s perfect. She mostly got it for the security system,” he joked. Heero’s words seemed to reach Duo and that wide eyed look started to vanish little by little.  
          “But, it still looks incredible,” Duo said in a light voice, his eyes looking over framed pictures and oriental rugs. Heero placed a hand on Duo’s shoulder and led him to the kitchen.   
          “You’ll be sleeping in my room, if that’s ok?” Heero asked. Duo nodded. He thought that he would agree to just about anything in this situation. He didn’t have the heart to tell Heero that he had never slept over someone’s house before.   
          “Hey, mom,” Duo heard Heero say as they entered the kitchen and he froze, making Heero drag him the rest of the way inside. He had no thought this through, he realized. He, a street whore, was going to meet the Name Yuy, the president of the biggest corporation in the world. There was something terribly wrong with that.   
          He didn’t know what he was expecting when he envisioned Heero’s mother, but for whatever image he had had in his head, the reality was perfect. She wasn’t the stereotypical short Asian woman, but she wasn’t quite as still as Heero, but still taller than Duo, her eyes narrow and black, her neat, straight hair jet black. Heero’s face was just like hers, he realized and couldn’t help but blush. Name’s gaze was like a shark as she looked at him. He couldn’t tell if she wanted to disembowel him to see what his insides looked like or if she was simply curious, but it didn’t make him feel comfortable.   
          “Heero,” she said and Duo was expecting a too-sweet, fake voice, not the clipped, all-business voice she had, clearly she wouldn’t be using any mind tricks on him, she would just gut him and be done with the games, “I would like it if you would tell me if you’re having a friend over.”  
          Duo listened for a trace of a Japanese accent, but much like her son, her English was perfect. His manners finally kicked in and he abandoned his sanctuary from behind Heero’s arm.   
          “H-hi, Mrs. Yuy,” he said shakily, wondering if that was how one greeted the president of a conglomerate. Name studied him carefully. Her son’s ‘friend’ had a soft, pretty face that seemed rather innocent, but she knew that looks were deceptive. His eyes were strange, a pigment she had never seen before, but they were real as he was wearing glasses and not contacts. He seemed small and dirty and utterly terrified of her. She had been expecting a boy in a suit perhaps, ready to do anything to make an impression on a powerful and wealthy family, not someone that looked like he had been taken off of the street. Then there was his obvious fear. Either this boy was an idiot, a very bad actor, a very good actor, or he was for real. She ruled out idiocy. Heero wasn’t the sort of boy to befriend morons and he had said that Duo was a good student. His fear also appeared to be natural, so she ruled out that he was acting, at least with the fear. However, his appearance brought home to her that this boy was not wealthy and probably would jump at the chance for some quick cash. Her instinct told her to bite his head off now before he could do their family any damage, but her diplomacy told her the danger of making assumptions so early on.   
          “This is Duo, Mom,” Heero said, trying to break the ice. Watching Duo’s fear and his mother’s perusal was painful. Name shook Duo’s hand, making the boy flinch. She was startled at the sudden move, realizing that just how petrified this boy was. She tried to see things through his eyes, if he was for real, that is. She thought about if some boy that she had recently befriended brought her home to a place she wasn’t used to and introduced her to his mother who had the ability to cause some trouble for her. She would be feeling a little afraid as well. Just because she wasn’t willing to trust this boy didn’t mean that she should be outright rude to him.   
          “My name is Name, Duo, and for now you may call me that, not Mrs. Yuy.”  
          Duo nodded.   
          “Heero, why don’t you get the air mattress out of the closet?” she asked. Heero glared at her, seeing through her misdirection.  
          “Mother…” he warned, his eyes warning her not to start anything. She just smiled at him and he left, rolling his eyes at her tactics. God help her if she scared Duo off…   
          Duo, his safety net having abandoned him, panicked.  
          “You should feel very lucky,” Name said in a cold voice, “you’re the first person that Heero has ever brought home. Just what about you is so special?”  
          Duo didn’t know why, but the woman talking about, not only him, but also her own son in that tone of voice angered him.  
          “Look, I don’t know what Heero told you about me, but I didn’t go out looking for his friendship, he found me. Hell, he stalked me all day until he finally relented!”  
          Name chuckled and Duo felt himself relax a little at the human reaction.  
          “Yes, that does sound like my son. He can be painfully single minded when he wants something.”  
          “I don’t know what I want out of this friendship,” Duo admitted, knowing that honesty was the best policy in a situation like this, “but I do like Heero. To tell you the truth, the two of you scare me a little, but in the two days that I’ve known him, I’ve found that he’s a decent person, or at least he pretends to be.”  
          Name looked Duo in the eye and black clashed with violet.  
          “Alright, if we’re to be frank with each other, I will have my say. I don’t like the idea of some boy I don’t know getting close to my son. The last thing I want is for the first thing he learns here to be that the world is cruel. If I hear that you hurt him in anyway-,”  
          “There is absolutely nothing I can say that will convince you that I have no intention of that,” Duo snapped, “I could tell you that I just want to be friends with him, but you have every right to think that I’m lying. All I can say is that, if Heero ends up hurt, it won’t be by my hand. It’s true, I’m not wealthy, but I’m pretty sure pissing off a family like yours isn’t the safest way to make some money,” Duo said. He blinked after his rant was finished as he finally seemed to realize that he was arguing with Heero’s mother and he paled. However, Name seemed a little bit impressed with his performance.  
          “Fine, then. I’m just glad to see that Heero’s friend isn’t a pushover. I have no tolerance for people who can’t even stand up for themselves. Go,” she dismissed him with an amused smile, “Heero’s probably waiting for you by the stairs, just turn right and keep going straight, you’ll see it. And, Duo,” she gave him a warmer look, “if either of you need anything, just ask, I’ll be here all weekend.”  
          Duo shuffled out of the kitchen, amazed that he had gotten out of there alive. He was even more amazed that he found himself liking the rational, but protective mother. Heero was indeed waiting for him at the steps, sheets, pillows, and a deflated air mattress in his arms.  
          “Well?” Heero asked nervously.  
          “Your mom’s kind of cool,” Duo said with a small smile. Heero’s expression dissolved into one of intense relief.   
          “Yeah, I guess she is.”   
   
          “Why don’t you take a shower while I do this?” Heero asked, unfolding the air mattress and starting to inflate it.   
          “Are you sure you don’t want any help?” Duo asked, not wanting to be a leech. Heero nodded.  
          “You’re my guest.”  
          “But, I don’t want to use up your hot water,” Duo insisted. It had never even occurred to him that he would be allowed to take a shower. Heero snorted.  
          “You’re staying here for two days, you’ll have to take a shower sooner or later,” Heero said, brushing Duo’s worries off, but inside he was the one who was worried. He took in Duo’s greasy hair and remembered how he had originally thought that Duo was just not concerned with his hygiene, but maybe that wasn’t the case. What if his house didn’t have hot water or there was something wrong with their plumbing and his dad hadn’t gotten around to fixing it? He wondered, not for the first time, where Duo’s mother was.   
          Duo dug out a t-shirt and shorts from his duffle and Heero gave him a look that went unnoticed. It suddenly came to Heero that Duo hadn’t gone home to get anything. Was he caring his whole life in that duffle bag? How odd. He had the sudden urge to look through the bag to see what else was in there, but didn’t. What was in there was Duo’s business and not his. He heard Duo close the door to his adjoined bathroom and got an image of Duo stripping in there. That image made him blush, especially when he realized that Duo hadn’t locked the door.   
          “That door locks,” he called out, despite himself. He had decided last night that he wouldn’t take advantage of his new friend unless he knew that Duo was actually interested.   
   
          Duo blushed as he locked the bathroom door. He had never locked the door when washing before since Wes and his johns sometimes liked to fuck him in the shower. Wes had told him a long time ago that locked doors weren’t for whores like him. If Heero really wanted, he could easily break into the bathroom, but that lock still made him feel safe for some reason. Actually, it wasn’t just the bathroom. Heero’s bedroom, hell, the whole house, even with his mother in it, made him feel oddly safe. In this place, he felt like nothing could touch him, not even Wes. It was a stupid feeling, but it was there. He let his hair down from the braid and walked into the shower. He shuddered as hot water hit his skin. It felt so good and Heero hadn’t said that he had to hurry… Duo felt temptation strike him and for once, he listened. For a good ten minutes, he just stood there and let the water wash over him, soaking into his muscles and washing the grime and dirt away. After his chill was finally gone, he used some of Heero’s shampoo and went to work on his hair.   
   
          After forty minutes, the bed was made and Heero was waiting for Duo to finish. He would have been worried, but he could hear Duo humming and let him take as long as he wanted. It was one of the many luxuries that they had, an endless hot water supply. And even if that wasn’t true, the relaxed, almost blissful expression on Duo’s face as he left the bathroom was well worth it. Heero was immediately hit with the realization of how much hair Duo had. Out of the braid, it fell in silken waves around him down to his thighs. The color was dark from the water, but Heero could tell that when it dried it would be much lighter, not a dark brown like his own hair, but a chestnut and he could now see some red and gold highlights in the clean mass. He swallowed as he realized that Duo had taken off his glasses for the shower and his skin, now clean, glowed like a light cream. He was gorgeous, not just pretty or cute like he had first thought, but actually gorgeous. Heero’s libido flared, but he refused to listen to it. The illusion was broken minutely when Duo pumped into the dresser and swore. Heero realized dumbly that Duo’s glasses really weren’t for show and he did have vision problems. He grabbed the boy’s thin elbow and navigated him to Heero’s bed. A perverted part of him told him that he now had a beautiful, sexy boy on his bed and said boy was vulnerable without his glasses and only a pair of short and a thin t-shirt on, it would be so easy… but he didn’t listen to those thoughts.   
          “What’s wrong with your eyes?” he asked. Duo shrugged, brush in hand and started to comb through his hair. He had combed it in the shower, letting the water help with the snarls, but with hair as long as his, he had to do it twice to make sure it didn’t snarl again when it dried.  
          “I hit my head when I was a kid and now my right eye doesn’t work so well, but it’s not that bad,” he explained, dropping the brush to weave his hair back into a braid. Heero watched, transfixed, as those slim, long fingers adjusted his silky hair. He handed Duo his glasses, but felt a bit sad at the sight of the broken frames on Duo’s pretty face.  
          “Hey, want to play video games?” Heero asked, sitting on the bed next to Duo and picking up one of his game controllers. Duo stared at him with bright, happy eyes.  
          “Really?! I’ve never played before!”   
          With that comment, Heero was lost.  
   
          “You’re a liar!” Heero grumbled as he and Duo played one of his racing games and Duo managed to beat him by a whole minute.  
          “Nu-uh!” Duo protested with a cheeky grin, “It’s not my fault you’re so slow!” he teased, realizing that for the first time in his long life, he was actually having fun! He was already dreading Sunday…  
          With a playful growl, Heero tackled Duo and wrestled with him. Duo gave out a shock sound that was somewhere between a squeak and laughter and the two of them rolled around on the floor like two puppies until Duo ended up in Heero’s arms, his face pressed against his chest and the both of them blushed, but didn’t pull away.   
    Duo closed his eyes and realized that he could hear the other boy’s heart beating, feeling his strong arms wrapped around his body, smell him and felt his own heart beating wildly.   
    He had been pressed naked like this to hundreds of men but this… this feeling was so strange… so strong… He felt safe, he felt happy… and he had no right to feel that way, but he didn’t want to leave.   
    Instead of pulling away from the strange, wonderful embrace he had found himself in, he melted deeper into it and so did Heero.   
    What was this? Duo wondered. He kept his eyes closed and just listened to Heero’s heart.   
          “I’ve never had any friends before,” Duo admitted, “no one’s ever cared enough about me to want to be my friend.”  
          Heero’s grip tightened around the other boy.  
           “So, I just want to say thank you,” Duo murmured, “thank you for asking me to stay over, you didn’t have to. I don’t even know why you want to be friends with me.”   
    Was this love? Duo wanted to scoff at that, but he couldn’t. He didn’t fall in love… he just, didn’t. If he had to fall in love, why not with Solo, why with this boy he didn’t even know! But, somewhere deep inside, he knew the truth.   
          “Don’t say stuff like that,” Heero sighed, “can’t you just accept that I want to be your friend because I like you? You don’t have to thank me for something so small…”  
          Duo chuckled, but there was something dark about it.  
          “It’s nothing so small, Heero. You just don’t understand…”  
          Heero let go of Duo, the moment over.   
          “Then you’ll have to make me understand, it doesn’t matter anyway, I’m going to keep telling you you’re my friend until you start to believe it, too.”   
   
          All through Friday and Saturday, Heero made sure that he didn’t get into such an intimate position with Duo again, but he did keep his promise to try to convince Duo that his friendship didn’t have any kind of motive. He tried to analyze his feelings and how he had come to feel all of those strange things for Duo. Lust was easy to figure out. Personality wise, Duo was Heero’s type. He was mature, modest, smart, and strong willed. Physically, he was gorgeous, catering to Heero’s love for long hair and best of all, he was male. The first day he had met Duo, he had wanted to have sex with him and learn more about him so he could find out why he was so adamant on ignoring him. What had changed in the last forty eight hours? Well, he knew why Duo had ignored him, but there was still interest there. Plenty of people had told Heero that they didn’t care that he was rich, but Duo genuinely wasn’t impressed, but he still let Heero be his friend, that said something, didn’t it? If you felt this way for a person, didn’t you call it love? Or maybe he was just overanalyzing his lust for him. Either way, he had never had a friend quite like Duo before. He had, somewhere along the way, abandoned his original attentions with him. He felt like something was changing, but he wasn’t scared.   
            
Name watched her son and Duo carefully, but grudgingly admitted to herself that so far it seemed like Duo was the real deal. Then there was the fact that Heero had yet to pull anything at his new school. Her son wasn’t a bully or a troublemaker in the traditional sense. She knew that he hadn’t beat that boy up in England or do any of those other things because he liked making life miserable for other people. Simply, when Heero was bored, he acted out. When he felt useless, he made other people suffer for it. It was terrible behavior, but he had been doing it since he was little. When his father had died, this behavior had escalated to him paying the world back for taking something he loved from him. But now, this Duo was keeping Heero interested in things and he had yet to display that old temperamental behavior of his. She only hoped that the boy could keep her son out of trouble.   
          Saturday night, Duo lay awake, unable to sleep. Tomorrow, he would have to go home. Or, at least back to Wes’ apartment. He didn’t know when in the two days it had happened, but he felt more at home with Heero and his mother in this house than in the small space he had lived in for eight years. He had tried broccoli and salmon, which he had never had before and found that he liked both things. He had never seen movies before, except for the educational videos he had seen in school and found that he loved science fiction and horror but disliked romance as it was corny and unrealistic. He tried root beer, which was very good, and ate popcorn. He had had popcorn before, but it had been out of dumpsters behind the movie theater and he decided that he liked it much better fresh and warm. Heero also made him try something called ‘Pocky’ which he had force himself not to moan as he ate. Of course, he kept all of these new experiences to himself as he thought that Heero’s mother would be alarmed to know that he had never had a home cooked meal before. He’d only survived on school lunches, micro waved dinners and dumpster food. He didn’t want to leave, but what choice did he have? Worst of all, he would have to face Wes’ fury and he had nothing to show for it. Every time he had had an opportunity to take something under the Yuy’s noses, he couldn’t do it. It was so stupid, he thought, they were rich, they wouldn’t miss some silverware, but the thought of stealing from the mother and son made him sick. He looked up the dresser near Heero’s bed. Heero’s leather wallet sat next to the clock. Duo snorted. He was so trusting… he wondered what Heero would think if he learned what Duo had been thinking when he wasn’t around? He rolled off of the comfortable air mattress and, silently walked to the dresser.   
          He placed his hand on the wallet. Credit cards, cash… he knew that Heero had plenty and he wouldn’t miss any of it… Hell, Heero was so naive, he probably wouldn’t even think Duo had done it! It would be so easy… Duo bit his lip and his stomach clenched painfully. He had had such fun with Heero these days, eating home cooked meals, taking hot showers, playing video games and watching movies and just laying around, goofing off… Duo snatched his hand away from the wallet as though it had become searing hot. He couldn’t do it! A tear escaped his eye. He couldn’t steal from Heero or his mother, he would rather Wes beat him to death! He looked down at Heero’s sleeping, peaceful face. He brushed the boy’s bangs back and kissed his forehead. Heero murmured something in his sleep and smiled a little. With a heavy heart and a guilty conscience, Duo slipped back into bed but couldn’t fall back to sleep.  
   
          Sunday morning, Duo’s goodbyes with Heero and Name were brief, but Heero could tell that there was something that Duo wanted to say to them. Name offered to drive Duo to his house, but Duo told her that he had some errands to do and he would call his dad to pick him up when he was done. With that, Duo left the Yuy house and walked back towards Park Street. It wasn’t until later that Heero remembered that Duo didn’t have a cell phone, but didn’t think anything of it.   
   
          On his way back to the apartment, Duo made a pit stop to Lane Avenue to one of the apartment complexes. He walked up to the third floor and knocked on the door to 3e. A tall, scruffy looking man in his thirties answered the door. Duo knew him only as Davis and he was one of his few johns that didn’t know about Wes’ ‘no permission, no fucking’ rule.   
          “You!” Davis said, delighted. Duo had picked him, not only because Wes didn’t do a lot of business with him but also because he lived by himself and the man escorted him into the small apartment without a second thought.  
          “To what do I owe the pleasure?” Davis asked and Duo saw how he looked over his freshly showered body. Duo smiled coyly.  
          “Oh, I need some cash and I thought of you.”  
          Davis blushed and Duo could tell how eager he was.  
          “You don’t mind, do you?” Duo put on his best ‘innocent and injured’ look.  
          “Not at all!” Davis exclaimed and led Duo to the bedroom. It took Duo a moment to get into the right mindset. He let the last two days fade into the back of his mind, telling himself that it had all been a wonderful dream and this moment was reality. It wasn’t easy. As he shed his clothes, he felt sick, but he got up onto the unmade bed on hands and knees and let the man prep him, his mind screaming at him as fingers thrust into him. It was too easy, he thought as the man grabbed his hips and slid into him, it was just too easy, it was sickening. He didn’t want to be here… but then Davis was fucking him and he was there. He squeezed his muscles, with each hard thrust, making Davis come early. He laid on the bed, playing possum, feeling disgusting with the man’s cum inside of him, but waited for him to leave for the shower and opened his eyes. He looked down at his naked body. Bruises decorated his wrists and hips, but that was ok, he wasn’t really hurt. He looked over at the man’s discarded jeans and went through his pockets. He smirked to himself as he pulled out his wallet. He had no qualms about stealing from this man.   
          Suddenly, the bathroom door, which had already been slightly ajar, swung open and Davis stood, angry at the sight.   
          “What are you doing?” he demanded.   
          “Getting my fee,” Duo kept his calm even though he knew that he was fucked. Whores like him had gotten shot for much less. Davis was on him in a second, grabbing his belt from the floor and slamming Duo, face first, onto the bed on his stomach.  
          “Little shit, steal from me…” he grabbed Duo’s wrists and secured them behind his back.  
          “Look, I’m sorry, ok!” Duo tried, but Davis just grabbed his neck.  
          “Shut the fuck up! I’m a good sport. You were good fuck, ok, kid? So, I’ll tell you what, you take your medicine without screaming and maybe I won’t tell your father!”   
          Duo paled. That thought had never entered his head, that Wes might find out about him stealing from customers. Then again, he hadn’t exactly thought this through.  
          He nodded.  
          “Please don’t kill me,” he pleaded. He cried out as Davis spanked him with his hand across his ass.  
          “I’m no killer, you little shit.”   
          Duo squeezed his eyes shut as the blows came across his ass, thighs and lower back. The man was much bigger than him and strong, each blow stung and burn and would probably bruise, but at least he was keeping to his lower body. He tried to fade away into his memories of Heero and how happy he had been yesterday, but found that he couldn’t bear let this life intrude with his life with Heero. He cried out as Davis thrust back inside of him, each thrust accented by a slap or punch by his bare hand. His throbbed, inside and out, and his skin felt like it was on fire. As Davis exploded inside of him, he punched Duo’s lower back and an intense pain shot up his spine, making him choke on his scream. Duo felt something in his back let go and he fell limp, the radiating pain making it impossible for him to move. Davis pulled out and rolled Duo onto his back.  
          ‘Not the ribs, not the ribs…’ Duo thought, his back screaming at him. Instead, Davis pinched his nose shut and shoved his flaccid dick into Duo’s mouth.  
          “Clean it,” the gruff voice ordered him. Duo lapped up the semen and sweat quickly and Davis released him. Feeling the man getting off the bed, Duo scrambled for his clothes, only to get a kick into the small of his back that sent him to the ground, curling into a ball of agony, gasping for breath.  
          “Get the fuck out. I won’t tell your dad, but if you pull this shit again, I’ll do a lot worse than a free fuck, understood?”   
          Duo nodded and pulled on his clothes, limping out of the apartment.   
   
          As Duo walked back to the apartment, he entertained the idea of hiding in a hole somewhere until Monday came, but decided not to delay the inevitable. Besides, he was already hurt, it made no difference anymore. If he was lucky, he could talk Wes out of hurting him too badly or his ultimate threat. He had stopped at a pet store and gotten some little dollar toys for the cats and some turkey that they would like. He had also gotten beer and food for Wes and a warm jacket for himself, completely using up the forty-five dollars he had. He crept into the alley, dumping the turkey into a corner for the cats and entered the apartment.  
          Wes was his usual furious self when Duo entered.  
          “Where the fuck have you been?!” he snarled. Duo took a step back, making a show of putting the beer and food on the kitchen counter.  
          “A boy at school asked me to stay at his house for the weekend,” Duo explained. Wes’ eyes got a shrewd look.  
          “Did you steal anything from him?” he asked eagerly.  
          “No,” Duo said. Wes slapped him across the face.   
          “What the fuck did I tell you I would do if you put that goddamn school before work?” Wes yelled.   
          “I had to go with him!” Duo lied, “I’m a teenager, if I said that I couldn’t, but couldn’t come up with a reason why, it’d be suspicious! That’s why I didn’t steal from him, he’d know it was me and come looking! I’m sorry, ok! I’ll do whatever you want!”  
          Wes snorted.  
          “You do that for me anyway, boy. Alright, I’ll give you another chance, but I’m going to have to punish you this time.”  
          Duo paled, caught somewhere between fear and relief. He wasn’t going to be chained up anyway, but he didn’t know how much punishment his body could take. Things took a turn for the worse when Wes turned from him and called out ‘Chris!’   
          Duo shook with fear. He hadn’t expected that Wes wouldn’t be alone. Chris was Wes’ partner in crime and the biggest bully Duo had ever met. He made Zechs Merquise seem like a playful puppy. Chris was like every drug runner and pimp that Duo had come across, mean, greedy, and he loved to cause his whores pain and Duo was no exception. When he was over, Duo was expected to treat him like he treated Wes, if Chris wanted something, he got it, and that something was usually Duo’s body. He still had the scars from previous encounters in the form of cigarette burns, long whip scars, and electrical burns.   
          Sure enough, a large man with dark hair and light green eyes entered the kitchen, staring at Duo with that strange mix of lust and perverse childlike glee that Duo hated. He subconsciously rubbed at a smattering of track marks on his left arm. He had only been given drugs a handful of times, but each time had been because of Chris, who loved seeing him fucked up and Duo had hated it each time.   
          “Hold him down,” Wes ordered. Chris grinned. Duo made a run for it, but had to get past Chris to do so and was no match for his much larger form. He struggled as Chris grabbed his arms and threw him onto his stomach on the kitchen table, but it was completely useless. Chris pulled his arms in front of him, keeping him still as Wes undid his belt. Duo felt him lifting up his shirt and pulling down his pants and knew what was coming (2).   
          “What the fuck is this?” Wes swore, looking at the bruises on Duo’s back and ass. “What the hell have you and that boy been doing?!”   
          “Nothing!” Duo protested, “They’re old!”   
          “Liar!” Wes snarled, “This’ll just make it hurt more!”   
          Duo screamed as Wes hit him with the belt, the buckle raking over his back and tearing open his skin. Chris laughed as Duo started to cry at the pain of each powerful blow, the leather of the belt bruising his skin and the sharp buckle making him bleed. Duo’s vision started to gray as his back became hot and slick with his blood. Ten minutes felt like an eternity as Wes’ blows became harder, landing on his lower back, ass, and even his thighs, tearing open skin in long cuts. Finally, Wes dropped the belt and spread Duo’s ass cheeks, thrusting into him. Duo’s body jerked, but Chris held him down as his guardian raped him. Duo squeezed his eyes shut, praying that he would finish quickly.   
          Wes’ fingers dug into his cuts as he thrust in and out of the hot body, the boy’s red ass burning against him. Duo, in pain, squeezed at him and made the blonde cum inside of him. When Wes regained his breath and slid out, Duo laid limp on the table and Chris let go of his arms, all of the fight gone. Chris disappeared behind him and Duo knew what was going to happen and wanted to run as fast as he could, but he didn’t have the strength anymore.   
          Chris was big in a porn star kind of way and in any other situation, Duo would have joked about it, but there was nothing funny when Chris thrust into him and Duo screamed at the pain, blood dripping down his thighs as he was torn by the sheer size of the cock. Chris grunted in his ear, his weight keeping Duo pinned to the table, his thrusts bringing Duo almost all the way off the ground. Duo gritted his teeth at the terrible pain of each thrust. He felt like he was being torn in two and when the huge man came into him with a greater volume than Wes, his wounds stung, he felt as though Chris had reached his stomach somehow since even that hurt. He felt ripping pain in his abdomen, like the one he had felt when Wes had first raped him as a child. Then, Chris was gone and Duo fell to the ground in a spent heap, blood and semen dripping on the floor from his body.   
          Wes escorted his partner out the door and returned to his ‘son’. He took a sniff at the mess and wrinkled his nose in distaste.  
          “Take a shower, I don’t want to be smelling that shit all day.”  
          Duo nodded weakly and got onto shaky feet, stumbling to the bathroom.   
            
          After cleaning out his wounds and giving his hair as much as a washing as he could physically muster, he shuffled to his bedroom. He would have crawled to relieve the pain in his ass if his back didn’t hurt so much as well. While in the shower, he heard Wes leave and knew that he wouldn’t be back for awhile which always happened when he went out. He fell into bed and immediately fell into a dreamless sleep, too tired to so much as twitch. When he awoke, it was Monday morning and found that he had been sleeping in a pool of his own blood. He cleaned himself off again and looked at the clock. He didn’t want to go to school, he just wanted to lay low and lick his wounds, but he remembered what Treize had said and left the apartment.   
   
          Getting to school on foot felt like the hardest thing Duo had had to do in a good long time. It was even harder than that time a john had made him dress up like a Catholic school girl and made him lick his ass. Of course, he hadn’t been beaten raw that time. Heero gave him a wave, but Duo didn’t see him and simply sat in his chair, squirming and trying to keep from wincing or worse, screaming. He listened to Une speak, but nothing came through the haze that was clouding his mind.   
          Zechs stared at Duo in shock. Red… he had red in his hair… and gold, too, and that skin… he smelled so good, like cherries. He had never seen the boy clean before. How had he not seen the boy’s potential? Sure, he had always knows how beautiful Duo was, but this was different. He had to ask him out, just one more time… sex was one thing, but the boy that had limped into the classroom was someone worthy of dating Zechs Merquise. There was no way that Duo would refuse him now.  
   
          Science ended and by the time the bell rang, Duo started to come back to himself. He looked over at Heero worriedly, wondering what Heero thought was wrong with him, but Heero just smiled at him. Duo smiled weakly back. Things would be ok, as long as Heero still liked him, as long as he still had a friend, everything would fine.  
   
          Duo got out his math book out of his locker and waited for Heero to join him in the hall. He felt someone behind him, but knew instinctively that it wasn’t Heero he glared back at Zechs, who had him boxed in between his chest and the locker.  
          “What do you want?” he asked in an icy tone. Ever since he had shown up at school people had been looking at him differently. They were noticing him and for what? Just because he had taken a shower? Everything hurt… he just wanted to be left alone!   
          “Actually, on second thought,” Duo grumbled, turning back to his locker and hot pain flared up his back, “I don’t care about what you want. Just go fuck off.”  
          Duo’s words were harsh, but his tone was weary. He was so sick of being hurt by people. Was it too much to ask to just be left alone? Zechs grabbed Duo’s shoulder, making him flinch despite having no wounds there.  
          “You might want to change your attitude, Maxwell, or have you forgotten all that I’ve done for you?”  
          “I remember all that you’ve done _to_ me and I’m sick of your immature behavior.”  
          Zechs seethed. He thought that he had proven to the boy how mature he was!   
          “I’m trying to ask you out!”  
          Duo laughed bitterly.  
          “I thought we already went through this? I don’t love you! So stop asking me!”   
          Zechs growled.  
          “Is this because of Yuy?” he demanded, his grip tightening.  
          “Heero has nothing to do with this!” Duo hissed.  
          “I want you, do you understand, you should be so grateful, you little whore!”  
          “You want?!!” Duo yelled shrilly, drawing the attention of everyone around them, “maybe I’m sick and tired of what everyone else wants!” Duo tried to move, but Zechs still blocked him. Duo swung the locker door into the tall boy’s face. Zechs staggered back, swearing.   
          “You little bitch! I’m going to kill you!”   
          “Yeah, so you keep saying, why don’t you actually _do_ it for a change?!” Duo screamed, “Just get the fuck out of here, Zechs!”   
          Zechs made a grab for Duo, his icy blue eyes insane.   
          “Hey, Zechs!”   
          The silver haired boy turned, only to be punched in the face by Heero. He slipped to the ground. He stared up at Heero in shock.  
          “You…”  
          Heero glared at him.   
          “He said to leave him alone. I suggest you do it unless you want to be in a world of hurt.”  
          Zechs wanted more than anything to wipe that superior look off of Heero’s face, but knew that even if he could over power him, he was still a Yuy. He picked himself off the ground and gave Duo a heated look.  
          “I _will_ get what I want,” he promised and pushed past Heero.  
          “Do you always use force to get what you want?” Duo asked, effectively wiping the triumphant smirk off Heero’s face.  
          “Mostly,” Heero said honestly. Duo snorted.  
          “Why didn’t you use it to make me give what you wanted when you met me?”  
          Heero looked Duo in the eyes, sending shivers down his spine.  
          “You’re different,” he said in a soft voice.  
          Duo closed and locked his locker.  
          “I don’t need you fighting my battles for me, Heero,” he said.  
          “I know you don’t. I didn’t hit him because I thought you couldn’t take care of himself.”  
          Duo looked back at him.  
          “Then why?” he asked, confused. Heero smirked.  
          “Because he was disrespecting someone I respect and he was pissing me off,” Heero said simply.  
          Duo’s hands shook and a tear escaped from his eye, unnoticed by him.  
          ‘No, Heero, don’t you know? There’s nothing inside of me worthy of your respect or your protection,’ he thought.   
          “Duo, what’s wrong?” Heero asked, alarmed. Duo swiped at the tear.  
          “Nothing, I’m fine,” he lied.   
   
          Duo tried to keep his limp from Heero, but it was hard. His abdomen burned and throbbed, his striped back was searing, his shirt sticking to the wounds, but he went on, as he always did. However, though he hadn’t eaten anything since he had left Heero’s house, his stomach was flat pit inside of him and the thought of eating disgusted him. And, though being around Heero all day had helped him a little, he desperately wanted some air, some time to himself. So, when the lunch bell rang, he took off before Heero could take him to the cafeteria, going were ever his feet took him and he ended up on the soccer field. He stood off to the side by the bleachers, after hours of sitting in a chair, his back and butt were stiff and it was impossible for him to sit, especially on the hard metal bleachers. He looked up at the gray sky. It was going to rain tonight, he realized. Gym was next block and they were playing basketball today. He just hoped that some of the pain would go away, but nothing had ebbed since he had left the apartment, so he doubted it would settle in the next half hour.   
          One second, he was standing on solid earth, looking up at the cloudy sky, and the next he was flying back into the bushes, landing on his aching back, and looking into angry, icy eyes. Duo went to knee his attacker in the groin, but Zechs was fast, using his knees to pin down his legs and grabbing Duo’s wrists with one hand to keep him from striking him.   
          “You owe me for this, Maxwell,” Zechs hissed, a vivid bruise on his cheek where Duo had taken him out with the locker door.   
          “Get the fuck off of me or I’ll do you worse!” Duo snarled, trying to fight out of his grip, but the pain in his back prevented him from twisting in any way. He cried out in pain as Zechs rolled him over onto his stomach in a jarring motion.   
          “One last chance, Maxwell. Be my boyfriend or I’ll make your life a living hell.”  
          “Fuck you!” Duo snarled, “I’m never fucking you again, let alone be seen with you in public!”  
          Fury boiled through Zechs’ body.  
          “Because of that blue-eyed Jap?! I’ve heard what people are saying about you two! About how you slept over his house… you’re sleeping with him, now, aren’t you?!” Zechs hissed. Duo glared at the ground, gravel digging into his cheek. His fingernails dug into Zechs hand in anger at his accusations about Heero.   
          “Why don’t you just fuck off?” Duo growled, already growing tired of Zechs’ never ending games. Zechs just smirked. He had never raped anyone before, but the thought of raping the longhaired boy excited him. Duo felt Zechs shift his weight off of him and start to pick at his shirt, yanking it up and his pants down. He heard Zechs’ gasp and a deep blush started to burn on his face. He didn’t know what was more humiliating; Zechs seeing his wound, or being felt up by a spoiled brat who didn’t understand ‘no’. Of course, he was used to men not understanding that word, but Zechs was a boy, not a man and there was something about him that offended Duo personally.   
          “What the fuck is this?” Zechs demanded, shocked as he saw the bruises and stripes on Duo’s back and ass. Duo used Zechs’ shifted weight against him and freed one of his legs, kicking Zechs in the thigh and shakily rolling away from him.   
          “Asshole!” Duo snapped, trying to get to his feet, but Zechs pinned him onto his back.   
          “Why are you being so stubborn?” Zechs demanded.  
          “Because you disgust me!”   
          ‘How could I ever let a stupid boy like you fuck me for something so small when I finally found something that I _do_ love?!’  
          Zechs hit him in the stomach, making Duo give out a choked cry. His blows were nothing compared to Wes or Chris’, but in his injured state, it was enough. He curled into as much of a ball as he could and rode it out. He gritted his teeth as his lungs clenched at the abuse to his ribs and blood started to flood his mouth with every breath. Zechs’ blue eyes were furious chunks of ice and when the anger finally curbed over, he was panting, his fists aching. Duo kept his head low to the ground until he felt Zechs leaving the bushes, but he didn’t move. He laid there, just focusing on breathing as his ribs and lungs and stomach burned from the blows. But, even the new bruises didn’t hurt quite as much as the older ones. Fuck, had that really only been yesterday? Eventually, Zechs would come back, he knew that, they always did. He had gotten the last word in today, but he still hadn’t gotten what he wanted from Duo. He supposed that was a small victory. He had gotten the crap beaten out of him, but he was alive and Zechs hadn’t raped him. He wrapped a hand protectively around his throbbing stomach as he heard someone moving outside of the bushes. He was honestly glad he hadn’t eaten anything or he would be throwing it up right now. It didn’t matter who was prowling outside of his little hiding place, he wasn’t up to fighting back anymore.   
          “Duo?!” a very familiar voice said in a panic. Duo blinked up at Heero’s frantic blue eyes. They were so blue… bluer than the sky, even.   
          “Hey, Heero,” Duo croaked.   
          “Shit,” Heero hissed as he took in Duo’s position, “what happened?” Duo wasn’t moving, which meant that he was hurt, but he couldn’t see anything that wasn’t under Duo’s clothes.  
          “Zechs’ revenge,” Duo said with a sarcastic grin. Heero swore under his breath and very carefully helped Duo to his feet.  
          “We have to get you to the nurse’s office,” Heero kept a firm grip on Duo’s arm in case he fell over. He noticed very quickly that there was something wrong with Duo’s right leg, since he mostly dragged it behind him or limped badly. He also seemed to be favoring his lower back, so Heero was very careful with how fast they moved.   
          “No!” Duo protested and tried to move away, but Heero’s grip was solid and he refused to let his friend try to walk on his own.  
          “Duo, stop it! You’re injured and someone needs to know about Zechs. What’s to stop him from doing this again?” Heero demanded.  
          “Heero, the day’s half over and there’s nothing that the nurse can do for me. Besides,” Duo murmured bitterly, “this isn’t the first time Zechs has gone after me and nothing happened then and nothing will happen now.”  
          Heero thought back to his talk with Une and realized the problem. They could tell all the teachers and principal about what had happened, but it would still be Duo’s word against Zechs and Heero didn’t think he would be quite happy if Heero used his mother’s name to get Zechs in trouble. He hated this. Before Duo, he wouldn’t have hesitated to use dirty tactics to make Zechs pay, but he knew that Duo wasn’t like that and he would do anything that he asked of him. He wanted to force him to go to the nurse’s office, just so someone could tell him that Duo was ok, but he knew that that wouldn’t go down very well. Duo wasn’t bleeding, as far as he could tell, he just looked roughed up a little, though it seemed most of the wounds were out of sight underneath his clothes.  
          “Fine, no nurse’s office, but you’re not going to gym, deal?”  
          Duo nodded, but seemed distracted.   
          “Thank you, Heero.”  
          Heero just snorted in annoyance.   
   
   
          Heero’s annoyance quickly turned into anger as Zechs waltzed into the gym like he owned the place and, five minutes later, Duo also came in, dressed in his gym uniform and limping. Heero glared at him, but Duo just grinned sheepishly. Any chance Heero had to get him out of there was lost when their gym teacher, Hilde Schbeiker came in and gave them the rules and split them up into teams. To Heero’s dismay, he was stuck on the same team as Zechs while Duo was on the other. Zechs was in the perfect position to cause Duo some harm, but Heero stuck to him like glue, not giving him a chance to do anything as Duo struggled through the game, anyone watching could tell that he was in serious pain.   
          “Heero, be more aggressive!” Hilde shouted, but kept her eyes on Duo and Zechs. Something was going on between the two of them. Every time Duo was alone, Zechs would go after him, and Heero would intervene. She hated not knowing things, and she hated, even more, when her students were planning things. They were like rats at times, or rather, more like a vicious pack of dogs. She had seen it a million times and she had no tolerance for bullying.   
          Suddenly, Duo was alone again and Zechs made a beeline for him as he limped after the rest of his team. Heero made a go for Zechs, only to be blocked by a member of Duo’s team. Heero watched with furious, wide eyes as Zechs slammed Duo into the wall with his elbow. Heero shoved the boy guarding him to the floor and ran as Duo slid to the ground, curled into a protective ball and Zechs walked away from him with a satisfied smirk.   
          “Shit!” Schbeiker swore and ran after Heero towards Duo. Heero was torn. There was a part of him that wanted to go after Zechs and bash _his_ head into the wall, and another part of him just wanted to protect Duo. He listened to the latter and was at Duo’s side in seconds with their teacher at his heels.  
          “Duo!” he cried. Duo looked up at the familiar voice, dazed.  
          “Hee-,” Duo choked and coughed into his hand, staining it with blood. Both Heero and Hilde watched in alarm as Duo couldn’t stop the coughing and blood speckled the waxed, wooden floor from his coughing.   
          “Merquise, principal office, now!” Schbeiker snarled. Zechs looked at her, stunned.  
          “I didn’t do anything!” he protested.  
          “Shut the fuck up and get out of here!” she hissed coldly, making him pale and he fled, realizing that no amount of arguing was going to going to change her mind, but that didn’t mean a damn thing in his mind.   
          “Yuy, get him to the nurse’s office,” she ordered.  
          “No,” Duo pleaded, “Heero, I can’t go there…”  
          Heero ignored him and carefully lifted him into his arms.   
   
   
          “I’ve been waiting for this for a long time, Merquise,” Khushrenada said with a smirk, making the longhaired boy squirm.   
          “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said with an obvious fake innocence.  
          “Do you honestly think that your father’s name can help you anymore? Maybe that was true when you were a kid, but this isn’t a game, Zechs and daddy can’t protect you anymore.”  
          Treize watched as Zechs’ hands tightened on the chair.  
          “You’re going to be suspended for five days.”  
          “What?!” Zechs exploded, “You can’t do that! I didn’t do anything, it was just gym class!”   
          “So, you used excessive force on a boy almost half your size who wasn’t even near you? Is that the best excuse you can come up with? Five days, Merquise. If you go near that boy again, it’ll be expulsion.”  
          Zechs stood, furious.  
          “This isn’t happening, not without a fight! I didn’t do anything to the little faggot!”   
          “You do that, Merquise,” Treize said with a dismissal of his hand, “but call Maxwell that again, and, since we’re all alone in here, it’ll be just be my word against yours.”  
          Zechs glared at him. Treize just grinned.  
          “How does it feel, Merquise?”  
   
   
          Heero paced outside the nurse’s office. Nurse Po had taken Duo inside and ushered him out, saying that she would tell him what was going on once she had made sure that her patient wouldn’t need to go to the hospital. He hated not knowing things, but he respected her authority. There wasn’t anything he could do in this situation, anyway. Finally, the door opened and the young blonde nurse peeked her head out.  
          “Heero? You can go home now, the school day’s over.”  
          He gritted his teeth.  
          “How is he?!” he demanded. She sighed.  
          “Just a bit bruised up. He’s sleeping now, I gave him some over the counter pain killers. I’ve called his father and he’s going to pick him up,” she said with a sweet smile. Heero narrowed his eyes at her.  
          “You’re sure he’s ok?”  
          She nodded.  
          “His father will be here in a few hours. I’m sure he’ll be in class tomorrow.”  
          Heero sighed.  
          “Fine, but tell him… tell him that I’m worried about him, so if he’d call, I’d be really grateful, ok?”  
          “Alright.”  
            
          Sally Po waited for the Yuy boy to leave before she returned to her only patient. He was indeed sleeping, out of pure exhaustion and pain and she could see why. He was lying on his stomach, his shirt pushed up around his upper chest, his skin terribly pale in the bright lights of the infirmary. The bruises and stripes were livid, his breathing sounded all wrong. Zechs Merquise had sent many underclassmen her way and she knew how imposing he was, but not even a brute like Zechs could have made wounds this severe. It would have taken someone much larger and much stronger… Her pale blue eyes sadly followed each cut and bruise, even old scars and burns.   
          “Who did this to you?” she murmured, her heart clenching in a mix of sadness and anger that anyone could do something so cruel to a child. She had lied to the boy’s friend. She had called the number in Maxwell’s file, but no one had answered. A few years ago she had lived on Baltic and the boy’s address bothered her. She needed to find his father. A while ago, she had met a boy that had been abused by his father, but nothing like this. She knew, somewhere deep inside, that this boy was being abused by someone he knew, and it was most likely his father. She watched him sleep, saying good night to the janitor when he came around, and waited for the school to close. Duo didn’t awake.  
          “I’ll be back in a little while, honey,” she whispered to his sleeping form and left the office, locking the door behind her.   
   
            
          Duo’s address didn’t exist, Po quickly found out. She went door to door on Baltic, asking if anyone had seen a boy like Duo around. None of them had. Something terrible was going on and that knowledge gnawed at her. She knew that she should go back to the school, but she was persistent. She would find his elusive father and find out what was going on. She left Baltic and hit Park, the next street over, still asking around, but with the same result, only the people on the street were much less forthcoming with their information.   
          An hour after she had started her search on Park, she was approached by a tall blonde. He smiled pleasantly at her and her handsome face would have made her melt if not for his cold, gray eyes.   
          “Hey, I heard you were looking for a kid named Maxwell?” he asked. She nodded, cautious of this man.  
          “I think I know where he lives,” the man said and, despite herself, she felt excited that her search was finally providing fruit. So, she followed him, even when he led her back to Baltic, even when he led her down an alley. When she saw the alley, some part of her knew what was happening, but she was stubborn and the whole reason why she had decided to become a school nurse was to help students. So, she only had herself to blame when he led her to a dead end and took out a gun, pointing it at her face. She watched the muzzle, how steady it was, and felt her mind screaming. What was it about one freshman boy that was so secretive?  
          “I’m going to make you a deal, bitch,” the man said, all pretense of friendship gone, “you forget all about Duo Maxwell and I’ll let you live. You put up a fight or come looking for him again, and I’ll kill you and cut you’re body up into so many pieces, they’ll still be looking for all of you next year. Do you understand?”        
          Sally nodded frantically. What had she fallen into?  
   
   
          Duo awoke in a strange place. As a whore and an ex-street kid, that wasn’t so strange. While he had been homeless, he had woken up in strange places every day and afterwards, if things got too rough, he would be in the same situation. This, however, was different. He sat up with a sharp wince and pulled his shirt down. Where was Heero? That was the last thing he remembered, Heero carrying him to the nurse’s office despite his attempts to get him to change his mind. What had happened after that? He was obviously still in the infirmary and Heero nor the nurse were anywhere in sight. Panic filled him. Had she seen his wounds and reported him or tried to contact Wes? Had she told Heero? He knew one thing: he had to get out of here and get home as soon as possible. He heard no noises, which meant that the school was closed, which meant that Wes was no doubt severely pissed off by now. After yesterday, he couldn’t afford anymore injuries.   
          He checked the door and found it locked, but school doors weren’t vaults and he unlocked it easily. He was still hurting and getting back home was a trial, but he made it in only a few hours. The apartment door was unlocked for him and Wes was in the kitchen, microwaving something for dinner and twirling an old baseball bat in his left hand.  
          “Are you done making trouble for me?” Wes asked coldly. Duo froze.  
          “What do you mean?”  
          Wes’ gray eyes were furious as he turned to look at the boy.  
          “A woman was around looking for you. A woman from your school.”  
          Duo paled. Nurse Po, it had to be.   
          “That isn’t my fucking fault!” Duo yelled, realizing his mistake only when the words left his mouth. Wes swung the bat and it connected to Duo’s side, making him fall to the floor with a scream. Hot, wet pain radiated through his side. He felt something crack, then release, his vision becoming gray.  
          “How many times are we going to have to do this before you start learning your place?” Wes asked in annoyance, twirling the bat.  
          “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Duo pleaded, “I didn’t know she was going to come looking. It really wasn’t my fault. I got hurt in gym and I was taken to the nurse against my will! Please… please stop…”  
          Wes leaned the bat against the wall.  
          “I’ve fixed the problem,” he said coolly, “but I can’t keep giving you more chances, kiddo. But, for now, there isn’t a problem. Now, get out of here. I don’t need you tonight.”   
          Duo dragged his leg behind him as he disappeared into his room. He prayed that tomorrow wouldn’t be so… unlucky.  
  



	5. Chapter 4: Competition, Revelations, and Disappearances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero gets some competition for Duo's affections in a transfer student named Wufei. Duo meets Heero's childhood friends, Trowa and Quatre. An enemy of Heero's past joins forces with Zechs to try to tear Duo and Heero apart forever.

Chapter 4: Competition, Revelations, and Disappearances  
   
   
          Staying true to her word, even when Sally Po finally got to the safety of her home, she didn’t call the cops. She had gone back to the school to check on Duo, only to find an unlocked door and an empty bed. She had gone home with a heavy and confused heart. However, the next day at school, she kept her eyes out for the longhaired boy. Just as he thought, he limped through the entire day, but she didn’t say anything to him. She was too terrified. As a nurse, she felt ashamed at her cowardice to help a child, but she couldn’t put her life in danger.  
   
          Three days later, it was still a challenge for Duo to get up in the morning. The muscles in his side had turned into a solid, iron ball and his wounds weren’t healing very quickly. He still limped a little and had to be careful how he moved. He had been excused from gym for the rest of the week and he had managed to assuage Heero’s fear of his poor mobility, ironically, thanks to what had happened with Zechs. With the silver haired bully gone until next Wednesday, Duo could relax. Heero was still a little concerned about his friend and all of Tuesday and Wednesday he had carried Duo’s things, much to Duo’s annoyance. Tuesday, when Heero had caught Duo in homeroom, he had been angry that Duo had shown up in gym the day before. So, Duo had told him as much as the truth as he could, that, due to sickness, he had missed a lot of classes and if he missed just one more, he wouldn’t be allowed to go to school anymore. Heero was still a bit annoyed at Duo putting himself in a position to get hurt, but accepted his explanation. With the approach of Friday, Heero had once again asked him to sleep over and Duo was once again torn. He wanted more than anything to go over Heero’s house once more, but he wasn’t sure that he was willing to bear the brunt of Wes’ anger again. So, instead he had promised Heero that he would ask his ‘father’ if it was ok. He actually would, too, he decided, it was one of the few things in his life that was worth fighting for.  
   
          “I will pick you up from school promptly at two,” Chang Zhi told his son, “your mother wants you completely unpacked by tonight.”  
          “Yes sir,” Wufei said and left the car, watching his father drive off. He sneered at the look of his new high school and the students loitering in front of it. Thinking of this place as his new home was impossible. Everywhere he looked were fat men stuffing there faces, anorexic women chatting on cell phones and stinking of hundred dollar perfumes, little children whining about the newest gadgets. America… in China he had heard stories about this country, but the truth was even more disgusting. He wanted nothing to do with these people. What he wanted was to go back to China, where things made sense.  
          The other students quickly got out of the way of the strange Chinese boy in their midst as he made his way into the school. He looked angry for some reason and severe with his dark brown eyes and tightly tied ponytail. Any curiosity they had for a new student vanished at the sight of his well trained muscles and scrutinizing glare. Wufei watched in disgust as a couple made out against his appointed locker. In China, lovers showed their love for each other in the secrecy of their own homes, not where everyone could see! Of course… that was the whole reason why his father had saw it fit to move them to this dreadful country.  
          Forbidden love… Chang Wufei had read about it in hundreds of poems, but he had never experienced it until a year ago when he had met Qiao Fai Jie, a fellow, lonely boy in his small village. Despite being in a lower class, he and Fai had become close friends. The Chang family was from a long line of nobles and Wufei was the only child, meaning that his marriage had been in planning even before his birth, but the plans of men and all that… No one had been more shocked than Wufei to find that he was actually attracted to the other boy. But, he had been cocky, sure that he could hide this… disturbing attraction from his family while catering to it in secret. What he had not accounted for was that, somewhere along the line, the sexual attraction would turn to love. A month ago, his family had found out his dark secret; he was gay. The current leader of the family, Wufei’s grandfather, Long, had deemed him unfit to be heir and had cast Wufei’s mother, father, and himself, from the clan. His father, ashamed of what had happened, and worried about Wufei’s safety after seeing the rage of his betrothed’s family, had relocated him to the neutral America. Wufei understood why it had had to happen, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. Far from being ashamed of his sexuality, he missed Fai more than any other thing from his homeland and he had no intention of burying his homosexuality or trying to date a woman. One day he hoped to return to China for his Fai and move someplace where their love was accepted, not scorned, but for now he had to survive this country and this school. From the looks of the shabby school and spoiled students, it wouldn’t be easy, just for his sanity.  
   
   
          “Hey, Heero,” Duo greeted as he sat down at a lunch table with him. Heero immediately handed over an extra chicken patty, some fries, and a strawberry yoghurt, which he hated, but had bought because he knew that Duo liked them. Duo accepted them without argument and dug in. In the week that he had been friends with Heero, Duo had learned that Heero was quite possibly the most stubborn, infuriating boy on the planet and arguing with him on some things was just a waste of time. This was one of those things. He didn’t like taking food from Heero, it made him feel like he was taking advantage of him, but it also made him feel good at the same time, knowing that there was someone out there who cared about him enough to give him free food. He vowed that one day he would pay Heero back, even if that wasn’t looking very likely. After and before school, he had been literally working his tail off to make things up to Wes. Usually he would give him a small percent of his nightly earnings like a five, ten, or if he was really happy with Duo, a twenty, but after the sleepover and the incident with Po, he considered himself lucky to be going to school at all, or even to be walking around freely. It would be a long time before Wes forgave him enough to give him any money. His ass felt like it would never stop being numb again and he could still taste semen on his tongue, not a pleasant thing, but coupled with the alternative of being chained to a bed for the rest of his life, it was a small price to pay.  
          “Looks like you’re not the newest guy around anymore,” Duo said in between nibbles of his fries. Heero raised a dark eyebrow.  
          “What do you mean?”  
          “Some of the sophomores are saying that there’s a new kid in the class, some Chinese boy. He looks really intimidating, kind of like you, but shorter and he refuses to talk to anyone.”  
          Heero narrowed his eyes at the thought of there being anyone to compare to himself. He was caught once again analyzing what Duo liked about him, just in case this new kid had the same qualities. In the past he would have thought that his being a Yuy would be enough, but he knew now that Duo wasn’t normal and didn’t care about something like that. Without his name to protect him and tie his new friend to him, Heero felt panicked. He hated how vulnerable Duo made him. He was trying to find something within himself that was good and special, but all he came up with was him name and that made him feel… weak. He had never been anything but confident before and this new feeling of uselessness bothered him.  
          “Don’t worry,” Duo said with a bright smile, “you’ll always be my favorite Asian.”  
          Heero snorted, but relief flooded him.  
          “I’m not jealous,” he lied. Duo just grinned.  
   
          Wufei almost ran out of the cafeteria. When he was little, his mother had told him that the god’s had given bits of themselves to every person and that in every woman, no matter how small or simple, was a piece of Nataku, the warrior God. It had sounded like such a fanciful idea at the time, a piece of a God inside of him, but in his more mature years, he had realized that it had been just a story. Women did not have warriors inside of them nor were people blessed with the immortal souls of Gods. Or, at least that _was_ what he had thought until he had seen that boy. He had been the very picture of a God or Goddess with that long, flowing bronze hair and eyes that almost glowed. He had been so pretty, but so strong as well. He could tell by the ancient glint of those eyes. It was like seeing an immortal trapped in a child’s body. The boy reminded him of his Fai, only there was something unattainable about him that drew Wufei to him. In this place he had never thought he would find someone like him. Maybe America wasn’t so terrible. He knew only one thing: he had to have him.  
   
          Duo hated stalkers. Of course, when Heero had followed him around that first day, it had been kind of cute, but now that it was happening again, it was just annoying this time. This was probably because it wasn’t Heero and if he was honest with himself, he had been just a little bit attracted to Heero even then. The Chinese boy that was stalking him now was pretty cute, but he wasn’t Heero. The worst part was that Duo couldn’t figure out his motives. With Heero, it was easy to read him, but this boy was a mystery. He knew about the boy, of course. He was Chang Wufei, the new Chinese sophomore, but that was all that he knew. It was last block and he was walking to his music class when he spotted him trailing him through the hallway. Duo had had enough. He turned to meet his stalker and Wufei stopped walking, looking around for an escape route, but Duo didn’t give him the chance.  
          “Why are you following me?” Duo demanded, getting close to Wufei, but not close enough to be deliberately confrontational, the Chinese boy looked like he could send him flying through the wall. Wufei’s face turned beet red at the other boy’s proximity, but couldn’t turn away.  
          “I-uh… well… I mean…,” he stuttered. This had been so much easier with Fai. There was something about this boy; he made his heart tighten and pound, but he also set something off in his head, something that screamed at him to just walk away.  
          “I love you!” Wufei blurted out. Duo blinked at him.  
          “Oh, is that all?” he asked in a subdued tone. Wufei stared at him, pale and shocked at the dismissal. His pride burned at him, but he vowed that he would persevere.  
          Duo was equally shocked, but didn’t show it; he was used to hiding his feelings. He couldn’t believe it. First Zechs, now this boy? What _was_ it about him that screamed ‘slut’? This boy didn’t even know him! The only person around here that knew him at all was Heero and he was hiding so much from him… But, he had loved Heero the second he had seen him, hadn’t he? No, he told himself. He had been attracted him, but he hadn’t fallen in love until he had gotten to know him better.  
          “I know what I feel!” Wufei protested. He had read about this scenario; the hero’s affection would deny his love and the hero, in turn, would struggle for them and continually announce his love until the one he loves finally sees his feelings are true and fall in love with him. Of course, things hadn’t been like that with Fai, there had been no games, only truth, but this boy was of a different caliber.  
          “I’ll keep telling you that I love you until you believe me! I’ll never give up! I’ll follow you at every step and _prove_ that I love you!” Wufei said with conviction. Instead of looking overjoyed at Wufei’s proclamation, Duo just looked sad.  
          “Is that what you think love is? Stalking someone? Forcing your love on them? Do you really think you can just _make_ me love you?” Duo asked. Wufei stared at him, perplexed.  
          “I mean, that stuff probably works in movies, books, and music, but in real life, no one likes being treated that way. No matter how many times you say it, my answer is going to be the same; I don’t love you,” with that, Duo walked away, hurrying to his next class. Wufei watched him go, confused and shattered. He couldn’t understand it, why weren’t his attempts working. He was attractive, smart, and driven, what more could the long haired boy want?  
          Wufei’s brown eyes widened in realization. He wasn’t the only one by the boy’s side, after all, there had been that other boy, the one with the glowering blue eyes. He had been with his love at lunch, hanging on his every word, and in his classes, always sitting near him, always watching… Did the longhaired boy love him instead? Wufei smiled. There was nothing that the blue eyed boy had that he did not, if he could only get him to back off, the violent eyed boy would be his.  
   
          “He what?!” Heero demanded.  
          “He said that he loved me and would follow me until I loved him, too weird, huh?” Duo said with humor in his voice, but Heero didn’t feel like laughing. He had no idea that love would be so painful. Just the thought of another boy working for Duo’s affections filled him with a sort of sad, desperate rage, even though he knew that Chang didn’t have a chance with Duo, he didn’t need to see Duo’s scorn of the boy to know that. But, crazier things had happened and just the possibility made him feel anxious to the pit of his stomach. He felt ill with the image of some strange boy’s arm around those thin shoulders.  
          “It’s weird enough that an attractive boy like him could fall for someone like me, but that he’s so adamant about it… I don’t know if he’s stubborn, spoiled, or thinks he’s stuck in a cheesy, grocery store romance novel!”  
          “Stop it!” Heero suddenly snapped. There was that painful anger again. Duo blinked at him.  
          “Is it so inconceivable that someone could be attracted to you?” Heero asked bitterly.  
          “Heero… I’m…” Duo murmured, “well, look at me, I’m not exactly going to win any prizes,” Duo looked down at his old clothes, torn in some places, his too-pale skin that reminded him or sickness, his dull brown braid looking like a rat tail, slung over his shoulders and trailing down his shirt, his messy bangs and limbs so thin, he could almost see the bones underneath, even his bizarre eyes and broken glasses that he couldn’t see. It was easy for him to imagine why desperate men looking for a quick fuck like Wes, Chris, and all of his johns made a go for him, but classy guys like Wufei, and even, his heart throbbed, Heero? There was nothing attractive there, not even pretty or cute.  
          “You’re beautiful!” Heero blurted out, then snapped his mouth closed. Duo stared at him in amazement. Heero felt like slamming his head against the table for admitting that, but he wouldn’t take it back. He would never take it back.  
          “Heero…”  
          “You are, ok? Is that the reason why you turned him down? Because you don’t think you’re good enough for him?” Heero asked, trying to keep the anger out of his voice. Duo looked away from his intense blue stare.  
          “Maybe a little, but the truth is, I _don’t_ feel anything for the guy, not even attraction. I don’t know anything about him and his attitude annoys me,” Duo said, “even when I first met you and you annoyed me, you didn’t force me to do anything. You tried to figure me out and stalked me, but you never told me that I _had_ to be your friend, you just asked me to give a chance. It’s just… different with you.”  
          Heero felt guilt, something he hadn’t felt in a long time, at the reminder of what he had done to Duo that first day. It was true that he had stalked him and had been a bit… stubborn, but he was still glad at how things had worked out. He had never felt guilty, even when he had beaten people up, but Duo was right, it was just different, Duo was different. The only other person alive that could make him feel things like that was his mother. Still, he felt a burst of pride at having a special place in Duo’s heart, even if it was just as a friend.  
          “Do you… like guys?” Heero asked cautiously, knowing it was a dangerous question, but his curiosity and desire begging him to ask it.  
          Duo gnawed on his lip, thinking about that question. He had been fucked by hundreds of guys, but hadn’t been attracted to any of them, at least, he didn’t _think_ he had been. Maybe he was warped. What if he was as nasty as Wes? He had spent more than half of his life with the man and here he was attracted to another boy, when before he had never been sexually attracted to _anyone_. What if… he did something nasty to Heero because of all the time he had been with Wes. He knew how to hurt someone, badly, and though Heero, like all the other men in his life, was bigger than him, that fear was still there, that one day he would hurt someone that he loved and he _did_ love Heero, just as much as he loved his cats and Solo, except the love was different, more intense, and that scared him.  
          Duo shrugged.  
          “I don’t know, really. I’ve got nothing against homosexuals if that’s what you’re trying to say. I’m not afraid of my sexuality, I just don’t know what I want,” he explained, “my feelings for Wufei have nothing to do with his gender. He just rubs me the wrong way. I’m not scared of a guy professing his feelings for me. I’m scared of people who think that their emotions give them the excuse to do whatever they want.”  
          “This is really bothering you, isn’t it?” Heero asked, alarmed and more than just a little angry. Duo nodded.  
          “I’ve been forced into things my whole life. If I do fall in love, I want it to be because I’ve found something in that person, not because _they_ want me to love them. I’m just… sick of people bigger than me controlling my life, you know?”  
          Before Heero could ask what he meant, the final bell rang and Duo finished getting his books from his locker.  
          “See you tomorrow, Heero. I’ll let you know what my dad says, ok?”  
          Heero waved him off, his blue eyes intent and focused. It was time he and Chang had a talk.  
   
          Despite Wufei’s intention to find the blue eyes boy, it was said boy who beat him to the punch. He had been waiting for his father to pick him up when a tall, imposing, and strangely familiar boy approached him.    
          “Chang Wufei?” the boy asked in a deep voice.  
          “Yes?” Wufei asked wearily. He had never thought that this boy would seek him out. Perhaps he and the longhaired beauty really _were_ lovers? The blue-eyed boy folded his arms in an intimidating gesture. It worked. Wufei had trained in martial arts, but he was honestly scared of this boy.  
          “I want you to leave Duo Maxwell alone,” Blue Eyes said, his stance and eyes menacing.  
          “What are you talking about?” Wufei asked, momentarily confused.  
          “Heero sighed in exasperation. This boy was infuriating and just a little bit slow.  
          “Duo Maxwell, kid with the glasses and long hair, you know, the boy you’re so intent on stalking?”  
          It dawned on Wufei. The boy’s name was Duo. It was a strange name and suited him somehow.  
          “And what’s your connection to him?” Wufei demanded.  
          “He’s my friend, my best friend, and I’m telling you to fuck off, he’s not interested.”  
          Wufei snorted.  
          “In other words, you’re nobody. Who do you think you are to order me around?”  
          “I’m Heero Yuy,” Heero said with a sneer.  
          Wufei paled. Suddenly, he realized why Heero seemed so familiar.  
          “T-that’s impossible… you can’t be here!” Wufei protested. Heero’s grin grew.  
          “You obviously don’t read the tabloids.”  
          “I don’t care!” Wufei snarled, but Heero could see how terrified he was, so different from Duo’s indifference and stubbornness, this boy’s disinterest was just an act, “He’s mine! I love him and you can’t stop me!”  
          Heero brushed him off with a wave of his hand.  
          “I don’t need to. Duo has made it perfectly clear that you annoy him. To him, you’re just a stupid little boy trying to wear his father’s suits and call himself a ‘man’. Duo’s too mature for you. He’s looking for someone with a _brain_. So, I suggest that you back off before you suffer from more than a broken heart,” Heero said cruelly. He didn’t care about the other boy’s feelings, he just knew that he was distressing Duo and that had to stop. He walked off towards his car, hoping that the threat would be sufficient.  
          “You don’t deserve him!” Wufei yelled. Heero looked back at him over his shoulder, his eyes hard and sad.  
          “Neither of us do.”  
   
          This was bad, this was very, very bad. It was hard enough going after a boy that already had a suitor, but that the suitor was THE Heero Yuy… that was just bad. But… he still wanted Duo, badly. Competing with the heir to the Yuy Corporation, however, was not something that he could rush into. In the way of money and fame, he had nothing to offer Duo, but he was sure that the boy would come around to him. But, Yuy was still a big fish, though him calling him a boy had burned quite badly. And what was that bullshit about not deserving him? What was Heero on anyway? A Yuy not worthy of a high school boy from a plain Maine town? That didn’t make any sense. Then there was that spiel about Duo being too mature for Wufei. That was bullshit, too. No high school freshman was that mature and how dare Yuy insinuate that he was immature?! This wasn’t over by a long shot, Yuy could insult him, but he wouldn’t steal away the boy of his dreams.  
   
   
          Heero’s insides were burning, as though he had bad heartburn. In the past, he would have slammed Wufei’s head into the wall a few times, but, annoyingly, he found that he couldn’t do it. Duo would have hated him for it, doing violence to solve his problems and Heero getting involved with his problems. Still, Chang’s arrogance had enraged him. He told himself that he was just as arrogant at times, or at least he had been. It had taken a boy that he was secretly in love with to knock him down a few pegs and realize that getting his way wasn’t always a possibility. After all, he wanted was Duo’s love, but that was more elusive than any money could buy. But, this Wufei… did he really think that he loved Duo like Heero did? He didn’t know him at all! Duo deserved so much more than a pair of bossy, stubborn pretty boys trying to control his life. He had started to learn that the second he had seen Zechs slam him against the locker and had finished when he had watched him leave last weekend, looking so sad, but accepting of that sadness. Heero knew that there was something deep inside, he had known that the moment he saw that, only now he knew it wasn’t because Duo was stubborn or unimpressed, it was something deeper, perhaps a bit darker. Wufei hadn’t seen that and that pissed him off. He was just like everyone else in this fucking school, only seeing what was on the surface of Duo’s façade. Heero knew better and he refused to surrender to anyone that couldn’t even see those basic facts. He could accept that he wasn’t worthy of Duo, but he couldn’t accept anyone else in Duo’s life that was even less worthy. Sooner or later, Wufei would learn how special Duo was, and it had nothing to do how pretty he was and Heero would be there to rub it in his face.  
   
   
          Duo sat in the corner of the room on the dirty floor, freezing, stifling a strong cough that had started to escalate in the last few days. The sitting pose hurt his side, which had yet to stop throbbing since the injury, but it had subsided from the intensity of that Sunday and Monday. His ribs and back still ached, but it was manageable and he was able to go to gym again. The biggest pain was the heat and solidness of his side that wasn’t going away, but it wasn’t the first time he had had a lingering pain. His stomach growled painfully at the smell of hot meat. The reason why he was on the floor was that Wes’ kitchen only had two chairs, both of which were occupied by Chris and Wes. He was cold because he was naked, but thankfully they were done with him and he was getting over most of the shock that he always had when they ganged up on him like that. Semen and blood stained the hard wood floor, but he wasn’t up to moving just yet.  
          The two men were eating ribs at the kitchen table and as soon as his nausea and shock had worn off, his hunger had kicked in. He was sure that they would have gotten a kick out of him begging for some scraps like a dog, as they always did, but thanks to Heero’s charity, he wasn’t as hungry as he should have been and didn’t go down to their level. Still, the smell of the meat was intoxicating. For a moment, he tried to remember how he had ended up on the floor and when Chris had shown up, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t the first time that his short term memory had failed him, but the gaps in his memory still annoyed him. He was always worried that he would forget something important, which was why he took such strict notes in school. He remembered walking home and he remembered having sex, but from after entering the apartment and after the sex, he couldn’t remember much.  
          Duo watched Wes eat with cold dislike. He wondered at times that, if he was gay, why he wasn’t more attracted to him. He was handsome with his golden, messy hair and muscular arms, but those cold, hard gray eyes told a different story. He curled his legs against his stomach protectively. They hadn’t been brutal with him today, but they didn’t have to be to make him feel battered. He ached for his best friend and his clean, perfect home and his kind, but strong mother. As he shifted, he became more aware of his sore anal muscles and the semen still pooling out of him that was starting to cool.  
          “That boy asked me to stay over again,” he said, his voice sounding sharp to him compared to the soft voices of the men discussing a drug called ‘KL6’, one that Duo was unfortunately familiar with.  
          “So?” Wes asked in between chews of his meal, “I don’t see what that has to do with me. Tell him no, I’m sure you’ll think of something,” with that dismissal, the two men returned to their discussion, Chris laughing as he talked about some of his other whores that had gotten addicted to the toxic stuff.  
          “His name is Heero Yuy,” Duo blurted out. Everything in the apartment became still. Suddenly, Wes stood, his chair clattering to the floor and making Duo flinch.  
          “You stupid bitch, you’ve been friends with Heero Yuy and you never told me?! If I had known that…” Wes ran a hand through his hair and Duo could see the bright, greedy anxiety in his stony eyes. That look made him feel cold and sick.  
          “Alright, here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to spend the weekend with you’re little friend, seduce him, get him into bed, whatever it takes, get some dirt on the guy, take photos if you have to, then we’ll take him for everything he’s got. Him and that bull mother of his. You know the deal.”  
          Duo felt his chest clench and bile churned in his throat. Seduce Heero? No… anything but that… he couldn’t do it, not for any reason. Heero wasn’t a fucking john, he was his best friend! He deserved more than this shit…  
          Duo opened his mouth to protest, but was, shockingly beaten to the punch.  
          “Don’t be an idiot,” Chris growled. Duo looked at him with wide eyes, “You know what happened to the last moron who crossed paths with Name Yuy?”  
          Wes looked at his partner intently.  
          “He showed up the next day on the bank of a river, a bullet wound in his head.”  
          “Name would never do that!” Duo protested. Chris raised a dark brown eyebrow.  
          “That familiar with the bull, are we?” he asked with interest. Duo paled, realizing that he had just revealed most, if not all, of his cards. Wes already had quite a hold on him, but knowing how strongly he felt about the Yuy family, that was bad.  
          “Anyway, Name Yuy did not order the assassination of anyone. There is more than one company that profits from the Yuy’s power, including several governments. She didn’t have to order the hit, when it comes to the Yuy family, problems solve themselves.”  
          Wes straightened his chair and sat back down, his eyes trained on Duo in look of angry betrayal and eager opportunity. If there was one thing that Wes loved, it was angles and his ‘son’ being friends with a billionaire was the biggest one yet.  
          “Then what do we do?”  
          Chris’ light green eyes fell on Duo.  
          “Let him spend as much time with Heero as he can. Sooner or later, something will happen, something safe for us to pursue, then we’ll strike. But, for now, it’s best to lay low.”  
          Duo wrapped his arms around his legs. He had gotten what he wanted; he could spend time with Heero without getting the crap beaten out of him for it, so why did he feel so wrong about it?  
   
   
          By the time the morning came, Duo’s cough had gotten worse, but considering how cold and dry the night had been, he wasn’t surprised. He quickly packed his duffle with extra clothes and a toothbrush. It had been embarrassing last week to have to ask for a toothbrush since it was one of the few things he didn’t carry around with him. Wes and Chris were gone, trying to score ingredients to make KL6 from some guy that Chris knew. Duo didn’t care to know anymore than that. He thought that Wes had told him more, but he couldn’t remember it. He searched through his closet for some left over cat food he had bought a few days ago and left the apartment to feed his cats.  
          Shiva and Sammy were the first to greet him, twining around his legs and purring for his attention. The five nameless cats ate the food and left, not yet used to humans to play with him, but still weren’t the feral beasts they had been when they had first met. Even Tobby, though a tom, was used to him. They had an understanding. They were both streetwise and scarred and Tobby was his poppa cat. He took care of the little ones like Patches, Shiva, and Sammy and made sure that they were safe when Duo wasn’t around. He always ate last and watched Duo carefully, not out of wariness, but as though he was making sure that Duo was ok. It wouldn’t be the first time that Duo had approached him hurt and sick. He played with the seven of them for a few minutes, then headed to school, walking slowly so he didn’t breath in cold air too quickly.  
   
           
   
          Heero winced as Duo coughed again, a wet, harsh sound. His friend didn’t look well, of course, he never looked well, but other the last few days, it was obvious that he was coming down with a cold or flu. He looked flushed, more tired than he usually did, and then there was the coughing, which just looked painful, especially when Duo fell to a fit.  
          “Are you alright?” Heero asked in concern. Duo nodded.  
          “I’m just coming down with someone, but it’s ok. I’m sure that you’re mom will nurse me back to health,” Duo said cheekily. Heero rolled his eyes.  
          “Yeah, I’m sure that she’ll love to. I haven’t had a cold since I was nine.”  
          Duo raised an eyebrow at him.  
          “You’re immunity is unnatural, you do know that, don’t you?”  
          Heero just snorted. Duo coughed again, submerging into a fit. Heero patted his back lightly until he stopped.  
          “Are you sure I can’t get you a glass of water?”  
          Duo shook his head.  
          “I’m fine,” he said with a smile, but Heero could hear how raspy his voice was and how it pained him to swallow.  
   
          Heero became more worried in Science. When Duo started to cough more violently, no one except Heero and Une paid him any attention, but he soon got things under control. Une handed out their weekend assignments and paired them up for presentations on different chapters of the text. Thankfully, Duo and Heero were paired with each other and Heero didn’t feel annoyed by the weekend homework. At the end of class, Duo was still sitting at his desk as everyone else left, the assignment in his hand, but he was looking out the window.  
          “This assignment should be easy,” Heero said, “we can get it done tomorrow night, tomorrow I want to take you to the movies and there’s this pizza place I think you’d really like.”  
          Duo looked up at him, puzzled.  
          “What assignment?” he asked, clearly confused. Heero blinked at him.  
          “The assignment that Une just gave us, the one that’s due Monday,” Heero said, looking just as confused. Duo’s brow furrowed as he thought. What assignment? He didn’t remember…  
          “Oh!” Duo said in what he hoped was recognition, “That assignment, yeah, it’ll be easy.” He had forgotten again and now Heero was suspicious. He really needed to stop phasing out like that. He wondered if he had some sort of ADD. It wasn’t like dissociative disorder or amnesia, he just had trouble remembering some things.  
          “Duo, are you ok?” Heero asked, concerned about his friend. He hadn’t heard of colds causing memory loss, but he supposed that Duo was fatigued enough to just not pay attention, but it was still scary how Duo had no recognition of what Une had been talking about most of the class.  
          “Yeah,” Duo smiled, “I just zoned out a little, but I’m fine.”  
          Heero wasn’t convinced.  
   
          By lunch, it became obvious to Heero that Duo was coming down with something more than a little cold. He was coughing more frequently than the last couple of days and when Heero brought him his lunch, he looked paper white, and he didn’t eat anything, just sipping at the orange juice Heero had gotten him.  
          “Aren’t you hungry?” Heero asked. Duo shook his head.  
          “No appetite,” he murmured. Any concerns that Heero was going to voice was halted as someone walked up to their table.  
          “Duo Maxwell?” Wufei asked anxiously. Duo looked up at him, annoyed. He felt like crap, his chest tight, his throat dry, and his head was pounding, not to mention the constant pain in his side. Right now he just wanted to curl up and go to sleep.  
          “What?” he snapped. Wufei paused, realizing that his presence wasn’t welcome by either boys. He bowed deeply in a gesture of respect.  
          “I would consider myself blessed if you would have dinner with me this weekend,” he said.  
          “Beat it,” Duo said with a wave of his hand. Wufei fidgeted.  
          “Please,” he begged, “you know how I feel about you, won’t you give me a chance to be your boyfriend?”  
          “And you know how _I_ feel. Stop pestering us. Until you can prove to me that you’re interested in friendship instead of feeling me up like some ditzy school girl, you can forget us hanging out,” Duo dismissed him. Wufei’s face turned red.  
          “I just want to prove my feelings for you,” he insisted, “how can I do that if you won’t give me a chance?”  
          Duo leaned his head on his hand, stifling a cough.  
          “I don’t want you to prove your feelings to me, I just want you to leave me alone, or, if you still want to be in my life, you can try to be my friend, but I suggest that you stop with this stupidity. Why should I like someone just because they like me? That’s idiotic.”  
          “Beat it,” Heero repeated Duo’s words, watching with satisfaction as Wufei shuffled off, defeated for today at least. But, that only made him feel good for a little while as he realized that he had no real plan to deal with his rival. All he could do was hope that sooner or later Wufei would get the hint and give up. He shouldn’t have felt threatened by the Chinese boy, in reality, Wufei had no hope, but those feelings were still there. He wondered if Wufei had a plan or if these weak attempts were his ‘plan’. If so, Heero had nothing to worry about, but worry he did.  
   
          “Duo!” Name cried out happily as Duo and Heero walked through the door. Heero rolled his eyes as his best friend and mother hugged each other tightly. It amazed him that, the first time they had met, his mother had seemed so cold to him, but now she constantly asked him ‘how is Duo doing’ and ‘when is that friend of yours visiting again’. He was glad, but it was still strange. He thought that his mother liked Duo because of her maternal instinct and Duo exuded vulnerability, but his inner strength spoke to the same strength that she had. He also thought that Duo desperately wanted someone like his mother in his life. If Duo didn’t have a mother, he probably loved how protective and mothering Name was. Their relationship was strange, sometimes strained because of Duo’s position as Heero’s friend and his ability to hurt Heero, if he wanted, but mostly soft and loving due to Duo’s odd child-like qualities and the sadness in his eyes. Not to mention how glad she was that Heero had a more down to earth friend that he was in constant contact with. His other friends, though they were close, they rarely saw each other.  
          “Duo’s staying the weekend,” Heero explained. Name’s face lit up.  
          “Oh, you have to meet Heero’s other friends!”  
          Heero stared at her.  
          “Mom, what are you talking about?”  
          Duo, on the other hand, only seemed curious.  
          “I didn’t know that Heero had any other friends in America.”  
          “Oh, he doesn’t,” Name clarified, “he has two friends, but they live in Italy and he doesn’t see them much. Heero doesn’t make friends easily, he’s too damn stubborn and picky!”  
          “I’m right here!” Heero yelled.  
          “Hadrat Heero (1)!” a light voice cried joyously. A blonde boy ran down the hall and nearly tackled Heero, wrapping his arms around him tightly and speaking quickly in what Duo assumed was some middle Eastern language. He had felt so happy entering the Yuy household once more. Name had made him feel at home the second he had seen her. This _was_ his home, he decided. It was the only place where he felt safe and loved. But, this just made jealousy, hot and thick, bubble inside of him (2). Then, he saw Heero roll his eyes, but still smile, and realized what was going on.  
          “Quatre-san, you’re going to choke the life out of me,” the Japanese boy joked. The blonde boy named Quatre smacked Heero playfully on the back of his head.  
          “I know you and your mother live in America now, but that’s no reason to not e-mail every now and then!” Quatre scolded. He was short, blonde, and very pale with sea green eyes. He was very cute, almost pretty, Duo thought. He had used a word that Duo hadn’t understood to address Heero, but he looked oddly European and, like the Yuy’s, he spoke perfect English. Duo studied the boy and Heero’s expression. This was one of Heero’s mysterious other friends, but ‘friends’ meant other things. But, he didn’t see anything besides friendship between the two. As a whore, it was part of his job to pick up on signals from johns. If there was something that he was doing that didn’t interest the man, he had to change tactics. He saw no attraction between the two of them and relaxed. He told himself that it didn’t matter, Heero was way out of his league and it didn’t matter if he liked this boy or not, he didn’t have a chance with him, but it still made him feel better that there was nothing there.  
          “Oh, my God, is this Duo?!” the energetic blonde explained and suddenly, it was Duo who was being hugged to death.  
          “Uh, hi?” Duo managed to squeak out, confused. Blue-green eyes searched his face and Duo felt like his very soul was being examined, making him blush. Quatre suddenly smiled.  
          “Name has told me all about you and I have to admit, I’m very glad that Heero has found something to be so happy about here. He was so miserable in England, I thought that it would be the same here, we both did.”  
          Heero sighed in exasperation and rolled his eyes.  
          “Please tell me that you didn’t drag Trowa here, too, and please stop squeezing Duo like that.”  
          Quatre sheepishly let go of Duo who looked very confused.  
          “He’s upstairs making up the bed,” Quatre admitted.  
          “Quatre and Trowa are my friends from Italy,” Heero explained, “what they are doing here, I don’t know,” he glared at his mother who looked significantly less guilty than his blonde friend did, “sorry, Quatre, put this is kind of out of the blue.”  
          Quatre shrugged.  
          “I’m the one who’s sorry, Trowa and I had planned to visit you when we heard that you were moving away from England, we should have called, but we had hoped to surprise you, so… surprise!” Quatre said with a bright smile. Duo smiled back. He was slightly overwhelmed by the boy, but he had a sunny disposition that made Duo feel relaxed. He reminded him of an orphan he had met when he was six. The boy had been only a year younger, but unlike Duo, he was new to the streets. His name was Brendan, but they had all called him Sunshine because of his strawberry blonde hair and brilliant smile. No matter how hungry or dirt he was, he was always smiling. Duo had been there the day that he had died. He had been looking through some broken crates for scraps of food, old wrappers, anything to take the pain out of his hunger. Two men had dragged the boy into the alley and Duo had hid among the clutter, watching, terrified of being found out. He watched as they raped him and slit his throat. He had watched as Sunshine screamed until his bright blue eyes met Duo’s through the slits of the broken wood and he had stopped screaming. Those eyes had held his own as though his sanity depended on it until the light in them had gone out. Duo had refused to look away. And yet, Sunshine had not screamed for him to save him. Instead, he had smiled at him, that same beautiful smile, and Duo knew that he wouldn’t give away his position. He had died smiling. That haunted him sometimes, that and those big blue eyes, the wet sounds of sex and blood, the smell of death and semen. He dreamed of Sunshine sometimes, though sometimes it was himself and not Sunshine that was dead and staring. Quatre’s eyes and smile were the same. That sort of innocence didn’t last long, though, Duo had witnessed that first hand. His innocence, if he had had any, hadn’t lasted very long, either. Seven years… compared to that, Quatre was ancient. Sometimes he felt like everything, his life, his world, time as he knew it, had stopped at that moment seven years ago. He knew that was stupid. In reality, he had accomplished more after that moment than any before it. He didn’t think that he would have gone to school if that hadn’t happened. He wasn’t a child, he knew that logically, but sometimes he felt that he was still seven years old, digging through dumpsters just for a scrap of nourishment.  
          “I’m Duo Maxwell, but you probably already know that…” Duo said, breaking out of his dark memories. Quatre grabbed his hand and shook it while Heero continued with his long suffering look, his mother looking amused at his expense.  
          “I’m Quatre Winner.”  
          Duo’s eyes widened as he recognized his last name. It couldn’t be _that_ Winner, right? But then again, this was Heero’s friend…  
          Quatre laughed, a sound as bright as his smile.  
          “Yes, I’m the son of the tycoon from Arabia. The Yuy’s and the Winner’s are affiliated with each other and Heero and I met when his mother and my father were forming allegiances. We were just little kids back then, but we became fast friends.”  
          Duo listened in amazement. So much power and money in one room… and just where did he fit in with all of this? If Quatre was so powerful, what was his other friend, Trowa, like? Heero saw Duo’s look and smirked.  
          “Trowa’s Quatre’s boyfriend,” he said, “I only met him three years ago, but he’s a nice guy, you’d like him, Duo.”  
          That surprised Duo more than any admission to wealth and prestige.  
          “Your father knows about that?” he asked Quatre. Name watched all of this with interest. She had known that Quatre had a boyfriend, but she had never heard what had happened with his father, or even if he knew about his son’s sexuality.  
          “My father found out four months after we started dating. It wasn’t something that we wanted to keep a secret. I didn’t want to make a fool out of my father by pulling the wool over his eyes, but mostly I didn’t want Trowa to think that I thought our relationship was wrong. My father threatened me with disownment and Trowa with blackmail, but I refused to stop seeing him. Father is still a bit… cold towards us, but I think he’s realized that by throwing me away, the scandal would not only tear apart our family, but the company as well,” Quatre looked at Name, “The Yuy Corporation has made it clear that any employees or partners discriminating against each other using prejudice, including sexual orientation, will be terminated. My father is a big partner, but even he is under Yuy rule. Casting out his only son because of his homosexuality wouldn’t sit well with the Yuy family.”  
          Name frowned.  
          “No, it certainly would not. I may not have been able to terminate your father for doing that to you, but as the leader of the company, I could stop doing business with him. It saddens me that the only reason why he is tolerating you and Trowa is because of me, but is that what _you_ want, Quatre?”  
          Quatre smiled, but it was a little sad.  
          “One day, I hope to control the Winner Enterprise and make it a more liberal base, instead of clinging to the conservative ideals as my father does, but for now, I am content to bear my father’s scorn in order to have Trowa’s love.”  
          Name nodded.  
          “You’re a bigger man than you’re father, Quatre,” she turned to Duo, “Duo, honey, why don’t you put your bag in Heero’s room. Unless you want to take one of the other rooms? Quatre and Trowa are taking one of the guest rooms, too.”  
          Duo shook his head.  
          “No, I like sleeping in Heero’s room,” he blushed, “I mean, I’m the guest, it’s kind of proper ‘sleeping over’ etiquette, right?”  
          Name smiled at him.  
          “Alright, I’m sure you know the way. Heero, why don’t you and Quatre help me choose something for dinner that you’ll all like. Duo knows his way around the house,” she said, leading Quatre away. Heero smiled at Duo and the violet eyed boy knew that he and Heero were safe. His other friends might be here, but that didn’t mean that he was going to be swept under the rug. He walked up the long stairs to Heero’s bedroom, dropping his bag there and walked back to the kitchen, but when he got there, he bumped into someone he didn’t know. Heero, Quatre, and Name were making some sort of noodle dish and the strange man was watching. He was tall, not quite as tall as Wes and Chris, but tall enough to make Duo instantly nervous of him.  
          “Hm?” the stranger asked and turned, looking down at Duo with green eyes. For an odd moment, Duo thought that he was looking at Chris as a young boy, but the next second, he realized that the boy’s features and hair were all wrong, Chris had darker hair than him anyway.  
          “Oh, Duo, this is Trowa!” Quatre exclaimed.  
          “H-hi,” Duo stammered. Quatre watched his reaction with curiosity. There was something about the boy. He looked so sad and mature, but he also had a strange childish about him that made him seem vulnerable. Worst of all, Quatre had only known him all of five minutes, but he knew that Duo was hiding something. Despite that, he could also tell that Duo would do absolutely nothing to hurt Heero. He looked at him the same way Quatre looked at Trowa, though Quatre would never tell Heero that. He knew that Heero was very good friends with the boy, but wasn’t entirely sure that he _liked_ him and refused to be the one to screw up their relationship. All he knew was that when he had bumped into Trowa, his sweet, kind, and gentle Trowa, he had acted so wounded, as though Trowa had slapped him. It was disturbing and wrong and Quatre yearned to find out why he had reacted like that. No, Duo Maxwell didn’t have it in him to hurt Heero.  
          “So, what prestigious family are you from?” Duo asked Trowa and they could all hear the slight bitterness and fear in his voice. Trowa smiled and Duo could see how wrong he was, this boy was more like his Tobby than Chris, a little bit cautious and tough, but still a good person.  
          “I’m nobody (3),” Trowa answered and Quatre winced. It taken a long time to convince Trowa that he was somebody important. Just because he didn’t carry a huge name like ‘Winner’ didn’t mean that he was nobody.  
          “I’m nobody, too,” Duo said softly. Trowa got a strange twinkle in his eye, accompanied by a look of deep sadness and a wave of protectiveness towards the smaller boy.  
          “Well, that’s terrible, we had better keep that a secret or they’ll throw us out of the house,” Trowa replied in good spirits. Duo stared at him with wide eyes, then, to Name, Heero, and Quatre’s confusion, started to laugh hysterically, coughing and grabbing his stomach to try and keep his laughter contained to no use.  
          “But that’s so boring!” he said between laughter, “We should shout it to the world!” he exclaimed, laughing harder. Trowa grinned. Oh, he liked this boy. He was a bit more down to Earth than Quatre. He loved the blonde boy, but he didn’t seem to realize how daunting it was being in love with a Winner. His laughter reminded Trowa of his lover’s, clear, beautiful, and wondrous. Few laughed so openly, so truthfully like that.  
          “Are you insane?” Heero asked incredulously. He had only seen Duo laugh a handful of times, but he treasured it each time. Name watched Duo carefully, as she always did. His expressions were usually so guarded, like he was afraid of showing his emotions. No one should have to live that way, especially not someone so young. But, his laughter reminded her of a child’s. Then there was his playing with Trowa, not many would have caught on to it like that. Not for the first time, she wondered what his home life was like, if he was being abused or if his father was just a moron. Of course, in her opinion, if Duo’s father was abusing him, he was a moron anyway.  
          She rolled her eyes.  
          “Emily Dickinson, very amusing,” she said. Duo gave her a sheepish look. He gave Trowa another peak as they joined the other three to help make dinner. He had called himself a ‘nobody’, but had that all been a joke? No, he didn’t think so. Trowa was normal, like him, at least money wise, he knew that instinctively. He liked him and Quatre, not the way he liked Heero, but he did like them. They seemed like a cute couple, the small and sweet blonde and the tall but quiet Italian (4). He wondered what Solo would think if he told him about his new friends. He helped Name set the large, dark dining room table.  
          ‘Get close to them and find something that we can use,’ he heard Chris’ voice echo in his head and shuddered. Never… he would never do anything to hurt the Yuy’s!  
   
          The project was as easy as Heero had said and they finished it quickly. Duo was still annoyed with himself that he couldn’t remember anything Une had said about it, but he was able to figure most of it out with the worksheet and Heero filled in the rest. They were a good team with Duo’s artistic flare and Heero’s analytical skills, the end result was both creative and informative. Duo had forgotten how nice it was working with another person. In Middle School, his teachers had forced him and his classmates to pair up, but now he was usually the odd man out, at least until Heero had come along. It was late at night when they finished, but not late enough for Heero to go to sleep. In between the sex with Wes and Chris and his sickness, Duo was tired, but tried hard not to let Heero see that. Once their work was done, they collected snacks from the kitchen and set up Duo’s bed in Heero’s room.  
          “Are you sure you don’t need any help?” Duo asked, dressed in his pajamas; shorts and a blue t-shirt. He was fresh from the shower, his hair neatly combed and braided, sitting Indian style on Heero’s bed.  
          “Almost done,” Heero said, setting up Duo’s bed on the floor. As Duo shifted, Heero’s traitorous eyes moved to Duo’s pale, bare thighs. They were perfect, the skin creamy and shapely, the only imperfections were a few patches of what looked like circular discolorations poking out from the shorts, but Heero couldn’t get a good look on him. Heero turned away sharply as his face began to grow hot and his heart pounded. It was too much… he had been attracted to men before, but this was different, it was so intense. He wanted to have sex with Duo, but at the same time, he wanted to protect him. His feelings were conflicting with each other and his arousal towards the boy felt like it would drive him insane, but he couldn’t do anything about it. Sure, he could force Duo into it, maybe seduce him or something cheap like that, but what would be the point? If he didn’t have Duo, all of him, even his love, there was no point in getting into any sort of relationship with him. He wanted to love Duo, not just fuck him, he deserved more than that.  
          He felt bad about not paying as much attention to Quatre and Trowa as he did Duo, especially since he hadn’t seen them in years, but they didn’t seem to mind. He vowed that he would spend some time with them after Duo left on Sunday, but for now, Duo was his first priority and he always would be. Quatre and Trowa, for some reason that Heero couldn’t understand, they were staying in America indefinitely. Heero wanted to be annoyed with them, but it was good to see them and Duo seemed to like them, too, so he wasn’t too bothered.  
          He put a DVD in the player and joined Duo on the bed. He blushed as he felt Duo’s arm press against his, but kept his eyes glued to the screen. As the movie rolled, Heero heard Duo cough tiredly every now and then. He had done well through dinner, but Heero knew that Duo had been suffering, only hiding his coughing and fatigue from his mother and guests. It wasn’t long before Heero felt Duo’s head resting against his arm, his body slumping against his side. Heero looked down at him and smiled. The boy was fast asleep, his breath still wheezy and light, almost like he was choking. Heero brushed Duo’s long bangs from his face and studied his face. He was much more relaxed in sleep, but he had bags under his eyes and looked even thinner close up. Heero slowly moved Duo into his arms, alarmed when he lifted him up and found that he didn’t just _look_ thin. Duo didn’t stir as Heero tucked him into bed and turned off the TV. Heero slipped into his own bed, turning off the lights. He felt tired, but he didn’t feel like sleeping either. Thoughts swirled in his head, Duo’s thinness, his sickness, his absent father, the torn clothes, and the guarded looks… his thoughts were burning and he spent hours staring up at the ceiling and unable to stop thinking.  
   
   
          “It was great!” Duo exclaimed, “I didn’t realize you could do that with computers! And the acting was so good, I forgot that that guy was an actor at all! And that ending… it was so intense!” Duo said gleefully, walking as though he was on air as he and Heero walked to the pizza place Heero had promised him after the movie. Heero smiled brightly at him, watching every happy expression on his best friend’s face.  
          “You act like you’ve never seen a movie before,” Heero joked. Duo froze, but quickly recovered.  
          “I don’t get out much. Movies are too expensive anyway.”  
          “It’s worse in England,” Heero mentioned, but filed away what Duo said for later speculation. It made sense that Duo wouldn’t see many movies. It was ten bucks a movie and Duo didn’t even have the money to buy lunch, plus he didn’t have any friends. No, that wasn’t true, he had at least one, and if he read Quatre and Trowa like he always had, Duo now had three. Duo’s excitement during the film had been like a small child discovering a new toy. It was clear to Heero that Duo Maxwell had never seen the inside of a movie theater until today and he didn’t know why, but it was disturbing. Two weeks ago, he would have said that there was no teenager alive that hadn’t gone to the movies at least once, but things were different now. He was just glad that he could give Duo something this little that made him this happy. A movie and now dinner… if he pretended hard enough, he could trick his mind into thinking he was on a _real_ date. But, he knew that when Sunday came, Duo would be leaving again and he couldn’t pretend anymore.  
   
          That night saw Heero wide awake again, thinking about Duo and all the questions that he wanted to ask him, but didn’t dare. He got sick of staring up at the same exact ceiling and rolled out of bed, careful not to wake Duo, and walked downstairs.  
          Trowa and Quatre were sleeping on the couch, the TV still on. Heero turned it off and walked to the kitchen. Trowa and Quatre had done a lot to make Duo feel at home, here, even if it wasn’t necessary at this point. He was friends with Quatre for that very reason, the blonde had always acted almost oblivious to his status around his friends. When he was with Quatre, he felt like he was like anyone else. Quatre’s mother had been young French woman that had given him all of his looks, even his slight height and had died given birth to him. Heero didn’t know what Quatre’s father hated more, that Quatre’s looks made him look more girlish than the Winner heir should or that he looked like his late wife. He didn’t know much about Trowa, only that he and Quatre had met in Italy, fallen in love, and had been dating ever since. He also knew that Trowa had a sister that he never saw and a past that was shrouded in mystery. Just like Duo, only not as cute in Heero’s opinion. He got himself a glass of water and sat down at the kitchen table. He thought about fixing himself something stronger, the water making him feel like he was five years old again, but decided against it. He heard the light pattering of feet walking into the kitchen and sighed.  
          “What are you doing up?” Quatre asked with a yawn. Heero looked back at him with baleful eyes.  
          “You’re supposed to be asleep, too,” he retorted.  
          “You woke me up,” Quatre accused, running a hand through his golden locks. Heero couldn’t help but smirk. Even at seventeen, the boy acted like a little kid at times, but Heero knew that he wasn’t as innocent as he seemed. He had seen Quatre Raberba Winner angry and there had been nothing ‘innocent’ about him then.  
          “Sorry,” Heero apologized. Quatre studied him.  
          “You’re so different now,” he murmured. Heero raised an eyebrow at him.  
          “I’m the same person I’ve always been,” he said, slightly offended. Quatre shook his head.  
          “It’s true, you’re still the stubborn bastard you’ve always been, but that self righteous attitude of yours has disappeared. I’ve noticed that you haven’t attacked a single person or teacher, verbally or physically. As far as Trowa and I could find, you haven’t done a single thing that’s reminiscent of your past behavior. Something’s changed in you and I think Duo has something to do with it,” Quatre said, his soft blue eyes intense and focused, reminding Heero of an expert interrogator or the business man that he was destined to be. He shrugged.  
          “I like Duo, he’s mature, down to earth, and I know that you two like him as well. He makes things… interesting.”  
          “Is that the best you can do? Say that he’s alleviating your boredom? That may be true, but there’s something deeper going on here and you know it! You think you’re such a badass, Yuy, but don’t you forget, I’ve known you since you were a kid and I know that you weren’t always like that! Before your father died, you were still stubborn and annoying, but you’d never think of bullying a fellow student or making trouble for a teacher. Now, you’ve changed again and you’re friends with a boy that you wouldn’t have paid attention to a month ago.”  
          Heero’s hand curled into a fist.  
          “Just shut up, Quatre,” he growled, “you don’t know anything.”  
          His father had nothing to do with it and just the mere suggestion pissed him off, but he just stared down into his water glass.  
          “Heero,” Quatre’s eyes turned soft and sad, “the best thing that I ever did was tell Trowa that I loved him.”  
          Heero uncurled his hand and looked up at his friend.  
          “And what is that supposed to mean?” he demanded. Quatre smiled.  
          “No meanings, just information. Night, Heero!” Quatre said overly cheerful. Heero rolled his eyes as the blonde left the kitchen to rejoin his boyfriend. He knew that he had changed and that it was Duo’s fault, but that didn’t mean that Quatre could play matchmaker with him and his best friend. He wouldn’t allow it.  
   
          Heero was woken up again, early Sunday morning by the sound of Duo coughing. It sounded wetter and harsher than usual and, for a brief second, he thought that the boy was dying. Then, some of the fog over his sleepy brain cleared and he listened carefully to the coughing until it stopped and Duo grunted, rolling over in his sleep. The small scare left his heart pounding and he slipped out of bed, heading for the shower. Duo was leaving today, not until later tonight, but still, it made his heart hurt. Tonight when he went to bed would be the hardest. Only after two days, he had become used to having Duo sleeping in his room, just like last weekend, and he would have a hard time falling asleep without him.  
   
          Duo, too, was woken up by his coughing, but a few hours after Heero. For a few seconds, he struggled for breath through the coughs, rolling off of his stomach in hopes the lack of pressure on his chest would alleviate them. His mouth, which had felt dry when he had been rudely awoken, suddenly felt wet and tasted funny. When the coughing fit stopped, his body relaxed and he pressed his face against the pillow. His stomach and chest hurt from all of the coughing, but his nose wasn’t bothering him, so he didn’t think it was a cold, at least, it didn’t feel like one. With a frantic, almost crying whine of frustration, he realized that he was lying on his bad side, which was starting to hurt badly with the pressure on it, and rolled onto the other. He was getting so sick of this! He wanted to just go back to sleep for the rest of his pitiful life and forget how much pain he was in day in and day out. But, sleep wasn’t helping the pain or how sick he felt. He felt woozy, his head heavy and strange, like it was stuffed with cotton. He sighed. There was no way he was going to sleep now, that was for sure. He carefully stood, mindful of his side, and noticed that Heero was already gone, his bed neatly made. Duo smiled when he realized that Heero had let him sleep, but his smile disappeared when he saw the spots of blood on the pillow. He panicked, stuffing the pillow case into his duffle bag. He couldn’t risk Name or Heero seeing it and realizing that something was wrong. He couldn’t risk trying to wash it in the Yuy house, either. He doubted that it would be missed. He zipped up the duffle bag with a shaky hand and washed out his mouth in the bathroom, watching the pinkish water disappearing down the drain. He should have felt fear at seeing the blood, but he was used to knowing that his body wasn’t healthy. He dressed and left the sanctuary of the bedroom. As he made it to the stairs, the intoxicating smell of bacon hit him and he followed it, his stomach reminding him that he was in a good place and he didn’t have to beg or whore for the smallest bit of food. Then, he remembered what day it was and depression hit him. If he was a child, he would have thrown a temper tantrum, grabbed the walls, anything to make sure that he couldn’t leave. But, he wasn’t a child and the weekend was over. At least he didn’t have to leave right away like last time, Wes had told him he could be back Sunday night. But, that was still only hours away and far too soon.  
   
   
          “So, you like the kid, huh?” Trowa asked as he, Heero, and Quatre made breakfast. It should have only taken one of them as Trowa and Quatre wanted omelets, but Heero insisted on making waffles and bacon for Duo, since he had liked them so much last Sunday. Heero seemed to ignore the question as he turned the bacon on the skillet.  
          “I don’t see how that is any of your business,” he finally answered.  
          “I just think that he’ll be good for you. The only other people you’ve really _dated_ was that annoying British girl and the French girl, both that you were supposed to marry, both blonde and vapid. This one’s a bit more up your alley.”  
          Heero snorted.  
          “ ‘That annoying British girl’ used to be my best friend, if you recall.”  
          “Until she started stalking you,” Trowa reminded him. Heero frowned.  
          “I wish I had known that she was like that or I wouldn’t have wasted my time thinking that she was a good friend.”  
          Trowa finished with the eggs and patted Heero on the shoulder.  
          “You had a choice between a stalker and a poodle and you chose neither. Neither was your intellectual equal. That French girl was always looking at you with stars in her eyes and trying to get ‘treats’ from you like a bloody dog. The other was obsessed and couldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Not much of a choice.”  
          “What ever did happen to Relena anyway?” Quatre interrupted from where he was cutting fruit.  
          “My mother found out that her father was stealing money from us and severed the partnership,” Heero said, “I haven’t heard from her or her family since.”  
          “That’s right,” Quatre remembered, “I heard something awhile back about the violation of his contract and because of that, he and his wife divorced. It was really bitter, she didn’t have a penny to her name and was desperate to get something out of him, but in the end, all she got was her son. You’d think with a name like ‘Merquise’ she came from an affluent European family, I mean, since there are a lot of wealthy Merquise’s in that area, but I guess not.”  
          Heero froze.  
          “Relena’s mother’s maiden name was Merquise?” he asked, his voice icy. Quatre nodded.  
          “Didn’t you know that?”  
          Heero’s mind was reeling with that new information. That was why he thought that he had known Zechs from somewhere. He was that bitch’s older brother. Of course, they had never been formally introduced, but he had seen him a couple of times. Why was it so perfect that the person who was bullying Duo was also Relena Peacecraft’s big brother? Somehow it just fit. He shook it off.  
          “None of that matters. I’ve severed ties with both of them. And who I love is no one’s business but my own.”  
          Trowa looked at him with cool green eyes.  
          “In other words, you’re too chicken shit to tell him?”  
          “Tell who?” a sleepy voice asked from the kitchen door, making all three guilty parties freeze. Duo looked curious about what they were talking about, but not suspicious.  
          “No one and I’m not chicken shit,” Heero gave Trowa and Quatre an angry look. Duo seemed to accept that.  
          “Ooooh, waffles!” he cheered.  
          “Keep it down in there!” Name called playfully from the family room. The four of them shared a grin at Heero’s mother’s expense and sat down to eat.  
   
          “Well?” Wes asked as Duo walked into the apartment.  
          “I have nothing to tell you,” Duo murmured. “We hung out, watched some movies, went to dinner once, that’s all.”  
          Wes’ cold eyes bore into him.  
          “You’re hiding something from me,” he stood from his place at the kitchen table. Duo flinched, though Wes was currently too far away to do anything to him. But, he staid still long enough for the taller man to walk up to him and grip his chin, forcing Duo to look him in the eye.  
          “What aren’t you telling me?” he demanded, grabbing Duo’s arm hard enough to bruise.  
          “Nothing,” Duo insisted, “we just hung out. His family is normal from what I could see.”  
          Wes searched Duo’s face long enough to make him feel uncomfortable and start to squirm.  
          “Fine, but if I find out you’re hiding something from me, you know what will happen to you,” he released Duo’s head. Duo nodded.  
          “Now, on the chair,” Wes ordered, taking off his tie and belt. Duo’s hand curled into a fist, but he did as he was told, sitting in the wooden chair that was still warm from Wes sitting in it. His hands shook, but he gripped the arms, keeping them still for Wes to tie them down, the red tie for his right and the heavy, black leather belt for his left. He tried as hard as he could to control his breathing as he watched Wes unzip his slacks and take out his cock, already hard and ready, but then, with Wes, he was always ready. He squeezed his eyes shut as the blonde yanked down his own jeans, grabbing both of his thighs and forced his legs up and spread, settling his larger body between them. He felt so fragile and small compared to his guardian, especially pressed together like this. He gritted his teeth as Wes thrust inside of him. Hot wetness ripped through him and he could feel a little bit of blood drip down his buttocks. Using his grip on Duo’s legs as leverage, Wes thrust inside of his tight body. Duo could feel his hot breath on his neck and heard his grunts as Wes molded his body to his, bearing down on him with his greater weight. Duo waited for him to finish, trying not to focus too much on the feeling of Wes’ length inside of him. The blonde man’s grip on his legs was tight and he knew that it would leave bruises. Wes’ thrust sped up and Duo knew that he was close. Coughs built up in his chest from the pressure of the gray eyed man’s weight and he fought them down.  
          Duo cried out as thick wetness filled him and Wes’ teeth sunk into his shoulder. Warm blood dripped down his chest from the bite and his shoulder flared in pain. Wes collapsed against him for a few seconds before picking himself up and out of Duo.  
          Duo’s eyes widened as he felt Wes’ hand on his limp cock stroking him.  
          “Please, don’t,” he begged.  
          “Shh,” Wes cooed, his fingers of his other hand stroking the boy’s balls. Duo whimpered, feeling his cock harden at the attention.  
          “Please, I don’t want this…”  
          Wes ignored Duo’s pleas, watching his face as he stroked him. Duo squeezed his eyes shut again, curling his hands and cutting at his palms with his nails, trying to get the pain to make the unwanted erection to go away, but it didn’t. His thigh muscles tightened and he felt his orgasm rip through him, yelping in shock as cum splattered against his stomach.  
          Wes continued to watch Duo’s expression with an air of triumph. He untied Duo’s wrists, letting him stand on shaking legs.  
          “There, that wasn’t so hard, was it? I’m not the monster that you make me out to be.”  
          Duo stared up at him with hollow, tired eyes. He kneeled down on the floor, grabbing his jeans and walked away. Wes smirked as he watched him go.  
   
          Duo sat on his bed, looking down at his body, the bruises, his semen stained stomach, his limp member… his body had betrayed him, again. Rage and despair filled him. His own body, he didn’t even have control over his own fucking body! With a strangled cry of frustration, he beat at his thighs with his fists, not caring about the pain that shot up his legs. He screamed wordlessly, his anger dissolving into depression and he curled up onto the bed, tugging at his t-shirt, trying to use it to cover his legs, but it was too short. It was always too short. He sobbed as he laid there, his mind screaming.  
   
           
          Heero had seen Duo go smiling Sunday night, but by Monday morning, something had gone wrong. Duo always showed up at school before Heero; making Heero think that either the boy lived very close to the school or he hated being at home so much that he would take any excuse to get away. He hoped that it was the former. But, today he shown up only a few minutes before the bell. He waved at Heero, but there was a strange hollowness to his eyes. Heero hated it. He seemed quiet, reminding Heero of what he had been like when they had first met. Something had happened since he had last seen him and Heero wanted to know what.  
          Mondays were always busy for Heero and Duo and by the time third block, Gym, came around, they hadn’t had much time to talk, even in between classes. Duo disappeared into a bathroom while Heero changed into his gym uniform. He thought that he was changing in there, though Heero couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want to change with everyone else. He was about to leave to get him out of the bathroom when he heard a bunch of boys talking in the locker room. His own name caught his attention.  
          “I heard that that geek Maxwell was over his house again.”  
          “Shit, what a waste! Yuy’s the ice king, but he’s got some seriously gorgeous eyes.”  
          “Dude, I don’t need to hear that shit.”  
          “Shut up! What would a Yuy be doing with a gutter rat like that?”  
          “Heh, I bet he’s Heero’s fuck toy. I mean, Maxwell’s got a great ass and those eyes… if only he didn’t smell half the time. I mean, did you see what he looks like after spending time at Yuy’s house? A slut like that would be salivating at a chance at some quick cash.”  
          “That’s disgusting.”  
          “Maxwell’s pathetic scum, but he’s not a whore.”  
          “Oh, come on! No self respecting guy would have hair like that unless he was putting out.”  
          “Zechs has long hair.”  
          “Yeah, and so did his dad, that’s completely different, it’s a nobility thing. Lot of good it does him now…”  
          “Shut the fuck up!” Heero snarled, making himself known. The five boys turned pale and two of them ran off.  
          “H-Heero… look, man, we didn’t mean anything by it!” a redhead said, panicked.  
“You’re the one who’s pathetic,” Heero snapped, “you’re not worth half what Duo is, you piece of shit,” he turned to leave, noticing Chang running into the locker room with the two boys in tow, when the redhead threw one of the hockey sticks by the door at Heero’s head. Heero saw the move out of the corner of his eye and dodged it.  
“No fag calls me pathetic!” the boy screamed, lunging for Heero. Heero growled and punched him in the face. The boy went down like a puppet with the strings cut. The other two boys ran, screaming for a teacher. Heero stood over the boy, panting with anger. The boy’s brown eyes glared at him.  
“I’ll kill him, you hear me?! If you do anything to me, he’s history!” the boy screamed. Rage coiled in Heero like a living thing. No one threatened Duo…  
His fists flew, his only goal was to wipe the threat off the face of the earth. The boy screamed and boys grabbed at Heero, begging him to stop, but he through them off. Schbeiker ran in and made a go for him.  
“Yuy, stop it, you’re killing him!”  
          Heero ignored her, not hearing any of their pleas. Suddenly, someone else grabbed at his arm and he felt silken hair brush his arm.  
          “Heero, stop, please, it’s ok!” a very familiar, wanted voice pleaded.  
          _Duo_ , Heero’s mind supplied and he stopped. Heero slowly came back to himself and looked at the bloody, unconscious boy and shuddered. What had he done?  
   
          “Your mother’s here,” Treize told Heero as they sat in his office. Heero looked away from him.  
          “I told you that I had no tolerance for this behavior, but two weeks later and here you are. I have to say I’m disappointed.”  
          Heero didn’t respond. The door swung open and his mother walked in, her eyes cold with suppressed anger. Heero got a case of déjà vu but ignored it. Things were different this time.  
          Name sat next to Heero and looked at Treize.  
          “What’s going on?” she asked.  
          “Jeff Marcozy is in the hospital. Heero attacked him in the boy’s locker room. What I want to know is what happened, but your son isn’t cooperating.”  
          Name glared at Heero.  
          “What did you do?!” she hissed, “I thought we were over this crap!”  
          Heero gritted his teeth.  
          “I didn’t mean to do that,” he insisted. Name leaned in close to him.  
          “What happened, Heero?”  
          Heero sighed.  
          “I heard some boys talking about Duo.”  
          Treize’s interest piqued, he had known that Maxwell was involved since he was the one that had managed to talk Yuy down, but this was too much.  
          “They were calling him names… they said that he was a whore, that he was pathetic.”  
          Name clenched her hand into a fist. She was suddenly not so angry that this Jeff was in the hospital. She wasn’t an angry woman, but she wasn’t a pacifist, either, especially where her son and his friends were concerned.  
          “I told that boy to shut up. I said that he was the one who was pathetic. He attacked me, threw a stick at my head. He lunged at me, I punched him. Then…” Heero paused.  
          Treize frowned. It was true that Jeff Marcozy had a history of anger problems, but that still didn’t explain why Heero had brutalized him.  
          “What is it, Heero?” he asked. Heero looked at him in the eye and his expression almost made Treize shudder.  
          “He said that he was going to hurt Duo. I don’t remember what happened after that, I was just so angry… the next thing I knew, that boy was beaten and Duo was telling me to stop. That’s all there is.”  
          “Why should I believe you?” Treize asked, “Your record speaks for itself. This isn’t the first time that you’ve beaten someone, though it is the most brutal.”  
          Heero shrugged.  
          “I don’t care what you think. He’s in the hospital, so he can’t hurt Duo. That’s all that matters.”  
          Treize nodded. Name clenched at her top. Heero’s disciplinary record was a mile long. Before Alexei’s death, he had been the perfect child, well behaved, smart, and obedient. After, however, he became bitter and angry, bullying his classmates and undermining his teachers. This was the first time he had done violence to protect someone. She was angry that he had resorted to violence again, but at the same time, she couldn’t really be angry at Heero for reacting violently towards a threat to his best friend. She was too relieved that he had found someone that made him care so much. That was, of course, if he was telling the truth, something that Heero didn’t always do when he had been called to the principal’s office. If it was true… Heero had never done this for Trowa and Quatre. There was something deep between her son and Duo, she didn’t know what it was or even if it was a good thing, but she knew that it was there.  
          “Could you two wait outside?” Treize gestured to the door, “I have some students to interview about this incident, then I’ll make my decision.”  
          Heero wanted to protest that no one in this goddamn school would stick their necks out for Duo but him and, even if he was a Yuy, they wouldn’t put Marcozy in trouble for him, but he was just too tired. He had never done something like this before. He had beaten kids up for annoying him or talking back, but this sort of violence… it scared him that he was capable of such a thing. He knew that he would never hurt Duo, but he would do anything to protect him. Still, he was glad that the boy was in the hospital, he had attacked him and had threatened his best friend. The truth of the matter was that the first blow had been self defense and the rest he didn’t even remember. How could you stop from doing something when you had no control?  
          As Heero and Name sat down in the waiting room, Heero watched with wide eyes as Chang Wufei walked past and into Treize’s office, smirking as he saw Heero sitting there. Heero gritted his teeth as he saw him. Several minutes later, Wufei came out and quickly left.  
          “Heero,” Treize ushered him and his mother back into his office.  
           
          “Well?” Name asked impatiently, “You only had one witness?”  
          Treize nodded.  
          “Jeff’s friends claimed that it was your son’s fault, but considering that they couldn’t get some of their basic facts right, they weren’t reliable. Mister Chang, on the other hand, was.”  
          “What did he say?” Heero growled. Light and dark blue eyes met and clashed.  
          “This school’s stance on bullying and assault is very strict. Anyone threatening or harming another student will be suspended if it is a first offense or expelled if they have a history of violence like you do.”  
         _‘And yet a boy like Duo is bullied by scum like Merquise for years and nothing happens and now he’s back at school until he does something again,’_ Heero thought bitterly.  
          “For that reason, Jeff will be expelled.”  
          Heero looked at his principal in surprise.  
          “Is he ok?” he asked in curiosity, not care.  
          “The hospital says that he has a broken nose and two cracked ribs, but he’ll be fine.”  
          “Are you going to expel Heero?” Name asked. Treize sighed.  
          “Your son has to go to detention for two weeks, but I won’t expel him. His record is long, but Chang backed up his story. Heero was assaulted and his friend was threatened. That doesn’t excuse his violence, but he didn’t attack him unprovoked, either, and I can’t ignore the fact that Jeff’s threat was probably serious.”  
          Name crossed her arms.  
          “But you’re still going to give him detention?”  
          “Mrs. Yuy, my job is to make this school a safe and efficient place for people to learn. Your son’s intention may have been noble, but he still resorted to violence and I can’t turn a blind eye to that.”  
          “It’s a fitting punishment,” Heero said. Name and Treize gave him questioning looks.  
          “What?” he snapped, “I’d rather get detention than be expelled because of that asshole.”  
          “Alright,” Treize said, “then I guess we have nothing further to discuss. You can go to your last class, Heero, your mother and I need to have a little chat.”  
          Heero left the office briskly, realizing that he had gotten off lightly. It wasn’t the first time, but this time his status had nothing to do with it and that made him feel relieved. If he had gotten expelled, he wouldn’t have been able to see Duo again and that wasn’t an option. Instead of going to his last class, he went in another direction. He needed to have a talk with someone.  
   
          Yuy was waiting for him outside of class, but Wufei had been expecting him.  
          “Yuy,” he greeted, “I take it that all went well, or are yo here to send me to the hospital as well?”  
          Heero didn’t take the bait.  
          “Why did you do that?”  
          “Do what?” Wufei asked with obvious fake innocence.  
          “Tell the truth!” Heero snapped, “You could have easily lied and told Khushrenada that I had started the whole thing. You want Duo, you could have taken me out of the picture, but you didn’t and I want to know why. I hate having debts, especially with people that I don’t like.”  
          Wufei snorted.  
          “You have no debt to me, Yuy,” he said, “because I didn’t tell the truth for your benefit. I did it for Duo.”  
          “What is that supposed to mean?”  
          Wufei smirked.  
          “Using such underhanded tactics would not be honorable, nor would it give me any satisfaction, besides, if you suffer, Duo will suffer and I don’t want that. I’m not giving up, not by a long shot, but lying to get you kicked out of school isn’t something I’d be proud of, either. I’ll get you out of my hair my own way,” with that little speech, Wufei walked off. Heero sighed as he watched him go. He didn’t know what to feel when it came to Chang Wufei. He hated that he was trying to steal Duo away from him, but the boy was honorable, more so than others his age and he had just gotten him out of hot water. In a different situation, they might have been friends, but when it came to Duo, Heero wasn’t backing off.  
   
          “You’ve already made your decision about my son, I don’t see any reason to talk further,” Name said.  
          “I don’t want to talk to you about Heero,” Treize assured her, “I want to talk to you about Duo Maxwell.”  
          Name’s black eyes widened. She had expected some plan about Heero’s behavior or even a lecture from the domineering man, but she had never imagined that he would be asking her about her son’s friend.  
          “What about him?” she asked suspiciously. She had sent Heero to this school because she knew that Treize Khushrenada was trustworthy and not a media hound or a weak person like Heero’s last principal had been. Still, she worried more about Duo than Heero lately. Duo was new to the game and there were hundreds of people who would just love to use Heero’s small town best friend to get at the family. Duo was vulnerable, almost naive in some respects, like a child playing grownup, and he was a perfect target for enemies of the family, but she refused to let him become a victim for the Yuy’s. He was Heero’s friend and it was her responsibility to protect him.  
          “My wife and I have known Duo since he was in Middle school and for the first time in years, he has a friend. He’s a strange boy, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. He’s quiet, but very smart. In the past he had been bullied, but since you’re son befriended it him, that has seemed to stop and he’s gotten a bit of confidence. I’ve always been curious about Maxwell, there’s something about him that begs information that no one can find.”  
          Name’s brow furrowed.  
          “What do you mean there’s no information? Surely you’ve spoken to his father? If he’s been bullied, I’m sure his father would want to know!” Name said, getting angrier by the minute.  
          “One day, Duo Maxwell just showed up out of nowhere. He came with one father, whom no one has ever seen, an address that no one has been to, and a phone number that is never answered. He goes to school and leaves, and no one sees him after that. Heero is the only student to see him outside of school. It is because of that I need for you to do a favor for me.”  
          Name thought furiously. How was it possible that a teenage boy could be so shrouded in mystery? Someone had to know about Duo outside of school! Someone had to have seen his father! It was impossible…  
          “What do you want me to do?” she asked.  
          “I know that there is something going on with Duo and I don’t think that it’s anything good. I just want you to watch. If you get any information about his home life or think that he’s in danger, please tell me. I want to help him, but since he’s not talking, I have to rely on other people’s surveillance. I can only watch him during school, and that just isn’t enough.”  
          Name thought about it, Duo’s wide violet eyes, his guarded expressions, his fear in the most normal of situations… the mere thought of something bad happening to him made her angry.  
          “I’ll help you.”  
   
   
          “Heero!” Duo cried as he spotted his best friend when the last bell rang. Heero turned to look at him and guilt filled his blue eyes.  
          “Duo-,”  
          “Don’t you ever fucking do that again!” Duo yelled. People in the hall gave the two wide birth as Duo strode up and smacked Heero over the head. Heero swore, but stopped any thoughts of retaliating when he saw the unshed tears in Duo’s eyes.  
          “You’re so stupid…” Duo murmured. Heero smiled softly at him.  
          “I know that and I’m sorry. He threatened you and I just… lost control.”  
          Duo ran a hand through his hair in a gesture that Heero found incredibly cute.  
          “I don’t care about that, you could have been expelled…” Duo looked away, trying to hide his turmoil, but Heero could see how upset he was. In the middle of the waning hallway, he wrapped his arms around his best friends and hugged him slightly.  
          “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”  
          Duo blinked against Heero’s shirt.  
          “What are you doing?” he asked, confused. Heero smirked against his soft hair.  
          “Hugging you, stupid, haven’t you ever gotten a hug before?” Heero joked. Duo didn’t say anything, just melting into the embrace. He knew what a hug was, Heero had hugged him last weekend, but, he couldn’t recall anyone hugging him before that.  
          “Promise me you won’t put yourself in danger like that again, please?”  
          Heero sighed and let go of him.  
          “I promise I’ll try.”  
          Duo sighed in exasperation.  
          “Brute,” he grumbled, but Heero knew that he was going to let it go and the only remorse he felt was that he had scared his friend. Duo left the school in much higher spirits than he had entered, walking out with Heero, laughing. Neither of them felt the brown eyes that followed them.  
   
           
          “Why is your hair so long?” Heero asked the next day as he and Duo studied for a math test in the library. Duo looked up from his book in surprise.  
          “Is this about what those guys said?” Duo asked sadly, a small hint of nervousness in his eyes.  
          “I don’t think that you’re a whore,” Heero said quickly, “but I have wondered why you’re hair is long. It’s not very usual…”  
          Duo got a far off look for a moment, but it was gone so quickly that Heero almost missed it.  
          “Well, I got out of habit of cutting it and no one ever ordered me to. I just didn’t see the point in bothering since no one gave any crap about it and after awhile, it became a sort of a comfort. I don’t think that I could get it cut now, I’m just too used to it.”  
          Heero frowned. It was such strange reasoning, but he wasn’t complaining. He loved Duo’s hair, he loved each streak of color, honey, gold, mahogany, and red, and he loved how silky it was.  
          “You won’t cut it, ever?” he asked. Duo shook his head and let his braid fall over his shoulder, gripping the silky rope.  
          “It’s been a part of me for too long,” he murmured.  
   
         _On the street, personal maintenance and hygiene took a back burner to survival. Duo had seen a lot of boys use shards of glass and knives to keep their hair short, but he had never bothered, letting his hair grow wildly. Keeping his hair long meant that he could hide things in it like lock picks of small, sharp objects that he sometimes found; not enough to keep away the big dogs like gangs and the crazies, but enough to make other rethink about messing with him. It also made him look like a girl which made some people think twice about hurting him, though this wasn’t very often, though he had stolen from a man that had let him go because he had thought that Duo was a little girl. It caused some problems, too, though, like attracting the kind of men that liked to prey on little girls or giving the people he had stolen from something to grab onto when he ran away. Wes liked his hair, that was obvious since he never threatened to cut it if he stepped out of line. He liked to use it during sex to tie up Duo’s hands or use it as a leash or choke him with it. He should have hated his hair for that or cut it all off just to spite Wes, but he couldn’t. His hair was all that he had that was truly his. He had thought about slicing up his face, doing all that he could to make himself ugly, but in the month that Wes had spent training him, it had been made clear that, though his prettiness was very, very marketable, he was still, ultimately, just a hole for men to fuck and as long as he was physically capable of having sex, he would be a whore. Besides, Wes had told him, quite a few men found little boys with scars a turn on._  
_One month… an entire month living with the pimp and drug runner, the man who had kidnapped him and raped him. One month of letting him rape him and teach him how to give a **proper** blowjob and all sorts of nasty things that left him screaming inside. He told himself it wasn’t so bad he was still alive, he just had to do some unsavory things, but on some days, that didn’t seem like such a good trade. Sometimes, Wes didn’t hurt him, but for some reason, the feeling of being violated was worse than the feelings of physical pain. In fact, the less Wes beat him, the dirtier he felt about the sex._  
  
_It was his first pick up. He should have been nervous, but what was the difference? Sex was sex as far as he was concerned, it didn’t matter who was fucking him. Wes had gone over what he had to do a thousand times. He had given him a piece of paper that had the street name on it where he was going to be picked up. He couldn’t read or understand what was written there, but there was nothing wrong with his sight and he could match the strange letters to the street signs. The person picking him up would have him for a few hours and Duo would have to do anything the man told him to do, then find his way back home. It would be so easy to run away, but he had thought that over hundreds of times and knew where that road led._  
_Finding the right street was the easy part, getting into the strange car with the strange man was significantly harder, especially with his years of street experience screaming at him that little kids should **not** get into a stranger’s car, but then he reminded himself that the man he was going with **was** a bad guy and that was the whole reason why he was getting into his car. _  
_His john looked… normal. No scars, no sleazy grin, he looked like a hundred guys he had passed on the street. He had mousy brown hair and hazel eyes and was wearing a white polo shirt, brown slacks, and had a gold ring on his third finger on his right hand. He looked like some kid’s father._  
_“You’re a little cutie!” the man exclaimed gleefully, “you aren’t nervous, are you?”_  
_Duo shook his head. There was something disturbing about how **happy** this guy was._  
_“Have you done this before?” the guy asked. Duo hesitated to answer._  
_“I’m not a virgin,” he finally said. Wes hadn’t told him to lie about his virginity, so he wouldn’t. The man nodded, seeming to get more excited by the fact that the boy wasn’t green._  
_They parked in the woods and the man turned off the car. Duo clenched his hands in his shirt. He wasn’t a virgin, but he also wasn’t sure what the man wanted. Would he just fuck him or did he want some foreplay? He hoped that he wouldn’t tie him up or burn him or something else nasty like that._  
_“Don’t be scared, cutie, come up here on my lap.”_  
_Duo unbuckled his seat belt and climbed into the man’s lap. The brunette cupped his cheeks and studied his face._  
_“You **are** a sweet thing, aren’t you?” he said breathlessly. Duo found himself blushing. He was just some dumb street kid turned dumb whore, what did he know about ‘pretty’ anyway? The man’s thumb ran over his soft lips, leaving Duo with the feeling of rough calluses. _  
_“I want this sweet little mouth on me,” the guy murmured._  
_Duo fumbled with the zipper on the man’s tented slacks, but managed to get it down. As his little hands searched for the length inside, his customer began to pant with desire. He wasn’t wearing any underwear, so Duo brought him out easily. This wan wasn’t quite as big as Wes, but to a seven year old who had only seen one other dick before, he was big enough._  
_“Go on, then,” the man urged._  
_Duo pressed his lips to the slit on the engorged head and slowly slid down. As he did with Wes, he had to stretch his jaw to keep from choking on the bitter tasting member. He hoped that when he got older, this would get easier, but thinking of the future filled him with a deep, aching depression. He felt a large hand on his head, petting his hair._  
_“Good boy, that’s it, suckle on it… perfect.”_  
_He pulled down Duo’s shorts as the boy deep throated him the best that he could and traced patterns over his pale, soft buttocks with his fingertips._  
_Duo fought the urge to bite down as two fingers worked their way inside of him. Wes had penetrated him with all **sorts** of things, his fingers, fist, cock, vibrators, plugs, beads, even a broom handle once as punishment when he hadn’t swallowed Wes’ cum as fast as he had liked, but he didn’t think that he would ever get used to how strange it felt. _  
_The man thrust his fingers in and out of the boy’s wonderfully hot and tight body, his fingers feeling how soft he was. His mouth was just as wonderful, not as talented as some of the adult prostitutes he had sampled, but his mouth was small, tight, and wet and his little tongue was quite good at stroking and teasing. Finally, he couldn’t take anymore and came into Duo’s throat. To his pleasant surprise, the child swallowed every drop of semen, cleaning him with that agile tongue until he popped his flaccid member out of his mouth._  
_The man, panting and spent, rummaged through his pants and gave Duo a hundred dollar bill. He ruffled Duo’s hair and scooted him back into his seat where Duo pulled his shorts back up and rubbed at his lips, making sure that he was really clean. The man gave it a few minutes before zipping his pants back up and starting the car. Duo curled up against the car door and refused to say anything as they drove back to where he had been picked up._  
  
_It was a long way back to the apartment, but Duo remembered the way back. It must have been a Sunday because there were street vendors everywhere he looked and the street was filled with the smells of hot, cooking food. The bitter taste of semen in his mouth and his stomach hollow and aching, he watched each booth like a dog eying a link of sausages, which, of course, he could see from some of the vendors. Before meeting Wes, he would have looked upon today as Paradise. Children ran around from booth to booth chaotically, the perfect disguise for a little pickpocket, but amongst the children were also cops, looking for thieves like Duo had been. But, he had money now, he didn’t need to steal, right? He had thought that, now that he was living with Wes, he would get regular meals, but that wasn’t necessarily true. Wes was a stingy, greedy man and only fed him when he absolutely had to. He eyed a booth that boasted roasted chicken on a stick and stopped. It only cost four fifty… surely Wes wouldn’t mind…_  
_“Can I have some?” he yelled over the roar of people. The vendor looked around for the source of the voice before he figured it out and looked down with a bright smile._  
_“Hey there, little man! What can I get for ya?”_  
_Duo bit his lip as he looked over the brightly drawn signs._  
_“Do you still have milk?” he asked excitedly. The vendor nodded._  
_Milk… real milk, not that powdered stuff… he had never had the real stuff before!_  
_“Can I have some chicken and milk?”_  
_The vendor’s smile grew at the child’s excitement. With the boy’s worn clothing and how thin he was, he could tell that he was one of the street kids and his heart went out to the boy. It was so hard to watch such young children struggle to survive._  
_“Four fifty, kiddo.”_  
_Duo handed over the money, collected his change, and ran. Like a wounded cat, he found shelter in a small alcove in an empty alley to eat his meal. The chicken was tender and delicious, but not strong enough to make his weak stomach sick. The milk was heavenly and filled him, making him feel drowsy and content._  
  
_“Stupid little shit!” Wes yelled before he threw Duo against the wall. Duo rolled with the blow, used to Wes’ explosive anger, though he had never thought he would get this angry over a few dollars._  
_“I’m sorry!” he cried, tucking his head down as Wes threw a chair at him and it broke against the wall. “I’ll never do it again,” he promised, crying out as Wes kicked him in his side._  
_“Damn right you won’t,” Wes snarled, raining kicks onto the child’s body. Duo let his loose hair fall over him, shielding him as well as he could against the blows. The silky curtain caressed his bare skin and he pretended that he was back on the street, hiding in corners and alleys, using his hair to warm his body in the winter. He clenched at his long locks and stayed still as Wes finished with him and dragged him into the bedroom._  
   
          Duo was shaken from his eclectic memories by a tug on his braid. He blinked up at Heero who still had his braid in his fist.  
          “Come on, Rapunzel, we have some more studying to do,” Heero teased, not liking the look in Duo’s eyes.  
          “Call me that again and I’ll shave that rat’s nest you call a hairdo,” Duo growled. Heero just laughed at him.  
   
          “Shit,” Duo swore. He was in deep trouble. He sighed. Standing in the apartment’s tiny bathroom, he pulled his shirt neck away from his shoulder again, just in case he was mistaken. He wasn’t. The bite mark that Wes had made was a deep angry red, even the skin around the wound looked inflamed and the teeth marks were starting to get infected with puss. He poked at the leaking white fluid and winced. He grabbed some toilet paper and doused it with cold water, pressing it against the wound and making it sting. He pressed at the wound, breaking open the slowly healing parts and letting more pus drain, then swiped it up with the toilet paper.  
          He didn’t have any health insurance, hell, he didn’t have any identification. Getting antibiotics would be impossible. It would be like any other injury he had gotten, he would just have to wait and hope for the best. He sighed again and tossed the blood and pus stained toilet paper into the trash barrel.  
   
   
   
          Cold brown eyes followed Heero and Duo as they left the school, Heero by his Jaguar and Duo by foot, but neither of them noticed the teenaged boy watching them from the other side of the parking lot. Neither did Duo notice the same boy following him as he walked home.  
   
          Alex Mueller swore. He had lost Yuy’s bitch again. The longhaired boy was swift and apparently capable of covering his tracts even when he didn’t know that he was being followed. He had thought that the little faggot would be easy to tail, but it appeared that Yuy’s pet whore wasn’t the weak thing he had thought. That didn’t change anything, though, whether it took him five minutes or a week, he would take Duo Maxwell down and Heero Yuy with him.  
           
          Alex had lived in Britain his whole life and, though his family was quite wealthy and affluent, he hadn’t had much excitement until Yuy had started going to his school. All Alex had wanted was to get good grades so he could start on the road to becoming a doctor like his father, but Yuy had ruined all that. Everyone in school had been drooling at the thought of a Yuy attending their school. Every girl wanted to date him, every boy wanted to be friends with him. Alex just wanted him to go away. At first, they had just disliked each other, but when the principal went hunting for Alex for something that Yuy had surely done, he had gotten expelled, and all because of that Japanese bastard and his family. He didn’t care if Yuy had done it or not, he knew that the only reason why he had gotten expelled while Yuy hadn’t even gotten a slap on the wrist was that he was a Yuy. Yuy was fucking untouchable, he could murder and nothing would happen! Even when ten people had seen him beat up that kid, the principal hadn’t done anything! His mother had just up and moved them to America while Alex was stuck in England at sucky part time jobs trying to convince his father that he was still responsible and not some juvenile delinquent. Yuy had to pay for that, and he would. When he had heard that Heero had moved to America, he had followed him, refusing to let him slip through his fingers. That fucker would pay… that was all he could think about. But, there was just one little problem… Yuy was untouchable. Even if he tried to get Yuy, his mother would just get him out of trouble again and again. How could you fuck with a boy that was bullet proof? Easy. Hurt the thing that he treasures the most. Yuy was untouchable, his precious little slut, however was not.  
          He didn’t feel any remorse about going after ‘Duo Maxwell’, if that was his real name. He was no idiot. He had done a little research, Duo Maxwell didn’t exist. But, he had a much better idea than using his records against him. For a brief moment while Alex had been tailing him, Duo’s eyes had met Alex’s. Alex was confident that he hadn’t truly been seen any more than anyone else in the crowd, but that wasn’t the point. Those eyes… so pretty, like iris’, only, there was nothing there. They were hollow and pointless, a child with no soul. The boy had no soul… you couldn’t hurt someone who had no soul.  
          Alex turned and walked back the way he came. He had missed his chance to corner the brat, but he had an ace up his sleeve. Tomorrow, there was someone that he had to see. Tomorrow, Yuy’s destruction would be imminent.  
   
          Staying away from Duo reminded Zechs of his recent nicotine habit that he had successfully kicked. It seemed as though he was everywhere Zechs turned in school, but he couldn’t even approach him without Treize’s threat ringing in his ears. His body burned for one more taste of the violet eyed boy. But, Yuy wouldn’t leave him alone for a second and Zechs couldn’t risk Duo telling on him and getting him expelled. Still, every time he saw him it was like a fist squeezing at his heart. Yuy was probably so smug, thinking that he had won, but Zechs would find a way. He knew that Heero hadn’t fucked him yet, his gut told him that much, and that would always be something he had over him. Heero would never know what Duo tasted like, he would see to that.  
          The last bell rang and Zechs left for school. There was no longer any reason to stay late or get there early, all of the excitement from school had been bled dry. His nights, however, were worse. He would stay up late thinking about what Duo was doing and remembering all those early mornings and after school hours they had spent together. When Zechs made it to his car, a familiar face was waiting for him.  
          “Alex?” he breathed in shock. The blonde boy grinned at him and clapped him on the shoulder.  
          “Hey, man, I haven’t seen you in years!”  
          A part of Zechs was glad to see his old friend again, but another was suspicious. He shook hands with the slightly shorter boy.  
          “What are you doing here? I thought you were still going to school in England?”  
          Alex’s eyes turned dark and angry.  
          “Things have changed. Anyway, I was in the neighborhood and decided to see my old friend again.”  
          Zechs snorted.  
          “Don’t give me that shit. I haven’t seen you in years. The two of us are alike and I know that you wouldn’t be here unless you needed something.”  
          Alex nodded.  
          “Ok, let’s cut through all the bullshit. I do need something and so do you, but I’m going to need your help to get what I want. Now, is there someplace a little more private where we can talk?”  
          Zechs looked at him suspiciously.  
          “And why should I help you? I’m already in trouble and I don’t see what’s in it for me to put my ass on the line again?”  
          Alex grinned.  
          “A mutual enemy.”  
          Zechs raised a silver-white eyebrow at him.  
          “Who?”  
          “Yuy.”  
          Zechs chuckled.  
          “Yuy’s untouchable and you know that. I won’t even bother asking what you have against him, it can’t be done.”  
          “Oh? What if I told you that I could destroy him and get that little bitch back with you at the same time?”  
          “How do you know about that?” Zechs snarled.  
          “You insult my intelligence, I know your type and I know that you’re smarter than to get in trouble unless your dick’s involved, so I put two and two together. Now, are we going to help each other or not?”  
          Any anger that Zechs felt vanished at the thought of hurting Yuy and getting back Duo. He opened the car door for his old friend.  
          “Alright, let’s go.”  
   
   
   
          Wednesday, it started to snow. This wasn’t so unusual in Maine, even though it wasn’t quite December, yet. The weather had been cold lately and Duo certainly wasn’t surprised about the sudden light fall of snow. It was light now, but he knew from experience that it would pick up in the next few days. He remembered days like this on the streets. To kids with homes, snow was something magical, something that created frozen ponds and snow days away from school. To a street kid, snow was something to be feared. Food out of dumpsters would be frozen and useless and, if you weren’t careful, you could freeze to death in your sleep. That was one good thing about living with Wes, he may not have a lot of food or hot showers, but the apartment was heated. However, his coughing was getting progressively worse and he knew that he was scaring Heero, but there was little that he could do about it. He had managed to take some free cough drops from the nurse’s office, but they hadn’t helped. His chest felt tight all the time and his stomach and abdomen hurt. He felt woozy, but he was starting to get used to the feeling of being sick.  
          Last block was starting soon and he didn’t relish the idea of having to go outside. He has his heavy jacket, but it wasn’t enough to keep the chill away. Heero had volunteered to buy him a better jacket, but food was one thing, clothes were another and he refused to leech off of his best friend.  
          On the way to the music room, Duo realized that he was being followed. He looked over his shoulder and found Wufei tailing him. He rolled his eyes and kept walking, trying to put some distance between the two of them. He wasn’t up to another confrontation with the stubborn boy. Over the last few days, Duo had been plagued with gifts of flowers and chocolate and trinkets, which was both embarrassing and annoying. He knew at this point that telling Wufei that he didn’t love him was not going to cut it. He wondered if he could a restraining order put on a sixteen year old classmate, then remembered that he didn’t have the money to get a lawyer in the first place and just walked faster. Wufei, however, was matching him step for step and easily caught up with him.  
          “Duo, wait!” Wufei called, making a grab for Duo’s arm, but the lithe brunette evaded him.  
          “Leave me alone!” Duo snarled, tiredly. His head felt heavy and fuzzy and he was too tired for the games. Wufei, however, didn’t seem to care and gently pushed Duo against the wall to stop him from running away.  
          “Just stop!” he pleaded. Duo glared at him, and then his eyes widened in shock as Wufei pressed his lips to his.  
          He froze, unable to fight back, not because of any fear or force, simply because he had never thought that the Chinese boy would have the audacity to do something like that. There was no tongue, just soft lips against his until Chang pulled away.  
          “I’ve wanted to do that since the moment I met you,” Wufei said breathlessly.  
          “Stop…” Duo pleaded, feeling strange, his whole body heavy.  
          “No, I want you so badly,” Wufei whispered, rubbing his knee against Duo’s crotch. Duo gripped at Wufei’s shirt as his vision started to turn black around the edges.  
          “stop…” he murmured, his legs collapsing from under him. He heard Wufei yell something and then, blackness.  
   
          Wufei watched in alarm as Duo started to slump towards the ground, Wufei’s grip on him the only thing keeping Duo’s head from smashing onto the linoleum floor.  
          “Duo!” he yelled, but the boy was unconscious and there was no one around to hear his cry. What had just happened? He had been in heaven, his love’s lips so soft and warm… now this. He picked Duo up in his arms, not realizing just how thin and light the other boy was, and tried to remember where the nurse’s office was.  
   
          Wufei waited impatiently in the waiting room after handing Duo over to Nurse Po. He had never been to a nurse’s office before. Anytime he had been sick, his mother had taken care of him, but the young blonde nurse seemed like a good person. The place was filled half with anatomy charts and half with bright, cartoon posters telling students the dangers of various things like unprotected sex and alcohol. She had been in there for twenty minutes now, what could be taking so long?!  
   
          Sally bit her lip as she watched the longhaired boy sleep. Fear and anger filled her. His shoulder was badly infected with a bite wound and he was running a fever, though she didn’t think that it was from an infection. With a normal student she would have sent him to a hospital. She wasn’t exactly equipped for tests to find out what was really wrong with him. But, Duo Maxwell wasn’t normal. She swallowed nervously and ran a hand over her face tiredly. What was she going to do? The boy needed treatment, but if she caused trouble for that man posing as his father, she would be dead in ditch within the hour, she was sure. She covered the boy with a blanket and brushed his bangs out of his face. It was her job to make sure that he was healthy, but how could she do that at the cost of her own life?  
           
          “Mr. Chang?”  
          Wufei’s head popped up to meet light blue eyes. She smiled at him, but her eyes were hard and serious.  
          “Your friend is awake now.”          
          Wufei stood up quickly.  
          “Is he ok?” he demanded.  
          “He has a bit of a cold and is quite tired, but he’ll be fine,” she lied. “His father will be coming to pick him up soon. He should be fine by tomorrow.”  
          Wufei nodded, feeling guilty as he realized that he was probably responsible for Duo’s collapse, causing him stress while he was sick.  
          “Can you tell him that I’m sorry?” he asked. Po nodded.  
          “Go back to class, Mr. Chang, you’ll see him tomorrow,” she assured him.  
          “Thank you,” Wufei said and left, tail between his legs. Sally sighed in relief and returned to her patient.  
   
          Duo was indeed awake, though a bit confused. He remembered Wufei kissing him, then nothing, and now he was in the nurse’s office. Nurse Po handed him a juice box of orange juice and some painkillers for his headache.  
          “What happened?” he asked.  
          “You collapsed. Chang Wufei brought you here,” Sally chewed on her lower lip. Should she confront him about the bite mark, his illness, and the abuse she had seen the last time he was in here?  
          “I’m sure after a full night’s rest, you’ll be as good as new,” she said and Duo knew that she was lying. She knew that Wes wasn’t his real father, but he was obviously threatening her or she would have gone to the police by now. Duo wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed by now. It wouldn’t be the first time he had considered going to the cops, but he had no record, no proof, and the end result would have him stuck in some foster home or juvenile delinquent center until he was eighteen and tossed back onto the streets again, or back into Wes’ very furious hands if he decided to pay the cops off, which was possible. Duo had performed for police before and he knew that they were corrupt, if not completely in the pockets of the pimps and drug hounds that never got caught.  
          “Can I go home?” he asked. He wanted to stay and sleep some more, but staying with this woman that knew that something bad was happening to him and had done nothing made him feel uncomfortable. She nodded.  
          “I’ll let you go home early,” she said. He untangled himself from the heavy blanket and shakily walked out of the infirmary. Sally watched him go, her guilt trying to disembowel her, but she let him leave without a word.  
   
   
          The one good thing about being sick was that Duo was so out of his head the rest of the day, he hardly remembered working. Wes was typically unsympathetic to how crappy he felt and forced him onto the streets. At midnight, he was done and found himself on Solo’s beat. They hadn’t seen each other in weeks and Duo always sought him out when he had the time like tonight. He should have gone home and to bed, he thought, but despite being tired, he was also restless and looked for his friend.  
          The night was cold, though the snow had finally stopped, and business was slow for un-pimped hooker like Solo. Few johns were patrolling the streets, but Wes had managed to find quite a few looking for a fuck that were willing to pick Duo up. Duo felt bad as he approached Solo, it looked like his friend had had a tough bite and no fish had been biting.  
          “Hey, Sol’,” he called. Solo seemed to brighten as he saw the younger boy.  
          “Duo!” he cheered and hugged Duo tightly. Duo hugged him back.  
          “It’s been awhile, short stuff.”  
          Duo frowned.  
          “Don’t call me that.”  
          Solo just grinned. They stood side by side, their arms touching, and watched the cars drive by them on the street.  
          “So, how’s school going?” Solo asked.  
          “Good, I’ve got a math test coming up, but I’m pretty confident about it.”  
          Solo clapped him on the shoulder.  
          “That’s my boy!” he teased. Duo looked off into the darkness of the night.  
          “Solo… have you ever been in love?” he asked in a soft voice. Solo looked down at him, realizing how serious the question was.  
          “Once,” he said sadly, “why…,” suddenly it dawned on Solo and he ran a hand through his messy blonde hair, “oh, shit, kiddo, don’t tell me…”  
          “I think I’m in love with another guy,” Duo confessed. Solo sighed in exasperation.  
          “Do you have any idea how dangerous that is? Shit… we fuck ‘em, but we do _not_ fall in love with them!”  
          “It isn’t a customer,” Duo assured him.  
          “Well that’s a relief, who is it? Just some guy you met on the streets? ‘Cause let me tell you, that ain’t love you’re talking about!”  
          “I know that!” Duo growled.  
          “Don’t tell me… not that fucker Wes, please tell me you have better taste than that!”  
          Duo glared at him.  
          “Ok, so not Wes. Alright, I’ll bite, what marvelous specimen of human has gained _your_ attentions?”  
          Duo fiddled with his hair. He felt awkward talking about his feelings to the boy that had professed his own feelings to him.  
          “A few weeks ago this guy moved here. We became friends and I like him a lot. I… I think I’m in love with him.”  
          “You fell for a normie? Well, that complicates things, but I gotta say, I’m not surprised, a kid like you deserves to fall for someone who isn’t a perv. So, what’s his name?”  
          Duo hesitated.  
          “Heero Yuy.”  
          “WHAT?!” Solo exploded, “Heero ‘I’m the King of the World’ Yuy is going to _your_ school?! Fuck, Duo, even a piece of shit like me knows how powerful that guy is! Are you fucking insane?! You can’t be in love with him, you just can’t!”  
          “I know that!” Duo snarled and the tears in his voice stopped Solo’s rant, “I can’t help what I feel, but I never said that I was going to _tell_ him. I’m a whore and he’s the heir of Yuy Corporation, we aren’t even in the same library! Just that we’re friends seems impossible to me! But, I can’t stop _loving_ him just because I shouldn’t!”  
          “I’m sorry,” Solo murmured, “but I don’t want you to get your heart broken. You have enough problems in your life without a broken heart.”  
          “Too late,” Duo said bitterly.  
   
   
          What was it with girls and stalking? Heero wondered as he once again saw the same girl following closely behind him as he went to his next class. A few years ago he had been engaged, against his will, to a girl who had thought that obsession and stalking equaled romance. He had been pursued by more than just a few girls, but had turned down every one of them. He wondered if there was a way to make it clear that he was gay without causing a scene. He wondered why girls went after guys that spent half of their time glaring at them, did they have a death wish or something?  
          She was a brunette with dark green eyes and Heero supposed, in a small town kind of way, she was very pretty. Of course, he had met princess’ and actresses and models, so his view of feminine beauty was a bit biased. She approached him between classes and he wished that he had Duo by his side as a sort of buffer, but ultimately took that thought back, he didn’t want to subject his best friend to this stupidity.  
          “Heero?” the girl asked shyly and Heero saw that her girlfriends were behind her, whether to heckle him if he broke her heart or to keep her from running away.  
          “Yes?” he asked impatiently. She looked away nervously, reminding Heero of a deer in front of a wolf.  
          “I-I… like you,” she said in a tiny voice, “no, I love you! Will you go out with me?”  
          “No,” he said instantly. The girl turned pale and started to sputter, but he walked away, unwilling to listen to her.  
          “Hey!” one of her friends stopped him, “You can’t just treat her like that! A girl is pouring her heart out to you!” the girl put a hand on her chest, reminding Heero of a cheesy romance movie, “You have to at least give her a chance, you owe her love that much!”  
          Heero snorted.  
          “I don’t owe her shit. It’s her love, not mine,” his eyes looked at the in love girl coldly, “her love has nothing to do with me and just because she feels that way doesn’t give me any obligation to her. I don’t love her, so why would I date her? No offense, but I’m not interested.”  
          He pushed his way past the group of shocked girls and stormed towards his class. Emotions… they were so powerful, but why did people think that their emotions gave them an excuse to take free will from others? So the girl loved him, he sure didn’t love her, so why did he have to ‘give her a chance’? He knew what he felt just as much as she did and nothing she said or did would be able to change how he felt. He knew how Duo felt about Wufei now and how frustrating it was dealing with someone who couldn’t see past their own emotions. He would never do that to Duo. As much as he loved and wanted the boy, he would never force himself on him in the name of ‘love’. He loved him enough to let him make his own choices. It was so hard, dealing with those feelings, that sometimes he wished that he didn’t love him at all.  
          He retreated to his locker where he found a piece of paper sticking out of it. He unfolded it and frowned. What the hell was going on?  
   
          Heero wasn’t the only one being followed by an unrequited love interest, but this time when Duo discovered he was being stalked, it was by someone infinitely more dangerous than Chang Wufei. Since the day that Zechs had attacked him in gym, Duo had hoped that he would never had to deal with him again, but apparently the silver haired bully wasn’t quite done with him because he now seemed to be trying to herd him towards the soccer field. Finally, Duo decided that he had had enough of Zechs’ crap and turned to confront him.  
          “What do you want?” he snapped. Zechs smiled at him.  
          “You don’t seem so happy to see me.”  
          Duo snorted.  
          “Well, after you almost sent me to the hospital, I think I have good reason to be wary of you.”  
          “I’m sorry about that,” Zechs said, “but I was just so angry, I wanted to be with you, I still do. Does our past history mean nothing?”  
          “You mean our history as a bully and his victim?” Duo jeered.  
          “I gave you a choice, you chose sex over all that, I even gave you money to get food, and yet you won’t even give me a second chance?” Zechs cocked his head to the side.  
          “For some people, one chance is enough. For people like you, they didn’t even deserve the first chance,” Duo said.  
          “But, there is something that I need to show you.”  
          Duo shrugged and waved him off.  
          “I really don’t care, just leave me alone,” he turned to leave.  
          “You’ll come with me if you don’t want to get Yuy involved,” Zechs threatened. Duo stopped and looked at him with wide, fearful eyes. Scared, shocked, and off balance, just the way that Zechs liked him.  
          “W-what do you mean?”  
          Zechs smirked.  
          “Come with me and find out.”  
          Duo clenched his fists.  
          “No, I can’t miss class,” he said, but his conviction was wavering. He wouldn’t go with Zechs, but that quip about Heero… What if he had something, some proof that he and Zechs had been involved sexually? But, that wasn’t possible and Heero would never just take his word for it, but still…  
          “This won’t take long,” Zechs promised, grabbing Duo’s wrist and dragging him towards the exit.  
   
          The bushes near the soccer field were a familiar sight, and though Duo was leery about Zechs taking him some place so secluded, he let him lead him there. To his surprise, there was another boy there, a blonde boy with brown eyes.  
          “What the fuck is this?” Duo snapped.  
          “Settle down,” Zechs said, handing Duo a photograph that he pulled out of his pocket. Duo stared at the picture in shock. It couldn’t be, but it was, a picture of Zechs and him, Zechs was on top of him and it was clear what they were doing.  
          “That’s impossible,” he said in a small voice, “I don’t remember you taking this…”  
          “You were a little preoccupied at the time,” Zechs sneered.  
          “What do you want from me?” Duo asked in a subdued voice.  
          “It’s simple,” Alex piped up, his voice thick with his English accent, “my good friend Zechs and I are going to fuck you and you are going to let us or we tell Heero about what you’ve been doing. Of course, we’re going to fuck you either way, but at least with option A, you get a choice.”  
          ‘This is no choice,’ Duo thought bitterly as he looked at the picture. Just once he would like to catch a break. He had thought that he had gotten Zechs out of his life for good, now this mess.  
          “Fine,” he said, “I’ll do it, but if Heero finds out, I’ll kill you,” he snapped at Zechs who ignored the threat. Alex ran his tongue over his teeth.  
          “Zechs can take your ass, I want your mouth,” Alex said cruelly. Duo glared at him. Just who was this guy and how did he know Zechs?  
          He grudgingly got onto his knees in front of the blonde. As Duo unzipped his jeans, Alex found himself hard. He was by no means a virgin, but none of his girlfriends had gone down on him and he wanted to know what it felt like. He didn’t know what would be more exciting, having that hot mouth on him or watching Zechs fuck the little slut. He wasn’t a fag, it was just exciting, that was all, and a hot body was a hot body, regardless of the equipment. He licked his lips as he felt the violet eyed boy’s warm hands bringing his erection out of his pants. Yuy sure knew how to pick them, that was sure.  
          Alex groaned loudly as Duo engulfed him fully. It felt so good… like slipping into a hot bath, only it was tight, too. He grabbed at Duo’s head, his fingers digging into the boy’s silky hair as an agile tongue swiped over his cock.  
          “Shit, so good,” he moaned as Duo slid up and down on his member and sucked on him.  
          Zechs smirked as he watched Duo deep throat his friend. He had been on the receiving end of those oral skills more than once and for now he just wanted to watch. It was better than a five star porno.  
          Alex squeezed his eyes shut as he felt his orgasm creeping up on him. At the last moment he pulled out of Duo’s mouth and came on his face, staggering back to catch his breath, his vision still white with his climax. Duo grimaced and wiped the cum off of his face with his shirt sleeve.  
          “Damn,” Alex gasped, “who the hell taught you that?”  
          “Another asshole just like you,” Duo snapped. Alex growled, grabbing Duo by his bangs and slapping him across the face.  
          “Don’t talk back,” Alex snarled.  
          Zechs had had enough. From visual stimulation alone, he was so hard it hurt. He looked at his watch and grinned. It was time.  
          “Come here,” Zechs ordered as he lay down on the soft grass and unzipped his jeans. “I want you to do it yourself.”  
          Duo crawled over to him, straddling his hips.  
          “Inside my pocket is some lube, use it,” Zechs ordered. He almost shuddered as Duo pressed his body against his, searching his pockets. He could feel his warmth through his clothes, that sweet little body, and soon he would be buried inside of him once again.  
          Duo moved quickly, uncapping the lube and covering both himself and Zechs with the greasy stuff. Zechs made a small noise as Duo grabbed his cock and angled his body over it. The small noise turned into a low groan as Duo started to lower himself onto the stiff organ. Zechs closed his eyes as his cock was suddenly squeezed by soft flesh and heat. Duo took him in fully, his jeans around his knees, restricting his movement, and his soft buttocks caressing Zechs balls. He winced as he felt his insides stretching to accommodate Zechs’ impressive girth. He hated this, it made him feel like crawling out of his skin, but he placed his hands on Zechs’ chest as balance and moved up and down on him anyway. He closed his eyes and concentrated on his job. Zechs watched his face closely, his flushed cheeks, his strained, hateful expression. Zechs placed his hands on Duo’s slim hips, loving the feel of his moving body. Duo’s inner muscles squeezed him, milking him and the pleasant sensation was almost enough to make him scream.  
          Duo heard a shocked gasp and his eyes flew open. He looked up and violet met blue. Heero’s eyes were wide before he turned and fled.  
          “Heero!” Duo yelled and pulled himself off of Zechs, not caring about the pain, pulled up his pants and chased after his best friend. Zechs took one last look at the longhaired boy’s retreating back. He and Alex shared a look and started to laugh. (5)  
           
   
          “Heero, wait!” Duo yelled, grabbing at Heero’s arm and pulling him back. Heero shook him off and glared at him.  
          “Fuck off,” he whispered, his eyes moving down to Duo’s unzipped jeans. Duo followed the move and blushed, zipping them back up.  
          “Heero, please… talk to me,” Duo begged.  
          “Do you love him?” Heero asked, his voice icy.  
          “No,” Duo murmured, “I hate him. I just… I needed the money and the protection.”  
          Heero’s hands curled into fists. How could anyone do anything so disgusting?! How could Duo lower himself to that?! No matter how poor he was, no matter how Zechs had bullied him!  
          “So, what? You just let him fuck you like some… some… whore?!”  
          “Yes,” Duo said solemnly, “just like that,” he said, looking Heero in the eye.  
          Heero laughed, making Duo flinch.  
          “This has all been just one big game to you, hasn’t it?!” he snarled, “What were you going to do, seduce me and leave me high and dry?!”  
          “No!” Duo cried, tears welling up in his eyes, “it wasn’t like that! Please, Heero, listen to me…” he grabbed at Heero’s arm again, but Heero shoved him away and slapped him hard enough to send his head reeling to the side. Duo pressed a hand to his wounded cheek, tears tracking down his face.  
          “Please, you’re my best friend,” he cried.  
          “Don’t touch me,” Heero growled, “don’t you dare put you’re disgusting hands on me. I trusted you!” he hissed. Rage and revulsion and depression welled up in him. He couldn’t take this anymore, the image of Duo’s thrusting body burning in his mind, and he ran. Duo watched him go, his world frozen. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe.  
          ‘Heero…’  
   
   
          Heero ran through the school, ignoring teachers yelling at him to slow down. He needed sanctuary, he needed to be alone, he needed to throw up…  
          He found an empty classroom and curled up in the corner, drawing his knees to his chest. He felt hysteria build up in his chest and pushed it all down. This wasn’t happening, it was a bad dream. Duo would never do this to him… he would never do that to himself… everything was wrong. Zechs’ cocky grin and Duo’s lithe body… why couldn’t he get that out of his head?!  
          He cowered in there for an hour, not caring about the goings on outside of the door, not caring about anything, just remaining in his disbelieving fog. His mother found him there, having not moved an inch, and took him home.  
   
   
          It was late at night when Heero finally shook out of his cloud enough to, reluctantly, tell his mother what had happened. He wanted to make something up, not to tell her anything, but for some reason the words came spilling out anyway.  
          “I’m not going back there,” Heero said, sitting on his bed. Name noticed how he was staring at the spot where Duo’s mattress had been. She felt just as numb as her son. She couldn’t conceive her image of the small, strange, but kind boy she knew with the image Heero had spun with his words.  
          “Are you sure that what you saw was what really happened?” she asked.  
          “He was fucking that pig!” Heero cried, “He was selling himself like some common piece of trash! Why didn’t I see it?” Heero shook his head, “There was no way someone like him would be my friend if there wasn’t a catch.”  
          Name set next to him and gathered him into her arms like she had when he was a child and had had a bad dream.  
          “I’m so sorry, Heero, it’s not your fault, it’s mine,” she rested her cheek against his head, feeling him press his face into her shirt and start to cry.  
   
   
          Heero did go to school the next day, avoiding the rest of the student body like the plague, but Duo never showed up.  
  
  
End chapter 4  


 


	6. Chapter 5: Missing Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo tries to adjust to a life without Heero. Duo's friends take revenge on Alex for his terrible prank. Quatre, Trowa, and Name try to find Duo while Heero is in denial that Duo's disappearance bothers him.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 5: Missing  
Part 1  
            
   
    Three days passed and Duo didn’t show up at school again, but only Khushrenada seemed to care. After the first day, Treize pulled Heero into his office to interrogate him, but the boy refused to disclose his best friend’s whereabouts. He instead advised Treize to forget about Duo, he wasn’t worth his time. Furious at Heero for turning his back on his friend, Treize contacted his mother, but if she knew anything, she wasn’t talking, either.   
          Heero buried himself in his classes and homework like he had never done before. He just let everything continue moving around him, building his walls back up. He had wanted to just hole himself up in his room and never speak to another person ever again. He had loved Duo so completely and now he hated him just as much. It was so confusing… he had no idea that love and hate could be so intertwined. That was what made it so sick, as much as he wanted to beat the longhaired to a pulp for hurting him, he also still loved him. He wanted to find someplace neutral, someplace that didn’t remind him how deeply he had cared for Duo, but that was impossible, there wasn’t a single place like that. Everywhere in this town, in his house, was a memory of Duo.   
          Life at home was worse than at school. At school he had distractions, at home, there were just his memories twisted by the knowledge of what Duo had done. He lay in bed at night often thinking about that and searching for any sort of clue that he could have picked up on, but his mind just kept circling around the same facts. He was torn between wanting to fly into a rage and destroy everything, and just curling into a ball on his bed and ignoring the rest of the world. His mother tried to cheer him up, along with Quatre and Trowa, but nothing worked. The one thing, the one person, he wanted was the source of his misery. He felt like his soul, if there truly was such a thing, had been ripped from him. He just felt so angry, but he didn’t know if he was angry at himself or Duo. As the days went on, his defensive shell and righteous anger turned to bitterness and hate and he withdrew further and further within himself until he found a way to keep going with his life. He kept away from people in school, afraid that he would kill someone if they came near him. He wanted to find Duo at the same time that he never wanted to see him ever again. He had used him and Heero had never seen it, too wrapped up in his feelings of infatuation. He didn’t know who the bigger fool was.  
            
          Name, for the first time in her life, didn’t know what to do. She didn’t think that there were any solutions to this problem. Heero was reacting the same way now that he had when his father had died and she hated that, she hated Duo for how he had hurt her child. But, at the same time, she was still having problems believing that Duo had been capable of doing it. She couldn’t reconcile him with the sort of sly deviant that Heero had painted. All she knew was that Heero had to go on, somehow, and he just wasn’t. Oh, he said that he was fine and that he was dealing, but she knew the truth. She wondered if they should move away again, but knew that that wouldn’t solve the problem, running away was just cowardice. She wanted to find Duo, but she wasn’t sure that was the answer, either. She knew that if she did find him, she would ruin him. Heero was being so distant, even with Quatre and Trowa. They were nothing like Duo, surely Heero had to know that. Of course, she had thought that Duo was a good person and look what had happened.  
   
          Quatre had no idea what was going on, but it had to stop. Whatever had happened was big, of that he was sure. The last time Heero had been so distant had been when his father had died. Quatre wanted to know what was wrong with his friend, but he wasn’t sure how. He was hurting something awful and Quatre wanted to make sure that his interference wouldn’t make things worse. He just wanted his friend back. What really bothered him was that, if Heero was having problems, Duo would have seen it and tried to help, yet Heero and his mother hadn’t even mentioned his name in three days. He couldn’t see how Duo could be involved, it just didn’t make any sense to him. It was Friday and Heero was just on the couch watching TV, though it didn’t appear as though he were really watching it since he hadn’t touched the remote in two hours, even when the news came on, and Quatre knew how much he hated the news. Then there was the issue of Duo’s absence. According to Name, he had slept over the past two weekends and Quatre could tell that Duo was eager, maybe even desperate, to spend as much time as he could at the Yuy’s. Not for the first time Quatre wondered about Duo’s home and why the violet eyed boy always avoided the subject. Quatre and Trowa shared a look. They had both had enough of the Yuy’s somber silence. They were acting as though someone had died! And Heero was just moping in bitter, repressed anger.  
          Quatre strode up to the TV and turned it off.  
          “Hey!” Heero snapped, jumping to his feet as though he was willing to fight for the television. Trowa stood in front of him, protecting his small blonde lover, though he hoped that Heero didn’t have it in him to hit his old friend, and crossed his arms, looking intimidating, but not as intimidating as Heero was with his glowering eyes.   
          “What is going on with you?” Trowa demanded. Heero glared at him.  
          “There’s nothing wrong with me,” he snapped.  
          “Then where is Duo?” Quatre asked and watched in alarm as Heero flinched.   
          “Duo spends every weekend here, so where is he and why won’t you talk about him?”  
          Heero’s hands curled into fists.   
          “He’s not _here_ because he’s off scamming teenage boys out of their hard earned cash,” Heero sneered. Trowa’s eyes narrowed in anger at Heero talking about the American that way.  
          “What is that supposed to mean?” Quatre asked, his voice cold.   
          “I mean that he’s been letting Zechs Merquise fuck him just to stop him from bullying him!” Heero yelled, “And some goddamn pocket change on the side! And if I hadn’t caught him in the act, he probably would have robbed me blind, the little… smelly, gutter rat!” Heero’s voice rose to an almost hysterical pitch.  
          Quatre slapped him.   
          “How dare you?” he hissed, “How can you say those things about your best friend?”   
          “Because it’s the truth,” Heero said cruelly, “he’s nothing more than a two-faced, petty whore!”  
          “Shut up!” Trowa snapped.  
          “You never told us Zechs was at your school.”  
          “It’s none of your business,” Heero growled.   
          “You saw him and Duo having sex?”   
          “Yes!” Heero grounded out, shutting his eyes to ward off the unpleasant memory.  
          “And he told me that he _hated_  Merquise, but he was letting him fuck him for ‘money and protection’!”   
          Quatre’s expression turned furious.  
          “And you never tried to help him?!” Quatre screamed. Name watched what was happening from the doorway, but didn’t intrude, watching her son carefully. Heero looked at the blonde in astonishment as though that had never occurred to him.  
          “I-I… he doesn’t need my help… he doesn’t deserve my help!” Heero’s voice became steadier as he reclaimed his anger.   
          “No, you don’t deserve him!” Quatre countered, “He’s selling his body to a man he hates because he’s poor and doesn’t want to get harassed and you, you call yourself his friend and don’t even try to help him! He’s poor enough to do something so terrible, but still tries to get through school and you, who has all the money in the world, you don’t even try! He’s trying so hard just to survive and you’re depending on your name for everything! And don’t you dare deny anything, Duo would never whore himself for money unless he really needs it, besides, you know how he looks! Didn’t it ever occur to you that he really, really needs that money and protection? Maybe he needed your friendship just as badly! Maybe, after all those bad things, he wanted a single friend! You’re the one who’s used him, Heero!”  
          Heero struggled with something, but pushed it down, he pushed it all away and ignored Quatre’s words.  
          “He probably liked it,” he said, but the words sounded hollow to his own ears. Quatre huffed and turned on his heel, storming out with Trowa in tow.   
          “Where are you going?” Heero demanded. Quatre looked back at him with cold eyes.  
          “I’m going to do what you’re too chicken shit to do, I’m going to go find him.”  
   
   
   
          It was a miserable night for the whores, the freezing air making it impossible for them to flash their assets and they, instead, were bundled in warm sweaters and jeans instead of cropped tops and shorts. Few fish were biting, but Solo refused to give it up and go home. There were six of them on the street corner and they knew each other well. There was Shi with long blonde hair and red eyes who was bit too tall for the dominant circuit, but got a great business with the subs. His mother, father, and little brother had died in a car crash and he had been sent to live with his grandfather. After being raped by the man, he had had enough and fled to the streets. Amaaya was the only girl with them tonight, tall like Shi, but almost painfully beautiful with her long black hair and deep blue eyes, her only flaw was a scar that ran down her tan back. No one knew where she had come from, one day she had just shown up and she had been there ever since. There were the twins, Alex and Aluxiel, who did a great business with those looking for threesomes and those who were into incest. They were fraternal, Alex had long black hair, one blue eye, another gold, no doubt a product of a birth defect that Solo saw every now and then. Aluxiel had the same defect, with one red eye and one green, his hair short and spiky, died to match his eyes. They had been chased from their home when they had fallen in love with each other. Next to Solo was Hi and Yuki, neither ever said much and Hi’s deep red hair and Yuki’s ebony locks contrasted each other in dark. Hi’s wife had died a few years ago and he had resorted to whoring to feed his four year old twins. Yuki was like Amaaya, no one knew what his story was, he was just there (1).  
It always amused Shi how Solo was the youngest, but he acted like the pack leader. It was unusual for prostitutes to stick together like they did, but they lasted longer this way. None of their stories were new or unique; they heard them from other pros hundreds of times. It was just the way of the world; it was easier to sell your body to sex than any other labor.   
          Tonight had been slow and freezing and they were the only ones left out in the cold, all the rest had gone to find shelter. But, they weren’t out here to make money, they were waiting for someone. Solo stared down the street, into the darkness, waiting for a familiar figure to emerge. One of these nights, Solo knew that he wouldn’t see him, a constant fear, but at the rate the kid was going, it was a sure thing.   
          There was something wrong with Duo, anyone could see that, and for Solo, it was beyond disturbing. He had thought that there was nothing left that could happen to his friend, but something bad had happened and now… it was like being with a corpse. He wasn’t going to school, Solo knew that. Wes was obviously taking advantage of that to run Duo ragged. The longhaired boy just shuffled from job to job until late at night where he would meet Solo and stare off into space until he eventually went home. Solo doubted that he was sleeping, and if he was, it wasn’t restful because each time he saw him he looked more and more weary. His eyes… his eyes looked so dead, hollow. Duo had always had a tired, half dead look to him, but whatever had happened had brought him all the way down. Solo couldn’t imagine what had happened to make Duo give up school and any semblance of life in his pretty violet eyes, but he didn’t like it one bit. Even the others noticed it and they weren’t around Duo as much as Solo was. Solo knew that one night, Duo would just stop showing up and he would be reading about him in the paper the next day, killed by a john or himself. He didn’t want to think that of his friend, but there was a hopeless look to him now that told Solo that suicide was definitely on his mind. He just seemed so _broken_ now. That asshole, Wes, had better not have done anything to him! Of course, not even Solo was brave enough to challenge Wes Maxwell, no one was. He had seen him coming and going with that bull of a partner of his, Chris. He wasn’t sure who was more dangerous, the large, violent brunette or the sociopath blonde. Wes had been around longer than Solo had and, before meeting Duo, he had only known him by reputation. In his old gang there had been rumors about a pimp and drug runner named Wes that had a thing for little boys and was the most vicious man in the whole state, if not the whole New England sector. To Solo’s knowledge, Duo was the only whore he had had living with him, though he didn’t know for sure what that meant for Duo. It was no wonder his friend was so worn down, with other pimps there were rules, boundaries that their customers had to follow, Duo had none. Wes had more of a ‘if the price is right’ mentality and didn’t really care what they did to Duo, as long as they paid for it. After seeing what Wes was doing to Duo, Solo was glad that he didn’t have a pimp. It was hard getting jobs, but it seemed safer. Then there were the ‘session’ Duo had with both Wes and Chris. Whoring yourself was bad enough but giving it up for free to two brutes was just disgusting.   
          It was well past midnight, but Solo was finally able to breath in relief when Duo emerged from the shadows, walking slowly because of his vision, his head down. Solo winced at his bedraggled hair, bruises on his neck and wrists, and the sharp smell of semen on the boy. Shi and Solo shared a look as Duo walked slowly over to them. Solo hoped that it wasn’t drugs again. He knew that Wes had forced him to take them a few times and that Duo had had a bad reaction to them every time. He hated seeing him like that; he had been somewhere between a walking corpse and a beaten puppy. He was thin and listless, like before, but solo didn’t think that it was drugs.  
          Duo was still favoring his side, something that Solo strated to notice a week ago, and from the careful way he was walking, one of his customers had been rough with him. Duo stood next to Solo, mumbling ‘hi’ and stared off into space as he always did.   
          “Alright, what’s wrong with you?” Solo finally asked. The other six paid a much attention to the conversation without giving any evidence that they were eavesdropping. Duo looked at Solo numbly.  
          “There’s nothing wrong with me,” he said. Solo snorted.   
          “That’s bullshit! I remember how hard you fought Wes to go to school and now you’re just giving up on it?!”  
          “That’s right,” Duo said stubbornly. Solo narrowed his eyes at him.  
          “And what about that new friend of yours? Did you just give up on him, too?”   
          Solo instantly regretted his questions when some dark emotion came into Duo’s eyes. It was even more disturbing watching Duo struggle to put his shields back up, the darkness covered with dullness once more.   
          “I didn’t give up on him,” Duo said in a chocked voice that belied his expression, “I just fucked up, that’s all.”  
          “How?” Yuki dared to ask. Solo glared at him, worried that Duo would stop talking if the others interfered, but Duo appeared to not notice that it was Yuki and not Solo that had spoken. It was as though he _needed_ to talk.  
          “I hurt him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I BETRAYED him!” Duo screamed. Solo watched in amazement as the dam broke. It was a physical thing, Duo seemed to crumble in on himself as he cried. Solo wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tightly. He gave the rest of them a stern look over Duo’s head not to approach. Duo was like a wounded deer at the best of times, perpetually ready to run, now he was damaged and fragile.  
          “It’s all my fault,” Duo struggled with his speech, “he was so _kind_ to me and I fucked it all up! I’m such a _bastard_! Why… Oh, god,” Duo dissolved into incoherent mumblings.   
          “Ssh,” Solo soothed, “just tell me what happened.”  
          “There’s this guy at school, Zechs. Ever since middle school he’s been after me, teasing me, bullying me… I got so sick of it! This year, he said that he’d stop if I let him have sex with me. I said yes. I mean, I’ve done worse for a lot less!” Duo’s speech was rambling, but Solo caught every terrible word.  
          “But then I met Heero… he was so nice to me… and I didn’t deserve it! I couldn’t fuck Zechs anymore. He approached me with this blonde with these cold brown eyes… They had a picture of me and Zechs. Zechs said he was going to tell Heero if I didn’t do the both of them, so I did! But they lied and Heero… Heero saw _everything_!” Duo sobbed into Solo’s shirt.   
          “Oh, Duo,” Solo murmured and stroked the shorter boy’s hair.   
          “He hates me,” Duo whispered, “Oh, god, Solo, he hates me so much!”   
          “Then fuck him!” Shi snarled, “And don’t give us any of that ‘I don’t deserve him’ crap! You’re a sweet kid and if he can’t see that, _he_ doesn’t deserve _you_! It’s not your fault, it’s those two shit heads who tricked you!”   
          Duo rubbed at his red eyes.   
          “But, he was always out of my league. I _knew_ that and I still tried to be friends with him! I never should have let it happen! Instead, I pretended we were equals and I hurt him! How is that fair? Trading his happiness for some stupid illusion of normalcy… What I did was much worse than what Zechs and that… British ass did!”  
          Duo started to shake. Alex put a hand on his shoulder.  
          “Did he make you happy?” Alex asked. Duo nodded.  
          “More than I’ve ever been in my entire life,” he murmured, “when I was with him, I actually felt good!”   
          Alex smiled at him.  
          “Then it was worth it.”   
          “I can’t believe that,” Duo said, “you didn’t see his face. He has so few friends and I betrayed him.”  
          “But that’s no reason to quit school,” Hi protested. Duo struggled out of Solo’s arms.  
          “There was no point in going in the first place,” he said, his tone flat, “I was just wasting time. Hell, my whole life has been one big waste of time! There’s no way I could go back there and face him anyway. It’s over,” he gave Solo a devastatingly fake smile, “sorry about losing it, but, I feel better now,” he lied, “I’ve gotta go h-,” Duo choked on the word ‘home’, because his mind supplied a different image than Wes’ apartment, “I’ve just got to go. Long day tomorrow,” he started to walk away.  
          “Duo, goddamn it, talk to me!” Solo snapped, but Duo never looked back. He just kept walking until he realized that he couldn’t remember the street name. He had been down this street a thousand times; it was where he and Solo always met, but for some reason, he couldn’t remember the name of the street, though he knew that he had known it before. He shook his head and kept walking. It didn’t matter. He disappeared into the night.   
   
          Snow started to fall and Solo knew that it was time to go home, for all of them. Anger surged in him. Anger at those two boys for using his friend like that. Anger at Duo for running away instead of trying to work things out with both Heero and himself. Anger at his own self for being so helpless.   
          “What do you want to do?” Shi asked, his crimson eyes dark with suppressed fury. Solo smirked.  
          “Tomorrow, we go hunting.”  
          “And how are we going to do that?” Aluxiel asked. “We have no idea what those two guys look like!”   
          “Of course we do,” Amaaya said, “we know that one of them is blonde, has brown eyes, and a British accent. Someone like that should be fairly easy to find,” she said with a mean glint in her blue eyes. Shi grinned ferally and stretched his arms above his head (2).  
          “Tomorrow’s shapin’ up to be a wonderful day!” he cheered.  
   
          Fuck Solo, why did he always have to pry?   
          The second that Heero had fled, Duo had shut down. It was something that he had tried to do when Wes had raped him, but had failed. But now, for some reason, it had worked. Or, it had until Solo had started to pry and then the walls had come tumbling down. His emotions had come flooding back like a tidal wave and he could no longer get Heero out of his head, his beautiful blue eyes, the same eyes that he had fallen in love with, and that terrible disgust and hate that filled them that day.   
          Duo ran a hand against the brick wall next to him. Tears started to build in his chest and he bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, hoping to use the pain to keep his turbulent emotions at bay, but it was no use. He rubbed at his eyes, trying to ignore the tears that he couldn’t stop from falling.  
      Why wouldn’t those hurt blue eyes leave him alone? Why couldn’t he stop thinking about Heero and why did he care? It didn’t matter, it was over. It never would have worked out anyway, he was a whore, always would be. Why had he even bothered being friends with Heero at all? Friends didn’t lie or hide things from each other. How had he thought things would end any differently? Because, though he was loathe to admit it, Alex had hit the nail on the head. When he had been with Heero, he had truly been happy. He was disgusting. Heero had thought that their friendship would be a permanent thing, but Duo had always been waiting for the axe to drop and that hadn’t been fair to Heero. He had been waiting for something like this to happen, always on edge, always stressed because this sort of thing _always_ happened to him, so why did it hurt so much? The sickest part was that, he had been so happy with Heero, he didn’t regret any of it. He felt ad about hurting him, but he didn’t want to take a second of it back, how wrong was that!   
          He still yearned to be with his former best friend, even though he knew things were over. He didn’t know what to do besides go on, even if he didn’t want to. He couldn’t go back to school. He had meant everything that he had said to solo. There was no point in going back there. He had lived his whole life in the gutter, he didn’t know anything else. He could read all the texts in the world, take every test, get the best grades, it wouldn’t change anything. And if he did go back to school, all he would be was a slut that had hurt Heero Yuy, who deserved so much more than trash like him. What would be the point? Normalcy was dead. He doubted that anyone would notice his absence. Perhaps Heero would, but only because he was mad. The anger would fade and so would any other feelings for him. To Heero, Duo would be dead and that hurt, right down to the bone, because, as much as it hurt being hated, being forgotten y the boy he loved was so much worse.   
    He kept coming back to him, he kept thinking about Heero, even when he was letting some stranger have sex with him, though he hated having that world intruding in on his memories of the best friend he had ever had. He couldn’t understand it. He had been with hundreds of men, some of them very good looking, so why now? Why Heero? What made him so special? He wished that he had a normal life. Hell, even being a stupid little gay boy with a silly, impossible crush seemed normal considering his current lifestyle. All he wanted was to be with Heero. How could such a simple ting be so impossible? He wanted to not hurt him… he wanted to make Heero feel how the blue-eyed boy made him feel, but that was so laughable, even before Heero had found out. How could he ever care about him now? He didn’t think he would ever get that image out of his head, Heero’s disgust… and that slap, nothing had ever hurt so much.   
    He had never asked to be in love, how could he? What use was love to him? Even when he was being raped, he could pull himself back together, but he had tried _so hard_ and he didn’t think he would ever be that person again. He had thought that had made him strong, being able to keep going despite the violence, but now he knew that he was just weak because of his own emotions. It was his body betraying him all over again. He couldn’t pull himself together. He tried grasping for strength, but there was none there. How had one boy destroyed him so completely? He didn’t want this! But, at the same time, he didn’t want to stop loving Heero, he didn’t want to ever forget how he made him feel. But it was so useless. Heero knew everything now and he would never care for him again. And he was too much of a coward to just _end_ it, always hoping for one last glimpse of those blue eyes that would never come.   
    How could he ever have thought that he was capable of pulling through? Things were so hard now, just waking up, let alone the sex. Just the thought of letting Wes have sex with him made him want to jump out of his skin, but he felt so helpless and it was all Heero’s fault. He had felt so safe with him. Truly safe! He remembered that first night when Heero had held him. Nothing could have hurt him, or at least, that’s what he had thought then. But now, any feeling of safety was gone, he felt as though the entire world had disappeared from under his feet. It seemed so impossible, going on while feeling that way, but he did, he always did, even if it was just one big lie.   
    All this time, living Heero had been like trying to reach the sky when his feet were rooted to the ground. Though he hated to admit it, Heero had hurt him, but he didn’t hate him for it. Logically and emotionally, he knew that he should, at the very least, have been mad about Heero hitting him, but he didn’t feel any animosity towards him, he didn’t feel anything except a sort of deep sadness that seemed to want to swallow him whole. It felt so heavy, like a constricting ball of iron around his heart. He couldn’t call himself Heero’s friend, but he didn’t hate him. It was awful, but he did still consider Heero his friend, even though Heero clearly didn’t feel the same way. Something cold hit his cheek. He looked up into the black sky and saw tiny snowflakes falling. It was freezing on his tear stained face and he felt so tired… he should go back to the apartment, he thought, but he didn’t move as he slumped against the brick wall.   
    More sobs built up in his chest and he yearned to release them, but he dug his nails into his palms and slammed the back of his head into the wall. He hated this… He didn’t want to feel anything. He just anted to be nub. But, no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, his heart kept hurting.  
   
          It amused Solo to no end how Shi resembled a lion more than a human. With his long golden hair and intense crimson eyes, not to mention his impressive height, he certainly did look like a male lion. He was a bit overprotective and definitely ferocious and with the knowledge that someone had messed with Duo and hurt him badly, he seemed more feral. It hadn’t surprised Solo one bit when it was Shi who had found the mysterious blonde boy Duo had talked about. It was probably one of the least intelligent things the pack of friends had ever done, but they ended up covertly following the boy that Shi had found all day until became dark and the streets became empty. When he disappeared into a grocery store, all six of them waited by the entrance. The snow from last night had continued all day, though it was still only a thin layer on the ground, and almost no one was outside.   
          “Are you sure this is the right guy?” Solo asked. He was just as pissed as Shi was, but he wasn’t into doing violence for violence’s sake.   
          Shi nodded.  
          “Blonde hair, brown eyes, English accent. I’ve never seen him around before.”  
          Solo snorted.  
          “Only ‘respectable people’ go to this part of town,” Solo spat out the words like a curse, “so for all you know, he could a been born here!”   
          “Why don’t we just get Duo and ask him if this is our guy?” Alex asked. Solo rolled his eyes.  
          “Because I don’t want to get him involved and he’d tell _us_ not to get involved.”  
          “Even if he is our guy, is it a good idea for all of us to be here? Is it even a good idea to be going after this guy at all?” Hi questioned, “With what you’re planning, he’s going to know that Duo’s involved and attack him for it!”   
          “He deserves whatever we do to him for what he did to Duo!” Solo snarled, “Besides, no one knows where Duo is except for us and _we’re_ not telling!”   
          “But what about Zechs?” Aluxiel asked, “He started the whole thing.”   
          “As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as Zechs has hurt Duo, he didn’t do anything to him that any of our johns haven’t done to us a thousand times,” Shi said. Solo bit his lip, wanting to protest that Zechs hadn’t known that Duo was a whore when he had propositioned him but he realized that there was probably quite a bit of information missing from Duo’s story and stayed silent.   
          “Besides, according to Duo, Zechs has been doing him for months, but the second this guy shows up, shit happens. Zechs may have been involved, but I think that this guy was the brains of the outfit,” Shi grinned, “and I know that this guy is the one who fucked with Duo.”   
          “There’s no way you could possibly know that,” Hi said dryly.   
          “No? Ok, here are the facts: the dude we’ve been followin’s name is Alex Mueller, both he and Zechs are from England and went to school together, then Zechs’ parents got divorced and he and his mom moved here, shortly after that, Heero moved to that same school. Now, here’s a theory-,”  
          “Zechs and Alex were friends, then Heero came along, pissed Alex off somehow, so when Yuy moved here, Mueller followed him,” Amaaya realized, her eyes wide.   
          “Where he found out that Yuy was friends with our Duo and decided to use him to attack Yuy,” Solo finished, furious.   
          “That certainly helps explain what connects all four of them,” Hi mentioned.   
          “How the hell do you know all this?!” Solo demanded.  
          “Because I’m amazing,” Shi said smugly.   
          “Shi…,” Amaaya warned.   
          “Public library,” he admitted. The other six stared at him.   
          “What?” he asked.   
          “Who let _you_ into a library?” Solo asked, shocked.   
          “How did you know where to _find_ a library?” Hi murmured.   
          “Hey!” Shi snapped.   
          “Actually,” Alex whispered to his brother, “that was pretty clever, none of us thought of it.”  
          “I still don’t get how you found all that stuff,” Aluxiel mentioned. Shi grinned.  
          “Through the amazing, privacy-destroying, publicly-accessible internet! Googling all their asses was a cinch, though Heero was obviously the easiest. You wouldn’t imagine all the sit I found on him!” Shi said cheerfully, but immediately sobered, getting a deadly look in his eyes, “look, the point is this bastard hurt Duo. You can fuck us and even eat us, but this guy went after Duo’s friendship with Heero. He found the one point where Duo was the most vulnerable and attacked him with it. He wanted to break him, just to hurt Heero, and he did! This fucker is going down. We all had a choice about this life, Duo didn’t. He’s better than us, he deserves better, not this shit! This guy’s got to pay for what he did.”   
          Solo nodded.  
          “I don’t care how rich he is or who he knows. He hurt my best friend and he’s not going to get away with it. I’ll understand if the rest of you back off, it’s your right. We all gotta protect ourselves, but I _have_ to do this,” Solo said.   
          Alex ran a hand through his long, black hair.  
          “We’re Duo’s friends, too, Solo.”  
          “Are you sure?”   
          The other six nodded. Solo smiled at them gratefully. They waited.  
   
            
          Alex came out of the grocery store with half a dozen bags in one arm and a pack of cigarettes in his other hand. He didn’t notice the seven people following behind him, jugging groceries in order to light a cigarette. Shi, showing his colors as a true predator, stalked his prey patiently, waiting for the perfect moment to strike while Solo was more anxious, brimming with made energy. Feeling a lot like a pack of wolves on a hunt, they stalked him for a few more blocks.   
          Alex moved in between the lights, hitting a large patch of shadow and passed by a narrow alley. Shi quickly but subtly, his sound hidden by the snow, moved forward, grabbing Alex by the back of his shirt and dragging him into the alley and sending cigarettes and groceries to the snow covered ground.   
          Alex never stood a chance as Shi slammed him into the wall pinning him so high that Alex’s feet no longer touched the ground. Shi was good two feet taller than Alex and much stronger than him, making it impossible for him to escape and even if he could, he still had six other very angry people stopping him. Alex stared into Shi’s eyes, terrified of the bloody fury he saw there, echoed on the other six’s faces.   
          “M-my wallet’s in my jacket pocket, please don’t hurt me,” Alex begged.   
          “Save your breath,” Shi spat, his grip tightening on his shirt, “we’re not here for your money.”  
          Solo walked up to them, crushing the cigarettes under his worn boot with a look of disgust.   
          “Don’t you know that these things can kill you?” he sneered at the frightened blonde.   
          “What do you people want?” Alex demanded. He suddenly noticed Amaaya and his eyes turned heated, traveling up her tans legs to her very short skirt. The look quickly vanished as Shi slapped him across the face.  
          “Mind your eyes,” he snarled. Alex glared at him.  
          “Let me go!” he snapped, then froze as Shi suddenly grinned.  
          “And what are you going to do about it? Scream? Go ahead!” he leaned in close and whispered in Alex’s ear, “How does it feel to be completely helpless? To have your life, your happiness in the hands of some asshole?” he hissed cruelly. Alex stared at him with wide eyes.  
          “You can’t do this…” Alex protested as though he couldn’t believe what was happening.   
          “You hurt someone very special to me,” Solo said as he approached, “you messed with the wrong person.”  
          Alex narrowed his eyes at him.  
          “I have no idea what you’re talking about!”   
          “Duo Maxwell!” Shi hissed, “We know what you did to him!”   
          Alex examined Solo and gave him a superior, dirty look.  
          “Don’t worry about it,” he sneered, “no humans involved. He’ll get over it, all you people do, if you can even call yourselves that. You act like I committed a crime! I was just saving Yuy some time. Someone like him should never be involved with trash like you! You can’t hurt something that has no soul!” Alex suddenly cried out as Shi slammed his head into the wall.   
          “No soul?!” Solo snarled, “The only person here without a soul is you!” his green eyes were like emerald fire as he glared at the trapped boy, “But, I’ll show you just how much of a soul we’ve got. We’re better than you, so I’ll give you a chance. Leave Duo alone and we’ll leave you alone, don’t, and the next thing you see will be the inside of a hospital.”   
          Alex laughed.  
          “You wouldn’t dare!”   
          Shi narrowed his red eyes at him and released him. Alex fell to his knees and glared at the taller boy, but as he rose to his feet, he didn’t dare do anything. He snorted in annoyance and started to shove past the longhaired blonde, but Shi grabbed him by his neck and slammed his knee into his gut. Alex yelped in pain and fell back to his knees. He stared up Shi with wide, disbelieving eyes.   
          “Kids today, no respect,” Shi said with a grin, “not too bright, either. We never bluff,” he whispered. He turned to Solo.  
          “Want to do the honors?”  
          Solo cracked his knuckles.  
          “Gladly.”  
   
   
   
          Quatre and Trowa returned the Yuy home with their tails between their legs. It was early morning and Heero had already gone to school. Twelve hours… twelve hours they had spent searching for Duo and they had nothing to show for it. When a visual search had failed, they had started asking around, but that had turned out to be just as futile. No one knew where Duo lived or where he went to, where he worked, there was no information of any kind. Once school was over, it was like he just disappeared. It was like trying to track a ghost. Furthermore, it seemed impossible that a boy that they had befriended had so few tracks. A sinister voice in the back of Quatre’s mind told him that it was possible that Heero was right, that Duo’s whole intent was to use him. It wouldn’t be the first time someone had appeared out of the abyss with no records to try to hurt the Yuy family, but Quatre knew that that wasn’t the truth. He had met Duo, he had looked into his eyes and spoken with him and he knew that Duo was different. The only one who had betrayed anyone was Heero, but even Quatre couldn’t bring himself to blame him.   
          Name was waiting for them as they came into the door, her eyes hopeful.   
          “Any luck?”  
          Trowa shook his head.  
          “There’s nothing. No one’s seen him since he ran away and no one knows where he lives.”  
          Name’s hopeful expression fell.      
          “I see,” she murmured. She looked at Quatre with thoughtful black eyes, “While you were gone, I decided to do some digging on my own.”         
          Quatre stared at her in shock.  
          “What do you mean?”   
          “I looked through his files,” she said, “his address, telephone number, his father’s name, every little bit of information I could find on him.”  
          Quatre smiled brightly.  
          “Then you know where to find him!”  
          “No,” Name said, efficiently cutting off any hope the blonde had, “it’s all fake. His address doesn’t exist, everything in his records is a lie. Duo Maxwell doesn’t exist.”  
          “Yes he does!” Quatre cried, shocking her, “Maybe not to the rest of the world, but to us, to Heero, he exists! And just because you can’t find anything on him doesn’t mean that he was trying to hurt you and Heero!”  
          Name smiled sadly.  
          “I know that. I don’t believe that Duo was trying to hurt us anymore than Heero does, not really, anyway,” she said in a soft voice, “it was easy to believe that at first, but just the thought of Duo selling himself to that boy… it makes me too sick inside. I keep seeing his sad eyes and, as mad as I am about how much pain Heero’s in, I can’t believe the worst about Duo.”   
          “What can we do, then?” Quatre asked, feeling truly helpless for the first time in his life. Name sighed and ran a hand through her short black hair.  
          “We keep looking until we find him,” she said with conviction, “whether he intended to get money out of Heero or not, Duo’s still a kid, and he’s in trouble. When we _do_ find him, then I’ll get the truth. Until then, I’m not assuming anything.”  
          “And what if it turns out that the worst is true?” Trowa asked.  
          “I don’t know,” Name admitted, “I’ve been in the most stressful business negotiations and crises that you could imagine, but this is much worse and I… I just don’t know what to do.  
   
            
          Quatre and Trowa spent the rest of the day worrying about Duo and Heero under the guise of watching TV, but neither was fooling the other. Name had left that morning to go oversee a new factory that was opening in Massachusetts, so when Heero came home at two, it was just the three of them. Against Quatre’s better judgment, he approached Heero as the dark haired boy was hanging his snow covered jacket on a kitchen chair to dry.   
          “We couldn’t find Duo,” Quatre told him.  
          “I don’t care,” Heero said dully, but Quatre saw the sparks in his eyes at his ex-best friend’s name; he wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not, though.   
          “Your mother seemed to care,” Trowa mentioned. Heero remained silent.   
          “Do you really think that Duo betrayed you?” Quatre asked.   
          “What else is there to think?” Heero said bitterly, his heart burning with each mention of Duo’s name.   
          “Your mother doesn’t think that way anymore-,”  
          “Well, then she’s an idiot!” Heero exploded, “and so are all of you!”   
          “Are you angry for a real reason or just because it hurts too much to feel anything else?” Quatre asked heatedly, getting in Heero’s face.   
          “Shut up!” Heero demanded.  
          “It’s just like your dad; instead of dealing with your sadness, you just got pissed off and took it out on everything else.”  
          “My father has nothing to do with Duo Maxwell!” Heero roared, forcing Quatre to take a step back and Trowa tensed, ready to protect him, “so don’t you even dare _mention_ them in the same sentence!” Heero pushed past them and stormed up the steps to his room. Quatre gave Trowa a worried look.  
   
            
          The snow of Sunday night continued on through Monday and Tuesday until it was replaced on Wednesday night by a terrible thunderstorm. The rain was so heavy that it made driving impossible and ponds overflowed. The entire town lost power as the wind and lightning knocked down power lines and the chilly air turned the snowy ground into treacherous ice.  
          The power outage hit every house equally and when Heero awoke at 3:12 am, it was pitch black in his room, save for the red glow of his battery powered clock. He stared at it for a few minutes, dumbly, before it came to him what was going on. He closed his eyes and struggled to go back to sleep but in between thinking about what Quatre had said yesterday and the thunder, sleep refused to com. He sighed and rolled out of bed. He placed a hand on the wall and started to navigate out of the bedroom. Lightning flashed, filling the hallway with bright light only long enough to cast long shadows, then the shadows grew to darkness once more. He suddenly realized that Duo’s power was out, too, and wondered if he was awake and listening to the thunder, too. He quickly dismissed the thought, but the tight-stomach feeling the thought gave him didn’t go away. As he moved down the long hallway, his knee hit a table and he swore, but kept going. He fell into a habit he had had as a child: counting the seconds between thunder and lightning to see if it was getting closer or moving away.   
          Thunder… one, two, three, four, five… lightening. Heero blinked in the darkness, the storm was really close.  
   
   
          3:12 am, Duo awoke in blackness. His eyes searched blindly in the dark. His heart started to race as he realized that he couldn’t see the window, either. He never slept with the lights on only because Wes would never allow it, though if Duo had his way, there would always be a light on. The darkness always made him feel anxious and the anxiety made his nightmares worse; more horrific, more real. However, even when it was dark, he could always see the city lights through the window, but tonight there was nothing, absolutely nothing. He could feel the soft sheets under his naked body, could feel Wes’ hard muscled form pressed against his back and his arm wrapped around his waist, he could feel the dried semen on his thighs, or was it blood? He couldn’t remember. He could feel Wes’ hot breath on his neck, the cold of the room, and hear his heavy breathing, but there was something wrong with his vision, something wrong with his eyes. His heart pounded and his head hurt with the thought of it. All these years as his vision got worse and worse, he had lived with the constant fear that he would one day wake up blind, and now he had. His gut clenched painfully and he curled in on himself.   
          ‘Please… no more… I can’t take anymore…’ he thought with an inaudible whimper, ‘first Heero, now this?! Can’t I keep just one little thing? Please… please…’  
          Bile rose in his throat at the thought of trying to live his life without his sight. It had been hard enough before his vision problems and it was hard enough now with his glasses and the blurriness, complete blindness seemed impossible. He wouldn’t even know how to cope, let alone survive.   
          Duo flinched almost completely off the bed as lightning flashed and filled the small room with white light. He felt tears prick his vision as relief overwhelmed him, but he pushed it down. He couldn’t believe how stupid he was! As usual, he had assumed the worst, because that was what he usually got. He shivered a little as he listened to the violent rain hitting the glass. Of course the power was out, he told himself, because the storm had been going on all day. It was for that reason that Wes had let him stay home. Of course, that had only meant that he was trading one hell for a worse one as Wes had been more than happy with a day filled with ‘bedroom exercises’. Now he was sore, exhausted, and his ass felt like it was on fire, so he wasn’t sure tromping around in the storm would have been any worse.  
          The room was cold and dry, a bad thing for his cough and Wes hated the sound, so he had suffered the last few hours trying to hold it in or get slapped. Now, however, Wes was asleep and as he lay on his side, he couldn’t help the fit. The silent room echoed with the wet, harsh sound He felt something wet coming out of his mouth and he wiped away the blood hastily.   
          The coughing subsided after a long few minutes, leaving him drained, but wide awake. He knew from experience that he wouldn’t be falling asleep again and rolled out from under Wes’ grip with a sigh that turned to a wince as his insides told him just how sore they were. Wes, always being a deep sleeper, only groaned in frustration at the absence of Duo’s soft, warm body, but kept sleeping.   
          Duo felt his way to the closet and pulled on a t-shirt, feeling the wall with one hand until he was out of the bedroom. He made his way to the kitchen and rooted around in the drawers until his fingers met with the rod shaped flashlight. He jumped at the sound of thunder and froze, counting the seconds until the lightning flashed. It was an old, childish game he and other street children had played during storms like this to keep their minds off of how scary it was out in the open with no shelter and how easy it would be to be struck by lightning or drown like the rats that they were.   
          One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten… flash. It was close. He clicked the button on the flashlight, but nothing happened. He swore. Wes wasn’t big on being prepared unless it was a way to get money. He knew that he could search all night and he wouldn’t find a single usable battery, but he knew for a fact that there were some candles and a lighter under the bathroom sink in a cupboard. He didn’t want to think about the reason why they had candles and no batteries or the other things that Wes stored in that cupboard. With another heavy sigh, he felt for the wall again and started to walk towards the bathroom.  
   
          A clap of thunder… one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… lightning filled the long hallway. The storm was moving away now. The brief lightning allowed Heero to see the hall closet where his mother had stored the emergency supplies. He felt around for the doorknob and opened the closet.  
          “Holy fuck!” he cried as he felt something hard whack him on the head and he stumbled, falling on his butt. What the hell had hit him?! His heart raced, waiting for another attack to come. Thunder boomed… one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, seven and a half… lightning filled the hallway and Heero stared dumbly at the mop sitting on the floor in front of him. He stood up and put the mop back into the closet, rolling his eyes at his own stupidity.  
          “Is everything ok?” he heard his mother call as he blindly searched for a flashlight. She had always been an incredibly light sleeper, o it was no surprise his yell had woken her up.  
          “Fine! I’m just getting a flashlight!” he called back. He remembered what Trowa had said about her not believing him, but he didn’t feel any anger at her at the moment. He should have been at her not taking his side in this, but he couldn’t help but think about what Quatre had said about anger. He snorted. It didn’t matter… he knew that he was right, he had to be.   
   
          Duo almost tripped on a towel on the floor as he entered the bathroom. He sighed and felt around on the ground for it, hanging it as best he could on the rack without actually seeing it. It was hard to imagine how a man who had to have every scheme planned out so perfectly in advance could be such a slob. The tiles were freezing under his bare feet and he walked carefully, feeling for any patches of water that he might fall from. There was a terribly loud clap of thunder and Duo found himself counting again. One, two, three, four, five… as lightning flashed, Duo cried out as he saw a pair of eyes staring back at him and he stumbled back, hitting the glass door of the shower. He fell to his knees, ready to fight or run if he had to when the lightning stopped and the bathroom became perfectly dark again. His heart lurched and adrenaline surged through him. He listened carefully, but he couldn’t hear the intruder. He jumped at the sound of thunder and counted, his heart racing with each second. One, two, three, four… light filled the room again and Duo sagged against the door as the only thing he could see was his own haggard, deathly pale reflection in the mirror, his wide, violet eyes looking back at himself. He felt hysterical laughter build up in his chest, but choked it down, knowing what that laughter would turn to if he let it start. There was another clap of thunder and he counted to three before he saw the lightning again. It was so close, soon it would be right on top of them.   
   
          After counting to fifteen, Heero knew that the storm was almost over, he just hoped that they would have power by morning. It was easy getting back to his room with the flashlight. Lightning flashed again and he looked out of his window. Rain was still pouring down and the snowy ground looked like crystal. The window was fogging over with how cold it was. Despite himself, he wondered where Duo was and if he was someplace warm like he was.   
   
          Duo held his hand over his mouth as he coughed and felt blood splatter onto his palm. Agony flared through his body and he crumpled to the ground, his muscles shaking in some sort of fit. He curled into a ball, wrapping his arms around his aching stomach. Everything hurt, inside and out. He didn’t want to think, he just wanted to sleep until everything stopped. He didn’t want to go back to bed with Wes, he didn’t want the man to touch him ever again! He could smell the man’s scent on his own body, like he was marked. His skin felt like it had been stretched thin and he just wanted to tear it all up and watch himself bleed. It was like an itch or compulsion. He wanted to be somewhere warm, where this place and his life didn’t exist. He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt tears starting to break through his defenses.    
          ‘Is Heero still mad?’ he wondered feverishly. Lightning flashed, but he hadn’t heard the thunder.  
          ‘Can I go home now?’  
   
   
          That night Duo left the apartment with Wes still sleeping none the wiser. He went out into the storm and walked, Toby, Patches, Cotton, Cassy, and Angel were taking shelter in his duffle bag and Sammy and Shiva were wrapped up in his coat. As he walked away from the apartment, he didn’t look back, he didn’t dare. He had no idea where he was going and at the moment, he didn’t care. He just needed to get away, he needed to see Heero.  
  
End Part 1  
  



	7. Chapter 5: Missing Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo gets into serious trouble when Wes finally finds him. Will Heero be able to get past his anger at Duo to save him from Wes' cruelty, or will Duo completely break for Wes' punishment?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 5  
Part 2  
  
  
  
    By Thursday, both snow and rain had stopped and the sun had finally come out. The good weather lasted the entire weekend. True to her word, Name, Quatre, and Trowa never stopped looking for Duo, but they never found him. Heero went to school as always, holing himself in his room during the weekends playing video games and surfing his computer, pretending that his two friends and mother weren’t out looking for Duo.  
          Duo spent all Thursday walking, keeping an eye out for Wes and his business partners, which was a lot harder than he had thought, but he had managed to keep out of sight. He felt like he had gone back in time, ducking from police and pimps, stealing food and money, looking for someplace warm to hide in. It wasn’t until Friday morning that he found the perfect place.  
          He had been trying to stay away from the school and any place where Heero might be, but it was like some sort of gravity, drawing him closer and closer, needing to see him. Finally, he gave up trying to resist, though he still stayed away from the school. Elm Street was a ghost street. Years ago, the town had tried to build apartments there, but it hadn’t worked out and the apartments had been abandoned. There had been talk of demolishing them in favor of a mall, but the town had yet to make any plans. The complex was out of the way, yet overlooked most of the town. Trees had stopped being cleared and grew around the building, making it hard for anyone to see the balconies. All of the fire escape ladders were rusted and impossible to extend, but Duo was more than resourceful and managed to scale the building up to one of the balconies; hidden by under kept ivy and branches. It wouldn’t be very dry when it rained, but it kept him out of sight and allowed him to watch the people below. It made him feel like a little kid again, hiding in ‘secret fortresses’ and watching the world go by as he lived alone, only, he had his cats. He spent most of his time sitting on the hard stone of the balcony, watching the world through the metal bars. He would leave only during the morning, to steal and pickpocket, and late at night to shop for some food and water.  
          Wes had yet to give up on him and Duo was surprised that no one had thought to think of his little hideout. It made him want to laugh with glee and triumph at how easily he had thwarted him. He found himself aching to go back to the apartment, terrified of punishment and trying to find means to survive, but at the same time, he reveled in his freedom. He was still sick, but he had gone a whole twenty four hours without servicing anyone and that wanted to make him scream with joy.  
          It sounded like a fairytale, him living high up on an ivory tower away from those that wanted to hurt him with his little furry family, stealing from the middle class to feed themselves, but he knew that it wasn’t. He knew that this was only a vacation, he couldn’t live up here forever. Sooner or later, Wes and his thugs would find him and then it would be all over. It hardly seemed worth it, the price that this little respite was going to cost him in the end, but then he had discovered something worth while. Stealing from people wasn’t always a sure thing either. If he got arrested, he couldn’t imagine what the Yuy family would do to him, he was rather surprised that the goon squad hadn’t arrived already, or an assassin. He snorted. More likely, Name thought trash like him wasn’t worth the effort. Stealing was hard just to find targets and was far too risky.  
           Friday, Duo spotted him. He had been keeping an eye on the school that was so very near the building, and he had finally spotted him. His heart clenched, seeming to be stuck between freezing completely and racing. Heero… it had been over two weeks since he had left school forever and the pain of it still hurt just as much as the second it had happened. It had been so long since he had seen him, it felt like years, yet when he spotted him, he realized that he still loved him just as much, no, more, and the vision made him want to cry. The Japanese boy was wearing a leather jacket and jeans, though Duo was too far away to tell if he was frowning or smiling as he stepped out of his Jaguar, Duo could still see his lovely blue eyes. Then, he did cry.  
   
          It was Monday and Duo was waiting for Heero to come to school once more. He had seen him coming and going Friday and; there must have been a soccer game or something, Saturday as well. Each time he was overwhelmed with the urge to see him or yell, just to see those beautiful blue eyes to meet his again, but he was too scared. His little Sammy and Shiva were curled up on his lap and his hands stroked over their silken fur. He hadn’t gone out since Friday, he didn’t dare once he realized that he could see Heero and didn’t want to miss him. He had enough food and water for the cats, but he was hungry, but didn’t care. He could last a few more days without going out. He would go when Heero was still at school, when he knew that he wouldn’t be able to see him. Patches was gone hunting, how she had gotten off the balcony, he didn’t know, but she had been disappearing since Friday. She had been sick for weeks and he hadn’t figured out why until now when he had noticed her gaining weight. His little baby was pregnant… he shook his head. It was hard enough feeding the adult cats, but kittens? He knew that Patches would make a good mother and would take care of the babies, but he still worried. It was getting colder and colder and he knew from experience that only one or two street kittens lived from a litter. She would reappear sometime in the night, as she always did; she always managed to find him.  
          The air was starting to get cold again and Duo was sure that by the end of the week, it would be snowing. He didn’t know what he was going to do if it did. There was little to no shelter here and it was insanely lucky that it hadn’t rained or snowed yet and if it did, they would get buried. He would have to move, but right now, this balcony was all he had.  
          Duo watched Heero leave the school with a heavy heart. He hated this part of the day, it meant that he wouldn’t be able to see him until the next day. He wrapped his arms around his knees and looked through the bars, down to the overgrown courtyard below, but instead of green grass and the stone fountain caked with moss, he could only see furious gray eyes.  
   
           
          Heero was seriously considering putting a poster on the ceiling over his bed, one with words, lots and lots of words, with all the night he had spent lately, looking up there, thinking and unable to sleep, it would go a long way to keeping him sane. His mind couldn’t stop, no matter how tired he was. He kept thinking about, even though he tried not to. He told himself that Duo didn’t deserve his thoughts, but he invaded them anyway. He was right to be mad at Duo. His supposed best friend had his something huge from him. He obviously hadn’t trusted him. And what other reason could a boy like Duo befriended him except for the money? So, why did his anger feel so hollow? He kept remembering that the first thing he had felt that day when he had seen Zechs and Duo having sex was not anger at being betrayed or even suspicion of Duo’s previous actions, but anger and jealousy at Zechs for touching Duo’s bare body, and how _beautiful_ he had looked. The self righteous anger had only come after. Heero looked at his hand. He had hit him. That was one of the things that he regretted. Even if he had been furious, he shouldn’t have struck him. And that look on Duo’s face… it haunted him. He had looked so shocked.  
          Heero found himself looking back over his and Duo’s friendship for any clue that he had been using him, but to his surprise, he couldn’t find any. Duo had struggled against him at first, it had been Heero, not Duo, that had insisted on the friendship. How had Duo known that he was going to take a liking to him or had he created the plan afterwards? Or maybe, Duo really had just been sick of Zechs’ bullying and Heero’s money hadn’t interested Duo at all. No, he couldn’t believe that, it made no sense. Duo was a bad person and that was why that had happened! He refused to believe that someone as beautiful and kind as Duo would have done something so terrible! He clenched at his pillow. He refused to believe that something bad could have happened to the Duo he had known. He hated being in this room sometimes, remembering how quietly Duo had slept and how much fun they had had, how hard he had fallen for him. He remembered the night he had stayed over, the very first night, and how he had told Heero that he didn’t have many friends. Bad person or not, he must have been lonely. Heero remembered all those times away from Quatre and Trowa before meeting Duo and how hard it had been making the three friends he did have. He remembered how, right after his father’s death, he had felt so alone because his mother had been so broken up about it and there was no one else that could understand. He couldn’t bear to think of how Duo had felt, wrapped in his arms, it hurt too much. He rolled onto his side, facing away from the door. How was it possible to both hate and love a person this much He hated Duo for making him so vulnerable that it hurt this much, but he still wanted him. He hated him so much and he didn’t care about what Quatre had said, he was wrong. The room felt far too big without Duo and his air mattress in the middle of the room. He snorted. He had only spent two weekends there, but he had taken to calling it ‘Duo’s space’ and ‘Duo’s mattress’. It was sick, really, considering how Duo Maxwell would never be stepping a foot into this house again. He wondered, not for the first time, where Duo was. They had never talked about his home. There had been no offhand remarks; Heero didn’t even know what street he lived on or what kind of house he lived in. He wondered if he had gone straight home or if he had run away, if he was even in town anymore. He wondered if Duo’s father was worried about him. Duo certainly hadn’t told the man about what he had been doing with Zechs, Heero thought bitterly. He wasn’t worried about him, he told himself, he didn’t care where Duo had gone, he was just curious.  
          Heero tensed as he heard the door open and his mother’s familiar footsteps nearing the bed. He laid completely still, remembering when he was a child, he would do the same thing when she had checked up on him, not wanting her to know that he was still awake. He felt her sit at the edge of the bed and knew that she knew that he was awake, but stayed still. He heard her sigh.  
          “You know, sometimes it’s easier to believe that the people that we love are bad than to believe that they are the ones in trouble (3), because the more you love someone, the easier anger is, but sorrow and pain can tear you to pieces. Sometimes, we need to believe that they deserve the bad things instead of believing that they’re being hurt,” she said. Heero tightened his grip on the pillow.  
          “I don’t love him,” Heero murmured, but the words almost tore his heart in two, “you’re wrong.”  
          Name just stroked his hair and his vision swam with tears. He didn’t care what anyone had to say. They were all wrong.  
   
           
   
The sun was setting. The one half of the sky was lit up in a violet and gold fire as the sun set below the clouds. The other half of the sky was like Heero’s eyes; an incredible blue that was so deep, it looked like you could fall into the sky if you could only let go of the ground beneath your feet. The sunset was the last thing that Duo saw as Wes dragged him back to the apartment. He screamed and screamed, but people only stopped and stared, they didn’t come to his aid, they never did and never would, he had learned that a long time ago. No one in the world could help him, but he still screamed for it, the story of his life. He kept that close to his heart, even as Wes violently threw him into the apartment; the sight of the setting sun lighting up the sky and the thought of Heero’s beautiful blue eyes.  
   
          Duo made a small sound as Wes threw him against the wall and kicked him in the stomach. Duo curled up, ready for more blows to come, but Wes wrapped a hand around his throat and pinned him against the wall.  
          “What the fuck is the matter with you?!” Wes snarled, “Ever since you’ve been hanging out with that boy, things have been different, you’ve changed!”  
          “Heero has nothing to do with this!” Duo lied. Wes growled and backhanded him hard enough to make Duo’s eyes water.  
          “Don’t you fucking talk back to me! After all you’ve done, don’t you fucking dare!” Wes’ grip tightened around his neck threateningly.  
          “After all that I’ve done for you and you run away?! I told you what would happen, hundreds of times!”  
          Duo’s eyes widened.  
          “No… please, just let me go, I’ll disappear, you have other ones, I know you do! So please, just let me go!” Duo cried.  
          Wes stroked Duo’s reddening cheek, but his other hand stayed at his throat.  
          “And why would I want to do that?” he asked softly, “Why would I let the best thing in my life slip through my fingers?” Wes’ expression hardened, “And if I have to tie you to the goddamn bed to keep you here, then so be it!”  
   
           
   
          “Stop struggling!” Wes snarled as he tried to pin Duo to the bed with one hand and lock his ankles in restraints with the other. Duo knew that there was his way he was going to escape once the thick manacles were on him and tried to kick Wes, but the larger man managed to twist his body to keep him pinned and grabbed one of his ankles, closing the metal cuff around his thin ankle. Duo had never been in Wes’ bedroom, for which he was grateful now. There were cabinets against the wall and Duo had no desire to see what was in them. There was no window, leaving the room pitch black without the lamp on. Wes’ bed was bigger than his own and the frame was metal instead of wood and Duo could see why. There were four manacles attached to the bed with the chains rung through heavy rings and locks that could be adjusted by length. The bed itself was pretty comfortable, but without weapons and clothes, he had never felt more vulnerable. Wes finished securing his ankles and tugged the chains so Duo’s legs were spread wide, locking the chains in place.  
          “Please don’t do this,” Duo begged. ‘Can’t I keep just one shred of my dignity?’  
          Wes ignored him, reaching down on the ground and bringing up a restraint for his arms, a black sleeve with leather buckles and chain. Duo panicked and lashed out, managing a lucky punch to Wes chest, but the blonde just grunted angrily and grabbed Duo’s head, squeezing the back of his skull in a spot that sent hot agony through his brain and left him dazed. Wes slipped the sleeve over his arms and tied it tight, locking the chain to one of the rings so he couldn’t sit up.  
          Duo watched with broken, terrified eyes as Wes settled between his legs and lifted his hips a little.  
          “Wes, don’t…”  
          “Do you think that I like doing this?” Wes growled, spreading Duo’s ass cheeks with his hands, “You’ve forced my hand.”  
          Duo cried out as Wes thrust into him dry and raw. Tears prickled his vision, but he denied them, feeling blood trickle out of him with each brutal thrust. Duo could feel his anger with each violent push. His body rocked against the bed and his spread, bent legs ached for some sort of balance despite his bindings, his toes desperately digging into the sheets. His arms were completely useless, everything from his upper arms to his fingertips caught in the cloth.  
          Suddenly, Wes’ cock hit him deep inside and Duo cried out in a confused mix of pain and pleasure. Wes grabbed at his hips, grunting happily as Duo’s inner muscles clamped down on him. He tried to hold off his orgasm, wanting to enjoy the boy loner, but the silken heat squeezing his kick felt too good and he came inside of him.  
          Duo bit off a choked cry as he felt thick seed fill him. Wes groaned low in his throat as he emptied himself fully and slid out. Duo focused completely on controlling his breathing, which threatened to spiral out of control as he listened to Wes close the door behind him and go to the bathroom. Tears came again and this time he let them fall. His thigh muscles were already cramping and no matter how much he struggled, he couldn’t move an inch. He winced at the sickening feeling of cum pooling out of him, accompanied by the deep, burning sting of his torn insides. He always slept on his side, but he was so weary and found himself drifting off.  
   
   
          For once Duo had no dreams, though he didn’t know if it was because he had been so tired or if his mind just couldn’t take anymore. He awoke in complete darkness and for a moment, he forgot where he was and pulled against his bonds, but his memories soon returned to him and hysteria started to build. He thrashed uselessly, trying to free himself. Out, out, out, he had to get out! He choked on his sobs. He couldn’t live like this, chained up, alone in the dark, not seeing or hearing, just waiting for someone to come along and fuck him… Why couldn’t Wes just kill him and make all this go away Duo laughed hysterically. If only Heero could see him now! He’s have a great laugh; finally justice had been served, the whore chained up and fucked to death, safe away from anyone he could do damage to! Duo’s laughter quickly dissolved into violet sobs again. Heero… his Heero… if he had never found about him and Zechs, would he be with him right now, laughing, walking under the sun, or would that only have delayed the inevitable? Duo suddenly realized how much freedom Wes had given him before. He had never truly appreciated it, thinking it was such a terrible thing, but compared to where he was now, that had been wonderful! What had he done? Why had he run away? Why had he agreed to have sex with Zechs? He could have had the perfect life, but he had fucked it all up! Wes was right, he deserved this.  
           
“Why don’t you just kill him?” a familiar voice carried from the kitchen. Duo listened hard. He knew that voice, though he hadn’t heard it in a year. It belonged to a raven haired man named Stevens whose son he had Science and Music with. Duo had always wondered how Ross Stevens would react if he knew that his father was fucking his classmate during his ‘overtime’. Now he was obviously back for more.  
          “There’s no reason to kill him,” Wes snapped defensively, “I have everything under control.”  
          “I admit that he’s the best fuck I’ve had and it isn’t exactly easy finding that quality tail, but he tried to run away. What if he goes to the cops?” Stevens pointed out.  
          “He didn’t go to the cops,” Duo heard Chris say, “He just hid like a little lost kitty cat,” Chris laughed.  
          “Is this a solution, though? People are bound to notice a bunch of men coming and going and this place ain’t exactly sound proof,” Stevens said.  
          ‘As if anyone is going to investigate,’ Duo thought with disdain. Let them come and kill him, it was better than the alternative.  
          “This place could be burning to the ground and no one would notice,” Wes said with a snort, “and don’t worry about him running away, I’ll take care of it.”  
          Duo shuddered at the tone in Wes’ voice. He was sure that he would take care of him, alright, he could only imagine…  
          “You should just break him, easier to control,” Stevens said with a sort of sadistic glee that made Duo feel sick.  
          “Nah, once they’re broken it’s like fucking a doll and where’s the fun in that? Besides, this one doesn’t break, even after all this time,” Chris chuckled.  
          Not broken, were these men idiots? Couldn’t they see how easily he had broken? He didn’t have a single ounce of fight left in him. The three men continued to talk, but he zoned them out and continued to stare out into the dark room uselessly. He felt like he was going insane. He couldn’t move, he felt worn down into nothing. All he could do was lie and wait for the next torture.  
          Suddenly, the door swung open and Duo hissed in pain, turning his head quickly as the light from the hall burned his eyes and made them water. The door was closed, but kept open enough to let some light through. When Duo dared to look, he saw Chris, Stevens, and Wes.  
          “Hello, Duo,” Stevens said as he approached the bed. He had been one of the only men to use his first name and he couldn’t figure out why, but he hated it no matter the reason, “It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Did you miss me?” Stevens jeered.  
          Duo stared at him incredulously. He had catered to a lot of married men, but this was different. Prostitution was one thing, but this was torture, pure and simple. Duo didn’t think that all of his johns would have been able to stomach it, but Stevens didn’t seem the least bit bothered, which made Duo wonder what the man was like with his family.  
          “Aren’t you going to say ‘hi’?” Stevens asked, his eyes roaming over Duo’s exposed body. Duo blushed, but glared at him.  
          “Leave me alone,” he said half-heartedly. Stevens grinned, climbing onto the bed and straddling Duo’s hips. He reached out to Duo’s face and the longhaired boy flinched away, but Stevens grabbed his chin and stroked his cheek.  
          “So pretty,” he murmured, “every time I see you, you’re more and more beautiful. And now you’re all tied up with nowhere to go,” he licked his lips, “what shall I do with you first?”  
          “I thought you wanted to kill him?” Chris teased. Stevens smirked.  
          “I’m a weak man,” he admitted as he unlocked the chain to Duo’s right leg, throwing it over his shoulder and wrapping his arm around Duo’s thin thigh, rubbing their crotches together. Duo’s blush deepened and he turned his head away. He felt the man cover his entrance with lube and closed his eyes. He didn’t want this… Stevens swatted his lightly on the cheek, making Duo open his eyes in surprise.  
          “Pay attention,” he ordered, his eyes holding Duo’s. Stevens was annoyingly gentle as he penetrated him. Stevens watched, enraptured, as Duo’s eyes clouded over in the pleasure he had forced on him, but the violets were troubled, like a trapped animal. The boy was hot and tight as his body struggled against him and he happily sunk into him over and over, watching his expression closely as Duo tried not to show any indication that it made him feel good.  
          “Shit…,” Stevens groaned, “so good…”  
          Duo winced as the man’s thrusts became faster, rubbing against his torn insides more violently.  
          The black haired man came with a hoarse cry, his thick cum filling Duo’s body Stevens let go of Duo’s leg, now bruised because of his grip, and climbed off the bed, cleaning himself off with a bath towel that Wes handed him. Duo squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the wet, sticky mess under him. It stung and his muscles hurt. His chest felt like someone was sitting on it, but he didn’t dare cough while he was lying on his back. Choking on his own blood wasn’t something that he looked forward to.  
          “Are you going to keep him chained up for the rest of his life?” Stevens asked as he zipped up his pants. Duo blinked, his eyes confused in the mixture of the shadows and light from the hall. He had lost information again. One minute Stevens had held his leg and pressed against him, the next he had been thrusting into him, like a song missing a note, out of place, but not entirely important.  
          “I gave him a chance, _several_ of them,” Wes said gruffly.  
          Duo had always known the truth, that if he had ever gotten himself in this situation, it would be forever. He was going to die on this bed. He had known all that, but hearing Wes say it was terrible. Heero would have been strong, he would have fought and screamed until his throat was bloody. He wouldn’t have laid there and taken it. He wouldn’t have given up so easily. But, as much as the thought of Heero in this situation made him violently ill, he wasn’t Heero. He wasn’t strong or confident or beautiful. He had seen this situation coming down the road and he knew where that path led. Escape was hopeless. Even if he fought and fought and, through some miracle, won, they would be back over and over again until there was nothing left to take. What was the point in fighting if you could never win? For the glory of it? It was just him and Wes and his ‘father’ sure didn’t care about glory. He would never see the sky again, he could never escape Wes, he knew that now, so why did Wes’ words make him so angry?  
          “I never asked you to do this to me!” Duo heard himself snarl. He froze, Wes staring at him as though he had grown a tail. When was the last time he had spoken to Wes like that? He couldn’t remember, but it felt good, though terrifying. Wes quickly snapped out of his stupor.  
          “You ran away from me!” he snapped back. Duo was overcome with the realization of how ridiculous the situation was. He had only stood up to Wes a couple of times and here he was, arguing about something that didn’t really matter while he was naked and tied down. Stevens seemed to notice the mirth in it and laughed softly, but Wes didn’t find it funny at all.  
          “I just didn’t want your disgusting hands on me anymore!” Duo yelled, squirming against his bonds. Wes growled low in his throat like a bear. What he had said was the truth, but maybe if he pissed Wes off enough, he would beat him to death.  
          “Looks like your little pet needs to be retrained,” Chris said as he came back into the room and Duo realized that he had never noticed him leave. Chris handed Wes a syringe filled with a white solution and Duo panicked.  
          “No, you can’t do that!” he struggled vainly.  
          “What the hell is wrong with you” Wes hissed as he approached the bed, “you never used to act like this. I thought you were a good little boy, but as usual, I was wrong,” he placed a hand on his chest, pinning him down.  
          “I’m sorry!” Duo begged, “I’m so sorry, please don’t do this!”  
          “Sorry, sorry, sorry,” Wes mocked cruelly, “you always say that when you’re about to be punished, yet you continue to misbehave!”  
          Duo, his leg chain still unlocked, lashed out, catching the blonde on the side of the face. Wes snarled, grabbed Duo’s foot, and wrenched his head forward by his hair. He plunged the needle into the back of his neck, into his vertebrae.  
          Duo screamed as the poison mingled with his blood and invaded his brain.  
   
           
   
           
   
          KL6, it felt like being shot up with hot shards of razor blades. Wes had forced him to take everything from coke to crystal meth, but KL6 was something else entirely. It was Wes’ baby and he and Chris were the only ones who knew how to make it, giving them a monopoly of the business, though Duo had no idea who would want to use the rape and torture drug for self-use. KL6 attacked the brain, altering chemicals and making the taker susceptible to demands. In short, it was a mind control drug and those that took it were helpless to do what people told them. Wes said it made them more cooperative, but Duo knew that it created slaves. It was like being trapped in your own body, you could still hear and see and feel what was happening, but you had no control over your body. The poison, since it attacked the rain, was also highly addictive and the withdrawal was sometimes deadly and the drug itself was painful until the last second it was worked out of your system. The only consolation was the human survival instinct, something so deeply written in every person that it couldn’t be over looked, so it was impossible to order someone to do anything that would put them in danger, but to Duo, it didn’t make him feel better.  
          Duo screamed in utter agony as the drug overwhelmed his mind and took control in a matter of minutes.  
          “Stop screaming,” Wes said. It was like a switch had been thrown, Duo stopped screaming, though trapped in his mind, he was still screaming. It was like being shoved off a tall cliff, he fell deep into his own mind, cut off from his physical body. Duo wanted to flinch, blink, something as Wes shone a bright light in his eyes, checking his pupils, but he was lost. Duo could hear his heart beating unpleasantly fast, another side affect of the drug, and could feel the terrible pain even worse than before, but the outer stimulus of Wes’ hands on his legs and the soft sheets under his back seemed distant. He experimentally tried to scream, but he couldn’t so much as open his mouth. Wes unlocked the chains and pulled Duo to his knees. Duo just stared at them, dumbly, his mind and spirit gone from his eyes.  
          “Man, that shit is great!” Stevens exclaimed, “You can make him do anything?”  
          “Almost anything,” Chris said proudly.  
          “How much does it cost?” Stevens asked excitedly.  
          “It isn’t Tylenol,” Wes reprimanded sharply and the black haired man wilted under his glare, “it has to be carefully administered and monitored or you’ll end up giving him an aneurism.”  
          “It’s fine, unless you care about the person you’re giving it to,” Chris joked, “it’s great for our other… business. It’s better than heroin for getting whores hooked and doing what they’re supposed to do. It doesn’t come cheap, of course.”  
          “What’s in it?” Stevens asked.  
          “That’s a trade secret,” Chris grinned, giving Wes a look of deep admiration, though Wes didn’t seem to notice.  
          “How long does it take to wear off?” Stevens continued with his interrogation.  
          “13 hours,” Wes said, “withdrawal starts three hours after that.”  
          “Plenty of time to play,” Chris chuckled, sitting on the bed. Duo’s flat eyes stared out into space as Chris sat, his long, muscular legs slightly bent as his formidable body couldn’t fit on the bed as well as Duo’s smaller one.  
          “The human mind is really just a complex computer,” Chris explained, “once you figure out how to work it, you can get it to do just about anything. Now, Duo, look at me.”  
          Duo’s eyes met the larger man.  
          “Come here.”  
          The longhaired boy moved on his knees, his arms still bound, over to Chris. Chris petted Duo’s hair like a dog.  
          “Good boy, now unzip my pants.”  
          Duo’s legs were still chained, though the chains were completely slack, but he still tried with all of his will power to move. A single twitch would be a godsend, but there was nothing. He ‘watched’ in alarm as his body moved towards Chris. This couldn’t be happening again! He wanted his body back, at the very least he could scream and fight, not this robotic acceptance. This was worse than rape, worse than being forced to enjoy it. It was the worst betrayal. It was even worse than being chained up. How could he possibly escape his own mind?  
          Duo thrashed against the barriers of his mind as his hand unzipped Chris’ pants.  
          “Suck on my cock,” Chris ordered. Without a second’s hesitation or flash of anger in Duo’s eyes, he freed the man’s large erection and wrapped his mouth around the head, slowly engulfing the whole thing. Even under the influence of the drug, he struggled to get it down his throat, but he managed. Chris groaned loudly as he was suddenly surrounded by heat and tangled his hand in Duo’s hair, the other squeezing Duo’s ass, but let the boy suck him at his leisure.  
          “That’s it, use your tongue,” Chris instructed, groaning as Duo’s nimble tongue swirled around him and sucked him deeply. It was strange watching him do it. Usually he would have his eyes closed as though he couldn’t bear to keep them open, but now they were wide and empty.  
          “He’s like the perfect sex doll,” Stevens mused. Wes stayed silent, watching intently. Chris gripped tighter at Duo’s hair as the longhaired boy lapped at his head. The boy was incredible, even drugged out of his mind. His mouth was moist and tight, not as tight as his ass would be, but tight enough. He felt too good, though. Duo always was one of the few that could make him cum just from a blow job, usually he had better self control.  
          “Stop,” he commanded and watched in satisfaction as he slid his mouth off of him.  
          “Ride me,” Chris said, sitting back on his hands, his glistening cock jutting out from his body proudly. Stevens and Wes watched as Duo crawled onto the muscular man and took him completely, his pert ass sliding all the way down to the brunette’s balls, making the man scream in pleasure.  
          Duo cried out mentally as he was penetrated by the huge cock. He was still wet and stretched from Stevens, but Chris always made it hurt. There was nothing to distract him from feeling the pain and he fought uselessly to get off of him. It was terrible, he couldn’t even cry. He could even felt the blood and tearing more vividly. He wanted to scream as Chris started to thrust into his damaged body, the pain searing. Everything hurt, it had hurt for so long. He couldn’t remember what it had felt like to be whole. He missed Name. She had been the only adult to ever treat him kindly and she didn’t have to He remembered the house, all white wood and soft rugs, the painting of lilacs in the hall, the big, comfy red couch in the living room and the large dark table in the kitchen where they had had so many wonderful meals. It had been the only place in the world where he had been safe. When he was there, nothing and no one could touch him. These men could never hurt him there… Chris came inside of him with a loud cry and Duo’s side and insides throbbed unpleasantly. Wes joined his friend on the bed, but before he could go inside of him, Duo sunk deeper and deeper into his memories until he was completely gone from reality.  
   
   
   
           
           
          Three more days had come and gone and Heero was now positive that Duo would never be returning to school again. He hadn’t just run away, he had disappeared off the face of the Earth. He knew that his mother, Quatre, and Trowa had never stopped looking; he also knew that no one was going to find him. He had the distinct feeling that if Duo didn’t want to be found, he wouldn’t, but the longer that he was missing, the more Heero yearned for some answers. He would never forgive him, but he still wanted to know why, he thought that Duo owed him that much. He missed him. He hated to admit it, but he truly did miss his Duo. Not the Duo that he had seen fucking Zechs, but the Duo that had melted in his arms that night, the Duo that had gone to the movies with him, the Duo that he had fallen in love with. He wished that he could just forget about that other Duo and pretend that everything was ok, but reality kept encroaching on that illusion.  
          Heero couldn’t go back to the way he was before meeting Duo. He still arrived early to school and, while he felt constantly angry, it was different. He didn’t feel like bothering people, he just wanted to be left alone. The door to the classroom opened and Heero’s head shot up. His heart nearly stopped and he looked eagerly towards the door, but his excitement fell as an unfamiliar student walked through. He couldn’t understand it, why did things have to be this way? Why was it that every time that door opened, he could imagine Duo walking through, even when he knew that it wasn’t Duo. Why did he have to get so excited at the thought of Duo coming back when all he wanted to do was scream at him for what he had done? Why did things have to be so confusing?  
          Heero still ate lunch alone, that hadn’t changed since he was a kid. As Wufei came into the lunch room, he glowered at Heero. What relationship they had had become strained because of Duo’s disappearance. Wufei, rightly, believed that Heero had had something to do with it, and also thought that Heero knew where Duo was, and that Heero refused to tell him out of some stupid grudge. The first week, the Chinese boy had done nothing but pester him about it, but now all he did was glare at him. Treize hadn’t stopped interrogating him about it, but Heero wasn’t telling anyone anything. None of them had known Duo like he had known him. No one deserved to know the truth because no one had dared to know him like he had. When he returned to class, he didn’t pay attention to his teacher, his eyes focused on the door, waiting for it to open.  
   
   
   
   
   
          Duo floated for what seemed like an endless amount of time. He tried to stay deep in his fantasy world of safety and kindness, but his reality kept bringing him back up. He felt so heavy and cloudy. Was it possible for your mind to feel dirty? He knew that his mind felt sick, floating from memories of his times with Heero to the sex and abuse of the real world. His body burned both from the rapes and the drugs that Wes continually shot him up with.  He would let it wear off for about an hour, enough for Duo to gain control of his body and have all of the memories flood back to him in a disjointed, nightmarish jumble, but too worn out to move, then inject him again. He didn’t recognize most of the men that Wes brought with him and he didn’t know what was worse, the exploration of strangers, or Wes and Chris, who knew his body inside and out and knew how to make him scream inside of his cage. He had no idea what day it was or even if it was night or morning. For him, time had died. All he knew was the space between each cock, each rough hand. There was so much blood and semen, now. Sometimes when he came out of his dreams, the sheets would be clean, but more often than not, he could feel the mess under his skin. He felt worn down into nothing, like he was dying but his body was still whole. Without any control of his body, he couldn’t tell if he was sleeping or just daydreaming. He just… floated. He knew that his body was sick in the tightness of his chest and not even Wes’ orders could keep him from coughing. Surely the man knew now that he wasn’t going to last for much longer, but Duo knew that he would never take him to a hospital, he would let him die here. His insides felt hot and tight where they hadn’t before and his body felt like it was tearing itself apart. There was something wrong with his shoulder, where Wes had bitten him so long ago, he couldn’t move it and it felt heavy, like there was a softball where his muscle should have been. His side was worse than ever, though he couldn’t tell if it was actually swollen or if it just felt that way.  
          Wes had left to go to the bathroom and, for a brief while at least, no one else was in the apartment. The drugs were starting to wear off again and Duo thought that it was night. His head felt like something was squeezing it and he would have thrown up if there was anything in his stomach. It was withdrawal, plain and simple. He had gone through it before, but now it was much worse, he had been taking it for too long. How long that was; days, weeks, months, years, he had no idea. His wrists were cuffed together with the thick manacles, as were his feet, but chains were no longer attached to them. What was the point of chains if you couldn’t run away? Duo had no desire to run anymore. He was too tired, he just wanted to sleep, truly sleep, not float. He rolled onto his unwounded side and curled up into a ball. He heard the bedroom door open and Wes slipped into bed with him. He slept with him constantly now and Duo wondered why he didn’t just sleep in the other bed, if he was truly paranoid about him running away again or if it was something else. He remembered how Wes had confessed that Duo was the most important thing in his life and this strange, hot, sick little emotion boiled in his chest. Tears started to pour down his cheeks. He had lived with Wes for so long, the man was all that he knew, all that he could really, truly remember about his past. He was his whole world. He had clothed him, fed him, made it possible for him to go to school. How had he ever thought that he could escape him? Love… was that what that feeling was? Wes was the only father that he had ever known, he couldn’t escape from him anymore than he could escape from himself. His punishments hurt, just like any parent’s, but sometimes he made him feel good, too, even if Duo didn’t like it when he did that. Wes wrapped a tight arm around Duo’s waist and snuggled against him, making Duo’s worn body tighten in anxiety.  
          “Please, let me go, Wes,” Duo rasped, his throat so raw from coughing that he could barely talk, “I won’t run away anymore, you know that. I can’t take this anymore, please!”  
          Wes rubbed his nose against the back of Duo’s thin neck.  
          “I love you like a son. I know I don’t say that and I know that we fight a lot, but I do love you. I thought that after all this time, you would understand that and start listening to me,” Wes said mournfully. Duo felt his chest tighten further. Was Wes telling the truth? Duo could never figure out why he was living with Wes instead of a brothel or why he let him go about on his own and go to school. Could it really be true that Wes loved him? He had told Duo to consider him his father, but he had never put much thought into that. His body remembered the pain that Wes had put him in, but he had deserved that once he had run away and started lying to him. The truth was, Wes had taken care of him and though he had been rough, sometimes he had been nice to him, too. He had no one else in his life, no one that had taken care of him and professed to love him. Wes sighed.  
          “Why do you do this to me?” he asked in exasperation, “I’m still mad at you, but I forgive you. I believe that you’ve learned your lesson, but I’m still going to keep you on a short leash.”  
          “Thank you, thank you,” Duo sobbed as Wes unbuckled his manacles. He was pathetically weak after so long of being drugged and in bed, but he managed to throw his arms around Wes shoulders and hug him.  
          “Thank you…”  
   
   
   
          Wes gave Duo the next two days off to regain his strength and left the apartment, leaving Duo in blessed solitude. Duo shakily walked the entire apartment, trying to get some strength back in his legs. With each step, blood tracked down his legs and sometimes he worried that he might fall, but little by little, he got steadier. His stomach felt hollow, but the withdrawal made him feel nauseous, so he didn’t bother with food. His muscles ached as his body yearned for more of the drug even as his mind was relieved to be back to the way that things had been. He felt as though the sweat and blood and semen had caked into his skin and stumbled into the bathroom. As he flipped on the light, he cried out, the brightness of the light sent sharp pain through his eyes. He had spent who knew how long in almost complete darkness and it took him a good five minutes to get his eyes to stop watering. Wes had given him permission to take a shower and Duo got one ready, digging into one of the cabinets to find a clean towel and shampoo. He caught his reflection in a mirror and froze.  
          He looked terrible. He was thinner and paler than he had ever been before, but his face was flushed with fever and his eyes were flat and dead. He could see his ribs and his joints were visible through his pallid skin. His shoulder and side were indeed badly swollen and he groaned as a sharp pain stabbed in his side, but it hurt even more when he tried to feel it. The pus leaking out of the wound on his shoulder was starting to turn green. He was covered in bruises and cuts and burns, but nothing seemed to be healing. Various spots on his body were caked with semen and blood, but the worst was his thighs, especially since he was still bleeding down there. His hair was a mess and he certainly wasn’t relishing trying to comb it out, but he was almost salivating at the thought of finally being clean.  
          The hot water was indeed heavenly, though it made him hiss in pain at first, but then the semen and blood disappeared down the drain and he no longer cared about the sting. It hurt to raise his hands. His wrists and ankles were black with bruises and contusions from tugging at the bonds, but he managed to wash his hair, twice considering the mess, and scrubbed at his body with a soft washcloth. It took a long time to feel clean, but once he was done, he staid in the shower, letting the hot water wash over him. He blinked down at the drain as he saw blood, not pink, but bright red, swirling there. It wasn’t possible! He reached around and lightly touched his torn entrance, then looked at his blood stained fingers in alarm. Why was he still bleeding? He crouched down on his knees and swiped at his ass with the washcloth, then rinsed the blood off, repeating it four times, but each times the cloth was stained with deep red blood. He threw the washcloth down with a frustrated cry. Why?! Why wouldn’t it stop?!  
   
   
   
          Ultimately, it took Duo almost two hours to get the bleeding to stop. He told himself not to worry about it, that he bled all the time, but he still did worry, because it had never taken this long… he shook off his anxiety for the moment and settled on fixing his hair and putting on some clothes. In the end, it hurt too much to put his hair in a braid, so he used a ponytail instead. All he could find for clothes was a tight, long sleeved white shirt, his denim jacket, and a pair of low riding jeans that laced up the legs and crotch. Wes still wasn’t back by the time that Duo felt alive again and he managed to revel in that freedom for awhile. He was… free. There were chains tying him down, no drugs draining him… his bare feet relished the feeling of the rough run under them instead of the soft sheets, his eyes traveling the ceiling with its bright lights. He started to laugh. He wasn’t going to die! Wes had forgiven him… he could see the sky again!  
          But, as great as freedom was, he couldn’t stand being in the apartment, which still smelled like sex and cigarette smoke from the constant stream of men coming and going. He felt ghost hands on his hips and a raspy voice in his ear and shuddered, but shoved the memories away. That didn’t matter anymore, it was behind him as long as he behaved. It didn’t matter anyway, he couldn’t escape Wes and he had no reason to disobey him anymore. He laced up his boots and walked out, closing the door behind him and stuffing the spare key in his pocket. He whistled and watched the shadows, laughing as he was suddenly swarmed by furry missiles intent on licking his hand and molding themselves to his legs. It appeared that in the time that he was captive, the other cats had disappeared. It looked like he would never get to name them, but his five had waited for him. He crouched low enough to scoop Shiva and Sammy into his arms and pet as much of the others as he could reach.  
          “I missed you guys,” he murmured, his voice thick with emotion. Toby butted his head against Duo’s leg to show how worried he had been while Shiva and Sammy curled up in his lap. Even pregnant Patches had come out to greet him. They were all alive and healthy, how they had all found their way back here and why he didn’t know, but right now, he didn’t really care.  
   
          After catering to his furry family, Duo decided to visit his human one. On his way, he learned the date and discovered, to his shock, that it had been two weeks since Wes had dragged him back to the apartment. He didn’t know if he was so shocked because it had been so long or so short. The sky was not the beautiful powdered blue that he had hoped and the sun was nowhere in sight as it started to rain. Duo walked through the streets past people running for cover and others huddling under umbrellas. The rain poured down on him until his hair stuck to him, but he didn’t mind it. Solo was on the same street as always and Duo’s heart soared at the sight of him and Shi. The two of them were dressed for their prospective jobs and the weather, huddling against each other under a store’s overhang. Solo was dressed in ripped jeans, a mesh top, and stylish, but clearly secondhand jacket that had fake fur lining the hood, his blond hair pulled back with his ever present headband. Shi was, as always, not so… decadent with cameo pants, a leather jacket, black shirt, worn combat boots, and his father’s dog tags proudly hanging from a chain around his neck.  
          “Duo!” Shi squealed, lifting Duo clear off the ground with a shocked cry as he swept him up into his arms and twirled him around.  
          “Shi!” Duo choked, but once his feet met ground again, he returned the borderline sociopath’s hug.  
          “Where the fuck have you been?!” Solo screamed even as he hugged Duo tightly, making him wince, though neither of them noticed. As Solo let him go, Duo’s first instinct was to lie and say something like that he had come down with some horrible disease, but these were his friends, they knew everything about him, so he told the truth.  
          “I ran away from the apartment,” Duo said.  
          “Way to go, man!” Solo cheered, clapping Duo on the shoulder. “It’s about time you got out from under that pedophile’s thumb!”  
          “But he found me,” Duo continued, his eyes becoming dull with the memory and both Shi and Solo’s eyes widened at both the admission and the sight of Duo’s pretty eyes becoming hollow. Solo felt sick as he realized that the vividness of his eyes had just been a mask and this was what his eyes were really like now.  
          “Duo…”  
          “He brought me back, chained me to the bed, gave me drugs and brought guys to the apartment to do whatever they wanted to me.”  
          Shi looked furious, but Solo just looked like he was going to throw up.  
          “That bastard!” Shi swore, “How could he do that?!”  
          “He forgave me, after everything that I did to him, he forgave me. _He let me go_!”  
          “What the fuck!” Solo exploded, “He kidnapped and raped you! He drugged you and let who knows how many men rape you and you go around defending him to us?!”  
          “He said that he loves me,” Duo murmured, but the words sounded strange to him.  
          “So that gives him the right to violate you?” Shi asked, his eyes like fire stones. “Why are you defending this guy? Two weeks ago, Wes Maxwell could have dropped dead and you would have spat on his corpse, now that he’s done this horrible thing to you, you accept this half assed confession from him?”  
          Duo blinked up at him.  
          “I… I don’t… I just… he didn’t have to let me go…”  
          “No, he didn’t,” Shi said, “but he didn’t have to rape you in the first place either! Don’t give me that bullshit!”  
          Duo bit his lip. Shi hugged him tightly.  
          “Look, I’ve seen this before. This man’s abusing you, so you grab at the slightest bit of affection because he’s in the position of power and you’re the victim, so you think that if there’s a reason, maybe even some feelings behind the abuse, that makes it ok, but it doesn’t!”  
          “I know that!” Duo whispered harshly, “But he’s still all I have! And I believe him when he says that he loves me. What if I love him? Does that make me sick, too?”  
          Solo laid his head over Duo’s.  
          “No, honey, it makes you love starved.”  
          Duo wiped at his eyes harshly.  
          “Look, he just let me go this morning, I can’t handle talking about it right now.”  
          Shi nodded and the two blondes let him go.  
          “Where’s the rest of you guys anyway?” Duo asked, looking about for some sign of the other five. Shi shared a look with Solo, then looked Duo in the eye.  
          “Duo, Yuki’s dead.”  
          Duo’s eyes widened.  
          “What?! No, that can’t be… when did this happen?!” he demanded.  
          “Last week,” Solo said, “they found him dumped in an alley. It was a couple of his johns, they got too rough with him, but it wasn’t an accident, do you get that? They cut his hair…”  
          Duo paled. Yuki, quiet, dependable Yuki, and he had missed the last week of his life… he covered his eyes with his hand.  
          “Amaaya, Alex, and Aluxiel left the state. Amaaya was really broken up about it and the three of them decided to cut town.”  
          Duo stared at him.  
          “All three of them just left? What were they planning to do?!”  
          “Something about Boston,” Shi shrugged, “something the lot of us are too chicken shit to do.”  
          “But what about Hi?”  
          Solo smiled softly.  
          “His kids are scared of storms, so he’s home looking after them.”  
          Duo smiled at the thought of the strong redhead cuddling with little versions of him. Solo grinned at him.  
          “Man, if I’d have a dad like that… let me tell ya, Hi’d never let his kids do this shit for a living! He’d sooner sell his whole soul, which is pretty much what he’s doing…” Solo and Duo’s eyes turned dark at the thought. Shi rubbed at his dog tags, his eyes looking far off. Those intense eyes turned to Duo once more.  
          “I’ve lost too many loved ones,” he said angrily, “I’m not going to lose you, too,” with that, Shi walked off into the storm, not caring how soaked he got. Solo and Duo watched him go, looking confused.  
          “Come on,” Solo said, “the fish ain’t bitin’ on a night like this, let’s get something to eat.”  
  
  
End Part 2  


 


	8. Chapter 5: Missing Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero gets a tip of Duo's whereabouts from one of his friends, but with Duo's physical and mental health rapidly deteriorating, will he be able to get to him in time? And can the two of them get past Heero's anger and Duo's truth?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 5  
Part 3  
   
   
          Another two weeks had passed and still no Duo. Worry, and just a tiny bit of guilt had turned Heero’s insides into a war zone. He couldn’t stop dreaming about him and he somehow knew that something bad had happened and for some reason that he couldn’t really understand, he blamed himself. He should have dragged Duo off with him instead of running away like some coward. Yuys were not cowards, they solved their own goddamn problems! Questions stung Heero like swarming wasps. Nothing made sense anymore, his own mind didn’t make sense. When had his anger turned so completely into worry? Duo had fucked Zechs and he had probably tried to get money out of him, so why the nightmares? Why did he keep seeing Duo lying in a pool of blood and why did he feel so guilty about it?  
          He was dreaming again, tossing and turning in bed, but it wasn’t really a dream, it was a memory, hundreds of memories.  
   
        _“But I don’t want to use your hot water.”_  
            
If Duo had indeed wanted to use his money and Zechs had ruined his plans, then why had Duo been so stubborn about accepting it when Heero had tried to buy him things? He had been worried about using up his hot water like it was gold. It didn’t make sense.  
   
         _“That door locks.”_   
   
          What kind of boy didn’t lock a bathroom door… that was just sick.   
   
          _“Really?! I’ve never played before!”_   
   
          What kind of boy had never played video games before?  
   
         _“I’ve never had any friends before. No one’s ever cared enough about me to want to be my friend. So, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for asking me to stay over, you didn’t have to. I don’t even know why you want to be friends with me.”_  
   
          Heero started to cry in his sleep. He didn’t know about the rest of their relationship, but at that moment, he knew with a hundred percent clarity that Duo had been telling the truth. Duo was so beautiful… how could he have never had friends and why had he thanked him with tears in his eyes?   
   
         _“It’s nothing so small, Heero. You just don’t understand…”_  
   
          Duo…  
   
         _“I **will** get what I want.”_  
  
          Heero’s brow furrowed in sleep. He remembered that fight and how Zechs had sworn revenge. He remembered that day in the bushes. Zechs had beaten Duo so hard he had been coughing up blood. Duo had been in so much pain… Was he so self-righteous that he could hate Duo just for trying to make the pain stop? That note in his locker… Zechs had obviously set Duo up, especially with his vow for revenge.  
   
          _“This isn’t the first time Zechs has gone after me and nothing happened then and nothing will happen now.”_   
   
          Zechs had had sex with Duo on school property and no one had done anything about it, Heero hadn’t done anything about it. He had seen Zechs on a regular basis and he had never attacked him for it, all because he was pissed at Duo, his best friend. What the fuck was wrong with him?!   
   
          _“Please, you’re my best friend.”_  
   
          Heero shot awake, almost screaming. He wiped furiously at his tears. Duo’s last words rang through his heart like a bitter sword. He had called him his best friend, and he, in return, had slapped him, called him disgusting. He had begged him… had he betrayed him or were Quatre, Trowa, and his mother right and he had only been hoping that Duo had betrayed him? He tore the sheets off of his body and walked downstairs.   
            
Name was still awake, watching the news. After looking for Duo hadn’t panned out, they had started to look at morgues, newspapers, and broadcasts, though they had hated to do it, but since Duo had basically disappeared, it was plausible that he was dead. Name clutched at her shirt at the very painful thought. She looked up as her son as he walked down the steps.  
“Couldn’t sleep?” she asked, taking in his bloodshot eyes.  
“Do we have a map of this town?”  
          Name stared at him.  
          “Heero, what’s wrong?”  
          He ran a shaky hand through his hair.  
          “I want to help, no, I need to help. Please, mom.”  
          Name smiled.  
          “Alright, Heero. Sit down, I’ll tell you what we’ve found.”  
   
   
   
          It quickly became clear to Heero that he had no information and no talents that his own mother did not already possess when his search for Duo ended the same way all the others had. It was completely ridiculous! How could someone like Duo disappear like this? Why did all his information end dead? The thought that Duo could be in trouble fueled his efforts, but he had no leads and ended up walking the streets of downtown in frustration. It probably hadn’t been the best idea for someone as recognizable to be walking these streets on foot, he realized once he noticed that someone was following him, someone that was bigger than him. He frowned and walked faster. He could conceivably yell for help, but on a rainy day like this, it was doubtful anyone would hear him. He could face his attacker, but that seemed foolish even to him. The decision was taken out of his hands as he was grabbed from behind, spun, and pinned to the wall of a closed restaurant. Red eyes like that of a demon stared at him out of the darkness.   
          “You Heero Yuy?” the person asked and Heero realized in shock that the ‘mugger’ was just a boy a little older than him, an attractive boy at that, with long golden hair, but his arms were long and muscular and Heero could see a hunting knife on his belt.   
          “Yes,” he hissed. The blonde grinned and Heero felt him shove a piece in his hand.   
          “Duo’s around there,” the boy said simply and started to walk off. Heero blinked at him in confusion, looking down at the paper.  
          “We’ve already looked there!” he protested. Crimson eyes looked back at him.  
          “His address is fake, but that street still exists. Hang out there long enough and you’ll spot him.”  
          “Who the hell are you?” Heero hissed, clutching at the paper like it was his only saving grace. The red eyed boy sighed.  
          “Look, Duo’s in deep shit and right now he can’t pull himself out, so he needs your help. Unfortunately, you’re the only one who can help him.”  
          “What kind of trouble?” Heero asked, his heart burning. This boy knew Duo!  
          “Just find him,” the boy said wearily and walked off.   
   
            
   
          Shi smirked as he walked away. The kid sure had hooked himself a hot one. Of course, everyone knew that Heero Yuy was cute, but in person he was something else! At least Solo would be pleased that he had lost to someone worthy. He had wanted to tell Yuy the truth about Duo, but it wasn’t his place, so he had just given him his location. Now, everything else was up to the two of them and, hopefully, at least one of their little group could have a happy ending. Or, at least Duo could see his love one last time. If only they could have all been that lucky.  
   
   
            
   
          As Solo left for the night, Duo felt any happiness he had felt dissipating. It had been hard putting on a smile for his old friend and he felt drained now that he had nothing to prove. He knew that Shi and Solo had been right and whatever he felt for Wes didn’t mean anything in the face of what the man had done to him, but he also couldn’t ignore the fact that he was walking around now because of him and he was probably alive because of Wes’ shelter. He rubbed at his chilled chest, coughing harshly. Shi was wrong about one thing, however, it didn’t matter how much the blonde tried to save him, he was already half dead, he was just waiting for either the sickness or his wounds to finish the job on his worn down body. He was glad that he would go that way instead of what Wes had promised him, for that he considered himself lucky.   
          The rain was still pouring down making the neon lights glow like halos in the distance. Despite the rain, Duo saw the man coming down the block and he recognized him, not by his face or eyes, but his walk and the bright red shirt that he always wore. Parker, or at least that had been the name he had used, though it could have been a lie since Duo had been so out of it at the time. It was one of the strange men Wes had brought to the apartment, though Duo only remembered the red shirt and the limp the man had in his left leg from when he had had trouble in certain positions. Duo watched cautiously as the man got closer to him and realized that he wasn’t just walking out in the rain for no reason. Age old instinct screamed at him to run, that there was only one reason why the man would seek him out and his body couldn’t handle that right now, but he didn’t.   
          Parker smiled at him and came close enough to shelter Duo with his large navy umbrella. Duo shuddered as he recognized his heavy scent and large hands. He should have gone to the apartment once night had fallen, but he hated the thought of going back there.   
          “Are you Maxwell’s boy?” the man asked in the sort of eagerness that Duo had come to both anticipate, understand, and loathe. For the first time, Duo realized that the man’s eyes were blue, not Heero’s blue, but a dull, powdered blue like the noon sky. He nodded. Parker grinned.  
          “What are you doing out here in this weather?”  
          “Watching the rain,” Duo said. The strange answer made the man frown and he studied Duo’s face.   
          “Does your father know you’re out here?”  
          “Yes.”  
          Parker gained his father back and he grabbed Duo’s upper arm.  
          “Why don’t we get out of this rain?”   
          Duo let the man drag him off under an overhang and push him against one of the shop windows.   
          “Someone will see,” Duo protested. Parker nipped at his neck, leaving a small hickey.  
          “It’s pouring, kiddo, no one’s out here but us,” he assured him, unzipping Duo’s pants.  
          “It’s fifty,” Duo said. The man snorted.  
          “I’m a little short right now,” the blue eyed man snuck his hands down the back of Duo’s jeans. Duo stared blankly into the blackness of the night. He realized that the man had never intended to pay in the first place.   
          “You can’t-,” Duo started to protest when the man’s grip on his arm tightened threateningly and he stopped. He didn’t care. What difference did it make? One man, two, three… it didn’t matter anymore. He was above violation. It was just flesh anyway, right? Rape wasn’t such a big deal, he had survived it over and over again… Duo’s tears were masked by the rain still on his face. Parker unzipped his slacks and slid a hand under Duo’s top.   
          “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”   
          Duo suddenly came back to himself. He knew that voice… He looked over Parker’s shoulder into the rain and saw Heero standing in the rain, soaked and furious, his beautiful blue eyes, the right shade of blue, glowing in the dark of the storm, his hair still somehow tussled even under the weight of the water.   
          ‘Heero…’  
          “Shit!” Parker swore, realizing the deadly territory that he was in and zipped up his pants hastily, letting go of Duo who slumped against the window and ran off past Heero. Heero didn’t go after him, his eyes solely fixed on Duo. Duo blinked uselessly at him, trying to get his eyes to tell him the truth. There was no way that Heero could be here now, it was impossible! Heero stood in front of him anyway, glaring at him.   
          “Are you a whore?” he demanded. Duo stared at him. His fuddled mind couldn’t figure out what was going on.   
          “Yes.”  
          Heero growled low in his throat and grabbed Duo’s arm, dragging him to an unfamiliar, silver Lamborghini, opening the door and shoving him inside.  
          “Get in,” he snapped. Duo dumbly sat down in the creamy leather seats.   
   
   
            
   
          Heero kept one eye on the road and another on Duo, who huddled in the seat. His heart cried out at the sight of him. How long had it been since they had last seen each other? But, anger still boiled inside of him. So, it hadn’t been just Zechs, Duo had been whoring himself to anyone that had been willing to pay. His grip on the steering wheel tightened and he pulled over into a gas station, turning off the engine and he glared at Duo.  
          “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”   
          Duo stared at him with such flat eyes that it made Heero flinch. This person wasn’t his Duo, this was someone else, a stranger.   
          “You’re fifteen years old, you have no business doing this!” Heero screamed. Duo flinched away from him like he had been struck and Heero paled.   
          “This is so disgusting,” Heero shook his head, “How could you do this? This is worse than that thing with Zechs! How can you give your body to complete strangers?!”   
          Duo’s heart clenched. Heero was here, but he was so angry and it was all his fault. He tried to be strong, but there was no strength yet and he started to sob.  
          “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you!”  
          “Yeah, well you have a real knack for it anyway!” Heero snapped back. Duo wrapped his hands around his stomach.   
          “I didn’t have a choice…”  
          “Everyone has a choice!” Heero roared, “Don’t you dare defend it to me!”  
          “I was so hungry…” Duo’s vision started to waver and he shook a little, but it wasn’t because of the tears. Emotional agony ripped through him. Heero hated him… and he was right, he was disgusting.  
          “Then you should have found another way!” Heero’s rage crested and he realized that if he stayed in the car for too long, he wouldn’t be able to control himself.   
          “Stay in the fucking car,” he snarled, opening and slamming the door and storming into the gas station. Duo watched him go with tears in his eyes.   
          ‘Heero, I’m sorry, but this is who I am.’  
   
   
   
          Heero paced through the aisles of the gas stations snack supply, not noticing the strange looks that the attendant was giving him. What the hell was he going to do? His emotions surged in a confused jumble inside of him. How could Duo do this? He was so angry… but why? Duo had sold himself, but he no longer believed that he had used him, so why was he angrier now than before? The sight of that man doing that to Duo… He should have been happy about finding him, but he was just so mad about what he had seen. He had come here to take Duo home and get some answers, not explode at him again. Why was he so out of control where Duo was concerned?   
          ‘Because you love him,’ a small voice that sounded suspiciously like his mother said deep in his mind. He sighed and felt a little bit of the madness ebb away. He had to get Duo home, that was all that mattered. He could be mad at him when he was safe. All he knew was that there was something horribly wrong, that look on Duo’s face had been terrible. He bought some hot chocolate for Duo because he had looked so cold and returned to the car. He ran when he saw that Duo’s door was open.  
          “Fuck!” he swore as he saw blood on the seat and a few specks of blood on the dash board. He had screwed up again! He had to find him and get him some help… As Heero started off the car and sped off, his nightmares of Duo dying in a pool of blood.  
   
   
   
   
          Heero hated him… that was all that Duo could think of as he ran. Heero, he had missed him so much, but he didn’t care about him anymore, how could he? Rain poured into his eyes and he tripped, skinning his knees on the pavement and he fell onto his bad side, screaming in pain. Why was this happening?! Why did he have to hurt Heero over and over and over again? Heero… he just wanted to be with him! He curled up into a ball as the rain soaked him to the bone and he shivered violently, his withdrawal building up and he coughed hard, blood splattering onto the concrete, the legs of his jeans soaked in the dark red stuff. Everything hurt… why couldn’t he just die? If he couldn’t be with Heero, he didn’t want to survive anymore. He didn’t want to whore himself anymore! He just couldn’t do it, he couldn’t bear the thought of anyone touching him when he knew that Heero had been out, looking for him. Even if he hated him, Duo couldn’t stop loving him. He was so cold… Large hands grabbed him and lifted him, but he was too tired to even open his eyes.  
   
            
   
Duo was rudely awakened as he was dropped to the floor. His vision was more blurry than usual as he blinked in the bright lights. He felt a soft carpet under him, but he had no idea where he was.   
          “Wake up,” a harsh voice ordered, a large hand slapping him in the face.  
          “Chris?” he murmured. The large man smirked down at him.  
          “I told Wes that he was an idiot for trusting you again, even when he ordered me to follow you, I knew that you were just going to slip up again, and here you are, running to Yuy again!”  
          “Fuck you,” Duo murmured, looking around the small room for something that he could use as a weapon.  
          “No, no, no, see, you have that all backwards! I’m going to fuck _you_ and then you’re going straight back to Wes where you belong!”  
          “I’m never going back there!” Duo said with as much strength that he could muster. Chris suddenly grabbed his head and slammed it to the floor.  
          “I suggest that you learn to respect your elders,” he snarled, punching Duo in the chest. He grabbed Duo’s bad side and squeezed. Duo’s eyes shot open and he screamed. He felt something hot and terrible burst in his side and an agony like he had never felt filled him. He curled up defensively, dry heaving as nausea attacked him. His vision became gray and shifted between blackness.   
          “Oh, god, oh, god…” he whimpered. His heart was beating too fast, even more than when he ran for a long time. Chris grabbed his shoulder and slammed him against the floor again.  
          “Shut up!” he snapped. Duo grabbed feebly at his pain for some sort of psychotic strength and his vision returned for a few seconds. He wrapped his legs around Chris’s throat and squeezed. Chris choked and grabbed at his legs, but Duo refused to let go. He couldn’t see beyond the bright lights and his own terrible pain, but he blindly searched wildly with his hands until he came in contact with something solid and slammed the lamp down on Chris’ head. He felt Chris’ heavy body fall on him and he blacked out.   
   
   
            
          Duo awoke in an alley somewhere, laying in a puddle and choking on the water. He sat up quickly to keep from drowning, coughing up blood and curling up to protect his side. His vision was still blurry and distorted and his glasses were missing. He was bleeding all over the place and he couldn’t remember how he had gotten there. He pushed himself to his feet, only to immediately fall back down. He stumbled back to his feet and felt at the wall, leading himself out of the alley. Pain pounded in his side and he fell to his knees again, crying out in frustration. He had to get to shelter… he had to go to the only place where it’s safe. He needed to go home.   
   
   
          Heero slammed on the breaks for what felt like the hundredth time as the rain became too much for his vision. He wasn’t getting anywhere at this rate! His eyes strayed to the blood on the seat. Duo was hurt and sick and who knew what else and he had to find him, but it was impossible in this storm! Heero banged his head against the steering wheel and cursed his temper. He had lost control again and he had lost Duo because of it. He didn’t blame Duo for running away, it was all his fault. At least last time he had thought that Duo had been scamming him, now Duo really did need his help and he had still attacked him.   
          Heero tried to think. Obviously looking for Duo like this wasn’t working. He had to think about where Duo would go, but he still didn’t know where Duo lived! Suddenly, it clicked. If he was hurt and sick, there was only one place that he would go, a place where people cared about him and he was totally safe.  
   
   
   
   
   
          Even though he couldn’t see very well, the Yuy house was still the best thing that he had ever seen. How long had it been since he had been here? He almost cried as he touched the smooth wood of the door. All the lights were off in the house, but the power wasn’t out. He had been to this place so many times, he easily remembered the security codes. If he had any thought process left, he would have wondered why the world around him was so blurry and impossible to understand but it was so easy to him to break into his ex-friend’s house. But, he didn’t care, all he could think about was getting home, like a pregnant cat looking for a porch to crawl under.   
          There was no one in the house and he wasn’t stopped as he staggered up the steps into Heero’s room. He almost fell at the smell of Heero and the memories that this room held. He sat on the amazingly soft carpet and pulled Heero’s blanket off the bed and wrapped it around himself. It smelled like Heero… he could almost imagine that Heero was here, holding him.   
   
   
   
          Heero almost cried out in joy when he saw that the house still had no lights on, but the door was wide open. Could it be that he finally had a break? His joy quickly vanished as he followed the water tracks into the house, which soon turned into blood tracks. Duo was bleeding, but why? What if he had been shot or stabbed? He ran up the stairs, following the trail of blood to his bedroom. He froze at the sight of Duo wrapped up in his blanket, the blue quilt stained with blood. Duo was sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed, and not moving. He ran to him, falling to the floor and shaking him.  
          “Duo! Duo, you have to wake up!” but his cries were useless and Duo didn’t stir. Heero panicked. Was he dead? Had he killed him?! There was so much blood… Heero pressed his fingers to Duo’s neck. His pulse was racing almost impossibly fast, but the beat wasn’t strong and Duo’s breathing was unsteady and raspy.   
          “Come on, Duo, I know you’re stronger than this,” he murmured as he untangled the blanket and Duo groaned in annoyance at his source of heat and security being taken away. Heero winced as he saw the blood soaked white t-shirt. He lifted the shirt and paled as he saw that Duo’s side was horribly swollen and bleeding, but it wasn’t the blood that bothered him, it was the fact that the swollen mass was a deep purple.  
          ‘Internal bleeding,’ he thought angrily. Duo blinked up at him blearily.  
          “Hee… ro?” he rasped. Heero bit his lip and hugged Duo close, apologizing profusely as Duo made a small noise of pain.   
          “Duo, don’t talk, I’m going to get you to a hospital, ok?” Heero rambled, panicking.   
          “Heero, please… you have to kill me…” Duo begged, his eyes clouded over in pain.  
          “What?!” Heero snapped, “What the hell, Duo?!”   
          “It hurts so much! I can’t take this anymore, I’m so tired of being in pain… I just want to be with you… you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me… please, just make it stop!” Duo cried. Heero stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head.  
          “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, too, and I’m so sorry, Duo! I had no right to say those things! I was just angry…”  
          Duo shook his head.  
          “It’s ok, Heero, don’t apologize…” he murmured, starting to fade into darkness again. Heero felt tears track down his cheek, but didn’t pay any attention to them.  
          “I’m going to save you,” Heero swore, “I’ll make the pain stop, but my way!” he hooked Duo’s knees with his arms and wrapped his other around his back, gently lifting him up.  
          “… thank you, Heero…”  
   
   
          The ride to the hospital was the longest thing Heero had ever done. Every five seconds he looked over at his friend, just to make sure he was still alive. It was hard going, going fast enough to get to the hospital, but slow enough that nothing would cause Duo any more pain. He couldn’t believe that this was happening! Duo could really die… Driving in the rain was treacherous, but no one else was out, so he got to the hospital within ten minutes. The rest of the trip was a blur to him. The only coherent thing that he could remember after getting to the hospital was someone wearing white taking Duo from him. He fought and swore, trying to get his precious bundle back, then there was a sharp prick, and the next thing he knew he was sitting in a chair in the waiting room with a blonde nurse watching him carefully.  
          “Duo!” he sat up in alarm. The nurse put a gentle hand on his shoulder.  
          “It’s ok, Mr. Yuy, your friend’s in the O.R.”   
          Heero glared at her.  
          “I want to see him!” Heero cried. She shook her head.  
          “I’m sorry, but he’s being operated on,” she smiled softly at him, “if you hadn’t brought him here so quickly, he wouldn’t have made it. You did well.”  
          Heero slumped in the seat and pinched his nose.   
          “Will he be ok?”  
          She looked at him sadly.  
          “I’m sorry, but the only person I can talk to about that is his father.”  
          Heero frowned. Duo’s father… where the fuck was Duo’s father anyway? He had to be freaking out, unless… Heero sat up quickly. Unless he knew about everything… if that was true, he was _dead_ , but right now he had to focus on Duo and finding out if he was ok and what they were doing to him and he knew just how to get it.   
          “Do you have a phone I can use?”   
   
   
   
          “Heero!” Name called as she ran into the waiting room.  
          “Mom…” Heero hugged her tightly, “they won’t tell me anything!”  
          Name let go of him and shook her head.  
          “You’ve done all that you can and you _found him_ , now it’s time for me to do my part,” she glared at the nurse that had stayed with Heero while he waited for his mother. She glanced at the nurse’s nametag, which read ‘Barton’, with some skepticism, but didn’t say anything about her name.  
          “I need to know everything you have on Duo Maxwell.”  
          Nurse Barton paled at the other woman’s fierce look.  
          “I-I can’t do that, Mrs. Yuy, not without Mr. Maxwell’s permission.”  
          “Yes, I understand that, but Mr. Maxwell is nowhere to be found.”  
          “But we need his permission to do surgery!” Barton protested. Name glared at her.  
          “What surgery?”  
          “I can lose my job!”  
          “We’re all that boy has right now and I can promise you, if you don’t cooperate with me, I _will_ get you terminated and that will be just the start of your problems!” Name snarled. Barton took a step away from her and sighed.  
          “He’s in surgery right now for a ruptured spleen. His doctor told me to locate his father because he has several infected wounds and we need to do surgery to drain the abscesses. We can give him surgery for his spleen because he could die, but right now the infections don’t pose an immediate threat-,”  
          “That’s bullshit!” Name snapped, “He can’t recover from the surgery if his system is infected!”  
          “That’s why we need his father!” Barton yelled back. Name got in her face.   
          “I am acting on his father’s behalf,” she said. The nurse’s blue eyes widened.  
          “You can’t do that! I’ll get fired-,”  
          “I’ll see to it you don’t take any heat for this, but right now that boy needs someone responsible to take care of him and I’m all he has, do you understand?”  
          The blonde nodded.  
          “I’ll tell the doctor.”  
          “While you’re at it, get me his medical records. I want to know what’s wrong with him. When you return, you will tell me what the doctor thinks, understood?” Name demanded. The nurse nodded fearfully and ran off. Name sighed wearily and sat down next to Heero.  
          “Thank you, mom,” he murmured. She smiled at him.  
          “You never have to thank me for this. I meant what I said, we’re all that Duo has. I don’t know where Duo’s father is, but the man has a lot to answer for and right now, Duo doesn’t need him.”  
          Heero put his hands over his eyes.   
          “I yelled at him again, I made him cry. He was… selling himself to some stranger! I just… exploded. I made him cry…”  
          Name stroked his hair.  
          “Heero, no one’s perfect. You were angry and while I don’t like what you did, you got over it.”  
          “He forgave me,” Heero murmured, “I don’t understand him. I yelled at him, hit him, and he forgave me…”  
          Name smiled.  
          “He loves you and you love him. That’s a part of friendship, forgiving someone you love for acting like an idiot.”  
          Heero snorted.  
          “I just didn’t want to see the truth, and now he could die… I don’t deserve to be here, Duo deserves a better friend than me!”   
          Name sighed.  
          “Heero, you hurt him and, through your own stubbornness, you hurt yourself, but you’re his only friend and he needs you here, not at home sulking over the past.”  
          Heero bit his lip.  
          “As sorry as I am, I can’t leave him.”   
          The two Yuys waited for the nurse to return and after a few minutes, the anxiety finally caught up with Heero and he collapsed into a fitful sleep. Name watched over him with a sad smile. This was the second time Heero had been in this position, she just hoped that history wouldn’t repeat itself.   
   
 _He was a kid again, being led through the white corridor by someone much larger than himself. He didn’t want to go there! He knew what lied in there; death and decay and pain! But, the hand didn’t let go of his smaller one as it dragged him forward. The door opened Heero was shoved forward. He stumbled up to the hospital bed. He looked up at the blood caked face with fear. This wasn’t right… it was all a lie… dying violet eyes looked down at him._  
 _“Heero, I forgave you… so why did you kill me?” Duo asked in a terrible, wet voice._  
  
 _“It’s time to say goodbye, Heero,” he heard someone say._  
   
            
          Heero shot awake, almost falling out of the chair, but his mother’s grip on his arm saved him.   
          “Heero, it’s alright!” she cried, helping him back into the chair.   
          “I killed him,” Heero panted, “oh, God, he’s dead, isn’t he?!”   
          “No!” Name said, “Heero, it’s only been twenty minutes, the nurse will be back soon. I’m sure Duo’s fine!” she said, but she almost bit off the lie. Heero wiped at his eyes.  
          “He can’t die, mom, he just can’t.” But, Heero knew the truth, Duo could die. He had thought as a child that his parents could never die, but his father had and now, Duo could as well. For the first time, Heero realized just how hard his father’s death had been for his mother. She was so good at hiding her feelings, he had never really thought about it before, but he thought about how much it hurt thinking about Duo dying and he knew that as much as he had been hurting losing his father, his mother’s pain must have been so much worse. He grabbed at her hand and squeezed.   
            
          True to his mother’s word, Nurse Barton with news about Duo.  
          “He’s still in surgery, so I can’t ask the surgeon how he’s doing, but his doctor has given me his initial findings,” Barton frowned, “it’s the strangest thing, but I can’t find any medical records on him…”  
          Name waved a hand at her.  
          “I’m sure that he doesn’t but if you would please tell us what his doctor said?”  
          Barton looked at her nervously.  
          “It’s just a preliminary prognosis…”  
          “I don’t care!” Heero snarled, getting to his feet, “Just tell me what’s wrong with him!”   
          Barton sighed.   
          “A very minor concussion, three cracked ribs, a ruptured spleen, malnutrition, internal bleeding, several epidermis issues such as excessive scar tissue, bruises, contusions, cuts, and burns, hypothermia, bronchitis, anemia, there are some burst blood vessels in his stomach and lungs that have caused him to cough and vomit up blood and he seems to be going through some sort of withdrawal, but we don’t know what kind of drug it is yet. The worst,” she hesitated, “well, he shows signs of very severe anal and rectal trauma and there is a great deal of scar tissue in that area that needs to be taken care of or he’ll have complications.”  
          Heero clenched his hands.   
          “The thing is,” the nurse bit her lip, “the doctor says that it takes a long time for that much scar tissue to build up. Do you know how old he is?” she asked in concern.  
          “He’s fifteen!” Name snapped angrily, “Are you suggesting that he was raped as a child?”  
          “I’m not qualified to say that,” Barton said sadly, “you’ll have to ask his doctor.”  
          “How long will he be in surgery?” Heero asked. The nurse smiled at him.  
          “He should be out in four hours, unless there’s any complications, but he probably won’t regain consciousness tonight.”   
          Heero gave his mother a nervous look and squeezed her hand.   
   
   
          “Heero!” Heero’s head shot up as he heard Quatre call his name. It had been two hours already and they hadn’t heard anything more about Duo. Heero felt like ripping his guts out with the silence in the halls. Neither he nor his mother had gotten anymore sleep, no matter how tired they were, they couldn’t sleep. Heero couldn’t remember a time when he had felt worse than he did now.   
          Quatre, Trowa, and, to his surprise, Wufei, ran through the waiting room to them.   
          “What are you doing here?” Name asked, surprised. Quatre shrugged.  
          “We’ve been checking hospital records, remember? When we got home and you guys weren’t here, we checked the hospitals and we rushed over. We met this guy,” he jerked his thumb at Wufei, “on the way.”  
          “What are you doing here, Chang?” Heero asked, too weary to start a fight. He honestly didn’t care if Wufei had come to see if Duo was alright, right now, Duo was the only thing that mattered to him.   
          “My mother works here,” he explained, “she knows how I feel about Duo and she told me that he was in surgery. May I sit?” Wufei gestured to the seats. Heero nodded.  
          “Go ahead, you’re not bothering anyone.”  
          “How are you holding up?” Quatre asked.  
          “The doctor says he should be out in two more hours,” Name said.  
          “It’s been a long night,” Heero murmured dejectedly, not feeling like explaining all that had happened with Wufei listening. Quatre hugged him.  
          “It’ll be alright, Heero.”  
          Heero nodded, but didn’t believe him.   
   
   
          “Maxwell family?” a tall man in a white lab coat called. Heero blinked blearily at him. It had been four and a half hours, had the doctor finally showed up to tell him that his best friend was dead? Heero didn’t know what was worse, waiting or knowing the truth.  
          “That’s us,” Name said as she stood. The doctor looked at her in suspicion, but didn’t say anything. Heero had seen it a thousand times where his mother was concerned.   
          “Dr. Stark,” the man introduced himself, shaking Name’s hand, “I’m Mr. Maxwell’s doctor.”   
          “No offense, Doctor,” Name interrupted, “but we’ve been waiting five hours to see Duo, so either give us some good news or leave us alone.”  
          The green eyes doctor smiled at her.  
          “Of course, I’m sorry. Duo is out of surgery. We managed to remove his spleen successfully. He’s resting now, but he’ll need a couple more surgeries to take care of his infections and the injuries to his anus.”  
          “Can we see him?” Heero demanded excitedly. Duo was alive…   
          “He’s still recovering from surgery, but he’s sedated, so I’m willing to let in one person.”       
          Heero blushed as all eyes except for Wufei’s annoyed ones fell on him. He turned to his mother.  
          “You need this, Heero,” she said. The doctor motioned Heero to follow and the two of them disappeared out of the waiting room.   
          “Alright, Name, you have to tell us what’s going on,” Quatre demanded.  
   
   
          Heero swallowed nervously as Stark led him to Duo’s room. He tried to ignore the similarities between reality and his dream. What if Duo was dead when he got there? What if Stark had lied?   
          But, when Heero opened the door to Duo’s room, he didn’t see a bloody corpse. He stared at the pale figure in the bed and felt as though his guts were trying to crawl out of his throat. Stark patted his shoulder.  
          “I need to talk to your mother about some things. I’ll be back in a little while,” the man said and left Heero alone. Heero slowly approached the bed. Duo was lying on his stomach, the back of his gown open and Heero winced as he saw the tubes attached to him there, as well as the ones in his arms. Duo hated sleeping on his stomach, he remembered, he always slept on his side, but Heero noted the heavy bandages on his side, along with more tubes, and realized that it was impossible for him to sleep that way and would be for awhile. His hair was loose and pushed to the side to keep away from his back. Heero’s eyes trailed over Duo’s pale skin, pausing on each horrible scar. How had he not noticed them? Someone had tortured him. Had it been Zechs, his father, or someone else? He saw what Barton had meant about ancient scar tissue, because some of the scars were very old. Heero tried to imagine Duo as a child, taking those scars, and couldn’t bear it. His friend looked so broken laying on the bed like that.He pushed a chair over to Duo’s bedside. The doctor had said that he would be moved in the morning, but tonight he had to be monitored in this room. Heero knew that he wasn’t going to be leaving him anytime soon. He had left him before and he wasn’t ever doing that again. He had let this happen… no, the bastard who did this was at fault! He brushed Duo’s bangs away from his face.  
          “I’m so sorry. I’ll protect you, I promise.”   
   
   
          Heero didn’t know when he had drifted off while watching Duo sleep, but when he finally woke up, he was in a different room. Duo was in a different bed and half of the tubes were gone. He sure looked a lot better, not so… frail. He was still on his back, but the tubes in his back were gone and the gown was closed, for which he was glad. He didn’t like people looking at that slender back. His mother was sitting in a chair next to him, watching Duo sleep.   
          “Good morning, Heero,” she smiled.  
          “How is he?” Heero asked.  
          “He’s doing better. Dr. Stark thinks that he should be waking up soon. They figured out the drug that he had been given and they gave him something for the withdrawal and pain of the operation. They drained most of the abscesses last night, but they still have to operate of the scar tissue and tears,” she told him. He nodded. She stretched painfully and stood.  
          “I’m going to call Trowa and Quatre, they went back home last night. I’m sure they’ll want to be here when Duo wakes up.”  
          Heero almost rolled his eyes at the subtle way his mother left him alone. He looked around the room in her absence. There wasn’t much of a difference between this room and the last. The nurse came in and out, checking Duo’s heart beat and blood pressure and smiling in an annoyingly sweet way to Heero.   
          “Heero?” a soft voice asked. Heero looked at Duo sharply, who was staring at him. Suddenly, Duo’s eyes brightened and he rolled over, launching himself at Heero.  
          “Heero!” he cried, molding himself to Heero’s body, making him blush, “Heero, oh, god, I missed you!” he cried. Heero grabbed at him in alarm.  
          “Duo! Don’t move!” he demanded, pushing Duo back into bed. “You’re going to hurt yourself.”  
          Duo winced as he felt a sharp pain in his side, but it quickly vanished. What the hell? He felt oddly… happy and he couldn’t feel much pain. Heero caught Duo’s confused expression and chuckled.  
          “It’s the drugs.” Heero suddenly frowned.  
          “I missed you so much. Gods, Duo, I’m so sorry!”  
          “Don’t!” Duo snapped, “I don’t care, ok? I spent the last month yearning to be with you! I lied to you!”  
          “And I hit you!” Heero protested.  
          “Can we just put this behind us?” Duo begged, “I need you, Heero. I can’t deal with any of this right now. I feel so… spacey.”  
          Heero held his hand.  
          “I know, but as soon as you feel better, we need to talk, ok?”   
          Duo nodded.  
          “Alright.”   
          Suddenly, Duo burst into tears.  
          “I missed you so much! I wanted to see you, but I was so ashamed…”   
          Heero laid his head against Duo’s undamaged shoulder.  
          “Don’t, I want answers to why this happened, but right now, I don’t care about it. I missed you, too.”  
          “Why can’t I control myself?” Duo murmured, too weak to even wipe away his tears, but Heero did it for him.   
          “It’s the drugs,” Heero repeated. Duo shook his head.  
          “That’s not what I meant. Ever since that day, I can’t get control of myself. I can’t be strong anymore.”  
          “Who says that you have to?” Heero asked.  
          “It’s all I have, just, surviving.”  
          Heero smiled.  
          “What about living?”  
          Duo snorted.  
          “Not in the agenda.”   
            
          The two friends were suddenly broken out of their conversation as the door opened and Name, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei walked inside.   
          “Quatre, Trowa!” Duo cried cheerfully, making Name smirk. They all knew that once the drugs wore off, there would be hell to pay, but for now, Name felt glad that he wasn’t miserable.   
          “Hi, Duo,” Trowa grinned, “how’re you feeling?”  
          Duo frowned.  
          “Kind of weird. I can’t feel any pain.”  
          “Well, that would be the point of the drugs,” Quatre said dryly, wanting to hug Duo tightly but knew that he couldn’t. He almost cried as he approached the bed with the knowledge of what Name had told them. He settled for just squeezing Duo’s hand instead.   
          “Mrs. Yuy!” Duo cried. Name smiled at him and kissed his cheek.  
          “It’s Name, Duo,” she scolded, sharing a look with Trowa. Why couldn’t this Duo stay forever? She didn’t want to think about what was going to happen after.   
          “Duo, I need to talk to you about what happened,” she said. Duo’s eyes darkened. Wufei looked a little put out about not getting a greeting from Duo, but was anxious to find out what was going on. Why was his beautiful Duo in the hospital and why was everyone being so secretive?   
          “I don’t want to talk about it,” Duo said, his expression begging Name to stop.  
          “You have to, Duo. I need to know if the cops should be involved.”  
          “They have to be!” Heero snapped, “He’s been abused!”   
          “How do you know about that?” Duo asked fearfully.  
          “It’s a hard thing to hide, sweetie,” Name said, “I’m just sorry that it took us so long to find it out.”   
          “I can’t talk about it!” Duo insisted.  
          “Look at yourself, Duo,” Name whispered, “someone beat you and I want to know who it was! You’re just a child and you need to be protected!”   
          Duo looked away from her.  
          “Nothing happened. Nothing’s wrong, I just had a little accident.”   
          “Don’t you dare say that!” Heero snapped, “You’ve been protecting your father since I met you and he’s the one who did this, isn’t he?!”   
          Duo remained silent. He loved Heero, but he could never give up Wes’ name. Name kneeled by his bedside, gripped his chin, and forced him to look at her.  
          “Honey, why won’t you give up his name?” she asked softly. Duo felt tears prickle at his eyes and he let them fall.   
          “He hasn’t just hurt you, has he? He made you sell yourself, didn’t he? Why are you so attached to a man that’s abused you?”   
          Duo looked into her kind, motherly black eyes and broke.  
          “I never knew my parents, either of them. I’d lived on the streets my whole life before I met who I call my ‘father’.”  
          They were all shocked to here that, but they stayed silent, afraid that Duo would stop talking if they said anything.  
          “This man approached me one day, he told me that if I did a job for him, he’d give me something to eat. I knew that I shouldn’t go with him, but I did. I was so hungry,” he tried to look away from Name, but she wouldn’t let go of him.  
          “How old were you?” she asked.  
          “Seven.”  
          “You were just a baby,” she murmured, “even if you knew that he was bad, it wasn’t your fault for wanting food, it was his fault for taking advantage of your position.”  
          Duo wanted to stop, he didn’t want to tell this woman the whole truth, but at the same time, he did. He wanted her to keep that soft, sympathetic look through the whole story.   
          “He drugged the food. He raped me.”  
          The room was silent in shock with the exception of a small noise from Quatre.  
          “He… trained me. Told me that he would give me shelter if I became his whore. So, that’s what I am. A whore.”  
          “A child whore,” Name murmured in disgust, but when she looked into Duo’s eyes, Duo realized that she wasn’t disgusted him and relaxed. He looked at Heero, but to his shock, there was no hate in his blue eyes, just sadness.  
          “How are you so smart?” the Japanese boy asked. Duo blinked at him.  
          “What?”  
          “You say that you lived on the street all your life, but how do you know how to read?”  
          “I taught myself how to read,” Duo explained, “he had some brochures and stuff in the apartment we lived in and I figured out how to read using the pictures.”  
          “That’s incredible!” Quatre exclaimed.   
          “Not really,” Duo replied, “it was all I could do to keep my mind off of what I was doing for him.”  
          “If he raped you, then why are you protecting him?” Trowa asked. Duo looked at Name again.  
          “He’s all I have,” Duo said and Name shuddered at the dead look in his gorgeous eyes, “He’s the only parent I’ve ever known. How could I have betrayed him? I’m only alive today because of him…”  
          “Duo, what’s his name?” Heero asked, looking into Duo’s eyes. Duo bit his lip. Half of him yelled at him to not say Wes’ name, while the other wanted to get it over with. What would happen to Wes if he told? Would he go to jail? And what would happen to himself? But, he stayed focused on Heero’s eyes.  
          “Wes. Wes Maxwell.”   
          Name smiled at him.  
          “Ok.”  
          “What are you going to do?” Duo asked desperately.  
          “We won’t go to the police,” she assured him.  
          “The fuck?!” Heero snarled. “That asshole has to go to jail!” Duo flinched a little at Heero’s anger. Name sighed.  
          “Don’t be an ass, Heero. Duo’s fifteen. If we involve the cops, he’ll be shipped off to an orphanage. So, unless you never want to see him again, I suggest you do what I say.”  
          Heero shut his mouth. His mother was right, he knew that, but he still wanted this Wes to pay.   
          “For right now, we won’t do anything. Once Duo’s better, we’ll look for Maxwell, but right now, Duo’s health is the most important thing,” she looked at Duo.   
          “Why didn’t you fight?” Wufei murmured. They all looked him as though they had forgotten he was with them.  
          “Why didn’t you fight back?!” he screamed at Duo, who flinched. Heero stood in front of him protectively and glared at Wufei who didn’t notice him.  
          “You should have fought back, even if you had died!”   
          Heero opened his mouth to yell at Wufei for saying something so terrible, but Duo beat him to it.   
          “Do you know what it’s like being raped?”  
          Wufei just blinked at him.  
          “It’s like a game show. You watch it on TV and think ‘I can do that so easily, so why are these guys losing so badly?’ But then you’re on that show and you can’t think because of all the lights and the pressure… You see a victim talking on TV about freezing up, being unable to fight and think that, when the time comes, you’d be able to do what that person couldn’t, but you can’t. You freeze, you can’t fight, you can barely breathe! It’s like someone’s stealing a huge part of your soul and when it’s all done, you’re never the same. After the initial shock of what had happened to me wore off, I did try to fight. He beat me. It wasn’t hard, a scrawny kid against a grown man. Even when I got my hands on a knife, he was still bigger than me, still stronger. Then I tried to run away, he found me and raped me again, only this time, he beat me at the same time. He told me that if I ever run away again, he would break my body into little pieces. And fuck it, I was afraid. But, when I couldn’t see Heero anymore, I gave up and ran away again. He told me that if I put anything above my ‘job’, he would tie me up, drug me, and have men fuck me on a bed for the rest of my life.”  
          It was Name who made the noise this time and she started to cry.   
          “He caught me again and he fulfilled his threat. But, he ‘loved’ me, so he let me go and here we are,” Duo snapped, “I fought and I fought, but he fucking won every time!”   
          As Duo started to break down, Wufei couldn’t take anymore and fled the room. He found himself in the waiting room and sat down on a chair heavily. How could this be?   
          He remembered the first time he and Fai had had sex and how pure his love had been. Duo wasn’t Fai. That thought hit him like a ton of bricks. Duo was beautiful and tainted. He wasn’t a God, he was just a little boy that needed some comfort. And… he couldn’t help him. Shit, he was only sixteen, how could anyone deal with this?! He hung his head. Why couldn’t he just go back to China? He just wanted to be with his lover and not have to deal with haunted beauties and all these… angsts.   
   
   
          Quatre and Trowa said their goodbyes to Duo who was slowly falling back to sleep again, and left, holding each other’s hand tightly. As Heero watched Duo struggle to not fall asleep, he couldn’t help but think about his own father. He had been so kind… how could anyone hurt a child, let alone rape one? He couldn’t understand it! He wanted to rip the man into little shreds and spit on them.   
          “Name,” Duo rasped, “I’m sorry about getting water on your floor.”  
          Heero’s mother laughed.  
          “It’s alright sweetie, no harm done.”  
          Duo looked at Heero.  
          “Hee… I’m scared,” he murmured sleepily. Heero smiled fondly at him.  
          “I’m here,” he promised, “I’m not going anywhere,” he squeezed his hand.   
          Name and Heero watched as Duo finally fell asleep, hoping that he wouldn’t dream.  
  
End Chapter 5  
  



	9. The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo struggles with life in the hospital after his many surgeries, dealing with feelings of guilt, inadequacy, fear, and withdrawal. He finds out the real reason why he has poor eyesight.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 6: The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind  
Part 1  
   
   
          Duo’s last surgery held no complications, but it left him feeling depressed and withdrawn. Heero and Name accepted the fact that he didn’t want to talk to anyone and gave him some space, though they never ventured very far. Wufei tried to visit him to apologize for his behavior, but, though he had been given medicine to help with his withdrawal, it was still making him very irritable and he had snapped at Wufei. Wufei had been jealous that Duo never snapped at Heero a single time and finally gave up visiting him.   
          Shortly after Duo’s last operation, he seemed much more comfortable and his doctor started to wean him off of the morphine. However, off the drugs, Duo became even more depressed and tried to withdraw completely, his body feeling more of the little aches and pains. One of the few joys of the hospital was the food. Duo had seldom ever had three meals a day, so while Heero and Name made faces at the food, Duo couldn’t get over the fact that he would be fed every day. He told Name and Heero this, but it only made Name upset, so he tried to stop looking so happy about it. But, as Duo slowly started to return to himself on the third day, he stopped eating.  
   
            
          “You have to eat something,” Heero insisted as he sat by Duo’s bedside. His mother had gone home earlier as she had to work, but Heero refused to leave Duo. He still couldn’t believe that his friend was in front of him, mostly whole and safe. When Duo was with his doctor, Heero took a shower. Through his mother, they had managed to secure Duo a private room and, going against several hospital regulations, Heero had brought in a second bed so he wouldn’t leave him for sleeping. Heero knew it was silly, but he was terrified that if he left Duo for more than a couple of hours, he would die, all alone.  
          “I’m not hungry,” Duo grumbled. Heero sighed. The boy had been very touchy since getting off his painkiller and spent his time rocking between crying and snapping at people, but Heero was tolerant of the behavior. Heero didn’t pity Duo for what he had gone through but he did understand that sort of trauma created emotions like this and confessing what had happened hadn’t made it better. Heero was just glad that he had slept better last night. Heero had learned early on that Duo had bad nightmares without him around, but the doctor had finally allowed Duo to sleep on his good side and that had helped a lot, too.  
          “I know you feel ill,” Heero tried, “but you had major surgery a few days ago and you need to eat.”  
          “How can you stand to look at me?” Duo demanded. Heero stared at him.   
          “Duo… what are you talking about”  
          “After all that I’ve told you… why are you still here? Aren’t you disgusted?”   
          “Duo, I’m amazed!”   
          Duo’s eyes widened in shock.  
          “If the same thing had happened to me… I don’t think I’d be able to keep going like you have.”  
          “Don’t say that!” Duo cried, “I’m not strong, not like you!”   
          “Duo-,” Heero started to protest, alarmed.  
          “I don’t want to think of you going through what I went through!”   
          “But that’s just it! You _did_ go through it! I care about you, Duo. Don’t you think that it tears me up knowing what happened? But, you did survive! So, yes, I’m amazed. I’m not disgusted.”  
          “But, Wufei was right, I should have done more to fight it! I mean, I’m a guy, if I didn’t fight it, I had to like it, right?”   
          “That is such bullshit!” Heero snapped, “Wufei’s an ass. You did everything you could. The fact that you’re a guy means nothing. Did you tell Wes ‘no’?”   
          “Y-yes, but sometimes… sometimes I _did_ like it…,” Duo admitted shamefully, feeling like he was going to combust. He couldn’t believe that he had just said that!   
          “Did you want to enjoy it?” Heero asked, furious. Duo shook his head.   
          “My body liked it,” he murmured, “but it made me feel sick.”  
          Heero nodded.   
          “You can’t help what your body does, it would have reacted the same way no matter who was touching you, whether you wanted to scream or kiss them. You’re not weak. You were violated by someone who had control over you. I know you feel dirty and bad right now, but it’s normal for anyone that’s been abused, sex doesn’t even have to be involved, but because it was, it makes you feel worse.”  
          Duo stared at him.  
          “It’s… normal?” he asked, perplexed. How could this possibly be considered normal? How could Heero ever want to be his friend again?   
          Heero rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.  
          “I did a little research,” he admitted, “I want to help you and it seemed like the best way to do it.”  
          Duo’s eyes widened.  
          “There’s research on this?” he asked in disbelief. Heero smiled brightly.   
          “There’s a lot, actually. I told you, it’s normal to feel this way. It’s not your fault, Duo, it’s his. There’s nothing you can say to me that will make me think badly of you,” Heero assured him. Duo looked away from him.   
          “Heero, there’s nothing good left in me. There’s nothing here worth your friendship. You may think that I’m not dirty, but I _am_. I’ve done disgusting things just because I was scared and too weak to do anything about it. I betrayed you. I hid so many things from you because I didn’t want to admit the truth. I hurt you just so I could live in some stupid fantasy world for a little while! I’m _not_ a good person!”   
          Heero held Duo’s hand in his. It looked so tiny sandwiched between his bigger hands.   
          “Duo, you never told Wes he could have sex with you, he stole it from you, so as far as I’m concerned, it didn’t count. You’re not dirty, not in my eyes. You’re not weak, you did the one thing _anyone_ should have done; you survived. You didn’t do anything disgusting and being scared doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. I am upset that you hid things from me, but only because I could have helped you. I’m _glad_ that my friendship made you happy for that short while. I’m glad that my own obliviousness gave you a little bit of peace. I’m the one that should be sorry. I knew that there was something wrong and I didn’t do anything about it.”  
          “Heero, no one did anything and it’s not like I gave you a reason to think I was in danger.”  
          “That doesn’t matter! You’re my friend and I knew that there was something wrong, I should have tried to help you! You _are_ a good person. You’re wrong, there is so much good inside of you!”   
          “Name one thing!” Duo demanded. Heero smiled.  
          “You never betrayed me, not once, not even when you should have.”  
          Duo frowned.  
          “I don’t understand.”  
          “Duo, I’ve met a lot of people and, for awhile, I tried to have friends other than Quatre and Trowa but each and every time, everyone at some point tried to use me, and your using me to be happy doesn’t count because everyone does that to each other, but these people didn’t want my friendship, they wanted my power, but you never did. Even when you were hungry, you never stole from me.”  
          “I did try once,” Duo said, looking into Heero’s eyes, waiting for the anger to come, but this time, it didn’t.   
          “But you didn’t, why?”   
          Duo looked away.  
          “I just… couldn’t.”  
          Heero squeezed his hand gently.  
          “Anyone else would have.”  
          “You were my friend, I couldn’t bear to do it. Wes also told me to seduce you and I couldn’t do that, either,” Duo admitted, his eyes downcast at the thought. Heero blushed darkly.  
          “Well, I’m glad that you decided not to.”  
          “Why?” Duo asked bitterly, hiding his face from Heero in case he could see the truth there, “Because it would have disgusted you?”   
          Heero’s blush deepened.  
          “N-no… I…”  
          ‘Because it would have worked,’ Heero thought to himself. He tried to imagine Duo coming on to him and his face flamed to the point of near combustion as he realized that the mere thought of it was making him hard. Fortunately, as Duo was lying down and couldn’t sit up it was impossible for him to see it. But, there was a darker thought under the sexy one of Duo being interested in him; Duo being forced to seduce his best friend who, Heero still couldn’t believe it was true, he cared for and trusted.   
          “I never want to see you degrade yourself like that, not for any reason,” Heero said. Duo blinked at him.   
          “Heero, I’ve done it hundreds of times…”  
          “But that doesn’t make it right!” Heero pointed out, “It just makes it worse,” he smiled, “but you won’t ever have to do it again, that’s one thing I can do for you!”   
          Shock, relief, and pure, intense love hit Duo like a wall of bricks. He started to cry, unable to handle the strange wash of emotions. He tried to hide his tears, trying to curl up, but his wounds made it hurt too much.  
          “Duo!” Heero cried in alarm.  
          “I don’t deserve you,” Duo said quietly as he tried to get his tears under control. Heero brushed Duo’s bangs back.   
          “Duo, that’s not true. You deserve so much… I just wish I could do more,” Heero said, wiping Duo’s tears away, “I wish I could make all the bad stuff go away, make things hurt less somehow…”  
          “You’re doing a pretty good job so far,” Duo murmured, flexing his fingers in Heero’s grip. Heero felt himself start to blush again and wanted to look away, but he didn’t dare.  
          “What if you were back on the morphine? You wouldn’t feel any pain and you wouldn’t have any bad dreams,” Heero suggested.  
          “Please, no more drugs,” Duo pleaded and Heero suddenly felt sick, wanting to strike himself for not realizing Duo’s obvious feelings, “I didn’t feel the pain, but all I did was float, it was too much like before…”  
          Heero nodded.  
          “Alright, no drugs,” he said, feeling like an even bigger ass as Duo relaxed. He hid his face in his hand. He felt so tired. Not as tired as Duo felt, he bet, after all, he wasn’t the one combating illness and the affects of major surgery, but he still felt worn thin. It was the anxiety of looking after Duo and worrying about his health, coupled by the fact that every time he looked at the violet eyed boy, he remembered what had happened to him and a myriad of dark emotions of sadness, fury, regret, and bitter love swirled inside of him like a terrible current.  
          “Heero, why don’t you go home?” Duo asked, noting Heero’s posture and tense back, “I mean, it’s not right that you’re missing school because of me and I’m sure you and your mother want things to go back to normal, so just go home.”  
          Heero lifted his head to look at him.  
          “Alright, I’ll go home if you can look me in the eye and truthfully tell me that you don’t need me to be here.”  
          Duo bit his lip and looked guilty, knowing that the truth was plain on his face. It was true. He felt so guilty that he was disturbing Heero’s life, but at the same time, he was terrified of the thought of Heero leaving.  
          “Besides,” Heero said with a smile, “you’re not the only one who needs me to be here. I’m staying, the rest of the world will just have to deal with that because right now, you need me more than any of them do.”   
          With that, the two boys lapsed into a comfortable silence. Heero relaxed in his chair, tucking the sheets around Duo’s shoulders as the bed-ridden boy snuggled into the pillows. As the minutes passed, Heero was sure that Duo had fallen asleep.  
          “You’re really not mad at me anymore?” Duo suddenly asked.  
          “No,” Heero assured him, “I’m just so angry at the man that did this to you. He had no right to put his hands on you! No one deserves something so terrible, and you were just a child! It makes me feel sick inside. I want to hurt him, to show him how it feels to be at the mercy of someone who should be protecting you, not hurting you, I want to _kill_ him! So, uh,” Heero said sheepishly, “if I seem angry sometimes, it’s not your fault.”  
          Duo looked at Heero his eyes soft with affection.  
          “I’m not mad at him” he said. Heero stared at him in shock.  
          “I mean, I still hate the violence and sex and drugs, but I’m actually grateful. If it weren’t for Wes, I’d still be living on the streets or maybe even dead. Because of him I was able to go to school. Because of him, I met you. So, it’s kind of hard to be pissed when you’re here with me.”  
          Heero ran a hand through his hair.   
          “Duo, that’s really fucked up,” he said shakily. Duo laughed.  
          “I know it is, but I’ve met hundreds of perverts and very few friends,” Duo reasoned.   
          Despite Duo’s initial point, Heero found himself smiling. _He_ was one of Duo’s friends. It made him feel special and he knew how precious that was. He eyed Duo’s still uneaten dinner tray.   
          “Will you eat something?” he tried again. Duo looked exasperated by Heero being so stubborn, but looked away.  
          “It makes me feel sick,” he admitted, embarrassed by his own body’s weakness. Heero frowned, not liking that fact one bit.   
          “Well, you haven’t eaten anything decent in awhile, but you still need to eat. You’re malnourished and your body needs food to heal.”  
          “I know that,” Duo grumbled “I’m just so tired of feeling sick all the time.”  
          Heero sighed.  
          “Please, Duo?”   
          The desperate, pleading tone those words had cut right through Duo’s heart and he nodded.  
          “I’ll try a little.”  
          Heero beamed and picked up the soup. It was cold from sitting there for hours, but Heero knew that Duo didn’t care. He hated that. Duo should want the best, but he was so used to getting nothing at all that he had no standards. It was strange to someone like Heero who was used to the best. However, the soup was bland, perfect for Duo if he was nauseated by food. The longhaired boy still couldn’t use his hands very well, so Heero always ended up feeding him, much to Duo’s embarrassment, but Heero didn’t mind. Duo’s stomach turned at the mere thought of food, but he let Heero feed him to keep him happy.  
          “Do you know what happened to my glasses?” Duo asked once he had had enough of the soup to satisfy Heero. Heero paused, thinking hard. The night that he had brought Duo to the hospital was still a blur to him, he couldn’t even remember if Duo had had his glasses on when he had found him in his house. Truthfully, he didn’t miss the glasses one bit. He was used to seeing Duo’s naked, handsome face now. His glasses had made him look cute, but he looked even cuter without them. Heero reasoned that if he couldn’t remember if Duo had arrived at the hospital with the glasses, Duo probably wouldn’t remember, either.  
          “I’ll ask your doctor,” he tried to assure him. Duo nodded, but frowned. The thought of losing his glasses was unsettling. He had no health assurance, no money, and now he had no way of making any. The thought of continuing his life of prostitution made his skin crawl. He felt sick, weak, and pitiful, but the thought that he wouldn’t ever have to spread his legs for money or shelter or safety again made him feel damn giddy, even if it was unlikely. The one thing that he couldn’t stomach to think of right now was the future. Once he was all better, he would have nowhere to go. Hell, he couldn’t even pay for his hospital bills! Prostitution was all he knew, but Heero had destroyed him. It was because of him that he had lost the ability to cope with it anymore, though, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t muster up any anger at that. Getting new glasses seemed tiny in the ocean of worries he had. He couldn’t go back to the streets, Wes would find him in a heartbeat! Now that he had finally made the decision to sever all ties to the man, both the threat of being found by him and going back to selling himself felt terrible.  
            
          Heero left Duo’s room in search for Dr. Stark. He didn’t like leaving him alone, even for a few minutes, the memory of Duo running away in the storm still fresh in his mind, but Heero also wanted to make him as comfortable as possible and he thought that getting Duo some glasses seemed like a step in the right direction. He eventually found the doctor in the employee lunch room, making himself a cup of coffee.   
          “Heero, you shouldn’t be in here,” Stark said in annoyance as Heero entered.   
          “I know, I’m sorry,” Heero apologized, “but I was wondering if you remember if Duo was wearing glasses when I brought him in.”  
          Stark’s brow furrowed in concentration.  
          “I don’t believe so.”  
          “Are you sure?” Heero insisted.  
          “Yes, I’m positive. Does he have bad eye problems?” Stark asked.  
          Heero ran a hand through his messy hair.   
          “Yeah. He needs his glasses, but he doesn’t have a prescription,” he explained. The doctor raised an eyebrow at that.  
          “Well, we do have an optometrist on staff, but he mostly helps with eye surgeries and those who have lost their sight and need help adjusting, but I’m sure he’ll be willing to have a look at Mr. Maxwell.”  
          Heero immediately brightened.  
          “Where is he?” he asked eagerly. Stark looked at his watch.  
          “He should be coming off his break soon, but you might be able to catch him in the cafeteria. His name’s Doctor James-,”  
          “Thanks, Doctor!” Heero yelled and ran out of the room.   
          “Hey!” Stark yelled, “No running!” He sighed as he heard Heero continue running, his footfalls heavy in the quiet hospital, “Damn kids,” he muttered to himself.  
   
            
   
   
          Duo opened his eyes in complete darkness and panicked. He hadn’t intended on falling asleep, but it had to be night if the lights were off, or maybe Heero had decided to take a nap, too, only Duo knew that wasn’t true. It wasn’t the darkness that made him panic, though the dark did make him feel edgy now after what Wes had done in that dark room. Usually he could see the light of the heart monitor, but he was on his side facing away from it and was still too weak to turn over without some help. He had known the very second he had opened his eyes that he was alone and that was much scarier than the dark. He hated this hospital. He had never felt this weak before and the knowledge that he was now alone and that everyone who walked the halls was heavily equipped with needles and sharp things made him want to run, if he could only muster the strength to stand. He stayed still, listening for the wonderful sound of Heero’s familiar breathing, something that he had become strongly attuned to in the last few days, but he was met with only silence. His heart raced as he realized he couldn’t even hear the heart monitor, only a light dripping sound. He tried to reach out for Heero’s chair, but something was pinning his body down and he couldn’t move an inch. His violet eyes widened in the darkness.  
          _Heero!_ he tried to yell, but no sound escaped him, there was only that annoying, steady dripping.   
          Suddenly, the door opened and someone walked into the room, but Duo didn’t need any light to know who it was. He knew his footsteps, his scent, his breathing… he had been so intoned to the man’s mere presence since his childhood that he could sense him even if he was blind and deaf. The lights were flicked on and Duo’s scream was caught in his throat. He had been wrong; Heero hadn’t left him alone…  
          He was sitting in the chair by his bedside, as always, his deep blue eyes permanently staring at him, his head tilted to the side, his neck slashed so deeply he could see the bone, his green shirt soaked in blood so dark it was almost black and it made a soft dripping sound as it ran down his slack hand.   
   
          “Duo!”   
   
          It was the sound of Heero’s voice that woke him. His eyes shot open, but even in the bright light of the room, it was like he was still blind. He latched onto the familiar sound of his best friend’s voice. Dead people couldn’t talk, dead people couldn’t plead the living to wake up or ask why they were shaking, why they were crying. For the first few seconds of waking, all Duo knew was Heero’s voice, he didn’t need any other information. Joy and adrenaline coursed through him and he twisted in bed, managing to sit up and wrap his arms around Heero tightly. The IVs in his arms tugged at his skin unpleasantly, but he barely felt them as he came into contact with Heero’s warm and very real body.  
          Heero watched in alarm as Duo lurched forward and clutched at him desperately, still crying, and one of his IV lines caught, wrapped around his arm, pulling at his skin. Realizing that Duo’s weak grip on him was the only thing keeping him from crashing to the floor, Heero gently wrapped an arm around Duo’s back, being careful of the bandaged parts of his body.  
          “Duo, don’t do that!” Heero yelled, but Duo didn’t seem to hear him, tangling his thin fingers in Heero’s shirt.  
          “Not… dead?” Duo’s words were muffled as he attempted to bury his face in his friend’s chest, but Heero heard him and was becoming more alarmed by the minute. He stroked Duo’s hair and cheek, noting how cold and shaky he was.   
          “Duo, I’m fine, I’m alive, see?” he untangled Duo’s hand from his top, slipped it under his shirt, and pressed it against his breast.  
          “Not dead,” Heero said softly.  
          “Not dead,” Duo echoed, the warmth of Heero’s skin and the feeling of his heartbeat under his fingertips helped to bring him out of his lingering nightmare and into reality. The two boys blushed as their position suddenly dawned on them. Heero tried to deny how good it felt to have Duo’s thin hand on his bare skin, but it was useless. Duo hesitantly withdrew his hand, blinking in the bright light.  
          “I had a bad dream,” he realized. Heero nodded.   
          “Are you ok?” he asked, looking at Duo’s eyes, bloodshot from crying.  
          “I-I think so… it just seemed so real…”  
          Heero carefully helped Duo back onto his side on the bed and tucked him back in. He nervously checked the IV lines untangling them and found that no blood had leaked into them, but he was still worried. After everything that Duo had been through, he wasn’t sure how much more he could take. Duo looked down at his hand. It was still warm with Heero’s body heat and his skin seemed to tingle. He couldn’t get rid of his blush. As shell shocked and relieved he was in the aftermath of his nightmare, he couldn’t get it out of his head, he had touched Heero’s chest, not only touched it, but Heero had been the one to initiate it. If things had been different, he might have reached out and tried to touch him again, but he didn’t dare. The world was too fragile. He felt that if he took any chance, he would fall off or things would shatter. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe in fear that he would end up destroying everything when he had finally been given a second chance. Then there was the dream. He knew that once it faded, he would look back and see his reactions as silly, but right now it seemed so wondrous that Heero was alive. He had no idea what was going to happen now. His future had always seemed a sure thing when he was with Wes, he knew that he would always be a whore, always be under Wes’ thumb, but now things were different and he didn’t know where he stood, but, beyond that, he didn’t know where Wes stood. Would he leave him alone for good, fearful that the Yuys might come after him? Would he try to find him once he was out of the hospital and Heero wasn’t around to protect him? Or, worse of all, would he not care about the Yuys’ power and do what he had done in his dream, bring him back to that terrible place, that place of pain and sex, darkness and quiet, where there was no time and no sense of the real world, killing Heero in order to do it? Did Wes ‘love’ him so much that he would continue to come after him until one or both of them were dead? Duo shivered amongst the blankets, Heero’s dead eyes from his dream lingering in his thoughts.   
          “I shouldn’t have left you alone,” Heero apologized, not realizing Duo’s dark thoughts or seeing his shiver, “I wasn’t thinking.”  
          Duo gave Heero an exasperated look, but it was quickly ruined by the affectionate smile on his face.   
          “You can’t always be here, Heero,” he pointed out, “I have to stand on my feet at some point and you have to go back home and to school.”  
          “I can try,” Heero protested, “besides, right now, you need help and I shouldn’t have left you, expecting things to be fine!”   
          “But they _are_ fine!” Duo insisted, “I have bad, vivid nightmares all the time.”  
          “But you shouldn’t be having them!”  
          Duo snorted.  
          “I ‘shouldn’t’ a lot of things.”   
          Heero sighed.   
          “Anyways, I couldn’t find your glasses and no one remembers you having them. I’m afraid we won’t get them back.”  
          Duo’s expression fell. So, he would have to deal with his poor, blurry vision the rest of his life? He supposed that he could find another pair like he had the first, but that had been merely a lucky chance of finding a pair of glasses that worked for him and were intact. Well, it could be worse, he thought, he could be blind.   
          “Well, you tried,” Duo said dejectedly, but Heero grinned, unabashed.   
          “But this hospital has an optometrist. He’s waiting outside. He doesn’t usually do it like this, but he said that he’d check out your eyes.”  
          Duo stared at his friend in shock. At the same time it made him happy that Heero had gone through the trouble, he was also annoyed that Heero seemed oblivious to his financial situation and had wasted the doctor’s time.   
          “Heero, I have no way of paying for this! Glasses are expensive and I have no insurance! Even if I did have the money, I wouldn’t spend it on that!”   
          Heero frowned.  
          “Duo, you don’t honestly think that we’re going to hold you responsible for paying for your hospital bills, do you?”   
          “Of course I do!” Duo snapped, “And at this rate, I’ll never get it paid off, so I can’t afford to fix my vision, let alone have someone give me a check up!”   
          “Duo, my mom is paying for all this, we would never make you pay a cent! I thought you knew that” Heero said, sounding slightly wounded. Duo stared at him in shock.  
          “But… why would she do that?” he asked, confused. Heero’s expression looked tired as though he had never thought he would have to have this conversation.  
          “We care about you, Duo. We want to see you healthy and happy. We are both aware that you can’t pay for anything right now, but even if you could, we’d still be doing it. Wes took so much from you, we just want to help you get back on your feet. It’s just money and for us, it’s not even that much, so let us do this for you, ok? It would make Mom really happy,” Heero said, knowing that the second he brought up his mother’s happiness, Duo would fold. He knew that it was probably a low blow, but he really didn’t want Duo to feel guilty about it.  
          “Alright,” Duo said hesitantly, his annoyance at being pitied subdued. He wanted to fight it, but he knew that there was no way he could pay off his bills, even if he had years. Besides, he didn’t want to fight with Name after all she had done for him. If supporting him financially made her feel good, he had no right to tell her not to. He supposed that he could avoid the whole issue by just disappearing as soon as he was better, but he really didn’t want to. He felt sick just thinking about it. He was so torn and he had no idea what he was going to do. He had no home, but now that he was finally with Heero again, he didn’t want to leave. It was strange, he had known the future for so long, though it had been bleak, but now that he was finally somewhere good and safe he felt so lost.   
          “Will you let Dr. James look at your eyes?” Heero asked in a pleading tone. Duo nodded. He hated the thought of leeching off of his friend’s mother, but Heero got upset every time he tried to fight against it and he really did want to fix his vision.  
          “Ok, I’ll do it.”   
          Heero looked relieved and left Duo’s side to open the door. As he led the optometrist into the room, he apologized for making him wait, but the doctor brushed him off.   
          Dr. James was not an impressive man. He was only a few inches taller than Duo with warm brown eyes and mousy brown hair and a thin, neatly kept beard. He smiled disarmingly at Duo as he approached the bed.   
          “Hello, Mr. Maxwell, how are we feeling today?” the doctor asked warmly. Duo immediately felt no threat from him and relaxed. The doctor reminded him of Quatre a little, non-threatening and honest.   
          “A little tired and nauseous, but I’m getting better,” he admitted. James took a seat by Duo’s bed.  
          “Mr. Yuy has informed me that you can’t get out of bed or sit up, is this correct?”  
          Duo nodded.  
          “It hurts too much if I try.”  
          “Ok, well, I can’t give you a complete exam without my machines, but I can give you a preliminary exam here. Can you tell me what your vision is like without glasses or contacts?”  
          “I can see things close to me ok, but anything more than a couple of feet away gets really blurry and things turn into these distorted shapes and colors,” Duo explained. James frowned.  
          “Alright, could you take your contacts out?” he asked. Duo looked confused.   
          “I don’t wear contacts.”  
          James’ eyes widened.   
          “Then, your eyes are naturally violet?” he asked. Duo nodded.   
          “Interesting,” the doctor murmured, “and how long have you been having vision problems?”   
          “Since I was a kid,” Duo said, “it’s been a few years.”   
          “Ok. I’m going to put pressure on your skull to see if there might be some neurological damage, though it could be that you’re just near sighted.”  
          “Ok,” Duo said, giving a small flinch as the man moved his fingers over his head, pressing them into his hair. It didn’t hurt, he just didn’t like strange men getting close to him or touching him. When he had been living on the streets, he had had a natural distrust of everyone, but when Wes had gotten a hold of him, he quickly learned to be afraid of men. He thought that after all the years of being touched by men, he wouldn’t be so timid around them anymore, but that distrust remained. After those long weeks in that dark room, Duo had learned that intimacy was something to be scared of, even if it was just a light touch. Hugging Heero was about the only thing he could stand without wanting to either lash out or stand still. He remembered the dark and the cold, not hearing or seeing or feeling except for the pain and the humiliation. He hated being touched at all now at the same time he felt so horribly lonely and panicked when he was alone. He hated nights at this hospital, stuck in bed in the darkness. Heero was the only thing keeping him from going insane in those times; he was the only thing that was different from reality and his memories. He forced himself to stay still, though, as James examined him. This wasn’t something that he had thought would happen. He was grateful and excited to have at least one stressor gone. He didn’t have to worry about paying for his hospital bills, at least. It amazed Duo how easily he could argue with Heero. It wasn’t just about the bills, either. He had fought with him from the moment they had met. He had such a hard time standing up for himself. Wes’ lesson of pain and obedience was so deeply engrained in his psyche that he couldn’t even speak out in class if he thought someone or something was wrong. He wondered if his ability to stand up against Heero was due to how comfortable and relaxed he felt around him. It was hard to understand sometimes. Heero had hurt him and he felt so vulnerable around him, but he also trusted him and felt safe when he was with him.  
          Duo cried out as James pressed against a spot on the back of his head that sent white-hot agony shooting through his brain.  
          “What the hell did you do?!” Heero snarled, ready to protect his friend.  
          “In relation to any other pain you’ve felt, on a scale from one to ten, how much did that hurt?” James asked, ignoring Heero and completely focused on his patient.  
          “S-seven,” Duo stammered, shaking slightly as the after math of the pain made him feel sick. In the past he would have labeled it as an eight before being raped and beaten by Wes and Chris after sleeping over Heero’s, his first rape, being fucked by a stun baton, and when Wes had slammed his head into the floor, but after surviving a ruptured spleen and being repeatedly injected with KL6, he dropped it to a seven. James withdrew his fingers and Duo relaxed.   
          “Have you ever experienced any head trauma?” James asked.  
          “When I was a kid, I hit my head,” Duo explained.   
          Heero paled. He had heard this story before, but after hearing about Duo’s past, he was able to see past the lie to the truth. Duo had hidden the injury and Heero had believed him. How many other things were lies? How many times had he let his friend down by refusing to see the obvious?   
          “Duo,” he scolded. Duo blushed. He had been hiding the truth for so long that the lie had come automatically. It was going to be hard remembering that he didn’t have to lie anymore.   
          “I tried to run away from home,” Duo started over, “but my father caught me. He slammed my head into the floor a couple of times. After that, my vision started to go.”  
          Heero gritted his teeth and had to look away to hide his furious expression and James paled.   
          “I see, I’m sorry,” he murmured solemnly, “in any case, I think I have a good idea what’s wrong, but I want to make completely sure before I take any action. I’m going to schedule a CAT scan for you a few days from now. By then, you should be mobile enough, but until then, I’m going to write a prescription for some glasses. They won’t completely fix the problem, but they should help with the near-sighted-ness,” he looked at Heero, “there’s a store a few blocks from here. I’m sure Mr. Yuy will be happy to pick up a pair for you.”  
          Heero nodded.  
          “Of course I will.”  
          Duo blinked at them. Was it really that simple?  
          “Is there anything else I can do for you?” Dr. James asked Duo. Duo shook his head.  
          “No, but thank you. I’m really grateful…  
          “We both are,” Heero corrected, shaking the optometrist’s hand.  
          “I’m glad to help. I’ll tell Dr. Stark to inform you of your appointment with me. We’ll meet again, but until then, I hope you get well!” the doctor said and left the two with an optimistic smile.   
   
            
   
          The stabbing pain in Duo’s head and behind his eyes vanished but with the withdrawal crawling through his veins, stressful physical therapy to help with the surgeries, broken ribs, his damaged back, and general frustration with his lack of progress, he was exhausted and quickly fell asleep. Usually, Heero would get to read to him or just talk to help Duo pass the time through the pain, but he was glad for times like these, too, when he got to watch him sleep. His face relaxed in sleep, the guarded, ancient look vanishing to be replaced with one of childish vulnerability. He was pretty, it hurt Heero to look at him, but it was not his attractiveness that made things hurt the most, it was the difference between the looks, the realization that both people resided inside of Duo, both the tired man and the victimized child, it was the memory that he had struck that sweet face only one month ago. Just the thought of hitting him now made him feel sick.   
          ‘This is where I hit him,’ he thought as he stroked Duo’s cheek.   
   
   
          _“Please, you’re my best friend.”_  
  
 _“Don’t touch me, don’t you dare put your disgusting hands on me.”_  
  
          Heero looked down at Duo’s hands as they curled in the blankets. They were horribly thin and white, the knuckles standing out against the skin. They were terrible, but they were also beautiful, soft and pretty. How could he have ever thought that Duo’s hands were disgusting? His stomach churned at the memory. He was no better than Wes, hitting Duo out of anger, anger he hadn’t even deserved! He deserved better, better than a so-called friend that would strike him and call it ‘justified’. But, he didn’t want to let go of him, even if Duo deserved someone else. He wouldn’t hit him again, he couldn’t bear it. He kissed Duo’s cheek.   
   
          “I love you,” he murmured to the silent room.  
   
   
   
   
          To strengthen his back and abdomen muscles, Duo had to undergo intense physical therapy twice a day. It left him exhausted and depressed, but it paid off. The day after they had met Dr. James, Duo’s wounds were healed and his back muscles had strengthened enough that Dr. Stark thought he was ready to at least sit up. Heero couldn’t help but feel proud as he helped get Duo settled once more. Stark had told them that Duo would probably be able to start walking around in a few days, if he kept up with his therapy and the wounds in his back and side healed properly.   
          Duo gasped as he managed to sit up with Heero’s help. Dr. Stark had been worried that the position would tax his damaged back muscles and pull on his surgical wounds in his side and his anus, but now that he had healed enough, he was able to do it, but it still hurt like hell. After so long on his back, both in the apartment and in the hospital, even a small movement like trying to sit up seemed like a huge task to him. His muscles strained and he felt dizzy with the change of position. Everything felt tight and bunched up, but it wasn’t the agony it would have been a few days ago. He wondered why it hurt so much now when before he had been walking about under his own power. It was frustrating. For as long as he could remember, he had had the strength to keep going, even when he had been raped. Where was that strength now? He felt like someone had pulled him inside out, scraped him raw, and put him back together completely hollow. He couldn’t see how Heero could stand him now, so weak that he needed help just with basic functions. He should have felt triumphant about being able to sit up, but it only showed him just how pathetic he was. In the past, it had only taken him hours, days at the very most, to be moving around, but now it seemed like it was taking forever. Beyond that, he felt miserable. His headache had started to build since last night and it was slowly building to an almost intolerable level. He didn’t know if it was the pain in his head or his twisting stomach, but he had no appetite, which had frustrated Heero, but after a few hours of arguing, his friend finally conceded that it was probably a bad idea to try to force him to eat if he felt sick. He felt cold, right down to the bones, especially along his spine. When he had first woken up feeling that way, he was sure that the heat was broken, but Heero had never complained. He glimpsed over at Heero, who was watching him intently, and turned away, blushing. He looked so warm and cozy… he just wanted to lift up his sexy black t-shirt and snuggle under it against his soft, yet hard chest. His fingertips could still remember what that skin had felt like… he blinked and felt his face flame further. His thoughts had been so odd lately. He scratched at his arm. His muscles felt oddly itchy and it was hurting his back sitting up like this, but he bore it. All he could focus on was each step towards being able to walk out of here.   
          Heero watched as Duo struggled to maintain his sitting position. He couldn’t believe how quickly he was healing. He kept remembering that night that he had picked Duo up and how sick he had been. Then, he had been so weak and in so much pain after his surgeries, the drugs the only thing keeping him from crying. But now, he was starting to sit up on his own. He couldn’t help but be proud of him.   
          Duo blinked in confusion as strong arms wrapped around him and he was pressed to an equally strong chest.  
          “Heero?”   
          Heero tightened his grip on his friend, loving how his slender form felt in his embrace and trying to ignore how good his skin felt against his.   
          “I’ve wanted to do this since I found you,” Heero murmured against Duo’s hair. Duo felt like he was going to combust, Heero’s heat washing over his chilled skin and his scent overwhelmed him. His heart pounded in his chest and he felt his arms want to shake, but he ignored the feeling and wrapped his arms around Heero in return, reveling in his warmth.   
          “I’m so proud of you,” the blue eyed boy whispered. Duo’s eyes widened and he pushed away from him, sagging against the pillows and staring up at him in shock.  
          “How can you say that?” he hissed, “I can’t even stand up and you’re _proud_ of me?!”  
          Heero’s blue eyes hardened.   
          “Yes, I’m very proud of you.”  
          Duo shook his head.  
          “I can’t believe you,” he murmured, “after all of this time, how can you say that? You’ve seen me at my lowest, you’ve seen me when I’ve been drugged out of my mind and being fucked and… you can’t be proud of me!”  
          Heero glared at him.  
          “I’ve seen you fighting the affects of powerful drugs. I’ve seen you pull through while bleeding and barely breathing. I’ve seen you take the most abuse and beatings I’ve ever seen a person take and end up standing at the end! If that’s something to be proud of, I don’t know what is!”   
          Duo glared right back, fighting down a stray shiver.   
          “Look at me! Everything’s going so slowly and I can’t figure out why! Something’s wrong with me and I can’t figure out what it is! All my life, no matter how much pain I’ve been in, I’ve always been able to pull together and heal, but now, I’m so pathetically weak, it’s like my body has stopped! I can’t heal anymore, I just… can’t!” Duo squeezed his eyes shut. It was true. His body didn’t have anything left in it to heal. He was going to end up stuck in this bed forever. The fear of that happening, with Heero becoming sick of him and leaving him all alone in this terrible place, made him want to vomit even more. Truthfully, he knew that in the end, he had nowhere to go and he was just going to end up on the street again, away from Heero in his big, white house, but the thought of Heero leaving him was so much more terrifying than the thought of him leaving Heero. He was so sick of feeling so powerless! He slammed his fists against his legs over and over, the feeling of violence something of a comfort. Pain flared up his legs, but he didn’t care, he just wanted to hurt himself. His eyes shot open again as Heero grabbed his wrists and one hand and caressed his cheek with the other. Duo felt himself blush again as he realized Heero’s strength, but still felt no fear of him.  
          “Duo Maxwell, you are the strongest person I have ever met. You’ve been through major surgery, of course it’s going to take awhile for you to get better! You need to cut your body a little slack!”  
          Duo looked away from him.   
          “But, I’ve always been able to keep going, even when I didn’t want to, even when I thought I was going to die. But now, it’s so hard, it’s taking too long, I don’t have anything left to give…”  
          Heero sighed.   
          “But Duo, you never really let yourself heal in the first place. Just being able to keep going, isn’t healing. But now, you can finally stop and rest. For the first time in years, you’re safe and your body knows that. Just let it heal.”  
          Duo stared at him.  
          “I don’t know how,” he admitted, “Just _surviving_ is all I know.”  
          Heero lifted the sheets and tucked them around Duo’s shivering body.   
          “Just rest, I’ll take care of the rest.”  
   
   
          Heero honestly didn’t know what to do about Duo. It was so frustrating, one minute he seemed so rested and relaxed and the next he was trying to hurt himself. He didn’t know how to deal with his friend’s fears and concerns, he felt like all he could do was prove to him that he would never abandon him. It scared him sometimes, knowing that he was the only one Duo could rely on. He felt so small and useless in the face of Duo’s problems. He wasn’t a psychologist and he knew that he was treading in dangerous territory, but he couldn’t back down or just try to wait for Duo to pull himself up. Wufei had already bailed and Duo seemed to lack the patience to even attempt to deal with him anymore. Quatre and Trowa visited once in awhile. When they could spare the time and Name was also a frequent visitor, for which Heero could tell Duo was very, very grateful, but he could also tell that Duo needed someone he trusted around all the time. Duo tried to act tough and independent about it, but Heero could see that it was just an act. Whenever he left the room, Duo was suddenly terrified and even Heero knew that level of stress wasn’t good for him at this stage. He remembered what Duo had told them about Wes putting him in that dark room for weeks, drugged, vulnerable, and alone, in total silence. He had no idea what sort of effects that level of sensory derivation would have on a person, but Heero knew that the worst of Duo’s panic attacks were triggered by a feeling of abandonment and the darkness. Duo had told him that he had to stand on his own two feet at some point, but right now, Heero knew that Duo needed, very badly, to lean on something. He was just glad that he could be that something. Despite Duo’s insistence that he was being pathetic and weak, in the face of what Duo had told them about his past, all Heero could see was strength.   
          Heero watched as Duo slept. His nose was scrunched up in a way that reminded him of a puppy, a sure sign that he was in some sort of pain. From his subdued, almost lethargic or listless behavior that day, Heero thought that it was probably a headache. He had one once a day and knew that they were getting worse instead of better, but he didn’t know what that meant. The blankets were wrapped tightly around Duo’s slumbering body, but he was still shivering. Heero didn’t know what else to do to make him warmer and the room wasn’t all that cold, Heero was just glad that Duo was asleep now and hoped that he was some place away from the pain and the cold. When he was sure that his friend wasn’t going to stir anytime soon, he walked the three feet to his own bed and slid in. His mother was coming in the afternoon and he made sure that he got a good night sleep. He knew just how upset she would be if she thought that he wasn’t taking care of himself. It was strange spending so much time away from her. He missed her and he knew that she missed him since she told him that at every opportunity, though she also told him that she understood and was proud that he was so dedicated to his friend. He thought that his feelings were pretty ridiculous, though, since Name wanted him to go to college when he graduated from high school, _if_ he graduated at this point. It was odd, he had always had plans to do whatever he could to avoid college, but now he didn’t know. He wanted to say that being friends to Duo had nothing to do with his sudden urge to try to go to school, but that was a lie. After meeting Duo, he had realized just how lucky he was. He had always known that, but it had just been a given fact for him. Now, after finding out what Duo’s life was really like, he realized that all those things he had considered inevitable were really gifts and he had no right to think of anything in his life as a mechanism of his own doing. He used to think that he was independent, but now it was clear to him that it was not himself but his mother that was solely responsible for every good thing that had ever happened to him. He hated that fact about himself. Most of Duo’s life had been lead by Wes, but he was still more independent than Heero had ever been. He _wanted_ to be that way, but he couldn’t just change for the sake of it anymore. He had fought against his mother and his teachers because it had made him feel better than them, as though he had some power or authority over them, but he was starting to realize that those events were nothing more than the tantrums of a child. Unless there was something he wanted and was willing to fight for, what was the point of fighting at all? He had no idea what he would want to do there if he did go to college, but he wanted to try. More than that, he wanted Duo to have the same opportunities that he had, in everything. Duo had the attitude that he wouldn’t even be able to graduate high school and Heero realized with a great deal of sadness that Duo going to college had been an impossibility, even at a cheap school and tons of scholarship money. That fact made his heart ache. It made him hate himself and everything he had. He wanted to give Duo everything in the world, but right now, all he could do was try to help him heal. With self hate and worry burning inside of him, Heero managed to fall asleep, but it was fitful and he awoke several times during the night, each time taking hours to fall back to sleep.   
  
End Part 1  
  



	10. The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero tries to help Duo through the worst of his withdrawal.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 6  
Part 2  
   
   
         “Heero!”   
          Heero shot awake at the sound of Duo’s sobbing, pain filled voice crying for him. Heero was wide awake and at his friend’s side in seconds.  
          “What’s wrong?!” Heero demanded. Duo looked terrible. His face was slightly flushed, his hair messy, his eyes dulled in pain, and there were dark circles under his eyes. Heero realized that, though he had thought that Duo had slept peacefully, he had gotten very little rest.  
          Duo flinched at the heavy sound of Heero’s voice and his head throbbed in intense pain.  
          “It hurts,” he moaned in pain, “it hurts so much!” Duo’s body was limp as he spoke, the stillness of his form only broken by harsh shivers.  
          “What hurts?” Heero asked, keeping his voice low as he realized that Duo’s flinch was because of him.  
          “My head,” Duo’s voice was soft and almost nonexistent, “it’s splitting. Something’s burrowing inside. Oh, fuck… it’s so hot…” Duo squeezed his eyes shut, “it’s tearing apart,” he whimpered and opened his eyes again. They were filled with unshed tears as he looked at Heero.  
          “Make it stop, Heero, please, it hurts so much!” he shivered again.  
          “I can hear singing,” he murmured wearily,” can you hear it?”   
   
          It was a woman’s voice, Duo realized, light and melodic, with an accent reminiscent of someone from New York, though it was so light, he couldn’t be positive. It sounded so familiar, but he couldn’t place it. He could hear it so clearly, but it didn’t hurt him like the sharp sounds of the heart monitor. It was a lullaby, he realized, it was so soothing…   
   
          “I’m going to get the doctor,” Heero said in a panic, getting up from Duo’s bedside chair. This was bad. He knew that Duo’s head aches were getting bad, but he was actually crying in pain and hallucinations weren’t a good sign in any situation.  
          “No!” Duo screamed, making a feeble grab for Heero’s shirt, trying to keep him from leaving, but his grip was too weak and all he could do was cling.   
          “Duo…” Heero murmured, worried at the longhaired boy’s intense distress.  
          “Don’t leave me, please, Heero. I’m so scared, don’t leave me all alone…” Duo’s hand slipped from Heero’s shirt ad dangled limply over the edge of the bed as a strong shiver went through him. Heero hesitated, torn in two. Duo had asked hi to make the pain stop, but now he was asking him to stay. He had no idea what to do! In the end, the absolute terror in Duo’s eyes won out and he sat back down.  
          “I’m not going to leave you alone, Duo, I’ll _never_ leave you alone, I promise. Don’t be scared, ok? I’m going to stay right here!” Heero said with a tone of desperation and tucked Duo’s arm back under the covers. Fuck, but he looked so weak, he was in so much pain and he couldn’t help him!   
          “Promise me,” Duo pleaded, his eyes growing heavy and they became half lidded, losing the power to stay open.   
          “I promise, I’ll never abandon you,” Heero said vehemently. The tension started to leave Duo’s muscles and he relaxed into his pillow, damp with his tears and seat. Heero watched with baited breath as Duo, exhausted with pain and exertion, fell asleep. He sighed and dropped his face into his hands. Duo was sick, really, really sick, and there was nothing he could do about it.  
          ‘Mom, I wish you were here.’  
   
   
          Heero refused to fall back asleep. On the one hand, he was tired and yearned for the alluring comfort of sleep, but on the other, he felt more awake than he had been in his entire life, with the obvious exception of that first night he had brought Duo to the hospital. His worry for his best friend was making adrenaline surge through his veins. He wanted to run out of the room, grab Dr. Stark, and demand that he heal Duo, but he didn’t dare leave him. He had promised, after all. Besides, the fear of Duo dying solely because he had dared to leave him alone was back.   
            
          Unfortunately, Duo didn’t sleep for long. A half an hour later, Duo blinked awake. The pain in his head was surging, the immensity of it making his stomach churn and bile rise in his throat. The flush on his face had been replaced by a paper-white paleness.   
          “Heero…” he croaked, his throat feeling dry and swollen to him.  
          “Do you need some water?” Heero asked in concern, still keeping his voice soft and light.  
          “No,” Duo said lightly and he looked away in embarrassment.  
          “I-… I think I have to throw up…” he admitted weakly. Heero quickly got to his feet and, making sure he stayed close to Duo and in his sight, he rummaged through the wall cabinets for a bed pan and returned to his friend’s side.  
          “Here,” he rolled Duo onto his side and gently brushed his sweaty hair from his face.  
          “I’m sorry,” Duo cried, even as his stomach churned and lurched.   
          “It’s gross, I’m sorry.”  
          “It’s ok,” Heero soothed, “it’s not gross. Now come on, you’ll feel better.”  
          Duo felt his shame leave at Heero’s words, which was a strange thing for him. He was used to the shame and he was used to its never ending grip on him, so it was strange that Heero could vanquish it so easily. He dry heaved more than he threw up since he had eaten so little. The heaving was terrible, it made him feel like his stomach was trying to crawl out of his throat. When the heaves finally stopped, he blacked out, the last thing that he was aware of was Heero’s yelling for him.  
   
   
          He was twelve again. Duo was semi-aware that he was dreaming at the same time that he was stuck and being absorbed by it. No, that wasn’t correct… it wasn’t a dream so much as a memory. He was in Wes’ apartment, in the kitchen. He was wearing a faded pair of jeans, but no shirt. He was making a sandwich with some leftover tuna fish and stale bread that Wes had been planning on throwing away. Wes had proclaimed that he had done well last night and had told him to make himself a lunch. That was his biggest problem, living with Wes, he never knew if he had done a _good_ job or a _bad_ job. It never seemed to matter how much money he made, or at least, it didn’t matter in consideration of Wes feeding him. He could never figure out the formula to Wes’ ‘logic’, and he never would. It was raining out now in his dream, even though there were no windows, Duo could still hear it as it hit the roof. It had been raining back then, too. Wes was sitting at the table with Chris and one of his drug runners, a man they sometimes called Fish and sometimes called Bob, though Duo could tell that that wasn’t his real name. He had no idea why any man would be called ‘Fish’, but the runner seemed to accept it as his name. He wasn’t very tall, his slightly tanned face worn, though he was younger than Wes, and freckled. His dull brown hair was short, but terribly messy, his olive eyes looking around the kitchen frantically as he always did. He sniffed a lot and smelled faintly of tomatoes, which irritated Duo for some reason. He was scrawny and Duo seldom saw him, but he saw him enough for him to be accepted as one Wes’ associates. The three men were eating pepperoni, mushroom, and anchovy pizza. Duo knew that Chris and Fish hated anchovies, but Wes loved them, so they ate in silence, though Fish grimaced at the taste every now and then.  
          “Where were you Friday?” Wes asked Fish, not looking at him, but switching his attention from Duo to his pizza. Fish glanced at him and even Duo could see that he was nervous.  
          “I was with my girl,” he defended with a strange sort of pride.   
          “I wasn’t aware you had a bitch,” Chris said in between bites of pizza. He, too, didn’t look at the other man and he didn’t make any indication that he didn’t like his meal. Fish glared at him, but it seemed weak and feeble compared to Wes and Chris’ powerful forms.   
          “Don’t talk about her like that! One of these days, we’ll make it big and ya won’t see my lily white ass anymore!” Fish snapped. Duo approached the table nervously, the other man’s anger not phasing him in the least, but rather, it was Wes’ cold nonchalance that bothered him. He didn’t know if he was allowed to sit at the table with them or if he should sit on the floor or in his room. He looked towards Wes, who looked back at him and nodded towards the chair across from them. Duo sat at the table and nibbled at his sandwich. The men’s work talk held no interest for him, but he had learned to keep an eye and ear on the people in this house.  
          “Relax, man, don’t get so pissy,” Chris said with a twisted laugh. Fish rubbed at his bloodshot eyes. Duo looked at him closely and saw the worry and anxiety on his face.   
          “It doesn’t make much of a difference anyway,” Fish said wearily, “I haven’t seen her since Friday. I called and called. Hell, I even went by her apartment, but nothing! She’s fucking disappeared. Fucking woman…” Fish shook his head. Duo instantly felt bad for the man. It was obvious that he cared for his girlfriend a lot and he was torn up about her disappearing. Duo knew that, in this area of town, if people disappeared, they seldom reappeared.   
          “So you didn’t pick up the drugs like I asked you to on Friday?” Wes asked gruffly, interrupting Fish’s rant. Fish blushed.  
          “I’m sorry, Wes, but Sheila really needed me at her house,” Fish adverted his gaze. Duo bent down to take another bite of his sandwich, keeping one eye on Fish and Wes, when blood splattered over his face, neck, and chest. His eyes widened as he saw the neat little hole in Fish’s head and the back of his head that had blown out due to a hollow point bullet. Fish’s eyes were flat, unsurprised, the hit had come too quickly for his brain to even register it. His head rolled and he fell limp on the table, blood dripping thickly onto the wood table. Duo saw the flash of the gun muzzle as Wes put it down, flicking the safety back on and tucked it back into his pants, hidden.   
          “Never fuck with me,” he growled, taking another bite of his pizza. He noticed Duo still looking at him and gave him a stern, but not angry look.  
          “Finish your lunch,” he ordered.   
   
   
          Duo awoke in a mid thrash, Heero grabbing at him to keep him from falling off the bed.  
          “Duo!” the blue eyed boy cried, holding tight until Duo stopped moving so violently. Duo panted as he slumped against the bed.   
          “Heero…” he murmured. Heero placed a hand on his forehead and Duo groaned at how good the cold hand felt.  
          “You’re burning up,” Heero noted, feeling panic start to build again, but he bit it down. Duo blinked at him through the darkness. He suddenly realized that Heero had completely turned off the lights, not just dimmed them and wished he had the energy to smile at Heero’s thoughtfulness.   
          “What did you dream about?” Heero asked as he sat on the edge of the bed. Duo stared up at the ceiling, heat burning in his body. One minute he was freezing, then he was hot, then he was freezing again, he couldn’t keep track. It felt like his body was tearing itself apart and driving him insane in the meantime.   
          “Wes had a drug runner, they called him Fish,” even in his illness, speaking of his memories came easy to Duo, “he had this girlfriend. He loved her… a lot. He always said that he was going to make it big and runaway with her and he tried just that. One Friday, he was supposed to pick up some drugs for Wes and distribute it the next day, but he never did. He sold the drugs himself and kept the money himself. When the timing was right, he was going to get him and his girlfriend out, but the next day, she disappeared. A few days later, Wes told him to meet him at the apartment. We were all eating lunch together and Wes shot him. He just… shot him. He knew, somehow, and he had killed his girlfriend, too. I don’t know why I dreamed about that, but I did.”  
          Heero stared at him in shock. Duo’s face was beet red and he was panting a little, but his eyes were dark and distant.   
          “You saw a man die?” he asked incredulously. Duo shrugged.  
          “I’m tired, Heero,” he murmured.   
          “You have a fever, a bad one, I don’t know if you should, there might be something wrong…”  
          “Heero,” Duo stared at him, “I just want to sleep, ok?” tears started to slip down his pale cheeks, “I’m so tired.”   
          Duo closed his eyes as he felt hands, heavy and hard and calloused running over his body. They were so familiar and so real and no matter how many times he told himself that he was just imagining it, he couldn’t believe himself. It was real… he could feel it.   
          “There’s too many hands,” he murmured, the tears coming down in torrents. Heero tucked the sheets around him again, feeling his own tears want to escape.  
          “Oh, Duo,” he murmured, “it’s alright,” he stroked Duo’s bangs, “everything’s going to be fine, I promise. Nothing can touch you when I’m here, ok?” Heero tried to assure Duo as he cried tiredly into the pillow. Heero felt a tear escape from his eye and wiped at it furiously, refusing to show Duo any weakness. When he was alone, he could cry over Duo’s words and the bone-deep exhaustion in his violet eyes, the surrender he was trying to not succumb to, even when Heero could see that Duo wanted to, but right now, he needed Heero to be strong, so he would be. It was frustrating, trying to deal with Duo’s psychological problems. He knew that there were ways to help him with the physical pain, but Heero felt so powerless against his personal demons. Reading and doing research was one thing, but when it was actually happening to someone you cared about it was so hard. He felt overwhelmed by it and was again struck with the feeling of being lost. He watched as Duo settled down once more. His words returned to him. So Wes was a murderer as well as a pedophile, pimp, drug lord, and rapist. Heero knew he should be shocked, but he wasn’t. From what he had already known about the man, ‘killer’ didn’t seem too out of his capabilities. The anger and shock he _did_ feel wasn’t from the news that Wes had killed a man, but that he had done it in front of Duo. He wondered how old Duo had been when he had seen it. Heero had never seen anyone die before. He had been in the waiting room with his mother when his father had died and she had refused to let him see the body until the funeral. He wasn’t quite sure what to feel towards the knowledge that Duo had witnessed a murder, probably at a young age, he was just angry that Wes had done one more thing to damage him. He wanted to meet Duo’s so-called ‘father’, just so he could show him what pain felt like, but he also didn’t want the man in Duo’s life for another second.  
   
          It was in those bleak hours in between night and morning that Duo remembered, after many, many years, how to cry. He cried several times before, when he was in pain or overwhelmed with shame, but in the end, he had bottled it back up, unwilling to let the whole flood out, forcing down his feelings until his body felt like it would tear apart. But, with Heero’s eyes on him, in the darkness of the room, his fever and shaking, the cold and the pain eating away at him like a cancer, his memories folding around him like terrible wings, he let go. He cried and cried and when he finally stopped, it wasn’t because he had found the will to do so, but because he was too tired and there were no more tears to shed. It felt like an eternity, like he could cry forever and there would be no stopping it, but eventually they did stop.   
   
   
          Duo didn’t fall back asleep, but he wasn’t really awake, either. He stared off into space, his dull eyes half lidded. His cheeks were still red from the fever and he was panting hard, though he was just lying there on his stomach. Heero watched him and worried. He was beautiful, even when he was sick, his chestnut hair sticking to his skin with sweat. Heero brushed his bangs away from his pain pinched face, but Duo didn’t react. Heero had no idea what was wrong with him and that scared him. What if there was something seriously wrong? What if he was dying? Heero shook his head, trying to free himself from such thoughts, but they were stubborn and stuck with him.   
          It still wasn’t morning yet. The night seemed endless, stuck in this room with the loud heart monitor, Duo’s harsh breathing, and the darkness. Heero couldn’t remember a time when he had felt more alone. He wanted to laugh at himself. He was in a hospital for fuck’s sake, surrounded by people who could help them and he couldn’t seek them out. All he could do was hold duo’s hand and hope that, when the morning finally came, everything would be alright.  
          “Why?” Duo suddenly rasped, shocking Heero out of his thoughts.  
          “What is it, Duo?” Heero asked softly, but his voice was contorted with worry. Duo’s eyes met his and Heero saw a tiny spark of awareness in them.   
          “I never wanted it,” Duo murmured to him weakly, “even when he gave me things that made me feel good, I didn’t want it, so why does it hurt so much, Heero? Why does my body crave it so badly?” Duo closed his eyes tightly at another tremor and a burst of pain in his skull. Heero realized that, if Duo had had the strength to do so, he would have been crying again.   
          ‘Withdrawal,’ Heero realized, that was what Duo was trying to tell him. It made sense, the hallucinations, the headaches, the nausea, and shaking. That was normal, wasn’t it? But, didn’t people sometimes also die from withdrawal? Heero was sure that he had heard that somewhere.   
          “It’s just a physical reaction,” Heero tried to reassure him, “it’ll pass.”  
          Heero felt a dull anger towards Duo’s doctor. He had told them that Duo wouldn’t feel the worst of his withdrawal because they had drugs to help him. Obviously, that had been a lie.   
          The pain and deep yearning that his body was producing made Duo want to keep his eyes firmly closed, but the fear and strange paranoia that was making his heart race even when he was half asleep as he was now, kept his eyes open. He had to continuously remind himself that he was safe. It was just him and Heero in the room and if there was anyone on the planet Duo could trust, it was Heero, but it wasn’t easy. He felt like there was some dark sinister presence in the room that wanted to kill him, even though he knew that that was stupid. His consciousness was floating and murky, he couldn’t get so much as a pinky hold in reality, but he felt the pain and need acutely. His body was making him feel like he hadn’t had anything to drink in a very long time, but he knew that it wasn’t water that his body was hungry for. The need and yearning and desire were enough to make him want to rip open his veins with the IV needle imbedded in his arm. Begging was on the tip of his tongue, but he _didn’t_ want it! The only thing that kept him from flying off the handle was the very real, very grounding sensation of Heero’s hand, circled around his. He wanted to sleep again, despite the oddly vivid nightmares he was having, but he was too scared to keep his eyes open. Searing pain and freezing cold was filling his spine. He couldn’t rid himself of the bone-deep child no matter what he did. He was buried under every blanket the hospital room had to offer, but he was still shivering. Oddly, Heero’s hand felt like it was on fire and he clutched to it desperately. The fear that Heero would go back on his word and leave him all alone almost overwhelmed him. If Heero left him, Duo was sure that he would fall off of the earth at the very least. Heero was all he had. Heero would make everything better. Heero would make the thirst go away.   
          Heero placed his free hand on Duo’s forehead and winced, taking his hand away. His skin was burning hot. Even when his hand strayed a few inches above the skin, he could feel the heat radiating off of him. How high could a person’s fever be before they suffered brain damage? He couldn’t remember. He watched as Duo squirmed on the bed in discomfort, tremors racking his body, only this time, they didn’t stop right away. Heero froze, his grip unconsciously squeezing Duo’s hand tighter. Was he having a seizure?  
          Duo grit his teeth as he tried to force his body to still. He felt the very strong sensation that someone was watching him, someone that wasn’t Heero. He opened his eyes slowly, afraid of what he would see.   
          Wes was standing next to Heero, close enough that their arms would touch if either of them shifted towards the other. Wes stared down at him, his grey eyes were piercing, cold and familiar. Duo closed his eyes again. Wes wasn’t really there, he told himself, he couldn’t be, but a voice inside of his head chimed in that he was there. Whether or not he could see him, Wes was standing by his bedside and he always would be. He opened his eyes. Maybe it would be like the singing or dreams and as soon as he opened his eyes and really _looked_ at the hallucination, it would disappear.  
          He was still there and the vision didn’t waver. It was too strong and clear, too perfect and Duo knew that it wouldn’t just vanish like the others.  
          “He’s not really there,” he murmured to himself, “I just think he is, but he _is_ there,” though he tried, Duo found that he couldn’t close his eyes as they locked with Wes’. If he stared hard enough, the hospital room and Heero would disappear, not Wes. Was he what was real here, and not Heero? It seemed too likely. He felt Heero squeeze his hand and he looked over at him. Heero’s sudden realness, just as powerful as Wes’, struck him almost like a physical blow. He wanted to ask Heero if he could see Wes, too, even though he knew that he couldn’t. Wes was his demon, his guardian, his father… not Heero’s.  
          “Who?” Heero asked. He knew that Duo was just hallucinating again, but it was real enough for him and Heero wanted to know what Duo was ‘seeing’.  
          “Wes, he’s standing right there,” Duo said softly, his eyes shifting to Heero’s left, then moving back to Heero, “can’t you see him?”   
          Heero shook his head.  
          “No, Duo, I can’t,” he said sadly, but his voice lacked pity. Duo searched his friend’s tone for anything patronizing, like that of a parent assuring a small child that there were no monsters under his bed, but found it lacking and felt better about his question.   
          “I think… I think he isn’t there, but it’s so like him if he were…”  
          “What do you mean?” Heero asked. He hoped that by making Duo talk about it, the apparition would go away. He didn’t like the fact that Duo’s ill mind was conjuring up hallucinations about his abuser.   
          “He liked to watch me. When someone was fucking me, he’d just stand there and watch or ask for it to be videotaped. When he beat me, afterwards he’d watch me lie there, bloody and hurting. He just _watched_. He said that he wanted to see every side of me, but I think he just liked seeing me vulnerable. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night and he’d be sitting there, in the dark, watching me sleep. He would even go into the bathroom while I was in the shower. When I was younger, when I first started to live with him, I tried to lock the doors, but he found a way around them. Then, he just took them out. He said that whores had no need for locks, had no need for any sort of privacy because that was their jobs, to show their true selves to whoever would pay enough,” Duo said. The fever and pain making it somehow easier for the words to come, “is that my ‘true self’ is?” he murmured, “A slut and a masochist?”   
          Heero clenched his free hand, his nails digging into his skin. Fury filled to the point that he thought he was going to vomit, but he only gave Duo’s fingers a small squeeze in reassurance. He couldn’t see how Duo could believe that, didn’t he know what a kind, incredible person he was? He tried to imagine his own personal image of Wes, watching a child Duo and felt his blood boil. Even little kids deserved privacy, that sort of invasion was just another level of disgusting.   
          “No, Duo, that’s not you.”  
          Duo looked at him with such darkness in his eyes that Heero felt like crying again.  
          “Then who am I?” Duo asked, sounding very lost. Heero smiled.  
          “That’s simple; you’re Duo Maxwell, my best friend and I know things about you that _Wes_ will _never_ know. You like horror movies and Japanese video games and pasta, but you don’t like comedies or Brussels sprouts or ankle socks. You prefer root beer to Coke, novels to comic books, and you like butter instead of cream cheese. You’re smart and kind and patient and a _great_ friend. _That’s_ who you are.”  
          Heero watched as a myriad of emotions showed on Duo’s face. Fear, pain doubt, shame, shock, _love_. Duo’s slim fingers squeezed him back.  
          “I think I like you’re version of me better,” he said tiredly. Heero smiled brightly.  
          “Is your head feeling any better?” he asked. Duo shook his head.  
          “No, but I think the pain is starting to go down my spine.”   
          Heero blinked, confused for a moment. Was this another hallucination or was the pain real or, perhaps, a little bit of both? He took in how pinched Duo’s face was and how he curved his back, as though he were favoring it. Embarrassingly, Duo’s posture reminded him of when his mother had her period and how she would angle her back, trying to escape the pain, only the pain Duo was in seemed much more intense and the younger boy made small moans and whimpers of agony and frustration as he realized that it wasn’t going away. The pain wasn’t a hallucination, Heero decided, and it was entirely possible that the pain in his spine was somehow linked to the pain in his head and that was the true meaning behind the strange words. Heero’s worry for his friend grew and grew.   
          “Duo, if there is anything I can do to make you feel better, you have to tell me,” he insisted, searching his friend’s face for some clue, some solution. He wished that this room had some windows so he could see if the sun was rising. He didn’t dare look at the clock. He was sure that if it was earlier instead of later, he would break down again. Duo looked up at him with eyes watery from pained tears.  
          “Just don’t leave me” he murmured.  
          There it was again, those words, that promise; don’t leave me alone in the dark, don’t abandon me, don’t betray me, don’t let the monsters get me… The pain in Heero’s chest at the mere thought of leaving him alone in this room was enough to tear his soul into shreds. Even if Duo slipped into a coma, he could never leave him anymore than he could tear out his own beating heart. If he died… but Heero couldn’t bear to think of that possibility, not now when he was tired and so raw.  
          “I won’t leave you,” Heero promised again and felt the incredible weight of that promise. Duo’s eyelids slid half closed and Heero watched, slightly bewildered, as Duo attempted to rub his arms against the bed, but his muscles were too weak and weary to manage it.  
          “What’s wrong?” Heero asked with a heavy heart. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take, if there was anything else wrong.   
          “It’s the spiders, they make my muscles itch,” Duo explained, as if it was the most logical thing on the planet.  
          “The spiders?” Heero asked incredulously.  
          “Mm hmm,” Duo murmured in a drained tone,” the ones under my skin. They won’t stop moving, no matter how hard I scratch at them.”   
          Heero’s first impulse at Duo’s words was to assure him that there were no spiders, no Wes, no singing, but he was beginning to realize that within every illusion, every dream, there was a grain of truth, a grain of fear. Duo was afraid of being alone and his mind had produced singing to show him that there was someone there. Who knew, maybe his mind recalled, at some base level, his mother singing to him and his subconscious had replayed it? That similar act of recalling memory had been responsible for Duo seeing Wes. He had admitted that it had been common for the man to watch him when he was vulnerable, which he was now, so sick he couldn’t even walk. His back hurt and his feverish mind had tried that pain to his headaches, making Duo believe that the pain was actually moving through his body like a sentient thing. It was the same now, his skin was itchy, probably another symptom of his withdrawal and he couldn’t get it to stop. Heero knew from one of their late-night sleep over talks, Duo had an irrational fear of spiders. He had always laughed at himself when he admitted it, but Heero knew that the fear was very real. Duo had, shakily, told him of why, and Heero didn’t blame him. Duo didn’t _hate_ spiders, he loved all animals and thought that spiders, with their complex webs, were pretty cool, but they creeped him out and he distrusted them. When he was little, he had heard it from others, which Heero now took to mean ‘fellow homeless’, that food contained insect eggs and if said food was eaten, the creepy crawlies would hatch inside of the person and dig their way out of that person’s skin. For example, if one ate spoiled Mexican food, in a mere few days, you would have baby cockroaches living under you skin, chasing and thrashing towards freedom. The same was true if you got bitten by a bug, because that was how they laid their eggs, in a person’s flesh. So, Duo had tried very hard to stay away from food that had gone bad, the thought of baby bugs inside of him was unsettling. But, one day he had been bitten on the hand by a big, furry spider. Duo would learn, years later, from one of the books he had learned to read, that the offending arachnid was called a ‘wolf spider.’ A few days after being bitten, one of his fingers had started to swell up and it had become quite painful, the bite marks leaking clear fluid. He had thought for sure that his finger was swollen because there were thousands of little spiders inside and soon they would burst forth and crawl all over him. Duo had told Heero that he knew now that he had just had an allergic reaction to the bite, but the memory of fear and disgust had stayed with him. So now, when he had felt his arms itching and looked at them and seen hundreds of tiny black bumps under the pale skin, moving around and _crawling_ , he had had the intense urge to find something sharp, slice open his skin, and dig the little bastards out. In fact, he was sure that squashing each one of them would feel really, really good, but he was too weak to even scratch and he knew that Heero wouldn’t let him hurt himself like that.  
          Heero could see the fear in Duo’s eyes as he tried to scratch and knew that that was the true reason for the hallucination, just like the nightmares and seeing Wes. He also knew that mere words wouldn’t make it go away and simply telling Duo that it wasn’t there would separate them in a time when Duo really needed him. The last thing he wanted was for duo to think that Heero thought he was crazy. So, instead of telling him that he was just seeing things, Heero gently scratched at Duo’s arm with one hand. Duo moaned happily as Heero’s nails softly scratched his skin. Heero’s other hand traveled to the gap in the back of Duo’s hospital gown and massaged the muscles along his spine, his fingers feeling each vertebrae and he was glad to find that they weren’t as prominent as the first time he had seen them. Duo was still too skinny to Heero, but he was gaining some weight thanks to regular meals and the fluids he was getting from his IV. Duo’s eyes slid closed in pleasure as Heero’s fingers rubbed at sore and painful muscles.  
          “That feels nice,” he murmured and Heero smiled. When was the last time his moans had been from pleasure instead of pain? He couldn’t remember. He found himself blushing at the thought, though. He wondered if that was the same moan he made during se… Heero bit off that thought quickly because it also brought forth the question if Duo had ever enjoyed sex in his short life and that was question he didn’t want to know the answer to.   
          “Your hands are so warm,” Duo said, “I like it.”  
          Heero felt his face flame further.  
          “It’s so cold,” the longhaired boy murmured, looking away from Heero, “there’s ice on my spine, I can feel it. It won’t go away, won’t melt, it’s chipping away at the bone, makes it hurt like a hundred needles, like something sharp is wrapping itself around my spine. I feel so heavy… my blood is heavy, I think, but at the same time, it’s so hot, I’m melting away drop by drop. Soon, there’ll be nothing left. But… I think if I hold onto you, I can save a part of me…” Duo’s voice started to fade and his eyes closed again. Heero kept his hand on Duo’s back, feeling his rapid pulse. His words sounded crazy, but Heero could hear the truth in it and felt scared. He didn’t know how to deal with Duo when he was like this, didn’t know how to make things better. Duo’s words left him feeling humbled, knowing how much Duo was relying on him. Heero felt Duo’s pulse start to slow and become more even as he fell asleep. Heero was glad and hoped that his sleep wouldn’t be interrupted by bad dreams and maybe the weariness and dark circles would disappear. Heero wasn’t so optimistic to think that Duo would be all better when he woke up, but there was still that small hope.   
          _“There’s ice on my spine,”_ Duo’s words came to Heero and a spark of curiosity wormed its way through his worry and fear. He abandoned Duo’s back to push his hair away fro his neck and bit his lip hard, stifling a gasp as he was afraid that even the smallest noise might awake him from his nap.   
          Duo’s neck looked like something he had seen once in a horror movie about vampires when he was a kid. His neck was pale and thin, the vertebrae standing out worse than in his back. The difference that Heero could see that separated the movie from Duo’s wound was that there was only one puncture, not two. The track mark was deep and terrible looking, situated over one of the vertebrae. It had scarred over, but it looked like it must have caused Duo a great deal of agony when it had been made. Heero swore inside of his head. This was why Duo’s spine hurt and he couldn’t help but feel pissed off at Stark for not so much as mentioning it. He rubbed the back of Duo’s neck and smiled softly as Duo made another small, happy moan.   
   
          Eventually, the sun did rise in the morning, but Heero didn’t sleep again. He dimly realized that he had spent most of the night awake watching Duo as though he was a landmine, ready to explode at any minute. He felt tired and stretched too thin, but he felt a sort of triumph that Duo hadn’t stirred. Even now, at the ripe time of seven thirty a.m. Duo was deeply asleep, still lying in the same position on his stomach as Heero watched over his sleep. Heero’s tired mind supplied him with the image of himself as a German Sheppard, overly protective and loyal and ready to tear the throat out of anyone who tried to hurt his charge. He found that he didn’t mind seeing himself that way.  
          Heero jumped as he heard a knock on the door. His heart leapt. Help at last! But, it wasn’t Stark since the man was the most punctual person Heero had ever met and he _always_ came at nine, and Heero couldn’t figure out… he blinked and sat up sharply, remembering.  
          “Come in!” he called, unable to keep the happiness out of his voice.   
          Name seemed just as happy to see him. It appeared as though she had just come from a business meeting because she was wearing a classy blue suit and was carrying a briefcase in one hand.  
          “Good morning!” she said in an awake, chipper tone that was both refreshing and annoying. Heero wished that he had the energy to muster that kind of energy. In Name’s other hand was a bouquet of sunflowers, white Asian lilies, and Iris’. When Duo had finally gotten out of surgery and woken up, she had brought him red tulips. She had been afraid that he would think that they were too girly, because that’s what Heero would think, but Duo had been excited about the flowers. It was such a simple thing, but Duo had told her that no one had given him flowers before and he only seen them as weeds on grassy hills or in gardens behind white, picket gates or in shops that he could never go in and he had never touched a tulip before and had marveled at how soft if felt and how bright the red color was on the living plant. It had awed him, the simple flowers, and his excitement and incredible gratitude had torn at Name’s sense of _just_. So, every day she had visited him, she had brought a new bouquet, with different flowers. Name placed her briefcase leaning against the bedside table and replace the orange and red roses with the new bouquet in the crystal vase. With her self-appointed task completed, she finally took a good look at her son and frowned.  
          “Heero, you look terrible! You didn’t stay up late again, did you?” she scolded.  
          “No, I didn’t _sleep_ ,” he said gruffly. Name’s eyes widened slightly.  
          “And why is that?” she asked sternly.   
          “Duo is sick and I was too worried to sleep,” he explained. Name’s black eyes darted to Duo and she knelt by his bed, pressing her hand against Duo’s flushed forehead. She hissed sharply and narrowed her eyes at Heero.   
          “He’s burning up!” she snapped. Duo made a small, unconscious sound of discomfort and Name watched in half alarm, half amusement as Heero froze, completely attuned to Duo’s every move, every breath, but he relaxed when Duo didn’t stir further. She took in Duo’s muscles, tight and pained even in sleep, the pallor of his skin, and the dark circles under his eyes.  
          “Does Dr. Stark know about this?” she asked. Heero shook his head.  
          “Heero, this is serious!” she yelled, secretly worried about Duo not waking at her voice, “The second you even _thought_ that there was something wrong, you should have gotten him!”   
          “I couldn’t!” Heero shot back, “Duo was terrified, I couldn’t leave him all alone! I promised that I wouldn’t.”  
          “Fine,” Name said stiffly, “but what about the call button?”  
          Heero blinked at her in confusion. She sighed and pointed to the remote at the bedside table that had a single, glaring red button.  
          “The call button, Heero. If Duo was sick and you couldn’t leave the room, you should have called for a nurse.”  
          Heero stared at her in shock, feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. All those hours of fear and worrying and he could have just _called_ for someone! Worse than that, he had just _let_ Duo be in pain!  
          Name sighed and pulled up one of the other two chairs to sit next to Heero.  
          “I am now caught between admitting that your blind concern for this boy is quite adorable and screaming at you for being such a needless idiot,” Name said affectionately. Heero ran a hand through his messy hair.  
          “I’m sorry,” he murmured, feeling oddly numb. He knew logically that the numbness was simply because of how tired he was, but he didn’t welcome the feeling. Name patted his arm.     
          “It’ll be fine. He doesn’t look like he’s dying and Stark will be here in a few hours.”  
          Heero knew that his mother was right. He had been feeling as though Duo was mortally wounded but, after all he had been through, it seemed unlikely that he would die from this. Besides, what was a few hours compared to the entire night he had just gone through?   
          “Now, start from the beginning, tell me everything,” Name insisted. Heero nodded.  
          “I think it started with the headaches…”  
   
   
          If there was one thing that Thomas Stark believed in, it was professionalism. After all, without rules and control, there would only be chaos, and he was proud that, as a doctor, he could somehow contribute to the order. He was punctual to the second and did his job without any hesitation. He was diligent and had no patience for those that preferred the easy way out of things, whether it was those under his care that didn’t want to finish their physical therapy because it was ‘too hard’ or orderlies and interns that thought that it was acceptable to cut corners. Stark understood that a hospital was like a complicated piece of machinery, unless all of the parts worked perfectly, it would just buckle under its own weight. Because of this, the one thing, above all else, that he couldn’t stand, were people who broke the rules. So, while most of the hospital both feared and respected the Yuy’s for all that they had done for Duo Maxwell, Stark simply hated them. Ever since they had brought the boy to the hospital, they had been a thorn in his side, breaking rule after rule. Because of Duo’s age, only his parents were allowed to have a say in his medical care and visit him, yet Name Yuy seemed to think that child was hers in that regard. Her son was just as bad, breaking the rules of visiting hours to the extent that he was _living_ in Duo’s room! Stark couldn’t stand that sort of smugness, the thinking that, because they were rich, they could do whatever they pleased. He didn’t care how ‘noble’ their reasons were, rules were rules and they exited for a reason.   
          But, then there was Duo. He had expected that the boy would be equally smug, knowing what lengths the Yuy’s would go to see to his comfort, but he had been a pleasant surprise. Duo Maxwell was an enigma, and Stark loved a good enigma; no records to speak of, supposedly no parents, and the worst case of abuse Stark had see in a long time. He was quiet and obedient, but from what he had seen, he was also very bright and determined to do whatever hard work he had to, to get better. He reminded Stark of a well trained dog, a far cry from the spoiled, disobedient teenager he had expecting. He wished that he could say the same about all of his patients.   
   
            
   
          Stark arrived at Duo’s room promptly at nine sharp for his daily exam, just like he always did, only this time, he had two heated glares focusing on him.  
          “He’s sick,” Name started in on him with a fury that only a mother could possess, “you said that the medicine would help him, but now he’s worse than ever!” she snarled. The doctor had to freeze confused for a moment with what he was being accused of, but once his eyes fell on Duo’s sleeping, feverish form, he understood.  
          “What are his symptoms?” he asked. Heero, not giving Name the chance to start yelling again.   
          “Fever, chills, vivid hallucinations, shaking, nausea, headaches, and pain and chill along his spine,” Heero said, all too happy to have some way to help.  
          “I thought so,” Stark murmured.  
          “What do you mean ‘you thought so’?!” Name snapped. Heero glanced at her. His mother was usually so stoic and composed, he hardly ever saw her this wound up, but he could understand, Duo had that affect on people. Stark stared her down.  
          “There are marks on the back of his neck,” Heero interrupted, “not his arms. Why?”   
          Stark decided to focus on the son instead of the mother. At the moment, he seemed the most likely out of the two of them to listen to reason. He took the last remaining chair and sat in front of them, glancing at Name.  
          “The medicine I gave duo is to help with the withdrawals from high-grade addiction such as cocaine and heroine. It has been highly effective in those cases, however, we know very little about the drug that Duo was given. We’ve had a lot of trouble finding drugs to help with the withdrawal because we know so little.”   
          Name calmed down a little, but she still fumed a little. The sight of Duo’s strained form and her new knowledge of what the previous night had been like for him and Heero made the anger come easier for her.  
          “What do you know about it?” she asked. Stark folded his hands in his lap.  
          “It’s called ‘KL6’. It’s a very popular street drug. It attacks certain neurological centers, temporarily disabling them, which makes ‘free will’ an impossibility. Of course, the human survival instinct still remains but the individual is highly susceptible to demands that don’t put their lives in danger. The drug is typically injected into the spinal cord, which makes it more painful than injecting it into the blood stream, but it makes the drug reach the brain faster. Even with only a single use, the withdrawal symptoms are vicious. Because the drug primarily attacks the brain, the withdrawal symptoms can be so severe that the brain will shut down and the individual will die. Fortunately, whoever gave the drug to Duo was a professional which, I believe, is one of the few reasons he is still alive after such a long exposure. KL6 is only meant to be taken for a few hours, _not_ a few _weeks_. It’s amazing he didn’t suffer permanent damage! The medicine I gave him isn’t affective right now because he’s at the worst of the withdrawal, but without it, he would be feeling them for several days instead of only one,” Stark explained. He decided not to tell them about the only other people they had found that had been injected with KL6; that they had all been either whores or rape victims, and the reason why they knew so little about the drug was that most of those people had died fairly quickly.   
          Name furrowed her brow at the information.  
          “Why on earth would anyone want to inject themselves with something like that? What purpose does that sort of thing serve?” she asked, confused.   
          “Don’t you get it?” Heero growled, his fists clenched so tightly, his hands were bleeding.   
          “It’s so they can take away free will and self control. You can’t say its rape if you don’t have the will to say no,” his furious blue eyes looked down at Duo with a mix of rage and love.  
          “They shot him up with that shit, they took away all of his control. They took away his ability to say no. It creates perfect slaves. They can’t fight back, they can only do what they’re told. They raped him and called it ‘consensual’!” Heero was almost screaming, but his hands were gentle as he uncurled them, taking Duo’s in one and brushing his bangs out of his face with the other. He wanted to throw up as he realized the truth. He never wanted to let go of Duo’s hand. He would protect him, no matter what, he would save him until his last breath.   
          “You must have been so scared,” Heero murmured to his sleeping friend.  
          Name wanted more than anything to take her child into her arms and cradle him, protect him from the truth, and tell him that everything was going to be alright, but he saw the anger and the love in his eyes and didn’t dare separate them. She felt the same fury and love in herself as she looked at Duo and felt the truth of Heero’s words. She wanted to find the men responsible for hurting the kind child that she knew and show them what real fear felt like. But, what Heero had said troubled her. Her son, her baby, had seen the truth where she had not, what she had _refused_ to see. Before meeting Duo, before he had learned the ugly truth for himself, he never would have figured it out. How long would they have to look into Duo’s darkness before their small family was changed forever? She wanted, at that moment, to blame Duo for trying to change them, for showing her son how horrible the world really was, but she couldn’t manage it. When she looked at Duo, she could see the poor, loving, suffering child that he was and her desire to protect him was even stronger than her desire to shelter her own son. She knew that she couldn’t keep him in the dark his entire life and she didn’t have the right to keep him blind, no parent did, but it still made her sad.   
          “Will he survive this?” she asked the doctor.        
          Stark ran a hand through his thick hair.  
          “Like I said, whoever injected him was a professional. He didn’t overdose and he has healed enough that I think he can fight through it. It seems very unlikely that he would die from this. The withdrawal will last for about a month, though he’ll probably get headaches periodically for three months. This drug has a cresting withdrawal pattern. The symptoms get worse and worse until they reach their height, and then, little by little, edge off. In my professional opinion, I think that Duo is now experiencing the worst stage of this. The drugs have helped him previously, but for this stage, they aren’t working anymore.”  
          Heero felt a mix of relief and pain at this. Duo was in terrible pain, but it wouldn’t be forever and it wasn’t unusual, either.  
          “How long will it last?” he asked.  
          “The worst of it should e over in twenty-four hours, thirty-two at the very most. He seems to be doing better than most at this stage, so I’m confident that he’ll be fine,” Stark patted Heero’s arm and stood.  
          “Just be patient and you’ll see, all of this will pass.”  
  
End Part 2


	11. The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo's doctor reminds him that he hasn't escaped from his past. Duo worries what is going to happen to him when he is finally released from the hospital.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 6  
Part 3   
   
          Heero couldn’t help but be annoyed at Dr. Stark’s words. He didn’t want to be patient, he wanted Duo to be better right _now_. He caressed the smooth skin of Duo’s hand with his fingertips. He wanted someone to tell him that he had no reason to worry about anything, that he was just being silly, but all he was getting from people were maybes. He didn’t know how much heartache he could take or how much more pain Duo could take before his body broke. It was scary, watching Duo sleep fitfully in his agony and know that there was nothing he could do to make the pain go away. But, all he could do, realistically, was sit and wait and hope.  
   
            
          In the end, Dr. Stark’s prediction of Duo turned out to be true. The rest of the day, he tossed and turned in terrible pain, mumbling things that Heero only half-understood, but by nighttime his fever spiked, and by afternoon the next day, most of the pain had disappeared, leaving Duo weak and shaky, but mostly unharmed. Heero was relieved, but realized that Duo was uncomfortable talking about what he had felt and witnessed during his fever, so Heero kept his questions and relief to himself. Duo spent the rest of the day trying to see what his body was capable within the confines of the bed. He still felt weak, but his back muscles were slowly getting better, even while his body was dealing with its addiction. To his delight, he found that he could now twist his back fully both ways and, when he moved his arms and legs, it didn’t hurt as much. Still, even with his progress, the thought of getting out of bed was daunting to him in his weakened state.  
   
   
   
          8:53 a.m. found Heero and Duo waiting for Dr. Stark. Name had left last night, kissing Duo on the forehead and assuring him that she would be back by ten a.m. to help him with his physical therapy. For one, both Heero and duo had slept long and hard with no dreams. Heero could tell just by looking at Duo that, though he was still scared about his withdrawal, he was feeling much better, stronger and nearly healthy, though he was still pretty weak. While Duo had been in physical therapy last afternoon, Heero had finally left the hospital for the first time since he had first brought Duo in. The sun had been shining brightly and he had walked to the eyeglass store to order Duo’s glasses. While Duo was going through his check-up with Dr. Stark, he was going to go pick them up. He was sure that they would make Duo feel better. He knew how much Duo hated his poor vision. He couldn’t begin to imagine how scary it was for him, being unable to see clearly in a strange place, too weak to defend himself. Heero was just glad that he could do something for his friend to make him feel safe.   
   
          Just as always, at 9 a.m. sharp, Dr. Stark waltzed into the room for Duo’s daily check-up and the longhaired boy’s eyes darkened at the sight of him. Heero knew that Duo hated these check ups. Hell, if he had gone through what Duo had, he wouldn’t want some strange man touching him, either, but it was a necessary evil.  
          “Good morning, Mr. Maxwell, Mr. Yuy,” Stark said in a chipper voice.  
          “Morning, Doctor,” Heero greeted. He wasn’t allowed in the room while the doctor was examining Duo. Stark had insisted that Duo had asked him not to be there and, while Heero understood that Duo wouldn’t want him to see him naked, it still made him a little sad. He wondered if Duo even knew what he wanted, because whenever he started to leave, Duo’s eyes would be silently pleading him to stay, but in the end, Heero always let the doctor usher him out. Now was no different. They entered into the usual pre-exam ritual. Stark looked impatient for Heero to leave. Heero kissed Duo’s forehead, watching with pleasure as Duo’s eyes became half-lidded at the kiss, just as always.   
          “I’ll be back in a half an hour,” he promised, just as always. Duo looked at him, begging him to stay, but Heero left, just as always.  
   
   
   
          Stark closed the door behind him and approached Duo.  
          “How are you feeling today?” he asked. Duo wrapped his arms around his knees, hating how the hospital gown gave him nearly no modesty. He hated these examinations. They were embarrassing and, he felt, unnecessary. His body was either going to heal or it wasn’t, without the doctor’s help.  
          “My back feels better, but I’m still a little bit shaky,” Duo admitted. Stark smiled at this.   
          “I’m glad to hear that. Now, let’s see how your other injuries are doing.”  
          Duo sat perfectly still, like a trapped animal, as the doctor examined the fading bruises on his arms, legs, neck, and collarbone. He couldn’t help but flinch as the doctor probed the bruises around his neck with his cold fingers.   
          “Have you ever experienced memory loss?” Stark asked, focusing on his neck. Duo nodded.  
          “Sometimes, but what does that have to do with anything?”  
          The doctor hummed low in his throat.   
          “Were you ever strangled?” the man’s voice tilted in a tone of strange eagerness.   
          “Yes.”   
          Stark ran his tongue over his bottom lip, but didn’t say anything further about it. Duo hissed as the doctor pressed his hand against his ribs.  
          “Does that hurt?”  
          “It only aches a little,” Duo said.   
          “Good,” Stark said with a small nod, “your ribs seem to be healing nicely. It’s normal for the flesh around them to be tender after a break.”  
          Stark pushed the neck of the gown aside and pressed his fingers against the healing bite on Duo’s shoulder that had started to scar. Duo struggled to control his breathing. He couldn’t stand this close proximity, the curious fingers brushing over his skin, it was too close to his memories. Stark didn’t seem to notice Duo’s quickening breath or heart rate and if he did, he didn’t comment on it.  
          “The infection has cleared up nicely,” Stark noted and drew Duo’s gown away from his side, pressing his hand against the incision where his spleen had been removed.  
          “Ah!” Duo cried out as his side started to throb.  
          “How much does it hurt?” the doctor asked him.  
          “Only a little.”  
          “This seems to be healing well, too. You said that you’re back is better, so I don’t see any reason why you can’t try to walk tomorrow.”  
          Despite his fear of the doctor’s touch, Duo felt relieved at the news. If he could just walk, then he could get out of here and away from this place.  
          “Roll onto your stomach, please,” Stark said.  
   
   
         _“On your stomach, I don’t need to see your fucking face.”_  
   
   
          Duo paled at the command and the phantom voice, but did what he was told. It was too deep inside of him, the training to always do what he was told. He felt the doctor’s large hands caress his back and he flinched harshly, but Stark ignored him. Duo bit his lip in discomfort as the doctor pressed against the knot of muscles on his lower back where he had been struck so long ago.  
          “Everything looks good,” Stark said, “the swelling has gone down and your burns and infections have healed,” he let Duo roll onto his back again.  
          “Now, spread your legs.”  
   
          _“Be a good little whore and spread them wider.”_  
  
   
          Duo felt bile rise in his throat.  
          “I don’t want to,” he whispered, unable to voice his protests any louder, but his words sounded so weak. Stark snorted.  
          “Don’t be ridiculous, you know I have to check everywhere.”  
          Duo squeezed his eyes shut. He hated him, he should have known. All men were the same. Well… not all of them…  
          Stark pressed his hands against Duo’s upper thighs, stroking the fair skin there. Duo felt the strong urge to either sob or vomit, he couldn’t decide which, so he stayed silent instead. It was always the same. Every day he stayed silent as he was touched in this way. He told himself that it was ok, it wasn’t like the doctor was fucking him and he was a doctor, so he had to touch him anyway and no one would care if it made him feel sick, but it still made him want to scream. The man’s fingers were light as he stroked his legs, but they made his stomach feel heavy, as though he had swallowed lead. It was Wes all over again, too scared and ashamed to cry out for help, too weak to fight, just taking it in silence. He knew that he shouldn’t, that he should tell Heero or Name, but something stopped him every time.   
          “I love boys like you,” Stark mused, marveling at how soft Duo’s skin was, “don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fag, but girls nowadays cry so easily, but boys like you know how to keep a secret. After all, you’d been abused for years and only now did you say anything about it!” his hands started to creep lower on Duo’s thighs, towards his crotch.  
          “I’m not a bad person, Duo,” Thomas insisted, “I just have urges, like all men, but I have to deal with mind in order to do my job well. You understand, of course, I’m sure that your father was the same way.” His hands continued to travel downward until they met with the bottom of Duo’s gown and he pushed it up to his stomach, his thorough fingers returning to Duo’s exposed thighs.  
          “What I don’t understand is why those people are interested in a poor, scrawny, little kid like you,” Stark continued, “They were so worried about you, you’d think you were one of the family.”  
          Duo shuddered as Stark leaned in and looked him in the eye.  
          “You were pretty bad off, I was almost positive you were going to die. There was nothing left of you but bones and skin and you were shaking like a drowned rat, but the worst was the internal bleeding and shock. Your rectum was filled with blood and your side was such a mess, I was sure that you would never survive the surgery. You stopped breathing twice when we were cutting into you, but you pulled through. How, I will never know, but I’m glad you did. I’ve never been good at giving crying women bad news, especially _that_ woman.”   
          ‘Name was crying? I almost died?’ Duo thought, bewildered. It was hard to imagine such a strong, sure woman like Name Yuy crying over someone like him. The fact that he had almost died didn’t hit him like it should have. He didn’t remember a lot about that night. By the time Heero had gotten him into the car, he had been too far gone to recall much. What he remembered the most was pain so horrible he wanted to rip his flesh out. He had had the sensation of movement and had heard a voice that sounded suspiciously like Heero’s crying and talking to him, begging him to stay awake, to not die on him. Then, there had been this awful bright light, which he now assumed was the inside of the hospital. There had been the sound of solemn voices, people touching him, the feeling of needles in his arms and frantic goings on around him, but he was in too much pain to even open his eyes and he couldn’t recall anything after that. He had never really thought about it, his obvious survival had told him enough.  
          “I know that you were raped,” Stark’s words cut through him and he paled. He knew that Stark knew about the abuse, it was hard not to figure out with his injuries and Name’s insistence that his father not be allowed to see him, and he knew that it was childish to hope that no one knew about the sex, but that was also pretty obvious. Still, it was embarrassing enough having his friends know about it, let alone strangers. He wondered if the whole hospital was gossiping about him or if Dr. Stark had wisely kept it to himself. Wasn’t that what doctors were supposed to do? Protect their patients’ privacy? But then, he was sure that doctors weren’t supposed to feel up their patients, either.  
          “Was it Heero that did it? With the amount of damage to your anus and rectum, he must be pretty well hung! I’m a little jealous,” Stark continued, but the words washed over Duo, his attention solely focused on the doctor’s fingers traveling up his body.  
          “I wonder, does he expect to keep you like some pet cat?”  
   
   
   
 _Duo fought against his newest john as he buckled a tight, black, leather dog collar around his neck._  
 _“Stop squirming!” the blonde man yelled at the child, tugging at his hair. Duo immediately stayed still at the sharp pain through his scalp. He wanted to rip the offending collar off, with its heavy silver chain wrapped around the blonde’s hand, it was tight on his neck and it terrified the nine year old, but he stayed still, powerless to do anything but what the man told him. The john stroked his hair and pressed his hard cock against his cheek._  
 _“Be a good little kitty and I’ll give you some nice, rich milk.”_  
 _Duo licked at the head of the organ with small swipes of his tongue, slowly working it into his mouth._  
 _“Good kitty, good little pet,” the man crooned, wrapping more of the chain around his fist until the collar tugged at Duo’s thin neck, forcing him forward and he thrust fully down his throat. In the past, he would have choked at the move, but after two years, he knew better and simply wrapped his tongue around the length, wetting it to make it easier. The man groaned and panted as the boy sucked on him, his tongue caressing him with surprising grace. He drew out of the moist cavern, only to thrust back in, grabbing at the child’s hair, fucking his mouth._  
 _Duo didn’t flinch as the blonde pulled out suddenly and hot, thick cum splattered on his face and hair._  
 _“Shit,” the man panted as he started to regain his composure._  
 _“What are you waiting for?” he snapped, “clean it up! No, you stupid animal, with your tongue!”_   
   
   
          “Pay attention!” Stark’s harsh voice and sudden grip on his spread thighs brought Duo out of his memory only to throw him into another.  
   
   
        _“Pay attention!” Wes snarled, slapping Duo across the face as the child tried to wrap a blanket around his nude body as he shivered on the cold floor of his bedroom._  
 _“No!” he cried, “please, leave me alone!” he begged._  
 _It had been two weeks since Wes had picked Duo off of the street and had started to teach him how to be a proper whore. Now, the man wanted him to practice on some of his ‘friends’, and he just couldn’t do it. He wanted to wrap the blanket as tightly around himself as he could and disappear from the world. It was strange, when he was living on the streets, he had been invisible to the world and he wanted nothing more than to have that invisibility back now._  
 _Wes grabbed his arm, hauled him to his feet, and ripped the blanket from him._  
 _“No!” Duo cried, trying to get the blanket back and Wes shook him roughly._  
 _“You still don’t get it, do you?” he snapped, “Whore’s don’t need clothes! Now stop fucking around and do your job!” Wes dragged him out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where half a dozen men around Wes’ age, including Chris, were lounging. Their eyes focused on him and he blushed deeply. He couldn’t take it, their eyes roaming over his naked body like he was a choice cut of beef. Wes shoved him forward and he hastily covered his crotch with his hands, wishing there was something to hide behind. He had never felt uglier in his life, bare in front of so many men, his hair loose and brushing against his back. With a growl, Wes placed a hand on Duo’s shoulder and squeezed in warning. Shaking, Duo let his arms fall to his sides, exposing him completely. His face felt like it was on fire and he wanted to throw up. His skin crawled with the constant staring and it was only because of the men’s silence and Wes’ painful grip on his shoulder that kept him from trying to run._  
 _“Now, slut, why don’t you tell these nice gentlemen what you really are?” Wes jeered._  
 _Duo’s shaking intensified, but any protests died in his throat at that harsh, squeezing hand._  
 _“I-I am a whore,” Duo stammered, his voice as shaky as his body, “I am a slut. I am not a person. I am nothing more than a hole for men to fuck,” he fell into silence, feeling his words cling to his skin. They had been hard to say and he was panting with the exertion of forcing them out, but they rang in his head._  
 _“Again,” Wes ordered._  
 _“No,” Duo whimpered, but with another harsh squeeze of Wes’ hand, he found the words spilling out._  
 _“I am a whore. I am a slut. I am not a person. I am nothing more than a hole for men to fuck,” Duo’s voice started to become more steady as he repeated the words, despite the tears that were tracking down his cheeks, his eyes starting to look dead and flat._  
 _“Again.”_  
   
   
          Duo was awoken from the sickening memory by the absence of the doctor’s hands on his skin. He blinked in the bright lights and saw Stark putting on latex gloves.  
          “No,” he murmured. Stark frowned at him.  
          “Don’t be stupid. It’s my job as a doctor to make sure that you’re completely healthy.”  
          Duo tensed as the man approached him again.   
          ‘Is it also your job to molest your patients, Doctor?’ Duo thought bitterly. Even if he had taken everything in silence in the past, Duo felt that he should try to reason with the man, or at the very least, get him to admit his true intentions. Saying things like it was just his job or that Duo was being bashful made Duo feel that he was just overreacting, even when he knew that what the doctor was doing was wrong.   
          “But I’m fine! I’m eating solid food and it doesn’t hurt down there anymore! Besides, you said yesterday that everything looked fine,” Duo protested.   
          “It never hurts to be thorough, now does it, Duo? This is your health we’re talking about, besides, don’t you think that Mrs. Yuy would be upset if I didn’t do my best for you? Now, spread your legs,” Stark said, putting a hand on his knee. Duo lay back against the pillow, spread his legs, and closed his eyes. He winced as the doctor spread his buttocks and slipped a finger inside of him. The gloves were lubricated, so it didn’t really hurt, but his past experiences painted the phantom pain well enough that it might as well have. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly. He told himself that it was just a normal examination, but the finger went too deep, caressed too much, stayed inside for too long, and he couldn’t believe the lie.   
   
   
          _“I have a job for you to do, but it’s your choice.”_  
  
 _“It’ll only hurt for a second.”_  
  
 _“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”_  
  
 _“I’ll give you shelter and plenty of food if you do what you’re told. You’ll also make a lot of money.”_  
  
 _“Here’s a sandwich. I hope you like it, I’m not much of a cook, my specialty is take out.”_  
   
          Phantom, harsh laughter.  
   
          _“Even girls bleed their first time.”_  
   
   
          Wes’ words were so loud and strong it was like he was in the room with them. It was never going to stop, he suddenly realized. He would never escape from Wes, even if he killed him, which was laughable. The man and everything he had done and taught him was in his blood now. It was all his fault, this proved it. Even when he was away from the man, the same thing happened over and over again. He could fight as much as he wanted, but it wasn’t going to make a difference. This was his fate, he could see that now. All men were the same, he knew that deep down in his soul. They took and they took, not carrying about anyone but themselves. They were dirty, but he was the worst one of the bunch, because he had actually conned himself into believing that things could change. It would never stop and he was so tired of all of it…  
   
            
_“Was it Heero that did it?”_  
  
          No, that wasn’t right… Heero wasn’t like them, he was different! When Heero’s kind, blue eyes looked at him, he didn’t feel dirty, when he was with Heero, he felt… good. The world wasn’t just filled with johns and whores, hadn’t Heero shown him that? He had helped him, cared for him, for nothing in return. That wasn’t how his world worked. He had turned everything inside out and Duo wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. He wanted things now that he had never even thought of before. Those things had always belonged to someone else, someone better, or so he had thought, but for the first time in his life, he actually _had_ better. He didn’t deserve it, but it was there, anyway. Intense fury filled him at the doctor’s words. He might be shit compared to Stark, but the man was nothing compared to Heero! He had no right to say those things.  
   
   
          Stark ran his tongue over his back teeth as he pushed his middle finger deeper into Duo’s body. He could feel the boy’s heat and softness even through the glove. It felt different than a girl’s vagina, but no less pleasant. He looked at Duo’s face and felt annoyed that the pretty boy wasn’t paying attention to him again. He wasn’t used to that. Usually, his patients’ attention was solely on him, but this boy was different.   
          He had dealt with kids and their sickening disrespect for adults his entire career as a doctor. They thought that they could say or do whatever they liked without consequence. Even when he was trying to help them, they always believed that they knew better than him, _were_ better. It was so powerful, knowing that he could send brats like those to their knees where their parents and teachers couldn’t. He didn’t rape the, of course, he was a doctor and he had more class than that, he just enjoyed their bodies with his hands and showed them how small and unimportant they were.  
          He had started with girls. Like he had told Duo, he wasn’t gay and he preferred girls. They were softer, sweeter, and the way they smelled turned him on greatly. However, they were also weak and prone to crying and begging, something he couldn’t stand. Also, girls nowadays had no shame and had no qualms about running to their parents. It was during a close call where a girl had tried to get him arrested that he decided to turn to boys. The girl had gotten her parents on her side, but there had been no real evidence and the hospital had backed him up.  
          Boys weren’t exactly ideal for his needs, but they served a purpose and kept him safe. They acted more confused at his actions than the girls, but in the end, they just grit their teeth and bore it in silence, too embarrassed to tell anyone about it. Truthfully, he didn’t see what the big deal was. Breaking the law was kind of exciting, but they weren’t children and he didn’t hurt them. He also didn’t do it to all of his patients only the ones he thought deserved it. Duo didn’t exactly fit this category, though. He was quiet, soft spoken, and polite, the perfect teenager, in Stark’s opinion. Heero, on the other hand, was just Stark’s type. The thought that he was molesting Heero Yuy’s best friend behind his back was the best sort of victory. Besides, the longhaired boy was just too pretty for him to let the chance pass him by.   
          The doctor dodged, pulling out his finger, as Duo threw a weak punch at his head. The boy was still too weak to do any damage that way, but making sure that the blow wouldn’t land was satisfying. It wouldn’t do for the boy to think that he could get away with such behavior. He wasn’t the first that had tried to fight him, but it had always amounted to nothing. He couldn’t stop the slightly disbelieving, amused laughter that spilled from his lips and he didn’t want to.  
            
          Duo collapsed against the pillows, panting. It had been stupid trying to do that. Dull pain laced up his back. He had known that he was too weak to actually hit anyone, but he hadn’t cared, he had been too angry. It had been oddly satisfying, too, knowing that he had not only come close to striking him, but he had fought back. He had never fought against Wes, that was why the thought of killing him seemed so stupid, but this man wasn’t Wes. Compared to his ex-pimp, he was a bug, bothersome, but worthless. Duo felt an odd sort of power knowing that he had, for the first real time, tried, not to get away, but actually try to hurt someone that was hurting him. He also knew that, if it hadn’t been for the harsh words Stark had spoken about Heero, he wouldn’t have even thought about it. What was happening to him? In the past, the thought of striking someone who was touching him like that would have filled him with ingrained fear. He had felt too cowed and powerless, but now he just felt very angry and wanted, very badly, to hurt the doctor. His actions didn’t feel like his own and he wasn’t sure if that was a positive thing or not.  
          Stark took off his gloves and tossed them in the trash.  
          “Just what is it that you think you’re doing?” Stark asked him, “After I’ve worked _so hard_ to keep you healthy, you’re going to do something so childish?”  
          The doctor cupped Duo’s cheek and the boy flinched hard away from him. Stark felt that patronizing laughter bubbling up in his throat again, but made sure not to release it. Duo grabbed at the bedside table to steady himself as his flinch made him bump his head against the wall. His hand hit the full water glass on the table and some of the water sloshed out of it. Stark looked at him with a small smirk that Duo was starting to hate. Even when he had tried to fight back, knowing what Stark had been doing to him for days made him feel sick. What about when he had been too drugged up to remember his own name? Had he done anything to him, then? The thought of someone touching him when he was that vulnerable reminded him of being chained to Wes’ bed and it sent violent shudders through his body. Even when he tried to fight back he couldn’t stop anything. He was useless. He wanted Heero… he had left him all alone, but that was his fault, not Heero’s. He knew that if he told Heero to make Stark stop, he would. That was one of the reasons why his love for him burned so deeply. He had told Heero to make the pain stop and he had, just like that. Heero felt like the only person he could really trust. He had turned to hate when he had discovered what he and Zechs were doing _because_ he cared. But, it was because of that that he couldn’t say anything. He wanted Heero to see him as a strong person, not the stupid, ugly coward that he really was. He just wanted Heero to come back. If he could just _see him_ , he could pretend that everything was all right.   
          “You really are quite pretty, for a boy, I mean. Even with that gorgeous hair of yours, you’re definitely not a girl, but you’re still pretty,” Stark mused, “I can see why that boy is eating out of your hand and it’s as equally obvious why you allow him to follow you around like some dumb puppy. I mean, if you hang around that family for long enough, they’ll open a lot of doors for you. Just look at what they’ve done for you so far! But, even an independent kid like you needs an adult to lead him,” Stark gripped his chin, meeting Duo’s furious eyes, “So, how about it? I’m sure you’ve seen enough being that boy’s friend that the two of us could blackmail them with!”  
          “Asshole!” Duo snarled, wrestling out of his grip. Stark felt that righteous laughter building up and let it go, the sound hysterical at the sight of Duo’s useless anger. The doctor staggered backwards as Duo’s water glass crashed into his forehead, shattering and splashing water all over his head, making his hair stick to his skin and he looked pathetically like a drowned cat. He looked at Duo with wide, disbelieving eyes. His thoughts were jumbled and he couldn’t figure out what had just happened. He saw Duo sag into the bed, but why he looked so tired, yet proud, escaped him. Then, the pain started, a strange mixture of stinging and throbbing. A long, red line formed on his forehead and a thick stream of blood started to trickle down his face. He blinked back to wakefulness as he tasted his own blood. With a shaky hand, he swiped off the blood that had dripped down his mouth and stared at his hand, stained a brilliant red. Duo would have laughed at the sight of Stark’s shocked expression if he didn’t feel so drained. Stark wiped at the stream of blood and stared at it again.  
          “You… you little…” the doctor stammered. That bastard had hit him with a fucking _glass_ , he had made him _bleed_!   
          “You little shit!” he yelled, finally managing the words and he raised his fist to strike him. Duo stayed calm in the face of the doctor’s fury.  
          “I wouldn’t do that,” he said in a flat voice.   
          Stark froze as Duo’s voice broke through the fog of anger that was wrapping around his mind. Where had his carefully constructed control gone?  
          “You’re wrong about Heero. He’s better than you, he would _never_ touch me like that. He’s my best friend and he and Mrs. Yuy care about me. If they find out about what you’ve done, losing your job will be the last of your worries,” Duo said, marveling at his own calm. Blackmail… was that what he was doing? It felt kind of good. He wasn’t surprised that he wasn’t afraid of being hit. He had been beaten by the best, after all, but for the first time in his life, he had something protecting him he had a small shark od power.   
          “You won’t tell anyone,” Stark said confidently, but he lowered his hand. Duo cocked his head to the side.   
          “On my own, no. But, in order to protect Heero, I’ll do what I have to. If you hit me, Heero will find out about it and he’ll find a way to make me tell him everything,” Duo smiled fondly, “he has a way of doing that to me. The last thing I want is for him to find out about this like that. If he discovers that I’ve been hiding this, it’ll hurt him, but if I _willfully_ tell him… I’d rather he didn’t find out at all, but I _will_ tell him if I have to,” Duo reasoned. Stark glared at him, but Duo could tell that he was backing off and he closed his eyes. Thomas seethed at the blatant dismissal but realized that he was trapped. Trapped by a mere child… if it had happened to anyone else, he would have laughed. He stifled a childish grumble and started to leave.  
          “Don’t forget to clean up the glass,” Duo called, wondering if he could get a nap in before Heero returned. Stark grit his teeth, but grabbed a broom and dustpan from the closet and went to work  
   
          Stark made quick work of the glass and left, which Duo was grateful for. He felt tired from the last few days of battling his withdrawal and dealing with his doctor. He would stick to his word and not tell Heero and Name about any of it. It wasn’t because he was rewarding him for not striking him. It was simple, really. He knew what most of the world was like and he had learned over the years that there was no changing that. Even if he told on Stark, it wouldn’t change things. At the very least, he could let Name and Heero keep thinking of Stark as a good person. It was a lie, but it was a good lie. Besides, Stark wouldn’t touch him from now on now that he had put the fear of Mamma Yuy in him and that was enough of a victory for him. Feeling better than I had since before the fight he had had with Heero so long ago, he allowed himself to fall asleep.  
   
   
            
          Duo awoke to see Heero sitting in his chair, watching him sleep with a fond smile on his handsome face.  
          “Hey,” Heero said softly.  
          “Mm,” Duo gave a sleepy moan, the covers wrapped around him which he knew had been Heero’s doing, “Wha’ time is it?” he asked, still half asleep. Heero’s smile turned even softer, if that was possible.   
          “It’s noon. You were sleeping so deeply, I didn’t want to wake you. How are you feeling?”   
          Duo stretched as much as he could and yawned, struggling towards wakefulness.   
          “Better, I think. My head and neck still ache a little, but I’m not so cold,” he admitted.  
          Heero’s smile widened.  
          “No hallucinations?”   
          Duo shook his head.  
          “The fever’s almost completely gone and Dr. Stark said that he thinks the worst of it is over.”  
          Heero breathed a silent sigh of relief.  
          “You look better, not so shaky. Do you remember the last two days?” he asked. Duo’s doctor had told him that some short term memory loss might occur, but he hoped that Duo remembered the promise Heero had made to him and that he was safe.   
          “It’s a blur,” Duo said, “but I remember most of it in bits and pieces,” he blushed, “Heero, I’m so sorry. I worried you and those crazy things I said-,”  
          “Duo, don’t apologize,” Heero interrupted, brushing Duo’s long bangs out of his face, “you never have to apologize to me. You were very sick, so of course I was worried. You were scared and I don’t blame you for that. Hell, I was just a bystander and I was scared!”   
          Duo smiled back at him, glad that nothing had changed poorly after all of the tings he had told him.  
          “I am feeling a lot better and Dr. Stark said that I can start walking soon.”  
          Heero beamed at the news.  
          “That’s great!” he exclaimed, “You’ll be out of here in no time!”   
          Duo’s smile waned a little, though Heero didn’t seem to notice. He had survived all of this time in the hospital yearning to leave, but he knew that once he did, he would be on his own again. Heero _would_ leave him, whether he wanted to or he had to, Duo couldn’t know, but he would leave him. He had promised that he wouldn’t but Duo couldn’t see any other option. Leaving the hospital meant that he was well and that he was free, but it also meant that he was leaving Heero behind, or was it that Heero was leaving him? Heero had made the promise, but Duo hadn’t. Still, he could feel the unspoken agreement not to leave _each other_ in the air. Did it really need to be said? But it had felt so good hearing Heero make that promise, even in the terrible pain he had been in at the time. He would stay with Heero for how long as he could, but in the end, did he really have choice? He wanted to be better, but if being healthy meant that he had to sacrifice Heero to get there, he never wanted to walk again! But that wasn’t fair to Heero, to tie him down to an invalid friend. That wasn’t a friendship, it was like some one sided parasitic relationship with one person feeding off of the other. He couldn’t cripple him in that way.  
          “By the way,” Heero interrupted Duo’s thoughts and took out a glasses case from his jacket pocket, “these are yours.”  
          Duo’s heart raced at the sight of the case. He blurted out the first thought that came to him.  
          “I’ve never gotten a present before,” he murmured, tears pricking at his eyes. He told himself that that wasn’t true. Every tie Heero had shared his lunch with him, every meal Name had cooked for him, all those flowers she had brought, those were presents. But Heero handing him his glasses felt like a true _gift_.  
          Heero blushed darkly as the glass case exchanged hands. His heart pounded at the fact that Duo’s first present was from him.  
          “I picked out the frames and paid for them with my own money,” Heero told him. Duo looked at him with wide eyes.  
          “Heero…”  
          Heero rubbed at the back of his head.  
          “It seemed appropriate.”  
          Duo looked down at the black, leather case.  
          ‘A real gift,’ he thought, his heart beating faster and faster. He wanted to tell Heero that he didn’t deserve them or that he shouldn’t have gone through the whole effort, but he knew that that would just cheapen it, besides, he could barely breathe, let alone speak.           
          “Tell me if they’re ok,” Heero said and Duo found himself opening the case.   
          They were slim and elegant looking, but simple and not fancy. The frames were thin, the arms a deep ebony, but the rims were a mixture of silver and a deep copper that had been painstakingly chosen to match his hair. He held them nervously in his hands, noting how light they were.   
          “They’re beautiful,” he breathed. He opened the arm, slipped them on, and gasped softly.  
          “I… I can see,” he whispered. Heero’s heart exploded with mutual happiness.  
          “Really?” he asked excitedly. Duo nodded, a tear tracking down his cheek.   
          “I haven’t seen this well since… since before…” Duo couldn’t finish the sentence, but he didn’t need to, Heero understood him perfectly well. Duo looked around the room, shocked at how sharp everything was. The blurred colors he had no idea had existed. There was an archaic painting of running, wild horses. The heart monitor had been made by a company named ‘Baetes’. There were six white lilies, ten iris’, and four sunflowers in the crystal vase.   
          Heero studied Duo’s amazed expression. The glasses he had picked out suited him so much better than the other one he had worn. They made him look adorable because they almost disappeared on his face. He tried to remember when he had felt this happy and couldn’t. He had found Duo. He was finally back in his life and he was finally getting better.  
          Duo suddenly wrapped his arms around Heero and hugged him tightly. Heero followed the move and hugged him back, for the first time in days, without having to worry about hurting him.  
          “Don’t leave me,” Duo whispered, “don’t leave me alone again,” he started to shake. He didn’t want to go back to the bad places. He only wanted to be touched by Heero, not Stark, not Chris…  
          Heero let go of him and looked at his pale face. He couldn’t follow Duo’s rampant mood swings, but he could tell from the light shaking that something wasn’t right.  
          “What’s wrong? You don’t look well.”  
          Duo looked up at him.  
          “I’m just tired,” he said softly, “I’m tired, Heero,” he pressed his face into Heero’s chest. Heero clung to him, feeling sick all over again. It wasn’t a physical exhaustion that Duo was talking about, he realized. His _soul_ was tired. Tired of being hungry, tired of humiliation, tired of abuse, tired of being dirty. Tired to the bones of being tired. Heero chewed on his lip. Was he at the end of his rope? Was Duo just going to give up? That couldn’t happen… he couldn’t let that happen. Even if he had to shoulder all of Duo’s weight to save him and make him whole again, he would gladly do so.   
          “Have you ever seen the ocean?” he asked. Duo looked up at him, bewildered.   
          “No, I’ve never seen it. I’ve never had the time.”  
          Heero put on a smile but his heart hurt. He had lived here for two months and he had been to the beach several times, but Duo had lived here his whole life and hadn’t gone once. He had been too busy trying to survive.  
          “Some Mainer you are!” he teased, “One day, when you’re all better, I’ll take you there, just the two of us.”  
          Duo wanted to cry. It was too much. _Heero_ was too much. He wanted to say no. Even if, right after he got out of the hospital, Heero took him to the beach, in the end, Duo would still be back on the streets. It made him too bitter. But, his memories of Heero would be all he had, so why not? Why not one last perfect memory?  
          “Ok,” he agreed, “I’d like that.”  
          “Pinky swear,” Heero said with a grin.  
          “Huh?” Duo asked, confused. Heero sighed heavily and linked his pinky with Duo’s. Duo watched this with wide-eyed interest like a small child.  
          “Pinky swear,” Heero pointed out.  
          “Oh,” Duo said, as though he had figured out some great secret.   
   
   
          Name’s business meeting ran late and she didn’t come by until three, but she brought Heero a hamburger and snuck Duo a chocolate shake, another treat he had never had, but enjoyed greatly. She became ecstatic when she heard that Duo might be walking soon and sought his doctor out. Stark entered the hospital room with a bandage over the cut on his head, completely ignoring Duo, which Heero and Name knew was odd, but they didn’t mention it. Instead, Name grilled him about Duo’s progress and he gladly told her everything he knew until she asked him about the bandage. He nervously shook off the question and left the room hastily, another bizarre occurrence, but they pretended like it had never happened.   
   
          True to his word the next day Stark started Duo’s walking therapy. Duo expected something grueling, leg stretches and complex exercises, perhaps. What he hadn’t expected was Stark asking to just stand up and walk to the door of his room. Wasn’t there supposed to be more to it Of course, he had been doing leg and back exercises through physical therapy for days but he didn’t think that he was supposed to just stand up. He stared at the doctor blankly for a few seconds. After a week in the hospital, walking still seemed so complicated. He knew, logically, that he should at the very least, be able to stand by now. Sitting up was as easy as breathing now and his back muscles were strong enough for him to write and eat on his own. Throwing that glass at Stark had proved that to him, but after the trauma of his ruptured spleen, he was a little bit scared of trying to walk. Then, there was the thing that had been nagging at him like a hungry parasite. From the moment he had woken up after his surgery, he had wanted to leave. He hated the hospital, it was frighteningly close to what Wes had done to him, making him weak and vulnerable, trapping him in that room, that bed… But now that he was stronger and could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, he realized the truth. As long as he was sick, weak, and hurting, Heero would stay with him. He had promised and Duo knew that Heero would keep that promise. As long as he was here, Heero wouldn’t abandon him. But, what about when he was whole again, when Heero no longer felt the need, the duty, to stick by him? He would be back on the streets soon, his slowly rising strength told him that, how he would survive without Wes and the shelter he and the prostitution had provided, he still hadn’t figured out. Perhaps he would go back to begging and stealing like he had as a child. It would be harder now that he was a teenager and since his reputation as a whore was pretty solid on the streets, that would create a lot of problems for him. Johns would recognize him, other prostitutes would probably consider him a threat to their livelihood and now that he had no pimp, they would consider him fair game and so would other pimps. Then there was Wes. Duo was sure that the man wouldn’t give up on him. He had the stubborn streak of a fighting dog and eluding him would be the most difficult thing. Among all of the questions and unknowns, Duo knew one thing: when he left the hospital, Heero wouldn’t be there anymore and he didn’t know if he wanted to live with that. The fear of being alone was overwhelming and the fear of never seeing Heero again was ten times worse. Last night, when Heero had fallen asleep, Duo had laid awake, thinking. He mulled the entire week over in his head. Heero had stayed with him through a lot of crap and Duo knew that he would just be kidding himself if he actually believed he had gotten through everything as well as he had, with or without Heero’s help. When he was gone, would what little strength he had left leave him as well? The withdrawal had been bad and Duo remembered all of the bad things he had wanted to do to himself, but the fear of Heero’s disapproval had made him not do those things. He had struggled through the physical therapy, partially because he had wanted to leave so badly, but mostly because he wanted Heero to be proud of him. In those late hours of the night, he had seriously considered hurting himself to stay in the hospital, but he couldn’t. Heero was his friend and friends didn’t pull that shit just to keep each other. That wasn’t friendship, it was leaning, it was crippling.   
          So, here he was, about to take the big leap of trying to walk and found that his greatest fear was not of failing, but succeeding. He felt Name and Heero’s gazes on him and could feel their hope. They wanted very much for him to get better and who was he to deny them that. He sat on the edge of the bed, his feet dangling over the side, and he placed his feet on solid ground. The tiles were cold under his bare feet, but it felt nice. His leg muscles flexed and, for the first time in a week, he stood under his own power. His butt left the bed and for a brief second, he was disoriented, but he just looked at Heero and felt the world come back to him. Heero’s anxious face broke out into a grin.  
          “How does it feel?” he asked eagerly. Stark stood behind Name and Heero, watching intently, but not saying a word. Duo analyzed himself as he stood. He wasn’t toppling over, which was a good sign and more than he could have hoped for.  
          “It’s a little wobbly,” he admitted, “but nothing hurts and I’m not falling down yet,” he joked. Name looked like she wanted t o hug him, but restrained herself.  
          “Alright,” Stark finally spoke, “why don’t you try to walk to the door? If you feel up to it, we can try the hallway, as well. If you feel any stress in your side or lower back stop walking and tell us. There’s no sense in you hurting yourself this late in the game,” he warned. Duo nodded. Heero stepped up and placed his hand under Duo’s upper arm not supporting him, but staying close in case he needed to help him. It was ten steps to the door. Duo had spent the last three days, when he had been lucid, watching people come and go and counting their steps. At first it had been about keeping occupied, but it had quickly turned into being prepared for the inevitable.   
          His legs felt weak as he walked, but stable and he managed to make it to the door with no problem. Heero was like a hawk, watching his friend’s every move. When Dr. Stark had told him it was finally time for Duo to start walking again, he had been both excited and a bit nervous. So far everything looked ok. He managed to contain himself so he wasn’t helping Duo walk, though he was diligent in watching for any stumbles. He felt like cheering when they made it to the door, but settled for grinning like a kid on Christmas morning. Duo felt a mixture of feelings when his hand closed around the doorknob, relief, joy, frustration, sadness. For a moment, it looked like Heero would intervene and try to open the door for him, but Duo was glad when he stayed still. He had thought that it would be hard, that the door would defeat him, but his hand was steady as it opened the door.  
          Duo felt a momentary pang of disappointment when he saw how boring and ordinary the hallway was. He had waited a week for this, but all he could see was white. The long hallway was rightly lit, the repetitively white walls only broken by the maroon signs by each door with their white room numbers. Duo shook off his disappointment and continued down the hall. Heero followed closely, reminding Duo of Stark calling him a dog. Beyond his anger at the insult, he could see the truth in that. They were like cats and dogs. Duo, the solitary, wild creature yearning for affection, but too independent and stubborn to bring himself down to the level where he could get that intimacy and Heero, sweet, bright, loyal, fiercely, protective, willing to do anything for attention from the people he loved, but the wild wolf still lurked under the surface. They owned each other, but they were still equally wild. Duo knew that that epiphany should have bothered him, but it actually made him feel a little bit better. He managed another six steps before his body started to remind him he had been stuck in bed for a week for a reason. A small prickling sensation started to build in his back and his legs shook.  
          “That’s enough,” Heero insisted, easily seeing the changes in his stance. Duo nodded.  
          “Can I walk back?” he asked, almost begging. He could see Heero mulling it over, but the blue eyed boy nodded.   
  
  
End Part 3


	12. The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now able to walk, expelled from school and burdened with hefty medical bills, Duo discovers what his future away from Wes is going to be like.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 6  
Part 4  
  
  
          Duo had to sit down for a few minutes to steady his legs while Stark exclaimed how great his progress was, but after five minutes, he was ready to try again. It went like that all day, Duo would walk farther and farther until he would have to sit down, but he would be back on his feet after only a few minutes. By the time that Name was getting ready to go home, Duo had been able to walk to the public bathroom and back to his room without having to rest. Even the composed woman smile happily when the doctor informed her that he saw no reason why Duo couldn’t be taken home in three days, if not less if he continued to make progress like he had been.  
          ‘I’ll be going ‘home’ in three days,’ Duo couldn’t help but think bitterly. He felt that half-excitement, half-fear again, but it did feel good, that feeling of ‘progress’. When Name said her goodbyes to Heero and Duo, for once, everyone was smiling, though Duo seemed distant. He lay in bed and listened to Heero talking about how excited he was about Duo being discharged. He could finally see the light through the tunnel, he just wished it still wasn’t so dark.   
   
          After giving Duo a thorough, but professional exam the next morning, Stark proclaimed that he would be discharged in two days, not three, since his headaches were manageable and his back didn’t hurt him anymore. Heero and Stark had a small fight about letting Duo take a _real_ shower. Stark said that it was too soon to leave Duo alone in the shower and Heero argued that, if he could walk down the hallway, he could stand in a shower for a few minutes. Duo was nearly salivating at the mere thought of getting a shower. Every day, his nurse would give him a sponge bath, which was beyond embarrassing, having some strange woman cleaning him. She was young and attractive in a non-extraordinary way, but Duo felt nothing, even when her full, ample breasts pressed against his naked chest when she washed him. She could tell that she wanted him to be an was annoyed that he gave no indication of more than noticing her when she was there. Any doubts about his sexuality had quickly left him after that. He had felt more excited when Heero’s hand had been on him when he had tried to walk than when the nurse had been washing his cock. No matter how thorough she had been, he had still felt dirty, especially his hair, so the prospect of a shower felt more like a dream than a possibility. Unfortunately, the intertwining thoughts of Heero trying to win him a shower and his embarrassing memories of the sponge baths gave him the mental image of _Heero_ giving him a sponge bath and he had to hide amongst the blankets while his will his cock to stop trying to harden. At least that was something he didn’t have to worry about. He had heard about men who went through surgery and ended up impotent. It sounded like an urban legend to him, but he supposed that it was possible. Still, it wasn’t something he had ever been worried about. He knew that it was shameful for a man not to be able to get it up, but it was even more shameful to him to get an erection while he was being raped. There had been times in the past when he had wished he was impotent but it looked like that was one part of his body that wasn’t broken The way he saw it, everyone had basic needs; water, food, sex, cleanliness, and sleep. He had lived his life with an adequate amount of water, little food, sleep, and cleanliness, and afar too much sex. But, now his world had been flipped and he had food and water and sleep with barely any sex. Now he just needed to do something about, finally, getting clean.  
          In the end, Heero won the fight, though Stark demanded that Heero at least say in the bathroom with him, in case he fell. Heero blushed as he made the promise. Duo would be completely naked, only a few feet away from him. Sure, he was now only wearing underwear and a hospital gown, bur for some reason, the thought of being in the same room with Duo as he took a shower made him feel prickly and hot. Duo also blushed at the promise, but for different reason. There was the eroticism of Heero standing outside the shower, but there was also his shame towards his own skinny, scarred, ugly body. He didn’t want Heero to see him naked, ever, but Stark didn’t say that he had to. In and out, he would make sure that the shower was quick and that Heero never saw a thing.  
   
          The two boys colleted towels, a clean gown, underwear, and soap and shampoo and made their way down the hall. Duo was almost perfectly steady on his feet now and Heero knew that he wouldn’t be falling over anytime soon. They walked to the private bathroom s and looked themselves in, both of them blushing. Heero watched his friend organize the supplies on the shelf of the shower and felt amazed at his progress. It was hard to equate the starving, bleeding boy he had found shivering in his room with the boy in front of him, walking, talking, independent… He shook his head. The bathroom was decent or a hospital utility. The shower was designed to fit two people with a sliding glass door, matt to keep people from slipping, various shower attachment, and a seat for patients who couldn’t stand, but were well enough to leave their rooms. There was a small mirror over the white porcelain sink and a soap dispenser that was nearly leaking the pink soap it held. Heero wrinkled his nose. Only a hospital could have soap that actually _smelled_ sterile, he decided. He turned his back to Duo, facing the door.   
          “You can get undressed,” he said, beyond embarrassed. He remembered how aroused he had bee when Duo had taken a shower at his house, and there had at least been a door separating them then. Fortunately, since Duo needed to get naked, Heero could hide his erection. He swore at himself at how inappropriate he was being. Duo didn’t need this right now and he didn’t either.  
          “If you need me, just, uh, call,” Heero stammered, feeling like an ass.  
          “Ok,” Duo said in a small voice and Heero heard the oddly sexy sound of what he assumed was Duo’s gown moving down his body to fall to the floor. His face felt like it was trying to combust as he felt the head of his dick pushing against his jeans. He put his hands over the bulge automatically, even though there was no one there to see it. He heard Duo’s feet padding softly on the cold tiles as he walked to the shower, opening and closing the door, the sharp sound of the water following.  
          Duo got into the shelter of the shower with its frosted door as quickly as possible, shrugging off his gown and underwear and getting into the shower.  He didn’t take his hair down until he turned the water on. He felt insecure about letting it down in front of Heero, even though he knew that was stupid. If there was anyone he should be ok about letting down his hair around, it was Heero. He made a small content moan as the hot water hit him and he arched his back, closing his eyes as the water soaked his hair, making it heavy. For a few minutes, he just reveled in being wet and warm and feeling the seat and grime and sickness slide off him with the water. It was only when he felt halfway human again that he reached for the soap.  
   
          Heero swore mentally as he heard Duo’s heated moan. Fuck, but that sounded hot. He squeezed his eyes shut and started to count backwards from one hundred, hoping that would soothe his tense body. It didn’t. This was ridiculous, he told himself, Duo trusted him and this was not the sort of reaction he should be having towards him, no matter how good that little moan had sounded, no matter at his own curiosity wondering what Duo would sound like moaning for more, he was better than that, wasn’t’ he? He wasn’t one of Duo’s nasty johns who didn’t care how much they hurt him as long as they got their rocks off in the end.  
          Heero wanted very much to take a peek when he heard the water shut off and Duo stepped out of the shower but reminded himself that he had no right to do so, not without Duo’s permission, and simply handed Duo a clean gown, still keeping his back turned. As Duo took the gown from Heero, he decided that he was looking forward to his release ate just because he would be able to put on _real_ clothes again. He could never put down his guard because of the skimpy outfit and felt so insecure, constantly checking that the back was adequately tied. He felt almost completely better after finally being able to wash himself. His hair felt lighter now that the seat was gone and he could almost imagine that he could leave today, right now, but as agile as he was on his feet, he still felt weaker and more tire d than he should and knew that he would need those two days. He was once against struck with the question of whether he would ever go back to normal or if he had pushed his body too far and this was a good as things were going to get. Still, being able to walk was good enough for him right now.   
          “Thank you,” he told Heero, “for the shower, I mean. It makes me feel a lot better.”  
          “I’m glad,” Heero said, his eyes painfully fixed on the door. Duo felt himself blushing again, realizing that he was standing completely naked next to his friend and quickly tugged on his underwear. He had been seen by hundreds of men naked and he knew that he was being silly, but this was _Heero._ He stood in front of the mirror and stared at his reflection. His hair was soaked, the quick braid he had put together trailing down his back and his long bangs tuck to his face, giving him the appearance of a wet cat. His skin was so pale, it was almost white under the bright lights, ruined by dozens of scars on his bare chest, neck, arms, and even his stomach. He had little muscle mass, but he wasn’t quite as skinny as he had been. He curled his hands into fists. His violet eyes looked so weird to him. He looked sick and felt ugly, especially standing so close to Heero. If his friend turned around, would he see how ugly he was, too? He wanted to hide his body, but his eyes were fixed on his reflection. In his darkest moments in that room when he had submerged himself in fantasy just to stay sane, he had imagined that Heero had liked him in that way. It had been a wonderful illusion, but that didn’t mean that it was real. Even if Heero could, somehow, like another boy Duo was very sure that he would never fall for him. In that moment, he hated his body more than he ever had before. It had betrayed him so many times in the past and it was doing so again. He was ugly and weak, so why was he finally healing now hat he wanted to stay by Heero’s side?  
          Heero knew that something was wrong when everything was silent for several minutes, but didn’t have the courage to turn around until he was absolutely certain that Duo wanted him to. He knew that he hadn’t fallen down because he could sense him only a foot from him, but he didn’t seem to be moving. Still, Heero was patient and waited. Suddenly, he heard glass shatter and fall on the floor in such an explosion of noise in the silence of the bathroom that his heart actually lurched in his chest. Privacy and humiliation be damned, Heero turned sharply. Duo was just standing there, wearing only a pair of gray, cotton boxers amongst the fallen shards of glass, staring at the place where the mirror had once been, his right hand bleeding from small cuts, some open, some with glass still imbedded in the skin.  
          Heero was at Duo’s side in a second, but to him, it felt like he was moving sluggishly. Duo started to kneel down to pick up one of the glass shards and Heero grabbed his arm, the only place he dared to touch in his state of undress, and pulled him back up.  
          “Leave it be!” he snapped. Duo struggled against him, but Heero held him still.   
          “Damn it, Duo, you’re going to hurt yourself!”   
          “Maybe I _want_ to hurt myself!” Duo snarled, still trying to free himself.   
          “How can you say that?” Heero hissed, the pain in his voice made Duo stop, thinking that he had stepped on some of the glass, but when he looked, he saw that Heero was thankfully wearing shoes. He felt his anger start to wane into bitterness.  
          “It’s not fair,” he murmured.  
          ‘Every time I get some good, it just gets taken away from me, my own body betrays me over and over again, and now Heero’s going to be leaving me,’ he thought, but couldn’t voice the thoughts.  
          “I’m never going to heal, am I?” he asked.  
          ‘My mind, heart, soul, whatever you want to call it, is never going to heal. I’m broken and now I’m going to lose the only good thing that’s ever happened to me.’  
          Heero expression turned from frustration to confusion. One minute, Duo was happy about getting a shower, the next he was trying to hurt himself, saying that he was never going to heal. Heero knew that it had nothing to do with his body’s progress. He sighed. Duo’s gown was still bunched up in his other hand.  
          “Come on get dressed. We’ll get a nurse for your hand and have someone clean this up.”  
          Duo slipped on the gown and allowed Heero’s patient hands to guide him safely around the glass. He had scared him again and he wasn’t quite sure how to explain his actions besides telling the truth. He wanted to tell Heero that it didn’t’ matter. He could be as patient and caring as he wanted, but he still wasn’t going to be whole ever again. He was sure of it. Losing Heero had broken him once, but a second time?  
   
          The nurse they found wandering the hallways took care of Duo’s hand, which wasn’t as cut up as Heero had originally thought, tsking at Duo’s carelessness. Heero had told her that he had overestimated his strength and fallen. When he had tried to grab the counter, he smashed his hand against it. It sounded like a stupid story to both of their ears, but the nurse bought it. His mother’s words about people rather believing good lies than the bad truth came to him. The only reason why he had decided to lie to her was because he was sure that Stark would want to keep Duo in the hospital if he thought that Duo was intentionally trying to harm himself. He felt angry that Duo had cut up his hand, but understood that there was a good reason for the act, he just had to seek it out. Besides, when Stark found out that Duo had ‘fallen’ when he had specifically warned them of that, he would do enough yelling for both of them.   
   
          The second that Duo settled back into his much-hated hospital bed, he turned his face away from Heero, unable to meet his piercing stare.  
          “What is wrong with you,” Heero said sternly, unwilling to let him off the hook.   
          “It’s not what you think,” Duo muttered.  
          “Then what _is_ it?” Heero insisted, keeping his voice soft and patient as he sat on the edge of the bed. Duo looked at him, realizing that the storm he was expecting wasn’t going to happen.  
          “I didn’t try to hurt myself. When I bent down, I was just trying to clean it up. I know that it’s stupid, but it was just a reflex.”  
          “Alright,” Heero said, feeling a little bit better knowing that Duo hadn’t tried to cut himself, “but why did you break the mirror?”  
          “I was just anxious and frustrated, it wasn’t exactly a conscious decision.”  
          “What were you anxious about?” Heero questioned. Duo sighed mentally. He was sick of voicing his worries, but this was something he had to say.   
          “Heero, as soon as I leave this hospital, I’m _gone_. I don’t have a family and I don’t have as much as a dollar. Everything I own is at the apartment. I’m fifteen, so it’s either the streets again or an orphanage that’ll just waste resources on me. There’s no way in hell I’m going back to prostitution, so I have to find _some_ way of getting money, but do you honestly think we can keep seeing each other in that situation?”   
          Heero’s face became pained and he frowned. Duo felt bad, realizing that Heero hadn’t even thought of that.   
          “Duo,” he said in a sad, soft voice, “you’re going home with mom and I. You’re staying with us, you’re not going anywhere. I thought you knew that,” the pain in Heero’s eyes was intense and he had to look away. He smiled bitterly. Heero had actually believed he was going home with him this entire time?  
          “Does your mother know that?” he asked.  
          Heero paused. Truthfully, he realized, they had never discussed what would happen to Duo when he was discharged. Heero had assumed that it was obvious that he was coming home with them, but he realized that his mother had never said that that was what was going to happen. That Duo had assumed that he would just let him disappear into the night after finally finding him again, hurt.  
          “No, we haven’t talked about it,” Heero admitted “but I’m not going to let you disappear on me again!”   
          Duo felt a pang of guilt. He hadn’t really thought about what the future would mean for Heero. He had thought that he would just move on without him but he knew that he, personally, would never be able to move on and he finally realized that Heero was hurting with the thought that he was going to lose a friend.  
          “Your mother’s been so kind to me,” he said softly, “she worked so hard trying to find me and now she’s paying for all of my hospital bills. She didn’t have to do any of that stuff. Even if it wasn’t a lot of money for you guys, she still went out of her way for a stranger. I can’t expect her to keep shelling out generosity. I have no way to compensate her for anything that she’s done for me and ‘m sure that she wouldn’t want some… moocher living in her house and eating her food!”  
          Heero sighed.  
          “You’re not a stranger Duo. She likes you and after everything that’s happened to you, she wants to help, not for charity of pity, because she knows you’re a good person and she cares very deeply about what happens to you. She doesn’t expect you to pay her back, she knows that you can’t and she doesn’t want you to. Knowing my mother, she’d consider it an insult to her character if you tried,” he smiled, “and even if she doesn’t want you living with us, she wouldn’t leave you high and dry like that.” With every word that he spoke, Heero became more and more confident. He knew for sure that his mother would do whatever she could to get him back on his feet. The thought of Duo living with them indefinitely made his heart pound with a mix of excitement and desire. To be able to see Duo every day, to share his life with him, to never have to just sit by and watch as he disappeared again, that would be a wonderful thing, wouldn’t it?  
          Duo wasn’t as convinced as Heero was. It was true that Name was a very kind woman and had gone out of her way for him, but everyone had their limits. Mostly, he couldn’t imagine a nobody like him living at that house with Heero and his mother. That fell under ‘dream come true’, but after all the bad things that had happened, he couldn’t believe in his dreams anymore, couldn’t bear to think of the future. He would never be that lucky. He had loved too long watching his dreams die to believe in them anymore.   
   
   
          “I thought I told you to keep an eye on him” Stark snapped at Heero as he checked over Duo’s wounded hand. Heero had enough sense to look ashamed.   
          “I knew I never should have let you have your way. A shower could have waited another day. Damn kids,” the doctor grumbled, “you think you know everything, don’t you”  
          Heero bristled at the comment but Duo defended him.  
          “It’s my own fault I got hurt, not Heero’s. He didn’t know anything was wrong and when he did, he made sure that I didn’t hurt myself further, duo pointed out. Stark seemed to grudgingly accept his words, because he didn’t say anything further as he bandaged Duo’s hand.  
          “It doesn’t look like there’s been anything but superficial damage. You were lucky, just keep it clean and it should heal quickly. Now I want to talk to you about your discharge.”  
          Duo and Heero became solemn as the doctor handed Duo three slips of paper.  
          “Your body is healing remarkably well considering the trauma that it went through. However, there will be permanent damage.”  
          Heero frowned, hundreds of terrible scenarios flashing through is mind. Duo looked at the papers in confusion. He couldn’t understand anything that the doctor had written down.  
          “Those are scripts for the medications you will have to take as soon as you leave here. The first is an all purpose vitamin to stabilize your anemia and malnutrition. It should also help a little for your weak immune system. The second is a slightly weaker dose of the medication you are taking now to help with the withdrawal. The third medication will do what you spleen was doing before we removed it. You will have to take one pill a day of the first and third medication for the rest of your life. Without the chemicals from the medication or your spleen, you will get very sick and probably die. Do you understand?”   
          Duo nodded frantically, handing the scripts to Heero for safe keeping since he didn’t rust himself with them. He had never considered the possibility that he would have to buy medication just to _live_. He had thought that once he was well enough to leave the hospital, he would be fine. How was he supposed to afford medication? The vitamins and withdrawal aid he could do without, he decided, but the stabilizer sounded like serious business and was probably expensive.  
          “I know you’re feeling much better,” Stark continued, “but you still have a bit of work left gaining back your strength and stamina. Even though I’m releasing you the day after tomorrow, I don’t want you to go back to school for at least another week.”  
          “Ok, that shouldn’t be a problem,” Duo said with an odd look in his eye. He waited patiently for the doctor to leave before he released the little dark chuckle he had been holding in.   
          “What is it?” Heero asked, not finding any humor in anything that Stark had said.   
          “It won’t be a problem because I’m never going back to school” Duo explained matter-of-factly.  
          “Duo, I told you, I’m not going to let you become homeless!” Heero insisted. Duo sighed.  
          “Even if I was living with you, which is not going to happen, I _still_ can’t go back to school. Don’t you remember? I missed too many classes at the beginning of the year and Khushrenada told me that if I missed anymore, he would have to expel me,” Duo pointed out, “besides, I think over a month’s absence is something that he won’t be able to ignore.”  
          “But I’m sure that Treize will be able to pull a few strings for you!” Heero shot back, “you’re a good student and he likes you. When he finds out what happened to you, I’m positive he’ll let you come back.”  
          “I don’t want _anyone_ to know what happened!” Duo snapped, “The only reason why I told you and Name is because I was drugged out of my mind at the time and I trust you two!”   
          “Duo,” Heero said in a soft voice, “what are you so worried about? No one’s going to judge you for what happened. You were _raped_ , no one could hate you for that.”  
          Duo shook his head. It overwhelmed him how naive Heero was sometimes.   
          “You don’t know people like I do. I don’t want anyone knowing, it’s embarrassing. Why are you fighting this so hard anyway? What difference does it make if I go to school or not? It doesn’t matter,” duo said bitterly. Heero ran a hand through his hair in frustration  
          “Is it so wrong that I want the best for you? After everything that’s happened, I want you to be happy and have the lift that you deserve, not just because you were hurt, but because you’re a good person and you do deserve the best! If I have to fight the whole world for that to happen, then I will! Why do you give up so easily?!” Heero demanded. Duo looked away, unable to meet his blazing stare.  
          “I gave up on anything better a very long time ago, Heero,” he murmured, “School is just one of those things.”    
          The two of them lapsed into a mutual, frustrated silence, unable to find the words to console the other.  
   
          The next morning found Duo anxious enough that he actually felt sick. With the news that Duo was definitely going to be released the following morning, due to Stark’s pleasure at how well Duo was progressing, Name was taking the day off to be with them. Duo knew that Heero was going to talk to his mother about him coming home with them and he felt like his guilt over so many things was going to disembowel him. He had taken Heero away from school, friends, and his family simply because he was too weak to stand on his own. Name, a woman who had no investment in his well being at all, was going out of her way to see that all of his needs were met. He had caused the both of them a lot of stress and worry since running away and he knew that he could never pay them back for their kindness. Still, despite all of these guilts, the mere option of moving in with Hero, no matter how impossible, made his heart pound. If there had been no strings attached, he would have picked that in a heart beat. But, he couldn’t ask Name to support him like that. He was just Heero’s friend, not her own child, and he would be taking a lot from them, unable to give anything back. It wouldn’t be fair to them and his sense of independence wouldn’t allow him to ask of the one thing that he really wanted.  
          Heero was just as anxious as Duo about his mother’s arrival. He was sure that she would assuage Duo’s fears about what would be happening to him tomorrow, but he was willing to fight her if that wasn’t the case. Duo was going home with him. He had decided that last night while Duo had tossed and turned, unable to sleep, no doubt because of anxiety over his release. He didn’t care what it took, it was going to happen. If there was one thing he could be, it was being stubborn to the point of bull headedness. He had never wanted anything as much as this in his entire life. Well, besides the very strong urge to kiss his longhaired best friend, but the two desires were connected.  
          Name arrived in a casual pair of white jeans and a classy, long sleeved blue shirt with two boxes of pizza balanced in one hand and daffodils in the other. Heero thought that she must have bribed the staff to let her bring the food in, but it was equally as likely that she had just waltzed in with I and no one had dared to stop her. She smiled brightly at Duo as she entered.  
          “Good morning both of you,” she said happily, “are we excited about getting out of here?” she asked Duo. He nodded.  
          “It’s about damn time,” Heero growled, making Duo smile and Name smirk.   
          “Patience is a virtue, Heero,” she teased. He glared at her. Name caught Duo sniffing at the intoxicatingly hot pizza boxes and her smile grew. After seventeen years, she knew how to get to teenage boys.   
          “I thought that we should have a celebration, since this is your last day in this dismal place,” Name explained, “and the least I can do is let your last meal here be a pleasant one,” she hid her sadness at how interested he was at the hot pizza and turned to switch flowers.   
          “Mom, Duo wants to know where he’s going after this,” Heero suddenly blurted out, making Duo flinch.  
          “And where do you think you’re going?” she asked as she threw out the old flowers and refilled the vase with clean water.  
          “Well, I didn’t want to assume anything, I mean, I’m really grateful for everything you and Heero have done for me, but realistically, I know it would be a huge hassle to take care of me and I can’t really pay rent or anything-,”   
          “He thinks we’re going to let him go back to the streets,” Heero said in a short, tense voice.  
          “Don’t be silly,” Name scoffed, turning to look at Duo, “of course you’re going home with us, honey! I thought that that was obvious. It would be cruel and irresponsible for me to take away a stable environment from you now that you finally have a second chance at life away from that pig of a man.”  
          “But,” Duo stammered, “you don’t have to do that! I wouldn’t feel right about it, taking from you like that when I can’t give anything back!”   
          Name brushed his long bangs out of his face and gave him a tender look that was so _motherly_ that he wanted to cry.  
          “No matter what you take from me, I would consider it yours. I would feel worse making you go off on your own that let you be healthy and finally have a loving home. I do have to do this, because I certainly wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing such a good person was suffering alone because of my actions. If you really want to pay me back, you can do something with these new opportunities, or, more short term, you can help me around the house. Either way, even if I have to hunt you down and drag you to the house, you will come back with us,” she said forcefully, in a tone that Duo didn’t dare argue with. He nodded.   
          “Thank you,” he murmured. Hope and relief filled him and he felt like he was choking on them, making further words impossible for him. He felt something tight and heavy release deep inside of him and tears threatened his vision.   
          “Thank you,” he repeated, “I can’t say that enough, but thank you.”  
          Name smiled kindly and patted his shoulder.  
          Heero watched his friend’s struggle with his emotions and felt his own struggle trying to match it. As much as he had told himself that, no matter what, his mother’s opinion didn’t matter and Duo was coming home with him, he had still felt anxious about it. But, now his desire was pure fact. He wanted to cry out in joy. Duo was going to be living in the same house as him! But, he contained it for the sake of his pride, though he was unable to stop his grin.  
          “Now, then, both of you eat,” Name ordered.  
          Heero opened the pizza boxes, handing Duo a slice and watching as his friend ate slowly, but happily. His mind whirled with thoughts. Never again would he have to worry about Duo leaving after a weekend. Never again would he have to be afraid and wonder about Duo’s welfare while he was warm and safe in his bed. The three of them lapsed into silence as they ate.  
   
          The next morning found Duo standing in the bathroom wearing a pair of jeans and grey sweater, staring at himself in the mirror. He could hardly recognize himself wearing such things. They made him look… classy, but they were also casual and didn’t make him feel out of place. It was strange how a little thing like clothes made him feel human again and less like a piece of rotting meat. He looked so neat, composed, and clean; it was a little bit odd to him. He looked down to his thin wrist. His medical bracelet was there, white with ‘Maxwell, Duo,’ typed in neat block letters across it All the forms had been filled out and Name and Heero were waiting for him. All he had had to do was get dressed rip off the bracelet, and go _home_. What a strange phrase that was! Home… not even an apartment, but an actual house. A familiar place that was _his_. Some place safe and warm where no one would hurt him… his dream home… Heero would be there and Name and Trowa and Quatre… if he thought about that long enough, he would start to cry again, and he had done enough of that last night when he had hoped that Heero was asleep. All he had to do was rip off the stupid piece of paper, walk out the door, and he could go home with Heero and try to find out what true family, true security, true happiness felt like, so why was he just standing here, looking at the bracelet?  
          He was a sentimental person, he knew that much about himself and he knew that, to him, it wasn’t just a medical bracelet.  
          When he had been much younger, living on the streets before he had ever met Wes, he had had a habit of hoarding things. It was one of his earliest memories. He had been four, maybe three, he couldn’t remember. He had been so hungry, lacking the skills and knowledge to adequately survive that he would be forced to learn quickly after that. A man had approached him off the street and, reaching into one of the many grocery gags he had been carrying, had given him a bright red apple. Despite being hungry and desperate, he had kept that apple until it had become moldy and rooted and, finally, had turned to dust, simply because no one had ever been kind to him before. It was the same now. It was just a stupid piece of paper with his name on it, he knew that, but there was so much more attached to it. It was a symbol of his weakness, his frustrated feelings, his pain, it was a reminder of all the bad thing s that had happened and how easily his body had almost been destroyed. He frowned. He could think that, but it wasn’t that simple…  
          He heard the door open and looked back to see Heero enter the bathroom. Heero paused as he took Duo in with his new clothes.   
          “Wow,” he said, amazed, “you look really good,” Heero’s heart pounded at the sight of him.  
          Duo blushed deeply, not used to compliments.  
          “How long have you been standing here?” Heero asked nervously, remembering what happened last time. Duo shrugged.   
          “I was just thinking, wondering if I should throw this out or not,” he explained, gesturing to his wrist, holding it up. Heero looked at the bracelet and back to Duo.  
          “Have you decided yet?”   
          Duo nodded.   
          “I think I’ll keep it as a reminder that… that there are people who care about me,” Duo looked away in embarrassment, “if it weren’t for you and your mother, I’d be dead. That’s a fact. So, I want to keep this, so if I ever have any doubts, I can remember how much you guys love me.”  
          Heero smiled and put a hand on his shoulder, making Duo look up at him again.  
          “If you’re going to keep it to remind yourself that we love you, also keep it to remind yourself that you have the strength to survive. I may have brought you here and Mom may have paid for you treatment, but it’s because of your own strength that you’re standing here right now.”   
          Duo nodded, taking off the bracelet, folding it, and putting it in his pocket.  
          “Come on,” Heero said, “Mom’s waiting for us. Let’s go home.”  
   
   
          Duo’s heart pounded as Name escorted them to her car, a sleek, black car that gleamed under the bright sun. It was a beautiful day, though it was a bit chilly, several layers of glistening snow on the ground. Duo blinked dumbly in the light, his eyes watering as they tried to adjust to the sudden burst of color and light in comparison to the stark white it was used to after a week in the bland and sterile hospital. The soft sounds of singing birds were a welcome in comparison to the sharp sounds of a heart monitor. The crisp air was thick with the sweet smell of pine Duo shivered a little in the cold, but was glad for the sensation. He got into the back seat with Heero and curled up against the window. He was going home to that wonderful, white house with its wide lawn and clean windows. He had a home. It had a roof and carpets and even a garage! He was going to lie in the place that he had retreated to in his darkest moments. He was going to live with people who liked him and had no desire to fuck him. His heart beat wildly in his chest. He was going to go live with the most powerful person on the planet and the boy that he loved…  
          On the ride, Name and Heero kept silent, realizing how overwhelmed Duo was at all of the changes he was about to go through, but Heero kept an eye on him in case he started to hyperventilate. Duo’s heart was going a mile a minute as they drove past houses that were a little bit familiar to him. He pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the window and felt himself want to shake, but he tightened his muscles and bore it. What the hell was wrong with him? Why did he feel so transparent and paper thin? The idea of living in a house like a normal person was daunting at the very least, but mostly, he hadn’t been normal a day in his life and he felt lost. He didn’t know how to act in these situations or what would be expected of him. In that moment, he yearned for the familiarity of his old life. It was fleeting, but strong. It would be nice to have something familiar to retreat to, but he had nothing. He felt like jumping out of his skin, it was disconcerting and he knew that he should feel happy about this change and he _was_ , but he still felt the overwhelming sensation of alienation. He curled tighter into his little ball and concentrated solely on his breathing. He wanted his cats. He wanted to hug them, play with them, feel their fur and warmth and affection. He wondered how they were doing, if they were all still alive. Toby could take care of himself, he had been taking care of Shiva and Sammy since they were babies and wasn’t sure if they knew how to survive on their won as well as the adult cats. Then there were Patches and her unborn kittens… and what about Shi and Solo and Hi? Were they doing ok? They were probably pretty worried about him. They probably thought that he was dead, that’s what he would think.   
          Name pulled the car into the garage and opened Duo’s door for him, but made sure not to crowd him, wanting him to take his time and feel comfortable. She felt like she was herding a sounded deer, every step had to be carefully thought out or he could bolt. He didn’t have any bags, just his medication. The clothes he had had were gone. They had been soaked in blood and the surgeon had had to cut them in order to operate. Heero felt like he had before when he had been helping Duo to walk. He kept his hand next to Duo’s as they walked into the house, just in case he needed something to hold on to.  
          Duo took his first steps into the house with his eyes wide open. It seemed like, no matter how much he took in, it still wasn’t enough There was a green rug when first entered that had the woven, clover leaves on it, the table with pictures of Heero and his parents when he was little, the cream and white colored walls that had various beautiful paintings on them and the large, glistening windows that look outside to the perfect yard. As he looked around in the hallway, he was amazed to find that almost noting had changed since he had last been here. The biggest change was the flower vase with red roses on the hallway table. He didn’t remember much from the night he had broken in, only tones of muted gray and terrible pain, so when he looked at the floor, though he knew that it was silly, he expected to see puddles of blood and water there. He suddenly realized that Name had had to go home to it and had cleaned up his bloody mess all over the floor, stairs, and especially in Heero’s room where he had lain down to die. A wave of dizziness hit him and his steps faltered, but Heero grabbed his arm and righted him  
          “I don’t remember,” he said shakily, “it’s so hard, I barely remember that night, it’s so fuzzy. It hurt so much, I was so sure I was going to die. All I could do was come back here. This place… it’s the only place I’ve ever felt safe, I’ve ever considered a home… but it’s the same, nothing’s change…” Duo lapsed into silence. His head felt like it was tearing in two. This house was so big and opulent, it felt wonderful just being here, but he also felt out of place and disgusting among the cream colored walls and paintings.  
          “Come on,” Heero said in a gentle voice, leading Duo to the stars, “you’ll feel better if you lie down.”  
          Duo nodded. He knew that Stark had told him to relax and take it easy since it would be awhile for him to get his strength back, but he hated being weak. As they got to the top of the stairs, Duo stared at a painting of a red barn that was there. Heero stopped with him, confused as Duo simply stared at it for several minutes. Name watched the two of them from behind Heero, but didn’t say anything.  
          “Is that a new painting?” Duo asked finally.  
          “No,” Heero said, still confused, “it’s been here since we unpacked it when we moved in.”  
          Duo’s eyes stayed fixed on the painting.  
          “I don’t remember it,” he murmured, feeling panic start to boil in his stomach.  
          “Duo, we have a lot of paintings, you probably just didn’t notice it before,” Heero tried to assume him. Duo shook his head.  
          “No, it’s my memory…”  
   
          _“Have you ever experienced memory loss?”_   
   
          “When I was shot up with KL6 and locked in that dark room with men raping me day and night, I came back here in my mind, it was my safe place... I remembered every little detail of this place, I _had_ to, to keep my mind intact. I remember _every single_ painting, all of them, except for this one…” Duo struggled to remember, digging deeper and deeper into his mind for any memory of the picture, but a sharp pain in his head made him stop.   
          “Duo?” Heero asked worriedly. Duo grabbed his arm.  
          “I… I think I do need to take a nap,” he said and continued down the hall. He immediately went for Heero’s room, but Heero steered him one more room down, to one of the guest rooms. Name bit her lip at Duo’s words, the reminder of the horrors he had gone through while they had been frantically looking for him and the lost look in his eyes as he was led away from Heero’s room.  
          “Heero, where am I going?” Duo asked. The room wasn’t quite as daunting as Heero’s, but it was still much bigger than his tiny room in the apartment. He remembered this room from his tour the first day he had come over, but someone had done quite a bit of remodeling. The walls had been cream and the room had been completely barren except for the linen less bed the last time he had seen it. The walls were now painted a beautiful, earthy green and the bed was made with downy-looking sheets that were navy with silver stars. There was an adjoining bathroom of his own that was decorated with sea shells and fish wall paper. The biggest difference was the TV in the corner with various game systems and a book shelf that was completely filled with book and DVD cases. He stood froze at the threshold a he slowly came to the realization that this room had been decorated for him.  
          “I thought that it made more sense for you to have room of your own,” Name said from behind him, “after all, you can’t live in Heero’s room forever.”  
          Her comment made Heero snort, his and Name’s eyes glued to Duo, trying to read his reaction to the room.  
          “When?” he said in a voice so small that they almost missed it Name smiled.  
          “When I started to look for you and I realized that there was something very wrong about your father, I thought that you might need some place to stay. When I left the hospital the first night you were admitted, I bought the paint wallpaper, and games. I thought it would make you feel more at home.”  
          Duo felt tears start to escape his iron-clad control. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he so… airy today? Name had known, all that time, she had had the _intention_ to have him stay… there had been no doubt in her mind and there had been so may in his. This room was going to be his? Just his? A safe place, a sanctuary where no one could just burst in and hurt him. Not only that, but Name had gone through so much just to make him comfortable. Still, he would miss sleeping next to Heero. It had been so comforting, knowing that there was someone who cared about him only a few feet away.  
          “There are clothes in the closet and drawers,” Name informed him, “they might be a little big on you, though, but I thought that bigger clothes might be better once you start to gain some weight.”   
          Duo blinked. He had clothes. _Big_ clothes, not skin tight or revealing. Everything in this room was his, even the television. He turned, walked past Heero, and hugged his mother.  
          “Thank you,” he said breathlessly, “no one’s ever been this kind to me before.”  
          Name rubbed her cheek against his hair, letting a few overwhelmed tears escape, and hugged him tightly.  
          “You don’t have to thank me for this. Just be happy, ok, Duo?”  
          He nodded.  
          “I am,” he murmured.  
          “You should take a nap,” she said releasing him, feeling a little bit embarrassed about her emotion, but Duo’s desperate need for affection soothed it over.  
          Duo felt weary and hollow and retreated to the bathroom with a pair of pajama t-shirt and boxers that he dug out of one of the drawers. He took a look around the bathroom ad felt warm. He liked it in here, though he didn’t know if it was because of the sweet smelling soap, the lock on the door, or the brightly colored fish on the walls. He quickly left the bathroom and slipped into bed. He wasn't used to any normal ritual, so when Name closed the shades with an air of that sort of ritual, he felt odd, good, but odd, as though he should have done it himself. The bed was achingly soft and comfortable in comparison to all the other beds he had slept and fucked in and he barely had enough time to snuggle into the pillows before sleep started to hit him like a rainfall of bricks. With a gentle smile on her face, Name pulled up the covers.   
          “Night, sweetie. I’ll wake you for dinner, ok?”  
          Duo nodded, meeting Heero’s eyes.   
          “Thank you,” he repeated, his tired eyes slipping shut.  
          “Good night, Duo," Heero murmured and left the room as silently as he could.   
   
          Heero briefly looked back as he closed the door, a bit worried at Duo’s shell shocked behavior.  
          “Heero, he’ll be fine,, he just needs time to adjust to everything,” Name assured him.  
          “He was doing so much better yesterday, but now he’s so tired again.”  
          His mother sighed.   
          “He just went through a huge change of scenery, Heero. He just got released from the hospital, he needs a little time to regain his footing.”  
          Heero ran a hand through his hair.  
          “I know that, I’m just… worried. It’s all too much too fast for him and that thing with the painting… this isn’t the first time that he’s forgotten something.”  
          “Well, with how much that man beat him, I’m not surprised he’s having memory problems, Heero, but it doesn’t seem to happen all that often,” she pointed out. Heero nodded and she gave him a piercing look.  
          “Don’t you have homework?”  
          “Mom!” Heero whined.   
          “You’re going to school tomorrow, Heero, that’s final. Duo’s not going anywhere.”   
          “Fine,” he grumbled, but quietly walked to his room.  
   
          Heero finished his homework before dinner and woke Duo up. It was just a simple meal of grilled salmon, onion soup, and rice pilaf since Duo’s doctor had advised against rich food at first. Duo was still tired and out of it and he was so glad just to be eating real food and not microwave pre-prepared hospital food that he ate everything in front of him before slinking back to bed like a cat.  
          It wasn’t what Heero had thought, the first night of having Duo with them. He realized that Duo’s progress in the hospital had made him think that his friend was all better, but he knew now that that was far from the truth. Duo could walk without a limp, but he was emotionally unstable, which, in Heero’s view, he had every right to be at this point in his life, and his stamina was almost nonexistent. He was glad to have him here and safe, regardless of his mental and physical health and he supposed that it was a good sign that he was sleeping so deeply. He’d rather have him sleep a lot than not a t all. With a sigh, he went to his room. After an entire week spending almost every second by Duo’s side, it felt weird and wrong to be away from him. He had the strong desire to sit by Duos bedside and watch him sleep, but didn’t want to risk waking him over something so small. He had gone through a lot of emotional shock today and needed to rest. He realized that tomorrow would be his first day back at school in a week. He hadn’t even touched his car since the night he had picked Duo up. His mother had brought it hoe, but it was his car and his responsibility, so he would probably have to check the tank before he took it tomorrow and make sure his negligence hadn’t created any problems. If he got everything ready for school tonight, he could spend more time with Duo tomorrow morning. He wanted to let him sleep, but knew that Duo would want to say goodbye when he left for school. He was unsure about leaving him all alone in the house tomorrow, but knew that his mother was right, he had to go back to school at some point and Duo was safer at the house than any other place on the planet. With how tired he was, he would probably just nap most of the ay and he had things to keep himself occupied. Being alone in the house would give him the space to feel comfortable and get used to his new home. If there was a problem, he could always call his mother. Of course, this was Duo he was talking about and he would probably hesitate before asking anyone for help. He shook his head and shoved his books into his bag. Duo would be fine. Though he was still recovering, he could take care of himself, as much as Heero would miss taking care of him, he was glad for that.   
  
End Part 4  
  



	13. The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo has a hard time adjusting to life with the Yuy's. While Duo is home alone, Treize pays him a visit.

 The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 6  
Part 5  
   
          The silver Lamborghini was sitting in its spot in the garage, looking forlorn and abandoned. She looked clean and well taken care of, but he still opened the driver’s side door to check the gas.  
          Heero jerked back and stumbled away from the car in disgusted shock. Bile rose in his throat as that night came back in harsh flashes. He wrapped his arms around himself. It was so cold… The blood was still there, a dried puddle on the seat, the windshield splattered with it, and flecks of it on the passenger side window. Heero tore his eyes away from the gruesome scene. He had completely forgotten about the blood. The car had sat in the garage for a week, stained in his best friend’s blood. He had forgotten… his mother had driven this car home and had seen evidence of his failure, of his greatest mistake. Duo had almost died because of him… He shuddered, crawling into the driver’s seat, and, with tentative fingers, touched the blood on the windshield. This was Duo’s blood… he drew his hand away in a flinch. The blood was completely dry, but he could see blood on his fingers. He knew that it wasn’t really there, but he could feel it on his skin, hot and wet. He uselessly wiped his hands on his pants and sat there, staring into space. He felt so lost. He felt sick. Looking at the blood made him feel ill. He should just get rid of it, right? That was the sensible thing to do. But… something was holding him back. The blood was proof of Duo’s existence. Destroying it would be like destroying Duo. A thought like that was stupid, of course, Duo was alive and he didn’t need a silly blood stain to see that, but the feeling was still strong, a strange fear of washing the blood away. It also served a reminder of his colossal screw up, of the fact that he had let his anger almost kill Duo. He rubbed at his eyes and got out of the car to grab some cleaner from under the kitchen sink. This was his car and he would have to use it to drive Duo around. How he felt about the blood stain was pointless. His feelings for Duo’s shadow were nothing compared to his feelings for the real thing.   
   
          Duo awoke feeling like he had slept longer and better than he ever had in his entire life. The house was blissfully quiet in comparison to the apartment which had been sandwiched between a Chinese restaurant and busy street while the Yuy house was on a secluded street closer to the woods than the highway. Name had really thought of everything and there was a decorative orb on the desk that gave off a soft, homey glow, destroying the total darkness. The lamp light from the street had a similar effect, not right enough to keep him awake, but there was enough light to keep him from having a panic attack. The bed was amazingly comfortable and he felt like he could stay there for the rest of the week and be perfectly happy to do so. The room was larger than the hospital room and his room in the apartment, so though he woke up with a heavily sleep-muddled brain and a bit confused as to where he was, he was sure that it was some place different. The events of yesterday came to him rather quickly, though, and he looked around the room. His eyes fell on the TV and bookshelves and he felt a pang of guilt. He didn’t want to think about how much all of this had cost Name. Not as much as his bills cost, probably, but that was different. He had never really owned anything besides his clothes, he had never been able to afford anything and he hadn’t been allowed to watch Wes’ TV. All of his experience with games and movies was from the time he had slept over with Heero. He didn’t feel like he deserved any of it, but would Name be upset if he told her to take it back? And if he didn’t use it, it would be such a waste… he burrowed deep into the covers, almost purring with how cozy he felt. He was still tired and shaky, but not quite so overwhelmed. He was going to be living with Name and Heero for as long as fate allowed and his fractured mind was finally starting to accept that. It was six in the morning and he knew that he should get up since he had done nothing but sleep yesterday, but he felt too comfortable to move without a very good reason. His eyes closed again, but he didn’t fall back to sleep.   
          A few minutes later, he opened his eyes at the sound of someone knocking on the door.  
          “Duo, can I come in?” he heard Heero call.  
          “Yeah!”   
          Heero came into the room, already dressed for school, and smirked as he saw Duo curled up on his side, the covers up to his chin.  
          “Comfy?” he teased. Duo nodded.  
          “This is really my room?” the longhaired boy asked.  
          “Of course,” Heero said and his heart melted as he noticed how cute and kittenish Duo looked, his large violet eyes peaking over the covers at him. The urge to lean over and kiss him was incredibly strong, but its power scared him. He fought against it and managed to just smile at his friend.  
          “I have to go to school in a little while. If you want, mom’s making breakfast, or you can just go back to sleep,” he offered.  
          “I want to eat with you two!” Duo exclaimed and tossed the covers off of him. Heero blushed as he was treated to the sight of Duo’s long, pale legs.  
          “I’ll be by myself today?” Duo asked.  
          “Yeah, just until mom gets back from work and I’ll be home at two-thirty,” Heero assured him. “Are you feeling better?”   
          Duo nodded.  
          “I’m sorry for the way I acted yesterday.”  
          “It’s fine,” Heero said, “you’re entitled to act human from time to time, Duo.”  
          Duo blushed.  
          “You can do whatever you want when we’re gone. This is your home now, too,” Heero reminded him. Duo was shocked into silence. He kept forgetting that he wasn’t just a guest anymore. This was his home and he could go exploring if he wanted. He had expected to just stay in this room while they were gone, and he probably would, but just that he _could_ go anywhere he wanted without having to ask anyone’s permission was really something. Despite himself, a bright smile grew on his face as the truth finally dawned on him. He was a part of Heero’s life now. They would see each other day and night, share meals, and hang out together. He wondered, despite all attempts to stop the thought, what Wes was doing right now and what he would think and do if he knew where he was and what was happening. With Heero so close to him, banishing the thoughts was much easier man he had thought it would be.   
          “I’ll be down in a few minutes,” he told Heero. The blue eyed boy nodded and left him to get dressed. Duo knew that he could get away with going downstairs in his pajamas, especially after being seen in his hospital gown for a week, but it just didn’t feel right to him. He, however, didn’t make his bed as he planned on slipping back into it after Name and Heero had left. He felt a small pang of strange guilt at being so lazy and unproductive. Wes never would have stood for it and he wasn’t used to having such a long stretch of time with no orders and nothing to do. At the same time that it bothered him it was also kind of nice. When he had been living with Wes, which was such an odd thing to think of as past tense, there had always been something he needed to do or he was so exhausted he couldn’t do anything but sleep. He wondered what he was going to do now, what the future would hold. He couldn’t go to school and he didn’t think that Name would approve of him sitting in the house all day. She had told him to make something of his lie, but how was he supposed to do that? Right now, he couldn’t bear to leave the house. There was this odd darkness inside him, a sort of hysteria, and it boiled at the thought of leaving his shell.  
          “Good morning, Duo, are you feeling better?” Name greeted as he stepped in to the kitchen, already fixing a breakfast for Heero and him. He nodded.  
          “Morning, Name. I don’t feel so tired today.”  
          Name smiled at that and handed him a plate filled with bacon, waffles, and strawberries.  
          “I’m glad to hear that. Now, let’s have a nice breakfast before Heero goes to school and I have to go to work. If this is too rich for your stomach, tell me and I’ll make you something else, ok?”   
          Duo blushed, but nodded and sat down next to Heero still not used to the special treatment. Heero and Duo ate in friendly silence as Name made scrambled eggs for herself and sat down with them. Duo’s stomach still wasn’t accustomed to the rich waffles and bacon, but it tasted good and he ate it anyway, drinking three glasses of skin milk like a man dying of thirst. Heero and Name shared a look at Duo’s clear exuberance for the beverage, but didn’t say anything. Name made a mental note to buy more on her way home, they would need it if this was going to be a regular thing.   
          “I should be back around noon,” she told Duo, “and Heero will be back at two-thirty. Are you sure you’ll be ok here all by yourself?”   
          “Yeah,” Duo assured her, “it’s only a few hours and it’s been awhile since I’ve been here. It’ll be nice.”  
          Name and Heero’s worries mostly abated, the three of them finished breakfast. Duo tried to help Name do the dishes, but she threatened to hit him with a broom if he didn’t spend some time with Heero. The two boys went back upstairs to Duo’s room where Heero spent the rest of the half hour he had before he had to leave for school showing Duo how the TV and various game systems worked and they played a racing game for a few minutes, which ended in a tie, each of them winning one round.   
          “Heero, school!” Name yelled from downstairs as Heero and Duo were shutting down the game.  
          “Coming!” he called as he ran to his room to grab his back pack. Duo followed him downstairs, feeling like a puppy trying to follow his master wherever he went, but as much as he was looking forward to the first moments to himself for a very long time, he also really didn’t want Heero to leave, even if it was just for a few hours.   
   
          Duo watched Heero drive off with fear squeezing his heart. After everything, he was scared of losing the only good thing that ha stayed with him. He knew that Heero would be back, but his sudden, abrupt absence scared him. Name put a comforting hand on his shoulder and squeezed lightly.  
          “My cell phone number is on the kitchen table. If you need anything, no matter how small, I want you to call me, ok?”   
          Duo nodded.  
          “I will.”   
          She smiled softly at him and left in her own car. Duo took a deep breath and closed the front door, locking it, something he had never done before, but he was amazed at the level of security it gave him. He glanced at the security system, pondering turning it on. Name said that he could if he wished, but didn’t have to. Still, he felt safer in this house than he had ever been in his entire life and that feeling of ‘safe’ was quickly becoming addicting. He punched in the code and walked away from the door to the hallway. His bare feet felt comfortable on the plush rug and he continued to walk, exploring a little. In the hallway was the laundry room, which was actually quite small and normal looking compared to the rest of the house smelled pleasantly of lavender detergent. He passed by the stairs and the kitchen. The kitchen was quite large, the floor made of smooth slate that felt soft and cool, the counters made of shimmering black quartz with chips of white and silver. There was the tall, silver refrigerator, the white sink, and dark brown, mahogany cabinets and the pantry that was large enough to live in. The kitchen table itself was wood since Name had once told him that she disliked glass table tops since they had to be constantly cleaned. Various house plants had been placed around the house and at the thought of helping to take care of them, he felt a sharp pang of loss towards his own non-human family. He had only spent a couple of weekends here, but he knew this house well, he knew each guest room, the large family room with its huge TV and entertainment center, the red couch and blue armchair that was so comfortable to sit in, it was more like a bed than a chair. He knew that Name’s bedroom was on the first floor and its door would be closed, just like all the other times. He wouldn’t go in there, even if she had told him that he could go anywhere in the house. It seemed wrong to do so, like an invasion. Duo knew that, past all of the guest rooms and the large, opulent dining room that he was too intimidated by to venture into, the hallway would curve and end at the cellar door, a stair case leading down to the basement which was the size of three guest rooms and Duo thought of as a sort of cave, dark, but safe and inviting.   
          Despite his pointless wonderings, Duo ended up in his bedroom after a few minutes. He made a beeline for the bed, slipping back under the covers and snuggling against the pillows. Warmth covered his body and he closed his eyes. He let his stress leave him for a moment, just feeling the softness of the linen and how relaxing it was to simply lay down with nothing that needed to be done and no hurts that needed to be dealt with. He lay still for an hour, opening his eyes lazily at the clock, telling him that it was 7:45. He rolled over on his side and grabbed the remote on the bedside table, turning the TV on. He rearranged the pillows so he could sit up and watch. He flipped through the channels; past talk shows that made him roll his eyes at the utter _fakeness_ of it all and paused on a cartoon. As a child, he had heard of cartoons, but he had never seen one. It was juvenile and obvious and, he thought, pretty mindless at parts, but there was something entertaining in the bright colors and high-pitched voices. He watched the early morning cartoons until nine, then rolled out of bed. In only a coupled of hours, he felt more normal than he had in his entire life. Sleeping in, watching TV, eating a home cooked meal, they were such small, simple things, but until now, he had never indulged in them like that. He stripped off his clothes and retreated to the bathroom to take a shower. He lounged in the hot water for another forty-five minutes, even though there was a small stab of guilt inside of him for using so much water, washing his hair and body thoroughly before stepping out. He combed his hair and braided it, ignoring the sudden impulse to just leave it loose since there was no one around to see him. He hated how unconcerned he felt, walking around naked in a strange room, but he had done it so many times before that it didn’t really bother him like it should. He put the sweat pants and shirt back on and stood in the middle of his room.   
          It was quiet. This room, this house, everything was still and silent. There was no one here but himself and the beating of his own heart, which was now beating faster and faster as he realized just how alone he was.   
   
    _Duo’s eyes stared into darkness. He couldn’t close them, his body was no longer his own. Was he still breathing? He couldn’t tell, how could you know your own heart was breathing? It was so dark, the shadows pressing down on him like a vice. He just wanted to close his eyes and feel his heart beat, just for a minute. The bed dipped and heavy hands spread his legs wide, rearranging his limbs like a child would do with a lifeless doll, Duo’s eyes staring flatly, sightlessly in the dark. The man’s weight pressed down on him, but Duo’s thin body didn’t even flinch as it was roughly penetrated, though inside he was screaming and desperately trying to escape the silence._  
   
          His heart raced and Duo gasped for breath, hyperventilating. It was quiet, just like before, there was no one here, no one to keep the darkness away and soon, the pain would start and he wouldn’t be able to even scream. He stumbled out of the room, his hand feeling blindly at the wall. It was so cold… A hand gripped at his shoulder and he gave out a choked cry, fighting the phantom off. His chest as tight, he couldn’t get enough air into his spasming lungs. He needed shelter… he needed to breathe…  
          His shaky legs brought him to Heero’s room and he became weak, crashing into the floor. He curled up on the floor, his numb fingers grabbing at a discarded night shirt and he clutched it to his chest. In and out… he tried to get more air. There was more of it in here. Heero’s smell… it was strong in here and it filled him with strength. The pressure started to lessen around his heart and sweet air filled his lungs. He burrowed his face into the shirt. He wasn’t alone, right? Heero would come home and then he would see, the shadows wouldn’t come, he just had to get a hold of himself.   
          Minutes passed and Duo finally had enough feeling left in his body to crawl over to Heero’s bed, leaning against it, still holding his shirt. He felt so alone, but being here among Heero’s things made him feel better. A strained laugh filled the room. A couple of hours alone and he was shaking. How the hell was he supposed to survive this way? He had been alone for as long as he could remember, living in alley corners with only the rats to keep him company. He had survived so much, how could a few weeks chained to a bed bring him down so quickly? He wrapped his arms around his knees, Heero’s shirt in his lap. He laughed, unable to stop until it finally dissolved into tears. He was broken, truly broken. After all of this time, his mind had finally snapped. The darkness, the loneliness, the silence… all of that pain… it had broken him so damn quickly… how could he fight against this? Tat was all that he knew, fighting until he could no longer stand, but he didn’t know how anymore, he just couldn’t… he didn’t have the will to fight anymore. The only thing that was keeping the worst of his demons at bay was this house and the security it had always provided, even in his worst moments. As long ash e was here, the shadows wouldn’t come…  
          The sharp sound of the doorbell made Duo’s head shoot up. He looked over at Heero’s clock. 10:36 A.M. Name would be home in little over an hour and he couldn’t think of anyone who would be stopping by. Maybe it was Quatre or Trowa, but that didn’t seem likely. Heero had told him that Quatre had thought the idea of going to school with him and Trowa was exciting. Even if they weren’t at school today with Heero, Name had told them to give Duo his space for a few days. In the meantime, they were staying at a hotel. Duo hated to admit it, but the fewer people crowding him right now, the better. He needed Name and Heero by his side in order to cope, but being coddled by his other two friends would be too overwhelming. In a neighborhood like this, he was sure that it wasn’t some kind of solicitor. The bell rang again and Duo stood to his feet, dropping Heero’s shirt. His heart pounded in excitement at the thought of talking to another human being, but his chest tightened in fear, too. He wasn’t quite sure what desire made him go down the stairs and open the door, his need for human touch or his need to know that he was safe, but he stopped by the kitchen first, grabbing a knife, just in case. There were still only a handful of people he felt he could trust and he didn’t think that his fear of people was ever going to go away. He opened the door and looked up into Treize’s light blue eyes.  
          “Hello, Duo,” the man greeted with a soft smile, “can I come in?”   
   
            
          Duo stared up at his ex-principal in shock. He couldn’t figure out why he was here, especially during school hours. His grip tightened on the knife handle. His first impulse was to slam the door in the man’s face and call Name. He wasn’t supposed to be here! In all of the scenarios he had run in his head, he had never once thought that anyone from school would come looking for him. Treize patiently waited for the shock to leave Duo’s eyes. Duo nodded.  
          “Ok, come in.”  
            
   
          Duo couldn’t help but feel that it wasn’t quite his place to invite Treize into the house, but his remaining respect for the man’s authority led him into the kitchen. Treize sat at ht table, watching Duo as he remained standing and leaned against the kitchen counter, putting down the knife.  
          “Can I get you a coffee or tea, Mr. Khushrenada?” Duo asked, playing the host. He had to remind himself that Treize didn’t know a thing, but when his light blue eyes met his, he felt like the man could see right through him.  
          “No, I’m fine. Sit down, Duo, we need to have a talk,” Treize ordered. Duo paled, realizing the trouble he was in. If Treize reported him to the police, he would be taken away. He sat at the table, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.  
          “How did you know I would be here?” he asked. Despite the fact that they were sitting in the Yuy’s kitchen, Duo felt like they were in Khushrenada’s office and he was about to be scolded. Treize gave a small grin.  
          “Heero may be tight lipped, but you friend, Chang, is not and though he never admitted anything to me, news of where you are staying has traveled fast.”  
          Duo swore internally. He vowed that he was going to punch Wufei in the stomach the next time that he saw him.  
          “Well, you’ve asked a question, so now it’s my turn. Where have you been for a month, Duo? I told you that I would have to expel you if you missed anymore classes and I hope that you had a very good reason for throwing your education away,” Treize said, watching Duo like a hawk with a fish. Duo looked away. Already his mind was working over time, trying to come up with a feasible lie. He thought about telling Treize that he had run away from home and the Yuy’s had taken him in, not the best lie, but it was all he could come up with under Treize’s unrelenting stare. However, it was Heero’s voice that stopped him from saying it.  
   
 _“Is it so wrong that I want the best for you?”_  
   
          With a sigh, Duo rubbed at his eyes. Treize lost his stern look as weariness swept over the youth’s face. He had always been vulnerable to this particular boy’s suffering. He just looked so vulnerable, no human should ever look like that.  
          “I’m really, really sorry, sir,” Duo said solemnly, “but I’ve been lying to you. I know that you’ve been trying to contact my father, but the truth is, you’ll never be able to reach him.”  
          Treize stayed silent, allowing the boy to talk. He realized that, after all of this time, all of this wondering, he was finally going to know what was going on in the Maxwell household and, maybe, he would finally learn what it was about him that bothered him so much.   
          “Everything about me that you think you know is a lie,” Duo admitted, the truth spilling forth like water from a broken faucet, “my address, my phone number, even my father, none of it’s _real_. The person you’re trying to reach is just some guy that picked me off the street when I was seven. Yeah, he’s the closest thing to a father I’ve ever had, but he _isn’t_ my dad. My first memories are of the streets. That’s where I was ‘born’ and where I lived the first half of my life. I don’t remember my parents, my real age or name. I call myself Duo because that was the first thing I could read and say, I just got it off of a discarded scarp of newspaper. I was all alone back then, until I met my ‘guardian’, but his name is Wes, not whatever it says in my file. He took me off the streets and brought me to his home. He said that he would give me food and shelter if I did something for him. I agreed, but it was a lie. He raped me, turned me into a whore. He gave me enough food to keep me from starving, and let me stay in his apartment so I wouldn’t freeze, but it was never free. I let him rape me for years for the scarps that he gave me. And when I was old enough, I begged him to let me go to school. It cost me a lot of pain and humiliation, but he eventually agreed, but he told me that if school ever got in the way, I wouldn’t be going anymore, he would chain me to a bed, keep me drugged, and let men fuck me for the rest of my life. I worked really hard and I got into high school. It was all I had and though I knew that I could never have better in my life, I still _wanted_ an education! It was only when I was too sick and bleeding to stand that I didn’t come to school. There were days that I was in so much pain, I thought I would black out, but I still went! Even being bullied by thugs like Zechs Merquise didn’t deter me from showing up, but I dealt with that. I let him fuck me, too, because I learned that it didn’t really matter anymore,” Duo’s words were heated, almost hysterical and tears dripped down his cheeks, but he didn’t wipe them away, he didn’t want to draw any attention to them, “I thought that I didn’t care about what happened to me or my body, but when I met Heero, that changed He was my first real, normal friend and when he found out about Zechs and me, I ran. And I stayed away because I was too scared to face him. I thought I could handle things, but I couldn’t. I tried to run away from home, but Wes found me. He did what he had always told me he would do, he chained me to his bed shot me up with enough drugs that I couldn’t fight back, and had me raped day after day. I spent two weeks like that until he decided, for some reason, to let me go. Heero found me after that. I was sick, probably dying, but he saved me. I spent the last week in a hospital, thinking that I would end up on the streets as soon as I was better, but out of the goodness of her heart, Mrs. Yuy let me stay here as long as I needed a home. I’ve accepted the fact that I can never go back to school, so I really don’t know what you expect me to do now,” Duo slumped into his chair, finally wiping at his tears. He looked over at Treize, feeling some pleasure at his shocked expression. He was probably the only person to make him look so pale and disturbed. Treize pinched his nose his eyes looking lost and tired.   
          “I’m… very sorry, Duo,” Treize struggled with his words. Somewhere in the town that he loved and had grown up in, was a man who had raped a helpless child and no justice had been brought down on his head. Really, there was no justice for something so… wrong.  
          Duo shrugged.  
          “It’s not your fault and it’s not a huge problem. At least I’m not homeless anymore!” he tried to joke, but it fell flat in the silence and seriousness of the room.  
          “Yes, it is a huge problem,” Treize snapped, “it’s _wrong_. You’re a bright, incredible person and you deserve better! Out of all the students I’ve talked to, you deserve a good education the most, because I know, I’ve always known, that you’ll do great things with it! Have you told the police?” he demanded, rage boiling in him, building into a storm. Duo shook his head.  
          “I’m a minor, so even if Wes got arrested, I’d end up in an orphanage. I don’t want that to happen… I want to stay here with Name and Heero!”   
          Treize nodded.  
          “I understand,” he looked over at Duo who seemed deeply troubled with the thought of being separated from his newfound family. He had the strong urge to hug him and tell him that everything would be all right, even if it was a lie, but he didn’t feel like he had the right.   
          “Do you want to go back to school?” he asked. Duo blinked at him and Treize felt a stab of pain at the hope in his eyes. He was so used to kids thinking that they deserved everything the world had to offer like it was their birth right, but here was someone who thought that they had to fight to the death for every little thing. Any theories he had had about Duo Maxwell was nothing compared to the dark truth. All of those horrible, disgusting things, and they had happened to someone so smart and eager to learn, it made him sick. If there was any student he respected, it was this child.  
          “Yes, I want to go back,” Duo said eagerly. He wanted to go back so badly, but he knew that that was impossible, wasn’t it? Treize stood.  
          “If it was up to me, you would go to school tomorrow. It isn’t fair to punish you further. That it’s the new semester doesn’t help, but your case is a lot different from a simple hooky or even mono. I’ll have to talk to the school board. We’ve never had anything like this before, but it shouldn’t be hard making the rest of them sympathetic. Unless you have qualms about my telling them about what happened to you. We’ll all be bound by privacy agreements and I will only tell them the bare facts, but if you’re uncomfortable with it, I’m sure there’s something else I can do to help you.”  
          Duo felt tears prick his eyes at hearing the lengths that the man was willing to go for him, but he refused to let them fall. It had been hard telling Treize the truth, harder than telling Heero and Name. He didn’t know if that was because he wasn’t drugged this time or that he wasn’t as comfortable around Treize, but it had only been Heero’s concern for his needs that had forced to tell the truth. He wanted to go back to school, but was he willing to have stranger know the truth? In the end, he supposed that he would never see those people and compared to never going back to school, just staying at the house like a fugitive or wounded animal, it was such a small thing.  
          “You can tell them,” Duo said, “I want to go back, so I’m willing to do what I have to for that to happen.”  
          Treize smiled brightly at him.  
          “I wish that half of my students had your attitude.”  
          Duo blushed in embarrassment.  
          “I’ll talk to the school board, then, try to get them to see things my way.”  
          Duo shook his hand.  
          “Thank you, Mr. Khushrenada.”  
          Treize grinned.   
          “There’s no need, Mr. Maxwell, I’m just glad to be able to do my job. I’ll let you know what the answer is by the weekend, I promise. I’ll let you go back to whatever you were doing.”  
          Duo showed the tall man out, his thoughts whirling in his head. Any sense of loneliness or hysteria was temporarily side tracked by the hope and excitement that was starting to bloom inside of him.  
   
          When Name came home at noon, Duo was still in the kitchen, thinking over what had just happened. She smiled as she saw him, glad that nothing had gone wrong enough for him to call her.  
          “Hi, Duo.”  
          He smiled back at her.  
          “How was the meeting?”  
          She sighed dramatically.  
          “Oh, I won’t bore you with the tiresome details of the business world. Suffice to say that it was a right pain in the ass.”  
          Duo choked on his laughter at her dry humor. It was weird hearing her swear, but also pretty amusing.  
          “So, how was _your_ day?” she asked, “Did you have fun?”  
          Duo bit his lip, wondering if he should tell her about Treize’s visit. Would she be mad if he told her that he had let Treize in the house and that he had told him the truth? Name had told him to treat the house like it was his own and it was his truth to tell, but if there were any unspoken boundaries he certainly didn’t want to be stepping over them any time soon.  
          “Well, I didn’t do much, just relaxed and walked around mostly,” he told her.  
          “I’m glad,” she said with a smile, “the more you relax, the quicker your strength will come back to you. Heero will probably want to take you to the movies this weekend if you feel up to it.”  
          At the mention of Heero and the hope of some sort of outing, Duo found his courage.  
          “Mr. Khushrenada came to the house today, just a few hours ago.”  
          Name raised an eyebrow at that fact and Duo felt the temperature drop a few degrees.  
          “Did he now?” she asked coldly. Duo nodded, fear gripping his heart.   
          “He knew that I was here and wanted to know where I’ve been.”  
          “The gall of that man!” Name said in a low hiss, “He had no right to come here and confront you like that! He should have just called me if he had any questions!”   
          Duo stared at her as he realized that she was mad at Treize and not him.  
          “I told him the truth,” he admitted, waiting for Name to explode, but she didn’t. Her eyes just widened and she looked confused.  
          “I’ve been lying to him for years. It just felt like the right thing to do. I thought that there might be a way for me to go back there. I know it’s unlikely, but it was just a chance.”  
          She nodded.  
          “It’s your secret, Duo, and it’s your choice who you tell, not mine,” she said kindly.   
          “Then you’re not mad?” Duo asked, peeking underneath his long bangs. She smiled and ruffled his hair.  
          “Or course not! It takes a lot to make me mad. You didn’t crash a car or set anything on fire, did you?” she teased. Duo shook his head.  
          “I was a good boy,” he said in good humor.  
          “I’m glad. It’s more than Heero can normally say to me when I leave him alone for a few hours.”  
          Shocked laughter escaped from Duo and Name looked at him fondly. It was a nice laugh and it made her sad to know that he didn’t do it often.  
          “He’s really that bad?” he asked, wondering what Heero had been like as a child and the sort of stories that Name could tell about him.  
          “One day when Heero was twelve, I let him alone for only an hour! When I came back, he had taken all of his army men and melted them in the oven to see what global warming would do.”  
          Duo burst into laughter, making Name smirk at their mutual amusement at Heero’s antics.  
          “So, what did Treize say when you told him?”  
          Duo quickly sobered, but kept the image of a young Heero melting his plastic toys in his mother’s oven close to his heart.   
          “He said that he would talk to the school board and see if I can go back to school.”  
          Name’s grin grew.  
          “That’s great news!” she exclaimed.  
          “Yeah, it would be nice to go back to school with Heero, but it’s already a new semester and I’ve missed so much,” Duo said worriedly. Name brushed his concerns off.  
          “I’m sure that you’ll be able to make it up and Treize Khushrenada strikes me as the sort of man who won’t give up easily. If it proves to be a problem, I can always throw my weight around,” she assured him.  
          “Thank you,” he whispered, “you don’t have to try so hard, but thank you.”  
          Name patted his shoulder.  
          “It’s no trouble, Duo. I have the power to help you and you should want to use whatever you can to get what you need _and_ want. Now, I have to go to Boston tomorrow and Heero has to stay late for a science project, so no one will be here until four. Is that ok with you? I can bring you to Boston with me if you like,” she offered. Duo shook his head. There was a pang of worry at the thought of being alone again, and having another panic attack, but he knew that being clingy wasn’t going to solve anything.  
          “It’s fine. I was actually going to ask Heero if I could borrow one of his textbooks. Even if I can’t go back to school, it doesn’t mean I can’t try to educate myself, right?”  
          Duo was pulled into a tight hug.  
          “I am so proud of you,” Name whispered, making Duo blush again, “I just want you to know that.”  
          She let him go, pretending that she hadn’t seen how embarrassed he was at her praise.  
          “Now, what would you like for dinner?”  
   
          Heero was a little bit more upset than his mother when he heard that his principal had paid Duo a visit, but he was just as excited when he heard that Treize would try to do what he could to get Duo back on track. He felt a bit of anger at hearing that Wufei was talking about Duo living with him, but since it had ended with Treize helping Duo out, he decided to let it go. He agreed to lend Duo his biology text book, but felt worried that he would be by himself for s long the next day. It didn’t appear that anything bad had happened today, but Duo was too good at hiding and Heero couldn’t help but be concerned. Physically, Duo seemed more stable than he had been yesterday and the two of them spent their night playing video games and watching TV in Heero’s room and chatting about their days before retiring to their respective rooms. Despite his panic attack, Duo went to sleep feeling happy and content.  
   
   
          Despite his resolve to try to get around his recent mental problems surrounding solitude and darkness, Duo knew that it would be just stupid trying to poke at the bear, so he spent most of the next day in Heero’s room, using his scent to keep the hysteria at bay. Name and Heero had let him sleep in, simply leaving him a note on his door telling him to keep it easy. Duo thought he would start crying as Name had written ‘love, Name’, at the bottom, but barely contained himself. After reading the note, he immediately took a shower and went to Heero’s room. He had snorted, noting how Heero hadn’t made his bed or cleaned his room. He had read the textbook for a few hours, then watched TV and played games. He had tried to watch the early morning news, but found that he had no idea what anyone was talking about in pop news or political news. He had been out of the loop for too long, stuck in his own personal hell, to bother keeping track of the things outside of his pain. He discovered that he rather liked crime dramas, though, and there were quit a few of the on TV. Heero also had a few mystery novels on his book shelves and he managed to get through one of them by the time Name came home. He heard the door open downstairs and realized that he had gotten through the day without a panic attack. It was a small victory as he was not foolish enough to think that he had found a cure, so much as a security blanket that was a reminder of Heero’s presence. He got slowly to his feet, feeling weak and scattered, a headache pounding in his skull, which he all attributed to his still-healing body. Name was in the kitchen, unpacking groceries, and he helped her put things away.  
          “Did you get much done today?” she asked as he gathered some ingredients for pasta for dinner. He nodded.  
          “I read a bit. It was nice. I’ve never gotten to do that except for homework,” he told her. She smiled at him.  
          “Well, I’m glad you’re not bored. Once you get better, you can go outside. Maybe you can get involved with sports or something” she looked at him, suddenly frowning.  
          Duo blinked in confusion as Name brushed his bangs away from his face.   
          “Are you ok?” she asked, “you look a little peaked.”   
          “I have a headache,” Duo said, “but it’s not too bad,” he decided not to mention that he felt weak and shaky as well. He hated making her worry about him and he had felt worse before. He could deal with it with some Tylenol and sleep.   
          “What did you eat today?” Name wondered, “Maybe you just need to have something with some more iron in it. I know that Dr. Stark gave you pills for your anemia, but you did have a lot of blood loss and it’s better to be safe than sorry.”  
          Duo paused, paling further as he went over his day.   
          “I… I didn’t eat anything today,” he admitted. Name gave him a stern look.  
          “Duo, you skipped both breakfast and lunch?! You know that you can’t do that! You’re still malnourished and even if you remember to take your medication, getting three meals a day is very important!” she scolded. Duo looked away sheepishly.   
          “I’m sorry,” he murmured, “I’m just so used to not eating, it slipped my mind. I’ve always had to work hard to eat, so I forgot that I could just take something from the kitchen. I’ve been hungry my entire life, even if not eating hurts, it’s normal for me, it’s been that way for as long as I can remember. I’ll try to remember from now on, I promise!” Duo swore, feeling guilty for the sad look on Name’s face.   
          “Oh, Duo,” she murmured, placing a slender hand on his arm, she managed to smile at him, “You know, I didn’t just go up to Boston to go to a meeting.”  
          Duo gave her a confused look.  
          “I spent most of the day signing papers and filing documents to make sure that, even if I die, you’ll be well taken care of,” she told him. Duo stared at her with wide eyes, his chest tightening painfully.  
          “W-what?” he stammered, unable to process her words, “Why?”   
          For the life of him, Duo couldn’t figure out why Name would do that for him. He was just her son’s friend, but she had taken him in and now she had gone a step further. He didn’t deserve that, couldn’t she see that? Name caressed his cheek with her knuckles, surprising him with the tenderness in her eyes. His heart pounded with need for affection from her. He had never been treated this way by any woman, as much as he had always yearned for it. There had only been one other woman in his life that had ever been kind to him, but not like this…   
          “Duo, for all of my money and prestige, all of the charity that I’ve done, I’ll be glad if this company can do one act of true good. You’re the one person that deserves this because you’ve never expected any good in your life. Everyone deserves at least one chance to do what they can to make something out of themselves. What they do with that chance is up to them, but we all do deserve that chance. I’m just doing my responsibility to give that chance to you. It’s more important than money or power, it’s my company’s responsibility to help people like you who want to prove themselves, but can’t. I’d die happily knowing that you will never want for anything again. You’re a good person, you’ve proven that to me time and time again.”  
          Duo felt tears running down his cheeks and he shook a little with the thought of Name dying. She was the only ‘mother’ he had ever known. She was gentle and kind and she didn’t have to be. That she thought that he was just as kind meant a lot to him. Very few people cared enough to help a stranger, especially when it meant that they would get nothing in return. What would he do without her? If she died… his heart would break. She wasn’t his mother, but there was something deep down inside of him that wanted her to be. It had only been two months, but in the time that they had known each other, he had come to love her as the only adult that truly gave a damn what happened to him.   
          Name saw the intense storm of emotions in Duo’s eyes and the tears he was shedding and hugged him tightly.  
          “It’s ok,” she murmured, letting her own tears fall, “I’m going to take care of you, I’ll take care of everything, I promise.”  
          Duo hugged her back and she could feel the desperateness in his embrace. She stroked his hair.  
          “I’m not going to leave you alone, not now, not ever.”  
   
   
          Duo felt much better after dinner and felt even more grateful when Name didn’t tell Heero about their emotional discussion. As Heero went to his room to finish his homework for the night, Duo and Name sat down and talked about what she had done. She told him that she had opened a private bank account for him in case of an emergency and, in the very drastic case of her death, both he and Heero would be under her cousin’s care and said cousin had agreed, simply because Name had asked, though she had refused to give him all of the details out of concern for his privacy. Duo struggled to hide how her efforts were affecting him, but to Name the boy was like an open book and she couldn’t help but smile as he left the family room to see what Heero was doing. She sat back in her chair, immersed in thought. It hadn’t taken a lot of effort to set everything up for Duo. She had had the thought in her head for awhile now, but only recently had given it serious thought. She was healthy and her death prior to Duo or Heero’s twenties was improbable, but the thought of Duo losing the financial security she had given to him when he was admitted to the hospital terrified her. She and Heero had fought so hard to find him and get him well. He was now her responsibility. He had no parents and all he did have was in this house. The second she had signed for his hospital bills, he had become her responsibility and she refused to let him down, even for a second. She realized that this was the first financial decision anyone had ever made for him and couldn’t help but feel good in knowing that, if the worst happened, she wouldn’t have to worry about him losing his footing again.  
   
          Duo felt stronger after getting food in his stomach and his headache went away, but his body was still very weak compared to what it had been before Wes had chained him to the bed. Staying on his back for so long had done damage to his muscles and nutrition, compiled onto the problems he had already been dealing with, it didn’t look likely he would be feeling strong any time soon. His body ached constantly and he tired easily. He knew that a part of it was because of the anemia, which the medication was helping with, but the continuous abuse and neglect had taken a permanent hold on him and he worried if he would ever get his strength back. He leaned against the wall as he stood outside of Heero’s bedroom.   
          He was scared. It wasn’t just because of his body’s weakness, though that was a part of it. He had always considered his body like a rubber band, no matter the damage done to it, sooner or later, he would bounce back, but Stark had told him he would probably never be a hundred percent better, he would have to strive for ninety percent and right now, that was as much as he was hopping for, but it was still disconcerting. He knew that Heero was right, he had never let himself properly heal, always keeping going when he shouldn’t, but he had needed to just to survive. He hoped that now he had the chance to let his body rest, it would heal, but he was so impatient. However, there was something else that was worrying him. He was away from Wes now, with people that loved and cared about him, so why was he thinking about the man so much lately? When he was in the house alone, what Wes was doing and if he was looking for him consumed his thoughts. Even keeping busy didn’t seem to keep the blonde from invading his thoughts. He had been with him for so long, had lived and breathed just on Wes’ say so, that it was so hard with him gone. He had woken last night searching for him on the bed, only to realize that Wes would never be there. He had hurt him so badly, but he had been his whole world, too. It was because of Wes that he had been able to go to school and that he had a roof over his head. Little kids living on the street didn’t last long. Sunshine had proved that to him. Would he had ended up like him, his rotting body in some alley somewhere, if Wes hadn’t come along and taken him from that life? But, the worst question that wouldn’t leave him was if he could even survive without Wes anymore. He had lived so long relying on Wes’ orders, could he really live without him? Now that he wasn’t so concerned about his injuries and where he was going to live, those questions became harder to answer and harder to ignore. What Wes had done to him had broken his mind, had living with him also broken his free will? He shook his head and went to his own room without saying good night to Heero. He was tired, physically and mentally. Lately it seemed that all he wanted to do was sleep his life away, while at the same time, he was terrified of sleep. He had been asleep for two whole weeks in the darkness, he was scared that he would go back there and he wouldn’t wake up this time.  
   
          That night, Duo tossed and turned in his sleep in his comfortable bed, unable to settle. Dark thoughts and twisted dreams kept him from slipping into a deep sleep and he awoke after only a few hours with a start. Something was wrong, he could feel it in his veins. He searched with a blind hand for the warm body that he was used to, looking for Wes’ familiar presence, but nothing was there, just him on the bed. His body yearned for the man’s touch, no matter how painful, it was familiar and he had come to expect it. His large, rough hands on his skin, it was as normal as breathing. He wrapped his arms around himself and curled into a ball. He could understand the withdrawal from drugs, but this physical need for the touch of a man that had raped and degraded him was plain _wrong_. He loved his new found freedom, so why couldn’t he accept it? Wes wasn’t a part of his life anymore and that was a good thing, right, so why couldn’t he just put the past behind him?   
          Feeling tired right down to his heart, he rolled out of bed, wincing at how sore his leg muscles felt and walked downstairs. The light in Heero’s room was off and he was probably already asleep. Duo felt bad that he hadn’t said good night to him, especially now that sleep was being so elusive. He crept to the family room. If he wasn’t going to be able to sleep, he needed something to do and he didn’t want to wake Heero up since he had school tomorrow. He craved human touch, some sort of contact, even if it wasn’t Wes’. Name was still in the family room watching TV and she looked up at him as he entered.  
          “Duo, I thought you went to bed, is there something wrong?” she asked, concerned at the worn expression on his face. Duo’s expression worsened at her concern. Why couldn’t he be normal, why couldn’t her love for him be enough? Why did he have to want someone who he hated? Why did he have to love someone he had wanted to kill for so long?   
          He nodded. Name moved down on the couch and patted the spot beside her. He sat down next to her, feeling odd, but warm when she put her hand on his.  
          “What’s the matter?” she asked softly, “Did you have bad dreams?”  
          He shook his head.  
          “I can’t sleep,” he said, “I can’t stop thinking about Wes.”  
          Name blinked.  
          “You mean what he did to you?”  
          “No… just… him. I wonder if he’s looking for me or if he’s ok.”  
          Name frowned.   
          “He did so much for me. He gave me a place to live and a purpose. It hurt and I hated him for how he hurt me, but I love him, too. I don’t think that I can survive without him. How can I? It’s because of him that I’m here. If it weren’t for him, I never would have met you or Heero. How can I just abandon the man that was the only parent I’ve ever had? I’m nothing without him! What have I accomplished on my own?! I was just a useless street rat, barely alive, until he came along. I can’t do anything without him!”   
          Name shook her head, rage filling her at his words. Wes had hurt him more than Duo realized, making him rely on him and destroying his confidence. She wasn’t a psychologist and she had no idea how much damage the long term abuse had caused Duo, but she immediately hated the man for the pain he was causing him right now. She squeezed his hand.  
          “Duo, it’s not sick. I know that Wes was all you had for a very long time and he was the only source of affection for you, but Wes wasn’t the one who got good grades or learned how to read on his own,” she entwined her fingers with his, “I have faith in you,” she smiled, “I know you can survive on your own because that’s what you were doing all those years that you lived with him. You survived his abuse all this time, without his help, you’re strong, Duo.”  
          Duo smiled back at her, though it was a little weak at first. Name believed in him? He didn’t think that anyone had told him that before. How could he survive a need for a man that had abused him? Still, he knew at some level that she was right. The worst that he had ever been through was because of Wes, but he had survived it all. It had broken him down, but he was still here. He had learned to read and gotten to high school without any help from Wes. Did that mean that he could survive this as well? Even if he couldn’t, he had to try, because for the first time in his life, there were people that wanted him to succeed. That was something that Wes had never given him.   
          In the back of his mind, feeling Name’s warmth next to him, Duo felt a pang of worry for his cats. He was warm and safe and with friends, but all they had was each other and it was getting cold out. He had called himself their friend and caretaker, but he had just left them to fend for themselves! They were his family, the one thing that had kept him going when he was little and he thought that he was going insane, he had to know if they were ok…  
          “You ok to go to sleep?” Name asked. Duo nodded and hugged her. Her smile grew in pleasant surprised.  
          “Thank you, Name,” he murmured. She kissed the top of his head.  
          “Any time, Duo, now go to sleep, ok?”  
          Duo nodded and left for the stairs, feeling just a little bit better. He hoped that it was enough for him to sleep.  
  
End Part 5


	14. The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo gets to go back to school, but finds that school is even harder now that all his teachers know his secret.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 6  
Part 6  
            
   
          _The shadows were moving over his open eyes like living things, forming shapes and things that filled his heart with fear. He could feel him next to him, his clothed leg lightly touching his own bare one. He could feel it at the same time that he couldn’t. He floated through the darkness, but Wes was there with him. He heard a sharp click of the blonde man playing with his lighter the sparks lit up the room briefly. The walls were water stained brown wallpaper and the bedside table held a water glass and syringe. It was time for his next dose, he realized with in shock. He thrashed inside of his mind, a headache starting to rip through his brain. The darkness filled the room again, like a tidal wave covering over the white sand of the beach. The lighter clicked again and Duo’s open, staring eyes could see the hard wood floor, the shadows forming claws and snarling faces before the small space was submerged in darkness once more. The room breathed like a living thing and Duo knew he would never leave its bowels. Large, rough hands rolled his head to the side and there was another click, he could see the mirror on the side and wanted to cry at the sight of his worn, dying body, covered in semen and blood, pale like a ghost, his eyes like a doll’s, but he couldn’t even cry. Wes pressed his forehead against his and Duo almost sobbed in happiness at the soft touch of skin on skin that didn’t have pain attached to it._  
 _“I love you,” the soft words rang through the room, followed by a horrible pain as the needle sunk into the back of his neck._   
   
          Duo woke up screaming, but clamped a hand to his mouth to keep from waking anyone. He panted, his heart pounding, his neck searing with phantom pain.  
          “Shit, shit, shit,” he swore frantically, untangling the sheets from his legs. It was fine, he told himself, he wasn’t in pain, he wasn’t dirty or sick, he was home, it was fine… Bile rose in his throat. There were shadows here, he needed light, no shadows…   
          He stumbled into the hall and walked shakily down the steps, pacing through the hallways and rooms, turning on all of the lights as he went.   
            
      _“I love you.”_  
   
          He leaned against the wall next to the steps. Why couldn’t he get that out of his head? Wes loved him and he left him all alone… no, that wasn’t right… he didn’t love Wes, right? He loved Name and he loved Heero. He even loved Solo and Shi and even Quatre and Trowa, he didn’t love Wes… but… he did… even if he could never forgive him for everything that he had done. Why had he chosen him out of all of the orphans? Had he been attracted to him… had he loved him when he was a child, too? He had been calling Wes his father for years, but was that who he really was? He had to sit down, it was just too much… why did he have to think like this? Why couldn’t he just let things be? Shame filled him, making him sick to his stomach. He wanted to talk to someone, some human contact, the same need he had been feeling all day, but it was even stronger now, late at night with everyone else asleep. He couldn’t wake Heero up, he was too ashamed of his problems. If Heero knew that he was missing the man that he had rescued him from, he would probably be disgusted in him. So, he continued to wander from room to room, hoping that the relentless pacing would still his furious thoughts. He walked for hours, feeling tired, but restless at the same time. He wanted a normal life, it was all he had ever wanted, but he was beginning to understand how impossible that was. He had never hated anyone more than he hated Wes, but he was also the first person he had cared for, simply because he was the first real person he had had long time contact with. How could he fix that? He didn’t want to be this conflicted!   
          “Duo?” he heard Name’s sleep muddled voice from behind him. He turned in shock, having not heard her walking down the hallway. She looked cute in her loose fitting, cotton blue night shirt and grey pajama pants, her straight black hair adorably mussed from sleep and she rubbed at her eyes, stifling a yawn. Duo felt guilty about waking her and blushed at her sleepy state, having never seen her anything but composed and perfect before, but even having just rolled out of bed, she looked somehow mature and professional.   
          “What’s wrong?” she asked, her eyes half lidded.  
          “I can’t sleep, I’m sorry,” he murmured, “You can go back to sleep, I’m just going to walk around.”  
          She shook her head.  
          “Duo, what’s wrong?” she insisted, the sleep leaving her face and replaced with worry. He looked away.  
          “I had a nightmare, I don’t want to go back to sleep.”  
          She smiled at him, took him by the arm and led him back to the steps.  
          “What are you doing?” he asked, alarmed.  
          “Taking you back to bed. I won’t have you walking around all night, scared of sleeping. You need your rest,” she said, leading him up the stairs. He didn’t protest, knowing that it wasn’t fair to make her worry and let her lead him back to his room. He slipped back into bed, but still felt just as restless as before. His eyes widened as he felt the bed dip as Name slipped in behind him and threw her arm over him, bringing the covers up over them.   
          “W-what are you doing?” Duo cried, confused and blushing as he felt her heat at his back. There was nothing sexual at all about it and it was oddly comforting, but that just made him feel even more confused. What exactly was she doing?   
          “I used to do this for Heero when he had bad dreams as a child. It does help, Duo, having someone there to keep the nightmares away,” she said softly. Duo blushed even darker at the mention of Heero having nightmares.   
          “I’ve never had anyone sleep next to me without sex being involved,” he murmured. Name was silent, sad at his words, and laid her head against his.   
          “Go to sleep, Duo,” she said tiredly, “no more bad dreams or bad thoughts ok?”   
          Duo nodded. It was so awkward, having his best friend’s mother sleeping with him, but it also made him feel warm and safe and most of all, loved. He closed his eyes and imagined that, for a little while, she _was_ his mother. Sleep came easily after that and he finally drifted off. Name watched him with a sad smile, relaxing and letting herself fall back into sleep, too.  
   
   
            
          Years of having to get up early at five in the morning to get Heero up and ready for school had messed with Name’s biological clock and she no longer needed an alarm to wake up at that time, even when there was no school that day. Usually, she would immediately wake at five a.m. sharp and run into the shower, but this morning was different. She laid in the bed and watched Duo sleep. Thankfully, whether it was due to how tired he had been or her presence in the bed with him, he hadn’t stirred the rest of the night. He was curled on his side and she had given him the rest of the covers, tucking him in. His braid curled on the covers next to his chest, trailing over his shoulder. His face looked peaceful as he slept and she felt relieved that he hadn’t had any nightmares while she had watched over him. He looked so young, like a small child and she felt no embarrassment or qualms about sleeping with him. He looked so vulnerable, like he needed someone to watch over him. She had known that it would be a handful when she had taken him in, but this was starting to break her heart. She had never met anyone who was as confused and torn inside as Duo was. She could handle the physical aches and pains, but the insomnia, the nightmares, his dark and conflicting feelings for Wes… she could understand them, but she didn’t know how to help him cope with them. She knew that therapy was the best option, but it would be useless unless Duo wanted to go and right now he wasn’t ready. She brushed his bangs away from his face. She didn’t know if she was ready to take on the responsibility of another child when she still had her own son’s problems, but for Duo’s sake, she had to try.  
   
   
            
          Duo didn’t have any severe emotional outbursts or problems after that. He was still anxious, conflicted and more than a little embarrassed, but he was able to sleep without any terribly bad night mares and had no more major panic attacks during the day. He didn’t tell Heero about anything that had happened between him and his mother because it was hard enough to deal with one person worrying about him and Heero would worry whether he knew about the nightmares or not. He spent his days readying and watching the news, trying to catch up with the rest of the world, but it just served to depress him. It was already mid-January, Christmas and New Year’s had somehow passed him by when he had been missing. He didn’t miss the holidays, Christmas made him severely depressed since he had had no friends or family to spend it with and had to watch other families so happy and eager for the winter break, knowing that he had no one that loved him. The only gifts that he had ever gotten were those tiny candy canes carolers gave out Christmas Eve to the homeless and that Wes gave him Christmas night off, though that was more because Wes had his friends over for beers and Duo had been expected to serve them than because of any generosity or holiday feelings. He couldn’t even have bought presents for Solo because he had no money. New Year’s he didn’t even consider a holiday. For him, every year was exactly the same, pain, loneliness, and degradation, what was there to celebrate? All people did was gather for parties to get drunk out of their minds and Duo was too you to drink. Even if he hadn’t been, he didn’t think he would ever succumb to the lures of alcohol. He had too many problems in his life already; he didn’t need to add alcoholism to the list. It wasn’t like it tasted good, either. Duo wasn’t a religious person. It was partially due to all that had happened in his life. As a child he had figured that if there was some form of Supreme Being, he or she or it was cruel and didn’t deserve to be worshipped. When he had gotten older, religion had just seemed like a ridiculous concept that only served to create hate, not peace, and he had had no use for it in his life. So, celebrating Christmas to him meant _family_ and _friends_ , not worshipping some baby that had been born thousands of years ago. He was glad that, this year, those holidays had passed him by, though he couldn’t help but wonder what Christmas as the Yuy house had been like. At least those holidays had meant that he had only missed a few weeks of school instead of an entire month’s worth, though he missing all of his finals had been a serious blow. He was sure that his teachers would have had an easier time overlooking his absences if it hadn’t been for that. So, it had come as a surprise when, on Thursday, he got a call from Treize.  
   
          “What did you say” Duo asked, the telephone clenched in a white-knuckled grip as he pressed it to his ear. He and Name had been making stir fry for dinner while Heero finished his homework upstairs when the phone had rang. Name had paused in chopping the vegetables to listen to Duo’s side of the conversation.  
          “I said,” Treize toned patiently, in good spirits and humor, “that the school board has handed me their decision about your re-admittance into high school. You will be allowed to go back, but only if you agree to stay after classes every day this week to make up what you have missed for this semester and show them that you are serious about continuing your education. Unfortunately, because you missed all of your finals, you will be getting D’s in all of your fall semester classes, but you won’t be failed because of your earlier exemplary work and if you do well this semester, you won’t be forced to repeat your freshman year. You’ll have to pick out classes for this semester before you come back, but I can give Heero the class lists tomorrow for you,” Treize said, his voice up beat. Duo was silent for a moment. He couldn’t believe that this was happening! He thought there would be some debate, but the decision had come back so quickly, Treize must have pulled quite a few strings to get the board to meet so quickly.  
          “I-… I don’t mind about the D’s or the make-up work, I just… I can go to school Monday then, or do I have to wait or…”  
          Name smiled brightly at hearing that he would be returning to school, but Duo didn’t notice. Treize chuckled over the line.  
          “Just bring the class list before school starts on Monday and I’ll print out your schedule. I’ll make sure that you can start classes Monday. Your teachers haven’t been told anything just that the school board decided to let you come back. Whatever you decide to tell them, I’ll back you up on,” the principal assured him.  
          “T-thank you so much, sir!” Duo stammered, his heart feeling it was going to burst out of his chest. Name nudged his shoulder gently.  
          “You’re very welcome, Mr. Maxwell,” Treize said.  
          “Can I speak to him?” Name whispered. Duo nodded and handed the phone to her. He went to the table to set for dinner and Heero joined him. They both looked at Name speaking excitedly on the phone out of the corner of their eyes.  
          “What’s going on?” Heero asked in a hushed tone, “Who’s Mom talking to?”  
          “Treize,” Duo said softly, “he’s letting me come back to school Monday. I have to stay late all next week, but I won’t be held back if I finish all of my work.”  
          “That’s great!” Heero exclaimed, forgetting to keep his voice down.  
          “It’s better than great!” Name said as she hung up the phone, “I know that I liked that man! Now, Duo, you can tell us everything, but first, let’s eat!”  
   
   
          Duo too a deep nervous breath, his class list filled with marks and poorly erased notes clutched in his hand. Saturday and Sunday had been great. He and Heero had gone to the movies, gotten pizza afterwards, and yesterday they had gone to the pond that was in Heero’s neighborhood to feed the ducks since it wasn’t cold enough for the pond to freeze over, going out to dinner when it had finally gotten too dark. Duo had liked going to the pond, watching the carefree birds swim after the pieces of bread while he and Heero talked about the excitement of going to school together again. However, now it was Monday morning and Duo felt sick with a mixture of nervousness and excitement. He had always loved school but now he was worried that he wouldn’t be able to catch up and what sort off questions people were going to ask him. Going to the movies with Heero had been a little bit stressful at first because of the amount of people there, so he was worried that he would have a panic attack being crowded by people he had never trusted. But, Heero would be there wit him, so he was sure that it would be ok. It was partially because of his loneliness and anxiety that he had chosen all but one class with Heero. His eyes scanned over the class list again. He had Painting, Geometry, English, American History, Earth Science, and Gym with Heero and Cooking by himself. He didn’t think it would be too bad, and he was looking forward to cooking, Painting, English, and Geometry, but he still felt uneasy He packed the black book bag that Name had bought him with note books, the calculator for Geometry, though he hated using calculators, a ruler, and pencils.  
          “Are you ok?” Heero asked, already ready for schools since Duo had to go early to see Treize. Duo nodded.  
          “It’s just… I’ve never had a back pack before,” he admitted, “I’ve always carried my whole life around with me in that duffle bag, it feels weird, like I’m naked without it,” he zipped the bag up, “This whole thing feels weird to me.”  
          Heero smiled at him.  
          “It’s your first day back in a month and now you’ll have your own lunch and you won’t have to worry about hiding things, at least on your own. Remember, no matter what anyone says or asks, you don’t have to tell them shit if you don’t want to and I’ll be there if you ever feel overwhelmed, plus there’s Quatre, Trowa, and Treize, and you can always call Mom if you need her,” Heero reminded him.  
          “Thanks, Heero,” Duo said thankfully. Heero was being a little bit overprotective, but Duo didn’t feel coddled and crowded by it, he didn’t mind a little extra protection from his best friend, “I’m ready to go when you are.”  
          “Alright,” Heero agreed and they walked downstairs together. Duo made a beeline for the door, but Name stopped him with a hand on his arm.  
          “Forgetting something?” she asked, a brown bag lunch in her hand. Duo blushed. He had never had someone make him lunch before.  
          “Sorry,” he said sheepishly, taking the lunch from her.  
          “Call me if there is anything wrong, ok?” she insisted. Duo nodded. Last night she had wanted to give him a cell phone, but he had refused. He didn’t see any point in carrying a phone he would probably never use around in his pocket. One of the fads that he hated the most was people who played with their phones all the time like it was a life line, even in the middle of class.  
          “Bye, Mom,” Heero waved as he opened the door for Duo and the two left the house into the cold morning air, leaving in Heero’s silver car.   
   
          The school was blessedly empty so early in the morning, so Duo felt comfortable walking to Treize’s office to get his schedule. He knew that he was going to get some weird looks, if any of his classmates noticed him at all. He wouldn’t be surprised if no one had noticed his absence. It was probably the first time that he was grateful for being ignored even if he still was a little bitter about it. Duo got his schedule from Treize with no problem, excited to see that all of his class choice had been approved. He agreed to meet him and Une after school to start on his Earth Science work. Treize had told him that he wanted to get him caught up with one class today. It wounded like a good plan, seven classes in five days. Painting and Cooking had so little homework that Treize had decided to combine it on Friday and he didn’t have anything that needed to be done in gym, obviously. It was nice knowing that he had three classes that he didn’t have to worry about. He was also excited that he would still have Une Khushrenada as his science teacher. Tomorrow he would have to meet with his American History teacher, a man he had never had before, named Williams. Wednesday was Lucrezia Noin, who he had had last semester for English, too, and had the same sort of relationship with that he had with Une. Thursday would be Geometry with Professor G, whom he had also had last semester for Algebra. Friday would be easy with Painting, Gym, and Cooking; Treize had even informed him that he didn’t want to overwhelm him before the weekend. He only had to meet with Schbeiker for Gym because she had requested to talk to him privately, and Midii Une, oddly not related to his science teacher, for Painting, and Long Meiran for Cooking, assured Treize that there wasn’t much for Duo to make up. Duo shook Treize’s hand and thanked him again for his help, leaving for the Earth Science classroom with Heero.  
   
          Duo felt much more confident leaving Treize’s office than he had entering it, having discussed what he was going to do to get back on track. Heero noticed his friend’s change in attitude and also relaxed. As they walked down the hallway, suddenly a blonde blur flew at them and Duo had a split second before he was hugged tightly by a very hyper Quatre.  
          “Duo! Oh my God, it’s so good to see you! How are you?!”   
          “I’m much better, Quatre, it’s good to see you, too,” Duo said slowly, taking Quatre’s hyper ness and tight hug in stride. After telling Trowa and Quatre about his past, he had been worried about losing their friendship, but not only were they not disgusted, they didn’t appear to outright pity him for it, either, they just treated him like they always had. It was good to see him and he hugged him back. He had missed him and Trowa in the week they had vacated to a hotel for.  
          “I’m glad to see that you’re adjusting well,” Trowa said as he approached them, though much slower than his lover, “Name said that you were coming here early, so we thought we’d say ‘hi’,” the tall boy’s eyes were soft as he looked at the violet eyed boy. He had last seen him in the hospital and he looked much better now. He had been shocked when he had heard the truth about Duo’s past. He couldn’t remember being so angry in his life. He had never before wanted to kill another human being like he wanted to kill Wes. He wasn’t a bold person, but he had made a promise to himself that he would protect Duo if he had to, they all would, if that man showed up to hurt him again. No one deserved to be treated like that, especially not someone like Duo. He couldn’t stop remembering what Duo had looked like that night he had come out of surgery. He knew that Duo was strong, but he was also lonely and needed people to give him the affection he had been refused since he was a child. Trowa was sure that Name and Heero had done all that they could to make Duo feel at home and he was looking forward to going back there as well. Living in the hotel room with Quatre had felt like a strange honey moon, going to school during the day and making love and ordering room service at night. It had been nice compared to the large home they shared in Italy. Trowa, like Quatre, had never been to public school. He had grown up with a traveling circus. His parents had been a part of it as acrobats, but due to a terrible accident during an act when he had been a baby, his older sister, Catherine, had become his guardian and had home schooled him in their tiny trailer. His childhood had been filled with feeding lions and learning how to do gymnastics tricks while his sister taught him math. It had been all that he had ever known, but through watching TV, he had discovered that his life was not at all normal. Though, after hearing what Duo’s childhood had been like, he couldn’t call it ‘bad’, just unique. When he had fallen in love with Quatre, it had been hard to balance what they were used to, Quatre’s mansion with its many servants and his trailer with the smell of wild cats, but they had somehow made their relationship work. Still, it had been a relief, that hotel room, but the Yuy house, despite its size, felt just as comfortable to him. He also yearned for a friend like Duo, someone down to earth that could understand how uncomfortable, it was to be pampered. Trowa didn’t mind public school, but their known friendship with Heero and Duo had created some sort of invisible barrier between them and the other students. Trowa didn’t mind as much as it seemed to truly bother Quatre. He had always been shy and had problems making friends. In both of their eyes, if anyone had a problem with Duo or Heero, they weren’t worth the time anyway.   
          Quatre untangled Duo and his smile softened to something more gentle and tender as Trowa and Duo hugged.  
          “Are you two really staying here for the rest of the year?” Heero asked. At the same time that he was annoyed that they would be moving back into his home tonight, he was happy to have his other two friends so close by.  
          “Yes, is that a problem?” Quarter said in a suggestive knowing tone, glancing at Duo, who was utterly clueless to his innuendo. Heero glared at him.  
          “Of course not,” he said in a clipped one. Quatre grinned.   
          “Great!” he chirped, “Trowa and I are in different classes from you two, but we’ll be sure to save you a seat at lunch, have fun!” Quatre waved at them and started to drag Trowa off, who rolled his eyes at his lover’s antics. Heero gave Duo a suffering look.  
          “He’s way too… perky in the morning,” he grumbled. Duo smiled.  
          “I think it’s cute.”  
          Heero rolled his eyes.  
          “Don’t encourage him.”          
          Duo bit his lip.  
          “Do you really think I can make up all that work? What if I never catch up?” he worried. Heero ruffled his hair a little, stifling a laugh at Duo’s annoyed expression as he tried to soothe down his hair  
          “It’ll be fine, Duo. Treize thinks you can do it and I can, too, he and Une are too stubborn to give up on you.”  
          Duo nodded. That was true; Treize wouldn’t let him give up because he couldn’t bear to fail.  
   
   
          Duo kept his head low as he and Heero entered their second class, English. Earth Science had been… interesting. At first, it seemed like nothing had changed, sitting next to Heero, Une smiling at him when she entered, but it wasn’t the same. For one, he wasn’t being ignored anymore. The second people started to come into the classroom, they stared at him like he was a bug under a microscope. He couldn’t take the unrelenting looks and had squirmed in his seat. His fellow classmates had stared at him in confusion, their eyes buzzing with furious questions, and Une had had to yell at some of them to stop chatting during class. Duo tried hard to drown out the whispers, but he knew that they were talking about him. As he and Heero walked out into the hallway, Heero had been approached several times by people wanting to know what was going on, but Heero brushed them off like they were invisible.  
          They walked English and people turned in the their seats, whispering to each other, but some glared at Duo as thought they couldn’t understand his audacity to come back to school. Duo didn’t know what was worse, being a bug or being gunk under someone’s shoe. He tried to ignore all of it, especially when the class was over and _he_ was approached by people, but it was hard. He was used to being nobody, not a valuable piece of gossip. Heero, on the other hand, seemed to be used to people talking about him and didn’t seem bothered at all. He tried his best to ignore it as they finished with Earth Science, English, and Painting. It was nice seeing Une and Noin again and Duo had no complaints about Midii Une. She was a petite blonde, passionate about painting and a stickler for dedication, but from what Duo could see, she was also very patient and kind. He reminded himself that he still had to get through two new teachers before he could relax.   
          It felt weird going back to school after everything that had happened. If he tried really hard, he could pretend that none of it had happened, but that would have involved the _good_ things that had happened, too, Heero’s promises, Name’s kindness, and he was willing to balance the bad stuff with the good stuff. It felt good to be walking the halls with his best friend. He realized just how lucky he was that he had been forgiven by Heero after what had happened with Zechs. There wasn’t a day that had gone by that he wasn’t grateful that the one good thing in his life was still there for him. He could almost believe that Heero would _always_ be with him if it weren’t for that cautious, pessimistic part of himself that said that nothing this good would last. During his… absence… he had believed that he would never be with Heero again, that he would never go back to school again, but here he was. He had been in such emotional agony without Heero. So now he felt so good, it was a new and shocking emotion for him. There was still that part of him that was scared of his new life and wanted something familiar, but he wasn’t willing to trade the love he felt for Heero for the pain he had lived in for so long. Though this new life was unfamiliar to him, he also loved it. In the past, he had always believed that he had no future. Now, all of a sudden, he was back at school, had a _real_ home, and so much to look forward to and get used to. It was enough to make his head spin. Compared to all of that, a little bit of staring was annoying, but something he could live with. When was the last time that he had gone this long without the taste of semen in his mouth? He couldn’t remember. This was definitely the first time he had gone to school without being in pain, anyway.  
   
   
          Heero dealt with the stares easier than Duo did. As a Yuy, he was used to being gawked at and gossiped about, but he didn’t like how uncomfortable the looks were making Duo. He would have punched one of their classmates to send a message if he thought it would have made things better instead of worse. That, and it would just make Duo upset. Heero wondered if the reason that his turning to physical violence bothered Duo so much was because he had been the victim of so much physical abuse. That possible fact made him think twice about striking _anyone_. He was amazed that Duo hadn’t dropped him after he had put that boy in the hospital. It made him wonder what Duo saw in him if he had continued to want to be his friend. It made him wonder what he had done to make Duo so sure of him and why he wasn’t scared of him. He looked at Duo out of the corner of his eye. He looked happier than he had been before he had disappeared, but there were also a lot of things that _hadn’t_ changed. His expression was cautious and guarded like he was expecting something heavy to fall on his head and had to protect himself from the rest of the world so they wouldn’t be able to see how much it hurt. He still looked so small and frail to Heero, but just as strong. He was still the survivor he had always been. Gone was the smell and dirt and grime and broken glasses, but the hesitation and fear still remained, though it wasn’t quite as blatant as it had been, the security living with them had given him making him relax just a little bit. He was still the boy that Heero had fallen head over heels with. Actually, after seeing Duos ability to get back to his feet even after all of the horrible things that had been done to him, he loved him even more to the point that his heart wanted to burst out of his chest. He felt such an intense _pride_ for Duo, seeing him walk around like everything was normal, even when he knew that he was having trouble adjusting. His feelings for him felt so intense, it was making him sick inside. How could an emotion feel so good and bad at the same time? As they walked to the cafeteria, a girl with sort black hair looked intently at Duo, studying him. Heero recognized the look, he had been on the receiving end of those lustful looks before and he realized that Duo didn’t smell or look sick anymore and their classmates were finally noticing the beauty and potential in Duo that Heero had seen all along. Heero didn’t like that. He bit back a growl and the sudden urge to rip the pretty girl’s throat out with his bare hands. He saw Duo notice the girl checking him out and his heart clenched painfully. Duo blushed in embarrassment, but simply looked away, not wanting anything to do with her. The girl looked taken aback by Duo’s disinterest and Heero grinned smugly at her, staying close to his side.  
   
          Duo brushed the black haired girl’s gaze off with a twinge of embarrassment. He had only been looked at like that by girls a handful of times and he hated it just as much as he had hated the lusty looks he got from his johns. He felt no attraction towards girls, especially compared to the interest he had in Heero, and their interested looks only made him feel self conscious and embarrassed. He had noticed a few people checking him out, clean and well fed, and realized that he was truly being _seen_ for the first time, but wasn’t sure yet if he liked it or not, it just made him feel uncomfortable. He decided to try to ignore such looks like he did all the others and try to enjoy his lunch with his friends.  
   
          Quatre carefully watched for Heero and Duo as he claimed a table at lunch. It wasn’t hard, finding a table for just the four of them. When he and Trowa had first come to this school, they had been gawked at and followed around. As the Winner heir and having such a rememberable face, Quatre was used to it, but it had made Trowa nervous. Things had been stressful those few couple of days, dealing with people’s awe and open adoration. The people in this town had never seen so many famous people in their lives so they were more than a little star struck. They were especially anxious as to why Quatre was there and who Trowa was. Their classmates seemed to think that anyone associating with Quatre or Heero had to be celebrities themselves, but Trowa kept quiet. He could tell that his lover wanted to say something, but it was enough for him. Just knowing that Quatre wasn’t ashamed of him was enough; he didn’t care if anyone else knew the truth. Trowa wasn’t surprised that, when Quatre introduced them as Heero _and_ Duo’s friends, the adoration had abruptly stopped and they had been avoided like they had the plague. Quatre wasn’t one of those people that craved attention from strangers but their classmates’ attitudes towards them had shocked him. It amazed Trowa how naive his lover was sometimes. When Quatre had figured out that the problem was Duo, he and Trowa had had the silent agreement to simply ignore the others. Quatre couldn’t stand that sort of subtle bullying and he refused to deal with _anyone_ that looked down on Duo. He didn’t think that they were missing out on much. Compared to how much he missed Duo, still lying in his hospital bed, it wasn’t a big deal, scorning the friendship of any other student. Because of his name, Quatre had, like Heero, always had problems making friends. It had been a bit harder for Heero because the Yuy name was much more intimidating than Winner, and his slightly volatile personality was a problem compared to Quatre’s sunny one, but it was because of Quatre’s bubbly attitude that people mistook him for an airhead and thought the was an easy target while Heero was considered more dangerous. So, friends like Duo that didn’t care about his wealth and both respected and didn’t underestimate him, were precious to him. He, in turn, had a great respect for Duo and certainly put him higher than a bunch of teenagers that thought they owned the world. That boy that had been with them at the hospital, Wufei, was the only one who dared to sit with them, though he seemed content to only talk about things other than Duo and Heero. When they _did_ try to steer the conversation in that direction, the Chinese boy would look horribly depressed and clam up. They stopped talking about it after a few days. It made Quatre smirk. It looked like Duo had two people fighting for his affections if he only realized it, and Quatre could see why. Duo was very attractive, though he wasn’t really Quatre’s type, you would have to be blind not to see it. If Duo was gay and interested, Quatre thought, with how quickly and strongly he had connected with Heero, it was a safe bet who he would choose. Then there was Wufei’s outburst in the hospital. Quatre had wanted to hate him for that, whether it was understandable or not. Quatre knew first hand the frustration that Wufei had been feeling at Duo’s news of rape and abuse, but what he had said was just utterly disgusting. Quatre had wanted to attack the black haired boy for it, but was glad to see that he was suffering enough because of his words. Quatre wasn’t sure how to deal with Duo’s past. He had had absolutely no experience with rape victims and he felt that the only thing he could do was be there for Duo, but it didn’t seem like nearly enough. But, at the same time Duo was still the same person and Quatre couldn’t bear to treat him differently. He caught sight of his two friends and waved them over.   
          “Hey, Duo!” Quatre called as they sat down. Duo smiled at him. “So, how was the first day back?” the blonde asked. Duo shrugged.  
          “Pretty much the same except, you know,” he gestured to a table of girls that was staring at them. The girls, seeing the gesture, realized that they were caught and looked away, giggling annoyingly and blushing.  
          “Just ignore them,” Trowa said gruffly, seeing how uncomfortable Duo was.  
          “Can I see your schedule” Quatre asked, trying to divert Duo’s attention from the staring. Duo handed him the folded piece of paper.  
          “Uh… can I… um, sit here?” a familiar voice asked nervously. Heero glared up at Wufei while Duo looked at him uncomfortably.   
            
_“You should have fought back, even if you had died!”_   
   
          Wufei’s words hung in the air as Duo and Heero stared him down and Trowa and Quatre looked away. Regardless of their own feelings on the subject, they would respect Duo’s position on the subject. Duo wanted to look away from Wufei’s warm brown eyes. He wanted to hate him. His relationship with the boy had been bad from the start and his words had hurt him, deeply. But, the cocky, stubborn, love-struck boy he had known was gone and Duo felt like he was seeing Wufei for the first time. He had had a lot of courage to approach him like this. Duo searched Wufei’s eyes for any hint of the puppy love he had held for him, but only saw a deep, confused respect and an equally deep guilt.  
          “Sure,” he conceded. Heero looked at him in shock, but let Wufei sit next to Duo. The hair on the back of his neck bristled, he was sure that this was just a trick, that Wufei was going to do something to gain Duo’s affections again, but he relaxed when Wufei only ate, and listened as Quatre commented on Duo’s teachers. Duo felt weird sitting next to Wufei and _not_ being bothered by him, but pushed away the feeling and taking out his lunch, licking his lips when he saw the Swiss miss pudding, baggie of dill pickles, and strawberry yoghurt. Heero made a face of disgust, which Duo only smirked at, when he saw that his mother had packed Duo a liverwurst sandwich. During their time alone together, Name had decided to test what Duo’s so far untested appetite would like by cooking and making just about everything she could come up with. To her and Heero’s surprise, they had discovered that there were few foods Duo would turn his nose at and he especially enjoyed liverwurst on white Canadian bread. Heero remembered when she had gotten him to try liverwurst as a child and made another face. Duo responded by taking a large bite from his sandwich and hummed happily. Heero rolled his eyes as Duo finished the sandwich in only a few bites and moved on to his pickles.  
          “You have Mr. Williams for a teacher?” Quatre asked, a golden eyebrow raised.  
          “I heard that he’s a real jerk,” Wufei said suddenly, giving a little flinch when he realized that he had spoken out loud. He glanced at Duo and felt an intense pang of homesickness. The longhaired boy reminded him of his lover, of his home back in China. He still didn’t feel like he belonged here. How did Yuy do it? He had adjusted to his life here in America so seamlessly; it was like he had been _born_ here. Why was Heero so damn happy when he felt so miserable? It was odd, he had felt so horribly alone, but when he was with these four, it wasn’t so bad. Mostly, he missed Fai. Being around Duo made that longing so much worse. Duo was beautiful and smart, just like his lover, but he was also much different, but he wasn’t the solution to his problems. Yes, Duo was beautiful and sexy, and Wufei wanted him, but his heart had belonged to another for a very long time now and that wasn’t going to change. He wanted Fai so badly he wanted to cry, and he knew that his parents could tell there was something wrong with him, even if he was too proud to tell them he wanted to go back to China because, as much as the attitudes of his people had hurt him, it had also been the only hoe he had ever known and he missed it dearly. He looked over at Heero and Duo, who were listening to Quatre tell them rumors about Williams. They looked so heartbreakingly _perfect_ together. They made love look easy and wonderful. While Duo had been in the hospital recovering, Wufei had come to learn quite a few things. It had become obvious to him that Duo’s heart belonged to another, too, and it was so far gone, there was no way to get it back, he should have realized that a long time ago, but it had taken his shock at Duo’s personal darkness to open his eyes. He also realized that he had probably destroyed a potential friendship. There was something about the four of them that made him feel comfortable and not so lonely, and, to his relief, it looked like they might just accept him and forgive him. He didn’t deserve forgiveness for what he had said to Duo in one of the lowest parts of Duo’s life when he had needed acceptance but they were at least tolerating him. He still couldn’t understand how Duo could keep going after all that had happened to him, but he respected him deeply for his strength and wished that he could be that strong.  
          “Apparently the man is really strict,” Quatre was saying in the tone of someone who was absolutely certain of his facts, “he tried to get a girl expelled from school for only being ten minutes late! He told Mr. Khushrenada that a girl with that sort of attitude didn’t deserve to be taught by him! Naturally, Khushrenada denied his request, but Williams is really overbearing and when it comes to his students, he expects perfection and if he finds you lacking, there’s hell to pay! The man has a mean streak a mile wide!” Quatre gestured wildly, his sea green eyes bright with the excitement of telling such a juicy story. Duo rolled his eyes.   
          “Let me guess, you learned that from gossip?” he asked, teasing. Quatre shrugged.  
          “People talk,” he said simply. Heero snorted.  
          “Thanks, but I think we’ll wait until we take his class before we judge him, Quatre.”  
          Duo nodded in agreement. Truthfully he wasn’t at all bothered by Quatre’s words. That didn’t mean that he thought the man was a saint or a good teacher, but he wasn’t going to believe anything unless he had some facts behind it. Back when he had been struggling through Middle School, Duo had heard a lot of gossip through his classmates older siblings about Une. He had heard a lot of stories, including that she was cruel and had some sort of split personality when dealing with students and parents. He hadn’t given much credence to the gossip back them and he wouldn’t give any now. When he had finally met Une, she had proven to be strict, but that was only because she cared so much for her students. She was also kind and understanding, not taking crap from anyone at the same time that she knew the facets of the common teenager and was willing to turn a blind eye to some behaviors. He had learned a long time ago that people liked to talk about the bad things, the drama, the misery, and that gossip had absolutely nothing to do with the truth.  
   
   
   
          As much as Duo was hesitant to admit it, there seemed to be a bit of fact to the stories about Frank Williams. There were no introductions as the thirty-seven year old man entered the large history classroom. He looked normal, brown eyes that were only a shade lighter than his hair and wearing as nice a suit a teacher could afford, but his eyes were cold and sharp as he assessed his students. It was an amazing thing how every person instantly quieted. There was something about those eyes that commanded respect and obedience. When those cold, brown eyes fell on Duo, the longhaired boy caught a flash of anger in them and fear spiked in his heart, but he shook it off as well as he could and concentrated on the lecture, even when the man’s piercing eyes returned to him again and again.   
   
          Heero noticed the teacher’s hateful look at his best friend, too, and glared back, but realized that, for once, he was powerless. He didn’t like the feeling one bit. That was the problem with having something so good. He could fight back, but now he had so much to lose and found himself in situations like this, unwilling to risk his friendship.  
   
   
          Heero walked Duo to the school library when classes ended. Une had given him the assignments he had to complete after class and he was supposed to stop by Treize’s office to hand his work in.  
          “I’ll come by the office in a few hours,” Heero told him, “Mom knows to wait.”  
          Duo frowned.  
          “Are you sure that you want to wait? Une and Treize want to talk to me and you really don’t have to say,” he said. Heero smiled.  
          “I have nothing better to do.”  
          Duo tried to protest, but Heero turned and walked off, leaving Duo standing in the library alone, unable to yell after him.   
   
   
          Duo stretched in the uncomfortable wooden chair and stifled a yawn. Diagrams of rock and topographs and volcanoes seemed to be permanently tattooed into his brain, but after two hours, he had finally caught up with all of his work for Une. Despite the headache that was starting to build, he felt a sense of achievement at finishing so much work. It also gave him some confidence knowing that he _could_ catch up. He still couldn’t believe that Heero had opted to stay in school while he did his work. He wasn’t sure where his friend had gone, but just knowing that he was close by if he needed him made him feel good. He felt guilty wasting Heero’s time, though, and decided to talk to Heero about not staying after tomorrow as well. He sighed and gathered his things. He had a very good idea about what Une and Treize wanted to talk to him about and he wasn’t looking forward to it.   
   
   
          Treize and Une were waiting for Duo in Treize’s office when the blue-eyed man’s secretary escorted him in. Duo couldn’t help but feel nervous when Treize closed the door behind him. He realized that no one could hear them in here and felt grateful at the same time that he was uncomfortable.  
          “I finished my work,” he told Une as he handed over his papers. She smiled at him and took them from him.   
          “Thank you, Duo, it wasn’t that hard, was it?”  
          He shook his head.  
          “It was fun learning how to make topographs and the chapter on magma was pretty interesting” Duo mentioned. Une’s smile grew.  
          “Duo, if all of my students were as eager to learn as you, my job as a teacher would be much easier.”  
          Duo blushed deeply.  
          “Sit down, Duo,” Treize said kindly, gesturing to a chair. Not seeing a way out of the situation, Duo sat. Treize and Une sat in front of him and shared a look.  
          “First off,” Treize said, his blue eyes meeting Duo’s violet ones, “I’m glad to see that you’re adjusting to school again. I’m also proud that you’re so dedicated to try to continue with you’re education,” Treize said and Une nodded in agreement.  
          “But, that’s not what we want to talk to you about,” she admitted. Duo gave a soft flinch as she took his hands in hers.  
          “I am so sorry Duo,” she said, tears in her eyes, “about everything… those… things shouldn’t have happened to you. More than that, I’m sorry that we… I… didn’t help you,” she squeezed his hand as she struggled with her emotions.  
          “It’s alright,” Duo tried to assure her.   
          “No, it’s not,” Treize said, “It’s our job as teachers, as a part of community, to make sure that you’re safe, and we didn’t do that.”  
          “I should have known,” Une looked away from Duo, “I knew there was something wrong and I didn’t do everything I could to help you! I should have tried harder…”  
          Duo shook his head.  
          “There’s noting you could have done,” he told her, “Even Name and Heero didn’t know for sure. I should have told someone, but I was in such a bad place, I was too ashamed and I didn’t think that anyone would _want_ to help me. Even if you had found out on your own, somehow, Wes would have found away to keep you from causing trouble,” the incident with Nurse Po came to his mind.   
          Une seemed to accept that from him.  
          “I forgive you, both of you. It wasn’t your fault and you did more than most people did for me.”  
          Treize’s eyes met his wife’s.  
          “I have a few more things I want to talk to Duo about, wh don’t you find Mr. Yuy? Unless he went home and is going to be picking you up later?” Treize asked.  
          “No, he’s still here.”  
          Une stood and smiled warmly at Duo.   
          “I’ll see you tomorrow, then,” she said and gave his shoulder a slight squeeze.  
          “Bye, Mrs. Khushrenada,” Duo called as the longhaired woman left and closed the door. Treize cleaned his throat, folding his hands over his lap.  
          “Now, Mr. Maxwell, do you know what you would like to do once you graduate from here?” he asked. Duo shrugged.  
          “Honestly, I’ve never thought about it,” Duo said, noting the sad look in Treize’s eyes, “I don’t have many things that I’m good at any way.”  
          Treize nodded in understanding.  
          “In that case-,”  
          The door suddenly flew open and Williams, a mad expression on his face, stormed in.  
          “What is the meaning of this, Khushrenada?!” he snarled, his expression turning even more furious, Duo jumped out of his chair and retreated to the side of Treize’s desk, his flight instincts wanting to put as much of a distance between him and the teacher as possible. Treize spotted his frantic secretary over the man’s shoulder and shook his head, walking past Williams to close the door.  
          “Why is he being let back into school?!” Williams demanded, pointing at Duo, “he missed over a month, this is ridiculous!”   
          “Some new information has come to light and the school board and I agree that Duo’s circumstances warrant another chance,” Treize tried to placate him.  
          “What information?”  
          Treize looked at Duo, who nodded.  
          “It has recently come to my attention that Mr. Maxwell’s guardian is not his real father. The man took him from the streets and, as a child, raped and propositioned him. He was able to come and go from school, but he was severely abused. It wasn’t until another student had discovered all of this that he was able to get help. In the last moth, he was held against his will and brutalized. Fortunately, he is all better now and it was decided that he be allowed back of course,” Treize gave the surprised man a stern look, “you cannot repeat any of this to anyone. I’m sure you understand.”  
          Williams quickly recovered from his shock and gave Duo an odd look.  
          “If you hated being raped, or so you’ve probably claimed, you would have gone to the cops,” the teacher said sternly. Treize stared at hi and Duo’s eyes widened. Pain stabbed at his heart.   
          “You’re partially to blame, surely you know that?” Williams continued, “You were allowed to go as you pleased. If you had screamed, surely someone would have come to help you. No one would ignore a little kid screaming for help, but I bet you never did.”  
          The teacher got in Duo’s face and Treize was too shocked by the man’s cruel words to stop him.  
          “If your father made you give him a blowjob, you could have bit him,” Williams pointed out, glaring back at Treize, “I don’t see why this boy should be given special treatment above all of my other students just because he was raped, after all,” his cold brown eyes turned back to Duo, “you are a _man_ , right?” he smirked, giving Duo a once over, “Though I can see how someone might be mistaken, looking at you. But, you are a man, so it isn’t such a big deal. It isn’t like you can get pregnant. Aren’t you just making a big deal out of noting?” he suggested, “I mean, even kids have sex drives, that’s just fact, and you’re a teenager now. When you got older, it was probably consensual, because, as disgusting as homosexuality is, it isn’t so rare nowadays. You certainly don’t _look_ straight laced, so having sex with another man isn’t such a big deal for you, is it? Are you just crying rape now because you played hooky too much?” William’s piercing perusal of his body made Duo feel dirty and each word tore at him making him doubt himself and the confidence that Heero and Name had given him, assuring him that his past hadn’t been his fault.  
          “You’re very pretty,” Williams mused, “I can see why so many men can’t stay away from you. You shouldn’t blame your father and the people who had sex with you for having basic, biological urges. Take responsibility for your own problems instead of blaming everyone else!” he snapped. Panic welled inside of Duo. It was his fault… his… responsibility. Was it really because of him that he had been raped He had been hearing that his whole life, but he had wanted to believe Name and Heero so badly… Maybe Williams was right, maybe he had secretly enjoyed the abuse. It had hurt and it had been humiliating, but he never once went to the cops about it. No one had helped him… was that because they had known it was his own problem? But then, why did Heero and Name tell him differently? He couldn’t deal with the man’s accusations anymore, true or not and pushed past him, escaping out of the office. He had to get out, his panic was swelling and he felt like he was being choked to death again.  
          Watching Duo struggle with his panic attack and then flee broke Treize out of his stupor and he grabbed Williams, slamming him against the wall and felt a strong triumph at having wiped that smug look off of the man’s face, replacing it with shock and just a little bit of fear.  
          “What are you-,”  
          “Shut the fuck up!” Treize snapped, stealing away any power or authority that the brunette had, “How _dare_ you?! No one, no matter their gender or sexuality or age wants to be raped! Duo isn’t the one who’s wrong, you are! People like you are wrong, people ho think that rape is just _sex_. You’re just as bad as the bastard who raped that child because you don’t even see rape as a _bad thing_!” Treize didn’t wait for the man’s answer, storming out of his office to track Duo down.  
  
End Part 6  
  



	15. The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo and Heero continue to deal with the ignorant Mr. Williams. Left home alone one day, Duo meets a girl claiming to be Heero's fiance.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 6  
Part 7  
   
   
          Treize found Duo in the men’s bathroom, hiding under the sinks. His bent knees were pressed against his chest, his arms wrapped around them and his face hidden against his knees. The boy was shaking and rocking slightly. Treize realized that he was having some sort of emotional break down and approached him slowly and carefully, kneeling down to make himself smaller.  
          “Duo?” he prodded, but the longhaired boy didn’t respond, his limbs shaking with some sort of suppressed trauma.  
          “Duo” he said a bit louder. His paternal instincts were going wild seeing the slight body so tense and realizing that the boy was silently crying. He wanted to break Williams and Wes, but one he couldn’t fire just for being verbally mean and the other he couldn’t find, so all of his energy was concentrated on helping Duo. Duo’s head shot up and Treize flinched, worried that he would slam his head into the sink. Duo’s eyes were bloodshot and he looked ghostly pale.  
          “Sir?” Duo murmured. He blushed as he realized where he was and rubbed at his eyes.  
          “Are you alright?” Treize asked softly. Duo shook his head.  
          “I-I’m sorry.”  
          “For what?” Treize asked in confusion.  
          “For being so weak,” Duo murmured, still shaking, but not so hard. Treize smiled disarmingly.  
          “I’m not Wes, Duo, if you need to cry, just go ahead and do it. Besides, I’m the one who needs to apologize. I shouldn’t have let him talk to you like that you certainly didn’t deserve it.”  
          “I keep hearing that it’s my fault,” Duo said tiredly, “I’ve always thought that it had to be my fault, though it still hurts being told that. But, now Heero and Name and Une and you are all telling me that what I’ve always believed is wrong, that it’s not my fault. I don’t know what to believe anymore,” he muttered. Treize sat on the floor, his long legs hurting from crouching.  
          “Duo, you were raped. Someone else hurt you, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re _never_ responsible for the actions of others.”  
          Duo bit his lip, wanting very badly to believe that, but it was difficult. He had believed his entire life that he had deserved being raped, but he didn’t want to believe that anymore. What he wanted was to go home and forget everything that had just happened. He didn’t want to be shrouded in darkness anymore.  
          “He won’t come near you anymore, I promise,” Treize tried to assure him.  
          “He’s wrong,” Duo decided, “Even when Heero had hit me once, I never hated him for it. If I had to make the choice between living without Wes and living without Heero, right now, I’d choose being without Wes. As much as I consider Wes my only real father I still hate him for what he did to me. Even when my body enjoyed it, I hated him. If it was my fault, I could have changed things made them different, right?” Duo realized.  
          Treize nodded, offering Duo a hand, which he took as the two men got to their feet.  
          “I’m going to find Heero,” Duo decided.  
          “Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow, then, don’t worry about anything, ok, kiddo,” Treize ruffled the boy’s hair and was relieved to find a small smile on Duo’s face.  
   
   
            
   
          “Duo!”   
          The violet eyed boy swore as he heard Wufei call his name.  
          ‘What _now_?!’ he couldn’t help but think. He had no idea where Heero was or if Une had brought him to Treize’s office yet, but after the long, emotional day, he just wanted to go home and retreat to his room. Why was Wufei even at school this late anyway? He spun and glared at Wufei as he ran towards him.  
          “What?!” he snapped, feeling a bit guilty as the Chinese boy flinched. Wufei fidgeted under the longhaired boy’s stare.  
          “I just… I want to apologize,” he explained, “I’m sorry for how I treated you, chasing you around, but I was desperate! I know that’s no excuse, but I was. I thought that if I just kept at it, I could make you love me, even if it made me look like an idiot. I’m sorry for what I said at the hospital. I was angry and confused and said something really horrible about something I didn’t understand. I’m still attracted to you. I mean, you’re really beautiful, but… I realized that you’re not the one I really love. There’s someone I care about a lot, but I can’t see him anymore. I shouldn’t have transferred those feelings onto you. Mostly… I’m sorry for what happened to you. That man should be burning hell right now, not walking around as a free man. There’s no justice in what happened to you, but I still want him to pay. I’m sorry that you had to lose your innocence.”  
   
   
          Heero paused as he heard Duo and Wufei talking. He had spent the last couple of hours wandering around the school aimlessly, not wanting to be too far from Duo if something happened. The fear of Wes coming for Duo was too real in his mind and he kept remembering the panic attacks Duo had suffered in the hospital when he had been left alone. He really wished that Duo had accepted his mother’s offer for a cell phone; it would have helped his nerves a lot. At the end of the two hours Duo had told him to wait, he had gone to Treize’s office, only, to his surprise, to find it empty. Fortunately, he hadn’t had to walk far before he had heard Duo’s voice. He felt a little angry that Wufei had waited here until he could corner Duo, but realized that the apology was necessary for both Wufei and Duo. Also, Wufei’s confession that he wasn’t _really_ in love with Duo was a godsend for Heero’s heart. He knew that he probably didn’t have a chance with Duo, but now that he no longer had a rival, it made things hurt just a tiny bit less.  
          “You’re forgiven,” he heard Duo say, “And I told you before, I’d be glad to be your friend. As annoying and stubborn as you are, you’re still a better person than most of my other classmates and I think that I could like you if you stopped acting so weird towards me.”  
          Heero took the chance to peek around the corner of the hallway that was successfully hiding him and saw Duo smile bitterly, the expression tearing at his heart. He really hated that smile sometimes.   
          “But, you’re wrong about my innocence. I was never meant for butterflies, Wufei. I was always dirty.”  
          Duo’s words made Heero feel sick inside and he wanted to protest and tell Duo that he wasn’t dirty, not now, not ever, but he waited for Wufei to leave before he approached them.  
   
   
          Duo looked over at Heero in shock as he appeared around the corner and he realized that he had been listening to him and Wufei. He replayed their conversation in his head, but couldn’t find anything that would cause Heero to look so sad.  
          “Heero, I was looking for you!” Duo exclaimed.   
          “You know,” Heero said, “innocence is for sentimental fools and children, you’re meant for something much more beautiful.”  
          Duo blushed deeply at his words and even deeper as Heero grabbed his hand, not letting go as he led him out the door.  
   
   
          Duo and Heero came home to find, to Duo’s annoyance, that Treize had called Name and told her what Williams had said to him. Both Heero and Name were understandably pissed off, especially since Treize had told her that Williams had not threatened Duo, so there was nothing that he could do besides give Williams a warning. Name was even more pissed when she had learned that Duo had had a panic attack because of the man, but Duo’s assurance that he didn’t really believe what the man had said had gone a long way to soothing Heero and his mother’s anger. Duo had made Name promise not to retaliate and that had promptly ended the matter, letting the small, strange family to sit down to a peaceful, home cooked meal.  
   
   
          The next day wasn’t much different from the previous. Duo and Heero went to school early so Duo could pick up his history assignment from Treize and walked to their first class, meeting Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei along the way. Duo was nervous about his history homework. Treize had assured him that he had to hand in his homework to him, not Williams, but it was still a lot of work and Duo had worried that Williams wouldn’t give him his make-up wok, but he would have been in serious trouble if he had refused to help Duo catch up. Duo felt like a coward, being scared of a teacher and didn’t want to cower from the man. So, even when Williams skipped over Duo in class and called on him when they spoke about things he had missed, calling him an idiot when he didn’t know the answer, he pretended that it didn’t hurt.   
            
          Heero grit his teeth when he heard Williams call Duo a moron. The class was brutal, everyone knew that Williams was cruelly signaling Duo out, but no one was doing anything about it. Heero had never seen a student being bullied y a teacher before. He had beat up a few teachers in his years, but he had never had such an urge to hurt a teacher before. He watched Duo stay strong through it and decided to stay strong, too.  
   
   
          Duo patiently waited after his music class for Heero to come out of his metal shop class. The day, with the exception of History, had passed by rather quickly. Having lunch with his four friends had been the perfect balm before dealing with Williams. There had been a delay for some reason, but Trowa and Quatre were moving back in with them Friday and he felt rather excited about that. He just had to survive the huge amount of make up work he had to do for Williams that was weighing down his book bag first.  
          “Duo?” a soft voice said from behind him. Duo turned and smiled at Nurse Po.  
          “Hi, Ms. Po,” he greeted. The woman seemed to want to look away from him, but she held his gaze. When she realized that he wasn’t going to snap at her, she relaxed.  
          “I’m not bothering you, am I?”   
          Duo shook his head.  
          “I’m just waiting for a friend.”  
          Sally sighed deeply, gathering her courage.  
          “I’m really sorry for what I did. I knew you were being hurt and I kept quiet about because I was too much of a coward,” she said bitterly, “because of me, you were hurt and your life was in danger. That’s in excusable, especially for a person in my position.”  
          Duo tried to smile assuredly at her.  
          “I’m not going to lie and say that it’s ok, because it isn’t,” he said and Sally looked crestfallen, “Your choice did hurt me and it is your job to help people, but I don’t lame you for making that choice. If I believed that it was your fault, even though your life was in danger, I’d have to believe everyone who’s ever said it was my fault for being abused, just because I was too afraid to fight back and I don’t want to believe in that anymore. Someone threatened your life and you were cared and, as much as I was a bit bitter at you for not doing anything, I understand how scary being in that position is. You protected yourself and you’re alive because of it. If anyone calls you weak for doing that, they obviously don’t get it. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is protect yourself. Or at least, that’s what people keep telling me,” Duo said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. Sally smiled softly at him.  
          “I’m glad to see that you are alright and I am really sorry.”  
          Duo nodded.  
          “I forgive you,” he told her, watching as she walked away, not hearing Heero come up behind him.  
          “What did she want?” he asked. Duo was very proud of himself that he didn’t show how startled he was by jumping. He shrugged.  
          “She wanted to know how I was feeling. The last time I had seen her, I was really sick,” he explained. It wasn’t a total lie and he didn’t want Heero to know about what had happened between him and Sally. He was already scared about Heero going after Williams, he didn’t need to add another name to Heero’s growing black list.  
          Suddenly, Heero’s eyes narrowed and he growled low in his throat like a dog. Duo turned and saw Zechs, just as tall and imposing as he had always been, and clearly unaffected by the chaos he had caused, walking out of one of the classrooms with some other sophomores. Duo watched him carefully, realizing that he hadn’t really seen or thought of Zechs since he and his friend had tricked him.  
          “I’m going to fucking kill him!” Heero snarled, making a lunge for the silver haired bully, but Duo grabbed his arm and held him back. Considering how weak Duo still was, Heero could have easily broken from his grip, but he let Duo hold him back.  
          “Heero, don’t!” Duo pleaded.  
          “Why?!” the Japanese boy snapped, but didn’t make another go for the other boy.  
          “He hurt you, raped you, he’s the reason why I found out in the first place, _why_ shouldn’t I beat the shit out of him?!”   
          “But it turned out for the best,” Duo pointed out, “If you hadn’t found out, all that other stuff wouldn’t have happened. Yes, it hurts and I’ll always hate him for what he did, but in the end, I ended up safe and with you, didn’t I? He may have made my life in school a living hell, but I’m _done_ with him. I can live without getting revenge on Zechs, but I can’t live without you!”   
          Heero looked into Duo’s frantic, deep violet eyes and saw the anguish there. He realized that his friend was right. If he beat up Zechs, he would be expelled and Zechs would win. More than that, he would end up hurting Duo. Duo needed him and he wasn’t going to do _anything_ to take that away from him, no matter how good beating Zechs Merquise to a pulp would feel. He also didn’t want to leave Duo in the school alone with Zechs for any reason. He wouldn’t take Duo out of the hands of one rapist and put him in another. He knew that Duo could defend himself, but he often didn’t and that scared him.  
          “Alright, no going after Zechs,” Heero agreed, “but I’m only doing it because it would upset you.”  
          Duo blushed. Zechs noticed them and he smirked smugly at Heero. Heero flipped him off and felt quite smug himself as Zechs’ smirk disappeared to a look of anger. Heero threw his arm across Duo’s shoulder in a silent statement that he wasn’t going to let anything happen and Duo wasn’t Zechs’ property, not now, not ever. Intense fury filled Zechs’ eyes. Heero’s arm tingled at feeling Duo’s form. Duo blushed deeply at the contact, feeling the warmth from Heero’s body warm his as well. His violet eyes met Zechs’ icy ones and he froze.  
   
   
          _Three years ago_  
  
  
 _Duo lounged in the hallow end of the school pool. It was spring which meant that the sixth and seventh graders and to take swimming for gym class. They had been at it for three weeks now and when they had started, Duo had been terrified. Though he lived in Maine, he had never swum or even seen a body of water larger than a pond and it scared him. He also didn’t want anyone to know that he didn’t know how to swim, mostly because all of his other classmates had learned when they were toddlers. However, if there was one thing that he was good at, besides giving blowjobs, it was picking something up very quickly. Just by watching his classmates, he had learned the art of not drowning in a day, but he still preferred staying the shallow end, it made him feel safer._  
 _That first day faced with the huge pool, Duo had been scared about taking his t-shirt off, but the teacher had forced him. To his shock, no one, not even the teacher, said anything about his scars. He wondered if anyone had even noticed them. He was just glad that the teacher had told him **not** to take his hair down. He found that he really did enjoy the water. It felt like he was floating and it made the pains he usually had go away. Unlike his other classmates that raced and dove in the pool, he was content to just float peacefully. He did so now, closing his eyes and letting the world pass him by._  
 _“What’s the matter, fairy, all these half naked men not enticing enough for you?” a cruel, jeering voice sneered, breaking him out of his relaxed state. He tried to swim away, but Zechs grabbed him and whatever horrible insult he had to say was lost and garbled as the tall boy dunked his head under the water. Duo’s arms flailed, trying to get purchase of something and scraped against the rough side of the pool, the chlorine stinging the cuts that were now slowly bleeding into the water. Despite being in the shallow end and his feet touching the bottom of the pool, Zechs had a large, firm hand on his head, keeping him submerged and making it impossible for him to get his head above water. He thrashed, trying to get Zechs away from him but the older boy was relentless, keeping Duo under the water for an entire minute until Duo’s oxygen starved body tried to breathe and he swallowed water._  
 _Pure luck had Zechs release him at that precise moment and Duo latched onto the edge of the pool, pulling his body up,. He coughed and sputtered violently, throwing up water. His bleary eyes found the teacher’s, but the man just looked away and didn’t say a word as Zechs swam off to join one of the races and Duo clung to the pool, half out of the water limply, breathing harshly, his cuts stinging in the brutal sun._  
  
  
  
 _Three months later_  
  
  
 _Duo ran as fast as he could from the silver haired boy chasing him. He turned corner after corner past teachers and other students. He made it halfway to the nurse’s office before Zechs grabbed his legs and slammed him to the floor. Duo gasped as the air rushed out of his lungs._  
 _“What’s the matter, bitch, don’t you think that you would look gorgeous with some earrings” Zechs teased, a black stapler in his hand. People, adults and kids alike, had started to gather around them with interest._  
 _“Don’t touch me!” Duo yelled, but Zechs only grinned._  
 _Duo shrieked in pain as the staple pierced his ear. He cried, curling up into a ball, clutching at his ear as blood dripped down his neck. He heard Zechs laughing through his pain._   
   
   
          Duo broke Zechs’ gaze and lightly touched the small, white scar on his left earlobe.   
          “You ok?” Heero asked, worried about the faraway look in his eye. Duo nodded and walked towards the library, not looking back at Zechs.    
   
          Heero left Duo to his history work to roam the halls again. Duo had tried to convince him not to stick around like he had yesterday, but Heero refused to leave, giving the excuse that it would be  waste of gas, though they both knew that he was fooling no one. As Heero wandered the halls, he decided that he would need to get a hobby, maybe he could stay in the library and pretend that he was reading a book while he watched Duo, though that seemed a bit too… stalker-like, even for him. He loved watching Duo without all the guarding Duo did when he knew that someone was watching him, but he would probably die of embarrassment if he was ever caught, and if he _was_ caught, he would have to stop doing it, which was unacceptable.  
          Heero noticed twin footsteps with his own and turned, stopping his stride as he saw Treize approach him.  
          “Hello, Mr. Yuy,” Treize greeted. Heero sighed.  
          “Am I in trouble, sir?” He asked wearily. In his lifetime, he had never been approached by an authority figure over something good.  
          “Don’t worry, Yuy,” Treize said with an amused smirk, “for once, you _aren’t_ in trouble.”  
          Heero gave him a petulant look.   
          “I just wanted to tell you that I think it’s really great that you and your mother have decided to take Duo in and take care of him.”  
          Heero shrugged, not used to the praise and feeling just a little bit uncomfortable.  
          “It’s no big deal. He’s my best friend and he was in trouble.”  
          “That doesn’t mean much to a lot of people,” Treize pointed out, “not a lot of people would be able to get over what happened to him and even fewer would want to deal with it on a regular basis. Duo needs a read friend right now and you’re giving it to him. It’s very admirable.”  
          “He’s my best friend,” Heero repeated, “and, like you said, he needed me. What’s so hard about that?”  
          Treize smiled as Heero turned and continued down the hall.  
   
          Heero walked in what felt like a giant circle, going through each hallway over and over, keeping an eye on his watch. When he reached the teacher’s lounge for the third time, he heard Williams’ voice and paused.  
          “I’m just saying that I don’t see why he bothered to show his face here again,” the history teacher was saying. Heero’s blood turned cold and anger made his heart pound as he realized that he was talking about Duo. He stood in front of the open doorway, not caring if he was seen, though Williams didn’t notice him there. Williams was talking to another male teacher, one that Heero didn’t recognize, but was nodding at what Williams was saying.  
          “He should have just kept his mouth shut about the rape and taken it like a man, _quietly_ and _bravely_ ,” Williams said with a snort, “I mean, really, it’s shameful to all of us to have to hear that crap! No one _wants_ to hear it!”   
          Heero couldn’t take one more hateful word and strode into the teacher’s lounge, shoving Williams hard enough to make him stumble. The other teacher watched Heero with wide eyes and back away from him.  
          “What the-,” Williams snapped, “damn kid, get the hell out of here!”   
          Heero, not intimidated by the man, shoved him again, harder, and Williams swore as he banged his ankle into a cabinet behind him.  
          “If someone doesn’t like something,” Heero snarled, pining Williams to the cabinet so he couldn’t run away, “they should say so, be it corrupt politicians or discrimination or rape! It’s their _basic human right_! Isn’t that what you Americans are always preaching, that people in this country have the right to stand up and say ‘no’?! You’re a fucking _teacher_! How can you not respect, not _understand_ something so simple as another human being’s rights?! You’re just disgusting as that… man,” Heero spat, “disregarding someone’s _right_ to say no!” he let go of Williams and took a step back. The other teacher looked away from Heero in embarrassment and, Heero hoped, shame.  
          “Respecting others as humans is more important than anything else you could possibly teach,” he murmured and stalked out of the room before he let his anger take control of him and to hide the tears that desperately wanted to spill form his eyes.  
   
   
          Duo lay wide awake, unable to sleep. He had been sleeping shockingly well lately, so it was annoying that it was one in the morning and he was still wide awake. After, somehow, managing to complete his history make up work, to Williams’ annoyance, he was tired, but his mind just wouldn’t shut off. He was thinking, oddly, not of Wes or Zechs or even Heero but his cats. Toby, Shiva, Sammy, Angel, Cassy, Patches, and Cotton… he wondered if they were ok. He hadn’t seen them in weeks and he as terribly worried. He knew that it was silly, he had a _human_ family now, but for the longest time, his feline one was all that he had. He remembered that night, when he had been raped and the black cat that had kept him from going insane or killing himself. He had a woman and boy that cared about him now, but he still missed their tiny, warm bodies and yearned to feel their soft fur, hear their comforting, familiar mewls. He turned on his side, curling into a ball under the covers. He felt like he had abandoned them. He knew that he had had no choice at the time. He had been sick and hurt and now he couldn’t take them with him anymore.  
          Duo didn’t know why Name and Heero didn’t have any pets, they could have allergies or didn’t like animals or didn’t have the patience for a pet, but no matter what the reason, he felt like he couldn’t ask to pick up his little furry family. He already had so much and he was too afraid to ask for anything no matter how much he wanted it. He also didn’t think that Name would approve of seven little beasts roaming her beautiful home. Still, he could imagine how happy they would be, even Toby, in his comfy bed. Name had picked up one stray cat, so why did all the others have to be cold and hungry when he was warm and full? It wasn’t fair and he couldn’t help but feel guilty about abandoning them like that. He sighed and rolled out of bed. Pulling on a pair of jeans and a warm sweater, he went downstairs, grabbing his newly bought winter jacket. He had fifty dollars in his jeans pocket, though he knew that he wouldn’t need all of it. Name had given it to him in case he ever needed it and she wasn’t there. He had tried to refuse the allowance at first, but she had made it clear that she didn’t want him walking around with no money and he could either never leave the house alone or take the money. He put on his sneakers and listened carefully, but he only heard silence. He opened the door and closed it behind him as quietly as he could, alone for the first time, ignoring the frantic, terrified beating of his heart.  
   
   
          When Heero went to wake Duo up the next morning, he paused outside the door at the sound of crying. He quietly opened the door and entered the room. Duo was hidden under the heavy blankets and Heero gently brought them down. His longhaired friend was curled up into a tight little ball, wearing his sneakers and clothes. His eyes were tightly closed and he was sobbing, a terrible gut wrenching sound, dark circles under his eyes.  
          “Duo, what’s wrong” he asked in alarm, sitting at the edge of the bed. Duo blinked up at him, his eyes blood shot and tired and Heero realized that he hadn’t slept.  
          “Heero?” Duo murmured, rubbing uselessly at his eyes, even as more tears streamed down his cheeks.  
          “What’s wrong?” Heero repeated, brushing Duo’s messy bangs out of his eyes. Duo sniffed, trying to get himself under control, but it didn’t work.  
          “I-I don’t know,” he said looking lost in his tears and messy hair, “I just feel so… bad…”  
          “Depressed?” Heero tried to translate and his heart clenched as Duo nodded.  
          “I had a panic attack last night,” Duo whispered as though it was a horrible secret, but didn’t elaborate or tell Heero about his venturing outside and back onto the streets by himself, “after that… I just can’t stop crying.”  
          “Do you want a hug?” Heero asked softly, not wanting to touch the boy without his permission.  
          “Don’t ask me that,” Duo murmured. Heero felt another painful clench around his heart.  
          “Alright,” Heero said, feeling depressed himself at being shot down. Duo shook his head.  
          “N-no, I mean you don’t have to ask, ever. Yes, I’d like a hug,” Duo sat up. The pain in Heero’s heart lifted and he wrapped his arms around his friend, rubbing his slim back. Duo hugged him back tightly. They staid like that for several minutes as Duo finally got his rampant emotions under control. Heero felt hot, feeling Duo’s wonderful body in his arms. He loved him so much, his heart burned with it, but he could never speak those words to him. It, mostly, was not because he was afraid of being rejected or scaring Duo away with his homosexuality, it was because of all that had happened. Duo had had enough stress in his life; he didn’t need his best friend confessing to be in love with him on top of everything else. It was like Treize had said; Duo needed him, just as much, if not more, than Heero needed him. In moments like this, when he could feel Duo’s soft heat and feel him shaking pressed against him, he felt that he _could_ tell him, but it was Duo’s tears and how tightly he was hugging him back that mad e him keep silent. He stroked his long silken hair and opened his mouth to suggest that they skip school for the day. Duo was too tired, stretched too thin, and he probably needed a day off, but Duo pulled away before he could say anything, rubbing roughly at his red eyes.   
          “Thanks, Heero, but we better get going or we’ll be late.”  
          Heero sighed heavily and let Duo get off the bed and go into the bathroom. He went downstairs for breakfast, ignoring how hot his chest felt and how his heart was still beating wildly.  
          “Hey, Mom,” he greeted Name as she stood at the counter making coffee. She nodded at him, still not quite awake. Heero poured himself some cereal and at the table, but just ended up staring at the bowl, thinking.   
          His entire life, he had known, more like expected, really, that he would pick up his mother’s responsibilities at the company when he turned 25. He had always used this fate as an excuse not to try harder at school or show any initiative to seek out another career. It had been his fall back, his destiny; he had accepted that a long time ago. He had no real business sense and had never paid attention when his mother had tried to explain how the company operated, but he supposed that he would just pick things up as he went. He thought about what had happened to Duo, how he had been raped and abused and how no one had helped him. Even now, if he went to the police, they wouldn’t really do what was best for him. Catching the bad guy, even if he went to jail, wasn’t justice. There really wasn’t a true justice with something like this. What had been done to Duo could never be undone; he would always remember and be haunted by his past, no matter what happened to Wes. The government would just shove Duo into some foster home or orphanage like a bad secret where he would be neglected, not given the affection and care that he needed in order to heal. At his age and with his history, it was highly unlikely that Duo would ever be adopted and if he was, it would probably be by someone who wouldn’t understand him or what he went through. If it was his destiny to take hold of the Yuy Corporation, couldn’t he make the best of it? There were other kids like Duo out there, beaten and starving, and who had nowhere to turn. If he had to control his family’s business, he didn’t want to just make business deals and accumulate more wealth, he wanted to help people like they were helping Duo now.  
          “Heero, stop staring at your food and eat already!” Name scolded, taking a large gulp of her coffee, and you have a doctor’s appointment after school.”  
          Heero groaned loudly and she glared back at him.  
          “Don’t give me that, Heero, it’s just a check-up. Besides, cold season is coming, so if you don’t go now, I won’t be able to get another appointment for months.”  
          Heero rolled his eyes.  
          “Like _that’s_ something to worry about,” he muttered grumpily. He _hated_ going to the doctor’s.  
          “Duo will have to get a different ride home since I’ll be in Boston,” she said to herself, thinking.  
          “That’s ok, I can just walk home,” Duo said as he walked into the kitchen.  
          “Absolutely not!” Name said sternly before Heero could even open his mouth to protest.  
          “But it’s not even a mile,” Duo pointed out, “I can make it back here on foot.”  
          Name shook her head.  
          “No is no, Duo, It’s too cold out there with your anemia to be walking around. I don’t care if that’s how you did it before or if you’ve lived on the streets during this climate, it’s no reason to risk things now and there is no way I’m letting you walk around town by yourself with that… man still out there! Name’s tone was stern, but her eyes were soft with worry.  
          “Just call a taxi,” Heero offered.  
          “I’m not calling a goddamn taxi for a five minute drive, Heero!” Duo snapped, “Besides, Wes probably knows where I am and if he had any intention of trying to get me back, he would have made a move already! He has a lot of powerful people in his pocket and he’s not stupid. He knows when he’s beaten. Besides, there’s no way he’d mess with you guys, so he’d wait until you two were on vacation before making a move. If he didn’t understand that, he could snatch me from a taxi just as easily as off the street,” Duo said heatedly.  
          “You’ll take the bus,” Name said firmly. Heero wanted to protest, but Duo nodded and gave Heero an annoyed look.  
          “You can’t keep me in a plastic bubble my whole life.”  
          “I can try,” Heero grumbled.  
          “I’ll give you money for the bus and a spare key to the house,” Name told Duo, “now, let’s stop arguing and enjoy breakfast.  
          As the three rushed out of the house for work and school, none of them saw the limousine pulling up the street.   
   
   
   
          Duo had ridden the public bus when meeting johns a few times, so it wasn’t a big deal getting a ride home. He only panicked a couple of times namely when an elderly gentleman had sat next to him, close enough that their arms had touched. He knew it was silly to be afraid of an old man, but he hadn’t just catered to men middle aged or less and the man had made him feel uncomfortable. Tings had gotten bad when the bus had hit a bump and the man fell onto him but he had managed to keep from having a full fledged panic attack.  
          As Duo made it to the house, he briefly took note of the limousine parked across the street, but didn’t think anything of it. In the past, for his won safety, he would have wanted to check it out, but right now it wasn’t bothering him, he just walked by it and used his key to open the front door.  
          Duo had enough time to put away his back pack and read the sweet note from Name in the kitchen that told him to have a fun day and help himself to some of the pudding in the refrigerator before someone knocked on the door. He immediately went on alert. He was quite sure that it wasn’t Treize this time, but he wasn’t quite as scared as he had been that day, just cautious and opened the door. Whatever he might have expected to be at the door, an exquisitely beautiful blonde girl with blue eyes like fine crystal was not one of them. Everything about the girl was high class, her hundred thousand dollar blue dress and shoes, the diamond ring on her finger, her perfect, Barbie doll figure, her pale and equally perfect complexion and facial features that surpassed those of a super model, her manicured nails, even the way she somehow managed to look down her nose at him, despite the fact that they were almost exactly the same height. If Duo had been straight, he would have fallen for her on the spot, but he wasn’t and he only felt dirty and insignificant standing in front of her.  
          “Do you have any idea whose house this is?” she demanded in an elegant British accent. Duo mused that if Disney princesses were real, this girl would be among them. That was what she reminded him of, a British princess. He realized that her question wasn’t really a question, but a threat. He wanted to run off and to call Name, their eyes meeting in a violent clash and he felt very scared of whatever it was burning in the girl’s stare, but he stayed strong and nodded. The girl’s condescending look strengthened and she appeared disgusted at both his appearance and gall.  
          “Then you also must know that _the most powerful family_ in the _world_ will do to you when they discover that you’re breaking into their house! Who are you anyway?”  
          Duo froze under her accusing gaze. Just who was he anyway? He had asked himself that very same question every since he had started to live here. He was Heero’s best friend, but was there more to that? He wasn’t a son or a brother or even simply a house guest, or at least he hoped that Heero and Name didn’t see him that way. He was more like a stray cat that they were trying to domesticate. He had the distinct feeling that it he told this girl even a fraction of the truth, she would disembowel him, then call the cops. So, he lied. It wasn’t that hard, he had been doing it fr so long, it came naturally to him.  
          “I’m a friend of Heero’s. His mother gave me the key to the house. I’m supposed to come over here after school since they won’t be home for another hour,” he said. The girl made a small snorting noise that somehow managed to sound elegant and flicked her long hair over her shoulder.  
          “So, in other words, you’re nobody.”  
          Duo blinked at the girl as she pushed past him and strode into the house. He was shocked by her intrusion, but quickly shook himself out of it and chased after her. He found her in the kitchen, looking around with a disappointed expression.  
          “Who are you?” Duo demanded. He debated the pros and cons of calling the cops on the girl, but decided that, if he couldn’t even deal with one petit girl, he had hit a pretty low point.  
          “My name is Relena Peacecraft,” the girl said haughtily, “you’ve probably heard of me.”  
          Duo stared at her blankly and had to struggle not to smile as she blushed darkly, but quickly composed herself again.  
          “I’m Heero’s fiancé,” she said with a smirk, holding out her hand so Duo could see the diamond ring on her ring finger more clearly.  
   
          Agony ripped through Duo’s heart sharply and his vision went gray for a second, the color bleeding from him. He found himself looking in the girl’s eyes and knew that she was telling truth. Heero was going to get married? His vision swam with tears that wanted to be released, but he refused to give the girl the satisfaction. At that moment, he didn’t know what hurt more, that Heero had a fiancé, or that Heero hadn’t ever told him, but his stomach tightened and churned painfully and he wanted to throw up. As much as it hurt, that Heero was engaged to this beautiful, high class girl wasn’t a shock. She was every straight man’s dream come true, of course Heero would want to marry her. It struck him hard; his Heero had never been his at all. All this time, he had been this woman’s… He wanted to laugh at his own stupidity. Of course Heero had never been his, as much as he had wanted him to be. He had always known that he would only be a good friend in Heero’s eyes, so why did this hurt so much? Why was the act of containing his tears so damn hard?  
          Relena watched the strange boy struggle with her news and her smirk grew. She didn’t know what his relationship was with Heero, but there was something about him that she hated. He was very pretty with a punkish look, his jagged bangs, worn eyes, and body that looked perfectly suited for jeans and leather, but his violet eyes and pale skin, not to mention his silky hair, gave him a sort of ethereal beauty, yet there was still something about him that she couldn’t put her finger on…  
          “Well, it doesn’t really matter if you know me or not,” Relena said, “I simply don’t have time to chat with servants. I’m sure I can find Heero’s room on my own.”  
          Relena tried to get past Duo again, but he slammed his hand on the door frame, blocking her exit. Relena’s blue eyes widened as though she couldn’t believe he had done that.  
          “Does Name know you’re here?” he asked in a clipped voice. He felt anger mix with his anguish and create a sickening emotion he had never felt before.  
          “Excuse me?” Relena asked, her face growing hot with anger. No one had ever been so disrespectful to her before!  
          “I mean, if you really are engaged to Heero, Name must know you’re here, or are you the one entering her house without permission?” Duo demanded. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this angry and was scared of it at the same time he relished the new found strength, as dark as it was.   
          “Don’t you dare call Mrs. Yuy that!” Relena hissed. She and Heero had been engaged for two years and his mother had never let her call her by her first name!  
          Duo narrowed his eyes at her.  
          “I’m allowed to call her that, in fact, she insists on it.”  
          Relena’s hands curled into fists.  
          “Does she know that you’re have or not?” Duo pressed. Fiancé or not, she was still an invader in the only true home he had ever known, his sanctuary, and he wanted her gone.  
          “No, but she doesn’t _need_ to know. I can come and go without her permission. That’s why I’m here, to surprise them.”  
          “And you need to go into Heero’s room to do that?” Duo asked, not believing her story.  
          “It’s none of your business!”  
          Duo’s grip on the door frame tightened.  
          “Get the fuck out of here,” Duo ordered, his voice low and quiet, but it made Relena take a step back and her eyes widened.  
          “Excuse me, _what_ did you just say?”  
          “I said ‘get the fuck out’. I don’t care why you’re here, you’re the one breaking in, not me. You don’t have permission to be here, not from Name and not from me, so _get out_.”  
          Relena laughed at the absurdity of the scrawny boy telling her what to do.  
          “No, I don’t think I will. It’s not like you can just _make_ me leave!” she pointed out. As much of a brute as this boy was, he wouldn’t hurt her, not _her_.   
          Duo sighed and, with his other hand, he picked up the phone on the counter next to him and started to dial.  
          “Who are you calling, the police Do you honestly think that they can help you?”  
          “No” Duo said calmly, “I’m calling Name. I’m sure she’d want to know your reasons for being here.”  
          Relena paled as they both realized that Duo now had the upper hand.  
          “Fine,” she conceded with some illusion of pride, “I only wanted to speak to Heero anyway, but since he’s not here, there’s no reason for me to stay,” she said as if leaving had been her idea all along. Duo let go of the door frame, allowing her to pass, but he followed her to the door. Relena gave him one last dirty look before she left. Duo closed the door, locked it, and keyed in the password to turn on the security system, just in case. It felt so stupid to be afraid of a girl, but it made him feel better having the security system and locked door between him and her. He had been lucky, really lucky, he realized. She was obviously wealthy and powerful and it had only been her fear of Name that had kept her from squashing him like a bug.  
          Duo took two deep breaths and all but ran to his bedroom, locking the door behind him. He slid down the door and sat on the carpet. He wrapped his arms around his knees, becoming a tight, miserable ball. He finally let his tears fall and he was shocked by the amount he had to shed. His heart pounded and clenched inside of him. He had always been waiting for something to happen. Things had been too good and he _never_ got to keep anything so good. Still, the news that Heero was going to get married hurt too much. How far away was the wedding, years, months, weeks, even? Why hadn’t Name and Heero told him? Why wasn’t Relena living with Heero? If he had Heero’s love, he would never want to be apart from him. He didn’t have it now, but he still hated being away from him. He had told Heero everything about himself, but he didn’t know that much about Heero. He had thought that one day Heero would return the gesture, but Relena’s invasion into his life had forced him to ask, what else was Heero not telling him? Feelings of betrayal and loneliness threatened to overwhelm him. Was this what Heero had felt when he had found out that he was a whore It was a terrible feeling. It felt like his insides were tearing apart and the tears still wouldn’t stop. Eventually, the silent tears became sobs and Duo buried his face in his arms. He had always believed that he would never have a chance with Heero, but he had had his dreams. Now, he knew that, not only did he like girls, he was getting married! His dreams were gone and that hurt so badly.   
          Crying there on the floor, he felt pathetic, like a broken coward. It seemed like all he was doing lately was wallowing in self pity. So what if the dream was gone, what use were dreams to him? But, maybe that was why it hurt so badly, it had been his first real _dream_ , the mere possibility that Heero could fall for him. He wanted stop feeling. He wanted to break something. Instead, he walked to the bathroom to wash the tears from his face.  
   
   
          Heero came home while Duo was in the shower and waited for him to come into the kitchen. When Duo finally made an appearance, he said ‘hi’, but after that, couldn’t look Heero in the eye and acted skittish. His eyes were red and he acted subdued, Heero could tell that he had been crying and with the way that Duo was avoiding him, it was something bad. Heero watched as Duo grabbed things from the cupboard to start dinner with. It was probably going to be spaghetti. Name was teaching him how to cook, but the whole thing was an alien concept to Duo and the only thing he could make with confidence, or at least without asking Name ‘is this right’ at least five times, was anything with pasta in it. Fortunately, what Duo _did_ understand and could make turned out well, just like anything else he learned. Heero watched him carefully, taking note of how tense he looked, as though he wanted to run.  
          “What’s wrong?” he finally asked and saw Duo flinch.   
          “There’s nothing wrong,” the longhaired boy denied, but Heero wasn’t buying it.  
          “Are you still mad about this morning? I know that I’m acting a little bit over protective, but I finally just got you back and I’ll do _anything_ to make sure that you stay and that evil man never gets his hands on you again, even if that means you have to be mad at me,” Heero said. Duo closed his eyes at the sweet words, feeling his tears want to form in his eyes, but he had cried enough today already. _This_ was how Heero was. It didn’t make sense to him, Heero keeping his engagement a secret. In the hospital, he had promised that he would never leave him. Would he really go back on that promise now? He still needed him! Of course, that wasn’t fair to Heero. He would always need him, but he couldn’t hold onto him forever. Still even though Heero had never told him about Relena, Duo didn’t think there was any malicious intent behind it. There had to be a good reason behind it. Duo just didn’t really want to know what it was. But, for as hurt as he was at Heero not sharing such a huge part of his life, he wasn’t angry at him. He was a bit annoyed at Heero’s overprotective behavior, and hurt over the engagement, but he wasn’t mad, never mad. He was angry at Relena for intruding into his life and destroying his dreams, he was mad at himself for having those dreams in the first place, hell, he was even mad at Wes for creating a situation where he would need such dreams to have a small glimmer of happiness in his life, but he wasn’t made at Heero.  
          “I’m not mad at you, Heero,” he said with a small smile. Heero relaxed.  
          “Then what’s wrong?” he repeated, “Why are you avoiding me?”  
          Duo had to look away again. He wanted to pretend that the last twenty-four hours had never happened, but he also wanted Heero to tell him the truth. He sighed. Their friendship had survived because of trust. His lies to Heero had almost destroyed them, he wouldn’t let this finish the job.  
          “Earlier today,” he started, but the sound of the doorbell interrupted him.  
          “Hold that thought,” Heero said, running to answer the door. Somehow, even before Heero opened the door, even before he spoke, Duo knew who it was.  
          “What are you doing here, Relena?”  
  
End Part 7


	16. The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero comes clean to Duo about his engagement with Relena. Relena plots to get Duo out of Heero's life.

 The Road to Kindness  
 Chapter 6  
 Part 8  
   
          Three years ago, Relena had been the happiest that she had ever been. Her parents had been together and she had been engaged, ready to marry in only a few years. Her fiancé had been her best friend of two years, now five years, Heero Yuy. Her father’s business had been failing and he had wanted to combine his business with the Yuy’s. Though the Peacecraft family was descendent from British royalty, her father had been too proud to touch the family finances, saying that relying on old money was no longer the way of the world. Unfortunately, the only way to create an equal partnership would be through marriage and her father had wanted her to marry her only friend. Name Yuy had refused the proposal, not wanting to offer her son up as a sacrifice for business, but Heero had wanted to help her and her family and had proposed to her. But, three years ago, something horrible had happened. Heero, for a reason that Relena hadn’t understood, had broken the whole thing off, saying that she was too ‘clingy’. After that, Heero and his mother had moved away and she had spent the last two years chasing him around the world until now, when it looked like she was finally going to catch up with him.  
          Relena laid her head against the cool glass of the limousine. Shortly after Heero had called off the wedding, Mrs. Yuy had discovered that Relena’s father had been stealing money from their company and had severed all business contracts with the Peacecraft family. When her mother had found out, she had pushed for a divorce. There had been no love lost between Relena’s parents. Her mother had taken her older brother and moved to America and her father had remarried. Since then, her father’s business had continued to struggle and they were now relying on that old money that her father had not wanted to use. She had not understood his reluctance to use it and had hated him for it, but after hearing rumors of her father’s inability to be a ‘man’ and have a well paying job to help his wealthy family, she understood that it was a reputation issue. She still hated him for it, though. It was because of him that she wasn’t married to the one she loved more than anything in the world, she was pretty sure of that. Sitting next to Relena in the limousine was her little half sister, Annabelle. Relena had only learned of her existence after the divorce, but she had quickly learned that her father had been having an affair when he had remarried with his mistress. But, she didn’t care about that right now. Relena was finally going to see her fiancé, she still considered him that since she had never agreed to the break up and knew that as soon as she could see Heero, they would be able to work things out, but she was still being reminded of her past problems. She couldn’t stop thinking about that boy she had met earlier. He had been pretty in a way that some boys could be pretty without losing their masculinity, but she was sure that he wasn’t a threat. Heero wasn’t some nasty fag who would do something dirty with some pretty gutter trash. Relena was sure that that was what the boy was. He spoke proper English like a foreigner would, carefully, as though it wasn’t his first language and he was scared of making a mistake. He wore good clothes and behind those scared, shielded eyes was a strong spark of intelligence, but Relena could recognize trash when she saw it. Heero was refined, classy; he would never lower himself to that level, even if that boy had been a girl. Besides, he loved her. She realized now that she had made a mistake when she had visited the house earlier. She had been sure that the boy would be attracted her and intimidated by her name and would let her do as she wished. Obviously, the boy was an idiot and a low class one at that, she should have just offered him some money, then he would have folded easily. Still, she was positive that he wasn’t a threat, a mystery, yes, but not a threat, however, it made her want to know what she had missed in Heero’s life.  
          “Ms. Relena,” Pagan, her driver, informed her, “Mr. Yuy has returned home.”  
          Relena’s heart leapt in joy in her chest and she flung the door open.  
          “Take me with you!” Relena’s five year old sister demanded.  
          “No, Annabelle, stay here!” Relena snapped.   
          “No!” Annabelle pouted, “You left me in the car last time!”   
          “Fine,” Relena conceded, not in the mood for bickering, “but keep your mouth shut.”  
   
   
   
          For the first time in three years, Heero’s deep blue eyes met Relena’s light ones.  
          “Heero…” she murmured, a blush spreading over her pale cheeks. She moved to hug him, but his hard stare stopped her.  
          “What are you doing here, Relena?” Heero demanded.  
          He was so beautiful, Relena thought to herself, how could she not do all that she could to try to hold onto him? Heero crossed his arms over his chest as Relena seemed to overlook his anger, simply looking at him with adoration. She had always been that way, even when they were just friends. When he got mad, she would brush it off like it wasn’t important and pretend that everything was fine. It was much more different with Duo. He would try to calm him, comfort him, and acknowledge his feelings instead of ignoring them. When Relena had smiled when he was in one of those moods, he would bury his anger because he knew that it wouldn’t matter, Relena just wouldn’t understand. When Duo smiled at him, he knew that he was concerned about him and his anger just vanished. When they had moved out of Sanq, he had thought that that would be the end of it. He realized now that he had been foolish, Relena had the desire and means to pursue him across the world, so why wouldn’t she?  
   
   
   
          As Heero left the doorway to meet with Relena on the front lawn, Duo followed him. He couldn’t help it. He knew he should give them their privacy, but he couldn’t bear to and simply watched the two of them. Relena was even prettier than a few hours ago, which was impossible, but standing in front of Heero, he could see how beautiful and perfect they were together. It made his chest clench. Why would Heero choose him when could have her? He felt so dirty and useless in their world.   
          Relena noticed Duo standing behind Heero as though he was using him as a sort of shield and smiled at him.  
          “Hello there!” she said cheerfully. “Thank you for showing me around the house today, it was really nice of you.”  
          Duo stared back at her, but didn’t say anything he couldn’t. In only one sentence, she had made sure to discredit anything he would say about her. He was sure that if he said that she had been rude and forced her way into the house after she had thanked him and called him nice, Heero would side with her.  
          Heero looked back at Duo who was still silent and withdrawn and narrowed his eyes at Relena. Everything clicked into place in his mind.  
          “What did you say to him?” he demanded harshly. Relena and Duo’s eyes widened.  
          “W-what are you talking about?” Relena stammered, “Heero, how can you accuse me of such a thing?”  
          “Don’t pull this bullshit, Relena, I know you did something and I want to know what!”   
          Duo stared at his best friend. He had expected a loving, teary reunion between Heero and Relena, but Heero seemed upset at her and was actually taking _his_ side in all of this! He couldn’t understand it.  
          “Heero, I didn’t-,” Relena started.  
          “I want to go home now!” Annabelle chose that moment to scream. The three teenagers looked down at the child s though they hadn’t realized she was there.  
          “What’s with the kid?” Heero asked as Duo disappeared back into the house. Relena sighed.  
          “She’s my little sister. My father made me take her with me.”  
          Heero wondered about why he had never heard of a sister before, but didn’t really care. Relena had forfeited their friendship when she had started to stalk him and destroy his trust for her. Duo quickly reappeared by his side.  
          “I want to go home!” Annabelle screeched again.   
          “What did I say about keeping quiet?” Relena snapped. Duo watched the child, no longer concerned with the older sister. The little girl looked just like Relena, crystal blue eyes that made the girl look both beautiful and cute, and golden hair that was bound in pig tails.  
          “I don’t care!” the little blonde yelled at her sister, “This is boring and I’m hungry!”   
          Duo crouched down to the five year old’s level. Annabelle’s eyes widened at the sight of him.  
          “Hey there, my name’s Duo, what’s yours?” he asked, offering her his hand, which she took , her tiny one dwarfed almost comically by his, but she wasn’t afraid of him.  
          “Anna. My sister calls me Annabelle, but I _hate_ that name. Duo’s a neat name, no one can lengthen _that_. You’re eyes are really pretty and I like your braid.  
          Duo’s smile widened.  
          “Well, I like your pigtails and your eyes are really pretty, too.”  
          Anna blushed at the praise coming from the older boy.  
          “I can’t help you with the food, but I think I can take care of the boredom, Anna,” Duo showed her a box of chalk. Anna squealed with delight and let the longhaired boy lead her to the Yuy’s driveway.   
          “Annabelle, don’t you dare doodle on Mrs. Yuy’s driveway!” Relena yelled.  
          “Leave them alone,” Heero snapped, “it’s not up to you to decide what my mother does and does not want. Besides, my mom _doesn’t_ care about some erasable white lines on the pavement. If anything she’ll find it highly amusing.”  
          Heero watched his friend help the small girl draw a horse with wing on the driveway. Somehow, Duo seemed to lose years of tension, the child in him peeking out to play, and smiled in affection. He was so beautiful… There really wasn’t anyone else in the world for him. Relena saw the look in Heero’s eyes as he watched the violet eyes boy and frowned. Hadn’t she thought only a little while ago that the boy couldn’t possibly be a threat? But now he could see that she had a rival for Heero’s affections and she didn’t like that one bit. How had this happened? How could Heero have affection for another _boy_?!  
          “Who is he?” she demanded.  
          “He’s my best friend,” Heero said, not losing his smile, “He needed our help and now he lives with us. That’s all you deserve to know.”   
   
   
          Pagan saw his younger charge’s little tempter tantrum and her removal of the situation by the strange young man and left the limousine to bring her back. As he approached the blonde and brunette, they didn’t seem to notice him until he spoke.  
          “Sir, I’ll take Miss Peacecraft from you if you like,” the old man offered. Duo’s head shot up and he blinked at him.  
          “Aww!” Anna whined, “I want to play with Duo some more!”   
          Pagan smiled down at her.   
          “I have some apple juice and cookies,” he offered.  
          “Ok!” Anna chirped, quick to change her mind like any child, “Bye, Mr. Duo!”   
          Duo waved at her.  
          “Can I come back some time?” the girl asked. Duo nodded.  
          “Yay!” she cheered, grabbing Pagan’s hand and dragging him back to the limousine. Duo smiled as he watched her, putting the chalk in his pocket. He returned to Relena and Heero and found, to his horror, that Relena had her arms wrapped around Heero. His heart seemed to stop beating. How many times had he had his arms around that wonderful body? How many times had Heero’s arms been around his? Only, that wasn’t really true, because Heero wasn’t hugging Relena back.  
          “Please come back to England with me. We can be happy again! We can leave this disgusting place with its disgusting people! Just… came back with me and everything will be right again!” Relena pleaded. Duo stared at them and felt tears stream down his cheeks, unable to keep them bottled up any longer. He didn’t see how he could possibly win this. Heero couldn’t leave America! What would he do it Heero left and got married in some far away country. Heero’s eyes met his over Relena’s shoulder and Duo’s heart pounded. Heero was his hope, without him, how could he have dreams? Without him, he never would have gotten this far. It didn’t have anything to do with his personal strength or his ability to pick himself up. It was because Heero was the first person in his life to care about him and try to help him. Heero had saved him where no one had even tried. Without him he could save himself, but he would be without the best thing that had ever happened to him. Heero’s eyes burned into him and he looked alarmed to see Duo cry. Relena and Duo were equally shocked when Heero shoed her away.  
          “No, Relena, _I’m_ happy here, happier than I’ve ever been, actually. _You’re_ the one who’s miserable. You and I will never be happy together _anywhere_. Things haven’t been alright between us for a very long time. I’m perfectly happy in this ‘disgusting’ place with these ‘disgusting’ people. As long as I have friends here,” Heero’s eyes found Duo’s again, “I will never leave.”  
          “You… you don’t mean that…” Relena whispered. Duo watched all of this in confusion. Why was Heero so upset at the woman that was going to be his wife?  
          “I’m never going back to England,” Heero said with conviction, “especially not for you.”  
          Duo felt the tightness around his heart vanish, but found that he still couldn’t move.  
          “What happened when you got back from school?” Heero asked him. Duo rubbed nervously at his arm. He couldn’t figure out why Heero was asking him instead of Relena. He didn’t exactly have a track record of honesty where Heero was concerned.  
          “I came by looking for you,” Relena interjected before Duo could say anything, “Your friend and I had a friendly chat and when I discovered that you weren’t here, I left."  
          “I asked Duo, not you,” Heero snapped at her. It was obvious to him that the bitch was lying. Duo looked so nervous and he was quite sure that Relena hadn’t even known his name. Duo blinked at Heero.  
          “Heero… I…”  
          Relena watched in hidden fury as Heero’s eyes softened in affection as he looked at the longhaired boy. When was the last time he had looked at _her_ that way? Heero walked until he was standing in front of Duo, his tall body blocking Relena from Duo’s view. Duo suddenly felt a burst of odd pride. Heero wanted to hear his opinion, not Relena’s. He was acting nicer to _him_ than his own fiancé.  
          “What happened?” Heero asked again, his voice gentle without a trace of annoyance or anger.  
          “She was here when I got home, waiting in the car,” Duo told him, “she knocked on the door. She thought I had broken into the house. When I told her that I had been given a spare key she shoved past me. I should have tried harder,” Duo said guiltily. Heero shook his head.  
          “I’m sure she took you by surprise,” Heero assured him, silently urging him forward.  
          “She told me that she was your fiancé,” Duo continued, his voice cracking a little. Heero curled his hands into fist, wanting to pound Relena into the ground. Duo’s earlier attitude towards him made sense now, anyway.  
          “She wanted to get into your room, I don’t know why. I asked if Name knew that she was here and she said that she didn’t. So, I told her to get the fuck out.”  
          Heero smiled with pride at Duo’s words. He had never met someone who had the balls to stand up to Relena. It had taken him years to do it  
          “She refused to leave since she thought that I wouldn’t force her. I told her that if she didn’t leave, I was going to call Name on her, so she left.”  
          Heero smirked. It was just like Duo to put the fear of his mother in someone like Relena. It was pretty funny, actually, and he struggled not to laugh. He felt proud of his best friend. He was usually so meek, but he had stood up for himself.   
          “That’s a lie!” Relena protested.  
          “If Duo says that’s what happened, then that’s what happened,” Heero snapped. Relena stared at him in shock. Duo couldn’t believe that Heero believed him so blindly. Did his word really mean that much to him?  
          “You’d believe _him_ over _me_?” Relena screeched.  
          “Every time,” Heero said in a clipped tone.  
          “T-thank you,” Duo stammered, “but how can you say that I haven’t exactly been honest to you in the past.”  
          Heero smiled at him.  
          “You don’t need to thank me for something that I believe in. Even when you were lying to me, I knew you weren’t being completely honest. I know that you’re telling the truth now, just like how I know that she’s lying. Relena’s lied to me before and her lies were a lot less understandable than yours,” Heero told him.   
          “But… she’s your fiancé, I’m just your friend!” Duo tried to point out, but Heero shook his head.  
          “You’re my _best_ friend. Relena’s not my fiancé, not anymore. She hasn’t been for two years now. She lied to you.”   
          Relief and happiness filled Duo and his legs actually shook as he felt weak with his fears and anxiety gone. Heero grabbed his shoulder partly to keep him steady, but mostly as a show of affection.  
          “Duo, I would tell you if there was something that big in my life, I promise.”  
          Duo nodded shakily.  
          “It’s just, things have been so good, I shouldn’t have just believed her. I should have trusted you, but it’s so hard to remember that you’re not like everyone else I’ve met…”  
          “It’s not true…” Relena gasped out, making Heero and Duo notice her again.  
          “We _are_ still engaged,” she rubbed at her ring, “I never agreed to call it off!”  
          “You didn’t need to call it off!” Heero yelled, “You still don’t get it, do you?!”  
          Duo was glad that they didn’t have many neighbors as Heero started to shout.  
          “Marriage is a partnership, not some toy that you can have just because you _really, really_ want it! How dare you break into my house and lie to my family! And yes, Duo _is_ my family, he deserves that title more than you ever did! Don’t you _ever_ speak to him again!”   
          Duo watched the blue eyed boy in alarm. His heart burned with the knowledge that Heero considered him family and he felt like he was going to burst with pride and victory at Heero saying that he liked him more than Relena, but the last time he had seen Heero this angry was when he had walked in on him and Zechs. He remembered when he had been on the receiving end of that anger and couldn’t help but feel bad for her. However, he was shocked to find that, instead of being devastated at bearing the brunt of Heero’s disgust, she was smiling at him.  
          “Now, Heero, there’s no need for temper tantrums. I’m sure that we can talk like adults,” she said as though she were speaking to a child. Duo stared at her incredulously. Heero was, understandably, furious, far from having a ‘temper tantrum’! Any pity he had felt for the girl vanished and was replaced with the urge to smack her across the face.   
          “No, Relena, you lost the privilege for civilized talk years ago. Get the fuck off my property and out of my life or I’ll show you how much of a temper tantrum I can pull!” Heero snarled, grabbing Duo’ hand in a surprisingly gentle grip and retreating back into the house.  
   
   
                     
          Relena watched the two boys leave her all alone with wide, shocked eyes, Heero’s words burning in her ears. Pagan and Annabelle were still in the car, Pagan watching Relena carefully. It was his job to look after her, but he hadn’t come to her aid while Heero had exploded at her. She wouldn’t have accepted protection from her beloved _Heero_ of all people, but it was still his job and she vowed to get her father to fine him for his blunder. She couldn’t believe that Heero had spoken to her like that and the way he had looked at the braided hit had been simply repulsive. She had tried so hard to keep Heero by her side. It was her right as a woman and as his best friend, but somehow things had gone so horribly wrong. Her hands curled into fists. It didn’t matter. She would overcome any obstacle between her and Heero because she had to. She could never let him go. Heero was all that she had! Her father barely talked to her, she couldn’t even see her real mother and brother anymore, and all of her friends had abandoned her. Heero was all that she had left! Heero still loved her; she knew that as much as she knew that she needed air to live. He had just forgotten how good they had been together, forgotten how much she loved him, but he still loved her and that was all that mattered. As long as that emotion was there, she could fix things. It was that boy… he was interjecting himself in the Yuy’s lives like some kind of parasite. The Mrs. Yuy she had known never would have allowed him to live with her unless he had something over her. Even when she and Heero had just been friends, Heero’s mother had never trusted her. Duo was obviously plaguing them, she was sure of that, what other reason would the Yuy’s have for tolerating a rat like that in their home? But, if she got rid of the rat, she was also sure that that would prove her worth in both Heero and his mother’s eyes. She was positive that her father’s actions were at fault for the Yuy’s animosity towards her, but if she could just _prove_ her love for Heero by getting rid of the pest, everything would go back to the way it was supposed to be. She smiled to herself and walked back to the limousine.   
   
   
   
          Heero watched Relena with the security system, a feature that Duo had not known about, but was glad for now. Heero was tense as the girl paced on the front lawn for ten minutes before finally leaving. His tension looked painful, Duo thought. He wanted to tell Heero that it would be alright, but wasn’t sure of the right way to comfort him. He had never had to comfort someone before and had so few people comfort him that he felt awkward trying to do it. When Relena finally left and her car drove out of sight of the cameras, Heero was still on edge.   
          “Heero, I’m sorry,” Duo apologized. Even though Heero had told him that it wasn’t his fault that Relena had gotten into the house, he still felt guilty about it. He made a small shocked noise as Heero suddenly whirled and hugged him tightly and desperately. Duo’s instincts told him to fight back against the attack, but something much deeper, much stronger, told him that it was ok because it was Heero.  
          “You’re my best friend, right?” Heero asked in a gruff, raw voice teeming with emotion, “you don’t want to hurt me?”  
          Duo’s concerns for survival and that Heero was hurting him with how tight he was holding him vanished at how vulnerable his friend sounded and he hugged him back, letting Heero press his head against his.  
          “Of course I’m your best friend,” Duo assured him, “and I’ve never wanted to hurt you.”  
          Why did Heero trust him so completely after all of the lies and pain he had put him through? He had hurt him, but he had never wanted to… but did that make it at all better?  
          Heero gripped Duo’s shirt.  
          “Why can’t she be like you? Why can’t she just be my friend again?” Heero murmured against Duo’s neck, “You’re the best thing I have, as long as I have you, I can survive anything she does to me.”  
          Duo blushed darkly at his words, Heero suddenly realized how tightly he was holding his friend and quickly let go of him, backing away. He ran an unsure hand through his mussed hair.  
          “Shit, Duo, I’m sorry. I scared you…” Heero said mournfully. Duo shook his head.  
          “Only for a second and that was because you startled me. I’m not the only one that can ask for a hug,” he said with a smile, “but, Heero, what is going on?”  
          Heero paused, then nodded to himself. He tentatively grabbed Duo’s hand in a light grip, as though he was afraid to touch him, and led him to the kitchen. Duo realized that he should have started making dinner already and Name was going to be home any minute, but he brushed it off. Hearing what Heero had to ay was more important right now. They at together at the kitchen table and Heero struggled with how to start.  
          “I met Relena when I was twelve,” Heero explained, “Mom and I had just moved to Sanq in England and my mother knew her family through business. Because of our families’ status, Relena didn’t have any friends and I only had Quatre and Trowa. I barely got to see them and we were both lonely, so we hit it off right away and became best friends. We did everything together, told each other everything… she was a bit obnoxious at times and I had a bad temper, so I fought with her a lot, but we still cared for each other. Three years ago, I found out that her father was losing a lot of money and he wanted to create a partnership with Mom by having Relena and I marry. I agreed and proposed to her.”  
          “At fourteen?” Duo asked, shocked. He wondered if his friendship with Heero was just as strong as his and Relena’s had been.  
          “She was my friend and I had never been attracted to anyone, so I had thought it was a good idea. Our engagement only lasted a couple of months, though. I watched as my best friend changed into this obsessed monster. She followed me everywhere, refused to let me see my friends, called me at all hours, and when we were together, she was an emotional wreck. She was always crying and commanding that I tell her I loved her, which I couldn’t because I didn’t love her in the way she wanted me to She was always pushing for our wedding date to be shortened. If she had had her way, we would have gotten married the day I had proposed, but my mother had always known that it wouldn’t last. I had always been up front with Relena that I wasn’t interested romantically, that we were just friends, but every time I refused to get the date reduced, she would try to seduce me. When Mom worked late, I’d come home and find Relena naked in my bed. I had tried kissing, but I wasn’t that into it. When I refused to be… intimate with her, she went off the deep end. She started to stalk me, standing outside our house at all hours, following me everywhere I went, and the phone calls got worse. When she thought that I wasn’t spending enough time with her, she tried to get me expelled from school. When I told my mom about her behavior, Relena acted like she always had, but my mother, fortunately, didn’t believe her act. When she started lying to Quatre, Trowa, and myself so we wouldn’t be friends anymore, that was the last straw. She had destroyed our friendship with her lies. I wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t eating, and I had had enough. I broke it off with her, but the stalking didn’t stop. Shortly after that, Mom found out that Relena’s father had been stealing money from her and we moved away. It wasn’t until Trowa and Quatre visited me here that I found out that her parents had gotten a divorce and that her brother is actually living _here_ of all places! And now, after over two years, she’s found me again!” Heero ranted, completely frustrated.  
          “Heero…” Duo murmured, “I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve to go through all of that. I’m sorry, but she sounds like a real bitch. She has no right to put you through this,” Duo said, feeling justified in his earlier hatred of the girl. The thought of what she had done to Heero, who was supposed to be her best friend, made him feel sick. Heero laughed half heartedly.  
          “She was a bitch, but at the same time that I hated her for hurting me, I still cared for her because of our friendship.”  
          Duo put a hand on Heero’s knee.   
          “I understand,” he said, “I know it’s a sucky comparison, but I feel the same way about Wes. I hate him for what he did to me, but I still miss him,” he blushed, realizing what he had just admitted, “I know how sick that sounds.”  
          Heero squeezed Duo’s hand.  
          “You shouldn’t have to feel that way about him, but I can understand it.”  
          Duo peeked at him through his long bangs.  
          “You don’t think I’m sick, then?” he asked nervously.  
          “No. I wish he’d stop hurting you and making you feel so twisted inside, but I don’t think you’re sick,” Heero assured him, worrying over Duo’s words in his mind. Suddenly, something that Heero had said came back to Duo.  
          “Relena’s brother goes to our school?!” he exclaimed, “Do I know him?”   
          “You might,” Heero said with a smirk, “his name is Zechs Merquise.”  
          Duo’s eyes widened and his hands clenched under Heero’s.  
          “You have to be fucking kidding me!” he nearly screeched. Heero almost laughed at Duo’s shocked expression.   
          “Relena and Zechs had never gotten along when they lived together, but they’re very much alike, obsessed bullies the lot of them,” Heero mused.  
          “No kidding,” Duo grumbled. He could see the connection, alright. Both of them were beautiful, arrogant, and malicious. He would consider himself lucky if he never saw either of them again.   
   
   
          Name came home in a foul mood. She had spent the firs half of her day worrying about Duo getting home on his own and the other half arguing with lawyers over a group of publishers that wanted to release a book about her family’s history. She didn’t care if the people ‘needed to know’, it was her family, not theirs. She hated the fad of ‘baring it all’ that was so popular among celebrities nowadays and she refused to be a part of it. They could write that book if they wanted to, but it would have to be without her permission. Her day had ended worse than it had begun with her calling home and Heero’s cell, only to have no one pick up each time. It was highly suspicious, both Heero and Duo should have been hoe by then and she ended up rushing home in worry. So, when she had come home to find both boys unharmed and cooking stir fry in the kitchen.  
          “Don’t either of you know how to answer the phone?” she asked sternly, but kept her voice down despite her agitation. Duo blushed and Heero simply shrugged.  
          “We stepped out for a little while,” Duo admitted, sharing a look with Heero. They had spoken about telling Name about Relena for the last few minutes and had ultimately decided that there was no serious reason not to tell her.  
          “Mom, Relena found me again,” Heero confessed. Name became dead still as she soaked in that information.   
          “I think you need to back track a little bit,” she said as calmly as she could manage. Duo nodded and decided to tell the tale while Heero watched the stove.  
   
          Name listened patiently as Duo told her about his ride home, Relena’s visit, and ended the whole messy story with Relena, eventually, storming off into the night. She looked at her son as he stirred the beef stir fry. He looked ok, but he was just as good as she was at hiding his feelings. She was sure that Duo’s presence was a large part of Heero’s cool. When Relena was involved, he usually, understandably, dissolved into a fit but she was glad to see that this time, he had his head on straight. She couldn’t believe the gall of that woman! She had done irreversible harm to her child, broken into her home, lied and tried to hurt Duo, and tried to drag Heero back to England. She couldn’t even begin to think of the level of stress that bitch had put Duo through. It was fair to him. The American didn’t deserve to deal with the Peacecraft girl’s special brand of insanity. He had dealt with enough crazy people in his life; he didn’t need to deal with a girl trying to take away his best friend on top of everything else.  
          “What should we do about her?” Heero finally spoke up. Name sighed.  
          “There’s not much we can do,” she admitted, “someone like her won’t stop until she gets her way, finally understands that her antics are getting her nowhere, or she dies. She obviously isn’t getting the message and since murder isn’t my style, I suggest we just try to stay out of her way as much as we can. Sooner or later she’s going to step over the line and she’ll either screw up so badly, not even her family name can save her or her father will have no choice but put a leash on her. I’m sorry you have to deal with this mess,” she apologized to Duo. He shook his head.  
          “Heero’s my friend and after all that you two have done for me, I want to help. I’m sorry for not stopping her.”  
          “Nonsense,” Name insisted, “I’m sure defending the house against spoiled little blonde princesses wasn’t high on your list of worries until today.”  
          Heero snorted.  
          “As long as you don’t believe her bullshit and she doesn’t try to hurt you anymore, I don’t care what she does,” Heero told his friend. Duo toyed with the material of his pants.  
          “You told her that I was your family. Did you really mean that?” he asked in a soft voice.  
          “Yes,” Heero and Name said at the same time and they shared a look.  
          “You’re living with us for a reason, Duo,” Name told him, “it’s not just out of the goodness of my heart. I’ve never seen Heero become attached to another person so quickly before. You’re kind, bright, and strong. Despite all of the problems in your life, you’ve stayed true to Heero. The second you stepped through our front door, you became a part of the family, unless you don’t want to be?”  
          “No,” Duo said softly, his voice filled with emotion, “I’d like to be. Thank you…” he looked Name in the eye, “Relena got really upset when I called you by your first name,” he told her, “but you insisted on me not calling you Mrs. Yuy.”  
          Name smirked at him.  
          “Honey, I told you this before, but if you ever get into the habit of calling me ‘Mrs. Yuy’, I’ll slap you. Only a handful of people in this world get to call me ‘Name’ and you just happen to be on that list.”  
          “But you told me to call you that on the day we met! The same day you threatened me not to hurt Heero!” he protested, “Did you tell Relena the same thing when you met her?”  
          “Of course not!” Name scoffed, “Relena never had and never will have the right to address me by my first name.”  
          “But _why_?!” Duo demanded, not seeing any sense in what she was saying. Heero rolled his eyes at his mother.  
          “I’m a very good judge of character, Duo,” she said to him, “when I met Trowa and Quatre, I knew that they would be good friends to Heero. When I met you, I was a little suspicious of you, but I could see that you were, deep down, a good person and, whether or not you would end up hurting my son, you didn’t _want_ to and you honestly wanted to be his friend. When I met Relena, however, I saw that she was a tightly coiled spring about to snap, and I never trusted her. I’ll never tell Heero who he can or can’t be friends with, so, though I disliked and distrusted her, I also tolerated her. I realize now that I never should have allowed them to be engaged, but that’s in the past, I guess,” she said mournfully. “All I know is, Relena Peacecraft is not a good person.”  
   
          There was nothing more frustrating than a second rate hotel, Relena thought to herself. But, then again, she had been shocked that a poor little town like this had a hotel. She kept wanting to call room service, but every time she did, she ended up screaming at someone, so she had temporarily given up on it. Pagan was sleeping in the room next to hers, but his presence just annoyed her. His being here made her feel lonely, knowing that Heero was out there, so close by, and not by her side. The second she had gotten back to her hotel room after talking to Heero, she had called her father and demanded that Pagan had been fired, but he had informed her that Pagan had been with his family since before he had been born and he wasn’t going to be fired just because she was having one of her patented temper tantrums. The next day, Pagan had taken her little sister back to England and had returned the day after, to continue to help her get around. A week had passed and she still hadn’t spoken to Heero again. Right now, she had a different goal in mind. She had refused Pagan’s services latterly, not because she disliked him, but because she needed to travel inconspicuously. She had settled for a taxi as she spent her days tailing, not Heero, but Duo.  
          Relena lied down on the strange hotel bed and stared up at the strange ceiling. She couldn’t remember hating another person so much. A week ago, she had hated him for being Heero’s new best friend and someone that held her love’s interest, but now she hated him for a different reason. It had been easy following Duo and from school, when he disappeared during the night into the town’s park, when he went out to dinner and movies with Heero. She had watched Duo watching Heero with soft, affectionate, _loving_ eyes and had felt her blood boil. That look didn’t belong to anyone like him and it disgusted her. She should be the one living with Heero, not _him_! It made her want to rip his pretty, violet eyes out. She had to do something about him… No fag was going to look at her Heero in that way! Fortunately, the situation hadn’t yet gotten so bad that she couldn’t fix it without violence. She tossed and turned on the bed, but knew that she wouldn’t be able to sleep. The situation wouldn’t have frustrated her if it weren’t for the fact that Heero and Duo never separated outside the house and school. How could she talk to Duo if he was never alone? However, there was one time when the boy was alone. She turned on her side and stared at the clock, impatiently waiting for 11:00 p.m. She had to stop this, nip in the bud before it got too bad. It seemed a bit spontaneous to her, just leaving the hotel room in search of a boy when she wasn’t even totally sure what she would say to him, but she didn’t have a choice. She had to do this… for Heero.  
   
          At 11:00 at night, Duo was out the door with a bag filled with cat food and toys. He only did this Monday and Thursday and he was constantly worried that Heero or Name would find out about his nearly midnight excursions. He didn’t know what Name would do if she ever found out that he had been sneaking out to feed some stray cats. She had been so upset when he had wanted to walk home from school in broad daylight, she would probably kill him if she ever discovered that he was walking the streets at night. The first night looking for his brood had been especially hard on him. He had had a series of intense panic attacks that night and he had been sure that he would never find them. His first idea was to just go back to the apartment and see if they were still in the alley. He knew that it was the dumbest thing he had ever come up with and he had been terrified to even _think_ about going back there, but he had wanted to see his cats so badly. However, after burying some cat food, he had only made it halfway before collapsing on the sidewalk and becoming violently ill. It had been something of a relief realizing that he physically _couldn’t_ go back to the apartment; his broken mind wouldn’t let him. He never wanted to go back t that place for any reason and every time he left the house, his heart would race with the fear that Wes would find him. It was an extremely unpleasant sensation. After his panic attack, he had gone back to the convenience store and bought much more cat food, the clerk giving him weird looks. He had gone to the park, laid out the food, hid in a nearby tree, and waited. The smell of the food had attracted dozens of cats, but it was through some miracle that, some time around four in the morning, Toby, Cotton, and Angel had shown up. He had known it was them at a glance, but confirmed it by leaving the tree and whistling out of all of the cats, only his three had run up to him, eager to see him. He had slunk back to the house after an hour of playing with them to have a full fledged melt down. He had considered himself lucky that, in the time he had been gone, they hadn’t gone feral, especially the large and formidable Toby. The next night, he had gone back to the park and found that he didn’t need to use food anymore, all seven of his cats, even very pregnant Patches, were waiting for him. He was still scared to go out to meet them, but it made him happy at the same time.  
          He snuck out of the house and made his way to the park, just like he always did. It was getting a bit warmer as January was starting to melt away into February, but he still worried about the felines. He made it into the park with no trouble when he spotted a figure leaning against one of the trees.  
          “Hello, Duo,” Relena said, walking out of the shadows towards the lamplight. “We need to talk,” she said angrily. Duo narrowed his eyes at her and took a step back. She had come alone and unarmed, but after everything Heero had told her about her, she made him feel uncomfortable. He didn’t trust her for a clean fight and he refused to strike a petit girl like her.   
          “I don’t think so, Relena,” he said. He had no idea how she had known he would be here tonight, but he didn’t like the look in her eyes one bit. He stumbled as the blonde girl suddenly shoved him against a tree, his jacket falling open to reveal his black button-up shirt and he shivered.  
          “I’ve seen you looking at him,” she hissed, her nails digging into his shirt. Duo watched her with wide eyes.  
          ‘She’s crazy,’ he realized, ‘she’s been following us and she knows that I like him, but she’s still just crazy!’   
          “That’s not the way a boy should look at another man!” she accused, the disgust in her eyes and her hateful words drilling a stake through his heart. Men having sex with other men had been a huge part of his life, but her pointing out his ‘unnatural’ desire for Heero, another boy, made him feel as dirty as he had having sex with strange men. Even is she was right, he wanted to scream at her to shut up. What did she know about how hard it was loving Heero and knowing that it was wrong, that he would never love him back?!  
          “Pervert,” she hissed sharply, seeing his so-called ‘love’ in his eyes, “You’re _disgusting_!” her fingers dug further into his shirt, tearing it open.  
          “What the fuck, you crazy bitch?!” Duo demanded.   
          “How could Heero possibly want to make love to you with this body?!” she sneered, her expression turning quickly to one of disgust as she saw Duo’s vivid scars on his flat chest. Duo hastily closed his shirt with a shaking hand. He tried to muster some indignation towards her, but couldn’t. As hateful as she was, she was right.  
          “You’re a man, what do you think you can do for him that I can’t?” she demanded, her whole manner demeaning and insulting. Duo found that he couldn’t look her in the eyes. His heart felt tight with each word that she spoke. Why did she have to say these things to him? He knew that Heero would never like him like that, but why did she have to be so cruel about it?  
          Relena slammed her hands on either side of Duo’s body on the tree, trapping the boy there. She leaned in enough that Duo could feel her breath on his skin.  
          “We kissed, you know,” she told him, taking immense pleasure in the pain on his face, “he tasted so sweet… He’s quite passionate, but I guess you’ve never seen that side of him, huh? His lips are surprisingly soft and he’s very gentle, but very inventive, too, though he is too much of a gentleman to do anything _nasty_. It felt so good, like my heart would melt and I could tell that he felt the same way. It was our very first kiss, things like that are treasured by _normal_ people, I suppose someone like you has never had the pleasure.”   
          Duo’s heart felt like it was trying to crush itself. Just the image of Relena and Heero kissing made him feel like dying. He was sure that kissing Heero felt like heaven, but he would never know.  
          ‘She’s crazy,’ he thought to himself, ‘but she’s also right. Heero’s not gay. He had a fiancé and he was willing to try to love her, even _kiss_ her. Even if Heero _is_ gay, he’d never fall for me.’  
          His first kiss… he supposed that something like that was considered special by other people his age. Wes had given him his first kiss. There had been nothing romantic about it. It had been brutal with Wes thrusting his wet tongue into his mouth. He had tasted weird and he bruised his lips with the force of it. It had left him with the feeling of violation. It hadn’t been soft or sweet or something that he wanted to remember years later. It had been a couple of days after Wes had raped him for the first time. The kiss of a rapist, not a first love… The ideal of one’s coveted first kiss still eluded him, but that was probably because by the time he had gotten his first kiss, he had already ‘gone all the way’. Weren’t you supposed to get your first kiss before you gave up your virginity? He thought that that was how it went, but he wasn’t entirely sure.  
          Duo’s eyes suddenly found a pair of glowing yellow eyes stalking them in the dark.  
          “Look out,” he said flatly. Relena let go the tree and whirled, screaming as Toby made a swipe at her ankle, his formidable claws scratching her skin open, the wound looking deep as it bled. Relena screamed and made to deliver a powerful kick to the Javanese’s head. Duo growled and shoved her. He watched in shock as she fell to the grassy ground with a cry. He had felt weak and vulnerable his entire life he had never seen any evidence of his strength before, so seeing her crumpled on the ground had shocked him. Toby rubbed himself against Duo’s leg and he picked the tom up so the cat could perch on his shoulders, looking like a miniature lynx as he hissed at Relena when she got to her feet. She glared at the feral-looking feline.  
          “What is that thing?!” she screeched, taking a step back when the large cat flattened his ears back at her. Duo stroked his long tail and Toby rubbed against his cheek, showing his readiness to defend the boy against the hostile stranger.  
          “Leave me alone, Relena,” Duo said tiredly. Relena watched Toby warily. Her ankle hurt more than the time she had been bitten by a bulldog when she was six. She jumped as she heard a small, angry hiss behind her. There was a small black cat glaring up at her as though she were its mortal enemy.  
          Shiva hissed again at the strange female that was blocking her way to her daddy. She watched in satisfaction as the human stepped away from her and she ran over to Duo, letting him pick her up and coddling her to his chest. She dug her claws into his shirt and felt comfortable in his warmth. Relena couldn’t help but feel intimidated with three sets of eyes glaring at her, even if two of those were just cats. She didn’t feel like losing any more blood and she had gotten her point across.  
          “Freak,” she hissed and fled the park to her warm hotel room.  
          Duo watched her go with a breath of relief. He stroked Shiva’s head and she purred her appreciation at him.  
          “Good girl,” he murmured.  
   
          When Name heard Duo sneak out of bed and leave the house, she didn’t fall back to sleep. She knew that she should yell at Duo for his reckless behavior and how dangerous it was to be walking around at night, but there had to be a good reason for the behavior and it had been going on for weeks now, so Duo probably knew what he was doing, but she was still angry and worried. She stayed wide awake until she heard the door open again, then allowed herself to drift off.  
   
   
          Heero shot awake at the sharp sound of sobbing coming from Duo’s room. At first he thought that he was dreaming, but the crying continued. It wasn’t the first time that he had heard crying, but it was late and the crying was too strong, too… out of control for him to ignore.  
          “Shit,” he muttered and rolled out of bed, running to Duo’s room. He thought that it could be another panic attack, but Duo was fast asleep, in the throes of a bad nightmare that had Duo twisting and sobbing like the world was coming to an end. Duo wasn’t saying anything, giving no indication about what he was dreaming about, just crying and whimpering in a high pitched, child-like voice. Heero paled when he realized that Duo could be dreaming about Wes. He sat on the edge of the bed and placed a hand on Duo’s arm.  
          “Duo, wake up,” he urged. Duo’s body became rigid and his leg lashed out towards Heero’s head. Heero’s instincts told him not to grab or restrain Duo in anyway, so he only jumped back .Duo thrashed for a few seconds, then rolled onto his stomach whimpering and panting. Heero watched him with a heavy heart. How could he comfort his friend if he couldn’t even touch him?  
          “Duo, it’s me, ok?” Heero tried to soothe him through his voice, “It’s alright, everything’s ok… I promise, nothing’s going to hurt you.”  
          Duo’s body started to still at the sound of his best friend’s voice, giving a feeble twitch every now and then. Heero put a light hand on Duo’s back and smiled softly as Duo didn’t fight him and his back muscles relaxed under his touch. The rational part of him told him to leave now that the nightmare was over, but the emotional part of him didn’t want to. The nightmare could come back once he left, he told himself, but mostly he just felt anchored by the warmth under his hand. A dark blush covered his face as he slipped into bed with Duo. He could feel the warmth from his body as he lay down next to him but he made sure not to touch him. He was so close though… it was strange, his heart was pounding so hard, but they both had their clothes on, it wasn’t any different thatn when they ate breakfast together, so why did lying in the same bed with Duo feel so intense?   
          Suddenly, Duo rolled over to Heero, curling up into a tight ball, pressed against Heero’s chest and stomach. Heero gaped down at him. A second ago Duo was trying to kick him, now he was, well, snuggling against him. Duo did look like a cuddler, but it was still strange. Against his better judgment, Heero wrapped an arm around his friend and laid his head on top of Duo’s, trying to ignore that this was the boy that he loved and just attempted to focus on the ‘best friend’ part.   
          “Everything’s going to be fine,” he murmured, falling asleep.  
  
End Part 8


	17. The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero tells Duo about his father. Duo decides to get a job. Relena visits Alex to learn some shocking secrets about Duo.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 6  
Part 9  
   
          Duo awoke early that morning in Heero’s arms. He had come home last night, incredibly depressed at what Relena had said to him and he had cried himself to sleep. He had been doing that a lot since being released from the hospital. He vaguely remembered having a horrible dream that had involved Relena and Wes somehow, only to wake up in a very surreal situation. He was pressed against Heero’s chest, his knees drawn up to his stomach as he snuggled against him, and one of Heero’s arms was flung over him in a very intimate, almost protective gesture. Duo’s face felt red hot as he realized he could feel his best friend’s form through his shirt How the hell had they ended up that way?! He didn’t dare move at the same time his panicked nerves wanted to flee. He never wanted to leave this warmth. If he had ever believed in heaven, then this was it, but it wassn’t right. He felt good right now, but as soon as they parted, it would hurt too much. But.. leaving Heero’s arms was inevitable and he wanted to stay for as long as he could. He looked up at him, saw that Heero was wide awake, and promptly looked away again.   
          “Um… Heero?” he said in a small voice. Their eyes met and Duo saw that Heero was just as nervous.  
          “Why are you in bed with me?” Duo asked and noted that Heero looked very cute when he blushed.  
          “You had a nightmare,” Heero tried to explain, talking slowly so he wouldn’t stutter his words. Their bodies were still pressed together and he could hear Duo’s heart beating rapidly.   
          ‘I’m scaring him again,’ Heero thought in a panic, ‘what the hell was I thinking, of course he would freak out to find me in bed with him!’  
          “I thought this would help the nightmares,” he said, “Do you want me to leave?”   
          Heero thought back to last night. He had thought that he should wake and leave before Duo realized he had been sleeping with him. He had woken a few hours after Duo had stopped crying to find him sleeping peacefully. Thinking that he wouldn’t have any more bad dreams, he had tried to leave, but Duo had grabbed his shirt and refused to let go until he had slipped back into bed with him. However, what Duo had wanted when he had been sleeping was probably different than what he wanted when he was wide awake. Still, Heero didn’t think that he would ever truly regret his actions. He had had the best sleep he had ever had since he had been a little kid and lying there with Duo in his arms was just too comfortable. To Heero’s shock and delight, Duo shook his head.  
          “No… I don’t want you to leave if you don’t want to. This is actually pretty comfortable,” Duo admitted, his face beet red, “but if it makes you feel awkward…”  
          “No!” Heero said quickly, “It doesn’t feel awkward. I just don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”   
          Duo nodded and Heero felt his slender body relax again. Holding each other this way wasn’t something friends would do, Heero realized, but Duo either wasn’t aware of that or didn’t care and that suited Heero just fine. It was definitely nice just to stay like this on a lazy Saturday morning, but there was something bothering Heero. It had been bothering him for a long time, but he had never had the courage to ask until now. He sighed.  
          “Why do you keep crying at night?” he asked. Duo stared up at him with wide eyes.  
          “You heard that?”  
          Heero nodded.  
          “At first I didn’t want to mention it because I thought you were ashamed and didn’t want to talk about it, but if there’s something bothering you that badly, you should tell someone.”  
          Duo bit his lip, worrying his options around in his head.   
          “A part of it’s been the stress, the panic attacks, and the depression, but the other part… it’s just too stupid.”  
          Heero’s hand dared to stroke Duo’s braid and he relaxed when Duo didn’t smack him for it. The last time he had touched his hair had been in the hospital. It felt even silkier now than before.  
          “I can tell you something in turn if you want,” Heero tried to offer some equal ground. Duo perked up. He remembered how he had felt when he had met Relena, about not knowing all that much about Heero’s past, especially such a large chapter of it.   
          “I can ask anything?” he asked. Heero nodded.  
          “Ok…” Duo started, choosing his words carefully, “I know that you and your mother care about me a lot, but the things you do for me… You’re both so kind and I don’t deserve it. The things I did, lying to both of you, the prostitution, I know that doesn’t bother you for some reason, but it bothers _me_. Being forgiven is just as painful as being blamed because I don’t feel like I deserve forgiveness. Maybe I do and maybe I don’t, I only know how I feel, and being treated as a human being after so long hurts and it makes me feel depressed, because I know I should feel happy. A part of me _does_ feel very happy, but it’s very overwhelming, too,” Duo curled his fingers in Heero’s shirt.  
          “But… I guess I don’t want anything to change, either. So, don’t try to make things better, ok? It’s my fault my emotions are like this, but you two are doing everything right, really, you are, it’s just… I’m not quite used to this, yet. When Wes had drugged me and things had gotten really, really bad, it was you, fantasizing about you, about having a family and someone who loved me without any strings attached that kept me from going insane,” Duo admitted. He lapsed into silence as Heero continued to stroke his hair, the movement soothing. Heero knew that his friend was having a lot of emotional problems and he felt better knowing what some of those problems were. However, at the same time that he was relived that it didn’t have much to do with him causing the problem, it was frustrating knowing that there was nothing he could do to help. The thought of Duo dreaming about him when Wes had been… hurting him made him feel both warm and twisted inside. It was flattering that the longhaired boy would turn to him in his darkest moments, but it also reminded him that Duo never should have gone through that. He should have saved him, he should have done… something… instead he had done nothing, just sitting brooding in his anger while his best friend had been raped, dreaming about him… that was something that would probably haunt him for the rest of his life. Months ago, he had thought that nothing could leave an imprint on him like that, but it had happened a lot easier than he had thought.   
          “Where’s your father?” Duo suddenly asked. Heero froze.  
          “That’s your question?” he asked quietly.  
          “If it’s too personal, you don’t have to say anything,” Duo offered, seeing that his question was causing Heero some sort of inner turmoil. Heero shook his head.  
          “I promised I would answer the question,” he sighed, “and I guess it’s nothing like what you just told me, it’s just… hard for me to talk about it.”  
          Duo held Heero’s hand that wasn’t currently around him and squeezed lightly.  
          “Comparing what happened to me to what happened to you isn’t fair,” he told Heero, “it doesn’t matter if you see my problems as bad or traumatic, if something happened to you that hurt you, it’s just as bad.”  
          Heero nodded.  
          “My father’s name was Alexei. He and my mom met in Russia and married pretty quickly. He was in computers, firewall software mostly, but he never had an active interest in my mom’s company. He respected her or what she did, but he wasn’t power hungry and had never tried to usurp her or anything like that,” Heero said. The two boys shifted their positions a bit so they were eye to eye instead of Duo’s head cradled against Heero’s chest. Heero rested his cheek on the pillow as he looked Duo in the eye. Duo caught Heero using the past tense when referring to his father, but didn’t mention it. He had seen a lot of death in his life and was no stranger to it, but this was different and he couldn’t help but feel sad about it.  
          “He was a good father, a good man, but I suppose that everyone says that of the dead,” Heero said with a bitter snort. His voice was firm as he spoke, but Duo could see the darkness in his friend’s eyes.  
          “He was walking to lunch one day when an ex-employee hit him with his car,” Heero’s voice wavered a little and Duo put his own arm around the Japanese teen’s shoulders, stroking his neck with his fingers, which seemed to calm Heero down a little.  
          “The blow was fatal, but he didn’t die right away. I was twelve when he died. That day, Mom picked me up from school and took me to the hospital to… say goodbye. When I realized what was happening, I fought against it, but my mother forced me to see him anyway. At the time, I had hated her for that, but now, I’m glad that she had made me see him one last time,” a stray tear went down Heero’s cheek, “He looked… normal, like there was nothing wrong with him. There was no blood, he wasn’t deformed… He even smiled when he saw me. We talked for hours, at first about what was happening to him, then we just talked about stupid things, school, Quatre and Trowa, baseball… The nurse took me outside so Mom and he could be alone together and later that night, he died in his sleep,” as Heero finished, he had a hard time containing his emotions. He hadn’t spoken about his father for five years. Every time his mother had tried to so much as mention him, Heero had rushed it off like it didn’t bother him but that was just a lie. It was almost easy, though, to talk to Duo about it, maybe because Duo understood so well about pain and was the only person he was close to that hadn’t known his father.   
          “I miss him so much,” Heero admitted, his sorrow finally starting to spill out as he silently cried and his voice cracked, “it hurts so much, even though it was so long ago.”  
          “Heero…” Duo murmured, hugging Heero tightly and letting his friend do the same to him. He had seen a lot of people dying, but he, personally, had never lost anyone that he had loved. He couldn’t imagine how hard it had been for Heero to lose his father like that. Heero cried against Duo’s neck, the feeling of his long, silky hair was comforting, almost a balm.    
          “After that, neither of us could take being in Japan anymore and we moved to Sanq,” Heero said when he had composed himself enough to form words, but his voice was still tight and ready to crack at any second.  
          “I guess, in a round about way it was because of Dad that I ended up here, too,” Heero murmured. Duo listened to him intently. That was news to him. He had always thought that Heero had moved to America because of business.  
          “After my father died, I… I guess I got a little out of control. I stopped caring about anything except for my family and friends. My mom, Quatre, Trowa, and eventually Relena, became the only things that mattered anymore. I became angry at the world and would snap at the smallest thing. I was bitter and violent and with the exception of the small group of people I _did_ care about, everyone was fair game, even my teachers. Mom and I bounced around England because of my behavior until I was expelled from my last high school for beating up a student. He hadn’t done much, just called me a pussy for not having a girlfriend, but it was enough. Mom moved us here after that. I guess I still have problems with my anger,” Heero said, thinking back to when he had sent that boy to the hospital for threatening Duo. Duo hugged him tighter.  
          “Heero, I’m so sorry,” he said. Heero smiled at him.  
          “It’s not all bad, is it? I met you, after all, and I really am trying to work on my anger…”  
          Duo smiled back.  
          “No, not so bad.”  
   
   
            
   
   
          “Did you hear about Maxwell?”  
          “Dude, it’s been three weeks, everyone knows he’s back at school. I just want to know _why_. I mean, Khushrenada is like the next coming of Hitler, why would he let him come back? And what happened between him and Yuy anyway? One minute Yuy’s cursing his existence and the next they’re buddy-buddy again, what’s up with that? Why do guys like Khushrenada and Yuy give people like Maxwell the time of day? Sure, he’s hot, but he’s kind of a geek.”  
          “Eh, Maxwell’s probably blowing Khushrenada like he’s blowing Yuy.”   
          “Man, that’s sick, he’s not doing that!”   
          “No, don’t you listen to people? Maxwell’s Yuy’s little kept bitch now, they’re even _living_ together! Why else would Maxwell be there if he wasn’t Yuy’s concubine or some shit? Big important families like the Yuy’s do it all the time. Why do you think Yuy turns down every chick that approaches him? He’s already getting some wicked action from Maxwell and who can blame him? Shit, if he was a girl, _I’d_ be all over him, too!”   
          “Yeah, I know what you mean, he’s got a pretty sweet ass, but he’s still a guy. Still, someone like that is just _begging_ for fucking.”  
   
   
          Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei listened to the conversation as they hung out at Quatre’s locker. The blonde’s hands were curled into fists as the boy suggested that Duo was being ‘kept’ by Heero. Wufei looked ready to kill someone and Trowa was just standing perfectly still, but Quatre could see the underlying tension in his body like a violin string ready to snap. Ever since Duo had come back to school, these sorts of rumors had been flying around and the fact that Duo was living with Heero had only made those rumors worse. There were all kinds of crazy stories, but this one was the most popular among the boys, but this time was just too much for all of them. Quatre was sick of just standing by and listening to such filth about two of his best friends. He wasn’t blind, he knew that Heero loved Duo and Duo, at the very least, adored Heero, if not loved him as well, Duo was so tightly wound emotionally that it was hard to tell, but he did care for Heero more than a friend and if they found out what everyone was saying behind their backs, it wasn’t going to be pretty. When the other boy mentioned that Duo needed to be fucked, Trowa did snap. They were several feet down the hall, but Quatre knew that that wouldn’t matter as Trowa whirled and made a go for them.  
          “Trowa, don’t!” Quatre cried, he and Wufei grabbing one arm each to try to keep him back.  
          “No,” Trowa snarled, his green eyes on fire with rage, “I need to put a stop to this!”   
          Quatre and Wufei struggled with him, Quatre watching him with wide eyes. He had never seen his calm and collected lover so angry before and he didn’t blame him, but what Trowa wanted to do wasn’t going to help anyone. There was a very big part of him that wanted to just go and join in, no one had the right to say those things about his friend, but he wasn’t violent by nature and mostly he just didn’t wan this boyfriend to get in trouble, even if their going to this school wasn’t serious. Wufei looked over at him as though he was looking for guidance, either permission to let go or support, wanting to know if this was the right thing to do in the situation, still, Quatre had to admire his honor. Wufei’s muscles were tight and Quatre knew that he wanted, just as badly as Trowa, to hurt those boys, but he knew that it was wrong despite his anger.   
          “Why don’t you just shut up?”   
          Trowa went still at the sound of the familiar voice. Realizing that the tall boy wasn’t going to bolt, Quatre and Wufei let go of him and looked over at the offending boys. Duo was standing there, the shortest of the three of them, glaring at them. The hazel-eyed brunette with the red shirt paled and couldn’t look Duo in the eye. The taller, grey-eyed boy, however, just smirked at Duo.   
          “Shit,” Wufei muttered and the three of them ran towards Duo just in case there was going to be trouble.   
          “What’s the matter, Maxwell, I thought that long haired fags like you liked dirty talk?” the boy jeered as his friend escaped before he could get too involved.  
          “I don’t care about what you say about me,” Duo nearly growled, “but don’t you dare say shit like that about Heero. He’s not like how you say he is and what happens between the two of us is no one’s goddamn business but ours. So, just shut the fuck up, ok?”   
          The boy put his hands up in mock surrender.  
          “Ok, Princess, I forgot how sensitive your kind is. If your biscuit ain’t bein’ buttered by the frickin’ Ice King, I’m always available,” he gave Duo a lewd look and poked the violet-eyed boy sharply in the shoulder.  
          “But, for the record, I’ll say whatever I want, honey, what are you going to do about it? Spit on me?”   
          Duo grabbed the boy’s finger and twisted it, not enough to fracture it, but enough to hurt him a great deal. The boy screeched in a long, whiny howl, stumbling away from Duo when his finger was released. He snarled, realizing that he had been attacked by a boy shorter and younger than him, but Duo shoved him back with a great amount of force, making him crash into the lockers.  
          “You go ahead and say what you want,” Duo warned, “but if Heero finds out about the bullshit you’re spouting, he’s going to do more than just beat you up and if you don’t realize that, then you’re a moron.”   
          The boy’s eyes widened as he realized that Duo was speaking the truth. Everyone had heard about what Yuy had done to the upper classman last semester and no one was eager to find out what sort of damage he could do when pissed off.   
          “You heard him, shut the fuck up and get the hell out of here!” Wufei snapped at him. The boy seemed to realize the other three’s presence and ran, knowing a losing battle when he saw one.  
          “Asshole,” Quatre muttered under his breath. Trowa watched Duo like a hawk, but he seemed completely unfazed by the entire event and simply shouldered his book bag as though nothing had happened. He felt like he could study the boy for ten whole years and still never fully understand him.   
          “Where’s Heero?” Wufei asked worriedly. Duo was right, if Heero ever found out what people were saying about him and Duo, someone was going to get hurt really fast.   
          “He got hit in the head with a basketball during gym class. He’s fine, not even a bump or bruise, but after what happened to me before, Ms. Schbeiker isn’t taking any chances and sent him to the nurse’s office. Heero said that it was just plain embarrassing and sent me off to wait for him. Fortunately, he didn’t hear any of that shit,” Duo said, looking relieved.   
          “How can you do that,” Trowa whispered, “How can you stand up for Heero and not yourself?”  
          Quatre stared at his boyfriend, disbelieving that he would ask a question like that, but he understood where he was coming from. He had never seen Duo be defensive or offensive unless it concerned one of his friends. They had moved back into Heero’s house last week and had heard from Heero about what had happened between Duo and Relena. Heero had seemed so proud when he had told them about Duo forcing Relena out of the house and threatening her and Quatre could see why. Duo was always so meek and closed off, no doubt a long term affect from the abuse, and it was hard to imagine the longhaired boy defending himself. However, when it came to other people, he didn’t seem to have a problem with being aggressive. Quatre couldn’t believe that Relena had the gall to show her face to Heero again after everything she had done and he was furious about the bullshit she had fed Duo, but she hadn’t come back around for the entire week so he hoped that she had left, but he didn’t count on it. She didn’t have the good grace to give up so easily.   
          “Nasty rumors about me have been flying around since Middle School. I’ve never opened up to other kids and they don’t know anything about me, so they made up stories. The only ones who don’t spread stupid rumors are the very few people that know the truth about me and I know that you guys would never go behind my back like that. People call me a slut and a fag because I’ve never expressed an interest in women and because of my long hair and m inability to take care of myself didn’t help the rumor mill, either. I’m just used to ignoring it. There’s no real point in defending myself, until I tell the truth, people are going to talk no matter what. I can handle it,” Duo explained.  
          “And Heero can’t?” Quatre questioned. Duo ran a hand through his spiky bangs in frustration.  
          “No, I don’t mean that. Heero’s strong, stronger than I could ever hope to be, I just don’t want him to know about the rumors.”  
          Trowa sighed heavily.  
          “That’s completely hypocritical. Why should you protect Heero from this? Why should you have to live with this bullshit just because you’re ‘used to it’? It’s slander and abusive. You may not want these people as friends, but at the very least, they should respect you enough not to say such insensitive crap!” Trowa ranted.   
          “It’s just… easier, trying to protect the people I care about. I don’t know why, but just the thought of doing the same for myself… it makes me feel cold and sick,” Duo murmured. His eyes widened as Trowa hugged him. Neither boys were used to such displays of affection, so it didn’t last long, but Duo knew that Trowa meant it and it made him feel an intense love for his friend. It was the kind of love he held for Solo and Shi, complex and twisted, but powerful. He was sure that Trowa had never experienced what he, Solo, and Shi had, but he was just as emotionally awkward and fragile, something that Quatre and Wufei probably didn’t understand. Heero knew how it felt a little with his lack of friends and the trauma he had gone through when his father had died, but he had still had the stable support of his mother and that had probably made a gigantic difference in how he was slowly recovering from that loss. Trowa, for the most part, only had Quatre to really connect with and the blonde was a world away in class and status, unable to understand a lot of Trowa’s past and feelings. Trowa understood, better than Quatre did, just how horrible things were for Duo, even now. He was so used to being beaten down that now, when he _could_ fight back, just the thought of it made him sick. It was a mental block, one he would be battling with his whole life and that sense of permanency and loss of something every human being should naturally have, tore at Trowa’s heart.  
          “You won’t tell Heero about this, right?” Duo asked all three of them in a small, unsure voice. Quatre looked frustrated at this request. He wanted to tell Heero so, maybe, they could all put a stop to the vicious rumors, but he didn’t think he could look Duo in the eye right now and deny his request. Wufei nodded.  
          “We’ll keep it a secret,” he assured him. Quatre sighed, but nodded, too. For now, Heero didn’t need to know the truth, even if it meant keeping things from their friend.  
   
   
          It was another Saturday and Duo felt restless, even as he helped Name set the table. He had finished his homework last night and, though he had plenty to do, he felt useless just staying in the house all day. His nightly journeys to and from the park were, very slowly, rebuilding his self-confidence. He still felt anxious and panicked when he left the house by himself, but he realized that he couldn’t become a recluse. In the past, he would have loved to just sit in his own space, safe and warm, but he had always been in motion and now that he felt that he actually had the time to _do_ something, he hated _not_ doing something. He felt like he was squandering a special gift by doing nothing when he finally had so many opportunities. Even if he had a hard time dealing with solitude and strangers, he should still _try_ to test his limits, maybe do something that he had always wanted to do The only problem with that idea was that just going to school and not having to whore himself anymore _were_ the only things he had truly wanted besides the mangled, deep rooted dream of family and, perhaps even dating Heero, but he had a family of sorts now, even if it wasn’t official, and his dreams of Heero would remain just that, no matter how hard he pushed himself. He caught Name staring at him and realized that she had been looking at him for several seconds now.  
          “What?” he asked, blushing. She smiled at him, her black eyes piercing as she looked at him.  
          “You look much better, Duo,” she said simply. He raised an eyebrow at her.  
          “When I saw you in the hospital, you were emaciated, you couldn’t even sit up, let alone walk. But, you’re doing so well now. You weight is normal and your muscle mass is starting to rebuild itself. You look better now than you did when we first me,” she said, thinking back on that moment fondly, but with a bit of sadness in her eyes and voice.  
          “It’s because of you,” Duo told her, “if it weren’t for you, I’d be back to the way I as. Actually, I’d probably be dead.”  
          Name put a hand on his arm and kissed his forehead, making his blush deepen. He fidgeted with the hem of his shirt.  
          “I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me but can I ask you something?”   
          “Of course,” Name encouraged him.   
          “I… I want to do something, I mean, with my spare time. It’s nice being with Heero, but I hate feeling so lazy and useless. Would it be ok if I spent the weekends doing… something?”  
          “Ok,” Name agreed, “I can see how not being active would bother you after never having a moment’s rest. I don’t want you stressing yourself out, but I can agree to just weekends. What is it that you want to do?”  
          Duo shrugged.  
          “I don’t really know, actually,” he admitted, “I’ve never had any free time that wasn’t spent incapacitated.”  
          Name looked at him sadly as she realized what he meant.  
          “I’m sorry that you had to go through that. Everyone should have a hobby, something that brings them happiness. You’re stunted emotionally because of that. But, what are your dreams? What are the things you’ve always wanted to do, but couldn’t? What are you interested in?” she asked. Duo struggled with the right words.  
          “I haven’t had any dreams,” he told her. Name looked at him in shock.  
          “Duo… everyone has dreams…” she said, startled at the thought that someone his age wasn’t thinking of the future, had never had any desires or hopes.  
          “When I was little and living on the streets, I didn’t want to think of things I couldn’t have. I wanted food, but that made me feel even hungrier. I wanted shelter, but that only reminded me of how cold I was. When I was with Wes, thinking of a future that would never happen made the reality hurt even worse, believing that I would live and die a whore. When I met you and Heero, I finally dared to dream. I wanted a normal life, a house, a family, I wanted to be whole, mentally and emotionally, I wanted to have some sort of free will. But, even when I dreamed of that, I never believed that I would get it. It was more like a fantasy than a dream,” he confessed. Name’s eyes shone with unshed tears and she hugged him tightly.  
          “Oh, honey,” she murmured, “everyone should have dreams. It give us hope, it give us goals.”  
          “I couldn’t bare the pain of having hope,” Duo murmured, “It only reminded me of everything I didn’t have and that I would die in some stranger’s bed and not with people that loved me, because there was no one who loved me.”  
          Name’s grip tightened at his words and she struggled not to cry, her strong maternal instincts telling her to protect the child in her arms.  
          “All I know is that I need to do _something_. But, I don’t know what that something is,” Duo said when Name let go of him.  
          “Sports?” she asked. Duo shook his head.  
          “I’m terrible at it,” he said, embarrassed, “If gym was based on performance, I’d be failing right now.”  
          Name chuckled.  
          “Alright, what about clubs?”  
          Duo thought about that for a few seconds.  
          “Well… I was wondering if I could get a job,” he rubbed at the back of his head, “but I guess that’s impossible. I don’t have social security or even a birth certificate.”  
          Name’s brow furrowed as she scrutinized him.  
          “Why do you want to et a job?” she asked.  
          “Well, it’s normal, isn’t it?” Duo mentioned, “People my age get part time jobs so they can go to movies and go out to dinner. It’s just… normal. I’ve only had one ‘job’, but I never got to keep the money and it wasn’t ever normal or honest. I know you’re willing to give me any money I need, but it makes me feel uncomfortable.”  
          Name sighed.  
          “Alright,” she agreed, “I know you don’t like me giving you hand outs and it would be a good experience for you to have a part time job. Are you serious about this?”  
          Duo nodded and the woman’s smile returned.  
          “Alright, if we’re going to do this, we’re going to do this right. I’ll look up help wanted listings online and you can pick out which ones you’d like to interview for. Don’t worry about your social security, I can take care of that,” she assured him. Duo nodded.  
          “Just… promise me you won’t get the job for me?” he urged. It was part of what he needed. He needed to know that he could get by, that he could be normal and independent, not because of the people he knew, but because of his own skills. He didn’t want Name _giving_ him opportunities; he wanted to earn them himself. Name ruffled his hair.  
          “Trust me, it’ll be up to you to get a job and it’ll be up to you to keep it.”  
   
   
          ‘How do people choose a job?’ Duo wondered as he looked through the printouts that Name had given him. There were just so many of them and he hadn’t done _any_ of them in his life. The two closest one were for massages and modeling. He had taken one look t these before throwing them in the trash. Name had looked relieved when he had done so and he realized that she had never wanted to give him those, but she had and that meant a lot to him. She really was letting him call all the shots, letting him make his own decisions. It was the first time any adult had given him power instead of taking it away. It made him love her even more that she respected and trusted him and even saw him as an adult instead of a child that needed to be restrained or led around by the hand. He sighed. Still, it was very hard to make a decision about something he knew nothing about. He didn’t know how to work a cash register or cook or deal with people ‘professionally.’ How would he answer questions about his past job experiences or why he had a hard time dealing with people? He knew that he had to confront people sooner or later, that was one of the reasons why he wanted to get a job but he was still terrified of something like ‘cusstomer service’. Name had told him not to push himself, but he just wanted his fears and anxieties to go away.  
          “What are you doing?” Heero asked as he walked into the kitchen. Duo had been distracted all day, even during school, which was odd for Duo.   
          “I’m looking for a part time job,” Duo muttered. Heero raised an eyebrow at that.  
          “Ok, why?”  
          “Because I need something to do. I need to get out of this house or I’ll never get any better with my fears, but mostly I need to experience things that normal people my age are supposed to do.”  
          Heero sat down at the table with him.  
          “What has you so frustrated, then?”   
          Duo sighed again.   
          “Ironically, it’s because I’ve never done any of these things that I can’t find any I could do.”   
          Heero took a few sheets of the papers and flipped through them.  
          “What problems are you having?” he asked. Duo rubbed at his eyes.  
          “I’ve never worked on a cash register before and all the cashiering jobs ask for experience, so that’s half of this pile down the drain. I have problems dealing with people. No matter what I tell myself, no matter how hard I try, when I have to deal with strangers, I freak out and with most customer service jobs, I’ll have to deal with people that are pissed off or rude and I… I just won’t be able to handle that. I can’t do any jobs with construction or gardening because of my anemia and I definitely can’t work at a place that requires background checks,” Duo said in frustration. Heero handed him a printout that had caught his eye.  
          “What about something like this?”  
          Duo took the paper from him.  
          “The Cottage?” he asked. Heero nodded.  
          “It’s a little store a few minutes from here. They sell souvenirs, knick knacks, and cheap paper goods. It actually does a good business, but it’s not too crazy in there. Quatre likes to go in there because they have good salt water taffy. The job’s for stocking, so you won’t have to deal with people. All you have to do is help organize the store and help with the inventory. You don’t need to have experience with it, either.”  
          Duo bit his lip.  
          “It’s a thought,” he decided and put it in the very light ‘possible’ pile. Heero smiled at him.  
          “Why don’t you take a break, there’s something I need your help with.”  
          Duo blinked at him.  
          “What is it?”  
          Heero looked around the kitchen as though he expected some sort of sinister conspiracy.  
          “Not here, I’ll tell you at the mall.”  
          “The mall? What’s at the mall?”  
   
   
          Duo had only been to the town mall a handful of times in his entire life. He had heard stories from Solo about so-called ‘high-end’ hookers who got taken out on dates by their johns to the mall but he didn’t really understand that concept. To him, being a whore meant having sex, not going on ‘dates’. He hadn’t met a single man who preferred shopping and going out to dinner with a cute boy on his arm over _fucking_ a cute boy. The only times he had been taken to the mall were so that his customers could fuck him in a restroom or dressing room. It wasn’t a very appealing place for him to be now, even with Heero by his side. It was terribly crowded and he found himself constantly molding himself against Heero to get away from people that just didn’t understand what ‘personal space’ meant. His heart was pounding in his chest at the close proximity of strangers and he felt like he was on the verge of panicking. With all of the sounds and myriad of people assaulting his senses, he was having a hard time focusing. It was unbearably warm, the light too bright, the sounds of crying infants and screaming children made his head pound along with the sharp smell of perfume. He gasped as Heero suddenly grabbed his arm and pulled him into a bookstore. He sagged against the wall, the closest flat surface he could find, placing his hands on his knees and lowering his head, he simply focused on his breathing so he wouldn’t start to hyperventilate. Heero watched his friend pant in alarm.  
          “I’m so sorry, Duo,” he quickly apologized, “I’m such an idiot, I wasn’t thinking…”  
          Duo shook his head as he got himself under control.  
          “It’s not your fault,” he assured him, “I just don’t like being surrounded like that.”  
          Heero nodded in understanding.  
          “Actually, I hate crowds, too,” Heero admitted, “that’s why I rarely come here.”  
          Duo sat up straight and looked around the store. He sighed in relief as he noted that only a few people were shopping here, most of the older women with their noses in books and none of them paying any attention to them. It wasn’t a tried and true bookstore, it was large with wide spaces and shelves to the ceiling stocked with all sorts of books, with sections for paper goods, electronics, and even a small café tucked away in the corner where two businessmen were sipping lattes and doing work on their computers in silence. The only smells and sounds to be had were the aromas of soothing vanilla and the slight hazelnut from the coffee and the smooth jazz playing overhead. All around the store, there were big, comfy chairs to sit and read.  
          “This is nice,” Duo mused. It was much better than the ‘hip’ clothing stores reeking of perfume and pop music or the electronic stores that were far too crowded.  
            
“Why are we here?” Duo finally asked when his heart had calmed down. Heero had been pretty secretive about their trip to the mall, saying that he would tell him once they got there.  
          “Quatre’s birthday is next week,” Heero informed him, “I need your help picking out a gift.”  
          Duo raised an eyebrow at him.  
          “I’ve only been friends with him for less than three months, you’ve been friends with him since you were kids. Why do you need help getting him a gift?” he asked.  
          “Actually, I was hoping we could get him a joint gift,” Heero confessed. Duo mulled that over. Joint gifts were the sorts of things sibling or lovers did and it made his face feel hot. It was a stupid thought, but it still made him feel weird inside.   
          “I’ve never given anyone a gift before,” he said softly, “I have no idea what to get him.”  
          Sure you do.”  
          “I don’t know anything about him!” Duo protested, starting to feel panicked again. He had never celebrated his own birthday before, he wasn’t even entirely sure when it was, he only called himself fifteen based on logic and how many years he remembered being able to do certain thins, plus how he was placed when he had gone to middle school. He had no idea what would be acceptable for Quatre’s 18th birthday.  
          “What’s his favorite book?” Heero prompted.  
          “The DaVinci Code,” Duo answered, amazed at how quickly the answer came to him.  
          “Favorite movie?”  
          “National Treasure,” Duo said, rolling his eyes.  
          “Favorite food?”  
          “Chicken risotto.”  
          “Favorite color?”  
          “Green.”  
          “Chocolate or vanilla ice cream?”  
          “Neither, he likes coffee and he likes marble cake with maple frosting the best,” Duo said confidently. Heero smirked at him.  
          “See? You’ll be lots of help. We just need to figure out what kind of gift we’re getting him. 18’s a big deal.”  
          Duo nodded. He didn’t know much about the significances of certain ages, but that sounded right. Weren’t 18 year olds considered adults? Heero looked just as intimidated by the thought of shopping as he felt.   
          “Well, instead of wandering around aimlessly and just picking up random stuff, why don’t we narrow things down?” Duo offered. Heero relaxed. He remembered all the times that he and Relena had gone shopping together and how much he had hated it. His ex-fiancé would touch and hold everything she could reach, spending hours scrutinizing thins, then asking his opinion about it, if it would suit her or not, but even if he hated something, if she thought it was ‘fetching’ she would buy it anyway. In his opinion, the whole experience had been a huge waste of time, but Duo wasn’t like her. Duo would never be like her. He would listen to his opinion; he wouldn’t make him feel useless.  
          “I think that we should rule out books. Quatre’s more into music than reading and getting him one big gift would probably be better than a ton of books,” Duo pointed out.  
          “Yeah,” Heero agreed, “he reads every now and then, but he loves music more than anything else. The only things he likes almost as much as music are electronics. He’s still enthralled by the IPhone we got him last year.”  
          Duo gnawed on his lip as he thought. Heero smiled softly at him. He looked so cute when he was concentrating on something and now that he did have something to focus on, he wasn’t anxious anymore. He could see the good that getting a job would do for him. He wanted to protect Duo so badly, but he also wanted to see him happy and whole and he could only do that by trying to deal with people, not ignore them. Throwing him into a crowded stressful situation wouldn’t help, it was just going to make things worse, but if he could only try to deal with a few people at a time, it would be one more step towards him becoming social instead of staying isolated.   
          “What about one of those IPets?” Duo piqued up.  
          “What?” Heero asked.  
          “I saw it on TV last week. They’re these cool looking robots shaped like animals. You can download music into them and they light up, sing, and move in time with the music,” Duo said excitedly, which made Heero smirk.  
          “That’s the best idea I’ve heard so far. Do _you_ want one?” he said, only half teasing. Duo shrugged.  
          “It sounds cool, but so many people use them to replace real pets. I think that’s really depressing.”  
          “Do you like animals?” Heero asked, filing the conversation away in his mind for further speculation. Duo nodded energetically. Heero watched him fondly, wondering when he had last seen him so energetic.  
          “I love animals! I’ve always wanted a pet, but obviously, I could never have one. In middle school, I loved reading about animals I had never seen. I always wanted to go to the zoo.”  
          Heero smiled.  
          “Well, I think getting an IPet is a good idea. We just have to figure out what kind.”  
          Duo beamed, realizing that he had helped Heero and he would be responsible for getting one of his friends a gift. It made his friendship with Quatre seem more double-sided, more real. Still, his talk about animals just reminded him of the closest things to pets he had had and, even with his nightly trips, all he wanted for them and how much he missed them.   
            
   
   
   
            
   
          Nine days later  
   
   
          Relena left the limousine without saying a word to Pagan, knowing that he wouldn’t follow her unless she told him to. Things hadn’t been going well for her lately, something that she wasn’t used to. When she had come to America, she had been sure that she wouldn’t be staying for long. She would settle her differences with Heero and they would go back to England together, but that hadn’t happened. Heero refused to go back with her. Duo refused to back down. And now, all she wanted was to find out about Duo’s past, but she was constantly hitting road blocks. A ‘Duo Maxwell’ was attending school, but he didn’t exist anywhere else. There were no dental records, social security, passport, or even a birth record. It was impossible… Unless, and she sincerely believed this, he wasn’t who he claimed to be, he was a criminal, trying to bring the Yuy family down like some sort of cancer, from the inside out. This belief had instilled in her a deep urgency to separate her Heero from the longhaired boy, but how could she ever get the upper hand if she knew nothing about her enemy? After checking the records, she had resorted to tracking down Duo’s classmates. To her surprise, she hadn’t needed to bribe anyone, the teenagers had been happy to talk to her about what they thought about Duo. However, she found that most of it was nasty gossip. She had had to slap one girl for suggesting that her Heero was having sex with the gutter brat. There was one rumor that had caught her interest, that one of her brother’s friends had put Duo in the hospital and Heero had attacked said friend in turn. The main difference between this rumor and the others was that it was easy to validate. She hadn’t talked to her brother since the divorce and she had no intention of speaking to him now. It was ironic that she had found Heero in the very town that her mother and older brother had moved to. It was easy to find out the only person in the town’s hospital that her brother had known. She remembered Alex Mueller and was surprised that the friend in question was him. It had been a little bit harder finding out if Duo had been in the hospital. The closest she could find was one ‘Dwayne Yue’ whose records were sealed. It became obvious to her that Name had kept Duo a secret from the press and public. She didn’t care about that, but she wanted to know why he had spent weeks in the hospital and why Mueller was still there, which was why she was walking through the hospital waiting room right now. She spotted a blonde nurse at the front desk and raised an eyebrow at her name tag, which read ‘Leia Barton.’  
          “I need to see a patient’s chart,” she said quickly. The nurse blinked at her.  
          “Oh, is someone you know here?” she asked kindly. Relena flicked her long hair over her shoulder.  
          “No, I need the chart of someone who was already released. I’m willing to pay you quite a lot for it.”           
          Leia narrowed her eyes at the younger girl.  
          “I’m sorry, I can’t help you.”  
          “Dwayne Yue,” Relena pressed, “Surely you remember a boy with that name.”  
          The nurse froze, her eyes widening in fear.  
          “I think you should leave now,” she said coldly.  
          “My name is Relena Peacecraft, do you understand?” Relena said haughtily. She smirked when the nurse stiffened.  
          “I think I have less to fear from little rich girls than that boy’s guardian,” Leia informed her.  
          “So, she’s already gotten to you,” Relena mused in frustration. If Name had already threatened the nurse, she realized angrily, she was never going to see Duo’s file.  
          “Fine, in that case, I want you to take me to Alex Mueller’s room. You can do that can’t you?” she jeered. Leia sighed. She wanted to get this girl out of her hair before she got into trouble with Mrs. Yuy but she knew that Mueller could have visitors, though he hadn’t had a single one thus far. If she escorted her to him, she would leave her alone, she thought logically.  
          “This way.”  
   
   
   
          Relena didn’t know what had happened to the boy that she had used to see playing with her older brother, but it couldn’t have been pretty. His left leg and right arm were in casts, there was a bandage on the side of his head from a concussion and more bandages around his chest from shattered ribs, not to mention several bruises and a black eye.  
          “Hello, Alex,” she said sweetly when the nurse left.  
          “Relena,” Alex growled, “what the fuck do you want?”  
          Relena sat at the edge of his bed.  
          “I just came by to see how you’re feeling,” she lied and was startled when Alex laughed at her.   
          “Pull the other one, Peacecraft. I know you well, so don’t give me bullshit.”  
          “You want the truth?” she asked sharply, “Fine. I want Heero to come back to England with me, but there’s this boy, Duo, that’s in my way. There’re rumors that Heero put you in the hospital because you put Duo in the hospital. I want to know the truth.”  
          Alex’s expression turned angry and he snorted.  
          “Good luck with that, bitch! You mean to tell me that after everything that happened, Yuy’s back with that faggot?! I can’t believe this shit! After everything I suffered through! Yeah, your brother and I tried to separate the two of them, but if we couldn’t do it, there’s no way in hell you can! I don’t know where you get your information from, but it’s total bullshit! Yuy didn’t put me in the hospital and the most I did to Maxwell was force him to give me a blow job and I’m not ashamed to say that it was fucking _incredible_!”  
          Relena stared at him with wide blue eyes.  
          “What the hell are you talking about?!” she nearly screeched. Alex smirked at her, glad for the painkillers as the move made his eye ache.   
          “It turns out your brother’s got a little crush on _your_ longhaired enemy, but when the little bitch refused him, he somehow managed to get Maxell to whore himself so Zechs wouldn’t beat the crap out of him. However, when Yuy came along, Maxwell refused to do it anymore. We wanted to break Heero and Duo up, so we blackmailed Maxwell to have sex with us and Heero found out about it. We thought for sure that that would do the trick, but I guess not. A few days later, Duo doesn’t come back to school and I get beat up by a bunch of whores! I’m sure even you can put two and two together. Just a word of advice: give up on Yuy. He isn’t worth it,” Alex grumbled, looking at his broken arm, “now leave me alone, I’m tired.”  
  
End Part 9


	18. The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finding out about the nature of Duo's relationship with her brother, Relena pays some boys to assault Duo in hopes of showing Heero the kind of person his new friend really is.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 6  
Part 10  
  
    Relena slammed the hospital door behind her, seething, confused, and her thoughts whirling around in her brain. She felt like she had more questions _now_ than when she had entered the hospital. She wouldn’t have put it past a boy like Maxwell to be friends with whores, but the rest was just too much. It was disgusting, really. She had never been aware of her brother’s perversions. It was never acceptable fore someone to use another person just for ‘release’, but that her own _brother_ had taken up with a fag was just… nasty. Still, Alex and Zechs’ idea hadn’t been a bad one, but her brother had never been overly intelligent and had probably done something to mess it up. But… why on Earth would Heero forgive him for something so despicable? Surely, he could see what a bad person his so-called best friend was! Even at first glance, she had known that the boy was a slut, but Heero was soft. He forgave his friends too easily, especially if he thought that they could change. She was sure that that was the reason. Maxwell had probably claimed to change his ways and Heero had bought that. Well, she didn’t. People didn’t change, especially trash like Maxwell. She smiled to herself. If she didn’t get rid of him, who knew what sorts of terrible things he would do Heero? But, most importantly, she saw Duo’s flaws and she was more than capable of exposing them.  
   
   
            
   
          It constantly amazed Duo how protective Name was of him. He didn’t know, maybe that was how mothers naturally were. He had never had a mother, so he had nothing to compare her behavior to. It drove him insane sometimes. He had spent his entire life with no one looking out for his best interests, no one willing to try to protect him from the monsters of the world. He loved Solo and Shi deeply, as brothers and comrades. They were the closest thing to a family he had ever had, but they were whores and hard working ones at that, so they had rarely seen each other. It was hard to bond when they were moving from one job to the next. They had managed to stay so connected because they understood each other and knew that one day, one or maybe all of them would be gone. Duo didn’t blame them for not trying to protect them in the same way he didn’t blame Po for not helping him. Solo and Shi had their own problems to deal with, just trying to survive, like he had. If he blamed them for not helping him he’d also have to blame himself for not helping them. He missed them badly, though. The one thing he could say about the group of whores he had befriended was that, whenever he really, truly needed them, they had been there for him. Sometimes, just having an understanding ear was more important than being saved. He wanted to see them, to let them know that he was safe and loved now. If he ever got a job, he wanted to give his paychecks to them. They would probably hate him for the charity, but it would make him feel better knowing that he was finally able to give something back after all they had done for him, but trying to contact them meant going back _there_ , all by himself and, he was ashamed to admit, he just wasn’t strong enough for that step yet. So, while Name’s protective behavior annoyed him, simply because he wasn’t used to it, he also loved it because it was sweet and made him feel loved that she would go through such lengths to make sure he stayed safe But, after being under Wes’ oppressive rule for such a long time, he also treasured his freedom and he was glad to see that Name as also trying very hard to respect him. It had taken what seemed like forever, but, little by little, he had worn her down to finally agreeing that being cooped up in the house day and night with the exception of school and occasionally going out with Heero, wasn’t healthy for him and he, in turn, agreed that going out on his own, deep into town, wasn’t a good idea, either. Name was no longer so worried about him being kidnapped by Wes as him having a panic attack where she and Heero couldn’t get to him. So, in preparation of him joining the work force, Name had agreed to let him go grocery shopping on his own. It wasn’t so daunting of a task. He had gone shopping with Name before, so he knew where to go and what to do. Grocery shopping wasn’t something new to him, but picking out which brands were best instead of what was cheapest and using a credit card, something he had heard about, but never even touched, instead of wads of crumpled bills, _was_ new. He thought he had it down, though. The grocery store was only a few blocks away, so Name was letting him walk on foot, which made him feel better than taking the bus, but he felt weird with her gold card in his jacket pocket. He could buy a house with it if he wanted to and that feeling of financial freedom made him feel sick. He didn’t know if it was the responsibility or the money itself, but it bothered him. Most adults would never trust a teenager with a credit card, but Name had assured him that if there was anyone that she could trust with it, it was him. That had given his ego a great big boost. Wes had never trusted him. He was like a stray dog, willing to take handouts and an occasional pat, but never trusting anybody or anything. After every job, he had strip searched him. It was embarrassing enough having Wes check him for hidden money, it was something else knowing that a man who was so untrustworthy himself not trust him, despite having confidence that the training he had instilled in Duo as a child would at least keep him honest with the constant, lingering threat of pain. Duo shook his head as he walked. He had only taken money from him that first job, to get some dinner, and never once after that, that one time had been more than enough for him. If anything, Name should have less trust of him than Wes had because she had never punished him, even when he had done something wrong. He was still embarrassed of one incident that had happened the first week he had lived with the Yuy’s. He had still been adjusting to his new medicine back then and his anemia had left him weak with a feeble grip on things. He had been helping Name was the dishes when one of them had slipped from his fingers and smashed on the floor around his feet. Name had ordered him to stay still and had left the kitchen quickly. Keeping still, just like he had been told, he had started to cry, not because he was scared of being punished, but because he had done something bad and upset the only woman that had ever cared about him. Name had quickly returned with a broom and cleaned up the mess. She had given him a hug and informed him that she would only ever punish him for doing something really, really bad like driving one of the cars because he didn’t have a license or if she caught him smoking, but she would never, ever strike him. He had never even thought of that, that she would never hit him. It was an alien concept, to be punished without sex or pain. She had then made him sit down so she could check him for any cuts and made him hot chocolate to soothe his anxiety. It was just one of those things that no one had done for him before and it had shocked him that the normally hard woman could be so soft and caring. It was a bitter sweet memory for him, fond because it had been his first taste of home made hot chocolate and a feeling of true relief and security, but embarrassing for having such an emotional outburst when he now knew better.  
          It was only six at night when Duo had left the house to walk to the grocery store. It was late February, almost March, and the brisk winter weather was lethargically melting away into spring so he no longer needed his heavy winter coat. There were a lot of dead end alleys in this part of town, used by delivery trucks to access the cargo bays and backs of the stores, but the area was fairly well lit even if there was no one else out. He looked back over his shoulder as a group of teens joined him on the side walk. There were five of them, seniors that he recognized from school, but he didn’t know any of their names. He generally stayed away from the upper class men and he couldn’t help but be nervous of them, but they were chatting and keeping to themselves. He didn’t think any of their presence until he heard their steps speed up. Out of habit, he automatically quickened his own steps. In a shop window, he caught their reflection and swore in his head as he saw they were spreading out like a pack of wolves stalking a young deer and he realized what they were trying to do. He didn’t bother trying to hide that he had found them out; he just broke out into a run. There was no one on the street to help him and he had learned as a child not to put his survival in the hands of strangers. The grocery store was too far away, so as he ran, he looked for a store he could hide in. They were obviously looking for privacy to do whatever they were planning and he could easily wait them out or call Name for help. He vowed that if he survived this, he would never leave the house without a weapon and a cell phone, but he had honestly believed that he wouldn’t have to deal with this sort of thing anymore. He didn’t know what was scarier, that he was very much all alone and pretty much helpless or that he had no idea what the seniors were going to do to him if they caught him. He was a fast runner, but he recognized at least two of them as members of the school track team. The odd thing was that he knew that these boys didn’t hang out together during school. He suddenly realized that this wasn’t going to be a crime of consequence or convenience, it was a tactical strike. They had been waiting for him and this whole thing had been planned.  
          Duo wasn’t shocked when the two track team members caught up with him. He had gotten much father than he had thought he would, but he didn’t even have the chance to scream when he was grabbed by the back of his jacket and dragged into the blackness of an alley.   
   
   
   
   
   
            
          Duo gave out a sharp intake of breath as he was slammed against an alley wall, a hand pressed tightly against his mouth. He struggled against them as they forced him to the ground.  
          “Quit it,” the tallest one ordered and he was slapped, but the hand remained, silencing him. Duo glared at them. The tall boy smirked down at him. He realized that they didn’t have any weapons, but they didn’t need to. Two of the boys restrained him, a third keeping him from screaming as the tall one who Duo considering the leader, watched him with piercing brown eyes. The fourth stood behind him with a video camera, taping the whole thing, Duo saw in shock.  
          “I know what you’re thinking,” the leader said in a teasing tone, “ ‘Just what is going on here?’ Well, I’m not a bad person,” he kneeled in front of Duo so they were eye to eye and Duo felt his heart pound as he saw the hungry look there.  
          ‘Oh, fuck no…’ he thought in fear.  
          “It’s nothing personal, Maxwell,” the tall boy assured him, “we’re not doing this just for kicks. It’s not everyday you’re approached by a cute, little blonde girl with a wad of cash.”  
          Duo’s eyes widened. Relena… what was she thinking?!   
          “It’s going to be the easiest money I’ve ever made,” the senior smirked, “ ‘Rape him and tape it,’ she told us, something about showing your true colors, frankly, I don’t care. The boys here are strapped for cash. Me? This is just plain _fun_ ,” he said, running a finger down Duo’s cheek, his grin growing as Duo tried to flinch away from him.  
          “Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle.”  
          Duo squeezed his eyes closed. He couldn’t believe this was happening again… Why? Why did he have to endure this over and over and over again? Maybe this really was his destiny… Heero and Name couldn’t save him this time, he was all alone again. He thrashed as the senior leaned in to kiss his neck, his large hands slipping under his shirt, his fingers trailing lightly over his stomach, his heat searing.  
          “You’re so cute,” the boy murmured and Duo screamed muffled as his other hand slid down the back of his pants, gripping at one soft cheek.  
          “Damn,” the tall boy licked his lips, “your ass is nicer than my girlfriend’s.”  
          Duo’s legs trembled as they were released and the boy molded himself against him.   
          “You are a sweet little thing, I might not want to share you with these four,” the boy continued as he rubbed one of Duo’s petal soft nipples, pinching it and smirking at Duo’s distorted cry.  
          “Hey!” the boy holding the camera protested, “I want some of the action, too!”   
          The leader ignored him, letting go of Duo’s nipple to unzip the longhaired boy’s pants, his hand searching for his cock.  
   
   
         _“Hello there,” Duo heard a low voice say softly from behind him. The seven year old jumped out of the dumpster where he had been looking for some old morsel of food before he would be too weak to move, ready to run. It was the strange blonde man that had been hanging around for the past year, but how had he gotten the drop on him? He didn’t say anything to the man, not trusting him._  
 _“I’ve seen you around,” the grey eyed man said, “You don’t belong to any of the gangs, do you?”_  
 _Duo shook his head, realizing that the man was standing between him and his only exit, but instead of trying to grab him, the man crouched down and smiled kindly at him._  
 _“Are you hungry, little one? You look hungry… I don’t have much, but probably more than you have. Tell you what, why don’t you come with me, I can make you a sandwich…”_  
 _Despite his fear of the man, the thought of food, not just something rotten or a few bites, but something fresh and homemade, made him realize his terrible hunger and empty stomach. He started to shake._  
 _“What’s the catch?” he asked, his caution’s screaming voice drowned out by the hollowness inside him._  
 _“A job, that’s all. It’s not dangerous and it’s really easy. I’ll give you even more food if you do it well,” the man said, reaching his hand out for Duo’s, waiting for the answer. Duo mulled it over, but this hunger made it hard to think. He nodded and took the man’s very large hand._  
  
  
  
 _He tried to move off the bed, but he couldn’t._  
  
  
 _He was trapped._  
  
  
 _“You and I are going to have a little bit of harmless fun.”_  
  
  
 _“Me? This is just plain **fun**.”_  
  
   
   
          Duo’s heart slammed in his chest unpleasantly, his vision wavering as a hot hand caressed his cock in his jeans and more hands ripped the pants open, tugging his boxers down, fingers stroked his stomach and chest as his shirt was pulled up and cold air hit him. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he screamed and thrashed as two fingers thrust in between his ass cheeks and inside of his body.  
   
   
   
 _Wes spread his buttocks and pressed a finger to his entrance. Tears built up in his eyes as he felt the rough calluses on his virgin body._  
 _“No…” he choked as the finger slipped inside of him, spreading him._  
   
   
   
          ‘Please don’t, please, please, I don’t want it inside me!’ Duo thought, starting to hyperventilate.   
          ‘Why? I didn’t do anything, I’ll be a good boy, I promise!’   
   
  
 _Duo squeezed his eyes shut and screamed as the blonde man shoved into him brutally, his heavy cock ripping through him._  
   
   
          ‘It hurts… it hurts…’ he sobbed inside of his head as he started to fade away and he stared past the tall boy, back through time.  
   
   
   
 _Blood pooled, thick and hot, down his body and onto the sheets, creating a large puddle as Wes thrust in and out of him, rocking his much smaller, damaged body. Duo’s mind was blank except for the incredible pain._  
 _“That’s ok,” Wes panted like an animal as he fucked the child underneath him, “scream all you want, kid, no one’s going to come for you.”_  
   
   
          The fingers slid out of him, but Duo didn’t notice. All he could feel was a huge, phantom cock destroying his body and a torrent of blood that didn’t exist. He could smell him… Wes’ unique smell.  
          ‘Heero…’ the small child that Duo was slowly becoming sobbed. His vision was graying… he was choking… There was so much blood and the unbearable pain…   
   
   
          _“That’s it, struggle, perfect…”_  
   
   
          He was dying… his strength, his growth… he could feel himself, the person he wanted to be, slipping away as his memories came to him, winding back his clock. Oh, god, it hurts so bad… was he breathing? Where was he? Cum… thick, sickening, hot cum was inside him, but though the blood was dripping out of him in huge rivers, the semen remained inside, like a cancer, just growing and growing.  
   
          ‘No no no no no no no!’ the child screamed. Not again he couldn’t survive this; he didn’t want to survive this! He heard footsteps approaching. Chris… was he here, too?  
          Hot lips pressed against his and a tongue wormed inside of his mouth. He opened his eyes slowly. He felt blind as red light filled his vision. He bit down as hard as he could on the invading muscle and when the boy reared back in shock and pain, he kicked him square in the face, shattering his nose. The other four were just as shocked. The longhaired boy had seemed… gone mentally, but suddenly, he was back, looking both terrified and angry at the same time. Duo barely registered the reality through his memories. He could only ‘see’ Wes and feel him inside of him, always inside of him. He thrashed against the two boys holding his arms and, in their shocked state, managed to free himself. He felt detached from himself, watching his actions from a distance as he moved both outside and inside himself. Heero… Heero was safe… he had to get the blood off, had to get Wes’ seed out of him… the child was screaming, wanting to run away from the memories, the sickness, and the filthiness that was clinging to his skin. He kicked one boy in the stomach, making him double over, and elbowed the other in the throat. The boy with the camera dropped it to join the fight as the small boy knocked down the others.  
          “What is going on here?!” a vaguely familiar voice bellowed, “Leave that boy alone!”  
          Duo saw Pagan from over camera-boy’s shoulder, his old face angry, but his broken mind didn’t recognize him. He saw himself grip at his torn pants with one hand and snatch up the camera with the other, but he had a hard time seeing the camera. The only boy left standing glared at Relena’s driver.   
          “Old man,” he growled, but Pagan stood firm.  
          “If you don’t leave Mr. Maxwell alone, I’m going to call the cops,” Pagan threatened. The teenager paled as he realized the trouble he was in and ran out of the alley. Pagan turned to Duo, who was no shaking badly. The boy looked like Hell, his face white and his eyes wild, he looked like he was going to faint at any moment.  
          “Mr. Maxwell, I’m so sorry,” the driver apologized, unsure of whether or not he should approach the teen, “I heard Relena talking to one of them on her cell phone… I should have come sooner.”  
          Duo remained silent and as he ran past Pagan, he seemed to not notice him at all.  
   
   
   
          Duo whimpered as another person bumped into him as he walked. He felt the person look at him, taking in his disheveled appearance, his tortured expression, his shaking and torn clothing, but never made a move to help him. There were too many people… were they going to rape him, too? Did the whole world hate him? Want to hurt him? His pants were soaked with cum and blood and he couldn’t stop shaking. It was so cold. The sounds were muted, yet chaotic around him, like furious bees. He couldn’t stop crying as he walked aimlessly. He felt so broken, he couldn’t grasp at anything concrete. He needed to go someplace safe, where no one could find him, were Wes couldn’t find him. He was chasing him, wasn’t he? The camera was clenched in his grip, but he couldn’t _see_ , he couldn’t feel anything but pain and blood and cold, his vision was bright lit and a black hole was starting to build, deep in his mind. He felt so small… He wanted to run, but his legs were so heavy and useless, like a doll’s. Had the drugs worn off yet? How had he gotten away from the apartment? He couldn’t remember, he didn’t want to remember. Wes would find him, he would hurt him, just like he had promised, but he had nowhere to hide… so why was he moving so quickly? Where was he going? The black hole started to grow, sucking him inside.  
   
   
   
          Name looked up at the clock for the fifth time since Duo had left. She couldn’t help but feel anxious. She hadn’t liked letting Duo out by himself, but he had to take that step on his own. She knew that not enough time had passed for her to worry, but it was becoming a part of her nature. Suddenly, the door slammed open and the alarm screeched. She ran out into the hall to catch the intruder, but instead saw Duo in the hall, his clothes ripped, his eyes red from crying, looking like a blind corpse.  
          “Duo!” she cried out in alarm, but the boy didn’t see or hear her, running past her, up the steps. Heero came out of the laundry room and ran after his friend.  
          “I’ll talk to him, turn off the alarm,” he called back as he ran up the steps. Name ran a hand through her short hair and went to turn off the alarm, anxiety eating through her usual calm.  
   
   
   
   
          As some of Duo’s senses started to come back to him, he found himself in his bathroom. His current self recognized it and cried in relief, but his child self, the part that he had successfully buried so long ago, the part that was now at the surface, only saw the bathroom as shelter and warmth, a place where he could _finally_ be clean, after all of those long years. With a shaking hand, Duo turned on the hot water and managed to shed himself of shoes, sock, jacket and shirt, the child wondering how he knew how to work the shower when he had never taken one before. The torn jeans refused to come off and he gave out a frustrated wail. Blood poured down his legs and pooled around his bare feet on the once clean tiles. He stumbled into the shower, his jeans becoming soaked, but he didn’t care. In frustration, he peeled jeans and boxers off and tilted his head towards the water. He looked down and saw thick, crimson blood and creamy semen swirling down the drain, but he still didn’t feel clean. He grabbed the soap, kneeling on his knees as standing hurt his insides, and scrubbed viciously at his blood and cum stained thighs. Everything hurt and a high pitched buzzing was starting to build in the back of his mind. He brought up his hands and saw that they were also stained with blood, the thick stuff dripping down his arms.  
          “No…” he cried, turning the heat up as high as it could go, but the water refused to wash away the blood and the heat, while it scalded his skin, couldn’t reach his chill. Blood continued to stream down his legs from his mutilated entrance in a never ending torrent.  
          He was never going to be clean, he realized and sat on the floor of the tub, his legs curled up in the steaming water. He laid his head against the wall in resignation, shivering and unable to stop his tears. He was always going to be filthy, this mutated, tainted… _thing_. He wasn’t even human anymore… Why did he have to survive this? His heart… his mind… whatever soul he might have possessed… were already dead. Wasn’t it… _logical_ … that his body should also follow? What was the point in just living? Wes was coming after him and he was sick of the cold, sick of the pain, sick of the wanting and the hunger. The blood felt so hot on his hands and thighs. His insides throbbing, he folded his legs close to his body and wrapped his arms around his knees, his body shaking violently, his eyes staring blankly ahead. He didn’t feel any different, not clean, not warm. He grabbed the bloody soap and scrubbed at his genitals and torn entrance again, not carrying that he was hurting himself and rubbing his skin raw. The self inflicted pain was so much better than what that… man… had done to him. There couldn’t possibly be any semen inside him. He had to have washed it all away, but he could _feel_ it inside of him, hot and thick. He smelled like him, he realized. He had scrubbed and scrubbed, but he could still smell him on his skin, it wasn’t going away…  
   
   
   
          Heero could hear the shower going in Duo’s bathroom. He had allowed him a few minutes of privacy by vacating to his own room, but he was worried. He couldn’t get that blind, wild-eyed look out of his head. Maybe it was another panic attack. If that was the case, all of the privacy in the world wasn’t going to make it better. He knocked on Duo’s bathroom door.  
          “Duo, are you ok?” he called. There was no answer, but Heero could hear a sound over the water that sounded like a child crying.  
          “Shit,” he muttered. He didn’t want to invade Duo’s privacy, especially if he was in the shower, though there was that part of him that was always looking for an excuse to see his friend naked, but right now his worry was stronger than those other feelings.  
          “Duo, if you don’t answer me, I’m coming in,” Heero tried, speaking a bit louder, but Duo still didn’t respond. When Heero turned the knob, he found, oddly, that the door wasn’t locked. Whether Duo had simply forgotten that he could or he had been in too much of a hurry, he didn’t know.  
          “Duo?” he called out again as he entered the bathroom. The whole place was steamed up badly, making it hard to see and he had to turn on the fan. Duo’s clothes were strewn around the room, a camera, oddly, tossed in between the toilet and the cabinet. Heero glared at the torn pair of jeans. What had happened? Had Wes found him or maybe one of his customers? Zechs, maybe?  
          The shower curtain was wide open, water pooling on the tiles around the shower and Heero blushed when he saw Duo. At first, all his mind could register was that his best friend was very naked. He was about to open his mouth to apologize, his face on fire and his libido raging, when his eyes finally took in the rest of Duo’s state. His hair was still braided, plastered to his slim back and pooled on the shower floor. His face was buried in his arms as he had them wrapped around his legs and he was both rocking and shaking, in one he was clutching the bar of blue soap so tightly that his fingers had left grooves. Any attraction or arousal Heero had felt was quickly replaced by frantic worry.   
          “Duo,” he tried for a third time, but to his dismay the boy still either refused to acknowledge him, or rather, he couldn’t hear him. He appeared to be in some sort of trance, but the child-like crying was horrible to listen to. Heero wanted to take him into his arms, but was afraid that the sudden contact would make things worse. All he knew was that he wanted Duo out of the searing water, back amongst the living, and to find out what was wrong so he could make this all better again.  
          “Duo?”   
          Heero had never seen anyone have a psychotic episode before, but when Duo suddenly looked at him with terrified eyes, he realized that that was what it was.  
          “Heero?” Duo asked in a voice that sounded more like a small child than a teenager. Heero nodded, kneeling down to make himself smaller, as though he was trying to approach a frightened cat.  
          “Yeah, Duo, it’s me,” he said in a soft voice that cracked when he said Duo’s name. He looked so scared and lost; it was taking all of his will power not to sweep him up into his arms. A tiny bit of the fear left Duo’s eyes when he recognized the Japanese boy. Heero reached out to touch him, but Duo pressed himself against the shower wall, shying away from him.  
          “Don’t touch,” he murmured, “You’ll get dirty, too.”  
          Heero tried his hardest to smile reassuringly at him, glad that Duo wasn’t refusing his touch because he was scared of him. He needed to touch him to get Duo down from the high, precarious place he was trapped in now.  
          “That’s ok, I don’t mind getting dirty,” Heero tried to assure him, even as tears prickled at his vision. He successfully pried the soap out of Duo’s hand and put it on the edge of the tub. He honestly had no idea what to do in this situation and found himself floundering. Worst of all, Duo was obviously in a state where he couldn’t tell Heero what he needed him to do to make the monsters go away. He wondered if this was how a parent felt when they were faced with a crying infant, knowing something was wrong, but not knowing now to fix it. Dirty… this wasn’t the first time he had heard Duo describe himself as that and he hated it just as much now as he had the first time. Duo shook his head frantically as he felt Heero’s fingers touch his hand to take the soap from him. Somehow, those fingers felt warmer than the water did.  
          “There’s too much blood,” Duo moaned, hysteria starting to build inside of him, but the closer Heero got to him, the quieter the buzzing got.  
          “I can’t clean it no matter how hard I try,” Duo’s arms tightened around his knees, “I can’t get clean,” he looked down, between his legs and watched his blood as it went down the drain with a haunted look in his eye. Heero’s heart pounded as he felt a momentary jolt of panic at the mention of blood. Was he hurt? Heero frantically followed where Duo was looking, only with a slight feeling of embarrassment as studying Duo’s body, but there wasn’t anything sexual about it. Duo was acting like a lost child and while, if he tried to think of it that way, his body was arousing, his concern and love for his friend was like a mental road block against his lust.  
          “He touched me… for hours… all over… I can’t get the stench off,” Duo murmured as Heero searched for the blood. Heero realized as his eyes traveled over the floor of the tub and the soft planes of Duo’s body, that there was no blood, but he didn’t feel relieved. It would have been better if he had had a physical injury to work with, something he could see and touch, but it wasn’t his body that was hurt, it was his mind. He could take care of a physical wound with his hands, but he would have to take care of Duo with his words, something that he wasn’t at all used to doing. Duo was the eloquent one, not him. It was ironic, Duo seemed more awkward than him when it came to dealing with people, but he always knew what to say whether it came to spinning a lie or soothing hurt feelings. Right now, he felt like he was back in the hospital, dealing with something that was causing Duo the worst sort of pain and stress, but also something that he couldn’t see or experience. Just like then, he knew that trying to convince Duo that he wasn’t seeing the blood wasn’t going to help. To Duo, the blood was very real, it was his reality and if Heero wanted to help him, he knew he had to treat it like something real. Something terrible had happened and now Duo was reliving a rape, he might as well have just been raped. Heero realized with a tearing heart that, with how Duo was acting and how young he sounded, he was probably reliving the first time he had met Wes. How was he supposed to make _that_ better? It seemed impossible.  
          “Where is the blood?” he asked. Duo looked meekly down at his thighs.  
          “Everywhere,” he whispered, “It’s always everywhere.”  
          Not leaving his spot by the tub, Heero grabbed a washcloth and towel from the towel rack nearby. He laid the towel on the counter for later use.  
          “I’m going to help you wash it off, okay?” Heero asked for permission, expecting Duo to protest him touching him again, but the boy looked up at him with wide, tortured eyes, looking very much like the broken child he had once been.  
          “Please… help me…” he begged in a tiny, gut wrenching voice, reaching out to the one person he trusted to make things right again. Heero felt a tear escape his eye, but ignored it and climbed into the tub, trying his hardest not to stand and scare the terrified boy further. The scalding water made him wince and the feeling of his jeans and sweater becoming soaked was unpleasant, but he ignored both. He turned the water temperature down to a more bearable warmth and picked up the soap. He refused to take his clothes off for this. The two of them being naked together was too close to something else that he wanted very badly, something that was very inappropriate to even _think_ of right now, still, as he kneeled down in front of Duo, he felt panicked with the thought of washing his naked body.  
          Duo trembled as Heero stood close to him, but he wasn’t scared, for once. Heero wasn’t bad. Heero wouldn’t make him dirty or hurt him. He was the only person he could trust, the only one that loved him. He didn’t want sex, he wouldn’t touch him… down there… when he told him no, when he screamed it at the top of his lungs. Heero was safe, he was his sanctuary. He wrapped his arms around Heero’s soaked chest and buried his face in his sweater, sobbing.  
          “Don’t let the bad man get me,” he pleaded in the high-pitched, childish voice, “I’ll be good! I’ll do _anything_ you want, just don’t let him get me.”  
          Heero didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Duo’s thin, naked back, hearing the anguish in his immature voice. The shorter boy’s heart was racing, pounding almost violently as Heero held him.  
          “I promise, I won’t hurt you and I won’t let anyone else hurt me, not now, not _ever_ ,” Heero swore vehemently. He waited patiently, his wet bangs sticking to his forehead and making water stream into his eyes, for Duo to calm down before releasing him. He felt weird, his stomach prickly and hot, knowing that he had had a very beautiful, very naked Duo in his arms.  
          “Can you tell me what happened?” Heero asked. He knew, roughly, what Wes had done to Duo all those years ago, but he thought that Duo needed to tell him more than that now, when his memories were so glaringly fresh. Duo’s shoulders shook as his hand clenched at Heero’s jeans. He felt tiny and weak, vulnerable, but also protected as Heero put his larger hand over his. It was a powerful conflicting feeling. Heero could hurt him, worse than Wes had, but he was here to protect him. No one had ever protected him before. No one had ever bothered with the intention of making him clean instead of dirtying him more. He just wanted to feel safe. There was a huge difference between his life on the streets and how Wes had raped him. He had been without food, without shelter, but he had been so much safer than that moment when he had taken Wes’ hand In that one decision, he had given up everything, his safety, his innocence… his life and even his future. Would his clock ever start ticking again? In trying to describe what had just happened to him, faltered. His memories in between _then_ and _now_ mixed with the freshness of the ancient memory. It had just happened but it hadn’t… it made his brain feel fractured.   
          “He’s been hanging around for awhile,” the child stepped in to answer for what the teenager couldn’t say, “He said his name’s Wes. He said he’d take care of me, he said he had food, if I could just do one little job for me, just a little one!” Duo almost screamed, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks.  
          “It’s not your fault,” Heero assured him, tucking a few strands of Duo’s wet hair that had escaped the braid behind his ear.  
          “But I was hungry…” Duo whimpered, “It was a bad thing, he was a stranger, but I was so hungry! I just wanted a little bite, to make the emptiness go away, somethin’ that wasn’t rotten.”  
          Heero watched in shock as Duo’s mental state started to dissolve and his speech patterns changed. Duo usually spoke so carefully, cautiously to make sure he didn’t let anyone know he had had to teach himself proper English, but now his speech was quick, just spilling forth and clipped as though it actually pained him to speak.   
          “I took his hand, I let him take me to his apartment. He was so nice to me… The sandwich tasted good, the best ting I had eaten in months and at first, I thought things were going to be ok, that for the first time in my life, I had gotten lucky,” Duo bit his lip, chewing on it slightly, a cute, childish habit, but Heero saw it for what it was. Duo was nervous, on the verge of panicking, but he wouldn’t stop. Heero stroked the top of Duo’s hand with his fingertips, ready to intervene if things got bad.  
          “I blacked out and woke up in his be. He had stripped me and hung my clothes in his closet. He hadn’t needed to tie me up. He drugged me. I couldn’t move, not even to lift my head. I was so scared and I _knew_ , I knew exactly what he was going to do to me, but I couldn’t do _anything_! It was so cold… it is so cold,” he murmured, “he left me alone there, ‘cause he knew I couldn’t run. It wasn’t the first time he had… done that to someone, but I was special. That’s what he always said, that I was special,” Duo’s immature tone mingled with the one Heero was more familiar with for a few seconds, but the child won out, “I just wanted to leave, even if it meant going back to the streets, even if it meant being hungry again, even if it meant being cold again, it was still warmer than now, than that room… I tried to move, tried to run, but I couldn’t. He trapped me, so easily, just like a stupid animal. I guess that’s all I am, a stupid animal.”  
          Heero opened his mouth to protest that assessment, but Duo cut him off.  
          “Then… he came in…”  
          Heero froze. He had heard the other stuff before, though he had still listened intently. Being hungry, going back to Wes’ apartment, eating the drugged sandwich, he knew all of these things, but whenever duo had gotten to his part of the story, he would only say ‘he raped me.’ Was he now going to tell him the _details_ of what had happened? He watched in alarm as Duo’s eyes clouded over in pain and memory and he realized he wouldn’t be able to reach him until he finished.  
          “He told me that street kids were better because no one cared what happens to them, no one would care if I died or disappeared or what ‘cause I was trash. Plus, street kids know all ‘bout rape ‘n sex, so didn’t have to explain what was happenin’. He told me I had twenty minutes before the drugs wore off and in those minutes we were going to have _fun_. He said that, like it was a game, it would be fun. He said it was gonna be harmless, but he was wrong. He said after the… fun… was over, he was gonna show me how to do my job. He tol’ me that if I tried to run away, he would hunt me… like an animal… he would find me and hurt me. He wasn’t lying, I knew that. He could hurt me so badly and there was nothing I could do. He said if I didn’t stop fighting, he would kill me. I should have let him kill me,” he murmured.  
          “He got on the bed, he was still dressed, but I didn’t feel safe. He never made me feel safe, not like you.”  
          Heero blushed.  
          “He spread my legs and _looked_ at me, _examined_ me. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. I just wanted him to stop looking at me. Then, he _touched_ me… down there… it was just a finger and just a slight touch, but it made me want to scream. I couldn’t stop the tears. I said ‘no’. I tried to move and he wouldn’t _stop_! He put one finger inside me. It didn’t hurt, but I just felt so… violated, so… dirty. He did that just because I knew how things worked, because there was no one who cared enough to try to protect me. He thought that gave him the right. I know what happened to trash like me, I had promised myself that I would never do it, no matter how hungry I was, but I didn’t have a choice. I _never_ had a choice!” Duo sobbed, squeezing his eyes hut. Heero stroked his hair, trying to drown out his own pain at what Duo was telling him.  
          “He put another finger inside me, stretching me. But, I knew that it didn’t matter. It was going to hurt no matter how careful he was and he _wasn’t_ going to be careful. Men like him never are. They don’t give a shit about making things not hurt. Why should they? They’re getting their rocks off, what difference does it make to them? He said that it was nothing personal, that it was just because I was cute and pretty and no one was going to come around looking for me, but how could that not be personal? It was always personal with him, just him and me, from the moment he first laid eyes on me. He couldn’t ever let me go, no matter how much I begged him to. He unzipped his slacks… he was so big…”  
          Heero squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted to tell Duo to stop, to just stop. He didn’t want to hear this part, even if his friend needed to tell it, but he let him speak, clutching at his hand. He never would have imagined that hearing about someone else’s pain would hurt so much, but it did.   
          “I knew that it was going to go inside of me, but I didn’t want it. I was terrified, but there was nothing I could do. When he shoved that… thing… inside of me, I screamed. It hurt… _it hurts_ …” Duo shuddered violently, wrapping an arm around his stomach.   
          “My body was invaded and I felt this horrible… tearing sensation. I had known that it would hurt, but it was worse than anything I had ever felt. I thought that I was dying. I could feel the blood… so much blood…” he shuddered again, looking down into the water. Heero opened his eyes and saw him looking there and knew that he was seeing the blood.   
          “He felt so heavy on top of me, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I could feel him, every inch, even though the rest of me felt so numb. I just kept screaming, I couldn’t think to do anything else. I felt like I was going to throw up. There was this black hole inside of me and this white noise, growing and growing. When he started to move, I thought that he was tearing me apart. He told me that it was ok to scream, ‘cause, what difference would that make? No one was going to care what happened to me.”  
          ‘I care,’ Heero thought bitterly, rage starting to build intensely inside of him. He had never wanted to kill another person before. Yes, he had had problems with his anger, but his anger now was very much focused on one thing, one person, Wes.   
          “I couldn’t do a thing,” Duo murmured weakly, shaking, “all I could do was lie there and scream. He told me that it was natural to bleed my first time, but there was just so much of it… I don’t know how long it went on for, long enough to make me go mad, long enough for the drugs to wear off. I found that I could move my arms, but not my legs, but I was still powerless against him. He put his hands on my throat and strangled me,” Duo’s fingers rubbed at his neck, feeling invisible bruises there. Heero’s eyes widened at the admission. Wes had tried to kill him? His anger rose and rose. Duo could have died… but he hadn’t… something had to have happened to make Wes change his mind. Though, he didn’t think that Duo considered prostitution over death such a great thing. At the same time that thought made him sad, he could understand it. He hadn’t ever been raped, but seeing what it had done to his best friend, he could understand how Duo would see death as the better deal.   
          “At first I had thought that he was trying to kill me. Everything went gray, I couldn’t breath, but he just kept fucking me. In fact, he was getting of on it. He got more excited. I tried to get his hands off of me, but he was too strong. Then, all of a sudden, he just… let go. I could breathe again. I thought that he had changed his mind, but then, he was choking me again. Even when I felt myself… going, I tried to fight, but it was so useless… He liked it when I struggled and he kept doing it, squeezing the life out of me, but never letting me die. Then… he climaxed inside of me. I wanted to die, it was so… dirty, and embarrassing, feeling his semen inside of me. It’s still there, I can feel it… deep inside. I blacked out and when I awoke, he was gone. I don’t know what time it was, but everything still hurt. There was semen and blood under my body and I could barely talk, my throat was so sore. There was blood in my mouth, somehow, from the choking. But, I guess I can speak now,” the child murmured, “I didn’t want to move, didn’t want to think or do anything at all. The bed was still warm. He slept next to me. Why would he do that? Why didn’t he just leave?” Duo buried his head in Heero’s clothed shoulder.   
          “My legs hurt, but I could finally move them. They still ache, but I can run. Wes wasn’t in the apartment, I couldn’t hear him. I knew I couldn’t escape. He would find me no matter where I went and he would hurt me. I don’t want to feel the pain anymore,” the longhaired boy whimpered, “It hurt so much… what more can he do to me? I couldn’t take lying on that bed any longer, I couldn’t run, but I needed to get fresh air before I lost anymore of myself. It hurt to move and it made me bleed more, but I got off the bed, anyway. I probably ended up causing myself more damage by moving,” Duo continued to look down into the water, into the blood that only he could see, “I found my clothes in the closet, but I couldn’t handle the pants, it hurt too much.”  
          Heero laid his head on the top of Duo’s as he spoke. It was too much, the knowledge of what had happened to the boy he loved, knowing that Duo was currently trapped in it, thinking that it was still happening, now, despite the facts that what had happened then was different than the present. Duo had obviously gotten rid of his jeans himself, yet he didn’t seem to recall that, or the fact that he wasn’t seven years old anymore, or that he and Heero hadn’t met until much later. Whatever had happened to his friend, it had fractured his mind in half, two people in one body, one that was very aware of what was going on in the present and the other that was trapped in the past, warring between the two of them. Heero had to find a way to get Duo back without causing him anymore stress and he wasn’t sure how to do that. All he could see was Duo the child that had been abused and neglected a loving hand in a time of his life that he needed love the most. All he wanted was to give him that love, to take care of him.   
          “I stained the shirt with blood, but I didn’t care. It wasn’t like I was going anywhere, anyway,” Duo continued in a tortured voice, unaware of the emotional turmoil his best friend was also going through. “How can you stand it? The blood… the smell… how can you bare to be near me?”  
          Heero found himself smiling.  
          “I told you, there’s noting for me to be bothered by. You need me, that’s all that matters, that’s all that’s ever mattered to me.”   
          Duo struggled against his tears, Heero’s words starting to break through his fractured mind to the whole part of him. Heero cared about him, Heero would protect him. He didn’t care if he was dirty or nasty, he just wanted to help him. He could feel the blue eyed boy’s heat through his wet shirt and snuggled against it, feeling it start to dissolve the chill.   
          “I didn’t know where to go or what to do, I just needed to _leave_. I walked outside, to the back steps of the apartment. It was in an alley, next to a Chinese restaurant, but I wasn’t hungry. For the first time in my life, I’m not hungry. I had no intention of running at first. I was too scared, too beaten, to do anything like that. I decided that I would show Wes that I could be a good boy, then maybe he wouldn’t hurt me anymore. It hurt even more to sit down than to stand up, but I was so, so tired, so I sat on the steps and I cried. I had always thought I was stronger than that, but I was wrong. I was always weak. I could feel the blood pooling underneath me, but I was too tired to care anymore. I thought that I would never be warm again, I was scared and cold, but when I heard… sounds… coming from the dark of the alley, I wasn’t really scared anymore. I believe that I’ve met the worst monster out there, in broad daylight, so I can never be truly afraid of the unknown anymore. I’m just afraid of him… and myself, for letting it happen. But… it wasn’t a monster or a man, it was a cat and her kittens.”  
          Heero watched in amazement as Duo turned his head to the side and he saw that he was smiling a little bit.  
          “I had thought that I would never be warm again, but… she was different… _she_ cared about me. She was a cat, not even human, and she had showed me more affection than any other _human_ ever did,” Duo looked up at him, “except for you.”  
          The longhaired boy shivered and his brow furrowed, looking confused.  
          “But… I’m here now… I ran… why did I run? I was supposed to stay behind… now, he’ll follow me and he’ll hurt you, too!” Duo’s eyes were wide and terrified as he looked into Heero’s eyes.   
          “He’ll kill you… it’s all my fault, I wanted to be safe, but I shouldn’t have run!”  
          Heero wrapped his arms around his friend as he started to panic.  
          “It’s not your fault!” he cried, “It’s never your fault! I would rather be in danger and have you safe than be safe myself and know that that bastard was hurting you! If I have to become dirty myself to help make you ‘clean’, then I would happy to see things through your eyes!” Heero pressed his cheek against Duo’s silky hair.  
          “Clean… dirty… broken… I just want you to be happy,” he murmured, feeling Duo’s shivers and shaking, “that man has no power over me and he should have no power over you. Any affection you want, any love you need, safety and warmth… I’ll give you anything you need because you’re my best friend. You’re not dirty… not to me…”   
          Duo’s shaking lessened as Heero released him and picked up the soap, stroking his braid.  
          “You’ll make things better?” the child asked meekly. Heero nodded.  
          “If you don’t want me to help you, just say so,” Heero offered, “I can call my mom or Quatre or Trowa if one of them makes you feel more comfortable.”  
          Duo shook his head and seemed to panic at the thought of anyone else seeing him like that.  
          “Please don’t leave me,” he whispered. Heero’s heart clenched and he nodded.  
          “I won’t leave you,” he promised, “come on let’s get you cleaned up.”  
          Duo seemed to relax when Heero picked up the washcloth and lathered it up with soap, but didn’t leave their intimate space where Duo was close enough to lay his head on Heero’s chest, which he did. Heero blushed again, but focused on controlling his breathing. His eyes traveled over Duo’s slim, pale body. He had so many scars, some of them looking very terrible in the light of the bathroom. He winced at the sight of several electrical and thermal burns on his inner thighs and along his spine. He knew that Duo was anxious to get the ‘blood’ off of him, so, using the washcloth, he washed the soft globes of Duo’s rear, swiping gently in between them, imagining the blood for himself. Having the cloth in between his hand and Duo’s bare skin helped his embarrassment. He focused on the task at hand, keeping his washing gentle and more affectionate than clinical. It wasn’t the feel of Duo’s body through the cloth as he washed his long legs and thighs that made his blush darken, it was the softening of Duo’s breathing and the feeling of his body relaxing against his. He closed his eyes as he washed his friend’s genitals, trying very hard not to notice their shape or remember his own curiosity, just simply washing him. Duo made a small noise of contentment as the soft wash cloth traveled over his stomach, chest, arms, shoulders, and finally his back. Heero felt like his face was going to explode by the time that he was done, but he found it very soothing, also, cleansing Duo’s body as he laid against him. Heero scooted Duo closer to the water to wash off the soap, turning off the water when he was thoroughly rinsed.  
          “Feel better?” he asked. Duo looked down in between his legs, but didn’t see the blood on his thighs anymore. It had felt good, Heero washing him. It was almost like he could feel the pain swirling down the drain along with the soap and dirt. He felt… good. Clean and warm and _good_. Most of all, he felt cared for. He hugged his best friend tightly, trying to show his gratitude as best he could.   
          “Thank you,” he murmured. The child started to sink back where it belonged, deep inside Duo’s mind, and he felt his exhaustion hit him hard. He blinked up at Heero when he felt a soft towel being wrapped around his naked body. Heero smiled down at him as he rubbed the towel against his skin to dry him.  
          “Can you stand?” he asked. Duo tested his leg muscles and found that they didn’t ache anymore. He stood shakily to his feet, one hand clasping the towel around him, his other arm in Heero’s grip to make sure that he didn’t fall. Heero helped him out of the tub and walked him to the door.  
          “Where are we going?” Duo questioned. He still felt shaky and vulnerable, but he trusted Heero to lead him since he didn’t feel up to it himself. Pain still thrummed inside of him, but it felt more bearable with Heero in control. He suddenly caught Heero looking over at the tossed camcorder as they walked and some of his memories of the last couple of hours surfaced briefly, making him pale.  
          “Don’t watch it,” he ordered, but didn’t stop moving forward towards the door. Heero didn’t say anything, but looked away from the camera. It was a promise that he didn’t want to make, because he didn’t think it was one he could keep. He loved Duo and he respected him a lot, but he needed to know what had happened to him and if there was anything on the tape that could give him some sort of clue, he had to watch it. Duo had to understand that. He was still shell shocked, so he wouldn’t do it now. Duo still needed him more than his curiosity did. He shivered slightly in his cooling, soaking clothes, but when he opened the door to the bedroom, he blinked dumbly at the clean, folded pair of pajamas on the floor on the other side of the door.   
          “Mom,” he sighed. He had hoped not to get her involved with this until Duo had his feet back under him, but when he quickly looked around the room, he didn’t see any other indicator she had been there except for Duo’s pajamas on the bed, which was unmade, just for them. At least she knew enough to keep her distance, he thought. He would have to explain a lot later, but right now he had to get Duo into bed and help ward off the nightmares he was bound to have tonight.  
          “Am I going to bed?” Duo asked in a small voice. Heero nodded.  
          “I think we both need a nap,” he said. Duo stared at him with wide eyes.  
          “You’re going to sleep with me?” he asked in an odd tone.  
          “If you want me to,” Heero offered. Duo nodded.  
          “I liked it… last time,” he murmured meekly and they both blushed this time. Heero closed the shades, Duo’s arm still in his hand, and helped him to get dressed. The towel dropped to the floor and Heero had no problem helping Duo into the shirt, but when it came to the pajama pants he had to look at the wall over Duo’s shoulder in order to keep from combusting. Duo’s remaining tension seemed to leave him when Heero finally got him into bed and pulled the covers over him. Duo closed his eyes and snuggled into the covers. His eyes shot open again when he felt Heero’s comfortable heat leave him and the dip in the bed where Heero had been kneeling disappeared. He sat up quickly and reached madly for the back of Heero’s shirt.  
          “Don’t leave me!” he cried out in a panic.   
          “It’s ok, Duo!” Heero assured him, at Duo’s side in less than a second, “I’m not leaving. I need to turn on the night light and change my clothes, ok?”  
          Duo hesitantly let go of Heero’s wet shirt, but Heero could tell that he really hadn’t wanted to. He could see the panic and fear in his violet eyes, so he worked quickly. He shucked out of his clothes in the bathroom, but made sure that at least one arm or leg was in Duo’s sight at all times, then flipped on the orb on top of the TV and flicked off the lights, basking the room in a mutes, soft and soothing glow. Duo peered at him anxiously over the covers, waiting impatiently for him to return to touching distance. Heero smiled softly at him and slipped under the covers with him, hugging him close.   
          “I’m right here and nothing’s going to hurt you, ok? Just rest, heal, there isn’t anything else you need to do right now,” Heero soothed. Duo relaxed against his chest. The teenager part of him felt the child sink back into him, feeling safe and warm in Heero’s arms. The shock of the two of them merging again sent him into a deep, terrible sleep.  
  
End Part 10


	19. The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero watches the tape of what happened to Duo. Duo decides that he doesn't want any retribution against Relena. Name finds out why Duo has been sneaking out of the house at night.

 The Road to Kindness  
 Chapter 6  
 Part 11  
   
          The first nightmare started barely an hour later, not enough time for Heero to fall asleep, but it took him by shock when Duo’s body jolted as if electrocuted. He didn’t know why it was so surprising. If he had ever thought that there would be no nightmares tonight, he would have to be a moron. At first, it was just thrashing, but then Duo started to cry.  
          “No!” the longhaired boy cried out, his body rolling this way and that, fighting off an invisible attacker. Heero panicked when the other boy almost fell off the bed, so he grabbed him, rolled onto his back, and rolled Duo onto his stomach, keeping him still as he lay on top of him. Duo fought against him for a few minutes, but stilled quickly once Heero started to stroke his hair. Duo sagged against him, his head tucked under Heero’s, as the taller boy started to hum. It was an old Japanese lullaby his mother had sung to him when he had had nightmares and it was mostly a subconscious action, but it seemed to work. Duo made small moans and whimpers, but didn’t thrash around. Heero realized that there was no way around it, it was bound to be an impossibly long night. He sighed and relaxed against the pillows. He already felt tired, stretched thin because of emotional turmoil and anxiety, but he had to stay awake, he had to guard Duo’s sleep. That was more important to him than sleep, any day.  
   
   
          Sometime in between 1 and 2 a.m., Heero realized that, unlike in the hospital, if he didn’t have something to do while looking after Duo, he was probably going to go insane. He didn’t know if it was the insomnia or if it was his own burning curiosity, but he decided to make a go for the camcorder. At first, he had thought that he could just make a run for the bathroom and make it back before another nightmare started, but he didn’t want to leave Duo alone, even for a second. Besides, when he tried to move, Duo’s body tensed sharply and his whimpers grew louder. Heero tightened his grip on his friend and did the only thing he could think of. He needed to see what was on that tape. He could ignore it, but the story had to come out either way. There was no way he or his mother, let alone Trowa and Quatre who had to know that something was wrong by now, were going to let Duo get away with not telling them what was wrong. At least, if he could see what had happened, he wouldn’t have to put his friend through another tell all and after last night, he didn’t think that he would want to do that again in the morning. He couldn’t leave Duo alone, so he picked his friend up as gently as he could and walked to the bathroom. Duo made things easy, wrapping his arms around him in his sleep, letting out a soft, satisfied grunt before falling silent again. Heero couldn’t help but smirk at that, rubbing at Duo’s thin back as he walked. Considering Duo’s weight, it wasn’t that hard and he wasn’t squirming and thrashing as long as he was in Heero’s arms, which Heero didn’t mind one bit. Now that Duo wasn’t speaking in that childish voice or crying or begging him to help him, his libido was back full force, which wasn’t helping having the warm body in his grasp, but was used to denying himself that dream. Actually bending down to grab the camera turned out to be harder than picking Duo up and walking to the bathroom, but Duo’s arms around him helped him to free one hand to pick up the camera, but by the time he got back to the bed and got onto his back with Duo on his stomach again, he felt a little bit like a contortionist. He wondered how Trowa was so… bendy… when it made him feel like a piece of taffy. With a heavy sigh, he laid back and opened the screen of the camera.   
          There was a tiny crack in the screen, but when he hit the replay button, he found that it worked fine. He rewound the tape and pressed play, turning the sound down so it wouldn’t wake Duo up, but enough that he could hear. He still felt a little… raw… after hearing Duo’s story from earlier and he wasn’t sure if he was ready for another shock, but his need to know forced him to watch. The cameraman wasn’t very good at his job. The picture dove and waved and Heero realized that he or she was walking. He heard young, male voices talking and laughing in the background as the camera shook. He frowned as the picture suddenly straightened and he saw Duo’s back, it was obvious even though he was far away with the short stature and long braid going down his back. He watched as the camera followed him down the block. What the hell was going on? Suddenly, he saw Duo break out into a run on the small screen and he finally saw the four boys as they ran after him like wolves and the camera struggled to keep up. Heero watched in horror as they finally caught up with his best friend and dragged him into the alley, pinning him down and kept him from fighting back or screaming. When he saw one of the boys feeling Duo up, his hands clenched and when he saw him actually touch his friend in places that no one deserved to touch him, his hands tightened so severely that he almost crushed the camera. He growled as he watched the boy slap Duo across the face when he dared to struggle. In the background of his fury, the older boy’s words echoed.  
   
   
 _“It’s nothing personal, Maxwell, we’re not doing this just for kicks. It’s not everyday you’re approached by a cute, little blonde girl with a wad of cash. It’s going to be the easiest money I’ve ever made. ‘Rape him and tape it’, she told us, something about showing your true colors, frankly, I don’t care. The boys here are strapped for cash. Me? This is just plain **fun**. Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle.”_   
   
          Watching the boy’s hand dive into Duo’s pants, front and back, and Duo start to cry, he saw red. He felt like he was going mad, watching the boy he loved being molested hours ago and being completely helpless to do anything. He wasn’t used to that. He was used to actions instead of words, he was used to always being capable to solve anything through violence or force, not sitting around while there was a huge problem above his head, or rather, sleeping on top of him. Relena… that bitch! He was going to kill her! This was beyond stepping the line and pissing on it. No one touched Duo, no one! No, first he was going to beat the shit out of those boys, then he was going to kill that prissy cunt! He tightened his arms around Duo, but continued to watch. He felt fear shake him when the light when out of Duo’s eyes as he was almost raped and become listless, but it was replaced by rage when the boy kissed Duo, then intense pride when Duo fought back and quickly beat the crap out of his attackers. The tape ended and Heero put it on the floor under the bed, out of sight. His first impulse was to throw it against the wall, but that wasn’t acceptable. The noise would just wake Duo up and it wouldn’t really make him feel any better. Besides, evidence of what those boys had done would come in handy. He probably wouldn’t be able to use it to do anything legally to Relena, but what he wanted to do to her right now had nothing to do with the law. He looked down at Duo, still sleeping peacefully on his stomach. He smiled at him. His love for him burned at such an intensity it almost made him feel ill. He wanted to protect him, but he realized that he couldn’t always do that, which made him hate himself. He kissed the top of Duo’s head.  
          “I love you,” he murmured.   
   
   
          At four a.m., Heero was still wide awake with Duo safely in his arms. The other boy hadn’t stirred other than a few twitches and soft murmurs for the last hour, for which Heero was glad. His mind was whirling with thoughts and he wasn’t sure that he was up to trying to silence another nightmare. They had been going on and off all night long, but it seemed that if Heero was in physical contact with him, Duo would only cry and whimper and not thrash around. If Duo awoke with a full mind again, he would refuse to miss school, even if they had to wake up in less than two hours. Heero wasn’t sure if he was going to let him talk him into it this time. The boy had had a severe psychotic break and even if he woke up back in control of himself, it wasn’t something that he was just going to get over. The break had been building up for all these years and, for whatever reason, it had taken a bunch of idiot boys from school to finally bring it to the surface. Heero hoped that helping him through it, giving him a shoulder to cry on, would help to mend the break, but he doubted it. More like he had helped to force it down into Duo’s mind again. Not the healthiest thing, but Heero was lost. All he could think to do was comfort him and try to get the Duo he was familiar with back. He wasn’t a shrink, he had no knowledge of the human mind, all he could do was what his instincts told him to do; protect Duo. However, he also loved Duo and had a hard time not giving him whatever he wanted. He wasn’t sure if Duo said that he was going to school today, he would be able to tell him no.   
          “Why?” Duo’s soft voice broke through the silence of the room. Startled, Heero looked down at him. His cheek was resting on his lower chest and his eyes were half-lidded, still half-asleep, but his voice was normal. Heero breathed in relief. His friend was back, not completely awake, but he was still mostly there.   
          “Why do I have to go through this now?” Duo murmured, his voice muffled as he lingered in between sleep and wakefulness, “I’ve been raped most of my life. It’s as normal to me as being hungry, it’s who I am, what I am, it’s what I know.”  
          “That’s not true!” Heero snapped. Duo blinked up at him, starting to wake up a bit more.  
          “You are so much more than what some perverts did to you! You’re smart and kind, you’re not just a rape victim, you don’t ever have to be that! It isn’t normal for you. Just because it’s happened hundreds of times doesn’t mean that it’s normal. You never got ‘used to it’, you always hated it. It just kept building and building and building up inside of you until you finally relaxed. You thought that worst was over and it _should have been over_! Of course you snapped when it happed again!” Heero kept his arms around his friend, never letting go even during his rant. Duo laid his head back down.  
          “I don’t like this,” he murmured, “I don’t want to be so out of control.”      
          Heero stroked his hair.  
          “It’s ok. What happened… you fought back, you were in control, even if you don’t realize it. There was always a part of yourself that knew what you needed to do. You fought back and ran back here, to be safe. You may not have realized things through your memories, but there was a very rational part of you that knew how to fight back and how to make yourself safe.”  
          “You made me safe,” Duo murmured, closing his eyes, “That’s why… I knew where I needed to go…”  
          Heero watched with a sad expression as Duo fell asleep again.   
   
   
          Name slept fitfully that night. Her curiosity and worry wouldn’t let her fall into a deep sleep. She didn’t like the fact that both Duo and Heero had gone to bed without dinner, but she had left them alone. There was obviously something seriously wrong going on with Duo and giving his past, that didn’t sound good. She wanted to know what was going on with the boy she had taken in, but she also cared about him a great deal and knew that she should probably keep her distance and let Heero talk him through it. She had done what she could, though, getting Duo’s room ready for them while they had been in the bathroom. Knowing that her son and his best friend were in there at the same time, made her even more curious. All she could remember as she tried to sleep were the crazy look in Duo’s eyes and his torn jeans. She had been in and out of sleep all night along and had finally given up the ghost at five in the morning. Sometime last night, she had made her decision and she called the school, leaving a message on Khushrenada’s answering machine. She put a pot of coffee on in the kitchen and drank enough of it to change her state from partially awake to fully. She had spent most of last night dodging questions from Quatre and Trowa and worrying about Duo and right now, she was not happy at all about the situation. She could tell that Heero’s friends were also foaming at the mouth to find out what was going on, but she had absolutely nothing to tell them and their curiosity would have to wait. She read the paper until six, letting Heero sleep in. She had no intention of waking up Duo at this hour, but she needed to have a little chat with her son.  
          Name lightly knocked on the door to Duo’s room, feeling a little bit too wide eyed and bushy tailed considering her restless night.   
          “Come in,” she heard Heero say in a hushed voice through the door. She came into the room to find Heero wide awake and approached the bed. Her son had dark circles under her eyes and looked troubled. When she had decided to take Duo in, she had known that it was going to create a lot of problems, but she had hoped that Heero wouldn’t have to bear the brunt of them. The television was on in the room, but Heero had put the volume on mute and the closed captions on so he could watch it without waking Duo. It was clear to Name that he hadn’t slept all night, simply watching over his friend’s sleep. Duo was fast asleep, laying on his side on top of Heero. Heero was sitting up, propped up by rearranged pillows and Duo had his head resting on the taller boy’s stomach, his arms wrapped around Heero’s left leg as he snuggled against him like Heero was a giant teddy bear. Name smiled at the sight. It was cute and endearing, making her want to take a picture, but at the same time, Duo’s desperate grip on her son was also heartbreaking.   
          “Have you two been like this all night?” she asked with a raised eyebrow. Heero gave her an annoyed look.  
          “No, he had a nightmare and we ended up in this position. I decided to take the opportunity to watch some TV, why?”  
          She just smirked at him and sat on the edge of the bed. She took a long look at Duo and felt a little more relaxed. He seemed to be sleeping peacefully and he looked better than Heero currently did. She brushed Duo’s bangs out of his face and he squirmed, making a small noise before relaxing again. She smiled softly at him.  
          “I called the school,” she told Heero, “Neither of you are going to school today, my mind’s made up about that.”  
          She expected Heero to protest, but he simply nodded. She took that to mean he was either too tired or too worried about Duo to fight her decision.  
          “Do you want me to move him?” she asked. If Heero had been watching over Duo like this all night, his legs were probably cramped and he would need to stretch them.  
          “No,” Heero told her, “he’ll just wake up or have another nightmare. If I’m not touching him, he thinks that he’s alone and panics.”  
          Name nodded slightly. She knew that she should feel uncomfortable with the two boys entangled like they were now but she didn’t. Duo needed physical affection even more than most his age and Heero’s presence did seem to help him through a lot of emotional trouble.  
          “Did you find out what’s wrong?” she asked him and her chest tightened in anticipation when he nodded.  
          “Relena paid some boys, five of them, from out school to rape Duo, tape it, and show it to me to make me believe he was… some sort of slut, I guess.”  
          Name’s hands curled into fists. Relena… something about that girl had always made her feel uneasy and now she was doing everything that she could to destroy Heero. Oh, that wasn’t her intention, but that was exactly what her so-called ‘good intentions’ were doing. She had thought about waiting until Relena stepped over the line of a woman scorned and into a more psychotic territory, but the girl had just run right the hell over it. What she had tried to do to Duo, who hadn’t done a damn thing to her, was beyond criminal, beyond wrong. Only, Name didn’t really know what to do to make Relena stop. She was beyond threats, the girl’s actions had proved that to her, and she refused to use the company to destroy the life of a single girl, that would simply be an abuse of her power. As much as she hated Relena, she just wanted her to stop. Destroying people that pissed her off was beyond her. She liked to think that she was better than tat, better than Relena and her dirty tactics, even if her instincts wanted her to gut Relena like the worm she was. She also knew that, as much as Relena had hurt him, Duo would never let her attack the girl for what she had done to him. Duo frustrated her sometimes. He never tried to defend himself, even when he could.   
          “They found him last night when he was going to the grocery store. They dragged him into an alley and tried to assault him. He had some sort of… psychotic break… but he fought back and got away. He had a hard time last night, but… he’s doing a little bit better now,” Heero said, looking down at Duo. Name followed his gaze, feeling quite a bit proud of him for escaping out of a bad situation without any outside help.  
          “Hm,” she murmured and Heero glared at her.  
          “Is that all that you have to say?!” he snapped, “Aren’t you at all surprised that Relena did this.”  
          “Don’t be an ass,” Name snapped back, “Of course I’m surprised, but I’m not surprised that he had a melt down! In fact, I’ve been waiting for it!”   
          The two of them froze as Duo tensed at the sound of their rising voices and whimpered.  
          “Shit!” Heero swore as Duo suddenly started to thrash again, fighting against him. Duo got out of his grip and rolled onto the bed, crying and panting.  
          “No, leave me alone!” Duo cried out.  
          “Move over!” Name snapped at Heero who got onto his side and moved towards the opposite edge of the bed. His mother slipped into bed with them, Duo in the middle, and wrapped her arms around the violet eyed boy, her long fingers stroking his hair..  
          “Ssh, it’s ok, we’re here, sweetie,” she soothed. Heero snuggled up to Duo’s back putting an arm around Duo’s waist and nuzzled his still damp, long hair. After several long, torturous minutes, Duo relaxed between them and seemed to settle into sleep again. Name sighed deeply and met her son’s eyes over Duo’s head.  
          “So, I bet you never thought that you would end up in bed with me again, huh?” she teased. Heero snorted.  
          “I’m going to sleep now,” he grumbled, closing his eyes. Feeling Duo’s now familiar heat in his arms, sleep came easily.   
   
   
   
          Duo awoke in total confusion. Where was he? He winced as he opened his eyes. He felt so strange… He didn’t have a headache, but his head felt heavy and muddled. He couldn’t remember… He was lying down, but he couldn’t remember why that was. He was obviously in his room, the soft glow of the room told him that, but he couldn’t figure out why he was there as his mind was screaming at him that there was something wrong about him being in bed right now. He sat up and rubbed at his eyes. His whole body felt heavy and he yawned. Suddenly, his eyes widened as his memories came back to him in a rush, his sleepy fog lifting. He remembered… he didn’t want to remember, but now he did. He remembered last night perfectly, the assault, the mental break, Heero taking a shower with him… his face flamed and he grabbed at his head, groaning. He felt like he was going to be sick, remembering the lack of control, the soothing feel of Heero’s hands on his naked body, knowing that his best friend had had to see him fall apart all over again. What the hell was wrong with him? Heero had told him that he had done the right thing, that he had had control, and he knew that the other boy didn’t pity him, but he felt so embarrassed. His mind was sick, how the hell could he go to school if he had to see them, those five boys, every single day? That was what was wrong, he realized. His inner clock told him that he had been sleeping for a very long time and by now, school had already started. He blushed deeply as he felt movement on either side of him and realized that he wasn’t alone. He vaguely remembered Heero sleeping with him, but he hadn’t realized that he was still there.  
          “Duo?” he heard Name ask from his right side, “Are you alright, honey?”  
          He looked up at her as she sat up next to him, his face feeling on fire. Her status as his best friend’s mother made him feel very awkward. She had slept with him that one time and he felt comfortable with her, but he felt like he was taking advantage of her kindness, too. It was more like he felt uncomfortable only because he was supposed to be uncomfortable in this situation.   
          “Duo,” Heero sighed on his left side. Duo shook his head.  
          “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” he murmured, “I promised you I’d be stronger and I go and fall apart again, you must be sick of it!”  
          Heero sighed again, putting his hand over Duo’s as it lay on his leg.  
          “I don’t regret it and I’m not sick of it. I didn’t become friends with you because I thought things would be simple and effortless between us.”  
          Duo ran his fingers through his messy bangs.  
          “What happened last night…” he almost choked on his words, “t-thank you. I know it was embarrassing and stupid and you didn’t have to do it… but… you’re the only one who would have thought of what the right thing to do was.”  
          Heero smiled and bumped their heads together affectionately.  
          “It wasn’t all that embarrassing, I just hope I didn’t overstep my bounds…”   
          Duo shook his head.  
          “I know I wasn’t really making much sense last night, but you knew what to do, what I needed. I’m still sorry for falling apart like that… I’m still not entirely sure what happened. I feel like my brain’s turned to scrambled eggs,” he turned to Name, who was watching his and Heero’s discussion with confusion and amusement.   
          “We know what happened, Duo, you don’t need to explain,” Heero told him. Duo’s blush severely darkened as he realized that Heero must have watched the tape. He didn’t hate him for that. Heero had never promised him that he wouldn’t watch it and he was actually glad that he had. He didn’t _want_ to talk about it, but if Heero knew the facts, he hoped that he wouldn’t have to. He just wanted to forget about it. The story of his life, just hoping to forget. Relena had gone after _him_ personally and he knew that she would never stop, so what was the point of thinking about it. Her plan had failed. Heero had watched the tape and they were still best friends. Hell, after what Heero had done for him last night, he felt even closer to him and he hoped that Heero felt the same way. That was a sort of victory, wasn’t it? Still, how close he had come to being raped again replayed over and over in his mind and knowing that Heero had seen him being… felt up… was the worst sort of humiliation. But Name and Heero didn’t hate him for it, so why did he feel so haunted by it, so anxious?  
          “You don’t have to worry about those boys, Duo,” Name assured him, “I’m going to talk to their parents. Heero told me you did enough damage to put at least one of them in the hospital and that you brought home a tape of it. I’m sure that Treize won’t let them back when he finds out. He’ll keep it discrete, or course, but if there’s something else you want me to do, and what you want to happen to Relena, it’s all up to you, ok?” Name patted his shoulder. Duo nodded.  
          “I don’t want to cause their families any trouble. What they did has nothing to do with their parents. But, if they’re willing to rape me for money… I just don’t want to see them everyday until they graduate. I wouldn’t be able to face them, knowing what they tried to do. I can’t ever forgive Relena for what she id, but what she did didn’t amount to anything. I don’t care what happens to her.”  
          “How can you say that?” Heero demanded, but paused when Duo looked at him with pained eyes.  
          “I’ve seen what violence accomplishes and I don’t want anything to do with it. Say you do threaten her. She’s not going to stop. You’d have to either kill her, which no one here would ever do, or beat her, which _I_ won’t let you do. Even if you did, then what? Will you really be happy with that?” Duo asked. Heero sighed.  
          “I guess not. It’s not like I can have her arrested. There’s no definite proof it was her. With her money and status, she’d never go to jail anyway. But I still want to beat the shit out of her!” Heero growled. Name rolled out of bed and stretched.  
          “Enough talk of revenge. We’ll just have to be careful around her from now on, that’s all,” she said. Duo suddenly remembered one of the thoughts he had had last night when he had been being chased.  
          “I’m sorry about not getting the milk and bread,” he murmured. The other stuff they could live without, but the bread and milk were things they definitely needed. Name ruffled his hair.  
          “I told Trowa and Quatre to pick some up after school, so don’t worry about it,” she assured him. Duo sat up straighter.  
          “What about school?” he asked frantically, “What time is it?”  
          “You two aren’t going, Duo,” she informed him firmly, “after what happened, you both need a day off. It’s already 10, so you might as well accept that.”  
          Duo sighed. He hated missing school. He hated that feeling of knowing he was supposed to be somewhere else and missing things, but Name was right. He felt shaky, thin, unsure, and Heero looked exhausted. Guilt hit him. He was sure that Heero had stayed awake all night because of him.  
          “Name,” Duo said nervously, “un… is that, uh, cell phone offer still open? After what happened, I think I’d like one.”  
          Name snorted.  
          “Duo, after last night, hell will freeze offer before I let you out of this house again without a phone! Now,” she smiled softly at him, “I think someone needs a nice cup of hot chocolate.”  
          Duo brightened at the sound of that. It _would_ make him feel better and he was pretty thirsty.  
          “I’ll bring you up some coffee, Heero,” she told him and opened the door to leave.  
          “Thanks, Mom,” Heero called back and sunk back into the sheets.  
          “Are you really ok?” he asked Duo when his mother had left. Duo nodded.  
          “I feel a bit shaky, but I’ll be ok,” he assured him. Heero seemed to accept that.  
          “Alright. What do you want to do with our day off?”  
          Duo found the remote where Heero had hidden it in the sheets and turned on an early morning cartoon show.   
          “Personally, I just want to sit here with you and watch TV, play some video games, maybe go out to lunch?” Duo thought out loud. Heero smiled.   
          “Fine with me,” Heero smirked, “but no reality TV.”  
          Duo snorted.  
          “I second that,” he grumbled.  
            
   
   
          Name returned a few minutes later with three steaming cups, one hot chocolate, one tea, and one coffee. She sat on the edge of the bed as the three of them sipped on the hot liquid and watched cartoons.  
          “What did you dream about last night?” Name suddenly asked Duo. He paused in drinking the hot chocolate. It felt good in his stomach, somehow giving him that safe feeling again.   
          “My first job,” he murmured, “I think… because I fought back this time and I wished that I had back then…”  
          Heero and his mother looked at him solemnly and Heero turned off the TV.  
          “Want to talk about it?” he offered softly. Duo had a far off look in his eye and Heero was worried that another break would occur, but as disturbed as Duo was, thinking about his past and his nightmares, which were really the same thing, he didn’t seem unstable.   
          “Wes had been training me for months, training me to be a whore. I kept telling myself that I wasn’t nervous, not anymore,” he said, “I told myself that sex was sex, it didn’t matter. Wes had raped me too many times for me to care, but that was a lie. Wes gave me the address I was supposed to be at, the time I was supposed to go there, and told me to come straight home when I was done. I couldn’t read very well back then, but I could match up letters on the street signs. He never trusted me, but he trusted his training. I could have run away, but I was too scared, too beaten , and I just didn’t see the point in running back to my old life, so I did what I was told.”   
          Name and Heero listened to Duo talk, not wanting to interrupt him for any reason now that he had gotten started. Heero couldn’t imagine that sort of blind hopelessness. Even when things were bad, even when he thought that his destiny had been chosen for him, he had had at least _some_ choices.  
          “It was hard getting into some strange guy’s car and that never got easier. My whole life, until I met Wes, I had learned to never trust strangers, which was everyone. But, I realized that it didn’t matter. I would have to deal with bad guys for as long as I would be a prostitute. Hell, I was living with the worst of them. Wes looked normal, but, for some reason I had expected some sort of scarred monster for my first customer, but he was very… normal. He called me cute and asked if I was nervous. I told him no. I couldn’t ever get over how happy all those men were when they were with me. I guess that’s because I saw it as a punishment, but they all saw it as something great, pleasurable. Some of them hated that I wasn’t a virgin anymore, but others loved that I was experienced. My first was like that. He took me out in the woods and we stayed in his car. I had no idea what he wanted and that terrified me. He told me not to be scared and to get onto his lap, which I did. He said that I was sweet. That embarrassed me more than anything else. Street rats weren’t cute or pretty or sweet. He ordered me to give him a blowjob. I did. It was hard, even after all those weeks and months of practice, giving blow jobs were difficult for me because I was too small and I had to struggle to deep throat anyone. I figured I would get better when I was older, but I didn’t want to think about my future, it just made me depressed. He penetrated me, but just with his fingers, so that wasn’t so bad. He came inside my mouth, but I was used to that, even if it tasted bad,” Duo had no idea why he was admitting these things to his best friend and his mother, but he found that it felt kind of good and couldn’t stop, “He paid me and dropped me off from where he had picked me up and left me there. It was the first time I had ever had real money on me and I was hungry. I was supposed to go straight back to the apartment, but instead I stopped to buy food. I shouldn’t have, I know that now, but I figured it wasn’t a big deal. I was wrong. As soon as Wes found out that I hadn’t handed over all of the money, he beat me.”   
          Duo finished his story and felt flat, almost washed out. He hated talking about his past and, until meeting Heero, he had avoided doing so. Solo and his other pro friends knew the vague details, but he had never told anyone the truth like this. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it. It was embarrassing, telling people that he truly cared about his dirty, dark past. It also made him feel good, like lancing an infected wound. Yes, the process hurt, bringing things to the surface he didn’t want to think about, let alone talk about, but it was sort of a release, too. He found that Heero was holding his hand, his beautiful blue eyes smoldering with sorrow and repressed fury. He wondered what he was thinking. It was different than what had happened with Wes. He had willingly gotten into that man’s car, had willingly given him a blow job, and had even taken his money. He may not have wanted to, but he hadn’t gone into the deal kicking and screaming, either. Did that make him a participant in his own rape? He looked up at Heero, but when their eyes met, there was no disgust in Heero’s expression, just sadness and a strange sort of acceptance. When he smiled down at him, Duo felt the thing constricting his heart crack and break away, finally allowing him to relax and breathe deeply. He looked over at Name and saw that she had been silently crying in a dignified way that only she could have managed. It made him feel oddly warm inside, knowing that hearing about those bad things happening to him had made her so upset, she had cried. He felt terrible about it at the same time that it made him happy to know that she cared so much.  
          “I’m sorry,” she aid simply, patting his hand, “there are a lot of bad people in the world. I’m sorry you had to learn that so young.”  
          Duo shrugged. He really didn’t know how to respond to that. Living on the streets had taught him that the world was not filled with good Samaritans, but it wasn’t until meeting Wes that he had learned how nasty most people were. He knew now that _bad_ came in different forms. The boys that had attacked him hadn’t been gay, he knew that at least three of them had girlfriends, but one of them was known to nail anything that moved and he wasn’t surprised that the other four had take up the offer, given how bad the economy was right now and people’s greedy natures. Nowadays, it didn’t take a lot to get people to do tings against their natures for cash. He doubted that it had been cheap for Relena. He equally doubted that she had had an easy time finding boys from their school to take that hit which explained to him why the five of them had never spoken to each other before then. If your friend didn’t know, it was easier to pretend that it had never happened. Relena had probably had to ask quite a few people before finding any self-respecting teenaged boy that would be willing to do another boy, though he didn’t think that any of the boys that had turned her down were going to tell on her, not for _his_ sake, anyway. He still couldn’t believe that he had fought back. He had always just _taken_ _it_ , accepted the humiliation and abuse because he considered it normal. But, maybe the reason why he had fought against it this time was because things were different now. He had a family, people that respected him. He had left his old life and he never wanted to go back there. Hell, he was willing to do just about anything to _keep_ from going back there, even if there was that lingering lust for the familiar. He liked where he was now. He didn’t want to be weak anymore. He lay back amongst the pillows and turned on the TV again. He would have a lot of explaining to do when Quatre and Trowa got back from school, but right now, that didn’t matter he was home.  
   
   
   
   
          Quatre looked over at Duo nervously as the five of them sat in the school’s cafeteria together for lunch. He and Trowa had spent all of yesterday, worried about their longhaired friend after he and Heero had skipped out on dinner the other night. Name had assured them that everything was fine, but Quatre hadn’t been fooled. Name had been just as worried, if not more. His anxiety had gotten worse yesterday when Name had told them that Duo and Heero were going to be missing school and to pick up groceries on their way back because Duo hadn’t done it the previous night, which was just plain fishy to him and his tall lover. When Duo was concerned, anything wrong, _especially_ missing school, was a big deal. Their classmates had come up with all kinds of tall tales to try and explain why they weren’t at school, but Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei had ignored them all. At least Wufei had believed them when he had been told they were just as clueless as he was. Fortunately, when they had gotten back, duo had seemed fine. He wasn’t hurt and looked well rested He had sat them both down and told them as much as he had been comfortable with, that Relena had sent some boys after him, to dirty him in Heero’s eyes, but Duo had gotten away. However, he had had a small melt down, so he hadn’t gone to school, but he was feeling much better now.  
          Quatre and Trowa had been understandably furious. Trowa had wanted to track Relena down and put the fear of all of them into her, but Heero had assured them that they had already gone down that road and Duo had decided to ignore her. They had decided that they were just glad that Duo was ok and left it at that. However, their resolve had been seriously tested this morning when the four of them had gone to school. Duo had spotted it first, but hadn’t said anything, hoping none of his friends would notice it, but Heero was alert after what had happened. Relena and her limousine, sticking out like a sore thumb, had been parked across the street. Relena had glared them down, but as soon as she spotted Duo and Heero, only inches apart, she had gotten a sour look on her face and had gotten back into the limo, driving off. Heero had thought that it would have been quite easy for him to run over there and punch her in the face, but Duo had gripped at his jacket and Heero hadn’t moved away from him. Wufei had met the four of them at the lockers, concerned for Duo’s health and the violet eyed boy had told him the same thing he had told Quatre and Trowa.  
          Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei had spent the day watching their American friend carefully for any indicator that he was struggling, but he really did seem fine. They all knew that they weren’t being told the whole story, but they didn’t press. Whatever they weren’t being told seemed deeply personal, so they let it go. Right now, Duo was messing around with the black cell phone Name had given him, trying to figure out, on his own, how it worked. Though he had asked her for it, he didn’t like the phone _or_ the taser she had forced him to take; it scared him a little bit that she had whipped _that_ out like she had just had it lying around. He didn’t like the cell phone because he had always hated them. They were annoying, too complicated for their purpose, and people took them too far, as though they had an excuse to act like rude assholes. All he needed was something to call for help with, not a library of ring tones, emoticons, texting, pictures, a camera, or games. He didn’t like the taser because, though it was _much_ more practical than the damn phone, he wasn’t a violent person. After seeing people being killed on the streets and by Wes whenever a deal went down or someone got too close to the truth, and being beaten severely by him whenever he was in a foul mood or he had screwed up and needed to be punished, it was hard to bring himself to hurt others. That usually only happened when he was angry, but otherwise, it was very difficult to resort to violence. He didn’t know if he _could_ taser someone, even if he really needed to. Wes had hit his back with a stun baton once and he knew how painful being shocked was. Still, he couldn’t deny that if he had had one when those boys had attacked him, he probably would have used it.  
          He studied the small weapon in one hand and the phone in the other. He almost laughed bitterly at the thought of what he would have done to Wes if he had had a taser that night, but he choked it down. He felt disturbed having both of them, but he felt a little bit safer. He smiled to himself. He realized that, even living with the Yuy’s, once he was alone he wasn’t really safe. He had been taking a huge gamble, sneaking out at night, but he wouldn’t let Relena steal that from him. He didn’t care if he was scared, talking about his past with Heero had reminded him of the mother cat that had helped him so long ago and he urged to see her babies, even if he was terrified of going out alone again.  
   
   
   
   
            
   
          Name awoke with a start when he heard the front door closing. At first, she couldn’t figure out what was going on. Slowly, the sleepy fog lifted and the absence of the alarm told her all that she needed to know.  
          “Shit!” she swore, rubbing at her tired eyes. She had thought for sure that she could sleep deeply tonight. Surely, she had thought, surely even Duo would have the common sense not to leave the house after what had happened to him. She sighed. She couldn’t do this anymore. She couldn’t lie awake, _hoping_ that Duo would come home in one piece. After the other night, she wasn’t so optimistic. She had to know _why_ , what could be so important that her young charge would risk his life? She rolled out of bed, stripped out of her pajamas, and put on some warm clothes, walking downstairs quickly, but quietly, so she wouldn’t wake up Heero, who was, thankfully, a heavier sleeper than she was.   
   
   
   
          Despite Duo’s no less than five minute head start, Name trailed him easily. The boy was actually being careful, she realized. He was staying on the main street keeping to underneath the street lamps, away from darkened alleys and both of his hands were stuffed into his jacket pockets, his left hand curled over what she assumed to be the taser. She kept her distance and made sure she didn’t make even the tiniest of noises. She was shocked when Duo turned into the park. She couldn’t figure out why. There wasn’t anything in the park but trees, bushes, and benches, but the way he walked in so boldly spoke to her that this was where he had been going week after week. She followed him in, taking the opportunity to use the bushes and threes to stalk him more efficiently. She had to snort silently at her behavior. Before meeting the perplexing longhaired boy, she never would have resorted to slinking around in the dark, just to track a teenager. But, her son’s best friend was changing a lot of things in her life. She wasn’t so insecure to be scared of change, but she could see the power that the affecting, sad boy had over her and Heero.  
          Name watched in confusion as Duo sat underneath a tree and took out a can of tuna from his jacket pocket. Was this what he had been doing? Sneaking out for a midnight snack? She jumped when something leapt out of the bushes and ran towards Duo, but she relaxed when she noticed that it was just a small black cat. Her eyes widened as the animal ignored the tuna and climbed into Duo’s arms.  
          ‘What is going on?’  
          “Shiva!” she heard Duo cry happily as he stroked the cat’s slim back, snuggling with her. The cat rubbed against his chest and neck, purring loudly. Duo smiled brightly at her and Name found herself smiling, too. She had never seen Duo so… open before. He was acting like a playful little kid and that warmed her heart. She felt a little guilty, too. She had never discussed pets with him, it had never even entered her mind. She watched in amusement as six other cats emerged from the bushes, one by one, to snack on the tuna and curl up in Duo’s arms. Name had never owned a pet before, but it was pretty damn cute watching the usually shy teenager become bold around the animals and play with them. She sighed and walked out of her hiding spot.  
   
   
          “Duo.”  
          Duo’s head shot up at the sound of Name’s voice and his eyes widened when he saw her walk towards him.  
          “N-Name!” he stuttered, terrified. He had no idea what to say to her. He had never thought that she would actually _catch_ him out here. He wanted to run away, to protect his cats, _something_ , but he logically knew that Name wasn’t going to hurt him, so there was no real reason to run away. Besides, he couldn’t stand up so sharply without hurting Patches who, now never fat, was napping in his lap, confident that the human wouldn’t let any harm come to her unborn kittens.  
          “We’re going home,” she said, “it’s too late for any of us to be out here.”  
          Duo looked down in shame. That was the rub of it, he supposed. He had let her down again and he hated that feeling worse than anything she could do to him. He shouldn’t have snuck out and worried her. The other cats looked unsure about Name, not liking strangers, but not sensing a threat from her, so they didn’t scatter.  
          “Alright,” Duo murmured. Name sighed again at his sad tone.  
          “Bring the cats with you.”  
          Duo paled. What did she want to do with them? He didn’t think she would put them down. If she put them up for adoption, that would be ok, though he would like to keep at least one. He was closest to Shiva, Sammy, and Toby, and there was no way he could choose between them if Name gave him that option, which he doubted. He saw Name eye Patches as he cradled her bloated body in his arms as he stood.  
          “Over feeding them, are we?” she quipped in amusement.  
          “No,” Duo said in a soft voice, “she’s pregnant.”   
          Name was taken aback by the protective tone in his voice. The other cats sensed that _something_ big was happening and they crowded at Duo’s feet. Sammy and Shiva climbed onto his shoulders while Angel jumped onto the top of his head, making Name smirk.   
          “Do you need help?” she offered. Duo looked down at Cassy and Cotton.  
          “Shiva, Sammy, and Toby won’t let anyone but me hold them,” he told her, gesturing to the cats on his shoulder and the large, feral looking cat that was starting at her with piercing eyes. She found that she was more intimidated by the creature than any dog.  
          “But Cotton and Cassy will probably let you hold them,” Duo advised. Name twitched at the ‘probably’, but kneeled down anyway. She had stared down hostile executives, but she had never had experience with animals and she felt nervous trying to pick up the cats. To her surprise, the tiger striped cat and the grey tabby seemed to understand what they were supposed to do and jumped on her shoulders, startling her a little.  
          “What about him?” she asked, looking at Toby.  
          “He’ll follow me on his own,” Duo told her, his voice subdued. Name nodded.  
          “Let’s go,” she commanded. As she walked towards the exit, she looked back to see if Duo was following her and saw that the large cat was indeed following the boy.  
   
   
   
            
          When the front door opened and Name and Duo came in, Heero was waiting for them, angry and worried. He had been woken up when Name had left the house, but all he had heard was the front door closing. He had thought that someone was breaking into the house and had run to his mother and friend’s rooms to see if they were ok, only to find them both missing. He had called Duo’s cell phone, but it was turned off and his mother’s phone was in her purse, which was still in her room. He didn’t have even the faintest idea _why_ his mother and Duo were out and about at this hour, but after searching the house, he realized that there really wasn’t an intruder. He had thought about calling the police, but that was stupid. He knew that he was jus overreacting, but he couldn’t help but worry. So, he had stood by the door and waited, his heart pounding unpleasantly at the possibility that either Duo or his mother could be in danger.   
          By the time the door had finally opened, Heero felt like he was getting an ulcer with all that he had gone through with Duo. He was furious and ready to yell at whoever came through the door, but when he saw his usually stern and prim mother with two bored looking cats on her shoulders, and Duo with one on the top of his head, plus the two on his shoulders and a sleeping one in his arms, he found that he couldn’t yell because he was laughing so hard. Duo gave him an annoyed look. At first, Heero had been so angry and he had been a little bit scared, but now that Heero was laughing, he didn’t feel any better. Name looked like she was torn between amusement at Heero’s reaction and equal annoyance at being laughed at.  
          “Are you done?” she asked.  
          “Why is there a cat on your head?” Heero finally managed to ask. Duo looked up at Angel who, along with the other conscious cats, was looking around at her new surroundings with great interest. She had never been inside a house before and didn’t know what to make of it. They were all curious, sniffing out the new, intriguing smells, but they were also nervous and stayed close to Duo, the only familiar thing they had right now besides each other. Cotton and Cassy jumped off of Name to sit at Duo’s feet, unsure of what to do. Heero stared at Toby, who wasn’t quite so curious. He was also sitting at Duo’s feet, but his piercing eyes were fixed on Heero. The tom had had first hand experience with the cruelty of human males. He had been kicked and picked up by the tail more times than any cat would take placidly. Plus, he had witnessed Wes striking Duo a few times and was wary of any male besides Duo. The human was bigger than him, but he had been around since Duo was a child, so he still looked at him as a kitten. He had proved to be trustworthy and in need of protection at times. He had never hurt any of the other cats, even Toby. He played with them and fed them and his body language was friendly, not aggressive, so Toby had learned to trust and care for him, but this new human made him feel edgy. He was bigger and a complete stranger. Both he and the older female seemed most interested in Patches and that fact made his fur bristle.   
          “Bring them into the kitchen,” Name ordered. Duo nodded and walked after, Heero following them, but keeping an eye on Duo for any clue as to what was going on. He looked nervous and scared, which Heero hated, but mostly he wanted to know why Duo was leading around seven cats like the pied piper. The felines didn’t seem sure about going deeper into the house, but they stayed close to Duo for security. When they entered the kitchen, Duo bent down and let Angel and Sammy down.   
          “It’s ok,” he murmured as he stroked Angel and Cassy. Sensing that there wasn’t any immediate danger, the cats explored the new room with the nice smells. Patches finally woke up and got out of Duo’s arms, slowly walking over to a corner that was warmest and curling up again. However, Shiva and Toby refused to leave Duo’s side. Shiva took Patches’ place and let the boy pet her. He was displaying signs of anxiety, but touching her fur relaxed him. Besides, he was always good at petting.  
          Heero and Name sat at the table and watched with wide eyes as Toby jumped up on the table, his intense eyes glaring at them, almost _daring_ them to make a hostile move. Duo didn’t seem at all daunted by the large cat’s presence. He actually seemed to relax.   
          “What is going on?” Heero demanded. He had never really been around cats before and had no idea how to act towards them.   
          “Yes, what is going on?”  
          The three of them turned and saw Trowa standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, giving them a slightly annoyed look. Quatre was still half asleep, leaning against him. The blonde woke up fully, his face brightening, when he saw the cats.  
          “Kitties!” he squealed, kneeling down and cooing at Cassy. The tiger-striped cat ran over to him, eager for attention and let him pet her. Trowa rolled his eyes at this. He and Quatre were both animal lovers and had talked about getting a cat or dog or bunny for years, but had never really made a decision about it. Quatre picked Cassy up and he and Trowa sat down at the table.  
          “What’s her name?” Quatre asked as the blue-eyed cat fell asleep on his lap, his pale fingers stroking the top of her head. Duo smiled warmly at him.  
          “Cassy,” he told him.  
          “Can we get back on topic here?!” Heero snapped, “Why did you and Mom leave the house at one in the bloody morning?!”  
          Duo looked away from him.  
          “I can answer some of that,” Name interrupted, “for a few weeks now, I kept hearing _someone_ leaving the house some days in the early morning.”  
          Duo blushed darkly as he realized that she had always known about his nightly excursions.  
          “I knew it was Duo, I just couldn’t figure out _why_.”  
          “Why didn’t you stop him?!” Heero yelled, livid. Duo had deliberately put his safety on the line and that was unforgivable, but if his mother had known about it, why hadn’t she told him to stop?!  
          Name gave Heero a sharp look.  
          “I didn’t stop him because I trust him and I didn’t want to interfere in something that he might need to do. I only followed him tonight because of what happened to him the other night,” she looked at Duo, not noticing Heero’s embarrassed look, “I’m upset that you were sneaking around after dark, but I’m willing to listen to your reason.”  
          Duo chewed on his lip. He knew that he was in big trouble, but couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit good about it. At least Name cared about him enough to want to know where he went at night and why. He just didn’t want his cats to be punished for something that was solely hi fault. He didn’t want to stop seeing them. The feel of Shiva’s fur on his fingers was soothing, but it broke his heart at the same time because he knew that tonight was probably the last time he was going to see her.  
          “The night Wes raped me… I had a hard time coping with it,” he said in a small voice.  
          Name almost snorted at that. He had been seven years old, for Christ’s sake! Anyone would have had a hard time dealing with that, let alone a child who, as worldly as he had thought he was, probably didn’t fully understand what was happening.   
          “Wes’s apartment is in an alley next to a Chinese restaurant, so there were a lot of animals, especially near the dumpster, rats and raccoons mostly. There was this black cat with kittens living there, too. I made friends with her and fed her what little scraps I could afford. She listened to me whenever I needed it and she was always there. She… helped me, a lot. If I hadn’t had something… safe, back then, I think I might have tried to kill myself.”   
          Heero paled, his hands clenched in his lap. The thought of Duo, having only seven years in his entire life, actually contemplating ending his existence, made him want to throw up.   
          “All the shorthairs here are one of her litters. Toby came around a year after that, probably because of all the food I kept leaving out I found Sammy this year. He was only a few months old and someone had dropped him in the dumpster, so I tried to take care of him.”  
          Sammy seemed to sense that they were talking about him and the leopard-print kitten looked up at Duo with gold eyes, his striped tail twitching in curiosity. Name raised an eyebrow at Duo.  
          “So you’ve been keeping wild pets and have been running off at night to play with them?” she asked. Duo nodded sheepishly. Name sighed and pinched her nose.  
          “It’s just the seven?”  
          Duo nodded.  
          “What… what are you going to do to them?” he asked nervously. Name gave him a stern look.   
          “Duo, I’m disappointed that you were sneaking around and keeping things from me. You didn’t outright lie to me, but you put yourself in danger and I can’t let that go. You’re grounded for the weekend, so you can’t go out with Heero or anyone. Understood”  
          Duo nodded. It seemed much fairer than he had thought would happen.   
          “As for your… friends,” she hesitated on the word in amusement, “I’m going to tell you the same thing that I told Heero when he was eight and wanted to know if he could have a puppy.”  
          Duo felt his spirits lift a little when he saw Heero blush.  
          “Owning an animal is more than just a responsibility. You’re the guardian for another living creature. You are responsible for keeping them alive and happy. If you want these cats, it’s on _your_ shoulders to take care of them. I don’t mind having so many animals in the house, but you have to feed them, buy them toys, and make sure they’re healthy. Otherwise, we’re going to have to find someone else willing to take them.”  
          Duo and Quatre looked at Name with wide eyes.  
          “Then… I can keep them?” Duo asked in shock. Name never ceased to surprise him. He had been sure that she wouldn’t want even _one_ pet, let alone seven, but her response about responsibility had suited her perfectly. Shiva purred as he stroked her ears lightly. Name sighed again.  
          “Yes, you can keep them. Though, how we’ll handle sharing the house with the little beasts, I’ll never know…”  
          Duo would have jumped up and hugged her if Shiva hadn’t been in his lap.  
          “Thank you,” he said sincerely. He didn’t have to say goodbye to any of them…  
          “You’re welcome, Duo,” Name looked around at the small horde of felines, “So who’s who?”   
          Trowa watched Name and Duo’s exchange in amusement. He hadn’t been around this many animals since he had worked in the circus with his sister, Catherine, and the only cats he had had to deal with there had been lions, but he felt an affinity with the smaller cats, too.  
          “This one’s Shiva,” Duo looked at the cat in his lap, “She and Sammy are the youngest. Shiva, Cassy, Cotton, Angel, and Patches are the offspring of the first cat I had met and they’re all American Shorthairs. Shiva, Toby, and Sammy won’t let anyone touch them but me and Shiva should probably be kept out of the kitchen. She’s smart and learns how to… er… get food no matter what’s in her way. The one that looks like a little leopard is Sammy. He’s rambunctious and will destroy anything in sight. He’s a Bengal and only he and Shiva like water and will let you give them baths. The grey tabby’s Cotton, he’s shy and lazy. He usually only wakes up in he’s hungry or wants to play. The white cat is Angel. She’s very affectionate. All you have to do is pet her or give her food and you’ll be her best friend for life. The pregnant Calico is Patches. She’s very gentle and quiet, especially now that she has no energy to do much, but she loves warmth and gets kind of grumpy when it’s cold out,” Duo looked at Cassy, smiling to himself as he noted how smitten Quatre was with her.  
          “Cassy can be kind of hyper at times, but she settles down when you pet her. This big guy is Toby,” Duo scratched behind the tom cat’s ear. He gave out a low purr, but his gaze didn’t move from Heero.  
          “He’s a Javanese and he’s very protective, and loyal. When I went looking for them after being in the hospital for so long, he was the first one to find me.”  
          “Is he dangerous?” Heero asked, concerned about how the cat was sizing him up. Duo shrugged.  
          “He’s just not very trusting,” he explained, “but once you earn his trust, he’ll take to you pretty fast.”  
          “Can Cassy sleep with us?” Quatre suddenly blurted out. Trowa groaned.  
          “The second she sleeps with us, she’s never going to leave,” he warned his lover. Quatre seemed unconcerned about that as he continued to stroke Cassy’s thin back, his smile growing as she purred, her eyes half lidded.  
          “It’s fine with me,” Duo assured him, “but she’s probably never slept in a bed before, so be careful.”  
          Quatre nodded excitedly. Name sighed. She couldn’t believe that she was doing this. Not only was she taking in seven cats, but seven _stray_ cats. They needed toys, food, beds, collars, dishes, proof of ownership, microchips, and vaccinations. She had told Duo that they were his responsibility, but he probably didn’t know everything that he needed to do and she wasn’t above helping out. After all, she considered Duo family, so, in an odd way, the cats were family, too. Still, as much as she regretted her half thought out decision, duo looked so relieved, so happy. He didn’t have many good things from his childhood. The cats were probably _the_ only good thing, she felt like she had to let Duo keep them. It wasn’t a huge deal, she supposed. They were street cats and used to fending for themselves. She almost laughed to herself as she realized she could describe Duo in exactly the same way. If she could handle one abused, stressed, hormonal teenager, surely she could handle seven stray cats, right?  
          “Let’s figure out where these mangy things are going to sleep,” Name took command again, “Tomorrow, I’m sure we can find some milk and tuna for their breakfast, but as soon as school’s over, you two,” she looked at Duo and Heero, “are taking all of them to the vet to have them registered and checked out. You can ask the vet what they’re going to need so you can go to the store and buy it. Trowa and Quatre will take Cassy tonight. Cotton and Angle can sleep in the laundry room since it’s nice and warm in there. Duo will take Shiva, Sammy, and Toby since they’re more comfortable with him. I’ll take Patches.”  
          “ _You’ll_ take her?” Heero raised his eyebrow at his mother.  
          “Yes, Heero, I will. My room is the warmest in the house and we need to make her as comfortable as possible in this stage of her pregnancy. Besides,” she said with a smirk, “we’re the only two in this house who know the pains of pregnancy. I think I can help her more than you boys can,” she looked at Heero, “isn’t that right, sweetie? After all I went through with you, I think I can take care of one pregnant cat.”  
          Heero groaned loudly, flushing bright red, and hid his face in his hands.  
          “Please, Mom, _please_ , do _not_ tell any pregnancy stories!” he begged.  
          “I’m sure Duo would like to hear some about you and all the trouble you gave me even before you were born,” Name said with a grin.  
          “Mom!” Heero cried.   
          “I’d like to hear some stories,” Duo said with a curious expression. Name reached over the table to ruffle his hair.  
          “Maybe some other night, honey,” she said with a wink. Heero lifted his head and rolled his eyes.  
  
End Part 11  
  



	20. The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo goes in for a job interview and has a run in with Zechs that leaves him without his glasses. Duo has his eyes checked and finally discovers what is wrong with his vision.

The Road to Kindness   
 Chapter 6  
 Part 12  
   
          Toby seemed confused when Duo led him into his bedroom and sat on the bed. Duo didn’t know if Shiva understood or she was just following him like she always did, but she jumped up on the bed curled up next to his leg. Sammy packed around Toby, looking up at the large bed and started to make loud cries when he realized he couldn’t copy Shiva’s move, but wanted to join Duo on the bed.  
          “Ssh,” Duo soothed, picking up the young cat and putting him on one of the pillows. The second the Bengal felt the boy’s hand on him, he quieted, making a small chirping noise when he was put on the small pillow. Toby continued to look unsure about the bed. Duo realized he had never seen one before and had only ever slept with other cats. It made him smile, seeing the usually aggressive tom so timid, met with the unfamiliar.   
          “It’s alright,” he told the cat in a soft, comforting voice, “you can sleep on the floor if that’s better, but the bed’s probably warmer and more comfortable.”  
          Toby cocked his head at the soothing sound of Duo’s voice and finally jumped onto the bed. Duo lay down, smiling as Toby and Shiva snuggled against him, Sammy curling up on the pillow, near Duo’s head.  
   
   
   
   
   
          Heero sighed as he and Duo waited in the waiting room of the vet hospital, impatiently waiting for the doctor to finish with the various cats. The veterinarian’s was clean and official looking, but with the various people, some of them children, holding hurt or dying animals, it was also quite sad. Duo fidgeted in his seat. Heero put his hand over his friend’s, trying to comfort him subtly. He looked so uncomfortable, so _pained_ , seeing hurt and sick animals. Heero had never labeled Duo as an animal lover, but seeing him handle the cats and react so negatively to animals in pain made him realize more about his best friend.   
          Duo echoed his sigh. They had taken all seven cats to the doctors and, while they were waiting, they had asked around for things they might need as new cat owners. Heero’s car was now stuffed with cat toys and food and tons of other things. Heero knew that this was going to be a huge change for them, but Duo was happy, so it didn’t bother him. Besides, the cats were kind of cute.   
          “I have an interview with the owner of The Cottage,” Duo suddenly blurted out. Heero stared at him in shock. He had almost forgotten about Duo’s interest in getting a job.   
          “I called him this morning. I have to meet with him tomorrow at 8 p.m.,” Duo said. Heero gave his hand a small squeeze.  
          “You’ll get the job,” he assured him. Duo shrugged.  
          “I… I don’t know what to say to him,” Duo admitted, “I’d like to have the money so I can buy stuff for my cats and so I can see movies and have dinner with you. I know Name can pay for all that stuff, but I’d like it to be my own money. But, I don’t have any experience with part time jobs. What should I say if he asks about my past?”   
          “Tell him whatever you want to tell him,” Heero advised, “Your life isn’t relying on this interview. Don’t stress yourself out because of this, ok?”  
          Duo nodded.  
          “Right now… I just want them to be healthy,” he whispered, looking at the door the doctor had disappeared into hours ago, “I’m worried about getting this job, but I’m more worried about them. I know they’re just animals, but they’re my family.”  
          Heero pressed his shoulder against Duo’s.  
          “I understand. You care about them. They helped you through a lot of hard times. Just because they’re animals doesn’t mean you can’t love them,” he said. Duo smiled at him. The two of them froze as the door finally opened and Heero’s name was called.  
   
   
          The vet brought the two teenaged boys out back, a clipboard in his hand. Duo’s back was stiff as he followed him. He wondered if all pet owners felt this way.  
          “All seven cats are in fairly good health,” the blonde vet finally spoke, looking Duo in the eye and smiling when the boy finally released the breath he had been holding.  
          “Angel has a small heart worm problem, but it’s in the very early stages, so the medicine I’m giving her should clear most of it up, but you should give her more of it tomorrow and the next day.”   
          Duo nodded. It would be easy giving her medicine considering the feline would literally eat anything.  
          “Patches’ pregnancy is going along fine It’s harder to tell with cats than people, but we can estimate that the birth will be within two to four weeks.”  
          Duo’s eyes widened at the news. So soon? He had no idea how to take care of newborn kittens!  
          “I’ve given all of them their shots and microchips, so they’re ready to go home,” the doctor said cheerfully, “you can pick up the heart worm medication and their papers at the front desk.”  
          “Thank you!” Duo said profusely. Was it really this easy to get what he wanted? Could he really keep all of his little family, happy and whole, with no strings attached? He wasn’t used to living that way. He was used to keeping secrets and always having something that he wanted, but could never have. But, lately, one by one, all of those impossible things were becoming reality.   
          “Let’s get them into the car,” Heero spurred his friend forward as the doctor left to get the cats. Duo nodded. It was a fight getting all seven cats into their pet carriers, just like it had been putting them in and taking them out in the first place, but Heero felt just as triumphant as Duo did when they finally managed to walk out of the vet’s with all of them and load them back into the car.   
   
   
   
            
   
          Heero wished, for what seemed like the millionth time, that he could read Duo’s mind. The two of them were in his car, on their way to the Cottage. His best friend looked uncomfortably stiff, but Heero didn’t blame him. You could never tell by looking at him but Duo was having a few problems being outside after dark since those boys had attacked him. What little confidence he had had was shot and Heero was utterly amazed that Duo had left the house so late that night to see his cats when now he looked so on edge. Of course, there was also the daunting task of trying to find a job, something that Heero was also unfamiliar with. He didn’t mind driving Duo around, but he did mind how much stress the violet eyed boy was under. Duo kept telling himself that it was no big deal, but Heero could see that he didn’t really believe that. He didn’t know how to make him feel better besides being there, but duo had insisted on going inside alone. Heero knew that the longhaired boy could be stubborn when he wanted to be and arguing was just going to stress him out even more, so he had agreed to stay in the car. Heero also didn’t know what his mother had done to solve the issues of social security and birth records, but it must have worked if Mr. Hastings, the owner of the Cottage, had agreed to do an interview. There was a small, selfish part of himself that was hoping that Duo wouldn’t get the job. He didn’t want Duo out of his sight or for the job to take any time away from their weekend together, but there was a bigger part of himself, the part that truly loved Duo and wanted to see him healthy and happy, that was rooting for him.   
          The cottage was a medium sized novelty, store located about a five minute’s drive after the school. It had been modeled to look like a convenience store sized cottage with a warm, homey feel so when Heero finally arrived and parked in its private parking lot, Duo felt a little bit better. It wasn’t a very intimidating place, but he was still very nervous. He felt like he had on his _other_ first job, not knowing what to do, but wanting to succeed. He sighed deeply. He just wanted to get this whole thing over with, but he didn’t want to leave the familiarity of the car. He flinched sharply as Heero put a hand on top of his, so deep in his thoughts that the feel of another human being had shocked him.  
          “You’ll do fine,” Heero assured him. Duo chewed on his bottom lip. He knew that Heero was right. All he had to do was go in there and ask the man for a job, how hard could that be? He didn’t have to tell him anything that he didn’t want to and if he felt uncomfortable at any time, he could just leave. If the owner tried to harm him Heero was right outside and he had his cell phone and taser. Even if he didn’t get the job, there were other places. He would just have to keep looking until he found the right place. It _sounded_ simple, so why was it so difficult for him? He supposed that, deep down, he really wanted this job. It sounded like something he could do, the perfect job. He was surprised that man had been willing to interview him. Duo had begged Name not to use her name to get the job for him, but if he ever found out that the Yuy family was involved with him, whether Name had intimidated him or not, would he really be able to not feel like he had to give Duo the job? He took a deep breath. He could tell Heero to take him home if he really didn’t want to do this, but he would probably hate himself for it.  
          “I’m going to do it,” Duo suddenly announced. Heero smiled brightly at him and patted his shoulder.  
          “I’ll see you in a little while, then,” he said. Duo nodded and left the safety of the car.  
   
   
   
          The Cottage looked even cozier inside than it did outside. It was definitely a knick-knack store and tourist attraction. Though the tow didn’t have any beaches, it did have parks, five star restaurants, and the Zoo, which brought in a lot of tourists, which kept the store busy. Most of the store had cute little knick knacks, bumper stickers and such boasting the town’s more popular attraction, and stupid little things like lawn gnomes and glow pens, but there was also a section of the store that catered to people that lived there like cheap food and paper goods. The store did a good business, but it wasn’t cramped and Duo didn’t feel boxed in as he walked to the customer service desk, amazed that the place was big enough to have three checkout lines and customer as well. The place wasn’t quite as big as a grocery store, but it was much bigger than the other small business shops around this district. A bored looking brunette was manning the customer service desk and when she saw him approach, she pushed her glasses up her nose, making Duo want to do the same to his own glasses, and gave him a sweet, searching smile, but Duo didn’t want to give her a chance to flirt.  
          “I’m looking for Mr. Hastings,” he told her, “I have a job interview at 8?” the words tumbled out in a nervous torrent. He wondered if this was how this sort of thing was supposed to go.   
          “Oh?” the girl, who looked old enough to be a college student, asked with glee, “Are you looking to be one of the evening cashiers, honey?” her voice was excited and she leaned on her elbows to give him a view of her ample cleavage, but Duo didn’t rise to the bait.  
          “No, stocking,” he said honestly. She frowned, pouting in disappointment, but picked up the phone and dialed a number.  
          “Mr. Hastings? I have a boy here who says that he has an interview?” she said in a professional voice.  
          “Ok, I’ll tell him that,” she said and hung up. Duo was surprised when she looked at him with a friendly smile.  
          “He says to just come right up to his office. There’s a door in the very right, back corner. Go through it, take a left, and go up the stairs. Go in the right door, that’s his office,” she informed him. Duo smiled back at her.   
          “Thanks!” he said and started to make his way to the back of the store.  
          “You’re welcome and good luck!” she called. As Duo walked towards the back door, he didn’t notice the blue-eyed boy hiding in the aisles of high shelves that was watching his every move.   
   
   
   
   
          Heero ran a hand nervously through his thick, brown hair. He hated waiting. He had never matured out of the impatience he had had as a child, that feeling of doing nothing and how every second felt like five minutes. He knew that Duo was going to do fine, so he wasn’t worried about that. He was a quick learner and a hard worker, any employer should be glad to have someone like him for an employee. He was worried about Duo over stressing himself, though. The boy had the tendency to over think things and make them worse than they really were. It was so dark out, but there were quite a few cars in the parking lot, a few of them had their lights on and bored men were sitting in them, no doubt waiting for their bargain hunter wives and girlfriends. Heero chuckled to himself. He was the same way. Even as a kid, when his mother had gone shopping, he had insisted that he stay in the car. He wondered about the old stereotype that all gay guys liked to shop. Clearly, that was a myth because he hated shopping like he hated going to the doctor’s. Personally, he liked shopping online where he could just find what he specifically needed and buy it without even leaving the house.   
          Heero looked down at the car’s radio clock. Duo had only been gone for a few minutes and he was already bored. He should have brought a book or a newspaper. He turned on the radio and surfed thorugh the stations until he found one that was playing an old rock song. He hated new music. It was either rap, which he didn’t consider music since it was usually just a guy talking about how hard his life was, or pop, which usually consisted of some teenaged girl singing out of key about love or no one understanding her. Heero yelped as he felt something jump on his shoulder and land on his lap. Glowing eyes stared up at him, the black cat’s body almost invisible except for the glow of the radio.   
          “Shiva!” Heero snapped, “How the hell did you get in here?!”  
          The cat just mewed and butted her head against his stomach. Heero froze as he remembered Duo warning him that Shiva, Sammy, and Toby wouldn’t let anyone but Duo touch them, but Shiva had jumped onto _him_ and didn’t seem to be bothered by that presence. He lifted a shaky hand to pet her, his fingers lightly stroking the fur on the top of her head. Shiva purred and seemed to become boneless in his lap. He found that he was smiling. It was oddly… therapeutic, petting the animal. He could see why Duo was so smitten with all of them.  
            
   
        _“If I hadn’t had something… safe, back then, I think I might have tried to kill myself.”_  
   
   
          Duo’s words shot through his thoughts and he shivered. He stroked Shiva’s pointed ears. Because of this little creature, because of her mother and siblings, his best friend, the boy he loved, had found _something_ in the cats that had given him the strength to live on, to not take his own life. He had met Duo, Duo was in his life because of Shiva and the others.  
          “Thank you,” he told the feline, “Thank you so much,” his voice was thick with emotion, “You kept him alive. You gave him hope and so much more. You saved his life…”  
          Shiva’s ears swiveled in Heero’s direction, listening to his deep voice. She licked his hand and rolled onto her back, placing her paw on his wrist, accepting his presence as non-threatening and familiar.  
   
   
   
   
          “You must be Duo Maxwell,” Mr. Hastings greeted as the longhaired boy came into his office, shaking his hand. Duo had never had his hand shaken by a strange adult and was floored for a second. It had been easy finding the man’s office and it was a comfortable place. There was a large, double-sided mirror on the wall that looked into the store and a large, circular table that the store’s owner gestured for Duo to sit at. Duo had briefly talked to him on the phone to set up the interview, and he remembered that the man’s voice had been strong and steady, so he was shocked to see that Hastings was much older than he had thought. Hastings had a full head of hair but it was a snowy white and his face was pale and wrinkled. However, his blue eyes were startlingly clear and young looking. Duo quickly realized that the man’s age was irrelevant to the way he acted. He was further surprised when he sat next to him instead of at the other end of the table.  
          “So, you want a job here?” Hastings asked, his blue eyes piercing. Duo nodded, feeling strange and out of place in such a warm environment.   
          “Ok. However, before we go any further, there is something I have to tell you,” the older man warned the teenager, “I cannot be intimidated.”  
          Duo looked at him with wide, startled eyes. Hastings was temporarily taken aback by the violet color, but boldly continued.   
          “I am well aware of your connections with the Yuy family,” he said in a stern voice, “Everyone knows about that, but that doesn’t impress me. If you think your connection with a powerful, rich family is going to _make_ me give you a job, I suggest you go home now. I’ll give you a job and let you keep it if you’re a good worker, but I can’t be bought or bullied. Is that understood?”  
          Duo sighed.  
          “I understand, but you’re wrong. Who I live with is irrelevant. I specifically told Mrs. Yuy not to interfere. I want this job and I’m going to get it on my own,” Duo admitted. Hastings folded his hands on the table.  
          “I’m glad to hear that. It’s sickening how many teenagers these days think that they can coast through life using their parents and shortcuts. Now, I was told that you do not have paperwork. I am not influenced by the Yuy name, but the corporate office, the people that deal with regulations and paying my employees, is. They are willing to pay anyone connected with the Yuy family, regardless of records and insurance. If I give you this job, they’ll overlook all of that.”  
          “What about you?” Duo asked, “I’ll probably never have to deal with them, but I’ll have to deal with you every day. If you don’t want to hire me because of my lack of papers, then please don’t. I don’t want the people I’d work with to feel uncomfortable around me. I can’t work like that, no one can.”  
          Hastings smiled at Duo’s words.  
          “I think you and I are going to get along just fine, Maxwell.”  
          Duo blushed.   
          “If I have a job opening,” Hastings said, “I’ll be willing to give it to you. If you’re a good worker, you’ll keep it. Now, what were you looking for? I’m afraid we have enough day cashiers, so you’re out of luck there.”  
          Duo dug his fingers into his pants nervously.  
          “I… I have a problem… dealing with people. It’s the reason why I want to get a job, but I really can’t deal with people on a large scale. I want to try to get over it in stages, though. I have to, really,” Duo told him in a small voice, “I tried to live in my own safe little bubble for a little while, but what I want is to be normal.”  
          Heero had told him to tell Hastings whatever he wanted and Duo knew that he had to be at least a little bit honest. He didn’t think that being pathetic as going to get him a job, but he had to explain the problem so the man could understand why he needed the job.  
          Hastings’ blue eyes softened in sympathy.  
          “I was wondering if you could hire me for stocking on the weekends. I’m in high school and I don’t want my grades to suffer, so weekends are all I can do. I’ve never had a job before, but I pick things up quickly,” Duo said. The white haired man nodded.   
          “I only have two people doing stock during the day and early evening and one of them will be glad to switch weekends for weekdays,” he told Duo, who brightened excitedly. Hastings rolled the chair he was sitting on over to one of the file cabinets and pulled out a folder, handing it to Duo.  
          “Fill those out as much as you can. I’m going to call Bruce, he’s one of the stockers, and tell him he’s going to have to change his schedule. We’ll work out your time schedule for next weekend and we’ll see how you do. If I like your work, we’ll work out something more permanent.”  
          Duo nodded. He couldn’t believe this was happening so quickly! He felt his anxiety start to melt away as he filled out the forms. He was getting a job and it had been easier than he had thought it would be. He would miss having so much time with Heero, but this was something that he had to do, he still believed that.  
   
   
   
   
          Zechs watched Duo’s every step as he disappeared into the back of the store. The boy looked breathtakingly gorgeous with his clean, shimmering braid, healthy skin and form, and his well-fitted jeans and black sweater. He had been watching him and following him since he had come back to school, though neither Duo nor Heero had noticed his presence. That fact both pleased him and pissed him off. He was happy because it meant that he could continue to watch Duo, undetected. It annoyed him because their ignorance of his presence made him feel like he was unimportant. That was something he couldn’t stand. It had pissed him off to no end when Duo had shown up at school with Heero. He had always had conflicted feeling where Duo was concerned. He loved him and wanted to own him, but he also wanted him to suffer. He had hoped that by showing Heero Duo’s true self, Heero wouldn’t want to be involved with Duo anymore, which would bring Zechs and Duo’s relationship back to the way it had been before Yuy had stuck his nose into it. However, Duo had disappeared, only to reappear at Heero’s side. Not only that, but they seemed to be even _closer_ to each other! With Treize’s threat still over his head, he was lost with what to do. He knew that his little sister was in town and he knew what she wanted, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care what happened to Yuy, as long as Duo was his.  
          Zechs waited impatiently for Duo to come back out. He couldn’t talk to him during school because of Treize and his damn all-knowing rule, but Treize wasn’t here to stop him from having a little chat with his old friend. It was a pleasant surprise to see him in this stupid store. Zechs’ mother had sent him here for paper plates and napkins and he had spotted that wonderful braid from the corner of his eye. He would wait for him forever if he had to. He didn’t care about Relena and her obsession with Heero Fucking Yuy, he didn’t care about Alex and whatever stupid reason had landed him in the hospital. His parents had taught him to go after what he wanted, no matter what tried to stop him, and that was exactly what he was going to do.  
          Zechs smirked to himself as the door opened and Duo came out, too immersed in the papers in his hands to notice him following him.  
   
   
   
   
          Duo left Hastings and the back office with copied forms in his hands saying that he was now an official employee of the Cottage and all the rules he had to follow, even a hotline that he could call if he was ever in trouble. He was going to start work next Friday, 6 p.m. sharp. He couldn’t help but be excited. When was the last time he had done something normal all on his own? He couldn’t remember. Even if he only got ten bucks a week, it was more than he had ever _earned_ in his life. Wes’ handouts and Zechs’ blood money didn’t count to him. He had never felt then the way he did now, it had always been a case of survival, not doing a job because he wanted to.  
          Duo’s thoughts froze and were replaced with high-pitched static as he felt strong hands grab the back of his sweater and drag him into one of the aisles. He relaxed when he was released, but panicked again when he recognized Zechs’ icy blue eyes. It had been so long since he had been literally face to face with the older boy that he was severely startled by his sudden presence. His stomach tightened with a mix of fear, hate, and bitter anger as he remembered what had happened the last time they had spoken to each other. His hands curled into fists with the overwhelming urge to strike him, but he believed that he was better than that. He had been bullied by Zechs for too long for him to hold the thought of lowering himself to Zechs Merquise’s level. Duo suddenly felt very tired. Why couldn’t his past mistakes just leave him alone? He had thought that, after seeing that his twisted little plan hadn’t worked, Zechs wouldn’t bother him anymore. Obviously, Zechs was even more like his little sister than Duo had thought.. He wasn’t ever going to leave him alone until he had exhausted himself to death. Duo couldn’t help but feel dirty as Zechs stared at him. He had been naked with the other boy, had had sex with him and, because of his own stupidity and Zechs’ cruelty, his relationship with Heero had almost been destroyed. But, it turned out that his relationship with Heero, though shorter, was stronger than Zechs’ contempt for him. Duo felt a little bit of his tension ease as he realized that Heero knew more about him his past and his feelings, than Zechs ever had and ever would.  
          “What do you want, Zechs?” Duo asked tiredly.  
          “I just wanted to have a talk with you, away from those annoying bodyguards,” Zechs said in an innocent tone that Duo didn’t trust. He crossed his arms over his chest and gave Zechs an annoyed look.  
          “Alright. You have five minutes,” Duo made a show of looking at his watch, “So, talk.”  
          Zechs narrowed his eyes at the other boy. Five minutes… was that all he was worth to the little shit?! Rage boiled inside of him. In the past, he could have made Duo cower with just a look. He could have had him on his hands and knees in the store’s bathroom with just a single word. He had had power over him, true, untested _power_ , but now Duo was treating him like a mere irritation. It made him want to slap the superior, annoyed look off of the pretty boy’s face.  
          “Why did you come back to school?!” Zechs demanded, “Why the hell did you come back with _him_ at your side like a goddamned puppy?!”  
          Duo glared at him.  
          “Heero’s with me because he’s my _friend_. Even when he found out the truth about me, even when he saw me at my worst because of _your_ little schemes, he saw past all of that because he _cared_ about me! No matter what you do to me, that will never change. You can’t hurt me anymore! I know what true pain is now, and it has nothing to do with fists and hurtful words. True pain is thinking that the person you love most in the world hates you!”  
          “Maybe I should remind you of what I’m capable of, then,” Zechs growled.  
          “Capable of?” Duo chuckled, “You were only able to hurt me because I _let_ you. You know what? You want to hear how much power you have over me now? All that time I was away, I didn’t think of you _once_ , not even a single, tiny thought. Hell, it was only my first day back when I saw you that I even remembered that you existed!”  
          “Shut up!” Zechs warned, “Shut up or-,”  
          “Or what?” Duo challenged, anger growing inside of his chest, “I don’t need you anymore, Zechs.”  
          Duo’s words delivered a painful blow to both Zechs’ pride and his heart, making his eyes widen in shock.  
          “Maybe in the past I was too weak and scared to do anything to stop you and maybe it was easier letting you rape me than speaking out against it, but I’m stronger now. I’m maturing and I know that the only thing I really ever needed was a friend. I have that now. I have true safety, not something I had to degrade myself for,” tears prickled at Duo’s eyes and he wiped them away hastily, “as far as I’m concerned, what happened in the past is _past_. I don’t need you-,”  
          Zechs slapped Duo hard across the face, making him trip as he was pushed back, and he fell on his butt on the floor. His glasses fell of and cracked as they hit the floor. With a malicious sneer on his face, Zechs crushed them underneath one of his boots.  
          “Just who the hell do you think you are, you stupid fag?! You should feel grateful that I even _look_ at you! You think hanging around Yuy makes you something all of a sudden?! You’re _trash_ and you’ll always be trash!” Zechs snarled.  
          The second that Duo’s glasses fell, his vision became horribly blurry and distorted. He dimly realized that his vision had gotten worse, but with his new glasses, he had never noticed the difference. He felt lost and naked without his vision. In a strange place like this, with no bright colors to help guide him, he might as well have been blind. His only consolidation was that, with Zechs’ snowy white hair, he could just barely keep track of his movements as he advanced on him. Tears slid down his cheeks, making his vision even blurrier. His glasses… they were probably completely destroyed, he had heard what Zechs had done to them. They had been the first gift anyone had given to him and they had been a gift from Heero. Zechs had tried to take away the one good thing in his life and now this. His anger exploded and he lashed out almost blindly, kicking Zechs in the knee and knocking him against the shelf. He heard glass falling and shattering around them, presumably the snow globes and wine glasses that had been on the shelf since he could feel liquid on the floor, too. Zechs cried out as he fell and sharp pain flooded his leg and hands as, when he fell to the floor, he cut himself on the glass.  
          Duo heard someone running towards their direction from the front of the store, probably one of the cashiers, but it didn’t matter. He couldn’t do much to defend himself. Zechs could strangle him half to death before anyone got him off of him. His anger at Zechs made his never feel like they were on fire.   
          “I hate you!” he screamed, unable to stop his tears, “Why can’t you just roll over and die?! Because of you, Heero hated me! Because you and your goddamn, _stupid_ grudge against me, I ran away from the best thing I had ever had! Because of you, I had to spend two **_fucking_** weeks in THAT FUCKING ROOM!”   
          Duo, almost unconsciously, remembered the taser in his pocket and his hand curled around it, more than ready to use it.  
          “What the hell are you doing?!” the familiar voice of the customer service girl he had met on the way in screeched.  
          “Shit!” he heard Zechs swear. The white of his hair suddenly disappeared. Duo heard heavy footsteps and the girl made a startled noise. Duo realized that Zechs had pushed her away or shoved her. He suddenly felt thin hands on his arm and tensed in his near-blind state.  
          “Just get the fuck out of here and leave him alone!” he heard the girl yell. Duo let go of the taser and hit the speed dial button on his cell phone, instead, but didn’t pick it up. He hated being so weak, but right now, he needed Heero. He couldn’t do this on his own. He heard the back door open and another person joined the mess.  
          “What the… get the hell out of my store!” he heard Mr. Hastings snap at Zechs, “If I see you near this boy again, I’m calling the cops!”   
          Duo realized that he probably looked pretty pathetic, sitting on the floor surrounded by glass with a bruise on his cheek, he knew it was there he could feel it throbbing, but Zechs’ injury was hidden by his pants. Duo wanted to snort at Zechs’ stupidity, Wes had known that you never hit someone in the face because it’s too obvious and makes you look like the offender, no matter what really happened, but he was afraid that if he started laughing, it might turn a little hysterical.  
          “Whatever,” Zechs grumbled in bitter defeat. Duo felt relieved that not even Merquise was so stupid as to attack him in front of witnesses. He heard him walk off, but didn’t relax. He was still hopelessly lost and he only trusted one person right now. He heard someone else walking towards him from the front and panicked. He put his hands on the floor to stand up. He really didn’t want to be on the floor anymore.   
          “Duo, don’t touch the glass!” Heero’s voice was like a beacon in the darkness and Duo wanted very badly to gravitate towards it, but he did as he was told and stayed still. He heard glass crunch under Heero’s shoes as he kneeled in front of him.  
          “Who are you?” Hastings asked defensively.  
          “I’m his friend,” Heero said in a tight, worried voice, “I’m supposed to drive him home after the interview.”  
          The girl, who still had her hand on his arm, was silent and Duo could feel her shake. He realized that she probably knew _exactly_ who Heero was.  
          “Do you know the boy who attacked him?” Hastings pressed. Duo thought about how quickly Heero had reached him and knew that Heero had seen Zechs on his way in.  
          “He’s a boy from our school,” Heero explained.  
          “Heero…” Duo finally found his voice, but he sounded hoarse. He hoped that his new employer and employee hadn’t realized that he had been crying. He was suddenly very glad that he couldn’t see and couldn’t tell if he should be embarrassed or not.  
          “I’m sorry,” he choked out, “the glasses broke,” he mourned, feeling their loss sharply. He felt his stress release him when Heero’s hand closed around his.  
          “It’s alright,” Heero soothed, “I’ll get you another pair. Are you ok?”  
          Duo blushed as he felt Heero’s other hand touch his cheek where Zechs had hit him.  
          “He didn’t hurt me. It’s just a slap,” Duo assured him, “I… I’m lost,” he admitted shakily. He hated this, hated being so weak and dependent.  
          “That’s ok. That’s why I’m here,” Duo was amazed at how he could hear the smile in his best friend’s voice and how it made him smile a little, too.  
          “Are you ok with this, Duo?” Hastings asked, obviously not trusting Heero. Duo nodded.  
          “He’s my best friend, I trust him more than anyone else,” he said. Hastings didn’t say anything more about it and he could see if he had nodded, so he just ignored him. The girl relinquished his arm to Heero, who helped him to his feet.   
          “Do you want me to file a report?” Hastings asked.  
          “No,” Duo said. Heero sighed in annoyance.  
          “Why am I not surprised?” he grumbled. Duo almost glared at him when he realized that he couldn’t discern Heero’s face from the other jumbled colors and shapes that were confusing his brain and he would look like an idiot if he missed his mark.  
          “Can we go home, please?” he begged, feeling exhausted. Heero sighed again and led him out of the store, surprisingly good at his appointed task as Duo made it back to the car without bumping into anything. When the girl called good bye out to him, he waved in a general direction. Heero opened the car door for him, but let him find the seat on his own. Duo felt like a bumbling, crippled idiot having Heero lead him around, but it was kind of nice, too. His face felt hot, feeling Heero’s strong hand on him and was very, very glad that Heero could write the blush off as mere embarrassment, but it was far from that. Duo struggled with his seatbelt, but he was grateful that Heero let him figure it out himself. He was used to the car enough to get it eventually.  
          “Do you think you can ever go out without some huge catastrophe happening?” Heero asked.   
“Oh, I don’t know,” Duo joked, feeling a bit more secure now that he was in a familiar place, just him and Heero, “it wasn’t so bad. I got the job and kicked Zechs in the knee with only getting a slap.”  
          Heero’s face lit up, though Duo couldn’t see it.  
          “That’s great! On both accounts, I mean.”   
          Heero was overjoyed that Duo had both stood up for himself and gotten the job he had wanted. He was pissed at Zechs, but that wasn’t anything new. Watching Duo squint uselessly made his heart ache. It made him feel weird that Duo was more worried about his broken glasses than getting slapped. He remembered about how his heart had stopped three times in under two minutes. He had received Duo’s unanswered phone call, knowing that something bad had happened and rushed into the store, only to see Zechs Merquise storming out. Right away, he had assumed the worst, imagining finding Duo bloody on the floor. He _had_ found Duo on the floor, but only with a bruise. His heart had stopped for third time when he had realized that Duo couldn’t see and was seconds away from cutting himself. After all of that, he just wanted to get his friend home and safe. Duo’s refusal to get Zechs in trouble _again_ was frustrating, but he was getting used to his dodgy behavior. He knew that Duo hated making waves, but he also knew that something had to be done about Zechs _and_ Relena, or something horrible was going to happen.  
          Duo’s laughter at Heero’s remark turned into a gasp as something landed on his lap, but he settled back down when a furry head brushed against his hand.  
          “Shiva!” he cried joyfully as he felt her familiar ears and stroked her long tail. Heero’s eyes widened.  
          “Can you see her?”  
          Duo shook his head, smiling as Shiva batted at his fingers, playing a game to keep his fingers from reaching her belly. Heero’s heart melted into a warm puddle watching his friend acting so carefree with the cat, given his position.   
          “How do you know it’s her, then?” he asked, perplexed. All of the shorthairs, with the exception of their colors, looked the same to him. Duo shrugged.  
          “I just do,” Duo said, unable to explain. It was an instinct, he supposed. Heero rolled his eyes.  
          “You are such a parent,” he grumbled, but smiled when Duo laughed.  
   
   
   
   
          “You just can’t get out of your own way, can you?” Name asked Duo with a raised eyebrow after he had told her, Quatre, and Trowa what had happened. Duo couldn’t help but laugh at the similarity between Heero and Name’s comments at his bad luck.  
          “But I got the job, so it’s not entirely bad,” Duo pointed out, “It’s just the universe balancing itself out.”  
          Name sighed heavily. Quatre gave Duo a tight hug.  
          “I’m so proud of you! You got a job _and_ you gave Zechs a good one!”   
          Duo wasn’t startled by the embrace. In the mixtures of brown, greens, and blacks of the kitchen, Quatre’s blond hair practically glowed.  
          “And I’m sure Heero will get you another pair of glasses tomorrow,” Trowa added.   
          “Actually,” Heero said, “I was thinking of setting up an appointment with Dr. James. When we were in the hospital, he said he thought that he knew what was wrong with his eyes, but he didn’t have the ability to test him. Even if he can’t _cure_ him, we can get contacts. Those might be better.”  
          “Contacts?” Duo asked, cocking his head to the side, managing to look in Heero’s direction.  
          “If it’s ok with you,” Heero offered.  
          “I’d like to try it. I really loved those glasses,” Duo said mournfully, “But I don’t want to go through this again. If I get contacts, Zechs can’t break them like that.”   
          “Zechs isn’t doing that again because he’s not coming near you again,” Heero growled.  
          Name looked at her watch.     
          “I know it’s Friday night, but maybe you kids should go to bed, especially you, Duo, it’s been a long day. I’ll leave Dr. James a message to call me tomorrow.”  
          “Ok,” Duo agreed. He felt too tired to stay up late and he could get up early tomorrow.. He felt less on edge in the security of the house and just wanted to take a nap. He felt Heero put a hand on his arm.  
          “To your room?” he asked. Duo nodded. Shiva followed the two of them as Heero carefully led the longhaired boy up the stairs.  
   
   
   
          Sammy was already sleeping on Duo’s pillow and Toby was anxiously waiting for Duo. The tom cat was having the hardest time adjusting to his new life style. He was nearly attached to Duo’s hip when he was at home, relying on him to remain safe and familiar. During the day, he prowled the housel like an anal guard dog until he started to yowl to be let out, though he had returned to the house as soon as it had gotten dark, much to Name’s relief. She didn’t know what she would have done if he hadn’t come back.  
          Toby was immediately on alert when he noticed that Heero was leading Duo. He jumped up onto the bed, ready to protect his newly named owner if he had to, but Duo stroked his back, his tawny fur standing out on the navy bed spread. Toby lied down next to him, watching Heero warily. Duo felt a little bit better about his vision as he sat on the bed sine he never wore his glasses when he slept. Heero left Duo for a few seconds to grab his pajamas and pushed the into Duo’s hands.  
          “Do you want me to stay with you?” he asked worriedly.  
          “No,” Duo assured him, “I feel better now.”  
          “Ok, good night, then.”  
          “Good night,” Duo called, only taking off his sweater when he heard the door close and Heero’s footsteps walking down the hallway.  
   
   
   
          Heero sighed and pinched his nose as he opened the door to his room. He had only been half joking in his comment to Duo about his inability to stay out of trouble. It wasn’t Duo’s fault. It wasn’t like he _asked_ to be involved with assholes like Wes and Zechs, they just sort of gravitated to him, like mosquitoes to bright lights. He supposed that made him a moth, circling uselessly around that same brilliant light.   
          Heero’s eyes widened when he saw that he wasn’t alone in the room. Angel and Cotton had, somehow, gotten from their beds in the laundry room, onto his.  
          “How did you two get in here?!” he demanded, keeping his voice low so he wouldn’t disturb Duo. Angel looked at him, unimpressed by the authority in his voice. Cotton was fast asleep, oblivious to what was happening around him.  
          “Scat!” Heero glared, sure that the hostile look would send Angel running. It didn’t. She only yawned toothily and curled back up on the bed. Heero sighed again, rubbing at his tired eyes.  
          “ _Fine_!” he conceded, surrendering to the will of the stubborn cats. It was rare that he would give in to anyone, but even he knew when he was beaten. It was also very hard to be angry at something so small, cute, and seemingly helpless, even when he realized that the fluffy things could claw his eyes out if they wanted to.  
   
   
   
   
            
   
          10:15 a.m. Saturday morning found Heero in Dr. James’ waiting room, waiting for Duo’s exam to be over. The optometrist had called his mother back promptly at six in the morning and had been glad to schedule Duo an exam at 9:35. Both Heero and Duo were immensely glad to hear that James had his own office, outside of the hospital. When he had heard that, Duo had proclaimed that that was a very good thing because there was no way in hell he was going back to the hospital again. It had been a sweet reunion between Duo and one of the few adults that had actively tried to help him. James seemed equally happy to see them and eager to finally figure out what was wrong with Duo’s eyes. Heero thought that James considered Duo his good deed for the year, the one patient he had that _truly_ needed his services. He had explained to Heero that he mostly took care of elderly people who would do _anything_ to keep their driver’s license and little nearsighted kids, but what had happened to Duo was just plain tragic. Heero agreed with him on that.  
          Heero stood as the door opened and the nurse came out.  
          “Mr. Yuy, Dr. James would like to speak to you.”  
          Heero nodded and followed her. He had an intense feeling of déjà vu in between _now_ and when they had taken the cats to the vet. From one stray to another, he thought in amusement. The nurse brought him to James’ office and left with a smile. James and Duo were already seated, waiting for him. Duo turned and smiled excitedly at him. He wasn’t wearing glasses, but Heero realized that he could see.  
          “Contacts?” he asked. Duo nodded happily.  
          “Dr. James showed me how to put them in and clean them,” he said, “they feel kind of weird, but I see just as well as with the glasses.”  
          “You won’t have to deal with them for very long,” James assured him from behind his desk. The short, kind optometrist hadn’t changed at all since the last time they had seen him and Heero gladly shook his hand.  
          “Then you know what’s wrong with him!”  
          James nodded.  
          “Please sit down,” the doctor gestured to the empty chair next to Duo. As Heero sat, he looked over at Duo. He smirked as she watched Duo rub at his nose where the bridge of his glasses would have been. Duo had always had mixed feelings about his glasses. He was grateful for the improvement in his vision, but he had gotten sick of the teasing and how they had become just as much of a crux as an aid. Now that he had his practically invisible contacts, he was feeling much better. He had hated the tests though. One of them was something that James had called a ‘soft tissue MRI’, plus an X-ray. The doctor had told him that it would help them figure out if there was any damage to his eyes, but Duo had been scared of being in the dark, all alone. Fortunately, it had been quick, but he still felt a little shaky. He refused to tell Heero that he hadn’t called for him because he was too embarrassed of his childish fear. The contacts were more uncomfortable than the glasses had been and he felt naked without something over his eyes and face, but James’ comment that he wouldn’t have to get used to them excited him.  
          “So, what’s wrong with me?” he asked.   
          “I gave Duo an MRI and an X-Ray,” James told Heero, then looked at Duo, “when you told me in the hospital that your vision only started to go back when you suffered trauma to your head, I became convinced that the two things were related and the pictures I took of your skull confirmed it. The force that that… man used on you caused several hair-line cracks in your skull.”  
          Duo and Heero’s eyes widened in shock.  
          “Don’t worry,” James assured them, “They’re non-threatening and your skull didn’t shatter in any place. However, somehow, you have a fragment of bone, smaller than the edge of a fingernail, really, lodged in the soft tissue of your eye stem. It created a small cut in the tissue. On its own, the fragment isn’t the problem, it’s the fluid building up in the tissues because as long as the bone remains stuck there, the wound can’t heal. The resulting pressure is distorting your vision. With enough time, the fluid is going to completely block visual reception in your left eye.”  
          “So… I’m not going to be able to see in that eye?” Duo asked nervously. A bitter voice inside of him told him that it would just be one more thing that Wes had taken from him, besides, at least he would still have vision in his right eye.  
          “The glasses have helped a little,” James said, “not as much as if the wound had never happened, but they won’t be able to prevent the blindness. You probably will lose it within two years. However, there _is_ a procedure.”  
          “What kind of procedure?” Heero asked suspiciously. Despite how kind James was, Heero still had very little trust in doctors and ‘procedures.’  
          “It’s called an Iridotomy,” James explained, “it’s a minor surgery. Basically, an instrument the size and shape of a needle is inserted into the side of your head, next to the eye. The bone fragment is removed and the fluid is drained. The wound and resulting puncture are so small that they’ll heal on their own and, hopefully, with no fluid in the tissues, your sight will start to improve gradually.”  
          Duo’s hands tightened in his lap.. He had been so out of it in the hospital, he barely remembered anything about those first couple of days and the surgeries he had gone through, but instead of feeling relieved that he didn’t remember, the lack of information scared him. What if something went wrong? But, the worst he could think was losing the sight in his eye, which would be inevitable if he _didn’t_ go through with the procedure.   
          “It won’t hurt?” he asked nervously. He didn’t want to lose his sight. More than his fear of surgery, his fear of such a handicap overwhelmed him. James smiled reassuringly at him Heero took Duo’s hand in his, seeing the fear in his best friend’s eyes. He was scared, too. He didn’t like to think about those first couple of days in the hospital, terrified that Duo would die, but this was different. They weren’t slicing him up and it _was_ important. He didn’t want Duo to be blind in one eye any more than Duo did. He tried to dredge up some hatred for Wes at hurting Duo, but mostly he felt shocked that the man had did this. He had almost shattered Duo’s skull…  
          “I’ll give you a local anesthetic,” James said, “you won’t feel a thing and the operation will only take ten minutes at the most. You’ll have to wear a band aid over the puncture, but only until it stops bleeding. The procedure is similar to getting blood drawn, but actually hurts less.”   
          Duo looked over at Heero for guidance. Heero patted his hand.  
          “Whatever you want to do, I’ll support it,” he said softly. Duo chewed on his lip. He didn’t see any third option here. He could get the operation and maybe his sight would get better, or he could refuse and it was a definite that he would _lose_ half of his sight.  
          “I’ll do it,” he said with conviction, “but… I want Heero with me.”  
          Heero stared at him, startled, but Duo looked at him with need in his eyes.  
          “Please, Heero?” he begged and with that, Heero knew he couldn’t say no. He didn’t want to say no. He nodded.  
          “That’ll be fine,” James said, “How about next week, Thursday, at five p.m.?”   
          “Ok,” Duo agreed, “will I be able to go to work the next day?”  
          “Yes, that will be fine, but you shouldn’t drive right after the operation,” the doctor advised. Duo nodded.  
          “Thanks, Doctor,” Heero said and he and Duo shook James’ hand.  
   
   
   
   
          Duo was quiet as Heero drove through the town toward one of Duo’s favorite restaurants for lunch; Heero had decided to treat Duo when they had left the Doctor’s office, after the news about his vision, he certainly deserved it. Heero looked over at him, not sure if his silence and stillness was a bad sign or that it was good that he wasn’t fidgeting.  
          “Are you sure about this?” Heero asked. Duo nodded, deep in thought.   
          “I don’t want to lose half of my sight,” he murmured, staring out of the window, “I’m a little bit scared but I’d rather be frightened than half blind. But… I feel a little bit like that all the time,” he whispered, his voice choked with pain, “You’re always leading me around and I just… I feel like I keep bullying you into this stuff. You’re always there, even when I don’t ask you to be. You don’t have to be there for me next week. I can manage on my own, I swear I can. I don’t want to force you to do something that will make you uncomfortable.”  
          Heero sighed.  
          “Dummy,” he said affectionately, “You don’t bully me into anything. You couldn’t keep me away if you tried.”  
          Duo smiled sheepishly and rubbed at the back of his head, imagining that he could feel the damage that James had showed him on the X-ray. He still couldn’t believe it. The X-Rays had made his skull look like cracked glass. It was hard to believe that his skull really looked like that.  
          “I wonder if that’s why my head hurts so bad when some spots are touched, because Wes cracked my skull?” he mused mostly to himself. Heero’s fingers tightened on the steering wheel.  
          “Just another reason why that bastard deserves to rot in hell,” Heero snarled, “I mean, what the hell was he thinking?! He could have shattered your skull! You could have died!”           
          Duo gave a half shrug.  
          “He was always like that. He’d have these… plans and always seemed to know everything, but when he was mad… he was absolutely terrifying, but it was just in his nature, I guess.”  
          Heero’s anger rose at the sound of Duo’s apathetic tone.   
          “Don’t you get mad over anything?!” he snapped, “The man almost kills you, he shatters your skull, rapes you, strangles you, and ruptures your spleen and all you can say is ‘it was just in his nature’?! You won’t let anyone… seek out justice for you, don’t you think you deserve that?!”  
          “There were some days that all I did was lie in bed, hurting and feeling dirty and broken, just _hating everyone_ ,” Duo said in a tired, flat voice, leaning against the cold glass of the window, “I’ve always hated Wes, I’ve always hated myself, but now… it’s just so hard to feel any of that anymore. It makes me feel too sick inside.”  
          Heero pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant and turned off the engine.  
          “You don’t have to hate all the time, but if someone’s hurting you or has hurt you, it scares me when you don’t care and don’t want to get people in trouble,” Heero said in a soft voice, “I know that we can’t call the police about Zechs and Relena, not if you want to remain in hiding and anonymous, but there has to be something we can do to make them stop!”  
          Duo snorted.  
          “If you have any ideas, I’d love to hear them,” the longhaired boy sighed, “Heero, with everything that’s happened, I just want to spend _one fucking day_ as a normal teenager. I don’t care about justice or revenge or any of that stuff, I just want that one thing. Can’t we do that?”  
          Heero smiled sadly at him.  
          “Let’s try that, right now,” he said, “starting with a nice lunch.”  
          Duo smiled back at him and the two of them got out of the silver car, walking into the restaurant together.  
   
   
   
   
          Relena couldn’t believe that this was happening. What could be so _difficult_ about getting rid of one, teenage boy? She had thought for sure that the boys she had hired could take care of things. She had been sure that Duo wouldn’t fight back. She had been sure that Heero would see the tape and be disgusted. But, everything had gone so wrong. _She_ had been wrong, Duo had fought back and Heero had stood by him. How could she possible conceive something like that? Well, Heero probably hadn’t seen the tape, that was all. But, she couldn’t get something out of her head. She had gone to the school to see if her plan had worked, only to be shocked in finding that absolutely nothing had changed. When Duo had started to walk into the school with the others, he had looked back, right at her and had given her this terrible… defiant look. She had shuddered and quickly left, not bearing to understand that expression, but she did now. That look had said, “go ahead, do what you can, but know that I will fight you every step of the way and I will _never_ lose.” Yes, she understood that look very well and she hated it. A week had passed since then and Relena quickly realized that, all this time she had been thinking too small. Yes, the end result would have to be Heero coming back to England with her, but getting Heero to spurn his best friend was just so… childish. It didn’t have to be Heero who got rid of Duo, but she was still sure that he was the problem. But, that look had made things personal. That look had sent a shiver down her spine. It had… scared her. At first she had scoffed at the thought of her being afraid of the longhaired boy, but she realized that she was. She had to think bigger, she had to do _anything_ , as long as the end result was the same, it didn’t matter, did it? All she knew was that in order to form another plan, she needed help. She needed to talk to the only person that knew Duo that she _could_ talk to, her brother.  
          So, here she was, back at the school looking for the one person she had hoped to never speak to again. They had always been at odds with each other, even as children. She had always been her parents’ favorite and they had had no problems letting her brother know this. Her brother had hated her for it, but what had really fueled his fury was that she had been untouchable. Zechs had blamed their father and his business and personal mistakes for the divorce and Relena had blamed their mother for not being a better wife and lover for their prestigious father. The worst blow had come when the custody battles had broken out. Both of their parents had been viciously fighting for custody of her, but with her father’s money and status, he had won and had forced their mother to take Zechs and leave England. She knew that Zechs hated _her_ for all of this, but she didn’t care. There really wasn’t anything that her brother could do about it.  
          With his habits of skipping classes to go smoke, Zechs was easy to find. Relena couldn’t remember when her brother had started smoking, it was just one those things that seemed to always be there. He hadn’t changed at all, she mused. He was still much taller than her, his hair still long, and his eyes were still as hard and cold as always. He was leaning against the back door of the school, a lit cigarette in his left hand. He looked at her with disdain.  
          “Relena,” he said in a stiff, cold voice. Relena smiled sweetly at him, but even a child could see how fake it was.  
          “Hello, Zechs. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?” she greeted, “I hate meeting under these conditions, but there’s something I need to ask you,” she jumped right into it but Zechs put up his hand, cutting her off.  
          “Save your breath, sister dear I know _exactly_ what you want,” he jeered. Relena narrowed her eyes at him. She didn’t know what she hated more, being interrupted or being transparent.  
          “And what is it that you think I want?” she asked, her cold voice rivaling his.  
          “To have your _beloved handsome_ prince back at the ‘royal palace’ and in your arms again, of course,” Zechs mocked. Relena curled her hands into fists, wanting to wipe that look off of her brother’s face, but was to afford of his physical superiority to try to hit him.  
          “Actually, what I want is to know what you know about Duo Maxwell” she said, trying to stay diplomatic, “Alex told me all about your… relationship with him.”  
          To her annoyance, Zechs didn’t look shocked or angry at this, just slightly bored.  
          “Sorry, Sis, but what I know, I’m keeping to myself. It’s my knowledge, after all, something you’ll _never_ be privy to,” Zechs grinned as fury filled his little sister’s face and she looked like she was ready to scream. Playing with her was a bit boring, though, it was too easy to ruffle her feathers, unlike a certain violet-eyed boy who was getting progressively more aggressive and independent. He wasn’t sure if he liked that but it did make things more interesting.   
          “Are you so arrogant that you won’t help your own sister be happy?!” she screeched. Zechs pretend to think about it for a minute.  
          “Why yes, yes I am.”  
          Zechs almost laughed as Relena actually growled at him.  
          “However I will give you this piece of advice: you’re on the right track. Heero will never want to be with you with Duo around, they’re too closely knit. You’d have to take the violet eyed brat out of the picture entirely or Heero will always be… distracted.”  
          Relena snorted. If her brother was suggesting that her Heero and that… thing were… _involved_ , he was way off. Heero was just confused right now, she just needed to remind him that they were meant to be together.  
          “I can help you if you want” Zechs suggested. Relena glared at him and flicked her long hair over her shoulder.  
          “Don’t flatter yourself, _brother_ ,” she snapped, “I don’t need your help.”  
          Relena spun on her heel and stormed back to the limo, furious and frustrated, but knew that trying to reason with her brother was pointless.  
   
          Zechs watched his sister go with a smirk. He crushed his cigarette under his boot and went back inside the school, shoving his hands in his pockets. Relena was still the spoiled little girl she had always been, unwilling to ask for help, but always demanding answers. Well, he was different. If Relena didn’t want his help, that was fine, but like it or not, whether she _knew_ it or not, she was going to help him get Duo _exactly_ where he wanted him. Well, he wouldn’t help her _too_ much, even if they both needed each other’s help. No, he wouldn’t help her too much, it was much too fun watching her struggle in frustration and pain.  
  
End Chapter 6


	21. Surgery Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo has surgery to repair his eye sight. Name is visited by a business partner who wants to marry his daughter to Heero in a business arrangement.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7: Surgery  
Part 1  
  
    “It’s ok, you’re doing great,” Heero said in a soothing tone as Duo’s grip tightened on his hand. Duo remained silent, staring up at the ceiling as Dr. James operated on the side of Duo’s head. Heero tried very hard not to look at that side. He wasn’t normally squeamish, but there was something about medical procedures that left him screaming and sick inside. He hated that feeling and preferred not to notice the doctor and what he was doing at all. He told himself that he didn’t have to look, he was here for support. Duo was doing pretty well, actually. There had been a moment when James had had to inject Duo with the anesthetic that Heero had thought his friend was going to start to hyperventilate, but as soon as the needle had gone away, Duo had relaxed. Heero realized that Duo had never been scared of the pain. Duo was used to pain, it was needles and drugs that terrified him and after what Wes had injected him with, Heero could understand Duo’s fear very well. When his skin had gone numb, Duo had seemed to relax completely, but tightened his hand every now and then. Heero thought that it was because Duo hated not knowing things. James had seemed to sense this, too, and had started to inform Duo of every step as he got to it.  
          The needle was just as tiny as James had said, about the size of a sewing needle. The doctor had already successfully drained all of the pus and fluid and Heero had been shocked at how much there was of it. He wasn’t surprised that Duo had had vision problems with all of that stuff packed up in there. Right now, James was trying to find the bone fragment. Duo was starting to show some strain, wanting badly to blink or close his eyes. James had told him that he could, but Duo was scared to. He knew that it was a stupid fear, but he hated being vulnerable like this, not knowing what was going on and being helpless until James finished. Heero was helping more than the Japanese boy knew. Even if he wasn’t watching, Duo fully trusted him to tell him if anything was wrong. He felt bad for having Heero do something he obviously was uncomfortable with. Duo was sure that Heero’s fear of hospitals, doctors, and medicine stemmed back to his father and wasn’t sure how to help. As James continued with the procedure, Duo realized that he never should have asked his best friend to do this, but Heero’s presence made him feel so much better, safe and looked-after. He squeezed his hand, partially for comfort. It made him want to laugh. He didn’t know who was more scared at this point.   
          “Ah ha!” James suddenly exclaimed, making the two teenagers tense, startled. Heero looked over and watched with wide eyes as the needle finally withdrew, its tip clutching a sliver of blood covered bone. Heero couldn’t believe that something so… almost nonexistent had caused so much trouble. The anesthesia was still working, so Duo couldn’t feel anything, but he heard the slight ‘plunk’ when James dropped the bone into the metal surgical tray by the chair.  
          “Is it… over?” he asked, feeling a tiny bit shaky.  
          “Yes,” James said happily, swiping the wound clean with cotton swaps and sprayed some antiseptic on it, covering the small hole with a band aid.  
          “We’re all done,” James announced, “the bone and fluid are out, so the wound should be able to heal itself, finally.”  
          Duo sat up and lightly touched the band aid, but his temple and the corner of his eye were still numb.   
          “How do you feel?” James asked. Duo shrugged.  
          “My eye feels kind of weird. It doesn’t hurt, it just feels weird,” he said. James nodded.  
          “Your body is aware of the trauma of surgery, but can’t feel the pain. The feeling will pass. Once the anesthesia wears off, that area will probably ache for a few hours, but over the counter pain medications like Tylenol will take care of it. You should notice a change in your vision gradually over the next couple of weeks. If there isn’t a change, we’ll have to schedule another MRI, but I don’t think that that will happen,” the doctor explained.  
          Duo rubbed at the band aid again.  
          “Will I have to clean it?” he asked.  
          “Only if it doesn’t stop bleeding,” James said, “but that’s extremely rare.”  
          “Are you sure you’re ok?” Heero asked, unable to hide his suspicion and fear of surgery.  
          “Yeah, I just can’t believe how easy that was,” Duo said in awe getting off the examination chair and standing. James chuckled.  
          “I told you it was only a small procedure. Now, I want to schedule a follow-up two weeks from now,” James said, keeping an eye on Duo. It had been a very small operation, yes, but everyone’s body was different and he wasn’t sure about Duo getting up and walking around so soon after surgery. Still, he seemed fine.  
          “I can do it on another Thursday night,” Duo offered.  
          “Alright, I’ll put you down at the same time in two weeks.”  
          “Can we really go?” Duo asked.  
          “Of course,” James patted his shoulder, “But I want you to call me if you experience any problems or have any questions, ok?”  
          Duo nodded, happy just to be allowed to leave. As much as he liked Dr. James, he still didn’t trust doctors all that much.  
          “We’ll see you then, thank you,” Heero said, in a hurry to leave, nearly dragging Duo out of the door.  
   
   
   
          Heero felt like singing in joy when the two of them got into his car. He looked over at Duo, looking for any sign of pain or disability, almost positive that there had to have been _something_ that had gone wrong, but aside from the band aid just underneath his eyebrow, at his temple, there was no indicator that he had ever had surgery.  
          “You’re really ok?” he asked in paranoia. Duo nodded.  
          “It’s starting to ache a little,” he confessed, “but I’ll just take a couple of Tylenol when we get home. Everything went _fine_ ,” he assured the blue eyed boy. Heero managed to smile at him, feeling a little bit of his fear and paranoia leave him as he started up the car.  
   
   
   
   
          The Tylenol did wonders with helping the aches just behind Duo’s eye. Even Name had been surprised that it had been so quick and had been more than glad to supply the painkillers for his aches. They had a pleasant dinner with Trowa and Quatre, glad in knowing that an entire day had passed with noting bad happening, with the exception of Williams’ usual subtlety of trying to embarrass Duo, but, as usual, Duo made sure he was always two steps ahead in his work, making the history teacher look like an idiot.  
          Duo noticed the first change when he woke up early Friday morning for school. He hadn’t put his contact lenses in yet and he noticed the small change rather quickly, but it was something that he could never explain in words and he knew that he wasn’t going to tell Name or Heero about it. The colors weren’t as distorted in his vision and shapes seemed more defined, but he wasn’t sure if it was just wishful thinking or if his vision really was getting better. He shrugged it off and put his contacts back in, ready to face the day as though nothing had changed.  
   
   
   
          At that particular moment, Duo didn’t know what he felt more as Heero pulled up to the Cottage parking lot, anxiety for not really knowing what was going to happen or excitement for finally having a job. He felt oddly small, sitting in the car, clutching his dinner in a paper bag.  
          “I’ll pick you up later, ok?” Heero interrupted Duo’s thoughts. Duo just nodded. In a brief moment, he didn’t want Heero to leave. He was afraid of what would happen once he left, but the feeling passed. He recognized it as just another step he had to take.  
          “See ya,” he said before getting out of the car and closing the door behind him. It was hard not to look back as he walked inside, even after he heard the car leave.  
          He stepped inside the Cottage and walked up to the customer service desk. The brunette was manning the desk again, taking care of a customer wanting to return something. Duo waited patiently for her to finish, feeling a bit amused when she broke out into a huge, beaming smile when she finally noticed him.  
          “You came back!” she exclaimed, “biiiig mistake,” she teased. Duo laughed a little.  
          “Yeah, well, I figured that you might need some help after the chaos I caused last time I was here,” he shot back. She rolled her eyes.  
          “You kidding me? You probably made Mr. H feel twenty years younger. Hey, I never introduced myself!” she left the desk to shake his hand.  
          “I’m Sarah.”   
          “Duo,” he greeted, shaking her hand back, “I don’t suppose you know what I’m supposed to do?”  
          “Mr. Hastings told me that this is your first day,” she assured him, “You’re soooo lucky, stockers don’t have to wear these stupid uniforms,” she moaned, half-joking. Duo eyes her green t-shirt with the cottage logo on the pocket over her left breast. He thought that he would look pretty stupid wearing it, though he had never worn any sort of uniform before.  
          “You can stash your lunch in the back break room,” the brunette pointed to the door Duo had gone through his first visit there, “Mr. H is waiting for you in the cargo bay. Just follow the hallway, it’s the very last door. I’ll probably see you later.”  
          “Thanks,” Duo said as she returned to her station, the two of them watching a group of old ladies as they wandered through the aisles.  
   
   
   
          Duo was glad that Sarah had been right; stockers didn’t need to wear uniforms like the cashiers. He put his dinner in the fridge in the employee lunch room and found the cargo bay.  
          “Duo!” Hastings called him over as he entered, standing in front of a huge stack of boxes.  
          “Hello, Mr. Hastings. What do you want me to do?” he asked.   
          “First off, at the end of tonight, I’m going to give you your punch card. The clock is in the lunch room. Just wipe your card when you need to punch in and out. You have to punch out for breaks, but not if you have to go to the bathroom,” the man explained, “As soon as you punch in, I need you to check out here. We get packages all the time. The over night employees take care of inventory, you just have to put the product out on the shelves and make sure that every shelf is well stocked. Each box will be marked with what is inside and where it goes. Once you finish unpacking the boxes, you just have to keep patrolling the floor and keep the shelves full. You got all that?”  
          Duo nodded. It sounded too easy, but he supposed any job would sound that way after his _other_ job. Hastings patted his shoulder.  
          “If you need help with anything, I’m in my office. You’ll be paged to the break room for breaks.”  
          “Ok,” Duo said, looking at the huge pile of boxes with interest. Hastings left him alone and Duo went to work. He had never done much menial, busy work in his life, but as he moved the boxes onto the floor and stocked the shelves, he found it oddly soothing.  
   
   
   
          The Cottage was busiest on the weekends, but customers mostly left Duo alone as he worked, but towards the last few hours of his shift, the store was nearly deserted, so Duo wasn’t surprised when Sarah had come into the back of the store to find him. He was only halfway through the boxes and knew it was going to take more than one day to finish it, but was eager to tackle it tomorrow. It was a strange goal for him, just something normal that he wanted to prove to himself that he could accomplish. He hadn’t gotten around to stocking the other shelves, but Hastings had told him not to worry about it, the boxes were more important.  
          “You tired of this yet?” she asked with a teasing smirk.  
          “Not really,” Duo murmured, unpacking mugs with the town’s name on one side and a painted picture of one of their forests on the other. It was true that this sort of work was mindless, but selling himself had been the same way. He felt that he could give a blowjob in his sleep he had done it so many times. But, it wasn’t the repetitiveness that had made it mindless; it was the fact that he had forced himself into that mindset, so he would never have to really think about what he was doing. He had tried very, very hard _not_ to think of those memories recently. They were always at the back of his mind, but he focused completely on his life at school and home, lying to himself that those painful things had happened to someone else. As wrong as it felt to bury such a prominent part of himself, it had worked so far. Stocking shelves, compared to selling his body to men, wasn’t boring, it was normal, soothing, and, as flat and repetitive as it was, it made him feel useful.  
          “You were really worried about this job, weren’t you?” Sarah asked in a soft voice, leaning against the wall. Duo stared at her in shock. They hadn’t talked much, especially not enough for her to know much about him.  
          “I can see it in your eyes,” she explained, “You just look so… relieved. You don’t see that very often with this sort of job.”  
          Duo shrugged. Solo had once told him that his eyes made him an open book. He had learned, gradually, to hide his feelings from Wes. It had had nothing to do with survival; it was just a stupid game. Wes loved knowing every part of him, so not being able to predict how he was feeling or what he was going to do had always annoyed him. A small win, but in those times, he had taken _any_ win, no matter how small. Wes had always seemed to win where it really mattered, so those little things had been important to him. Of course, he had won the biggest battle of all, hadn’t he? He had escaped. Duo couldn’t help but smile at that thought. He had won where it had _really_ mattered. He was alive, healthy, and with people that loved him. Best of all, he had proven Wes wrong. He _was_ something; he was more than just a whore. Hell, he hadn’t had sex in over two months! That thought made him feel dizzy.  
          “Are you ok?” Sarah asked in concern, seeing the younger boy’s eyes cloud over with something dark and heavy, only to lighten in a strange sort of joy.  
          “Yeah,” Duo recovered from his thoughts, “It’s just that I’ve never had a job before, I didn’t know what to expect, but this really isn’t so bad.”  
          “How old are you?” she asked.  
          “Fifteen,” he said, trying to keep the uncertainty out of his voice. Her hazel eyes widened.  
          “Wow, I’m glad I couldn’t work up the courage to ask you out or I’d feel like a cradle robber. I’m 22.”  
          “You wanted to ask me out?” Duo asked with wide eyes, “why?”   
          Sarah looked away from him, clearly embarrassed.  
          “Well, you’re really cute, but you’re not arrogant about it. I like guys like that,” she murmured, “Hey, is it true that you live with _the_ Heero Yuy?!” she asked perkily, quick to change the subject.  
          Duo felt jealousy strike him like a wave. Was Heero Sarah’s type, too?  
          “Yes,” he said warily. He hated feeling this way. It was a stupid, ugly emotion, but powerful. He liked Sarah, she didn’t make him feel threatened or small, but when Heero was involved, he had a hard time thinking logically.  
          “Are you related to them somehow?”   
          Duo shook his head.  
          “I’m just Heero’s best friend. His mom took me in when I got sick and couldn’t pay the bills. My dad still doesn’t know that,” Duo told her, trying to be as honest as he could afford to be.   
          “That’s cruel,” she whispered, “Your father doesn’t know where you are? Doesn’t that bother you?”  
          “He wasn’t a very nice person,” Duo said in a clipped tone.  
          “Oh,” Sarah murmured, getting what he _wasn’t_ saying, “It’s so nice of them to just take you in like that.”  
          “You have no idea,” Duo muttered so quietly that she didn’t hear him.  
          “Soooo… what’s Heero like?” Sarah suddenly blurted out.  
          Duo was silent, unsure of whether or not he wanted to say anything. It probably hadn’t been a good idea to tell her anything. He had been more honest with people in the last month than he had ever been his entire life. He was used to glossing over the truth, but it was hard to come up with reasons for lying anymore. He rubbed at the bridge of his nose before he could stop himself. It was quickly becoming a nervous tic for him. He was immensely glad that neither Hastings nor Sarah had asked him about his not wearing glasses. It seemed like forever since he had not needed glasses to see and now he felt naked without them. He couldn’t stop himself from touching where the bridge of his old glasses would have been, too used to pushing them up since they had been meant for someone much older. He hated himself for letting Zechs getting the drop on him, not because he had let his guard down or that he had gotten hit, but that he had lost the very first, real gift anyone had ever given him, something that was deeply precious to him. He didn’t think he would ever forgive himself for them being destroyed. His hands strayed towards the band aid by his temple, but he hesitated to touch it. He had been more upset at himself than Heero had been. Instead of getting angry, Heero had just moved on, trying out new ways to solve the problem as though nothing had happened. Duo would always miss the glasses, but Heero’s actions had put him in awe. He wondered if his best friend even understood the concept of giving up. Probably not after all, he was still trying and patient with him, despite all his issues, right? He smiled at that thought.  
          “Well, he’s tenacious and very kind, a bit bullheaded, I guess. He’s very smart and, well… normal,” Duo had never thought he would be using those words to describe Heero. His kindness and readiness to forgive him despite his flaws, and his patient affection weren’t normal from what Duo had experienced in the world, but Heero tried very hard to act like a normal kid and that was how Duo saw him. Compared to how Duo had lived his life, Heero was just a normal teenager; he had friends, liked certain movies, had a family, and went to school. What could be more normal than that?  
          Sarah snorted.  
          “His family is the richest and most powerful in the _world_! That’s hardly normal!” she pointed out. Duo shrugged.  
          “Maybe not, but he doesn’t act that way. He’s not a god. Heero’s just… Heero. When I first met him, he was a bit arrogant, but when I got closer to him, I realized that that wasn’t who he was. I guess I don’t put him on a pedestal like everyone else,” Duo said in a soft tone.   
          “Still, it must be pretty cool living with them,” the brunette girl pressed, “I mean that makes you pretty special by default! I’m surprised you don’t have people hounding you all the time.”  
          Duo almost snorted at that. The last thing he wanted was to be special. He had been “Special” his entire life and he wanted nothing more to do with it. Why couldn’t he just be a normal, teenage boy for a little while?  
          “Not really,” he confessed. He wondered about that, how Name had managed to keep reporters at bay, but he wouldn’t put anything past the woman. He was glad he didn’t have to deal with it, though.   
          “But why are you working here if you live with them? Are they forcing you to or something?” she asked worriedly.  
          “No, nothing like that,” he assured her, “I just don’t want to be one of those useless people that leeches off other people’s kindness. I’m fifteen and getting a job seemed like the right thing to do.”  
          Duo finished with the box he had been working on and moved on to the next one in his little pile. He frowned when he noticed that the shelf he was supposed to stock the contents in was already full, which meant that he had to put it on the very top shelf. Sarah watched in amusement as the younger boy got onto his toes and struggled to put the box on the top shelf. Duo glared at the height in frustration, realizing that he was going to have to climb up on the first shelf, which he didn’t dare to do, in order to reach the top. It was pretty impossible, but he refused to let a stupid shelf beat him because he was too damn short. It was just one of those things that he hated about himself, but could never change. He doubted that he would ever have been tall, but what little height he would have had was stolen away by years of neglect and starvation. He _hated_ being short. People thought that he was weak and they could push him around with no problem. Sure, he was like that, but it had nothing to do with his height. The worst part was times like this when he couldn’t reach something, but was too embarrassed to ask for help.  
          “Maxwell!” Both Sarah and Duo flinched as Hastings yelled, noticing Duo trying to put the box on the shelf and failing miserably.  
          “You’re in trooouble!” Sarah sang teasingly, abandoning him and Hastings as she walked back to the front of the store. Duo paled a little bit. Was he really in trouble on the first day of his job?  
          “Yes, sir?” he asked timidly, cradling the sealed box in his arms. Hastings gave him a stern look.  
          “Use a stool,” he ordered.  
          Duo blushed.   
          “Sorry,” he apologized, “I thought for sure I could reach the top…”  
          Hastings snorted.  
          “There’s no shame in using a stool, Duo. If you’re short, then you’re short, I won’t have you hurting yourself.”  
          Duo nodded.  
          “Ok,” he agreed, “I’m not going to be able to finish all of this tonight, though.”  
          The older man shrugged.  
          “That’s fine. I don’t expect miracles.”  
          Duo watched as Hastings went back into the back office and he put the box back on the ground. He almost rubbed at the band aid, but stopped himself again. There were so many things he still had to get used to, but it was getting a little bit easier each day that he put between his present and his past.  
   
   
   
   
          Duo stared at the paper incredulously. Name bustled around him, cleaning the kitchen after they had all had lunch. The weekend had gone quickly, but since today was a holiday, they were all enjoying a day when they had nothing to do. Heero had left right after lunch to get his tires checked, stranding Duo at home, but he didn’t mind. He had been worried during work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, that Zechs would show up again, but he never did. He tried not to let his defenses down again. Living with Heero, he had forgotten that he had enemies. It was stupid, really, in living with Heero, he had undoubtedly made _more_ enemies instead of less, but he had stopped worrying about Zechs in between having too much going on in his life to bear worrying about him and simply being too tired to care. He had let his guard down because, at first he had thought that his life couldn’t possibly get any worse, then he had thought that he was finally _safe_. Even now, when he realized that the bad things in his life weren’t going to go away so easily, he didn’t feel very worried about Zechs or his fucking sister. He hated both of them, more than any person had the right to hate another human being, but he was tired of being afraid. He hated Zechs for almost destroying his and Heero’s friendship and all of the crap he had put him through before then. He hated Relena for butting into his new life, for what she had done to his best friend, but most of all, he hated her for taking the one thing he had wanted and wanted now more than anything else and destroying it. She had had Heero as a _fiancé_ , Heero had been willing to at least _try_ to love her, and her selfishness had destroyed their engagement _and_ their friendship. It pissed him off more than anything, that Relena had had that chance that he would _never_ have, how could she have ruined things like that? But he was tired of being afraid of people like Zechs and Relena. He had told Zechs that he couldn’t hurt him anymore and that was true. There were bigger things for him to worry about, like the problems that lay in his own mind, so deep down, it seemed like not even time was going to heal them.  
          “Are you going to look at that piece of paper all day?” Name’s voice broke through his thoughts and Duo blushed darkly. Name shook her head with a sigh, but made no move to take the paper away from him.  
          In his hands, Duo held his very first paycheck. He had gotten it yesterday and hadn’t stopped examining it since. He had quickly realized that he had never discussed his wage with Mr. Hastings. He also remembered thinking that he would consider himself lucky if he got ten dollars a week, because that was usually more than Wes had given him to survive on. Of course, in the recent economy, ten dollars was basically pocket change, but he was used to living on less. The number on the check was a bit more than he had been expecting. Over a hundred dollars more. The paper told him that he was being paid nine dollars an hour and that the check accounted for 17 of the 24 hours he had worked this week, so the math wasn’t wrong, it was just a bit… overwhelming. He had never owned this much money in his life. He had held this much, yes, but he had never _owned_ it, and that made a huge difference. He didn’t need this much, either, and it was just the first weekend.  
          “I… I don’t know what to do with it,” he confessed in a soft voice, feeling a bit lost. Name pulled a chair next to him and sat down gingerly taking the check from him.  
          “Well, you can cash it or put it in a bank account, both of which you have to do at the bank. You can always cash it and keep it in a secret place in your room,” she suggested with a smirk, “that’s what Heero did back when he was a little kid with his allowance.”  
          Duo sat still, feeling more relaxed. He loved hearing stories about Heero, especially as a child. He had seen pictures of him at young ages and Heero had been a very adorable child with his smoldering blue eyes and stern expressions, trying to look like an adult and failing. Name was always ready with an amusing story from her son’s childhood, either because she found Heero’s embarrassment funny or because she knew how much Duo enjoyed them. Lacking a normal childhood, it was nice to hear about the sort of life he should have had, though quite a bit painful, too. Also, he wanted to fill in the gaps between the Heero he knew now and that defiant child in the pictures.  
          “Of course,” Name continued, “he was never good at hiding anything and he usually ended up spending it on some toy the second I gave it to him.”  
          Duo smirked at that. He couldn’t imagine spending a cent of this money unless he really had to. The concept of conservation was too deeply ingrained in him. Save and cut corners as much as you can, don’t spend unless it’s a matter of life or death, those were the things he had lived by and they had been necessary. Money had always been fleeting for him. He didn’t exactly relish the idea of hoarding his paycheck, but the only things he had ever really needed, food shelter, clothes, and his health, were already being taken care of by Name. He could use some of it to buy more toys and treats for his cats, but he somehow knew that Name would be pissed if he spent a hundred dollars on his pets. But, he wasn’t used to having so much money and nothing that was a life or death situation to buy. He didn’t know anything about bank accounts, either, and the thought of trusting a complete stranger with his money was unsettling. Now that he actually _had_ money, he had no intention of letting anything take it away from him.  
          “It’s your decision, Duo,” Name told him, “and you don’t have to tell me what you decide.”  
          Duo nodded. She smiled at him and patted his knee.  
          “Why don’t you go upstairs and play games or something with Quatre, Heero will probably be gone for a few more hours,” she suggested.  
          “You don’t need help cleaning?” he asked. He almost always helped her with the chores since it made him feel useful, but she shook her head.  
          “Shoo, Duo,” she teased shaking her head as he ran out of the kitchen.  
   
   
   
   
          Duo was always nervous going into Trowa and Quatre’s room. The two lovers were very discrete about their relationship, never kissing or making out in front of the rest of them, but Duo was always worried that he would walk in on them in an intimate situation. He wondered why, after all he had seen and done, the thought of walking in on his two friends having sex embarrassed him so badly. Fortunately, today their door was wide open and he breathed in relief. As he stepped into the door way, he smirked at the sight of Quatre playing with Cassy, a bright colored rope with a bell and feather tied at the end in his fingers as Cassy tried to bat at it. Trowa was on his laptop, probably e-mailing his sister.  
          “Hey,” Duo walked towards Quatre, who was sitting on the bed. Cassy curled up next to his leg.  
          “Hi, Duo!” Quatre said brightly. The blonde watched with wide eyes as Cassy’s ears stood straight up and she ran over to Duo who scooped her up in his arms.  
          “Hey, honey. Have you been a good girl for Quatre and Trowa?” he cooed. The tiger striped cat purred and rubbed her head against his cheek.  
          “She’s been a very good girl,” Quatre assured him, “she’s a sweet heart.”  
          Duo put her back on the bed where she curled up to take a nap, her body pressed against Duo’s leg.  
          “I can see how much she loves you, she gets so excited whenever she sees you. I know you said it was ok if she sleeps with us, but I feel like I’m stealing her from you,” Quatre said mournfully. Cassy’s ears twitched in his direction. Duo snorted, drawing Trowa’s attention away from the computer.  
          “I have seven cats to keep me company and it’s not like we live a long way apart. If she’s happy with you, then I’m happy, too. I’m just glad that she’s not picky like the others. If you want a cat so badly, you can have one of Patches’ kittens when they’re born. I love my cats, but I can’t keep her babies, it’ll be too much for me to handle. I’d feel better knowing that someone I trust is taking care of one of them,” Duo said warmly. Quatre’s face lit up like a small child’s on Christmas morning and he hugged Duo tightly. Duo stiffened, his heart pounding and a small voice in the back of his head screaming at the sudden contact, but after a few seconds of trying to get his subconscious to accept that he was being touched by a very good friend and not an enemy, he finally started to relax.  
          Trowa watched his lover hug their friend, holding his breath. His green eyes searched for any signs that it was too much for Duo to handle, but relaxed when Duo did. He didn’t understand how Duo coped with all that had happened to him, but, despite what Duo thought about his efforts, he was doing remarkably well. He was adapting to his new life quickly and trying to put his past behind him. Trowa knew from first hand experience that you couldn’t bury your past, that was why being around Duo was so painful for him, it forced him to remember his own trials and hardships when he just wanted to forget them, even if he knew that such a thing was impossible. He also knew that Duo knew that very same thing, but he was trying anyway. He wanted to sigh about Quatre wanting a cat, but he wasn’t really surprised. His blonde lover had always had a soft spot for things that needed love and affection, so it was easy to see why he was protective of Duo and his eagerness to have a pet. Despite being the youngest of a huge horde of children, Quatre had grown up lonely and feeling distant from his family. Trowa could easily see why Quatre was so excited at the prospect of getting a cat and he knew that it would be good for him. Trowa had never begrudged or denied him anything, besides, he loved the little creatures, too.  
          “Thank you, Duo,” Quatre said as he finally released the other boy, not realizing the stress his simple hug had given Duo.  
          The sound of someone knocking on the front door reached them and Duo tensed again.  
          “Who…?” he murmured in confusion. Cassy opened her eyes slightly in annoyance. Duo moved to get up, but Quatre grabbed his hand.  
          “Don’t worry, Name will take care of it,” Quatre tried to assure him, but Duo looked far from convinced.  
   
   
   
   
   
          Name huffed in annoyance as she heard someone knocking on the door while she made her bed. She had hoped that today was going to be nice, quiet, and boring and she wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody, but she went to the door, checking the security system to see who it was first. It was stupid paranoia, but ever since Duo had moved in with them, she had been doing that more and more often. She agreed with Duo that it was unlikely that Wes would try anything so stupid like kidnapping Duo from their home, but she knew very well the sort of monster Wes Maxwell was and refused to take _any_ risks, no matter how small, especially with Duo and knowing what sort of sick things the man would do to him given half a chance.  
          Name’s eyes widened as she saw who was standing on her doorstep. Hard, light blue eyes looked back at her through the security system, eyes that were sharp despite the man’s age, his once brown hair completely gray and thinning, leaving the top of his head bald and the small bit of facial hair on his chin a light pepper, nearly white, but he was just as impressive as he had been in his youth. It was hard to remember that she had only seen Noventa, an ex-partner of hers, last year because it seemed like it had been much longer. The Noventa’s had been closer in business than personal life with the Yuy’s and she had parted ways with the head of the Noventa clan on much more pleasant terms than with the Peacecraft’s, but the sight of him made her stomach knot.  
           A few years ago, markets all across the world had tanked, resulting in the economic draught they were currently experiencing. No one knew exactly why, economic researchers had been hypothesizing for years, but still no one knew why the economy had been dragged through the mud so badly and they probably never would. Both the rich and the poor had been affected and families like the Noventa’s and the Peacecraft’s had been hit hard. She and Charles Noventa had been business partners for years and had had a good personal relationship. She would never call the man her friend, but they were pleasant to each other. In the business world, it was hard and bad sense to make friends. Anyone could stab you in the back and personal feelings could cloud judgment. Noventa had made some poor decision during that time and had almost bankrupted his own company while the Yuy Corporation had flourished. Name had quickly realized that the company could help others rebuild, but only if it remained strong and having Noventa and his bad choices as a partner might drag both the Yuy’s reputation and its prosperity down with them. Name had learned a long time ago that owners of businesses had to disregard their own personal feeling in order to survive, but she had still felt pity for Noventa and his granddaughter, Sylvia. Despite his age, after his daughter and son in law’s deaths, Charles had taken the girl in and Name had known that any action she took would affect his granddaughter as well, but she also knew her duties and responsibilities well.  
          In the end, Name had severed the partnership, but had made it clear that she was willing to help the Noventa’s if they needed it. About a year ago, the two of them had sat down and discussed way to help Noventa’s financial situation. It had been Charles who had brought up her son’s failed engagement with Relena Peacecraft. He had made the point that, if their children were to get married, it would improve the Noventa’s reputation and Name would be able to take over his company without creating any ill will among anyone else in the company. Name had agreed to herself that it sounded like a good business deal, but refused to say such a thing out loud; afraid that if she admitted that it was a good idea, it was like agreeing that it was something that they _should_ do.  
          Trowa and Quatre called Sylvia Noventa ‘the Poodle’. It was something that she could laugh at now, but at the time, it had worried her. She had learned many lessons dealing with Relena. After the proposal Name had watched Sylvia with Heero very closely and had found the nickname ‘Poodle’ to be sickeningly apt. Sylvia, physically, was a lot like Relena, down to her pale skin, long blonde hair, and blue eyes. She was pampered and followed Heero everywhere, just like Relena had, but she had one major difference from the other girl. Relena had always tried to force her will onto her son. Sylvia had been the exact opposite. Like her grandfather, Sylvia had been spineless, seemingly incapable of speaking out or giving her own opinion. She had followed Heero around, loyally, but, like a poodle, as though she didn’t have a single other thought besides obeying him. Name didn’t want her son tied down by such a person, such a vapid… robot. She had felt instantly better about her and Noventa’s conversation when she had spoken to Heero about it. Her son wasn’t oblivious to the Poodle nickname and had told her that, not only was he not attracted to Sylvia emotionally, physically, or mentally, he could never be involved romantically with someone that his friends hated. Shortly after that, they had moved to America. They had left Charles thinking that the marriage had not only been a possibility, but a _sure thing_. Name felt bad about that, wishing she could have found a solution for both of them, but right now after all of the other stuff she had had to think about, she really didn’t want to deal with Noventa. It was a terrible thing to think about an old partner, but she considered Duo and his problems much more important than Noventa’s.  
          Name hesitated, but unlocked and opened the door anyway. She didn’t want to talk to the man, but she felt like she owed him and at least now she finally had an answer for him.  
          “Hello, Charles” she greeted when she opened the door, “to what do I owe this pleasure?”  
          The older man smiled and shook her hand.  
          “You’re a hard woman to track down, Name.”  
          She almost snorted at that. She had done absolutely nothing to hide their move to Maine and anyone with internet access could have found them. Charles was more like Sylvia than he would ever know. She was quite sure that he had known where she was, but had been too indecisive and anxious to seek her out. He had probably decided to just wait for her to contact him, but had lost patience. She opened the door for him and led him to the living room.  
          “Have a seat,” she offered, gesturing to one of the chairs. He nodded and sat, seeming to study her.  
          “I’m sure you’re away of why I’m here, Name,” Charles began once she had taken a chair close to him.  
          “The marriage between Sylvia and Heero must be finalized and soon. Things are getting worse instead of better and Sylvia is becoming more and more depressed about the delay. We need to set up a date, the sooner, the better.”  
          Name sighed.  
          “I am aware of this, Charles, but there are some things we need to discuss first,” she said wearily.   
   
   
   
          Duo stood outside of the living room door, frozen in shock and pain, unable to do anything but stand there and listen. He felt a sharp sense of déjà vu at the news of Heero’s supposed marriage. His heart throbbed in his chest and he gripped at his shirt at the very real pain. He felt weird, his head hot and muffled, like it was filled with smoke or cotton. He felt oddly numb at the same time that he felt the agony in his chest.  
          Heero had promised him that he would never abandon him, yet it seemed like the rest of the world wanted him to. He didn’t belong here, he _knew_ that, but why couldn’t he have what he wanted, just once? Both Heero and Name had promised him that there would be no more secrets, Heero had promised him that he wasn’t getting married, but here was one more person, insisting that Heero’s heart belonged to someone else and Name had confirmed it. He had trusted the both of them, partially because he needed someone in his life that he could trust, but mostly because he loved both of them, but they had lied to him. Even if the marriage wasn’t happening, they had never told him about the engagement. He didn’t deserve to know everything in Heero’s life. Realistically, there were probably a lot of things he didn’t know about Heero’s past and he didn’t have the right to ask about any of them, but it hurt. He didn’t know what was worse, the thought of Heero getting married, or that no one had thought he was important enough to be privy to that information. He knew that if Quatre or Trowa or even Solo had done something like this, he wouldn’t feel so hurt. Relena had taught him to always doubt things when it came to the Yuy family. After all of the things that she had said and done, he knew that he couldn’t trust what anyone said. Even if Name agreed to it, he had to hear it from Heero in order to believe it.  
          Duo knew all of these things and knew that, logically, he had no reason to feel this bad about something he had simply overheard, but logic had nothing to do with it. He wasn’t in love with Quatre or Trowa or Solo. He was in love with Heero All the logic in the world couldn’t stop his heart from breaking. Duo rubbed at his arm, at the scar made from one of Wes’ cigarettes, and he looked over at one of the tables in the hallway, pushed against the wall, covered with pictures of a child Heero with his parents, everyone smiling and happy, an expensive vase in the middle with small, perfect roses in it. A sharp sense of alienation overwhelmed him.  
          ‘What am I doing here?’ he thought to himself. He knew who he was, didn’t he? Why was he here, worrying about the love of a boy he would never have? He had always been too concerned about just living to the end of the week to be worried about something that seemed so trivial in comparison. He had been born and raised amongst trash and blood. He had no real place in the world. He was just one of those forgotten many who suffered through life, ignored by people who claimed that they were sympathetic. He loved Heero more than anything, but hadn’t he always believed that, in the end, he would forget about him like everyone else? Heero was special, more so than anyone on the planet, what business did Duo have to be his best friend? What made him so different, so much better than the rest of the world? Why was he living in luxury when there were so many people more deserving than him that were suffering? What _was_ he doing here?  
          Tears prickled at his vision. Why couldn’t he just accept the things he had? Why did he have to feel this way? He was dirty, he had been born that way, but Heero couldn’t accept that, either. They had these visions of each other and kept trying to accept things that weren’t true. They were lying to each other, circling over the same lies over and over. He had thought that he knew Heero and could trust him, but he didn’t really know anything, it seemed, and Heero had only told him a few things about himself, but Duo wanted to know everything about the boy he fruitlessly loved. Heero thought that he could save him, that Duo had a chance at a normal life, but wasn’t that a lie, too? He had too many memories, horrible things that he could never forget, how could he ever be normal?  
          He would never be the person that Heero wanted him to be. How could Heero truly care about him when he felt so strange and useless? He wanted to be who Heero wanted and needed, he wanted to be able to change and be loved, but he couldn’t. It was impossible and that made his heart feel like he was being ripped apart from the inside out. He wanted to cry, but he felt too numb to let go. He wanted to curl up on the floor and break into pieces, but just being in the house was making him feel slick and displaced, all the things he had been forcing down over the last few weeks of normalcy finally rising to the surface. So, he did one of the few things he had always been naturally good at; he ran.  
   
   
   
   
          “Alright, then talk,” Noventa pressed. Name folded her hands in her lap, deciding to just get the unpleasant visit over with.  
          “You’re right, things are getting bad and we need to do something to help you’re family, but Heero will _not_ be marrying Sylvia.”  
          For the first time since they had first met, Name saw real fury in her ex-partner’s eyes, but she forced herself to ignore it.  
          “Heero does not love Sylvia and has told me that he does not want to marry her.”  
          “You’re his mother!” Charles snapped, “Make him marry her! He’s just a child, it’s your job to decide what he should do! You owe me and it’s what’s best and you _know_ it!”  
          Name’s fury matched Noventa’s easily and surpassed it. She glared at him, making him flinch.  
          “I don’t owe you a fucking thing. It is not my responsibility to chose Heero’s fate. He’s seventeen, hardly a child anymore, and he can make his own decisions. You’re right about one thing: he’s my _son_ , not a business tool and I will _not_ treat him like one.”  
          “You’re letting your emotions cloud your judgment!” he nearly growled. Name smirked and Noventa turned beet red.  
          “Yes, I suppose I am,” she admitted shamelessly.   
          Charles stood stiffly, as though he were made of wood. His eyes were those of a furious, desperate man, but she refused to look away.  
          “I can see there is no talking to you when you’re in this state,” he told her condescendingly. Name bristled at the clearly sexist comment and stood as well.  
          “I’ll be back in a few days to see if you’ve changed your mind,” he said, walking out of the room and to the front door.  
          “Don’t bet on it,” Name cautioned, following him closely.  
          “Good bye, Charles,” her voice was cold as he stormed out, keeping a grip on the open door so he didn’t have the chance to slam it. She closed and re-locked it with a heavy sigh. She suddenly felt very, very tired. She made an instant beeline for her bedroom, closing the door behind her. She was profoundly grateful that Heero hadn’t been home to deal with it, though she knew that he wouldn’t have changed his mind, no matter what Noventa would have said to him. She sat on her bed and looked at the picture of her and her deceased husband on the bedside table.   
          It had been taken on their wedding day by her now-dead mother-in-law. The two of them had been so young, her in her pretty white dress and him in his handsome tuxedo, both smiling so widely, it hade almost hurt. They had been so happy, the only day she could remember being happier was the day Heero had been born. Alexei looked so handsome in the photo, his constantly unruly brown hair in his eyes. His mother had done all that she could to tame it for the special occasion, but it had been useless. She remembered similar battles with Heero’s hair. His blue eyes were shimmering with joy in the photograph, reminding her of Heero’s when Duo’s doctor had told him that his best friend was going to live.  
          Name suddenly felt the loss of her husband very acutely, her eyes prickling with tears and she tried very hard not to let them fall, but stopping them was as impossible as straightening her son’s hair. She covered her face with her hands, even in the privacy of her room, she couldn’t cry openly.  
          “Oh, Alex,” she murmured to the painfully empty room and too-large bed, “What would you think of this mess?”  
          Patches, who had been napping in her cat bed in the corner by the vent, roused at the sound of Name softly crying. The pregnant cat waddled over to her and rubbed her head against the Japanese woman’s leg, purring in a desperate attempt to comfort. Name looked down at her with wide eyes and managed to smile as blue eyes looked back at her.  
          “Myew?” Patches almost seemed to be asking if she was alright.  
          “Oh, you silly little thing,” she said affectionately, picking Patches up very carefully and putting her on her lap, stroking her ears, “I’ll be fine,” she assured the cat, not feeling stupid by doing it.  
          “Between my son and your daddy, I don’t know who’s giving me the bigger ulcer,” she confessed. Patches purred again and closed her eyes happily. Name wondered what Alexei would think about this. She had no doubt that he would be angry about Relena and Sylvia, which made her feel better. She was also positive that Alex would have adored Duo just as much as she did. He would have backed her decision to take him in without alerting the police. She wished, for Duo’s sake at least, that Alexei was still alive. A positive father figure would do the boy a world of good, but right now, she was the closest thing that he had for a parent and that was more than just a little bit daunting. It was hard enough raising Heero with his problems, let alone Duo who needed more care and affection than a normal child. She sighed again.  
          “Well, enough moping for today. I still have a little bit of cleaning to do,” she told Patches, who had fallen back to sleep. Name chuckled. She hated to admit it, but the Calico was quickly growing on her, just like her ‘master’. She hadn’t wanted to accept Duo, either, at first, but when he had looked at her with those big violet eyes, filled with terrible age, fear, and caution, he had wormed his way into her heart, whether or not she had realized it at first.  
          She put Patches back into her bed and walked to the kitchen to find Quatre there, looking confused and a little bit worried, brightening a little when he saw her.  
          “Name, have you seen Duo?” he asked. Her brow furrowed in confusion, mirroring Quatre’s own expression.  
          “I thought he was upstairs with you?”   
          Quatre blushed a little at the accusation.  
          “Well, he _was_ ,” he confessed, “but when we heard someone knock, he went down here to see who it was. When he didn’t come back up, I came down to look for him, but Trowa and I can’t seem to find him anywhere.”  
          Name paled as she quickly put two and two together. Duo had probably heard what she and Noventa had been talking about. A normal person wouldn’t have jumped to conclusions, they would be a little shocked, maybe hurt by the secrecy, but they would have confronted her about it. However, Duo was not normal by any means, everything he had, his welfare, his future, was riding on her and Heero, not to mention that he was emotionally unstable at the _best_ of times…  
          “Fuck!” she swore, making Quatre flinch, the fear in her eyes spreading to the blonde’s heart, though he wasn’t entirely sure why yet.  
          “Why fuck?” Trowa asked as he entered the kitchen.   
          “Name, who was here?” Quatre asked, paranoia accenting his tone.   
          “Charles Noventa,” Name managed to spit out even as she was taking her cell phone out of her pocket and dialing Duo’s phone number. Quatre and Trowa watched with bated breath as she closed the phone hard enough to almost break it.  
          “His phone’s off,” she snapped in irritation.  
          “What is going on?” Trowa demanded.  
          “Noventa came to talk to me about Heero’s engagement to Sylvia. I turned him down and he stormed out. Now you two tell me that you can’t find Duo…”  
          “Shit,” Trowa’s hands clenched, “You think he overheard?”   
          “But even if he did hear that, you turned him down, so…” Quatre tried to reason, but his eyes were wide as he put the pieces together.  
          “This is Duo we’re talking about,” Name said bitterly “I doubt he stuck around long enough to hear the rest of it.”  
          She grabbed a pad of large sticky notes from one of the drawers.  
          “Are you sure he’s not here?” she asked quickly as she wrote a hasty note to Heero. It was more out of habit as she had every intention of calling Heero once she had some confirmation on her fears.  
          Trowa nodded.  
          “Unless he’s found himself a damn good hiding place, he’s gone,” he said with only a tiny bit of sarcasm. Name dug her car keys out of her pocket.  
          “We’re going,” she ordered, heading for the door leading to the garage.  
          “Uh, and where is it that we’re going?” Quatre asked nervously, even as he and his boyfriend followed her.  
          “When I figure that out you’ll be the first one I tell,” Name snapped.  
  
End Part 1


	22. Surgery Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang tries to find where Duo ran off to, but even if they do find him, can they convince him to go back to the place where he feels like he doesn't belong?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 2  
  
    Duo made it five blocks before he realized that Toby was following him. It would quickly be dark out in a few hours and there was, thankfully, no one on the street except for him and the cat. He didn’t want to talk to anyone or deal with people, he just wanted to find a place that he knew, a place that he belonged. It was impossible, but he was panicking. He felt so lost, with nowhere to turn. The threat of walking around aimlessly in the dark was in the back of his mind, pushed back because he simply didn’t care. There was a part of him that desperately wanted to find Heero, the instinct to run to him whenever he was in trouble was so deeply ingrained, but how could he when Heero was the reason why he was running away?  
          When Duo realized that his cat was stalking him, his first idea was to simply keep walking, that Toby would get tired of following him and run back to the house, but realized that Toby was just as stubborn as he was and stopped and turned to look at the tom. He wondered how Toby had gotten out of the house, but thinking of his home hurt. His home… that’s what it was, he felt that more deeply than anything else, had felt that long before he had started living there, so _why_ was he running away? But, his chest hurt and he felt like, the further he ran, the better he could escape that pain. He had been trying to live in denial, believing that everything was going to be alright, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t _ever_ going to be ok, not for him. It wasn’t Heero’s engagement, he was sure that Name wasn’t going to force him into it and Heero wouldn’t go through with it, it was the intensity of his feelings for him best friend, but knowing nothing would ever change. He loved Heero so much, it made his body burn just to think of him. It was his fear of losing him, of losing all of the good things he now had, a constant threat hanging over his head simply based on what had happened to him in the past when he had tried to dream. He felt like he was constantly teetering on the edges of his old and new life as he tried to forget the pains of his past even as they constantly intruded on his present. He had nowhere that he belonged. The Yuy house was his home, but at least in the past, he had felt like he had had nothing to lose. Now, there was so much and if he lost it, he didn’t want to keep going. Now that he knew how wonderful life could be, he couldn’t go back to how things were. He was afraid, more than he had ever been in his whole life, because things mattered now and it was like no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t keep a good grip on them. It was too much, he felt overwhelmed. He reasoned that he had to get away, just for a little while, but he already felt lonely and lost away from his family. Toby didn’t deserve this, he thought. Just because he was such a fuck-up that he couldn’t be happy when good things were staring him in the face, that didn’t mean that Toby had to suffer for his stupidity. His cats were safe, they had a good home and didn’t have any of this stupid emotional baggage bringing them down.  
          “Go home!” he snapped at the Javanese, “Go on, scat!”  
          Duo’s voice was sharp, loud, and commanding in the still evening, but the cat only gave him a sharp, “no way in hell” look. The tawny cat defiantly strode up to him and rubbed his head against Duo’s leg. Duo kneeled down to look Toby in the eye and scratched his head.  
          “Don’t you get it?” he murmured, “I’m no good. You shouldn’t be following me around like this.”  
          Toby’s response was to briefly put his large paw on the boy’s cheek and let out a gruff purr. Duo sighed and stood.  
          “Fine, you stupid cat,” he said affectionately. As he continued to walk, Toby walked by his side.  
            
   
   
   
          “What do you mean he’s gone?!” Heero screamed into his cell phone as he sat in the waiting room at the car dealership, “How the hell could he be gone?! He has nowhere to go to!”   
          The only other people in the waiting room were a husband and wife and their two young children. The adults watched him nervously, the wife ushering the children out of the room as her husband glared at Heero for his yelling, but Heero was ignorant to them, his anger cresting, fueled by fear.  
          “He had a life before us, Heero,” Name pointed out over the phone, “He probably has hundreds of places to hide in, he’s used to living on the streets. Just relax and try to remember if he told you about any place that he could run to.”  
          “I’m not going to fucking relax!” Heero exploded, making the other man flinch, “He never told me where he used to live, just that it was an apartment and I seriously doubt that he’s going back there! I have to go,” he snarled, slamming the phone closed and shoving it into his pocket. He slumped in the chair, covering his face with his hands, panic making his chest feel heavy. If he had been alone, he would have started to cry. Why was this happening? It was that hellish night all over again, running around looking for Duo with no idea where he could have gone. A small voice in the back of his mind pointed out that this time was different. Duo wasn’t tired or sick or hurt or even hungry. He had a cell phone and a weapon. He could just have taken a walk. He could be home at any second, but ‘could’ wasn’t comforting to him at all. Duo was out in the cold, lonely streets somewhere, all alone, with that bastard, Wes, still looking for him. That thought was enough to almost drive him insane. He wanted Duo here, now, in his arms and safe. Whatever reason Duo had for running, they would figure it out together. All that mattered was getting him home.  
          The husband sitting near Heero watched his turmoil with worry.  
          “Are you alright?” he asked cautiously. Heero glared at him with such a vehement expression that the man felt like leaving immediately. Heero felt his anger boil inside of him. He remembered Duo telling him that no one cared. Some days, he would come to school with a broken arm and no one would care. Hell no one would even _notice_. These people, they didn’t care that Duo was a wonderful person that could be hurt right now. No one cared about anyone. He and his family were the only ones who knew about Duo’s past. They were the only ones that even cared that he existed.  
          “My best friend, who has post traumatic stress disorder, has just gone missing and there’s a psychopath out there, right now, who would be very happy to get his hands on him and hurt him! How do _you_ think I feel?!” Heero snapped. The man’s eyes widened and he paled.  
          “I-I’m sorry,” he sputtered.  
          “You should be,” Heero growled, getting to his feet and storming out of the waiting room.  
  
  
    After an hour of wandering aimlessly, it seemed like Toby had taken control of their direction. Duo had considered going to the park, but realized that that was going to be the first place that Name would look for him. He hated the thought of running away from her and Heero, but that horrible feeling of alienation was still on the surface and he couldn’t bear to see them right now. When the old, abandoned apartment building loomed in the distance, Duo realized, in shock, just where Toby was trying to lead them. He was terrified of getting close to Wes’ apartment, but Toby had seemed to sense this, if a cat could sense such a thing, and their path to the ancient looking building had been comfortingly far from the hellish place. The apartments… the place he had run to, to escape Wes in order to have one last, stolen look at Heero before he died. That hadn’t happened, though, his death. He had survived. He could look at Heero whenever he wanted, or he could have before he had pulled this stunt. He felt panic burst in his chest. Heero was probably so pissed right now… His hand itched to dig out his cell phone and dial Heero’s number, but he couldn’t. It was one of his greatest fears, Heero hating him. He didn’t want to go back there. He felt like he was going crazy, not wanting to go back to the house because he was so scared and disgusted with himself, as well as feeling betrayed, but he also yearned to go back home, to feel safe. As it had gotten darker and darker, his heart had started to pound harder and harder, terrified of the dark.   
          Things got worse when he entered the courtyard. After the last time he had been here, he half-expected to see Wes here, looking him, so it was a huge relief to see that he was alone in the courtyard.  
          Toby jumped onto Duo’s shoulders as the long haired boy climbed into the same balcony he had used before. He rested against the wall and Toby settled next to him. Duo wrapped his arms around his knees. He felt like he was falling down into this deep void. He was afraid of so many things, some of them he couldn’t even name. He was going to go back home… right? He had to, sooner or later. Where else did he have to go? But… there was that alienation again. When he had been in the hospital, he had thought that he would do anything to go home with Heero, but he had been afraid then, too, terrified of the things he could have the things he wanted. At the same time that he felt that he didn’t belong with the Yuy’s, it was all that he had, all that he wanted. He loved them, and he hoped that they loved him, too, but he couldn’t let go of the half-fear, half-expectation that, one day, they would finally see him for the piece of trash that he was and throw him out on the streets. How could he go back to that fear? But… he loved them. He kept going back to that. How could he deal with these feelings when it felt like they were ripping him apart? He wanted Heero, but he was afraid of making him hate him. He was afraid that, the more time he spent with him, the more that love would grow and he might actually start to believe in those mutilated dreams of his. He curled up into a tiny ball, wedged into the corner of the balcony.   
          He had no idea what he was going to do.  
   
   
   
   
            
   
            
   
          If there was one thing that Duo was good at, it was hiding. Heero had broken probably every traffic law the state had looking for his best friend, but he and the others went home empty handed. It felt too much like that time, so long ago, all of them looking desperately for Duo, clueless and panicked. Heero felt himself reverting back to the intense fear he had felt back then, but he didn’t feel any anger towards Duo. He realized that it had to be something more than Noventa to make him run like this, but that feeling of not knowing hurt. It hurt having Duo run instead of trying to tell him or Name what was bothering him. He knew it was a part of Duo’s nature, but it still hurt. The boy he loved was out there somewhere and he _had_ to find him. He hadn’t wanted to stop looking, but Name had threatened to drag him back home by his hair if he didn’t show up.  
          When Name, Quatre, and Trowa were sitting down to dinner, Heero locked himself in his room. It felt wrong lying on his bed while his family had a hot meal, knowing that Duo was out on the street. He wouldn’t give up looking for him, not now, not ever. The tears that he had refused to shed at the dealership finally tracked down his cheeks. He had no idea what to do. He had been lucky last time, but what if, this time, he lost Duo for good? He squeezed his eyes shut. He told himself that that would never happen, but he couldn’t make himself believe it.   
          Angel and Cotton were napping peacefully on the bed, oblivious to what was going on, but glared at him in annoyance when he rolled off the bed and started to pace. His heart hammered in his chest and he felt like he couldn’t stand to be still. He should still be out there. How could he possibly sleep or eat without Duo safe? Panic was worming its way into his veins. He ached to go into Duo’s room, to tell himself that it was fine, Duo would be there, but he couldn’t even lie to himself. He felt so useless, like a bull in a pen with the power to do something, but not the ability.   
          Heero paused in his pacing as he heard something from Duo’s room, a soft scratching sound. He didn’t even think about what could be making the noise or why, he flew out of his room and flung open the door to Duo’s. Shiva looked up at him, her claws having made decent sized marks in the wood of the door. She looked disappointed at his presence and Heero knew that she had been hoping for someone else. Well, she wasn’t the only one. The cat gave him a devastatingly lost look that seemed to ask “where is he?” Heero almost started to cry again at the look and his unwillingness to answer it. He kneeled down and stroked her ears.  
          “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “but I don’t know were he is.”  
          Shiva shook off his touch and started to pace like Heero had done only minutes ago. Heero sighed and stood, knowing that only Duo’s presence was going to console her. He and Shiva were alike in that aspect. He would have chuckled at the thought of comparing himself to a cat, but it was pretty apt and he had never felt less like laughing. He took a look around Duo’s room, wondering if there was some clue to where he had gone, even if that was very unlikely. Sammy was sitting on the bed, watching Heero with the same annoyed, questioning look Shiva had given him, but didn’t move from his spot. Heero’s eyes immediately searched for Toby, but couldn’t find him. The door had been closed, but Duo’s window was open a tiny bit. It wasn’t a very hard window to open, a toddler could manage it, let alone a large, street wise tom cat.  
          Heero felt like tearing his hair out. He had heard that pets were just like their owners, but this was ridiculous. What if Duo came home and he found that Toby had run away? He would be devastated. Heero shook his head. He was delusional. What difference did it make? Duo wasn’t coming home. That thought felt like a blow to the face and he sat down on the bed heavily. Sammy wandered over him and jumped into his lap. The little cat nudged his hand, as though he was urging him to do something. Heero realized that Duo always fed them around this time and they probably knew that something was very wrong. If there was one thing that Duo was truly dedicated to, it was taking care of his animals. He stroked Sammy’s tail. He couldn’t deny Duo’s absence, even if he wanted to, it was glaringly obvious, thanks to the cats. He couldn’t ignore the problem when there were living creatures that needed to be taken care of.  
          “Don’t worry,” he assured himself just as much as the cat, “even if he never comes back, I’ll take care of you,” but his voice cracked and he laid back on the bed, cradling the comfortingly warm creature in his arms, as though it could make all the bad things go away.   
   
            
            
   
   
   
          Something was wrong. Duo and Toby had survived the night with no one coming to look for them. Duo knew that they would probably never find them up here, but there was little comfort in that knowledge. Toby only left once, presumably to catch himself some dinner, but he quickly returned. Duo had had the presence of mind to grab his jacket before he had taken off, so he didn’t feel cold at all. However, he hadn’t brought any food or water with him and he knew that he couldn’t hide in the balcony for very long without it, three days at the most. He hated this place. It was safe, yes, but he still hated it. He had a perfect view of the school and last night, he had slept fitfully with the thought of missing school. He didn’t want to miss it, but the thought of leaving his hiding place scared him. He had had seldom second chances in his life, let alone third ones and knew that Khushrenada wouldn’t be so accommodating this time around, especially when he couldn’t voice the reason why he had disappeared. But, this morning when he had watched the school for Heero’s telltale car, he only saw fire trucks and cop cars. Something bad had happened, that was obvious, but for whatever reason, he wasn’t missing classes and that was what mattered to him.  
          Being an ex-whore, Duo was more intoned with his body than most people, so he knew that something was wrong with it, even before the fatigue and cough had hit him that night. He couldn’t have described it in words, it was just a deep feeling that something wasn’t right and he didn’t know why. At first, it had bothered him, the sensation that he just wanted to go to sleep for a very long time and how raw and tight his throat felt, but eventually he fell back into his old habits; he pushed his anxiety into the back of his mind and ignored how sick he felt. It scared him how easily falling back was. Sitting on the familiar balcony, he could almost pretend that the past couple of months had never happened, that his life had never changed, and he didn’t like that. His fingers absently stroked Toby’s tail as the cat surveyed the ground below, as if he was looking for intruders. It would go away, he told himself, the sickness, the alienation, and the membrane thin barrier between his past and his present, but he couldn’t believe his own lies.  
          Duo knew that he should go out and get some food, he had his paycheck on him, so he could afford it, but he didn’t move. He felt thirsty, but he had appetite and had no desire to move from his spot. What was he doing? That question kept circling around in his head. When he had been with Wes, he would have chopped off both of his hands just for the opportunity to live with Heero, but now he was running away. He couldn’t ignore the fact that he didn’t belong there even if it was his only home. He couldn’t deny that he was never going to have a normal life, even if it was what all he had ever wanted. He closed his eyes. He felt so tired. He wanted to go back, but what was the point? He wasn’t going to change, he would always be the same broken person, no matter what Heero did. How could he face his best friend knowing that? But, he wasn’t being fair to Heero doing that. He was probably worried sick and Duo didn’t like the idea of hurting him like that just because he was a coward. He gave another soft sigh, his fatigue making it nearly impossible for him to open his eyes, so he left himself doze off.  
   
   
   
          When the sun rose on Wednesday morning, Name was seriously considering calling the police, even though she knew that she couldn’t if the police did find Duo, they would never see him again, he would be shipped off to an orphanage, or worse, witness protection would relocate him. Duo had probably seen a lot of terrible crimes done by Wes and if the police knew that, they would be salivating to get their hands on him. She couldn’t do that to him or Heero. Still, he had been gone for two days now and everyone was becoming frantic. The longer he was gone, the harder it was going to be to locate him. She didn’t know if he was holed up or on the move, she didn’t even know what she was going to say to him if they _did_ find him. She was pissed because of her fear, but she was mostly worried for his safety and wanted him home more than any desire to yell at him. Heero was just like he had been the first time Duo had gone missing, minus the righteous anger, but what he was missing in fury, he was making up for in pure anxiety. It wasn’t a very pleasant thing to watch. When they were on the search, he was focused, driven, and determined to the point of obsession. She wanted to tell him to slow down and relax, but knew that it was just going to be a waste of breath. She had never seen her son care about something this much and wasn’t sure if it was endearing or dangerous. What was worse was when they had given up for the night, he had started to pace wildly, reminding her of a caged wolf, then had locked himself in his room for the rest of the night, skipping dinner. Only knowing that she had forced him to eat breakfast and lunch had kept her from shoving dinner down his throat. She didn’t know what was worse, Duo running away, or Heero’s reaction to it.   
          As he, Name, and Trowa sat in the family room, watching the news, Quatre found himself continuously looking back towards the stairs as if his worried gaze could summon Heero down them. He was deeply concerned for his best friend. Heero could fool himself if he wanted, but he couldn’t fool him or Trowa, they knew him too well and Quatre knew that Heero’s feelings for Duo were much deeper than friendship. It wasn’t that hard to see. Heero was usually a somewhat closed off, cautious person, but with Duo, all his feelings were raw and on the surface. He couldn’t remember ever seeing him scared, even as a child, without Duo involved. He tried to think back and remember if Heero had ever shown an interest in boys before, but he couldn’t think of any such incident. He did remember Heero telling him how much Relena trying to have sex with him bothered him and that just the thought of it felt wrong to him, but Quatre wasn’t sure if it was because Relena was a girl or had been his friend. He also wasn’t sure if Duo was the first boy Heero had fallen for, but if he was, he was taking it rather well. Heero seemed to be well aware of his emotions, though he refused to speak of them out loud, and wasn’t doing anything extreme to test, or deny, his sexuality. Quatre remembered his own experiences with his sexuality, though it hurt to think back on those uncertain times in his life. Trowa was the only person, boy or girl, that he had ever fallen in love with, but his feelings for him had been too powerful to ignore, but he had still tried to deny them out of fear of his family. He had tried to date girls, but that attempt had only lasted a month, ending with him surrendering and asking Trowa out on a date. The difference between those random girls and his friend had been too obvious for him to deny and they had been together ever since. Thinking back to those early moments in their relationship made Quatre smile. He tried to imagine how he would react if Trowa ran away like Duo had, but it hurt too much to think about that. Still, it worried him, how Heero was taking Duo’s disappearance and the pain that he _wasn’t_ showing them.  
          But, even more than he was afraid for Heero, he was afraid for Duo. He wasn’t worried about him surviving or finding shelter, his new found friend knew all about how to survive on the streets, he had been living long before he had lived here, so he was sure he was fine. The one thing he was worried about was Wes. If he found Duo… Trowa looked over at his lover as he shuddered.  
          If Wes found Duo, it wouldn’t matter if they found him or not. Duo already had enough problems, adding Wes to all of it would probably be the last straw. He didn’t even know what the man would do if he got his hands on Duo. If he thought that he could get away scott free, he would probably move away and make Duo whore himself somewhere else. That made Quatre’s chest hurt, the thought of Duo somewhere were they couldn’t help him, back in that terrible life. Or, the man would think that Duo was too much trouble to keep alive and kill him. He hoped that, since Duo had been gone for so long and they hadn’t gone to the police yet, Wes would leave Duo alone, but even he wasn’t that optimistic. Duo’s absence at breakfast had been a very physical, painful thing, but Quatre felt lost. He had been brought up to always have a plan and now that he didn’t have one, he had no idea what to do.  
          “I’m going to go look some more,” Trowa said, standing up, “I suggest that you two do the same, I’ll grab Heero.”  
          Name looked up at him with a tired expression.  
          “Where exactly will you go, Trowa? We’ve covered all the places we could think of that he would be comfortable hiding in. I’m not saying to give up, but do you have any sort of plan?”  
          Trowa narrowed his eyes at her slightly.  
          “You may think that he has a chance of survival out there, but you’re wrong,” Trowa said sharply. Quatre and Name gave him quizzical looks.  
          “Heero needs some fresh air, so I’m going to take him out for some breakfast and check the town soup kitchen. Then we’ll split up. I’ll go on foot. The _plan_ is to look in every inch of town, every crack and crevice until we find him. Giving up isn’t an option,” he tossed Name a bottle of pills from his pocket.  
          “If you find Duo, he’s going to need those,” he told her, “I have some in my pocket and I’ll give Heero a few, too. It’s only been two days, but without the drugs _or_ his spleen, I’m not taking any chances.”  
          Name’s eyes widened.  
          “Oh, fuck,” she swore, her voice tight with emotion, “his medicine, I forgot…”  
          “Like I said,” Trowa said in a soft voice, “he can’t survive on his own, no matter how strong he is.”  
   
   
   
   
          Duo awoke blearily as the sun shone in his eyes, but squeezed them shut again as the bright light made his head pound. He stifled a cough and curled up tighter, his throat was so raw it hurt to cough or swallow. He needed water, but he was tired, he just needed a little more sleep, then he could go down and buy something to drink.  
          “Nrawr,” Toby made a gruff sound as he rubbed his head against Duo’s neck, as though he was urging him to stay awake. Duo opened his eyes again, but only halfway.  
          “I’ll be fine,” he assured him in a raspy voice, “I know I’ve been sleeping too much, but it’ll pass. I… I don’t think I should have run away,” he admitted out loud, “I mean, it’s not like I can _live_ up here. I have to go back to work and school, but I can’t go back home. Heero can’t ever know how I feel about him, but if I stay there, I… I can’t hide it anymore, it hurts too much, but I can’t just… fall _out_ of love with him,” it hurt to talk, but the words spilled out of him anyway. It wasn’t the first time that he had confided in Toby and it always made him feel better.  
          “I don’t belong there,” he murmured, “I don’t belong anywhere.”  
          Toby watched as the boy fell asleep again. The cat started to pace in worry and agitation. He knew that something was wrong with his owner. He hadn’t consumed anything in days and Toby knew that Duo wouldn’t appreciate the mice and birds that he had managed to survive on. He also knew that he had to find another human, someone who knew what was wrong with his human, but he was unsure about leaving the boy alone. He paced some more. The blue eyed human that Duo hung out with would know what to do, but he was too far away. The cat looked up at Duo, taking in his flushed face and deep breathing, and made his decision. As carefully as a cat could, he descended the iron ladder and left the balcony.  
   
   
   
   
          The soup kitchen turned out to be a bust, but Trowa wasn’t surprised about that. Heero became more and more agitated with every failed location that they visited and Trowa knew that it wouldn’t be long before his friend snapped from the pressure. He felt guilty about telling Heero about Duo’s medication as Heero’s level of stress had sky rocketed since then. However, the clock was ticking and Trowa knew that they had to find Duo fast, unless Wes had found him already. If that was the case, it wouldn’t matter what Wes did to him, without his medication, Duo could get very sick and would probably die, especially if he caught pneumonia. Surprisingly, the news of Duo’s probable death sentence had seemed to shock Heero into eating, as though the Japanese boy realized that his best friend’s welfare now depended on his own health.  
          “Where will you go?” Trowa asked Heero as he got into his car. Heero had agreed to the logic of them splitting up. The both of them were armed with a back pack filled with water, food, and Duo’s medication, plus their cell phones, so splitting up wasn’t a bad idea.  
          “I’m going to drive around for a few hours,” Heero replied, looking lost, “I’ll see if I can spot him or if anyone can remember seeing him. What about you?”   
          “I’ll head back to the school,” Trowa said, “Now that it’s closed for the week, he might have gone back there. I know that we’ve already looked there, but it’s the most likely place for him to be hiding in.”  
          Heero nodded and paused, rolling something around in his mind.  
          “Trowa… thank you. This means a lot to me, you and Quatre, working so hard…” Heero’s voice was tight and strained as he forced himself not to show all of the emotions he was feeling. Trowa nodded.  
          “Duo’s my friend, too. Besides, I know how much he means to you.”  
          Both Heero and Trowa knew exactly what he meant, but neither of them said anything further. Heero simply closed the car door and drove off Trowa watched him go, then started to walk in the other direction.  
   
   
   
   
          The school was already in sight when Trowa spotted it. He hadn’t been paying attention to where he was walking, simply looking off to the side, into alley ways, just in case he saw _something_ , so it was a lucky thing that he had suddenly looked back onto the street or he would have eventually walked right into it. Several feet from him, sitting in front of a huge iron fence that led to some old, abandoned apartments, was a big, tawny, Javanese cat, looking around frantically as though it was waiting for someone.  
          “No fucking way, it _can’t_ be!” Trowa muttered to himself, but the familiar brown collar around the feline’s neck eliminated most of his doubts.   
          “Toby!” he called.  
          Trowa’s heart stopped when the cat’s ears perked and it bounded over to him. The silver tag fastened to the cat’s collar made his heart pound wildly.  
          “Oh, God, Toby,” he almost cried, wrapped his arms around the feline’s warm body. Toby purred and rubbed against him, but then suddenly wiggled out of his arms and bit his leg. Trowa winced as his teeth pierced through his jeans and scratched his leg slightly, but focused immediately on how the large cat was tugging at his jeans, trying to drag him forward.  
          “Toby, where is he?” Trowa demanded excitedly, feeling like his chest was going to explode as Toby let go of his jeans and ran through the iron gate.  
   
   
   
   
   
          “Duo… Duo… You have to wake up… please wake up,” a familiar voice broke through the fog surrounding Duo’s consciousness. He struggled to open his eyes, but he felt so heavy, it was difficult. When he managed to open them, he was looking into familiar green eyes and he panicked. His sleepy brain tried to jump start as he was positive that it was Chris that had found him. He struck out blindly, trying to get away, but a strong hand grabbed his wrist and kept him from thrashing.   
          “Duo, it’s ok! It’s Trowa, alright?”   
          With those softly spoken but scared sounding words, Duo’s world came back to him. He recognized the balcony and Trowa’s handsome face, but he had a hard time connecting the two things together.  
          “Trowa?” he murmured. Was he dreaming? He hadn’t been dreaming before, but he knew that he had been sleeping too long again. How had Trowa found him? But he looked happy, not angry.  
          Trowa let go of Duo’s wrist in relief and watched as he sagged against the wall. The longhaired boy looked exhausted, but not too bad off and he felt himself relax.     
          “You had all of us worried sick!” he blurted out, “Are you alright?”  
          Duo nodded, smiling slightly as Toby crawled back into his lap and lay down. Trowa couldn’t stop looking at him, amazed that he had actually found him it didn’t seem real…  
          “How did you find me?” Duo asked with wide eyes, the fog around his brain losing its grip on him.   
          “You can thank Toby for that,” Trowa said with a gentle smile, “he found me and led me to you, though,” he took a look around the balcony, “If I had to run and hide, I would chose a place just like this.”  
          Duo scratched the top of Toby’s head. He had never thought that this would happen. Despite his fear of being dragged back home and yelled at, he was glad to see Trowa and wanted very badly to confide in him all of the things that had been bothering him lately. Trowa was so kind and gentle and, best of all, he knew how to listen without bias or judgment. He blinked in confusion as Trowa wrapped his coat around his more slender shoulders, putting a bottle of water in one of his hands, and dropping two pills in the other. He stared down at the familiar pills dumbly as though he had never seen them before.   
          “Take them, Duo,” Trowa said flatly. Duo automatically did as he was told, but almost moaned in pleasure when he took his first sip of the water. It was beyond heavenly, the cool water sliding down his dry throat and the sip quickly turned into a gulp until the bottle was empty. With a worried look, Trowa handed him another bottle from his pack and watched as his friend slowed down enough to just sip at the bottle. He felt most of his remaining anxiety fade when he watched Duo swallow hi pills. Duo noticed Trowa watching him and blushed.  
          “I’m sorry I worried everyone.”  
          Trowa nodded.  
          “I know that you didn’t mean to,” he assured him, “but we love you, so it’s only natural for us to worry when you disappear like that.”   
          Duo ran a shaky hand through his mussed bangs, feeling mostly better and more focused with fresh water in his body. Hearing those words, “we love you,” made him feel deliriously happy and guilty at the same time. He shouldn’t have run away, he knew that now, but there was something holding him back from admitting it to Trowa. He wasn’t sure if he should go back, it seemed wrong somehow with so many of his doubts and fears still there, even if it did make him feel safe.  
          “I’m sorry,” he said again, “I worried all of you over nothing and Mr. Khushrenada is probably pissed at me.”  
          Trowa patted his knee.   
          “Don’t worry. Khushrenada got word of a bomb threat Monday, so he had no choice but to close the school for the week while the cops investigate it. You’re safe,” the green eyed boy assured him.  
          Duo breathed in relief, feeling some of the tightness in his chest dissipate, but the reason why the school was closed shocked him.  
          “There was a bomb?” he asked with wide eyes. Right away, his thoughts went to Wes and Chris, but he tried to stop thinking that way. He was being egotistical and he hated thinking like that. He knew that not everything bad that happened had to do with him, but his mind drifted to those thoughts anyway.  
          Trowa snorted.  
          “Every school has bomb threats. It’s probably just some dumb kid goofing off,” he pointed out. They all jumped, even Toby who had been resting his head on Duo’s leg, when Trowa’s cell phone rang. Trowa whipped the phone out of his bag and opened it.   
          “What is it?” Duo asked as Trowa read the text message and frowned.  
          “Heero,” Trowa answered, “he wants to know if I’ve found anything.”  
          Duo almost snorted at that, Trowa had definitely found something, but he blushed beet red, instead, at the mention of his best friend. He was still looking for him, despite how stupid he was acting. That fact made his guilt rear up and bit him like a voracious, hungry beast. He immediately noticed that Trowa wasn’t answering Heero’s text and felt hope blossom in his chest. It was a stupid feeling, but he didn’t want Trowa bringing Heero here. The next time he saw Heero, he wanted it to be on _his_ terms.  
          “Do you want me to call him?” Trowa asked in a soft, kind voice. Duo looked over at him with a shocked expression.  
          “You’re not going to answer him?” he asked.  
          “If you don’t want me to, I won’t.”  
          Duo mulled that over for a few seconds. He hadn’t thought that Trowa would give him a choice. He shook his head.  
          “I’m not ready to talk to him,” he admitted softly, ashamed of himself, but Trowa closed the phone and put it away.  
          “I get it,” Trowa said, “and Heero doesn’t have to know anything if you don’t want him to.”  
          Duo relaxed at Trowa’s words. Out of the five of them, including Wufei, Trowa was easily the most down to earth. He didn’t think that Heero would have understood, or accepted, his decision if their place had been reversed. Duo was once again struck with the urge to tell Trowa what was wrong. It was too difficult talking to Heero about those things, but Trowa was different, he knew when to accept things the way that they were and he understood things that people like Quatre and Heero didn’t.  
          “You know, I doubt that you had us worried over nothing,” Trowa pointed out, solidifying Duo’s need to let out what had been bothering him for so long, “There was a good reason why you ran away, isn’t there?”  
          Duo nodded, unsure at first.  
          “I overheard Name and Noventa talking about Heero getting married,” Duo started. Trowa sighed.  
          “He’s not getting married,” he explained in an annoyed tone, “Name isn’t going to let that happen and Heero has no desire to marry Sylvia.”  
          Despite all of the times over the past forty-eight hours Duo had told himself that it wasn’t Heero’s marriage that had caused him to run away, knowing that it wasn’t going to happen made him want to cry in relief.  
          “I think that I knew that he wasn’t _really_ going to be married,” he murmured, “but it still hurt… a lot. I mean, Heero always told me that he would never abandon me, but he has this entire other life that I barely know exists. It’s so frustrating, I never know if he’s going to leave or why. He never told me about Relena or Sylvia. You have no idea how much that hurts!” Toby’s ears stood up straight and he watched Duo protectively as his voice started to rise in distress, “Not that he doesn’t trust me, I wouldn’t trust me, either, but I told him all that awful, embarrassing crap and he can’t tell me about some aborted marriages in his past? When he told me about what had happened to his father, I had thought he would open up a little, but he’s _still_ hiding all these things from me. He saved my life, I’d do anything for him, but he doesn’t feel the same way. How can I deal with our friendship when I don’t even know where he stands?” Duo asked dejectedly.  
          “Duo…” Trowa looked at the depressed boy in alarm. He had had no idea that Duo felt that way about his and Heero’s friendship, but, really, he wasn’t too surprised. In Duo’s situation, he _had_ felt the same way, but Quatre was much more open than Heero. He wondered how Heero would react if he learned how his closed off attitude was hurting the boy he loved.  
          “Heero cares about you a lot,” Trowa tried to comfort him, “Don’t ever doubt that. There are still things Quatre and I don’t know about him. After his father died, Heero refused to talk about him. That he told you what happened back then is a very good sign. He’s very closed off. You kept your secrets for a long time, too. It was only because you were sick and already caught in one of your lies that you told anyone. Heero’s the same way. I understand that it hurts, but it’s not because he doesn’t care. He does feel the same way about you, he just has problems showing that.   
          Duo wrapped his arms around his bent legs. He couldn’t deny that Trowa’s words made him feel better, but he wished that he could hear those things from Heero.  
          “He may care about me, but it feels like all these people and things don’t want me to be with him. How can I fight against that? I don’t belong there, not in that house with people like Quatre and Heero. You may say that I’m a good person, but that doesn’t mean a damn thing! I feel like an alien with all those good things. I always wanted a family, I just want this one, small thing, but I can’t have that because I don’t deserve it and I feel like I’m not destined to have it. I just feel so small and useless, every time I’m reminded who Name and Heero are. It certainly doesn’t help me feel better when they’re hiding things from me! Just once, I’d like someone to _trust_. I thought that would be Name and Heero. My whole life, people have been lying to me and using me, I never thought that Heero would lie to me, too, and I _know_ how dumb that sounds. I’ve been lying to him since the moment we met, but it won’t stop hurting. I don’t deserve to be in their lives, but I _want_ to be. Am I so unimportant that they can’t tell me about these things?   
          “The sad thing is, it wasn’t the lies or feeling alienated that made me run. If you or Quatre had done it, it would have hurt, but I could have handled it. It was because it was Heero that made it hurt so fucking much. He always makes it hurt more than anyone else. Wes was the same way. If it was someone else that hit me or raped me, it wouldn’t hurt so bad, but, for some reason, because it was _him_ , it was so much worse. Heero’s exactly the same way, though I can’t figure out why.”  
          Trowa’s heart felt heavy with Duo’s explanation of why he had run, and he was starting to understand the answer to Duo’s own question of ‘why’, but he didn’t voice his suspicions out loud. It would be a wonderful thing, though, if he was right.  
          “I know I shouldn’t feel this way over something so stupid, but I couldn’t figure out how to make my chest stop hurting. All I could think about was what I was doing in that beautiful house with those beautiful people. I always thought that I knew who I was. It wasn’t such a hard thing to know. I had been born and raised on the streets. I was an orphan, a beggar, a thief, and a whore, those are things I’ve always known and understood, but now I’m worrying about things like getting a job and finishing my homework on time… that isn’t who I am! Why am I worrying about those things? I’ve always hated myself, but it was what I knew. I feel like I’m losing who I was and that terrifies me. I hated that person and I should be glad that I’m finally putting all of that behind me, but I’m just so scared. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere, not back on the streets, I can’t survive out there again now that I know how good things can be, but I don’t belong with the Yuy’s, either, I feel too dirty, too misplaced, I thought that no one would ever care about me, that I’d die, forgotten and lost, but Heero’s different. Even after I hurt him, he never forgot about me, even out of spite. I don’t deserve to be his best friend. I mean, why me? There are millions of people in the world he could have taken off the streets and into his home, why _me_? All I wanted was to accept the good tings that had happened to me, but I kept thinking of those things, and I felt so overwhelmed, I _had_ to run. I’m never going to be normal, I can never be the person Heero wants me to be and he has to accept that. How can we continue to be best friends if we don’t understand each other? I want to be who he wants, who he needs, but it’s impossible, it’s just too hard,” Duo’s voice cracked with emotion, but he refused to cry, “How can I possibly go back home when I’m exactly the same?”  
Trowa was stunned into silence, overwhelmed by the enormity of Duo’s problems. There was nothing simply about the longhaired boy and he wasn’t sure how to comfort him. Not for the first time, he wished that Quatre was there. It was so easy for his lover to talk and empathize with people, but the problem for Trowa now, ironically, was that he empathized with Duo too much. It was extremely difficult seeing his friend in so much pain and he felt too awkward to find the words to make Duo come back home. They lapsed into a strange silence, Duo having run out of words and Trowa struggling to find his own.   
“I think you just answered your own question. Nobody wants you to change, you’re fine the way you are now, even if that’s hard for you to believe. You can _always_ go back home. It’s probably not much consolation, but when Quatre and I first started to date, I felt pretty alone. There was so much I didn’t know about him,” Trowa finally spoke, “I was scared that he would never open up to me and we would always be in the dark with each other. Quatre’s not as closed off as Heero, but it still took us years for us to get on equal footing. I was very patient with him, and him with me. We loved each other, but we were still scared to trust each other. Over the year I learned that Quatre was embarrassed about a lot of things in his past, just as much as I was. Heero’s probably the same way. He’s the sort of person that doesn’t even think of his past as important, holding it close to himself because he doesn’t think anyone needs to know about it. Heero does trust you. His keeping silent about Relena and Sylvia has nothing to do with trust. He trusted you with the story of his father, but, and trust _me_ on this, he’s ashamed and disgusted about his relationship with Relena. He wasn’t keeping it a secret, he just didn’t feel it was something you needed to know. He thought that he would never have to see her again, but when she showed up, he told you the truth, didn’t he?”   
Duo paused, thinking about it, and nodded. Heero had been so embarrassed over what Relena had done back then, but he had told him about their past instantly, he had never refused to tell him or lied to him.  
        “You’re right,” Trowa continued, “we _don’t_ belong in that house, neither of us. The Winner’s and the Yuy’s are the most powerful families on the planet. Compared to them, an orphaned whore and an ex-circus performer are lower than dirt. We don’t belong there, but we’ll stay there, because it makes _them_ happy. I belong with Quatre because he’s in love with me and if I left, he would be in so much pain. Quatre belongs among _good_ things and I belong with him. It’s the same exact way with you and Heero. You don’t belong in that house because it’s not how you’ve lived your life until now. Just because you don’t belong there doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be happy. Heero needs good, loyal friends and you’re that for him. You say that you can’t trust him or Name, but that’s not true. You may not be able to trust them to tell you the truth all the time, but you can trust them to love you and keep you safe. You’re not unimportant. You’re the most important thing in Heero’s life! If you needed him to, he would drop out of school and run away from his family! He cares about you and doesn’t want to see you hurt. He didn’t see Sylvia as important, so he didn’t bother you with it. When you disappeared, he almost lost his sanity. Even when he was pissed at you, he couldn’t sleep because he was so worried. How can you say that you’re not important? But, you have every reason to feel so bad about all of this. Heero’s as important to you as you are to him. I know you’re terrified of losing him and he’s scared of losing you, too. It’s not stupid to be afraid for something or someone you love. You have a good reason to be afraid of losing yourself, too. Even if it makes you feel like shit, you are who you are. It’s what you understand. You don’t have to change. Heero doesn’t want you to change. I know it doesn’t seem that way, but it’s true. You _are_ who Heero wants and needs. He wants you healed, but he knows that you’ll always be who you grew up to be.”  
          The two boys fell into silence again, Duo absorbing Trowa’s words. It felt good knowing that at least _someone_ didn’t think he was an idiot for feeling like he did. It also felt comforting that Trowa had had similar issues with Quatre. He struggled not to blush at the comparison between his friendship with Heero to Trowa’s romantic relationship with Quatre. Equal footing… he didn’t think he would ever get there with Heero, though it was something that he wanted to fight for. The thought of Heero being just as embarrassed of his past as he was of his was strange to him. He couldn’t see how Heero could feel that way considering the family he had been born into, but he understood how painful his dead friendship with Relena was for Heero.   
          Duo felt an intense relief settle inside of him hearing that Heero trusted him and his fears about him keeping things from him on purpose were unfounded. He had been so worried about Heero trusting _him_ , he had ended up losing trust in Heero and that made him feel sick. He _did_ trust Heero to do the right thing, but his own distrust of himself made it hard to believe that someone else trusted him. He relieved that Trowa was right about his feelings of alienation. He wanted to protest that Trowa belonged there, it was just himself that didn’t, but he realized what a double standard that was, not to mention he couldn’t describe _why_ he felt like Trowa belonged there and he didn’t without sounding egotistical and judgmental. He knew that Trowa was right, Heero needed him and he couldn’t hurt Heero because he was having doubts. He still couldn’t figure out why Heero had specifically chosen _him_ to fill that need, but he had. Duo knew he wouldn’t last very long without Heero anyway. He was stubborn and he could probably fall back on his old survival habits, but emotionally and mentally, he really didn’t want to live in the lonely cold anymore, bereft of Heero’s affection, safety, and, most of all, promises and forgiveness. He felt dirty and strange living with him, but even amongst those dark feelings and doubts, his presence there had made both of them happy, and that was so much better than the two of them being lonely again. He remembered all the nightmares, all the panic attacks, and how Name and Heero had been there for him. It made him sick, the thought of being away from them. Heero thought he belonged there and that was all that should matter to him. He knew that he could trust his best friend with what was important. It was his own selfish feelings that made him think he _needed_ to know everything about him, but that wasn’t true. Heero made him feel safe and wanted and Duo knew that Heero would never take that away from him. He could see Heero lying to keep that trust, not to take it away, but how could Heero want him to stay the way that he was? He knew that Heero didn’t want to see him hurt, but how could he ever know, ever understand, how he felt about his past? No one did and that scared him. He could tell Heero and Name what happened to him, but they could never possibly understand how deep those things had burrowed inside his soul, that they were there to stay. His hands curled into tight fists.  
          “They have no idea how I feel,” he snapped angrily, “You’re right, even if I hate myself, I am who I am and I’m _not_ going to change. Heero might accept it, but how can he when he doesn’t get what that means?! He thinks that one day, I’ll be ‘healed’ and I’ll be able to be normal. He thinks that, one day, I can shake hands with a stranger and not be scared, that the nightmares will, eventually, go away, but that’s not going to happen! He thinks that, just because I’m going to school and I have a job, that means that I’m getting better. He doesn’t get that every second I’m there, watching other kids worry about dating or telling customers where things are I’m screaming inside. How can he ever understand that?”  
          Trowa’s green eyes seemed to darken as he thought over Duo’s words. He had never met another person like the longhaired boy and, for the first time in his life he knew exactly what he wanted to say to him, he was just scared to say it. Looking at Duo’s all-too familiar, tortured expression, he finally made up his mind.  
          “You’re right. There isn’t a single person in the world that can understand the pain you’re in. It’s your pain, your memories, Duo, even if someone says they understand, they can’t because they haven’t been where you’ve been, they haven’t seen or felt what you have. But, though I can’t understand everything you feel or think, I’m the closest you have to someone who can _empathize_ with you.”  
          Duo’s brow furrowed in confusion and he looked over at his much taller friend.  
          “What is that supposed to mean?” he asked in a soft, but wary voice. Trowa let go of a shuddering breath and swallowed roughly, staring off in the distance, not wanting to meet Duo’s expressive violet eyes just yet.   
          “After my parents died, I had been given to my sister, Catherine, but she was young, only eighteen at the time. When I was nine, child’s services decided they didn’t like the thought of a single woman raising her little brother in a circus trailer and gave me to one of my uncles. I loved my sister and I had never met the man but he was charismatic and nice to me, so I warmed up to him quickly. However, after three months, he shoved his true colors,” Duo watched in astonishment as silent tears tracked down Trowa’s cheeks, “He snuck into my room one night and raped me,” his voice cracked, “He did that every night for two years. He forbade my sister to see me and I didn’t get to see Quatre very much. I felt utterly alone, like there was no one I could talk to. He never did anything as brutal as what Wes did to you, but it was awful. He tried to get me to like it and got angry when I couldn’t. He told me it was my fault and for most of my life, I believed him.”  
          Duo intertwined his fingers with Trowa’s, his heart aching. He realized he had never been on this side of the conversation before and had a new found respect for Heero and Name. It was painful, just sitting there and listening to another spill their agony. He had always felt a deep connection to Trowa, but he had assumed it was because he wasn’t rich or powerful like Quarter and Heero, now he knew that it was something much, much deeper.  
          “What happened?” he murmured. Trowa felt a soft warmth like he had never experienced before at Duo’s hand on his. It was far from sexual, it was more like meeting a long lost brother. He squeezed back.  
          ‘That’s right,’ he thought, ‘Duo knows how I feel better than anyone else.’  
          “One day, I couldn’t take anymore. I threatened him that I would call the police if he didn’t stop touching me. He got pissed and broke my arm. He left me bleeding in my bedroom and I called 911. I told the police everything and he was arrested. I ended up back with my sister,” he paused and smiled bitterly, “I never spoke a word about what had happened, not even to Quatre,” Trowa’s forest green eyes met Duo’s, “only you, because though I know that you’ll never understand, fully, how I feel, you can empathize with me, can’t you?”  
          Duo nodded, not letting go of Trowa’s hand. He couldn’t remember when he had ever felt this way, holding hands with someone who had actually felt what he had.  
          “I’m so sorry,” he murmured, “I’d never wish that on anyone.”  
          Trowa let go of his hand to put his arm over Duo’s thin shoulders and hugged him awkwardly.  
          “You and I understand what true insanity feels like, how a simple touch from someone you had once hoped to help you can destroy your life. It took me a very long time to trust people enough to show my emotions. It took an even longer time to trust my self enough to make love to Quatre. I’m still afraid that, whatever evil was in my uncle is in me, too, and one day I’ll do something horrible to the one I love.”  
          “It’s why I could never let Heero go after Relena or Zechs,” Duo admitted, “I lived with Wes for so long… I know bits of him have probably become a part of me. I constantly live in fear that I’ll become him, loving the pain of others. I’ve tried everything to keep that from happening. It’s part of why I never fought back against Zechs. I was afraid that I would hurt him and like it. I don’t want to be that person! Sometimes, Wes would make me enjoy getting raped. I don’t know if it was the physical sensation or if there’s something… sick inside my mind that liked the pain and humiliation. I don’t _want_ to know.”  
          Trowa sighed, trying to hide his anger.  
          “You’re not Wes, Duo. It hurt, a lot, being around you, knowing what happened to you. It brought my own memories too close to the surface, but, mostly, it was because you’re too kind, too affectionate and bright. Subconsciously, I put you in my place and that made your past too real and too terrible for me. It just _isn’t fair_. My demon is locked behind bars while yours is still free. It shouldn’t be that way.”  
          Duo was silent. He still wasn’t used to people seeing him as a victim, someone who deserved to be loved and protected, instead of a wanton slut that deserved every bad thing that had happened to him. He couldn’t find the words to comfort Trowa because he had been searching for those very words to make the screaming in his own head to go away.  
          “Do you think you’ll ever tell Quatre?” he finally asked. Trowa shook his head with a soft smile.  
          “I’m not that brave,” he said, “if he knew, I don’t think I’d be able to be the rock that he needs. I need to be strong, for both of us. Maybe in the far future, I’ll have the courage, but I just can’t bear him knowing about the worst time in my life.”  
          “If it was someone I loved, I’d want to know everything about him, good and bad. I’d want to help him,” Duo pointed out. Trowa noticed Duo using ‘him’, but didn’t point it out.  
          “Like I said,” he murmured, “I’m not that strong,” Trowa looked down at Duo.  
          “Come home, Duo,” he insisted and Duo could hear the desperation in his voice. He realized that Trowa needed a friend to lean on, too, but his life still wasn’t so simple.  
          “I _can’t_ ,” Duo whispered.  
          “Why not?” Trowa demanded.  
          “I just _can’t_!” Duo insisted, his voice rising.  
          “ _Why_?” Trowa was just as stubborn as Duo and, especially after forging the new connection with his friend, he wasn’t going home unless he was with him.  
          “Because I’m in love with him, ok?!” Duo screamed. Toby jumped off of his lap at the sudden loud cry and huddled in a corner of the balcony. Duo’s eyes widened as he realized what he had done and he put his hand over his mouth to keep any more traitorous words from spilling forth He scrambled to his feet.  
          “Forget I said that,” he said quickly, preparing to run as far away as he could from his great mistake. Trowa stood, grabbing Duo’s shoulders to keep him from bolting.  
          “Duo, just _stop_ , ok?”  
          Duo struggled against him, but Trowa was too strong.  
          “You’re in love with Heero?” Trowa pressed. Duo shook with the need to repress the truth, but it was useless.  
          “Yes,” he whispered, “And so what if I do? So what if I’m a pervert just like Wes and I’m hard up for my best friend?!” he snapped harshly.  
          “You’re not a pervert for falling in love with someone,” Trowa soothed, letting go of Duo, “You’re a human being, one who’s starved for affection and normal relationships. Why do you love him?”  
          Duo whirled and Trowa flinched at the lost look in his wide eyes.  
          “How couldn’t I have fallen in love with him?” he countered, “He’s gorgeous, kind, brave, he forgives me and keeps his promises. He’s the first real friend I’ve had and he isn’t disgusted with me, despite all that I’ve done and said. He may not understand me, but he’s patient with me.”  
          Trowa smiled softly at the sudden brightness of Duo’s eyes. The boy had fallen hard for their mutual friend, but as sweet as that thought was, it sent a chill down his spine. Duo was so emotionally fragile, his feelings for Heero could either make them very, very happy, or it could lead to a complete disaster, perhaps both.  
          “But it doesn’t matter,” Duo said in a voice so broken, it made Trowa want to cry again, “He’ll never love me, how could he? I’m used goods, compared to him, I’m scum. He could have his pick of gorgeous, high-class women and men, there’s no way he’d pick me. That’s, ultimately, why I ran. I can’t live with him, day after day, knowing he’ll never look at me how I look at him. It hurt too much.”  
          Trowa bit his lip. He wanted to tell Duo about his and Quatre’s theory on how Heero felt about him, but it felt wrong to do so. He didn’t think that Duo was emotionally ready for _any_ sort of relationship and if Heero wasn’t the one to tell him, it would just cause more problems in the end. He wanted to tell him that all those gorgeous people didn’t matter to Heero. Couldn’t Duo see how gorgeous he was and how he turned Heero’s head every second they were together? He wanted to tell Duo that Heero would much rather prefer someone down to earth, smart, and modest than some rich snob, but he didn’t. He knew that if he did, Duo would want to know why he was so sure about that. Instead, he hugged Duo tightly, secretly hating himself for not being able to tell him the truth. Duo stiffened in Trowa’s arms for a few seconds, solidifying his belief that the violet-eyed boy wasn’t ready to deal with the sort of relationship Heero was looking for.  
          “I can’t promise you that coming home will make that pain better, but I can promise you that you don’t have to suffer alone. Whenever you feel that pain, you can come to me and talk about it. But, Duo, you can’t keep running away like this. It isn’t fair to us and it’s not fair to you, ok?”   
          Duo nodded hesitantly. He knew that Trowa was right, he had to go back home he just couldn’t believe he had _finally_ admitted his feelings for Heero out loud, and to one of his friends. But, Trowa wasn’t angry about it, he was accepting. He felt some long term stress leave him at the admittance  
          “If I come home, will you tell anyone… about any of this?”   
          Trowa shook his head and let go of him.  
          “You don’t want me to and it’s not my place.”  
          Duo breathed in relief. Suddenly, he realized that he had finally found someone that was glad to listen to him, but would never tell anyone.  
          “There’s something else,” he admitted. Trowa nodded.   
          “It doesn’t have anything to do with why I ran away, but what you said about being myself reminded me of it and its something that’s been bothering me for awhile now.”  
          “Whatever you have to say, I’ll listen and I won’t judge you,” Trowa assured him.  
          Toby sensed that the emotional turmoil was over and rubbed himself against Duo’s leg. Duo picked him up and let him sit on his shoulder.  
          “For awhile now, I feel like I’ve been leaving bits and pieces of myself behind. There’s these two boy that I know, Solo and Shi,” Duo caressed Toby’s tail for comfort as he spoke, “They’re whores, like I was. I met the both of them when I was younger and we’ve been looking out for each other ever since, though we never see each other very much. I haven’t spoken to them since the day Heero found me. I miss them so much and they probably think I’m dead. I hate myself for that, for making them worry, but I’ve never tried to contact them.”  
          “Why?” Trowa asked, “If it’s because of us, we won’t judge them-,”  
          “I know that,” Duo said softly, “It doesn’t have anything to do with you guys. A small part of it is I’m terrified of going to that part of town again.”  
          “I don’t blame you,” Trowa agreed, “If I were you, I wouldn’t want to go within miles of where you used to live and work. You shouldn’t have to risk your safety and mental health dealing with that. It’s too soon.”  
          “But that’s not the main reason,” Duo continued, “I haven’t contacted them because I feel so guilty. I mean, I was saved, I got out, but they haven’t, and probably never will. I’m living under a roof, get to go to school and eat with no financial worries while they’re out in the rain and cold, suffering. How can I face them, knowing that I’m better off in life and I can’t make things better for them?”  
          “I think that if they’re really your friends, they’ll just be happy that you’re alive and well,” Trowa pointed out.  
          “They will be,” Duo murmured, “and that makes me feel worse. I don’t know what to do anymore.”  
          “Well, we could always escort you down there, but you have to make a choice,” Trowa offered, “either, I can walk you to see your friends and maybe they’ll be willing to look after you, or you can come home with me. Either way, I’m not letting you walk around on your own. It’s not safe and none of us will be sleeping tonight unless we know someone has your back. If you want to go home, we can visit them whenever you feel ready to, but you have to choose.”  
          Duo nodded. How long had it been since he had last seen Solo or Shi? A few months, at least, but he couldn’t go bothering them with his problems, it wasn’t fair. Besides, Trowa had hit the nail on the head, he just wasn’t ready to go back there yet.  
          “I miss you guys,” Duo admitted. The water Trowa had given him had done wonders for his throat, but he still felt tired and hot and knew he needed food, perhaps some cold medication.  
          “I have nowhere else to go and… I want to go home,” the words burned on his tongue like something wonderful. He realized he had never used those words truthfully before.  
          Trowa smiled brightly at him.  
          “Alright, let’s go home.”   
  
End Part 2


	23. Surgery Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo returns home and confesses to Name how he feels about Heero.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 3  
  
  
    Name thought that the last time she was _this_ pissed off was the last time Duo had spoken to her about Wes. She and Quatre had returned home after getting no leads on Duo, utterly frustrated. Heero and Trowa were still out looking, so she had decided to start making dinner. She had also decided to call the cops tomorrow, no matter the consequences. She had been in the middle marinating a large piece of salmon when the doorbell had rung. Teriyaki salmon was one of Duo’s favorites. She tried to tell herself that she _wasn’t_ making it in hopes the act would, somehow, insanely, draw Duo out of hiding, that she was just making it because everyone happened to like it, but that was a lie. In all of the frantic searches for Duo, she had completely forgotten that Charles had promised to visit them in a few days, so seeing him on her doorstep had been shock. After what had happened during his last visit, she had no desire to speak or see the man again, but she hadn’t wanted a scene to play out on her front doorstep, so she had let him in. She realized now what a mistake that had been.  
          “For the last time, Charles, I never agreed to the marriage before we left England, so there is no verbal contract! Even if there was I would never honor it!”   
          “Why are you being so unreasonable?!” Noventa demanded, red in the face after twenty minutes of shouting. His throat was terribly dry and he was starting to feel very frustrated, but he refused to give in.  
          “I told you a million times,” Name snapped at him, “Heero doesn’t love Sylvia and I’m not marrying him off like some piece of property unless he wants to!”   
          “Love!” Noventa scoffed, “Whoever said _love_ had to be involved?! This is only for business. He can marry my granddaughter and have children with whatever harlot he chooses! I’m not leaving until I have your word this is going to happen!”  
          Name opened her mouth to scream at him when she heard the front door open. Her eyes widened. This couldn’t be good. It had to be Heero and Trowa and if her son caught Charles here, he was going to punch him in the face, which wouldn’t end well with any of them. Noventa caught her look and knew that she was never going to see things his way if he had to deal with her son as well, so he decided to use the interruption to his advantage.  
          “I think I need a glass of water,” he grumbled. Name nodded absently.  
          “Kitchen’s on the right,” she murmured, watching him leave. At least he had _some_ common sense, she thought, but she needed to get him out of here before Heero realized they had a visitor, if he hadn’t already.  
   
   
   
   
          Despite all his fears and anxieties, Duo thought the house was a beautiful sight. When he and Trowa entered, it was entirely silent. He waited for Heero to pop out of nowhere and start screaming at him, but when nothing happened, he sighed in relief. He turned to Trowa, who was waiting for him to make the next move.  
          “I… I think I need to talk to Name alone,” he said meekly.  
          “Are you going to tell her what happened?” Trowa asked. Duo nodded.  
          “I’ll tell her as much as I can without sounding like a crazy person,” he admitted.  
          “I’ll be up in my room, then, if you run into any trouble,” Trowa patted his shoulder.  
          “Thank you,” Duo said gratefully. It would be nice to have some back up when he confronted Name, but he needed to do it on his own. The two boys parted at the steps, Trowa hesitating a little, but he kept his word and went to his and Quatre’s room. Duo heard some soft voices coming from the living room. He hesitated for a second, took a deep breath, then walked towards it.  
   
   
   
          Name waited patiently for the door to open, but when it did, her heart felt like it was going to explode out of her chest.  
          Duo opened the door and stepped inside, looking well enough, except for the blush on his cheeks He smiled sheepishly at her and waved skittishly.  
          “Hi, Name,” he said in a quiet voice. Name had thought that, if they ever found Duo, she would be pissed and would end up screaming at him for running away, but at that moment, any urge to yell at him left her.  
          “Duo!” she practically squealed, hugging him tight enough to almost bring him off the ground.  
          “Oh, God, you’re really here!” she kissed his cheek frantically. Duo flinched at her exuberant reaction, but quickly hugged her back, happy and relieved to see her.  
          “Are you alright?” she demanded, letting go of him to scrutinize him for any injuries.  
          “I’m fine,” he assured her, “a little bit tired and hungry, but I’m ok. I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you guys…”  
          Name shook her head, struggling to contain her relieved tears.  
          “As long as you’re safe, that doesn’t matter.”  
          “But it does,” Duo insisted, “I shouldn’t have run off like that. I hurt you guys and I’m sorry. There so much I need to explain.”  
          Name calmed down and gestured to the chairs.  
          “Alright, you do owe me some sort of explanation. Let’s sit and talk,” the two of them sat down, Duo fidgeting a little.   
          “I’m not going to bite and I’m not going to yell,” she comforted him, “Just tell me what’s going on.”  
          Duo looked away from her sharp gaze. He had thought, only a few hours ago, that there would always be things he could never tell anyone, secrets that he had to hold close to his heart, just to make it thorough the day, but while talking to Trowa, he realized it was pointless keeping such secrets from his new family. He was terrified of telling Name such things. Though Trowa was a neutral party, Name wasn’t. He was only living there on her say so. If she didn’t like what he had to say, she could kick him out. He thought too highly of her to think she would do that, but it was still in her power to do so and that scared him. But, as he and Trowa had walked the long road back to the house, he had decided to tell her as much of the truth as he had Trowa She deserved to know, after everything she had done for him.  
          “I ran away because I was ashamed of myself,” he admitted, “I didn’t feel like I belonged here and I didn’t think I would ever be healed enough to be normal, like how you and Heero want me to be. I’ve been feeling that way for a very long time, but I pushed it all deep down and tried to forget those feelings were there. But, when I overheard you and that man talking about something _else_ I didn’t know, it reminded me how fragile I am and that there would always be a distance between us. I know now that it isn’t fair to be angry at you and Heero for keeping things from me. I know you’d never do anything to hurt me. Trowa and I talked for a long time and I realized that, even if I feel displaced and I can never be normal, I love all of you too much to stay away from you. So, I promise, I’m not going to run away. Even if I’m having problems, I’m just going to talk to one of you about it. I don’t want to hurt any of you again.”  
          Name gave him a sad smile.  
          “I’m glad you decided to come home. I didn’t know you were feeling that way. You should never feel ashamed or that you don’t belong, but you’re right. Because of our pasts, there will always be some distance between us. That doesn’t mean that we don’t love you, though,” she promised, “We don’t expect you to be ‘normal’, or even completely healed, but I hope that, one day, you won’t be so haunted by your past, that’s all.”  
          Duo wanted to thank her, he wanted to stop and let things be, but he knew that he couldn’t.  
          “I’m in love with Heero,” the words tumbled out, filling him with a numbing fear, “I have for a very long time. It’s because of those feelings that I ran away when he found out about Zechs and me. I didn’t drop school because I was scared of him getting me in trouble. I was scared of him hating me. What was most painful wasn’t Wes locking me in that room, it was believing that Heero was disgusted of me and would, eventually, forget that I had ever existed,” Duo dug his nails into his arms, trying to use the pain to keep his tears at bay while Name stared at him with large, shocked eyes.  
          “It hurts,” he whispered in a broken, defeated voice that set Name more on edge than his confession of loving her son, “It hurts more than anything else I’ve ever felt. Even if you’re disgusted or hate me for it, I _do_ love him. It’s not a mistake, I’d literally die, if he asked me to. I love him. But, it’s too heavy,” Duo couldn’t contain his tears anymore, wrapping his arms around his stomach defensively.  
          “He’ll never love me like that. He doesn’t even realize how devoted I am to him, how painful it was to learn about Relena and Sylvia from someone else. These feelings… they’re too heavy… I just… I want someone to take them away. It hurts too much for me to handle anymore. I _had_ to run. How can I possibly keep that a secret from him anymore?” Duo finally met Name’s eyes, his violet ones echoing his mental anguish. Name shuddered at the look, not doubting his words in the least.  
          “Oh, Duo,” she murmured sadly. She was just as ignorant as her son, she should have seen Duo’s feelings. He was usually like an open book, so how had he managed to hide this from her? She wanted to smack both herself and Heero for causing the boy even more stress by not seeing the truth. She knew that there was little she could have done before Duo had been ready to confess, but she still blamed herself for not noticing it. The problem was, Duo was so affectionate, she had been unwilling to see the difference between his feelings of friendship and those of _love_.   
          “I’m sorry,” Duo choked out. He stood, ready to flee before Name could stop him, but he paused, his eyes widening in fear. Name turned to follow his gaze and growled low in her throat.  
          Charles Noventa stood in the door way with an amused smirk on his face that made Name’s inside boil.  
          “You’ve been hiding a lot from me, Yuy,” the older man said in a superior tone, his eyes taking Duo in, inch by inch, with a look that the Japanese woman didn’t like at all.  
          “I heard rumors that you were taking in a stray mutt for charity’s sake, but I had never actually thought that you would do such a thing!” Charles continued, “I’m surprised you haven’t given this more publicity. People love these sorts of stories. But, what’s even more surprising is that your son has made acquaintances with a homosexual. He certainly doesn’t seem the type to let starry eyed fairies follow him around like mindless dogs.”  
          Duo remained frozen through Noventa’s insults. As much as they hurt, he knew that they weren’t true, not the way Noventa had spun them, and he was too scared of the two adults’ reactions of his confession to want to get involved in a shouting match between them. It had taken all of his courage to tell Name the truth and it still hadn’t been enough. He was embarrassed and angry that the strange man had heard him spill his heart out when it had only been intended for someone that he loved and trusted. He would consider himself lucky if Name still cared about him after admitting that he loved her son.   
          “Duo is not here because of _charity_ ,” Name snarled, bristling at Noventa’s comments at the expense of both her son and his best friend, “and you’re one to talk about mindless loyalty considering who you’re trying to get my son to marry!”   
          Instead of rising to her bait, Charles approached Duo, keeping him pinned with his stare.  
          “You’re right,” Charles said snidely, “a boy like Heero would never be interested in someone like you.”  
          Despite the fact that Noventa was only repeating what Duo had always believed, the words hurt at the same time that he felt furious. This man knew nothing about him and he had no right to judge his relationship with Heero. Name glared at her ex-partner, astonished that he would have the gall to say that to Duo. She stood, ready to protect him, but Noventa wasn’t finished.  
          “I understand, really, I do,” Charles said with false kindness, as though he were speaking to a child, “it’s hard for a teenage boy to know his place and to keep the line between friend and lust defined. The papers either say you’re his pet project or his best friend, but I bet it’s the latter. He listens to you, respects your opinion, doesn’t he?”  
          Duo nodded cautiously, not liking the gleam in the old man’s eyes.  
          “I’m a desperate man, Duo,” Noventa confessed as though the two of them were suddenly best friends, “And I’m not above negotiating when I have to. How about a deal? A friend of mine’s son looks an awful lot like Heero, not as tall and a bit more tan, but there is a great resemblance between them. If you can get Heero to marry my granddaughter, I can get the young man to do whatever you’d like, what do you say?”  
          Name and Duo both stared at the man in disbelief. Name had never thought he would be desperate enough to proposition someone. She could understand why Duo had feelings for her son. Compared to him, trying to understand Noventa in this situation seemed impossible. That he was suggesting Duo’s emotions could be bought away with paid dates and sex was beyond insulting and she had the sudden urge to hit the old man in the face.  
          Duo glared at Charles angrily. He couldn’t believe he had had the balls to say those things in front of Name, who looked ready to gut him. He would _never_ manipulate Heero like that, not for all the money in the world. And, after all those years letting men hurt and degrade him, how could he ever condone the propositioning of another human being, _especially_ for his sake? Beyond that, Noventa just didn’t get what he had told Name. He thought his feelings could be swayed by sex, like he was just some common pervert?  
          “Fuck you,” he snarled, making both adults look at him in shock.  
          “I don’t care if you find someone who looks _exactly_ like Heero! If it isn’t Heero, then it doesn’t matter! It has nothing to do with _sex_! _I love him_! If Heero told me, right this second, that he would fall in love with me if no sex was involved, I’d agree in a heartbeat! And I don’t care how rich or powerful you are, Heero’s my best friend, and if he says he doesn’t want to marry your granddaughter, then that’s all I need to know! So, no, I’m not going to tell Heero to take up your offer, I’m going to tell him to do whatever makes him happiest!”   
          Duo didn’t know why telling Noventa off was easier than standing up to Wes or Zechs. Maybe it was because he was a stranger or hadn’t caused him any physical harm, or maybe it was because his words had cut him so deeply and had enraged him. He didn’t know, but it felt kind of good, watching Noventa’s snide features change to shock, then anger.  
          Noventa’s hands curled into fists, his face starting to turn red again as fury boiled inside of him. Getting turned down by Name again and again had been bad enough, but being scolded by a child that wasn’t even old enough to drive yet was simply embarrassing. He grabbed Duo’s shirt, pinning him in his place and making him flinch sharply.   
          “Now, you listen to me, you little shit, and you listen _closely_ ,” he snapped, “You think a prince like Heero _Yuy_ is ever going to look at a faggot like you as anything more than an amusing toy?! You may _look_ pretty, but beauty is only skin deep. He knows what’s under that, _doesn’t he_? He knows that, underneath it all, you’re just dime a dozen street trash! You think he’ll ever _love_ you?! What’s so special about you that he would love you? Even if you were a woman, you wouldn’t stand a chance with a Yuy! All you’ll ever be is a fad, something he can throw away when he gets bored of you!” Noventa gave the boy a rough shake, taking immense pleasure in the emotional turmoil and pain in his wide eyes.  
          “Charles, that’s enough!”   
          The sound of Name’s enraged voice as she all but ran to protect her son’s friend startled Noventa enough to release Duo’s shirt. Duo shoved the taller man away from him and ran out of the room.  
   
   
   
          Duo made it halfway up the steps before he started to cry. It felt like his heart had been breaking over and over again, ever since that first moment that he had realized he had fallen in love with Heero. As ignorant as Noventa was, he was right. Heero would never see him as romantically attractive. He loved him so much, his heart burned and tore with it, but he had to sufferer in silence for the rest of his life, looking at his dream in the eyes every day and night, going insane with a need he barely understood. Silent tears tracked down his cheeks and he choked back his sobs, not wanting Trowa or possibly Quatre or Heero to come looking for him. He thought that if Heero found him like this, he would either die or shame or do something very, very stupid.  
          Why were these feelings so powerful? He couldn’t wrap his head around them. He had never felt anything like this before. He had been neglecting his dreams and desires his entire life. Why was this particular dream so much harder to discard than the others? He didn’t want to be in love, in his opinion, it was the worst thing in the world, to have one’s heart burst into flame, just by thinking of that person, then become so painfully hollow when they were gone, but he couldn’t shake the feeling, no matter how hard he tried. The thought of spending his life pining after someone who couldn’t possibly care for him that way was the worst sort of pain. What made it even more terrible was that he couldn’t stop himself from hoping that it could happen. The logical part of himself told him that such a thing was impossible, but his emotions burned with the need to believe that someday, _someday_ , Heero would fall for him, too. He wasn’t even totally sure if that was what he wanted. He wanted to be loved so badly, but at the same time, at this point in his life, he was scared of that sort of relationship. How could he possibly stay sane, pining for the one thing that scared him the most? After being raped, he had thought he could survive anything, no matter how painful, but he wasn’t sure if he _wanted_ to survive through this kind of pain.  
          Through his tears, Duo managed to get to his bedroom, closing the door quietly behind him. He lied down on his bed, feeling drained and anxious at the same time. He hugged one of his pillows tightly burying his face in it and soaking the downy material with his tears. He wanted to pretend that he was holding a living  breathing person, someone warm and comforting, someone who loved him, but in the end, it was just a cold, lifeless pillow, soft, but completely incapable of telling him that everything was going to be ok or holding him in return. He knew that he was being unfair. Noventa had gotten that part wrong. Name and Heero _did_ love him, but right now, he wanted someone to look him in the eye and tell him that he wasn’t trash, that he was loved. He wanted someone to look at him like he was beautiful, like he was the most special thing in the world. He wanted someone to love him like he loved Heero. He wanted to be loved even though, he knew deep down in his heart, there was nothing in him to love.  
   
   
   
          Noventa stumbled backwards as Name slapped him across the face. He didn’t know which burned more, his cheek or his pride.  
          “Get the hell out of my house, Charles,” she ordered in a tight, cold voice.   
          “You’re no longer welcome here, or anywhere else near my family.”  
          Noventa looked at her with wide, disbelieving eyes and Name couldn’t deny how good it felt seeing the imprint of her hand already start to bruise on his pale skin.  
          “You can’t be serious,” he protested, “You’re going to protect that boy over me?! He’s just a-,”  
          Name shoved him against the wall, shocking him with her sudden display of strength and anger.  
          “If you value your life at all, you won’t finish that sentence,” she snapped, “In lieu of our past partnership, I _won’t_ break your nose for all those things you said to one of my children, but if I catch you near Duo _or_ Heero, I’m going to destroy what little you still have left. Your money, your reputation, your family, I will _ruin_ you, do you understand me?”  
          Noventa paled, finally realizing how serious she was.  
          “He’s not your child,” he started to say in a pathetically weak voice, but Name stopped the rest of his words from tumbling out with a cold, sharp look.  
          “Yes, he is. That ‘street trash’ you think so poorly of is more important to me than you ever were and as long as I still have breath in my lungs, I will protect him from people like you. Now, get out.”  
          Noventa felt all of the fight leave him in an instant, having the sudden intense desire to get away from the furious woman. He shuffled past her and walked down the hallway to the back door. When his feet hit the front steps, he looked back, into the house, his eyes meeting with Name’s intense black ones.  
          “This isn’t over,” he warned. He would let her win this battle, he reasoned, but he couldn’t afford to lose, even if he had to do despicable things to win, it was just business and he had to be strong, even if Name Yuy scared the crap out of him.  
          “Yes, it is,” Name’s voice was filled with a heavy finality as she shut the door in his face. She didn’t even wait for Noventa to get into his car and leave before she flipped open her cell phone and dialed Heero’s number. She wasn’t even a little shocked when he didn’t pick up, probably too immersed in finding Duo and his own emotional turmoil to notice it ringing. A little bit of her anger released her as she realized how happy her son would be when he found out that his best friend was safe at home. She wanted to leave a message telling him so, but there was a part of her that was still angry at herself and Heero for not noticing Duo’s pain, so she didn’t.  
          “Heero, come home, _now_ ,” she simply barked to his voice mail, severing the call and putting the phone back into her pocket. She leaned against the wall heavily. Had her life always been this complicated? She didn’t think so. She rubbed at her eyes, suddenly feeling very tired. Her words to Noventa came back to her. When had she started seeing Duo as her child? A very long time ago, it felt like, even before she had taken him home. She did love him and wanted to protect him. So, seeing him in pain like this was eating her up inside. She had to make things right, but it wasn’t that simple. In reality, Duo’s problems with Heero were out of her hands. The two boys had to sort things out on their own, on their own terms. She hated having problems that she couldn’t solve. Still, there was one thing that she could make better. Duo thought that she would be disgusted in him for loving Heero, that she would see him as some sort of pervert. She would have to correct him on that.  
   
   
   
          Name found Duo lying face down on his bed, his face buried in one of his pillows. At first, she thought that he was sleeping, but as she approached him, she realized that he was too tense to be sleeping. She sighed and sat at the edge of the bed.  
          “Duo, you need to talk to me,” she said softly, her tone almost begging, though she hadn’t meant for it to be. Duo made an odd sniffling noise and she realized that he had been crying and was trying to hide it from her, but it was useless when he looked at her with bloodshot eyes. She ached to comfort him and felt guilty, wondering how many times he had cried over Heero without anyone to talk to.  
          “I have nothing more to say,” he said wearily, “I told you everything.”  
          She brushed his bangs away from his eyes, touching his cheek gently.  
          “Yes, you did,” she said in a kind, patient tone, “but I never got to have my say.”  
          Duo stiffened even further. He wanted to protest that he didn’t want to hear what she had to say, if it was good, it still wouldn’t change anything, and if it was bad, it wouldn’t be anything he didn’t expect.  
          “Why bother saying anything?” he murmured, “Noventa’s right, Heero’s seen me at my worst. He knows my past, all the dirty little secrets hiding underneath. I’m street trash, born and bred; Wes only brought those traits out full force. How could he ever love me the way I love him? He’s so much… brighter than I am. He deserves someone like that, too. I can’t ever give him that sort of light, that sort of beauty. There isn’t anything special about me. Besides, Heero isn’t gay. I mean, if he was willing to give Relena a shot, he _can’t_ be gay. I feel lucky that he even looks at someone like me as a friend. And how can you stand to look at me knowing I want to do those disgusting things with your own son?”  
          Name felt a pain, deep in her heart, knowing that Duo had to describe sex and longing that way since it was how he understood it. It was easier than she wanted to admit to pick Duo up and drag him into her arms, holding him close.   
          “I can stand it because I love you, too,” Name said fiercely, “Loving another person, someone who you’d come to depend upon and care about as a very good friend, isn’t disgusting, Duo. It’s natural and it’s beautiful. I’m not ashamed of you and you’re probably the only person in the world I don’t mind falling in love with Heero. I wish I could make this better, but I’m strong enough to admit I don’t know how. I can also admit that I don’t know all the thoughts in my child’s head. He wanted to try to have a relationship with her because she was his best friend and her family was in trouble, but he was never comfortable with any of the intimate things she wanted from him, even kissing. You think Heero’s perfect?” she snorted in dry humor, feeling Duo start to relax in her embrace, his head resting on her chest.  
          “He’s far from perfect, honey. He’s quick to anger, anti-social, has terrible manners, and practically no sense of tact. He can’t cook and is terrible with money. You have plenty of light. You’re the only one who can reach him when he’s in one of his moods, you’re sweet, kind, and brilliant with your hands. You have so much beauty inside you. Noventa’s _wrong_. You’re not ordinary, but you’re not a freak. Heero doesn’t care that you spent your life on the streets, anymore than I do. You’re socially awkward, but you’re a good friend. You are a very special person, in both good and bad ways. Not many people could have pulled through all the horrors you’ve been through. Heero knows you well, but you know him well, too. You know that he isn’t perfect, he’s a human being with many faults. We all are. He loves you and so do I. I could never hurt you for feeling the way you do. You were very brave to confess to me,” she said with a soft smile, “I can’t imagine how hard it was. I’ve never had to know that sort of pain. Heero’s father was the only man I pursued in a serious way, but because of my family, I never had to worry about telling his parents how I felt. I don’t think I would have been able to do that in your situation.”  
          Even though he felt like very little had been solved with Name’s acceptance, he felt better having her by his side once more.   
          “I don’t know what to do,” he murmured, “I can’t ever tell him…”   
          Name rubbed his shoulder in comfort.  
          “I won’t tell him, Duo, none of us will. What ever you need, I’ll help you.”  
          “Thank you,” the longhaired boy said, but didn’t tell her that what he wanted more than anything, she could never give him.  
   
   
   
   
   
          Heero hadn’t wanted to give up the search so early, but had rushed home on his mother’s word, just like a child. He hated himself for doing it. No matter what his mother had to tell him, it wasn’t anywhere near as important as finding his missing friend. Still, he wondered what he was doing. Duo was so good at hiding, how could he possibly find him? He felt like he was being whittled away, a piece at a time. He was exhausted and frustrated. He just wanted to go to bed tonight, knowing that the boy he loved was safe.  
          His mother was waiting for him at the foot of the stairs with a stern look on her face.  
          “What was so important you couldn’t just talk to me over the phone about it?” he demanded. Name narrowed her eyes at him, examining her son. He was pale, dark circles under his eyes and seemed agitated. She realized that he hadn’t been sleeping well just as he hadn’t been eating much in the last two days. His appearance made her feel a little bit guilty, but she kept remembering the broken look in Duo’s eyes when he had told her of his feelings. Without any warning, she smacked Heero upside the head.  
          “Ow! What the hell?!” Heero grabbed his head as the blow cleared his head of the sleepy fog he had been in.  
          “Go upstairs,” his mother ordered. Heero glared at her.  
          “Why did you hit me?!” he snapped.  
          “Just go upstairs, Heero,” Name gave him a hard look. Heero made an annoyed huffing noise, but stormed upstairs anyway.  
          When Heero reached the upstairs bedrooms, he heard Trowa and Quatre talking in their bedroom and felt a dull rage tighten his chest in realization that Trowa had already given up for the day. His hands curled into fists and he wanted to storm into the room and demand that the two of them help look some more. Was he the only one who still believed that Duo _could_ be found? He was about to storm over there when Duo’s door opened and Duo himself stepped out, looking at him with wide, anxious eyes. He was the most beautiful thing Heero had ever seen, the vision making tears prickle his eyes. With a wordless, near-cry, Heero hugged his best friend, bringing him off of the ground for a few seconds.  
          “Heero!” Duo squeaked, but he felt too good about seeing the Japanese boy to tell him to let go. He clung back, reveling in Heero’s unique heat. He had only been gone for two days, but every second that he was away from Heero felt like days. Sometimes he loved being left to himself, but sometimes that separation was quite painful. When Heero finally let him go, both of them were out of breath, their hearts pounding. Heero grabbed his shoulder, either to keep him from running or to remind himself that he was real, Duo didn’t know. If it had been anyone else, Duo would have flinched away, but it was Heero and he didn’t, he couldn’t.  
          “Where have you been?!” Heero demanded and the tears in his eyes were as painful to Duo as a gleaming knife in his gut, “Why did you run away?”   
          Duo placed his hands over Heero’s.  
          “I’ll tell you,” he promised, leading Heero into his bedroom.  
   
   
   
          Sitting next to Heero on his bed, shoulder to shoulder, Duo did as he did with Trowa and Name, explaining the fears and doubts he had been living with, omitting his turbulent feelings for his best friend, of course.  
          “How could you ever think that I would abandon you, just because you couldn’t change?” Heero asked with a hurt expression.  
          “There wasn’t anything rational behind it,” Duo murmured, “I know that you could never be that callous to me, but I was scared and anxious and too used to running instead of talking about my feelings.”  
          Heero ran his fingers through his short hair. He couldn’t help but feel hurt that Duo had actually believed he would abandon him or hate him, simply because he was having problems, but he was too tired and too happy to have Duo so close to him again to want to dwell on it very long.  
          “Are there any other secret engagements I should know about?” Duo suddenly asked, his tone tinged with betrayal and hurt. Heero made a soft groaning noise, pressing his shoulder against his friend’s.  
          “I never hid that from you, not consciously,” he confessed, “I never told you about Relena because I had thought I would never see her again, and I was ashamed. I had trusted her and she had let me down. Mom had seen her for what she was, but I hadn’t. I should have told you, but I was afraid you’d lost faith in me, something neither of us could have handled. I didn’t tell you about Sylvia because it just plain slipped my mind. Our engagement had never been finalized. Noventa had just mentioned it to Mom, but then we left England. I never thought anything would come from it. That’s all, I swear.”  
          “Why should I ever trust you again?” Duo whispered, “You may not have lied to me, but you haven’t told me a lot, either. It’s so embarrassing. I’ve told you horrible things, but you’re still hiding from me. Is it because I lied to you? Do you not trust me to tell me about your past?”  
          Heero was startled by Duo’s words, but when he looked into his beautiful, deep violet eyes, he was relieved to find all of Duo’s blind faith in him still there. Duo still trusted him, to the point that it scared Heero a little, but he realized that Duo didn’t trust himself, and that was the problem. How could he expect Duo to trust his word, to trust that he would always be there for him, when Duo couldn’t even trust, or respect, his own self? He put his hand over Duo’s, giving it a reassuring squeeze.  
          “I can’t promise that you’ll know every inch of my past. I’m sure I don’t know every inch of yours. However, I can promise that I will never lie to you. I will never keep things from you when you ask. I know I’m socially awkward and I don’t think about these things, but if you ever need to know something, ask me, and I’ll tell you. Don’t rely on me to tell you everything, though I’m not that smart to think of everything you need to know,” Heero said with a grin.   
          Duo could feel his skin burning under Heero’s touch, but didn’t pull away. He was right, he hadn’t told him every inch of his past and it was unfair to hold Heero to that high standard.  
          “Alright,” he agreed, “then make me that promise.”  
          “I will, if you make me one,” Heero bargained, “promise me that you won’t run away again. Promise me, that if you’re in pain or lonely or just need to get something off your chest, you’ll talk to someone, _anyone_ , instead of bolting without so much as a word or note.”  
          Duo smiled softly at him, making Heero’s chest clench happily.  
          “I’m too tired for running anymore, I promise.”  
          “Then I promise, too,” Heero said, “Come on, Quatre’s been missing you, too.”  
          Duo felt a biting emptiness in his stomach and heart when Heero let go of his hand to stand and walk towards the door, but when he looked back at him with another reassuring smile, the pleasant, almost maddening warmth, returned.   
   
   
   
          Almost as if he had psychically known Heero and Duo had been talking about him, or perhaps he had simply heard their twin foot steps as they had approached his room, Quatre popped out of his room, beaming as he saw Duo.  
          “Duo!” he squealed, hugging the other boy tightly. Duo grunted, but tried his hardest not to flinch.   
          “Oh, thank goodness you’re alright! We were so worried!” the blonde cried. Duo looked over his shoulder and saw Trowa peeking out into the hallway with an amused expression.  
          “So, do I win anything for finding Duo first?” he asked in good humor. Quatre released the longhaired boy to scold his lover for making the joke, but stopped at the sound of Duo’s sharp laughter.  
          “That’s not funny, Trowa,” Heero grumbled.  
          “I think it is,” Duo quipped. Heero rolled his eyes, realizing that Trowa’s dry humor was very similar to Duo’s, but less rare. Quatre took a calming moment to examine Duo and frowned.  
          “You look a bit peaked,” he murmured, pressing his pale hand to Duo’s forehead, which did make him flinch.  
          “And you’re warm,” Quatre worried.  
          “It’s just a cold,” Duo insisted, but Quatre and Heero shared a concerned look.  
          “Mom has a thermometer,” Heero said, leading Duo over to the steps. Duo sighed loudly and Trowa clapped him on the back.   
          “Bear through it,” he advised, “you were off your meds for two days. It’s probably just a cold, but we need to be sure.”  
          “Fine,” Duo said with another sigh.  
          “You look like you have a fever,” Heero said, “You could have the flu.”  
          “It’s a cold!” Duo argued, but followed him downstairs to the kitchen.  
   
   
   
          “Well, it’s the flu, isn’t it?” Heero asked anxiously as his mother looked at the thermometer. Duo was sitting in one of the kitchen chairs, Shiva and Sammy happily curled up in his lap, glad that their master was finally home. Duo stroked their backs and struggled to not roll his eyes at Heero’s over protectiveness. He still wasn’t used to people being so worried about him, though it felt kind of nice, it was also slightly annoying.  
          “99.8,” Name read, looking at Duo with a mother’s eye, “A slight fever, sore throat, fatigue… sounds like a cold. Now that you’re back on your medicine and someplace warm, you’ll feel better, I’m sure.”  
          Duo stuck his tongue out at Heero who grumbled incoherently. Name gave Duo an anxious, sad look.  
          “Honey, I hate to tell you this,” she said hesitantly, her eyes wandering to the two cats on his lap, “but Toby found out how to open your window and he got out. We can’t find him.”  
          She had been dreading having this conversation with Duo, especially so soon after his return and how unlikely it was to find a missing cat in a city of their size, but Duo smiled brightly at her.   
          “Actually, he just followed me when I ran away. He’s hiding in my room somewhere right now,” he told her. Name breathed in relief.   
          “Well, that’s good news,” she said, “Dinner’s almost ready, so why don’t you just relax.”  
          Duo nodded as the other three boys sat next to him at the table and he watched as Name went over to the oven to check on the fish. She was the closest thing to a mother he had ever had and his love for her was powerful enough that her acceptance of his feelings made him want to cry in relief. He hadn’t had many female influences. Amaaya had always been a good friend, but they had never gotten to see each other very much and now she was long gone and, though he did care for his female teachers like Une and Hilde, he had never been terribly close to them. How could he have when he had been lying to them for so long? Compared to Name, well, there was no comparison. Name had gotten him out of the biggest darkness he had ever known. His life now was brighter and so new to him. She had cared for him, seen him as a human being where so many other adults hadn’t. There had only been one other woman that had gained his affections and had treated him as an equal. It was ironic that he saw the two women as so similar when they were really so different.   
   
   
   
   
          //Ten years ago….  
   
   
   
          It was the rain that woke him up, not the flashes of lightning or the roaring thunder, just the feeling of freezing rain on his face and the fact that a puddle was forming underneath his body. He rolled over, sitting with his back against the dark cement of the alley wall, out of the puddle. Not that it did him any good, his clothes were soaked through, giving absolutely no warmth or shelter to his sickeningly thin body. Duo shuddered violently, curling up against the wall, his tiny body incapable of stopping its shivers. His stomach was so hollow, it was actually causing him pain. He wiped at the water that was dripping from his bangs into his eyes. He had spent all of yesterday scrounging for food, but fate was never kind to street kids and all he had to show for it was a chunk of stale bread the size of his fist and a pair of battered sneakers that were on his feet. He had collapsed sometime last night from the hunger, his hands protecting the small morsel, even in sleep. He couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten, but he was too scared to now. The scariest thing was being hungry and not having any food. Still, he felt weak and he knew that he had to eat to gain enough strength to go look for more food. It was a never ending cycle, one that he knew he would be facing his entire life. He shuddered again. Usually, he loved the shelter his long hair gave him, but now it stuck to his skin and made the cold even more unbearable.  
          Through a brilliant flash of lightning, Duo saw two teenaged boys approach him, dressed in jeans jackets with tears on the sleeves. The white cloth tied around their left arms, over the jackets told him that they were in a gang and looking for trouble, but he felt too tired and weak to try to run. They would probably catch him anyway, he reasoned, so he stayed still, trying to cause as few problems as possible, hoping that they would leave him alone. When they stood in front of him, grinning twin grins, he realized that he wasn’t that lucky. The five year old’s violet eyes honed in on the switch blade that one of them was carrying.  
          “What are you doing out in this rain, sweetheart?” the taller boy with a scar over his left temple asked in a falsely kind voice.  
          “It’s a boy,” the other said in disappointment.   
          “Whatever. They all look the same to me.”  
          In a flash, the boy with the scar had the switchblade pressed to Duo’s thin throat.  
          “Here’s the deal, runt, give us your food, money if ya got it, and those shoes, too,” he added, eyeing Duo’s newly acquired sneakers. Duo realized that the boys were too young to be high up in the ranks of any gang and had probably needed to steal to survive, especially when pickings became slim, like they were now. Duo felt the sharpness of the knife, but just like how his hunger had made him too weak to run, it had also made him too stubborn and annoyed to yield to the two boys.  
          “No,” he snapped, trying to hide his food in his shirt and tucking his feet under his body to save his shoes.  
          “Git yer own! These’r mine!”  
          The tall boy snarled and grabbed Duo by his ratty white t-shirt.  
          “Look, brat, we’re being nice and were gonna let you keep yer clothes, but if your going to be a little shit, ya don’t deserve those. Now, stay still, I don’t want any of yer rat blood on my new shoes,” the boy said through angry, clenched teeth. Duo felt a sharp sting as the blade bit into his neck and a small stream of blood trickled amongst the rain water. It wasn’t any worse than a paper cut, but the sudden warmth on his skin was startling.  
          “What are you doing?! Get away from him!” a soft voice demanded in shock. All three boys looked down the alley at a lone woman, her blue eyes staring at the teenagers, her arms filled with paper bags. With her golden hair shimmering in the rain and her skin pale, but healthy looking, Duo thought she looked like one of the angels he sometimes saw in the glass windows of the near by church. She was thin, dainty looking in a beautiful way, though she wasn’t very short, she just looked fragile, like blown glass that the shop keepers sold did. Even with a small switch blade knife, the two boys could have easily taken her down, but Duo knew they wouldn’t put up a fight. They were vultures, looking for the half dead so they wouldn’t have to do any work. Sure enough, as soon as they finally realized that they had been caught, the boys fled, shoving past the blonde woman. She stumbled, her burden making it difficult for her to be very agile but she didn’t seem to give the other boys much thought as she rushed to Duo’s side. She put the bags down and knelt to inspect the child she had just saved. The gold cross she wore around her neck reflected the light from one of the jolts of lightning, making Duo wince. He had lived in the shadows for too long and wasn’t used to the light. It wasn’t like he had ever had a choice. Rats like him had to live in the dark, where no one would notice them. Getting noticed was a bad thing.   
          “Oh, you poor little thing!” the woman said in a sweet tone, her fingers gently checking the tiny cut. Duo watched her with wide eyes, not used to being touched at all, let alone so kindly and he expected her to leave him at any second, but her sad eyes never left him as she took in his slight shaking and terrible thinness.  
          “Are you alright? Did they hurt you?” she asked, brushing his dirty, unkempt bangs from his equally dirty face. She seemed frozen in place by the sight of his brilliant violet eyes compared to his skin darkened by dirt and old sweat that would take more than some rain water to wash away.  
          Duo shook his head, his voice stuck in his throat. His heart tightened when the worried look dissipated into a beautiful smile.  
          “You must be hungry, sweetheart. Would you like something to eat?” she asked, placing her soft hand over his smaller one. Duo watched the woman warily. He knew, better than anyone, that no one that had something you needed could be trusted and food was never free. There was always a price and it was those that never told you what that price was that you had to look out for.  
          Two months ago, a street vendor had handed out free oranges to all the street kids. He had taken one, too, and it had tasted so wonderfully sweet, but it had started to hurt his stomach after a few minutes. Fortunately, he had spotted another boy, not as lucky as him, convulsing and had realized what was going on. He had forced himself to throw up the poisoned fruit, only ending up with a very bad stomachache and a life long fear of oranges, but most of the other children had died. What remained with him, more than anything, was the obviousness of the act. No one had come to their aids and the vendor had never been arrested. Duo was sure that the man would have been if one of the ‘normal’ children had accidentally eaten some of the poison, but that hadn’t happened. According to the law and order of the world, the man had done nothing wrong. So, when the strange woman took a cooked chicken that you could buy at one of the grocery stores nearby out of one of the bags, at the same time his body almost shook with the mere smell of it, he didn’t make a go for it. He stayed rooted to the spot, watching her distrustfully. His violet eyes widened as she opened the container and took out a small chunk of steaming meat, chewing on it. He realized that it wasn’t poisoned, it couldn’t be unless the woman was completely insane, but he wasn’t willing to trust her. She sat next to him and continued to chew on the chicken.  
          “Want some? It’s fresh,” she pressed when Duo didn’t make a move for the food. He looked like an alley cat, eyeing the food, but staying still, waiting for her to make the first move. When was the last time he had had fresh meat, Duo wondered. He couldn’t remember ever having it, actually.  
          “Why you giving it ta me?” he asked cautiously. The woman smiled at him.  
          “Because you look like you need the food. That’s my job, to help out people in need.”  
          Duo snorted.  
          “Ain’t much good will ‘round here,” he said gruffly.  
          “I can see that,” she nodded, “but that’s even more of a reason for people like me. All of these people don’t want to help, so someone needs to. My name’s Sister Helen, what’s yours?”  
          Duo narrowed his eyes at her, his hands and stomach itching to grab the chicken and make a run for it. The scent of food had given him new found energy but he was still too tired to try to run and he felt bad about stealing from someone who was trying to help him. Guilt was a new thing for him. Being a street rat, he had gotten used to things not being fair and having to disregard such feelings just to survive. Also, he had learned to distrust people with religion. He had never had such blind faith and he doubted that he ever would, but people who did seemed to use those beliefs as a shield and a reason to do whatever they pleased. If ‘God’ said it was ok, it had to be so. To Duo, religion and law were the same, neither were fair, but you couldn’t fight against them.  
          “You don’t _look_ like a nun,” he accused, taking in her long blonde curls that fell heavily and thick down her shoulders, her navy raincoat, dark slacks, and red sweater, pointedly ignoring her question about his name. Helen chuckled a little.  
          “I don’t wear my habit all the time, little one, especially in weather like this,” she said, smiling affectionately as the boy’s nose scrunched cutely at the nickname.  
          “What is your name, unless you’d like me to continue calling you ‘little one’?” she teased. The nun watched the boy relax little by little as they talked and how he kept looking back at the chicken with deep yearning. Duo thought about it, the whole name thing. He had never known if he had ever had a name. Such things were mysteries to him and he tried not to dwell on them for very long. He had always kept to himself and had had no use for names. There was no one around in his life to address him. There were probably people out there that would see such lack of labels and identity frightening, but he had never felt that way. Even with a name, he felt just as lost, just as much of a ‘nobody’ as he had beforehand. “Duo” he had gotten from a scrap of a magazine. He had no idea what the word meant, but it was as good as any other to him. He had only picked it because it had been such a huge accomplishment for him. He had stared at that damn paper for hours, experimentally trying to say the word out loud and when he had finally managed it, it had felt overwhelming. He had read something, without anyone’s help but his own. It had seemed somehow fitting that he take the word as his own.  
          “Duo,” he murmured. He was surprised when she appeared to accept that. Could the word he have picked up be an acceptable name or was the woman imply so tolerant that he could have given her any word and she would have believed that that was his name?  
          “Well, Duo, I was on my way to give all this to one of the shelters,” she explained.  
          “Then why are you offering it to me?” Duo blurted out. He watched her carefully as she soothed back his soaked bangs, but he let her do it, despite his fear.  
          “Because, at least this way, I know for sure some of this food is going to someone who desperately needs it,” she said in a mournful voice. Helen tore off a large chunk of the chicken and offered the steaming meat to the child.  
          It had been a very long time since Duo had eaten hot food and it tasted so good, so strong, that his thin stomach wanted to reject it at first, but sinking his teeth into the chicken also gave him a strange sort of pleasure and he couldn’t stop eating until it was all gone, even though eating so much so quick was giving him stomach cramps. When more food was presented to him, he didn’t even take the time to look and see what it was before chewing and swallowing it down. He realized in that moment that he really didn’t care if the food was poisoned or why the nun would share the delicious feast with him, or even if he threw it all up later, in that moment, everything tasted so good, his hands were shaking with it.  
          Helen quickly seemed to realize that the boy would eat anything put in front of him and a deep sadness filled her eyes as she started to slow down the amount she gave him, knowing that he hadn’t eaten in a long time and would get sick easily. She watched in astonishment as the little boy ate the food like a wild animal would, viciously and with no knowledge of manners or pace. Sadness shone in her eyes at the child’s fate, to always be hungry and lonely, abandoned by a world that had promised to take care of him, but easily forgot such promises when there was work to be done. Duo noticed her staring at him and quickly finished what was in his hands, a piece of banana.   
          “Thank you,” he said in a small voice. Those words were as alien to him as the woman’s affectionate touching. He had never actually said them before, had never been in the presence of someone who needed to be thanked. Very few people had wanted to help him and those that did, did it quickly, their eyes averted as they rushed off, as though they were ashamed of giving him any aid.  
          “You’re welcome,” Helen said, her kind smile replacing her wide-eyed look of shock. She looked like she wanted to say something else to him, offer something, but with a pained expression, she refrained from it.  
          “Duo, do you see the church from here?” she asked, pointing above the alley walls. Duo nodded. Even in the dark, there were some lights near the church and he could see the top of the building.  
          “That’s where I work,” she told him, “My home. If you’re ever in trouble, go there, ok? There are people who can help you.”  
          Duo saw the desperation in her eyes and that urge to say something else that something held her back from voicing and he nodded.  
          “Ok,” he agreed. He doubted he would do it, but there was some deeply buried part of him that was glad he could make her feel better. He watched her gather her bags and felt an intense worry for the attractive woman.  
          “Are you sure you’ll be safe?” he asked, finally finding the energy to stand. Helen patted the child’s head.  
          “I’ll be fine, sweetheart,” she assured him, but when she left the alley, Duo was sure that he would never see her again.  
  
End Part 3  
  



	24. Surgery Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo remembers the first person that had ever been kind to him, and how he had really first met Wes. 
> 
> With the approaching, yearly trip to Boston, Duo decides to indulge in something that he was never allowed to do while living with Wes.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 4          
  
  
  The next night proved Duo’s instincts wrong, however. The night was just as cool as the previous one, but though dark clouds littered the sky, there was no rain. With the first full stomach he had had in months, Duo took the time to rifle through dumpsters and trash cans, but came back to his little alley empty handed. He knew that he should probably move on. It was never a good idea to stay in the same place for very long, but he hadn’t spotted the boys from the night before, and he had hoped against all odds and instinct, that he would see Helen again, so he had stayed put in the little alley. Still, when Helen did show up, he was shocked. This time, she not only showed up with food, home made vegetable soup this time, but also a warm blanket and a book with pictures of animals and places he had never seen. After they shared a meal together, she read to him, her sweet voice almost like a lullaby and he struggled to stay awake. She left after a few hours, kissing his forehead and saying she would see him again tomorrow. As he curled up in his new blanket, he thought that he wouldn’t doubt that this time. He felt both safe and vulnerable with the blanket, realizing that he now had something to lose, something that was valuable to him, and such a thing wasn’t so good for a kid in his position, but he welcomed the warmth just as he had all the other kindnesses the woman had given him.  
          Every night for two weeks, Helen came into his alley with food and books, reading out loud to him. For Duo, it was a strange relationship. He didn’t consider the things she brought him gifts because it was a part of her job, but how could he not love her for her kindness? It was her job, but she had picked him, specifically, to help. Each time she visited, he could tell she wanted to take him back with her, but she never asked out loud, which Duo was grateful for. One thing he couldn’t stand to see in her blue eyes was pity. She clearly thought he was incapable of surviving on his own, which made him feel weak and small. Besides, it was a little belittling. He had lived on his own, survived with the help of no one for years. Someone like Helen would never understand the ways of the street, how its hardness could make little boys turn into men in only a day. It took away their humanity and all sense of civilization but it gave them an incredible strength in return. He didn’t want to go back with her because of a strange spark of pride. He had thought he had no such feelings, after all, he had nothing to be proud of. He trusted her as much as any street kid could trust someone, but he could never find the words to ask if she wanted him to go with her. He wasn’t sure if he wanted that, anyway, beyond putting faith in a woman that would never understand him. He had walked by the large church where she worked many times, but had never dared to step inside. “Good Christians” might claim that their god loved all of them, but even he understood that someone like him would never be welcome in there. Still, he felt a bit bad for causing his new friend so much guilt, just because she felt the need to help him, something that he believed no one could do if they ever wanted to. But, he liked talking to her. She eased his deep rooted loneliness, as well as the equally deep physical hunger and chill. He had gotten used to her presence and companionship, even if they could never understand each other.  
   
   
   
   
          One night, Helen came into the alley and Duo knew in an instant that something was wrong. The nun was usually smiling kindly at him, her eyes bright and her head held high in unconscious strength and pride, but that night she appeared shaken, some sort of uncertain fear in her deep blue eyes. She even seemed to be paler, almost on the verge of tears, but she handed him his meal as though nothing was wrong. Duo was used to keeping his darker feelings where they were, in the dark. That was the way of being homeless and futureless, you had to hide your feelings and become a pillar of strength, or become prey to everyone else. That was especially true to someone as young and small as Duo. However he knew that people like Helen weren’t like that, so he was surprised that she didn’t come right out and say it. He finished his food and gave her his undivided attention. In the mere two weeks he had known her, she had given him adventure and wonder in the books she read to him and a stability and energy to face each day, not with a wonder that he was still alive, but that he had expected the sun to rise for him in the morning with the meals she had brought him. He had never eaten so regularly, or so well, in his life and he constantly struggled not to get used to it, forcing himself to continue scavenging just in case Helen stopped showing up. He didn’t know what he would miss more, the food, the books, or her company.  
          “Little one, do you know those boys that threatened you before?” Helen asked, her eyes full of a frantic fear that Duo was familiar with seeing on the faces of new street kids, those that still had a concept of what was fair, slowly realizing that horrible things could happen to them, too. He shook his head. To him, those boys were just carbon copies of every gang member he had ever come across, using fear and violence to combat the same things that plagued them, just animals howling in the dark, thinking that it would make a difference, thinking something in the dark would acknowledge them, would answer them back so they didn’t have to be alone anymore. The whole world was like that, doing terrible things to each other for some sense of ‘power’. Duo had given up on that a long time ago. What was the point of howling when the world was going to stay dark and lonely? Yes, he had seen others with those white cloths over their arms and he knew that gang was fairly large, but that was the extent of his knowledge. He didn’t know the name or anything else.  
          Helen seemed to deflate when Duo had nothing to tell her, that fear deepening on her face.  
          “What’s wrong?” Duo asked, curious about what could have her so scared.  
          “Oh, it’s nothing,” Helen said with a smile, but Duo could see her anxiety underneath and knew she was lying. He watched her gnaw on her lip indecisively before speaking again.  
          “Duo, there’s something I want you to have,” she said in a soft, but determined voice and he followed her fingers with wide eyes as the nun unclasped the golden chain that held her cross.  
          “I-I can’t…” he said, feeling small and pathetic as the gold of the cross gleamed in the dim light. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew that the cross was much more than a symbol of her faith and that it was the most important thing she owned. The way her fingers blindly searched for it every time she was nervous or unsure spoke to him of a life spent using the piece of gold as a kind of security blanket. That she had ever _thought_ to give something so precious to someone like him was unthinkable. Helen ignored his choked words, re-clasping the chain around the small boy’s neck. The gold felt warm on his skin from her wearing it, but also felt wrong to him, the polished gold on his dirty body.  
          “You can and you will,” Helen insisted with a loving smile that made something warm throb inside of Duo’s chest. He caught the way her fingers hesitated to leave the cross, even though she had a justified expression on her pretty face.  
          “That cross has been in my family for over five generations,” she told him, “My grandmother gave it to my mother and my mother gave it to me to give to my children.”  
          “Then why are you giving it to me?!” Duo asked in exasperation, unable to follow her logic. How could she ever consider him a child of hers? Why couldn’t she ever see his worthlessness when everyone else could? Helen’s smile turned deeply sad, almost devastated.  
          “I’ve known for awhile now that I can’t have children,” she said and Duo could see the tears in her eyes, her terrible need for something she could never have, but she didn’t let them fall, “even conceiving is impossible for my body. I never blamed God for making me that way. Instead of becoming bitter about it, I decided to dedicate my life to taking care of others, to sharing God’s miracle of life in a different way. I became a nun and I met you,” her light blue eyes looked into his violet ones, “You’re a sweet boy, Duo, and I want you to know that God will always be there for you. He loves you just as much as I do and he will protect you. You’re the closest thing to a son I’ve ever had and I want you to know that, though things look bad now, God does love you,” Helen tried to assure him, but didn’t feel any such feelings at her words.  
          “I’ve never believed in God and if He does exist, I _hate_ him,” Duo said bitterly. Instead of getting angry, Helen smiled softly and patted his head.  
          “That doesn’t matter,” she said with a shake of her head, “He loves you, even if you don’t believe in Him.”  
          Duo wanted to snort at her blissful ignorance, but decided that that would be too rude, even for him.  
          “I have to go, honey, but I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?” she kissed his forehead.  
          “Bye,” he said softly as she left his little hidey-hole. There was some dark intuition that made him disbelieve he would see her tomorrow, but he dismissed it as his usual pessimism. After all, after their first meeting, he had been sure that he would never see her again, but in the end, she had always come back.  
   
   
   
          Duo didn’t know if it was his instincts or the fear he remembered seeing in Sister Helen’s eyes, but when she didn’t come by the following night, he had decided to stop by the church the next day. He couldn’t deny that he was worried about the only person that had showed him kindness, the closest he had ever had to a mother, and he was even considering going inside the church, just to check on her.   
          The constant meals had done wonders for Duo’s physical and mental state. During the day, he was still hungry, but he hadn’t felt the gnawing fear of uncertainty for awhile and he liked that. He felt shallow thinking it, but he realized that if anything happened to Helen, that feeling would be back and he would be all alone again. His fear curled and pulsed inside of him as a very obvious fact occurred to him: he couldn’t see the church steeple, even as he walked closer and closer to where the church was. It was broad daylight, too, but he couldn’t see it. Also, as he got closer, the streets became deserted and he couldn’t figure out why. There was dark fog or smoke in the air that made it hard to breathe, but he simply broke out into a run, not stopping until he reached the church, his heart pounding in his chest. He knew what was happening as soon as he ran, long before he reached the building. It wasn’t the missing steeple or even the many fire trucks and cop cars parked along the street, it was a dark, foreboding feeling deep down inside.  
          If it weren’t for the shattered, colored shards of glass on the ground, he wouldn’t have known the mess had once been the church. Only a few pieces still were discernable, the rest was too charred to be recognized as glass unless you were looking very closely. Splintered wood, burnt metal, and stone littered the site that had been taped off by the police. Unconsciously, Duo gripped at the golden cross he was wearing. His heart pounded harshly in his chest, the sound ringing in his ears. The smell was horrifying, like rot and cooked meat together. Suddenly, he realized what the firemen were doing there when the fire had only died. They were looking for bodies.  
          “The cops are saying that some kids started it, but it was probably White Fang. They must have done something to piss that group off to burn down a Church, and on a Sunday mass, no less!” Duo heard one fireman say to the other as they stood by one of the trucks, drinking from steaming Styrofoam cups. Neither of the men noticed the little boy standing near them, looking at the ruins with dead, haunted eyes.  
          “Damn kids,” the other man grumbled, “What in the hell is this world coming to?”  
          Duo drowned out the rest of the conversation. He didn’t bother asking them if anyone had survived, he already knew what answer they would give him. He wasn’t smart and he didn’t know much, but he knew that the kind of heat and force that would char everything it touched and made glass explode wouldn’t leave anyone alive. He didn’t dare make his presence known to the firemen or cops, anyway. A street kid hanging around a burnt down church, he was sure they would think he was a part of White Fang and arrest him on the spot. It wouldn’t matter what he said or how old he was, he was just another street rat and they would probably never let him see the sunlight again.  
          Duo felt like a ghost, leaving the gravesite of the woman who had given him so much and who knew how many others, with no one noticing him coming and going. It was better that way, he told himself, but it still made him feel small and pathetic. As he walked back to his alley, Duo tried to cry for Helen, but the tears wouldn’t come. He just felt numb and empty, down to his soul. Just one more person that had left him alone. He was sure that that was his fate, to live and die alone with few happy memories to take with him. Well, the tears of a street rat for a dead nun, whose last name he had never known, were pretty useless anyway.  
   
   
   
          Duo couldn’t sleep. There was a deep, ever lasting numbness in his stomach that hurt to think about and he was too scared to close his eyes, knowing that he was going to dream of Helen. He wanted to pack up his blanket and the little bit of food he had stashed away and leave his alley, but some odd fear kept him from doing that. In the dark, all alone with the smell of burnt flesh still with him, he discovered that he finally had the ability to cry over his friend’s death, but now he realized that he didn’t have the luxury of such emotions. He wanted to release all of his darkness, but he instead forced them down, deep inside of his gut where they were less threatening, but even more painful. Emotions were useless to him, all that mattered were survival. Tears wouldn’t get food in his belly or find him some place warm to stay. Still, it was even harder burying his grief for Helen than anything else. He had never lost anyone before. He didn’t like the feeling a bit, but he didn’t think that you _were_ supposed to like it. He was suddenly glad he had never had friends before Helen. If friendship meant you had to feel like a chunk of yourself had been ripped away, he didn’t want nay friends. But… he had loved how having _someone_ had felt. That was why it hurt so much now, that intense loneliness. It felt terrible, knowing that he would have to sit in the dark all by himself. It scared him, always had, at the same time that it was a relief. He wasn’t some whiny little kid, he knew that there were no such things as bogeymen, it was people he had to look out for, but it had still been nice to hear another’s kind voice every so often. He could feel his hunger eating him alive inside, giving him a hollow feeling and a pounding headache, but he found that he didn’t really care about his body or his physical needs. Was this what it felt like to have your heart broken, this thick apathy and the urge to hit something, but the black hole inside of you draining all your energy, so all you could do was stare and think of how much it hurt? Helen had been the last good thing in his life, the only thing worth living for. The only one who had seen him as a fellow human being. He hoped that he died soon enough that he would never risk forgetting her.  
          Duo wanted to feel rage at White Fang. No matter what Helen’s Church had done, they had taken away the best of this stupid little town. Sure, she hadn’t understood him, but for the first time in his life, when he was with her, he didn’t feel like trash and they had killed her. Every street kid that had the resources to last more than a month knew who and what White Fang was. They took in street kids and homeless, anyone that was desperate. They claimed they could help where the government had failed, but everyone that went to the gang came out whores, murderers, drug dealers, worse, or all of the above. To Duo, they were just very dangerous bullies masquerading as a ‘family’. They killed and tore down anything that could become a threat to their power and what they couldn’t stop, they paid off. He wanted to be furious at them, but that would only bring up a desire for justice, something that he knew didn’t exist and even if it did, it wasn’t for someone like him. Besides, there was someone else with much more power than him doing the job themselves. Duo didn’t know how gang politics worked, but there were rumors that a man leading a very small group of pimps, whores, and drug dealers was taking White Fang down, one member at a time. The thing was, White Fang’s numbers _were_ disappearing, though Duo didn’t know how one man could take down such a huge gang, nor did he care as long as he was left alone.  
          His small, pale hand clutched at the gold cross, the pain from the edges digging into his skin comforting as the rest of him refused to feel anything. It was all that he had left from her and he knew for a fact that he didn’t deserve to wear it, but if he didn’t keep this little piece of her, who would? If he took it off, it was like she had never existed. She had had a family once, but he didn’t know them, he knew her, and he didn’t want to forget her kindness even for second. She had told him that her God would love him, no matter what, but that was a lie. Standing in the cold, smelly alley he had called home for so many weeks, devoid of light, warmth, or any sort of comfort, he certainly didn’t feel loved. He just felt alone and forgotten. Before, he had thought that, if there was a God, it wasn’t for poor people like him. If there was a God, he certainly didn’t love him, He had forgotten that he existed. But now, he didn’t believe in that anymore. Now, he knew there was no God. Helen’s faith had been so pure, so strong, and she had burned alive for it. Where had her God been at that moment? No, there was no one, he believed that as strongly as Helen had believed in a loving God. There was no one who loved them, there was no one to protect them, they couldn’t even protect each other, or themselves.  
   
   
   
          Despite the emotional trauma of losing the only human attachment he had ever had, despite feeling too sick inside to eat or drink or even move one step out of his alley, Duo didn’t sleep that night or the next. He was too apathetic and too scared to sleep. The next two days washed over him in a fog of hunger and emotional misery. Deep down inside, he knew that he was committing a terrible sort of suicide, but he couldn’t find the ability to care. The first emotion he felt outside of his daze came the next night, two days after he had found the destroyed church and he had experienced the feeling of grief for the first time in his short life.  
          He was wide awake when he heard footsteps approach him. He didn’t know who it was and he didn’t care. Intense rage filled him like he had never felt before. Why couldn’t the world leave him alone? Hadn’t it done enough to him?! For some reason, he wasn’t surprised to see that the two gang boys that had tried to steal from him before were the ones to interrupt his mourning. However, this time there were five of them, instead of just two, all of them wearing white clothes on their arms. Duo’s violet eyes narrowed at them as something just occurred to him. Supposedly, no one knew who the members of the White Fang were, yet there were rumors that they all wore white. He wasn’t a moron, he could put two and two together. Helen’s church had invaded White Fang’s territory and had interfered in their business. He doubted that Helen’s saving him had been the last straw, but what if it had? What if he was the reason that his friend was dead? What if all those people’s deaths had been his fault? It was easy to combine his hatred for himself and his hatred for the gang. He glared up at the tallest of the five, a tall, pale man in his late twenties or early thirties with cold, light blue eyes and short, grungy hair that would have been a silver-white if it wasn’t so dirty. His anger filled him at the man’s knowing smirk and he let it control him only seconds ago, he had been too weak to move, but his fury gave him new found strength to give the man a vicious kick to his knee, as high as he could reach.  
          Duo was too small and emaciated to give the attack much force, but the man grunted in pain and stumbled, making Duo believe he could actually escape the situation. The other four were keeping their distance and looked shocked at his actions. He had thought, not all that long ago, that he couldn’t feel anger at White Fang, but the numbness inside of him had ebbed and returned as mad fury. He knew he didn’t stand a chance against them, but that one sound of pain had felt good. If he was going to be killed by these people, he decided he was going to do it like an animal, fighting for his life. He rolled his tiny body under the white-haired man’s legs easily, but wasn’t quick enough to dodge his large hand as it grabbed his arm. The man’s strength was startling as he pinned Duo to the wall. The child’s wide violet eyes looked up into the man’s sharp blue ones. He was shocked and a little bit annoyed to find no anger there, just amusement. The large hand was firm and strong on his arm and kept him pinned there on the wall like a bug as the white-haired man gestured to the scarred boy Duo had met last time. Duo glared at the boy as he grabbed the blanket from the ground. His attention was brought back to the leader as he lightly smacked Duo’s cheek.  
          “Now, that wasn’t very nice, honey, didn’t yer momma ever tell you to respect your elders? What did you think you were gonna do? If yer pretty lady friend were still alive, she’d tell ya it’s useless to fight against us,” the man grinned darkly as Duo froze, looking at him with a deep hatred no five year old should know, “I should know, I’m the one barbequed the bitch like raw steak.”  
          The blue eyes man laughed as Duo screamed at him in fury and thrashed against him. His fighting increased as White Fang’s leader grabbed Helen’s gold cross and ripped it from his neck. His nails dug into the man’s arm and he bit him hard, but he only chuckled at the child’s efforts.  
          “Now, now, don’t fret. We’ll put this little trinket to good use. I’m sure the blonde bitch would have approved. She was all about charity, right?”  
          Duo kicked him in the stomach, fury turning him nearly mindless, but the element of surprise was gone and the man didn’t even flinch.  
          ‘No!’ Duo thought over and over again. Why? Why did they have to take everything that mattered to him? Why couldn’t they just take his wretched, worthless life and just be done with it?! He had let her down… she had given him the most important thing to her and he had lost it in only a few days. Suddenly, the man released him and Duo fell to the ground in a heap. His anger told him to get up and attack the man, to get the cross back, no matter what they did to him, but he didn’t. He curled up on the cold, filthy ground and felt tears prickle his eyes. He felt the gang walk past him.  
          “Take care, kid. We’ll find each other again _real_ soon,” the leader taunted, laughing as they left he boy alone again. Duo shuddered, curling up tighter. It didn’t matter, none if it mattered. He had been born alone and he would die alone, too. Anyone who cared about him would just leave. He couldn’t even hold on to one little necklace, let alone a friend. Surviving day to day… it was all pointless. What was he living for when someone beautiful and ambitious like Sister Helen had to die? What was the fucking point in that?!  
          He lied there in his own miserable corner of the alley, refusing to move for sometime before he heard someone run to his aid. He squeezed his eyes shut. The last person that had tried to help him, he had gotten killed. He didn’t want anyone’s help. Why couldn’t he just be left alone?  
          “Hey there, little one,” a deep voice said close by to him. Duo had lived long enough to tell when people were lying and the man’s voice was just… wrong. Underneath his supposed tone of kindness was something else, something wrong, something that the five year old couldn’t quite place. The underlying tone made something inside him tell him to run away, as fast as he could, but he suddenly, unexpectedly, felt like a moth being drawn to a flame and looked up into cold grey eyes. Just like a moth caught in a flame, he knew the moment their eyes met that he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop himself. For a brief, terrible moment, Duo saw the man’s blonde hair and thought of Sister Helen, but the moment passed quickly. He didn’t like lumping her in with that man, though he wasn’t sure why. The blonde man was daunting with his size and cold eyes, Duo realizing that he could rip him in half with no effort at all, but he let him help him to his feet. The man eyed the bruises on the boy’s knees and arm, but there was something else besides concern in those shale eyes, something that made his stomach both flutter and squirm, something that gave him goose bumps and turned his blood ice cold.   
          “Who did this to you?” the man asked.  
          “White Fang,” the words slipped from Duo’s lips like a dirty secret, but he didn’t care. What could this man do about it anyway? But there was some strange, terrible power in his eyes, a strength that made him more wary of the man than he was of White Fang.  
          The man smiled, but it was more predatory than reassuring.  
          “You won’t have to worry about them for much longer,” the blonde said, ruffling the child’s hair and making him flinch. Duo could see the truth in his expression, but instead of being comforted, he felt a chill of fear go down his spine. //  
   
   
   
            
          Something deep down in Duo’s heart that he had hidden for years tore and broke as he thought of Sister Helen for the first time in ten years. His breath hitched and he struggled to contain his tears, but he was shocked to find that he couldn’t, not after all that time. After locking his memories of her to the back of his mind, they seemed sharp and fresh. He had locked his memories of her away, like she was a dirty secret, like he was ashamed of her. He hated himself for that. He had so few good memories, but he had pushed hers as far away as he could, simply because it was so painful. He had killed her just like White Fang had. Helen had only had the Church and… him. Her parents had died long before he had met her and once the Church had burned down. Duo had remained the only person who remembered her. If he forgot her… it was like she was not only dead, but that she had never existed to begin with. How could he have not remembered her kindness? So much like Name, only… Name didn’t pity him. She respected his strength, but she was still kind and loving, the only mother he had ever had. If she died like Helen had… he didn’t think he could survive that. He didn’t want to survive that. Just thinking of Name dying created a ripping pain in his chest. Duo flinched as something wet ran over his hand and looked down to see Sammy looking up at him with piercing golden eyes.  
          “Duo? Are you ok?” Quatre asked in a soft voice as he got up out of his chair. Duo looked up at him and blushed as he realized that everyone was looking at him worriedly. He hastily brushed away his tears, knowing that he probably looked like a lunatic. Even before he opened his mouth, a hundred different lies came to him and he paused. What was the point in lying to his family? He couldn’t come up with a single reason. He absently stroked Sammy’s pointed ears to calm him down, as well as himself.  
          “When I was five years old, living on the streets, I met this woman, a nun. I didn’t know her for very long, a few months, but every night she would bring me food and we became friends. She and her Church rubbed a local gang that used to run in this city the wrong way. They called themselves White Fang and up until nine years ago, most of this town lived in fear of them until the entire gang was killed off by rival drug dealers. They burnt down her church, killing her and everyone inside. Back then, she had been the only one to ever care about me and I took her death hard. Talking with Trowa today, I realized that I’ve been burying my memories in order to cope, not just now, because I wanted to be normal, but my whole life. I never wanted to forget her,” Duo admitted softly, “It was the worst thing I could have done, forgetting her and now I’m afraid of what else I’ll remember.”  
          As the rest of them listened to Duo’s story with wide eyes, Heero stood next to his best friend and squeezed his shoulder.  
          “I’m sorry, but I’m glad you had someone to care for you back then, even if it was only for a brief period of time,” Heero said. Duo nodded absently. Name broke out of her shock. She could roll the facts of Duo’s terrible childhood around in her head all day and she still wouldn’t be able to change anything. ‘I’m sorry’ didn’t seem to be the right thing to say.  
          “Dinner’s ready. Cats away from the table, Duo,” she said. Duo smiled back at her and gently nudged Sammy and Shiva off of him. He didn’t want to think about what other, more unpleasant memories he had buried in the back of his mind. He just wanted to eat and enjoy the time that he had with his friends and family because if there was one thing that he _did_ remember from the early year of his childhood, it was that you could loose everything in a single second and he didn’t want to lose the people that he had close to him now.   
          As they sat down to dinner, there were thoughts circling in the darkness of his mind, over and over. He knew things now, or at least was fairly sure of them, that he had never known as a child. He knew that the man that had helped him to his feet had been Wes, that that was their first, real meeting, he was very sure of that. He was _fairly_ sure that Wes had had a hand in, or possibly been mostly responsible, in the disbanding of the White Fang. He had insinuated that and it wouldn’t have been the first time that the man had resorted to murder to get what he wanted. Lastly, and of this he was more sure than anything, Wes had been with him for almost his entire life. Wes wasn’t going to leave it so quickly, or easily.  
  
  
    Heero deeply missed those times in the hospital when Duo was too out of it to realize he wasn’t sleeping much, that he was spending most of his time watching the longhaired boy sleep. He couldn’t do something like that now when they were rooms apart, it was too risky, too many creaky floorboards and doors to go thorough without Duo being sick and woozy and vulnerable enough to not care if Heero was constantly close to him. Still, after having Duo disappear on him for a second time, and having to think that he would never see him again made him get out of his bed in the middle of the night and sneak into Duo’s room. After two days of worrying about never finding his best friend, it was just a bit difficult for him to believe that he was back, safe in bed. He couldn’t deny what his eyes saw, though, when he closed Duo’s door behind him.  
          The longhaired boy was sleeping on his stomach, his braid trailing over his shoulder. Heero stood at the bed, watching his sleeping face. Even when Duo was supposed to be completely relaxed, he seemed edgy, ready to wake up at the slightest sigh of trouble. No one should sleep like that, Heero thought. But he didn’t blame him, if he had lived with a man who had raped him without warning at all hours of the day and night, he would be sleeping on edge, too. He smiled affectionately down at the sleeping boy. The two cats sleeping on the pillow next to Duo’s head either didn’t notice Heero’s presence or simply didn’t care. Though his fingers ached to reach out and brush Duo’s long bangs from his painfully beautiful face like he had done so many times in the hospital, Heero didn’t dare to do it. Duo was too on edge and he felt clumsy next to the longhaired boy’s feline-like grace. If Duo ever caught him doing this… just the possibility made him shudder.  
   
   
   
          Duo awoke the next morning realizing that something was different but for a few minutes, he couldn’t place what it was. He had half expected to wake up on the hotel balcony, but the sadness in Trowa’s eyes when he had told him about his past had been too real for Duo to dismiss as a dream or hallucination. He also remembered thinking about Helen and that memory brought forth a sharp pain in his chest. Duo realized that he would have to get used to that pain because it wasn’t going to go away. He couldn’t bury those memories like he had as a child and he didn’t want to.  
          It finally came to him what was different when he realized that he could read the display on the TV’s DVD player across the room in perfect detail. He smiled brightly, not even aware that he was doing so. He hadn’t been able to read things that far away for many, many years. For a brief instant, he forgot all the things that had happened yesterday and focused on that wonderful fact. He could see, not in a slight improvement, but clearly and completely. The surgery had mended the damage Wes had done to his eyes. He just wished such a simply procedure could mend all the other damage his guardian had done to him. He shook the dark thought as he rolled out of bed and got dressed. For once, something good had happened and he didn’t want his own pessimism to get in the way of that.  
   
   
          Duo didn’t know what he had expected to happen coming back to school after disappearing for two days, but it seemed like nothing had changed. For once, the other kids were chatting about the bomb threats instead of gossiping about him, or giving him weird stares. He, Heero, Quatre, and Trowa had discussed telling Wufei what had happened, but had ultimately decided against it. Wufei was their friend and Duo trusted him with the information, but he didn’t think that eh Chinese boy would understand his reasons for running away and their friendship was still a fairly tentative thing. Though, he did inform Wufei of the news concerning his vision, just like he had Name and the others. Trowa jokingly claimed that they could go out and get wasted since he was old enough and they had all laughed, but they knew they wouldn’t. Wufei was too straight laced and Duo was too anxious around drugs for any of them to be comfortable with celebrating that way.  
          Their first two classes were cancelled as Treize called the entire school into assembly about the bomb threats. Duo didn’t hear a thing he said, too preoccupied with other things. He and Name had take Patches to the vet, who had told them that she would be giving birth any day now and Duo couldn’t help but be anxious about it. He had seen a stray mutt give birth before and he had watched Shiva’s mother give birth twice, so it wasn’t a completely alien thing, but this was _his_ cat and he was worried that something was going to go wrong and he wouldn’t know what to do. He didn’t even know what he was going to do with the kittens. He wanted to wait a few months before separating them from their mother and he had promised one to Quatre already, but what if Patches had seven or eight kittens? He didn’t trust any of the local pet shops, they weren’t bad places, but he was too overprotective to give them to anyone he didn’t fully trust. Name might let him keep one or two, but he doubted she would agree to seven more cats under the roof, especially rambunctious kittens. Shiva and Sammy were bad enough and they weren’t quite kittens anymore.   
          Duo was startled out of his thoughts when Heero, who was sitting to his right, nudged his side with his elbow.  
          “Assembly’s over,” Heero whispered. Duo blushed as he realized that everyone around them was standing up and trying to leave the auditorium in a mass exodus. He barely remembered what Treize had said, just a lot of lectures about irresponsibility and immaturity, the rest he hadn’t pain attention to. He stood and hurriedly left the large room with the rest of them, his thoughts still scattered.  
          “What’s on you mind?” Heero asked in concern. He had learned that when his friend was this absent minded, it was a bad thing.  
          “Patches and something else I seem to be forgetting…” Duo’s brow furrowed as he racked his brain, trying to think of what had been bothering him since he had gotten up this morning. He knew he was forgetting something, nothing important, but obvious enough that it was irritating him.  
          “Well, I’m sure you’ll remember what it is and Patches will be fine. If something goes wrong, Trowa worked with a lot of pregnant animals in the circus. Everything will be fine.”  
          It was a senseless assurance, but it still made Duo feel a little bit better. He followed Heero back to the biology classroom and they sat down next to each other, like they always did. Une marched into the classroom with a huge stack of papers in her arms, gaining a raised eyebrow from students like Heero, who had only gone to school there for a short time, cheers from the ‘veterans’, and a groan from Duo, who suddenly realized what it was he had forgotten.  
          “What’s going on?” Heero whispered Duo glared at him.  
          “Listen and you’ll find out,” he hissed back, worried the tone would hear them.  
          “But I want to hear it from _you_ ,” Heero teased stubbornly. Duo rolled his eyes.  
          “Every year, some of the Middle school honor students and the entire High school go on a field trip to Boston for five days,” Duo explained with a wistful tone.  
          “Then why do you look so upset about it?” Heero whispered, confused, “It sounds like fun and you told me you’ve never left this town.”  
          “Because Wes never would have let me leave his sight, and my job for so long,” Duo pointed out, “and even if he had, this trip isn’t free. You have to shell out fifty bucks and lunch and dinner aren’t covered. I could never let go of that kind of cash for something so… trivial.”   
          Heero’s expression turned sad and apologetic as he realized he hadn’t used his head again. He wanted to protest that a little bit of fun and freedom was never trivial, especially considering what Duo’s life had been like back then, but he knew what he was saying. Those fifty dollars he had needed for food and clothes, not a field trip. Still, he felt devastated at the thought of his friend staying behind while his classmates were enjoying themselves in another state. What he hated was the depressed look on Duo’s face right _now_. He hated that the boy frequently got trapped in his past and forgot his present.  
          “There’s no reason why you can’t go this year,” Heero insisted. Duo instantly brightened as he realized he finally had the money to go on the trip.  
          “But I need a guardian’s permission. Duo you really think your Mom will let us go out of town for that long?” he whispered. Heero snorted lightly.  
          “Of course she will, and if she doesn’t, just give her your best puppy eyes and she won’t be able to say no,” the Japanese boy said with confidence, smirking when Duo rolled his eyes at him. The two boys quieted when Une cleared her throat to speak.  
          “As most of you are probably aware, a week from now is our annual trip to Boston. Each of you will go home today with a packet of information entailing what we will be doing each day, emergency contacts, what you will need to bring, the school’s rules for field trips, and the permission slip your guardian will need to sigh. I don’t think I need to tell you what will happen if any of you are caught forging your parents’ signatures,” the longhaired teacher gave her students a stern look, which gained her a few nervous chuckles.  
          “Because of the local economic issues this town has been going through lately, the price for going on this field trip has been raised from 50 to 75 dollars,” Une informed them. Several students groaned, mostly the ones whose parent’s were on a tight-budget this year and the ones that had to pay for the trip themselves. Duo felt a strange sort of glee as he realized that, ironically, he could still afford to go.  
          “This money will pay for transportation, your hotel room, and the breakfasts you will be having at the hotel. As always, lunch and dinner and any shopping you wish to do is separate,” Une continued, handing out the packets to her students.  
          “Also like last year, to cut back on room costs, you will be sharing a three bed room with five pre-selected classmates. The lists will be posted today after lunch. If you wish to switch with someone you’re friendly with, it must be done at the end of this week, no later. I suggest you talk to a teacher about this quickly if you don’t want to be separated from your friends.”  
          Duo paled a little. Believing he would never be allowed, and could never afford to go, he had never given the trip a serious thought. The thought of sharing a room with a strange boy scared him and he didn’t want to go if that happened. What if, worst case scenario, he got paired with Zechs? In the past, the trip to Boston had always been a bittersweet thing for him. It meant staying behind as a very few minority that couldn’t afford it, but it also meant freedom from Zechs, who always went on the trip, for an entire school week. He didn’t think Treize or Une would condone him sharing a room with Zechs Merquise, but he was only one kid out of hundreds and he was used to being left behind or ignored.  
          Heero looked over at Duo again and felt the urge to hold his hand at the look on his face. He knew exactly what his friend was thinking and he refused to have him in some strange hotel room, in a strange city, with strange boys. It sounded like a panic attack waiting to happen. That, and the idea of sharing a room with him like they had during their sleepovers excited the primal urges in his body that he had yet to successfully repress. He would have gotten out of his seat and held Duo’s hand, their classmates and teacher be damned, if he hadn’t known that the unwanted attention would bother the longhaired boy. He also hoped that his mother would let them go. He thought that this trip would do a bit of good for Duo, a chance to get out of town, for the first time in his entire life, and to have some fun away from all the bad stuff. But, it could be bad, too. Boston was loud and crowded and it would be a strange place to Duo. Heero, Quatre, and Trowa had been to Boston a few times when they were younger with their respective parents and guardians, but Duo had not once left this little Maine town, so a big city would probably be very scary to him and his issues with personal space. His friend was doing much better in social situations than he had when he had first been released from the hospital, but he was still very skittish and prone to anxiety. What if walking around in such a big place gave him another panic attack? Heero wasn’t sure if he could handle it without his mother’s silent guidance. He was sure that his mom would think of all these things and it wasn’t exactly clear if this trip would be mostly good or bad for Duo, but simply because he seemed excited to go, Heero wanted to give him that chance.  
          “Lastly, but most importantly, I want you all to be on your best behavior. Any incident will give you a one way ticket home and either detention or suspension. You will be representing, no only this school and town, but this state. Please do not embarrass the rest of us,” Une finished gruffly, “Now, let’s continue where we left off last week and put all this bomb talk behind us, shall we?”  
   
   
   
   
          Heero liked to think that he knew his best friend pretty well after taking care of him when he was too sick and weak to do it himself and living with him for months now, so he wasn’t surprised to find Duo checking the room lists as soon as they finished lunch. The four of them followed him, even Wufei who, unlike Heero, Quatre, and Trowa, had never been to Boston and was quite excited by the news of a trip there.  
          “So, where are we?” Trowa asked, slinging an arm around Duo’s slim shoulders. Heero watched them carefully as Duo only gave a tiny flinch. It was gratifying to Heero that he was still the only one Duo felt truly relaxed around, but he found it ironic that Duo seemed to be more comfortable around Trowa than Quatre, especially since Duo had been so scared of him when they had first met. Something had happened between the two of them when Duo had been missing, something that had given him more trust for Trowa. Heero wanted to know what ground breaking thing could have broken down Duo’s iron-clad barriers, but he knew that it wasn’t really his business. Trowa was his friend, but if he didn’t want to tell him what he and Duo had talked about, he wouldn’t push him.   
          Duo’s eyes widened as he finally found his assigned room and his breath caught in his throat.  
          “What is it?” Heero asked worriedly, his view obstructed by Trowa’s height. Had Duo really been paired up with Zechs, or someone just as bad?   
          “We’re all in the same room together,” the Italian explained. Suddenly, a frustrated, but determined look in his eyes, Duo stormed off towards Une’s office.  
          “What was that about?” Wufei questioned in confusion, trying to figure out what had happened to set Duo off. Wasn’t it a good thing that the five of them were rooming together? Being Duo’s friend was frustrating at times because he was so hard to understand and follow. Since he had given up on courting the longhaired boy and he was no longer blinded by ideas of lust or romance, he could see that a relationship between the two of them could never last. Trying to follow Duo’s mood changes gave him a headache, they just didn’t think or act on the same wave lengths and when he was this frustrated, he usually gave up. Unless he truly believed something would come out of it, Wufei wasn’t stubborn. Now, Heero was stubborn. Wufei knew the Japanese boy would follow Duo all over the planet, whether or not it would accomplish anything, because Heero Yuy didn’t know _how_ to give up. Wufei could admit, jealously, that that was exactly what Duo needed, someone so stubborn and invested in him that they would either never let him fall into darkness again, or keep him company in that darkness, because they couldn’t quit. Heero didn’t disappoint Wufei’s theory this time around, either. He was already running after his best friend in a split second.  
          “Catch you later!” Heero called back, almost as an after thought. Wufei knew he should feel offended, but the three of them knew, when competing with Duo for Heero’s attention, they would always be just second best.  
   
   
   
   
          “Duo, wait!”   
          Duo stopped walking as he heard Heero call out to him, giving him a vaguely annoyed look that Heero simply ignored. The blue-eyed boy put a hand on Duo’s arm unconsciously as though he thought that Duo would bolt anyway.  
          “What’s wrong?” Heero asked, “Why are you so upset about this? This is what we wanted.”  
          “But that’s exactly the problem!” Duo insisted, “We’re all from different grades and different classes, there’s no way that we were paired up randomly!” Duo sighed tiredly, “Look, I’m not used to be people going out of their way to make things better for me, ok? It’s like, as soon as I uttered ‘rape’, everyone thinks I can’t do anything on my own and that isn’t fair! You and Name know more about my past than Une does, but you respect me. You let me figure things out on my own without treating me like a little kid. The worst either of you have done was your mother assuming I wouldn’t mind living with you guys, but she still let the final choice be mine and the only reason why she did any of that was because she knew that at the time I would be too overwhelmed to make the right choice. Yes, I want to room with you guys, but I hate that Une or Treize went out of their ways to give me what I want. I’m just one kid, why do I warrant their special attention and why can’t they let me do things on my own without assuming what I’d want?” Duo seemed to deflate as he finished his rant. Heero watched him with a slightly raised eyebrow.  
          “I’m being stupid, aren’t I?” Duo asked in a small voice.  
          “A little,” Heero admitted with a soft smile, “I can see how this might bother you, I’d be upset if I thought people were treating me like an invalid, but you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, Duo. Yes, they should have asked what you wanted, but them going out of their way just means that they care. Now, do you want to talk to her?”  
          Duo shook his head.  
          “No, I guess not,” he admitted, “Though I feel bad if we can’t go and Trowa, Quatre, or Wufei have to room with strangers. Those pre-lists are pretty stupid, if you think about it. Half of those kids won’t be able to go this year and they’ll have to shuffle people around again. And it’s only a three bedroom. Who’s going to get the beds and who has to bring the sleeping bags or air mattress? Or should we just share beds?”  
          Heero chuckled as the energy Duo had had for his anger and frustration was diverted to his excitement for the trip.  
          “We’ll just have to flip on it.”  
   
   
   
   
          Heero was surprised that Duo and Quatre were the two that were the most excited with the idea of going to Boston for a week, considering that one was half terrified to go because of his fear of crowds and the other had gone several times, but as Heero drove the four of them home after school, his two friends couldn’t stop talking about it. Trowa gave him a look that was partially suffering and partially affectionate. Heero had to agree, seeing Duo acting like a child for once made his heart melt.   
          The four of them entered the house laughing and in good spirits, but when they entered the hallway and saw Name waiting for them at the foot of the stairs, they became silent, none of them daring to speak.   
          “Duo, it’s time,” she said simply. Duo didn’t seem to need more information than that. A serious expression crossed his face and he followed her to her bedroom. When he realized where they were going, Hero figured out what was going on fairly quickly. A stone-like feeling settled in his gut as Name ushered Duo into the room.  
          “Trowa, we’ll need you, too,” she told the tall boy, who nodded and followed duo into the bedroom.  
          “Heero, Quatre, stay here,” she insisted. Neither of them protested, not used to the birthing process like the other three were and a bit afraid of it. Heero watched anxiously as his mother shut the door behind her. He and Quatre shared a somber look, but neither said a word.  
  
End Part 4  
  



	25. Surgery Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patches finally gives birth. The gang goes off on their field trip to Boston.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 5  
  
  
     If someone had told Heero that at some point in his life, his stomach would be in knots over a few baby cats, he would have laughed in their faces, but here he was, standing outside his mother’s bedroom, stifling the urge to pace. Quatre was silent and still next to him, leaning against the wall with his arms folded over his chest, the worried, anxious look in his blue-green eyes destroying his calm façade. There was a part of Heero that insisted it was ridiculous for all of them to be so wound up in some cats, but he didn’t really believe that. At one point, Shiva came over to investigate what was going on, but quickly became bored when she realized that Duo wasn’t around to dispense strokes, food, or toys and wandered off again. The two boys could hear a few sounds from beyond the heavy door, the noise of indiscernible talking, some of Patches’ stressed mews, and a few other sounds that they couldn’t identify. It seemed like forever, but it was only a few hours when the door opened and Trowa came out, looking slightly flushed, but with a brilliant gleam in his eyes that Quatre had never seen before and made his heart hurt with a bitter mix of jealousy, doubt, and affection. Heero noticed the look, but didn’t say anything. He knew that Trowa missed the circus and working with animals, it was something that was obvious, but it was also something that Trowa and Quatre had to figure out for themselves. Trowa had to sacrifice a lot for a relationship with Quatre and the blonde was finally realizing that fact. Eventually, they would have to decide which one would have to sacrifice what for the both of them to be happy. Heero wasn’t worried, though. Having Duo, someone down to Earth and out of popular social circles, was making Trowa more bold and open, and seeing him like that had probably shown Quatre that his lover was having a hard time coping with his wealth. Their relationship had lasted so long, Heero doubted his friends were stupid enough to let it die by just not talking it out. In the meantime, Heero was glad that Duo and Trowa had each other, it helped to keep them grounded. Duo needed all the kind, understanding friends he could get.  
          “Come in,” Trowa urged excitedly. Quatre and Heero couldn’t help but smile seeing him that way and followed him inside.   
            
          Patches was lying on a pillow in the corner of the room and Heero stared in amazement at the little… things nestled against her, the tired mother cat diligently cleaning them with her tongue.   
          “They’re so… tiny,” Heero said in shock. He knew that the kittens would be small, but they reminded him more of gerbils than cats. Trowa chuckled at him.  
          “They may seem little now, but you’ll miss this when they start to get bigger,” his green eyed friend promised. As cute as the tiny balls of fur were, Heero found his eyes glued to Duo who was watching the kittens with a peaceful, loving, enthralled expression, standing next to Name. That expression made Heero’s heart pound and he found it a very difficult thing to look away from the beautiful, rare sight of a very happy Duo. He walked over and stood next to him carefully, not wanting to lose that smile.  
          “How many?” he asked in a soft voice, not taking his eyes off of Duo, struggling with a very physical effort not to try and hold his hand, or worse, kiss him.  
          “Seven,” Duo said in a giddy tone, “Five girls and two boys. There are two Calicos, an all black, three tiger striped, and an all grey.”  
          Heero’s eyes widened.  
          “That’s a lot of cats,” he pointed out.  
          “Well, I promised one of the tigers to Quatre and your mom said I could keep the black one. She’s the runt of the litter and there’s something wrong with her left front paw. The others will probably be adopted quickly, but she’ll probably be… forgotten, put down if we give her to a shelter, which I won’t do,” Duo whispered, a hardened, bitter look in his eyes that Heero hated. The Japanese boy knew that Duo was thinking of his own childhood and also knew that his friend wouldn’t let the cat, no matter what was wrong with it, either die, or be neglected. Not only would he hate himself for it, Duo didn’t have it in him to be that sort of person. Heero looked over at the horde of baby cats and saw a small ball of black fur, even smaller than the others, not drinking milk or being cleaned like the others, shivering slightly. He had heard of mother cats eating the weakest of the litter, or maybe that was wild dogs, he couldn’t remember, but the black kitten looked like it was barely even alive, let alone able to defend itself.   
          “Will they be ok around the other cats?” he worried. Duo shook his head.   
          “The males just won’t want anything to do with them. Toby was like that when Shiva and Sammy were younger, but he never hurt them. The females are socialized, so they won’t feel threatened by the kittens. They’re cute, aren’t they? I can’t believe Patches had seven of them and she’s doing so well!” Duo said excitedly, the same gleam in his eyes as Trowa’s. A lesser man would have been thrown by Duo’s sudden change from agitation to joy, but Heero was starting to get used to the boy’s strange moods enough to follow him without getting a headache.   
          “You’ll help me take care of them, right?”  
          The Japanese boy paled a little at the thought of being trusted with such small, vulnerable creatures.  
          “I… I don’t know how,” he confessed. He had never taken care of anything, a cactus, a fish, not even a pet rock. The sight of the little, weak, black kitten scared him. He had beaten boys twice his side to a bloody pulp, holding something so fragile and small was out of his league.   
          “It’s easy,” Duo assured him, “Patches will do most of the work for awhile, we just need to help out. It’s kind of like babysitting.”  
          “I’ve never babysat, either,” Heero said with a roll of his eyes. Duo gave him a warm, affectionate look that made his heart start to race again.  
          “I’ll lead you through it,” Duo promised, but there was a worried look in his violet eyes as he looked at the kittens. Heero found the same look echoed in his mother and Trowa’s eyes as they all realized that, even with its mother so close, the black kitten still showed no interest in feeding, or even snuggling with her sisters and brothers, like the others were. With a terribly sad look, Duo walked over to the cats and kneeled down. Heero half expected Patches to take a swipe at him when the longhaired boy reached his hand out to her, but either she was too tired to care or trusted him completely, she merely purred weakly when he scratched her ears with one hand and gently picked up the black kitten with other. Heero felt overwhelmed at how the kitten’s size was brought to attention by how she was dwarfed by Duo’s slender hand. The mother cat made no movement as the teenage boy took her smallest baby away from her, merely continued to nurse and clean the others.   
          The little black kitten shivered in Duo’s hand, its eyes shut, just like the others, but somehow looked more pathetic and vulnerable. Duo rubbed his finger against her head and she seemed to settle only slightly at his touch. Heero could see what his friend had meant about her front leg; it was thinner than the rest of her body and was curled up tightly to her chest, as though she refused to move it.   
          “Duo, she needs her mother’s milk,” Trowa pointed out, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder, “If she doesn’t get the right nutrients, she’s going to get sick.”  
          Duo nodded, cradling the baby cat to his chest, a broken expression on his face. Heero realized that, if the kitten died, Duo would be devastated. To Duo, animals were just as important as people, he would take any of the cats’ deaths like a mother would a child. He would probably even blame himself for it, thinking he should have done something to prevent it. Heero refused to let that happen. Duo’s equal love for his cats and his friends was something that he treasured and loved about him.   
          “How can you make her eat?” he asked. Trowa sighed.  
          “She’s underdeveloped, even for a newborn. There might be something wrong with her immune system or she might have not gotten enough nourishment before being born. Whatever the case, she’s weak enough that food isn’t even enticing her at this point and her muscles aren’t what they should be,” he explained, “She’ll have to be force fed. The easiest way is with a bottle, I don’t think we’ll be able to force her to drink Patches’ milk at this point.”  
          “The vet gave me some formula in case this happened,” Duo murmured, lightly stroking the little creature’s tail, hoping that the heat from his hands would keep her from shivering so violently. Name patted his back, smiling gently.  
          “I’ll warm it up, Trowa can look after the other kittens, ok?” she prodded. Heero followed the two of them as they walked out of the room; Quatre looking conflicted between helping his lover with the healthy kittens and helping his friends with the sick ones, but eventually decided not to leave Trowa alone.  
   
   
            
   
          It was an odd feeling, watching his mother get a bottle together for the kitten with such care and seeing a glimpse of what she might have been like when he had been a baby. He wondered if she had been so precise and intensely focused on him. Even when he was little, he remembered her being strict, though he had never once doubted her love for him, even when they bumped heads, which was frequently. He wasn’t sure what was more affecting, his mother’s gentle look as she handed Duo the bottle of warm milk or the look on his best friend’s face as he tried to feed the newest addition to their family. The kitten seemed despondent at first, not caring about the food even as Name tried to encourage her in a soft voice. Heero watched in utter amazement as Duo stroked the cat’s spine and the tiny creature finally found either the energy or the comfort to latch onto the bottle and suckle weakly.   
          “Good girl,” Duo murmured, his face lighting up in relief, a look that filled Heero’s insides with warmth.  
          “She has to be fed regularly and kittens can’t go to the bathroom on their own. You’ll have to either put a light pressure on her stomach and spine, or put something wet and warm there to help her go,” Duo told Name. Heero half expected her to look annoyed or surprised, he had had no idea baby animals needed that sort of help, he was sure that human babies didn’t, but Name just smiled at Duo in amusement.   
          “You don’t mind, do you?” the longhaired boy asked worriedly, “I know you said she’s my responsibility…”  
          Name silenced him by ruffling his bangs.  
          “And you’re doing a very good job from where I’m standing. It would be irresponsible of me to not take care of her just because you can’t while you’re at school and you’re certainly not taking her with you. Just show me what to do and I’ll do it. But, Duo,” she cautioned warily, looking at the scrawny creature Duo was feeding, “We don’t know what’s wrong with her. It’ll cost hundreds of dollars, maybe even thousands, to treat her. What if she doesn’t even last the end of the week? Are you willing to deal with that? None of us would blame you for picking one of the healthy ones.”  
          Duo’s eyes hardened.   
          “At the very least, I can give her a chance. She deserves that much,” he said in a determined tone, “I can’t just give up on her so quickly.”  
          Heero smiled at his friend’s words. It was just like Duo to take on an impossible-seeming task to help someone, or something, worse off than him. After all, even when he was poor, hurt, and starving, he had tried to take care of all of his cats.  
          “What else does she need?” Heero asked as Duo put the bottle of milk down on the counter.  
          “Well, I need to take her to the vet tomorrow to see what’s wrong with her, but for tonight she needs someplace warm. Newborn kittens are incapable of producing much body heat. Three of Shiva’s brothers and sisters died the winter they were born because we couldn’t get them warm enough,” Duo said with a slightly haunted look, “Patches will keep the others warm, but I’m afraid that this one needs more attention that she can’t give with six other kittens. I’ll keep her in my bed for a few weeks, that should keep her warm.”   
          “Clean up, I’ll check on Patches,” Name said with a nod, leaving the two boys alone in the kitchen. Duo cradled the kitten against his body again, his fingers lightly stroking her ears until she appeared to either settle or fall asleep, it was hard for Heero to tell since her eyes were closed.   
          “You’re really good with her,” he said softly, “With all of them. I know you have problems dealing with people, but you seem a lot more confident around animals.”  
          Duo blushed a little.  
          “Animals I can understand,” he murmured, “but people… I don’t think I’ll ever understand why we do the things we do to each other. I’ve studied psychology a little and I know that some people are just… sick… but, we hurt each other, every day, all around the world. Animals hurt each other for food, territory, the right to mate, but people hurt each other because it seems like they enjoy it, or because they simply hate each other. I guess I could never understand that kind of reasoning.”  
          “You must hate me, then,” Heero said in a somber tone, “Knowing what I’ve done in the past, that I’ve let my anger control me and that I’ve enjoyed hurting others, because it helped me deal with my own pain.”  
          Duo shook his head.  
          “You’re not so one sided. We all have our own demons, I learned that a long time ago, and while I don’t like that you’ve let your emotions turn you into that sort of person, I know you’re kind, too. And I know that you have the ability to stop, not a lot of people have that.”   
          “I suppose, going through the abuse you’ve suffered has given you the strongest sort of deterrent against becoming someone like that,” Heero said sadly.  
          “Not entirely,” Duo said mournfully, “I’ve been so angry, I’ve had people that I wanted to hurt, but I was so scared, I could never do anything, and… in the end… I couldn’t see the point in it. I knew that it would never make me feel better. I guess… I could never see the point in cruelty, to either people or animals. I see it everyday, kids hurting animals, parents hurting their kids, but I could never understand it. I lived with Wes for so many years, but I could never figure out why he did… what he did, why he chose me to do it. I think I could live for a hundred years and never come to terms with that,” Duo looked away from Heero sharply, feeling tears prick his eyes. Yes, he could live for an eternity and he didn’t think he would ever forgive Wes for what he had done, or begin to understand why hurting him, taking what he had had no right to take, had made the man so happy, or why he had thought it was his… privilege to do so, just because he could.  He tensed in surprise as Heero suddenly hugged him, careful of the cat in between them.   
          “Then don’t understand it,” the Japanese boy whispered, “But know that not everyone in the world is like that. You’re not like that, my family isn’t like that. You won’t have to deal with that man anymore, you don’t have to understand why he hurt you. Don’t let him win by thinking of him for the rest of your life,” Heero smiled, but it was a little bit forced, “Now, what are you going to name this little rag doll?” he asked, rubbing the kitten’s ear.  
          “Shei,” Duo answered with a small smile.   
   
   
   
   
   
          “No,” Name snapped as she cut up some vegetables for their dinner. Heero stood behind her, his arms crossed over his chest defensively while Duo sat at the kitchen table, Shei in his palm as he gently massaged her underdeveloped front leg.   
          “Mom-,” Heero tried to protest.  
          “No, Heero, it’s the worst idea in a long line of bad ideas!” she whirled to face him, then turned to Duo, who was looking at her with wide eyes.  
          “Is this really what you want?” she asked, “Or are you letting Heero bully you into it? I’d have though you’d want to stay here with Shei next week, not go running around Boston. Do you really think you’re up to this?”  
          “Heero didn’t bully me,” Duo murmured, “It was my decision. I want to go on the trip, I’ve wanted to go ever since I first went to school. The vet said that Shei has some kind of… disorder, but once she starts to develop more and builds up her muscles, she should be ok,” he pointed out. He had been very relieved to learn of that fact yesterday, after waiting for hours for the vet to tell him if his kitten was going to live or die. It had turned out that Shei’s disorder was a lot like his anemia, it made her weak and her immune system wasn’t even what her siblings’ were, but as long as he took proper care of her, she would live to see adulthood. At first, he had considered not going on the trip, but he realized that, not only would he be letting down his friends, there wasn’t anything that he could do that Name couldn’t. There was that, plus the fact that he really did want to go. The last time he had indulged in doing something, simply because he wanted to, not because he had to or that it would be a good thing for him was… well… deciding to sleep over at Heero’s the first time, despite knowing what Wes would do to him afterwards. He wanted to leave this town, even if it was for only a few days. It wasn’t just because it would be good for him, like Heero believed, he didn’t care about that, he was just very curious about what Boston was like. He wanted to see things he had never seen before, just kick back with his friends and experience something he had never done before… be normal. It was very difficult to do that when the entire city he lived in reminded him of his ‘past’ life. He didn’t know if Name could see those feelings in his eyes, but her own expression softened. Though she sighed heavily, Duo could tell she was partially joking.  
          “Well, I guess it would be cruel of me to say you couldn’t go just because the two of you are perpetually giving me ulcers. You’re long overdue for a good vacation, but if anything goes wrong and I mean _anything_ , you have to call me. I want you to keep both of your cell phones on at all times, Trowa and Quatre’s as well,” she lectured, “and I’m paying the transportation, you two can figure out the rest,” Duo opened his mouth to protest, but Name cut him off quickly, “No negotiations, Duo. I’m sure that I’m not the only parent paying for the trip and as long you live with us, I _am_ your parent.”  
          Her words sent an intense heat through Duo’s stomach, strong enough to almost make him flinch, but he refused to show the affect her sentiment had on him. A bit of movement caught his eye and he watched cautiously as Shiva sauntered into the room. She was the second youngest of his original brood and he was a bit worried about how she would react to Shei. The first two nights, he had kept Shei in a laundry basket filled with warm blankets by his bedside, so she wouldn’t fall off the bed and Shiva and Sammy had seemed to take the hint that they weren’t allowed to investigate the basket, but now there were no barriers with Shei napping in his hand. He had told Heero not to worry about the kittens interacting with the adult cats, but when Shiva finally noticed the youngest addition in her master’s hand and walked up to check it out, Duo felt a spike of fear. He stayed stock still as the older black cat put her paws on his legs and stretched her body to sniff at the black ball of fur. The three humans watched in amazement as Shiva nudged Shei with her nose and, when Shei gave out a tiny mewl, Shiva rubbed her head against the kitten, cleaning her with her tongue, then jumping up into Duo’s lap to snuggle with the baby cat. Duo smiled affectionately at them, letting Shei curl up on his knee and stroking both of their ears.   
          “Good girl,” he cooed, Shiva purring at the sound of his voice.   
          “How’s her leg?” Name asked, keeping her voice low.   
          “She’ll have problems getting around for about a month, the vet said,” Duo explained, “Something about her lack of muscle mass and how it’s worse in that leg than the others. She just needs to exercise it when she starts walking in a few days. She’ll open her eyes this week, probably, and be able to eat solid food in a few weeks. She’ll be able to go to the bathroom on her own before that,” he told Name.   
          “Well, it looks like you have everything under control,” Name said with an amused smile, “at least the other kittens aren’t so high maintenance, with your calico doing all the work, where would you like for them to go when their three weeks are up?”  
          Duo chewed on his lip at the question. In the last two days, his attention had been stretched thin by school, work, Shei, and playing with the other kittens who were developing better than the black kitten was, and though they were all still blind, they were capable of a little play, even if they slept most of the day, like most babies did. The knowledge that he would have to give them away in only four weeks, at the most, made him feel anxious. It would be the hardest part, not the giving away, but finding them homes. It all boiled down to what he and Heero had talked about two nights ago… cruelty. When he had first met Wes, he had thought ‘here was a man that sets me completely ill at ease, yet he wants to help me, so maybe he is a good person.’ With that thought, it had been all too easy to go with him years later with the promise of food. No, he hadn’t trusted him completely, no street kid knew that sort of trust, but because he had remembered a man that could hurt him and, at the time, had not, he had found it just slightly easier to go with him. Looking at the blonde man, though his eyes had been cold, there hadn’t really been any signs indicating the sort of man he had turned out to be. You could never tell who would turn out to be a bastard and who would be your savior. When he had first met Heero, he had had him pegged as a genuine asshole and look how that had turned out. How was he supposed to trust his judgment with the people taking his kittens when he couldn’t do it for himself? There was no way he was giving them over to someone who might hurt them, in any shape or form, but how could he tell that the people were good?   
          “I haven’t figured that out yet,” he admitted, “I don’t want to give them to a shelter, definitely not a pet store.”  
          “I have a solution,” Trowa said from the doorway, Cassy in his arms, rubbing her head against his hand, begging for attention, “If you really can’t trust anyone, and I don’t blame you if you don’t, Quatre has 29 sisters and about ten of them would be glad to have some cats for themselves or their children.”  
          Duo immediately brightened at the idea. He didn’t know Quatre’s family, but he trusted his blonde friend to know what sister would treat the cats right.  
          “Uh, thanks,” he stammered out. Trowa smiled at him and walked over to ruffle his hair, which Duo grumbled at.  
          “I take it I’ll have to sign your and Quatre’s admittance forms, too?” Name asked dryly, “I doubt your sister has a fax machine and Shahir will treat it as a practical joke.”  
          Trowa thought about that, he hadn’t even considered what he and his lover were going to do for their forms, though he supposed he didn’t really need it since he was over 18, but Quatre was out of luck. His father didn’t even know that his ‘golden son’ was taking public school classes, let alone going on a field trip.  
          “Yes please, mother dear,” Trowa teased.  
          “Don’t get cheeky with me, Trowa Triton-Bloom Barton, you’re not too old, or too tall, for me to pull you over my knee,” Name warned good naturedly.   
          ‘Triton-Bloom?’ Duo mouthed to Heero, who was struggling to hold in his laughter at Trowa’s wide eyed look.  
          “Yes, ma’am,” Trowa said quickly.  
   
   
   
   
   
          Despite Duo’s view of himself as someone that had lived several lifetimes in a span of only a few years, there were a lot things he had never done before that he probably should have. He had never packed a suitcase before. He had never ridden in a school bus before. He had never had to use a check list to get by for an entire week. He had also never had to follow an animal around to make sure it wouldn’t walk into a wall, but here he was dealing with all of those things. It was two days before he and his friends got to go on the trip to Boston and he was currently trying to pack what he needed into one of Name’s old, navy suitcases. It was a new sensation for him, to have so many things, that he actually had to make a decision what could be taken with him. It seemed like ages ago since he could fit all of his position in his old, beat up duffle bag. Among the packet of papers Une had given them was a check list for all of the things they would need to bring, but Duo was still finding it hard to decide what was necessary and what wasn’t. Quatre had commented an hour ago, watching him struggle with what sort of shirts he should bring, that he was a boy scout, always prepared for anything, and Duo supposed that, in a way, he was. He knew, better than most, that anything could happen, and it was always better to have something you would never need than to be without something that could very well save your life. So, while packing what was ‘most necessary’, he couldn’t help but second guess himself and go through every scenario, even ones that were completely insane. Heero said it was just… in his nature. Taking a school bus wasn’t such a problem for him since he reasoned it was probably a lot like taking a city bus, only there were just his classmates with him and the ride was going to take five hours instead of five minutes.   
          On top of all of his anxieties about the trip, Duo was also dealing with Shei, who had finally opened her eyes a few days ago. The event had been both a blessing and a curse for him, because it drove home to him that his little kitten was never going to be completely healthy. Whatever disorder, something Trowa had no problem pronouncing, but Duo stumbled over, had made Shei weak and her leg underdeveloped had also made her blind in her left eye. Her right was a brilliant yellow, just like Shiva’s, but her left was a hauntingly beautiful mix between a light blue, silver, and white with no pupil at all. To Duo, it looked a lot like the glowing full moon and ever since then, Trowa had been calling her ‘Luna’, which had prompted Heero to make jokes about something called ‘Sailor Moon’, which Duo didn’t understand. Her newly awakened sight had given the kitten a sort of courage she had never displayed before. Usually, she would stay with contact with Duo, terrified of the world around her, her only real actions licking Duo’s fingers and mewling, but now that her good eye was open, she was constantly limping around. Duo had instinctually followed her around the first time she had tried to walk around and he was glad that he had. With only one good eye and little motor skills between her age and her game leg, the kitten frequently bumped into things, the legs of the nightstand, the walls, Duo was terrified that if he didn’t stalk her, she would fall down the steps or walk into something that could end up hurting her little body. It never ceased to amaze him how quickly she became attached to him and he couldn’t help but worry about what would happen when he was gone on the trip, but he trusted Name to take care of Shei.   
          As he stood at the bed, folding his shirts, the black kitten rubbed her head against his foot, the only part she could reach with her size, and mewed pitifully for his attention. Shiva and Sammy watched this with interest from their spots on the bed. Duo gently picked her up and let her lick his cheek.  
          “It’ll be ok,” he assured her, the cat’s little purrs at the sound of his voice, the voice of the only being that had ever cared for her, soothed his anxieties. She placed the paw of her hurt leg on Duo’s cheek and rubbed her head against his skin affectionately.   
          “Name’s been following her around while we’ve been at school,” Trowa said as he walked into the bedroom. Duo stared at him, trying not to laugh at the image of the powerful woman following his kitten around to make sure she didn’t hurt herself.  
          “Really?”  
          Trowa nodded.  
          “I caught her when we got home today,” he said with a chuckle, “She was following her like a guard dog.”  
          A surprised laugh bubbled out of Duo’s throat.  
          “You have nothing to worry about,” Trowa assured him, “I promise you, Duo, you will do fine. You’ll be safe, we all will be, and your kitten will be fine.”  
          Duo gave him a grateful smile that made Trowa’s heart clench at how much trust the longhaired boy had in him.  
          “You’re right. I’m not going to run away anymore and if Wes hasn’t made a move here, there’s no way he’s going to follow me to Boston. My head knows that, my nerves just need to catch up to that fact,” he said, the two boys watching as Shei curled up in his cupped palm, “She’s just so fragile, and I have to admit, I’m a bit scared. I’ve never gone anywhere before and I hate being unprepared.”  
          Trowa squeezed his shoulder.  
          “Like I said, I promise you, we’ll keep you safe,” he swore.  
          “I believe you,” Duo said.  
   
   
   
            
            
          Duo had never had to deal with what Heero called a ‘spastic Mom’ before, but he could see how most would consider it nerve wracking as Name had bombarded him and Heero with orders as they four of them practically ran out the door with suitcases and duffle bags. It was still hard for him to believe that they were really doing this. He supposed he was just as bad, though, as all he could say to Name in the last hour before they had to go to the school to get on the bus was what to do to take care of Shei. The amused smile on Heero and Trowa’s faces had been worth it, though, despite his anxiety over leaving his animals alone. Behind his anxieties and fear, he felt a very intense excitement over the trip as they piled into Heero’s car and drove to the school. He had never really considered himself a parent before, but even Quatre had poked fun at him acting like Name with the prospect of leaving for a week. He still didn’t know what scared him more, being away from people and things that he cared about, or doing something that he had never done before, far away from the comforts he had been given the last few months. Well… that wasn’t entirely true. A lot of his comforts were now sitting next to him on the school bus, along with about fifty other students. Duo leaned his forehead against the cool glass of the window as Une prattled on about hotel room numbers and where they were going to stop to have dinner, as well as remarking that there weren’t nearly as many students as last year as she stood at the front of the bus. He felt Heero stiffen next to him and looked over in confusion. His violet eyes met with Zechs’ light blue ones momentarily, the taller boy sneering at him, but Duo looked over at the window again, ignoring him. Only Heero noticed the furious look Zechs gave the back of Duo’s head.  
          “Move forward, Merquise,” Une snapped from the front of the bus. Zechs growled at her, but walked forward as the people behind him grumbled that he was holding up the line. Heero fought the urge to childishly stick his tongue out at Zechs’ back, but decided to be the ‘better man’ about it. He certainly felt that way with Duo’s shoulder pressed against his as they sat in the small seat together. It felt so good, that gentle pressure, feeling Duo’s warmth against him. He asked himself, it seemed like everyday, why he could never tell him how he felt about him. He figured it boiled down to a several things. He was afraid of rejection, who wouldn’t be when they were facing their first, true love, not to mention that that love was his best friend? One of the biggest reasons was Duo’s past. He was afraid that if he ever confessed to being in love with him, Duo would panic or feel obligated, just because he didn’t want Heero to be angry or disappointed at him. Also, Duo was the defining point of his sexuality. His engagement with Relena and his inability to have sex with her had made him question it, and he had always known that he was capable of feeling things for both sexes, but what he felt for Duo seemed so powerful, he couldn’t imagine feeling anything like it for a girl. Still, he had never had an actual homosexual relationship before and he would have to be an idiot not to be a little bit scared. But, there was also the fact that he didn’t need it to be happy. Yes, it hurt, knowing he would never be able to touch Duo in the way he really wanted, but feeling him next to him was so wonderful, it was enough for him. Something so little, something that was so incredible for him, had never been enough for a greedy bastard like Zechs who had had to take everything, things that he had no right to take. Heero could never do that, he was just glad for any small bit of affection Duo could give him. But he would never steal it, even if it had to hurt for the rest of his life.   
          Duo jolted in shock as the bus started suddenly and started to move. Before he could even automatically grab Heero’s hand, his best friend’s larger hand was around his, squeezing tight.  
          “You ok?” Heero asked softly, his voice nearly overshadowed by the cheers and loud voices of the other students. Duo nodded.  
          “I’ll be fine,” he assured him, “It’s just weird, you know? I’ve never left this town in my entire life. I was born here, I think, and I thought that I would die here without seeing a different sky. Now, it feels like it’s so soon, like I’m too young for this to happen. I didn’t even have to sell my soul for it to happen, just pay 75 bucks and get someone to sign a form.”  
          Heero smiled at him affectionately. Duo acted so incredibly mature one moment and then an innocent child the next. Some might find it painful or confusing, but he found it adorable.   
   
   
   
          Their town didn’t have one of those ‘Now Leaving’ signs, just a sign with the name of their town and then another sign with the name of the next town. Still, Duo felt a thrill when the bus passed over that invisible line, a sort of electric sensation as he realized that he was now in a different place and, in only a few hours, he would be in a different state. Someplace with a huge amount of people that he had never met, wearing and speaking different things, bright lights everywhere and smells he had never experienced. There was that feeling again, that rush of fear and excitement all rolled up into one. The days prior to this felt like they had gone by in a rush, taking care of Shei, packing, all of it, but right now, it felt like time had slowed to a stop, but he didn’t hate the slowness of it. He realized that, sitting next to Heero so closely, knowing that he would spending the week with him, far away from the home that he had always known, there wasn’t really any other place he would rather be. It felt… nice, even among his worries and fears.   
   
   
          Heero was extremely grateful that, two hours into the bus ride, his other classmates grew tired of singing and playing weird verbal games with the teachers and chaperones and settled down to read or listen to music on their own. Quatre and Trowa were playing cards while Wufei was reading in the seat in front of them. Duo had fallen asleep on his shoulder about an hour ago and Heero had no desire to wake him up since he seemed comfortable and he knew that he probably hadn’t slept well last night. He was probably one of those people that could sleep anywhere and after his excitement over seeing a forest for the first time, he had settled enough to dose off. It reminded Heero of his promise to take him to the beach some time. It made him feel bad that he hadn’t been able to fulfill that promise yet. He wondered if Duo even remembered, or he resented him for not going through with it, though he doubted that was true, but he also doubted that Duo had forgotten. Still, so much had happened and he had never gotten the chance to go through with it. Boston was on the water, too, but it wasn’t quite the same thing and he knew that Duo would see it the same way. His excitement over the forest had been obvious and it had made Heero smile as well. Leave it to a boy that had lived his whole life in the middle of Maine to fall in love with more nature. Of course, the town they lived in wasn’t exactly in the boonies, but if a moose or fox wandered through the town, no one would loose their minds over it. One day, he wanted to take Duo to a national park or zoo, but he wondered if it would be too painful for him, too much like a date. He frowned as he watched Duo sleep, the younger boy’s expression tightening in a sort of mental pain. He took a risk and brushed Duo’s bangs out of his face, glad that the longhaired boy didn’t so much as flinch at the touch.   
          “Don’t dream,” he murmured.  
   
   
   
   
   
 _“Why would I let the best thing in my life slip through my fingers?”_  
  
 _“I love you like a son.”_  
  
 _Nonsensical phrases, but they sounded so familiar… He was moving through the darkness, though it felt like a fog, voices and objects garbled until the familiar became odd to him, things from so long ago… he didn’t want to remember them. Suddenly, he realized that he wasn’t alone as he walked. Another was by his side, matching each step. He whirled and caught a glimpse of a pale face and long, ebony hair._  
 _“Don’t ever let them get the drop on you. Don’t ever let them turn you into something you’re not… if that were to happen… There’s no going back. We’re not puppets, Duo, we’re nothing less than human. So… don’t let them win. Never let them win… Even if we die fighting, it’s better than living a lie. I’d rather die knowing my true worth, than live as anything less than I am. Don’t let them convince you of anything, only we know our true worth, do you understand, Duo?”_  
 _More words from the past, but they made his insides hurt._  
 _“What do you mean?” he heard himself ask, but it wasn’t really himself. Rather, it was a part of him from long ago, a very old memory._  
 _“They never give up,” the black haired boy said, “I tried to run away, but your past follows you. You have to burn it every scrap of it until there’s nothing left. That’s the only way to escape it, but even then… the ghost of it always remains. Those ghosts will find you in the end, and unless you know **who** you are, they’ll destroy you. Don’t let them get the drop on you. You’re stronger than that. If you can remind yourself that people will say things, say lies, just to hurt you, that you, and only you, can know yourself to make any judgments, you can survive anything.”_  
 _He heard himself laugh, but it was a dark, disbelieving sound._  
 _“But what if you’re just lying to yourself? What if you don’t know yourself at all? What if you’re too weak to know the difference?”_  
 _The other boy smiled at him and sharp pain shot through Duo’s chest as he realized who it was, and when._  
 _“If you’re so weak, you wouldn’t have lasted in this business for so long.”_  
   
“Duo, wake up,” Heero gently shook his friend’s shoulder. Slit violet eyes peered up at him groggily.  
“Yuki?” he murmured sleepily in confusion. Heero frowned. He hadn’t thought that Duo spoke Japanese, unless he was referring to a person, but he couldn’t think of anyone in town with a Japanese name besides himself. Duo rubbed at his eyes, sitting up straighter as his surroundings came back to him.  
“We’ve stopped?” he asked, his dreams fading away into nothingness, only a few sparks of incoherent memory remaining.  
“Dinner time, Duo,” Trowa said with a soft smile as he stood next to their seat, Quatre waiting impatiently for the line of students in front of him to move so they could leave the cramped bus. Duo stretched his arms over his head.  
“Where are we? How long has it been?” he asked.  
“We’re in Concord, New Hampshire,” Quatre offered, “It’s been two hours since we left town, but we still have another two hours to go.”  
Duo groaned loudly as he stood, popping his spine.  
“I can’t believe I fell asleep,” he grumbled. Heero chuckled, the line moving forward enough that he could leave their seat and stumble into the aisle.  
“You didn’t sleep well last night, did you?”  
Duo blushed guiltily.  
“Not really,” he admitted, “I’ve never dealt with excitement or anxiety well.”  
‘Though I never had much to be excited about in the past,’ he thought silently, but he knew his friends would add that sentiment onto his sentence on their own. He followed Heero as the five of them shuffled off the bus and into some sort of roadside complex. Duo had never seen one before, but understood the concept. The parking lot was bigger than the building itself, filled with their school buses and tons of other cars and vehicles, even a few motorcycles. He knew that there were places like this all over the major roads where people on long trips could stop for a bite to eat or a map, if they were lost. The outside of it didn’t look all that extraordinary, but he looked around the inside with interest. The ‘rest stop’, if it could even be called such a thing, monopolized on the same stereotype that all Northern New England tourist attractions did and the inside of the building had been built to look like the inside of a log cabin with dark, aged wood everywhere and pictures of moose, salmon, leaves in the fall, and even some photos and paintings of wolves. Duo had never come across a wolf in his entire life and he was pretty sure that the only wolves in New England existed in parks and zoos, so when they passed a small boy that claimed he and his parents could see one, or perhaps even a bear, on their camping trip, Duo rolled his eyes to himself.  
          “I thought wolves were extinct up here?” Quatre noted having seen the same picture that Duo had.  
          “They are,” Trowa said dryly, “the bottom of the photo says it was taken at Yellow Stone. Just don’t tell the tourists that.”  
          “Isn’t that what we are?” Duo asked him with a fake wide-eyed look.  
          “Hardly,” Trowa gave an equally fake nose-in-the-air expression, “ _We_ are _proper_ New Englanders.”  
          Heero sighed dramatically as Duo and Trowa chuckled together. Having lived most of his life in Italy, Trowa was as far away from a ‘New Englander’ as you could get.   
          “Like peas in a pod,” he noted in a low voice. It was almost scary how alike Duo and Trowa were, especially their sense of humor. Duo looked around and saw with relief that, amidst the tourist gift shops and mini local museum attractions, not to mention stand after stand of brochures, there was a bathroom and a food court.   
          “I could kill for a hamburger,” he grumbled. Having never traveled before, or fallen asleep on a bus before, he was unfamiliar with the drowsy, heavy feeling he had, or the sense of confusion and alienation of falling asleep in one state and waking up in another. He felt that some hot food in his stomach would wake him up and he had the sudden intense craving for beef.   
          “How about a double hamburger, fries, and a milk shake, with a piece of hot apple pie for dessert?” Heero suggested, noticing that one of the restaurants was a chin that existed in their town. Duo looked like he was almost ready to drool at the thought of a hot meal.  
          “There is a God and his name is Heero!” Duo exclaimed cheekily.  
          “Ok, everyone!” Une’s no nonsense voice caught the attention of students and tourists alike, “The buses will be leaving in exactly one hour, so whatever it is you have to do here, do it fast! If you are not on the bus you came in on, _none of us_ will be leaving! In the 36 years we have been going on this trip, we have never lost a single person and that is a trend we wish to uphold! The next time the buses stop, we’ll be in Boston, Massachusetts!”  
          A cheer went up among the students and Duo couldn’t help but feel energized. Her role as chaperone and pretty much ‘den mother’ to the large group of teenagers completed for the moment, Une left to call her husband in a whirl of mahogany hair. She always wished that they could go together on these field trips, a sort of small vacation from their busy lives as teachers, but since Treize was the principal, he had to always stay behind, especially this year with a smaller group going on the trip.   
          “Let’s go get you that burger,” Trowa said, clapping Duo on the shoulder, “I could go for a nice chicken sandwich myself.”  
          Une smiled to herself as she managed to overhear the tall boy’s comment as he led Duo towards the food court. She knew that, as a teacher, she wasn’t supposed to play favorites, but she was glad that Duo was going on the trip this year. It had been painful to watch the shy, lonely child Duo had been being left behind year after year, watching the throng of kids getting on the buses with a longing look. It was obvious to her that the trip was already doing him a lot of good, or perhaps that was just being with his friends. It made her smile brightly at how much he had changed, from reclusive and anti-social to the point of social terror to joking and hanging out with friends he had only had for a few months, as though they were brothers. She was glad that, for once, she could see a happy ending for someone who truly deserved it.  
   
   
   
          Dinner was a nice affair, most of the students too hungry and eager to see the bright lights of Boston to pull anything, especially with Une and the other teachers watching them like hawks. Zechs had bumped into Duo when he had tried to get to their table, but the longhaired brunette was agile enough to right himself without spilling so much as a single fry, which seemed to only agitate Zechs further. Heero had looked like he was going to start something, but Trowa kept a hand on his shoulder until Duo was seated and they all acted like nothing had happened.  
          At one point, a family of tourists had sat down at the table next to theirs and talked about their trip so far. They had traveled from Tennessee to here in an RV they had rented. Duo wondered what that was like, piling into a confined space and driving all over the country. At the same time it sounded kind of stressful, it sounded fun, too. Of course, he was sure that the family didn’t have the problem with small spaces that he had, or staying in one place for long periods of time… It would be fun to see so many different places and people and wildlife… but even he knew his own limitations and that such a trip wouldn’t end well for him, at least not at this stage of his life. Suddenly, Trowa tensed beside him and Duo came back to the family’s conversation quick enough to catch a comment about ‘up-state inbred hicks’ and ‘illegal mutts’. The scathing conversation was sharp enough that Duo felt fury boil in his gut and he glared over at the family, only to find both the mother and father giving their group an equal glare and realized that the comments had been directed at him and his friends. That only made the fury crest stronger and stronger inside of him. He didn’t know what pissed him off more, how the mother was glaring at his two Asian friends like they were demons, or how they had somehow focused on his own, slight, Maine accent and had judged him for it. It was something he didn’t even think about. Sure, Wes had never had that accent and Duo was sure he had lived somewhere else, but he had lived in Maine his entire life and that accent was just so… normal for him, he never had even thought about it… Did that make him a hick, having something that defined him as coming from some place specific? He didn’t even know why it made him feel sick inside, being signaled out by something he had never even realized about himself. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, to get out of his seat and punch one of them in the face for daring to say such things about his friends, or run and hide from just one more person, or in this case four, judging him for something he couldn’t change. However, Trowa didn’t give him the chance to make any sort of decision. The mother watched with wide eyes as the tall boy stood and approached them.  
          “My friends and I would really appreciate it if you would keep your voices down,” he said slowly, in a low, non-hostile tone, “We’re trying to eat and your… language… is very distasteful.”  
          The father narrowed his eyes at him.  
          “What I find distasteful is being talked back to by someone who doesn’t deserve to be here,” the man snapped.  
          “Fence fairy,” his wife hissed at Trowa, who looked at her in shock. Duo half expected his friend to slap her, but the green-eyed boy stayed stock still and Duo realized he could easily see the lion-wrangling circus boy Trowa had been.  
          “Actually, I’m Italian,” Trowa corrected as though he were talking to a small child, “If you’re going to insult people, use the correct insults or you come off as… childish. Of course, you come off that way, anyway.”  
          The man grit his teeth, opening his mouth to yell at Trowa, but the boy interrupted him in a flurry of motion, slamming his hands on the table.  
          “Use such disgusting language in front of my friends again, and I’ll show you what a ‘savage’ I can be,” he said in a frighteningly cold voice. The family stared at him in fear, even as he walked briskly out of the food court.   
          “Trowa…” Quatre murmured. He had never seen his lover upset in their entire time together. It was more than just slightly alarming. Wufei couldn’t believe the entire scene and felt a bit relieved that none of their classmates had noticed what had happened. He still couldn’t fathom the sort of mentality that could insult people based on their looks, and what was that shit about ‘up-state hicks’? He knew that it had rankled a bit with Duo and that felt worse to him than any ‘Chink’ comments they could have dished out. Duo was from their own goddamn country and they still found fault with him just because of the way he spoke, and in reality, his accent was barely there. It just made him realize that people never changed. There were people that hated each other for such stupid reasons as ‘differences’, so why was it so easy for the five of them, all from different places and different beliefs, to be so close?   
          Heero watched in shock as it wasn’t Quatre who ended up running after Trowa, but Duo. He rose, but Quatre grabbed his arm.  
          “Don’t,” the blonde pleaded, “You know how he likes his privacy. He’s probably embarrassed…”  
          Sad aqua met furious cobalt for a brief moment before Heero turned his angry look at the family.  
          “I’m not going after him. Whatever’s bothering him, Duo can talk him down from. Better than I ever could,” Heero pointed out. It was something that his best friend was good at, Duo had talked him down plenty of times in the past.  
          “I just suddenly have the urge to not be here anymore,” he said stiffly.  
  
End Part 5  
  



	26. Surgery Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo and the gang arrive in Boston.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 6   
  
  
    Despite only being a few minutes behind Trowa, Duo found himself struggling to keep up with his much taller friend until the two boys ended up in one of the bathrooms. Duo was immensely glad that there was no one else there, especially for some of the things he needed to say. Despite the wide spread belief among his classmates, his personal life was _not_ on display, and certainly none of their business. Just to be safe, he closed the door behind him and wedged the door stop under the crack to keep it stuck. If Trowa noticed him do this, he didn’t say anything about it as he stood at the sinks, looking at his reflection in the mirror.   
          “I’m sorry,” he said, still not facing Duo.  
          “Sorry?” Duo questioned. He mentally went through everything that had happened in the last half an hour, but couldn’t come up with anything that Trowa would feel the need to apologize for.   
          “Scaring you, I mean,” the green eyed boy clarified. Duo shrugged.  
          “You only scared me because you’re my friend and I’m worried about you. Did what they say bother you that badly?” he asked. Trowa finally turned to face him, his arms folded over his chest.  
          “Until I had met Quatre, I had never been outside of Italy, had never had to deal with people that might… think things of me just because how I looked or spoke. But, then we started to date and suddenly I was traveling all over the place. I learned pretty quickly how to develop thick skin to people’s numerous prejudices. I had thought I could handle anything anyone threw at me, but in all those times, I was the one dealing with the slurs. I don’t think Quatre’s ever heard those things before. I never wanted him to hear those things. And then, when you realized that they were talking about you and you got that… _look_ in your eyes, I guess I kind of snapped,” Trowa explained.   
          “What look?” Duo asked in confusion. He wasn’t aware he had a look. Of course, he hadn’t been aware that he had had an accent, either.  
          “Sometimes, you get this look, like you’re second guessing yourself, like you’re measuring yourself up and you never like what you find. I hate that look, and I hate anyone who can put that look in your eyes,” the taller boy said stiffly, “And you’re certainly not an ‘in-bred hick.’”  
          “I could be,” Duo pointed out, “For all I know, my parents could be sewer mutants or something.”  
          Trowa snorted.  
          “You shouldn’t have to deal with people like that. Heero and Quatre were pretty well protected, but only out in the open. In reality, Heero got the worst of it out of the three of us. In Japan, he didn’t fit in because he was tall and had blue eyes, everywhere else he didn’t fit in because he looks Japanese. He never really fit in anywhere, but somehow, here, when he’s with you, he looks like he doesn’t belong anywhere else. You look the same way,” Trowa said softly. Duo blushed darkly and found that he couldn’t say anything to that, whether it was the truth or not.   
          “Do I look Mexican to you?” Trowa suddenly blurted out. Duo gave out a sharp bark of laughter in surprise.  
          “N-no… You just… uh… look like… Trowa…” Duo stammered to find the right response. He wasn’t sure what Mexican people or Italian people were supposed to ‘look like’. He wasn’t even sure if there was such a thing as being able to tell where someone came from, just by what they looked like. However, Trowa smiled at him affectionately, so he hoped he had said something right.   
          “Do you remember your parents?” Duo ventured cautiously. He remembered Quatre telling him that Trowa’s parents had died when he had been just a baby, and he knew that his older sister had taken care of him and then his uncle, but he wondered if he had any little memories of his parents at all. To his dismay, Trowa shook his head.  
          “For as long as I can remember, Catherine was there for me, like a young mother that I could talk to and joke around with. Even before I knew that sort of monster that my uncle was, I felt closer to her. Sometimes, you’re distant from your family, you feel like they’re strangers. But… Catherine actually felt like my sister, you know? Like we were kindred spirits as well as family.”  
          “It must have been nice,” Duo told him with a smile, “To have someone that’s related to you always be there, to know where you came from.”  
          Trowa nodded.  
          “It was.”  
          “Where do… where do you think I came from, racially, I mean?” Duo asked. It was something that he had thought about through the years, but not very often and not very hard, though he didn’t know if it was because he didn’t have the information to think on it for very long, or that it was simply to painful to try to think of the things he couldn’t remember, no matter how hard he had tried as a child. His blush grew as Trowa studied his face.  
          “European without a doubt,” he said, “Irish, a bit of Swedish, quite a bit of German, I think. Does it bother you that much, not knowing where you came from? Don’t you have any memories of your family at all?”   
          Duo looked away from him.   
          “Not really. The first thing I remember is waking up and being on the streets. I couldn’t remember where I came from before that, how old I was, or even my own name, let alone remember my parents. It’s strange, no one really remembers the first three to four years of their lives and neither do I, yet I’m missing this huge chunk of my life. Just not remembering such a small amount of time, and I got lost, I don’t even know who I am, not really, anyway. I may say that I’ve lived my whole life in one place, but that’s not true. I could have come from anywhere at all and I’ll never know the truth, just what my mind remembers, which isn’t very reliable. I’ve lost memories before and who knows what I’ve forgotten-,” Duo said passionately.   
          The two teenagers jumped as someone tried to open the door, followed by a sharp knocking.  
          “Hey, open the door!”   
          “Shut the fuck up!” Trowa snapped, angry that the boy had interrupted Duo, especially considering what he had been telling him.  
          “Asshole,” came the muffled response, but they listened as the boy shuffled off.   
          “I dreamt of her in the hospital,” Duo murmured, as though he were talking to himself. Trowa looked at him with wide green eyes.  
          “Duo?” he asked, unsure of what was happening. He had been sure that, with the interruption, Duo would have let the topic drop and now that he hadn’t, Trowa wasn’t sure what to say. He wasn’t even sure of what Duo had meant with what he had just said. The longhaired boy looked at him and the look in his violet eyes chilled Trowa to the bone.  
          “When I was in the hospital and my withdrawal was making me so sick, I had this dream,” Duo tried to explain, “there was this woman singing to me. It was a lullaby and her voice was so familiar… Does that count as a memory? What if, somewhere deep inside, I remember her voice? Or… maybe I was just going crazy because I was in so much pain…”   
          Trowa sighed sadly and pulled Duo into his arms. The other boy didn’t protest, but was unable to look up at his friend.   
          “I guess I’ve spent too much time wondering why I was on my own, if my parents had died, or if they hated me enough to actually leave me on the side of the road somewhere. That voice… that song… it was probably all in my head… but it made me feel better, to think that I could remember my mother’s voice,” Duo said into Trowa’s shirt.   
          “I think… if your parents did abandon you, then they didn’t deserve you in the first place,” Trowa said, resting his chin on the top of Duo’s head, “And I think that you did just fine without parents. You may never know where you came from, and I may never know how my parents knew to put me in my sister’s care, instead of my uncle’s, but we didn’t do so bad, did we? As far as families go, the family we have right now is pretty kick ass.”  
          Duo chuckled and gave his friend a brief hug before they broke away.  
          “Well, there is that. They probably think you put a bomb in that family’s RV or something,” the longhaired boy smirked. Trowa bent down to un-wedge the doorstop and opened the door for Duo.  
          “That sounds like a pretty good idea, actually,” he said cheekily. Duo swatted his arm.  
          “Don’t say that! I could see Wufei doing that, maybe, or perhaps Quatre, but not you,” he said with a grin.  
          “Oh? What about Heero and me? What would we do?” Trowa asked as they left the bathroom and headed back towards the front of the building.  
          “Well, Heero would probably just beat the crap out of them, but you would stake a darker territory and break their fragile, boring psyches.”  
          Trowa laughed, a rare sound.  
          “And you would take the high road and just ignore the lot of them,” Trowa said. Duo smiled at him, but didn’t tell him about the incredible rage at the family he had felt earlier.   
  
  
    The others were waiting for them by the exit, looking impatient and annoyed, though even Duo could tell that it wasn’t directed at them. Quatre brightened as he saw his green-eyed lover, but didn’t say anything about what had just happened, as though it were an unspoken agreement.  
          “So, what did you do to them?” Trowa broke the silence, looking at Heero. Duo struggled to contain his laughter at the question. He could imagine Heero leaping over the table as soon as they left, strangling either the wife or the husband. He realized that that thought wasn’t fair, Heero was a very physical person, but he wasn’t always violent, he just had a hard time controlling his emotions. It was true, there were times when Heero’s actions scared him, but he couldn’t help feeling that way. It was a twisted sort of empathy, he knew exactly what violence felt like on the receiving end of it. He supposed that was why he had such a hard time being aggressive and using any sort of violence as a means of control. The odd thing was, as much as Heero’s readiness for violence frightened him, he also trusted him to never hurt him. It was somewhat ironic that the person he felt safest around had anger management problems. Heero looked affronted, annoyed, and confused as his two friends seemed to share a joke at his expense.  
          “I let them live,” he growled seriously, but the response only made Trowa and Duo laugh again.  
          “We need to get on the bus,” Wufei pointed out dryly.  
   
                                                                        
   
          When two lanes of highway turned to four and the tall towers and bright light of the large city finally came into view, Heero struggled with the decision to wake Duo up, who had once again fallen asleep, using his arm as a pillow. Heero’s arm had also fallen asleep about forty-five minutes ago, as he had been afraid of moving it in case he woke Duo up, but he didn’t mind. Any annoyance he had felt at Trowa and Duo’s odd humor had dissipated in a manner of minutes. He realized that there were things between Quatre, Trowa, and himself that Duo wouldn’t understand. There were also things between himself and Duo that their other friends couldn’t possibly understand, so he just had to accept that there were secret things between Trowa and Duo, things he shouldn’t pry into. He thought that he should feel jealous that Duo and Trowa had some deep, secret bond, but he didn’t. He and Duo were the same way, they had a connection that neither of them could have with anyone else. Quatre hadn’t watched Heero cry over the loss of his dead father late at night, sharing the same bed. Trowa hadn’t held a naked Duo in the shower while he battled a severe panic attack and very dark demons. He also knew that Trowa would never love Duo in the way that he did, he had Quatre, after all, and Heero wasn’t so selfish that he couldn’t’ see how much Trowa loved his blonde boyfriend and that, in the tall boy’s eyes, there was no one else. Heero knew that feeling very well, especially with his own love lying against him, napping peacefully. He gently shook Duo awake, knowing that he would want to be awake for this. His heart warmed as he watched his best friend blink blearily and look up at him in sleepy confusion.  
          “Wha-?” the violet-eyed boy murmured.  
          “Look,” Heero urged, gesturing towards the window. As Duo looked outside, he immediately woke up and his eyes widened in an almost childish glee.  
          “Wow,” he whispered, “It’s so beautiful!” he marveled at the brilliant, multi-colored lights looming over the highway. Heero smiled at him affectionately, remembering when he was a child and his mother had brought him and Quatre here on a business trip. At the time, he had been living in Tokyo, so he had been used to large cities, bright lights, and large crowds, but there had been something so incredible about it, traveling to another country. He had never gotten used to that feeling of wonderment, of seeing a different culture’s way of doing things, of seeing new sights. He was glad that Duo, for the first time, was experiencing that emotion. It saddened him, though, knowing that Duo had lived so long, believing that he was going to be trapped in once place for the rest of his life, like a mouse in a cage. He had the sudden impulse to hold the younger boy’s hand, but settled for memorizing the child-like wonder on his face as the bus entered the large, bustling city. He was no longer the wreck he had been in the hospital, weak and dark with haunting memories, but Duo was still broken, so it was something of a relief to see him peeking out of the shell he had built around himself.   
          Spring hadn’t quite shown herself, but winter was, little by little, retreating. Heero had never truly experienced New England Winters, but he thought that they wouldn’t have snow again, for which he was grateful. As much as he enjoyed the peacefulness of the season, he hated the cold. Boston was warmer, though not by very much, and there were a lot of people bustling around on the streets. Heero realized that the town they lived in had never seen such a thing, people coming and going so late at night, but this didn’t seem to face Duo much. His longhaired friend was silent as the buses trailed each other towards the large hotel they were staying at, too busy watching and soaking everything in to say anything.  
   
   
   
          Duo was amazed that, in this point of his life, he could still feel so excited over something like a field trip. Though he felt like it some of the time, he wasn’t a little kid anymore and teenagers shouldn’t feel this off balanced, but he did. He, logically, knew it was due to his stagnant childhood and having never done most of the things his classmates had, but he found that, in this moment, he didn’t even care that much. He had tried damn hard to bury all of the dark thoughts and feelings he had had in the past once he had started living with the Yuy’s, but it had been difficult, like trying to get rid of a bad addiction. He supposed that it was harder ignoring most of your memories than ignoring a habit, but he had hoped that getting away from St. Peter’s would help shove those memories down even further. He told himself that he wasn’t that weak, twisted person anymore. He wasn’t a prostitute, or a punching bag, or even a homeless street rat, he was Heero Yuy’s friend, a part time stocker, and a high school student. It wasn’t much, but it was something he was willing to fight to hold on to, even if it was a lie. Logically, he knew that one day his past would catch up with him and firmly bite him in the ass, but for right now, he was content to run away from it, as far and fast as he could. He caught Heero watching him with an amused expression and blushed. He imagined that he must look like a moron, so amazed over something so small, especially to Heero, who had lived in big cities most of his life.  
          “Did you and your mom go traveling a lot?” he asked. Heero nodded, his gaze moving towards the window as they passed a large, archaic theater that also drew Duo’s attention.  
          “When I was little, my parents and I went on vacations during holidays. We went somewhere different every time, just Mom, Dad, and I,” Heero’s tone was soft and reminiscent as he thought of his father. He felt Duo’s hand on his and smiled at him. It was strange, but even the small touch, the small reminder that Duo was there for him, made him feel much better.  
          “After Dad died, we went on more trips. Part of it was Mom trying cheer me up and part of I was because her job made her go all over the planet and she didn’t like me being alone for such a long time. I’ve been all over American, but this is the largest I’ve stayed, by far. When Mom told me we were going to be living here, I resented her for it,” he admitted.  
          “You hated America?” Duo asked. He didn’t think he could ever understand that, hating an entire place, its people, its culture, especially since he had only known one place and had looked upon visiting other countries as something fantastic, something he would never do in his lifetime. It had been just one of many things he hadn’t been able to think about much because it had depressed him so deeply. He remembered what that family had said, that they had spouted such horrible things, because they had known he and his friends had been listening. Where Heero and the others came from had never bothered him on any level, he honestly didn’t think he had the capacity for that level of hate. There were much worse things than race and he had experienced a lot of those things. Besides, it was hard to hate people when you were battling with your own sense of identity. He just didn’t see the point in it, anymore than he saw the point in violence as a means of revenge. It just seemed so… useless.   
          “No, not really,” Heero said with a shrug as the buses drove into their hotel’s parking lot, but Duo’s attention was solely on him, so he didn’t notice.   
          “I never really hated this country, I was just angry at Mom for moving us again, and America treats itself like an island, alone in a vast, endless ocean. It wasn’t something I was looking forward to, but I’m glad that I did,” Heero said with a bright smile, squeezing Duo’s hand. The bus came to a stop, drawing both of their attentions again. Une got up from her seat behind the driver and stood at the front of the bus, instantly making all talking cease.  
          “Now, I know you are all eager to get to your rooms, but I don’t want any shoving, pushing, or nonsense of any kind. You will go to the front desk and give your name. All of your luggage is being handed to the hotel employees and will be given back to you once you check in and get your room key. Hopefully, you did what you were told and put your nametags on your luggage before we left he school. If you have lost anything, you will have to wait until everyone is signed in to start a search for it. Once you have checked in, you can do as you please until we leave in three days. However, every time you leave the hotel, you _must_ sign out, so if anything happens, the chaperones and I will know when you left and we also have your cell phone numbers, and you have ours. Now, I want a single file off this bus, not a rush of wild dogs, understood?” Une ordered in a sharp voice.  
          “Yes, Ma’am,” the bus chorused. Duo felt edgy to get off of the cramped bus. The whole ordeal had made him feel edgy. It had been hard, getting through the school day, knowing that at the end of the day, they would be going on their trip. It had been just as difficult handing his belongings to one of the teachers. He wasn’t used to trusting anyone, let alone a group of adults he barely knew, with his personal stuff, his trusty duffle bag had always been in reach, but he had tried to accept things the way there were now, not in the past, and go with the flow the best that he could. It was the most he could do, anyway. He mused that this whole field trip experience was like getting caught in a whirlwind, everything was rush, rush, rush, so now that they were actually _here_ , time had slowed down to almost a crawl, not that he minded. His brain was still a little bit foggy from napping. For as long as he could remember, long rides made him drowsy. It was something that embarrassed him, because he couldn’t figure out why he reacted that way, but it was also something that he hadn’t had to deal with a whole lot since he usually walked.   
          Duo wasn’t the only one that was feeling sleepy and foggy from the bus ride and the rest of the students on their bus seemed too eager to get to their rooms to hold the rest of them up much. They got out of the bus in record time and got wound up in a horde of teachers that were trying to reclaim responsibility over the hundreds of teenagers as they all flooded out of the buses at once. Duo felt especially eager to have his black duffle bag back in his possession. If he had thought he could have gotten away with it, he would have insisted on holding onto it, but it had gotten stored in the buses cargo anyway. He had a suitcase, too, and he didn’t have much that was important that wasn’t in the backpack he had been allowed on the bus, but he had had that duffle bag since he was ten years old and he viewed the beaten old thing as more important than anything else he had brought with him. Well, except for his medicines, which were safely tucked away in the backpack slung over his shoulder. Despite that feeling of eagerness and anxiety to have all of his property back, he hesitated as he stepped off the bus and saw the hotel for the first time.   
          Just from an aesthetic standpoint, the hotel was much nicer than anything they had back home. It was bigger, more stylish, with revolving doors and windows so big and clean, they glistened with the neon lights of the surrounding buildings. It was completely different from the simple hotels he was used to, but the sight of it made a slithering, dark, sickening emotion crawl around in his insides and he felt frozen.   
          To Duo, hotels were all the same, no matter how many stars they had attached to their names. The people that worked there were impersonal and apathetic, the customers thriving so much in anonymity that most of them didn’t even use their real names. Oh, yes, he was _very_ familiar with the hotel culture. Not all of the men that had paid for his time had been looking for quick fucks in dark alleys, the back seats of cars, or bathroom stalls. Some would pay to have an entire night with him and a majority of these men would take him to a hotel room. When he had been much younger, he had wondered how the people at the service desk had handed his johns their keys, but hadn’t said anything about the child they were sharing the room with. Sometimes, those people would look disgusted or affronted and Duo, even at the time, had known that they had known what was going on, but had never done anything about it. When he had gotten older, he had come to realize that it was just like everything else in the world, just business. It was a hotel’s job to turn a blind eye to what it’s customers did, no matter how disgusting, just to get a profit, it had, little by little, become a routine for him, but he had never gotten used to that sort of blatant ignorance. When he had looked at this trip, he had only really seen the crowds as a stressor for him. He hadn’t thought that just the act of walking into the hotel would be making his heart pound in his chest, but it did. Whisper and phantom memories bubbled up in his mind and, for a brief moment, the sudden burst of anxiety took him by surprise so suddenly that he couldn’t block them out. He watched, frozen in fear, as his classmates all but ran into the large building, eager to get to their rooms. His mind felt blank, but through it all, there was a voice deep inside of his head screaming at him to _run_ , run, because this was very, very bad.   
          A soft touch and sudden warmth around his hand silenced the voice and Duo struggled through the panicked fog that was consuming his consciousness. He realized that the warmth was Heero’s hand around his. He came back to himself in a sudden rush.  
          “Are you ok?” Heero asked, worried. He had seen that panicked look before, more than once, and had been at his best friend’s side in less than a second, knowing that Duo would need him, one way or another. He wasn’t quite sure what it was about himself that grounded Duo so quickly and efficiently, but whatever Duo needed to keep the demons away, he seemed to provide it for him. His biggest worry was that the longhaired boy was going to have a full fledged panic attack right there in the parking lot. He didn’t give a shit about what the other people around them would think about it, he was just worried that Duo’s stress levels would sky rocket and he would black out or do some other damage to himself. What bothered him the most was that he had no idea what had triggered the attack this time. Was it the crowd of people and childish yelling as they flooded off the bus, or simply the knowledge that he was in a strange, alien place? Heero wasn’t sure, but he felt an intense relief when his small touch had brought Duo back to himself. The panic was still there, but this time it was tightly controlled, not wild and rampant. Duo flinched as Trowa put a hand on his back, but the taller boy knew better than to stand behind him, moving to Duo’s side, instead. He could feel the younger boy’s muscles tensing under his hand, but they relaxed in a matter of seconds as Duo calmed down and settled, realizing that it was a friend and he was safe. Some of the panic bled out of his eyes and muscles as Quatre and Wufei helped form a sort of distracting bubble, keeping his attention away from everything except his friends. Duo blushed as he realized how stupid he probably looked.  
          “You don’t have to go in right now,” Trowa soothed, “We can wait a little while.”  
          To Heero’s shock, Duo looked at Trowa with wide eyes and he realized that Trowa had pinpointed the source of Duo’s anxiety exactly. It threw him how his old friend seemed to know Duo’s triggers better than the rest of them.  
          “It’s no big deal,” Duo tried to throw off his fears, but they could see how high strung he was as he watched people enter the hotel. Heero was once again struck with the urge to smack himself for his stupidity. The thought that Duo would be bothered by going to a hotel had never even entered his mind, and it should have. It was clichéd, that Duo’s… customers would have taken him to such places, and the mere thought made Heero feel sick, but he felt that the fact it was such a cliché made him feel even worse about _not_ thinking of it. From the looks on Quatre and Wufei’s faces, they were feeling the exact same way, but, somewhere along the line, Trowa _had_ thought of it, because he didn’t look shocked at Duo’s reaction at all. Duo’s assurance that it was fine was unlikely in itself, but when Heero could feel his friend’s hand shaking in his, it was impossible to believe.   
          “We’re not going to let anything bad happen, I promise,” Heero said, giving Duo’s hand a little squeeze. Trowa smiled at him and Heero felt better that he approved of his actions, though he wasn’t entirely sure when he had started to hold Trowa’s assurances so highly. Duo also gave him a small smile, though Heero could tell that he had to struggle to do it.   
          “I’ll get over it,” Duo promised them, “I just have to keep reminding myself that things are different now.”  
          “Things _are_ different,” Quatre said with surety, “Heero’s right, we’re not going to let anything happen to you, to any of us. As long as we stick close together, we can protect each other. You’re not alone anymore, you have people looking out for you now.”   
          The little bit of stubborn anxiety that still clung to him released its hold as he felt true _safety_ at his blonde friend’s words. He would have hugged him tightly if he wasn’t so subconscious and unwilling to do something so personal amongst people that he had hated and despised for so many years. He looked up at Trowa.    
          “I can do this,” he tried to sound steady and, regretfully, let go of Heero’s hand. He was amazed as he walked through the hotel doors with his friends, that he truly wasn’t afraid. He had never experienced something like that before meeting Heero, just knowing that he had people that cared about him actually settling his anxieties, but he liked the feeling and knew that he wasn’t going to give it up without a fight.  
   
   
   
          As the five of them entered the lobby and got into the very long line at the large front desk, Duo had the childish urge to take off his shoes and socks and feel the very plush looking red rug under his bare feet. Hotel employees were bustling all over the place, reminding Duo of ants, each doing an assigned task, trying to deal with the hundreds of teenagers, giving tours and helping them and their luggage to the elevators. Duo couldn’t even imagine the stress of trying to create order in this sort of chaos. He tried to not show his eagerness to get his stuff as the line moved with surprising quickness. Most of the students didn’t have the patience for anything more than a rapid transaction, barking out their names and grabbing their bags in a rush. Duo was eager to get his things for an entirely different reason. Yes, he was excited to see his hotel room, to finally take a relaxing breath and feel rooted again, but mostly he wanted his things in _his_ possession and not a complete stranger’s. He supposed he was acting a little bit like a control freak, but he felt a little bit lost without his duffle bag.  
          “Duo Maxwell,” he said in a rush when it was finally his turn, handing over his school ID. The girl at the counter wearing a perfect-looking, deep maroon uniform seemed to hesitate for a moment, probably unsure over his odd first name, but went to do her job professionally, with no questions asked, which suited Duo just fine. The girl and a young man that was helping her with the larger luggage handed him his suitcase and duffle bag, quickly calling the next person over. Duo stood off to the side to keep the whole process going smoothly, his arms wrapped around his very familiar duffle bag tightly as though his life depended on it. He didn’t need to read the yellow name tag attached to it to know that it was his, he knew every wear and rip and scuff mark like he knew each of the scars on his fair skin. Heero and Trowa joined him quickly and Heero caught the utter relief in the longhaired boy’s eyes at having his belongings back, but didn’t say anything to draw attention to it. Duo finally let go of the bear hug he had had on his duffle and slung it over his shoulder, but his fingers still gripped the strap tightly.  
          The three of them watched in amusement as one of the girls behind the desk was having a hard time with Wufei’s name. It turned out that the hotel had attempted to organize their stuff by last name and hadn’t realized that ‘Chang’ was Wufei’s last name, not his first, and seemed to have problems that his school ID said the opposite. Both Quatre and Wufei were trying to explain things to the girl, but it didn’t look like they were having much luck.  
          With an amused snort, Trowa looked away from his exasperated lover to study the hotel map on the wall. Duo had tried to look at it, too, wanting to get a feel for the place, but couldn’t make heads or tales of it, which embarrassed him.  
          “Our room is number 503, which means that we’re on the fifth floor,” Trowa explained, mostly for Duo’s benefit, “We get our own bathroom and our room is near the elevator. The restaurant where we’ll be eating breakfast is on the first floor, and so is the gift shop. The floor we’re on right now is the lobby and the one below is called the ‘lounge’, that’s where the gym and pool area is.”  
          Duo’s interest piqued at the mention of a pool.  
          “There’s a pool?” he asked, “Are we allowed to go there?”  
          Trowa chucked, but it wasn’t mocking. Sometimes, Duo’s innocence could be very amusing. Considering his past, it wasn’t surprising that he would think some areas of the hotel would be restricted to them. He was probably used to people telling him that he couldn’t go to certain places or do things because he was poor.   
          “No,” Heero assured him, “Anyone who has a room here can go anywhere they please. Do you know how to swim?” he asked. Duo had told him that he had never gone to a beach and he didn’t think that Duo would have been comfortable using the town’s indoor pool. There were a lot of ponds in town, but to his knowledge, Duo didn’t own a bathing suit.  
          “We had to take swimming lessons in Middle School,” Duo told him. Heero knew that the high school had its own pool, but he hadn’t had to use it since he had come in the early winter. Japan had similar programs, though he had learned to swim from his father and not his school and he had hated doing swimming exercises. He wondered if they did it differently here in America, but he supposed that physical exercise was the same no matter where you went. He had loved free swim, though, and his father had often joked that he must have been a fish in his past life. When he was child, during the hot summers in Tokyo, he had spent most of his time in their pool, with his Dad. It hurt now, thinking of how happy he had been back then, but he also felt the acute desire to watch Duo swim. Oddly, it had little to do with seeing him in a pair of swim trunks, though that desire was very real, too. Rather, he wanted to see how graceful he would be, and how relaxed, reveling in weightlessness. He wondered if swimming made Duo as happy as it made him, or if it his experiences with it had been limited to gym class. The thought of Duo in swim trunks brought a different thought, a more disturbing one to him.  
          “And no one said anything about your scars?” Heero asked, already feeling anger trying to bubble up inside of him. He wanted Duo to say that he hadn’t had any scars back then, that his teachers and classmates weren’t purposefully ignorant, no matter how unlikely that was. Duo shrugged.   
          “No, no one ever said anything,” he smiled bitterly, “I don’t know if they saw them or not. People have a way of looking through me sometimes, you know? To them, I’m not important, or rather, they just don’t want to know. You were the first person to actually look.”   
          Heero shook his head, almost in denial.   
          “It’s hard for me to believe that,” he admitted, “I can’t believe that no one would just… ignore the physical signs of what was going on! Your scars, when I first saw them in the hospital, I’d have had to have been blind not to see them. Not a single person said anything to you about it?”  
          “Nope,” Duo said, almost apathetically, as though he didn’t want to think about it at all. Heero wanted to talk more about it, about the injustice of all of it, but knew it wasn’t the time, or the place, and let the subject drop.  
          “Why don’t we go swimming tonight?” he offered. Duo instantly brightened, but in the next second, his expression fell as though he had never smiled in the first place.  
          “I probably shouldn’t…” he murmured, unconsciously rubbing at his arm, “I’m not so invisible anymore, even if I had a bathing suit, which I don’t.”   
          Trowa watched with interest as Heero mulled over those facts.  
          “We could go late tonight, when few people are there and I can lend you a pair of my swim trunks. You can also keep your shirt on, if it makes you feel better,” Heero offered.   
          Duo’s fear of people and vulnerability made him want to find some flaw in Heero’s solution, something that could make him, logically, turn him down, but he didn’t really want to. He wanted to go swimming with Heero, just the two of them. His first foray into swimming hadn’t been a pleasant one as he remembered Zechs trying to drown him and no one coming to his aid, or even noticing that he was in trouble, but he also fondly remembered the feeling of weightlessness, of all his stress ebbing away as cool water surrounded him, if only for a few seconds. He didn’t want anyone to see, or notice, his scars, because they disgusted him, but also because he was worried. It was stupid, honestly. When he had been with Wes, he had never felt the fear he felt now, because he had known that no one had cared, but now that he was with the Yuy’s, he was scared that people would see him now, see the abuse, and think that Name and Heero were somehow involved. Of course, that didn’t make much sense since his scars were so old, but he didn’t trust the world, and especially not people, to let him keep the only true family he had ever had.   
          “Ok,” he finally agreed, “But I’m keeping my clothes on.”   
          The three of them saw Quatre and Wufei push their way towards them with their own luggage, both looking flustered and annoyed.   
          “Stupid, ignorant Americans,” Wufei grumbled, then blushed as he noticed Duo looking at him with wide eyes, “Present company excluded, of course,” he tried to joke. Duo grinned at him.   
          “Not all of us can be culturally conscious,” he warned, “I hope you didn’t create any enemies when we’ve only been here for a few minutes.”  
          Wufei heard the humor in his friend’s voice and relaxed, realizing that his insult hadn’t hurt his feelings.   
          “I’ll try to remain civil. I guess, just because the lot of you know what you’re doing, it doesn’t mean these people do,” he said with a slight grumble.   
          “Are we ready to go?” Trowa pressed, smirking at the sight of his lover’s tossed hair and flushed cheeks.   
          “Yes, please,” Quatre said with a sigh and they followed him to the elevators.   
   
   
          Duo chalked up ‘being in an elevator’ as one of those things he had never done before, but seemed to come so naturally to everyone else. He knew how they worked, he wasn’t that much of a simpleton, he had just never had to get into one before. When the doors closed, he was terrified. He was in a closed space, his mind screamed at him, he was locked in, trapped and soon, _very, very soon_ , the darkness and pain would begin and he would never see light again and…  
          Duo’s breath came out harder and faster, pinpoints of grey filtering his vision as he began to hyperventilate. It wasn’t until Heero stiffened next to him, aware of his impending panic attack, that Duo was able to take a slow, calming breath. He wasn’t alone, he rationalized in an attempt to soothe his nerves, it was just him and his four friends. They had promised that nothing bad was going to happen to him, so it wouldn’t. The loud ding of the elevator announcing that they had reached their floor made him flinch, but when the doors opened, he instantly relaxed.  
          ‘See?’ he told himself, ‘No darkness, no pain.’  
          But the reality of what had just happened depressed him. In the last twenty minutes, he had almost had two panic attacks. Name’s fears were already coming true and the scariest part was that he didn’t know how to keep them from happening anymore. At least back home he had known what was going to se him off, here there were too many new, unexplored things. He missed the strength he had had in the past, even if it had been a lie. Before meeting Heero, he had somehow managed to push down all the bad things that had happened to him, no matter how horrible those things got, he could keep going. But… if losing his strength meant that he could keep Heero, it was a sacrifice he was more than glad to make.   
          “Are you ok?” Heero whispered to him as they walked down the hallway to their room. Duo realized, with a great deal of relief, that the others hadn’t noticed his stress on the elevator. He nodded, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t want Heero to know how close he had come to a full fledged panic attack over something so small. He hoped it wouldn’t be an issue every time he had to get into the enclosed death trap.  
          The hallway had the same beautiful red carpet as the lobby and Duo once again had the urge to walk around barefoot, hoping it was as soft and plush as it looked. There were small, elegant looking lamps attached to the wall, giving the hallway a comfortable look. They didn’t have to walk very far to get to their room and Duo watched Trowa put his card key in so he knew how to do it himself.  
          Duo’s eyes went wide as they entered the room and he realized how big the place was. He had been expecting something the size of his room at home, but he knew that that had been a foolish thought, considering that the room had a bathroom and three beds. It wasn’t a huge, opulent room, but it was more than he had been expecting. There were even dressers and a closet for their clothes, as well as a TV and telephone.  
          “Wow,” Wufei said in a small voice and Duo felt relieved that he wasn’t the only one overwhelmed. He mused that a hotel room was kind of like a home within a home and he wasn’t quite sure what the appropriate etiquette was, but he toed his shoes off and put them in the closet, just like he did at home. He followed Quatre as the blonde immediately dumped his suitcase by one of the beds and looked out of the large windows.   
          “It’s so beautiful,” Quatre said in a soft voice. Duo silently agreed with him. The windows of their room looked out at the water and Duo could see the lights of the city reflecting off of the surface of the water, as well as a few stray seagulls. Duo put his suitcase down next to Quatre’s and watched as the others did the same, Heero reading the pamphlet off one of the beds advertising the hotel’s restaurant, some places in Boston that were popular to visit, room service, and how to work the TV. Trowa, the most efficient of all of them, was already unzipping his and Quatre’s suitcases and taking their toiletries to the bathroom. Wufei knelt in front of what looked like a tiny refrigerator and opened it.  
          “Don’t take anything you aren’t prepared to pay for,” Trowa warned as he stepped out of the bathroom.  
          “Why?” Wufei asked, confused, “Isn’t this stuff ours?”  
          “Nothing if free,” Trowa replied with an air of wisdom.  
          “It’s a mini-bar,” Duo informed Wufei, excited that he knew something that one of his friends didn’t, “It’s like a vending machine, but you have to pay once we leave.”  
          “Oh,” Wufei said with distaste, closing the door.  
          “And, of course, everything in there is more expensive than if you were to buy it at a convenience store,” Trowa said.  
          “That’s stupid,” Wufei said with a snort.  
          “Well,” Quatre said with an almost gleeful clap of his hands, “Since Trowa’s already unpacking, why don’t we decide who is going to sleep where?”  
          Duo was glad when Heero didn’t immediately jump up and insist that Duo take one of the beds, though he could tell that he wanted to. Ideally, he thought that he would want to share a bed with Heero. They had shared a bed more than once and he felt fairly comfortable with him, but that was also part of the problem. He simply didn’t trust himself so close to Heero, it would be the first time he’d be sharing a bed with the boy that he loved without being sick or injured or mentally incapacitated. The last thing he wanted was for his best friend to find out about his feelings for him, because he just didn’t know how he would react. He kept telling himself that he _did_ have control, that Heero would never find out, but that was far from the truth. Whenever he had been with Wes, he hadn’t wanted to like any of the things the man had done to him, but sometimes, his body had responded anyway. What if the same thing happened with Heero? What if, despite his attempts to gain a rigid control over his body, the close proximity to Heero gave everything away? Yes, ideally he would have liked to share a bed with Heero, but he was too scared to do something like that. There was that small voice in the back of his mind that told him he didn’t deserve to do something that would make him so happy, but he was also very scared, unsure of what he really wanted to do.  
          There was this strange part of himself that wanted Heero to know, to understand how painful it was for him, but he knew that this desire was only born out of his need to get rid of the pain of a very deep secret and his hope that, if Heero _knew_ , then maybe he would confess to love him, too. But, he knew that that fantasy, as pleasant as it was, would remain a dream. After everything he had told him about his past, even if Heero _was_ gay, there was no way he could find him attractive. As far as he was concerned, sleeping next to Heero for five whole days was too big of a risk for him to take. He wondered how he had found the courage to confess his feelings for Heero to Trowa in the first place. It had been a secret he had been ready to take to the grave with him, but there had been something comforting about telling Trowa and, for whatever reason, Trowa had kept his secret. He hadn’t even told Quatre about it, let alone Heero, which had solidified Duo’s trust in him. To his shock, the bed decision was taken out of his hands, not by Heero, but by Wufei and Quatre.  
          “No offense,” Wufei said, “But I’m not comfortable sharing a bed with anyone. I’ll take a bed by myself, unless anyone else wants it, or I can take the floor if someone else wants a bed to themselves.”  
          Duo thought about protesting, thinking that not sharing a bed with anyone would be the best thing for him, but sleeping by himself seemed so… lonely. It reminded him of the sleepovers he and Heero had had, him lying on the air mattress, watching Heero sleep and wishing he had the courage to talk to him about all of his horrible thoughts. It was a stupid thought, of course, he slept by himself all of the time. He tried not to think about how used he had become to someone sleeping by his side in those days that Wes had had him chained to his bed, he tried to tell himself that it had nothing to do with now, or how lonely he sometimes felt late at night, but he thought of it, briefly, anyway. Yes, he slept by himself now, so he shouldn’t feel as though it would be lonely now, but in this situation, he felt more uncomfortable about sleeping alone than sharing a bed with one of his friends.  
          Not all that long ago he had told Name that no one had ever slept next to him without sex being involved, so it had felt awkward with her doing it and even worse when Heero did it. He had been whoring himself and dealing with Wes for so long that it was hard separating his old life from his new one, so little things like friends and family sharing a bed with him without anything sexual happening was difficult for him. He supposed that he could sleep on the floor, but he didn’t think that Heero would let him and, really, he didn’t want to. Looking back on his life, he realized how much he was changing. He thought that he was becoming a little bit spoiled. In the past, sleeping on the floor wouldn’t have fazed him, he would have even suggested that he sleep there to make the others more comfortable. But, in this new life of his, he was used to sleeping in a bed. He remembered his childhood and how, back then, he would have looked at the plush carpet of the hotel room with envy, compared to the cold cement or piles of garbage he had been used to back then. But he didn’t want to remember those times, didn’t want to remember being that person. He wasn’t sure if he liked the person he was turning into, but he still liked it better than who he had been. So, though he could protest about Wufei taking a single bed, he didn’t, because he didn’t really want to sleep alone in this strange place. Besides, if it made Wufei comfortable, he didn’t want to argue about it and he especially didn’t want him to sleep on the floor.  
          “Alright,” Quatre agreed, “In that case,” he slung his arm over Duo’s shoulders, who looked at him in confusion at the move, “Duo and I can take one bed and Trowa and Heero can take another.”  
          Duo and Heero looked at the short blonde in shock, neither of them expecting that he wouldn’t want to share a bed with Trowa, and the both of them feeling half disappointment and half relief at the decision.   
          “Don’t you want to share a bed with Trowa?” Heero asked. Trowa looked unconcerned about Quatre’s decision, almost as though he had been expecting it and Heero wondered if they had talked about it before they had even left.   
          “I wouldn’t want to be accused of anything,” Quatre said slyly. Heero caught the underlying meaning of his words. He wasn’t actually, jokingly, worried that they would accuse him and Trowa of having sex when they were sleeping so close to them, he was more worried about being unable to control himself and making the rest of them feel uncomfortable. Heero could see the wisdom in his decision. Though Duo wasn’t completely comfortable around Quatre, he was the least threatening of the four of them and, though he trusted Quatre and Trowa not to do anything to make Duo feel uneasy, it was best to destroy the temptation. To his surprise, Duo shrugged.  
          “It’s fine with me,” the longhaired boy said. Quatre grinned at him.  
          “Great! Now that that’s settled, why don’t we order room service for dinner? I’ll treat since this is a special occasion and I’ve never taken you guys out to dinner before,” the blonde offered. Wufei looked uncomfortable at the suggestion. He had grown up amongst rules of honor and that each individual must give and take an equal portion or it would destroy a very important balance. However, Wufei realized that Quatre probably hadn’t been brought up that way and was doing what he thought was right. He didn’t want to do anything to disrespect his new friend, so he kept quiet. Duo, on the other hand, didn’t see things that way and opened his mouth to protest. For once, he could pay for his share and didn’t want Quatre to think that he had to go out of his way to help him out. He wanted to prove that he could take care of himself, not rely on his friends for everything. Whatever he had been about to say died in his throat as Heero gave him a sharp look. He paused to think about Quatre’s actions. He hadn’t exactly insinuated that he was buying them dinner because they couldn’t afford it, just that today was special, which it was, and he wanted to treat them. Duo mused that he wanted to do the same thing and could see Quatre’s reasoning, so he dropped it. What little pride he had demanded that it wasn’t right, but he simply didn’t want to argue. Quatre was just doing something nice for them and he recognized that. He was also intrigued by the idea of getting room service. He understood the concept, but he had never indulged in it himself.   
          When no one vetoed Quatre’s suggestion, the room service menu was passed around. As they ate, Heero and Duo flipped through the tourist brochure. Duo thought that room service was an odd concept, it spoke of a deep laziness, having someone bring you your dinner, though you could just go downstairs and get it on your own, but it was fun, too. He had settled on a chicken, broccoli, and ziti dish, with lots of garlic. Garlic was something he had never had before living with Heero, but he loved it, despite Trowa’s ‘garlic breath’ jokes. Heero had gotten something with fish in it and Duo mused that if Trowa was really worried about food smells, the two of them would have gotten kicked out of the room. They were sitting on the floor to eat, disregarding the small table in the corner of the room that had a lamp on it. He could see that Quatre and Wufei were a little bit uncomfortable about not using the table, but he didn’t think that it was because sitting on the floor was uncomfortable, rather, the two of them had such deeply engrained ideals of manner and etiquette that eating on the floor was strange to them. He and Trowa felt comfortable doing it, though. He didn’t know about Trowa, but it certainly wasn’t the first time he had eaten this way and Heero seemed completely indifferent to it.   
          “Can we go to a museum tomorrow?” Duo asked as the arts and science section of the brochure caught his eye.  
          “Sure,” Quatre said brightly, “Have you ever been to one before?”  
          Duo shook his head.  
          “We don’t have any places like that back home, and if we didn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to afford to go,” he pointed out.  
          “Well, it sounds like something we should do while we’re here,” Trowa said. Duo felt relieved when his request wasn’t shot down outright. He knew that most of their classmates wouldn’t be caught dead in a museum or anything that had to do with science or history or art during this trip, but he supposed he was a bit of a ‘geek’. His knowledge of the world, the past, and the imaginations of others had been limited to his classes and textbooks. The idea of going to an entire _building_ filled with wonderful things like that made him intensely hungry for it. There was so much in life that he didn’t know, had never experienced, and he yearned to learn and do all that he could. If living with Wes had taught him anything, it was that life was cruel and painfully short and, if you had the ability to do something, you should just go out and do it. For the first time in his life, he actually had the ability to do so _many_ things. He had seen malls and restaurants and clubs and movie theaters, what he wanted to do in this new place was new things.   
          “Actually,” Wufei said, “the fine arts museum is only ten minutes from here by bus and there’s a lecture on French poetry I’d like to see.”  
          “Remember, we went there last time we were in Boston,” Quatre told Trowa with a soft expression on his face. Trowa smiled at him and linked their fingers together.  
          “I remember, it was one of the few times we came to this country with just the two of us,” Trowa said.  
          “I don’t think I’ve been since I was a kid,” Heero told them, “Are there still restaurants inside? What about the one that Mom brought us to that time?”  
          “Oh, well…” Quatre said with a wince, “I think that place is a little too high end for Duo…”  
          “What is that supposed to mean?” Duo demanded, feeling insulted, and a bit hurt that his friend would say that about him. Trowa gave his lover an annoyed look.  
          “What place? I don’t remember eating at the museum when we were there,” he said in an angry tone. Quatre sputtered, trying to find the right words. Heero put his hand over Duo’s tense one.   
          “He didn’t mean it like that,” he soothed, “But that place _isn’t_ something you’d like, now that I think about it. It’s stuffy, a sort of ‘use-the-right-fork’ restaurant. They only have three things on their menu and I guarantee that two of those you either won’t recognize or won’t like and the portions are tiny. It’s more about appearances than food.”  
          Duo made a face at that.  
          “What kind of restaurant serves only three things that you won’t even like?!” he demanded. Trowa chuckled.  
          “Sometimes, people pay for service more than a meal. I’m sure we can find a more casual restaurant with good food. Quatre’s right, neither you nor I would be comfortable in a place like that,” the green-eyed boy said. Quatre relaxed when he realized that his longhaired friend and lover were no longer angry at him.  
          “I’m so sorry, Duo,” he apologized profusely, “I didn’t mean that you were beneath that place, I just thought that you’d like someplace that’s more down to earth.”    
          Duo smiled reassuringly at his blonde friend.  
          “I’m sorry, too. I know you’d never say something like that. I kind of jumped to conclusions,” Duo said sheepishly, “It’s just… sometimes you and Heero overwhelm me. You guys are the only ones in a higher class than me that have ever treated me with any sort of respect. And, you’re right, I don’t think I’d like that place very much.”  
          Duo quickly realized that, if anyone else had said what Quatre had just said, he wouldn’t have snapped at them, or even felt as angry as he had. If anyone else had said it, it wouldn’t have hurt as much as hearing his friend say it, because he trusted them to not say those things. Everyone else, on the other hand, he was used to hearing it from. Quatre brightened at Duo’s assurances and he busied himself with tidying up their dishes, still embarrassed at his slip up, but feeling immensely better when his lover stood to help him. Wufei took out his pajamas from his suitcase and busied himself with tidying his things.  
          “So, when do you want to go swimming?” Heero suddenly asked Duo, who looked at him with shocked, wide eyes.  
          “You were serious?” he asked. He hadn’t thought that Heero would actually try to take him swimming tonight. The Japanese boy nodded.  
          “You seemed like you wanted to go when I brought it up and, like I said, you can keep your clothes on if it makes you feel uncomfortable, or we can just forget about the whole thing,” Heero offered. Duo pondered that for a few seconds. He _did_ want to go swimming. It was cool in their hotel room, but he still wanted to do it. He had told himself that he wanted to enjoy this vacation, relax and do things he wouldn’t normally do and the only reason he could think of to not take Heero up on his offer was a little bit of embarrassment over his shyness, but his yearning to swim was stronger.   
          “Sure,” he decided, “but I need to change, obviously,” he looked down at his jeans.  
          “Count me out,” Wufei said gruffly, only half paying attention to their conversation, “You two are crazy. Who would want to go swimming in the winter?”  
          “It’s almost March,” Duo pointed out.  
          “Still doesn’t make it spring,” Wufei grumbled.   
          Heero rolled his eyes, but Wufei was too busy with his things to notice. Duo was suddenly struck with the realization that Heero had had no intention of inviting their other friends along. He couldn’t even begin to think of the reason behind that. It felt very close to… something, something that he didn’t dare think about. He mused that it had been a long time since they had done anything with just the two of them and _that_ was the reason, but he either didn’t believe that or he didn’t _want_ to believe it, maybe a bit of both, because it was hard for him to swallow. Either way, it didn’t seem correct, somehow.   
  
End Part 6  
  



	27. Surgery Part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero and Duo go swimming together. Duo is reunited with a dear friend.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 7  
  
  
    When Heero had insisted that he didn’t have to wear shoes to go down to the pool, Duo had thought his best friend was pulling his leg. It was the sort of joke one of their classmates would have pulled on him, using his naiveté to make him do something bad, but he hadn’t thought that his friends would do something like that to him. It was that realization, that his friends would never be so cruel, that had made him leave their hotel room wearing nothing but his grey sleeping shorts and a long, loose fitting, blue t-shirt. He had been right, the hallway carpet _was_ amazingly plush and soft under his bare feet, but it still felt… inappropriate not to wear shoes while walking through the hotel, kind of like not wearing a shirt in the grocery store, even though it was really hot outside. He had never considered himself someone who had manners, but even when he saw others walking around bare footed, he felt weird about it. Also, like getting room service, it was a bit exciting, like breaking a rule and knowing you couldn’t get in trouble for it.   
          “Did you and Quatre come to Boston often when you were kids?” Duo asked as he and Heero got onto the elevator, partially in curiosity and partially to keep his mind off the fact that he was getting onto the scary box of metal again. However, when the gold doors closed, trapping them inside, he tensed. Heero’s close proximity keeping away the deep panic that wanted to explode in his chest. Just like the first time it had happened, Heero noticed Duo’s anxiety and pressed his shoulder against his. He didn’t say anything about it, worried that bringing attention to it would only make things worse.   
          “Mom had a lot of business in America when we were kids,” he told Duo, trying to keep his mind off of his deep seated feelings of confinement. He knew exactly where that fear had come from and he secretly seethed at Wes. Duo had been chained up in the dark for two whole weeks, so he wasn’t surprised that Duo had problems with closed spaces.  
          “Quatre and I had been very close, as long as his father let him, we did everything together. Dad went with us sometimes and when Mom was in meetings, he took us to museums and out to lunch,” Heero explained, “the science museum was always my favorite.”  
          Duo was amazed that, somehow, just be being with him, Heero could make his fear and anxiety go away. He smiled at him, almost instantly feeling better. He still felt a bit weird, though, wearing sleepwear and no shoes out in public like this. Of course, there were few people walking around to see them, but it still made him feel self-conscious. In the past, he never would have done it. As much as he could reason that he shouldn’t, couldn’t ever be shy of his body anymore, back then, he had worn baggy clothes, trying to cover up ever inch of his skin. It hadn’t been because he was afraid of anyone finding out about the abuse, it was simply because outside of the apartment and away from Wes, he had the luxury of dressing that way.  
          So, standing in an elevator with his long, thin legs completely bare down to his toes, he felt… awkward, a little like a skittish deer, his legs very thin and very pale. Out of a sort of unnamable, illogical fear, he never would have dressed this way, but around Heero, it had been easy. Heero made him feel safe and it had nothing to do with his power or money, as long as it was physically possible, Heero would protect him. He was the only one that had ever tried to and he hadn’t failed him yet. An odd feeling and a deep warmth filled him. It was safe to say that he had never felt this way for another person before. Lately, it was so easy for him to see the reasons why he had fallen for his best friend, even if he could never talk to him about it. His hand searched blindly for Heero’s, his fingers wrapping around the warm, larger hand. The elevator doors opened and Duo looked up at Heero, searching for some sort of disapproval, but he couldn’t see any. Heero smiled down at him and Duo immediately stopped searching, knowing that he would never find that look in Heero’s deep blue eyes.  
   
   
   
          As Heero opened the door to the pool using his room key card, Duo was hit with the strong smell of chlorine. It wasn’t an unpleasant smell, but he hadn’t gone swimming since Middle School and couldn’t remember ever smelling chlorine since then. The pool area looked nice, it was certainly bigger than what they had used in Middle School. The light blue tiles were smooth and clean under their feet and Duo that the hotel must have cleaned it very recently. There were a few, deep green plants around the pool, which was fairly large and the water was a deep blue. Duo was amazed to see that there was no one else besides them in the room and relaxed a bit more. He looked over at a small, circular pool that was off to the side, its water bubbling. He had heard of Jacuzzi’s before, but stayed clear of it. There was something about just sitting in hot water, doing nothing, that seemed useless and strange to him.   
          He looked back at Heero as the taller boy stood at the edge of the pool, near the stone steps that led into the shallow end. He put the little back pack that held their towels and key cards down and took a step into the pool. He looked back at Duo and smiled.  
          “I told you it would be ok,” he urged.  
          “I can’t believe that no one’s even here,” Duo murmured in agreement.   
          “It’s too late for little kids and it’s not summer, so not a lot of people would want to swim like they would usually,” Heero explained.  
          Duo watched with huge eyes as Heero peeled his white t-shirt off and shucked it in the direction of the back pack. Before the ability for intelligent thought left him completely, Duo realized that he had never seen Heero… shirtless before, though Heero had seen him naked. His heart raced incredibly fast as he watched Heero go into the pool. He was so very beautiful… His slightly tanned skin was perfect, utterly flawless and as he watched the muscles in his back move, he found it hard to breathe. He had never felt this way before. He had been with hundreds of naked men and it had gotten to the point where he had thought he could never feel anything for a man’s body, ever, but looking at Heero, he felt like he was going to melt away with the incredible things he was feeling. At this point in his life, he thought he could die happily. But, underneath his utter glee at the rush of arousal and happiness that was making his heart pound so harshly, Duo was stuck with the very dark emotion of inadequacy. Next to Heero’s beautiful, muscular form, he felt so small, ugly, and pathetic. He was too short, too skinny, too pale, too full of scars… That feeling of shame doused his arousal quicker than an icy shower and he looked at his friend with a hopeless sense of desperation. He would never be good enough for him, not even physically. He couldn’t even take his own shirt off, because he was so ashamed of his body. He wanted to pull his baggy shirt over his head and disappear.  
          Heero looked back at Duo worriedly when he noticed he wasn’t getting into the water and had a brooding look that Heero immediately didn’t like. Duo seemed to sense Heero’s perusal and finally moved towards the pool, sitting at the edge and stretching his legs out, but not putting them in the water just yet. Heero’s blue eyes widened as he saw the underside of his friend’s feet.  
          “What happened?” he demanded. Duo blinked in confusion before he realized where Heero was looking and blushed. On the bottoms of both of his feet were deep, long scars that were very old. He guessed that it didn’t really matter how hard he tried to hide his scars from the world, he couldn’t hide all of them.   
          “I told you that the first time I tried to run away, Wes slammed my head into the floor and that’s when I started having vision problems,” Duo said in a quiet voice, “But all that was, was his anger, it wasn’t my ‘punishment’. I spent all of that day lying on the floor of the apartment throwing up because my head hurt so much, but the next day, when I could finally think again without feeling like my head was going to split in half, Wes held me down and… he cut up the bottoms of my feet with a hunting knife. He said it was so I couldn’t run away again. He was right, even after my wounds healed, every time I thought about running again, I could only remember the pain of him forcing me to walk on my bloody feet. I never tried to run away again, not until I met you.”  
          “God, Duo,” Heero said breathlessly with a stricken look. Duo tried to smile reassuringly at him, but it was hard, remembering back then, how each step had seemed to put more and more weight on the slashes, the agony lacing up his legs, and the blood pooling underneath him.  
          “They don’t hurt anymore,” he said, but it sounded hollow. With a sigh, he put his feet into the water, partially to hide the hideous scars from Heero and partially in hope that the cold water would soothe the phantom ache he suddenly felt. His eyes widened as his feet touched the water. He had expected it to be like the pool in Middle school, cold even though the air had been hot back then, but this pool’s water was pleasantly warm, more like a bath than a pool. Heero caught his surprised look and chuckled.  
          “It’s a heated pool,” he told him, “Now, are you coming in or not?”  
          “I haven’t swum in a really long time,” Duo blurted out, the stomach-deep water and the very real memory of Zechs trying to drown him made him suddenly fearful that his previous swimming lessons would fail him and he would either end up drowning or looking like an idiot in front of Heero. However, Heero smiled at him warmly.  
          “I won’t let you drown,” he said softly and Duo instantly felt like an idiot anyway for his fear.  
          The water felt just as good as it had in Middle school as Duo walked down the steps and let himself float in the shallow end. He had a very brief moment of panic as his feet left the pool floor, but his body seemed to remember how to swim and float, because he didn’t sink. That first moment of weightlessness was wonderful and peaceful to him. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, letting his braid float in the warm water.   
          Heero had watched his friend carefully as he had gone into the water. He had told Duo that he wouldn’t let him drown, but he felt on edge about it and wished that Duo had warned him beforehand. However, something seemed to click inside of Duo and he floated and swam easily as though he had never forgotten how, even for a second. When Duo closed his eyes, a blissful, relaxed look settled on his face and Heero felt his chest tighten. With his long braid trailing in the water with its shimmering colors and his long, pale limbs moving slightly to keep himself a float, his best friend looked like a gorgeous mermaid to him, completely at home in the water. It made Heero’s heart ache, not only seeing just how beautiful Duo was, but also how very little he got to see of him like this, with not shyness or fear or haunting pain. He felt more than a little bit proud of himself for having given Duo this little moment, and for having been able to witness it.  
   
   
   
          After about an hour of just floating around each other, Heero jibed Duo into racing him. Swimming around each other in the large, deep blue pool was just as relaxing as when they had been still. It was the first time he had seen Duo laugh so freely, just acting like a teenager without the ghosts waiting behind his eyes to consume him. There was something strangely… intimate… seeing Duo with his long bangs stuck to his forehead, smiling at him, that Heero couldn’t place. They both felt sad when they realized they needed to go back to the room and go to bed. When Heero first watched Duo get out of the water, his clothes clinging to him, giving him the appearance of a wt cat, Heero wanted to laugh, but he was just as swiftly struck with the image of Duo’s clothes, nearly see through, plastered to his form. He froze in toweling his hair dry, his mouth and throat feeling raw, like he had swallowed sand, and his blood pulsated through his body. He couldn’t pull his eyes away from the sight of Duo’s slim, wet body and it wasn’t until Duo started to wring the water out of his clothes and look at him sheepishly that he managed to snap out of his stupor.   
          “I probably should have brought dry clothes,” the longhaired boy said, starting to work on his braid, which had retained even more water than his shirt. Heero found himself grinning at the sheer amount of water that dripped out of those long locks.  
          “It’s fine,” he assured him, brushing off his arousal like he had done hundreds of times before, even as a little, hidden bit of it remained to haunt him, “Both of us need to take showers anyway.”  
          Duo made a face, remembering how hard it was getting chlorine out of his long hair. Still, the slightly grimy feeling of the chemical on his skin made him yearn for a hot shower, and he was a bit tired from the long trip and swim, so a warm bed was equally tempting, even if it was a strange one. He would get over it. It wasn’t the first time he had lied down in a bed that wasn’t his own.  
  
  
    The shower in their room was a bit smaller than the one in his own bathroom at home, but Duo had never been one to complain about something like that and had just been glad that they had hot water. Getting the chlorine out of his long hair took longer than he had thought, but Heero had gone in before him and the others had showered while they had been swimming, so he didn’t need to rush, even if ancient instincts told him that this shower wasn’t really _his_. Even far away from home, Duo fell into his usual night time ritual. He washed his hair, combed it as soon as he got out of the shower, braiding it to keep it from snarling, took his medicine, and dressed in his pajamas.  
          Walking out of the bathroom and taking in their hotel room, the others already in bed and probably asleep in preparation for the early day they would be having tomorrow. Duo was suddenly hit with the realization of how far from home he _was_. His heart clenched painfully in his chest as fear threatened to sweep him up. He flicked the bathroom light off and walked slowly to the bed he and Quatre were sharing. The curtains to the window were closed, but some of the city lights, always on he supposed, bled through, allowing him to see where he was going in the dark room. He slipped into bed with his friend, though it made him feel very weird doing so. Quatre, like him, slept on his side and the picture of his friend’s face, so completely relaxed in sleep that he reminded Duo of a child, made him smile. He wondered what it was like to sleep like that, without worry, stress, or nightmares, to be able to let everything go and not be on edge. He wondered if he would ever know what that felt like. But, even now, in a place where Wes couldn’t touch him, he was scared to fall asleep, afraid of what he would find when he woke, of _who_ he would find. He tried to let that fear wash over him, but it refused to release him and his heart pounded in the dark, listening to the familiar breathing of his friends, unable to use them to calm himself.  
          Though their backs weren’t quite touching, Duo could feel Quatre’s heat very close to him. It, oddly, made him feel both comforted and lonely at the same time. In that moment, for a reason he couldn’t quite voice or describe, Duo wanted to roll over and wrap his arms around the little blonde, to revel in the presence of another living, breathing creature. Instead, he hugged his pillow tightly and buried his face in it, trying to use his tiredness to drown out how lonely he felt in a strange place, in the dark, listening to the sounds of the city outside the window and his friends sleeping nearby. He was safe… he told himself this over and over, but he suddenly missed his own bed, a feeling that he scoffed at because he certainly didn’t miss the room he had had in Wes’ apartment. He realized that, though he had lived there most of his life, his old bedroom had never really felt like _his_ , just another place, another strange bed. He missed Name, too, another thing that he had to scoff at, considering he had seen her jut that morning and would see her at the end of the week. Still, it felt too familiar to him, lying in the dark, listening to breathing, not really knowing where he was and missing people that he loved, but, though the situation was similar when he thought of it like that, they were also very different. The room was not completely dark like Wes’ had been.  
          Duo looked at the window and wondered if Quatre had chosen this bed because it was closer to the light, or if it had just been pure luck. He chastised himself for equating this moment to that nightmarish part of his life. Yes, he was in a strange place, but the breathing he was hearing was not Wes, or a stranger’s, they were his friends. He wasn’t pining for something, and someone, he could never have. Though Name was far away, she loved him, he knew that now, and she knew where he was, and Heero was only a few feet away…  
          With hundreds of thoughts whirling around in his brain, Duo wanted to slam his head against something solid, just so he could sleep. He was tired, but he couldn’t stop thinking. He wondered how he had gotten here, how he had gotten from chained up to a bed in the dark, hurt and slowly becoming insane, to lying in a soft bed, with his friends. Honestly, he couldn’t figure it out. He almost felt like he was in shock, though he guessed he had felt that way his entire life, unable to truly understand what was happening in his life. He couldn’t quite recall how he had gone from being a cheap whore and punching bag to being friends with some of the kindest people he had ever met, working, not for a pimp, but for an actual retail store, not missing his freedom or his health, but his stand-in mother and his home, something he had been sure he would never find, let alone have. He wondered about that, too. Why did he feel so comfortable and at peace in Heero’s house? Oh, it wasn’t such a mystery now, he had been living there for months now and some of the best memories he had were there. But he had felt that way even before Name had moved him in straight out of the hospital.  
          Duo blinked at the dark wall as his mind came up with the answer to his question easily. Beyond the comfort and love he had found in Heero and his mother, as out of place he still felt there, he didn’t feel awkward and uncomfortable like he did in some places. He realized it was because there had been so little history in the house when he had first walked into the door that first weekend. Usually, when he rarely went to a john’s house or apartment, he could literally sense the history of the place and would feel oddly… alienated and displaced. He had never felt that way in Heero’s house. He felt alienated for a completely other reason, but never because he felt like a stranger in someone else’s home. He realized that Heero and Name didn’t have a history so completely separate from him. He didn’t wonder about all the things they had done in that house before he had met them. He had slept over the very first week that they had moved there and, in a very strange way, he felt like the house was every bit _his_ as Heero’s, even if he did feel out-classed by it. He had just as much history in that house as Heero did, and even more emotions tied to it.  
          Every muscle in Duo’s body stiffened like hard rock as he felt a thin arm wrap around his waist and a small, warm body snuggle against his back. His thoughts froze along with the rest of him and his skin gave a small, awkward shudder. He didn’t cry out, however, nor did he try to shove the person off of him. When his brain finally re-engaged, he managed to see it as a good thing. Not too long ago, he would have shoved Quatre off the bed and hidden in the corner.  
          “Trowa,” Quatre murmured and Duo felt himself slowly start to relax. There wasn’t anything erotic about the way Quatre was touching him, or the way he had said his lover’s name, which was what finally made his baser instincts realize that the person holding him wasn’t a threat. Logically, he knew that it was Quatre, but his fear had clouded his brain and now that it was finally retreating, he felt this silly, giddy sort of glee at his reaction to his fear, or rather, his lack of one. He hadn’t had a panic attack at another person’s touch, a person that wasn’t Heero or Name, he had been afraid, but he hadn’t actually panicked. Considering all of his other problems, it seemed so small, but at this point, he was grabbing at whatever he could. Ironically, it was the feeling of Quatre’s safe, comfortable warmth that made him settle in a half-sleep. He suddenly felt a stab of guilt when he realized what Quatre’s calling out for his boyfriend meant. He didn’t know why Quatre had insisted on sharing a bed with him, but he wasn’t the one that his blonde friend wanted. If he hadn’t been there, Quatre would have slept with Trowa, but he hadn’t exactly pushed Quatre into it, either. He had no idea how to fix something that he didn’t even know how it had come to be. That feeling of Quatre’s warmth made him think, fleetingly, of Shei and the rest of his brood. He felt another pang of guilt at making Name take up his responsibilities towards the felines. He had never experienced something like that. He had always seen his cats as solely his and when Name had told him that, if he wanted to keep his cats, he would have to be the one to take care of them. He hadn’t wanted to leave Shei. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Name, she was the kindest, most responsible adult he had ever met, but he wasn’t used to taking care of something that was relying solely on _him_. All of his other cats had been feral and used to fending for themselves. Thinking about Shei and the care she needed made him feel anxious. He had been sleeping with his cats and he drifted off thinking about what a poor substitute the cool pillow was in comparison to the warm, living creature pressed against his back.   
   
*****  
   
        _It was pitch dark, but he didn’t need any light to tell him where he was. He could smell the blood and semen in the air, could feel the heavy manacles around his wrists and ankles. The darkness pressed against him like an oppressive force and he could feel it filling himself every time he breathed. His heart tightened in his chest and beat wildly like a trapped, useless butterfly. The bed underneath his naked body was cold and damp, telling him that Wes wasn’t sleeping next to him like he usually did. That fact should have made him feel good, but instead, it made him feel horribly sick inside, it made him want to rip off his hands and feet, just so he could stumble off the bed and find **someone** , so he wouldn’t be alone anymore in this dark, hellish place. He had been stuck here for so long… Why couldn’t he get out? He just wanted out of this darkness! Duo squeezed his eyes shut, but even he realized how useless that was, either way, he was blind. _  
_“Duo, get up,” a deep, familiar voice ordered. Duo opened his eyes, blinking in the dark and realizing that he could see **something**. There was a pair of crimson eyes, like a jackal or devil, piercing through the dark at him. Duo blinked until his vision cleared and he, inexplicably, saw Shi sitting on the edge of the bed, watching him with a strange expression, the dog tags he always wore shining as brightly as his friend’s eyes. It had been a very, very long time since he had seen the impressive, long haired man and his heart seemed to constrict even more seeing him so close. He very badly wanted to hug him and tell him how utterly terrified he was. The chains took on an even greater hatred and depression for him, knowing he couldn’t even reach out and touch Shi. _  
_“I can’t,” he choked out, shocking himself at how raw his unused voice was. Shi cocked his head, his eyes burning into Duo’s._  
 _“Who says?” the blonde man asked with a toothy grin. Duo stared at him incredulously. Shi had always had this way of making him believe things that had previously filled him with doubt. He would never say it out loud, but it had been Shi who had, inadvertently, talked him into trying to go to school._  
 _“I can’t!” Duo protested, too afraid of what he would find if he pulled on his bonds, either that he really was trapped and the hope Shi had made bloom inside of him would die stillborn, or he would discover that Shi was right, like he always was, and he had spent all those horrible hours and days and weeks in the dark, by his own choice, “Wes-,”_  
 _“You’re going to believe that fucker over me?” Shi questioned with a hurt tone that made Duo want to cry and apologize. Suddenly, horribly, Shi got off the bed and started to walk away._  
 _“No! Don’t leave me!” Duo sobbed, panicking with the thought of him leaving. It went beyond his fear of being abandoned. He had already lost one of his friends and he didn’t want to lose another, for any reason. To his utter relief, Shi turned to look back at him with a devastated expression._  
 _“I’m not leaving you, Duo,” he said softly, “We’ll never leave you and you never left us, you never will. Lying in the dark is hard, but walking through it is even worse. The two of us know this better than most,” he smiled at Duo, “But when you’re ready, we’ll be waiting.”_  
   
*****   
   
   
          Duo awoke, not to the dark wall near his side of the bed, or the shut window, or even the creamy colored ceiling, but to a pair of wide, deep aqua eyes staring at him. He gave out a sharp sound, almost a cry, and would have crawled back if he wasn’t so afraid of falling off the bed and cracking his head on the wall.  
          “Quatre! I told you to _wake_ him, not scare him half to death!” he heard Heero snarl. He looked away from Quatre’s gaze and saw Heero and Trowa standing near them, Heero glaring at Quatre and Trowa looking amused. He could faintly hear Wufei doing something in the bathroom and Duo realized that he was the only one that was still dressed in his pajamas. Both Heero and Trowa had their packs made for the day, lying at their feet. Both Quatre and Duo blushed in unison.  
          “I didn’t want to wake him because he looked so peaceful!” Quatre blurted out in protest. Duo had the urge to bury his face in his pillow and pretend the last three minutes hadn’t happened, preferably fall back to sleep, but he realized why everyone was already dressed and tried to mask his embarrassment by rolling out of bed.   
          “I’m awake already,” he grumbled, his shame at having people stare at him in his sleep, while he was only dressed in his night clothes, making him feel defensive.  
          “Can I get dressed without all of you gawking at me?” he asked dryly.  
          “Are you sure?” Trowa chuckled, grinning at Duo, “I bet you’re just as adorable and interesting dressing as sleeping.”  
          Duo mocked glared at him while Quatre gave his lover a dirty look as he realized he was being made fun of.   
          “Duo, I’m done,” Wufei announced as he finally stepped out of the bathroom, looking confused at Duo and Quatre’s annoyed looks. Duo felt a bit of his annoyance at his own embarrassment ebb away as excitement filled him.  
          “Thanks, ‘Fei,” he said happily, not noticing how his Chinese friend blushed darkly at the pet name, grabbing some clothes and retreating to the bathroom to get ready for the day and discard his remaining shock and embarrassment at having his friends watching him sleep.  
   
*****  
   
          Duo met his own eyes in the bathroom mirror and rubbed at them with the back of his hand. He didn’t make a habit of looking at his reflection. He had always been afraid of what would be looking at him, had always been worried about the disgust he would feel at himself. The last time he had looked in a mirror and had truly _seen_ himself had been during the storm and the black out and he had scared himself in the flashes of lightning. He had been so pale, so thin and sick back then, he had actually thought he was half dead. Looking in the mirror now, he remembered Name telling him how much better he looked.   
          He did look better. Despite the tossing and turning he had done last night, he didn’t have dark circles under his eyes and he didn’t look haggard at all. He supposed he would always be pale and thin, too many years of staying indoors instead of going outside, too many years of skipping meals and going hungry for days on end. But, he didn’t look half-dead anymore. He couldn’t count his ribs and he had muscle tone for the first time in his life.   
 Emotionally, he was the happiest he had ever been and that counted for something, right?  
          He changed into clean clothes and combed and re-braided his hair, trying to keep his thoughts on the mindless tasks, but it was impossible. He kept going around in circles from the insults he had heard yesterday, the swim with Heero that had seemed so close to something he didn’t dare reach for, to the dream that somehow still lingered in perfect clarity. His other group of friends… how long had it been since the day Wes had released him from his chains and he had shakily told them about the man’s confessions of love? How long had it been since Shi and Solo had hugged him? He realized how selfish he was being, not wanting to see them, simply because they reminded him of his other life, of a life filled with pain and loneliness. It hadn’t been all bad, though. For all of the horrible things that Wes had put him through, the friendship he had had with his fellow prostitutes had been so solid, so tangible, that he now felt so strange not having that safety net. He had a different safety net now, a different set of friends, but he had been unaware of the trade. He wondered if they were ok, wondered if they thought he was dead.  
          At the very least, the only ones around to worry about his absence were Shi, Solo, and Hi. He wondered if they had kept in touch with Alex, Aluxiel, and Amaaya, but didn’t see how they could. He wished Shi or Solo had known where they had gone, but he wondered if he would have the courage to see them even if he knew. Yuki… oh, God, Yuki… he had tried very hard not to think about him, but that was just so… disrespectful. Why should he put Yuki out of his mind? He had been such a good friend and Duo couldn’t help but wonder what had happened, if he could have done anything to stop it. Duo had to bite down hard on his tongue to keep tears from forming. How old had he been? He couldn’t remember, no older than his late twenties. Fuck, but that seemed so young. The irony that he, himself, had never expected to see his twenties did not escape him, but this seemed different somehow. He wondered if Yuki had suffered or if his death had been quick. He hadn’t known very much about Yuki, none of them had, but they had accepted him. He had been quiet, but whenever Duo had just needed someone to listen to him, he had known he could depend on the black haired boy. He wondered if there had been a funeral. He wondered where he was buried, if he had been buried. He hoped not. It wouldn’t have been Yuki’s style, for rituals and fussing, he would have wanted something simple and clean, not that deep… rotting in the earth. He would have wanted to be cremated, his ashes spread over the ocean. Yuki had liked the ocean and Duo could see the resemblance between them, both quiet, but unfathomably deep. It seemed so… sad… that, even in death, his friend hadn’t gotten what he wanted. A tear finally escaped, but Duo didn’t notice its existence. He missed him. It was strange, to miss something that you knew so little about, and hadn’t seen very often, so deeply, but, seen or not, Yuki had always been there, for all of them. Then, suddenly, he was just… gone. It seemed so impossible… _Yuki_ of all people… And just to add insult to injury, he could have had two more weeks of memories with the man if Wes hadn’t chained him up. That fact would always tear and gnaw at him, until the day he died. He wondered who he blamed more, Wes, the nameless man that had killed his friend, or himself.   
          That dream last night had scared him, and maybe that was why he couldn’t let it go. He had had similar dreams of that dark, terrible place that had become his own, personal little hell, but never before had one of his old friends intruded in them. It was so… odd. It seemed important, if he could only pinpoint _why_ , but he had never been adept at psychoanalyzing himself. Shi… damn, but he was a horse of a different color from Yuki, from the rest of them, really. Everyone knew Shi’s story, the tall blonde had, unlike the rest of them, never shied away from his past. Unlike Solo and Duo, Shi had had a damn near perfect life, had known his last name and age. He had had parents, even a little brother, but then his family had died in a car crash and he had gone to live with his mother’s father, who had, in turn, raped and abused him until Shi had run away. He had tried to live on his own, but in the end had realized how hard that was and had fallen into prostitution. However, Shi, to Duo’s knowledge, had never become cowed by his abuse, though he had become extremely over protective of his loved ones because of it. Unlike himself, Shi had shoved his fear aside and had simply become angry. Preferring to beat the holy hell out of whatever got in his way, instead of running from it. He wasn’t exactly a rage-aholic, but Duo had known him to use anger like a shield against the world, even if he had never turned that anger against any of them, even if, with the people he loved, he was one of the kindest, gentlest people Duo had ever met and he couldn’t help but wonder if that was Shi’s natural protectiveness showing through, or if what he had suffered in his short life had created that kindness in him. If Solo was their group’s leader, their iron will, then Shi was their protective, driving force, the thing that kept them safe, kept them from falling completely into darkness. Their vicious, guiding lion… Was that why he had dreamed him? Because he thought that Shi could keep him safe? But Shi wasn’t around now and he felt the same way about Heero and Name.  
          The dream had started the same way, it always did, the darkness, the panic, being tied to the bed, the only major difference was Wes’ absence, something that he couldn’t understand. His ‘guardian’ had overwhelmed his dreams and his sudden disappearance was startling. But, through the darkness, it hadn’t been Wes that had come for him, but Shi. He couldn’t deny that the two men had similarities. They were both stubborn, powerful, and impressive, but beyond that, they were like light and dark, both were similar measurements, but so utterly different, it was hard to compare them at all. Wes had always been a silent, terrible force in his dreams, but Shi had actually _spoken_ to him. Shi and Solo had always had this strange… confidence in him, like he was better than them, could go further and do things that they couldn’t even dream of. He had never known how to react to that, and even though it had had only been a dream, Shi’s confidence that he could free himself from the chains baffled him. Bound to a bed, weak and sick and vulnerable, how could he? That Shi, dream or not, had acted hurt over him believing Wes made Duo feel uncomfortable, like he had betrayed his friend. When had he started to feel like Wes had more influence in his life than his friends? Probably always. It wasn’t something he was proud of, and he realized that Shi was right. That was why he still felt trapped. Wes was still out there, he, though some reason Duo still couldn’t understand, had let him go. What had been the point? He wasn’t really free, how could he be when he had been unable to help himself? Was that what his brain was trying to tell himself? That Wes was still in control, that he could take him back whenever he wanted. How could that possibly be called freedom? Or maybe his self-conscious was telling him just how pointless running from his past was. It was always going to be there, no matter what he did, yet the thought of Shi and Solo being there for him, or being unable to discard them, was more of a comfort than an anxiety.  
          Duo sighed deeply, glaring at his reflection. He didn’t want to think of those things. He just wanted to enjoy his day. Why couldn’t he do that? He splashed water in his face, to both wake himself up and to hide the few tears he had shed. Feeling oddly, heavily burdened, he left the bathroom, but forced himself to be immersed in his excitement for the day.  
   
*****  
   
          Boston at night and Boston during the day were like two completely different cities. Breakfast had been easy and quick. The hotel seemed to have a standard buffet breakfast for everyone in the hotel and their school had taken blatant advantage of it. To Duo, it felt a lot like eating at the school cafeteria, avoiding his fellow classmates and picking and choosing what he wanted visually, instead of from a menu. The idea of being able to have pancakes, waffles, and bagels, all at once at no extra charge, was pretty incredible to Duo. His instinct to eat everything in front of him when he could combined with his new found joy in comfort foods like waffles and fresh fruit that Name supplied for him all the time and he ended up eating more than he would have normally. Usually, his stomach, so used to not eating very much, would keep him from doing it, but there was some sort of carefree feeling in the air as their classmates chatted loudly and excitedly around them that had made Duo indulge. He knew that Heero was watching and making sure he didn’t make himself sick, so he let himself relax about it. He was surprised, leaving the hotel and getting on the bus for the museum, that they were the only ones from their school on it. There were a few elderly couples and one family with two little kids, but that was all. It made Duo want to roll his eyes, even though it also relieved him to know he wouldn’t have to deal with his classmates. He didn’t think his anxiety towards them was sad, he had just spent too many years being ignored and bullied by them to think any differently. Besides, compared to the friends he had now, he really didn’t want to know any of them.  
          Despite the fact that the sun was shinning brightly and Duo knew what a pleasant day it was going to be, Boston during the day seemed so dull and gray after seeing the brilliant colored lights of last night, but during the day, he could see the structures of the buildings better. He really did feel like a ‘country bumpkin’, noting with surprise at how _tall_ everything was. Just looking at all the traffic and streets gave him a headache and seeing the massive, ancient-looking building that was the art museum made it even worse. It was huge, mostly white with banners advertising exhibits and stone pillars everywhere.   
          “Damn,” he muttered to himself, “it’ll take all day just to walk from one end to another!”  
          Heero chuckled at him.  
          “Some of the exhibits are pretty hands on, so there’s a lot of space for it, and there’s a theater, too,” he explained, “it’s really not too bad, and if you get tired, we can leave.”  
          Duo gave his best friend a look that clearly said that wasn’t going to happen. He didn’t care how tired he got, he wanted to see every inch of the museum. He mused that Solo would love to go to a place like this. It was something that Solo didn’t like other people to know, that he liked art. He was the only person Duo knew that could tell the difference between ‘egg shell’ white and ‘snow’ white. He remembered one night when he was twelve, he had shown up on Solo’s corner with a broken arm and a bad cough and the older boy had sat down, right in the midst of big busted whores and horny johns and had filled the entire sidewalk with very realistic-looking butterflies using some chalk they had pilfered from a dumpster, just to make him smile. It was just little things like that that made him wish he could love Solo more than a very good friend and made him feel so guilty about avoiding him.  
   
*****  
   
          Sometimes, when they both got off at the same time, Duo and Solo had walked by St. Peter’s one and only art gallery, Brushings, a corny name, Duo had always thought. They could never see much in the dark, but the few painting they had seen through the windows had filled Solo’s eyes with an odd expression of both wistfulness and excitement. .Standing in front of a huge painting with his four friends while a tour guide leading a small group of families droned on next to them, Duo could understand that look now. It was a simply painting of a puddle on a sidewalk after a rainstorm, not very exciting, but it was the colors that made it absolutely beautiful. It made him ache to want to have that ability, to make people see the beauty in the smallest things.  
          “Are you enjoying yourself?” Heero whispered as they followed the larger group towards the door leading to the next room. Duo nodded vigorously.  
          “I’m glad we came,” he said with a rare, bright smile, “Everything here is beautiful, even the dark stuff. It makes me wish I had that sort of talent.”  
          “You’re better than the rest of our art class,” Heero pointed out. Duo snorted as softly as he could, which he found was pretty hard.  
          “But nothing like this stuff,” he replied. Heero gave him a strange, affectionate smile.  
          “You’ve never had a problem getting people’s attention and showing them your worth,” he said softly and walked ahead of him. Duo paused, looking at him with wide, shocked eyes. He felt that his brain would implode trying to figure out what Heero had meant. It wasn’t true, most of his life he had been ignored by the people around him, but hadn’t Wes noticed him? Hadn’t Heero and Zechs noticed him? He still couldn’t figure out why they had ‘seen’ him, when so many hadn’t wanted to. And he certainly didn’t think he had ever shown _anyone_ his worth, if there was such a thing. Before he could move to follow his group, something in the previous room caught his eye. On the far wall was a large, dark colored painting of two children playing in the mud. It was an odd, but powerful piece of art, the two children horribly thin and sick looking, but they both wore brilliant, enthralled smiles as they played. When Duo had first seen it, he had been drawn to it, thinking of his own childhood, but now, it wasn’t the painting that made him walk back into the room and towards the far wall. Standing in front of the painting was a woman who was giving it the same intense perusal as he had. She was tall, with long legs clothed in jeans, her long, ebony hair falling down her sleeveless denim jacket. What made his heart stop in his chest was the tattoo he could see on her tan, right arm. In white ink was a large, powerful tiger, in red, a beautiful phoenix, its tail wrapped around the tiger and its wings spread in a fiery spectacle, and a serpentine dragon in black. All three creatures were laced with a deep, breath-taking blue, and even though he couldn’t see her face, he knew the girl’s eyes would be that exact, incredible blue.  
          “Amaaya!” he called and even he could hear the utter shock in his voice. The girl whirled and, though he had somehow known it was her, he felt startled to realize it really _was_ her. Suddenly, painfully, wonderfully, he felt drawn into the past, a past filled with long, lonely nights, a past filled with him and the best friends he had had huddled together at a familiar street corner, a past filled with sex and violence, a past filled with tears and sidewalks filled with beautiful butterflies made of stolen, crumbly chalk.  
          “Oh, God… Duo…” he heard her say so softly, so breathlessly, that she was almost impossible to understand, but then they were hugging each other and little things like words didn’t matter anymore. Their embrace was strong, and a bit awkward since Amaaya was much taller than Duo, but it didn’t bother either of them. Amaaya was holding him so tightly, Duo could feel her nails digging into his skin, but he didn’t care anymore than she cared that his cheek was pressed against her breasts covered by her tight, black tank top, both because she was so overwhelmed by seeing him again and because he was one of the few men who truly didn’t care about her figure.   
          “I never thought that I’d see you again,” she said in a small voice when they finally let go of each other, seeing the same thought echoes in Duo’s eyes.  
          “I know,” Duo said breathlessly, his eyes brimming with unfettered joy, “One day, you and Alex and Aluxiel were just… gone and Solo and Shi told me you guys had left town. I can’t believe you’re _here_!”  
          “But what are you doing here?” Amaaya questioned in confusion. Duo paused, realizing that she didn’t know what had happened, that the last time they had seen each other had been when he had run away from school and had been so distraught over Heero. It was in him, at that moment, to lie and gloss over the whole thing, but he had never lied to them, knowing that they were the very few people he didn’t _have_ to lie to and found himself actually wanting to tell her the horrible story. The worried glint in Amaaya’s eyes just made his decision easier. He realized that she probably thought he had run away from Wes and was trying to hide from him. That ideal made him want to snort. Before Heero, he never would have tried running away and after, he wouldn’t have run _far_. Besides, been there, done that, he had the scars and mental demons to prove it. He nearly blurted out asking if she knew Yuki was dead, but realized that that was what had scared the three of them into running.  
          “It’s not a very long story,” he assured her, “Eventually, I ran away from home. I couldn’t handle being with Wes and thinking about how much Heero hated me. I had to get away, even if it was just for a little while, just so I might be able to see Heero again, even if I could never face him,” Duo stuttered over the word ‘home’, but continued to bull through the tale. He was so used to ‘home’ meaning ‘with Heero’, but Amaaya certainly didn’t know that, “I didn’t get very far. Wes found me and kept me under lock and key for two weeks,” by the sickened, furious look in his friend’s eyes, Duo knew that he didn’t have to elaborate that bit for her, thankfully. He wasn’t sure that he could tell that part of the story again, but Amaaya and the others had been aware of Wes’ threat, even if they probably hadn’t believed he would go through with it.   
          “He didn’t keep me locked up forever, though,” he tried to reassure her and felt stupid doing it since, if he was walking around Boston, what had happened was pretty obvious, “I begged him to let me ok, though I never thought he actually would. He did, though, and told me that he loved me,” Duo nearly stumbled over his words again, but refused to let the story get to him, telling himself that months had passed and he had to start moving on, even if it was a complete lie, “When he let me go, I found Solo and shi and they told me what had happened with… Yuki… and you three,” despite his best efforts, Duo did stumble over his words that time, “Heero found me after that. He had been looking for me, can you believe that?!” Duo gave out an almost laugh, he still couldn’t believe that after all the things he had done to his best friend, that he had still cared for him, “I told him what I was and we argued a bit. By that point, being locked up and all, I was pretty ill and said and did things that were pretty stupid. I tried to run away from Heero, but I was in too much pain and he ended up finding me again,” Duo almost laughed again at the thought that he did more than his fair share of running in his life, was still doing it, really, “He took me to the hospital. He… forgave me, for everything, even when I told him everything, including my past. Eventually, I got better and when I was released, I went to live with him and his mother. I’m back at school now, too. That’s why I’m in Boston, we’re all on a field trip, so I guess it’s ‘happily ever after,’ huh?” Duo finished and couldn’t help a slight spark of bitterness from entering his tone at what a lie ‘happily ever after’ was. Was he happy? Yeah, he was, but his life was far from perfect, even if he was living in the ivory tower with the prince of his dreams. He was a far cry from a buxom, golden princess and his prince seemed to despise that princess a lot. But content was a start, right? He wondered what Heero’s ‘happily ever after’ was, but was damn sure that it didn’t include him and he had to struggle so that Amaaya couldn’t see the sudden dark thought in his eyes. He knew that she wouldn’t bring up how painful the aftermath was, trying to live with your past trailing behind you like an ugly, slathering beast and just how utterly terrifying the dark was, even without the monsters lurking in it.   
          As Duo talked, Amaaya’s expression went from fury, to devastation, to depressed, to relief, then finally settled on the unfettered joy Duo had had earlier.  
          “Oh, sweetie,” she murmured in the maternal way that always left Duo’s heart bleeding for something he couldn’t ever manage to put to words. She gave him another hug, softer and briefer than the first one and Duo was suddenly struck with how tall Amaaya was, or how short he was, he couldn’t tell.  
          “Are you happy, Duo?” she asked in concern, “The last time I saw you…” she shook her head, her long hair swirling around her like a dark could, “I never want to see you like that again. Do these people take good care of you?”  
          Duo nodded enthusiastically.  
          “They’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I owe them so much, but they don’t care about that. They treat me like… like I’m part of the family,” he confessed.  
          Amaaya felt something tight that had been squeezing her heart release a little. Ever since the night that Shi had brought Duo out of the rain, freezing and wet and on the verge of tears, and Solo had introduced him, she had felt a strange protectiveness towards him. It had been strange because it wasn’t really in her nature to be motherly towards anyone, but there was something about Duo that made her want to wrap him up in a blanket and protect him from all the bad things. No one deserved what he had gone through in his life and she was glad that he had finally found someone to treat him right, to give him the things to make him happy. She knew first hand that a lot of people didn’t mind doing things for others, but only at a cost, only with the belief that their debt would be repaid. She was relieved that this Heero’s family wasn’t like that. She didn’t really know what to think about Duo’s feelings for the boy he was living with, didn’t know how painful it was for him because she had never been in love herself, so she could find no words to comfort, or explore, what he might be feeling.   
          “Good,” she smiled gently at him, “That’s exactly how you deserve to feel. I didn’t want you, any of us, to end up like Yuki. I’m glad you got out in time.”  
          Duo couldn’t help but shudder at thinking of Amaaya dying like Yuki had. He watched in confusion as the girl untied a blue ribbon that had been wrapped around her wrist and held it out to him like something sacred.  
          “It’s Yuki’s,” she explained in a somber tone.   
          Duo stared at the deep blue tie and realized that it was something sacred. He found that he couldn’t reach for it, feeling like he had so long ago when Helen had presented him with her cross. Yuki hadn’t been like her, but at the same time, he _had_. He had been his friend and he never should have died like that. He didn’t feel like he could take anything of his, even if it was something little like a hair tie, because in reality, nothing that his dead friend had owned could be called ‘little’. Looking at the satiny piece of ribbon, Duo was struck violently by the realization that he would never see Yuki again. Logically, his head had known that he was dead, but his heart had refused to let it really sink in.   
          “I… I can’t,” he stammered, feeling strange about being offered one of Yuki’s possessions like he was a family member. He realized that he sort of was. If Yuki had any family out there, they probably hadn’t been notified or just didn’t care. The group of whores that Yuki had hung out with was the closest to family he had had. He couldn’t help but pick at the thought of his own mystery family and if Solo and the others would have ever known if Wes had ended up killing him, or if they would have always wondered what had happened to him. He almost shuddered at the thought of what would have happened to his body, if the cops would have found him and given him a pauper’s burial or if Wes would have disposed of him… somehow. Chopped him up and fed him to dogs or something. It wasn’t a thought that usually bothered him, but today he found it disturbing, right after thinking of Yuki.  
          Amaaya gave him a hard, pissed look when he refused to take the hair tie.  
          “It’s all we have of him,” she said in a clipped tone, “We _all_ have some and you’re going to take one, too. You were his friend, he would have wanted you to have this.”  
          Duo doubted that, Yuki would have been embarrassed at having so much attention drawn to him, but he wanted to have something to remember Yuki by, even if he knew he would never need such a reminder, the black haired boy had already become a personal lesson to him, what happened to people like him, no matter how careful they were, their fates were always the same, and how terrible it was to lose a friend, but even worse to not even know you had lost them until some time. He felt that terrible stab of guilt at not staying in touch with Solo and Shi again. As he took the ribbon from Amaaya, he felt as though a torch of sorts was being passed, though he had no idea what that torch meant for him. Amaaya watched in surprise as Duo undid the simple black elastic holding the end of his brain and switched it with the blue ribbon. She gave him a smile of approval, even as she felt a stab of hurt at how alike Yuki and Duo were. Before Yuki’s death, she would have pegged Duo as the first of their little group to die. He seemed so vulnerable at times and had lived a much harder life at the hands of Wes than they did on their own, but he also had this intense, inner strength that kept him pushing forward, always pushing. She cupped his cheek with one hand, making the longhaired boy blush.  
          “If you’re ever in trouble, I want you to promise to call me,” she insisted, her hand dropping from Duo’s cheek to search her pockets. She managed to find a fine-point marker and wrote her cell phone number on Duo’s wrist, which, inexplicably, made him blush even more.  
          “Ok,” he said softly, wondering what Name would think when she got the phone bill and saw his friend’s number on it, but mused that it would be just one more much-needed safety net for him. To show how serious he was, and to get that depressed look out of Amaaya’s eyes, he dug his cell phone out of his book bag and added her number. It was an odd, stupid little shock to realize she would always be the first name he would see on his contact list. The list wasn’t all that big, just emergency numbers and cell phones and, in Name’s case, work numbers, for Heero, Name, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, and now Amaaya. It seemed intensely strange to see her name right above Heero’s, like two worlds meeting for the first time and somehow merging in harmony. In turn, he gave Amaaya his number as well.  
          “You never told me why you’re here,” he suddenly blurted out, in realization, “I mean, I knew you were in Boston, but what are you doing in the museum? Are you meeting someone?” he asked, hoping he wasn’t keeping her from some task. She just grinned at him, settling his concerns.   
          “Nope. It’s my day off and I had some extra cash, so I figured I’d give myself a tiny vacation. I only live seven blocks from here,” she explained. Duo caught the ‘day off’ part and jumped on it.  
          “You have a job?” he asked cautiously. He hoped that, by leaving Maine, she had also left her old life behind and found something safer than prostitution. He wanted her to find some hope, to be safe and prove to everyone that people like them could be more. He wanted, needed, that example, living proof that he could do the same, he just needed to try harder.  
          “I’m a waitress,” the tall girl said almost haughtily, brimming with pride. Duo had always wondered why he had never reached out to any of his classmates when it had been so easy to get along with Solo and the others. He had told himself that it was because of all the things the people he went to school with had done to him, ignoring him and bullying him just because he was poor and quiet, and that was true, but mostly, it was because of moments like this. At school, if someone had admitted to having a job waiting tables, they would have been laughed at and looked down on with disdain. However, Amaaya looked so proud of her job, not ashamed that it was small and not very glamorous and Duo was genuinely proud of her. It was something that his classmates would never understand. They would never understand how hard it was to get your feet under you when you had been lying on your back for so long, would never understand just how far you could fall and how pulling yourself up, even just an inch or two, was truly a huge accomplishment. He had had the help of his best friend and his rich mother to get him back on his feet, to help him get a little cleaner, to the point where he could look at himself in the mirror for an entire minute without hating himself. Amaaya, on the other hand, had only had herself and, somehow, she had managed, and he had no idea how, he could only be amazed at her strength and conviction. Compared to getting paid to having sex with complete strangers who didn’t give a shit about you beyond getting some sort of sexual satisfaction out of your body, waiting on tables, even if it didn’t pay as much, seemed like the bloody holy grail.   
          “That’s great!” he exclaimed and he knew that he didn’t have to tell her how proud he was of her or how glad he was that she had gotten away, she could read it all over his face. She grinned back at him.   
          “It was hard getting started,” she admitted, “For awhile, I was afraid I would have to get back into old patterns, just to feed myself,” her expression turned somber and Duo nodded in understanding. That was something the world didn’t seem to get. His whole life, he had heard people say things like ‘just get a job’ or ‘you can do anything if you just set your mind to it’. They were such meaningless platitudes that simply filled him with a dull rage. What did they know of it? What did they know of having to beg for food, just to survive? It wasn’t that damn simple. Sure, if you had a family, people who could support you, or some talent you could market, it was easy, you just had to work hard at it. But, what if you were alone and poor and hungry? What if the only thing you had, was something that was illegal? To survive, wouldn’t you do something terrible? He didn’t know what had happened in the lives of Amaaya or Yuki, but he knew what had happened to the rest of them. Even without Wes, he wouldn’t have lasted long on the streets. He had had no education, no family, no records to prove that he even existed. Sure, he could have gone to the police or someone for help, but even the people ‘in charge’ weren’t always the good guys, even if they were, he would get shoved into an orphanage, never get adopted, and just return to the same damn situation once he turned 18, if the home even kept him for that long. What should Shi have done when his grandfather had raped him? The man hadn’t been rich, but with how Shi had described him, he had been respected. Even if the police had believed the kid that Shi had been at the time and his grandfather had been arrested, there were few family members that would have been willing to take him in and treat him well. What should Alex, Aluxiel, and Solo have done? True, Alex and Aluxiel had made their own choices, but he certainly didn’t point a finger at them and say it was their fault for turning to prostitution. They had been thirteen when they had run away from home, because neither of them could deal with a family that would be disgusted in their love for each other, and even if they had stayed under the promise they would stay away from each other, how could they have lived, knowing that their parents and siblings were secretly disgusted with them? Solo had been in the same spot Duo had had, no education and no family, but at least he had had his gang. Solo had told him more than once that that gang was what had saved him as a child, but now they were long gone. What should they have done?   
          So, he understood alright, he understood how hard it was just to get to the point where you could seriously look for a ‘real job’ and wouldn’t have looked down on her if she had never gotten to that point.  
          “But, I told myself when I left that I would rather die than do it,” she shook her head, “I didn’t want to be that person anymore. Waiting on tables was one of the few jobs I could get where I didn’t need any experience. I’m sharing an apartment with two other people, and it’s not that great of a place, but at least I have a roof over my head,” she said brightly, “Besides, at the end of the day, I can look at myself in the mirror without hating myself.”  
          Duo shivered as Amaaya’s words echoed his own thoughts. It had been awhile since he had spoken with anyone who understood him so completely, who thought like him, because they knew what he was going through. He loved Heero and his friends, more than anything else, and though they were more understanding than his other classmates, they would never truly understand what his past meant for him. Trowa came damn close, but only Amaaya and the others would get the sort of degradation selling himself had caused him. Trowa understood his feelings and darkness about his rape, but never his prostitution, which he was glad. He was glad that so few of his friends understood him because he didn’t want them to know that sort of pain, even if it made him feel lonely not having someone to talk to. He felt bad enough knowing what had happened to Trowa, even if he was glad he could talk to him about Wes in ways that he couldn’t talk to Quatre or Wufei. He could only talk to Heero about it because he felt so… connected to him, and even then, he felt weird and shy about it.   
          “I see Alex and Aluxiel sometimes,” Amaaya continued softly, “We try to meet for lunch every weekend, just to keep in touch.”  
          “How are they doing?” Duo asked eagerly. He wondered if they were doing as well as Amaaya was. He hoped so. Maybe it was his own strange upbringing, or rather, what little comforts he had had in his childhood, but he had never been disgusted in the twins for their relationship. When he had looked at them, he hadn’t seen ‘incest’ or ‘perversion’, he saw two people who had found each other and had found something _in_ each other, so strong and complete and utterly beautiful, that they had risked their health and lifestyle, just to be together. Looking at them, he had realized that ‘true love’ really did exist. It wasn’t perfect, like in movies and greeting cards, sometimes it was strange and broken and mangled, but it was still incredible and more beautiful than any of the paintings surrounding the two of them now. He had felt jealous, not uncomfortable, with their love. He had thought, when he had first met them, that if he could find someone to love him like that, he wouldn’t care who it was, he would hold onto it tightly, for as long as he could, the rest of the world be damned.   
          “They’re living in Cambridge now,” Amaaya told him, “They’re doing modeling for some clothing store, small time, mostly,” she smiled affectionately, thinking of the two boys, “You know them, they’re so in sync, not to mention beautiful, it was easy for them to get the job.”  
          Duo found himself nearly grinning at the thought of the, definitely, gorgeous boys posing for some store. It seemed to suit them and he knew that, as long as they could stay together, they didn’t really care what they did for a living. He suspected that the only reason they had gotten out of prostitution was their over-protective feelings for each other, and the threat that Yuki’s death had brought to the surface.   
          “Duo, what’s going on?” he suddenly heard Heero’s voice behind him and saw Amaaya look over his head with a strange expression that he couldn’t place. He turned and saw that Heero was, indeed, approaching the two of them from the other room. He wondered how long they had been standing there, chatting and he also wondered, a deep blushing spreading over his pale skin, how long Heero had been watching them. He wondered how much his friend had heard and he could definitely see curiosity burning in those deep blue eyes. It seemed so incredibly odd, having Amaaya and Heero in his view at the same time, he almost wanted to do a double take or rub at his eyes or something. He also wondered at what Heero might have said or done since he was the only one investigating his disappearance. He felt a small bit of guilt at thinking that he might have scared Heero, but it was fleeting since he had only been one room over and Heero had probably heard the sound of his voice echoing in the large room. To his shock, Amaaya stepped around him and stood in front of Heero, a few inches taller than him, but Heero still managed to look as intimidating as her. He didn’t know who was more shocked when she smiled disarmingly at his best friend.   
          “You must be the infamous Heero Yuy,” she said cheerfully. Duo snorted when Heero looked at her with wide eyes, unsure of what to make of her. He knew that his best friend still had trouble with how some people dealt with him and his notoriety. He had lived most of his life with people bowing and scraping to please him and in total awe of his mere presence, so when he met people that couldn’t care less, or were at least not falling all over themselves in fear of what he could do to them, he didn’t quite know how to act. However, when Amaaya reached her tan hand out to him, Heero took it, even as he was looking at her as though he stumbled onto some large animal he had never seen before and was caught between curiosity and wariness. Duo realized that Heero hadn’t really heard what they had been talking about, which was a relief since it would have meant a lot of explaining on his part, and didn’t know if Amaaya was a threat or not. He would have laughed at it, but after meeting Relena and Noventa, he understood that feeling of not knowing where you stood and, considering Duo’s past, Heero had reason not to trust strangers in Duo’s life.   
          “Heero, this is Amaaya. She’s an old friend of mine. Amaaya, this is Heero,” he introduced them.  
          “A new friend,” Amaaya mused with a strange grin, studying Heero intently in a way that made Heero blush, as though she was sizing him up and, for some reason, found him worthy of something. He wasn’t an idiot, he could put two and two together. This girl… Amaaya… was too friendly with Duo to be just a mere acquaintance, she looked at his friend like a lost brother. She was too old to be a classmate, too young to be a teacher. She was beautiful, and held herself in way that stated that she knew exactly how beautiful she was and didn’t give a shit. That sort of posture seemed so mature for someone in their twenties and the old pain in her eyes seemed to attest to that. There was that same pain mirrored in Duo’s eyes as well and, at a glance, Heero realized what, or who, he was looking at and what circle in Duo’s life this girl fell into. It was in him to be defensive at Duo’s old life invading and he had to look over at the longhaired boy to see how it was affecting him, but he quickly saw that Duo was not only comfortable with Amaaya’s presence, but seemed actually excited about it. He felt that guilt again, of realizing that he should have thought of something so obvious, but had missed it so completely. As painful as Duo’s past was, here was proof that there were some things that he hadn’t wanted to leave behind and Heero felt better at knowing that he had had someone in his life that hadn’t simply caused him pain.   
          The three shared an odd sort of look, simultaneously realizing that they all knew exactly what was going on and couldn’t find any words that wouldn’t make the situation more uncomfortable. Duo felt like he was in between a pair of alpha wolves and he, the mutual cave in their interlinked territory that they might fight over. He was the crossing over point between his two friends and he had no idea what to do about it. How could he possibly explain to Heero who Amaaya was without mentioning the others and his sordid past, something that he was trying very hard to keep under lock and key, especially on this trip, especially around his friends? Amaaya, at least, seemed to understand the odd feeling of… tearing… that was going through him and put a hand on his shoulder.   
          “I should probably get going,” she said softly, her eyes meeting Heero’s instead of Duo’s, dark blue clashing with dark blue, “I hope you enjoy the rest of your trip and, like I said, if you need anything, you have my number,” Amaaya said sweetly, pressing her lips to Duo’s cheek in a gentle kiss. Heero felt an odd sort of pain clutch at his heart. It was stupid, he told himself, it was a chaste kiss, something that a big sister would do, or perhaps even a mother, but it made him yearn to do his own kissing, something not so chaste and innocent. Suddenly, he caught Amaaya looking at him with an arrogant expression, challenging his jealousy, as though to say ‘don’t like it? Do something about it.’ However, Heero refused to rise to the bait, even when her lips left Duo’s skin and she smirked at him in triumph. Heero realized that she wasn’t exactly fighting for Duo’s affections, more like she was smugly pointing out how easy it was to do something he simply didn’t dare to do. When Duo hugged the girl tightly, Heero found that it didn’t hurt as much. Oh, it hurt, all right, but it was a sweeter kind of pain, mostly because he could see Duo didn’t really want to leave her. He wasn’t jealous, he was mourning his friend’s feelings, as well as noticing how cute the boy was wrapped around his taller friend like a child begging a parent not to leave.   
          “I’ll call,” he promised. Heero nodded at Amaaya, grateful that she was cutting their meeting short. He didn’t really understand her presence, or what had happened between them in the few minutes Duo had strayed from their group, but he didn’t like the pensive, sad look that Duo was wearing.  
          “Quatre’s worried about you, he thought you got lost,” Heero said and felt immediately bad for the prod when Duo looked guilty about it. He told himself that he wasn’t really being manipulative, since Quatre really had been worried.  
          “Bye, Amaaya,” Duo said mournfully, but the black haired girl just smiled and waved back at him.  
          “Go back with your friends and have a good time,” she urged, watching with relief as the shorter boy turned and walked back to the room that Heero had come from. Heero watched him go, feeling incredibly strange at what had just happened. He hated not knowing for sure, even if he thought he was right, but he knew that Duo deserved some privacy and anything he wanted to say about Amaaya, he would. He started to head after his friend when he felt the girl grab his arm and pull him back. He glared at her, but the steely look in her eyes froze him to the spot. That look reminded him of the stories of ancient, fierce dragons his father had told him as a child.  
          “I love him,” she hissed in his ear, “Like the brother I never had. He’s found something good with you and I will _not_ let you, or anyone else on this planet, take that away. For the first time since I met him, he’s smiling like he means it. If you hurt him, if you make him cry, I will kill you.”  
          Amaaya’s voice was icy without the slightest hint of exaggeration. Heero shivered and knew, without a doubt, that if this girl found that he had hurt her friend, she really would kill him with no remorse. He realized right away that he had underestimated her, she was just like him, driven and stubborn. Instead of flinching away from her, he leaned in and hissed his own answer.  
          “If I hurt him, I’ll let you,” he whispered, but his voice was just as fierce as hers. When he pulled back, he found with a great deal of surprise, that she was smiling at him with warm approval. She patted his shoulder.  
          “Good,” she said in a normal, friendly tone, “Take care of our little brother, Heero.”  
          With that, she turned and walked away from him. Heero watched her with an intense, warm feeling in his chest.  
          “I will,” he promised to the empty room.   
  
End Part 7


	28. Surgery Part 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo has another short memory lapse. Quatre is attacked by Zechs when he is separated from his friends.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 8  
  
  
    Duo was grateful that, when he rejoined the rest of his friend, none of them grilled him about why he had lagged behind. He really didn’t feel like talking about it with any of them. He wanted to push it all back into the depths of his mind, Amaaya, Yuki, his doubts about both his past and his present, not to even mention his dubious future. He didn’t know if it was the wary look in his eyes or the warning in Heero’s, but no questions were asked. Trowa seemed to get it pretty quickly, at least, but Quatre looked like he was going to explode with curiosity Duo pointedly ignored him and vowed to simply focus on the paintings. The last thing he needed was one of his infamous ‘show and tells’ that always seemed to end with horrified looks that both made him feel guilty and happy, just that someone cared enough about him _to_ be horrified. They, somehow, ended up being so involved in the exhibits that they skipped over lunch and ended up having an early dinner. On their way out of the museum, they stopped to get some souvenirs. Duo figured that he didn’t really know if he would ever make this trip again and had bought a snow globe of the exterior of the museum and two huge prints of his two favorite paintings that he had seen; the children playing in the mud and a beautiful Japanese watercolor of a dragon, tiger, and fire bird, wrapped together serenely. When he had first seen it in the exhibit, he had realized that it was quite similar to Amaaya’s tattoo. He wondered if there was a legend or folktale behind it. It had cost a bit, and it was the first time he had bought something so… frivolous. There was the frugal part of himself that was screaming at him at how _wrong_ it was. But, even though the prints had been a lot of money, he hadn’t spent a third of what he had saved from his job and, goddamn it, he wanted them and had felt a bit excited thinking of putting them on his bedroom wall. Almost all the things he had in his room, someone else had bought for him. Putting up those posters would feel like… marking his territory, like truly owning his own space. So, he had kicked that voice squarely in the gut and walked out of the store with an odd, triumphant feeling.  
          They passed what must have been the restaurant Heero and Quatre had told him about. It was near the gift shop and when they went by it, he could see that Quatre had been right about it. There was some sort of dim mood lighting going in the little restaurant that made it hard to see thought the grass separating the people eating in there from the rest of the world, but what he could see, made him grimace. He was taken with the sudden urge to run in there, past the man in the stuffy tux waiting at the door to take names, reservations, and coats, and just scream that McDonalds had better food anyway. He shook his head at his own strange thoughts, but felt no real regret when they walked by the place with no hesitation.  
          The sun was fighting for the sky in vain when they left the museum, that special time of day when the sun was still out, but you could tell that night would over power it in just an hour or two and the sky was slowly turning from light powder to dark cerulean. Duo remembered when he had hid in the apartments and he had yearned for this time of day because it reminded him of Heero’s beautiful blue eyes. Now, looking up at that very same sky and having Heero standing next to him, he could only see the differences, could only see how the sky paled in comparison to the real thing.  
          There were a lot more people out in the near-evening than there had been in the morning. Duo felt panic start to rise in his gut when he realized how many people were on the sidewalk with them, but feeling the warmth of Trowa and Heero at his sides kept that fear from reaching any further than his stomach and he was able to walk through the crowd by focusing on that heat and his own breathing. He flinched a little when he felt Wufei’s hand on his back, but appreciated the quiet assurance.  
          They had to walk five blocks before they found a restaurant. It wasn’t as low brow as a McDonalds, but, thankfully, nothing like the museum’s restaurant. Duo found himself grinning as he realized that it was a steak house, someplace where h knew exactly what was going to be on the menu, but the place was classy enough that he could tell anything he would order would be pretty high-end. They ended up having a long dinner, chatting about what they wanted to do the next day over hot steaks and cold sodas, Trowa taking a chance on some wine. When they left the restaurant, they were full and laughing at one of Wufei’s colorful stories about his home village. Duo found himself wishing that he could end all of his days like that, not with doubts or fear, but just enjoying himself and the company of his friends.  
   
  
   
          He couldn’t sleep again. Duo had had a long day and when the five of them had finally returned to their hotel room, they had settled in to watch TV, spending the rest of the night relaxing with each other in the room. When they had turned the TV off and Duo had taken his nightly shower, he had been feeling sleepy, but once he had lied down and the lights had been turned off, he felt wide awake. Two hours had passed with him merely staring at the ceiling, trying to think of ways to fall asleep. He had even resorted to that stupid ‘count the sheep’ thing that people talked about and he had never tried before. It hadn’t helped. It had only made him feel very stupid. At least Quatre was staying on his side f the bed tonight, though, as much as he appreciated the return of his personal space, it made him feel lonely, too. He held no illusions why he couldn’t sleep. He had had a good day, a _wonderful_ day. Days like these didn’t come often for someone like him.  
          But he couldn’t stop thinking about Amaaya and the things they had talked about. He couldn’t help but think that he was doing the one thing he promised he would never do; he was betraying his friends. Solo and Shi needed the same things he had needed. He could easily remember how horrible his life had been, how sad and lonely and desperate he had felt, the darkness that had filled him and the helplessness that had dominated his life. He had connections to money now. He could, forseeably, help his friends, who hadn’t been as lucky as him, who were still homeless and living that hellish life that visited him in his worst nightmares. He could tell Name about the people that had saved his sanity, could tell her that there were other people who needed her kindness, people that he loved. But… he had never even told her about them. And what was stopping him? His own stupid pride? What sort of friend was he? Hell, he wouldn’t even _see_ them, just because he was scared. How could he look back on all of the wonderful things they had done for him and _not_ hate himself for what he was doing now?  
          He bit off a growl of frustration and crawled out of bed, trying very hard not to wake his friends. He knew sleep wouldn’t come easily and just lying in a bed, in the dark, wasn’t helping his nerves at all. He grabbed his room key and slipped out into the hallway. The bright lights lining the long hallway made his eyes water after looking into the dark for so long. At the late hour, there was absolutely no one in the hallway, not even a maid. It was cool in the hall, but the carpet felt nice under bare, scarred feet. The paintings on the wall of meadows and sunsets seemed to pale significantly to the ones in the museum, seeming drab and boring compared to the splashes of brilliant colors. They made him feel depressed for some reason.  
          Instead of going back to the elevators, he went the other way, further down the hallway. He was a bit disappointed that the theme of the hallway didn’t change, giving the illusion that you hadn’t moved at all, even the paintings looked exactly the same after awhile. He found the hotel had a sort of ‘crossroads’ design going on and their hallway intersected with another in a lower ‘t’ shape. He had hoped that the hotel would be more exciting than this, and he had no desire to leave their floor just because he was feeling restless, so he should have turned back and gone to his room, but he didn’t, taking a left at the cross-hallway. Passing by room after room, he wondered if each room held someone he knew from school. It was odd thinking of all the people that were sleeping while he was wide awake, but he didn’t hear television noises coming from any of the doors. He had a sudden, terrible vision of one of the doors flying open and Zechs storming out. It was such a stupid thought, however, that he had to bit off a laugh. Something like that would only happen in a poorly written school drama. But, then again, most of his life seemed that way, so he ended up feeling wary and cautious anyway. He wondered where Zechs’ room was and if he was near them at all. He wondered who he was rooming with. To Duo’s knowledge, Zechs didn’t have any friends in their school. Then again, to his knowledge, Zechs didn’t have any friends _outside_ the school, either, excluding that blonde, English kid, Alex, he had been with. Damn, but that seemed like ages ago. He shook his head. The last person he should be thinking about now was Zechs Merquise. Well, the last person after Chris and Wes. He wondered what _those_ two were doing. He wondered if Wes had given up on trying to find him. How many months had it been? Surely he knew where he was by now. Had he given up, or did Wes truly think the Yuy’s didn’t want anything to do with him? And what about Chris? The bull of a man scared him just as much as Wes did, though for different reasons. The last time he had seen him, Chris had ended up making his spleen burst. He felt a spark of hope in thinking he might have killed Chris that night. He didn’t remember much, but he did remember hurting him and the brute hadn’t chased after him. Still, he doubted a man like Chris would have died from a single blow to the head when Duo had been so weak, he had barely been able to stand.  
          Duo shuddered and, with a growl he didn’t bother to silence, he sped up his pace. He wasn’t going to think about them anymore, he decided, what was the point? He would just be rehashing old hurts, picking at wounds that would never really heal. The hallway ended in an open area that had four plush chairs another elevator, and a large window. He looked outside into the dark night that was punctured by the bright, colorful lights, highlighting only a few buildings and the traffic in the street near the hotel. He pressed his hand against the glass, the coldness almost burning. The city really was beautiful. He supposed he was a bit biased. St. Peter’s was beautiful, too, but sometimes, all he could see were the ugly parts. He wondered what he would do when he graduated, if Name would still support him, if he could go to college, if he would ever leave Maine and make something of himself. Those thoughts made him feel sick inside, because they seemed like such hopeful thoughts, things that he had never thought of before, and thinking of them now actually hurt. He sighed loudly in the silent hallway. He needed to go to bed before the rampant thoughts brought him down a very bad road. He turned away from the window, but paused.   
          He couldn’t remember the number of their room. He had seen the number when he had closed the door, but now, it escaped him. Panic started to rise lazily through him, his heart rate soaring as he realized that, not only didn’t he remember what room he was, he couldn’t remember how to get back to his hallway. He remembered that their room was near an elevator, but there was more than one elevator on this floor. He looked down at his card key, but it only told him the name of the hotel and how to use the key. He tried to dig through his memories for some clue, but when he tried, a sharp pain shot through his head. He sank to sit on the floor with a strangled, pained, frustrated groan, holding his head in hands struggling to find a way to make the drilling agony stop. His head pulsed the more he tried to dig into missing memories and he felt tears threaten his vision, but he adamantly refused them any release. He was _not_ going to cry over something this stupid!  
   
            
          _“Have you ever experienced any memory loss?”_   
   
   
          Duo squeezed his eyes shut, the lights in the hallway making his head hurt even more. The threat of blindness hadn’t been the only reason he had accepted the surgery to correct his vision. For a very long time, he had had tiny bits of memory missing. Nothing significant, though it was hard to judge the importance of something you had no knowledge of, but it was damn embarrassing. When the doctor had told him he had a shard of bone affecting his sight, he had wondered, he had _hoped_ , that it might also be the cause of his memory lapses. He had thought, had hoped, that the surgery would make those lapses stop and, for awhile, he had thought it had, but apparently not. He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, viciously denying his tears. Why the hell was this bothering him so much? It wasn’t that big of a deal, really it wasn’t, but, once again, he had let hope take hold. He really needed to stop doing that. Still, he was lost. It was just so… amazingly stupid. His friends were a hallway away, he was surrounded by people who could help him, and he was lost. It seemed like a terrible joke, an analogy for his entire fucking life.  
   
  
   
          Wufei was usually such a heavy sleeper that he would sleep through the night, but, as an only child in a fairly small family, he had never shared a room with anyone before and found it hard to sleep with four other people, even if they were in different beds. He didn’t know how he would have coped if he had had to sleep with someone else. He had never been very social and was uncomfortable around people his age. Before coming to America, he had only had two friends, his lover, Fai, and his cousin, Meiran. He was used to expressing himself through his words, not touching. He remembered how embarrassed he had been the first time he and Fai had tried to have sex and blushed in the dark hotel room. He supposed it was those memories that made him view Duo’s past as so terrible. He just couldn’t imagine doing something so… personal with anyone he wasn’t completely comfortable with. He couldn’t even begin to think of what something like that had done to Duo, especially as a child. It didn’t excuse what he had said in the hospital, though. Nothing he believed or thought could ever excuse him of that.  
          He still felt guilty about it, he thought that he would always feel guilty and that was exactly what he deserved. Duo had been hurting so badly, he had needed the comfort of his friends, they were the only people that _would_ give him comfort. Wufei should have been one of those friends, and instead he had yelled at him, blamed him. In a split second he had become the kind of person he had always hated.  
          He had spent the last few months trying to make up for that mistake. He wasn’t used to friendship, and his slight to Duo had made things a bit strained. He was still shocked that they had been willing to try to be friends with him at all, but here they were. When he had first met Heero, he had hated him because he had seen him as an obstacle, but now, he actually found that he enjoyed being with him, with all of them. He wished that he could go back to that first day and change things, wished he could have tried to make friends with Duo instead of making a fool of himself. He knew why he had hit on him, he still had the same urges, though they were more… tempered. Physically and mentally, he was Wufei’s type, or rather, he was so much like Fai, it was impossible to deny that that was what had attracted him in the first place. Duo was beautiful, there was no denying that, but he seemed completely ignorant to his looks. Wufei didn’t know if that was because of his abuse or something else, but it was obvious that Duo didn’t see himself as good looking. Duo was also smart and kind and protective  of his friends, as well as mature and grounded. Wufei didn’t think he could ever fall for anyone who didn’t have those qualities.  
          That first day of school, Wufei had been so angry. He hadn’t wanted to leave his home and family to travel to a place that was the opposite of his home country. He had known, the second his parents had told him that they were moving, that he would never see Fai again. He couldn’t go against his parents, but the thought of leaving his lover, forever, would have broken him down to tears if he had been a weaker person. Had it been such a terrible thing to try to re-create that relationship here, the one relationship he had come to rely on? Was it so awful that he had tried to find someone just like Fai and fall back into what was familiar to him? The thing was, he still had these feelings. He still missed Fai with the most pain and yearning he had ever felt and he still found Duo breathtakingly attractive, but he could see the truth better now. He remembered running to the hospital and how poorly he had reacted to Duo. He remembered how Yuy had taken everything with anger, but mostly kindness. He had cared for Duo unflinchingly. In that moment, Wufei had realized he had never stood a chance. It went beyond his own inability to help Duo through his demons. Heero loved Duo so… completely, for who he was, with every inch of his soul, not because Duo was a shadow of a dream. Dui, in turn, had seemed to get stronger under Heero’s love. How could he possibly take that sort of beautiful relationship away from them? Remembering his own relationship with Fai, he could see that the shining thing Heero and Duo held between them could never compare to his feelings of lust and desire for the violet-eyed boy. He only wished that, now that he had decided to give up on Duo, he could vanquish his more… animalistic desires towards his new friend. Though he ordered himself not to, he found himself rolling over and propping himself up on his elbows to look over at Duo and Quatre’s bed.  
          The room was dark, making him squint almost uselessly, but the little bit of light coming from the window gave him all the information he needed. Duo wasn’t in bed. Wufei turned quickly to look towards the bathroom, but couldn’t see any light from under the door. He could see Duo’s bag on the floor and, after a few seconds of his heart pounding in senseless panic, his mind supplied that Duo might have gone to get ice or simply couldn’t sleep. What else could it be? He looked over at the room’s clock and sighed. It was one in the morning. He didn’t care why Duo wasn’t in bed, but if Heero woke up to find him gone, he would go off the wall. He rolled off the bed and grabbed his card key from the little table near his bed. He crept to the door and opened it, looking back to make sure the light from the hallway wouldn’t wake anyone, but the three boys didn’t stir.  
   
  
   
          If Duo had gone to get ice, he had either found another machine or another way back to the room, because Wufei managed to find the machine without passing anyone in the hallway. With a deep sigh, he ran his hand through his loose hair. He didn’t know how big each floor was and he didn’t even know if Duo was still on this floor. His friend had seemed wary of using the elevator, but if he was restless enough, he might have gone exploring. His logical, linear mind supplied to him that he should look everywhere on this floor before going to another. He turned around and walked back down the hallway. His one consolation was that Duo didn’t have any other friends, so he wouldn’t be in another room.   
          It was no surprise to him that he didn’t understand Duo. The boy had gone through things in his life that Wufei couldn’t dream of in his worst nightmares. He had no idea what would have woken Duo up at one in the morning and had prompted him to leave the room and go wandering. Now, Heero, he understood. They were both stubborn, dominating individuals and walking down the long hallway, feeling more than a little bit useless, he understood Heero’s overprotective attitude towards Duo. After the terrible things that had happened to him, Wufei didn’t want anything bad to happen to Duo. If there was any truth behind dharma and fairness, then Duo had repaid any debt in his life a million times over. He couldn’t go through those things anymore. He had no idea what Duo’s breaking point was, and he had no desire to find it. He followed the curve of the hallway to its end and breathed in utter relief. Duo was sitting against the wall on the floor, his arms wrapped around his legs, his face buried in his knees. He seemed to realize Wufei’s presence, because he looked up at him as the Chinese teenager approached him.  
          “ ‘Fei?” he murmured. Wufei blushed deeply at the nickname. He would never tell Duo that that was Fai’s name for him. Fai and ‘Fei, it was such a stupid thing, but it had made him feel foolishly happy at the time. Duo looked utterly exhausted as he looked up at him, his face lightly pinched in pain. Wufei’s dark eyes quickly examined his friend, but couldn’t find any reason why he would be hurting. It worried him, though, after Duo’s lengthy hospital stay. He wished his mother’s profession had rubbed off on him a little bit.   
          “What are you doing out here?” Wufei asked gently, keeping any accusations out of his tone. Duo rubbed at the side of his head and looked up at him through slightly slitted eyes.   
          “I couldn’t sleep,” Duo said just as softly and Wufei quickly realized with how Duo was nearly squinting in the light and talking so quietly, what the problem was, “My head hurts. I can’t remember what room we’re in.”  
          If anyone else had confessed that to him, he would have laughed, but since Duo had said it, he only felt worried. He reached his hand out and helped Duo to his feet, trying not to touch him too much since he knew that it made Duo uncomfortable.  
          “I think you need to go to bed,” he lightly scolded, “and I have some pain medication for your headache.”  
          Duo blushed at the feeling of being led, Wufei’s orders and assurances making him feel like a little kid, but it was also a bit comforting. He wondered if he could get Wufei not to tell the others that he had gotten lost in the bloody hotel. Wufei caught the blush and how Duo’s eyes wouldn’t quite meet his. He managed a small smile, putting a hand on Duo’s shoulder and was rewarded when the longhaired boy didn’t flinch at his touch. He let his hand drop, almost as quickly as it had initiated the contact. He was just as used to not giving others physical… contact as Duo was wary of it. It was just another reason they could never have a romantic relationship. The both of them were too awkward with physical contact. Heero was the same way, but he had the will power to ignore his own discomfort to break through Duo’s barriers. He turned and started to walk back down the hallway, feeling Duo sticking close to him, as though he thought Wufei would try to lose him, but true to his word, the black haired boy brought him back to the right room. Duo stood in front of the door, staring at the numbers, trying to burn them into his memory. It felt useless to him, though. He couldn’t _force_ himself to remember something, he wasn’t even entirely sure how his memory loss worked.  
          It was sheer relief to walk into the familiar hotel room and see Trowa, Heero, and Quatre, still fast asleep. He had some common sense, he had known that, even if he had never found the room himself and without Wufei’s help, he couldn’t have stayed lost, but it had still scared him. He didn’t know if it was the early hour, his minor panic attack, his headache, or the day finally catching up to him, but he suddenly felt very, very tired. He experienced the sensation of being led like a child again when Wufei herded him into the bathroom and filled one of the glasses that had come with the bathroom up with water from the sink. Those glasses were weird, there were only three of them, though he and Wufei refused to use them and just refilled their water bottles. Duo hated using them, thinking of all the people before them that had used them. He didn’t care if they were clean, it was still weird. He didn’t understand why they couldn’t have a paper cup dispenser like they did back home. That seemed a lot more hygienic. Of course, he had eaten rotten food out of dumpsters before, so he didn’t know why drinking out of the same glass as some stranger bothered him. Despite his dislike of the glasses, his head was pounding and he accepted the water and Tylenol with relish.  
          “Go to bed, Duo,” Wufei ordered as he took the empty glass back and put it on the counter. Duo just grunted at him, his exhaustion and the pain in his head making him shuffle towards his bed faster than Wufei’s command did. It was harder sneaking into bed than out of it and when the mattress dipped under his weight, he worried it would wake Quatre, but the blonde didn’t so much as twitch. Duo settled into bed and fell asleep before Wufei even got into his.   
   
  
   
          The next morning was a bit more relaxed for all of them, simply because they had no schedule like the previous day. So, despite going to sleep so late, Duo got to sleep in and, with his headache gone by the time he woke up, not feel like a complete zombie. They had decided to just stumble around Boston and do a little shopping. Duo was already feeling a little bit guilty about his big purchases at the museum and doubted he would buy anything, but he didn’t mind just exploring on foot and doing a little sightseeing. Wufei had seemed to have forgotten all about what had happened early that morning because he didn’t give Duo any significant looks, let alone tell the others about it, for which Duo was grateful.   
          They ate in the hotel for breakfast again, though this time Duo just settled for apple crepes, a blueberry muffin, and a bowl of fresh fruit, something he thought he would never get sick of after a childhood of eating nearly-rotten produce. Name called Duo’s cell phone on their way out of the hotel and he ended up chatting with her for almost thirty minutes while they talked about their trip so far before handing the phone over to Heero. He listened as Heero teased his mother about not bombarding them with calls yesterday and the day before and what a ‘good girl’ she was being for not being such a mother hen. Duo didn’t know what Name’s response was, but it had left Heero laughing in a shocked tone. The phone was handed around to Quatre and Trowa to say hi, and then back to Duo who put it back into his pocket.   
          It didn’t take them all that long to find some shops to explore, Quatre dragging Trowa into one saying he needed to buy him a better jacket. Duo almost laughed at the suffering look Trowa threw back at him, but he saw the affection underneath and how Trowa made no move to stop his lover. The first half of their day went on like that with Quatre flitting and leading them from shop to shop, buying Trowa a jacket and Duo some shirts despite his protests. Duo looked over at Heero as they wandered into a bookstore after Quatre, remembering how Heero had once told him that he hated shopping, but Heero just gave him a happy look that made Duo blush. As lunch time slowly approached, Duo ended up breaking his vow not to spend any money. The bad economy had ended up with the death of a lot of stores, mostly independently owned ones. The upside was that a lot of stores held sales and markdowns just to stay open. There were a few things that Heero and Name had taught him to love while living with them and two things that he was particularly vulnerable to were movies and books and, at markdown prices, he found himself indulging, just a little bit, promising himself that when this trip was done, he wouldn’t buy anything so… compulsory in the future.  
   
  
   
          “Why don’t we just go get a pizza?” Duo heard Wufei suggest to Trowa. It was two in the afternoon and they were all hungry after all the walking around, but couldn’t seem to agree on what to eat. Quatre, Wufei, and Heero hated fast food, but Trowa and Duo weren’t in the mood to wait in a line for a sit down restaurant, besides, Duo had pointed out, he didn’t want to sit in some dark restaurant when it was nice and sunny out.  
          “Sounds fine to me,” Heero said, taking a sip from the coffee he had gotten when Quatre had stopped at a coffee shop to buy some tea to take home about ten minutes ago. Duo made a face at him. It was a long standing joke between the two of them. Heero loved coffee and drank it any chance he got. When Duo had first come to live with them and had been trying out different foods, Heero had been appalled to learn that Duo had never tried coffee before. With how much Heero and Name liked the stuff, Duo had expected to like it, too, only to be disgusted at the taste. Heero chuckled at Duo’s expression and defiantly took another sip.  
          “I’m all for pizza,” Duo chipped in.  
          “Alright,” Trowa agreed, “There’s a park a few blocks from here that has stone benches and tables. Wufei and I can get the pizzas while the rest of you pick out a table.”  
          Wufei looked up at Trowa, shocked, when the taller boy clapped his shoulder. While the four boys called him ‘friend’, they had seldom tried to do something just with him. It was a really stupid thing to be happy about, but he was.  
          “Three pizzas for the five of us, then,” Trowa said, almost thinking out loud, “one cheese, one pepperoni, and one veggie.”  
          Duo grinned to himself. It was just like Trowa to pick something so… neutral. The five of them had very different tastes, he and Trowa had few things they would never eat, Heero didn’t really care what he ate, though sometimes he did have a preference and his tastes seemed pretty random, while Quatre and Wufei were rather picky. Duo liked all kinds of pizza, even with anchovies with the exception of pineapple because it tasted too sweet to him, but he preferred plain cheese pizza. Trowa was the same way except he hated anchovies and pork on his pizza. Quatre would only have vegetables on his, absolutely no meat, while Wufei and Heero had to have meat on theirs. So, no one had any protests about Trowa’s choices.   
          “Are you sure you don’t want another hand?” Quatre asked, “Heero and Duo can go pick out the tables.”  
          Trowa shook his head.  
          “It’s only three boxes plus drinks, we’ll be fine,” he ruffled Quatre’s fair hair a little bit, “Besides, it was Wufei’s idea.”  
          “About the drinks,” Duo started, but Trowa interrupted him.  
          “Root beer, no diet, no caffeine, I know,” the green-eyed boy said in amusement. Quatre looked unsure, but followed Heero and Duo as they walked off.  
   
  
   
          Heero remembered the park Trowa had been talking about from his childhood. His parents, whenever they had visited this part of Boston, had taken him to that park for lunches. He wondered if Trowa knew that. He wondered if Duo would like it there like he had as a child, would appreciate the view and how relaxing it was in comparison to the food courts and cafes. He glanced over at the longhaired boy. Duo was wearing a small, unconscious smile, walking and watching a flock of pigeons harass some people eating at an outdoor café, waiting for scraps of food to drop. A young couple passed them, holding hands and chatting loudly. He wished he could hold Duo’s hand like that, he wished he had the courage. It wouldn’t be so hard, Duo’s slender hand was no more than half a foot away from his, but… he couldn’t, he didn’t dare. Undoubtedly, he would be performing this dance with Duo for the rest of their friendship, yearning and lusting, but never daring those few scant inches. He wanted Duo to enjoy this trip, because he wanted to see him happy. If Duo was happy, could he pretend that he was normal, that he wasn’t wounded and scared inside and confess his feelings to him? No, even if Duo was a normal, teenaged boy, Heero still wouldn’t be able to. He hated to admit it to himself, but he was scared. Scared of a serious relationship, scared of being rejected, scared of being accepted, only to fail Duo when it really counted.  
          Heero looked back at Quatre, who was lagging behind a little bit. He felt bad that Quatre was holding their bags and purchases in one huge, white bag. Yes, most of the bags were Quatre’s and he had insisted on carrying them, but it still made him feel bad. The bag didn’t seem all that heavy and it wasn’t the bag that was making Quatre lag. Rather, it looked like the blonde was consciously making sure he was a few feet away from them, giving him and Duo some illusion of privacy. He nearly sighed in exasperation and looked away from his long time friend back to the path ahead of them. Was that why Quatre had seemed so stubborn to want to help Trowa and Wufei, to give him and Duo some ‘alone time’? Trowa and Quatre knew of his feelings for Duo. He had never admitted that to them, would never admit such a thing, but somehow, they _knew_. Still, what did Quatre expect, that the mere few feet would spur him to come onto Duo? He was shit out of luck there. The last thing he needed was Quatre playing matchmaker with his vulnerable emotions.  
          “Heero, are you ok?” Duo’s concerned voice broke him out of his thoughts. He gave Duo a sheepish look as he realized that, not only had he zoned out, he had been glaring at the ground pretty intensely.  
          “I’m fine,” he assured him, “How are you enjoying the trip so far?”  
          Duo’s concern vanished and he brightened with a smile.   
          “I love it here,” he confessed almost breathlessly, “I mean, if I had to choose a place to live, I’d still prefer a small town out near the woods somewhere and not a bustling city like this, but I’ve had a great time here. It’s nice spending time with the four of you away from school. I think getting away for a little while was a good idea.”  
          “I’m glad you’re enjoying it,” Heero said with a soft smile, “You should do things that make you happy, not just things that you think you _should_ do.”  
          Duo gave him a shy grin.  
          “I _do_ know how to have fun,” he said dryly, “I’m not that bad, am I? I know I don’t go out a lot like Quatre and Trowa do, but it’s not like I’m a recluse or anything, I’m just more comfortable staying at home and reading or playing video games.”  
          “No, you’re not that bad,” Heero said affectionately, “You’re not like you were when you first moved in with us. You’re more… adventurous now, but you can’t tell me that this trip didn’t make you feel anxious. You should do things that don’t stress you out, but you should also try to break out of your shell from time to time. Some things that you like exist outside of your comfort zone.”  
          Duo nodded in agreement.  
          “Yeah, I was anxious about coming here and there are still things here that set me on edge, but I’m glad that I came. I just wish…” he sighed heavily, “I just wish that I didn’t have to have you guys… lead me into this stuff, but it’s so hard…”  
          Heero briefly squeezed his shoulder, his fingers feeling how slender Duo’s shoulder was and that fact made his heart give a little flutter.  
          “You’re getting better at it,” he reasoned him, “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but when we had first met, you never would have gone to the museum with us, regardless of the money.”  
          Duo realized that Heero was right. Back then, he would have clung to what was familiar and comfortable to him, he would have been too scared to do what he had been doing the last couple days, being adventurous and just going out and trying new things, because he wanted to experience those things and he wanted to be with his friends. He owed so much to all of them, for giving him that little bit of self-worth and confidence. He glanced back over his shoulder and immediately stopped walking.  
          “Where’s Quatre?” he asked loudly, his voice rising a little in panic.  
          Heero growled out loud as he whirled and found that Quatre was indeed gone. Frustration and annoyance bubbled from his chest to his throat. He couldn’t believe this… the very second the blonde had seen that he and Duo were talking to each other, he had abandoned them to their own devices, probably running back to Trowa and Wufei. Of course, he _had_ completely forgotten about Quatre when he and Duo had been talking, but that didn’t mean he had the right to put them in this situation!   
          “It’s fine,” Heero said, forcing his voice to sound less annoyed as Duo looked at him with wide, alarmed eyes, “He just went back to help Trowa.”  
          “But why?” Duo asked a bit naively, “Trowa told him that he didn’t need help.”  
          Heero bit his lip to keep the bitter words against Quatre and his meddling from spilling out.   
          “Trust me, if there’s something that Quatre wants to do, he won’t give up on it. He’s like a pit bull,” he said a bit sharply, “Don’t worry about it, we can go ahead and they can catch up.”  
          “Well…” Duo hesitated, “Could we… could we just wait here for them?” he asked softly and Heero realized that Duo thought he would scold him for being childish. Duo’s worry for his friends, however, made Heero look at him with affection instead of irritation.  
          “Sure,” he said with a careless tone, as though he was agreeing to a flavor of ice cream instead of standing on the empty side street they were on like lost kids waiting for their parents. The little street really was abandoned-looking, most people taking the main street, but it was scenic and quieter than the larger streets, so Heero just sat down on the curb and smirked when Duo immediately followed.   
          “So…” Heero said lazily, reveling in his sudden privacy with his best friend, even though he hadn’t asked for it, “Who was that girl you were talking to in the museum?”   
          Duo stiffened and Heero instantly regretted the choice of topic. The violet-eyed boy ran his fingers through his long bangs and sighed.  
          “Amaaya,” he murmured, “I don’t know her last name. We met when I was twelve. I guess it started when I met Solo.”  
          Heero raised an eyebrow, studying Duo’s face. His friend looked pensive, thoughtful, lost in the past, but not so deeply that he thought it was something specifically painful.  
          “Who’s he?” he asked, worried that he might be dredging up some terrible memories. What if this Solo was one of Duo’s customers, one of his abusers? His anxiety seemed to be useless, however, because Duo smiled as he stared into the darkness of the storm drain they were sitting near.   
          “He’s a friend,” Duo told him, “One night, when I was twelve, I met him. It was late at night, I had just come from… a job…” Duo’s voice hitched a little on the word. He still hated talking about those things to Heero, “Most of the time, I went straight home out of my fear of Wes, but that night… my thoughts were so restless and I didn’t want to go back to the apartment. I wandered the back streets for awhile and found this… street corner where people… people like me were hanging out, looking for customers,” Duo smiled bitterly, “Prostitutes. Only, they _hadn’t_ been like me, not really. I never had to look for customers, Wes always found them for me.”  
          Heero stayed stock still as Duo talked. The longhaired boy always seemed so wary of talking about the ugly bits of his past, he was always afraid of disturbing the mood when Duo took the initiative to talk about it.  
          “I lived in a decent place while a lot of those people were homeless or lived in broken down buildings, but they could pick and choose who they wanted to do business with. I never had that sort of freedom. Solo was young, not as young as I had been, but he stood out in a crowd. He had been in a gang most of his life, like me, he had been homeless, but then everyone else in his gang had died and he had had to sell himself to survive. That night, he had thought I had been some little lost kid,” Duo chuckled darkly, “When he figured out I was just a whore like him, he freaked.”  
          Heero wanted to blurt out that he was _never_ ‘just a whore’, but kept silent.           
          “He became a little bit protective of me after that. I made a habit of going by that street corner and keeping in touch with him. A few months later, I met the others,” Duo smile turned softer, but pained and dark somehow, “One of my customers had been stalking me back home. I don’t know why, or what he had been intending, and I never will. As much as the guy had been stalking me, Shi had been stalking _him_ , and once he had figure out that I was the one the man had been stalking, he had beaten the shit out of the guy. I should have been scared of Shi when I first met him, he was freakin’ _tall_ , with this long, gold hair that somehow made him look even more… powerful, and these crimson eyes that seemed to look right inside of your brain.”  
          Heero felt a chill crawl up his spine at Duo’s description. A tall boy with long hair and piercing, red eyes… Where had he seen someone like that before?  
   
   
          … _Red eyes like that of a demon stared at him out of the darkness._  
 _“You Heero Yuy?” the person asked and Heero realized in shock that the ‘mugger’ was just a boy a little older than him, an attractive boy at that, with long golden hair, but his arms were long and muscular and Heero could see a hunting knife on his belt._  
 _“Yes,” he hissed. The blonde grinned and Heero felt him shove a piece in his hand._  
 _“Duo’s around there,” the boy said simply and started to walk off. Heero blinked at him in confusion, looking down at the paper._  
 _“We’ve already looked there!” he protested. Crimson eyes looked back at him._  
 _“His address is fake, but that street still exists. Hang out there long enough and you’ll spot him.”_  
 _“Who the hell are you?” Heero hissed, clutching at the paper like it was his only saving grace. The red eyed boy sighed._  
 _“Look, Duo’s in deep shit and right now he can’t pull himself out, so he needs your help. Unfortunately, you’re the only one who can help him.”_  
 _“What kind of trouble?” Heero asked, his heart burning. This boy knew Duo!_  
 _“Just find him,” the boy said wearily and walked off._   
   
            Heero’s hands shook a little and he had to dig his fingers into his palms to get it stopped. That man… he had saved Duo’s life, had probably saved Heero’s, too. Oh, he would have survived not seeing Duo again, but what would have been the point? He never would have forgiven himself for losing Duo, for driving him away, he certainly wouldn’t have fallen in love again. Not like that. Never like that, never so passionately and absolutely. Duo had been so sick when he had stumbled upon him. If that man, Shi, hadn’t told him where Duo was, would Duo have died? That thought made him feel ill. In the end… he owed everything to a man that Duo seemed so close to, but he had only met for a split second. He wanted to ask Duo where he could find Shi so he could settle his debt, to tell the stranger how much he had saved him that night.  
          “Heero?” Duo asked in worry. The Japanese boy looked deathly pale and shocked, but just looked over at him with an expression that was urging him to continue.  
          “I met the others that night,” Duo told him, his words flowing better when Heero’s shocked expression melted away, though it didn’t quite leave his eyes, “Shi and Solo were friends and hung out with a group of five other whores, Amaaya, Yuki, Alex, Aluxiel, and Hi. I hadn’t seen Amaaya in a few months before yesterday. She had moved to Boston, but it was a bit surprising to see her here.”  
          “Are you going to stay in contact with her?” Heero asked with interest, “You were friends with them at a point in your life when you needed them the most. I think it’s important to stay in touch.”  
          “It’s impossible for me not to stay connected to them,” Duo mused, “We went through a lot together and I owe them so much.”  
          ‘More than you know,’ Heero thought.  
          “For a very long time, they were the only humans I had to talk to, to understand me, and you’re right, I needed them.”   
          “I’d like to meet them,” Heero said softly. Duo smiled at him.  
          “One day,” he promised and he vowed it would be one he would keep. One day… as soon as he got enough ground under his feet. But, for now, all he needed was Heero. As long as he could keep Heero, he knew he would always be able to pull himself out of the darkness.  
   
  
   
          “What the fuck do you want?!” Quatre snarled. Contrary to popular belief, he had no problem with swearing and the current situation more than called for it. It was a shame, really, he had been having a really nice day. He knew his friends didn’t have his joy for shopping, but after living with his 29 older sisters, he had learned to like it as a sort of bonding experience. He was just glad he could do something nice for Duo, even though he seemed reluctant to accept it, Quatre knew Duo had appreciated it. He had even tried to give Heero and Duo some space. Oh, he knew nothing would come out of it so quickly, but at the very least, he could make Heero think of _possibilities_. He had thought that it would be a great day, but then someone had grabbed his arm and dragged him into an alley. The person had obviously not predicted him to punch them in the stomach instinctively, so he had managed to get out of their grip. The bag in his hand fell, but he didn’t dare to pick it up, not wanting to sacrifice his balance and one of his hands if he had to fight. What surprised him was not being grabbed, but that he was completely _unsurprised_ to see Zechs smirking at him, completely undaunted by his punch, instead of some stranger. He glared at him, utterly furious. Once upon a time, back when Heero had still been friends with Relena, Zechs had hung out with them sometimes. He could believe that Zechs Milliardo Merquise Peacecraft would bully someone like Duo. Even back then, he had distrusted the other boy enough to be wary of him. But the sex parts, the prostituting his new friend parts, the trying to break Duo and Heero up in a terrible way parts? No, he wouldn’t have thought that Zechs would sink so low. It was easy to hate him, knowing what he had done to Duo and he held no illusions that Zechs’ actions now had something to do with his longhaired friend.  
          “It’s been a long time, Winner, don’t I get a better greeting than that?” Zechs smirked, “I’m sure your father would be appalled to hear such language coming from his golden boy.”   
          “Fuck off, Merquise,” Quatre snarled, “You’re certainly not my friend and I would sooner spit on you than look at you! I don’t know what your game is, but you better get out  of my face, now.”  
          Zechs’ eyes narrowed at him and he shoved Quatre into the wall with one hand. Quatre made no move to retaliate. His first punch had been instinctive and he wasn’t useless in a fight, but Zechs was twice as big as he was and if he could avoid having this turn into a brawl, he wasn’t going to go out of his way to start something, even if he wanted very much to punch Zechs in his face and break his nose.  
          “You’re still pissed at my sister for what she did to your best friend? Zechs asked incredulously, “I’m not like her and I had nothing to do with what she did.”  
          “No, you’re not like her, you’re worse,” Quatre spat, “We weren’t very friendly to begin with, so don’t try to spin our relationship that way. Even if we were, we’re certainly aren’t _now_.”  
          “And what exactly did I do to you that was so terrible?” Zechs demanded, “This is the first time we’ve seen each other in years! Even if we weren’t friends, the least you can do is be a little bit courteous to me.”  
          “Courteous? You raped my friend!” Quatre screamed at him, “You’re a monster! What do you know of politeness or manners?! You forced Duo to have sex with you, tormented him, and assaulted him! The hell with manners, what the fuck do you know about being a human being?! I wish I had known then what I know now, maybe I could have stopped you! Is he not the only one you’ve raped or are you sick enough to think that you love him and that give you some sort of excuse?!”  
          To Quatre’s shock and disgust, Zechs didn’t look even slightly guilty, he only smirked at him.  
          “I hardly raped him. He’s the one that suggested it, he’s the one that continued it and he _liked_ it,” Zechs said smugly.   
          Quatre’s rage and desire to hit the silver-haired boy sky rocketed. Did Zechs really believe the bullshit he was sprouting, or was he simply using it as a shield? He could imagine what had driven Duo to do it. He had dealt with the bully since Middle School, being belittled, harassed, beaten, and pushed around by him, all the while dealing with the ignorance and neglect from his classmates and teachers, then having to deal with Wes’ own terrible abuse and the sex. He was amazed that it all hadn’t driven Duo completely mad. Duo didn’t realize how incredibly strong he was, to be able to withstand all of that. When he had finally gone to high school this year, he must have been sick to find that Zechs was still gunning for him. So, he had turned to the one constant in his life for a solution: sex. And Zechs, the pompous ass, had agreed.   
          Of course Duo would have suggested it! Back then, he had believed that his body was truly nothing more than a piece of currency, had believed that every man was as terrible and cruel as the last. Zechs had pushed him into a corner and Duo had reacted in the most natural way for him. How could Zechs think that Duo had suggested it because he was actually interested in sex, even without knowing his past? Knowing that Zechs had taken advantage of his friend’s vulnerability and how utterly desperate Duo had been made him feel even more protective of him. He just wanted to protect Duo from people like that, he just wanted to protect him, _period_. With a feral growl, Quatre shoved Zechs hard enough that the tall boy almost tripped backwards over his feet. He wanted to laugh in triumph at the shocked look Zechs gave him, as though he had truly believed his pretty wouldn’t have dared to fight him.  
          “He never wanted to have sex with you! Just because he suggested it, just because he never tried to stop you or said no, doesn’t mean he wanted it, let alone enjoyed it! Why would someone like Duo ever want to have any sort of relationship with someone like you?” Quatre demanded cruelly. He had said it to be mean, to cause the blue-eyed boy some pain in retaliation for all the pain he had caused, but it was also the truth. Duo was bright and kind, there was no way he would fall for someone like Zechs who was mean and spiteful. His blow had hit its mark and a painful anger filled Zechs’ eyes.   
          Quatre was completely unprepared for Zechs’ sharp punch to his stomach. He doubled over, his arms wrapped around his middle, unable to throw Zechs off as he snatched Quatre’s card key from his pocket. Zechs examined it as the other boy fell to his knees in pain.  
          “And Heero’s any better?” he sneered through his fury, “Too cowardly to ever make a move, let alone fuck him. A pretty mamma’s boy so stuck up and sheltered, he probably doesn’t even know how to fuck! It’s probably why he could never do it with my sister. He wasn’t gay, he was just too stupid!” Zechs grabbed Quatre’s bangs and tugged harshly, reveling in the sharp sound of pain he gave out.  
          “Don’t you think I tried to give him up?” Zechs growled, “I tried fucking other boys, but I want _him_. Why should I settle for anything less? I’m the best Maxwell’s ever going to get and sooner or later, he’s going to realize that.”  
          Quatre glared up at him.  
          “He’d rather be single for the rest of his life than even _talk_ to you again!”   
          Zechs growled loudly and curled his hand into a fist, raising it to punch the smaller blonde. Quatre refused to show his fear, refused to close his eyes, so he saw that they were no longer alone before Zechs realized it.  
          “Don’t you fucking touch him!” Trowa snarled from behind Zechs, seeming to almost teleport from the scant few feet he was away from them to right at Zechs’ back, grabbing his raised arm and dragging the silver-haired boy backwards. Quatre watched his lover brutally punch Zechs across his face and slam him against the opposite wall of the alley with wide eyes, un-used to seeing that level of force and rage coming from someone who was usually so quiet and controlled.  
          “I’m going to fucking kill you!” the green-eyed boy roared, striking Zechs again, this time in the chest. Zechs didn’t even try to fight back, so shocked at Trowa’s sudden appearance. Wufei watched with a similar shock from the opening of the alley, pizza boxes stacked in his arms and the drinks sitting undisturbed on the ground.   
          “Trowa, stop!” Quatre demanded, getting to his feet with a wince as his abused stomach protested, realizing that his lover wasn’t going to stop hitting Zechs until he stopped moving. Trowa’s fist froze in mid-air, merely at the sound of Quatre’s distressed voice. Their eyes met for a brief moment and Trowa seemed to snap out of his enraged fog just a little bit. Zechs seemed snap out of his shock at the same time and, with a mad growl, he tried to tackle the other boy, but at that moment, Trowa had the better balance and grabbed Zechs’ shirt, slamming him against the wall again.  
          “Come near Duo and Quatre again, come near my _family_ again, and I will break both of you fucking knees,” Trowa growled in a low voice. Zechs’ cold blue eyes traveled over Trowa, who was the same size as him, but years of working in a circus had made him much quicker and more agile, Quatre, who was far from out of the game, and Wufei, who, though short, had a fair amount of muscle mass and grace and looked prepared to drop the pizzas and join the fight if needed. Zechs got to his feet and brushed off his dirty jeans, then leaned close to Trowa, who didn’t even flinch.   
          “You can’t protect the whore forever, Barton,” he whispered in the tall boy’s ear. Before Trowa could react, Zechs stormed out of the alley, making his way towards Wufei. The black haired boy quickly moved to the side, evading Zechs’ move to bump into him and make him drop his cargo. Wufei glared at him fiercely as the silver-haired boy strode down the street, back towards the hotel. They had arrived in time to save Quatre, but he felt so sick inside, like justice had been ignored, not served. His pride and sense of right and wrong screamed at him to go after Zechs and show him the pain he had caused, but he stayed with his friends, where, in his opinion, he was really needed.  
          Trowa had seemed to forget about Zechs as soon as he was out of sight and was at his lover’s side in less than a second. He lifted up Quatre’s shirt, hissing in sympathy and protectiveness when he saw the livid bruise on the fair skin of his stomach. Quatre smiled at him, amused by Trowa’s protective nature, not only towards himself, but also to Duo, because any threat Zechs made to any of them was really a direct threat to Duo.  
          “It looks worse than it is,” he assured him. Suddenly, an alarmed look came into his sea-green eyes and he grabbed at Trowa’s shirt.  
          “We have to find Duo and Heero!” he said in a panic. Trowa gave a terse nod, whipping out his cell phone and dialing Duo’s number.  
          “It should be ok, right?” Wufei asked in part confusion, part paranoia, putting the pizza boxes on the ground, “I mean, Zechs couldn’t have gone after you and them at the same time.”  
          “The last time Zechs had attacked the both of them, he hadn’t been alone,” Quatre point out, “If he had decided to go after me, why not send someone else after them while we were separated?”  
          Wufei paled a bit at that.  
          “Fuck!” Trowa swore, “Their phones are off!”  
          “You called both of them?” Quatre asked in alarm. Heero and Duo never turned off their phones. Ever. Especially Duo. Trowa nodded, true fear filling his eyes. When he ran out of the alley and into the street, down the way their two friends had gone, Quatre and Wufei were at his heels.   
          Quatre had never run so fast in his life and it wax hard for him and Wufei to keep up with Trowa, but all he could think about was Heero and Duo, all the terrible things that could have happened to them in the time that Zechs had had him. All he could think of was his deep sense of betrayal. While Zechs had held him in that alley, all he had been thinking of was his own rage, not his friends’ safety. When they finally caught up to Trowa, it was because he was standing at the street curb, looking at the ground with a stricken look. Quatre felt a chill of fear go up his spine.  
          “Trowa?” he asked warily. He followed his lover’s gaze. On the sidewalk, soaking into the cement, was a small puddle of blood and on the edge of the curb was a familiar discarded coffee cup, still half full. Quatre watched the dark brown liquid swirl down into the storm drain and wanted to scream.  
  
End Part 8  
  



	29. Surgery Part 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero and Duo have been kidnapped by a demon from Duo's past. Trapped in an unknown place without any way of contacting their friends and a man that wishes to silence the both of them, will they be able to escape before either of them are hurt?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 9  
  
  
   _“I guess I’m a terrible person,” Heero said with a sigh. Duo looked over at him with a wide-eyed expression._  
 _“How can you say that? You’re not a bad person!” he said tersely._  
 _“I didn’t keep my promise to you,” Heero smiled a bit bitterly, “Remember when you were in the hospital? I promised to take you to the beach once you got better, didn’t I? But I never did.”_  
 _Duo snorted_  
 _“You made a lot of promises to me in the hospital,” he said dryly, “And you haven’t broken a single one of those yet. You didn’t break that one, either. We just haven’t gotten around to it yet.”_  
 _Heero smiled at him._  
 _“I’ll keep it,” he swore to him, “As soon as we go home, I’ll take you.”_  
 _Duo smiled brightly at him and opened his mouth to say something, but Heero never heard it._  
 _Something hard, with a great deal of force, slammed into the back of his head, throwing him off the curb and into the gutter of the street. Agony filled his head and he gasped in pain, choking on the dirty water circling around the storm drain as he fell in the puddle of it near the grate, unable to find the ability to pull himself out of it. His head throbbed and he could taste his own blood, mixed with the coffee he had dropped, in the filthy water. He couldn’t even think, let alone get back to his feet._  
 _“Heero! Heero!” he heard Duo’s terrified voice screaming for him. He wanted to reach out and comfort him, to tell Duo not to be scared, he was fine, please don’t cry… but he couldn’t move, he could only breathe and swallow the dirty water, nearly choking. It was Duo’s screaming that was the last thing he knew before he was swallowed up by darkness._  
  
  
    Heero’s head felt like it had been split open, his skull throbbing unpleasantly with his racing heartbeat. His throat felt like he had thrown up a few times, but now his stomach felt completely empty and whatever sickness he had felt in the darkness had ebbed and he only felt pain. He opened his eyes blearily and made a small noise of pain as the bright lights seemed to become knives in his brain. He was sitting uncomfortably on a hard wood floor, against something solid, his arms behind him far enough to make his shoulders ache. He could taste blood in his mouth and feel it trickle down his neck into his t-shirt, hot and thick. He squirmed with the feel of it, only to discover that he was bound to whatever it was he was lying against. The problem of that didn’t come to him, his thoughts were too thick, muffled, and pained to come to him easily. Something supplied him with the word ‘concussion’ unhelpfully. He dared to try to open his eyes again and the light didn’t hurt quite so much.  
          His vision was blurry, but the more he kept his eyes open the clearer it got, though the pain made him want to close them again. The walls surrounding him were a dull cream color, for which Heero was grateful. He thought that any bright colors right now would make his brain explode in his skull. There were no windows anywhere in the small room, but there was a table with a lamp and overhead lights that kept the room brightly lit. His eyes continued to feed his damaged brain information; he was sitting on a wood floor because the pale carpet had been ripped away and there was only one door, only one exit, that he could see. It was the feel of cold, hard metal around his wrists that brought him some much need, much dreaded, clarity.  
          He was cuffed to a metal bed frame. Common sense told him there was no way he was getting unbound without some help, but with a rising panic, he fought against his bonds anyway, only to discover that the frame was bolted to the floor. He was trapped. Even if he _could_ get to his cell phone, he had no idea where he was.  
          ‘Duo!’ his mind screamed at him, ‘Where’s Duo?! I have to protect him!’  
          Yes, Duo was what mattered right now. He had to protect him, no matter what, even if he had to tear his own hands off to get the cuffs off. He could remember… his head hurt so bad, but he could access his memories now. He could remember… he and Duo had been waiting for Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei. Had they been kidnapped, too? If they had, he was fucked. As long as one of them got away, they could go to the police. But then again, if they didn’t check back into the hotel that night, Une would have to look for them anyway, but that didn’t mean that he was going to be found. He remembered the sudden blow to his head, he remembered Duo screaming for him, he had sounded so scared… if anything happened to Duo, he was going to kill the person who had done this! Had Duo gotten away? He hoped so, but he doubted Duo would have left him. He would have rather gotten hurt than abandoned him, but Heero wished that he had. What if Duo was hurt somewhere far away from him? Fuck, but he was useless chained up like this!  
          He wondered what this could all be about, who had taken them. Just he and Duo had so many enemies; Relena, Zechs, Noventa, Alex, it could be just a random kidnapping, a tactical strike to get some ransom out of his mother, or even one of the boys that had tried to rape Duo, come back for revenge about getting kicked out of school. Duo… if he could just figure out where he was, then everything would be fine. He would stop panicking, he could think things through, as long as Duo was safe.   
          His head was still throbbing and the mere act of turning his head sent pain shooting down his neck, but he told himself that he had to take in his surroundings completely, had to find some way to get out of… wherever he was. Lifting and turning his head the scant foot towards the wall hurt like hell, but he forgot that fact when he saw Duo, only a few feet away from him. The relief at seeing his best friend so close to him, somewhere he could watch him and maybe help him, was enough to dull the pain a little. Duo was slumped against the wall, still unconscious, and Heero had to wonder if he had been taken as violently as _he_ had. He frantically looked him over, looking for any wounds or blood, but couldn’t see any. That didn’t make him relax, though. He couldn’t see through Duo’s dark clothes, couldn’t see the back of his head because of his long hair. He could be hurt, dying, and he could even tell!  
          ‘Stop it!’ he snapped at himself. He couldn’t afford to panic right now. If Duo was hurt, he would need him to stay level headed. As it was, he couldn’t see any blood any where and he clung to that fact. Duo was chained up like he was, though he was chained to a towel rack sticking out of the wall, bolted like the bed was, but since Duo was unable to stand the way he was tied up, he wouldn’t be able to get enough momentum to get the rack out of the wall, and that was even assuming that the wall was made of plaster or wood and not something much stronger. He wouldn’t be tied up if he was seriously injured, right?   
          Heero caught the signs that Duo was waking up, a shifting of his unbound legs, a fact that made him realize for the first time that they were missing their shoes, and his breathing changed. He finally released a small bit of his anxiety. Waking was a very, very good thing. Maybe Duo knew who had taken them… this seemed beyond Zechs’ capabilities, but he wouldn’t put it past him. The violet color of Duo’s eyes was a balm to his panic and worries. The hazy look to them was sheer relief and anxiety at the same time. If their kidnapper had drugged him, then Duo hadn’t been hit like he had, he wasn’t hurt, just slightly out of it. But he didn’t know what drugs Duo had been given and he had no idea how his body was reacting to it. Because of Duo’s anemia, drugs had a stronger affect on him. Did their kidnapper know that, or had they given him too much? Duo, in his current state, wasn’t going to be able to help him very much. He now doubted that Zechs or Relena was responsible for this, it was too… professional. They had taken him, the physically stronger one, out with a perfectly placed blow, designed not for pain, but to incapacitate him, leaving Duo vulnerable. He wanted to slam his head against the metal frame in punishment. How could he have been so stupid?! Quatre had disappeared and he had shrugged it off like it was nothing. He had taken Duo off of the main street, where there were no people, and hadn’t paid any attention to their surroundings. If anything happened to Duo or Quatre, it would be all his fault!  
          Heero saw, quite clearly, the moment when the drugs started to abate a little and Duo finally seemed to realize where he was, or at least that he was tied down. His eyes cleared a little, then widened. Heero knew what was going to happen before it even did. Duo had told him, more than once, about his last few weeks with Wes. He had told him about being chained up in the same bed for two whole weeks. He had told him about the complete darkness, about not being able to tell who was touching him or what day it was. Duo had told him about the drugs, how much they had hurt, how they had burned through every inch of his body and how… scattered he had felt in its wake, unable to tell up from down. He had told him about how utterly helpless and horrific he had felt during those two weeks. He had told him about the sex, though only vaguely, about how that sense of constant… pain… constant violation of trying to get some grasp on himself, some control, some strength, and slipping in drowning in himself, had driven him to the literal brink of madness. Heero could understand, remembering those terrible words, how Duo’s fear of being trapped, his fear of the darkness, was so damn powerful. He, frankly, didn’t understand how Duo had come out of the other side of those terrible experiences as intact as he was. So, when the fear and realization of his bonds had come into Duo’s eyes, Heero saw the panic attack seconds before it hit.  
          Duo’s body tensed like a string, tightened nearly beyond its capabilities, then, just as suddenly… he snapped. Duo had always been quite good at making him feel helpless emotionally. He had always felt so… useless, when Duo really needed him, he never knew what to do to make things better, but this was the first time he had ever felt _physically_ useless. Duo thrashed violently in his bonds, but it wasn’t the threat of Duo hurting himself on the metal cuffs that terrified him, it was simply his friend’s emotional state. As… incapable as he felt in the best of times, he didn’t know by now the little things that it took to keep Duo anchored in reality; a hug, a soothing voice, some physical presence to tell him that he was safe, loved, and cared for. But, fuck, he couldn’t even _touch_ him! In that moment, he was no longer afraid of their situation, he simply felt a deep rage at their kidnapper for making him incapable of soothing his scared friend. Duo didn’t scream, though Heero thought it would be better if he did. Instead, his breaths came out in harsh pants and Heero realized in alarm that he was hyperventilating. Chained up and drugged, in an unknown place, thinking that he was all alone and trapped, Heero would have been shocked if Duo _hadn’t_ had a panic attack, but he couldn’t _stop_ it! What if Duo stopped breathing? All he had right now, the only thing that their kidnapper hadn’t hindered, was his voice, but talking was one thing he had never been good at. He watched in shock as Duo continued to struggle against his bonds with an almost feral, mindless determination, making small noises of frustration, on the verge of tears. He had to do something or Duo was going to end up hurting himself mentally. It was the sight of blood on Duo’s wrists that made pure, startling clarity worm its way through his pain-clouded mind.  
          “Duo, it’s ok!” he called, “You’re ok. Ssh, you’re safe, just open your eyes, we’re both ok,” Heero lied. He had thought that he would never do that to Duo, but right now, even if Duo _knew_ he was lying, he needed to hear those things. Duo had been squeezing his eyes closed, as though he could kid himself into thinking he was somewhere else, but at the mere sound of Heero’s voice, those deep amethyst eyes shot open and he searched for him with such a fierce, desperate intensity that it frightened Heero. As their eyes met from across the room, Duo immediately stopped thrashing. It was alarming, watching Duo become completely still, nearly collapsing like a wooden doll.  
          “Heero,” Duo breathed roughly.  
          “It’s ok,” Heero repeated, smiling a little in relief as Duo, _his_ Duo, seemed to come back to himself, “Everything’s going to be ok, I’m going to get us out of this,” Heero promised passionately. Any other comforts he could possibly give Duo died on his tongue as they heard heavy footsteps coming down what sounded like a long hallway towards their door. They tensed, on alert, though Heero felt a little foolish, it wasn’t like they could do anything, both watching the door with wide eyes.   
          ‘Maybe we’re in a hotel, maybe this isn’t the person who had taken us, maybe…’ Heero told himself, willing himself not to panic, but the sound of footsteps stopped at the door. Heero thought he _would_ panic with the realization that Duo was closer to the door than him. It was his job to protect him… but how the fuck could he do that in this situation?! The person on the other side of the door put a key in the lock and it sounded grating and harsh, echoing in the silent room. Suddenly, before Heero could even realize that he didn’t really have a plan, the door opened and they got a glimpse of their abductor for the first time, the both of them looking on at the person in fear.   
          “Fuck,” Heero heard Duo swear under his breath.  
   
  
            
          Name flicked her cell phone closed for the third time in twice as many minutes. Her son would be annoyed at her… neediness, she thought. She kept debating with herself; should she call Duo and Heero again or just leave them alone? The mother in her wanted to check up on them. Heero had always been a self-dependent boy, but though he had gone off by himself often, he had always been in the same town as her. But Heero wasn’t the one she was worried about. It had taken all of her will power not to call them the second they had left the house. She had managed to hold off calling them, not wanting to be the sort of bothersome parent that teenagers found irritating, but it had been difficult. Still, Duo had sounded so cheerful over the phone that morning, so she shouldn’t worry, right? But, even though she told herself that, she _did_ worry. She had called again, twenty minutes ago, but no one had picked up. Through the worried voice in her head that was screaming at her that something was wrong, she rationalized that they were probably some place where they had to shut their phones off or simply wanted to be left alone. She should wait awhile before calling again. Everything was fine, she told that screaming voice, as long as Heero and Duo were together, things would be fine. Heero was a very recognizable face and no sane person would dare mess with her family. Besides, if something notable _had_ happened, the school would have notified her. She sighed again and placed her cell phone down on the kitchen table with a feeling of finality.  
          She didn’t want to admit it to herself, but she was lonely. She had felt this very same way on the night that her husband had died. She had gone home that night and had lain down to sleep in their large bed… all by herself. It had been in that second that his death had finally hit her, that her Alexei would never be coming home again. She had never cried again like she had that night, had never felt so… alone like she had that night. But, in the morning, she had had her son to take care of and she had shoved those dark feelings deep inside of herself so she could continue to be a good mother for Heero and never let him know that she was bleeding inside. This would be the first time since that night that she had truly felt alone. Heero and her job had always been there to distract her, but now Heero was several states away and there were no meetings to go to. That, just a few days ago, she had been taking care of four teenagers and now they were gone, leaving the house silent and empty, made the loneliness seem so severe. She wondered if this was how Duo felt his entire life; no family, no friends, just a cruel world that seemed to hate him and his own, crippled self. It was a horrible feeling for herself, just for the last few days, she couldn’t even imagine how it must have felt for Duo all those years. The thought made her heart hurt, it made her want to bundle him up in the safety of her arms. It was hard to believe at times how deeply Duo had taken root in her heart. She didn’t come to love easily or so strongly, but Duo had managed it, somehow. Other times, it was easy to see how she could feel so protective of him. All he had to do was flash those ancient, haunted eyes at her and she was lost with the need to take care of him. She wanted to call it her simple, maternal instinct, but it ran deeper than that.   
          A loud, high-pitched sound coming from upstairs tore her out of her pensive mood and she was on her feet, heading towards the steps in less than a second. She supposed that she wasn’t _completely_ alone. After all, Duo had given her the very important task of taking care of his cats. Never before would she have considered cats as proper company, but either because she was desperate for it or she had come to see them as Duo’s non-human family, she did now. Name had never before thought of herself as one of those women who became invigorated with motherhood; when presented with a stranger’s baby, she did not coo or get excited, before Heero had come into her life, she had never given children a thought. It was true, when Heero had been born, she had loved his babyhood, even when he had been fussy. However, she knew she couldn’t have another child, Heero was enough for her. Then, Duo had come along and she felt like she was mothering another child and, really, she was. He had lived without a parent for so long, he desperately needed one, at least emotionally, and what else could you call the care and comfort she had been giving him? But, as much love as Duo had brought her, he had also brought her a great deal of pain. What had shocked her was not her maternal instincts towards Duo, but those same instincts towards his cat’s kittens and how happy it made her to help Patches take care of them. It was also startling how similar the little kittens were to babies. It was those similarities that enabled her to feel so relaxed with mothering them, like she was walking in familiar territory. Patches and her kittens, all except for Shei, were still in her bedroom, but she didn’t mind. Knowing that they were there was comforting. Patches was completely back to normal now, thin, sleek, and energetic, perfectly content with taking care of her babies. The only handful was her runt.   
          Name knew all about imprinting. She had taken a few biology courses in her life and understood how a child could come attached to familiar things it had experienced as a baby. Still, the obvious fact that Shei considered Duo her mother was… amusing. She had realized what was going on the day after they had been born. When Duo had gone off to school, Name had tried to move her into her own bedroom to see if Shei would nurse off her mother, but the second she had left the bedroom, Shei had started to screech as loudly as her tiny lungs would allow. However, once Name had put her back in Duo’s bed, she had settled. Still blind at that point, Shei had reacted to Duo’s familiar scent on the sheets and felt vulnerable at its loss. Name understood the instinct; Duo was the one that had gotten her to eat, had been the one to comfort and cuddle her, so Shei recognized him as ‘mother’, the one creature that would keep her safe and fed. It was a bit ironic, actually, or at least Duo would see it that way. It had been sweet once Shei had opened her eyes and started to walk around a little, both to play and search for her guardian once she realized he wasn’t around. With her new vision and bad leg, the kitten was prone to walking into things, so Name had to follow her around the house, worried she might hurt herself on the steps. The other adult cats seemed to watch this dance with amusement. It had been cute back then, since Duo came home from school and Shei would immediately stop crying for him, but now that he was in Boston, Shei seemed to sense her own vulnerability and cried at night, not even Shiva’s comfort could soothe her. Name wanted to be annoyed by it, really, she did, but it was very hard to be annoyed by something so small and weak. Besides, it kept her on her toes and occupied.   
          She was where she had been since the last time Name had checked up on her, curled up on Duo’s bed with Shiva watching her carefully, making small noises of discomfort. Sammy stayed far away from the bed, looking confused and irritated at the same time at the noises Shei was making. Toby had gotten over his annoyance of the kitten after the first two nights Duo had let her sleep in the bed and was simply perched on the edge of the bed. He seemed to give Name an exasperated look as she entered.  
          “I know,” she told him with a sigh, not feeling foolish about talking to the tom as though he could understand her. He sure acted like he did whenever she spoke to him. If there was any truth behind pets being like their owners, then Toby was very much like Duo, silent, but bright, always ready to give comfort while isolating himself from the rest of the pride. She sat on the bed and took Shei into her hands. The other kittens were already getting a little bit bigger, but She still looked so small and fragile, especially with her busted leg. A simple touch from Duo could usually soothe the sick kitten’s cries, but it took a lot more for Name.  
          “Hush, sweetie,” she soothed, stroking the cat’s slim back like how Duo often did, “You’re being awfully silly, you know,” she said softly, “I know it’s scary, him being away, but you’ll get better and he’ll be back soon.”  
          Shei finally responded to Name’s voice, her tiny ears twitching in recognition and her one yellow eyes peering up at the woman.  
          “Good girl,” Name cooed. The cat curled up in her warm hands and Name was suddenly struck once more with the urge to call her son, to see if he was ok, but like before, she didn’t give in.  
   
  
   
          Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! He and Heero were screwed! No, it was worse than that, they were _dead_! Getting out of their bonds no longer mattered. Getting the drugs out of his system, where they were, the intense, disemboweling fear he was feeling because he knew he was trapped, finding their cell phones, even the blood he could clearly see running down Heero’s neck, none of it mattered! They were dead and there was nothing he could do about it! Worst of all… Heero was dead, and it was all his fault…  
   
  
   
          Heero watched in horror as the door opened and… a complete stranger walked through. He had been expecting a lot of things to come through that door, but… he didn’t know this man. How could he get them out of this when he didn’t even know who their kidnapper was or what he wanted? Not that it mattered, the second that Heero saw him, he knew that, even if they got free, they couldn’t fight him. The man was fucking _huge_ , not in a beefcake way, though he did look incredibly strong, but in a ‘Jack the Ripper, larger than life, turn your blood to ice,’ kind of way. It was as though some instinct, deep inside of him, was screaming at him, ‘run! Run you mother fucking idiot, just _run_!’ Great advice, if only he could follow it. The man wasn’t very old, either, spanning that bridge between being too mature to be in his twenties, but too young looking to be middle aged. He had wild-looking brown hair, not as dark as Heero’s, but not chestnut like Duo’s. What made Heero’s stomach clench was the man’s intense green eyes, a bit darker than Trowa’s. The expression in those eyes was detached and feral, telling Heero that this man would feel no guilt over anything he did to them, but he would certainly relish in it. Those eyes told Heero that this man was much more dangerous than someone looking for something as petty as revenge or money. His blue eyes widened when he caught a glimpse of what the man was carrying when he turned to close and latch the door with a key, also telling Heero that they would need that key to get back out… a bottle of ammonia. Since he was little, Heero had always had a small obsession with crime dramas and mysteries. Having read and watched nearly everything on the subject, he knew that there were only two reasons why anyone would want to use the chemical, and he seriously didn’t think the man was going to be doing any laundry. He was going to kill them.  
          With that thought, it dawned on Heero why the carpet had been pulled back. Getting blood out of carpet was nearly impossible, but on a hard wood floor, bleach or ammonia would make it unlikely that anyone could tell a crime had taken place. That thought made every inch of his body icy cold. All this time that he had been stuck in this room, he had been expecting someone like Zechs or Relena, maybe an old business partner of his mother, to come stumbling in. They would be roughed up a little, he had thought, and maybe left alone in this room to rot, but in the end, his mother or their friends would come for them, or money would be exchanged. That they could possibly die had never occurred to him. This man was serious, he was a professional. There was no talking their way out of this, he realized, if the man had brought that bottle with him, didn’t that suggest he was going to kill them, no matter what was said or done in this little room? His heart thundered so loudly and quickly in his chest that it felt like it was almost humming. Death… the closest brush he had ever had with it was watching his father… fade. Now, it had come for him, too, not in a hospital bed, but in a strange place with his best friend so close to him, but also so far away that he couldn’t even have the comfort of touch. He wondered what it would feel like. He wondered how it would happen, if it would hurt, and he couldn’t help but wonder why, why them… Duo… would the man kill Duo first, because he was closer? It was so selfish, but he hoped not. He wanted to die first, he didn’t care if Duo had suffer through the anxiety or watch him die, he didn’t want to watch _Duo_ die…  
          It was that thought, of watching the light go out of his Duo’s lovely violet eyes, that made him snap out of his fear. It was still there, under the surface, driving his heart to nearly explode in his chest, but he could see things clearer now. He could see that, he still had promises to keep. He had promised Duo that he would keep him safe, that he would get them out of this, and he had no intention of breaking those promises. Even if this strange man did kill them, it wouldn’t be because he had lain down to die like some sick animal. He wouldn’t accept this, no matter what, and if he had to die for Duo to escape, then, so be it, he would die happily, knowing that the boy he loved would live. But… what if Duo had to watch him die? What would that do to him? It wasn’t completely egotistical to realize that his death might cause Duo to completely snap and still, underneath all of his anxieties about Duo’s health, he still couldn’t help but wonder why and how… how this man would try to kill them… if he could only figure that out, maybe he could prevent it… Yes, he preferred this, the logic in his head taking over and that insane fear ebbing drop by drop, making it impossible for him to just accept this… like some sort of slaughter-house sheep.   
          Heero watched, taking in every movement, as the man put the bottle of ammonia on the table and finally saw what else was on there; their cell phones, and a needle, presumably filled with whatever the man had given Duo to knock them out. At least he hadn’t tossed the phones away. Maybe he was planning to blackmail his mother after all? But then why the ammonia? That one fact kept burning in his mind. Those terrible green eyes met his briefly, then the man turned to look down at Duo. The look in those eyes was strange, there was a palpable familiarity in them, much more so than when he had looked at Heero. A spark of suspicion filled his mind and it was instantly solidified when the man smirked at Duo and Duo, his shoulders shaking with fear, glared up at him with an intense hatred that Heero had never seen on his normally gentle friend’s face. It struck him, in an almost physical blow. They knew each other, and what was more, Duo was utterly terrified by the man. The green-eyed man clucked his tongue as he seemed to notice that Duo’s wrists were bleeding. It was the sort of thing a parent would do at finding that their child had done something foolish or careless.   
          “I leave you alone for twenty whole minutes and you’ve already hurt yourself,” the man chided, his voice deep and rough, but amused. Duo’s glare intensified to the point that, if a look could kill, Heero thought that the man would have keeled over where he stood. He had never seen that sort of rage in Duo before and was shocked by it. Who was this man?  
          “Fuck you, Chris!” Duo snarled, even as he was shrinking back, trying to press himself deeper into the wall in a desperate effort to get away.   
   
  
   
          He didn’t want to believe this, he _couldn’t_ believe this… he felt like his mind was ripping apart. Chris had followed him… he was _here_ , reinserting himself in his new life after all this time as though it had only been yesterday. He would have felt disappointed that he hadn’t killed him back then if his terror hadn’t turned his brain into a mess of white noise. If he squinted and looked into Chris’ terrible, cold green eyes, it was like all those wonderful things had never happened, all the steps he had taken to get to this point, his struggles with his panic attacks, all those wonderful memories he had made with Heero and Name, Quatre and Trowa, even with Wufei, his newfound strength, all of it, vanished in a single blink and he fell backwards, back into the scared, wounded, lonely child he had been when he and Heero had first met. He felt completely helpless. Chris would do what he did best; he would shatter him into pieces, then grind him into dust. He had already started the job halfway, just by being here, by looking him in the eye. If he hadn’t been anchored to the wall, he would have crawled under the bed and hid. As it was, he wanted to just fade away into himself, to hide from whatever it was Chris was going to do to them, because, and he would be his soul on it if it hadn’t died stillborn, whatever Chris was planning, it wasn’t going to be pleasant.  
          But… he was wrong, things _weren’t_ the same, they were much, much worse. As much as his time with Heero had made him strong enough to admit his own weaknesses, to seek out all of the humanity he had avoided, even as a homeless child, it had made him vulnerable to the harshness he had grown up immersed in. He had spent too much time basking in the warmth of Name’s love, too much time re-learning the joys of true friendship, that now he felt completely blindsided by the return of the world of perversion and pain that he had known for so very long. But what really made things different this time around, what really made him want to scream and rave and rip Chris’ throat out was that Heero was here, too. Chris had dragged Heero down into Duo’s own personal hell, to witness, first hand, just how dirty Duo was. Because he knew the truth, that hearing and seeing were two completely different things. If it had just been him and Chris, maybe he could have handled it, but _Heero_ was here… he shouldn’t be here, not even in his nightmares, but he _was_ and, fuck, but that was the most horrible thing he could ever imagine. In that moment of realization, he remembered his dreams, his nightmares, of Wes finding Heero, killing Heero and having those nightmares come true was just… unacceptable. But, even if he was alone, could he really handle this?  
          He had run away from Wes and in doing so, as a witness, as a crime, himself, he had jeopardized Wes and Chris’ operation, all of their operations, and he knew from first hand experience what happened to Wes’ ‘problems’. That was why Chris was here, to take out the problem. They were going to die and that fact, not the possibility of it, but the _fact_ of their deaths, make him tremble, because there was something else that had changed in the months he had been missing from Wes’ grasp. For the first time in his entire life… he didn’t want to die. In the past, he had yearned for it, prayed for it where he had never prayed for anything before, begged for it, but had lacked the conviction to kill himself, that stupid, hateful spark of hope had never quite let go of him through the years. But now, ironically, his death had finally come for him, had finally found him through the dark, and, dammit, he didn’t want to go! He had a family now, people that loved him, people that had taught him how wonderful life could be, that it didn’t have to be full of pain and hopelessness, so why now? Why did he have to die when, for the first time in his life, he wanted to see the sun rise in the morning?! But why had Chris dragged Heero into all of this? Didn’t he know that, if he so much as gave Heero a bruise, Name would gun him down like a dog? Even if she didn’t know who he was, but that wouldn’t stop her.  
          “What do you want?” Duo demanded, amazed that he even had the courage to speak, “How the hell did you find me? I mean, I never though that you two would be so stupid as to come after us like this!”   
          The months away might have dulled Duo’s training enough that he wasn’t completely cowed, but it was still deep inside of him, a permanent parasite, and he flinched, realizing his mistake even before Chris knelt down and slapped him across the face.  
          Heero watched the brute strike his friend in shock. He had no idea what connected the two, but the man, Chris, was treating Duo like a petulant child and Duo was looking at him in a mix of terror and deep seated hatred. His rage boiled, solid, heavy, and hot in his stomach at the slap. The man clearly had the ability to break quite a few bones with a single blow if he wanted to. It was that thought that made him realize that Chris had probably knocked him out with his bare hands. What else could he have used? It hadn’t felt like metal, or even wood, and the idea that the man could cause such damage with one punch made him shiver. He could have broken Duo’s nose, but the slap was more of a rebuke than him trying to inflict pain. Still, it was so forceful that the move whipped Duo’s head to the side and Heero saw the glaring red of blood trickle down Duo’s mouth to his neck, staining his white shirt like a blossoming rose. He saw Duo squirm with the pain and the need to wipe the blood away, staring at Chris, not in shock, but in a dull sort of way that spoke of… ritual? Heero fought the need to snarl and thrash. This man, whoever he was, had hit Duo before, had hurt him enough times that Duo was actually… expecting him to do it again, now!   
          Something cold and hard, like a bunch of sharp ice chips, settled in Heero’s gut as he watched, helpless, as the man leaned forward and swiped his tongue along the thin stream of blood at Duo’s mouth, the slick muscle sliding into the caught boy’s mouth and he kissed him brutally. Duo made an odd noise, not quite a cry, but a noise that told anyone listening that he was in distress, and tried to get away from the hot mouth that was violating him, but he was as far back as he could go and Chris grabbed his neck, keeping him still. The feeling of his familiar mouth and familiar tongue, nipping his lips and exploring his mouth with almost frightening intensity, practically drinking his blood like it was something sweet, was startling. He felt frozen with it, unable to try to thrash and get Chris off of him. Instead, he closed his eyes, wanting to throw up, smelling and tasting something so familiar, yet so unwanted. Knowing that Heero could see it all, could see the man sticking his tongue down his throat, made him want to curl up and die in embarrassment and self-disgust.   
          Heero thought he was going to vomit as he watched the tall man force himself on his friend. He didn’t know what was worse, how terribly distressed and scared Duo looked, the sight of that man kissing Duo, something he had always dreamed about, but in such a dirty, horrible way, or that the man was actually licking up the boy’s blood like some sort of deranged… predator… an animal. No, probably the worst was that Duo’s legs were free, and even if he couldn’t stand, he wasn’t trying to kick at the man. He wasn’t doing anything, he just looked sick, but… there was an odd comfort to him, too, that was making him feel even more sick than the fact that his secret love was being kissed so brutally. He had watched Duo closely these last few days and he had seen that, through the fun and excitement, Duo wore this constant anxiety, as fitting as a shirt. It was the anxiety of someone who didn’t know what to do or what to expect. But this… as horrible as it was… Duo seemed comfortable with it. It sickened the longhaired boy, but for him… it was normal. That thought was terrible for Heero. Duo had told him, again and again, what his other life had been like, but now, he was actually _seeing_ it, he was seeing the doll that Duo had once been, was seeing Duo giving up, bowing under the weight of it. He wanted to hate Duo for it. It was so… nasty and terrible, but all he could remember, in that moment, was the Duo he had comforted in the shower not so long ago, naked and sobbing, telling him about how dirty he was. How could he hate him? No, he didn’t hate Duo, he was past such things. But, he hated this man. Oh, yes, he hated him, more than he hated Relena or Noventa, or even the man that had killed his father. He wanted to scream at the sight of that tongue invading Duo’s mouth, the sight of those large hands pinning him down…   
          And then it clicked. He knew what this man wanted. He had known that he wanted to kill them, but that gleam in the man’s eyes told him more than he wanted to know, it told him what he was going to do to his friend and… with the knowledge of that… if he had anything left in his stomach, he would have thrown up, right there in the small room. His blood pulsed in him and he felt something slithering in his stomach, but he kept it down, kept it restrained as he tried to hold on to hope with both hands, hoping that the man would just stop, stop touching his best friend like he was some… whore. The word seemed to freeze in his mind. Duo wasn’t a whore. He might think that he was, hell, the whole world might think that he was, but he wasn’t, not now, not in the past. He wouldn’t let this man do that to him! He didn’t care if Duo told him he was used to it, or if it had happened a hundred times, he would murder before that happened! He had beaten people, that was sure, but he had always stopped himself, had been unwilling to let his rage escalate to actually ending a life, but that perverted, disgusting look in the man’s eyes made him realize that… yes… in this moment, in this room, he had the capacity for cold-blooded murder. Well, he supposed killing the man that was violating your best friend wasn’t exactly cold blooded, but he was sure that the damage he wanted to inflict on him was. And it would be what this bastard deserved. If he could read people, and he had to admit he hadn’t been any good at it in the past, but Duo had taught him the art of it, then this man had done this before. Not just the kissing, not just the kidnapping or the hitting, but he had… gone all the way… he had… and, hell, he choked on the word, would probably always choke on it… he had raped Duo, maybe others as well, maybe hundreds of times. If nothing else, he would die for that. Heero wouldn’t let him walk out of this room without paying for that! Fuck, even if he had to die to see that happen… he couldn’t let him get away with it!   
          When Chris touched him, his thoughts melted away, leaving his head blank and useless, completely incapable of stopping him, but as Duo felt his lips leave his, those thoughts came flooding back in a torrent. He could still _taste_ him. He felt sick and he wished that he _could_ throw up, just so he could get the taste of blood and Chris out of his mouth. Those two things always went hand and hand, Chris and blood, Chris and pain. He tried to grip at the things that _were_ different to keep himself rooted in reality, but it was hard not to slide back into his past, to remember that things were different. If Heero hadn’t been there, if he hadn’t been able to see and hear him, the greatest and best change in his life, he was sure that he would be going off the deep end. But Heero _was_ here, and he had to stay strong, had to stay _sane_ , for his sake. He couldn’t let himself fall apart when Heero needed his help. He flinched as Chris brushed his knuckles over his cheek. Despite his resolve, he almost _did_ lose it then. Chris had never done that before, only Wes had. There was a dark part of him, a part that he had thought he had buried by resolving to not think of Wes, that wanted to yell at Chris that only _Wes_ was allowed to touch him that way. What the hell was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he get a hold on his scattered wits? Why was he thinking of Wes that way? Ever since he had kept him in that room, something had broken inside of him. He had thought that it would be like a scab. If he didn’t think about it, if he didn’t pick at it and just left it alone, it would heal on its own. His nightmares, his… fucked up affection for Wes, his worries, they would just… go away. But now he realized that it had just gotten worse. The things Wes had done to him, telling him that he loved him, those things had stuck with him, and while he was busy ignoring them, they had eaten and eaten at him until they had left a huge, gaping wound in their wake.   
          “You clean up well, Maxwell,” Chris smirked to himself, stressing Duo’s last name like it was a particularly funny joke.  
          “Don’t fucking touch him!” Heero finally snapped, wishing for the hundredth time that he could get free and beat Chris to a pulp. The man threw him an annoyed look and Heero thought, for a scary moment, that Chris was going to come over and hit him, too.   
          “Shut up, brat,” Chris drawled, “The adults are talking now.”  
          Heero stared at him incredulously. The man was so condescending towards Duo, but he considered him an adult and Heero a child? Though, Heero supposed, he was like a child in Duo’s world. That was what drove home how dangerous this situation was. In Heero’s world, they would have been saved already. In his world, he would have known what to do in this situation. Hell, in his world, this never would have happened in the first place. But this wasn’t his world, it was Duo’s, a world he had taken his first infant steps into and had found it cold, lonely, and terrible. In Duo’s world, the most horrible, unimaginable things could happen. In Duo’s world, they were all alone.  
          “What do you want?” Duo asked again, but more carefully this time, his tone more tired than angry and Heero realized that while he was still denying and fighting what was happening to them, Duo had already accepted it. But, he wasn’t angry at him, he was just worried. Duo sounded so tired, it reminded Heero of when he had been in the hospital and had confessed to that tiredness, and how Heero had realized that Duo was at the end of his rope. He was in that dark place again, right now, and there was nothing that Heero could say or do to make it better this time, no promises that he could keep. He had already broken all the promises that he had made to his best friend anyway.   
          “Why did you kidnap Heero, too?” Duo questioned, still trying hard to control his tone and not provoke Chris, but a bit of anger bled through. Chris chuckled and stood, watching Duo with a great deal of interest.  
          “Did you really think that you could just run away and there would be no consequences? Did you think you could leave your past behind and that would be it, that you could live the perfect life in some ivory tower? You haven’t changed, _Duo_ , people like us never change, we just find better rat holes to crawl in until the sun goes down and we scamper back into the night,” Chris knelt down and got in Duo’s face, gripping his chin so Duo was forced to look into his eyes which were suddenly furious. Heero could feel every one of his muscles tense, completely on edge.  
          “What is it that’s so special about you?” Chris demanded, “Is it your looks? You certainly are a class-a babe, especially now that you aren’t so damn scrawny, there’s no denying that,” he licked his lips, “or maybe it’s the way you scream when he fucks you, like you can’t decide if it hurts or feels good. I have no fucking idea. All I know is, you’ve done what no one else could, you drove my best friend insane!”  
          “W-what?” Duo stammered, not quite sure what he was talking about.  
          “Ever since Wes realized that you had run away, the idiot thought that you were going to come running back to him. Then, a month passed and he started looking for you and went fucking _nuts_! I’ve known the man since high school and I’d never seen him so crazed! Then, when he figured out you’d run off with Yuy, he freaked! But all this time, he still believed you would come crawling back to him, like the trained dog you used to be. You’re still that dog, but you’re not so good at following orders anymore, are you?” Chris grabbed Duo by his bangs and wrenched his head up with a jerk, loving the hiss that Duo made, but not paying attention to Heero’s flinch.  
          “You’ll never come back, I realized, not until you get scared of that goody two shoes life you’ve got now, and I’m not willing to wait around like Wes. I’m not acting like a fucking love-sick bitch and I ain’t an optimist,” Chris grounded out. Duo’s violet eyes widened at what he was being told. Wes was still holding on to him? He had thought that, after all this time, Wes would have given up on him and gone on to a new whore. What the hell was his game?! Even Heero’s presence hadn’t made his ex-guardian realize that he was a lost cause? Why?!  
   
        _“I love you.”_  
   
          No, no that couldn’t be it! Wes couldn’t be in love with him! But… why else would he say that? Had he really driven the man to madness by… by _love_? Fuck, he wanted to be happy about that. He wanted to scream “Good! I hope the bastard is as miserable as I was every day I was in his so-called ‘care’! I hope that he chokes to death on his fucking ‘love’!” He had thought that he would be happy, knowing that Wes was no longer his cool, unflappable self and was in pain, but… he wasn’t happy. Wasn’t that a kick to the crotch? He wasn’t happy about this, he felt… sad. Fuck, he actually felt bad for Wes. But… though he didn’t want Wes’ love, couldn’t cope with _that_ emotion from _that_ man, it was the love that he deserved. Heero sure as hell was never going to love him, but Wes would. He was the only man that could love him… they were just as fucked up as each other. Who was the real monster here, Wes who had done such horrible things to him, or himself, who couldn’t even feel good about his tormentor’s pain, who actually fucking pitied and felt bad about that pain? Wasn’t it supposed to be like in a comic book? Wasn’t he supposed to feel good, feel vindicated? He didn’t. He just sort of felt… tired. Tired so far down inside that no sleep could reach it.   
          Wes had known Chris since high school? He hadn’t known that. He had lived with Wes for almost a decade, but there was so much about him that he had never known. How could you live with a person for so long, a person that knew you inside and out so completely, there were absolutely no illusions of privacy around him, and find out that you didn’t know shit about him as well? Was that what this was about? Was Chris so pissed about Wes that he wanted revenge on his behalf? That wasn’t like him. Chris respected Wes, he knew that much. Chris acted like Wes was his fucking hero, but Chris was also sociopathic, cold, and detached enough that he wasn’t prone to fits of anger like Wes was. That he would risk himself for something as petty and trivial as revenge was unlikely. But, as confused about all of this as he was, Duo knew one thing: if there was any truth to what Chris was saying, then Wes hadn’t been involved in this plan. That was a good thing, wasn’t it, for both himself and Heero? He knew that, if he saw Wes here, his very tentative, weak grip on his sanity would fail him and he would completely unravel. If Wes hadn’t been involved, he would bet that Chris was acting alone. That didn’t give him a ton of hope, but a tiny bit was better than nothing at all. If Wes wasn’t here, wasn’t going to show himself, and they were indeed going to die, then did that mean that that night, the night that Wes had released him and told him that he loved him like a son, was his last memory of him, the very last time that he had seen him? That thought brought forth an odd, sickening emotion inside of him that he couldn’t even begin to decipher.   
          Heero had no idea what to think. Chris had seemed to forget that he even existed and was completely focused on Duo. Clearly, this trap had been for Duo and he was just an after thought. He didn’t know how he could use that to his advantage yet, but he kept it in mind. This Chris knew Duo’s Wes, and Duo was well aware of that fact. That alone, above anything else, told Heero that Chris was very dangerous. It also told him that, if he ever got free, he would not be letting the police deal with Chris. He had accepted, in a sort of bitter, unaccepting way, that he might never exact revenge on Wes, but, for now, Chris would have to do. Someone had to pay for Duo, his innocence, his health; mental, emotional, and physical, and his childhood. No matter what, he wasn’t leaving this room until Chris was cold and rotting by Heero’s hand alone. Of course, he had already decided on that the second Chris had dared to kiss Duo. It was silly, he knew that, with Duo’s past, he had probably been kissed before and Heero didn’t have the courage to kiss him even if it would be Duo’s first kiss, but actually _seeing_ some strange man kissing his crush was different than knowing those things.  
          “You’re a liability, the both of you,” Chris continued, seeming to finally notice Heero and looked over at him, “Eventually, one of you will go to the police,” he glared at Duo, “and don’t give me that bullshit that he doesn’t know the truth. You might as well have killed him yourself,” he smirked as the color drained out of Duo’s face.  
          “You can’t…” Duo gasped out, shocked at the tears that suddenly broke through and poured down his cheeks, “Please, Chris, I’ll do anything you want! He doesn’t know shit! He’s just a guy I’m relying on, if… if you kill him, his mother will destroy you! Just kill me, let him go, he won’t cause you any trouble, I promise!” Duo was nearly sobbing as he begged. He knew that it wouldn’t do any good, but logic had escaped him once Chris revealed that he was, indeed, going to kill Heero as well. Chris released his bangs and rolled up his pant leg as though he wasn’t even paying attention to Duo. The two teenagers watched with wide eyes as the man unsheathed a large, gleaming hunting knife, the type that you would see in combat and horror films, looking like it had been recently sharpened. Heero’s stomach lurched and he gave out a small cry as Chris pressed the large knife against Duo’s throat, not hard enough to cut, but if Chris flinched, the blade would slice through the boy’s flesh like it was butter. Heero didn’t dare breathe, swearing at himself for his cry. What if he had startled Chris and the knife had slipped? But did it matter? This was why they were here. Chris was going to kill them and he had chosen Duo to be first. His body shook and he felt like his blood was turning to ice. He couldn’t do this… he couldn’t just… sit here and watch this bastard slaughter his best friend like some scared, mindless rabbit!   
          Duo looked at Chris defiantly, angry that he could even buy Heero’s freedom. Chris was right. Anything bad that happened to Heero at Chris’ hand would be Duo’s fault. He had befriended Heero and run the risks. He had put Heero here, had put him in danger. Some ‘friend’ he was. He couldn’t even keep Heero safe! He would do anything to get him out of this, let Chris slit his throat wide open, if it would save Heero, it didn’t matter! But, the cold, hard fact was that he had nothing to offer Chris for Heero’s life. Chris knew that he knew how the world of crime worked. Chris wouldn’t let anyone have the opportunity to hold _anything_ over his head, so he wouldn’t let him or Heero go. They were going to die, and it was all his fault. He never should have reached out to Heero as long as there were people in his life that could hurt him. He had gotten Heero killed… Heero had to hate him for that. Even if they survived this, their friendship wouldn’t. He could feel something beautiful and wonderful shattering inside of him. It was so painful, he wanted to tear his veins out. He wanted to cry… in that moment, realizing what he had done, he rediscovered his desire to die.  
          Chris studied his prey and smirked at the dark, turbulent look in Duo’s eyes. He always was so erotic when he was on the verge of collapse, especially when he was crying. It stirred that primal urge to dominate deep in his gut. He would actually feel bad about killing the kid. He would miss fucking that sweet ass, it was a crime to kill an ass that fine. He would miss holding him down and hearing him cry as he shoved his cock into the boy’s delectable heat. He reached around to Duo’s back and unhooked his manacles from the chain keeping him anchored to the wall, but kept the manacles on. Duo’s entire body stiffened like a board as the knife traveled from his neck to the waist of his jeans.  
          “What the fuck are you doing?!” Heero snarled like a rabid wolf from across the room. Duo was too frozen by the image of the knife pressed against his midsection and his friend’s fury to move or protest. Chris promptly ignored Heero and slowly sliced, downward, through the longhaired boy’s jeans. Duo’s breath hitched, white noise overwhelming whatever it was that Heero was screaming at Chris, watching and nearly panting as his captor slid his mutilated jeans and boxers down his legs. Duo squeezed his eyes shut, tears trailing down his cheeks. He wanted to tell Heero not to watch, but he couldn’t speak. His face was too hot. Heero was going to see him naked… he had seen him that way before, but this was different and, if he hadn’t hated Chris before, he certainly hated him now. Heero didn’t need to see this…  
          “Please, don’t,” Duo begged, but it was hollow and halfhearted. He had been down this track hundreds of times before and he knew where it ended. _This_ he was used to, _this_ he knew what to expect. Well, with the exception of Heero being here. He didn’t know how to deal with that, he didn’t want to know how. Why did Chris have to do this to him? He was already murdering him, why did he have to rip his heart to pieces, and his pride, on top of that?   
          “Sssh,” Chris cooed as Duo started to panic, his heart racing in his chest. He had to get out, he was trapped again… this couldn’t happen… not for Heero, anything but that… for a second, in Chris’ mocking attempts of comfort, his image blurred with Wes’ in Duo’s mind.  
          ‘Stop crying,’ he tried to order himself, but it was useless. He just couldn’t stop the endless flow of tears. Chris suddenly shoved him against the wall, pinning him to it with one hand around his throat, his eyes roving over Duo’s shapely thighs and the bottom of his white, button-up shirt that polled in the boy’s lap, giving him a small bit of modesty. It was his legs that interested him more anyway.  
          “Don’t worry,” Chris soothed, replacing his hand on Duo’s throat with his knife again, “You were the best fuck I’ve ever had and that’s saying something,” he chuckled, “Most scream and blubber on, but succumb to it. They break before I have the chance to have any fun,” Chris sighed heavily, “They never tell you that, when you’ve got a big dick, suddenly you become the boogeyman when sex is concerned. They tell you that size does matter, but that’s a lie. Nothing’s ever good enough,” he grumbled, “But you were different. You were scared, like all the rest, but you never became a doll, you _always_ fought. Best fucking turn on in the world, like a wild horse that can never be brought to heel. I appreciate that, really, I do. So, I’ll make your death quick. I can’t promise that it’ll be painless. I hate guns, they’re so… impersonal, and for you… as Wes’ favorite bitch, this _should_ be personal. So, I apologize, but it will hurt. But, at least we can have one last bit of fun before we have to make a mess of things.”  
          Duo squirmed a little, feeling the cold steel pressed against his neck and Chris’ heated stare moving along his body. There was a part of him that struggled to be flattered that someone as sadistic as Chris was willing to give him a quick death, but mostly he felt chilled and offended. There was that word again, ‘fun’. He wanted to scream that it certainly wasn’t fun for him!   
          “Please let Heero go,” he tried to plead again, “I’ll do whatever you want without complaint, just let him go. He doesn’t know where we are, he can’t lead anything back to you!”  
          “No, Duo!” Heero snapped, his tone soaked with desperation. Duo whipped his head around to look at him. Heero looked like he was about to snap, a horrible look in his eyes, straining against his bonds like a wild creature, like, if he could only fight hard enough, he could get free and come to Duo’s rescue. But Heero couldn’t save him this time. So many times, Heero had come in, like a white knight, to save his sorry ass, from the world, and from himself. But Heero couldn’t save him this time and he certainly didn’t blame him for it. This was his fault, not Heero’s besides, he couldn’t save Heero, either. He wondered what Heero made of all of this, what it was doing to him, inside where Duo couldn’t see. There were so many things that he wanted to say to comfort Heero, but none of them that he wanted Chris to hear, so all he could do was give Heero a sad smile that said he would do anything to get him out of this horror, even kill himself.   
          The sound of Chris unbuckling and unzipping his slacks gained the two boys’ attentions more efficiently than a clap of thunder. Heero looked at the man’s impressive member with wide eyes. When Chris had been moaning about his size, Heero had thought that he had been joking or embellishing. He hadn’t. The man really was a monster, but no more than the rest of his large form would suggest. Heero wasn’t exactly small, either, but in other circumstances, he would have had the typical male response and had felt self-conscious about it, but all he could think was: he’s going to put that thing inside Duo. His stomach churned and he felt this sudden urge to scream or claw at his skin. He was helpless. He couldn’t _do_ anything! He couldn’t protect Duo… when it counted the very most, he couldn’t save his best friend. His breath caught in his throat and he found that it was hard to breathe. He watched as Chris gripped Duo’s thigh and pushed his leg against Duo’s stomach, shoving his other leg with his knee, keeping them spread wide. His large finger dug into Duo’s creamy skin and Heero knew that the longhaired boy would have deep, painful bruises there. They were trapped, there was no reason for him to use brute force like that! Of course, the bastard had them up against a corner. He could do with them whatever he wanted and there was absolutely no reason for him to be gentle, either. Duo was looking at Chris’ penis with an equal amount of fear, but his expression was missing Heero’s shock and disbelief. It was that… terror, but acceptance, that drove home to Heero that, this time around, nothing was going to stop what was going to happen. It was that fear that turned his anguish and hopelessness into fury.  
          “I’m going to kill you!” he screamed, “Do you hear me?! If you hurt him, I’ll fucking _kill you_!”   
          The only indication that Chris made that he had heard Heero was a slight smirk. The, almost in an act of defiance, he pushed at duo’s thigh more, shifting his body enough that he could see the pale curves of Duo’s ass. Duo started to shake as Chris pulled him into his lap and he felt the heavy, fat head of his cock slide in between his cheeks and press against his entrance. He met Chris’ stare, not realizing how badly he was shaking or how pale and washed out he looked.   
          “Chris, please don’t-,” he started to plead, but his words ended in a piercing scream as Chris placed his free hand on Duo’s hip, keeping him steady as he shoved up and forward. He didn’t even get the chance to scream at Heero not to look, or think that screaming out loud like that was damn humiliating.  
          Even as Heero thought that he definitely didn’t want to watch, wanted to deny how helpless he was, that Duo wasn’t being raped in front of his eyes, he couldn’t look away. He saw Chris’ massive cock go _inside_ Duo, heard Duo’s heartbreaking scream of pain and humiliation, and his vision went red. He didn’t know if it was because of shock or rage or if it was simply because of the rivers of blood dripping down Chris’ length as it ripped through the longhaired boy… Duo’s blood. In the colorless room, it was brilliant and shocking at the same time, pooling on the wood floor. Duo’s body spasmed as he cried out, his senses narrowing down to agony and the feeling of Chris’ cock, hot and wet, pulsing inside of his body, sheathed up to the base. Everything was white hot in his pain. Even collapsing on his rapist’s hard body gave him no support. He felt like a rag doll under Chris’ stronger body. It had been months since he had had sex, the longest since he had lost his virginity, and his anal muscles, like any muscle, had fallen to disuse, something that he had never thought that he would complain about. Chris made it hurt on a normal day, but now… he felt like he was dying. He heard a keening wail fall out of his throat, past his tongue and squeezed his eyes closed, trying to roll with the pain as he had done so many times in the past. He could feel his own blood rushing out of him, and the sensation of tearing was haunting. He had enough sense to realize that he was going into shock. He could still feel the knife at his throat and suddenly wished that Chris’ hand wasn’t still holding him still so he could lean forward and end it all. Did that count as suicide? He could hear Chris already starting to pant in his ear, but he thankfully staid still. If he moved right now, Duo was sure that he would go mad, he was already struggling with it.  
          Heero couldn’t watch anymore. He felt like all of his thoughts, his wits, were pulling apart as though there was a strong wind blowing in his mind. He couldn’t do this… he couldn’t watch that… animal mate and hurt and violate Duo, who was so bright and beautiful. He couldn’t understand how Duo could have survived something so terrible, not just once, but hundreds of times. Turning his head and closing his eyes did nothing to lessen the things that he was feeling right now, as his friend was being raped mere feet from him, because Duo _was_ being raped, and no denial of his senses was going to change that fact. Besides, he could _hear_ them, he could hear Chris’ labored pants and Duo’s small, pained sobs and the subtle dripping of wet blood on to the hard floor. This was what hell, what madness, sounded like. He had heard about the ‘smell’ of sex, and realized that he could definitely smell it, thick and nasty, but mixed with the heavy smell of blood, it smelled even more primal and terrifying.   
          Chris finally seemed to get used to Duo’s tightness and drew out, only to slam back into his snug heat in one fluid, brutal motion. Pain flared in Duo’s lower back, his muscles taut at the feeling of the green-eyed man’s impressive girth invading his body, and he felt tears trail down his cheeks. He realized that he wasn’t crying because of the terrible pain, he was crying over the humiliation of the rediscovery of his fate, his fate to never be strong or clean, to relive the same traumas over and over again. The man’s thrusts were hard and violent and it made the pain worse and worse, the force of them slamming his back against the wall. He dimly realized that there was something very wrong. Chris was fucking him a bit too easily, the amount of blood he was bleeding out down there lubricating the both of them. His stomach hurt, along with his ass and back and he knew his body well enough to know that Chris had damaged something, but he also knew Chris well enough that it wouldn’t matter as soon as he was finished. It was maddening, though, the repetitious movement and pain and hot blood and pre-cum between them from the older man’s animalistic need, all of it making him feel very, very sick and scattered, on the verge of collapse. He knew, at that exact moment, feeling Chris’ weight and lust in every tiny movement, that this was what hell would be like, if such a thing existed; the pain and humiliation of rape, and the knowledge that his weakness was betraying the best friend he had ever had. If he was a real friend, he would use Chris’ lust against him and try to make a go for the knife, but it hurt so badly to move, to just breathe, and all he could feel and think about was the grey that filled his vision and thoughts.  
          “Don’t fucking look away!” Heero and Duo heard Chris snap, his voice heavy with the pleasure he was stealing from Duo and the two of them promptly opened their eyes. Heero opened his just in time to see Chris slam Duo into the wall, looming over him now, and increase his pace with a low, guttural moan. Duo gasped at the change, his throat no longer able to withstand a scream. As he fucked Duo harder, Chris looked over at Heero with annoyance, then smirked triumphantly at the shocked look that had consumed the Japanese boy’s face. He let go of Duo’s hip, a black bruise already forming there in the shape of his fingers and brushed his knuckles against Duo’s flushed, sweaty cheek, moving wisps of hair that had escaped his braid to fall over his face behind his ear, the wisps of hair giving Duo a beautiful, elfin look that Chris found especially erotic.   
          “Doesn’t he look beautiful like this?” Chris chuckled as he continued thrusting into Duo’s heat that was almost magnetic for his cock, which wanted to wring out more and more sensations, “Sex is the most powerful method of control. It can make the strongest of men bend to your will. It can make a weepy child still and cowed. It can even make someone as willful as Duo actually look at men like me with respect. He follows our orders, because we can control him so easily,” Chris nearly grinned as he watched Duo’s expression, his face pinched in pain. The, Chris looked over at Heero again with that same look or irritation. He dug his blade into the middle of Duo’s throat and, very slowly, cut downwards, in a diagonal slash.  
          “No!” Heero screamed, thrashing in his bonds. He could feel the metal cutting open his skin, wetting it with his blood, but he relished in the pain as a small punishment for his failure to help Duo, to make the monster that was hurting him go away. Blood trialed down Duo’s pale neck, blossoming and spreading on his white shirt like roses until the shoulder and part of the front looked soaked in it.  
          “Stop it! Stop it, goddamn it, why can’t you just _stop_?! Leave him alone!” Heero cried, feeling a terrible rage fill him, realizing that Chris was even more excited, more aroused, by Duo’s blood and how Duo flinched as he had cut him.  
   
   
          _Blood. He could smell it, thick and coppery. The blade was cold against him, like a shard of ice. He was taking his time. Why?_  
 _‘Just kill me,’ he thought, lying there amongst the garbage and listening to people laughing and chattering nearby, ‘kill me… kill me… kill me…’ he begged as tears slowly went down his face._  
   
   
          Duo gasped through the memory, his throat stinging and burning, but he knew that the cut wasn’t deep enough to kill him. Chris had cut him out of amusement, nothing more, because he could, and because Heero’s trying to not watch had pissed him off.  
          “I suggest that you watch, Mr. Yuy,” Chris drawled in irritation, “or I’ll make his death very, very slow and very painful. Maybe, if I fuck him with this knife instead of my cock, we will be more interesting to you?” he asked in a teasing tone that suggested he was actually considering doing it. The thought gave Heero and Duo twin shudders.  
          “Please!” Heero sobbed, incapable of closing his eyes, now that that possible image was permanently burned into his mind. His cobalt eyes met with Duo’s violet and, underneath the pain and shame, he saw a plea, the same plea Duo had voiced in the hospital, but now it was buried, subconscious, and tangled with a hundred other things, yet it was still clear to Heero.  
   
   
 _Don’t leave me alone._  
   
   
          ‘Never, not until my dying breath.’  
  
End Part 9  
  



	30. Surgery Part 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the face of Duo's probable death, Wes makes a strange decision. As their friends work tirelessly to try to find them, Heero and Duo must find a way to survive Chris' plans.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 10  
  
  
    “Well?” Trowa barked into the cell phone, pacing on his long legs as he, Quatre, and Wufei stood at the bus stop. Quatre watched his lover warily. He was so on edge, reminding Quatre of a wolf that could smell danger in the air, but didn’t know where it was coming from, but was ready to attack the invisible danger. He wanted to reach out, to hold his lover and tell him that it was going to be alright. He would have if he wasn’t so agitated himself.  
          ‘Duo, where are you guys? Are you safe?’ he thought, feeling desperate, edgy, and completely helpless. Duo and Heero still weren’t answering their cell phones and it seemed impossible to find them on foot. Really, even without finding the blood and discarded coffee, something bad had to have happened to them or they wouldn’t have disappeared. Duo, at the very least, was very responsible and never would wander off. All that they could do was wait at the bus stop, hoping that their missing friends would come back here, since they would have to come through here to go back to the hotel, and keep trying their cell phones. Trowa, understandably, was pissed off at those options, wanting to be active until they found Duo and Heero. When the time had come to call Une and ask if they might be back in the hotel; if only, they had hoped, Trowa had jumped on the task. Quatre had never seen him like that before, so much like Heero had been when Duo had gone missing, twice, and neither him or Wufei wanted to protest. Trowa was just so tightly wound, it was scary to watch. Quatre was worried about what would happen when his tall lover finally snapped, because this wasn’t like Trowa at all and he didn’t know how to deal with it. He wanted to hug him or hold his hand, just to show that he was there, but he felt like he was in a closed room with a hornet’s nest, unsure of what to do and too scared to move.   
          “Fuck!” Trowa snarled, closing his cell phone harshly, “They never checked back into the hotel! What the hell is going on?!”  
          Trowa kicked at one of the newspaper machines near them and Quatre watched in alarm as the glass cracked, but fortunately didn’t shatter. He knew exactly what was going on in his lover’s head. It was like when Duo had run away from home not too long ago and he had not taken his medication with him. If Duo and Heero had been kidnapped, Duo would be in trouble. But, this had happened before and Trowa hadn’t acted so… wired before. He was just as worried about Trowa as he was about Duo and Heero and he was pretty helpless on both fronts.  
          “Trowa, it’s going to be ok,” he tried to lie, to soothe. It wasn’t working. Trowa spared him a haggard glance.  
          “No, it won’t. You know it won’t. This isn’t like before. Duo didn’t run away to a town he knows inside and out. He was _kidnapped_ in a _huge_ , unknown city! If Heero being with him made any sort of difference, they would have found a way to contact us by now! And the police won’t do shit because they’ve barely been missing one hour, let alone twenty-four! How is this going to be ok?!” Trowa demanded. Quatre didn’t yell back at him, knowing that the tall boy was just distraught. But why? That was the question here. Trowa was acting like Heero… well, not that extreme quite yet, but he was a far cry from his usual composed self. Duo did that to people, but Trowa was usually so adept at hiding it. He put a hand on Trowa’s arm and felt relieved when, instead of shoving him away, Trowa leaned and seemed to almost melt into the contact.  
          “Trowa, what’s wrong? I mean, what’s _really_ wrong?” Quatre asked softly. Wufei watched this with interest. He knew exactly how Trowa felt, though Quatre didn’t appear to see it. Something terrible had happened to their friends, but it wasn’t just that. They _had_ to find them, because they were guilty. Since childhood, Wufei had been taught about right and wrong, about what was just, but he had also been taught to hide away his emotions. Even so, all the emotions Trowa was exuding Wufei felt deep inside. It was something that Quatre didn’t understand. They had promised Duo that everything would be fine, that they would protect him, but in the end… they couldn’t. They had failed. They were responsible.  
          “I promised him!” Trowa snapped, “I promised him,” his voice fell to a haunting murmur. He closed his eyes, his shoulders shaking, and he slumped onto the bus stop bench.  
   
   
          _“I can’t promise you that coming home will make that pain better, but I can promise you that you don’t have to suffer alone.”_  
  
  
  
 _“I promise you, we’ll keep you safe.”_  
 _“I believe you.”_  
  
  
  
 _“We’re not going to let anything bad happen, I promise.”_  
   
   
   
          He had promised Duo that he would never be alone, that he would be safe, they would keep him safe. He understood, first hand, how important that promise of safety and companionship had been to Duo. And he had broken those promises, he had betrayed his friend. Duo wasn’t safe anymore, had he ever been safe? They didn’t even know if Duo and Heero were together. What if Duo was all alone, terrified, and hurting? If anything happened, would it be their faults, for being unable to protect Duo? They had convinced him to go on this trip. Of course, it had been easy considering Duo had really wanted to go.   
          He knew that his and Duo’s relationship was different than the ones that they had with their other friends. In some ways it was stronger. They had both gone through terrible things in their lives and had somehow survived them. They had told each other things, secrets, that they felt they couldn’t tell anyone else. Maybe it was because of that, because they had forged a special bond through mutual pain and inner strength, but he felt protective of Duo. He wanted to keep him safe and maybe that was a double standard, thinking that he was more responsible than the others for Duo’s safety, but they didn’t understand about the promises he had made. He had betrayed the younger boy. He had let something bad happen to him, he had let him suffer alone. How could he not feel solely responsible and frantic?  
          “I promised him that he would be safe,” he whispered brokenly. Quatre wrapped his arm around Trowa’s, feeling inadequate in trying to comfort his lover.   
          “We all promised him that,” he soothed. Trowa broke away from him.  
          “That’s not the same!” he protested, “What I promised him was different! I was responsible for him! If anything happens… it will be my fault!”  
          “How?” Quatre demanded, “How is it any different from what we promised him?! How are we any less responsible?! I left them alone! If anything, _I’m_ the one responsible! If you’re going to get this upset, be mad at me, not yourself!”   
          Trowa shook his head. He could never blame his lover for this. What if the person that had kidnapped Duo and Heero would have taken Quatre, too? He shuddered hard. He didn’t know how he would react if Quatre went missing, too, wondering if that blood had been his lover’s. He probably would have gone off the deep end.  
          “It’s not your fault,” he whispered. Quatre put his hands on Trowa’s shoulders.  
          “Then it’s not yours, either, Trowa, it can’t be. You can’t be more responsible,” he said softly. Trowa wanted to protest, he wanted to tell his love about how close he felt to Duo and why he felt that way, but he couldn’t. He felt ashamed of himself, after all of these years of loving Quatre so much that he felt like his heart just might explode with the size of his feelings for the blonde, he was still too much of a coward to tell him about his past. He was too scared about what it would mean for their relationship, about Quatre being disgusted in him. He didn’t care what Wufei thought, he knew that their new friend had changed quite a bit from when Duo had confided in them. But Quatre was his lover and what he had to tell him could affect their love lives. Besides, if Wufei scorned him, he could survive, but if Quatre did it…  
   
         _“If it was someone I loved, I’d want to know everything about him, good and bad. I’d want to help him.”_  
  
          Duo’s words, ringing in his head, sent a deep chill down Trowa’s spine. Duo had helped him so much, he had been the first person Trowa had ever told his secret to and he had accepted him. Now, that kind, wonderful person was in danger… Duo was right. If, God forbid, it had been Quatre, he would have wanted to know about it. He would have wanted to hold him and comfort him, no matter the secret, and Quatre wasn’t so shallow as to turn him away over something like this, not his Quatre. Duo had had the strength to tell all of them his dark secrets, why couldn’t he have the same strength? He sighed. He should have told Quatre years ago, but it had taken a kindred spirit to teach him that such courage was possible.  
          “Quatre, there’s something I need to tell you,” he said softly. Quatre watched him intently, silent for whatever he needed to say. He could do this, he told himself, this was _Quatre_. If Duo could find the strength to tell Heero, then surely he could…  
          “You know how I told you that when my parents died, Cathy took care of me and has been my legal guardian ever since?” Trowa asked. Quatre nodded. They had been through this before. Trowa was such a quiet, secretive person, it had taken him years to tell Quatre anything about his past.   
          “Yes, I remember,” Quatre said in a soft voice, neither of them paying Wufei any mind, who was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. With Heero and Duo missing, he was certainly not going to go wandering off by himself, but he felt that it would be wrong to eavesdrop on Quarter and Trowa’s conversation, but it was hard not to listen when they were only a few feet away.  
          “Your parents died when you were a baby,” Quatre recalled, “Your sister was the only parent you knew, but she did a good job of raising you on her own.”  
          Trowa nodded.  
          “That’s right, but there’s something I never you,” he told his lover. He paused and Quatre didn’t urge him on, despite his curiosity. Trowa, though secretive, had never outright hidden the truth from him, but he wanted to give him as much time as he needed.   
          “When I was nine, the state took me from Cathy and gave me to my uncle. He raped me repeatedly,” Trowa’s voice was oddly solid as he spoke. He wondered if telling Duo first had made it easier, or if it was just that he trusted Quatre so much.   
          Wufei had been trying to blend into the background, so Quatre and Trowa would forget that he was listening, but at Trowa’s confession, he gasped. He had been so shocked that something so terrible had happened to Duo and now Trowa was saying… was the whole world so twisted and ugly and he had just been too blind to see it?  
          Quatre made a small sound of pain and hugged his boyfriend as tightly as he could.  
          “Oh, Trowa, I had no idea,” he breathed, his voice filled with pain.  
          “I never told anyone,” Trowa confessed, “I never even told Cathy when I was given back to her. My uncle went to jail, but I never told her why. I could never tell you, I was too busy pretending that that period of my life had never happened. Then, when Duo had told us all those things in the hospital… it was like the lid was coming off for the first time in years and I realized that we were so alike. Duo was the first person I told those things to.”  
          Quatre looked up at him with wide eyes and Trowa smiled at him a bit bitterly.  
          “He told me that I should tell you, but I didn’t listen until now. Don’t you see now? Duo and I… we’re so alike. We told each other things, secrets, because we understand what… what pain and hopelessness feels like. And I had promised him, Quatre, I had _promised_ him. I should have been there, always, to protect him. He listened to me, understood me, he gave me the courage to finally tell you these things, and now he’s in danger, all because I couldn’t keep a promise!” Trowa was silenced as Quatre kissed him sweetly, without so much as a hint or reproach. Quatre grabbed his chin and forced him to look him in the eye.  
          “Now, you listen to me, Trowa Barton!” he said in a stern, but affectionate, voice, “What happened to you and Duo is terrible! I hope that Wes and your uncle burn in Hell for it, but keeping Duo a hundred percent safe, wrapping him up and keeping him in a cocoon because the both of you went through some similar traumas, that is _not_ your job! Yes, you made promises and so did we, but we kept them! We didn’t put him in danger, we did all we could and, dammit, there is nothing you could have done differently! Duo would hit you if he heard that you were putting all of this blame on yourself! Your job is to be his friend, your job is not to blame yourself, but to help us find him and do what friends do, help each other we need help! Duo needs us, Heero needs, and we need you! Got it?”  
          Trowa nodded, his green-eyes wide at Quatre’s speech.  
          “Good,” Quatre said with a little nod, “Now that you’re calm, I need you to call Name.”  
   
  
   
          He looked like hell. No, hell was too kind. His hair was untamed and wild around his face, just like it had been when he was a teenager, but he was thirty-five now, too old to look like some rugged bad boy. He didn’t feel like taking care of it, though. The only sort of energy he had anymore was an aching anger towards himself, towards Chris, towards Duo, towards the whole bloody world. With his pale skin and dark circles and tired, hungry eyes, Wes looked like one of his strung-out junkies and he hated himself for that. He was a junkie though, and a strange one at that, yearning for the one thing that was eluding him, the one that that was killing him. He hated Duo for that. Wes ran his hand through his scruffy blonde hair as he stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, a glass of vodka in his hand that was already half gone. The larger bottle waiting for him on the kitchen table was half gone, too. He had started on it when Chris had left. He hated Chris for that, leaving him all alone in this damn apartment. How the fuck had this happened?   
          He had had perfect control on his life; money, people, he had had control, he had been unfaltering, impenetrable, he had, single handedly, taken down the biggest, most fearsome gang in New England, there wasn’t a single junkie, pimp, whore, or cop in this half of the country that didn’t know his name. So how the hell had one scrawny, street rat whore destroyed that control so completely? How had he turned him into this… shell, this _thing_ , at his mere absence? He had had hundreds of whores come and go under his hand, but Duo was different, he had always been different, form the first time he had seen him, though he couldn’t figure out why the kid made such an impact on him. He wasn’t the first sexy thing Wes had managed to tame, but there was just something about him…  
          The second that he had spotted Duo, barely old enough to reach past his knee, he had instinctually known that the brat, if properly trained, would end up quite popular as a whore and he had been right. Something as pretty and expressive as Duo was hard to come by on the streets and it was easy to see how someone would be eager to fuck him, but it had become something more. No, it had always been that way between them. He had kept the boy at his apartment because he had worried that another pimp might cross his territory while he had still been training him, but then the training had been completed and Duo had staid. He had even given the kid his own room and had allowed him to go to school, to try for an education that he would never use and to what end? Duo was just a two-bit whore, not anything more. But he had let him come and go like he was his kid, not just a business tool. When had that very basic fact changed? Something inside of him had broken. He had noticed it the day he had let Duo go. That certainly hadn’t been in the plan. He wasn’t an honest man, but when he made threats, he always kept them. But he had let him go. More than that, he had told the kid that he loved him. The truly, truly fucked up thing here was that it was true.   
          With a growl that was more animal than human, Wes smashed the glass of vodka into the sink, clear shards flying up and sliding down the drain along with the alcohol, the shards making a high-pitched clinking sound as they went down the metal pipe. Love… it was disgusting enough to spit at. Aside from his thin control on his anger, Wes had never been an emotional child. He had been quite apt at seeing the angles of things, of finding ways of exploiting everyone around him. He was still good at it, call it a natural talent. Money, power, sex, it was all the same in the end, as long as you could get control of the things in your life. When he looked at himself in the mirror, a stranger looked back at him. He had changed and he couldn’t see when that had happened.  
          In a physical sense, he had lusted after Duo the moment he had laid eyes on him and after so many years, the little things that he liked about the kid, his gentle nature, his grace, his bright curiosity, and how he fought against him while appearing to be submissive, those little, not quite physical things had wormed inside of Wes, like an obsession, an addiction he could only satisfy when Duo was in his grasp, when they were fucking, when he was touching him, when he was watching Duo as he slept. Duo had been in that grasp for a very long time, but trying to keep that hold on the kid had been like having a handful of sand. You could feel it there, on your skin, but at the same time, you could feel it slipping away from you. Duo had been like a doll at times, obeying him like the good little whore that he was, but it had been a lie. Somewhere deep inside, Wes had always known that Duo was never really _his_ , it was more like he was renting him. That was part of the thrill of being around him, or having sex with him and keeping him locked up, knowing that he had to truly work to keep him reigned in. He had thought he could handle it, that Duo would always be _his_. He would give the boy to other men to fuck and let him go to school with other kids, but at the end of the day, he had always known that Duo was coming back to him.  
          But it hadn’t lasted, that surety, his control… It had started with that prick, Heero Yuy, as rich as he was, still little more than a snot-nosed brat chasing after someone else’s toy. People like that had no concept of property, but Wes had let him chase after Duo out of greed. He never should have allowed it. He had seen it in those gorgeous, violet eyes, a spark of interest in his new ‘friend’. He should have put a stop to all of it, the school, Duo’s running around where Wes couldn’t keep an eye on him, but he had been too cocky. Then, he had run away. He had never expected that, thinking that Duo had learned to stay on his leash from all those years ago and the punishments for running away. When he had caught the little shit again, he should have kept him chained up, but he had missed the boy that he had been living with for the past eight years. Chained to that bed, Wes had watched something vital break in the boy, he had seen the light start to go from Duo’s eyes, and for the first time in his life, he had hurt. For the first time, he realized that he _cared_ , he _loved_ … Duo had changed him horribly, and then he had left him all alone in this damn apartment, in his old life that suddenly seemed so dull and lonely in his absence, with only faint, sentimental memories as a frail comfort.  
          He didn’t need this feeling, this desperation and yearning, but he couldn’t shrug it off. He had no strength or conviction anymore. He was fucking broken and no matter what he did, nothing was working anymore. This wasn’t him. It wasn’t like him to be… fucking _pining_ after another person like this. Somewhere in those eight years, Duo had ceased to be a tool for him to use, he had stopped being just another whore and he knew, even if he could get Duo back from Yuy somehow, things could never be the same. Their relationship had changed because _Wes_ had changed and that was… implausible. The only thing that seemed to be the same inside of him was his anger. There was a deep, aching hole inside of him that was demanding that he destroy something, or someone, and one little glass was not enough.  
          He felt dizzy and confused all the time now, while before he had only felt superiority and a cold sort of surety over every single one of his actions. It seemed like everything he had ever believed in was a lie. It had been a good lie, though, something that had gotten him quite far in life. He had been nobody, but through sheer conviction, he had risen above it all and had become something akin to a king in the circles that he ran in. And he had thrown that power in Duo’s face, someone who had never been impressed or broken by him. Oh, he had been afraid of Wes, and in Wes’ opinion, fear was just as good as respect, but it hadn’t been good enough. He should have seen that. He had looked at Duo and had thought that that fear was testament to the control that he had over the kid. But in the end, it had all been a lie, he had had no more control over Duo than he had over the weather, he could prepare for it and take measures against it, but Duo had run away anyway, hadn’t he? He had been denying that fact for eight years. He had even believed that Duo couldn’t survive without him, Yuy would throw him away and Duo, after all those years together, couldn’t live on his own. But, eventually, that illusion had to break. The brat had gotten under his skin so easily, while the hell would Yuy be immune to that?  
          Wes slammed the sides of his fists against the mirror, watching in triumph as huge cracks formed and the bottom corners shattered, falling on the counter. He could feel the glass slicing his hands and wrists. It stung, but it felt damn good, too. Physical pain was something he could handle, and it kept his mind off the weird emotional pain he had been feeling the past few months. It was like a fucking infection, spreading and eating away. He even felt jealous of Yuy. He even felt jealous of Yuy. He had never felt anything so petty, but jus the thought of that Japanese fuck screwing around with what was his sent him into a rage. Lying was always something he had been good at, and surely he _was_ good at it, since he had been quite adept at lying to himself. He had told himself that, eventually, Duo would come back to him, but that wasn’t true. The boy seemed to be thriving under Yuy’s hand, besides, he had been surviving on the streets before they had met, barely living, but still living. Wes had been lying to himself and Duo when he had chained him up in his bedroom, making both of them believe it was permanent and Wes’ actions had been those of anger and a need to fulfill his punishment, but he hadn’t been as angry at Duo’s actions as he had been scared of losing the kid. He had lost him anyway. He looked at himself in the mirror. His reflection was distorted in the cracked glass, dozens of cold, grey eyes looking back at him. It made him smirk. That was exactly how he felt, fractured, like there were hundreds of pieces of himself, all overwhelmed and conflicted.  
          Wes left the bathroom, leaving the glass untouched, blood dripping onto the floor, and walked into what had been Duo’s bedroom. It seemed like years that he had been waiting for Duo to come back home. He had waited and waited while Duo had been getting cozy and rich with a story book family. He had watched him, coming and going with Yuy and the other kids until it had finally hit him that Duo would never come back to him, even if he wanted to. That was something they both had in common, they were too proud. It was that sense of what should be, what was right, that had kept Duo fighting against him. But Wes had already reached his breaking point and he was too stubborn to let go. He wanted to be angry at Duo, wanted to blame all this weakness on him, but even he realized that the mistake was his own, Duo hadn’t forced it on him.  
          More than anything, he wanted to put this behind him, but he knew that such a thing was impossible. Al he could think about was getting Duo back, so this irritating distraction and emotions would go away. He couldn’t let duo go. It was more than just his stubbornness. Some of the emotions weren’t so terrible, it was the way they distracted him that was troublesome, but the emotions made him feel… alive. Usually, it was his anger that made him feel that spark of life, but this was different, it was stronger and more chaotic. He had had no idea that you could hate a feeling and love it at the same time.  
          He hadn’t touched Duo’s room since he had left. Chris had called him an ass and had wanted to make use of it, believing in a way that Wes hade been unable to that Duo wasn’t coming back, but Wes hadn’t been able to let him do it. Wes took his phone out of his pocket, flipping it open and entering a phone number, but didn’t put it through, debating it. He might have been having a bad few months, but he was never a fool. A few of the men he and Chris did business with had kids that went to Duo’s school, so the both of them knew where Duo was going to be this week, then all of a sudden, Chris had business out of state. He knew exactly what his old friend and partner was up to, the very second Chris had left. Taking care of loose ends, it was a logical step, and he had let him leave. He could have easily stopped him, but he hadn’t. There had been a part of him that had been glad. He couldn’t be logical anymore when it came to Duo and he certainly couldn’t _kill_ him. The mere thought of doing so made his stomach churn, _him_ , who had always had steel nerves and had murdered so many pimps and drug dealers, witnesses and gang bangers that he had lost ocunt. He had hoped that, if Chris took care of their one loose end, he might be able to sleep at night again, he could get over this crack in the road and things would return to normal. But two days had passed and now, he was screaming inside.  
          Wes looked from Duo’s bed to the screen of his phone, his finger hovering over the key pad in indecision. He growled at himself and his weakness. He stabbed at the ‘send’ button with his bloody finger, staining the key a brilliant red.  
   
  
   
          He was crying again, he could feel fresh, hot tears on his cheeks, but Heero couldn’t blink them away or look away from what was making him cry, he didn’t dare after Chris’ threat. The man was still… inside Duo and with that monster inside his slender body and Chris’ large hand pinning him to the wall, Duo looked so fragile and vulnerable, it was impossible for him _not_ to cry. His friend looked like he was struggling just to stay alert. With the growing puddle of blood on the floor and slash on his neck, Duo had to be in considerable pain. Heero would have wished for him to finally black out, just to spare him from the pain and going through the rape if Heero wasn’t so scared of what Chris would do, or that Duo wouldn’t wake up again. A part of him informed him that that would be a mercy. They were going to die anyway and he didn’t want Duo to suffer through this moment anymore than he already had. But he couldn’t stop holding onto the hope that they were going to survive this.  
          Fuck it, but this wasn’t fair! It was bad enough that Chris was going to kill Duo, but did his last moments have to be this nightmare?! It was beyond disrespectful or sad, it was… hell, he didn’t even have a word for how it made him feel! All he could think about was, not how much of a monster Chris was, but how much of a bastard _he_ was, all the promises he had broken, how he had let his best friend down, had gotten raped and, unless a miracle happened, murdered.  
   
         _“I’m going to save you.”_  
   
          He almost laughed at that. He hadn’t saved Duo, he had just given him a vacation. No, worse, he had shown him how wonderful the world could be, he had given him dreams and hopes, had brought him up from the gutter only to shove him back down with broken promises and shattered dreams. Dammit, he was worse than Chris! He had made Duo believe that he could be saved, that his life could be better, and now, before he had even gotten started, his life was going to end, not in peace surrounded by people he trusted and loved, but at the hands of one of the people that had been hurting him since he was a kid.   
   
        _“I promise, I won’t hurt you and I won’t let anyone else hurt you, not now, not **ever**.”_  
  
 _“But that doesn’t make it right! It just makes it worse, but you won’t ever have to do it again, that’s one thing I can do for you!”_  
  
   
          In the end, it had turned out that there wasn’t a goddamn thing he could do for Duo. He had hurt him by being unable to keep him safe, he had let Chris hurt him because he was so cocky, he had believed nothing bad would happen. He had let Duo down in the worst possible way. He had promised Duo that he would never have to give sex away like it was something cheap, but that was a lie. He had truly believed that the next time Duo had sex, he would enjoy it. It was that belief that had softened the dual blows of what had happened to Duo in the past and that, the next time Duo had sex, it probably wasn’t going to be with him. Instead, Duo was never going to know what sex was supposed to feel like, Chris had taken that away from him, again. Heero had taken that away from him.   
   
          _“Everything’s going to be fine, I promise. Nothing can touch you when I’m here, ok?”_  
   
          And yet, here he was, watching and helpless to do a damn thing. His presence wasn’t helping a damn bit, it was only hurting Duo more. Nothing was fine, Duo wasn’t safe or protected or happy. Heero’s stupidity and weakness had destroyed all that.  
   
   
 _“I’m not going to leave you alone, Duo, I’ll **never** leave you alone, I promise. Don’t be scared, ok? I’m going to stay right here!”_  
 _“Promise me.”_  
 _“I promise, I’ll never abandon you”_  
   
          That was what hurt the worst. Duo had been so terrified when he had made that promise, so scared that he was going to be abandoned in the dark. He was scared again and this time, Heero couldn’t promise him anything, he had already broken all of his promises. He couldn’t even hold him and comfort him with his physical presence. He had abandoned him. He was fucking sick, he had left the boy he loved more than anything all alone in the dark.   
          Not only couldn’t he comfort his best friend, Duo probably didn’t want his hollow assurances. He probably hated him. That realization hurt, but no more or less than the realization of all the promises he had broken or what was happing to Duo now. Considering all of that, he deserved Duo’s hate.  
          “So, tell me, Yuy,” Chris heated voice broke through Heero’s tormented thoughts like he had been slapped, the fear of being accused of not paying attention gripping him.  
          “Have you two every fucked like this?” the man asked in a teasing tone. Heero flinched at those words. The accusation that he could do something like that to Duo made him angry all over again. Beyond that, he didn’t have the courage to kiss him, let alone make love to him, and that was what it would have to be, making love, not sex, or it would just be an act. Heero gritted his teeth, fear making his heart race as Chris pressed the knife against the cut he had made earlier on Duo’s neck.  
          “Answer me,” he snapped, as though he was ordering a dog.  
          “No!” Heero spat out as almost a reflex to the sharpness and warning in Chris’ voice. Chris chuckled, pressing himself further against Duo’s smaller body, feeling the teenager shaking against him, struggling just to stay rooted to reality.  
          “It’s too bad,” Chris murmured as he gave Duo’s cut a small lick, making the boy squirm as the feel of the wet tongue and his saliva in the cut made the wound sting even more, “He’s so beautiful like this, when he’s under control and helpless, but still refuses to admit it.”  
          “That’s not true!” Heero snarled, unable to stop himself from defending his friend, even though it was probably going to get the both of them killed.  
          “He’s always beautiful, and you will _never_ control him! You can’t… you can’t just control another human being! You just made it so he can’t fight back, but given the choice, he would never actually _do_ what you say! He’s his own person, not some kind of… mindless slave! And I would never do what you’re doing… I’d rather be hard up for the rest of my life, knowing that no one will ever compare to him, than become a monster like you, willing to hurt an innocent child for your own pleasures!” Heero screamed at him. Duo opened his eyes at his friend’s words and voice, his pain-clouded eyes looking at Heero in shock. Chris narrowed his own green eyes at the teenager, but instead of being angry at his outburst, he smirked. Duo followed his movement as Chris pulled out of him, his cock covered in blood and pre-cum, and reached over to the table, grabbing the syringe he had put there. Heero had thought that Duo couldn’t possibly get any paler, but as the violet eyed boy saw the white liquid inside the syringe, he looked as though he had died. He panicked, pushing against the wall as though he could disappear into it, though moving his legs made him bleed more and it caused him even more pain.  
          “Do you honestly believe that?” Chris asked Heero, as though he were speaking to a small child, “That no one can be controlled? That I can’t make him do whatever I want?”  
          “Don’t!” Duo gasped out, watching the needle with a fevered look. His muscles tightened just with the sight of it. He wanted to beg for it, make a grab for it, his body craved it. He wanted to get as far away from that needle as possible, wanted to scream and beg against it. His physical addiction to the drugs begged him to surrender to it, but his pride and utter terror and memories of what the drugs meant for him would never allow it.  
          “Please,” he begged, “Just kill me! Don’t use that!”  
          Chris tsk’d.  
          “Don’t you want to show your friend the sort of slut you are?” he teased, loving how Duo’s eyes followed the needle, but how scared his expression was, “You should be thanking me. You’ve been wanting this, right? Besides, I could just jerk you off, I’m sure he’ll get the message that way, but this seems more effective.”  
          “What is that?” Heero asked nervously, not sure that he wanted to know with how scared Duo was. Chris’ smirk was malicious, almost evil if such thing existed.  
          “I’ll show you,” he jeered. Duo lacked the strength and the ability to fight back as Chris pulled his head forward and stabbed the back of his neck with the needle.  
          “No!” Heero screamed, suddenly realizing, suddenly knowing, exactly what the drug was. He remembered his own revelation in the hospital, what drug Duo had been addicted to, what it had done, both to his body and his mind, physically and emotionally. He also realized that he had goaded Chris into this and there was nothing he could do to stop it.  
          Chris tossed the syringe away and watched as Duo curled in on himself, his eyes squeezed tightly closed and he choked out a strangled, guttural cry of agony.  
          “What did you do to him?!” Heero snapped, every nerve aching to run to his friend’s aid. In comparison to the pain Duo was displaying, Heero could no longer feel his lingering headache and cut up wrists.  
          “Relax,” Chris ordered, “Soon he won’t feel anything at all.”  
          ‘No,’ Heero thought in fury, ‘You just can’t see it, but he can feel every fucking thing!’  
          Duo seldom talked about his days chained up and drugged in Wes’ bed and Heero knew the mental agony those memories gave him, but he had told him about KL6, the things it had made him do and how he had felt. He knew that, once the drug invaded Duo’s brain, the boy would become a ghost, feeling everything that was happening to him, screaming inside his head, but unable to physically react to anything. So, he knew exactly what was going to happen, the second that Chris had injected him, not in the arm or thigh, but the back of his neck, probably exactly where the scarred over track mark was, but to actually see it was so much worse than having the drug’s insidious, nasty purpose dawn on him in the hospital.  
          Duo’s pained reaction ended in seconds, but to him, it continued, he just couldn’t show it. His body relaxed even as fire ran in his blood, making him want to vomit, if only his desires could reach the part of his brain responsible for his physical movement. Heero watched, horrified, as Duo opened his eyes, only to see how dead they were. His Duo’s beautiful, bright violet eyes were completely devoid of life, flat and dull. They were doll’s eyes. He watched as Chris undid all of Duo’s bonds. That was the final blow to Heero’s hopes. Duo was completely free, he could make a go for the knife or run to the door, but he didn’t move, made no indication that he was free. He wasn’t, Heero realized. Chris hadn’t freed him, he had pulled the chains tighter, making it impossible for Duo to do anything, even speak out against him. How could they possibly have a chance to survive this when their kidnapper was willing to sink to such… methods?  
          Chris chuckled again at Duo’s blank look, cupping his cheek affectionately.  
          “See?” he boasted to Heero, “Like I said, it doesn’t take much to control someone. Isn’t he beautiful? For all of his screaming and pleading, I can tell him to do anything, and he will. I can even tell him to suck you off and ride you and he will! So much for your precious _honor_! You might as well have fucked him.”  
          “You’re sick,” Heero choked out, crying all over again. The thought that Chris could make Duo do something like that made his heart hurt, it made him feel sick all over. Even if he died right now, in the most horrible way, even if Chris could make Duo have sex with him and that would be the last thing he did before he died, he would never want it that way. He could never have it that way. If this was truly the end of his life, the only thing that he really regretted was that he had never told Duo Maxwell that he loved him. Even that wasn’t much of a regret because he knew that Duo wasn’t ready to hear it. Still, dying, knowing that he had never gotten the chance to kiss the boy he loved the way he wanted to, the right way. How could he ever want anything less than that? How could he see this… this situation… as anything more than disgusting? He wouldn’t have had sex with Duo prior to this, even knowing then what he knew now, he couldn’t have, and he couldn’t do it now. If Chris gave him that option, to have sex with Duo, to save their lives, would he do it? He honestly didn’t know, all he could see, all he could think about, was the happy, affectionate expression Duo had given him in the museum and in the pool that night, and his dull, dead-eyed look now and how he would do anything to get his Duo back, to rewind the clock and go back to the way things had been yesterday.   
   
  
            
          He was back in the dark place again. He supposed that he had always known, somewhere deep inside, that he was going back there at some point. It was almost exactly the same as before. He couldn’t move, couldn’t make his body do a damn thing that he wanted it to do. He could feel things, he could see and think, but he couldn’t move. It made things so much worse. Now that what little ability he had to fight back had been stolen from him, Duo could feel, very intensely, all the things that he had tried to not feel. There were no distractions as he was locked away from his body, yet could feel all the things that were wrong with it. He could feel the exhaustion that was overwhelming his body from both physical and emotional strain, he could feel the pain in the lower half of his body and the cooling blood on his skin. He could even feel where Chris had stabbed the needle in and how his neck and skull seemed to throb in sync with each other. Something in his lower back was pulsing in pain from Chris’ overzealous abuse.   
          Chris had untied him. That was the final blow to his pride. He knew from experience that the chains would no longer matter, but there was something about knowing that his body was free, even if he couldn’t move it, that was so humiliating. He wondered what Heero made of all this, if he blamed him for being unable to free himself, or if he just pitied him. He didn’t know what would be worse. He could feel his heart racing and knew it had little to do with the drug. There was some sort of white wash going on in his mind and he was struggling to keep the barrier between the past and this present clear and solid. He now knew without a doubt that if Wes showed up, something terrible would happen to his mind. He saw and felt Chris cup his cheek with his hand, but couldn’t even flinch in reflex, couldn’t close his eyes to find some refuge in being unable to see.   
          “Clean me off with your tongue,” he heard Chris order him. His body didn’t so much as hesitate to follow through and he placed his hands on the man’s clothed thighs, leaning forward to lap at his impressive erection. Duo felt almost violently ill at the taste of his own blood mixed with Chris’ pre-cum, but felt himself swallow it anyway. He watched as his disconnected self swallowed his rapist completely and heard Chris moaning deeply, he felt his own tongue caressing the length and his throat working to suck him off.   
          “Enough,” Chris barked, “Ride me.”  
          Heero watched in fury as Duo did just as Chris ordered him to, climbing into the larger man’s lap and penetrating himself. He watched as a small bit of blood dripped out of him again, but Duo didn’t even flinch. Duo was doing everything that Chris told him to do, but there was a mechanical quality to his movements. Duo normally moved quite gracefully, but he was acting like a marionette, like it was all just reflex. It was like watching a zombie have sex.   
          “See?” Chris boasted, his voice tinged with pleasure and near laughter, “I’m in control, here, not him. Duo has never had any free will, no matter what you think.”  
          Suddenly, Chris’ eyes screwed shut and he shoved Duo into the wall again, his body tightening as Duo’s movements became too much and he climaxed inside the boy. Duo felt, both distantly and intensely, the sensation of thick cum filling his body and the pain that the fluid, stinging into his wounds, gave him. He even felt the small pain of Chris slipping out of him and how the hot semen dripped out of his ass and onto the floor and the throb of his body as he slumped to the floor, dropping like a dead weight, but he still couldn’t move or do a thing. He knew from looking at the syringe that Chris hadn’t given him very much of the drug, but he also knew that he wouldn’t be moving for at least an hour. A fat lot of good that was going to do them in the next few minutes. He hated Chris more than anything at that moment, that he had robbed him of reacting at all to his death. He was sure that his survival instinct would kick in eventually, but he still wouldn’t be able to save himself, let alone Heero.   
          Chris panted heavily, cleaning himself off with one of the towels he had brought with him to clean up the mess he knew he was going to make, then zipped up his slacks again, but hesitated, still trying to catch his breath. Shit, but even strung out, the kid had known what he was doing, his body had moved perfectly. Again, he felt that slight remorse that he was going to have to kill him. It was inevitable. Duo knew too much about his and Wes’ operation, and he was even living with people that could cause them mountains of trouble if the truth ever got out.   
          “You won’t get away with this,” Heero whispered hoarsely, realizing that he had been screaming, but couldn’t remember when or how his throat had gotten so raw, “If you kill us, my Mom will find you. She’ll make your life a living hell before she kills you! She may not know you, but she knows about Wes and, eventually, she’ll find out who did this!”   
          Chris just chuckled, not at all intimidated with Heero’s threat. The kid wasn’t a coward, he would give him that, but the threats of a snot-nosed teenager were worthless to men like him.  
          “She isn’t the type of woman to settle for anything but the truth, right? She isn’t the sort of person who would just going around killing everyone she suspects hurt her family. Unless she finds, without a doubt, the person responsible, nothing else will satisfy her,” Chris grinned, “But you see, men like Wes and I are a lot different from your family. We don’t spend our wealth on frivolous shit, we spend it to cover our asses and keep the people who hate us wondering if it’s worth messing with us. Did it never occur to you that I would be able to cover my tracks? I have enough alibis and connections to keep your mother from ever thinking that it was me!”   
          Heero glowered at Chris. That had been his very last card, his mother’s power. He, himself, was powerless and Chris knew it. Duo had insinuated in the sort of things that Wes was into and Heero had realized the sort of money and power that the man had, so he had never understood why the man settled for having a mere apartment, but what Chris was saying made him also realize that, with Wes’ activities, he had probably made a few enemies and he probably used his money to keep a tight control over the people that could hurt him, instead of on things that were expensive, but trivial. His heart pounded in his chest as Chris put a hand on Duo’s chest, pinning him to the wall and pressed the hunting knife back on his throat.   
          “It was fun,” Chris jeered, “But I have a plane to catch and I didn’t come all this way just to fuck.”  
          Heero’s eyes widened as the rest of him caught on to the fact that Chris was finally going to slit his friend’s throat. He had nothing else to stall with, nothing he could do or say to save Duo, to save himself. His stomach felt like it was going to crawl up his throat.   
          “Don’t,” he begged uselessly, “Please.”  
          Heero wanted to cry again at the look in Duo’s eyes. He was about to die, but there was no flicker in those beautiful violet eyes, no attempts at fighting back, even at a base, animalistic level. There was just nothing. Chris just ignored Heero’s pleas all together and dug the knife deeper into Duo’s neck, making the slash he had made earlier bleed even more.   
          The ringing of Chris’ cell phone in the silent room was so loud and sudden and unexpected that Heero thought for a moment that Chris had brought a gun and it had gone off. It made him jump, but Chris, fortunately, just tensed. With a feral growl, Chris grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and opened it with an angry expression. Despite himself, Heero felt himself relax just a tiny bit at the delay.  
          “What the fuck is it?!” Chris demanded. Heero would have paid big money to hear the other end of that conversation. He looked shakily at Duo who was still under the influence of the drug and bleeding anew. He realized that, even if some miracle happened and Chris spared their lives, if no one came around to free them and get the blood flow to stop, Duo was probably going to bleed to death.  
          “I’m busy,” Chris ground at tersely and Heero really did want to hear the other end of the conversation because the man suddenly paled and looked as scared as he and Duo had been this whole time.  
          “I understand,” he said coldly, “I’ll come right away.”  
          With that, Chris slammed the phone shut and gave Heero a heated look of contempt.   
          “It looks like Daddy came to save your sorry asses after all,” he sneered. Heero stared at him in shock, not understanding what was going on at all. It was almost as though Chris had been waiting for that exact phone call and Heero wanted to ask who it had been from, but he was scared about what was going to happen now. To his utter shock, Chris only wiped off his knife and put it away, starting to gather up all the things he had brought. Chris caught Heero’s relieved look and grinned at him.  
          “Don’t look so happy. I’m not allowed to kill you myself, or boss man will do a lot worse to me than what your mother would, but he didn’t say anything about letting you go,” he said cryptically. Chris looked down at Duo, who was still looking blankly at the floor.   
          “He should come to his senses in a half an hour,” he informed Heero, “But even if he does, the door will be locked from the outside and there’s no way in hell he’ll be strong enough to get it open,” Chris smirked, “He should last about five hours before his body loses too much blood to function, six if you’re lucky. I was going to be kind to the both of you and kill you quick. Now it looks like you’re going to have to starve to death. I’ll give you three to five days. There’s no way your goody-two-shoes mother is going to find you in this shit hole before then anyway,” he laughed darkly, “Good luck.”  
          “You asshole!” Heero screamed as Chris packed up the ammonia and towels, then left the room. He could hear the lock being done on the other side of the door and realized that Chris had been telling the truth. Any relief he had felt left him quickly. Duo was losing blood and he was still chained up. Chris hadn’t left the key, only their cell phones, but what good was that going to do? Even if there was service, they had no idea where they were, they only had the description of what the inside of the room looked like, and if someone didn’t come for them soon, Duo was going to die. At least he wouldn’t die under that hateful drug, Heero thought, but it was a small comfort. He thrashed against his bonds, trying at them again and again, but they stayed strong, just like always. They were just as trapped as they had been before! That phone call had only delayed their deaths for a few hours. And he still couldn’t reach Duo. At the very least, he could try to keep him warm and somewhat comfortable as he bled to death, but he couldn’t even do that!  
          Heero looked over at Duo again, but nothing had changed. Duo was still under the drug’s influence and despite Chris’ assurances that it would wear off soon, Heero didn’t feel at all comforted. He wasn’t a chemist or a pharmacist, he had absolutely no idea how the drug worked or what it would mean if it _didn’t_ wear off in that time period. In this situation, Heero couldn’t help but feel lonely. Duo couldn’t speak to him and it felt like he was the only one in the room, but he still had the responsibility of both of their safeties. He almost missed the way Duo had been before, even though all the sounds he had been making had been those of pain, at least there hadn’t been this terrible silence. Now, with that quiet and Duo’s nearly lifeless body, it was too easy to imagine that his friend had died. He would have surrendered the use of his arm just to be able to talk to Duo, to ask him if he was ok, what was injured and what he was feeling, if he could ever forgive him… He latched on, almost obsessively, to the sound of Duo’s breathing and the sight of his chest, rising and falling. Heero couldn’t bear to look at his eyes.  
          Duo looked terrible. The way he was sitting, slumped against the wall, was awkward. The position didn’t look painful, it was just no the way Duo would consciously sit. His back was a little too straight, his arms limp at his side, his legs stretched out straight in a pose that reminded Heero too much of a doll in a toy store, a pose that any human would grow restless with and would try to fold their arms, fidget their hands, bend their knees, but Duo was completely still. It seemed like a terrible insult that they couldn’t even hold each other as they died. It was hard enough for himself, but he certainly didn’t want Duo to die alone, so far away from him. He had had no idea that a few feet could be so… painful.  
          It came to Heero quite suddenly. Duo was still drugged up, which meant that, while he couldn’t move freely, he had to obey any verbal command he was given. He could order Duo to do _anything_ , and Duo would do it without hesitation, that fact had just been brutally proven to him, it didn’t matter if Duo didn’t want to do it or not. Heero shivered violently at the thought, but it was out of revulsion, not anticipation. Maybe, if he was like Chris, he might have ordered Duo to… do something to make Heero’s last moments with him pleasurable, but he was thinking of something completely different. He could order Duo to walk over to him, to make those annoying few feet keeping them from each other disappear.  
          Heero shook his head at himself. No! He could never do that! It didn’t matter if he just told Duo to tell him his name, he would never… use him that way. Heero understood that it wasn’t the sex that had repulsed him so much, though it certainly had, it was what the drug had done to his best friend and Chris’ readiness to turn Duo into a mindless slave. He couldn’t even consider doing that to Duo, even if it was for something good. It was… it was disgusting and he would never treat Duo that way. Also, he wasn’t sure if Duo _should_ stand up and walk. He didn’t know how damaged Duo was, and with the amount of smeared and pooled blood Duo was still sitting on, his body had to be damaged in some way.  
          Even expressionless, Duo looked so lost. He still was wearing his shirt at least, though a good deal of it was covered in blood. The slash on his neck was vivid on his pale skin, but from where Heero was sitting, it didn’t look all that deep. There were a lot of bruises, too, one on his cheek, very deep, nasty looking ones on his thighs and his wrists, along with bleeding cuts and scraped skin from all of Duo’s struggling in the metal cuffs. Heero was sure that his own wrists looked the same way. Heero could see all those wounds, but he couldn’t see the ones that really scared him, the ones that Chris had to have made when he was raping him.  
          With the amount of blood on the floor, Heero knew that Chris had hurt Duo internally, but he couldn’t know how much unless they got him to a doctor, someone who knew what the hell they were doing. But what was the point of worrying over it? Duo was going to be dead in a few hours. Sure, if they had a supply of morphine, Heero would have gladly made sure Duo was comfortable before he bled to death, but it didn’t matter what Duo’s injuries were, there was nothing he could do to help him. There was nothing he could do.  
  
End Part 10


	31. Surgery Part 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Duo badly injured and Heero still chained down, they must find a way to get help before it's too late. But even if they manage to survive, will their friendship?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 11  
  
  
    He couldn’t believe this! Of all the thing he had thought would happen, Wes calling Chris back to Maine and actually _ordering_ him not to kill him or Heero wasn’t even on the damn list! He had thought that Chris had come here on Wes’ orders, or at least at his benefit. Duo couldn’t figure out why Wes would do that, would spare their lives, unless he was so concerned with Name coming after him, but Chris had seemed so sure that no one would come after him for the murder, so why would Wes risk them living and telling the police? It didn’t make any damn sense! Not that it made much difference where he and Heero’s lives were concerned.  
          He could feel the cut on his neck, still burning and bleeding, though not quite as badly as it had been before, but almost an hour had already passed since Chris had left them to die, and only now was the bleeding starting to slow. If it stopped soon, he would probably live at least until he and Heero starved to death, though he already felt so weak and shaky. If it weren’t for his anemia, he could have survived it either way. The cut wasn’t very deep, but he was bleeding too much. The bleeding would stop on its own eventually, and, realistically, all he needed was some iron, bandages, and some food, but they had none of those things. He wanted to sleep, so very badly. He understood that it was because of the blood loss and that shock was trying to settle in. It would be so easy, to just succumb to it and sleep through his death. It was so hard, staying awake, with the pain and all his guilt screaming at him. Ironically, if he had been alone he wouldn’t have that guilt, but if he had been alone, it would have been easier to let himself fall asleep.  But Heero was still here and he had a much better chance at surviving.  
          If he could just stay awake until the drug wore off, he could get to the cell phones somehow. He had no idea where Chris had taken the two of them, or how long they had been missing. He was sure that their friends wouldn’t be able to find them on their own, but at the very least he could tell Name what had happened, he could tell her who she needed to blame, himself and Chris. Maybe, there was something in the truth, something that he wasn’t seeing, that would eventually lead her to Heero. If he could just die believing that… that he could fix things, that he could throw away the shame of Heero seeing his rape, that he could redeem himself of putting Heero in danger in the first place by saving Heero, or soothe Name’s fears by giving her a body to bury instead of wondering… Still, he was sure that someone like Name would find Heero in time, and Heero was just as stubborn, he would cling to life no matter what.  
          Suddenly, Duo’s leg jerked, almost in a spasm, and Duo nearly cried out in joy. Heero saw the movement, too, and sat up straight, watching his friend more intently than every.  
          “Duo?” he murmured, his voice loud in the silent room. Duo ignored him for the moment, using every ounce of his concentration to move his limbs. It was like when muscles fell asleep, you could move, but the pins and needles made every move uncomfortable, awkward, and slow. It was always hard for him at first, but just knowing that he could move, even if it was very slowly, gave him enough optimism to try strenuously at the rest of himself. Back when Wes had used KL6 on him last time, he had been on the brink of losing his mind and had spent the times that he wasn’t being raped sleeping in a shocked state, so he hadn’t had to go through this before. So, when he managed to get both legs bent and all of his fingers flexing on his own, though sluggishly, he wanted to punch the air in triumph. However, getting to his feet was something completely different and he didn’t relish the sort of effort it was going to take. His lower body was already in pain and he hadn’t moved yet. He quickly realized that there were only a few ways he was going to manage this, and it would have to be done in one try because his body wouldn’t be able to try again if he screwed up. Duo truly realized how messed up his body was when he tried to get out of his sitting position, one that would make the attempt to stand nearly impossible, by lurching forward and falling on his knees, only to have a terrible pain shoot up his back.  
          He managed to keep Heero from seeing his pained expression, but that was the only consolation. He needed to get to his feet, grab the cell phones, and, somehow, make it over to Heero without hurting himself too much. If he could get Heero’s shackles off of him, his chances of escaping would multiply. Chris might have locked the door, and Duo was definitely too weak to bust it open, but Heero could manage. If he could get a scrap of metal out of one of their cell phones, he might be able to pick Heero’s bonds and free him, depending on the type of cuffs. If not, he would have to get over to Heero anyway. Duo knew he wasn’t going to last for very much longer, but if he could get one of the phones to Heero, dial his mother’s number, and put it on speaker, Heero could talk to her where Duo wouldn’t be able to. But, all those things were faded and dull compared to his need to be near Heero before he blacked out for good. He had fucked up royally. He had allowed his old life to hurt Heero, had let Heero see him at his very lowest, most disgusting point, and if he didn’t fix all of this, Heero was going to die. But he _would_ fix this, somehow.   
          Maybe it was that blurred line between his past and his present that allowed Duo to keep going even when he really just wanted to lie back down, curl up into a tiny ball reminiscent of when he had been living on the streets during bitter winters, maybe it was his love for Heero, maybe it was even the terrible guilt that felt like it was eating him from the inside out, he couldn’t tell, but he somehow managed to find the strength to take a really scary upward lurch until his feet were flat on the floor and he stumbled forward a few steps.  
          Heero watched in shock as Duo got to his feet, only to give out a gasping, pained sound that almost sounded like a sob. He realized the sort of pain his friend had to be in when fresh blood literally poured down his legs. The back of his white shirt was stained red already and his thighs seemed to be drenched in the stuff, but Heero could still see the new streams that pooled on the wood floor. Duo’s braid… his beautiful braid was drenched in blood from where it had been pooled on the floor. Duo’s face was paper white and if it weren’t for the stubborn fire burning in his beautiful violet eyes, the spark of life that Heero had fallen in love with and had missed terribly when he had been drugged, Heero would have thought he was going into shock and on the verge of fainting.   
          “Duo, don’t!” he cried, realizing that his friend was actually planning on walking towards the cell phones. He was in too much pain and Heero knew, he knew a bit too much, that there was something wrong with Duo’s insides with the slanted, almost collapsing, way he held himself, as though it was taking every ounce of his limited energy just to stay on his feet. Besides, what good would it do? He didn’t want Duo to be in anymore pain, but the boy seemed to be completely ignoring him as he took a few scary-looking, awkward, pained steps towards the table where their cell phones were.  
          “Duo, dammit, stop walking!” he yelled at him. This was not what he wanted to be doing, getting angry with his friend, but he was, he couldn’t stand that Duo was putting himself in that sort of agony for something that wouldn’t help them at all.   
          Duo would have growled at Heero if the white wash in his head hadn’t grown so large, it threatened to swallow him whole. He had no doubt in his mind now that Chris had hurt him, badly. When he had stood, he had felt something inside tear a little bit more and now he was bleeding again. Every movement felt like utter agony and he realized that his body was starting to go into shock with the pain, but he couldn’t stop. He wouldn’t let himself to stop. When he got to the table and his hand fell on his cell phone, Duo had a frightening moment when joy and relief filled him and, for a second, his body had almost given in at the completion of the small task. It was only the realization that he had managed to get one of his missions done and that, if he fell now, there was no way in hell he was getting back up, that kept him standing. He scooped up both cell phones in his hand, his stomach dropping at the thought of scuffling over to where Heero was tied to the bed leg, and the fact that Chris had only left the cell phones on the table. Inside his head, he cursed the man to Hell and back for being so meticulous he hadn’t even left them a towel so he could try to stop the bleeding.   
          But it didn’t matter, he told himself. His entire existence had narrowed down to one thing, like the light at the end of the tunnel, or a speck of blue in a sandstorm: he had to get to Heero. Beyond that, any other higher thought process was impossible. He was fading away and he knew that, but with the pain he was in, and his body’s growing weakness, it seemed impossible just to focus on that alone. It was only a few feet away, but by the time he managed to get to the bed, it had felt like he had run ten miles with weights on. He barely made it at all. As soon as his body realized he was close to Heero, all the strength left him. He cried out, feeling as though his strings had been caught, as his legs folded underneath him and he fell to the floor, mere inches away from Heero’s legs. His only consolation for the swan dive was that he was graceful enough to angle his body so that he fell on his side instead of his hands or his head.   
          “Duo!” Heero screamed as he watched him fall, terrified that his best friend had finally done more than he could handle, but in his near-dead heap, Duo lifted up his head and with a determined look that Heero had only seen in war movies, the longhaired boy used his elbows to inch forward, giving one last lurch to land head and shoulders into Heero’s lap. Heero reflexively folded his feet to give Duo more comfort than the hard wood floor. The boy was shaking so hard, it was like he was having a seizure, but he didn’t fall unconscious or throw up. In that moment, seeing Duo cling to consciousness by his fingernails, refusing to let his exhaustion and pain let him fall asleep by sheer force of will, Heero felt his heart clench with a blissful heat and he fell in love with Duo all over again. He had heard the expression, but had never put much stock in it. Still, looking at Duo’s stubborn, brave expression as he tried to regain control over his shaking body, he felt exactly that way. Duo was amazing… that was all he could think. He was on the verge of some sort of emotional and physical breakdown, but he was still fighting where so many would have given up.   
          “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Duo gasped, his face pressed into Heero’s pants. It was the first time he could confess his guilt. If this was as far as he got, if he died and couldn’t free Heero, he wanted him to know how sorry he was for this fucked up situation.   
          “Baka!” Heero snapped, his panic over the sound of Duo’s voice making him revert to Japanese. He seldom ever did it, but it rolled out of him now like it was the most natural thing in the world. Heero took a deep breath, trying to reign in his overwhelming feelings. It didn’t matter, Duo was here, with him. His heavy warmth in his lap was so _real_ , and that was all that mattered.  
          “Just take a deep breath,” he soothed, wishing in frustration that his hands were free so he could caress Duo’s hair in the way that always seemed to relax the both of them. Duo shook his head frantically.  
          “G-give me a m-m-minute,” he took several shallow breaths, trying to will the pain and the tremors away as best he could. This was going to be pointless if he couldn’t even get a grip! He needed steady hands if he was going to free Heero and use the cell phone, but his body was at its very limits and he didn’t dare so much as close as his eyes.   
          “I’ll give you a damn hour if it makes you feel better,” Heero growled. His eyes widened in alarm as Duo started to cry.  
          Hearing Heero’s voice, feeling his leg under his cheek, it was Duo’s undoing. To think, he had almost died without feeling this one more time… it was worth the pain he was feeling right now, more than worth it.  
          “It’s alright,” Heero said in a soft voice, “It’s going to be ok.”  
          The words came floating out of him automatically, even as Heero cursed himself for making even more false promises, but it seemed to work. Duo’s muscles relaxed enough for him to reach around Heero and feel at the cuffs binding him.  
          “Fuck!” Duo cried out as his fingers examined the lock. He pressed his face against Heero’s stomach, trying to hide his tears as frustration made them flow easily.   
          “What’s wrong?” Heero asked warily. Had Duo hurt himself more?  
          “I can’t… I can’t get it…” Duo gasped out, too weak to even lash out in hopelessness, “I mean… I can… Dammit, if I was stronger, I could..!”  
          “Deep breaths,” Heero reminded him gently, realizing that Duo was on the verge of a panic attack, “What’s wrong?”  
          “Your cuffs,” Duo choked out, his heart pounding in his chest in an insane rhythm, “I thought I could pick them if I took apart one of the cell phones. I _can_ , but I need a good deal of force to open them and I… I can’t… I’m too weak…” Duo thought he would die of shame admitting that. He knew the lock mechanism, living with Wes, he was familiar with all sorts of locks, but he needed a downward force to undo the lock, and he was too weak and the angle he was lying at was all wrong…  
          “It’s ok,” Heero repeated, “You tried. Can you get at the cell phones?” Heero worried that Duo might be so bad off, he couldn’t even flip them open, but Duo nodded and opened his own cell phone, turning it on, making the both of them suffer with the overly cheery tone that the phone made every time it was switched on. He bit back a sob as he read the screen.  
          “There’s no service,” he said in a devastated tone. Heero felt like crying himself at that fact. The phone fell from Duo’s shaking fingers and he collapsed completely into Heero’s lap.  
          “Oh, God…” he choked, his body starting to shake a little more at the strain, “Heero… I can’t… I’m so tired…”  
          There was nothing he could do, he realized. His body realized that, too, and seemed to be demanding him to just give up. Heero’s body heat was just so comfortable with the sudden terrible chill he felt. If he imagined, he could feel Heero’s hands on him too easily.  
          “Ssh,” Heero comforted, “Go to sleep, Duo. I’ll wake you up every thirty minutes until…” he choked on what he couldn’t say.   
          He watched as Duo finally fell asleep, too tired to try any other half-baked plan either of them could come up with and Heero was glad. He couldn’t stand watching him struggle anymore. He just hoped that he _could_ wake him when the time came. He realized that he had no way of telling the time, but decided to just guess at it. He bent forward as much his back let him, lying to himself that he was holding his love in his arms, and he waited for a miracle that he knew would never come in the cold and silent room.  
  
  
  
    Heero woke Duo up twice, but it was impossible to tell the time in the windowless room and after a few minutes, Duo’s phone screen went black in screen saver mode, so he couldn’t use that to tell the time, either. Duo slept like a death weight in his lap, not even twitching at the awkward position like he would if he was sleeping normally. Heero knew that he hadn’t settled into a nap so much as he had blacked out. Heero could feel Duo’s blood from his anal injuries soaking into his jeans. The first time he had woken Duo up, the blood had still felt warm and slick as it soaked through his pants and onto his leg, but the second time he had woken him, it had felt cold as it started to dry, turning his jean leg stiff and feeling strange on his skin. He didn’t know which had felt worst, feeling hot slick liquid and knowing that it meant that Duo was still bleeding, or the cold blood that felt too much like the life, the heat, was leaving Duo.  
          Each time, it had gotten harder to rouse Duo and that scared him. It was terrifying, trying to force him awake with his raw voice, constantly wondering if Duo would wake up this time or if he was so far gone that mere words couldn’t bring him back. He didn’t dare use his legs to shift him, afraid that he would hurt Duo or he would fall off his lap and wouldn’t be able to pull himself back into that position. His heart would pound, his thoughts would race, as he called Duo’s name as loudly as his sore throat would allow, begging him back to the waking world and almost positive that Duo had died, since he couldn’t feel his breath through his clothes and couldn’t see his chest move with how he was curled up. But then Duo would open his eyes, the violet brilliant and beautiful in the dull room, like seeing a blooming iris among a gravel path. Their eyes would meet and Duo would choke out some reassuring words through the pain. The first time Heero had awoken him, Duo had managed to stay awake for several minutes, asking Heero how _he_ was doing and if he felt as cold as Duo did, or if it was just him. Heero hadn’t had the heart to tell him that it wasn’t that cold and it wasn’t the room’s temperature that was making Duo shake like that, but Heero was sure that Duo knew that. The second time he had woken him, Duo had only staid awake for a few seconds, though Heero didn’t know if his diminishing stamina was from exhaustion or bloodless. He was scared to try a third time, scared to find out how much strength Duo had left, if any. He was scared to not try, if his yelling him awake was the only thing keeping Duo alive.  
          Heero was hungry and thirsty, though he didn’t know which need was worse. His empty stomach gnawed at him, it actually ached, but his throat hurt from yelling and his mouth felt like he had swallowed sand. He remembered the coffee that he had had before they had been taken like a sort of heavenly dream and how Duo had declined to buy anything from the coffee shop, willing to wait for the soda they would have with their pizza, though thinking of things like drinks and food seemed borderline between hellish and wonderful. If Heero was feeling this thirsty, he was worried to think about how dehydrated Duo was. That was why Duo didn’t even have the energy to move, he realized. He had stopped bleeding awhile ago, which was a huge relief for Heero, but he had no sugar in his blood and with no food and water, or some source of iron, Duo’s body wasn’t recovering from the blood loss like it should. As hungry as he was, if Heero had any food at that moment, he would have happily given it to Duo.  
          Heero felt his eyelids start to drop and shook his head violently, struggling to stay awake. He wanted to scream in frustration as he realized he had lost count again. Since he didn’t know what time it was, he had started counting to 2,400 before waking Duo up. His analytical mind had summed up that this was a good plan and the only real way to have some sort of idea of the time, but he found himself continuously screwing up his counting. That same analytical part of him told him that his hunger and dehydration were making him sleepy and he needed to eat something, because all the sleep in the world wasn’t going to make him feel better. That wasn’t acceptable and how drowsy he felt scared him. He couldn’t even get up and pace to keep awake. Duo was relying on him to be the strong one now, he had to stay awake to keep Duo alive, but he was so tired, his body’s hunger for things that he could not provide it making him want to shut down and hide from it, just for a little while…  
          Heero caught his eyes trying to shut again and in frustration, he banged his head against the metal frame of the bed. A terrible pain flared red hot in his skull and he cursed loudly. He had no idea what Chris had done to him, but it felt like his skull was cracked or bruised or something. He made a mental note not to hit his head against anything anymore, even if it was the only part of his body he could move freely. He didn’t even have the energy to feel bad at how worried his mother and his friends probably were at this point. He was sure that one of them had called his mother as soon as they had realized that they were missing. Heero settled his head against the frame, very gently, and closed his eyes, too exhausted to bother to fight them open anymore. His head was throbbing unpleasantly, he just needed to give his vision a rest, then his head would feel better. He started to count again, focusing on only the numbers and how still and heavy Duo felt as he slept on his legs, crotch, and stomach. The room was silent as a tomb compared to all the screaming he had done when Chris had been there. That thought made Heero laugh. The sound was strange and crazy, even to Heero. It didn’t wake Duo up. Yes, he supposed that the room was a tomb, or it would be soon. He just wished that his throat didn’t hurt so much. What was driving him insane was that he couldn’t talk to Duo, couldn’t fill the room with some sort of sound, couldn’t voice all the things that he wanted to say to his friend. He wished that he could touch his silken hair one last time. He wished that he could hear him laugh one, just once more. But all he could do was sit on the cold floor and count the seconds away as both his stomach and his heart yearned…  
…  
….  
…..  
   
… Heero jolted awake, nearly throwing Duo out of his lap, at the thunderous sound of something slamming against the walls of the room.  
          ‘No,’ he realized in half shock, half sleep, ‘not the walls, the door.’   
          Sure enough, the slamming sound came again and Heero clearly saw the door shake, the old wood not standing a chance against whatever was trying to get in. He should have been ecstatic that someone was trying to get into the room, he should have wanted to scream out for help, but he staid silent. His mind was fogged with involuntary sleep, the prospect of getting rescued such a dream at this point that he couldn’t trust it. What if he was dreaming? What if whatever was trying to break through the door wasn’t something that was coming to rescue them, but to finish the job that Chris had started? Each crashing bang woke him up more and more and his body tensed. He realized that the likelihood of it being someone to kill them was tiny. Chris had acted like he was the only one on his fucked up little mission, and if it was Chris, he had the key for the door. But the likelihood that it was one of their friends or family was even less. Heero had given up on the hope that they would be saved hours ago, at the very least. He just couldn’t think of how their friends would be able to find them, even if their phones worked. Worst of all, he was still completely helpless and, even with all of the racket, Duo hadn’t roused. It terrified him that Duo was so far gone, the loud noise didn’t make him stir. He had no hope of doing it with his own voice if that was the case.   
          Though Heero, like most sane people, didn’t want to die, he had to admit that dying with Duo Maxwell in his lap was way up there on his list of ways to go. Of course, having Duo die, too, would never be part of that, but at this point, he would take what he would get. But what if whoever was trying to break through the door was going to take that away from him? It had been such a huge relief, after all those moments mourning that he and Duo were going to die away from each other, to have his best friend so close to him.  
          After what seemed like an eternity to Heero, Duo started to wake, just as he heard the door’s lock break and it slammed open. Heero watched with wide eyes as a tall man all but ran into the room, looking as though he was running into a battlefield. For one scary moment, Heero caught the flash of frantic green eyes and thought that it really was Chris, but his fuzzy brain engaged as he realized that this man was too young, and slim instead of muscular. Besides, he recognized him personally.  
          “Trowa,” he breathed out roughly, unable to believe what he was seeing. He had to be dreaming, there was no way this could be happening. What was more, Quatre and Wufei were following the taller boy into the room, both looking like they were about to keel over in the mix of shock and relief that Heero was also feeling. No, he had to be still asleep, all that was missing was his mother.  
          “Oh, thank God,” Trowa gasped out in the same breathy tone as Heero, taking in the sight of his two friends like a thirsty man would look at a glass of water. Wufei stayed by the door, his dark eyes flitting back and forth from the broken door to the puddle and smears of blood and semen by the wall to Heero and Duo, looking sickened, relieved, and shocked, all at the same time. Quatre looked the same way, though his eyes were fixed on his friends. The room stank of things Quatre didn’t even want to think about, but that didn’t matter right now. All that mattered was that Heero and Duo were found and they had to get them out of this rat hole. The rest they could take care of later, when they were all safe. They still didn’t know who had done this or if they were coming back. Quatre knew that he would feel much better when they got Heero and Duo to the hospital so a doctor could tell them that they would be five. But all that blood… it made his heart pound to think that they had come too late.  
          The slamming of the door had been muted for Duo as he existed in between sleep and reality. He had heard the noise quite clearly, clearly enough that it had almost completely woken him up, but it hadn’t connected with his consciousness what was happening around him until he had heard the loud sound of the lock breaking on the old door. Still, he was so tired and it was hard finding reasons to open his eyes and be aware when he was in so much pain. It was the breathy whisper he heard from Heero that piqued his curiosity and he opened his eyes, meeting familiar emeralds. The breath went out of him quickly, as though someone had punched him in the gut. Relief filled him, replacing his surrendering hopelessness, making him feel slightly ill and wide awake. He wanted to cry at the feeling, knowing that they were probably going to survive. At the very least, Heero would live and that was all that mattered to him.  
          Trowa had run into the room so quickly, he hadn’t seen the bloody mess on the floor that Quatre and Wufei had, but Duo’s state told him enough. Both Heero and Duo looked pale and terrible, Duo covered in blood that made Trowa almost fly into a panic. The smell of the room and the blood on Duo’s legs told him enough about what had happened. If he didn’t feel so shocked and sickened, he would have punched the wall. Instead, he fell to his knees in front of his friends. Duo was looking up at him, too weak to get up on his own. Trowa, as gently as he could, untangled Duo from Heero and pulled him into his own arms and lap, keeping an eye out for any fresh blood, but its absence didn’t make him feel any better.  
          “No!” Heero protested once his muddled mind realized that Duo was being taken from him and pulled at his bonds, trying uselessly to get him back. Trowa and Wufei saw the move, but Trowa was too preoccupied with looking over Duo to help. Wufei finally found the courage to insert himself in the situation and went to Heero’s aid, putting a hand on his shoulder to try to keep him still unless he hurt himself on the metal.  
          “Heero, it’s ok,” he tried to soothe, though he knew that he was terrible at it, “Let Trowa help him!”   
          The fight left Heero at the mention of his best friend, settling down at the thought of Duo getting help and the feel of Duo’s bare foot against his own, even as Trowa had separated them.   
          “Please, help him!” he begged. Wufei nodded.  
          “Trowa will. Quatre will get a bolt cutter, somehow, and we’ll get you free,” Wufei promised. Heero shook his head.  
          “Duo said he could get them off with a bit of metal, but he was too weak,” he choked out. Wufei looked over to where Duo was cradled in Trowa’s arms, Trowa tucking one arm against Duo’s back so he was sitting up without any pain or strain. Seeing the shape that the longhaired boy was in, Wufei felt sick all over again.   
          “You have to get me out of these,” Heero said, panicked, “Duo needs me!”  
          “Stay still!” Quatre scolded, coming over to help Wufei with Heero’s bounds, “Trowa is taking care of it and breaking your wrists won’t help anyone!”  
          “Help Heero,” Wufei heard Duo plead to Trowa and would have snorted if it didn’t make feel so sad. Both boys were more worried about each other than themselves.   
          “It’s ok,” Trowa said gently, glad that Duo was too weak to try to get to Heero on his own, he wasn’t sure what his injuries were and didn’t want to risk fighting with him.  
          “Duo, tell me how to get his cuffs off,” Wufei urged. Duo looked over at his Chinese friend, concerned black eyes meeting his. Duo nodded shakily. He wanted Heero to get help. He remembered how terrified he had been when he had watched Heero fall into the gutter, his head bleeding, and knew how badly Heero wanted to be free of the chains, but mostly, he wanted one of their friends to tell him that he was going to be ok. He felt so helpless as his friends surrounded them, trying to help, yet he was too weak to do anything but watch. Then again, if he had been stronger, he would have been able to free Heero and break out of the room all on his own.  
          “You’ll need a straight piece of metal,” he told Wufei, grateful that his voice wasn’t as shaky as he felt.   
          “I think I have something like that,” Quatre contributed, perking up from his shocked silence as he realized that there was something that he could do to help. He dug into his knapsack, taking out the PDA he always carried with him and detaching the metal stylus.  
          “Will this do?” he asked Duo. Duo felt this strange little spark go through him at the realization that, even though he was physically incapacitated, his friends were still looking at him for his advice and knowledge, not out of disgust, though he was sure that that would change quite quickly once Heero was safe.   
          “Yes,” he said weakly, a faint tremor going down his back as he struggled to keep a grip on reality. Quatre watched with a pensive air as Duo walked Wufei through picking the locks, telling him the exact angles and force that he would need. Trowa’s respect for the younger boy grew by the second. He had an idea that this lock picking skill had come to Duo during his time on the streets and had probably been used illegally, but it was quite impressive. What was even more impressive was that he was able to give Wufei such a detailed, patient explanation when he was shaking in pain and on the edge of shock. Duo talked slowly, repeating the instructions when Wufei asked with patience, like he was an adult teaching a kid a valuable skill instead of an injured boy frantic to get out of the small room he had been trapped in for who knew how long.   
          Duo lied completely still as he felt Trowa ignore what was going on with Heero and start to search him for injuries. He wanted to tell Trowa to leave him be and concentrate on helping Heero, but realized that the tall boy wasn’t going to do as he asked. Heero was what mattered, but Trowa didn’t seem to understand that and Duo was too tired to do anything more than let Trowa examine him. Besides, Wufei was doing quite well for someone that had never picked a lock before. Duo fed him the rest of the instructions and fell silent, knowing that it would take at least another ten minutes to pick the lock. Heero seemed to squirm with every minute that passed without him being freed. Trowa’s long fingers were shockingly gentle compared to how Chris had touched him and Duo’s eyes slid shut, his pained expression melting away to one of bliss at the tender touches. Trowa thought that it was heartwarming, and breaking, at the same time and made sure to keep his touch light, even if he was positive that he wasn’t hurting Duo, just to keep that expression there, instead of one of pain and skittishness.   
          Trowa knew exactly what Duo was feeling as they huddled around them. He had felt it a hundred times before, back when he had been with his uncle. He had felt that way every single time he had left the house with his uncle and had passed people in the street, wondering if they knew, if they could see the filth on him and how the mere thought that a total stranger might know the terrible person that he was had made him feel so sick. Even after, when he had been in the hospital, that feeling of filth and shame wouldn’t leave him and he had wondered if his doctor and the nurses were disgusted with him. He knew that Duo was thinking the same thing now, of them. He was thinking that they were disgusted in him, hated him, that Heero was the only one worth saving. Trowa wanted to be angry with him for thinking that way, but he understood those feelings too well and he refused to let Duo feel that way. After what he had gone through, he deserved to have some peace of mind, to know that they still loved him and were more worried about him than Heero, both physically and mentally.  
          “How did you find us?” Heero asked, trying to keep his mind off how edgy he felt with the prospect of getting free and being, _finally_ , able to care for his best friend. Quatre kneeled down to be at eye level with Heero and the smug look in his blue-green eyes made Heero feel better than he had through this whole ordeal. He hadn’t realized what being bound had done to him, but now, surrounded by his friends, finally safe, he was nearly ready to throw a fit to move around, to stand, to _touch_ someone.  
          “Did you know that Duo’s phone has a GPS locator on it?” Quatre asked with an excited glint in his eye. Heero shook his head, his eyes wide.  
          “Well, your mother did,” his blonde friend told them, “she had paid for it and turned it on the second she got the phone for Duo, in case Wes ever decided to try something.”  
          Heero made a mental note to kiss his mother the second that he saw her. It was just like her to be so overprotective, she would keep a trace on Duo’s phone. Maybe sometime he would get pissed at her for keeping tabs on his friend like he was an animal in a reserve, but not today. Definitely not today.  
          “But we still had thought that we had lost you guys for good,” Quatre continued to explain, his tone less excited and more sober, “The system only works when the phone is on, and Duo’s was off for so long, we feared the worst. Then, Name suddenly got a signal a few hours ago. It took us this long to find you because you were all the way down in Cambridge and there was all this traffic…” Quatre continued to ramble on. Trowa felt Duo’s back stiffen against his arm.  
          Both Heero and Duo realized what had happened. Duo felt a little thrill of happiness, realizing that, in the end, he hadn’t been completely useless. In a roundabout way, he had saved Heero. If he hadn’t turned on his cell phone, their friends never would have found them. That he felt so happy about such a small thing made him feel pathetic, though. He shouldn’t feel this happy, he told himself, besides that one act, he _had_ been completely useless. He should have done so much more to help Heero. Hell, Heero never should have gone through this in the first place. It was his own damn fault that Heero had ended up in danger, so he had no right to be happy about having a role in getting him out of it. He didn’t notice the sad, annoyed look Trowa was giving him as the tall boy caught his own fallen, guilty expression.   
          “Yes!” Wufei suddenly cheered as he heard the loud click of the lock in the cuffs giving way. Heero felt the metal loosening and, in a sort of insane, giddy triumph, he nearly ripped his wrists out of the cuffs, stumbling to his feet with no grace at all. Sitting down for such a length of time had taken its toll on Heero’s body. It had taken all of his strength just to get to his feet and he had had no idea how weak he was. How was he supposed to help Duo when he barely had the strength to walk? Things got progressively worse as he got his feet under him and he swayed, struggling to stay upright. His back ached and his headache reawakened, pounding in his skull and making his brain feel like it was dissolving into his ears. The worst were the pins and needles that attacked his legs and arms, making them tremble and he felt like squirming with the awkward, painful feeling.  
          “Heero, wait a minute!” Quatre snapped, standing up just as quickly to grab at Heero’s arm in case he fell back down.  
          “I’m fine!” Heero snarled at him.  
          “Heero, you and Duo have been missing for twenty-four hours, and if you’ve been chained up for that long…” Quatre tried to reason with Heero, but Heero ignored him to kneel in front of Duo, who was watching Heero in relief that he seemed to be ok.  
          “Duo…” Heero breathed, wanting to cry as he finally got a good look at the longhaired boy. Duo still looked like he was on death’s door, though there was a solidity in his eyes that made Heero want to believe he was going to pull through. But he still looked… hell, he looked a bit like a banged up rag doll and it was tearing Heero up inside knowing he hadn’t been able to be the friend, the protector, that Duo had needed. Heero put a hand on Duo’s shoulder, reveling in the feeling of him, real and still alive. It was the sweetest feeling he could feel after, what had Quatre said? After twenty-four hours of hell, Heero could finally touch Duo.  
          Duo felt Heero’s hand, gentle and almost affectionate, on him, the deep seated part of himself that loved Heero so completely, he knew he could never get it out of him, that part of himself that sometimes thought he needed Heero just to breath, warming and blossoming at the physical contact he had been yearning for, for so many hours. The rest of Duo, however, violently flinched away from his best friend.  
          Heero pulled his hand away as though he had suffered a terrible, electrical shock. Their friends looked at them with wide, shocked eyes, Heero just staring at Duo with a hurt, confused expression. Quatre and Wufei couldn’t understand what had just happened. Duo _never_ flinched from Heero. He flinched from everyone, even from Name, but never Heero. Seeing him do it now, so vehemently, seemed devastating, even for them, let alone Heero. Trowa looked at Duo, who looked ashamed, yet resolute at the flinch, with a broken expression, realizing what was going through Duo’s head. As much as Trowa didn’t want that to happen between the two best friends, he couldn’t think of a single thing to do to stop it. Heero took the decision out of his hands, however. His deep blue eyes hardened and he stood up once again, distancing himself both physically and emotionally from Duo. Duo looked like he was going to cry, like he wanted to reach out for Heero at the same time that he didn’t dare. The look was heartbreaking enough that Trowa wanted to scream at both of them in frustration. Quatre looked at him worriedly, but Trowa shook his head. No amount of meddling on Quatre’s part was going to fix this.  
          “We need to call an ambulance,” Heero told Quatre, refusing to look down at Duo. His heart felt like it had been stabbed over and over by something rusty and sharp. Every instinct was screaming at him to comfort Duo, to protect him as he had been doing ever since he had driven him to the hospital what seemed like a lifetime ago, but Duo didn’t want him to touch him. Duo didn’t want anything to do with him. Frustration and desperation bubbled inside of him and he wanted to rip his own heart out. He wanted to be angry at Duo for putting such an impenetrable wall between them when he needed Duo so badly, but he didn’t have it in him. It wasn’t Duo’s fault that he hadn’t been able to stop him from getting raped. Heero deserved all the bitterness and hatred that Duo could dish out. He swayed on his feet, feeling weaker than ever and Heero wasn’t sure if it was the heartache, or his physical hunger.   
          “I can get a signal in the hallway,” Quatre told him, already digging into his pockets for his cell phone.  
          “No!” Duo protested, struggling to sit up even as Trowa tried to keep him still.  
          “Duo,” Quatre said softly, his voice tinged with panic at the ordeal of having to reason with Duo’s stubbornness when he was this injured, “You’re hurt and we don’t know how badly. Heero’s right, we have to take you to a hospital.”  
          Duo shook his head, his face white as a sheet and his eyes wide with the thought of going through that whole process, of having to go to the hospital again and deal with needles and tests and doctors…  
          “No,” he pleaded, his small voice making even Quatre doubt calling for medical help, “I’m used to this, I can deal with the pain. I’m not bleeding anymore, I’m just tired and hungry, but I can deal with it.”  
          Trowa chewed on his bottom lip, keeping his arm at Duo’s back. That Duo was still awake and was actually arguing with them was a good sign, but he was still worried. He remembered what Heero had told him, back when Duo had still been in the hospital, and how hard it had been for the longhaired boy. He didn’t want to subject him to all that in his current state unless he really had to. What they needed was someone that Duo trusted that also knew at least a little bit about medicine to help with his injuries. Trowa sighed heavily, his eyes meeting with his boyfriend’s.  
          “Call Name,” he instructed, “Tell her what’s happened and where to pick us up.”  
          “Duo needs a hospital!” Heero snapped, angry and irritated at the situation, his pent up rage over the previous events spilling out. He wanted to hit something, to scream and yell, and he knew it had nothing to do with how tired he was.  
          “He’s in shock and a hospital is not going to help!” Trowa argued back, “We need to get him back home, where he’s safe.”  
          “He’s not well,” Heero argued, his voice more subdued. Where had his confidence gone? In the past, he had always been the one that had known what was best for his friend, but now Trowa had taken over that role and Heero floundered for that surety back.   
          “It’s not his body that I’m worried about,” Trowa pointed out. Any doubts he had fled when he looked down at Duo and saw the utter relief in his eyes and felt how his body relaxed. Duo needed food and water and medical supplies, but more than that, he needed to believe that he was safe and taken care of. A hospital would only stress him out and bring on a panic attack, something that Duo wouldn’t be able to handle right now. Heero clenched his fists as he saw how Duo seemed to search for Trowa’s attention, how he relaxed in his arms. Hate bubbled in his heart. He wanted to be the one that Duo looked to, but that was long dead. Duo would never look at him that way again, not after how badly he had fucked up.  
          “Will you let me help you?” Trowa asked Duo softly. Duo fleetingly looked at the others, then back at Trowa, and nodded. A silent message went between them, one that Heero didn’t understand at all and it only made him angrier. There was a small part of him that told him that this was wrong, if Trowa could help Duo, then he should let him, Trowa was his friend, so he shouldn’t feel jealous towards him, but that maddening anger that seemed to be swallowing every other emotion, every part of what made him, _him_ , wouldn’t let him let it go. Quatre recognized what was going on. Duo didn’t want any of them to know what had happened, to take care of him when Duo thought what had happened was so shameful, but he trusted Trowa, because Trowa had been here before. He realized what Trowa had tried to explain before, about his promises meaning more to Duo than the others.   
          “You’re not a doctor!” Heero growled low in his throat. Duo looked at him in alarm and a bit of anger ebbed away at the brief contact.  
          “No,” Trowa said slowly, as though he were talking down an agitated dog, “But I did help out with animals in the circus when they were sick, which makes me more of a doctor than anyone else here, and if Duo will let me look at him, it’s better than a hospital.”  
          Quatre nodded in understanding and dug through the knapsack he had brought for a bottle of water and a couple of slices of pizza in the take out containers they had brought. Wufei cautiously approached Heero, who looked as though he was about to do something violent. Quatre knelt down in front of Duo, looking him in the eye.  
          “Are you sure about this?” he asked, examining how pale Duo was and how he shook a little with pain. Duo nodded.  
          “I just want to go home,” he said quietly, as though he was ashamed to say it. Quatre smiled and kissed Duo’s cheek.  
          “Then we’ll take you home,” he promised. Duo shot him a look, his eyes darting to Heero, silently begging for him to take care of their friend. Quatre leaned forward.  
          “Just let us take care of you, too,” he whispered in Duo’s ear.  
          “Come on, Heero, the sooner Trowa looks at Duo, the sooner we can take the both of you home,” Wufei soothed. Heero didn’t relax, his expression merely turned from pissed to sad as he caught Duo’s eye again. The room filled with a frightening sort of calm that made a shiver go down Quatre’s spine.  
          “I’m sorry,” Heero whispered, his voice nearly cracking with emotion. Duo stared at him in shock, watching as the blue eyed boy turned and left the room with Quatre and Wufei hurrying after him. Trowa only let out a relieved breath when Wufei closed the door behind them, allowing them some sort of privacy.   
   
  
   
          He hadn’t meant to do it. Well, maybe he had. He didn’t know. All he did know was that he would do anything to get that look of fury and betrayal and helplessness out of Heero’s eyes. No, Duo didn’t think that he had meant to flinch away from his best friend. So why had he done it? It had just been so automatic. It wasn’t the flinch he usually gave when he thought he was in danger, when someone was touching him and he felt cornered, but he didn’t think that Heero had realized that. He had flinched because he had been scared of Heero touching him. He hadn’t been scared of _Heero_ , no matter what Heero did, he would never be afraid of him, but he had been afraid of what he would do if Heero touched him.  
          He didn’t deserve him. Heero didn’t deserve to touch him, to… dirty himself by touching him, especially with Chris’ stench still on him. He didn’t want that part of him that loved Heero so much to surrender to how good it would feel to curl up in Heero’s arms. He didn’t deserve that, didn’t deserve the comfort that Heero could provide. It would be a lie anyway, because Heero had to hate him now. Wasn’t that why he was so angry? Heero was so kind, still trying to help him, but the whole situation had driven them apart, had made Heero angry at him. He had told himself that, after Heero had found him again, he would never make him angry at him like that ever again, no matter the circumstances, but he had. He had destroyed their friendship and Heero’s trust in him. So, with that threat of Heero touching his dirty skin, he had flinched and probably had made Heero hate him even more.   
          Duo felt Trowa’s larger, stronger hands on him, helping him to his feet. Duo stumbled, feeling like a newborn deer, as Trowa guided him onto the bed. The softness under him felt instantly better than the hard floor, and the stable headboard and pillows at his back helped him to sit up better, but it was of little comfort to him. He hung his head forward and started to cry. It was almost shocking, the tears and the sorrow that filled him almost to the bone, that feeling that he had lost his best friend, but he couldn’t get it stopped, like it was just a force of nature. Trowa kept a hand on Duo’s shoulder, but didn’t tell him to stop crying or ask him what was wrong, he just let him cry. His thin shoulders hitched as he sobbed, heavy tears trailing down his cheeks and Trowa wanted to hold him, but knew that he wasn’t the one that Duo wanted to be held by. Just as quickly as the fit had started, it stopped, Duo’s defenses and pride bottling up his feelings as shame took hold.   
          “Feel better?” Trowa asked softly. Duo shook his head.  
          “No,” he murmured. Trowa gave him a moment, leaving his side to rummage in the duffle bag for the first aid kit. He found it instantly, but gave the illusion that he was having trouble locating it so Duo would have a few minutes to gain that mystical strength he seemed to possess in moments like these. Once Duo gave the impression that he had his emotions under control again, Trowa sat on the edge of the bed, the kit, some pizza, water, and a blanket in hand. Duo looked at the kit warily.  
          “Do we have to do this?” he asked, his voice made heavy with exhaustion and his eyes looked more like an old man’s than a teenagers. Trowa gave him a weak smile.  
          “You know I do. That’s the deal, Duo. I won’t take you to a hospital, but I have to make sure that you’re ok,” Trowa said. Duo looked away from him, onto the cream-colored sheets, embarrassment making him blush. Trowa sighed as he read the look easily, placing his larger hand on Duo’s thin one.  
          “I know this is hard,” he said in a kind voice, “But I’m not ashamed of you. There isn’t an injury that you could have that would make me feel less of you in any way. Do you understand? You’re my friend, so let me take care of you.”  
          Duo hesitated for several seconds, then cautiously looked over at Trowa and nodded. The last thing he wanted was for Trowa to give him an ‘exam’. He didn’t want Trowa to see the damage, to see how filthy he was, but if not Trowa, then who?  
          ‘Heero,’ his mind supplied, but he shook off the thought. He trusted Trowa. Trowa understood this, the physical part and the emotional. He had meant what he had said to Quatre, after all this, he just wanted to go home, he wanted to curl up in bed and cry in the privacy of his room, where no one could see his shame and how on the edge of falling apart he was. He had almost gotten Heero killed, had torn apart their friendship, and Heero had been forced to watch Chris fucking him. How much lower could he possibly get? If it was possible to die from overload of emotions, Duo was sure that he would have dropped dead at that very moment. But, if there was one thing he had always been good at, it was denying himself his feelings, and the things that he wanted most.   
          “If anything hurts, you have to tell me,” Trowa demanded, “I don’t care about you being brave or trying to ‘be a man’. If you’re hurting, you tell me, got it?”  
          Duo nodded. He didn’t think that he would have a problem with that. He felt so weak, so completely drained, he didn’t have the strength to hold in his pain very much anymore. Still, he closed his eyes as Trowa’s hand went to his neck, inspecting the slash. If he could fall asleep, he would have, because he certainly didn’t want to be awake for this embarrassment, but even as tired as he was, he also felt wide awake. He wondered if Name would hate him for this, too, for putting her son’s life in danger…  
          “Stop it,” Trowa scolded, pausing in his examination. Duo looked up at him in shock.  
          “No one thinks badly of you,” he assured him, “All we want is to see you better.”  
          Duo let his anxieties over Name be pushed down, where they lingered and ate at him, but he wouldn’t have to think about them. He didn’t know if Trowa was right or not, but he couldn’t deal with right now, it was too much. He would find out later, but Name wasn’t here right now.   
          “Will Heero be ok?” he asked shakily as Trowa’s fingers brushed over the cut. Trowa snorted.  
          “He’s the one who walked out of here under his own power,” he pointed out, “He’ll be fine.”  
          Duo relaxed a little at that. If Heero had had a concussion, Quatre would have told him, he was sure. He winced as Trowa dug into the cut a little.  
          “Sorry,” the taller boy apologized, “I’m just trying to see how well it’s healing, but it’s scabbed over pretty well already, so I think it will fine. We’ll have to keep an eye out for bleeding and infection for awhile.”   
          Duo stayed still as Trowa put antibiotic lotion on the wound and covered it with a large band-aid. The cream made it burn and Duo hand itched to scratch at it, but didn’t dare. He shivered as he felt Trowa’s long fingers brush over the bruise on his cheek from Chris’ slap. It felt good, the sensation of skin on skin, human contact that wasn’t laced with self-revulsion. He saw no reproach in Trowa’s green eyes, just concern, for _him_. It made him want to cry again. At least he would have one friend after this. Two, actually, if he believed Quatre’s words about letting them take care of him, and he did. But, if he could trade Trowa and Quatre for Heero’s trust and respect in this moment, he would in a heartbeat. Yet that thought didn’t cheapen what he felt for Trowa and Quatre, either.  
          Trowa gave the same treatment to Duo’s bruised and cut-up wrists, covering them in the lotion and wrapping them in gauze.  
          “It’s just for tonight,” he told Duo as he finished with both wrists, “We don’t know the kind of bacteria you were exposed to in here.”  
          “Heero cut up his wrists, too,” Duo mentioned, remembering how hard Heero had fought. Trowa nodded.  
          “I’ll take care of him when I’m done with you,” he promised.  
          ‘If he lets me,’ Trowa thought grimly, remembering the angry look in Heero’s eyes.  
          “You’re really good at this,” Duo murmured, closing his eyes as Trowa pressed his hands against his chest and back, moving down his clothed upper body.  
          “Thank you,” Trowa said with a soft smile. Duo relaxed a little at the feeling of Trowa’s hands on him. There was nothing sexual about it, it was just comforting, to be touched by someone who he trusted, who didn’t hate him or want to hurt him. He was used to Wes’ half-assed attempts at healthcare at moments like these, but Trowa was being gentler and more attentive and thorough, actually looking for wounds instead of merely treating the ones he could see.  
          “Where are we? You mentioned Cambridge,” Duo asked, using his curiosity to stay calm as Trowa’s hands traveled lower on his body.  
          “We’re in an abandoned hotel near the Harvard ‘T’ Stop,” Trowa told him, studying Duo’s face for any signs of discomfort. He didn’t want to completely undress Duo if he could help it. The shirt was covered in blood, and probably uncomfortable to wear, but Trowa recognized it as the last scrap of the boy’s dignity.  
          Suddenly, as Trowa simultaneously pressed against his lower back and abdomen, Duo gasped in pain, his eyes opening in shock. Trowa relieved the pressure in alarm, realizing what the pain meant.  
          “I’m sorry,” Trowa said hastily, putting his hands on Duo’s shoulders to steady him, worried at the signs of physical shock Duo was displaying.  
          “I’m fine,” Duo choked out. Trowa wanted to yell at him in frustration. He was in no way fine, what Trowa would have to do was not fine.  
          “You know what I have to do,” Trowa warned him. Duo nodded hesitantly, his gut clenching in half pain, half anxiety. Trowa was glad that he wasn’t begging him not to check down there, he wasn’t so sure that he would be able to deny him the request. He remembered how hard it had been for him, as a kid in the hospital when the doctor had told him that they needed to check for anal damage, he couldn’t imagine how Duo felt, knowing that a friend was going to be examining him.  
          “The last thing I want is for you to feel any pain,” Trowa soothed, “But you know that it is going to hurt, but I need to see how bad the tears are, if there are any. If you need stitches, we’ll have to take you to the hospital anyway.”  
          Duo sighed.  
          “I know,” he murmured, “But I’d rather have you doing it than a doctor.”  
          Duo shuddered then, at the thought that he would have to get Doctor Stark touching him down there again. He felt too tired to deal with any of this, let alone his doctor, who he didn’t trust in any way. The pain was starting to dull, time putting some distance between the agony, but he still felt drained, his world becoming muted and he knew that he was slowly going into shock. His body was still shaking and he was caught between wanting to cry, throw up, or just pass out. If he had felt stronger, he would have taken the lead, but he was too tired and surrendered to Trowa, who seemed to know what he was doing. He told himself that it was easier this way. If he took control, he would have to think about Heero and what would happen when he got home, things he couldn’t bare to dwell on right now. He knew he would have plenty of nightmares when he was finally able to fall asleep, his subconscious forcing him to relive and think of things he wanted to bury.  
          Trowa noted how Duo seemed to withdraw from the situation, his legs tensing like a little kid that was about to get a shot, knowing that it was coming, but wanting to run away. He sighed. Duo was probably feeling like he still being violated, having someone touch him in a place he would rather the world left alone, and simply asking him to close his eyes and spread his legs would be beyond callous and cold, Trowa certainly knew how he would feel if someone told him to do that. It was more than just empathy, Duo was a good friend and he didn’t deserve to be treated with anything but respect, even if he had to be examined in that way.   
          “Here,” Trowa guided Duo into his lap, having Duo straddle is waist so his legs were on either side of him, but he was more comfortable and Trowa could wrap his arms around him, “Put your head on my shoulder.”  
          Duo did as he was told, and even though he still knew what Trowa was going to do, and felt anxious about it, he also felt more relaxed. Trowa wouldn’t hurt him like Chris had, he just wanted to help and being held like this made him feel oddly protected. In any other situation, he would have closed his eyes and fallen asleep.   
          “Tell me how you feel,” Trowa urged, “Don’t just stay quiet.”  
          “I feel tired,” Duo said softly, feeling Trowa push away the bottom of his shirt, his hands lingering near his buttocks. Both boys blushed deeply, but didn’t move away.  
          “I feel sick. Everything aches and I’m hungry and thirsty. I have a killer headache and all I want to do is sleep, but I feel restless at the same time,” Duo continued. His breath hitched and his whole body tensed as he felt Trowa’s finger brush against his torn sphincter. Trowa winced in sympathy as he felt the tears and dried blood on Duo’s skin. As Duo had been talking, he had covered his finger in more of that lotion, but he was worried that he was going to end up hurting Duo more than he needed to.  
          “It’s not too bad so far,” Trowa told him, hoping that, by talking to Duo, he could keep him from panicking, “You do have some tearing, but its not bleeding anymore and you don’t feel like you need stitches. I need to go deeper, is that ok?”  
          “Just get it over with,” Duo begged, his hands clenched tightly in Trowa’s shirt as he buried his face in the taller boy’s shoulder. His face felt like it was about to burst into flames in embarrassment, but as long as Trowa didn’t laugh or make fun of him right now, he could deal with it. Trowa rubbed Duo’s back through the shirt with his other hand.  
          “It’s ok,” he tried to comfort as he slipped his finger inside of Duo, checking for anymore bleeding or a deep tear that time wouldn’t be able to fix by itself. He heard Duo hiss in pain, but felt proud of him when he didn’t flinch or try to move away.  
          “We’re going to take you home where you can have a nice, hot shower, take a long nap, and Name will make that soup for you that you like so much,” he used his voice to talk Duo down as he could feel his slender back trembling under his hand. Both of them took a deep, relieved breath as Trowa slipped his finger back out. The green-eyed boy frowned as he noted the tinge of red on his skin, but the blood was too light to be of much worry and he cleaned his hands thoroughly with some of the wipes in the first aid kit, then settled Duo back against the headboard.  
          “Well?” Duo asked tiredly as Trowa dug through the duffle bag some more.  
          “You’re still bleeding further up, but it’s slowing down and the tearing is bad, but not bad enough you’ll need stitches, though you will have to stay away from solid food for a few days,” Trowa told him, giving him a reassuring smile. Duo nodded, his anxiety leaving him in a rush and making him feel hollow and wasted. He blinked in confusion when Trowa handed him some pizza and a water bottle. As Duo took them, Trowa also gave him two white pills. Duo recognized the writing on the side as the iron tablets he had to take for his anemia and wondered if they had gotten them from the hotel or had simply bought some more.  
          “You’re stronger than you think,” Trowa said, his voice sounding proud, “With some iron and sugar, you should be feeling better by tomorrow. Your body is still in shock from the trauma and your anemia is making you tired and shaky, but the pills and food should take care of that.”  
          Duo listened to him with only half an ear, downing the pills and taking huge gulps of the water. It wasn’t very cold, but with his thirst, he didn’t care. Trowa watched him drink the whole bottle in one go and grabbed another from the bag. He had a flash of déjà vu as he did so, barely remembering the day Duo had run away and he had found him on the balcony. Duo took the water from his, but with one bottle of water down, he was more eager to eat the pizza. His hands shook as he struggled to eat and Trowa helped steady his hands.   
          “Duo, what happened?” Trowa asked in a soft tone. Duo looked up at him as he chewed on the pizza. His stomach did a few odd twists and turns, but he wasn’t all that bothered by it. He was used to this stage after living on the streets and then getting used to three meals a day at the Yuy’s. Still, the simple slice of cheese and tomato tasted like heaven. Duo realized that, by telling Trowa who had taken him, Name would no longer be satisfied with letting things be. He didn’t know the steps she had taken to find Wes so far, but if she learned about what Chris had tried to do to her son, she would declare all out war. He didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but any reservations he had about getting the Yuy name involved with his sordid past had died the second Chris had threatened Heero’s life.   
          So, Duo told Trowa as much as his dignity would allow in between bites of his pizza. The food felt solid in his stomach, his shocked system feeling ill at the presence of rich tomato sauce and cheese, but it still felt good to eat something. He didn’t feel any stronger having consumed something, and he was lying against the headboard heavily. His body was telling him that there was absolutely no reason for him to be awake right now. Heero was safe, they both had food, he was no longer in any danger himself, and Trowa was quite capable of taking care of anything else he might have forgotten. He still ached and throbbed and burned, but the pain was just making him more tired and he struggled against the pull of sleep.  
          When Duo finished telling Trowa about what had happened during their abduction. Trowa was looking at him in shock, his hands clenched in anger, partially because of what Chris had done to Duo and partially at the realization of how close they had come to losing Duo and Heero forever.   
          “Why would Wes save you?” he asked in a near whisper, utterly confused. Duo shook his head.  
          “I have no idea,” he admitted, “It’s kind of ironic, really. Heero and I owe our lives to him.”  
          “No one owes that bastard shit!” Trowa snarled. Duo gave him a small smile, feeling oddly happy that Trowa considered what Wes had done so horrible, he couldn’t possibly have any redeeming qualities at all.  
          “Should I have had the pizza?” Duo suddenly asked, remembering Trowa telling him he shouldn’t be eating solid food and not wanting to talk about what had happened with Chris anymore. Trowa sighed.  
          “Unfortunately, pizza is all we had and you needed food, but from now on you should only have soup until you’re healed,” he explained.  
          “Thanks for the food, anyway,” Duo smiled weakly.   
          “Are you feeling any better?” Trowa asked in a softer tone. Duo gave him a half-hearted shrug.  
          “Everything still hurts, I still feel dirty, I still feel weak, and I still feel like I’m going to black out at any second, but at least the company’s much improved,” Duo said with a forced grin. Trowa snorted.  
          “Close your eyes and take a nap. Name should be here soon and we’ll all be back home in no time,” Trowa got off the bed. It suddenly clicked in Duo’s head that Trowa meant to leave him alone in the room. The thought of the one person who he knew didn’t hate him or was disgusted in him, but also truly understood how he felt, filled him with panic. If he had had the strength, he would have made a grab for his friend. Trowa caught his wide-eyed look and stopped in his tracks.  
          “I’m going to check up on Heero, we’re not going to leave you,” Trowa promised him. He knew that Duo didn’t really believe they were going to leave him behind, but he also understood that logic had nothing to do with Duo’s fears.  
          “I’m not the only one who’s worried about you, Duo,” he soothed, reading Duo’s thoughts plainly, “None of us are ashamed of you. The only one we’re angry at is Chris, not you. You aren’t dirty or weak just because that man hurt you.”  
          Duo refused to meet his gaze and Trowa sighed, knowing that he was thinking of Name and Heero. In Duo’s mind, if Wufei wasn’t yelling at him, he didn’t blame him, and he knew that Trowa and Quatre didn’t blame him, but Name and Heero must because Duo’s association with Chris had put Heero in danger. Trowa didn’t know how to make that belief go away besides warning Name of Duo’s feelings, but he could try, anyway.  
          “Name won’t hate you, and you know that. She loves you, she’s told you that often enough. Do you really think she’s the sort of person that would hate you for this? Or do you think that she’s the type of person that would be worried that you almost _died_ , and just be grateful you’re safe?” he pointed out.  
          Trowa smiled at the spark of doubt in Duo’s eyes, as well as a very deep need for the only mother he had ever known. It made Trowa’s heart warm to think of the bond Name and Duo had and thought it would do him a great deal of good right now to have her over-protective, maternal nature.  
          “I’ll be right back,” Trowa promised, smiling softly as Duo closed his eyes and hoped that the younger boy would sleep until Name arrived.   
  
End Part 11  
  



	32. Surgery Part 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo continues to struggle with feelings of guilt about almost getting Heero killed. When Name comes to pick him up, he worries that she will never forgive him.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 12  
  
  
    The hotel hallway showed the building’s age better than the little room did. There was few wallpaper left, most of it curled up and peeled off by time and water damage. The only light in the long hallway was from the broken windows. Heero wondered how Chris had gotten the lights to work in the room when they clearly weren’t working in the hallway.  
          The three boys waited impatiently for Trowa to finish with Duo. Heero kept expecting Trowa to burst out and tell Quatre to call an ambulance, but he supposed that it was a good thing Trowa hadn’t come out of the room yet. That meant that Duo wasn’t doing so poorly that a hospital was needed, or Duo had died and Trowa was just working up the courage to tell them, but that seemed unlikely. Still, that fear ate at Heero and made him feel anxious and edgy. If Quatre and Wufei hadn’t been there, he would have punched the weak, plaster wall he was leaning on until his knuckles bled, but the last thing he needed was his friends thinking he had gone mad, whether that was the truth or not. He could feel it there, under his skin, beating away like his heart, his anger. He couldn’t remember the last time it had felt this physically real and that he had had the urge to take it out on Trowa, just because Duo was more comfortable with him now, was scary. He couldn’t blame his green-eyed friend for this, for his inability to protect the one he loved, even his inability to seek justice for him. He had thought that he would kill Chris at any expense, but the man had just… walked away after violating and nearly killing Duo without so much as a scratch. It was that sense of helplessness and injustice that made him want to punch something to death, or maybe it had been Duo flinching away from him that made him so angry.  
          He could never be mad at Duo. He had been mad at him before, when he had believed Duo had been using him, but once he had discovered the truth, he had vowed to never be angry at him again and that promise had stuck. He felt like it was simply impossible for him to be angry at his best friend, even when he had hurt him worse than anyone before. The pain he had felt when he had thought that Duo had betrayed him was nothing compared to the realization that their friendship was breaking away like something fragile and rotting. Heero staid slumped, sitting on the floor against the wall by the door, trying to think of some way he could make things better, but nothing was coming to him. He hung his head. Saying ‘sorry’ in this circumstance wasn’t going to work.   
          Heero had never been good with words. Before, when Duo had disappeared for such a long time, it had been easier. All he had had to do was find him, patiently listen to his story, and assure him that he wasn’t disgusted with him. It had been the assuring part that had been difficult, but he had known what to say to make things better. Now, Duo was only a few feet away and there was nothing he could do physically to help him and the words he needed to make things better were failing him in the worst way. How could he possibly apologize for letting that happen to Duo again, when he had promised him he would protect him from anything, well enough that Duo would forgive him and things would go back to normal. The thought that things were broken beyond repair was too frightening. The only consoling thought was that Duo could never truly leave him since he had nowhere else to go. He could run away again, but they would find him and Heero didn’t think that Duo would leave his mother, he cared for her too much. It didn’t do all that much to make him feel better, though. It just made him realize how close Duo would be to him, but how different everything was going to be when they got home. All he wanted to do was hold the boy close and make sure that he was ok, but he couldn’t because Duo hated him. He had thought that loving Duo before was painful because he could never say anything, but the knowledge that he actually hated him made it feel unbearable.   
          Quatre and Wufei seemed to realize instinctually that Heero wanted to be left alone and merely stood against the opposite wall like silent sentries, keeping an eye on their friend while waiting for Trowa and Duo to come out of the closed room. The pizza and water they had given him felt tasteless and heavy in his stomach and he had eaten it simply to get more energy and stave off his hunger, he hadn’t even tasted it as he had eaten. His hands still felt like they wanted to shake and his stomach hurt a little, but he felt more awake and aware than he had been before, so it was an improvement, and he needed concentration and rational more than he needed the pain to go away. He wondered if this was what Duo had felt like all those years of starving on the streets, but realized that not eating for twenty-four hours was probably nothing compared to not eating for days. Still, he had never wanted Duo to be reminded of those dark days of his childhood like this, though it gave Heero a little taste of what his best friend had gone through. He couldn’t really hope for anything, he felt like his weakness had made him unworthy of hope, but he wanted very badly for his mother to come for them, soon, so they could go home and he could get Duo safe. Chris might have left, but Heero wouldn’t think of him as safe until they had him tucked in to his bed back in Maine.  
          Without warning, the door to the room swung open and the three boys jumped in surprise. Trowa strode out, med-kit in hand and closed the door behind him.  
          “What are you doing?” Heero ground out, vainly trying to control his overflowing rage as his friend knelt in front of him. Trowa should be in _there_ , taking care of Duo! And why had he shut the door? Fear quickly replaced anger and his heart raced.  
          “He’s sleeping,” Trowa said hopefully, “He’s all taken care of and now I’m going to settle him and my fears by taking care of you.”  
          “I’m not hurt,” Heero snarled. Trowa raised an eyebrow and looked down at Heero’s wrists. Heero followed his gaze and blushed a little in embarrassment. He had completely forgotten about the wounds from the cuffs.  
          “I can take care of myself,” he growled. He didn’t want Trowa to touch him, he didn’t want _anyone_ to touch him. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone? He wasn’t the one they should be looking after. Trowa held his gave in an intense green stare.  
          “I’m sure you can take care of yourself, Heero, but I’m going to help you anyway, because you’re my friend and I’m worried about you, too,” Trowa said softly. Heero looked away from him, guilt mingling with the shame, anger, and fear he felt so strongly. Trowa was right, they were friends, and Heero had no reason to be so furious at him. He cared for Trowa and he never would hurt him. As angry as he was at himself, and as ready as he was to take that anger out on someone, he could never, ever actually strike the tall boy. He was only taking things out on Trowa because of his closeness to Duo, where Heero couldn’t even touch him, the trust that Duo had in Trowa where Duo clearly didn’t trust _him_ anymore, stirred such an extreme jealously in him. Everything was so _wrong_ , he had never thought they would end up in this place, that he would ever feel this distant from Duo. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t even have the privacy to cry out his fears and frustrations. He just wanted his best friend back, wanted the boy that had gone swimming with him just a few nights ago, not the boy that felt the need to flinch from his touch.  
          This was _Trowa_ , he told himself, one of the best friends he had ever had, but his broken heart didn’t want to listen. It just wanted to lash out at someone it could actually hurt and with Duo’s readiness to trust Trowa with examining him, it might as well be him. But his feelings for Trowa, though mixed up with anger, sadness, and jealously right now, were too old, and still too strong, for him to actually do something hurtful to Trowa. So, all he could do was glare and let his fury boil and seethe deep in his heart. Hurting Trowa wouldn’t relieve that ache to hurt, it wouldn’t get rid of his need for Duo, either, so what would be the point of alienating one of the few friends he had left?  
          Heero held out his wrists to Trowa as an act of surrender. Trowa nodded in gratitude, but couldn’t shake his concern for the Japanese boy. Heero could think he was hiding his emotions all he liked, but Trowa could read him clear as day. They had been friends for too long to hide feelings from each other. He would have told Heero to just punch him in the face and get it over with if he thought it would help Heero at all. Instead, he concentrated all his worry for his friend on taking care of his cuts.  
          “How is Duo doing?” Quatre asked from behind him. An invisible shudder went down Trowa’s spine at the warm sound of his lover’s voice. If they had had any kind of privacy, in that moment Quatre would have been in his arms in the blink of an eye. Duo’s story of events had spooked him more than a little, the realization of what sort of people Duo had been living with since he had been a child, and the dangers they had taken on by letting him into their lives. He would never regret being friends with Duo, for helping him heal from the horrors of his childhood, but how close they had come to losing him and Heero, and the depths that his former ‘guardian’ would sink to. It was haunting to realize that Chris hadn’t simply attempted to silence Duo, but had actually brutalized him, stripping him of all dignity and humanity, before trying to kill him. And it had been done so easily. The second that Heero and Duo had been left alone, Chris had taken the chance, and he had gotten away with it. The worst part was that they weren’t taking their friends away from the danger that had almost taken their lives, they were bringing them back into it. If Wes and his ‘friends’ could get to Duo in Boston, what was stopping them from getting to him back home?  
          With those thoughts, Trowa almost abandoned Heero to hug his lover tightly, to let Quatre’s gentle, caring nature make all the bad things go away, as it so often did for him, privacy be damned, and he was sure that the second they were back home, alone in their room, he would do just that, but he had promised Duo he would look after Heero and if Duo could wait until they were back home to have a meltdown, the rest of them could dam well wait, too. He had finished wrapping up Heero’s torn and bruised wrists and had started to inspect his head, though Heero’s thick hair made it difficult. He remembered how Duo had told him, with a wide-eyed, shocked expression, how Heero had been struck in the head and how Duo had watched him fall into the street, blood pouring down his neck. Trowa could imagine how scared Duo must have been at that moment and wanted to kill Chris for that alone. Sure enough, there was a great deal of dried blood on Heero’s scalp and neck.  
          “Not great, but not terrible, either,” Trowa answered his lover’s question. Heero seemed to become more alert, anxious to what Trowa had to say.  
          “He’s lost a bit of blood and there’s a lot of internal damage, but he’s strong. If he takes care of himself and doesn’t strain anything or reopen his wounds, I don’t see any need for a hospital,” Trowa told them as he finally located the gash and bump on Heero’s head, making the other boy hiss in pain, “He’ll need to consume a lot of iron to make up for the blood loss, and with his internal injuries he won’t be able to eat solid food for a few days, but unless the bleeding picks up again or he gets an infection, he’ll get better with some sleep and relaxation. I think the biggest thing we need to watch for is his level of stress.”  
          Trowa finished with Heero’s head and examined his deep blue eyes in the light of the hallway, wishing he had a flashlight.  
          “The wound on your head is pretty bad, but it’s not bleeding anymore and I don’t think you have a concussion,” Trowa informed him. Heero shrugged off his light touch on his shoulder in irritation.  
          “I feel fine,” he grumbled. Trowa was about to snap back at him, annoyed at his disregard for his own health, when Quatre’s phone rang out in a merry ring tone, making the blonde squeak in shock and the rest of them jump. It made Wufei feel silly, having been startled twice by nothing, but they were all on edge, as though they expected the hotel roof to collapse on them or Chris to return. That thought made Wufei shutter. All five of them were unarmed and against a man that could do such violence to Heero and Duo, Wufei suspected their numbers would be useless to them. The three of them stared at Quatre as he merely looked down at his ringing phone like it was some alien thing he didn’t know what to do with.  
          “Answer it,” Heero snapped tersely.  
  
  
  
    He didn’t know if it was the dark feelings of guilt, the unrelenting pain that was still attacking his exhausted body, or his uncomforting surroundings, but Duo couldn’t sleep. He closed his eyes and he could feel his tiredness wearing down on him almost like a physical, oppressive force, but he couldn’t settle down, couldn’t allow sleep to come. He was finally safe and he knew that logically, but he could smell his own blood in the room, could feel every throb and ache in his body vividly, and every time he closed his eyes, he could remember Heero’s hurt, betrayed expression. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t possibly rest with those things, even though he could hear the soft voices of his friends through the door and felt a little comforted knowing that Name would be there soon, yet he didn’t feel safe. He didn’t know if he ever would again.     
          He had been so sure that Wes wouldn’t make a move, that as long as he was around Heero, around his friends, he would be protected, but now he felt like, no matter what he did or where he went, he could never be safe. Would he even be safe at home? Would Heero be safe? Had he completely screwed up Heero’s life just by trying to be friends with him? He didn’t want to think that way. His life was so good now, he had a family, a home, true friends, even a job, why did he have to have all that taken away just because Wes couldn’t let him go, because he was too proud, or crazy, to leave Heero alone? He didn’t want these doubts, didn’t want to feel so off balance again like he had back when he had first started to live with Heero, but he didn’t know where he stood right now. He wanted to say that, if he had the strength, he could just run away again, but he didn’t want to do that. He was just so tired of running, and he had promised so many people that he would try to talk things out instead of disappearing.   
          As much as the last twenty-four hours had taught Duo that some things would just never change, that horrible things couldn’t just go away by wanting them to, he also realized that he was changing, he was a different person than he had been. He could run away, like he always did when things got bad, he could fall back on old habits and blame himself to the point that he was too scared to try to make things better, but he didn’t want to do that. All he wanted was to see Name and tell her his fears, like he so often did, to have a sympathetic ear from the woman that had become a mother to him so quickly and deeply, even if she hated him, he wanted to fall into her arms and let her take care of everything. He didn’t know what he would do if she denied him of that because of what he had done to her real son, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to find out. In the past, he would have settled for relying on himself and ignoring how much pain he was in, but now he just wanted to know what he still had, to know that he hadn’t completely fucked things up again.   
          At this point, he felt like some sort of tragic hero, whenever he got even remotely close to his goals, there was always something blocking his way and pushing him back down. He felt like everything was slipping through his fingers and he was struggling to get a grip again. Everything in his life had been going so perfectly, but he felt like all of the good things he had had been just a dream and _this_ , the pain, shame, and loneliness were reality. He didn’t want to believe that. He wanted to believe in Heero and the things he had promised him, even if Heero hated him and those promises seemed so meaningless now.  
          He had almost died. Duo couldn’t deny that with the stinging slash on his throat, yet he didn’t think it had truly hit him yet. For most of his life, he had looked towards his death, not with fear, but acceptance and anticipation. He had thought that he would always welcome it, an escape from all the bad things that had been forced on him. True, he had never believed in God and for him that went hand in hand with believing in an after life, but he had always felt like the darkness of death would be kinder than the darkness he had faced every waking moment as Wes’ whore. But now, so many things had changed and he couldn’t deny that, either. The truth was, somewhere along the way, he had changed… he didn’t want to die. Why would he? Even if Heero hated him, things weren’t like how they had been. His life would never return to what it had been, even if the unfamiliar both scared him and enthralled him. He didn’t want to lose the life he had now and, for once, he was willing to fight for it, even if that mere thought scared the shit out of him. He didn’t want to give up, to go back to the pained, weak person he had been. He didn’t want to be that person ever again. But wasn’t he? By letting this happen to Heero, hadn’t he proven that he was just as weak and helpless as he had always been? He didn’t know… he just didn’t have the answers anymore, if he had ever had them.  
          Duo’s muscles stiffened almost in a spasm as the door opened and Trowa walked back in. He quickly realized that his body was too tired for a more extreme reaction and instantly felt worried about his energy level. If he had felt stronger, he would have pretended that Trowa had woken him up, but he was too tired to put forth any sort of effort. He was on the verge of blacking out, which scared him, but at this point, he would have welcomed the elusive concept of sleep. He felt bad that he couldn’t even pretend, just to make Trowa feel better, as his tall friend gave him a sad look at the realization that he hadn’t slept at all.  
          “How is he?” Duo pressed, his concern for Heero overpowering everything else. Instead of scolding Duo about it, Trowa smiled softly in amusement.  
          “Heero’s fine, I told you I’d take care of him,” Trowa chided as he approached the bed, sitting next to Duo, who struggled to sit up and failed. He squirmed a little as Trowa helped him to sit up, hating how helpless he was.  
          “Name called,” Trowa informed him, trying to do all that he could to keep Duo’s spirits up, since he knew that that was just as important as Duo’s health. He also knew that Duo would feel much better once he knew no one was going to scorn him.  
          “I told her everything you told me,” Trowa confessed, watching his friend closely for his reaction. He had wrestled with the decision to tell Name everything that had happened, wondering if Duo or Heero should be the ones to tell her, if they wanted to, but in the end he had decided to take the stress out of their hands and get it over with. Duo paled a little, but didn’t seem to react anymore which only worried Trowa about how much more Duo could take without sleep and comfort.  
          “What did she say?” Duo murmured. He felt a little bit irritated that Trowa had told Name everything, but in reality, he would have told her everything anyway and he was actually pretty glad that Trowa had taken the decision out of his hands because he wasn’t sure if he would have been able to tell the story twice without letting his memories drown him. Mostly, he was just too tired and didn’t feel like he could trust himself to make any decisions.   
          “She didn’t say anything,” Trowa said, “She just said that she should be here in a few minutes, but she sounded worried.”  
          ‘For Heero,’ Duo thought bitterly and immediately hated himself for feeling that way. Name had told him that she considered him her son, so why couldn’t he accept that she might still care for him that way? It hadn’t taken her very long to get up here and it scared him to think of the sort of things she had done to get from Maine to Massachusetts in such a small amount of time. But had she just rushed over here for Heero, or could he believe that she was worried about himself?  
          “You know we’re going to have to get you downstairs, right?” Trowa asked softly. Duo nodded. He would feel mortified if Name had to watch them drag him down the steps, not that he didn’t feel that way anyway, considering the likelihood of him walking down those stairs was so small, it might as well be impossible.   
          “Can you walk?” Trowa asked, but with the weariness Duo was exuding, he already knew the answer. The teenager couldn’t even sit up, let alone walk down to the street where Name had told them she would pick them up from. Trowa wished that he had thought of giving the phone right to Duo so he could have heard how frantic Name had sounded when he had told her about Duo’s… injuries. Then, if Duo could just understand that Name still cared for him, that he still had that support that he always seemed to crave, maybe he wouldn’t be so restless and pained. He didn’t like that Duo seemed so conflicted at the news of Name’s arrival. He should be happy and comforted, not anxious, and those twisted feelings had to be draining him either further.   
          “Or course he can’t walk!” Quatre snapped from the doorway, striding into the room with a purposeful air. His face was pale just with the thought of the weak, exhausted looking Duo lying in the bed trying to walk. Duo blushed at the worry he saw in the blonde’s expression, realizing that Quatre was thinking that, even though he was in too much pain and too weak to properly sit up under his own power, he was still going to try to walk down the steps on his own. Truthfully, the thought of trying to get out of the bed on his won was a little bit scary. All his body wanted to do was stay exactly where it was until the pain and aches went away. The prospect of, through some miracle, tackling who knew how many flights of stairs was practically terrifying. He didn’t relish in using any of his lower body right now.  
          If he didn’t feel so… shaken up, he might have tried doing things on his own, he had never liked being physically dependent on other people because there had been very few people he trusted in the past. Even when he had been in agony, he had struggled through it on his own because he didn’t want to be vulnerable around anyone, so he had pretended to be strong. Now, however, not only did he not feel up to the task of pretending everything was fine, he just didn’t want to anymore, not when he had people he could finally trust his wellbeing with. He supposed that was something else about himself that had changed. He had never been easy to trust anyone and he had always gotten along just fine by struggling on his own and now, losing those things had initially been hard for him to accept, but it was sort of nice to be able to relinquish responsibility so someone he trusted. It was still hard, a stinging part of himself prodding him to struggle like he always had, but mostly, he liked being able to trust his friends, he liked not being the only one in his life and not always being on point. What was wrong with that? It didn’t seem right at the same time that it was a relief. He certainly didn’t like the guarded, worried look Quatre was giving him. He knew that he had a habit of being stubborn and he was glad that he could change those habits. For once, he was glad that he was so tired and didn’t feel up to fighting with anyone. He was just happy that Quatre and Trowa were so worried about him, he wasn’t about to argue with that concern.   
          “No,” he told them in a soft, slightly ashamed tone, “I’m pretty sure I can’t walk.”  
          Quatre and Trowa both gave him relieved, proud looks that made his chest tighten a little in a mix of happiness and guilt for being able to do something right, but a little bit ashamed that his surrendering happened so few times that they would even need to feel proud of him about it.   
          “Do you want to try?” Trowa asked diplomatically, ignoring the dirty look his lover threw him, “Or do you want me to carry you?”  
          A movement by the door drew Duo’s vision and he saw Heero leaning against the wall by the door. Duo’s chest clenched again, this time in a harsh pain, as he noted the pinched, irritated expression on the older boy’s face. That look made Duo’s face drain of color. Was Heero pissed because he was too weak to take care of himself, or was he just still mad that he had almost gotten him killed? He wanted to beg for forgiveness, to explain how hard he had tried to keep his past separate from his present, but what would be the point? He didn’t deserve Heero’s forgiveness and he really didn’t think saying sorry was going to make this better. Fuck, but he just wanted to go home. He could deal with his problems with Heero later, but right now he wanted to curl up with his achingly familiar, star-printed sheets, he wanted to snuggle with his cats, and he wanted to see the comforting glow of the orb on his desk. He yearned for those things more than sleep or food. He just wanted those little comforts that had made up his home in such a small amount of time.  
          “You can carry me,” he murmured, feeling defeated. If he was too weak to even get out of bed without any sort of fight, he had to have hit a new level of low. It was no wonder that Heero was so ashamed of him. The bed dipped as Quatre sat on the edge of the bed and took his hands in his. It was only when compared to Quatre’s steady hands that Duo realized his own hands had been shaking for awhile now.  
          “Name will be here very soon. Is there anything you need?” Quatre asked in a kind, soft voice that made Duo feel loved and relaxed at the same time. Quatre’s entire manor was gentle, like he always was. In the room that smelled heavily of blood and his best friend’s smoldering gaze on him, Quatre’s concern and kindness made him want to cry and curl up in the blonde’s warm, safe embrace. He shook his head.  
          “I just want to go home,” Duo murmured tiredly. Quatre smiled reassuringly at him, his thumbs lightly tracing over the deep bruises and cuts on the longhaired boy’s wrists. Heero watched this, staying by the wall with the same irritated look, his arms crossed over his chest. He wanted to hold his injured best friend, he wanted to get him home where it was safe, but he couldn’t do either. He was so frustrated, he wanted to punch a hole in the wall.   
          “Name’s here,” Wufei announced as he popped his head into the room, Quatre’s cell phone in his hand. His dark eyes met Duo’s and Duo was surprised at how the acceptance there made him feel better. Anyone with eyes and common sense knew that he and Wufei had had a rocky friendship. In the beginning, when Wufei had been chasing him around, chomping at the bit for a romantic relationship, Duo had believed that Wufei had no respect for him. He still had no idea what Wufei had seen in him or why he had tried so hard to get a date out of him, but he did know that the Chinese boy had suffered in throwing in the towel, if not with grace, then with at least some respect for him and his needs. So, with Wufei’s pursuing him and insults when he had learned about Duo’s past, Duo was a bit shocked that he held Wufei’s opinion of him so highly, but apparently, he did, since the thought of him disapproving of his actions in this made him feel ashamed.   
          “I’ll be ok,” he called to Wufei, whose eyes widened as he realized how easily Duo had read his feelings. He blushed darkly and entered the room. His blush instantly faded away as his eyes strayed to the puddle of blood on the floor and he had to force himself to look away.  
          “Do you need help with him?” he asked Trowa shyly. He couldn’t deny that he was still attracted to Duo, that hadn’t changed, though he had given up trying to date him, so when Duo singled him out, he felt hot and bothered and Duo’s injuries made him feel a bit overprotective. He wondered how Heero could possibly handle similar feelings without letting Duo know how he felt.  
          “I can handle him,” Trowa said with a shake of his head and looked at Duo, “Are you ready?”  
          Duo nodded, his heart beating faster in anxiety and anticipation, both at the prospect of having to move again so soon, and seeing Name. It seemed to him like it had been weeks since he had last spoken to her when it had only been days. By the door, Heero seemed to tense as Trowa gently wrapped an arm around his back and another under his knees and lifted him, cradling him to his chest. Heero looked even angrier at this and seemed to want to march over there which confused Duo, but he stayed by the door, watching Trowa’s every move with stony eyes. Duo blushed a little as he realized how strong and graceful Trowa was as he easily get the both of them out of the room, down the hall, and down the steps without incident. He closed his eyes at the bright light of day and instantly wished it was Heero carrying him. Having Trowa do it made him feel…weird.  
          Neither Heero or Duo had realized just how long they had spent in the fake, dim light of the room and when they left the old hotel and were bathed in the bright sunlight of a cloudless mid-day, they had to squeeze their eyes closed. The small aches Duo had felt when his body had left the bed were nothing to the sharp pain he felt in his head when the bright light hit him. Quatre and Trowa shared another worried glance as Heero flinched and grabbed his head as he felt a similar, but more intense pain because of his head wound.  
          Name’s car was like a beacon to the five boys. The Japanese woman was learning against the car, watching them anxiously, somehow looking immaculate through her worry wearing a pair of black slacks and a long-sleeved grey top. The only indication she gave that she had been rushing around in a panic was her slightly mussed black hair. She was at Trowa’s side so quickly once she spotted Duo that Trowa was quite sure she had teleported. Duo was too shocked that she had gone to him first instead of Heero to say anything to her.  
          “Oh, Duo,” she breathed, her black eyes taking in every bruise, every speck of blood on his pale skin, the blanket wrapped around his legs was like a banner to her, a testament to what had happened. Trowa had pulled no punches in his story and at the time, listening to his deep voice telling her over the phone that Duo had been raped and both him and her son almost murdered, she had hated him, but now she was glad that she knew what had happened and what was going on. Duo looked half dead and he was shaking slightly. She questioned not taking him to a hospital, but she really just wanted to get him back home where she could take care of him properly. Rage filled her at the sight of the bloody gahs on duo’s neck, but pushed it down. She would deal with finding the man responsible later, she promised herself.  
          Duo closed his eyes happily as Name stroked his bangs and forehead with a light, gentle hand. It felt good enough that he struggled against tears. If he had had the strength to, he would have hugged her as hard as he could.   
          “I’m so sorry,” he heard her pained whisper and looked up at her.  
          “It’s not your fault,” he assured her and felt stupid. Of course it wasn’t her fault, how could it be when it was his? He would never blame anyone but himself and Wes and Chris for this.   
          “How are you feeling?” she asked him, ready with anything he might need. The broken, strained smile he gave her broken her heart.  
          “I’m just tired,” he murmured. A tear finally escaped as she kissed his forehead, but he forced an iron control over the rest.  
          “I brought you a change of clothes if you want to get out of this shirt,” she offered and smiled brightly when Duo nodded energetically, the first show of strength he had given for several hours.  
          “I’ll help you change,” Trowa said as he walked towards the car. Heero seemed to come to life by the sudden light in Duo’s eyes and practically jumped to open the door for them. His anger seemed to lessen by a mere fraction with having some way to help. He could feel his mother studying him, but ignored her, knowing she would have questions for him later.  
          Trowa watched Heero from the corner of his eye as he helped Duo get seated in the back of the car. The blue-eyed teenager acted like he would help him when Duo groaned in pain a couple of times, but he never did. He just stood by the car door, his back ramrod straight, like an old English soldier, on guard and completely inanimate. Trowa snorted in irritation and would have smacked Heero upside the head for being so damn obvious and stubborn if he didn’t sincerely believe Heero would break his nose for it. When Quatre finally understood what was going on between Duo and Heero, he would be furious at how Heero was treating his friends like ill-suffered intruders instead of asking them for help, but Trowa knew better. He knew that, when it came to the one you loved, the rest of the world could fuck off. Sure, Trowa loved his friends, he would do just about anything for them, but if any one of them came between him and Quatre, or if he was consumed with guilt over his love like Heero was, he would react in exactly the same way.  
          He didn’t know who he felt worse for; Duo, who he knew for a fact was in love with Heero and thought that Heero was angry with him, or Heero, who he was pretty sure was in love with Duo, and thought Duo was scared of him. They had the sort of relationship that made you think it would last until they both died, but here it was, cracking and breaking because of the actions of a sociopath. One would think that what had happened would have made Duo and Heero closer, but it was doing the exact opposite and Trowa didn’t know how to get involved without making things worse.  
          Trowa walked to the other side of the car and got in. Name shut the door on Duo’s side, the tinted windows giving them privacy. Heero glared at the car, hating those windows and Trowa for suggesting to help Duo again with equal passion. He knew nothing romantic would _ever_ happen between Duo and Trowa, but his heart absolutely refused to listen to his brain. He hated Trowa for something he had no right to hate him for and he hated himself for it. Why did this have to be so complicated? Back when Chris had been there and Heero had been thinking of all the things he would do if he and Duo lived through this, if anyone had told him he would react this way, he would have laughed at them. Duo was alive and safe, so why did he have to feel so miserable?  
          Heero’s body tensed like a stone as his mother drew him into a hug so tight, it was painful. But, along with that pain was also a deep elation. It took mere seconds for his body to relax into his mother’s embrace and he shuddered at the long awaited sensation of human contact. To his surprise, he found himself hugging her back.  
          “God,” she gasped in his ear, “I was so worried…”  
          Heero tried to imagine himself in her shoes, several states away and knowing for a fact that someone he loved was in danger, but couldn’t. No, more like he refused to, it was too much like those times Duo had gone missing. He wanted to tell her that everything was ok, he and Duo were fine, but that was a lie. Nothing was fine. Everything felt… wrong and broken. He wanted to tell her that they hadn’t been hurt, but that was a lie, too. Mentally, emotionally, and physically, both he and Duo had been hurt. They had almost died… he had very nearly had been forced to watch his best friend and secret love die very messily. He couldn’t even imagine how his mother had been able to deal with his father’s death. He had only gotten a small taste of what that sort of loss would feel like and it had left him completely shaken up. If Duo hadn’t flinched away from him, he would have wrapped him up in a hundred blankets and tried very hard to hide him away from the world. He still wanted to do just that, but… he couldn’t. Was this was addiction felt like, wanting something so badly, your body ached for it, but also knowing you couldn’t indulge in it?  
          Suddenly, his mother let go of him, leaving him with a chill and the realization of how tired he was.  
          “Why are you so quiet?” she asked him with a searching stare. Heero shrugged.  
          “Trowa told you everything you need to know,” he replied, his voice tinged with bitterness. Name frowned at the tone, but couldn’t figure out why Heero would sound that way.  
          “He didn’t tell me how you were feeling or that you were acting oddly,” her frown intensified, “He did tell me that you hit your head. How bad is it?” she asked even as her fingers probed her son’s scalp through his thick hair for the wound. It felt good, her touch and her concern, but Heero brushed her off anyway, sidestepping her exploring fingers.  
          “I’m not hurt,” he lied, even though he could still feel his headache pounding away inside his skull. Name gave him a stern look.  
          “Then why aren’t you clinging to Duo like your life depends on it?” she countered. Quatre watched the two of them worriedly, wondering if he should tell Name what had happened between Heero and Duo. Trowa poked his head out of the car, unknowingly interrupting the staring match Heero and Name had found themselves in.  
          “We’re ready,” he told them. There was an edge to his voice that spoke of weariness and worry.  
          “Is he ok?” Quatre asked. Trowa sighed.  
          “We just need to get him home,” he said, disappearing back into the car. Quatre saw the need to demand what was wrong in Heero’s eyes, but also the self-control that kept him back. Quatre and Wufei had no such self control and scrambled into the back seat, leaving Heero with the front passenger’s seat. Heero was slower getting into the car, but he impatiently turned in the seat to look at Duo and see what Trowa’s look had been all about.  
          As bad as Duo had looked going into the car, slumped against the window with a half-dead expression, panting in exhaustion as though he had just run a marathon, he looked much worse now. Changing his bloodied shirt and stolen blankets for a pari of very loose sweatpants and long sleeved black shirt, though quick and efficient, had clearly take a lot out of Duo and when Trowa looked at him, he seemed guilty. Heero wanted to scream at him that if he had thought, even for a second, that Duo would become so… worn… just by changing clothes, he shouldn’t have attempted it, but he managed to hold himself back. The sight of Trowa’s jacket around Duo’s shoulders made his blood boil, but when Duo shivered, he just felt hollow and cold all over again. He turned again in his seat and stared straight ahead, feeling useless and obnoxious. Name slid into her own seat and looked back at Duo, smiling sadly.  
          “How are you feeling, honey?” she asked in a soft, motherly tone. The look he gave her was bleary at best, looking like he was going to doze off at any second under Trowa’s heavy coat, not because he was more relaxed, but out of sheer exhaustion and pain.  
          “Better,” he murmured. He felt more tired than before, but he _did_ feel better in clean clothes and the comfort and familiarity of Name’s car. Name herself was like a beam of pure happiness to him. He wished that she had dared to hug him and vowed that would be the first thing he did once he got some of his strength back because, at this point, he really needed a hug. It was still so hard for him to believe that she didn’t even blame him for this, that she had been just worried for him as Heero. Everything that was going on air and him seemed to be washing over him in a haze and he realized he was finally crashing. He welcomed it, telling himself that as long as Name was around, he would be safe and he didn’t even care that it was a huge lie.  
          Name and Heero watched Duo curl up under Trowa’s jacket in his corner of the car and, finally, fall asleep with soft expressions that were so similar, anyone watching would know they were related. Name worried that even the smallest sound or movement would wake him, but even when she got the car going, he didn’t stir. Looking through the mirror, Name noted that they all looked like worn refugees, tired and depressed, but Heero, who was still wearing old clothes and looked like he hadn’t slept since they had been taken, and Duo looked the worst. Quatre’s eyes were already half-lidded and both Wufei and Trowa looked like they were struggling to stay alert. Name knew she didn’t look any better.  
          “I’m going to swing by the hotel so you guys can pick up your things,” Name whispered to Trowa, who looked the most alert of the five. He nodded back to her. He wanted to get Duo home and into bed as quickly as possible, but he also wanted Duo to take his medicine as soon as he was awake again, too, and knew Duo would be annoyed if they left their stuff in Massachusetts. On his right side, Quatre was blushing while Wufei, leaning his head on the car door and feeling a little crushed with three other people in the seat and them trying to make as much room for Duo as possible, looked completely not bothered with going back to the hotel.  
          “Does Mrs. Khushrenada know what happened?” Wufei asked in a low voice.  
          “I just told her that Duo got sick, so we have to take him home early,” Name told him, “That’s all she has to know.”  
          Trowa nodded in agreement with her decision, his green eyes traveling to Duo, who looked uncomfortable curled up against the door the way he was, but Trowa knew that, with the exception of an excruciatingly loud noise, he wasn’t going to wake up for anything now that he had finally fallen asleep. It was just so hard, nearly impossible, for him to believe that this whole hellish situation was over and he knew the others felt the same way. It had seemed like an eternity, searching and waiting for some elusive sign that their friends were ok, but once they had gotten it, everything had seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. Trowa still wasn’t sure what he felt about all of it; rage, sadness, guilt, regret… all of that and more. He certainly couldn’t blame Duo or Heero for their reactions and misunderstandings, even if it felt like such a huge waste to him.  
          It had only been a few hours since Trowa, Wufei, and Quatre had left the hotel after Name had called to tell them that she finally knew where they, or at least their cell phones, were, but it seemed so long that they had seen it, it looked both familiar and alien to them. All those hours of worrying and thinking the worst had taken its toll on the three of them. It seemed like they were all on the verge of sleep as Name drove into the hotel’s parking lot, Quatre was already slumped against Trowa’s shoulder, though Trowa couldn’t be sure if he was really sleeping or his eyes were just closed, and he was sure they were all looking forward to grabbing their things and going home.  
          In the late winter season, the hotel wasn’t very crowded, so getting the car through security and parked went without much stress. Name turned off the car and turned to Heero to ask if he wanted to grab his things along with Trowa and Wufei, or if he just wanted to stay in the car with Duo, at this point, she had no idea what her son would do anymore, but she found Heero sleeping like Duo, not quite as curled up, but looking just as impossible to wake and uncomfortable. She smiled fondly at him and gestured to Trowa to follow her as she left the car. As Wufei opened the door, Quatre woke, disoriented from the scant nap, and he blinked up at Trowa, who gently brushed his gold bangs from his eyes.  
          “Want to stay here and watch these two?” he asked the smaller boy softly. Quatre nodded sleepily. He still felt shaken from the day’s events. Hearing about Duo’s past and actually witnessing the aftermath of his friend’s rape were completely different. Quatre was the type of person who always had a plan, always knew what to say and do five steps before he had to, so now, when he had absolutely no idea what to do, he felt fractured. Every instinct he had was telling him to comfort Duo and catch the evil man that had done this to his friends, but he didn’t know how to comfort duo, what limited experience he had with dealing with this sort of thing was the short time he had seen Duo in the hospital, and all he knew about Chris was from what Trowa had said Duo had told him.  
          “I won’t fall asleep again,” he promised. Trowa’s smile was warm and it made Quatre want to kiss him, to escape to a gesture that was familiar and comforting, but he retrained himself.  
          “Just make sure they don’t kill each other,” Trowa teased, ruffling Quatre’s unusually mussed hair. The blonde gave his lover a horrified look, the idea of the normally best of friends fighting physically and him going up against the larger and stronger Heero seemed equally terrible. Logic told him that there was no way the two boys would fight in their current conditions, for each other’s sakes, but logic had also told him that Heero should not be acting this aloof towards his best friend. He growled at Trowa, who was chuckling at him. As irritated as he was at Trowa, when he was gone and Quatre was alone, he wanted to abandon the car and race after him. The silence in the parking garage was too loud, leaving him with nothing to do but think about what had happened. He scooted over on the seat until he was right next to Duo, who seemed to relax when he stroked his bangs.  
          “What a mess,” he murmured to himself.  
   
  
   
          As the three of them walked into the hotel, Trowa felt a bit like a criminal, on the look out for Une, nervously, like he had done something wrong. Though he hated lying, he had always been good at hiding things, at pretending one thing while feeling something completely different. This time, however, he was sure his feelings would be as plain as day if he had to face the teacher and he really didn’t feel like going through an elaborate song and dance right now. He was sure that the three of them made quite an impression with the hotel’s staff in between Name’s celebrity status and his and Wufei’s zombie-like expressions. The front desk knew that all of the students had to check in and out, but they took one look at Name and didn’t say a word to any of them.  
          Their room looked almost exactly the way they had left it the morning before Heero and Duo had disappeared. Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei had come back several times to check if Heero and Duo had returned, but had only staid in the room last night to sleep, not bothering to make up the beds. With their clothes strewn about, the beds unmade, and the bathroom filled with old towels from the morning, the room was a mess. The maids had obviously decided not to touch their personal things, but the TV they had left on in their rush this morning was off and their dishes were gone. Heero and Duo’s areas of the room were exactly how they had left them, it had seemed sacrilegious at the time to touch any of their things.  
          If they hadn’t been in such a hurry to leave, Trowa would have straightened up a little, loathe having the maids deal with the mess, but all he cared about was grabbing their things. Wufei was already getting together his and Quatre’s clothes and the way that the normally meticulous boy was throwing and shoving things back into the suitcases showed Trowa how much Wufei wanted to leave, too. He looked over at Name and almost laughed at the neat, caring way she was folding and separating Heero’s clean and dirty clothes as she put them in the suitcase. Even in a situation like this, she was a mother first.  
          Trowa moved to Duo’s area and paused as he surveyed his things. The longhaired boy’s mess was significantly different from everyone else’s. Trowa and Wufei were neat, having very little to clean up, but Duo was… coordinated. Trowa easily recognized the signs of someone who was used to having to grab his things quickly, as though he were used to being chased and Trowa was sure that he was. It was chilling, looking at the drastic differences between Duo’s things and everyone else’s. Wufei and Trowa’s things were separated by dirty and clean, the dirty things in bags and the clean things folded neatly in piles near their side of the bed, Quatre and Heero were more messy, clean things in lazy piles and dirty things tossed about. But Duo’s things, both dirty and clean, had been mixed together and haphazardly thrown into his duffle bag. It made him feel sad just to look at it. With reverent care, as though he were touching something precious, Trowa refolded Duo’s clean clothes and put them more neatly in the duffle bag before going to the bathroom to retrieve his medicines. His fingers wrapped around the hard plastic of one of the medicine bottles tight enough to hurt. Trowa couldn’t help but think of what might have been, if Chris had never kidnapped Duo and Heero, what the five of them would be doing right now and how, this alternate reality of Duo almost dying and Heero hating Trowa and himself would have passed them all by like a ghost in the night, never coming to mind. He quickly shook the depressing thought away and finished collecting the various things they had left in the bathroom.  
   
  
   
          _It had hurt, but then again, sex always hurt. No matter how careful his partner was, there was always that spark of pain, followed by a wave of humiliation, and Chris had never been careful with him. The pain had been excruciating, but in its own way, it had been kind of nice, because he was so used to it. It was true what they say, that even terrible things can become comfortably familiar. Even the way that he hadn’t been able to distinguish between his blood and Chris’ cum, was familiar. What they didn’t say, however, was that, just because something is familiar or comfortable, it didn’t make it any less terrible or wrong._  
 _Everything had felt like a skipping record, the same thing, repeating over and over. The smell of sex and blood in the air, Chris’ strong hands biting into his hips, his heavy body pushing into his own, smaller one, the sickening feeling of his large cock inside of him… thinking of these things made him feel ill, but they were things he had experienced since childhood, so, as terrible as they were, there were comforting, making him feel like he was falling into something dark and intangible, but warm._  
 _Then, just when he thought he was going to keep falling forever, he heard Heero’s screams, as shocking as a slap, terrible, yet also oddly comforting with their presence. If only he could tell Heero that…_  
   
   
   
          Duo’s eyes slowly opened as he awoke in confusion, not sure where he was or even what he had dreamt about, though he felt that it was something awful. The feeling of motion when he wasn’t actually moving told him where he was long before his eyes and body registered that he was still curled up against the car door. He still felt like he had been hit by a very large truck, so he hadn’t been asleep for very long. The sight that greeted him when he looked out the tinted window didn’t give him a lot of information, just that they were on a highway that was exactly like all highways, it was impossible to tell what state they were in. It was a struggle to keep his eyes open, but he chanced a quick look around the car. All of his friends were fast asleep, even Trowa, who had Quatre tucked against his side.  
          Duo smiled at the sight of the two lovers, feeling warmed and lonely at the same time. His body urged him to fall back asleep again, wanting to escape the pain for a bit longer, but he ignored it, not liking how out of it he felt.  
   
            
         _“I love you.”_   
   
   
          Duo quickly squeezed his eyes shut, curling up tighter so he was completely covered by Trowa’s jacket. No, he didn’t want to think about that right now. But… all those things he had tried so hard to bury deep inside of him were starting to bubble to the surface again and he knew it wouldn’t be very long before he would be forced to face the darkness that had almost consumed him not too long ago.  
          He didn’t want to think, didn’t want to dream, but there was a glaring thought that refused to be ignored anymore.  
          Wes had found him again. Not directly, but if he had wanted to come after him, himself, he could have and that terrified Duo. He had hoped, more than anything else he could hope for, that Wes was out of his life for good. Yes, he had some seriously conflicted feelings about Wes, he hated and loved the man with such intensity that it made him sick just to think about him, but he couldn’t deny the man was seriously bad for him and it was a good thing that Wes wasn’t around him anymore. Yes, he knew that Wes would always be in his thoughts up until the day he died, no matter how hard he tried to forget him, but he had hoped he would be able to hide from his monster of a guardian in the safety of his new life.  
          The one thing that this trip had shown him, more than his weakness, helplessness, and how he had put everything he loved in jeopardy, was that, no matter where he went, no matter how far he ran or how deeply he hid, Wes would always be there. With that unsettling thought, Duo fell back asleep.    
  
End Part 12  
  



	33. Surgery Part 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys finally arrive back home. Consumed by guilt over their kidnapping, Heero and Duo begin to distance themselves from each other. Duo becomes plagued by nightmares that he has trouble discerning from reality.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 13            
  
   
          Unknown by the boys, Name broke the same speed traffic laws returning home as she had leaving it and managed to get them all back in Maine by seven p.m. By that time, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei had woken up, though Heero and Duo were still sleeping, and Wufei gave Name directions to his house. He had no idea what he was going to tell his parents about why he was back so early, and he was hesitant about leaving Duo, but the sight of his humble little grey house with the bright red shutters and the deep green mailbox he had hated when he had first saw it and now secretly loved was the most wonderful thing he could think of. He told himself that he was being stupid, he wasn’t hurt or emotionally scarred, so he shouldn’t want to see his parents this badly, but the feeling refused to fade.  
          Trowa and Quatre felt the same way when they reached the Yuy’s house, though neither had parents to greet them. For the first time in a very long time, Quatre missed his father. Trowa vowed to call his sister, the only real family he had left, though he didn’t know if it was out of pure jealousy of watching Wufei’s mother hug him tightly in their driveway, or because this trip had brought out such feelings of want and nostalgia in him.  
          “Heero, time to wake up,” Name nudged her son awake. Heero was instantly awake and alert and it saddened Name when she realized, subconsciously, Heero was still in that blasted room, ready to fight for his and Duo’s lives. She turned to watch Trowa wake Duo up in the same manner, though it took longer for Duo’s eyes to open. Name smirked at the half-lidded, kittenish look Duo gave Trowa, like a little kid that had been woken for school.   
          “We’re home,” Trowa told him softly. The relieved smile Duo’s sleepy expression turned into was beatific and he eagerly looked out the window, as though he didn’t quite believe what Trowa was telling him.  
          Duo stayed put, even though he really wanted to just run into the house, as the other four left the car, Name opening the trunk to unpack the suitcases. Trowa watched Heero closely as the blue-eyed boy walked towards Duo’s door, only to pause. Quatre was also watching him and he saw how much Heero wanted to be the one to open the door and help Duo into the house, but he didn’t move. Quatre snorted, ready to force Heero to interact with Duo if he had to, but Trowa broke the stillness by being the one to open the door. Heero, as though he didn’t even realize his own hesitation, glared at Trowa’s back as the tall boy helped Duo into the large jacket.  
          “It’s cold,” Trowa warned, “but you don’t seem to be shaking anymore.”  
          “I feel a little bit better,” Duo admitted, letting Trowa and Quatre help him out of the car. He stumbled once his feet met the pavement of the driveway and Heero tensed, ready to come running if Duo looked like he was about to fall. With Quatre and Trowa holding an arm, Duo managed to right himself quickly.  
          “Do you want Trowa to carry you, honey?” Name asked as she dragged the last suitcase out of the trunk. Duo shook his head. He didn’t know if it was the medicine, food, or sleep, but he was no longer shaking and he felt that he could actually walk without falling on his face. He was nowhere near ready to run or do jumping jacks, but walk over to the door and up to his room he was sure he could manage.  
          “I want to try it on my own,” he told her. Name studied him for a few seconds, then turned to Trowa.  
          “Alright. Trowa, help me with the suitcases,” she ordered. Between the four remaining boys, there were four suitcases and a duffle bag that the two of them managed to maneuver towards the door. Heero tried to take Duo’s suitcase from his mother, but she shooed him away.  
          Duo quickly realized in walking up the path to the front door that, while he could walk under his own power, he had to go very slowly and carefully as he fought through waves of weakness, especially in his lower body. Quatre kept a comforting hand on Duo’s back, but let him walk on his own with Heero trailing behind them like a silent guard or a protective dog.  
          As Duo took his first, shaky steps into the front hallway, he paused and took a deep breath, breathing in the familiar smells of his home, the light, floral aroma of the roses on the hallway table, the comforting, heavier smells of his cats, even the almost not-there smells of cleanliness and wood. He felt that chunk of fear and cold hopelessness that had been gripping his heart since he had come to in that damn, abandoned room give away and he fought the urge to just collapse in the hallway. He had believed that he would never see this wonderful place again, yet here he was. After almost dying, after running away, after being help captive by Wes and having to stay in the hospital for so long, he had come home time after time. If it was true that Wes would always be in his life, could it also be true that he would always return to this house?   
          Duo shivered in utter joy at that thought and continued towards the steps. He felt Quatre’s hand leave him as the blonde went to help Name get the suitcases to the stairs. Duo made it up two steps before a tremor of weakness went down his lower back to his right leg. The attack was so sudden, he didn’t have the time to grab the railing or even cry out for help before he felt himself falling. Suddenly, a strong chest was pressed against his back and an equally strong arm wrapped around his waist, keeping him from falling further, his knees saved from hitting the steps. He knew, right when he felt that chest and that arm, who had saved him, but when he twisted his head around, he still felt inexplicably shocked to find deep blue eyes staring back at him. Heat blossomed in his chest. His heart wanted to revel in the warmth of Heero’s body against his, wanted to cry with how good it felt, to actually feel him, alive and comforting, just like always. His body, on the other hand, flinched from Heero once more, his mind bombarded with images of his blood on Heero’s skin, tainting him.  
          Heero wanted to pull Duo closer to him, to hug him and protect him, but the flinch prevented him from doing it. Duo still didn’t want him touching him and Heero’s heart felt torn in two. It screamed at him to let go, because that was what Duo wanted him to do, but at the same time, was too scared to do it in case Duo ended up hurt. This time, in such a precarious position, Heero couldn’t give Duo space for his own safety. Was it so wrong that he, greedily, was glad about that?  
          “Baka,” Heero growled. Duo looked away from him, ashamed. He had no idea what that word meant, but Heero sounded so upset, and Duo just knew he had let him down again. Looking after him, after all that had happened, had to be a chore for Heero, but Duo felt lost for words, stuck somewhere between “thank you” and “sorry”.  
          ‘Baka!’ Heero’s thoughts repeated the word. He was a complete and total _idiot_! Just because Duo didn’t want him around didn’t mean Heero should completely separate himself from his friend. Duo needed him in more ways that one, whether he would acknowledge it or not and by distancing himself this way, he had not only put more responsibility on his mother and friends, he had put Duo in danger, _again_. Was he doomed to repeat the same mistakes with Duo over and over?  
          “Duo!” Quatre cried out when he saw what had happened and they all came running.  
          “I’ve got him!” Heero snapped.  
          “Heero-,” Duo started to apologize.  
          “Quiet,” Heero grumbled, sure that Duo was going to demand him to leave him alone, “I’m carrying you. You can walk when we’re off the steps.”  
          The two boys missed Quatre’s relieved look at Heero finally interacting with Duo again, even in agitation. Heero picked Duo up like Trowa had in the abandoned hotel and cradled him in his arms. Duo felt the comforting heat he always felt when he was near Heero and he closed his eyes, relaxing in Heero’s hold. It seemed like every thought he had was screaming at him that he had no business enjoying Heero’s touch. His guilt ate at him, demanding him to ask Trowa for his help instead, but for something that was wrong, it felt so right. He didn’t care about his thoughts or his guilt, in this moment, he just wanted to be held by the boy he loved. Couldn’t he have that one, little thing?  
          Name watched them carefully as Heero brought Duo to his room, afraid that Heero had a concussion and would end up dropping Duo, but he never did. Despite what he had said, Heero didn’t put Duo down once they got to the top of the stairs and he carried him into his bedroom. With his eyes closed, Heero wondered if Duo was sleeping and hoped that he was. It was nice, being able to touch Duo without that damned flinch, or the disgust and hesitation in his pretty, violet eyes. However, when they got to his bedroom, Duo’s eyes slowly opened and Heero knew, with a great deal of regret, that Duo wouldn’t allow him to carry him anymore.  
          Everything in his room was so exactly like he left it that Duo was shocked when Name turned on the light. He didn’t know exactly why he was so shocked, but he was. Maybe it was because it felt like it had been a huge amount of time since he had been in this room. He didn’t even care about his shock, he just wanted to revel in all the things about this room that he had been longing for. He could already feel Boston fading around the edges in his memory, the gaps filled with his room and his house as more _real_.  
          As Heero helped Duo back onto his feet, Shiva, who had been napping on the bed with Toby, Shei, and Sammy, jumped down and padded over to Duo, looking as excited as any cat could. She twined around his legs, rubbing against him and purring very loudly. Toby watched all this from the bed, his tail twitching eagerly at the sight of his owner. Duo seemed to completely light up at the sight of his cats. Heero was scared that Duo would try to bend down and pick Shiva up, so he grabbed the black cat before Duo could move and handed her to him. The smile on Duo’s face was all Heero needed to forget both his headache and his anger.  
          “Hi, there, sweetheart,” Duo cooed, stroking his cat’s back. Shiva mewed at him and butted her head against his chin affectionately. Heero put a hand on Duo’s back, propelling him towards the bed, not wanting Duo to stand on his obviously weak legs anymore. As Duo sat on the bed, Toby and Sammy swarmed him, eager to snuggle with him. Shei awoke and seemed to realize that something was happening and stumbled towards Duo, who picked her up in one hand.     
          “How has she been?” he asked Name as she brought in his duffle bag and suitcase. She smiled at the sight of the tiny black kitten chewing happily on any finger she could reach.  
          “She’s eating solid food very well, but she cries at night if someone isn’t with her,” she told him, unzipping the duffle bag and suitcase, starting to put away his clean clothes.  
          “You don’t have to do that,” Duo insisted.  
          “Yes I do,” Name said with a smile, “ _You_ have to sleep,” she looked at Quatre and Trowa, who were trying to find some way of helping out, “You two are excused. You can take a nap or help me with dinner if you’re looking for something to do,” her sharp eyes fell on Heero, who was watching Duo pet Shei’s tiny, pointed ears with a soft look, “and _you_ are going to bed, too.”  
          Heero glared at her, but didn’t protest. The nap in the car hadn’t done very much to make him feel less tired and he didn’t feel up to arguing with anyone. The cats jumped off Duo’s lap as Quatre and Trowa approached him. Duo put Shei down on his pillow as Quatre hugged him briefly.   
          “Get better,” he urged in a heartbroken voice. Duo hugged him back, glowering a little when Trowa ruffled his hair.  
          “Night,” he bade them. He felt a strange pang in his chest when he watched them leave, the two lovers holding hands and whispering to each other. Heero followed them, but paused at the door.   
          “Good night, Duo,” he murmured, disappearing before Duo could respond. A turbulent sadness filled Duo’s heart and he had to blink away tears. Name stood from where she had been putting clothes into the dresser and sat next to Duo on the bed, helping him out of Trowa’s jacket.  
          “We’ll help you shower, if you need, when you wake up, and I’ll make you some nice tomato soup,” she soothed. Duo nodded, but seemed trapped in his own, miserable world. Name caught his broken, depressed expression and turned to envelope him in a careful, loving hug. Duo’s eyes widened slightly at her sudden display of comfort and affection. He felt her long fingers stroking his mussed hair and he hugged her back just as tightly, pressing his face into the soft curve of her shoulder. She still loved him, he realized. Sure, she had brought him back home and spoken softly to him, but he had never been able to fully trust another person’s words. Words, in his world, often turned out to be sweet-sounding lies, but what another person _did_ to you was almost always the truth and Name’s impassioned hug felt more reassuring than her words ever could.  
          “I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” she murmured to him, “I thought you would be safe… I never should have let you go…”   
          Duo’s fingers gripped Name’s top as he heard the guilt in her voice, panicked to realize that she really did blame herself for his mistakes.  
          “No,” he protested, “you couldn’t have known something bad was going to happen! You don’t know Wes or Chris, I should have told you what they would resort to, that Heero might be in danger. What happened was _my_ fault, it should have been me, just _me_ , not Heero!”  
          Name let go of him, cupping his face in her hands to look him in his teary eyes.  
          “No, Duo,” she said gently, “I’ve said this dozens of times, and even if I have to say it hundreds more, I will, it wasn’t your fault, not any of it. I knew what Wes was like when you told me what he had done to you. And don’t you ever say that it should have been you! It shouldn’t have been either of you!”   
          “But aren’t you angry that I put Heero in danger?” Duo demanded.  
          “I’m angry at Chris for kidnapping my son, but I’m just as upset that you were involved. Heero made a choice to be your friend and he knew exactly the danger that entailed. I don’t blame you anymore than I blame him for not being more careful, for not sticking with your friends,” Name told him. Duo’s eyes widened as though the thought that Heero could have even a tiny bit of blame in this had never occurred to him.  
          “I don’t blame you, Duo. I will never blame you,” she repeated, wiping away the tears that were spilling down Duo’s cheeks at her words, “I’m just so sorry we couldn’t protect you like we had promised.”  
          “You couldn’t have protected me from him,” Duo told her, “if Wes wanted to, he could take me from school or work. You guys can’t be with me every second. Besides, up until that point, I had a lot of fun in Boston. I’m glad you let me go… but Heero…”  
          Name shook her head.  
          “Don’t worry yourself sick about Heero. I’m sure he’s glad he went, too, especially if he knows you had fun,” she tried to assure him. Duo thought that what fun they did have couldn’t have been worth the heartache they had all suffered, and surely Heero knew that, too. But the trip had taught him, through meeting Amaaya and Chris again, that he couldn’t hide who he was and, sooner or later, Wes was going to come for him until he got what he wanted. The man would never give up, he didn’t have it in him to. So… if what had happened was inevitable, maybe the fun he had had in Boston _was_ worth it.  
          “I’m not the only one that needs protection anymore. Chris mentioned that Heero is a threat, too, and if Wes thinks that, then _all_ of my friends could be in danger!” Duo realized in a panic. What in hell had he gotten all of them into? Was he destined to lose everything he loved? If that was the case, he should just give up before anymore terrible things happened! Maybe if he bargained himself, willingly, for his friends’ lives, then…  
          Name saw the panic and surrender in Duo’s eyes and felt fear stab her heart, not wanting to know exactly what he was thinking of doing. She grabbed his shoulders, bringing him out of his dark thoughts.  
          “I won’t let anything happen to any of you,” she promised with conviction, “That includes you. Your life is just as important to me as my son’s. I’m not about to let that bastard get to you without a fight!” she kissed his forehead, brushing his bangs out of his face. Duo felt a bit of the darkness gripping his heart lift. He knew what Wes was capable of, he had witnessed more of the terrible things the man was willing to do than he would ever admit to _anyone_ , but he also wanted to believe in Name, wanted to believe in her words more than anyone else he had ever met. He knew what a dangerous road he was going down, in more ways than one, but couldn’t help but to surrender to the only adult that had ever loved him.  
          “I’m glad I’m home,” he murmured out loud. Name smiled tenderly at him.  
          “I’m glad you’re home, too. Now, let’s get you into bed,” she soothed. Duo let her help him into bed. It made him feel like a little kid, but the feeling was far from bad. She pressed one final kiss to his cheek.  
          “Good night, sweetheart,” she said softly.  
          “Good night… Name,” Duo choked over her name as he realized how dangerously close he had come to calling her “Mom”. It nagged at him, but he didn’t want to think or worry over it right now. Name turned on the orb and shut the door half way. He didn’t know if she realized he couldn’t handle a closed room, so soon after escaping one that had almost been his death place, but he was grateful, no matter her reasons.  
          Duo carefully, and slowly, rolled over onto his side, making room for Shiva, who curled up against his chest. He preferred sleeping on his stomach, but his abdomen hurt too much and it was too uncomfortable to sleep on his back. As Sammy and Toby curled up on the pillow near Duo’s head, Shei stumbled towards him and rubbed her head against his neck. He scratched the top of her head and smiled at the low purr she gave him and how she fell limp in relaxation. He knew the feeling. Climbing up the steps had taken a lot out of Duo, something that he had been too ashamed about to tell anyone, considering that he hadn’t made it halfway up them before someone had to help him. So, while he felt relaxed because he was finally _home_ , and everything was familiar and comforting, he was dead tired again. He felt like he was sliding backwards. If climbing the steps was enough to wipe him out and make the pain come back, how was he going to handle school in just a few days?  
          He didn’t want anyone to know what had happened, not even Treize or Une. He was so used to being ignored when he had glaringly obvious injuries, but now that he was Heero’s ‘best friend’, if he acted strange at all, rumors about him would fly even more than usual. There were still some people who believed he was Heero’s personal whore, and as much as those rumors angered him, he knew they weren’t going to die very quickly.  
          Duo sighed heavily and continued to pet Shei, who had fallen asleep, her bad leg tucked against her body, but not looking as badly as it had the last time he had seen her. She was still tiny, but he could feel her little heart beating under his fingers. It would be so easy… to dote on the sick cat, to use her to forget his current demons. She was alive and warm, and loved him without understanding his guilt towards Heero. What he really wanted was Heero, but he couldn’t even reach out to him. Heero didn’t need him, he didn’t even want him, but Shei did. But… did he really want to turn the helpless kitten into a mere distraction? Did he want to be reminded of his painful heartache every time he looked at her? He just wanted to forget the last twenty-four hours… but no matter how hard he tried, his thoughts kept trailing back to it and how, if he didn’t have warm, living things near him, he would have started to cry again.  
   
  
   
          Right after tucking Duo into bed, Name walked to the next room over to check up on her son. Duo might have thought his act had fooled her into thinking he was going to be fine, but she knew better. She saw the exhaustion and weariness in his eyes and could only hope that being back home really would do him some good. She still felt like she was in shock from what had happened. The thought that something like this could happen had occurred to her, but to have it actually happen… The thing was, any mother would have blamed Duo for almost getting Heero killed. It really wasn’t his fault, but shouldn’t her maternal instincts make her irrational and emotional right now?  
          But she did feel emotional and irrational, just not towards Heero. That she was angrier at Chris for touching Duo than threatening her son’s life told her just how much she cared for the boy and where those emotional instincts were focused. She was terrified and enraged that her baby had been put in that situation, but the physical evidence was obvious on Duo’s skin, she couldn’t deny that. Not with the vivid cut on his throat.  
          Name opened her son’s door and quietly stepped inside. All the lights were off, but the fading sunlight was still coming through the window. Heero was lying on his side, his back to her, but his breathing was deep and low and she didn’t want to risk waking him if he really was asleep, though she doubted he had fallen asleep so quickly. She sighed softly. She had really wanted to talk to him before he went to bed. She knew that he was hiding from her, and that hurt. Sure, he had never been the sort of child that openly told her everything, but what had happened was huge and she had hoped he would confide in her his fears, as well as why he was being so cold towards Duo, who certainly needed him now more than ever. Surely Heero didn’t blame Duo? She couldn’t imagine him being that shallow, especially after the last and only time he had blamed him for anything…  
          Name closed the door as quietly as she could behind her and walked down to the kitchen. Quatre and Trowa were already sitting at the table, drinking tea and coffee. She poured herself a cup, black. God knew she needed the caffeine. Quatre smiled at her as she sat down at the table, but it was thin and tired.  
          “Did Duo fall asleep?” Trowa asked her. Name shook her head.  
          “I left before he did,” she told him.  
          “He’s having trouble sleeping,” Trowa mentioned, “When we were waiting for you, I left him alone to take a nap, but he couldn’t sleep.”  
          “Maybe he was too anxious, or in too much pain,” Quatre suggested, “he had no problem sleeping in the car.”  
          “I’ll check on him in a little while,” she assured Trowa, “He’s a little emotional, not that I blame him, but I think he’s too tired not to sleep. Now, which one of you wants to tell me what’s going on with Heero?”  
          Quatre blushed darkly while Trowa quickly looked away from Name.  
          “I’m not sure what happened between them,” Quatre said softly, “Duo doesn’t seem to want Heero to touch him and Heero is so angry…”  
          “They both blame themselves for what happened,” Trowa theorized, “And they both think that the other blames them, so they’re hurt and distancing from each other.”  
          “That sounds like them,” Name mused, “but they’re both too stubborn to admit how they feel.”  
          That statement was true and ironic, Trowa had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. Name was right about Duo and Heero being too stubborn to admit their feelings, in more than just one way.  
          “So, you’re saying we’ll have to… what? Intervene? Force them to talk to each other?” Quatre asked, “Can we really do that? If they don’t take it upon themselves to fix things, it won’t be genuine and I don’t want to make them feel like they’ve done something wrong.”  
          “Quatre’s right,” Trowa added, “We don’t know for sure what’s wrong and if we try to drag them together before they’re ready, they’ll just get defensive and fight against us, they might even stop trusting us.”  
          “So what do you think we should do?” Name asked him, wondering how Trowa had become so intune with Heero and Duo’s relationship in such a short time, or how, if that understanding had been there for a long time, she had missed it.  
          “Give them time,” the tall boy advised, “What happened is still too vivid. Duo was just raped, they both almost died, they need to deal with those things before they can focus on fixing their friendship.”  
          Name took a sip of her coffee, watching Quatre give Trowa a tired, worried look, seeming overwhelmed by Trowa’s suggestion, the need to fix things too deeply ingrained in the blonde to easily step aside.  
          ‘Heero and Duo aren’t the only ones who need to heal,’ she thought sadly.  
   
  
   
          Heero opened his eyes and rolled onto his back when he heard his mother close his door and walk downstairs. He stared up at his ceiling, which was plastered with sunlight and long shadows. He, briefly, felt guilty about faking sleep, just so he didn’t have to talk to her, but he didn’t want to talk to anyone right now, _especially_ his mother, who would no doubt drag the truth out of him.  
          He needed time to himself, he needed time to think things through, without anyone trying to make him feel ‘better’. Duo didn’t trust him anymore, he had failed him and had let terrible things happen to him. He needed to _make_ things better, not be told false, sweetly reassuring platitudes.  
          Heero rolled back onto his side, feeling restless. He wished that he could hear Duo through the wall that separated their rooms. If he couldn’t touch him, he wanted some other evidence that he was fine, that he was safe. It was hard to believe that, even though he _knew_ it.  
          He was so tired, all the worries and stresses of the last twenty-four hours hadn’t ebbed a bit, yet while all those things were tiring, they also kept him wired and awake. He felt like he had so long ago, when he had been so angry at Duo and had thought the worst of him staying awake, unable to sleep, overwhelmed by his conflicting feelings for Duo. He covered his eyes with his hands, digging in his palms. He faintly wished that his mother had stayed. He didn’t want to talk, but he felt lonely. Angel and Cotton were sleeping in their corner of the room that they had claimed and they looked so strange curled up there, considering the turmoil he was going through with their owner.  
          Heero suddenly understood Duo’s unique connection to his cats. He understood his need to be loved, to confide in another living creature, but unable or unwilling to reach out to people. People were complicated and often unsympathetic, they could lie when all you wanted was the truth, but the cats were affectionate and incapable of judging him for what he felt. If Cotton and Angel had been awake, Heero was sure he would have broken down and indulged in the urge to let everything in his heart out, but they weren’t, so he simply staid awake, searching vainly for sleep, staring out of his window, though night had blanketed anything outside that might have given him comfort.  
  
  
  
    The darkness had returned, only it wasn’t the same. Instead of the complete blackness Duo was used to, the dark had given way to terrible, leering shadows and small flashes of sight, detailed enough to be frightening, but too dim to give any sense of surety. Blackness would have been kinder, it would have made him blind, but as he tried to stare through the shadows, he was sure that he didn’t want to see. Everything else had remained the same. He couldn’t move, though instead of lying flat on a bed, he was now sitting on a hard floor, his back against something made of cold, hard metal and uncomfortable. He could smell sex and blood in the air, just like always, but now it seemed wrong, like there was something he was missing.  
    Duo lifted his head and looked through the shadows and dim light. He could see Chris and Heero, and as though he had been expecting them to be there, he was surprised, though they seemed wrong to him, too. The more he tried to pin down that wrongness, inexplicably, the more the dimness lifted. A severe coldness filled Duo’s still body as he saw that Chris was thrusting into Heero’s body and he finally realized what was wrong. The smell of blood and sex didn’t belong to him, and that thought alone was too impossible to consider, let alone that it might belong to Heero. The wet sounds of sex and pain were disgusting to him to listen to, but he discovered that he couldn’t scream as well as move.  
    It had to be terrible for Heero, Duo thought, his thoughts flashing a shocked gray in horror and rage. He knew the feeling first hand, knew how terrible it really felt to be violated, but Heero wasn’t making a sound. The light, as though it had heard his thoughts and knew it had a role to play, showed him one last, horrible detail; Heero’s throat was slashed, his front covered in blood, his eyes wide, unseeing, and Duo knew that if he could look down at himself, he would find that his throat had been cut, too.  
  
  
  
    Duo jerked awake, panting, his heart pounding violently in his chest like a wild animal trying to escape a cage. The sheets were tangled in his legs, his face flushed with exertion, and Shiva had abandoned her peaceful spot by his chest to sit on the bed a few inches away, staring at him warily. Duo squeezed his eyes shut, but the image of Heero’s dead, violated body refused to leave him. Unlike so many of his other nightmares, this one was stubborn and strong, not fading, but remaining vivid, detailed, and sickening. The smell of sex and death lingered in the air, only because of his screwed up imagination, but that only made it more powerful.  
    The image of Chris’ large, thrusting cock buried inside of his best friend hit him suddenly, almost like a physical blow, and Duo’s stomach lurched, bile rising in his throat. The feeling in his stomach was so unpleasant and violent, he quickly rolled out of bed, somehow miraculously landing on his feet, and ran, almost stumbling, to his bathroom. Shiva, though cautious after the way Duo had been tossing and turning in his sleep, jumped off the bed and followed after him.  
    With a shaky hand, Duo hit the light switch in the bathroom as he passed it in a rush. He barely made it to the toilet before the pain in his ass and lower back flared back to life at his careless movements and he fell jarringly to his knees on the cold tile, all the strength drained from his legs. His black cat watched in concern as Duo retched, his stomach convulsing painfully. All Duo had to throw up was a few pizza slices and several bottles of water, so he dry heaved uncomfortably for a few minutes before his exhausted body finally had enough and he slumped against the toilet, the cool floor feeling like ice on his bare skin. His entire body shook as Duo flushed the toilet and collapsed against the wall with absolutely no strength left, his chest heaving in exertion. He tried to get control over himself, but it seemed impossible, like he was still in shock.  
    “Fuck,” Duo raped, his throat tight and sore from vomiting. Shiva mewed at him, somehow sounding worried, and crawled into his lap, her head pushing at his slack hand. Duo hugged her loosely, taking a small bit of comfort when she rubbed against his neck, his body still shuddering and shivering in the aftermath of the terrible nightmare.  
    “I just won’t sleep anymore,” he murmured to himself, “If I don’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time, I can’t dream.”  
    Shiva’s piercing gold eyes peered up at Duo and seemed accusing to him.  
    “It’s just for a little while,” he defended himself to his cat, “Just until I get over… this. I can’t have that dream again, Shiv’, I just can’t.”  
    “Myew,” Shiva responded, her ears pressed flat against her head as though she understood what Duo was telling her and didn’t like it at all. Duo closed his eyes, his fingers stroking his cat’s soft fur, and waited for the feeling to return to his legs. But, even when he could move again, standing proved to be harder than he had thought it would be. In just a few, stumbling steps, he felt something inside pull, followed quickly by an intense, white hot pain in his anus and he instantly felt warm blood trickle down his legs as the sudden movement opened his wounds again. A few drops splattered onto the white floor, but the blood was thin and stopped almost as quickly as it had started, which he thought was a good sign.  
    Biting back a hiss, Duo grabbed one of the hanging towels, took off his clothes, and cleaned himself off. It wasn’t easy at all. His body was still shaking in pain and weakness and he almost fell over a few times, but he managed to wipe all the blood away and stay on his feet, another sign he was starting to heal. Still, Duo couldn’t help but wonder if the constant shaking was because of his injuries, or his current nightmares. Shiva followed her owner as he uneasily walked back into his bedroom, tossing the bloody towel into the hamper. Duo knew that Name would find it in the morning and be worried, but he was too tired to try to hide or clean it.  
    Putting on clean clothes was much harder than taking his dirty ones off, but the loose shorts and long t-shirt he chose made him feel more comfortable. He winced as he sat back down on his bed and he had to lie down to make the worst of his pain subside, Shiva took her place back on his chest, purring loudly as he hugged her almost desperately.  
    Duo ran his fingers along Shiva’s spine, trying to root himself down in the feel of her warm fur, but it seemed useless. It felt like everything was closing in around him and he was panicking, unable to get a grip on anything solid. It was all too much like that first time; the pain, the isolation, even the black cat in his arms, his only companion, and he found himself drowning, fighting so hard to keep those terrible memories from dragging him under, into the dark and cold of his past. Had he dragged Heero there as well? He couldn’t stop thinking about that, about the damage he had done, about the horrors he had subjected his family to. He couldn’t do this, he realized. He couldn’t exist in that darkness all alone anymore, he didn’t have the strength. But he couldn’t exit with Heero down at his level, either. Seeing him there would just about hill his sanity. What was left of it, anyway.  
    Duo suddenly found himself staring at the screen of his cell phone, though he didn’t remember grabbing it and flipping it open. It was so odd, looking at it and realizing that the small piece of technology had saved his and Heero’s lives, especially considering he had been so hesitant to have one. Duo realized that, in his daze, he had opened his contact list and was looking right at Amaaya’s name and number.  
    Seeing his old friend’s information felt like an accusation to him. In seeing her, he had felt like he had accomplished something special. She had reminded him of how hard he had had it and how good he had things now, in finding a loving family with Name and Heero. But, having Chris hurt him so easily and feeling so distant from Heero, Duo felt like he was failing her, just like everyone else. It felt like, all those things he had accomplished and had felt proud of had been cheapened. She had been proud of him, of both of them, for escaping their old lives. Remembering how happy she had been of her own freedom, and how he had ruined his and the lives of his new friends, made Duo feel ashamed of himself.  
    Amaaya had told him that he could call her at any time, if he needed to talk, and if there was any time when he needed to talk to her, it was now. He felt like he needed to step back and look at everything that had happened objectively, but he was too close to what he was feeling to do that. Amaaya was his friend, but she wouldn’t coddle him if he didn’t want her to, she would be able to see what was wrong where none of them could. But mostly, he just wanted to hear a familiar voice, someone who could tell him he hadn’t fucked things up permanently, someone who could help him fight off that sickening nightmare…  
    Duo’s finger hovered over the ‘send’ button. She believed in him… it was such an odd concept, having so many people suddenly believe in him when he had such a hard time doing it, himself. He had made good, normal friends, had tried to get an education, had tried, if only for a little while, to escape the dangerous life of being a whore. Amaaya had seen that and had believed he could do it, that, for some reason, he deserved to try, that he was better than the rest of them and really could pull himself out of the gutter. In turn, she had started to believe in herself as well and she had succeeded. He didn’t want her to lose that fait in either of them. He knew what was important. It was the same thing that he had always believed was important; no matter how much he was hurting, no matter how tired he got, how hard it was to look his friends in the eye, he had to pretend that everything was fine, that nothing was wrong. If he could just make everyone believe that, then maybe he could make himself believe it. At the very least, he would be able to assuage everyone else’s anxieties and fears if not his own. But…  
    There was nothing worse than being alone. He didn’t want to be that way anymore, didn’t want to cower in the dark when, all alone, there were people who could help him, if he just dared to reach out and ask for it. If only he could ask for it now… Duo hit the button and heard the ringing on the other end, once… twice… He could ask for help, right? So why did it feel less like looking for help and more like he was searching for someone to pull under with him? A slight pulling on his hair shook him out of his thoughts, almost startling him. He turned his head and smiled as he saw Shei batting at the end of his braid like it was a cat toy before pouncing on it and wrapping her body around the heavy length of hair. Duo closed his phone and put it back on the bedside table.  
    “Silly,” he murmured affectionately, gently prying the kitten off his braid and placed her on his chest next to the larger black cat, kissing the top of her head. He didn’t think about calling Amaaya again. He was too ashamed to talk to her anyway. He closed his eyes in tiredness, but he didn’t fall back asleep, fighting against sleep with all his strength.   
  
  
  
    Duo staved off sleep until every shadow had been replaced by the dim light of very early morning. If it had been a school day, he might have made it, but he was utterly tired and drained, and he knew that no one was expecting him to get up early today, so he was stuck in bed until everyone else woke. It was in those early hours that he finally drifted off to sleep. Fighting to stay awake against his exhaustion, with only his dark, tired thoughts to keep him company had been hellish, but his dreams were just as bad, more horrific than physically and mentally taxing or difficult. When he woke up again, he knew right away that he had had another nightmare. Though he could not remember what he had dreamed about, unlike that other terrible dream, his heart was pounding and he was filled with a fearful, repulsive feeling, so he knew it was something he didn’t want to remember anyway.  
    Duo wasn’t quite sure what had woken him up, the nightmare, the light knocking on his door, or the feeling of a rough tongue licking his cheek. He immediately cursed himself for falling asleep when he had sworn he wouldn’t, but he realized how much he needed those hours of sleep as he felt a little steadier and alert this morning. It seemed almost absurd to wake up in his room when his near-death experience in Boston loomed over him and his mind seemed to still be in that hotel room. He wondered how long it would be before those feelings faded.  
    Duo opened his eyes at the light licking and saw golden eyes looking down at him.  
    “Can I help you?” he murmured sleepily. Shiva mewed at him, rubbing her head against his cheek, then jumped off the bed.  
    “Duo?” he heard Quatre say from the other side of his bedroom door.  
    “Come in!” he called back, throwing back his covers to sit on the edge of his bed. The move hurt, which he had expected, but it didn’t tire him out, which surprised him. He really did feel better, he realized. His body still hurt, but he wasn’t as… hollow as he had been yesterday, which he thought of as a good sign and it made him feel emotionally better as well.  
    Quatre was all smiles as he came into the bedroom. That was one thing that always bothered Duo about Quatre, he could never tell if he was lying or not, including his facial expressions. He didn’t know if Quatre was just honest, he only smiled when he was happy and frowned when he was upset, or if he was just so good at hiding that Duo, who had gotten used to reading people in order to survive, couldn’t tell.  
    “Good morning,” the blonde said in a chipper tone. Duo wished he could wake up like that sometime.  
    “Morning,” he said softly.  
    “How are you feeling?” Quatre asked, kneeling down to pet Sammy, who was sitting faithfully at Duo’s feet and staring at Quatre distrustfully. Toby, who was usually the most alert, just seemed bored by the blonde boy’s presence as he lay on the pillows on the bed.  
    “Better,” Duo admitted.  
    “Name’s making breakfast and she thought you could use a shower,” Quatre told him, almost cautiously.  
    “I could,” Duo said with a small nod, “but I think I can manage on my own today.”  
    Quatre’s smile fell and Duo saw that the blonde had been anticipating, though clearly not looking forward to, a fight.  
    “I don’t want anyone to worry and I’m sure of my strength, yet, though, so you can stand outside the shower, if you want. I’d just rather I did everything on my own,” Duo quickly amended, blushing a little at the thought of Quatre helping him undress. When Heero had done it that one time, he had thought he would die of embarrassment, and he had been out of it at the time. However, Quatre quickly perked up at his words, which made Duo so relieved, he wondered if he would have let him undress him just to make him not look so upset.  
    “Ok,” Quatre agreed, stepping back to let Duo try standing on his own, though he watched him like a hawk. He remembered what had happened on the stairs yesterday, how easily Duo had fallen and how terrified he had been in thinking that no one would be able to get to him in time. Duo looked a lot better compared to yesterday, but Quatre wasn’t about to give Duo the opportunity to hurt himself again. He couldn’t help but think of how weak and sick Duo had been, so when the long haired stood and walked over to his dresser to collect some clean clothes without a single falter, Quatre felt relieved.  
    He still held the door open for him and closed it behind them, though Shiva tried to follow and let out a small growl of irritation when the door closed. Duo never kept her out of the bathroom. She didn’t mind the water, but he gave the best pets when he was relaxing in the tub and, since Duo was acting so strange, she wanted to keep an eye on him. She yowled again, but the door didn’t open, so she sat by the doorway, her long, black tail twitching anxiously.  
    For a paranoid moment, Duo was sure that there would be some sort of evidence of last night’s panic attack, but everything looked normal. He vowed that he would wash his clothes from yesterday himself so Name wouldn’t find out. He was glad that Quatre hadn’t asked him why he was wearing different clothes this morning, he didn’t think he could come up with an explanation that wouldn’t sound strange. He put his clean clothes on the toilet, in reach of the shower, and felt momentarily guilty about keeping the truth from Quatre, but he quickly dismissed it. Telling the truth would only make the blonde worry needlessly, so what would be the point? Duo turned on the water and turned to look at Quatre, who was staring at him intently. Duo waited for him to turn around so he could get dressed, but the blonde didn’t move.  
    “You know you have to turn around eventually, right?” Duo said dryly, “I know we’re both guys, but I’m not really all that comfortable about getting naked when you’re staring at me.”  
    Quatre blushed to the roots of his fair hair, giving him the look of a tomato that had been out in the bright sunlight for so long, its leaves had become bleached.  
    “Sorry!” he stammered, then almost immediately sobered, continuing to stare, seeming to be immersed in his thoughts.  
    “Duo, I want to apologize,” he began. He wished he had done this yesterday, but he had spent all last night in a fretful sleep, rolling around the decision. Duo deserved an apology, but he had worried that it would make things worse instead of better. Truthfully, he didn’t think that any of them had slept well last night.  
    “Don’t,” Duo pleaded. He didn’t want to hear anymore apologies from people that hadn’t done anything wrong. Why couldn’t they see that all the blame rested on him?  
    “No, I want to say this!” Quatre insisted. He walked forward, placing his pale hands on Duo shoulders.  
    “I’m so terribly sorry for what happened,” Quatre started in a firm, but truly remorseful tone. If he took a moment to truly listen to himself, Quatre would have recognized the tone as one that his father used whenever a client caught a mistake and he needed to sound honest, but also in control and strong. It was one of the few attributes his father had that he still admired, which was saying something since it seemed like the more time that had passed since he had last seen his father, the more things he discovered that he had truly loathed about him.  
    “I never should have left you and Heero alone,” he continued, “that was irresponsible of me. I hadn’t been thinking logically! No matter my reasons for doing it, I put the two of you in jeopardy and there’s no excuse for that. I wish I had shown some common sense and had staid with you!”   
    “No!” Duo snapped, his eyes wide with fear, “Don’t you ever wish that!”   
    Quatre gave him a confused look.  
    “I’m glad you left us,” Duo confessed. For a moment, Quatre wondered if his silly little plan had worked and Heero had told Duo how he felt and that was why the two of them weren’t talking. But if that was the case, he realized, why would Duo be glad about it?  
    “Even if you had been there, it wouldn’t have stopped Chris,” Duo explained, “He would have just taken you, too, because he would have seen you as a threat. He would have tried to kill you, too, or-,” Duo’s face suddenly drained of color as a truly horrifying, disgusting thought came to him.  
    What if Chris had kidnapped Quatre, too? Would he have simply killed him, or would he consider the sweet, famous little blonde an offer too good to pass up? What if Chris would have made Quatre into Duo’s replacement, turning the pretty boy into nothing more than a whore, like he had been? The thought made him feel almost violently ill again. Hadn’t that been what his dream had been about?  
    The likelihood of something like that happening was tiny, though. A man like Chris would probably never keep a hold of someone as high profile as Quatre Raberba Winner, but there was that one haunting possibility… Chris had been so cocky in Boston, truly believing he would get away with murdering Heero Yuy, and if he believed that, what if he believed he could get away with turning Quatre into his and Wes’ next golden boy? It sickened him even further to think about the sort of men who would really be interested in buying Quatre’s body for a few hours, maybe even a full night. He knew those men well, the certain type that like pretty, little boys who looked like they could break with one well-placed slap, he knew men like that by the boat load. Or maybe it would have been worse than that. Maybe Chris would be so cocky, he would have advertised Quatre’s true identity and anyone who had a grudge against the Winner family, or just liked the idea of having control over a celebrity, would use him for rough sex, the sort of sex that Duo still had nightmares about.  
    Quatre looked at Duo worriedly as he shivered.  
    “I guess I shouldn’t be sorry, then,” Quatre conceded, “If I couldn’t have done anything to help, and in the end, you and Heero got out alive anyway. But I am still sorry about what happened, if not my guilt in it, and there’s nothing you can say to change that.”  
    Duo shrugged in acceptance, trying hard to get rid of his disturbing thoughts.  
    “Can you turn around now?” he tried to find his humorous tone again, but wasn’t finding anything funny at the moment. Quatre finally turned around and Duo got undressed, blushing as darkly as Quatre had. He was suddenly hit with a strong feeling of déjà vu and realized he had done this before, in the hospital with Heero on his last day before he had been released, though that felt like an eternity ago to him now.  
    The hot water felt heavenly on his bruises and dirty skin. Duo closed his eyes as he leaned his forehead against the wall, letting the water thoroughly soak him, weighing down his long hair. He instantly felt clean, even before he picked up the soap and started to wash himself. He easily could have stayed under the water for hours before moving, but with Quatre waiting for him, he hurried things along. After he finished his hair, he dared to lightly examine his entrance. Sure enough, he could feel the tears in the fragile skin there, but he had had much worse before and knew he would heal if he just gave himself a few days, but faced with an injury he had wanted to believe he would never have inflicted on him again, it seemed terrible, no matter how severe the actual injury was.  
    Quatre was still blushing when Duo got out of the shower, though Duo could only see it if he looked in the mirror as the blonde kept his back turned even as Duo got redressed. Quatre fidgeted, feeling odd that his friend was naked so close to him. If he was this flustered now, he didn’t even want to think how poorly he would have reacted if he had had to actually help Duo shower.   
    “Ready,” Duo announced. Quatre turned, catching Duo just finishing up his braid. He felt an odd pang of remorse, wishing he could have caught Duo with his hair down for once. He knew that it was something rare, without even asking Duo about it. He wondered if Heero had even seen it either.  
    Quatre had only ever seen long hair on girls and boys like Zechs Merquise, who wore their hair like they were princes and needed to be different from everyone else, turning their hair into stuck-up, shimmering banners. Duo’s hair was different and, Quatre was a little bit ashamed to say, he had been fascinated with it the moment he had met Duo. Duo’s hair made him look more like an elf, or another sort of earthly, wispy creature than a higher than air prince, something that looked completely natural, not like someone who needed to prove that they were more important than anyone else.  
    Quatre shook his head, clearing his thoughts. He had always known that Duo was different, hair or not. He was a soothing sort of person, who was easy to be a friend with, because you knew you never had to play act with him. Either he liked you or he didn’t, he had seen what people were really like and seemed incapable of judging, or at least, he was very capable of accepting anyone while looking through their bullshit, it was those qualities that made all the bad things that kept happening to Duo seem all the more terrible to Quatre.   
    Duo moved past Quatre and opened the bathroom door. Shiva was still sitting outside the door and rubbed against his legs happily.  
    “Hey, baby,” Duo cooed, kneeling down to pick up the black cat, petting her ears. Quatre smiled softly as he watched the other boy coddle his cat.  
    “She really is your favorite, isn’t she?” Quatre noted. Duo blinked at him and shrugged as Shiva curled up against his chest, relaxing in his familiar arms.  
    “I guess we’ve always had a connection,” Duo admitted, “With all my other cats, I had to work to gain their trust, but even when Shiva was a kitten, she spent more time with me than her mother or siblings. I love all my cats, but Shiva’s always been special to me,” Duo kissed the top of the cat’s head and she purred in response, “Let’s go get some breakfast, huh, girl?”  
    At the magical word of “breakfast”, Sammy practically shot off the bed and pawed at the door, making Quatre chuckle. He opened the door for the Bengal, who eagerly ran down the steps. Toby, who was much older and wiser than the young leopard-cat, simply followed Duo, matching stride for stride. Also unlike Sammy and Shiva, Toby ate a lot less of the cat food that was given to him. It wasn’t because he was older or picky, he had just been a feral cat for too long. That there was the promise of food for him was nice and he liked the taste, but he was a natural-born hunter and ate what he caught, which was more satisfying to him than being fed every meal. Shei was still sleeping and Duo needed to ask Name what she had been feeding her, so he left her alone.  
    Quatre and Duo could smell waffles while they were still on the stairs. It was a delightful smell, something that Duo had always loved, but today, he didn’t feel any sort of fondness for it. Truthfully, he didn’t feel hungry at all, which should have been strange. What little bit of food he had had, he had thrown up last night, so he should have been starving, but not only did he not feel like eating anything, his stomach wasn’t even growling. He wanted to be worried about it, but Trowa had said he shouldn’t have solid food for a few days anyway, so even if he really wanted waffles, he couldn’t have them.   
Trowa, Heero, and Name were already in the kitchen. Trowa and Name were finishing up with setting the table and, to Duo’s surprise, Heero was filling up the cats’ food and water bowls, a chore that had always been Duo’s. Heero sensed that he was being watched and looked up from his task, meeting Duo’s gaze. A heavy, tense silence filled the room. Duo’s tongue moved in his mouth, a familiar, friendly greeting perched on it, but it didn’t fall, remaining stagnant, audible only to him. Heero looked terrible, Duo thought, like he hadn’t slept at all and he was sure that that was his fault, too. He felt like it wasn’t just his words that were stagnant, but his entire being.  
    They should be moving forward from this, Duo realized, he should be moving forward. Instead, he felt lost, perpetually stuck in the same, terrible pace. Duo didn’t know who broke first, him or Heero, but they stopped looking at each other, Heero finishing with the bowls and Duo walking slowly, almost hesitantly, towards the kitchen table. Name let out a terse breath, as though she had been holding it in for a good, long while. She had hoped that, with a new day, the two boys would let go of whatever reason they had for avoiding each other. She should have known better, she realized, they were both too stubborn to do such a thing. Instead of scolding them for it, she hugged Duo tightly. Yesterday, when she had been on the road to Massachusetts, she had been sure she would get there only to find Heero and Duo dead. For now, she was just glad that the both of them were alive and healthy, for the most part.  
    “Good morning, honey,” she greeted, releasing Duo and smoothing his wet bangs from his eyes, “You look much better this morning.”  
    “I feel a lot better,” he told her. His spirits felt lifted just by her presence.  
    “Good,” she said, “I want you to relax today. I made you some cream of wheat, so why don’t we have a nice breakfast?”  
    Duo nodded. His love of cream of wheat had become a long standing joke, though it didn’t seem like anyone was going to rise to the challenge of cracking jokes this morning. Instant cream of wheat was cheaper than cereal or bread or eggs, so Wes had bought it regularly and the creamy mixture had always tasted good to Duo, even as a child, but when he had had it here, Name had taught him that you could add cinnamon and fruit, two rarities in Wes’ apartment, to make it taste even better. Cream of wheat had quickly become one of Duo’s favorite breakfast foods, especially when it was cold out. However, Quatre and Heero hated it, Trowa preferred oatmeal, and Name only ate it during the winter. This became funny when they ran out of cereal, which happened frequently, but they seemed to never run out of cream of wheat, so Heero and Quatre were almost literally forced to eat it.  
    As Duo sat down at the table, Trowa ruffled Duo’s hair, smirking at the longhaired boy’s glare.  
    “Any pain or health issues I should know about?” the tall boy asked. Duo shook his head, once again feeling bad about not coming clean about last night. Trowa had really come through for him yesterday. The only relationships that came close to the unfaltering, protective presence Trowa gave him were Shi and Solo. Though Trowa was older than him, he never treated Duo like he was a little kid. He didn’t know how he would have coped if Trowa hadn’t been gently leading him and protecting him. He guessed that, if he had to sum up how he felt about Trowa, it would have to be that he thought Trowa was a lot like a big brother to him. They had a lot in common, and though Trowa occasionally teased him, he was also kind, gentle, and tried hard to guard Duo and help him out. Heero was the same way, but he was rather glad that he didn’t see the boy he loved as a sibling figure.  
    Heero and Duo spent the meal picking at their food, but Heero managed to eat more than Duo. The cream of wheat tasted good, just like always, but with each spoonful, Duo’s stomach tightened and ached. He barely managed to eat half of the small bowl before the strain and vague nausea from forcing himself to eat made him give up.  
    “Are you alright?” Trowa asked in concern. He was trying to keep an eye out for signs of an infection and Duo’s lack of appetite was worrisome. Duo pushed his plate away from him slightly.  
    “I don’t feel like eating anything,” Duo murmured, “and eating just makes my stomach hurt.”  
    Quatre’s look mirrored Trowa’s and he opened his mouth to scold Duo for not eating when he needed the strength, but Name beat him to it.  
    “That’s alright, sweetie, just eat what you can, I don’t want you getting sick,” she said with a soft smile, but inside, she was worried. It certainly wasn’t the first time Duo had problems eating, but with his anemia, malnutrition, and already slim frame, he couldn’t afford to lose any weight. She didn’t know what would be worse, if Duo’s lack of appetite was physical or mental. Name caught Heero sneak secret, concerned glances at Duo. That was something else that was worrying her, yet another thing she wasn’t sure how to fix.   
    It was a terrible thing to think, but she had always thought she would be a bad mother because both her job and her family forced her to lie, whether directly or indirectly. One of the reasons why she had loved Heero’s father so deeply was that he had taught her how to be more honest, to him and to herself. Still, she thought she wasn’t very good at solving problems with the truth, which was what she needed in dealing with Heero and Duo. Name shook off her thoughts, remembering what Trowa had told her about giving them time and she knew that he was right.   
    It turned out that none of them had much in the way of appetite, though they ate more than Duo and Heero did. The dishes were collected and cleared and the teenagers left the kitchen, all except for Duo, who was stopped by Name.  
    “Duo, I have your posters in my room if you want to put them up today,” she told him. Duo stared at her in confusion for a few seconds before it came to him. He had completely forgotten the posters and snow globe he had bought at the museum. He was suddenly glad that Quatre had been the one to carry the bags. Losing those things seemed small compared to everything that had happened, but Duo would have felt terrible about wasting all that money.   
    “Sure,” he said and followed Name as she walked out of the kitchen and down the hall to her room.  
    “I’m very proud of you, you know,” Name said softly as she opened her bedroom door. Duo stopped in mid-step, looking at her with a shocked, wide expression.   
    “H-how-,” he stammered. Name smiled fondly at him.  
    “In the past, you would have hid from this, maybe run away, but you’re here, with us, letting us help you. I know how hard it is, and I’m proud of you, of all the steps you’ve taken since we met,” she said softly. Duo blushed at that. How could he think about running away again, when every time he did it, he only ever thought about coming home again? And now, how could he ever run away again when Name was proud of him?   
    Name’s bedroom was dark with the lights off, but the window shades were open and Duo could see the cat bed in the corner of the room where Patches and her kittens were sleeping. Even from where he was standing by the door, Duo could tell how skinny the Calico cat was and couldn’t help smiling fondly. Name kept the lights off as she snuck into the room as though she were an intruder, grabbing a couple bags near her bed, and just as quickly retreating.  
  
Duo was caught, like so many times with Name, between being annoyed at her refusal to do any work, even helping her hold up the posters, and happy that she cared enough about him to be slightly overprotective. She only let him help frame the two posters, which didn’t take that much work, and while she fixed them to the wall, Duo sat on his bed, took the wrappers off his newly bought books and movies, and arranged them on his book shelf. The snow globe of the museum looked quite at home on his desk and Duo couldn’t resist giving it a little shake.  
    Name finished her work in minutes, standing back, dusting off her hands, and looking at the pictures. Just like Duo and Amaaya, Name’s eyes strayed to the painting of the two starving children.  
    “So sad,” she murmured to herself, “but apt,” she said louder, giving Duo an intense look that made him blush slightly.  
    “I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I saw it,” Duo admitted, “It’s how I’ve always felt, especially now. I’ve had nothing for so long that the simplest, littlest things make me happy.”  
    Name gave him a brief, but warm hug and kissed his cheek.   
    “As long as they make you happy, nothing is small or unimportant,” she said softly, “Now, I’m going to do everyone’s laundry before school starts again-,”  
    “I can do my own,” Duo protested. Not only was he worried about her finding his blood stained clothes, he wanted to stay busy. He didn’t have any homework and he was worried about how he would react to being alone after his assault. Busy work had always been a good way to keep his mind off things he didn’t want to think about.  
    “Are you sure?” Name asked worriedly, not wanting to necessarily shelter him, but she remembered how weak he had been yesterday and knew he wasn’t nearly all better yet.  
    “It’s not a big deal,” he assured her,” I don’t have a lot of laundry and it’s not like I’ll be running up and down the stairs.”  
    “Alright,” Name conceded, “I need to go to the grocery store anyway. Is there anything you would like me to get you?”  
    Despite having no appetite, there was nothing Duo suddenly wanted more than a juicy hamburger or something with noodles and a ton of garlic and that he couldn’t have either of those things was frustrating.   
    “I can only really eat soup and yoghurt,” Duo pointed out, “But chicken soup or tomato soup sounds ok.”  
    “I’ll get some strawberry ice cream and chocolate milk for you, too,” Name said with a soft smile. Duo beamed back at her. Even if he didn’t feel like having anything, if he had to eat something, it might as well be something he loved.  
    “Thanks,” he told her, and though he was a little bit annoyed by it, he let her carry his hamper downstairs into the laundry room. She showed him the special cat food the vet had given Shei for her first few months, got suggestions from Quatre and Trowa about what she should get from the grocery store, and left. Duo felt oddly abandoned at her sudden absence, but quickly shook it off as him being ridiculous.  
    Having things to do really did help Duo to feel better, or at least it made him feel less useless. It was something he had yet to grow out of, the feeling that he should be constantly busy and if he ever found himself with time to relax, he would be punished for it. He knew that no one here would ever do that, but he couldn’t let go of that feeling. He had been hit and yelled at too many times to not expect that sort of treatment. It was frustrating, remaining at that level of fear and expectation, but it was also kind of nice, anticipating pain and having it never happen.   
    Chores like cleaning and doing the dishes or laundry were some of the few things Name asked of Duo that he was comfortable with doing. Cooking, taking care of the plants, or even helping her go through the mail had been alien to him and she had had to teach him how to do it. He still felt like he didn’t know what he was doing, but he had done Wes’ laundry all the time, even back when he had been too small to reach the dials on the washing machine without using a stool. Quatre claimed to love doing the laundry because it was relaxing, but Duo wasn’t so sure about that. The loud noise of the machine and having to wait for the clothes to dry was annoying, but the soft warmth of the clothes once they were done was pretty nice. There were few things better than clothes straight from the dryer on a cold, winter day.   
    Duo finished with all the laundry, including his friends’, but left the clothes on the dryer to bring them up later and went into the kitchen to fix Shei her breakfast.  
    The kitten must have smelled her food as Duo came into his room, because she made loud cries when he closed the door, balancing milk and food in his hands. Duo realized that she actually was a lot better than she had been as a newborn, she was still too small and the way she refused to jump off tall things, like his bed, because of her leg worried him, but other than that, she acted like a cat her age should and besides her wariness of heights, she seemed to have absolutely no fear. All he could do was hope she would grow upright and not be handicapped for the rest of her life. Even if she was, he would still take care of her the best he could.  
    Duo put the bowls on the floor and picked Shei off the bed, gently placing her on the floor and smiled as she greedily attacked her food. At least she had never had any more appetite problems after the night she had been born and refused to eat.  
    “Good girl,” he murmured and sat on his bed. He almost wished that he had homework to do, but he did have new books and movies to occupy his time. He didn’t really care what he did, as long as he didn’t have to think. He had no idea how he was going to function in school with Heero, continuing to avoid him when they had so many classes together, it was hard enough with a wall between them… Duo looked up at the poster that had caught Name’s attention and felt a stab of guilt.  
    Did he even have the right to complain about… anything? Here he was, moping about Heero hating him, but he still had his family, he still had food and shelter. Compared to how his life had been going only a few months ago, he felt like he was just… whining. He was grateful and happy, so why did he feel so miserable, too?  
    There was a tentative knock on his door and Duo knew it was Quatre before he told them to come in. He wondered if Quatre had instinctively known he was lonely, or if the blonde had been just generally worried about.  
    “Hey, do you want to see a movie?” Quatre asked excitedly, closing the door behind him.  
    “Sure,” Duo said, feeling just as excited as Quatre looked, though more because of the presence of his friend than a movie. He was sick of feeling sorry for himself and ashamed of every one of his thoughts and actions. Just once, he wanted to let everything go and get lost in something meaningless, but fun.  
    “How are you feeling, really?” Quatre asked as he picked out one of the new movies from the bookshelf and put it into the DVD player. Duo shrugged.  
    “I’ll be fine by Monday,” he tried to assure him.  
    “That’s not what I asked,” Quatre lightly scolded, sitting next to Duo on the bed. Duo chewed on his bottom lip, watching the pre-menu previews on the television, but not really paying attention to them.  
    “I’m tired,” he admitted slowly, “My muscles still ache, mostly where he… touched me,” he blushed. He had thought that talking to Heero about these things was hard, but with Quatre, it seemed almost impossible. Trowa understood everything he said about his sexual history, so he was the most comfortable with him. Heero had lived so long in a sheltered existence that, at first, Duo had assumed it would be impossible talking to him, his feelings for the Japanese boy and his desire to keep the past from him because he didn’t want Heero to dislike him notwithstanding. But after awhile, especially after the incident with Relena and the seniors from school, he had relied on Heero’s attention and acceptance more than anyone’s. After Wufei’s outburst in the hospital, Duo had resolved to never talk to Wufei about it. He knew that Wufei didn’t feel the same way now, but he also knew that his past still deeply bothered the other teenager. Quatre, on the other hand, Duo wasn’t really sure how he felt about it.  
    “Mostly, I have no appetite and I feel worn thin, but most of the pain is gone,” Duo continued. He grabbed the remote as the menu came on and turned on the movie.  
    “And what about this thing with Heero?” Quatre asked hesitantly, remembering what his lover had told him about not approaching Heero or Duo about it, but he was too curious, and too worried, not to ask.  
    “I don’t want to talk about it,” Duo murmured, “Please, Quatre, I just don’t want to talk about what happened anymore.”  
    Quatre nodded and the two of them lapsed into silence as the movie played, becoming distracted by and enthralled in the plot.  
    “Actually, for such an old movie, this is really good,” Quatre remarked, “I normally don’t like horror movies, especially ones about vampires, but this was really well made.”  
    Duo smiled slightly, glad that they weren’t going to be talking about his problems anymore. He was also glad that Quatre liked the movie, too. It wasn’t often he met anyone who liked the things he did. He remembered the thrill he had felt when he had first learned that Heero loved horror movies almost as much as he did.  
    “I remember seeing this version as a kid, but I don’t remember where. I hardly was ever allowed to watch TV, though maybe Wes or one of my customers had it on,” Duo said, “Nowadays, everything’s a remake, sequel, prequel, adaptation, or based off something. It’s like no one in America has an original thought anymore. Decent movies and music and cultural thought died out in the 80’s,” Duo grumbled, “There are some exclusions, but it seems like no one in this country wants to think and feel anymore. I mean, this movie’s a remake and an adaptation, but the way it was made makes it look and feel completely original.”  
    “Remakes are just a fad,” Quatre pointed out, “Like the war movie fad from ten years ago, or the Italian giallo revival ten years before that.”  
    Duo sighed heavily.  
    “I wish I had been around for that,” he mourned, “I wouldn’t have minded a Dario Argento film era. It just seems like my generation has passed all the really beautiful things by and have inherited all this… crap. The economy is worth shit, everyone’s despondent and depressed, technology and reform are stagnant while culture is just dead, and war is everywhere in Europe and Asia. The numbers for crime, bankruptcy, suicide, and homelessness are higher than they’ve ever been in this country.”  
    Quatre patted his hand.  
    “Every generation has its problems,” he soothed, “Things will get better, then it will get worse again. That’s just life.”  
    “I guess so,” Duo muttered, “I guess it’s hard to see the good after the way I’ve been living. Is it any different in Europe?”  
    “Not really,” Quatre shrugged, “Like you said, in a lot of countries, there are wars either brewing or breaking out, mostly because of the universal economy. According to my sister, Iria, things in my home country have become very strained, but things weren’t so bad in Italy,” suddenly, Quatre made a high pitched sound and clapped his hands together, making Duo jump in surprise at the sound and the tension of the movie as someone was brutally killed on the television screen.  
    “That reminds me!” Quatre said hyperactively, “I called Iria last night and asked her about taking the kittens. She said she’d love to and she’s coming around in a few weeks.”  
    Duo’s interest was piqued at the thought of meeting a member of Quatre’s family.  
    “That’s good news,” he responded, “I don’t really want to give them away, but Shei is already pushing it at eight. Though, I guess with Patches staying with Name, Cassy staying with you and Trowa, and Angel and Cotton in Heero’s room, it doesn’t seem that overwhelming.”  
    As though he knew they were talking about him, Toby gave them a piercing look, yawned, and closed his eyes again at his spot on Duo’s pillow, the tip of his tawny tail twitching, belying his relaxed pose.   
    “She’s your older sister?” Duo asked. He didn’t know very much about Quatre’s family. He knew that he was from Saudi Arabia, he and his father weren’t speaking because of Quatre’s sexuality, he had a lot of sisters, and he was the only son, but that was it.   
    “I’m the youngest,” Quatre explained, “Iria’s thirty-two, though she’s not my oldest sister.”  
    “It must be nice having siblings,” Duo mused out loud. Quatre chuckled.  
    “Well, having a horde of older sisters took all the novelty out of our relationships,” the blonde said in bitter humor.  
    “How many sisters do you have?” Duo asked in confusion.  
    “Twenty-nine,” Quatre answered.  
    “Holy shit!” Duo gaped at him, “Is that even possible?!”  
    “My siblings are a mix of clone, in-vitro, and test tube technology,” Quatre told him with a slight smirk, “That’s why I have so many sisters and why they all look so similar. Thanks to my mother, all of my sisters have fair skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes, like me, but I was the only natural birth. My mother was French, so I guess my family is a little untraditional in that respect, but except for me, my father was pretty happy that his daughters looked like her. He was hoping that I would be more like him.”  
    “But why so many kids?” Duo questioned, “And why the birth technology? The way you talk about your dad, he seems very traditional. You’d think he would disapprove of having kids that way.”  
    “Above all else, my father is a business man,” Quatre said bitterly, his eyes fixed to the television screen, stormy and conflicted, “Even his religion is second to that nature. When his business started to grow, he wanted to have more and more kids to help manage all his holdings and expand the business. That’s why he wanted girls. He thought they would be easier to control and more likely to expand the family. He’s never seen his kids as anything more than… business proposals. He had to turn to science because my mother had a weak heart and, if she ever gave birth naturally, the strain could have killed her,” Quatre’s fingers dug into his pants, “But when the time came for him to get an heir, he decided to risk her health for a ‘real’ birth.”  
    “But why risk it?” Duo asked softly, “We don’t have the science yet to alter natural born gender, just test tube embryos. What if your mother gave birth to another girl and it killed her?”  
    Quatre snorted, almost angrily.  
    “He didn’t care, he just had to have a natural born son,” Quatre spat out.  
    “… Your mother… she died, didn’t she?” Duo asked hesitantly. Quatre nodded.  
    “I’m so sorry,” the American breathed out. Quatre smiled sadly at him.  
    “I love my family,” he whispered, his voice tight, “I even love my father, I hate him for the mistakes he’s made, but I still love him. Isn’t that how you feel about Wes?”  
Duo swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat.  
    “I guess it’s sicker with me, huh? Wes isn’t my father and the things he did weren’t mistakes, he never felt bad about anything he did to me. If you say you hate your father, people would think you were just being selfish, that you’re a bad son, but when I say that I love Wes… people think I’m a pervert. They think that I liked the abuse, that I deserved it. I hate what he turned me into, I hate him for breaking me and stealing away my humanity. But… he’s all I had for so long and there are… things that I love about him, things that I will always be grateful for,” he said in a pained tone. He was shocked at how easily he was telling Quatre those things, but after hearing about Quatre’s family, he sort of felt like he was seeing Quatre for the first time.   
    As kind and friendly as his friend was, Duo realized that Quatre had never really talked to him about his family before. Of course, he hadn’t exactly talked to anyone about his past, either, not until he had been pushed into a corner and had been unable to lie     anymore.   
“That doesn’t make you a pervert,” Quatre said, placing his hand over Duo’s, “I wish you could just hate him, it would certainly be simpler, but anyone who faults you for your feelings can’t possibly understand what love really is,” he smiled, as though he had completely shaken off the somber mood that had fallen in the room.  
    “In any case, I know you and Iria will get along well!” he said cheerfully. Duo smiled back. It was easy to feel better sitting next to the brilliant sunshine that was Quatre Winner.  
  
  
  
    Shadows moved all around him, but he could see their lurching, flowing shapes more clearly than he could ever want to, just enough to be terrified of them, but not close to understanding what they are.  
    He could smell the blood and semen, thick and vicious and he knew, before even trying, that he couldn’t move. The wet, violent sounds of sex filled the air along with heavy grunts and the creaking of old wood and metal chains. Duo felt phantom tears trail down his face at the sight of Chris on top of Heero. Ice filled his body as he fought against whatever was holding him down, but he couldn’t escape it. The sound of Heero’s screams made his insides shudder, the smell of his blood making his stomach crawl into his throat.  
    All of a sudden, the screaming stopped. Duo heard the shick of sharp metal across skin and bone and Heero’s body fell limp. Duo’s body shook in revulsion and shock as the sex sounds continued, on and on.  
    A piercing, feminine scream shot through the hellish act from across the room, making Duo’s body still and his eyes widen. His confused brain couldn’t figure out what was happening, only knowing that this wasn’t supposed to happen, even as the woman’s blood-curdling screams continued.  
    ‘I know that voice.’  
    The thought was like being stabbed, sudden and alarming. It wasn’t Name’s voice, or even Sister Helen’s, but the voice was familiar, he had heard it at least once before, tinged with an accent, Boston or New York… then, under her screams were the even shriller cries of an infant.  
    Duo turned his head towards the new, completely alien sounds, but he only saw a pair of naked, hairless, slender legs from which, in between them, a huge pool of blood was traveling down to Duo, soaking his pants. Next to the legs was a sluggishly moving bundle of cloth that was stained a deep, soaked red. He couldn’t see either the baby or the woman’s face.  
  
  
  
    Duo awoke on the floor of his room, his back throbbing in a stabbing pain and his breaths coming out in whooshing pants. He heard a door fly open out in the hall and someone run to his door.  
    “Duo…?” he heard Heero’s voice ask in worry and fear.  
    “Go away…” Duo choked out, not wanting Heero to see him in such a pathetic state, in too much pain to move, his hands shaking in emotional shock, not wanting to see Heero at all, not after what he had dreamed about, “Please… just go away…”  
    It seemed like an eternity had passed before he heard Heero’s familiar stride, though clearly hesitant, moving back to his room and the door closed. He closed his eyes, concentrating on getting his heart beat back to normal. He heard Shiva mew at him in concern in a tone that was so similar to Heero’s, Duo had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing. He was surprised that Heero had backed off so easily. It was just further proof of the issues between them. Had he screwed up their friendship so much that Heero was just pretending to still be worried about him? Oh, he so badly wanted to not believe that…  
    Duo grunted as he struggled to sit up, his back protesting with several strong aches. His sleepy brain tried to piece together the puzzle of what had just happened. He remembered holding off sleep until it had been either very late at night or very early in the morning and then, out of sheer exhaustion and hope, he had decided to risk sleep, thinking that, perhaps, the nightmare had been a fluke. It had been a foolish thought. He knew himself well enough to know the lengths his subconscious would go to just to punish himself. And he had had another nightmare, that was clear enough, and it was just as terrible as the last one. The only thing that had kept him from throwing up again was that he had been expecting the nightmare again. And, clearly, the dream had still been so bad, he had tossed so much, he had actually fallen out of bed, which was pretty embarrassing on any scale.  
    Duo pulled himself back into bed where Shiva nearly pounced on him, rubbing against his neck and licking his cheek. He scratched the top of her head, letting her settle on his chest. He understood the first part of the dream, but the rest of it… Why would he dream about a woman and her child, especially a woman that he was sure he had never met? But… the thing was… he was sure that he had met her before. He couldn’t pinpoint her voice, but he was just so damn sure that he knew her…  
    Had Quatre’s story about his mother’s death gotten to him so badly that it had invaded into his nightmares? But, if that were true, why did he know the voice? Shouldn’t he have dreamed of a blonde woman and blonde baby instead of a woman whose face he couldn’t see? Unless his fucked-up subconscious had superimposed his own mother onto what had happened to Quatre’s… but even that didn’t seem possible since he didn’t remember anything about his mother. Why hadn’t he dreamed of Name? She was a better mother to him than his real mother had ever been. But then again, he really would have been sick if it had been her in his nightmare…  
    Duo’s eyes shot open as he suddenly realized in shock that the voice in his nightmare was the same exact one he had heard singing to him when he had been hallucinating in the hospital. Was it possible that he could remember his mother’s voice? A chill settled in his stomach. If he had ever heard his mother’s voice, it had to have been when he was a baby, so how could he possibly remember it? In the hospital, he had assumed that he had only been hallucinating a random, comforting voice, but to hear the same exact voice, months later? The ramifications of that made him shiver.   
What if that woman he kept hearing really was his mother, what if he really was remembering her? He wasn’t really sure that he wanted to remember the family he had never really known. He had spent so much time as a child agonizing over it, what they had been like and why he had been forced to live the life of a lonely adult for as long as he could remember, but did he really want to know the truth?  
    If he remembered anything at all about his mother, he had to have been at least three or four the last time they had been together, which made sense. He wouldn’t have been able to survive on his own if he had been abandoned as a baby. But what had happened? That question had plagued him through his worst moments. Had his parents died and he had simply ended up on the streets because there was no one to care for him? Had he gotten lost or kidnapped and they were still searching for him, or, and this seemed much more likely to Duo, his parents had become too poor, too lazy, or too selfish to take care of a child and had simply abandoned him and moved on?  
    Duo rubbed at his eyes. Did he even want to remember his family or what had happened? Truthfully, given the terrible things that had happened to him, because he had had no shelter with a family, and through his own faults, he was too scared to try and go looking for those buried memories. Even if he did, would it really be worth it? He had a great family now, wonderful friends, a woman who had taken him in, even though he had been almost a stranger to her… even if he did remember, where would that leave him? Either his family was dead, which wouldn’t change anything, they were alive and wanted them back, which would only fill him with regret and wrench him away from his current family, or they had abandoned him, which would only haunt him worse than the not knowing had. No matter what the truth was, Duo couldn’t really envision a happy, tearful reunion or any of his problems going away at the sudden revelation of where he had come from.   
    So… what was his brain trying to tell him? Was Quatre’s mournful feelings towards his dead mother supposed to make him feel the same way about his missing one? He realized that he would never really feel that sort of deep, unapologetic sadness towards his unknown parents. Even if they had died, no matter what had happened, he had been abandoned, he had ended up alone and miserable and he just couldn’t feel sadness towards people he had never known, would never know, and could never possibly understand. Maybe, through his father, Quatre knew and understood his mother, but Duo could only think of all the things that had been taken from him, that he had been deprived of, because of stranger that should have been his whole world.  
    Duo sighed heavily, flipping on his lamp and looked over at his clock. It was five in the morning… right now, the teachers and chaperones were walking up his classmates to get back on the buses. In a few hours from now, they would be back here, in Maine. His chest tightened at that revelation, in a deep sort of sadness. That should have been them. If it hadn’t been for him, they could have seen out the entire trip. Who knew what they had missed out on, all because he had absolutely no control over his life. He rolled onto his side, curling up a little. They had all been looking forward to that trip, yet it seemed like Heero was the only one that hated him for what had happened. It just seemed so… bitterly ironic, that the one person he wanted not to hate him, did. Ok, so it was more depressing than ironic, really. He couldn’t even make him understand how sorry he was…  
    A loud knocking on his door woke Duo out of his sleep that he didn’t even remember falling into. The red digits of his clock glared at him. Somehow, in the middle of his musings, before he could even attempt to avoid it, he had fallen asleep, if only for an hour, which was why his brain felt so fuzzy. Duo sat up quickly when he realized that the person hadn’t knocked again. What if it was Heero again, Duo thought in alarm, what if, because Duo hadn’t answered him, he came in anyway? He had no idea why the thought of suddenly being alone with Heero in his room terrified him, but it did.  
    Before Duo could call out or demand that he didn’t want to see anyone, even if that was a lie, the door flew open, but, to Duo’s immense relief, Trowa strode into his room, not Heero. The tall boy smiled as Duo sat up even straighter.   
    “Good morning,” he quipped. Duo stared at him with wide eyes, unable to process why Trowa would be in his room at six in the morning.  
    “M-morning,” Duo stammered, not liking talking to someone who was clearly more awake than he was and not knowing what their agenda was, and Trowa was the sort of person who always had a logical reason behind his actions. He scooted over on his bed as Trowa sat on the edge, giving Shiva a small pet behind her ears.  
    “Did you know that your light has been on for over a half an hour? You haven’t been asleep for very long, have you?” he asked. Duo blushed as he realized he had been caught. What was wrong with him anyway? In the past, staying awake had been no problem, but now, he couldn’t even stave off sleep for one night. He was just so tired… how could he be so tired that he not only didn’t recall drifting off, he hadn’t even turned the light off? Maybe he couldn’t do this, deal with his injuries and his broken heart and his nightmares all at once. Maybe he was sicker or more overwhelmed than he had thought. How was he going to cope with this? How could he possibly deal with his dreams when he couldn’t even control when he slept?  
    “Are you alright?” Trowa asked him, his voice gentle and kind. Duo nodded.  
    “I’m fine… I’m just feeling a little… depressed,” Duo admitted, though he didn’t want to, but knew that Trowa would pull the truth out of him eventually.  
    “Nightmares?” Trowa guessed. Duo nodded.  
    “I’ll be fine,” he murmured, suddenly feeling completely worn down. Trowa got off the bed and Duo felt a sharp burst of panic. He felt indescribably lonely, like how he used to feel, isolated and completely useless. He had always hated that feeling. He almost called out to Trowa, to beg him not to leave, he had lied, he wasn’t alright, not at all.  
But Trowa didn’t leave, he went over to the television, switching it and the Playstation on. He grabbed two controllers and returned to the bed, giving Duo one. Duo narrowed his eyes at him.  
    “Did your boyfriend put you up to this?” he drawled. This moment felt suspiciously like the one he had shared with Quatre yesterday, and he wasn’t quite ready for another “talk” like that one. He had already heard one of Trowa’s dark secrets, he sincerely hoped the green-eyed boy didn’t have anymore to share.  
    “Not at all,” Trowa chuckled, “You just look like you could use some company, unless you want to go back to sleep?”  
    “No,” Duo snorted, “Do I really look so pathetic that you feel the need to play videogames with me at six in the morning?”  
    “No, not pathetic,” Trowa smiled, “Just lonely. I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I left you to stew on your own when I knew you needed me.”  
    A chill went up Duo’s spine at how close Trowa’s words were. This morning, he had needed Heero, he hadn’t wanted him, but he had needed him. He had needed his best friend and he had pushed him away. Again. Before Boston, Heero would have broken the door down if he had to, just to make him feel better, to make sure he was ok. Before Boston… Heero had cared about him. But this morning… this morning, Heero had walked away without a second glance. They were breaking apart, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.  
    The game started and, at first, Duo wasn’t at all interested. His mind was too involved with self-misery and a deep-rooted terror at the thought that Heero was no longer his friend. Trowa noticed it easily and matched his pace until Duo finally warmed up and let himself become immersed in fighting off mutated zombies.  
    “Quatre told me what you two talked about yesterday,” Trowa said suddenly, “He wanted me to talk to you about it, and so do I.”  
    Duo knocked off ten demon dogs with one shot, but didn’t feel any victory in it. He certainly wasn’t surprised that Quatre had told Trowa everything. The two were practically attached at the hip. He wondered what that was like, to love someone so completely, so intensely, that you could feel comfortable with telling them everything. But… hadn’t he felt that way with Heero? Hadn’t he suffered with trying to keep secrets? Hadn’t he wanted, so very badly, to tell Heero the truth? And hadn’t he only kept those secrets out of fear that Heero would be disgusted with him?  
    “What did you want to speak to me about?” he asked hesitantly. If Trowa asked him about Heero, what could he do? He doubted shoving Trowa off the bed would do the trick, but he really wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.  
    “A few things,” Trowa said, “Nothing that you don’t want to talk about. Just say so, and I’ll drop it.”  
    Duo relaxed, his fingers flying over the controller. He kept forgetting what Trowa was like. Where Quatre was always curious, always wanting to know everything Duo was thinking and feeling, Trowa approached him with the attitude of someone who was willing to do anything to help him, even if he had to constantly back off. It was the same with the video game, Trowa could easily overtake him in kills and points, but he matched his pace and gave him a fair chance. It was one of the reasons why he felt so comfortable with Trowa, knowing that he would never be pushed when he wasn’t ready to be.  
    “Quatre told you about his family?” Trowa asked in such a way that it clearly wasn’t a question.   
    “I had no idea his father was like that,” Duo mused, “He never really talks about his family, does he?”  
    “He isn’t… ashamed of them. It’s just something he’s not really comfortable with,” Trowa explained, “when he was growing up, it was really hard for him. It’s hard enough being that wealthy, it isolates you, makes you wonder if the people in your life really love you like they say they do, or if it’s all just a big illusion. It makes you second guess everyone and everything, especially yourself. But it was even worse for Quatre. His father had put such a huge gamble in risking his wife for a son. He had gotten one, but lost the woman he loved in the process. So, Quatre had spent his childhood trying to measure up to that sacrifice, trying to be the perfect son. But no one’s perfect and no one can make a child what they want them to be. Quatre tried as hard as he could, but everything he did and was ended up as a disappointment for his father. On top of that, though his sisters all look alike, Quatre looks more like his mother than any of them, which had to be painful for his father. His father never hid it, though, his contempt and his disappointment for his only son. Most of Quatre’s sisters were too old for him to play with or confide in. I guess that’s why, when we started dating, he seemed so happy to live with me in Italy when I suggested it. He had agreed right away. That had always worried me, that he hadn’t given it a proper thought. I guess… Heero and I were his only friends. Heero was richer than him and had a harder time making friends, so Quatre trusted him on principle and their friendship grew pretty well after that.”  
    Duo stared up at him, completely forgetting the game. He had never heard Trowa say this much before, but when it came to Quatre, when Trowa was with him, he really did seem like a different person, like Quatre was able to bring him out of his shell, and maybe talking about his lover had that same affect. Did he act differently when he was around Heero? He hoped not, it would only, eventually, lead Heero to the truth, if he even cared enough to look at him anymore.   
    “It must still be hard for him,” Duo murmured, “His family constantly reminded him of his mother, he was never really allowed to be his own person in between her ghost and his destiny already being chosen for him.”  
    “He’s still not sure what he wants to do,” Trowa told him, “His entire life, his father has told him what to do, that when he is old enough, Quatre will take the company over from him. We’ve talked about it, if that’s what he really wants, but Quatre has always had a problem making a choice between himself and his family. Heero has that same problem. His entire family is expecting him to take after his mother when the time comes and Heero doesn’t really know what he wants. The only difference is that Name will supportive no matter what Heero chooses, and Heero is probably too stubborn to do anything except what he wants anyway.”  
    “Heero makes it easy for you to be friends with him,” Duo blurted out, shocked that his words weren’t in past tense.  
    “I mean,” he said more softly, “he can be an ass, and he’s stubborn, but he always stands up for us and he never stands down if we need to be protected, even if it’s in his best interests to.”  
    “Yes, Heero’s like that,” Trowa said with a slight smirk, “But you’re like that, too. I guess it’s just as hard for people like us to make friends.”  
    “I never befriended Heero because he was rich and powerful,” Duo murmured, curling his legs underneath him, “I know everyone thought that when we first met, and then, when Heero found me with Zechs.”  
    “No, we didn’t,” Trowa insisted, “Quatre and I never thought that way about you and even Heero and his mother stopped believing it when you were missing for so long.”  
    “But it is hard for me to make friends. I was poor and unkempt, plus Zechs bullied me all the time, so my classmates avoided me like I had leprosy. With the injuries and illnesses I had all the time, no one wanted to know me. Even if they did, because I was a whore, and because I had so many things about my life and the abuse Wes put me through that I didn’t want anyone to find out about, I had to distance myself from everyone. When Heero tried to get to know me at first, I ignored him. First, I thought that he just wanted to use me or play a prank on me, but when he started to talk to me, I realized that he really was interested, but even then, I wanted nothing to do with him because I was afraid he would find out the truth about me and cause problems for me. He could have told social services or used the information to blackmail me. Instead, here I am living with him, doing things that normal kids do… it doesn’t feel real at times,” Duo confessed.  
    “You’re grateful for him,” Trowa mused out loud, “but he’s grateful for you, too. You have no idea what he was like before he met you, how angry, stubborn, and arrogant he was.”  
    Duo snorted.  
    “Oh, he was pretty stubborn and arrogant when I met him. He thought he was God’s gift to the world, so I should be friends with him just because he was a Yuy. When I refused, he seemed so shocked that I wasn’t impressed by his mere presence. Then, I shot him down for it and he acted like I was mentally ill… He didn’t even know what to say or do when he found out that I couldn’t afford to buy school lunches everyday!” Duo smirked at the memory. Back then, he had thought that Heero was like every person he had ever met who was better off than him, thinking he could do no wrong, that he had the right to do whatever he wanted and he was entitled to everyone’s awe and respect, unable to change… but he had been wrong. Maybe Heero had been arrogant, but he hadn’t stayed that way. Maybe it had just been a mask, a source of strength and ignorance after his father’s death. Duo couldn’t possibly know since he hadn’t met Heero before his father had died, or maybe he really had changed him.  
    “You should meet his uncle,” Trowa grumbled, “I only met him a handful of times, but he’s as arrogant and stuck up as they come. When Name was chosen to take over the company instead of him, he threw a huge fit. He even threatened to take her to court about it! At least Heero has the ability to change and understand that he’s not as important as the media paints him, but according to Quatre, his uncle has always acted that way. Quatre said that you seemed so alarmed by what his father had done, risking his wife’s life and treating his children like they were just assets… I guess we’re the closest thing to a family you have, so someone treating a child like that, someone who is actually family must seem pretty cold.”  
    “Wes is all I had ever known before Name took me in,” Duo told him, “To him, I was just a tool, something to trade money for. That sort of behavior sickened me, it wore me down inside, that people could do that to each other. I grew up thinking that I was… a thing, not even really human. He raised me to think that way, that I didn’t matter. It hurt so much… everyone around me acted like I was either trash to be used and then quickly discarded, or I should just be ignored, like I was a ghost. When Name decided to give me a home, and a family, I was so shocked. I couldn’t believe that someone that was nearly a stranger to me would treat me with such kindness! I was so lucky… I finally have a family that treats me with love and respect, so to hear that a real family, your real blood family, could treat you like the way I had been treated… like you only should fulfill a goal, and after that, you didn’t matter… I guess it was like hearing what I believed turn out to be a lie. I had always thought that the people that gave birth to you, the ones that decided to keep you, had to be better than the man I ended up with… but Quatre says that isn’t true at all.”  
    Trowa sighed, dropping his controller to wrap an arm around Duo’s shoulders in a loose hug, alarmed by the turmoil and pain in his voice. He hated hearing about Wes and the things he had done to Duo. He almost wish the bastard would show up to try to take Duo away, if only so they could teach him what happens to monsters that hurt good, honest people, children at that.   
    “Quatre’s jaded, and I don’t think he fully understands his family. I’ve met his sisters and his father. They do love him, maybe not the way Quatre wants to be loved, and the way he was raised was wrong, but not all families have to be like that. I was raised by a woman who loved me,” Trowa reminded him, “Maybe I went through hell in that small amount of time with my uncle, but my sister fought for me. She never gave up trying to win me back, and it wasn’t out of a sense of duty, or because our parents forced her to promise them she would take care of me, she really does love me. She’s not my mother, but she’s the best I’ve ever had.”  
    Duo’s dark expression eased a little at that.  
    “I’ve never known my real family, I don’t even know where I came from or what happened to me in the past, but Name has given me everything that I’ve ever needed. She’s the closest that I’ve ever had to a mother, and she’s treated me better than my real family ever has. Even if they died, and weren’t able to take care of me anymore, Name’s the one that stuck around, not them,” Duo murmured, “How can they possibly compare to her?”  
    “You know, with her money and power, Name could probably find your real family, or at least let you learn what happened to them,” Trowa suggested, but inside, he was worried about Duo’s lack of concern towards the truth. He had always wanted to learn more about his parents, but then again, he had had Catherine around his entire life. Duo had lived with… nothing. No, less than nothing. He had lived with a man that had turned Duo into, as Duo had said, not even human, just a thing. Trowa’s concern grew as Duo threw him a scared look.  
    “What if I don’t want to find my real family? Does that make me a bad person? What if they’re still alive? What if they want me back? They’re my family… but you guys are my family, too, and I don’t want to lose you even more than I want to find them! They would take me away from you… I’m not an adult, I don’t have a choice and Name didn’t actually adopt me, so you know how that would end! Even if that doesn’t happen, how can I possibly forgive them after all I’ve been through, if I find them and they’re still alive? If they’re dead, the truth won’t make any difference. At least, if I don’t know the truth, I can chose to believe something hopeful, like I was loved once and they died. But if I learn the truth and they just… left me to die, it will just haunt me for the rest of my life,” Duo squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to show weakness in front of his friend by crying, even as he felt tears prickle his eyes. Trowa stroked his bangs out of his eyes, making Duo open them again.  
    “It’s completely on you,” the tall teenager said softly, “If you don’t want to know who they are, or were, you don’t have to do anything. Your happiness is the most important, and if knowing the truth will only make you miserable, I suggest you do nothing. Though,” Trowa’s tone turned into one of amusement, “With all of the tabloids chatting about you and Heero, if you had family out there who remembered you and what you looked like, we would have heard from them by now.”   
    Duo stared at him in confusion.  
    “What are you talking about?” he demanded.  
    “Duo, ever since your stay in the hospital, your and Heero’s pictures have been in magazines all over the world. The media has nothing to go by, but you and Heero go to the same school, which is public knowledge, so is the fact that Heero practically lived at this hospital while you were there. Anyone with a brain can put the two together, and the Yuys are very media worthy. They’ve been speculating why Name decided to live here for months, then there was the hospital business, so all sorts of weird theories have been cropping up,” Trowa told him, blinking in surprise at Duo’s shock.  
    “I had no idea…” Duo murmured, “I don’t read tabloids, I don’t even look at the newspapers… My picture’s been in magazines for that long?”  
    Trowa rolled his eyes.  
    “Maybe you do have family out there, but not watching the damned news is a genetic trait,” he grumbled, “In any case, if you’re so set on us being your family, when are you and Heero going to get over this thing between the two of you?”  
    Duo froze completely still, his muscles stiffening in surprise at the sudden question.  
    “There is nothing between us,” he said in a cold, serious voice.   
    “That’s bullshit,” Trowa snapped, his arm falling off Duo’s shoulders as the two of them stared each other down, “You two went through something the rest of us can’t even imagine. When we found you, the two of you should have been overjoyed. I had expected you to practically jump-hug Heero in relief! Instead, when he tried to touch you, you flinched away from him.”  
    “So, it’s my fault?” Duo murmured, not really asking. He knew exactly that it was his fault, and that flinch had just made things worse. Heero hated him, he was sure of that, but by reacting that way, he had implied that it was Heero’s problem and not his, so any hope of patching things up was gone.   
    Trowa sighed again, fighting against the urge to slam his head into something for his error.  
    “Of course it’s not your fault!” he said vehemently, “We just want to know why that happened, so we can help you. You and Heero are best friends, you should be talking to each other, so relieved that the both of you are ok that you refuse to be let out of each other’s sights. Instead, you’re ignoring each other like you both did something terrible!”  
    “No, just me,” Duo said softly, “It was all my fault, everything… Why should he trust me after what happened?”  
    Trowa stared at him, unable to find the words to make Duo believe what they all did.  
    “Dammit, Heero never should have come with me to Boston!” Duo snapped, throwing his control onto the bed, “If he hadn’t been there, everything would have been fine!”  
    Trowa stood up abruptly, not wanting to believe what he was hearing. Duo blamed himself, and he thought that if Heero hadn’t come, they wouldn’t be so upset? Did he really think they would have accepted what had happened any easier if Heero hadn’t been involved?  
    “Don’t you ever say that again!” Trowa yelled, “And don’t you ever let Heero hear you say that!”  
    “Say what?” Duo asked darkly, “That what happened was only one of our fault’s? That he should just stay the hell away from me before something else happens?”  
    “Dammit,” Trowa ran a hand through his long bangs, “Duo… you two should be talking about this, not me! Heero needs to hear this!”  
    “No,” Duo looked at the floor, his hands shaking a little, “Please, Trowa, I don’t want to talk about this…”  
    “Fine,” Trowa snapped, “But I don’t blame you for anything, only for the fact that you’re going to ignore this problem until it destroys you both and I won’t let that happen!”  
    Duo kept on looking at the floor, even as he sensed Trowa leaving him. Exhaustion filled him completely as the energy and fight went out of him like a rush of liquid. He felt his body sag on the bed and barely managed to catch himself on the corner.  
    “Duo!” he heard Trowa say in alarm and felt his large hands grab him, “What’s wrong?”  
    “I’m just tired,” Duo murmured. He struggled to stand up, hoping that if he did, he would get his energy back, but Trowa did the opposite, helping him back under the covers.  
    “You need to sleep. Name won’t let you go back to school like this and you’re going to make yourself sick if you don’t listen to what your body’s trying to tell you,” Trowa scolded. Duo looked up at his friend through half-lidded eyes.  
    “I’m sorry… I don’t know what’s wrong…” he fought vainly against sleep. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, he was supposed to be strong… why was he so tired?  
    “You won’t tell Heero about what I said, right?” he murmured sleepily. Trowa swallowed roughly.  
    “No…” he promised, “No, I won’t tell Heero.”  
    Trowa watched in concern as Duo fell asleep, comforted by the promise he had practically forced out of the older boy. Just seconds ago, Duo had seemed so awake, alert, and healthy, but in just a few seconds, he had nearly fainted. Trowa wanted to take him to a doctor, to soothe his concerns about an infection, but truthfully, he was mostly worried about psychological damage. This sort of sleeping behavior wasn’t normal. There was nothing physically wrong with Duo that he could see that would provoke such tiredness. He didn’t have any head injuries, and if he had lost too much blood, he would have been constantly tired, not on and off like this.   
    His relationship with Duo was a bit… strange. Quatre and Heero had been Trowa’s only friends before he had met Duo, and he found himself comfortable with the longhaired boy where he wasn’t comfortable with the other two. They had similar pasts, not overwhelming similar, but enough that they felt at ease with each other. They had both been raped, had both struggled financially, and had both had to grow up quickly. Quatre and Heero didn’t understand how difficult it was, growing up poor and how necessary stability was. It was something Duo understood, especially since he was only now getting a stable lifestyle. He was a bit younger than him, a bit more haunted, and those things were glaringly obvious, especially now, as Trowa watched Duo sleep. It made him want to protect him, in ways that he knew he couldn’t.   
    “I’m sorry,” Trowa whispered as he leaned down to Duo’s level, “I shouldn’t have made you so upset. I had no right to talk to you about Heero. It’s not your fault, we just want you well again…”  
    He stood up with a sigh, wishing that Duo could hear him and could understand how he felt. Life was never simple, he knew that, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t wish for an easy solution. If life were easy, Duo would have had a normal, easy life, and he and Heero would have met, fallen in love, and been in a loving relationship by now. But life wasn’t easy, Trowa had known that since he had been a child, living in a small trailer with his sister, who was struggling just to keep the tiny space that they had. All he could hope was that, sooner or later, Duo and Heero would sit down and have a talk, before they drifted apart for good.  
  
  
  
 _“Dammit, Heero never should have come with me to Boston!”_  
 _“If he hadn’t been there, everything would have been fine!”_  
 _“Don’t you ever say that again! And don’t you ever let Heero hear you say that!”_  
 _“Say what? That what happened was only one of our fault’s? That he should just stay the hell away from me before something else happens?”_  
   
          Heero, his back against the wall near Duo’s door, listened to the argument that was happening in the other room, the words muffled and distorted, but as clear as day to him. He squeezed his eyes shut at the pain in Duo’s voice, guilt and agony ripping through his heart with each accusation. Duo was only saying what Heero knew, that it was his fault, that anyone else would have been able to protect him. Duo didn’t even want him near him anymore… that one, simple fact was tearing his heart to shreds. He was too powerless and too naïve to have any business being Duo’s friend, and by the time he had realized that, it was too late. He had put Duo’s life at stake wanting to believe that he could conquer anything, all on his own. He hadn’t changed at all! He was still just as selfish and spoiled as he had always been, only now Duo was forced to pay for his mistakes. He couldn’t fix things this time… his luck with Duo and his wonderful, graceful forgiveness had finally run out.  
          The sounds of the video game were abruptly silenced. Heero’s hands curled into tight, angry fists. That familiar impulse came quickly back to him, like an old habit or a repetitive thought, the need to strike out at something or someone. In the past, it had always been some _one_ , but the only people around him were people he would never hit. He knew that, when he did find something to hit, he would feel better, though only for a short while, then these feelings of rage and worthlessness would come back.  
          He should have protected Duo, instead, he had proved to be completely useless. He should have gone after Chris. The bastard deserved to die for what he had done! Yet, here he was, standing outside Duo’s room like a coward while Chris got away with the whole thing. He had just walked away and left them… That was where most of his anger was coming from, the knowledge that he had let Chris rape and almost kill his best friend, without so much as a scratch…  
          The door opened and Trowa walked out, closing the door quietly behind him. When he saw Heero standing there, he looked surprised, almost startled. The expression made Heero even angrier. Why wouldn’t he be standing outside Duo’s door? Even if Duo hated him, Heero still saw him as his best friend, so why wouldn’t he still be worried about him? And why did Trowa, who wasn’t Duo’s best friend, get to sit by his bedside and hold his hand while Heero couldn’t? He knew the answer to that question, but still… Was he really… being replaced? Heero took a step towards the other boy and felt a spark of nasty glee that he immediately hated himself for as Trowa looked alarmed. Trowa must think the worst of him, too, Heero thought, if he really thought he was going to hit him. It was tempting, but this was _Trowa_ , and surely he still had some morals left, some standards.  
          Right now, Heero wasn’t sure what feeling was eating at him the most, regret, anger, or jealousy. He missed hearing the video game’s soundtrack, it made him think of the first time Duo had come to sleep over. He hadn’t been able to believe Duo when he had told him that he had never played video games before. Heero had thought that there was no way a teenage boy couldn’t have played a video game before. He had learned, though. In knowing Duo, he had learned a lot of things, some good, some bad. He remembered how happy they had both been that day and how much he missed playing video games with him. It had only been a few days, but he missed Duo, as though he really _had_ died and he was being haunted by Duo’s ghost. It was almost as though he was in a terrible nightmare that he couldn’t wake up from. He missed being happy…  
          Heero stood in front of Trowa, almost in his face, and his angry expression was almost enough to make Trowa take a step back, but he stood his ground.  
          “Duo’s _sick_ ,” Heero snapped at him, “He should be resting, not playing childish games with you!”   
          Trowa narrowed his eyes at his friend, feeling angry, himself, at Heero’s accusations. What really angered him was that he knew Heero wasn’t even really angry at him, he just wanted to lash out at someone and since Trowa was acting how Heero was _supposed_ to be acting in this situation, he made the best target.  
          “If you’re so upset about it,” Trowa shot back, “Then you should be the one playing with him in the first place, not me!”  
          The two teenagers glared at each other for what seemed like hours, waiting for one of them to break and look away.  
          “I know that,” Heero ground out, pushing past Trowa to his own bedroom, though he didn’t slam the door like he wanted to, in case Duo was sleeping.  
   
  
   
          Waking up the next morning for school seemed hellish to Duo. He spent most of the previous day in bed, napping, but he still felt exhausted, like he hadn’t been sleeping at all. Trying to stay awake because of his nightmares had been impossible last night. He had dreamed, and the dream was quickly becoming a horrible normality for him, but he was slowly getting over the sickness he felt over the nightmares. Almost everything else was getting better, though. He didn’t ache anymore, though, if he moved the wrong way, his back did hurt quite a bit. His appetite hadn’t recovered at all and he had to force himself to eat anything. Name made him a bagged lunch anyway and Duo took it to keep her from worrying, which she was doing enough for all of them.  
          It was obvious to the four boys that Name didn’t want Duo to go back to school so soon. She asked Duo if he was ok to go at least five times between breakfast and his trying to get out the door. Duo’s body practically screamed at him that staying home would be a good idea, but he refused to do it. All he wanted was for things to go back to normal and school was a step in the right direction.  
          School was… weird. That was the best way that Duo could describe it. It almost _did_ feel normal, walking through the halls to his first class, sitting in his familiar seat, but the lack of words between himself and Heero quickly destroyed that illusion. He didn’t know if he should be glad that he still wasn’t used to their distance. He didn’t want it to become normal, but he was sick of being caught off guard by it. He had thought that school would make things better, it would keep him busy and keep his mind off things he didn’t want to think about, but it was just as painful being at school.  
          He couldn’t concentrate. He had always loved school, had always loved learning new things as a way to escape and see and hear and read things outside of his dark world. But today, he was too tired, too distracted by Heero’s presence in the desk next to his. It alarmed him, that he had to struggle to keep his eyes open through his first two classes.  
          If anyone was suspicious about why the five of them had left early on the trip, no one acted differently towards them, though Une did shoot Duo worried looks every time she caught him yawning or his head or eyelids dropping during her lectures. It was almost like nothing bad had happened, if Duo ignored what was going on between him and Heero, and how lethargic he was. He was just glad Heero’s concussion was healed and he was the only one experiencing problems, even if he refused to tell anyone about it. He knew that the second he did, Name would rush him back to the hospital.  
          Quatre was too busy keeping an eye on Zechs to notice what was going on with Duo. He remembered what Zechs had tried to do to him and, while he knew Zechs was in no way responsible for what had happened, he wanted to find some way to blame him. Maybe, if Zechs hadn’t attacked him, he would have realized Heero and Duo were missing sooner. That seemed unlikely to him, and even if he had known it sooner, he still didn’t see how it would have made any difference, but it was still tempting to blame the bully for what had happened.  
          After lunch, once he had eaten his yoghurt and laid his head down for the half hour, Duo was slightly more alert and was finally able to enjoy the day. Not that there was much of a day to look forward to for him. Name had written a note to get him out of gym, so he spent that block watching Trowa and Heero play basketball against Quatre and Wufei’s team. History was unbearable. Williams was even more vicious than usual for some reason and yelled at Duo whenever he caught him yawning.  
          With the exception of Art and Cooking, the day seemed to drag on forever and, just when he thought he had control over his odd lack of energy, it was all over and he fell asleep in the car on the way home.  
   
  
   
          The week drawled on in tedium, not only for Duo, but for Name, too. Every morning, she had held on to the hope that she would wake to find that things had changed, Duo and Heero would be talking again, and everything would be back to normal. It was Thursday night, Name was cleaning the dinner dishes at the sink while Duo finished up his homework at the table. Six days had passed since he and Heero had been kidnapped, but nothing had changed. Heero and Duo still weren’t talking, turning every instance that they were together icy and painful.   
          Name glanced over at Duo as he scribbled on a worksheet. Anyone who didn’t know him well would probably look at him and say that he was fine. His bruises were finally starting to fade, and if she hadn’t been aware of his past physical abuse, she would have been angry at how no one had asked about his injuries. It still made her angry, but she knew there was nothing she could do about it. No one could _make_ people care. He wasn’t as tired as he had been, either, but even she could tell he was dragging himself around. Today, he had finally started to eat solid food again, so she had made foods with a lot of nutrients that would give him more energy. He _did_ look better, less haunted, but Name knew better.  
          He wasn’t eating. Oh, he wasn’t completely starving himself. When she had made apple crepes for him this morning, he had seemed so happy and had definitely eaten some, but in the slow way he had eaten, and how he had pushed his food around between bites, Name knew that he was forcing himself to eat, not out of hunger, but taste and psychological need. Duo still had no appetite. It wasn’t obvious, but to her trained, motherly eye, Name could tell that he was losing weight, maybe a pound or two, maybe less, but he was a bit thinner. It worried her enough that she was contemplating taking him to a hospital. She would have taken him already, but she knew how much the hospital had scared Duo and didn’t want to put him through that again unless it was absolutely necessary. At least he was eating, she told herself, she could be thankful for that. Or maybe she was just spooking herself and all of this would resolve itself with time. If only Heero and Duo could get their heads out of their asses and get over what had happened, she was sure everything would be alright.   
          Name looked away from Duo and shook her head.  
          ‘But with these two… I could be waiting forever,’ she thought in exasperation.  
   
  
   
          Duo felt like his life was turned on its side. He struggled with food and sleep, still feeling more tired than he should, having frequent, violent nightmares, and his stomach hurt when he ate more than half of what he ate normally, but none of those things held a candle to how lonely he felt. It was strange, his distance from Heero had forced him to be closer to Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei. In the past, that should have been enough. But what he had had with Heero had been special, unique, and he was floundering without it. He couldn’t even analyze it to find _why_ he felt so close to him, but now that their relationship was broken, he felt empty inside.  
          He should have felt worried about the dreams and how they refused to fade, and his appetite, but he wasn’t dying and it wasn’t messing around with him too much, so he struggled to ignore it. At least he had gotten to the point where Une was no longer looking at him like she thought he was going to keel over after the first two days. He did feel bad about being so close to Quatre and Trowa. They had been Heero’s friends first, but since Duo was spending so much time with them, Heero was distancing himself from them as well as Duo. However, whenever Duo tried to back off, Quatre and Trowa would become worried about him.  
          Duo was thrown out of his thoughts by the shrill ringing of the end of period bell. He was feeling very drowsy today again, despite the bright morning light shining through the windows of the science classroom. Spring was just starting to break through winter, though it was still a little bit cool out, though Duo was used to the normally brisk weather in the north. He normally liked the winter because Wes’ apartment had no air conditioning and he had never spared a fan for Duo’s room, plus, Duo had always thought that heat was more unbearable than cold. Though, back when he had been living on the streets, winter and summer had been an equal death sentence. There were too few blankets to keep warm, and too little water to keep hydrated. He wasn’t quite sure what had been scarier back then, the threat of hypothermia or the threat of dehydration and heat stroke. He had always thought that death was death and it didn’t really matter what way you went, the end result was the same, but now, after living with Wes and after almost dying repeatedly, he definitely thought that some ways were better than others.  
          “Duo, lunch time,” Quatre’s light, carefree voice broke through his thoughts and Duo smiled at him.  
          “Sorry, I’m feeling a bit spacey today,” he admitted. Trowa, who had been in a different class, pushed his way through the rush of students that were fleeing from the classroom to get to the cafeteria and tapped his lover on the shoulder. Quatre beamed up at him, his genuine, loving and excited expression making Duo’s heart hurt. Duo watched as Heero got up from his seat and left the three of them in the room without a single word. At least he was still eating at their table, Duo thought, even if Heero didn’t look any of them in the eye. He didn’t want to think about how much it would hurt on the day that Heero left them completely.   
          Duo gathered his things, shoving them into his black book bag, and followed his two friends out of the classroom. The hallways seemed inexplicably more crowded than usual, but that was probably because the weekend was so close by and no one cared about not shoving, especially on a day like today when everyone could finally have lunch outside in the warm sun. Duo struggled through the crowd, cursing his own shortness as he had to keep an eye on Quatre’s shimmering blonde hair to even keep up with them. Suddenly, someone grabbed his arm and he spun in alarm, unable to stop his harsh flinch. For a moment, a silly bit of hope sparked in him that it was Heero grabbing him, finally wanting to talk to him again. Instead of the warm, deep blue eyes that he had fallen in love with, he ended up looking into dark brown ones covered by glasses.   
          “Mr. Williams,” he murmured, a little sharply. After Heero had threatened the teacher last time, he hadn’t approached Duo, so his presence now was immensely unpleasant to him. He could still remember the man’s accusations and how he had been unable to defend himself because, deep down, he had wondered if they were true.   
          “I need to talk to you,” the teacher said tersely, pulling Duo forward. Duo looked back for his friends, desperately wanting some help. Those age old instincts that Wes had beaten into him to always listen and do what he was told screamed at him to just do what Williams wanted, but the new parts of himself that were finally starting to win the daily battle inside of him screamed just as loudly to break away, but Trowa and Quatre had disappeared into the crowd, his last link to his tentative strength abandoning him. He walked in stride with his teacher, not wanting to be pulled around like a little kid.   
          He certainly felt like a little kid about to be scolded for something he didn’t even remember doing as Williams led him into his History classroom and his dull brown eyes pierced into him.  
          “What is it that you want to talk to me about?” Duo asked, almost demurely, not liking the silence. He kept trying to tell himself that there was really nothing that Williams could do to him. He was an ass, and could be cruel at times in class, but he was still a teacher, and if he laid a hand on him, Mr. Khushrenada would fire him. In the past, Duo would have worried about the principal not believing him, but Treize had proved, again and again, the lengths he was willing to go to see that he was treated with respect. Still… he felt powerless again. Whatever Williams wanted to talk to him about, he was sure it was something bad, or at least embarrassing, and he definitely didn’t want to look weak in front of this man by running away like last time. Williams leaned against his desk, still giving Duo a look that made his insides squirm.  
          “Do you think that high school is a joke?” the man finally asked, “I know a lot of your peers do. You all think that, until you hit college, this building is just a place to fuck around and any trouble you get in, you can easily get yourself out of, because you’re just ‘kids’.”  
          Duo’s gut clenched. He had tried so hard to get back into school again after running away, had been trying hard ever since then to prove how serious he was about his education, so to hear one of his teachers accuse him of messing around and not taking things seriously… if he hadn’t hated Williams before, he certainly hated him now.  
          “Of course I don’t think this is a joke!” he insisted, “Why would I bother coming back and doing all that work if I was just planning on messing up again?”  
          “I don’t know,” Williams said snidely, “But it certainly makes you think, doesn’t it? You say that things are different, that you’ve changed, you do all this hard work, but you’re the same, isn’t that right?”  
          “What are you talking about?” Duo demanded, but, with a chill down his spine, he knew exactly what he was talking about and it made him sick inside.  
          “I know what happened in Boston,” Williams informed him with a superior smirk. Duo’s stomach clenched again, but harder, filling him with the urge to throw up. How was this possible? Even Une didn’t know what had happened! How could Williams had found out?!  
          “You say that you’re different,” Williams drawled, “But you’re up to your old tricks, aren’t you? Still fucking around, still thinking that makes you special. I’m actually surprised that you didn’t use that as an excuse to skip school again. And getting Yuy involved… that’s just cold,” he put a hand on Duo’s shoulder, not noticing how Duo was shaking slightly, “I wonder how your ‘father’ would feel, knowing what his kid was doing with someone like Yuy. Did you get him involved, or did he volunteer?”  
          Duo shoved Williams’ hand off of him.  
          “Shut up!” he hissed, “You don’t know anything, no one knows anything! Why does anyone think that this is their business?! Heero has nothing to do with my fuck ups, and I am different! If you can’t see that… how could you, you didn’t know me to begin with!”  
          Williams snorted.  
          “Really, you’ve changed? You’re right, I don’t see it, and no one else has, either. If you think they have, you’re kidding yourself!” he jeered. Duo stepped away from him, the truth of those words, that he would never change, that he was just pulling everyone down with him, things he had always believed, filled him with a deep sense of revulsion and guilt. He fled the room, but Williams didn’t follow him, he just heard the man chuckling at him.  
          He didn’t run into the cafeteria, as alarmed as he was by Williams’ words, he didn’t want to talk to Trowa or Quatre right now, and he certainly didn’t want to have to look at Heero, only to have him look away. Instead, he ended up at his locker and leaned his forehead against the cold metal. Those things he had said… weren’t they true? He had changed, but not as much as he wanted to… but he had, right? Still… that darkness inside of him had remained and, little by little, he was dragging his friends into that world… one of the monsters that existed in that world that he had thought he had left had tried to kill Heero. But he hadn’t wanted that to happen! Williams made it sound like he had wanted to dirty Heero, like he didn’t want to change at all, but that wasn’t true! But even if it wasn’t true, he couldn’t help but think about it, torture himself with it…  
          A large hand gripped his arm, and he snapped. Couldn’t he have a single, damn moment to himself, to think and figure out what he was going to do?!  
          “Leave me alone!” he snapped as he spun to glare at his teacher. He didn’t even care that it was his teacher, his superior, that he was snapping at anymore. However, once again, he found himself looking up into different eyes than he had expected. Instead of flat, dark brown, the eyes he met were chips of blue ice.   
          “What crawled up your ass and died?” Zechs said with a smirk. Duo glared at him. He didn’t know which was more unwanted right now, Williams’ oblivious judgments about his personal character, or Zechs’ snobbish, constant intrusions. Williams spoke like he knew him, but Zechs _did_ know him, which made the things he said unpleasant, but often true. But at least Duo felt that he could stand up to him, even if the silver-haired boy was very intimidating to him.   
          “You, Zechs,” Duo ground out, “Whatever attitude problem I have, feel free to always trace it back to you.”  
          He pushed against Zechs shoulder as he realized that he was trapped against his locker and the hallway was very, very empty, but the older boy stood his ground and shoved him back, Duo hitting the locker and realizing with a chill that, not only was he alone, Zechs clearly didn’t care about the threat of expulsion Treize had given him. He felt completely helpless against the boy. There was still that residual, childish fear of the bully that had haunted his middle school years, but there was also the fact that it didn’t matter if Duo _felt_ like fighting back, Zechs was over a foot taller than him and was athletic, while Duo had spent his life running and hiding, not lifting weights or playing football. He could easily outrun him, but actually getting away from him had always been a feat.   
          “Where’s your hurry?” Zechs teased, “I’ve been trying to get you alone for a month, but those friends of yours are like parasites that refuse to leave their host. What did you do? Screw all of them for ‘protection’?” Zechs grabbed Duo’s arm tight enough to bruise, his tone turning bitter. Duo’s hands tightened into fists at the suggestion that any of his friends would let him do that.  
          “They just want to protect me from assholes like you. It’s called friendship, that’s how people are supposed to treat each other,” he snapped.   
          “Once a whore, always a whore, huh, Maxwell?” Zechs’ superior smirk returned, but there was a darkness in his eyes that Duo didn’t like one bit. All he knew was that he was sick of people thinking that about him, Zechs, Williams, himself…  
          “Maybe you’re too closed minded to see me as anything else!” Duo growled at him.  
          “Or maybe you’re just too stubborn to see the truth,” Zechs shot back. Duo opened his mouth to shout back that, if Zechs didn’t see how ironic that statement was coming from him, he was an idiot, but the next thing he knew was Zechs’ scent, overwhelming him, and the feel of his lips on his, the sensation of his tongue running over his skin. It was so sudden, so unexpected in the moment of their heated argument, that Duo made the mistake of opening his mouth again to gasp, allowing Zechs’ tongue to slip inside and he tasted him as he struggled, vainly, to shove the other boy off of him.   
          Zechs had been the only john he had ever known that would readily kiss him on the mouth. A lot of the men he had slept with had seen too many movies, in Duo’s opinion, and were under the impression that no whore would let their customer kiss them on the mouth because it was too ‘intimate’ or ‘personal’. In truth, Duo had never met a whore who lived by that rule. All the whores he knew thought like him, how could a simple touch of lips be more intimate than a stranger sticking his dick inside your body? What could possibly be more personal than that? Wes had kissed him sometimes… but he had never been a customer to Duo. Zechs had paid for his body, but Chris and Wes never had, they had just taken because they knew that they could.   
          The taste of the other boy was highly unpleasant to him and he immediately hated himself for that decision that seemed to have been made so long ago. He had thought that having Zechs fuck him would be more bearable than the bullying, but really, it had been the same. And now, Zechs thought that he owned him, just because he had fucked him in the mornings. It was the same with Wes, he had thought that, just because he owned his body, he was entitled to everything else, even Duo’s love. Duo shivered as it finally came back to him where they were. This wasn’t a janitor’s closet or an empty gym room, they were in a public hallway and a teacher or student, maybe even one of his friends, could come along at any minute. Though it hadn’t happened yet, just the thought filled him with revulsion and shame. He shoved against the older boy again, harder, and Zechs finally relented, his tongue and lips leaving him. Duo rubbed at his own lips, trying to get the wet feeling to leave them.  
          “Are you insane?!” he gasped out, his stomach churning, “You can’t do that!”  
          Zechs smirked at him, completely unashamed by his actions, but then Duo knew that he had always considered himself above reproach and rules. It was why his bullying had been so relentless, Zechs had thought that he would never get in trouble, no matter how vicious he was.   
          “You think I care if anyone sees?” Zechs pinned him to the locker again and Duo wished he had reached for his backpack when Zechs had been kissing him, because his taser was in his bag, because when Zechs had pinned him, his shirt had shifted and poking out of the back of his jeans was the butt of a gun that Duo could see as clear as day. He didn’t know what kind of gun it was, or how many or what kind of bullets were in it, but that didn’t matter at all. His mind just screamed at him ‘gun!’ and he didn’t dare to so much as flinch, no matter what Zechs wanted out of him. Duo squeezed his eyes closed as Zechs slipped his hand inside his jeans and slid it down, into his boxers, flat against abdomen. He wanted to fight back, to thrash and keep that hand from going any lower, from touching his skin at all, but the image of the gun butt flashed in his mind and he was too scared to move. It was ridiculous, he thought, Chris had failed to kill him, but someone only a few years older than him, this… spoiled brat, was going to off him because he had cut him off? Zechs Merquise could have anyone… or was it simply a matter of pride? Those fingers traveled further down his body and the feeling of them dancing on his skin, dangerously close to his crotch, and tangled in his underwear broke him.  
          “Don’t!” he demanded, grabbing Zechs wrist and forcing him out of his pants.  
          “Leave him alone!” a blessedly familiar voice rang out in the empty hallway, a voice that made his insides shudder in pleasure and relief and his eyes fly open. The sight of Heero shoving Zechs away from him, protecting him, like he had used to, made Duo want to cry in happiness.   
          “Heero…” his best friend’s name escaped from his lips. He had come back for him… Heero looked at him, forgetting about Zechs just like Duo did the second Heero had shown up. He was _looking_ at him, like all the bad things between them that had cropped up this week had just… vanished, and they were like they had been before. Duo didn’t even care, in that moment, about his guilt and shame, he just wanted to touch him…  
          Then, like a phantom, the image of the gun came back to him, but before Duo could even think of the words to warn Heero, he knew it was too late, almost instinctively.   
          Duo saw the blood before he heard the gunshot. It blossomed in Heero’s blue shirt over his chest like a gruesome flower, spreading outward more and more as Duo stared, unable to register what had just happened. Heero didn’t seem to feel the bullet at all. He only looked down at the wound when he saw the shock and horror in Duo’s eyes as he looked at it. Then… Heero’s beautiful blue eyes slid closed and he fell to the ground. Deep crimson blood spread over the tiled floor and Heero’s body shook. Duo saw, out of the corner of his eye, Zechs lower the gun and approach him once more. Tears spilled down his cheeks, uncontrolled and wild. Pure hate filled his heart and he no longer cared what Zechs was holding, he only wanted him to die, now, by his own, bare hands.  
          “… Monster…” he choked out, so enraged, he could barely get the words out. Zechs raised the gun again, pointing it at Duo’s head.  
          “Don’t worry so much,” Zechs sneered without an ounce of remorse, “You’ll be joining lover boy soon.”  
          He pulled the trigger, the deafening sound of the gun filling the hallway once more, the only sound, as no one came to see what was going on.  
          Under the sound of the gun, Duo could hear the whispery sound of Heero saying his name, over and over, through bloody lips.  
   
  
   
          “Duo...” Heero’s voice called to him, so softly, Duo had to strain to hear it.   
          Duo’s eyes shot open as the shrill sound of the period ending bell violently shook him from his sleep. He sat up in his seat, his body shaking in shock as he tried to figure out what was going on. His head didn’t hurt… why didn’t his head hurt? The bell hid the noise of his panting gasp. His classmates moved around him as they rushed to get out of the science classroom and Duo sat there, his chest heaving and his stomach tightening in stress and fear. What was going on?   
          Duo heard his name again, but this time it was Quatre calling for him. Duo looked over and saw Heero looking at him in frantic worry. The second Heero saw him looking, however, he looked away and left. Duo didn’t see how Heero hesitated, not quite leaving the classroom as he watched Quatre go over to Duo’s seat. Duo refused to move, even as he felt Quatre’s hands on his arm and the blonde kneeled down to look him in the eye. Quatre took in the shaking, and how pale Duo was, with a deep concern.  
          What was going on? He couldn’t get past that… Heero was alive, not shot… he was still in the classroom… there was no bullet hole in his own head… What was going on? His frantic mind scrambled to put these puzzle pieces together. It was lunch time, which meant that the last twenty minutes of his ‘memories’ were a lie. Williams had never spoken to him, Zechs had never tried to rape him, had never shot Heero… he had fallen asleep in class. That made sense to him. He had been feeling tired and he must have dozed off without even realizing it… but that dream… it hadn’t been a dream, had it? It had seemed so real… he could still taste Zechs on his tongue, could still feel the cold metal of the gun as it had pressed against his forehead, could still feel the warmth of Zechs’ fingers on his skin… had he been dreaming or hallucinating? It hadn’t happened, that was clear to him now, but how could he dream a dream that wasn’t a dream? Was it possible to hallucinate something while you were asleep? Was he losing his damn mind? It was plausible… it would be the last blow in his life, the last nail in his coffin, but one he had always been waiting for. Oddly, it was the warmth and comfort of Quatre’s hand that kept him from becoming completely undone as he contemplated this new development, and what it meant for him.   
          The scariest thing of all was… if he hadn’t woken up, he would have gone on believing the lie. He hadn’t been aware that it was a dream until he had woken up… even when he dreamed, deep down, he _knew_ …  
          “Duo?” Quatre urged. Duo shook his head, trying to shake the dark sense of being trapped when he knew that he wasn’t.   
          “I’m ok,” he tried to assure the blonde, but he couldn’t see his own eyes and with how scared Quatre still looked, he was sure that his expression was frightening him more than his words were relaxing him, “I just fell asleep.”  
          Quatre frowned and got to his knees, gathering up Duo’s backpack for him. If Duo hadn’t felt so shaky, he would have protested it. He was freaked out by the tricks his mind was playing on him, but he wasn’t an invalid. Not yet, anyway. He got out of his seat and realized that Une was still there, staring at him, though she looked more like a concerned mother than an irritated teacher. He didn’t want to think about the fit Williams would have thrown if he had caught Duo sleeping in his class. He felt Quatre’s hand on his arm again, giving him the sort of support he desperately wanted from Heero. But Heero wasn’t the one next to him, ready to guide him to safety, and at this point in Duo’s terror at his own mental state, he was willing to take what he needed from his other friends. Une’s heels clicked on the floor as she walked up to him.  
          “Duo… I think we need to talk,” she said in a soft voice. Duo nodded in resignation. His encounter, or rather, his illusion of an encounter, with Williams was fresh in his mind, and he would rather deal with Une than his History teacher any day. Even if she scolded him for falling asleep, she would never be cruel about it. He looked over at Quatre, who was giving him a look that clearly said, if he didn’t want to talk to the teacher, Quatre would back him up.  
          “Are you sure?” the blonde asked, not really sure what was going on, but not liking the skittish animal look in Duo’s violet eyes.  
          “It’s fine,” Duo told him, “Just wait outside for me?”  
          Une smiled kindly at Quatre, which gave Duo the hope that he _wasn’t_ going to get screamed at.   
          “It’ll only be a couple of minutes, then you can have him back, Mr. Winner,” she reassured him. Quatre shot Duo another unsure look, but sighed heavily when he finally realized that Duo wasn’t going to ask for his help.  
          “I’ll be outside the door,” he told his longhaired friend. Duo just nodded and watched him leave. Quatre left with a frown as he walked out into the hallway and Heero was nowhere to be found. This was it, he told himself, as soon as he could get Heero alone, he was going to knock some sense into him, even if Heero hit him for it…  
          Duo’s back stiffened as his last support left him, but that stiffness melted out of him as his teacher placed a warm hand on his shoulder.  
          “Duo, are you alright?” she asked, genuinely concerned.   
          “I… I’m sorry about falling asleep in class,” he stammered, “I was just so tired… and then I had a weird dream… it was nothing.”  
          Une, like Quatre, wasn’t at all convinced by Duo’s words.  
          “I’ve noticed that you’ve been having a hard time in class lately,” she told him, “Are you getting enough sleep at night?”  
          Duo shrugged noncommittally.   
          “Enough, I guess. I’ve just been feeling… sick,” he confessed. Sickness was the closest word he had to describe what was wrong with him. What other word could come close to the fear that his mind could take no more stress, no more darkness, no more nightmares and was probably shattering, or how tired he was all the time, or his pitiful appetite?   
          “Does this have anything to do with why you and your friends left the field trip so early?” Une asked him.  
          “Well, I got the flu and Mrs. Yuy decided to pick me up, but since she was there, everyone decided to go home together,” Duo lied smoothly.   
          “Alright,” Une believed him, “But if you fall asleep in another class again, I’m going to have to talk to Mrs. Yuy about getting you to a doctor. I know you’re a dedicated student and wouldn’t be falling asleep like this unless you were really, really sick. So you’ll tell me if it happens again, won’t you?”  
          “Ok,” Duo agreed, another lie, if he did fall asleep in class again, he still didn’t want Name to find out about it. Une patted his shoulder and walked out of the classroom to take her lunch in the staff room. Duo watched her go with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He had lied. Again. Twice. He had thought that all of the lies were over and done with once he had come clean about his past to everyone. But now… they were starting again and he didn’t want that to happen. He was lying to Name, too, right, by not telling her about his sleeping problems? Why couldn’t he leave his past behind, why did it always seem to catch up to him like this? And the lies had come so easily, like it was his nature. He hadn’t even needed to think about it, it had just come bursting out of him, as easily as the truth. It was sickening. He didn’t want to be that person again!  
          Quatre was waiting for him outside the door and beamed at him.   
          “Everything ok?” he asked as he saw the dark look Duo had on his face. His sunny demeanor and never faltering caring for him made Duo’s spirit lift a little and he managed a smile in return.  
          “Yeah, no problems,” he said, “I…” another lie balanced itself on his tongue, but he refused to let Quatre hear it and swallowed it down, “I’ve been having trouble sleeping ever since I came back from that trip. Sometimes, I’m tired all the time, but I have nightmares about what happened… so sometimes I can’t sleep at all.”  
          There! He had told the truth and the world hadn’t ended. See, he told himself, I don’t have to be that person, if I just try harder. But… he still wasn’t telling Quatre about the hallucination, so was this really any better than outright lying to him?  
          “Are you sure you shouldn’t see a doctor?” Quatre asked in worry. Duo shook his head.  
          “Once the memories fade, the nightmares will go away, and I’ll be able to sleep better,” Duo theorized. It wasn’t really a lie, he just didn’t think it was going to happen, either. He had had nightmares before, had had trouble sleeping before, and maybe those things would fade, but this lethargy, and the hallucination wrapped in a dream… those things were new to him and he had no idea if they were going to go away or not. He hoped so. How was he supposed to function if he was scared to sleep, just because he didn’t know if what happened when he woke up was reality or just another dream?  
          “You’re probably right. Let’s go find Wufei and Trowa so we can have some lunch! Heero’s probably already saved us a table,” Quatre said cheerfully. Duo followed him as Quatre shouldered Duo’s backpack, feeling a little bit irritated that the blonde hadn’t given it back yet. They didn’t talk about Heero’s absence, what Duo had dreamed about, or how shaky Duo still looked.  
          “Mr. Maxwell?” a familiar voice, like a ghost in a mist that was quickly clearing, called out to Duo from behind him. He whirled, already knowing who he would see. Those infuriating dull brown eyes were just like the ones from his dream and Duo felt his hair stick up as a chill went through him.  
          “We need to have a little talk,” Williams began. That chill grew inside of Duo until he was practically bristling with fear and a sickening sense of déjà vu.   
          “Leave me alone!” he snarled and stormed ahead of Quatre, who was looking at Williams with an expression of great dislike and distrust. It was a ludicrous thought, but that feeling of déjà vu kept Duo thinking that what he had dreamed about could come true. It couldn’t, it was ridiculous, it was just a dream… he knew these things, but the thought of being alone with Williams again, whether it had been real or not, it had seemed real to him, was repugnant. He just wanted to be left alone! He didn’t want to hear what Williams thought, about anything, even if it was just about his homework, he didn’t even want to look at him!  
          “Now wait a minute,” Williams walked faster, irritated by Duo’s instant dismissal and rude behavior, but Quatre blocked his path.   
          “You heard him,” Quatre said in a brisk tone, “Just leave him alone. Whatever you have to say to him, it can wait until class.”  
          Quatre had no idea what could have made Duo snap at his teacher like that, but he didn’t like it. Williams was rude, a jerk and an asshole, in Quatre’s opinion, and he knew that he wasn’t the only one who thought so, but Duo had never been rude to the man before. Something had gotten under his friends skin, and he wasn’t sure what it was. His curiosity, and his concern for Duo, screamed at him to find out, but Duo was aloof on the best of days, no longer as sure to lie to them, but just as capable of hiding all the things that were close to his heart, to protect himself and them from knowing the truth. So, how could he possibly ask what was wrong when he was sure that Duo would never tell him until things had gotten so bad, he probably couldn’t fix things?  
          Duo kept walking, thoughts buzzing around in his head like irritating mosquitoes that he couldn’t never quite catch. Was it possible that… he was still dreaming? Was it possible that this wasn’t reality? Was it possible that his dream was the reality and this… wasn’t? How could he tell the difference? At both times, he could touch, feel, breathe, and think thoughts that he always thought. Everything seemed the same, seemed real, so how could he tell them apart?   
          _Does it really matter?_  
          Duo stopped walking. It was terrifying, realizing that he had no idea what his brain was doing, that he couldn’t even know if he was awake or asleep. But… in this reality, Heero was alive, and that was enough, right, even if he wasn’t talking to him? He shook his head at himself, this was reality… it had to be… either that, or he had to accept that he was going completely nuts, which was a truth that he didn’t want to admit yet. He had just had a very vivid, very nasty bad dream, right? It probably wouldn’t happen again… but if it did… insane people didn’t wake up from their nightmares, they lived them, and believed in them as the truth. He didn’t want to believe in a world where Heero was dead because of him!   
          “Duo?” he heard Quatre approach him. Duo’s heart raced. How could he figure this out? It felt like everything was unraveling… This was reality, his mind could think of no other. The likelihood that Zechs would actually shoot Heero… he was a bastard, but he wasn’t a murderer… it was easy for his mind to paint those events, but they weren’t real. He was panicking, Duo quickly realized, he was tired and sick and his mind was playing tricks with him. That was the reason why he was so confused and… falling right now. This certainly wasn’t the first time he had witnessed his world falling apart, and it wouldn’t be the last, he somehow knew. He just needed space, he needed to breathe and think, then things would make sense. They _had_ to make sense, because if they didn’t… there was something wrong with him, something he couldn’t possibly fix. He started to walk again, he didn’t even know where he was going, but it didn’t matter, he just couldn’t deal with being near his friends right now. Like so many times in the past, he was running… but his new life wouldn’t let him leave it, which suited him just fine. For once, he was running away, but he knew what he was coming back to.  
          “Duo!” Quatre called to him in a panic, trying to catch up to him. Duo looked back at him and Quatre’s heart stopped at the haunted expression he had.  
          “I just… need some space… ok, Kat?” he murmured. Quatre nodded, breathless at the strange emotions he saw in Duo’s eyes.      
          “I’ll see you next class?” he asked, unsure. He didn’t like letting Duo out of his sight with that look in his eyes… but what choice did he have? He cursed at himself. Heero and Trowa were so much better at this than he was. Duo was always hiding, and Quatre always felt so incapable of dragging him back out into the light, yet Trowa and Heero were able to do it so easily. He honestly didn’t know if letting Duo have his space right now was going to help him or hurt him. But what else could he do? He and Duo were so completely different, it was hard to find common ground. He loved him, like any good friend did, and he liked spending time with him, but when it came to Duo’s personal problems, how could he possibly talk to him? How could he understand things, like how it felt to be poor, or be abused, it seemed like the only thing they had in common was loneliness. At least in that respect, he could help him, but he had no idea what this was about. So, he did the only thing he could think of, he gave Duo what he wanted, he backed off.  
          Duo nodded, giving Quatre the assurance that he needed that he wasn’t going to run off again, that, possibly, he was going to be alright. At least he could tell the truth about that. He wasn’t going to skip class, and he wasn’t going to let his friends worry about him, not anymore. He had done enough damage to his friendships and his guilt wouldn’t let him make any more mistakes. He walked off, leaving Quatre looking abandoned, Duo’s backpack still slung over his shoulders.  
            
  
   
          Though he hadn’t meant to, Duo found himself standing in front of the nurse’s office door. He stopped for a moment, wondering, not for the first time, what he was doing, and found himself, once again, falling back on old habits. One thing at a time, those instincts told him. The exhaustion was back, or rather, it had never left. Instead of feeling lethargic, Duo was at that strange, scary point of tiredness where his body couldn’t figure out if it wanted to collapse into sleep, or be so wired, it could go on forever until it broke down completely. He needed sleep. If he slept, he wouldn’t be so tired, and if he was less tired, he could step back from this whole mess and figure out what was going on. Was he so tired, so sick, that he was hallucinating, or was it less physical and more… psychological? If he couldn’t even figure that much out, solving the problem would be impossible…  
          There were two other kids in the waiting room, sitting on the old wooden bench that was an awful like the one in the principal’s office, where kids had to wait to hear the verdict on punishments. Duo didn’t recognize either of the kids and sat uneasily on the bench next to them, wondering what the hell he was doing here. His hands fidgeted in his lap. He felt uneasy, unhinged, and completely confused. He was caught between being too hyper to sit still and too tired to do anything but try to lie down on the bench and take a nap.   
          He had to be normal, so his friends wouldn’t worry about him. He had to fix himself. Sleeping in class, regardless of the dreams or hallucinations, could not happen. Was it because of the nightmares that he was so tired? But how could he possibly stop them when they happened every time he slept? The door to the office opened and Nurse Po stepped out. The last time he had seen her had been on the day he had returned to school after he had run away and she hadn’t changed a bit, still just as tall and pretty with her light blue eyes amidst her Asian features, her honey hair in loose, winding braids that draped over her shoulders. The waiting room was the same too, still just a tiny intersecting room with the hallway on one side and the nurse’s office on the other, with the same exact posters and furniture as always. It dragged him back to that time when he had been so terribly hurt, Heero had practically dragged him here in concern. He had loved that concern and he missed it, now that he was back here. If Heero had only still cared for him, would he have run to him right now instead of this place? He had no doubts that he would have. But he couldn’t run to him, not anymore, he just had to keep reminding himself that.   
          Duo was sure that, if he had ever told Heero about what Sally had done, he would have expected Duo to always be bitter towards her, but he wasn’t. Maybe, at first, he had been a little bit bitter about her not helping him, but truthfully, he had been used to it, and he understood, more than anyone else ever could, how hard it was to do the right thing when your life and health were being threatened. So, oh so very long ago, the night Wes had taken off the streets under the pretense of food and had taken his virginity from him, he should have run away. Anyone else would have, but the threat of pain and death had allowed to him to just… let things happen. He had staid when he should have fled, because of fear and fear alone. Every time he had watched Wes kill someone or rape someone, he had never gone to the police, had never told a soul. He hadn’t even tried to stop Wes, to talk him out of it. So, he understood the fear that had made Sally look the other way.  
          The truth was, he hadn’t deserved to be saved, especially not at the risk of another person’s life, so how could he be bitter about it? He wasn’t a good person. He, through hope and foolishness, had let himself be tricked by a man that had never seemed trustworthy in the first place. He had let Heero save him, and now Heero was in danger, the same danger that Sally had been in. It would have been better for Heero if they had never met, but Duo’s selfishness and need made it impossible for him to wish that that had happened. The night that Heero had found him again, he had had the chance to kill Chris, and he hadn’t. That was his fault, if he had just had the guts to go through with it… what had happened in Boston never would have happened. But, Heero still would have been in danger from Wes, but Chris would be dead… But… if it came down to it, could he really be a murderer? He was a lot of things, a whore, a coward, a thief… but, could he really _kill_ Chris and Wes? Could he make the decision to… end someone’s life? He… he didn’t think he could. That was good, right? He didn’t want to be a murderer…  
          Sally saw him sitting there and her eyes widened in surprise.  
          “Duo?” she said almost excitedly, her voice tinged with alarm. Duo realized that he hadn’t been in great shape the last time he had come here, either times, and she was probably assuming the worst, “Why don’t you come in?”  
          “These two were here before me,” he protested, but the woman shook her head.  
          “It’s fine,” she waved off his concerns, “I wanted to know how you were feeling anyway.”  
          Duo blushed a little as he followed her inside, the other two boys glaring at him as they were forced to wait even longer. The office was just like he remembered it, too, a few beds and cabinets, plus curtains for privacy on all the beds. Those beds, while not the most comfortable things, sure looked inviting now. It felt like he could barely keep his eyes open. But… sleep was the problem, wasn’t it? He didn’t want to have another hallucination or nightmare, but his lack of sleep was an even bigger problem right now.  
          “So, what’s the problem?” Sally asked him as she closed the door behind her.   
          “Nothing like before,” he assured her with a slight wince. He hoped to never be in a condition like that again, and didn’t expect to with Name’s care for his health, “I was just wondering if I could lie down for awhile.”  
          There it was again, not quite a lie, but hiding the truth. It would be an easy thing to just tell her about falling asleep in class and having vivid nightmares, but he wouldn’t tell her. He hadn’t even told Quatre or Trowa, but the near lie still tasted bad in his mouth.  
          Sally frowned at Duo. It was school policy that any student who showed up at the nurse’s office had to have something wrong with them, or they would be sent back to class, in order to stop students from faking and getting sent home early. Duo did look tired, almost swaying on his feet, but he certainly didn’t have a fever… but this was the boy she had let down so badly… Sally had heard the rumors about what had happened to Duo and she couldn’t help but feel a terrible wave of guilt at knowing that she had _allowed_ those things to happen by not going to the police, but she had been so _scared_.   
          “Alright, you can stay here as long as you want until you feel better,” Sally smiled gesturing to the beds. Duo smiled back.  
          “Thanks,” he said, going over to a bed in the far corner that would give him a little bit more privacy. Sleep… that was all he needed, never mind that it seemed like that was all he was doing lately and it didn’t seem to be helping him at all. But… as long as he could, somehow keep from falling asleep in class, everything would be fine, and what he needed was a little time away from people, right? Otherwise… well, he didn’t really have a plan beyond this.  
   
  
            
          _It was absolutely sweltering out, though it was still early in the morning, and it was only May. This summer was going to be brutal, Duo could feel it in his bones, like any native of the town could. When you lived in a place for long enough, you just knew things about it. Like when a storm was coming, or when the summers or winters were going to be especially long. As Duo struggled down the sidewalk with two six packs of beer balanced in his little, nine-year-old hands with a gallon of milk perched precariously on top, his white t-shirt and khaki shorts stuck to his skin in the intense humidity. It didn’t help matters that Wes had no air conditioning. Chris said that it was the humidity that was unbearable and not the heat, but Duo had no idea what the difference was. All he knew was that, as Chris loved to say, it was ‘hotter than fuck’. It was hard to walk carrying the heavy things in his thin arms wearing his sandals, he much preferred his sneakers as his sandals had a habit of falling off of his small feet, but it was just too hot for the heavier shoes. He had almost dropped the milk a few blocks back when his right sandal had flown off his foot and had almost disappeared down a gutter. Dropping the milk would have been alright, but if he dropped even one glass bottle of beer, his ass would have paid for it. Literally._  
 _Duo hated the heat, always had, always would, and he hated being around Wes in the heat, because he was always cranky and took that out on him. He had actually been kind of glad that the blonde man had sent him out on this chore, though it wasn’t something that he usually did, but as long as it got him out of Wes’ way. Duo wasn’t stupid, he knew that Wes had gotten him out of the house for a reason, and it hadn’t been for beer, though that could have been a good enough reason. For the man to be secretive, it meant that he was playing one of his twisted games, something that made Duo shiver. He **hated** those games. The trip to the store had been kind of nice, though. The man at the liquor store knew Wes, which meant that he ‘knew’ Duo, so there hadn’t been any fuss when Duo had gone to get the beer. He had even liked standing in the glow of the refrigerator as he tried to pick out the right brand. It was cold back there and he had been shivering in minutes, so the chill had lasted a little while even when he left the store. _  
_Duo hated beer as much as he hated the heat. It smelled nasty, made people act weird, and it tasted nasty, too. Wes had tried to get him drunk once, saying that he wanted to fuck when he was out of his mind, to see how it was, and he had hated the taste of it. He hadn’t gotten drunk, either, he had just thrown up and that had ended that experiment. He hated the experiments, they were like the games and ended the same way, with him ashamed and hating himself and wishing he had the courage to do something so stupid that Wes was forced to shoot him._  
 _On his way back to the apartment, Duo saw that some kids had gotten a hose hooked up and were running through a sprinkler that was spraying the water all over place. It looked like fun, especially to a kid that had never seen a swimming pool in his entire life, but mostly, it made him worry about spilling the beer as his sandals slipped on the watery pavement. Trying to get the apartment door open was the hardest part. It was hard enough to do it without both of his hands full since he had to stand on his tippy toes just to reach the door handle._  
 _Duo jumped as he felt something furry brush against his legs just as he had managed to get the door open and was attempting to push it open enough to dash inside. The milk shifted in his grip and nearly fell again. He glared at the black cat that was twined around his legs._  
 _“Midnight!” he scolded the mother cat. She looked up at him with yellow eyes and meowed at him with an innocent look that said “what did I do?” Duo rolled his eyes at her and, very carefully so he didn’t trip over the cat, he managed to get inside the apartment without dropping anything. The door closed with a bang behind him and he didn’t worry about Midnight trying to get inside the apartment. She knew better than that. More like she was scared about the human space, or rather, the humans that lived inside it. Or maybe it was the nearly constant stench of blood and sex that Duo thought anyone could smell if they dared to go inside._  
 _Duo slipped his sandals off and was putting the beer in the fridge when he heard a strange sound come from Wes’ bedroom. It sounded like a hitched breath, or some other sharp, high-pitched sound that rose and fell quickly. Or, it sounded like someone trying to scream, but couldn’t, Duo realized. He immediately regretted his decision to let the heavy door bang like that. Now Wes knew that he was home and there was no way for him to sneak back out and wait for the source of the noise to leave or stop or something. In living with Wes, Duo had learned that it was the mystery of things that was the most terrifying. Sure, there were things that were just as scary when you figured out what they were, but other things weren’t so bad as what your imagination made them. He suddenly wanted to know what that sound was. He was sure it was part of the game. Wes had sent him out and now that he knew he was home, he had planned some terrible trick for him. Or, he was doing something ‘business’ related and didn’t want Duo getting in his way. Either way, he had to know what was going on, both because he was curious and because of his own safety._  
 _Tip toeing down the hall to Wes’ room was easy when he was barefoot. Sneaking was one of those few things that he had remained good at, even though it had been a long time since he had needed to sneak or pickpocket or any of the other skills he had needed to survive on the streets. Now, he had a whole new set of survival skills, mainly doing what he was told and staying the hell out of Wes’ way. Wes’ door was open just a crack, enough for him to peek and see what was going on. There were no windows in Wes’ room, but there was a lamp and the light spilling into the room was enough for him to see._  
 _Chris and Wes were on Wes’ bed, but there was someone else in there as well. A little girl. With the two larger men blocking his view, all he could see were her bare legs, and above her neck. She had pretty, short, curly blonde hair and eyes the color of olives, not exactly a pretty color, especially not with the wide look of shock she had on. Her legs were bloody and Duo knew from first hand experience what had happened. His arms shook in repulsion and memory. A small voice in his head screamed at him to run in there and save her, but he stayed frozen in place. Her eyes met his, but they were completely hollow and flat. It was like being looked at by a doll. Duo shivered. There was nothing left to her…_  
 _Duo heard Chris sigh heavily._  
 _“She’s a dud,” the tall man said in irritation, “She’s no good like this. She doesn’t even look like she’s still alive! We’ll have to look for another blonde…”_  
 _“Give me the knife then,” Wes snapped at him in frustration. Chris obediently handed him a knife. Duo watched its gleaming surface as Wes suddenly slit the girl’s throat, the blood gushing over the covers and dripping down onto the floor._  
 _Duo gasped in shock, taking a step back from the door. They had just… killed her… because she was… he didn’t even know… He fled, as fast as he could, to his room. He didn’t close the door. It wouldn’t do him any good. There were no locks._  
 _They had to have heard him. How could they not have heard him? Would they kill him, too? And yet, the thought of his death didn’t really bother him, not like how that image of the girl… and the knife… did. Why hadn’t Wes killed him after he had raped him like he had that girl? Because he had been… what? More useful, a better fuck, prettier… what was it? Bile rose in his throat. He should have done something, he should have saved her. It was his fault she was dead… he could have stopped it… there had to have been a way…_  
 _Duo scrambled up on his bed, wrapping his arms around his knees. They had to go look for another one, he could stop them… but he wouldn’t. He was too much of a coward. In that instant, realizing that he wouldn’t do anything if they brought another little girl home, he hated himself more than ever. Minutes passed with him shivering on his bed and an eerie silence had fallen in the apartment. He heard movement in the kitchen, but the sound was so quiet, it was indiscernible. He didn’t move as he suddenly heard Wes’ very familiar stride walking towards his room. He had nowhere to run anyway. If he had been serious about running, he would have gone for the door. He might have made it, too. But he hadn’t. The rule not to run away had been beaten into him too many times for him to have any spirit for it anymore. This was his cage, it always would be, up until the day he died… his very own foreseeable tomb._  
 _Wes walked through the door, a cold, glass, unopened bottle of beer in one hand and a little tube of lubricant in the other. A chill went down Duo’s spine, like it always did when he could predict sex. He bit his lip hard, his survival instincts hadn’t quite died over the years and they were conflicted between running and staying, like he had been trained and beaten to do. Wes had a little smirk on his face as he approached Duo on the bed, placing the beer on the bedside table, and sitting next to Duo. Duo shook a little as Wes’ large hands unbuttoned his shorts, sliding them down, off his hips, and unzipped his own pants enough that he could bring his cock, hard and wet, out of them. As Wes shifted to get on the bed and loom over the boy, Duo saw a still wet patch of blood on his shirt and realized he could smell it, too._  
 _“You know, we got real lucky with you,” Wes said as he busied himself with spreading lube over three of his fingers, “What you just saw with that girl… we weren’t so lucky with her.”_  
 _Duo fought the urge to close his eyes as Wes spread his legs and slipped two well-lubed fingers inside of him. Closing your eyes on Wes was a bad thing, he had learned that lesson many times over._  
 _“She was too weak for this line of work,” Wes went on to explain as he stretched Duo with his fingers until he seemed satisfied, “You are different. You’re stronger. Do you understand what I’m trying to say to you? She was useless to us.”_  
 _Duo shook his head, his breath hitching a little as he felt Wes’ cock nudge at his entrance, pushing into him. He didn’t think he would get used to this if he lived for a hundred years._  
 _‘But you didn’t have to **kill** her!’ Duo’s mind screamed what he didn’t have the guts to say out loud._  
 _“I don’t understand,” he said and he didn’t. Why was he stronger than that girl? He didn’t feel stronger at all. He gritted his teeth as Wes’ impressive length thrust inside of his body, all the way to his balls. The man let out a low, appreciative groan._  
 _“Chris can say what he wants,” Wes groaned as he slid his cock in and out of Duo’s tight ass, the boy underneath him making small sounds of pain at the feeling of piercing thickness, though there was no blood this time, “This is so much better than pussy.”_  
 _Duo hated this more than the beatings, more than anything, the feeling of a man’s weight bearing down on him, the repetitive thrusting, even the feel of Wes’ hands on his hips as he mated with him. He felt so hot inside of him, each movement hurting his back and he just wanted to scream, but knew better. He should be used to this by now, right? So why couldn’t he…_  
 _Duo winced as Wes grunted and he felt thick, hot sperm erupt inside of him. Wes’ member slipped out of him and the semen dripped out onto the sheets. Duo finally allowed his eyes to slip closed, his chest heaving in exertion, his muscles aching from having Wes on top of him for so long. He felt the grey-eyed man’s fingers trace over his cheek, almost affectionately._  
 _“Now do you understand why you’re better than that girl, how frustrating it is to try to find others like you?” he heard Wes ask. He shook his head._  
 _“I don’t…” he said adamantly. He certainly didn’t feel strong or better right now with Wes’ cum on his skin and his back aching and the feeling of shame piercing his heart. Wes made an annoyed sound, which made Duo open his eyes in fear that he was about to be hit. Instead, he saw Wes holding the red scarves he often used to tie him up with. He had no idea where they had come from. Maybe they had been in Wes’ pocket, or maybe he had pulled them out of thin air, Duo couldn’t tell. He moved back, away from the man in confusion as he grabbed his leg._  
 _“Don’t squirm,” Wes barked. Duo’s body immediately obeyed, staying still. He let the man tie each of his wrists to each ankle, which not only made it impossible for him to move, but also prompted him to keep his legs spread wide. He hated this position, it was so embarrassing._  
 _“If you don’t understand,” Wes chided as he grabbed the beer bottle, still icy cold and covered in condensation, making it slippery, “Then I’ll just have to show you.”_  
 _Duo watched with wide eyes as Wes dripped some more lube in his hand and covered the bottom end of the bottle with it._  
 _“W-wait,” he protested. The bottle wasn’t huge, but it was a bit bigger than Wes’ penis, and it **looked** cold…_  
 _“Quiet,” Wes ordered, even though he knew there was nothing the boy could do with the way he was tied up, “Relax. If you can take all of this, and I know you can, I’ll untie you and let you go get a milk shake, it’s damn hot enough for it. If you don’t, then I’ll slit your throat like I did that little bitch’s.”_  
 _Duo whimpered as he felt Wes place the fat end of the bottle against his loose hole and start to push it in. His thighs trembled as he felt the icy glass spread his insides wide and it slipped in, inch by inch._  
 _“Please…” he cried out, “Too cold…”_  
 _The glass was slick, but freezing to the touch. It felt like he was being pierced by a huge chunk of ice. It didn’t hurt, but it felt overwhelming and uncomfortable. His toes curled as the bottle slid even further inside of him, though he was sure that there was no way all of it would go it, it was too big and the coldness was doing something weird to his insides. He couldn’t even describe it, it just made him shake and want to throw up._  
 _“Ssh,” Wes cooed, “See, it’s almost entirely inside of you.”_  
 _Duo shook his head in denial, fighting against the urge to push the bottle out of him, but was too scared, not wanting to find out what else Wes would do if he didn’t do this. Tears poured down his cheeks and he sobbed at the violating feeling that seemed almost worse than being raped by the real thing. Then, the sliding sensation stopped and Wes let go of the bottle, Duo’s tight anal muscles holding it in place as he cupped the boy’s cheek._  
 _“There, that wasn’t so bad, now was it?” Wes teased. Duo shook his head again, his messy hair falling in front of eyes._  
 _“Please, take it out,” he begged, his butt throbbing, not quite in pain, but something else that was even more unpleasant. He felt so cold, inside and out… but it had nothing to do with the bottle._  
 _“Duo…”_  
  
   
          “Duo… Duo, wake up…”  
            
          Duo opened his eyes and, not for the first time today, was surprised by what he saw. Instead of cold grey eyes glaring down at him like he had expected, there were soft browns so dark, they were nearly black.  
          “ ‘Fei,” he murmured sleepily. Wufei sighed in relief.  
          “I kept calling your name, but you wouldn’t wake up,” he told him, “I would have let you sleep, but… you were crying in your sleep.”  
          Duo quickly realized that he was telling the truth by the feel of wetness on his cheeks. He sat up in the bed and hastily wiped the tears off his skin. The nurse’s office… he had had another nightmare. He certainly couldn’t count this one as a hallucination since he knew for a fact that he had fallen asleep, and what he had dreamed was just another one of his memories turned nightmare. Did that mean he wouldn’t have another dream like he had had in Science class? Somehow he doubted that.  
          “What time is it?” he asked in confusion. He shouldn’t have had the time to dream. Lunch was only thirty minutes, but he felt like he had been dreaming for awhile. He wasn’t sure how long the human brain needed to slip into the part of sleep that allowed for dreams, but it certainly didn’t feel like he had only been sleeping for a half an hour. Wufei looked sheepish at the question.  
          “Well, when you didn’t show up at lunch, Quatre had us looking for you. I figured, if you weren’t feeling well, you’d go here, but you looked like you really needed to sleep, so I didn’t want to disturb you, but then you started to cry… We’re supposed to be at Gym right now, but I texted Quatre and he told the teacher, so you’re excused,” he assured him. Duo groaned. Quatre was going to kill him! He was usually good about waking himself up on time, but he had slept right through lunch and one of his classes.   
          Duo’s eyes widened as Wufei’s fingers brushed over his bangs, a look of deep concern on the black haired boy’s face. The move and expression were so much like Heero that it threw him off guard.  
          “Duo… what’s going on?” Wufei asked. Duo looked down at his lap. Someone, probably Sally, had put a blanket over him. That display of care made him blush.  
          “I fell asleep in class today,” Duo admitted to him, “I was fine this morning, but as soon as I got to school… I’ve been so tired lately, on and off, and that block, it just got to me, I guess. But that’s not even the worst part! I had this… dream. I’m not even sure if I can call it that. It seemed so real, I thought it _was_ real. But then… I woke up. I’m not even sure if you _can_ have hallucinations when you’re sleeping, but that’s what it felt like. And I’ve been having these constant, terrible nightmares ever since that stupid field trip. I just… I don’t even know what’s wrong anymore.”  
          Duo had no idea why he was confessing these things to Wufei, maybe it was the memory of his guilt over that little girl’s death and his shame of being so… weak and helpless, or maybe it was just because he was scared, but he found that the words came easily now, as though Wufei was the right person to talk to. Trowa and Quatre were so worried and would probably send him to a hospital if they found this stuff out, and Heero wasn’t even talking to him, but Wufei was his friend, but also distant enough from this that, if he asked him not to tell, Duo was sure he wouldn’t. That, and Duo knew that Wufei still felt guilty about the way he had treated him in the hospital. Maybe it was manipulative to know that and use that as a reason to tell Wufei the truth, but he felt like he could trust him not to tell.  
          Wufei gave him a perceptive stare.  
          “Duo… that’s some really heavy stuff,” he took a deep breath, “Look, my mom’s a doctor, and she used to want to be a psychologist, so I’ve learned a few things about it… the nightmares, your constant sleeping, and the dream you had in Science class… those could be signs of post traumatic stress disorder. I mean… you’ve gone through so much, and what happened in Boston was so terrible… it sounds like it could be a very serious psychological problem.”  
          Duo felt the first gleams of hope at Wufei actually having some knowledge on this subject, even if it was wrong, at least it was something.  
          “So there’s something I can do? I can fix this?” he asked, unable to keep the hope out of his voice. Wufei sighed.  
          “I have no idea. I know about the logistics and symptoms of the disorder, but that’s all I know. You should see a therapist. Or, it could be something else. There are some illnesses that deal with the symptoms you’ve described, too, though PTSD seems a lot more likely…” Wufei tried to explain. Duo’s hopes deflated at that. He had really wanted some sort of definitive answer for what was wrong with him, but Wufei was just as clueless as he was. It was depressing, but it was also kind of nice to know that he wasn’t alone in his confusion.  
          “What should I do?” he asked the empty room. Wufei put a hand over his, his heart aching at the depressed look on Duo’s face in a way that was entirely inappropriate to feel towards a friend.  
          “I don’t know,” he confessed, “But whatever you should do, you shouldn’t be doing it alone.”  
          Duo mulled that over. He knew that Wufei was right. He was being foolish, trying to hide things again. The more he hid, the more he kept people in the dark, the more often the people he loved got hurt.  
          “I’ll tell them,” he decided, “Quatre, Trowa, Name… Heero, if he’ll listen. I don’t want to try to figure this out on my own.”  
          Wufei smiled, feeling humbled by Duo’s strength. If it had been him… he wouldn’t have even wanted to look at the problem, he would have tried to ignore it, pretend that things were alright, that he was strong. Duo, at least, tried to be honest to his problems, especially now that he had people who cared about solving those problems.  
          “Come on, Quatre’s worried about you,” Wufei prompted. Duo tossed the blanket off of him and got to his feet.  
          “Well, he shouldn’t be. He’s holding my book bag hostage,” Duo grumbled, suddenly remembering that he was without his books and, well, everything. He waved to Sally as the left the office. Even though he had decided to tell his family about the nightmares, he couldn’t help but feel scared about what they would say.  
  
  
  
      
  
  
      
  
End Part 13


	34. Surgery Part 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo continues to have terrible dreams, but pushes Heero away when he tries to help. Heero's friends try to convince him that his idea that he is to blame for the kidnapping is wrong and he and Duo are only hurting each other.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 14  
  
    Something was wrong. Heero had woken an hour with that feeling in his gut. The hairs on his neck were standing on end and he just knew that something wasn’t right. In a way, he was glad for the intrusion into his sleep. He hated sleep now. Sleep meant nightmares, which meant that he had relive that painful day in his dreams over and over and over… that day when he had been forced to watch his best friend, the boy that he secretly loved, be raped, while he just sat there, unable to do more than scream. Sleep had quickly become the enemy. But then… so had everything else. He could tell himself that he was doing the right thing by staying away from Duo, which was what the longhaired boy wanted, right? That was why he flinched whenever he was near him. Duo blamed him for what had happened, for breaking his promises, for not being able to protect him and Heero didn’t blame him for thinking those things, because he knew that they were the truth. The big, bad Heero Yuy, who had always thought so much about himself, couldn’t even protect his best friend from being raped. How pathetic was that. But… he could tell himself those things, that what he was doing was right and good, but when he yearned to be with Duo, more than he ever had before, it was so hard to listen. He wanted to do the right thing, whatever that was; to make Duo smile like he had before, but it wasn’t working. Staying away from him wasn’t working. Duo wasn’t happy.  
    That hurt, knowing that Duo wasn’t happy. He wanted him to be, he certainly deserved it. And it was killing Heero inside, the distance between them. They had been so close, but they both had thrown the brakes on their friendship and now Heero didn’t even know what the right thing to do anymore was. He was suffering, Duo was suffering, and suddenly, all those promises that had been broken wouldn’t leave him alone. If they were broken… did that mean that they were dead? But if that were true, then why did he find himself wanting to keep them? He just wanted to be with Duo… but Duo hated him, and Heero hated himself… and there was no way around those things, was there? He just wanted Duo better. He wanted to protect him, but how could he possibly do that when Duo didn’t want him around anymore?  
    Heero heard a sharp noise coming through the wall that separated his and Duo’s bedrooms and knew what was wrong. Earlier today, when they had come home from school, Duo had confided in all of them about his nightmares as Heero had stood in the background, listening intently. He had even told them about how tired he had been lately, and falling asleep in Science class. Heero had known that something was wrong today. He might be keeping a distance from Duo, to keep himself from hurting, and to listen to Duo’s wishes, but he never ignored him. He watched him, constantly, studied him. He felt like… if he couldn’t be a part of Duo’s life anymore, at least he could observe it. So he had seen, before anyone else had, how tired Duo was, how he seemed to drag himself around lately. And this morning, he had watched as Duo had fallen asleep in class. Given how serious Duo was about school, it was alarming to watch him just doze off like that, and then how he had woken up…  
Duo had refused to give the specifics of his dreams, but Heero knew that they were bad enough to disturb the other boy. He knew that feeling. Some nights, he didn’t want to sleep at all and he knew that Duo’s dreams plagued him, even before that trip to Boston. Heero heard another strange noise come from the direction of Duo’s room and his body tensed as he lay on his back in bed. He was probably having some sort of terrible nightmare right now, and here he was, just lying here, listening and doing nothing. Just like before. Heero shuddered at the memory and the terrible feeling of helplessness. Duo didn’t want his help… so what else was there to do but lie here, in the dark, and listen as he was probably in some sort of deep, emotional distress…  
    Heero kicked the covers off of him and rolled out of bed. He couldn’t stand it anymore. He couldn’t just… lie here and listen when Duo was probably crying! He needed… someone. He needed the warmth of another person. No… he needed Duo’s warmth. If he couldn’t have his love, he needed his friendship. Even if Duo hated him… he needed that sort of comfort. He was sure that they both did. At least… at least he wanted Duo to not cry in his sleep anymore. This wasn’t the first night he had to listen to those sounds.   
    Heero opened the door to Duo’s room and stepped inside. The orb on his desk cast the room in a pleasant glow, aided by the window that had no shades drawn, the lamplight from outside spilling into the room, the glass of the window streaked with water as it rained outside. Duo was in his bed, his body curled up into a tight little ball, his form shaking. In the low light of the room, Heero could see the tears running down his face as he dreamed. As he approached the bed, Heero’s heart beat wildly out of control. Duo’s braid was draped over his shoulder and curled, like Duo was, on the bed by his chest, but it looked messy, like Duo had been moving around in his sleep. His breathing as he slept hitched, almost like he was sobbing, and the closer that Heero got the bed, the more he could see how tense Duo’s muscles were.  
    It was the sound and sight of Duo’s tears that made Heero sit on the edge of the bed, tentatively, as though he were trying to approach a wild animal. Duo was going to throw him out on his ass, he was sure of that, but if he could just touch him, feel his warm, alive skin, maybe wake him up from whatever terrible dream was making him cry like that… it would be worth it, he was sure of it. Heero reached out his hand and placed his fingertips on Duo’s cheek, letting them brush the chestnut hair away from the closed eyes. Heero’s heart seemed to lurch at the feel of the silken skin under his fingers. It really was warm, though damp in some places because of his tears.   
Heero was scared to move, to even breathe, but, in his sleep, Duo didn’t flinch away from him. Instead, he seemed to gravitate towards Heero’s own warmth. A deep sense of wonder filled Heero, making him feel bolder. He moved his hand to Duo’s thin shoulder, feeling the form of his arm through the t-shirt he wore as a pajama top. It made his heart skip. Was this the only way he could see Duo anymore, to be with him? Stolen moments in the middle of a nightmare? It made him want to cry.  
    Suddenly, Duo’s features grimaced and new tears flowed down his face. He made a small, wordless whimper that tore at Heero’s heart.  
    “Ssh,” Heero tried to soothe, slipping into bed with his best friend and wrapping his arms around him, no longer caring that Duo hated him and blamed him, he was solely concerned with stopping Duo’s tears, “It’s ok, I’m not going to let anything happen-,” the old promise froze on his tongue. Things felt like old times, that affection, the promises… but it wasn’t the same, it couldn’t ever be the same… but it felt that way, like, if he just closed his eyes and forgot, nothing had changed.   
    Duo whimpered again and suddenly threw his arms around Heero, pushing his body against his. Heero froze, waiting for Duo to push him out of the bed, but it never happened. Duo just hung on to him as he cried. He stroked the shorter boy’s back, trying to still his shaking.  
    “It’s ok,” he said again, “Duo, it’s ok…”  
    “H… r’o?” Duo murmured, half asleep. Heero looked down in alarm to see the American looking up at him with half-open violet eyes that were tinged red from crying, “Wha..?”  
    Heero blushed darkly. He felt completely unbalanced by this whole thing. There was a little voice in his head demanding to know what the hell he was doing in Duo’s room, in his bed, in his arms, but… he found that he didn’t care. He was holding Duo in his arms. That was what mattered… that touch, that wonderful touch… and Duo’s eyes… they weren’t full of hate, they were confused, but… happy. His eyes were filled with happiness, like Duo was looking at a long lost friend, and Heero didn’t care if Duo was too sleepy to understand what was happening. He was happy.  
    “Go back to sleep, ok?” Heero urged. Duo nodded, his eyes closing easily. Heero felt as his heart started to pound painfully as Duo snuggled against his chest. Heero tightened his grip on his friend, unable to stop his heart from racing. He just couldn’t believe he was this close to Duo again.  
    ‘It won’t last,’ a cruel voice in his head jeered. Heero ignored it. He knew it wouldn’t last, but he didn’t care, in this moment… he was so happy, he felt like crying. He closed his eyes, feeling Duo’s soft, relaxed heart against his own. He didn’t want morning to come… but he knew, even as he drifted off, like all terrible, inevitable things, it would, and pain and misery would come with it, but for as long as the sky was dark, he would revel in this moment.  
*****  
    Duo awoke with the feeling that something was different. Not necessarily wrong, but something had definitely changed. Lately, all he did was wake up in the throes of a nightmare, but now he roused out of a sound sleep, so deep that, for once, he didn’t feel tired at all. Then, he had woken feeling warm, and the reason was obvious. He felt the odd sensation of skin against his own and instantly wondered how it could be that he wasn’t panicking. The smell of the other person was familiar and he awoke with a slightly drugged feeling that screamed ‘contentment’ at him.   
    Duo opened his eyes, and all his questions were answered with one glance. Heero Yuy was in his bed. Not just in his bed, but the blue-eyed boy had his arms around him, sheltering him. He was still half-asleep, but he remembered, in a memory that lacked so much solidity, it was like a ghost, Heero getting into bed with him after he had had a terrible, gruesome nightmare he had no wish to recall. If Heero hadn’t been there, in that moment, Duo would have assumed this memory was just a fragment of a dream, but the proof was wrapped around him in a way that was so pleasant, if he was a religious person, he would have called it sinful. His body shuddered with delight at the feeling of their skin pressed up against each other. He wanted to reach out to him, he wanted…  
    Duo put an abrupt halt to those thoughts. What he wanted… could never happen, not even in his dreams, and truthfully, he had never dreamed of those things, only the monsters, only the dark. He didn’t want Heero to leave. Wasn’t the lack of nightmares the proof of that? Once Heero had come, he hadn’t dreamed. But this couldn’t happen! How had it happened in the first place? As mad as Heero was at him, he couldn’t have imagined Heero trying to comfort him. He thought that had to have woken Heero up, and he must have annoyed him enough…  
    No! His heart screamed that at him, there was no way that caring Heero had showed him last night had been because Heero wanted him to shut up. He had cared… he still cared? Tears prickled at Duo’s eyes. Heero hated him… but he still cared enough to soothe the bad things away. That shouldn’t be… but it made a strong spark of happiness flitter through his heart. This couldn’t happen. He had distanced himself from Heero for a reason, a reason that had little to do with Heero’s hate, though that was a small part of it.   
    His past was hunting him. Not just him, but everyone that he loved. He couldn’t let anyone get hurt because of him. He had to push Heero away. He never should have gotten so close to him to begin with. Because he had… Heero had almost died. And if he flinched because he was terrified of making Heero dirty, of showing him the sort of nasty person he was, deep down inside, that was only natural. He just didn’t want to be responsible for losing what he had struggled to get, his family. If he had to look at Heero from afar in order to keep him in his life, he would suffer through it. Somehow… he would live with it, even if it killed his heart to do so.  
    ‘If that’s true,’ a demeaning voice asked inside his head, ‘Then why just Heero? Why not push them all away?’  
    ‘Because,’ Duo answered himself, without even being aware that he was doing it, ‘Heero was the one that was hurt, the one Chris threatened. Because… above all else… I can’t lose Heero, no matter what.’  
    This moment… it was so wonderful, being tucked so safely in Heero’s arms. He felt safe, even with Heero’s contempt. He didn’t want to leave, but in order to keep Heero safe, he couldn’t let him be close to him. He had to keep pushing him away.  
    ‘But… Heero’s unhappy, too,’ that voice rang out stubbornly.   
But… Heero was alive, right, and wasn’t that more important than being happy? But, even if that was true… no, it couldn’t be true. He had lived with unhappiness, and every second in that darkness, he had wished for his death. Life without happiness… what was the point? But he didn’t know that Heero was unhappy, he just acted like it. Yet… Heero had comforted him. Did that mean he was forgiven?  
No, he couldn’t think like that! If he started to think that way… he would just put Heero in harm’s way again. If Heero hated him, it would be so much easier, but was it possible that he was wrong? Could he possibly be mistaken, and Heero had never hated him and he was just hurting him over and over and over again? Who was he to decide that Heero’s life was more important than his happiness? He didn’t own him, and if Heero decided that being friends was more important than being safe… No, he didn’t want to consider that! He was doing the right thing, wasn’t he? He was keeping Heero safe. So why, why did he have so many doubts? Why did he feel like he was tearing out his own heart?  
    “Hey.”  
    Duo looked up into Heero’s very awake, deep blue eyes as the other boy looked down at him with an odd expression that Duo couldn’t really put a name to. He wanted to call it affectionate, but he hesitated to use the word.  
    “Heero…” he murmured, his tongue feeling thick in his mouth as he struggled over his words, “You… you need to leave.”  
    Heero’s eyes widened in surprise for a second, and then his face took a flat, expressionless quality that Duo instantly hated.  
    “Alright,” he said, and that was all. He got up without another word, but to Duo’s shock, instead of just leaving, Heero pulled the covers back over Duo, his hand lingering as it brushed over Duo’s shoulder, like he didn’t want to leave. Then, he was gone, closing the door behind him. A few tears fell from Duo’s eyes and he was immensely glad Heero had left before they had fallen. He didn’t know if that was because he didn’t want to show that sort of weakness, have to explain why he was crying, or just… he was too afraid what Heero would do, if he would leave him crying, without a concern, or he would comfort him, beg the truth out of him. He didn’t know which would be worse. Duo closed his eyes, telling himself it was for the best… but no matter how many times he recited to himself all the reasons why he was pushing Heero away, he still hated himself. He didn’t fall back to sleep.  
    He didn’t care how tired he was in the future. He didn’t care if he had to chug energy drinks and foul tasting coffee until his heart was hammering in his chest, he wouldn’t sleep. He wouldn’t have his nightmares, even if it meant only sleeping three hours a night. He wouldn’t give Heero a reason to worry about him, or bother him with his nightmares. This resolve hadn’t worked out for him that well in the past few days, but he had to try it again; he had to make everyone aware that he wasn’t having nightmares, even if it meant that he had to force himself not to sleep. It was another lie, another evasion, but one that he couldn’t help, one that he needed, or else he would have to admit to himself that what he was trying to do was too painful, and too pointless.   
    The cell phone on his bedside table vibrated and Duo fought the urge to throw it into the bathroom for the night out of frustration. He knew who was calling him without having to look at the display; it was the same reason why he had put his phone on vibrate, so he wouldn’t wake anyone, since he had no intention of answering the phone. The last time he had used his cell phone was when he had thought to call Amaaya, but had been unable to face her, even long distance, and had hung up before she could answer. However, he knew that his name had appeared on her cell phone, and now she knew that he had called him and had wanted to talk to her, and, like so many of his friends, Amaaya was stubborn. She kept calling him. This was the fourth time since last night. He wanted to talk to her, just like he had back then, but… he still felt too ashamed, too… inferior, compared to her, to actually muster up the guts to talk to her about his fears and worries. Or maybe he was just a coward and was distancing himself from his old friends, just like he was with Heero, because he didn’t want to get hurt anymore, because he didn’t want to hurt them anymore.   
    If Solo were here to see him now, he would have smacked him over the head and Shi would have thrown him over his shoulder, like he had loved to do when Duo was a kid, which had made the blonde’s impressive height seem all the more formidable, and refuse to let him down unless he did whatever he wanted him to do, usually confess to something or apologize for scaring them. But neither of them was here. He wished that they were. It had been so long since he had talked to them, they probably thought he had died. But here he was living in this wonderful house with these wonderful people, and while he would never accuse his old friends of something as selfish as hating him for it, he couldn’t shake that fear that they would. But Solo had been his best friend for so long and he had gotten used to telling him all of his dark secrets, but now he wasn’t around anymore and Duo missed him painfully. He didn’t know how to go on without his support, his love, his friendship. He could do it now because he had his new friends, and because he was lying to himself that, one day, when he was ready, he would see Solo again, but what if that day never came? What if he was too much of a coward to ever try to reach out for that old safety net?   
    There was a part of him that thought that might be a good thing, completely barricading himself from his past, but mostly, he hated himself for it. He just wanted to see Solo again… but then again, he wanted so many things that, he had been denying himself dreams for so very long, he didn’t dare to reach for.  
*****  
    The one moment of bliss, having Duo in his arms as the two of them slept in the same bed, disappeared all too quickly. Heero held on to it like someone with a precious treasure all through the weekend, but once Monday had come once again, that bliss quickly disappeared. It started Monday morning with the return of his nightmares, the constant replay of Duo’s rape and his near death, and had completely vanished once the four friends had piled into Heero’s car to drive to school.   
    Duo was silent again, shying away from him and not making eye contact. It seemed more… conscious to Duo now, like their moment together that morning had made things worse instead of better. It frustrated Heero, made him feel that sort of anger again, the kind of anger that had made him do stupid things in the past, like beat up classmates and steal alcohol from his mother when she was out of town. It was the sort of anger that he couldn’t quite explain, but he felt it, like a deep earthquake, in his heart. He was hurting. He had been hurting since Boston, but now… now it was deep rooted. He had reached out for Duo, finally, by being willing to stay in bed with him, to comfort him, and to be comforted, and Duo, yet again, had pushed him away. And yet, he didn’t blame Duo for it. He even understood why Duo had done it, but this only left him with no one to blame but himself.  
    He was to blame, he knew that, but he didn’t want to accept it. That just made the anger worse. He wanted to hit something, wanted to hurt something like the way he was hurting. He wanted someone, who had done something wrong, like himself, like Chris, to suffer. He could feel the old waves of fury and self-righteousness returning to him like an old, lost friend. He wanted to fight with someone. It would be so easy… like falling back to an addictive habit. The high of accomplishment and victory wouldn’t last, he knew as well as any addict did, but for the moments that it did, for once, he would be happy. The only thing that would make those feelings go away, the one thing that would give him the permanent high of happiness that he desperately craved, was to hear Duo’s heartbeat against his again, to see him smile at him at again. But that wasn’t going to happen again. It shouldn’t have, really, in the first place, because Duo hadn’t wanted it to. In that moment, yes, Duo had accepted him, but later, Duo had come to his senses again.   
    Heero had fought against this decision to fight someone again and again, ever since returning to Maine. He had decided that fighting would not be the solution to his pent up rage, but now… now, the feeling of contentment was fresh in his mind. He kept remembering how Duo had felt… and how furious knowing that Duo had been… attacked, and his attacker had gotten away with it, made him feel. He needed release… he needed… he needed to feel something besides anger, just for a little while… but he couldn’t do it in front of Duo. He would never put the other boy through that, seeing a friend being… violent. Duo had lived through so much violence and he never wanted the longhaired boy to see him that way.   
    The problem with this plan was that Heero had never been a shark. He had never been the type of person who would seek out the weakest and attack them. He was more like one of those spiders he had heard Duo talking about. They burrowed holes in the ground and put little trap doors over them. They waited and waited until something walked over their traps, then pounced. Heero didn’t go looking; he simply waited for someone else to make the first move.   
Because of the fact that he and Duo only had one class apart, it was pure luck when a kid, his height and probably his age, bumped into him. Though his anger flared at the contact, he didn’t do anything. He was starved for some way to feel good about himself again, but he wasn’t going to turn into a bully, someone who’d go after anyone who got in their way. He had standards, messed up standards, but he still had them. The bump didn’t even take him off of his feet and he kept walking forward.   
    “Watch where you’re going, faggot,” he suddenly heard the other boy hiss under his breath. Heero instantly knew that the boy hadn’t meant for him to hear it, but in the nearly empty hallway, Heero heard him clearly. He quickly forgot about why he was so anxious to find someone to fight with, he simply snapped.   
    Heero had just been a kid when he had heard the first use of ‘fag’ and had no idea what it had meant. He had gone to Trowa who, in Heero’s mind, had a wellspring of knowledge about dirty words, things that he couldn’t go to his mother or Quatre about, and sure enough, Trowa had told him that ‘fag’ was just slang for ‘cigarette’, but faggot really meant something that burns, so when someone calls someone else a fag, it meant that they were gay and should be burned at the stake. Heero was too old now to be so shocked by a ‘bad word’, but hearing that particular one still pissed him off. He had learned it before he, or his friends, had ever considered their sexuality, yet, even as a child, he had considered it ugly and nasty.   
Before Heero even really registered what he was doing, he grabbed the kid by the arm, pulling him back so he could pin him to the lockers. He realized that he had miscalculated, the kid wasn’t his own height, he was a couple of inches shorter than him and clearly had had no intention of fighting anyone. He stared up at Heero with terrified hazel eyes.   
    “Y-Yuy?!” he squeaked in shock. It was interesting, Heero thought, that he could actually see what the boy was thinking, that he was remembering the time that he had sent that boy to the hospital for threatening Duo. The kid probably thought that he was going to do the same to him, and maybe he would. After all, weren’t thoughts of violence and prejudice just as bad as actions? More than that, he wanted to hurt the kid for calling him a fag. Because Heero remembered all those people that had called Quatre and Trowa the same thing, and the other things, those same people had done and said about them, because he knew that being called a fag meant so much more than you were just a homosexual.   
    “I heard what you called me,” Heero growled, his hand already curled up into a fist.   
    “No!” the boy protested, his eyes focused on Heero’s fist, “You’ve got it all wrong, I didn’t say anything!”   
    “Say you’re sorry,” Heero demanded.   
    “I’m sorry!” the boy instantly spat out, as though it pained him to do so, but did it anyway. Heero smirked. This is what he had wanted out of Chris. He had wanted the man to see his impending pain and understand how terrible it was to be scared, how wrong he was… he wanted him to be terrified, like this boy was. And he wanted to wipe that terrified look off his face, just with his own fists. He wanted justice, even if it was a lie…   
*****   
    Heero’s bloody fists hit the plush surface over and over again, making a satisfying ‘fwack’ sound that reverberated through the empty weight room, sending the punching bag flying this way and that with the force of his blows. The blood, his blood, was streaked on the cloth surface of the bag, giving the illusion that he was actually hitting something living, but it lacked the warmth and sensation of a living thing, taking away any true satisfaction about hitting it. The skin on his knuckles was split open and bleeding with each forceful hit he gave the punching bag, but he didn’t stop. It felt kind of good, the pain, like he was punishing himself and tiring himself out at the same time, so he didn’t even have to think about the anger that wasn’t relinquishing him, even as he beat up the bag. He thought that that was the reason why he hadn’t wrapped his hands like he was supposed to, but it didn’t really matter. He had been going at it for an hour and didn’t even care that he had missed his last class and it was almost time to go home.   
    He could hit the bag forever, he realized, until his hands were nothing more than bruised, bloody lumps of abused flesh and he probably wouldn’t even care about the pain, because what he felt in his heart was so much worse. He was a coward, and he hated himself for it. He was too afraid to tell Duo how he felt, too afraid to try to get close to him, he was even too afraid to try to find Chris. He was just… scared, and he shouldn’t be. Even if Duo hated him, he needed him, too. That night that they had spent in bed together, trying to keep nightmares away, had showed him that. Duo needed his friendship just as much as he always had, but Heero didn’t know how to handle him pushing him away all the time. Should he listen to Duo’s wishes or his needs? Perhaps this was better… it was easier pretending that his love for Duo didn’t exist with this distance between them, but he still loved him, so it hurt, all the time. He just wanted that closeness back… he wanted to play games with Duo again.   
    In the empty, large room, even over his own thundering heart and panting, Heero heard someone come in, but he kept attacking the bag.   
    “Heero.”   
    His bloody hands fell to his sides and he suddenly felt the fight leave him, in a way that made him feel hollow, not happy for its absence, and he faced Wufei, who was looking at him in concern and confusion that Heero couldn’t place.  
    “People are talking about you,” Wufei informed him, “About what you did to that kid.”   
    Heero snorted.   
    “I’m sure they are,” he muttered.   
    “Why?” Wufei asked, “You actually wanted to hurt him? What for?”   
    Heero glared at him.   
    “Maybe he deserved it. Maybe… someone needs to pay for what happened, and maybe I’m sick of it being Duo!” he snapped. Wufei approached him carefully, like he was stalking a wounded tiger.   
    “If you really feel that way,” Wufei said sadly, “If you’re really willing to do something so stupid as to get expelled just for a moment of self-righteous satisfaction, why didn’t you hit him?”   
    Heero felt his blood, eerily warm, drip down his hands, the muscles in his arms aching as he stared at his friend. He chuckled, but it was only noise, the sound lacking any human feeling, though Wufei thought it sounded tinged with bitterness.   
    “You know, when we first met, I instantly hated you,” Heero told him. Wufei smirked back at him.   
    “I hated you, too, as a rival I knew I could never beat,” he said.   
    “The way you threw yourself at Duo, I knew he would never choose you,” Heero said softly, “but I was still scared that you were going to take him away from me. You’re attractive, smart, confident, and closer to his level than I could ever hope to be. So I hated you for it… and now we’re friends…” Heero hesitated, “When that boy called me a fag, I had thought nothing would stop me from kicking his ass. I could have smashed his face in… but when I looked at him, and how scared he was of me, I felt sick inside. I kept hearing Duo’s voice telling me how much he hated people who resorted to violence just to get their way. And I kept remembering how much I wanted his approval. I think… I think my days of fighting are over. As long as I remember Duo, and remember all the things he makes me feel, I can’t be that angry person ever again. I’m still angry, but…” Heero looked down at his bloody hands, “This is all I can do. I can’t hurt someone without remembering all of those things Duo had told me, all those terrible ways Wes had hurt him and how that had made him feel… So, all I can do is hurt myself in his place. Chris and I were responsible, so I’ll have to punish myself instead.”   
    Wufei stared at him with wide, dark eyes.   
    “You really do love him,” he breathed in awe. Heero’s blue eyes had this incredible depth to them whenever he mentioned Duo; it took his breath away to watch him. Did he look like that when he was with Fai?   
    “But, if you love him, then why are you acting like he has the plague?” Wufei demanded, “You talk about him like he’s something precious, like you want to protect him. So why are you punishing him by acting like he’s a complete stranger? If it were me, after what had just happened to him, I wouldn’t be able to let him out of my sight!” Wufei shuddered, imagining Fai in Duo’s place. He quickly dispelled the image, not liking how sick it made him feel.   
    Heero glared at him.   
    “You’re not me,” he snarled, “And don’t you ever forget that! I’m not punishing Duo, I could _never_ punish him! He was the victim here! I have to distance myself from him, it’s necessary.”   
    “Necessary to _whom_?!” Wufei snapped back, “You’re miserable, he’s miserable, we’re all miserable watching you two be miserable! Just who the hell is benefiting from all of this, because I sure as hell don’t know them! Why should anyone be punished besides that man?! Do you think that taking his place is going to make Duo better, are you _that_ delusional?!”   
    “It’s because of me that Duo was able to get kidnapped by Chris in the first place!” Heero yelled, though he felt another spark of doubt because he knew Wufei was right, through all of his attempts to make things better for Duo, they were both unhappy, “I underestimated the danger and I allowed us to be separated from you guys. I let down my guard; I couldn’t even _try_ to protect him! I was supposed to be the strong one, the one he could always look up to, but I failed him. I lost his trust and his respect; I deserve to be punished just as much as Chris does. Duo hates me for not being able to keep my promises. Even if doing this doesn’t make him better, it’s what needs to happen!”   
    Wufei shook his head, overwhelmed by the hole Heero and Duo had dug for themselves.   
    “God, you’re both idiots,” he muttered, “The two of you deserve each other.”   
    The final bell of the day rang out, echoing in the large gym, cutting off whatever comeback Heero could have come up with. Wufei sighed heavily.   
    “Come on, you need to have your hands looked at,” he said, almost in a truce. Heero narrowed his eyes at him, but shrugged, grabbing his things as they left the gym. Did they really deserve each other? No, Wufei was wrong on that one. Duo deserved a lot better than him… right?   
*****   
    Duo awoke suddenly, a gasp stuck in his throat, images of blood and gore and death still dancing in his eyes even as they stared up at his ceiling. The things he smelled clashed and swirled in a confusing jumble that made absolutely no sense to his mind. Semen, sweat, blood, dust, Chinese food, all the old smells of Wes’s apartment combined with the smells of his new home, the clean wood, the musky scents of his cats, the light, airiness of the flowers Name had put on his bedside table. They had had London broil for dinner, but he could taste the all too familiar thickness of semen, no matter how many times he swallowed.   
    ‘Another nightmare,’ he told himself, ‘just another nightmare,’ but he rolled out of bed anyway and made his way down to the kitchen as quietly as he could. Fuck, but he was pathetic.  
He knew that the smells and tastes weren’t there, he _knew_ that. Hadn’t Trowa told him that this was normal, for his brain to replay trauma over and over like a vivid, broken record? So, he logically knew these sensations weren’t real, yet that logical knowledge seemed like a lie when he felt like Wes had just fucked him, minutes ago, even if it had just been a dream. He wished that he could just believe that it was just a dream. And yet… he just wanted to get that taste out of his mouth.   
    Shiva followed on his heels as Duo snuck into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. Juice would work even better to get the bitter, salty taste off his tongue, but it was too late at night to put that into his stomach. He grabbed a water glass from the cabinet and, once his fingers cooled around the cool glass, he opened his eyes and found himself in his room.   
    Duo blinked in the dim light, looking at his door, which was open just a crack, completely confused and incapable of getting his bearings. One second, he had been in the kitchen… something was wrong. He shook his head frantically as though that would clear it. What was happening? A deep sense of déjà vu settled over him. This was just like when he had fallen asleep in class. He felt that same kind of off, confused clarity, like his mind knew something was impossible, but couldn’t figure out what it was.   
    It felt like barely a second had passed since he had gone downstairs, but that was impossible, so he had to have only dreamed that he had gone downstairs for a drink. And yet… that seemed so unlikely, not just because of the realism, but because it was weird that he would dream that he had woken up from a nightmare, and usually his nightmares, even the odd vivid one that had been like this, were much more pronounced and theatrical, and this one was so… boring. Why would he just dream about walking downstairs, that didn’t make any sense to him! He was sure that his twisted mind could easily come up with something to terrorize him with, so why a drink of water?   
    It took him a mere second to realize that there was something else wrong. He wasn’t laying on his bed, which was where he would expect himself to be after a dream, even a weird one like this. He was sitting on the hard floor, his back to the bed. He winced at the sudden ache he felt in his back and realized that he had been sitting there for awhile. Had he fallen off the bed again? But if he had, he was sure he would have woken himself up, no matter how tired he was. Besides, only his back hurt, so why was he on the floor. Despite his confusion and the slight fear he couldn’t quite shake, Duo smiled slightly when he felt something soft hit his cheek and curl slightly around his neck. He looked up to see Sammy staring at him from the bed with his tail brushing against Duo’s skin again. He stroked the spotted tail that had a black tip as dark as Shiva’s own fur. Sammy mewed at him, putting a black footed paw on his head.   
    “Yeah, I’m coming back up, hold on a sec’,” he murmured. As he tried to stand up, his hand slipped under his bed and hit something solid and wet that rolled slightly at the impact. Puzzled, Duo lifted up his covers and looked under his bed. There, lying on its side was a water glass, a few droplets of water still clinging to the glass. So, he _had_ gone downstairs for a drink, but he didn’t remember pouring the water, coming back upstairs, or drinking it. But the proof was right there, where else could the glass have come from? He knew for a fact that, when Name cleaned every Saturday, she vacuumed under the beds, so she would have found it if it had been a long time ago. Actually, it would have only taken him a couple of minutes to come back upstairs and drink it, though that didn’t quite explain why he was sitting on the floor and not his bed; but it was plausible that it was just his short term memory failing him again. It wouldn’t be the first time he lost a few minutes. Realistically, that was more comforting than vivid dreaming because he was used to it. It still disturbed him a little that he was constantly missing minutes out of his life, but the longest he had ever… zoned out for was seven minutes, which wasn’t very long at all.   
    Duo put the glass on the bedside table and sat on the edge of the bed. Sammy pounced onto his lap and curled up like he had always done as a kitten, his long tail hitting Duo’s leg as it curled and uncurled in a repetitive motion. Duo dared a look at his clock, just to confirm his theory and froze in shock. In the time he had left his room to get the glass of water and up to now, two whole hours had passed him by. His fingers dug into his covers and he fought the urge to take the little digital clock into his hands and shake it, to see if it was broken. Two hours… how was that even remotely possible? He couldn’t label that as his short term memory loss. He hadn’t even come close to losing a half an hour! But two hours? This wasn’t the vivid dreaming, either, what had happened, had actually happened, he just couldn’t recall what had occurred in between. This was something else. It had to be.  
    Thinking about all the things he could have done in two hours, it seemed like a lifetime. He could have done something mundane like setting all the clocks in the house back an hour, or even just sat here on the floor doing nothing, or, for all he knew, he could have done something really terrible. For all he knew… he could have killed everyone in their sleep. That wasn’t very likely, even sleepwalking or in a trance, or whatever state he had been in, he didn’t think that he was capable of murder, and even if he was, he wasn’t exactly strong like Heero and Trowa were, he doubted he would survive that without a scratch.  
    Duo shook his head. He didn’t want to think about the possibility of… of what he was thinking about. It would never happen, not even if he was sleepwalking. But, the thought that he was missing two whole hours was terrifying. He knew the clock wasn’t lying. The water glass was warm, as though it had been in his hand for awhile. What was going on? Had he moved from vivid dreaming to full out sleepwalking? He remembered what Wufei had told him, about the possibility of him having post traumatic stress disorder, and sleepwalking would probably fit with that, but what if he was simply losing time? That seemed more likely since he had been awake from moment to moment, he had no conscious realization of falling asleep in the moments he was missing.   
    Duo ran a finger down the water glass and, sighing, he fell back into bed, lifting Sammy off his legs and back onto his pillow. Sleepwalking was ok, because didn’t people who sleepwalked just do banal things? But, missing two hours was a huge problem. What if it happened in school or during work? What if he zoned out when he was stocking glass and ended up hurting himself or a customer? He needed to tell Name, he realized. But what could he possibly tell her, that he had zoned out during the night? He didn’t even know if it would happen again, though she would probably want to get him a brain scan or something, and it would worry her and his friends half to death.   
    “Nothing happened,” Duo murmured out loud. Sammy’s ears perked up and the cat peered at him in the darkness, listening to him. It wasn’t like school, Duo realized. Falling asleep in class was a huge problem, but absolutely nothing had happened now, so he shouldn’t worry about it until something bad happened, right? He closed his eyes. He would worry about it in the morning, and if it happened again, he would tell Name, but for now, he had given her enough to worry about.   
*****  
    Quatre remembered promising himself that he would get Heero alone, as soon as he could, and talk to him about what was going on between him and Duo, but it was a lot harder than he had thought it would be. He couldn’t do it at school, which just left home, but getting Heero alone was impossible between the time Quatre was spending with Trowa and Duo and the fact that Heero had started to lock his door, probably because he didn’t want to talk to anyone. But, if Quatre had one trait, it was, when it came to his friends anyway, he could be as stubborn as an attack dog that had gotten its jaws around something. His decision to have a little talk with Heero had only strengthened after Duo had told all of them the extent of his sleeping problems.   
    Wufei had confided in him that he believed Duo was suffering from prolonged post traumatic stress disorder from his childhood and what had happened in Boston had made him worse. Quatre was sure that this was true, the way Duo flinched from people, wore baggy clothes to hide his body, the detailed nightmares he normally had, and all the panic attacks he had when he was in certain situations attested to the diagnosis, and he was sure his recent problems were a part of that, but Quatre wasn’t convinced that it was the sole reason why Duo was having such a hard time with his nightmares. His excessive sleeping and tiredness could be a sign of major depression, or Duo could just be getting sick, but the nightmares were something else.   
Duo and Heero could ignore the fact that they were being overly shy with each other and being plagued by guilt, but their psyches couldn’t. Quatre was sure that, once the two of them resolved their issues, Duo’s nightmares would stop assaulting him so much. He needed his best friend back and Quatre was willing to go to any depths in order to give him back.   
    He finally got his chance on Saturday, quite by chance. He really didn’t want anyone around when he talked to Heero. He figured that, the less people involved, the more likely Heero would be honest with him. Quatre knew that Heero wouldn’t say a damn thing to him if Duo or Name was around and he had been friends with Heero longer than Trowa had, so he felt that he had the best chance to get through to the stubborn boy. He had always had a huge respect towards Heero. He had been raised to respect people in a higher class than himself and Heero was the one of the few people that fit that category, so his respect, initially, had come simply because of Heero’s family, but once he had befriended him, he had realized how bright and kind Heero could be. But now… after Heero had left Duo alone when he had had that nightmare in class… it was hard to respect him. He still did respect Heero and he understood his reasons, but he refused to let this go on without having a few choice words with Heero himself.  
    Both Name and Duo had gone to work this morning and both would be gone until around seven, leaving Trowa, Quatre, and Heero in the house. Quatre had thought about taking a chance in talking to Heero with Trowa on his heels, but then they heard a high pitched screeching coming from Duo’s room. He and Trowa had been sitting on their bed, talking about a movie that they wanted to take Duo to see next weekend and Trowa shot out of the room at the noise in what seemed like less than a second. Quatre followed him out, down to Duo’s room, and saw Trowa approaching Shei, who was in an awkward heap on the floor, crying, Shiva nudging at her in concern. Trowa picked her up gently, sighing in worry.  
    “Duo told me this might happen. She’s been getting bolder lately. She must have fallen off the bed,” Trowa murmured, checking over Shei’s bad leg, which was getting a little bit better as she was getting older and exercising it more.   
    “Is she ok?” Quatre asked frantically, “I don’t see any blood, but she’s… screeching…”  
    “She’s just scared,” Trowa assured his lover, “It doesn’t look like she hurt her leg too badly, but I need to get her to the vet. Even if she’s fine, I don’t want to leave it up to chance and Duo would throw a fit if I didn’t.”  
    “Take Heero’s car,” Quatre told him, “I’ll hold down the fort here.”  
    Trowa smirked at him, cradling the kitten to his chest, whose cries were starting to lessen.   
    “I’m sure you will, miele,” he chuckled, “Just don’t scream at Heero too much, ok?”  
    Quatre had the grace to blush. He hadn’t told Trowa about his plans to get Heero alone, but he supposed he was being a little bit obvious. He watched his lover go down the steps, then returned to their own room, keeping the door open. He waited, fighting the impulse to tap his foot in impatience. He only had to wait fifteen minutes before he heard Heero open his bedroom door and walk downstairs. He hadn’t checked to see if Heero’s door had been locked; though, realistically, he could have just broken the lock or broken down the door in order to speak to him, but the training his father had put him through as a child came back to him. In hostile negotiations, his father had always preached about being on ‘neutral’ ground. Talking in Heero’s room wouldn’t be neutral for Quatre and barging in on Heero wouldn’t be neutral for Heero, so he had waited for Heero to make the first move. Now, the next one was his.  
    Quatre went down to the kitchen where Heero was making himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. He watched the Japanese boy as he spread the peanut butter on the bread with a large knife and slowly approached.  
    “Heero, we need to talk,” he said. Heero didn’t say anything back to him, but Quatre noticed how straight and stiff his back suddenly became.   
    “It’s about you and Duo,” he ventured cautiously.   
    “There is nothing concerning ‘him and me’,” Heero snapped, “You and Wufei should understand that. Even if there was something going on between us, it would be none of your damn business.”  
    “I’m your friend, so is Duo, and so is Wufei! Don’t you think we would be worried to see that you and Duo are acting so differently towards each other? Duo needs you, even if he can’t admit that, or even understand it himself, but he does need you, and with the two of you driving each other away… can’t you both see how unhealthy that is? If you’d just tell us what’s going on, we can help the both of you-,” Quatre pleaded. He nearly jumped up in shock when Heero suddenly stabbed the knife into the chopping block with such force that three inches of the blade stuck into the wood and, when Heero let go of the handle, the knife staid upright.  
    “There is nothing wrong!” he growled as he turned to glare at Quatre, “Duo will get over what happened without me, he’ll be better off that way!”  
    Quatre stared at him, feeling anger boil up inside of him.  
    “You… you ass! What makes you think that Duo will get better?! Are you so selfish that you can’t even see that he’s suffering by not having you as his friend anymore?! We’ve been friends since we were kids and I can read you like a book! I miss the Heero I’ve known since then, but Duo misses you even more! Why do you think that he’s better off without you, when he’s show time and time again up until now that you’re the one he needs to help him with his problems? Do you care about him or not, because right now, it looks like you don’t even give a shit that your best friend is miserable!”  
    Heero’s hands gripped the counter hard enough that, if it were wood, Quatre was sure that the wood would have splintered.  
    “You don’t get it,” he murmured.  
    “Then explain it to me!” Quatre insisted. Heero rubbed at his eyes. He couldn’t blame either Wufei or Quatre for being this insistent, if it had been happening with any of his other friends, he would have wanted to know, too, but didn’t they get that this… thing couldn’t be fixed?  
    “What happened in Boston,” he murmured, “it was all my fault.”  
    “No, it wasn’t,” Quatre said with a shake of his head, “It couldn’t possibly be your fault, Heero, you hadn’t wanted for this to happen! If you had been able to, you would have protected Duo!”  
    “Yes, it is!” Heero snapped, “I promised him, over and over and over, that I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to him ever again, I would keep the monsters away, forever! I failed him… I let that man hurt him by not being able to keep my promises and protect him! When I had realized that you had left us… I should have gone back to find you and Trowa and Wufei. Duo had told me that Wes was capable of murder, but I was so arrogant, I had thought I could protect Duo all on my own! Because of me… because I wasn’t strong enough, he got hurt… and now he hates me. I don’t deserve to be his friend! It’s better for him if he isn’t near me, if he is… I’ll just let him down again…”  
    Quatre made an irritated noise deep in his throat.  
    “That’s bullshit, Heero!” he yelled. Heero looked away from him and Quatre strode up to him, grabbing his friends chin and forcing him to look him in the eye.  
    “We all made that promise. Trowa and Name and I… we had all promised Duo that we would make sure he was safe. We all failed him, not just you. We all knew the dangers, but we split up. If we had all remembered… if we hadn’t been so cocky, I wouldn’t have left you two alone, Trowa would have forced us to stay by him instead of going off on our own. It was our faults’, but we aren’t blaming each other, because all of the blame should be on Chris’ shoulders, not ours. Duo doesn’t blame any of us! I know it may seem like he does, but is Duo really the sort of person to blame you for something you couldn’t have stopped? Does that sound like Duo to you?! In the end, no matter what we did, even if we locked Duo in a safe room for the rest of his life, he will always be in danger, because he’s a human being. We couldn’t save him because he can’t be sheltered from the world. He doesn’t want to be sheltered. He just… wants to be normal, and everything that happened… it was normal. Not the kidnapping, but going to Boston, wanting to be with his friends… really, going off just the two of you, if it had been anyone else, we wouldn’t have thought it was a risk. But because it was Duo, because we had had previous knowledge of the threat, we thought we were to blame. We thought we could protect him… but things are different now, we get it. Our eyes are finally open to just how much of a monster Wes is, and the people he associates with, and we’re not going to let our guard’s down again. Right now… right now, we shouldn’t be blaming each other or ourselves, we should be focusing on what Duo needs in order to feel safe and healthy again. He certainly doesn’t need you blaming yourself, Heero! What he really needs is friendship. You say that he blames you, but maybe he’s just too scared to ask you for your friendship. You almost died, too, Heero! Did you ever think that maybe he blames himself for that?”     Quatre took a deep breath, feeling the anger deflate, leaving him feeling a little depressed over this whole thing, “Even if you feel ashamed about what happened, about not being able to protect him, he doesn’t feel safe anymore, not because he was attacked, but because you aren’t there to protect him anymore. Isn’t his safety more important than your pride?”  
    Heero was completely silent, unable to find a single thing to say back to Quatre. Was he really being selfish by acting on his feelings of shame? And… was it possible that… Duo felt responsible for all this and that was why he was pushing him away? Just the thought gave him a headache. No, that couldn’t be possible, and yet… Duo had always blamed himself for everything, even being raped. But he couldn’t believe that! He couldn’t believe that they were both suffering for the same reason! He had to believe that what he was doing by staying away from Duo was the right thing! Quatre and Wufei had to be wrong… for both of their sakes, this had to be the right thing to do. He was to blame, wasn’t he?  
*****  
    Duo hated volleyball. He had broken his wrist so many times that, whenever he hit the damn ball, his entire hand, a portion of his arm, ached. He was fast, and a good jumper since he had strong, long legs, but he was woefully short, so most of the volleys went over his head. If he was by the net, he couldn’t spike the ball at all, but if he missed, the people in back of him could spike it. If he was in back, he could hit spikes that the people up front missed, but more often than not, it went over his head. So, it seemed like either way, he was terrible at it and often got glared at. After every serve, the positions rotated, too, so he felt completely useless no matter where he was.   
    They always played volleyball in early Spring, but this year wasn’t so bad to Duo because Quatre was on his team. It was nice not being the only short person. What was even better was that, in her infinite wisdom, Mrs. Schbeiker had put Heero, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, and Duo all on the same team, so Duo wasn’t glared at if he missed. Trowa would just smirk at him and say that, when it was time to do archery and track, Duo would probably kick all of their asses. It was something that Duo was a little proud of. When it came to sports like basketball, football, and anything else that you had to be tall and strong to do well, he was always terrible, but now that he had his glasses, his aim was perfect and he had always been the best in his class at archery, which he thought was more fun than football anyway, and he was also the fastest runner, which Trowa was aware of. It was one of those skills he had needed on the streets in order to survive. Being able to run from the cops or pissed off marks was much more useful than being able to shoot a ball into a hoop.   
    Quatre and Wufei were actually having a harder time at volleyball than him because they had never played it before, but with Trowa’s height and agility, and Heero’s powerful, often scary looking spikes, they were doing quite well. It only got bad when Quatre and Duo were up front against Zechs’ team, as the boy loved to hit it high, or spike it towards Wufei when he was in the middle, which irritated all of them. Duo wished that Heero and Trowa could just stay up front, it would easier on all of them since the two athletic boys caught most of the serves.   
    Duo was getting frustrated with himself. Every sport or activity that they did in class was turned into a competition as each team had to compete against each other until only one team was left. He thought it was stupid, they were only in high school and it wasn’t like they won anything… still, it miffed him that Zechs was taking blatant advantage of their shortcomings. It wasn’t that he was winning, it was that he was taking such glee in winning that annoyed him. Still… he was happy. Sometimes, in a particular rotation, he and Heero would wind up next to each other with the two of them in the front row. It was so strange, but he and Heero made a really good team. Heero caught the high volleys easily and Duo, who was more flexible, managed to get the low spikes. Knowing how in sync their playing was… it made him happy. He shouldn’t be, he realized, but really, this was the only time he could be next to Heero without feeling guilty, because he didn’t really have a choice, so he soaked up those happy feelings while he could.   
    Duo had thought that, sooner or later, he would have gotten used to their strained relationship, but it just wasn’t happening. He had to force the reasons why he wasn’t talking to Heero to come to him now, as though he didn’t even believe in himself anymore. It was the opposite, now, his mind readily coming up with excuses why begging for forgiveness and trying to force their friendship back to normal was a good idea. He had to stay away because he felt guilty and he was putting Heero in danger, but staying away from Heero didn’t absolve him of that guilt, and it surely didn’t make Heero safer. Wasn’t Heero safer with him now, because Duo knew how Wes operated and he could sense something was wrong? Shouldn’t he be asking for Heero to punish him, instead of avoiding him, to make Heero feel better? Because he knew that Heero was unhappy, though he wasn’t entirely sure why. But in the end… he was just a coward.  
Quatre and Duo were upfront again with Trowa in back of Quatre, Heero in back of Duo and Wufei in the middle, a veritable recipe for disaster if Zechs, who was on Duo’s side on the other side of the net, decided to spike just a little too high so Duo couldn’t hit it, or volley low enough that Wufei would miss it. Sure enough, Heero saw the familiar set up that Zechs did and knew he was planning to nail the ball over Duo’s head. If Duo missed it, which he probably would, Heero couldn’t hit it or he would end up hitting Duo in the head with the ball. So, he followed his instincts and did the only thing he could think of.  
    Duo choked out a gasp as he felt Heero grab him by the waist from behind him and literally threw him up in the air. If anyone else had done it, Duo would have freaked out by the action and would have fallen awkwardly, but it was Heero, and no matter what was going on between them, he trusted him with… well… anything. Instead of flailing in the air, Duo did exactly what Heero had trusted him to do, he spiked the ball as hard as he could, feeling a burst of triumph as Zechs, like the rest of his team, was so shocked by the move, didn’t move to hit it back, and he landed gracefully on his feet in a near crouch. Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei stared at them in shock, but Duo was too busy feeling proud at their odd little play and he punched the air.  
    “Yes!” he crowed. He suddenly, for the first time in his life, felt kind of happy about his height. Sure, if he had been a few inches taller, Heero wouldn’t have had to throw him in the air, but because of his height and weight, Heero had been able to do it with almost no effort, he had touched him again, and, for a second, he had felt like he had flown. That, and the added bonus of shocking the hell out of Zechs and scoring a win for their team. He didn’t notice Heero watching him with a small, satisfied smile.   
    “Heero Yuy!” Hilde screeched at them, running over to see if Duo was ok, “We do not throw people into the air!”   
    Heero was too busy feeling happy at Duo’s honest, exuberant smile to care that he might be in trouble.  
    “But I’m ok,” Duo assured her. Hilde groaned.  
    “Shocker there,” she grumbled. It had seemed like Duo got injured every day before Yuy had come along, so it was nice to see him in one piece and she wanted to make sure he staid that way.  
    “That didn’t count!” Zechs suddenly snapped, glaring at Duo and Heero. Hilde covered her face with her hands in frustration.  
    “I’m quite sure that there is no rule in volleyball history stating that… that move is illegal. They did get it over the net in less than two hits, so… their team wins this game,” she said with a sigh. Hilde looked around as the rest of the class gathered around them, highly amused about what had just happened.   
    “Alright, we’ll finish this tournament up next class. Everyone, get cleaned up and ready for your next class,” she barked. Trowa clapped Duo on the shoulder.  
    “Good job,” he said. Duo grinned at him.   
    “Weren’t you scared?” Quatre asked as the five of them walked into the men’s locker room. Duo shook his head.  
    “No, not really. I was a little surprised, but Heero was the one who threw me, and I knew that he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me,” he said. Quatre and Trowa gave each other a look. Wufei peered back at Heero who, as was typical recently, was lagging behind them. The Japanese boy looked absolutely shocked at Duo’s words, a deep blush on his cheeks.  
    ‘He trusts me?’ he thought over and over, unable to wrap his mind around that single concept. That doubt, over his actions, and his guilt, hit him again and he couldn’t stop staring as Duo rushed into one of the changing rooms, his braid swinging over his backside. He couldn’t deny it… Duo trusted him not to hurt him, he wouldn’t have handled being tossed like that so well and calmly if he didn’t trust him… did that mean that Duo had trusted him back then and had never blamed him? But then why did Duo flinch from every time and look like he doubted him? Was he just reading him wrong? He had no idea what to think anymore.   
    Heero made sure that he was the first one out of the locker room and stood outside the door, waiting for Duo to come out. He suddenly felt the very strong urge to talk to him. He needed to know what the meaning was behind Duo’s trust in him, if he really did trust him with his life, or if he was just soothing Quatre’s fears. He needed to know if he could fix things, that he was wrong. For the first time since he had suspected Duo was being abused, he hoped that he was wrong.   
    Duo was the next one out of the locker room dressed back in his dark gray t-shirt and jeans, book bag slung over his shoulder. Heero thought that he looked beautiful and couldn’t wait until Summer came around, so he could see those long, pretty legs in a pair of shorts. Maybe he could even talk Duo into going swimming with him in their pool. He knew how body shy Duo was, but since their pool was in the back yard, no one would see him if he wanted and he couldn’t help but remember that night in Boston when the two of them had gone swimming together…  
    “Duo…” he murmured, instantly getting Duo’s attention, though he looked shocked that Heero was even speaking to him, his deep eyes wide in surprise. Heero opened his mouth to speak.  
    ‘Do you really blame yourself? Are you really unhappy without me? Do you… do you really trust me that much? Can’t we just go back to the way things had been before? I miss you…’  
    All the things Heero wanted to say to Duo, to know, to understand, but his voice caught in his throat. He was so scared to learn the answers, to learn that Duo really did hate him. He would rather hope when things were at their worst than know for sure…  
    “Duo Maxwell?”  
    Duo turned towards the gym door, searching for the origin of the voice. A woman wearing a blue, two piece suit, not nearly as expensive as the ones that Name wore, but still neat-looking, stood at the door, looking at Duo with an expectant expression. Duo examined her features, she looked very familiar to him, but he knew that he didn’t know her, so why was she looking at him as though she had known him for quite some time? None of it really mattered to him, for the first time in over a week, Heero was talking to him. Duo turned back to Heero, but the other boy had vanished. Duo felt something sad and bitter settle in his stomach, but instead of indulging it, he pushed it down, to deal with later, and looked back at the woman.  
    “C-can I help you?” he asked hesitantly. He was quite sure that he didn’t know her, if she had been a man, he would have doubted the surety since all of his clientele had been men, but there was something about her that was so familiar…  
    Suddenly, it clicked. He really didn’t know her, and it was precisely her that made him feel like she was familiar, it was her features. The woman reminded him of Alex and Aluxiel. She had Aluxiel’s red hair, the same exact shade, and Alex’s light blue eyes, and there was something about his face that reminded him of the twins. They were fraternal, but really, the only thing differences between them were their eye color and hair color and this woman reminded him of both of his friends. Looking at her made him feel lonely for them. Though she was dressed smartly, the woman didn’t look all that old at all, for all Duo knew, she could be there sister or mother, maybe even a cousin. He shook away the thought. He knew a little bit about the twin’s family history and couldn’t think of single reason for any of their relatives to be in Maine when he knew for a fact that they weren’t even from Maine.   
    Duo blinked when the woman took his hand in hers and shook it, a bright smile on her face.  
    “Finally!” she breathed in relief, “I thought I had the wrong schedule for you. I’ve been all over the school looking for you!”  
    “And… why would you be doing that?” Duo asked, already feeling a sharp sense of foreboding. Any adult looking for him couldn’t be a good thing. He still got nervous whenever Une or her husband approached him.   
    “Oh, how rude of me!” she exclaimed, still smiling sweetly in a way that made Duo want to drop his defense. He thought again of the possibility that this woman could be related to his two friends. They had that same trait, they could just smile at you and any anger you felt at anything would just vanish. It wasn’t an act, either. In fact, Alex reminded Duo a lot of Quatre, he had that same intelligence and strategic mind, but he also was very honest and sweet to be around.   
    “My name’s Adylan Smith, though you can call me Addie if you like. I’m with the School Board. I’ve been meaning to talk to you for awhile now,” she told him. Duo felt a chill go down his spine at that piece of information.   
    “Did they revoke my right to come back to school?” he asked in a panic. They couldn’t do that, right? He was already two months into the semester! Besides, Treize would never allow them to kick him out of school, right?   
    Adylan waved her hands in a defensive gesture.  
    “Oh, no!” she said in almost the same frantic tone as Duo, it’s nothing like that! Mr. Khushrenada knows why I’m here and he’s volunteered his office, so why don’t we go there? He told me it’s alright to pull you out of your next class and I promise it’s nothing bad.”  
    Duo shrugged. He hated missing class, but he was too relieved to protest and if he was being pulled out of class, it had to be something important. She had said it was nothing bad, but how could he trust a stranger? He had enough problems trying to trust people he knew. He had spent too long having no one to trust at all and this woman was definitely not on his small list of people he would trust, no matter what. But he followed her out of the gym anyway, his age-old instincts of having to do what he was told, especially when it was an adult giving him the orders, forcing him to do so.   
    He hated going to the principal’s office. Duo supposed that every normal kid could say the same thing, but his reasons were different. Even before his past had come to light, Treize had been nice to him, which was more than he had ever expected out of a man in a position of power. However, in the past, he had been called to that office a lot over absences and odd behavior, not to mention the times that Zechs bullied him and he had had to deny it in order to keep the silver-haired boy from telling Treize about their ‘deal’. Treize had done so many good things for him lately, he shouldn’t feel that going there was a bad thing anymore, but some habits held strong.   
    In any case, Mr. Khushrenada wasn’t in his office, having obviously left so that Duo and Mrs. Smith could talk privately. The principal’s absence didn’t make Duo feel any better. He couldn’t help but feel a bit… warm inside, remembering the last time he had been here and how… comforted Treize had made him feel. He flinched a little when Mrs. Smith closed the door.  
    “Now, Duo, I want you to know that ever since the board voted in favor of you coming back to school, we’ve been meaning to have a word with you. Mr. Khushrenada told us the… details of your absences, which has raised an issue amongst us,” she informed him. Duo looked at her in confusion. What could possibly be the problem? He wasn’t getting kicked out from school, so what did his being confined to the apartment, getting beaten and raped on a regular basis, and then having a psychotic break have anything to do with the School Board?   
    “There is a scholarship that this high school gives out to students who have shown… a special kind of character, something beyond what we normally see. What you went through with your father was bad enough, but how hard you’ve strived at this school to better yourself after all of that is truly remarkable. If it weren’t for your absences, you would have been an honor student since you first enrolled in High School. By your own admission, you haven’t had much of an education, but someone of your level of intelligence and personal strength would go far in an institution. The Board has been discussing it with Mr. Khushrenada and your teachers and we’ve decided to give you the scholarship,” she told him with a soft smile.   
    Duo stared at her in shock. A scholarship? That… hadn’t been what he had been expecting. He had always wanted to go to college, but had believed it to be a pipe dream. He and Name hadn’t even talked about it yet and now here was this lady that was offering him money to just that. Wasn’t this what he wanted so badly, he would do anything for it? But… no matter how much the scholarship was for, did he really deserve it? Did he even want it? Ok, he definitely wanted a chance to go to college. Even if Name wanted to pay for the whole thing, a scholarship would let him feel like he was contributing, but did he really want a handout just because he was one of the thousands of street kids that ended up raped and burned out before he even reached puberty? He was sure that some other kid could use that money more than he could. He still didn’t feel like he deserved stuff like that. What had he done that was so special? He had accepted food from a pervert and now, he just wanted a small slice of normalcy and going to school was a part of that. Did he really need to be congratulated for something that he wanted to do with all his heart, something that was contributing to his desperate clinging to sanity?   
    And then… there was that voice in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like Solo’s, and he knew that it was Solo’s, ordering him to take the damn money, in the name of every street kid out there who knew that the same society that handed out that money didn’t give a flying fuck about any of them. If they all burned alive, every last one of them, no one but another street rat would mourn them, or even care enough to notice, so he should just take the money because, didn’t at least one of them deserve some recognition? Duo suddenly realized that Solo and Shi would take the money in a heart beat, not because they needed it or they thought that they deserved it, more as a way to flip off the government that had abandoned them without a second thought and say, “See? I have worth, too!”  
    “What do I have to do to get it?” Duo asked, a sudden strength and ferocity in his violet eyes that almost made Addie shiver.  
    “You and your current guardian just have to fill out a few forms, and you have to write an essay about what you want to do with your future, but that’s it. The scholarship will pay for the first year of any school you decide to go to, but even that, you’re still eligible for more money, you just have to be reviewed,” the redhead told him. Duo wanted to laugh at her. It was a lot harder than she thought. Talk about what he wanted to do with his life? He hadn’t the slightest idea!   
    “Is that all you wanted to talk to me about?” Duo asked, already making up his mind that he was going to fill out the forms and do the essay.  
    “That’s all,” Addie responded, digging out the forms from her purse and handing them to the teacher. Duo shook her hand.  
    “Thank you for considering me,” he said politely. Addie smiled at him.  
    “It was a pleasure meeting you,” she smiled brightly at him, then left the office, leaving Duo staring at the forms with a slightly lost expression. He stuffed them into his book bag and left the office, waving to Mr. Khushrenada’s secretary, who had seen him come and go from this office enough times that she always said hi and cheerfully waved him back.   
  
End Part 14   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	35. Surgery Part 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trowa talks to Duo about his recent behavior. Duo remembers meeting Shi for the first time. Wufei receives news from his mother that his boyfriend from China is visiting.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 15  
  
    Duo told Quatre, Trowa, and Heero what had happened as they got into Heero’s car at the end of the day. Quatre and Trowa’s responses were completely predictable to him. Quatre told him that he should take the scholarship because he deserved it more than anyone else, while Trowa advised that he think over, long and hard, what he wanted to do with his life before making any sort of a decision. It was Heero’s reaction that hurt down to the bone. He didn’t say anything, didn’t even look at Duo as he drove out of the school’s parking lot.  
    In the gym, Heero had been trying to tell him something, Duo was sure of it. He had been hoping that that meant Heero would talk to him again, but now… nothing had changed. Heero was closing off again. It was just so damn… frustrating! What made it that way wasn’t just Heero’s coldness, but that Duo was torn between thinking that it was the best thing for Heero and thinking that it was going to kill himself inside, little by little. He already felt so desperately lonely, even though he was surrounded by friends, he felt isolated from everything, just because he couldn’t have Heero back. He shouldn’t feel that way, he knew that. He had so much to be grateful for, so why should he be so… selfish? He knew that he could survive without Heero, he just didn’t want to.  
    Name was away at a meeting when the four of them got home and Duo holed himself in his room. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be around Quatre and Trowa, he did, he just wasn’t sure if he should talk to them about the things that were bothering him, namely Heero. They had been his friends first and he was afraid that they would tell him his worst fears, that Heero really did blame him and staying away from him was the best course of action. Even if he believed that, he didn’t want to. He just didn’t want to say it out loud, to admit it to everyone how badly he had messed up. But he didn’t want to hold it inside anymore, either.   
    Duo sat on his bed, feeling more depressed than usual. Shiva, seeming to sense his depression, jumped into his lap, butting her head against his hand. He stroked her ear and she curled up in his lap in contentment.   
    “Everything was so perfect… but now it feels like its falling apart,” he told her. He easily fell back on old habits. In the past, whenever he had been feeling overwhelmed, he could never talk to anyone, especially anyone who had cared, so he had talked to his cats. At least they listened, and he never had to worry about them judging him.   
    “I finally have a home, and people who both love me and can take care of me. I should be happy, right?” he asked the cat. She looked up at him with curious yellow eyes, hanging on his words, or at least the familiar sound of his voice.  
    “But I’m not happy… I keep screwing up. Whenever something good happens to me… I do something to mess it up. I got Helen killed, I almost lost Heero’s friendship when he found out about me and Zechs, and now I really have lost it. I couldn’t keep him safe… he’s been trying so hard to help me, and I almost got him killed!” Duo squeezed his eyes shut, fighting against tears, “It’s no wonder why he’s avoiding me… he’s finally figured out what a terrible person I am!” Shiva reached up to lick at his cheek, sensing his emotional turmoil.  
    “I should be glad he’s avoiding me, right? The more distance there is between him and me, the more likely he’ll be safe… but is that enough, or will Wes keep on trying? If I thought that I’d be keeping any of them safe, I’d just leave… but is that just an excuse? I don’t think I could ever do that again… run away. I don’t want to. I just want things to go back to the way they were… I can’t even approach Heero when I want to talk to him, I’m too scared that he’s angry with me. I don’t want to feel lonely anymore…”   
    “Duo Maxwell!”  
    The abrupt, stern voice almost made Duo jump and Shiva hissed at the intrusion. Duo frowned as he saw Trowa, his arms crossed over his chest in annoyance, standing in his doorway. He absolutely hated that Trowa could sneak up on him like that. Solo and Shi could do it all the time and when he had been younger, when his street instincts had still been perfectly fresh, it had disturbed him. Now, it was just strange because no one else could do it. Though Heero and Wufei were adept at martial arts, they walked around like they owned the place and Quatre just walked normally, but Trowa slunk around gracefully, like a cat hunting a mouse. But even though Trowa looked like he was going to chew him out for something, Duo didn’t feel threatened by him, just embarrassed, though he wasn’t sure exactly what he had done wrong.  
    Trowa sighed and sat next to Duo, covering one of his thin hands with his own larger one.  
“You’re doing it again,” he said mournfully.  
    “Doing what?” Duo asked in confusion.  
    “Hiding,” Trowa clarified, “I thought that I told you that, no matter what, you could come to talk to us, to your friends, but this isn’t the first time you’ve hidden away, instead of coming to us. You’ve been having nightmares since you came back, but you only mentioned it when you fell asleep in class. There’s more than just that, too, isn’t there?”  
    Duo nodded sheepishly.  
    “Yet here you are, talking to your cat instead of talking to us,” Trowa said in irritation.  
      
 _“Promise me that you won’t run away again. Promise me, that if you’re in pain or lonely or just need to get something off your chest, you’ll talk to someone, anyone, instead of bolting without a word or note.”_  
      
    Duo blushed darkly at the memory. He had promised Trowa that he would never run away, physically or emotionally. Was that what he was doing, running away from his friends because he couldn’t deal with things anymore? Hadn’t he just thought that he didn’t want to be that way anymore, yet here he was, falling back on old habits. He was running to his animals, instead of relying on his friends, his very human, kind, and compassionate friends. Trowa’s expression softened at the look of realization on Duo’s face. He pulled him into a tight hug.  
    “You have humans who care about you, too, remember? We worry about you, and it would be nice if you told us all the things that are bothering you so we don’t have to worry so much,” he murmured. Duo nodded.  
    “I’m sorry,” he apologized, “I’m just embarrassed by myself and I’m… confused.”  
    Trowa let him go.  
    “Well, then tell me what’s wrong and we can work it out together,” he urged. Duo found himself smiling up at him.  
    “I’d… like that,” he murmured. Why had he been so hesitant, so ashamed, at the thought of telling Trowa about his problems with Heero? Trowa was so kind to him… he didn’t think Trowa would ever make him feel bad, and hadn’t he told him that he didn’t think Duo was to blame? Why couldn’t he just believe that and stop… hiding?   
    “You told me that there was nothing going on between you and Heero, but that wasn’t the truth was it?” Trowa pressed.  
    “I’m… not sure what’s going on,” Duo said truthfully. He knew that he had only been speculating what Heero was thinking and feeling.   
    “You know that all those things… they weren’t your fault, right?” Trowa asked, “What happened to Helen, Heero finding out about your past, and what had happened in Boston, all of those things were inevitable. You didn’t necessarily do anything to cause them. Helen died because she had decided to act, you were just trying to survive, but she made the decision to not back down from that gang. Maybe you did choose to be friends with Heero, but you didn’t choose to be a prostitute and, no matter how well you hid, it would have been impossible to keep a secret like that forever. As for Boston… Duo, I know it doesn’t seem like it because Name has managed to shelter you and Heero from a lot of it, but Heero, and by extension, anyone who is friends with him, is constantly in danger. He belongs to the most powerful, wealthy family in the world, don’t you think that there are people out there that hate Name, want some of that power, or just want to hurt this family for the thrill of it? You’re in just as much danger being friends with Heero as he is being friends with you. Name has gone through a great deal to make sure that we’re safe, that all the… crazy bastards out there can’t take advantage of us or hurt us. The only difference between those crazy people and your crazy people is that we don’t know where they are, so Name can’t put a tail on them or have them arrested.”  
    “Does Heero know about all that?” Duo asked in shock. He had thought that no one would dare attack the Yuy family, but what Trowa said made sense. Only people who were reasonable and feared for their own livelihoods would be sensible enough to know not to do such a thing, but someone with nothing to lose, or a lack of sanity, would love to take Name down. If Heero was aware of that… then maybe he could accept the danger Duo had put him through, either way, they were in danger all the time… it that were true, Heero wouldn’t hate him, even if he blamed him, right?  
    “Of course he knows,” Trowa scoffed, “When Heero’s father died, his mother was devastated. She became overprotective of Heero and it became necessary for him to know why. Heero doesn’t blame you for Boston, Duo. He understood the dangers when you told him about your past. It’s true that he’s angry about what had happened, but only because you got hurt. He’s not angry at you, none of us are.”  
    “Then why won’t he talk to me?” Duo whispered brokenly.  
    “Why won’t you talk to him?” Trowa pressed, “Why do you flinch when he touches you?”  
    Duo winced at the accusation, though he knew it was a valid one.  
    “I’m too ashamed,” he said under his breath, “I love him so much, but I couldn’t save him. I let that part of my life into this one. I can’t let him see how dirty I am…”  
    “You aren’t dirty!” Trowa snapped, making Toby, who was watching them closely, hiss.  
    “You think that, just because Heero saw you like that, if he gets close to you, he’ll think you’re unworthy of his friendship? That will never happen! Heero respects you. I know you don’t believe that, but he does. You’re not talking to him because you feel responsible and don’t want to see him get hurt because of you. Did it ever occur to you that he feels the same way?”  
    Duo hugged Shiva to his chest, who purred at the contact.  
    “But what if you’re wrong?” he asked in a small voice.  
    “What if you are?” Trowa countered, “What if you’re destroying your friendship for no reason other than the two of you are scared of things that aren’t real?”  
    Duo fell silent, digesting that thought and finding his self-doubt to be wonderful.  
    “And what are you going to do about that scholarship?” Trowa asked, “Are you going to let your lack of self-esteem and fear keep you from accepting that as well?”   
    “I don’t know what to do,” Duo admitted, “I don’t want to get things just because I’m pathetic, I don’t even know if I deserve to go to college or want to. What is someone like me going to do with an education?”  
    Trowa sighed angrily.  
    “Duo, you’re smart. You only started to get an education a few years ago, but you get good grades. You’re curious and didn’t let your abuse or lack of money keep you from trying to be normal. You could go far in college, it all depends on what you want to do for the rest of your life. I know you have never thought about it, but you should start asking yourself these questions. You were given this chance because they know you deserve a chance, not because they think it’s the only way to keep you off the streets. You deserve this, Duo, you really do,” Trowa insisted.  
    Duo glanced over at Trowa, seeing the honesty in his eyes.  
    “You really think I should go for it?” he asked, trusting his opinion. Trowa nodded.  
    “I’ll talk to Name about it,” the longhaired boy finally surrendered. Trowa smiled at him, glad that he was able to convince Duo of something, even if he couldn’t get him to talk to Heero. He would just have to wait Duo out, however long that took.   
*****  
    “Of course you’re going to take the scholarship!” Name scolded as she filled Duo’s plate up for the second time with mashed potatoes, broccoli, and roasted turkey, all home made. Today had been a good day, Name thought, at least for Duo’s appetite. He had eaten all of his breakfast and lunch, too. She hoped that that meant he was getting better, but she knew enough not to hold her breath. She was also still worried about his sleeping problems. He hadn’t said anything more to her about it, but she knew that that didn’t mean anything. Duo was too good at hiding.  
    “But I don’t even know if I want to go to college!” Duo pointed out, “And even if I did want to, why should I have a free ride when someone worse off than me might be refused?”  
    Name sighed, handing Duo his plate back and sat down.  
    “I may be biased, but I doubt that there’s anyone more deserving than you, Duo, and I know you want to go to college!” she said.   
    “But…” Duo started to protest, then stopped. Why was he fighting against this so hard? Hadn’t he already decided he was going to take the damn money? And Name was right, he had always wanted to go to college. Was he so terrified of trying for a normal, good future that he was willing to throw away every opportunity he was given?  
    “No buts,” Name said tersely, “You’ve earned this by being a good, hardworking student, despite all the things in your life trying to keep you back. No matter what school you go to, I’m going to pay your way, but you deserve this money, Duo, and I’m not going to let you throw it away.”  
    Duo looked down at his plate, wanting to protest her decision to pay for college because she had already done so much for him, but knew from experience that there was absolutely nothing he could do or say to change her mind. Besides, a deep part of himself argued, she was paying for Heero’s schooling and to Name Yuy, four years of college wasn’t much money. But mostly, he was too honored by her kindness, and wanted a proper education too badly to try to talk her out of it.  
    “Thank you,” he murmured. Name smiled fondly at him.  
    “You are very welcome,” she said, stroking his hair in affection, which made Duo blush. Quatre noticed how Heero’s attention was solely on Duo, but every time Duo looked in his direction, the Japanese boy would look down at his empty plate.  
    Duo helped Name with the dishes and ended up hugging her when the others had left the kitchen.  
    “Thank you for everything,” he murmured. It was something he would never forget, for as long as he lived, the kindness of a woman who should have hated him and forgotten him, just like everyone else. Instead, she had taken him in as a child quickly becoming his mother. Even if she hadn’t told him she was going to pay for school, he would have loved her deeply and honestly.  
    Name kissed the top of his head.  
    “You don’t have to thank me, Duo. You’re my responsibility and I take care of everything under my care, always. You deserve everything that Heero does, don’t you ever forget that,” she soothed. Duo felt tears prick at his eyes, but managed to hide them form her.  
    “You’ll think about what you want to do, won’t you? I’ve already signed the forms, but you need to write that essay,” she pointed out. Duo nodded.  
    “I know. I’ll think of something,” he promised. She ruffled his hair and let him run upstairs to finish his homework, an affectionate smile on her face.  
*****  
    //Duo hated the snow. An old wino, under the obvious influence of something, rambling in a way that a lot of old, homeless men would do to anyone who would listen, had told him one cold evening when Duo had been wandering for a full dumpster to rummage through, that snow was a lot like certain women, it was pretty to look at, but it you had no sense, it was liable to get you killed. He remembered those words quite vividly now as he walked over the ground, which was covered by an inch of snow.  
    It was two weeks after the church had burned down and Duo still hadn’t been able to get any shoes. The bits of rag tied onto his feet only kept away frostbite, but not the cold. With every step he took, he fought away a shiver, but with the sudden cold weather came two needs: heat and shelter and unless he found some place out of the strong winds, he’d probably get pneumonia or hypothermia or something like that. The only good things about the cold were that it took his mind off his hunger and the cold kept food fresher for longer. The slipperiness of the snow just made the whole thing even worse for him, though.  
    The street was empty at that hour of the night, which was good because it was less likely that he would run into anyone, but it was bad because, if he did run into someone, he was screwed. Not that anyone would help him if there were people around. This was also a good area because it was unclaimed, there were no pimps or territorial whores to deal with. So, when Duo heard some strange noises coming from an alley, he was curious and disobeyed one of the key rules he had learned long ago. Instead of walking away from the sounds, he walked towards them.  
    It was a shallow alley, but he smelled it before he actually saw anything, the lamp light from the main street casting long, creepy shadows all over the walls and sparkling snow. He smelled something familiar and nasty, a smell that he recognized, though he couldn’t put a name to it, but later on in life would identify as sex, violent sex at that, since there was a trace of blood in the stench. Under this smell was one he was even more familiar with, the scent of death. Duo’s nose crinkled in a mix of disgust and remorse. Someone had died, probably because of the cold. Maybe it wasn’t even a person, but a cat or a dog.   
    If it was a person, they might have money or food on them, or, much more importantly, shoes. As he stood at the mouth of the alley, he could feel the cold soaking into his feet. If it was an animal, he could have a quick meal. Duo walked into the alley, throwing caution to the wind under the excitement of maybe getting his feet warm again. He saw the red snow first. He immediately stopped walking forward, which would be the thing that saved his life later on, caution screaming in his head.  
    Propped up against a corner of wall and dumpster was a woman with long, black hair, her light green jacket and jeans smeared with blood, proving to Duo why the snow near the dumpster was red. A mere foot away from the body was a man. His back was to Duo, which was why he wasn’t dead at the moment, but even in the low light, Duo could tell that he had a full head of silver-white hair. From where he was standing, Duo could see that the man was rummaging through the woman’s purse, kneeling in the snow.  
    Duo couldn’t see where the knife that had killed the girl had gone, but he knew instantly that he was in danger. He took a step back and his cloth-covered feet crunched in the snow. The man’s head turned sharply and Duo gasped as cold blue eyes glared at him. It was the man who had killed Helen, though he couldn’t remember his name. He looked almost completely different now, his body much thinner, his eyes wilder with dark lines of exhaustion under them, he looked crazed, all of the coolness that he had displayed last time they had met long gone.  
    “You!” the man snarled in rage. Duo was off and running before the man was even on his feet. He could hear him coming after him, even through the snow. The only thing Duo had going for him was his speed and he knew it. He had gone too long without food and sleep to have any stamina, but he had a head start and his smaller weight made him quicker.  
    Duo ran for three blocks, all the while hearing the enraged man behind him, never tiring, though Duo certainly was. He wished he had the time to tuck his long hair into his shirt. He had the sudden, horrifying image of his pursuer grabbing his hair and yanking him back to his certain death. He wished he had time to hide, but the man was too close and all Duo could do was run and hope the man didn’t catch him, or Duo didn’t slip on the snow. He didn’t even have the time to wonder why the man was so pissed off. It wasn’t like there were any cops around to tell that he had murdered that woman and if there was, anyone with common sense knew no one would believe a half-starved street rat.  
    They were quickly running out of street. The street they were on was like a prong of a T. The street had a dead end and another street. If Duo kept along straight, he would just hit a fence and he didn’t trust the slippery snow that was falling, and his own speed, to get over it in time. He quickly saw the sharp right angle that was the next street. Snow was falling heavily and Duo was too scared to slow enough to make the turn safely.  
    He made the turn at full speed and slipped. The sharp turn made the slipping impossible to avoid, but Duo refused to panic. His small hands grabbed the post of the street sign and he swung to keep from hitting the wall on the left, slipping safely forward without falling or hitting anything and kept running. He heard the man try to match his speed behind him and, just like he had, slipped. Terrified that his trick wouldn’t work, Duo was sure that the man wouldn’t panic, either, and would copy his move, but he then heard a loud crash followed by loud, pained cursing and realized the man hadn’t caught the pole in time and had hit the wall, hard.   
    Duo didn’t waste time stopping to see if the man was unhurt enough to chase after him again, he just kept running. He could feel that he didn’t have much chase left in him and knew that he had to find a hiding place and quick. His speed lagged as he went through two more blocks. Suddenly, he came across another sharp turn and took it. Like before, he slipped on the snow, but this time there was nothing to grab onto and he fell.  
    Duo slammed his knee into the pavement as he fell and felt a sharp pain shoot up his leg, but he clenched his teeth to keep from screaming. He felt the rags on his feet come off, but he didn’t try to grab them, he immediately got back onto his feet, even as he felt blood running down his leg. He ignored the pain as he tried to run again, though it seemed more like an awkward, limping shuffle to him. The snow burned his feet with cold and the hot blood felt weirdly pleasant by comparison. His lungs burned, too, as he panted for air, the cold prickling each breath with ice.  
    Duo stumbled to a stop as he spied an alley, the first since he had run onto this street. In his pain and panic, he didn’t notice the person leaning against the alley wall until he nearly ran into them. He made a squeaking sound in a mix of shock and fear. The boy was a young teenager, but he looked older, just because of his height. His wild looking red eyes and long, gold hair made him look hard and edgy, making Duo’s stomach feel as icy as the rest of him. The feeling was quickly dispelled when the boy, dressed in oddly tight, thin clothes, old dog tags around his neck, raised an eyebrow at him, taking in his bare feet and bloody leg, and raised his hand in greeting.  
    “Hey,” the blonde said, his voice sounding concerned. Duo’s instincts told him that the boy, obviously another street kid, wasn’t to be trusted, but his fear of the blue-eyed man made him want to latch onto those long, strong legs and never let go. The red-eyed teen looked scary and intimidating, but only if you got on his bad side and Duo badly wanted to plead with him for help.  
    Duo suddenly heard a sound coming from the street and knew it was his pursuer. Not wanting to put his life in the hands of a stranger, Duo ran past the blonde into the other end of the closed alley. When he found the back wall, he realized that he had probably made a mistake. He had to find a good place to hide, or run somewhere the man wouldn’t be able to follow him through. The back wall was too high to get over and he didn’t have the time to stack the broken boxes that littered the alley. The dumpster was a possibility, but one he didn’t want to go for. There was no way out of the alley but the way he came and didn’t want to risk hiding in a place that was little more than a metal trap.   
    Then Duo spied the manhole. Usually, the covers were always shut and far too heavy for a kid like him to lift, but someone had left this cover open a bit. Duo ran to it, seeing it as his only chance of escape, and slipped down into the darkness. It was a tight fit, even for him, but he wasn’t sure whether or not the man would be able to lift the lid. If he could, Duo would have to go down into the sewers and try to hide out there, though even he knew that was dangerous. It was completely dark down there and probably maze like. Even if he lost the man chasing after him, he would probably get lost and stuck down there.  
    That thought made him shudder as he gripped onto the second rung of the ladder leading down into the sewers. Even up here, it stank like a thousand dumpsters and he couldn’t even see the bottom of the ladder it was so dark. He grabbed and hung onto the rung like his life depended on it, shivering, though not from the cold. Darkness and stink surrounded him and he couldn’t help but picture a gnarled, completely not-human hand reaching for him in that darkness… He shuddered again. No, there was no way he wanted to travel down in that blackness. He had lived on the streets long enough to know that the only real monsters out there were people, but the thought of running into something slimy with yellow eyes and sharp teeth made him, childishly, want to scramble back up to the surface. The dim lighting of the street lamps as Duo peeked through the slit of the manhole was his only grace. It wasn’t enough to keep his heart from pounding or get rid of the impulse to cry.   
    Duo had no idea what scared him more, the thought of getting caught by the man, or falling into the darkness. They were both pretty terrifying, but he had to say that it was the darkness that was scaring him so badly. He knew that the man would kill him with the knife, the same way he had killed that lady, but he had no idea what was in the sewers. What was worse was that the blonde had seen where he had gone to hide. What if he closed the cover on him? What if he told that silver-haired man where he was? Through the gap of the manhole, Duo could see the blonde, still standing exactly where he had been before, looking out into the snowy night.   
    Now that Duo could get a decent look at the teenager without worrying about him gutting him, he realized that he wasn’t really all that scary. He was really tall, and he was in shape without being overly muscular, thin without looking starved. The blonde looked like he could cut you in half just by flashing those blood red eyes in a glare, but now that that piercing stare wasn’t on Duo, he could see how tired the teenager looked, like he was worn through and through, only standing because of some inner strength. He wasn’t even going near Duo’s hiding spot, which suited Duo, the fingers on his right hand running over the dog tags he wore in an almost affectionate gesture and Duo caught a glimmer of something on his wrist that gleamed a deep purple under the lamplight, but he couldn’t see it well enough. The tall boy seemed so silent and solemn, Duo had no idea what to make of him. Boys like that were almost always in a gang, cut-throat, jaded, and cruel, but this one was all alone and with the clothes he was wearing, he was either in a bad spot like Duo, hadn’t spent much time on the streets, or he was a prostitute. Or there was the possibility he was all of those things.   
    The boy barely moved when Duo’s pursuer stumbled into his alley, out of breath and looking furious. Duo had to close his mouth tight to keep from making any noise. It was so quiet out with the falling snow, Duo worried that the man might hear his thunderous heart beat. The blonde, though obviously young, was as tall as the man, who Duo supposed, to adults, wasn’t very tall, but the blonde looked like he could grow some more. Still, in a fight, Duo had the thought that the blonde would overtake the silver-haired man easily, if not because he looked stronger, then because the blonde looked like the sort that wouldn’t back down, even if he was stabbed in the gut, but on the other hand, the man looked like someone that would try to survive, even if it meant a wound to his pride.   
    The teenager didn’t even seem to glance at the silver-haired man until he tried to walk past him into the alley, then he grabbed him by the back of his jacket and yanked him back.  
    “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” the teenager growled. Duo blinked. With his gold hair, red eyes, and that intimidating growl, he sounded kind of like a pissed off lion.   
    “None of your damn business!” the man snapped back.  
    “I’ll say it is,” the blonde snarled back, “This corner’s mine, find your own turf and fuck off.”  
    The man whirled on him, ready to fight.  
    “I’m looking for someone-,” he started.  
    “Don’t give a shit,” the blonde waved him off like he were fly, “Get out of my alley, now, old man. I’m not in the mood for hide and seek.”  
    The man, who looked like he was in his twenties, and certainly not an old man, Duo thought, growled at the teen, but it didn’t seem as impressive as the blonde’s.  
    “You stupid fuck… I’ll gut you, you understand me?! Now get out of my way, I have some unfinished business-,” the man tried to dart forward. Duo heard the ‘schick’ of knife and saw the glint of metal in the low light as the teenager pressed a very sharp looking hunting knife to the man’s throat, which stopped him dead in his tracks.  
    “Maybe I got an accent,” the blonde hissed, “Or maybe you’re deaf, or maybe you’re just plain dumb, but I’ll speak slow so you can understand me. Get… the fuck out…now. This area’s mine now, and if I see you around again, I’ll show you the proper way to gut someone, got it?”   
    The silver-haired man didn’t even respond, all the fight leaving him at the feel of cold steel against his skin. He fled out of the alley, slipping a little on the snow and almost plowing into someone was standing at the opening of the alley, watching all of this with amusement. The figure watched the younger man as he ran off into the night, then approached the blonde.  
    “Asshole,” Duo heard the blonde mutter under his breath, then the teen’s body stiffened when he noticed the man walking towards him. The man was huge to Duo, he looked about twice the blonde’s size, but it was his green eyes that shocked him. Helen had once told him that nowadays, it was more common to see the pigment mutation that had caused Duo’s violet eyes and the blonde teen’s red eyes than anyone with natural green eyes. In fact, Duo thought this was the first time he had seen green eyes.   
    With brown, shaggy hair, a cruel smile, and his large frame, if the teenager looked like a lion, then this man looked like a bear to Duo. Whether intentional or not, Duo realized that the teenager had saved his life by forcing the silver-haired man away, so when the green-eyed man strode up to the boy, Duo felt a shiver of fear that the blonde was going to die messily, but he glared up at the man in a way that spoke to Duo of annoyance, not fear or anger, and familiarity.     The teen didn’t back down, he stood his ground as the man walked up to him, his arms crossed over his chest. Duo quickly realized that this meeting was planned. Why else would the green-eyed man be out this late, in the snow and cold? It also explained why the blonde was here, too. Duo had never seen him before, so he was probably new, but even new street kids never wandered around this late unless they were really, really desperate. If the blonde was a new whore, he was probably desperate to keep his territory and to make as many marks as he could before someone had the thought that he was a pushover. The blonde was obviously not an idiot, at least he didn’t seem to be one, and if he had staked a claim on this area, he had to have some edge to him. Still, Duo shuddered at the thought of the blonde trading sex with the green-eyed man, he looked so… big!   
    “Took you long enough,” the blonde grumbled, “I was about to look up someone else. ‘s too damn cold to be waiting for your ass all night long.”  
    The green-eyed man smirked, taking a long look at the blonde.  
    “Patience is a virtue, kid,” he said teasingly. The blonde snorted at him and started to walk past him, towards the street.  
    “Whatever. I assume you have someplace warm you want to go to,” he said. The green-eyed man grabbed his arm.  
    “No. We’ll do it right here,” he ordered. Duo’s eyes widened. So they really were going to fuck?! He felt his face burn. It certainly wasn’t something he wanted to see… especially after what the blonde had done for him. He had heard it sometimes in the night… outside whatever place he could find to hole himself in, people… having sex, but he had always tried to tune it out. The look on the blonde’s face probably looked a lot like his, his eyes wide with shock and worry. Duo suddenly realized that that was why the blonde had been trying to lead the man away, he didn’t want Duo to watch this. It was considerate, most whores wouldn’t care about a street rat watching them ‘work’, but it seemed to horrify this one.   
    “No way!” the blonde protested. Duo bit down to keep from gasping when the large man shoved the blonde against the wall and pressed his chest to the teenager’s back, keeping him trapped there.   
    “You don’t get to call the shots, slut,” the man growled and Duo thought that his growl was pretty damn impressive, “I’m paying to fuck you, you don’t need to worry about where or when or why.”  
    Duo couldn’t see the blonde’s expression as his head was turned away, but his voice was filled with remorse and resignation.  
    “Fine, but I want to be paid up front,” he said.  
    “I don’t think so,” the man snapped, “I don’t trust you whores. You grab the money and split before you do your jobs. You all should be locked up and chained so you don’t get the chance to run away.”  
    “You think just because I’m a kid, I’m stupid?!” the blonde snarled, “So you can fuck me and not pay? Give me half now, or I won’t do shit for you. You can rape me if you like, but I won’t make it so easy for you.”  
    Duo thought that the man could do just that, rape the teen, and he would probably like it that way, so he was surprised when he saw the man slip some bills into his jeans pocket.  
    “There, now unzip your pants. I don’t want to be stuck in the cold anymore than I have to,” the man said in a low voice. Duo hooked his arms around the rungs of the ladder so that he could squeeze his eyes shut and put his hands tightly over his ears at the same time. As scared as he was of the dark, he didn’t want to know what was going on even more.   
    Duo’s small body shook as the sounds escalated to the point that he wondered if there was a fight going on. It didn’t sound like sex to him… but what did he know? But… what if the blonde was in trouble? That’s what it sounded like to him, not that he could do anything about it… if he did, what if the man wanted to do that with him, too? Instead, he stayed as quiet as he could, even trying to not breathe very loudly, which was hard because he didn’t dare breathe through his nose with the nasty smell of the sewer. He waited until he couldn’t hear anything, not even footsteps, though it seemed like a very long time. What was taking so long? All the whores he knew liked things quick and simple. When every last sound had ceased, Duo crawled out of the manhole.   
    Waiting for him, neatly placed, like a present from Santa or God; not that he believed in either anymore, were a pair of boots that were way too big for him, a pair of sneakers that looked just right, and a jacket that was also just his size. Duo couldn’t wrap his head around these gifts. Had the blonde left these for him? But why were they exactly his size, except for the boots? They looked kind of like the boots the blonde had been wearing… Duo looked over to where the green-eyed man had had the blonde trapped against the wall and saw that the snow was completely bloody, like looking at cherry-flavored snow cones or slush. Duo hugged the jacket to his chest. It was warm, like someone had been holding it for awhile. Duo sniffed, but it wasn’t because of the cold. He had met the blonde for only a few seconds, but he was worried about him. He had to have been the one to leave the clothes for him, but why? Why would he be nice to a strange kid?   
    “Thank you,” he whispered to the empty winter night.   
*****  
    Whenever Duo had a nightmare, no matter how bad it was, he had the sensation of shooting awake, from one state to another, so quickly and violently that it was disorientating and he had to take a few minutes to figure out what had happened and if he was still asleep or not. This time was different, it was though he were just waking up normally. His eyes opened slowly and, for once, his heart wasn’t racing. And yet… he felt heavy somehow, like he couldn’t move his body, or he simply didn’t want to. Duo rolled onto his side, feeling oddly cold even though it was rather warm in the room. It was like the dream had chased him into waking, he could still feel the snow on his feet, could still feel the biting wind. His heart still felt like it was pounding in fear and worry, but he knew it wasn’t.   
    Duo wanted to claim that the nightmare had only been a nightmare. His distance from Heero, and what Trowa had said about relying on his friends for comfort, had awoken a deep, dark loneliness in him for his prostitute friends. The dead girl in his dream had looked exactly like Yuki, and the teenager had looked like Shi. He wanted to believe that this was just his mind’s way of telling him that he should go see them, but he knew it wasn’t. He knew the difference between a dream and a memory, even if it was a memory he had blocked from his mind for so many years. This was exactly like his memory of Helen, now that he knew it was there… he just knew it was real.   
    He remembered the cold of that night, he remembered how much he had still missed Helen. He remembered that dead girl, wondering what the man had done to her and who she was. He remembered how scared he had been, being chased in the blackness of that snowy night, even though he had never really been worried about death, just about the pain and fear of the unknown. He remembered how warm that jacket had been and how well the sneakers had been… and how his gratefulness and worry over the strange teenager had almost brought him, who struggled through hunger, storms, near death, and hundreds of other things, to tears.   
    Duo’s eyes widened and he sat up quickly. He had met Shi before… that thought made his heart race for real and he was torn between excitement at the idea and a huge wave of loneliness. He had absolutely no doubt that the boy that had saved his life that had been Shi. No one else could instill such dual feelings of being threatened and being protected at the same time. Those crimson eyes… Duo had always known that Shi wasn’t the joking badass he acted like. Sure, he was overprotective, smoked a ton whenever he could afford it, and could be abrasive, but there was something underneath all that, a deep sadness that seemed to extend beyond just having to whore himself to survive. He had seen it that night, that loneliness. That night that he… well, the night he had thought he had been meeting Shi for the first time, had Shi recognized him, or had he… done what he had done just because it was natural for him to help people from being victims? How many times had his street friends saved his life, and he hadn’t even been aware of it? They probably thought he was scum, running out on them like that.  
    Pain slashed at his heart and he had to roll out of bed with the weight of it. It was too much… so many bad memories… all interlaced with sweet moments with his friends that made him want to hurt himself for being such a terrible friend. He felt like he was doomed to that fate… betraying and letting down his friends. He felt so worthless… it made him feel so heavy, he didn’t want to move. He felt tears go down his cheeks. He wanted to see Solo so badly… he wanted to see all of them, Yuki… He just wanted someone warm and alive, someone he could share himself with, to hold him tight and tell him that it was ok, he wasn’t the horrible person that he thought he was. Heero… he wanted Heero, he wanted to feel that warmth and care again.   
    Duo suddenly found himself standing in front of Heero’s closed door. It was just one of those things, he didn’t know if it was one of his memory gaps or he was just so tired, he was almost in a trance-like state, but there he was, staring at the door. He put his hand against it, feeling the wood under his skin. He could open it… maybe crawl into bed with Heero, maybe Heero would even accept him… he wanted that so badly, but how could he? If he admitted how much he needed Heero… he couldn’t pretend that he could stay away from him anymore. Heero might wrap him up in those strong arms of his and Duo knew he would be lost. He could never deny him again.   
    Biting off a pained, teary moan of frustration, Duo put his back to the door and sat down on the hallway floor. He couldn’t go in… he wanted it so badly, but he had to deny himself that… It felt so much like self-mutilation, hurting himself over and over for a reason he was quickly losing a grasp on. In the dark hours of the night, so tired, he could feel himself drooping as he sat in the hallway, Duo wondered what he was doing, why he didn’t just open the door and do what every instinct was screaming at him to do. He was so tired, and it would be so easy to ignore those reasons, even his guilt… to fall into the impulse to be held. He was so confused… Did Heero hate him, did he blame him, could he be protected? So many questions, each one only making him cry harder. It was so quiet, and dark… his worst nightmare, and yet, he didn’t know if it was real or not, but he thought he could hear Heero’s breathing, almost a light snore, through the wooden door, a sign that he was sleeping peacefully. Real or not, the sound lulled him into a dreamless sleep as he curled up against the door.  
*****  
 _“You have humans who care about you, too, remember? We worry about you, and it would be nice if you told us all the things that are bothering you so we don’t have to worry so much.”_  
    Duo awoke with those words ringing in his head a mere two hours after he had fallen asleep in the hallway. His entire body ached from sleeping on the hard wood floor and wall, especially his legs and back, so he had to bite off a groan when he struggled to his feet. It was still dark in the hallway, and he knew everyone was still sleeping, so he didn’t want anyone to know…  
    He stopped the thought abruptly. Wasn’t this what Trowa had warned him about, keeping secrets? Maybe keeping secrets about something little was ok, but he understood what Trowa meant. When it was big things, like getting out of bed in the middle of the night, crying in depression, he should tell someone. Trowa had said that it made them worry… and that he should be talking to his human friends, because they cared about him. Guilt stabbed at him mercilessly. He had been hiding from his friends, not just Quatre and Trowa, but Amaaya, too. What was she thinking, that he was being so cruel, he would call her, but not return any of her calls? What the hell was wrong with him? Trowa was right, she was worried and she cared. He should have told her what was going on, instead, he was ignoring her when he really did want to talk to her. He couldn’t see Solo, he was too ashamed, but he wanted to see someone from the old gang, he wanted to feel that understanding they had given him so easily before.  
    Duo stumbled to his room as quietly as he could, his legs and feet feeling prickly with pins and needles. Sitting on his bed was nice, he no longer felt like a baby deer just learning how to walk, though his legs still felt shaky as the blood went back into them. He felt kind of pathetic, actually. Last night, he had sought comfort from an idea of friendship, staked outside Heero’s door, reveling in what should be, what he wanted, but was still too much of a coward to seek out. He should have gone to talk to someone, instead of just falling asleep in front of Heero’s door like a basket case. The next thing Duo knew, he was dialing Amaaya’s number on his cell phone. This time, he was just as scared of talking to her, and what she might say, as before, but he had no intention of hanging up.   
    Duo’s fingers tightened on the phone as Amaaya’s voice mail picked up. It was still her voice though, not one of those computer generated voices and he felt ashamed at how happy the mere sound of her voice made him. He wanted to laugh in self-depreciation and irony. When he actually found the courage to talk to her, he got her bloody answering service, when he didn’t, she kept calling him. He wanted to cry. It was in him to just disconnect the call and throw the phone into the wall in frustration. Instead, he got a quick grip over his wide range of emotions and decided to make the next move instead of her. If he left a message, she would understand that he was ready to talk to her now, right?  
    “… Amaaya, it’s Duo…” he said hesitantly, swallowing a few times in nervousness. He shouldn’t be nervous, he told himself, it was just her answering machine, but that made it worse. He struggled to find the words to tell her how badly he needed to talk to her. He could talk to Trowa about how he felt about Heero, but not about Shi and Solo, only Amaaya could understand that.   
    “I’m sorry I haven’t been returning your calls, I…” Duo lamely tried to find an excuse and decided to go with the truth, “No, I guess there’s no excuse other then what an idiot I am. I… I really need to talk to you. In Boston, something really, really bad happened and I think I messed things up. Yeah… I messed things up, really badly, and… I don’t know what to do… I’m lost. Heero and I are speaking to each other. I put him in danger and I don’t know how to make up for that. I don’t know what I should do, if I should stay away from him or not, because I want him to be safe… but my gut is telling me that being with him is the right thing to do. I can’t go to Shi or Solo, or even Hi, with this. I want to… but I’m too ashamed. I haven’t talked to any of them for… a very long time. At first, I just wasn’t well enough, then, I just wanted to pretend I was normal and I wasn’t ready to let go of that. It was so selfish of me… now, I don’t want them to hate me. I can’t face that… I just can’t. I love them too much. What would they think of me for abandoning them, then jeopardizing this wonderful chance I’ve been given? Hell, what will they think about not trying to help them out? Here I am in this beautiful house with these kind people, and they’re still in the cold. It isn’t fair, I don’t deserve this like they do. I just… I feel like I’m back in that… room… again. Everything is so dark, I can’t move and I feel like there’s no hope. I can’t turn to anyone because I’ve betrayed them with my secrets and… just being me. I feel like I don’t deserve hope, because I’ve betrayed the people who love me… Shi, Solo, Heero… you…”  
    Duo paused, struggling to describe how he felt, so far away from the few good things in his past and the good things he had now, Heero… how hard it was, trying to deny those things in the past and trying to survive in his current situation, how disconnected from himself he felt, the more distant he was from Heero, whom he felt was the bridge between those two identities. Fuck, without Heero near him, comforting him, being able to tell him these feeling, he felt like he had a major mental disorder. He probably did, according to Wufei. He hung up in mid-breath. What else could he possibly say to her? “I’m sorry”? Wasn’t he though? More than anything, he felt remorse, and guilt. But ‘sorry’ didn’t seem enough, it never had. Betrayal… it was as good a word as any other. It described his actions perfectly.  
*****  
    Wufei was bored. He hated track with a passion and, in his opinion, the only thing worse than running just for the sake of running was that only five people could use the track by the football field at a time, so the gym class took turns, and when one group was running, the rest of the class had to sit on the grass and wait. It seemed like a huge waste of time to him. He had never been very good at running anyway. He had been raised into being an expert at martial arts and had taught that running was just cowardly. He had always believed that, so he had never cared that he was not a fast or lengthy runner. When he fought, he was fast, but to run away… why would he ever need such a skill?  
    He had always believed those things, but then he had come here and had met Duo. He found himself relying on a whole new set of skills trying to make it through high school gym. He did very well in wrestling, but that had only been a couple of classes. He knew he could do well in archery, he had pretty good aim, and basketball was entertaining, since he was good at working as a team to achieve a goal and could be agile when the situation called for it, but this track business defeated him. So, even though Duo had told them that track was one of the few sports he was actually good at, he had been shocked when it had been Duo’s turn to run and he had beaten boys twice his size by over a minute. The entire class had almost gone twice at the track, but no one had beaten Duo’s time yet.   
    Despite Wufei’s previous views of running, watching Duo was simply amazing. He didn’t even look like he was exerting that much effort, he but he flew when he ran. Wufei could see that their male classmates were frustrated trying to beat him, probably annoyed that someone who was so bad at sports couldn’t be caught. Some of the girls, on the other hand, seemed very impressed by his skill, like characters from a bad teen movie fawning over a football star, but the glares of his friends kept them from approaching him over it, especially Heero’s glare, which was strong enough to set things on fire, or encase them in a block of ice. Wufei had assumed that it was simply a matter of being in shape. He thought that the other boys were more used to eating junk food and playing video games, while he had been trained to physically fit, so he should be able to be as fast as Duo, right?   
    Wufei realized his error in judgment when he watched his other friends run. Heero and Trowa were second to Duo’s time, but still far behind, which had shocked Wufei. Quatre didn’t even come close, but had laughed it off, saying that he wasn’t good at individual sports, he was more of a team player, a tactician. It turned out that Wufei was almost as bad. Watching Duo run a second time, Wufei realized his error. As fit as he was, he didn’t know how to run. He has thought that, if he just went all out, like how he did when he wrestled or fought, he would be able to get a decent time easily, but through the second lap, his energy had quickly abandoned him. He realized that he had to pace himself, but even when he did, he still hadn’t come close to Duo. Duo had explained to him why it was that he was so fast, that he had spent his entire childhood running, and if he hadn’t been so good at it, he would have died before he had turned seven. That explanation just made Wufei feel sad, though, so he wasn’t sure it was such a good thing that Duo was a good runner.   
    Wufei looked up at the powder-blue sky. It really was a nice day to be outside for gym, but he would rather find a tree to read under than be running around or sitting in the grass doing nothing. He glanced over at Quatre and Trowa, who were sitting next to each other, whispering to each other about something in Italian. To the casual observer, they just looked like the best of friends, chatting away, a bit closer to each other than friends would be sitting, but Wufei knew that, hidden in the un-cut grass, their hands were touching. It was such a small thing, but it made Wufei’s heart hurt. It seemed ironic to him. His parents had brought him to a country that boasted of equal rights and liberal attitude so that he could have a chance to find his own way, without hiding, and yet here were his two friends, who couldn’t even hold their hands in plain sight or they would be made into a spectacle. How close they were, and how they seemed to take their hidden relationship in stride, made Wufei ache for his own boyfriend.  
    Wufei knew the tricks, better than most, of how to be affectionate and hide at the same time. He had grown up in a society that had taught him that hugging in public and, especially kissing, just wasn’t done, such displays should be done in private, not public. But, seeing how… touchy Americans could be, and how open girls and boys were with each other, he wanted to do those things with Fai in a way he had never even thought of. Yes, hiding his relationship had been painful, but he had only kissed him outside of their homes once, but that time had been a special occasion. He wondered if Fai would like it here. He would enjoy the freedom of art and speech Americans shared, as well as the sugary foods. Sweets had always been Fai’s greatest weakness, though he probably wouldn’t like how… busy it was here. It had been the same in China. Fai had lived in a small village all of this life and when, one summer, they had visited Hong Kong with their families, Fai had been overwhelmed by the fast pace of the city. Still, Wufei often had a dream of kissing Fai under the huge maple tree in his backyard, something that made him blush whenever he saw that tree. He supposed his friends would think that it was such a simple fantasy, but to him, it was powerful, something he yearned for with all his heart.   
    “Wow! Look at Duo go,” Quatre suddenly said. Wufei looked over at the track and saw that Duo was, once again, ahead of the other runners.  
    “Well, he did mention that he was only good at archery and track,” Trowa pointed out, “He’s thin and has a lot of stamina. Everyone else tires out too easily. And this is one of the few sports we’ve had to do where no one has to be tall or strong to do well in it. The only time he was good at basketball or football was when he had to outrun someone, not out muscle them.”  
    “We should be able to pick which activities to do, anyway,” Quatre said in annoyance, “It isn’t fair for Duo or myself to play football against a bunch of juvenile delinquents! It makes Duo feel inadequate, just because he isn’t as big as some of the other boys. I bet he’s really good at stuff like gymnastics, though.”  
    Trowa chuckled.  
    “It’s good for him to try different things, too, though. But you’re right, forcing you and Duo to play things you know you aren’t good at doesn’t help anyone. You should better yourselves at things you can do well. Duo’s actually really excited to play archery next week, now that his eyes are all better,” Trowa mentioned.   
    “Wufei!”   
    The Chinese boy looked over as Ms. Schbeiker ran over to him.  
    “Mr. Khushrenada says that your parents are on his phone for you. You have to go to the principal’s office,” she told him. Wufei narrowed his eyes. Why would his parents have any need to call him? Unless there had been an emergency… this didn’t make much sense to him. It was the middle of the day, so his parents couldn’t have been in a car accident, and they couldn’t be saying they would be home late or that he needed to catch a ride since he had started getting rides from Heero and he was very self sufficient. He honestly couldn’t think of any other explanation than something really terrible had happened. Had something happened at the hospital? He had heard a story of a man that had held doctors at gunpoint to get his wife treatment because they were dirt poor in Montana, but he didn’t want to think about his mother being in a situation like that.   
    “Wufei, is something wrong?” Quatre asked worriedly. Wufei gave him a small smile.  
    “I’m sure everything’s fine,” he lied. He stood up, brushing bits of grass from his pants and followed Hilde back into the school.   
Unlike Heero and Duo, Wufei only recalled being in the principal’s office twice, neither time for any sort of punishment, one when he had first transferred as a welcoming, and the second had been when Heero had beaten up that boy in the locker room and Mr. Khushrenada had wanted Wufei’s version of events. This time, however, he felt like he was in trouble, he was sure his beating heart was similar to students who knew they were going to be punished for something bad. He and the principal shared a look when Wufei marched into the office, then Treize handed him his phone. The Chinese teen was grateful when the ginger haired man left him alone in the office, closing the door to give him some privacy. In Wufei’s mind, this move had to have meant that what was going on was serious, either that or Treize was just naturally thoughtful, a trait Wufei had not witnessed in many Americans towards children his age.   
    “Hello?” he said hoarsely into the phone.  
    “Él,” a feminine voice said, sounding relieved, “I’m glad to see your teacher was able to take you out of class without much trouble. I hope it did not cause any problems.”  
    “Niáng,” Wufei breathed. At least his mother was not hurt, he thought. He was ashamed to admit he had never been close to his father, though he and his mother had been very close. The two of them were more alike. While his father had taught him martial arts and the duties of the man, when Wufei had had the time to indulge in his true passions, reading and, he was ashamed of this also, studying herbology, his mother had always joined him. According to her, her love of reading and studying, as well as her natural talent with plants and tending to living things had caused her to pursue being a doctor. In school, she had practically devoured every medical text she could get her hands on and, even here in America, their garden was lush, varied, and thriving. Wufei understood that, even here, it was not considered a male past-time, gardening, but it was very relaxing and he enjoyed it.   
    Wufei had used to like poetry as well, something his grandfather would have frowned upon. His father was a bit more liberal, though Wufei knew he still worried about him and his sexuality, so he allowed him to be involved in these things. Wufei supposed he had always been something of a closeted child. He had never had many friends. In fact, the only friends he still had were his cousin, Meiran, and Fai. So, he had immersed himself in his books and had never bothered to see how the world really worked. He had thought that what he read was the world, especially where relationships were concerned. Fai was very closeted, too, so they had never had any problems. However, now Wufei’s eyes were wide open, thanks to Duo, though he still wasn’t sure that he wanted them to be. He hadn’t read poetry for many months now, realizing that he needed to change his way of thinking about things, especially relationships. All he had to do was look at Heero and Duo’s failing friendship, yet still constant attraction to each other to know that real life was not at all like what he read. In a book or poem, the two of them would have been boyfriends by now, but here they were, still floundering around each other.  
    “What is wrong?” Wufei asked in concern.  
    “Do not worry,” his mother soothed, “No one is hurt, I just need for you to do something once your classes are over today. Your friend is still driving you, yes?”  
    Wufei sighed. He knew he shouldn’t have gotten worked up over this. He turned off his cell phone during classes, so if his mother needed something, how else was she supposed to reach him? Still, he was irritated that he had thought something terrible was wrong and everything is fine.  
    “Yes, Heero is driving me home today,” Wufei told her, “Anything you need, I will have to ask him about. Do you really need this by the time I get home?”   
    “Oh, I would think so,” his mother said, her tone smug in a way that mothers would get when they were presenting their child with a gift that they knew they would like. Wufei was immediately on alert.   
    “What is going on?” he demanded.  
    “A few hours ago, I received a phone call from your friend, Fai,” his mother informed him. Wufei stiffened, his heart pounding again.  
    “What is wrong?! Is he hurt?!” Wufei snapped. A thousand scenarios went through his mind. What if someone in their village had learned that Fai was a homosexual and had hurt him for it? He had never thought that someone in their village would do something so cowardly, but here in America, he had seen in on the news many times. Homosexuality was more accepted nowadays, they had even earned the right to marry almost everywhere and have children together, but certain attitudes towards them remained and Wufei was sure that they always would.   
    “Wufei, settle down,” his mother shushed him, “This is good news. He is making a trip here. He will be at the Bangor air port an hour after you get out of school.”  
    Wufei’s heart stopped in his chest. Fai… was coming… here? He thought his chest was going to explode in happiness.  
    “But… how?” he breathed, “His family doesn’t have the money to send him here on a whim, and even if they did, they would never do that! They would never want him in this country.”  
    “It is my understanding that Fai has done this without his parents’ permission and is paying for the ticket on his own,” his mother told him, “Your father and I have offered to put him up for the week that he is going to be here, but I will not be off work until late and I would not like him to be at the airport for so long, especially since this is a strange country for him and I do not want some stranger taking advantage of him. You will pick him up, won’t you?”  
    “Of course I will!” Wufei blurted out, “Even if I have to pay for a taxi… I’ll definitely meet him there!”  
    His mother chuckled at his enthusiasm.  
    “Mother… thank you for this…” he said excitedly.  
    “There is no need, Wufei, I know how you feel for Fai. Giving him the spare room is no big deal. Perhaps, if your teachers allow it, you can show him around your school, and, of course, introduce him to your friends,” she said.  
    Wufei nodded, though no one could see it.  
    “Of course,” he agreed.  
    “Call me when you get him home, if you can?” she asked.  
    “Yes, mother,” he said, already so excited, he could barely stand still. Fai was coming here, for an entire week! The only problem was… he was going to have to tell his friends the truth…  
  
End Part 15  
  



	36. Surgery Part 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo and the gang meet Wufei's boyfriend, a shy boy named Fai. Will Fai be able to mesh with Wufei's new circle of friends? And what will he do when he finds out that Wufei once pursued Duo?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 16  
  
    Wufei, who was usually very attentive and studious, had a hard time sitting through the rest of his classes. When the final bell rang, it was a great relief to him. He felt like a little kid, ready to jump up and down in anticipation. He had been so lonely since his parents had made the decision to leave China. He wasn’t quite sure if it was leaving his home or just leaving Fai that had made the first few weeks here so unbearable. He had friends now, and that had gone a long way to make him feel welcome in America, but he still felt lonely. The way he saw it, he had three choices. He could stay here in America and be lonely for the rest of his life, he could go back to China with Fai and be miserable with having to pretend they weren’t lovers, or he could, somehow, have Fai just live here, which brought about a number of questions and problems he could already think of.   
    He met up with Duo and Quatre, who walked out to the school parking lot to find Heero’s car. Wufei couldn’t help but study Duo as they walked together. He really was beautiful and strong and even now, Wufei could still see the things that reminded him of Fai. But, now that he could look past those things, he could also see the things that made him completely different. Still, they were so similar… he shook his head. It didn’t matter anymore, it would have never mattered anyway. Duo wouldn’t have fallen for him and, in the end, Wufei would have gotten over Duo. Yes, he was still beautiful, but he wasn’t in love with him, just attracted to him. Duo didn’t belong to him, he belonged to Heero, whether they would ever admit it to each other or not. And Wufei didn’t belong to Duo, he belonged to Fai. He understood that now. No, it never would have worked. Even if he and Duo had decided to be a couple, Wufei would have still been distracted by his need for Fai, and the realization that Duo was simply his replacement.  
    He had acted childishly. He had let his longing for home and his lover turn him into a fool, thinking that he could rebuild what he had once had, here in America but what he had with Fai was special and he could never have it with someone else. He was just glad that he had figured that out before he had completely destroyed his relationship with his boyfriend. How could he have almost thrown that away? It was like he had been throwing a temper tantrum. It was completely logical to assume that, one day, he and Fai would meet again, but instead of believing in that, he had believed his life had been ruined and he would never be happy with his lover again. That was probably why it hurt so much to watch Heero and Duo together. It wasn’t because he was jealous of Heero, though he still was, just a little bit; it was because they reminded him of his own relationship, and how he was unable to be with Fai. Heero and Duo obviously loved each other, but refused to admit it. Even before Boston had happened, they had distanced themselves and their feelings. It was so frustrating, watching them, and knowing he was basically in the same situation.  
    Heero and Trowa were waiting for them at the car, speaking in hushed, irritated tones about something that Wufei couldn’t make out and by the time they were close enough to hear, Trowa had spotted them and had stopped lecturing Heero.   
    “Heero,” Wufei asked right away, “I need a favor of you.”  
    Heero narrowed his eyes at him and Wufei realized he was thinking of their encounter in the gym. He wondered if that was what he and Trowa had been arguing about, his current situation with Duo.  
    “What is it?” Heero asked in a clipped tone.  
    “There’s someone I need to pick up at the Bangor airport,” Wufei said with a blush.  
    “That’s a long way,” Heero pointed out, “Who is it?”   
    Wufei’s blush deepened. “My boyfriend,” he murmured.   
    Quatre and Duo, who had been chatting about this restaurant in Venice that Quatre wanted to take Duo to one day despite Duo saying it was impossible because he didn’t have a passport, suddenly fell silent, both staring at him with wide eyes.  
    “You… have a boyfriend?” Duo asked softly, giving him a scrutinizing and annoyed look. Wufei sighed; he knew that he had to come clean about all of this. Duo probably thought he was a horrible person, chasing after him when he was already in a relationship, and Wufei didn’t blame him. What he had done was terrible.   
    “Yes. Back in China… it’s why my parents forced us to move here. I was in love… am in love with a friend of mine, another boy. I was the next in line to become clan master, and the current clan master didn’t approve of my relationship, but I was unwilling to compromise, so my parents thought it would be best if we were to live somewhere less… dutiful.”  
    “Because you’re gay?” Quatre said knowingly, thinking of his own father’s reaction to his sexuality. Wufei shook his head.   
    “It isn’t exactly like how you’re thinking. Men having sex with other men is fairly acceptable in my culture, but homosexuality is looked down upon. In other words, as long as a man does his duty to have a family, a wife, a child… he can do whatever he likes. He can have mistresses, though none that would jeopardize his family, and he can have male lovers. When I chose my boyfriend and denounced any female lovers, I became unwanted to the clan. As I said, I wouldn’t compromise, and my parents didn’t want me to have to.”  
    “Isn’t your boyfriend in danger, too, then?” Trowa asked, “Is that why he came here?”  
    “No,” Wufei explained, “You see… the head of the clan arranged a marriage between myself and the daughter of another clan, so when I denounced this arranged marriage, the head of my clan was furious. He tried to find out the name of my male lover, but I refused to give him up. I do not know why he is coming here, whether something has happened and he must take refuge, or if he just wants to see me.”  
    “But if you have a boyfriend… why did you try to date me? I mean, you kissed me!” Duo demanded, feeling annoyed by this whole thing. He had lived his life being tossed from one man to another. If he was ever in a serious relationship… he didn’t think he could ever cheat on that person. Being tied, sexually to one person and only one person… it sounded wonderful, so why would Wufei want to ruin that with him of all people?!  
    “You kissed him?!” Heero snarled and Wufei felt a huge spike of fear go through him, sure that the Japanese boy was going to hit him, but relaxed only a tiny bit when Heero didn’t do more than glare at him as though he were the devil himself.  
    “It was before you caught him and Zechs,” Wufei told him, “A very long time ago. I already apologized for it. Still, I guess that’s no excuse. I had no right to do something like that to him. I didn’t even ask, I’m no better than-,”  
    “Yes you are,” Duo snapped at him, “Yeah, what you did was childish and stupid, but just because you kissed me when I didn’t want you to; it doesn’t mean you’re as bad as a rapist. You backed off eventually. I’m not pissed about that! I’m pissed that you would cheat on your boyfriend so easily. You make it sound like you really love him, so why would you betray him like that?”  
    Pain clenched at Wufei’s heart.  
    “I was lonely,” he murmured, “I know that isn’t a good excuse for what I did to both of you, but I was. I wasn’t exactly… happy in China, but I thought for sure I would be completely miserable here, so I set out to make myself miserable. I told myself that I wouldn’t make any friends, because Americans were too different and would never understand me. I told myself that I would never see my boyfriend again. Then… I met you, Duo. Duo, you… you look a lot like my boyfriend, and your personality… you’re both so alike. Sometimes, when you do something or say something, I can see him in you.”  
    “So, you just wanted to feel the way you feel for him with me?” Duo asked, the anger bleeding out of his voice. Wufei nodded.  
    “’Fei,” Duo breathed, making Wufei flinch at the nickname, “You can’t do that, no matter how alike we are.”  
    “I know that now,” the Chinese boy confessed, “And I know I can never make amends for chasing after you, but I’ve always loved him and leaving him like that… it was painful.”  
    Quatre and Trowa shared a look, both thinking about how they would react if they had been forced apart like that.   
    “Well, I forgive you,” Duo told Wufei, “But you need to tell your boyfriend about it. ‘Lies in a relationship are like worms in the belly. You can’t see them, you may not even know they’re there, but they’ll keep eating away at you until it hurts so badly, it’s likely to kill you.’” Duo quoted.   
    Wufei nodded, “I plan to,” he looked at Heero, “So, can we pick him up at the airport?”  
    “It’s no problem to me,” Heero said, “I know the way, but it’s going to be over an hour’s drive,” he looked to his other friends.   
    “I don’t mind,” Duo said, “I want to meet him.”  
    Quatre and Trowa nodded their agreement.  
    “Then we’ll go,” Heero decided, getting into the car. Wufei got into the passenger’s side and looked Heero in the eye.  
    “Thank you,” he said. Heero just shrugged, pretending to be noncommittal again, but Wufei wasn’t fooled.   
*****  
    To his Wufei’s surprise, the airport was actually quite crowded, which led to Duo explaining to all of them that, once Spring started, Maine actually got a lot of tourists.   
    “But it isn’t even Spring Break, yet!” Wufei argued, “It’s still February!”  
    “Doesn’t matter,” Duo said, “Besides, if you think this is busy, just wait until April or May when towns with national parks start to hold fairs and such. Even our town gets a lot of it, which is kind of irritating, especially because of the increased traffic and the stupid questions, like “do you get moose in town” and “where’s the beach?””   
    Quatre laughed at the moose question and Trowa rolled his eyes at the ocean one.  
    “I mean, of course we get moose! We’re surrounded by the woods. We’re just glad we don’t get a whole lot of bears, probably because there are too many people and there aren’t a lot of campsites in the woods. We get a bull from time to time, but they just wander through. We mostly get white-tailed deer, foxes, raccoons, and porcupines for wildlife.”  
    Quatre stared at him with wide, shocked eyes.  
    “You have moose?!” he squeaked.  
    “I told you,” Duo chastised, “We don’t get many, mostly deer. We’re actually lucky that we don’t live near lakes or ponds, or we’d get a lot more wildlife, especially bears and beavers. Beavers are cute, but they’re a pain in the ass because they destroy everything. We get a ton of raccoons, though. On the streets, yun always had to be careful when yur goin’ through the dumpsters. Nothin’ worse ‘n stickin’ yur hand in and getting nipped by a ‘coon. They l’ways travel in packs n’ most of the time, thur rabid.”  
    The four boys stared at Duo in astonishment as his usually careful language devolved into an accent that Quatre and Wufei struggled to understand. Heero had witnessed it a few times when Duo talked about his past, especially if he wasn’t exactly paying attention to what he was saying, and instantly felt worried, but Duo seemed fine with talking about his days on the streets. Heero wondered if Duo considered those times better than the ones he spent with Wes. Starving versus being raped… Heero didn’t see how either of those could be considered an improvement over the other.   
Suddenly, Wufei spotted him. Fai was standing by a bunch of vending machines, watching an overhanging flat screen television with wide eyes, as though he didn’t know what to do with himself and Wufei realized that he really didn’t. He immediately forgot his friends and ran over to his lover. Fai noticed him and lit up into a brilliant, relieved smile.  
    “Wufei,” he greeted, unsure of what to do, so he bowed slightly, “I’m so glad you could pick me up. I’m sorry, I know it was so sudden-,”  
    The Chinese boy squeaked as Wufei pulled him into a tight hug, a move neither of them would have dared in their home village.  
    “Xīn’ ài,” Wufei breathed out, his fingers digging into Fai’s dark blue shirt, “It is good to see you again.”  
    Discretion and a life time of manners and correctness weren’t even enough to make Fai let go of his taller lover.   
    “It is good to see you, too, ‘Fei,” he murmured. Wufei was sure that his heart would explode with that nickname. He wanted very badly to kiss the boy in his arms, but even here, he knew it would not be appropriate. But he vowed that, once he was in his home or someplace else away from prying eyes, he would indulge himself.   
The four other boys chased after Wufei and when they caught up with them, Heero couldn’t help but study the unknown boy’s features. At first, he was startled to find that he and Duo did seem alike. Wufei’s boyfriend was small and thin, paler than Wufei, with long hair and bright, expressive eyes. Also, they shared the same shyness, Wufei’s boyfriend seemed to want to hide behind him as they approached and Duo lagged behind, completely unsure of himself. It almost made him laugh. The more he looked, however, the more differences he could see between the two of them. Fai was just a little bit taller, Duo was paler, Fai’s hair was several inches shorter, ending in his lower back while Duo’s hair ended at his butt, Duo was thinner, and while Fai seemed unafraid to show how shy he was, Duo tried to pretend he didn’t have problems in unfamiliar situations, or meeting new people. Also, as Fai turned to look at them, Heero noted that his long, jet black hair was pulled into a ponytail, not a beloved braid. Heero decided that he definitely preferred chestnut and violet to black and amber.   
    “This is Qiao Fai Jie,” Wufei introduced his lover to his friends, “Fai, this is Quatre Winner, Trowa Barton, Heero Yuy, and Duo Maxwell.”  
    Fai looked at the other boys with wide eyes the color of honeyed amber. Wufei worried that his boyfriend might try to bow to each of his friends, which would probably end up being awkward to everyone, but especially to Duo who wasn’t used to the show of respect, but to Wufei’s relief, Fai had the common sense to shake each of their hands.  
    “Hello,” the black haired boy said shyly.  
    “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Fai,” Quatre said with a brilliant smile, “It is alright to call you Fai?”   
    Fai nodded.  
    “It’s fine,” he assured them, “I… I hope my English is adequate. I’ve been studying up on America, so I hope I don’t do anything rude…”  
    Wufei smiled affectionately at him. It was just like Fai to study, not necessarily to learn, but to make sure he didn’t offend anyone. It made things a lot easier; he didn’t have to explain why certain… mannerisms that they used in China might seem backwards or too formal here.   
    “Your English is very good,” Duo told him, “I didn’t have much of an education, so when I started school here, I had to learn to speak it properly and I know how difficult the language is.”  
    Fai seemed to brighten at that and Wufei wanted to groan. Trust his lover to see an ally in Duo, who was unthreatening and willing to be patient with pretty much anyone. Not that he could blame Fai for that, Duo was a very easy person to get along with.   
    “I’m actually surprised,” Fai mused, “’Fei has more friends here than he ever had back home. You must be good to him for him to have brought you to meet me.”  
    Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and Duo all looked at each other and shrugged in unison which made Fai giggle, then blush harder at the noise.   
    “We should get going,” Trowa said, “I’m sure you’re tired from your flight.”  
    “Yes, it was a long flight and I’ve never been on a plane before,” Fai confessed, “Am I really staying with you, ‘Fei?”  
    Wufei nodded happily.  
    “I will make up the guest room when we get there, but it’s an hour drive, so you may want to sleep,” he told him. Fai smiled at him.  
    “That’s alright, I want to see what you saw when you came here,” he said happily.   
    “Well, there’s really nothing to see when you leave Bangor, especially when we get to St. Peters, just a lot of pine trees,” Duo told him as Wufei took Fai’s things for him and Heero led them all back to his car. When Fai saw the silver car, he stared at it in shock. Their hometown, while up in the mountains, wasn’t some hick town where they didn’t even have electricity, they were just a very traditional community that enjoyed their isolation from busy city life, so Fai had seen cars, his own father had one, but the sleek Lamborghini was something else, it was so sleek and powerful looking, his inner child just wanted to tinker around and play with it. He knew that America had a lot of nice things, but he didn’t think a car like that was common. He looked at Heero in awe as the Japanese boy unlocked the car.  
    “You really are a Yuy, aren’t you?” he breathed. He had assumed that it was just a common last name, but with those blue eyes and that car… he had to be Name Yuy’s son.   
    “It’s no big deal,” Heero murmured, embarrassed and not wanting to show it. In the past, he would have flaunted that name to anyone who recognized him that way, but with Duo, who was in heaven with his one hundred dollar weekly paycheck, standing so close to him, it was hard to feel smug about his wealth. He just felt ashamed of it, like he had no right to feel proud of it with so many other people who were happy to settle for less.  
    Quatre smirked to himself. In less than a year, Heero had gone from egotistical about his family name to embarrassed about it. That was quite a feat. He didn’t think that Heero should necessarily be ashamed of his status, but some healthy modesty had certainly done him some good. Fai certainly seemed impressed with him, but Quatre was sure that, if he and Heero had met when they had been old enough to understand the value of money, he would have been impressed with him, too.  
    Despite what his parents often told him, Fai wasn’t an idiot, he knew who Heero Yuy and Quatre Raberba Winner were, and realizing he was in the presence of the heirs of two of the wealthiest families in the world, it made his blood chill. In a way, it was a good thing he didn’t come from a rich family like Wufei had. No matter what he did, no matter how he acted, it wouldn’t make things better or worse for himself, so he didn’t have to worry about it, though he did resolve to not embarrass Wufei in front of his new friends.   
    He wondered if Trowa and Duo came from important families, too, though he didn’t think so, especially Duo. He just didn’t look like it. It wasn’t that he looked like he had been yanked out of the gutter, he was a bit thin and pale, but then so was he, Duo just acted so… refreshingly down to earth, and his eyes looked so old… like he had seen and known things most people twice his age hadn’t. Fai just couldn’t help but wonder how Wufei, who was aggressive and closed off at the best of times, had accumulated so many different friends so quickly.  
    As Wufei, Fai, and Duo settled in the back seat of the car, Wufei finally gave in to the urge to kiss his boyfriend, not caring if any of his friends saw. Fai blushed a brilliant scarlet at the familiar, intimate touch, but was too needy for Wufei’s affection to try to push him away. His fingers clung to Wufei’s shirt desperately, his nervousness fading at the overwhelming feeling of their lips touching. It had been a hard few months away from his boyfriend. Fai’s parents were very strict and trying to hide his homosexuality had always been hard, but going through the motions with Wufei to calm his frustrations had been unbearable.  
    Fai wished he had the courage to stay here with ‘Fei. America was strange to him, but now that he had his lover back in his arms, he found that he didn’t really care about that. He had begged his parents for money to go see his “best friend”, but they had denied him the right every time. His father had told him that Wufei was an outcast, not just from his clan, but their entire culture, for disobeying the clan master and going to America only proved his decadence and lack of morals. Once his father had told him this, Fai had realized that he could either never see Wufei again or he would have to get the money on his own, which had led him to taking up three jobs to pay for the ticket.  
    Now the two way ticket was paid for, though it had taken him many months to save up for, he was broke, though he didn’t really care. Maybe, his father was right and he was decadent and immoral, too, but he didn’t care. He had made it here, and he was happy. Even if he had disobeyed his parents, weren’t these feelings worth it? He smiled as Wufei put his hand over Fai’s and squeezed gently. Even if he was broke, in a strange place, and had gone against his parents’ wishes, he was going to enjoy his week with ‘Fei, no matter what.  
Duo sat next to Wufei while Trowa sat up front with Quatre on his lap. It was incredibly illegal, at least Duo was sure it was, but there were only five seats for six people, and he doubted that Quatre and Trowa would call a taxi, and if Heero was bothered by the seating arrangement, he didn’t say anything about it as he got back onto the highway, the silver car cutting through the lanes of traffic easily. Quatre giggled as Trowa wrapped his arms around his waist and softly kissed his neck. Duo looked over at Fai and Wufei, afraid he would find them necking, too, but they were just holding hands, whispering things in Mandarin, which almost made Duo laugh out loud. He wanted to point out that, if they were going to speak in their native tongue, they didn’t need to whisper, instead, he felt a strange stab in his gut as he looked at them that completely destroyed his good mood.   
    The longer Duo stared at Wufei and Fai’s linked hands, the more the pain in his stomach grew. He forced himself to look at the floor instead of the two other boys, but the pain didn’t fade, even a little bit. In a car filled with his friends, he suddenly felt oddly alone. He knew that, when it came to intimate relationships, he was the odd man out. It was ironic. Sexually, he had more experience than everyone in the car combined, but when it came to things like boyfriends holding hands and kissing without anything else involved, he didn’t really understand. All he knew was fucking, he didn’t get why Wufei seemed so excited over a simple kiss. He hadn’t met a single guy who thought foreplay like that was something spectacular. And holding hands didn’t even fall on his radar of sexuality. Seeing such things made him want to know how it felt. He remembered how excited he had ever been, every time Heero had touched him, but that was different. He was sure that that had nothing to do with sex, because what he felt for Heero was better than that, right? But, even though he couldn’t bear to think of his love for Heero as anything sexual, he wanted the sort of relationship that Wufei and Fai had. He wanted to be able to hold his hand and kiss him like that without anything between them, no guilt, no shame, no ghosts or darkness. He wanted to have the courage to accept that from Heero and yet… he knew that he never would. He couldn’t even talk to him about how terrified he had been in Boston, thinking that Heero would die because of him, how could he ever have the strength to kiss him? He wanted to understand it… all these things he felt when he looked at Heero, how they overwhelmed him, gave him nightmares and hope at the same time. He wanted to ask Wufei how he had done it, where he had found that strength, but in the end… he knew he would never be like Fai, would never have someone to look at him that way, as though he were something special, something to be respected and loved. How could anyone think that way about him? He had his friends and that should be enough, especially when he was leaving some of them behind…they had to be enough.  
    The traffic going back into town wasn’t nearly as bad as going into Bangor, so they got to Wufei’s house before either of his parents were home, which was just fine with Wufei. He wanted to have a talk with Fai as soon as they were alone.   
    “It was nice to meet you!” Quatre called as Fai and Wufei left the car, waving to them and trying to shift into the back seat with Duo at the same time, “Wufei, you should bring him round to school tomorrow!”  
    Wufei nodded at him, feeling subdued and brimming with energy at the same time. Quatre and Duo watched as Wufei escorted his lover into the house.   
    “Well, that was odd,” Quatre murmured to himself.  
    “What?” Duo asked in confusion. He hadn’t found anything about meeting Fai ‘odd’, besides Wufei’s readiness to abandon the teen just for a thing with him. He had seen the way Wufei had looked at his boyfriend, how could he possibly have thought Duo could give him that same sort of feeling? If he had something like that and had lost it… he knew that he would never be able to find something similar and would have given up miserably. But he could understand why Wufei would want to feel that way again, even if it his attempts had been a mile off.   
    “I guess I don’t know what I was expecting,” Quatre mused,     “Someone like Wufei I suppose, someone tough and aggressive, standoffish, but proud, but Fai wasn’t like that at all. I guess it’s true what they say, opposites attract.”  
    “It’s a good thing,” Trowa chimed in, “Can you imagine if Wufei had a boyfriend who was just like him? They’d be insufferable. I like Wufei, he’s a loyal friend, but he’s like a bull at times, too proud to see when he’s wrong and too willing to prove that his way is best. If they ever got into a fight, it would be endless. And maybe Fai is his opposite, he’s soft spoken, modest, and polite, but he’s just as smart as Wufei, you can see it in his eyes. He probably reads just as much as his boyfriend does.”  
    Duo settled in his seat and closed his eyes. ‘Opposites attract’… he had heard the saying several times before, but he had never put much stake in it. He had always thought that, the more you had in common with someone, the more likely you would get along, but Trowa was right, Wufei and Fai really seemed to compliment each other and they had very different personalities, and they were in love. Looking at his friends, he realized that it was true. He had practically nothing in common with Wufei, Quatre, and Heero, but they were great friends and he cared for all of them a lot. The only one that was close to him and his personality was Trowa. They were both quiet, studious, and loved animals, and their past experiences were fairly similar. However, even their similarities were different. Trowa wasn’t quiet because he was afraid to speak, he just didn’t like to speak unless he had something very important to say. Where Duo was interested in art, Trowa was interested in the sciences and mechanics. They both loved animals, but where Trowa wanted to be a vet, Duo didn’t think he could ever handle having to put a patient down.   
    They were all so different, yet they got along so well, it was the same with Solo and the gang. They had similar experiences, but not exactly the same and their personalities were vastly different, yet, in the wide world of prostitutes that seemed destined to hate each other out of bitterness, they had found each other and clicked with ease. Duo supposed that the circumstances that had led him to meeting Shi that second time had helped them to integrate him into their gang, but he didn’t know why they had banded together to begin with. Come to think of it… he had never really asked. There was so much he had never found out about all of them. They had all been too busy trying to survive, physically and mentally, to talk about their dark pasts. Or was that just an excuse? Didn’t friends tell each other those things? Maybe… he hadn’t really wanted to know because he had known they would only have painful things to tell him.   
*****  
    Fai had decided a very long time ago that he would never be any sort of architect, though it was the family trade, mostly the manual bit. There were many differences between his house in China and Wufei’s American home, but Fai couldn’t really name most of them, it was just a feeling, something that his father would have scolded him about. To Fai, it was a house, a nice house at that, so the differences didn’t really matter. The house was clean and functional, which, to him, was all that really mattered. It made him almost chuckle as he and Wufei brought up his luggage to the guest room. He and his boyfriend were like in that aspect. As long as something worked, there was little need to analyze it and worry over it, they were both very logical in that aspect, and if something was wrong, it had to be checked over until it was right again.  
    Wufei’s parents had obviously brought a lot of things with them from China, so the house was probably not as Westernized as his friends’ houses, Fai realized. They had many plants and the table in the living room was low, black lacquered, and several rooms had old, beautiful rugs that Fai remembered from the old house, but there were many things that were different, too. The one thing he noticed before anything else were the high chairs and tables that had obviously come with the house. The walls were a soothing cream color, very unlike the dramatic reds and greens most of their villages’ homes were done in. The floors were not completely covered, and as they walked the hallway to the guest room, Fai yearned for the mats his own home was covered in, the cold wood feeling odd on his feet.   
The guest room was, thankfully, completely covered by an old, hand-woven red, green, and blue rug, but the bed gave him pause.     Everything seemed different in here, the closet’s shape, the windows, even the light fixtures, but the bed was the most obvious. He had heard of a few families that had Westernized themselves with high beds, but his family had stuck with the futon as their house was small and the futons were often used as ‘couches’ and chairs, as well as beds. It made him nervous, wondering why Westerners would like sleeping so high off the ground. Didn’t they worry about falling off?  
Wufei smirked a little as he watched his lover eye the room like a little kid seeing a dog for the first time, wanting to pet it, but afraid it would end up biting him.  
    “It took me a month to get used to the beds here,” Wufei told him, “I always thought that Americans had bars around the bed, so they wouldn’t fall out in their sleep, and the people we knew that had beds like this had just put it together wrong. It wasn’t until we came here that my mother told me only hospitals have things like that. I haven’t fallen off, yet, though. If you’re that uncomfortable with it, I can get out one of our futons.”  
    Fai shook his head; making free bits of hair frame his thin face. The flight had been long and he had ended up dozing off in his seat, but he had been nervous and had tossed and turned, turning his hair into a mess. He had tried to fix it as best he could, but in the small space, he had done a poor job of it and his ponytail was still a mess. Wufei thought that the wisps of ebony hair were beautiful and he wanted to kiss Fai again, but this time he fought against it. He had something he needed to do first, even if it was hard, even if it made Fai never want to talk to him again. The risk of that was enough to make him hesitate, but he knew this was something he had to do. He didn’t want to have half a relationship.   
    “I’ll try the bed,” Fai said. If Wufei was going to sleep in a bed, he should try it, too. They put all his things away quickly and Fai tried sitting on the bed, frowning as he realized it was comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time and he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. The only logical application of this bed that he could think of was if there was a flood, it would take longer for you to get wet, but if there was an earthquake, you had longer and further to fall. He winced. He knew that California had earthquakes, but did New England?  
    Wufei took a deep breath as he sat next to Fai. This was the last thing that he wanted to do, but he knew it was right. What had Duo said? Something about the poisoning nature of lies, hidden or known. He knew that Duo was right and he never wanted to fail Fai ever again. Fai felt the warmth of his lover’s arm near his and put his hand over Wufei’s, frowning when the slightly taller boy pulled his hand away. He had been so receptive in the car, so why was he so hesitant now that they were alone?  
    “’Fei?” he murmured in confusion. Wufei blushed, embarrassed by what he was about to confess.  
    “I need to say something,” Wufei informed him, “Please… don’t interrupt me, no matter what I say.”  
    At the horrified look on his lover’s face, Wufei immediately backtracked.  
    “I’m not breaking up with you!” he assured him, “What I have to say… it’s my fault, not yours. If you want to break up with me… I won’t be happy, I’ll certainly be miserable, but I’ll understand. I don’t want to lie to you or keep things from you, not ever. We have a good, healthy relationship and I want to keep that.”  
    “Just tell me,” Fai begged, noticing that his usually very eloquent boyfriend was rambling a little. Wufei took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.  
    “I kissed someone,” he blurted out.  
    Fai stared at him, unable to connect the words that had come out of his boyfriend with the actual person.  
    “You… what?” he whispered. His pain, sharp and echoing in his chest, matched with Wufei’s.  
    “I kissed someone… Duo… I kissed Duo,” Wufei was hesitant to use Duo’s name, feeling that he was causing trouble for the American, but he had already decided to tell his boyfriend the entire truth. Fai’s fingers dug into the sheets and he looked at the floor, blinking away the tears collecting in his amber eyes.  
    “Why?” he demanded, “I know you still love me… so why would you do such a thing?” Fai wanted to hate the violet-eyed boy for this instead of his boyfriend, but he wasn’t that kind of person. Duo hadn’t looked like the sort who would do that, and Wufei had said “I”, not “Duo”.  
    Besides, he was pissed at Wufei. He had traveled all this way to find that his boyfriend had done this… he tried to tell himself it was just a kiss, but even if it was more than that, it hurt the same. His family didn’t respect him, he had no friends, Wufei was all he had, the best that he had. He wanted to trust him.   
    “It was just a kiss, one kiss, it never went beyond that! Duo hadn’t known I had a boyfriend and even then, he wasn’t interested in me,” Wufei tried to soothe Fai’s hurt feelings, but his words sounded like hollow excuses, even to him.  
    “When I told him about you, he was furious. So, it wasn’t Duo’s fault. I guess… beyond anything else, I was lonely. I know that sounds stupid, but it is true. I know it was dangerous for me to stay in China, but I hadn’t wanted to leave. I hadn’t wanted to leave you. When I came here, I was so angry. I was so sure I had lost you. Your father would never allow me to even contact you. I felt completely alone. I hated everything about this place, I hated my parents for bringing me here, and I hated myself for getting caught to begin with. Then I met Duo. I thought… he looked like you, acted like you, with him… I could have what I had with you. I think… deep down, I knew it was useless, I was hunting down ghosts. In the end, it didn’t matter. I kissed him and he refused me, over and over. It finally came to me, he couldn’t be you. Duo could never be you.”  
    Wufei’s voice was mournful and full of regret, but his remorse did nothing to ease Fai’s anger at his boyfriend’s actions. He shoved him almost completely off the bed and stood, striding towards the door and then stopped in the middle to turn back towards the bed and glare at Wufei. His anger hurt the other boy, but Wufei couldn’t help but think that the fire in Fai’s eyes was sexy and beautiful.  
    “How could you do this?!” he demanded, not screaming, his voice more like ice and Wufei almost shivered at it.  
    “I’m sorry!” he apologized, wanting to hug Fai, but didn’t dare touch him unless he was given permission, “I’m sorry I kissed him-,”  
    “I’m not mad about that!” Fai snapped, “This isn’t you!”  
    Wufei stared at him in shock.  
    “This isn’t the Chang Wufei I fell in love with!” Fai ranted, “The Wufei I know would never let himself be defeated so easily! He would have fought and fought, never giving up until the day he died! When you found out you were gay, you could have given up then. You could have married into the Long family like your clan wanted you to. Instead, you defied them and we found each other. It was tough and painful, but we made this relationship work, through hard work and sacrifice. Now, you tell me that the second you come here, you lost hope in us, you gave up, without even trying!” Fai had been so proud of his English, he had resolved to make Wufei proud of him, too, by speaking it the entire week he was here, but as he yelled, his clipped English melted into accented, smooth Mandarin, which grew thick as he started to cry.  
    Wufei practically ran to him, permission be damned, and hugged his lover tightly, feeling relieved when he relaxed into his embrace rather than pushing him away.  
    “I’m sorry, you’re right,” he murmured, “I should have found a way to see you again. I was weak… so very weak and I did you a grave injustice. I’ll never be able to make this up to you, I know that, but I promise, I’ll be stronger…”  
    Fai sniffed, hating himself for crying, but he was tired and felt overwhelmed from being in a different country and having Wufei hurt him for the first time in their relationship. But weren’t ups and downs like this normal in any relationship? Even if it wasn’t, he knew what he wanted.   
    “I don’t want to break up with you. I’m angry, and sad, but like you said,” Fai said in English, “You knew you were wrong and weak, and corrected yourself. If I punish you for something you’ve already tried to fix, it wouldn’t just be pointless, I’d be punishing myself too. I’m not saying I forgive you for giving up on this relationship, but I don’t want this to become something huge between us. My time here is far too short for that.”  
    “Thank you,” Wufei said as he let go of his boyfriend. Fai snorted.  
    “Don’t thank me. I’m just too much of a coward to be alone and, even though I’m angry because I never gave up, I guess I can understand.”  
    “How many times do I have to tell you, your parents are wrong,” Wufei scolded, “You’re not stupid and you’re certainly not a coward. Look at how easily I gave into my loneliness, but all this time, you were fighting. That’s why I love you, even when things go bad, you’re so optimistic. It makes me believe in you, and all things you are so hopeful about.”  
    Fai smiled at him.  
    “Come on,” Wufei urged, putting an arm around Fai’s slim shoulders, feeling his amazed joy come back to him when his boyfriend didn’t shrug him off, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I promised I’d give you a tour of the house.”  
    Fai let him lead him out of the room, not wanting to think about bad things anymore, either. He had meant what he had said. This week was too short for him to be angry with Wufei forever. He accepted that Wufei had done something wrong and hurtful, and it would take him a while to forgive him for it, but he still loved him, with all of his heart, and he wanted to feel that love for as long as he could because he knew, as soon as he returned to his family, all he would feel was sadness, anger…and regret.  
*****  
    By the time Fai went to sleep that night, he was so tired; he didn’t even worry about the bed. It was nice meeting Wufei’s parents again. Chang Zhi and Lian had always been kind to him and Fai wondered if they had always known about his and Wufei’s relationship. To his relief, both dinner and breakfast were foods that he easily recognized, though Zhi confessed he wanted Wufei to pick up pizza for dinner, since both he and his wife would not be home in time for dinner. Fai had responded that it was fine, he liked trying new things. Now that he was here and well rested, he was ready to try to be more flexible in this new and strange country.   
    Wufei’s mother had already asked Mr. Khushrenada about Fai looking in on Wufei’s classes and he had agreed, so Fai caught a ride with Wufei’s friends, too. Fai was happy to see the other boys again. He and Wufei hadn’t had many friends back home, so it was interesting to see Wufei interact with the four boys. He was nervous about seeing Duo, though. He remembered how nice Duo had been to him the day before, and he wasn’t really angry at the teenager, but it was strange, knowing that his boyfriend was friends with the boy he had kissed.   
    Fortunately, though he had ended up sitting next to Duo, the long haired boy had slept through the car ride, his head against the window. Fai studied him for a moment and realized that he wasn’t really angry at all, Duo looked too vulnerable and innocent curled up and asleep for him to dredge up any ill will towards him. He looked so young, like a little kid instead of a teenager, he just felt mad that Wufei had gone after him for such a superficial reason. He wondered if Wufei’s actions had hurt Duo in their falseness. Maybe, if Wufei had confessed to truly loving Duo, Fai would have been able to accept it better, but chasing after someone, claiming that you loved them when you where just using them as a replacement was so cold. He should be siding with his boyfriend, he realized, but in this case, he couldn’t do something like that.  
    “He’s been… sick lately,” Quatre tried to explain as he caught Fai looking at Duo, sitting like he had yesterday, on Trowa’s lap next to Heero, “He sleeps a lot now.”  
    “Shouldn’t he go to the doctor?” Fai asked worriedly. He couldn’t imagine being tired enough to fall asleep during a short car ride. He had only managed to fall asleep in the plane because he hadn’t felt it moving while it flew. Wufei had said that he and Duo looked alike. Did he look like that when he slept, too? He hoped he didn’t, he didn’t like the thought that he could look so… vulnerable.  
    “Well, yes, he should,” Quatre said bitterly, “But he’s too stubborn to ever ask for help when he needs it. Duo’s the sort of person who would rather suffer and be miserable than ever admit that he’s hurting.”  
    Fai noticed how Heero’s shoulders seemed to flinch at Quatre’s words, but couldn’t figure out why, so he ignored it. He shouldn’t really be shocked at Duo’s behavior, Fai realized. Wufei was the same way, or at least his actions were. Even if he was sad or in pain, Wufei seldom ever admitted it because he was too proud and believed that admitting weakness was an insult to his character. Fai didn’t think that Duo was like that, he certainly hadn’t acted arrogant towards him yesterday, it seemed like he was more unwilling to bother anyone or rely on other people to solve his problems for him.   
    The longhaired foreigner had heard of people with so-called ‘internal clocks’, who didn’t seem to need to be told the time, they just knew it instinctively, or if not the specific time, an increment of time. His own mother had it, whenever she cooked, she never needed to set a timer or look at a clock, she just knew when the food was ready. Duo must’ve had the same thing, Fai mused, because he woke only a few minutes before Heero parked the car at school.   
    He felt a spark of bitterness towards the American as he stretched in the car. He didn’t hate him, he didn’t, he kept on telling himself, but the chestnut haired boy certainly was attractive and though Wufei had said that Duo reminded him of Fai, he couldn’t help but feel a little self-conscious. He was far out of his element here and he desperately wanted something to ground him. Duo suddenly felt Fai staring at him and smiled back at him before getting out of the car. Fai blinked at him with wide eyes, feeling disarmed just as suddenly as he had felt defensive. It was clear to him, then, how Wufei had been able to make friends with the same boy he had embarrassed himself with.   
    Usually, Wufei was like a cat that had fallen off a coffee table, whenever he shamed himself, he acted like nothing had happened and he was just as infallible as always, distancing himself from anything that reminded him of his weakness, but this time, he had gotten closer instead of running away. Maybe it was because Duo didn’t act like he wanted Wufei to feel ashamed, or just because he acted so… well, inoffensive, but Fai was hard-pressed to feel threatened by Duo’s personality. Others would have thrown Wufei’s infidelity in his face, Fai was sure, but Duo hadn’t even brought it up or seemed to be hiding anything at all. Even though Duo’s western good-looks made him question himself, it wasn’t like Duo was deliberately bringing it to his attention.   
    Fai followed Wufei into the school like an obedient child, which was exactly what he felt like. He had no idea what to do and felt like a complete alien. He was exactly that, but he just knew that Wufei hadn’t had this much trouble when he had come here. It wasn’t in his boyfriend’s nature to be anything but strong and to strive towards the illusion of perfection. Fortunately, Wufei’s friends continued to include him in their conversations and, little by little, he realized that their presence made him feel less awkward. Duo even took up Wufei’s job in showing Fai around, giving him little tidbits here and there about certain rooms and how to find his way around the school if they ever got separated. When Duo was being so nice to him, Fai couldn’t help but smile back at him, feeling a bit surer of himself. After all, Wufei had chosen him in the long run, and even if he made a fool of himself, he was suddenly sure that the four boys would help him out.   
    To Fai’s relief, Wufei shared a ton of classes with Quatre and Duo. It was strange to realize it, but Fai felt more at ease around the two boys who were around his height. Having to look up whenever Trowa and Heero spoke was daunting and the American’s and Arab’s personalities were very comforting. Duo certainly wasn’t the typical selfish, egotistical, rude American that his parents had warned him about. He loved Wufei more than anyone else in the world, even his family, but his boyfriend could be dense to his insecurities sometimes. Yet, Duo seemed to always pick up on them and Fai couldn’t understand why. The braided boy seemed so competent; he couldn’t understand why he would ever be insecure about anything.   
    He was even more relieved when the first of Wufei’s teachers, a tall, beautiful woman with dark brown hair, didn’t bother to introduce him. Back home, that would have been rude, but he could tell that she had sensed his shyness and he was grateful. He would rather just melt into the crowd. She was a good teacher, vibrant and well-spoken on her subject, but Fai could tell that the material was lacking, yet several students seemed to be struggling along anyway. He had heard stereotypes about Americans being lazy, but he had thought that their schools would be just like in China. His faith in Americans was rejuvenated when he glanced over at Duo, who was sitting close to him and his other friends, seemed to be just as bored as he was.   
    Fai quickly noticed that he wasn’t the only one who kept glancing over at Duo during the lesson. In the next row over, sitting a few seats behind Duo was a very tall, severe looking boy with long hair that kept looking over at Duo with an intense glare. This confused him, since he couldn’t find a single reason why anyone would be angry with Duo, who seemed so nice. Duo didn’t seem to notice the boy’s looks at all, concentrating on taking notes. Fai wasn’t even sure why Duo was bothering with the notes, he didn’t seem to have any trouble with the subject, yet he was diligent in making sure he got everything down that was written on the board, almost as though he was frantic to keep a record of what was being discussed. Fai wondered if Duo had a friend that was sick or if the homework would be so hard, he was afraid he would forget something.   
    Classes went by at a snail’s pace and Fai quickly realized that American school was very different than what he was used to. The teachers were more laid back and the subject matter was more watered down, even the History lessons. He had thought that he would welcome a more relaxed education, but even though he was only sitting in on the classes for one day, he found that he was immensely bored. The only class he found remotely useful was English, but not by much. Gym was far too… barbaric for his tastes. He had never been terribly athletic, but the way the other boys tried to dominate each other with such a thirst for victory robbed any enjoyment he felt over exercise. His only saving grace was how clear it was that Quatre and Duo seemed to hate it, too.   
    The only class that Wufei had by himself was, ironically, also the only class that Fai had been banned from sitting in on because they were taking a test and the teacher had been paranoid about Fai helping Wufei to cheat. Normally, Fai would have been irritated with the remark, demanding that he was not so dishonorable, but this time he just nodded and informed Wufei he would be in the parking lot since it was the last class of the day. He was glad for the break anyway. He felt so bored with this whole process, how could his lover stand it? If all school was like this, he certainly didn’t feel prepared for college, or to get a job.   
    Fai wandered out into the parking lot and leaned against the brick wall of the school. It was a perfect day out, the sun shining brightly in the powder-blue sky, a light breeze eliminating any severe heat; he could even hear some sparrows singing as they flew overhead. He couldn’t wait for Wufei to be done with his school day. He wanted to go out and see the landmarks in the town, maybe see what restaurants were available for tomorrow. He hadn’t made lunch for himself, wanting to buy from the school cafeteria to see what American food was like and had been severely disappointed. Both Wufei and Duo had advised him that it wasn’t a good idea, but he had tried it anyway.   
    Having heard about American burgers and fries, he had decided to stick with that and had ended up getting something so greasy and unpalatable; he had nearly made himself sick. Wufei had explained to him that even he couldn’t stand the cafeteria food and it wasn’t really like restaurant food, so cheap that even Americans had to choke it down. Fortunately, he had thought ahead and had made an extra salad for him, which had tasted much better. This whole trip, thus far, had not turned out how he had expected, yet he found himself enjoying it anyway.   
    The door to the parking lot suddenly flung open a group of students rushed out, chatting and laughing loudly. Fai frowned. There should still be thirty minutes left to school, so why were so many students rushing out? Suddenly, he spotted Duo, who walked over to him with a warm smile.   
    “Out here all alone?” Duo asked him and, for the first time, Fai took a proper look at the other boy, took a good long look in his eyes. Fai was sure that, even here in the west, very few people had that eye color. But it was the look, deep down in it that held his attention, something… off. Like seeing a nine year old in a business suit. In that young face, such a mature look didn’t belong. It seemed so worn down, and it made Fai almost shiver. He gave Duo a small nod, feeling an itch start to build up in between his shoulders as he realized that he really was alone out here with just him and Duo.   
    “Why are you out so early?” he asked. Duo shrugged.  
    “Someone in the one of the labs blew something up. There’s smoke in that one hallway, so they dismissed my class to air out the rooms. Fortunately, it’s just a lot of smoke, no fire,” he explained.     Fai marveled at the way Duo spoke, slow and careful, like he and Wufei, like he was actually concentrating on how he was speaking. It was weird, considering that Duo had been born here. He remembered Duo telling him something about learning English at the airport, but he hadn’t elaborated on it and it just served to flare up Fai’s curiosity. He suddenly realized that he didn’t really know very much at all about Wufei’s American friend.  
    “That sort of thing happen a lot?” he asked, wanting to keep up the small talk, stalling so he could think about his next course of action.   
    “Not a ton,” Duo told him, “This isn’t a private school, so the equipment’s ancient, but Mr. Khushrenada sees to it that all the safety precautions are followed, even if it costs a little bit extra. Someone just put in the wrong chemical this time. Mr. K’s a good man,” he said wistfully, sounding far away in his thoughts. Fai looked over at him and quickly made his decision. If he was going to say this, he had to do it before the other classes were dismissed.  
    “Wufei told me about what happened between the two of you,” Fai winced at his own wording, realizing he was making it sound like the two boys had really had an affair, “I mean, what happened when the two of you first met, before you became friends.”  
    This time, it was Duo who winced, but he didn’t deny anything or try to walk away. Fai’s respect for the other boy went up a few more notches. He knew that if someone had tried to say these things to him, he would be itching to get away from the conversation. Duo rubbed at the back of his neck.  
    “He told you… everything?” he ventured cautiously. He had told Wufei that he should just tell Fai everything, but it looked like that wonderful little piece of advice was going to blow up in his face. Still, he had meant what he had said about telling the truth. In reality, telling Heero and Name the truth had been the best thing for him and he was sure that the same principle existed for every relationship. Besides, he didn’t want to be that guy, the one that had to hide this secret from his friend’s boyfriend and feel like he had done something wrong when, for once, he really hadn’t.   
    But none of that meant he wanted to tell Fai the truth himself. This was Wufei’s lover and it would look immensely bad if he told Fai about the kiss when Wufei hadn’t yet. It would be better if Wufei was the one who did it anyway because Duo had been so sick at the time, he still didn’t remember all that had happened, just that he had been in pain and miserable and Wufei had kissed him. After that, he had blacked out. He assumed that Wufei had taken him to the nurse’s office right away since he knew the boy well enough now to know he, usually, did the right thing, the honorable thing.   
    “Yes, he told me about the kiss,” Fai said, reading Duo’s look easily. Duo felt his hair stand on end and wondered if this boy, who he had hoped would become another on his short list of friends, was challenging him or something. He couldn’t think of a reason why Fai would bring this up unless he wanted to… fight him or something.   
    “Look,” he said slowly, defensively, “I know this is going to sound like an excuse, but I don’t know exactly what Wufei said and you need to know, I had no idea Wufei had a boyfriend until yesterday. If I had known he was already taken-,”  
    “You would have reacted in exactly the same way,” Fai said with a soft smile. Duo stared at him in confusion.  
    “How else would you have reacted? You rejected him every time he made a move, even before you knew about me, so what else would you have done?” Fai pointed out.  
    “I would have slapped him for going after me when he had a dedicated lover already,” Duo grumbled, “I understand why he did it, but… I just can’t imagine him doing something that stupid.”  
    Fai smirked at that.  
    “Well, I’m not forgiving him any time soon, but I understand also. I was very lonely, too,” he murmured.  
    “But that’s just my point!” Duo protested, “I mean, you two love each other and you were both in the same situation! I would have done anything to see the one I loved again! I guess, since I’ve never been in a relationship, I see it as something… sacred. I don’t think I would have ever forgiven him, even slightly!”  
    Fai smiled sadly.  
    “When you fall in love, you find that you do a lot of things you had once thought you never would. I find it hard to believe you’ve never dated… you’re so…” he struggled with his words, “Well, one day you’ll understand it. I do cherish what I have with Wufei and I know he does, too. I’m sure he won’t do something like this again, even if the doubt that he would terrifies me. But, can I ask you something personal?”  
    “Sure,” Duo said, blushing as he thought over Fai’s words. Was it really so shocking that he had never dated anyone before? Hell, he doubted he ever would date anyone. Just the thought of going after anyone, knowing that he loved Heero like he did… there was just no getting over that love, so how could he possibly date anyone else? That thought depressed him deeply, especially with the proof of a loving relationship standing right next to him.  
    “Why did you turn him down?” Fai asked, “Maybe I’m biased, but Wufei is attractive and smart. Were you so turned off by his stubbornness, or is there another reason? Are you not gay, because Wufei never said that.”  
    Duo bit back a laugh. He remembered that he and Heero had had a conversation like this… oh, so long ago. What had he told him? He couldn’t remember, it was too long ago, but he did remember telling Heero that his sexuality wasn’t the issue and that was still the case. He still wasn’t so sure if he was really gay or not. It was hard to pinpoint a preference when you had only ever loved one person.   
    “I’m not exactly sure what my preference is,” Duo admitted, “I’ve never liked any girls, but I’m not positive I’m gay, either. I’m just not attracted to Wufei at all, and forcing himself on me the way he did didn’t endear him to me any. He’s a good friend, and I’m sure he’s a great boyfriend, but I don’t feel anything when I look at him.”  
    Fai caught the way Duo blushed and how his eyes got this contemplative far off look, like he was comparing what he felt for Wufei to something else… it clicked in Fai’s mind like two pieces of a puzzle. Duo had said he didn’t feel anything for girls, but he hadn’t said that about boys, which meant that there was a boy he knew he was attracted to. His smile turned softer, seeing an ally in manners of love standing right in front of him.  
    “You’re smitten, aren’t you?” he said, almost teasingly. Duo stared at him with wide eyes.  
    “Oh, god is it that obvious?” he demanded.  
    “A little,” Fai admitted, “It’s just, when you talk about being in a relationship, you look so distracted. That’s usually a sign that someone is thinking about something they want, something that is distracting. I won’t insult you by asking who it is, it isn’t my place, but I can see why you turned down Wufei so readily, without so much as a consideration. I’m grateful to you, even though you didn’t know he had a boyfriend.”  
    Duo, still embarrassed at how easily Fai had realized that he was in love with someone, and immensely worried that if Fai and Trowa had figured it out, his other friends might figure it out, too, simply shrugged. The two of them lapsed into a friendly silence, feeling a little more relieved that there was no animosity between them. Duo’s thoughts whirled, going over everything ever since he had met Heero, looking for moments where his affection for the other boy might have been obvious, but he couldn’t find anything. So how was it that someone that had only known him for two days had pinpointed it so easily?  
    The only thing that gave him any solace was that Fai didn’t know it was Heero. It was fine if his friends knew there was someone he liked, but he thought he would die of shame if they knew it was Heero. He was still shocked that Trowa had accepted his feelings for their friend so readily, but how would Quatre, Wufei, or Heero himself, react to the news? It made him feel literally sick to his stomach just thinking about it, his insides clenching and quivering violently.   
    Duo nearly jumped at the sound of the bell announcing that classes were over. Fai looked at him in concern, wondering if Duo was always so tense that loud noises scared him. Once again, he felt a strong curiosity towards his new friend, wondering how he had become friends with THE Heero Yuy. He knew it was rude to want to know so much about another’s personal life, so he would never ask, but he still burned to know those things.   
    “You won’t tell the others, even Wufei, about… what you figured out, will you?” Duo asked nervously.  
    “It’s not my place,” Fai assured him, “My culture teaches that such grave perusals into another’s personal life, let alone spreading such information to others, is very rude and disrespectful.”  
    Duo smiled at him.  
    “It must be nice. In this country, your business is everyone’s business. The press here are all about ‘it’s the public’s right to know’, but really, I’ve never understood that. Unless it relates to everyone personally, like a health hazard, they don’t have that right,” he said, his voice tight with irritation, “Every time I turn on the news or see one of those tabloid magazines, it bothers me. Those magazines even have stories about my friendship with Heero. I’ve read a few of them and some of the things they say… it must be nice to be from a place where something like that would be frowned upon instead of clamored after like a prime piece of meat.”  
    Fai chuckled.  
    “Well, it’s not all good, but I see your point. It must be hard being friends with someone so famous,” he mused.  
    “Not really,” Duo admitted, “Heero’s mom is all about privacy and she tries really hard to make sure I don’t get abused just because I’m his friend. When I first went over his house, I was absolutely terrified of her! But now… she’s wonderful. She’s the best mother I could ever hope for.”  
    Fai frowned at that strange remark.   
    “Well, I would like to meet her. In any case, I would never share personal information of yours to anyone. Even if it weren’t a part of my culture, it would only hurt you and I don’t want to do that,” he said.   
    “Wufei really is lucky to have you,” Duo mused, “Not only are you beautiful and smart but you’re kind, too.”  
    Fai blushed darkly and opened his mouth to protest. Him, pretty and smart? He just couldn’t see himself that way, what with how his parents talked to him like he was an idiot, an unwanted rat in the room, and how, year after year, girls turned down his parents’ attempts at having him wed because he wasn’t very masculine, because he was too short, his figure not suitable for a strong, father role. To hear Duo of all people say that he was pretty was beyond odd.   
    “He’s right you know,” a very familiar voice chimed in from behind Duo before Fai could say anything. Duo had heard Wufei walk up behind him, so he didn’t jump this time, but hated it when someone was behind him, where he couldn’t see them, so he turned to greet him.  
    “Maybe you should tell him that more often,” he scolded. Wufei looked at him with a shocked expression.  
    “If he’s so surprised at being complimented, you obviously aren’t doing your job as his boyfriend!” Duo continued to rant.     Wufei’s look softened and he stared at Fai, his eyes only for him.  
    “Of course, you’re right,” he murmured. Duo watched with a pained expression as Wufei, his expression filled with love, walked up to Fai and cupped his cheek.  
    “You are beautiful,” he told him, his voice husky with affection. Duo hastily looked away, not wanting to intrude.   
    Pain ripped through his heart at Wufei’s words, words that he knew he would never hear, especially not from who he wanted, their voice filled with such… longing, such deep, unfaltering love. He would never have something like that, and, even if he didn’t quite understand it, he wanted it. As he heard people walk up to them, he forced his face back into neutrality, though it was hard. Trowa, with Quatre and Heero trailing behind him, gave Duo a studying look, but didn’t say anything and Duo wondered if he suspected anything.  
    “Ready to go?” the tall Italian asked.  
    “Yeah,” Wufei said, dropping his hand down to hold Fai’s, “I wanted to take Fai to the public library, if that’s ok with you, Heero?”  
    Duo’s eyes widened.  
    “Shit!” he suddenly yelled, making all of them flinch. If Trowa hadn’t been standing right next to Duo, Heero would have rushed over to him and demanded what was wrong.  
    “I forgot my book!” he said in a panic.  
    “What book?” Trowa asked soothingly, trying to calm Duo down. When it came to anxiety, Duo went off so easily, bordering on hyperactive. If he wasn’t usually so anxious about serious things, it would be funny, but it was often just alarming.  
    “The book we have to check out of the school library today for History! I completely forgot! If I don’t get it today, I’m never going to have the time to work on that project!” Duo was nearly vibrating with nervous energy at this point and Trowa rolled his eyes.  
    “I swear, you’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached,” he admonished gently, making Quatre giggle, “We’ll go back with you, then.”  
    Wufei smirked.  
    “Duo forgets things all the time,” he whispered to Fai, who looked surprised.  
    “Really? He doesn’t look like he would be the type to be so absent minded,” he murmured.  
    “I know, but Duo’s the most forgetful person I know,” Wufei said, thinking back to their trip into Boston and how Duo had gotten lost in the hotel because he had forgotten their room number. He could no longer count the number of times he had witnessed Duo forgetting one of his school books or the due date of some paper. He sometimes even forgot what time it was a couple minutes after looking at a clock. It was unnerving considering that Duo was usually so responsible.   
    If Duo heard any of this, he gave no indication, running back into the school with Quatre, Trowa, and Heero chasing after him.  
    “We’ll be right back!” Quatre called with a cheery smile.   
    Wufei snorted as his friends disappeared into the school. You would think that after what had happened in Boston, Quatre would have stopped trying to set his friends up in romantic situations, he mused, but then again, Quatre was like the morning sun and ‘hope springs eternal’. He certainly wasn’t as blind as Heero and Duo were, there was no other reason why all of them had to escort Duo to the school library unless Quatre was trying to give him and Fai some ‘alone time’. He didn’t know if he was irritated by it or glad.   
    “They’re not very subtle, are they?” Fai said in amusement.  
    “Well, at least Quatre isn’t,” Wufei smirked, “Duo’s been bullied a lot in the past, so I can see why Trowa went with him, it’s just a good idea to be in a group right now and not leave Duo alone, and Heero’s overprotective on a good day.”  
“Why would anyone want to bully Duo?” Fai asked in surprise. Duo was so nice, down to earth and patient; he didn’t see how he could possibly rub someone the wrong way.  
    “He’s different. That’s enough of a reason,” Wufei said bitterly.   
    Fai found that he didn’t really have anything to say to that. Duo was certainly different, in a way, he thought, that he and Wufei, and all of Wufei’s friends were different. He could see it in the way their classmates looked at them, in the way that none of them, in their own way, fit in. Even if America was strange to him, he knew, back home, Wufei and he were different, too. It was just one of those universal concepts. So, being poor and not really intimidating at all, Fai understood what it was like to be picked on because you set people on edge by being unpredictable and confusing, and also incapable of defending yourself.   
    Fai’s heart sped up as his lover stood in front of him, brushing his knuckles over his cheek and he had to fight to keep his eyes from closing in bliss. He tried to remind himself that he was still angry at him, but with Wufei so close to him, his fingers on his skin, it was impossible.  
    “I meant what I said,” Wufei murmured, “You are beautiful and smart, no matter what anyone says. I guess I really don’t tell you that as much as I should.”  
    Fai realized that his boyfriend was leaning closer to try to kiss him and hesitated.  
    “’Fei, not here,” he protested.   
    “Its fine,” Wufei insisted, “Almost everyone has gone home. No one will see us.”  
    “You should listen to your boyfriend more, Chang Wufei,” a feminine voice said in a strict tone. Wufei whirled around, irritated at being spied on, but his anger quickly turned to shock. Watching the two of them with the studious look of an eagle was a girl of Chinese descent, about his size but older, her eyes jet black instead of his dark brown, or Fai’s amber. She was a girl he had not seen in the better part of four years.  
    “M-Meiran!” he stuttered. Fai looked just as shocked as he did. He had met Long Meiran a few times, but enough that her presence here was shocking. Just looking at her now had Wufei thinking he had been thrown into the past and he was just a silly, twelve-year old boy again. However, though four years had not changed his older cousin by much, she was not the same. Gone were the formal, rich dresses their family had made her wear and gone were the pigtails of a young teenaged girl. In their place was a much more mature free fall of night-black hair that suited her much better, though she hadn’t grown much in height.   
    “Long,” Fai whispered, bowing deeply towards her. Meiran smiled kindly at him.  
    “It’s Ms. Long, Fai, and there is no need to bow. I am no longer in a station for such things,” Meiran’s eyes, always piercing as a child and now that she was an adult even more so, fell on Wufei.  
    “It’s been a long time, Wufei,” she said.  
    “It’s been four years, cousin,” he clarified, “What are you doing in America. The last I heard, you were still living with your husband in China.”  
    In a round about way, it was because of Meiran that his parents had been so worried about his own safety once his sexuality had come out. The Long clan and the Chang clan had been of the same status, so, when Wufei had been born, the head of the Chang family had made a deal with the Long head to marry Wufei to Meiran when he was old enough. This marriage had been a big deal in both clans and, as children, though they had been four years apart, Wufei and Meiran had become close friends and had played with each other often. But, in the entire time they had known each other; neither of them had ever been attracted to each other.   
    They had always been completely different, and not like how he was different from Fai. He and Meiran, while remaining good friends, had often fought, violently. They were both too stubborn and Meiran, though she had never wanted to disappoint her family, had always been an individual, never capable of settling down into the role of a ‘female’ like her parents wanted her to. If he really though about it, even back then, Wufei had never had any interest in the opposite sex. He had spent more time playing with boys than ever even considering his role as a potential husband, or that women were anything but simple members of a family unit.   
    Now, Wufei realized that it had been fairly obvious, even at twelve, where his interests would end up lying when he was older. At that age, Meiran had called off their engagement, saying that he would never be a suitable husband or leader of their clan and had been married off to his cousin. When his sexuality had finally come to light, Wufei, along with the leader of his clan, had realized that Meiran had attempted to give him a way out, trying to pass off the leadership to his cousin, though she had only ended up shaming herself by doing so. He couldn’t help but feel guilty about all the damage he had caused, but he still couldn’t see himself marrying his now cousin and becoming leader of his entire family.  
    “I am no longer married to your cousin anymore, so there is no need for you to call me that,” Meiran informed him, “Or, at least, I do not consider myself to be married to him. You know that the Long clan does not recognize divorces, though I did have it approved officially, I know my father did not accept it. I only married your cousin to keep the heat off you, but once you became old enough to realize things on your own, and since father had no intention of recognizing my husband as the heir to the Chang legacy, there was no point in continuing the charade. I suppose I am a coward in this way, but I never desired to be married off like a pretty piece of antique jewelry and I knew neither of our clans would ever allow me to do as I wished, so I came here.”  
    Wufei stared at her with wide eyes, taking in everything she was saying. Even though she confessed to not being related to him anymore, he still felt like she was family. For so long, she had been his only friend and he had relied on her so deeply. When she had left him to become a wife, he had become depressed and had thought he would never find another worthy friend. Deep down, he had always known she was just not suited to being tied down by motherhood and marriage and was glad she had managed to find a way to be true to herself. It would have been an injustice, a betrayal, for a spirit like Meiran’s to be broken because their families could not accept her as an individual.  
    “It must have been hard for you,” Fai said sympathetically, “It took me so long to find a way to come here and I’m just visiting.”  
    “A recently single, Chinese teenager with no family and no work-related skills coming to this foreign country?” she said with a bitter chuckle, “Yes, I suppose you could say it was difficult for me. I was increasingly lucky that my request to become an American was not denied because I had no family here and had little money. It was also pure luck that I managed to find myself here. Mr. Khushrenada was very kind to my situation and I will always be grateful that he found a job for me. If not, I would be living on the streets, or worse.”  
    Wufei shuddered, remembering Duo’s account of what had happened to him, what living on the streets had been like, and what ‘worse’ had turned out to be. It was hard enough accepting it for Duo, let alone Meiran.  
    “Then, you’re a teacher, or a secretary?” he asked.  
    “A cookery teacher. It turns out that, at least in that field, I am capable. Maybe, in a few years, I can go on to a Boston college. I hear that some colleges there have classes on Mandarin that I could teach. I guess that’s why you didn’t realize that I was here, you always were terrible at domestic affairs,” Meiran said with a smirk, making Wufei blush, “I’m glad to see that you’ve found happiness here, too.”  
    Wufei glanced at Fai.  
    “Well, I would be happier if Fai could stay, but he’s only here for a week,” he told her. Meiran frowned at them.  
    “The two of you should be more careful. I know that it seems like America is a much more liberal place than home, and it is, but not as much as you think. It is true that people like us, who are different and wish to maintain that difference, are better off here, but that does not mean you should let your guard down,” Meiran warned.   
    There was that word again, Fai thought. ‘Different’. He had never thought about it all that much. He had understood that his sexuality and his lack of concern towards ‘masculine duties’ had been different from his older brothers, from all the boys he had ever known, besides Wufei, but he had just accepted it as a part of his personality. He had become accustomed to the teasing and ostracized attitudes his family and community had given him. Wufei had told him that Duo was bullied because he was different, too, and wasn’t that why he had spent all this money just to see and speak with his boyfriend? It was because he was different, because he loved a boy, he was being bullied by his family and his own culture to the point that he wasn’t even allowed to call Wufei on the phone. It was… a strange feeling, realizing that he was being tormented by the people he should be consider to be his own world. Wufei’s friends, who yesterday had been mere strangers, were nicer to him than anyone in his family had ever been.   
    “Fai’s right,” Meiran continued, regaining Fai’s attention at the sound of his name, “You shouldn’t be kissing in broad daylight like this. I know it isn’t fair, your parents brought you here so you could be yourself and not be in danger or feel cheated all the time, but I also know that you would never do anything to put Fai’s life in danger. When I first came here, I quickly learned that being a single woman in America is just as unwanted as anywhere else; people assume things about you and become suspicious. It is the same for homosexuality. I’m not saying you should hide, or neglect showing your boyfriend affection in public, I am merely pointing out that you should be more careful. Do you understand?”  
    Wufei and Fai nodded. Wufei understood what she was talking about more than Fai did, having lived in America long enough to know that it wasn’t the safe haven many people made it out to be. It was a nice place and he didn’t feel as stifled, but he knew that there were certain things, behaviors, that he could never indulge in and kissing his boyfriend in public was simply one of them. He had seen reports on the news about homosexuals being murdered in hate crimes and he refused to be made a victim by those people.  
    Fai straightened a little as the school door flung open and Duo ran out, followed by Trowa, Quatre, and Heero, a large textbook in his hand, proof of the accomplished task.   
    “Hey, Ms. Long,” Duo greeted with a wave of his hand. Wufei quickly realized that his friend was actually a student of his other friend as Meiran smiled at him in familiarity.  
    “Good afternoon, Mr. Maxwell. I was just on my way home. We’ll be seeing each other tomorrow and I’ll be looking forward to seeing what dessert you choose to make,” she said with a fond smile.     Duo nodded.  
    “I’ll be sure to find something to surprise you,” he grinned. This week was his cooking midterm and everyone in class had to pick a dessert to make that they hadn’t before as their test. Next week would be the midterms for all his other classes, so he was glad he had the time to be more diligent on this one.   
    Cooking might be seen as a joke to his other classmates, but Duo hated the idea of being a failure, even in an elective. He had failed his entire life, which was why he tried so hard at school, he just wanted to show that he was good at something, and he loved to learn. He and Name had been practicing cooking at home for that reason, and because, one day, he wanted to make something that would really impress his new family. He was still new to it, though, his previous cooking experiences consisting of heating up frozen dinners or nuking week old pizza.   
    He was getting better at it, he now had pasta and various Italian dishes down pat and was struggling through some of Heero and Name’s favorite Japanese foods. He found that he was rather good at making onigiri and sukiyaki, but sushi was eluding him at the moment. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t just mix the rice, seaweed, fish, vegetables, and various other ingredients together in a bowl and do away with all that… folding. He did like the ones that were just salmon on top of rice, and the one with the eel, though it was a bit slimy and weird at first, though he could never remember the proper names of them, which made him feel like an idiot since Name was using her free time just to teach him.  
    “I’m sure you will,” Meiran said cheekily and, waving to Fai and Wufei, she left them to look for her car.   
    “I thought that you didn’t take Cooking,” Duo mused to Wufei. He knew that Ms. Long had moved from China not too long ago, but still, the odds of she and Wufei knowing each other didn’t seem all that great.   
    “She used to be a member of my family,” Wufei said in a small voice as he watched his ex-cousin walk away, “Well; I guess she still is a part of my family.”  
    “Small world,” Duo remarked, “If she was a member of your family, shouldn’t you tell your parents she’s here? They might like to see her again.”  
    Fai stared at Duo incredulously. He was amazed that the young teenager would be so thoughtful, not even he had thought of mentioning Meiran’s presence to Wufei’s parents, but it was a good idea. For someone who had yet to say a thing about his own family, Duo seemed to have a great deal of respect for these sorts of matters.  
    “I will,” Wufei said resolutely.  
    “If you want to show Fai around the library, we should go now,” Heero said, already making his way towards the car.   
    “Do you have your library card?” Quatre asked Heero, “There’s a book I’ve been meaning to have Duo read, but none of the bookstores have it in stock.”  
    At the mention of Duo’s name, Heero’s blue eyes flickered briefly to the braided boy and he hesitantly nodded, but didn’t say a word. Fai watched him in confusion. Heero didn’t seem to be so shy, so why was it whenever he was around Duo, he acted like he was tripping over his own feet? It was bewildering, and yet, oddly endearing. At that thought, the answer popped in Fai’s mind and he smiled in amusement and he couldn’t help but wonder as he watched how Duo, like Heero’s own brief glance, kept looking at Heero’s back, but whenever Heero turned or gave the notion of noticing Duo, he would just as quickly look away.   
    ‘Mălù,’ he thought, ‘The both of you.’  
  
End Part 16


	37. Surgery Part 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo and the others go over to Wufei's house with Fai and Duo learns more about Wufei's past. Wufei accuses Duo of running away from happiness.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 17  
  
    After the death of his father, Heero’s mother had always been a bit… protective. It was the reason why she had seemed so cold to Duo at first, not wanting her child to be friends with anyone who might betray him or use Heero for their own benefits, but after what had happened in Boston, she had gotten worse. After Duo and Heero had been kidnapped, she had realized the full extent of the sort of people that wanted to harm Duo and wasn’t letting them have another chance to get at them. She hadn’t gone near the unbearable stage yet, but Heero didn’t dare to go anywhere unannounced, lest he suffer her wrath. Even though he was just driving to the library, he called her and informed her of where they were going. The rebel of the past that still lingered in him hoped that she would grow out of this phase soon, he hated calling in like a little kid.  
    They didn’t stay at the library very long, just enough to show Fai around and get Duo his book, since Wufei confessed he had to pick up a pizza for dinner before he went back home. Fai instantly fell in love with the place, though. He was terrible at sports and things of that nature, but he had always loved reading. The library back home had a rule that you could only take out three books at a time, but here, in this huge, two story building, you could take out as many as you wanted! They even had study corners and couches so you could read right in the building. Duo caught Fai’s amazed look as Wufei led them around the library and smiled at him.  
    “When I was younger, whenever it was cold out or raining, I’d spend as much time as I could in here. Even later on, if I ever just wanted to be somewhere… quiet, I knew I could come here and be left alone for awhile. When I learned how to read, the time I spent here grew and grew. All the librarians would look at me oddly, this little kid, all by himself, reading anything he could get his hands on, but this was the only place I could get books for free and I loved to read, so I came here all the time,” Duo told them. Behind him, unknown to Duo, but seen by everyone else, Heero smiled fondly at the image of a little Duo sitting on one of the plush couches with a pile of books that was bigger than he was.   
    “Just like Matilda!” Quatre said brightly.   
    “Ma… what?” Duo asked in confusion. Heero and Quatre looked at him incredulously for a moment, unable to believe that he didn’t know what ‘Matilda’ was, especially since he was American and they both knew that those sort of books were popular among American children now a days. They quickly came to their senses, realizing with sadness that it was just one of many normal things Duo had never known.   
    “It’s a children’s book about this little girl named Matilda who’s neglected by her parents, but she’s absolutely brilliant, so she walks to the library all by herself, day after day, and reads all these really advanced books. You’re just like that,” Quatre clarified. Duo rubbed at the back of his head in embarrassment.  
    “Well, I wouldn’t say the books I read were really advanced, I just liked to read, and it helped me to practice,” Duo murmured.     Wufei snorted.   
    “I think it’s extraordinary, no matter what you read. After all, you taught yourself how to read, without any teachers or anything like that, just by trying. That’s pretty incredible, Duo,” he pointed out. Fai looked from Duo to Wufei, curious and confused. He couldn’t imagine what circumstances in Duo’s life had forced him to have to teach himself to be literate, but it must have been hard and it was hard to believe Duo was so well-spoken and well-read if he had had to do everything by himself. Still, he couldn’t help but want to know why and how his life had led him to that method, but his manners kept him from saying anything.   
    “Well, I should probably order the pizzas now,” Wufei said, looking at his watch, “That way, by the time we get there, they will be ready.”  
    Duo groaned.  
    “I could go for some pizza right now, myself. I wonder what we’re having for dinner?” he said. He was always hungry again by the time school let out and Name usually had snacks for them at home. He knew that she was at a meeting until later tonight, so he had no idea if she wanted them to pick up food too. He wondered if he could persuade Quatre that pizza would be a good idea, too, though he knew the blonde wasn’t a big fan of it.   
    “Why don’t you come over to my house?” Wufei offered, “I could order extra for you and we can hang out for a little while? My parents aren’t going to be home until late and none of us have gone over to the other’s house before.”  
    “That sounds like fun,” Fai said in agreement. As much as he wanted to spend some alone time with his lover, it had been, well, never since he had hung out with such a large group of friends, and he was sure that dinner would taste better in such an environment.  
    “I don’t see any problem with that,” Quatre said, excited with the prospect of seeing Wufei’s home.   
    He, Trowa, and Heero had known each other since they were kids and they lived with Duo, whose problems had forced all of them to become close to him quickly, but Wufei had always felt a bit distant from them. Every now and then, Quatre could see glimpses of the real person peeking out, a sharp witted quip, his reverence for a blooming flower or a flying bird, his strong sense of justice mixed with a sort of mature bitterness, he could see it in the way he looked at Fai, affection combined with reverence, like he couldn’t quite believe his luck.   
    Wufei was hiding from them. Quatre didn’t exactly blame him for that. They all hid, in their own ways. Heero, though staying entangled with his complicated emotions, often denied his feelings, even things that had happened to him in the past by utterly refusing to talk about them. Wufei hid in things that he had once known, his books mostly, trying as hard as he could not to let things change around him. Quatre buried himself in the people around him, trying to live through their emotions while pretending that he was never upset, always cheerful. Trowa was silent, even his expressions lacked any sort of truth, just… blankness. And Duo… Duo, for all of his attempts at honesty was able to tell lies simply by not talking about himself at all. He said he didn’t want to hide anymore, but he hardly ever talked about things that bothered him unless he felt it would affect his friends in some way.  
    They weren’t like that all the time. Quatre shuddered to think of how they would be like, and the terrible circumstances that would lead them to act that way, if they were constantly hiding from each other and everything else. He didn’t think anyone would want to live that way.   
    But Duo had, Quatre reminded himself. Not through choice, but Duo had been forced to not think about his circumstances, really think, or be driven insane by them. Or was it that, he had lived in those conditions for so long, he simply considered them normal, something that didn’t need much thought? That conclusion was just as painful, even more so.   
    But, it wasn’t like that anymore. They were helping each other, weren’t they? Seeing that he wasn’t alone in his past, in his experiences, Trowa was starting to open up more. Wufei was starting to let his true self shine through, finally seeing that they would like him, the real him, despite the turmoil he had put Heero and Duo through. For the first time in years, Heero had talked to someone about his father. Duo, though sometimes failing, was at least trying to be more open about what lay underneath, deep in his heart.   
    Quatre shook his head, surprised that such dark thoughts had snuck on him at such a moment. Or maybe it wasn’t so odd. He could say that things were good, that all of the things that had bothered them in the past, the things that had forced them all to hide in the first place were finally, truly behind them, where they belonged, but that was a delusion. Heero and Duo were hiding more than ever, from each other, from the people that they couldn’t afford to hide from. He wanted to say that they all had an equal share in Heero and Duo’s personal growth, but that really wasn’t the case. He wasn’t jealous about it, but he could see, as plain as day, that the two of them needed each other more than anything else.   
    “Well, if we’re agreed about this, you should call your mother again,” Trowa urged Heero. Heero simply grunted at him, as though Trowa didn’t exist, but he dialed his mother for a second time.   
    Quatre sighed. He was really getting sick of Heero’s attitude towards Trowa. His lover would never show it or admit to it in any way, but Quatre knew that Heero’s irritation with him was hurting Trowa. It was hard enough for Quatre, seeing how distant Heero was from them now, but he was being overly hostile towards someone that had once been one of his best friends in the world. Quatre had no idea how he would react if Heero started to act like that with him. He certainly wouldn’t take it lying down like Trowa was! This whole thing was just so frustrating…  
    Duo covertly glanced over at Heero, who had successfully reached his mother again, though he spoke to her in a hushed, annoyed tone. It must be nice, Duo mused, to be the one in charge. He wouldn’t know, he had always been the lowest wrung on the ladder, the one stepped on, never the one giving orders, let alone the one deciding which orders would be given. Name obviously was, even though she was currently in an important meeting, she had answered the phone twice and hadn’t attempted to rush Heero’s message. He knew that, if someone’s cell phone rang during class, the phone would be promptly confiscated by the teacher until the end of the day, regardless if the kid answered it or not. Clearly, Name considered Heero’s calls more important than business or her image as a corporate boss. Duo wondered if she would treat his own calls with as much importance.   
    Someone tapped on the back of Duo’s shoulder and he tensed, almost painfully. He still had trouble with people touching him, but when people touched him when they were standing behind him, he always ended up freaking out. So, he couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit proud that he only tensed and didn’t jump or try to punch them in the face. He spun around to see Trowa looking at him in concern and guilt at having forgotten how easily Duo got spooked.   
    “You just want cheese pizza and root beer, right?” he asked.     Duo saw the cell phone in the tall boy’s hand and blushed, realizing he was just placing the food order. Across the room, one of the librarians was watching them with a sharp look, making Duo very glad he hadn’t yelled when Trowa had tapped him.  
    “Can I get some garlic bread, too?” he asked shyly. Trowa smiled and nodded.  
    “I’ll get some extra fries so you can have some, too,” he offered.  
    Duo felt his embarrassment ease at that. His appetite problems had stopped bothering him constantly and had settled into an on, off schedule. He went through his days with either no desire to eat anything, or his appetite came back with a vengeance, making him hungry nearly all day long. Today was the latter. Fortunately, Name seemed to realize the problem, so whenever he had seconds for breakfast, she made him a big lunch. He just hoped this weird… issue would go away soon.  
    He was no stranger to stomach aches or sickness, but he was tired of it, literally tired of being sick all the time. He was supposed to be doing better now, right? He was well fed, happy, bathed regularly, and aside from Boston, hadn’t been struck or fucked half to death in a good, long time, so why was his body still suffering? He supposed that he couldn’t complain. The occasional stomach pain, loss of appetite, nightmare, and exhaustion weren’t so bad. He had just let hope in and he should have learned by now the fallacy of that. Even if things weren’t so bad, nothing was quite as painful as hope. As long as he had Name and Heero in his life, he felt that he didn’t have the right to complain about anything.  
    At least today was looking up. Wufei’s boyfriend wasn’t pissed at him, he had made a new friend, and his stomach currently wasn’t making him question if he had swallowed a couple of razor blades, or how he was going to force himself to eat dinner when he just wanted to curl up into the fetal position until the pains and aches went away. So what if he and Heero still weren’t talking? So what if one glance at Wufei and Fai or Trowa and Quatre made him feel terribly lonely? So what if he suddenly felt edgy and anxious for no reason?  
    “Phone number?” Trowa ordered Wufei, making the ‘give it here’ motion with his fingers. Wufei grunted and gave him the number. Duo caught Heero, finally off the phone, give Trowa a glare, but couldn’t understand why Heero would be mad at his friend. For offering him food? Was Heero so pissed at him that he didn’t even want their other friends to be nice to him? No, Heero wasn’t that cruel and the thing was… as much as he believed that Heero had to blame him, to hate him, beyond not talking to him, Heero didn’t seem all that angry at him. At first it had seemed like it, but Heero just seemed… mad, not at him, but at something else. It was so confusing… especially considering what Trowa had told him. He couldn’t help but think… what if all of his assumptions were wrong?  
*****  
    The last time Duo had been in a ‘normal’ house, it had been little more than a decrepit, boarded up structure of rotting wood and he had broken into it to survive a winter night on the streets. As a prostitute, he had been well acquainted with apartments and hotel rooms. Any man who had a house had never wanted to be seen bringing a kid or scantily dressed teenager there and the place he was living in now was too big for him to ever consider it a normal house, but Wufei’s definitely was.  
    It was neat inside and, somehow, Duo had just known that it would be. It lacked the elaborate style of the Yuy’s home, as well as the expensive paintings and the roses on the front table, but the lush rugs and mahogany furniture spoke of wealth. Duo wondered if, had he been born into a middle-class family instead of a dumpster, he would have grown up in a house like this. Though everything was very well organized, there was still a deep, welcoming warmth to the place that made him think of his desire for a family growing up.  
    “You know,” Fai spoke up as they entered the Chang’s house, Trowa carrying the pizza’s, Wufei carrying the drinks, and the various appetizers in paper white bags divided up between Quatre and Heero, “I’ve been meaning to ask this, Wufei, why is this house smaller than the one you had in China?”  
    Duo stared at him. The house seemed plenty big to him, having lived in a two-bedroom apartment most of his life and still not used to the size of his current home.  
    “Oh, the Chang clan is one of the wealthier families in our homeland. It’s not much compared to the Yuy or Winner families, but enough to have quite some power, and as the heir, Wufei was entitled to all of it. Since he denounced his title and left the clan, he didn’t get all of it, but he still received a large fraction. That’s right, isn’t it?” Fai asked Wufei.   
    “Yes,” Wufei said with a nod, “That was the agreement between my Master and my father. In return for leaving the clan and denouncing my claim as leader, I received half of what I could have had if I had stayed.”  
    “That doesn’t seem fair,” Duo protested, “They just bribed you into exile! And just because you didn’t want to marry. But isn’t your surname still ‘Chang’. If you’re no longer allowed to be a part of their clan, didn’t you have to change your name?”  
    “No, nothing like that,” Wufei explained patiently. In the past, he would have been angry at Duo’s questions, but he now understood that the boy wasn’t being willfully ignorant or obnoxious, he had simply never encountered his culture before and was trying to understand.  
    “In reality, my parents received the better deal. When I stated that I refused to marry and when my sexuality was discovered, I could have staid as the heir, but my clan’s reputation would have been dirtied and there would have been many strained feelings. My leaving for America was irrelevant, I would still have been a part of the clan. By loosing my attachments to the clan, I allowed them to save face and replace me while getting an inheritance and safety in return. The name is not important, it will always be mine, but because of this deal, I can never return to the clan or reclaim my title of heir. This is fine, leadership, though tempting, never would have suited me. Leaving the clan and leaving China were two separate actions. I agree with the former and not the latter. I think I was destined to never be leader. I would have done poorly,” Wufei insisted.  
    Duo snorted.   
    “I still don’t think it’s fair that you had to move across the world just because they couldn’t accept who you are. I know your culture is different, but it still feels wrong,” he murmured. Wufei gave him an amused look.  
    “Coming from you, Duo, hearing you describe my situation as unfair is more than just a little depressing,” he said dryly. Duo blushed, worried that he had insulted Wufei, but he still looked more amused than pissed.  
    “Why is it depressing coming from Duo?” Fai asked in confusion. Quatre, Trowa, Duo, and Wufei shared a look while Heero looked a bit panicked, all unsure of what to say or do.  
    “It’s complicated,” Trowa said with an edge of finality. Fai let the subject drop, but he once again had to battle with his curiosity. It was a little bit hurtful that Wufei couldn’t trust him with Duo’s secret, but he knew that it wasn’t up to his lover.  
    The strained conversation dropped, though not forgotten, the six of them sat down at the Chang’s kitchen table and started to eat, enjoying both the food and the company. Fai took a slice of cheese pizza, too afraid of the unknown American food to try anything more complicated, and simply stared at it for several minutes. It didn’t look very appetizing, yet his new friends were eating it happily. Truthfully, it didn’t even look like food to him. Having never had soda before, he had begged Wufei to order him a simple green tea, but the cold, lime-colored liquid in the glass bottle looked… dubious.  
    “Just try it,” Wufei urged with a small smile. Fai had always been nervous around things that were different from the things he was used to. Fai reminded him, painfully, of a child given a new chore. He didn’t know what to do and was terrified of doing something wrong because he was sure he would be scolded or hit because of it. Wufei was sure that, as a child, he had been. He had only met Fai’s parents a few times, but he had started to hate them long before that. Every time Fai had been nervous, self-conscious, self-hating, unsure of himself, every time he put himself down, every time he called himself stupid, Wufei had hated them. Just the thought of sending his lover back to them made Wufei want to chain Fai to the bed, just to keep him here, safe and with him.   
    Fai struggled to open the bottle of green tea, flinching at the obnoxious, loud ‘pop’ the metal top made when he got it off. The glass was indeed cold, which he hadn’t been expecting. It was probably a good thing considering that the pizza was hot, but he still wasn’t sure about drinking it. He took a sip, sure that, despite his doubts about the tea, it would taste good anyway, and immediately made a disgusted face, glaring at the tea. This tea tasted like the tea that one time his mother had accidentally dumped a tin of sugar into it, only this tea was ice cold. How could anyone drink tea that tasted more candy than a beverage?!  
    Wufei couldn’t help but grin at his boyfriend’s irritated, grossed-out look. But Duo took pity on him. He poured some root beer into a clean glass and handed it to the other longhaired boy.  
    “Here, this might taste better than that,” Duo insisted. Fai eyed the glass filled with dark brown liquid with distrust. The tea had been bad enough, but soda was notoriously sweet, so why would Duo want him to drink it? He wanted to turn down the beverage, but to do so would be to turn down Duo’s kindness as well. So, he drank it.  
Fai blinked as he sipped down the root beet. He had been right, it was sweet, yet it didn’t disgust him like the tea had. The sweetness seemed… more natural. The drink itself, despite the sharpness of the carbonation, tasted smooth, the ginger in it pleasant instead of too strong or too bland. Fai’s eyes widened in surprise as he realized he actually liked the soda. He hadn’t liked the tea because he had been expecting one thing and had tasted something else. He took an experimental bite of his pizza and found the root beer a perfect compliment to it. The pizza itself was quite good and not nearly as greasy as the pizza in the school cafeteria.  
    “I’ll take that,” Quatre said cheerfully as he grabbed the bottle of green tea. He was used to sweet teas as they were more common in his home land than in Wufei’s, he was sure. In fact, he couldn’t stand the sometimes bitterness of the tea Heero’s grandfather seemed to cherish and always had on tap when they were kids.   
    “I can’t believe that we’ve never been over each other’s houses before,” Duo mused, “You two should come over tomorrow…” his voice trailed off as he realized it wasn’t really his place to suggest such a thing. He was assuming too much, though he truly thought of the Yuy’s house as his home, being so bold as inviting people over was crossing the line, wasn’t it? He dared a glance at Heero, but he didn’t seem annoyed at all.  
    “Of course they should!” Quatre said diplomatically, “Name wouldn’t mind, but we should make something for dinner instead of just ordering out.”  
    Wufei and Fai shared a nervous look at the thought of eating dinner with Name Yuy. It was one thing to know Heero, since he was pretty down to earth, even if he was acting like a jerk right now, in Wufei’s opinion, and anyone who would take in a kid they barely even knew and had saved them from a lifestyle like Duo’s had to be an exceptionally honorable person, and sure, he had met Name before. She had driven him back home from Boston and had been nice then, but had also been in what Quatre had once affectionately called ‘mission mode’, so concentrated on getting them safe, that they hadn’t exactly had the time to chat. Examining Heero’s reactions to anything involving Duo, Wufei thought that this mission mode thing had to be genetic.   
    In any case, when Wufei thought about Heero’s mother, the one image he had was of her at the hospital, a day after Duo had divulged his story to them. It had been after hearing that story, and insulting Duo. He had been kicked out of his room, but he had returned the next day, hoping to speak to his ex-crush, only to meet with a furious Name Yuy, ordering him to stay away from Duo, as long as he continued to be rude and hurtful. She had said, in no uncertain terms, that she was willing to do whatever she had to, to protect her new charge. He respected Name for her actions back then, as well as recently, but that image of her, furious and protective and hating his guts enough to, Wufei had been terrified enough to think, send a hit squad after him, had stayed with him and she had easily intimidated him. Even now, the thought of sitting down to dinner with the woman was… terrifying.   
    “I don’t know,” Wufei said cautiously.  
    “But Name’s nice,” Duo protested, quick to defend the woman that had given him a second chance at life, “she was a little bit cold to me at first,” he admitted, “but she’s done so much for me… and she really is nice. She’s not scary when you get to know her.”  
    Duo’s words did nothing to soothe the two Chinese boys, but Wufei nodded.  
    “It would be rude if we didn’t accept,” Fai pointed out in agreement, but they could all tell that the idea still scared him.  
    “Like Duo said, Name isn’t scary,” Quatre tried to assure them, “She can be a little bit… intimidating when you first meet her, but she’s actually very kind and certainly not as cutthroat as the media makes her out to be.”  
    Fai paled at that, feeling worse instead of better.  
    “Maybe towards you guys, but after what I did…” Wufei pointed out, thinking again of his harsh words to Duo in the hospital and sending Duo an apologetic look.  
    “She knows you’re sorry,” Duo insisted, “And trust me, she won’t make you jump through hoops to impress her. When she first met me, she had thought I was using Heero, but even then, she was never cruel, and once she realized I just wanted to be his friend, she turned out to be the nicest person I’ve ever met, besides Heero of course.”  
    Heero, who had been staying out of the conversation by being immersed in eating his French fries, blushed at the comment.  
    ‘After all I’ve done to him after all the bad things that have happened to him because of me, he still thinks of me as someone kind. No, not only kind, the kindest person he’s ever met,’ Heero thought in astonishment. That thought filled him with hope, hurtful, but shining. The moment was swiftly broken as they heard the front door open and someone enter the house.  
    “I thought your parents weren’t going to come home until later tonight,” Fai mentioned as he glanced at his boyfriend.  
    “Maybe Mom got off early,” Wufei suggested. Duo heard his tone of doubt and felt fear prickle down his spine. What if his worst fears were happening right now? What if Chris or Wes had found him, again, and were going to hurt, not just him, but all of his friends? But the strides of the people coming towards them were too small to belong to tall men like Wes and Chris. What if they had decided to not dirty their hands this time? What if they had sent someone else after him? What if…  
    Duo abandoned the thought. He had to stop doing this! Every bump in the night, ever shadow, every shiver down his spine was not a monster, ready to come out of the dark and go after him! He was being ridiculous and he knew it, but he couldn’t shake his fear, or his guilt.  
    A woman with long, ebony hair strolled leisurely into the kitchen and gave them all an amused Duo quickly recognized her as Wufei’s mother and relaxed. The two of them looked incredibly similar, aside from the fact that they were both Chinese. They had the same almost-tan skin color, the same straight, jet-black hair, the same delicate features, and even the same posture. Her eyes were lighter and her nose was a bit smaller, but there was no doubt in Duo’s mind that this woman was Wufei’s mom. She looked to be around Name’s age, but Name was taller. Her black hair, which was longer than Wufei’s, but shorter than Fai’s, was up in a frazzled ponytail, mussed in a way that practically screamed that she had just come off of work.  
    “Well, that explains the strange, expensive car in my drive way!” she said cheerfully as she looked from boy to boy, “Wufei, I really wish you had told us we were to have company tonight! The least I could have done was tidied up and cooked something better than pizza!”  
    “That’s alright,” Quatre said, standing up to greet their friend’s mother, “Pizza was fine. Your son has been a great host. I hope we’re not intruding.”  
    Wufei had the common sense to look guilty when his mother’s sharp eye moved from Quatre to him.  
    “I thought you and Dad weren’t going to be home until later. I would have asked you permission if I had known you two had gotten off early,” he said.  
    “You should have asked anyway,” she pointed out, “But this is fine. I’m glad to have you boys over. I’ve been wanting to meet with Wufei’s new friends for quite some time now. And you must be Duo Maxwell,” her tone turned happy and excited as she noticed the longhaired American who was helping Fai clear the table for Wufei’s parents to have their own dinner.  
    “Y-yes, Ma’am,” Duo stammered, stopping what he was doing. It still disturbed him how people he had never met could pick him out of a crowd, but he supposed, if Wufei had told his parents about him, with his eyes and hair, he was easily recognizable.  
    “Wufei must have spoken about me a bit,” he inferred.   
    “Oh, all the time!” she informed him, “but I actually know you from the hospital.”  
    Wufei and Duo paled at that fact. Wufei had tried so hard to keep Duo’s secret. He hated lying to his parents, but for Duo’s sake, he had had to keep things from them and… alter the truth a little. Actually, it was just as much for his sake as Duo’s.  
    “The hospital?” Duo asked nervously. He didn’t remember ever seeing her there, but he had been so drugged up for so long, his memory of that depressing time was fuzzy.  
    “Yes. I was on duty the night you were brought in,” she said, “I don’t work in the children’s wing, that’s Dr. Stark’s territory, but all the doctors and nurses were gossiping about you and your connection to the Yuy family.”  
    “So… you know what happened?” Quatre asked cautiously. He hadn’t wanted anyone to find out about Duo’s dark past this way, through whispers and gossip. Wufei’s mother nodded. Duo suddenly felt sick. Did the whole damn hospital know that he had been raped?  
    “Can you tell us what you heard had happened?” Trowa asked.  
    “Duo didn’t tell you?” she questioned.  
    “Well, it would be nice to hear the story from a doctor’s point of view. Duo was so sick at the time and his doctor only really spoke to Mrs. Yuy,” Trowa pointed out. Wufei glared at him. He didn’t know what the Italian was trying to pull, but, bad enough that his mother knew, he didn’t want Fai finding out this way. He wouldn’t mind if he knew that it didn’t bother Duo, but by the paleness of his friend’s face, Wufei knew that it did.  
    Of course, if it had been Wufei, he would have been bothered to know that others knew, too. He had always been a private person and something like this was just too dark and twisted for him to ever share it with anyone. But then again, Wufei knew Duo was stronger than him. If something like that had ever happened, he never would have been able to survive it, let alone pull himself back out again like Duo had.  
    “Well, one of the doctors told me that Duo had an accident of some kind. His spleen had ruptured, but it was Heero who had brought him in, yet his father never came for him. He had just… left him to fend for himself! And Wufei said you’re living with the Yuy’s now, is that right?” she asked Duo, who looked relieved, realizing that she didn’t know the whole truth. He nodded.  
    “You poor thing. Your father must have been a terrible person, just to abandon you when you were so sick… you could have died!” she sympathized.  
    “He… wasn’t a very nice man, no,” Duo confessed, “But the Yuy’s have been very kind to me.”  
    Fai stared at Duo. So, this was his secret? It was no wonder Duo held Name in such high regard! If it hadn’t been for her, he wouldn’t have gotten proper care or a home afterwards. What had his father been thinking, just leaving Duo to die like that! He felt furious at the thought, as well as a surge of pride and protectiveness towards Duo, that he had survived such neglect. Did that mean that his father had actually been the one who had hurt him, or had he only decided to abandon his child? Duo had said his father wasn’t a nice man, did that mean he had been abusing him as well as neglecting him? There were too many implications of that one statement, each worse than the last.  
Duo suddenly found himself wrapped in a hug by Wufei’s mother. Wufei groaned in embarrassment. His mother always had the urge to fix things, it came from being a doctor, she often said, but when she realized she couldn’t make things better, she got depressed and emotional.  
    What was it with Duo and mothers, Trowa wondered. It was like he projected a signal that screamed “hug me” to everyone with a maternal instinct within ten miles. That particular image made him snort in amusement. There was something about Duo, be it the things that had happened to him in his life or it was just his character, that exuded this need for affection and safety, yet he was far from pitiful or weak. Trowa had seen this trait and had fallen pretty to it more than once. The Chinese woman quickly released the boy, but her warm, concerned look gave Trowa the impression that she wanted to hug him again.  
    “I want to thank you for befriending my Wufei,” she said emotionally, “He doesn’t make friends easily, but he talks about you all the time. You’ve been very good for him.”  
    Duo blushed as Wufei bit back another groan. Trowa tried not to smirk at how uncomfortable Wufei was. He probably hadn’t told his mother about how he and Duo had met, but that was fine. No mother really wanted to know about the stupid things her children did when she wasn’t looking.  
    “It’s not a big deal,” Duo said, squirming a little. He was terrible at taking compliments and he knew it. He had spent his entire life being yelled at, called dirty, hurtful things, and scolded, so whenever anyone said anything good about him, it took him by surprise and he didn’t know how to act.  
    “It wasn’t all that long ago, just a few months, that I was all alone, too,” Duo confessed, “I know how hard it is to make friends and I’m glad that I met Wufei. He’s a good friend.”  
    Wufei tried to find some sarcasm in Duo’s words, but to his shock, he realized that his friend was speaking the truth, after causing him so much stress, Duo actually cherished his friendship.  
    “You haven’t introduced yourself, have you?” Wufei’s father asked in amusement as he walked into the kitchen, his short, black hair still wet from the quick washing he had done while his wife had been chatting.   
    “Oh!” she exclaimed, “That was rude, wasn’t it?”  
    Her husband smirked at her.  
    “You’re still as disorganized as you were when we were teenagers. Some things will never change,” he quipped, earning a cold glare.  
    “I’m Chang Lian, Wufei’s mother,” she said, embarrassed by her behavior, “and this is my husband, Chang Zhi.”  
    “That’s better,” Zhi joked.   
    Duo looked from Zhi to Lain. Considering how Wufei had acted at first, and hearing about what the rest of his family was like, he had been expecting Wufei’s parents to be so down to earth.  
    “Well, you certainly look better,” Lian commented, looking at Zhi’s hair.  
    “You just got off the site?” Wufei asked. Zhi nodded.  
    “I’m an architect,” he explained to the other boys, “I construct as well as plan and this isn’t the first time I’ve come home with sawdust in my hair,” he turned to Fai, “Did you enjoy sitting in on Wufei’s classes.”  
    Fai nodded and Zhi’s gaze turned thoughtful.  
    “Would you like to come here more often?” he suggested, “You know Wufei’s mother and I have no problem with your presence in Wufei’s life. It would be nice for Wufei to keep a tie to our homeland, to his past, and I know you make him happy. This is why we insisted on moving away. We did not want our only child to be chained down by ancient traditions if it will only bring him misery.”  
    Wufei looked away from his father in shame. He had fought so hard against his parents’ decision, and he still wasn’t entirely happy with it, but he had never truly realized his parents’ feelings, and the sacrifices they had deemed worth it. Exile and shame for his happiness… it made his complaints seem childish.  
    “I would like that,” Fai said with a spark of excitement in his eyes, “I want to visit Wufei and his friends as much as I can, but to come here is so expensive and the jobs I have don’t pay much… even if I could find a way to keep my father from stopping me again, it would take several months to come back here. I am already in trouble when I return. This trip was worth it, but my father will be keeping a strict eye on me for quite sometime. I will have to find a different way to sneak away next time.”  
    Zhi frowned, feeling angry that his son’s boyfriend had to go through such lengths just so they could see each other for a week. It was like an old romance novel or drama, the star-crossed lovers with fate itself conspiring against them.  
    “I can talk to your father,” he offered. Oh, he could have choice words with Fai’s father on more things than just his attitude towards Wufei. Namely his attitude towards his own son, his youngest son, the same attitude that had existed for as long as Fai could remember.   
    “No,” Fai interrupted, “there is nothing you can say to change his mind. I have tried… he will never change. My family will never change,” he said in a small, hurt voice. Trowa and Quatre shared an emotional look, truly sympathizing with Fai. If it hadn’t been for Iria, providing money, shelter, and a way out in those early years of Quatre and Trowa’s relationship and Quatre’s decision to break ties with his father, he never would have been able to leave home, to be with Trowa.  
    Lian looked at her son with a great sadness.  
    “Alright, you guys, why don’t you go up to Wufei’s room and play? We can clean up here,” Lian paused, realizing that Duo had resumed trying to clean up their mess and she glared at Wufei,     “Chang Wufei, you will not make your guests clean up after you!” she snapped, grabbing the empty soda bottles from Duo.  
    “Gee, thanks for getting me in trouble,” Wufei teased Duo, who rolled his eyes at him.  
    “Well, someone around here has to be responsible,” he countered.  
    “Come on,” he grabbed Duo’s arm and led him out of the kitchen, “There’s something in my room that I know you’ll love.”  
*****  
    “Hamsters!” Duo cheered excitedly, gravitating towards the tank-cage near Wufei’s bed, which held two little, white, brown-spotted hamsters, one curled up near the food dish, the other running on it’s wheel, squeaking happily. Trowa rolled his eyes.  
    “You would win him over with fuzzy animals,” he chided in amusement as Duo watched the hamsters and Fai joined them.  
    “Hey, Shenny,” Fai cooed at the running hamster.  
    “I never thought of you as a rodent man, Wufei,” Quatre teased.   
    “I wanted a cat, but my father’s allergic, so I got hamsters instead,” Wufei explained, “These two are actually the third pair I’ve had. They’re both females.”  
    “Can I hold them?” Duo begged with a wide, kittenish expression.  
    “Sure, they don’t bite,” he said, then narrowed his eyes as Duo slid the lid to the side and gently lifted at the tiny creatures.  
    “Don’t tell me you’re one of those people who loves rats, Duo,” Wufei asked suspiciously.   
    “Rats are cute!” Duo said defensively, “In between the alley outside Wes’ apartment and how I grew up, I got used to them pretty quickly and before I had my cats, I talked to rats. I don’t get why so many people are grossed out by them. Especially these little fluff balls! They’re so cute!”   
    Wufei looked at Duo in horror.  
    “Duo… you… you didn’t… um… when you were a kid…” he struggled with the thought of Duo eating rats as a child. Duo gave him a dark look, not one of hatred, but one of reflection and regret, understanding what he was trying to say.  
    “Sometimes,” he murmured, “If I had to, if things were tough. I always hated it. Sometimes, I would wait too long, just because I didn’t want to, but in the end…” he lapsed into silence. A morbid, depressed air filled the room.  
    Fai had no idea what was going on, but stayed quiet out of respect of the sudden, somber mood. Heero watched Duo with a smile as he stroked the hamsters’ fur with a soft, affectionate look. He had missed that smile…  
    “I guess this is my penance,” Duo murmured, his smile growing as the more active hamster squeaked, almost in agreement, and nuzzled his thumb. Wufei wanted to make a crack that only Duo would feel guilty about killing rats for his own survival, but felt that it would be cheap.   
    “What are their names?” Duo asked Wufei.  
    “Shenlong and Nataku,” Fai said smugly. Duo’s eyes widened. Last semester’s history class had included world mythology, so he knew what those names were and what they meant.  
    “’Fei, their names are bigger than they are!” Duo exclaimed.  
    “That’s what I told him!” Fai laughed.  
    “Shut up!” Wufei snapped indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest, “They are brave and noble warriors that were saved from an unworthy death in a soup kitchen!”  
    “What?!” Duo shrieked in horror. Fai playfully punched his boyfriend in the shoulder.  
    “Don’t tease him like that!” he scolded, “Duo, we don’t eat hamster.”  
    “Oh… well… that’s good,” Duo muttered, holding the rodents protectively, “I always wanted a gerbil or something small like that, but my cats, especially Toby, would just eat it.”  
    Fai immediately brightened.  
    “You have cats?” he asked excitedly.  
    “No, he has eight cats and a horde of kittens that need to be given away,” Trowa said dryly, “You’ll be able to see them when you come over tomorrow.”  
    Wufei shook his head.   
    “I still can’t believe you have so many. I know you love them all and they’re important to you, and you’re able to take care of them. Still, I’m surprised that my dad didn’t start sneezing just by being near you,” Wufei smirked.  
    Duo stuck his tongue out childishly at him and put the hamsters back in their tank.  
    “I’d like to see your cats,” Fai said shyly, “I have one back home. Well, it’s not really my cat, it’s my eldest brother’s, but he never fed her, even when she was a kitten. I was more interested in her and ended up being the one who took care of her, so she connected with me instead of my brother.”  
    “Your brothers are idiots, all three of them,” Wufei said angrily, thinking that Fai’s entire family treated Fai just like they treated the cat, “He named the poor thing “Túnshŭ”, first of all, but he and the other two just call her “Zhū.””   
    Fai gave Wufei an irritated look, but he knew his lover was right.  
    “What do those names mean?” Duo asked.  
    “Well, you can make fun of my hamsters’ names, but Fai’s brothers were just cruel. When the cat was a kitten, she had the brown and white coloring of a guinea pig. Now, she’s mostly white with light brown spots, like my hamsters, but back then, she was named “Túnshŭ,” which is “guinea pig”, and now she’s “Zhū,” which is just “pig”.”  
    “She’s not even fat,” Fai grumbled, “And she certainly doesn’t look like a rat or a pig! I had always thought that she looked like a pinto horse, so I named her “Jún.” It means ‘spirited horse’,” he clarified for Duo. Wufei smiled fondly at him.  
    “And now the little beast only answers to Jún, Wufei mused.   
    Quatre squeaked as Heero’s phone made a loud ping, signaling a new text message. The blonde glared at him.  
    “Why is that thing up so loud?!” he demanded, “What if it had gone off in the library or during dinner?!”   
    Heero just rolled his eyes and grunted at his friend. He looked at the text and sighed.  
    “Time to go,” he announced.  
    “Is she pissed?” Trowa asked. Heero shook his head.  
    “No, but it’s getting late and we have a lot of homework to do. We should go,” Heero pointed out, though he didn’t want to go at all.     He wanted Duo to play with the hamsters some more, he wanted to watch him smile.  
    “We’ll pick you two up tomorrow morning and we can hang out after school,” Quatre said. Fai nodded. The four boys said their goodbyes to Fai and Wufei and started to pile out of the room, but Duo hesitated and looked back at Wufei.  
    “’Fei… about before, when I said your situation was unfair, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insult you,” he apologized.  
    Wufei shook his head, a little bit amused that Duo would feel guilty about something like that.  
    “It wasn’t an insult to me,” he assured him, “In fact, you have a very noble sense of justice. When you talk about your past, you never seen outraged by it. To you, it’s just memories, terrible things, but things that can’t be changed. I guess it’s impossible to reconcile such… abuses with merely right and wrong, but you have to understand that it worries all of us when you speak of them like that, like you’ve accepted them. What Wes did to you… you should be furious, but you’re not. Considering what happened… I’m honored that my situation has made you so upset.”  
    “It’s true,” Duo admitted, “I had to accept what went on, all those dark things, because for so long, I thought I deserved them, that it was all my fault. If I hadn’t accepted them, if I had thought that what he did to me was such an injustice… I would have gone insane. I couldn’t fight, I could barely maintain… myself after all those years… I thought that I had to be a bad person, someone evil, for him to do those things to me… then, after awhile, I just believed that it didn’t matter, things like wrong and right in my life didn’t exist. Only good people could possibly have a concept like that,” he ran a hand through his bangs, not wanting to so much as think of those dark times, yet the words came easily because, back then, he had thought of those things so often.  
    “I only truly understood what justice was when I saw how all of you, my friends, reacted to my past. Even you. Your words hurt, I won’t insult you by denying that, but those words came out because you believed that what had happened to me wasn’t right. You were actually offended by my own situation. Even from the start, you have always been more honorable than me. Since I was a kid, I had been so sure that things like honor and justice didn’t exist, that everyone in the world was as dark, twisted, and pessimistic as I was, as the people I had met were. But I was wrong. I wouldn’t be here right now if I had been right. You remember when Heero was almost expelled for beating up that kid? A lesser person, someone without honor, would have gotten him in trouble, they would have lied to get what they wanted, but you told the truth. You did the right thing and helped him.”  
    Wufei snorted.  
    “It’s no wonder you get along so well with Meiran,” he mused, “You think you have no sense of honor? Most, including my own family, would think that getting all that money was the better deal, yet you immediately were so concerned with my pride and freedom. I mean, you lived so long being poor… I would have thought that you of all people would consider money more important.”  
    “I may have been poor for all of my life, but I’ve also been chained down, stripped of a future, choices, and any sort of personal identity, so I’ve learned that money is shit, unless you’re someone you can be proud of. I had always thought that what had happened was good, hell, maybe that was a lie to rationalize why I staid with Wes, because being with him had to be better than being homeless, but now… when I think about him and miss him, yearn for his presence because I was with him for so long, because in really fucked-up way, he was the only stable thing in my life, I absolutely hate myself. I don’t want to like what he did to me, I don’t want to love him and think back to those times and actually feel lonely for him. When I think of that, I think it would have been better if I had just starved to death on the streets than had met him,” Duo’s strained words were cut off as Wufei hugged him.  
    Fai felt a stab in his heart and stomach, but it wasn’t from jealousy, seeing his lover hold his ex-crush so affectionately. He had the impulse to hug him, too. He had no idea what they had been talking about, but Duo’s words… no human being should feel that way. When Duo had said that he hated himself, he had meant it with every inch of his soul.  
    “Duo…” Wufei sighed, his voice filled with pain for his friend and he struggled not to let his fury at Wes to show, in case Duo thought he was blaming him again. How could he have ever thought that Duo’s past was entirely his fault? He let go of his friend and looked into his stormy, violet eyes.  
    “I’m not what you think I am. When I was younger, I was just like you,” he confessed, “I didn’t believe in justice, either, and, after everything you’ve told me, I’m still not sure it exists. After all, that… bastard is still out there while you have to live with what he did to you… but back when I was still engaged to Meiran, I had truly believed that justice was created by people with power so they could justify their actions. I didn’t believe in a true justice, a universal ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, but Meiran did. She believed it so passionately. Whenever I told her my beliefs, she was so adamant that she was right. We fought so stubbornly about it… Then, she sacrificed her freedom, and her pride, just so I could discover my true path, my true happiness, yet through that sacrifice and her misery, she still believed in justice, in honor. I saw that and I… I wanted to believe in something so resolutely. I adopted her philosophy to honor her, and because I was proud of her and wanted something in myself to be proud of.”  
    “But you can’t just act a certain way for someone else’s actions or because it sounds nice, you have to actually believe in it. When you stood up for Heero, you weren’t doing it because you thought it was something your cousin would do, you did it because you believed it was right. Meiran did what she did because she knew that forcing you to do something that would make you ashamed and miserable was wrong and you knew she was right in thinking that,” Duo insisted.  
    Wufei smiled at him affectionately.  
    “And she was right. Afterlife notwithstanding, our lives are short. In meeting you, I have learned that anything can happen, good or bad, so we should do whatever makes us happy, while we’re still alive and able to reach for it, right?” he asked.  
    Duo nodded in agreement.  
    “Then talk to Heero, Duo,” Wufei nearly pleaded. Duo looked at him in shock.   
    “I… I can’t,” he said softly, with a great deal of pain. Fai quickly realized that his assumptions were right. The one Duo was in love with was Heero. Was that why they weren’t speaking, because Duo was too shy?  
    If that was the truth, Fai felt bad for the both of them. He had been in love with Wufei for quite some time, but he had been too shy, too scared, to say anything. If Wufei hadn’t taken the first step, would he have never known how wonderful it was to be with him, as lovers? He certainly hoped that that wouldn’t be the case for Heero and Duo, if Heero felt the same way.   
    “Yes, you can,” Wufei insisted, “He makes you happy, we all know that he does. He saved you and the connection you have with him is something the rest of us will never have with anyone. Without him… you’re miserable. He’s miserable, too. You deserve happiness, Duo. You’ve been denying yourself for so long. You’ve known pain and darkness, and the only way you know to survive is to not try for the things you want most, because you’re so sure you’ll fail, and that failure is so painful, it’s almost fatal. Don’t you get it? You’re not distancing yourself from your best friend because of what happened in Boston. You’re doing it because you’re terrified of being happy. Something you have no idea what it feels like or how it will make you change. You’re scared to death of not being miserable, of actually trying to hope for something good and normal. You’re just using what had happened as an excuse to push him away, but he’s gotten too close to who you really are, something no one has ever done before.”  
    Duo’s eyes widened at the truth of what Wufei was saying. He was… hiding from happiness? It was true that he was scared of his new life at the same time that it was everything he had ever wanted. Was he really pushing Heero away like he was trying to push his past away, because he was terrified of seeing what was really hiding underneath it? Were his feelings for his best friend like his past and his denial of their existence just delaying the inevitable? Wufei was right, he was absolutely terrified of letting Heero in, thinking that Heero was mad at him and that Heero was in danger were just pitiful excuses.   
    The truth was, his life was made up of moments of pain and darkness. He was death, humiliation, and destruction, all rolled into one. And Heero… Heero was light and hope, dreams and happiness. Reaching for him was like a fish trying to walk on land. He had no idea what he really wanted, and what if he failed, when his entire soul was relying on succeeding? Wes really was his father. He and his mother, the cold, uncaring streets, had created who he was now. What if he learned that who he really was, was someone that Heero would be disgusted in, or worse, someone that would only turn Heero into someone like him at the end of it all?  
    He wanted to be with Heero forever. He wanted to become a better person for Heero. He just… he wanted to be proud of himself. He wanted to be loved. He wanted to let go of his past.  
    “I don’t want to be scared anymore,” he murmured out loud.  
    ‘I don’t want to be dirty anymore. I don’t want to be tired, or sad, or see this… darkness, this distortion inside of myself. I want to be whole. I want Heero… to love me for who I am, but in order for that to happen… I have to be someone else. How could he ever love my real self when who I really am is so new and… disgusting?’ he thought, his heart feeling like it was being crushed by his violent emotions.  
    Wufei and Fai saw the darkness in his eyes and Wufei panicked, realizing he had brought something up that Duo hadn’t been ready to think about, let alone talk about.   
    “Duo, I’m so sorry,” he apologized in a panic, “I’m an idiot. Don’t listen to me.”  
    He felt like slamming his head against the wall. He wasn’t a therapist and he had no right to say these things to his friend, who was still suffering through his past abuse and clearly wasn’t ready to be psychoanalyzed, but he wanted Duo and Heero to be happy and attached at the hip again.  
    “No,” Duo murmured, his voice tight, “You’re right. I’m terrified and I’m running away, because it’s easier. I need to talk to him… but I’m too much of a coward.”  
    “Being scared doesn’t make you a coward,” Fai defended Duo, “You’ll find the strength to do it. I used to think that I was useless and a coward, but my feelings for Wufei made me try to see him again, and here I am. Those feelings are scary, but they’re beautiful, and they give you strength, don’t they?”  
    Duo nodded, thinking of how his feelings for Heero had led him to break off his deal with Zechs, run away from Wes, and live through a near-death experience. Heero had said that he was strong all on his own, but the night his spleen had ruptured, he had almost died and, at that moment, seeing Heero again had been the only thing he had had to live for. If those feelings had been strong enough for him to cheat death… why couldn’t he face Heero and just admit that he was sorry for putting his life in danger, but he lacked the strength to go on without him? He needed Heero, it was as simple as that. So why was this decision so hard to make?  
    “Thank you,” he said to both Fai and Wufei. Wufei sighed.  
    “Duo… just be happy and don’t worry so much, ok?” he pleaded. Duo smiled at him.  
    “You’re a good friend, Wufei,” he said, “Don’t ever think differently.”  
    Wufei blushed as he watched Duo leave, feeling immensely humbled.   
    “Is he going to be ok?” Fai asked worriedly. He knew that he was massively in the dark about Duo’s past, but he felt that he knew enough about him to know there was something very deep troubling him, and he had interacted with him enough to know Duo had a unique inner strength, and for Fai to be deeply concerned about him.  
    “I’m beginning to think that Duo can survive anything,” Wufei said, “But right now, he really needs our support.”  
    Feeling weary, Wufei sat on the edge of his bed and Fai joined him, pushing him down so they were both lying down. Fai curled up against Wufei’s side, laying his head on the taller boy’s chest and throwing an arm around his flat stomach so he could snuggled against him easily. Wufei curled his right arm around Fai’s slender back, stroking his hair with his long fingers. Fai struggled against a deep feeling of pleasure and relaxation, trying to stay awake. In between the smaller bedroom, the new food, and Wufei’s strange, but companionable new friends, something so familiar as lying with his lover was comfortable. They staid silent, letting the strained conversation with Duo fade into the background, reveling in each other’s company.   
    “You never told me why this house is smaller than your old one,” Fai suddenly mentioned.  
    “You don’t like it?” Wufei asked.  
    “No, I love it,” Fai assured him, “it’s still bigger than my house and I know your parents aren’t flashy, but they could have comfortably bought something bigger. IS there a specific reason why they chose this house?”  
    Wufei’s fingers traveled down to Fai’s thin neck, which made the longhaired boy relax even further.  
    “Whey my parents decided to move here, they both wanted to make sure they would have jobs. Doctors are hard to come by here because of the economy and, since medical technology and drugs have been updated so constantly in the last ten years, all the older doctors have had to get retrained, so Mom managed to get her current job pretty easily. However, they had heard rumors and stories of immigrants losing their jobs before they even got to America, so they decided to save as much money as they could in case they ended up losing steady income and got a smaller house. My father also told me that they wanted me to fit in better, so they didn’t want to stand out too much and most of this town is poor or middle class anyway.”  
Fai frowned.  
    “It must be so hard,” he mused out loud, “To move from your home only to find you can’t get a job. Meiran must have had such a hard time…”  
    Wufei hummed in affirmative, then smirked, getting a mischievous look in his dark eyes as Fai made a happy noise deep in his throat at Wufei’s fingers on his neck.  
    Fai squeaked as Wufei rolled him over so the longhaired boy was on top of him, straddling his waist. Wufei grabbed his shirt and pulled him down to kiss him. Fai’s amber eyes slid closed and he moaned against Wufei’s lips as the other boy slipped his tongue into his mouth. He returned the gesture, loving the taste of pizza and French fries on his boyfriend’s tongue. The flavor remained even when they parted, the both of them flushed.   
    “Your parents,” Fai started to protest, but his words ended in a low groan as Wufei slid one hand up his short, trailing over his stomach and another down his jeans, slipping under his underwear. Fai gasped again as those questing fingers found his slowly hardening cock and wrapped around it, stroking the flesh gently, lovingly.  
    “’Fei…” he murmured breathlessly, suddenly no longer caring about anyone walking in on them. How long had it been since he had felt his lover’s knowing touch on his sensitive skin?  
    “Just let me take care of you,” Wufei pleaded. He couldn’t have stopped touching that wonderful part of his boyfriend’s body, a part only he had touched. He could feel Fai’s cock, silky, hard, and hot, twitch in his hand.  
    Fai stopped fighting and let Wufei fondle his erection, his fingers tracing over the length and engorged head. If he had been able to think as Wufei stroked him and simultaneously slid his jeans and underwear down his legs, his other hand softly squeezing one of his butt cheeks, he would have found that he truly hated his family for trying to deny him this intense, intimate pleasure.   
    Suddenly, Wufei’s long middle finger slid past Fai’s tight entrance, deep inside of his passage and he cried out. Under his thoughts of love and desperate need, Fai prayed that the end of the week would never come. He kicked off his jeans, not caring where they landed. His hands, shaking with suppressed emotion, barely managed to unzip Wufei’s own jeans, shocked at how hard Wufei’s own penis already was, but it had been a long time for both of them.  
    “Lubricant?” Fai choked out as he felt Wufei’s thumb rub relentlessly along the slit of his cock, spreading the leaking pre-cum over his fingers and the fact head. His need to feel Wufei’s cock inside of his body pulsed in an intense heat in his thighs, genitals, and gut. This was what his father was trying to deny him, this passion? He couldn’t give this up, for anything. He couldn’t think of why Wufei would have lubrication, but whether he did or not, he was going to make love to him, even if it hurt. To his astonishment, Wufei dug a tube of lube out of his pocket.   
    “How?” he asked, his breath coming out in heavy pants as Wufei slipped another finger inside of him, his arousal doing a decent job of relaxing his muscles for him.  
    “It’s Quatre and Trowa’s,” Wufei said with a deep blush, studying Fai’s flushed, pleasurable expression with a feeling of love and awe. He remembered how Quatre had slipped the tube to him when they had been changing for gym. The blonde had told him that he would be needing it and if he needed anymore, he should just ask him or Trowa. It had been embarrassing, that Quatre would think he and Fai were going to have so much sex, they needed another tube, but he was grateful.   
    He and Fai had never been… sex crazed, but they were healthy teenagers and it felt so good, just to be together this way. He rolled them over so Fai was lying down and he was hovering above him, so they could watch each other more easily. It was a guilty pleasure of Wufei’s, to watch Fai’s expressions as he made love to him. He pushed the longhaired boy’s shirt up, his fingers rubbed at Fai’s lightly colored nipples and he leaned down to lick at one of them, loving the soft feel and taste of his lover’s skin.  
    Fai gasped at the contact, spreading his legs as he felt Wufei’s hand find his entrance again and he slid two inside again, this time slick with lube that Fai hadn’t seen him use.  
    “I had forgotten how soft you are down here,” Wufei murmured, his fingers stroking Fai’s insides. Fai looked up at him with half-lidded amber eyes. He wrapped his legs around Wufei’s waist, drawing him closer to him, slid his hand in between their bodies, finding Wufei’s wet erection. He shifted his body to rub his own cock against his lover’s, both lengths slick with pre-cum. Wufei groaned, closing his eyes in pleasure as he felt Fai’s rounded head slide and rub against his sensitive flesh. He could feel his testicles press against his own, through his boxers, sending jolts of pleasure through him.  
    “I need…” he managed to gasp out, his fingers slipping from his lover to grab at his thin hips.  
    “I’m ready,” Fai told him, their glazed eyes meeting. Wufei nodded. He used his hand to guide the head of his cock to Fai’s slightly loosened entrance and pressed against it. Fai squeezed his eyes tightly closed as he felt Wufei’s hot length start to push inside his body. Ever since he had offered up his virginity to Wufei over a year ago, he had always expected there to be a terrible pain, but there never was. Some soreness, but never pain.  
    Wufei bit back a cry as his cock was squeezed by tight, silky flesh that radiated heat. He loved this feeling… some times he thought he could stay inside his boyfriend forever and never get enough. How could anyone use this and turn it into something wrong and twisted? He suddenly realized Duo’s pain more than he ever did. He had never known this… happiness. What he knew of sex was that it hurt and was disgusting, he didn’t know how good it could feel. How could he live that way?  
    Fai panted heavily ash e felt Wufei’s wonderful length slip out of him a little, only to thrust back inside of him, sending huge shocks of pleasure through him. He arched his back and his hands gripped at the sheets under his body. He could feel Wufei’s weight pushing down on him and his arms wrapping around his arched back, pulling him into his arms.  
    Fai rested his head against Wufei’s shoulder and let out a soft cry as he felt the thick rod inside of him slide in deeper at the shift of position. Wufei’s arms remained around him, cuddling him as he thrust inside of him over and over. He followed his lover’s rhythm, moving his body with him.  
    Fai’s flushed, needy body pressed against Wufei’s fully clothed one, his jeans rubbing against his bare lower body. The taller boy’s cock was relentless, pushing and rubbing inside of him, not giving him a single chance to catch his breath, making him want to scream and plead with Wufei to slow down or he was going to climax too soon.  
    Wufei could feel that he was losing himself in Fai’s hot insides, his thrusts becoming faster and more desperate. Keeping one arm around Fai’s sweaty back, his shirt sticking to his skin, Wufei wrapped his free hand around his lover’s erection, stroking it roughly. The familiar grip made Fai’s muscles tighten, his entire body reacting to the stimulation and pleasure making him moan loudly.  
It had been too long and after a few strokes, Fai gave out a keening cry and let go, climaxing harshly, his cum spilling over Wufei’s hand. Wufei’s arm tightened around his lover as Fai trembled in his grip, thrusting deeper and deeper inside of him. Fai’s insides clenched at him, driving him into a startling orgasm that sent white lights shooting through his vision. Wufei’s back became rigid as his semen filled his lover’s passage.  
    Wufei lied the two of them down on the bed, feeling his cum slipping out of Fai, but refused to slip out of him so soon, even to clean up. His post-climatic bliss was cut short as he felt Fai shaking and his shirt became wet with his tears.  
    “Did I hurt you?!” Wufei demanded, trying to pull out of his boyfriend, but Fai kept his legs tight around his waist, keeping him from moving out of him.  
    “No! It… it was wonderful,” he sniffed. Wufei looked him in the eye and saw that his amber eyes were still slightly glazed with pleasure, but also with a great sadness.  
    “I just… I don’t want to go home,” he said mournfully.  
    “We still have five days until you have to go,” Wufei tried to soothe him, but he understood the desire to not let go of his lover.  
    “Yes, then I have to go home and leave behind everything that I love,” Fai said bitterly, “I just want to be with you, forever, I don’t care where I am, I just want that.”  
    Wufei let Fai curl against him like a child, finding it hard to say words that would comfort the both of them.  
    “I love you,” he said passionately, “And I will find a way to be with you. I won’t let anyone take this away from us.”  
    If there was something Duo’s plight had made him realize, it was how precious happiness was, that it was something worth fighting for, even if it was small and complicated. His clan would call what they had just done, the sex, the need for each other and only each other, something that was wrong, and he refused to feel that way. He refused to let them make him feel like Duo, confused about what he really wanted.  
    “We’ll be together,” Wufei promised, but didn’t feel nearly as sure as he sounded.  
  
End part 17  
  



	38. Surgery Part 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fai and Wufei hang out with the others at their home. Iria comes to take the kittens. Name tries to solve Fai and Wufei's communication problem. Fai and Duo bond over Shei.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 18  
    “Wow,” Fai murmured as he got out of Heero’s car after he parked it in his driveway. The Yuy house was… impressive, yet it wasn’t. It was much bigger than Wufei’s house, everything looked perfect and beautiful, but it wasn’t even close as to what he had been expecting. It wasn’t a mansion, just a house, but a very nice, expensive looking house.  
    “That’s what I thought when I first saw it,” Duo said with a small, fond smile as he looked at the building, slinging his book bag over his shoulder, “and now it’s home.”  
    Duo seemed to be less somber today, as though he had put Wufei’s words from last night behind him, but Fai was sure that he hadn’t. He believed that Duo was a person that often hid how he was feeling with either silence or a smile. When Duo looked at the house, he seemed so… affectionate and Fai realized that this place was everything to the other boy, his sanctuary. He couldn’t imagine having such problems that he would consider something as simple as a house with such a reverence. He wondered what it took to be in Duo’s inner circle, to know why he looked so sad and old all the time, and he was positive now that there was more to it than his father abandoning him.  
    Heero unlocked the door and led the group of boys inside, Fai and Wufei trailing behind Quatre and Trowa hesitantly. Duo seemed to instinctively know what they were doing and turned to give them a reassuring smile.   
    “It’s ok,” he assured them, “Name isn’t even home yet. She’s in Bangor at some sort of conference and won’t be in until four or five.”  
    Heero glanced back at Duo and Fai was momentarily taken back by the softness of his expression. He had only known the Japanese teenager a few days, but in that time, he seemed so closed off and cold, but when he looked at Duo, all sorts of emotions flitted to the surface, naked to anyone looking. It was an amazing thing to watch and it made Fai wonder what sort of horrible thing had happened to make him and Duo stop talking to each other. Hadn’t Wufei said they were best friends?  
    “You’re one to talk,” Heero murmured to Duo, his voice small and soft, as though he was nervous just speaking to the violet-eyed boy, “Remember the first time you came to sleep over? You were so scared, I had to drag you into the house, you wouldn’t even move on your own.”  
    Duo blushed and looked at the floor, but his lips twitched into a fond, reminiscent smile and he put his hand on the wall of the front hallway where they had all gathered, running his fingers over its surface with affection.  
    “Yeah,” he said, his voice almost as soft as Heero’s, “At that moment, it was the happiest day of my life. I was so scared… of your mother’s money, or her ability to hurt me, of making you ashamed of me, but mostly… I was terrified of losing you, of losing the only good thing that’s ever happened to me. Of course I remember… and when I almost lost you later, that hurt more than anything Wes could ever do to me.”  
    Something seemed to click between the two boys and the rest of them held their breath, feeling something powerful in the air around them as Heero and Duo finally, after so long, made eye contact with each other. Without even realizing it, Heero and Duo suddenly made a choice. Their friends weren’t quite sure who broke the contact first, Heero, who turned to lead them towards the steps, or Duo, who looked down again. Even Fai, who had no idea why their sudden notice of each other was so wonderful, felt a deep pain when it ended and they followed Heero down the hall towards Name’s room wordlessly.  
    “Um, why are we going into your mother’s room?” Quatre suddenly questioned.  
    “Fai wanted to see the kittens,” Heero pointed out, “Besides, isn’t there something you need to tell Duo?”   
    Quatre blushed. Duo looked at him, one eyebrow raised in question.  
    “My sister is coming today for the kittens,” Quatre said, ashamed that he had waited so long to tell Duo. He knew how much Duo loved his cats, so, even though Duo had had no intention of keeping the kittens, he had hesitated in telling him he was going to have to give them up so soon.  
    “Iria called this morning,” Quatre told him nervously, “She said that today was the best day for her, since she has nothing important going on, but Dad’s in a meeting and she doesn’t want him to know that she’s meeting with me… I’m so sorry, Duo, I should have told you the moment I got her call and asked if it was ok…”  
    “It’s fine, at least I have time to say good bye to them, and I get to meet your sister!” Duo said with a grin. Trowa shook his head.  
    “You’re too forgiving. You’re not even going to make him grovel a little?” Trowa teased.  
    “Hey!” Quatre snapped at his lover. Heero rolled his eyes at his friend’s antics and opened the bedroom door. Fai right away gravitated to the large basket where Patches and her numerous kittens were, some of them curled up against their mother, some of them playing with various toys or each other. Patches’ ears perked up as she saw Duo approach her and leapt out of the basket, running towards him.  
    “Hey, sweetie,” Duo greeted her, scooping the calico into his arms like she was an infant. Patches purred loudly, lying lax in his safe embrace as he cradled her. Duo watched with an amused smile as Fai knelt down by the basket and tentatively reached his hand, palm up, to the kittens.  
    The kittens, though they were obviously bigger than they had been, were still pretty small and didn’t have the motor skills that their mother did. Duo had tried not to spend too much time playing with them, scared that he would become too attached, like he had with their littermate and his other cats and their parting would be too painful, but he still felt sad that he couldn’t keep them. He had been around stray felines enough to know that Patches wouldn’t be heartbroken at their departure, but watching the little creatures romp with each other and stare up at the humans with curious eyes, he felt far from happy that he had to give them away.  
    Fai watched with wide, amazed eyes as a tiny, female calico stumbled towards him and sniffed his hand, batting at his fingers. Interested in the human and wanting to play and explore, she tried to climb into his hand, licking his fingers. Fai gently picked her up and nuzzled her white head. The kitten looked a little like her mother. She was mostly white, though her paws and the tips of her ears were black, like she was wearing mittens, and her tail was a light copper brown with black spots, the copper traveling up, following the line of her spine and ending at her shoulders. Like her mother, her eyes were a brilliant blue.  
    “She’s so sweet,” Fai said happily, smiling brightly as the kitten rubbed her head against his chin and mewed. Duo caught the warm smile that Wufei wore as he watched his lover.  
    Quatre followed Fai’s move and picked up the tiger-striped kitten he planned on keeping. Patches watched them from Duo’s arms, making sure that the humans weren’t going to hurt her babies. Duo mused that, as mother cats went, Patches wasn’t very protective of her kittens, but she wasn’t apathetic, either. Duo had seen some mothers try to claw the eyes out of anything that so much as looked at their litter and others that had abandoned their kittens the moment they were born. He had always felt horrible about the abandoned babies, but he couldn’t feed every stray cat he found, he knew that. He knew how it felt anyway, suddenly realizing your mother was nowhere to be found and you were alone, struggling to take care of yourself. In the end, hadn’t that been what he was? Just a stray cat that Heero, in an act of kindness that Duo still didn’t understand, had taken in and cared for…  
    “What are you going to name her?” Duo asked Quatre as the blonde petted the kitten’s back.  
    “Would it be too geeky if I called her ‘Maya’?” Quatre wondered.   
    “That means something like ‘wonderful’ or ‘great’, right?” Duo asked, “If that’s true, it suits her. She’s my gift to you and I hope she makes you happy, because I trust you to take care of her, but it’s also a cute name.”  
    Quatre beamed like a sun at Duo’s mention of trusting him. Trowa and Heero were the only people who had ever trusted him before…  
    “It’s also a popular cat name in Japan,” Heero chimed in, “In Hansai, ‘Yamamaya’ means Jungle Cat and with her tiger stripes she kind of looks a little bit like an Iriomote cat.”  
    “Well, why don’t we take ‘Maya’ and that one,” Trowa nodded his head towards the calico that Fai was holding, “Upstairs to Duo’s room. He can show Wufei and Fai how to play some of his video games and I’ll get us some snacks. We don’t need to start dinner until Name comes home. In the meantime, we can fool around, maybe get some homework done.”  
    “That’s fine,” Duo said, letting Patches down, “But shouldn’t Heero or I get the snacks?”  
    “Quatre and I live here, too,” Trowa pointed out dryly, “It won’t kill me to do a little work.”  
    Duo shrugged and led the way to his room. Fai cradled his kitten close to him as they walked up the stairs, feeling bad about separating the calico from her brothers and sisters, but she didn’t seem to mind. Besides, he missed Jún and he didn’t mind playing with the cute little kitten, he was just honored that Duo would trust him with her.  
    The Yuy household was so clean and perfect, yet clearly lived in; Fai was amazed that they didn’t have any maids or butlers. They could certainly afford it, but the absence of any staff made him respect Name, and her well kept home, even more. Duo’s room, however, made it clear to Fai that it was Duo’s and no one else’s. It wasn’t messy and he hadn’t expected it to be, but it was still completely different from the rest of the house. The art posters on the wall and the book case filled with novels and classics spoke to Fai of someone who had a great deal of pride in reading and education, but the abundant movies and video game systems screamed ‘teenager’. The cleanliness of the room and the star designed blankets told Fai that the room’s owner was someone who had turned this room into their sanctuary and thus, was taking great care in it. In other words, the space was Duo personified.  
    A black cat leapt off the bed and bounded over to Duo, rubbing against his leg.  
    “Hey, Shiva,” Duo said, leaning down so she could jump onto his shoulder. Fai smiled at Duo’s affectionate look as he stroked the cat’s ears and she rubbed her head against his cheek. Lounging on the desk was a cat that looked more like an Iriomote cat than Maya ever could, but wasn’t paying much attention to them, simply glancing over with golden eyes. The tawny cat on the bed, however, was glaring at them, looking like a cougar ready to defend his den.  
    “Um, Duo?” Fai squeaked, realizing that he was being silly, afraid of a cat, but then again, said cat kept staring at him like he was a mouse.  
    “Oh, don’t mind him. Toby, off the bed,” Duo ordered. The tom flicked his tail at him in annoyance and haughtily, with a great deal of attitude, but also a lot of grace, smoothly jumped from the bed to the window sill, an impressive feat.  
    “He’s as well-trained as a dog,” Wufei mused. Toby glared at him, but Fai couldn’t tell if it was because of the comment or just because Wufei was a stranger.  
    “He’s not trained,” Duo scoffed, as though he were telling a child that the sky was indeed blue, “He’s just very smart and well-behaved.”  
    Toby seemed to give them a smug look, making Wufei wonder if the large cat could understand them.  
    “He doesn’t bite, does he?” Fai asked, still nervous.  
    “Sometimes,” Duo admitted, “He’s still kind of feral, but he knows that I’ll be mad with him if he bites someone I like. Just don’t hit me or step on his tail.”  
    Both of the Chinese boys glanced over at the Javanese, wondering if Duo was joking, but the cat’s constant stare told them differently. The five of them clustered around the bed as Duo turned on the console and started up a fighting game that they could all play. As he was explaining to Fai, who had never played a video game before, how to work the controller, Trowa came in with the snacks.  
Heero thought that watching Duo show Fai how to play was strange. It had seemed like forever since he had been the one to teach Duo how to play, though he knew it had only been a few months, not even half a year. That time, before he had known about Duo’s past, seemed so far away, ancient, and it made him hurt. Back then, there had been so much… stuff between them, but at least they had been speaking to each other. Wufei, Quatre, and Trowa were right. What was the point of this? He just felt that his and Duo’s friendship was stuck, stagnating. This had to stop, somehow. Either they had to return things back to normal, or break it off altogether. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to lose Duo, and now he knew that Duo was still scared of losing him, too. He had to do something, he knew that, but he was scared himself.  
    Video games were kind of fun, Fai thought, though they fell on his father’s list of things that were frivolous and wrong. Actually, Fai suspected bitterly, that they were so fun was the reason why his father had denied their use in his house. However, he wasn’t very good at them and he quickly surrendered his controller to Trowa to play against Duo. It was more entertaining watching the two boys play, especially when they gave up the fighting game for a more story-based horror game. Their glee for the game, and their experienced playing, made it more fun than his clumsy button pushing.   
    They played, switching turns, and chatted about nothing, silly things, for another hour before they heard the door open downstairs. Wufei and Fai shared an anxious look realizing that it had to be Heero’s mother.  
    “Come on,” Wufei urged, though he wasn’t feeling very brave. Duo and Fai had confessed to being scared of Name’s power, but Wufei felt that he was the only one who had a good reason to be scared of her. Duo had kept secrets from Heero, but any rage Name could have possibly felt at his actions had, obviously, vanished when he had almost died in the hospital and he had told her the truth. She had absolutely no reason to not like Fai, but after what he had said to Duo after his confession…  
    Heero and Duo raced down the steps with Trowa and Quatre following them more sedately, Trowa shaking his head at the younger boys’ actions. They caught Name in the hallway, her back to them as she talked to someone that they couldn’t see. She turned and raised an eyebrow at them.  
    “I’m sorry, were you raised in a barn?” she scolded Heero.  
    “Sorry,” he mumbled.  
    “Oh, really? And what if Duo had fallen on the steps? Did you think of that?” she prodded. Trowa smirked. Name, like any good mother, had correctly pinpointed Duo as Heero’s one true weakness and wasn’t afraid to stab at it.  
    “But, it wasn’t Heero’s fault that I was running,” Duo protested. After his surgery, he wasn’t very confident about his side. He didn’t know if it was primarily a psychological reaction to the injury, or the surgery had made him physically unbalanced, but he was clumsier than he had been and as a result, Name always ended up worried about him falling. He hated that she had to worry about stuff like that, just like how he hated that he was weak to begin with.  
    “Just don’t run up and down the steps anymore, ok? Save me a heart attack,” she pleaded.  
    Movement behind her gained their attentions and a tall woman, looking about Name’s age or a bit younger, stepped around her. Despite her height and her darker features, with her short, dark blonde hair, pale skin, and dark blue eyes, Duo realized who she was right away.  
    “Iria!” Quatre exclaimed, hugging the older woman tightly. She eagerly hugged him back.  
    “Quatre,” she breathed, “It’s been awhile,” she pulled him off of her to get a good look at him.  
    “You look well,” she smiled, “Much better than the last time we saw each other.”  
    From behind Duo, Trowa shifted nervously. This was the first time he had met any of Quatre’s family and he wondered how she would receive him. What if she hated him and alienated Quatre because of it? He wasn’t worried that Quatre would break their relationship because of it, but he never wanted to be the one to cause Quatre pain. He suddenly felt very alone and fought the urge to grab on to Duo’s braid or shirt, the one person who he could relate to, who wouldn’t condemn him, but wasn’t he supposed to be the one protecting Duo? Then again, they could protect each other, right? He just wanted to grab Quatre and demand to know that things would never change between them.   
    “It’s wonderful to see you!” Quatre said, and how happy he sounded at seeing his sister made Trowa feel ashamed, “I thought I would have to go back home just to see you!”   
    “And you won’t come home?” Iria asked sadly.  
    “Not unless Father is willing to see reason,” Quatre said coldly, his statement more a question. Iria shook her head.  
    “Father and I haven’t seen eye to eye since I helped you leave. My only consolation is the knowledge that you are happy. You are happy, aren’t you?” she asked hopefully.  
    Quatre nodded.  
    “You know I am. I always say so in my letters. It’s a good thing you don’t live in the main house with Father or we would never be able to communicate,” he said.  
    “No,” Iria said with a shake of her head, her short, wavy, dark blonde hair brushing against her fair cheeks, “I don’t think Father would keep us from speaking. You may have not seen him in awhile, but you remember how impossible it is to hide anything from him. He probably knows we are writing to each other at the very least. Now, who is who?” her intelligent, navy eyes moved from boy to boy, finally falling on Heero and Duo.  
    “You must be Duo and Heero,” she shook their hands respectively.  
    “That’s right. It’s nice to meet you,” Duo said politely, “Thanks for offering to take the kittens.”  
    “No problem,” Iria assured him, “Quatre has told me about your hardships, but also how kind you have been to him and how accepting you are of his relationship.”  
    Duo and Quatre simultaneously blushed.  
    “I’m sorry,” Quatre apologized.  
    “It’s ok,” Duo assured him, “She’s your sister, so I trust her. What happened to me happened, maybe it’s a good thing if I stop hiding it from everyone. It doesn’t help, pretending those things never happened, it never has. It only makes me feel more ashamed.”  
    “Quatre’s right, you are far too mature for your age,” Iria said sadly. Duo bit off his protests at that, knowing that it was true.     Everything he had seen and learned during his childhood had destroyed any chance he could have had at maintaining his ignorance, optimism, and naïveté. Iria looked at Trowa and smiled brightly.  
    “And you must be Trowa. I’ve wanted to meet you ever since Quatre told me he had fallen in love,” she confessed.  
    Trowa blushed, something that happened so rarely, Quatre stared at him in astonishment.  
    “Thank you for helping Quatre leave. If it hadn’t been for your help, he would have been miserable and we never would have ended up together,” Trowa said in a clipped tone, “But I would be a fool if I assumed that that meant you approved of our relationship, or of me.”  
    “And if I said I didn’t approve?” Iria asked in amusement.   
    “I would say that I love your brother very much, just as much now as when he felt the need to run away from home. I would be sad if you couldn’t accept me as his boyfriend, because that would hurt Quatre. But, in reality, it wouldn’t change anything for me. Regardless of his family situation, I love Quatre and that isn’t going to change,” Trowa put a hand on Quatre’s shoulder and the blonde looked up at him with adoration and love.  
    “Trowa…” he murmured, “I love you, too. Even if my entire family hates you and me for loving you, I will always choose you over them, even if it costs my sisters and father, and my inheritance. I want to be your boyfriend; you gave me strength to stand up for myself. That’s more important to me than ‘being a good son’. Because of you… I finally feel proud of myself. I’m not just the Winner Heir; I’m someone who believes in his life, and his feelings.”  
    Iria ruffled her little brother’s golden hair, which Quatre bore with an annoyed expression.  
    “Well said,” she said with respect, “And you’re right. I would have helped Quatre whether or not I approved of his choices, because I knew that the best thing for him was to leave. However, I’m willing to accept him for who he is. That’s why I agreed to come here. I wanted to see if Quatre was really happy, if his choices are the right ones, if Father’s prejudices were correct or not. I can’t say I disapprove of homosexuals, but this is my baby brother, so I had to know…”  
    “And what have you found out?” Quatre asked, “You never said you disapproved, I know you don’t, and can’t you see that Father is wrong? My love for Trowa is not a sin. You have always been a great source of support for me. Please, don’t take that away from me.”  
    Iria matched his annoyed look.  
    “Of course I won’t, silly boy,” she scolded, “I came here to meet your boyfriend and to be sure you’re being taken care of, not to force you to sever all ties to your family. Trowa is lovely and I can tell he is in love with you, too. I only wish I could make Father see that this is the true path for you. It makes you happy, and right now, in your youth, that is the most important thing. There will be plenty of time to fight over the future of Winner Enterprises when you are older.”  
    Quatre smiled gratefully at her. At this point in his life, he wasn’t even sure that he wanted to take over the family business. It was his duty, a position any sane person would be chomping at the bit to have. It would give him power, wealth, and respect. Besides, it was something he would be good at, given his intelligence and training in business and negotiation at such a young age. These were things that he had been told over and over again by his father, sisters, teachers, and advisors, but they weren’t good enough reasons for him, they never had been. He was positive he would be great at the job, but to take it would mean he would have to adhere to the hundreds of bylaws, which stated that he had to produce an heir, which meant he had to marry, or surrender the position to the next male in line, which was no one. Trowa would either be forbidden to be near him or treated like his concubine. Even if he rewrote the laws his ancestors had written, Trowa would still be hated by his family and employees. He didn’t want to live that way and he especially didn’t want Trowa to live like that. But, if he didn’t take up after his father, who else could? Still, his father was healthy and cautious; it was like his sister said he had a good long while before he had to worry about it.   
    “Thank you, Iria, for accepting my choices,” he said. Trowa nodded his agreement.  
    “It means a lot to Quatre, so it means a lot to me,” the Italian said.  
    Name watched all of this with a soft smile. She was glad that Quatre had at least someone from his family to talk to. When she had met the woman on her doorstep, she had worried about the sort of turmoil she would cause, but it seemed like she had had nothing to worry about. Name knew the uncertainties that Quatre had about controlling Winner Enterprises. She had never agreed with his father’s personal ideals and practices, even though their companies had contracts together. She was just glad that her own company had no such rules about who should lead it. Traditionally, it had always been, until her, the oldest male child, but ultimately, it was the current owner’s decision. Secretly, Name had always hoped that Heero would decide to decline. She loved her son and she knew that he would be miserable at the job. With his temper and quick to impatience, he was ill-suited to negotiations and meetings. At least Quatre was good at it. Besides, now that Duo was a part of the family, she hoped that Heero would choose a less stressful future, and a less time consuming one.  
    Name finally noticed Fai standing next to Wufei, watching all of this with curiosity and anxiety. She walked up to him, gaining his attention and stretched out her hand to shake his.  
    “You must be Fai. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Name Yuy, but please just call me Name. The only people who call me Mrs. Yuy are the people I do business with and people I don’t like. I don’t think I’m going to dislike you,” she said cheerfully. Fai stared at her with wide eyes, unable to believe the powerful woman was being so… casual with him.  
    “It’s a pleasure,” he said hesitantly. The Head of Yuy Corporation was being nicer to him than his own mother had ever been. Name’s black eyes fell on Wufei and he felt a chill go down his spine.  
    “Mrs. Yuy,” he murmured. She had made it abundantly clear the last time they had spoken that she certainly didn’t like him. She smirked at him.  
    “Wufei, I chewed you out once, there’s no need for me to do it a second time unless you’re too stubborn or too stupid to learn from your mistakes. Are you?” she asked in a piercing tone. Wufei shook his head quickly. “I didn’t think so. According to Heero and Duo, you’ve changed considerably and have been a good friend to them. So, I see no reason for us to be cold to each other. Do you understand?” she said, giving him an amused look.   
    She meant what she said. Name didn’t regret what she had said to him in the hospital, though she knew that she had been harsh to the boy. What he had said to Duo, during a very bad point in Duo’s life, had been much worse. However, Duo had confessed that Wufei had profusely apologized to him for it several times and he had forgiven him, so why should she still hold a grudge? Duo didn’t often get angry, or want revenge, but he also didn’t forgive someone unless he was being completely sincere in his forgiveness.  
    “Yes, Name,” Wufei replied, feeling weird about calling her by her first name. He felt like he was disrespecting someone that definitely deserved to be respected. It seemed so backwards, he had been taught that calling someone, especially an adult, by their first name was shameful, but she had told him to call her ‘Name’, so wouldn’t he be disrespecting her by calling her by her surname?  
    “Good,” as Name turned to Duo, Wufei and Fai were shocked at how soft and affectionate her tone became, “Duo, honey, why don’t you show Iria to the kittens so she can be on her way? We’re going to have a turkey pot pie today since it’s a bit cold out still. I’ve already made the crust and some of the gravy, but you can help me with the rest when you’re done so we can eat soon.”  
    Duo nodded eagerly.  
    “Okay,” he said brightly, leading them all down the hall. Name ruffled his hair in passing as she went into the kitchen, but Wufei realized that Duo wasn’t annoyed by it, it actually seemed to make him happier.  
    ‘She really is Duo’s mother,’ Wufei thought in shock. He knew that Duo respected Name a great deal for taking him in, but the violet-eyed boy actually loved her, and even more shocking, Name loved him, too. Iria seemed to see it, too, and watched Duo with a mix of fondness and amusement as they went into Name’s room.   
    “Oh, they’re darling!” she exclaimed as she kneeled down by the basket. Patches seemed irritated by the constant flow of strangers, but when she saw Duo amongst them, she settled down, realizing that they were safe. Duo stopped walking towards the cats as he felt Wufei tug on his shirt.  
    “I’ve been meaning to ask,” Wufei whispered so no one else could hear, “Can I keep one of the kittens?” he asked shyly, blushing.     Duo gave him a knowing smile. He had seen the way his friend had looked at Fai earlier, when he had been playing with the calico. He knew exactly which kitten Wufei wanted and his heart warmed at the sweet gesture. This was what he wanted, someone who cared about him enough to catch little things, like Fai’s affection for the kitten. It was such a small thing, a small moment, but Wufei had picked up on it immediately. He nodded to him and Wufei relaxed.  
    “Are there only four?” Iria asked, “Quatre mentioned seven.”  
    Fai opened his mouth to mention the kitten he had left upstairs, though he, selfishly, didn’t want to, but Duo interrupted him.   
    “We found homes for three of them, so it’s just the four,” Duo told her. Fai looked at him in confusion.  
    “You know someone who will take good care of them, right?” Duo asked nervously.  
    “Don’t worry,” the tall blonde assured him, “I… can’t have any children, nor do I wish to marry just for the company. However, my place is large, I have the money to take care of all of them, and I love cats. I’m lonely all alone in my home and I’m sure I can take care of only the four.”  
    Duo let go of his fears that the babies might be abandoned, neglected, or abused. Iria seemed so nice and she was eager to take them. Besides, Quatre vouched for her and he trusted Quatre. He knelt down to stroke Patches’ ears.  
    “I’m sorry, Patches, but you’re going to have to say goodbye to them and it looks like you’ll be sleeping in my room again. There’s no need to separate you from the other cats anymore,” Duo said mournfully. Originally, they had decided to put Patches and the kittens in Name’s room to give her space and to keep the other cats from attacking the kittens. However, Patches would be lonely now and Duo missed her.   
    Patches seemed completely unconcerned by all of this and simply jumped into Duo’s lap, purring loudly. With Iria petting any kitten that got within range of her fingers, the kittens didn’t seem to care, either, not even crying for their mother. At this stage of their development, the kittens could survive on bottled milk and solid food; they only really needed attention and play, which they got from each other, so they really didn’t need their mother anymore.  
Iria carefully picked up the basket and walked out of the room, patiently listening to Duo tell her what food they liked and their different personalities. His concern for the kittens was quite endearing, Iria thought. He was a lot like Quatre, kind and a worry-wart, she could see how they got along so well.  
    “Bye, Name,” she called as she went past the kitchen. Name who was busy chopping carrots and cooking peas, waved at her. Quatre hugged his sister when they got to the door, awkwardly trying not to disturb the basket filled with kittens and toys. Iria vowed to buy them some carriers and blankets before she caught her flight.  
    “I wish you could stay longer,” Quatre said sadly.  
    “I know,” she said, hugging him with her free arm, “I’ll try to see you soon.”   
    She said her goodbyes to the other boys and left. Trowa hugged Quatre from behind, feeling his lover’s tension.  
    “You can call her when she lands and I’m sure you’ll see her again soon,” Trowa tried to assure him. Quatre nodded half-heartedly.  
    “Can you take her?” Duo handed Patches to Quatre, hoping that she could cheer the blonde up as he ran to the kitchen to help with dinner. Patches curled up against the short boy’s chest, making Quatre smile down at her.   
    “I’ll put her upstairs, why don’t you help Duo?” he asked Trowa. Trowa and Heero left them and Wufei, Fai, and Quatre went back to Duo’s room.  
    Quatre let Patches down and Shiva immediately ran over to her sister. Quatre and Fai smiled as the two cats rubbed their heads against each other in greeting. Wufei saw the calico kitten curled up with Sammy on Duo’s pillows and picked her up, presenting her to Fai, who was watching him with confusion and surprise.   
    “Happy anniversary,” Wufei said with a deep blush. Quatre was torn between not wanting to make any noises and leaving to give them some privacy. Fai took the kitten from him with shaky hands, cuddling her to his chest, overwhelmed with emotion.   
    “’Fei,” he whispered.  
    “I know,” Wufei said sheepishly, “Our two year anniversary isn’t for three more weeks, but you’ll be in China. I wanted to give you something special, but I don’t have any money and I know you like cats and plants more than jewelry… I know you are still mad at me, but I didn’t want you to leave without some sort of reminder of how much I love you-,”  
    Fai silenced his lover’s ramblings with a passionate kiss. Quatre quickly looked away. The kitten looked back and forth between the two boys, mewing in confusion.  
    “Hush,” Fai ordered when they parted, “I know how much you love me, just because you’ve stuck by me for two years, and I love my present. I just wish I had a present for you…”  
    “That you’ve decided not to break up with me after what I did is enough,” Wufei mused. Quatre discreetly snuck out the door, blushing. Did he and Trowa look like that so close and brimming with love? At least, since they were in Duo’s room, they wouldn’t do anything…  
    Sure enough, as Quatre got to the kitchen, he heard the two of them come down the stairs after them. The pie was already in the oven and Duo was looking after the peas, which were his favorite vegetables.  
    “Fai, are there any vegetables you like?” Name asked as Trowa and Heero finished setting the table.  
    “Anything you make, I’ll eat,” he told her.  
    “Well, we have peas and carrots, plus the pie, mashed potatoes, and homemade rolls. We also have milk, water, soda, or tea. I think you’d want the green tea, unless I’m mistaken,” she asked.  
    Fai nodded eagerly.  
    “It’s not… store bought, is it?” he asked suspiciously. Name chuckled.  
    “No. I hate American tea. This is made from leaves I brought from Japan,” she told him, “American tea, at least the store stuff, is little more than tea-flavored juice. I’ll pour you, Quatre, and Wufei some. I know Duo, Trowa, and Heero will want milk.”  
    Fai sighed in relief. Finally, real tea! By the time all the drinks had been poured, the pie was ready and Name filled all their plates. Name gave Duo an odd look, which Fai struggled to decipher. Duo nodded and Name gave him more than the others, though Fai couldn’t figure out why. He greatly preferred this sort of meal to the take out they had had yesterday. Everything was homemade, looking, smelling, and tasting delicious. Even though he had never had turkey pot pie before, he liked it a lot more than the pizza.  
    “Your father called me yesterday,”” Name told Wufei as they ate, “He told me about your and Fai’s situation.”  
    Wufei groaned in embarrassment. His parents were just as stubborn as he was, unable to accept anything, but to call Name about it.  
    “Don’t be angry at him,” she soothed, “He just wants to see the two of you happy. Now, let me work this out. You have two problems. The two of you want to hear from each other and see each other more often, but Fai’s father doesn’t want him to have anything to do with Wufei. So, in order to solve these problems, Fai needs to find a way to get away from his father, or at least hide his actions, and he needs money to pay for plane tickets, is that right?”  
    Wufei and Fai nodded.  
    “It’s hard enough to hide from my father,” Fai admitted, “The only time I can do that is when I’m working or he’s working. I work in meat and packing plants, so I can’t get away to call ‘Fei, even if I had access to a phone, which I don’t. We are not allowed to use the phones, especially not long distance, and I have no money for a cell phone. I had to wait for time off during my father’s working hours just to come here, but now I will be in trouble for it. It will be hard to get away again and getting enough money to come here on its own is hard.”  
    “It’s probably premature, but I think I have a viable solution,” Name offered. Fai and Wufei stared at her, Duo smiling and Heero snorted, both thinking the same thing, that Name was incredible with finding solutions. She had solved so many of Duo’s problems; she just seemed to have a gift for it.  
    “How?” Wufei demanded eagerly. He would do anything to communicate with Fai, to see him more often.  
    “You can get a job at National Star Shipping. I know your town has a plant there. My company owns them and I’m friends with the manager. You can write Wufei letters and give them to him. They also pay very well and I can pay for the rest. Your father will just think you’ve gotten another job. As long as you pay for the ticket yourself and go when he’s working, there’s little he can do to stop you. If he makes too much trouble for you, just tell the manager and he’ll help you. He owes me.”  
    “But… why would you do so much to help us?” Fai whispered, tears in his eyes. Underneath the table, his hand gripped Wufei’s.  
    “It isn’t so much,” Name said kindly, “It is simply something I can do to help. Yuy Corporation makes the airplanes that both America and China uses, so getting tickets are easy. If something so small makes you happy…well, if I didn’t try to help, I wouldn’t be a very nice person, would I?”  
    A few tears escaped Fai’s amber eyes.  
    “See? I told you she’s a good person,” Duo whispered to him. Wufei stood and bowed to Name.  
    “Thank you,” he said sincerely, “I’ve hurt someone you love, but you’re still so kind to me…”  
    “Sit down, Wufei,” Name said softly, looking fondly at Duo, “I helped Duo because he needed me and he was in trouble. In turn, he’s shown me how important these little things are, that even though it isn’t a huge thing for me, I can make a world of difference.”  
    Duo blushed at her words. He had really made her realize such a thing?  
    ‘I’ll never be able to repay her, any of them,’ Fai realized, digging into his meal to hide his blush. Suddenly, Duo’s expression lightened, an idea coming to him.   
    “Hey, maybe when you’re old enough, you can get a green card and get a place with Wufei,” Duo told Fai, “You’re smart and your English is great, so it should be easy for you. You guys don’t care where you live as long as you’re together, right? America isn’t perfect, but you two probably have more freedom here. You could start fresh here, or somewhere else where no one could hate you for your relationship, though it’s easier to immigrate here…”  
    Fai beamed at Duo.  
    “I would love to live here, to be with ‘Fei and all of you…” he exclaimed.  
    “Even if you had to leave your family behind?” Quatre asked, thinking of his own situation. Fai nodded sadly.  
    “I’m the youngest of four boys,” he told them, “My family is lower class and we do not have much money, so I am more a burden than anything else for my parents. My father is strict. He hates that I am smaller than my brothers, that I am more interested in reading and gardening than construction, sports, or marrying into a wealthy family. My mother calls me stupid and foolish because I am not strong willed and ambitious like my brothers. My brothers bully me because I am not physically strong and I choose to wear my hair long, because I look too feminine to them. My father keeps me from seeing Wufei, not because he cares for me, but because he’s ashamed of me. Maybe I will miss them, but not nearly as much as I miss Wufei. He and his family have treated me better than my own family ever has.”  
    Everyone looked at him sadly. None of them had ever been treated like that by a family member. The only one that came close was Trowa’s uncle raping him. Heero had been treated coldly by his Uncle Mizu, but he saw him so rarely, it didn’t really matter to him. As Name’s only child, he had been doted on by grandparents on both sides, and especially his parents. Wes, though the only authoritative person in Duo’s childhood, no one but Duo would ever consider his father.   
    Trowa, despite being abused by his uncle and having no parents, was greatly loved by Catherine, his older sister. After witnessing the death of their parents, Catherine had become overprotective of Trowa, not wanting to lose what tiny family she had left. They had been poor, living out of a circus trailer, but Catherine had tried to give her baby brother everything he needed. After getting him back from their uncle and finding out what had happened to him, she had become even more protective to the point that Quatre had had a hard time proving his intentions to her.  
    Quatre had come fairly close to neglect in his childhood, but it hadn’t been because his family hadn’t liked him. With his father constantly busy and most of his sisters old enough to work for him, Quatre had been looked after by maids and teachers and had hardly ever seen his sisters or father. Truthfully, he had grown up lonely but, he thought that they all had, in their own way, been alienated from normalcy. Wufei from his culture, Trowa from kids his age, and, maybe, even his own sexuality until he had met Quatre, Quatre from his family, Heero from the entire normal world and eventually, alienated from a father’s presence, then finally, Duo… Duo had been alienated from people, from communication and affection, from all the good things Quatre could think of.  
    They finished their meal in silence, thinking of their childhoods and the trials they had faced or, in Duo’s case, trying not to think of those things. As they cleared the table, Duo approached Fai.  
    “If you’re serious about getting a green card, there are some books you can borrow,” Duo suggested, “If not, there are still some books I have that I think you’d be interested in.”  
    “Alright,” Fai smiled at him, “I’d love to.”  
    “I have to feed my kitten anyway,” Duo said, already getting out Shei’s milk and food.  
    “Kitten?” Fai asked. He hadn’t seen a kitten when they had been upstairs.  
    “I decided to keep one of Patches’ kittens, but Shei is a… special case,” Duo told him.  
    “I’d like to meet her,” Fai said eagerly.   
    They went back to Duo’s room, Duo placing the two bowls on the floor and he knelt to look under his bed.  
    “She was the runt of the litter, so until she can defend herself, I have to feed her separately or the adult cats will eat her food. She’s outgoing, but she also likes to hide in dark places,” Duo made a small whistling noise, “C’mon, Shei, dinner time!” he called.   
    A tiny black kitten darted out from under the bed and dove into Duo’s hand, mewing loudly. Wufei and Fai were both shocked at the gangly, limping creature, though her black fur looked well maintained.  
    “Good girl,” Duo praised her, gently placing her in front of the bowls. The kitten eagerly dug into her meal, a day of play stalking under the human’s bed making her hungry. Duo, after making sure that Shei was eating, he went to the bookcase and took out a few books.   
    “Your English is already impeccable,” Duo said to Fai, “but I have some books on English grammar you might like.”  
    Fai took the books from him.  
    “But why do you have these?” the amber-eyed boy asked.  
    “I grew up with little education,” Duo explained, “I had to teach myself most of what I know, including proper English, instead of slang, so there’re things I’ve missed because I never had books teaching me how to do those things. You can give them back to me when you visit again,” Duo said slyly. Fai bit back a smirk at Duo’s insinuation that he hoped Fai would be back.  
    “I’m sure you’ll be back soon,” Duo murmured, almost to himself. Fai silently agreed with him. The only thing keeping him from coming back was money; otherwise, he would come every month, every week.   
    Wufei kept his eye on the tiny kitten, watching her weak leg and moon-colored eye.  
    “What’s wrong with her?” he suddenly asked.  
    “Her leg muscles were underdeveloped, but all her playing, plus the medicine we give her, is strengthening it. We all thought her eye was blind, but it turns out she has a pigment mutation similar to mine, so, it’s just a different color. Her vet says that she should be much healthier when she hits four to five months,” Duo explained, feeling proud at Shei’s improvement.  
    “But… why?” Wufei asked in confusion, “You had your pick of six healthy kittens, why would you pick the smallest and weakest of all of them?”  
    Duo’s expression turned cold and haunted.  
    “It isn’t about the ‘best’ kitten, it’s about which one needed me the most,” he said flatly, almost bitterly. Wufei shook his head.  
    “I still don’t get why you would put your hopes in an animal that might die before it even becomes an adult! They’re all babies, so they all need you…”  
    Duo looked pained by Wufei’s words and Fai wanted to smack his boyfriend for his ignorance. Didn’t he get that Duo saw himself in the kitten? Duo clearly felt like everyone had given up on him, because he was different, before he had gotten the chance to even live, and that abandonment had hurt him a great deal, so how could he possibly allow for the kitten to go wanting for affection like he had? If he really felt that way, it was no wonder why Duo loved Name so much, the one person who had given him a chance. Fai put a hand on Duo’s arm.  
    “I get it,” Fai told Duo, “No one gets left behind.”  
    Duo’s deep violet eyes widened and pain struck at his heart. No one gets left behind… he had been left behind his entire life. No one cared, no one loved him. Abandoned, neglected, unloved… and yet, Name and Heero had understood, they had seen him, and now this boy, who he had only known for a few days, had gotten it, too. He hugged the other longhaired boy, startling Fai, but Fai seemed to understand this affection and gratitude, too, and hugged him back.  
    “I’m glad ‘Fei has you for a boyfriend,” Duo murmured, “and I’m glad that I had the opportunity to meet you and be your friend. You’re good for him and I don’t care what your parents say, you’re nice and kind and smart, that matters more than ambition or obedience.”  
    Fai was shocked by Duo’s words. Having lived most of his life with little or no friends at all, he understood what Duo was trying to say to him. Duo, like Fai, had never had many friends. In fact, he often looked at the small group of boys with wonder, making Fai consider that they might be Duo’s first, real friends. Duo was saying that though friendship was rare to him, he considered his companionship with Wufei, Quatre, Trowa, and Heero special, not because he was lonely, but because they were people he respected. Maybe that was one of the reasons why Duo had so few friends, because he couldn’t be so close to anyone unless he trusted them and found them to be good people. But… Duo had just said that they were friends…  
    Fai was nothing special; he had always known that about himself. It still shocked him that Wufei had found things in him to love when he couldn’t see anything at all. It was easy to understand Duo, though the violet-eyed boy had seemed impressed with it. Even without Wufei telling him so, and knowing everything about Duo’s past, Fai knew that the two of them were similar. They had both come from poor families and backgrounds, had lived isolated childhoods, and were still terribly lonely because of it. But, Duo was saying that it was more than that, he had called him kind. Such praise was alien to him, like friendship itself, and he found himself struggling to understand it, why someone like Duo could possibly want him for a friend.  
    “Are… are we really friends?” he asked in a small voice. Duo let go of him, looking him in the eye.  
    “Of course you are!” Quatre scolded before Duo could say anything, “It’s like Duo said. Sure, you’re Wufei’s boyfriend, so it would be awkward for us to not accept you, but you’re easy to get along with. You’re a good person; you’re certainly good for Wufei, so why wouldn’t we consider you a friend?”  
    “I’m not-,” Fai started to protest.  
    “You’re wonderful,” Wufei corrected, “You think that I love you just because you’re pretty and were available at the time? You know I’m not like that!”  
    Quatre and Trowa pointedly looked at Duo with smirks of irony.  
    “That was different!” Wufei snapped at them catching their exchange, “Duo’s definitely right,” he told Fai, “You’re smart. You got why Duo was upset long before I did and you barely know him. It’s no wonder why everyone says you’re good for me. This isn’t the first time I’ve said something insensitive and hurt him, but you know exactly what to say, you understood him. You know that I’m stubborn and have a temper, but you’re so kind and mellow, you even me out. You’re so patient with me… how could I not love you?”  
    “You’re welcome back here,” Heero spoke up in agreement, “Even if you aren’t with Wufei anymore, you’re still our friend and so you’ll always have a place here.”  
    “T-thank you,” Fai stammered. Wufei nudged him.  
    “It’s getting late,” he pointed out. Fai nodded and bowed to Heero, who blushed at the formal show of thanks.  
    “Thank you for your hospitality… and your friendship,” Fai said.  
    “It’s no big deal,” Heero said in embarrassment. The only other person who had thanked him so sincerely… was Duo. He had been bowed at before, but because he was a Yuy, not because he was friends with someone.  
    “Do you two need a ride back home?” he asked.  
    “I’ll just call my parents when we go outside. They both should be back from work by now,” Wufei told him. Fai picked up his kitten, that had jumped from the bed where Fai had put her when she had seen Shei and the pair of them had been playfully wrestling with each other.  
    “Tomorrow is the start of the weekend, isn’t it?” Fai asked shyly. Back home, they had classes Saturday, but Wufei had told him that Friday’s, after classes were over, were considered the start of the weekend in America and he didn’t have any school on Saturday and Sunday.  
    “Yes,” Quatre said with a grin, “and only Duo has plans.”  
    “I have to work tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday night,” the American said. His words sounded like they would be spoken with a groan, but Fai noted that he actually sounded happy about working. He wondered where the other boy worked, since all of Fai’s jobs were nothing to be happy about. He kept miserable hours in places that often were very cold or very hot and felt very stressful.  
    “We can go to the movies Saturday before Duo goes to work,” Wufei suggested to Fai, who seemed excited by the idea of going to an American movie theater. Sure, they had a small one back home, but he never had the money to go and the best movies came from America, so he wanted to see what it was like.  
    “But you’re going back Monday morning, right?” Duo asked, “I don’t want to eat into your time with Wufei.”  
    “Its fine,” Fai assured him, “I want to see more of the town while I can and I can spend the evenings with Wufei.”  
    “I’ll look up movies tonight,” Trowa told them, “Then Wufei and you can decide tomorrow.”  
    Plans made, the two Chinese boys said their goodbyes to the boys and Heero’s mother, who wrote down the name of the NSS plant and the owner’s name for Fai. Outside, though Name had been right that the air was a little chilly, the beginning of spring air was vastly different from the winter they had just had. To Wufei, who disliked the cold, it was a relief. It was March and he wondered what spring would be like in Maine. According to Duo, it was beautiful, but the weather got hot very quickly and summers were hell with tourists. He had warned him that their own town had their fair share. While they didn’t have a beach, they were still very close to one and they got a lot of business because of the parks and forests.  
    Wufei quickly called his parents and reveled in the cool air of the evening, the street which the Yuy’s lived was quiet, the street lamps shining softly, giving him a great view of the stars in the cloudless sky above them. Next to him as they stood in the Yuy’s driveway, Fai was smiling, lost in his own thoughts. He now had five friends. That number seemed so huge to him, and unbelievable. Wufei was the only person in his life that he could ever call his friend and now, because of him, he had so many! He couldn’t help but feel incredibly happy about that, and Heero had said that he was always welcome in his home, him, not just ‘Wufei’s boyfriend’.  
    “Do you think that they were telling me the truth?” he asked his lover, “Am I really their friend, with or without you?”  
    Wufei smiled at him.  
    “You can trust Duo. You can especially trust Heero, since he seldom speaks about stuff like that lately. He seldom speaks at all lately, actually. Hopefully… well, you can trust both of them. If they say that you’re their friend, then you are. I think all of us are hesitant about making friends. Until Heero met Duo, he only had Quatre and Trowa. It’s odd, but Duo seems kind of like a magnet when you look at us as a group. He met Heero, who brought Trowa and Quatre in as friends. I’m still not sure exactly why they let me be friends with them, but Duo was the one who caught my attention to begin with. For someone who acts so shy and closed off most of the time, Duo’s actually quite good at making and keeping friends. Anyone who can befriend Yuy so quickly and strongly without getting sniped at has to be good at it,” Wufei mused.  
    He supposed that that wasn’t a very fair assessment on both accounts. He knew that Heero had been the one to make the first step towards Duo, but Trowa and Quatre weren’t the type to be friends with him just because Heero was. Heero had only become so… emotional over the last few weeks, after that damned trip, but there had always been an edge to him, a quickness to anger that only his mother or Duo had been able to quell. So, he supposed that maybe it was fair to assume Duo had to be something special to get Heero to be so connected to him.  
    Fai looked up at the sky. He wondered if the sky was so clear back home. Probably not. When he had left, it had been raining for days, not to mention freezing. According to Duo, who had experience with these things after spending his entire life in this town, it was going to be sweltering hot tomorrow. He had said he could ‘feel it in my bones’ and didn’t need a forecast to tell him otherwise. Fai wondered at how anyone could predict the weather in such a way, but took his word for it. His smile grew, thinking of Duo and the others, but his smile quickly faded into a more morose look. He really, really wasn’t looking forward to Monday. He didn’t want to leave. That had been the truth the second he had arrived here, but that feeling of desperation and hopelessness was even stronger now. He had so much to look forward to, not just seeing Wufei, but the fact that he had friends here, too. If he had the courage, he would have asked Wufei’s parents if he could stay here forever. What was waiting for him in China besides more loneliness and people who simply didn’t care about him? But he couldn’t ask them for such a thing, and if he did, he would still be an illegal immigrant.  
    Fai shook his head at himself. Down the street, Wufei recognized his parents’ car pulling up. Fai resolved that he would keep Monday out of his mind, as though such a concept as the end to a weekend couldn’t possibly exist, it was just a nightmare, a figment of his imagination. He wanted to enjoy what time he had left with WuFei.  
*****  
    As he opened his eyes, waking from a muffled sleep, Duo groaned. He hated being right sometimes. Well, most of the time, since his opinions were mostly pessimistic in nature. It was Friday night and his prediction that it would be hot out had turned out right. It was only the middle of March, but it had reached 89 degrees today, which meant that this summer was going to be long and torturous. Just his luck. He hated summer, always had, even as a child. He had a very low tolerance for heat and had a hard time sleeping in it. He was actually looking forward to tomorrow because the day would be spent in a cold movie theater and the night, at work, which was also cool, especially out back.  
    Duo nearly jolted out of bed at a loud whirring sound that he couldn’t quite place. Suddenly, the temperature in his room dropped several degrees and he blinked in the near darkness. What the hell was that? He sat up and looked around; trying to place where the noise and coolness was coming from, but he didn’t have any fans. He hadn’t had the chance to ask Name if she had any he could borrow. Though he hated the heat, he was used to it. Wes’ apartment had been small and since their next door neighbor had been a poorly ventilated Chinese restaurant, they had gotten most of the heat from their kitchen, making the place absolutely unbearable in the summer. It had actually been cooler outside at times, in the sun, instead of in the apartment. They had only had one fan, too, which Wes had put in his bedroom or the kitchen. They had, obviously, been too poor to afford what all the other houses had and Wes was far too cheap to buy… air conditioning. That’s what this was; Name had put on the air conditioning!  
    He lay back down and closed his eyes in bliss. So this was what air conditioning was? It was really, really nice. He could get used to this, he thought happily. He wondered what other secrets this house had. Of course, he knew that he shouldn’t be so excited about it. Almost all houses now had air conditioning, but he had never experienced for his own home before. If they kept it on during the summer, Duo thought that he wouldn’t hate the season so much. In the past, the heat had only been a part of it. Summer back then had meant no school, which meant he had to whore himself all the time. During that time… he felt like he was in an endless loop of blackness, taking just one job after another, no rest besides his restless sleep. Those times had been unbearable for him and he had quickly learned to hate summer like he hated every vacation that kids his age normally looked forward to.  
    But… he didn’t have to go through that this year. He didn’t have to go through it ever again, for the rest of his life, if he even dared to think of something as scary as the future. The concept that he never had to let some stranger have sex with him ever again was still something that he had a hard time wrapping his head around. He had been living with the Yuy’s for months now, and he still couldn’t accept that things were so much better. He knew that, of course, but he had been living in fear and depression for so long, he had a hard time shaking off those dark feelings. He wrapped his star-covered blanket around himself tightly. He didn’t want to think of these things, he was still trying so hard not to think of them because they hurt, they would probably always hurt. He wanted to solidly separate himself from his past forever, never wanting to admit that the scared little boy who had let himself be whored out, abused, and neglected for so long had been him. But… he couldn’t escape the truth that he was, now and forever, that person.  
    Duo closed his eyes tightly, as though he could block out such thoughts that way. Heero… he had fought so hard to keep him, but the other boy was slipping away from him. When Heero had found out about him and Zechs, and he had run away from school because of it, he would have given anything, anything at all, just to be friends with him again. Was he really letting Chris take that away from him? Hadn’t he found Heero again, and weren’t things good in his life for once? So why did something like this have to happen? Why couldn’t he ever be happy? Was it really a case that his past wouldn’t let him go, that people like Relena, Zechs, Wes, and Chris would never leave him alone? Or was Wufei right, was he really his own worst enemy, too afraid of happiness to reach for it? Was he so scared of his guilt and the possibility that he could possibly get what he wanted that he was pushing Heero away when he could just apologize and mend things between them? That wouldn’t make Heero safe again, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t make Heero safe, so what was the point of avoiding him?  
    It hurt too much. He and Heero had been so close… they still were, really. He couldn’t destroy that feeling of dependency and closeness just because they weren’t talking to each other. Was Heero even really mad at him, or were his problems only in his head? Heero had been his entire world not too long ago. He had been his dreams, his strength… he had been there for him in the hospital, when he had been trying so hard to recover his mind and his body. He had always been there for him, no matter how stupid and stubborn Duo had been. Even if Heero was pissed at him, shouldn’t he still try to make things right? He didn’t want to let go. He wanted to be free, to dream for the first time in his life.  
    He didn’t want Wes to win…  
    … And yet, time and time again, his past had found him. Hadn’t that been what Chris had told him when he had kidnapped him? He couldn’t escape his past, no matter how hard and how deep he buried it, it always came rising to the surface. Even now, he hated Wes so much… yet he didn’t. He loved him because he had been with him for so long, they were just so entangled with each other… yet he couldn’t stand the man for what he had done to him. He had chained him up in the dark, had turned him into something less than human and he was still chasing after that humanity, just starting to win it back again. So… why did it have to be this way? Why did he have to keep forcing himself not to think of the bastard?  
  
End Part 18


	39. Surgery Part 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo has a frightening, sleep walking incident. Fai goes back to China. Duo struggles to decide what to do about Wes.

Chapter 7  
Part 19  
  
  
 _“Ever since Wes realized that you had run away, the idiot thought that you were going to come running back to him. Then, a month passed and he started looking for you and went fucking nuts!”_  
  
  
 _“I love you.”_  
  
The water, incredibly, was still warm when Duo settled into the tub. So often, by the time Wes told him to wash up, what few days he got to, the man had been in it for so long that the water was ice cold. He only ever got a bath when Wes did and Wes hated baths; said that they were more than waste collectors, which was true, but for Duo- who spent most of his time nursing sore muscles from jobs- they were nice, too. Wes, at least, was in agreement about that and, after being shot weeks ago for a reason that he hadn’t told Duo about, which meant it had something to do with drugs, probably, he had been taking a lot of baths lately to soak his wounded leg in, though it was mostly healed now.   
Wes was still in the tub when he called Duo in. At fourteen years old, Duo had lived with him too long to try to hide his nakedness as he slipped into the warm water, or be embarrassed by Wes’, either. The blonde didn’t even make much room for him in the small tub, so they were pressed back to chest as Duo sat in the tub in between Wes’ legs. Maybe years ago he would have been embarrassed by such close proximity, but it was something he had gotten used to. Well, he had gotten used to it in the sense that it no longer shocked him and he had come to expect it, but it still made his skin crawl a little. Duo, his legs bent slightly in front of him, the water almost to his chest, started to clean himself with the soap. He didn’t care that Wes was watching him, he had a chance to get clean, to get the smell of semen and sweat off of him and he wasn’t going to waste it worrying about the man behind him.   
Even though Duo told himself these things, he still froze when he felt Wes wrap his arms around his waist in an oddly affectionate gesture, drawing him even closer against him. The larger man didn’t say a word, but Duo knew what was coming. Still, when he felt rough fingers slide against his entrance, he shivered. Even as two of them slid inside of him, aided by the warm, soapy water, Duo tried to concentrate solely on covering his arms in soap. It became impossible when he felt Wes grab at his waist, lifting him up a little so he could slide inside of him. The soap slipped from Duo’s fingers and he bit back a choked groan as Wes’ impressive length thrust completely inside of him. He squeezed his eyes shut, but that only heightened his awareness of how much his insides were being stretched.   
Wes was being annoyingly gentle as he fucked him, something that Duo couldn’t stand. Each thrust was accompanied with a deep sensation of pleasure, the thick organ stroking and rubbing against his sensitive passage, and not pain. It was something that he wasn’t used to from the blonde. He could understand, and had become used to, the painful rapes, but this… this slow, sensuous sex… it made him feel sick because he actually liked it. How could he possibly get used to that? It made him feel ashamed, it made him hate himself because he couldn’t help but wonder if he deserved the abuse, because he was sick and twisted enough to enjoy getting fucked by his rapist. He couldn’t help but think… it felt kind of nice, surrounded by the warm water, Wes’ strong chest pressed against his slender back and his cock buried deep inside of him… so why did he feel like throwing up, like thrashing, like forcing Wes to hurt him, just so he could stop this dark, swirling, disgusting feeling in his heart and chest?   
Duo’s violet eyes shot open in shock as he felt one of Wes’ large hands slide down his stomach, the simple touch making his stomach tremble in anticipation, and his long fingers wrapped gently around his half-hard erection, stroking lightly, barely even a touch, but enough to send spark of pleasure through his nerves. Those fingers wrapped around him and stroked, rougher this time, making his cock twitch and harden fully in his hand.   
“No…” Duo begged, squirming on Wes’ lap. He hated when Wes was in this sort of mood. He hated it when the man made him climax like this. He was the whore; he was supposed to make Wes like it, so why did Wes have to do this to him when he didn’t want him to?  
“Ssh,” Wes soothed against Duo’s shoulder. Duo could hear the heated pleasure in his voice, could feel his hips pounding into him, his cock driving into him over and over again, making his legs tremble with his stomach. He could even feel it in his own dick, pounding with pleasure. Wes’s other hand went further down, his fingers teasing Duo’s sac.  
“Ah!” Duo tried to bite down, to keep the cry stifled, but it escaped anyway. He couldn’t hide how good Wes’ hands were making him feel, even as he grit his teeth and dug his nails into his palms to keep from feeling it. He could feel his cock throbbing, already begging for release as Wes relentlessly stroked it with his rough, experienced hand while the other one was softer, gentler in squeezing and rubbing his testicles. Under the water, his toes curled, everything, from his cock to his back, throbbing in pleasure, in the need to climax. When he felt Wes’ thumb caress the slit of his cock, and every nerve he had tingled with it, burned relentlessly, Duo lost it. He would have come with that feeling if Wes hadn’t suddenly squeezed on his balls and the base of his cock at the same time.  
“Please,” he begged and Duo was shocked by his own voice, as though he couldn’t equate the person that had spoken with himself. What the hell was wrong with him? He wasn’t like this… he wasn’t the sort of person that could enjoy his own rape, right? But… he was. He was a slut, the worst sort of person. Wes was right, he deserved everything that he did to him. Both he and Zechs were right, this was all he was good for, his purpose in the world.    “Please what?” Wes prodded, the fat head of his dick striking Duo’s prostate and his hand stroking harder at the longhaired boy’s cock at the same time, making Duo’s back arch at the sensation.  
“Please, make me cum…” Duo cried out, his voice rough. His entire body was burning at the same time that his mind was screaming that this was wrong, he didn’t want Wes to make him orgasm, he didn’t even want an orgasm at all, he didn’t even want the man touching him. Wes pulled the teenager off of him and Duo whined, embarrassed by it but unable to stop the sound. The man turned him around and forced his head down until Duo’s soft lips were touching his cock.  
“Suck,” he ordered, “Do a good job and I’ll show you my appreciation.”  
It was in Duo’s mind not to, to disobey him. He didn’t want to be the sort of person who would willfully do this, but in the end, it really didn’t matter, did it? Whether he sucked Wes off so he could calm his body, or he did it because he didn’t want to be punished, either way he was going to do it. He opened his mouth and swallowed the head of Wes’ cock. The organ was halfway out of the water and in order to swallow him completely, he had to go under the water, making it impossible to breathe through his nose. He did it, sliding up and down on the bitter tasting flesh so he could still breathe. His eyes widened as he felt Wes’ hand wrap around his own cock once more and stroke it hard and roughly. The pace was too much and he moaned around the length in his mouth.   
As he climaxed, Wes lifted his hips out of the water slightly, catching most of Duo’s cum on his hand. Duo lapped hard on Wes’ member, hoping to make him come soon, too, only to have the man grab his head and force him completely down on his lap, hitting the back of his throat and making Duo choke, unable to breathe in the water. Cum filled Duo’s mouth and he was pulled back out of the water.  
“Don’t swallow,” Wes ordered him, a rough edge to his voice as he panted, though Duo couldn’t tell if it was a warning or simply because he had just climaxed. His own body was shaking a little from the force of his, he wasn’t used to having an orgasm during sex, usually Wes didn’t allow him to, nor did something like this to him. Reflexively, Duo closed his throat, not chancing whatever Wes would do to him if he disobeyed. He was further shocked when the man covered his mouth and nose with his cum-covered hand, in his surprise, licking up a lot of his own semen.   
Wes pinched Duo’s nose shut and squeezed his throat with his other hand, making it impossible for the boy to breathe or swallow. Duo choked, his shock and instinct making him want to swallow or throw up the cum, but unable to. It tasted funny and he realized that he tasted different than Wes did. He struggled against the man’s grip, his vision going gray like it had the night Wes had first raped him and had almost killed him.   
Then, just like that night, suddenly, when he started to surrender to the sensation of dying, unable to breathe, Wes released him and Duo swallowed the load in his mouth, coughing and gasping in huge gulps of air. When his vision cleared, he felt Wes holding him, his arms wrapped around him as he was curled up in the man’s lap. His heart hammered in his chest unpleasantly, the near death experience making his entire body go into hyper drive, but Wes was holding him gently, as though he were a small child. The warm water lapped at them, waves caused by Duo’s thrashing. Duo’s eyes slid closed at the odd dual feelings of revulsion, the need to fight, and the calming comfort of another human being holding him so lovingly in the relaxing water.   
The water and cum on his cheeks masked the tears that slid down his face, though there was no one looking at him to notice.  
  
    Duo awoke in near darkness, his heart pounding in his chest, gasping for breath, and a terrible taste in his mouth. On top of all of that was a tight, tearing sensation in his head that was giving him an awful headache. He felt cold and hot at the same time, shivering and sweating. He quickly realized that he was hot from the humid weather and cold because of shock. He was dressed in his pajamas, as expected, but he was definitely not in his room.          
It was dark because it was still dark out, but the low light was not from his orb, it was from street lights peering out of the narrow alley he was in. His bare feet were scraped and bloody, presumably from walking a long way with no shoes on, though he had no recollection of even leaving the house. Was he still dreaming, still lost in am memory masquerading as a nightmare? No, the pain from his feet, the shaking and the humidity, these were not phantoms like the taste of cum in his mouth was. He was most definitely awake. But… he couldn’t be… He had fallen back to sleep, he had dreamed of that time, only a year ago, and then… there was nothing after that… his mind was blank. Had he blacked out again? Had his fears come true and he had done more things without realizing it? If he had, this went beyond getting a glass of water.      
  
No, he decided, this couldn’t be a blackout. During blackouts, he still acted rationally. He was still himself when it happened, he just couldn’t _remember_ anything, getting a glass of water, even the hallucination in class had been very rational, very _him_ , but there was absolutely nothing rational about getting up in the dead of night and walking to… where was he?          
  
Panic filled him, making his heart race even more, feeling as though it were pressed against his rib cage. He was outside, not just outside, but in a street, all alone, without his taser. He was away from home, away from his sanctuary. He wasn’t safe… Oh, fuck… he couldn’t get a hold of _anyone_ … and it was dark… it was so dark and he was all alone… he was helpless, vulnerable, it wasn’t safe… This place he knew this place. It was all familiar, but that familiarity, though he couldn’t place it, was terrifying him. There was something, something deep inside of him screaming that this was a very bad place to be. He knew these walls. He knew that dumpster. He knew these smells and those lights… that recognition felt like a needle burrowing into his brain.      
  
 _Warm arms wrapped around him, cuddling him close in the pleasantly warm water. They made him feel small and vulnerable, like a child being held by a protective parent, someone that loved him…_    
  
It hit him, almost like a physical force. He fell to his knees in shock, not realizing that he was skinning them on the rough pavement, tears streaming down his cheeks. His breath hitched and his panic surged like a living thing inside of him. How could he have forgotten this place? This was where Wes had met him that night, the night he had made the worst decision of his life… he should have died here, starved to death or killed himself… he might as well have lost his soul in this alley after what he had done to himself by following Wes home. Why… why would he sleepwalk _here_ , after dreaming those things? What was his mind trying to tell him?       
  
 _“I love you."_     
  
‘Wes… he’s been stalking me… isn’t that what Chris had said? Then… No!’ Duo wrapped his arms around his knees, his body shaking as he sobbed, ‘No, no, no… I don’t want to think about that!’      
  
Why did Wes have to say that to him? He hated him, he _wanted_ to hate Wes, because that was normal, that was what everyone had expected from him.      
  
 _“I love you.”_  
  
He didn’t love him. Wes couldn’t love him. All those terrible things he had done… how could he possibly...?  
  
 _“You’re like a son to me.”_    
  
All he had ever wanted… a loving parent, someone to protect him, save him, love him, Wes could never be that. He had hurt him, so badly. But Wes loved him… he was all he had known of authority and power; he had been an ounce of stability in his life. He had been his world as a child, inserting himself in his life over and over and…      
  
He had saved him. He didn’t have control over anything. His life… his death… it had always been in Wes’ hands. He had strangled him, choked him, but he had decided to keep him alive. Even now, Wes was in control. He _owned_ him. He had run away, he had survived and escaped, but he wasn’t free. Wes was still there, constantly there, and until he died, he always would. Maybe, even if he _did_ die, like a ghost, he would still be there. In Boston, he had saved him again, with a single phone call. Had he done it because he really loved him, or had Wes done it just to show him the power and domination he still held over him? Or had he done it for both reasons?      
  
Chris was right. He was still nothing more than a dog for them to order around. Would he always be less than human? Duo shook his head almost violently and stumbled to his feet, not eve noticing his wounds on his knees and feet. He wasn’t a dog… Wes had such an intense hold over him, but… he _had_ run away. Name… Heero… he had _choices_ , damn it! He wasn’t a fucking slave, Wes wasn’t his destiny, his only fate. The man could stalk him all he liked, but he wouldn’t go back to him, he never wanted to return to that darkness!      
  
He might be swirling in his past, sure that he belonged to Wes and could only ever return to his life as a whore, but he had Heero and Name and all his friends, if he clung to them and his newfound life with all of his strength, then maybe, maybe he could save himself. Maybe… for the first, real time, he could tell Wes “no”, with every fiber of his being.      
  
*****      
  
The only good thing about realizing where he was, was that Duo now knew how to get back home. Ironically, the same panic and fear that was giving Duo one of his terrible stress attacks also stalled the attack from happening while he was out in the open and vulnerable. That stress made his wounds invisible to him. He didn’t care about anything except going home, being safe. It hit him then that he had to go past the apartment on his way. When he came too close, his heart raced to the point he felt lightheaded and dizzy and he nearly threw up before he even came to the building.      
  
Once he started to recognize things, he realized he couldn’t get through seeing the apartment or thinking of the possibility of being so close to Wes. He squeezed his eyes shut and ran as fast as his hurt feet and knees would allow, not caring if he ran into anything, as long ash e got far away from that… place. After counting to twenty, he opened his eyes again and continued to walk back to the house, feeling like his insides were trying to crawl out his throat with the impending panic attack.      
  
The sight of the quiet, well-kept neighborhood and the large white house was heaven. Despite the fear that hadn’t surrendered its grip on his heart and mind, he had started to feel his wounds several minutes ago. His feet and knees felt red hot from the constant walking, but once he was standing at the door, though he could feel the pain now, he found that he didn’t care. He wondered again if he had been sleepwalking or had blacked out, because the door was still locked, the security system still armed. He considered the possibility that he had climbed out his bedroom window, but that was just stupid and probably impossible whether he was awake or asleep.       
  
The Yuy’s had the newest kind of security system, top of the line. They had the old fashioned keys, but in case any of them lost theirs, by the door was a pin pad that recognized, not only the code, but also the way it was entered, memorizing the way each member of the family typed. Usually, Duo just used the key, not really getting the cutting edge technology, but tonight he was glad for the system. He definitely didn’t want to wake Name up and have to explain what he was doing outside in his pajamas and bloody knees. It probably wasn’t the best idea, hiding such an intense panic attack and sleepwalking episode from her, but he was ashamed and was sick of making people worry about him.      
  
It scared him, though, how he could fall asleep in his bed and suddenly awaken miles away, with no one even noticing, with absolutely no memories of what he had been doing during that time. But, the house was dark and he had gotten home, mostly, unharmed. His feet, though badly scraped, had stopped bleeding, probably because of the dirt and gravel stuck to his wounds, so he wasn’t worry about tracking blood on the floor. He snuck back to his room, relieved to see that everyone’s bedroom lights were off. He was shaking hard now and he just wanted to crawl into bed with his cats and ride the panic attack out in peace, but he went to the bathroom to wash out his wounds, which weren’t too bad.      
  
He limped into bed, Shiva giving him a piercing stare. He practically collapsed into bed, his shaking hands grabbing at the blankets. His desire to curl up was aborted when he finally noticed that the display of his cell phone, innocently sitting on his bed-side table, was lit up. He frowned, wondering who would be calling this late. The sound was off, thankfully, but he couldn’t think of anyone who would text him right now. He wondered if they had texted him during his sleepwalking.  
He opened his phone and temporarily ran out of breath. It was from Amaaya and had only been sent twenty minutes ago. Why would she send it so late? Guilt mixed with fear in his stomach, making him feel sick. Clearly, she was pissed at him ignoring her calls and felt that this was the best way to get through to him. He opened the message and the guilt grew.      
  
 _‘Haven’t heard from you in awhile. You ok? If I don’t hear from you by morning, I’m coming over there.’_  
  
    Duo’s heart was torn in two between quilt at the reprimand and warmth at her concern. She cared about him, loved him, enough to not give up on him. He hit the button to reply.  
  
   _‘No. Don’t worry about me.’_  
  
He sent the message. ‘You shouldn’t worry about me,’ he thought in depression, ‘I’m not worth it. I’m sick and twisted, there are so many things wrong with me… Why do people keep caring? Why does Heero care? Why do you care? I can’t understand why…’  
Amaaya’s response was immediate, making Duo realize that she had been waiting for him to call her.  
  
   _‘ALWAYS.’_  
  
Duo’s eyes teared up at the single word, a promise between old friends that they would always be there for each other. The reason didn’t matter, just the action, this all important vow. His phone beeped, indicating another message.  
  
 _‘There is hope. You have people who love you, so there is always hope.’_  
  
This time, Duo couldn’t stop the tears from falling. He curled up like a child in his bed, the cell phone clutched tightly in both hands. Shiva heard him sobbing and licked at his cheek, cleaning up tears that seemed endless.      
  
*****      
  
Monday morning came too soon for everyone, especially Wufei and Fai. The six boys were shocked to learn that Name and Wufei’s parents had written notes to Principal Khushrenada to excuse them all from their morning classes so they could say goodbye to Fai. Wufei woke up extra early so he could spend as much time as he could with his lover. They had spent the night in Wufei’s bed, not making love, but just holding each other and talking about their various hopes. Lian made them a huge breakfast and Wufei couldn’t bear to be far from Fai for very long. All of this made the amber-eyed teenager feel like he was being led off to be executed.      
  
Fai felt immensely sick when they heard Heero’s car pull up in the driveway. He again felt that childish urge to grab on to something to keep from being whisked away to the airport. He wanted to stay… why did he have to go back? Fai hugged Lian and Zhi on his way out the door. Wufei’s mother looked like she was going to cry, but she held it together.      
  
Even after all the gambles and sacrifices that their family had made, their child still could never be happy, she realized. Fai was the whole reason why Wufei hadn’t wanted to move anyway. Yes, she knew that he missed their old way of live, but the teenager would trade anything, just so he could be with his lover. This desire was made even more tragic, by the fact that, if they were together _here_ , they wouldn’t have to hide their relationship so brutally. But, Lian couldn’t see an alternative.      
  
The world was in turmoil, even in America, the economy was plummeting and jobs were hard to come by. Unless an immigrant had a special set of skills, like her medical knowledge, they would never be allowed a green card. Fai was only a child, one that was being supported back in China, but also poor and not completely educated. Unless he proved to be good in a field that was needed here, or his situation was so hopelessly dire that he would be branded a fugitive, she couldn’t see how he would be allowed to live here legally. America truly had become a country only for American-bred Americans. Though, the same could be said of many other countries. China wasn’t even accepting _anyone_.      
  
Zhi put a hand on his wife’s shoulder, trying to console her as Wufei and Fai left the house, but the move seemed so hollow to him. Wufei and Fai’s future seemed so bleak. If he was realistic, but cold, he would suggest to Wufei to find someone here in America, but he didn’t want his son to give up, besides, Wufei would only hate him for the advice and ignore it anyway. Maybe, when they ad first moved here, it would have worked. Back then, Wufei had seemed so bitter and despondent… hating this place while, at the same time, trying to forget his life in China because it hurt too much to think about it.      
  
But now… Something had happened, something had changed Wufei’s mood about his fate to something more agreeable and understanding and it had happened long before Fai had arrived. It had something to do with Wufei’s new friends and, if they didn’t seem so nice, Zhi would have been suspicious of them. And still his son’s relationship with the other boy seemed so… hopeless, he almost wished Wufei had never changed, then maybe he wouldn’t be so miserable now. Even if Wufei moved back to China when he was 18, or through some unforeseen miracle that Fai could live here, how could they possibly support each other? Perhaps if Wufei graduated from a good school and they waited until they both had the means to support themselves… but he knew his son’s fiery impatience well enough to know that Wufei would never wait, not even for a single second, if he could be with Fai.      
  
He sighed deeply and shook his head, not wanting to think about the possibility that Wufei would have to surrender to the idea that he might never have the means to be with the one he loved.      
  
*****      
  
“Hey,” Duo greeted as Wufei and Fai got into the back seat with him and Quatre. Fai smiled weakly at him, but no one felt like talking, a heavy mood in the air. Fai sat nervously, balancing the cat carrier containing his kitten, newly named ‘Lixue’, which meant ‘pretty snow’, after her mostly white fur, on his knees. She mewed at him and he fought the urge to take her out, just so he could have something to comfort him.      
  
Wufei, after helping Heero put Fai’s luggage into the trunk, settled in next to his boyfriend, instantly holding his hand. Duo caught the desperate, hungry look the two Chinese boys gave each other and felt his own hear clench in pain. He tried to put himself in their place, though it hurt to do so. He tried to imagine what it would be like to have to say goodbye to Heero, to have him living across the world and know that he wouldn’t be seeing him for quite some time, if ever.      
  
Those thoughts were painful, he couldn’t deny that. He couldn’t imagine having to… let him go that way. The car started, Heero backed out of the driveway, and Duo had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing. Here he was, trying to think of how Fai and Wufei were feeling, and completely forgetting that he _had_ gone through this before. Every time Heero had asked him to sleep over, he had felt this way. Back then, he had known how wonderful it was, being with Heero, sleeping in his house, _loving_ him, but he had also known how utterly devastating it would be once he had to leave. Leave Heero’s warmth and light and return to the Hell he had surrendered to long ago.      
  
Fai relaxed his head on Wufei’s shoulder and Duo felt another feeling stab at his heart, guilt this time. He loved Heero as passionately and intensely as Fai and Wufei loved each other. It was because of that love that he had pushed Heero away after the terrible things that had happened in Boston, whether he was right in feeling that he never wanted to lose Heero, or have him hate him, so he had to ignore him in order to save Heero and punish himself, or Wufei was right and he was just terrified of accepting those feelings. Now, here, he was, sitting next to two people, who loved like he did, but could never be together because of outside forces. It made him feel guilty, knowing that they could never be happy and he was _making himself_ unhappy, even though he _lived_ with Heero. It just made him wonder, even more, if what had happened had made him act irrationally, going by his fear and shock instead of what he needed and wanted.      
  
But… if Heero didn’t agree with his actions, why didn’t he say so? Every time he had done something, back to when they had first met, that Heero didn’t agree with, Heero had told him so and had fought against him. Why wasn’t that happening now? But it really wasn’t fair to give Heero sole responsibility over his own problems. The bottom line was… he had no idea what he wanted, he never had. He had wanted to be free of Wes, but now that freedom, in all of its endless possibilities and unknown paths, scared him. He wanted to be with Heero, forever, yet here he was, fighting against that desire. How could he ever be happy, ever get what he wanted if he never even knew what that was?      
  
As Heero got on the highway, Fai suddenly felt very nauseous. He remembered the day he had learned that Wufei was moving out of his life. He had nightmares about that day some times. It had been his father who had told him, almost gleefully and Fai was sure that the man had felt that way, about Wufei’s “shame” and his parents’ “dishonorable actions” in getting him out of the country. Fai, even then, had understood Wufei’s parents’ fears concerning the broken marriage and sudden battle for the title of heir between the Long clan and the Chang clan, but by the time he had been told about this move, Wufei had already left and they had never had the chance to say goodbye.       
  
At the time, this lack of closure had devastated Fai, making him believe that, if they had only had the time to talk, that pain would have been less. He now knew that that was a lie. Saying goodbye, having to know that they were parting ways before it actually happened, hurt even worse, it was torturous just knowing he was going back home and he couldn’t even enjoy what little time he had left with Wufei, too anxious about their upcoming separation. Wufei’s grip on his hand tightened and Fai knew that their thoughts were similar. The both of them were exhausted by their restless night, but couldn’t fall asleep and even if they could, they didn’t dare deprive each other of their company, even for a second.  
  
On a Monday morning, the highway leading from St. Peters to Bangor was terribly crowded, so the trip to the airport seemed to take forever, but no one felt happy when they got to their destination. Fai found himself praying that he would miss his flight, but knew that he was being childish. He couldn’t stop this from happening, he _knew_ that, he was just having a huge problem accepting it. He didn’t want to leave! He wanted to scream this to his fullest ability, but even that wouldn’t be able to tie him to Wufei forever. It was… inevitable.      
  
Wufei carried Fai’s bags for him, refusing to relinquish them to him, giving Fai that feeling of being led to some terrible, oppressive thing again. He didn’t demand them, not wanting a fight with Wufei to be their last moment together. He wanted to laugh at his actions. He was acting foolish, believing that, once Wufei was out of his sight, he would never see or hear from him again. Hadn’t Name given him hope? Hadn’t she said that she would make sure they would be able to communicate? So why was he so terrified of leaving?      
  
Fai checked his bags and the group stopped at the line to the metal detector, realizing that now was the time to say goodbye, Fai’s flight was leaving in only twenty minutes. Fai and Wufei felt frozen to the spot, staring at each other. Fai could already feel the urge to cry, but tried to be strong, which seemed impossible at the time. Quatre and Trowa broke the icy silence by shaking Fai’s hand.      
  
“It was nice to meet you,” Trowa said.  
“We’ll miss you,” Quatre insisted.  
Duo hugged Fai tightly.  
“I know you’ll be back soon,” he said emotionally. Fai hugged him back, feeling warmed by their care and oddly enough, he believed them, even Duo’s belief that he would be back. Heero was more subdued than Duo and just shook his hand like Quatre and Trowa.   
  
“Mom and I will do whatever we can so you and Wufei can see each other again, as soon as you can,” the Japanese boy promised him.       
  
Fai felt a sharp pain in his chest at the various shows of friendship and the tears in Wufei’s eyes. He knew that, as soon as his plane left, he would be counting down the seconds until he could see them all again. He would be coming back… no matter what he had to do about it, he would come back.      
As soon as Heero backed away, Wufei had his lover swept up in his arms, hugging him so tightly, it hurt both of them.      
“I’ll never give up on you,” Wufei swore, “Never again, you understand? No matter what happens, we’ll meet again. I _promise_ , we’ll see each other soon.”      
  
Fai kissed him passionately and their friends looked away, forming a barrier around the two boys to give them privacy from everyone else.      
  
“I forgive you,” Fai whispered when they parted, the both of them crying now, “Whatever happened between you and Duo, I don’t care. I forgive you.”      
  
Wufei seemed overwhelmed by this and nodded, not caring that tears were pouring down his cheeks. He didn’t want to let Fai go, but he had to… how could he? He loved him too much.      
  
“ _I love you_ ,” Wufei clutched Fai’s shoulders, “I love you and I’ll never stop loving you.”      
They hugged again, not wanting to let the other go, but eventually, they did. Those almost twenty minutes felt like forever, yet they were over far too soon. Fai’s legs felt like heavy irons as he walked towards the detector. He looked back, his eyes red from crying, but kept walking. Wufei didn’t wave back at him, his own body heavy with remorse and self-hatred for letting his lover leave him. It wasn’t until Fai completely left his sight that Wufei turned and started towards the exit, shell shocked by Fai’s sudden absence. Duo held his hand as they walked back to the car. Wufei gripped his hand hard enough to hurt, but for Wufei’s sake, he bore it.  
  
*****  
  
That week was hell for everyone. It was as though something vital had been ripped from Wufei. He dragged himself through school, barely talking, too depressed and immersed in his thoughts to acknowledge reality. He acted the same way at home, making his parents call Name and insist that they all watch out for Wufei. None of them thought that he was suicidal, but he was completely despondent, not wanting to wake up in a world where he couldn’t even _speak_ to his lover. The only time he had shown any emotion was when Name had told him she had heard from the head of NSS about Fai and he had been given the job, but his happiness had been fleeting without his boyfriend by his side.      
  
It seemed cruel to Duo, having to deal with Wufei’s anguish one moment, then having to walk outside to the beginning warmth and beauty of spring. The sight of bright flowers, green grass, and fluttering song birds made him feel lifted, warm, and happy, but every time he saw Wufei or Heero, he felt like he heart was encased in a box of ice and he wished that the rest of the world was cold, so he didn’t feel so guilty about feeling uplifted by the warmth of spring. It had been a long winter, so the weather was welcome, so it was odd how depressed he felt. Almost a week had passed since Fai had left, yet Wufei was still completely miserable and he and Heero still weren’t speaking to each other.      
  
Despite Duo’s doubts about his motives, he still couldn’t bring himself to speak to Heero. He was still just as terrified as he had been when they had been kidnapped, it just wouldn’t leave him. He had since surrendered the idea that he was, in any way, keeping Heero safe by not speaking to him. If he really wanted to completely take Heero out of danger, he only had three options. He could kill himself. Ideas of suicide weren’t new to him; he had weighed the consequences of it for as long ash e could remember, even before he had known what it was, whenever he had been too tired and hungry and had thought of just giving up, just sleeping forever.      
  
If he killed himself, the action might shock Wes into giving up. But if he accepted this option, he would also have to surrender to never seeing Heero again. Sure, he wouldn’t have to deal with that loss for very long, but… in the end, he was just too selfish to end his life, to let go of these new, wonderful things he had been given. Even if he was right and there was no heaven or hell, he didn’t want to let Heero go, he couldn’t, not unless he knew, without any doubts, that this sacrifice would save Heero from death or pain.      
  
He could surrender himself to Wes. If Wes had him under his power again, maybe he would stop threatening Heero as a sort of… blackmail or leverage. If Wes had the ability to hurt Duo, Heero wouldn’t dare tell anyone about Wes. Duo was sure that Wes would see things that way. But, more than he felt about killing himself, he would rather rip his veins out with his finger nails than ever go back to… _that_. Could he willfully enslave himself again, with not even the option of death like he had had in the past, for Heero’s sake? Yes, he quickly realized, and that surety, the power of his love overpowering his blinding fear of the dark and Wes, absolutely terrified and horrified him.      
  
Lastly, the most ridiculous notion of all, he could do what he had fantasized but had lacked all sorts of ruthlessness and courage and insanity to do. He could kill Wes, and Chris, too. That, and only that, was a sure way to destroy the threat to Heero’s life. The thought of him being capable of killing anyone made him almost laugh, the thought of him killing Wes, who he had never been able to fight against, was… impossible. Still, Wes couldn’t hurt Heero if he was dead. But he wasn’t a murderer! He couldn’t kill Wes, how could he when he couldn’t even strike someone without shaking and becoming violently ill?      
  
Duo leaned against the wall behind him, taking a small break from his stocking duties. Friday nights were usually terribly busy at the Cottage, but he found himself stretching out his duties so he would have _something_ to do in the lull. Spring marked the death of tourism in St. Peters. Though it was only March, not yet April, or even May, the business that the Cottage did had quickly been cut. Summer had those that enjoyed the woods and beaches and lakes. Fall was for what all New Englanders irritably called “The Leafers,” people from the south that came for apple picking and to watch the leaves change. Winter was similar, with southern tourists wanting to spend time in a “snow wonderland”. Duo was just shocked that he hadn’t been laid off, or his pay cut, but Mr. Hastings had assured him that things would pick up in June, or sooner if they had a hot spring.       
  
 The mention of June made Duo think about summer vacation from school. School only lasted until mid-May and that seemed so close to him. The thought of having to spend time with Heero day after day, unable to reach out to him, was painful. He still believed that what had happened was solely his fault, so he deserved to be punished for it. Being apart from Heero, forcing himself to alienate from the boy that he loved, was so painful, it was a suitable punishment. Also, he was so sure that Heero had to blame him, too.      
  
Maybe the others didn’t think that, but they hadn’t gone through what he and Heero had, how could they possibly understand Heero’s feelings? He was terrified of dealing with Heero’s anger. The boy had hit him the first time he had been angry, but Duo wasn’t scared of that. He deserved it, but he was terrified of dealing with Heero thinking poorly of him. He could deal with being hit, but never that look Heero had given him when he had discovered his deal with Zechs, that look of betrayal and hatred. This time… he might just die with that look.      
  
Beyond the pain of his current situation with Heero, Duo was actually a little bit excited about summer vacation. A part of it was his ever current search for normalcy and what was more normal than a teenager looking forward to summer vacation? But there was more to it than that. For him, there was always more to something, normal things compounded and strengthened because of his neglect and abuse; it would probably be like that until the day he died. Not wanting to remember, but unable to let go… He loved school, but he had spent all of his previous summers in what had seemed like an endless suffering he would never be able to shake.      
  
By June, he always felt like a rag doll, constantly passed from man to man, in a constant circle of what should have been endless tedium, but that never changing schedule of his had quickly become something that nearly drove him mad every year. Stephen King had once written that ‘hell is repetition.’ He was sure that King hadn’t coined the phrase, but that didn’t make it any less true. Every day during summer, he had gotten up, just for Wes to tell him where he was going and what he was doing and, if he was a good boy, maybe he would get dinner when he got back. There was always that promise of ‘maybe’, something that was even more painful than ‘no’, because there was a part of him that he could never kill, and that part’s ability to hope had always vexed him. He would come home, sore, tired, thoughts in his head screaming at him, and reeking of sweat and sex. With nothing to distract him from these things, no school, no people, no useless gossip or homework assignments, Duo had quickly felt worn, his sanity being eaten away by ‘repetition’. By August, he had always been half dead, his heart, soul, sanity, whatever he wanted to call it, only sustained by the promise of a new school year.       
  
This year was going to be different, though. No longer did he have to succumb to a schedule that he knew would end up ripping his heart out and give him endless nights of replaying daylight memories over and over again until he was screaming inside of his head. He wasn’t going to be counting the days until school started like it was something religious. He could relax, hang out with his friends, and see movies and all the things his new life had taught him to enjoy without worrying about school work. No school meant no Williams treating him like trash or checking every corner of the hallway for Zechs’ presence, wondering if he would get jumped. Yes, he no longer would have school to keep his mind off of what was going on between himself and Heero, but he couldn’t help but look forward to the first real summer vacation he had ever had. He could actually enjoy these spring months now, no longer ridden with gut-clenching anxiety about the end of the school season.       
  
Maybe, without school taking up his time, those free moments when he had nothing to do but think about Heero, think about their current relationship. Maybe… he would actually gain the courage to fix them. Did he even have that power, or had each flinch, each acknowledgement of his guilt brought them to a place that was impossible to escape from? But he couldn’t deal with the possibility of losing his previous relationship with Heero forever. He was scared of losing Heero’s respect as well as the closeness they had had. Whenever he had been anxious or in pain, Heero had always been the first person he had sought out and this was still true. Even if they were alienated and distant, he had to constantly struggle with the urge to run to Heero and confide in him his fears and torments about Chris and that incident, having to remind himself that Heero was one of the main things that was haunting him. He knew that he couldn’t survive the ghosts of his past without the shelter that Heero’s mere presence gave him.      
  
Duo sighed, suddenly feeling very, very tired. In the end… he was still a coward. That, at least, hadn’t changed. It was ironic that Wes and Heero were alike, but only because they had the ability to hurt him very badly, for different reasons, but his fear of them, of their actions, and his ability to fuck things up, was very much the same. So was his inability to get over that fear, to do something about his problems. He had been too scared to stand up to Wes and now he was too scared to face Heero, too. He bent down to start stocking the glassware again, though there weren’t a lot of spaces for the glasses to go. Usually, Hastings wanted the glasses on the higher shelves, since little kids couldn’t get at them, but they needed to get the boxes out of the way and there were a few spots on the bottom that were empty.      
  
“Duo!” a familiar voice made Duo stand up quickly in surprise, for a moment completely shocked at seeing Hilde Schbeiker, his gym teacher, standing in the aisle with a bright grin as she watched him. He had only known her since the start of the high school year, but like Une, she was a teacher that he got along with very well, and not just because she was nice to him.       
  
Hilde was a hard teacher, but cute and pretty and now, seeing her for the first time without a gym uniform on, he could see it. She had turquoise eyes, not light, but not dark either, and her hair was cut very short and was jet black. The navy, sleeveless blouse and tan slacks she wore suited her, Duo thought. She had a sharp-witted, strict demeanor with all of her students, even though she was a gym teacher, she expected them to use their heads and be perfect in intelligence, team work, and physicality, yet she knew when someone couldn’t do something and never bullied them for it. She had never yelled at Duo because he wasn’t good at sports, only when she knew that he was slacking and could do better. Because of this hardness, but prettiness, a lot of boys fantasized that she must be a lesbian, which made Duo roll his eyes whenever he heard a rumor.      
  
Truthfully, he didn’t care if Hilde was lesbian or not. He liked her because she looked him in the eye, something that only Treize and Une had ever done, and because when he was hurt, she acknowledged it and even asked questions about it. When Zechs had shoved him against the wall that time, she hadn’t shied away from the bullying, but had addressed it, had even backed up his version of the story. To her, he wasn’t a pariah; he was just like all of her other students, so he loved her for it. He thought that, if he had had her in middle school, she would have seen his scars in class and maybe things would have gone differently. He doubted that, but just that that possibility was there made him respect her.   
  
“Hi, Ms. Schbeiker,” Duo greeted.  
“I didn’t know you worked here,” Hilde told him, “Aren’t you a little young to have a part time job?”  
  
“I’m fifteen,” Duo said in fake irritation. The first time that Hilde had seen him in her class, she had mistaken him for a seventh grader and had demanded to know how old he was and why he was in her class.       
  
“Well, that’s pretty young,” she teased, “Still, I’m glad that, for once, I can talk to you when you aren’t on your way to the nurse’s office or the hospital.”      
  
Duo blushed. It was true that he had had a long list of injuries that had made participating in gym class difficult in the past. Most of the time, he was torn, bruised, or had something broken from Wes’s temper, so he had to be excused from gym. Other times, it had been like that time with Zechs. He had been hurt, but had suffered through the class until someone tackled him or something like that and Hilde had forced him to go see Nurse Po. He had known that the raven-haired teacher was highly suspicious of his injuries and was just relieved she had never found out the truth. Not only was she smart and kind, she was also quite stubborn.   
  
“I’ve noticed you haven’t been benched or going to see Ms. Po quite so often lately,” Hilde mentioned suspiciously, “I suppose I’ll have to thank Mrs. Yuy for that.”      
  
Duo’s blush darkened. When he had been allowed back into school, he and Hilde had talked a little bit about his absence. He hadn’t told her all the facts, just that he had been in a bad spot, abandoned by his father, and Name was helping him out. He knew that Hilde was smart enough to fill in the blanks about why he came to school so banged up all the time.       
  
“Merquise hasn’t been giving you much trouble, has he?” she pressed for information, her eyes narrowed a bit. It was probably very bad for a teacher to hate a student and have ill will against him, but Hilde had been a gym teacher for five years and had seen her fair share of bullying because of her profession and she hated it. Zechs Merquise had taken that childish sport to a sinister level with Duo and Hilde thought that, if the silver haired boy got hit by a car in front of her, she wouldn’t mourn him a single bit. Kids like Duo always got the short end of the stick from life; they certainly didn’t need brats like Merquise making things even harder.      
  
“No, ma’am,” Duo told her, “My friends keep me safe. As long as I’m with them, Zechs won’t try anything.”      
  
Hilde smiled softly at him. It took a rare individual to admit that they needed help, especially for boys. She had seen quite a few teenage boys screw themselves over because they refused to ask for help.      
  
“That’s good. You stick with those boys and I won’t have to keep an eye on you so much,” she chuckled, “The first time I saw Heero, I was sure that he was going to bring some heavy trouble my way. A rich kid like that… I’m surprised he didn’t turn out to be a bully himself.”  
  
Duo frowned at the same assumption he had made of Heero when they had met that first day.      
  
“Heero’s nice,” he defended him, “He’s my best friend and he’d never hurt me,” he said automatically, but once the words were out of his mouth, his eyes widened at the belief in his tone. He still believed that. After everything that had happened, after his assuming that Heero hated him, he still believed, with every inch of his soul, that Heero was his best friend and would always protect him. Hadn’t he? When he had had that nightmare, Heero had come running. He had held him, kept the bad things away… hadn’t he considered the possibility that Heero didn’t hate him at all and he was just seeing things that were convenient for his own fears?      
  
Hastings, who had been watching the two of them interact, approached Duo and cleared his throat.          
  
“Duo, I hate to bother you, but the box compactor out back is full and we need to crush some more cardboard. The bins out front are loaded for pick up tomorrow, so we need to put it all out back near the woods until tomorrow morning, or the whole thing will overflow and jam. Sarah’s got a few customers, could you do it?” Hastings asked.       
  
Sarah had been busy all day running back and forth between the compactor and the service desk. It wasn’t really fair, Hastings thought, to make her do it so much, but Duo wasn’t eighteen, so he couldn’t run the machine, so they couldn’t take turns like Hastings wanted. He didn’t blame Duo for it, he just felt bad that the kid was getting bored with what little jobs he could legally do. At the very least he could keep him busy with cleaning and it was such a nice night out, he was sure that Duo would appreciate the fresh air.      
  
“Sure,” he said, happy that he was finally being given something to do. His inability to sit still while there was work to be done was another thing that had never changed. He had gotten better at handling his free time than he had when he had first started to live in Name’s house. Before, it had been actually painful for him to be sitting around with nothing to do. He had kept imagining Wes bursting into his room, demanding to know what the _hell_ he thought he was doing, and he had, instantly, become terrified of _leisure_ , too used to being punished for it. He had grown out of that dark impulse, able to relax and love those moments of being able to do what _he_ wanted, even if that was nothing. He just hated feeling useless. He had spent his entire life feeling that way and he was sick of it.  
  
“I’ll see you at school on Monday,” he said to Schbeiker. She nodded to him.  
  
“Have a nice weekend,” she called as he went through the door that led out back. She turned to Hastings.  
  
“Now, my mother’s birthday is coming up next month,” Hilde rolled her eyes at this burden, making the older man smirk, “I don’t suppose you could help me with that?”   
  
“Sure,” Hastings agreed in amusement. It wasn’t the first time that he had been approached by customers, usually men, who needed help picking out gifts.  
  
*****  
  
The box compactor was practically spilling with flattened bits of cardboard. Duo sighed with the thought of getting the large, wide bin through the narrow door leading to the outside of the store. The front of the store was the large parking lot and main road, but behind the store was just an alley filled with dumpsters where they took out the trash and dumped the flattened cardboard and used plastic to be recycled. As he started to move the cardboard from the compactor to a slimmer trashcan, his thoughts whirled frantically, returning again and again to Heero. The mindless labor made his mind open to such thoughts. It seemed like that was all he thought of lately, how much he loved him and whether he should do what he burned to do, talk to Heero, or continue to pretend that they were strangers. Heero knew… terrible things about him, things that scared _him_ , let alone his friends. He had seen him being raped, had seen him in such a disgusting position… Heero had seen the… slut in him.      
  
He had dragged Heero into his dark world, had put him in danger, and had shown him terrible things. Heero _should_ hate him, and he should be punished for hurting his best friend like that. Heero could have died, and it was all his fault. His heart hurt with that thought, but no more than it had every day since they had been kidnapped. He just wanted to be a normal boy with a normal crush, leading a normal life without blackouts, nightmares, heartaches, angst, self-disgust, or sociopaths coming after him.      
  
Duo leaned his head against the cool metal of the compactor, feeling a headache start to rise up. He closed his eyes, suddenly wishing that he was in his room so he could take a nap. He hadn’t done that since he had come back from Boston, exhausted and hating every inch of himself. He had taken quite a few naps when he had been released from the hospital, but he had truly needed them back then. Now, he just wanted to sleep to escape from himself, something that had never worked, but with his turbulent thoughts and throbbing headache, was still tempting.      
  
He just didn’t want to think anymore, didn’t want to be conflicted about Wes and Heero or worry about his sleepwalking or blackouts. He wished that, when he gone under in surgery, something horrible had happened and he had woken up, with no memories of all, or at least, only memories of Heero. He wished that, he could have woken up with a new slate, could have loved Heero and become a member of his family, completely unaware of the demons that haunted his past. He wished that he could have gone home with Heero once he had been released from the hospital and had been able to smile, not overwhelmed and tormented by hundreds of things that still hadn’t gone away. He wished that he could be happy, simply because… he was happy, he should be happy.       
  
Duo hastily wiped at a stray tear and chuckled at his own thoughts in the empty, dark back room. He was an idiot. No matter how hard he wished, nothing he wanted would come true. He couldn’t even fix things with Heero. He wanted to, but… he was still so ashamed.   
  
When he really thought about it, he realized that his intentions, his reasons behind ignoring Heero, weren’t noble at all. He had told himself, over and over, that it was because he didn’t want Heero to be in danger because of him, but he had always known that there was nothing he could do about it. In reality… he hated himself, was completely disgusted in himself. He had told Heero about his past, but had thought that he could separate his best friend from it. Then Chris had gotten a hold of him and had shown Heero just how disgusting Duo really was, how twisted his past had made him.   
  
How could they possibly go back to who they were when Heero knew… all the things he had never wanted the boy he loved to know? How could Heero ever respect him after seeing him… being violated and made completely helpless, knowing that he had surrendered to such a fate a thousand times, for years?       
  
The truth was he couldn’t face Heero. It wasn’t a matter of being ashamed of not being able to keep him safe, though that shame was definitely there, it was his inability to be a better person, to keep his past locked up tight and not have it… spill over into this life. It was his inability to change. Months had passed since Heero had found him bleeding and on the verge of death in his bedroom, yet it felt like nothing had changed. Heero had saved him, had been so nice and gentle and accommodating, but he had ruined it, shoved Heero’s good will back in his face because he couldn’t stop being what he was, a street rat and a useless whore. He couldn’t be better for Heero, who he loved, so how could he possibly be better for himself? Wes was right, he deserved to be a whore. It was the only thing he had ever been good at. He had thought… now he had friends, was doing well in school, and had people who cared about him, but instead of embracing this new life, he was having nightmares about Wes, the people of his past kept cropping up and dragging him down further, and, worst of all, he had alienated Heero with his sheer inability to have any sense of pride, to rise up from what Wes had made him. If Heero hated him, it was all that he deserved.   
  
Maybe he didn’t deserve to be happy. Maybe… even if Chris hadn’t found him and kidnapped him, it would have been inevitable anyway. If all he was good for was fucking, then, this new life would just end up dying on him anyway. And, really, it would only be one more thing that had abandoned him, or that he had killed. He had gotten Sister Helen killed, had been unable to help Sunshine, had abandoned Amaaya, Solo, and Shi, maybe even his parents had been able to see the nastiness in him and that was why they had abandoned him to begin with. Maybe he was just fooling himself that he could make his life better. In the end, Name was wrong, he wasn’t strong and he certainly didn’t have the ability to make things better for himself. It was only because of her that he was still breathing at all.   
  
A sob worked its way through his throat and he tried to force the darkness that had invaded his heart back down, deep in his mind where he wouldn’t have to face it, even though he knew it was still there, just waiting for a moment like this to resurface. He didn’t want to believe his own depressing thoughts. He had survived, hadn’t he? Even if Name was paying for his food and shelter, he had gotten his own good grades, had gotten this job, all on his own. That was something… wasn’t it? He was good for more than sex… wasn’t he? He had to be, because if he wasn’t, he should just kill himself right here, right now, because a world of nothing but sex and humiliation wasn’t worth what he was going through now. But he didn’t want to die. For once, he liked his life. It was hard, dealing with the things in his head, but there were moments, brilliant, shinning moments that were just so beautiful… having breakfast with his family, Name saying that she was proud of him… he didn’t want to leave all that behind. But if he couldn’t get over his problems… would all of that just abandon him, or was Wufei right and he was already starting to abandon it, because he was terrified of good things, things that he had never experienced before, because as terrible as his old life was, at least it had been familiar to him.   
  
Through all of his doubts… wasn’t Heero the final test? Beyond Name, beyond normality, when things had gotten so bad, he had truly thought he could see his own death approaching, he had wished that he could just be with Heero. It felt like he was being given all of the things he had been willing to pray to a god he didn’t believe in for, yet here he was, fucking up his friendship with Heero beyond repair. All he had was that friendship; it was what sustained him in his darkest hours. Yes, he had a house and woman who loved him enough for him to consider her his mother, but it was always Heero that ended up making him feel… his life was worth the struggle and now… he was losing him.   
  
Duo laughed at himself, a depreciative, dark sound that echoed through the large room. He didn’t have time for this, he thought bitterly. Heero, Quatre, Wufei, and Trowa were picking him up in twenty minutes. They were supposed to go see a movie together and then go out to dinner, a sad attempt at trying to lift Wufei’s spirits. It wouldn’t work. For once, ironically, he and Wufei were on the same page. They couldn’t have the one that they wanted most. At least Wufei knew that Fai loved him, while Duo was sure that he was losing Heero, just as friend, not even a lover. But Duo could see Heero, and that was something, while Wufei couldn’t even talk to his boyfriend. Still, Duo wanted to help him, because if he could help Wufei, maybe he could help himself. He had to get this job done, so he could get into that familiar car and go about pretending his distance from Heero wasn’t killing him inside. He would go to the movie and pretend he was having a great time, because no one wanted to hear his problems anymore. He was just becoming a burden.       
  
That was what was tearing at him the most. Where did he fit in with Heero’s family? Before, he had been his best friend, but now… he just felt like empty weight, like Name was caring for him for a reason he couldn’t understand. No, Heero was still his best friend, because even now, his heart was telling him to just sit down with Heero, talk to him because he was in pain and Heero always made things all better. If only his cowardice, and his rationality, could allow him to do such a thing. Instead, all he could do was think about how much he hated himself and how much he wanted Heero, but couldn’t reach out. Was there even a point anymore, beyond his embarrassment of having Heero see Chris rape him and his guilt?       
  
Duo shoved the rest of the cardboard into the trash bin with a violent force, no longer caring that he was crying. This was stupid, he realized. He was at work, for fuck’s sake, he had just seen his teacher, and had been pretty stable. Now, he was shucking cardboard and sobbing like a little kid, having a breakdown with absolutely no trigger. He couldn’t even bring himself to think of that night when he had found himself out of bed, because he was scared just to think of it. If he could sleepwalk and have a breakdown for reasons he couldn’t even predict or understand, what else was his screwed up mind capable of in times of stress? Hell, even the stress wasn’t predictable. His heart and mind feeling equally heavy, Duo dragged the bin out the door and into the alley with the dumpsters, starting to empty it into the one for recycled materials. He put the bin on the ground and looked up at the sky, for a moment just standing there and letting the silence of the night wash over him.      
  
It was beautiful. The day had been cloudless, just a powder blue sky that had seemed to go on forever. Now, he could see every star so perfectly, it was as though they were close enough to touch. The moon was a lovely crescent shape, shinning silver in the black sky. It was cool, but not cold, a slight wind blowing through the trees. The alley smelled, but Duo didn’t care. He was used to the smell of trash and was simply in awe of the stars. Despite his recent bout of depression, a smile spread over his face as he spotted a couple of bats fluttering above him, no doubt lured by the mosquitoes that frequented such garbage filled areas. It seemed too early in the season for the nocturnal creatures, but there they were, almost dancing around each other in the air.       
  
He loved this, Duo realized. The silence, nature breathing all around him, he supposed that was always when he was happiest, surrounded by the world. He thought that, if he ever lived to a decent age and actually had money during that time, he would get a little cabin in the woods somewhere and he could die happily there, just sitting on the porch and watching squirrels and birds and things. He wanted to die that way, not in bed with some stranger, or starving in the streets, just sitting and watching the world and knowing how beautiful it could be. He had spent too much time in ugliness. He found that his smile wasn’t disappearing, even as he picked up the trash bin and knew he should go back inside. He didn’t want to feel worthless anymore, and right now, he didn’t. He just felt like… he was a part of nature, of the world, and there was some… point to his life, even though he was rational enough to know that there really wasn’t a point to any life, which, to him made life seem all the more special. If everything was random… then his being there seemed pretty damn miraculous.       
  
Duo walked back to the door, deciding resolutely to enjoy the movie tonight. Even if it didn’t make anything better for Wufei or himself, he would enjoy it, because it was definitely miraculous that he had friends at all. It was certainly more than he had been expecting of his future. Even if he couldn’t speak to Heero, at least he could be near him and pretend that things were ok… He swore under his breath as he tried to juggle the bin in one hand and open the door at the same time.       
  
He froze as he heard the sound of gravel scuffing under someone’s shoe, closer to him than it should. Even after all those months of living with Name, certain instincts never dulled. He should have heard it farther away, he instantly noted, only a handful of people could sneak up on him like that. The world around him seemed to become stock still as he readied himself to attack. Chris, those boys Relena had paid off, Zechs… he was sick of this shit. If he ever wanted Heero to respect him again, he had to stand up for himself. He had to prevent these things from happening to him on his own. He whirled with the heavy bin in hand, ready to strike, and immediately felt an arm wrap around his throat, not strangling him so much as controlling his movements.      
  
The heavy bin dropped, making an odd sound as the rubber hit the concrete, and Duo couldn’t even scream before a rough hand covered his mouth. His attacker dragged him, handling him like one would a rabid, feral cat, down the alley, away from the parking lot and towards the woods. Duo’s taser fell out of his pocket and hit the ground, going off in a flicker of electricity. Duo was dragged off before he could try to catch it.  
  
End Part 19


	40. Surgery Part 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A monster from Duo's past tries to kidnap him from his job. In emotional turmoil, Duo flashes back to the day that Shi saved his life and he met his first friends.

  
Chapter 7  
  
  
Part 20  
  
  
  
  
  
    During the twenty-first century, the area that was now the Cottage had been a beautiful park. Flowers had bloomed freely and the citizens of St. Peters had enjoyed a lovely place to relax. Lamp posts had been erected to light the place when it got dark and benches and a few water fountains were built. Then, the economic crises had begun and the town no longer had the means to take care of the park. In a desperate gamble to get more money, the town had closed down the park and had bulldozed and cemented half of it to put in some stores. The other half had quickly become overgrown from disuse and had turned back into feral woods.  
    The wooden benches had rotted, the stone fountains cracked, and the lamp posts had become covered in vines, but the town still paid for the electricity, the lights sending eerie rays of light and shadow into the woods. A way from the parking lot, those lights were the only source of vision in the woods once the sun set, but the lamp posts were brilliant, enough that anyone could see where they were going.  
    For Duo, the visibility as his attacker carried him into the woods was a bittersweet thing. He could see where he was being taken to, so if he escaped, he knew how to get back to the store, but so did his kidnapper. He wouldn’t be able to trick him with the darkness. Duo was sure that the person that had dared to take him from the alley was male. The arm around him was too strong and sure to break or find a way out of. The chest that his back was pressed against was flat and muscular, so high that his feet were no longer able to touch the ground.  
    He was helpless. That realization sent fear through Duo’s body, his heart relentlessly pounding, so violently, he was sure his attacker could feel it, too. The man was much stronger than him, he could feel that even though he hadn’t had much of chance to fight back in the alley. Even if he could touch the ground and gain some sort of leverage… He was a fast runner, if he could get free of the man, he could just make a go for the back door, but overpowering the strong arms wrapped around his waist, the large hand pressed against his mouth, didn’t seem even remotely possible. And that wasn’t even considering the fact that the man could have knife or some other sort of weapon on him. He couldn’t scream for help, even if he could, the people inside on by the parking lot would never hear him, let alone reach him in time. He had dropped his taser, the single, one edge he could have had against his kidnapper.  
    It was Boston all over again, Duo grimly realized, suddenly feeling weak and nauseous. The only difference was that he had no idea who this guy was or what he wanted, that, and the fact that Heero wasn’t involved this time. He could decide if that was a good thing or a terrible thing. After all he had done to Heero last time, putting him in harm’s way, incapable of bargaining with Chris to let his best friend go, being freed, only to be drugged up so he couldn’t help them escape… he didn’t want Heero to ever go through something like that again. Trowa had pointed out that it was Duo that had gotten hurt the most, but Duo couldn’t possibly accept that as an excuse. Heero had gotten hurt enough, all because of him, he couldn’t bear to have that responsibility hang over his head anymore. But… his weak, sentimental heart prayed that Heero would come to his rescue again. If not rescue, then just because he wanted him hear, because when he was near, the fear and darkness didn’t seem so bad. Only… when Heero had been threatened by Chris, that darkness seemed to grow and grow until it had nearly driven him half mad.   
    But he had no right to pray for Heero. He had no right to want to be saved by him. This was his fight, his problem, how could he possibly ask Heero for any sort of help when Heero was constantly in danger just because he had dared to be his friend? Maybe… maybe if this man killed him, Heero would be saved, if only from a supposed friend who couldn’t return the gesture of saving him. But he was so selfish, he couldn’t succumb to that belief. He was terrified, of his death, of this man, of what this person was planning on doing to him. He had survived Boston, only by the skin of his teeth, maybe his luck had finally run out. He just wanted to break down and cry. He was _so tired_. He was tired of fighting, tired of dealing with his own problems, let alone all the people that wanted to hurt him. What had he done that was so terrible, fate needed to punish him for it? Hadn’t he already suffered enough? He suddenly remembered his words to Sister Helen, that if there was a God, he hated Him. He couldn’t even cry, because he was in danger, and his old street instincts were telling him that any sign of weakness was going to get him killed.   
    He wanted to fall asleep, into some peaceful dream, pretend that this wasn’t happening again. He was so tired… he just wanted it to be all over, wanted to not have to second guess at every shadow. He had told himself that Boston was enough, surely no one would come after him again, that he would be given some sort of reprieve, but that had just been a lie, one he had been fully aware of. He wasn’t safe. He would never be safe. He had believed that, by being near Name and Heero, he could make himself safe, but instead, he had made _them_ not safe. It was in him, in that moment, to just give in. To let the man take him without a fight. To tell him to just fuck him, kill him, whatever he wanted to do, because it was easier to give in than to continue to fight. But in that moment, Duo remembered all the times he had talked about his past, and how Name and his friends had told him that they were proud of him. He couldn’t remember anyone before them ever telling him that. Even if he died, even if he was violated again, he couldn’t lose that. He would rather suffer a thousand times than ever make them all ashamed of him. Wasn’t that why he couldn’t talk to Heero, because he didn’t want to know if he had lost his respect, he would rather be anxious and doubtful, than know for sure that Heero was disgusted in him.   
    So, even though his back hurt from his curled up position against the man’s hard body, and he was terrified to the point that he just wanted to cry, he also refused to give in. It scared him sometimes, how easy it was to get so tired of living, he just wanted everything to stop, just for a little while, but he didn’t have the luxury of that this time. He was all alone, he had no one to lean on, only himself, and he was a pretty poor person to lean on. And there was something drilling into his mind like hot needles, something he couldn’t ignore, but desperately wanted to. The man’s smell… he knew it and he knew exactly what it was, but he refused to let that knowledge fill his consciousness, something deep inside of him screaming in denial. Like a feral cat, he scratched at the man’s arm wildly, leaning into his rough hand so he could bite his palm.   
    His kidnapper seemed completely unfazed by Duo’s attempts to hurt him. Duo’s nails were short, his upper arms pinned down by the man’s arm, and his bites were awkward and strained, little more than nips. His legs struggled to kick at his attacker, but his sneakers and weak flailing wasn’t causing much damage at all. He felt like a little kitten in the jaws of a Doberman, he could scratch and bite, but not enough to make much of a difference. But he had to fight, not because he wanted to get free, or even that he was scared of what was going to happen, it was because he was trying to ignore the familiar smell of the man, something that he recognized far too well, the way his rough fingers lingered on his skin, not to restrain him, but to feel him, like a thirsty lion trying to lap up a pool of rain water while it still could drink. That touch was familiar, too, and it made his stomach crawl unpleasantly, it made him think that he might throw up after all, trying to ignore his mental screaming and that insane touch… the warm, comfortable, yet sickening breath on his neck.  
    Suddenly, the iron arm that had been restraining his waist disappeared and he was nearly tossed to the ground. The muddy ground streaked the legs of his jeans brown and Duo skinned his left knee on a tree branch, but he didn’t even hiss at the sudden pain and stinging as his jeans ripped and became stained with blood, too shocked by his sudden fall. He turned to face his attacker, wondering what the hell was going on, if he could try to escape now, and scrambling back a little, not daring to try to stand.  
    All thoughts of running immediately abandoned him. He stopped breathing, his heart stopped beating, and something roared in his head. He felt dizzy and would have been glad he was not standing if he had the ability to think. Duo had heard of time stopping in moments like this, but had never actually experienced it before. It was sickening and if he had had the chance to think about what was happening, he would have found the energy to give attention to his turbulent insides. Things started to go grey in his vision and for a brief moment, Duo thought he was going to lose consciousness.  
    Wes was oddly silent, not out of anger, Duo numbly realized. When Wes was angry, he often was silent. When he yelled, Duo had always known he would survive the experienced, but when he said nothing… but this time, he was angry, it was almost like he was trying to find the right words, which was odd for Wes. The man had always had perfect control over his speech and actions, but now he seemed… unsure. Duo’s awareness split in half between the past and the present, giving him a sense of deep vertigo, his entire being fighting for dominance between what had been and what was. Was he in the apartment, just released from his bonds? His body felt weak, he felt… insane. He wanted to hug Wes, having not seen him for quite sometime. _He had **missed** him!_   
    Bile rose in Duo’s throat. No, no… he hadn’t missed Wes, that was impossible… he couldn’t have possibility have missed him! Duo’s fingers curled and his fingernails bit into his palms. He didn’t realize that he was hyperventilating. Heero, Name, school, his job, his cats… all of it melted away and abandoned him until it was only Wes and himself in the world. He had missed Wes. He knew this fact, he couldn’t deny it, no matter how much he wanted to. He had never been able to deny it. Duo had spent the first seven years of his life completely alone, unnoticed, unloved, separate from any sort of human connection. The only social interaction he had ever had were the people who scorned him, pitied him, wanted to hurt him or steal his things, and Sister Helen, who had been ripped from his life so resolutely, it was still painful to think of her, ten years later.   
    Living on the streets, Duo had become little more than a human animal, doing disgusting things just to survive a world that didn’t even want him in it. His birth had been pointless, his life even more so. He had been scared of people, but had still yearned for them, for some kind touch of another person. Sister Helen had only managed to awaken that desire into a brilliant blaze. When Wes had come to him, he had been starving for both food and attention. Perhaps, in a way, that was really why he had gone with him, because he was the first person in two years to actually _see_ him, to speak to him like he was another human, not an animal or unwanted object, spoiling their idealistic views. It was ironic, but Wes had been his hope for a normal life. When Wes had offered him a job, Duo had tried so hard to ignore his fear and doubts about the man, wanting to believe that he was being given a home and a way to survive, as well as someone he could talk to and be with. The sad thing was, Wes had given him a home and food, when he did a good job, he had even been the one constant thing in his turbulent life, which was something he had always wanted. He had always been moving around from alley to alley, losing everyone and everything he could possibly get used to, but Wes… Wes had been there… had always been there.   
    What made it ironic was that Wes had treated him more like an animal and object than any other person he had ever met, but he was also the only person that had staid in his life, the only one that had given him any sort of physical contact, though it had seemed like the only sort of contact that Wes had been capable of giving. Or at least… it had been, until the day Wes had decided to let him out of that bed, until he had said that he loved him… Wes had been the only person in his life to ever say those words to him. How fucked up was that? Was he only capable of being loved by the man that had owned his body, had dehumanized him and abused him for eight lonely, horrible years? Was he only capable of reaching for human affection through sex with strangers and madmen?   
    And now, he was falling through the dark again. He felt like he had back then, chained to the bed, unable to see, unable to know who was touching him, helpless to stop the madness, each touch painful, except for Wes’ because, for once, he had been gentle. Maybe they belonged together. Maybe his love for Heero was just a silly fantasy and if there was any truth of soul mates… maybe Wes was his. They were entangled, had been for a very long time, even before he had taken him back to his apartment and Duo knew, had always known, that he couldn’t escape him. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to escape him anymore. He was still that lonely, not even entirely human child, searching for some meaning in his existence, constantly trying to reach out and pull away at the same time. Heero and what he meant for his future terrified him, but Wes abuse, his using him for money, he completely understood. He had lived in that world for as long as he could remember. This new world, though… this world of home cooked meals, hugs, and loyal friends… it was completely alien to him and the parts of him that made him who he was were demanding that he return to the darkness, to what was familiar because those new things were too scary, too unknown and if he didn’t know how to face them… how could he possibly survive them? He had only survived Wes’ lifestyle because he had grown accustomed to it.   
    No! Another part of his mind screamed at him. These thoughts weren’t right… they were wrong, completely wrong. It was true that Wes was his father, the man had created him as he had been those eight terrible years, had created a creature that needed the touch of a rapist because he was lonely and starved for affection, but if that were true… if that were true, then wasn’t it also true that Name was his mother? He wasn’t like he had been… there was something new inside of him… a new person. Name had created that person, had created the part of him that was now screaming that it wasn’t true that Wes was the only one capable of loving him. Name loved him. If she didn’t… why take such good care of him? Why be so concerned with his opinions and thoughts and feelings? This new part of him was terrifying, but it was warm and nice and he was just starting to understand it, just starting to love it. For the first time in his life, he had something to be proud of and now, now that he was just starting to live again, Wes had returned to drag him back to the darkness.   
    He was comfortable in that darkness, but it was just as scary, because he knew what to expect, which meant that he knew there was no hope and he hated that. He wanted to dream, for once in his life, he wanted to have dreams! Even if Wes was his destiny… why couldn’t he fight against it? Even if it was inevitable, he wanted to be with Heero with all of his heart, both old and new. Even if it was inevitable… he had to fight, otherwise, he might as well be less than human anyway. And yet… and yet it was so hard to look in Wes’ cool grey eyes and yearn for both him and Heero at the same time, comfort and hope… they couldn’t exist simultaneously and he had always been aware of the choice that he had to make, but he could never make it… it scared him too much and he was too much of a coward. Heero… he wanted him… he needed him, yet he was too scared to reach out to him.   
    He could let Wes take him, Duo realized. Whether Wes wanted to kill him or not was cloudy to him, but if he just wanted to take him back… maybe he would leave Heero alone. He could go back… but the mere thought of going back to Wes after everything that had happened, after all the good, new things, as scary as they were, was even more terrifying. No, it was more than that. Those thoughts… they threatened to drive him mad. He knew, somehow, that if he did decide to go with Wes, he would kill himself, he would lose himself completely. He couldn’t go back… he just couldn’t! If Wes killed him… no, he didn’t want to think about that, if he did, he would only become lost in his memories of Boston, of all those times he had faced death with Wes and Chris. He just… if he had to die, he wanted to see Heero one more time. He wanted to say goodbye, and he wanted to say he was sorry. He wanted to say that he loved him, even if he didn’t truly understand those confusing feelings.  
    “Duo…” Wes finally spoke, finally seemed to realize where he was. He was still in control, though, Duo realized. Maybe not of his emotions, which was a terrifying concept. Wes was scary enough when he knew what he was doing. But he was still the one with the power, that had never changed, he was still the one in charge. It felt like it had been forever since they had seen each other and Duo had no idea how to feel about that. But, just like he had, Wes had changed. He was still well-shaven and huge looking, especially compared to Duo, but his blonde hair was slightly longer and messy, not like Wes at all. His slate eyes were insane looking, even more than Duo remembered then being. Besides that, he looked exactly the same as when he had left him, but those things seemed so huge to Duo, like he was looking at a different person, but still someone that scared him.   
    “It’s been awhile,” Wes said, seeming to get a better grip on himself, his voice rough and the familiarity of it was just as shocking to Duo as Wes’ sudden appearance. He just couldn’t wrap his mind around it. He had always known he would see the man again, but he hadn’t wanted to believe it. The blonde moved forward and Duo flinched, even though they weren’t even touching. Just Wes’ mere presence was making him feel on edge, his entire body on hyper drive, but his fractured mind, the part that wanted to obey and the part that just wanted Wes out of his new life, couldn’t decide whether he should succumb or run. He wouldn’t get far anyway, he knew that from experience, but his past training that Wes had put him through was telling him he needed to do what the man told him, but the independence and pride Name had given him screamed at him that if he did what Wes wanted him to, he would never be free of him, he would never be whole.   
    As Wes moved, the light caught something metal that was sticking out of the man’s waistline. Duo’s eyes immigrated to it and his blood froze even further. It was a gun, an automatic, and no doubt loaded. It was the sight of the lethal weapon that shocked Duo out of his numb, cowed mind state. Wes wasn’t his pimp anymore, certainly wasn’t his father. Had he really just been considering leaving Name’s warmth and love and acceptance for this man? What had Wes done to him? Why did he have to be this way? He just wanted to be better… he didn’t want to live in this nightmare anymore, he needed to be stronger…  
    “I’ll call the cops,” Duo threatened his past abuser. The second that the words left him, pain flared in his head and a red light overwhelmed his vision. He flinched, though not from the pain, but from an incredible terror that made his heart race and he hyperventilated again, unable to catch his breath. He had spoken to Trowa once about mental blocks, back when Trowa had asked why he couldn’t ever defend himself, and Duo knew that his assumptions about himself had been correct. Even now, when he had somehow found the ability to tell Wes ‘no’, he reacted this way…  
    Wes grabbed Duo’s shirt and pinned him to the tree he was near, his other hand caressing his cheek. The touch made Duo’s heart stop and his stomach churned. He tried to flinch away from the other man, but he couldn’t escape his grip.  
    “Hush,” Wes ordered in a smoothing tone that Duo was only slightly familiar with. Wes had spoken to him in that tone a few times, but it was strange, almost… comforting. Like the way that Name spoke to him when he was scared or hurting. That comparison only made his skin crawl. Wes wasn’t like Name, he refused to make that comparison, yet he couldn’t deny it. He squeezed his eyes shut as Wes rubbed their cheeks together. Why wasn’t he raping him, or just shooting him and dragging him back home? Why this… subtle touching?   
    “I missed you,” Wes whispered to him. Duo’s violet eyes flew open in shock at that sentence. He shuddered as he felt Wes’ lips on his cheek, giving him a small kiss near his ear, something that was completely… non-sexual. Wes’ firm body was pressed up against his smaller one, but he wasn’t trying to have sex with him… Duo’s mind struggled to understand this, but could only come up with the last thing that Wes had told him… he loved him.  
    “I followed you everywhere,” Wes confessed, his fingers stroking Duo’s thin neck, breathing in his clean smell. The boy had gained weight and great deal of health since he had last been in his presence. He looked so beautiful… but he would reclaim him later, right now, he had to reassert his dominance over him.  
    “I’ve seen you with that boy,” he growled angrily, secretly smirking at how Duo tensed at the warning tone, “And you never came back to me, like you promised you would.”  
    That tone awoke Duo from his shock at finding Wes so… different. He quickly realized that the man hadn’t really changed at all. He was just as dangerous and this time, he was willing to do whatever he had to, to make Duo come back to him, even kill his friends… no, Wes was even more dangerous now because he no longer cared about his own welfare, only his base desires. How could he possibly feel these things for this sort of person? Wes had hurt him so much… how could the man ever think that he was going to come back to him? He had raped him, hit him, neglected him, abused him, and had treated him like an animal… because of him, he had suffered so much, in more ways than one. Heero… Heero was the best thing that had ever happened to him, Wes was nothing compared to that… Duo shoved Wes away from him. The stronger man only stumbled back a single step, barely that, but the shocked look on his face was worth whatever the man would do to him in retaliation to Duo.  
    “I hate you!” Duo snarled at him, feeling empowered by the frustrated, pained look Wes gave him, “Why would I ever come back to you?! Maybe… back then I had said I would, but that was because I had no choice! What you did to me… that terrible thing… I would have done _anything_ to avoid that insanity! But now… fuck, how could I not hate you?!” tears filled Duo’s eyes and he didn’t bother to wipe them away. Tears would be punished, but the sorrow he felt in his heart wouldn’t be denied. As he shook his head, the satin hair tie around his braid brushed his wrist. He had waited so long to tell Wes this… this needed to be said, and not just for himself, for someone much more important…  
    “Because of you,” he hissed through his thick tears, “Because of you, I missed out on the last week of a friend’s life… a very good friend… while you had me chained up in that bed!” Duo didn’t even try to bite back his sob, “I lost him… you… you cheated me out of a week of him, and now… now he’s gone… I never got to say goodbye…”  
  
     _‘Yuki,’_ Duo thought in intense sorrow. He had just wanted to say goodbye… he never got to say goodbye… not to his parents, not to Sister Helen, and now… Yuki… would he be able to say goodbye to Heero? If he had been there, would he have been able to save Yuki? No, probably not… but hearing that his friend had died a week later… that had been so painful and he hated Wes so much for that. More than the abuse, more than the rapes, he hated Wes because he had so _little_ in his life and now, he had even less. The man had kept him from Heero, from his friends, from so much that he had now.   
    Solo, Shi, Hi, Amaaya, Yuki, Alex, Aluxiel… they still meant so much to him. He couldn’t blame Wes for his distance from them, it was his own cowardice, but when he had believed that Heero hated him and wanted nothing to do with him, they had been his whole world. Was he destined to lose all his friends? He had already lost their little gang and Heero, would he lose Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, and Fai as well? He owed Solo and Shi, at the very least, his life, and he had abandoned them… it made him want to laugh, that Wes had almost killed him back then, without even knowing it. He should have died back then… he had prayed for it, but in the end… he couldn’t have even been freed from his personal hell.  
  
  
  
//He was definitely following him now. Duo hadn’t been sure, there were too many shadows out tonight, but now he was sure. He had heard things, on his way back to the apartment, that had made him believe that someone was following him, but every time he had turned around to try to catch them, no one would be there, only shadows cast by the neon lights. It had been years since Duo had lived on the streets, but his instincts had never dulled. Living with Wes, he had found that he desperately needed those survival skills just to deal with his ‘job’ and the man’s temper. So, he had known that someone was stalking him, but he hadn’t been sure who until he had heard the shuffling steps behind him.  
    Instincts as old as he was screamed at him to run, to flee from the shadow that was obsessively tracking him, but he was tired. When he had been living on the streets, he had thought that he had understood what tiredness was better than anyone. He had no food, nothing to keep the chill of the world away from him, and every morning he would awake, feeling even wearier than the previous day. Back then, he had thought he had understood what it had meant to be at the end of your rope, to not want to open your eyes after sleeping, because each day was harder than the last. Then he had met Wes and had realized that he had never really known everything. He had gone days with sleeping, but when another street kid came after him for his food, or just because Duo was smaller and an easy target, he had always found the strength to run, to try to survive.  
    Where was that instinct now? Was it even possible that that instinct had disappeared just because of how tired he was? It was just a day like any other. He had serviced five men today, starting from nine in the morning to nine at night. He probably could have done more. No, he definitely could have done more and he had done more, if it hadn’t been for one of them wanting him for half the day. But five was bad enough. Hell, one was just as bad as five. Logically, he knew that five should be far worse than one, but it just didn’t feel that way to him. One, five, a hundred, it all made him feel exactly the same way. Even if it had just been one man fucking him, he would feel tired from it, too tired to even want to run away.  
    Let him come, Duo thought. Let him catch me, what difference does it make? He wasn’t even entirely sure what the man wanted, but he didn’t care. It was something bad. It was always something bad. Just once, couldn’t something good happen to him? He had had something good once, but she had died, burned alive with over two hundred other people and now he had absolutely nothing. He had worse than anything, actually. It made him wonder if there was even a rock bottom here, if he had hit it, or he was just waiting for the bottom to fall out and pitch him into more blackness.   
    It was number five who was following him. Duo didn’t have to turn around to know that. He had been a strange one. What had been his name? Roland or Ronald, something like that, or maybe it had been Owen or Olland, it was hard to remember such things. He serviced too many men, some of them repeat customers, but not always, for him to remember something as pointless as the men’s names. He could remember aspects of their times together, if one man was rough, another nervous, if they liked to use toys, or were too boring or unoriginal to do anything but vanilla sex. What use were names to a whore like him anyway? He had taken his own name from a newspaper and thought he could change it in a heartbeat and no one would care.  
    But it was still _his_. Even if the name didn’t really mean anything, it wasn’t like he had all that much to begin with. So his name didn’t mean anything, he didn’t mean much, either. All he really had was his hair, his eyes, and his name. Beyond that, everything else changed constantly. His clothes, his speech, everything that he had once seen as his on the streets, Wes had changed. Through him, Duo had learned to speak ‘properly’, the street speak he had grown up with only coming out when he was stressed or scared. It wasn’t that bad, once he had learned how to speak like the men he catered to, learning to read had been easier.   
    Number 5, no Olson, that had been his name, hadn’t been normal, that was for sure. He had felt it first off, the second Wes had handed him over to the man. He hadn’t looked extraordinary, just another guy of medium height, dark hair, and olive eyes, like dozens of other guys he had been whored to. But the way he had made him feel wasn’t so ordinary. When those olive eyes had met his, the squirmy feeling he got was similar to the one Wes gave him, or when he just knew there was something bad in the air and he should escape it as soon as possible. Not that he had the choice of escape. He had gone with the man because it didn’t really matter how a john made him feel in his stomach, all that mattered was doing his job and getting some money so Wes wouldn’t beat him when he got home. Beyond that, what a john did to him was irrelevant.   
    The weirdness had really started when Olson had brought him back to his apartment. Duo had quickly realized that there was something wrong with the guy the second he had gotten his pants off and had tried to give him a blowjob. For one, the guy was completely limp, which was something that Duo was definitely not used to. He hadn’t even known what to do, if he should keep going or just give up. He had never had to deal with a flaccid penis before and it had confused him. At first he had been sure that Wes had been had and this Olson had only been curious, but had quickly figured out that he just didn’t like little boys. He had felt a small spike of fear in that moment, because he knew Wes would beat the shit out of him once he got home, not because he had gotten no money, but because his reputation had taken a hit.   
    He had been ready to pull off of the guy and suggested they give up when Olson had shoved him away. When his back hit the floor with a hard sound and the breath went out of his lungs in his shock and pain, it had suddenly clicked for him. Olson was a sadist. He wasn’t unfamiliar with such men, for a long time he had thought that Chris and Wes had the same problem, but though they liked to hurt him, they were more than capable of getting it up without violence being involved. This guy, however, could only get excited if he hurt and dominated his prey. Fortunately, Duo hadn’t had to force or fake the fear he had genuinely felt when the man had loomed over him. Any doubts of the man’s sexual tastes had fled when Olson had nearly ripped the clothes off of him and had penetrated him in one move, with no lube or preparation involved at all.   
    It had hurt like hell. He had been whoring for five years now, so he was as used to penetration as he ever would be, but Olson’s move had succeeded in ripping an honest scream from him. It had felt like it had back when Wes had raped him for the first time. He had felt his insides tear and blood drip down his thighs. When he felt the man’s weight on him and his hands around his throat, Duo had thought he was stuck in a memory, that it was Wes above him and not Olson. But still… he had known that it wasn’t Wes, he didn’t have to look up at him, or even smell him, he had just known that it wasn’t him. The two men fucked differently. Olson was quick and chaotically wild, like he didn’t even know what he was doing, or simply didn’t care. Wes was the complete opposite, like fucking was his life. There was no way he could confuse the two of them.   
    Olson wasn’t just a sadist, though. He had choked him like he had fucked him, without knowing at all what he was doing. Duo had struggled against him, no longer concerned with the pain Olson’s dick was causing when his air way was cruelly blocked. He had dimly realized that Olson was choking him harder and longer than Wes had and, for a moment, he had wondered if the man meant to kill him. He had thought that right before he had blacked out. In his last thoughts, he had wondered if this was it, if he wouldn’t wake up. But he had. He had woken up, vomiting, Olson’s cum dripping out of him.   
    Duo hadn’t wasted much time after that in collecting his money and fleeing the apartment. Even now, he could remember the brightness of Olson’s eyes and how it had looked to Duo like insanity. He had been considering telling Wes about the man’s actions, so he wouldn’t have to go back to him, when he had heard the footsteps following him. He remembered that crazy light and how long he had choked him, and just knew it was the john. He wasn’t entirely sure how he knew this with such surety, that it wasn’t just some stranger, but he did. He didn’t quicken his pace or scream or even look back, he kept walking at his sedate stride, like he didn’t hear the footsteps at all.   
    It wasn’t that his back and ass hurt, which it did, and it wasn’t that he thought the man wouldn’t do anything to him, he was very sure that he would, he just didn’t care. He was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of living, tired of breathing, knowing that nothing would ever change, let alone get better. Let the man catch him, he thought. He just plain didn’t care anymore. He had too many memories and the thought that he had ten, twenty more years of nightmares to look forward to filled him with an intense fear and weariness. He didn’t want anymore, his life had become a joke, and he was so sick of the punch line. Sex didn’t matter, his life didn’t matter. He was nothing, a speck compared to men like Wes and the people who ran this city. Who would care if he was raped again or was killed? Nobody cared about kids like him and he was tired of living that truth over and over and over…  
    He could hear Olson quickening his own pace and he slowed his as he entered a short alleyway. The man was silent as he caught up with him. Duo stopped walking. The alleyway was a dead end, there was no way he was running off anyway. That weird light was in Olson’s eyes again and Duo felt a small thrill of fear, but ignored it. Olson shoved him against the brick wall and Duo thought, bitterly, that he had a nasty habit of shoving people around. Olson wasn’t as big as Wes was, but he was a lot bigger than Duo and pinned him to the wall easily. Duo didn’t struggle, he was beyond that now.   
    “Don’t move,” Olson snapped at him and Duo could feel his hard erection against his thigh as the man pressed against him.   
    He would have been shocked at the man’s excitement, given they had fucked only minutes before, but he lived with Wes, who had the sexual stamina of a feral dog and rabbit in heat, combined. He wanted to laugh at how Olson was only this hard because he was being violent and forceful, but it didn’t seem all that funny to him. The light of the full moon above them brought Duo’s attention to the knife Olson had in one of his hands, but he felt only numbness at the sight of the shinning blade. It was like someone had thrown a switch inside of him and nothing was really affecting him. He was going to die, but he felt nothing. Nothing at all, not even the smallest bit of fear. But he didn’t even feel relief or acceptance, either. He was just empty.   
    It was cool outside, but his shivering confused him, since it wasn’t cold enough to see their breaths, let alone for him to be cold in his ratty jeans and blue t-shirt. He didn’t even feel that cold, but he was shivering like it was the dead of winter. Olson was easily pinning him there with only one hand and the other unzipped his pants. Duo finally felt a tiny bit of emotion, this time irritation, that he couldn’t just die without this. Maybe Wes was right. Sex was his only purpose, and nothing could happen to him without it happening. He couldn’t even die without having sex first. Somehow… somehow it made him feel angry and he couldn’t understand why.   
    Olson used his knife to cut off Duo’s jeans. Duo wondered if he wasn’t going to kill him after all, if he had only followed him out here to rape him, but that didn’t make any sense to him. If Olson only wanted sex, why hadn’t he demanded to keep Duo for an extra hour? But if he wanted to kill him, why had he let him leave to begin with? Olson lifted up Duo’s leg and Duo could feel the flat edge of the blade press against his now naked skin. He wondered if it would cut him. He wondered if the pain would help his suddenly rapidly beating heart, something he couldn’t understand. The man shoved into him with as much care as he had the first time. Duo whimpered at the pain, feeling his insides throbbing nauseatingly and more blood stream down his legs, making a dripping sound as it hit the ground.   
    Olson was harder than he had been earlier and he thrust into him with more passion. Once again, Duo was struck with the idea that he should laugh, but he wasn’t sure why. He thought it must be horrible to only feel good at another person’s pain, but wasn’t that what sex was all about? Taking instead of giving… stealing instead of sharing… Duo stared over Olson’s shoulder, almost blind. He heard some teenagers chatting and laughing near the mouth of the alleyway. He realized that they would only have to walk a couple of feet before they saw them. But he knew that they wouldn’t save him. Who would want to save _him_? He wasn’t worthy of saving. Still, there was a strange, little part of him that wanted them to see him, even if they did nothing. They sounded like they were having fun, chatting and laughing and joking, things that were alien to Duo, and he wished that they would come near the mouth of the alley and those laughing faces were turn to ones of horror and shock. He wished that they would acknowledge him, that someone would acknowledge him, someone who actually gave a shit and didn’t just want to hurt him.   
    Duo winced as searing, hot cum filled him again, but was shocked when Olson didn’t pull out. The gleaming knife came up to his neck and the man pressed it to his skin. Duo felt blood stream down his neck at the cut. So he really was going to kill him? He realized that he could still hear the laughter and the teenagers weren’t moving on. His eyes widened as he felt Olson’s cock grow hard again, still inside of his body, and the man started to thrust again. He had gotten hard at the thought of killing Duo… that thought filled the child with nausea. Tears, as hot as the semen and the blood, dripped down his face, but he wasn’t upset. His heart was pounding and his chest felt tight, but he wasn’t upset at the thought of his death, so he didn’t understand why he was crying.   
    “I wish I had had the courage to do this earlier,” Olson suddenly said, panting as he thrust into his prey’s tightness, his breath ghosting over Duo’s face, “I always wanted to…”  
    Duo bit back a sob at the man’s words. Was this why the man was so hard up, was he getting some sort of sexual thrill from murdering him? His body shook, but he wasn’t afraid. He felt something strange deep inside of him, but he couldn’t put a name to it. He couldn’t hear his thoughts, but he knew they were buzzing in his skull. He was struck with the sudden, violent urge to throw up.  
    Blood… he thought… he could smell it, thick and coppery. It was a smell he had been used to for as long as he could remember, perhaps even as a baby. The blade was still at his neck, digging deeper and deeper and he wondered how long it would be before he no longer had a neck to breathe with, it was so cold against him, like a shard of ice. He shivered harder and harder, but it still wasn’t cold. He was taking his time. Why? Why didn’t he just kill him already?! Or was it like Wes with sex and he was going to take his time?   
    ‘Just kill me,’ he thought.   
    He could smell the garbage in the alley and had the dark thought that this was exactly where he belonged, it suited him that he would die here. The sounds of laughter and chatter continued to reach him and he suddenly wished that they would just shut the hell up.  
    ‘Kill me… kill me… kill me…’ the thought repeated itself over and over and over again, his tears becoming violent, his chest shaking with sobs.  
    Why couldn’t he just kill him? He didn’t want to do this anymore… he was tired of the cold, of the feeling of tearing inside of him. Why couldn’t it end?   
    Over Olson’s shoulder, Duo saw a dark figure and in the moonlight, it looked to him like the creature had glowing red eyes, but had the shape of a man. Not just a man, but someone who was as tall as Wes. He must have died after all, he thought, and now he was in hell and demons had come to eat him. When Olson roughly pulled out of him, Duo had thought he had taken a step back, but he then realized that it was the creature who was pulling Olson back. Duo was unprepared for the sudden lack of anything supporting him and fell to the hard ground. His back was skinned raw by the rough bricks as he slid down them, his thin shirt riding up, giving him no protection. When he hit the ground, the skin on his knees tore and bled.   
    Duo’s shaking refused to ease, even at Olson’s absence. He knew that this creature had not come to save him, it was just like Olson. It would hurt him and kill him. His violet eyes widened as he saw Olson’s blade, still covered in Duo’s blood, go through the man’s neck and the demon let go of him, making him fall to the ground. Olson’s body shuddered and squirmed as he clawed at his neck, but the handle of the blade was sticking out of the back of his neck and Olson only succeeded in slicing up his hand. His death throe only lasted for seconds before he stilled forever.   
    Duo’s shivering became almost like seizures as the creature finally stepped into the light. Only… only it wasn’t a creature, monster, or demon, just a man. No, not a man, a very, very tall teenaged boy with red eyes and golden hair. Somehow, the thing becoming a man only made him more scared. Was he scared? Yes, he realized, had he been scared earlier, or numb? He couldn’t dissect his own feelings. At the sight of the boy, something deep inside Duo needled at him, trying to remind him of something, but trying to think of it only made his head scream in pain. The boy, dressed in a leather jacket that made him look like a regal guardian, glared down at Olson’s body and spat at him.  
    “Motherfucker,” he growled.   
    Intense eyes, the color of brilliant rubies, found him in the dark and the boy fell to his knees in front of Duo.   
    “Hey,” he said, his voice filled with concern, “Are you alright?”  
    There was something strange in the boy’s eyes that made Duo’s head feel weird, light and heavy and tight all at once. When the blonde tried to put one of his large hands on Duo’s thin knees, the little brunette, drew his legs close to him, watching the tall, red eyed boy like a deer watching a very large wolf. To Duo’s shock, the boy quickly withdrew his hand, almost obediently. He couldn’t understand his words, let alone his presence here and why he wasn’t taking what he wanted, like the rest of the world, like every man Duo had ever known. Why was he asking if he was ok, unless he wanted him healthy for whatever reason he had saved him? But… why help him, why risk it at all? Why was there a voice deep inside of him telling him that he could trust this person when he had never met him before?   
    “Easy,” the boy soothed, “You’re hurt. Don’t move.”  
    ‘Don’t move’, that’s what Olson had said, but this man’s voice was filled with affection and concern, not lust. When the blonde offered him a smile, he wasn’t sure what he should do, if he should scream, try to run, or clutch onto this odd stranger with every ounce of strength he had left. The last person that had helped him… the last person who had smiled at him like that had been… but that was so very long ago, and he hadn’t met anyone since that actually gave a shit about him. Why should this boy?   
    Suddenly, the older boy moved and Duo saw him shrug off his leather jacket and wrap Duo in it, like a father would his son if he was cold. The boy’s fingers brushed his arm as he settled the jacket around him and Duo’s shaking immediately stopped. It had been a very, very long time since anyone had touched him like that, and his cold heart screamed for it, just for a second, before Wes’ training and his fears clouded it over, but it didn’t destroy it, just muted it. Duo’s eyes were wide with shock as he looked at the boy, as though he were looking at an alien species. The leather coat was heavy on him, but warm. He realized that both the cut on his neck and his entrance were still bleeding, his body throbbing with pain. He didn’t even notice when he started to sob.   
    “Sssh,” the older boy soothed, even as his wore an expression of panic at the little boy’s broken cries.  
    He swept Duo into his arms like he was little more than a new born kitten. Old instincts told Duo to fight against it as hard as he could, not liking the feeling that he was helpless, but he was always helpless. He had always been helpless. And there was something else, deep down, that overrode those instincts. He wrapped his arms around the man’s neck and buried his head into his strong shoulder. His fingers dug into the back of the black shirt the man was wearing and he fought down the old voice inside of his head that demanded to know why he was letting this boy touch him like this when he was nothing more than a stranger, but a warmth had filled him, a warmth that he couldn’t begin analyze or name, and he couldn’t let go any more than he could win against the boy in a fist fight.   
    “It’s ok,” to Duo’s surprise, the boy continued to try to help him, “He’s dead now, he can’t hurt you anymore.”  
    Duo wanted to laugh at the other boy’s sentiments. Olson had been just one of his worries. He doubted this boy could do anything to help him with his problems with Wes and Chris. Why was he trying to make him feel better anyway? He didn’t even know him and even if he did… no one helped him. That was just the natural order of things. He was trash, not even a street kid anymore, much less than that. No one helped little kids playing whore, so who was this guy?   
    “It’s alright, sweetheart, I’ll take you somewhere safe,” the boy continued to talk to him and Duo realized that they were moving out of the alley.   
    He dimly realized that the teenagers that had been on the street earlier were gone. He wondered if his savior had scared them off. ‘Sweetheart’… why would he call him that? And yet… and yet, for some reason, it had felt good to be called that. He closed his eyes. Tired, he was so tired. He just wanted to sleep. Did it matter if this boy wanted to do something bad to him? Hadn’t he thought that he would be happy if Olson killed him? But… for reasons that he was already calling himself a fool for, he wanted to trust this guy. He did trust him.  
    “I’m Shi,” the boy suddenly said, his deep voice breaking through Duo’s nearly sleeping mind.  
    “Duo,” he murmured.  
    “Thank you,” he heard someone say, but as he drifted off, he couldn’t be sure who.  
    Whoever it was, they were crying.   
  
*****  
  
    “… We can’t just keep him here,” a female voice was saying, “Are you sure he doesn’t have some kind of I.D. on him?”  
    “You act like he’s just lost or sumthin’,” a male voice with the familiar accent of street kids piped in, “You see his clothes? They’re so filled with holes, no parent’d let him out like that.”  
    “So he comes from a poor family,” a deeper voice replied, “We need to find his parents. He can’t stay here. We don’t have the means to get him medical aid.”  
    “He’s not too badly hurt,” a softer voice, though still masculine, said, “At least we should find him some pants.”  
    “But… Shi said he was raped,” this voice was so like the previous one, Duo wondered if it wasn’t the same person, “Shouldn’t we do something? He’s just a child.”  
    “Shi always does have the habit of bringing home strays. That just means this boy is our responsibility. If we can’t find his parents, he’ll remain our responsibility. It’s as simple as that,” a voice filled with gentle kindness and patience tuned in.  
    “Oi!” the sound of his savior made Duo open his eyes, “I do not bring home strays! Don’t equate me to some little kid!”  
    “But you _are_ a little kid,” the deepest voice teased.  
    Duo glanced over at the origin of the voices from where he had been placed on a bench. It wasn’t hard to tell whose voices were whose. The deep voice had to belong to the eldest of the little group, a fiery red-headed man with a shoulder-blade length ponytail, and eyes the color or slate that were a lot like Wes’ but only in color. Otherwise, they were warm, not cruel, far from the man who had taken him in.   
    The twins standing so close, they were nearly touching, had to be the matching voices he had heard. They were clearly identical, though one of them had died his hair red and green and Duo couldn’t tell if their different colored eyes were natural or from contact lenses, but otherwise, the teenagers were mirror images of each other. There was only one girl in the group, so that one wasn’t so hard to figure out. She was gorgeous, too, not like one of those too skinny supermodels with the fake boobs that Duo saw in several tabloids in the nearby grocery store, but actually, naturally beautiful with tanned skin and long black hair. Her features were slightly Asian, but she had the most breathtaking blue eyes Duo had ever seen. She was the second tallest in the group, tied with the redhead, with Shi being the tallest.   
    The street-talker had to be the other blonde, who looked younger than Shi, but older than the twins, his wild bangs kept out of his face by a bandana. He looked just as rough and hungry as the others in their group, but the tattoo of a white wolf with blue fire behind it in the shape of a scythe on his arm was a dead giveaway that the boy either was, or had been, in a gang. That just left the Japanese boy who was standing by Shi’s side. He was a little bit taller than the younger blonde, but still shorter than the girl. Duo didn’t know what was more striking about him, the pure white clothes that he was wearing, his delicate features, his snow white skin, or the obvious fact that he was pure blood Japanese, which these days, was as rare as the color of Duo’s eyes. Duo realized that this was the boy who had made the comment about strays.   
    This group was incredibly eclectic, Duo thought, but they fit together almost like… almost like a family. A strange pain filled his chest. What was he doing here? Suddenly, the previous events of his night came back to him in a rush. He had let a complete stranger take him away… how long had he been out, what if Wes was looking for him?! He sat up straight, staring at the group like they were ghosts. Or maybe he was the ghost, he was sure he didn’t fit in here anymore than he fit anywhere else.   
    That was when he noticed their clothes. The most noticeable was the girl’s, since she was wearing a pair of scandalously short shorts and a tight, black tank top, but the others weren’t much better, all of them wearing tight, revealing clothes that would have been frowned upon in any situation, sans one. Even Shi’s jeans and t-shirt were too tight and thin to be appropriate.   
    ‘They’re whores!’ Duo thought, but it was out of excitement, not shock.  
    In all of the years that Duo had lived with Wes, he had not met a single other prostitute. Yes, he had seen them on street corners and he knew that Wes had other boys like him, but he had never actually talked to any of them. This was different. These people… they were like him. They did what he did. They let strange men, maybe women, too, fuck them just for some cash. If they knew he was like them… they wouldn’t hate him or think he was dirty. He was just… one of them. He had never had that feeling before. He had known other street kids, too, but he had never made a friend since… since Sunshine. He had learned very quickly that friends were never things that you gained, only lost, so what was the point of having them at all?   
    Or at least, he had believed that then, but now… now he stared at these people and felt this weird little fluttery feeling in his chest. He watched as Shi stared at the Japanese boy.  
     “You’re right about one thing, though, he’s my responsibility. Though how the hell I’m going to find his parents so late at night, I’ll never know…” Shi grumbled.   
    “I can take care of myself!” Duo suddenly blurted out and swiftly shut his mouth just as quickly.  
    The seven prostitutes looked over at him and Shi strode over to the bench.  
    “You’re awake, huh? How ya feeling?” he asked.  
    Duo analyzed himself. To his amazement, though his butt still throbbed quite a bit, someone had cleaned out the wounds in his back and had bandaged the wound on his neck and both his knees.   
    “Ok, I guess,” he murmured.  
    “You’re Duo, huh?” the shorter blonde asked.  
    Duo nodded, taken aback when the boy walked up to him with a grin on his face.  
    “Well, I’m Solo,” he introduced himself, “The chick’s Amaaya, you’ve already met Shi. The twins are Alex and Aluxiel, Aluxiel’s the one with the dye job. The redhead is Hi and the real quiet beauty over there is Yuki. Now what’s a little kid like you doing out so late at night?”  
    Duo frowned, hating being called a kid when he was twelve years old, just one year shy of being a teenager, hardly a little kid anymore. He almost missed the intense glares Alex and Aluxiel threw at Solo for being so chatty after what Shi had told them what had happened to Duo. Actually, the twins thought, the boy was taking the whole thing rather too well. Or at least, that was what Duo saw in their expressions. Shi had to have told them what had happened, and they to be thinking that his reaction to this whole mess wasn’t natural. It was normal to be scared, he had been that first time…  
    “You got any parents?” Shi asked, ignoring Solo’s rambling questions.  
    Duo shook his head.  
    “Just Wes, but he’s not my parent,” Duo said.  
    “Well, where do you live?” Alex asked.  
    “Park Street,” Duo replied, feeling a chill go up his spine, wondering if he should lie about such things.  
    “Well, why aren’t you there?” Solo asked, “What’s a bitty kid like you doing out here, especially this area?”  
    Duo had been fed up with the little kid talk the first time Solo had mentioned it and glared at him.  
    “I’m not a kid, and I was out whorin’, like all of ya!” he shot back.  
    Solo stared back at him with wide eyes.  
    “No way…” he started to protest.  
    “That guy ya killed was my customer,” Duo turned his attentions to Shi.  
    Shi, to Duo’s confusion, didn’t seem as shocked as Solo to hear he was a pro, his eyes just looked really, really sad in a way that made Duo want to cheer him up, if he only knew how.   
    “I’m pretty sure he stopped being a customer when he tried to kill you,” Shi quipped.  
    “He can’t be a whore,” Solo said, still upset at the idea of the cute little boy having anything to do with their profession, though the kid’s reaction to being raped did suggest he was either used to it, or he was in complete denial, “He’s just a baby.”  
    “ ‘m not a baby!” Duo pouted.   
    Shi froze, staring at Duo like he had done something totally shocking. A deep darkness filled the taller boy’s eyes, gaining the attentions of the rest of their group, and Duo. His fingers twitched as though he meant to reach out and hug Duo, but he kept them at his sides. Duo thought for a scary moment that the blonde might cry or something.  
    “Shi?” Hi asked cautiously and Duo realized that the redhead knew what was going on more than the others did.  
    Shi shook his head, breaking out of his thoughts.  
    “What?” he shot at Hi, “He’s not someone else’s, but he ain’t one of ours, either. Let’s just walk him home already.”  
    “You’re just going to cut him loose, knowing what he does?” Solo snapped.  
    Shi glared at him and Duo wasn’t sure if he should try to placate them or take sides. He was definitely with Shi on this one. Wes was going to kill him for coming home so late, but he still had Olson’s money, he had stuck it in the secret shirt pocket he had made, like he always did, so maybe he wouldn’t hit him too hard tonight.   
    “What do you want me to do?” Shi hissed, “Take him home with me? Tell him it’s all ok now? Or maybe I should tell him the truth, that life sucks and we can barely feed ourselves? I’ll tell you what I will do. I’m going to tell _you_ that you can’t save every kid that comes along and sometimes, all you can do, is see them home safe.”  
    Shi’s eyes were a mix of rage and sadness, but Duo could tell that he wasn’t angry at Solo, but at something else. Hi came up to Shi and placed a hand on the younger boy’s arm, not to hold him back, but for comfort.  
    “How about saving just one of them?” Solo prodded, but his voice was defeated, just as sad and torn as Shi’s.  
    “That’s enough, Solo!” Hi snarled and the show of fury from someone who was usually so passive served to shut Solo up.  
    The shorter blonde shot Shi a look of apology, which Shi seemed to accept, though no more words were exchanged between them.  
    “Well, if we’re just going to walk him home, we can at least give him some clothes,” Amaaya said dryly.   
    Duo blushed darkly, remembering that there was a girl in the crowd. Fortunately, his shirt was long enough to cover everything from his upper thighs to his neck, so he didn’t immediately die of embarrassment.  
    “And what are you going to do about it?” Aluxiel asked as Amaaya ruffled through her bag of clothes.   
    You never knew if a john preferred a redhead, a slut, or a catholic girl, so Amaaya, like any good prostitute, brought her wardrobe with her, just in case. When she pulled out a black skirt, Shi groaned loudly.  
    “I know the kid is pretty enough for it, but you are _not_ putting him in drag!” the red eyed boy whined.  
    Amaaya shot him an annoyed look.  
    “Have a little bit more faith in me, will ya?” she said in irritation.   
    All of them blushed as the girl promptly unbuttoned her shorts and slid them down her long legs. Duo got a flash of skimpy panties before he looked down at the ground as quick as possible. Girls were so weird… He looked back up when he felt something fall on his lap. They were the girl’s shorts.  
    “You can put those on,” Amaaya told him.  
    Duo dared to look over at her and saw she had put the skirt on. The hem of it was rough, like someone had torn it up, and Duo realized that that was how they had gotten bandages for his wounds.  
    “Slut,” Shi grumbled at her display of undressing.  
    “Bitch,” Amaaya quipped right back at him.  
    Duo figured that they had to be pretty good friends to call each other those things and not get into a huge fight, but the two of them were grinning, so it had to be alright. While Amaaya was looking at Shi, Duo slipped the shorts on. They were way too big for him, but they would do for the walk home. When he looked back over at them, Shi and Amaaya had stopped sniping at each other, but Solo was looking at Shi like someone had killed his dog, or more like he had let down a parent or brother. Duo realized that, for reasons he didn’t understand yet, Solo had truly hurt the other blonde with their fight and it made him feel bad, like he had caused a rift between the two boys, who were obviously very good friends.  
    “It’s not your fault,” Duo blurted out to Shi, “I know you can’t help me.”   
    Duo had meant to make his savior feel better, but it only seemed to make him look more depressed. When Shi smiled at him, it was small and weak, more like a mask than a real expression.  
    “That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try,” he said softly.   
    “But if you did… you’d just get hurt, maybe even killed!” Duo protested.   
    These people didn’t know Wes, but he did. He imagined what would happen if these guys tried to help him in any way. No matter which direction he thought in, it only ended in the deaths of these new friends, and himself. What would be the point in that?  
    “You live with your pimp?” Amaaya asked, frowning.  
    Duo nodded.  
    “He lets me live with him. But he’s dangerous. If he found out that you were trying to take me away from him, he’d kill you,” he informed them.  
    Duo had thought that Shi would rub that in Solo’s face, but he just looked like he had swallowed something especially bitter, like the fact that he couldn’t help was worse than being accused of not wanting to help.   
    “Well, it’s getting late,” the tall blonde finally surrendered to the inevitable, “We should get you home.”  
    Duo’s nod was rudely interrupted when Shi swept him up again, making the child squeak in surprise.  
    “What are you doing?!” he demanded shrilly.   
    “Taking you home, what does it look like, shorty?” Shi teased.  
    He had his arms around Duo’s waist, making Duo feel like he was a cub in the jaws of lion, he wasn’t sure if he was going to get eaten, or if he was in the safest place in the world. He realized that it would have been painful, but Shi was being careful, which only made the brunette feel funny inside.   
    Amaaya rolled her eyes, but she was smiling fondly at her friend.   
    “I’m not short!” Duo whined.  
    “Well, not right know, you’re not,” Shi said, pointing out that even at just chest level, Duo was pretty high up.   
    Duo relaxed in Shi’s grip, that feeling of trust coming over him again. He had never trusted anyone before, and with good reason. Even Sister Helen he had never trusted like this. But Shi was a whore, like him, and didn’t hate him. He also hadn’t looked at him like all of his customers did, and that meant a lot. Beyond that, Shi was strong, but kind, and Duo felt oddly safe with him. As the eight of them walked to Wes’ apartment, Duo had to fight the urge to fall back asleep. There was just something about this blonde, about all of them, that lulled him out of his usual tight sense of caution. Their mere presence was soothing, because they understood each other. He felt that he could be around them and they wouldn’t judge him for anything, because they understood what he was going through. Perhaps it was a childish feeling, but it existed inside of him nonetheless.   
    “Here,” Duo ordered once he realized he was three blocks away from the apartment.   
    “Are you sure?” Aluxiel asked, “You said Park Street.”  
    “Here!” Duo demanded, anxious that they might contest this decision.  
    To his surprise, Shi let him down.   
    “Here it is, then,” he simply said, but Duo saw in his eyes that Shi knew exactly why he didn’t want them near the apartment.   
    “Thank you,” the twelve year old said, meaning a lot more than he was saying.  
    “Any time,” Shi said with a grin.   
    Solo stepped out of the small throng of people. He rubbed at his neck nervously, looking down at their newfound friend.  
    “Look, I know I asked a lot of stupid stuff, and said some things that were a little insensitive-,” he said shyly.  
    “Don’t you always?” Alex teased.   
    Solo glared at him, his look softening when he looked back down at Duo.  
    “But if you ever need anything… or if you just want to hang out, we’re always at the same corner. So… you know… you can stop by… if you want. People like us don’t really stick up for each other all that much, but we consider you our friend, so you can look for us whenever you want to,” Solo offered.  
    Duo’s eyes widened at his words. He had thought of them as ‘friends’, because Shi had saved his life, had shown him kindness, and he saw bits and pieces of himself in these seven prostitutes. Now, though, as he looked from person to person, he saw Solo’s words echoed in their faces and that weird feeling inside of him exploded into something that he was far from ready to deal with.  
    “Ok,” he said with a nod.   
    Shi ruffled his hair like a brother would, but Duo didn’t pout at his protective actions this time, only felt indulged by them and managed a smile.  
    “See?” Shi grinned, “You’re beautiful when you smile.”  
    Duo blushed at the compliment and hurriedly walked in the direction of the apartment, feeling that, if he staid for too long, it would break something inside of him. He already didn’t want to leave, and that was a bad feeling. Life was hard enough without wanting things… wanting was a bad thing, a thing that was impossible to destroy once you got it going. He told himself these things, but he still glanced back. When he saw Solo talking to Shi, looking very serious, probably apologizing for his previous behavior, Duo smiled and for a moment, he felt that he was happy.   
    But that only made going back all the more painful.//  
  
  
  
  
End Part 20


	41. Surgery Part 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo faces Wes for the first time since he started living with the Yuys as his ex-pimp tries to abduct him from his job. Do Duo's friends stand any chance of saving him from the man that has held such power over him most of his life, or will they only be putting their own lives in danger when they come to his rescue?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 21  
  
    Duo had told Heero about Amaaya and the others once, just that once, back in Boston before everything had gone to shit and he and Heero had still been the best of friends. Heero had said that he wanted to meet them and Duo had told him that one day, he would, but that one day had never come. It would never come and that was all Duo’s fault. He had thought that day that it would be a lot like bringing a potential lover to meet the family, that bringing Heero to meet Solo and the others was like asking for their approval. But he had screwed up. He had put Heero in danger and more than that, he was such a coward, he couldn’t even talk to Amaaya. Some friend he was.   
    Shi had saved his life at least twice that he could remember and he had abandoned him, left him alone to think Wes had brutally killed him. Shi had to hate him, just like Heero had to. Wufei was right, his fears were driving away his friends. He had so few, would the day come, very soon, when he had none at all? He had nothing in the world but the people he had connected with. Without the Yuy’s, Quatre and Trowa, Wufei and Fai, Solo and the gang… what was he without these people that he loved? Just an ex-whore with more emotional baggage than three airports who couldn’t even keep his life together.   
    He had told Heero about his first meeting with his first real friends, but it had been a lie. After finally telling Heero about his past, Duo had vowed that he would try all that he could not to lie to him anymore, but in that moment, he couldn’t bear to tell the truth. He had told Heero that he had been restless and had settled for walking the streets late at night. The truth was that he had been working all day and by the time he had gotten off, it was late to begin with, but who wanted to hear something like that? He had told Heero that he had been stalked, which was the truth, but he never found out what the man wanted, which was a lie. He had said that Shi was also stalking the man, and had saved him before anything bad had happened, beating up his assailant. Lies, all lies.   
    When faced with having to tell Heero about that night, Duo could only think of lying, because Heero knew so much about his past. He knew the dirty things, the times he had been most afraid, all sorts of things that made Duo want to die of shame for having Heero, of all people, know them. Why should his best friend know another dirty little secret, that one dark night, when it hadn’t been too cold or too hot, and the moon had been full in the sky, he had silently begged a man to kill him? He never wanted Heero to know how close he had come to death, to wanting death, and that was before Chris had kidnapped him. How could he possibly tell him now, after they had both almost died? Why should Heero know that, at one time in Duo’s childhood, he had had so little respect for life, he had witness Shi kill a man and had felt nothing, that he had felt nothing at the prospect of his own death, but he had still cried, for reasons he still didn’t understand? He probably would never understand.   
    And what did it matter now? Yuki was dead, Amaaya, Alex, and Aluxiel were long gone, he hadn’t even seen Solo or Shi in months, and Wes had come back for him, maybe to kill him. Through all those months… through all that hope and darkness, Wes had found him again… Was there no limit to the man’s tenacity, to his resolve to control Duo? He could have let him go easily enough. Duo had been free for a very long time, and no action had come against Wes. So why should he come after him, to make sure he wouldn’t talk? Or was it just the fact that one of his sluts had gotten away and Wes felt slighted? Or was it that frightening notion that Wes had some sort of twisted feelings for him and would rather that he die than not be with him?   
    Seeing his abuser after all this time was making him feel things, bringing thoughts to the surface that he didn’t dare look at. He felt like he had been thrown into the past, back into his memories. Maybe he was dreaming. Maybe this wasn’t real. Maybe he had finally snapped and this was one of his blackouts. And yet… he couldn’t deny the things he was feeling when he looked into those grey eyes. He couldn’t deny the sick feeling in his stomach at the knowledge that he had just defied the one man who had instilled those mental blocks against such things.   
    Wes suddenly slapped him across the face, whipping Duo’s head to the side and forcing Duo out of his thoughts. The blow and the feeling of intense heat and throbbing on his cheek gave Duo a deep sense of déjà vu. He almost laughed at himself. Of course he should get déjà vu! Wes had smacked him around so many times, déjà vu was a pretty weak way to describe it. Had he survived this long, only to find that absolutely nothing had changed? Wes was the same man that he had always been while Duo had been trying so hard to both strive to change, and to fight against it, longing for some solid ground to stand on. It was just too bad that that solid ground had been filled with cracks from day one. Those cracks had only grown bigger and bigger as time had passed, finally shattering when he had met Heero.   
    Had all this… normal life been a mere vacation and Wes was going to drag him back to the nightmare place where nothing had changed? And was he so… lonely for stability and love that he was actually considering going back with him? For the first time in his life, he actually cared about what was going to happen to him. He told himself that, if Wes did kidnap him instead of killing him, Name would find him. If Wes was tenacious, then so was Name Yuy. It was just hard to tell his ego, or lack of one, that the woman would want to search for him that hard. He just… he felt like he was going insane. Did he want to stay, or go? Did he want to cling to this man… this monster in front of him, or did he want to go running to Name? Would they forever be the two choices in his life; one darkness, but foreseeable, the other light, but chaotic? He wanted to be loved… but what was the cost?  
    There was a cost for everything, he had known that key rule for as long as he could remember. Everything had a price, why should love be any different? No matter who he chose, he would have to sacrifice something, but the sacrifices… he wasn’t even entirely sure what he was giving up, feeling like he was going into this blindly.   
    “You’ve changed,” Wes said, almost mournfully, as he studied Duo’s face, “Never in a million years would you raise your voice to me. That boy did this to you, didn’t he?”  
    Duo stared back at Wes, his heart racing. Once again, he heard his instincts screaming at him to cower, like a beaten dog, but the courage and self-respect that Name had just begun to teach him refused to do it. For once in his miserable life, he had to stand up to this man. That’s what that part of him was telling him. Just this once… even if it got him killed… even if he loved Wes, which he still wasn’t willing to acknowledge, he wouldn’t become a slave again. And there was a bitterness inside of him at Wes’s blow, too. It was a bitterness that he had felt only a handful of times in the past and it had nothing to do with the pain and bruise on his face.  
    It always came back to Heero with Wes, maybe for Duo, too. But right then, his feelings had nothing to do with that. Maybe Heero had changed him, no, it was more like definitely. Of course Heero had changed him, how could he have spent so much time around the strong, beautiful boy and not have changed? But he had screamed at Wes, had told him his sorrow over losing Yuki and not getting to say goodbye. For the first time in his life, he had opened up to Wes, honestly, even if it had been in anger and sadness, and the man had hit him. Wes didn’t give a shit about Yuki or how Duo felt. He said that he loved him, but that seemed so superficial.   
    Name would care. That was the point, wasn’t it? Name would care. If he came to her and told her about Yuki, about how much he had loved him and how much it hurt that he was gone, he was quite sure, as sure as he was about anything else, that she would hug him tight and shed a few tears for the sweet, quiet boy who had been slaughtered, and who no one had known shit all about. Wes didn’t care, he didn’t care to the point that he refused to even address it. What was the point of love if he couldn’t even make Wes understand, to care? With Wes, he saw exactly where the road went. With Name, there was just so much in the way, he couldn’t see if the road bent, let alone where it would lead him to.  
    Wes’ road was safe, because he knew what would happen once he surrendered to it. Of course, the path was bleak as all hell, but it was something he could see. Name’s path… but that was good, too, wasn’t it? He couldn’t see it, but that meant it had limitless possibilities. They could be bad, but he would never know unless he kept going on the way he was, staying with her and Heero, trying to become better… He felt Wes wrap his fingers around his neck, but the grip wasn’t tight or even in warning, it was warm, and his fingers traced over his skin, making Duo shiver, though it wasn’t from the cold air.  
    “You owe me your life, you know,” Wes murmured, “I could have let Chris kill you in Boston. I should have let him kill you, you and that Jap piece of shit. I hope you realize how hard it was to call him off. I only did it because I love you and I couldn’t bear to do something like that to you.”  
    Duo swallowed roughly, a tear going down his cheek as he felt Wes press his hard body against his own.   
    “I know,” he whispered brokenly.  
    Of course he knew. He had known it the second that phone call had come in. He owed Wes his life. This new thing, which was just starting to become precious to him, that he was finally starting to love and cherish, and he owed to one of the monsters in his past. How wrong was that? He appreciated Wes for it, because he knew first hand that Wes never showed mercy. He had seen the man blow away old friends for a lot less than what Duo had done. All logic told him he should be dead ten times over by now, yet here he was, here they were, and he was still breathing. It defied everything he knew about Wes and that scared him.   
    “Please, please let me go,” he begged, starting to cry harder.  
Wes hated weakness, and he especially hated crying, so Duo was surprised when the man kissed his cheek where he had hit him instead of screaming at him or hitting him even harder. That plea hadn’t worked on Chris and he didn’t expect it to work on Wes, but…  
    “No,” Wes said firmly, and leaned in to kiss the teenager.  
    But once those words left Wes’ mouth, Duo felt something heavy clamp around his heart and squeeze painfully. More hot tears fell, trailing down his neck. Wes’ lips were hot and insanely passionate as he practically attacked Duo’s mouth. He could feel his familiar tongue press against his own closed lips and before he could find the ability to deny him access, he instinctively opened his mouth. He felt Wes slip a hand under his shirt and felt his body shake at the sensation. He felt like he was going to throw up. He had thought, no, he had wished, that once Heero had saved him that night, so very long ago, he would never have to do this again… but it was like… it was like it was fate and he couldn’t stop it anymore than he could stop the wind from blowing.   
    “Get off of him!” a very familiar voice screeched in fear and panic and Wes suddenly let go of Duo, pushing away from him.   
It was dark out, but the nearby lamps gave Duo all the light he needed.  
    “’Fei,” he breathed out in disbelief, but there was his Chinese friend, standing in the clearing with them, his body tight and dropped in an offensive stance that Duo didn’t recognize.   
It was like watching lightning as Wufei darted forward and aimed a lethal looking kick at Wes’ head. Duo didn’t know who was more shocked, himself or Wufei, when Wes quickly, with the air of a street fighter compared to Wufei’s textbook martial art stance, kicked Wufei’s other leg out from under him, sending the teenager crashing to the ground.   
    “Stop it!” Duo screamed as he watched his friend fall to the ground.  
    He got to his feet, ready to do whatever he had to to save Wufei, all issues of mental blocks and allegiances gone at the sight of Wufei’s fall. Wes growled when he saw Duo about to go to his friend and dug a black cylinder from his pocket. Duo was taken aback at the move, thinking that Wes would go for his gun. Wes hit a button on the side and the cylinder expanded into the shape of a baton. With a hit of another button, electricity sparkled around the long rod of the baton. Duo was completely unprepared when Wes grabbed him by his shirt and hit him with a blinding force with the baton twice, in his stomach and his thigh.  
    Duo didn’t have time to scream in pain as electricity shot through his body and he lost the ability to move his legs. He fell to the ground, his lower body spasming, and glared up at Wes, only able to use his arms, which was useless at this point. Pain hit him in incredible waves and he fought against the urge to vomit, unable to stop the spasms.   
    “Duo!” Wufei gasped, getting to his feet.  
    He saw the gun that was tucked in Wes’ belt and ran towards him, terrified that, with Duo immobilized, and clearly in some pain, the man in front of him would shoot his friend. He had no idea what was going on and he didn’t care. All he knew was that Duo was in trouble, and right now, he was his only protector. What in the hell was taking Trowa and Heero so long anyway?!   
    “Damn kids,” Wes ground out, “Like fucking cockroaches.”   
    Wufei was fast, but he was in a panic, leaving himself open to the punch in the stomach that Wes threw at him. Wes was also bigger and stronger than Wufei was, by a lot, and the blow sent him back to the ground.   
    “Do yourself a favor, runt,” he snapped as Wufei curled into a pained ball, clutching his throbbing stomach, “And stay down this time.”  
    Giving Wufei a final glare, he turned to Duo, who was still twitching and lying on his stomach, tears tracking down his cheeks at the pain. The last time Wes had used that damn thing on him, it had been as punishment, and it hadn’t been on the outside of his body. In comparison to having that nasty thing penetrating him and Wes actually fucking him with it, this wasn’t nearly as bad, but that didn’t mean he could move any quicker. Five minutes, maybe even ten, but before that, he was useless and Wes could do whatever he wanted to him. Goddamn it, but it was Boston all over again! He was helpless and one of his friends was going to pay the price unless he did something about it!   
    “This could have been simple,” Wes glared at Duo as he approached him, “Just you and me, now I have to kill this brat, too.”  
    Panic flared inside Duo and the only things keeping him still were his numb legs.  
    “No! Please, he has nothing to do with this!” Duo begged, “If you kill him, he has family and friends that will come looking for him!”  
    ‘Fai,’ Duo thought in devastation, ‘I can’t let Fai down… I have to save ‘Fei, somehow…’  
    “He got involved the second he butted in,” Wes snapped.   
    The bushes from where Wufei had come from suddenly parted and, like guardian angels, or some sort of holy vision, Trowa and Heero darted out, followed by Quatre.  
    “What the-,” Heero started.  
    “What are you, a pack of wolves?” Wes grumbled.  
    Duo’s eyes widened as he saw Wes take out his gun from behind his back where his three friends couldn’t see it.  
    “Wes, don’t!” he screamed.  
    His dream came back to him where he had seen Heero being shot by Zechs and he felt like that terrible nightmare was coming to life.  
    “Heero, gun!” he yelled at his best friend, but it fell on deaf ears once Heero heard Duo scream the man’s name.  
    Heero’s face contorted into one of intense rage, making him appear like the animal that Wes had called him. Quatre gasped as he and Trowa finally realized who the blonde man was.   
    “You bastard!” he roared and lunged at Wes suddenly.  
    Wes raised the gun as quickly as he could, surprised by Heero’s sudden, chaotic attack. Duo thought that his heart had actually stopped when he saw his past guardian fire off a single shot.   
    Quatre’s scream was nearly deafening, but not nearly as loud as the sound of the bullet hitting one of the metal lampposts and ricocheting into a nearby tree when Wes missed Heero by mere inches. Heero tackled Wes, but the man was heavier and taller than him and ended up flinging the Japanese boy to the ground. Heero was like a rabid dog, on his feet in milliseconds and continuing their scuffle. Wes was the first one to manage a blow, punching Heero in the neck. Duo watched Heero fall in horror, thinking that Wes was going to manage another shot when the blonde man found his gun among the leaves, but Trowa was like a cheetah, even faster than Wufei had been, kicking the gun out of Wes’ hand and finally managing to punch the man in the chest.   
    Quatre watched all of this with his breath in his throat. Even his lover’s punch hadn’t done much, leaving Wes winded for only a second before he was dodging Trowa’s attacks. The little blonde wasn’t a fighter or even a good runner and he felt helpless. Duo and Wufei were too far away for him to run to without getting spotted. Heero was quickly on his feet and Quatre realized that it was only his intense hatred for Duo’s abuser that was keeping him in the fight. The blow to his neck had left a terrible looking bruise and he was wheezing for air, so Quatre was completely shocked when Heero landed a vicious blow to the side of Wes’ head, dazing the much stronger man. There was an insane grin on Heero’s face as Wes stumbled and Quatre knew that Heero had been waiting a very long time to hit the man. If he wasn’t so terrified, he would have wanted to do exactly the same thing.   
    Trowa had a hard time keeping up with the brawl between Wes and Heero, being so concentrated on Duo, who seemed to be incapable of movement for some reason. A surge of protectiveness welled up in him and he wanted to run to the longhaired boy, to keep him safe and get him as far away from the monster Heero was trying to beat to a pulp as he could, but in order to do that, they needed to knock Wes out or something… He just felt like he was in shock from Wes’ mere presence, the boogieman that they had heard Duo talk about so many times, but he had never imagined he would ever actually meet the bastard. He had to die… rage filled Trowa’s heart. They had to kill Wes, not because he was threatening Duo, but because of what he had already done. This man had raped his friend, a mere child, and had kept him locked up and repressed for most of his life. Hell, this… man was the source of all of Duo’s sorrows and pain, and he was responsible for Duo almost dying, at least twice since they had met him. Wes deserved to die just for one of those things, let alone all of them.   
    Suddenly, a shot rang out into the air and they all flinched, sure that Wes had, somehow, gotten the gun back. Then, Wes turned and Quatre’s eyes widened as he saw Wufei standing behind the man, the gun held in his hands, pointing the gun straight at Wes’ chest, though the last shot had been aimed for the tree next to him. Wufei’s hands shook as he held the gun, something he had never even seen before, let alone had control of. Wufei had no idea what was happening or how it had happened. The gun had just been in front of him and he had grabbed it and…   
    “What do you think you’re going to do with that, kid?” Wes asked and Trowa noted in astonishment that the man wasn’t even slightly scared, he was looking at Wufei condescendingly.   
    Was this guy completely sociopathic, Trowa thought, that he wasn’t even scared for his own life? Wes walked towards Wufei defiantly as Wufei’s hands continued to shake at the knowledge of what he was holding. He could kill someone with this thing, he realized, and immediately felt sick at the thought.   
    “I-I’m going to kill you!” he stammered as Wes continued to walk towards him.  
    “Oh, really?” Wes asked with a grin, “You think you can do something like that?”  
    Wufei nodded hesitantly.  
    “Well, I’m not so sure,” Wes was practically teasing Wufei now, “For one, you’re aiming at my chest, little boy. You want to kill a man, you aim for his head. All sorts of ways you can fuck up when you shoot a man in the heart. Now, in the head, even if you screw up, he ain’t going anywhere any time soon.”  
    Almost obediently, Wufei lifted the gun to aim at Wes’ head. It wasn’t very hard. Wes was so close to him, the barrel almost touched Wes’ forehead.   
    “Good. Now, if you’re really serious about killing a man, you look him in the eyes. Only pansies shoot a guy in the back of the head. You look me right in the eyes, boy, and now you tell me that you’re going to kill me,” Wes demanded.  
    In that instant, Wufei completely understood what Duo had told him in the hospital, so very long ago. He had chastised Duo for not fighting against this man when he had raped him, but now he understood, more than he ever wanted to. Here he was, he had the gun in his hands, his finger on the trigger, and Wes’ skull lay out like a gift, and he was frozen. Completely frozen to the spot. He looked into Wes’ eyes, though he didn’t want to, and felt what Duo must have felt every time he did the same, complete and total terror. Looking into the man’s eyes was like looking into a pool of nothingness. It was like looking into a dark closet and finding out that the monsters from your childhood really did exist. In that moment, he empathized with Duo, and he was only looking at him for a second, Duo had been forced to live with this monster. The coldness of those grey eyes caused Wufei to make a vital mistake; he looked away.   
    Wes’ eyes grew intense and he grabbed the gun from the Chinese boy and aimed it between Wufei’s dark eyes.  
    “Now,” he said with a cruel smile, “I’ll show you what it takes to really kill somebody.”  
    Ice filled Wufei’s stomach and he felt his heart stop. All of sudden, Wes pitched forward, but the gun didn’t go off. He whirled and stared in shock at Duo, who was standing behind him, a huge tree branch clutched in his white fingers. Duo was panting with exertion and Wes felt pride that the boy had gotten control of his legs so quickly. Then he noticed the redness that was staining the branch and he shakily pressed his fingers to the back of his neck and head. They came away brilliantly red and Wes’ face paled at the realization of what had just occurred.  
    “You… what did you do?” he gasped out.  
    There was no way that Duo had just done that… no way… Duo stared at him with the exact same expression, shocked at his actions. He almost blurted out ‘I’m sorry’, Wes’ expression filling him with sickness, shock, guilt, and, oddly, excitement, but he bit it off. He had just saved Wufei’s life, there was no way in hell he was going to apologize for it! Did Wes’ control over him really run this deeply?   
    “Leave him alone,” Heero’s rough voice, a near feral growl, demanded, “Just leave him the hell alone!”   
    The gun in Wes’ hand was the only thing that kept Heero from engaging the man in a fight again, that and Duo’s proximity to the one man on the planet that Heero really didn’t want him near. Still, he felt an incredible pride, just like Wes’, that Duo had finally stood up to his abuser. Wes looked at his rival, his eyes just as feral and insane as Heero’s were.  
    “ ‘Leave him alone’?” Wes asked in confusion, “Why would I ever do that?”  
    The teenagers stared at Wes incredulously, unable to believe the depths of his obsession.  
    “And what about you, Yuy?” the blonde snapped, “Could you let him go?”  
    Heero felt frozen by the accusation. This man understood how he felt, he realized. Wes loved Duo, too… No! his mind shouted back at him angrily. Wes didn’t love Duo, he wanted to possess him, to hurt him, that wasn’t love, just insane obsession! He would never let Wes claim that he loved him! That was the difference between them… if Duo asked it, Heero would let him go, because what else mattered in the world besides Duo smiling, besides him being happy? If he couldn’t have that… nothing else mattered.   
    “I can’t let him go,” Wes murmured, “Not ever. I won’t let him go. You can’t shelter him forever, either.”  
    “I’ll protect him!” Heero swore, “Until my dying breath, I’ll protect him from scum like you!”   
    Duo stared at Heero in shock, as though he couldn’t believe Heero would say something like that.   
    “Oh, really?” Wes smirked.   
    He pointed the gun at Duo and fired. Duo dropped the tree branch as the bullet pierced his shoulder, pain exploding in the wound. His eyes went wide and his face drained of color. He looked at Wes in betrayal even as blood blossomed on his shirt.  
    “See?” Wes said mockingly to Heero, who looking like he was about to go completely off the deep end at the assault, “You can’t even protect him now.”  
    “You’re insane,” Quatre whispered, terrified of what he saw in the man’s eyes.   
    Heero turned to Wes, his face filled with insane rage and made to leap at the man, not caring about the consequences.  
    “Heero, no!” Wufei ran to him and grabbed his arms, holding him back.  
    Heero fought against Wufei like an animal, but Wufei refused to release him.  
    “Looks like your friends have more brains than you do. What Duo sees in a brat like you, I’ll never know,” Wes spat.   
    He looked at Duo, who had his hand clenched around his shoulder, uselessly trying to stop the flow of blood.   
    “We’re too entangled in each other for me to let him go. He’ll figure that out soon enough,” Wes said.   
    Wes raised the gun again, this time aiming at the lamppost and fired. The bullet shattered the bulb and sent the forest into darkness. Quatre, feeling useful for the first time that night, got his phone out of his pocket and used the flashlight app he had on it to light up their way. Light filled the area, a little less than before, but Wes was long gone.  
    “Who does he think he is?” Wufei ground out, “Batman?”   
    ‘Why didn’t he just kill all of us? Or maybe this is just a big game to him, scare the shit out of all of us, make us think he can come for Duo and kill us whenever he wants…’ Wufei thought, but didn’t say it out loud.   
    Trowa and Heero ran to Duo’s side as the boy knelt on the ground, breathing heavily in pain.  
    “Duo, let me see,” Heero ordered, trying to place a hand on Duo’s bleeding shoulder.  
    Right away, Heero’s two main concerns were the shock he knew was coming and Duo’s anemia. As he touched Duo’s shoulder, Duo flinched from him and pain and bitterness filled Heero’s heart.   
    ‘Of course he doesn’t want me to touch him,’ Heero thought angrily, ‘I failed him, again. Wes is right, I can’t protect him. I couldn’t protect him in Boston and I can’t protect him here. He’ll ask Trowa to take care of him. Trowa kept his head, he didn’t fly off the handle like a fucking animal. Trowa always knows what to do.’  
    “Don’t…” Duo gasped out.  
    ‘Don’t touch me,’ he thought, ‘Don’t let my blood touch you… I can’t lean on you, I have to be strong, then you won’t hate me anymore… I have to… I can’t… I… why am I pushing you away? Why did I ever push you away? I can’t remember…’  
    He was so confused… was it the pain or the panic that was starting to fill him? Heero started to stand and that panic intensed. His hand moved, almost as though it had a mind of its own, and grabbed onto Heero’s arm.  
    “Don’t leave me,” he begged, clinging onto his best friend.  
    Heero stared at him with wide eyes. Duo had reached out to him and he was begging him… how could he ever refuse?   
    “I’m right here,” he soothed as Trowa shrugged off his jacket and handed it to him.  
    “Thanks,” he nodded to Trowa, his bitterness and anger at him leaving him all at once.  
    Heero tried to use the jacket to wipe up the blood, but there was a lot of it.  
    ‘He needs a transfusion,’ he realized in fear.  
    He also realized that there was no exit wound in the back of Duo’s shoulder, which meant surgery, at the very least… That was when he and Trowa noticed that their friend was starting to hyperventilate. Trowa fell to his knees and gathered Duo up into a rough hug. Heero let him, for some reason no longer feeling jealous, just wanting Trowa to give Duo some sort of comfort.  
    “I’m sorry,” Trowa whispered as he held Duo tightly.  
    Duo wrapped his arms around the tall boy and let him shelter him.  
    “I’m so sorry,” Trowa repeated, “I’ll protect you, I promise. No matter what happens… I’ll protect you.”   
    Duo squeezed his eyes shut, just taking comfort in the presence of his friends. Memories were starting to boil up, terrible, violent things, and he didn’t want to remember.   
    ‘Take this burden from me,’ he wanted to beg, but he never would. He could never ask that from anyone but himself. Fuck, he didn’t want to remember…   
    Quatre and Wufei shared a worried look as Duo started to laugh.  
    “He said I owed him my life and he was right,” Duo said as he laughed crazily, “That first time… he choked me… but he saved me… then Boston… and I love him for that. He saved me and I love him…”  
    Duo’s laughter became indiscernible from his sobs and his hands clutched at Trowa’s back in anguish and desperation for contact. Quatre looked like he might start crying, too. Heero hugged Trowa and Duo together.  
    “It’s ok, it’s going to be ok,” he promised.   
    Duo let go of Trowa, his laughter and sobs stopping abruptly. He wiped almost violently at his face, cleaning off his tears. Trowa put Duo in Heero’s lap, which Duo didn’t seem to notice, but Heero wrapped his arms around him. His heart suddenly realized it. Duo had chosen him, not Trowa. He thought he would surely die with how that made him feel and he was surprised that he wasn’t crying, too.   
    “I’m ok now,” Duo said, but his voice was flat and he didn’t try to get off Heero’s lap.   
    “We need to get him to the hospital,” Trowa whispered to Quatre and Wufei as Heero continued to see the bullet wound, “And we need to do it as soon as possible. His wound isn’t life threatening, but he’s going to go into shock at any minute.”  
    “Shock? But he seems fine now,” Wufei said in confusion.   
    Trowa’s intense green eyes held Wufei’s captive.  
    “Look him in the eyes,” Trowa demanded, “And remember who it was that we just saw.”  
    Wufei’s eyes widened as he understood what Trowa was saying and he looked over at Duo. He was staying completely still as Heero tried to bandage his wound, but the stillness was unnatural, like he was frozen, and his eyes held a startling quality that Wufei had never seen before.  
    “Fuck,” he whispered.  
    “This is going to be bad,” Quatre murmured.   
    “Can you stand?” Trowa heard Heero ask and he turned his attention back to their injured friend.   
    Duo was starting to stand up and Heero had his hand in the middle of the longhaired boy’s back to keep him steady.  
    “I think so,” Duo murmured.  
    “I don’t think so,” Wufei scolded, walking up the braided boy, “I saw what he did to you. He hit you with a stun gun, twice, it’s a miracle you’re moving at all! You probably have burst blood vessels, at the very least!”  
    Quatre and Trowa watched Wufei rant in amusement. As much as Wufei claimed that he wanted nothing to do with his mother’s profession, they both knew that the Chinese boy could recite all the things that could have happened as a result of being struck with a stun gun. Then the fact that Wes had electrocuted Duo finally clicked and they stared at the American. Quatre fought the urge to run to him again, this time because Heero and Wufei seemed to have a handle on things.  
    “I’m fine,” Duo protested, “And I can walk.”  
    “Uh-huh,” Wufei said, clearly unconvinced, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”  
    Duo gave him a small, annoyed look and defiantly stumbled to his feet. He made it exactly one and a half steps before a strong tremor went up one of his legs and without Heero’s hand holding him up, he nearly fell to his knees. In complete synchronization with each other, both Wufei and Heero grabbed the back of Duo’s shirt and pulled him back upright.   
    “Yeah, you can walk,” Heero said gruffly.   
    “Just give me a minute,” Duo protested.  
    “You’re bleeding all over the place, I’m not giving you thirty seconds,” Heero snapped, his anxiety over seeing Duo shot making him heavily impatient.   
    He grabbed Duo’s arm, ready to drag him back through the store if he had to in order to get him to safety. His resolve broke when Duo looked up at him with pleading, violet eyes.  
    “Heero… please don’t make me go through the store like that,” he begged.  
    Heero faltered. His over-protectiveness of Duo told him to damn the other boy’s pride, he was hurt and he wasn’t going to risk making things worse with those muscle spasms, but his pure love for him couldn’t force Duo to do anything that he didn’t want, unless that something would get him killed.   
    “Fine,” he grumbled, “But I’m still going to help you.”  
    Duo gave him a small smile and they continued along with Wufei keeping a hand on his back to make him steady. Heero, Trowa, and Quatre walked carefully behind them with Heero watching Duo’s legs for any tremors.   
    “Softie,” Trowa leaned in and whispered in Heero’s ear playfully, “I never would have pegged you for a sucker for a pair of doe, violet eyes.”  
    “Oh, shut up,” Heero growled at him.   
    Quatre fought against a smile. Both Wufei and Heero had almost died today. Perhaps all of them had been staring death in the face. Duo had been electrocuted, shot, and who knows what else. Both Wufei and Heero had been punched around. It seemed like only Quatre and Trowa had come out of this unscathed, but that wasn’t a fair evaluation. They had met Wes, the worst monster that plagued all of Duo’s nightmares. Who knew what was going on in Duo’s head and heart right now, but here they were, making jokes at Heero’s expense. It didn’t seem right, but what else was there?   
Trowa was right. Soon, very soon, the darkness would catch up with Duo and they would have a lot to deal with, but not now. All he could think about, which was silly considering the circumstances, was how Duo had reached out to Heero and how not once in the last hour, had he ordered Heero not to touch him.     He had clung to him, just like he used to. He was terrified of what had just happened, but his heart felt oddly light. Tonight, he would have nightmares, they all would, but for now they were safe, they were all safe… but then again… these people had come for Duo in Boston and now here, so close to a retail store, where Duo was supposed to be protected. Had any of them ever been safe? As though that thought was linked, psychically in all of them, a heavy silence fell on the group of friends as they escorted Duo back inside the Cottage.  
*****  
    “Duo, are you trying to tell me something?” Hilde teased as she saw her students come in through the back door, all huddled around Duo, who was clutching his shoulder and looking a little pained, “It seems like every time I see you, you have some sort of injury.”  
    She should have been on her way already, having finally picked out something to buy, but she had wanted to say goodbye to Duo first, and the way his friends had ran through the back door, saying that Duo should have been out front waiting by now, had worried her. Duo didn’t have the greatest track record when it came to looking out for himself and he didn’t disappoint this time, either. With the way that he was clutching his shoulder, Hilde thought that he might have hit it on the dumpster or something, but as he got closer, she saw that his hand was stained with blood. The way that his friends were surrounding him made Hilde think of a pack of wolves and she remembered how Duo had told her that, as long as he was with his friends, he would be protected. She wasn’t sure how to take this new injury, then. He had clearly gotten himself hurt, and by the looks of it, seriously, but he was still standing, and that was something.   
    “Oh, my god, Duo!” Sarah nearly screamed as she and Mr. Hastings came over to see what had taken Duo so long.  
His bloody hand, clamped over his shoulder, was a beacon and Mr. Hastings was already ordering her to call 911 even as Sarah ran over to Duo to inspect him.  
    “Duo, what happened?!” she demanded, ignoring Hastings’ yell.   
    “He’ll be ok,” Quatre assured her, not wanting a panic to insue.   
    He wished that they hadn’t had to take Duo back through the store just to get to Heero’s care, it was inevitable that his coworkers would cause a fuss over this. What on Earth were they going to tell them? How could they possibly explain how Duo had gotten shot without divulging the secrets of Duo’s past that he still wasn’t comfortable talking about, especially to the people he just worked with. It was only Heero’s intense glare that kept the girl from trying to look at Duo’s wound and it made Quatre wonder about Duo’s ability to instill loyalty in nearly everyone.   
    His longhaired friend had only been working at this store for a few months, but these people were so worried about him. Duo seemed to either make the people around him fall in love with him, or hate him. Just look at all of them, they were usually very closed off, distrustful around everyone except for their little group. Heero, Quatre, and Trowa had a hard time making friends, because they understood, even before Relena’s betrayal, that very few people could be trusted, but they had connected to Duo so quickly, even after figuring out that he had been lying to them. Something like that should have been seen as a major betrayal, but here they were, the best of friends.   
    And then there was Wes. The man was a monster; a drug dealer, psychopath, pimp, bully, murderer, and who knew what else. Such a man could never form any real attachments. Wes struck Quatre as someone was incapable of having, let alone understanding, such an intimate thing as friendship or a close connection with another human being. Maybe Chris was his right hand man, but Quatre seriously doubted that Wes trusted him. But tonight he had risked his welfare and secrecy to come back for Duo himself, not to punish Duo or shut him up, but because he had ‘missed him’. He wanted Duo by his side, a man that was so cold, he had been ready to shoot Wufei in cold blood. Quatre could understand why Wes had wanted to kill Heero, even that bastard could see that there was some sort of link between the two boys, but why Wufei? At that point, the Chinese boy had been helpless and Wes had tried to mow him down, just out of spite, or perhaps merely because he had the power to do so.   
    That sort of man was terrifying because he had no limits. He no longer seemed to have any fear of what Name could do to him, or maybe he had never had that fear to begin with. He just couldn’t understand why Wes had let them all go. He had had the gun in hand, but he hadn’t killed any of them, even Heero. His obsession with Duo was also frightening. What had he said? That Duo and he were entangled and, he had insinuated, when Duo figured out, he would come to him of his own free will. Quatre knew that would never happen. He just refused to believe that Duo would go back to the one place he freely called ‘Hell’. But Duo’s current attitude was just as scary as Wes’. He had just met the man that scared him the most, that had hurt him more than anyone else, but he wasn’t crying anymore. He wasn’t freaking out like Quatre knew that he should, he was just… numb. No, it wasn’t even that.   
    Duo was’t acting like a zombie, he was acting like someone with a role to play. It was like he was pushing down all of his feelings, pretending that everything was just fine. He was even smiling at Sarah as his shoulder bled and his right leg shook a little. Quatre saw the pain and unfathomable darkness in Duo’s eyes and knew that that smile wasn’t real. But Duo couldn’t wear it forever, Quatre knew that, soon, that mask would crack and he had no idea what would happen at that point. He wanted to believe that Heero’s presence, Duo reaching out to him, was what had given Duo the strength to not fall apart yet, but he knew that that wasn’t it. Or, maybe it was. Maybe Heero’s opinion of him was so important to Duo, he was willing to deny himself any real feeling, just so Heero wouldn’t have to see him break down.  
    Quatre wasn’t a psychologist, but he knew his friends well and was good at reading people. He knew that Duo’s fear of losing Heero, his memories of that moment when Heero had struck him and called him disgusting, were so powerful, Duo was pushing Heero away just to make sure Heero couldn’t see how weak he felt. Boston, in Duo’s mind, had showed Heero that Duo was powerless against the monsters of his past and Duo truly believed that Heero looked down on him for that. Quatre was sure that there was a lot more than that to it, but he also knew that that was one of Duo’s very worst fears.   
    “Don’t bother calling for an ambulance,” Wufei told Hastings, “We’re taking him there now. It’ll be much faster, especially with Heero’s car.”  
    “What happened to him?” Hastings demanded, looking at Duo, “Did you try to use the machine? I told you not to, you don’t know how to use it, I never trained you.”  
    “He was shot,” Heero snapped, angry that the man was accusing Duo of something that he would never do.   
    Both Sarah and Hastings looked at Duo in shock. They both knew that this town had its dark spots, but not here, not near their little store. Sarah saw Duo’s bleeding shoulder, but couldn’t understand why anyone would shoot the boy.   
    “Was it Merquise?” Hilde asked, her expression tight.  
    She never would have pegged Zechs for the sort of thug that went around shooting people, but nowadays… the boy was so tightly wound, she found that it didn’t take much a stretch in her imagination to see him doing it, especially to Duo.   
    “No,” Quatre said with a shake of his head, “Zechs had nothing to do with this.”   
    “I’m fine,” Duo tried to assure them.  
    “You still have a bullet in your shoulder!” Quatre scolded, “You are far from fine!”  
    “Yeah, I think I can feel it in there,” Duo remarked with a wince, rolling his shoulder a little.  
    “Don’t fidget,” Wufei ordered, “Or you’ll just make it worse.”  
    Duo gave him a small smile. He really didn’t understand why Wufei claimed that he had no desire to become a doctor like his mother. He was well suited for it. Wufei was bright and picked up all the little stories his mom told about her job easily. He liked to help people and Duo thought that he had a much better bedside manner than any of the doctors he had met. Of course, the only doctors that had ever really taken care of him were the off the radar ones Wes got when he hurt Duo too badly to take care of it themselves and Stark. Those men had never really cared about Duo, had just patched him up like a mechanic would do a faulty bit of machienery. They had cut corners a lot, too, not caring if they left scars. Then there was Stark who, though an excellent doctor, wasn’t such a great person. Duo thought that Wufei would be a wonderful doctor and wondered why Wufei was so sure that he wouldn’t be.   
    “Come on,” Trowa urged, “We need to go.”  
    “Duo, do you need help?” Sarah asked nervously.  
    “Nah,” he said with a shake of his head, “These guys are taking care of me pretty well.”  
    Hastings watched the group of boys as they shuffled out of there, wondering if he should call the cops or not. In the end, it was Duo’s business, wasn’t it? He didn’t even know if the shooting had happened on his property, and honestly, he wasn’t sure if it was the wisest thing to get involved with this.   
    The more Duo walked, the less his legs shook, and by the time they got to Heero’s car, he no longer needed support. To Heero’s continuous surprise, Duo sat in the passenger’s seat up front instead of in back with Quatre or Trowa. It was the first time since Boston that Duo had sat next to him in the car. Before then, he had done it so often that his place there had never been contested and even Wufei knew to sit in the back. But after Boston, Duo had stopped doing it and it was usually Quatre or Trowa who sat next to him. Now, the sight of Duo sitting back in his usual seat filled him with an incredible joy.  
    He wanted to believe, so very badly, that things were fixed between them, but he knew that it wasn’t that simple. So many things that needed to be said had gone on silent. Duo was terrified after having Wes attack him, so he was clinging to Heero as an old instinct, searching for comfort where it had so often come from. And Heero would give it to him. As long as Duo asked for it, Heero would always give Duo anything he needed. But he couldn’t allow himself to hope that Duo’s issues with him were settled just because he was leaning on him again. Even if they were, they still needed to talk about this. And what if he believed that things were settled, but as soon as Duo was better, his fears settled, he would start pushing Heero away again? He couldn’t deal with that. He was sure it would happen, but for now, Duo needed him and that was the only thing that mattered.  
    Quatre sat in between Trowa and Wufei in the back seat. It wasn’t a very long drive to the hospital, but the blonde could easily see the tension in Heero’s back and the way that Duo’s shoulders were drooped, as though he were about to fall asleep, but Quatre was sure that he wouldn’t. Though it was less obvious than in Heero, Quatre could see a similar tension in Duo’s smaller frame. They had been lucky… so very lucky. It was just like in Boston, and maybe that was a part of Heero’s problem. It was just as Wes had said, for all of their desires towards protecting Duo, to make sure he was safe and healthy and looked after, in reality, they couldn’t do anything. They were helpless. In Boston, Duo and Heero should have died in the hotel room. It was only because of Wes that they hadn’t been brutally slaughtered.  
    As alarming as it was, Quatre could understand Duo’s thoughts that he owed Wes his life, even if that sort of mentality scared him. They had found Duo and Heero, through Name, but that had only been because of chance and luck, nothing tangible. It was the same now. Perhaps they had done more this time, but even there being here had just been chance. Small events resulting in something else… because Fai was gone, Wufei was lonely, so they had agreed to go out to the movies, which had led to them to picking up Duo. But Duo hadn’t come out to greet them when he should have, so Wufei had run in to get him. If they hadn’t done those things, would Duo be missing right now, or even dead? Even their attempts at overpowering Wes had been futile. They were only alive right now through luck, and Duo.   
    Ironically, it was probably Wes’ obsession with Duo that had kept them alive towards the end. Duo had saved Wufei’s life and Quatre believed it was only to save Wufei that Duo had struck Wes. There would be consequences from that, too, he was sure of it. He glanced over at Wufei and saw that he wasn’t just being very quiet, but also very still. He was looking out the window, his eyes cloudy with deep thoughts. Quatre put a hand on Wufei’s knee and the Chinese boy looked at him in question.  
    “Are you alright?” Quatre asked.  
    He, Trowa, and Heero hadn’t been around to see the whole fight. He wanted to ask Wufei what had happened before they had shown up, if it had appeared that Wes had done anything else to Duo. But the longhaired boy’s clothes were intact and it seemed like the worst of his injuries was just that bullet wound in his shoulder. He wondered if Duo would be able to keep it together so well if Wes had raped him like Chris had. He also had no idea what Wufei’s injuries were like. He had mentioned that Duo had taken two hits with a stun baton, but Quatre knew that there was more than that to the story. The black haired boy had his hand curled over his stomach, but Quatre couldn’t tell if it was because of pain or nerves. He was more worried about the depressed expression in those nearly black eyes.   
    “I should have shot him,” Wufei murmured, “I had the gun in my hands… but I couldn’t do it.”  
    “Wufei… no one blames you for that,” Quatre said with a frown.  
    “I let that… rapist bastard get away,” Wufei hissed, but low enough that only he and Quatre heard it, “I had the shot, had the means, but I let Duo down. I could have gotten revenge for him, but I let him down. Now that asshole is out there again, and who knows when he’ll threaten Duo.”  
    “Duo doesn’t see it that way,” Quatre assured him, “Do you really think that he hates you? He hates violence and that’s what killing Wes would be, not revenge, just violence. He hurt Duo, but he didn’t hurt you and Duo would never want you to do that for him. I think… I think Duo would say ‘better a coward than a murderer,’ and we know you aren’t a coward.”  
    “I just couldn’t do it,” Wufei murmured mournfully, “After all the things Duo’s told us about Wes, I thought time and time again, ‘if I had the ability to take this monster out, I wouldn’t hesitate,’ but I did. I didn’t just hesitate, I couldn’t do anything at all. He was right. There are things that seem so easy, so simple, but when it comes time for your turn, you freeze, you aren’t as brave or noble or strong as you think you are.”  
    “Well, I don’t know about Duo,” Quatre said, “But I think your inability to take another man’s life is pretty noble.”  
    Wufei looked away from him.  
    “And what if he is angry that I didn’t take that shot? What will I do then?” he demanded.  
    For once in his life, Quatre found that he had not one decent answer to give. They went the rest of the way to the hospital in silence. When they got there, Duo was almost non-responsive, like he was falling asleep, but was still wide awake. Trowa wondered if the shock was settling in yet and hoped that it would wait until they got that bullet out of his friend, and Heero and Wufei’s injuries looked at. He knew that they weren’t as serious as Duo’s, but he had seen the powerful blow to the neck that Wes had given Heero and how the Japanese boy had struggled to breathe afterwards. He didn’t know if Wufei was hurt, but with the stiff way he walked, he was sure that he was.   
    It suddenly struck Trowa that the last time they had been in this place was when Duo had been released to go live with them. It seemed so… odd. So much had happened, so much had changed since then. It seemed kind of… like fate. Last time they had learned about Duo’s ‘father’, and now they had just met him. At least this wasn’t a life and death situation this time. Duo’s shoulder was still bleeding sluggishly, but Duo was blood type AB positive, so Trowa wasn’t worried about Duo not getting a transfusion which, with the way he was swaying on his feet, he needed. The emergency room was crowded, but Duo’s bullet wound, and his status as someone with anemia, got them service a lot quicker, for which Trowa was grateful, it looked like Heero was about to blow something. Of course, this always happened when there was something wrong with Duo, but it was still alarming to watch.   
Things had been going pretty well until one of the nurses told them that she was taking Duo in for minor surgery and Duo started to hyperventilate. Heero was at his side so fast, Trowa thought he had teleported. Heero grabbed Duo’s hand, which helped immensely.   
    “Breathe,” Heero commanded his best friend.  
    Duo took deep breaths, trying to take control of his rapid heartbeat.   
    “I’m sorry,” he apologized.  
    This was so embarrassing. He had been holding things together so well. His head felt like it was incased in steel wool, squeezing around his skull and stabbing it sharply at the same time. It hurt so much, he could barely think. He wasn’t sure why it hurt, if it was because of the things bubbling to the surface, long, forced forgotten memories, or if it was a result of his training and hitting Wes. Or maybe it was something else entirely. His heart had been racing unpleasantly ever since he had struggled to walk through the store, but he had managed to keep the others from knowing it. The last thing he had needed was for Heero to find out how much this whole situation was affecting him, but his stupid anxiety had completely destroyed his carefully constructed mask the second he had walked into the hospital.   
    Some of his worst memories had occurred here, but he supposed, so had some of his best ones, like Heero watching over him, taking care of him despite his obvious failings, Name telling him that he was coming to live with them… those memories made it easy to forget Stark’s inappropriate behavior, his withdrawal, and the dark feelings of weakness and depression he had felt in his worst stages of recovery. Though Heero was by his side, once they had approached the front desk, he could only think of his fears and all the bad stuff that this place of whiteness and death brought with it. He knew that Heero felt the same way, because the boy tensed when they were speaking to the nurse. He instantly had felt a pang of guilt, knowing that Heero’s issues stemmed from his father’s death. He wanted to tell him to wait in the car, not wanting him to remember that terrible time in his life, but he was a coward. He was petrified of Heero leaving him alone in this place. That terror eroded any thoughts of distancing Heero from all of this, or himself.  
    So, when the nurses insisted that his friends, including Heero, stay behind while they got the bullet out, he panicked. Duo wasn’t an idiot, he knew exactly where his fear of hospitals and doctors, and any sort of medical aid, really, came from. It wasn’t so much the hospital itself, really, or the doctors. He didn’t hold any love for doctors, because he had never met one that actually cared for his wellbeing, but he didn’t hate them. But hospitals meant just one thing to him: needles. When Wes had been… training him, in order to get him used to pain and pleasure, or in Duo’s mind, in order to find new ways to torture him, he had injected him with all sorts of terrible things. KL6 had undoubtedly been the worst, but there had been others. Aphrodisiacs, chemicals that attacked his nerves so even the slightest touch had him either screaming in forced pleasure or intense pain, hallucinogens, Wes had even tried to get him to try coke and E, but Duo’s young heart, weakened by years of malnutrition and poor living conditions, had nearly stopped each time.   
    Now it didn’t matter if the person was taking his blood or giving him medicine to help with pain, needles only meant pain and humiliation to him. The only time he could ever trust a needle was if Heero told him it would make him feel better. He didn’t trust this place, its nurses and doctors, but he trusted Heero. He thought he could put his hand into a thresher if Heero told him it wouldn’t hurt him. His love for him was that blind. That sort of trust, for someone like him who had spent his life alone and isolated, was frightening, but it felt good, too. He refused to go into that operation without Heero, that was what his subconscious was telling him, even if he knew how silly it was. But still… through everything, his fears of Heero hating him, his belief that he had truly hurt his best friend, Duo wanted him with him. Forever, if such a thing was even remotely possible. It probably wasn’t, but wished for it…  
    Hadn’t he thought that he wanted dreams? Well, he had finally found one. Even if it hurt… he wanted to be around Heero forever. Dreams were bad, he knew that, but this one… this one he could never get rid of, no matter how pessimistic he was. Was it even worth it anymore? Could he even remember and truly believe in all the reasons why he had pushed Heero away? He didn’t know… he was just so scared… and he felt so weak. To his immense surprise, Heero didn’t scold him for being so pathetic, he was having a panic attack in a waiting room. Heero smiled at him.  
    “Don’t apologize,” he soothed, which was all Duo’s heart needed to start to slow, “Just concentrate on your breathing, ok? I won’t let them take you away.”  
    Duo stared at him, his cheeks glowing red as his heart suddenly felt incredibly warm at Heero’s words.  
    “What’s wrong with him?” the nurse who had brought the wheelchair over and demanded that Duo come with her asked.   
    “He has issues with being alone in places like this,” Trowa explained, “If you don’t want him to have panic attacks while you guys operate on his shoulder, I suggest you let Heero into the room with him. You just have to remove the bullet, stitch him up, and give him a transfusion, right? It’s not like you’re giving him open surgery, so it should be fine.”  
    The nurse frowned at Trowa.  
    “It’s against regulations. We’ll just give him a sedative-,” she argued.  
    “So, that’s your answer, shooting him up with drugs?!” Wufei snapped, “Who cares about regulations if it stops him from being stressed! He was just shot, he doesn’t need to have you pumping him full of sedatives!”  
    “Settle down or I’ll have you removed,” the nurse warned, irritated with Wufei’s attitude.  
    “What’s going on here?” a very familiar voice asked.   
    They turned towards the doors leading to the E.R. and saw Wufei’s mother walk out, looking very professional in her white coat, her black hair pulled up into a high ponytail.   
    “Doctor Chang, these boys are being unruly,” the nurse tried to explain.  
    “Mom!” Wufei greeted.  
    He had completely forgotten that his mother was working tonight, but he was definitely glad to see her. It was nice having a doctor for a mother in situations like this.  
    “Duo!” Lian rushed over to them when she saw his bloody shoulder, “What on earth happened to you?”  
    The nurse’s righteous attitude deflated as she realized that the doctor knew these boys and one of them was her son, but still refused to back down.  
    “I had a little accident,” Duo said sheepishly.  
    Lian’s almond shaped eyes narrowed as she examined the bullet wound.  
    “I’d say that’s a little more than an accident!” she exclaimed.  
    She turned to the nurse.  
    “Why isn’t this boy in the operating room? The longer he stands here, the more likely he’ll get an infection!” she scolded.  
    The nurse nearly flinched from her.  
    “He was having a panic attack. I was just trying to convince these boys that they do not need to be in the operating room, we’ll just give him some medicine to calm him down,” she explained.  
    Lian frowned.   
    “And why aren’t we letting one of his friends into the room? If he’s having a panic attack, it makes a lot more sense to have someone there with him than give him drugs,” Lian said, angry at having one of her son’s friends being treated this way, “He’s anemic and with the medicines that he’s on, I wouldn’t risk giving him anything for such a small reason.”  
    The nurse swallowed nervously. Wufei felt a swelling of pride, having never seen his mother yell at anyone but him before, but she took charge of things with a lot of grace.  
    “T-that’s against policy,” the nurse felt silly for pointing out such a thing to one of the best doctors the hospital had.  
    “Maybe in normal circumstances, but don’t we also break such rules to make things more bearable and healthy for our patients?” Lian snapped, “Besides, the boy that you refuse to let into the room is the son of Name Yuy. If you do get into trouble, I’m sure she will sort things out. And I’m also sure that she’ll be quite happy with you and this hospital if you help out her son’s friend. Have you contacted Stark, yet?”  
    “N-no,” the nurse stammered.  
    Lian sighed.  
    “I’ll do that. I’ll be around to check up on his patient later, understood?” Lian warned.  
    The nurse nodded.  
    “Y-yes, Doctor Chang,” she murmured.   
    “I’ll see you later, Duo,” Lian smiled at the longhaired boy.  
    “Thank you, Mrs. Chang,” Duo said sincerely.   
    Lian’s smile grew and she patted his head.  
    “I’m just doing my job. As far as I’m concerned, there’s no point in being a doctor if rules get in the way of taking care of my patience,” she said cheerfully, waving as she left to go get Dr. Stark.   
    The nurse sighed in submission.  
    “Fine, if you’re coming in with us, I expect you not to get in the way,” she warned Heero, forgetting for a moment who he was,     “Now, in the wheelchair,” she ordered Duo.  
    Duo blinked at her.  
    “But I can stand,” he protested in confusion.  
    “It’s a rule,” Wufei told him, “So if an injured patient falls while under a nurse or doctor’s care, they can’t sue the hospital.”  
    “That’s stupid,” Duo grumbled, “And humiliating.”  
    “Just get in the chair so we can get you fixed up,” Trowa ordered.   
    Duo sighed, but sat. He looked back to where Mrs. Chang had disappeared to. He wished that, back when Heero had found him and he had almost died, he had gotten Wufei’s mother as his doctor and not Stark. She was so kind and understanding. It was like she had said, she cared more about the feelings and welfare of her patients than rules. She reminded him of Name, strong-willed, professional, but also kind. Maybe he just had a thing for women who tried to protect him. He had felt the same way for Sister Helen, though no one could hold a candle to the way he felt for Name. But, it wasn’t like he could switch doctors. He was just stuck with the jackass, until the guy stopped practicing anyway.   
  
End Part 21  
  



	42. Surgery Part 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo is admitted to the hospital after Wes shoots him. While there, both Duo and Heero dream about betrayal.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 22  
  
  
At least last time, Duo had been so drugged up, he didn’t really remember the surgeries, the longhaired boy thought bitterly as the nurse and Heero helped him sit on the table. Besides that little fact, Duo felt exactly like he had the last time he had been in this miserable place. He immediately didn’t recognize the room, which was a plus. Of course, the last time he had had surgery, it had been a pretty serious thing, so he shouldn’t be as scared as he had been then, wondering if he was going to die, right as he finally found Heero again, but also terrified of the intense pain in his side. That pain, probably more than the drugs they had given him at the time, was what had wiped his memory. Everything had been so foggy and gray, but intense. He had almost been screaming when they had taken him away from Heero to try to stop the internal bleeding and after that… the pain had gotten so bad, he couldn’t remember any details, just that feeling that there was no way a human being could survive that much agony.   
    This time was different. His shoulder was searing, but the pain was bearable, just no welcome. The bleeding was finally starting to slow, the only real thing of discomfort being that the bullet was still inside of him, Wes’ bullet. It was different than last time, he knew that, so why was it so hard for him to not get lost in the past, to think that he had never left the hospital in the first place. What Ms. Schbeiker had said was right, it seemed like he was always getting hurt. He had gotten used to it, actually, though his weakness was more painful to him than his actual injuries and he hated himself for it, for his incapability to not lean on Heero and his other friends. He used to be able to handle things like this. How many times had Wes struck him, whipped him, beat him into a quivering mass of bruises and blood, how many times had he done things to him that were so sick and cruel that Duo shuddered just to remember them? So why was his struggling with this, with the knowledge that Wes had shot him? Why did his heart hurt at a betrayal that wasn’t even really a betrayal, but just more of Wes’ disturbing mind games?   
    He had gotten used to Wes’ abuse. It had become something comfortably familiar to him, even if he did hate it. Beatings, rapes, humiliation… it had become as normal to him as breakfast in the morning was to people like Heero and Quatre. He had come to expect it, to the point where Chris’ kidnapping and Wes’ stalking wasn’t as shocking as it was to Heero. No, what was throwing him for a loop was the injuries his friends had gotten, all because of him. He could take the pain and wounds on himself, but how could he ever accept them on the people he loved? The very people he was trying to protect… but he had failed them. He couldn’t separate them from his old life, no matter how much he tried. It was all his fault… but they didn’t blame him. He couldn’t even fathom that. All logic said that he was a bad person and he should be punished. Wes had punished him for much less, and this was something that Duo understood as truly wrong, so why weren’t they angry at him? Why did they still care for him after he had done?   
    Duo glanced over at Heero, who was still standing by his side, waiting for the doctor to come so they could get the messy bit finished. He couldn’t cope with it. Heero had suffered so much for him, but he was here, not scolding or yelling or hitting, just here, ready to give comfort where Duo didn’t deserve. What had he done to gain this boy’s unwavering devotion? He was scum, pure and simple, but Heero didn’t seem to think that. He had thought that Heero would hate him for Boston, because until Heero, everyone he had known in his life, maybe with the exception of Shi and Solo and the others, would have hated him for it. They would have condemned him, left him there to die, but here Heero was. He had told Wes that he would protect Duo, no matter what, and in that moment, there had been no hatred in Heero’s eyes for Duo, only an incredible resolution backing up his words. It made Duo want to go back over the last few weeks and try to find the evidence of Heero’s anger with him that, until now, he had been so sure of.   
    He had pushed Heero away, thinking that he hated him, that Heero believed that Duo had let him down, just like Duo had believed, and he was too much of a coward to face that anger, that disgust. Heero had seen him being raped. Maybe he had told Heero about his past, but that was nothing compared to actually seeing the slut that Duo had once been. Maybe… the slut that he still was, deep down inside. How could he ever face Heero, knowing he had seen that moment, feeling as ashamed as he was? He never wanted his best friend to see that ugliness in him. But Heero wasn’t running away. He had begged for his solid, protective guidance and Heero had given it to him without hesitation. Was the broken relationship that Duo had seen really there, or had he created it because it was easier to understand Heero hating him, than caring for him so much, that even something as terrible as that couldn’t push him away?   
    Maybe Wufei really was right after all and it was easier for him to see the bad things in people, because that was what he had always known, than to accept, even for a second, that the people in his life truly loved him and wanted to help him. Maybe he was pushing Heero away out of terror, not of him hating him, but of loving him. Love… he could understand pain and hate and perversion… but when had he ever understood love? You had to witness such a thing to understand it. Maybe it had come too late in his life for him to welcome it. Maybe it was too late for him to open his heart to anything but coldness. He hated that part of him. It was the same part that, when Wes had come after him, had been screaming at him to go back to Wes, because Wes claimed to love him, but it wasn’t the love that Heero and Name were offering to him, which was petrifying and strange, like an alien creature in his midst. Wes’ love was twisted and wrong, it made Duo’s heart feel like something was eating away at it, while Heero’s made him feel things that he had never known existed, at least not for him.  
    He had always thought that he was above such things, love and affection, that they were made for better people than him. He had lived his entire life, longing for love, but never dreaming of it, because he had accepted it as a lie. Now, he was finding out that his lie was a lie. He had been lying to himself to make himself feel better. It was easier to believe you can never have something that is hard to achieve, than to live wondering why you’ve never been able to see it. If love didn’t exist for him, that was fine, but the thought that he had simply been denied it, when it had been possible all along, ripped his heart to shreds. He didn’t dare reach for it, because now, he was terrified that his initial beliefs had been right. He was finally experiencing affection’s warm glow, but it was blinding him and he was struggling with the decision to wait for his eyes to adjust or slither back to the comforting darkness once again.   
    But that idea wasn’t really accurate, was it? Even if he returned to the dark, he would always remember the light. He would remember how warm it had been, how it had cradled him and loved him and how the darkness could never possibly compare. It would haunt him until his death, his love for Heero, and his love for Name. Even if he returned to Wes, he would never forget how they had made him feel, and he would never stop yearning for them. Hadn’t he told Name once that he hadn’t dared to dream because he had understood that, if he did, even for a second, it would destroy him? How could he go back to that hated world, unable to stop dreaming? It would drive him insane.   
    He couldn’t go back. He could never go back to what he was, what Wes had made him. Those things were still inside of him, they always would be, but what Name had made him was there, too. His nightmares were intermingled with the desires Heero’s mother had instilled in him. Even if he went back to Wes, he could never survive that life again. And now, he was stuck in between fear and desire, between light and darkness. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted anymore. He didn’t want to die, but he was terrified of the future. The only desire that was even tangible to him was his desire to protect his family, from himself if he had to. His fingers reached for the black bruise on Heero’s neck, caused by his ex-guardian.  
    “Heero,” he whispered, his voice filled with sorrow and guilt, “I’m so sorry.”  
    ‘For so many things,’ he thought to himself, ‘For getting you hurt again and again, for being unable to protect you, for being so damn weak, I have to drag you into this place, which only brings up terrible memories for you.’  
    To Duo’s surprise, Heero gave him a small, but honest smile, and wrapped his hands around Duo’s fingers, keeping him from touching the bruise.  
    “It’s alright, Duo,” he said warmly, “There’s nothing for you to apologize for. I’m scared, too, but Dr. Stark will fix you up and we’ll go home, ok?”  
    Duo’s violet eyes were wide with Heero’s promises and he suddenly realized how much he had missed that warm tone. In that moment, he almost cried, but he denied himself that relief. Heero had forgiven him, again. How had he ever thought that Heero was capable of hating him? Heero was so kind, so perfect… he would never have that ugliness inside of him. Even back then, when Heero had thought that Duo had betrayed him, he had gone looking for him. He had saved him. It was exactly like that now. As long as Heero was here, holding his hand, he could survive anything, even Wes…  
    The moment was shattered by Stark finally showing up, accompanied by another nurse. He looked at Heero and Duo in annoyance, which immediately set Heero on edge, Duo being too tired to deal with the doctor.   
    “This is beginning to be a habit with you, Mr. Yuy,” Stark sniped, irritated with Heero’s constant bending of the rules.  
    “Just get the damn bullet out of him already,” Heero snapped back.  
    Heero wasn’t entirely sure why, but he really didn’t like Duo’s doctor. Maybe it was the snide way he looked at him, or his pompous attitude, but the man made Heero’s hair stand on end. But no matter how he felt, Stark was a great doctor, he had saved Duo’s life during a time when it had seemed like his best friend would surely die, so how could he hate him? Stark made a small noise, but didn’t say anything further. The doctor examined the tools on the tray near the table Duo was sitting on and when he found them satisfactory, he turned to Duo with a scanner in hand. Without a word, he examined Duo’s bullet wound, making more small noises. Heero was immediately annoyed by the man. The doctor that had treated Duo for his eye problem had instinctively understood Duo’s fears and had explained everything before hand. Either Stark was oblivious to how scared Duo was right now, and with his shaking, Heero didn’t see how he could not notice it, or the doctor plain didn’t care. He was plain getting fed up with the hospital. The only sympathetic person they had met here was Wufei’s mother.   
    “What are you going to do?” the Japanese teen demanded.  
    Stark gave him another annoyed look.  
    “His bullet wound looks clean enough that major surgery won’t be necessary. I’m going to scan his shoulder to find the exact location of the bullet. We’ll be giving him a local anesthetic, get the bullet out with out any cutting, though it will depend on where the bullet is, and prep him for a transfusion. With his blood type, we’re well prepared for it. Considering how much blood he’s lost, he’ll probably have to stay overnight, at least. His condition has been made worse by his anemia, so it all depends on how stable he is after the transfusion,” Stark explained.  
    He moved the scanner over Duo’s shoulder and this time, the noise he made was more positive.  
    “Good,” he remarked, “The bullet is in direct alignment with the entry wound and it hasn’t hit any major areas. It’s stuck in his shoulder bone, but because it’s aligned perfectly, I won’t have to cut, just pull it out.”  
    Heero sighed in relief. It would probably still be unpleasant for Duo, but at least he wouldn’t have to deal with another surgery. Stark picked up a needle on the tray and approached Duo with it. Immediately, Duo flinched and instinctively scooted back a little, trying to get away from the needle.  
    ‘Please, not that. Cut me, stab me, burn me, anything but that…’ he thought in insane fear.  
    “If he won’t stay still, I’m going to have to strap him down or give him a sedative,” Stark warned Heero, “I can’t have him moving during this.”  
    “He’s fine,” Heero growled at Duo.  
    Heero hadn’t let go of Duo’s hand and he gave it a small squeeze, gaining Duo’s attention. He didn’t like how pale his friend was and instantly remembered how Chris had injected Duo, understanding Duo’s fear of needles and drugs. This needle was to lesson Duo’s pain, to make the procedure more bearable, but that did nothing to lessen Duo’s fear. That fear went up even further when Stark used a scalpel to cut away the shoulder of Duo’s now tattered t-shirt.   
    “Don’t look,” he soothed.  
    If Duo had to watch the needle go in, Heero was sure it would cause him to have a panic attack. He placed his other hand on the side of Duo’s face, moving his head to rest on his shoulder so he wasn’t looking at the doctor at all. Duo let him, trusting Heero to know what to do. Duo let his eyes drift closed, pressing against Heero’s warmth, heavily contrasted by the cold of the table. Stark gave them a strange look, but didn’t say anything about the contact. He quickly sterilized a patch of skin near the entry wound and slipped the needle into the area. Duo winced as he felt it go in and squeezed his eyes shut. He similarly squeezed Heero’s hand, hard enough for the taller boy to feel his knuckles grind together, but Heero didn’t care.   
    It was terrible, but Heero was deliriously happy. Duo was in pain and terrified, and he was happy. He hated himself for it, but he was. Duo was talking to him. For the first time in weeks, Duo was touching him and hadn’t once flinched from him since they had entered the hospital. He was actually… seeking him out, leaning on him, and right now, it was like things had always been. It felt like his heart was going to explode with sheer joy, and sheer sorrow, because he knew that as soon as Duo stopped being scared, he would push him away again, and why shouldn’t he? He had let him get shot, electrocuted, and harassed by a man that Heero had promised him he would never see again. That promise had been so stupid, Heero understood now that Wes was not going away so easily. But, the second he had seen the bastard, had gotten his very first look at the monster of Duo’s childhood and teenaged years, he had felt this incredible surge of rage and protectiveness. Listening to Duo speak about his abuser, he had promised himself that, if the two of them had ever met, he would kill Wes. He didn’t care what happened to him afterwards, Wes was going to die.  
    And he had let him get away. He had looked at him and had thrown thoughts of danger to the wind, attacking the man like a rabid wolf. He had the bruises to prove it. It had been three against one, once Wufei had gotten back to his feet, but Wes had gotten off without a scratch. It was… unforeseeable. He had put so much importance on his own strength, he had never imagined that Wes would be able to overpower them so easily. He had felt like an insect trying to sting a bear. He tried to imagine Duo, at a mere seven years old, being raped and abused by the man, pinned under his muscled body, and felt like throwing up. It had been bad enough before, but now that he had seen the man, that image was complete and haunting. Duo had been so helpless… how could the violet eyed boy possibly blame himself for his rape and enslavement when Heero, Trowa, and Wufei hadn’t been able to bring the man down? He just felt so useless… all he could do was hold Duo’s hand and hope that it was enough, but he didn’t feel that it was. He wanted to kill Wes and Chris, but he was faced with failure at each turn. He was unable to avenge Duo, let alone protect him. How could he have ever believed that he had any power?   
    Wes, Chris, and his mother had power. They had proven that to him, but he was just a kid. Even with his family’s name and money, he was nothing. No, he was Duo’s best friend and that title carried with it a huge responsibility. He had meant what he had said to Wes, even if he was powerless, he would protect Duo, no matter what. Seeing Duo getting shot hadn’t destroyed that urge, that resolve, and that was a victory, wasn’t it? Wes had meant to ruin Heero’s desire to protect Duo, faced with his own failure, but he would never stop protecting Duo. Even now, there was nothing he could do to take away Duo’s fear and pain, but he wouldn’t abandon him. He would rather Wes kill him than he ever abandon Duo.   
    Stark injected the anesthetic into Duo’s shoulder and deposited the needle into the used bag. The drug was quick acting, making Duo’s shoulder go numb, but Duo still clutched at Heero’s shirt when Stark used what looked like a pair of tweezers to probe into his shoulder wound. Why had Wes done this? Duo couldn’t stop thinking about that. Maybe he could understand Wes’ tenacity in trying to get him back. He was pretty damn sure that the man had never been in love before, or at least, what Wes saw as love. He still wasn’t entirely convinced of that love.  
    With Heero holding his hand and letting him cling on to him like this, it was hard seeing Wes’ love as any kind of comparison. The man had stalked him, had claimed that he loved him, but then… then he had shot him, for no reason other than to attack Heero. He hadn’t punished him, he had used him. Why... why did that make him feel betrayed? Why did it hurt so much, to see that smile on Wes’ and how easily he had fired that shot? He should be used to such abuse, but that was just it. He was used to Wes hurting him because he was pissed off or Duo needed to be punished, but he had done this for the sheer joy of it. He had seen Heero’s concern for him and had attacked them for it. Wes had shot him because it was fun and he knew it would mess with them.   
    It was those games that Duo had never really gotten used to. Wes punishing him was easily understood, he was even able to understood Wes’ physical abuse because of his temper, but when he hurt him, without any warning, because it was… it was _fun_ , he could never understand that. That was the only reason why they had all survived. Killing people was business to Wes, but this, letting them know that he had absolute power and control over them and that he could insert himself into their lives at any moment, was nothing but a mind game. And a cruel one at that. He could have easily killed his friends in revenge, but he had let them live, so they could constantly be in fear of him.   
    Tears started to stream down Duo’s cheeks as the enormity of the situation hit him. When Name had taken him in, Duo had tried to believe that he would never see Wes again, that he was finally free of him. Yes, Wes’ continued existence had scared him back then, but he had felt safe. The Yuy’s house was a fortress, his job, his school, his current life could not be penetrated by his old life. He had truly believed these things. Then Chris had destroyed everything. Duo had begun to realize that being with his friends was not enough. In fact, being with them didn’t protect him, it just put them in danger. But, once they had returned to Maine, he had, foolishly, thought that he was safe again. That house, Name… they would protect him from Wes.       
    He had been wrong, this entire time, he had been so wrong. He wasn’t safe, he had never been safe, which meant that his friends had never been safe. Wes could come for him whenever he wanted, in the dead of the night, right into his room. How could he possibly continue living knowing that Wes still, after all this time and everything that he had lost and suffered, had such an immense control over him? He didn’t notice Heero looking at him in alarm as he began to sob, overcome with a feeling of utter helplessness and frustration. Would he ever be free? He had thought that he was, that he could continue on without seeing Wes again, that he could exist in the same world with the man without ever being under his thumb again. But now it was clear, for as long as they were both alive, Wes would be there. He would never stop being the man’s slave, not until Wes died.   
    “It’s just a side affect of the drug,” Stark assured Heero, “It doesn’t happen often, but with his anemia-,”  
    “No,” Heero interrupted, looking more and more upset as Duo continued to cry against him, “It isn’t the drugs.”  
    He had been waiting for this to happen. He hadn’t needed Trowa warning them about the possibility of a panic attack, he had known the second that Wes had shown up that Duo was heading for one, he had just hoped that it wouldn’t happen before Duo was patched up. He was worried, incredibly worried, about what was going on in Duo’s head, what Wes’ cruel return into his life was going to do with him, but what could he possibly do to help him when he wasn’t even sure if everything was ok between them?   
    The clang of the bullet dropping into the dish on the tray was so similar to the time that the sliver of bone had been removed from Duo’s eye that Heero suddenly flashed to it. It was just another terrible thing that Wes had done to him, Heero thought. Was there no end to the abuse that the man was going to put the boy Heero loved through? Duo continued to cling to Heero as Stark bandaged the bullet wound and set up the transfusion. Duo flinched again during the procedure, hating the feeling of the I.V. being inserted into his arm. But the procedure went without any more hysterics and it wasn’t long before Heero was helping Duo back into the wheelchair and Duo was brought into a hospital room so he could rest. Throughout all of this, Duo didn’t let go of Heero’s arm. His grip on him only tightened when he saw the much hated hospital bed. The only place on the planet that he hated more was Wes’ bed, the place where his soul had finally shattered. He was struck, like he had been the last time he had been in this place, by a feeling of exhaustion, that he should just give in and do what he was told because he couldn’t muster up the strength to fight.  
    Duo fell into that feeling, letting the nurse dress him in a hospital gown and settle him into the bed. She hooked up the bag of blood that was still being pumped into him on the I.V. stand along with other bags that Duo didn’t recognize and he had to fight against the urge to rip the I.V. needles out of his arm. He hated them, that feeling of a needle in his arm that he knew wasn’t coming out any time soon. It was like an unscratchable itch. Tiredness filled him. He didn’t want to sleep because he knew he would dream, but once he felt Heero’s hand on his head, soothing him, his eyes drifted shut and he couldn’t fight it anymore.  
    Heero smiled softly as Duo finally fell asleep, exhausted emotionally and physically, but inside, Heero was filled with sorrow. Duo was asleep and taken care of, so his job was done. This wasn’t like before, when Duo had been in pain and going through withdrawal. He hadn’t asked him to stay this time. He hadn’t asked him to go, either, but how could he possibly guess at Duo’s emotional state right now? He didn’t understand what Duo was going through, he couldn’t. He could try, but he would only fail. What if he staid, and Duo hated him for it? But… what if he left and Duo needed him? He was being taken care of, though, and if Duo needed him, he would come back to him. But right now, he didn’t know what Duo wanted and all he could do was back off and hope that Duo would reach out again. If he didn’t… he didn’t want to think about that. He couldn’t go back to before, not after this. He needed their friendship back. More importantly, this situation had made it abundantly clear to him that Duo needed him. Even if Duo pushed him away, he needed him, and that was what mattered, more than Duo’s desire to push him away.   
    He followed Stark out of the hospital room, giving Duo one last glance as he left him alone under the nurse’s care. That action helped him to separate the past from the present. He didn’t think he had spent any time away from Duo the last time they had been here. Duo wasn’t as weak and sick as last time, either, but he felt like splinters of wood were piercing his stomach as he left that room. He still felt like he was abandoning him.   
    “I expect your mother will be here soon,” Stark pointed out and dryly and, not for the first time, Heero wondered what the doctor’s problem with his family was.  
    “Of course,” he said defensively, “She’s Duo’s guardian. She has Duo’s insurance card, too.”  
    That had been a sweet moment between his mother and Duo, when she had come home with the documentation she had gotten for him when they had decided to take him in. He often wondered what sort of money and lies his mother had had to use to get Duo health insurance, but it sure came in handy. Hell, just the awed, teary look Duo had given his mother when she had showed him the insurance card had been worth it. Duo expected so little out of them, it made Heero want to give him the stars and the moon, just to see that look. Even if that look was sad, because no one should be so happy over something so tiny. Stark spun on his heel and marched out and Heero immediately put the man out of his mind, going back to the waiting room.  
    The second he stepped into the room that had quickly become a scene of his nightmares, Heero remembered that terrible, wonderful night when he had finally found Duo, only to discover how sick and injured he was. He had waited in this room for news that Duo had died, all because of his stupidity and stubbornness. How could he have ever believed that Duo had betrayed him, that he had wanted to use him and steal from him? That accusation seemed so silly now, it made him wonder if he had gone temporarily insane, but Duo made him feel that way, constantly. He had to remind himself that this time was different, Duo wasn’t going to die, but that sentiment didn’t make him feel much better. Wufei, Quatre, and Trowa were in the waiting room, already sitting in the chairs and Trowa was drinking coffee from a Styrofoam cup. Wufei was looking better than he had, no longer curled around his stomach. Heero gently touched his own bruised neck, but the pain didn’t bother him. It had been scary when Wes had hit him and he, temporarily, hadn’t been able to breathe, but he had been too busy trying to kill Wes at the time to care.   
    Sitting down in the hard chair next to Trowa, Heero rubbed tiredly at his eyes. No matter how much he told himself that things were different than last time, he still felt that the past was repeating, that he was failing Duo over and over and over…   
    “What happened?” Quatre demanded, “Is Duo ok?”  
    “Did he need surgery?” Trowa asked in a calmer tone.  
    Heero shook his head.  
    “The wound was clean enough that they didn’t need to cut the bullet out,” Heero explained, his tone turning bitter, “It looks like Wes is a good shot.”  
    It seemed weird saying that considering that Wes’ target had been their friend.  
    “Well, at least he didn’t use a hollow point,” Wufei said angrily.  
    Heero shuddered, thinking of the mess a hollow point bullet would have made of Duo’s shoulder.  
    “Or an echo,” Quatre mused, also upset about what _could_ have happened.  
    “I highly doubt a thug like Wes could have access to a sonic bullet,” Wufei mused.  
    “But really, what do we know about Wes?” Trowa pointed out, “For all we know, he could have access to a bomb. Sonic bullets are only used for military purposes, but they aren’t that hard to get through illegal means. We know that Wes is comfortable with murder and he’s a drug dealer and pimp, who knows what else he’s involved in?”  
    The four of them fell silent with the dark thought until Heero found the courage to speak again.  
    “They gave him the transfusion,” he told them, “He’s resting now. Stark won’t know when he can go home until they know how he is in the morning.”  
    “We can’t take home tonight?” Quatre asked worriedly.  
    He, like the rest of them, knowing Duo’s issues with hospitals and their scare, really wanted Duo home and not here.  
    “They want to keep an eye on him,” Heero sighed.  
    He wanted Duo home, too. The American was exhausted, weak, and shaky. He could understand why Stark would want to keep him overnight, but he thought they could do just as good of a job as the hospital staff. All he knew was that he wasn’t going home. He had left Duo alone in that room, but if Duo needed him, he would be here.   
    “In other words, there is absolutely nothing we can do. Again,” Trowa murmured.  
    “We can stay here,” Heero said resolutely, “We can make sure that he knows we won’t leave him.”  
    Quatre nodded in approval at Heero’s words.  
    “Want me to get you some tea?” Trowa leaned in whisper in his lover’s ear, “It’s going to be a long night. Name should be here soon, though…”  
    Quatre hesitated, hating the taste of hospital tea, but he also didn’t want to fall asleep while Duo might need them. He doubted that they had sedated his friend, so he could wake up at any time. They needed to remain alert. Also, an alarming thought, what if Wes came for Duo tonight? He couldn’t possibly fall asleep with that thought on his mind.  
    “Coffee?” he asked softly, “With lots of cream?”  
    He hated coffee, it always tasted funny to him, but in this case, he needed the caffeine. Trowa smiled at him and nodded, disappearing from the row of chairs. Heero crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes. A great weariness settled over him and he could feel a headache start to form. Why did he have to continuously let Duo down? Why couldn’t he be strong enough? He wished his mother was here. Sleep started to wrap around his brain. He heard Wufei say something to him, but he didn’t hear it.   
  
*****  
  
    Heero awoke to an intense, bright light shining into his eyes. He squinted, bringing his hand up to wipe across his eyes. Once his vision cleared, he wasn’t quite sure what had woken him. White walls, white ceiling, white overhanging lights, and a white, tiled floor greeted him, but it was the same thing as when he had first fallen asleep. The hospital lights were just as bright as they had been, the only difference in the world around him was that the sounds of the hospital seemed missing. He couldn’t hear the clicking heels of nurses, the squeaking, metal wheels of surgical carts, or the chatter of anyone around him. He couldn’t even hear the intercom, which was usually droning on and on.   
    Heero sat up sharply and looked around him. It wasn’t just the nurses and doctors, his friends were missing, too. Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei were no longer sitting next to him in the waiting room. He was all alone. He got to his feet quickly, his heart pounding in fear. There should be someone, anyone here. And it felt late to him, like he had been there half the night, at the very least. Had something happened to Duo, and that was why his friends were missing? But that didn’t make any sense. If something had happened, they would have woken him, and it didn’t explain why there were no nurses or other hospital staff around. Heero strode down the hall to the hallway where Duo’s room was.  
    Perhaps it was a little absurd. His friends were missing, and his mother, too, really, since she have been here by now, but all he could think about was making sure that Duo was ok, that he hadn’t disappeared, too. As he ran to Duo’s room, he tried to think of any reason why the hallway and waiting room, maybe even the entire hospital, would be empty. He passed by open rooms, but even the hospital beds held no one. He was completely alone. Had there been some sort of… incident? A fire or bombing or something? But no matter what he thought of, it didn’t make any sense that he would be left behind. On the way to Duo’s room, he didn’t see anyone. Duo’s room was closed and Heero didn’t know why, but it made his stomach tighten unpleasantly.   
    He opened the door and stepped inside. Unlike the rest of the hospital, all the lights in Duo’s room were switched off. Heero couldn’t even see the green light of the heart monitor, which was definitely strange. Even more bizarre was the moonlight that was spilling through a window that Heero couldn’t remember being in Duo’s room earlier. No, he was certain that Duo’s room hadn’t had a window, anymore than the moon tonight was the deep orange that the light was as it illuminated the room. In his entire life, he had only seen one moon like that, on the worst night of his life, over five years ago. It was that moon, more than the fear of Duo not being in the bed or that he really was alone that made him hesitate in the doorway. It was the sound of soft breathing and something else that he couldn’t quite hear clearly enough to name that made him walk inside, up to the bed.  
    The breath whooshed out of his lungs and a permanent feeling chill filled him. His hands shook as his blue eyes peered through the mix of shadows and light towards the bed and he took stumbling steps towards it.   
    “Daddy?” he whispered, but his voice was not of an almost eighteen year old, it was the voice of a child.   
    Blue eyes, the same exact shade as his own, peered up at him through unruly hair, set in a face that he had known so very well, very long ago.   
    “Heero, baby, why are you standing in the dark?” a familiar voice asked, it’s mere sound making tears track down Heero’s cheeks.  
    Heero fell to his knees in front of the hospital bed.  
    “Dad…” his voice came out whispy, like it wasn’t real.   
    He desperately reached out to touch what he was sure was his father’s cheek, but stopped still when he noticed that the cobalt eyes didn’t track his movement. They were flat like those of a doll’s. He jerked back to his knees as though he had been terribly burnt. What was he doing? His father was dead… had been dead for five years…   
    A sob pierced through the still of the room and Heero immediately, filled with a burning hope, looked at his father’s body, but his eyes were just as flat and lifeless as before. Heero glanced over to the other side of the bed nervously, wondering if he had been hearing things, but it came again. A deep sob, but liquidy, like someone sobbing while deeply immerged in water. He didn’t want to leave his father’s side. He was dead, but he couldn’t leave him… not after seeing him after all this time… but the continued sobs dug at his heart like hundreds of needles of ice. He walked to the other side of the bed and felt bile rise in his throat.   
    Duo was kneeling on the floor, but it wasn’t Duo… yet it was. The boy he loved was impossibly young, six or seven years old. Even at his young age, Duo’s hair was long. It fell loose around his shoulders, a beautiful waterfall of cinnamon, fire, and gold. His young body was naked, blood pooling underneath him and on his thighs, in such an amount that Heero thought that the boy couldn’t possibly still be alive. His tiny body, emaciated and worn down by malnutrition and heavy bruising, shook and shuddered with his sobs. The child finally seemed to realize that Heero was watching him and his head shot up. Heero nearly gasped at the vivid, gorgeous violet eyes looking at him, and the desperate fear in them.  
    “Help me,” the child sobbed brokenly, “Please help me.”  
    Heero fell to his knees for the second time, his jeans soaking in Duo’s blood. This child was Duo, his Duo… and there was so much blood… protectiveness filled him and he wrapped his arms around the little boy, cradling him in his lap, trying to protect him with his older, stronger body, but as blood splashed onto his legs, it seemed like it was pointless. He tried to get the blood to stop, his actions frantic and insane. He pulled the sheets off the bed, not even thinking of his father anymore. It was useless though. No matter how much blood he cleaned up, more poured out of his Duo’s body, seeming like it would never stop. Heero put the boy on the floor to try to get at the blood better when spider web patterns spread over Duo’s pale skin, the color of red so deep, it looked black in the lack of light.   
    Duo’s eyes widened as he looked at Heero, almost in betrayal, as though he couldn’t understand what was happening to him. Thick blood suddenly spilled out of his mouth and down his neck. Heero felt the urge to scream as the child bent double and vomiting a huge stream of blood onto the white floor.   
    “Duo!” he finally gave in to screaming.   
    A strong hand clenching the back of his shirt pulled him away from the grisly scene. Heero came up fighting, ready to kill whoever was taking him away from his love. Blue eyes, filled with a familiar love and patient kindness, met him and all thoughts of fighting left him in a instant, leaving him weak and helpless, like a little child. His father stood before him, wearing, not the suit, or even the hospital gown, that he had died in, but the grey sweater Heero remembered his mother had gotten him that Christmas. The very last Christmas that their family had spent whole. Heero also remembered that his father had worn that stupid sweater every chance he could get.  
    Maybe some married men coasted through their relationships, but not his father. He had truly loved his mother to pieces. Heero remembered how his dad would sweep his mother into his arms when they came home at the end of the day. And he remembered his mother, who played the cold business woman to her associates, would break up into a huge smile and giggle, actually _giggle_. She hadn’t giggled like that since his death. Heero remembered that sweater with a mixture of sweetness and silliness, recalling how every time he had come home from school, his mother would be sitting on the couch, needles in hand, and would constantly ask him if he thought it looked ok. Like a twelve year old would know if a sweater looked ok.   
    In his memory, his mother had never made anything by hand besides food and he knew that she had struggled learning how to make the thing. Her father and brother had hounded her mercilessly about just buying one, but his mother had insisted on making it by hand, saying that buying a sweater wouldn’t mean anything. Heero had made fun of his mother for it, saying it was silly, something that lovesick teenagers would do, but in reality, he had felt pride at how much in love his parents had been. It just made watching his mother struggle through his death all the more painful.   
    And here his father stood, wearing that sweater. Heero was terrified look at it, afraid that that wonderful sweater would be stained with blood, but once he looked down, he was surprised to find that it was spotless. Those familiar blue eyes were clear and vibrant and alive… Heero found himself crying again. His father looked just like he always had, he even had that kind smile on his face that had always made Heero confess to anything. His mind screamed at him that his father was dead, this thing in front of him was wrong, a zombie, but Heero leapt into its arms. Arms that he had not felt for so long, he cried even harder at the feel of them.   
    His father’s arms came up around him and Heero buried his face in his strong shoulder. He remembered when he had been small enough to sit on those very same shoulders.   
    “I missed you,” he whispered hoarsely.  
    He hugged his father even harder.  
    “Heero,” his father’s voice was filled with sadness at his name and Heero felt fear wash over him.  
    “No,” he begged, his arms tightening further.  
    He didn’t care what his father had to tell him. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear anything that would make him let go of this man, he would never let go. He loved him… so much… and he would never let go of him again. Had he ever let go of him? It felt like it was only his tight embrace that was keeping his father alive. If he let go… would he turn back into smoke and ash, only kept alive by Heero’s desperate love for him?   
    “Heero,” Alexei’s voice was harder, the voice of a father who was ready to scold his son for something serious, “Why are you letting him suffer for your stubbornness?” his father demanded, “Why don’t you help him?”  
    Heero’s eyes widened and he pushed away from his father. He didn’t even look back at his father as he saw Duo curled up on the ground, now completely covered in blood, his body still, as though he had given his life just so Heero’s father could stand there before him, warm and alive. He scooped the child’s dead body into his arms, screaming and sobbing like a wolf that had lost its mate.  
  
  
*****  
  
     As Heero awoke in a panic, he nearly bashed his head into his mother’s who had been trying to wake him up.   
    “Heero,” Name gasped in shock, seeing Heero’s wide eyed expression.  
    “What’s wrong?!” he demanded, his heart racing from his dream.  
    Name took a deep breath, not liking the look in her son’s blue eyes one bit.  
    “Heero, settle down,” she demanded.  
    Heero didn’t listen, sure that there was something wrong. He didn’t know if it was a carry-over from that strange dream or his mother’s sudden presence, but he was just plain sure that she had to have woken him up for a reason.  
    “What’s wrong?” he repeated, seeing the distress in her expression.  
    Name sighed in surrender. Heero was too stubborn to be convinced with anything but the truth.  
    “Heero, don’t panic,” she began, which only served to make her son even more anxious, “But Duo’s nurse just spoke to me. He woke up about five minutes ago and had some sort of… panic attack. They had to sedate him, but he’s still-,”  
    Heero was on his feet, running down the hall, not caring about how his mother was going to end that sentence. All he heard in his head was ‘panic attack’ and ‘sedate’. Name chased after him with Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei watching the mother and son in bewilderment.  
  
*****  
  
    //Duo didn’t remember if he had fallen asleep on the front steps of the apartment. He remembered going out there, he remembered the cat that had come up to him and crying into her fur, but after that was nothing, like he had blacked out. He had to have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew, he was curled up on his side, naked, back in the cage of a bed. He knew where he was instinctively, though someone had cleaned up the blood from the sheets. And it had nothing to do with the fact that it was the first bed he had ever slept in. Duo blinked his eyes open once he realized where he was. Everything was the same as the last time he remembered being in this room, though he tried not to. He tried to build up a solid wall around those memories, but they just kept flooding back on a dark tide. He hugged his knees to his chest, tears building up in his eyes.  
    He was stronger than this. He could overcome this. He would find a way out of here, he would run and hide, like he always did, into whatever dark hole the monster would never be able to find him in. He had survived so much… hunger and fear and cold and pain, he could survive this… this rape thing, too… couldn’t he? Bile rose in his throat as memory upon memory struck against him. He suddenly yearned for the black cat that had snuggled against him, even as realized how silly that was.   
    Something at his back shifted and Duo felt the bed dip. He froze, like a wild animal that senses a predator in its midst. A light touch to his back sent him scrambling off the bed, screeching when a large hand grabbed his stick thin arm and yanking him back onto the bed. He screamed and fought like a wildcat as Wes, also naked, pinned him to the bed with an angry growl. Duo’s head rolled to the side from a violet slap that Wes delivered to the side of his face. He stared at the wall, tears dripping down his cheeks, one of them already bruising. His eyes were wide in shock, not at the fact that the man had hit him, but by the force of it. It was like the man didn’t care at all if he broke him, and why not? He was just a street rat. He came in the dozens and was easily replaceable. He flinched when Wes grabbed him by the chin and forced him to look at him. Duo thought he would go crazy just looking into his rapists eyes. He suddenly wished that he had taken the chance to kill himself when Wes had left him that day because nothing was worse than this, than waiting for more rapes to happen. How could he possibly do this ‘job’ when he couldn’t even last the first time? Even death was better than this black hole in his chest, threatening to consume him with madness.  
    “Now you listen here, little bitch,” Wes snapped at him, gaining his attention, “This is very simple. We made a deal, just the two of us. I’ll give you a place to stay and you do a job for me. In order to that job, I’m going to have to train you. It’s just like any grownup job, it can’t be done properly unless you become knowledgeable in it. To do that, you’re going to have to get very comfortable with me, with naked men, do you understand?”  
    Duo was frozen by Wes’ words. He didn’t want to get used to this! How could he ever get used to it?! If he never saw a naked guy for as long as he lived, it would be too soon. Wes slapped him again on the same cheek, making Duo’s head ring with pain at the abuse.   
    “I said, ‘do. You. Understand?!” Wes snapped.  
    Duo nodded frantically, dazed by the blow. Wes smiled down at him, but it was the smile of a crocodile.  
    “Good. You’ll be sleeping with me until you’ve proven that you’re used to this. If you can’t… I have no use for a whore who can’t even sleep with a man,” Wes said, rolling off of Duo.  
    Duo shuddered, suddenly feeling cold down to his bones. When he felt the much larger man settle down next to him again, every instinct he had told him to run as fast as he could, but staid still, terrified of another blow, of the man deciding that he wanted to fuck him again. He bit back a sob. He would have to control that. He had never cried so much before and wondered where his strength had gone. He had prided himself in being someone that survive anything, but this… he wasn’t even sure that he wanted to survive this. He rolled onto his side facing away from Wes, shivering violently. He had never slept naked in his life and felt incredibly vulnerable. Of course, he understood that that was how his new… ‘master’ wanted him to feel. He tried to close his eyes, but the darkness of the room was too scary. He felt completely on edge, waiting for his rapist to touch him, wondering, waiting…   
    He couldn’t close his eyes, couldn’t sleep, not as long as that man was close to him, especially not with either of them without clothes. That was all he wanted. Why couldn’t he wear something to be completely naked, completely vulnerable? And he hated this bed. It was nice and soft, something that he wasn’t used to. He was used to hard cement, cardboard, wood, and scratchy, soiled blankets that occasionally he found in dumpsters. There were even times in the winter that he had no choice but to sleep in those dumpsters, amongst the trash and grime. He wasn’t used to the soft, plush blankets and mattress underneath him. It was supposed to feel better, right? But it only made him feel uncomfortable, like he was sinking into a cloud when he was used to something much more solid.   
    The places he was used to sleeping in, living in, were dirty and hard and sometimes painful, but they had always left him sheltered. A filthy dumpster, a little crack in a wall filled with jagged bits of brick that only a child could crawl into… he hated this bed because it was so out in the open. Let alone the beast that was sleeping next to him, he felt like anything and anyone could come upon him at any moment. He wasn’t safe. Duo looked over his shoulder. Wes’ eyes were closed and his breathing was more relaxed, like a slumbering bear, slow, but deep. Duo took a deep breath. Still his instincts were screaming at him to run, but he knew that he wouldn’t get fair. He knew next to nothing about this man, but he did know that he wouldn’t take to being slighted so easily.   
    When Duo was confident that Wes really was asleep, he rolled off the bed. He didn’t make for the door. It was closed and he was sure that the struggle to open it would awake his kidnapper. Instead, he ducked under the bed, curling up there on the hard floor. Even with the knowledge that there was a sleeping dragon above him, Duo found that it was easy to close his eyes now. He had cover, even if he didn’t feel safe, he didn’t feel so… exposed. Still, it was hours before he drifted off, but even then, it was better than the feeling of Wes at his naked back, even if when he did start shiver on the cold floor.  
    He should have known better, that it hadn’t pissed Wes off so much that he had tried to run away from him as much as just his leaving the bed, but it truthfully never entered his mind. So, when he dragged out of his little hidey hole, he fought like a feral animal, not even realizing what he had done wrong. There was a look fury on Wes’ face as he dragged Duo up and grabbed him by his long hair. Duo stopped thrashing at the look, terrified of what the man would do to him if he didn’t stop fighting.   
    “Fucking rat,” Wes snapped at him,” You still don’t get it, do you?”  
    Duo opened his mouth to protest this, to say he was sorry and didn’t need to be punished, that he _did_ understand, he just couldn’t possibly get used to this, not tonight, but his protests were cut short when Wes dragged him by his hair out of the room. His conviction to try not to piss the man off further was forgotten and he thrashed and screamed at the pain in his scalp. Suddenly, he was brutally dropped inside of the tub in Wes’ only bathroom, his limbs flying everywhere as he tried to grab futilely at the edge of the tub. Wes turned the lights on, bathing the bathroom in what Duo thought was an unnatural white light. He had never seen light that bright before except for the sun and squeezed his eyes closed.   
    “If you’re going to disobey me at every turn, I guess I’ll start your training now. I was going to be nice and wait until the morning, but I have no use for someone who can’t even listen to simple instructions,” Wes growled, “Lesson one, for every rule you break, even the smallest one, you will be punished severely until you get it into that stubborn skull of yours that you aren’t a human being anymore, you’re a _tool_ , my tool. If you can’t do what I tell you to, I’ll kill you. There’s nothing more useless than a disobedient whore,” Wes turned on the water, his grey eyes piercing as he watched his new acquisition.  
    Duo yelped as icy cold water hit his naked body. An intense shiver immediately went through him and he tried to climb out of the tub, only to feel a solid piece of steel pressed against his forehead and looked up to see Wes pointing a gun at him. Duo had no idea where the man had gotten it, since he wasn’t wearing any clothes, nor did he know anything about guns, but he did remember Wes’ comment about killing him and thought it had to be loaded.   
    “Stay in there until I tell you to come out,” Wes ordered.  
    Despite his shivers, Duo managed a shaky nod. Either he could freeze in the tub or he could get shot in the head, he didn’t see much of a choice there. He wrapped his arms around his shuddering body, nearly convulsing from the cold that felt like he had been tossed naked into a snow bank, and curled up in the tub, feeling the water hitting him like sharp needles. Tears started to drip down his eyes, past his lips that were starting to turn blue, but they were unnoticeable amidst the water. Minutes passed, what felt like hours to Duo, before Duo felt like he was having a seizure and his heart was going to stop.  
    “Please, please turn it off!” he begged, forcing the words out of his chattering mouth, “It’s so cold… so cold.”  
    With an irritated grunt, Wes switched off the water, glaring down at Duo’s still shivering body.  
    “Your tolerance to pain is embarrassing,” he snapped, “We’ll have to work on that before anything else.”  
    This time when Duo shivered, it was out of fear. Wasn’t Wes supposed to be teaching him how to do sex better? What did following orders and coping with pain have to do with it? Sex hurt, Wes had taught him that much already, so why did the man care if he could deal with it or not when he seemed to enjoy making Duo hurt? Large hands that were already starting to become sickeningly familiar to Duo lifted him out of the tub. He let them, shakily walking and allowing himself to be dragged back to Wes’ bedroom. He felt like his bones were trying to jump out of his skin and he couldn’t tell if it was because of the chill and his wet body, or if it was something else.   
    Wes flung Duo onto the bed again, this time leaving him alone to grab some things inside one of the many cabinets in the room. Duo hadn’t even noticed them and he wondered if you could be in so much pain, so full of things that you didn’t want to think about, that you could actually not notice something weird like that. He ignored whatever Wes was doing, curling up on his side and trying to control his violent shivers. He didn’t want to be awake anymore, he just wanted to keep his eyes closed and stay there on the bed, not thinking or feeling anything. There were so many things that weren’t coming to him, the cabinets, the fact that this room had no windows, that Wes had, at some point, turned on a lamp in the room, or even how his wet hair was sticking to him like millions of silken threads. It all washed over him.   
    The bed next to him dipped, but Duo staid still, no longer having any kind of urge to fight. It seemed like every time he did, Wes just hurt him more, so what was the point? For the morality of it? He was a street kid, he knew that morality was just a fairytale that people with home told each other to make the world around them seem less cold. Duo knew better. Still, when Wes pushed him onto his back and grabbed both of his arms, Duo’s body tightened in readiness to flee. Then he remembered the cold, hard fact that not only did Wes have a gun, he was ten times bigger than him and much, much stronger. Flee… flee where, and how? He lied still, biting his lip as he felt Wes wind something around his elbows and wrists, effectively making him helpless. With the man straddling him, he couldn’t kick, either.   
    When he felt Wes get off of him, he looked over to see what the man was doing. Seeing him fill a syringe with some clear fluid from one of the many vials he had put on the bedside table was not at all what Duo had been expecting. He couldn’t understand its presence at the same time that it filled him with terror. He had heard countless stories of street kids and prostitutes alike getting addicted to drugs, either of their own free will, or they had been forced into it in order to control them. He had vowed that he would never be one of those people. It wasn’t like he saw the point in it anyway. Everyone said that sex made you feel good, but that had been a lie, so why should he believe that drugs made you feel good, too? Even if they did… he didn’t want to get involved with anything that left you a drooling, mindless mess to the point that you wouldn’t even fight back if someone tried to mug you. Besides, he really didn’t understand why, if you were struggling to feed yourself, you would waste money on something so silly.   
    It was those thoughts that made Duo flinch away from Wes, but Wes just grabbed his arm and stabbed him with the needle anyway. Duo felt a wave of fear at what the unknown chemical would do to him, followed by revulsion and pain at the feeling of the needle penetrating his skin and slipping inside of him. Why would anyone willing do that to themselves?! He whimpered low in his throat, fighting the urge to thrash. He wanted that needle out and he wanted it out now! It was like some sort of maddening instinct. His body and mind knew that such a thing did not belong in him and had to be removed, like a piece of glass that had gotten stuck at the bottom of your foot. But his arms were bound and Wes didn’t seem to be in any kind of hurry to take it out. To Duo’s shock, instead of quickly injecting him and taking away the needle, Wes fastened the length of it tightly to Duo’s arm with some medical tape, which only made Duo squirm harder, feeling nauseated by the continuous presence of the parasite inside of his skin.  
    “This is a very special needle,” Wes explained as he finished making sure that the needle wouldn’t fall off Duo’s arm, no matter how much he struggled, “It will pump this chemical into you every five minutes, so it’ll last much longer this way.”  
    As though the drug could hear what Wes was saying, Duo suddenly felt an incredible agony shoot up his arm. He gave out a gasping scream as he felt the pain spreading along his veins, up his arm into his shoulder and neck and down into his fingers. He turned his head to the side, tears streaming down his cheeks and soaking the pillow that his head was resting on. It… it _hurt_. It felt like there were worms inside of him, millions of worms, each of them made of fire and blades and they were intent on spreading to every inch of his body.  
    “Please,” he sobbed, “Please take it out.”  
    Wes smirked in amusement at Duo’s pained expression. It was actually pretty cute. Usually, kids Duo’s age made such an annoying fit, blubbering, getting snot and tears all over the place and generally making a nuisance of themselves, but this child’s reaction to the drug was downright adorable. Duo saw these thoughts in Wes’ expression and felt a brief pang of anger, but compared to the pain he was feeling, which was getting worse as the seconds passed, and Wes’ obvious dominance, that anger seemed so small and pitiful.   
    “This drug attacks the nervous system. I don’t expect a stupid rat like you to understand, but in essence, it causes pain without any physical force being involved,” Wes’ tone was suddenly annoyingly professional, like a salesman talking about his wares.  
    ‘I noticed!’ Duo wanted to scream at him, but he clenched his jaw shut.  
    More than anger he felt, he was terrified. Wes wasn’t even considering this something terrible, it was normal to him, so what could he possibly consider ‘too painful’? Or punishment? After all, he was doing this as a lesson, as training, not to punish him for earlier, so what would he do? He was too scared of finding out to think about disobeying this man anymore. The cold shower hadn’t been nearly as bad…   
    “This is to test your endurance,” Wes continued to explain and Duo was just shocked that the bastard was bothering to explain anything to him, “Most boys your age end up vomiting and passing out with twenty minutes. If you can beat that, we won’t have to do this again.”  
    Twenty minutes… it had only been seconds since the drug had gone in and he already wished that his hands were free so he could claw out his own veins. He felt Wes wrap his hand around the back his neck and pull him to his knees. He felt those fingers curl into the thick hair at the nape of his neck and felt betrayed. He didn’t even know why. It wasn’t like he knew this guy or what he was into, which, clearly, was pain at the very least. Why had he thought that pain wouldn’t be involved in this training business?   
    “Please,” Duo begged again before he even realized he was doing it.  
    What was the point in begging this man for anything? He didn’t care for him, that was obvious. He was just surprised that Wes wasn’t hitting him for the pleading. Wes’ hand tightened around his neck, but it was nothing like the painful grip of their first time together.   
    “I want you to give me a blow job. If you can do it right by the end of the night, I’ll take the needle out, the second you show me you can do it,” Wes bargained, “Once you do that, we can move on to something less painful.”  
    For the first time since Helen’s death, Duo felt hope. Bright, shinning hope… It filled him and lifted him amongst the intense pain and he nodded frantically in agreement.   
    “Good,” Wes said, “Now do it.”  
    Duo paused, looking down at Wes’ lap for the first time. When he had raped him, he hadn’t gotten a real good look at the man’s dick, he had just felt it when it had sliced through him. It was… big. He wondered how in the hell it had gone inside his small body and he couldn’t help but shiver, remembering his fear of the organ. It was just a blow job, though, not fucking, so it had to be easy, right? He just had to open his mouth and suck on it until Wes came, then he was done. But… but it smelled weird and looked weird and just the thought of putting that thing in his mouth made his stomach roll. It was funny, he had eaten things that looked much nastier, but the thought of putting his mouth to that bit of flesh was gross. But he hurt so much… he just wanted it to stop. Duo leaned down and, with a look of disgust, he put the head of Wes’ cock into his mouth. Immediately, he almost gagged at the flavor. It was oddly bitter and sweaty. He was suddenly struck with the thought that his blood might be still on it and had to fight not to vomit. Trying as hard as he could not to touch the thing with his tongue, Duo started to suck as hard as he could, hoping that he could bring Wes off quickly.  
    Wes growled in annoyance at the move and yanked Duo off of him by his bangs. Duo winced at the tug and stared up at him with wide eyes.  
    “What exactly do you think you’re doing?!” Wes snapped, making Duo flinch, “That’s not how you suck a man’s dick! Don’t just stick it down your throat first thing, only a cheap slut does that. Lick it a bit first!”   
    Duo winced as a rush of agony hit his stomach. The drug was starting to spread into his abdomen now. Licking that thing was the last thing he had wanted to do, but Wes was ordering him to… he leaned back down, this time closing his eyes, and tentatively, so gently that it wasn’t almost a non-touch, he licked the side of the blonde’s penis. Wes gave out another annoyed sigh and slapped Duo’s cheek hard enough to get him to stop, but not to force his head to the side.  
    “Do you think this is a piece of candy?” he scolded, “I said lick it, now do it properly!”  
    Duo looked up at him, terrified that he had no idea what to do. Would he be punished for this, too? How could he possibly know what he would or would not be hurt for?   
    “I… I don’t know how…” he said in a tiny voice.  
    Wes snorted.  
    “And here I thought you weren’t as innocent as you looked. I guess I have to teach you this as well. Fine. Lick the underside of the head, swirl your tongue around it and don’t forget the slit. Not too lightly, either, I want to be able to feel it!” Wes ordered.  
    Duo stared at the member in front of him in confusion. He had no idea what all that meant.   
    “T-the head?” he asked shakily.  
    “The big part at the top,” Wes said testily, “The part with the hole in it. That’s the slit.”  
    Wes wasn’t sure if Duo’s innocence was annoying or cute. He had picked up a street kid instead of just kidnapping some kid that had wondered away from his parents so he wouldn’t have to do so much work in training him. Until now, Duo hadn’t disappointed him. He had been taking a gamble with Duo’s age, but the boy had obviously spent all his life on the streets, or at least understood what sex was and how it worked. He even knew what a blow job was, he just didn’t know what to do. That kind of innocence seemed cute, if you were thinking of dating the kid, but in Wes’ line of work, men would pay more for a seasoned whore than a virgin. He didn’t know if he should be annoyed that he had to work on this boy so much or glad that he had the chance to mold him without destroying any bad habits.   
    Duo hesitated for a second, but he had been given his orders and he thought that he had some kind of idea what he had to do… besides, the pain in his arm was starting to get unbearable and he knew that the rest of his body wasn’t going to be far off. He did exactly what Wes had told him, licking the underside of the head, swirling his tongue around it, and swept the tip of his tongue over the slit on top of it. He was rewarded with a low groan and Wes’ fingers tightening in his hair.  
    “Good,” Wes moaned happily.  
    The boy was a novice, but once he was given orders, he figured it out pretty quickly. Duo thought quickly as he continued to swirl his tongue around the engorged head. If it felt good to lick underneath, would it feel good to lick the top bit, too? And what if he touched the top, slit, and underneath all at once, would that make Wes happy? Duo decided to test this theory, swiping his tongue from the underside, over the slit, to the top of the head and swiftly moving his tongue back down, in the opposite direction. He repeated this action several times, feeling some sort of strange, bitter liquid leaking out of the slit each time he moved over it and wondered if that was a good thing or not.   
    Wes glanced down at Duo through slit eyes, shocked by his actions. Shit, but the kid definitely wasn’t half bad and he wondered if he really hadn’t done this before. He was approaching it like a bright child with a new toy, trying new things out without being told that he had to.   
    “Good, very good,” he praised, his teeth clenched.  
    He was going to have to be careful with this kid, he realized. If he was smart enough to figure this out so quickly, he was smart enough to think about other things and have thoughts that Wes didn’t want him to have.   
    “Now, I’ll teach you how to really suck. It’s just like how I fucked you last night. Put the head in your mouth and slide down, as slowly as you can. Once you get it all in, move up and down, just like thrusting,” Wes told him.  
    Duo didn’t hesitate this time, he just did as he was told, and for a moment, he wondered at it, how he could follow such an order and not even question it. It scared him, it made him wonder what other orders he would come to obey in such a way. He once again did as Wes said, but used his common sense to expand on it. He did try to put all of Wes’ cock in his mouth, between the smell, taste, and just the size of it, he was too scared of choking. He managed only halfway down, but he quickly moved back up, hoping that Wes wouldn’t notice. As he made his way up, he kept the member inside of his mouth, but swirled his tongue around it like he had earlier, spurred on by more of Wes’ deep moans. He kept doing the same thing, though licking in differently places and moving at different speeds. He wasn’t sure if it felt better to do the same thing over and over again, or if Wes wanted him to do something different each time, but he thought it was probably more interesting to do different things.   
    Suddenly, without any indication or warning, Wes grabbed Duo’s head with both hands and the dick in Duo’s mouth twitched alarmingly. Wes’ cum was just as thick and unpleasant in his mouth as it had felt inside of his ass last night, only this time, he could feel how thick it was a lot better, not to mention taste it. He immediately tried to back off of the rod in his mouth to spit out the disgusting load, but Wes kept his head still.  
    “Swallow it,” he ordered breathlessly, still recovering from his violent orgasm, “From now on, when a man comes in your mouth, you swallow it.”  
    This time, Duo did almost hesitate, but the longer he waited, the less air he had and he swallowed dutifully. At the feeling of the thick, bitter, slippery mass going down his throat, Duo almost threw up, but he figured that Wes wouldn’t take the needle out if he did. Wes let go of Duo’s head finally and the boy fell back onto his butt, taking long, deep breaths. Finally! His mind shouted. He had done everything Wes had told him, he had given him a good blow job and he had made him orgasm. Now, the needle would be gone and he would handle everything that had just happened, but right now, the needle would come out, so the rest of it was fine… it would be fine…   
    Duo laid down on his back the best he could with his arms still tied behind him, trying not to put any pressure at all on the needle, because he was afraid of it. He watched Wes, waited for him to take the hellish thing out. Wes sat on the edge of the bed and pulled on the pair of slacks that he had carelessly tossed onto the floor earlier that night. Duo let loose a restrained breath of relief. That meant he wasn’t going to rape him again tonight, right? He frowned when he saw Wes pull two long pieces of red cloth from his pockets. What did he need those for? His violet eyes widened when Wes undid the bindings on his wrists, only to redo them using the red cloth, tying his slender right wrist to his right ankle, which Duo realized in fear made it impossible to move both his leg and his arm and kept his thighs open. Wes did the same to his other side.  
    “Y-you said you’d take the needle out,” Duo whispered, feeling that weird, prickly sensation of betrayal and petrified that Wes had forgotten about their promise.  
    Wes’ eyes were as cold and unfeeling as stone when he looked at him, making Duo shudder.  
    “Lesson number three,” Wes said flatly, “People lie.”   
    A tear tracked down Duo’s cheek, still wet from his previous cries, his breath catching in his throat when Wes lightly slapped both of his cheeks.  
    “No more crying,” he barked, “And don’t look at me like that. We still have two more lessons to get through. Endurance and giving a proper blow job are very important, but in this industry, just giving a man sexual pleasure isn’t enough.”  
    ‘Isn’t enough?’ Duo wondered in confusion, still stinging from a betrayal that made him want to beat and scream at the man, if only he wasn’t absolutely terrified of him, ‘How can it not be enough? What more is there?’  
    He still couldn’t believe that Wes had done this to him, and that feeling of betrayal, of Wes lying to him just to mess with his head, made him realize that he had trusted him. When Wes had promised him he would take the needle out, he had taken him on his word. He had trusted him. Was it because Wes held all the power here and he didn’t really have a choice but to trust what he said, or was it something else? He hated himself so very deeply for that. He deserved to be punished and raped because, for that moment, he had trusted this monster when it had taken him days to trust Sister Helen. What sort of person was he that he could feel that? It was the number one rule of the streets: don’t trust anyone, because even your best friend can stab you in the back. So why him, why Wes?   
    “Some guys get off on the pain, some can’t even get hard unless the one they’re fucking is hurting. Other guys can’t get hard unless their whores are enjoying it, too,” Wes wrinkled his nose in disdain at that, as though he couldn’t possibly imagine not getting a boner just because your partner wasn’t liking it, too, “These are the two lessons I’m going to teach you now, how to handle the pain and how to like sex. If you blackout during sex, just because it hurts, I won’t get paid.”  
    Duo didn’t say anything to that, still staring up at Wes with wide eyes. He couldn’t wrap his head around all that. How could possibly like it when someone was in pain, especially to the point where you found it arousing? Sex hurt, but pain wasn’t sexual, was it? Was that why Wes didn’t seem to care at all when he hurt Duo? Because he got some sort of sexual thrill from it? He laid his head back onto the pillow, closing his eyes. His body was wracked with twitches and shakes from the pain that was now coursing through his entire body. He felt too tired to grudge up any kind of caring for what Wes might do to him at the same time he felt some twinges of fear at the sort of pain he might be talking about. He just felt done in, emotionally and physically. How much fear did he have in him?    
    He heard a match being lit, but he didn’t open his eyes. His body was covered in sweat from the agony and he was just concentrating on controlling his shakes, trying to find some sort of comparison for the pain, though it eluded him. He had been hurt before, but this was different. It was ok if he broke his arm or stepped on some glass, he knew how to take care of that. But what did you do when the pain was buried deep inside of you, somewhere that you couldn’t see or touch and the only way to make it stop was to remove a single needle, which you couldn’t get at, and the one that had put it there refused to take it out? His back arched in an unpleasant bow, he pulled uselessly at his bindings and let out a hoarse scream as fire burst in his stomach. He writhed and squirmed, clenching his teeth as he nearly threw up with the intense feeling of heat and pain.   
    At first, he thought it was because of the medication, but it didn’t take long for him to realize that the pain was on his skin, not inside of him. He lifted his head to look at his body, his heart racing when he saw a spot of blood-red on his stomach. Had… had Wes stabbed him? His vision cleared from the spots of pain and shock that had been dancing in it and he realized that the red wasn’t blood, but a splatter of hot wax that had fallen from the red candle that Wes was holding. There was that feeling of betrayal again. Where the hell did it keep coming from? Wes peeled the cooling wax off of his stomach, but the burning feeling remained. Was this what he had meant by getting used to the pain? Why wasn’t he just hitting him, why this… weirdness?  
    “Stay still,” Wes ordered as he dripped more wax on to Duo’s stomach and Duo tried to squirm away from it, “If I miss, it’ll just hurt more.”  
    Duo was suddenly terrified that Wes would end up hitting his genitals with the searing wax because of his thrashing and obediently staid still. Wes nodded a little, happy with Duo’s readiness to listen to him, and continued to stain Duo’s white skin with the red wax, this time on his chest and neck. Duo bit off a screech when he felt the wax land on his neck and for a second, the heat and pain had made it impossible to breathe. In those moments when he felt the heat hit him, he completely forgot about the pain of the chemical and was only concerned with not throwing up like his twisted stomach wanted him to.  
    “Why?” Duo finally choked out a mere ten minutes later when Wes took a small break to clean the wax off Duo’s skin.  
    “It’s not something I expect you to understand,” Wes said condescendingly with a small smirk, “But some men like this sort of thing. It’s S+M, or sadomasochism. It just means that there are some things that cause pain and humiliation that turn guys on. It’s one of the benefits of paying for a boy. They can be hurt a lot more than a little girl can. And actually…” Wes looked over at the bedside clock and gave Duo a small smile, “You’ve lasted eight minutes more than anyone else I’ve trained at this stage. They usually throw up within two minutes of doing this, or black out,” he said with distaste.  
    Duo’s eyes followed Wes’ hand that was holding the candle like a puppy following an abusive owner holding a belt and sighed in relief when the man blew it out and put it back on the bedside table. He didn’t realize that he had been crying again until Wes grabbed his shoulder and hauled his bound body into his lap. Duo stared at the shadows behind Wes in shock when the man put one arm around his tiny body, cradling him in his lap, and wiped his tears from his cheeks.   
    “Ssh,” Wes said and it was oddly… soothing sounding, “I’m sorry, but this is necessary. You should be proud, you did well.”  
    Fresh tears spilled down Duo’s cheeks. He closed his eyes, feeling dark, strange emotions wash over his heart, wrapping around it and invading it. He curled up into a tiny ball against Wes’ naked chest. What was he doing? Why was he touching him, talking to him like this? His voice was so soft… almost caring, like he was actually sorry that he had hurt him. Was he? Was he sorry? Duo curled up tighter. He couldn’t believe that! If he did… But it felt so nice, that strong arm around him, the touch of a human being that he had gone so long without. Conflicting thoughts warred in him. He wanted to let this man hug him, he wanted to take from him some measure of comfort amongst the terrible pain in his heart that he knew the chemical hadn’t caused. He wanted to shove him away in fear, staying as far away from his abuser as possible. He wanted… something… something that was heavy in his chest, but he couldn’t put a word to. In that moment, he truly hated Wes. Not because he had hurt him, was hurting him, but because he had made him feel things, want things that he somehow knew were bad and dangerous.   
    How should he feel? It was so confusing. He wanted someone to tell him, but he was just alone. Wes was holding him closely, but he was completely alone. Wes laid him back onto the bed, undoing the bindings on Duo’s wrists and ankles. When the men left him on the bed, all by himself, without removing the needle that was still pumping the chemical in him, Duo wanted to feel surprise or betrayal, but he was too tired to feel anything. His hands itched to grab that hateful needle and yank it out of him.  
    ‘Out. Out. Out. Out,’ he mind screamed at him.  
    But he just kept his eyes closed as he heard Wes doing something in the bathroom. What was the point? Even that maddening voice seemed like nothing in comparison to the power that Wes held. If he took it out, the pain would start again. It was so much easier just to obey. For some reason, he started to cry again. //  
  
  
  
End Part 22


	43. Surgery Part 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo struggles to deal with Wes' return into his life and his memories of their past together while he is stuck in the hospital.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 23  
  
  
    Duo shot awake to the screaming of his heart monitor and was immediately disorientated. Where was Wes? He was dressed now, but the pain was still there. And the needle. The needle was still inside of him, not just one, either, but more, a lot more. Fuck Wes and his fucking experiments and his needles and his drugs. His vision clouded with tears and he heard someone running into the room, screaming his name, but he didn’t care. Out, he had to get the needle out, then the pain would stop, then he could leave… he could find Heero, but the needles had to go. He didn’t even realize how hard his heart had been racing, even with the warning beeps from the heart monitor, or how he had been thrashing until someone wearing pink tried holding him down. He lashed out at them, feeling triumphant when his bare foot kicked the person in the stomach and sent them to the floor.  
    While he was unrestrained, Duo viciously started to rip out his IVs, not caring at the blood that was dripping down his arms. The needles were coming out, and that was what mattered. Suddenly, he was pinned again and he felt another needle go in before he could fight back, this time in his neck. No… he had to fight… he had to keep fighting… if he didn’t, the darkness would come back. That darkness with the chains holding him down and grey eyed monster that told him that he loved him. Heero… he needed Heero… he would take the needles out, he would make these people go away…  
  
*****  
  
    The scene in Duo’s hospital room was chaotic, even from Heero’s vantage point in the hallway, running towards the doorway. Duo was thrashing weakly, trying to escape from various nurses’ attempts to pin him to the bed and bandage his bloody arms. He wasn’t moving very much, reminding Heero of what his mother had said about Duo being sedated. He was surprised that his friend wasn’t out already. The sight of the blood on his pale arms made Heero run faster, his dream of a child Duo with blood poisoning running through his head like a train wreck. He heard his mother running just behind him, but didn’t give her much mind. When Stark suddenly appeared in the open doorway, blocking his path to Duo, Heero snarled at the man, but Stark refused to move.  
    “We’re handling this,” he snapped at Heero, annoyed that Heero had even been made aware of the situation.   
    “I need to see him,” Heero demanded.  
    “You’re not allowed-,” Stark began.  
    “Fuck your rules!” Heero yelled, “He is terrified of this place, he needs someone with him, someone he _trusts_. Even if you sedate him, unless you let me in there, he’s just going to keep freaking out!”  
    “Let my son see his friend, doctor,” Name’s voice was chilling, her eyes like obsidian stones as she stared at Stark.   
    Stark felt all of his power vanish in the force of that stare and nodded shakily, moving aside so Heero could run to Duo.   
    “Heero will be staying with Duo for as long as he’s here,” Name said coldly, “I expect you to accommodate him like last time.”  
    Stark bristled at Name’s words, but didn’t object. What could he possibly do against Name Yuy? He was a bug staring a tiger in the face, all he could do was nod and get out of her way as she dismissed him, standing in the doorway to look upon her young charge. Duo was already calm by the time she walked to his bedside, but he didn’t seem to notice her, his eyes glazed from the mixture of drugs he had been given. The nurse that was fixing his arms gave Duo a nervous look, afraid he was going to lash out again. The kick he had given her earlier made her stomach throb, but his thrashing had been much more terrifying.  
    “I’ve only seen this reaction in psychotic patients,” she warned Heero.  
    If it were up to her, the boy would already be in the psych ward, but Heero glared at her, a glare that, unbeknownst to Heero, was identical to his mother’s. He touched Duo’s wrist in a loving caress of his hands.  
    “Ssh,” he soothed to Duo, who thought was succumbing to the medicine, was still tense and looking around in fear.  
    To the nurse’s amazement, the boy that she had been fighting with so hard finally settled completely and his heart rate went down. She had no idea who this blue-eyed boy was, but to calm this wild boy like that…  
    “He isn’t crazy,” Heero said softly, though his voice was tinged with anger, his hand still on Duo’s wrist.  
    “He should be admitted!” the nurse protested, “He ripped out all his IV’s, he hurt himself, not to mention everyone that tried to calm him!”  
    “No!” Heero snapped at her, regretting his tone when Duo looked at him in shock, “No, he just had a bad dream.”  
    The nurse shook her head.  
    “Stupid kid,” she hissed at him, bustling out and not noticing the glare Name threw her.   
    Only one nurse remained and she gave Name an apologetic look, understanding who she was. Duo blinked up at Heero, as though he couldn’t understand why he was there. Heero felt irritated at the drug-clouded look in his friend’s eyes. How was he supposed to talk him down from his anxiety attacks if Duo wasn’t even entirely here? What the hell had they given him? He looked over his shoulder as he heard Trowa, Wufei, and Quatre run into the room.   
    “Is he ok?” Quatre asked.  
    Heero looked back down at his friend, who was looking around him in a daze. He should look terrified after a dream that had made him hurt himself just to escape, but he wasn’t. He was just looking… confused.  
    “No,” Heero murmured, “He isn’t ok.”  
    “Heero, where am I?” Duo asked in loopy confusion.  
    “A hospital, we’re taking care of you,” Heero said in a soft, affectionate tone.  
    He didn’t mention Wes or being shot. If Duo couldn’t remember at that moment, he certainly wasn’t going to bring it up.  
    “What did you give him?” Heero snapped at the nurse, his tone turning harsher the second he wasn’t talking to Duo.  
    “Just a sedative and a pain killer,” the nurse said defensively, “Something to help him sleep and deal with the pain. We couldn’t give him anything fast acting because of his anemia and the blood loss, but he should fall asleep soon.”  
    “Well, he’s having some sort of adverse affect from it,” Trowa noted, “He looks like someone who’s sleep walking.”  
    “Please leave us,” Quatre said to the nurse kindly.  
    The nurse looked hesitant, but did as asked, scared at the air of the room and Heero’s obvious anger. Once she left the room, Name and the boys clustered around Duo’s bedside as a collective, protecting force. Duo didn’t seem to notice any of them, staring at the medical bracelet that hung off his thin wrist.   
    “Another to add to the pile,” he murmured, scaring everyone at the airy sound of his voice, like someone who was talking in his sleep.  
    “You’ve just been here twice, Duo,” Trowa said cautiously.  
    “I want to be buried with them,” Duo said suddenly, “When I die… no, wait, not buried, I want to be burned with them. You’ll do that right?” his cloudy, violet eyes moved to Heero.  
    Heero felt a thrill of fear go through them at Duo’s wonderings. It was just like when he had been going through withdrawal. Was the past really repeating? He wanted to protest that Duo wouldn’t die before them, he would see to that, but he nodded, remembering how it had been last time, how Duo had needed him to follow his line of reasoning, even if it was insane.  
    “Of course I will,” he promised.  
    Duo glanced back at the medical bracelet.  
    “I wonder if Yuki was cremated,” the longhaired boy mused.  
    Heero felt something go still inside of him. Yuki… he had heard that name before, more than once, but when? He couldn’t remember…  
    “He would have liked that,” Duo continued to muse, “Yuki hated dirty things. He would have thought being buried was dirty. I hope he got what he wanted, even if he doesn’t know… it wouldn’t be fair, if you can’t even get what you want when you die…”  
    “Duo…” Quatre said worriedly.  
    Duo seemed to not hear him, looking up at the ceiling with flat eyes.  
    “I hate this place,” he whispered, “Why does it have to be so scary?”  
    “Now, Duo, don’t be such a baby,” Quatre teased, trying to keep Duo’s mood up, scared that the boy might have another panic attack, regardless of the drugs in his system.  
    “I’m not a baby!” Duo pouted, then froze, whispering, “I’m not a baby. He got so sad…”  
    “Who got so sad?” Wufei asked, struggling to follow the flow of Duo’s words.  
    “He got so sad when I said I wasn’t a baby… why would he look like that?” Duo wondered out loud.   
    The room fell into silence for several minutes, no one knowing what to say to their friend. Everyone realized that what Duo was saying really mattered to him, but they couldn’t understand him.   
    “He was right,” Duo suddenly said, “I always knew that.”  
    “Who?” Heero asked.  
    He had a lot more luck with his question than Wufei. Duo looked at him again and his eyes were just a tiny bit clearer.  
    “Wes,” Duo murmured, “He said that we’re entangled with each other and, sooner or later, I’ll realize that, but he’s wrong. I’ve always known that we were entangled. I’ve known that for a very long time. We’ll always be entangled.”  
    Everyone in the room, even Name, shuddered at that. Heero grabbed Duo’s hand when Duo’s attention started to fade again.  
    “When will they go away?” Duo asked him, once again changing gears.  
    “What?” Heero asked, realizing that Duo was only really answering his questions.  
    Duo pointed to his stomach. Heero lifted the hospital gown just enough to see the broken blood vessels spread on Duo’s stomach from the stun baton. Trowa hissed in sympathy.  
    “They should fade in a few days,” Wufei assured him and Duo finally met his eyes, making Wufei feel a lot better.  
    “Good,” he murmured, “They look weird.”   
    Trowa tugged on Heero’s sleeve to gain his attention. His Japanese friend’s blue eyes were filled with anxiety and Trowa didn’t blame him.  
    “Was he like this the last time he was on sedatives?” the Italian asked.  
    It was a testament to how far gone Duo was that he didn’t hear Trowa’s remark. Heero shook his head.  
    “No, he…” then it clicked.  
    It was like two pieces of a puzzle falling into place. Heero looked back down at Duo, who was now fidgeting with his hospital bracelet like he couldn’t sit still and Heero realized that the chestnut haired boy didn’t dare to. He was being so stupid! He was letting his panic over Duo cloud his senses. The last time Duo had been on sedatives, he had been loopy and had said things that hadn’t made sense, like now, but he hadn’t been this… chatty. Or quite this out of character. If engaged in a conversation, Duo had said weird things, but only if prompted. Duo didn’t want to fall asleep. He was chatting like that because he was scared and doing all he could to fight the sedative. His nightmare had been so bad that he had ripped out his IVs and now he was scared to fall asleep again. He felt like slamming his head against the wall for missing the obvious.   
    It was obviously a battle that he was losing with how Duo’s eyes were half-lidded, but even Heero realized that his best friend should have been asleep by now. Duo couldn’t stave it off forever, but denying himself sleep like this wasn’t healthy. For what seemed like the millionth time, Heero cursed Wes. This was all his fault! If he hadn’t showed up again… now Duo couldn’t even sleep without fear that Wes would follow him into his dreams. And why not? The bastard had followed him everywhere else. Again he felt that anger, again he felt that urge to find the blonde shit and teach him what pain felt like, what hopelessness felt like. If Duo wasn’t in the hospital right now, then maybe… but he wouldn’t let that anger awaken here, because he knew that if Duo saw it, especially in his drugged up state, he would just think that it was directed at him and Heero would never let that happen. He touched Duo’s shoulder lightly, feeling an odd burst of affection and something… hotter when he noted that Duo’s hospital gown was too big on him and had slipped off that shoulder.  
    “It’s ok,” he soothed.  
    Duo suddenly stopped babbling as he felt Heero’s touch on his bare skin and heard his familiar, welcome voice. He looked up at his best friend with wide eyes, as though he was shocked to find him there. Heero wondered if Duo’s attempts at not falling asleep were subconscious or conscious, if he was even aware of what he was doing or if the drugs were making his mind so messed up, he didn’t understand.   
    “You can sleep,” Heero continued, “We’ll make sure nothing happens to you.”  
    Duo went stock still, stiffening, and he shivered a little. Heero realized that he really had hit the nail on the head and truly wanted to smack himself for his stupidity. Wes had just soundly proved to Duo that he could come for him at any time. He would even come for him in his nightmares. How could Duo possibly feel safe, drugged up with a bullet wound in his shoulder, completely vulnerable? Leaving him, despite his ideas that Duo would push him away, was probably not the smartest thing he had done. If Duo had pushed him away… he at least could have guarded Duo’s sleep.   
    Heero really didn’t think that Wes would make a move so soon, especially in a crowded hospital, but the only person who really knew anything about Wes was Duo, the one person who didn’t want to talk about him. He couldn’t predict what the man would do when, so far, he had done nothing but the unpredictable. They had assumed that Wes, the image of a cold, calculating thug that Duo had painted for them, would stay away from Duo as long as Name could prove a threat to Wes, but he had brazenly come after him. Maybe Boston had been logical, since Name was far away and Chris had claimed to have an alibi, but here? Duo’s job wasn’t exactly a tactical place to kidnap the longhaired boy. Hell, it wasn’t tactical to kidnap Duo as long as Heero and Name were emotionally tied to him. Then, when Wes had claimed to love Duo, they had assumed that Wes wouldn’t harm Duo, only to watch as the man shot him, merely to prove a point. How could they possibly know what he would do next?  
    “You’ll stay?” Duo asked in a small voice that made Heero’s heart clench.   
    Why had he left him in the first place? Just because he was scared of rejection? Before Boston, leaving Duo alone in a hospital room after being shot by Wes never would have even entered his mind, let alone the possibility that it was a good idea. The memories of Duo’s last hospital stay, though seeming a very long time away, were still vivid in him. He remembered how scared Duo had been that time, even if Duo wasn’t as in pain now, he knew the situation hadn’t really changed. Right now, his best friend was as unsteady on his feet as he had been back then. He didn’t even seem sure that he had his friends’ support, or at least Heero’s. Heero hated that wide-eyed, shocked look. Was their relationship so fucked up that Duo couldn’t even believe that he would stick by him when he truly needed him? He had to fix this somehow… Even if he was a failure… Duo needed him, and if he denied him now… that was a failure he couldn’t cope with.   
    “Of course I’ll stay,” Heero assured him, giving Duo’s shoulder a little squeeze, “As long as you need me, I’ll always be here for you.”  
    That was what he should have told Duo before he had coldly left him to his nightmares in a strange, unfriendly room, he realized bitterly. What the hell was wrong with him? He never would have done this, he shouldn’t have done this! Duo needed him and he had abandoned him, the one thing that he had sworn he would never, ever do. He just kept hurting him… and he didn’t know what to do to fix it. The story of his life. He could be arrogant and think of himself as independent and strong, but when it really mattered, he never knew how to fix things.  
    It had just been a stupid dream, born of a mix of his stress over Duo’s injuries, his guilt over leaving him alone and failing him once again, and his fear of hospitals, born from his father’s death, but his father’s words haunted him. Even if his father was just his own guilty conscience, had he been right? Was he letting Duo suffer, letting their friendship die? He had failed him and had thought that he was giving Duo what he wanted by distancing himself from him, but in reality, he was pushing him away. Did Duo even want that when, as soon as he was in trouble, he had reached out for him? Heero had truly believed that he was right, that this was the right thing to do. So why did it suddenly feel so wrong? Why, now, did his reasons sound like hollow excuses? He wasn’t stupid. He knew that there was a reason far beyond his fear of hospitals that he had dreamed up his dead father.   
    He missed him. That feeling of… of loss and betrayal had created a deep bitterness inside of him at a young age, and it had only grown over the years. The bitterness had become loneliness and the loneliness had become pain and the pain had become rage. So, he had lashed out at anyone who could take the abuse; classmates, teachers, sometimes even his mother and friends, but never as passionately as everyone else. The only love that could compare to the love he had had for his father was what he felt for Trowa, Quatre, and his mother, so he had never really tried to hurt them. His refusal to talk about his behavior or his feelings towards his father’s death had probably led everyone to believe that he was in denial, but Heero was well aware of the source of his actions.  
    Heero had loved his father deeply, purely, and absolutely, as only a child could for a parent, so when Heero had suddenly found him gone, stolen away from him in the night, a deep pain had consumed his heart. The funeral had been a testament to who Alexei Yuy had really been. As Name Yuy’s husband, and the obvious father to her only child, Alexei had been popular with the media and anyone who wanted some sort of connection to the family, so his death had quickly become a circus. That time between his father’s death and his funeral had been a very dark time for Heero and his mother.  
    His mother, usually a collected individual, had fallen apart, incapable of taking care of herself or her husband’s funeral. All of her concentration had gone to taking care of her son, other than that, she had been a wreck. Sometimes, more often than not, when she had thought Heero was asleep or outside, he had heard her or caught her crying. It hadn’t been little bouts of weeping, like a woman would cry after a break up, either. She had cried like an animal would after losing a baby, nearly screaming with her grief to the point that Heero really had been afraid she would break or even possibly die.   
    It had taken Heero years to realize that only real love could make a human being cry like that, like the crying was causing them physical pain. For a twelve year old boy who had never seen his mother cry before, it had been terrible. He hadn’t seen her cry like that since, either. Instead of begrudging her weakness, his mother’s obvious pain and grief had awoken a deep protectiveness in Heero. His mommy was all he had left, he realized, and he wouldn’t let anyone hurt her. Maybe it was because he was so lonely and terrified from losing his Dad, he wanted to protect all that he had left, but it went beyond simple defensiveness. Even now, he protected his family and friends viciously, constantly terrified of losing them.  
    The calls had started to come in only two days after his father’s death. The media hounds, desperate for an interview with him and his mother or demanding access to his father’s funeral would have been hard enough to deal with, but the short amount of time infuriated both Heero and Name. Heero, himself, had felt that he just wanted the world to leave him alone when it simply refused to, and who knew what his mother had been feeling. She hadn’t had the will at that point to deal with the media. Heero thought that she might have been able to deal with her husband’s death better if those… assholes had just left them alone. Eventually, Name’s stepmother had learned of her step-daughter’s stress and Heero’s grandparents had moved in with them to help her deal with the funeral and phone calls.  
    It was this witnessing of his mother’s grief that had made her immune to Heero’s bitterness and wrath, the understanding that he wasn’t the only one that had lost something precious. Sure, at times he had acted like a shit to her, but never like he had with his teachers. As the years went on, his attitude and personality, when he was around his mother and friends, had gotten closer and closer to how he used to be, but how he was around other people had never gotten better. Well, until he had met Duo it hadn’t…  
Heero didn’t remember much about those early weeks of grieving or the funeral. It wasn’t necessarily something that he wanted to remember. Somehow his grandfather, a very powerful and respected man even after handing down his title to Name, had made sure that no one but an invited guest, a friend, or a family member to his son-in-law, would show up at the funeral. Heero hadn’t understood how, back then, a single man could make something like that happen, it was almost like his grandfather had waved a magic wand. But he had still had faith in the man’s power and sure enough, there had been no media present. Heero had always liked his grandfather, but in those moments, he had truly loved him.  
    Though Heero knew that his grandfather hadn’t trusted his father at first, they had become good friends once Alexei proved he wasn’t some dime a dozen slime ball who just wanted to marry into the most powerful family in the world. They had exchanged as many phone calls and e-mails with each other as Name did and his grandfather had tried hard to make his son-in-law’s funeral as respectful as possible, as well as give his daughter as much support as he could. Heero just thought that his grandfather had been in as much shock as Name, having never thought that he might outlive his daughter’s husband.  
    The funeral had been a true testament to his father’s character. Though there had been no media present and many of the Yuy family had never trusted Alexei, the cemetery had been packed with people who had loved his father and had fond memories of him. For some reason, listening to their stories of his dad had soothed the pain in his heart a little, like their words had made his death seem all the more impossible and he might still be alive somewhere. But as wonderful as that thought was, at the end of it all, when everyone but his mother and him had gone home, Heero had only felt a deep, penetrating, cold emptiness. His father was dead and no number of happy memories would ever bring him back.  
    For the first time in his young life, Heero had had to face the very real possibility that the people he loved could abandon him. What was worse, there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He hadn’t liked that feeling one bit. For the first time in his life, Heero had felt like there was no one he could rely on. He became overprotective of his mother, Quatre, and Trowa, obsessed with the idea that they might leave him too, but at the same time, he became even more protective of his own heart. Losing his father had been the most painful experience of his twelve-year-old life and that pain had staid with him, vividly. So he had pushed everyone away. He had refused to speak to anyone about his father. He acted out and hid his true feelings deep inside, where no one could possibly reach them.  
    His father’s death had hurt him so much because he had loved him so much. What if his best friends, his only friends, or even his mother died, too? He couldn’t ever bear to go through that pain again. Well, it couldn’t hurt if he wasn’t so close to them anymore, right? So he had done the one thing, the only thing he could do to protect himself: he closed off his heart. It hadn’t been very hard. Looking back on it, it scared Heero how easy it had been to nearly destroy his friendships. His mother, yearning for a fresh start, had moved them out of the home Heero had been born in and to one in Sanq, England. Heero had been terribly bitter about the move, but his memories of his mother’s crying kept him from causing a huge fight. They had moved and it had been easy to turn his anger over his father’s death and leaving the last place they had been together onto the others around him.  
    Because of the move, Quatre and Trowa hadn’t been able to see him as often, which only made the emotional distance between them all the easier for Heero. Still, he had missed them, which had only fuelled that pain, that rage. At the end of it all, he had cannibalized himself. He had forced himself to become something else, someone else. That defensiveness and rage had eaten away at how he used to be, the boy that his father had loved and maybe that was the point. If he wasn’t that person anymore, he couldn’t hurt like that person did, he had rationalized. But, deep down inside, he had still hurt. He told himself that he had done it to protect himself, and that was partially true, but couldn’t it also be true that he had done it to punish himself? Pushing the people he loved away didn’t really dull the pain; it just pushed it deeper inside of him.  
    It was true that, sometimes, you could only see your mistakes, see how stupid you were being, when you were looking back on it. Back then, he had thought he was on top of everything. He was Heero Yuy, the hottest, toughest shit on the planet. Everyone said so, even the media, so it wasn’t so hard to make himself believe it. And someone like him didn’t let himself be pulled down by trivial things like friends. He could rise above it. He could get stronger. Who cared if that so-called “strength” was a lie and just blinded him from the truth; the truth of how the world worked and the truth of what he really needed? If he hadn’t pushed everyone away, he never would have let someone like Relena get so close to him.  
    That was one mistake that was so blatantly obvious now that Heero blamed himself for it more than her. He hadn’t been able to admit it to himself until now, but back then, he had been so lonely, so completely conflicted between pushing his two best friends away and needing them more than ever. Relena had been just as pompous and stubborn as him, completely immune to his attitude, but in a way that only pissed him off further. Most of all… she was safe. Relena had never met his father, had never met Heero before he had moved, so she had taken him at face value. When she had started hanging around, Heero had thought that there was no way he would get close to a girl like her. That had been his first mistake, thinking that it was inevitable that she would fade away when he showed no interest in being friends with her.  
    Heero had never even considered the possibility that Relena might wear him down, but it happened rather quickly. His second mistake was not realizing his own loneliness. He had thought he could cope with his friends only showing up a couple of times a month; he thought that he could live the life of a lone wolf. Then Relena had shown up and Heero’s heart had started to ache. In that desperation, he had let her in, despite his knowledge that his mother really didn’t like the girl. It was in Quatre and Trowa’s absence that, somehow, Relena had replaced them. He had never meant for it to happen, or at least, not consciously, and there were strong feelings that he had for the Arab and Italian that Relena had never been able to compete with, but she had been there.   
Maybe it was the presence of those still unbreakable bonds of friendship that had made Relena demand that he not see his friends when they had gotten engaged. That had been his third mistake, thinking that he was so infallible that an engagement with his then best friend couldn’t possibly affect him in any sort of negative way. His fourth was in trusting Relena at all. He had let her so close to his heart, without even realizing it, until she had brutally betrayed him. Her mere existence as his crazy fiancé had seemed like a testament to why he shouldn’t be close to anyone. In the end, he had believed that everyone would just cause him more pain. But now, looking back at his failed engagement and friendship, Heero could see that Relena’s obsessiveness should have woken him up to the fact that he needed his friends, his real friends.  
    Even through his remaining feelings for Relena, Heero knew that Quatre and Trowa had always been his best friends. Even after all the crap he had pulled, they had remained loyal to him, something that he could never say about Relena. If he had listened to them, instead of acting like such a pompous ass, Relena never would have existed in his life and Heero never would have been left wondering if he deserved Relena’s craziness, if he was destined to never be happy with another person. He could easily look back on all of that and see how lonely he had been. In that time when he had thought he couldn’t possibly feel the pain of loss anymore, he had felt it more than ever.  
    Heero briefly glanced over at Trowa and Quatre, who were standing so close that their shoulders were touching, and had to fight the desire to walk over to them and hug them tightly. He had moved all the way to America and they had still followed him. Their mere presence showed him how much pain he had been in without them, and how much he needed them. He had been an idiot to think that he could go his entire life being alone. Even when he pushed them away, they gravitated back to him.  
    It was the same with Duo, Heero realized with shock. They were both pushing away from each other so strongly, but here they were, inches apart, connected as though by some powerful, invisible force. In a moment like this, Heero wondered if it was even possible to separate himself from the people he loved or if they would be forever searching for him, no matter how far he ran. How could he ever think that Relena was an acceptable replacement for this, this warm feeling in his chest whenever he saw his friends?  
    He wondered, definitely not for the first time, how he and Duo had found themselves in each other’s lives. Heero had gone to America, firmly believing that not only shouldn’t he make friends with anyone, but that it was impossible. Relena had taught him that it was better to be alone. Even those that weren’t close to him couldn’t be trusted. Besides, the girl hadn’t been able to compare to Quatre and Trowa and she had been descended from royalty, a beautiful gem in a sea of dirty coins. But compared to her, compared to most of the people he had met, Quatre and Trowa were just… special. They were bright, kind, talented, intelligent, and brimming with life. How, Heero had thought on the plane ride over, how could he ever find someone like that in no man’s land?  
    And yet… he had. He had found that and so much more. It was kind of funny actually, in an ironic sort of way. He had come to this country expecting to not find anyone and he had met that someone his very first day. And Duo had been in a much worse spot than him. Bullied and neglected by his classmates and victimized by a man who was not only cruel and perverted, but also a criminal who had no qualms about killing people. Was it any surprise that Duo’s only friends ever were also prostitutes? Add in his childhood as a homeless orphan and it was no wonder why Duo had never tried to make friends with his classmates. Heero didn’t know what was more likely, Duo being afraid of a new friend being hurt by Wes, or him being afraid of getting hurt by that friendship.  
    When he thought about it, their relationship was literally miraculous. Neither of them had wanted friends in their lives, but Heero thought that their reasons were exactly the same, fear. Maybe the reason why they had connected so quickly was also the same, they were lonely and desperate. He tried to imagine what life had been like for Duo before they had met and had to stop because it was too painful. Duo had been so hostile when they had first met and Heero didn’t blame him one bit. Duo had had enough to deal with and here came this… this punk, hitting on him and acting like an arrogant jackass. What had Duo said to him? Something about the world not revolving around him and that he was going to learn that sooner or later.  
    He had learned that all right, he had learned a lot since then, like that he didn’t have the corner market on pain and loneliness. To live in a place like that, with a man who beat, raped, and belittled you every day, never sure if you were going to get to eat, or if your ‘caretaker’ might shoot you dead… If Hell existed, Duo was intimately acquainted with it. He had lived in Hell most of his life. And when he had finally gotten a chance to escape it for a few hours, he had met Zechs. He had had no friends outside of that hell, not a single kind hand, not one person who wanted to protect him. Just thinking about that kind of living conditions made Heero feel the need to latch on to something, and Duo had spent his entire life in that state. What the fuck did Heero Yuy know of pain and loneliness in the face of Duo’s own agony?  
    If Duo could hear Heero’s thoughts, he would berate him and tell him something like life wasn’t a competition and one person’s pain wasn’t any worse than another’s; pain is pain, but when Heero compared his father’s death to Duo’s lifetime hardships, they never added up. A spoiled brat, throwing a temper tantrum because he had finally realized that he had no control over his life and a shy, street kid turned forced prostitute with seemingly no future… Their relationship was like two archers, standing miles apart, letting lose their arrows on the darkest night and having those arrows hit each other at their tips. Something like that was so random, but at the same time, so very perfect. It was something that seemed utterly impossible, but here they were.  
    How had it happened? Duo had obviously been so hungry for stability and human companionship that he had been able to find what he needed in Heero and his stable life, but why had he sought Duo out himself? Had it just been because of curiosity and lust or had it been something else, a need deep in his heart? He could think about it for the rest of his life and not pull out all of the things he saw in Duo that had started his life up again. Because that was what he had done in his father’s absence, he had stopped frozen, and now, with Quatre, Trowa, Duo, and even Wufei so close to him, he felt like he was finally moving forward.   
    Then Boston had happened and it felt like everything was at a standstill once more. He had thought that he had cannibalized himself, that he had eaten everything he had been as a child, but in reality, all of that was still inside of him, just hiding away for the right person to bring it out and that was exactly what Duo had done. He had woken his heart up, not just in the love he had for Duo, but the violet eyed boy had opened his eyes to the potential in others. He had spent so very long in the dark, looking at people in distain, calling them stupid and simple and irrelevant in his mind, allowing himself to be clouded by what the world thought he should be and how he should act. Someone belonging to a powerful family couldn’t ever bother with ‘common’ people. But then he had met Duo, who was poor and hurting and a nobody even in the eyes of common people.   
    Duo had shown him that what other people thought of you was often incorrect and if you acted like they wanted you to act, you were just living a lie. Before coming to America, if Heero had met a boy like Wufei, he would have punched his lights out. Now, he was friends with him. It wasn’t an accident, or just because Duo had decided to be friends with him. Even when he had wanted to hit Wufei for coming on to Duo, he had seen the Chinese boy’s honor, the brightness inside of him, because he had seen it in Duo, too. He had so much to thank the longhaired boy for… he had saved him, had reached him where no one else could have, maybe because Heero had never expected him to. He had snuck up on him.   
    Was it any real surprise that Heero had dreamed of his dead father? He wasn’t a complete idiot; he knew what the dream meant and why his father had been in it. To him, his father was his greatest failure, the most painful moment in his life. Boston, like the death of his father, had shown Heero how helpless he was and he hated that. He had rationalized that he had failed Duo, and Duo had to hate him for that, so he should distance himself from him. Really… wasn’t this reaction the same exact one as when his father had died? Almost losing Duo had been so painful… it was strange, Duo hadn’t died, but at that moment when Chris had almost slit his throat wide open, the pain had been more overwhelming than at his father’s funeral… just that possibility of losing Duo. It had felt like his heart would be torn apart.   
    He was distancing himself from the people he loved again, this time Duo, the one person he never wanted to do that to. And he knew where that road led because he had walked its entirety before. Just more pain and loneliness… like an endless circle. And this time, he wasn’t just letting himself down, he was also letting Duo down, which was a thousand times worse. Duo needed him to make him feel safe and Heero was pushing him away. Hadn’t all those weeks passed with him wishing that Duo would give him some clue that he still needed him? It was pointless, really. Even as he was pushing his best friend away, the second Duo reached out for him, Heero had come running back.   
    But it was terrifying the way Duo had complete control of him without even realizing it. He was so hung up on his father that whenever he got close to this sort of feeling, he ran away. But his father, real or not, was right. In his effort to keep hanging on to his father and reliving that fear, he was letting Duo down when he needed him most. Instead of staying by Duo’s side, where he belonged, he had let that fear consume him. He never should have done this… not just leaving him when he was sleeping in this damned hospital bed.   
    When Duo had flinched from him in that hotel room, he should have grabbed him as tightly as he could and told him that everything was going to be ok. Even if he hated Heero, he would be there; he would always be there when he needed him. Instead, he had sent Duo the message, loud and clear, that that flinch was fine, that this distance between them was not only fine, but wanted on both sides and it wasn’t, not really. Even if the distance was safe, Heero couldn’t retreat to it like he had in the past because more than anything, he wanted to be with Duo. He loved him, why would he ever want to be apart from him? Just the sight of the boy he loved lying in that bed, his shoulder wrapped in bandages, made him sick with worry. It should have made him want to run, just like before, but he was overcome with the desire to hold Duo to him, as closely as he could. He wanted to touch his skin and breathe in every inch of him until the world fell apart. He wanted to feel his heart beat, like he had every time Duo had needed him to hold him or sleep with him to keep the bad things away.  
    Heero dared to brush his knuckles over Duo’s cheek while he was too drugged up to question it and wrapped his fingers around the shorter boy’s hand.  
    “I’ll always be here,” he repeatedly with conviction. “No matter what you need, I’ll be here. I promise. I’m not going to leave you ever again.”  
    Quatre’s breath hitched in his throat at Heero’s vow. Back in Boston, Trowa had been so upset about the promises they had broken to Duo and Quatre was sure that Heero had been even more upset about it, but here he was, making another promise that he didn’t know if he could keep, just to make Duo feel better… did this mean…  
    Duo’s clouded eyes looked up at Heero in shock at his words and some sense finally came to him. All the conflicting feelings in his head and heart about Wes and Heero and Name silenced themselves and he could only hear Heero’s promise. He would always be here… but Heero hated him, didn’t he? And yet the touch of their hands together was searing hot and piercing, erasing any doubt, the way that Heero’s touch, and only his touch, could. If he hated him, then why was he here now? Why, when Duo had reached out to him, had Heero held him and tried to comfort him? And did it matter? Heero’s hatred would hurt, but just the thought of him leaving him again filled him with an intense fear that he hadn’t felt since their very first fight, where Heero had struck him. He needed him… he couldn’t do this, couldn’t face Wes without Heero.   
    If it weren’t for Heero, for this strange, incredible love he felt for him, he never would have run away from Wes in the first place. Somehow, Heero had given him the courage to finally stand up and say no to the man, even if he couldn’t bear to do it to Wes’ face. And when he had returned today, he had found that strength again, not only to say no, but to actually attack Wes. For the first time in his life, he had this strength, he felt like his own person. And he loved that feeling, was addicted to it.   
    “Heero,” he whispered, his voice suddenly raspy, “I-I’m sorry.”  
    ‘Sorry for everything,’ he thought, ‘I put you in danger again, I put everyone in danger and all I can think of is how happy I am that you’re here. Wes is out there somewhere and I want to cry for joy that you stuck around…’  
    “Don’t apologize,” Heero soothed, stroking Duo’s bangs, “You’re safe now. I won’t let him get to you. Just sleep.”  
    Almost as if on command, or he was just that tired, Duo’s eyes slid closed and his breathing seemed to ease for awhile. Name let go of her own sigh of relief. She was surprised that Duo had even had the energy to fight the sedatives for that long. She understood that the hospital had a policy to sedate patients like Duo, who had frequent panic attacks, especially when they tried to rip out their IV lines. It seemed like such a shocking, violent act, but considering Duo’s intense fear over needles, it was one that Name could understand. She just wished that Dr. Stark had asked her permission before shooting him up with more drugs. Part of Duo’s fear came from a history of a total lack of control. Wes had used drugs to make Duo even more of a victim and Duo’s body and mind remembered that lesson far too well.   
    Sedating him hadn’t made Duo less anxious, it had made his condition so bad, he was terrified of falling asleep. It was her own fault, really. As soon as she could, she was going to have Stark make a little note in Duo’s file that he should never be given sedatives unless she authorized it first. It was a fair thing to say that Name Yuy was not happy at all. Her son’s best friend had been shot by the craziest man in this state, who was admittedly stalking and threatening, not only Duo, but her son and his other friends. Heero was probably going to worry himself to an ulcer, and just to tip the scales, she was fighting with ignorant hospital personnel at every turn.   
    And didn’t it just say everything that, right now, she was more worried about Duo than her own kid? Of course she was worried about Heero, how could she not be? Wes seemed to have singled him out, like he had a personal vendetta against him. The bastard had tried to kill Wufei too, just for showing up. It was like everyone that Duo knew, everyone he was friends with, was suddenly in danger. When Trowa had told her the entire story, she had been shocked to hear that Wes had confessed to loving Duo. She didn’t know what was more startling, that such a man could feel love for a child that he had terrorized, or that he had claimed to love him and then had shot him, just to make Heero feel bad.  
    He had tried to kill Wufei, and if they hadn’t ganged up on him and had kept him occupied, Name was sure that Wes would have tried to kill Quatre and Trowa, too. The man seemed to have absolutely no morals against killing a bunch of teenagers, for little more reason than they were in his way. But Name knew that her son and Duo were the two that were in the most danger from Wes. Wes had only tried to kill Wufei, but he had mercilessly teased and bullied Heero with his inability to protect Duo, something that seemed more serious to Wes than simple murder. To take such time when he could have just shot them all dead told her that the man had taken a personal interest in Heero.   
    So, yes, of course she was worried about Heero, she would be a terrible mother if she weren’t, but as a business woman, she was practical and could never ignore the basic facts. Any man who could claim to love a person so much, and then shoot them was clearly crazy. And Wes was far more than a garden variety, crazy stalker. If she believed in such a thing, she would call him evil. The actions of a crazy person were unpredictable. They could consider what Wes was likely to do for years, but they would never be able to come up with anything close to accurate. So far, reason had failed them. They had thought that Wes would stay away as long as Duo wasn’t alone, but that had turned out completely wrong.  
    For all she knew, Wes would storm the hospital tonight, anything could happen. But there was still something that she knew he would do with absolute clarity. Wes was coming for Duo. He was coming for what he perceived as ‘his’, and he wouldn’t stop until he got it, or they stopped him. She didn’t know what he would do after that, but she was terrified for Duo’s safety. It wouldn’t just be a case of Wes failing or succeeding in kidnapping Duo, either. Just by showing up again, Wes had done untold damage to Duo’s heart and emotional state. Whatever doubt Wes had instilled in Heero’s heart wasn’t anything like the agony in Duo’s that had started growing since the moment Wes had raped him. Just his mere existence in Duo’s life was causing the teenager immense pain.  
    Name wouldn’t stand for it. She had promised Duo a chance at a normal life, a future devoid of loneliness and degradation. She had sworn that he would be safe. She wouldn’t have that bastard make her a liar, not to this boy that had somehow made his way as deep into her heart as her own child. No… it was more than that… just calling Duo her son’s friend wasn’t fair. When he had needed a mother, she had been there for him and she had resolved to give him whatever he needed to become whole again. Saying that he was like a son to her didn’t cut it. He was.  
    She would protect him. No matter what happened, no matter what cruel thing Wes pulled, she would be there, not just because she had promised Duo, but because she loved him. He deserved peace for once in his life, but as long as Wes was breathing, she didn’t think he would ever get it. Even if they caught Wes and put him in a maximum security prison for the rest of his days, Duo wouldn’t feel safe. The way that Duo made Wes sound, he had enough connections to make sure that, sooner or later, he would break out. He might not even get convicted. That scared Name the most. It was the sole reason why she hadn’t called the cops months ago. She had promised Heero that they would involve the police once Duo had settled and gotten better, but the more Duo told them about Wes, the more she had realized that it wouldn’t be that simple.   
    If Wes was as connected as Duo said, it would be foolish of her to assume that he didn’t have someone in the police on his payroll. At first, she had just been concerned about the police learning about Duo because he would be sent to an orphanage or foster home, or worse, be hidden away as a witness just because he had lived with that monster. Duo had told them once about Wes shooting a fellow drug dealer in front of him when he was younger. That there might be other incidents like that in Duo’s memory that he hadn’t told them about chilled Name to the core. It was a testament to how much she loved Duo, that she was shaken and protective over his memories, things that she had no ability to change or save him from.   
    Name was now less worried about Duo being taken to an orphanage and being lost in a system that didn’t care what happened to him. He had been with them long enough that he had easily proven how he had grown and changed under her care. Since he had been released from the hospital and had gone home with them, Duo had gained weight, hadn’t missed anywhere near as many classes as he had when Wes had been putting him through the wringer, and he had gotten a decent job. Better yet, she had the money and resources to help take care of Duo and give him a future. Even if Duo was taken by the police and shuffled to some orphanage, with no one else to contend her guardianship, Name would win the right to be his foster parent easily. What she was more worried about was some crooked cop taking Duo away from her with a bullshit excuse like witness protection or prostitution if Name asked for their help in taking care of Wes, only to have them deliver Duo into the lion’s jaws.   
    Still, bribing Stark to go against his rules and not call the cops because they had a gunshot victim left a bad taste in her mouth. She didn’t know if it was because letting the cops know that Duo was in trouble was the right thing to do or because of how ready Stark was to take her money and how easy it had been to get people to do the wrong thing, but the whole process, though it was probably best for Duo, seemed wrong to her. Her morality screamed at her to bring Wes to justice, to call the police and tell them everything, but her common sense refused to risk it. Wes was coming for Duo, that was true, but she wouldn’t deliver him to the bastard by making such a foolish mistake. There was that cut throat, vindictive part of her that seethed at the thought of anyone hurting one of her own and that part was excited at the idea of meeting Wes one day, and all the things she would do to him.   
    Nowadays, it seemed like there was absolutely nothing she could do. It wasn’t a feeling that she could easily accept. She wanted Duo and Heero safe, but she didn’t want to betray herself in order to do that. She already knew that, if it came to an assault against Wes, they, whether it was the police, herself, or the boys, would have to kill him. Locking him up wasn’t good enough anymore, not for her, but at the same time, Name Yuy was no killer. Her grandfather had been protected by a series of assassins who had readily taken out those out to attack the Yuy family at his command, but it was a practice that her father had been disgusted by. She could get a hit on Wes, but that did a lot more than leave a bad taste in her throat.   
    If she was doing this for Duo’s sake, she had to play by the boy’s rules and what he wanted. To kill the man that was stalking Duo would lower her in his eyes, and she couldn’t have it. Because when all of it was said and done, she needed his respect and his love for her. She wouldn’t take those things away from him by murdering someone. In Duo’s eyes, someone who took another’s life was lower than anything. She almost felt the same way, though she thought that a man who could rape a child was worse. Still, Duo deserved justice, not vengeance, and she had no right to take that away from him. She would have to keep doing what she had been doing, paying professionals to keep a look out for Wes, to keep tabs on him. Of course, that hadn’t been working so well. The man was like a ghost and Name felt like she should be doing more, especially now with him lying in this hospital bed and looking so pale and pained, even in his sleep.  
    “You know,” Trowa said with a deep chuckle that dissolved the somber mood of the room, “We really should start to ask for rooms with two beds in them whenever Duo comes here.”  
    His emerald eyes were fixed on Heero, who was still holding Duo’s hand and watching him intensely as the longhaired boy slept. Heero turned his head to glare at the taller boy.  
    “What is that supposed to mean?” he snapped at him.  
    “Well, this is becoming something of a habit, isn’t it?” Trowa teased, “Every time Duo gets hurt, you stay by his side like a loyal dog. At least this time he won’t be here long enough that we’ll need an extra bed for you.”  
    Heero felt that he should argue about the loyal dog bit, but it was the truth. Even when he and Duo were having problems, the second his best friend was hurt or needed him, he was by his side in seconds, unable to leave him out of fear that something would happen in his mere absence. Even now, though Duo wasn’t as hurt as he had been back then, he felt the intense urge to not leave his side. He knew that Duo wasn’t in any real danger from his bullet wound, but still… there was a darkness deep in his heart that screamed at him not to leave him. Once again, Heero wondered how he had been able to abandon him before, when now it seemed so impossible.   
    “We’ll get some chairs,” Quatre said, dragging Trowa out of the room in hopes that Heero wouldn’t deck his boyfriend for his teasing.   
    A nurse gave the two lovers a weird, confused look when they stopped her in the hall and asked for five chairs, but helped them find ones that were much more comfortable than the two in Duo’s room that neither of them wanted Heero sitting in for over twelve hours. She even helped them lug the chairs to the room and set them up before bustling off again. Almost immediately, Heero set up his chair and sat next to Duo’s bedside. Wufei watched all of this, feeling like a fly on the wall, or a big piece of furniture that was useless and just in the way. He looked down at his watch. His parents had wanted him to be home early tonight so he could start dinner before his father got home, but the thought of leaving right now made him feel uncomfortable.   
    Should he even go home at all? Duo had been shot and Wufei had almost died. He would have died had it not been for Duo’s courage. And he had repaid him by failing to shoot Wes. It seemed horribly wrong to just… leave him here. What if Wes attacked him again? He felt like he owed the violet eyed boy that much, to stay here and protect him. But at the same time, it was taking every inch of his will not to shake with what had just happened. His pride screamed at him to find some place quiet and solitary, while his honor as a friend screamed back that Duo’s needs were more important right now.   
    “Wufei,” Name said, almost loudly in the silent room, “I can take you home now.”  
    The Chinese boy’s back stiffened. Dammit, but that woman was creepily perceptive. It was no wonder why the magazines called her the sharpest, most efficient leader that the Yuy Corporation had had in over three generations. He hadn’t met Heero’s grandfather or great grandfather, but his mother intimidated the hell out of him, especially when it seemed like she was reading his mind.  
    “I… I think I should stay,” Wufei said hesitantly, “Duo-,”  
    “Rubbish,” Name waved away his concerns, “Duo is fast asleep and won’t even notice that you’ve left. He’ll wake up in a few hours and will probably feel much better about himself if you lot aren’t here. It will make him feel less guilty and pathetic. I doubt Wes will try anything tonight and if we need you, I have your number. It makes no sense to have you, Trowa, and Quatre hang around here, doing nothing. Duo’s life isn’t in danger and Heero and I will stay here.”  
    “She’s right,” Quatre said, looking at Duo mournfully. “Besides, they had to cut Duo’s shirt to get at the wound, so we need to pick up some clothes for him for tomorrow anyway.”  
    “And breakfast,” Trowa added, “Duo might not be a picky eater, but a decent breakfast, instead of rotten hospital food, will lift his spirits.”  
    And suddenly, Wufei realized that they were all worried about the same thing. Duo’s injury hadn’t really been that bad. Though he had had to have a blood transfusion and very minor surgery, he had been hurt worse in Boston with his anal injuries and dehydration, and he had gotten through that without any help from a hospital. Though a cut on the neck, some bruises, and sexual trauma didn’t seem as bad as a bullet wound, it had been his emotional state and shock that had made that time so bad. That was what they were worried about now. Though Duo was healthier than before, in that he wasn’t hungry or thirsty, seeing Wes again had to be more traumatic for him than seeing Chris.  
    He could see it in Quatre and Trowa’s eyes as they looked at their sleeping friend. What if Duo had a massive panic attack, even worse than the one a little while ago, and he made himself sick? Before meeting Duo, he had never thought that such a thing would be possible, but he had seen it happen to his friend before. He would be perfectly fine, then one of his attacks would hit and he’d become a wreck. He didn’t think that it could be avoided this time, and he didn’t know how bad it was going to be, but it was going to be bad. Duo’s worst nightmare couldn’t come to life and not have some intense consequences on him, on all of them. Name patted her son on his shoulder, barely gaining his attention.  
    “I’ll drive everyone home, but I’ll be back soon. Do you need me to grab anything from the house?” she asked.  
    Heero shook his head.  
    “There’s nothing I need,” he murmured, seeming to be in another world.  
    “I’ll leave your car… just in case,” Name said in a deeply somber tone.  
    Her words seemed to reach Heero and his eyes cleared, becoming sharp and focused. The mother and son shared an intense look and Quatre felt a chill go down his spine and settle in his stomach. She was saying… she was telling Heero that she was leaving the car because if Wes came, or anything else happened, Heero was going to have get Duo out of here. The thought of Heero taking out all those IVs and smuggling Duo, still drugged up and only dressed in a hospital gown, out of this crowded building and into his car under some… some assault made him shiver. He suddenly understood Wufei’s hesitance to leave. In the face of that intense, shared look, it seemed wrong to leave Heero and Duo alone, even if Name was going to join them shortly.   
    “I understand,” Heero said gravely.  
    Trowa noticed the same thing that Quatre had, but he didn’t feel as afraid as his lover. If Wes did indeed come for Duo, Heero would see to it that he would be safe. Heero would do anything for the longhaired boy’s safety, and Trowa trusted him to do what he had to in their absence. Name kissed Heero on the cheek, which he took without a glare of annoyance, and Quatre smiled softly as she did the same thing to Duo, watching as she bent down and whispered something in his ear. Whatever it was, when Name stood up, she was smiling fondly.   
    Heero heard them file out and the door close behind them. He sighed, but he wasn’t quite sure if it was out of relief or regret. As grateful as he was to have some alone time, away from the prying eyes of his friends and mother, the hospital room suddenly seemed so empty and cold at their absence. He hated the beeping of Duo’s heart monitor just as much as he had last time. It was a great way to tell if Duo was stressed, but it just reminded him that his best friend wasn’t well. He ran a shaky hand through his thick, unruly bangs. This was all so fucked up. He had thought, they had all thought, that when Wes had shown his face, they would take him out, they would give Duo both the peace of mind and revenge that he deserved. Instead, Wes had not only gotten away relatively unhurt, but Duo had been shot.   
    They had failed spectacularly. Hell, the only one who had managed to seriously hurt Wes had been Duo, the one person who shouldn’t have had to fight, not with those mental blocks of his. But, he also couldn’t help but being immensely proud of him for doing it. Duo had been turned, literally, into a slave by Wes, and Duo had always claimed he could never fight against the man, but he had. When the people he loved had been in danger, Duo had fought and he had saved them. Duo might hate violence, but he clearly had no qualms about protecting what he loved. Heero tightened his grip on Duo’s hand.  
    “I’m sorry,” he said out loud, “I failed you again. I… I keep failing you. If it weren’t for those cruel things I had said, you never would have run away from school. If I hadn’t taken so long to find you, I could have saved you before Wes had chained you up. I should have stopped Wes and Zechs from hurting you, long before you ran away. All the clues were there, I just didn’t want to see them. If it weren’t for me and my past, Relena never would have sent those boys after you. In Boston… in Boston I should have found a way to save you, but I didn’t. I should have stopped him from raping you, but I… I was just so helpless. I can’t do anything. I don’t even know how to protect you!” Heero’s voice hitched and a tear went down his cheek, “I love you so much, but I’m useless. I’m so stubborn and arrogant, but in the end, you’re the one who gets hurt and I keep failing you.”  
    He pressed his face to Duo’s shoulder, his tears spreading through the flimsy material of his hospital gown.  
    “I just want to protect you, more than anything. I want you safe and happy. But no matter what I do, you just keep getting hurt. And I’m the one who hurts you the most. I hit you, screamed at you, because I was consumed by my own selfishness and need to protect myself. I should have been thinking of you and your pain, but I refused to look at you, I just lumped you in with everyone else that hurt me. And now… now I didn’t even mean to hurt you, but I couldn’t take my own failure and I pushed you away,” Heero’s voice was thick with tears.  
    “Please… forgive me…” he begged.  
    The sound of his voice echoed in the room and quickly faded away into silence.  
  
End Part 23  
  
  



	44. Surgery Part 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wufei feels guilty for his inability to kill Wes. Duo has several panic attacks while still in the hospital as he realizes that Wes can now come after him whenever he wants.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 24  
　  
    There was something about how dark his house was when he got home that made Wufei’s heart twist in a knot. His parents wouldn’t be home for at least a half an hour, but seeing the house with no lights coming from its windows, no cars in the drive, no cheerful chatter sounding from the front door, made him feel indescribably lonely. It wasn’t even something that was new to him. The phrase, he believed, was ‘latch-key kid.’ Or maybe that wasn’t entirely correct, but more often than not, when he got home from school, his parents were still at work. His father only worked from Wednesday to Sunday and his mother had Saturday and Sunday off, unless there was an emergency, so seeing the house so dark shouldn’t have been so shocking. True, they were coming home later than usual, but there was no reason for him to feel this way. Still, tonight… tonight he wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to be alone.  
    He waved as Name drove off, after promising that she would call him tomorrow morning when she planned to pick him up again. He might have gone home before Duo had woken up, but he would definitely be there for him tomorrow morning when he got released. As soon as he got his spare key from his pocket, got the front door open, and was inside his house, he flipped the lights on. It didn’t make him feel any better. In the kitchen, his mother had already put out everything he needed to start the stir fry and her note to add as much garlic as he wanted; something that he loved and she hated, made him smile. She had been doing a lot of things like that for him lately. He wondered if she felt like she hadn’t done enough to prevent Fai’s leaving, or if she just felt bad for him. Either way, as little and simplistic as her efforts were, they did make him feel a tiny bit less lonely. It reminded him that, even though his boyfriend had left him and he still hadn’t heard from him, he had his friends and family, people that loved him and wanted to help him through this.   
    He got the heavy wok from one of the kitchen cabinets, covered the inside of it with vegetable oil, and turned on the stove. It was still too early to start cooking, his mother would take care of that, but the oil took a long time to heat properly and he wanted to get all the vegetables and meats cut up before they got home. Getting a clean knife from the drawer, he started to peel and chop the garlic. When he had left the hospital, he had felt relieved because he was finally getting some time to himself, but now that he had… it made something inside of him feel cold and hollow.   
He couldn’t stop thinking, couldn’t stop remembering what had happened, damn, just hours ago, thought it felt like days already. Maybe it was just his desperate mind, trying to distance him from it all, or maybe he was just that tired. The terrifying image of Wes’ cold, grey eyes flashed through him and Wufei had to put the knife down as a violent shudder went through him. Meeting him… it had been like meeting the Boogieman, something you had heard about your whole life. But the stories of that thing were so terrible, you thought there was no way such a creature could exist, and if it did, it couldn’t possibly be that bad. Then, suddenly, you were face to face with that thing and it was everything that existed in those nightmares, in those stories. No, it was much worse than that, maybe because it was real, tangible.   
    Wufei lifted his shirt and examined his stomach. His tanned skin was already black from the punch Wes had given him. Meiran, who had been the best fighter in their clan, had been the one who had taught him how to fight. He wasn’t as good as her, but he could beat most challengers. Grown men gave him no fear, and even though it had been a very long time since he had practiced the art, he wasn’t rusty. By all logic, a man that had probably never seen someone practice that martial art should have fallen to it, but it had been the other way around. That man’s strength… he had been like a puppy in the face of it. Every blow had not only been blocked, but countered successfully. Wes was big, but like a boxer, strong and fast at the same time. He hadn’t expected that out of the man.  
That one single punch had done him in completely. It had been bad enough when Wes had knocked him on his feet after that first attempt to kick him, but he had been so sure he could take him in a fight. He hadn’t even felt that second blow when it had hit him. It had been like being struck like a powerful blast on wind. One moment, he was lunging at him, the next he was on the ground, almost crying in pain. His stomach had felt like it was going to shoot out of his throat. Getting back up had been impossible, all he had done was lie there, coughing up blood, and wondering how in the hell Wes had been able to take him down so quickly.  
    How could he possibly do anything against such a person? Wes was a like a black wind, impossible to hold down, let alone destroy, and so powerful… he remembered Duo telling him about trying to run away, trying to find ways to fight against Wes, only to give up because of fear and hopelessness. He almost laughed out loud right there in the kitchen. Every time Duo said something like that, he thought that Duo was just a child, so it had been easy for Wes to control him, but it had been more than that. Just looking into that man’s eyes, Wufei had seen the sort of person he really was. They called him crazy because of what he had done to Duo, but in reality, Wufei could only call him crazy because the other word, the right word for what he had seen went against his beliefs of a logical world. In Wes’ eyes, he hadn’t just seen insanity; he had seen a complete lack of humanity.   
    In those grey eyes, he had seen a man who had no humane feelings for anything. He had no sympathy, no gentleness, and no compassion. Wufei truly believed that, before meeting Duo, Wes had never felt love for anything. In those eyes, he had only seen dominance and power, lust and desire for order and control, like a little kid trying to build the perfect sandcastle. If there was a slight imperfection, one detail that shouldn’t be there, that was out of his control, the whole thing would be knocked down, without a single thought to that past design. Simply… Wes didn’t give a shit. It was no wonder his strange attachment to Duo had driven the man insane. Such a feeling wasn’t supposed to exist in Wes’ world. That single detail, so out of place and strange couldn’t be destroyed, but it couldn’t be controlled, either.   
    A complete lack of human feeling, someone who was completely displaced from the world around him, but had found a way to grasp it and mold it until it made sense to him, by controlling people with an iron fist. A person like that… though Wufei hesitated to use the word… a person who had nothing in common with humanity, was evil. They were evil because they couldn’t be reasoned with, because they had no kindness in their hearts, and their only pleasure was from hurting people, from twisting them into themselves.   
    Wasn’t that exactly what Wes had tried to do to Duo? He had isolated him, mutilated him, until Duo was so lonely and detached and desperate, he had been more like an abused animal than a human being. But Duo had proven his worth over and over, had proven to all of them the strength of his heart. He wasn’t Wes, he had never become him. For some reason, Duo had managed to retain his humanity, in the midst of a life that had been deprived of it for as long as he could remember. Was it so surprising that Wufei was so proud of Duo? Through what Duo had told them of his childhood, Wufei couldn’t see any reason for him to still care about people, but he did, very much.  
    He claimed that it was because he knew what pain was like and he had lived a life so filled with loneliness, he was desperate for people, and could empathize with them, but Wufei wondered if Duo had always been like that, if it was just his personality. Seeing how much Duo had suffered, seeing the power of the man that had enslaved him, it all made Wufei feel so ashamed. All he could do was lie there, useless, from a single punch. Even when he had finally found the ability to stand, he had been useless. He had realized, when he had fallen a second time, there was no way any of them were going to win against Wes in a clean fight.   
    He had never seen any of his friends fight before, and he had been impressed by Trowa and Heero’s attempts, but Wes wasn’t just big, he clearly had years of experience in street fights, in fighting dirty, fighting to survive, not just to win and that, combined with his size and speed, he had been laughing in distain at them, just a group of brats. In reality, Wufei’s skinned elbows and bruised stomach, Heero’s bruised throat, and Duo’s shoulder wound and electrical burns were light compared to what Wes could have done to them.   
    Heero, Trowa, and Quatre hadn’t been there when Wes had taken out the stun baton, but Wufei had seen it as clear as day and it had been terrifying. Duo’s body had seized and knowing that his friend was helpless had been the scariest moment of his life. And Wes hadn’t cared at all. Duo hadn’t been surprised by the weapon, either, and Wufei wondered if Wes had done that to him before. That thought, of Duo as a little kid, on the end of that terrible stick, made him feel ill. In that moment when he was lying on the ground, cradling his stomach, and watching Trowa and Heero fail in taking Wes down, Wufei had thought he could predict what would happen. Wes would kill the four of them and take Duo away, lock him in the dark and rape him over and over and over, because they hadn’t been able to protect him like they should. Duo would lose his mind and soul and it would have been Wufei’s fault.  
    Wufei didn’t consider it Trowa and Heero’s fault, because in reality, he had had the perfect moment. Wes had been absorbed in Duo, arrogant in thinking that no one would come looking for the violet eyed boy. Wufei had had the perfect shot to disable him, to stop and think of the best way to take him out. Heero and Trowa hadn’t had that opportunity. By the time they had shown up, Wes had been on the alert and fighting, because Wufei had fucked up. The second he had seen that bear of a man on his friend, kissing him, assaulting him, he had lost his cool, he had lost his logic. He had gone in there, screaming, announcing his presence to Wes, and just trying to get Wes away from Duo, instead of trying to knock him out.   
    He had lied there, thinking that he had ruined anything, when the gun had caught his eye. It had landed in the grass; mere feet ahead of him, and Wes had been too occupied with Trowa and Heero to notice where it had gone. It had been like the universe itself had been lining up for him to take that kill shot, like the forces of nature and physics were giving him the opportunity to make up for his initial screw up. It was ironic. Even with that momentous power in his hand, he had been useless. He had had the perfect shot, and Wes had been so arrogant that he had given him that shot. But Wes had been right. Wufei thought that that was the biggest insult of all. Wes had been right, about all of them. They had been incapable of protecting Duo with all of their strength and Wufei had been too weak to pull that trigger. They had failed and Wes had gotten away without a scratch, because of him.  
    He wished he had never taken Wes advice and had never looked him in the eye. He thought that he could have handled his guilt, could have handled having that gun shoved in his face so much better than he was right now if he had never looked in that monster’s eyes. He had become completely frozen when that gun had been trained on him. He had never been that close to death before. His life had been spent sheltered, and the thought that he might die had never really come upon him. If he had ever thought that he would be in a situation where he would be looking a gun, he would have arrogantly thought that he could overcome it. He couldn’t possibly die from getting shot, he would knock the gun from the shooter’s hands, or the shooter would back off. He wouldn’t be shot, that was just silly.  
    Then, he had looked Wes in the eye and had seen all that evil in him, that apathy and only one thought had gone through him.  
   _‘I’m going to die.’_  
    Wufei shivered and wrapped his arms around himself. He had been so useless, and Duo had somehow saved him, had somehow found the strength to stand and act. If it hadn’t been for him, he would have died. He would have gotten shot in the head. Wes wouldn’t have stopped, he wouldn’t have cared, just one less obstacle in his way. Wufei shook harder. He felt so cold… so very cold. How could he have ever thought he could protect Duo? He hadn’t even been able to pull that trigger. It would have been the easiest thing in the world; Wes hadn’t even been expecting him to do it, he had been too close to dodge it and Wufei had chickened out. The thought of actually killing another human being had paralyzed him.  
    Goddamn it, why had he let Name and the others leave him alone? He didn’t want to be alone? He felt like there was a numbing coldness around his heart, squeezing him. He should be grateful to be alive, but the world just seemed… grey. Grey and empty. With a shaky hand, he picked up the knife again and continued to cut. Would Wes come for him, like he was coming for Duo? Would he sneak into his house tonight and blow his brains out while he slept? His breath came out in shuddering pants. No, Wes wouldn’t do that, right? The four of them were just fun little toys to play with, Duo was the real goal.   
    ‘If I weren’t his friend… would Wes leave me alone?’ the thought suddenly popped into his head.  
    Wufei growled loudly and slammed his hand into the granite counter. He wanted to slam his hand against that same surface. How could he ever think a thing like that?! Maybe he had been selfish and stubborn in the past, but Duo was his friend. When he was suffering because he missed Fai, Duo was there, trying to find ways to comfort him. Even after making an ass of himself over and over, Duo had forgiven him. Duo had fucking saved his _life_. And now, when Duo was the one who needed him, he was just going to abandon him because it was scary? No, he refused to be that pathetic! If Fai could hear him now, he would smack him for being so selfish, and he would be right. He could never be worthy of friends like Fai and Duo if he gave any credence to that stray thought. Even if it was terrifying, even if he might die… he had his honor and his pride as a friend. And if anyone deserved protecting, it was Duo.   
    That was the clinching thought. If their roles were reversed, Duo would do anything, literally anything, to save the people he loved. Something like that was worth fighting for. Even if he was terrified of the thought of meeting Wes again, for Duo’s sake, for his own sake, he wasn’t going to be a coward. Suddenly, he heard the front door open and he dropped the knife in shock.   
   _Would Wes come for him, like he was coming for Duo?_  
    Just as quickly as he had dropped the knife, he picked it back up and faced the doorway of the kitchen. His hand shook and he gripped the handle tight enough to hurt his fingers, but all he could focus on was the terrified beating of his heart.   
    “Wufei?”  
    The sound of his blessed mother’s voice almost made him cry. He wasn’t alone… He wanted to laugh at his relief. This was ridiculous; he was jumping at every little shadow. Duo was in more danger than him, but he kept focusing on that image of the gun, of Wes’ cold, unfeeling stare, and he was scared. For the first time in his life, he felt true fear. How the hell had Duo survived living with Wes for so long? Living in a state of terror for so many years had to have been like living in a sensory deprivation chamber, living without any sort of comfort or relaxation. The sight of his mother walking into the kitchen was like a sight from the heavens. He felt like a little kid, feeling safe that his mommy was home. It was ridiculous, but he couldn’t deny the relief he felt.  
    “There you are,” Lian said with her usual bright smile, “And you got all the vegetables done, even though I’m home early! I keep telling all the nurses what good boy I have. They’re so jealous,” she teased, “All their children can’t be bothered with chores. I decided to come home a bit early; I just got back from checking up on Duo. With your friend and his mother there, I think he’ll be able to sleep easily-,” Lian’s words halted in her throat as Wufei strode over to her and hugged her tightly, burying his face in her shirt.  
    “Wufei?” she asked in alarm.  
    Her son, though far from cold, never hugged them like this.  
    “What happened?” she demanded, remembering Duo with his bloody shirt.  
    Wufei didn’t say anything, but hugged her tighter.  
*****  
    After dropping Quatre and Trowa off at the house, Name stopped by the closest coffee shop to the hospital to get some drinks for herself and Heero. She had the feeling that it was going to be a very long night. She thought it was amusing that they both took their coffee the exact same way, making her wonder if Heero’s drinking habits were from him emulating her or if they just had that much in common. She considered getting a hot apple cider for Duo while she was there. The only drinks he liked from such places were cider, chocolate, and the fruity, decaffeinated drinks they made during the summer. He absolutely couldn’t stand coffee, and with his weak system, Name didn’t like giving him caffeine, and he would only drink tea if he was sick.   
    March in Maine was that strange part of the year when it wasn’t cold anymore, but hadn’t started to get warm, either. It was far too early for smoothies and the like, and too late for hot chocolate. Standing in line, debating whether Duo would still want to drink hot cider in this sort of whether made her think of the upcoming spring and summer. While standing there, she wondered if she should make Heero get a summer job. During school, it wasn’t really an issue. Heero was a good student, but subjects like English and Art took up all of his attention. In that way, Duo and Heero were a really good pair, since Heero did much better at math and history, which were two classes that Duo had to really work at. She had had hesitations about Duo getting a job, but he had seemed to really wanted to do it, and he had so far proved to be able to balance everything.   
    In the past, summer for Heero detailed two things: staying up in his room and getting into trouble. She had tried to get him to get part time jobs before, but he had always considered such jobs far beneath him. But that Heero wasn’t here anymore. Her son was no longer that rude, conceited, bullish person. He was kind and interested in life, for the first time since his father’s death, and she knew she had Duo to thank for that. For the first time, someone needed Heero more than he needed himself. Name believed that, Heero’s deep seated protectiveness towards his friends had finally gotten him out of his tail spin. It had forced him to really see Duo and see how hungry he was for kindness. For that, she would always be thankful for the longhaired American. He had brought her son back to her.  
    Name eventually decided not to buy any cider. By the time Duo woke up and could actually drink it, it would be cold anyway. Instead, she would make him some hot chocolate herself when they brought him home tomorrow. He liked it when she made it better anyway. There was a lot of traffic on her way back to the hospital, but she made it before the coffee cooled. She knew that Heero would never drink the hospital’s coffee, too used to the premium blends, if he even thought about his own needs while Duo was hurt. Sure enough, to her annoyance, when she got to Duo’s room, Heero was sitting in the exact same position as when she had left and she was sure he hadn’t moved an inch. His legs were crossed and he was fidgeting, telling her more than he would ever willingly say. When he saw her enter, he honed on to the coffee she held hungrily. That alone told her how tired he was, if he wanted the caffeine that badly.   
    “Thanks,” he said and made a go for the cup in her right hand, but she kept it out of reach.  
    “I’ll give to you if you promise to get out of this room,” she negotiated.  
    “Mom!” Heero protested.  
    “Don’t even start, Heero,” Name cautioned, “If I hear any complaints out of you, I’m sending you home. The only reason why I haven’t done that already is I know you’ll just stay awake and pace all night if you’re not near your friend. I understand you’re worried, but Duo isn’t in immediate danger. If you want to stay here the entire night, you will go to the bathroom, get some food in you, and take a nap. I don’t want to see you for at least two hours.”  
    “I-I can’t,” Heero argued, nervously looking at Duo’s sleeping form, “What if he needs me?”  
    The concern and love in Heero’s eyes for his best friend warmed his mother. She put a hand on his shoulder, her eyes going to the deep, black bruise on his throat and felt another surge of anger at the bastard that everyone in her little family had met but her. That didn’t make her feel any better, that her son had been in that danger and she hadn’t been there for him.   
    “This isn’t like last time, Heero,” she soothed, “His wounds are very minor, he isn’t in danger of dying. I’ll stay with him and make sure he’s all right. If he isn’t, I’ll come get you. But I’m not going to let what happened last time happen now. I won’t have you at your wit’s end because of your fears.”  
    Heero stared at her in shock. He knew that his mother was quite perceptive, but he hadn’t thought that his feelings were that obvious. He looked down at Duo again. He was so tired… tired of all of it, tired of constantly worrying about Duo, wondering if he was going to be ok. He didn’t want to stop loving him, or stop caring, it wasn’t that. He just wanted him to be safe for once. He wanted to take away everything that could hurt him, Wes, Zechs, Relena, his memories…   
    “I know I’m being irrational,” he murmured, “But you weren’t there, you didn’t see what happened…”  
    “Then tell me,” she urged, “Stop bottling everything up inside and just say what’s on your mind.”  
    She almost flinched as her son looked at her, his blue eyes desolate and hopeless.  
    “I always thought that I could protect him,” Heero confessed, “Duo told me, time and time again, about Wes’ power, about how scary he was, and I didn’t _listen_. I heard him, and I knew how scared he was, but instead of taking what he was telling me at face value, I chose to believe it was just the fear of a child, that Duo was just remembering how it felt when Wes had first taken him off the streets and because he had no one to protect him. I thought that, if I ever met Wes, I would show Duo that he isn’t powerless anymore. But I was wrong. Duo had been trying to tell me all this time, but I wanted to give some of his self confidence back and because of that, I underestimated the people he was scared of. I was just was powerless as he was, in Boston and now. When I watched Chris… when I watched him rape my best friend,” Heero hung his head, his messy bangs hiding his eyes, but Name knew that he was silently crying, “I thought, _I’m going to kill him_ , but at the end of it, I couldn’t even move, I couldn’t do a thing. It was the same with Wes. I wasn’t tied down this time, I could have done something, but no matter how hard I tried, he had the upper hand. I understand now. I’m just a kid and Wes isn’t some comic book villain that I can defeat just because I want it badly. In a way, that bastard was right. I can’t protect Duo, not by myself anyway, and I was stupid to think that I had any power at all. Both times… Duo was the only one who was useful both times. He got his cell phone… he hit Wes to stop him from killing Wufei… when he shouldn’t have had to do those things. He should have been safe.”  
    Heero rubbed a hand against his tired eyes.  
    “I flew off the handle. The second I saw Wes and heard Duo call his name, I lost control. I just wanted to hurt him… so badly… because of that anger, I almost got everyone killed. I should have been focused on getting Duo to safety, on calling for help, not on beating up Wes, but I couldn’t stop feeling that urge to kill him,” his voice was heavily strained from conflicting emotions, remembering the fight.  
    “Honey,” Name said with a sigh, “You have to stop beating yourself up over things you can’t change. What happened in Boston wasn’t your fault. You were kidnapped and Duo was only able to help because he wasn’t restrained like you were. If he had been, we never would have been able to find you. What he did was very brave, considering how hurt he was and the strain on his body, but it wasn’t anything you wouldn’t have done if you had been able. And this time… this time you weren’t alone. Any mistakes you can place on your head, you can place on your friends. Trowa was in the middle of that fight, too, and he didn’t think to try to help Duo get away, either. You’re right, you underestimated the man you were fighting, but that won’t happen again. There isn’t much a group of kids can do against a man with a gun, no matter how passionate you are, but you did a good thing. I don’t think Duo cares that you didn’t kill Wes. I think he’s just happy you tried to protect him.”  
    “But I failed him!” Heero argued, “Again and again and again… I fail him over and over! So why is it… why is it every time I do, he doesn’t look at me with hate?! In Boston, he flinched from me, but he didn’t scream, didn’t yell… since then, since ever, he hasn’t accused me of a single thing! When we finally found him again and tried to apologize for hitting him and pushing him away; he should have been furious, but he apologized right back to me! I don’t understand how he can always do that! Sometimes, I would rather he be mad at me, it hurts worse when I fuck up and he forgives me. Does he not care? Is that the reason why? Does he care so little that he won’t even spare the time to get upset when I make a mistake?”  
    Name’s gaze turned furious.  
    “Heero Yuy, don’t you dare say a thing like that!” she snapped.  
    Heero stared up at her, his eyes wide. He hadn’t ever heard her speak to him like that before… it was frightening.  
    “That boy,” her eyes flickered to Duo, “He loves you more than anything in the world. Even I can see that, so if you don’t, well, I didn’t raise my only son to be an idiot! He doesn’t get mad at you because he loves you. When the people we love make mistakes, it’s easy to forgive them for it. Duo needs you and he cares for you a great deal. In his eyes, whatever failings you have are tiny compared to the things you succeed at, the things you do to make him happy. You make him feel safe, no matter how many times you fail. He loves you so much; he doesn’t even see your actions as failures! He only sees your attempts at protecting him, at giving him a better life! You saved him from _Hell_ , Heero; do you honestly think that anything can dirty that?! He’s your best friend and without you, I don’t even think he would be trying this hard. I think, if he ever lost you, he might give up because no matter how hard it is, for some reason, you have the ability to lift him up at the end of it all. So don’t you _dare_ tell me he doesn’t care!”   
    Heero shuddered at her words and looked down at his sleeping friend. Deep down in heart, any remaining doubt he had vanished like it had been made of mere vapor, and he knew that it had been. Lies and excuses he had made up because it had been easier… but his mother was right and he knew it. He had known it all along. Duo’s smiling face, telling him that it was all right, flashed before him. So many times, he had done stupid things, but Duo had never so much as given him a bad look. Duo loved him, even if it wasn’t the kind of love Heero had for the longhaired boy, in a way, it was, because no matter what Duo did, he would forgive him, too. Hell, Duo had never done anything wrong in his eyes. That was why his own failures hurt so much, because logic said that Duo should hate him.  
    Hadn’t that been what he had told himself, that Duo hated him for Boston? That had been the core reason for distancing himself from his friend, or so he had told himself. But now, in the wake of his mother’s convictions, he looked back over the weeks since then, picking out times when, he thought, Duo had shown that hate. What he found made him feel pained and hollow at the same time. Duo hadn’t talked to him much since then, but that was the extent of it… he couldn’t remember Duo doing anything except that to show that their relationship wasn’t what it used to be. Had he been chasing ghosts, or had it all just been an excuse to make their closeness easier to handle?  
    “I’m an idiot,” he concluded.  
    “Yes, you are,” Name said in good humor, “Now get out of here.”  
    “Fine,” Heero grumbled, “But only for two hours.”  
    Name took the seat next to his as Heero rose and finally left the room. It made her relax a little. She just hoped he would do as he had been told and would take a small nap or at least get some food in him. She should have had that little chat of theirs weeks ago, but he had seemed so unapproachable. But now… she had been waiting for the event that would force all that out of him, she just wished it hadn’t taken Wes coming back and Duo getting electrocuted and shocked. Truthfully, she still hadn’t decided if Heero’s strange detachment to the longhaired boy was good or bad, but she had more than just her son’s welfare to think about. Any time these two had a problem, it was like a bomb went off, but when they fixed things, it was almost like two lovers making up, they would be attached to the hip, laughing, and looking like they were walking on clouds for days. She shook her head. It was weird thinking of Duo and Heero in those kind of terms, but it fit. She reached out her hand to brush Duo’s bangs out of his eyes.  
    “Everyone’s worried about you, sweetie,” she said softly, “I hope you aren’t going to be like your friend and hide things from me, but knowing you, you will.”  
    Duo didn't make any indication that he was going to wake up and his heart beat was steady. With a small smile, Name took a sip from her coffee. She took a look at her watch, timing Heero’s absence, and took a book from her purse. She couldn’t stand the magazines that this hospital handed out, considering they were just gossip rags and most of them had some sort of article on her and her family. The book she was reading was actually one from Duo’s bookcase, a brilliant thriller mystery that boasted some kind of twist at the end. It wasn’t something that she usually read, but at ten pages in, she was already enjoying it and could see why Duo’s collection was filled with these sorts of books. His love of the written word was something that had always impressed her, considering he had to teach himself to read from scraps of newspaper and flyers at an age older than must children. He tackled reading like a starving person tackled a buffet.   
    That desperate desire for education had always been a source of affection for her because she was so used to such things being handed to her and her family, whether they wanted it to be or not, but Duo was simply enthralled with such a simple thing. That the book she was reading was the young teenager’s made her feel a strange sort of connection to him. It reminded her that the American that she had once considered a guest in her home was now a permanent part of her family. No matter what happened, Duo would always be a Yuy in her eyes, and she was proud to have the boy be a part of that. She made it to the part where the hero confronted the killer for the first time, a full fifty pages in twenty minutes, when a strange noise made her look away from the page.  
    Duo still wasn’t exactly awake, but his hands were clutching at the sheets, so tightly that they were completely white, and the sound she had noticed was him whimpering. She stood and looked over him, wondering if he was waking up and was in pain, or was just having another nightmare.  
    “Duo?” she called very softly.  
    The muscles in Duo’s arm tightened and his hand whipped to the side, another whimper escaped from him. Then, his heart monitor started to scream as his heart beat shot up. He started to thrash in the bed, the IV lines pulled tight.  
    “Dammit!” Name swore, quickly sitting on the edge of the bed so she could pull the panicked boy into her arms, being very careful about his IVs.  
    Duo fought her as much as his tired body could; thrashing against her, animal-like cries falling from him. Name wondered for a second if he was fighting Wes in his nightmare, or if it was something nameless. His whole body was so tight, so in fight mode, it was painful for Name to hold him like that, like holding a rabid cat. She tangled her fingers in his hair, trying to find a way to soothe him. Just holding him wasn’t working. He was staring to weaken, but Name was less concerned about him not fighting than trying to get him to settle down.  
    Even though Duo had gained a bit of weight through constant home cooked meals, he was still small and thin, so it was easy for her to settle him in her lap. She wrapped her arms around him and rocked him. For a kid who had spent his life all on his own, living the life an adult, he didn’t seem to care when she treated him like a child. And when he was like this, that’s what she thought of him as, a little boy fighting a terrible monster. She wondered if Duo had had anyone to sing and rock him as a baby, but doubted it. That thought made her heart hurt. She felt him stop thrashing, but his body was still too tight, too tense. Even when Heero had had nightmares as a child, he had never had them like this, and her singing had usually calmed him down… with a small, enlightened smile, she lied her head on Duo’s thin shoulder, continually rocking him.  
    “Nen nen korori yo, okorori yo  
    Bouya wa yoiko da, nenne shina  
    Bouya no omoriwa doko e itta  
    Anoyam koete, sato e itta  
    Sato no miyagene nani moratta  
    Denden taiko ni sho no fue (1),” she sang.  
    It was a song that she had sung to Heero all the time when he was a baby and a toddler, it had been his favorite back then. To her relief, Duo’s body relaxed in her arms, but she didn’t stop rocking or singing to him, wanting to make sure he would fall back into a more peaceful sleep. His heart monitor had settled, too, but it was still making a shrill, alarm sound and Name knew that a nurse would be coming in any minute to see what was wrong.  
    “Sleep, little pigeon,” she continued, this time in English, hoping that Duo, somehow, would understand the words,   
“And fold your wings,  
Little blue pigeon  
With velvet eyes;  
Sleep to the singing  
Of mother-bird swinging  
Swinging the nest  
Where her little one lies.  
  
Away out yonder  
I see a star,  
Silvery star  
With a tinkling song;  
To the soft dew falling  
I hear it calling  
Calling and tinkling  
The night along.  
  
In through the window  
A moonbeam comes,  
Little gold moonbeam  
With misty wings;  
All silently creeping,  
It asks; "Is he sleeping  
Sleeping and dreaming  
While mother sings?"...  
  
But sleep, little pigeon,  
And fold your wings,  
Little blue pigeon  
With mournful eyes;  
Am I not singing? --  
See, I am swinging --  
Swinging the nest  
Where my darling lies,” she finished.  
Whether it was her continuous singing or the fact that she  
was singing in English, Duo had completely settled, curling against her in a deep sleep. It made her wonder if Duo could understand what the song meant, and whose arms he was in, if he knew that he was safe. She thought he did, even though he wasn’t awake. She wondered if she was the first person to ever sing him a lullaby. Her heart clenched again and she almost winced at the feeling. Her own mother, both her birth mother and her step mother, had sung to her when she was a child, and when she had been feeling sad and it had soothed her every time. It had soothed her because she was so used to it, but her own singing had seemed to reach something hidden deep inside of Duo, something that he wanted and needed. Not for the first time, Name felt the urge to hate Duo’s mother, wherever she was, even if she was dead.   
    The door flew open and Name knew it wasn’t Heero rushing back. Only thirty minutes had passed. As gently as she could, Name laid Duo back into bed. He made a small noise of annoyance when he lost the warmth of her arms, but didn’t wake up. Name wondered if it was because of the sedative, or he was hiding again. If he was hiding, she didn’t think it would be in sleep, though the waking world had its own demons for him. She pulled up the covers and stood to confront the nurse that had stridden in. The nurse was young with long, dark brown hair that fell loose around her shoulders. She was pretty and seemed to know what she was doing just based on how she walked into the room, but Name didn’t like her right away from the way she was glaring at her and Duo, like she was annoyed at having to run down here.   
    “What happened?” the nurse demanded to know.   
    “He had a little panic attack,” Name said truthfully.  
    She had lived with Duo long enough to be able to tell the difference between one of his nightmares and a panic attack. His heart had been racing too fast and he had been too frantic for her to call it a simple nightmare. She knew why it had happened, too, and she was definitely not happy. Duo was uncomfortable in hospitals at the best of times. They reminded him of that scary period in his life when he had barely escaped both Wes and the jaws of death. He had been weak, unsure of reality, his body and mind betraying him at every turn. The fact that the people here were all too happy to stick him with needles, one of his greatest fears, only made his anxiety worse. It didn’t take a genius to see that.   
    She didn’t blame him, either. She easily remembered his fear at every injection, every pill and drug, and that puncture wound on his neck. Thanks to Wes’ torture and ‘training’, even painkillers and a simple check-up were terrifying and not to be trusted. Dr. Stark may have been alarmed at Duo ripping out his IVs, but Name really wasn’t surprised. Needles and drugs were evil, and in the wake of a terrible nightmare, of course Duo would try to get rid of the one thing that couldn’t be trusted. She also knew that, if it weren’t for that damn sedative, Duo would be handling these panic attacks and nightmares much better. Yes, the previous one had been bad, but it was only because he had been disorientated after a nightmare. If he weren’t sedated, Name could talk with him, could calm him down, but now he was being forced to sleep, forced to dream and there was nothing Name could do to help him until the drugs wore off.  
    “You need to leave,” the nurse demanded, crossing her arms over her chest.  
    Name could see it in her eyes that she knew exactly who she was. There was a nervousness there, a very real fear that, if the woman would prove to be an enemy, Name would have no problem exploiting. Normally, she would like someone who stood up to her because that showed courage, but this wasn’t a board room or a business negotiation, this was Duo’s hospital room and she wouldn’t stand for it. She copied the move, crossing her arms over her chest and felt a bit smug at the fact that she was taller than the woman. The nurse was a scrawny thing; too much like the teenage girls seen on school dramas on television. She looked like she would have problems wrestling a rooster, let alone Name.   
    “And why is that?” Name asked coldly, sending the message loud and clear that she wasn’t going to back down.  
    The nurse hesitated, realizing that she was actually going to have to force the powerful woman to do what she was told, something that no sane person would relish.  
    “He was sleeping perfectly well until you came along,” the nurse said defensively, “Obviously you did something to upset him. If you stay, no doubt he’ll have another… episode. If you don’t leave-,”  
    Name made an abrupt noise, halting the nurse’s tirade.  
    “The only reason why he was sleeping ‘perfectly well’ is because the good doctor decided it was a good idea to give a distraught, teenaged, anemic boy a sedative for no greater reason than he was having a little fit, a fit that could have been handled with care and affection better than it was handled with drugs. And that’s precisely what he needs now. He just went through something terrible, not that I expect you or Dr. Stark to understand. It’s because of your medicine that he keeps having nightmares. He feels helpless and unprotected. Do you really think that removing me will make him feel better?” Name snapped at her, suddenly feeling very irritated.   
    “If he needs someone to sit by him, I’ll find his parents,” the nurse said stubbornly, even though she was starting to realize that she should just give up and leave.  
    “I am his mother,” Name said with conviction.  
    She meant ever word of it. Maybe Duo had just been ‘Heero’s friend’ in the past, but more and more… she found that she looked at him with the same love and importance as her son. Duo was _hers_ , dammit, a vital part of her family. No one else loved him enough to claim him. And that was what he needed. Someone to always be there, fighting for his best interest. He had spent his entire life in that position and it had worn him down, the knowledge that no one cared. One little boy against the entire world that wanted nothing more for him to be trodden down and disappear… it was tiring just to think of it. Wes claimed to love Duo, but even if that were true, then where was he now? Where was Duo’s precious ‘father’ when the poor boy was lying so pale on the hospital bed, a bullet wound in his shoulder, a wound Wes had put there?   
    “Y-you only have one son,” the nurse said, completely confused and not liking the ferocity in Name’s eyes one bit.  
    “You’re mistaken,” Name said coldly.  
The nurse couldn’t think of a single argument to that and took a retreating step back.  
    “Oh… well… I… I should…” she stammered, feeling like she was about to get devoured by a shark.  
    “Go,” Name finished for her, the word clipped in a severe order.  
    The nurse didn’t say anything further, just turned and nearly ran out of the room, closing the door quietly behind her. Name didn’t stop glaring until the door fully closed, then sat back in her chair. The room was oddly silent and she realized that she couldn’t remember when the heart monitor had stopped shrieking its alarm. She looked at Duo and almost gasped. His violet eyes were open and staring blankly at the ceiling. She almost ran after the nurse to smack her, but didn’t know if Duo had woken up because of the stranger’s voice or if the drugs had just worn off. She didn’t want to leave him over something so petty anyway. She almost laughed. She was starting to sound like Heero, scared to just leave Duo’s side for a minute.   
    “Duo?” she called to him, but he didn’t seem to hear her, he just continued to stare at the ceiling in confusion.  
    “Where..?” he murmured and she realized he was still a little bit drugged up.  
    A white ceiling… his eyebrows furrowed as he thought in confusion, fighting the fog around his brain. His room didn’t have a white ceiling, it was a nice, cream color, not this… starkness. Work didn’t have this color, either, it was grey. Wes’ ceiling was white, but it wasn’t so clean and was covered in water spots and stains. Where..?  
    “You’re in a hospital,” Name tried to tell him.  
    Duo didn’t hear her, his eyes darting around to take in everything. He saw the heart monitor and the rails on his bed, but once he saw his arms, he forgot about all of it. Needles… lots of needles… stabbing his arms, all over… out, out, out, they had to come out. To Name’s alarm, he started to hyperventilate. She jumped out of her chair when Duo grabbed at one of the IVs and started to pull on it.  
    “Duo, no!” she grabbed his arm, trying to stop him before he hurt himself again.  
    “Get them out!” he yelled, his eyes filled with tears and terror, “They have to come out! He’ll find me, he’ll find me, he’ll…”  
    Name let go of his arm and hugged him tightly, hoping he wouldn’t take that moment to finish the job. She breathed in relief when he let go of the tube, though his body was still shaking in fear.  
    “It’s ok, it’s ok,” she soothed, “You’re safe. I’m sorry, baby, but we can’t take those out until you’re better.”  
    She dared to look down and saw that his eyes were almost impossibly wide, staring at the needles, his face an alarming shade of white and she worried that he might vomit. He made a strange, strangled sound, like restraining himself from ripping the needles out was a physical strain.   
    “What are they?” he asked desperately.  
    Despite his obvious panic, Name felt warmth spread inside her chest. Duo didn’t trust doctors or nurses, but apparently, he trusted her to tell him what the needles were for. It was humbling.  
    “Antibiotics, to stop infection, fluid to keep you hydrated,” she pointed to each tube and named them for his benefit, “painkillers, and this lovely one is replacing the blood you lost from being shot.”  
    Duo seemed to relax a little with each answer, though he was still shaking. He trusted Name. If she said that that’s what the needles were for, then it was the truth. But he still hated them… but… it felt so nice with her arms around him, feeling her breast under his cheek. It was so much better than the unfamiliar bed. He felt his eyes droop as she stroked his hair.  
    “Duo…” Name said hesitantly, “Wes won’t hurt you again, I promise. I’ll do anything I can to make sure you’re safe.”  
    “None of that matters,” Duo murmured, “He can find me, no matter where I am. He always could.”  
    Name felt fear pierce her heart, not at any truth in what Duo was saying, but that he _believed_ what he was saying.  
    “Wes isn’t the boogieman,” she said.  
    She was truly scared that Duo thought that Wes was all powerful. Had the man finally broke him? Had his continuous presence finally convinced Duo that the man was, literally, a monster?   
    “Yes, he is,” Duo said, closing his eyes.  
    Name’s heart beat faster. The Boogieman… a child’s greatest fear… a monster that hid in the darkness of closets and under beds that would snatch them away the second the parent had his or her back turned. Yes, she supposed in some weird, symbolic way, Wes _was_ the Boogieman, but Duo was saying it like it was literal fact. She hoped it was the drugs talking, that he wasn’t so far gone by all of this, psychologically, that he could believe Wes wasn’t human.   
    “Honey… he’s just a man,” she tried to convince him, but Duo shook his head.   
    “He found me,” he said with conviction, “When I was supposed to be safe. If he can find me at the store, he can find me anywhere. Even in the darkest of nights… he’ll find me. The only reason why he hasn’t tried anything yet, why he hasn’t come to the house or the hospital is because he likes playing with me. When we lived together, he loved to experiment, and play these cruel games, just so he can watch me suffer. He wants to see me afraid, to see me running from every shadow, but I can’t help but be scared. That’s why he’ll always win. I’m scared and he’s the one with all the power. I can’t even _fight_ ,” he looked up at Name and she held him tighter at the expression of self-hatred on his face, “Ever since I was little, the mere idea of fighting him, of disobeying him has always filled me with this incredible fear. It paralyzes me. But it’s beyond that, it’s like I can’t do it at all, physically. Wufei almost died today and I should have done so much more. It’s _my_ fight, no one else’s, but today, I couldn’t do anything. Even when I hit Wes, there was this pain, this incredible pain in my head. It felt like I was dying, just because I had to hit Wes to save a friend. What did he do to me? Am I… am I always going to be like this, his slave?”  
    Name kissed his forehead.  
    “It’s not like that, Duo,” she assured him, “This shouldn’t have to be all on your shoulders. We love you, very, very much, so this fight is personal for all of us. And you did so much today. You saved someone’s life during a time when you were scared the most. I think… I think all those terrible things that Wes did to you, all that training and those punishments… they left a mark on you, something deep inside of your mind that makes it hurt to stand up to him, to stand up to anyone. You were taught, at a very young age, to be… to be a slave, to never stand up for yourself, to just take any sort of abuse. Today, you met that wall in your mind and you tore through it, because Wufei’s life was more important to you than any blocks or your past. You ripped right through all of that and kept Wes from killing Wufei. You _stood up_ to him. Don’t you understand how proud we are of you? You’re so strong, Duo. Most people in your place would have run and hid, but you made a stand. You weren’t useless.”  
    Her words made tears track down his cheeks. Hearing someone say they were proud of him made a strange happiness well up in him, especially during a time when he thought he was weak.   
    “I threw up,” he blurted out, “After the surgery… before I freaked out and had that dream… I remembered what I did to him and I kept throwing up.”  
    Name felt a sudden rage that that had happened and Stark hadn’t bothered to tell her.  
    “And the second I had hit him… I wanted to apologize for it. I was so _sorry_ about it. He hurt me, he tried to kill my friends… why would I want to apologize? How can you possibly say that you’re proud of me?”  
    Name rubbed at his back, one thing that always made him feel better when he was upset, that and when someone he trusted touched his hair.   
    “I’m proud of you because you’re moving forward. You’re trying to fight against what Wes did to you. That’s the most important thing. It’s hard and painful, but you’re still trying,” she pointed out, “You could stop or go back to how you were like before, but you haven’t. For a very long time, Wes was the most important person in your life, not because he was the person you loved the most, but because he controlled every aspect of your life. You went where he told you to go, you acted how he wanted you to act, you were what he wanted you to be. You went to school, only because he allowed you to. You lived, solely on his say so. The little rebellious things you did to break away from that were so tiny, you think they’re pointless. It’s very difficult to break out of that behavior. You wanted to say you’re sorry to him because that’s what you would have done in the past, and for a very long time, you didn’t have anyone else. That isn’t something you should be ashamed of, so don’t be. Even if it exists for the rest of your life, every step is important and that was what today was; a step,” she said.  
    Duo closed his eyes again, fighting against a smile.   
    “Then… you’re still proud of me?” he asked in a small voice.  
    “I will _always_ be proud of you,” she vowed, “We all will.”  
    “Even Heero?” Name’s heart ached at how unsure Duo sounded at that.  
    “Yes,” she said strongly, “Especially Heero. Oh, Duo… he cares about you a lot and he is _so_ proud of you, forever stride you’ve taken to help yourself.”  
    “But… he isn’t talking to me,” Duo confessed, “And if it weren’t for me… he wouldn’t be in danger. You have to hate me for that.”  
    “I do not,” she said, feeling a little bit offended, “I would never hate you for that, and Heero doesn’t hate you. He’s just worried. He feels… he feels powerless. He wants to protect you, but doesn’t know how.”  
    Name felt odd telling Duo things that Heero had said in confidence, but he needed to hear them.  
    “But all he’s been doing is protecting me!” Duo protested, “How can he not know? If he hadn’t been there for me in Boston… I would have given up… because he was there, because his life was depending on me, I kept fighting. He did all he could, how could he feel bad about that?”  
    Name gave him a sad smile.  
    “Duo… maybe you should tell Heero that,” she suggested.  
In the past, Duo would have protested that, but now, he let that advice roll around in his head.  
    “I just want things to go back to normal,” he murmured, feeling tired to his bones, “Before, I was so scared that he blamed me, and I was scared at… at how my past put him in danger… but I _miss_ him!”  
    “Then tell him that,” Name urged, “Tell him how much all of… this is hurting you. You need to work at this, the two of you. Would you rather to lose your friendship than have some hardships and fears?”  
    Duo shook his head frantically.  
    “I don’t want to lose him,” his voice was strained with fear.   
    “Good,” she said, untangling her arms from around him, “Now that that’s settled, it’s time to go back to sleep.”  
    “Can’t I go home?” Duo begged.  
    “Not until morning,” Name sighed, “Better safe than sorry.”  
    “Where did Heero go?” the longhaired boy asked.  
    “Hopefully, in the cafeteria getting some food,” Name told him.  
    Duo finally managed a smile.  
    “Good,” he nodded.   
    Name almost laughed on that. Sometimes she forgot that Duo worried about her son as much as she did.  
    “Bed,” she ordered at the same time she was helping him under the covers.   
    Duo hated sleeping on his back, but he was too scared to go onto his side like he was used to because of the IVs. He was still scared of the needles, but Name was here. And Heero would be back soon. It was ok to sleep. Now that he could think, he understood that. Name watched the American fight his way to sleep with a fond smile on her face. In reality, she couldn’t blame Duo or Heero for feeling useless right now. When Duo had come to live with her, she had thought, with the most absolute surety, that she could protect him. With her money and power, she had thought she could take care of everything for him. But all of that amounted to nothing. Wes was still out there and he had gotten away with so much, right under her nose. She felt just as useless right now as her children. She had never felt like this before and she really didn’t like it.   
    She turned to face the door as it opened and Heero walked through, his coffee long gone and looking a little bit more alert.  
    “Did you eat?” she asked.  
    “Yes,” he said.  
    “Sleep,” she continued to prod.  
    “Yes,” he was starting to get a little bit annoyed.  
    “Pee?” she teased.  
    “Mother,” he growled and sat down next to her.  
    “Well?” she poked him in the side and he squirmed from her, his side was always ticklish and Name knew that.  
    “Yes, I went to the bathroom,” he said dryly.   
    Name wondered if she should tell him that Duo had woken, but that would just excite Heero and she didn’t want him waking Duo up now that he was asleep again.  
    “Good,” she said with a grin, remembering Duo’s earnest concern about Heero getting something to eat.  
    Who knew she was raising two mother hens? She chuckled at that.  
    “What’s so funny?” Heero demanded.  
    “Oh, nothing…”  
*****  
    Morning came faster than Name had anticipated. Both she and Heero had stayed awake all night, despite the mother in her telling her that she should force Heero to sleep. The time was helped along by Duo’s mystery novel, which she read aloud to Heero, much to his amusement. By the time morning came and Duo was fed his hospital sanctioned breakfast, she had been at the last chapter and read that to Duo as well. It was nice to see him without drugs clouding his eyes. He didn’t eat very fast and there seemed to be some heaviness to his feelings and thoughts, but he did eat most of his food.   
    Name took one look at the rubbery pancakes and chunky yogurt and grimaced. Duo ate it like it didn’t bother him at all and she knew that it didn’t, but it bothered her. He shouldn’t have to have that attitude at all. She hoped that Trowa would make some chocolate chip pancakes for him when they got him home, they were his favorite and Trowa was the one he made them the best. The Italian refused to share the recipe with her, claiming that it was a family secret, and Duo said it had something to do with cinnamon, but Name had no clue. They had all wanted to come help pick Duo up, but Name had eventually convinced them to stay put and just help with a relaxing breakfast. She was sure that Duo wanted to go home as soon as possible.   
    Duo was doing a lot better off the drugs, he was more alert, less confused, and less pale, but there seemed to be a dark cloud hanging over his head the color of pitch. He was deep in his thoughts, only given them their attention if they spoke directly to him. A nurse had bustled in only a few minutes ago to remove the IVs and Duo seemed immensely relieved to have the needles out of his arms, but Name still felt worried. Duo had the nasty habit of getting overwhelmed by dark thoughts in times like these, and hardly ever told them what was on his mind. Right now, Duo should have been overjoyed by the prospect of going home, but he had this pained look in his eyes and Name wondered if he was already being swallowed up by memories prompted by Wes’ appearance. If he was, she had no idea how to help him.   
    Stark came in minutes after the nurse had left, giving them only a few moments of peace. His timing was so perfect and organized that Name pictured him as one of those tiny, toy soldiers that came out of cuckoo clocks on the hour. When you first saw them, you thought of how perfect and cute they were, but after awhile, their promptness and march just started to annoy you. The aptness of the doctor as a toy or useless piece of clockwork almost made her laugh, but that wouldn’t be very professional, and most of all, she an image to project, especially in front of this man.  
    For the life of her, Name wasn’t entirely sure what it was about Dr. Stark that pissed her off so much. When they had first met each other, Duo had been on the operating table with the doctor fighting for the boy’s life and at that moment, she had been too preoccupied with the thought that the young teenager might die before her son even got to say goodbye to him for her to think about the doctor’s attitude. But now after she had had the chance to meet him a few times, she saw that he was pompous, arrogant, and clearly didn’t like her or her family. What really pissed her off was the fact that, any slight he found in her, he was going to transfer onto Duo. But the fact remained that he was an excellent doctor, if not a great person, and they owed him for saving Duo’s life when it had seemed unlikely he would survive. Duo hadn’t complained about him, but Name was well aware of Duo’s bad habit of not telling them when something was wrong.   
    He was thorough, she would give him that. Even if he did project the image of an ass, he was professional enough that he examined Duo without bias. He checked his blood pressure, heart rate, and pupils quickly and efficiently, glad to see that everything was normal, glad like any doctor to know that he had done right by a patient, even if he didn’t particularly like this patient. He gave a little nod of approval when he noted that Duo had eaten all of his food. Usually, between injury, the after affects of drugs, and just the general poor quality of hospital food, patients hesitated to eat, but Duo didn’t seem to have a problem with it.   
    All that was left was to check the wound on Duo’s shoulder, the possible damage he had done when he had tried to rip out his Ivs, and then have a little chat with Name about something he had been contemplating last night, something that, while not entirely professional, had made his pent up anger at the family and longhaired boy recede a little. And maybe it was a little bit petty, but he hadn’t brought it up and it was already making him feel better, on top of the world again, the first time since the boy had hit him with that water glass. The best part of all… it seemed so logical, something any doctor would suggest… only, he would pursue it personally, and he bet that the woman watching him push the shoulder of Duo’s gown to the side wouldn’t even realize that he was taking a personal interest in all of this. He hid a smirk as he unwrapped Duo’s bandages, not noticing how the boy flinched at the tenderness of the wound. He examined it like he would normally, even as his mind was elsewhere.  
    “This seems to be healing nicely,” he noted out loud, “and the transfusion went well, but we still need to be cautious about infection. The same is true of the electrical burns. The marks should fade in a couple of days, but I want you to put antibacterial cream on both wounds and change the bandages on your shoulder once every day for at least three days.”  
    He looked at Name.  
    “I take it you’re going to be the one to change the bandages?” he asked.  
    The placement of the bullet wound was too awkward for Duo to be able to fix the wrappings himself so he would have to have someone else do it.  
    “Unless you want someone else to do it?” Name addressed Duo.  
    The violet eyed boy blushed darkly and shook his head, not meeting her eyes.  
    “I don’t mind if you do it,” he murmured.   
    He felt incredibly embarrassed by all of this. He had spent his entire life taking care of his own wounds. Sure, there were times when Wes had hurt him so badly, the blonde had paid off a doctor to come to the apartment to treat him, but those times had been so bad, he had had no idea how to help himself, and he considered it just a business. He was like a piece of machinery that had broken down and Wes was just paying someone to fix him so he could keep on working. He had known that, if money hadn’t been involved, that doctor wouldn’t have even looked at him. But this was different. He had always had a hard time with the idea of someone taking care of him. He had been self reliant for so long, no one had taken care of him out of the goodness of their heart.  
    When Wes hurt him enough to bleed, he had stolen fresh bandages and had wrapped himself up on his own. If he couldn’t wrap the wound by himself, he didn’t. He’d just swab at it with paper towels until the bleeding slowed, then left it alone to heal. He supposed that was why he had so many scars, he had never really properly healed his wounds. But that was just who he was, a byproduct of the streets. It was something that Solo, also a street kid, had understood, but Shi, as hard as he was, never had. Whenever Duo had shown up with an injury, Shi had always tried to help him and had never gotten why it embarrassed the younger American so much.   
    Truthfully, though the painkiller had been taken out of him, the bullet wound didn’t hurt very much, but he still agreed to let Name be the one to help him with the bandages, even if it was something he wouldn’t put a lot of thought in. He usually ended up ignoring wounds if they didn’t hurt very much. He was too used to them. But when Name smiled at him like that, he couldn’t help but agree with anything she said or asked. Wes would slap him if he ever heard that one of his greatest weaknesses was the smile of one woman, but it was something he understood. His entire life, he had yearned to find someone who would smile at him like that, and he hated himself for that need, but it was one he had shoved down deep inside of himself, until he had met Name. For a long time, he had thought that it was just Heero that had awoken the desire in him to escape from Wes, who had given him the strength to try to do that, but he knew it was Name, too.   
    He guessed that was why he couldn’t possibly look forward to going home like he should. He was terrified. Literally, he was so scared, he felt like, if he thought about that fear for even a second, he would break apart. He should be ecstatic to go home, to leave this place and go back to the one place he felt safe. His home… his sanctuary… the only one he had ever known. But that was just it. He didn’t feel safe anymore. That castle that he had created in the wake of losing so much and finding, finally, something to live for, something to look forward to… Wes had ripped all that from him. No matter what happened… he would always hate Wes for this moment. He just wanted to go home and feel safe again…   
    Wes had told Heero that they couldn’t protect him, but he had meant more than that. He was also saying that, no matter where Duo went, no matter what dark corner he holed himself up in, Wes would find him. He would always find him. He had meant what he had said to Name last night, Wes wasn’t a man. To say he was just a man would be to say that he had limitations, that, when his goal got too costly, he would stop. But he wouldn’t. He knew, more than anymore, more than even Chris, that Wes wouldn’t give up. He didn’t think that Wes even understood what it took to surrender to someone else’s will. He would keep trying to get him, even if it meant his death. Because of that… Duo could never call him a man, such a person wasn’t human, not really.   
    Wes was the Boogieman, he was his worst nightmare and he would find him in the darkest nights because Wes wouldn’t ever stop. He had always been purely focused on one thing. Before, that thing had been power and control, and now… now that thing was Duo. How could he ever possibly feel safe again knowing that all Wes’ terrible power and obsession was focused solely on kidnapping him? He felt like he was losing everything. And yet… Name and Heero were still here with him. Even if he didn’t feel safe, he still felt that he had people who would try to protect him. In that sense… Wes would never win. This one little thing, the thing that Wes had tried to destroy in Heero and his friends, was just as tenacious as Wes was. No matter what had become between himself and Heero, his best friend was still here, he still cared. No matter what Wes said… that meant more to him than anything.  
    “Though there doesn’t seem to be any infection and the would really is healing normally,” Stark’s voice gained Duo’s attention again, “There will be a scar-,”  
    “Save your breath,” Duo cut him off, “I know everything there is to know about scar tissue.”  
    Heero caught the bitterness in Duo’s voice and his right hand curled into a tight fist. After all this time… Duo still sounded like that… He knew that Duo would always be haunted by his past, but he wished that, someday, he would be able to look at himself without that bitterness. No one should hate themselves that much, especially not someone like Duo, who was so used to people looking down on him. His self esteem was only partially because of the way Duo saw himself, but after having nearly everyone around him look down on him, he had thought that his lack of worth was something true.   
    And of course Duo knew everything about scar tissue, he was covered in enough of it, but Heero didn’t think that Duo had ever taken care of his scarred skin properly. Heero didn’t think of them as ugly, though he knew that Duo did. They were disturbing to him, though, because every scar, every mark on his body was one more bad memory, just one more piece of evidence that he had suffered. It didn’t make Heero feel any better considering that many of those scars were so old, he had to have been a small child when they had been given to him. And Wes claimed to love Duo? What did that bastard know of love? He had _given_ Duo most of those wounds, if not all of them, so how could he say that he loved him when Heero knew that he loved Duo with all of his heart, and just the memory of striking him, the thought of causing him any pain, made him want to vomit? How could he claim to love Duo as much as Heero did when just the sight of those scars filled his heart with such a terrible pain?   
    Stark bristled at the dismissal, feeling vastly annoyed that the teenager had, once again, brushed him off, but was wise enough not to say or do anything about it, at least not in front of Name Yuy. Instead, he grabbed Duo’s arms, nearly smirking when Duo flinched at the move, and turned them over. For a brief moment, Stark’s grip reminded him of Wes’ and he shuddered. Would he forever be reminded of him… would he always see bits and pieces of him in the people around him… in his own heart and feelings? Frankly, he was sick of it. It was bad enough that he couldn’t escape Wes in the real world, he couldn’t even force him out of his thoughts, either.  
    “Well, at least you didn’t damage anything further with your foolishness,” Stark said briskly as he examined the areas on Duo’s arms where the IVs had been.   
    Both Name and Heero stiffened at the doctor’s tone.   
    “He wasn’t trying to hurt himself on purpose,” Name said defensively.   
    Stark turned his cold stare on her and felt annoyed that she didn’t back down. He let go of Duo’s arms and fought against a smirk. Such an expression, considering what he was going to say next, would be… inappropriate.   
    “Considering his severe reactions last night… or should I say, his breakdowns, I’m suggesting that he stay here for a few more days,” he told Name, “We have an excellent psychiatric ward here.”  
    Duo stared up at the doctor from his hospital bed with wide, terrified eyes. They were going to keep him here? No… no, he didn’t want to stay here anymore! He wanted to go home with Name and Heero! Even if he didn’t feel safe anymore… he belonged there. Maybe he didn’t deserve to be there, and maybe he was out of place, but he belonged there because Heero, Name, Quatre, and Trowa belonged there and he belonged with them, because the only times he felt like he belonged anywhere had been with them. Even in Wes’ apartment, he felt like a ghost. He said he belonged with Wes because it was familiar to him, but that didn’t mean that he felt comfortable there. He felt comfortable with the Yuy’s with his friends.   
    He couldn’t let them keep him here. He couldn’t let them lock him away… locked away… chained… unable to escape… it was going to be like before, all that darkness, surrounding him and keeping him from moving, when all he wanted was to see the people he loved one last time…  
    Name watched in alarm as Duo suddenly went deathly pale and started to hyperventilate. She swore loudly and quickly went to sit on the corner of the bed, putting an arm around Duo’s slim back and rubbing it affectionately.  
    “This is exactly what I am talking about,” Stark said gruffly, “He flies off the handle at every little thing. It would be better for him if he were looked after by a professional. Clearly you aren’t equipped to deal with him.”  
    “ ‘Every little thing’?” Name snarled at him, “After what he went through yesterday, these panic attacks aren’t an overreaction, but since you don’t have all the details, you have no right to make any kind of decision! You just suggested that we abandon Duo here, when he’s feeling scared and vulnerable, so you can sic your therapists on him, when all he wants to do is to go home! Of course he’s going to panic when you throw out a half-assed suggestion like that! He has one bad dream, one bad moment, and your solution is to sedate him, which only gave him more nightmares and more panic attacks! Now you want to keep him in the one place that makes him the most anxious! So far, the only one here that’s proven to be incapable of handling him is you!”  
    Name felt like her insides were boiling over with rage. How dare that pompous ass look her in the eyes and tell her that, not only should Duo be analyzed and treated like a mental patient, locked up where Name couldn’t help him, but that Duo’s reactions were ‘foolish’ and that she was a bad guardian?! She had lived with him for months and could easily say that she was the only adult suited to taking care of Duo. Hell, she was the only adult that cared enough to stand up to this doctor for his best interests. Yes, she thought that Duo could benefit greatly from some psychiatric care, but on his terms. If Duo didn’t seek out help himself, any effort to help him would fail. Forcing him to talk to a therapist was only going to turn him off to the whole process, making it virtually impossible for him to reach out when he was ready for that kind of help.   
    She was certainly no idiot and even someone with half a brain could see that Duo was overly anxious because of this hospital. How could anyone in their right mind think that separating him from his family and handing him over to the psychiatric ward on a second’s notice was going to do him any good?! Hell, Duo was shaking under her hand at the mere suggestion of it. The thing was, she knew that Stark wasn’t a fool, either. He had to know that this suggestion of his was a bad idea, so why did he seem to believe it? She had no idea what his game was, but her every nerve was on alert. She just wanted to get Duo home with no incidents and now she had to deal with this.  
    “Duo will be just fine once he’s home with us,” Name continued to rant, “And I am far more capable of making sure he is calm and relaxed than this hospital is!”  
    Almost in response to her words, Duo’s breathing finally slowed to normal. The feeling of her body against him, her arm stroking his back, was all he needed to feel that measure of safety again, diminished by Wes’ assault, but still there. That was right… Name was here… she wouldn’t let him get locked up again… she would protect him… even if she was powerless, at least she would try. Heero let go of the breath he had been holding when he had seen Duo’s imminent panic attack. His mom really was on a roll today in dealing with the pompous doctor. Even if she wasn’t, there was no way in hell Heero was letting his best friend get taken away from him! He noted how Stark was gritting his teeth and looking like he wanted to strangle his mother. Good, let him try something. Heero had started to hate the man ever since he had yelled at Duo for ‘slipping’ in the bathroom and hurting himself. He was sure that, if Stark kept this up, his mother was going to punch him in the face, and she was usually such a collected person.   
    “I won’t be taking your suggestion,” Name said, a bit calmer now that Duo was over his panic attack, “I’ll be taking him home with us.”  
    The rest of Duo’s fear of confinement flooded out of him at her words. Home… even if it wasn’t sanctuary anymore, he wanted to go there more than anything at this moment.   
    “You’re making a big mistake,” Stark advised and everyone could hear the strain of anger in his tone.  
    “I don’t give a shit,” Name said coldly.  
    Heero and Duo stared at her with wide eyes. Heero thought he could count how many times he had heard his mother swear on one hand.   
    “Fine,” Stark gritted out, still furious, but not mad enough to completely lose it in front of Name, “But he shouldn’t stress his shoulder and those… anxiety attacks are a problem. He shouldn’t go back to school for a few days, at least.”  
    “I can’t skip school-,” Duo started to protest.  
    “It’s not a problem,” Name told Stark, “One of his teachers witnessed his wound, so it’ll be easy to get him excused.”  
    Duo looked at her stressfully, Williams’ constant insults ringing in his ears, along with his promise to Treize that he would do his hardest. Name caught the look and gave him a soft smile.  
    “It’s alright,” she assured him, “You need some time to relax after all this.”  
    “I can handle it,” he said, but even he knew it was a lie.  
    His voice wavered even as he said it, the thought of going to school, having to deal with Williams’ and Zechs’ crap, added to the threat of Wes showing up again was already making him feel like he was going to start to hyperventilate again, living it just might give him an ulcer. But what choice did he have? He didn’t want to fall back on his old patterns of missing classes, proving to Williams’ that he really didn’t deserve to have a second chance.  
    “Sweetie,” Name said sadly, hating to see him so distressed, “You need your rest. I’ll explain the situation to Mr. Khushrenada. He’s helped you in the past, you know he’ll understand. Besides, we’ll make sure you won’t fall behind in your class work. Between Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, and Heero, all your classes are covered. They can bring you your notes and homework assignments and see that you get your work in on time. Besides, it will just be for a few days, a week if you’re not feeling better by then.”  
    Duo brightened a little at that. If he didn’t miss his assignments, that wouldn’t be so bad, right? And Quatre, who had most of his classes, was great at taking notes. He could do that…   
    “Ok,” he agreed.  
    “And I’ll make sure that Williams’ doesn’t give you any bullshit about missing class,” Heero piped in, giving Duo an encouraging smile.  
    Duo’s chest suddenly felt warm at that smile. Name’s words about Heero not hating him came back to him and he felt his insides shiver. It was so easy to believe, maybe because he wanted to believe it so badly…   
    “I’ll get the release forms,” Stark said in a near grumble and strode out.   
    Duo looked up at Name the second the doctor was out the door.   
    “I can go home?” Duo asked in a small voice.  
    Name was overcome with how vulnerable he looked and sounded. She very much wanted to run after the doctor and punch him in the face for making Duo so scared. She hugged him tightly.  
    “Of course you’re coming home!” she kissed the top of his head, “I would never let you stay in this place another day, unless your health depended on it. Now, I brought you a change of clothes. You can get changed while I’m signing the release papers, then we can go home, together.”  
    Duo gave her a small smile, but it was one that was brimming with relief. Home… it wasn’t what it used to be, he didn’t know if it ever would be again, but it was his and it would always be a sanctuary for him, if not from Wes, then from that feeling of cold loneliness in his chest he always got when he was away from it. J  
　  
End Part 24  
　  
         (1) Translation: Go to sleep, go to sleep  
You’re a good boy, go to sleep  
Where did your career go?  
She/he crossed the mountain and went to his/her home village  
What souvenir did you get from the village?  
A loud taiko drum and a red flute  
  
  



	45. Surgery Part 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wufei apologizes to Duo for not being able to save him from Wes. Name and Duo's friends notice that he is becoming paranoid with the return of Wes and Trowa and Quatre confront him about it.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 7  
Part 25  
  
    The large, white house was completely quiet. Name had always been the type of person who liked quiet, but this kind of silence set her on edge. It was Monday and two whole days had passed since they had brought Duo home from the hospital. At first, Name had let a false sense of hope fill her, thinking that all of her fears about Duo’s mental state were just paranoia. When he had walked through the door to their home, he had seemed fine. Quatre had hugged him tightly, though careful of his shoulder, and Duo had hugged him back. When Trowa had made him a big lunch of his favorite foods, he had eaten as much as usual and had talked with them easily. Everything had seemed _fine_. Then, when Duo had finished eating, had gone up to his room.  
    Name had thought nothing of it at the time, thinking that Duo just needed his space, so she had left him alone for the rest of the day. When he didn’t leave his room until dinner, she had felt a little seed of worry being planted in her heart, but she thought that it was only normal. After what had just happened to him, Duo obviously needed some time alone to think, she just hoped that, at the end of his musings, he would come to some positive conclusion. Wes had come back, but no one had been seriously injured and Duo was home, where Name could keep a close eye on him, these were the thoughts that she hung to like a security blanket in the face of her failure to protect him. Maybe she was a little bit like her son in that respect. That failure ate at her, but she refused to let it consume her. To do that would be to admit defeat, and not only was she ill suited to such things, but for Duo’s sake, she refused to give up. She wasn’t going to stop trying to protect him just because she had let him down a couple times, even if this last time was glaringly big.  
    When Duo had come down for dinner that Saturday night without a fuss, Name had been sure that things were going to be ok. Then, yesterday, he had repeated the same exact behavior, staying up in his room all day until a meal came. Quatre, Trowa, and Heero seemed too unsure to try to break him out of the strange funk he was in and Name felt the same way. She didn’t want to force the boy to do anything at the point, wanting to see if he would come out of it on his own. Duo was acting like he was trapped in some sort of fog. Even when he talked to his friends, it was like his mind was somewhere else. It worried her. Duo’s actions during the day worried almost as much as the night did. Almost.   
    Both Saturday and Sunday night they had all been woken up by screaming. Name had been half expecting some sort of nightmare Saturday, but the screaming had been horrible. It had been like listening to a child having a night terror. She had hoped that bringing him home would do something to curb those nightmares, but it hadn’t made anything better, it seemed. Both nights, she had been the first to his bedroom, though Heero had been close behind her. Both times, by the time she had ran out of her room and into his, Duo had been wide awake, panting with exertion, covered in sweat, and white as a sheet. Both times, he had been staring out his window with huge, petrified eyes, as though he expected some shadowy demon to come through. She had held him close each time and eventually, Duo had settled down, but he hadn’t gone back to sleep. Heero and Name had stayed with him until breakfast, but no one had said anything during those times, all feeling oddly shell shocked and out of place.  
    Whatever was haunting Duo enough that he couldn’t find peace in his own home didn’t seem to have any intention of leaving. Name knew that only two days had passed and it was illogical of her to search for some kind of miracle cure, but she felt like a soldier on a battlefield. Or a high profile witness. She had upgraded all the security systems, but she still felt on edge. During the day, she had started the habit of looking in on Duo from time to time, and during the night, she lied wide awake, waiting for the screaming. She had no doubt it would be the same tonight. She was starting to feel like a refugee in her own home, wondering when the next attack would come, either from Wes or Duo’s behavior.  
It was driving Heero insane, even Name could see that. If she didn’t understand how scared her son was at this whole situation, she would have slapped him for dancing around Duo like he was an active grenade, which at this point, he kind of was. They kept expecting one of his explosive panic attacks, but instead, he just stayed up in his room, thinking and doing who knew what. Every time she looked into that room, she had this strange image of him wasting away to nothing. Of course he was eating, but he was like a pale ghost among them, always on alert, but distant. Name desperately wanted to know what was going on his head, but Duo was a mastermind when it came to hiding. Even now, he was far too good at keeping secrets from them. She knew that Wes was the one haunting him, but to what degree?  
    Was it that man that Duo was dreaming of, or were the nightmares simply memories that Wes’ appearance had sparked? She didn’t know which one was crueler, Duo’s mind depicting Wes as a monster, or the reality that he had survived. She wanted to reach out and hold him close, to tell him that everything was ok, that Wes couldn’t possibly get to him, that he was safe, but that was a lie. Maybe that was what was making her feel so desperate and scared. For all of Duo’s fear and paranoia, he wasn’t crazy. Wes was out there, trying to make a go for him, and who knew what the man was going to do when he got his hands on Duo. They all had to be on alert, but that was just making Duo even more skittish and nervous. But they couldn’t let their guard down. It seemed like every time they did, Wes pulled some trick. First Boston, when they had all been enjoying themselves and Duo had thought that he had finally escaped to a place separate from his nightmares, and now, at Duo’s job.  
    None of them knew how to lessen Duo’s fears and Name was wondering if it was such a good idea that she had gotten Treize’s approval to have Duo skip a week of school. She wondered if trying to force him to get things back to normal would have taken his mind off of all this, or if him going to school was just going to scare him more. Perhaps she was being a little bit selfish. She had wanted him home so adamantly because it was the one place where she could truly look for him and make sure that Wes wasn’t around. She could tell Treize to keep a look out, but the principal could only be so many places at once and he had other duties to attend to. But having Duo sit up in his room all day couldn’t be good for him, either. He had seemed a little bit better today when Trowa, Quatre, and Heero had come home from school.   
    Wufei had been with them and had brought Duo notes and homework to do. The five of them had hung out in Duo’s room, doing homework together and playing video games. It had been the first time in what seemed like ages that she heard Duo’s voice with some life in it. She had thought that maybe the worst was behind them and Duo really had just needed a few days to himself. That thought made the silence when Wufei had left and Duo had finished his work all the more painful for all of them. His friends seemed to draw his intention and interest, but the second they left him alone, he settled back into this flat, empty state.   
    In a way, Name was glad that Wufei had gone home right before they had had dinner. He was good for Duo in the way that all of them were good for him, but watching them together today, there was some strange static between them. However, it hadn’t been coming from Duo. It had been coming from Wufei. There was something that Chinese boy wanted to say to Duo, that was obvious to everyone, but he didn’t. It was like the clichéd elephant in the room. Everyone knew it was there, but just avoided it like the plague, especially Wufei. What was it with these boys, Name wondered, that they were completely incapable of speaking with each other about the things that ate at their hearts? Wufei was just as bad as Heero. It made her want to slam their heads together. They were all just… hiding from each other. It was ridiculous. Something had to break, sooner or later, something would break.   
    Name approached Duo’s bedroom cautiously. The smell of rice and beef from the kitchen was inviting, but Duo’s room seemed cold, though Name knew it was just her imagination. The door was cracked, like it had been for the last few days, and she wondered if the longhaired boy was so gone mentally that he didn’t notice them checking up on him, or if he just didn’t care. Lately the boy was like a squirrel, skittish and jumping at the slightest noises. Frankly, she was shocked he didn’t have an ulcer by now with how anxious he always was. But lately, it was much worse.   
    He was clearly expecting something terrible to happen at any second. She couldn’t stand seeing him like that and wondered if she should get him some kind of medication. She wasn’t fond of drugs, but she knew Duo wasn’t sleeping. He had circles under his eyes and seemed so exhausted in the morning. Would it be so terrible to give him a sleep aid, or something to make him relax? It wasn’t healthy for someone to be in that state of anxiety for so long, it was like he was constantly on adrenaline. She peaked in the door and saw that he was in the same exact spot he had been in since they had brought him home on Saturday. He was sitting on the side of the bed that was facing the window, which he was staring out of, just like he did every day. She saw Sammy curled up against Duo’s right leg and Toby sitting straight up on his left, looking out the window in a mirror image of Duo.   
    Name wondered if there was something so interesting out there that the cat would be looking, too, or if he was just copying Duo. If it wasn’t so oddly melancholy, like a dedicated warrior following his ill master, it would have been cute. Name knew from experience that Shiva was cuddled up on Duo’s lap, probably napping. She rapped lightly on the door, gaining Duo’s attention. His violet eyes seemed dark and heavy recently, like there was an actual weight to them, or maybe she was just seeing things. In any case, it filled her with a deep sadness.  
    “Dinner’s ready, sweetie,” she said with a soft smile.  
    Duo nodded to her and placed Shiva on the bed.  
    “Thanks,” he said and walked past her towards the stairs.   
    Name watched him go and stepped into his bedroom. His bed was neatly made, like it always was, and the TV was off. For some reason, that bothered her. He had been cooped up in here for so long, but she hadn’t heard the TV going unless one of his friends was in the room. That he was just… sitting on his bed and staring, without reading a book or watching TV made her insides squirm. She stood in front of the window and looked out of it. She saw their next door neighbors’ houses and plenty of trees. There was the lamp post by their driveway, the neighbor’s golden retriever running around in the enclosed yard, and the tree line was lit beautifully by the setting sun, but the sun had only started to set recently. There was nothing out there that she could see that would have caught Duo’s attention any more than usual.  
    Name suddenly realized that the bedrooms up here had the best view of the street that led to their house. It wasn’t a huge epiphany, but for some reason, it sent a shiver down her spine. She turned and looked at Toby, who was still sitting on the bed and was looking back up at her. In her mind, the Javanese’s golden eyes looked worried. She scratched the top of his head, remembering a time when the large cat had just joined their family and he had hissed at anyone who tried to touch him besides Duo. The cat purred under her touch, his almond shaped eyes closing in happiness. Her own sharp eyes studied the room again, but just by judging what she could see, Duo was spending his time just staring out that window. Had Dr. Stark been right, she wondered. Was Duo breaking down, was he starting to lose it? Or was there some kind of logical reason that Duo kept looking out the window? She hoped so. God, she hoped so.   
*****  
    Trowa was worried. No, that was probably an understatement. He knew that he wasn’t alone, either. It was impossible to tell how Heero felt, he was still closed off, but Trowa didn’t think it had anything to do with Boston anymore. That was the one bright point in this mess. Since Chris had kidnapped them in Boston, Heero had been walking around like a man torn in half. His indecisiveness had distanced him from all of them. He had claimed at the time that he was doing it for Duo’s sake, but even Trowa had recognized the lie. In reality, Heero had been lost. Now, ever since he had come back from the hospital, he seemed to have a clarity of purpose. Trowa wondered if it was watching Duo get shot or something different that had finally woken Heero up. He supposed that the reason wasn’t really important, as long as his old friend finally got his head out of his ass and saw what was happening.  
    Even though Heero was still a bit closed off, if only to protect himself, Trowa knew they would have to be idiots to not realize how worried Heero was about Duo. Trowa was quite sure that, no matter what happened, Heero would always worry about his best friend, but now he had every reason to. Wufei was guilty over what had happened and they were all filled with anxiety and fear. How Duo had acted after Boston was nothing compared to how he was acting now. He was like a ghost, drifting through life, not even half the person he had been. Sure, Duo had never been hyper, but he looked like he was sleepwalking half the time.   
    Trowa kept remembering the American that had constantly come to him for help. Even when Duo had been in a bad spot, sooner or later he would talk to one of them, usually Trowa. Quatre understood that something had been lost, too. There was something going on with Duo that was taking their friend away from them. It only made Trowa hate Wes all the more. Duo had been doing so well, finally coming out of his shell and trying new things. He had been, little by little, letting go of his shyness. Then Wes, that bastard, had neatly and surely put Duo right back into the state he had been in when they had first met him.   
    Duo was constantly on alert, when they tried to speak to him, he talked hesitantly like he used to, in that quiet way that told everyone he was wondering, if he spoke up, if he might get hit. Of course Duo didn’t really think they were going to hit him, it was just an odd reflex, one that Trowa had hopped their friendship had erased. They had all underestimated the damage that Wes had done to Duo’s mind, that severe conditioning that still made Duo flinch when a stranger touched him, or how hard it was for him to stand up to another person, especially if that person was bigger than him. Trowa wasn’t a very violent person, he got along well with the animals his sister worked with because of that nature, but Hell was too good for a man like Wes. Duo’s current behavior was a testament to the power that Wes still held over him. Wes showed up once and Duo was reverting back to his old self.   
    It infuriated him. Duo was working so hard to get better, but their friendship seemed so… quaint in the face of Duo’s fear of Wes. Though, Trowa supposed that, considering how Duo could be reacting… he could be curled up in a ball of terror, in a semi-comatose state. Or, in his fear, he could have gone running back to Wes just to end it. Instead, he was here, so Trowa supposed that maybe their friendship was enough to keep Duo grounded, if not completely healed. Still, he was worried about the true extent of the damage that had been done by Wes returning like this. Duo seemed so unhinged. He was bottling something terrible inside of his heart and refused to let it go. Until he did, Trowa was sure that Duo was never going to be able to relax. Maybe it would be worse than that. Maybe, they would have to kill Wes to have Duo let go. It was a troublesome solution, given how powerless they were, but the end result wasn’t exactly something that he thought anyone would be unhappy about. Wes wasn’t exactly the kind of man that many people, if any, would mourn over.  
    Trowa had half a mind to suggest that they all force Duo out of the house, maybe take him down to the park or to the movies. He just kept sitting up in that damn room, staring out the window according to Name, no doubt brooding in his dark thoughts. He and Trowa were very alike and Trowa had no problems admitting that. In a way, he sort of knew what was bothering Duo. He had had so little in his life that the smallest things were now important to him, things that people like Wufei, Heero, and Quatre took for granted because they had had them their entire lives. Little things like a home. Duo had referred to this house many, many times as his sanctuary. Trowa understood that.  
    Duo had never really had a home before. Sure, he had lived in a place with Wes, but for some reason, Duo didn’t equate a home as a place with walls and a ceiling. Home, to Duo, was the place that he felt the safest, the most secure. Home was the place where Duo could heal, where he could stop being afraid and be himself. Home was where the people he loved lived. A part of the reason why Duo loved Name so much was because she had given him that home. And Wes had taken that away from him. That wonderful home could now be invaded by Wes at any moment. It was no wonder Duo acted like such a zombie lately. He was still trying to find his footing, was still trying to find out if this place would remain his sanctuary or if, one night, Wes would come for him and finish the job of destroying this new life he had fought so hard for.  
    Plain and simple, it wasn’t fair. Duo didn’t deserve to be in this constant state of fear. Hell, they were all afraid, but even now it seemed like Duo had the most to lose, because even though he still had a long ways to go before he was whole again, he had come a very long way, and if Wes had his way, Duo would be that shy, miserable, lonely boy again, because that boy could be controlled so very easily. It wouldn’t come in blows or harsh words, either. Men like Wes… men like Trowa’s uncle… they knew the harshest truth of all. Control… true dominance… was the easiest thing in the world because all it took was one kind word, one pat on the shoulder, one testimony of love and affection to get a love starved person like Duo to bend to their will.  
    Maybe that was why it was so hard for Duo to stand up to Wes, and why he seemed to be in such turmoil now. All Duo had ever wanted was a family. Trowa thought that Duo had grown up without a single friend, without one person who actually cared about him. In that comparison, Wes’ brand of pain-pleasure wasn’t so bad. Yes, his love hurt, but it was still some kind of affection. It was no wonder why, even in his hate of the man, Duo still felt connected to him. That was what made Wes so dangerous. He knew how to control Duo through that love. Duo had spent too many years with the man to just turn his back on him without a spark of feeling. Hate and love… there was a saying that those two feelings were essentially the same. Trowa saw it in Duo’s eyes when he had looked at Wes; that love and hate.   
    The only thing standing in Wes’ way was… well… them. It was a daunting responsibility, to have Duo’s welfare on their shoulders. Their love was probably a bit scary to the street kid turned whore. It was probably just as painful to Duo as Wes’, because their love was full of hope, but it was also kinder. Their love had a future beyond what Wes had already given Duo. It was the kind of love Duo had dreamed about as a small child and Trowa fervently hoped that that dream hadn’t completely died throughout the years, that that dream would be what saved Duo now.   
    Trowa looked down at Quatre, who was slumped against him, fast asleep, his head lying on his arm, and smiled fondly at him. They were all trying hard not to let their worries show and trying to give Duo some space, but he knew that they were all anxious over Duo’s recent behavior. It was probably worse for Quatre, he reasoned. It was very hard for his lover to let things be when people were hurting while Trowa was more patient. It had taken a lot of maneuvering to get the blonde down the steps and into the TV room when Name had left for an emergency business meeting, but he had finally managed it. He didn’t think any of them were sleeping very well, in between meeting Wes and seeing Duo walk around in a daze, not to mention hearing his nightmares… but he could feel Quatre tossing and turning every night. What made it worse was that he could only hold him and hope he would sleep better. It was like with Duo, all he could do was hope for the best. It felt like there wasn’t anything he could do to help.  
    This whole situation was a terrible mess. It made Trowa’s head ache to think of all of it. There was a childish part of him that wanted this to be resolved so they could go on with their lives but it wasn’t that simple. Even with Wes gone, it wasn’t like all of Duo’s problems were going to vanish. He knew that they had only touched the tip of the iceberg that was Duo’s issues. Quiet footsteps entering the room made Trowa turn his head, trying not to move despite his surprise so he wouldn’t wake his boyfriend. The last person he expected to be walking into the room was Chang Wufei.  
    “Did you just let yourself in?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.  
    Wufei was blushing deeply, no doubt embarrassed at his rude invasion.  
    “I rang the bell three times, but no one answered. I saw a light on upstairs, so I just tried the door…” Wufei tried to explain.  
He hadn’t heard the doorbell, Trowa mused, but he hadn’t dared to turn down the volume on the TV in fear that he would disturb Quatre, and he had been thinking too hard.  
    “Name’s gone,” Trowa told him.  
    He was sure that Wufei had been expecting that Mrs. Yuy would be opening the door and saw the shock in his dark eyes at the news that Name had left.  
    “She… she’s not here?” Wufei asked in surprise.   
    “She didn’t want to leave Duo alone during week days,” Trowa said, “But it couldn’t be helped. The leader of the Yuy Corporation was needed.”  
    “I’m sorry,” Wufei murmured, “I didn’t mean to just barge in, but I just… I…”  
    “Needed to speak to Duo,” Trowa finished easily.  
    Wufei stared at him with wide eyes.  
    “How did you-,” he asked cautiously.  
    Wufei flinched as Trowa laughed. He watched impatiently as Trowa untangled himself from Quatre, who didn’t stir. It gave the Chinese boy a good opportunity to study the golden haired boy. He was paler than usual, with dark circles under his closed eyes. He looked like hell. Wufei supposed that none of them were sleeping very well lately. Trowa stood and looked at him with his arms crossed over his chest.  
    “You know, it’s no wonder you and Heero fell for the same person,” Trowa remarked, “You’re both the same. You both think you’re so secretive, but you wear your emotions on your faces most of the time. You were acting strange around Duo this weekend. I assume you’ve finally found what you want to say to him and that’s why you’re here?” Trowa asked but Wufei could tell that it wasn’t really a question.   
    Wufei nodded.  
    “How did you get here?” the Italian asked.  
    “I took a bus,” Wufei said gruffly.  
    Trowa snorted. Wufei hated public transportation. He had to have been desperate to take a bus.   
    “Fine,” he sighed, “Duo’s in his room. Again.”  
    Wufei looked downcast as Trowa passed him and he followed the taller boy up the stairs. Still? That didn’t sound good. Sure enough, when they walked to Duo’s room, the boy with the braid was sitting on his bed, looking out the window. Trowa was used to finding him like that now, but it still gave him an odd sense of déjà vu.   
    “Duo, Wufei’s here to talk to you,” Trowa announced as they went in.   
    Duo turned and smiled at Wufei. Wufei noted that Duo’s eyes had dark circles under them, darker than Quatre’s and there was some expression in those violet eyes that made him feel cautious.  
    “Thanks, Trowa,” Duo said.  
    Trowa nodded and left them alone. Though Duo was now facing him, Wufei realized that his eyes kept darting to the window, as though he was afraid to leave it. He made things easier on him by sitting at his right side. Sammy yowled in annoyance at him, but darted to the desk chair to resume his nap. Shiva didn’t notice Wufei’s existence at all as she slept on Duo’s lap, though Toby gave the black haired boy a sharp look before looking back to the window, too.   
    “What did you want to talk to me about?” Duo asked in a soft voice.   
    His tone was different than usual, but at least he was speaking to people, Wufei thought. If it had been him, he would be hiding away in fear right now, but Duo had more guts than him anyway. He suddenly wondered if Duo would have succeeded in shooting Wes if he had been the one to find the gun and swallowed roughly. Maybe it wasn’t so much that Duo was braver as he was more mature. He hid away, like all of them did, but he also understood the price that certain actions cost him. It wasn’t that Duo wasn’t afraid, it was that he still relied on them more than he relied on running away. Maybe all those times that he had disappeared had finally knocked some sense into the chestnut haired boy. In his lap, Wufei’s finger fidgeted nervously. Or maybe he was right the first time around and he was just a coward and Duo was the brave one.   
    “I’ve… been meaning to talk to you about something since… since Friday,” Wufei struggled with his words.  
    He looked over at Duo and saw that he was listening to him intently. He wasn’t quite sure if those violet eyes gave him the courage to continue, or if they just made him more nervous.  
    “What is it?” Duo asked softly.  
    Through his deepening thoughts, and the black cloud that was forming his mood now a days, Duo caught how nervous Wufei was and gave him his full attention. It was so hard to do that lately. Too many thoughts… too many memories… too much fear… he would never tell anyone, but ever since he had been released from the hospital, he had felt it. They were coming back, all those bad things, and the fear that always went with those vivid memories of pain and hopelessness. He felt like he was drowning. He wanted to shut his brain off, but it wouldn’t shut up, showing him the worst things from his past over and over again, every time he shut his eyes. He felt like he was going insane. He couldn’t think anymore. But Wufei sounded so sad, so… mournful, and suddenly, he could see him, in the way that it was so hard to see lately.  
    “I’m so sorry!” Wufei suddenly blurted out.   
    Duo stared at him in confusion.  
    “Sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about,” he assured him.  
Just to be sure, Duo tried to remember everything Wufei had done in the past two weeks and couldn’t think of a single reason for him to be sorry.  
    “Back in the woods,” Wufei choked out, suddenly unable to look Duo in the eyes, “When I had the gun… I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill that bastard that raped you! I had it in my hands, and I let that opportunity slip me by! I should have been able to… but I chickened out. I couldn’t do it… I know you hate me for that. Hell, I hate me for that! If I had shot him, you wouldn’t be so scared right now. You would have justice, but I was too much of a coward…”  
    He finally dared a look at Duo and lost his breath when he saw that Duo’s soft expression had hardened into one of deadly seriousness.  
    “Duo…” he said cautiously.  
    Duo’s hands were curled into tight fists in his lap.  
    “I don’t want anyone to become a murderer for me,” he said sharply, his eyes, which had once been clouded over by something dark, were intense, “So don’t… don’t you dare say you’re sorry!”  
Wufei almost gasped when he saw the tears in Duo’s eyes and Duo’s back bowed, like he was carrying some terrible weight.  
    “Don’t apologize for that,” Duo whispered, “You did the right thing. If you’re going to kill someone to protect yourself, then do it. But…but don’t say that you should have done it for my sake. What happened to me happened a very, very long time ago. It still hurts, I won’t lie about that. It hurts me very much, but don’t say that shooting someone who hurt someone you love is the same thing as justice. It isn’t. Justice… it would be going back in time and making sure none of it happened, and that’s impossible. Killing Wes wouldn’t have made me feel any better. It would have made me feel worse because that meant I turned you into a killer. I don’t want that. You couldn’t kill him, and that’s wonderful. You couldn’t do it, not because you were a coward, but because you couldn’t take a life, even if you hated that person. I love that about you. Wes… I saw him kill… so many people, and I know he killed a lot more. Do you honestly think I want you to become him, a monster that feels nothing for killing another human being? I’ve seen so many people die… I’m sick of it. I’m sick of people being hurt and people hurting each other. Why would I ever hate you for being incapable of violence?”  
    Duo wiped furiously at his eyes. Wufei felt his own misting up in the face of Duo’s convictions and suddenly, for a minute, he was very glad that he hadn’t pulled that trigger, if only because Duo would have felt guilty if he had and he never wanted Duo to feel that way because of him. He squeezed Duo’s hand.  
    “Ok,” he murmured, “I won’t apologize for it. But I do apologize for something else.”  
    Duo lifted his head and looked at him again.  
    “I know I’ve said it, more than once, but I’m sorry for those cruel things I said to you when you were in the hospital that first time,” Wufei kept his hand around Duo’s.  
    That touch, as small as it was, made his chest feel warm, like it usually did when he was around Duo, and especially when he got to touch him, but it was different this time. For the first time, he touched him and had no urge to kiss the longhaired boy. There was a warmth, but it was different. Strong and tempered, like steel, instead of wild, like how he felt for Fai. This was… friendship, not lust, not want or desire. He felt a strong respect for Duo and he wanted to protect him. And he loved him. But it wasn’t what it was before. This was the love he felt for his mother and father, for Meiran, it was the love of a friend, for someone he respected and cared for. It made him feel relieved and humbled at the same time. Because his heart belonged to Fai, it always had, and his love for Duo had plagued him, like a thorn in his side. But now, all his childish desires and franticness had been cleared away and what had remained was a deep friendship that awed him.   
    “You told us something that was very painful for you,” he continued, his chest feeling light and strong at the same time, “You told us the truth, for the first time, and I threw it back in your face. I called you weak, but I was wrong. I didn’t understand what it truly felt like to be helpless. Fai was taken away from me and I couldn’t do anything about it, but I refused to feel helpless because of it. I guess, I always felt like I could still see him again and I did. But that moment… when I realized who Wes was and feeling his strength… and his insanity… for the first time in my life, I truly felt helpless.”  
    He gave Duo’s hand another little squeeze as Duo smiled at him again.  
    “I understood you, finally, when you said that you couldn’t do anything. I understand now. It had nothing to do with Wes having a weapon, with him being bigger than you, or even you being a child. I was so much older, but even when I held that gun in my hands, I felt overwhelmed with this sensation that I was this child, pointing a toy gun at a bear. I felt completely powerless,” Wufei murmured.  
    “It made you feel sick to your stomach, didn’t it?” Duo asked, “It made you feel like… like you were never going to be warm again. This penetrating coldness filled you and you felt like you couldn’t move, you couldn’t breathe… you understood that you were nothing, like a stuffed animal he could bat around for his own amusement.”  
    Wufei stared at him in shock. Duo understood… of course he understood. Duo had faced death every time he had woken up with Wes in the same building as him. He nodded shakily.  
    “Yes, I felt all that. I terrified me,” he took a deep breath, “I can’t even begin to imagine how scared you must have been, living with that asshole. It would have been worth it… killing him… even if it made me a killer, to protect you, to show him what it felt like to be powerless… it would have been worth it.”  
    Duo shook his head sadly.  
    “I don’t think Wes knows how to feel powerless,” he murmured, “Even when you were pointing that gun at him, he was smiling.”  
    Wufei shuddered in memory. That smile… that cold, heartless smile…  
    “I don’t think Wes even has the capacity for that sort of feeling. I think… I think, even as a child, Wes was always in control,” his voice got stronger, “And it wouldn’t be worth it. Killing never is. Wes always had some sort of logical reason for killing a person, but in the end… I only saw a dead body and it made me feel empty inside, like I could see their fate cut short or something. And I could never see the point. Maybe if Wes was dead, it would make things easier, but I would still feel that emptiness. I don’t think I’d ever feel justice for what he did. He still did it, nothing can ever change that. There is no such thing as true justice. I think the closest I’ll ever get…is moving on. If I can do that… that’s kind of like justice… isn’t it?” Duo’s smile was terribly wistful and sad, “I mean… I’ve done terrible things. I’ve stolen from kids that were just as sick and hungry as me, I’ve had sex with guys ten times my age in horrible, disgusting ways, I’ve been filled with hatred, I’ve lied, cursed, I’ve sold drugs for Wes, I even lost hope in my own existence and tried to kill myself more than once… sometimes, I wonder if one day, I’ll look at myself in the mirror and I’ll see Wes there… but the one thing I could cling on to was that I would never kill someone, I would never take that last step in being _him_. After everything I’ve done, I don’t know if I can ever be proud of myself, but I’ve never taken a life. And I’m glad for that. If I did… if I took that last step, the one thing that separates me from him… if I took that step, even because of revenge, I would cease to be human.”  
    Wufei suddenly swept him up in a hug that had Duo stiffening for a second, but he quickly relaxed. Duo hugged him back, almost desperately and Wufei wondered if he was starved for this kind of contact after all this time.   
    “Duo, you will never cease to be human,” the Chinese boy said, “Even if you kill him, I’ll never think of you as less than human. I’ll always be proud of you,” he let go of the other teenager and looked him in the eye, “But thank you.”  
    “ ‘Thank you’?” Duo echoed.  
    “Yes,” Wufei said with a smile, “I’ve been feeling guilty about that, but you make more sense than my own stupid feelings.”  
    Duo smirked.  
    “That’s the first time anyone’s ever said I made sense,” he quipped, “And it’s like I said, there’s no reason for you to feel guilty.”  
    Wufei dared to ruffle Duo’s hair, feeling better than he had since he held that stupid gun.  
    “Is there anything I can do to help you?” he asked worriedly, still dancing around the subject of Duo’s strange behavior.   
    To his disappointment, Duo shook his head.  
    “I’ll figure it out,” Duo murmured, “I don’t think there’s anything you guys can do.”  
    “You can lean on us, you know that, don’t you?” Wufei insisted.  
    Duo’s smile became a little bit brighter.  
    “Thank you,” he said softly.  
*****  
    Duo waited for Wufei to leave his room before he pulled his knees up to his chest and looked back out the window, his violet eyes tracking every movement on the street, every person walking a dog, every car, every little kid on a tricycle or bicycle intensely.   
     _The smell of gunpowder that filled the air was the only way to tell that a gun had gone off. Duo watched from his bedroom doorway was Chris cleaned Wes’ gun for him as the blonde dragged the girl’s now lifeless body to the kitchen table. Duo’s eyes followed him as he pulled a knife from the right drawer and started to do something nasty to the twelve year old girl’s fingertips. Her wide, unseeing eyes seemed to burn into Duo’s vision. Chris finally noticed that they were being watched and with a cruel grin, pointed the gun in Duo’s direction. Duo saw the muzzle aim right for his head and his heart started to race, his entire body frozen._  
 _“See that?” Chris looked over at the dead girl._  
 _Duo knew the girl. They had spoken a couple of times, but they hadn’t been very close. Still, he couldn’t believe that the corpse Wes was working on was the little redhead that had been dragged into the apartment minutes later, weeping and screaming that she didn’t want to sell their strange packages to her classmates anymore._  
 _“Disobey us and we’ll do the same to you.”_  
　  
    Duo’s hands clutched at his head as it started to pound.  
    ‘Please stop, I don’t want to remember… please stop…’ he begged, tears tracking down his cheeks as him mind started to burn.  
　  
   _The heavy metal chain that was wrapped tightly around his neck pulled him viciously forward, cutting his skin and making blood track down his pale skin. He bit back a whimper. Don’t make a noise, don’t make a noise… the soft cloth of the pleated skirt he wore caressed his legs, but it was far from comforting. A large hand gripped his ass through the skirt and gave the chain another sharp tug, finally wringing a sound of pain from him. The skirt was lifted and that large hand pulled down the feminine underwear he wore…_  
　  
    ‘Stop!’ his thoughts screamed and he slammed his fists against his legs.  
    ‘Just stop…’ his memories assaulted him regardless and he felt like he was drowning again.  
    “Go away,” he whispered to the empty room.   
    Lonely… he felt so lonely… he could feel it, his memories, his future… his past… it was looking for him. It was finding him…   
Duo curled up in a miserable ball on his bed, Toby and Shiva mewing at him in worry. He bit down on his pillow so he couldn’t scream as his memories took him away from his comfortable bed to someplace darker… someplace with chains and hands…  
  _The darkness… so dark… can’t move… can’t breathe… it hurts… please don’t touch me… Heero… where… I want the light… I want… Heero… too dark… too dark…_  
*****  
    “Is he still just sitting there?” Quatre asked in a low voice filled with concern as he and Trowa stood outside of Duo’s door.  
Trowa nodded, looking through the partially open door. It was Wednesday, five days since they had brought Duo home, and it seemed like nothing had changed. He was still looking out that goddamn window and both Trowa and Quatre were finally ready to do something about it. Duo’s alone time was officially over. Trowa knew that Heero and Name felt the same way, but none of them knew how to approach him. According to Wufei, Duo didn’t want their help, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t need it. It was strange, on his own, Duo was silent and dazed, but when they tried to talk to him, he didn’t seem all that different. It was like he was suffering all alone and Trowa hated that thought. They needed him to talk about what he was going through, otherwise, Trowa didn’t see how this was going to stop.   
    “What do we do?” Quatre whispered, for once not knowing what he should do.  
    With Duo’s skittishness, it felt like it was hard to approach him. Should they really just walk in and force him to tell them why he was holing up in his room day after day, what he was thinking about, or should they go about it more gently? If they did it wrong, would Duo just clam up like he usually did, or was he so desperate to make his fear go away that he would talk the second they said they were willing to listen? They had all been expecting some kind of reaction from Duo because of what Wes had done, but this seemed so wrong to Quatre. He wasn’t really distancing himself from them, because he did acknowledge them and talk to them, but he wasn’t himself, either. It was like he was dreaming while he was wide awake. It was… scary, seeing him like that.   
    “We’re his friends,” Trowa said simply, “Who says we need a plan?”  
    “Trowa-,” Quatre started to protest, but Trowa strode into the room.   
    Quatre, despite his worries, couldn’t help but smile over his lover’s confidence. He remembered when they had first met, even back then Trowa had been much taller than him, and how he had thought that Trowa’s silence meant that he was shy and didn’t like meeting new people. Though, now that Quatre knew about Trowa’s uncle, maybe he had been very shy. Remembering what Trowa had told him, Quatre felt a rare burst of rage. The world was filled with such ugliness… he had thought he had understood that when his father had informed him of his feelings towards his sexuality and finding out how his mother had died, but now it seemed like that ugliness was everywhere.   
    Both Trowa and Duo had been raped as children, sometimes he could hardly stand to think of that fact. Even though Trowa’s uncle was in jail, it didn’t make Quatre feel any better at all. He didn’t think that it made Trowa feel good, either. Quatre was a pacifist at heart. This didn’t mean that he was above fighting when he needed to, actually, it was the contrary. Quatre believed that fighting for what you believed in was necessary to live a good life, something that his father didn’t seem to understand. His father certainly didn’t understand why Quatre had become so upset after he had told him to just ‘hide’ his sexuality, for the benefit of the family. But Quatre still didn’t like violence, even if he could understand its necessity in certain situations. He especially didn’t like violence to no end, just for revenge, or to make yourself feel better.  
    Yet, it didn’t come to any surprise for him that he wanted so badly to find Trowa’s uncle and rip him to shreds. He had the same intense feelings for Wes. He didn’t even believe in things like the death penalty, but if he had been the one holding that gun like Wufei had, he wondered if he would have even hesitated in blowing the man’s brains out of his skull. Hell, Trowa’s uncle was in jail and it wasn’t enough, Quatre didn’t think it would ever be enough for that level of evil. He could understand if Trowa’s childhood shyness had been because of that terrible experience, and he wasn’t sure if it had really gone away. Trowa still didn’t have many friends, but was incredibly loyal to the ones he had. He was quiet, but when something needed to be said, he never hesitated. There were so many similarities to Duo and Trowa’s personality and it made Quatre wonder if it was because of their similar experience.   
    But even though Trowa was quiet, he also had a strong character and a confidence that Quatre found very rare. Trowa knew what was important and necessary, eroding away uselessness and triviality. And above all, Trowa was kind. While Quatre was trying to figure out what to say to Duo, what would be appropriate, Trowa was completely sure of himself. It was like he said, they were his friends, and they shouldn’t need a plan just to speak to him. It was because of those qualities that Quatre had fallen for him so hard. It reminded him that, even though there was such evil and ugliness in the world, there were still people like Trowa, Wufei, Heero, and Duo, people with good hearts. That was right. Duo was their friend, and he was just as kind as Trowa, it didn’t matter how they approached him, just as long as he remembered how much the American needed help. Quatre followed Trowa into the room and Duo broke his stare from the window to greet them.  
    “Duo, can we talk to you?” Quatre asked cautiously.  
    “Of course you can,” Duo responded, “You don’t need to ask.”  
    Quatre brightened at his response. Sometimes he forgot that Duo was like this. The violet eyed boy had this strange way to be incredibly simple and complex at the same time. It was like Trowa said, they were Duo’s friends, so Duo didn’t care if they wanted to talk to him, even if it was a sensitive subject. Quatre was so used to dealing with people like his father, who were obsessed with things like mannerisms and protocol, but Duo didn’t care about all that. If Duo didn’t want to talk about something, he would tell them, and he did, then he would talk. It was that simple. They didn’t need to dance around anything. Feeling more relaxed, Quatre sat on the edge of the bed next to Duo, while Trowa opted to stand on that side of the bed.   
    “I’m sorry,” Quatre said to him, “We should have talked to you days ago…”  
    Duo shrugged.  
    “It’s fine,” he said and Trowa frowned at how distant he sounded.  
    Their friend was hiding something, that was obvious to him. Maybe it wasn’t even intentional, but there was something going on that Duo wasn’t talking about. It was almost like he was avoiding thinking of it himself, like he was fighting and losing. His attention was obviously torn between something and then, very different to how Duo usually was. Usually, his attention was wholly on them, but though he was talking to them easily, his mind was elsewhere. In his lap, Shiva cracked one, irritated, yellow eye at them, but closed it again when Duo scratched her ears. Trowa didn’t see Sammy or Toby anywhere, but they were probably lurking under the bed.   
    “Duo… I was just wondering… and I figured you would know Wes’s intentions better than anyone… why did he just leave? He had his gun back, it would have been easy for him to kill all of us, but he just… left. Why would he do something like that?” Quatre asked.  
    It had been the one thing that his curious mind had been rolling over since Friday. Why would someone as ruthless as Wes leave with little damage done to any of them? Heck, Duo had been the only one Wes had been set not to kill, but the only one he had shot. Wes might be insane, but even some insane people had the ability to have reasons behind their behavior, even if those reasons were also crazy. Duo’s expression suddenly changed and Trowa realized that they finally had his full attention. It was Wes, he thought, that had been causing Duo’s attention to be split, and now that Quatre had brought it up, Duo no longer had to keep half a mind on them and half a mind on the man that was haunting him. It wasn’t much of a revelation, they had all expected Wes to be the reason why Duo was acting so weird.   
    “He wanted to kill all of you because you were in the way, and because he knows that I care for you,” Duo explained in a soft, depressed tone, “Because… I chose you over him,” he had an almost shocked expression, like Duo had never considered that before, “So, he hates you.”  
    “Then why are we still alive?” Trowa asked, “You’ve told us what Wes has done to you when you pissed him off. Why are we still standing if he hates us so much?”  
    “Because you weren’t just in the way anymore,” Duo told him, “This is what he does. If one of his whores or drug runners disobeyed him, he’d shoot them as soon as he saw them in cold blood. That was because it was business, just business, and it was never personal. But… if you pissed him off, he wouldn’t just settle for killing you.”  
    Quatre shuddered at that. The way Duo was putting it… no, the way Wes thought of it, death wasn’t a big deal. ‘Just business’. So what did it take to get on Wes’ bad side? Just because they were friends with Duo, because Duo had chosen a life with them instead of going back to Wes, they had pissed Wes off. In other words, Wes was acting like a spoiled child that suddenly found that he had to share his toy with another kid. That analogy only made Quatre feel even worse.  
    “He wants to torture you,” Duo murmured, “He wants to see you fail, so he can rub it in your face. He wants to show you how powerless you are, how hopeless everything is. That’s what he does to the people he has a personal connection with. It isn’t enough to kill them, he loves to see people at their weakest, to know that he’s making them suffer. That’s the kind of man Wes is.”  
    “That’s what he did to you,” Trowa said, his voice tight with anger, “He didn’t just train you. He tortured you, he did unnecessary, hurtful things just to watch you in pain. When you say that he does those things to the people close to him, you don’t just mean the people that succeed in pissing him off, you mean anyone that he doesn’t see as a part of ‘business’.”   
    Duo nodded, his eyes clouded over again, this time with memory and pain.  
    “I never figured out why I was the only one who got to live with him,” Duo mused, his voice still heavy and sad, “I knew he had dozens of other prostitutes. Some of them came by the apartment, but they never stayed. And he was always so cold to them, not cruel, but there was no heat in the way he talked to them or about them. The way he talked to me, the way he treated me, even if it was cruel and sadistic, he never treated anyone else that way. I never thought of it, but he liked me even then.”  
    “You call that like?!” Quatre demanded angrily.   
    Duo smiled, but it was filled with bitterness and lacked any mirth.  
    “No, but Wes calls it that,” he mused, “Maybe I thought that once, but I know better now,” he gave Trowa a brighter look, “I can’t possibly call it ‘like’ anymore. But… in his own way, to Wes it was. It _is_. And through that… through everything he did to me, I gave up. That’s what he wants. He wants all of you to give up.”  
    “That will never happen!” Quatre nearly yelled with conviction, grabbing Duo’s hand and squeezing it.  
    Trowa caught Duo’s eyes flickering over to the window, but once Quatre had shouted and grabbed him, the blonde had gained Duo’s attention again. The glance was so quick, Trowa wondered if it had just been his imagination.   
    “We’re never going to give up!” Quatre promised, “No matter what happens, we’ll never stop protecting you!”  
    “It will happen,” Duo’s eyes were suddenly hard, “It will happen. When Wes first kidnapped me, I thought I could get past it, I thought I could handle it, but I was just lying to myself. I gave in. Everyone bows under him, it’s just… natural. You can’t fight him. I was helpless… I’m still helpless… no matter how hard I tried to fight him, he won. He’s still winning. How can I fight against him now? Nothing’s changed, not really. I don’t have anything else to fight him with.”  
    With a small noise of pain, Quatre pulled Duo into his arms.  
    “Don’t say that,” he begged, “Please don’t ever say that. We _will never_ give up against him! We won’t give up because we have the one motive you never did, someone we love is in danger. Not each other, but _you_. I’ll die before I let that bastard lay his hands on you again! It’s the same for you, isn’t it? You say you’ve given up, but when Wufei was in danger, when someone you loved was being threatened, you _fought_. You aren’t helpless. You aren’t ever helpless! You never gave up. You’re with us, aren’t you? If you had given up, you never would have moved in to this house!”  
    Duo pulled himself out of Quatre’s embrace and Trowa caught him glancing over at the window again. The longhaired boy shook his head.  
    “But I’m so tired of it,” Duo whispered, making both of their hearts’ ache, “I’m tired of fighting him. I’m tired of being scared of him. I feel like I’ve been fighting him my entire life. Sometimes… I just want to give up. If I didn’t have you guys…”  
    Trowa caught Duo looking at the window for a third time and finally spoke up about it.   
    “Why do you keep doing that?” he asked.  
    Duo stared at him in surprise and Trowa wondered if he even realized he was doing it. The violet eyed boy looked fully out the window, those eyes getting that glazed look again.  
    “I’m waiting,” he murmured, like that explained everything.  
    “Waiting for what?” Quatre asked worriedly.  
    “For Wes to come for me,” Duo replied, once again speaking in a banal tone, like he was telling a small child why the grass was green or why the goldfish had to be flushed down the toilet, like he was describing the most natural, obvious thing in the world.  
    Both Trowa and Quatre suppressed a shiver at his words and tone. They couldn’t decide what Duo looked like more when he was staring out of that window, a little boy waiting for his daddy to come home, or a cat waiting for the vet to come by his cage door so he could finally be put to sleep. The fact that Duo had spent all this time staring out this window, just so he could see if Wes was coming down the street was more than just a little bit creepy. Trowa knelt down in front of Duo, once again gaining the American’s attention. He took Duo’s slender hands in his larger ones.  
    “What’s the point in watching that street every second? Everyone’s worried about you and constantly looking out this window isn’t going to help anything. You’re just driving yourself insane by reminding yourself, over and over that he’s out there,” Trowa pointed out.   
    For the first time, Trowa took a good, long look at his friend and saw little things that he hadn’t noticed before, things that should have been obvious to them. He was paler than usual and he looked tired. He had heavy circles under his eyes, but it was more than that. He just had a look of someone who wanted badly to fall into a deep sleep, but couldn’t. Duo wasn’t sleeping. Maybe it was because of the nightmares, or just his intense fear, but it was clear to Trowa that the younger boy wasn’t getting the rest that he needed. For what seemed like the millionth time that week alone, he cursed Wes to hell for what he was doing to Duo. Now that he thought about it, even Duo’s voice sounded tired, like he was struggling just to speak, to find the right words.   
    “He’s coming for me,” Duo said, “I know that, more than I know anything else. Sooner or later, he’ll come for me and there’s no way I can stop him. But… maybe… if I see him coming, I can finally get one up on him. If I prepare myself, maybe I won’t be so helpless anymore…”  
    “Duo,” Trowa said in a firm, yet not unkind voice, “When have you ever been prepared for him?”   
    Quatre stared at his lover with wide eyes. How could he possibly say something so cruel? How could he just poke at one of Duo’s fears so easily? To his surprise, Duo didn’t look offended at all by the question. The chestnut haired boy was shocked by it, but it seemed to be directed at the truth of what Trowa was saying more than any kind of insult.  
    “No matter how much warning you have, he’s going to take you by surprise,” Trowa told Duo with a kind voice, “Not because he’s that crafty, but because no matter what, he affects you the same way. Just by being around you, you become completely unprepared. No matter how long you sit here by this window, it’s not going to help you feel any safer. Duo… this is exactly what Wes wants from you. You just told us that he loves this, to torture people, and that’s true. He wants you scared, he wants you so paranoid that you can’t even sleep or feel safe in your own home. He wants you to be strung out, jumping at shadows and ghosts because that sort of sick thing amuses him. Is that what you want? To become another toy, another game to him? You ran away to get away from his nasty games, didn’t you? So why are you letting him terrorize you like this?”  
    Duo’s fingers tightened around Trowa’s hand, though Trowa didn’t think that the other boy even realized his reaction. Trowa’s emerald eyes widened as he saw the tears in his friend’s eyes and wondered if he had pushed him too hard.   
    “But I’m scared… all the time now,” Duo whispered, his voice thick with emotion, “All I can feel is that fear. Hate, sadness, regret, happiness… I can’t feel anything but… terror. I know he’s out there, that he’s probably watching my every move, and he’s going to try to kidnap me again, but I’ll never know when. How can I ever feel safe again? And the thing is… what I’m feeling now… it’s _exactly_ how I felt when I was living with him! This fear… I’ve felt it before. It’s so strong, it hurts to breathe. Back then… back then, Wes was _God_. He decided if I ate, where I slept, who I fucked… he was everything, in the very air I breathed. He had complete control over me… Every day, I would wake up and wonder what horrible thing he would do to me next. ‘Will he shoot me? Will he strangle me until my neck snaps, or will he just fuck me until I bleed to death? Maybe he’ll shoot me up with something that will make me scream, or dress me up in something humiliating, or make me have sex with some old guy that will do something to take away one more scrap of humanity from me, if I even have any left.’ I thought that _every single day_. Over and over… I’d wake up, in a strange bed, in my bed, on the floor, in the tub, and I’d feel my heart beating so fast, I thought I was going insane. Some days, I wanted to scream, just because I was still alive. And I felt completely helpless in that fear. So what if Wes, if my very existence scared the crap out of me? So what? It wasn’t like anyone cared! So why should I care? Every day that I was with him, every time I was scared and lonely and desperate, I gave up a little bit more. Just one more dream, just one more piece of my soul to him. Until there was nothing. I was empty inside, completely empty, except for that fear and knowing how much I hated myself.”  
    Quatre put a hand over his mouth, listening to Duo describe his past, a past they hadn’t been a part of, and felt his tears pouring over his cheeks and onto his hand. The hate he felt for Wes grew and grew with every word that Duo spoke. Trowa had to concentrate very hard on not squeezing his hands into tight fists in his rage, lest he end up hurting his younger friend.  
    “And I feel that way now,” Duo struggled through his words, “Once again… he’s taken everything away from me. I don’t feel safe anymore. Just by seeing him again… it’s like I’m falling backwards in time. I _remember_ … the most terrible things, things I’ve tried to throw away. He’s stealing those dreams away again and this time, I don’t want to let them go. But I feel empty… empty and tired,” Duo rubbed at his eyes, “I don’t understand it. It’s the same as back then… exactly the same. I lived through that, I survived it, so why… why does it hurt so much more now? Why do I feel so awful?”  
    Trowa pulled him into his arms, off the bed and into his lap, the both of them so distraught, they hadn’t even realized that Shiva had vacated for a safer spot under the bed with the other cats minutes ago, and wrapped his arms around Duo’s slender body, feeling it shake slightly.  
    “It hurts so much now because you’ve lived a better life,” Trowa murmured against Duo’s silken hair, “You’ve found people who love you and have given you a life that doesn’t have to be filled with those dark feelings. A life without fear… and now, you know that you shouldn’t have to feel that fear anymore. You didn’t know what a life without fear felt like before now. Even before you met Wes, you were afraid, weren’t you? You were never really safe, living on the streets, fighting each day for your life. You don’t have to do that anymore,” he tilted Duo’s chin up, forcing him to look him in the eye, “Even though Wes is back in your life, don’t go back to that dark place, Duo. We’re here for you and we will _always_ protect you. Know that. Know that, no matter what sick thing he does to you, you have people who love you, and our love is real. It isn’t entangled with cruel games and sick tortures. We love you and we will do anything for you. We’ll fight for you. You aren’t alone anymore, you don’t have to be afraid. You don’t have to sit here, looking out this window any minute all by yourself. We’ll watch your back, so you don’t have to anymore. You’re safe now. You’re with your family.”  
    With those softly spoken words, filled with truth and an audible affection, something inside of Duo cracked. The tears that he had been stubbornly holding back broke forth and he sobbed violently in grief and hope that he had been repressing for a very long time. He curled up against Trowa, pressing his face into his chest to hide his torment, but Trowa could feel it in his shirt, wet from tears, the sounds of his sobs, and the shaking of his body, which suddenly felt so frail and vulnerable to Trowa. He held him tightly, trying to use his larger body to show his friend that he was capable of protecting him. He realized that they had all taken for granted Duo’s belief in their strength and resolve in their love. They had assumed that he knew their conviction to protect him, to care for him, even in the face of Wes’ ugliness. They had been so sure that he knew all that… no one had ever thought to actually say it out loud… even if Duo believed it, to hear such promises had broken through the barrier of fear that had clouded his heart.   
    Trowa had no idea what to do, how to stop Wes, or even how to predict what the man would do next. He felt just as helpless as Duo probably felt. He certainly didn’t know how to heal the cracks in Duo’s heart. But maybe this was enough. Maybe, just holding him as he cried and making those promises was enough. For now, anyway.   
　  
End Part 25


	46. Surgery Part 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero finally talks to Duo about their kidnapping, but is it too late to mend their broken friendship?

The Road to Kindness   
Chapter 7  
Part 26  
　  
　  
　  
    Trowa’s suspicions that Duo hadn’t been sleeping were confirmed when he dozed off in his lap. It should have made him feel better, just knowing that Duo was finally going to get some sleep, but it worried him. It was obvious to anyone that the longhaired boy was more stressed than any human being should be, especially for him to just lose it like that. Duo claimed that he didn’t have a whole lot of pride, but he still got highly embarrassed if he anyone saw him cry. Trowa thought that it had less to do with pride and more with Duo being so used to getting struck for showing that much emotion. Wes might like seeing Duo have that kind of pained reaction, but he had obviously punished Duo for it as well. It was no wonder why Duo was confused most of the time.     

      He had no standard for normalcy. Even the normalcy of a life with Wes had very few defined rules that Wes hadn’t twisted and broke just to watch Duo suffer. The only one that Trowa could see was ‘obey’. All of this; Wes coming back, Duo dealing with repressed emotions and memories, and his strained relationship with Heero was putting such a huge pressure on him until he had snapped at the first sign of a kind hand. Duo might be getting sleep, but that he had collapsed like this just showed Trowa what a mess he was. He shared a deeply worried look with Quatre, who helped him by pulling Duo’s covers up so they could put him to bed. Shiva seemed to sense that things were finally settling down and leapt up onto the bed, curling against Duo’s limp arm as he rolled over on his side. Quatre, whose worried and caring personality made him a natural nursemaid, checked to make sure Duo wasn’t putting too much pressure on his shoulder, which was still slowly healing.  
    Trowa quietly closed the door behind them as they left the bedroom, hoping that they could convince Name on a late dinner so Duo could rest a little, and turned abruptly when he heard Quatre squeak in shock. Standing to the side of the door was Name, her arms folded over her chest and her eyes closed as though she were deep in thought, her sudden appearance being what had spooked the short blonde.   
    “How long have you been standing here?” Trowa asked, hiding his amusements at his boyfriend’s surprise.   
    Name opened her eyes to look at him and even in the dim lighting of the hallway, Trowa could see that they were red. The tissue in her hand was suspiciously wet also, giving him the answer.  
    “Since the two of you went in there,” she said in a soft voice, her coal eyes glancing at the door.  
    “Then you heard everything,” Quatre summed up.  
    Name nodded, her expression distant and Trowa knew that she was going over Duo had just confessed to them. It was no wonder those black eyes suddenly had a red tinge to them. The head of the Yuy family prided herself on being calm and logical, but Trowa and Quatre had visited them for Heero’s father’s funeral and they knew that wasn’t exactly the truth. When it came to the people she loved, Name showed a rare level of emotional vulnerability. Trowa used to think that she stored all that up from being so cold and exacting in her business life that when something bad happened in her personal life, it all came pouring out. But even when she was caught after having been crying over Duo’s words, Trowa could see a plan trying to form in those black eyes, he could see the woman trying to pull together something logical to attack this problem.   
    “It isn’t enough just to protect him,” Trowa told her, “I know that’s important to you, but we have to be realistic. Yes, Wes is a threat, but Duo’s bigger problems are in his head, not in the world around him. You heard him. He’s terrified and worried that he’s going to spiral back into the person he used to be. He’s being overwhelmed by panic and his own memories. He’s not sleeping and while Wes brought it all on, physically, he’s just a fraction of the problem.”  
    “I understand that,” Name said, “Ever since Boston, things have been wrong. Duo’s been retreating into himself again, little by little. He’s been hiding things. They haven’t seemed to have affected him in a huge way, but I know he’s hiding. Anyone can see that he’s scared and that that fear is taking a toll on him.”  
    “He won’t open up to anyone, so what can we do about it?”     Heero’s voice made Quatre almost jump again.  
    He and Trowa looked around Name and saw their friend standing in the hallway. The upset, angry look on his face made Trowa assume that he had heard some of Duo’s confession as well, if not all of it.   
    “He needs to let go of this, but how can anyone make him do that? We can’t ask it of him, it’s not that simple. If he’d just talk… then maybe we could help him, but he’s too used to keeping it all locked away,” Heero mused, “And it’s going to keep eating away at him until it breaks him. No one can be that scared for a long amount of time.”  
    If the mood hadn’t been so dark, Quatre would have smirked at the irony in Heero saying that Duo bottled everything up. He knew another teenager, standing right in front of them, that did the same thing.   
    “He’ll talk to you,” Name looked at her son sharply.  
    “He… he doesn’t want to talk to me, Trowa should be the one to do it,” Heero murmured, shocked at his mother’s confidence in him.  
    It took a lot of effort to hand that responsibility over to Trowa. His love for Duo made him want to be the one to help him, but he was scared. This was too important, too big. He was terrified of screwing things up and making it worse for his best friend. But now everyone was looking at him like he was the answer.  
    “Heero,” Name said with a sigh, “You’ve seen him. I know you have, you’ve been checking up on him as much as I have. I know you’ve seen him, looking out that window. Given everything you just heard… can you really let him keep doing that? Keep looking and watching and waiting in fear over something he can’t control?”  
    Heero flinched with the accusation. His mother’s eyes went from his to back to Duo’s bedroom door.  
    “He needs to get out of here,” she murmured, “Just for a little while. Staying locked up in this house is killing him. He’s letting his fear of Wes turn him into a recluse. Staying here keeps reminding him of that fear, and that makes it grow. He’s going to waste away to nothing at this rate. He’s making himself crazy. He needs to get out and realize that just because Wes is out there, it doesn’t mean he has to lock himself away forever.”  
    Heero’s hands curled into fists. He knew his mother was right, he didn’t have to talk to Duo to realize that, but would just getting Duo out of the house be enough? He didn’t want to admit it, but he was scared, too. Ever since Boston, Duo had been changing. He was getting farther and farther from him. In the past, that had been fine because that was what Heero had wanted, or at least, a part of him had, though in the dark recesses of his heart where he loved Duo more than anything, it had hurt deeply. But this was beyond his fear of losing Duo, of losing one more person that he loved, now there was so much more at stake. Remembering the hateful smirk on Wes’ face when he had shot Duo and had boldly told Heero that there was nothing he could do to protect Duo, his clenched his hands tighter.   
    Duo was so lonely now, and Heero supposed that that was his fault as well as Wes’. He wasn’t entirely sure of Duo’s reasons for distancing himself from him, he wasn’t so sure that it was because of anger or bitterness anymore, but his mother was right. If they didn’t do something, Duo was going to let the darkness eat him from the inside until Duo would just be who he had been when he had been living with Wes and Heero didn’t want to see that happen. Duo had struggled and fought so hard to find some strength, some spark of pride for himself and Heero refused to let Wes take that away from him. By keeping up this charade of staying away from Duo, he was just robbing him of a pillar of support. His fear of getting too close to Duo didn’t matter anymore, not when his best friend needed him so badly.  
    “Can you call Mr. Khushrenada and tell him that I won’t be in school tomorrow?” Heero asked his mother, though he was looking at Duo’s door instead of her.  
    Her sharp eyes focused on him and she gave a tiny smile.  
    “I’m sure that can be arranged,” she told him, “I’ll be sure to leave him a message after dinner.”  
    Quatre and Trowa shared a hopeful look, Trowa gripping his lover’s hand in his. With any hope, Heero would be able to bring Duo out of the dark hole he had found himself in. With any hope… he might be able to right two wrongs, not just one. On his other hand, Quatre’s fingers crossed in a gesture he hadn’t used since his childhood.   
*****  
   _It was cold. Of course, it had snowed all day yesterday, so it would be silly for so much snow to be on the ground if it were warm, and Duo knew that if had real shoes or better clothing, it wouldn’t be that chilly. Maybe he would look for old blankets and discarded shoes later. Right now, all he cared about was getting something into his hollow, shrunken stomach. For some reason, the cold always made him feel hungry. When it was hot, he usually felt too sick to feel his hunger, which was nice, but he knew he was still hungry. It was only because he was hungry that he was in this alley. Everyone knew that bad things happened to kids that went into the dead end alley by themselves, but he hadn’t hit the dumpster down here, yet and it might just have something good._  
 _The cold was good for dumpster diving and bad at the same time. Meat stayed less rotten for longer, but people kept their trash inside because everything was cold and frozen, and just waited for the trash people to come for it, so they didn’t have to go outside so much. And the trash people came more often in case the weather got worse and everything got frozen to the trash cans. It was hard to find any kind of food, even the rotten stuff. It had been two days since he had eaten anything and he was a bit desperate. Even though the snow meant he wouldn’t find much and it made his bare feet feel numb, but he wouldn’t go thirsty. Most of the time, he only drank if it rain, since there weren’t any lakes or ponds nearby, but if he got thirsty, he just had to eat a handful of snow._  
 _The good thing about having numb feet was that, when Duo climbed into the dumpster, when he cut up his feet on the hard metal, he didn’t even feel it. Immediately, he found a hamburger wrapper that was covered in old grease and a tiny bit of cheese. In ravenous, insane hunger, he swiped his tongue against the wrapper, tasting the grease, but the taste did nothing to relieve his hunger, it only made his stomach feel even emptier. Under a rotting banana peel, he found two stale French fries that were covered in dirt and grime from the dirt dumpster and spoiled milk._  
 _He quickly shoved them into his mouth, moving on to a rusty can of tomato sauce that still had some sauce clinging to its side. As he picked it up, an angry rat crawled out of it and hissed at him. Duo hissed right back at the rat and kept on eye on it. If he didn’t find anything better at the bottom of the dumpster, the rodent would be his next meal. He scraped old tomato sauce out of the rusty can, slicing his fingers badly on the jagged lid and sucked the sauce off his fingers, tasting his blood as well._  
 _A loud wailing that was coming closer and closer to his alley made Duo drop the can in surprise at the sound. The can fell back on top of the rat and Duo’s fear stricken mind made a small note to check back on the rodent later. If the disturbance went away, at least he could have meat today. The terribly thin six year old dove into the broken boxes that littered the back end of the alley. Broken wood dug into his skin, leaving splinters, but his wide violet eyes were completely focused on the mouth of the alley. Out of the darkness, two men lumbered into the narrow alley, a young boy’s arms gripped in their large hands. They were dragging him along, even as the boy thrashed and screamed bloody murder in their grip. The nasty smiles on their faces told Duo everything he needed to know about their purpose with the boy. His heart slammed in his chest. What if they saw him? What if they decided to do… **that** to him as well?_  
 _As they got closer to him, Duo realized that he recognized the boy they were dragging along like a rag doll. The child was too delicate looking to be a child of the streets like Duo was, at least, he was too delicate looking to last on the streets for long. Duo had never seen someone look so completely Asian before. The boy’s features, his jet black, long hair, his narrowed dark brown eyes, were purely Japanese, with not a trace of another ethnicity, which was rare in Duo’s world. Everyone was a mutt, some had such mixed heritages, it was nearly impossible to pick out anything from them, but this boy was different. You would have to be blind to have met someone like that, then see them later and not recognize them._  
 _‘Yuki’, his thoughts supplied him with the name._  
 _Those dark brown eyes were filled with fear as the men dragged him further down the alley. His clothes were even more badly tattered than Duo’s and there was a trail of blood dripping down the right side of Yuki’s face. That red trail was startling on his white skin. Duo had to clap his hands over his mouth to keep from gasping in his realization of who the boy was. Conflicting emotions battled inside of him. He should find a better hiding spot, somewhere where he could stay quiet and unnoticed until he could make his escape. These guys meant business. Any man that would rape a kid would just as easily kill them, Duo had learned that a long time ago. But there was still that weird, illogical part of him that he couldn’t quite kill that was screaming at him to do something to save his friend._  
 _The man on the left let go of Yuki’s arm while the other grabbed that long, gorgeous black hair and slammed him viciously into the cement wall. There was a little window leading into a basement low to the ground and it shattered when Yuki hit it, raining shard of glass on his slender body which sliced up his back. Yuki fell to his knees on the ground and Duo felt bile rise in his throat as the man who had a grip on his hair shoved him onto the ground until he was lying on his stomach. The man took out of knife, which looked unbearably sharp to the hiding boy, and started to cut away the Japanese boy’s pants. Yuki started to cry, fat tears sliding down his cheeks, but too dazed and in too much pain to fight anymore. The other man started to laugh. It was that laugh that made rage finally overcome the fear he was feeling, but that fear was still there, and all he could do was crouch there amongst the trash and watch what the monsters were doing to his only friend._  
 _Duo bit down hard on his tongue to keep from screaming as the man with the knife unbuckled his pants and roughly shoved into the child he was holding captive. Yuki started to scream again, this time in terrible pain. Even from where he was hiding, Duo could see the bright red blood that stained the man’s cock. The rapist’s friend was still laughing, but was starting to unbuckle his pants as well. Though Yuki was screaming so loudly, no one came to his aid, though Duo knew there were people around to hear it. He knew that no one would come. Duo felt blood fill his mouth from biting his tongue, but didn’t let up on it. For a very long while, those were the only sensations he had, hearing Yuki’s screams, the taste of blood, and the dual feelings of wanting to protect the other boy and feeling the pounding of his terrified heart._  
 _Suddenly, Yuki’s doe eyes met his through a crack in the crate Duo was hiding behind. Violet met brown and Duo started to panic._  
 _‘He’s going to scream for help, he’s going to beg me to save him and they’ll find me. They’ll find me and they’ll hurt me, too,’ his thoughts whirled in his head in a furious panic._  
 _He was just about to leap to his feet and see if he could run past the three of them before Yuki gave away his hiding place when the unthinkable happened. Yuki smiled. The expression, given what was happening to him, was maddening to Duo. You couldn’t possibly smile when you were being raped! But Yuki was. Yuki was always smiling, always laughing, always so happy. How could he be happy? How could he find the strength to smile every day? Didn’t he know how horrible life was? Through the pain, Yuki was smiling like he always did, and, miraculously, he wasn’t begging for help. He was… he was saving him… if he screamed for Duo, Duo would be found. The American had never met a single person in his life, save one, that would try to keep him safe in a moment like this._  
 _His heart ached in a terrible pain and for a scary second, he almost did try to help Yuki. He had only met two people that possessed that kind of kindness, and one of them was dead. Even as the first man finished and the second one took his turn, Duo and Yuki didn’t stop holding each other’s stares. Duo found that he would sooner have his heart stop in his chest than look away. Yuki needed him. He needed someone there for him right now and even if Duo couldn’t save him, he could let him know that he was here with his eyes. The brutality seemed last forever, but Duo never looked away. He saw the glitter of the knife, but when Yuki’s eyes suddenly dulled and his body went limp, the six year old became confused. Why did his eyes look like that?_  
 _Blood poured from Yuki’s thin, white throat and pooled on the snowy ground. Duo’s world froze and for a moment, he could only watch in horror. He heard the men’s cruel laughter as the one with the knife cleaned it and they both left. They left Yuki laying there, in a pool of his own blood, his lifeless eyes staring over at Duo. How… how could anyone just… just kill someone like that? Especially Yuki, who was so beautiful and bright, the only street kid Duo had ever known who could smile every day. He squeezed his eyes shut, tears dripping down his cheeks, and finally started to scream. All he could see was Yuki’s smile, all he could hear were the ghost sounds of wet sex, and all he could smell was blood. The men weren’t far away, but he kept screaming._  
 _When Duo emerged from the rubble, his entire body felt weak, like he had been running for days and had nothing left to give. He felt hollow inside, completely empty, like one of the walking dead. Somewhere deep inside, he felt sorrow and knew he shouldn’t. He was a street kid. There was no room in his shrunken heart for sadness, or any other emotion except hunger and fear. But, as he stood and looked at Yuki’s dead body, he felt something in his heart, that same something he had felt when he had seen the destroyed church that Sister Helen had used to work at. That loud, insane buzzing that made him want to start screaming again. He felt just as bloody and dead as the body that lay a few feet from him._  
 _His eyes were swollen red from crying and he had lost his voice from screaming. If he were able to, he would cry and scream some more, but he had nothing left inside. He shuffled over to the body and suddenly didn’t like the fact that Yuki was lying on his stomach. He rolled him over. The Japanese boy’s eyes stared blankly upward. What were you supposed to do when someone you knew, someone who you had talked to several times, suddenly died? Weren’t you supposed to say something from the Bible? But he didn’t know any passages or words. For some reason, that made him feel like crying again, just because he couldn’t do it right. Burial… that was the big thing, you have to bury the dead. That was probably more important than reading from the Bible._  
 _But that was impossible, too. The ground underneath them was just solid concrete and all the dirt was too frozen to bury anything. But he had to do it! Yuki was the same as him, he had to do this. No one else was going to. An idea in his head, Duo knelt on the ground and started to scoop snow on the ground and place it on Yuki’s body. There was enough of it to bury a small body, but it was cold and made Duo’s bloody fingers numb. He kept going though, even remembering stories about frost bite. He didn’t care, he had to do this. Yuki had been a good person. He had always talked to him when he saw him, he hadn’t ignored him or treated him like trash._  
 _When Yuki’s body was completely covered by snow, Duo looked at the mound, feeling that something was missing. Flowers! He remembered you were supposed to leave pretty things like that at a grave. But he didn’t have any flowers. He didn’t even have weeds that usually grew through the cracks in the pavement during summer. He glanced over at the shards of glass that littered the snow. They shimmered like how the snow shimmered in the dim light. Glass was pretty, right? Duo stood up and gathered as much glass as he could. It sliced up his fingers further, but he didn’t stop. When he knelt by the mound again to sprinkle the glass over the impromptu grave, his blood dripped onto the snow, but that was ok, too._  
 _“Hey! What are you doing?!” a harsh, angry voice screamed by the mouth of the alley._  
 _Duo’s head whipped up and saw sharp green eyes glaring at him. He got to his feet and ran as fast as he could past the boy that was yelling at him, forgetting that he was still holding shards of glass and they sliced through his fingers and palm as he clenched them._   
　  
*****  
    Duo’s vision was blurry as he opened his eyes to his dimly lit bedroom. For a moment, he experienced a strange shock, waking from a very old memory to his new room in his new life. It didn’t take him very long to figure out that the reason for his blurriness was because he had been crying in his sleep. His pillow felt damp, his cheeks wet, and his eyes itched. He rubbed at them, cleaning away the tears and looked over at the alarm clock. 7 a.m. If he wasn’t such a fuck up, he would have been on his way to school by now. He scowled at his own patheticness and sat up.   
    Shiva and Sammy were still curled up on the bed with him, so at least he hadn’t thrashed around like he usually did when he had a nightmare. Nightmares… what else could he possibly call them? It wasn’t really a memory. Yes, all of it had happened, in the exact way he remembered it happening, except none of that had ever happened to Yuki. To his knowledge, Yuki had never been raped as a child. Of course, Yuki was so quiet and hesitant to talk about his past, maybe he had been. And Yuki had certainly never been one to smile like that. Quiet, reliable, but not exactly happy, Yuki had always walked around with a sad air and had rarely smiled. Most of all, he hadn’t met Yuki yet when he was six.   
    Duo knew, without a doubt, that that memory had been of Sunshine’s death. It had been pale blue eyes, not soft brown ones, that he had found looking at him while he had hid like a rat. One of his many mistakes… he should have saved him. He knew, logically, that there was nothing he could have done, but there was still that part of him that screamed he should have done something, anything, to save the one person who he could possibly call a friend. They had never really hung out much, like all street kids, they crossed paths once in awhile, but never really sought each other out. But when they did meet, they weren’t at each other’s throats, either. They had never stolen from each other, had never fought. And back then, that had been enough for Duo to call someone a friend.   
    Sunshine’s death had been tragic, but not rare. Little kids died all the time from disease, muggings, and especially rape. It had been a fact of Duo’s life. Yet, witnessing it had been something that had torn him up inside and it didn’t take a genius to figure out why he had mixed up Yuki with Sunshine. Two deaths… two people he should have been there for… two friends that were taken away from him. Yuki had been one of many things that had been weighing on his thoughts lately. One more thing that Wes had made him remember, had made him think about. The cruelty of life, or rather, the cruelty of their lives. It should have been horrible, the death of another person, especially one that he cared a great deal for, but it was something that happened all the time, which only made him feel worse about it.   
    Duo looked at his hands, noting the tiny, white scars on his fingers and palms, some from Wes’ abuse, others that he recognized from his dream, made from shards of glass clutched too tightly. Just when he thought that he was out of tears, was out of regret and sadness, another tear rolled down his cheek. He missed him… he hadn’t met with that group of whores as much as he had wanted to, but he missed Yuki. Shi was protective, like a big brother to him, Solo understood him like no one else in the group did, drawn from his own experiences on the street, but Yuki had this strange kind of gentleness, a calmness that had always set him at ease. When he had been feeling sad or angry, those kind eyes of his had always made him feel calm.   
    Yuki had been beautiful, hiding some kind of sadness, like all of them did, but it was that mystery, the fact that he had known very little about the boy that made Duo mourn him all the more. It seemed so sad… he hadn’t been there when Yuki had died. If he had been out, doing jobs for Wes that night, would he have seen it? What had been the last thing Yuki had said to him? He couldn’t remember. He wished he had seen the men that had done that to him, he wished he could remember their faces…   
    Duo grabbed at his head, which was starting to throb. He wouldn’t go back to sleep, he couldn’t, not with the image of Yuki, a little child in his dream, dead in front of him, and wondering just how close to reality that dream had been. Had Yuki died like Sunshine. They had told him he had died during a job, that his hair had been cut… that seemed to be a blow so hideous and personal that it made Duo want to weep even more. That beautiful hair… like falling midnight… they had all loved Yuki’s hair and that some sick, twisted bastard had robbed him of, not only that last bit of human decency, but something that had been so personal to Yuki for a reason he had never discussed made Duo want to scream.   
    He knew what that dream symbolized, what his mind was trying to tell him. It wasn’t just that he was guilty, and he was. That guilt was the same he had felt during Boston and now, after his friends had been in such serious danger from Wes, the sensation that he should have done something, even if he couldn’t figure out what that something was. All logic asked him how he possibly could have done anything to help, but his heart screamed that he shouldn’t have been that helpless, there had to have been _something_. But there was something else… his memories. He could feel like, almost like a physical presence in his brain, a heat that was bubbling up. When was the last time he had even thought of Sunshine? When he had met Quatre, he thought. How many more things were locked away in his head, just waiting for a weak moment to attack him.  
    It was already happening. Ever since Wes had attacked him at work, there were things that he could no longer hold at bay, memories that he had hidden away when Name had took him in. Those things had no business in his new life, he had told himself, so he had pushed them all away, down, deep inside of himself in hope that he could forget. He had done more than just hide his memories, he had hidden who he used to be, that desperate person that he had hated at how easily that person had submitted and fit into the mold Wes had set for him. The scariest thing of all was not that that person and those memories were fighting with his new life, his new identity, but the more they bubbled up, the more he realized that he couldn’t suppress them like he had in the past. He had been trying, so very hard, but it wasn’t going away. His head burned and throbbed, but he couldn’t stop it, like a train with no controller.   
    He couldn’t forget who he had been, that whore who claimed to have hated it, but sometimes, with the right guy, the sight sensation, had liked it. In those times, his mind had screamed, but his body had liked it. That side of himself, he never wanted his friends to see. He never wanted Heero to know that person. But… he had. Wes had made sure that he could never forget that side of his past, and Chris had forced him to show that side to his best friend. How could he ever escape that? Heero had seen that ugly person… how could he ever look at him the same again?   
    Duo hid his face in his hands, his chest tightening as he thought about what had happened in Boston. He had this sudden, intense urge to have Heero by his side, in his bed, holding him tight and telling him he didn’t think that way about him. He couldn’t do this anymore… he really couldn’t. He was tired, so tired, and all he wanted was Heero. Heero could make the pain go away, he knew he could. But he was scared, absolutely terrified of Heero tossing him away. He had almost lost him once.  
    He lifted his head up in shock at the immediate thought. He had almost lost him… that was right. His cheek stung in phantom pain of a slap that had happened a very long time ago. His life had almost gone by without ever seeing Heero again because of his mistake. He remembered that intense pain of thinking of never seeing Heero, how he had run away from Wes, just so he could get a _glimpse_ of his former friend. What if that happened again? What if, by hiding away and distancing himself, he would lose Heero again, this time permanently? A searing pain went through his heart and he gripped at his sheets. Back then, he would have done anything, _anything_ to get Heero back, so why the hell was he doing this?! Why was he constantly pushing Heero away out of fear of the Japanese boy’s anger, when doing that was still destroying their relationship? Either he could assume that Heero hated him, which his friends kept telling him wasn’t true, and destroy their relationship, or he could try to fix things, to deal with that anger and still try to get past that.  
    Heero had been pissed at him before, but they had gotten over it, they had retained their friendship. So why was it so hard now? He had spent all those days chained to Wes’ bed, begging and praying to see Heero again, and goddamn it, he had gotten his wish! Not only had he gotten that chance, he was living with him and his wonderful family! And now he was destroying it? What the hell was wrong with him? He had lost so much… he should be happy to have Heero in his life, not looking for reasons to push him away! And he was happy… when Heero was around, he was so happy. He had never felt that way before meeting him.  
    Wes had gotten his wish. He had reminded Duo of his past, of who he really was, and by doing that, he wanted to destroy Duo’s new, perfect life. But it had also shown Duo something he hadn’t intended. By reminding Duo of who he was, of making him feel so terrified, he had also reminded Duo of the times he had been happiest. Comparing those memories with his memories of Heero… how could he ever believe in his reasons for pushing Heero away? Even if he was scared of rejection, he wanted to be happy. He was so tired of being scared and hurt and humiliated. For once of his life, he wanted to be happy. Was that such a terrible thing? Why did he keep denying himself that, because the dream was so scary? Wasn’t it even scarier to give up on that dream, to go back to that terrible place where he had hated himself? He didn’t want that. Despite his feelings for Wes, he wanted to have some pride, for once.   
    Duo bowed his head. He wanted his life back. He wanted Heero back. Why did he have to be afraid of that? His braid slipped over his shoulder and he grabbed the tail of it. His fingers met the silken tie that had once been Yuki’s. He, as gently as he could, like he was touching something holy, unwrapped it from his braid and examined it in the low light.   
　  
     _“I’m not leaving you, Duo,” he said softly, “We’ll never leave you and you never left us, you never will. Lying in the dark is hard, but walking through it is even worse. The two of us know this better than most,” he smiled at Duo, “But when you’re ready, we’ll be waiting.”_  
　  
    Duo squeezed his eyes shut in pain. He was abandoning everything… his past friends… how long had it been since he had seen them? Once upon a time, they had been so important to him, his only real human contact besides Wes, and they still were important. Yuki still haunted him, he kept remembering memories of Solo and Shi… and yet, he was scared and depressed and he was forgetting those happy moments with his friends. Not just with them, either. All his memories were starting to overwhelm his memories of Heero, those moments when he was truly happy. He was abandoning Heero. He was distancing himself, which wasn’t protecting himself at all, he was just leaving Heero behind. He was leaving his heart behind. His friends weren’t leaving him, he was leaving them and that wasn’t fair. That was terrible.   
    Shi was right, even if it was a dream. He kept thinking that he was doing the right thing, protecting his heart and moving forward, but really, he was hiding in the darkness, away from the good things. He was still trapped in that darkness, but this time he was choosing to stay there, because the light was scaring him. He was killing himself in that darkness. Fuck, if Yuki and Shi could see him right now, they would be so disappointed in him. That thought woke him up more than anything else. What had he been doing to himself? He was walking in a fog, chanting that mantra that distancing himself from Heero was what he should be doing, when that was the last thing he should be doing.   
    With a shaking hand, Duo quickly retied his braid with the hair tie. He would never put anything else in his hair, nothing but this tie. It would remind him of what was important. It would remind him of where he came from, where he really came from. He wasn’t just a whore who had found a better life. He wasn’t just someone who should just forget his past! He had been trying to deny it, but he was denying everything, not just the bad things. He had forgotten Shi and Solo and Amaaya and Yuki and all the others… but he needed them. He couldn’t deny his past… even though it was painful… he didn’t want to deny it.   
    He had to stop running away, from the pain, from the fear, from his feelings… Yes, it hurt and he was scared to remember these things, but they were a part of him. Ugly and mangled, but it made him whole. It was the same way with his relationship with Heero. It was painful and scary, but it was beautiful at the same time and he couldn’t live without it. He had to stop doing this, he had to stop letting these fears rule his life. He couldn’t run away anymore… He wanted to be whole… he didn’t want to hate himself anymore or be so scared anymore. He wanted to be proud of himself. A knock on the door made Duo jump and he grabbed his sheets, covering himself with them, which just made him feel silly.   
    “Duo, can I come in?” Heero’s voice was like a gift from the heavens, like the universe was showing him the path.  
At the same time it made him freeze with Heero’s timing, it warmed his heart and relaxed him. But… wait… it was almost eight, he should be at school, right? He realized that Heero must have heard him crying and blushed darkly. He let go of the sheet.   
    “S-sure,” he stammered.  
    It had seemed like forever since he had seen Heero. He knew it wasn’t really like that, but the only time he had touched Heero or spoke to him had been when he was scared and desperate. Now, he was calm and it felt weird that Heero was coming in to talk to him out of his own free will. That feeling of awkwardness told him what he needed to do. He shouldn’t have to feel awkwardness in just seeing his best friend. Shiva yowled as Heero came in, but went back to sleep. Duo looked at Heero and felt his heart warm. He loved this feeling… just this spark of happiness at seeing a person, the person he loved.   
    “Are you ok?” Heero asked nervously as he entered the room, noting Duo’s red eyes.  
    Duo blushed even more deeply at his friends’ concern. Fuck, but he felt like a little kid who had never even had a friend before.  
    “I’m ok,” he said in a near whisper, “Is there anything you wanted?”  
    Heero nodded, but seemed even more nervous. Duo felt a pain at that nervousness. This was ridiculous. Where had their closeness gone? That frankness they had shared, the ability to tell each other anything? Duo’s livelihood had been based on his ability to lie to people’s faces, so it was hard to stop. He still had problems coming clean with the things that plagued him, partially because of habit, and partially because those things were usually too painful and embarrassing to talk about, but at the same time he felt the most vulnerable around Heero, he also had trusted him enough to tell him those things. Where had that trust gone? No, that wasn’t fair. That trust hadn’t disappeared, but there was suddenly this huge gap between them, a gap that robbed Duo of his confidence and strength, a gap he would do just about anything to close.  
    As Heero sat at the edge of the bed, Duo scooted over to make room for him, but Heero hesitated. Duo felt like smacking himself as he realized that the move looked like he was trying to get away from him. These misunderstandings had to stop and he realized very quickly that this situation was all of his fault. If he wasn’t such a coward, this strangeness between them wouldn’t have lasted this long. If he had had any kind of courage, they would have either ended their relationship entirely or would have fixed everything by now. But even if he thought that he had to stop hiding, that he wanted this relationship fixed, it wasn’t that simple. When had anything been that simple? He was still scared, still hesitant, because he knew how much rejection from Heero would damage him and he was anything but carefree with his heart.   
Even this, with Heero sitting on his bed, completely dressed and Duo still in his pajamas made Duo feel awkward and he didn’t want to. They had slept together in the same bed a few times and Heero had even bathed him once when he had been having a severe panic attack, so why did this all feel so weird to him?   
    “Why aren’t you at school?” he suddenly blurted out, desperate to do anything to relieve the strange tension between them.  
    That tension made Duo feel like he had done something terrible, but couldn’t figure out what it was. There was so much he had done these last few weeks, but now he felt like he was being blamed for something. Then, Heero gave him a small smile and all the worry and anxiety melted from him. He loved that smile. It always said comforting things like ‘it’s alright’ and it was so hard to be stressed when Heero smiled that way. And it was only him that Heero smiled at that way, which made him feel so… special. No one had ever made him feel that way before. How could he ever successfully fight against such a feeling? He realized at that second that they were always leading to this. Even if they pushed away, they were just going to end up together again. There was no way he ever could have succeeded in continuing to distance himself from Heero. In the end… he would have lost his will to fight whether or not Wes had attacked him.   
    The evidence was there in that smile, and how Duo’s heart calmed so easily. Maybe that was what love was. He had spent a long time wondering about that emotion, but maybe it was simple. Maybe it was just a smile that made Duo feel like he was worth something after all. They hadn’t even talked anything out, but just knowing that Heero was here was making Duo feel better.  
    “There’s something very important I have to do,” Heero told him.  
    “Oh,” Duo said lamely.  
    “Do you want to take a ride with me?” the blue eyed boy asked.  
    Duo tensed. Him and Heero… alone together in a car… who knew what would be said or done. That was dangerous, wasn’t it? His heart started to race. He wasn’t ready for this. It was all well and good to say that he wanted things to get better, but to actually take that first step.   
    “I don’t know,” he murmured.  
    Heero’s smile vanished and Duo immediately felt guilty. He hadn’t meant to make Heero look so sad, but… in between his sudden fear of leaving the house and his fear of saying something or doing something that would cause even more distance between them, it was safe to say he was terrified. He hadn’t even left the house since Friday. Would Wes take that moment to come after him? That thought made him feel even more paranoid. He had stopped looking out the window since yesterday because it had worried his friends so much, but his whole body itched with the urge to glance out that window, his paranoia mounting. What if he went outside and Wes came for him? He couldn’t stop that thought, as silly as it was.   
    “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he murmured.  
    Heero looked away from him and Duo felt like someone had run his heart through with a knife. He knew, logically, that he had to leave the house at some point, he _knew_ that, but…   
    Duo’s head whipped around as a flash of sudden color caught his eye. Sitting on the dresser was Toby, happily chewing away on one of Duo’s bright green socks. The tom, once introduced to cat toys for the first time, had gotten an addiction to chewing on the yarn toys Duo bought for him. The problem was that the tawny cat often mistook his owner’s socks and mittens for one of his toys and loved to gnaw on them. Because of Toby’s very sharp teeth, Duo had several socks and mittens with large holes in them.   
    “Toby! Bad cat!” he scolded, jumping out of bed to apprehend the feline.  
    His cats were usually so well behaved that Duo had never really called any of them ‘bad cat’, so Toby just stared at Duo for a few seconds, then went right back to chewing. When Duo grabbed the other end of the sock, trying to pull it from Toby’s formidable jaws, the cat thought Duo was instigating a fun new game and pulled back. Heero had to struggle not to start laughing. Giving Duo’s frustration, he figured it would be a little bit rude. Finally, Duo managed to get the sock away from Toby, who gave out a morose yowl and scampered off in search of something else to chew on. With a sigh, Duo opened his drawer to put the sock back in safely and his back went rigid.  
    On the half of his drawer that wasn’t filled with socks, lying next to the watch Name had given him a month ago and the card key from the hotel where they had stayed in Boston that he had kept as a souvenir because as depressing as the end of the trip had been, the parts before that had been wonderful, were his two medical bracelets, neatly beside one another like prayer parchment, like they had been entombed. It was a morbid thought, but it was kind of accurate. They had no real purpose to anyone but him, but they weren’t something he was going to just throw away. He had decided that a very long time ago. His finger touched the first one, the one he had gotten the night that Heero had found him bleeding all over his bedroom floor, wrapped in his quilt. He traced its surface, seeing the fake name Name had used for him at the time printed there.  
 _“I think I’ll keep it as a reminder that… that there are people who care about me… I want to keep this, so if I ever have any doubts, I can remember how much you guys love me.”_  
　  
　  
    Duo closed his eyes and smiled. He had forgotten… he had blackouts and short term memory loss, but how could he have forgotten something so important? How could he have forgotten the depth of his family’s love for him? He had thought that they would give up on him, that Heero would give up on him, because trying to help was too hard, because it seemed like everyone gave up on him. When he had been living on the streets, no one had wanted to help him. People with jobs, with money, wouldn’t even throw him the barest of scraps. When he went to school covered in bruises, no one even spoke to him. His teachers looked right through him, like he was a ghost. And he had thought that Name and his friends would do the same thing, because he had forgotten the one thing he never should have forgotten.  
    He was loved. What else could you call it when Name had taken him in, gave him clothes, food, his own room! What else could you call it when he had come home after almost getting raped again, lost in his nightmares, and Heero had bathed him, only because he had begged him to? What else could you call it when he had run away again and Trowa had tried so hard to find him, only to promise he wouldn’t tell, even to his best friend? He had kept that stupid medical bracelet, not because it was nice, but because sometimes he got lost in the darkness so easily, and sometimes he needed the reminder that there were people that cared for him.   
Remembering how Heero had comforted him when he had been hallucinating in the hospital, how he had gone out of his way time and time again to make him feel comfortable and safe, in the face of Heero’s love for him, all his anxieties and fears about Heero losing faith in him or hating him seemed so small and silly. Heero loved him. No matter what, Heero had proved that to him. They were best friends. They would always be best friends and he would cling to that with everything he had. Trowa was right… his family was here and they loved him. He wasn’t alone anymore and he had stopped living like he was. He closed the drawer and turned to Heero.  
    “Alright. I’ll go,” he said.  
    Heero brightened and suddenly it was all worth it, any fear Duo had about fucking up or Heero being angry was worth it, just to see Heero happy.   
    “Bring a warm jacket,” Heero advised Duo.  
    Duo raised an eyebrow at that, but shrugged.  
    “I’ll be waiting outside,” Heero said with excitement, leaving Duo to get dressed.   
    Duo shook his head. He had no idea what was going through Heero’s head, but it was nice to see him smiling again. He found that he didn’t even care where they were going. Even if it felt kind of weird to be spending time with Heero, just the two of them, it was nice, too. He should scold him for skipping school, but he was just as bad. His shoulder was almost all better, but he had missed too much school and still hadn’t really considered going back. He supposed it was ok, with everyone bringing his assignments back and forth, but he missed going already.   
    He dressed in warm clothes, like Heero had told him to and met him in the driveway, where the silver car was parked, sitting in the passenger’s side next to Heero.  
    “Are you going to tell me what errands we’re running that are so important your mother would let you miss school?” he asked.  
    Heero wore a small, contented smile as he drove the car out of their driveway.  
    “It’s a secret,” he said in amusement.   
    Duo rolled his eyes, then grinned in surprise. He was having fun and they had only just left. That feeling showed him how lonely he had been without Heero. He hadn’t even realized how much he needed him, how happy he was when he was around him. He closed his eyes as Heero drove. It was so strange, he just felt… content. They weren’t talking about their problems, but just by knowing that Heero was with him, he felt so relaxed and happy. He felt that he didn’t even need words, for the first time in almost a month, he felt good.   
*****  
    Duo jerked awake as the Lamborghini hit a pothole. He didn’t recognize the still unbosoming trees outside the window of the car.  
    ‘Outside,’ his sleepy mind screamed at him, ‘I’m outside, why am I outside?’  
    Well, he was in a car, not really outside, so it was fine, right? Wes couldn’t get him when he was inside a car, right? He shook his head at his fearful reaction. Heero was here. Heero would protect him. As long as he was with his best friend… nothing Wes did would reach him. That powerful thought alone settled his heart.   
    “Sorry,” Heero apologized, “I should have avoided that. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”  
    “It’s ok,” Duo said automatically, then froze.  
    He had slept. For a long time, judging by the unfamiliar road they were on. Not only had he slept in a place that he didn’t feel safe, which was simply amazing giving how hard it was to sleep in his own bedroom now, he hadn’t dreamed. Ever since Friday, he hadn’t been able to close his eyes for a second without having some kind of terrible nightmare or repressed memory. But now, he had slept and he hadn’t had a single dream, good or bad. Was it because Heero was here? Had he chased the bad things away? He wanted to slam his head against the car door. Was this really all that it took to calm his soul? The boy he loved; being near him, not even talking to him, just being here?  
    It was better than any sleeping pill or therapy. If he had known that from the start, would he have reached out to Heero before now? He wasn’t sure, but it eased the ache on his heart. For the first time in a very long time, he didn’t feel tired. He had energy to spare and that feeling of hopelessness and fear was easing, little by little, every second that passed. Suddenly, the car sped past a large sign that read ‘You are now Leaving St. Peters, Come Back Soon!’  
    “Why are we leaving town?” Duo asked nervously.   
    He had only left this town once and it hadn’t exactly ended well. Of course, staying here hadn’t, either. Still, he found that he was curious than nervous.   
    “We’re leaving because St. Peters doesn’t have a beach,” Heero said matter-of-factly.  
    Duo stared at him. It took him all of ten seconds to decipher what Heero was talking about and when he did, his eyes widened in shock, a blush spreading across his face.  
   _“One day, when you’re all better, I’ll take you there, just the two of us.”_   
    “You remembered,” Duo murmured in awe, smiling fondly at his friend, “After all this time, you remembered that.”  
    Heero’s smile was a little bitter, but he was clearly happy that Duo seemed to think of it as some great feat.  
    “I never forgot,” he admitted, “I’ve never forgotten a single promise I’ve made to you, Duo, not ever.”  
    That made Duo blush harder. What had he ever done to deserve a best friend who not only made seemingly impossible promises and kept most of them, but also could remember something so obscure, but warming, months later? Most people would have forgotten about it or given up on it because it was too much of hassle. Heero hadn’t.   
    “It never seemed to be the right time,” Heero murmured, “You were so weak for a long time, then all that crap with Relena happened, it just never seemed like the right time. I wanted your first visit to the beach to be perfect, something you’d remember forever. I wanted to share that with you.”  
    Duo kept his eyes on Heero, studying him. How could he ever thought that Heero hated him when, in reality, the blue eyed boy thought things like that? Things like ‘first times’ had never meant anything to Duo before he had met Heero. Heero seemed to put so much stake in it, Duo had started to believe in sentimental things like that, too.   
    “Do you remember when we swam at that hotel pool in Boston?” Heero asked.  
    Duo nodded. How could he have forgotten that night? How could he have forgotten that feeling of weightlessness as he and Heero playfully swam together, looking at Heero’s agile, beautiful form as the warm water took away his stress and his best friend had taught him that he didn’t have to be afraid of the water, just because he had had a few bad memories of it.   
    “I remember,” he murmured, reminiscing.   
    “Well, before then, I really wanted to take you in the summer, when it was hot enough to swim,” Heero told him.  
    Duo winced. Their excursion in night swimming had woken a love for it in him, but the idea of doing that at a crowded beach made him feel shy. If he tried to swim with his clothes on again, he would just gain unwanted attention and looks, but there was no way he was taking his shirt off among that many people, not with his scars… the pool at home that was out back, surrounded by a high fence was more to his liking.   
    “But I know how body shy you are,” Heero said, seeming to read Duo’s mind, “And now seems like the perfect time anyway.”  
The perfect time? Duo wondered about that. A Maine beach in March was far too cold to go swimming, but at least they would be mostly alone.   
    “I think Clarksdale has a beach,” Duo mused.  
    “It does. I did some research online last night. It’s a large beach that’s open to the public all year long. There’s a little beachside restaurant, too, so we can have lunch there.”  
    Duo smirked at him. He thought that Heero’s tendency to prepare for something, even something that seemed as spontaneous as this, was undeniably adorable. Clarksdale was only twenty to thirty minutes from St. Peters and they drove the rest of the way there in silence, but it was comfortable and nice, a far cry to how their interactions had been these last few weeks. Duo wanted to think that they had finally come to an understanding and everything was fixed and better, but he knew that that was just an illusion. He still felt nervous and awkward and he thought that Heero probably did, too. But for right now, he wanted to pretend that everything was like it used to be and revel in it.   
    From what Duo could see of Clarksdale, it was much more rural than St. Peters was. Their own town was much, much larger and was more of a city. It had tall buildings, major companies, a town park, and the kind of mixed pollution and ruined streets that such a city brought with it. Clarksdale, on the other hand, was smaller and kind of quaint. All of the businesses that Duo could see were local, little diners that he had only ever seen in television and movies, knick knack shops that monopolized on their town’s beach by displaying sea stars, shells, and seamen gear like lobster traps on the inside and outside of the buildings. It was cute to Duo, who was used to grimy concrete alleys covered in graffiti and the dilapidated buildings that seemed to litter the part of town that he had grown up in.   
    There were no other cars in the beach parking lot, which made Duo feel better about this trip. He certainly wasn’t going to try to go swimming, but he thought it would be nice to be able to go to the beach, just as Heero had promised, ‘just the two of them.’ Heero’s sports car had gotten them quite a few odd looks as they had driven through the town. Duo imagined that Clarksdale very rarely got any kind of expensive car. As they walked onto the beach path, Duo became immediately interested in the lush, beach grass that was a brilliant green, even though it was still too cold for other plants. Shi had called Alex and Aluxiel beach grass once, but Solo and Duo, who hadn’t ever seen beach grass, hadn’t gotten the joke. Looking at the sharp, thriving grass, he got it now. Shi had jokingly said that you had to actually see beach grass to get why it was funny, but he was right.   
    Alex and Aluxiel were like Sunshine had been. No matter how bad things had been for them, they smiled, even if they had just come out of a job. They were always together, too, and Duo thought that it was only partially because they were twins. When they were separated, however, they were just as sharp and biting as that grass. They calmed each other in a way that Duo thought very few could understand. Their bond was rare and special and so was their love for each other. Duo had often wished that he could have a relationship like that, but such thoughts had been so painful because he had surrendered to the fact that he would never find anyone that cared about him that way. He knew from the books he had read in class that the beach grass was separated from the path by a large fence because it was also fragile, not to the natural world, but to people stepping all over it. That there needed to be a fence at all, that people were so ignorant and uncaring they needed a physical barrier to keep from hurting the vegetation, upset him. And maybe that had a lot to do with Shi’s strange little analogy.   
    “Wow,” Duo said in awe as they finished walking down the path and finally ended up at the beach.   
    He could see _everything_! The sky was spread out in a powdered blue without a single cloud. The ocean was a deep Prussian, darker than Heero’s eyes, and seemed to go on forever and ever, the sunlight sparkling on its surface. All along the beach and floating on breezes over the water were hundreds of sea gulls and plovers and other kinds of beach dwelling birds. There was a salty smell, too, but it was like nothing Duo had ever smelled before and he immediately fell in love with it. The sand under their shoes seemed so soft and inviting and there were few rocks. Heero insisted that it was high tide, but Duo had no idea. With a grin, he shucked off his sneakers and placed them by the fence, putting his socks inside of them and sighed in contentment.  
    Duo had spent a lot of his childhood barefoot. As a result, he was used to rough concrete, walking on hard rocks and gravel, but standing on the beach sand was completely different. Unlike gravel, the sand was pleasantly warm and soft, cradling his feet. His shoes had gotten sand in them from walking on the beach path and had been uncomfortable, but now that his feet were immerged in it, it felt good.   
    “This is amazing,” Duo said, still smiling, taking in every inch of the sight of the ocean, noting how beautiful it was.  
    He could almost imagine dolphins or sun fish breaking the surface of the waves, even though he knew no such creatures existed in the New England waters. He spied a huge group of sea gulls a few feet away from them and grinned wickedly. He had seen sea gulls before, mostly picking through garbage and loitering in restaurant parking lots, but these beach dwelling gulls seemed much prouder and nobler to him. With a feral cry, he ran at them like a small child would, something he had seen a kid do once at a fast food parking lot, a kid who had had parents and a hot hamburger in one of his hands. He had envied that child, because he had never found any sort of joy in such activities, but now, seeing the gulls take to the air in a furry of snowy feathers, he understood.   
    Heero laughed out loud as he watched his friend chase the birds with a carefree, happy expression on his face. He was so… cute! He was like a little kid, exploring new things, finally letting his problems wash over him. This Duo, and the one that had cried in Trowa’s lap yesterday hardly seemed to be the same person. Seeing him so happy made Heero’s heart feel light, as light as the birds that were fleeing from the longhaired boy. In that moment, he wanted so badly to sweep him up in his arms. Was Duo trying to let go, or was it just this place that had taken him by surprise and had allowed him to lower his shields? He should have taken him here months ago. For a kid who had lived surrounded by concrete his entire life, Duo seemed to thrive amongst nature. Duo turned to look at him and his smile was bright, his chestnut hair mussed from running framed his face. His expression was one of joy and with the white feathers from the birds floating around him, he looked like…  
    ‘An angel… he looks like an angel,’ Heero thought in shock, his heart pounding almost painfully.   
He swallowed his heart beat, trying to force it to calm down, even as he was cursing himself for this entire situation. It seemed like, somehow, he had forgotten all these feelings, but perhaps he had had to forget them in order to push Duo away to begin with. He jogged over to where Duo was still standing, smirking at the image his friend made as he brushed a few little gull feathers off his shirt.  
    “Was it fun?” Heero teased.  
    When Duo smiled at him, he felt his heart melt. How could he have denied himself this contentment? How could he have denied Duo that smile… he suddenly realized that Duo hadn’t smiled like that since they day they had been kidnapped by Chris. Duo nodded at him.  
    “Yeah, but I feel a bit sorry for scaring them like that,” he admitted.  
    “I’m sure they’ve already forgotten about it,” Heero assured him, almost laughing.  
    Only Duo would feel bad about scaring a bunch of gulls.  
    “I’ll race you to the rocks,” Heero challenged, pointing to a cluster of large rocks that jutted out from the water from the distance.   
    He made sure to pick something that Duo would win at and wouldn’t tire him out. He knew that the longhaired boy’s shoulder was still bothering him a great deal. Plus, while Heero had the two things that Duo’s body lacked: stamina and strength, Duo was much faster and more agile than Heero could ever hope to be. He just wasn’t counting on how much faster Duo was. As soon as Duo said ‘sure’, the American was off running. It was like watching a cheetah take off after a gazelle. The boy’s speed had always been something that Heero had admired and the scary thing was, the sand was actually hindering him, Duo not used to running on sand like Heero was, but he was still too fast for Heero to catch up to him while he was running. When Duo finally stopped next to the rocks and Heero caught up with him, he visually checked his friend over to make sure that he wasn’t too winded, but he seemed fine. Though his shoulder was still slightly wounded, it hadn’t affected Duo in any other way.   
    “Want to climb them?” Heero asked, gesturing to the rocks.   
    Their were absolutely no waves, the water still and calm, so Heero wasn’t really worried about Duo slipping off the rocks, and if he did, the water by the rocks was deep enough that Duo wouldn’t hit his head on anything and shallow enough that he couldn’t drown. Besides, there was something that he wanted his friend to see.   
    “Why?” Duo asked, puzzled.  
    “When I was a kid, I used to play on the beach all the time,” Heero said with a smile at the fond memory, “My dad used to help me climb rocks like these all the time. It gives you a great view of the ocean. It’s just fun.”  
    “Sure,” Duo agreed.  
    He wasn’t sure what was more tempting, a better view of the beautiful sea that he had only ever seen in postcards and on TV, or experiencing something that Heero seemed so fond of.   
    “I’ll have to help you, though,” Heero warned.  
    “I know,” Duo murmured, feeling embarrassed.   
    Because of his shoulder, he wasn’t really supposed to stressing his arm and climbing would definitely stress it. The least that could happen was him being unable to climb the rock and therefore thoroughly embarrassing himself, but the worst was that he could lose his weak grip entirely and hit his head on the rock. He put his foot on the rock, the warm stone feeling oddly smooth and solid compared to the sand. He really just needed Heero to carefully push him up the slanted part of the rock, the rest was no problem. He blushed darkly as he felt Heero’s strong hands on his lower back, keeping him steady.  
    Heero cursed himself for even suggesting helping Duo to climb the rock. To do that, he would have to touch him, and that was the one thing that Duo seemed to not like anymore. It was something that had made Heero’s heart ache constantly, Duo’s constant flinching. It hurt to know that his best friend didn’t even trust him enough to let him touch him without some kind of hesitant reaction. He couldn’t handle that flinch, so he had gone out of his way to avoid touching Duo at all unless Duo made the first move. But now he didn’t really have a choice, he had to touch him to help him up, and Duo had said it was fine, but was it really? He didn’t know what was driving him more insane, those little flinches when Duo had flinched around everyone else but him, or that they still weren’t talking about those reactions.   
    Heero, very cautiously, placed his hand on the small of Duo’s back, giving him support, while at the same time he watched his friend in case he flinched again and fell off the rock. Heero’s blue eyes widened as his hand made contact with Duo’s clothed back and nothing happened. There was no flinch, no stiffening of that slim back, Duo made absolutely no move to make him stop touching him. Heero’s fingers splayed over that back, feeling his form through the shirt. His heart raced and he felt his face flame in the cool wind. He was touching Duo… his chest clenched. If he had been in the privacy of his room, he would have easily cried, but the sudden, biting wind reminded him that he was in a place where he didn’t have the luxury of tears.  
    It felt like this huge barrier that had been cast around his heart was crumbling away into nothing. He hadn’t even realized… just how much pain he had been feeling before now. But something drastic had changed. It was like a split thread that, strand by strand, was starting to become entwined again. Weren’t they here, together, laughing and having a fun time, despite the coldness that had existed between them for what seemed like such a very long time? And now there was this… Heero felt like his heart was warming up again. He didn’t want to remove his hand, but he knew he had to. But… but at least that decision was up to him now. Suddenly… he didn’t want this moment, this entire day to end at all.   
    Heero gently gave Duo a push, keeping his hand on his back until Duo awkwardly stumbled to the top of the large rock. When he was sure that his best friend wouldn’t fall, his hand slipped from his back. The absence of that warm back under his fingers made something deep inside of him ache for it, but his hand remained warm for several minutes. Duo stood up on top of the rock and looked out over the ocean. It really was beautiful, the almost flat water, stretching out in a way that seemed impossible. It seemed so huge and he remembered when he had learned about astrology in middle school as a part of a general sciences class.   
    He remembered how one girl in his glass had leaned over in her seat and had whispered to her friend next to her that the stars were pretty and all, but learning about how… _big_ it all was, was kind of scary, like nothing she would ever do would be important enough. He remembered thinking that it was silly for her to think that way. He had felt insignificant his entire life, like a speck on someone’s shoe. What he did, what he felt, what he thought, none of it had ever mattered. But, if you looked at the universe, all their lives were meaningless in the regard that they didn’t really affect anything. But he had always thought that they affected each other, and that was what mattered.   
    In the eyes of what he had always considered ‘normal people’, people who had families and money and houses, the lives of whores were pretty insignificant. The lives of Shi, Solo, Amaaya, Alex, Aluxiel, Hi, and Yuki were useless. What had happened to them, their hopes and dreams, none of it mattered to them. But one night, their lives, theirs and his, had intersected. Those people that everyone thought were insignificant had ended up, not only saving his life, but also saving the part of himself that had given up on that life. They were significant to him, dammit, who cared if the rest of the world thought they were all trash? And… actually… if Name and Heero had taught him anything, it was that one person’s trash was another’s treasure. All those ‘normal people’ had discarded them, but Name and Heero had seen him and had, for some reason, treasured him. So what if the universe saw the lives of people as insignificant? Why did your life have to mean anything to anyone but yourself?  
    Looking at the ocean made him feel that way. The sea was this massive thing, so different from the city, which had always made him feel closed in. Yes, it was massive looking, and compared to all that wide, open space, he did feel small, but it didn’t make him feel bad. Rather, it made him feel like he was a part of something bigger, and if he was a part of the world, instead of constantly hiding away from it and thinking he was… abnormal and dirty, it made him feel safer. It was the same with this new life of his. It felt so much better to know that he wasn’t alone. Even if the things around him, his new friends and family, also scared him sometimes. The wind ruffled his hair and if felt cold, but nice, too. He never would have been able to be here and looking out onto all of this, feeling these things, if it weren’t for Heero. That thought hit him like a physical force. Hell, if it weren’t for Heero, he would either be dead or still living with Wes, living as a zombie, a living sex toy.  
    “Look over the edge,” Heero called to him.  
    Duo looked back at him suspiciously.  
    “You’re not going to… shove me off or something, are you?” Duo asked.  
    Heero snorted.  
    “No, you idiot,” he teased, “I’m pretty sure you’ll get pneumonia if you fall into water that cold. Besides, we don’t have a change of clothes and I don’t want you getting my car soaked.”  
    Duo smiled back at him, realizing that it was a foolish question to begin with. Of course Heero wouldn’t do something like that to him. It was the sort of rotten trick that Zechs would have pulled, and had pulled before, like the time in Middle School gym class when they had to climb that stupid rope. It had been partially a test on their strength and partially a test in trust because when they reached the height of the rope, they had had to let go and their ‘partner’ had been supposed to catch them. The rope hadn’t been very high at all, and with his small size, Duo had made it to the top. That he had been paired up with Zechs for this exercise had made Duo lose all faith in his gym teacher’s intelligence, and his compassion, and this had been after the incident at the pool.   
    Predictably, and Duo had indeed known it was going to happen, but had been helpless to stop it, Zechs had made it look like he was trying to catch Duo, but had missed him. Fortunately, in between the not very far drop and his reflexes, Duo had only ended up with a sprained wrist, but it wasn’t the injury that had hurt him the most. What had been the most painful, and what had stuck with him the longest, was how obvious it was that Zechs had purposefully not caught him, yet the silver haired boy had never been punished for it, just like at the pool. Their teacher had scolded Zechs for not paying attention, but hadn’t done anything further. Duo knew that the man had realized he was being bullied, but hadn’t cared enough to try to stop it. That day, Duo had learned that no one would ever care.   
    But Heero cared, he had learned that much since then. There were people who cared, if not to stop abuse, then to try to soften its blow. He remembered how, when Zechs had hit him hard enough in gym to make him cough up blood, Ms. Schbeiker had punished him for it. She hadn’t been able to stop it, but she had still cared. Heero was like that, too. Even before he had known about Wes and the truth of Duo’s life, he had cared. Of course he wouldn’t push him off the dumb rock, and Duo felt guilty for having doubted him. He felt guilty for having every doubted him at all. Heero wasn’t mad at him. And if he was, he certainly didn’t show it. If he was mad… he wasn’t letting it break their friendship. Knowing that, Duo just felt like an idiot for having let this go on for so long.   
    Heero smiled as he watched his friend get on his knees and look over the edge of the rock. Duo’s long braid fell over his shoulder and Heero imagined that the tip of it must be just barely skimming over the surface of the water. He loved that bundle of hair, the way it looked like fiery, golden oak when the sun hit it and how it swayed like a living thing every time Duo made even a slight movement. He remembered the very first time he could remember that his father had brought him to a beach. He had only been about four or five.  
    According to his mother, his father had been taking him to the beach ever since he had been a baby. Usually, with adult, Heero had always had to run just to keep up with them as they walked, but he had never had to run after his father, even when they had been at the beach together. His father had always walked at a slow pace for him. It had been just one of many things that he had loved about him. They had been living in the outskirts of Tokyo at the time, in a large house near the sea. Heero thought that his mother had paid the large sum of money on that house, not because of the size, or even that it was far enough away from the city that the air was mostly clear and the street uncrowned, but because, if you had gone to the south side of the house and looked out any window, all you had seen, going on and on towards the horizon, was blue ocean.  
    Both his mother and his uncle had been named for that sometimes calm, sometimes furious sea, though Heero had always thought that his mother, whose name meant ‘wave’, was much more like the sea than his Uncle Mizu, who had a temper, but never really seemed all that calm to Heero. That was another thing that Heero had in common with his mother, they both loved the sea. His father had, too. When they had moved to England, they had also been on the water, but Heero had felt that it wasn’t the same. A different country, a different ocean. It had looked the same, but he had known that it wasn’t. The beach back in Japan had had large rocks at the water’s edge like the one that Duo was now kneeling on.   
    That first day that he could remember, his father had helped him up onto one of those rocks and had told him to look over the side of it like he had just told Duo to, so he knew what Duo was going to see and smiled wider.   
    “Starfish!” Duo squealed in pure joy, grinning widely as he spotted the beautifully shaped echinoderms clinging to the side of the rock, submerged in the water only made clear by how shallow it was on that side of the rock.  
    As Duo turned to look back at him with wide, enchanted eyes, Heero had to fight to not jump up on the rock and kiss him. The excited boy in front of him didn’t hold a trace of paranoia or fear, just curiosity and joy. This was exactly why he had fallen in love with Duo. He had so much darkness in his life, so many reasons for hopelessness and hatred, yet time and time again, he found these things, little things that any other person would see as trite and silly, but they were so wondrous and beautiful to him. That light in eyes that were usually filled with terrible memory made Heero find that same light in everything around him.   
    “Can I touch them?” Duo’s voice was light and unsure, as though he were afraid that speaking too loudly would scare the creatures away, “It won’t… like… hurt them or anything?”  
    “Yes, you can touch them,” Heero said with a soft, fond smile.  
    If anyone else had asked him that, Heero would have warned them not to pry the starfish off the rocks or take them out of the water, but Duo was the kindest, gentlest person he had ever met and he knew that his friend wouldn’t do something so stupid, but he wanted Duo to experience this, he wanted Duo to know what a starfish felt like. He was quite sure, given Duo’s reaction, that the boy had never seen or touched a live starfish before. Probably, Duo’s only experience with them was from the dried skeletons that The Cottage sold as decoration. Duo slipped his hand into the icy water and traced his finger over the center of the starfish’s body. It wasn’t slimy or slick, like a fish was, but kind of bony and smooth.   
    Duo kept his hand under the water, lightly touching the starfish, for several minutes until the cold water started to make his fingers feel numb. When he pulled his hand back out of the water, Heero climbed up onto the rock with him. They spent the next few hours lazily watching a few fish swim around the rocks, crabs scuttle in the shallow water below them, and feeling content in the other’s comforting presence. Duo wondered if the fish were a sign that the spring would come quickly this year, or if it was normal for some fish to swim in such cold water. When Heero’s watch told him it was noon, they left the rocks and hiked over to the tiny, seaside restaurant that Heero had talked about.  
    It wasn’t even really a restaurant, Duo realized, because there was no place to sit down and eat besides a couple of benches outside. Rather, you walked in, the old, screen door creaking as it opened and slamming shut with a bang, ordered your food, and left. He could see the cooks from the counter where they ordered and the combination of smells coming from the fast food of fries and meat, mixed with the salty sea air, made Duo feel hungrier than usual. Duo ordered a hamburger with fries and a root beer and Heero ordered a hot dog and some onion rings with a coke. Heero had never really gotten a taste for American French fries, but Duo had a small addiction to them.   
    They ate out at the benches, Heero looking around for anyone else that might be at the beach, but they were still alone. Duo ate most of his meal, giving the rest of the gulls, as he put it, as a kind of apology for chasing them. The two of them finished their meal quickly and raced each other back to the rocks. There were some clouds gathering in the blue horizon, but just enough to keep away the sun’s glare and Heero didn’t think it would rain. Far off on the beach, they could see a little boy with his father and some kind of large dog, but they were walking away from them. He and Duo stood side by side and watched the ocean waves as the wind picked up a little, making Duo’s braid sway on its own. Heero tried to remember the last time he had felt this kind of peace, but it was hard.   
    Even before Boston, there had been so much going on. It seemed like, ever since he had let Duo into his life, peace had become impossible. But it was a paradox. At the same time that the trials of Duo’s life had made his own life hard, without Duo… he never would have felt these small glimmers of true peace. And as much as Duo had disturbed his life, he had disturbed Duo’s. Noventa and Relena… Zechs and Wes… it was the nature of their friendship, of their relationship, he supposed. The same pain, the same joy one of them felt, the other felt as well. He knew that first hand. Every step Duo took that led him closer to being whole again, and every time he was painfully knocked down again, Heero felt it, too, because he loved him too much not to empathize with him.   
    Besides, even if he loved this peace, this contentment, Heero hadn’t just brought Duo out here to have a nice day at the beach. He wished that had been the case, but the truth was… the truth was that either today was going to be the last day they spent together as friends, or it would just be another day, a nice day in a long line of them. That he had been able to see Duo smile, really smile, was an added benefit, he just wished it wouldn’t be the only one. If anything, seeing that smile had made Heero realize that he had to do this, because they couldn’t go on… he really didn’t want to go on pretending that that smile didn’t mean anything, and the lack of it didn’t hurt him one bit.   
    “I don’t want this to happen to us,” Heero said suddenly, his voice breaking heavily through the silence.   
    They couldn’t even hear the shrieking gulls or barking dog anymore, just the waves. Duo looked over at his friend with an expression of deep sadness. He didn’t have to ask Heero what he meant. He knew. He felt his breath catch in his throat for a second and his heart started to race. They were going to talk about it now, weren’t they? After all this time… he still wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about it. He had spent his entire life trying to avoid painful things, but even he understood that there were some things he couldn’t run away from, and this was something that he didn’t want to.   
    “I… I don’t want it to happen, either,” he whispered.  
    Heero looked at him, literally feeling a seriousness in the air. But… oddly, it didn’t destroy the familiarity they had finally found again, it only strengthened it, and along with it, Heero felt a strange kind of relief, the kind of relief you felt when you finally had to get a cavity taken out. Yes, the procedure hurt, but sometimes it was the waiting and wondering that was even more painful. They had finally taken these last steps… even if Heero knew this conversation was going to be painful, and it might not end the way he wanted it to, or some even more painful things might be said, at least they were here. And wasn’t just admitting they didn’t want their friendship destroyed the hardest part? Didn’t that mean that they were both willing to fight for it? If Duo hadn’t said that… Heero thought that his heart might have torn to shreds.   
    “You’re my best friend,” Heero admitted freely, “I don’t think there’s a single thing that can happen to change that.”  
    He saw the confusion in Duo’s eyes and it made Heero’s heart hurt all the more. Were they so screwed up that Duo thought he would stop being friends with him? Never. It would never happen. No matter what… it was just a fact, something he could never change, even if he wanted it.   
    “I’ve been friends with Quatre and Trowa since I was very, very young, and until I met you, I considered them my best friends, that’s true, but we have is… its different… its special. You can feel that, too, right?” Heero asked desperately.  
    He needed Duo to say it, he needed the violet eyed boy to say that their friendship was just as important to him as it was to Heero. To Heero’s immense relief, Duo nodded.   
    “I’ve… I’ve never had a friend like you,” Duo admitted, looking down at the sand, “I always spent my life alone. That was the very first thing I remember, besides the hunger, waking up and wondering why I had no one near me. It seemed like, no matter what I did, I couldn’t hold to anything or anyone. Every time I found someone, they died. I thought I was destined to be alone, that it was just my nature. But, I often thought that, if that were true, then why was I so lonely? If it’s in your nature to be alone, then why did it hurt? Then, I found Amaaya and the others and I realized just how lonely I really was. But even though I called them my friends, in reality, I couldn’t see them often and we were all the same. That’s probably why we connected so easily. Just like me, they all have secrets, so at the same time I felt very close to them, we were also very distant. When I went to school for the first time, I wished, as hard as I dared to wish for anything, that I would meet a friend, just one. Someone I could hold on to and tell my secrets to, without being afraid of being judged or having them leave me all alone again. Then… I met Zechs. I think, when he started to bully me and got a bunch of other kids to join in on it, I finally gave up trying to make friends. It didn’t matter how lonely I was, I was just so tired of being hurt by people.”  
    Duo lifted his head and his eyes met Heero’s. The Japanese boy almost flinched at the swirling emotions in those eyes.  
    “When we first met, I didn’t try to ignore you and push you away because you were rich or arrogant,” Duo told him, “I mean, yes, I knew you were those things and they irritated the hell out of me, but it wasn’t just that. For the first time since I had met Zechs, someone was paying attention to me, had some kind of interest in me. I couldn’t trust you. Even if I could, there was no way I wanted to let you in. It was too dangerous, because of my secrets, and because I knew how painful friendship is. You were so full of yourself… and I hated you for it. I was so sure that you were playing some nasty trick on me, maybe to earn your spot past being the ‘new kid’. But you were so damned persistent! When you sat down with me at lunch, I just wanted to throw you off my tail. When I agreed to sleepover, at first it was just because I didn’t want any attention drawn to me, didn’t want you asking too many questions, but really, I think even then, I was so lonely it didn’t matter anymore and there was this weird part of you that I liked. Not the arrogant bit, but how you didn’t feed into Zechs’ bullshit and how stubborn you were. And eventually…” Duo’s expression became devastatingly shy, “You became someone very special to me. You’re more than just a friend. I trust you, completely. That’s the one thing I can give easily, but I trust you more than anyone else. Even though I’m very good friends with Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei, and I love them very much, they will never touch on what we have. You saved me in my darkest moments, hell, you saved my _life_. And I mean that quite literally. If you hadn’t found me that night, even if those wounds hadn’t killed me, and I’m sure they would have, I would have ended it myself.”  
    Both Heero and Duo shuddered with that memory. Duo subconsciously touched his side where there was still a terrible scar from having his spleen removed. Heero remembered how Duo had begged him to kill him, to end the pain, and almost hugged Duo right there. He ran a shaky hand through his messy bangs.  
    “God,” he whispered in a broken voice, “Before I met you, I thought I could handle anything. I had lost my father, but I had built up this… wall around myself, this impenetrable wall where I was the biggest badass on the planet. I knew everything, I was untouchable, and nothing could ever phase me. But that day, in Boston, chained to that bed frame in that dirty hotel room… fuck, when that bastard cut you with that knife…”  
    Heero’s fingers twitched and he almost reached out to touch the faint scar on Duo’s neck.  
    “I’ve never been more terrified in my entire life,” he looked away from Duo, to hide how close to tears he was.  
    Duo stared at his best friend, guilt tearing at his insides. Of course Heero had been afraid, at that moment, Chris had shown him that he was going to kill the both of them. And it had been because of him. Why Heero didn’t hate him for that was still a mystery to him. He didn’t think that he would ever be able to forgive himself for what had happened in Boston. It still haunted him, several weeks later. It had never really left his thoughts, Heero’s terrified eyes and the gleam of that sharp knife.   
    “I’m sorry,” he whispered, so low that Heero almost missed it.  
    He looked at Duo in confusion. What could he possibly have to apologize for that he would use such a broken tone? He should be the one to say it… this was why he had brought Duo out here, right? To tell him how sorry he was and beg him, on hands and knees if he had to, for forgiveness, so they could get their friendship back on track again, because Heero wanted to believe that that was all it would take, just knowing that Duo could forgive him.   
    “It was all my fault,” Duo’s tone was haunting in the silence of the beach, “If it weren’t for me, none of that would have happened.”  
    “Duo, that’s not-,” Heero started to protest.  
    “Yes, it is!” Duo snapped, looking back out at the water and Heero hated how dark his expression was.   
    Duo didn’t even think about Heero protesting that it was his fault. Heero had to have blamed him. No one was that… kind, that forgiving. He had dozens of memories of his best friend that said differently, but he couldn’t believe that. He certainly blamed himself, so why wouldn’t Heero blame him, too?  
    “It _is_ my fault,” he murmured, “No one should have ever gotten involved with me… with my past… with Chris. If we had never met, you never would have been targeted by him. You were kidnapped and almost _murdered_ because I couldn’t be alone anymore, because I can’t save anyone! I’m helpless, completely useless, and if that weren’t bad enough, I drag everyone down with me! Quatre was attacked by Zechs, Wufei was almost killed by Wes, and all of you keep trying to help me, even when I do nothing but hurt you and put you in danger! I’m better off alone. No, everyone would be better off if I were dead! Ever since we were kidnapped, I realized that. That no matter how hard I try, I can’t change enough. And I can’t protect any of you from my past. I’ve been trying to deny it since then, but I know that’s the truth. I couldn’t protect you from Chris and I can’t protect any of you from Wes, either. I’m useless. It was my problem, just my problem, and I should have handled it. But I couldn’t even save you. He fucking _unchained_ me, and I didn’t do anything! I should have tried to do something, anything at all, but I failed. I failed _you_! Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? You’ve done so much for me, and when it came time to save you, I was just a victim again. No matter what I do, I’m trash. I put you in danger, when all you’ve done is tried to help me. What kind of friend does that?”  
    Hearing his own thoughts of failure being thrown back in his face through Duo, Heero froze. Then, with a deep growl, he grabbed Duo by his shoulders, forcing him to face him, and gave him a small shake.  
    “Are you even listening to yourself?!” he demanded, not knowing which emotion was filling his heart more, sadness or anger, “How can you say all that?! How can you possibly believe that what happened in Boston is all your fault?!”  
    “Because it is!” Duo shot back, “Even if Trowa and Name say that it isn’t my fault, how can you not think it? You were there with me in that room. It’s like you said, you were terrified. Hell, you almost died, all because of me. Because of my past. I knew that there would be danger as long as Chris and Wes were alive, and they knew we were friends, but I ignored it. I wanted things to be normal, just for once in my life… but it wasn’t worth it. Your life wasn’t worth it…”  
    “Dammit, I don’t think that!” Heero insisted, “Not for a minute did I ever think something so terrible! How can you say that? How can you believe it? Duo… No one should have gotten involved in your past? Everyone would be better off if you were dead? It was your problem? After all this time, you still don’t get it. Do you think this is a game? Do you think that my mother agreed to let you live with us because she thought it would be fun?! We knew that there was danger, but we took you in to protect you. Why do we deserve to be safe more than you do? That’s why my mother can’t possibly blame you for what happened. She wants to protect you, to make sure that you’re safe. We don’t want you to face this alone! We would never want that. You think that we would all be better off if you were dead or we had never met? Well, you’re dead wrong! Until I met you, I didn’t have a life worth living. So what if my family is rich and I’m set for life? That just meant that I had nothing to strive for. All I ever had was family, the people that I loved, and when my father died, I lost that, that feeling of certainty in that love. When I met you, I understood what was important. I got that certainty back. I became vulnerable again, in my heart and from the scum that threatens you, too. But I’m vulnerable to all the things I had been denying myself, too. For the first time in my life, I’m actually looking forward to my future with excitement, not boredom and surety. I don’t want to know what’s going to happen. I’d rather be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life than live a life without you, without that spark. I never cared about the danger that your past brought with it, as long as I knew that I could protect _you_. I’m in danger all the time, from Mom’s enemies, but until now, I thought we could be safe. It isn’t my own life that I’m worried about… I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.”  
    Duo’s eyes were wide as Heero ranted, the Japanese boy’s voice twisted with frustration and pain. Heero… didn’t blame him? He really didn’t? No, more than that… he was saying that he could never blame him. He had never really thought about any of that… that Heero and Name cared more about protecting _him_ than they did about whether or not he was putting _them_ in danger. He hadn’t thought about the fact that Heero was in danger daily just by being a Yuy. He had put him in danger, his best friend; that had been his one consuming thought these past few weeks. But… Heero said that he was someone precious to him… that made his heart soar, it made him want to let go of all the fears and anxieties that had been plaguing him. He was someone special… and even after everything that had happened, Heero still wanted him in his life… that meant more to him than anything.  
    Heero saw the shock in Duo’s eyes and mentally swore at himself. They had spent all this time wallowing in misery because of misunderstandings. Duo thought it was his fault because of his past and Heero thought it was his fault because he had broken his promise to always protect Duo. They had both blamed themselves and had thought that the other blamed them, too. But all this time… Duo hadn’t hated him or distrusted him, he had been hurting because of guilt. Even now, they weren’t understanding each other. Where had that trust gone? Not all that long ago, they had known each other’s thoughts and fears, yet in a single incident, they had lost it. Had they really been broken so easily? Or had it all been under the surface, just waiting for a weak moment to hit the places where they were the most vulnerable? His hands tightened on Duo’s shoulders, though he was careful not to hurt him.  
    “I wasn’t scared because I knew I was going to die. I mean, of course I was scared of dying, but when he pressed that knife to your throat… I thought I was going to die just from the fear of losing you,” he confessed, Duo’s shocked look spurring him forward, “You say that it’s your fault because you left me vulnerable to the demons from your past, but that’s bullshit. It’s not like you wanted this to happen! If you had had your way, those bastards would have faded from your life without so much as a whimper! How can I blame you for what happened, knowing… remembering how much it hurt you, too?! Hell, I know it hurt you worse, and I’m not talking about almost dying or the wounds he gave you, I’m talking about the terror I saw in your eyes when he showed up! You scared the hell out of me that day with that look and I finally realized the kind of life you had lived before I found you bleeding in my room that night. If you’re so set on blaming yourself for this, then you have to blame me, too!”  
    “Blame you?” Duo whispered, “But… you didn’t do anything to make blame you…”  
    “That’s just the point,” Heero said sharply, his hands dropping from Duo’s shoulders, guilt filling his deep blue eyes, “I didn’t _do anything_! I was so useless,” he whispered, “You say you were useless, but that isn’t true. Because of you, we got out of there. You were in so much pain, anyone else in your condition wouldn’t have done all that, but you did. How can you call yourself useless? All that blood… but you kept fighting. Don’t you ever call yourself trash! I was so proud of you in that moment… and so ashamed of myself. You shouldn’t have been the one to do it, you were wounded, and I was powerless. Seeing you fight so hard… I felt ashamed.”  
    “You can’t say that,” Duo protested, “You were chained, you couldn’t do anything to stop it!”  
    “And you could?” Heero shot back, “You say you didn’t do anything, but you did when you could. You say I was chained down, so I can’t blame myself, but you couldn’t even fucking _move_. Why should I blame you, when I watched you lying there like a doll?! I can’t imagine what it was like for you, but I know that, if you could have done something, you would have. But it’s more than just me being powerless, I put us in danger. I was more than just powerless to save us, I was powerless to even comfort you. All I wanted was to protect you. I promised you would be safe, I promised that hundreds of times, but I failed you. I can’t handle that! I can’t handle knowing that I can’t do all those things I promised you! I knew that you lived a dangerous life, but in Boston, I allowed us to be separated from our friends. Not only that, I took us down a side street. I made us vulnerable! It’s my fault that Chris even had an opportunity to kidnap us! And when I saw that… that bastard, when I realized who he was to you, I vowed I would kill him. That, somehow, I would annihilate him for all that he did to you, but I couldn’t even do that! I didn’t do anything at all. And I couldn’t comfort you. I might have been chained up, but I couldn’t even make things easier for you. I saw how much you were suffering, and I did nothing. I didn’t even have the words… in the end, I was useless. All I wanted was to tell you that everything was going to be ok, even if it was a lie, but seeing him do those things to you… I lost my words.”  
    Heero turned away from Duo, his eyes shining with unshed tears.  
    “Fuck,” he whispered, feeling like his heart was breaking, “He _raped_ you, right in front of me. You told me about what Wes did to you, but to actually see it… I’ll never forget that, I’ll never forget how it made me feel. My heart was tearing, I wanted to scream and bash his head in with my bare hands! I wanted to throw up… and I couldn’t protect you from that! How can you look at me, knowing that I let that happen?!”  
    Duo grabbed Heero’s arm and forced him to look at him. An aching pain filled him as he realized that Heero had been crying.  
    “Heero… don’t… it wasn’t like that,” his voice was just as pained as his chest, “I don’t blame you, I really don’t. I had so much fun before all that happened, I didn’t even think about danger, so how could you have? Chris would have come for me no matter where we were. He could have taken me right out of the hotel room. It had nothing to do with you taking me down a side street. I never expected you to fight Chris, even if you did, you wouldn’t have won. It was a good thing that you were tied down, or he would have killed you on the spot! Do you really think I wanted that? You killing yourself to avenge me? What would be the point of that?! You’re my friend… I don’t want you hurt because of me… that’s why it was so painful… knowing you might die because of me. It’s true… when he was raping me, I wanted you to comfort me. I’m that weak… even when you could have died, all I wanted was some comfort. But just knowing you were there was enough to me. Don’t you get it? If you hadn’t been there… I never would have gotten out alive. I would have given up. Because you were there… you gave me the strength to fight. You say it tore you up inside to see me raped… how do you think I felt knowing you were there, watching that?! You have no idea how it feels to know you saw what I’m really like!”   
    “What you’re really like?” Heero asked in confusion.  
    Hearing that Duo didn’t blame him at all was like a steel door had opened inside of him, but hearing the pain in his voice made it bitter. Duo looked away, suddenly ashamed to meet his gaze.  
    “That was Chris’ point, wasn’t it?” Duo said angrily, “To show you what I’m really like… Who I was with them, and who I am now are completely different people. Back then… I was like an animal, lonely and ravenous for any kind of attention. I was a pervert and a whore, even though I hated it, sometimes it felt good and I hated that about myself. I was a victim, and I hated that, too. I couldn’t fight back. I was useless, hopeless, nothing but a… a slut, waiting for my master to fuck me again, not because I wanted it, but because that was my purpose. Sex was all that I knew, it was all that I was. When you guys took me in, I tried so hard to leave that person behind, I tried to be better. But Chris taught me that I can’t deny my past. I never wanted you to see that part of me! I would have rather died than have you, of all people, know what I’m really like. Just knowing that you were watching me being raped… watching what I was like… it made me feel so embarrassed and disgusted in myself. I knew… in that moment… we couldn’t be friends after that, that I had destroyed everything. How could I ever look you in the eye again, knowing you would be replaying that scene over and over again, being disgusted in me, and angry that I had forced you into that situation? When I realized we could never go back to being friends… I wanted to die. This friendship means everything to me! All I could think was that I’m destined to go through the same pain over and over again. I’m destined to be raped… I’m destined to be a whore… and I’m destined to lose everything that’s important to me. Everything that I love and makes me want to live. I never wanted you to see that… to know that I can’t be anything but… but that despicable person.”  
    “Duo…” Heero whispered in shock, putting a hand on his friend’s arm, “You’re wrong. You’re so wrong… You aren’t made up by two people. You’re just you, no matter who you live with or what you do. You’re Duo, not a whore and someone wanting to be better. Those people are the same person. Even back then, you wanted to be better, you yearned for it, but you couldn’t pull yourself up on your own. That’s the only difference. Sex isn’t who you are, it was something that was forced upon you, but it isn’t your destiny! Yes, you’ve seen a lot of hardship in your life, but it was out of your control. You aren’t powerless anymore. Chris was a part of that old life, a part you hate. If you were destined for that life, then what are we doing here, together? If our friendship is doomed, then why are we trying to fix it? If you fight against it, you can’t call it destiny. Chris did show me your true self. He showed me a boy who wants more than anything to not feel pain and shame anymore, a boy who, even bleeding all over the place and in terrible pain, somehow can find the strength to fight back. I’m not ashamed of you, I’m so proud. You’ve gone through so much, but you’re still strong, still fighting. You haven’t given up. If you had, you never would have come to live with us. This friendship isn’t dead, it’s still fighting. You’re not a whore, you’re the boy-,”  
    ‘That I love,’ Heero bit his lip to keep the thought from flying out there.  
    “You’re the boy that I care for so much, I can be in this much pain from this… this damage in our relationship,” he corrected himself, “If I didn’t care this much, I would have given up, too,” he ran his hand through his hair again, “I just feel like… like I don’t know what you need anymore. We’ve let this… gap happen between us and you’ve felt abandoned because of it. You wouldn’t be thinking these things if it weren’t for that. I used to know your insecurities so well, and you knew mine. But I’ve lost my confidence, ever since that day…”  
    “That’s not true,” Duo said softly, feeling twisted up inside at hearing Heero say he didn’t think he was a bad person.  
    That had been consuming him for so long, but Heero had never thought of him that way and he suddenly felt foolish. Heero cared for him… his past was a part of him, but he didn’t think that made him dirty or useless. It was… freeing. Could they make this work? He wanted to believe in what Heero was saying so badly…   
    “You’ve always known what I’ve needed,” he said, “You’ve been there for me. Even when we weren’t talking to each other, when I had nightmares, when Wes came for me, you were there. You’ve always been there for me. I’ve just been too stupid to acknowledge it. Even when we’ve pushed away from each other, we were just fooling ourselves, weren’t we? We were still there, together. I know… I know I hurt you when I flinched from you… and I never wanted to hurt you…”  
    “You don’t have to explain it,” Heero said sadly, “I know you’ve been struggling with all of this…”  
    “And you haven’t?” Duo shot back, “You’ve just told me how much you’ve been hurting lately. And I do have to explain it, because it isn’t fair to you. It’s like you said. We’ve always had something special, and I almost ruined it. Or maybe we both did, I don’t know. When we were saved, all I could think of was that you had to be furious at me for putting your life in danger. I was so scared of that… not you, I was never afraid of you and I never thought you would hurt me. I didn’t flinch from you because of that. I was just so terrified of you hating me, of being mad of me, of not respecting me anymore… I couldn’t bear the thought that you might be ashamed of me. Yes, I’m scared of Wes and Chris, and what they could do to me and all of you, but the one thing I’ve been the most scared of is losing your respect. When I flinched from you, you looked so angry… and you yelled at me in that room… I thought it had to be true, that you hated me.”  
    Heero shook his head.  
    “I was never mad at you. I could never be mad at you, especially not then. I was so glad that you were safe, that you were still alive. I had been so sure that I was going to lose you… I was terrified and when they finally came for us… I wanted to scream with joy that you were going to be ok. When you tried to stand up, I yelled at you because I knew that you were in terrible pain and there was nothing I could do to help you. I was angry at myself. But I was so proud of you… the responsibility should have been mine, but even though you were wounded so badly, you did what had to be done. You saved us,” Heero whispered.  
    He watched in alarm as Duo started to cry, his face pinched in his attempts to stop the tears, and failing.  
    “You could have died,” the longhaired boy gasped out between his small sobs, “You could have died and I was so scared. I’ve faced death so many times, but the thought of losing you… that day… I felt something inside of me break. It’s been so hard… just believing that you’re still safe, that everything turned out ok. It’s been so easy blaming myself for it, because I feel like I’m still losing you. I just want everything to be ok! I want them to leave me alone… to leave you alone, but I can’t do anything about it! And that hurts… to think that I might still lose you.”  
    Seeing Duo cry broke through Heero’s last, lingering resolve not to touch Duo unless he showed that he wanted it. He hugged his best friend tightly, wanting to cry himself when Duo settled against him instead of pushing him away. Were they getting over their problems? Could they… could they forgive themselves?   
    “I felt the same way,” Heero whispered to Duo, “I feel that, no matter how strong I become, this has proven to me that I’m powerless to protect you. I don’t want to lose you, either. Hell,” he chuckled darkly, “Ever since I was released from those damned cuffs, this is all I wanted to do, just hug you as tightly as I could, but I could never reach out until you did. I was too scared that, if I did, you would push me away. Even when you flinched from me, you never said you wanted to stop being friends with me. I clung to that. But if you actually, physically pushed me away… then I would know…”  
    “That’s why I kept flinching from you,” Duo confessed in a near murmur, “Because of that stupid, broken part of me that blamed me for everything and felt this terrible guilt… At first, I thought it was because I didn’t want to dirty you, that you had seen this terrible part of me and that meant all that filth was on the surface and I couldn’t bear to touch you knowing that… then I thought it was because I was sure you hated me, and that was a big part of it, but… Recently, I realized that, subconsciously, I was terrified of you getting close to me. You had just seen me be raped, had realized what my past was really like… I was terrified of you getting to close, of letting you in any further than you already had been. When I tried to imagine the others seeing me like that, it didn’t bother me as much as you seeing it and that’s how I knew you were getting too deep under my skin. I… I’ve never really let anyone _in_ before…”  
    Heero felt deeply flattered that Duo considered him that important and smiled. He let go of the other boy and brushed his knuckles over Duo’s pale cheek, pretending he had done it to brush Duo‘s hair away from his face.  
    “I never have, either,” he admitted, “I guess… that’s why I was blaming myself, too. I’ve never had a friend like you and there’s a part of myself that understands I’ll never find someone like you again. If I ever lost you… well, it was easy to hate myself thinking that I might lose you, all because I couldn’t keep a few promises,” he chuckled bitterly, “I mean, it took me this long just to take you to a beach. And… when we met your friend Amaaya in Boston, I had promised her that I would never, ever hurt you. But I did hurt you, by letting you suffer in that room, and I felt that I should be punished for it. I never wanted you to suffer and since I couldn’t punish Chris, I had to punish myself.”  
    Heero held Duo’s hand in his, marveling at its realness in the face of terrible memories of that knife at Duo’s throat.   
“I still feel like I’m trapped in that room,” Heero murmured, “I feel like I can’t help you and there’s something precious at stake. And there is, only this time it’s our friendship and not our lives.”  
Heero’s thumb traced over Duo’s knuckles, which made Duo blush darkly. It felt nice, that little bit of contact, and it made Duo’s heart race.   
    “All this time, we’ve been blaming ourselves and thinking that we’re blaming each other,” Heero summed up, “And that’s exactly what’s killing our relationship. How can we possibly move past this if we keep blaming ourselves? It’s just going to eat us up inside unless we can let go of it.”  
    “I don’t think I can ever stop blaming myself for what happened,” Duo told him, “Even now, knowing that you don’t hate me, I still feel that terrible guilt. You’re right, someone needs to be punished, someone needs to take the blame, because what happened was awful and it’s not exactly something I can let go of easily. Maybe before… but so much time has passed and that incident has consumed so much of my time and thoughts… how can I just let go?”  
    “How about we put the blame where it rightfully belongs?” Heero suggested.  
    Duo looked confused as Heero’s eyes hardened in deadly seriousness.   
    “Chris,” Heero told him, “You never asked to be kidnapped, you never asked for any of this to happen. You never asked for Wes to rape you, either. It was Chris who tried to kill us, not you and not me. Instead of asking who is to blame and wallowing in guilt, we should be blaming the man that raped you. Chris did this to us, so why should we blame ourselves.”  
    What Heero said made the most sense out of anything else he had heard about the kidnapping incident, but it was one thing to be told to let something that huge go and another to actually do it. Wasn’t it odd that, all this time he had spent pointing the finger at himself and thinking poorly of himself, that he had never once turned around and thought it was really Chris’ fault? Because it was. And he was tired of feeling guilty, but there was something in his heart that clung to that guilt, as though he thought that all of this was too good to be true.  
    “I know that,” he murmured, “But-,”  
    “But nothing,” Heero said firmly.  
    Suddenly, clarity hit him like a truck.   
    “There was nothing you could have done,” Heero realized out loud.  
    The color drained from Duo’s face, making him look like a ghost.  
    “There was nothing either of us could do,” the blue eyed teenager said with conviction, “What are we feeling guilty about? That we were helpless? Well, if that’s true, if we were helpless, what else could we have done? We survived, didn’t we? Isn’t that enough? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what I could have done to help you and I don’t want you to spend the rest of yours wondering what could have happened if Chris hadn’t focused his attention on me. I’ll always feel guilty about never being able to protect you. And I know you’ll always feel guilty about Chris attacking me, but I don’t want to lose our friendship over it!”   
    ‘There was nothing you could have done.’  
    For such a small concept, it was terrifying. It made Duo realize that he really had been completely helpless. But… at the same time… it was a huge relief. He couldn’t have done anything in that situation… he had spent these weeks wondering what he should have done, but in reality… Heero was right. They had both been powerless. There was nothing either of them could have done. They had done all that they could and because of it, they were both alive. So why were they feeling so guilty? Letting down a precious friend was painful, but losing one was even more painful. He almost gasped as something painful let go of his heart and for the first time since that trip, blessed relief filled him. He loved Heero, and he could never let him go. So why was he obsessing over his guilt when it was what was distancing them from each other. All of a sudden, none of it made any sense to him. He loved Heero and that was enough. If it wasn’t enough to overpower that guilt, then they might as well just walk away from each other in that moment.  
    “I don’t want to lose you,” Duo said with a sense of finality.   
    Heero smiled brightly at him, realizing what his best friend was saying. Yes, they were best friends… they had broken promises and failures and pain, but it never should have been enough to break their friendship. It wouldn’t be enough. It wasn’t his fault, Heero thought with an immense feeling of relief. It wasn’t either of their faults. A terrible thing had happened, but goddamn it, it was Wes and Chris’ faults, not theirs. He had never wanted Duo to be kidnapped or some sicko to try to kill him. It had just happened. And there was nothing he could have done. He had been chained down, powerless… and while it was painful to admit that, he could admit it now. He was powerless. But he loved Duo and when he could, he would protect him. And when he couldn’t, he would still be there for him.  
    Heero hugged Duo again, this time tighter, feeling that gap between them closing, though slowly. Duo smiled at the feeling of Heero’s strong arms around him. He wanted to feel this forever. He wanted this moment to last forever. He felt… he felt safe. Duo’s eyes widened at that realization. He felt safe. He almost laughed at himself. He had forgotten again. He had let his past, he had let Wes, steal something important from him. In Boston, it had been his security in his friendship, and now, it had been his security of his home. But what had changed? Nothing at all.   
    His home was still a sanctuary. It wasn’t because he was suddenly safer. No, he was no safer or in more danger than he had ever been. It was a sanctuary, not because it had anything to do with safety, but because it held the people that he loved. In that sense, it would always be the place that was the most sacred to him. It was the one place that he felt safest above all else, even if it wasn’t a fortress and never would be again. As long as he had Heero, Name, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei, it was the one place he always wanted to be. He refused to let his fear turn it into anything else. He closed his eyes, feeling the cool wind wash over him. There was no way in Hell he was going to let Wes gain power over that, over Name’s love and all the time she had spent in making him feel like one of the family. Wes wasn’t going to get the last laugh this time.   
    Wes wasn’t going to win this battle over his heart. Not this time.   
　  
End part 26  
　  
End Chapter 7


	47. The Second Son Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero and Duo resume their friendship after making amends for the kidnapping. Duo discovers that one of his teachers has tampered with his grade.

The Road to Kindness  
  
Chapter 8: The Second Son  
  
Part 1  
  
  
    Duo jolted awake as though he had been shot with a bolt of electricity. It was still the dark of the night, not even close to morning. There was no traffic out on the street, giving the Yuy home a deep silence, with the exception of the sounds of crickets, which had just started to sing as the weather had gotten warmer. The day had reached a high of 90 degrees, and even now the air would be stifling without the air conditioner. Still, Duo’s face was flush from exertion and he was covered in sweat, but it wasn’t from the temperature. His breath came out in whooshing pants that made his chest hurt, but he was barely aware of any of this as his heart pounded and disturbing thoughts filled his head.  
    He wasn’t safe. He could feel it, deep down in his bones. Somewhere, deep down inside, Duo was aware that he had just had another nightmare. It wasn’t nearly as bad as the ones he had had previously, just little over a month ago, but it was bad enough to leave him like this. He remembered the dark, the one element that chased him into all of his dreams, no matter what they were about. It was like many of the dreams that had plagued him ever since Wes had chained him to his bed. There had been that darkness, oppressive and thick, seeping into his lungs and filling him with disturbing thoughts and images with every breath that he took. It had held him down with such a power that no matter how hard he fought, he knew that he could never free himself from it.  
    He remembered, though it was completely dark, the impression of horrible shadows around him and the knowledge that they wanted to wanted to fuck him, wanted to beat him, wanted to play with him, wanted to _hurt_ him, but he couldn’t even scream, let alone try to run away. He remembered the feeling of those shadows running over his skin, and his intense desire to disappear from the fabric of existence, just like he had back then… back then, in that room and on that bed. He was out in the open again. On a bed again. And he knew that he wasn’t safe, that the shadows would come for him, just like in the dream, and they would touch him and hold him down. They would give him those nasty, bad thoughts and make him wish that he was free, just so he could end it all…  
    It was dark here. It was dark everywhere, like the shadows were the only thing that existed and they had swallowed up everything. He needed the light, he needed safety… he needed to hide, then the shadows wouldn’t get him…   
  
  
  
  
    It was kind of funny how life could turn full circle on you, yet never be completely the same, Heero thought as he lied awake in his bed, looking up at the ceiling. He still hadn’t bought that poster to put up there, and he felt like he really should if he was going to continue have nights when he couldn’t sleep, and was just staring up there. It almost felt like it had before, back when he hadn’t been talking to Duo, but it wasn’t. Over a month had passed since that moment on the beach and all of April had passed them by and now the last week of school was upon them, which was just weird to think of. When they had left that beach and gone home, Heero had assumed that it would be hard. Saying that they were going to fix their relationship was easy, but to actually do it, after all that time ignoring each other and their own needs, it wasn’t going to be easy.   
    It hadn’t turned out that way. Things had gone back to the way they had been like a switch had been thrown. It was like they had never been pushing away from each other to begin with. They fell back into old patterns and were open to each other with ease. It was a massive relief to both of them, Heero was sure. Duo certainly needed that stability in his life, and seeing the changes in him recently, back to someone who was gaining confidence and was trying hard to find the ground under his feet, made Heero question his readiness to hurt their relationship that way. He knew that he, personally, felt so much better with things back the way they had been before Boston, he could barely imagine how much better Duo was feeling.   
    The return of Duo’s confidence hadn’t been immediate. He had still suffered from terrible nightmares about Wes and his past, but Heero had made sure that he had been there to help him through it each time. It had been a severe change from letting Duo take care of things on his own and the benefit to his friend was obvious. It was enough to make him curse himself out for denying this for so long. Duo needed him. That was a fact and it became obvious to him each time Duo had a bad dream, only to relax and settle out of it when Heero was there for him. As the weeks had passed, and with Heero watching over his sleep, the more extreme of Duo’s nightmares had vanished. He still had bad dreams, but he was no longer trying to stave off sleep in fear of them.  
    The less nightmares that Duo had, the more sleep he got, so his problems with fatigue had almost completely vanished. There were still moments when Duo had to take naps, which greatly worried Heero, but they weren’t as frequent and he hadn’t had anymore blackouts. Duo was leaving the house more, too, and to the untrained eye, it seemed that he was getting over his paranoia about Wes, but Heero knew his best friend too well to be fooled by that. Duo was trying not to let Wes’ sudden presence bother him, was trying to act like everything was fine, but Heero saw how hesitant he was to leave the house for work and how alert and tense he was when he left the house.  
    He went to the movies and out to dinner, like they usually did, but it seemed like Duo only truly relaxed when he was surrounded by his friends. He seemed to be really trying to move on with his life, but Heero was worried that Wes’ re-emergence was straining his best friend. He knew very well how good Duo was at hiding his feelings. He would always be there for Duo. He had promised himself that back on that beach in late March. Even if Wes showed up again, even if things got painful and hard, he would be there, no matter what stupid fight they were in the middle of. But… it still wasn’t quite that easy. He still doubted that he had the ability to protect Duo. Boston and Wes’ assault had shown him how powerless he was and it had been a serious blow to his confidence, but even if he couldn’t do anything, he wouldn’t abandon Duo ever again.   
    For the life of him, he couldn’t understand why Duo had so much faith in him. What had he done to instill that utter belief in him? Duo’s heart seemed so big, so full of feeling, and he was constantly amazed that Duo always put him first, his feelings were always so strong when he was involved. He just felt so… so inadequate when it came to his best friend and crush. He loved him and he wanted to provide for Duo everything that he needed, so being unable to protect him from Wes was very painful. Thinking of all this, of the sudden disruption of their lives, gave Heero the powerful urge to check up on his friend. He had been doing that a lot lately, fuelled by Duo’s nightmares and paranoia that Wes might try to take him from the house.  
    With a sigh, Heero rolled off his bed. He didn’t know why, but he felt restless and couldn’t sleep. Maybe it was because of how hot it had been today, but he was sincerely glad that he wasn’t getting insomnia because he was being tortured by his own thoughts like he had been a month ago. Even if he couldn’t sleep, it was nice that the reason was different. As he passed by the basket where Angel and Cotton were sleeping, Cotton cracked one irritated eye at him. With a small smile, Heero knelt down and scratched his grey ear, making the cat purr. He had gotten used to their presence and his normal hesitance towards the animals had vanished. Actually, though he would never admit it out loud, he was becoming quite fond of them. Watching the two cats be so relaxed as they napped made Heero feel relaxed, too, and he was glad that he got to look after some of Duo’s cats. It might seem silly, but it made him feel more connected to him.  
    That feeling of contentment quickly vanished when Heero snuck into Duo’s room to check up on him, only to find the bed empty, the sheets tossed aside frantically. Heero’s heart started to race as he saw the open window. He knew that it had been closed before Duo had gone to bed, since his mother had them close all the windows when the air was on. He practically ran to the window. What if Duo had disappeared again? What if he was hurt or lost? What if Wes had taken him? He felt like he was hyperventilating, like his heart was going to explode. Had he failed again? He looked out the window in desperation, feeling like he was going to scream, thinking of Duo jumping out of this window…  
    Heero looked down at the height from the window to the ground and shook his head. Duo couldn’t have jumped from here without hurting himself. He was being stupid again, he had to be. And yet, his heart refused to settle. Duo had a habit of opening this window before he went to bed out of habit, even though Name scolded him for it when the air was on. There was a screen on the window to keep the mosquitoes out, so even if Duo or someone else had taken it out, it was unlikely they would have put it back on. Duo had to be here, in this room, or maybe he had gotten a glass of water. That was much more likely than the theory that he had jumped out the window in a fit. It didn’t make any sense, but his panic didn’t want to look at reason.   
    His deep blue eyes darted around the room, trying to find some clue as to where Duo was. He easily saw Sammy, not on his usual spot on the desk or bed, but sitting on the floor, oddly peering under the bed. With a shaking heart, Heero knelt next to the cat and looked where Sammy was looking. Sure enough, Duo was there, curled up tightly on the hard floor, his arms wrapped around Shiva, and his eyes half lidded from sleepiness, yet still very alert. It was almost eerie seeing those violet eyes looking at him from under the bed like that, but Heero only felt an immense relief that he had found him, and worried about why Duo was hiding underneath his bed. He suddenly noticed that Duo was shaking, like a terrified animal, and his worry grew.   
    “Duo, what’s wrong?” Heero asked in a soft, non-threatening tone, forcing himself not to reach out to his friend physically, knowing that would probably just scare him further.  
    He remembered previous times when Duo was like this and knew that logic didn’t really matter to the other boy in these ‘fits’. He needed to find a way to comfort him, to appeal to his base nature, his fear that was controlling him right now. Sometimes, it was hard to find out what had sparked that fear. Even when he was scared, Duo was a very closed off person when it came to his own feelings, but this time, Duo didn’t hesitate.  
    “It’s too dark,” the longhaired boy murmured.  
    Shiva’s golden eyes glowed through the shadows and Heero almost shivered with it combined to hearing Duo’s fear of the dark. At first he was confused since the orb on Duo’s desk was still lit, which was how he usually slept, but it wasn’t too hard for him to figure it out.   
    ‘He’s remembering when Wes chained him for those few weeks,’ Heero thought angrily, ‘He’s thinking about that time when he was trapped in that dark room, when he thought that he was going to die there, never to see the sun again. If he’s thinking that, it’s no wonder why he couldn’t sleep on his bed.’  
    Heero’s rage, remembering Duo talking about what Wes had done to him while they were all looking for him was so immense, it was almost a physical entity in his throat. Wasn’t it enough that Wes had taken Duo’s childhood from him, that he had raped and abused him for all those years? For him to do something so cruel, so inhumane, it was hard for Heero to even consider. Once again, he was struck with the thought that he had no idea where he stood. How could he possibly comfort Duo against a memory that dark and twisted? The singular event that Duo constantly equated with the breaking of his mind? The thing that had made him doubt reality? But he had to try. He knew that much, he had to try.   
    “Please come out,” he tried to coax his best friend, “That can’t be very comfortable. And the floor is so cold, you’ll make yourself sick.”  
    To the Japanese boy’s dismay, Duo shook his head vehemently, too lost in his memories and his fear of any kind of darkness to come out. Would the longhaired boy always be like this, Heero wondered. Would he always be terrified of the dark because of what Wes had done to him? Wasn’t there anyway to show him that the dark didn’t need to be feared anymore?   
    “Nothing will hurt you,” Heero told him, “It’s just me.”  
    “You promise?” Duo asked, sounding like he was pleading, his voice small and vulnerable like it always was when he was having a panic attack.   
    Heero hesitated, the words that he needed to say were on his tongue, but his heart wasn’t sure if they should spill out. How could he possibly trust his own promises anymore? Duo said that it was ok, that he didn’t think of it that way, but it still made Heero’s heart hurt, knowing that all those old promises had fallen flat. He had promised Duo that he would never have to have sex again unless he wanted it. Chris had kidnapped and raped him. Heero had promised him that he would never be in danger, that he would always protect him. Wes had shot him. In the face of that, promises seemed so silly, and yet… and yet they were everything to Duo, so they were everything to Heero. If they didn’t have these promises, these beliefs, what was there? Those promises were their desires to keep this relationship going.   
    “I promise you,” Heero said easily, with passion and a soft smile, “As long as I’m here, the shadows will never be able to touch you.”  
    If those old promises had failed them, then he would just have to make new promises. It was just that simple. It always should have been that simple, but he had lost his faith. When he had lost his faith in those promises, he had killed them more than Wes had by making it impossible for him to protect Duo. He couldn’t do that again. Duo needed this too much, even if it was illogical, even if he couldn’t keep these new promises anymore than the old ones, Duo needed to believe in them, and Heero needed that, too.   
    From under the bed, Duo’s violet eyes widened in shock at Heero’s words. Those comforting words… he had missed them so much. It was one of the hundred things that had made him fall in love with his best friend, how easy it came to Heero to make him feel safe. Before meeting him, he had never felt safe, not for a single moment in his entire life. He had wondered, had feared, that he might not ever hear that comforting tone again, those promises… Heero just seemed so hesitant to promise him anything, and even if they were trying to mend their relationship, Duo constantly worried that they would be unable to. Those words told him that it was possible, they could let go of the past and keep moving forward. He realized that Heero understood. The blue eyed boy knew exactly what he was so scared of. Again and again, he was able to look inside of him like that. It was terrifying and wonderful at the same time, how Heero could see inside of his soul and know the right things to say and do to make him feel better after a life of hiding such things.   
    When Duo reached out a hand to Heero, the other boy took it. Duo’s hand felt cold and small in his larger one and Heero was suddenly overwhelmed by the thought of how vulnerable Duo still was after all this time. No, maybe he was even more vulnerable because he had things to lose. They had made him vulnerable. But at the same time, Duo had shown him an incredible strength and perseverance to keep on trying, to keep on living and surviving. The coldness of his hand seemed so lonely and Heero wanted to hug him. If bringing Duo here, to his home, and giving him a second chance had made him vulnerable, maybe it had made him strong, too. Heero helped his friend out from under the bed and Duo continued to kneel on the floor, looking around the room nervously. Somewhere deep inside, he knew that these fears of his were silly. There was nothing in his room that he should be afraid of, but his heart still raced with anxiety, his subconscious screaming at him to run, to find some place small where only he could fit, where no monsters or shadows could reach him.   
    “Stay here, ok?” Heero said, putting his hands on Duo’s shoulders.  
    Just the sound of Heero’s voice was enough to make those fears seem weak all of a sudden. It robbed the shadows of their strength over his heart and Duo nodded in agreement. Still, he felt exposed, like an animal caught in a trap, just waiting for the hunter to return. When Heero stood and left him, Duo felt an indescribable fear fill him, but fought down the urge to make a grab for Heero’s shirt. He had more pride than that. That was an alien concept like nothing else, him having any sort of pride. But he couldn’t deny the fact that he did have that. Just like Name and Heero’s love, that pride gave him strength, even if it was fleeting at times. Even if he could have some sort of control over those fears, Duo watched Heero’s every move, refusing to let the other boy out of his sight. He wondered if, one day, these nightmares and his dependency on other people would ever fade and he could stand on his own. He wondered if he was strong enough to find that place. He wondered if losing that dependency would make him stop trying to be normal, or if being independent _was_ the normalcy he had been yearning for for so long. Did it matter? In the end, after everything he had struggled against, he didn’t think he could go on without the friends and family he had finally found.  
    Heero made his way around the room, turning on every single light he came across, the one to his desk, the bedside lamp, the television, he even went into the bathroom and turned the lights on in there, keeping the door open. He didn’t care if the light streaming from under the door would inevitably draw his mother or friends’ attentions. He briefly remembered back when Relena had paid those boys to jump Duo and how Duo had been terrified of Heero leaving his sight. The longhaired boy looked scared now, too, but he didn’t yell for Heero to come back when he disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes. Heero easily felt a burst of pride about that. Duo was always disparaging himself, saying that for every step he took towards being stronger, he was really taking two steps back, in between his nightmares and panic attacks, but in reality, remembering how Duo was when they had first met, he had grown so much. He just wished that Duo could see that.   
    When Heero was done dispelling the room of the shadows that Duo was so terrified of, he returned to the violet eyed boy. He took the mattress off the bed, sheets and all, and pulled it to the ground. He had no idea if this would work, if it was the entirety of the bed that was bothering Duo, or if the mattress would be just as bad, but he knew that Duo wouldn’t be sleeping on the bed tonight and wasn’t willing to have him sleep on the hard, cold floor, either. To his relief, Duo gave him a small smile.  
    “Thank you, Heero,” he said in a voice as small as his smile, but just as genuine, too.  
    “It’s not a big deal,” Heero assured him, “We all get scared sometimes. There’s no shame in it, or in trying to find any kind of solution to that fear.”  
    “Even you?” Duo asked shyly, looking at Heero through his sleep mussed bangs.  
    The cuteness of the expression was robbed as Heero remembered when Wes shot Duo and the incredible terror he had felt afterwards, when his mother had woken him up in the waiting room and Heero had expected the worst, not to mention that dream he had had… He shuddered.  
    “Yes,” he confessed, “Especially me.”   
    Duo looked away from him, down at the floor in embarrassment.   
    “I’m sorry,” he murmured, “I’m sorry for acting this way. I shouldn’t let a stupid nightmare bother me this much,” Duo looked down at his hand, which was still shaking with nervousness, “I especially shouldn’t let it bother you. I’m sorry I can’t control myself better and I’m sorry I’m such a nuisance to you.”  
    Hearing Duo apologize so much, and saying that he was a nuisance, made something inside of Heero snap.  
    “Stop it!” he demanded tersely, “I hate it when you do this!”   
    Duo stared at him in shock for a moment, then swiftly looked away, his cheeks bright red with shame. Of course Heero hated it when he got like this. He was such a bother… Heero must be so sick with dealing with his problems by now, especially after Wes and Chris had threatened his life. Heero had his own problems, after what had happened with his father, then Relena, how could he ever ask his best friend to deal with his, too? He had to learn to deal with it on his own. He had to be stronger, so Heero would be proud of him… Duo’s shoulders began to shake as his thoughts echoed the ones that he had had back when he and Heero hadn’t been speaking with each other. He was too weak, he let such small things bother him constantly. He couldn’t get his feet under him, even after so much had happened and he was finally trying to get better. Why couldn’t he be strong, like Heero was? Why did he have to bother him and bring him down all the time?   
    Heero saw the heavy shame and embarrassment in Duo’s cloudy eyes and nearly slapped himself. It was happening again. They were misunderstanding each other and now Duo was in pain because of it. He was always fucking up his words like this. Why couldn’t he ever find the right ones to explain how he felt? Why did he always have to explode in anger in times like these, when Duo needed him to be patient and understanding? But hearing him say such things, that he was being a nuisance and that he was weak made him so angry. Not at Duo. It wasn’t his friend’s fault that he felt that way. It wasn’t even solely Wes. Though the bastard had made Duo subservient and meek, Duo had lived his childhood believing that he was nothing, that he was trash. So, it was easy for Heero to understand why Duo thought he was being a nuisance whenever Heero tried to help him through one of his panic attacks. The teenager actually believed that they were going to get tired of helping him, because no one had ever helped him in the past. He didn’t understand how people who loved each other, who loved _him_ were like. He didn’t get the concept of unconditional love. Duo loved them, but someone loving him was alien.   
    Just thinking of that made Heero’s heart hurt. He had no right to yell at Duo like that just because he was upset. He supposed that that pain was just a sign that of how passionately he loved Duo, but it was hard to control his anger at Duo’s situation. Desperate to wipe that doubting, ashamed look from his friend’s place, Heero gently touched Duo’s cheek, making him look up at him.  
    “I hate it when you pretend like everything is fine,” Heero said in a gentler tone, “I hate it when you brush everything off as something that shouldn’t bother you and say that you’re just being a bother. I hate it when you say that your past shouldn’t bother you anymore. The reason why you have these panic attacks is because of your past, so don’t say that it doesn’t bother you. I was there when you told us about your childhood, I saw you cry, so don’t say you should be past it by now. There isn’t an expiration date to your problems! There _shouldn’t_ be an expiration date! This is your mind, your heart, your past! It’s what shaped you and no matter how much you try to deny it, you’ll never be able to and you know that. Brushing it off as something that doesn’t matter and trying to ignore these attacks, these nightmares, isn’t going to do anything to help you. It’s just going to make it harder for you to get the help that you need. By saying you’re a bother to me, you’re denying yourself that bit of comfort and you’ll never move on from it. You aren’t a nuisance to me. Not now, not ever, do you understand that? As long as you need me, I’ll be here and it won’t ever be a chore. That’s what being a friend is. I want you to get better as much as you do. Please remember that and never be ashamed of your problems. I’m not.”  
    Duo stared up at him, his deep violet eyes wide and wet with unshed tears that he couldn’t stop. He struggled against those tears, but it seemed useless. He had no idea what to say. Every time he thought that Heero was looking down on him, he found out that he was just blowing things out of proportion. Heero was kind, so incredibly kind… he never looked down on him or judged him, so why was he always misunderstanding him? Why couldn’t he just believe that Heero would never give up on him? Maybe he loved him so much, it was too hard for him to believe that Heero could care for him that much, because he knew how much it hurt when you were eventually betrayed. But he knew that Heero wasn’t like that. He kept expecting Heero to give up on him, but he still hadn’t. He needed to believe in him so badly…  
    “I’m glad you’re here,” Duo blurted out.  
    Heero smiled at him, easily understanding that ‘I’m glad you’re here’ really meant ‘I’m glad we’re still friends’ and ‘I’m glad we’re talking again.’ He pulled the other boy into a tight hug, feeling like his heart was melting when Duo hugged him back, just as tightly, burying his face in Heero’s shoulder. Heero realized that at some point, Duo’s little tremors in his shoulders and hands had eased off. Duo didn’t even realize it. He was too busy thinking about how much he loved Heero and how happy he was that they were trying to fix things. How could they have ever even considered letting this break? He needed this too much to just give up on it. He had given up on so much in his life, his dreams, his innocence, his childhood, friendship, and love… It was such a relief, and so terrifying, having this bond with Heero and his family. It felt so good to be connected to something, to not feel like he was walking through a dream anymore, but also frightening to know how much he could lose if he screwed up.  
    Heero let go of the shorter boy and let him sit on the mattress. Shiva and Sammy wandered over and sniffed at the bundle of blankets. Heero’s hand lingered on Duo’s shoulder and he felt like his insides were going to explode with happiness when Duo didn’t shrug him off or flinch. He couldn’t remember a time when he was so overwhelmed with happiness and relief.  
    “Please, try to go back to sleep,” he urged, worried about how tired Duo looked.  
    He wished that there was some kind pill that Duo could take to get rid of these nightmares. He knew that there were medications that he could take to help with his anxiety, but Wufei had told Duo that his problems weren’t like a general anxiety disorder. He most likely had some kind of post traumatic stress disorder and as long as his severe triggers remained, he would continue to have panic attacks. But if they could get rid of his dreams, Heero was sure that it would go a long way to helping Duo with those panic attacks. After all this time, with all the medication, technology, and knowledge that humans had, dreams were just one of those things that were still mysterious. They seemed so pointless, but without them, a person could actually become mentally and physically unstable. Duo shook his head and looked away from Heero, his eyes clouding over again with that expression that made him look like he was lost and scared, trapped some place that Heero couldn’t see or touch.      
    “I’m scared,” he confessed.  
    Even with Heero here, the thought of going to sleep scared him. He didn’t want to dream about Wes or the shadows anymore. He wanted some kind of respite. He thought about his past and the man that was stalking him enough when he was awake. He wanted to dream something nice for a change, but it seemed like the only dreams he remembered were terrible, and if he couldn’t remember a nice dream, it was like it never happened, so what was the point?   
    “I promised you that you would be safe with me and I meant it,” Heero reminded him, “If you have a nightmare, I’ll wake you up. And if it’s something real, I won’t let it hurt you.”  
    “You’ll stay with me?” Duo asked meekly, hating himself for his neediness, but loving the way that Heero’s confidence made him feel.  
    It was like he was soaking up Heero’s strength and assurances like he was a sponge or towel, the more that Heero said that he would make sure he was safe, the more he believed that his friends could do it. He had never had that before meeting Heero. He loved Shi, Solo, and the others, but they had been living their own nightmares and had been ill suited to helping him with his. Maybe that was why Heero was so good at this, he was separate from the nightmares, so he could also separate Duo from his, but he was so kind and empathetic, he could understand how Duo was feeling. It made him want to curl up into Heero’s lap and let him take care of him as though he were a tiny child, something that he had never been in his entire life that he could remember.   
    “Of course,” Heero said with a smile, “Whatever you need.”   
    Heero readily lied down next to Duo on the mattress, remembering a time, not too long ago, when he would have been too nervous to do even this, too afraid of Duo pushing him away to try to help him. He couldn’t even imagine doing that now. It just seemed so easy, lying down next to him. His heart was pounding and the thought of the possibility that their skin might touch was powerful, but he no longer felt that that was a bad thing. It excited him and didn’t make him feel guilty. He liked sleeping with Duo, even if there could be nothing sexual about it and it drove him insane sometimes, it was nice, too. It just drove home to him that as much as he wanted Duo to be his boyfriend, they were best friends first and that was just as important. In the past, he had always assumed that lovers were better than friends, they were more important and more emotional, but he loved Duo just as much as a friend as he would if they started dating, which he considered as something that was impossible.  
    They laid down facing each other and Duo closed his eyes almost the second that Heero pulled the sheets around them. Heero lightly brushed his cheek.  
    “Go to sleep, ok?” he said softly.  
    Duo hummed in affirmative, already half asleep, as though his fear had just been an illusion. Heero smirked at his friend and closed his eyes, too. When he felt Sammy crawl in between them, he put his hand on the cats back and Sammy let him, purring deeply. He didn’t analyze the sudden thought that he hadn’t felt this much at _home_ since his first house in Japan, when his father had still been alive. He didn’t dwell on the fact that this place, that he thought he would hate, had suddenly become a place that he couldn’t bear to leave.  
  
  
  
  
    For once, when he woke up with Heero mere inches from him, the older teen’s arm around his waist, Duo didn’t feel embarrassed. There was a deep warmth inside of him that made him want to fall back asleep, even though his clock told him that he couldn’t if he didn’t want to miss school. He hadn’t dreamt, not in any way that he could remember, so if he had, it hadn’t been bad. With Heero’s arm around him, Duo had the bold urge to curl up against Heero’s strong chest and had to roll off the mattress to quell it. Heero felt the mattress shift as Duo left it and woke himself. The two boys quickly put the mattress back on the bed and got ready for school, as though Duo’s panic attack had never happened. Duo didn’t talk about it or apologize for it, either, for which Heero was thankful. He didn’t want to hear his best friend apologizing about his faults anymore.   
    As soon as Heero left him alone in his room, Duo’s motions slowed and he sighed. He ran his hand over his flat stomach mournfully. More than just his relationship with Heero had been mended since that day on the beach when they had confessed their fears to each other. Since then, he hadn’t had any of those strange blackouts, which had gone a long way to healing his fears over falling asleep. His nightmares were better, too. He didn’t dream about Heero getting raped and killed anymore. He didn’t dream about Boston anymore, just that dark room with the chains and the shadows. That was probably one dream that he could never shrug off. To do that, he would have to look back on it and understand it, understand his fear and why that single moment had broken him so quickly. He was too much of a coward to visit those memories of isolation and terror, his belief that he would die that way, chained to a bed. He had only been able to look back on their kidnapping in Boston because Heero had been there to lead him and he found that he was so much stronger with his best friend by his side.   
    Not everything had gotten better, though. His appetite had gotten better, he supposed, because he felt like eating, but instead of a lack of appetite, he now had constant stomachaches, like the one that he had now. He wasn’t sure if he liked the trade off. He wanted to eat, but it hurt, so he was still forcing himself to consume anything. They weren’t constant, but it felt like there was a tight, twisting band around his stomach that kept relentlessly squeezing him. If that wasn’t bad enough, he kept getting headaches, too, these terrible, intense pains in his head that were a cross between pressure and stabbing aches. It felt like there was something inside of his brain, eating away at him. Whenever he had one, it was impossible to think or do much of anything but concentrate on the pain.   
    Duo was no stranger to headaches. Wes had slammed his head around enough times that he had gotten used to them, but these felt different. He couldn’t even explain why, but these felt unbearable, different from the times when he had gotten concussions, and they made him feel like he was going to throw up, though he never did. For once, as soon as these problems had started, Duo had told Name about them. After telling Heero about all his thoughts and feelings on the beach, he felt like he was starting over with a blank slate, that he wasn’t keeping any secrets and he very badly wanted to continue that. Making his family worry made Duo feel bad, but it felt just as bad lying to them.   
    Name seemed to think that the stomachaches and the headaches were probably related to each other. At first, she had thought that Duo’s headaches were just a sign of spring and that he was having allergies, but Duo had confessed that he didn’t have any seasonal allergies. With all of his other problems, he had been blessed with a lack of hay fever and other spring annoyances. He had no idea if he could classify the headaches as migraines or if they were just because of stress. If they were really because of stress, why hadn’t they started right after they had gotten back from Boston, when he and Heero had been having all those problems? Why was he having them now, when they had finally settled things between them? It didn’t make any sense to him. He wanted to feel sick at having these kind of problems, but he was just too happy that he still had Heero in his life. Compared to that, stomachaches and headaches seemed trivial to him.   
    Duo got dressed for school and headed downstairs to have breakfast. He was hungry, but the pain in his stomach made it hard for him to feel eager to eat anything. He hated feeling this way. The only good thing was that his stomachaches didn’t last all day, so he knew that by lunch, or dinner at the latest, the pain would pass. In the kitchen, Name and his friends were already sitting at the table, eating various kinds of breakfast foods. Heero had a large mug of coffee that he was drinking with his omelet, which looked like he had just made it seconds before, and Duo worried that he might have kept Heero up last night. But, every time he had woken up, Heero had been fast asleep, so he tried to not let it bother him. Seeing Heero consume that much caffeine had Duo almost scolding him, but he just blushed at his own concern and set about putting together his own breakfast.   
    Name gave him a smile as Duo entered the kitchen, but it quickly dissolved into a frown as the boy completely bypassed the stove and microwave, dug out a loaf of white bread and put two slices into the toaster.  
    “Another stomachache?” she asked worriedly.  
    Duo nodded as he pushed down the lever.  
    “It’s fine, though,” he tried to assure her, “It’s not like it’s going to last all day. I’m sure I’ll be fine by lunch.”  
    His words did little to destroy Name’s worrying about him. She would always worry about his health. Wes had bashed him around, his skull was cracked, his spleen had ruptured, he had anemia, and he was so small and thin from years of malnutrition. Duo was only fifteen years old, maybe sixteen since Duo had no idea when his birthday was, and he should have a bit more of growing to do, but Name didn’t think that he would. Who knew what his health would be like later in life at this point? She didn’t like the fact that Duo had lived his entire life without proper health care and he probably had some problems that could have been fixed a long time ago. It was just one more thing about Duo’s past that angered her, but she was trying to make it right. She didn’t know yet if the headaches and stomachaches were a part of something bad, like an infection, but she was keeping a close eye on him.  
    “At least put some jelly on it, honey,” she urged.  
    Duo smiled back at her and went to the refrigerator to take out the grape jelly he used on his sandwiches a lot. He didn’t think he would ever admit it to her, but whenever Name used endearments like that, it made his heart swell with warmth and he had to fight the urge to hug her as tightly as he could. Heero seemed to hate her calling him nicknames, but Duo thought that Heero loved it just as much as he did. It just… it made him feel loved, her care and those silly little names. How could he possibly feel slighted by some aches and pains when he felt this good?   
    “It’s probably just nerves,” Trowa suggested as he finished chewing his bacon, “We are getting our final grades today.”  
    Anxiety made Duo’s stomach tighten even further. He didn’t even want to _think_ about getting his grades today. His toast popped up and Duo busied himself with covering the bread with jelly, even as his expression was downcast and he couldn’t help but wonder what kind of grades he would get.  
    “Maybe,” he mused, “I mean, if I don’t get good grades, they can kick me out of school.”  
    “Mr. Khushrenada told you that?” Quatre asked with a frown.  
    Duo nodded.  
    “He said that when he told me about the board’s decision. He said that I needed to prove that I would be dedicated to my school work, otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to come back next semester,” Duo informed them.  
    “I’m sure that you did fine,” Name scoffed, “Even if you get a bad grade, and after seeing the grades you’ve gotten so far, I know you won’t, you’ve tried so hard to pick yourself up this semester. I know they’ll see that and let you continue your education. I doubt there’s another student that has struggled and fought as much as you have. You haven’t missed as many classes as last semester and you’ve been doing well on your tests. Don’t worry about your grades. I’m sure you did brilliantly.”  
    Name’s confidence in him made Duo suddenly feel a confidence in himself. If she was sure, then he was sure, and he knew that she was right anyway. He had gotten good grades so far, so why did he feel so anxious? That confidence was so strange… this was good, wasn’t it? He was never confident in his own abilities, but Name instilled that in him. He just felt like it was a step in the right direction for him, having a little bit of self-confidence for once. That confidence and relief gave him a little bit of more eagerness and he grabbed some slices of bacon for his breakfast as well.   
  
  
  
  
    The last week of school had changed little from middle school to high school. It was just as pointless. They had already taken their final exams last week and there was little left to the semester beyond their report cards, which they would get at the end of the day. The last week of school was filled with classes watching movies and kids hanging out as teachers loitered around, waiting for the end of the school day. It reminded Duo of the last week of his middle school education. He hadn’t minded the movies back then, since he never got to see them in his own time unless Wes wanted to watch one, but when it came to mingling with his classmates, he had just sat at his desk in the corner of the classroom, watching robins out of the windows, horribly lonely watching his classmates laugh with their friends, but also praying that the end of the day would never come so he wouldn’t have to go home.   
    For once, he was one of those classmates, laughing and chatting with his friends, but he didn’t feel strange about it. These were his friends and they made him feel like he belonged, even when he didn’t. But, his friends didn’t belong here, either, and that was just fine. Gym, for once, was bearable. Even the gym teachers had completely given up on trying to hold on to any semblance of order over their students. A lot of their teachers had seemed to actually disappear, leaving the teenagers to run around and do whatever they felt like. Most of their gym classmates had migrated outside, since it was so nice out, and they would have the track field to themselves, but Duo and his friends had decided to stay inside where it was cooler and play a leisurely game of badminton. It was nice, being able to play with just the five of them, no competition, no screaming team mates, no pressure to do anything. They just volleyed the birdie back and forth as they talked about how they would spend their summer.   
    Trowa and Quatre informed them that they wanted to go on a date Friday. It had been so long since the two of them had just gone out and had dinner together and Wufei had to help his mother weed her garden and plant the spring and summer flowers before he could do anything. Duo didn’t mind it. It would have been nice to be able to spend his first week of real summer with all his friends, but this meant that he and Heero could do something by themselves and that excited him. It was foolish, he thought, for something so tiny to make him feel so good. It just reminded him of why he had been so wary of love his entire life, but he allowed himself to indulge in it now. Even if nothing came from his crush on Heero, it was still nice to know that he _could_ fall in love. After all the things he had gone through in his life, being alienated from people because he was homeless, and what Wes had put him through, Duo had struggled to believe in concepts like romance.   
    He had had sex too many times to believe that there was something sweet about the act and even before then, he had always believed that love was just a pretty word for fucking, that people only married when a girl got knocked up and because girls were weird and liked to believe in silly notions like love at first sight. He still didn’t believe in love at first sight. How could you love someone when the only thing that you could fall in love with was their looks? Heero was gorgeous, but he had only started to fall in love with him when he had realized how kind he was, even though that was early on in their friendship. But when he had met Shi and the others he had started to wonder if maybe those silly things were real and he had just lived such a cold and detached life, he had never experienced them for himself.  
    It was hard to form normal connections like girlfriends, boyfriends, or lovers, let alone husbands or wives, when you were struggling just to survive. The stress, bitterness, and selfishness that came with that kind of life just made it too hard to have a healthy relationship of that kind. To his knowledge, Shi, Solo, and Amaaya didn’t, or had never had, a relationship like that, but just watching Alex and Aluxiel together and hearing Hi talk about his late wife, he wanted to believe in love. He wanted to believe that even a miserable person like himself could smile like how Alex and Aluxiel did, that he could still cry over the death of someone like Hi did over his wife, even though she had died many years ago. He had always thought that love must be wonderful and painful at the same time, and now that he was, he knew that was true, but it was just a relief to know that he still had enough humanity left in him that he could feel something like love, something that was so human, it was universal.   
    He could say that he and Heero had gotten over their problems surrounding their friendship, but it wasn’t that simple. They were getting back to the way that they had been, that was true, but Duo still felt guilt, still felt sick inside at the thought that Heero had… had seen him like that. He thought that he would always feel those things when he thought about that nightmarish couple of days, but he was trying hard not to let it bring him down again. Heero had given him the surety to move on from that guilt, but he would always feel it. It was ironic, it was that love for Heero that made that guilt so powerful, but it was also that love that had forced him to try to fix their relationship.  
    Duo shook himself out of his gaze as Trowa volleyed the birdie at him and he hit it back to the other side of the net. It was too peaceful of a day for him to be plagued by such thoughts. He had already decided that he would channel all his anger at himself at Chris, but it still prickled his heart at moments, how close he had come to losing the person he loved the most. As useless as this week was, it was kind of nice, too, to be able to do things like this with his friend without having to worry about school work and such things. Even Zechs had disappeared to hang outside with whoever he was friends with, or whoever he just spent time with, to smoke. Duo’s nose crinkled in disgust at the mere thought of it, even though he was glad that the bully wasn’t bothering him.  
    Smoking was a huge problem nowadays, so not only was the tax incredibly expensive, but, according to Duo’s history book, in the last thirty years, the age for smoking had rose from 18 to 21. This did little to deter teenagers like Zechs from finding ways of buying cigarettes, though. It was illegal to smoke on school property anyway, but Duo knew that Zechs was out back somewhere, with a group of other smokers, and he also knew that no teacher would bother trying to bust them. The teachers and staff, except for Mr. Khushrenada, were too busy enjoying their own time away from strict teaching to care about a bunch of kids breaking school rules. Even if they did, what would be the point of suspending a kid when summer break was just days away? Chris, Zechs, and Wes smoked so much, he could always smell it on their clothes, so he had quickly found the vice to be repulsive, just like how he felt about alcohol. At least he would never have to worry about becoming an addict.   
    The day passed quicker than it usually did and sooner than Duo had expected, Wufei, Heero, and Trowa were in their last class together when an announcement came over the loud speaker that all students had to go to their homeroom class. Only Heero had the same homeroom as Duo, so they headed that way together. By the time that he found himself sitting down at his desk in Une’s classroom, Duo felt like he was a nervous wreck. He suddenly wondered what would happen to him if he did fail. He didn’t think that would happen to him, but what if? He couldn’t stop going over that what if. He would get kicked out of school, after all of his hard work, after all of his attempts at being a good student, but what would happen after that? He wouldn’t be able to graduate college, and the pain he felt in his heart at that thought was strange. He had always believed he would never go to college, he would never have the grades, the connections, and especially not the money to go, so why was the thought that he wouldn’t be able to so painful?  
    That was the danger in what Name had given him, Duo thought. All those things that he had thought he would never get to do, all those things he had given up on were suddenly real. He and Name had talked briefly about him going to college and what he wanted to do with the rest of his life, and in those short conversations, somehow, he had believed he would get that chance. He didn’t have a clue what he wanted to do with his life, but the thought he might actually have a choice, that he had fucking _options_ was overwhelming to him. Heero noticed Duo fidgeting nervously in his seat and smiled at him, which helped to calm him. Their desks were across from each other and Heero wished that he had the courage to reach over and hold Duo’s hand, if Duo really needed him to, he would in a heart beat, but he knew that it would just embarrass the both of them. Une walked in the room and, amazingly, the chattering, screaming, laughing throng of students fell dead quiet. Heero smirked to himself at the thought that Mrs. Khushrenada and his mother should meet, he was sure that they would hit it off. Before coming here, he had never met a teacher that had that ability, to be kind, but stern at the same time and who could easily grab the attention of over a dozen hyper teenagers.   
    “I want to inform you all,” Une began, putting the stack of report cards she had walked in with on her desk, “That for the most part, I’m proud of your work and progress over this year.”  
    Heero was shocked when her brown eyes fell on him instead of Duo, unable to understand the purpose of her gaze.  
    “I know I have a reputation as being a hard teacher,” she said with an amused smirk, “And I also know that it is well deserved. Many of you, I’m sure, aren’t giving any kind of thought towards your graduation and acceptance into college, if you wish to go to one. After all, that is still three years away for you freshman, but you will find that when you do go, if you can pass my classes, you will go a long way. That being said, I’m sure all of you are ready for summer break after a year of hard work. All of you know that you have no homework for the rest of this week, so if you wish to not come to school, that is your choice and you won’t be penalized for it. Once you receive your report card, you can leave for the day, so, let’s get on with it.”  
    As their teacher started to call out last names in alphabetical order, Heero rested his head on his crossed arms on his desk. Sometimes, being a Yuy sucked. At least Quatre was in the same boat as him. He was sure that Trowa and Wufei would wait for them, but it would have been nice to have a B or C last name like them so they could leave early. Heero looked over at Duo when Une got to the K and L’s, his best friend listening carefully for his last name. He wished that there was some way for Duo to change his last name. He was sure that the American didn’t like being tied to Wes like that, but Duo didn’t even have social security or a birth certificate, so changing his name without it looking suspicious would be difficult. What he couldn’t understand was that Duo had never asked his mother about trying to change it or even seemed bothered when someone called him Maxwell.   
    “Lackenzie…” Une droned on, handing out the envelopes as each student raced up to her desk, “Masckell… McAddams…”  
    Duo sat up straighter as the teacher passed over his name and continued down the list. He looked over at Heero, looking shocked and confused by this turn of events. Heero wanted to smile at him, wanted to assure him that things were ok, but he was just as confused. Little by little, the classroom emptied until it was only himself and Heero. Duo had to focus on his breathing to keep on hyperventilating. Why was this happening to him? Was he really going to get kicked out of school? Was that what it was about? Heero collected his report card, but didn’t even bother to open it, feeling too sick inside as Duo hesitantly approached Une.  
    “Mrs. Khushrenada… I don’t understand,” the longhaired boy said in a small voice, “Did I do something wrong?”  
    Heero could almost imagine the kind of tap dance that Duo’s nerves were doing as he stood in front of the teacher, as white as a ghost. Une sighed heavily, somehow managing the noise to sound regretful.  
    “Duo, I’m so sorry,” she apologized, “But you need to see Mr. Khushrenada about this. I don’t know anything about it, but he said that there was a problem with your grades.”  
    “P-problem?” Duo stuttered, trying to go over every grade and every action he had made that semester.  
    “I’m sure it’s nothing,” Une tried to assure him, but even to her ears it fell flat, “Treize will tell you what the problem is.”  
    Duo looked away from her and at the floor, his expression and posture so like how he had looked when Heero had first met him, despondent and looking like he might start trembling, that the blue-eyed boy hurt for him.   
    “Thank you,” Duo murmured to Une briefly, then started to shuffle out.  
    “Duo,” Une called to him, making him turn around to look at her again, “I know it’s little consolation right now, but I gave you an A+.”  
    Une’s comforting smile was almost enough to make Duo feel better about this screwed up situation.   
    “What… really?” he asked in amazement, “Thank you so much-,”  
    “Don’t thank me,” the longhaired woman scoffed, though she continued to smile, “That was just the number that I got when I added up all your grades. You earned it all on your own. I’m sure you’re other teachers feel the same way. So don’t worry, ok?”  
    ‘Not Williams,’ Heero thought bitterly.  
    Both Heero and Duo watched with wide eyes as Une walked over to Duo and briefly put her hand on his head in an affectionate gesture.   
    “I mean it,” she said softly, “Don’t you worry about this. No matter what has happened, you enjoy your summer, ok?”  
    Duo finally found the ability to smile at her and nodded.  
    “I know I will,” he said with a little more spirit.  
    That was right, even if he failed, even if he flunked out of school, he still had Name. He still had Heero. He still had a home. Even if he failed… he still had the things that were the most important to him, so why did he feel so sick inside as he walked out of the classroom? Why did this had to happen? He had tried so hard… how could he have failed? But why else would Treize want to speak to him?   
    “I’m sorry,” he murmured to Heero as they walked down the empty hallway together, “I’m sure that Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei are waiting by your car…”  
    He was such a nuisance. He couldn’t even pass some stupid classes and now he was inconveniencing Heero again…  
    “I’m coming with you,” Heero said passionately.  
    Duo stopped to stare at him for a moment. What had he done in his stupid, pitiful life to deserve a friend like him? A friend that didn’t just pretend that he wasn’t a bother, but truly believed it? A friend that always stood by him, because they needed each other? His love for Heero flared in his chest and almost brought him to tears. He felt like he didn’t deserve this emotion, this incredible feeling of joy and love in his heart, but it was so real, attached to him like some kind of alien parasite that had no intention of letting him go. Heero reached out, gave his hand a little squeeze, and just as quickly let go, but it made Duo’s heart flare again.  
    “You did fine,” Heero said and the conviction in his voice was enough to make Duo believe his words, “You’ve gotten good grades and you’re a hard worker. Une’s right, whatever happened, whatever the problem is, it isn’t your fault. I’m sure of it,” he smiled at Duo, “Knowing you, you probably aced all your classes. I mean, did you get a single bad grade?”  
    Duo thought about and felt a strange kind of reluctant relief.  
    “Well… no, not that I can think of. I almost got a C- in gym when we had to take that fitness test in gym because I couldn’t finish the stamina test because I felt so faint from all those laps…” he mentioned.  
    Heero remembered that day. Every semester, each gym class was expected to pass a fitness test. He had no idea why it was important, but they had to perform all kinds of physical tests, including running a three mile trek on the track before the class ended. Duo was incredible when it came to speed, but not so much when it came to stamina. Maybe he had when he was a kid, but after his stay in the hospital, he had trouble exerting that much effort for that length of time and ended up sitting on the grass after only one and half miles, panting and on the verge of fainting.   
    “But Ms. Schbeiker gave you a passing grade anyway,” Heero pointed out, “And Treize agreed, considering your health issues.”  
    “I can’t think of anything else,” Duo admitted, “I passed all of those big History tests, too.”  
    Heero snorted. He had always been good at subjects like math, science, and history, having a great memory and analytical mind, but even he had struggled through some of those tests and he knew how late Duo had stayed up each night studying that huge textbook they had been given.   
    “See?” he said, “You have nothing to worry about.”  
    They walked the rest of the way to the principal’s office in silence, Duo feeling a little bit better, but still incredibly anxious. Treize’s secretary just smiled at them and ushered them into the office. Duo felt a great relief that she wasn’t insisting that Heero wait outside. He knew that he was being a baby, but he always felt more confident when Heero was near him. Treize had clearly been waiting for Duo, not even sitting at his desk and closed the door behind them. Duo knew that it was a nice show of privacy, but it just made him feel like he was going to get scolded. Heero nodded at Treize, glad that he wasn’t going to kick him out. He had butted heads with the principal when he had first moved here, but he had grown to respect the man.  
    It wasn’t just the fact that he had gone out of his way to help Duo where few other adults had, the man just demanded respect. He wasn’t like the principals he had had in the past who only cared about the glory of having a Yuy at their school and had let him get away with everything. Treize was like Duo in that respect, he didn’t care who Heero was, he was just a student to him and treated him as such. It was the kind of behavior that he had needed, though he would never admit that to the man. Even now, Treize was standing with them, not sitting behind his desk, showing how he wasn’t condescending with his students, which was a comfort.   
    “Heero,” Treize began, “You’re only here because I know that Duo trusts you.”  
    Heero nodded in agreement, not feeling offended by the remark. He wasn’t really supposed to be there at all, but Duo wanted him there, so he was staying, he was just glad that Treize understood that. Treize turned to Duo and sighed. The sigh was so much like his wife’s had been that Heero almost burst out laughing, but that would have been inappropriate. He hadn’t inherited his mother’s good graces, but he wasn’t completely rude.  
    “I’m sorry about all this,” Treize apologized, “I know you’re eager to see your grades.”  
    “Why didn’t you tell me about this before?” Duo asked, almost feeling betrayed, “You knew I wasn’t getting my report card today, so why didn’t you tell me when I got here this morning?”  
    “Because,” Treize said with a slight smile, “I couldn’t talk to you like this until the end of the day. If I had mentioned it to you, knowing you like I do, you would have only been a nervous wreck the entire day.”  
    Heero did smirk at that. Clearly, the principal knew his Duo well. That thought made Heero’s blood freeze. ‘His Duo’? He couldn’t remember a time when he had ever referred to Duo as his. When the hell had that happened? It was just such a strange, alien thought, it surprised him and embarrassed him, even though he hadn’t voiced it out loud. Thankfully. If he had, he would have died from shame. Duo didn’t need him to be thinking things like that. He already had one possessive stalker and Heero, personally, knew what that felt like. He didn’t need a second one, but sometimes he just felt so possessive of Duo, so incredibly protective that he wanted to bundle him up in blankets and hide him from the rest of the world so he would never be hurt again. How could he possibly make sense or stop thoughts like that when they seemed so strong? At the same time that he wanted to protect him, he felt so proud of him. It felt pointless to try to deny how the other boy made him feel.   
    “Ok,” Duo admitted with a deep blush that both Heero and Treize thought was adorable, “But why didn’t I get my report card?”  
    “There seems to be a slight inconsistency with some of your final grades,” Treize told him, “I’ve been trying to find the source of it.”  
    “I didn’t plagiarize!” Duo suddenly blurted out.  
    That was the only thing that he could think of at that moment, that Treize was accusing him of cheating or getting false grades or something. That was what it sounded like to him. To his astonishment, Treize laughed.  
    “Oh, I don’t think that!” he assured him, “Duo, please don’t think that this is your fault, because it isn’t, and I’m certainly not accusing you of falsifying your grades.”  
    “But it’s my grades, if the inconsistency isn’t my fault, whose could it be?” Duo questioned.  
    “Actually, it’s the fault of one of your teachers,” Treize said.  
    Heero and Duo stared at him.  
    “You see,” Treize explained, “All teachers have to submit warning grades for the first and last half of the semester. That way, if a student if failing, they can try to pull their grade up in time. You received no warning grades for either semester, which tells me that you should have gotten good grades. However, when one of your teachers submitted your final grade, it was so poor that it didn’t make sense to me. Usually, we take teachers on their word, but in this case, I felt that further investigation was in order,” Treize put a comforting hand on Duo’s shoulder, “I’m looking into it personally, and I promise you’ll have your report card on Friday.”  
    “But what if it isn’t their fault? What if I really got a bad grade?” Duo murmured, panicked at the thought that he might fail, both himself and his family.  
    “You didn’t,” Treize tried to assure him, “And even if you did, you won’t be expelled for it.”  
    Duo stared up at him in shock.  
    “I won’t?! But… you said…” he sputtered, torn between shock and excitement.  
    “I told you that the conditions for your return to this school was reduced absences and proof that you would try your best at your school work. You’ve done both of those things. In fact,” Treize said with a sly smile, “The rest of your classes were A’s. Even if you fail this one class, which I don’t think you will, you’ll be allowed to come back next year.”  
    Heero thought that he could almost see light shinning off his friend at that bit of news and he felt that biting pride again.  
    “I got A’s?” Duo was nearly gaping.  
    Treize chuckled.  
    “Yes. So, in a way, this last grade doesn’t even matter when it comes to next semester,” he said.  
    Duo looked down at the ground.  
    “But… but it matters to me…” he whispered.  
    He should feel happy about this, and he did, but there was a bitterness about it. This one grade didn’t matter, it shouldn’t matter, but it did. It was the principle of getting what you deserved and knowing you earned it. He didn’t want to get more or less than that. He had been slighted his entire life, people walking all over him because they knew that they could. So someone had stolen something from him, or had beaten him, or had made him feel like shit, what was he going to do about it? People were always treating him that way, like they could treat him as less than human, just because they knew that they could get away with it. If this grade was on purpose, it was just one more slight to him. But he was so fucking sick of it. He didn’t want to be walked all over for the rest of his life. He didn’t want to be that kind of person.   
    “You don’t need to prove anything to anyone but yourself,” Treize said in agreement, “I understand that. I promise I’ll get to the bottom of this.”  
    Treize’s hand slipped from Duo’s shoulder and Duo could feel Heero press his fingers against his arm. It was subtle, but comforting. And suddenly, that bitterness didn’t matter anymore. He smiled genuinely at Treize.  
    “Thank you, sir,” he shook his principal’s hand, “Even if you can’t figure out what happened, thank you for trying.”  
    “You don’t have to thank me for that, Duo,” Treize said kindly, “I’m just doing my job, no more than that. Some adults are too lazy to do that, but when we do, it’s nothing extraordinary. Just come by Friday and I’ll give it to you myself.”  
    “Thank you,” Heero echoed Duo’s sentiment and hurried Duo out of the office, both boys wearing relieved smiles.  
    Neither of them noticed that the person who walked past them and into the office was Une, too much in a rush to leave school. Une closed the door behind her and flashed her husband a worried look.  
    “How did he take it?” she asked.  
    “Better than I expected him to, considering the boy is like a skittish squirrel most of the time,” Treize said dryly.  
    Une promptly hit him on the arm, which just made him laugh. He was well used to his wife’s well-spirited violence.  
    “He’s not like that,” she protested.  
    “Not so much anymore,” he agreed, “A good home may be something so basic, we barely think about it, but it can do wonders for boys like Duo. Can you understand why I don’t want a child right now? I know we have a stable life and paychecks and you’re passionate about it, but after meeting Duo, can you honestly still say a baby is what we should have?”  
    Une’s expression turned so somber, Treize had to hug her tightly to keep from seeing the tears in her eyes. She had always hated it when he saw her cry since they had met in their own high school. She couldn’t stand any form of weakness from herself, but he loved that quality in her, that strength and pride. He ran his hand through the long, straight brown hair that he loved so much.  
    “Are you saying that you think our child would turn out like Duo?” she asked, “You think that we would screw up that much? We would never be like that!”  
    “Duo had parents once,” Treize pointed out, “They screwed up and let him down. No parent knows what the future of their child will be, or if they are the one who messed them up. But that’s not what I’m saying. There are so many children out there without parents, how can we say that we have the right to have our own baby, when there are so many children that need parents? I’m not ready to have a child, to have that responsibility on my shoulders. These kids can be so cruel and they can be so kind. We were like that, too. Being around Duo, it makes me realize that people underestimate the responsibility they have to a child. If they get it wrong, you get a boy like Duo, who is so awkward, it hurts to talk to him sometimes. Are you really ready for that kind of responsibility? Its an easy thing to say that we should have a child, but we owe it to that child to be ready to raise it, not just because its something we want.”  
    Une buried her head in her husband’s chest.  
    “I just… I want a piece of us as a part of our family. Is that so wrong?” she asked, her voice tight with misery, misery that she would never show anyone but her husband.      
    Maybe they really did belong together because neither of them ever let their emotions show unless it was just the two of them. But they were both very private people. It made her wonder, if they ever did have a baby, a topic that had been haunting their marriage for the last three years now, if he or she would have that same trait.  
    “No, love,” Treize kissed the top of her head, “It isn’t wrong to want that, to want something to love, but I’m not ready. One day, I know I will be, but we’re both young. There’s no reason to rush into a big decision like this, is there? We’re healthy and in a year or two, we’ll be older and wiser.”  
    Une wiped away her tears and hesitantly nodded in agreement.  
    “In the meantime,” Treize teased her, “we can always practice on Duo.”  
    Une hit him again.   
  
  
End Part 1


	48. The Second Son Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo finds out which teacher flubbed his grade. Wufei gets a letter from Fai. Heero's uncle tries to get Name removed as CEO.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 2  
  
  
    “That rat bastard!” Quatre nearly screeched as the silver sports car drove the five of them home.  
    All four of his friends stared at the little blonde in shock, even Heero, though he just as quickly looked back to the road. Even for a seventeen year old, Heero was a careful driver, always had been. After his father’s death, Heero had been careless with his own safety, taking stupid risks like smoking and picking fights with bigger, crueler boys. But what had happened to his father had haunted him. Yes, the man who had struck him down with his car had done it on purpose, but it had just made Heero realize that if he drove recklessly, it wouldn’t just be him who paid the price.  
    He could kill someone, someone’s mother, father, or child. He could destroy someone’s family, so very easily. With those anxious thoughts swirling around in his head, Heero had a serious phobia about causing an accident. Plus, he had all of his friends in the car with him, nearly his whole world. And Duo. Considering all they had gone through together, it would just be so stupid to die in a car crash.  
    Wufei and Duo couldn’t recall having ever heard their Muslim friend swear before on the top of their heads, while Trowa and Heero were well aware that Quatre only swore like that when he was very, very angry. Duo shook off his shock faster than his other friends, even Trowa. Quatre’s aqua-colored eyes were alight with a blazing fury that Duo couldn’t quite understand. Quatre wasn’t the one confused and anxious about one silly grade.  
    Though the rest of them had all received their grades, no one had showed them, too upset with Duo’s little problem. He, personally, couldn’t understand it. He had almost died, had been shot and attacked more times than he could count, but here they all were, worrying about a grade that didn’t even matter in the grand scheme of things. For once, no one was hurt or angry with each other, so why was this bothering him so much? He was going back next semester, he should be happy.  
    And he was. He certainly couldn’t say that he wasn’t. It was just… after all the weird and traumatic things he had gone through in his life, this thing with his grade was so… _mundane_. So normal and boring. What teenager didn’t worry about their grades? That feeling of facing a problem that wasn’t a matter of life and death, freedom or slavery, filled him with a sharp sense of relief and happiness. He was anxious, but though the outcome of all this did matter to his pride, at the end of it all, his life would not be affected in some huge, earth shattering way. It made him feel like, for the first time in his entire life, he was actually a teenaged boy and not like he was wearing some priceless, fragile mask that he had to fight just to cling on to.   
    It didn’t matter. God, wasn’t that a wonderful concept? He was sure that boys his age faced these sorts of things every day, little things that didn’t matter, but they called them ‘problems’ or ‘trials’ because they had nothing more stressful in their lives. As much as he hated the doubt and anxiety, it made him feel good and relieved as well. To the point that he was having a hard time understanding why Quatre and his other friends seemed to be enraged by it.   
    “We don’t know it was Mr. Williams…” Duo protested, but even his tone clearly said that he didn’t believe his own words, that he was just playing devil’s advocate because no one else would.  
    To Duo’s amazement, the other four boys all snorted at the same exact time in an impressive stereo effect.  
    “Of course we do!” Wufei snapped, not so much at Duo as his words, “Let’s look at the facts: one of your teachers gave you a failing grade at the last minute, despite all your good test scores, which either means that this person is completely incompetent or completely hates you, enough to even risk his or her job! Now, who does that sound like to you?!”  
    Duo sighed. Of course he knew that it was all because of Williams that he was going through this. His other teachers loved him. He was bright and interested in what they taught him while remaining quiet and respectful, a far cry from most of his hyper, bored classmates. Williams was the only one who loathed him. He didn’t even know why he was defending the man. It wasn’t like there was some shadow of doubt and he was the only one to see it. It simply wasn’t there. He was a very firm believer in innocent until proven guilty, but in this case, only a fool would be unable to see the truth.   
    Duo had lived in a world separate from the world that his classmates had grown up in. He had seen a lot of things, had gotten to witness people’s souls, if there was such a thing, while his peers had grown up watching movies and television while listening to their parents’ views of the world, making it all their own. They hadn’t seen what really lived in people’s hearts, just the masks that society wanted people to wear because it was convenient.   
    Duo had grown up learning that just because you were homeless it didn’t mean you were simply lazy or a drug addict, not all immigrants were uneducated, and just because someone ran from the police it didn’t mean they were guilty of something. He had lived in a world that understood that what you saw was not always what you got, so it was easy for him to defend a man who didn’t really deserve that from him. The thing was, he didn’t hate Mr. Williams. He should, he knew that. The man had made him cry and hide like a little kid, thoroughly embarrassing himself in front of Mr. Khushrenada. He had made him feel like the lowest, dirties kind of scum. Hell, he had nearly made Duo believe some of the nasty things that he had said about him.  
    Mr. Williams reminded Duo of every person who had seen him as a child, skinny as a rake, his hair badly matted, and his clothes falling from his skeletal body in tatters, looking down on him like he was a diseased rat who had wandered into their kitchen. Williams reminded him of every teacher who had made the same tired, uneducated assumptions about him. He was poor, so he must be stupid and unwilling to learn.  
    Education was for the _good_ kids, kids who had parents, kids who had money, kids like Zechs who had a future. So, since Duo was poor, stupid, had no future, and was probably just going to get addicted to meth or heroine and go into a gang, what did it matter if he was picked on or bullied? And if he didn’t fight back, it didn’t mean that he was scared and powerless, it was because it didn’t bother him.  
    Williams reminded Duo of every cruel stereotype, every mindless assumption and he should hate him for that alone, not including the sick things he had said about Heero. But he didn’t. Maybe it was because he was too tired of all the negative feelings that seemed to constantly follow him. Maybe it was because, compared to Wes, Chris, and Relena, there wasn’t much of Williams in his life for him to think about. Williams made him feel useless, dirty, and ashamed of himself for an hour a day, five days a week, and that was just during school days. So what? Wes and Relena made him feel that very same way just by showing up in his thoughts.  
    “How dare he do this to you!” Quatre snarled, making Duo look back at him again, “You’ve worked so hard to get where you are now! When you first came back to school, you were behind everyone _and_ still healing from all that time in the hospital, but you managed to not only catch up, but also be at the top of all your classes! You struggled a lot and worked really hard, harder than the rest of those immature idiots! That hateful man has no right to… to penalize you because his prejudices about you being lazy fell flat! And he’s a teacher! He’s supposed to be setting a good example for his students, not acting like a spoiled brat!”  
    Trowa smirked as he watched his lover rant, his hands gesticulating wildly in his fury as Duo watched him from the front passenger’s seat, his violet eyes wide with shock and amazement. Everything Quatre said was right, of course, but Trowa seldom saw him in this state of rage and couldn’t help but be amused by it. It was sexy and rather cute, even if Trowa knew that the blonde was completely serious.  
    His boyfriend might look like a bunny rabbit, all small and cute and regularly had a sunny, patient disposition, but when he got mad, Quatre was just as cut throat as his father. That and their business sense were the only things that the father and son had in common. God help Williams if Treize didn’t punish him severely for this, because Quatre definitely wouldn’t have any sort of mercy. The only reason why none of them had attacked the man for the things he had said to Duo was that they would get expelled, but they all agreed that this was crossing the line.  
    “But even if he does fail me, I can still go back in the fall. That’s all I really care about. You don’t need to get so angry about it,” Duo said, worried about what Quatre might do if Treize didn’t get enough evidence against Williams, “I’m used to this, I really am, and I understand that sometimes people don’t get punished for doing something wrong. For once, I’m ok with that because, even if nothing happens to Mr. Williams, it doesn’t impact me that much.”  
    Heero felt sadness fill him at Duo’s easy defeat. He knew what his best friend was really saying, but it reminded him of how Duo used to justify being bullied and how he wasn’t mad that no one had stood up to Wes or Zechs for him, because he was used to it. God, Heero hated those words, but he knew what Duo meant. All those times that people had hurt him and had gotten away with it, the outcomes had been terrible for him. This time, no matter what happened to Williams, Duo was going to get what he wanted. But that kind of victory felt hollow to Heero. It was what Treize had said. Duo didn’t have to prove anything to anyone but himself.  
    In the past, there wouldn’t have been much to prove. Duo had never held himself to any high standard, but now… now Duo had fought so hard and had proved to himself that he could be so much more. There was a shinning light, a bright glimmer of hope inside of Duo that hadn’t been there when they had met. It made Duo want more, Heero could see that quite clearly and he loved its presence. He loved that Duo had standards that he was trying to meet. It made Duo all the more beautiful to him.  
    Fuck, but would he ever fall out of love with the boy sitting next to him? People stopped loving each other all the time. Love that burned so very brightly just as quickly died out, like a flare of flame, and he had waited patiently for it to happen to him, too. Because sometimes it was painful, loving Duo. It would be a relief to let go of these powerful feelings, and horrible. But the more time he spent with duo, the more things he found in the longhaired boy that he fell in love with. And those old things that had made him fall so hard in the first place never lost their grip on him.  
    He remembered standing in the principal’s office with Duo and thinking that nothing would change. Duo had grown so much since that fateful, rememberable day when Heero had arrogantly introduced himself, only to watch as Duo yelled at him like a grown up scolding a small child and had stormed out, but there were still things that hadn’t changed enough. He had thought for sure that Duo would have given up, once Treize had said that that last grade didn’t matter, that Duo would be going on to the next grade anyway, that he would just surrender.  
    Then, Duo had looked at their principal so boldly, his eyes shinning with the will to fight and Heero’s heart had felt swollen with pride. In the past, Duo would have shrugged and said that it didn’t matter, life wasn’t fair and his life was just that on a regular basis. Instead, Duo had decided that it was the principle of the thing, that he had worked hard and even if it didn’t really matter, it still mattered to him and he wasn’t willing to back down from the fight this time around. In that moment, Heero had felt this very strong urge in his gut that he should kiss the braided boy, but as he often did when he felt such strong, primal urges, he had pushed it deep down inside where it still hurt, but was no longer a threat.  
    Even now when Duo was saying that it didn’t matter, there was that spark in his eyes, a newly born stubbornness that made Heero wonder if _this_ was the real Duo, the boy that he would have been if he had grown up with a real family and had lived a healthy life. It made him feel as though they were reaching some kind of turning point, not just for Duo, but for all of them, like they were basking in his newfound strength. Even when Duo was telling them not to be angry, Heero could see that they were just words, that Duo was even madder than Quatre was.  
    “Bull shit!” Quatre swore loudly, shocking them even further, “I don’t _care_ if it impacts you in some huge way or not! It’s the principle of the thing! Williams thinks that just because you’re quiet that he can get away with saying and doing anything to you that he pleases! I’m angry because you’re my friend and if that man thinks he can mess with one of my very close friends and is going to get away with it smelling like roses, ha! I’ll show him a thing or two!”  
    “Quatre’s right,” Heero said angrily, his grip tight around the steering wheel, suddenly feeling his vindictive side coming through.  
    Duo was a part of his family now. He was a Yuy, even if it wasn’t in name, and _nobody_ messed with the Yuy’s and came through unscathed enough to gloat about it at the end of the day! Especially a pitiful, back water professor like Williams!   
    “We should go back there and _beat_ the truth out of him!” Heero growled, the thought of turning the car around and slamming his fist into Williams’ smug face very pleasing to him.  
    “Settle down,” Wufei ordered sternly, trying to be the reasonable one, even though he felt like ganging up on Williams, too, “Don’t just fly off the handle!” his dark eyes caught Duo’s and he smiled encouragingly at the American, “Mr. Khushrenada said he would handle things, so trust in him. He isn’t the kind of man who would promise something like that and not deliver. He has always been honest and honorable, especially to Duo. You are forgetting that Treize is well aware that Duo shouldn’t be getting a failing grade. He will investigate the matter and if he finds out the truth, Williams will be fired and none of us will be bothered by him again. If not, Treize will still make sure that Duo gets the grade that he deserves. If Williams isn’t punished, _then_ we’ll do it ourselves,” he glanced at Quatre, who was still fuming.  
    Duo clenched his hands in his lap. There was still a part of him, so ancient and familiar that Duo could no longer remember where it had come from, that was jeering at him that there was no way Williams was going to be punished for this, not for his sake. The people in his life who hurt him were never punished. He wasn’t worthy of justice. And when he got that failing grade, the board would expel him, despite Treize’s promises. And it would be all his fault, his punishment for reaching for something that was meant for people much better than him.  
    It was in him to believe that part of himself, because he had always believed it. He wasn’t good enough, he had always fallen short. If there wasn’t something wrong with him, if he did deserve good things, then why was he always falling? It was just so easy for him to believe that. Too easy. Like a pattern or a bad habit. All he had to do was close his eyes and fall backwards, like jumping off a cliff. The bottom was scary, but there was something deep inside, something ancient and primal, telling him to jump, just jump. And, really, falling was as easy as breathing, because gravity existed, even if you didn’t want it to.   
    But, as simple as it was, hadn’t he made his choice? Fighting against something that was almost like a reflex was hard and painful, but he had already chosen that path and though it confused him and made him struggle, it also made him happy to know he had that kind of strength inside of him, when all his life, he had thought that he was weak. Wufei, Trowa, Quatre, and Heero… they were all proud of him and had all said that he had done well, so he shouldn’t be worried. His friends had always been honest to him, while that voice deep inside only brought him down, often with bitter sounding half-truths and lies.   
    Why should he listen to a part of himself that was just scared and cruel? No, as much as instinct told him to listen to his fears, he wanted to listen to his friends instead. He would trust them. Everything would be ok. Duo smiled brightly as a strong sense of calmness filled him. This was a step in the right direction, he could feel it. This was healthier, right? Against his own, beaten nature and that voice deep inside of him, Duo allowed himself to feel proud of himself, just a little bit.   
  
*****  
  
    “That bastard!” Name snarled, her words and tone almost completely echoing Quatre’s, looking quite like an enraged mother bear, “If that man thinks he can mess with one of _my_ kids, he’s in for a surprise! Let’s see if he’s so superior after I call the school board!”  
    She yanked the phone off its cradle so hard, Heero was amazed she hadn’t broken it.  
    “Wait!” Duo pleaded, his heart beating fast and his face beat red at hearing her call him her child, something that made him feel like his heart would split wide open.  
    Name raised a chocolate-colored eyebrow at him, but calmly put the phone back on the charger.  
    “Mr. Khushrenada said he would take care of things,” he reasoned, “So shouldn’t we let him handle it?”  
    Name took a minute to contemplate that, then sighed.  
    “I suppose that man _has_ proven himself quite capable. He’s shown a fortitude and strength of personality that none of Heero’s previous teachers and principals have ever possessed. He promised that he would find a way for you to return to school and he did, so, if he promised he would make things right this time, I guess I should take him at his word,” she smiled gently and put a hand on Duo’s head, which made the short teenager smile up at her.  
    Name slid her hand off of Duo and glanced at Heero with a sharp expression, reminding Duo of an owl studying a creature that was less threatening than it was and trying to decide if it would be suitable prey, or a general ready to do battle.  
    “Let’s see it,” she ordered.  
    Heero, every bit as stubborn as his mother, crossed his arms over his chest.  
    “Do I still have to? I’m seventeen already,” he said in a slightly nasal, petulant tone.  
    “Yes,” Name said sharply, “And even when you’re in college. Now, hand it over.”  
    Heero snorted, but picked his book bag off the kitchen floor, rifled through it, and handed his report card to his mother.  
    “You haven’t even opened it yet?” Name questioned, noting that the envelope was still sealed.   
    Heero just shrugged and watched, hiding his trepidation, as his mother opened the envelope with the cold precision of a woman who had done this chore many, many times and had grown tired of it. Name studied the report card, almost clinically, then her eyes widened in surprise and she put the piece of paper on the counter. The next thing Heero knew, his mother was pulling him into a tight hug.  
    “Oh, Heero… I’m so proud of you,” her voice was tight, like she was about to cry.  
    When she let go of him, Heero picked up the report card in confusion. When he was done reading it, his eyes widened, too.  
    “Can I see it?” Duo asked eagerly, glad that he was the spectator and not the center of attention for once.  
    Heero handed it over, his tan cheeks a little bit red in embarrassment, but for once, not in shame. Duo read the card, not bothering with the teachers’ comments. They were just their opinions, anyway, and teachers were biased. They also seldom had a clue about what their students were really like. Every report card he had ever gotten had been filled with comments like “needs to participate in class more” and “does not work well with other students.”  
    One of his teachers in middle school one year had even written her concerns that Duo might be autistic because he never spoke in class and didn’t look people in the eye. She had ended the comment urging his father to come in for a meeting, but when he never showed, she never brought it up again. Duo wasn’t quite sure if she had been overly dramatic or incompetent, but he had seen a lot of lackluster teachers in the public school system.  
    Looking at comments like that made him look like a juvenile delinquent, though those teachers had to have known about the bullying, so why they couldn’t understand his reasons for not answering questions in class or making friends was beyond his understanding. Getting noticed, no matter what the attention was for, for a quiet and submissive, but smart, kid like him was dangerous. Or, it had been. Being friends with a Yuy, and having friends like Trowa and Wufei, who were bigger or just plain physically menacing, had made his classmates hesitate in calling him names or pushing him around. Especially after Heero had put that one kid in the hospital for picking on his best friend.  
    Predictably, Heero had done well in his science, gym, and math courses, getting A+’s, but had gotten C+’s in English and Home Ec, while he had gotten a variety of B’s in everything else.  
    “I can’t remember the last time I got an A,” Heero admitted sheepishly.  
    “You slacked off after your father died,” Duo guessed, more of a statement than a question.  
    “Heero stared at him, startled that Duo could guess something like that. Duo knew all about his past now, but it still surprised him when his friend said things like that, like he knew that his assumptions were right. It would be annoying if he wasn’t right all the time.  
    “You really think that?” Heero asked in fake amusement, “Maybe I’m just really, really stupid. I did get a couple of C’s after all.”  
    Duo’s expression turned serious and slightly sad. He looked away from Heero, blushing slightly.  
    “You guys always believe in me,” he murmured, “The two of you, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei… no matter what stupid thing I do, you all believe that I can do better. But I believe in you just as much as you believe in me! So you got a few C’s, so what? You got A’s and B’s, too. Doesn’t that just prove to you that you can do well? Grades you get when you don’t even try don’t count. You aren’t stupid, you just haven’t put as much effort into your school work as you could.”  
    “Duo’s right, honey,” Name said with a soft smile, “Until now, you kept getting D’s and F’s. The only reason why you progressed to the next grade every year is because your principals were too scared of me to hold you back. For the first time since your father died, you’re trying your hardest. And next year, you’ll do even better. Your father would be very proud of you.”  
    Heero felt tears prickle his eyes at those words, but simply nodded and pushed them down. He felt like, for the first time since that hateful day, his stagnant life was starting up again. It was all because of Duo, because of his love for him. In his desire to improve Duo’s life, he had improved his own. Now… if only he had the courage to say that to Duo himself… Heero promptly left the kitchen, knowing that if his mother continued to smother him with praise, he really would cry. Name watched him go, then hugged Duo tightly again.  
    “Thank you,” she whispered, her voice strained with emotion.  
    When she let go of him, Duo looked thoroughly confused.  
    “For what?” he asked.   
    He didn’t even have a report card to show her, nothing for her to be proud of him for, but she looked like she was.  
    “For making him care again,” she said, “For bringing him out of that cloud of hate he was choking in.”  
    “I didn’t do anything-,” Duo started to protest.  
    “Yes, you did,” Name insisted, “Before he met you, Heero didn’t care about his grades, about school. He didn’t care about anything. He would just say that he was going to take over the company when I retired, regardless of how good his grades were. He didn’t even talk about going to college, just went with whatever I had planned. But now… he’s different. He’s how he was before his father died, tenacious, but kind. You changed him for the better. No, it’s more like you woke him up.”  
    “He woke me up, too,” Duo pointed out, “I guess, deep down inside, Heero and I were exactly the same. We were both hiding. I told myself that I didn’t care what was going to happen to me. I did whatever anyone told me, even if it hurt. I never fought against Wes and I had abandoned any kind of dream or hope. When I met Heero, I realized that not all men were like Wes. I realized that I could be loved and that I could have a future, but I would never know if I just kept giving up all the time. For anything he owes me, I owe him three times as much.”  
    “Oh, Duo,” she murmured, feeling that horrible sadness she always felt when the boy talked about his past.  
    She hugged him again and Duo let her love for him wash away all those bad memories, if only for a moment.  
  
*****  
  
    “See you tomorrow!” Wufei called as he got out of Heero’s silver car in front of his house.  
    His friends waved back at him and Wufei watched as they drove off. Like he did every day when both his parents worked late, he to the mail and used the spare key to open the front door. He dumped the mail on the kitchen counter and took out the soup and white rice they had had for dinner last night for an after school snack.   
After yesterday’s debacle with Duo’s report card, today had been mundane and slow. Of course, for a high school student, Tuesdays always seemed slow, but considering that it was the last week of school, it was even more tedious. Maybe if he didn’t go the rest of the week, he could start early on the gardening and be done with it in time for the start of summer vacation and he could hang out with Heero and Duo… but that would be irresponsible. Even if Mrs. Khushrenada had said they didn’t have to attend classes this week, he should still go. All his friends were going.  
Besides, hanging out just with Heero and Duo was like being the third wheel in an old soap opera. The two of them were so infuriating! Even a blind man could see that they were deeply in love, but they were both too stubborn and scared to ever admit it! In the past, he would have been jealous, but now he just had the urge to bash their heads together until they saw what was clearly in front of them.   
Wufei put all the food in one pot on the stove to warm up. As he was waiting, he wandered over to the phone and raised his eyebrows when he saw that they had seven messages. They _never_ got messages. His parents still weren’t very friendly with other people in town and they never got phone calls from their relatives, not even from Meiran. He pulled up the missed calls list on the phone. All the messages were labeled from ‘out of town’ and each call had occurred once every hour since he had left for school that morning.  
“Strange,” he muttered out loud.   
Wufei shook his head, leaving the messages for his parents and decided to go through the mail. He never really got anything, but he hoped that, one day, his family would get over what had happened and send them at least one letter… After shuffling through a mountain of bills and fliers, a slim piece of mail caught Wufei’s attention. The white envelope was covered in so many stamps, brightly colored and some in languages Wufei wasn’t familiar with, that the envelope probably weighted three times as much as its content.  
Wufei became excited when he saw that the address wasn’t in the center of the envelope, but in the top, right hand corner, which was how it was done in the area of China that he had come from. But what really made his heart beat faster was the neat, pretty, familiar writing on the center of the envelope. In delicate Mandarin, someone had written “Fei”. There was no return address, but Wufei didn’t need one. He knew who this letter was from.  
As gently as he could, as though he were handling a priceless relic, he opened the envelope, careful to not tear it in any way, and removed the single piece of paper from within. As he read, his heart stopped, then sped up rapidly.  
  
  
 _‘Dear ‘Fei,_  
  
 _I do so hope that this letter reaches you. I have never had to send something so far. Indeed, I have never had to send any sort of letter, but I feel that this is necessary. Mrs. Yuy gave me money to send this letter before I left all of you in America. It took me many days to discover the courage, and the eloquence, to write it. I have a good job now, just as Mrs. Yuy promised. I hope to be able to send you many letters like this one, if you wish it. From the moment we had parted at the airport, I have missed you terribly. So much so, I fear every day that my heart might break, but the thought of hearing your voice or seeing your handsome face again has kept me strong. I know you will stay strong as well. You have always had a wellspring of strength that vastly exceeds mine. I hope your friends are well. Very little has changed here. Father and Mother treat me worse than before, knowing the lengths I went to see you again. My brothers bully me. They say that I am no longer a true Chinese. I am a mutt, for I have known American soil under my feet. However, it is a strange thing. When I was with you, in America, I thought of our native China often. Remember that day in the mountains of our village? We shared that bottle of wine by ourselves as our village danced. As the sun set and the moon shone in the amber sky, you kissed me. I remembered that day often and wished we were back there where I could hear the sound of bells, laughter, and song in the village below us as I tasted sweet chrysanthemum wine on your lips. I thought that, when I returned here, I would experience those things and my heart would be at peace, but without you, it cannot be the same. Now, as I live my days in our village, I only think of America, of my first taste of pizza and root beer. I think of that moment when you made love to me in your high bed, when I had thought I would never even hold your hand again. Even now, I blush as I write that. I think that the only place I can ever call home is in your arms. In the house where I was born and have lived my whole life, I feel like a stranger. In that country, amidst your friends whom I had just met, I felt comforted. I dream of returning there, even in my waking moments._  
  
 _All I can think about is seeing you again, but I am afraid. Chiong-yo, our sister village, just over the mountains was set a blaze. There are rumors, ghosts and shadows of an unknown truth, that we are being invaded. I wish to think that such a thing will never happen here in this quiet place, but there is much talk of the army. Father has told my brothers to train. Sometimes Father talks of far off lands, of wars on different continents and I wonder what makes us so different from those people. I wonder if this village is truly peaceful, or if I am just a blind fool. These thoughts frighten me._  
  
 _I hope deep in my heart that there will never be war. Our little village is dying, not from war, but from greed and no prosperity, as much of this world is. I think that it is good that you have gone. Perhaps America is not as better off as my father believes, but I still think you are safer there._  
  
 _I hope to see you again, xin’ ai._  
  
 _Fai_  
  
  
    The sound of the phone ringing jerked Wufei from the letter. Silent tears were pouring down his cheeks in such a torrent that they dripped from his chin. He couldn’t remember when he had started to cry. He paid his tears no heed and picked up the phone.  
    “Hello?” he said in a hoarse voice.  
    “ ‘Fei?” a heart-breakingly familiar voice breathed in relief, “I finally got you… these time zones are so hard to figure out…”  
    Wufei felt like he couldn’t breathe as he heard his lover’s voice coming from the phone. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t speak.  
    “ ‘Fei?” Fai asked, sounding concerned, “Are you still there?”  
    “Y-yes,” Wufei croaked, “I’m here.”  
    He could hear Fai breathe another soft breath of relief.  
    “I wasn’t sure I had the right number,” Fai said, “I kept calling, but no one answered. I didn’t wake you, did I?”  
    “No,” Wufei assured him, finally finding himself again, “I just got home from school. I… I just got your letter. I was reading it… when you called.”  
    There was a long space of silence over the line, but Wufei waited patiently, unwilling to hang up the phone. He suddenly heart Fai laugh, a sweet sound that soothed the ache in his heart.   
    “It must be fate, then,” Fai said cheerfully, “You read my letter, then I call…”  
    Wufei found the humor in that to laugh, too.  
    “Yes, it must be fate,” he paused, trying to find some intelligent words, but in this situation, his usual eloquence failed him, “You got home all right?”   
    “Yes. The flight was very long, but a nice, elderly woman sat next to me. She was returning to Hong Kong after seeing her grandson in Bangor. We talked for many hours about America and our homeland. She was kind to me. It helped pass much of the time. Father was waiting for me at the airport in Hong Kong. I do not know how he knew when I was coming home, but he drove a long way to meet me there,” Fai’s voice was hesitant and sad.  
    “How angry was he?” Wufei asked, then cursed himself for asking such an insensitive question.  
    There was another lengthy pause, greater than the previous one, and Wufei feared the worst. Had Fai’s father hurt him? Had he struck him? Beat him? His free hand curled into a fist while his other fingers tightened on the phone so hard, the plastic creaked. If that bastard had laid his filthy hands on his precious Fai…  
    “He was very angry,” Fai confessed softly, “But I survived.”  
    Wufei didn’t like how that sounded at all. He wished Fai was here, where he could hug him and tell him that everything would be all right to his face, not hundreds and hundreds of miles away where he could not even touch him. He remembered how Duo had looked in the hospital that time, the almost endless black-purple bruises on his pale white skin, the needles in his thin arms, the look of exhaustion and hopelessness in his violet eyes, and how frail he had looked in that hospital gown and imagines Fai looking like that, with bruises that his father had given him. It made his blood boil.  
    “Where are you calling from?” Wufei suddenly asked, worried that this phone call would get Fai in trouble with his father.   
    “I snuck out,” Fai said and Wufei could swear that he sounded smug, “I’m blocks away, near that red tree we had lunch under, the day before you left for America,” Fai’s Mandarin became heavy and wistful, “Mrs. Yuy sent me this cell phone. She wrote me a letter saying she would pay the bill, so I could call you whenever I wanted to. I’ve been calling you ever since it arrived.”  
    Wufei shook his head as he heard about how much Heero’s mother had done for him and Fai. How could he ever repay her for her kindness, a kindness that he had never earned? He had been cruel to both Heero and Duo, had been foolish and had played with their feelings out of his own bitterness.  
    “How long can you talk for?” Wufei asked, realizing that it was after two in the morning from where Fai was calling from.  
    “For as long as you can stand the sound of my voice,” Fai responded and Wufei could imagine that smile that he wore easily.  
    ‘Forever, then,’ Wufei thought with his own little smile.  
    The thought alone filled him with a content sort of peace and he stood there in the kitchen for many hours, just listening to the sound of his distant lover’s voice.  
  
*****  
  
    Meanwhile…  
  
  
    ‘Bill… bill… flier… bill… flier… junk mail… bill… bill…’ Name flipped through the mail, throwing out the huge pile of fliers and coupon magazines that arrived in their mailbox every day.  
    Apparently not even living on the most expensive and well-kept street in town could not keep them from sending this trash. With the amount of paper they sent out every day, they could feed a homeless family for a week, maybe more! And then there were the bills… sure, because they were rich and owned such a big house, they had more bills than most, but still ,it was no wonder why middle class residents were losing their homes so often. She wasn’t even threatened by it and it still infuriated her. It was because of these hefty bills and tax hikes that there were more and more children growing up like Duo had, without home or a stable family.  
    Last night there had even been a report on the news about low income parents who had left their children on the streets to keep from going broke. Her company could do so much more, she knew that. But… it was a lot harder than just saying she should be doing more. Name donated more money to charities than any other CEO in the world and she had to fight tooth and nail just for that. Yuy Corporations was her company, but she had share holders, partners, and employees to think of.  
    Name held all the power in what policies YC had, but that was how companies fell, by leaving all the decisions in the hands of one person. The company had survived all these years by being able to adapt to the changing times and had had been able to do so by listening to its employees. One single opinion must be wrong at least once, so by listening to many voices, a leader gains a greater chance of being right, and not only that, can understand the people who rely on them. Her father, the previous CEO, had taught her that as a young girl and she lived by it.  
    So, no matter what she did, she had to listen to her employees, even if they decided something that she didn’t like. The last thing she needed in this stressful economy was anarchy or a mutiny. So, she would continue to donate and try to help people like Duo who needed a guiding hand while she hoped for an opportunity to do more in a way that wouldn’t endanger the company and the people who worked under her. Her father often told her that she had been born in a bad time, that this generation of the company would be the hardest yet and that he was sorry that she had to be the one to be burdened with it.   
    But Name was not sorry. If things were difficult, she would just try harder until she could rise against it. She had always been that way. Whenever anyone had said to her that she couldn’t do something, she had always strived to prove them wrong, even when it had not been in her best interests to do so. She stopped shuffling through the mail as a letter caught her eye. She had almost missed it and to anyone else, the envelope wouldn’t have looked extraordinary, but the stamp on it easily caught her eye.  
    The stamp was larger than normal and its edges were gold. It was an expensive stamp, used to send important mail overseas. The writing on it was Japanese and her address had come from a business stamp instead of being handwritten. Name frowned when she saw that the return address was the main branch of Yuy Corporations in Tokyo. What could the board of members possibly want with her right now? Unless a member had died and they needed her vote… but her father would have just called for something like that. There was just a single piece of paper in the envelope and she scanned through it quickly. All she needed was the first sentence to make her hands curl up in fury.  
  
   _‘We wish to inform you that your status as The CEO of Yuy Corporations is-‘_  
  
    “Mom, I’m home!” Name heard the front door open and Heero started to walk towards the kitchen, but she was too busy reading the letter to greet him.  
    As Heero and Duo entered the kitchen, Name slammed the letter on the counter.  
    “That spineless idiot!” she snapped, glaring at the piece of paper.  
    Heero had seldom ever seen his mother this angry and paused at the doorway. From behind him, Duo flinched and became just as frozen, confused at what was going on.   
    “Mom?” Heero asked cautiously.  
    Name sighed heavily, feeling guilty at the fear on Duo and Heero’s faces. She ran her fingers through her short, dark hair and tried to calm herself. It was bad, but nothing that she couldn’t handle. She had dealt with much worse as a mother, let alone a businesswoman, but she needed perspective, something to settle herself.   
    “I’m sorry, boys,” she apologized, “Just a bit of bad news.”   
    Duo stepped in front of Heero, trying to be bolder than he usually was. He had been scared at first, hearing Name’s angry, raised voice, but it was just instinctual. Loud noises meant anger. Anger meant pain. It was so engraved into his heart and mind, he didn’t think it would ever let go of him. But this was Name and whatever fear he had vanished with that knowledge.  
    “Name, what’s wrong?” he urged.  
    The Japanese woman before him was always calm and collected. The only times he had seen her angry or upset were when he had told her about his past or if she was worried about him or Heero. It scared him to see her like this, not because he thought she was dangerous, but because it made him wonder what was so bad that it could make her this upset. Name smiled gently at him, the worry in his eyes washing away her indignation and anger.  
    “Come here, sweetie,” she said softly.  
    Duo walked into her stretched arms and smiled as he felt her hug him tightly. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged back, sensing that she needed a hug just as much as he did.  
    “Just some silliness,” she soothed, “Nothing for either of you to worry about.”  
    She let go of him and kissed his forehead.  
    “Thank you, love, I needed that,” her soft expression was contagious, making Duo feel like his love fore her was burning like a small sun.  
    Heero picked the letter off the counter and read it. It didn’t take long for him to feel the same rage that his mother had.   
    “They think you’re unfit to be the CEO?!” he yelled, unable to believe what he was reading.  
    “Something along those lines,” Name muttered, crossing her arms over her chest.  
    Duo stared up at her. He had no idea what Name losing her job would mean for her and Heero, let alone himself. Name looked angry, but now worried. How could she look so sure after getting news like that?  
    “Who on the board would be stupid enough to question you?!” Heero demanded.   
    His mother was one of the best leaders that Yuy Corporation had ever had, everyone knew that! Questioning her leadership would be committing professional suicide. If they succeeded in kicking her out, there was no one suitable to take her place, and if they failed, then they had had no grounds to dismiss her in the first place and neither his mother nor grandfather would tolerate such a person in their company.  
    “I-I don’t understand,” Duo interrupted.  
    He had no idea how business worked, but it seemed like Name was doing a good job. Besides, she was the boss, wasn’t she? So how could her job be in jeopardy if she hadn’t done anything illegal?  
    “I’m the CEO,” Name explained to him, “But I also have a board that reviews the company’s success and policies. If they believe that I have made decisions that will hurt the company, even just one of them, they have the power to put my leadership under review.”  
    “How does that work?” Duo asked.  
    “A board member gathers evidence against me and brings it to the head of the board, along with a suggestion for replacement. The head reviews the evidence and unless he finds some fault, the evidence is then submitted to the entire board and they put it to a vote. If half or more vote against me, I must step down,” Name said.   
    “It’s not going to happen!” Heero protested, “Grandpa’s the head of the board and he knows what a good leader you are! He would never let that happen!”   
    Name smiled sadly at her son.  
    “It isn’t that simply,” she pointed out, “Your grandfather is a very honorable, strict man. Above all else, he is a businessman. He will not favor me simply because I am his daughter. As he should, he will do what is best for the company. If he was not such so straightforward and did not follow his own rules as the man who helped keep this company together, he would have hired whoever the board had wanted and not the one that he believed would do the best job, simply to curry their favor. However, the company is doing well. There is only one member who is stubborn enough, and foolish enough, to question me.”  
    Heero thought about that, but the answer came quickly to him and his eyes hardened.  
    “Uncle Mizu,” he growled.  
    “Why would your uncle want your mom to not be the CEO anymore?” Duo asked, becoming more confused by the minute.   
    He knew about as much about Heero’s family outside of what had happened to his father as he knew about their company’s policies. He had thought that his life was complicated, but the world of business was something else. It was like no one lived by the same rules as normal society.  
    “Mizu is my step brother,” Name told him, “My mother died when I was little more than a baby. After years of mourning, my father fell in love and married again to another woman. Her lover had abandoned her before Mizu had been born and had been struggling on her own. My family is fairly traditional, so my father’s marriage to her created quite a scandal. Not only did my step-mother come from a poor family, but she was an unwed mother, something that was very shameful. But Father loved her deeply and wished to take her away from her world of sorrow and strife. Even nowadays, it is hard for a single mother to find work and her raise her child on her own. I was lucky because I came from a wealthy family, so Heero and I never had to worry about much beyond our grief. My step-mother had not been so lucky, but Father helped her and gave her a new family and in time, the rest of the Yuy clan accepted her as their own. It had helped that, at the time, Father was the CEO and I was an only child. When the rest of the family learned that his new wife had a son, they had thought it would solve everything, since many of them did not want the business to be run by a woman. Mizu and I grew up together and I quickly accepted my father’s new wife as my mother, but Mizu never regarded me as his sister. Any affection we might have had for each other was lost when Father chose me to head the company instead of Mizu. Mizu is just as traditional as our family is, believing he should have been chosen for the job simply because he is male and older than me. Our family was split in half by the decision. Some believed, like Mizu, that was better than me for being a man and the rest believed that I was better because I was my father’s flesh and blood, while Mizu was only a Yuy by name. Either way, my father’s word was law. He gave Mizu a job on the board, but it only made my brother more bitter. He never understood that Father had given him the job because he had truly believed that Mizu’s insight would help the company. He had always thought he was just placating him. If there is one board member who thinks they can profit from this, it’s him.”  
    “But Grandpa will never elect him as the new CEO,” Heero argued, “He chose you because he didn’t think Mizu was good enough. Even if you have to step down, Uncle Mizu has to understand that he won’t get the job.”  
    “I don’t think that matters,” Name said, “I’m sure that Mizu is hoping that he is the only suitable candidate left, but deep down inside, I think he will settle with just destroying my career.”  
    “But why _now_?” Heero muttered, “They never would have sent you that letter unless he has some serious evidence against you! But how is that possible? You haven’t done anything wrong!”  
    “I think that’s rather obvious,” Name looked at Duo.  
    Duo felt like his stomach was trying to crawl into his intestines. This was all because of him? Of course it was. Name was a perfect leader for their family’s company. Even amidst the worst economy in decades, the Yuy Corporation was flourishing. Then, all of a sudden, she had taken in a penniless, teenaged whore out of the goodness of her heart. The media, apparently, thought all sorts of crazy things about their arrangement and Heero’s uncle had clearly seen this as some kind of weakness.  
    “So… this is all my fault?” Duo whispered in a tiny, lost voice.  
    He could feel tears forming in his eyes and he hated himself for them. Why couldn’t he be stronger? Why was he always so pathetic? He hated himself, not just for being so weak, but because of this whole mess. This wasn’t like having Name pay for his food, clothes, and hospital bills, or even him being such a burden with all his problems. Name could lose her job, all because of _him_. Name had given so much of herself, just to see to it hat he was healthy, safe, and happy. She was the most wonderful woman he had ever met. She didn’t deserve this.  
    “Sweetie, no,” Name made a pained noise, placing her hand on his shoulder and her head on top of his, “This is not your fault. Don’t you ever think that! Mizu would have pulled this stunt eventually, regardless of your presence in my life. I’ve told you this a thousand times: no matter the consequences, no matter what happens, I will never ever regret taking you in. You are a part of this family. If I have to lose my job just because I helped someone who needed me, then good riddance! But that isn’t going to happen,” she marched over to the phone and started to dial, “If Mizu thinks he can use _you_ to take my position from me, he’s more of a fool than I thought! You aren’t my weakness, far from it!”   
    Heero and Duo watched in amazement as Name punched the send button and someone picked up on the other end. Name seemed to listen to the other person, her expression becoming angrier and angrier.  
    “You know who this is!” she snapped, “If you have a problem with me and my methods, you tell me to my face, you coward! … I will speak to you however I wish! You don’t have my job, yet. … Cockiness isn’t becoming of a man who has no ground to stand on, Mizu… If you want a civilized conversation with me, don’t expect to hear it in your safe, cozy little home over the phone! … Fine. If I don’t see you by then, I’ll know the kind of coward you _really_ are!”   
    Name violently slammed the phone back on the hook. She took a deep breath, letting out all of her anger and frustration.  
    “What’s going on?” Heero asked.  
    He had always had the utmost confidence in his mother when it came to the family business. In fact, she impressed him. A lot of the board members, including his uncle Mizu, were backwards traditionalists, still believing that only men could run the world and that women in the office were just distractions fo the male leaders. His grandfather had had all the say about who would take over the company after him, but just allowing his mother to be the CEO had been a battle. His mother had told him about it once. She had been young at the time, in her early twenties, and had equated it to Sisyphus, cursed to push a rock up a hill for the rest of eternity.  
    Every time she had made a little bit of head way, that rock would roll back down the hill and she would find herself back at the beginning. The entire board had fought to have Mizu take his mother’s job, but his grandfather had refused. He had told the board that there was some by-law saying that only a blood descendant of his could take the position, but even Heero, who was almost as clueless about this stuff as Duo was, knew that such a silly rule could easily be ignored by the head of YC. The real reason was simply Mizu’s incompetence as a leader.   
    So, it completely amazed Heero that his mother had made the company this successful in this economy that none of those board members were willing to have her take n down. Even if Mizu was going against her now, Heero had faith in her. His mother always took care of things. Nothing since his father’s death had ever unhinged her, but she was still his mother and he was worried.  
    Heero had only met his uncle a handful of times. The first time that he could recall was at his father’s funeral. He had sat on his mother’s family’s side, but way in the back, looking bored by the whole mess. Heero had only noticed him because he had kept staring at him during the service. Even as a child, Heero had understood that his uncle Mizu didn’t like him very much. He had also understood that the only reason why his uncle was there was because his grandfather had forced him to. Realizing that, in that moment, he had hated Mizu right back.   
    Mizu had never actually spoken to him, but there had been plenty of those cold stares whenever he had visited with Heero’s grandfather and Heero had always remembered the rage he had felt at his uncle for daring to show such disrespect to his dead father. Now, he was trying to take the company from his mother. He had never had any real interest in Yuy Corporations even before his father’s death.  
    He had always understood that one day he would be expected to take his mother’s position, to lead the most prosperous company in the entire world, but it had been like any other child knowing that one day they would go to college. It was something they accepted as fact, but too far off in the future to even contemplate on. They didn’t even know what it was exactly, just barely aware of its presence.   
    Heero had used his status as an heir like a shield. It was inevitable that he would fill his mother’s shoes, so nobody seemed to care beyond that fact. Nobody cared about his grades, his behavior, or his dreams except for his mother. His future had already been decided for him. It had made things bleak, but simple and straight-forward. Even if the path in front of you wasn’t the one that you wanted to be on, if you knew where it led and there was nothing in your way, it was easier to just keep on walking. Even when it had seemed like he was rebelling against everything, in reality, he had just given up and allowed his ‘fate’ to control him, ignoring that little voice inside his head that said he would make a terrible leader.  
    He was exactly like how Duo had been, just trudging forward with his life, never growing, never changing, giving up and denying himself so much as a chance to try, just because it was easy and he didn’t think he would ever get anything better. He had stunted himself. Only… Duo was growing now. He had wandered off the path, to another that was frightening and new, but he was happy. Duo was leaving him behind while Heero, who hadn’t faced any of the difficult trials that Duo had, was still stuck at the same place.  
    Maybe that wasn’t fair to say that his problems and Duo’s were exactly the same. Duo’s fate had been to die as Wes’ slave and punching bag and his had been to become rich and powerful. How could you possibly say that those two things were similar? But he was sure that becoming CEO of his family’s company would bring him no happiness. That was probably a cliché, but after living with Duo and watching him learn and enjoy things that he had never experienced before, things that any normal kid would have grown bored with at Duo’s age made Heero wonder what he could be missing, too.   
    He had lived his life sheltered, in the lap of luxury. His mother had tried hard not to spoil him, refusing to hire maids and nannies, but it was impossible to live like a normal kid when you were Name Yuy’s only son. Everyone around him had treated him differently, his teachers, classmates, even his own relatives. He had been treated like a little prince, everyone double checking themselves to make sure that they wouldn’t offend him. That was why his friendship with Quatre and Trowa had lasted through the years. When they were around, Heero didn’t feel special because he was rich, he felt special because of their bond. Quatre and Trowa weren’t afraid to yell at him if he was acting like a jackass or tell him that they didn’t want to do what he wanted to do. It was refreshing to know that there were two people in his life that didn’t constantly lie to him just to get close to him.  
    He just wanted to do things that anyone else in the world could do, without having to worry about responsibilities and being careful just because he was the heir to the Yuy business. He wanted to travel to some far off land and climb a mountain. He wanted to go scuba diving in the ocean. He wanted to go to college and just be ‘that Asian guy with the blue eyes’ not ‘the Yuy’. He wanted to live in a cozy house with a fence and have to mow the grass on the weekends, not in a high rise penthouse where his meals were brought to him by servants. But most of all… he wanted to do those things with Duo.  
    He could kid himself into thinking that Duo would be with him for his entire life, but he knew better than anyone that if he became the CEO of Yuy Corporations, Duo wouldn’t be there. He wouldn’t want Duo to be there, to have to deal with that. He wanted Duo to have that normal life with the white picket fence, to go to college and find out what it was he wanted to do with his life. Duo didn’t deserve the stresses of the life that Heero was destined for. He knew now, with absolute certainty, that he didn’t want to take his mother’s position. Not ever. He was just too scared to tell his mother that.  
    Name looked at the two boys mournfully. They both looked so worried and she wished that she could tell them that it would be all right, that she had things under control, but she refused to lie to them. Until she was sure what Mizu had for evidence against her, she wasn’t sure of anything. All she knew was that, no matter what happened, she would make sure that she still had the means to take care of her children. Mizu, even if he got her job, couldn’t take that away from her.   
    “He’s coming here,” she said, wishing she could have hid this from them.  
    “What?!” Heero exploded, “Mom, are you crazy?! He’s trying to take your job away and he’s obviously attacking Duo in order to do it!” he glanced over at his best friend, “He can’t come here! Can’t you find some other place to meet?”  
    Name sighed.  
    “Heero, the situation is worse than you think it is. There’s something you have to realize,” she warned him, “If Mizu tries to take my job from me, it will be a contest between _you_ and _him_. According to the bylaws, only a Yuy can be the CEO, so only you and Mizu are suitable candidates. Your grandfather will not appoint Mizu, so it will all come down to his opinion of you and the board’s vote, if Mizu’s evidence persuades them.”  
    “But Heero’s only seventeen!” Duo yelled, “He’s still in _high school_! That has to be illegal! They can’t expect him to stop his life and take on this huge responsibility!”  
    “Anyone with a position in the company has to be at least eighteen years old, but Heero isn’t going to be seventeen forever. The board will certainly see it that way,” Name said sadly.  
    Heero felt like someone was choking him, like the walls were closing around him. This couldn’t actually be happening, right? He had known that this moment was coming, when he would have to drop everything and take up this huge responsibility, but never at this point in his life! Maybe fifteen, twenty years later, when his mother was ready to retire, not when he was still in high school. He didn’t want to take the job and now he was being forced to because there was no one else.  
    “Heero’s grandfather used to be the CEO, right?” Duo asked, “And now he’s the head of the board, so can’t he just change the rules and pick someone else?”  
    “If I’m asked to step down, my father will be the impromptu leader, yes, he is in charge of choosing the next CEO, but I’m not going to let it get that far,” she put her hand on Heero’s arm, giving him a reassuring squeeze, “Mizu is coming here because he isn’t just contesting my leadership, but your’s, too. I’m not going to let him bully us and I’m definitely not going to step down without a fight. I won’t let Heero take the fall for this.”  
    Heero knew that his mother, for all her power and professionalism wasn’t God. Even with all her confidence, she could still fail. But hearing her assurances soothed his fear. If she said that she would protect him, then she would.  
    “When is he coming?” Heero asked, feeling a bit better about the whole mess.  
    “His flight comes in tomorrow afternoon. He’d better rent a car because there’s no way in hell that I’m picking him up at the airport,” she muttered.  
    Heero and Duo looked at each other, both feeling trepidation at having to meet Mizu. Duo hadn’t had the displeasure of meeting Heero’s uncle, but he had already formed his own opinion of the man. It was something that he never did, knowing that people could surprise you and hated to form judgments about someone he hadn’t even met, but given all the trouble this man had put Name and Heero in, he could make an exception. It struck him at that moment, his anger at this Mizu and how out of character he felt towards him. Making judgments, having the urge to punch him when he met him… He was acting like how Name did when someone hurt Heero or himself. God… They really were his family, weren’t they?  
    Utter peace filled him at that revelation, certainly not the first time he had realized that, but it was just as powerful, maybe even more so. How else could he describe this protective feeling deep down in his heart? Heero, on the other hand, wasn’t worried as much about meeting his uncle as he was about Duo meeting him. He hadn’t been there for when Noventa had shown up, but according to his mother, it had been bad, enough for Duo to run away from home. Any vulnerability that any of them had, especially Duo, Mizu would pick at it and Heero didn’t want his best friend to go through that, but it couldn’t be helped. Nothing was going to stop Mizu from coming and if he knew Duo, and after this long, he certainly did, Duo was going to insist on sticking around.  
    “I’m sorry,” Name apologized again, “This won’t be easy on either of you.”  
    Heero felt Duo hold his hand, the feeling of the longhaired boy’s slender hand around his own making his heart soar and race. Duo smiled up at him and Heero easily smiled back. What had he been so worried about? Duo was strong, the strongest person he had ever met. For all the times he had run away, he had always come back one way or another. And Duo was even stronger now.  
    “It’s ok,” Duo said with a burst of rare confidence.  
    “We’ll be fine,” Heero agreed.  
    And they would. No matter what, Heero was now sure that their friendship could survive anything.   
  
  
  
End Part 2


	49. The Second Son Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mizu visits the family and threatens to depose Name with her relationship with Duo and informs them that Name and Heero must meet with Heero's grandfather in London.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 3  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    There was solemn mood during lunch at school for the five friends as Heero told Wufei about the letter his mother had gotten the previous day. Quatre and Trowa already knew about it, having eavesdropped outside the kitchen when Name had been explaining it to Duo and Heero. Everyone seemed subdued, especially Duo. Wufei seemed quieter than usual, too, he and Duo looking as though they were lost in their thoughts and barely touching their food. Heero couldn’t figure out why Wufei seemed so distant. He had been like this since he had come to school this morning, so it had nothing to do with this news about Heero’s uncle.   
    “Can he really do that to your mother so suddenly, and all on his own?” Wufei asked dubiously, “This seems like a pretty large shot in the dark for him to take over the company.”  
    “According to Name, it’s all legal,” Quatre said angrily, “It just isn’t very tasteful and downright spineless. Something like this would never fly in my father’s company! He would have that person kicked out before they even arranged such a hearing! Of course, Name is just like her father. She’d rather suffer in playing the rules than loosen her morals.”  
    “If Mom went behind Granddad’s back about this, it might work, but the board would know what she had done. Their view of her would be twisted and it would have a lot of consequences. My uncle isn’t just some greedy idiot, shooting for an impossible goal based on his own over-inflated view of himself. He obviously thinks he has a shot at getting Mom to step down. He’s well aware that he probably won’t get her job, but he hates her so much, he wants to shame and embarrass her. And who knows, maybe he really believes that she isn’t right for the company. He’s so traditional, his precious ‘manhood’ is probably offended that he has to take orders from a woman,” Heero said with a great deal of bitterness, taking a sip from the thermos of milk his mother had packed for him.  
    “Your mother is no woman,” Trowa said with a snort, “Especially not in your uncle’s way of thinking. I’ve seen her when she’s been pissed, she’s like a tornado wrapped around a hurricane covering a nuclear bomb, all with deadly precision. I’d like to see Mizu dare to tell her that her place is in the kitchen. She’d probably rip his balls off with her bare hands then tell him to make her a five course dinner and clean the entire house with a toothbrush.”  
    Heero sputtered out his milk as Wufei and Quatre stared at the tall Italian in a mix of amusement and shock. Duo laughed so hard at that visual imagery, he would have choked if he had been eating everything. That image of Heero’s uncle cleaning things with a toothbrush helped to erase the stern, harsh image of him in his mind. Heero felt the back of his neck burning and turned to look at the next table over. The teenagers sitting there were staring at them. Heero realized that they were shocked to hear Duo laugh like that, like he was about to fall off his seat. It irritated him, like they were seeing Duo as some kind of sideshow freak. That they were shocked to hear him laugh made him angry, because these people were so used to seeing him quiet and sad, but had done nothing to try to cheer him up. Out of spite, he glared at them and flipped them his middle finger. All of them turned back to their lunches in a flash, scared that he might come over there.  
    “I’m sure Name can take care of things,” Trowa continued, looking at Quatre, “but isn’t your father a partner to YC? Isn’t there some way he can stop this without causing a fuss? Heero’s mother might be too honorable to steer away from doing things by the book, but your father doesn’t care what methods he uses as long as his business prospers.”  
    Quatre was silent, looking down at his salad in a depressed expression. If anyone else had said that, he would have hit them. It was true that he and his father hadn’t spoken to each other since his father had found out about his relationship with Trowa and he had run away, but it was a matter of pride. And… something that he wouldn’t admit to anyone, even under penalty of torture… there was still a part of him that loved his father. When Duo said that he had mixed feelings about Wes, Quatre understood. He was too much of a coward to tell him that, but he did understand.  
    Maybe it was Duo’s convictions of his own twisted feelings being sick and wrong, or maybe it was his friends’ sympathy towards his father’s attitude, but Quatre felt almost as conflicted about his love for his father as Duo did towards Wes. At least Duo had legitimate reasons to have those feelings for Wes. The man had found Duo when he had been starving, on the cusp of still having childlike aspirations for love and a family, and becoming an emotionless animal, more focused on surviving than truly living. Wes had preyed on that. He had twisted Duo’s need for love into something perverse until Duo couldn’t even understand his own heart. Quatre couldn’t claim any of that.  
    His father had been harsh and cruel with his words when Quatre had confessed to being a homosexual. He had said some truly terrible things, so terrible that Quatre couldn’t even bear the thought of seeing his face or hearing his voice. His father had hurt him in a way that no other person had, or ever could. He would never forgive him for that. But he was too old to need his father anymore. He had the love of Iria, Heero, and Trowa, unlike Duo, who had had nothing. So why did he feel so lonely when he thought of his father? And why did it anger him when people talked down about the man? But Trowa was right. Where Name was noble and straightforward about her business practices, Shahir Winner was willing to bend the rules, if it went more prosperity. Quatre wouldn’t go as far as to say that his father was a criminal, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he didn’t really know all that much about his father.  
    “It’s not that simple,” Quatre murmured, “There are three problems. First, Father is just a partner, not a member of the board of directors. He has no say in their policies. He isn’t even allowed to vote. He has a great fortune and a lot of power, but he holds no say in Yuy Corporations. Second, there is a problem in my homeland. There are guerilla groups targeting large corporations like my Father’s for doing business with other countries. They have destroyed oil wells and bombed certain cities to make statements. Our economy is failing and Father has had to sever ties with the countries he has made contracts with to help our home. Because of that, many of these countries are angry with him. Those contracts meant life or death for their economy. The way they see it, he has lied and abandoned them. He’s trying to soothe hurt feelings and save our people at the same time and it is very taxing.”  
    Heero and Trowa were shocked to hear about all this. Neither of them watched the news very often and relied on Name and Quatre to tell them about what was going on in Quatre and Heero’s native countries. To hear that Quatre’s homeland was suffering and that his family might be in danger was frightening since America, though having its own troubles, seemed peaceful. Trowa realized that Quatre had probably known about this for some time and it had been weighing heavily on his thoughts. He squeezed his lover’s hand, trying to comfort him, and felt useless. He couldn’t even detect when something was wrong with Quatre, he was such a pitiful boyfriend. If Quatre had been displaying signs of stress, Trowa had assumed that it was because of Duo’s problems with Wes, Heero, and now Williams. Was he really that blind?   
    “You heard that from Iria?” he asked softly.  
    Quatre nodded.  
    “She went back home a week ago. She says that the news here isn’t covering it very much, but there have been some bombings close to our city. She’s worried, but Father doesn’t think it will escalate much further. She says that he is sure of himself, but she is worried,” he said.  
    And when Iria was worried, Quatre was worried, Trowa thought. But the real question was… _did_ she have a reason to worry? Next to Trowa, Wufei glanced over at Quatre with equal worry, then looked back down at his untouched food. Fai… he couldn’t stop thinking about what his lover had wrote, about the bombings and the army. He had tried to talk about it when they had spoken on the phone, but Fai’s voice had trembled and Wufei had been unable to press him for information. He wanted to know what was going on, but it unsettled Fai and he hated hearing his voice sounding like that. And now this… was the whole world falling apart? He should have forced Fai to stay here, at any cost. Now, all he could think about was war, with the one he loved the most stuck in the middle of it all.  
    “And the third reason is… well, I haven’t even spoken to him since the night I left. I don’t think I ever will,” Quatre said bitterly, then turned apologetic eyes to Heero, “I’m sorry, Heero, but I’m too much of a coward to ask him for such a favor. Even if I knew he would do it despite his hatred for me, I can’t face him after what he said to me.”  
    Heero shook his head.  
    “You don’t need to apologize to me for that. I would never ask you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. You know how my Mom hates your dad. She does business with him because, as a CEO, she has to be impartial, but she never deals with him beyond that because she knows how he treated you and how traditional he is. She wouldn’t accept his help and there’s no reason for you to have to deal with him, either,” he tried to comfort his childhood friend.   
    “Heero’s right,” Duo smiled kindly at the sad blonde, “Not wanting to talk to your father doesn’t make you weak, and you shouldn’t apologize for it. He hurt you a lot, right? Then he doesn’t deserve your time or your words. Name doesn’t need his help anyway. I know she’ll put this guy in his place and everything will go back to normal!”  
    “How can you sound so confident?” Heero asked in confusion, even though he knew that it was nice to see Duo assured about something, “I know you’re worried about him coming over today.”  
    “I know your mother well enough to know that she won’t let anyone push her around,” Duo said in an almost murmur, “I’m worried because I’ve never met your uncle. I have no idea what he’s like. I’m strong enough now not to run away just because I have to meet some strange guy, but I’m still nervous about it. I know that he hates you and Name, so he must hate me, too. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but at the same time, while I don’t know your Uncle Mizu, I know Name. I’ve seen her do some pretty incredible things. Even with all my problems, she’s been there for me every step of the way. I’d be an idiot to think that she would let something like this bring her down. I just have confidence in her, that’s all.”  
    “I still think you should stay out of the house today,” Heero said with a frown, “You told Mom that you wanted to stay, to meet him, but I don’t think that’s a good idea. He’s obviously using you to get to her. Nothing he brings up about you could bring her down, but I don’t like him being around you. He isn’t like my Mom. He’s not above using dirty tactics.”  
    “It’s like you said,” Duo shot back, meeting Heero’s stare, “He’s using me to do this. I don’t like that. It’s like… it’s my fault. Name said it wasn’t and I believe her, but he wants me to feel guilty, he wants her to feel guilty. This involves me directly and I’m powerless. If the only thing I can do is stand up to him and look him in the eye, then that’s what I’m going to do.”  
    His four friends smiled at him and Duo felt an even stronger conviction that he would meet Mizu. He had spent his whole life running away. For once, he wanted to see what it felt like to stand his ground.  
    “In any case, we don’t really have anything to worry about,” Quatre told them, beaming, “Even if Mizu does get her fired, which he won’t, she’s still a Yuy, and a great business woman. She’ll still have all her shares in the company and she’ll probably just be demoted, but she won’t loose any of her money. It’s just a matter of pride.”  
    Heero snorted.  
    “Which my mother is full of,” he pointed out, glancing at his best friend, “It’s just like Duo’s grade. It’s the principle of the thing.”      
    Quatre sighed.   
    “Fine,” he conceded, “I just don’t want you and Duo to get all worked up about it. Especially you,” he looked at Duo sternly, “You’re finally in a good place. You’re more confident, stronger, healthier, and happier and I don’t want that scumbag to make you feel like crap. You don’t deserve that!”  
    “Don’t worry,” Duo assured him, “I have much bigger problems to freak out about than some moron that thinks he can scare me and Name.”  
    He looked at Heero sheepishly as he realized he had just called Heero’s uncle a moron.  
    “Sorry,” he mumbled.  
    Heero chuckled.   
    “Don’t be,” he said with a grin, fully agreeing with Duo’s sentiment.  
  
*****  
  
    Duo had said that he had bigger problems, and that was certainly true. Compared to Wes’ madness and violence, Mizu Yuy seemed like a little kid to him, throwing a temper tantrum and making everyone in ear shot miserable for it. Hell, even Zechs’ obsession was a bigger threat than Mizu. But Duo was quiet through the rest of the school day and on the ride back to his house. He had been doing a lot of thinking lately, about all sorts of things, to the point that, sometimes, he worried that his skull might crack open. Wes, Chris, Shi, Solo, Amaaya, his grades, Heero, his past, his future, Zechs, Relena, where he had come from, Fai, college, Name, Mizu… it was all swirling around in his brain, trying to make him half mad.  
    Was Chris hunting him along with Wes? When would Wes come for him? Why had he said that he loved him? Were his old friends all right? Should he try to find them, or did they not think about him at all anymore? He hadn’t really seen Zechs and Relena in awhile, but instead of making him feel better, it worried him severely. It was like getting lost in the jungle. You couldn’t see the tiger, but you knew it was there, stalking you, hunting you, and all you could do was wait for it strike. Was Fai safe? He knew it was Wufei’s business, not his, but he had meant what he had said about Fai being his friend. He had so few, but the ones he had were special to him. Should he try for college, and if he didn’t, what were his other options?  
    Lately, a lot of things had changed for him, things that he didn’t think anyone else was aware of, but had been on his mind for awhile. For a very long time, he had felt alienated from Heero and his mother. He had felt like a guest or visitor in their home, even though he lived there. When he thought about that house, he had always seen it as ‘Heero’s house’ or ‘The Yuy’s’. Now, he thought of it as ‘my home’. It was a strange transition. He had always thought that of it as his safe place, but there was had always been a part of him that felt out of place, that he didn’t really belong there. He knew, logically, that it was just a subconscious, defense mechanism. If he thought he didn’t belong there, when he was finally kicked out, it would be like he had expected it to happen and it wouldn’t be so painful.   
    He had been living with Name and Heero for over five months now. That was just… staggering. When Name had told him that he was coming home with them, he had been so happy, but the cynical part of himself had thought he would only last a month, that eventually, they would get sick of taking care of him, but that had never happened. He had learned to trust them and in doing that, he was starting to trust people all together. It was a dangerous road for him, a split between how he should be thinking and completely contrary to the world he had lived in so far. And somewhere along the way… he had stopped thinking of Name as Heero’s mother and had started to think of her as his own.  
    That wouldn’t be so horrible if Name didn’t refer to him as her other son every now and again. It was so dangerous for him to think that way. It wouldn’t take very much at all for her to destroy him, like Wes’ ‘love’ had nearly destroyed him. But he couldn’t help it. The only thing he had ever wanted was a parent, someone who loved him, and Name gave him that. It was like a dealer giving an addict their fix for free. They could be cut off at any moment, but it was impossible to stop it. Now, with Heero talking about his uncle and Quatre, his sister and father, Duo couldn’t stop thinking about family. He had always been ok with the fact that he had no idea what had happened to his own family, if he had ever had one, and where he had come from.  
    Well, saying that he had been fine with it wasn’t entirely true. It was something that had always bothered him, but something he had accepted that he would never find out. Hearing Name talk about her and Heero’s family made him feel… well… jealous. It wasn’t something that he was very proud of, but it made him yearn to know where his own family was and who they were. It was just curiosity. He still believed what he had told Trowa in the that rest stop on their way to Boston. Even if he knew who his parents were, he had no intention of meeting them or their family. There was too much bitterness. If they were alive, he could never forgive them. He wouldn’t even be able to look them in the eye, let alone accept them.   
    Even if it hadn’t been their faults, he _hated_ his parents. Just thinking about them filled him with a terrible rage, a rage that he loathed because it was so out of character for him. If they were alive, he was incapable of feeling any other emotion for them, especially love. That was probably sick. After all, some part of him loved Wes. But Wes had been a part of his life. Even if he had hurt him, at least Duo knew him and he had allowed Duo to live with him. Even his parents couldn’t say that much. If they were dead, there was no point in feeling anything for them but regret. He had never known them and never would, so why should he love someone that wasn’t even so much as a ghost to him?  
    In his mind, Duo truly believed that everything that had happened in his life were his parents’ faults. If they were dead, he couldn’t blame them. But if they were still alive, if they had abandoned him, then they had allowed him to be raped, to starve, to almost die hundreds of times. How could he possibly love someone who hadn’t even had the decency to leave him with something to cling to? A name, a memory, _something_! Thinking about those things made his heart hurt, more than it hurt when he thought about Wes. How weird was that, to hate someone he had never met more than his own rapist? It would be nice to know… but at the same time, he worried about what that would do to his heart. If he met them, he knew it would come down to a choice: Name or them.  
    How was that even a choice? If they didn’t want him, that would only make him hate them more. If they did, they could never compare to the woman that had paid his hospital bills, had given him a home, an education, hope, and a real family. His very first, normal family. He knew what Heero’s uncle was trying to do. He wanted Name to be ashamed of taking him in, for being kind. And he knew that Name would never feel those things. She was too good. In that way, they had already won. Mizu would never humiliate his sister and Name would never stop loving him, not over this. He had put Heero, her real son, in mortal danger, but she still hadn’t stopped loving him. How could someone like Heero’s uncle destroy what Duo had failed to? As long as Name loved him, Duo couldn’t be scared of this man.  
    But just because he wasn’t scared of him didn’t mean he was comfortable with him coming over here, either. He was angry that Mizu was trying to hurt Name and him coming here felt like he was intruding on Duo’s sanctuary, but he wanted to face him head on. He was sick of people pushing him around, just because they were rich or more educated or some other bullshit reason. But most of all… he was tired. He was doing so much better than back when Name had first brought him home. The person he had been when he had first met Heero was quickly becoming a bad memory to him, even when he had his bad moments, but even those moments were getting fewer and fewer.  
    He wasn’t all better, something that he was starting to accept, but as long as he was walking forward, instead of backwards or not at all, he thought he could handle those dark moments a little bit better. Strange people still scared him, he still doubted himself, still had constant nightmares, and still had very little self confidence, but he was trusting people, and himself, a little bit more, and that was something. Sometimes it didn’t seem like very much, then he would look back at everything that had happened since he had moved in with Heero and it seemed as though he had been living there for years, not months. So much had snuck up on him. Relena’s stupid plots, Boston, his issues with Heero, Wes, his cats, Wufei’s boyfriend, and all the little stuff in between… thinking about it made his head hurt.   
    It seemed like so much, and thinking about everything he had gone through in those five months overwhelmed him at times. He was constantly teetering on some invisible edge. Just when he thought he had a handle on things, something happened to throw him off course again. He always survived, though, but it made him wonder how much strength he had. It made him wonder what the future would bring. In the past, he had lived one day at a time, the future being too bleak and unbearable for him to think about. But now, even though he tried to maintain that outlook of one day at a time, he kept peeking at those ‘maybes’. Wes’ recent assault on him hadn’t helped at all. It had made him realize that things couldn’t continue on this way. He couldn’t live the rest of his life looking over his shoulder.  
    Sooner or later, Wes would make another move. No matter the precautions Name made, it would happen. It was just inevitable. The unmovable object meeting the unstoppable force, but who was the object and who was the force? Wes, or his new life? Which one would break away first? Duo shook his head as he stood all alone in the front hallway of his home. He was sick and tired of his own thoughts. From where he was standing, he could Heero and Name arguing in the living room. They weren’t being very loud, for which he was grateful. He was still reflexively frightened by loud noises and couldn’t stand yelling, but the mother and son didn’t seem to be angry at each other.   
    Heero didn’t want Duo to be here for when Mizu came and Name wanted to respect Duo’s decision. It made him happy when Heero worried about him and wanted to protect him, but he also loved that Name respected him like that. He didn’t know whose side he was on, but listening to the two stubborn people bickering was more amusing than worrisome. The sound of someone knocking on the door almost made him flinch. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He could do this. He would not let this man make him afraid or doubtful. He refused to let this be like that time when he had met Noventa. He swore to himself as he strode purposefully to the door that he would not run away again or believe any cruel thing that Mizu said to him. He opened the door before Heero or Name could even leave the living room, if they had heard the knocking, which made Duo wonder why their visitor hadn’t rung the doorbell, if he or she was actually trying to hide their presence.  
    Duo was sure, without a sliver of a doubt, that the man standing before him was Heero’s uncle, although he certainly wasn’t the man he had been picturing in his head. He knew that Name was in her very early forties, though she looked like she was only in her mid thirties, and that Mizu was older than her, though she hadn’t said how much. With Heero’s description of his uncle, Duo had been picturing a man just like Noventa, only younger, a pompous man in his forties or fifties with classic Japanese looks, unlike Heero, dark brown hair and eyes like Name’s, broad shoulders dressed in a business suit, and a tan face with a light beard. The man standing on his doorstep was indeed wearing a business suit and had the same features as Yuki and Name, but he had gotten everything else wrong.  
    If you didn’t know that Name and Mizu weren’t blood related, it was still pretty obvious. One thing Duo hadn’t counted on was Mizu’s height. For a man who had had two Japanese parents, he was pretty damn tall, even taller than Heero. His hair was jet black, in a style that wasn’t clear cut like how Duo had thought it would be, but it wasn’t messy like Heero’s either. It fell against Mizu’s pale cheeks and hung around his chin and neck. The man’s face was clean shaven and, much like Name, he looked younger than he probably was, though Duo thought that was because of his thin body and smooth face. He looked like a scarecrow, thin and tall, pale and lifeless. His eyes were as black as his hair. For a moment, Mizu reminded him of Yuki, though his late friend had been much shorter and had much paler skin.   
    Duo berated himself for even thinking that Yuki was like this man. It was all in the eyes. He had been able to see Yuki’s pupils, the black of his eyes a little bit lighter, but Mizu’s eyes were one flat, dark color. It was like looking at the eyes of a shark, eyes designed so you couldn’t tell what they were thinking about. They were sharp and cold, suddenly reminding Duo more of Wes than Yuki. Yuki’s eyes had had some light to them, some kindness, even if Yuki himself had been quiet and subdued. Maybe it was just Duo’s dislike of this man that was painting such features on him, but all he knew was that the black haired man rubbed him the wrong way. Those black eyes looked down on him and Duo shuddered a little as Mizu looked at him in disdain, like Duo was nothing more than some smelly trash his expensive shoes had wandered into.  
    Mizu made a small grunting noise at him, then forced his way past Duo and into the house, almost shoving the smaller boy to the ground. Duo stumbled, then stared at the man’s back in shock at his audacity. He hadn’t thought it physically possible, but this man was even ruder than Relena was! At least she had spoken to him, acknowledging his presence before shoving past him. He watched in anger as Mizu didn’t even bother to take off his shoes as he walked down the hallway. He didn’t know why it pissed him off so much, but it did. A lot. Hell, Shi and Solo had more manners than this so-called businessman! Duo shut the door behind him, hurriedly following the tall man. He didn’t have to go far as Name and Heero suddenly materialized in the hallway, Name crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at her step-brother.  
    “At least you’re punctual, onii- _chan_ ,” Name said the last part of the title forcefully, like it was a curse, but Duo could have sworn her lips were about to twitch in smugness.  
    From behind her, Heero was smirking at his uncle. Duo didn’t get what Name had just said, but it made Mizu finally break his cold front and glare at her, gritting his teeth.  
    “Name (1),” he grounded out, “Are you going to invite me in?”  
    “I don’t see why I should, since you just broke in all on your own,” she responded flatly, irritated with his address, “What would To-chan say about your lack of manners?”  
    Mizu nearly growled at her, his face contorting into absolute rage. Heero had to turn his head to keep from laughing. His uncle was the coldest son of a bitch he had ever met, well, besides Wes, but his mother had this unique talent for pissing him off. It was pretty damn funny to watch, since Mizu was usually so composed. He knew that it always pissed Mizu off, the way that his mother addressed him and their father. Mizu had been caught by his mother calling his step-father ‘To-chan’ and she had scolded him severely for it. Heero remembered that conversation with a smug smile. His grandmother had told him that Mizu was showing a great deal of disrespect, calling his step-father something so familiar and casual when he was the head of the family and they were not blood related. Name, however, had always called her father that, even now, and no one had ever told her to call him anything else.  
    Heero knew how much his status in their family got to his uncle. The way he saw it, he was older than Name and was better than her, because she was a woman, but she constantly looked down on him and treated him like the younger sibling. His mother was higher in status than Mizu in both business and family, being the sole heir, so around their parents and business partners, Mizu was forced to show her the utmost respect while Name didn’t have to give him the time of day. Name’s irritation dissolved once she saw Duo standing behind Mizu, his violet eyes darting from the man to Name in confusion and anxiety. Her expression melted into a tender smile, one that threw Mizu completely off guard, loosing his footing in the verbal battle between siblings.  
    “Duo, sweetie,” she said softly, “Come here.”  
    The longhaired American eagerly obeyed her, feeling like a little kitten who had been abused by a neighbor, only to go running to his owner, knowing that she would protect him. Oddly enough, he was ok with that analogy. He dodged past Mizu, having this paranoid vision of the man grabbing his braid and hitting him. It was something that Wes would do in this situation and he couldn’t help but flinch as he passed. Name looked at him sadly, noticing the flinch, and her rage at her brother grew. Duo hardly flinched at all anymore, and never around the people that loved him. It reminded her of when they had first met, how scared and lonely he had been, like a mouse that knew he was about to be torn apart and eaten by a cruel feline. She touched his arm lightly and wanted to hug him, but knew he would be thrown off balance by it.   
    “So what the papers say is true,” Mizu said snidely, “You _have_ taken on a pet.”  
    Heero growled at his uncle, who barely even glanced at him, and was about to stride up to him and punch him in the face for his offensive comment when his mother cleared her throat. She shot him a stern look and without another word, walked back into the living room, keeping her hand on Duo, trying to measure his stress through his t-shirt. Sure enough, she could just barely feel his muscles bunching up and his expression was strained. On the outside, she was as cold and professional as Mizu had been when he had walked through her front door, but inside, she was a bomb ready to go off. She fully understood Heero’s desire to attack his uncle, she wouldn’t even punish him if he did, but she wanted to get Mizu to tell her what he was planning and get him out of her house as quickly as possible.   
    Mizu and Heero followed Name and Duo into the living room. Heero caught the smug little smile on his uncle’s face and his stomach tightened up. He _hated_ this man. He had disrespected his father at his own funeral, had made his mother’s life miserable as children, was trying to take the company away from her, and was being completely offensive to his best friend. It would be so very easy to grab him by the back of his black suit and slam his head against the wall. But that would probably leave a dent, which his mother would make him fix, and worse, scare Duo. He had promised himself that he would try his best not to resort to violence ever since he had beaten up that kid for making fun of Duo’s hair.   
    Mizu eyed the living room with distaste. Name knew that he was probably comparing everything to their father’s place in Tokyo and finding this American home lacking. It gave her a huge sense of contrast as she looked from her brother to Duo. When the teenager had first seen this place, he had been completely overwhelmed, not understanding that this house was actually less expensive and smaller than the houses that she and Heero were used to living in. To him, this place was a palace. To Mizu, it was quaint. If Mizu was forced to step foot in the apartment that Duo used to live in with Wes, Name was sure that he would shrivel up and die from disgust alone. The thought made her smirk. Then, her brother turned those disgusted eyes on Duo and any amusement she felt died.  
    “Maybe someone should escort the trash out,” Mizu suggested with a nasty smirk, his sharp, black eyes firmly on Duo.  
    Duo stared at him, his eyes wide in shock. He was sure that Name and Heero had similar expressions, but all he could feel was his beating heart, racing wildly in his chest.  
  
  
   _“Go ahead and scream. Do you think anyone cares about a little brat like you? Hah! You’re worthless! Even your own family didn’t have any use for you! You’re nothing but trash!”_  
  
  
    The color drained from Duo’s face and his lungs threatened to have him hyperventilate at any moment, but he took a long, deep breath instead. No… he wouldn’t let that memory stab at him. He wouldn’t let this… this hateful man hurt him. He wasn’t trash… was he…? But trash was something useless, something that someone threw away because they thought it was disgusting or unwanted. And in the end, wasn’t that what he was, something unwanted? It was like Zechs had said that time, even his own family hadn’t wanted him.   
    But… Name and Heero wanted him, didn’t they? Still, they wouldn’t say anything to Mizu about it, because Name needed to be civil in order for this to go well. He knew that. Name needed to prove to everyone that she was still the calm and collected leader she had always been. This was just one of those things that he had to let go of. He was used to being called names, so why did this hurt so much? Because there was a sliver of truth in it? Next to him, Name finally let her fury show on her face. Deep in her heart, where her anger and repulsion of her brother had been brewing, something snapped. Mizu stood feet away, watching Duo’s horrified expression with a growing smirk. He saw Name move towards him, but didn’t react in time. She struck him as hard as she could across the face.   
    Mizu’s head whipped to the side and he stumbled back by the force of the blow. Name was a good foot shorter than him, but made up for it with sheer emotion and strength. His black eyes widened in disbelief as he stared at her. She had struck him… _him_! Name noted with satisfaction that blood was trickling down from Mizu’s mouth, but she refused to show it on her face. She was far too furious and loved the momentary fear in his expression. He had been expecting that she would be civil, that he could say and do whatever he pleased and she would never retaliate, too afraid that her actions would cost her her job. Well, if he thought that he could barge into her home and hurt her kids, he was in for a rude lesson about the real world and the maternal instinct.   
    “For as long as you are standing in my home, you will respect my children,” she hissed at him, the picture of ice and fierceness.   
    “Your _children_?!” Mizu yelled in fury, glaring at Duo as though he had been the one to strike him and not Name, then laughed in disdain, “He’s a cur. A diseased mutt you found wandering in your backyard! And you call him your _son_?!” Mizu laughed again, almost hysterically, “How the mighty have fallen! He might lick your shoes and pander after you as you give him treats, but he’s filth, Name. He isn’t even worthy of looking you in the eye.”      
    Duo had that feeling again, that hollowness in his heart, like he was collapsing in on himself. They were things that he had heard before, Zechs calling him trash, telling him to lick his shoes because he wasn’t worthy of his presence… but it had been awhile since he had heard those things. But Name had defended him, she had hit her own brother to protect his honor… compared to that… did this man’s words even mean anything? Any hurt he was still feeling was soothed as Name put her arm over his shoulder and kissed the top of his head. He looked up at Mizu defiantly. He could say that Name had no right to call him her child, but he still had her love. Nothing Mizu said could take that away from him. He could feel her body tremble and he knew it wasn’t from fear. She was so furious, she couldn’t even control herself. Normally, whether or not the anger was directed at him, Duo would have the need to run and hide. But now, in this moment, he felt empowered. He wasn’t scared of her. For once, he wasn’t scared at all. That rage was for his sake… she loved him that much.   
    “Duo is more of a Yuy than you will ever be,” Name shot back at Mizu, precisely hitting him in his most vulnerable spot.  
    Mizu’s eyes widened minutely, then, what little color he had drained from him. His cool, prideful mask shattered and one of rage and humiliation replaced it. How dare she say that in front of that… that…   
    “You bitch,” he snarled, forgetting his place in his anger.  
    “Watch your tongue,” Name ordered so sharply that Mizu actually took a step back, “Remember who you are speaking to. Even if you take this company away from me, you will always be second best. You do understand your place, don’t you? No matter how much you drag my name through the mud, you will _never_ be a Yuy, let alone a leader.”  
    Mizu’s large hands curled into fists and Heero quickly walked over to Duo’s other side, fearing that his uncle might do something foolish. Name leaned her cheek against Duo’s head, to comfort both him and herself, trying to use the feeling of his silken hair to settle her anger. She needed to be the one in control, the one with all the cards.   
    “How dare you?!” he snarled, “Just because I wasn’t born into your pitiful family-,”  
    “Your birth has nothing to do with it,” Name shot back, “A Yuy is the same as a leader. We must be responsible, noble, and strong. Most of all, we must be _kind_. Do you think that this company has lasted this long through bullying? We form bonds with the people we do business with. Our employees are happy and never desert us. Other companies jump through hoops for our favor, knowing we will never backstab them! We are reliable and have helped change the world for the better for centuries! _You_ , on the other hand, are a selfish, cowardly _child_! I know how you think you will win this! You think that you can use my charity and my care for Duo to push me around. Father didn’t refuse you as an heir because you don’t have his blood in your veins, he did it because he saw the pathetic excuse for a man that you are!”   
    “Father is a fool!” Mizu snapped, loosing control of himself, “Any man is a better leader than a weak woman! And a single mother at that! You clearly aren’t suited for a man’s work! You let your feminine heart be swayed by gutter filth, pilfering your wealth away on the lower class! You can’t even control your son! Your husband was weak, too, wanting no part in the most powerful company in the world! If he hadn’t been so weak, he wouldn’t have died! Your son is the same way! It‘s no wonder why your son is a faggot, coming from the loins of weakness!”  
    Heero saw white at Mizu’s accusations that his father’s death was his own fault and leapt forward. Duo realized that Heero wouldn’t be able to control himself once he heard his uncle say those terrible things about Heero’s father and grabbed his arm, pulling him back.  
    “Heero, don’t,” he pleaded and was relieved when Heero seemed to come back to himself, looking back at Duo as though he were begging him to let him go, to let him kill the man before them.  
    “He isn’t worth it,” Duo stared at Mizu, his violet eyes cold in an expression that neither Heero nor Name had ever seen before, something deadly and truly frightening, “He’s just a scared, pathetic coward, like Name said.”  
    Mizu sneered at the boy, infuriated that a lower class child like him was even speaking.  
    “You think you know me, you little shit?” he growled, “What does a simpering boil on the surface of mankind like you know of a man like me?”  
    “Oh, I know you,” Duo shot back, “I’ve met you a hundred times, men just like you. Boys who call themselves men, strong, confident, and brave, because they can dominate children and women, people who can’t fight back. You call Name and Heero weak, but you’re the one who’s weak! Name’s a great leader, not just a ‘weak woman’. If you think that you can make that distinction, that all women and homosexuals are weak, grow up! A man is someone, anyone, regardless of sex, who can stand up against someone stronger than them, not weaker, and never stand down! Heero’s done that,” he smiled at his best friend, remembering how Heero had fought against Wes, “He’s stood up against a man twice his size holding a loaded gun and didn’t even blink! Compared to him, you’re just a little boy, not willing to even stand up against a bully because you think your name will save you. A name’s just a name. Your last name might be Yuy, but that’s all you are. Everything else is hollow, a lie,” Duo smirked, “I haven’t met Heero’s grandfather, but think about it. Next to Name, he’s the most successful businessman that ever lived, and he chose _her_ over _you_ , a man. I guess he must have seen how worthless you are as a leader.”  
    “You fucking-,” Mizu strode forward.  
    Name stood in front of Duo, both her and Heero staring him down.   
    “Enough!” she yelled in the tone that made the most pompous, wealthiest businessmen shut up, drop what they were doing, and listen, and it was enough to stop Mizu dead in his tracks, that, or the murderous expression in Heero’s eyes, “I didn’t invite you here to listen to you verbally attack my family. Tell me Father’s decision and leave. Oh, and if you ever call my son a… a… _that word_ again, I’ll do more than just give you a nasty bruise.”  
    Mizu gritted his teeth at her, knowing full well that he had lost the battle, but still confident that he was going to get what he wanted.  
    “Father has decided that he wants to talk to you in person. He wishes to keep things personal and out of the board room for his _precious daughter_. Sentimental old fool,” he muttered under his breath, “He wants to meet in the London branch. You and the f…” Mizu looked coldly at Heero, who was still glaring at him, and falsely mended his words, “the whelp. I’m sure you know where that is.”  
    “Of course,” Name waved him off, quickly growing weary of her brother’s presence.   
    “He, however,” Mizu glared at Duo with pure hatred, “is not welcome. Just as well, the security guards would no doubt shoot the mongrel on site.”  
    “Get the fuck out of my house!” Name shouted, storming after Mizu as he turned to leave.   
    “You have blood on your face,” Duo called flatly to Mizu.  
    The look of shock on the Japanese man’s face, and his hasty scrubbing of the corner of his mouth, which only smeared the blood across his cheek, almost dissolved the tension. As soon as Name and Heero were out of sight, however, Duo’s confidence fled him and his shoulders started to shake. There was a part of him that wanted to deny what he was thinking, but he knew it. He knew what was going to happen now. He clutched his shirt above his heart, feeling it ache and swell with fear.   
    “What’s wrong?” Heero asked in concern, seeing Duo’s heartbroken look.  
    “I’m sorry,” Duo whispered, then ran out of the room, almost running into Name as she walked back in.  
    “Hey!” she shouted in alarm, trying to grab the back of Duo’s shirt, but missed as he darted around her, still just as fast as ever, and ran up the steps to his bedroom.   
    She shook her head.  
    “Oh, Duo,” she murmured, realizing what was going on, even when Heero didn’t.   
    “What was that about?” Heero asked, wanting to run after his friend.  
    Name sighed. Her son was so hopelessly oblivious sometimes…  
    “He’s scared, Heero. He’s realized something that hasn’t clicked in your brain quite yet,” she said sadly, approaching him.  
    “And what is that?” Heero asked irritably, “Why does he have to be scared? You saw him, he stood up to Mizu. Hell, he _scolded_ him, like he was a little kid!”  
    Name smiled. Yes, Duo ranting at her step brother had definitely made her day. He couldn’t even stand up to his own friends sometimes, too scared and used to being the weak one, but his love for them had given him the anger and the strength to stand up to a man who overpowered him financially and physically. If that wasn’t proof that he was growing, she didn’t know what was. Still, she was a bit irritated that Duo could see what Heero refused to. He was such an optimist, but Duo was a realist, and a pessimist. He could see the truth, but also saw the worst of it.   
    “Heero, you heard what Mizu said,” she reminded him, “And I’m sorry, I’m very, very sorry, but you can’t go against your grandfather’s wishes.”  
    Heero’s blue eyes widened.  
    “No, you can’t mean…” he shook his head in denial, “I’m not going back to London! I refuse! I don’t care if he’s the head of the board _or_ my grandfather!”  
    “It isn’t that simple,” his mother said kindly, “I’m sure that there is a very good reason why my father wants to see you again. It’s in our best interests to do as he says, and hope that by obeying him, when can make this mess go away as quickly as possible.”  
    “And what about Duo’s best interests?!” Heero snapped, “I haven’t been away from him since we had that huge misunderstanding and he disappeared from school for all that time! He needs me, he needs you! And Wes is out there, stalking him! Don’t you think this is the perfect excuse he needs to kidnap Duo, or even kill him?! Are you even thinking about him at all?!”  
    “It’s for Duo’s sake that we are going back to London,” Name said testily, “This is beyond my position at the company. Your grandfather is a family man, who loves the two of us. Mizu will try to make him think that my taking in Duo is hurting the company, but in doing so, he can also make your grandfather think that Duo is hurting us, as a family. He might not be the CEO anymore, but he has more power and influence than you could ever imagine. He might not be as nasty as Wes, but he has the power to make Duo disappear from our lives. All it would take is one phone call to the police or child services and he can make sure that no amount of money I have will bring Duo back to us. I don’t want to believe that he would do such a thing, but that man does have a protective streak. The only person in this world that can convince him that Duo’s place is with us is you,” she sighed heavily, feeling a headache coming on, “I know it’s a risk. Wes is just as tenacious as your uncle and grandfather, probably even more so. And he doesn’t care about what laws he has to break, which makes him unpredictable, the worst sort of enemy. But I promise you, Heero, he will be safe. Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei will be here. He won’t ever be alone. He has his taser and cell phone and I’m sure he won’t leave the house while we’re gone. If anyone breaks in, Quatre, Trowa, and Duo will know about it. Trowa knows what do if that happens.”  
    Heero didn’t question her about what Trowa would do against a man with a gun. He knew Trowa had a license to carry any weapon, because of his previous job as a knife thrower in the circus, but also knew that Trowa hated guns. But… if it was Duo’s life on the line… he didn’t want to think about it. He knew his mother was right. Wes couldn’t be so crazy that he would try to kidnap Duo during the day, in front of other people, and Duo wasn’t stupid enough to leave the house during the night. But Wes had tried to take him at work, what if that happened again? His mother put her hand on his shoulder, but Heero felt just as scared. Terrified, really. Even if Wes hadn’t shown up with his terrible timing, Heero didn’t want to leave Duo and he especially didn’t want to go back to England.  
    “It won’t be so bad, Heero,” Name soothed, “I’ll explain things to Quatre and Trowa. I’m going to call Duo’s boss first thing tomorrow and have him take sick leave until we get back. I’m not taking the chance that Wes will repeat himself. Quatre and Trowa will walk Duo home from school, though I doubt Wes is stupid enough to try something on a busy street. We’ll only be in England for two days, three at the very most. We’ll get this matter settled and be back by the time your summer vacation starts. Besides, you’ll get to see your grandma and grandpa again, that won’t be so bad, will it?”  
    Heero finally smiled, though it was still strained. It was true that he loved his grandparents, they were both so kind to him, even his grandmother. Surprisingly, she seemed to like him more than her own son, though Heero knew that his grandfather was highly disappointed by his recent attitude. But he wanted to see them again, just not under these circumstances. He thought that his grandmother would like Duo.   
    “When do we leave?” he asked.  
    “I think it would be best if we left tomorrow morning,” Name said, “The quicker, the better. But Heero, you can’t let what Mizu says bother you like it did now. Your grandfather will expect us all to be civil.”  
    Heero blushed and looked away, remembering what his uncle had called him. How the hell had that bastard found out about his sexuality? He had been so careful… He had never really had a boyfriend, but he had made out with a few boys at his previous schools, though he had never felt for any of them how he felt about Duo. So… how had Mizu known? The tabloids made speculations, since he had broken off his engagement with Relena and had shot down Sylvia, two very beautiful and rich women. But none of them had any proof. Even if those boys had told someone, it was the kind of story that no magazine wanted to print, out of fear of the Yuy family. However, Heero wasn’t so worried about what his uncle knew as what his mother was going to say.  
    “Mom,” he said very hesitantly, “About what Uncle said… I just want you to know…”  
    Heero struggled with his words. Could he really tell his mother that he liked guys? That he would never marry a woman and give her grandchildren, something that he was sure that his mother would love?   
    “Heero,” Name cut him off, giving a strange look that wasn’t unkind, “Don’t insult me.”  
    Heero just blinked at her in confusion.  
    “You know how much I hate Shahir Winner’s business practices and the way he treats his children, especially Quatre. So don’t you dare think that I have the same opinions as he does. You know I’m not a hypocrite.”  
    Name hugged her son and kissed the top of his head, Heero in complete shock by all of this.  
    “I loved your father,” she murmured, “That man was my whole world. I loved him more than anything, even your grandparents. He was funny, confident, and kind. When I look at you, I know you’ll be just like him. With my stubbornness, of course.”  
    Heero snorted at that, even as he felt tears collecting in his eyes.  
    “We were nothing alike,” she continued, “But it worked between us, we filled in each other’s weaknesses and made each other stronger. Opposites do attract, you know.”  
    ‘Just like me and Duo,’ Heero thought.  
    “When we first married, I was stressed all the time. Even though we loved each other, marriage is always a trial. I was a very independent person, constantly afraid that being tied to a man was going to change me. I worried that being ‘the woman’ was going to make me less successful as a businesswoman. I needed to be responsible, stubborn, and commanding. When I was with your father, I wasn’t that person, I couldn’t be that person. He softened me and that made me worry. But I loved being his wife. The members of the board and our partners feared the same things that I did, that I would fade into the background. They thought that Alexei would have control over me and take over the company. But Alexei wasn’t like them and they just couldn’t understand it. They, like Mizu, thought that any man who could have power, would instinctively try anything to grab it. But your father wasn’t like that. He was content to let me be the leader that I was. He liked his job and didn’t care that I would always be more successful than him. In those days, I had to work extra hard to get my employees to follow me, to prove myself. I almost worked myself to death, trying to keep both our new marriage and the business together. But when I got home and he was there waiting for me, all that stress went away. Sometimes, I felt like it was just him and me in the world and all those problems couldn’t possibly break through our door. Then… one day… he was gone from our world,” her normally steady voice cracked.  
    At this point, hearing about his mother’s never changing love for his father, and remembering how horrible watching her fall apart when he had died, Heero’s face was pressed against her shoulder and his tears were soaking her shirt. He could feel her familiar fingers running through his wild hair. She let go of him, cupping his cheek in her hand and the two of them stared at each other, both of their cheeks stained with tears.  
    “There are people in the world who believe that there are always second chances. There will always be someone for you, if you just keep your heart open. I don’t believe that,” she whispered, closing her eyes, which made more tears fall, then quickly opened them again, “I loved your father so much that when he died, it left a scar on my heart. Sometimes… you meet someone who changes your world, who leaves an imprint on you that is so deep, even when they leave you, your world is never the same. When you fall in love with such a person, there is no one else. They can die or move on, and maybe you fall for another person, but never like that. You remember that other love and any other love is pale and weak in comparison. It hurts, but you can’t ever be rid of the pain. Your father and I were like that. I have never loved another, except for you, nearly as much as I loved him. I won’t ever remarry, I know that. My heart is too scarred, and far too small for that. No more love can fit inside of it,” she pressed her forehead against her son’s, “Heero… if you can find someone who makes you feel that way, never give them up. If you can love that person and they can love you back, I don’t care about anything else, just your happiness.”  
    The both of them moved away, wiping furiously at their eyes. Name, unable to look at Heero with her eyes so red, gestured towards the stairs.  
    “Go and talk to Duo,” she ordered, “You know how he gets. This will be hard for him.”  
    Heero nodded. He doubted that Duo would take this separation, no matter how short, easily.  
  
*****  
  
    Why was this happening? Duo didn’t bother to shut the door to bedroom as he walked in, knowing very well that Name or Heero, or probably both of them, would just follow him up here. He sat down heavily on his bed. Why was this happening… it was a pretty good question. Things had changed so much since Heero had moved to this town, most of them for the better. Now, he was going back to England. How the hell was he supposed to feel about that? He wasn’t an idiot, he knew that Heero had to go and it didn’t really matter if Heero wanted to or not. Heero was the next in line to be the CEO, even if he was under-aged, it made sense that his grandfather would want to talk to him, too.  
    And why shouldn’t Heero want to go? He had moved here from London, so he was used to the city, and he had family there. He wondered what Heero’s grandfather was like, if he was as stubborn as Heero was, or as kind as he was. Hell, he wondered what it was like to have grandparents. London… Duo sighed. To someone like him, who had only left his town once, it sounded so exotic. To travel across the seas and meet different people, to see different buildings, a whole other culture… and Heero had probably traveled all over. It was a far off dream, but he wanted to travel some day.  
    If he thought about it too hard, it sounded like a really stupid plan. He couldn’t stand crowds, couldn’t speak any language except for English, and hadn’t even been on a plane before. Who knew how his panic disorder would react to going to a new place? Boston had been hard enough, but a different country? Heero was lucky, all Duo had ever known was this Maine town. If he had Heero’s money and his confidence, he probably be one of those guys that lived in some country outback, but traveled to a new place every vacation he got. But he was neither confident nor wealthy. Still, a part of him was jealous that Heero was going back to London, but the rest just… ached.   
    It had hurt so much, that time when Heero had seen him with Zechs and he had fled school. It hadn’t just been the harsh words the Japanese boy had flung at him so heartlessly, or even Wes chaining him up, though those things had been pretty painful. The separation from Heero had haunted him back then. That divide was what had led him to flee the apartment and watch his best friend on that balcony, which had of course led to the whole chaining up thing. Since then, he and Heero had never really been apart for more than a few hours. Even when Chris had kidnapped him, Heero had been right there with him for the whole experience. That they were now going to be forced to spend days apart was… terrifying.  
    It reminded him too much of how lonely he had been, watching Heero from that broken down apartment building, wanting so badly to touch him again, but too scared and ashamed of himself to so much as fantasize about it. Heero would be far away, somewhere where he couldn’t even touch him. Somewhere where he wouldn’t be around to help him if he needed him. He scoffed at himself. He was sixteen years old, not five! He didn’t need Heero holding his hand, did he? He sighed again. Yes, yes he did. As long as Heero was around, things just seemed to fall into place.  
    If he had a nightmare, Heero would chase it away. If Wes showed up, he would protect him. His fear diminished when his best friend was just in the same building with him. He didn’t know if he could cope with his paranoia and anxiety without him, how could he? Heero hadn’t been away from him long enough to test it. Now, he had little choice on the matter. It was either sink or swim and ever since Zechs had tried to drown him, he had been scared of water. Hell, the only time he had been able to get into the water since that moment without acting like a wuss was… with Heero. And then there was the thing that he was trying not to think about. The thing that had made him run up here to begin with, that silly, irrational fear…  
    When he had first met Heero, he had been able to tell how much the blue eyed Asian hated America. He didn’t blame him. Name had forced Heero to move to another continent and start high school over again. Anyone would be pissy about that, and America was vastly different from both Britain and Japan. What if, when Heero went to London, he remembered why he hated America so much and wanted to move back there? Duo hung his head. He shouldn’t think those things. He was being ridiculous. Heero had a house here, this was their home, so why did he suddenly feel so unsure, just because Heero was going back to London? Toby suddenly appeared next to Duo, as though he had teleported there, studying his owner. Duo lifted his head.  
    “I’m being stupid again, aren’t I?” he asked the large cat.  
    Toby’s angular head and almond shaped eyes made him look old and wise in the way that owls did, like one of the statues of cats that the Egyptians used to worship. The overly large Javanese tilted his head, then yawned widely. He tried vainly to crawly into Duo’s lap, though his legs dangled off of Duo’s jean covered ones, his sudden laziness almost made Duo laugh. He lightly touched Toby’s hind leg, the one with the scar on it. It hadn’t come from an animal bite or a scuffle with another tom. The scar was thin and angled in such a way that it was obvious that some sociopath asshole had tied a piece of wire around the leg and had hung Toby from it. How the cat had escaped, Duo had no idea, but the scar angered him.  
    Duo scratched Toby’s ear and smiled as the cat purred. The tan and cream colored Javanese was easily larger than other cats of his breed, which was probably how he had survived for so long. He was the size of the Savannah cats Duo had seen on TV, his body long and fast like theirs, too. Toby was still thin, but his health didn’t seem to suffer from it, though he was starting to get used to the cat food Duo put out for him. He hunted, like he always did, but seemed to be catching less. Duo didn’t know if it was because Toby was finally adjusting to his new life or if he was getting old. He really hoped it was the former. He knew Toby was older than his other cats and he would only live for so long, but he really didn’t want to think about the possibility of the cat dying any time soon.   
    Toby reminded Duo of himself. Scarred and thin, having lived a life of abuse and survival, not to mention completely out of place in this large house, but he was adjusting. He even looked more normal without his collar on. It had been a fight to get it around Toby’s neck the first couple of times, but Duo had been terrified of Toby being caught by Animal Control and euthanized because of his feral temperament.   
    “You and I have been through a lot together, haven’t we?” Duo murmured.  
    Toby looked up at him, his ears twitching a little, his large, bushy tail thumping against Duo’s leg like a dog’s would. He really hoped that he _was_ like Toby. Even when Duo had started to live here, and when Toby went out to hunt, they somehow always managed to find each other again. When he had left Wes’ apartment, Toby and Shiva had been the ones to find him again in the park. Even when Duo had fled after Noventa’s visit, Toby had followed him. Would it be like that with Heero? Would they always come back to each other? After all this time, it kind of felt like it.   
    “So have we,” Heero remarked as he walked into the bedroom, sitting next to Duo on the bed.  
    He reached over and stroked Toby’s other large, pointed ear, smiling when the tom cat didn’t try to bite him like he had the very first time he had tried to do it.   
    “Heero…” Duo murmured, not knowing quite what to say.  
    Heero sighed.  
    “I know this sucks, especially the timing. I don’t want to leave, but…” he tried to explain.  
    “But you have to,” Duo finished, “Your grandfather needs to talk to you, I get that. I shouldn’t feel so off balance…”  
    “It’s like I said, it’s the timing,” Heero repeated, “If Wes hadn’t shown up when he did, this wouldn’t be so… scary. I just don’t like the idea of leaving you here, wondering every second if you’re ok.”  
    Duo shook his head.  
    “You’re wrong. The timing has nothing to do with it. I’d feel this way even if Wes was long gone. I just…” he stammered, “I feel like I’m losing you!”  
    Heero grabbed Duo’s hand, squeezing it hard, which made Duo look up at him.  
    “That isn’t true!” Heero protested, “We’re coming back. It’s just a couple of days, then we can have our summer vacation together!”   
    “But you’re going back there… back home,” Duo’s voice was strained.  
    “No, I’m not,” Heero said with a smile that made Duo’s heart melt, “I already am home. Here, with you.”  
    “Exactly,” Name called from the doorway, making Heero scoot over a few inches nervously, then berate himself for being so anxious.  
    Name sat on Duo’s other side and pulled him into a brief hug.  
    “A house isn’t necessarily a home, sweetheart. You know that,” she said.  
    Duo saw Wes’ apartment briefly in his mind and nodded. Yes, he knew that was true. He had lived in that place for eight years, but it had never been a home to him.  
    “A home is somewhere that, at the end of the day, you remember you are going back to it and it makes you happy. It’s the people we love and warm, happy memories. London is just a city now. I don’t think it ever was home,” Name mused.  
    Heero gave a little nod in agreement. Home was in Tokyo, in the house by the sea where he, his mom, and his dad had lived, and home was here in America, with Duo, Quatre, Trowa, and even Wufei.   
    “No matter what happens in London, even if I come back here without a job, we will come back to you, Duo,” Name promised.   
    Duo managed to smile at her, knowing his fears were illogical, but took her at her word.   
    “Would you like to come to England with us?” Heero suggested, “You don’t have to go to school for the rest of the week anyway. And in London, there’s no way Wes can bother you. It would be like a mini-vacation.”  
    “Heero,” Name scolded, “That isn’t a fair thing to ask of Duo.”  
    Heero looked at his mother around Duo’s back in confusion.  
    “Why not?” he asked.  
    Duo looked incredibly uncomfortable sitting between Heero and Name. They were both right, for once. He wanted to go, but he knew, just as Name did, that he wouldn’t. He would love to go to London, to know, for the first time in the longest time, that he was truly safe from Wes. A vacation sounded really, really nice, but the thought of going there both excited him and terrified him.  
    “I want to,” he muttered, “I really do… but…”  
    “You aren’t ready,” Name said softly, touching Duo’s shoulder, “You’ve come such a long way, but I can’t ask you to travel so far, being surrounded by strangers, only to bring you to with us to meet Heero’s grandfather. It’s too overwhelming for anyone. You would be bored out of your mind and things might get… messy. You’ve already had to deal with Heero’s uncle, and I know how hard that was for you. It would be unfair of us to ask you to come.”  
    Heero felt ashamed of himself for even bringing the subject up. He had thought it would be fun, showing Duo all the places in London that he had loved when he had lived there, but he had forgotten the real reason why he had to go. His mother was right, meeting with his grandfather and Mizu and maybe even the board would give Duo way too much stress. He needed to relax, to let go of his recent paranoia, not add to it. And if Duo wasn’t even going to be allowed to go with them to the office building, he would be bored and scared, being in a strange place.   
    “I’m sorry,” Duo said to Heero, “I do want to go… it’s just… I don’t think it would be appropriate. This is a family thing, and as much as I love that you two consider me family, I don’t belong there. I want to stay here until this thing about my grades is resolved. And… leaving the country is kind of scary.”  
    “I understand,” Heero soothed, “Now isn’t the right time. When we go somewhere, I want it to be something happy and relaxing, not stressful. It isn’t like this is our only chance to have a vacation. Sometime in the future, I’d love to walk the streets of London with you.”  
    Duo beamed at him, happy at the idea of walking around some strange city with Heero by his side. Before Chris had kidnapped them, he had been so happy in Boston, just walking around the streets with his friends… especially Heero.   
    “I think Duo would like Australia more than London,” Name mentioned, smiling at the two teenagers.  
    “Australia?” Duo questioned.  
    Even Heero looked confused at that. Back when his father had been alive, he had gone to Australia during the summer, but barely the trip beyond lots of mosquitoes and even more walking.  
    “I think Duo would love the Sydney Opera House,” Name told them, “And there’s Uluru Rock. He would especially enjoy the Great Barrier Reef, though we’d have to get him some scuba lessons first.”  
    Duo perked up, a gleam in his eyes that Name and Heero rarely saw, but always cherished, just at the thought of going scuba diving. All those colorful fish…  
    “Doesn’t Australia have crocodiles?” he asked excitedly, “Oh, and kangaroos and things!”  
    Heero chuckled, barely remembering kangaroos, but did remember being very excited when he had seen one as a kid. Yeah, Duo would love Australia.   
    “Or how about Madagascar?” he teased, “We can see lemurs and the jumping sharks.”  
    Duo’s eyes grew impossibly wide.  
    “Sharks can jump?!” he gasped, almost making both Heero and Name laugh at his innocence and excitement.  
    “Off the coast of Madagascar there are great white sharks,” Name explained to the American, “You can rent a boat and go out to see them. Sometimes, when they spot a seal, they kill it by going directly under the seal and swimming very fast at them. The strike is so powerful that the sharks dive out of the water. It’s an amazing sight. Heero’s father and I went to see them a few years before Heero was born.”  
    Duo looked very much like a small child as he listened to Name, completely enraptured. She patted his arm.  
    “There, that’s we like to see, a smile. Before you know it, Heero and I will be back and we’ll take you to the aquarium to start the summer off,” Name suggested.  
    “We have an aquarium?” Duo asked, trying to remember if he had ever heard about it or not.  
    “It’s in Bangor,” Heero told him, “And it’s huge. I think they have seals there.”  
    Duo felt what was left of his anxiety dissipate as his best friend talked about the aquatic life in the aquarium. He really had no idea what he would do with himself if Heero wasn’t around. He just got so depressed sometimes, even over things that weren’t really a big deal, but Heero and Name always knew what to say to get him out of it.  
    “I think we should talk about what’s going to happen while we’re gone,” Name said, suddenly serious and taking command, “We should only be gone for three days, but considering the circumstances, there’s some things we need to talk about.”  
    Duo nodded, all serious. Name stood up and the two boys followed, Toby leaping out of Duo’s lap.  
    “Let’s get Quatre and Trowa, they need to here this, too,” the brunette woman strode out of the room with the two teenagers in tow.  
    Name knocked on the door, but didn’t even wait for an answer before walking in. Both Trowa and Quatre seemed to have been waiting for them, Trowa sitting in a chair by the desk in the room and Quatre on the bed, the both of them looking expectantly at the doorway.  
    “Took you long enough,” Trowa smirked.  
    Name raised an eyebrow at him and crossed her arms over her chest.  
    “I take it you heard the yelling,” she said dryly.  
    “Kind of hard to miss it,” Trowa remarked, “Even up here. Hard enough to keep this one,” he jerked his thumb at his boyfriend, “from eavesdropping.”  
    Quatre blushed darkly at the accusation.  
    “Well, if you had let me, we would know what was going on!” he shot back.  
    “The whole point of eavesdropping is not to get caught,” Trowa pointed out, “Which you would have been,” he turned his green eyes back to Name, “So what happened?”  
    “Mom and I have to go to England to meet with Granddad,” Heero told his friends.  
    Quatre stood up off the bed, his back ramrod straight.  
    “Your grandfather?” he questioned, looking at Duo with worry, “But… that’s so far away…”  
    “I know it’s a hassle,” Name apologized, “But my Father won’t take no for an answer. We’ll be back as soon as we can. We’re leaving tomorrow morning and I’ll call when we catch a flight back. You two and Duo are staying here, unless you want to come with us?”  
    Quatre shook his head. He had met Heero’s grandfather a few times and got along with him really well as a child, but he knew that Duo would feel better if he stayed here, plus he didn’t know what he would do with himself in London without Trowa.   
    “I take it we’re going to be in charge of the kitten while you two are gone,” Trowa said, looking over at Duo.  
    “Hey!” Duo protested, then mulled over Trowa’s words, “Wait a minute… are you talking about Shei or me?”  
    Trowa smirked at the shorter brunette.  
    “Who do you think?” he teased, giving him a significant look.   
    Duo glared at him.  
    “Don’t call me kitten!” he whined like a little kid.   
    “Well now that you’ve told him not to, he’s going to do it all the time,” Heero grinned.  
    Duo turned his glare to Heero, then back at Trowa, then looked at the floor in irritation.  
    “Dammit,” he grumbled.   
    Quatre started to laugh, then controlled himself when Name cleared her throat.  
    “Ground rules,” she stated, “All of your phones are to be on at all times. No pizza delivery, though you can pick it up from a restaurant. No one goes anywhere alone, that includes Quatre and Trowa. Wes has shown that he has no problem with hurting any of you to get to Duo, so I want you to act like he wants to kidnap all of you. You are to walk to and from school together, on the public street. No back roads. When you are at home, the security system is to be on lock mode at all times, even during the day. At night, no one answers the door for any reason. I will leave you money for food. You can stay at home instead of going to school, if you like. No wild parties, no alcohol, even you, Trowa, and keep your eyes open all the time. Wufei can come over, though. Is all that understood?”  
    Trowa and Duo shared a grin, then straightened their backs, looked at Name, and saluted her like two soldiers to a commanding officer.  
    “Yes, Ma’am!” they said in creepy unison.   
    Name rolled her eyes at them and left the room as the four boys dissolved into heavy laughter, hiding her content smile from them.   
  
  
  
  
End Part 3  
  
  
Ok, someone has to guess what is going to happen in the next part *cue forshadowy-type music* I kind of like the idea of a look back. Heero’s going back to the place where this long tale started, mimicking the beginning, but everything’s different. Heero’s a changed guy and I wanted to illustrate that. Also, forty pages in three days is not a good thing (well, I guess it is for you guys) and I’m quite sure I’m destined for arthritis in my future.      
      
  
  
  
  
  
(1) And now I will try to explain (probably in vain) what is going on with the suffixes and why Name and Mizu are so pissy with each other. First, onii-chan. Onii is how you would address your big brother, but -chan is a suffix that is very casual and almost cutesy. Mizu is Name’s big brother and he feels that he should be superior to her because of it, so she should address him as Onii-san or Onii-sama. -San is the most common, neutral address and -sama is very formal and respectful. The reality of the family situation, however, is that Name is the heir and the head of the family business, so though he is older, Mizu is still expected to treat her with respect. By simply calling her ‘Name’ and not Name-sama or Name-san, he is showing great familiarity with her, which they don’t have, and thus pretty much spitting in her face. Name calling her father To-chan to Mizu’s face has the same effect. To-chan is a casual way to address one’s father. You would only call your own father this, never someone else’s father. Name is allowed to call her dad this, because it is a show of affection and familiarity. Mizu was scolded because they aren’t blood related and to call him that is disrespectful. Mizu obviously feel inferior because of this and is a bit jealous of Name’s closeness with her father.   
  
  
Also, on the issue of Name being a single mother, I’ve gotten a few comments about people demanding she get a love interest. I’m going to say this to all of you collectively: No. No, no, no. It’s not going to happen, and I’m not saying that to mislead you. It’s not in my notes and I have no intention of doing it for two reasons: one, it would be way out of character for her. Name is strong and independent and, most of all, still grieving. I truly believe, like she does, that sometimes you just fall in love once. Name doesn’t strike me as the kind of woman that needs a man in her life, unless she’s terribly in love with him. Two, there seems to be some kind of stupid stigma against single mothers. I see a ton of writers go out of their way to give secondary, single mother characters some dumb love interest that has nothing to do with the story, just for some romance. Just once, I would love to see a mother like Name who can make it on her own and prove that she’s capable of being a good mother. Like she said in chapter 3, Heero needs a positive male role model, but she will never remarry because neither one of them can bear it.


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero and Name go to London to meet with his grandfather. Will Name be able to make her father understand why she took Duo in and be able to keep her job?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 4  
  
  
    Someone was shaking him. Why was someone shaking him? It was too cold and, for some reason, he knew it was too damn early for anyone to be touching him at all.  
    “Come on, Heero, you have to get up.”  
    The person shoved at him. At this point, he would have punched that person, but the voice nagged at him. An American accent. Who did he know that had an American accent and soft tenor? The person sighed heavily and Heero peered up at them through sleepy, half-lidded eyes.  
    “I mean it, Heero, don’t make me get a glass of water to dump on your head or something.”  
    Heero closed his eyes again. Duo. As annoyed as he was to be woken up, he couldn’t hit him. Since he couldn’t hit him, Heero decided to drift back to sleep instead. Duo shouldn’t be trying to wake him up. He should slip into bed with him and curl up against him. He bet that Duo would be warm and soft against him and the feel of that form would make sleeping even more pleasant. Maybe he would even let him throw his arms around that inviting waist or smell that silken hair…   
    Heero’s eyes shot open and he sat up quickly. Ok, _now_ he was awake. Duo looked at him in a mix of bewilderment and amusement as his Japanese friend blushed deeply, assuming it was out of embarrassment for being so hard to wake up. Heero covertly grabbed at the covers hiding the erection that was tenting his pajama pants. He wasn’t sure if it was from the morning arousal he occasionally got or from his stray, betraying thoughts, but he thought of Duo seeing it and was horrified at himself. He glanced at the clock and saw that it really was insanely early. 3 o’clock. That couldn’t possibly be the time. Even on a school day that would be ridiculous!   
    “Give me one good reason why you‘re waking me up before the crack of dawn?” Heero demanded grumpily.  
    It was something that he had never wanted Duo to figure out, but Heero was not a morning person, not even remotely. Even when he had been a kid, his mother had had to literally pull him out of bed in the mornings to go to school. And when he did get out bed, he was miserable until around nine o’clock. It had never been a problem before because usually his mom or Trowa woke him up, but Duo didn’t really seem to be annoyed by it, merely lifting one cinnamon colored eyebrow at him, looking as though he might start laughing at any minute.  
    “Your flight leaves at six. You know, your flight to London?” Duo reminded him cheekily, a small smirk on his lips.  
    Heero fell backwards onto the bed, throwing an arm over his eyes.   
    “I said a _good_ reason,” he grumbled.  
    Having to go to London to confront his bastard of an uncle and his grandfather, who, the last time he had seen him, had been less than happy at his flippant attitude towards his grades and life in general, with his mother’s pride at stake, and being forced to be away from Duo for days, was absolutely not a good reason to be woken up at three in the morning. In fact, it was kind of like unleashing flesh-eating ants into an infected, deep wound. And then dousing it with lemon juice and salt. And, just for good measure, rubbing the whole thing with poison ivy. There was just not a single thing that Heero was looking forward to here. He really should just go back to sleep… To his irritation, Duo spun around and started to walk out of his bedroom.  
    “Your mom has everything packed and breakfast is ready. She says, by the way, that I am totally allowed to do something truly nasty to you if you don’t get up. Dumping ice water on you was the nicest of the things I came up with,” Duo said in parting, his voice somewhere between warning and humor.  
    Heero groaned loudly. He was rewarded by the sweet sound of his best friend’s laughter. He rolled onto his side and snuck a peek of Duo as he was leaving, noting his long braid brushing against his backside, still clothed in pajama pants that had little cartoon penguins on them. The bizarre, partially childish and adorable, partially sexy image burned into his brain. Sometimes he wasn’t really sure if his life sucked or rocked. London… he sighed and kicked the sheets off of him. He really, really didn’t want to go. He would rather have to deal with Relena then go back to London, just because, at least if Relena showed up, Duo would still be with him.   
    More than meeting his grandfather again, or even something happening to Duo while they were gone, Heero was worried about Mizu getting his way. Not because he was a jackass and it would suck if he won, which it would, but because of what would happen, how his own life would change. His mother would survive not being Yuy Corporations CEO anymore, he was sure. His mother was the strongest woman he had ever known, and only a part of that was biased. She had gotten through his father’s death and had somehow managed to raise him on her own, he knew that she would bounce back from this with even more grace. But what about him?   
    They hadn’t talked much about it yesterday, but it had remained in the back of his Heero’s mind all night. He hadn’t slept well at all. Even if Mizu got his mother demoted, his grandfather would never let the man take over the company. Technically, the next person in line was himself. His birthday was coming up soon, his eighteenth, and if this trip went wrong, he would be suddenly handed a billion dollar company with absolutely no idea how to lead it. He wasn’t ready for that. The very idea terrified him. His entire life, he had thought that he had already accepted that he would have to take ownership of the company, but now that it seemed a possibility, he wanted nothing to do with it. It wasn’t that he wasn’t prepared, he had absolutely no desire to own it. He had no ambition towards it. For the first time in his life, Heero wanted his future to mean something else.  
    All that power and control… in the past he had looked forward to it arrogantly, or he had thought that he had. Now, all he wanted was to hang out with Duo and play video games, to take walks on the beach with him, to feel him fall asleep against him and smell his long hair… Why would he want to live in the coldness of reality when he could play in Neverland with a sweet, kind, and beautiful Peter Pan? Well, Duo was more like Jane than Peter Pan, Wendy’s daughter who had been forced to grow up too fast and had had such a hard time believing and adjusting to Neverland. Though, he was pretty sure that Duo would hit him for equating him to a girl.   
    He understood, now, better than he ever had, Duo’s burning desire for normalcy. It wasn’t the big things that Heero looked to desperately, this big, white house or his mother’s wealth. It was the little things that everyone had, walking down the street with Duo to buy groceries, bickering with Trowa about who got the last slice of pizza, helping Quatre try to give the cats a bath… Heero glanced over at Angel, who was curled up next to him on the bed. After a little while, she had warmed up to Heero, getting used to sleeping in his room and had made several goes for his soft and warm bed. Heero had stopped picking her out of it every night and she had started to be something familiar and comforting, like a teddy bear. Cotton kept to the cat bed in the corner of the room, not quite as sociable as his sister.   
    The all white cat peered at him with half-lidded, deep blue eyes. She seemed annoyed, her stare asking ‘why are we awake?’ Then those almond-shaped eyes slid shut again. It must be nice to be a cat and be able to sleep when you wanted to. He scratched the top of her head and she purred, making him smile. When had he stopped thinking of Angel and Cotton as Duo’s cats and had started to think of them as his, or at least _theirs_? He wanted this. To him, having a cat sleeping next to you as your best friend had roused him from a sound sleep to have breakfast seemed so novel, so normal, something that he could never have if he took the company from his mother.   
    What would happen to Duo if he did? What would happen this peaceful little niche Heero had found? Misery wrapped around his heart. Duo didn’t belong in such a world and Heero didn’t think he had the strength to balance the two worlds as his mother had. He was sure that he would drown and there was no way he was going to drag his love down with him. He would do anything for Duo, anything for this peace, as strained and painful as it was sometimes, and in that moment, if someone had come into Heero’s room and told him that he _could_ give Yuy Corporations up, he would have jumped through hoops to do it. But it wasn’t that easy. It wasn’t just him he had to think about, there were families, employees, and his mother’s opinion of him, of course. All he could do was hope for the best, that they would find someone else to take over.  
    The sad thing was, even if his mother kept her job, eventually Heero would have to face this. As he rolled out of bed, he felt like he was going to face the executioner’s block. No matter what happened, it wouldn’t bring him any relief. At least Duo would be cared for, even if things got bad. That was the only ray of light in this and he clung to it. Heero took his shower quickly and got dressed, not really caring about what clothes he picked out or how annoying going through the airport was going to be. He could only focus on how miserable he felt. In the kitchen, everyone, including Trowa and Quatre, had started their breakfasts. A plate of sausage, white rice, and a mushroom, onion, and cheddar omelet, one of his favorites.   
    His mother smiled at him and passed him a steaming cup of black coffee as he sat next to Duo, who hated sausage and mushrooms, and was eating scrambled eggs with honey and apple crepes and a glass of milk. No coffee for Duo, even if he wanted to drink it. With his medication, he wasn’t allowed to have caffeine. For once, Duo was eating happily, instead of just poking at his food. His stomach must be feeling well today. It made Heero feel better, just knowing that Duo was feeling better. He doubted that Duo had accepted that they were going away, but he wasn’t tying himself in knots over it anymore. That, or he was so hungry from his stomach problems yesterday that his anxiety couldn’t put a damper on his appetite.  
    They ate in silence, all of them in a somber mood and feeling helpless. As Heero blushed his teeth and combed his hair (in vain), Duo followed him around like a lost, little puppy. It wasn’t annoying, but it did worry him. On the outside, Duo looked fine, but Heero knew very well that the violet eyed boy rarely showed what he was really feeling. Just because Duo had eaten all of his breakfast and wasn’t freaking out about this, it didn’t mean that their absence wasn’t bothering him. Going back to London for a couple days was hard enough for Heero and Name, he couldn’t imagine how hard it was going to be for Duo. At least he had Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei, but Duo had spent his entire life all alone, and now that he had a family, he couldn’t be happy that they were leaving him, even if it was just for a little while.  
    Duo’s sudden clinginess was disconcerting, but Heero also found it comforting after all they had been through lately, and his recent fears about the trip. They brushed their teeth together, though Duo didn’t actually have to get ready for school for another two hours, at least. When Duo finished rinsing his mouth with a cup of water, Heero smiled over at him and took his hand in his. Duo’s indigo eyes widened a little bit, then a soft look replaced it, the kind of look that made Heero’s heart flutter, and those pale fingers wrapped around his.  
    “I’m coming back,” Heero promised, squeezing Duo’s fingers.  
    Duo finally managed to smile at him and it relieved Heero.  
    “I know,” the longhaired boy said, and somehow seemed more relaxed just by hearing Heero say it.  
    Heero’s heart constricted. Duo believed him so… so unquestioningly. After everything he had done in his life… all the mistakes he had made, what a complete jackass he had become after his father’s death… how had a dick like him gained the unwavering trust of someone who had spent his life surrounded by people who had done nothing but hurt, betray, and dehumanize him? It was a gift that made him feel so happy, and so twisted up, like being given a beautiful glass ball. It was something special, but if he did something wrong, easily broken. He had thought that everything that had happened in Boston had destroyed that, but Duo had never seen it that way.   
    No one had ever looked at him like that, had spoken to him with such conviction. They looked at him like he was special because he was his mother’s son, but that was just a title. That wasn’t him. In reality, no one saw him as special, something worthy of their attention, because of who he was, what he was like. Duo was the first person to do that, without caring even one little bit about who his family was. To Duo, Heero was special, not because he was Heero Yuy. If he lost that name, Duo would still look at him that way, would still trust him. So, how could Duo ever think that Heero would never come back to this, to him?  
    They went down the stairs together. Quatre, Trowa, and Name were waiting for them by the front door, Heero’s suitcase standing next to hers. Heero got his jacket from the closet and shrugged it on. Name smiled at Duo, looking slightly pained. She hugged him tightly, Duo automatically hugging her back.  
    “Do what Trowa says, ok? While I’m gone, he’s the adult. Please eat, even when you’re stomach’s hurting. The last thing you need is to be thinner. Don’t worry about your grades, everything will work itself out. Call me if anything happens, even if it’s mundane, alright?” she urged, sounding worried and like leaving was the last thing she wanted to do.  
    “I will, Mom,” Duo assured her.  
    He felt frozen as he suddenly realized what he had just said. Had he really just let that slip out? He really did consider Name to be his mother, but… but this was the first time he had actually said something like that out loud. Name let go of him and Duo was dreading to see the expression on her face.   
“I’m sorry,” he sputtered.  
     Did she think he was being ridiculous or childish? To his relief, her eyes were warm and wet, as though she were about to cry. She hugged him tightly again.  
    “Oh, sweetheart,” she said breathlessly, “Don’t be. You call me that any time you like.”  
    Heero felt his heart swell as the two of them let go, looking at each other as though something inside of them might burst with happiness. He was sure that he and his two friends had the same expression. Maybe it felt like Duo had always belonged here, but it was something that no one talked about and sometimes, maybe they should talk about it. It gave the subject power, calling Duo a part of their family. Even if he didn’t have their last name, he was. It was just like his mother had told Mizu, Duo was more a Yuy than he would ever be. Heero ignored the snide little voice down inside that pondered if that made his love for Duo incest.   
    After the tearful scene, they all shared a round of hugs. It felt like they hadn’t all been apart for years, instead of months. When Heero wrapped his arms around Duo, for a moment he was shocked by how small and vulnerable he felt and Heero felt a lump form in his throat, like a warning. Something inside of him screamed not to leave him alone, no matter what. Then, Duo’s arms came around him, hugging him back just as tightly, and that slim form felt strong to him. He pushed the screaming voice away. Duo wasn’t like Relena. He wasn’t some pampered, little girl who was so pathetic, she needed a man to take care of her. Duo had been taking care of himself since he was barely old enough to walk. Heero would never make the mistake of sheltering Duo because he thought he was weak, only because he loved him.   
    “Good luck,” Quatre said with a bright smile.\  
    Then, Heero and Name left their cozy home and the three, sleepy-eyed teens, got into the taxi parked outside, and left. Duo followed Trowa and Quatre into the living where they sat on the couch and watched early morning cartoons. The two lovers talked about the cartoons they used to watch as kids. Trowa joked that they should order pizza tomorrow morning, as early as the restaurants opened, just because it was something that Name never would have allowed them to do. He teased that they should throw a big party, something that they all knew they wouldn’t do, and Quatre hit him with a pillow. The two of them laughed as Duo looked at the television screen, but didn’t really see the show. Their laughter was loud, but the house seemed quieter than it ever had to him.   
    Duo felt like screaming.  
  
*****  
  
    The airport was a mess. It wasn’t even that crowded, yet somehow it still took them longer than it ever should to get their luggage checked and through the body scanners. When the woman at the baggage check had asked for their ids and she had realized who they were, it had made it all that much worse as she tripped over herself trying to give them the star treatment. This was exactly why they used the company jet whenever they traveled anywhere. That was how they had moved to America in the first place, but it took too long and cost too much to use the jet and Name wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. Flying first class on a public plane wouldn’t kill them once in awhile, it was just a hassle to be noticed and recognized.   
    Heero was silent the entire time, even when they stopped at one of the fast food places in the airport for some coffee and bagels, and when they sat down to wait for their plane to land. Name hadn’t expected anything out of him. She knew that she was dragging him through this against his will and felt bad about it, but Mizu and her father had forced her hand. She didn’t feel much like talking, either.   
      
  
   _“I will, Mom.”_  
  
    Name smiled at the memory. When Alexei had died, she had thought ‘this is it. Heero is my family now.’ Sure, she would always love her father and step-mother, but she rarely saw them, even back then. Just her and her child, the two of them against the world. She had seen that then, when the grief had died down from shrieking to a dull roar enough for her to think anything else but how much it hurt. Now, she had Duo, too. In a way, hearing him call her Mom, so very out of the blue, had blindsided her at the same time that she had known he had felt that way for a long time now. But to actually hear it from him… Duo kept his feelings so close to the chest sometimes, hiding them, denying them… for him to say such a thing out loud was a very big deal.  
    It was a large burden, hearing that from him, bigger than any business negotiation she had ever taken part of. To mother a boy who needed it so badly, but didn’t even know what having a mother really meant. He had been on his own in the cold world for too long to really understand how to let someone take care of him. He would always have some sort of stubborn, independent streak to him, but somewhere deep inside of him, that lost little boy would always want something to cling on to, would always yearn for someone to cradle him. No matter what evidence Mizu had against her, she would whatever it took to give Duo a second chance at a stable life.  
    The flight was longer than Name had remembered it being when they had first come here months ago. Heero fell asleep the second they were seated in first class. Name smirked as she watched him sleep, his head lolled to the side, snoring lightly. He was still such a child sometimes. Back in London, he had thought he was being so adult, sneaking smokes and booze, swearing at his teachers, beating up other kids… She wondered if he realized that the only maturity he had ever shown was because of Duo. She remembered when Trowa had told them about Wes showing up at Duo’s job, how Wes had pointed a gun at Heero and how Heero had just stood there, unwavering, willing to get shot if he could have one chance to save his best friend.  
    Name’s smirk turned to a soft smile and she brushed Heero’s long bangs away from his face. That wild, dark brown hair and deep blue eyes… he looked so much like his father. He might have her stubbornness, but he also had Alexei’s kind heart. A powerful combination, considering how close he had gotten to getting killed by that hateful man. And then there was Duo, so mature, yet so childish. He had this intense pain inside of him and was adept at surviving, but when it came to animals and new things, his first taste of fried banana, or the first time he had seen his new room, he had experienced all them with the wide-eyed innocence of a toddler. She looked at the window as the plane rose higher and higher into clear skies. She wondered which one of her sons was going to end up driving her insane sooner.  
    Their plane landed in London at 5:08 London time. Looking at his watch as they were all escorted off the air croft, Heero realized that it was 12:08 in Maine at that moment. Duo, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei would all be sitting in class right now, waiting to go to lunch at twelve thirty. He wondered if Duo was eating his lunch as well as he had eaten his dinner. It made him feel wistful and the sight as he looked out the airport’s windows made him feel even more miserable, wanting to be back in Maine. When they had left at six in the morning, the skies had been a clear blue, the sun bright and unfettered by clouds. London was how it always was, foggy, dank, and on the verge of rain. It was about ten degrees cooler than it had been in America, either.   
    Heero sighed heavily as they left the airport and found a limo waiting outside for them, the Yuy Corporations logo on it. He looked around at the looming buildings around him. It struck him at that moment. He was back in London, back from the place that they had fled from because of his own stupidity and arrogance. Back then, these buildings had been familiar to him. Now, they seemed strange and wrong. This was no longer his home. This was no longer where he belonged. The driver of the limo opened the door for his mother and bowed deeply to her.  
    “Ma’am,” he greeted with respect.  
    Heero realized that people on the street had noticed who the limo belonged to and were starting to take pictures. He fought hard not to glare at them.  
    “Did Mizu send you?” Name asked icily.  
    The driver shook his head.  
    “Master Yuy instructed me to meet you. He’s waiting for your presence. He says that wishes to start the meeting as soon as you arrived,” he assured her.  
    Name softened at that. The idea of Mizu sending a limo for her rankled for some reason, but she was happy to hear that her father was remaining professional about all this. The sooner they got this nasty business over with, the sooner they could go home. The two of them got into the limo and she frowned again as Heero remained quiet. He seemed to be giving a stern look to every building and landmark. Had he always hated this place so much, or was he just annoyed to be apart from Duo and it wouldn’t have mattered where they were? She shook her head to herself. No, while that might be true, she knew that Heero had always hated London.  
    She thought that moving them from Tokyo to here had been the biggest mistake she had ever made as a parent. Heero had been happy to stay in Tokyo, in the home that they had shared with his father, wanting to stay as close to his memory as he could. At the time, Name had thought that it was the right decision, but in reality, it had been the right decision for _her_. She had been unable to stay in that house. It held too many memories of her husband and it had hurt her, just looking at the wood and walls and windows of the place. Every inch of it had held some wonderful memory that had turned into knives in her heart. Knowing how moving to London had turned out for her son, would she have still made that decision? Would it have really made much of a difference?   
    Would she have been able to make that decision at all, or would she still have made the selfish choice? She wondered, idly as the limo brought them to the Yuy Corporate building, what would have happened if she had brought Heero to Maine right after his father’s death. The same town… would Heero have met Duo in that case, too? Duo would have been nine or ten at the time, so young, yet already two years in Wes’ employ. If they had met back then, and what had happened would have happened the same way and they had discovered Duo’s dark secret, would they have been able to save him from five years of abuse? Or…   
    She imagined meeting Duo at nine years old, small, young, and wide-eyed, the same guarded look and the same fear of people, only on a younger face. Her hands curled into fists as an incredible rage filled her, her stomach twisting and making her feel sick. If she had met Duo back then, she was sure it would have broken her heart even more than it already had. The thought that, in some alternate universe, she might have been able to save the child that Duo had been from all those years, from the room with no light and the bed with chains, was a fantasy that made her feel a terrible pain. It was not a happy dream, it made her feel like she had failed him when, in reality, she had had no control over it. Maybe, it was fate that it had all played out this way. It was more comforting thinking about it that way.   
    If she was going to immerse herself in a foolish fantasy, she might as well imagine that, during one of her many trips to America when Heero had been much younger, back when Alexei had still alive, she had found Duo, years before Wes’ shadow had ever so much as fallen on Duo and had taken him in, gave him a loving home while Duo was still slightly innocent and naive about the nastiness of life. She uncurled her fists, taking a calming breath. Hell, if she was really going to create the perfect fantasy, she might as well imagine that her husband had never gotten hit by that car and she could give Duo a proper father as well.  
    The driver opened the door for Name when they arrived, but Heero, who had grown out of such treatment in all the months he had been living in America with no pomp and circumstance, was too impatient to wait and got out of the limo himself. It wasn’t like he needed, or enjoyed, having an employee open a damn door for him. Suddenly, he heard Duo’s voice in his head, telling him about all the things he had had to do, just to eat. Killing rats, dumpster diving, stealing from other homeless people… and here this man was getting paid an over-inflated amount of money to drive people around and open doors for the wealthy. He didn’t blame the guy for it, he probably had a family to take care of like everyone else, but the whole system pissed Heero off.  
    Before he had met Duo, he had taken his wealth for granted. If someone _hadn’t_ opened a door for him in this situation, he would have been annoyed, because it was expected. But now, he saw how silly it was. He realized, with pain, that Mizu had been right. If Duo had come with them, people like this driver wouldn’t have known what to do with him and it would have just made Heero angrier and angrier until he would have done something very stupid. As it was, he now understood why his mother had always insisted that they never have servants or staff at their home.   
    He had always thought, ‘well, the Winner’s have maids and cooks, so why can’t we? Aren’t we wealthier than they are?’ Now, it was more like a relief. Maybe he couldn’t do the laundry or cook very well, but at least he could take care of himself if he had to. He tried to imagine Mizu trying to cook for himself, even something simple like macaroni and cheese out of the box, and snorted. The man would probably die having just eaten the stuff. People like that were like infants, needing people to take care of them all the time. At least Heero could survive on his own.   
    Mizu looked down on Duo for being on the streets, but there were a hundred things that Duo could do that Mizu couldn’t, and a hundred more that he could better. If someone dropped the both of them in a jungle with only a pen knife to survive, Duo would come out of it with a smile and Mizu would be dead within hours. There was no way the man would ever be able to survive in the real world. Understanding that, how could his uncle ever claim to having more power than his best friend? Duo was right. It was a messed up world that they lived in.  
    The London Branch of Yuy Corporations was a huge, looming building. In a way, it was quite pretty. It gave the illusion that it was made entirely of glass and that you could see everything that went on inside. Heero supposed this was supposed to send the message that Yuy Corporations had nothing to hide, but even he knew that the inner part of the building was still made of steel and concrete, like any other, and that it was impossible to see what went on in the offices and board meetings. As they went inside, another employee wearing the YC logo tried to escort them into the elevator, but Name waved him off, knowing exactly what floor they needed to be on.  
    At six o’clock at night, most of the workers had already gone home, but the more dedicated ones remained. Thankfully, the elevator they were on was a special one for members of the board, so no one else got on. It went all the way to the top floor, which made Heero roll his eyes. If he ever took over this company, he was putting his office and the board on the first floor. He didn’t care what kind of image it sent, it would drive him nuts having to go up twenty some floors just to go to work every day. He wondered if his mother’s job was always like this, or if other branches were different.   
    The top floor wasn’t the catacomb of offices that Heero had imagined. The walls were made of onyx granite with flecks of gold and silver, and there was just one hallway leading to one door that had his grandfather’s name and proper titled stenciled on it in gold. He swallowed hard, suddenly feeling anxious. The stenciling had been done perfectly, but looked old, as it should. His grandfather had been a powerful part of this company for… well, Heero wasn’t sure for how many decades, but it was impressive to say the least. He felt relieved when his mother didn’t seem to be intimidated at all, she didn’t even knock on the door, just going inside. And why should she? She was his daughter, and for the moment, CEO of the company.   
    Heero had expected that they would be meeting Mizu and his ojisan in the board meeting room, not his personal office, but it made him feel better, like this was going to be less of an inquisition, or execution. His grandfather was sitting behind his desk while Mizu was sitting in a chair by the door, looking irritated for some reason, but the second he and Name walked in, he sat up straight and an expression of cold professionalism came over him. Heero wondered what the two of them had been talking about before he and his mother had come in.   
    Hiroto Yuy, aptly named, despite his age, was an impressive figure. Though both of his parents had been Japanese, he was fairly tall. His short hair was completely white, the but with the intensity in his dark brown eyes, he carried the color with pride, as though any assumption that the whiteness might be connected with old age was offensive to him. He was neither scrawny nor fat, his chest and shoulders broad in the expensive suit he wore and what lines he had on his face didn’t make him look old, just more distinguished. With his cold, penetrating stare, he was as much the powerful businessman as he had ever been. And yet, when he saw Name, that stern expression melted away into tenderness.  
    “Na-na,” he said with a bright smile, using the nickname he had often called her as a child.  
    Name’s smile was identical to his as they embraced.   
    “It’s been far too long,” Hiroto scolded her as they parted, “Even though you’ve moved to America, I had thought you would have visited your father once in awhile.”  
    From where he was sitting, Mizu rolled his eyes. Hiroto’s eyes, reminding Heero of an eagle’s, noticed the movement and narrowed at him. Mizu, finally remembering his manners, stood up abruptly.  
    “I’m sorry, To-chan,” Name said, “Things have been so busy lately.”  
    “I’m sure they have, what with you training the street brat,” Mizu said with a dry smirk.  
    “Mizu,” Hiroto snapped.  
    Mizu stopped cold, unable to speak with his step-father looking at him with irritation. Those eagle-like eyes then fell on Heero, who had the same reaction as his uncle. Heero remembered the last time he had seen his grandfather, over a year ago. He had had a fight with his Chemistry teacher. He couldn’t recall what the fight had actually been about, if it had been about anything at all, which, in those days, wouldn’t be so strange, but he did remember punching the man in the face. Anyone else would have been expelled and arrested on assault charges, but not him.  
    The very next day, a fire had spread throughout the school. Thankfully, by the time it had reached some reactive chemicals in the science labs, everyone had been evacuated, so no one had been hurt. There had been something, something that he could barely remember now, about the accelerant used in the fire that had made it burn slowly, but had made it nearly impossible to put out. The chemical used had been something not sold anywhere near by, but they used in their science classes for experiments, so the popular belief had been that a student had done it. Naturally, because of his fight with the Chemistry teacher, all of his classmates and teachers had assumed he had done it. But, because he was a Yuy, the principal had found some other delinquent to blame (1) and the matter had been closed. A week later, they had all been shipped out to a nearby school.  
    Well, the matter hadn’t been closed for his family. His mother and grandfather had been equally furious. He wasn’t sure what had agitated them more, that he had punched out a teacher, or that Heero’s behavior had gotten so bad that anyone would actually think that he, a Yuy, had burned down the school. At least his mom and ojisan hadn’t believed that he had done something like that. Heero expected his grandfather to look at him with that same cold disappointment, but the man gave him the same smile he had given his mother and opened his arms wide.  
    “Well, are you just going to stand there gaping at me or are you going to give your grandfather a hug?” Hiroto teased.  
    Heero smiled in relief and hugged the man that he hadn’t seen in over a year. When he had been little, he and his grandfather had been very close. He would visit them at least once a week and would spend every minute of those visits with Heero. When his father had died, his ojisan had moved in with them to help his mother and him cope with the loss, even forsaking the business for them. Hell, Heero’s name had come from his grandfather. He wasn’t the cold, cut-throat businessman that the media loved to portray him as.  
    “Can we start the meeting?” Mizu said impatiently.  
    Hiroto let go of his grandson and gave his step-son a curt nod.  
    “Very well. As the head of the board, I must be partial to any evidence you bring forth about Name’s leadership, but know this, Mizu, if I find that you are lying or putting us through a farce, I _will_ be forced to penalize you,” Hiroto warned, “Now, have at it.”  
    Mizu gave Name a sly smirk and she glared back at him.  
    “I’m sure you’ve heard about it on the news,” he said snidely, “Name’s sharing her home with some no-name little punk. Not only is she dragging the Yuy name through the mud and embarrassing us with such a story, there is no logical reason for her to take the boy in. I’ve seen him. He’s nothing special and he certainly has no manners. I guess that’s what you get for appointing a woman in charge of this company! All her decisions have been those of a weak-minded, sentimental girl! If it were up to her, the company would be nothing but a collective group of babysitters for any piece of trash that looks pitiful enough! And then there’s her moving to America at all, another completely irrational decision! While America is one of the centers for business, she admits that the only reason why she did it is to her help her son, who, I might add, has shown nothing but disrespect for this family with his wild behavior! A leader should have nothing but their company’s best interests in mind, yet she spends all her time helping some destitute little kid and cleaning up after her son’s mistakes! Neither of them are fit to make decisions for this empire! Do you know how many meetings Name has missed, cancelled, or stepped out on in the last five months?!”  
    Name glared at him, her dark eyes like chunks of razor-sharp ice as her son gritted his teeth, using every ounce of will power not to strike his uncle. She had known that this was coming. Not a single thing that Mizu was bringing up was a shock, but it still made her angry. So what if she didn’t make rational decisions? There was a big difference between rational and negligent and nothing she had done to help Duo had truly affected the company. She bet that, if Mizu had listed dates for all those meetings, they would have coincided with some event, Duo’s hospitalizations, attacks, or what had happened in Boston, but Mizu didn’t care about that. The way he made it sound, she was having an emotional breakdown or didn’t care about the company. Her father put up a hand to stop Mizu’s rant, the man, word by word, losing his calm composure.  
    “I know about all of this,” Hiroto said.  
    Mizu stared at him in shock. Name realized that he had hoped to through them all off balance and in doing so, he had gravely underestimated their father.  
    “Do you think I am a fool, Mizu?” Hiroto accused, “I know you’ve been keeping tabs on Name, waiting for her to slip up or show some weakness. I wouldn’t have agreed with this meeting if I did not think you had a point, however.”  
    Mizu’s black eyes turned to Name in triumph, but Name wasn’t ready to give him the upper hand. She was confident that nothing Mizu could say at this point truly showed that she was a bad leader.   
    “Bigotry is no basis for business,” Hiroto turned on Mizu, “Saying that Name is a woman, and therefore will make bad decisions is pointless and don’t mention it here again. But I am curious about this boy that my daughter and grandson have gotten tangled up with, as well as her logic for moving to America. What exactly would you have me believe is your reason for feeling that these decisions were poorly made?”  
    Good, Name thought, let Mizu make his case. As long as her father wasn’t agreeing with him outright for those choices, as long as he was giving her a chance to explain herself, Mizu was probably going to end up shooting himself in the foot over this one.  
    “I think it’s obvious,” the black haired man said pompously, “I think she’s being overly emotional, taking in some pathetic boy, because her little family isn’t whole anymore, like a little kid who’s lost a parent and takes in dogs from the street to compensate for it. She obviously hasn’t recovered from the breakdown she had when her husband died. After all… how can you expect someone who locked themselves in their room for three days straight, without even checking on their child, all the while weeping like a little girl, to be able to make reasonable decisions about a billion dollar company?”  
    Name paled and, for a moment, she remembered that time, those first few days after Alexei had died in the hospital. Maybe, the most shocking thing about what Mizu was saying was that none of it was a lie. She _had_ locked herself in her room for three days, not eating or speaking with anyone. She had only done it after her father had arrived to take care of Heero, once she had been sure he would be fine, something inside of her had snapped. She had let go of everything and had just fallen to pieces, crying every second. During that time, she had survived on water from the bathroom tap, unwilling to open the door to let food in, and just as unwilling to eat it. She had slept in a pitiful, cold ball on the floor, unable to sleep in their bed with his scent still lingering there.   
    For the first time since she had boarded the plane, Name felt unbalanced. Mizu’s words had shoved her off her feet and she could only stare ahead of her in complete shock. Of all the things she had prepared herself to hear from him, this had never occurred to her. How could he use her husband’s death against her? Though she had never cared for him, she felt oddly betrayed. Next to her, she felt Heero tremble. She wasn’t sure if it was out of rage or a shock like hers, and was too scared to look. She felt his hand touch hers and she closed her eyes for a second, welcoming the comfort from her son, the only person besides herself and her father who really knew what had happened in those days.   
    “Silence!” Hiroto snapped, more angry than shocked at his step-son’s words, “You disgrace yourself, Mizu!”  
    Mizu took a step back, startled by his step-father’s rage, not having anticipated that Hiroto would be so passionate about this.  
    “Name was not the only one to suffer a loss that day,” Hiroto growled, a sound reminiscent of a bear, “And you have no right to speak of her grief in such a way! If your sweet, kind mother heard you utter such a thing…” he said coldly, “She would be utterly ashamed of you!”  
    That, more than his step-father’s anger, made Mizu pale. If there was one person in his life that he loved, anyone at all, it was his mother. He had never blamed her for remarrying, had never blamed her for anything at all, and the mere assumption that she would hate him for what he was saying struck a blow to him.  
    “The only thing I am concerned about,” Hiroto said in a near hiss of caution at Mizu, “Is Heero’s behavior, this recent move of theirs, and that boy I keep seeing in the newspaper. All I want to know from you, is if you think my daughter is being overwhelmed by her duties, not if you think she’s being overly emotional or sentimental!”  
    “Father,” Name interrupted with a respectful tone, “May I speak?”  
    Hiroto sighed, running his fingers through his white hair and suddenly looking very tired.  
    “Of course. This meeting involves both you and Heero, either of you may speak freely to defend yourselves,” he assured her.  
    “Mizu’s assumptions may be incorrect, but the facts are not. Heero’s behavior was a serious problem, you saw that for yourself. I did move the both of us to America for illogical, selfish reasons. And, I most certainly did take in a child, for no benefit at all to our business. However, he is wrong with his assumption that a leader must only ever be considered with their company, especially in this case. Yuy Corporations isn’t just a multi-billion dollar company, it’s a family business, and has been since it was created. I am just as concerned about this company as I am my own family. While my most recent decisions have not benefited the company in any way, they have benefited my family,” Name told him, starting to regain her senses again.  
    “Then you are willing to tell me what your reasons are?” Hiroto asked, nodding in agreement with Name’s assessment of YC being family orientated.  
    “Yes,” she nodded and put her hand on Heero’s shoulder briefly, “You know how Heero acted after his father’s death. Getting into fights, smoking, never doing his homework… when he put that boy in the hospital, I suppose it was the last straw. Ever since we moved to London, his behavior was getting worse. I thought the best thing would be to get him away, someplace neutral, someplace away from being a Yuy.”  
    Mizu snorted, saying nothing, but his expression clearly said that any Yuy actually wanting to get away from their wealth and reputation was ridiculous. They all ignored him.  
    “And you thought America was that place?” Hiroto asked.  
    “There were several mergers in New York and other places in New England that I needed to work on,” she explained, “As I prepared for those meetings while we were still in London, I did some research, and pondered if New England could be a new home for us, a place where Heero might detach from his recent cycle of behaviors. He had become so arrogant, so listless. It wasn’t until he hurt that boy so badly that I really decided to do it. I’m not an idiot,” she smirked self-depreciatingly, “I know it’s practically impossible for either of us to get away from our notoriety, but a little town in Maine seemed perfect, away from the spotlight, but close enough to larger cities for me to continue with my job.”   
    Heero blushed as he listened to his mother detail his behavior. He really had been a miserable son to her. He had not treated as he had his teachers and other teenagers, but she had had to put up with a lot of shit from him. He hadn’t realized that she had been thinking about moving them for so long. He barely remembered that fight, why he had started it, but it had gone out of control. Anthony Clarence, a homophobic, racist prick that had gotten on his nerves one time too often and on that day, he had done something to irritate Heero to the point when he had decided to shut him up for good.   
    He hadn’t meant to dislocate the boy’s jaw, or break his ribs and wrist, or nearly crush his throat in. Remembering the fight, it almost made him shudder as, for the first time, he realized how close to the edge he had been. If he had remained in London, if he had continued in the self-destructing spiral he had been in, just how down would have pulled himself, and his mother? Would he have ended up like Zechs, bullying kids that couldn’t defend themselves, assaulting people who didn’t irritate him, but were just there? Name glared at her step-brother and pulled a piece of paper out of her purse.  
    “I came prepared,” she said, almost in a warning, and handed the piece of paper to her father.  
    Hiroto studied it for a moment, then, his eyes widened in surprise.  
    “These are Heero’s grades?” he asked, his voice just as surprised as his expression.  
    Name smirked.  
    “As you can see, as _irrational_ as the choice was to move us to Maine, it worked. In the last five months, Heero hasn’t acted out once. His grades have improved, along with his behavior,” she boasted.  
    The teachers’ comments said pretty much the same thing, that Heero was a model student, smart and kind to others, but Hiroto didn’t put much stake in teacher’s comments. It wouldn’t be the first time they had lied on one of Heero’s report cards, even as the grades themselves reflected something completely different. But the letter grades told him everything that he needed to know. His warm, brown eyes met his grandson’s blue ones and he smiled.  
    “I’m proud of you, Heero,” he said.  
    “You shouldn’t be,” Heero protested and looked down at the floor in shame, “I acted like an ass, a spoiled brat. I knew that I was hurting you and Mom, and I did care, I just couldn’t stop. I pushed everyone that loved me away, because I was so worried about losing someone else. I didn’t realize that, no matter how hard I pushed, you wouldn’t stop loving me and I could never stop loving you. I’m sorry.”  
    “I understand,” Hiroto nodded, “It doesn’t excuse your behavior, but I understand. I felt the same way when my first wife died. I didn’t react the same way you did, but it’s understandable. And you think that living in America enabled you to cope with your father’s death appropriately?”  
    Heero’s expression turned sad and introspective, affectionate and lost at the same time. Hiroto had never seen such an expression on the boy’s face before and couldn’t figure it out.  
    “The boy that Mom took in… Duo… his name is Duo… he gave me perspective. He made me understand that what I was doing was just hurting myself. He made me understand how selfish I was being, that I’m not the only one in pain and that, by pushing everyone away, I wasn’t protecting myself. I was just making myself lonely and hurting everyone around me,” Heero murmured.  
    Hiroto turned his gaze back to Name.  
    “That is what perplexes me the most about all this. Why _did_ you take this boy in? You had to have realized that you are putting your family at risk by doing so! He could be anyone, a thief, assassin, someone trying to bring this family down or benefit from us some way. You had to have seen this coming, that we would question you about this. How could you take such a chance?!” he demanded.   
    His rant was cut off by Name’s intense stare, a look that she had never given him in her entire life.  
    “No one in this room can damn me for taking Duo in!” she snapped, angry at her father’s accusations, “If I’m demoted for that… then I don’t _want_ to be this company’s CEO!” she took a deep breath, “If you want to know why I did it, fine, I’ll tell you, but I have one condition.”  
    Hiroto crossed his arms over his chest, considering her for a moment. More than anything, the board meeting, Mizu’s accusations, he wanted to figure his daughter out.  
    “Fine,” he agreed.  
    “I want Mizu to leave,” Name said.  
    Mizu laughed.  
    “Are you joking?! This is _my_ inquisition!” he exclaimed.  
    “No, it’s mine,” Hiroto corrected, “Leave.”  
    “Father!” Mizu protested.  
    “Do you have anymore evidence to provide?” his step-father asked coldly.  
    Mizu hesitated, then grudgingly shook his head. Name had to fight not to smirk at him. He had no more cards, there was nothing else he could do, it was all up to their father.  
    “Then leave,” Hiroto ordered.  
    Mizu glared at his step-sister, then with a huff of breath, stormed out. Heero sighed in relief. He didn’t want the asshole to be around while his mother tried to explain why they had had to take care of Duo. They stayed silent until the door closed behind Mizu.  
    “All right, what is this about and why is such a secret that you don’t want Mizu to know about it?” Heero’s grandfather asked.  
    “It isn’t so much a secret,” Name said, “as Mizu does not need to know it, and does not have the respect to hear it. Duo… I guess the simplest way to put it was he needed me. Needed us. And I’ve never regretted taking care of him. He and Heero are best friends, have been since the first week of school. From the moment I met him, I knew there was something about Duo, something… wrong, but he made Heero happy and seemed harmless enough. Then, one day, Heero and Duo had an argument and Duo went missing. We looked everywhere, but no one could find him. The address he had given at school was a fake.”  
    Hiroto almost demanded to know why Name had let the boy stay with them, then, if he had indeed turned out to be a fake, but knew that the story was far from over.  
    “And when we did find him… he was almost dead,” she murmured, hating talking about this, hating her memories of Duo sitting in that hospital bed, telling them about being raped, but her father’s shocked expression bolstered her forward, “Heero got him to the hospital and he survived. He had been living with a man since he was seven years old, a very… dangerous man, who had been abusing him very severely. Duo doesn’t have any family, no one to take care of him and this man had taken advantage of that. He had turned him into a slave.”  
    Name didn’t talk about the prostitution. She didn’t have the right to tell her father about that and it was something that, she knew, if she did talk about, she wouldn’t be able to get all the way through it. It still hurt just to think about it, the sweet boy that she knew, being forced to do those things, especially as a little child.   
    “He needed a home,” Name murmured, “He needed love. After what that man had done to him, he had surgery and could barely handle just… being alive, let alone finding a place to live or going back to school. I felt responsible for him. I have enough wealth to take care of hundreds of children for the rest of their lives, how could I possibly let a boy that I had known, whom my son cared for and I had let into my house, be pushed aside, or worse, end up on the streets? I paid for his hospital bills and promised to take care of him. I _won’t_ apologize for that.”   
    Hiroto shook his head.  
    “I don’t know if I would have made the same decision,” he confessed, “I don’t know if I would have been able to trust a boy like that into my home. Make sure he found another family, yes, but my own…”  
    Name smiled at him.  
    “To-chan, if you had seen him in that hospital bed… he’s so small, so hurt sometimes, but there’s this… strength and stubbornness to him… I truly mean it when I say I have never regretted my decision. You would have made the same choice, I know it. You’re a kind man,” she said.  
    “Perhaps. But what you did… what you did wasn’t just kind, it was humane. You always did have a big heart, but this was beyond any sense of responsibility,” he pointed out, “Even if he’s Heero friend, he still isn’t your responsibility.”  
    “Yes, he is,” Name argued, “Duo is a part of my family now. Mizu wants you to believe that my judgment is clouded, that my decision to take Duo in is foolish and will hurt the company, but Duo has only strengthened my resolve to run this company right. Maybe our main directive has been to make as much money as we can, to sell products, but there is absolutely no reason why this company can’t be even greater, why we can’t help people like Duo that just need a boost in the right direction.”  
    Hiroto smiled lovingly at her. He felt a burst of pride seeing her so convicted, for having, somehow, raised a child with such a moral spirit. But, as sure of this boy as Name was, he couldn’t help to have his doubts. Their family had been targeted so many times, how could he not doubt whether or not this child was really trustworthy? The only way he would be able to relax was to meet this Duo, but he knew that the time wasn’t right. His parental instincts knew that there was no way Name was going to let him interrogate this boy. Something had happened, something about this boy had wormed into his daughter’s heart and now she was protective of him. She wouldn’t have run Mizu out of the room if she wasn’t. But, even more importantly, that protectiveness and her arguments had given him all the information he had needed.  
    “Tell Mizu to come back in,” he told his daughter.   
    Name didn’t ask why, she understood his expression and opened the door. Mizu was impatiently waiting out in the corridor and strode back into the office.  
    “I’ve come to my decision,” Hiroto announced.  
    Heero tensed. So soon? How could he just decide when there were so many more arguments Heero could come up with why his Mom was the only person who could lead this company? Again, he feared the worst, that his Mom was going to be demoted and he would be… Mizu’s smirk diminished as Hiroto looked at him fiercely.  
    “You have no standing here,” the older man said sharply, “All of your… points have been argued, and I have to agree with Name. Her reasoning is sound, yours is not.”  
    “Sir!” Mizu tried to protest.  
    “I have followed her progress just as much as you,” Hiroto interrupted, “Yuy Corporations has flourished. Not a single one of her recent decisions has harmed the company, even slightly. I will not penalize her for possible, future mistakes.”  
    “And what about the media?!” Mizu nearly screamed, quickly losing control, “What about all the stories they print and air, calling her a fool, speculating all sorts of embarrassing things because of her actions?! Because of her and that… that street brat, this company’s reputation is being dragged through the mud!”  
    “The media has always concocted sick, little stories about this family,” Hiroto dismissed with a wave of his hand, “And they will continue to make such stories, no matter what is really going on,” he narrowed his eyes at Mizu, “Besides, I know why you are really here, why you have tried to bring all of this to my attention, and it has nothing to do with concern for this company. Know this, Mizu: Even if Name’s actions had hurt the company, I never would have appointed you as CEO. Surely, you must realize that by now. You clearly don’t have what it takes to lead this company, if you’re coming here with such pitiful evidence. You should be commending your sister for helping someone who needed her, instead of trying to bring her down for your own selfish needs.”  
    Mizu turned red in the face and started to breathe hard as he realized that he had lost. He turned and glared, not at Name, but at Heero, his rage growing as Heero just smirked at him, hiding his relief. Mizu stormed past him and slammed the office door behind him so hard, the pictures on the walls rattled. Hiroto shook his head.   
    “I’m sorry for his behavior,” he apologized.  
    Heero really didn’t care. He felt… elated. Was it really over? Could they go home now? He had thought that this ordeal would drag itself out for days, but at this rate, they could leave tomorrow morning! He didn’t have to take over the company, Mizu hadn’t gotten the last laugh… everything was going to continue on, exactly how it had been.   
    “It isn’t your fault,” Name said, “Mizu’s problems are his own.”  
    “Perhaps,” Hiroto nearly agreed, “Or maybe I should have been more active during his childhood.”  
    “Some people are just born assholes,” Heero groused, thinking of Zechs.  
    Hiroto burst out laughing at his grandson’s mood, shaking his head.  
    “You really are your mother’s son, aren’t you?” he teased.  
    Name raised an eyebrow at him.  
    “And what is that supposed to mean, father-dear?” she grumbled in the same manner that Heero had.  
    “Is this really all settled?” Heero burst out.  
    His grandfather nodded.  
    “Actually, I must confess, knowing Mizu as I do, I had already made most of my mind up when he first brought this issue up,” he said.  
    “And you dragged me and my son here anyway?” Name asked incredulously.  
    Hiroto smiled.  
    “I wanted to spend some time with my daughter and grandson,” he informed them.  
    Name and Heero shared a look. Heero knew what his mother was thinking. How often would they be able to have the three of them on the same continent? His concern for Duo niggled at him. They should be going back as soon as possible… but he hadn’t seen his grandfather in so long and he _did_ want to spend some time with him…  
    “It’s up to you,” Name said softly.  
    Heero hesitated.  
    “I guess…” he murmured, “Just for a little while.”  
    “I know it’s been a trying time for both of you,” Hiroto said, “Why don’t you two go to your hotel and we can have breakfast tomorrow, maybe we can walk around tomorrow with your grandmother, do a little shopping?”  
    “I’m sure Duo would love a souvenir,” Name suggested.  
    It was that comment that won Heero over. He couldn’t go back home to Maine without something to give to his best friend. He imagined Duo’s eyes widening with excitement if he gave him some special gift, a light flush over those pale cheeks… yeah, he definitely couldn’t leave without souvenirs. And… Duo could take care of himself, couldn’t he? He had Trowa and Quatre, after all… a little more time away couldn’t hurt and it was unlikely that they would have flown back tonight anyway. He nodded.  
    “Ok, but no restaurants that only have five things on the menu,” he warned.  
    He wasn’t the same person that had left this country all those months ago. He would never be that person again. No more expensive restaurants where he couldn’t even pronounce the thing he had just ordered. No more fights or stolen liquor. No more thinking he was the most privileged person in the world. Because, as nice as it was to see his grandfather again, as nice as it was to be with his family and back in the world he had always known and understood, where tall, blonde predators posing as pimps didn’t try to shoot him or rape his best friend, he was still going back and as soon as he did, the very first thing he did was to share a slice of pizza with the boy he loved. If there was one thing that he had learned after all these months, it was that, sometimes, the thing that made you the happiest was also the simplest thing in the world.   
  
  
  
End Part 4  
  
(1) Um, anyone remember this? It was back in chapter 4. It was the reason why Alex messed with Duo, because he got expelled for a fire that, he believed, had been Heero’s fault, but knew that Heero would never get blamed for it. So, who did start that fire?


	51. The Second Son Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo tries to deal with not having Heero around. Treize informs him what happened about his grades.

The Road to Kindness   
  
Chapter 8  
  
Part 5  
  
  
    The only word Duo could come up with to describe his school day was “strange”. From the moment he had walked through the doors in the morning with Trowa and Quatre, he kept looking over his shoulder, expecting Heero to be there. And every time Duo realized he wasn’t, his heart dropped down into his stomach. He felt lonely and vulnerable, in a way that he hadn’t felt since Heero had moved here. They had always been together, even when they hadn’t been speaking to each other. He had always known that Heero would be there, if he needed him. Now that he wasn’t, it was just strange. Sure, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei were trailing him, forming a sort of barrier between him and everyone else, but it wasn’t the same.  
    It was really, really pathetic, Duo thought as his teacher droned on, he couldn’t even go a couple hours knowing that Heero wasn’t around without nearly freaking out. He felt hollow and on edge without his best friend there, watching his back, comforting him with just a glance. He hated himself for feeling that dependent on anyone. Ever since Boston, he had yearned to be stronger, to make Heero see that he wasn’t weak. Ever since their walk on the beach together, he had promised himself that he wouldn’t let Wes turn him into a cowardly little boy again, willing to do anything, obey any order, just to hide from pain. So, that it was Heero’s leaving, and not Wes’ threat, hanging in the air around him, that was making him tremble was so stupid.  
    Duo glanced behind him. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t have a few classes all by himself. Just like he had thought, he was staring at him again. Zechs. Duo quickly looked back at the teacher, blushing slightly with frustration. The silver-haired bully had always made his hair stand on end, even before he had solicited him and started to become out of control when he found out that he and Heero were living together. Realistically, Zechs was nowhere near as dangerous or threatening as Wes, but he had always scared him. Heero had proven to the older boy that if Zechs ever did anything to Duo, Heero would come after him, and that was something that even the ice-blue eyed boy couldn’t risk. But now Heero wasn’t here and in every one of the classes he had with Zechs, he was there, staring at him.  
    Duo chewed on his upper lip as the teacher concluded their lesson. He didn’t want to live his life like this, scared of people like Zechs unless Heero was around. Hadn’t he grown up enough to be able to take care of himself instead of relying on others like a little kid? He supposed that it was ok to lean on Heero a little. If there was one thing their little talk on the beach had made him realize, it was that he wasn’t the only one that needed this friendship, wasn’t the only one who needed to lean on others for a little while. And maybe that was fine, with Wes stalking him. Maybe it was fine to borrow from Heero’s strength with him practically shaking just with having to walk outside, but he didn’t want to be like that all the time.  
    Zechs was just a kid, like him, he told himself. Why should Heero have to save him from someone like that, someone who just pushed him around because he was bigger and stronger? With Wes, it was different. It wasn’t because Wes was bigger than him. It wasn’t because he had cops paid off or had ties to mob types. Duo knew that, even if Wes hadn’t had all that power, he still would have done everything the same; raping him, turning all those kids and teens into whores and drug mules, killing people who just looked at him funny… all the games and mind fucks. Zechs did what he did because he could, because he thought he could get away with it. Wes did it because he liked it. When his favorite toy had been taken away, Zechs had given it up, pined after it, but stayed in the shadows, waiting for a weak point. Wes had never given up. He had pushed back.   
    Duo felt a little shudder go up his spine at that thought. If Zechs thought that the only reason why their relationship had changed was because of Heero, and thought that the Japanese boy was the only thing standing in his way, maybe he would try something today. It scared him and that fear frustrated him. He had come so far lately, and he had thought he would never have to be scared of Zechs again. It made him feel like he was taking huge steps back, the tightening of his heart feeling those icy eyes on his back.   
    He had come too far to let this boy make him feel like the lost and terrified little boy he had been in middle school, his very first year, showing up with ripped jeans and half-used notebooks he had fished out the garbage. He had stunk worse than the notebooks, of sweat and sex, cigarette smoke and beer. He had smelled like every gutter and sleezy hotel he had ever been in, his braided hair heavy and greasy against his too-thin t-shirt. The girls used to joke that if they stood too close to him, they would get lice.   
    His glasses had been too big for his face and they very first day, he had shook as he sat in class, terrified that someone would figure out what he really was. And when no one had, somehow, that had been much worse. That first day, Zechs and his thug friends had descended on him like wolves on a lost fawn, gleefully with bared teeth. It had been at that moment, feeling the toe of Zechs’ boot digging into his painfully thin side, right into his ribs, that he had realized that nothing would ever change. Even if he got away from Wes, someone would take his place. Someone or something else would be there to shove him back down, where he belonged.  
    The bell rang loudly, indicating the end of the period and the start of lunch, rousing Duo sharply from his dark reminiscing. He shook his head at himself. In the end, he had been wrong, hadn’t he? The thought made him smile softly. He had gotten his own knight riding a white horse to rescue him from the fire breathing dragon. He almost chuckled at that. The analogy was all wrong. There was a silver sports car instead of white horse, no knight, just an easily angered, once arrogant teenaged boy. And no one, not even Name and Heero, could save him from the real villain. Zechs was more like a troll, and Wes the black dragon. Duo sure as hell wasn’t a princess.   
    That was the difference he supposed, the princess was supposed to let the knight or prince take care of her, to do all the fighting. But Duo didn’t want that. He yearned for someone to take care of him, sure, but he didn’t want to be like some pathetic chick who would be content to let ‘the man’ do everything for her. He didn’t just want to take, that seemed so hollow and useless to him. He wanted to be the one to fend the dragon off, or at least help. He wanted that feeling of power, of accomplishment. He wanted to take control of his life, and to make Heero proud of him. He didn’t want to be that lost little boy anymore, needing to be saved from a bully. In the end, he wasn’t in the gutter anymore, the way that Zechs had made him feel hadn’t been a prophecy, and he refused to let the silver haired boy make him feel that way he had felt when he had been younger, the second Heero was away.   
    Duo got out of his seat and pushed past Zechs, defiantly, and was gratified when he wasn’t grabbed or tripped, his hair wasn’t pulled, and he wasn’t chased after. Every instinct he had buzzed in his ear, screaming at him to look back, to make sure that the silver haired boy wasn’t going to try anything, but he refused to. He refused to give Zechs the satisfaction of knowing that he had rattled him. He refused to really let himself realize that, either. Instead, he forced himself to focus on how empty he felt as he walked down the hallway towards the lunch room. It wasn’t anymore comforting than his fears about Zechs. An entire school year had gone by with Heero as his constant shadow. Now, he felt like he had lost the other half of his soul.   
    He took a deep breath as he entered the lunch room. He was being melodramatic, he knew that, but there was just this weird feeling in his gut, a strange mix of anxiety and that prickling you got when you knew that something was wrong, you just couldn’t figure out what it was. Duo felt eyes on him as he walked towards the table that he and his friends usually sat at, where Wufei was already sitting and reading something as he ate, but he knew that it wasn’t Zechs this time. It was the same curious stare he had been getting all day. He and Heero hadn’t been apart since that terrible fight they had had, the one that had made Duo stop going to school. Obviously, Heero’s absence now was gaining a lot of attention and question from his classmates.      
    Duo gritted his teeth and made a beeline for Wufei. When had his life become a spectator sport, nothing more than a bit of entertainment for other people, like some stupid tabloid or pointless reality show featuring some two-bit celebrity? Why was it that, the only time any of these people cared to look him in the eye, was when something bad was happening in his life? Otherwise, they couldn’t be bothered. And they had always thought that they were better than him, because he had smelled bad and wore worn clothing, because he had been bullied. Wufei noticed him and smiled up at him, then returned to his reading, his expression turning deadly serious and almost worried. Duo smiled, too. What was going on in his life was the only business of his friends’, and he couldn’t count a single one of the people staring at him as that.  
    He sat down at the table and started to eat his lunch, which Name had packed before she had left this morning. Potato salad, slices of strawberry, milk, and those little, pre-packaged vanilla cakes covered in a thin layer of frosting and filled with cream (1). They were cheap and as bad for you as you could get, but he had fallen in love with them the very first time Heero had bought one for him on a whim. There was just something so… childish and wonderful about them. Name always lectured him about eating them, that they could easily find a snack for him that tasted better and wasn’t so fattening, yet every so often, he found one of the little cakes in his lunches anyway. His smile grew. If he could define motherhood in something so small and simple, it would be a woman who loved you enough to give you things she thought were bad for you every now and again, just because she knew you liked them.  
    Duo finished his lunch quickly, his appetite back with a vengeance today, ironic considering that, emotionally, he didn’t feel like eating at all, and was completely aware that the prickling feeling along the back of his neck was from a stare too sharp and chilling to be mere curiosity. He kept his head down, knowing that those eyes would be ice blue and that just not looking at Zechs wouldn’t keep him from staring at him like that. Fear gripped his heart again. Where were Quatre and Trowa? He suddenly realized that like slap to the face and looked up. He had been eating for at least fifteen minutes now, but the other two boys still hadn’t shown up at their table. He looked around shakily but couldn’t spot a little blonde or very tall brunette with green eyes anywhere.  
    What if Zechs had already tried something? He remembered what the older boy had done in Boston, how he had cornered Quatre to get the card key to their hotel room. But they were home now, surely Zechs couldn’t be so stupid as to try to attack Quatre again? Besides, while he didn’t have Heero right now, Quatre had his own shield. Trowa would never let anything bad happen to Quatre, just like how Heero would never let anything bad happen to Duo, and Duo would never let anything bad happen to Heero.     He didn’t think that Zechs could overpower both Quatre and Trowa. Quatre was little, but stubborn, and Trowa was the same height as Zechs was, maybe an inch or two taller. But Zechs was bulkier, stronger. Duo knew firsthand how strong… no, how crazy he could be. What if he had… Duo glanced over at Wufei, who was still reading something, looking completely focused on it.  
    “What is that?” he finally asked, unable to keep his curiosity at bay.  
    Wufei looked up at him, startled, then blushed, which intrigued Duo further. The Chinese boy considered him for a moment, as though he were trying to decide something. After a few seconds, he slid the piece of paper over to Duo across the table.  
    “A letter, from Fai,” Wufei murmured.  
    Duo’s violet eyes lit up and he all at once forgot about Zechs and missing Heero.  
    “He managed to write to you?!” he exclaimed, remembering the shy, Chinese boy fondly.  
    “And a phone call,” Wufei confessed.  
    “He got home ok?” Duo asked.  
    “I think so,” Wufei said hesitantly, remembering Fai’s inability to talk about his father’s anger, “Name gave him a cell phone, but he has to hide it from his father, so he only has a small window of time to call. I… I haven’t heard from him for a couple of days.”  
    Wufei paused, seeming unsure again.  
    “Could you… could you do me a favor?” he asked.  
    “Sure,” Duo nodded eagerly, “Anything you want.”  
    “It’s just… something that Quatre said yesterday, about his sister worrying about war. It reminded me about something Fai wrote, something he refused to talk about,” Wufei tried to explain.  
    Duo quickly scanned the letter, feeling like a voyeur in doing so. The letter was incredibly personal and Duo forced himself to skip over references to things he didn’t understand, mentions of things that only two lovers should know, and Fai’s feelings towards his family and focused only on Fai’s fears and paranoia about the possible upcoming war in his homeland. Even as detached as he was from the whole situation, he felt a chill reading Fai’s words. Duo had never really concerned himself with the rest of the world. War, greed, plague, racism… He didn’t need to turn on the news to see those things. He had seen them every day, on the street, living with Wes, among his classmates… His life had been one great war, a battle just to survive.  
    Besides, when would he have ever had the occasion to watch the news? Wes only really turned the television on if there was a game on, or for the weather. He would say that all those other shows, particularly the sitcoms, were all trash. He hadn’t even liked the porn channels, saying that if he needed to jack off, well, that was what he had Duo for. Chris had liked to watch the news, though, especially when there was an election on. Wes would just sneer at the politicians, often referring to them as little kids playing at court jester.   
    Duo doubted that Wes had ever had much faith in government, considering that he worked on the dark side of it every day and had never gotten caught. Duo had always had a similar attitude. What had any of those sweet talking, smiling politicians promising a better future ever done for him, or anyone else he had ever known, for that matter? The news, to him, had always been just one bad story after another. People getting into car accidents, escaped convicts, the mildest he had ever seen was lost pets. He knew that Trowa and Quatre watched the news with Name all the time to keep in touch with the rest of the world, but the last thing Duo thought he needed in his life was hearing other people’s bad news.   
    He really had no idea what was happening in either Wufei or Quatre’s countries, but even an oblivious kid like him didn’t see war as a far off reality. The world economy was so bad, whole countries were going bankrupt. Some guy had gone around blowing up banks in Paris because the company that owned the banks had pulled some unethical loan procedure on him, resulting in them repossessing his home. He had blown up seven banks during their busiest hours over the course of two months before the cops had finally managed to catch him. He had killed over four hundred people. Duo only remembered it because Chris had made some remark at the time that had disgusted Duo.   
    There were wars already happening in Africa and South America, that he knew of, and some kind of plague in Hawaii that had caused all of the islands to be quarantined in the past year. Was it really so hard to imagine that other countries were on the brink of war? Just because there hadn’t been any incidents here, in New England, it didn’t mean that Duo was so arrogant that he would believe that nothing would ever happen here. And did some bombings really add up to a full-fledged war? Was Fai just over-reacting, or was he really in danger? If a war did break out, would Fai be safe, or would he be forced into the army?   
    “Well?” Wufei asked as Duo looked up from the letter, “Do you think I’m being stupid, worrying about all this? Ever since I got that letter, all I can think about is getting him out of China, back here, where it’s safe. Am I being ridiculous?”  
    Wufei’s expression was anxious and filled with the worry he felt in his heart. It was hard to look at him. Again, Duo felt Heero’s loss sharply. That was fair. He and Duo weren’t lovers like Wufei and Fai were, so he couldn’t possibly compare their situations, but Heero was far away and if anything happened to him, there was nothing Duo could do. Just like in Boston. He keenly felt his stomach drop at that thought. How would he feel, if he knew that London was being bombed and Heero might be hurt? How would he feel if they were so far away from each other and he was safe, while the man he loved might be in danger?   
    Something tightened around his heart and again, he wondered where Quatre and Trowa were. He wondered what Heero was doing right now. His watch said it was almost one. That meant that it was, what, nearly seven in London? They were probably having dinner or something. Or were they still negotiating with Mizu and Heero’s grandfather? He wondered how all that was going. Could he really handle all this, as badly as he was handling it now, if Fai’s situation had been switched with Heero? He felt amazed that Wufei was even sane.   
    “No,” he murmured with a shake of his head, his violet eyes soft and comforting, “You love him. Of course you’re not being ridiculous.”  
    Wufei sighed, Duo thought, in relief.   
    “I just… I feel so helpless,” the Chinese boy confessed, “Even though Fai can call me, even though I can hear his voice, he’s so far away from me, and if anything were to happen… I can’t reach him. I can’t do anything.”  
    “Fai will be fine,” Duo said, putting his hand over Wufei’s across the table.  
    It was a lie, they both knew that, but Duo felt no guilt at lying to his friend. Not about this. If a lie would make him feel better, he would tell him anything he wanted to hear.   
    “You’d be surprised at what human beings can survive,” Duo said with a sad smile, his thoughts momentarily, unwanted, drifting to Wes, “Fai might be small, but he loves you, too. I know he’ll do anything, survive anything, to see you again. And if a war does break out, I’m sure Name and Fai will work something out to make sure he’s safe.”  
    “She’s done so much for us already,” Wufei murmured, “How can I expect her to do anything else? I’m not her son, not a part of her family. She has no reason to do anything for me.”  
    “I think… I think Name’s kindness is endless,” Duo mused, “Every time I think, no matter how much she loves me, she can’t possibly do any more than she already has, she proves me wrong. She paid for my hospital bills, took me into her home, made me part of her family. Compared to all that, getting Fai out of China seems so small. I mean, sure, getting him out isn’t really the issue, its finding him a place to live, but my point is don’t worry about it so much.”  
    Wufei shook his head in amusement.  
    “You know for someone who claims to be a realist, you sure want me to believe some fairy tale stuff,” he chuckled bitterly.  
    Duo shrugged.  
    “I don’t know. Lately, my life has sort of felt like a fairy tale,” he pointed out, then paused, “Hey, you owe me a favor now, right?”  
    Wufei nodded. He had joked about Duo being too optimistic about his fears, but the American’s conviction that Fai would be fine had put him at ease a little bit.  
    “Anything you want,” he promised.  
    Duo gestured over his shoulder with a jerk of his head.  
    “On my right, two tables down,” he said cryptically.   
    Wufei looked to where Duo wanted him to. It didn’t take him long to realize what he wanted him to notice. Zechs was staring right at Duo’s back, his usually icy eyes heated, then turned cold as they turned on Wufei. Wufei wasn’t intimidated by him and glared back, infuriated when the white haired boy smirked arrogantly at him.   
    “Is he looking at me?” Duo asked in a soft tone that made Wufei even more frustrated at Zechs.  
    “Yeah,” the dark haired boy admitted angrily, “Like a lion staring at a wounded, baby gazelle.”  
    Duo clenched his hands so hard, if his nails had been longer, he would have drawn blood. He felt a panic attack start to rise up in his chest, his heart tight and beating fast. He had known that Zechs was still there, watching him, but Wufei’s assessment of it, that Zechs wasn’t just looking at him, but stalking him, frightened him. Why was he doing this? He wasn’t even trying anything, just _looking_ at him… like how Wes would do sometimes, and it had always drove him mad, wondering when the hit would happen, because it _would_ happen, eventually. Why was Zechs just staring at him? Heero wasn’t here. Zechs obviously thought that that was significant. So why wasn’t he trying something?   
    Where were Quatre and Trowa? Something inside of him burned and the panic threatened to turn his stomach inside out. He could feel it. Something was wrong. This was all his fault. Just like in Boston, just like when Zechs had cornered Quatre before. If it weren’t for him, Zechs never would have tried to hurt Quatre. But, just like Heero, Quatre had never complained, had never blamed him for it. Zechs had tried to destroy his friendship with Heero before, and he had almost succeeded. Not only that, he had almost died because of that one act.  
    Was it really so melodramatic to think that? Zechs hadn’t tried to kill him, just humiliate him and make Heero think the worst of him. But, in reality, if Zechs had never dragged him out that day, if Heero had never found him like that, he never would have left school, never would have run away from Wes, just to see Heero one more time. Wes never would have chained him to that bed… and Chris never would have nearly killed him. Duo shuddered a little as he remembered sitting in Heero’s car after Heero had screamed at him and he had stormed off into the convenience store.     He remembered feeling like he was dying, all sense and reason leaving him as the internal bleeding had left him dazed, coughing up blood everywhere, and all he had been able to think about was getting ‘home’. The only home, even in his out of mind state, he had ever known. If it hadn’t been for Zechs’ stupid mind games, none of that would have happened. He supposed he could also say that, if it hadn’t been for Zechs, Name and Heero never would have found out what was really going on in his life, they never would have taken him home and given him a real, proper existence, but honestly, wouldn’t it have just been a matter of time?     Name wasn’t stupid. Duo knew that, the entire time he had spent in her house as a guest, she had been suspicious of him. Sooner or later, all his instances about his ‘father’ would have fallen flat. She would have figured things out all on her own, without all the pain and loneliness he had gone through because of Zechs and that British friend of his. And what was the point? Because Duo had told him no? Who cared? Zechs could bully any other boy in this school and get the same deal. So why go through all this trouble? And then there was attacking Quatre… Zechs knew exactly who Quatre and Heero were, so he had to have known that trying to hurt Quatre was idiotic.   
    Zechs was as nuts as his sister. Maybe stalking was genetic. Relena had tried to have him raped, just to prove an insane point. What if Zechs really had done something horrible to Quatre and Trowa? Wufei watched in alarm as the color in Duo’s face drained out of him. He looked terrified and Wufei wanted to smack himself for ever voicing his opinion about Zechs aloud. Duo didn’t need this right now, not with Heero in London. He was already off balance and Wufei wondered if he didn’t have a point. He was unsettled by Zechs’ sudden behavior and he wasn’t even the one in danger.   
    Did the blue eyed boy really think that, just because Yuy wasn’t hovering over Duo like an overprotective alpha wolf that it meant that Duo was weak and vulnerable? Duo wasn’t the defenseless little boy that he projected, him attacking Wes to save his life had proven that. Duo simply believed that he was weak, because Wes had drilled that personality into him for years, but deep down inside, Duo’s real self was still alive, starving and malnourished, but clinging to life.   
    Wufei had seen it personally, that stubborn streak, his struggle to protect the people he loved, while every other time, he was cowering from the rest of the world, confident that, if something bad did happen, he should just let it unfold because he was too pathetic to stop it. They all knew that that wasn’t true, that Duo had it in him to be strong. And little by little, Duo was getting the confidence to believe that, too. If Zechs did try something, as much as, Wufei was sure, Duo believed he would fall into old patterns, that Zechs was just too much stronger than him, Wufei knew that Duo would defend himself this time. Besides, even if Heero wasn’t here, Duo still had people who wouldn’t let Zechs lay one single hand on him. And if the asshole didn’t realize that, Wufei was more than happy to teach him it. He put his hand over Duo’s again, rubbing his thumb over Duo’s knuckles. His skin felt so cold. Duo looked up at him, startled from his thoughts.  
    “It’s ok,” Wufei soothed, suddenly realizing both that Duo was having the beginning of one of his infamous panic attacks and that their roles were reversed.  
    Of course, he thought bitterly, something like this would happen when Heero wasn’t around to settle Duo’s anxieties and Quatre and Trowa were off necking somewhere, or whatever it was those two did when they were by themselves.  
    “I won’t let him hurt you, or any of us,” Wufei promised.   
    Duo’s expression of shock and fear started to fade. That old voice deep in his head protested, telling him not to believe his friend. No one could really protect him, especially not Wufei. He wasn’t affluent, like Quatre and Heero were, or physically intimidating like Trowa. Wufei was only a little bit taller than Quatre and himself. If Zechs tried something, what could Wufei possibly do to save him? He shouldn’t have to save him. Just because he was too pathetic to help himself… in reality, no one cold protect him. Hadn’t Wes proved that? Duo lashed out at those ancient thoughts. He wasn’t that person anymore, he wasn’t helpless or useless anymore.   
    Wes had tried to prove to him that he was alone in the world, but he had failed. Even then, in the dark woods, when he and Heero had felt so far apart, all of his friends had come to save him. And in the end, he had managed to pay back the favor by saving Wufei’s life. He wasn’t alone and he wasn’t a scared little kid anymore, that part of him was gone and he refused to let it get a foothold in his heart ever again. If Wufei said that he would protect him, Duo believed it. Not because it was some grand truth, but because he chose to believe in it, because he wanted it to be true. It was so much better than cowering in the dark and accepting that he was just as powerless as when he was seven years old, drugged and lying paralyzed on Wes’ bed. That conviction managed to put his heart at ease and he smiled at his friend.  
    “Ok,” he said, “But… what about Quatre and Trowa?”  
    Wufei looked away from Duo and blushed slightly.  
    “I’m sure that they’ll turn up,” he muttered, taking a sip of the soup his mother had packed for him.   
    Duo raised an eyebrow at him.  
    “What do you know?” he accused, secretly hopeful, remembering that Trowa and Wufei shared the class before lunch together.  
    “Nothing at all,” Wufei muttered, “When Quatre starts blushing and giggling, Trowa starts grinning like a cat with a canary, and the two of them run off in the opposite direction together, I don’t ask many questions.”  
    Duo groaned and let his head fall onto his folded arms.  
    “Are you joking?” he whispered to himself, his words muffled.  
    Here he was, panicking and thinking that Zechs had done something horrible to his friends, and the two of them were… were molesting each other in some empty classroom or something! Sure, Quatre and Trowa were obviously in love and had no problem with letting the world know it, but they didn’t exactly make out in public, either. They definitely didn’t make out during school hours, either. There had to be some reason for it, or something. Duo nearly turned around and glared at Zechs in irritation, but didn’t.   
    “The least they could have done was tell someone,” he muttered as he lifted his head.  
    They finished their lunch mostly in peace and quiet, not talking about war or Zechs. Wufei offered to walk him to his locker to pick up his books for his afternoon classes, but Duo declined, not wanting to be led around like some little kid. As afraid as he was of Zechs, there really wasn’t much that the white haired boy could do in a busy corridor. He didn’t even see him as he got to his locker and collected his things. Still, when a hand fell on his shoulder, he nearly jumped and made a sharp sound as his heart raced, not quite a whimper or a scream. He whirled and met, not Zechs, but Mrs. Khushrenada. He stared at her incredulously for a second as he forced his heart to calm, unable to figure out why she was standing in this busy corridor, surrounded by students.  
    “Duo, what’s wrong?” Une asked, worried about how shocked he looked.  
    “You just… startled me,” he stammered.  
    Une smiled at him and it reminded Duo of the way that Name often smiled at him, maternal, kind, and comforting. At that moment, he realized that he missed Name as much as he missed Heero and the thought of going home this afternoon, and not seeing that smile as he walked through the door filled him with a deep loneliness and hesitance.  
    “I just wanted to tell you that Mr. Khushrenada has your report card for you. He wants to talk to you for a few minutes after classes, too,” she told him.  
    “He found out what happened?” Duo asked nervously.  
    Une nodded, then patted his shoulder.  
    “It wasn’t your fault,” she soothed, “You aren’t in trouble.”  
    Duo knew that he should feel relieved about her assurances, but he still felt a little bit pensive. It was just before one o’clock and he felt exhausted between missing Heero and worrying about Zechs. As much as going home seemed cold and empty, he suddenly wanted nothing more than to walk through that door, run up to his room, and fall into his bed. He doubted that Trowa and Quatre wanted to wait for him, either. Still, he nodded.  
    “I’ll see him,” he said.  
    “You did well, Duo,” she assured him, “We’re so proud of you.”  
    Duo blushed darkly and watched the teacher turn and walk down the hall, kids moving out of her way, a weird warmth building in his stomach. He never knew what to think about Mrs. Khushrenada. He had always had a mixture of respect and disdain for his teachers, especially during his first year of school. They had never really noticed him. When he had needed them, they had turned a blind eye to him. He had never had any illusions that they were ignorant to what Zechs had been doing to him, that there was something wrong, something not quite right with his home life. And yet, not a single one of them had tried to help him, or even ask him if anything was wrong. If he had ever needed any of their help, even on a school assignment, unless he had asked for their help specifically, which he never did because he had been so painfully shy and nervous, they had just ignored him.  
    Then, there was Mrs. Khushrenada. She had always been nice to him. When she had spoken to him, she would look him in the eye and smile, like he was any other student, like he was more than just a dirty smudge in the midst of teenagers. His first year of middle school, he had almost flunked out of his math class. At the time, his math skills had been even less than his spelling and reading skills, about that of an elementary school student. He had been able to add and subtract, plus multiply enough to calculate beer tax from picking it up for Wes, but little else. While his other classmates were calculating the value of x, Duo had been struggling to understand what all the little symbols meant and how to multiply two digit numbers.  
    In the end, it hadn’t been Zechs’ abuse, or Wes telling him over and over and over how useless it was, he was too stupid, too useless, that school wasn’t for rats like him that had made him believe he was trash, that he really didn’t belong in school. It had been his first math assignment. He had hid away in his room as Wes and Chris had broken in a new, teenaged whore in the kitchen, listening to the familiar sounds of sex and crying, even if it hadn’t been coming from him that time, but despite how hard it was to concentrate, he had gotten through his English homework with some hard work, still having a lot of trouble with the bigger words, especially with the grammar assignments, figuring out the difference between semicolons, colons, and ellipses. To this day he still had trouble with those stupid things.   
    Then, he had opened his math book and had pulled out his assignment sheet. He had spent three hours looking at all those numbers and symbols, reading the assigned chapters as the sounds around him frustrated him more and more and he had, little by little, realized that he didn’t understand a single thing that was in his textbook. After three hours, it had struck him like a physical blow. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t get math. He didn’t get _any_ of it! After three hours, he had felt as stupid and useless as Wes had always called him. He had cried, then, for a long time. At that point, after living with Wes for so long, he hadn’t really cried for years. Pain and humiliation had become common place in his life. No matter how much he hurt, he had just pushed it down into a cancerous ball in his stomach. Crying had never made him feel better and, if Wes heard him, he would only get hit for it.   
    Wes hadn’t heard him that night, thankfully. If he had, Duo wondered if he would have ever gone back to school. He had nearly given up entirely that night. When Wes had, reluctantly, agreed to let him go to school, it had easily been the happiest moment of his life. He could do something _normal_ , something that all the other kids got to do. He could get away from Wes for a little while. He had never really believed that taking a few classes would give him any opportunities, but he had hoped, somewhere deep inside, that he might meet someone his age, might gain a friend or two. Then, he had met Zechs and had realized how utterly stupid that wish had been. Even if he hadn’t been bullied, why would anyone want to be friends with him? How could someone like him ever have a friend, when he was supposed to be hiding his real identity?  
    But that had been different. He had wanted to go to school to prove to himself that he wasn’t trash. He had wanted to learn, to try to fool himself, just for a few hours, that he could be like anyone else. But that stupid math homework had brought him down to reality. The next morning, he had been more depressed than he had been in a long time. Being hit and raped every day was one thing, realizing his own self-worthlessness had seemed so much more devastating, so much crueler. He couldn’t remember why he had gone back to school that day, if there had been a tiny string of hope in him, or if it was just a ritual thing. When his math teacher had gone around to collect the homework, Duo couldn’t recall what had been more embarrassing, having only a blank assignment sheet to give his teacher, or when the teacher just walked by him, seeing that he hadn’t completed his work, without even a disappointed glance, as though he hadn’t expected anything from Duo, or perhaps he just hadn’t cared.  
    After that shameful moment, Duo had resolved that he wouldn’t go back to school. He clearly was too stupid to learn anything, so what was the point? Maybe he could hang out at the library during school hours, so Wes would still think that he was going. He had never asked what Duo did at school, he even seemed to be disgusted by the mere mention of Duo’s classes, so he clearly didn’t care. At least at the library he could learn some more words and not feel like an idiot. Even now, Duo had no idea how Une had heard about his troubles in math, being his science teacher, but there she had been standing at his table at lunch and offering to tutor him.  
    Duo didn’t think he would ever forget that. He had given up on all of his teachers, yet she had given up all her lunch hours, just to teach him math. He had looked over at her at times during those sessions and had realized that she wasn’t like his other teachers at all. She hadn’t asked any questions about him, either, but he had seen in her eyes that she had wanted to and, back then, that had been enough for him. He wondered what his life would be like right now if she hadn’t helped him out back then. Looking back at the first week of school, and thinking of what his school life was like now, the work he had put in and how far he had come was strange.  
    Duo shook himself from his reminiscing, shoved his books into his bag, and rushed off to his next class. Not that he really needed his books, but it was that feeling of ritual and knowing that if he didn’t do it, there would be that weird prickling in the back of his head, that he was forgetting something, even if he knew logically that he wasn’t. Nothing happened at all during his afternoon classes, just him and his classmates watching some stupid movies that were blandly popular among teenagers while still managing to be appropriate to show in a classroom. Duo spent his time reading a novel he had snuck from Heero’s room that morning and feeling relief that he didn’t have Zechs in any more of his classes except for gym.   
    When he got there, he forgot all about the silver haired bully as he saw Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei all together, talking and laughing. Almost like it was supposed to be, only there was one person missing. Seeing Quatre and Trowa, clearly fine, Duo almost hugged them. Instead, he calmly walked over to the small group and Trowa grinned when he saw him. The tall Italian just looked so… _cheeky_. Cheeky and amused. Wufei seemed oblivious to his expression, but even from where Duo was, he could tell that Quatre was blushing lightly.   
    He remembered what Wufei had said at lunch, about what Quatre and Trowa had probably been doing in their absence, and blushed himself. Trowa’s smirk widened, completely unconcerned that Duo had figured out why he was so happy. Duo nearly chided him for acting like some clichéd, hormonal teenager, having sex, or nearly that, in school of all places, but realized that if he did bring it up, he was only going to feel embarrassed and Trowa was going to be the one to tease the hell out of him. How was it that he had spent so many years as a prostitute, but the thought of two of his friends having sex made him blush like a virgin? And, really, Trowa and Quatre _were_ hormonal teenagers. He couldn’t blame them for sneaking away for some ‘privacy’. How many times had they done something like this, and this was just the first time he had realized it?  
    “Just another hour, and we’ll have the whole house to ourselves,” Trowa said with a wide smirk, “Any plans?”  
    “Actually, about that,” Duo said, “Mr. Khushrenada wanted to see me after school.”  
    “About your grades?” Quatre asked hopefully.  
    Duo nodded.  
    “Mrs. Khushrenada said that he resolved everything,” he couldn’t stop the happiness from seeping into his words.  
    “Oh, Duo, that’s great news!” Quatre beamed at him, then his smile vanished as he thought of something, glancing worryingly at his lover, “Oh, but that means…”  
    Trowa shook his head.  
    “It’s fine,” he said.  
    “What’s wrong?” Wufei pried.  
    “Well, Quatre and I had planned to go out as soon as we got out of school. We made reservations for an early dinner at this nice restaurant and we were going to go together once you were home.” Trowa admitted with a shrug, “We were just about to ask Wufei if he would like to hang out with you, since you really shouldn’t be alone. But we can always reschedule and wait for you to finish with Mr. Khushrenada.”  
    Duo’s fear almost overcame him in that moment, his fear of being away from his friends, of being alone where Wes could get him. He almost agreed with Trowa, nearly begged for them to wait for Heero and Name to come home. Then, he noticed Quatre’s crestfallen look. He realized that this wasn’t just about a night out, it was something else. Trowa and Quatre wouldn’t have decided to go out now that Wes had threatened them, and certainly not when Name and Heero were gone. They must have been planning this for a very long time, or it was something very special.  
    “What’s the occasion?” he asked softly.  
    “It’s our anniversary,” Quatre admitted, smiling sweetly at Trowa.  
    “It’s been three years since our very first date,” Trowa said with a soft expression, covertly taking Quatre’s pale hand in his, “We went out at some skeezy pizza joint, because Quatre didn’t want his father or sisters to recognize him, and it was all I could afford at the time, but it was perfect.”  
    “C-congratulations,” Duo said, his eyes wide a bit, having not realized that the two had been together for so long.  
    “It really isn’t a big deal,” Quatre insisted, “We can easily go out when Name and Heero come back home. It won’t cost anything to cancel our reservations. Besides… it isn’t like we’re married or anything.”  
    Duo heard how false that statement was. Even if Quatre and Trowa weren’t married, their relationship was very serious and important to them. And three years seemed like a big deal to him. Guilt tore at him. Because of him, Quatre and Trowa were going to have to skip out on their anniversary. Because of him, all of his friends were worried sick about him, they were doing things outside of their natures to keep him safe, to shoulder some of his stress. It wasn’t fair to any of them. It wasn’t even entirely because he was in danger. It was because he was terrified. He couldn’t leave the house without that fear looming over him, constantly wondering where Wes was, if he was watching, when the bastard was going to interfere with his life again… he was holding it back, refusing to let it overwhelm him because of the promise he had made to himself, that he wouldn’t let Wes make him cower in the dark like a little child, that he wouldn’t let him control him anymore.  
    But wasn’t he already doing that? Feeling relieved that his friends were taking him to and from school, when they should be going on with their own lives. He was living in fear again. Wes was winning. And leaning on his friends wasn’t really giving him any comfort. It just made him feel pathetic, like he had in Boston, leaning on Heero’s strength and wishing he was that strong, that Heero could depend on him, could be proud of him. What had changed since then? He had stood up to Wes for only a second, then had run away again, letting the people he loved take care of him, when it should have been the other way around. How could he ever hope to make Heero be proud of him when, the second he was gone, everyone was jumping through hoops, taking care of him like he was a little kid, or he was made of glass?  
    “No,” Duo said vehemently, with a shake of his head, “You two go to dinner. I can take care of myself.”  
    “Duo, you know we can’t do that-,” Quatre started to protest.  
    “There’s no reason why you should sacrifice your anniversary because of me!” Duo snapped at him.  
    “It isn’t like that,” Trowa said, “You’re our friend, and you need us. It’s our decision to protect you. I promised you that I would, and I promised Name. If anything were to happen to you while Quatre and I were on a date…”  
    “It won’t,” Duo interrupted.  
    “How can you say that?” Quatre asked in a harsh whisper, “After everything that… that _man_ has done! He tried to kill Wufei, tried to kidnap you… this is exactly the opportunity that he wants! You, all alone and vulnerable! Look, how long can Mr. Khushrenada possibly keep you for? Ten minutes? Twenty? And it takes a little over ten minutes, twenty with after school traffic to get back home. That’s not so bad. We can just reschedule.”  
    “That isn’t what this is about,” Duo said softly, “You shouldn’t have to. I’m sick of rearranging my life, and my friends’, because of the demons of my past,” he flashed them a fake smile, “Besides, it isn’t that big of a deal. I’ve walked from school before, it isn’t that long of a walk.”  
    “Duo, this is stupid,” Wufei finally entered the argument, “You’re putting your life on the line for your pride! Are you really willing to risk Wes getting his hands on you as you walk back to the house all by yourself? At least let me walk you!”  
    Duo thought about what _would_ happen if Wes got his hands on him, about going back to that life. The coldness, the isolation, never mind the pain and humiliation. What would happen to him if Heero and Name couldn’t find him… A shiver went down his spine. Then, he looked at Wufei, his violet eyes incredibly intense, in a way that Wufei couldn’t recall having ever seen before.   
    “I want to do this,” Duo said, his voice dwindling into a bitter murmur, “I’m sick of being terrified of him. If Wes wants me so badly, why would all of you deter him? If anything, you’re just putting yourselves in danger. And I’m not really planning on walking home all by myself. You’re right, that would be dangerous, unless the streets are crowded or there are cops around. But there’s a bus stop a block away from the school, and it goes down our street. There’s no way Wes is going to try anything on a public bus.”  
    Trowa regarded the short American with clinical, but soft green eyes. He knew, like they all did, that Duo was having trouble coping with Wes’ assault on all of them. It had been months since then, and he seemed so much better than he had been, too scared to leave the house and so paranoid, he could barely sleep. Quatre and Wufei seemed to think that Heero had helped him through it. Since Heero had taken him for that little trip they had gone on, the both of them had seemed to have reached some kind of resolution for what had gone on in Boston. They refused to talk about it, and Trowa didn’t push them, realizing that it had been a very personal thing between the two of them, but when they had gotten back, everything had seemed like it had before. No, it was as though they were even closer than before. And Duo had stopped hiding away in his room.  
    He might have convinced Quatre and Wufei that he wasn’t as scared as he had been before, but Trowa wasn’t a fool. He understood that deep rooted fear like that, born during childhood, didn’t just vanish in one day. He wasn’t blind to what that fear was doing to Duo, either. It had started in Boston and had created the rift between Duo and Heero, not the fear that Wes was going to come and take Duo away from this life, it was the fear that Duo, himself, would fall back into that old life. Trowa didn’t think that Duo was necessarily afraid of becoming a whore again. The others didn’t understand it, but he did. Sometimes, old habits, even if they were terrible habits, were hard to get rid of.   
    Trowa remembered his uncle, how much he hated him for what he had done to him. He had always thought that he would jump at the chance to get rid of him, but that he was just too weak to do anything about it, which made it all his fault. Then, his uncle had gone to jail and there had been this strange fear in him, the fear of a life without him. Not because it had been a better life, but because he had grown used to it. He had survived. But a new life, without the abuse, he had no idea if he could survive that. When he realized his own fear, he had felt pathetic. He had hated himself.  
    Trowa was sure that Duo’s biggest fear wasn’t of those old habits, though he was afraid of that, it was just being afraid. Trowa remembered taking care of Duo in that dilapidated hotel room, he remembered how concerned Duo had been for Heero instead of himself. The one driving force Duo had had ever since Trowa had met him was Heero, specifically, Heero’s opinion of him. Having Heero see him driven back to old shadows by Chris in Boston, and cowering in fear in their own home by Wes had been humiliating for Duo, something that even Trowa could understand was the driving force behind this recent idea of his.   
    Of course Duo realized how stupid this plan was, of course he was afraid. But in the face of his own feelings of inadequacy, and his fears of failing Heero, the same fear that had nearly torn him apart after Boston, did any of that really matter to him right now? Wufei was right. For Duo, this was a matter of pride, of not letting Wes control him, of proving to himself that he wasn’t as pathetic as he felt. Trowa, personally, felt torn. He loved Duo like a little brother and wanted, more than anything, to protect him from Wes, from the whole world if he had to. Hell, he had promised Duo that he would do whatever he had to to protect him.   
    But Duo was also his friend and Trowa understood that protecting him from his personal, self demons was just as important as protecting him from his real life ones. Duo didn’t need to prove to any of them that he was a survivor, that he was strong. But he did seem to need to prove it to himself. As reckless as this idea was, could he, any of them, really deny Duo a chance to boost his self-esteem, to feel good about himself for once? Trowa tried to analyze the situation logically, he told himself that Duo was right, there wasn’t a high chance that Wes could kidnap him, but the part of him that had watched Duo grow, that had held him when he cried, and felt deeply attached to the younger boy made it impossible for him to see anything clinically. No matter the amount of danger, that part of him still screamed to protect him. Dammit, but he was becoming as overprotective as Heero was. How could he possibly expect Duo to let go of that consuming fear if he couldn’t do it, either?  
    “Duo, we aren’t talking about Zechs here,” Wufei argued, “This is _Wes_. He isn’t sane. He barely qualifies as human, as far as I’m concerned! Not a single thing he has done has been predictable! His associate tracked you to Boston, Wes himself ambushed you at your job! He isn’t just planning on… on beating you up because you said no to him like Zechs and send you on your way! If he takes you, who knows where he’s going to take you, if we’ll be able to save you. He isn’t an idiot, even if you tell us where the apartment is, I hardly think he’s going to take you back there, where we might find you. We don’t even really know what he’s going to do to you! I know he said that he wants you back, but for all we know, if you don’t agree to go with him, he might _kill_ you!”   
    “Wufei’s right,” Quatre said stiffly, “This is irresponsible and reckless! You can’t possibly ask us to let you risk your life-,”  
    “Quit it, both of you,” Trowa ordered, giving his boyfriend a warning look before nodding to Duo, “This isn’t our decision, it’s Duo’s. I know that you know how dangerous this is. And I assume that you’ve thought it through?”  
    Duo nodded, slightly hesitant as he felt fear make his heart beat rapidly. He fought against the little voice in his head that echoed everything Wufei and Quatre had been saying, that this was suicidal, that it wasn’t worth it, just because he was feeling like a terrified child. Trowa put a hand on his shoulder.  
    “And are you sure you don’t want to wait until Heero and Name come back,” he asked, trying to be the voice of reason without nagging the longhaired boy to death, “If something happens, don’t you want Name to be here at least?”  
    Duo shook his head.  
    “Do you think either of them would _let_ me do this?” he shot back.  
    Trowa chuckled at that. There was no way in hell either Yuy would let Duo do anything alone until they knew he was safe. Even if it was a case of Duo’s self-esteem, they would refuse outright.   
    “Look, you guys keep telling me to hold on, that I just have to be brave and let all of you protect me until Wes and Chris are caught. But there is no reason for me to believe that they _will_ be caught,” Duo pointed out, “You don’t know Wes like I do. He’s had people after him before, people that, unlike Name, are willing to fight dirty to get at him, but he’s _never_ been caught. He doesn’t even have an arrest record! He’s smart and manipulative. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s always been five steps ahead of everyone else, he’s always find a way to get out of trouble without a scratch. What if he never is caught? Have you ever thought about that? And even if he does go to jail, he has deep connections, ones that make him staying there unlikely. Even if you’re willing to guard me for the rest of my life, I can’t accept that! At some point, I have to figure this out on my own. I can’t let this… this terror rule my life forever. I refuse to let Wes have control over me, over all of us, like this!”  
    Trowa saw Quatre go pale and Wufei look frustrated at a glance from the possibility, one that they had obviously never considered, that Wes might never be caught. That Duo would never get justice. That he would never be safe. That he would have to live his entire life always looking over his shoulder. Quatre and Wufei were both strict optimists. Quatre always believed the best in people, that sooner or later, things would turn out ok, and Wufei put a bit too much faith in justice, that bad people got punished and good people got rewarded. This wasn’t something that Trowa, or even Heero, hadn’t considered, but it also wasn’t something that they were worried about. They were well prepared to protect Duo forever, if they had to. But Duo was right. Sometimes, it was the principle of the thing.   
    “Ok, then,” Trowa said with a nod, “Quatre and I will go on our date, Wufei go home, and you will take the bus. Got your cell phone?”  
    “Of course,” Duo said.  
    Trowa gestured to Duo’s gym pants.  
    “Let’s see it,” he demanded.  
    Duo sighed heavily and took his cell phone out of his pocket, showing it to Trowa with an overly dramatic flair. They weren’t supposed to have cell phones on them during gym, but his paranoia about Wes hadn’t ebbed very much. There were some risks he was willing to take and some he wasn’t. He was stupid enough to go home alone, but not quite stupid enough to go _anywhere_ without the cell phone that had saved his and Heero’s lives. It wasn’t something he was ever going to admit to anyone, even under threat of torture, but after Wes had attacked him at work, he had started sleeping with both his cell phone and the tazer under his pillow. He didn’t think that Wes was going to break into the house or anything, it was just that having either item more than an arm’s length away from him nowadays gave him an anxiety-causing stomachache.   
    “And the tazer?” Trowa nagged.  
    Duo gave him an annoyed little glare, but took the tazer out of the other pocket.  
    “Happy?” he asked dryly.  
    “Very,” Trowa smirked.  
    The four of them stopped talking as Ms. Schbeiker finally came into the gymnasium pushing the cart of balls, which their classmates swarmed over, fighting over who would get claim on the basketball court and whining that the dodge balls were too flat to get any proper bounce out of them. The four of them followed another group of kids outside and found a spot on the grass to lay down. None of them were really in the mood for sports or running around. It was nice, after the day Duo had just had, to lie down with his friends, not talking, but just enjoying each other’s company. It was too hot or humid out, and there was a nice breeze. He didn’t know where Zechs was and, at the moment, he didn’t particularly care.   
    The warm grass felt good on his bare arms and Duo kept his braid curled up on his chest, so no stray ants decide to crawl on it. He didn’t hate them like he hated spiders, but finding the little buggers in your long hair was just annoying. The sky above them was a light, powdered blue. There were a ton of clouds, but they were all white and fluffy, unthreatening. Duo listened as Quatre and Trowa tried to decide what each cloud looked like, a game that Wufei didn’t really see the point in, but found amusing anyway. Duo remembered playing that game with Sunshine. The memory brought about a great pain in his chest, the same pain he always felt when he remembered the little boy. It had been the first game he had ever played as a child.   
    He hated remembering that time of his life. It made the happiness he felt now hurt somehow, the contrast both terrible and wonderful. It was like taking a cold bath when you had a bad fever. The cold felt good, but it made your skin hurt. Sometimes he wondered if he had lived with pain too long, and that happiness was just too alien of a concept to him for him to accept it with anything but pain. Then again, the pain felt good, especially when he looked back on his memories. He recalled a time, back when he had first met Solo, when he had wanted to play that stupid cloud game with him. Only, he had been older then and a game like that had seemed pointless. Besides, every time he had found the time to see Solo, the sun had set and you couldn’t see the clouds anymore.  
    As Quatre argued with his boyfriend about how the oval shaped cloud was clearly more like a bunny than a donkey, Duo could hear the strain in his tone. Even now, the little blonde was probably thinking of all the things that could wrong this evening with Duo on his own and Duo did feel guilty about that, but he refused to change his mind. He had to do this. It had to be today, too. He knew that he couldn’t hope to do anything reckless when Heero and Name came back. Maybe he had only thought to do this because of Trowa and Quatre’s anniversary, but he was glad he had thought of it.   
    Was he terrified of going home on his own? Of course he was. The mere thought of it made his heart tremble and his stomach churn, the fear creeping up his spine, the same fear he had felt that night, realizing that the person who had dragged him through the woods was Wes, and not some random stalker, or even Chris. But he had a greater fear, not of some man that had control over his life, but of himself. Of not being good enough for Heero, of letting Name down. Of looking in the mirror and hating himself again, so much that it made him sick in his heart.   
    Because, in the morning when he first woke up, he would stare up at the ceiling sometimes, trying to remember where he was, whose bed he was in, because it wasn’t the ceiling in his apartment. When he had first moved in with the Yuy’s, those moments had lasted up to ten minutes. Now, he had gotten it down to ten seconds. He hoped that, in another few months, he might get that number to zero, that he might wake up and not think about where he was at all. That he might try to think about his room in the apartment and not be able to remember what color the ceiling was, or what the Chinese restaurant next door had smelled like. For now, ten seconds was an improvement.   
    And little by little, those moments when he thought of himself as a part of Heero’s family, instead of a stranger or an intruder had grown and grown and grown. But, there were still those moments in the morning where he wondered, for brief seconds, if his life with the Yuy’s was all a dream, and what he thought were dreams and nightmares were really the waking world. Those moments reminded him that the separation between his old life and his new one was just a thin veil, created by a single moment in time, when Heero had found him and dragged him into his car.   
    He just didn’t think about that as much anymore, and those times when he questioned reality because he thought he didn’t deserve the happiness he felt was fleeting, like déjà vu. If he had to put a logic to why he was going home alone today, it was to prove to himself that he did deserve this happiness, that he was as brave and strong as his friends were. If he could just prove that to himself, and to Heero, maybe he could continue to grow into the person that he had always wished he could see when he looked into the mirror. They didn’t talk about any of that, just looked up at the sky and talked about stupid things every once in awhile. By the time they got dressed back in their regular clothes and stood in front of the principal’s office, Quatre was practically vibrating with nervous energy.  
    “You have your tazer?” he asked, echoing Trowa’s earlier question.  
    This time, Duo didn’t groan with frustration, he just nodded patiently.   
    “Are you sure that you don’t want Wufei to go home with you and hang out?” Quatre continued nervously, “I mean, what will you do all by yourself for all those hours?”  
    “Probably watch bad horror movies, blast rock music, and eat way too much popcorn,” Duo shrugged as Trowa smirked in amusement, “Or something senseless like that.”  
    Quatre looked like he wanted to argue again, but Trowa stopped him.  
    “C’mon, Quatre, Duo’s a big boy,” he tugged on his blonde lover’s sleeve.  
    “Have a great anniversary,” Duo said even as his heart raced again, realizing that they were leaving him now, and gave the both of them hugs, “Don’t worry about me. There’s enough at home to make myself a nice dinner and I’ll call you if there’s any trouble. Just have a nice time.”  
    “You, too,” Trowa ruffled Duo’s hair a little, “We’ll see you later tonight, then. Be careful, ok? Don‘t you dare turn your phone off for any reason, even when you get home.”  
    Duo nodded. Trowa somehow managed to drag Quatre away with Wufei trailing after them. He waved to them briefly, then entered the principal’s office. As he did, for the first all day he realized that he was finally getting his grades. Between Heero being gone and Zechs acting weird, he hadn’t given it as much thought as he had before. Now, compared to what he was about to do, it didn’t seem as important as it had. He knew that he wasn’t flunking out and he knew he had done well, he trusted Mr. and Mrs. Khushrenada that much at least, and he still did care about knowing what had happened and his exact grades, but his fear of walking outside the doors of the school without his friends flanking him on all sides had dulled his anxiety about grades.  
    The almost ginger haired principal was waiting for him in his office and greeted him with a bright smile. He eagerly handed the envelope holding Duo’s report card to him. Duo just clutched it for a moment, partially dreading and partially anticipating what it would say.  
    “I just want to apologize again for all this, Duo,” Treize apologized.  
    Duo shook his head.  
    “I know it wasn’t your fault. But, what happened exactly?” he asked as he finally opened the envelope.  
    He stared at the contents for a second, his heart beating a little bit faster. He scanned up and down the class listings a few times, just to verify that he wasn’t having double vision. All A’s… true, a few of them were A-’s, like History and Algebra, but he had been expecting them, as they were his worst subjects. He didn’t care at all about the minuses, it seemed kind of petty to think that an A minus was a bad thing at all. Name was going to be so happy… his heart warmed. He was back on the honor roll. Sure, he would never get any kind of award or recognition for it, because of last semester, but it was still a lovely thought. He suddenly felt like flipping Wes his middle finger, if only in his mind. See, he wanted to scream, I’m not so useless after all! I’m not trash!  
    “The final grade Mr. Williams submitted for you didn’t match with your test results,” Treize informed him, “He tried to give you a C minus, enough to knock you off the honor roll, but not enough to raise much suspicion, if you were any other student. However, I know how hard you have been working to bring your grades up, and how Mr. Williams… feels about you.”  
    Duo shook his head in astonishment. He couldn’t believe this. His friends had been right. He had known they had been right, because it was the only possibility that had made sense. But still, he had fought against it because he hadn’t wanted to believe that one of his teachers could be that petty. He was well aware that Williams had some kind of… personal affront against him for reasons that Duo was incapable of understanding. He was incapable of understanding what made people like that, why there were men in the world who were so ignorant, so cold and so… _tiny_ when there were also people like Heero who were capable of so much more, of being so kind.   
    Didn’t Williams realize that he was going to be caught? Between Name and his friends, let alone Treize, someone would have figured out what had happened, even if Duo had enough doubt in him not to question his own grades. And for what? Just to get one on him? Because, really, a C minus wasn’t awful. He wouldn’t have been on the honor roll, but he wouldn’t have dropped out of school because of it. What did giving him a bad grade accomplish at all? Did it make the man feel good about himself, changing any student’s grade who he didn’t like? It was just like Wes and Chris, killing and hurting anyone that pissed them off. People who got off on power, but never did anything truly important with it, unlike people like Name.  
    “So…” Duo murmured, “What’s going to happen to him?”  
    “I fired him this morning,” Treize said with a self-satisfied smirk.  
    Here was a man that loved power, too, Duo thought even as his violet eyes widened in shock. He didn’t like having the power to control or hurt people like Wes did, or help people like Name, he liked having this power to bring about justice. In a way, the principal was a lot like Wufei. He wasn’t swayed by money, reputations, or even biases, but by his own ideas of right and wrong. It was because of that morality that he had tried so hard to get Duo back into school, not because it had benefited him in any way, but because he knew that that was what was right. Being able to manipulate things around him so justice was served gave Treize the same thrill that it gave Williams to screw with him.   
    “After I heard what he had said about you, I warned him that I wouldn’t tolerate any stupidity from him, that if he made any trouble for you, I would get rid of him,” Treize reminded him, “I should have done it the second he raised his voice to you. For that, I’m sorry. But this… changing any student’s grades for any reason, let alone to suit his own pettiness, he stepped way over the line, especially for a teacher. This school might not be some private, ivy league institution, but I expect the teachers in this school to treat their students like it is one.”  
    Duo folded up his report card and gently stuck it back in its envelope. He felt speechless for a second. He hadn’t met very many people in his life, especially adults and people with some sort of authority, that had kept promises they had made to him, or about him. Any promise that hadn’t originally been delivered as a threat, anyway. Treize, like his wife, had always been supportive of him.     The principal at the middle school had also given him a warning about absences, but Duo had been able to tell that the man had just been doing it because it was his job to, and the entire time, it had been like the man had been annoyed with him wasting his time. With Treize, it had always been different. When Treize talked to him about his absences, or a declining grade, it had been with concern, not scorn. Treize had always seemed to believe that he could do better, be better. Before meeting Heero, Duo had only ever felt guilty about lying about his home life to Une and Treize, because they had been the first adults outside of Helen that had cared about him at all. It made him wonder how things might have turned out if it had been Treize that Duo had confided in and not Name.       
    Thinking about his guilt about not telling Treize about what was going on back then, Duo felt a completely different guilt, this time towards Williams. The man had obviously been a teacher for a long time here and because of Duo, he had lost his job during a period when the unemployment rate was bigger, and longer, than it had ever been since the Great Depression…   
  
  
_“You’re partially to blame, surely you know that? … No one would ignore a little kid screaming for help, but I bet you never did… Are you just crying rape now because you played hooky too much?”_  
  
      
    Duo forcefully shoved that feeling of guilt away from him as anger replaced it. He _hated_ this part of himself, feeling guilty about things that he had no control over. Just like in Boston. It had taken him months to finally accept Heero’s version of things, to understand that he had been right. At the time, there had been nothing he could have done, chained down and drugged. And here he was doing it again, blaming himself for some stupid reason, a nasty bi-product of his turbulent childhood, blaming himself for being abandoned, for being hungry and cold, for being raped…   
    Why should he feel guilty about Williams losing his job anyway? The man had been nothing but cruel to him since the first time they had met! Cruel and ignorant, nothing more than a pompous jackass. He hadn’t asked him to change his grades, or to be an ass to him. He had worked hard for that grade, and as far as Duo was concerned, Williams had done this to himself, being incapable of letting go of some stupid grudge.   
    “I don’t blame you,” Duo assured him, “I know you were hoping that he would knock it off if you threatened him, but some people can’t look beyond their prejudices. Thank you for trying to fix things, and for everything you’ve done for me this year.”  
    Duo reached out his hand for Treize to shake, shocked for a minute by just how much bigger the man’s hand was compared to his, but his grip was gentle and warm.       
    “I’m just doing my job, Duo,” Treize said, “There really isn’t much of a point to me if I can’t help one student. Have a good summer, ok? You and Yuy.”  
    Duo nodded, smiling brightly. As soon as Heero came back home, where he belonged, he intended to.  
  
  
  
  
End Part 5  
  
  
      
  
  
  
           
      
      
      
      
      
  
  
      
      
    


	52. The Second Son Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disaster strikes when Duo makes a foolish decision

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 6  
  
  
  
  
  
    Duo stood in front of the doors that led outside, all by himself in the hallway. His book bag was slung over his shoulder, the carefully counted bus fare in the same pocket that his cell phone was in, and his heart was beating wildly. This was stupid, he told himself, being afraid to take that first step out of the school all by himself. But the fear, though not necessarily logical, was a physical, living thing in his chest, making it nearly impossible to step over the threshold. That fear kept chanting at him ‘stupid, stupid, stupid’. Why had he decided to do this? Wes could be out there right now, waiting to take him away… he stuck a hand in his jeans pocket and curled his fingers around his cell phone tightly. If that happened, he still had the GPS, Name would find him. But still, that fear was there… that terror of seeing those cold, grey eyes again, with that tiny part of him that yearned to see them, that sick part of him that he was quite happy to deny existed.  
    Duo closed his eyes and imagined Heero’s face. It was a welcome image, a balm to his heart that was missing him so much. He imagined those deep blue eyes and that comforting smile, the one that always told him that everything would be ok, that he was strong, that Heero believed in him and most of that fear melted away, went back into hiding , cowering from the warmth that the vision had brought with it. Duo opened his eyes again and pushed open the door. No matter what, Heero had faith in him. It was up to himself, and only himself, to prove to Heero that that faith was justified.  
    No one grabbed him as he took that first step outside of the school. In fact, nothing significant happened at all. Wes wasn’t waiting for him. He couldn’t see the black car that the blonde owned, or even Chris’ car. The sky was clear, not stormy or foreboding, just a nice powdered blue and a few clouds. He could hear sparrows chirping in the bushes surrounding the parking lot that nested there and when he walked by them, they flew off like a pack of dogs. Watching the tiny birds scatter as one, immense entity, it reminded Duo of the gulls he had chased on the beach with Heero. There were still a few kids and teachers loitering by their cars, which made him breathe in relief. There was no way Wes would try something with this many people around. If he just kept close to people, stayed in the crowds, he would be perfectly safe.  
    He followed a group of teenagers that was walking to the public bus stop, too. For a moment, he was afraid they would recognize him and whisper, thinking he couldn’t hear them, but they were too busy chatting with each other or on their cell phones to even notice that he had joined their group, which suited him just fine. There were six of them, all, he heard them say, catching the bus to go to the mall, which was in the opposite direction of Duo’s home. His street was one of the first stops on the bus’ route, Quatre had checked during gym using Duo’s phone. It made him feel relieved that people his own age, some of whom he recognized as being in a few of his classes, and therefore not complete strangers, would be on the bus the entire time. He definitely didn’t think that Wes or someone he knew from that old life would be on the bus at the same time as him and would try something, but it was comforting to know that he wouldn’t be all alone with strange people.  
    There weren’t many people at the bus stop, just a man in a business suit, a woman with two small children, and an elderly woman sitting on one of the benches. It was warm out, but Duo remembered curling up under similar benches during the winter when he was a child. All bus stops were built with overhangs, making them adequate, if somewhat pitiful, shelter from snow and rain. Both of the benches were currently filled with people, but Duo was content to stand to the side of the covering, basking in the bright sunlight as he checked his cell phone for any messages from Heero or Name. The warm sunlight hit his hand, making his skin look paler than usual. He wondered if he might get a tan this summer and stop looking like a corpse. Probably not. His skin usually just burned when he was out in the sun for too long.  
    It was after ten minutes had passed with all of them loitering at the stop, the other teenagers still chatting with each other and on their phones as the adults read newspapers, books, or just stared off into space, that Duo started to worry. After twenty minutes of waiting, he finally glanced at the bus schedule that was hanging off a pole next to the bus stop. Sure enough, the bus was late. Really late. He sighed heavily as he resumed playing solitaire on his phone. It was going to be one of those days, he could feel it in his bones. Heero was gone, Zechs was acting weird, and now, if Quatre and Trowa decided to call him at home, they would think the worst. Hopefully they would have the common sense to call his cell phone before they completely freaked out.   
    Soon, the other would-be passengers started to grumble and complain about the bus taking so long. The woman with the kids had to get them to various sports events, the teenagers wanted to shop and go to the movies, the man had a meeting to be at… Duo easily tuned them out until the grumblings turned into very real concern another ten minutes later. One of Duo’s classmates who had been talking on her cell phone with her mother the entire time put the phone down and stood up to address them all.  
    “There’s been an accident,” she announced, “A garbage truck hit the bus and totaled it. My mom just saw it on the news.”  
    A panicked murmur fell on the tiny crowd.  
    “Well, are they going to send another bus?” the woman with the kids asked urgently.  
    The girl shook her head.  
    “My mom says it sounds like there’s a huge delay. There might not be another bus for hours,” she said.  
    Everyone seemed to groan as one.  
    “This is just great!” the man in the business suit ranted, “And they couldn’t have sent a notice to people waiting for the damn bus?! This goddamned town…”  
    Duo shook his head to himself. It really _was_ one of those days. If there was a god, He clearly hated him, or had a really bad sense of humor. He never should have talked himself into doing this. Now, he had no way of getting home safely. It would take longer to walk to the nearest bus stop than to just walk home, not to mention walk through some areas of town he really shouldn’t go, not alone anyway. One by one, people started to get up and wander off, probably in search of other bus stops and calling for taxis, a luxury that Duo didn’t have. He didn’t have enough money on him to afford one and even if he did, his frugal nature refused to pay that much when his house was in walking distance.  
    He took a deep breath, suddenly finding himself alone at the bus stop. This wasn’t a big deal, he told his frantically beating heart as he glanced around each way, keeping an eye out for any moving figures. In reality, there were only two things that he could do. He could call Wufei and ask his parents to pick him up, or he could keep going with his original plan to go home on his own, just on foot instead of the safety of a bus. He ran a hand through his bangs, a gesture that Heero often did when he was frustrated, only Duo’s hair was much finer than Heero’s thick, dark hair and it made his bangs fall into his eyes. He brushed it back in irritation. If Heero were here right now, he wouldn’t be standing in the middle of an abandoned bus stop, debating the safest choice, scared just because he wasn’t in a crowd anymore. He would act. He would walk home, not because it was the safest, but because it was the easiest choice.   
    But, he wasn’t like Heero. He wasn’t brave like him. He had lived a life of fear, fear of the dark, fear of the light, and now, fear of his past. He was tired of being afraid. He wanted to be like Heero, he wanted to be able to walk down a deserted street on a whim without looking over his shoulder, without wondering where Wes was, if he was watching him, if he was going to make a move. And why couldn’t he? Even if he was afraid of what might happen, why couldn’t he take this first step towards being like his best friend?   
    He knew the way home from here. It was, what, twenty-five minutes, a half an hour’s walk? It was three in the afternoon, the sun wasn’t even setting yet and there were people walking the street all around him, doing chores, shopping, and just walking because it was nice out. If he stayed on streets with people, he would be just as safe as on a bus, right? Duo curled his hands into fists, uneasily coming to his decision. He shouldered his book bag and started to walk down the street.  
    Even if Wes was stupid enough to try something, there would be other people around to try to stop him, or call the cops. Never mind his confidence or how he thought about his new life, this was probably the biggest thing that had changed about him. In the past, he would have easily thought that, even in a crowded street, he would be in danger. Not because Wes was insane, but because no one would help him. How many times had he screamed for help, had he begged for a handout, thin and hungry and cold, only to be treated like a rat, like a diseased thing that no one wanted to look at? If anyone saw Wes try to kidnap him, just like before, back when Wes had found him at the abandoned hotel’s balcony, no one would try to help, no one would even care. Somewhere along the line, he had stopped believing that. Duo smiled to himself. Name and Heero had taught him that there _were_ people out there that wanted to help, that would help. He just wished that he had met some of those people when he had been growing up. But was that even true?   
    Yes, there had been a lot of people in his life that had been quite content to pretend that he was invisible. There had been a lot of people that had hurt him. A lot of people who had let him down or abandoned him, a very long list starting with his parents. But it wasn’t fair, or true, to say that no one had ever helped him, had ever been kind to him until he had met Heero. It was just that the list was much, much shorter.   
    There had been Sunshine, his very first friend, who had helped him in small ways, but Duo was well aware that small didn’t mean unimportant. And there had been all of the rest, Alex, Aluxiel, Hi, Solo, Shi, Amaaya and Yuki. They had always been there for him, when he had needed to seek them out, without ever asking anything in return from him. Sometimes, they had helped him in huge ways, ways that he could never hope to repay.  
    Shi had saved his life, twice. Solo had bandaged his wounds on several occasions. Sometimes, they had helped in smaller ways, listening to anything he had to tell them, stories of Wes’ cruelty, sheltering him from the cold, taking just that little bit of pain and hopelessness from his shoulders. It had been the same way with Sister Helen, just some hot food and a few fairy tales, nothing earth shattering, but it had been so important to him at the time. Then, she had died. Yuki and Sunshine had died. Maybe one day, he could come to terms with everything Wes had done to him, in some form or another, even if it was just enough to get by, but that was one thing he would never come to terms with for as long as he lived. The people he loved, the people he owed so much to dying, far, far before their time. Sunshine for daring to protect him. Sister Helen for trying to save him. Yuki, just because life was cruel and cold sometimes. The people he loved kept leaving him…  
    Duo stopped walking, forcing other people on the street behind him to walk around him. Cold sadness gripped his heart at his bleak thoughts. They kept leaving… even Amaaya, Alex, Aluxiel, and Hi. He could talk to Amaaya whenever he liked, but would they ever actually see each other again? He was even too much of a coward to see Shi and Solo. But, just like his past assumptions about people, that wasn’t entirely true was it? Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei hadn’t left him, and though Heero and Name weren’t here right now, they were coming back. He still had people who helped him, who still cared for him. So how could he possibly still believe that the world and the strangers around him were all as cold and cruel as he had believed before? If Heero and Name existed, then there had to be others out there like them. Maybe the enormity of Wes’ apathy and cruelty had blinded him to how kind and wonderful other people _could_ be.   
    He huffed a frustrated breath at himself and resumed walking. Everything would be fine again, as soon as Heero came back home. He believed that more than anything else. He held on to that as he walked through street by street, following his own mental map of the way back to his house. He stayed lucky for awhile, at least ten minutes worth. Every street he walked down had people in it, women shopping, teenagers who could walk home instead of taking a bus like him, couples eating lunch out in restaurants’ outdoor tables, and he had even spotted a parked cop car once. Although, that hadn’t made him feel much better.   
    It was just like he had told his friends, Wes had all sorts of connections, and Duo knew that he was only aware of the few of them. He had serviced enough cops as ‘favors’ for Wes to know that the police were far from reliable saviors if he ever needed them. That was why he had never questioned Name’s decision not to go to them, to tell them about Wes, they both knew how useless, and possibly dangerous, it could be. He had been wondering about that lately, too, and every time he thought about Wes’ connection with the town’s police force, it made the panic in him rise even more. If Wes wanted him back so badly, why didn’t he just have the cops spirit him away or something? It wouldn’t be that hard, especially with Name gone. They could arrest him on some bogus charge, or, with his past, something completely legitimate like theft, assault, or prostitution. They could even arrest him for fraud, honestly, since he had been giving a false name and address for years. All they had to do was pull him out of class and take him to Wes and there wouldn’t be very much his friends could do about it.   
    So why hadn’t something like that happened? Why was the most Wes had done was send Chris and himself after him? If he had all these powerful connections, why wasn’t he using them to get what he wanted? He wanted to believe that it was because Wes was too scared of Name to fake an arrest, but he obviously wasn’t scared enough of her to stop trying to kidnap him himself. Duo no longer thought that Wes was afraid of anyone, even Name. But even if he wasn’t afraid of anyone, Wes had never trusted anyone, either. Maybe he didn’t want anyone, even his partners, to have that kind of power and leverage over him. Or maybe, and much more likely, Duo thought, Wes was simply so insane, had lost so much stock in reality, that this possibility hadn’t even occurred to him.   
    Duo thought that he would rather be taken in by one of Wes’ cops than Wes or Chris. There was a chance he could reason with them, especially if he threw the Yuy name around, either for fear or a pay off. Although, given Wes’ habit of killing everyone who double-crossed him, maybe not. Still, as far as Duo knew, Wes’ ‘associates’ weren’t nuts, mostly just desperate or… well, dicks, but perfectly capable of reason and negotiation. There was no reasoning with Wes or Chris. Wes was insane, somewhere between cold sociopathy and being completely controlled by his rage and vindictiveness. Trying to reason with him was like trying to reason with a rabid dog. Just the sound of your voice could make him bite, for no other apparent reason. Chris, on the other hand, was like the scorpion from that old fable where it stung the very animal that was trying to help it across the river, after promising that it wouldn’t, thus killing the both of them, only because it was in its nature. Chris would listen to your reasoning, he might even agree with it, but in the end, he would still hurt you, just because it was his way, because he liked it, even if it got him killed. Between Chris’ sadism and his severe loyalty to Wes, he was just as dangerous.   
    From this point, there were two ways he could go to get home. He could keep going straight, take a left, cut through a restaurant, go behind the movie theater, and attempt to cross four lanes of traffic, or he could go through a long alley coming up on his left, which connected to a very long back street that passed by his street and would take him home in half the time as the other direction. He had promised Trowa that he wouldn’t take any back streets, but then again, he had also promised Name he wouldn’t go anywhere without his friends. There went that vow. He didn’t necessarily want to go through some dark alley, all by himself, but right now, all he wanted was to be home. The other way wasn’t necessarily safe, either. The area behind the movie theater was just as bad and while being hit by a car wasn’t high on his list of worries, it was definitely a high risk crossing that one area of the street.  
    Duo stopped in front of the alley. Even though it was bright out, he could still only see impressions of things, some trash cans and a graffiti covered brick wall. He could also see the light and smoke from a few cigarettes and here a few male voice talking loudly somewhere ahead of him. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. He had been thinking that the more people around him, the safer he would be, but if they were the wrong sort of people it would be just as bad. He chewed on his lip for a second. At this point, the only thing he cared about was how fast he could get home. How could he really judge what was safe and what wasn’t anymore anyway? He and his friends had taken the alleyway home before, more than once, and he had never really been scared of it before now.   
    He slipped one hand into his pocket, curling his fingers around the tazer and trudged forward. He walked into the alley enough to see the people that were loitering there. They were a group of three boys, around Trowa’s age, maybe a little bit older, leaning against the wall of the alley and chatting loudly. Two of them were smoking from cheap cigarettes and Duo wrinkled his nose at the smell. He couldn’t tell if they were in a gang, or just a bunch of teenagers with nothing better to do, but for a brief moment, they reminded him of his early childhood on the streets, being terrified of boys just like them. He hadn’t had that fear when he had lived with Wes. Everyone who knew his name had been scared of him, especially street gangs that had any drug or prostitute connections. They all knew that you didn’t fuck with Wes, he fucked with you and if you crossed his path and survived it, that was all the reward you should expect. He hadn’t needed to be scared of street gangs back then, all his fear had been directed at the man that he had lived with.   
    His eyes strayed to their arms, even though he knew that they couldn’t possibly have strips of white tied there, just out of habit. Now _there_ was something from his past that he hadn’t thought about in quite some time. It was strange how such a little thing like living in a proper house on a street with mowed grass, where cops would actually come minutes after you called them made things like street gangs seem so far away. He wondered if that was how the rest of the world worked, when you were born into a family that loved you, when you had a real home, a real job. Did you get a sense of security, this illusion that your four walls and nice neighbors made the nastiness of the world like an alternate reality? That your orderly little life kept you separate from all that? It must be nice. And every now and then, he fell to those illusions. He let that nice, big, white house be like a tortoise shell. But he never really forgot that he was about an hour walk from Wes’ apartment, that that world was still out there and so close by.  
    As Duo walked by the boys, he kept his head down, his long bangs hiding his face, and hunched his shoulders until he was nearly slouching, trying to look as non-descript as possible. His hand clenched around his tazer tightly. He realized, all of a sudden, that he had never actually used the thing before. Sure, Name had taught him how to turn it on and off, but he had never shocked anyone with it, he had dropped it when Wes had attacked him at his job. He wondered if he _could_ shock someone, if it would be as difficult as hitting someone or holding a gun. Two things that he couldn’t do. Just hitting Wes with that damned tree branch to save Wufei’s life had left him feeling weak and shaky. Could he… electrocute someone if he needed to? He knew that you couldn’t actually kill someone with one of those things unless they had a heart condition, but that was just a small part of it.   
    He didn’t think he could cause someone pain, even if it was to protect himself. He had lived with pain for most of his life, he knew how devastating it was, how it felt. Getting shocked was nothing like getting slapped or punched or kicked. It felt sharp, ran through your entire body no matter where you were shocked. It overwhelmed you. It didn’t matter how big you were, it affected you just as much. He remembered the ache in his muscles after being shocked by Wes’ baton, how hard it was to move. In some ways, his tazer was more dangerous than having a gun. Knowing how it would feel, could he use it on someone? Duo heard the boys stop talking as he walked past them and hunched in further, trying to seem like he didn’t even notice him. It didn’t work.  
    “Hey, sweetheart, where you goin’?” one of the boys called out.  
    Duo blushed hotly and he felt a chill go down his spine, along with quite a lot of embarrassment. Dammit, they thought he was a girl! That was even worse than them trying to mess with him out of boredom. The last thing he needed was a bunch of dumbass boys who had nothing better to do than hit and harass on anyone they thought was a cute, defenseless girl. And why shouldn’t they assume that he was a girl? With his head bowed, his bangs in his face, and his body hunched, all they could really see was his back which had his long braid trailing down. What he should have done, instead of hiding his face, was tucking his hair down his shirt. Sometimes, his long hair made him feel self-conscious, but more often than not, he forgot it was even there unless he was combing or washing it. He had had long hair for most of his life, it was just a part of his body, like his legs and hands. So when he was in a situation like this when he was reminded that his hair was unusual, it startled him, when someone pulled his hair or mistook him for a girl.   
    But he knew that if he ever cut his braid off, it would drive him mad. He would reach behind him constantly, trying to grab it, or feel the tip of it brushing against his backside, only to find emptiness would feel so wrong to him. Old things, things that were a part of you, even if you saw them as flaws, were like that, he thought. It was just like his past with Wes. As terrible as it had been, it’s absence had left a hole in him. He had felt wrong. That didn’t mean that it’s absence was bad. Maybe it was always feel wrong, but he bet that if he chopped his hair off, his head would feel a lot lighter. And no one would mistake him for a girl anymore. But he would still miss it. Maybe he would get used to having short hair after awhile.   
    Little by little, he was getting used to not having Wes in his life, or he had been, until he had shown up again. At the very least, he hadn’t been dreaming about him as much. Now, it was all he could think about when he closed his eyes, that past which was trying to catch up with him. If he thought about it hard enough, his life was completely reversed from where he had been when Heero had first moved here. Back then, his life with Wes had dominated everything. Everything he did, all his lies and actions, had been because of that life. But all that while, there had been his friendship with Heero. Going to his house, playing video games with him, lying to Wes about what he was doing while he had been lying to Heero about his ‘family’. So many lies. He had yearned for that friendship with Heero, a normal life, so much, but Wes and whoring had been his reality. Now, it was that old life that seemed distant. Going to school, hanging out with Heero, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei, helping Name with the chores, going to work, these things made up his new life. Little, ordinary, boring, wonderful things. It was like suddenly finding yourself on the other side of the mirror.  
    It happened more often than he liked, people mistaking him for a girl. He had gained some weight since Name had took him in, and if he was being optimistic, had grown an inch or two, so he quite so thin and light as he had been, plus most of his classmates knew him, so that didn’t happen as often as he had. In the past, it had mostly been stranger or new, potential customers that had mistaken him for a girl. Sometimes, when those men had found out he was really a boy, they had been disgusted and had left him alone. But sometimes, they hadn’t cared at all. That was what he was worried about, that these boys might try something, only to not care when they figured out he wasn’t a girl, or worse, got pissed about their mistake. He never really understood that, that guys got offended just for making a dumb mistake like that, just like he didn’t understand why guys like that got offended by the mere presence of homosexuals.  
    The thing was, he wasn’t really all that feminine. Sure, he had long ago accepted that he would never have Heero or Trowa’s wide shoulders and above average height, or Wufei’s dominating personality and exercised body, but he couldn’t put on a skirt, go out in broad daylight and expect everyone to think he was a chick. His hips were thin, not curvy, his chest was flat, not ‘small’, and as thin as his neck was, he still had an adam’s apple, he just happened to have facial features that weren’t overly masculine, long hair, and didn’t have much in the way of body hair. So, it frustrated him when people saw his braid and thought ‘girl’. At least he wasn’t as feminine as Alex, Aluxiel, and Yuki who actually _could_ put on a skirt and not have any trouble.   
     _Had_ , Duo admonished himself, Yuki _had_ been able to do that. Of the three of them, he had always felt sorrier for Yuki. Alex and Aluxiel _liked_ to cross-dress, especially Alex. They had all had their ‘thing’ as whores. Of the seven of them, Hi had been the most vanilla, mostly because of his age, sex, size, and the fact that he had only become a prostitute in the first place to give his kids a better life, better things, a better education. He had been the only one of all of them that had had a job besides prostitution, not just one, but two. Sure, he had only been a cook at some sleazy, cheap restaurant and a janitor at a local office building, which had barely given him enough money to keep his two bedroom apartment, let alone take proper care of his twins, but knowing a whore who actually had a _job_ had always been something magical.  
    Hi was nearly the same height and build as Wes, a tiny bit thinner, maybe an inch shorter, so he hadn’t been picked up by the same men that had bought for the rest of their time, especially Yuki, the twins, and himself. Shi, with his height, aggressive personality, and toned body had had the same problem. Even though Shi was younger than Hi, he didn’t look like it and a lot of guys didn’t want to be with a man that could easily overpower them if they pissed him off. Of course, there had also been customers that had gotten a thrill off of dominating him. Hi, for some reason, hadn’t gotten many customers like that. Maybe that was because Hi and Shi had always stood on the corner together and Shi had a more forceful presence, or perhaps the two men had made a deal with each other because Shi didn’t seem to have a problem with those kind of men, while they made Hi uncomfortable.  
    Money had always been too tight among them for their individual sexuality to have any importance with their job. In a way, Duo, Solo, and Shi had been lucky. He and Solo were gay, so having male customers wasn’t a big problem. Yeah, being paid for sex at all wasn’t exactly ideal, but it was better for them than for Hi, who was straight, and while he did have male customers, it was hard for him sometimes to do his job. Duo hadn’t understood this concept until he had been old enough to define himself as gay in the first place, but Solo had had a boyfriend before become a whore and Shi was bisexual. The tall blonde didn’t seem to care much about who his customers were, male or female, as long as they paid him and didn’t try anything they weren’t allowed to. It had always mystified Duo when Hi and Shi had gone away with women customers, Wes having taught him that only men bought whores. But the two men had shown him that sex for money applied to everyone.  
    Amaaya and the twins hadn’t been as lucky. Duo knew that Amaaya was a lesbian, Shi had told him that once offhandedly, and she had always spent more time with her sparse female customers and when she came back from one of those sessions, she didn’t seem as on edge as with the men. And as far as Alex and Aluxiel were concerned, they had only ever had eyes for each other, so they hated having to have sex with other people. It got even worse when a customer forced one to watch the other have sex, especially if it was Alex having sex and Aluxiel watching. The red and green haired twin was incredibly possessive of his slightly older brother. But, typically, when their customers learned that the identical twins were hot for each other, they just wanted to see them screw each other.  
    Yuki… Yuki had had it the hardest, Duo thought. He didn’t even know what sexuality Yuki had been, if he had had one, and that lack of knowledge sent a metal stake through his heart. There was just so much that he didn’t know about the Japanese boy, so much he would never know. Yuki had always been so quiet, so hesitant to talk about himself. But with his white skin, dark brown slanted eyes, thin, small body, and ebony, perfectly straight hair, Yuki had been gorgeous, like a Geisha from a Japanese painting and had been very popular with the same men that liked Duo and the twins. They had loved to dress him up as a girl, or in traditional Japanese clothing. Although Yuki never really talked about his experiences with these men, they all could tell that this tendency to treat the black-haired boy like a porcelain doll had pained him greatly. If there had been any of them that had been ill-suited to that life, it had been Yuki.  
    Duo felt like he was still lost deep in the grief of the one thing that haunted him more than what Wes had done to him, the one thing he couldn’t stop thinking about, even as he tried to bury it deep because he knew that he couldn’t deal with it. Maybe, one day, he might put the abuse behind him, but he didn’t think that he would ever stop thinking about that night, stop wondering what might have happened if he had been there. What if he hadn’t run away from Wes because of that stupid wish to see Heero again, even knowing that he was too much of a coward to try to talk to him? What if he had been there that night when Yuki had been murdered?  
    He knew, very much, how useless it was to think on such things. He didn’t even know exactly what had happened, only what Solo and Shi had told him, only that Yuki had been killed, and his hair cut as some kind of gruesome trophy. Had it been one of his customers, or just some guy that had been enamored with him? Or maybe Yuki had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. He had to have been close by to their corner, if Solo and the others had found him. If Duo had been there that night, when all the others had been with their respective johns, would he have heard his friend scream, could he have gotten there on time? Or, more likely, would he have been killed, too?   
    Duo remembered with a heavy heart what he had been like back then. All that darkness and hopelessness like a weight, holding him down, covering him in a fog. Before he had met Heero, he never thought of his future, because he had known that he didn’t have one. Yet, when he had thought he wouldn’t ever see Heero again, his future had been all he could think of. The inevitability of it. Every day filled with strange men and Wes’ cold apathy, Chris’ brutality. For a very short while, he had had something better, had seen what his life could have been like and that had left a crack in his heart. A good crack, but one he never could have repaired, no matter how long he had lived with Wes and away from the Yuy’s. It would be there until he died.   
    So, not returning to school, never seeing Heero again, and having to deal with Wes every day, with no reprieve, it had been utterly painful thinking of a lifetime of that. Hell, one more year of that. It had been the worst kind of torture. That night, if he had come to Yuki’s rescue, only to realize how powerless he was, Duo believed he would have welcomed death. If he had been able to trade his own life for Yuki’s, he would have done it without a second’s hesitance. His useless, constantly worthless life for his kind, sweet friend’s… what sort of choice was that? Yuki had had a family once, he had had people who loved him, Duo had seen that in his eyes, every time he had gone with one of his customers. He had always seemed hesitant, in a way that none of them had been. Even if they hated what they did, none of them had been as disgusted as Yuki had been.  
    And none of them had seemed as… deeply ashamed as the Japanese boy. Duo didn’t know if Yuki’s family had been very traditional or what kind of life he had lived before he had ended up on the street, but he had clearly hated himself for the way he had lived. Duo and Solo had grown up on the street and hadn’t had much pride in themselves to begin with. They had grown up among prostitutes, men, women, and children alike. By the time he had met them, Duo had already gotten used to being a whore, as much as he ever would anyway, and Solo had accepted his lot in life with more grudging annoyance than a feeling of tragedy. Alex and Aluxiel had never seemed bothered by their profession, as though they were just happy they were together. Hi had approached prostitution like a martyr, he, unlike the rest of them, had been doing it for other people and not himself, so he hadn’t been very ashamed of it. Amaaya had always seemed more disgusted than anything else.   
    However, Duo had seen a glimmer of Yuki’s shame in Shi’s eyes every now and then, which he had always found strange when he had been younger. From the moment they had met, whether it had been the night that he had saved his worthless ass from that gang leader or the night when one of his customers had tried to kill him (now that he thought about it, Shi had this really weird habit of coming to his rescue, kind of like Heero), Shi had always seemed like this ferocious, strong guy, confident and capable of tackling anything that got in his way. But, every now and then when he went with some man, he had gotten that look on shame in his eyes, this distant look like he knew he shouldn’t be whoring, like he knew there was something better that he should be doing with his life. Like he was letting someone down. Only whores that had once had families, mothers, fathers, siblings, people who loved them and a home of their own got looks like that.   
    Duo thought that it was so much more painful being around people like Yuki and Shi, boys who had had a good life at some point, but through no fault of their own had fallen into the gutter and had resort to things that weren’t in their nature to survive, than people like him and Solo who had never known any other life. It had always made him wonder what Shi and Yuki’s lives had been to make them get that look. He called them all his friends, but, really, what did they know about each other?   
    He knew that Solo was a street kid, like him, and had been in a gang, but that the rest of the gang had died. He knew that Solo had had a boyfriend once, someone that Duo reminded him of, but that he had died, too. He knew that Shi’s family was dead and that he had been abused by his grandfather, resulting in Shi running away from home. He knew that Hi’s kids had had a proper mom once, not some girl he had just knocked up, but his wife, and that she had died. It was funny… it wasn’t poverty that had brought them all low, not really, but death. The loss of something, something changing that none of them had been able to get back. All he knew about Alex and Aluxiel was that they had decided to run away from home together, and he knew nothing about Amaaya and Yuki’s past, but he knew they had left something behind, too. And wasn’t losing the way you used to live just like dying, like losing someone?   
    After Sister Helen had died, he hadn’t moved around from street to street like he usually did, like he should have. Maybe it was because it was nice to have a good memory, to remember her warm meals and kindness, or maybe he had just lost a little bit more of his will to survive, like someone lost in the cold who had caught hypothermia. They knew they should keep moving, to try to stay warm, but it was so much easier to just stay still and let the cold take them. Or perhaps he had been in denial and some small, childish part of himself had believed that if he stayed there, she would show up, like the angels she had told him about. Whatever the case, he had stayed. He had caught Wes’ notice.   
    If he had moved after her death, after White Fang had threatened her, would Wes have found him, would he have noticed him? Or by then had it been already too late? He didn’t want to accept that something so small as leaving that alley could have saved him, because that would mean that his being raped was Helen’s fault, that her dying and having the White Fang attack him had resulted in Wes’ kidnapping him. He didn’t want to point the blame at her, a woman that had been more motherly and loving than his own absent mom. And really, what would moving have saved him from? A life as a whore? It wasn’t like his other life had been much better. Hungry, alone, always cold, always barely existing. Either way, his life had been shit until he had met Heero. That was something that was hard to account for, too, that maybe his meeting Wes and living with him had led him to this better life. He didn’t like how that thought made him feel, that he had had to go through all those years of hell for this grace period, or lived the rest of his life on the streets.   
    So, if he had been there the night Yuki had died and his murderer had offered Duo a choice, his shitty life for Yuki’s, would he have taken it? Of course, in a heart beat. Would he take it now? If he could go back in time and save Yuki, knowing that the life he had now would never exist, could he do that? … … He didn’t know. And that made him feel guilty. He should want to do anything to save his friend’s life, especially with the agony the grief still gave him, but the truth was that he no longer had any urge to die. For once in his life, he didn’t wonder if death might be a better alternative. He liked his life. Sure, it wasn’t anywhere near perfect, but it was better. _He_ was better. He didn’t want to throw that away, maybe not even for Yuki’s life and that thought made feel like crap. Wasn’t he worth it? Just because he had started his life as nothing and Yuki might have belonged to something better, did that mean his life didn’t deserve to be spared?   
    Wasn’t that what he hated people for, for so long? Because of the way they had looked right through him as a child, like he was nothing, like he wasn’t even worth the time to notice? Now, for the first time in his life, he felt like if he died, people would care. Not a large group of people, but people that actually _mattered_. Fuck the rest of the world, fuck his classmates and his teachers, fuck this whole town, Name would care. Quatre and Trowa and Wufei would care. _Heero_ would care. And that was what it all boiled down to, wasn’t it? If it meant never seeing Heero again, he didn’t think he could sacrifice himself, even for someone he cared for. He had done that, being without his best friend, and it had hurt. It had been hell. He couldn’t go through that again, especially not come out the other end of it still intact. He hadn’t come out the other side intact.   
    This life might be better than his other one, but what Wes had done to him after he had run away, all those weeks without Heero reminding him that there was someone in the world who cared, he had lost something. He had come out of that dark room hollow. Shattered. That day, when Wes had unlocked his cuffs, something inside of his heart had died. Duo didn’t know what it was, couldn’t really put the sensation into words, but he had felt it. It wasn’t so bad. That hole in his soul had since been filled up to the brim with love and family and hope, but he could still feel it sometimes, could still remember looking at himself in the mirror afterwards and not recognizing himself. Dead violet eyes had looked back at him. He had been a zombie, a bit of reanimated flesh, nothing more. It hadn’t been until Heero had found him that he had started to breathe again.   
    And maybe that was why he hadn’t tried to find Shi and Solo after all this time, even though he missed him more than he could describe, because he wasn’t the same person anymore. Would they still call him his friend if they knew that he would have let Yuki die, rather than trade places with him, just because it meant he would be able to see his new family? He wouldn’t be the same, didn’t want to be the same, and would they hate him if they discovered that-  
    The boys behind him laughed sharply as they continued to cat call at him, still not realizing that he wasn’t a girl, rousing Duo roughly from his disturbing thoughts. He walked faster, the street kid in him wary that the boys were going to follow him, but he didn’t look back. The best thing he could do was ignore them entirely and get to the next street as soon as possible. He never should have zoned out in the first place. He was loosing his touch, getting lost in his thoughts like that when he was out in the open like this, exposed. Why was he even thinking about all this anyway? Why couldn’t he just leave the past behind, why did he have to let his memories haunt him like this? After all this time, he still couldn’t let go of his ghosts. After all this time, Wes and the consequences of his hold over him still had such power. Why couldn’t he just let himself be happy?  
    The second Duo got out of the alley and onto the back street, he glanced back briefly, but the boys hadn’t moved at all, more hot air than anything. Duo sighed at his own paranoia. He needed to get home, _now_ , before he gave himself a stress-induced heart attack. Since he had left school, he had gone from happy relief to anxiety to fear to sadness and now he was back to a mix of anxiety and fear. He looked around the street, only to find, to his dismay, that it was empty of people. There really wasn’t anything on this street but a few apartments, storage buildings, and a lumber yard so there was never many people walking around or cars.   
    ‘I should turn around and take the long way around,’ he thought.  
    He really, really should. Even if it was in the opposite direction and it was a lot longer than he wanted to take. An empty, back street was definitely not where he wanted to be, it didn’t matter at all that there was a busier street just an alley away from him. He was about to go back the way he came when he noticed that one of the cars that was parked on the side of the street further up the direction he needed to walk in had someone inside of it. He looked around shakily, but there was no one else around, no sinister shadows that he could see.   
    As he walked towards the car, he kept his fingers hovering over the buttons of the tazer until he could see the back of the person’s head. It was a man, but he was shorter than both Wes and Chris, an older man with thinning, grey hair. Even just from the back, the guy didn’t look that imposing at all. Duo seriously doubted he was one of Wes’ men. Best of all, the man was on a cell phone. If something _did_ happen, he could call for help. It was just a street, Duo chanted mentally, just a street, not a dark alley, not a dead end. All he had to do was walk down it, turn to the right, and he would be two blocks away from home. That wasn’t so scary, was it?   
    Duo took a deep breath and kept walking, though he kept his hand clenched around his tazer and kept scanning the street ahead of him. It was Friday, he kept telling himself as he walked past the car, and Heero might be back tomorrow morning. He would get home and do all the stuff he had joked to Trowa about. Once he got to his street, he would be safe. Their neighbor, whom Duo didn’t know any of their names, from across the street, was always lounging by her garden in the front yard, and the man next door to them walked his Newfoundland around this time, a beast that Duo had started to warm up to because, although it was an enormous dog, was incredibly sweet and affectionate, the first time Duo had met it, he had had Sammy in his arms and though the cat had hissed at the dog, the canine had just laid down at Duo’s feet, it’s tongue rolling out of its mouth happily. He didn’t hate dogs, it was just that living on the streets had taught him to be wary of them. A stray had attacked Shiva’s mom once, had gotten its jaws around her leg and probably would have killed her if he hadn’t been there to get it off her. Still, he liked dogs, he just could never have one with his cats, even a sweet one like his neighbor’s since most of his cats, especially Toby, would try to claw a dog’s eyes out if it got too close to them.   
    Thinking about his neighbor’s dog, maybe seeing it on his way home and giving it a pat on the head, maybe letting it lick his face, made a bit of his fear ebb away. It was just part of that vision of normal. They used to call it the ‘American Dream’, having a mom and dad who loved you, a white picket fence, nice neighbors, and a dog. Like something out of an ancient sitcom. They didn’t make shows like that anymore because no one actually lived like that. Well, Duo had a sort of mom who loved him and a white picket fence, and his cats were just as good as dogs, so that part was pretty close. And as soon as he got into the house, he was taking the blanket off of Heero’s bed, wrapping himself in it so he could smell the boy he loved, even if he couldn’t see him, sit on the big red couch in the living room and watch bad horror movies, or maybe a nature program, if it was something he hadn’t seen before.  
    He was going to get a cold root beer from the fridge, make some pop corn, just lay down and do nothing that required any thought whatsoever, just pretend like there wasn’t a monster out there that was stalking him, that all those bad thoughts that kept plaguing him were just white noise in his head. He’d call Trowa, just to let him know he was ok, and Name, too, if she didn’t call him by six o’clock, just because it would be really, really nice to hear her voice. He’d wait up for Quatre and Trowa, they’d chat about their date and maybe play some video games before going to bed. Everything would be normal and good and he could sleep with the hope that when he woke up in the morning, maybe Heero and Name would be there, though that was unlikely. Though, he was really starting to get into this illusion of denial. It was kind of nice, actually.   
    Duo’s mind went completely blank, all thoughts of home leaving him as he felt something hard, something made of metal being shoved into his lower back and he became aware for the first time that someone was right behind him. Why hadn’t he noticed that?  
    ‘Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!’ his terrified mind screamed at him.  
    This was stupid, why had he done this? He should be home right now, with Trowa and Quatre, not out here…   
    ‘Zechs,’ he thought desperately.  
    He had been spending this entire time reflecting on what Wes would do to him if he ever got a hold of him and he had forgotten all about the silver haired boy that had been acting strangely all day. His mind clung desperately to that, and wasn’t it ironic that he refused to give up that possibility out of _hope_? Because, really, Zechs wasn’t that bad. Compared to the alternative, Zechs wasn’t that bad at all. He still scared him, but not like Wes did. Never like Wes. And yet, though he wanted to hope, he knew that it wasn’t Zechs behind him, there was that smell, that familiar smell, and the feeling of heat coming off the man. How could you tell a person’s identity from something so small? And yet, he knew. Just like how he knew that the piece of metal the man was pushing against him was the muzzle of a gun.  
    Duo’s fingers spasmed tightly around the tazer. Could he do it? Could he get him before the gun went off? Did he dare to risk it?   
    “Don’t even think about it,” a voice that made Duo’s knees go weak and his stomach feel as though it had turned to sludge growled and Duo, automatically, reflexively, let go of the tazer, “Get your hands out of your pockets. Now.”  
    Duo did as he was told, without so much as thinking about it. Just obeying an order. Just like always. He hated himself. Had nothing changed. A single order from this man and he jumped. Where was his pride now, he thought bitterly. Could he electrocute Wes before he shot him? Not a chance. Not when just the act of standing seemed so hard all of the sudden.   
    It was the woods all over again. He couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe. Terror filled him and wrapped around his heart. Duo didn’t realize that he was shaking slightly.   
    ‘He said he loves me,’ some stubborn part of him argued.  
    And if that was true, then he wouldn’t shoot, even when Duo tried to shock him, right?  
    ‘He shot me before,’ the bitterness was back, that feeling of betrayal that never really made much sense, but reared its head every time that Wes hurt him, ‘Just to prove a point, he shot me.’  
    That realization stopped any thoughts of using the tazer on Wes. Even if he could gather the courage to do it, even if he could ignore all those ancient thoughts that demanded he just submit to his past abuser, he wasn’t fast enough. Wes didn’t even have to shoot to kill, just hit his hand. And Wes was a very good shot. How had this happened? How, after all this time, was he still powerless here?   
    ‘My phone’s on,’ he thought, his mind starting to go white with hysteria, ‘As long as my cell phone stays on, they can find me. The GPS software… no matter where I am, they’ll find me.’  
    But would he be in tact when they did… no, he couldn’t think about that! He couldn’t just… just give in like a good little dog the second Wes showed up! He had had the strength to defy him when Wufei’s life had been in danger, so why couldn’t he find it now, to save himself? He felt frozen. He couldn’t do anything. Why hadn’t he heard him coming up behind him? But, if he thought about it, even if he had heard Wes behind him, what would he have done? If he had run for it, he probably would have gotten shot. But if he had run, the man in the car would have seen it, he would called the cops. Did he see what was happening now? Duo didn’t dare look back. He knew Wes would do something if he did. Hit him, shoot him, who knew? That had always been the worst part of living with him, not knowing when the blow would come, but knowing that it would, eventually. He had woken up every morning and had wondered ‘how will he hurt me today?’ It had been a constant question since he had been seven years old and to have it reappear after all these months of… well, bliss was physically and emotionally painful. All he could do was hope that the man in the car had seen Wes pull the gun on him and wasn’t just sitting there wondering why the two of them were so close.  
    “Y…” Duo tried to speak, but his voice was weak, his throat was dry and it took him a few seconds to get any real words out, “You can’t do this. No matter what you do, you’re going to get arrested for this. Heero will find me-”  
    The mere mention of Heero’s name seemed to piss Wes off enough to retaliate to shove Duo forward. In a way, the second the words had come out of his mouth, Duo had realized it had been the wrong thing to say, but since he couldn’t see the blonde man, he hadn’t seen it coming and he stumbled, just barely keeping himself from falling and hitting the pavement. An almost lifetime of being shoved, kicked, and tripped by this same man had forced him to learn how regain his balance quickly or end up with a lot more injuries than he could afford from the easily violent pimp.   
    “You let me worry about that,” Wes said in an obviously threatening tone, “Just shut up and keep walking.”   
    Duo let out a shaky breath and kept walking. This couldn’t be happening. He had to be dreaming or… or something. But this was the very thing he had been having nightmares about ever since that night in the woods and by now, he knew the difference between reality and his nightmares, even if it took him awhile sometimes. As they walked a few feet, Duo feeling like he was going to jump out of his skin, his skin tingling like he was standing near a live wire, or a snarling grizzly bear that he couldn’t actually see, but knew was there, he saw where Wes wanted him to go. Though this was a back street and wasn’t really a residential area, it was well kept and there were small tress growing out of squares of mulch in the pavement. Those trees had blocked his view of Wes’ car, parked further up the street.  
    ‘I can’t go in there,’ his panic brain protested.  
    ‘And I don’t have a choice,’ the more rational part of him summed up neatly.  
    What could he do? Fight back and hope that he didn’t die? How could he possibly escape? Maybe only a part of it was his overwhelming fear of Wes, how impossible it had always been to defy him, but he also, logically, didn’t see a way out of this. If he didn’t get into the car, Wes would probably shoot him and drag him into it anyway. The man was too crazy for him to try to find some logical way out of this, some way to get home safely. He didn’t even know what he had planned. As they got to the car and Wes reached around him to open the passengers’ side, it finally hit Duo like a tidal wave. Even if that man _had_ called the cops, they weren’t going to come in time. He was going with Wes and no one was going to save him this time. Even if Wes just had five minutes before someone found him, it was too much time. Every second was too long.   
    “Get in,” Wes ordered.  
    Panic overwhelmed Duo. Not again, not ever again… Name and Heero and all his friends had promised him that. So why, why couldn’t Wes just leave him alone? Why couldn’t he ever be safe? In that moment, Duo didn’t know what he felt more towards the man, fear or rage. No matter how far he tried to run, no matter how much he tried to make his life better, Wes was always there, turning everything to hell. Would he always be there, even if he got away from him now, the constant dark shadow haunting him? He knew… he had always known that he could never move on from his past as long as Wes was around. He had thought that all he really needed was Heero and Name, showing him what love and family was supposed to be like, but without giving up everything Wes had made him feel, all that fear, making him feel worthless every single day, without finally moving past those dark memories, he couldn’t hope to try to make _anything_ better. And how could he let go of any of that when Wes wouldn’t let go of him?  
    “No,” he protested, half in anger and half in frantic panic, “I’m not going-”  
    Wes grabbed his braid by the base near his neck and shoved him forcefully into the car. Pain shot through Duo’s head as he hit it against something hard. The steering wheel, the dash board, he wasn’t sure, but it dazed him for a second. He nearly laughed hysterically then. He had forgotten. After all these months, he had forgotten what it felt like, this feeling of violence, of being tossed around like a rag doll. It was so familiar, like going back to a place you had frequented as a child. When you tried to remember, it was hazy, but when you actually went there, all the details were so vivid, you wondered how you could have forgotten at all.   
    He had spent too much time with the Yuy’s. He had forgotten what it had felt like to be treated like a thing, an animal, instead of a human being. He had dreamt about it constantly, but as soon as he had woken up, Name had been there with kind smiles and hugs when he needed them and that feeling, those memories always faded. Every day that went by with him in that house had been one day away from his life with Wes. Even if it had haunted him, it was hard remembering exactly how it felt to have your bounced off something hard until someone actually did that to you. It was like returning home, even though it hurt, it was familiar to him. He had just forgotten how familiar. As the fog in his head started to dissipate, he looked down at his hands and felt the equally familiar sensation of a needle going into his arm. The last thing he saw and realized was how badly his hands were shaking.  
  
*****  
  
  
    “Never mind, Sylvia,” Charles Noventa said into his cell phone as he watched the longhaired brat that Name Yuy had taken in being led down the street by a strange man holding a gun to his back, “I think that I’ll be coming home very soon.”  
    Noventa smirked and hung up his phone, his pale blue eyes watching the scene on the street with cold glee. It turned out that Name’s precious charity case wasn’t as perfect and innocent as she claimed. You couldn’t take a rat out of the gutter and expect it to not wallow in trash for very long. Ever since that little freaky-eyed shit had made a fool out of him and Name had chosen that same shit over him… _him_ , her business partner, someone she had had known for years! Maybe he wasn’t as rich as her, or have her spotless reputation, but compared to this piece of trash, he might as well be a king! Such a person didn’t deserve to kiss a Yuy’s shoes or look a man like him in the eye, and yet, not only had he turned his offer down, Name had _struck_ him over it!   
    Ever since that embarrassment, ever since he had vowed to Name that it wasn’t over, not by a long shot, he had been hard at work trying to get back at Name and her flea-ridden pet. He had been so righteous… so sure… Thanks to Yuy, his business was ruined, his good name dragged through the mud, all because she had been too weak and emotional in the way that women were to make her son marry his Sylvia. She had tossed away their entire relationship, and for what? Some sentimental notions? So what if her son didn’t love his granddaughter? This was business, not some dime store romance novel!   
    When that boy took over the company, women would be falling over themselves to marry him. Hell, they did that now! Just look at Relena Peacecraft. She had been prime meat, the perfect wife for any wealthy bachelor, now she was so obsessed with Yuy she wouldn’t look at any other man. Who did Yuy think her son was going to wed? Did she think that he was going to find anyone better than his Sylvia? With that attitude problem of his, he should be grateful Noventa was willing to wed her off! With that rage filling him, remembering the feeling of Name striking him across the face, Noventa had been set on paying them back, both Name and the squirt, but as the months had passed, he had quickly realized how hard that would be.   
    Name was bullet proof. Her business practices were perfect, both ethical and successful. The only things he could really use against her with the corporation were so petty, they wouldn’t leave so much as a dent in her reputation. There wasn’t really anything in her personal life he could use, either. Heero’s recent, shameful behavior and her taking in the homeless brat was public knowledge. None of it seemed to faze her at all and worse, the public and her business partners didn’t seem to care, either. All there was was the rat. If he brought _him_ down, if Name cared as much as she said she did, it would destroy her. Even better, if the media found out that Yuy’s charity case had some dark secret, it would make Name look like a fool.   
    But finding dirt on the longhaired punk was almost as hard as finding dirt on the Yuy’s. He had thrown what little power he had left around to get the boy’s records, only to find that he didn’t have much. No birth records, no social security, no parents, no doctor’s records. All he had was some pay stubs from some quaint, local shop and grades from the public high school and middle school. Everything else surrounding him was either in a fake name or in Name’s. His address was a fake. His name was a fake. All the records he had for his job had been set up by Name herself. He couldn’t find any dirt on the kid because according to the government, he didn’t exist. He couldn’t even use that absence against him because he was sure that Name would spend a fortune making that sort of problem go away. The woman had set up a goddamn bank account and trust fund for him! Sylvia would be lucky if they had the money to send her the private college she had been prattling on about for a single semester and Name was showering money and security on some homeless brat who wasn’t even worth the air he breathed!  
    Noventa had spent the last couple of months trying to follow the boy, to try to catch him doing something that Name couldn’t possibly know about, but even that was difficult since Heero and those strange friends of theirs were always hanging around him, more like a guard detail than a bunch of teenagers. The brat didn’t go anywhere alone, _ever_! Noventa’s smirk grew. Wasn’t it convenient that the first time he caught him alone something like this happened? He had no idea who the man with the gun was, but the boy clearly knew him and Noventa doubted that the man was a cop. This was perfect. He didn’t even have to tape this and use it against Name, all he had to do was let it happen! He just wished he could be there when she realized that her ‘other son’ had gone missing. He nearly wanted her to know that he had had a hand in it, but that would be too dangerous.  
    Noventa grinned as he started up his car and pulled into the street. He hoped that man kept the kid gone. He hoped it broke Name’s heart.  
  
  
  
End Part 6


	53. The Second Son Part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While at dinner with his grandparents, Heero and Name get terrible news from back home.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 7  
  
  
    Heero felt like he had somehow fallen into the Twilight Zone, that silly, old black and white television show that Duo and Trowa liked to watch every now and then, or perhaps a wormhole leading to his life ten years ago. Despite how late it had been, and their agreement to meet for breakfast in the morning, one thing had led to another and, somehow, Heero and his mother had ended up meeting both his grandparents for dinner that night at seven o’clock after Heero and Name had checked in to their hotel. They had gotten back to the hotel around six thirty, too early to call home and see if Duo was ok, so by the time they had gotten to the restaurant, he had been itching to make the phone call, but had forgotten all about it when his grandmother and grandfather had shown up at their table.  
    Heero hadn’t seen his grandmother for a very long time, even longer than his grandfather, but she hadn’t changed very much. Kane was ten years younger than Hiroto and, before Heero’s time, his other relatives had slung a lot of insults around about her behind Hiroto’s back about her being a trophy wife. On the outside, Kane had been that; beautiful, quiet, and well-versed in all the things that typical, Japanese house wives were expected to know, how to cook and sew and make tea. Heero’s grandmother was also the only woman he had known when they had been living in Tokyo who had worn a kimono every day and not just on special occasions. His mother had long ago explained to him that his grandmother came from a very old-fashioned, rural village, but she had shown up to the restaurant in an expensive dinner dress in the current European style, and she had never seemed bothered about moving to the west.  
    Even if people assumed that his grandmother was just a pretty housewife, Heero knew that she was anything but a trophy wife. He didn’t know much about his grandfather’s first wife, his mother’s mother, since Name had been so young when she had died, but he did know that his grandfather wasn’t the kind of man to just marry a woman because it was his duty. If Hiroto had wanted a trophy wife, he could have married a beautiful heiress more than half his age with good social standing or something like that. Instead, he had married a woman who, though younger, had not been like the barely out of high school girls that other rich men had taken as wives, from some poor little town in the mountains, who had already had a son older than Hiroto’s own daughter.   
    Most of their relatives hadn’t been able to understand why Hiroto had married Kane, but Heero could see it. Hiroto was stubborn and forceful, like the waves that Name was named after, while Kane was patient and quiet. They reminded Heero of his own parents. His mother could be just as stubborn as her father and he knew that he had the same kind of personality, but his father had always been patient, had always been able to find ways to find the solution to a problem, to change his mind, without compromising anyone’s feelings. Always calm and kind to his mother’s uncompromising ideals and forceful attitude, like the moon and the sea, so different, but they worked together in complete sync. Just like Hiroto and Kane. Just like Duo and himself.   
    That was who his grandmother reminded him of, his best friend. Duo was just as kind and quiet, so people thought that they could walk all over him, that he and Heero were so incompatible. They assumed that Heero’s personality overwhelmed Duo’s, that he just bossed him around, but that wasn’t true at all. Duo could be just as passionate as him, especially when it concerned the people he loved. Besides, his softer personality helped temper Heero’s. If it weren’t for Duo, Heero would still be in that bitter place he had been after his father had died. It hadn’t been someone with a stronger, more stubborn personality that had made him see what an ass he had been, just someone who could understand him, someone with the patience to listen and help him be better. Kane might not be as young and beautiful and rich as those other girls, but she was perfect for Hiroto. Nothing like her son, not even a little. Mizu must have gotten his nasty personality from his nameless father.  
    Heero’s grandmother hadn’t changed much at all from the last time he had seen her. Time had been just as kind to her as his grandfather, leaving very few wrinkles on her face, her dark brown eyes just as bright and intelligent as they had always been. Kane still kept her hair long, wrapped in a braid that reminded Heero of his American friend with a pang of longing, but hers was in a fancier style, and it was much shorter, only to her chest. Her black hair had some gray streaks in it, but not many. There was a deep blue flower in her hair over her left ear that matched her dress that Heero was sure his grandfather had bought for her. For some reason, that little detail warmed him. An image entered his mind, seeing that flower.   
    He saw himself combing Duo’s long, beautiful chestnut hair and braiding it for him, each and every morning. He could feel the silken strands as he threaded his fingers through them in his mind, could smell the shampoo that Duo used. The image made something hot flare in his heart, something wonderful and intense and painful. That heat made his cock stir, just a tiny bit, but enough to make him feel self-conscious and embarrassed as his grandfather hugged him. He was sure that his mother’s father didn’t realize that the thought had aroused him a little bit, in a way that was so much more than simply sexual, but he still blushed a little.  
    Just like with his grandfather, Heero felt anxious in seeing his grandmother again, but kind of desperate, too. There had been a time, back before and when his father had just died, when he had seen his grandparents all the time. They had been his babysitters, even though his grandfather had always seemed so busy. And when his father had passed, they had moved in with them. When his mother had been on the verge of an emotional breakdown, too overwhelmed to deal with giving Heero the attention he had needed, his grandmother had been there, doing the housework, helping Heero with his homework, and cooking for all of them.     She had always been so affectionate towards him, even though he was only her grandson through marriage. She treated him like any grandmother would, just like she treated his mother like she was her own daughter. When he had been with his grandparents, Heero had always had this sense of family, especially after his father’s death and finding himself back with them, he realized more than he ever had just how lonely he had been. Heero loved his mother, even when they were butting heads, he found it hard to do anything that he knew would hurt her. That comment he had thrown at her the day she had told him she was moving him to America had burned, the very second it had left him because he knew that bringing up his father’s death had been so… inappropriate and painful and selfish. He hated himself shortly after saying it, even though he had still been pissed at her.      
    But, as much as he loved his mother, just living together with the two of them had made him lonely for those times when it had been him, his mom, and his grandparents, the reminder that he had family, that he belonged to, not only a large extended family, but one that had a lot of history. Seeing his grandparents together for the first time in years, Heero could really understand why Duo was so touchy talking about how he felt about finding his own family, the bitterness and anger he felt for growing up alone, for not having any adult or loving family member to protect him from the Wes’ of the world. It felt hollow, not having that support and sometimes you didn’t even realize how much you missed it, how much you needed it. If Duo’s family ever found him, would he suddenly realize that he actually did want them in his life? Would he leave them for his real family?  
    Heero looked down at his food, suddenly feeling pensive. What difference did it make, he thought bitterly. Duo’s family had been absent for at least ten years of Duo’s life, if they really loved him, they would have contacted him by now. Both of their pictures had been in the newspaper, along with articles about Heero and Name moving to Maine. Even though the name of the town had never been printed, it couldn’t be that hard for anyone to find them, and by extension, Duo. Heero didn’t know what thought made him more bitter, that one day Duo might decide to leave, or that no one had ever come looking for him. When his father had died, Heero had felt abandoned, like his father had betrayed him and that meant he was alone. Now, he realized how childish and ignorant those feelings had been. His father had died, but Heero had always had his mother. Even if she had died as well, as painful as that thought was, there was still his grandparents and other relatives.   
    No matter what happened in Heero’s life, he would always have a home. That was a very simple fact. With his family’s wealth and reputation, he would never really be alone. Duo’s family, for whatever reason, hadn’t just died or vanished. He had been left without parents, without a home, a sparse roof over his head. Hell, he hadn’t even been left with a name, some link to how he had come into the world. Duo was the one that had been truly abandoned and Heero saw now that he had never had the right to those feelings. He had been selfish, lashing out at others because of his pain while there were kids like Duo in the world that had lost so much more. It didn’t devalue his own pain, like Duo had said, but it didn’t give him the right to use it as an excuse to make other people suffer.   
    Duo had told him once that, in those days when Wes had chained him up and refused to let him out that room for quite some time, he had been desperate for escape, for something to take him away from all that darkness. Falling back into his mind, Duo could have picked any place at all to escape to. The most comforting heaven, things that he desperately craved but couldn’t hope to have, the things that made him the happiest. He could have dreamt that he had been born with a family, people who loved him, that he was rich and secure. He could have dreamt of a life without Wes and poverty in it. Instead, Duo had dreamt of their house. Not how he wished that it looked, but how it actually did look. If you asked anyone to dream of the one place they wanted to go to escape pain, even if it didn’t really exist, they would usually dream of someplace that only existed in their minds. Duo had dreamt of reality, of a home that he wanted, one he wanted so badly because he had been there, had felt its warmth, and had cruelly been forced to leave.   
    Places that were real would always be more powerful than what people could imagine, but what person could claim that their heaven, the place they desired, the place they felt the happiest, actually existed in reality, a place they could visit within walking distance? There was just something so… so sad, knowing that Duo had spent those nightmarish days dreaming of returning to their house, of living there. What made it sad was that it was such a simple wish, one they had easily granted, but at the time, Duo had labeled it as a dream, something that was impossible. And when he talked about meeting his family, he never had any curiosity in his tone, no yearning , just anger. An anger that seemed so out of character for the violet eyed boy. Heero didn’t think that he had to worry about Duo leaving them. Even if he, himself, had missed his own family, he knew he couldn’t put Duo in his place and expect the same thing.  
    As hollow as Duo probably felt not even knowing who his parents were or had been, Heero didn’t think that he would have some big, cathartic moment if he did meet them. Even if it hadn’t been there fault, could anyone really expect Duo to welcome them into his life without feelings of bitterness and frustration? What could they give him that Heero and his mother hadn’t? They had done more for him than his missing parents ever had, so there really wasn’t any reason for him to be worried, was there? And yet, when his grandmother had hugged him and called him ‘Chobi’  in the way that she always did, instead of being cold to him or chastising him for his past behavior, Heero had been filled with relief, but also sadness, knowing that Duo would probably never have this kind of relationship, this sense of history outside of Name.   
    Heero nearly chuckled as he took another bite of his steak, thinking about the endless amusement Duo would have gotten if Heero had dared to explain the endearment ‘chobi’ to him, that it meant ‘little’ because, when Heero had been born, he had been the smallest baby in the entire family. Of course, when he had hit puberty, he had sprouted up taller than any of the other Yuy men at that age, thanks to his father’s Russian genetics. According to his mother, his great-grandfather had always been against marriage with individuals who weren’t full-blooded Japanese, which wasn’t easy these days, but Heero certainly wasn’t complaining. In return for breaking the cardinal rule of the Yuy family, Heero had gained his father’s eyes and above average height, not a bad deal at all.   
    So, while the nickname had always annoyed Heero because it stopped being accurate around age thirteen, it was as comforting to hear as his mother calling his grandmother ‘haha-san’ (1) or Kane calling his mom ‘Nana-chan’. Heero was pretty sure that no one had referred to his mother as ‘chan’ since she had been a little girl. He could easily imagine Trowa gleefully, and cruelly Heero thought, informing Duo of this nickname and Duo giving out that cute little laugh of his, the one that was rare because of all those years living in darkness, being hit for making such a noise, but beautiful when it came out. It was kind of irritating, loving that sound, because he couldn’t retaliate against Duo being amused by his grandmother’s endearment. He would have to take it out on Trowa, which wasn’t so hard since it would be his damn fault anyway. Just because the Italian had always been taller than him, even when they had been kids…  
    Heero took a quick sip of his coffee as his mother chatted with his grandmother about her feelings on moving to London. He was still reeling in the relief he had felt at her earnest hug. He had come to England wanting nothing more than to get back home to America, but now that he was here, he was feeling hesitant about leaving. If Duo had come with them, it would have been a real struggle for him. He had missed his grandparents and he was glad that they had gotten the chance to be together like this, even though he was missing Duo like a hot iron had pierced his heart. From the second they had left his grandfather’s office, all Heero had thought about were all things Duo would have loved about London. Not the traffic or the noise or all the people bustling about, but the landmarks and shops and the park that was next to the YC building.   
    Duo would have liked this restaurant, too. It was a five star place, catering to the YC workers, the building just a few blocks away. It was expensive, a place that you couldn’t even find in Maine, let alone afford to eat at, but it was simple and elegant. The food was damn good, too, and the second the staff had realized who they were, instead of being constantly bothered and schmoozed, they had been left alone once their meals had arrived. There was some nameless piece of classical music playing and the restaurant overlooked the Thames River. With the moonlight shining off the water, it was quite beautiful. It had been quite some time since Heero had eaten at a place like this.   
    He had gotten used to the restaurants back in America. None of them had been as classy as this one, but he had liked them. Before they had moved, Heero had seen such places as trashy, used to being waited on when he went out to eat, but he had quickly learned that they weren’t worse, just different. Duo had taught him that a six dollar burger could be just as delicious as a fifty dollar steak, it just mattered how you cooked it. Heero had learned to love going out to eat with Duo. They never went anywhere fancy, but Heero had always had fun. Honestly, he didn’t know what he preferred more, the intimacy and convenience, or the class and atmosphere of a place like this. It wasn’t just being waited on, it was the familiarity of this place, and knowing that they were getting the best.   
    But Heero couldn’t deny that he had changed. This might be the way he had grown up, eating out at places like this, having waiting staff treat you like royalty, but it didn’t make it better than the life he had been living with Quatre, Trowa, and Duo. Why couldn’t he find a middle ground between the past and the present? Some place where he could sit and eat while looking out at a moon-lit river, but also where Duo would be treated with respect, even though he wasn’t from the upper class? He wanted to be able to give Duo this kind of treatment, but without sacrificing anything, including Duo’s comfort level.  
    They had been sitting in the restaurant for two hours now, just talking and eating slowly, enjoying each other’s company, when Heero felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket. Normally, he would have switched it off or put it on silent since they were at a restaurant, but he didn’t care where they were or what they were doing. As long as he was away from Duo, he was keeping the phone on. He really should have called home, just to check in, as soon as they had gotten here, but he had gotten distracted by talking to his grandmother. Name stopped talking as Heero flipped open his phone and saw that it the call was coming from Quatre’s cell phone. He didn’t know why, but his stomach suddenly felt tight. Heero immediately chastised himself. It was nine o’clock here, which meant that it was four o’clock there. Maybe they had all decided to get a pizza or something and Duo was just using Quatre’s phone to check in.      
  
    ‘But why would he do that?’ a rebellious voice in his head pointed out, ‘If they’re at home, it would the home number, and they aren’t, wouldn’t Duo still be calling from his own cell phone?’  
    ‘Maybe there’s something wrong with his phone,’ Heero shot back stubbornly, ‘Maybe he forgot to charge it or he dropped it or maybe he left it at the house and just remembered to call when they left.’  
    “Hello?” he asked, trepidation making him suddenly feel anxious and sick.  
    “Heero?”  
    When it was Quatre’s voice coming through the phone and not Duo’s, Heero felt his stomach drop even further. It didn’t mean anything, he thought, maybe Duo was doing something, going to the bathroom or ordering the food and Quatre was the one who had remembered to check in with them…   
    ‘But then why does he sound like that? Why does he sound so anxious?’  
    Heero couldn’t think of a single thing to say to retort that question.  
    “Has Duo called you?” Quatre asked, his voice sounding as tight as Heero’s stomach felt.  
    “What? What do you mean has he called me? Isn’t he with you?!” Heero demanded.  
    “Well…” Quatre sounded hesitant and fearful as he started to ramble, “The thing is, it was Trowa and mine’s anniversary tonight. We were going to cancel our plans, but Duo didn’t want us to. We’re at dinner right now, but he still hasn’t called and he said he would-,”  
    “Where. Is. Duo?!” Heero snapped, fear and anger filling him.  
    “He… he went home by himself…” the blonde’s voice was small, almost impossible to hear, like he was about to cry.  
    “WHAT?!” Heero screamed into the phone.  
    Name looked at her son in bewilderment and concern while her parents just seemed very confused by his sudden fury.  
    “What the hell do you mean he went home alone?! What part of ‘do not let him out of your sight’ do you NOT understand?! How can you two be so fucking irresponsible when you know what’s at stake?!” Heero raged.  
    On the other end of the line, he could hear strange noises; soft murmurs and whimpering.  
    “Heero,” Trowa’s voice replaced Quatre’s, much calmer than his boyfriend’s, but still anxious and worried, “I know you’re concerned, but screaming and making my boyfriend cry is not helping. Now, has Duo called you?”       
    “No,” Heero growled, “I haven’t heard from _any_ of you until now! What the hell is going on, Trowa?! You promised me you would look after him, and now you’ve _lost_ him?!”  
    “We don’t know that,” Trowa argued, “I know how stupid all this sounds, but Duo wanted to do this. He didn’t want to be responsible for us canceling our anniversary plans and he told me he wasn’t going to actually walk back to the house. There’s that bus stop near the school that runs by our street. He was going to be _safe_ , Heero. There are dozens of kids at our school that take that bus. But, more than that, Duo really wanted to do this. You know how his mind works, how his self-esteem has been suffering ever since Wes attacked us. He thinks that he’s put all of us in danger and he hates himself for it. You remember what he was like right after, how he was terrified of even leaving the house. He wanted to do this, to prove to himself and all of us that he could. It was important to him. Do you really think I could have told him no? Do you think I should have?”  
    Heero found that there was nothing he could say about that. The part of him that was frantic and terrified wanted to scream at Trowa that those were just excuses, that he had let Duo walk home just so he could go on a date with his boyfriend, but even in his anxious state knew how petty that sounded. And it wasn’t true. Trowa cared about Duo just as much as they all did and Heero knew he wouldn’t have let Duo do this unless there had been a good reason for it. He ran a shaking hand through his hair. This couldn’t be happening, it just… it just _couldn’t_! Trowa had promised it wouldn’t… after everything that had happened, trying to save Duo and Wufei from Wes in the woods and reconciling with him after all that time pushing each other away, there was no way in hell Heero was losing him again.   
    “I’m sure he’s fine,” Trowa tried to calm his friend, “He said he was going to just veg out and watch tv when he got home. He probably just forgot to call.”  
    Heero’s free hand continued to shake as it curled into a fist on his lap. He felt like he was going to throw up, like he was having a panic attack. This wasn’t happening… not when he was across the damn ocean, so far away…  
    “Heero, I’m so sorry,” Trowa tried to apologize.  
    “We’re going home,” the Japanese boy interrupted and hung up on him.  
    Even if Duo _was_ home, they were going. Heero couldn’t handle this fear anymore.  
    “What’s going on?” Name asked as Heero quickly dialed their home phone number.  
    “Not now,” he snapped tersely as he tried to listen.  
    ‘Please, please answer.’  
    Ring. Ring. Ring  
    ‘Please be ok…’  
    Ring. Ring. Ring…  
    Heero hung up the phone with a shuddering breath as he heard the answering machine pick up.  
    “He isn’t there,” he murmured, his voice cracking.  
    Duo wasn’t there. He wasn’t home. He wasn’t where he was safe. No matter what Duo was doing, he would have heard the phone. He knew how important it was to answer it, to remember to call them. Even if he had been in the shower, and Heero seriously doubted that at four in afternoon, he could hear the phone and, knowing Duo, would run out even with soap in his hair. If he didn’t answer, then he wasn’t home. He wasn’t with Trowa or Quatre, probably wasn’t with Wufei. He would have told Trowa if he was with Wufei. Duo would have called Trowa and Quatre when he had promised he would, if he was even able to answer his cell phone…  
    Heero’s stomach churned and he felt something inside of him tremble. If Duo was unable to answer his cell phone… that one thought was terrifying, that his best friend was somewhere, in some situation where he couldn’t even answer his phone made him, it made him feel literally feel sick to his stomach. He dialed Duo’s cell phone number in desperation and when it didn’t ring, but went straight to voice mail, he felt like he was going to scream. He flinched as his mother put her hand on his, her brown eyes soft with sadness.  
    “Something’s happened to Duo, hasn’t it?” she asked, even though she already knew the answer.   
    “He went home alone,” Heero whispered, forcing himself not to cry out of frustration, “but he’s not _there_!”  
    “Name, what is going on?” Hiroto interrupted.  
    Name shook her head, swallowing her trepidation. She could deal with it as soon as they got back home. She wanted to believe that there was some simple reason why Duo wasn’t answering his phone, that he was safe and they would laugh about it as soon as they got back, but she couldn’t help but think of all the road blocks life had thrown in Duo’s way, all the times that the worst _had_ happened. She couldn’t afford to hope.  
    “I’m sorry, Dad, Heero and I have to go back to America. I can’t explain,” she said hurriedly, digging her credit card out of her purse, “I’ll pay for dinner and call you when we land, ok?”  
    How could she possibly explain what was going on to her father, that the boy she had taken in was being hunted down by the monster who had abused and raped him for eight years, and now he wasn’t picking up the phone? It was better if he didn’t know that. She wasn’t sure what he would do, if he would try to help or would be convinced that taking Duo in had been a huge mistake.   
    “No, don’t bother,” Hiroto said with a calm smile, “I invited you here, I’ll pay. Besides, Mizu certainly put you and Heero through enough stress.”  
    They got up and hugged each other.  
    “Just promise that if you need help, I’ll be the one you call,” Hiroto said, feeling Name nod against his shoulder.  
    “Of course, To-san,” she murmured.  
    Heero hugged his grandmother goodbye, knowing that he should feel bad about leaving them so abruptly, without even explaining why they were in such a hurry, but he couldn’t think of anything, let alone feel anything but rabid anxiety, his mind filled with a heavy, blank buzzing.   
    “Have a safe flight,” Kane said with a soft smile, though Heero could tell how curious she was about why he had been screaming into the phone.  
    Heero caught a glimpse of her braid which she had thrown over shoulder, dangling down over her breast. A sharp pang struck his heart and as he and his mother left the restaurant to hail a cab, it was a struggle not to run. At nine at night, all by themselves on the street corner, it was easy for Name to get a cab’s attention.   
    “Start from the beginning,” she ordered as they sat down, “What is going on?”  
    “Trowa and Quatre let Duo go home alone,” Heero growled, his fear making his anger rise, “He promised he would call them as soon as he got home, but he never did. He isn’t answering the home phone and his cell phone goes straight to voice mail.”  
    “’K’so,” Name swore under her breath, taking her phone out of her purse, “I’ll have the GPS on his phone activated. They should have it on before we get to the plane.”  
    “If he even has it on him,” Heero said bitterly.  
    ‘And if it’s on,’ he thought, remembering with a heavy heart the agony Duo had put himself through in Boston trying to get to the phone and turning it on, only for them to discover that he hadn’t had enough service to make a call. That hellish moment, watching Duo stumble across the room, only to fall into his lap, bleeding everywhere and as pale as a ghost from the pain and exertion of it all. And then, realizing later that that one act had saved their lives… All those things had been by chance, Duo getting control over his body in time to have the strength and will of mind to try to do that, his mother putting a GPS on the phone, the GPS actually working despite the lack of service… Duo had survived that experience by the skin of his teeth. He could have easily died from blood loss and shock by the time they had been found. The likelihood that those same circumstances would play out again and they would be able to find him seemed so infinitesimal.   
    “Heero, we’ll find him,” Name promised, holding his hand tightly in hers.  
    Heero didn’t say anything, just kept staring out into space, looking like a thirsty man in a desert, desperately trying to find water before he died. Even just sitting in the cab, Heero could feel his heart beating like a tribal drum, loud and fast, his expensive dinner sitting in his stomach like a ball of lead. Nothing anyone said would comfort him, only seeing Duo’s smiling face, happy and safe, would.  
  
*****  
  
    Back in the restaurant, Hiroto gave the waiter his card and sipped at his tea as he waited for him to return. In a half-sip, he noticed his wife giving him an amused stare and put his tea down, raising an eyebrow at her.  
    “The Hiroto _I_ know would have grilled the both of them until he learned the truth,” Kane said with a cheeky smile.  
    “Oh, I’m getting the truth,” Hiroto vowed, resting his chin on his finger-laced hands, “Something strange is going on here. Name has always been truthful and straight-forward with me. She takes in some American boy and now she’s keeping secrets from me. I want to know what could be so bad to have my only grandson screaming and swearing at the only friend he’s ever had, looking like he’s about to cry. I may have not seen Heero in awhile, and he might have changed since the last time I saw him, but I do know that he hasn’t cried or looked so lost since his father’s death. I know it has something to do with that boy and I _will_ find out what is going on, and if Name eventually won’t tell me, I’ll find out on my own,” his serious expression dissolved into a smirk, “I’m just getting patient in my old age.”  
  
*****  
   
    Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. No… no, it was more than just one thing. Many things were wrong… or rather, everything was wrong. He wasn’t laying down, but he was just waking up. His wrists shouldn’t hurt. His head shouldn’t hurt. He couldn’t move his arms, but he could move his legs… he didn’t understand. And the smell… a terrible smell, but a familiar one. When he tried to crack his eyes open, everything was blurry, but it was bright. Too bright to be morning or nighttime. That smell… what was it? There was something important prickling in the back of his mind, something that told him he needed to know what that smell was.   
    It finally came to him. Cigarettes. He was smelling cigarettes, strong and fresh, so very near him. He _hated_ that smell, had always hated it because _he_ smoke cigarettes. That smell of burning leaves, invading his lungs. But it wasn’t just the cigarettes. There was something else. Every smell, every little thing that he couldn’t put a name to, but it was familiar. He wasn’t in his room, but he knew this place. It was too familiar…  
    Duo’s eyes shot open, no longer caring about his headache. He knew this place, and he needed to get out of here, _now_. He was sitting on a linoleum floor, his legs tucked under his body. His denim jacket had been removed, leaving him only in his white t-shirt with the dark blue, stenciled outline of a dragon on the front. His arms were raised above him, not stretched above, but bent and dangling from a pair of handcuffs. He knew where he was. He knew this linoleum floor, all cheap, off-white tiles. He knew the table he was handcuffed to. It was the same one in Wes’ kitchen, old, made of light brown wood, the top a large circle with three legs connecting the top to the thick, main leg, like a reverse tripod. He was handcuffed to one of those three legs, sitting under the table like he was a pet dog or cat.   
    He knew these handcuffs, too. Unless Wes had bought new ones, they would be silver with a large scratch on the right cuff. They weren’t toy cuffs, or even the ones you could buy at an adult toy shop. They were police issue and needed a key to open, made of heavy metal. He knew, from experience, that no matter how hard he pulled or smashed them against things, they wouldn’t break. He also knew that, though the table was old, it was well made and wouldn’t break. Still, as the familiar smell of cigarettes and Chinese food came to him, he thrashed violently, pulling at his restraints with a keening whine, sounding like the trapped animal that he was. He couldn’t be here! Not here, not again, not ever again…. The apartment… he was home. After all this time… he was back home.  
    “Stop fidgeting!” he heard Wes bark at him, then the blond kicked him hard in the ribs.  
    Duo choked, feeling the familiar sensation of sharp pain, as familiar as that smell of the cigarettes that Wes had always loved to smoke. The kick hadn’t been strong enough to crack or break his ribs, but the pain was white-hot and he knew that the bruise would be black. He stopped thrashing and simply hung by the handcuffs, an indescribable, heavy, choking feeling, like a weight, settling in his heart. He didn’t know how long he had been out, but his arms ached, especially his wrists, which were probably raw and red.   
    He felt as though he had walked through the waking world and into a nightmare, a separate reality. He couldn’t be here. It had to be a dream. Tears pricked at his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He’d say that it was because he didn’t want to give Wes the satisfaction to see him cry, but crying had always pissed the man off. No, he refused to cry because he knew that the second he surrendered to it, he wasn’t going to stop unless Wes hit him. That feeling of being trapped in his worst nightmare made him want to pull at his hands until he ripped them off. Not that that would help. This place was a cage, specially designed for him. The last time he had tried to escape from here, he had failed in the worst way.  
    Last time, Wes had dragged him back and he had done that again, now. He had only been freed because Wes had let him. If Heero hadn’t found him, there would have been only three outcomes: death by sickness and pain, death by Chris, or the bed, the one with chains in the darkness. Sitting on the same kitchen floor he had walked across that day months ago, it suddenly felt like he had never left at all. Heero and Name were pleasant dreams, lies he had created out of loneliness and despair. A tear escaped his left eye and he gritted his teeth, trying to keep the rest at bay. He had almost died getting out of this prison the last time, had not even been aware when he had left that he would be escaping. How could he possible escape a second time?  
    Duo looked up at what little he could see of Wes, who was sitting in one of the chairs at the table, through tear-blurry eyes. What was he doing? He finally had him exactly where he wanted him, so why wasn’t he doing anything? Duo leaned forward as far as his handcuffs would let him until he could see some of the top of the table. Wes had gone through his book bag, papers, books, his jacket, pencils, his ruler, and his calculator were all thrown on the table and had been rifled through. He could just barely see his cell phone next to Wes’ right hand, way too far away for him to get at it, even if he had more room to move his hands. Wes wasn’t stupid, nor was he nearly as arrogant to the point of near stupidity like Chris.   
    The thought of Wes going through all his things, his book bag and his pockets, rankled. Those things were his and the blonde man had no right to touch his stuff! He could understand taking his cell phone and tazer, but there was no reason for him to go through his school stuff! That thought was enough to shock him out of his paralysis. Heero and Name _weren’t_ dreams. This place might be a cage, but he didn’t belong here! His other life wasn’t a dream, because he had changed. He wasn’t the same person that Wes had made, he was something different. When he had been living here, he had accepted that he had nothing. All the things that were his had been Wes. His clothes, his money, his school books, his hair brush, his body. All of it had really belonged to Wes and he had never really questioned that. But now, those things were his. They had always been his! He had just been… been too timid and cowed to believe that.   
    He had let Wes control every aspect of his life. Even if he wasn’t there when he went to school, he could only go if Wes let him. He had grown past that. Name had given him things, with her own money, but had called them his. That had meant so much to him. And now, he was back here and he realized that he had changed. But Wes, he hadn’t. He was exactly the same. To Wes, Duo’s stuff still belonged to him, Duo still belonged to him, and that concept was enough to make Duo insane. What was the point of getting better if the monsters of his past couldn’t even acknowledge it? At the very least, Wes owed him that. He owed him the realization that his little slave wasn’t going to bow to him, wasn’t going to behave. But was that really true? The second Wes came back into his life, the second that he ordered him to do something, Duo did it. In a way, it was as though nothing had changed at all, at the same time that everything had. Because he didn’t see the world the same way he had anymore. He never would see the world the same way as he had, even if he was still having a hard time moving on from his past.  
    Being here, now, with the same man that he had lived with for eight years of his life was strange. It was comforting and terrible. Familiar and bizarre. It was like coming back home after spending years in a different country, you knew all the streets and faces around you, but they weren’t exactly the same and that difference made everything seem alien. Your father looked exactly the same, but those years apart made you see him in a different way. For the first time, you noticed the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes. You realized that he was old and just that tiny realization changed everything. Only this wasn’t his home and Wes wasn’t his father. Not anymore.  
    Or… was it? He had lived in this apartment for almost a decade. He had grown up here. Had done his homework in the second bedroom. His blood stained the carpet in every room in this place, even the bathroom rug. Every nook and cranny was filled with his memories. Yes, most of them were bad, but not all of them. He had had his first taste of chocolate in this kitchen. He had opened up his first report card in his bedroom. Two B’s and three A’s, with a little note that he was on the honor roll. In Wes’ bedroom, Wes had taught him how to get dressed in different clothes. For the first time, Duo had had clothes that hadn’t consisted of a ratty, slip-on shirt and pants that just had a elastic waistband. Wes had taught him how to tie his shoes, button his shirts, and zip up his jeans. Of course, he had also had to learn how to wear things like butt plugs and short skirts, but the other things were terrible memories. They would have been normal if Wes hadn’t slapped him every time he had missed a buttonhole.   
    Compared to Name, Wes had been far from ideal as a parent, but he was the only father Duo had ever known. He had hit and raped and made him feel like worthless trash, like the entire world would be better off if Duo stuck a gun in his mouth and blew his brains out, that the only way anyone could ever show him an ounce of affection was if he was a good fuck. But… there were other things, too. When Duo had finally perfected blow jobs, Wes had patted the top of his head. No one had ever patted his head before and it had felt good, though Duo hadn’t understood why at the time. When he had gotten the flu, Wes had bought him a bottle of cough syrup. He had claimed that he couldn’t take the sound of Duo’s coughing anymore, but he had gone out of his way to go to the only pharmacy in town that had strawberry-flavored cough syrup, because Duo hated the cherry kind. He had even measured out the right dosage in that dumb little cup for him.  
      
   _“I love you.”_  
  
    Duo nearly bit his tongue at that memory. And then there had been… _that_. Why the hell had Wes said that? Why couldn't he have just kept silent about that? If he hadn't said that, especially at that moment... After all those days, laying there on that bed, believing, truly, honestly believing that he would die in that darkness, all alone, forgotten by the boy he loved, just another dead rat in the gutter, that he would never see the sun again, that he had lived his life without any kind of purpose, without feeling any kind of love, that thing that everyone else harped about, but that he had only just started to see a glimmer of before Zechs' cruel prank had stripped it all away.   
    He had believed all those things, that he had been approaching the end of his life, and just hoping that it would come soon, so he wouldn't have to spend another week in that bed, that he wouldn't have to live without Heero, that he could hide away from the shame and worthless depression that he felt... then, Wes had let him go. He had freed him, had given him the chance to see the sun again. Even more importantly, Wes had given him his friends back. He had been able to see Solo and Shi and some part of himself that had been rotting in those weeks in the dark had started to come alive again, just by seeing someone who didn't want to fuck him, who just cared about him and wanted to make sure that he was ok. Wes had given him that.   
    That one moment had been enough to fuck with his head, his tormentor, the monster being the one to give him that gift. He had always been conflicted about Wes, caught between hating him more than he had ever hated any other person, and defining his entire existence through him. But, when he had let him go, something had snapped inside of Duo, some sort of resolve, perhaps the only shred of pride he had ever had, though he believed it had been something else. He didn't think that, at that point in his life, he had had any pride left. He believed that, in that moment when Wes had let him go, he had finally decided that he was never going to run away. It had been at that moment that Wes' confession had really struck him. It had been at that moment when he had finally accepted that this was his life, his future, his destiny. He had never known, until that moment, that in his entire life, he had had some sliver of hope. Going to school, being with Solo and the others, he had had things that he had loved, had strived for. They had been little things, but though he had always thought of himself as a whore, as a piece of trash, somewhere deep down inside, he had always hoped that there was something more. If he got a good grade on a test, he would think that maybe he wasn't so useless after all. When Shi hugged him, he had thought that, one day, he might have a family. Even if he didn't have a mom or a dad, he had that group of seven friends, people who would look after him.   
    Then, Wes had said it. "I love you." The only words Duo had ever wanted to hear, for his entire life. Spoken, not by Heero or Name, not even Solo or Shi, but by his rapist. At first, when Wes had said it, Duo had been half out of his mind and desperate for some kind of comfort. After all the sex and the confinement, he had been desperate for any kind of affection thrown his way, but he hadn't been so far gone that he had believed him. Wes said all sorts of things, had made promises to him before, but in the end, Duo had always discovered the lie, had always realized that Wes said things like that to fuck with his mind, out of sheer pleasure. Then, with a single plea, Wes had let him go. Actions spoke louder than words, didn't they? Wes had had him exactly where he had wanted him. Letting him go had given Wes nothing, no benefit, no real advantage. He had said that he loved him, and when Duo had begged for freedom, Wes had given it to him. And now he wondered, sitting here on the kitchen floor, looking up at the man, if Wes had never said that, would his heart be so twisted up?  
    If Wes had just let him go, without confessing those feelings, would Duo feel so compelled to stay by him, feel so attached to him? Would he be able to see Wes as his father, as he saw him now, or would he have lived in denial, easily calling Wes his tormentor only? Or was the strange, bitter love he felt for the man have stayed in him, festering regardless of what Wes had told him? He had thought, not so long ago, that there was no way he could survive without him. Wes defined his humanity. Because of him, he was still alive, had shelter, had gotten an education. When you got right down to it, it was because of Wes that Duo was living with Heero and Name at all. Without him, what was he? Just a homeless kid with a fake name and a shadow of a life. Without Wes, he was unwanted. Wasn't that something everything desired, to be special and have that validated by another person? Wes had had his pick of hundreds of kids, but he had chosen him. The man had who knew how many whores of all sexes and ages, but Duo was the only one who lived with him. In Wes' eyes, even before he had told Duo that he loved him, Duo had been special.   
    Of course, he couldn't think that without also remembering that Heero and Name also believed that there was something good and special in him as well. Heero was handsome and came from a celebrity family. He had had his choice of anyone in the entire town to be his friend, and he had not only zoned in on him, but easily called him his best friend, someone who he felt even closer to than Quatre and Trowa, although he had known them for much longer. And Name constantly said that she had taken him in, not because he was her son's friend, but just because Duo had needed her. But there were dozens of kids like him in this town who needed her more. What made him so special? It confused him, that contrast and similarity between Name and Wes, between what he knew, in his mind, was what he _should_ have, versus what he had accepted as family.   
    Even now, knowing the kind of danger that he was in, knowing how crazy Wes was and how worried Name was going to be when she found out that he was missing, Duo felt conflicted. His mind knew that he shouldn’t have any kind of attachment at all to Wes, that everything the man had done to him had broken him like he had been made of thin glass, while Name had built him back up into something strong and shining. The choice wasn’t any kind of choice at all, his logic told him. Name would give him a future, a life he could be proud of. All Wes wanted was to own him and pervert him back into the mindless zombie he had been before, just shuffling from sex to sex until he broke again, only this time, Duo was sure that nothing would be able to fix him. Sometimes, you only got one chance and he had already had his. If he chose Wes, if he went back to that life, he wouldn’t come back from it this time. And that terrified him.  
    But, although reason told him what he should do, that he should tell Wes to fuck off and do anything he could to escape, he couldn’t stop listening to his heart. There was a dark part of himself that didn’t want to let Wes go, that as scary and horrible it was to be back here, it was familiar and comforting, it was a part of who he was, so how could he possibly ignore that? He had known, without even opening his eyes, where he was. This place, and this man… they were in his blood, in his _soul_. That didn’t make it right and it certainly didn’t make it good, but he couldn’t rip it out of him. It was like a poison, a parasite that was in too deep. Wes had been the one to tell him that he loved him, but Duo had known, for awhile now, that he loved him, too. He had known, deep inside, but had tried to deny it, because that kind of dependency, so much like a betrayal, or an addiction, had always terrified him.   
    It had been his greatest fear, that one day he would find that he had become Wes, someone that had no attachments to anything bright and good, just a lot of shit, welcoming and being comforted by darkness. Wes killed without a thought, he beat people down like it was second nature to him, and Duo had no doubt that it was. He didn’t want to be like that, to just succumb to something that it was him, even though he knew that it was wrong, simply because he had accepted that it was his nature. Like the scorpion. He wanted… no, he _needed_ to be better than that. That was why he had told Wufei that he was glad that he had been unable to kill Wes.   
    Duo continued to study the man that he had lived with for the past eight years, those dark thoughts and feelings polluting his heart. Everything about him was so achingly, annoyingly familiar; his power and height, those cold, grey eyes, the dirty blonde hair that wasn’t quite cut close to his scalp, but wasn’t all that long, either… It was then that he realized that the reason why Wes hadn’t tried to do anything to him yet was because he was reading something. Duo squinted, trying to read what it was, but could only tell that it was a single piece of folded up paper. He caught sight of a familiar, empty envelope and paled, realizing that it was his report card. Wes suddenly smirked, but Duo couldn’t tell if it was one of his sadistic ones, the ones he got before he did something really sick and nasty to him and felt off-balance by it. Hell, he felt off-balance by this entire situation.  
    “Honor roll, huh?” Wes mused, then glanced down at Duo, “I’m proud of you.”  
    That feeling came back again, the bitterness and territoriality, as well as a seething anger. Wes didn’t have the right to make any kind of comment about his grades! He hadn’t wanted him to go to school, had hated that he spent half the day there instead of doing his job. Wes hadn’t even allowed him to talk about his school life around him! If he had cared about his education at all, he would know that he had been on the honor roll every single year! Why the hell did he care now? And yet, hearing Wes say that he was proud of him, not for a good blow job or getting more money than Wes had negotiated, but for something that Duo actually thought mattered, made a strange, painful warmth blossom in his chest.  
     If Wes had said those things more often, ‘I love you,’ ‘I’m proud of you’ … even with the rapes and sex training, he didn’t think he ever would have tried to run away, because as terrible as being a whore had been for him, the worst had been the coldness, how uncaring Wes had been with him as a child. It seemed like such a little thing, being comforted, hearing someone say that they were proud of you, he had always thought that those things were worthless, that he could survive anything and that was all that mattered. Just continuing on, by yourself. Then, he had met Name and realized how powerful those ‘little’ things were. Every time he was sad and hurt, Name was there holding him, stroking his hair, and telling him that everything was going to be alright. The mature part of him that was so used to things going wrong and being alone scoffed at that, but the child inside of him, the one that was stunted and hadn’t quite grown up believed her every time and somehow, that belief made the hurt better.  
    Name said that she was proud of him all the time. He had thought that the repetition of that would make the happiness he felt when she said that diminish, but it never had. When she said that, it always seemed to validate him. He would work hard to get better grades, to fight against his fears and insecurities, and if he succeeded, that was great, but it wasn’t until she said that she was proud of him that he truly felt confident about those successes. When he had been hurt and depressed, and had been looking for some comfort before he had met Name, Wes had either completely ignored him or punished him, then told him to stop being so pathetic, that he needed to grow up. When Name had hugged him, the hurt had gone away and he had felt… cleansed or something. With Wes, that hurt had been pushed down deep inside of him where it had festered and grown, turning into something truly dark and terrible, like a disease.   
    But yet, Wes hadn’t _always_ ignored him. Sometimes, if Duo had been really sore or tired, he had given him a few hours off. After harsh wax play, or when a customer had whipped him too hard or cut him too much if they had been into blood, Wes would put lotion on his wounds, which had soothed him a little. When he had been younger, Wes had sometimes, wordlessly, tucked him in. They had all been tiny things, and never what Duo had really needed from him, but they had been more than what Wes had had to have done with him. He was pretty sure pimps didn’t wash their whores’ backs for them because their arms were too sore from being tied up above their heads for five hours straight to reach. But he also knew that if he had skinned his knees around Name as a child, she would have swept him up into her arms and rocked him. She would have let him cry without hitting him, would have cared and comforted him. She would have given him what he had needed, what Wes, who claimed to love him, had always refused to do. Duo glared up at the man. He might be conflicted about what their relationship meant, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t bitter.  
    “The cops are going to find me eventually,” Duo snapped at him, “That guy in the car had to have seen you take me, he’s called the cops by now. And once Name finds out that I’m gone, she’ll tell them who you are, what you’ve done. There’s no way you’re going to get out of this, Wes.”  
    Wes stood quickly out of the chair and Duo flinched, tugging painfully on the handcuffs, thinking that he was going to get kicked again, or worse, but the blonde man just kneeled down in front of him, looking smug, and far too close for Duo’s comfort.  
    “You’ve been living with that bull bitch for too long,” Wes sneered, “You think that living with those stuck up shits made you privileged, too? You’ve forgotten. People don’t give a shit about each other. The only reason why the bitch took you in was to look good. Just another Yuy charity case, how cute, like a politician taking in a stray mutt. But sooner or later, they always have the mutt put down or take it back to the street, as soon as no one is looking. No cops are coming looking for you. Like I said, I took care of it. That man didn’t call anyone to help you and the bitch isn’t going to find you. That little Japanese brat made you forget how the world really works, I guess I’m going to have to re-teach you a lot of things.”  
    Wes reached up and grabbed Duo’s cell phone from the table, dangling it in front of Duo’s face. Duo looked at it like it was a lifeline. If only his hands were free, he could make sure it was on… if only he knew that it was on, then he knew that the GPS was working. Even if Wes turned it off or it ran out of power, the tracker would record the last place he was at and Name could track it. Wes caught the way that Duo was watching the cell phone desperately and his smirk widened. He stood back up and dropped the phone to the floor. Duo watched in horror, his face turning white as the grey eyed man crushed the phone under his boot, the display shattering and the device made a startling noise as it was destroyed. Duo felt his stomach tremble in disbelief, tears pricking his eyes. It was gone… the GPS… the only way he could contact his mom… there was nothing he could do now, except try to escape all on his own. He was alone.  
    “I’m not Chris,” Wes looked down at Duo, his grey eyes like cold stone, “I’m not stupid. I know how you escaped in Boston.”  
    Wes kneeled down again and was suddenly much closer than before. Duo flinched harshly as the man reached out and curled his fingers around his cheek, bringing their faces closer together. The metal cuffs bit into his wrists, drawing a tiny amount of blood.   
    “Not that I’m complaining,” the blonde murmured, “If the phone hadn’t been bugged, you’d be dead right now. When I told Chris not to kill you, I assumed he’d be smart enough to realize I wanted you alive, not that I just didn’t want _him_ to do it. I suppose I owe the bitch, don’t I?” he looked Duo up and down slowly in a way that Duo was more than used to, and it made his insides squirm, “Not only did she get you out of there, she’s been taking real good care of you, hasn’t she? You look… good.”  
    Wes leaned in until their lips were just barely touching. Duo knew that if he darted his tongue out, he could taste the man’s salty skin. He could feel his warm breath washing over him and smell him. That smell was strangely intoxicating, not that it smelled good, but it made him tremble, his body incapable of deciding if he should be terrified or take this as something normal, something that had happened a thousand times before.   
    “I may owe her,” Wes said softly, “but you owe me. If I hadn’t called, Chris would have slit your prettily little throat.”  
    Wes’ large hand traveled down his cheek to his neck. Duo felt his fingers trace the faint scar that went across his throat from when Chris had cut him, making Duo shiver. The touch was strange, it was light and barely there, so unlike Wes, but also clearly sexual.  
    “And we wouldn’t that, would we? You owe me a lot, kiddo, and you still dare to run away from me?”  
    Duo squeezed his eyes shut. He knew that. He knew that he owed Wes his life, but that didn’t mean that he had to just roll over for him. He owed Wes his life, but not his happiness, and certainly not his freedom. Still, fear overwhelmed him as he realized that he couldn’t bow to Wes. He might be conflicted, but not about this. He could either obey or fight back. When he saw Heero again, what would he tell him? That he did everything he was told because it was what he had always done, or that he had finally gotten some balls to become a human instead of a dog? Duo, though he felt like his entire body was shaking in terror, glared up at Wes, his violet eyes clashing with the blonde’s stony ones.  
    “I used to believe that,” he said with a strangely firm tone, “I’m not so sure anymore.”  
    Hadn’t Heero said that? He didn’t owe Wes his life. Wes had fucked up his life. According to Heero, he didn’t owe Wes _shit_ , and that sat with him a lot better than Wes’ belief that Duo owed him everything. Wes’ expression darkened and Duo instantly knew that saying that had probably not been the smartest thing to do, but it had given him a sliver of much needed pride. It was even worse when Wes regained his smile. That was when Duo knew he wasn’t going to get out of this situation whole, no matter what he did.   
    “I’ve owned your ass since you were seven years old,” Wes said with a cruel smirk, “Do you really think that just because you ran off to play house with that blue-eyed mutt that that’s changed?”  
    Duo didn’t know why he said it, but before he could stop it, it slipped out. Maybe he was just pissed at being reminded of Wes’ assumption that he was nothing more than a slave and should be grateful, or the reminder of how Wes had destroyed his childhood. Or maybe he was pissed at Wes’ slur against Heero, but even as he opened his mouth, he knew he was screwed.  
    “Fuck you, Wes,” he snarled, then resumed to turning white as a sheet, realizing what he had just said.  
    Wes narrowed his eyes at the boy he had kidnapped, then reached up by Duo’s hands and slammed his fist into the bar holding the handcuffs up. The bar shattered and Duo gasped, partially in remember just how strong Wes was, partially in shock, and partially in pain and the bar smashed against his hands, leaving dark bruises and a few splinters imbedded in his wrists. He didn’t have the time to even realize that his hands were free of the bar before Wes grabbed the very short chain on the handcuffs and dragged Duo’s smaller body across the kitchen floor by his wrists.  
    “Let me go!” Duo yelled, thrashing as hard as he could as he was dragged into the hallway, his shirt pushed up as they hit carpet, the material leaving red marks on his pale back.  
    Wes didn’t seem fazed at all by Duo’s pitiful attempts to get free, his grip on the chain strong and steady, and continued to drag him. Duo kicked at the carpet, trying to get some kind of leverage, but he wasn’t even wearing shoes anymore and Wes was too strong, was dragging him too fast. He knew that screaming and fighting wasn’t going to do anything, he was going wherever Wes wanted him to go, but he couldn’t help it. He felt like a little bunny rabbit in a hunter’s trap and all he could do was thrash around and make noise. It was better than just accepting how powerless he was. Suddenly, Wes stopped dragging him as they reached the hallway closet that was next to Wes’ room and Duo realized what he was going to do.  
    ‘No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not the dark, not the dark, please, _please_ , not the dark!’  
    Wes opened the closet door and threw Duo inside. The longhaired boy cried out as his back hit the back wall of the small closet and he crumpled to the ground. He got to his feet as quickly as he could, but Wes was already closing the door. The sound of him locking it was chilling. There was no light in the closet, making Duo blind as he threw himself against the door, beating at it with his bound hands. He screamed wordlessly as the door didn’t even budge, continuing to pound against it. He couldn’t hear Wes outside. It was quiet, completely quiet. The closet was small, just seven to eight feet tall, not even five feet wide. If Duo could spread both his arms out, he could touch the sides, but in the dark, he felt out in the open, exposed, and lost.   
  
Very, very lost.   
  
  
End Part 7  
      
  
  
  
(1) There are two ways of saying mother. The first, okaa-san, is used to refer to other people’s mothers and is a more formal way to address one’s own mother. Haha-san is kind of the equivalent of ‘Mom’ instead of ‘Mother’. And once again with the suffixes: sama is the most respectful, san is like Mr., kun is used among boys who are friendly with each other, and chan is used as kind of a cutesy address and is mostly used among girls and children.


	54. The Second Son Part 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kidnapped by Wes and his one chance at rescue destroyed, Duo must find a way to survive not only Wes, but his memories and his PTSD. When Wes offers him everything, including the safety of his friends, Duo must find the strength of will to defy him. But does he really want to?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 8  
  
  
  
  
 _Darkness… everywhere darkness… it was surrounding him, choking him, he could feel it in his chest. He couldn’t move, not because of the chains holding him, but because of the poison pumping in his veins. He couldn’t see anything, but he could feel cold, only because of the warmth at his back. That body warmth made the iciness of the room, his nakedness, and the chains all the worse. Though there were no hands touching him now, he knew that they were return. They would make it hurt. They would make him feel dirty. What was worse… those hands on his skin, making him feel like he should rip his throat out with his nails, or this… this loneliness, lying in the dark without anyone speaking to him, anyone touching him. He was alone… he was always alone, from the day he had been born. And now, the slightest touch was as painful as a blow. Because it wasn’t what he wanted. On the surface, the caress of one of those strange men was similar to the feel of Heero’s hand on his, but it wasn’t. What he wanted, he couldn’t have. Not ever again._  
      
  
    Duo sunk to his knees in the dark closet, the fight suddenly leaving him as the memories of the dark room, only a few feet from the closet, came back to him in a rush, that feeling of isolation, of being reduced to a thing, not even an animal, just an object to be tossed around. He remembered how dirty he had felt, how with each injection of KL6, a little bit of his mind had slipped away. He was back there, only he could move around a little. Still… still in the dark… the metal of the cuffs made a haunting, scraping sound against the wood of the door as he fell, sobs pouring out of his throat as his situation suddenly bore down at him all at once. He might never see Heero again. Just like before.  
    Everything felt wrong. His mind was numb and hazy, his thoughts hyper and buzzing, giving him a headache. He felt as though someone had scraped him out empty, then had re-filled him only with fear. He had forgotten how that felt like. Somehow, he had forgotten the one thing that he had thought would stay with him forever. When Wes had attacked him at his job, and afterwards, Duo had been so frightened and paranoid about him trying to kidnap him, he had thought that that was the worst kind of fear. He had even thought that he wished that Wes would try something, because it was the waiting that made the fear so bad. But that fear hadn’t even touched on this feeling in his heart and stomach.  
    Every day he had spent with Wes, he had lived with that fear. And he had forgotten it, had forgotten what it felt like. He would give anything to return to that night when Wes had shot him, to return to that fear and paranoia, to be blissfully ignorant of this rapid terror, eating away at his insides. The fear that he might never see his family again, the fear that he might go back to his old life, the fear of Wes, of how crazy he was, of how unpredictable he was. Would he kill him? Rape him? Torture him? Every day of his life, before he had met Heero, he had always thought that he was at the height of pain, that there was no way it could ever get worse. And every day, life, and Wes, had proven him wrong. He had thought that starving had been bad, then he had lost Sister Helen. He had thought that being stalked by the pissed off ex-leader of White Fang had been frightening, then he had met Wes.  
    And then, he had believed, after all the years of training to be a whore, after all the abuse Wes had put him through, that he would never feel any sort of pain worse than that. Then, he had met Heero. And he had lost Heero. He had survived all sorts of things in his life; cuts, burns, tears, being shocked, whipped, beaten, near starvation, being shot… no matter the pain, he had survived. So, it was ironic that the thing that had brought him the lowest had had nothing to do with Wes. The greatest fear he had now, locked in this dark closet, wasn’t the amount of pain Wes was going to put him through. It wasn’t even how nuts Wes was, if he was going to kill him for leaving him. It was the thought that he might never see his best friend again.  
    Duo didn’t know what was worse about this situation, the things that had stayed the same or the things that had changed. He was in the same place, with the same man, who was just as powerful and cruel as he had always been, but Wes was different. The first time he had run away, Wes had smashed his head into the floor and cut up the bottoms of his feet. The second time, Wes had taken away his freedom and sanity. That first time Wes had raped him, drugged up and bleeding on the man’s bed, Wes had told him that if he fought against him, if he tried to run away, Wes would hurt him. If he kept trying to fight against him, again and again, Wes would kill him. He should be dead right now. Wes should have shot him in the woods, just out of the principal that Duo had, once again, run away from him.   
    Hell, Wes should have killed him regardless of that. He had been gone from the man from months, had never tried to come back to him. That had to have pissed Wes off. It obviously had, if he had sent Chris after him. But then he shouldn’t have changed his mind. He should have gone through with it, not because Duo had disobeyed, but because he knew things. He knew where Wes lived, the people he had killed, the kids he used to sell his drugs, all the pimps he worked with, the whores he kidnapped and trained. He even knew the names of some of the cops that Wes had in his pocket and the locations of some of the brothels he had set up. If Duo ever went to the cops, assuming that they weren’t dirty, Wes and a lot of his partners would be in shit trouble. For that reason only, Wes should have killed him already.  
    But here he was, handcuffed in a tiny closet, anxious, agitated, and scared out of his mind, but mostly fine. It didn’t add up to the man he had lived with for seven years. Wes shouldn’t be acting this way, but he was and Duo couldn’t figure it out. He didn’t want to believe that it was simply because Wes had some weird, twisted feelings for him, because that would make him human. He didn’t want to believe that. He wanted to believe that Wes simply an amoral monster that did whatever he wanted on a whim that made no sense logically. Duo had changed, too, because he had fallen in love. Not just with Heero, but with Name and this new life, too.   
    He had been born empty. Wes had filled him with fear, and Name had emptied him out once more, only to fill him up with hope and love and gratitude. He didn’t want Wes to have changed because he loved him, because that meant they had something in common. And if they had this one little thing alike, it brought the question to Duo’s mind of what else they had in common. What else had Wes raised into him? What if… what if Wes’ perversion, his violence was deep inside of him as well, just waiting for the right moment to come out?  
    The closet door opened suddenly, if Duo had been leaning against the door he would have fallen out, and Wes appeared, a long length of silver wire in one hand. He grabbed Duo’s wrists below the cuffs in one hand and pulled him effortlessly to his feet. It startled Duo for a moment. He had nearly forgotten how strong Wes was, how easily one of his hands could trap both of his own. Duo had gained quite a bit of healthy weight since Wes had manhandled him like this, but compared to the tall blonde’s strength and size, he still felt like a tiny rag doll. Wes took a key out of his pant’s pocket and unlocked the cuffs, tugging them off of Duo, but with Wes’ hand around his wrists, he was just as much trapped. Duo winced as the blonde man wrapped the wire around his wrists, binding them tightly. The metal wire bit sharply into his wrists, just an inch away from drawing blood. There was a lot of slack of the wire and Duo knew exactly what Wes was going to do.  
    “Wes-,” he tried to plead, but then the tall man was wrapping the wire around a bar above Duo’s head.  
    Wes pulled the length of the wire down with a jerk, pulling Duo’s arms so far above his head, only the front soles of his feet stayed on the carpeted floor, then tied the slack off around his captive’s pale arms. Duo gasped out in pain as his body was stretched upward, his scars from when he had had his spleen removed, which still ached every now and then and was very tender, stretching, too, giving him this strange pulling sensation in his side. He struggled, trying to pull down on the wire enough to give his right side some relief, but it only made the wire tighter. Wes’ grey eyes narrowed a tiny bit as he caught the way Duo was favoring his right side. Wes put his hand over the scar through his shirt and experimentally squeezed Duo’s side.  
    Duo’s violet eyes opened wide as intense pain ripped through his side and he screamed, a tear falling down his cheek from the agony radiating from his surgical scars. The way Wes grabbed him was identical to what Chris had done, which had caused his spleen to burst in the first place. The pain made him thrash in his bonds and through the haze, he could feel the wires slice into his skin. The feeling of hot blood dripping down his arms made a strange contrast to the cold wire. Wes immediately released Duo’s side when Duo screamed, then brushed his knuckles over Duo’s cheek, wiping up the tear.   
    “I’m sorry,” Duo heard Wes murmur in his ear.  
    Duo slid his eyes shut as he heard those words. He could feel his heart trembling and silent tears started to pour down. Wes never said he was sorry, not for anything, let alone for causing pain. His stomach felt funny, like it was fluttering, like he was about to be sick. Wes shouldn’t be sorry. He wasn’t _supposed_ to be sorry! He didn’t have that right… he was the one who had hurt him to begin with. He was just fucking with his mind again, he was sure of that. So why did his heart hurt? Why did he suddenly have this strange impulse to press himself closely to Wes’ body, the way he would if Name hugged him? He hated him. He hated him, hated him, hated him! He hated that he had to feel this way towards the same person who continuously hurt him! But some part of him yearned for it, for some kind affection from this man.   
    Wes’ hand moved and Duo flinched, but he just cupped his cheek and used his thumb to wipe his tears away.  
    “I love you,” the blonde said and the sincerity in his tone, something Duo had only ever heard when Wes had been threatening him with something, made the truth drive into Duo’s heart like metal spike.  
    Wes loved him. He couldn’t deny that anymore, he realized. He couldn’t rationalize it away as a mistake or a lie. Wes truly believed that he was in love with him. He had done all this, not to punish him for running away or disobeying him, but because he wanted him back. He was willing to kill in order to do that, was willing to put himself in danger for it. That weak part of him warmed hearing those words. That part of him screamed at him to forgive the man, that as long as Wes loved him, he should always forgive him. He felt like his heart was tearing into two between wanting to let Wes love him, and being too terrified about what that meant, too scared about what those words were doing to him, emotionally and mentally. He was breaking down. With only three words, Wes was destroying everything again, all his confidence, all his resolve.  
    Wes leaned forward and pressed his lips against Duo’s. Duo nearly grimaced, preparing himself for this moment. He knew that Wes was going to fuck him. When they had lived together, they had had sex once a day, at the very least. Wes had an intense sex drive and they hadn’t been together for months. But this kiss startled him. Wes’ kisses were always rough, possessive. He somehow managed to make you feel like he was raping you, just with lips and tongue. Sometimes he bit and drew blood. The only way to really describe it was that it wasn’t so much a kiss as an attempt to dominate. And Wes, no matter who was involved, always dominated. The only person Duo had ever met who had that kind of pure presence was Name, but she didn’t need his cruel violence, just her voice. Name could be the kindest, warmest person, but when her voice went low and cold, you listened. Wes was the same way. If the two of them met, Duo had no idea who would come out on top.   
    But this kiss wasn’t like that. Wes didn’t try to slip his tongue into his mouth like he usually did, or nip his lips or any of that. His lips were soft against his and the kiss, though wet, was slow and gentle. In their seven year history, Wes had never kissed him like that. To his knowledge, the man had never kissed anyone like that. It… it felt good. All warmth and affection. No violence. With his arms strung up with sharp wire, that kiss was comforting and nice, like how Heero’s arms felt when they wrapped around him when he was upset. He hated that comparison, but it was there. When Wes’ lips left his, he felt abandoned, cold. That twisted part of himself cried out at the absence and wanted Wes to kiss him again, while Wes’ sudden affection made him feel kind of sick inside.  
    He wasn’t sure why, but the blonde’s intimacy with him sent him reeling. Maybe it was because he was so unused to it. Maybe it was because he had wanted Wes to be like this since he was a kid, so getting it now when he was trying so hard to sever ties with Wes was painful and confusing. Or maybe it was because he was having such a hard time deciding if the kiss was good or bad, that his arousal by it was sick or obvious. If he thought about it real hard, his… relationship with Wes had always confused him. Half of the time, Wes was like his father, the other half, his lover. Wes had taught him how to make his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the exact same day he had taught him how to masturbate seductively. In his mind, he called Wes his father, but it that were true, he would have to ignore all the times that Wes had forced arousal onto him. He would have to ignore his own sexuality and how this kiss made him feel. Duo was gay. He had known that since he was twelve years old.   
    He had gotten erections when he had been younger. It had been one of the first things Wes had taught his body to do, to get aroused by what a john did to him. Most of those men had gotten off on forcing him to do whatever they wanted, but had gotten annoyed if he wasn’t ‘enjoying himself’, too. Duo had never really understood that. Being raped hurt. Even when there wasn’t physical pain, it wasn’t a pleasant thing and he couldn’t understand men who fantasized raping defenseless people like him, only to get angry when they didn’t enjoy it. Wes, at least, had understood it and hadn’t really seemed offended if Duo hadn’t gotten hard from the stuff he had done to him.  
    More often than not, Wes had forced his body to like it. He had even seemed to get some sick amusement from making him orgasm. It had been like a game to him. Duo, as he had gotten older, had slowly realized that it hadn’t really meant anything. Just stimulation, added with the fact that he had never really been touched, let alone that way, before. Some lonely part of him hadn’t hated it. The context of a caress had always made him squirm, but the touch itself hadn’t always been bad. He had realized that his arousals had been pretty much involuntary, but that realization hadn’t changed the self-disgust and hatred he had felt every time Wes had gotten him off.  
    So, despite his getting aroused when Wes or some other man had been inside of him, Duo had never had anything to compare it to. He had never been able to really define what he was. Sex had just been a job to him, a childhood thing. He had never had sex with a woman, had never looked at anyone that way, so sex had remained in his mind this constant, strange thing. Something that other people did and worried about. He hadn’t even considered the possibility that he might be gay, or have any kind of sexuality at all, until one night after a long day of ‘working’.   
    It hadn’t been a john that had made him realize it, and sometimes he wondered if it would have embarrassed him less if it _had_ been one of his customers. Duo had gotten off of his last job and had been hanging out with Solo and the others. He had known them for two months at that point, but they had become close friends after just two weeks. They always met up at that same street corner and, somehow, even during a bad night, they always had food to eat, hot cider or milk or chocolate during the winter. It was strange to think about, or perhaps ironic, but even after all those years starving on the streets, during those nights, it had never been the promise of a free meal that had made him happy, but just knowing he had people to talk to, people that cared about him. That was a lot rarer than a free meal, someone in the world who gave a shit about what happened to him, about where his latest bruise had come from.  
    Duo liked to think that he had given them as much as they had given him, not because it was true but because it made him feel less guilty. That night, he had been helping Yuki and Shi play dress up in a public men‘s restroom. Shi had insisted that Duo should be relaxing, but it had made Duo feel a lot more useful helping them get ready for their next job than anything Wes made him do. Hi and Solo had both been with their own customers, while Alex and Aluxiel, having to don school-girl uniforms with all the necessary lingerie, had gone to the girl’s bathroom. If any guys saw the two of them leave the men’s room, it would have been obvious and gotten them assaulted, but two cute sisters hanging out together late at night wasn’t entirely suspicious.   
    Amaaya had been on lookout duty outside of the restroom. Initially, she had wanted to change with them, but Shi had kicked her out, saying that she was going to make him feel self-conscious, complete with a playful leer that she had smacked him on the shoulder for. Their relationship had always seemed weird to Duo. Most of the time, they acted like a bratty brother and sister, but every now and then, Duo realized that Shi might have a crush on the Japanese-Italian girl, but, unlike a lot of guys, was smart enough to know that hitting on a lesbian wasn’t sexy, it was just plain stupid. Not to mention humiliating.   
    Duo had mostly been in that restroom with the two of them to help Yuki. He thought that Shi just really wanted some company. That was the strange thing about the tall blonde. He acted so tough and independent, but he seemed so lonely and clingy if you watched him closely. Like a little boy at a fancy party, surrounded by strangers, desperately looking for his mother. Shi had always been a strange mixture of adult and child to him, but he supposed that they all had been like that, forced to grow up too quickly to let go of their childish personalities and desires. The red-eyed man had been chatty that night, his last customer having a penchant for getting him drunk right before sex, but Shi held his alcohol well and had just been slightly hyper.   
    Yuki had been silent, as always, but had worn an affectionate little smile, barely there at all, listening to Shi talk about the different, ridiculous kinds of underwear his customers wore, prompted by his previous john’s strange love for Hershey kiss patterned boxers. It had been such a long time ago, but Duo’s memory, usually so fuzzy and full of holes, had taken a permanent snapshot of the way Yuki had looked that night. Duo had shown up after Amaaya and Shi had helped the Japanese boy with his hair, but it must have taken a long time. His long black hair, usually free falling down his back, had been done up in this elegant style on his head, held by an oriental-looking, ornamental comb.   
    Yuki’s customer liked it when he wore older Japanese clothing, so he had settled on some kind of heavy, long kimono that Duo now forgot the name for, but had seemed terribly elaborate and complicated to him. Just in wrapping the obi around Yuki‘s slim waist, Duo had realized that there was no way one person could put the outfit on by themselves. It had taken him forever to get everything tucked and tied, even with Yuki’s patient instructions. If someone were to ask him now how to do it, he wouldn’t be able to get through step one. The one thing he remembered the most about it was thinking of how pretty the back of Yuki’s thin neck had looked, how graceful the black eyed boy had walked, even with all that material weighing him down. It made his chest hurt, remembering his dead friend that way.  
    Then, Duo remembered very distinctly, he had noticed around Yuki that Shi was getting undressed, too. Shi’s outfit had been no where near as complicated as Yuki’s. His last customer had been into some kind of slumber party play, making him wear a white, button up top that was just loose enough on Shi to make it look like something he would sleep in. The top ended somewhere between the blonde’s rear and very upper thighs. With Shi’s long legs, Duo could only imagine in his mind how he might have looked, lounging on the hotel bed with only that shirt on and nothing else. Duo hardly ever had gotten requests for something like that, something sexy, but not degrading. He had gotten requests like the twins and Yuki, just old men wanting to screw someone illegally young, or just have the illusion that they were. At least Shi, at the end of it, had just been able to slip on a pair of jeans and go back out into public without looking like a pervert.   
    Duo couldn’t remember exactly what outfit Shi had been changing into that night, only that his next customer had been one of his female ones and she had had some kind of leather fetish, completely different from the john before her. Even when he had just started out being Wes’ whore, Duo had understood that being a prostitute was a lot like being an actor. Sure, there were men who spreading your legs for them was enough, but that was rare. Most of the guys Wes had sent him to had had some kind of fantasy they had wanted him to play out. They had all wanted him to pretend that he was someone that he wasn’t, had wanted him to dress up and play pretend. That had always been one of the worst things, something that had taken a long time for Wes to train into him. It was nearly impossible to act innocent or seductive when, inside, you just felt sick and scared.   
    Duo still remembered, quite vividly despite the years gone by, watching the sight of that white shirt slipping down Shi’s wide shoulders. Of course he had seen a man’s naked back before, but there had been something about this one moment, watching Shi undress, that had left him transfixed; the way his muscles moved as he tossed the shirt off to the side, the shape of his shoulder blades… his back had been pale and flawless, his long, golden hair swept over one shoulder. He had never really looked at a man’s back like that before, with such interest and intensity. It had been beautiful, in a way that he had never seen a part of the body as beautiful before. He had certainly never looked at any girl that way.  
    He hadn’t gotten aroused by it. Maybe he had been too young, or too haunted, but he had been easily attracted to the sight. Duo supposed that made all the difference. Wes had forced him to be aroused, but never in his life had Duo ever been attracted to anything or anyone. And it had made him feel ashamed, embarrassed, even more than Wes forcing his body to like being raped by him, because Shi was his friend. It hadn’t been like he had wanted to have sex with the tall blonde. That would have been like wanting your big brother. It had just been one moment, a glimmer of interest and desire, his very first. But it had left him feeling dirty, like how wanting Heero felt sometimes. Sex hurt and had always made him feel worthless. The entire time he had been with Wes, he had hated all those men who looked at him just as a way to get off and he had equated them with how he had looked at Shi. To see one of his best friends like that… it had disgusted him.   
    It wouldn’t have taken a genius to figure out that he was gay. Even at that age, he was sure that no straight boy got attracted to a masculine back. Still, he had waited for another moment to come, for him to see a girl like that. It never did. A part of him had hoped that he would be given some proof that he was straight, but it had just been that part of him that had yearned for normalcy; a family, a home, that stupid ‘American Dream’. But, when he really thought about, his sexuality had nothing to do with that dream. Even at the tender age of twelve he had understood it. If he was straight, his life was still shit. And gay guys had a much better chance at a normal life than he ever would. In a way, he had been lucky. He had already spent five years with Wes, being trained on how to pleasure a man. Two guys having sex had been normal to him.   
    Duo had never gone through that period that most homosexuals did, questioning their sexuality, wondering if it was wrong and how the people around him would treat him if they knew. Wes wouldn’t have given a shit if he was gay, bi, straight, trans, or into bestiality, as long as he had done what he was told. When he had realized what he was, Duo had accepted it easily as fact, not as something he should change or something he should be ashamed of. If he had been ashamed, it had only been because he had been forced to question if he had been born this way, it was a self-defense mechanism, or Wes’ lifestyle had made him this way. If he was gay, did he like being a whore for other men? Should he be ashamed of that? He still didn’t know what to think about it.  
    And what he felt for Heero… it was complicated. The first time they had met had been far from ideal. He had been just coming down from a bought of pneumonia which had caused him to miss three days of school. He didn’t know if he had gotten it from standing in the cold or one of his customers, but with the way he had lived back then, the stress Wes had put him through, the lack of heat and healthy, abundant food, and no health insurance, it had hit him hard. The only good thing that had come from it was that it was so contagious, Wes hadn’t wanted him to infect any of his customers, so he had just had to do some chores around the house, but when Wes had left to do whatever it was that he did, Duo had spent the entire time sleeping. And as soon as he had finally gotten back to school, he had learned that, if it hadn’t been for Mr. Khushrenada’s kindness, he would have been expelled.  
    So, although he had been hearing gossip from his classmates that _the_ Heero Yuy was coming to their school, a boy whose status even an isolated person like him had been aware of, he had been too stressed about Khushrenada’s news that, if he missed even one more class, he would be expelled, to really care about some rich boy moving to their town. St. Peter’s was a moderately large town with a population of mostly poor to ‘middle’ class residents, since there wasn’t a whole lot of industry here. Some factories, small businesses, cheap hotels, and a few restaurants, no place that let any of their employees get rich or opened a whole lot of doors, so having someone anywhere near Heero’s wealth move in had been huge news, but not for Duo.  
    For one, Duo had lived his entire life in this town and he knew that one really rich family moving in wasn’t going to change anything. In St. Peter’s, nothing really changed. In between that fact and the lack of money pouring into their community had turned the town into a breeding ground for people like Wes. People who could make a profit by preying on those that needed something desperately; money, safety, drugs, sex… it wasn’t that St. Peter’s was a ghetto or black pit, just that the people in charge were easily bought and there really wasn’t anyone who cared enough to blow the whistle and if they did, they weren’t powerful enough to dodge a bullet.   
    Sure, there were rich people who lived here, but they didn’t give enough of a shit to make things better. They lived in their fenced in houses on their own side of town and lived their own, separate lives, pretending that there weren’t any whores or gangs or drug dealers that shopped in the same grocery stores that they did, saw the same doctors at the same hospital, the only hospital in town. Duo had been sure that the Yuy’s wouldn’t be any different. Richer and more powerful, but just as blind or ignorant.   
    He had met rich men before, had sucked their cocks along with all the other guys who had just enough money to pay for him. The only difference he had ever really seen between them was their attitudes. It seemed like, the richer the man was, the more arrogant and self-important he had been, as though he had been doing Duo a favor by fucking him. All his johns had looked down on him in some way, but for some reason that those men saw him as pathetic just because he was being forced to whore himself to survive had always angered him.   
    So, when Heero had walked into his class that day, he had been thoroughly uninterested and unimpressed, just trying to get through his week without having some sort of mental breakdown. Then, the boy that he had heard all the gossip about, who had been ignoring the rest of their classmates with a superior smirk, had suddenly decided to pay attention to _him_. He hadn’t been sure if he should be just shocked or start looking for a place to hide. Probably both. But he had only thought those things _after_ he had stopped being completely memorized and rendered speechless by those dark blue eyes.   
    For the first time since that night watching one of his best friends undress, Duo had felt… that _something_. That strange heat in his heart, being enthralled by something physical, but also something unique. Something that he couldn’t quite understand because he felt it so rarely. And really, he would have had to have been dead to not have seen how attractive Heero was. His wild, chocolate brown hair, the golden tone of his skin, his height, intriguing given his distinct Japanese features, no doubt a gift from his father, a man that Duo truly wished he could have met, just like those smoldering blue eyes. Then, Heero had looked at him with that snide expression and his interest had evaporated. At least that was one good thing he could say about his sexuality, that he wasn’t shallow.   
    He had immediately dismissed the Japanese boy after their initial meeting, especially when he noticed Heero talking with Zechs, Zechs acting like he knew him and they should be friends. He knew now that Zechs had recognized Heero as his sister’s ex-fiancée, while Heero hadn’t realized that they had met before. When Heero had accused him of judging him before he had even known him, he had been right. He had done the exact thing he had hated about his classmates. He hadn’t even been willing to give him a chance, so sure that Heero was going to be the next bully in his life.  
    The fact of his world was that most people were like Zechs. When they wanted something and were denied, they hit and pushed and did everything to make you miserable. Instead, Heero had promised to change his mind and had given him his French fries. He had never met someone like that, someone so far removed from his own life. There was so much of Heero that he had fallen in love with. He didn’t want to call it that, he wanted to believe that it was just because he had never met someone with that much kindness, that he was just mistaking feelings of friendship for love because he didn’t really know what love was _supposed_ to feel like. Because… even before Name had taken him in, Heero had been like no one he had ever met.  
    Duo didn’t care how rich Heero was, it took guts for a teenager to try to make friends with someone that the rest of their school viewed as a plague. It wasn’t just that Heero could have had anyone as his friend, he had been so nice, so caring, even back when they had barely known each other. When they had first met, he had pegged Heero as this pompous jerk, only to realize that there was something else deep inside, this incredible warmth. Was it really such a shock that he had fallen so hard for him? Heero trusted him. He had let him, a stranger, into his home, without any suspicion. Heero wasn’t an idiot, he had to have known that there would be kids at his new school that wanted to get close to a Yuy, yet he had let him sleep in his room without really asking why Duo refused to talk about his own family life.  
    Even more amazing, Duo trusted Heero. He had no reason, no capacity left in his heart to trust anyone, but after that first sleepover, he had lost all fear of the other boy. It had been a stupid thing to do, considering the damage Heero could have done to him. He should have guarded himself, not just because Name could have found out about him and made his life a living hell, but guarded his heart. If he had to pin down a reason why he had fallen in love with Heero, it had to be that the blue eyed boy did the one thing no one in his entire life had ever done… he had respected him.  
    When Duo had told him something embarrassing, Heero had listened and understood instead of making fun of him. When Heero had asked him something that Duo didn’t want to answer, he had backed off. He had given him his own personal space and had treated him like an equal. He might lie to himself that his feelings were just that of friendship, because that was easier than trying to understand what this intense need was, but he knew that that was far from the truth. If he lost Trowa or Shi, he would be devastated, but he would live on. If he lost Heero… the pain of that possibility was so severe that he couldn’t even finish the thought of it! He was certain that you didn’t feel that way for a friend, even a friend who had saved your life so many times.      
    And then there was this, the feeling of Wes’ lips on his own. All he could think about was how much he wished that he could have this with Heero. His heart was torn in two, hating that wish and burning in desire for it. He shouldn’t want Heero that way, it was wrong, that part of him screamed. Heero had given him so much, and Duo felt like a pervert wanting to know what it would feel like, having his best friend kiss him. It hurt. Loving him like that, it physically made his chest hurt. Because he didn’t know what those feelings meant. He had always believed that love was a lie, that sex, the way that you saw it in pornography and in movies was just an illusion. Sex hurt and it only felt good if you were on top. He had grown up truly believing that.  
    And then he had fallen in love himself. He knew how it felt, having that person hurt you emotionally, and how that was so much worse than anything they could physically do to you. He understood all those dumb love songs now. But he still didn’t know what it meant. What was love supposed to look like? What was he supposed to do with this feeling? Just let it rot inside of him, tell Heero about it? He thought he would probably die of shame if he did. All those mean little voices inside of him told him that there was no way a boy like Heero could possibly feel this passion, this desire for someone like him. They were best friends, and that alone was a miracle. How could he possibly wish for more than that?  
    And then there was Wes. Wes he understood, at least a lot more than he understood this desire. It was wrong to compare the two of them. Heero was wonderful and Wes was a monster. But he couldn’t help it. He felt like he was being torn between the two of them, the one he could have and the one he really wanted. Wes said that he loved him and now… this kiss was nice. Heero… he would probably never know what Heero’s lips felt like, if his kiss would be anything like Wes’. That realization created a deep despair in his heart and all the parts of him that yearned for love like a thirsty man in a desert demanded that he let Wes do whatever he wanted. If he could get just the slightest taste of someone’s love for him, he should take it.   
    But his love for Heero turned the kiss into something revolting. It screamed at him that the choice should be obvious. Because somewhere inside he knew the truth. He could never love Wes like he loved Heero. He might love him, in some sick and twisted way, and they might be forever connected in a way that would haunt him for the rest of his life, but as conflicted as he was about his feelings for Heero, he just couldn’t deny that those feelings were brighter. They made him feel good and wrong at the same time, but the wrong was so much less than the wrong of letting Wes love him, of falling into him like a scared little child. No matter how he felt about Wes, he knew he could never compare to Heero. In his brightest dreams and fantasies, it was Heero’s arms that he was in, not Wes’.  
    The feeling of Wes’ lips leaving his, giving him this strange sensation of painful emptiness, snapped him back to reality. He had been so lost in his strange, rapidly changing thoughts that he hadn’t felt Wes’ hand creep behind his head, tugging softly on his braid, or how the blood dripping down his arms had spread through the shoulder of his t-shirt, staining it red from the hem on the neck to the hem on the sleeve on the left side, making his skin feel wet and sticky. What the hell was wrong with him? Zoning out in a moment like this… he felt drugged. His mind was heavy and he felt like he was in a fog, those thoughts threatening to take him away again, to think about the friends he had left behind, the choices he needed to make… and, really, he understood it. Better to think about the past, better to lose track of reality listening to those buzzing, frantic thoughts than truly listen to his heart every time Wes’ skin touched his.  
    Duo felt his ex-pimp’s fingers grip the tie around the end the his braid, pulling on it. He held his breath, panic filling him. Yuki’s hair tie, the color midnight blue, a color that reminded him both of his dead friend and Heero. His heart clenched and Duo wasn’t sure what terrified him more, Wes touching his hair or him breaking the satiny tie. He had always hated that, his customers touching his hair. It was such a stupid thing to feel sensitive about. Wes had never threatened to cut off his hair, since he had always loved it, and really, if anyone _did_ cut it off, it would just grow back anyway. There were so many other things that those men could have broken or taken away from him that would never come back, but it had always made him squirm when they touched his braid or wanted his hair down. It just seemed… more personal some how. He didn’t even like anyone brushing his hair. Except for Heero.  
    Duo breathed again when he felt Wes untie the ribbon instead of tearing it, dropping it on the floor, then unwove his braid until his chestnut hair fell loosely, brushing against his bare, raised arms and tumbled over his stretched shoulders. Duo shuddered as Wes slipped both his hands under his white shirt, trailing up each side of his waist, up and around, over his back until his fingers were brushing over his shoulder blades. It was a weird, intimate feeling, like his body was being studied in a way that wasn’t clinical, almost worshipped. The inside of the closet was cold, but Wes’ hands on his skin were searing hot. The larger man pressed himself against his restrained body and Duo could feel the hard bulge of his erection against his leg. That was something that had always startled him, that Wes could get so aroused from him.   
    He could understand if he told him to touch him, to give him a blow job or any of that, or even from restraining or hurting him, but sometimes it was the little things, like when he let his hair down or his clothes were mussed from sleep. He had always assumed that Wes was one of those guys that could get it up the second they decided they wanted sex, that his libido was just insane. But now that the man had confessed to loving him, he had to wonder if he really _was_ like this all the time, or there was something about Duo that turned him on. If that was the case, he couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t like he was anything special, which just brought up the question again of why Wes thought he was in love with him, and why, out of all the people he had turned into his whores, why _he_ was living with him.  
    Duo knew for the fact that he wasn’t the only street kid Wes had kidnapped. He didn’t know what his pay grade was, if Duo had gotten a lot of more business than the others, but Wes had never actually complained, so he had to assume that he had done well for him. Still, he wasn’t like the twins or Yuki. He wasn’t beautiful like they were with their almost feminine looks, perfect skin, and graceful bodies. He was short, awkward, and despite his good grades, he wasn’t brilliant. He had to work hard to understand a lot of his school work. He didn’t have any talents and even with his recent change in confidence, he was still pretty meek. Sure, his hair was nice if he took care of it and his eyes were unusual, but so were Shi’s and his golden hair was probably a lot prettier than his chestnut.  
    “I missed you,” Wes said as he nuzzled the side of Duo’s slim neck.  
    Duo’s next intake of breath was sharp and unsteady as he felt the blonde’s tongue swipe over his neck, tasting his skin in a soft, slow stroke. Those words made something tighten around his heart. He almost whispered that he had missed Wes, too. It was what he wanted to hear, and it was far from a lie. He had missed Wes. Had missed the cologne he wore, the way he would touch him, how his fingers would dig into his skin, how sure and confident he had always been. That smell brought unpleasant memory, those touches always bruised and Wes was only confident because he had always had complete, utter control over him, but as terrible as those things were, he had missed them. They had dominated over his life and without them, he had felt empty.   
    Only, he could never admit to that out loud. Would never tell Heero just how lost and alone he had felt in that hospital bed. Because as much as he hated Wes, he had never had anything else. But he couldn’t tell Wes how much he had missed him, because some part of himself told him that if he said it out loud, that would make it more real. And he knew that that was too dangerous, especially right now. But those words confused him and hurt him because that part of him that loved Wes didn’t want to know that his actions, his desperate need to get away from the abuse and darkness, had hurt him. Was it that he didn’t want to hurt someone that he loved, even if that love seemed so psychotic right now, or was it that hurting someone that had hurt him so much seemed strange, like it had given him some power that terrified him to possess?  
    Wes cupped his face, his thumb tracing over where the frames of his glasses would have been.  
    “Contacts,” he murmured, “I like them. It’s a good look for you. Nothing should get in the way of these eyes.”  
    Duo’s nearly blushed at Wes’ heated tone as those grey eyes examined his own. He wanted to yell at him that the contacts were because of Heero, the boy that he hated so much. If it hadn’t been for him, he would still be wearing those stupid, broken glasses of his that had just barely helped his vision. Which Wes had damaged in the first place. That memory of feeling his head smash into the floor, pain flaring up like a storm, only to open his eyes and see blurry colors that had never gone away like he had been expecting them to, made his stomach twist in anxiety and anger.      
    Wes’ hands traveled down his back, to his jeans. Duo felt those hands unbuckle the belt holding his jeans up and push them down his legs. Something sickening settled in his stomach, something that was hot and cold at the same time, something that was like fear but worse. It should have hit him before now. Why hadn’t he thought of it? Why hadn’t he realized it? It was so obvious, so predictable that he could only claim that he had been in denial, trying to force it away from his mind. Wes was going to rape him, again. Just like Chris had. Was it just because he felt so far removed from his old life sometimes? Back then, Wes having sex with him had not been some cosmic event, but now that realization seemed so powerful. How long had it been since Boston, how many months?   
    He hadn’t been in this situation since Chris had damaged him so badly. His body had healed but his mind hadn’t, probably never would, and the thought of being violated again, after trying to succumb to the promise that he was finally free from that, was painful. It felt wrong. But he should have seen it coming. Wasn’t this the whole point, the whole reason why Wes had kidnapped him? He couldn’t let him go, and he couldn’t stop. They would just repeat this same dance over and over and over again until one of them died. Wes would rape him and Duo would bear it. He wouldn’t even fight back because what was the point of that? It wasn’t that he knew that he couldn’t get away, it was that he knew, no matter how hard he fought, it was useless. Even if Wes didn’t rape him now, he would eventually and he had before. It was like protesting a foul when the game was already over. No one cared.  
    ‘That it isn’t true,’ he thought desperately as Wes kicked his discarded jeans into the corner of the closet, ‘Heero said that it didn’t matter how many times I’ve been raped.’  
    He remembered that, somewhere in the back of his head. Heero had told him that it didn’t matter, that each time was terrible, a violation, an assault. Each time was just as bad as the first. So why wasn’t he protesting? Why wasn’t he screaming and begging, like he had with Chris? Some part of him was accepting it, because it was Wes. That part of him was cowed and beaten. It was keeping him from fighting. Tears pricked his eyes as he felt Wes’ hands suddenly move up his body, over his shirt, his knowing fingers finding his nipples and rubbing at them. He wouldn’t fight. He knew that, just as surely as he knew that nothing was going to stop Wes from doing this, from changing his mind, even if Heero burst in here right now.  
    Had he really changed at all? He had been thinking that. Ever since that moment on the beach with Heero, he had so desperately believed that he was a different person. He was more confident, so less likely to take things at face value and just believe that he was worthless. He had started to believe that, if Heero saw all that good in him, it had to be there. He was different, he could move away from Wes, maybe not completely, but enough to change and grow. And now, here he was again. All the same old places… and he wasn’t doing anything. He wasn’t yelling at Wes, cursing him out for doing this to him again, for not trying to let him go. How, _exactly_ had he changed?  
    Duo made a very soft noise as Wes rolled the tips of his nipples through his shirt, making them go hard almost instantly. He didn’t pinch them or squeeze them until they hurt, just touched them lightly. The motion sent a little spark of pleasure through him. Wes had never touched him like that before. He hadn’t even thought that Wes was _capable_ of touching like that. His breath came out sharply as those fingers abandoned his chest and slipped down lower, over his shirt to his now bare lower body. As his blunt nails scraped over his stomach, Duo trembled a little bit. This was strange. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go… He gasped out, feeling Wes wrap his hand around his flaccid cock, still not squeezing or being rough, his fingers caressing the sensitive skin, almost lovingly.  
    The violet eyed boy flushed in shame as he felt his penis respond to this attention, so used to being manhandled or ignored completely, not stroked in the way he had been taught to do, meant only to feel good, not control or punish. What the hell was Wes- … he gasped again, then groaned as a thumb brushed over the slit of his rising erection, making pre-cum start to flow in a tiny little trickle down his pale length. Heat started to rise in him just from Wes’ ministrations, just from being touched in his new way. Wes smirked as he watched Duo’s cock rise, and Duo would swear that he looked affectionate instead of arrogantly amused, the way he used to smirk every time he made Duo feel good from their violent sex.   
    Duo gritted his teeth to keep from making any noise as those rough, but bizarrely gentle fingers trailed down his cock to his balls, cupping them in his hand and rubbing against them, making that heat in his stomach grow to something that was becoming unbearable. This was wrong, so wrong… Wes was like Chris, a little bit less brutal, when he wanted to be, but he didn’t do things like this. Everything was a cruel game to him, a way to humiliate his prey, to make them realize that he owned them, to break them. This was something new. This… it felt good, even more than those times when Wes had forced him to climax and Duo couldn’t understand it. This was supposed to hurt. Wes was just supposed to fuck him, to make him his again, but everything he was doing was slow… it was… it was _gentle_.   
    Wes’ other hand disappeared for a moment, but with the way he was caressing his balls, Duo barely noticed until he felt a light touch to his entrance, the fingers wet and slick.  
    ‘Lube,’ he realized, slightly in shock, ‘and a lot of it.’  
    Wes didn’t use the stuff that much, just enough to keep him from completely damaging Duo’s insides, unless he had just come off of a job, then he didn’t use it at all, or he would use just a little bit if he wasn’t in the mood for stretching him with something smaller. But he didn’t just shove his finger in, he rubbed it over the delicate skin, smothering the hole with the wet stuff. It was almost like he was being careful, unless this was some new game he had never played before.  
    ‘Why?’ Duo thought in confusion, ‘Why doesn’t he just thrust in like he usually does?’  
    That feeling came to him again, the feeling of being cared for, being revered, like he was something special. Something that Wes actually cared about and didn’t want to break. It was a nice feeling, and having it come from this man made it twisted, made it hurt and soothe at the same time. It was just like the torture techniques Wes used when he wanted to punish him. He would hurt him, tear into him, like he wanted him to shatter, then would comfort him in some way, only to tear into him all over again until Duo hadn’t been able to separate the pain from the pleasure. It had overwhelmed him. Chaining him up in the dark, only to let him go… in this way, Wes had broken him. In this way… Wes had insured that Duo would come back to him. Slavery in the disguise of freedom. It was a lot more powerful than just breaking someone’s arm, and more permanent.  
    Was that what this was, more insurance? But Wes seemed to be getting into it. It was like Wes was exploring his body, like he actually wanted him to feel good. Duo winced as he felt that long finger slip inside of him, but it didn’t actually hurt, it just had been awhile. In reality, it had been a lot longer than he thought. Chris might have fucked him, but he hadn’t really played with him. Hadn’t prepped him or done more than just thrust in. Wes grunted as he felt just how tight Duo was, like a vice around his finger.  
    “Shit,” he growled, “You should not be this tight. Is that Yuy kid impotent or something?”  
    Duo found the anger to glare up at his ex-guardian.  
    “Heero isn’t like that!” he snapped, “We’re friends, _not_ lovers! Even if he were gay, he isn’t a pervert who’d fuck the first thing that moved!”   
    When those words came bursting out of him, ‘we’re not lovers’, he felt a sharp pain in his heart, worse than anything Wes could possibly do to him, and had no choice but to try to ignore it. Why the hell did Chris and Wes always automatically think that he and Heero were having sex?! Did they honestly think that everyone else was like them, that the entire world was composed of people who were sick and twisted enough to just take what they wanted from other people, just for the sake of taking? Even if Heero was gay, even if, by some miracle, he liked him that way, he would _never_ have casual sex with him! Heero knew how he felt, how tortured and messed up he was because of what Wes had done to him, and Duo knew that Heero would never treat him like that, like some kind of sex toy to use just to get off.  
    Duo expected Wes to react to his yelling at him violently. Maybe he would hit him or wrap the wires tighter around his wrists, just thrust in or do something with his finger to make his insides hurt. Instead, Wes regained his smirk, looking triumphant instead of annoyed by Duo’s sudden attitude change. He was happy, Duo realized. Happy because he and Heero had never had sex. In Wes’ twisted mind, he probably thought that that meant that Heero had no claim on him at all, that Duo remained his alone.   
    “Good,” Wes grinned, sliding a second finger inside the trapped boy and making him squirm, “Don’t worry, I’ll get you used to this again, in time.”  
    Duo suddenly had to struggle hard against those tears in his eyes, threatening to spill out again. That was the one thing he _didn’t_ want. It was bad enough, what Chris had done. Just that one time had made him ill inside, but the thought that Wes was actually going to try to turn him into that person again… that boy who would bend over for him, just with a look, made him want to rip out his own intestines. He gritted his teeth again as Wes slid in a third finger, feeling his inner muscles, though still tight, start to loosen enough that the intrusion didn’t feel as strenuous. He didn’t care how often Wes did this to him, he would never get used to that feeling of a part of his body stretching like that, a part that no one should touch unless he asked them to. It always felt weird and wrong to him. Sure, the touch itself made that sensitive skin feel good, but it set him on edge and all he wanted to do was scream and shove Wes off of him.   
    Almost as though he had heard his thoughts, Wes’ fingers slid out of him, but Duo knew better. After eight years of this, he knew not to be relieved. Every muscle in his body tightened up in reflex as Wes unzipped his pants and took out his hard cock. Duo took a deep breath as the tip of it pressed against his leg, leaving behind a drop of pre-cum. Wes wasn’t as big as Chris was, but that was like comparing an elephant to a whale. It was still big. Seeing it for the first time in months made the subservient, restrictive haze in his mind dissipate.   
    “Please… please, Wes… don’t-,” he started to beg.  
    What was he doing? He was just… hanging here and taking this treatment! It might not hurt, it might be different and strange, and he might be powerless, but if Heero could see him now… he would be ashamed, wouldn’t he? That realization was like a slap to the face. He was fully ready to start yelling at the tall blonde when Wes grabbed his chin in his hand, forcing him to look him in the eye. His grip was tight and threatening, an intense contrast from the way he had molested him earlier. So much like the Wes he had known.   
    “I said don’t worry,” Wes said, his tone low, “I’m not going to hurt you. I’m going to make you feel good.”  
    ‘Better than that Yuy brat ever will,’ he thought to himself angrily.  
    Duo’s violet eyes widened in shock. Wes had said those things hundred of times before. ’Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you.’ ’I’m going to make you feel good.’ Of course, it had almost always been after he had said that that he had hurt him the most. It had been one of Wes’ favorite mind fuck games. Those first few weeks together, Duo had believed everything Wes had said to him, that when he said he was going to hurt him, he would, and when he said it wouldn’t, it would be fine. He had learned that no one could be trusted. Not any adult, any man, and certainly not the one he lived with. After that, he had been incapable of actually telling if Wes’ promises were complete bullshit or not. Sometimes he would lie his ass off, and other times, when he said he wasn’t going to hurt him, he wouldn’t. It had always been those times that had thrown him for a loop. It had been like a severe torture technique, not knowing if the next touch would bruise or soothe.   
    But this was different. There was something behind those cold grey eyes now, something that didn’t belong there. Affection, insanity, he wasn’t sure, but he suddenly knew that Wes actually meant it this time. He didn’t want to hurt him, didn’t want to play games. Wes actually wanted… to touch him, to make him feel good, because he had missed him. Just what had happened to the man when Duo had been learning how to heal his soul with the Yuy’s? Some people, like Quatre and Trowa, embraced love. They were born for it and when it touched them, they glowed so beautifully. To a man like Wes, love was like a poison. It killed, it made you insane. They didn’t know what to do with it. But then again, Duo didn’t really know what to do with it, either, the difference being that he actually craved it, while Wes was being forced to live with this weird feeling he had.  
    Wes wrapped one arm around Duo’s back pulling so closely that Duo’s chest and stomach were pressed against him and he could rest his head against him if he wanted to. He could feel the man’s heated erection rubbing against his belly, could feel the power of that arm holding him against his abductor like an iron rod. It felt terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. That arm could break his pathetic, slim body in half, but right now was carefully holding him in place. Wes grabbed Duo’s upper left leg with his other hand and lifted it slightly, enough to throw the longhaired boy completely off balance, his right toes barely touching the ground, making him feel like a kitten in the jaws of a pit bull. Duo struggled against his bindings for a minute, forgetting how tight they were and the damage he had already done to his arms, but old instincts told him not to protest verbally, to trust Wes not to let him fall and severely hurt his bound arms.   
    That thought nearly made him laugh. He never trusted Wes unless it was about him knowing what he was doing. That was the only way he could rely on the man, that he was the one in power, the one in control. It was like he had said, ‘don’t worry’. If Wes let him fall, it would be because he had messed up and Wes _never_ made a mistake like that. He would never demonstrate that kind of weakness. It was beyond him. Then again, he had always thought that affection was beyond him, too, and he had been wrong. It wasn’t the affection that Name gave him, the kind that made his heart glow, but it was a lot better than the cold cruelty he was used to from Wes.  
    Because of Wes’ height and the long length of his cock, he didn’t have to turn Duo around or even lift him up that much to press the head against his prepped entrance. Duo wrapped his fingers around the wires holding him, mindful that they didn’t cut him as he might need to use his lock-picking abilities later for all he knew, and squeezed his eyes shut. He realized then that there truly wasn’t anything he could do. It wasn’t just that he couldn’t beg Wes to stop or change his mind, or even that his hands were tied up. If he pulled on the wires too much, they could really do some damage to him. With his anemia, the cuts he already had were as deep as they could get without him impairing himself. They were a lot more affective than rope or even chains. He didn’t dare thrash against them any more than he already had or see if he could pull them loose, he might slip or miscalculate and bleed to death.  
    Duo waited, feeling the head of Wes’ cock start to push against his ass hole, trying to brace himself for the thrust, which was going to hurt no matter how much Wes had prepped him. Ironically, it was the gentle push that he did with his hips which made that impressive length start to slide inside of him that startled him more than a harsh, immediate thrust would have. He gave out a sharp cry as Wes continued to push into him, more gently than he had ever done in his entire life. It felt strange to Duo. The cock inside of his ass felt familiar, but not the motion. The rubbing it was creating inside of him made him feel hot and prickly. He was subconsciously aware of his own arousal, but was too overwhelmed by Wes’ odd behavior to give it too much thought.  
    “Nng,” Wes groaned loudly as he slid his cock deeper into Duo’s ass, “Fuck, you feel good.”  
    Duo felt like he was going to combust. This was completely different from what Chris had done. That had just been an act of violence, something completely expected, if incredibly painful, but what Wes was doing was making a cluster of emotions rise up in him. Confusion, arousal, shame, shock… he couldn’t focus on any one of them. He winced as he felt the length inside of him move in and out, feeling slick and intrusive. He could feel fluid dripping out of him, but for the first time, he knew it wasn’t blood. Wes had been too careful for that. Because of the position they were in, Wes couldn’t thrust his cock completely inside of him, the but the length of it that was in him was still overwhelming.   
    Wes buried his face in Duo’s neck and he could hear the blonde man panting into the crook of his neck and shoulder, making small, pleased noises as he stopped sliding in and out of the teenager slowly and started to thrust harder, faster, quickly loosing control. It was so unlike him. Even during sex, Wes had always had this tightly wound control, as though sex for him was more about submission than pleasure. Again, his words about missing him came back to Duo. He was just as abrasive as he had always been, taking what he wanted regardless of what Duo wanted, but he was gentle and attentive this time. For the first time, there was no pain, at least not in his body. But in his heart… because he didn’t know what to think and it all led back to that self-hatred again, to loathing his inability to take this at face value.  
    Wes was raping him. He should hate him for that, but the way he was touching him wasn’t terrible, not like how it used to be. Was he so desperate for some affection that he actually _enjoyed_ this? He still felt violated, still felt disgusted and sick inside every time Wes touched him, the feeling of him inside of him… There was this little voice of doubt inside of him, asking him if he could even _call_ this rape. Every time a man had forced himself on him, there had been some violence involved, a bruise, a hit, harsh words… No matter the person, eventually they had hurt him, eventually they had all proven to him that he wasn’t worth any kind of affection. All he was worth was a quick fuck and an act of assault. They might lie and say it was ‘love making’ or that, just because they forced him to get an erection, that meant it was consensual, but he had always equated it to the first time Wes had raped him when he had been seven years old, that he was just too pathetic to try to fight back.   
    At some point, he had believed that that made it his fault, that if he got raped it was just because he was weak, that he deserved it, that his only purpose was to be a toy for those men, so he should just accept it, but whenever he had voiced that belief, Name had gotten such a pained look, not because it was the truth, but because it hurt her to know that he had ever thought that. He couldn’t think it now. She had told him, not just once, that it wasn’t his fault, he had just been a child, and just because he hadn’t been able to fight back didn’t mean it was consensual or that he had deserved it. Whether or not she was right, he had chosen to believe her, simply because something about it had felt right to him, had made that age old guilt and shame ease a little. It was better than believing that, just like Williams had said, he had no right to complain about anything that had happened to him, that he must secretly enjoy being raped since he had stopped trying to run away.  
    But was this really the same as that? Maybe it felt the same. He was tied up and helpless, and Wes didn’t really seem all that concerned about asking his permission or listening to his pleas to stop. So why didn’t it feel the same? Just because it made his body feel good, without actually being forced into it, because the touches were gentle for once? He couldn’t say that it hurt, or was entirely unpleasant, or even that Wes was doing this to humiliate him, to treat him like an object. It seemed like, for the first time in his life, Wes was looking at him like a human being. Wasn’t that the only thing he had ever wanted, for someone to _see_ him, to care about him? And wasn’t Wes doing just that, saying that he missed him, that he loved him, that he wanted to make him feel good? Maybe the way he was going about it was wrong, but wasn’t it the thought that actually counted?   
    If he couldn’t even decide if this was rape or not, should he just… enjoy it? Should he just let Wes do whatever he wanted and accept it? Even if it made him feel sick inside, wasn’t it a whole lot better than be pinned face down to some bed, tied down and beaten like a trapped animal, just so Wes could get his rocks off? Just so he could prove, like he always did, that Duo was useless and powerless? And really, what did it matter? There was nothing he could do about it anyway. He didn’t even know what time it was, how much time had passed when he had been knocked out. He didn’t know what drug Wes had used on him, only that the sun had been out when he had woken up, chained to the table. That didn’t mean much. Had it just been enough time for Wes to get him to the apartment, or was this another day entirely?   
    ‘Heero and Name are going to freak out when they find out I’m missing,’ he thought suddenly, then nearly burst out laughing.  
    It was such a random thought, especially in a moment like this, with his abductor’s cock deep inside of him, but he couldn’t help it. If it was yesterday, then they already knew that he was gone. And if it was still today, it didn’t matter because, sooner or later, Trowa and Quatre were going to figure out that he wasn’t home where he was supposed to be and call Name. Dammit, they really were going to go off the deep end when they figured out Wes had him… Duo had never met anyone as overprotective as Heero and Name, except for Shi. He knew that, once they figured out what had happened, Heero wouldn’t stop at anything to find him. That realization made his torn heart warm, thinking of Heero, after all the confusion and twisted feelings about Wes made him feel… calm and sure, confident.   
    Wes made him feel so many things; anger, shame, love, familiarity, depression, fear, this maddening swirl of feelings that made him feel like his very soul was being ripped apart. Trying to think and sort it all out just gave him a headache and made him want to cry because all he wanted to do was label Wes as one thing. Someone he wanted to punch in the face and run as far away from, a monster. Or the person who defined him, someone who loved him, a father. But his heart refused to decide and he kept getting swept away, lost in the dark of it. It was frustrating and devastating.   
    But Heero… Heero he was just as conflicted about, not sure whether he should just settle with being his best friend, or listen to his heart and try to find out if he could have more with him, if he should have more. But with Heero, he didn’t have that feeling like his brain was twisting and being worn down. When Heero looked at him, he didn’t feel afraid or conflicted. He felt safe. When he saw those blue eyes, he knew that it didn’t matter what he felt, Heero would be there for him. Heero might not love him, but he respected him and cared about him. He would always belong there, in that house. And now, he couldn’t even come to terms with the fact that he might never see him again. He knew he was in denial, that some subconscious part of himself was keeping him of truly thinking about it. And maybe that was a good thing. He would rather that Wes slit his throat right now than go down that path again. He couldn’t do that a second time, he didn’t have the strength.  
    He hoped that Heero hadn’t found out that he was gone yet. Maybe he should be hoping that he was out there, looking for him right now, because then he could hope for a miracle, but he didn’t. The second that Heero found out that he was in danger, he was going to be miserable. He was going to blame himself, like he had in Boston and when they had had that huge fight. The Japanese boy was going to drive himself insane looking for him, that was just his nature. Like a wolf looking for one of its missing pack mates, Duo knew that he wouldn’t give up and as nice and heartwarming as that was, it worried him. He wanted Heero to be happy. He was seeing his relatives for the first time in several months, even if it was over something stressful, and Duo wanted him to be blissfully ignorant and happy for as long as possible.  
    Fuck, had it really just been _this morning_ that Name had ordered Duo to wake Heero up, and if he didn’t, he could do something nasty to him? Just this morning when he had teasingly threatened Heero with a glass of ice water, which he had actually gone upstairs with, just in case? Just this morning…  
  
      
   _“I’m coming back,” Heero promised, squeezing Duo’s fingers._  
  
  
    The tears that had been on the verge of spilling did so now, tracking down Duo’s pale cheeks and he had to fight against sobbing. Wes was oblivious to his emotional state, thankfully. Duo had no idea what he would say or do if the blonde got angry because of it, how he would try to explain why he was crying. Just the morning, Heero had promised that he would back, had promised, in his own subtle way, that he would never abandon him. And he had believed him. Just this morning… it felt like days ago. That was probably going to be his last memory of his best friend, that gentle squeezing of his fingers, those sweet words… How could he possibly live without him? Whatever Wes was offering him, it wasn’t enough. It could never be enough. His new life was frightening, but so was the possibility of being away from Heero.  
    Duo was shocked out of his depressed thoughts as he felt one of Wes’ hands curl around his cock, sending little shivers of pleasure through it and into his stomach. A little, shuddering breath left him at the feeling of rough fingers stroking his sensitive erection. The length inside of him hit that weird spot deep inside that always felt good, no matter how much pain he was in. He didn’t know why, if it was because it had been so long since he had an orgasm, because it was the first time anyone had sex with him like this, or just because he was under so much stress, but it only took two more strokes from Wes’ hand for him to reach climax.  
    Duo didn’t know what he had been expecting. He had thought that… that if someone would make love to him, with all that gentle care and affection that he had heard about, he would finally understand why Quatre always blushed happily whenever Trowa teased him about it, or why some of Shi’s customers had been women. He had thought that a climax from that kind of sex had to be wonderful. But, when he came, it was just like it had always been. It felt good, on some physical level, but that was it. He didn’t feel happy about it and it didn’t really feel like anything special. It made him feel hollow inside, just like it always had.   
    Maybe Wes had been right, he thought as sadness and frustration filled him, maybe he didn’t deserve love. Maybe he wasn’t even capable of it. Nothing more than a hole to fuck… and maybe the only love he would feel was what he felt for Name and Heero, that of a child for a parent, or the love of a crush, not something he could act on. And, really, if this was what sex was, he didn’t care. He would have cried then at that realization, at the understanding that he was a freak. It wasn’t that sex didn’t feel good, it was that he was incapable of having it. To him, it just felt wrong and twisted, what little pleasure he got from it no more than the way you felt when got a back rub or finally scratched at an itch that had been bothering you for a long time. He would have cried, but all his energy left him and, more than sad, he felt tired. Tired in a way that had nothing to do with the physical at all. It was in his soul.  
    If Wes hadn’t been holding him up, Duo would have sliced his hands and arms wide upon as he fell limp against the wires, but he didn’t care, he barely even noticed. He could feel Wes pushing his body closer, could feel his strong hips moving against him as his fingers dug into his skin hard enough to bruise. His body was overly sensitive after his climax, and he could feel every little movement and brush, feeling like a strange kind of torture. Wes made a strange, tight sound, a mix between a tense grunt and a primal growl, then Duo felt his hot semen shooting inside of him. It was sudden and almost startling. Wes immediately pulled out of him and the feeling of the fat head of his cock spreading the ring of muscles of his entrance slightly sent a tiny shiver through his stomach. Duo hadn’t had a whole lot of sex in this position, standing straight up without being able to move his arms or legs very much, so the feeling of cum rushing out of him and down his legs was weird and unpleasantly warm given that the rest of him was cold.   
    Wes took a towel that had been dangling out of his back pocket and cleaned himself and Duo off as best he could. Duo was completely unprepared for when the tall man took the large hunting knife he often used from a sheath on his ankle and cut the wire holding up his arms above his wrists, making him fall and stumble to his knees. When Duo reoriented himself, Wes was suddenly there, kneeling in front of him and grabbed his chin, forcing Duo to look up at him.  
    “I want you to stay with me,” Wes said in that deep, growling way he would speak in when he was annoyed with something and was trying to be forceful.  
    Duo’s eyes widened. ‘I want you to stay with me,’ not ‘You will stay with me’… and the grey eyed man looked so frustrated, so unsure of himself. Kind of like the way that Duo felt whenever he tried to figure out his feelings for Heero. It felt incredibly wrong, seeing Wes like that, seeing him so off balance, just because he was feeling something normal, something human. Wes stopped gripping Duo’s chin and instead cupped his cheek, his fingers caressing his soft skin.   
    “I promise,” Wes said softly, “as long as you stay with me, I won’t make you whore yourself ever again. You’ll just be mine. I’ll give you anything you’ll ever need, if you promise to never leave me again, to live with me forever. We can move away from this shit hole, we can go anywhere you want to go, just the two of us.”  
    Duo felt like he had fallen through a hole in the ground and had ended up in this strange, twisted alternate reality, because nothing that Wes had said could possibly have come out of _his_ mouth. The Wes he knew would _never_ suggest _any_ of that! The Wes he knew was cold and cruel, he did what he did to have power over the people around him. He never would put any power in Duo’s hands. Wes had always made all the decisions, yet here he was putting their future in his hands. It didn’t make any sense. It didn’t make sense that he wouldn’t whore Duo out again, wouldn’t do all that he could to manipulate him for money, or just the perverse thrill of it. It especially didn’t make sense that Wes would suggest that, if Duo didn’t want to live in this town anymore, he would be willing to move.  
    Wes’ entire empire was here. All his business contacts, money, and hierarchy was here. If they moved, he would be giving up everything he had worked so hard for! He wouldn’t be the big, badass boogieman that he had been for all of Duo’s life. He wanted to scream at the universe to stop. Just _stop_. Stop throwing these curve balls at him! Because he wanted to accuse Wes of slinging bullshit, that there was no way he would actually do any of those things, it wasn’t in his nature, but looking at him now, seeing the frantic desperation in those normally cold, grey eyes, Duo knew he wasn’t lying. Wes actually meant this, and that was far too dangerous.  
    To live with Wes, live with someone who loved him this much that they were willing to change their entire _being_ , just to be with him… that was such a powerful thought. And really, what was so bad about it? Sure, Wes was still controlling, still violent, but he wouldn’t turn him into a prostitute. No matter what happened, he would never go back to that life of nightmares and darkness. Something deep inside of his heart unclenched and, just like when the feeling had returned to his arms, it hurt. It hurt a lot. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. So long ago, Name had promised him that he would never have to do that again for the rest of his life. He had thought that he believed her, but now he realized that while he had trusted her to keep him safe, he had always feared the inevitable.   
    All those years hearing Wes say that fucking was all that he was good for hadn’t blown away in just a few months living with Heero, Name, Quatre, and Trowa. Did he really believe that being a whore was all that he _could_ be? No, Heero and Name had taught him that he could be so much more than gutter trash, but he still wondered if he could really separate himself from that old life. Who he had been back then and who he was now weren’t all that different. That scared, beaten person was still inside of him and he had never been able to surrender that fear of returning to spreading his legs for anyone that Wes told him to. Now, Wes was saying that he wouldn’t have to and finally, finally, that fear had let go of his heart. What Name hadn’t been able to give him, Wes had, and he hated that.  
    Wasn’t this what he wanted? Wasn’t this what the part of him that loved Wes had always hoped for? He could live with Wes, have that connection to his childhood, without hating himself, couldn’t he? If he went with Wes, couldn’t he have everything that he wanted? He could have the love he had always yearned for, and Wes wouldn’t try to hurt Heero or his friends. A roof over his head, a stable life… sure, he would have to have sex with Wes, but wasn’t this more comforting than the thought of going to college, trying to make something for himself, only to find out that he couldn’t? Only to find out how useless he really was, a failure… better to disappear than prove Wes right…  
  
   _“I’m coming back.”_  
  
    The memory of Heero’s voice shocked him out of his dazed, numb thoughts. What was he thinking? If he went with Wes, he would never see Heero again. He would rather be a whore again than not see his best friend. And not to see Name… maybe he thought of Wes as his father, but if that was true, than Name was his mother. How could he leave her behind? Did he really want to live with Wes? He was thinking that he was better, that telling him that he wouldn’t force him to do something that he didn’t want made him into a decent person… but really, that shouldn’t even _be_ a choice! Name would never ask him to do that, Heero couldn’t even comprehend that there were men in the world that enjoyed making kids like him do stuff like that.   
    No matter his feelings about Wes’ proposal, no matter how rare and strange it was, he didn’t want to disappear. He didn’t want to go back to how he felt around Wes, never knowing if he was going to hit him or not. He wanted to go to school with Heero, he wanted to have discussions about stupid movies with Trowa. He didn’t want to lost Wes, but he didn’t want to lose his friends, either. His heart was confused, and desperate, incapable of knowing what it actually wanted, his past or his future, but he knew that he couldn’t cope without Heero and Name.   
    “No,” Duo told Wes with a tone that sounded brazen, unless you noticed how badly his hands were shaking, how terrified he was to stand up to the larger man, “I won’t go with you. I’ve had a life with you for eight years, but I owe the Yuy’s more than I have ever owed you. They saved my life, paid for my hospital bills, and took care of me all these months. I won’t run off with you, without so much as letting them know what’s happened to me. I can’t do that to them, I can’t let them worry about me like that.”  
    The rage that entered Wes’ eyes was indescribable, more intense and chaotic than any fit of anger Duo had ever seen from the man. It was like watching a sudden, violent storm gather in a sky that had, just seconds ago, been clear and peaceful. If Duo had the courage to move at all, he would have run for the back corner of the closet and curled up into a tight ball, like he had so often as child when Wes had been pissed off. However, as shameful as that action would have been, the only thing that kept him from doing that was his overwhelming fear, like looking a shark in its black eyes, knowing you should try to get as far away as possible, but you were frozen in place, too terrified to make a move.   
    Wes grabbed him by the neck so fast, even though Duo had been waiting for some kind of retaliation, he was unprepared for it. That hand was like steel around him, closing tight enough to make him pant for breath and realize just how serious Wes was about hurting him, but not enough that he couldn’t breathe at all. Not that that mattered as he felt the deadly sharp blade of Wes’ knife being pressed against his throat, at the exact spot where Chris had cut him. Duo felt the knife cut into his skin, just a tiny bit, just a little bit worse than a cut from shaving, not even enough to scar. He could feel the blood trickle down his neck in a small stream, but Wes didn’t press the blade any harder.   
    Like a nightmare, he flashed back to Boston when Chris had been threatening him in this exact way, that strange contrast between the cold metal of a knife and the warmth of his own blood on his skin. He remembered realizing his own mortality with such realness that, for a moment, he had a hard time separating that moment from this one. It was only the feeling of carpet under his bare legs and Wes’ unique smell that kept him from spiraling into his own memories. He dared to look into Wes’ eyes and instantly wished that he hadn’t. Most people, when they were truly, truly angry, their eyes lit up with this intense fire. Wes’, although filled with fury, were cold and hard. Duo had expected him to scream at him when he had denied him, to remind him of his debt, to demand to know why he was choosing the Yuy’s over him, but there was nothing. Wes was completely silent and that scared Duo more than the anger. It was that silence that told him he was about to die.  
    Death. It was something that had completely consumed his thoughts when he had been younger. When you lived on the streets, where every minute could be the last one you ever experienced, death was something that you lived with, as common and present as rats and rotten food. But it was just something that was _there_ , something eventual. Maybe he had thought about it every now and then during those times, wondering what his own death would be like, if he would be tortured by some other street kid or gang member, or maybe he would just starve to death or freeze in the winter. He, like everyone else without homes or security, had wondered those things, but it hadn’t been until he had met Wes that he had actually contemplated death.  
    Those first few years living as a whore under Wes’ thumb, Duo had battled with himself, trying to decide if he was going to end his own life or endure what the blonde had done to him. He had worried at it like a dog with a bone. Every little hurt, every insult, every time he had to open his mouth or his legs for someone, he had thought ‘wouldn’t death be better than this?’ Duo had realized at a very young age that he didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell. Although Sister Helen had often read him stories of such places, he had never believed that your soul went somewhere else when you died. After living on the streets and seeing what really happened to the body when you died, the decay, insects and rats and feral dogs and cats, and sometimes even people, if they were desperate enough, feeding on your flesh… how could he believe in the holiness of heaven when, to him, it had looked exactly like a piece of meat past its prime?  
    So, Duo had held no illusions that, if he did kill himself, that meant he would be going to someplace better, or even someplace worse. Rather, he had just seen it as a release, a way to get rid of all the pain, emotional and physical, that he was feeling. He often wondered, if he had never met Solo and the others, if he would have taken that final plunge one day. If not being able to talk to another human being would have made everything pile up until his heart was completely run over, infected. In the end, he hadn’t accepted that life was better or that, if he simply endured, eventually things would work out. The opposite had happened. Instead of gaining faith in something better, he had lost faith in everything. He had stopped dancing with death and had simply… accepted it. He had accepted his crappy life and the realization that nothing was going to change, nothing was going to get better. Death wouldn’t help. Ceasing to exist wouldn’t make the pain go away. He wouldn’t even be aware that the pain had stopped, he wouldn’t be aware anything, and how was that any better than living with a monster?   
    But all that seemed so far away, such a long time ago. Logically, it had only been months ago, but he no longer looked at death as a release. It was hard sometimes, living with his memories, but his life wasn’t so terrible anymore and he had no desire to leave it behind for nothingness. It was annoyingly ironic that, now that he actually _liked_ his life, he was probably going to die. Wes’ confession of love, his admittance that he wanted to live the rest of his life with Duo, those things meant nothing in the face of Wes’ rage. Just because Wes claimed to love him, it didn’t mean that the blonde wasn’t going to kill him if he pissed him off. He knew very well that Wes wasn’t exactly logical, and lately, he had gotten even worse. When they had first met, he had said that if Duo kept fighting him, kept running away, he was going to kill him. It had taken him five months, but it looked like Wes was finally going to fulfill that promise.   
    Duo jerked his head to the side as much as he dared to without getting very badly cut. If he was going to die, he didn’t want the last thing he saw to be those cold, uncaring eyes looking at him like he was a bug trapped under a glass, as though those eyes could see every inch of him, down to his soul and most secret thoughts. It was wrong, he told himself. But was it really? Wes knew him better than anyone else did, even Heero. He knew about all those dark moments in his life. Did Wes also know how he felt about Heero and that was why he hated him so much? But there was another difference between Heero and Wes. Wes knew him. Heero _understood_ him. Heero understood what those dark moments had done to him, he understood what to do when he was sad, he even understood why he was scared of the dark and tried to help him. Wes might know what Duo was feeling, but he didn’t know what to do with that knowledge. Or he just didn’t care.   
    Thinking about Heero now, when he was sure his throat was about to get cut and he was going to die, drowning in his own blood, made tears start to flow. He tried to bite them down, to get just one sliver of pride before he died, but he couldn’t stop them. He didn’t want to die, didn’t want to end his life in this stupid, fucking closet when Heero was probably an ocean away! He especially didn’t want to die at Wes’ hand, when there was _so much_ he hadn’t done! He wasn’t even thinking about going to college or making something of himself. It was the _little_ things that were bothering him. He hadn’t told Solo and Shi what had happened to him. Hadn’t spent his first summer vacation with his friends. Hadn’t told Heero that he loved him… Duo felt himself tremble as he waited for the grotesque feeling of the sharp blade slicing through his neck and couldn’t stop, the fear overwhelming him.  
    Wes tightened his grip around Duo’s thin, white neck as he pinned him to the wall and pressed the knife a little bit deeper, though still not enough to really do much damage. Human life was so pathetically worthless, he thought as he admired how bright Duo’s blood looked against his white skin. All he had to do was push the knife into his neck, and that was it. Everyone moaned about how ‘sacred’ life was, but if it was so special, why could he destroy it so easily? He didn’t even need the knife. All he had to do was squeeze this thin neck hard enough to wring the breath from him. It was as easy as that. For some reason, that thought made him feel… strange. He had never had a problem with killing, with doing what needed to be done, but for some reason, with this boy, it gave him this weird, prickling feeling in his stomach.   
    Duo was just… different. Beautiful. Wes had found boys like that before, pretty ones that stayed pretty even when they grew up. A lot of the boys he picked up were cute at first, but once puberty hit, they lost that boyish quality, the wide eyes and small bodies. No matter how pretty they had been, they grew up and by then, Wes had grown bored of all of them. That usually happened when he was done training them. It had never happened with Duo. The boy he had found on an off chance on the street had only grown more and more attractive. His reactions to things, his strength had always surprised Wes, even after all the years of training child whores.  
    That… interest had perverted him. He had taken Duo in as a means to an ends, just another piece of property to profit off on. When had that changed? Wes didn’t know. All he knew was that that prickly feeling wouldn’t let him live without the kid and hearing him say that he was going to go live with those rich, stuck-up shits made him want to hurt him right back. He knew what he should do. He should slit his throat. If any other whore had stood up to him, had spoken to him in that hateful tone of voice, regardless of what the words had actually been, he would have taken them out. He had no use for a disobedient bitch. But Duo was different. He wouldn’t tolerate that tone from him, either, but something was keeping him from pressing the knife any deeper. It should be so easy, something he had done hundreds of times, but he knew this neck too well and just couldn’t force himself to slice into it, to destroy it.  
    It was a weakness, a terrible weakness. If he killed this boy, would these stupid feelings go away, would he continue like he always had? Or would it just get worse? Logic told him that the only way for things to get back to normal was to get Duo back in his life. Beyond that, the weakness inside of him literally refused to let him kill him. That weakness made him feel sick when he thought about it, a feeling he had never really experienced before. Although he _could_ just force the violet eyed kid to come with him, Duo had just shown him that he could run away from him. He would have to get him to agree to come back to him, or he would just try to run again. That realization, that he couldn’t control him anymore, infuriated him. Wes studied Duo’s neck, analyzing the best place to cut, the best place to cause pain. That was the way he had to do it, just like old times. He nearly smirked. Just like when he was a kid, he would have to hurt him until he did what he said. It was that simple.  
    There were a hundred different ways he could do it. He wouldn’t even have to scar him that badly. He knew all the parts of the body that Duo hurt the worst, knew all the things he was afraid of. It would be easy to get him to agree with him, just using this knife and steel wire. Just a few light cuts, to make them sting and burn, maybe some vinegar and salt, and he could heat the knife on the stove. He had done that to him a few times, like the first time he had tried to run away, when he had sliced up the bottom of his feet. Duo hated it when he hurt his feet, and also his stomach and hands. Wes started to press the knife deeper, ready to leave a long, but not too serious, cut there, when he noticed for the first time that Duo was trembling. Wes frowned as he actually _looked_ at his captive and realized that he was silently crying in the way that the boy often did, knowing how much he hated sobbing.      
    That prickling feeling in his stomach exploded and swallowed up his resolve to cut that fair neck. Duo’s tears had always annoyed him, but this time, seeing him so scared and crying because of him, it made the hand holding the knife feel weak. He couldn’t do it, Wes realized angrily, repulsed by his sudden weakness in the face of one boy’s tears. He couldn’t cut him. Couldn’t _hurt_ him. The anger rose in him like and tide and he wanted nothing more than to viciously stab the knife into Duo’s stomach over and over again, but he couldn’t do anything. Even his anger couldn’t force him to do it. With an irritated growl, Wes withdrew the blade from Duo’s neck. He slowly released his tight grip around the boy’s neck, admiring how the bruised imprints from his fingers looked.  
    Duo looked at Wes sharply. At first, he was sure that this was a trick, some way to manipulate him, that Wes only wanted him to think that he was going to spare him, then do something terrible to him. But when he looked at the blonde, he saw him re-sheath his knife. He felt like he was going to die from shock alone. Wes never changed his mind about anything, especially when he was pissed off. It wasn’t even that Wes had changed his mind about killing him, Duo had disobeyed. That was the worst thing to do to Wes. When he killed a mule for selling his drugs on the side, or a whore for trying to hide money they had got from a john, it wasn’t because they were trying to take profit from him, it was always because they had gone against him. It was the one thing the man couldn’t stand.   
    Every logical thought told Duo that he should be in pain right now. Wes had desperately asked him to leave the Yuy’s, to come back to him, and he had told him no, yet Wes hadn’t even struck him over that. Hell, he had beat the crap out of him that time he had snuck out of the apartment to go on a field trip to the local art museum that he needed to go on to pass a class, and he hadn’t even had any jobs that day. This seemed so much worse than that, but Wes had just… backed off. It struck him then, worse than anything that Wes could have done to him. Worse than death. Wes _had_ changed. Saying that he loved him, wanting him to live with him, those things meant nothing in the face of this. At the core of who Wes was, was always violence. He had shot him just to prove a point. He had sent Chris to kill him and Heero. He had threatened him with a gun, drugged him, and kidnapped him to bring him here. Compared to that, the other changes seemed so small and trivial.  
    Then, Wes had been… gentle with him. He still couldn’t understand that. And now this. He could almost forget that Wes had kicked him earlier just from moving too much. It was like he was bipolar or something. The thing was, if Wes _had_ changed enough to not hurt him just for telling him no, he should be happy about it. Wasn’t that what he wanted from the man that was the only father he had ever known? If Wes didn’t hit, didn’t force him to do all those terrible things, wasn’t he just like a normal dad? He wanted to believe that. Something deep in his heart hurt with that assumption, but he couldn’t figure out why. It didn’t make him happy, though. It horrified him. Because… for awhile now he had had something to be proud of. He wasn’t as quiet and repressed as he had been, wasn’t quite as anxious. He didn’t flinch when one of his friends touched him. He didn’t constantly doubt himself and assume that he didn’t deserve things. He had started to believe that maybe, just maybe, he could leave some of his past behind him.   
    Then, Wes had come back into his life, had dragged him back _here_ , and now he was falling back into all those old patterns, back into that darkness and hopelessness. He had to force himself to remember that there were good people, people that loved him, that were going to be looking for him, had to force himself not to simply nod and do whatever Wes wanted, just like in the past. He hadn’t changed. He had just been trying to deny this part of himself, had been trying to forget that he had ever been in this place. But now that he was back, it was like he was in a fog. He couldn’t think and all he could do was turn back into that person he had been for the past eight years. Lonely, alone, forgotten… even if that wasn’t true, he suddenly felt that way. If he had really changed, shouldn’t he be trying to fight that harder? The truth was that he hadn’t changed, but Wes _had_. That realization devastated him right to the core of his heart.  
    He had to get out of here. He suddenly realized that the longer he stayed here, the more things about his other life, the one that Name had given him, he was going to lose, going to forget. The longer he stayed here, more and more of his old self was going to emerge. Duo didn’t waste time regaining his feet and tackling forward, trying to aim for the space between Wes and the open door. Wes was just as prepared for his frantic attempt for freedom and quickly shoved him backwards, sweeping Duo’s feet off the ground with one of his own. Wes hit the back of his feet so hard, Duo fell, not on his butt, but on his back. Pain shot through his back, ribs, and neck as he hit the hard floor and his breath whooshed out of him. He was so busy trying to regain the concept of up and down, and getting air back into his lungs that when Wes grabbed his wrists again, pulling him upright, he was too dizzy and confused to try to fight back.   
    The blonde took the slack of the wire that was still tied around Duo’s wrists and tied it around a hook on the wall near the door that was at the same height as the door knob that was used to hang hats or umbrellas. His one shot at freedom dying, Duo cried out in frustration and tried to pull on his restraints, hoping that the hook might give out of the wall, forgetting the sharpness of the wires.   
    “Fucking stay still!” Wes snarled at him, grabbing the front of Duo’s white shirt and pulling him forward enough that the length of the wire stayed slack instead of tight and he didn’t hurt himself.  
    The familiarity of that tone of impatience, the one that always demanded instant obedience was like a punch to the face. Duo stilled, his panic ebbing away in the face of fear. It wouldn’t have mattered, he realized in a moment of sanity. Even if he had made it past Wes, he knew he wouldn’t have escaped. Wes was careful and meticulous. Duo was sure that he had put the chain on the front door or something like that. That extra second getting the chain off would have been his undoing. He might be faster than Wes, but Wes was taller and could gain more ground. Duo had this horrifying image of getting to the door, maybe even getting it open, only to have Wes’ hand emerge from the darkness behind him, like some childish monster, and drag him backwards.  
    “Don’t move or I’ll tie it so it hurts,” Wes warned.  
    Duo didn’t even contemplate the possibility that Wes was lying as he took two more lengths of wire from his pocket. The length of the wire was long enough that he could rest his arms down and feeling was starting to return to them, like prickling needles, making them hurt even more. Wes knelt behind him, where Duo couldn’t see, and shoved his legs apart with his knees. The longhaired boy blushed darkly. This new position was embarrassing, not to mention made his back hurt more. It was ridiculous, given that Wes had just fucked him, but he felt more self-conscious, especially with his ex-guardian behind him, probably ogling him or something.   
    It was bad enough that he hadn’t cleaned his ass very well and with his legs spread like this, it was making the cum drip out of him faster. He tried to clench down on it, but it was too awkward. His t-shirt was just long enough that he wasn’t completely exposed, but he still wished Wes would put his jeans back on. As embarrassing as it was, being manhandled this way, like he was an animal instead of person, positioned exactly in the way Wes wanted him, was familiar. This was the Wes that he remembered. He bore with it as his tormentor grabbed his legs, spreading the apart even further, wrapping a wire around each of his ankles, tying the left wire to the jam on the bottom of the door that could be pushed to the left to keep the door from closing shut, and the right around an umbrella stand that was made out some kind of metal that was too heavy for Duo to move with just that leg.   
    The wires kept his legs spread, he couldn’t pull them closed no matter how hard he tried, and forced him to put all of his weight on his knees. Even if he leaned back, his butt didn’t touch the floor, making it uncomfortable, but not actually painful. Although, if Wes left him in this position for very long, his legs and lower back were going to hurt as much as his arms did now. As Wes finished tying his right ankle, his hand traveled up Duo’s bare leg, tracing each curve as though it was the first time he had ever had the opportunity to touch it, then he harshly grabbed Duo by his long, chestnut hair, tugging sharply.  
    “One last chance,” Wes warned, “I’ll untie you and let you out of this closet. Tell me you won’t run away, that you’ll stay with me.”  
    Duo’s heart thundered in his chest, stray thoughts like buzzing bees begging him to say yes, because they knew what came next, something that he was trying very hard to not consciously think about, but his heart twisted and ached at what would happen if he _did_ say yes. He shook his head.  
    “No,” he whispered, but this time his voice was shaky and less sure.  
    Wes stood up and left the closet, slamming the door behind him. What little light had been in the small space turned to darkness. The little sliver of it under the door seemed pitiful, like a flickering flame in a high wind. The darkness wrapped itself around Duo and he breathed harder and harder, starting to hyperventilate. He screamed for Wes, begged for him to come back over and over until his throat became sore, until he started to sob. His stomach contorted and Duo had to squeeze his eyes shut to keep from throwing up. He told himself that he wasn’t in darkness, his eyes were just closed, and when he opened them, there would be light. Hysteria started to build up inside of him and he pulled at his bindings, but it only made his ankles bleed.   
    Out in the hall, there was a soft click and the light from under the door vanished. Then, there was only silence.   
  
  
  
End Part 8  
  
  
  
  
      
    


	55. The Second Son Part 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero and the gang begin the harrowing search for Duo. But with no clues about where he is or who even kidnapped him, where can they turn?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 9  
  
  
  
    The plane ride back to America was one of the longest experiences in Heero’s life. The only other times that had been as… hellish were sitting in the hotel room in Boston, Duo collapsed in his lap, counting down the minutes until he had to wake him up again, worrying that he wouldn’t be _able_ to wake him up, and that time when he had had to drive Duo to the hospital after finding him in his bedroom bleeding internally. Every second multiplied in his mind to the point that he had forced himself not to look at his watch every couple of minutes in frustration.   
    Thankfully, when his mother had tried to get a flight back to Maine, they had been frustrated to find that there were no commercial ones for another two hours. Neither of them had had the patience to wait that long, not with the most terrible scenarios of what could be happening to Duo going through Heero’s head. It had been an easy thing getting a private jet to fly them back home, which was faster and less stressful than a commercial one would have been, but every minute away from Maine, away from knowing where Duo was and making sure he was safe was too long. It had made him feel like he was going insane, his skin crawling and he had to fight the urge to keep calling the house every five minutes.  
    They landed in Bangor at nine o’clock, which just gave Heero a headache, making him feel like no time had passed from leaving the restaurant to getting back to New England, at the same time it had felt like days. His mother had called a head of time and there was a taxi waiting for them at the airport, fortunately. Heero didn’t know about his mother’s emotional state, but he knew that if he tried to drive all the way back to St. Peter’s right now, he would get into an accident for sure. The drive was even worse than the plane, especially in Bangor on a Friday night. The cab driver kept trying to start up a conversation with them, but between Name’s pensive silence and Heero’s constant glare, he kept quiet. By the time they reached their house, it was past eleven and Heero was ready to start hitting things, but the urge was tempered as he looked up at the home that, in the dark, looked alien to him.  
    It hit him then, this terrible realization. He had left this place _this morning_. It wasn’t even a different day yet, but he felt like he had been gone for such a long time… Just this morning, Duo had been safe and happy, everything had been fine. Now, he didn’t even know where he was, if he was safe, if Wes or someone else was hurting him. He didn’t even know if he was _alive_. That thought made his stomach clench and his heart race, making him feel intensely sick. If Mizu hadn’t pulled this shit, Duo wouldn’t be missing! Heero would have been with him on the way home, he would have driven him, not let him walk around by himself! If he ever saw the man again, he was going to _kill_ him! He didn’t even know who he was more pissed at right now, Mizu, Trowa, or himself.  
    There were no lights on upstairs, making the house look dark and uninviting. Looking up at Duo’s window and seeing only darkness, not the orb lit, or even a flash of light from the television, drove it all home to Heero in a devastating way. Duo wasn’t here. He should be here. He should fling open the door and hug the both of them, happy that they were home, and eager to know what had happened in London. As Heero walked up to the door, it didn’t open. There was no one waiting for them. Something dark and twisted settled in his heart, something that went beyond anger. He felt hopeless and depressed. Duo had gone missing twice before now and each time, they had gotten nowhere.   
    The first time Duo had run away because of that huge fight they had had, when Heero had learned about Zechs and how horrible Duo’s school life had been, he had only found him thanks to one of Duo’s friends. If it hadn’t been for that red-eyed man, Duo would still be lost. And the second time, when Duo had run away because of Noventa, if Trowa hadn’t spotted Toby, they never would have found his hiding spot. This time was completely different. He didn’t know where Duo was, if he _had_ been kidnapped or if something else had happened. If he had been kidnapped, Heero didn’t know by whom, something that was vital to know if he hoped to find his best friend. Duo had too many enemies to assume it was Wes. Zechs or Relena could have easily done this, too, maybe even Chris or someone else that Heero had never met, just like how his own family had enemies that Duo had never met.  
    The worst, and most plausible, reason for Duo’s disappearance that Heero could think of, however, was that Wes had finally done what he had threatened to do. Relena would do anything to get what she wanted, but as much as he hated her now, she had been his friend once and he didn’t want to believe that she would be capable of seriously hurting or killing Duo. He didn’t think that Zechs had it in him, either. He might beat Duo up, or even rape him, but when it came to Wes, Heero knew that nothing was beyond his imagination. If it was Wes, Duo could be dead right now… Heero’s hands clenched into fists, his nails digging into his skin harshly. He couldn’t think like that, he had to believe that Duo was alive, that he wasn’t hurt. Otherwise… it felt like his heart was going to tear into little pieces inside his chest. He was already having a hard time trying not to throw up.  
    He didn’t even know where Wes lived. That was the one thing they had never been able to get out of Duo, and at the time it had never really seemed important. Recently, Duo had just brushed it off, saying that Wes wasn’t stupid, he wouldn’t bring him back to the apartment, it would be somewhere that the Yuy’s wouldn’t think to look. Now, Heero wondered if that were really true. There was something to be said about human nature and habits. All he really knew about Wes’ apartment was that it was near a Chinese restaurant. In the first couple of weeks that Duo had moved in with them, Heero’s mother had made the mistake of bringing home Chinese food one night when she had been working late. Duo had taken one smell of it and had gotten violently sick, and had had a panic attack right on top of that. Duo didn’t have such an extreme reaction to Chinese food anymore, but he could never eat very much of it and always got quiet and anxious when they had it, so they never had it more than a couple of times a month.  
    But knowing that the apartment was near a Chinese restaurant was pointless. Even if Wes _had_ taken Duo back to the apartment, there were over ten Chinese restaurants in town. Narrowing it down would take time, and Duo had never said how close the apartment was to any of those places, only that he had been able to smell the food. The only other tangible clue Heero had was what Duo’s friend had told him, that Duo’s address was fake, but if he hung around Park Street long enough, he would find him. But wasn’t that even more useless? The man had said that he would find Duo around there, not that he lived there. For all Heero knew, Park Street was where his… customers (he nearly choked at that word, even in his thoughts) had picked him up, or maybe it was just where the lot of them had hung out. He had no idea.   
    The door was unlocked for them, but when they walked inside, the hallway was dark and felt uninviting. After going to London, Heero had quickly realized that this place that he had hated at first, had thought would be so miserable and strange to him, had become home. But right now, it felt alien, as though the walls themselves didn’t want him here. Without Duo here… it just felt wrong. The lights in the hallway were off, but there was light coming both from the kitchen and the living room and Heero could hear a familiar voice murmuring, too low pitched to be Duo or Quatre’s. As Name turned the lights on in the hallway and brought in their luggage, Heero marched towards the voice he heard coming from the kitchen. Trowa was there, talking to someone on the house phone and pacing, looking like one of the big cats he and his sister had used to care for, back when they had worked with the traveling circus.  
    “Are you sure?” Trowa was asking, his voice tight and sounding strained, then paused, “Well, is your _mom_ sure?” the tightness in his voice turning to a brutal mixture of irritation and frustration.  
    The tall boy realized he was being watched and finally noticed Heero standing there. In a split second, he went from pissed off and anxious, to pure relief. Heero could almost imagine Trowa as a soldier on guard, desperately waiting to be taken off point by a comrade. He looked tired and stressed, making Heero wonder just what had gone on in the last couple of hours.   
    “Ok, thanks, Wufei,” Trowa hung up the phone as Name strode into the kitchen behind Heero.  
    “Did he have anything to tell you?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.  
    Heero didn’t have anything to say to Trowa. He knew he should. There were hundreds of questions buzzing about in his head. The entire cab ride, he had had nothing but questions to ask, but now, looking at him, all he could do was glare. The Italian looked exhausted, but Heero couldn’t even muster up any sympathy for him. He was just… so _angry_. Some logical part of himself knew that it wasn’t really Trowa’s fault, that the only one really responsible for this was whoever had taken Duo, but right now, all he wanted to do was bash Trowa’s face in for leaving Duo all alone.  
    Was this what love was? Everyone talked about it like it was this soft, warm thing, and most of the time, it was. When he looked at Duo, it hurt a little, but mostly, it felt nice, caring about someone like that, so absolutely. But when Duo wasn’t here, when he was hurt, all that love turned into something dark and twisted. It made him want to destroy anything that could possibly harm him or make him sad. It made him furious at his own friends, far beyond any logic or reasoning. He felt frantic and insane and he knew it wasn’t going to go away until he knew Duo was safe.   
    “He hasn’t heard anything from Duo, either. I,” Trowa hesitated, as though what he was about to say was intensely unpleasant to him, “I asked Wufei to ask his mother to check all the local hospitals, just in case he was registered as a john doe, but she says that there’s no one matching Duo’s description.”  
    Name let out a strained breath. That was an avenue that she hadn’t even considered, that Duo might have been hurt somehow and brought to a hospital, but hadn’t been able to tell them his name or to call her. She was listed as Duo’s emergency contact, but that only worked if someone recognized him. Hearing that Duo wasn’t in any of the local hospitals both relieved and frustrated her. As much as she didn’t want him to be hurt, it would have been a relief just to know where he was.   
    “Tell me what happened,” she demanded, her tone becoming harsh, “The last time we spoke, I told you to keep an eye on Duo, to _never_ let him go off on his own. This shouldn’t have happened!”  
    Trowa blushed and looked away from Name in shame, an expression that Heero had never seen on him before. It did nothing to soothe the anger he felt at his friend. Trowa hurriedly filled them in about everything that had happened that day, it being his and Quatre’s anniversary today, Duo being creeped out with the way Zechs had been staring at him all day, Duo wanting to go home alone, partially because he didn’t want to be the reason that Trowa and Quatre would have to cancel their plans, and partially because he felt that he needed to do it on his own, to prove to himself that he wasn’t as pathetic as he felt.   
    That admission helped dim the anger Name felt at him, just a little. She tried to reason through it, wondered if she would make the same decision, knowing how Duo had felt after Wes had almost killed Wufei in the woods. She knew that his mental health was just as important as his physical, and how low his self-esteem had been lately. It was important for him to feel proud of himself, that he wasn’t running away from Wes, from the threat he had suddenly become, but she still couldn’t admit that Trowa had made the right choice. Duo’s self-esteem was important, but nothing was more important to her than his safety. They should have waited to pull this when she and Heero were _here_! If Duo had done this on his own, maybe she could understand that, but Trowa knew how dangerous the situation was.   
    “I’ve called everyone who might know where he is,” Trowa nearly slammed the phone back down on its cradle, “Mr. Khushrenada said that Duo left school as soon as they were finished talking, so if he _was_ taken, it wasn’t on school property. He… he also informed me that Mr. Williams was the one who tampered with Duo’s grades and that he fired him over it.”  
    “In other words, we now have one more suspect,” Name said testily, “If Duo was kidnapped, Wes is still my best bet. He has the means for it, and especially the will, but who else should we be looking for?” she looked at Heero, “Do you think that Relena or Zechs would go this far?”  
    Heero thought back to when Relena had paid those boys to assault Duo, and when Zechs had beaten Duo up so badly, just for telling him no. Meanwhile, Trowa remembered what Zechs had done in Boston, attacking Quatre just to get a key to their hotel room. They both nodded.  
    “Definitely,” Heero murmured.  
    “They’re both cut from the same cloth,” Trowa said bitterly as he internally mused if obsession could be genetic, “When Duo turned him down in Middle School, Zechs made his life a living hell, and when Duo broke off their deal, he got back at him by making Heero aware of that relationship. He doesn’t care about what happens to Duo or anyone else, as long as he gets what he wants. As for Relena… you have no idea how crazy _she_ is,” he said with intense conviction.  
    Heero glared at him. He wanted to yell at the green eyed boy that he didn’t know _anything_ about Relena. How could he? Heero was the one who had always born the brunt of her obsession, so Trowa didn’t have the right to say _anything_ about her! He almost yelled that, but ignored the urge. Some part of him didn’t want to believe that Relena would kidnap Duo just to get at him. Some childish part of himself wanted to believe that she was still his friend, but that part was small in the face of everything she had done to him, everything she had done to Duo. He knew that Trowa was right, Relena was crazy. Whether she had always been that way or at some point in their relationship, she had just snapped, but he couldn’t deny how her obsession scared him. He just hated it when Trowa spoke about her with such conviction, like he knew something that he couldn’t possibly know.   
    “And what about Williams?” Name asked Trowa, wanting his honest opinion, “Or Noventa, or Zechs’ friend, Alex?”  
    Trowa sighed, rubbing at the back of his head.  
    “Don’t forget Mizu,” he pointed out, “He must be pissed that he couldn’t get you demoted.”  
    Name raised an eyebrow at him.  
    “You’re assuming a lot,” she said dryly.  
    “I know you’d never let someone as pathetic as Mizu walk all over you,” Trowa replied with a shrug, “And I’ve never met Mr. Noventa, just Sylvia, but if he’s anything like his daughter, I think he, Mizu, and Williams are too cowardly to do this. Although, who knows what any of them are capable of if they get desperate enough?”      
    Name sighed again, heavier this time. She knew that Trowa was right. She didn’t think that either her brother or Noventa were stupid enough to try to hurt Duo just to get back at her, but Noventa, at least, had been very desperate the last time they had spoken. As for Williams, changing Duo’s grades had been pretty pathetic, but losing your job in this economy made people nuts. She shook her head.  
    “If Duo really was kidnapped, I certainly hope that Williams, Noventa, or even Mizu’s were the ones to take him,” she murmured, instantly thinking of the alternative.  
    Heero was thinking about that same alternative. He wished that any of them had taken Duo, even Relena, because as crazy as she was, as much as she hated Duo, there was nothing she could do to him that would be worse than what Wes was going to do to him, might be doing to him right now… The memory of watching Duo pinned to the wall by Chris, and remembering the look on his best friend’s face when Wes had shot him, and how helpless he had felt both times, and the anger he felt at Trowa grew into something sharp and hot in his stomach.  
    “This is all _your_ fault!” he snarled at Trowa, “You promised me you would look after him, that you wouldn’t let _anything_ happen to him, then you let him go home all by himself! He’s probably with Wes, being hurt right now, all so you could have dinner with your boyfriend!”  
    Trowa’s green eyes widened in pain and guilt at Heero’s verbal attack. It hurt, hearing one of the best friends he had ever had say those things, but he knew that they were all true. They could stand around and hypothesize about who had kidnapped Duo, or if he had been kidnapped at all, but they all knew what had happened. Wes had taken him. Trowa _had_ promised Heero and Name that he would keep Duo safe, but more importantly, he had promised Duo that everything would be ok, to just wait until Heero got home, but now Heero was here and Duo was gone. If he hadn’t let Duo talk him into going to dinner with Quatre tonight, they all would have come home together. Duo would still be safe. Instead, he was probably terrified and in pain, and that was all _his_ fault.  
    “Heero… I’m so sor-,” he tried to apologize, but Heero growled at him and pushed him against the refrigerator.  
    Trowa could feel the handles of the refrigerator digging into his back, causing pain to radiate slightly there. He felt shocked and hurt that his friend would attack him like this, but when he looked into Heero’s eyes, beyond the fury was an intense pain. Heero wasn’t just hurt by Duo’s disappearance. He was scared. Trowa tried to remember any other time the Japanese boy had looked this way that hadn’t involved Duo, but the only time he could recall was when he had visited him after his father had died. That look only made him feel more guilty and he couldn’t be angry at Heero for how pissed off he was. If it had been Quatre who had taken… he shuddered. If Quatre was kidnapped and he knew that Heero had made a mistake resulting in it, he would tear his head off, too.  
    “Heero!” Name scolded in alarm, seeing him slam his friend into the refrigerator, but Heero was deaf to everything around him.  
    “You let Duo go home all alone just because you wanted some alone time with Quatre! You didn’t care about how dangerous it was,” Heero accused cruelly even as tears were starting to prick his eyes, “You were _happy_ to get rid of him!”  
    Trowa paled at Heero’s words, shortly before anger filled him. He shoved Heero away from him.  
    “Don’t you dare accuse me of abandoning Duo, of intentionally putting him in danger because he was in the way of me having a good time, like some kind of pest!” Trowa snarled, getting in Heero’s face.  
    Name watched the two of them in alarm, but didn’t know how to get either of them to back off.  
    “Duo is my friend, too!” Trowa nearly roared, his skin tingling with frustration and anger, “After everything that he’s been through, I would _never_ put him danger like that! I know what it feels like to be scared every single day, to wonder if I’ll ever be safe, I understand what Duo’s been going through! Despite what you think, Duo’s like a little brother to me and I thought this through! He was supposed to go to the bus stop along with a bunch of other students, which would drop him off two blocks away from here! This _shouldn’t_ have happened! If he really took the bus, like he was supposed to, then he had to have been taken from this street, but none of the neighbors remember seeing him, strange men, or strange cars from the time school got out!” the anger suddenly left Trowa and he seemed to deflate to Heero, “Yes,” he said in a quiet, depressed tone, “all I wanted tonight was to spend anniversary with the boy I love, and maybe that made me biased, maybe that made me agree to what Duo wanted to do too easily, but I never did it out of spite.”  
    As his rant started to wind down, Trowa looked Heero in the eye and saw a tiny bit of that fury ebb away. He felt like he eased down an attacking wolf, though by gentling or  hitting it with a baseball bat over and over until it relented, he just didn’t know. Heero’s blue eyes seemed to search him for something and then, he backed down, still looking angry, but less like he was thinking of punching Trowa in the face. Name breathed heavily in relief. She had no idea how she would have stopped the two of them if they had come to blows. She might be the adult here, but she was shorter than both of them, and in the kind of state that Heero was in right now, she didn’t think he would listen if she just demanded he stop going after Trowa. In this situation, she normally relied on Duo and Quatre to soothe their counterparts. She supposed that wasn’t fair, but although Duo wasn’t Heero’s boyfriend, he had that similar affect on him like Quatre had on Trowa.   
    “Trowa,” she interjected before either of them could start in on each other again, “Where is Quatre?”  
    The comment served to finish defusing the tense atmosphere. Heero completely turned his back on Trowa to look out the kitchen window at the black sky. When he had left London, the skies had been clear and full of bright, beautiful stars. There were no stars here, the sky filled with clouds that Heero couldn’t see. His entire body was stiff and straight as he tried to find some control over his anger.   
    ‘If Duo saw me like this,’ he thought grimly, ‘He would scold me for acting like a child. He always hates it when I lash out like this…’  
    And just like that, it was as though someone had doused the flame of rage in him with ice water. He had promised Duo he would try to not lose control like this, but it was so hard… Everything Trowa said made sense, and the anguish in his voice was so much like his own, he knew he wouldn’t hurt him or fight with him anymore. He was still pissed, but the thought of him hitting Trowa was suddenly so repulsive.  
    ‘Hitting my friend for something like this… he might have made a bad choice, but it was Wes that took him, Wes that is going to hurt Duo, not Trowa. If I hit him for this… hurt him for something that, in reality, he had very little control over… how would I be any better than Wes, shooting Duo just to gloat?’  
    Heero swallowed roughly, fighting against tears. He couldn’t do it. As angry as he was at Trowa, the more he thought about how ridiculous it was to hit him, how useless being angry at him was and how it wouldn’t solve anything but just hurt more people, the more of that anger bled away. He couldn’t be that kind of person, not anymore, not when he knew the kind of cost that came with lashing out, just to make yourself feel good. He wouldn’t fall into that pattern ever again.   
    “Quatre,” Trowa sighed and rubbed at his forehead with the back of his hand, pushing his light brown bangs up and revealing his other eye for a brief second, “He’s asleep in our room. Shortly after he called you, he realized what had happened, that Duo wasn’t just taking a nap at home and had forgotten to call. He wouldn’t even consider any other possibility except that Wes had kidnapped him and he… he didn’t take it very well. He was frantic with guilt and wouldn’t stop crying. His heart was racing and he was on edge. I realized pretty quickly that he was having a panic attack so I… I gave him a couple of the sleeping pills you have in your bathroom,” he said, looking at Name, “You don’t mind, do you?”  
    If Name wasn’t so composed, she wouldn’t have been able to stop a blush from forming. She _did_ have a bottle of sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet in her bathroom, but she hadn’t actually taken them in years. When Alexei had died and she had had her emotional break down, she had had them prescribed to her because she hadn’t been sleeping. After that, every once in awhile she would have nightmares, or just be plain restless. It was something that widows never admitted to, but after years of sleeping next to her husband, laying down in that big bed, all by herself made sleep impossible to come. She had always thought that time would eventually heal that loneliness, but it never had, not completely. Every time she opened that cabinet, she debated throwing them out, not liking being chemically dependent, for any reason, but knowing that one of those restless nights would happen again, sooner or later.   
    “I don’t mind,” she assured Trowa, “They aren’t too strong, as long as you just gave him two.”  
    “I didn’t know what to do,” he confessed in a heartbroken voice, “Quatre was frantic and kept blaming himself… sedating him was the only thing I could think of,” his green eyes darted to Heero, who still had his back to him, then back to Name, “I’m so sorry… for what we did. I should have called you and told you what was going on. I never should have let Duo do this, he just looked so desperate…”  
    Name put her hand on his shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze.  
    “Enough of that,” she ordered in an authoritative tone, “I won’t say that I’m not angry at you for making that kind of decision, but I understand why you made it, and you blaming yourself isn’t productive right now. We need to find Duo, quickly.”  
    “What do we do?” Heero turned to look at his mother, suddenly looking hopeless, “This isn’t the first time he’s gone missing and each time, we have no leads about where he is!”  
    “Do you remember where you found him when he ran away from home?” Name asked Trowa.  
    Trowa nodded.  
    “It’s been awhile, but it isn’t too far from here,” he said.  
    “And I remember the street I ran into him when we were all looking for him that first time,” Heero chimed in.  
    “Good. I want you two to start looking anywhere he might be or go. We can assume that Wes took him, but we don’t know that for sure. For all we know, he could have just had a panic attack and ran away again. Trowa can take my car, keep in contact with each other with your cell phones,” she told them.  
    “What about you?” Trowa asked, sounding subdued.  
    “I’m still waiting for confirmation on the GPS,” she sighed heavily, “Right now, that’s still our best bet. I’m also going to go to the local police and file a missing person’s report.”  
    Both Trowa and Heero looked shocked at her admission.  
    “I thought you wanted to avoid the police knowing anything about Duo’s situation,” Trowa pointed out, “You always said that, even with your family’s name backing you, it would be difficult for the police to know that Duo is living here, and about Wes. We’ve never been sure if the police are legit, or that you’d be able to get Duo out of an orphanage if he becomes a witness to all the shit that Wes has been doing! You’ve always said that Duo living here, that the authorities being oblivious to him, was the best thing for him!”  
    “Duo’s gone!” Name argued, “Wes probably has him right now and we don’t know what he’s planning to do to him! I can’t continue to keep him secret when his _life_ is in danger! If going to the police about his disappearance means that Duo is taken away by social services, I’ll fight that battle when we get to it. Right now, finding him is the only thing that matters.”  
    Heero ran his hand through his thick hair, feeling as though everything was spiraling into a black pit. He and Trowa nearly jumped as the sound of Name’s cell phone ringing startled them.  
    “About time,” she muttered as she saw on her caller ID that it was the phone company and answered it.  
    “Are you ok with going to the police?” Trowa asked Heero quietly as Name demanded the person on the other line to tell her if they had a read from Duo’s cell phone, their previous fight suddenly forgotten.  
    How he possibly be ok with his mother telling the police that Duo had been kidnapped by his past abuser, that Duo really didn’t have any family and was therefore supposed to be a ward of the state? Best case scenario, the police managed to find Duo and Wes, but, considering that Wes wasn’t clean by any definition of the word, there was going to be a criminal investigation. Duo would become a witness, and then sent to some foster home where he would get lost in the system. Heero wasn’t familiar with the American foster child system, but he didn’t think that someone Duo’s age, with his past and psychological problems had a huge chance of getting adopted. That pissed him off, realizing that someone who wanted to be a parent would look over someone like Duo, someone who was sweet and kind and smart, just because he was ‘too old’ and higher maintenance than other kids.  
    He supposed that, if it really came to that, his mother would adopt Duo, but that would all depend on how an investigation would turn out. It probably looked a little… strange, if not suspicious, that they had been hiding Duo for so long. Mostly, he didn’t want Duo to have to go through all that. The worst case scenario of his mother telling the police about Duo’s disappearance… was what if the cops had been bought off, or blackmailed by Wes? In that case, instead of doing their job, they would just inform Wes that Name was desperate to find Duo, even that she was willing to do just about anything to find him. Maybe that information would panic Wes, maybe he would start to believe that killing Duo would make it easier for him to get away…  
    Heero choked _that_ thought to death as quickly as possible. What use was it for him to think that Duo was dead, before they had even tried to find him? The police could help them, he tried to reason. His mother was right. All that mattered right now was making sure that Duo was safe. His fear of being separated from his best friend because he wasn’t technically supposed to be living with them, and had no one else to look out for him, was irrelevant when Duo’s life was at risk. But he couldn’t ignore the feeling that going to the police in this case was going to bite them in the ass sooner or later. Still… Duo needed them, and he would do anything that was necessary to find him. He just wished that he could know for sure that the police could help them find his friend.  
    “Whatever Mom needs to do,” he murmured.  
    “Thank you,” Name said, hissing “shit,” as soon as she hung up the phone.  
    “What’s wrong?” Trowa asked, a slight hitch to his voice.  
    “They can’t get a track on the GPS signal, which means that either his phone is off like it was in Boston, or his phone is broken,” she informed them in a very irritated tone, “If it’s just turned off, there’s a very small chance that Duo might still be able to turn it on and we can get a signal from wherever he is, if the phone wasn’t thrown away.”  
    “That isn’t going to happen,” Heero murmured in a depressed tone.   
    Name looked at him sharply, while Trowa just gave a small, distinct nod in agreement.  
    “What is that supposed to mean?” she demanded.  
    “It means that, in all likelihood, Duo’s phone was either intentionally broken, or thrown away as soon as he was taken. We’re never going to get a GPS signal off of it,” Trowa told her.  
    “We can’t assume that,” Name tried to protest, trying to cling to that one hope.  
    “Wes is nothing like Chris,” Heero explained coldly, remembering with distaste the large brunette that had kidnapped him and Duo, “Duo told me a long time ago that Wes is just as smart as he is cruel, if he wasn’t, he would have been killed a long time ago. He also told me that Wes keeps a tight grip on all of his contacts, partners, and anyone that works for him. I think that Wes is well aware that Chris left Duo and I in that room to die, instead of letting us go like Wes ordered him to do, and that we had outside help getting out of there, which should have been impossible unless it had been something _prior_ to the actual kidnapping attempt, and GPS chips in cell phones aren’t exactly rare…”  
    “You think that Wes guessed that I was able to track your location in Boston because of a GPS chip, and either broke or disposed of Duo’s phone to be safe?” Name asked in shock.  
    “I think that Wes is smart enough, and paranoid enough, to think of something like that,” Heero said with conviction, “He isn’t going to take any chances this time. If we find Duo, it won’t be because Wes screwed up.”  
    The already somber mood seemed to plummet with that comment. Name could feel it, that they were easily giving up the theory that someone else had taken Duo, or that he had run away. She knew that, in order to be thorough, she should be looking for clues to include _any_ possibility, but deep down, she knew that Duo didn’t have that kind of time, and she just knew, in a way that had nothing to do with logic, that this _was_ Wes. That belief made all these things that they were theorizing seem all the more horrible. She knew that her son was right. Wes was a careful man. He would have found the cell phone when he took Duo’s things away from him, and even if Wes had never thought of the GPS chip, he probably would have gotten rid of the cell phone just to make sure Duo could never contact them. From what Duo had told them about Wes, Name doubted that Duo would be given many chances to get away or have access to any way to let them know where he was, if any at all. If he even knew where he was.  
    “Can I have the phone book?” Heero asked his mother.  
    “What are you thinking?” Name questioned as she dug their phone book out of drawer and handed it to him, along with their house phone.  
    “Are you positive that Duo said he was going to take the bus home?” Heero asked Trowa, who nodded, “If you’re planning on going to the police, it’ll help if we know what actually happened to Duo before he was taken,” he told Name as he flipped through the phone book, “and maybe the bus driver actually remembers him getting on the bus. He has a pretty distinctive description.”  
    Heero found the phone number to the bus company and dialed, but it took him a couple of attempts to get through without a busy signal.  
    “Hi,” he said once he got a human voice instead of an automated one informing him of changing schedules and directory numbers, “I’m looking for the name of the driver of the bus that works the route including Hill Street, a couple of blocks from the High School, this afternoon.”  
    “What scheduled time are you looking for,” the bored, almost tired sounding male voice asked.  
    “It would be the 2:30, 2:45, or 3:00,” Heero told him.  
    There was a pause over the line, but it didn’t sound like the man was looking anything up over the computer or through papers.  
    “Are you missing any friends or family from that stop?” the man now sounded hesitant and weary, rousing Heero’s paranoia.  
    “… Yes,” he admitted suspiciously.  
    There was a heavy sigh over the line.  
    “I’m sorry, sir, but the bus that was scheduled to that stop at 2:30 was involved in a traffic accident and couldn’t make its scheduled stop. The driver and others involved in the accident have been brought to Mercy Hospital,” the man told him.  
    “Thank you,” Heero murmured and turned off the phone with a slightly shaking hand.  
    He felt cold all of a sudden, the man’s words ringing in his head. An accident… in any other situation, he would have laughed out loud at the incredible string of bad luck that had been stalking him the last twelve hours. If Duo wasn’t missing, he would have joked with Heero that he should lock himself into his room until this really bad day was over with. He wished it was that simple. He felt like his heart was stopping as he tried to piece together what could have happened with this piece of information.  
    “Heero, what is it?” Name urged, alarmed as her son lost what little color was left on his face.  
    “The bus was in an accident some time before 2:30,” he murmured, then looked at his mother, looking lost and horrified and a bit like the child that he had once been, “Mom, what if he got to the bus stop early? What if he was on the bus when it got into an accident and he’s… he’s…”  
    Heero suddenly felt incredibly sick, on the verge of nausea and a truly bad headache. It was something that he hadn’t considered, that Wes didn’t have anything to do with Duo’s disappearance at all. In his mind, he only saw the remains of that bus, the metal twisted, resembling a discarded tin can. He should have asked the man how bad the accident had been, but the second he had told him about it, his mind had gone blank. What if Duo was lying dead in the hospital morgue, or in a coma? He barely realized that he had started to shake until he felt his mother grip his shoulder. He looked up into her kind, worried brown eyes. An old, childish instinct made him want to curl up in her arms, to let her make all the bad things go away.  
    “Heero, I’m sure that didn’t happen,” she said softly and calmly, “He was probably with Treize for a little while, I doubt he had gotten to the bus stop by 2:15, if the accident had even happened then. It might have happened before 2, for all we know.”  
    “Heero, Wufei had his mother check for anyone matching Duo’s description, including the morgue,” Trowa reminded his friend, “He isn’t there.”  
    Suddenly, it all clicked into place in Trowa’s mind.  
    “Oh, God,” he murmured.  
    “What is it?” Name snapped, tired of feeling so off balance by all these insights.  
    “Duo _didn’t_ get on that bus!” Trowa theorized, “Think about it. He isn’t in the hospital, and none of our neighbors remember seeing him. He couldn’t have been taken from the bus stop to the house, _someone_ would have noticed something. He must have gone to the bus stop _after_ the accident had already happened and had decided to walk home on his own. Wes probably took him on his way back here.”  
    “But why would he do that?!” Heero demanded angrily, “Why would he risk his safety walking back here on his own when he could have just picked up the damn phone and called you to pick him up?!”  
    “Because… he wanted Quatre and I to have our anniversary together,” Trowa said dejectedly in realization, “He didn’t want to be the reason for us abandoning our reservations. He’s always hated being a burden to us, has always seen his problem as stupid, something he should just get over so he stops leaning on us. So, when he decided to go home alone, to prove to us and himself that he was capable of it, even though he knew it was dangerous, he probably decided not to rely on us for help anyway.”  
    Heero ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He knew very well about how self-conscious Duo felt about his mental and emotional issues, how he often worried that, one day, they would all give up on him, that he would become a burden. All Duo wanted was to be normal. And Wes just kept dragging him back down. It wasn’t enough that the bastard had destroyed Duo’s childhood, confidence, and health, every time he showed up, either in reality or Duo’s nightmares, he put cracks in that desire.   
    Heero had no idea how he could convince Duo that he didn’t need to prove he was strong and brave to anyone. He had survived almost ten years of living with that pedophilic asshole, had survived Zechs bullying and sexually harassing him with no one to help, had even survived living on the streets. How could possibly think that Duo was weak? And in the last few months, he had only shown that strength over and over. He had stopped doubting himself so much, had stopped having as many of those awful nightmares and panic attacks. And now, he was back with that monster. Heero’s second greatest fear, right after Wes killing or otherwise seriously, physically hurting Duo, was that Wes’ actions would undo all that growth and good.   
    “Can we all agree that Duo walked home by himself, and that he never got on that bus?” Trowa asked, crossing his arms over his chest.  
    He knew that they shouldn’t assume anything at this point, but his version of events made sense and he didn’t want to waste precious time looking at this bus angle.  
    “Yes,” Name sighed, “That makes more sense than anything else.”  
    “I’ll start looking at the school, you should go to the empty apartments were you found him last time,” Heero told Trowa.  
    “No,” Name interrupted, “It’s eleven at night. I won’t have you arrested for breaking into the school.”  
    Heero opened his mouth to protest, but she was too tired to deal with it.  
    “I mean it, Heero,” she said sternly, “We’ll go there tomorrow and ask the cleaning staff to open it for us. It’s highly unlikely there’s going to be any clue about where he is there anyway. For now, go to the park and the street you found him last time. I want both of you back in no later than three to four hours.”  
    “That isn’t enough time!” Heero argued.  
    “You aren’t going to drive around all night long!” she snapped at him, “We’ve been going since four this morning. You need sleep, Heero. We won’t be able to question anyone tonight, so if you can’t find any sign of him in four hours time, I doubt you’ll have any more luck with six or seven.”  
    “I’ll make sure we’re back home by then,” Trowa promised, ignoring Heero’s heated glare.  
    “Give me the keys to the Jaguar,” Name told Heero as she tossed the keys to her own car at Trowa.  
    Heero got his key ring from his pocket and detached the key to the car he hadn’t used in month, handing it to her. Despite his current irritation at her, he was instantly glad that she was taking the Jag and not his Lamborghini. It would have twisted him up inside, driving around, looking for Duo in the same car he had all those months ago. He nearly shuddered, remembering how long it had taken him to clean Duo’s blood from the car. It looked fine now, but every time he got into that car, he could only see that blood, could only remember all the mistakes he had made at that time and the terrible guilt he had felt. He knew how illogical it was, but some part of him felt true fear at driving that car tonight, as though the past might repeat itself and he would find Duo, but he would make some terrible mistake and his best friend would end up hurt.   
    Name waited for Trowa and Heero to leave the house before sighing wearily. This was a nightmare, one that she had hoped to never live again. If Duo hadn’t gone missing, she and Heero would still be in London, packing to get ready to catch a flight back home. They would have gotten home tomorrow morning, when Duo, Trowa, and Quatre had still been sleeping. She would have made them a huge breakfast, celebrating both her victory over her brother and that tomorrow was the very first day of their summer break. She should be making plans to take the tarp cover off the pool in their back yard, buying Duo some swim wear and anything else he needed for the summer, maybe doing some yard work. When they had moved here, she had really wanted to plant some flowers, but had never had the free time to do it when winter had turned to spring. Instead, here she was, frantic and worrying that something horrible had happened, all because of a lapse of judgment, on both Duo and Trowa’s parts.  
    She slipped the key to Heero’s other car into her pocket and made her way up the steps. She had the urge to go to Duo’s room for some reason, though she knew that that was pointless unless she just wanted to feel more pain at his sudden disappearance, and had to force herself not to. She wasn’t a masochist. It would hurt to much, seeing the room empty, knowing that he was probably in a terrible situation right now because of her inability to keep him safe like she had promised. Instead, she walked as quietly as she could to Trowa and Quatre’s bedroom and opened the door.   
    Quatre was indeed fast asleep, curled up on his side facing her. At some point, Trowa had undressed him into his pajamas. One of his arms was thrown gently over Cassy, who was curled up a lot like Quatre, tucked against his chest, looking like a little kid with a stuffed animal. The tiger-striped cat looked up at her, her blue-grey eyes narrowing slightly, before closing her eyes again, snuggling against Quatre, judging Name as a non-threat. Name smiled at the picture they made and quietly closed the door behind her. At least one of them was going to get some sleep tonight.  
  
*****  
  
    Name could never really decide if St. Peters was a small town or not. It had several indicators of one, with it’s tourist driven gift shops and underdeveloped public buildings, but just in terms of physical size vs. population, it wasn’t tiny. There were a fair amount of businesses, if not a lot of chains and the hospital was of a decent size. The police station, on the other hand, was barely bigger than some of the houses she had passed to get there, with only two cop cars in the parking lot, or maybe there were more out back. They looked fairly low budget, too. It was strange, since she knew that the town had a problem with crime, thanks to several comments and reflections Duo had given to her about what Wes did and who he associated with. Either the public wasn’t aware of such problems or there just wasn’t enough money for a better police force.   
    She made a mental note to do some research on that. If it was simply a matter of money, she could give them a donation, especially if they proved to be legitimate. If not, she would be giving them something else entirely. Wes might have power and money, along with the cruelty for any sane man to be scared of him, but she had her own connections. If she found out that any of these cops were on his side, she would make sure they would lose the badge that they didn’t deserve.   
    The entire drive to the police station, Name had rolled her decision to go to the police around and around in her head. Ever since Duo had told them about Wes while laying in that hospital bed, sobbing and in terrible pain by Wes and Chris’ hands, she had struggled with that decision. At the time, she had been positive that her choice to simply take Duo in and ignore the legal element of it had been right. Duo had been too sick, mentally and physically, to deal with an investigation, and she had been scared of losing him in the system. It wasn’t that she couldn’t have used her influence to adopt him. She would have needed the Yuy name, too. Although she was a mother, the adoption system in this state was archaic.   
    Before adoption, she would have had to foster Duo, to prove she could take care of him. While she had the money to do that, it was illegal for a woman to foster a child while holding a job, so she would have had to work the system quite a bit to get around that. But, mostly, she had worried, not about the legal ramifications in having Wes arrested and Duo as a witness against him, and then ending up in the foster system with no parent to speak for him, but about the emotional strain it would have put on Duo. At the time, he had barely been able to make the decision to come home with them, let alone the stress speaking out against his abuser would have done. She still stood by that initial choice.  
    But now she wondered if she had made the right choice in not going through… less legal channels. She had believed that by going after Wes that way, she would be putting Duo in danger from Wes’ partners. She had also worried about how Duo would look at her if he ever found out about her doing something so morally… grey. She had wondered, at first, if she ever went through it, if she could forgive herself for putting a hit out on another human being. She had always been against such things, believing that all human life was sacred, and since she was in a position of such power, she should always act beyond reproach. She had believed that, if she abused her power in such a way, she would be setting a bad example, not to others with similar power, but to her son who would, one day, take the company from her.   
    Then, the weeks and months had passed with Duo living with them and, day after day, she had started to love Duo more and more like her own child. Above all else, she had an intensely protective, maternal streak, that had always been a part of her personality. When it came to Heero, she had always thrown away logic, had always been capable of anything, so long as she could keep him safe. And as the weeks had passed, she had not only started to become more attached to Duo, more invested in his health and happiness, she had learned more about his past. Had learned about how horrible his childhood had been, the kind of monster that Wes was.   
    With every nightmare, every panic attack, every realization of how Wes’ abuse had hurt him, that anger at the man, that protective streak had turned into a blazing fire in her. Then she had learned that that damage hadn’t just extended to Duo’s confidence and emotional growth. For the rest of his life, he had to wear contacts because Wes had nearly shattered his skull. For the rest of his life, he would be tired and would have to take iron pills because of the hundreds of times Wes had made him bleed and had failed to give him proper nutrition and health care. And for the rest of his life, Duo would have to take medication to do what his spleen should be doing, or risk serious illness, because of repeated, violent blows to his side and massive infection. And that wasn’t even considering the psychological damage the bastard had done.   
    After realizing all of that, and after Wes had shot Duo in the shoulder in the woods, Name had realized that she didn’t really care if that man lived or not, didn’t care about her morals or some sort of system of higher right and wrong. If she had found herself in a room with the man and someone had given her a loaded gun or a knife or, hell, just a heavy, blunt object, she would have taken him out, just on the principle of what he had done, not even considering the threat he was to someone she loved. What was more, she would have felt _good_ about killing him, vindicated. Nothing anyone could say could convince her of otherwise. And now, with Duo missing, she realized that the possibility that someone might come after Duo for her having Wes killed, or him being taken away from them by the police and put into foster care didn’t matter. All that mattered was making sure that Duo was safe and alive, as far away from that monster as possible. She couldn’t take the chance that they would help Duo on their own. Even if they could, she couldn’t let Wes get away with this. Not anymore.       
    The inside of the police station was just as quaint as the outside. There was a large, wrap around desk in the lobby with four doors, one behind the desk, one to the higher-ups offices, the third led to holding cells and an interrogation room, and the last was to a stairwell. Name didn’t know if there was a lot more to the station than that, but it didn’t look like a very serious set up to her. The front area was mostly the desk and some chairs, making up a little waiting room, but the only other person there was an older man with a salt and pepper beard wearing a leather jacket and looking very pissed off. The cop at the front desk barely spared him a glance, so Name assessed that he was probably here because of an unpaid ticket or something just as mundane.   
    The cop looked fairly young to her, probably a trainee, with dirty blonde hair and pale blue eyes. Considering how late it was, she wasn’t sure if he was simply on the night shift, or if this was late to him, but he flashed her a smile as she approached the desk. She saw a spark of recognition on his face and relaxed, hoping that that would make things go quicker. Normally it irritated her because she liked to keep a low profile, but in this case, throwing the family name around might do her some good.  
    “Can I help you, Mrs. Yuy?” the cop said, rather boldly, still smiling, but there was a tightness to his expression, as though he was wary of her, or maybe that was because of her sudden irritation at being address by her name without any kind of introduction.  
    “Yes,” she jumped right into it, “I need to file a missing person’s report. A friend of my son’s was sleeping over at our house tonight, but he’s disappeared. I assumed that he simply went back home to his father without informing me, but his father isn’t answering the phone either. I’m afraid something might have happened to them.”  
    “What do the boy and his father look like?” the cop asked, seeming hesitant or nervous.  
    “My son’s friend is on the short side, about five two or five three, long brown hair in a braid, fifteen years of age, violet eyes,” Name said as clinically as possible, feeling very glad that Duo was so… unique, “His name is Duo Maxwell. I’ve never met his father personally, but I know he’s tall, blonde, and has grey eyes. His name is Wes or Wesley.”  
    A childish part of her couldn’t decide if she wanted to chuckle or squirm calling the asshole ‘Wesley’. She watched as the cop dug out a pad of paper and started writing down the information. She almost felt bad about lying to him, but there would be a lot more unwanted attention drawn to the truth than just a mother concerned about her son’s friend. There was also a higher chance of someone spotting Wes than Duo at this point and she would take whatever information she could get.   
    “If someone could just check up on them and give me any kind of information, it would be really helpful,” she said, trying not to sound urgent or demanding, “I’d be willing to lend any resources to assist.”  
    That was as subtle as she could say that she was willing to bribe him to help her without actually giving him a blank check. To her relief he nodded.  
    “I’ll file a report and see if I can pull up their home residence. Typically, cases like these are just an issue of communication. Your son’s friend probably _did_ go home and his father just won’t answer the phone this late at night. Can I have your phone number so we can call with any information?” he asked politely.   
    Name wrote it down for him, then reached over the desk to shake his hand, suddenly feeling more at ease. She had thought that this was going to be a huge chore, that she would be asked a ton of questions that she would be unable to answer without drawing suspicion. She still doubted that the police would be able to help beyond giving her a small clue about where Wes might be, since she wasn’t ready to tell them everything she knew about the man.  
    “Thank you so much,” she said.  
    “Thank you for the information, Mrs. Yuy. I’ll try my best to keep you in the loop,” he nodded to her.  
    The cop watched Name leave the station intensely. As soon as the door closed behind her, his head whipped around to look at the door to the police chief’s office, making sure that he hadn’t heard any of the conversation he had just had with her, but the door was closed and through the blinds, he could just barely tell that the man was still talking on the phone. He breathed in relief. The last thing he needed was for his superior to start asking questions. Another officer walked into the front room and gestured to the older man sitting near the desk, leading him out back to give payment for his outstanding parking ticket. The second the two of them disappeared from his sight, he dug his cell phone out of his pants and dialed a number from memory.  
  
****  
  
    Wes made a low, snarling sound of irritation as, just before he completely succumbed to sleep, the phone rang. His hand blindly reached out to grab at the phone on the bedside table and he actually got it off its cradle before it finally registered in his brain that the ring tone wasn’t the one from the main line, but one of the cloned cell phones. Still refusing to actually turn a light on or open his eyes further than a bleary slit, he opened the drawer on the table and dug around until he touched a phone that was vibrating. He glared at the lighted display, registering the number of the caller with annoyance.  
    “What is it?” he snapped into the phone.  
    “Name Yuy was here. She’s looking for you,” a scared voice informed him, “She was trying to file a missing person’s report on some kid…”  
    Wes snorted.   
    “So what? Just don’t file the damn report. Tell Phillips and Corsack what happened, so if the bitch asks what’s taking so long, you’ll all be on the same page. After awhile, she’ll just assume there’s no leads and won’t figure out you gave her the run around. This isn’t that fucking complicated, dumb ass,” Wes said in exasperation.  
    “But… the chief…” the young cop protested.  
    “Is an old pig on the verge of retirement,” Wes snapped, “As long as you keep Yuy in the dark, he’ll never know about any of this.”  
    Christ, he hated greenies. You had to lead them around like little kids and they didn’t have an original thought in their heads. Phillips and Corsack would have waited to call in the morning, only to tell him that they had it all under control. He should have just took this kid out and had him replaced with someone who could figure this shit out on their own.   
    “This is Name _Yuy_ we’re talking about!” the cop suddenly sounded more frustrated than scared, “If she finds out, do you have any idea what she’ll do to me?! She… she was going to pay me to help find that kid…”  
    Wes came to the conclusion of the cop’s statement instantly, feeling very annoyed. So, the kid thought he could jump sides because Yuy could pay him more? He sat up in bed and smirked in the dark. This boy really was an idiot.  
    “If you get caught, that really isn’t my problem now, is it? But, if you make trouble for me, you won’t have to worry about who pays you more… I’ll kill you,” Wes hung up the phone and tossed it back into the drawer.  
    “Fucking moron,” he muttered before rolling over and trying to find sleep again.  
  
End Part 9


	56. The Second Son Part 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Name employs drastic measures to find Duo. Heero struggles to deal with Duo's kidnapping. Wes uses underhanded tactics to try to get Duo to agree to stay with him.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 10  
  
  
  
    After leaving the police station, and making a phone call to a person she had never actually contacted before, after an inner, moral but useless debate about going down that particular avenue, Name spent two hours driving around the town, trying to spot either a familiar braid, or someone who might fit Wes’ description before finally conceding that there was only so much she could search in the dark like this. What she really needed was to ask around, either try to find someone who had seen Wes, or that boy that had helped point Heero in the right direction before. At two in the morning, there weren’t many people walking around and she doubted any of them would want to talk to her, so she headed home.   
    She was surprised to see that both Heero’s and her own cars were in the garage and wondered what trick Trowa had used to get her son to come back early. When it came to Duo, Heero truly had a stubborn streak to the point of self-negligence and she hadn’t expected him to stop looking until she had had to drag him back home. The lights were on in the kitchen and she could smell the familiar scent of coffee. She shook her head as she locked the door behind her and made her way down the hall. She knew she should probably chastise Heero for drinking caffeine this late, but doubted that any of them would be getting much sleep anyway. At least, she knew that she would be tossing and turning with restlessness and bad dreams for a good, long time.   
    Again Name was surprised, this time with finding Trowa sitting at the kitchen table, drinking from a porcelain mug instead of her son. She didn’t hear anyone moving upstairs, but assumed that that was where he was. Trowa looked up at her, nodding in greeting, and she quickly realized just how tired he was. His green eyes were nearly half-lidded as he looked at her and she could clearly see dark circles under them. Beyond that, the tall Italian just looked… weary. He looked just about how she felt.  
    “I take it that you didn’t have any luck, either?” she said in a dry drawl, walking over to the coffee machine, thankful to see that Trowa had been considerate and had made enough for her.  
    “Nothing,” Trowa murmured, taking a sip of his coffee, “I found the apartments he was hanging out around last time, but he wasn’t on any of the balconies and all of the entrances were boarded up. Heero went looking around the back roads that we’ve walked a few times to get back home. Some teenaged boys remembered seeing a girl with a chestnut braid on that last back road before you hit this street. It _could_ be Duo and they just mistook him for a girl, or it could have just been a girl that happened to have hair similar to Duo’s, we can’t be sure.”  
    Name sat down across from Trowa with her black coffee, taking a tiny drink of it. It was fairly bitter without any cream or sugar, but she had always liked it this way. Besides, it fit her current mood.   
    “So, we can’t even assume that he made it that far,” she concluded, “Although, if Duo got onto that last back street, he had to have been taken from there if no one saw him on our street. If that’s true, surely _someone_ had to have seen it happen.”  
    Trowa shrugged.  
    “Not necessarily. It was too late for lunch, too earlier for anyone going home, and it was a back street. I doubt there were many people around, and if there were, they would mostly be those on errands. People like that are usually so busy thinking about groceries or things they need to do when they get home and are in their own little world. People can be pretty oblivious to things around them, even a kidnapping. Or, if they did see something, a lot times they’re too scared to say anything. I doubt they would talk to us about it. Even without people knowing who he is and what he is capable of, Wes is a damn scary man,” he shivered, remembering that night in the woods when he had met Wes for the very first time.   
    Name cupped her hands around her mug of coffee, feeling the heat soaking through to her fingers, not having realized just how cold she felt. She tried very hard not to think about how Duo was at the mercy of that ‘damn scary man.’   
    “So, did you make the call?” Trowa suddenly asked, looking somehow cat-like as he peered over at her.   
    Name’s dark eyes widened in shock at his question.  
    “You aren’t supposed to know about that,” she accused.  
    Trowa nonchalantly took another sip of his coffee.  
    “Just because I practically grew up in a trailer doesn’t mean I’m an idiot,” he quipped dryly, “Quatre’s father had a man that he would contact whenever something went… wrong. He tried to keep it from Quatre, but when people who threaten the Winner family suddenly end up dead or missing, it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.”  
    Name sighed, running a hand through her short hair.  
    “I’ve never actually used this connection like that,” she confessed.  
    “Well, you and Mr. Winner aren’t exactly cut from the same cloth,” Trowa pointed out, “They’re just a cross between private investigators and mercenaries, men like Winner can justify using them, but that’s all they are. Still, if you think that this person can help find Duo…”  
    “That’s only half of what I requested from him,” Name murmured, “I advised him to go through legal channels with all of this, but what I want is for Wes to be incapable of hurting Duo ever again. If he has to kill him in order for that to happen…”   
    “And you’re ok with that?” Trowa asked, more curious than shocked by her admission.  
    Name’s expression was more guilty than convinced as she looked at him.  
    “I don’t know,” she admitted softly, “All that matters is Duo’s safety. As long as Wes holds any power over him, I can’t prioritize my own feelings and morality. I’ve always looked down on people who take hits out on their enemies like this, I’ve always believed that we should only act within the law, so maybe it is hypocritical of me, but I can’t risk Duo’s welfare. In reality, I should have made that call months ago.”  
    “I know this is a big deal for you,” Trowa said in a soothing tone, “and regardless of the decision you’ve made, struggling with it proves the kind of person you are, but realistically, I don’t even think that making that call, or going to the police is going to make much of a difference in getting Duo back.”  
    “You’re underestimating my connections,” Name said just a tiny bit defensively, “I may have never contacted him for a hit, but he’s a very good private investigator.”  
    “I’m sure he is, but while Wes doesn’t have your level of wealth and power, he’s a survivor. He’s used to making do with subversion and violence. After all these years, he’s never been caught and there has to be a reason for that. The most we can hope for is that he gets some kind of clue to where Wes is, I doubt he’ll be able to take him out,” he told her.  
    “He’s just a man,” Name argued, “I have to hope that doing something against my nature is going to make some kind of difference! I have to hope that we can save him…”  
    “And what if it doesn’t come down to that?” Trowa asked, feeling hopeless, “What if, no matter how much we search, we can’t find him, or anyone who has seen him?”  
    Name felt something very cold and very hard wrap around her heart at that statement. What would they do if they couldn’t find Duo? She didn’t even want to contemplate that possibility, that she might fail her charge. That was unacceptable. She had promised Duo that she would take care of him, and there was no way she would accept giving up on him.   
    “We won’t stop searching,” she said with conviction, “Somehow, we’ll find him. It seemed impossible the last two times, but we found him anyway.”  
    Trowa smiled and nodded to her. He knew how hopeless, how painful and difficult it was going to be, trying to find Duo when they had no leads and very little time to locate him. He didn’t want to think about it in those terms, that they had to find him before Wes hurt or killed him, but he had to be realistic. Wes had already had him for hours now, had probably already hurt him, at the very least raped him… that thought made him feel so frantic, so twisted up inside, but what else could he think? Name hadn’t met Wes, she didn’t realize how insane the man was, hadn’t seen the blonde look at Duo like a bastard mix between a father and a lover. If Chris, who was so much more impartial, had assaulted Duo in front of Heero, how could he possibly think that Wes wouldn’t take advantage of his friend, now that he had him to himself?  
    He wished that he had some sense of time, some idea of what Duo was going through right now, so he could know if they dared even sleep tonight. He didn’t want to believe that Wes so insane that he would consider killing Duo for whatever reason, or to badly hurt him. He had claimed to love Duo, but Trowa knew first hand how worthless love was coming from a man like Wes. His uncle had said things like that, but he had still easily hurt him. He had learned that words like that were hollow, that only someone’s actions mattered. Just because Wes thought he loved Duo, it didn’t mean he wouldn’t kill him if Duo provoked him, or worse, if they got to close to finding him. After all, he had shot him even when Duo hadn’t done anything to piss him off.  
    Trowa remembered, very clearly, what Duo had looked like in the hospital. Besides his more obvious injuries, including his ruptured spleen and the excessive bleeding, Duo had been practically covered in bruises and marks and Trowa had no doubt that most of those had been because of the blond sociopath. That he thought he cared for Duo at all was laughable. Beyond the fact that Wes was likely to snap sooner or later, Trowa had another reason to believe that they were in a race against time. Because of people scamming pharmacies for drugs, Duo only had one bottle of his prescribed medication.   
    Sure, the pills he took to do what his spleen could no longer do weren’t something that anyone could take to get high, but the medication was very expensive, especially at black market prices, so he never took it with him unless he had to. Trowa knew for a fact that if he went to the upstairs bathroom, all of Duo’s medication would be in the cabinet. He had read up on the medication Duo was taking and knew that he could last about three days before he got three really sick, but he was also anemic and Trowa didn’t know how to calculate that into the time it would take for Duo’s system to be affected.   
    If they didn’t find him in the next three days, what Wes did to him might now matter by then. He didn’t want to bring it up to Name or Heero, didn’t want their judgment to become clouded with how dire the situation was. He was sure that they knew anyway. Despite all of that, despite knowing that there was nearly no hope of finding Duo, of getting to him in time, Trowa found Name’s confidence reassuring. If there was anyone in the world who could find Duo based on willpower alone, he was sure it would be Name. Well, and Heero. Even back when Heero had been pissed at him, he had managed to find him. Sure, he had had help, but Trowa was positive that, even without that, Heero never would have given up looking. He just hoped that it would be enough this time.  
    “Enough,” Name patted his hand, “We’ll think more clearly about this in the morning.”  
    “Right,” he murmured and relinquished his empty cup of coffee to Name, who brought both of them over to the sink to be washed, “Heero wants to go look for that blonde man who helped him find Duo before tomorrow. I was thinking about contacting Mr. Khushrenada, ask him exactly what happened yesterday before Duo left the school. Maybe he can also ask around and find out what other students usually take the bus back home.”  
    “That’s a good idea,” Name agreed, “The more information we get about what happened after Duo left school, the more likely we’ll find someone who might have seen what had happened when he was kidnapped.”  
    The two of them said their good nights to each other, but neither held any illusions that they were actually going to get much sleep that night, and it would have absolutely nothing to do with the caffeine.  
  
*****  
  
    When Trowa had called Heero to come home earlier than his mother’s imposed curfew, he had wanted to be pissed at him. At the time, it had been in him to ignore him entirely, and keep on looking for his friend, but that had mostly been because he hadn’t wanted to admit it, either to himself or Trowa, or even his mother, just how fruitless his search had been. Not only had he not found a single clue as to where Wes had taken Duo, he hadn’t found the blonde man that Duo was friends with, either. It really shouldn’t have been hard. In his mind, he could still see him, as clearly as he could back then. He remembered, vividly, how the blonde had scared him, only to give him such a gift, without asking anything more than his name.   
    The man had been even taller than Trowa was and the only thing that had seemed more threatening than his size and the imposing aura he had seemed to project had been his intense, blood colored eyes. Between those things and his long, golden hair, just as long and straight as Zechs’ and Mrs. Khushrenada’s, it should have been fairly simple to go back to the last place he had seen him and just ask around until _someone_ recognized his description of the blonde, perhaps could even give him a name, but although he had managed to find a few people walking around at this hour, they had either outright refused to talk to him, which he wasn’t surprised about, given that it had been a pretty bad neighborhood, or hadn’t recognized his description.   
    Although, thinking back, Heero wondered if he could really trust that. He was an ‘old friend’ of Duo’s, like Amaaya, so he was either a street kid or a prostitute, or both. With those eyes… all that maturity and roughness that had made him look older than he probably was… it was the same way that Duo looked sometimes and Heero doubted that Duo would have made friends with a drug dealer or someone with a similar profession who would be hanging around a neighborhood like that, considering the contempt he had for the things that Wes did to make money. He wondered if anyone from that same neighborhood would help a rich brat like him find a prostitute. After seeing Amaaya and Duo together, he had easily concluded that that bunch looked after their own, and anyone else would probably too scared of the blonde to tell him anything.  
    Was it really hopeless? Heero didn’t want to believe that. No, he couldn’t believe it. He just couldn’t bring himself to accept the possibility that he would never find Duo, that he might never see him again. It was a terrible thing to think, but he would rather discover Duo in the hospital, in a coma or something, than with Wes. After everything the man had done to his friend, Heero wasn’t so sure if they would be able to bring Duo back this time, mentally and not just physically. Things had gotten so bad when Wes had just showed up again, what would happen if he had really kidnapped him? What would happen if they couldn’t find him?   
    Heero held no illusions that, the longer Wes had Duo, the more the American was going to break apart. Duo wouldn’t survive going back to the man permanently. He was either going to check out mentally, or physically, either through Wes’ neglect or his own hand. That thought made him shudder, but what else could he think? They _had_ to find him, Heero refused to accept any other outcome. If they didn’t… he would be letting Duo down again, he would be letting _himself_ down. He had made a promise to himself to be stronger, to protect Duo from Wes no matter what, to never let what had happened in Boston, neither them almost dying or how he had reacted to the situation afterwards, to ever happen again. But it _had_ happened again. Duo was hurt and alone and no matter how much he tried to not think it, he had to wonder what he could possibly do.  
    Again, he felt completely powerless. Wes was strong and smart and against him, Heero felt like a dumb little kid. What could he possibly do? All he had was his stubbornness, his mother’s connections, and his absolute love for Duo. That might sound like a pretty thing, but all it gave him was willpower. In reality, love wasn’t enough. What it meant was that he would never stop looking, even if it took years, but it still didn’t give him any clues as to where Wes was, or how to protect Duo from him. Even if they found him, could they stop the man from hurting him again, from coming after him? Would they have to resort to killing, just to keep Duo safe? He had no problem with that, but he knew Duo and he knew that, as much as Duo hated Wes, seeing him dead, seeming him dead because of _them_ , because they needed to protect him, would break his heart.  
    Partially it was because of Duo’s uncompromising morals. He just couldn’t accept that it ok to kill someone. To Duo, life was so sacred, every life, even a life like Wes’. He had this incredible fear of becoming the man, he couldn’t distinguish between the terrible things Wes had done and killing to protect himself. The thing that he feared more than that, was turning all of them into killers. Heero hadn’t heard what they had actually discussed, but he knew that when Wufei had come over that time after Wes had attacked them in the woods, Duo had become very upset and Heero knew him enough to know they had probably talked about Wufei being unable to kill Wes when he had had the chance to.   
    Wufei had felt so guilty about that. He had felt that he should have killed Wes, and that anything that happened to Duo afterwards must be his fault, for not stopping Wes beforehand, but Heero knew that Duo didn’t feel that way at all. In his mindset, if Wufei _had_ pulled the trigger, it would have been as though Duo had turned him into a murderer and that mere thought had horrified him. Heero was also well aware, though it was something that scared him and he didn’t like thinking about, all about Duo’s conflicted feelings about his past abuser.   
    Trowa had told him that, considering Duo’s life on the streets and the nature of Wes’ abuse, it wasn’t all that shocking that Duo felt connected to the man, that for victims of both sexual and physical abuse, feelings of both hatred and love weren’t uncommon, so the best they could do was be supportive and not try to admonish Duo for feeling that way, but it was hard. Heero wanted nothing more than to hurt Wes in all the ways the blonde had hurt his best friend, and, really, if he ever found himself in the room with Wes and there was any kind of instrument, blunt, sharp, or a gun, he would kill him and feel absolutely no remorse about it, but knowing that doing so would just hurt Duo in the end, it was hard to think that way.  
    So, what should he do? As much as he could say that he would look for Duo forever, what were their choices? Wes was like a rat, no matter how powerful Heero’s mother was, no matter her connections, Wes knew all the best holes to hide in. Heero really did think that his best bet was finding Duo’s friend. Beyond that, what could he do besides just keep looking, and keep asking around? When Heero heard his mother come in downstairs, he rolled off his bed and walked out of his bedroom.  
    He didn’t want to talk to her. He didn’t want to talk to _anyone_. He didn’t want them to look at him like he was some kind of wounded animal that needed to be calmed down, didn’t want their pity. All he wanted was for Duo to come home safe. He wanted his heart to stop pounding with this terrible pain. He wanted to stop feeling so lost and desperate. He walked to the stairs and listened, but could only hear soft murmurs and no exact words. He walked past the stairs and into Duo’s room. The door was wide open, but Heero inexplicably felt like he was intruding into a place that he had always been welcome in before.  
    Walking in there, it hit Heero very suddenly that Duo’s room was exactly how he had left it that morning. He didn’t know why that was such a revelation to him, it should have been rather obvious. Trowa and Quatre hadn’t returned home all that long before he and his mother had, and he doubted either of them would have come in here, let alone move anything around, but seeing it just the way Duo had left made him truly feel his absence, like a very strong, violent blow. It was the way, he thought, people must feel when they went into haunted places, seeing the way that people had lived, everything where they had last placed it, or at some kind of archaeological site, which wasn’t fair. Duo wasn’t dead. He wouldn’t even grace that possibility with thought.   
    There really wasn’t anything extraordinary about it. Duo, while not being meticulous, was rather neat. It was just one of those things about him that Heero wondered, if he had never met Wes, if he had never been brutally taught to behave a certain way through harsh punishment, if Duo was naturally neat or, in other circumstances, would have grown up throwing his clothes all over the place, like Quatre would have done, if he hadn’t been taught how to behave ’properly’. Heero himself didn’t like messes and could be meticulous, but had never really been pushed to act that way by his mother.   
    The only thing that was out of place in the entire room was a paperback novel that had been left on Duo’s bedside table. Although there was a cheap little bookmark sitting next to it, Duo had placed it down open. It gave credence to Heero’s theory that his best friend wasn’t naturally so neat. When the longhaired teenager wasn’t actually thinking about what he was doing, he often left things unfinished or lying around. He smiled, thinking of Duo staying up last night or this morning, reading this book, then completely forgetting to put the bookmark in. He picked it up, scanning the page that he had stopped on. The book was one of those cheap, little horror novels that Duo loved to pick up at yard sales, his book shelf was brimming with them. Sooner or later, they were going to have to buy him another book shelf, something that, Heero was sure, his mother wouldn’t mind doing at all. He thought that she was quite charmed with the fact that Duo was such an avid reader, unlike himself, who had always been more enamored with video games and computers, even as a child.   
    Heero put the bookmark on the page and closed the book, hugging it closely to his chest. There was nothing in this room that would help him find his friend, and he hadn’t expected there to be any. Duo hadn’t run away from home this time. But just standing here, he felt closer to the missing boy. At the same time that it was comforting, surrounded by things that reminded him of Duo, it also made his absence sharply painful. He sat on the floor, still clutching the book, unable to force himself to sit on the bed. The pillows would smell like Duo’s hair.   
    As soon as he sat on the floor, Shiva poked her head out from under the bed. Her gold-green eyes seemed to stare up at him in accusation, though he knew that the guilt was only in his own heart. Heero pressed his knees against his chest. Even though he wasn’t laying on the bed, he could still smell Duo, could still feel him in this room. If he closed his eyes, he could easily imagine the longhaired boy in that bed, reading, or sitting at his desk doing his homework. Shiva walked out from under the bed and rubbed her head against his legs, purring softly. He balanced the book on one leg and picked her up, settling her in his lap. He remembered when even Shiva had been wary of him and would have tried to swat at him if he had tried to so much as pet her. Now, even Toby seemed to accept his presence as someone who wasn’t a threat to them or their master.   
    The room suddenly felt cold, empty, and oppressive, Shiva’s warm weight in his lap both a comfort and a damnation, bringing home to Heero, more than anything else, that Duo was gone. If his best friend didn’t come back, he would be responsible for these animals, but knew that they would never truly be his, just like anything else in this house that Duo had touched. In reality, everything else, everything that he was and could be, everything that he wanted and dreamed about, paled drastically to Duo, even his memories of him seemed so drab and lifeless compared to how the violet eyed boy made him feel, just by being here with him. But if he didn’t come back… those faint memories would be all he had left. Heero covered his eyes with his hands, but couldn’t stop the tears. He didn’t know what to do… for the first time since Wes had shot Duo, he felt lost.  
  
*****  
  
   _He wished, so very much, that Wes had tied him faced down. It was too dark to see anything, but for some reason, just knowing that he was looking up at the ceiling, completely blind, made that darkness all the worse. It would also be kind of comforting, when all those strange, formless men were fucking him, to bury his face in the pillows, to pretend that he was some place soft, that the bed he was chained to, wasn’t Wes’. Being able to bury himself in the pillows would also go a long way towards hiding from the light whenever someone opened the door. Tied the way he was, all he could do was hiss in pain as the light attempted to burn his retinas._  
 _At the end of the day… and he only knew it was the end of the day because no man had come into the room for what he assumed to be several hours, that timelessness something else besides the darkness that ate at him like a cancer… but at the end of the day, it wasn’t the darkness or even the sense of time that bothered him the most, after an entire day of feeling faceless men grab at him, arrange his limbs if Wes had injected him with KL6 beforehand, and then violate him in a hundred different ways, it was the smell._  
 _One time, he had staved off insanity by counting how many different hands he could feel, but had lost track after awhile. Mostly because it had disturbed him, focusing on those harsh touches. But the number hadn’t stopped in the single digits. After awhile, all those hands felt exactly the same to him. The smell, too, was always the same, but he could never handle it. He always felt disgusting, smelling that mixture of semen, sweat, and sometimes blood. No matter how many men raped him, he always ended up lying in what felt like a pool of cum. He would fall asleep and wake up, and the mess would be gone, Wes having cleaned everything up in Duo’s unnaturally heavy sleep, but he could always still feel it, could still smell it. He wanted to hide from it and by the time he fell asleep, that smell was so thick and carried with it so many memories, memories that made him feel sick, but because he was lying on his back, he was always scared to vomit. At least if he was lying on his stomach, he wouldn’t care so much._  
 _In a way, the time after was worse than when those men came. In the darkness, his world consisted of nothing. **He** was nothing. No light, no sound, no warmth, no touch… just nothing. It got to the point where he hoped the next person that came into the room would hurt him, just to feel something. He felt like an animal, a calf, tied down and waiting for the butcher to come, like he was less than human. And wasn’t he? No matter how poor a person was, no matter how terrible their situation, even a beggar could decide when they ate, when they went to the bathroom. They could move whatever parts of themselves they wished. If the night was too dark, they could find a street light to huddle under. If it was too cold, they could try to find some discarded clothes or a heating_ _vent. The only thing he had control of, in this bed, was when to blink and how to breathe, and if he was drugged up, he didn’t even have that._  
 _It was so much worse, lying here, listening to nothing, the sound of his heartbeat driving him mad. When Wes lied down next to him to sleep, his broken heart and mind screamed out. He knew that, if he physically could, he would be wrapped around the man so tightly, just to feel his warmth, to touch something, instead of just being touched. It was that realization, that there was a living person next to him on the bed, that kept him from shutting down completely. As long as he wasn’t alone in the dark, as long as there was someone there to take care of him, who might care if he was still breathing… In the end, it was that realization that broke him so completely. The realization that his heart was so lonely, it was calling out for the very man that had done this to him in utter desperation, that Wes wasn’t just a bully that he was being forced to share the same space with, simply because he was powerless. He wanted… no, he **needed** Wes, like a small child needs his Daddy. In that instant, with every part of himself needing to curl up against the person who had brutalized him for so long, his heart shattered._  
  
*****  
  
    Duo awoke heavily, feeling disoriented and confused. The only thing he was sure of was his dream, something that he dreamt far too often. With the dream came familiarity, enough that he didn’t feel panicked, but this was the most vividly he had ever dreamed before, more like a clear, recent memory than a nightmare. Just like he usually did when he dreamt… _that_ , he attempted to roll off of his bed onto his feet, knowing that a quick walk to the kitchen for a glass of water would clear his head, and help him forget about the dream, but felt a sharp pain around his wrists and ankles. The pain and resulting panic, realizing that whatever had caused the pain was also making it impossible for him to move, jolted him wide awake.  
    He wasn’t in his bed, wasn’t even in his room. Actually, he wasn’t lying down, either, but in an uncomfortable position, curled up on the hard floor, his knees tucked under him, spread far apart. His lower back felt like he had been sleeping on a rock, or an a rack, his back pulled painfully. His hands were tied together, too, but not with rope. Duo started to breathe heavily, his panic growing and growing. He didn’t know where he was. It was dark, too dark… It was dark and he was tied down. He wasn’t lying on that bed and he couldn’t smell _that_ smell, but he was tied down… and it was dark…   
    Duo thrashed in his realization. Not there… not back there… anywhere else… he pulled in frustration at the wires binding him, but they only tightened, slicing into his skin. He cried out at the sudden pain, but still fought against his bindings. He had to get out! Away from the dark… away from the silence… some logical part of his brain yelled at him that pulling was a very bad idea, but in his fear, he couldn’t listen. All he could think about was getting out of the dark place and finding Heero. Heero would make it better, Heero wouldn’t let the darkness get him. He could feel it all around him, just like before, choking him and making him panic. Blood dripped down his arms, but no matter how much he pulled, the wires wouldn’t give, even an inch. He ignored everything else, how tired and sore he felt, that heavy feeling in his head, like he hadn’t slept at all, and focused only on that fear. Suddenly, the door swung open and Duo had to look away, bright light stinging his eyes. Déjà vu filled him.  
    “Goddamn it!” he heard Wes swear loudly.   
    Strong hands grabbed his bare shoulders and gave him a rough shake, then held him still, stopping his struggling.  
    “Stop squirming around!” the blonde man barked angrily at him, taking out the hunting knife that he always had on him, “You’re just hurting yourself! Now quite struggling or I’m going to cut you.”  
    Duo froze, not because of the command, but in shock as his kidnapper kneeled and, instead of purposefully cutting him in reprimand, smoothly slipped the knife between his bond hands and deftly cut the wire. Duo blinked down at the sight of the wire being pulled out of the cut it had made in his wrist and unraveled. He was so surprised that Wes was untying him that he didn’t even really feel the pain of the wire coming out of his skin.   
    “You’re not a damned kid anymore,” Wes snapped at him as he cut off the wires on Duo’s ankles as well, “You’re so pathetic, throwing tantrums just from being in a closet-,”  
    As soon as he was free from the wires, Duo found himself launching forward and hugging Wes tightly, curling up against him like he was a little boy, running to his daddy because something had scared him. It was cold in the closet, especially since Duo wasn’t wearing a whole lot of clothes. Wes, on the other hand, was warm and Duo practically burrowed into him, trying to absorb his heat. The sound of his heart beat was comforting, after the shock of waking up so very alone. It didn’t matter to him that this was _Wes_ , it was a human being, a living person, and he clung to him like a damned koala, his shame not quite poking its head out yet.   
    Wes’ gray eyes widened as Duo threw himself at him. It wasn’t a reaction that he had ever seen before. In all of his years of training whores, Duo remained the only one who had ever… hugged him like this. The only one who treated him like a guardian, who had been grateful for something. He had hugged him like this the last time he had freed him, too. He remembered how Duo had thanked him, in tears, and it made him feel strange. Protective. He placed his hand against Duo’s back, holding him to him.   
    “Relax,” he grumbled, not used to this kind of affection, or any affection at all, realizing that Duo’s reaction was part because of his irrational fears, which Wes had never understood, and partially in gratitude for letting him go instead of cutting him for his panic attack, “I’m not going to hurt you.”  
    Duo felt like his insides had been scraped out and he was hollow, hollow and cold. Even as he clung to Wes desperately, he hated himself for it. After falling asleep in the darkness, waking up restlessly over and over again, only to open his eyes to utter blackness, just like that time before… just touching another human being felt so good, just to hear that heartbeat. He felt like a stray cat that had been brought out of the cold, all he could do was try to hold onto him tighter and tighter and ignore how his own heart was resembling a frightened bird. But as that fear started to settle in the face of the light out in the hallway pouring into the closet, it suddenly dawned on him that the person he was holding onto was _Wes_.   
    When he started to come back to himself, he had a moment… a very brief, disjointed moment where he was confused, lost in strange memories, and thought that Heero was with him. When he realized the truth, he wished that that moment could have lasted longer. If Heero could see him right now, hugging his rapist like a pathetic child… what had happened in Boston couldn’t even hold a candle to this. He tried to push away from Wes, but the man grabbed him by the neck, pulling him forward again. Duo’s heart stopped at the violent gesture, remembering Wes’ tendency to strangle him during sex to keep him helpless and weak.   
    It had always shocked him, and by now Duo wasn’t sure why, just how much stronger and bigger Wes was than him. He wasn’t even as thin as he had been, but the blonde could still wrap his whole, one hand around his neck and Duo knew that it would take much force at all to strangle him to death, or to snap his neck, but Wes wasn’t exerting much pressure at all, not even enough for his breathing to become restricted. It reminded him of how mother crocodiles would carry their brood in their powerful, deadly jaws, never actually hurting the babies, but the threat was always there. It made him feel pathetic and powerless, just like always.   
    All it did was bring home the fact that Wes could kill him, so very easily. And he had done plenty things to piss the man off, so why was he still breathing? He was sure that Wes could make it look like an accident and he didn’t even need to. He always made sure to pay the cops enough that they never put much effort into looking into the people he had killed. Duo knew that the gray eyed man had killed people who were much more important than street trash like him. Even if that wasn’t true anymore, even if he did have people who would do anything to, not only find out what had happened to him, but punish the people responsible. But even knowing that Name cared, Wes didn’t seem to be all that bothered by the threat.  
    He hated realizing that, hated thinking about all the ways his ‘caretaker’ could have, and should have, killed him already because… because it made him realize just what little value his life had. It made him think that he owed his life to Wes, like it was a precious gift that Wes had given him. It made him think that his own life didn’t belong to him, that he was so powerless that the breath in his lungs wasn’t even because of his own willpower but because of the man who had controlled every tiny aspect of his life since he had been seven years old. That thought made him feel useless and sad and… angry.   
    He hadn’t spent a good deal of his life being angry. Maybe he was incapable of it, like how he had told Wufei that he could never strike against Wes, because that was how he had been conditioned and, knowing what pain felt like, he just couldn’t force himself to do it. Maybe he was just numb. He had spent so much time in some kind of pain, of having Wes’ will and personality forced on him that he just didn’t have the emotional strength to feel angry. Maybe Trowa was right and the only time he could want to raise his voice, to fight against someone, was when someone he loved was being hurt, because no one had ever stood up for him and, subconsciously, some part of him still wondered if he was worth it. But, for whatever reason, Wes telling him that he owed him everything, just for not letting Chris kill him, or for shooting him in the shoulder instead of the heart, made anger fill him.   
    “Your problem,” Wes said, sounding more amused than annoyed, “is that you don’t listen, just like a petulant little kid. You don’t understand a damn thing I’ve told you, do you? I’m _not_ going to hurt you. I want you to be with me and you already know that I’m not going to punish you for running away. I’ve told you several times now that I love you, so stop being so fucking skittish all the time. You’d think I’d beaten the crap out of you, the way you’re acting. It’s just a _closet_.”   
    Duo felt that strange, rare anger flare a little bit again at Wes’ disdain for his fear and panic attack. He didn’t understand at all… he didn’t understand anything about him… That was what hurt the most, really. After eight years of living together, Wes claimed that he knew everything about him. He knew about his fears, the things that made him scream, the things that made him weak… but those things weren’t important. In reality, after eight years, Wes didn’t know anything about him at all. He could read him like a book and yet… they were practically strangers.   
    Wes was wrong. His ‘problem’ wasn’t that he was incapable of listening. It didn’t matter what the man said to him. He could say that he loved him, that he wasn’t going to hurt him until he was blue in the face. He wanted to scream at him that, even if he said that he loved him, even if he claimed that he would never hurt him or punish him for running away, he had still shot him, hadn’t he? And for such a stupid reason… just to piss off Heero. How could he trust a man who did such a thing? That was the root of this fear in his heart. Yes, he was terrified of the dark. He was terrified of being confined. But none of that held a candle to the fear that, if he let himself trust Wes, he was just going to get hurt, in a way that he would never be able to heal from.  
    Wes had hurt him like that hundreds of times. It was just one of those kinds of wounds that never healed. He had never been able to quite harden his heart, to become indifferent to it all. Every time Wes had belittled him, had lied to him about not hurting him, had tortured him just for the fun of it, it had hurt, because for some stupid reason, he hadn’t stopped hoping that would… take care of him or something. He had become completely blind sided by his desire for a parent, when he hadn’t thought himself capable of such a foolish wish. It made those times when Wes _did_ do fatherly things all the more brutal and unbearable. But, as much as he wanted to look at him that way, Duo couldn’t trust him. Wes might say that he wasn’t going to punish him, but not once in his entire life had Wes ever given him a reason to take him at his word.  
    Actions speak louder than words. Wes had taught him that. Whether he wanted to be with Wes was irrelevant. How could he possibly say yes to him when he couldn’t even trust him to stay consistent and honest? How could he accept that Wes loved him when he didn’t even understand that _he_ was the cause of his fear of the dark, that the reason why he panicked so badly in this closet was that, even when Wes was here with him, he didn’t feel entirely safe? _Heero would understand_ , his heart told him, _Heero knows why I’m afraid, he knows all those things that Wes will never about me. If Heero were here, he’d hold me close and try to comfort me, not make fun of me. If Heero were here… I wouldn’t be afraid._  
    But Heero wasn’t here. Heero was never going to be here. He was never going to see him again… and that feeling of safety was gone. He was never going to get the chance to escape, to go back to that house. He was never going to feel safe and warm, that feeling of _family_ ever again. If he chose to go with Wes, if he left that old life behind, no matter what Wes did or said was going to give him that strength, that love that he craved so very much. And if he didn’t say no, Duo knew where the road would end for him. It was just like before, when he had run away to spy on Heero. He had known that that road held no hope, that Wes would find him eventually and chain him in that bed.   
    That was the reason why he felt so frayed, why he felt like he was losing his grip in reality and was so panicked. He had dreamed of that time in the bed, had woken in terror, believing that he was back there. But wasn’t he? Locked away in the dark, unable to move, knowing that he would either break under the pressure Wes was putting him through and tell him yes, or Wes would keep him locked up forever, until he died from either neglect or a broken mind. Realizing all of that, his heart couldn’t stop racing and Duo felt this sense of… sickness and fear surround him. He hadn’t survived the darkness last time. How could he expect to survive it this time?   
    Wes frowned as he saw a bleak look cross over Duo’s face. He had just been partially joking when he had accused the boy of not listening and understanding what he was trying to tell him, but now he wondered. He had already told him that he loved him, several times, he had even told him all the things he was willing to do for him to make him happy! That should be enough! So why was he still so scared? Why was he still looking at him like he was a monster, like he was going to hurt him, even though he had told him he wouldn’t? He didn’t understand it. Duo should be grateful that he was willing to be taken back by him, he should be grateful that he wasn’t even considering doing what he had done the last two times he had run away from him, not freaking out just because he had put him in a closet!   
    He was acting just like he had before, when he had been a kid and Wes had locked him in this same closet because he had spent some of his first earnings on a snack. The boy was looking at him just like he had before, like it was _his_ fault, that he was the one in the wrong. Wes hated that look. He wasn’t the one who had screwed up, Duo had. If he hadn’t run away to that Yuy brat, none of this would have happened! If he hadn’t disobeyed him about the money, he wouldn’t have had to beat him and locked him in here to teach him a lesson! Duo didn’t understand anything… He had taught him so many things, so surely he could teach him not to blame him, to realize that this was his fault, and to stop expecting pain from him, right? If only he wasn’t so thickheaded…   
    Wes nearly sighed to himself. The kid wasn’t going to listen to him as long as he was scared like this. He would remove that fear, he would show him that he could make him feel good, too, not just that fucking Japanese punk. He dug into his jeans pocket and removed a slender white box. He was rewarded with Duo’s instant attention, like a cat sensing danger in the air. That look excited Wes, enjoying the knowledge that he could make Duo react in such a predictable way. It was like the feeling of power and control returning. This was different than Duo’s fear of the dark, it was understandable, something that Wes had seen and had been able to create hundreds of times.   
    Duo felt a spike of fear go through him as he saw the white box and had the sudden urge to try to escape again. He tried to judge his odds, now that he wasn’t tied down, but it was hard to think. His thoughts felt muddled and confusing from sleeping so restlessly. His tiredness made logical thought difficult and he came to the conclusion that he wasn’t capable of any kind of escape plan right now. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t be fast enough, it was just that he couldn’t think of what he should do. He didn’t know if Wes was going to tie him up again, but he was sure that if he tried anything now, that would be the exact outcome and he wouldn’t get very far. He couldn’t risk that, not for future escape attempts, but for his sanity. He didn’t think he could handle being restrained so completely in the darkness all alone again.   
    He knew that box. It was as familiar as the smell of Wes’ cigarettes and had been in Duo’s life for just as long as that smell. Sure enough, when the man took the lid off of it, Duo saw a row of about five needles, most of them with clear liquid in them, but there was one that had telltale white fluid. As Wes reached in to pick one out, Duo held his breath and waited, in fear, for Wes to pick up the white one, the one that he knew was KL6. He breathed again when Wes instead took out one of the clear ones. To be that helpless right now, to be in that cage inside of him mind, and to be forced to go through that terrible withdrawal again… it might just be the last straw.   
    Since most of the drugs Wes used were clear and indistinguishable from each other, so each needle had a different colored stopper to keep them from being confused. This needle’s stopper was light blue. Ecstasy. Duo felt a completely different fear now, a bitter sweet one. Not a fear of Wes and what he was going to do, how he might hurt him and break him. A fear of himself. That part of himself that he had tried so hard to bury deep, deep down until it was smothered to death, that part that he never wanted Heero to see, ever. He had seen a glimpse of it in Boston, when Chris had injected him with KL6, but this was different.   
    What happened when he was under KL6 was different. That was bad, too. Being trapped in his own body, being forced to do disgusting, terrible things, not through violence or threats, but just because of some chemicals attacking his brain, being treated like some kind of cheap puppet by people and being robbed of something so simple, so _basic_ and universal as the free will to move his own body… of course that was painful and awful, and it still hurt knowing that Heero had seen it… had seen Chris ordering him to do things he hadn’t wanted to do and obeying. Heero said that he didn’t judge him fo that, that he understood that Duo had had no control over his body and being injected with that stuff was like… like mind rape. He didn’t judge him. Even though Duo hated himself for losing control of his own body.  
    He just couldn’t rationalize it away by saying it was the fault of the drug. Yes, he knew that it was because of the drug, but there was still that little kid in his head that screamed that he should be ashamed, that there should be something he could do to fight back, so, if he didn’t, it must be his fault. In the past, he had accepted those thoughts without any hesitation. He had hated himself and blamed himself for everything in his entire life. When he had moved in with Heero, that part of himself had started to fade, but it hadn’t truly cracked until that moment on the beach, when Heero had told him that he didn’t blame him for what happened. In that moment, Duo had wondered for the first time in his life, what if he wasn’t the sole cause for all the bad shit in his life? What if Heero was right? What if it had been Chris’ fault and those feelings of shame were wrong? If that was the truth, what else that he had blamed himself for was a lie?   
    Standing on that beach and hearing Heero say that he didn’t blame him for being kidnapped and almost killed, and that he had never judged him, not even once, had made something warm blossom inside of him. It had been a strange mixture of disbelief, regret, relief, and love, an almost painful thing, but it had given him some measure of hope. If Heero could move on from blaming himself, if he could let go of that bitterness and anger that the death of his father had caused, enough to stop pointing the finger at himself because someone else he cared for had gotten hurt, then maybe Duo could find that something that would let him grow and become stronger, to let go of his own guilt. He wanted to believe that.   
    His entire life, he had only seen proof that he was a bad person, that he had no one else to blame for his problems but himself. When he had been on the streets and begging to people walking past for just a little bit of change, or a bite of food, he had sometimes heard them say that, if he really hated being homeless, he should go to an orphanage, so if he was hungry or cold, it was his own fault for having too much pride. He had never been able to accurately describe to those people the kind of fear that street kids felt towards those institutions, how some kids went to homes that were worse than living on the streets, how some kids were beaten or sold into prostitution, picked up by people posing as a happy couple, just so they could get some easy cash, or how some of them were beaten to death by abusive parents, or even how some of them just… disappeared.   
    How could a little kid, cold and hungry, with no education who couldn’t even read, possibly explain those things to cold, arrogant, and unsympathetic eyes of adults who already thought him stupid and far beyond their own importance? Back then, before he had started to educate himself out of sheer desperation, the words had always seemed vague, like some far off, magical land that you knew existed, but just couldn’t reach. And by the time he did get an understanding of those words, he no longer had the will, or the belief, to speak up for himself. If someone blamed him for his own patheticness, they must be right. If they weren’t, he had reasoned at a young age, then those things wouldn’t keep happening to him, right?   
    Sunshine wouldn’t have died as he had watched on, surviving without so much as a scratch or bruise. Sister Helen wouldn’t have burned alive. Wes wouldn’t have kidnapped him. Back then, he had truly believed that he had deserved any pain he had gotten, because those things were punishments, or signs of the bad person he was. A courageous person would have been able to save them. A strong person would have been able to get away from Wes before he had raped them. He had truly believed those things. So, every time Wes, Chris, and Zechs had hurt him and told him that it was his own fault, that he had brought it on himself, or when Williams had told him that he must have asked to have been raped, or that he had to have liked it or he would have stopped it from happening, he had believed them. And no one had ever made him believe otherwise.  
    Yes, when he had told Name and his friends that he had been lying to all of them for the first time, lying in that hospital bed, that his father was really his pimp and he had been a whore for most of his life, he had felt like he was opening his soul for the first time. And when they had all looked at him, not with pity or disgust, but with actual concern, and Name had told him to his face that none of it was his fault, he had thought that his heart would explode from the intense feelings that absolution had given him. Even Wufei had taken back the cruel accusations he had laid on him that time.   
    But, even though he had been faced with the first people to ever tell him that being raped, being hurt wasn’t his fault, he had hesitated and held back on those feelings. He had been terrified of letting those kind of good things in, because he knew that the worst thing wasn’t being hurt and hurt and hurt, over and over again. The worst was letting those good things effect you in some way, only to have them stolen away from you, being shown that that forgiveness was a lie, just a joke so the bad people could give you something to lose. Also, some part of him hadn’t been able to believe Name, had thought that she wouldn’t say that if she really _knew_. Being told something and seeing it first hand were two completely different things and Duo knew that even the kindest, most forgiving people changed so severely, became so disgusted and cold, when they saw his world, face to face.  
    That had been the source of his guilt back then in Boston, the reason why he had allowed himself and Heero to distance from each other so immediately and thoroughly, even though he had been hurting and wanting his best friend so much. He had assumed that Heero would take back his forgiveness and acceptance of his past once he had seen even the slightest glimmer of what it had been really like. He had thought that, seeing Chris abuse him and rape him would have destroyed their friendship. Heero would have realized the kind of dirty person he really was and lost all faith in him. To hear him say that it wasn’t the case, that not only his attitude after being rescued was from his own feelings of failure, but that he would never blame Duo for stuff like that, had been a balm on his soul.  
    Even so, that terrible fear remained, the fear of letting Heero down, of letting him see the things that Duo still hated about himself. This was one of those things. He was acquainted with every drug that Wes used on his other whores. Heroin. Meth. LSD. Temazepam. Things that made your blood burn or took your mind far away from the bad things, made you want to do anything your own tormentor wanted you to do, just to get a taste for more. Wes had given him pretty much everything, especially when he had been training him, to get him to be more reliant on him, and more submissive. Most of those drugs had backfired in a huge way. Maybe it had been Duo’s age, but it had probably been because of his anemia and malnutrition. Whatever the cause, he had almost overdosed several times and Wes had never gotten the results he had wanted, which had just frustrated the man.   
    The only two drugs he had been forced to take by Wes or Chris that hadn’t had huge, damaging side effects on him beyond the painful and psychologically harmful withdrawals had been KL6 and Ecstasy. Wes had used the latter a lot when he had been training him to be a whore, especially in those first few weeks together. After that first, violent rape, every time Wes had touched him, Duo had gotten physically sick from it, which had just resulted in pissing Wes off enough to beat the shit out of him, which would make Duo even less responsive and obedient to the next ‘lesson’. It had been a terrible down spiral, especially when his captor had realized that most of the usual drugs weren’t working. His newest acquisition had been too young to try KL6 on.     Duo had heard him and Chris talking about it back then, something to do with a child’s brain chemistry being different than a teenager’s or an adult’s and how all the kids Wes had shot up beforehand had died or gone into instant comas from the drug. Duo distinctly remembered Chris suggesting that they just lower the dosage, since Duo was proving to be so difficult, and if he died, it didn’t really matter anyway. If the cops found his body, he would just be one of hundreds of street kids that died from drug overdose every year. Wes had refused, saying that a pretty little boy like Duo, especially with eyes like his, and no attachments was both a big-ticket item, if they could get him trained, and a rare find. He just wasn’t willing to risk it.   
    Then, they had tried Ecstasy on him. Duo didn’t know why, but he had never had heart palpitations, severe headaches, memory loss, nausea, or any of the side effects he had had on the other drugs while on Ecstasy. He could still remember the first time Wes had shot him up with the drug. He had been expecting that burning, intense feeling of need, or maybe he would hallucinate like he had on the acid. Instead, he had been struck by this feeling of… not really happiness, but something close to it. He had felt good. He had never felt good in his entire life. That time, when Wes had approached him, he had felt none of the fear he had felt before of the man, just this calm acceptance. It had been nice, not to be so scared anymore, not to worry or feel panicked or to hate himself.   
    Duo thought, maybe it was that feeling that had made Ecstasy become an addiction for him. He had talked to another whore about it once, who, for her, it had been the physical intimacy and arousal, but for Duo, that lack of fear, of just being able to let go, had been intense. When Wes had touched him then, it had made his skin tingle instead of leaving him feeling sick inside. And when he had ordered him to suck him off, Duo had done it, not because he had been forced to, but because touching another person hadn’t seemed so wrong to him at the time. Touching Wes’ cock with his tongue hadn’t grossed him out and he had become engrossed just with the texture of it. When he was under the drug, every time, he liked being touched and touching other people. Even if he didn’t initiate it, it didn’t bother him like it usually did.  
    Duo was sure that he could reason it away. He knew, chemically, Ecstasy made you overly sensitive. He knew that he had lived his childhood life alone and afraid of everyone, so touching another person wasn’t something that had come easy to him and being able to do that when high was like a germophobe suddenly finding themselves among a crowd of people and not feeling panicked. It had been a relief, something good and wonderful. He had had this sensation of being _normal_ for once, not a timid little rat, hiding away from the world. But those good feelings had only lasted when the drug was pumping through his veins. As soon as it left, so did the euphoria and relaxation.   
    Like any other drug, when Ecstasy had gone, it had left holes in him that had only been filled with this intense sensation of panic, depression, and self-loathing. He had retreated far into himself, in that dark place where he felt so very alone. The first time he had been shot up, when he had fallen down again, he had cried, almost hysterically. He had felt depressed his entire life, but this had been different. At the time, he hadn’t been aware of what Ecstasy did to a person and had thought that that sadness had come directly from him. All he had been able to think about were the things that he had done under the influence of that drug, letting Wes fuck him, and had worried about what was happening to him, about becoming the whore that Wes wanted him to be. He had felt so disgusting that, in that moment, if someone had handed him a razor blade, he would have peeled off his own skin.  
    Then, the addiction had hit him like a tidal wave, this burning need to have more of the drug. At seven years old, he had been completely unable to handle it. Not so much the physical effects, although the strong paranoia, insomnia, depression, and anxiety he had went through had been overwhelming, but the ramifications of that need. Here he was, hating himself for the things he had done, and now he wanted more. How could he possibly cope with that? It had just made that hatred grow and grow inside of him. But when Wes took that needle out again, Duo had still ached for it, had still done anything Wes had told him, just to feel that lack of fear again, that lack of self-hatred. After awhile, he had fought against it, simply because of the disgust he had felt towards himself, but deep down inside, some part of himself still wanted it, still wanted to go to that place where the things that Wes did to him didn’t hurt him so much, where the world didn’t feel so cold and cruel.   
    Duo felt that way now. It had been a very long time since Wes had used the drug on him, as the blonde had worried about the depression Duo felt afterwards and liked it when he struggled a bit, so seeing that needle now was like a slap in the face. Memories surged in his head, showing him how he had felt back then, and all the things he had done. His heart beat loudly in his chest as Wes took the cap off the needle and pushed the plunger down, just enough to make sure there were no air bubbles in the fluid. A trickle of the drug traveled down the needle and the longhaired American watched it like a thirsty man would watch condensation bead down a pane of glass. The feeling revolted him.  
    “I only want you to feel good,” Wes told him again, “I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I _can_ make you feel good, Duo.”  
    Duo swallowed roughly. He was well aware that Wes had the power to make him feel good, just as much as he knew that the man had the power to hurt him. Maybe that was what made the pain so bad, that knowledge that Wes didn’t have to make him feel that way, he just chose to. It was on the tip of his tongue, to beg the man to give him the shot. All his fears about being in this closet would melt away, his need to see Heero, his anxiety about never seeing him again… all of it would just melt away into some pleasant dream. He could give Wes what he wanted, and that part of himself that wanted to be with him, but was too scared of what that meant. He could do that, if he said yes. And his body, that part of his brain where the addiction hit so deeply, wanted him to say yes.  
    How would Heero react now, Duo wondered, if he could see him like this? Seeing him shot up with KL6 was nothing, being unresponsive like a doll was nothing to begging to be touched, just a little brush on the arm or an embrace, when he was under Ecstasy’s influence. Would Heero be so forgiving then, or would he finally realize what Duo had been trying to tell him, that he was a terrible person, and be disgusted? That was his fear, his terror, that he would let Heero down and show him that he wasn’t worth being loved. He was just a whore, a junkie whore, and he would never be a better person, the person that the people he loved insisted he was. He didn’t want to be less than that.   
    And so what if those fears went away? It would only be because of some stupid drug. It didn’t mean that the fear wasn’t still there. Feeling good wasn’t a bad thing. Wasn’t that what everyone strived for, to feel good about themselves, to be happy in their own skin. Being content was one of the best feelings in the world. But there was a difference between feeling good and feeling good about yourself. Ecstasy wouldn’t give him that. He didn’t want to feel good because of some foreign chemicals. He wanted that same feeling, but because he had deserved it by being strong, by being loved by people. Thinking that some drug would make things better was just delusional and he couldn’t live that way.  
    The thing that scared him right now, right down to his core, was the realization that, if Wes had offered this to him when he had released him all those months ago, when he had unlocked his chains and told him that he loved him, he would have said yes. He wouldn’t have even hesitated. If Wes had told him that he wanted to be with him forever, and wouldn’t hurt him anymore, would even give him this drug so he wouldn’t ever feel fear or pain again, he would have said yes. After all that darkness and loneliness, being touched without being able to touch, having his humanity robbed from him… and the belief that Heero hated him so much, that he was just going to forget about him, forget that he ever existed, even if they did meet by chance again, Wes’ offer would have seemed too good for him to say no to. And he never would have what he had now.   
    It was those thoughts that awoken something inside of him. It was like waking up from a long, morphine-induced sleep. He didn’t want the easy road. He didn’t want to feel good just for the sake of getting away from his fears and pain. At this point in his life, he would rather take the fear and the self-hatred than a drug-induced lie. He wanted Heero to be proud of him, instead of just forgetting about that desire all together through euphoria. Did that say something about him? That he wanted to be hurt and struggle instead of giving up and taking the easy, pleasurable way out? He was probably never going to escape from Wes.   
    He was probably going to die in this stupid closet, away from the people he loved, and Ecstasy would be a way to escape from all that, but this part of him, that warm part that Heero had awakened in him, screamed at that, refused to accept it. If he had to die, it yelled, he was going to die, terrified and alone, but with the knowledge that he hadn’t let his past pervert him, hadn’t let his broken heart turn him back into that pathetic person. Even if it was pointless, he wanted to fight. If he didn’t, then that made all things Name had sacrificed for him, all those gifts, pointless and wasted. It made his love for Heero frail and unimportant. And it _wasn’t_! His need for peace and escape wasn’t more powerful than what he felt for his best friend! That love was the one thing that had brought him out of the dark before. If it didn’t stand this test, then wasn’t it _that_ and not Wes’ treatment of him that made him less than human?  
    “No,” he begged, pushing back from Wes until his back hit the wall, “I don’t want that.”  
    It was a futile, pathetic effort on his part, he knew that the second he opened his mouth. Wes did whatever the hell he wanted. He might say that he loved him, but in the end, he did what he wanted and what Duo said, what he pleaded, didn’t matter. So, when Wes, instead of just grabbing him and injecting him anyway, put the cap back on the end of the needle and put the needle back into the box, he felt speechless. Again, he was struck with the realization that he did not know this man. He had spent eight years with him, had bled and cried with him. Wes had seen and touched every inch of his naked body and Duo had seen him commit unspeakable acts. But in reality, Wes was a stranger to him. He had always believed in the man that hit him and screamed at him, who hurt him for the slightest transgression, without an ounce of remorse.  
    Now, _this_ man had come into his life and had replaced that other person. This Wes touched him gently and said such unbelievable things like ‘I’ll never hurt you’, things that Heero had often told him. Sometimes he could still see that other Wes bleeding through, like when he had dragged him into the closet or had gone through his things, but those times seemed small now that Wes had actually listened to him, had heard him say no and for the first time in their entire relationship, had done as he had begged him to do. It made him ask, who was the real Wes? Which one was the lie? Or, even worse, what if they really were the real person? What if this man was made up of inconsistencies and no matter how much he changed, he would always be as capable of both pain and gentleness? If that was the truth… then why now? Why, when his own world was on the brink of something bright and new and shiny, did Wes show this part of himself? Why not back then, before Duo had met Heero, when it would have meant something?  
    There was a saying, that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome each time. Duo didn’t believe that. He thought that that might be the definition of hope, not insanity. To do the same thing again and again, but always want a different outcome and to grow to expect that outcome, even when realism told you it wasn’t possible, wasn’t that the very essence of hope? He had gone through darkness over and over, and now he was stuck here again, in this same spot, but he wanted to believe that it would lead him down a different road, that he might see Heero again, even when logic told him otherwise. Did that really make him crazy?  
    No, insanity wasn’t that. Doing the same thing over and over again, and not expecting, but suddenly finding yourself with a different outcome… Duo thought that that was what made people insane. When you went through your entire life looking up at the sky, only to one day find it gone, that was what insanity was. He had lived with Wes for so long and he had come to expect things from the man. Anger, pain, endless frustration, knowing how very little Wes cared for him… but now, those things weren’t there anymore and Duo was grasping to find them again, just because it was too hard to try to comprehend this change in the man.   
    He couldn’t understand it, let alone cope with it. The black sky that he had always known had dropped out of existence and had been replaced with this very pale blue. It wasn’t the blue he wanted, wasn’t quite deep enough or bright enough, but it was close. Too close to what he wanted and when he looked at it and squinted, he could fool himself into seeing that sky, the sky that made happiness blossom inside of him. That was the most dangerous thing of all, that ability to lie to himself into thinking that the life he had with Heero could look the same as a life with Wes. He could easily see himself falling into that lie, because that pale blue was somewhere between his consistent, comforting past, and his chaotic, but bright future. A compromise. One that would, ultimately, blind him to how broken it was going to make him. A part of himself wanted to drown in this new Wes, to let him be the father that he had always wanted to rely on, while another wanted the crueler one back, so he could lie to himself by hating him again.   
    What was real? What did he really want? What was the best thing for him? He couldn’t find the answer to those questions and it made him feel insane. He felt torn apart and faltering, just from Wes’ action of _listening_ to him for once, for being kind. Or was he still deluding himself? Was he just seeing what he wanted to see, or was Wes tricking him again? _See,_ a voice in his head gloated, _not even a full day with the man and you’re already breaking apart, piece by piece, shard by shard. And you really think you can live with this person, share your life with such a person? He doesn’t care about you, not really. How can he, when he doesn’t even want to know…’_  
    That isn’t true, Duo fought back against that thought without even realizing he was doing it, Wes cared about him! If he didn’t, he would have shot him up anyway, wouldn’t he have?   
   _‘Then why doesn’t he ask it? Such a simple thing… if he loves you, why doesn’t he ask it? They asked it… Name and Heero… they asked…’_  
  
  
   _“Duo… do you **want** to live with us?”_  
  
    The memory flooded back to him so quickly, so suddenly, that Duo felt a very real pain in his head.   
  
     _‘You were powerless, all alone. They could have done whatever they wanted. So sick and weak… but when Heero said that his mother was paying for the hospital bills and planned to take you home, to care for you, you panicked. And when she came to the hospital, they asked you that. They wanted to know what **you** wanted. What about him? He says those things… he loves you, he doesn’t want to hurt you. But those things aren’t important, are they? You think they are. You think that saying you love someone matters, but it doesn’t. All that matters is that question. He won’t ask it, will he? He doesn’t even realize that what he’s doing is hurting you. He thinks he’s being nice. But, really, even if the way he goes about it is different, Wes hasn’t changed at all. He’s still as much of a monster as he’s always been. **Heero** would realize it. **Heero** would ask. Because, you know, don’t you?’_  
    Duo was about to scream at that voice to shut up, that if it knew so much, and it was just an extension of himself anyway, why didn’t it take control and tell Wes those things, when Wes suddenly grabbed his face with both hands and pulled him close. His grey eyes were smoldering, but it wasn’t with hate or anger, but with… affection and love and Duo wanted nothing more than not to have to look at those eyes, as they told him, quite clearly, that Wes was aware of what he was thinking about. Or, at the very least, Wes knew he was doubting him again.  
    “I love you,” the blonde said, almost growling, “What do I have to do to make you believe me?”  
    Something inside of Duo’s heart trembled at the sheer conviction of Wes’ words. Wes loved him… why was that hard for him to believe when, in the past, Wes’ words had always been like the words of God to him? He always taken them at face value, which was why, when Wes lied to him, it was so hard. But looking at him now, Duo just knew that this wasn’t a lie, at least not to Wes. He believed what he was saying. Wes loved him… did Heero love him? That part of himself where that mocking voice had sprung from didn’t know anything at all… those words were important! He needed them, so very badly… And he didn’t know. The voice might think he did, but he didn’t…   
    “I don’t need drugs to make you see things my way,” Wes said, suddenly letting go of Duo, putting the box of needles back into his pocket, and stood up, looking down at Duo intensely, studying him, “But try to run away again and you’ll only end up hurt. Now, wait here.”  
    Wes left the closet and Duo could hear him walking towards his bedroom. Fear and doubt sparked in him again. Wes didn’t trust him. He didn’t trust him, but he still said that he loved him and didn’t want to hurt him. So… how could he trust Wes? He was just going to tie him up and leave him in the dark again. Alone with his nightmares… were those really the actions of the person he could spend his life with? How could Wes possibly expect him to accept such declarations when everything he did scared him so much? That’s where he was going, Duo’s fear screamed at him, he’s going to get more wires and he’s going to tie you up all alone in the dark again…   
    Duo heard Wes’ footsteps and cursed at himself. What was he doing here, sitting on the floor in the closet, when Wes had left him alone for a few minutes, unrestrained? He should be trying to get away, but all he could focus on was how scared and pathetic he was! But even so… did he really have any hope? Could he really try the same things over and over again and expect that different outcome? Wes said that he wasn’t going to hurt him, but in his heart, Duo was still having a hard time believing that, believing that if he tried to make a run for the door, and Wes caught him, that he would punish him.  
    Outside the door, Duo heard Wes drop something on the ground, then come in again. To his shock, the man wasn’t holding the wires but a pair of leather cuffs, but only a pair of cuffs. Duo suddenly very much wanted to know what he had put just outside the door. Wes got down on his knees in front of Duo again and grabbed his wrists in a tight grip that left bruises on the violet-eyed boy’s fair skin in the shape of fingers, but the grip had obviously been meant to restrain, not hurt. Old instincts had Duo staying still and letting Wes doing what he wanted, his exhaustion and recent hunger making him feel weak and too tired to want to resist anyway. The cuffs Wes had was actually just a single, leather binding that wrapped around both of Duo’s wrists like a sheath. They were surprisingly soft and comfortable around his cut up wrists, especially compared to the wires.  
    “I don’t want you to get scared and panic in the middle of the night again,” Wes said gruffly, somehow managing to sound somewhere between an annoyed kidnapper and a caring parent, “You’ll just end up hurting yourself again, so I’m not tying up your feet this time.”  
    Duo stared up at him as the man finished buckling up the cuff, his eyes wide and making him look like a frightened deer. He didn’t know what to think anymore, couldn’t even create some kind of rational thought about why Wes was acting like this. He was acting like a father putting a helmet on his son so he wouldn’t hurt his head instead of a kidnapper tying up his victim so he wouldn’t escape. Wes could do anything to him right now, so why give him anything, even this freedom of movement? He was further shocked when Wes went back out into the hallway to pick up whatever he had dropped there. The blonde returned quickly and tossed the pillow onto the ground.  
    “Lie down,” he barked, “You look like shit.”  
    Duo shook a little bit, not getting what was going on, but obeyed, lying down on the floor, his head propped up by the pillow. The floor was still hard, but this was more comfortable than trying to sleep tied up. A warm feeling filled him, but it was a bitter sort of thing. Duo wanted to be grateful for the pillow, but wasn’t sure if Wes was trying to trick him or not. It made him feel weird. Still, Wes was right. If he looked how he felt, the little amount of real sleep he had gotten had probably made him look like shit. He was tired and he could lie down now. If he wanted any kind of strength to try to escape, he needed to sleep. But, even not tied down so severely, the thought of trying to sleep in this small, dark space kept him from drifting off immediately. His violet eyes watched his captor as, instead of leaving him like he had before, he sat down against the wall near Duo’s head. Duo stared at him for a few minutes, watching and waiting to see what he would do.  
    “Will you stay?” he asked in a small voice, feeling pathetic for asking the man such a question, but his loneliness and fear made it come out more like pleading than curiosity.  
    Wes looked down on him nonchalantly, crossing his arms over his chest.   
    “For a bit,” he muttered, “Just until you fall asleep. It’s morning and I have things to do.”  
    It was a slightly callous comment, but Duo smiled up at him faintly. The smile made Wes’ cold expression gentled a little bit. Wes didn’t realize his expression had changed, though the sight of the boy’s slightly innocent, grateful smile did make him feel warm, and Duo was completely unaware that his smile had had any effect at all, the both of them ignorant towards themselves. Wes watched like a protective parent as Duo’s eyes slipped closed and fell into an easy doze, some of his fear easing with the knowledge that Wes, with all of his strength and aggressiveness, was watching over him.   
    Wes continued to watch Duo sleep, fascinated with the way his face looked as it relaxed and how his chest fell and rose with each deep breath, as though he had never seen it before in his entire life. The boy was curled up on his side like a cat, the way he always slept and the sight of it, his silken hair slipping over one shoulder, made him smile fondly, though he didn’t realize he was doing it. Then, Duo shifted slightly in his sleep and the shirt he was wearing rode up, revealing just the barest curve of his back side. The blonde studied that curve for several minutes, enticed by it.     His arousal made his cock harden and throb, and he had the impulse to shove Duo onto his stomach and take advantage of that sexy curve, but denied himself. The last thing he needed was to try to get the kid to go sleep again after that. It could wait. He had all the time in the world to have sex with him. Duo shivered slightly, making Wes sigh. For someone that sexy and arousing, he was still just a dumb kid. He got up and walked back to his bedroom, grabbing a blanket from his own bed. When he got back to the closet, he draped it around the teenager, rewarded with Duo snuggling into it with a tiny sigh, his cold alleviated. Wes sat back down and winced as he had to curl up his legs just to sit in the damn closet.  
    He wasn’t as young as he had been. He hadn’t realized it all that much lately, what with having to chase down younger, run away drug mules that thought they could steal from him and other things that he really should have someone else be doing, but there was no one else he trusted to do stuff like that. Chris had proved to be worthless. They had been together forever, but after he had ordered him not to kill Duo, the man had just swanned off. Fucking pussy. If he wanted to go sulk, fine, but if he tried anything, Wes knew all of the man’s moves, far above what Chris knew of him. But lately, he had been feeling those aches and pains that men his age often complained about, though he didn’t want to admit it to himself.  
    He had to remind himself that he was in his forties now and should probably leave the gang banging and physical work to other people in his organization, he had just always been hands-on. That was why _he_ was the one running things and not one of his partners. But, sooner or later he was going to have to accept that he wasn’t twenty five anymore. Wes bent his legs slightly, annoyed that the closet was so small, he couldn’t stretch out at all. Maybe he should have put Duo in his bedroom, but it wasn’t secure enough. At least the kid was small enough to fit in here. He reached over and brushed some of Duo’s hair away from his face.  
    Eight years. He had been 33 when he had met the kid and some days it felt like forever, other days, like today, he just looked at him and saw how much he had grown and it felt like no time at all. Was this what fatherhood felt like? Seeing your boy shiver and getting him a blanket? Feeling pride at his accomplishments and how adult he’s become? It was a strange feeling for him. But wasn’t this about the time that other men settled down? Maybe he _should_ just take Duo and leave this damned town, regardless of what happened to the business. Just let the whores and the dealers and all his partners deal with what was left, take the money, and go some place warm. He had enough money that he could get a big house and live very, very comfortably with Duo. The only reason he didn’t know was because of his enemies, and he had never seen the need for it. But Duo deserved a big place, like how the Yuy’s had, and he had told him that he would take care of him. Maybe it was time for all of that. He paused in his thoughts as Duo started to mumble in his sleep. Through the jumble of nonsense noises, Wes caught one word. “Heero”.  
    Wes narrowed his eyes at the sleeping teenager, but then smirked. In the past, he would have dragged Duo out of sleep and punished him in some way. It did irritate him, having the boy he loved say that little punk’s name, but he let it go. Maybe he was getting softer, the older he got, but he let Duo sleep. That was one loose end he needed to take care before they left. As soon as Duo said yes, Heero Yuy’s time was up. He had stolen Wes’ property and had kept Duo away from him for too long. But, more importantly, as long as the shit was still alive, Duo would be conflicted about being with him, and Wes refused to have that.   
    From the moment that Duo had confessed to making friends with the Japanese boy, Wes had known it was going to be trouble. Sure, he had decided to have Duo to steal from the boy, but he had somehow known that he should have just severed all ties to begin with. If it hadn’t been for Yuy’s prestigious family, he would have killed him as soon as possible. Instead, he had made a huge mistake and had let him live. But the first thing he was going to do once Duo made up his mind was make up for that mistake.   
    Normally, he would make it as messy and painful as possible, make the kid realize who he had messed with. And how perfect would it be to make him scream in front of Duo, to make Duo see how pathetic he was, that a teenaged punk couldn’t possibly satisfy him, only a man could. But that would only upset Duo. For some reason that Wes couldn’t understand, his boy actually cared about that prick. It wasn’t the money, Duo wasn’t like that. Hell, Duo was the only person Wes had ever met who wasn’t like that, but whatever it was, he certainly didn’t see it. Regardless, for the boy he loved, he’d make it quick. A car crash or something. Duo wouldn’t even need to know he had been the one who had done it, he would just think it had been an accident. Then, his choice would be unburdened. In the end, Duo would be his and Heero Yuy would be dead, just like how it always should have been.   
  
  
  
End Part 10


	57. The Second Son Part 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Duo continues to be missing, Heero finds himself falling apart. Still locked away in the closet, Duo begins to break down, becoming sicker without his medication.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 11  
  
  
  
    St. Peters, for all its faults and ugliness, its darkness and arrogant denial of its own sickness, could be quite beautiful, Heero thought. He was sitting on a bench in the town park and watching the last family; a mother, father, twin girls that couldn't be older than five, a teenaged boy, and a golden retriever, pack up their kites and food and the table cloth they had laid on the ground to eat lunch on, and left by foot, probably living nearby. The day had been warm while not giving in to summer humidity just yet, and the sky had been a clear blue all day long. Heero had been sitting on this park bench for three hours now and the sun was setting in the sky, the low light somehow making things look prettier and more peaceful. The sky had turned into this beautiful orange, red, gold mixture, like fire. It reminded Heero of Duo's hair as, the later it got, the more that orange darkened into a deep red and gold. In all of the time he had been here, Heero hadn't moved from this spot once and no one had approached him. Not that that surprised him.  
    It had been three days since Duo had gone missing. Three days since he had been kidnapped, and what little doubts he had had that it hadn't been Wes had vanished a long time ago. Heero was sure that, by now, he looked like the sort of person parents and teenaged girls felt an instinctual wariness of, and he was surprised that no one had called the cops concerning the strange, sullen boy with the unkempt hair watching children playing in the park. He hadn't been sleeping or eating lately, and was that so shocking, either? He hadn't eaten or slept well the last time this had happened, when Duo had run away from school after Heero had found out about his deal with Zechs. This was exactly like back then, looking desperately for his best friend, only to turn up with no clues at all.  
    'It's only been three days,' he thought even as his heart quaked with fear. It hadn't stopped since the moment Trowa had called him in London, 'he was missing for a lot longer that time, but he survived it. Wes should have killed him for running away from him, but Duo survived.'  
    'Yeah,' a dark, cruel voice chimed in, 'and last time, he chained him to a bed for a week and had strange men rape him over and over and over...'  
    Heero moaned, an intense pain filling his heart. His back bowed and he gripped his hair so hard that it hurt his scalp greatly, but he was beyond caring about his own pain at this point. He felt like he would throw up with the thought of Wes repeating his past actions, that Duo might be being raped at this exact moment. It had only been three days, but he was already at the end of his rope. He was losing his focus with every second Duo was far away from the safety of their home. He couldn't even consider the possibility that Wes might have killed Duo. He knew that the moment he did, he would lose his sanity. They had looked _everywhere_. Just like the last time Duo had disappeared, and even Heero's search for the blonde man who had helped him then had been fruitless. But what could he do? Stay at home and sulk, hoping for a miracle? That seemed so pathetically useless, like he was giving up on the one he loved more than anything. That was impossible.  
    And what miracle was he supposed to hope for? Treize and Une hadn't seen or heard anything more than they had and, according to Treize, nothing extraordinary had happened before, during, or after their meeting. He had told Duo the good news about his grades, and that Williams was the culprit, and then Duo had left in high spirits. Une remembered seeing him leave the school premises with a group of kids. She had never seen him with them before, but she knew that some of them took the public bus every day, so she made the same assumption that the rest of them about Duo taking the bus. It had been hard getting that information from them without letting on that Duo was missing. His mother was keeping the situation very close to the chest, wanting to keep Duo's kidnapping between them, not knowing what would happen if Duo's classmates and teachers found out. Heero didn't care either way. There was nothing Treize and Une could do that they hadn't already tried, so what difference did it make?  
    The police and his mother's private investigator had both turned out to be useless. Heero hadn't been relying on the police for anything. Duo had always seemed distrustful of authority and Heero was sure that Wes had some, if not a great deal, of power over the local law enforcement. From the start, he had decided that, if the cops didn't contact them, it didn't have to mean that there was nothing to be found, only that they were incompetent or corrupt. But not getting any information from the private investigator had been much more disheartening.  
    Name had kept Heero, Trowa, and Quatre in the loop concerning her contact. After she had initially called him, he had been feeding her constant information about his search for Duo, including what he had learned about Wes from rumors and people who had met the man and were willing to talk for a price. Not surprisingly, there hadn't been many people willing to tell _anything_ about the crime lord. The investigator had learned that Wes Maxwell was more urban legend, more ghost story, than he was a man. But unlike other urban legends, the things that prostitutes, addicts, pushers, and others had said about him had ended up to be true. The man known as Wes (the investigator had never gotten any confirmation that this was his real name or just an alias) had shown up in St. Peters about ten to twelve years ago (the accounts varied on this, but they all agreed that he hadn't been here for more than twenty years), with some unreliable, scattered reports of people who had heard from a friend of a friend's 'insert relative here' that they had heard of, or personally seen him, in some other state further north. The state always changed from story to story, so the PI had easily discarded these stories.   
    In just the first two years that Wes had shown up, he had created contacts with the most seasoned and powerful players in the sex, gun, and gun trades, and pretty much any other organized, illicit activity there was an avenue for. Even back when his organization had held only a handful of people, he had pretty much single handedly taken out three prominent and especially violent and powerful gangs. He had taken out the leaders of two of them, disbanding and absorbing whatever members wished to join him and had something to contribute. Those that refused to join, or, something that none of the other gang leaders had done, were useless to him, he had slaughtered. The third gang, however, had also been the first he had dealt with, and every single person who had informed the investigator of this had expressed equal shock and confusion to his actions.  
    This particular gang had plagued the area for a shorter amount of time than the others, but had gained a greater control, and a greater amount of fear than the others. The gang had been insidious, gaining more and more members through acts of terror, forcing unwilling individuals into the gang with murder and blackmail. Members would tell homeless kids and teenagers that they would be well taken care of, only to turn them into druggies and whores, or thugs akin to nothing more than pawns. There had been some... talented people in that gang and, according to the PI's contacts, any _sane_ man trying to create his own organization, would have jumped at the chance to at least pull in the higher ups. Wes, on the other hand, had killed every last member of the gang, sending a clear message to the other gangs in the area. He was new, but he was _not_ to be fucked with. Sufficient to say, most of those that he had offered to give a job to in his organization had dropped their loyalty to their original gangs immediately.  
    After that, the word had spread very quickly on the street that anyone or group that the blonde had his eyes on had better start watching their shadows very carefully. He had had a few competitors in the years he had been in this area, mafia or drug lords that had been situated in the town for several decades, or newcomers that were too stubborn or stupid to get out of his way and had been decimated, but no one had left a single dent in his ranks and probably never would have. Street kids, prostitutes, and pimps regarded him with equal fear, and hearing all those accounts and knowing that Duo had _lived_ with such a man, had grown up with and raised, had horrified Heero. He had understood Duo's terror of the man long before he had learned of how infamous his cruelty was, but to that extent...  
    Beyond rumors of Wes' illegal actions, the private investigator had had little useful information for them. The last report he had given Heero's mother had been hopeful. Although some of his more promising contacts had dried up, he had managed to spot Wes personally and had started to tail him yesterday. Then, when it had come time for him to contact Name again, there had been nothing. His mother was hoping that this just meant that he was on Wes' trail, biding his time until he figured out where the sociopath was hiding Duo, but Heero wasn't so optimistic. He was absolutely sure that Wes, like a male crocodile that sensed another in his territory, had found out about both the investigator and those contacts that had 'disappeared'. He knew that they wouldn't be hearing of the private investigator again. His body would turn up in a river or dumpster, if it turned up at all.   
    Heero let go of his hair and realized that his hands were shaking. He clenched them into fists, but could still feel them quivering. He didn't know what to do. That was all he wanted. Someone to tell him what he should be doing right now. Anything at all was better than this... this _thing_ inside of him, this horrible feeling eating away at his insides. He hated being home. With Duo gone, it felt so hollow, so cold and lifeless. Every second he was in that place, he felt like his skin was itching, his very being knowing that something so very vital was missing from his life. Food tasted like dirt and sewage in his mouth. He would shovel in what he could, to keep his strength up and to keep his mother from lecturing him, but only if she was there to watch him eat. Otherwise, he just couldn't force himself to. His stomach hurt constantly, this heavy, throbbing, hot feeling. It wasn't just a feeling of stress, it was an actual, physical pain. He would spend several hours, laying on his bed, curled into a ball with his arms wrapped around his stomach.   
    Sleep was useless except for when he was so tired, his body was ready to shut down. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Duo as he had seen him before he had left for London, smiling and healthy and safe, and felt an intense guilt. When he did sleep, he had the worst sort of nightmares. Awful things full of monsters and blood and the sound of a child crying, dreams he couldn't quite remember when he woke up, but still made him feel sick. He knew that he was killing himself, depriving himself of the things that his body needed to keep going, but he couldn't help it. He felt like he was being ripped apart. Every time he went out to look for Duo, he had to force himself to come back home, knowing that if he stayed out too late, his mother and friends would just come looking for him, worried for his well being. It made him resent them, even though the more rational part of himself knew that that wasn't fair of him.   
    He was incredibly grateful that school vacation had started. To sit there for most of the day, listening to his teachers drone on and his classmates talk about pointless things like fashion and sports and celebrities like chittering monkeys would have driven him insane. Heero felt like he had before he had met Duo, wanting to cause some destruction and feeling bitter, argumentative, and angry at everything. But he fought against those bad habits, not wanting to go back to that dark and lonely place he had been in before he had moved here. Mostly, he didn't want to disappoint Duo. What would his best friend think when they found him and he learned that Heero had been fighting with his mother and friends just because he was furious and hated himself for this situation? He clung to that thought desperately.  
    He should be out on the streets right now looking for the red eyed man, Heero realized, but a dark thought had come to him last night when he had been tossing and turning restlessly. What if Duo had escaped from Wes like he had last time? And, just like before, he was hurt or suffering from one of those awful panic attacks he had sometimes? While escaping from Wes seemed like a wonderful thought, he remembered how Duo had been when Wes had assaulted him outside his job. They had all been there for him, and Wes had gotten away with only shooting the violet-eyed boy in the shoulder, but Duo had been a wreck, barely able to form coherent, intelligent thought without them leading him. How had he reacted when Wes had kidnapped him? They had gotten lucky last time. Duo had been on the verge of death the last time he had escaped from the bastard, his spleen ruptured and bleeding internally. Heero still had no clue how his friend had found the strength and clarity to go to his house and hide there, somehow understanding that he would be safe there. IT still amazed him. Duo even admitted that that was a whole blur to him and he couldn't remember how he had gotten there, either.   
    What if the past was doomed to repeat itself, but _worse_? What if Duo was hurt bad and having a panic attack, but was lost, with no idea where he was and how to get home? They were all so busy trying to find Wes, assuming that Duo was with him, but what if Duo was holed up somewhere, somewhere he thought was safe, waiting for them to rescue him? Heero realized he was crying and succumbed to it, too tired and heart broken to find the strength to deny himself the tears. What if he was still failing the boy he loved?  
    He had spent this entire day going to all the places duo might go to hide; the condemned apartments Trowa had found him at that time he had run away, the school, the public library. He had finally come to the park, remembering Duo telling him that, aside from t he library, it was favorite place in town to just relax and be himself. When he had been upset, he had taken bread or crackers Wes wasn't eating and fed the birds and squirrels. This was also the place he had met with his cats when he had thought that Name wouldn't let him keep them at the house. But he had failed again. Duo wasn't here.  
    "Heero?"  
    The blue-eyed boy turned quickly, looking behind him and saw his mother there, approaching the bench. He hadn't even heard her walking on the cement of the pathway in her heels, too absorbed in his turbulent thoughts. She had just come from work and was dressed nicely so it had probably been something important, not that Heero could remember if she had told him. Her startled, hurt expression destroyed the facade of a cool, composed CEO as she looked at her son, whose appearance was completely opposite of hers, dressed in a pair of old, torn jeans and the same shirt he had worn yesterday (he needed to do his laundry and hadn't been able to muster up the ability to care that he was wearing dirty clothes), his hair more mussed than it usually was, dark circles under his eyes and tears falling down his cheeks. He wiped at them, but the gesture was useless as more just spilled down.  
    "Mom?" he whispered as though he was so far gone that he couldn't be sure if he was awake or trapped in a dream, "How did you know I was here?"  
    "I told you I was going to the police station after work today," she reminded him, "I was on my way back when Trowa said he hadn't heard from you. I've been looking for you for the past two hours and was on my way home when I saw your car parked across the street from here."  
    It took awhile for his mother's words to make any sense at all in his head, and then another full minute for him to bring the conversation this morning to mind. He was operating on too little sleep, his thoughts faint and strange, bordering on nonsensical. He blushed a little as he remembered that his mother _had_ told him that she was going to be in a meeting today, but after that, she was going to go to the police to see how they were progressing. He knew that she was not only losing her patience with them, but actually getting angry (a very rare thing for her) and had no doubt that quite a few threats and accusations had flung their way this afternoon. He had also forgotten where he had parked his car. What was wrong with him? Why was all of this so difficult, the very smallest of tasks? Just because he was sleep deprived, or because he was stressed about Duo? Name stood in front of him, her expression wavering back and forth between anger and worry.  
    "Heero, Trowa and I have been trying to reach you for hours, but you have your phone off!" she scolded, "Do you have any idea how terrified was?!"  
    "Terrified?" he murmured, not getting why him turning off his phone would terrify her.  
    "Yes," she knelt down and grabbed his hands, forcing him to look her in the eye, "When I couldn't reach you, I thought the worst, that you had found Duo, and Wes had kidnapped and hurt you as well, like in Boston," her voice hitched, "losing the both of you... I can't go through that again. You _have_ to keep your phone on and let us know where you are!"  
    "I left it in the car," he murmured, "It must have run out of power."  
    He had meant to charge it last night, but had forgotten, which was so fucking _stupid_ of him! What if Duo had tried to call him? Heero started to panic when he remembered that Duo had the house phone number memorized and would try that before his cell phone, if he had the time to make two phone calls. His thoughts were distracted as his mother brushed his cheek with her knuckles, swiping away one tear trail.  
    "Heero... what are you doing here?" she murmured and that familiar tone of his mother, worried about him and loving him, nearly broke him for a moment.  
    "I thought... I thought he might be here," Heero said a rough, raw tone, "Duo came here to look for his cats, and he found them, one by one. I had hoped... that... if I came here looking for him, I would find him, too."  
    Heero realized his own stupidity then. He had stayed here, on this bench, for three whole hours after he had walked through the entire park, looking for some sort of clue or sign that Duo might have been here. And of course there hadn't been any. Because Duo _hadn't_ escaped from Wes. Somehow... all along... he had known that. There was this feeling, deep in his gut, this fear, this sort of understanding and sixth sense that everything was wrong, deeply wrong. He should have combed the park, then continued on, go through his rounds of looking the streets and asking questions about Duo, Wes, and the red eyed man until he either found one of them or it was his curfew to head back to the house. Instead, he had stayed here, wasting valuable time watching people come and go, like he was a statue.   
    He had stubbornly clung to the hope that Duo, like any stray cat, would eventually come back to him. He had felt frozen with helplessness and fear, his heart like a shard of ice so thick, no warmth could thaw it. His mother's dark brown eyes brightened with her own tears, both from her son's very visible pain, and her own longing and sorrow to see the other boy she loved home where he belonged, but also feeling powerless, something that she was not accustomed to at all. She wrapped her arms around her son and half held, half clung to him. She usually had steel-like composure, but she forgot that they were in a public place, even if no one was near them now, and cried silently against his strong shoulder.   
    For a brief moment, she realized just how much like his father Heero was becoming. It was a wonderful, terrifying thought. There was a part of her that loved the idea that Heero would be like his father, would grow up with his confidence and kindness and strength. But there was another part that hated the knowledge that he was quickly approaching adulthood, and for all her power and wealth, this was one thing she had no control over. Heero would grow into his own person and she understood what not many parents did, that she had no say, no authority over who that person would ultimately be. She could hope to push him in the right direction, but she didn't want to be the sort of mother that set out to try to change her son, instead of just letting go of the reins, letting him become the adult that he was going to become either way. But seeing those little things that reminded her so much of her husband; the wideness of his shoulders, the softness in his blue eyes when he was with Duo and the hardness in them, the protectiveness when his best friend was hurt, either emotionally or physically, made her heart hurt sometimes. She couldn't tell if it was twinges of loneliness, how much she missed her husband, or empty nest syndrome, seeing that, eventually, Heero would go off to do his own thing.  
    "I'm scared... _all the time_ for him, Mom," the Japanese boy said in a tight, almost childish tone of desperation and heartache, "It's all I can think about... what Wes is doing to him right now... how he might be hurting or crying when we should have saved him by now... _I_ should have saved him... but all I can do is sit here and think that I've failed him again! I feel... paralyzed... terrified... I don't know what to do! And I keep thinking 'what if we don't find him? What will I do if Duo never comes back home?"  
    Name stiffened, hearing the same fear that she had felt every minute since Trowa's terrible phone call from her son. She grabbed at his shoulders, not caring about how her face looked, wet with tears that she so seldom shed.  
    "Sweetheart, I want you to listen to me," her eyes looked like there was some kind of fire burning in them, her tone passionate and determined, "I _will_ find him. No matter how long it takes, no matter what I have to do... I will bring Duo back home and I will make sure that Wes can never harm him again."  
    Heero didn't need to see her expression, he could hear it in her voice, this change in her. He knew that she had always hesitated in deciding how to deal with Wes. She had always been torn between wanting to keep her ideals, both for herself and to prove to Duo, not only that she understood his hesitance towards violence and didn't think less of him for it, that she could be the kind of parent he needed and, they both believed, had always wanted. Someone strong, someone who didn't need to resort to the same kind of terrorism and insidious methods that Wes used to get his way, just for Duo to have some piece of mind and safety. Heero knew that Duo couldn't stand that. It was the reason why he had reacted so strongly to Wufei's guilt over not killing Wes before. As much as he hated Wes, and as much as he was scared of him, Duo didn't want to be pushed into corner where, his only choices were to kill his former abuser, or continue to be abused by him. He had always hoped to be better than that and Heero knew that his mother hated the thought that she might, one day, have to hypocritically let Duo down when what he really needed, what Duo really needed, was justice, not vengeance.   
    But that day had come. They had hesitated, all of them, when they should have struck. They had all been worried about trying to help Duo heal after everything Wes had done to him, about giving him confidence and trying to do the right thing, they had forgotten that you could only heal after a wound had been made. But Wes hadn't been finished with hurting their friend, not at all. They should have been more concerned with making sure he was safe, taking the threat out before the strike. But was that fair? Had it really been an either or situation? Duo's safety or his emotional state?   
    Trowa had let him risk himself so he could feel more confident about himself, so, in the long run, he wouldn't be in the high state of terror he had been lately. He had hated his long time friend for that decision, but had he been wrong? Duo had been kidnapped, but if that hadn't had happened, would he be viewing it as a such a terrible choice? He wished that he had killed Wes back then, in the woods, that he had been the one that had gotten the gun and pointed it at Wes' head. He was sure that Wufei had thought that he would be able to pull the trigger, was sure that many people would say that, in a situation like that, they would do what needed to be done, and most of them wouldn't be able to. But he would have been. He knew that, down in his very core.   
    Wufei hadn't had to listen to the countless stories of abuse, hadn't had to hold his best friend while he cried like a little child in his lap about being raped so brutally, he had been unable to stand for days, or all the verbal abuse that had made him actually _believe_ that he was worse than scum or trash, or the horrible mind games that had made Duo doubt such simple things like human kindness and decency. After all the pain Wes had put his best friend through, the kindest, brightest, most beautiful person he had ever met, he would have pointed that gun in between those cold, inhuman grey eyes and pulled the trigger in a heartbeat, then _none_ of this would have happened. But what about Duo? What would he have felt because of his actions?   
    Heero knew him so well after all these months together and he knew that he would not thank him for killing for him. He would be horrified. Half because of his conflicted feelings for the bastard and half because Duo, where so many others had been unable to, saw something better in him, something special. He only would have felt guilty, believing that it was his fault for making Heero a murderer. Still, he knew the conviction in his heart, what he would do to Wes if he was ever face to face with the man again and he had a knife. He would become an animal, a protective wolf, and maybe that was a bad thing, but he had never before felt a rage like he had when he had met Wes in those woods, remembering what he had done to Duo, now and as a child. If the two of them went at it, it would be animal on animal violence.   
    Duo deserved justice. He deserved to stand up in court, in front of a jury of his peers, and tell them all what Wes had done to him. He deserved to see his abuser behind bars, to regain some faith in humanity and right and wrong. But all Heero wanted to do was tear the rapist to shreds. He saw this same conviction in his mother's eyes and realized that she had finally reached the breaking point. She couldn't rely on her morality, what was right and wrong, when one of her children was in mortal danger. She wanted to, he could see that. She wanted to believe that if she just did the right thing, everything would work out, but she also understood that, far too often, the world did not operate that way. The best of people had to dirty themselves, pervert themselves, for that right thing to happen. It shouldn't be that way, but a rapist of children shouldn't be allowed to walk around in daylight with all that power and money and _smugness_ when one of his victims suffered constantly, just from his memories. That wasn't right, either.   
    He especially shouldn't be allowed to continue _breathing_ , threatening Duo's life and safety when they had the means to stop him. But did they? For the first time in his life, Heero doubted the power of his family. Could they stop Wes? They had tried to just get Intel on him, and that had failed. What did they have to do to put a stop to this, get a team of assassins? That was a part of Wes that he hadn't considered. He had always seen him as some petty thug, a man who listened to his baser urges and got away with it because the town's police force was corrupt. But he had taken out their investigator. Duo had told him once that Wes was cold and calculating, but he also had a mean streak fifty miles long. When things were just business, he could hire or rely on just about anyone to take out a potential problem for him. Just like with the Yuy empire, such problems even tended to work themselves out, without him giving a single order.  
    But every once in awhile, a different problem presented itself. A previously reliable drug mule or prostitute or partner would go behind his back and steal his money or drugs or try to take him down. Wes _never_ relied on others in these situations. He seemed to have this twisted moral code. In a business problem, he was that same calculating person, but when one of his own disobeyed him, the monster in him came out to the surface. Heero believed that, if Wes _had_ found out that they had put a tail on him, he would have dealt with it on his own, especially since it was because of Duo and he had a personal hatred for Heero and his family. But his mother's investigator had also been tasked with neutralizing Wes, as easily and quickly as he could even if he had to kill him, which to Heero meant 'trained assassin'. And Wes had taken such a man out in less than 72 hours. Which of course meant that the sociopath had some skills as an assassin all on his own. Just who the hell _was_ Wes Maxwell? Where had he come from?   
    Heero didn't think that even Duo knew the answers to those questions. Could they really kill a ghost, something that none of them knew very much about? It wasn't that he thought that they couldn't. He was sure that, through trial and error, they would manage to find the right man for the job, someone with more skill and tenacity than Wes, it was just a matter of time and connections. They had the latter, but the former... Heero was scared that, the more people they sent after Wes, the more likely he was going to get skittish and end up being pushed into a corner. When he had heard all those stories about Wes and had seen the coldness of his eyes, he had seen him as a shark. But the more he thought of it, the more he remembered the things that Duo had told him, the more he realized that he had been wrong.   
    Sharks ate a wide variety of meats, but could also be choosey. They would test their prey with smaller, curious bites, and if they didn't like it, would move on to better food. But Wes wasn't like that. He gave no warning, no testing. He was like a Saltwater crocodile, one of this big, man-eating ones they had shows on television about, that stalked tourist swimming areas in Northern Australia. They would study their prey, even humans, and move like shadows in the water, their every move calculated. They were smart and powerful. They were fast in the water, their strikes like being hit by a truck. Their hides were like armor, they had no natural predators besides people, and when one of them had its jaws around you, there was nothing you could do but hope that it would let you go, or that it had your arm so, when it ripped it off, you might escape with the rest of you.   
    Most sharks, when cornered, will briefly lash out, then flee, only really concerned with their next meal or mating instead of winning a fight against a human. A large, male crocodile will stand its ground for a much longer time, fiercely territorial and stubborn, as though they know that they had been around longer than people, and would probably be around long after humans went extinct, so sure of their survival. Or perhaps they just hated being attacked that much, so used to being the top predator. If they cornered Wes, one of three things might happen. He would attack them in turn, take Duo and run, or he would kill him, just to spite them, to take away any kind of victory for them. At this point, Heero was more scared of them posing a threat to the man and shoving him into a corner where he thought it would be necessary to strike. But even then, it gave him a dark thrill, seeing the resolve in his mother's eyes and knowing that she was finally willing to do something dirty and corrupt if she had to.  
    "What if he's dead?" Heero heard himself whisper, unable to stop from voicing that fear, the fear that they had already failed. He felt his mother's fingers dig into him and knew that he had hurt her with that fear.  
    "I will find him," she repeated, "No matter what. I'll bring him home."  
    Heero closed his eyes, feeling more tears pour down his cheeks, and nodded. They would find him. Even if there was nothing more than a body to bring back, they would bring him home, where he belonged.   
  
*****  
  
    It was always dark here. He could no longer tell if his eyes were open or closed, it was all the same. Days and nights... time didn't exist. He was floating, just like before. How long had he been here? That thought felt so familiar... he had thought it before, back then. Everything was back then, this same darkness, this feeling of sickness. But this sickness was different somehow. His body ached and his throat felt hot and dry, but not from all the cocks he had sucked. _They_ weren't coming this time. Just Wes. In some ways, that was good, in others it was worse. Just one man, not all those strangers... but he was alone more than before, just himself in this dark place. He hated the sound of his heartbeat, the only sound he could hear when Wes wasn't here.  
    At first, he had sung to himself. Anything at all to relieve the darkness and silence. But after awhile, his throat had hurt too much and he had begun to cough. He had thought that, if he stayed quiet for a little while, the cough and sore throat would go way, but it hadn't. It had only gotten worse. He missed singing, missed hearing a sound that wasn't his heart and breathing, or his cries. He had cried a lot in the beginning. Useless tears. His heart aching for light and touch and warmth. He was too tired to cry anymore. That alone told him that something was very wrong with him, something more than just being locked away in the dark.   
    It was hard for him to make his limbs move, his body feeling too heavy. Was he drugged? Had Wes given him something, maybe KL6 again? Duo tried to move his fingers and felt utter relief when they responded, curling then relaxing. He could remember needles, but the idea that Wes had shot him up with something seemed wrong. His body didn't just feel heavy, but... not _there_. He felt he was dreaming. Wes came for him occasionally. He was always felt this awful excitement and relief when he heard his familiar footsteps in the hall or saw that strip of light under the door meaning that someone was home. Just to know that someone was _there_.   
    It was always dark when Wes opened the door, though. This didn't mean anything, only making Duo feel more disoriented by the possible time. There were no windows out there, so no matter if it was night or day, the only light had to come from the hall light. Sometimes, Wes would have sex with him. Including that first time when he had used the wires, they had done it seven times now and Wes had forced him to give him oral sex three of those times. It was the only thing he could measure in this darkness, how many times Wes had raped him, but even that was beginning to blur. He remembered chains and being shoved down onto a soft bed, unable to move, but that was wrong. The only thing binding him was the leather cuffs around his wrists and there was no bed. He was confusing _that time_ with now, everything become one stream of events. He was breaking... was he dreaming now? Wes had let him go... had done that wonderful thing and he had disappointed him again, made him lock him in here. It was better than the bed, though. Anything was better than the bed.  
    And sometimes, Wes would just sit here with him in the dark, watching him, not fucking him or letting someone else fuck him. It was disturbing, but not so different than how he had been before, watching him in his most private moments, but it was also a sort of relief from the bad things, at least it didn't hurt. Or maybe those were more dreams. He slept constantly. AT first it had just been an attempt to escape the darkness and loneliness, but now he felt tired all the time. He couldn't know how long he had slept each time. Time felt chaotic and endless. Just like last time.  
    He kept thinking that. "Last time." But was it last time, or was it this time? What if they were the same? The things he dreamed... that beautiful white house, the loving mother, the boy he loved... they were the things he needed to go back to. He had these memories, times of warmth and love so brilliant, it made him hurt now. But those memories were too clean, too perfect, too absent of the pain he had known his entire life. How could they be real? This was the reality, this closet, the darkness. All this perversion and pain. When Wes had chained him up in that bed, he had dreamed wonderful things then, too. Things so similar... a home and a family that loved him. Loved _him_. That, in itself, was a dream.  
    What if his memories were lies? Pleasant illusions to keep him from going insane? What if he had never escaped from here, but had merely dreamt that he had? What if HEero still hated him, had never forgiven him at all? He was still the same ugly person with no future and no purpose besides to be a whore and the only person who loved him at all, and ever would, was Wes? Duo curled up into a tight ball and felt tears prick his eyes at the thought that all those wonderful things that had happened to him, Name taking him in and giving him so much while asking for absolutely nothing in return, had all been his imagination. He supposed he still had the energy to cry after all. He wanted HEero. He wanted his cats. He wanted his mother. He wanted to go home!  
    'Home isn't real,' a voice in his head said, 'The Heero that told you that you deserved so much better, that you are beautiful and that he could never blame you for any of this isn't real. There's only _this_. Lying in the dark, waiting for Wes to open the door so you can feel the touch of another human being. Heero isn't going to come rescue you and he sure as hell doesn't love you.'  
    Duo sobbed, pressing his face into the pillow. It smelled of his sweat and was still damp from the last time he had cried into it.  
    'Heero Yuy love _you_?' the voice continued, a voice that sounded exactly like his own, but colder and bitter, 'Who are you kidding? What is there in you to love, even as a friend? You're weak. Even in your dreams, you can't make yourself into anything else better! You're pathetic, just lying here, sick and crying. Why would he want _you_ as a friend, let alone a boyfriend? But Wes loves you. All these years, he fed you, clothed you, and even let you go to school. When he's here with you, doesn't the loneliness go away a little bit? Who else is going to take care of a useless piece of shit like you? Look at you. Homeless rat turned cheap whore. You're shaking just from being alone in the dark, like a little child without his night light. Scared of a few shadows, broken so easily. If you say yes, he'll let you walk in the light again. He'll make sure you're looked after, and isn't that better? You sure as hell can't take care of yourself if this is any indicator, not anymore. You used to, when you were younger, but now you can't even be alone for five seconds without panicking. As terrible as he is, he's the only one who cares about you. You should consider yourself lucky! A powerful man like Wes wants you, a timid mouse, who knows why. So why... why can't you just say yes?'  
    It was true. He _was_ shaking. He trembled like this every time Wes left him alone. He was so scared of it, of being by himself. He wanted to be touched, to be held. He wanted to feel the warmth of Wes' body, even if that meant he had to have sex with him. Anything was better than this cold deep down in his heart. He might hate him, but he loved him, too. And, lately, it hadn't been that bad, being with him. Had it? Wes had been frustrated with how weak Duo was, his tiredness, his inability to tell him that he wouldn't try to run away anymore, his coughing. The cuts on his arms from the wires had bled for longer than they should have and the places that Wes had touched or grabbed roughly, even if it shouldn't have  been hard enough to leave a mark, had bruised to black. Every time Wes yelled at him for these weaknesses, he felt useless, weaker, and pathetic.   
    He hated having sex with him, too. He hated the feeling of his large, calloused hands on his hips, his hot breath ghosting over his skin, his hips pushing against his. He especially hated the way his cock felt inside of him and the taste of his cum. Even though it was just Wes and not that constant stream of nameless men, it still made him feel filthy. It made him feel like a whore. And his acceptance of this, his lack of desire to fight back, made him feel worse. But WEs hadn't really hurt him at all. He hadn't broken anything, or cut him, or tortured him. So why did he feel like this? Like... like... _abused_? He should be happy. Compared to before, being treated like a cheap sex toy and a worthless punching bag, this was incredible, so much more than what he had ever had, and what WEs was offering him...   
    What was he expecting? What was he waiting for? That voice in his head was right. He wasn't fighting against Wes, was so beaten down and tired that he wasn't even trying to escape. Hadn't tried to escape all those years. Wes' love was more than what a pathetic person like him deserved. The man had money and power, fear and respect, and he wanted to give _him_ a better life? He didn't need to wonder why a part of him had always been so deeply connected to WEs. The man was a monster, he _knew_ that. After everything he had put him through, all the tears and screams, breaking bone after bone, one act of torture after another, he knew how horrible the blonde was. But he had one quality that Duo craved, _had_ craved since he was a little boy, like a terrible addiction he couldn't stop no matter how hard he tried. One by one, everyone in his life had abandoned him. His parents, Sunshine, Helen, Yuki, Heero... No one stayed, his life had taught him that.  
    No one, except for Wes. His pimp and guardian had been with him for _eight years_ , longer than anyone else by far! In a sick way, he could rely on WEs to _always_ be there for him. Wes loved him. Every time he had run away from him, he had dragged him back. He could have turned his back on him and left him be, but he hadn't. And Wes would die. He wouldn't leave him like that. The man took good care of himself. There wasn't an ounce of fat on him, he didn't eat cholesterol rich foods like Chris did and, besides the smoking, he didn't have many unhealthy habits. He had a beer or two occasionally, but he never got drunk, he didn't like that kind of loss of control.  
    Health wise, if he didn't get lung cancer or something from those damned cigarettes, WEs was destined to live a long life. And Duo couldn't see the stubborn force of nature that Wes was succumb to something so insidious and sneaky like cancer. But health wasn't the only thing he had to worry about. With the kind of power that Wes held, there was always someone who wanted to overthrow him. His low key lifestyle didn't help, either. Yes, it made people underestimate him, and helped to throw the cops who weren't on his payroll off his trail, but it also wasn't very intimidating, unlike other drug dealers that had their own protective details. Not only that, but Wes had destroyed a lot of lives. He had kidnapped people for leverage and prostitution, gotten kids and teenagers addicted to drugs, and killed who knew how many people by his own hand, which made him a target for revengeful parents, siblings, spouses, ect.   
    Just in the years they had been living together, there had been 37 attempts on Wes' life, and those had just been the ones that Duo had known about. And in all of those attempts, Wes had stopped all of his attackers with no more effort than if he had been batting away a particularly pesky fly. The closest he had ever come was when he had gotten shot in the shoulder and he had only done that to draw the assassin out. The would-be killer, a vengeful cop that, after refusing to come to Wes' side, had become a widower once Wes had planted a car bomb in his wife's SUV, had faired far worse in the shoot-out than Wes had. It was like Wes was made of Kevlar, nothing could hurt him.   
    If he stayed with Wes, he would never be alone. He had never been able to feel that towards any other human being and it made him feel... happy. Happy and warm. Even if Wes wasn't the one he wanted, deep down in the more secret places of his heart, wasn't it a good thing to have that with someone, that reliability? He had lived his entire childhood before WEs alone and isolated. He knew how it invaded you, more thoroughly than any cancer, the loneliness. How it made you scream and want to cling to the closest warm body, as tightly as you could. All he wanted was to be cradled, to have someone care whether he was breathing or not. It had been that loneliness that had been his downfall. Being abused by WEs was one thing, and it had been terrible, but it had felt so awful because he had needed something else from him. And even if Wes had hurt him, the pain had still been better than the nothingness.  
    Suddenly, a horrifying thought occurred to him. What if he _did_ say yes to Wes? What if he cut all of his ties here, dropped his schooling, never saw Heero, Name, Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, Shi, Solo, Amaaya, and the twins ever again? He would have to leave his cats behind. Wes _hated_ pets, especially cats. What if he did all that, just to be with Wes, to be loved by someone, did everything and agreed to everything that Wes wanted from him and Wes got bored with him? HE would fall out of love with him as suddenly and chaotically as he had admitted his love to him in the first place. He would abandon him, just like everyone else.  
    Duo shuddered and burrowed deeper in the blanket. 'Duo'... such a stupid name had picked for himself. He knew that, if he had only been aware of what a duo was, he never would have taken it. Pairs... Solo had had the right idea, although he didn't know if his friend had chosen it consciously or not. When had he ever belonged to a pair of _anything_? Even among Solo, Shi, Amaaya, Hi, the twins, and Yuki, he had been the outsider. With Heero, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei, he had felt the same way. He didn't know if his paranoia about his memories was well-founded or not, but around them he had always felt not a stranger. Dreams or not, he and Heero had gone through a lot and even before that huge fight they had had, Duo had felt so close to him. Maybe these feelings were born from his desperation to be connected to people, even with all of his trust issues. Heero had somehow broken through all of it, his fear of people, his inability to believe he could have any friends that weren't fellow whores, and even _those_ friends were as rare and precious as gold, because of how dark and twisted his life was, all the secrets he had to keep, and that he didn't deserve those connections, that warmth and companionship.  
    If his memories were just illusions, fevered dreams created to stave away the dark and pain by a broken mind, it was terrible... no, worse than terrible, there was no word he could use to describe how that possibility made him feel, because if his memories of his life with Name and Heero, living with them, becoming a part of their family, weren't real, that meant there was absolutely no point in even trying to escape. He had nowhere to run to, no one who would shelter him. He couldn't risk Shi and Solo's lives by turning to them. And HEero hated him. Name probably thought he was scum, lying to her son like that... he had thought all these things before, so very long ago, but found himself returning to them, not able to trust his own mind that was telling him he didn't need to hurt over those things anymore, Heero and Name had already forgiven him for everything.  
    How many times had his mind betrayed him? How many times had he realized that he was missing memories, or pieces of the memoirs he did have were confused, jumbled, or just plain wrong? He felt like he had schizophrenia, unable to put any faith in what he perceived as 'real'. He needed to know... he needed to know that Heero and Name were worried sick about him, that his cats were safe at home, that _he_ had a home to return to, that these doubts were just because he was breaking again, because he was delirious with what felt like a very bad fever and not because there was any truth in them. And what if his memories _were_ real, did it matter? He still couldn't escape, could still never see Heero again.     He was so tired... not just because he felt sick. He was tired of all of this, of fighting and worrying and hating himself. Tired of loving Wes and hating him. Wouldn't it be better to just say yes to him and to forget about anything else? Forget about Heero and Name and his future and his past... just focus on letting Wes do whatever he liked so he didn't have to think anymore... he knew that was one of the reasons why so many people got addicted to drugs. It wasn't just the chemicals, but that feeling of forgetting, of letting go. It wasn't right, but it was comforting, wasn't it? So why couldn't he do that?  
      
  _"Is it so wrong that I want the best for you? After everything that’s happened, I want you to be happy and have the life that you deserve, not just because you were hurt, but because you’re a good person and you do deserve the best! If I have to fight the whole world for that to happen, then I will! Why do you give up so easily?!”_   
  
    An ice-cold shiver went down Duo's spine. Hearing Heero's voice, even just in his head, was like an electric current. It made goose bumps appear on his arms and he felt like his hair was standing on end. Heero... he rubbed his head against the pillow, suddenly hating Wes for tying up his wrists, wanting to hug it to his chest. He would have let Wes cut both of his hands off if it meant he could wrap his arms around Heero again.   
    How could he be so wracked with indecision? If he couldn't trust his memories, it was Wes' own fault! He could remember that day, in bits and pieces, a confused jumble of fear and pain. Mostly, he remembered the pain. That feeling that went through him when Wes had grabbed his head and, in a feat of fury that he had never witnessed in another human being before then and now, had slammed him into the floor. He remembered heat, like a fire raging in his skull, then this pain that was so intense, it was like ice.   
    He had been so sure, when he had heard this... this noise in his head, not shattering, but almost like cracking, the heat that had blossomed in his ear and how everything had kind of echoed, sounds so distorted, that Wes had killed him. That he had cracked his skull wide open and he would die on the apartment floor. There had been blood and he had shook. Not the way you would if you were cold. It had been like a seizure. And then, when he had woken up, he had thought Wes had done something with his vision in his sleep, had given him some kind of drug. He hadn't realized that the man had damaged his vision with that violent move, that it wouldn't get better until Heero had gotten it fixed... but that hadn't happened, had it? That had been in his dreams.  
    Duo felt fear overcome him as he looked around in the dark. Was his vision fixed, he thought in anxiety. He couldn't tell... but his eyesight had been blurry the last time Wes had opened the door. Was that just his imagination? He didn't want to know. He didn't want to open his eyes and realize that it all _had_ been a dream. The dark was terrifying, but in that moment, he wanted it to stay dark, so he could keep up the illusion that his memories were memories and not dreams. And if they were dreams... that meant that his vision wasn't fixed. There had been no miracle surgery. He remembered how Wes had commented on him wearing contacts and realized now when he hadn't then that Wes hadn't realized his vision was better.   
    For the first time in his entire relationship with the sociopath, Duo felt hatred. Pure, unconfused hatred. It had been Wes' fault that his vision had gotten fucked up! Wes' fault that he couldn't even trust his own goddamn head not to lie to him! The man hadn't even thought twice about slamming his head into the floor. He hadn't cared if he had hurt him! That kind of blow could have paralyzed him or given him severe developmental disabilities, especially at that young of an age! He had been lucky to have walked away just with short term memory loss and vision problems. It wasn't that, for a moment, Wes had lost control over his anger. He just hadn't cared. Duo could have died, and he wouldn't have cared.   
    In their entire relationship together, Wes had turned him into a rag doll. Every scar on his body was because of him, regardless if he had been the one to put them there. He had sliced up his feet, hit him with a baseball bat, thrown him into a tub full of ice-cold water... this was the man he was thinking about leaving everything he loved to be with? Even if he loved him, living with someone like that... wouldn't that be like attempted suicide?  
    What had he done to deserve Wes? To deserve his abuse and perversions? To deserve all the times he had raped him, trussed up, bleeding, and choking him? All those sick, sexual games and all the nasty things he had trained him to do... In his life... in his childhood, had he done something that he had deserved to be punished for? He had stolen to survive. Had stolen from dumpsters and restaurants and convenience stores. Had pick-pocketed wallets and spare change and jewelry, all for his next bite of food or some shoes. He had stolen food from other street kids, ones just as hungry as he had been. He had been unable to save Sunshine and Helen... his only chances to redeem himself, to do something _good_ with his garbage of a life... and he had failed both times. He had proved to the world that all the things those people said about kids like him, that he was trash, that he didn't deserve a chance to prove his worth, that if he was given a chance to get an education and a family, he would just fuck it up by becoming some drugged out punk, were true.   
    Was Wes his punishment, then? Was there really a God and He had thrown Wes in his way to hurt him because he had been unable to save two of the best people he had ever known? Even if Wes wasn't some kind of divine retribution, surely he still deserved all the pain and humiliation he had put him through. Hadn't there been something he could have done to have prevented all of this? His being locked up in this closest... was this his fault? Had there been some kind of warning back then, before Wes had taken him to his apartment, some indicator that he had missed because he had been too stupid to notice? No... no, that threat had always been there. There had been no warning... Wes had been waiting for him, like... like his destiny. Just waiting for him to fall into the trap and no matter what he could have done, it would have ended the same way. Somehow, that was worse than the possibility that he could have prevented all of this, knowing that he had been fucked since day one. He had been powerless against it.  
    And because he had been powerless, did that mean that he deserved to be raped over and over again, as some kind of justice? Was there some kind of higher power, taunting him? Letting Heero come into his life and then just... rip him out of it again. There was something wrong with him, some flaw that he had had since childhood, some kind of deficiency and he needed to be punished for it and no matter what he did, even if he escaped from here now, Wes would just find him again and hurt him again. Duo rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling, not that he could actually see it in the complete darkness. Tears ran down his cheeks and he could hear his breath hitching, partially in sickness and partially in distress.   
    "God," he whisper out loud, his violet eyes shining with fever, "if you really do exist and I've only chosen to believe that you don't because you never showed me any kind of kindness... please... please, tell me... if this is my punishment for being too weak, too pathetic, for not being strong enough or not doing anything in my life that has any value... why can't I be forgiven? I want to be forgiven... I want this to stop. I don't want to be here... anymore..." his voice was starting to get faint from his sore throat, his delirium making it hard for him to think coherently, "Please, Heero... forgive me... I want to go home... with you..."  
    He felt his tears, unpleasantly warm on his fevered cheeks, trickle down his neck. He turned his head into the pillow again, rolling onto his side. It hurt his back to lay on it like that. He wasn't sure if it was because of the last time Wes had had sex with him or because of how hard the floor of the closet was. As he rolled, he felt the scars from when Wes had shot him in the shoulder and the ones in his side pull. He hissed. For some reason, his skin felt really sensitive lately, or was that an illusion, too?   
    Duo's eyes widened in shock at that thought. An illusion... if his memories were wrong, then why did he have those scars? Wes had shot him... Heero had been there, he had been the one to take him to the hospital. And when Chris had ruptured his spleen... that was real! These scars weren't a dream. And hadn't Wes squeezed them earlier? They had to be real... He supposed it was possible that the wound was indeed real, but that he hadn't knocked Chris out that night, that the bear of a man had brought him back to Wes, who had been the one to get him fixed up... No, no that wasn't true!   
    Maybe he was delirious and his mind was cracking from being back here again, but those memories weren't lies! He remembered the joy he had felt at seeing Heero's face again, of hearing his voice, even if the Japanese boy had been furious at him. He remembered how scared he had been, trying to get back 'home', how he had kept throwing up blood and had thought for sure that some terrible demon was chasing him. He remembered Heero carrying him to his car to drive him to the hospital, his body wracked with agony. He couldn't have dreamt that pain, right? His mind was full of darkness. He never dreamed, he only ever had nightmares. Even when he had been chained to the bed, he had been aware of his fantasies, had known that they weren't real. His mind was incapable of allowing him to believe in that kind of hope, that kind of beauty.  
    All those moments with Name, Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei... there was no way his sick and twisted mind could come up with people who loved him that much, who accepted him so completely! Even before he had run away from school, Name had been so kind to him... was it really so hard to believe that such a person could exist in reality? And if it was hard to believe that, how could he possibly dream it? All those months... he couldn't have dreamed all those things that had happened. Because it wasn't the huge things that made no sense to have dreamed, but the little ones. The monotony of his day to day life. Opening the mail, dusting the house when Name was at a meeting. There was too much, no one's imagination could be that vivid.  
    No, it wasn't the tiny details, either. Every time Heero's hand had touched him, or he had said his name, Duo had felt this incredible warmth in his heart, these little electrical currents that had made him feel... _loved_. Those feelings had been so intense, so powerful, he just couldn't believe that they weren't real. Name and Heero were out looking for him. All those things _had_ happened, not because he thought he finally had the proof of it, but because he wanted to believe that! Duo felt a hysterical relief that, not only he had a family and a home that he could believe in, but that he had made a decision. He couldn't make up his mind about Wes, which was still tearing him apart inside, but he had made up his mind about his memories, all on his own. It gave him hope that he could do the same thing for Wes.  
    Duo struggled to sit up, suddenly finding the strength as just a bit of the fuzziness in his head from the fever abated, giving him a momentary clarity. He remembered now, that long drive to the hospital with Heero. He had bled all over the car, but Heero hadn't been angry. So many of his johns, with pieces of shit cars, would have hit him for getting a single drop of blood in their cars, but Heero hadn't cared. Duo had been sobbing, the pain so bad that he actually dry heaved from it, and Heero had tried to soothe him. He couldn't remember what Heero had said to him, but it had comforted him through the pain. It had gotten him through the hellish trip when, he knew, if he had been alone, he would have succumbed, not having the will power to fight. That pained haze seemed so much more real than this reality, trapped in the closest.  
    This was _not_ that chained bed and he was not that same person he had been. He could move, just not his arms, and he was sick, but he was beginning to realize that it was not from abuse or neglect. Wes had been feeding him and giving him plenty of water, unlike last time. He even put his jeans back on after he was done with him. There was something else... something important that he was forgetting... Just as it was about to come to him, the bottom of the door lit up in light. Duo froze, listening in desperation to the sound of Wes' footsteps out in the hallway. He was home.   
    "Wes," he cried out, slamming his bound hands against the door over and over and over again, the door shaking a little but otherwise not budging, "Please! Let me out! Let me out!"  
    The footsteps passed the door, moving towards the bedroom in an obvious dismissal.  
    "No," Duo sobbed, hitting the door again, but he started to slump, what little adrenaline he had managed to get quickly fading, "Let me out... please... just let me go... let me go..."  
    He felt limp to the ground, shivering. He was too weak, too dizzy. He had nothing left in him, no more fight. He had had little to begin with. When it came to Wes, he just couldn't do it and now his body was physically failing him. He coughed loudly, almost hacking. His throat convulsed, protesting all the yelling he had just done and feeling like he was swallowing steel wool. He was so tired... he could sleep, couldn't he? The boogieman would come for him regardless, so he could sleep... now that he knew that Heero was out there, that he still cared about him and wasn't angry or a figment of his imagination, could he dream about him? Could he see something pleasant finally when he closed his eyes instead of those terrible grey eyes, leering down at him?  
    The door suddenly swung open and bright light spilled into the small closet. Duo squeezed his eyes shut as pain spiked through his head and eyes, but for a brief moment, he saw Wes in perfect clarity, no blurred colors, no vision problems at all. He had his black jacket clenched in one hand and a bottle of something in the other. duo didn't have the time before the light overwhelmed him to see what it was. The blonde was wearing jeans instead of pants and a green shirt. The shirt and the top of his jeans were sprayed with blood. He _reeked_ of it, but his face was clean of it and his hair was damp, so he had probably taken a shower before coming back to the apartment and hid the blood with his jacket. But it didn't matter because of that smell... it was so cloying and thick it made Duo's stomach twist with nausea. He had gone out and _killed_ someone. He hadn't just shot the person, either. With that much blood, he had to have done something nasty, which meant that it was a personal matter, not a professional hit.  
    Who? One of his people that had stepped out of line? Or someone that Duo knew, someone who might have gotten too close to finding out where he was? He felt his heart quake with the knowledge that the man before him, the man he had considered running away with, had just taken someone's life. What was so shocking about that was that he was shocked at all by it. What the hell was wrong with him? He used to handle WEs' violence so much better than this. Living with him, it had been common place. But no matter if he had gotten used to it or not. It was evil. He could reason his feelings, his love for the man, but he was evil. Compared to Heero's warmth and kindness, he was nothing more than a monster. Wes looked furious as he glared down at Duo.      
    "Will you shut the fuck up?" he snarled and pushed Duo further into the closet with his foot so he could walk in.  
    Duo breathed in relief despite the rough, angry shove when the tall blonde didn't shut the door behind him, leaving it open for light to continue to pour into it. The first time Wes had closed the door during one of his visits, trapping Duo with him in the small, black space, effectively taking away one more of Duo's freedoms, he had had a screaming panic attack so bad, he had fainted.  
    "Stay still," Wes ordered as he grabbed Duo's wrists.  
    He turned the boy's hands over and saw black bruises there were he had slammed them against the door. Wes didn't notice Duo's look of both fear and relief at his presence and touch. His brow furrowed further in anger and frustration. He knew that there was no way the teenager could have hit the door hard enough to make bruises that bad and even if he had, they shouldn't have formed that quickly. His eyes traveled down the rest of Duo's arms.  
    "Goddamn it," he growled as he saw that his cuts were bleeding again, not just a sluggish trickle, but nearly as badly as when they had first formed. All of his other bruises had turned a dark bluish-black as well.   
    His snarl turned into a deep frown as he pulled Duo's arms straight. Beyond the marks his own stronger hands had made from grabbing him previously, there were more bruises along his arms. They were as deep and black as the others, but Wes knew for a fact that he hadn't put them there, and with Duo's wrists bound up, he couldn't have done anything to cause them, either. Phantom bruises. He had been trying to deny that the kid was sick, but with his fever, these bruises, and the constant, rasping cough, especially at night when Duo couldn't hold them in and assumed that Wes was asleep, he knew that the longer he put off doing something about it, the less likely just fluids and antibiotics was going to help and the more likely a hospital was going to be needed. It was such a pain in his ass, not to mention inconvenient. The Jap bitch was still sniffing for his blood. Taking out her noisy assassin hadn't deterred her any.  
    Oh, Wes knew that Yuy was aware that he had killed him. She was a butch cunt but she was far from an arrogantly stupid one. She was keeping things quiet, not kicking up a fuss. She knew that things would go more smoothly for her the less she broadcasted her actions, just as he did. Sure, she could let people know about the hit, the cops, FBI, or even the media, but that would draw just as much of his attention to what she was planning. Instead, she had done nothing and that worried him greatly. Yuy was not a woman who sat back and waited or idled in indecision. She was a woman of action, of progress and confidence. In that respect, Wes had to grudgingly respect her. Under her leadership, Yuy Corporations had grown during an economic period when other large, old, and powerful companies had died out and succumbed to bankruptcy. The two of them were very similar, they both were ruthless, strong, had no tolerance for weakness, and would rather get their own hands dirty than to rely on their underlings. They just happened to play at opposite ends of the field.  
    And while it had appeared on the surface that Yuy had been unfazed by losing her man, Wes knew otherwise. He had taken care of all the little piggish that had squealed on him to the detective, and the families of the worst offenders, sending a clear message to anyone else thinking of making a quick buck at his expense, but since he had gotten rid of the detective, there had been one person after another gunning for him.   
    These hadn't been street thugs or assassins hired by someone in his business. These had been grade A professionals, ghosts posing as men. He had offed two of them, but it had been a close thing and he knew that he couldn't stay here for much longer. The bitch had his scent and she was as tenacious and stubborn about the kid as he was. He guessed he _did_ mean more to her than just charity, something he had always suspected, not that he would ever admit it to him.  
    Maybe he couldn't give Duo all that Yuy could, and that pissed him off. The brunette was _his_ , his property, not hers! That there was someone in Duo's life who had more influence over him, who held sway, not over his physical body or life, but his heart, something he couldn't control in the way that he used to be able to, frustrated him. He would never submit to her, no matter what she threw his way. He had been waiting for the right moment to kill the bitch's brat, but maybe that moment had come. Maybe it would make her hesitate and give him the time to move the kid... or it would make her even more determined. It was probably stupid to think that he could hide from her just by moving to another state. A different country would be a better bet and even then... but Wes was quite adept at disappearing and he had to admit that playing cat and mouse with one of the most powerful people in the world excited him.  
    He might get away with taking Duo to the hospital if he was coming down with something really nasty, but there was no reason for him to take that risk. He had been taking care of him since he was seven years old and he had seldom needed the help of doctors to keep him going. He knelt down in the closet, putting the bottle on the floor.  
    “Sit up,” he barked, taking a bottle of pills from his pocket.  
    Duo automatically sat up. He didn’t even think about anymore, about trying to not do what Wes said, just because he didn’t want to fall into old patterns. It had already happened, little by little, he was becoming that person again. He hated it, hated realizing how second nature all of this was, but it was easier. He was just too tired to do ‘what he was supposed to’, to try to be strong. It was so much easier to just do whatever Wes wanted, to wait for someone to take him away from this place. The last time he had escaped, he had only done so because of Heero. His presence had given him the strength to try to run. On his own, he had no hope. Relying on people wasn’t in his nature, but neither was trusting his own abilities. He hated that part of himself, hated just lying here and acting like a puppet, but he was so lost.   
    He watched Wes sharply as he took the lid off the bottle of pills and took one out. The bottle had no label, which told him that Wes hadn’t gotten it from a pharmacy, but through some sort of illegal means. The pills were white and unmarked, and for a moment Duo wondered if he was trying to give him ecstasy again. Hadn’t they gone past that, past the drugs and coercion? He knew that Wes understood that drugs weren’t going to keep him here if Duo got the chance to escape and he had hoped he would use them just for his own sick enjoyment. It was hard enough to keep a handle on reality in this closet. Between the sensory deprivation, his inability to see the outside world, and his sickness, he was losing his grasp on everything. Drugs would probably just give him a full, psychotic break at this point. But these pills were big, far too large to be ecstasy or any other recreational drug Duo could think of.   
    “Open your mouth,” the blonde ordered.  
    “What is it?” he rasped, not doing what he was told instantly for once.  
    “Antibiotics,” Wes told him roughly, “Very strong ones, so I’m only giving you one a day. It should make you feel better by tomorrow morning.”  
    Duo’s violet eyes widened at that. So that was why there was no label... he knew what kind of antibiotics they were. They were expensive, especially if you got them illegally, and they were high quality. Usually, the current, more commonly used antibiotics took two to three days to do anything. These were used for people with serious problems and you needed a special kind of prescription to get them. He couldn’t remember the name of the antibiotic, or how he knew about it, he just remembered someone telling him about it and that it was important somehow. A part of him felt annoyed that Wes could get them just like that, and for him, who probably just had a cold or fever or something, but another part felt a wash of warmth, that Wes would pay for an expensive antibiotic for him when the man was usually so tight fisted about his money.   
    Then, it hit him. Senxomycin (1). Dr. Stark had been the one who had told him about it, when he had been lecturing him about the possible after effects of having his spleen removed. _That_ was what was wrong with him! How could he have forgotten that? The second he had started to feel sick, he should have realized that it was because he hadn’t been taking his medicine. He wracked his brain, trying to remember through the fevered haze everything that Stark had told him. Something about his immune system and white blood cell count... he couldn’t remember a lot of it, but he did remember the asshole doctor informing him that if he skipped his medication, he would get seriously sick. The human spleen was like a filtration unit and without it, you had an increase in white blood cell count, lack of response to some vaccinations, and a loss of immunity to several bacteria and illnesses.   
    It was especially tricky because the bacteria you could be susceptible to were a variety of types that were hard to target accurately with most antibiotics. But Senxomycin was different. It not only targeted a wide spectrum of bacteria, but was pretty powerful. It was the antibiotic Stark had given Name a subscription to if Duo got really sick, especially soon after his surgery, but they had never filled it. The worst thing that had happened was when he had run away after learning about Heero’s engagement, or more accurately his lack of, and his immune system had gone down enough for him to have picked up a cold. This was worse, much worse.   
    Wes had just chosen this antibiotic because of its potency and his refusal to take Duo to a doctor, but the teenager felt relieved. This wouldn’t solve the problem, but it might help with the fever. He let Wes put the pill in his mouth. It was horribly bitter, but that only meant that it was probably as strong as Stark had said. Wes brought the bottle of liquid to his lips and Duo tasted non-pulp orange juice. His sickness had made him slightly dehydrated and he quickly realized that his fever was getting worse, spiking rapidly and making him feel more than just slightly delirious, the citrus tasting more wonderful than it should. He drank it down greedily, each gulp of it only fueling his desire for more until half of the bottle was gone and Wes took it away from him, setting it back on the floor.  
    “Enough,” the other man said gruffly, “Save some for tomorrow.”  
    Duo closed his eyes, feeling tiredness overwhelm him, as though it had just been waiting for Wes to return. He laid down on the floor, not even caring about laying on the pillow and blanket. What little clarity and energy he had gained with Wes’ arrival left him quickly and he sunk into himself, not quite asleep, but barely awake or aware of anything around him. Some part of himself knew that it was because of whatever bacteria was making him sick, but the rest of him didn’t care. Little details, like where Wes was, what he was doing, or if he should try to escape faded away until he could only feel things on a very base, emotional level.   
    Wes noticed Duo’s sudden apathy and put a hand on his forehead, pushing his bangs back. He frowned, feeling waves of heat radiating off of the boy’s skin. The antibiotics should help his fever, but if they didn’t, he would have to get a doctor, one that wouldn’t ask too many questions and would be easily intimidated. He trailed his hand down his cheek, caressing it a little, then pressed his fingers to his neck, checking his pulse. Even though he was lying completely still, his heart was racing. Wes patiently waited until he felt Duo’s heart skip a couple of beats, slow down for a few seconds, then pick up again.   
    Wes swore under his breath. He was still having heart palpitations. This wasn’t just some stupid cold, or even a bad flu. He had no idea what this was. Fucking kid... it was just one thing after another. All of his survival instincts were telling him to ditch the longhaired boy here, let him starve in this closet. He was just going to slow him down, was only going to pervert him more, the longer they were together. What the hell was he going to do with him anyway? It wasn’t like he could trust him to not run away again, no matter what he said, he only wanted to hear the boy submit to him again, he wanted him to believe that running away from him was pointless, for as long as possible. He wanted things to go back to the way they had been, when Duo had belonged to only him and he had had complete control over him. But he was weak. Pathetic. He couldn’t leave him.   
    Or rather, he didn’t know what would happen if he did. Not having control over his own future... that was unacceptable. Even if he had to drag the boy to the bowels of hell with him, he would still have that iron clad grip on him and that was all that mattered. He stood up to leave.  
    “Don’t leave...” Duo’s voice was tiny and weak, like a little kid crying out in a nightmare and the next word he uttered was no more than the breath of a whisper, but Wes heard it clearly, “...Daddy...”  
    Instantly, Wes thought the brunette was dreaming of some past memory, but when he glanced down at him, Duo was looking straight at him. His eyes were barely open and were glazed with delirium, but he wasn’t dreaming or hallucinating. Just as quickly as Duo had let that word slip out, he was closing his eyes and fall asleep, as though he hadn’t just had a near panic attack at Wes leaving him. The tall blonde watched him, like a fox would watch an injured bird. There was that warmth again, that weird tingling in his heart. He hated that feeling, this hesitance and uncertainty. He wanted to hurt the boy, to grind him into nothing.   
    ‘Daddy,’ huh? He was nobody’s fucking father. He wasn’t exactly daddy material. He had no urges to find a bitch and start a family of his own and had never given having a child more than a second’s thought. Whenever he saw a child crying, his only ’instinct’ was to slap it so it would stop making that infuriating noise. As far as he was concerned, being a parent was useless, just an excuse to fuck and boost your ego by saying, look, that’s a piece of me! Fuck... Duo had been as close to a son as he would ever get and he was more than enough, he couldn't even deny that it felt kind of... kind of warm and nice, hearing the kid call him that. No, he was _too_ much. It wasn’t in his nature to take care of other people, but he had raised the boy without even realizing it. Originally, he had planned to keep the kid at the apartment until he had trained him up enough to be a high sell, get him addicted to drugs and beat him down until he would be loyal to only him and understand his place as a piece of property, then he would ship him off to one of his brothels, moving onto his next acquisition.  
    But then a year had passed, and another, and another. He had gotten the little rat trained up all right, and it hadn’t been easy. Duo had been stubborn and intelligent, always resisting him even though he had been too scared to run away after that first time. He learned quickly, but somehow never completely broke. He had never been a hundred percent loyal to him, either, always wandering off to who knew where when Wes slackened his leash. And then there had been the school thing. He never should have let it get to that point, should have shipped him out after that first year. But Christ, he was a grade A piece of ass.  
    The boy had been profitable, that was for sure. To any of the men Wes had pimped him to that hadn't had a problem with screwing a boy, he had made him a lot of repeat buyers. He wasn't a broken down shell like his other whores, too strung out or lost in their own little worlds to know what was happening to them anymore. He always had that spark in his eyes, even when he was in a bad way, this kind of intelligence, rare not just in street kids, either. And he was pretty, especially after Wes had gotten him cleaned up. When he had seen the kind of potential Duo had, he had been hesitant to send him away, not only scared that he might get stolen by a rival or a john that wanted him for longer than a couple of nights, but because he had enjoyed fucking him, too. It wasn't like his other whores had been undesirable to him, but he had gotten easily bored with them after the first couple of times.  
    Duo had never bored him. After eight years, that was something... unique. And when he had asked himself why he was treating the brat special, he had simply concluded it wasn't really inconveniencing him any. Sure, he had to make sure he kept him alive and more or less healthy, but he made him pay for his showers, at least one meal a day, medicine, and clothes with his body. If he wasn't behaving, or he just didn't want to, then Wes had refused him those things and Duo had taken it. What else could he do? And anything Wes paid for, well, it was a tiny amount compared to the money he had. In return, he had a live-in whore that he could do whatever he wanted to.  
    So, he had kept the kid, nothing special about that, it had just suited his needs like everything else. Then one day, out of the fucking blue, he had begged, actually _begged_ that Wes let him go to school like all the other kids. All the other kids, ha! He had nearly laughed then, thinking it was nothing more than a joke. But it hadn't been. The little shit had actually thought that he was like those other kids, that he deserved the same things as they did. A home, an education, three hearty meals a day, and parents that loved him and would take care of everything if things got bad. He had momentarily forgotten the truth, he was a whore, nothing more than a piece of property he sold to men to sate their carnal urges. A thing he had every right to do whatever he liked to. And he thought he deserved the same things as anyone else?   
    If he hadn't found the kid, a ghostly, thin waif, barely surviving on the streets, he would have been taken by some other pimp, or dead. The idea of one of his hookers going to school, trying to get an education with the rest of the brats, even the ones from the upper class areas of town, wasn't just damned funny, but dangerous, too. All it would take was one noisy teacher or classmate to ask the right question, then Wes would have to go out of his way to fix things. It was liable to be a giant pain in his ass, and what the hell was a prostitute going to do with a high school education anyway?   
    Anything that that damned school could teach him that he would need on the job, Wes had already taught him. Like how to count money or talk like he _hadn't_ crawled out of the gutter. He wasn't going to get another job, Wes wouldn't let him do anything that would eat into his time even if it would get him some extra cash. Wes didn't need some pocket change from a nine dollar an hour job and there was no way in hell he would have given him that kind of freedom. And even Duo wasn't dumb enough to think that college was in his future.   
    But he had let him go anyway. He shouldn't have, in hindsight. He had been lucky that that pathetic, blonde bitch had been the only one trying to track him down. He should have pulled him out years back, but it had just given him one more thing to control Duo with, one more thing to punish him with or threaten him with if he stepped out of line, if he dared to think for a single second that going to school made him special, gave him ideas that someone in his situation didn't have the right to think. It had been useful, but if he had never let him go, he never would have met the Yuy brat. He never would have thought that trying to run away from him might be a good idea, that he didn't need to rely on him because he had something to run away to.   
      
 _"Daddy."_  
  
    He wouldn't be making that mistake ever again. He wasn't going to give him a place to hide from him ever again.   
  
End part 11  
  
  
  
(1) No, this isn't a real drug. I've gotten some messages from being confused by this, which I sort of understand because all of the hints have been vague, but this story takes place in the future. By this time, an antibiotic has been created which is stronger and faster than the ones we have now. I just pulled the name of it out of my ass. 


	58. The Second Son Part 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sick and breaking, Duo is bombarded by memories and dreams of the damage that Wes has done to him through the years.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 12  
  
  
    In his more conscious thoughts when he woke up every morning, Duo realized that ever since Wes had kept him chained to his bed in that windowless bedroom, that was all he ever dreamed about, all that his nightmares contained. The never ending, soulless darkness that, never the less, seemed alive and intelligent, the feeling of hands, hurting and dirtying, on him, and the sensation that, no matter how hard he tried to fight, he couldn't move. With the exception of that time when he had dreamed of Shi urging him to fight back, to try and move instead of just assuming that he couldn't, he had always awoken after dreaming of suffocating, or bleeding to death, or sometimes, on a particularly bad night, both.  
    Before, he had dreamed of being chained down, unable to escape with the idea that very near to him, was a beautiful light he could never reach. But now, since Wes had kidnapped him, he dreamed something different. The darkness was still there, shadows invading his lungs and making it hard to breathe, and he still couldn't move because something was weighing him down. But now there was this feeling of being trapped in a very small space. _Claustrophobia_. And he understood somehow that even if he moved, he would not be able to leave the space, so it was pointless to even try. He laid in there and stared into eternal darkness, wanting to scream for Heero. Heero would protect him from the darkness, just as he always had. Even in his dreams, Duo understood this concrete fact. If he could only find Heero, then this nightmare would end. In the face of his brilliant light and strong embrace, the darkness would recede in fear, no more than the shadows cast from a candle's flame.  
    But he didn't dare call out for him, even in his deepest yearnings to see him. If he did, if he screamed in fear like that, it would only draw _his_ attention. The Boogieman. He would come for him again, and in this darkness, there was nowhere he could hide. The Boogieman lived in the darkness. He always had. And he would find him here, where Duo was blind. He could smell his blood and fear, and hear his terrified heartbeat. As he stared into the dark, for the very first time, he saw something _shift_ in the shadows. It moved in the darkness near him, but farther than he could ever reach, far past the barriers of his enclosed space. A thing that was impossible. As it got closer, Duo realized that it was a person.  
    At first, he thought that it might be the Boogieman, coming back to hurt him again, but he didn't feel the same strange mix of fear, relief, and revulsion that he usually did. The figure finally stepped out of the darkness and he saw that it wasn't the Boogieman, or the horde of nameless, faceless shadows that belonged to the painful hands that often visited him here. It was Yuki, his friend. He felt an indescribable joy at seeing his beautiful, white-pale face and wanted to throw his arms around him, cling to him, but at the same time as that joy, he felt an equally powerful sadness. His heart hurt so badly, he would have curled up into a pained ball if he could only move.   
    Why? Why was he so sad just to see one of the only friends he had ever had? And then he remembered. Yuki was dead. As though summoned by that terrible memory, he saw Yuki clearly in the darkness. His long, black hair fell limp and without any sheen over his shoulders, and his skin was paler than it had ever been before. He was wearing one of his kimonos, an elegant, soft gray one, but the color was hardly noticeable. The cloth was splashed with blood so dark, it was almost black. The same blood that marred his neck, which was slashed wide open. As the specter approached, he lifted his head showing Duo eyes that were completely black, as though they were filled with the same darkness that surrounded them.  
    "Yuki..." Duo rasped, suddenly finding it hard to speak, as though something was burrowing into his throat, trying to choke him.  
    "Why..." Yuki spoke and his voice sounded strange, as though his mouth were full of liquid, "... why should you be allowed to live when I am dead?"  
    Agony ripped through Duo's heart, filling it with guilt at those cruel words, delivered in a cold, cynical voice that was so far removed from the quiet, but kind boy he had known.  
    "I'm sorry," he cried helplessly, "Yuki, I'm so sorry..."  
    "You're sorry? What makes you so special?" the Japanese boy accused, "You're sorry, and yet, you're still alive. I died because of _pettiness_ , while you get to go on. And why? What makes you better than me, when you are just throwing that life away?"  
    Blood, thick and red-black, streamed down Yuki's feet, forming a puddle on the invisible ground. It grew and grew until it touched Duo's bare skin. It burned like molten lava, right down to his bones, but for some reason, he couldn't scream at the pain.  
    "You're so incapable of choosing between Wes and Name. If it were me," his voice turned as bitter as the medicine Wes had made him take, "If I were the one still alive, I wouldn't have had any trouble making that decision at all," his inky eyes narrowed, "You're pathetic."  
    "I can't..." he could feel hot tears running down his cheeks, startling real for a dream, "I can't chose... it's too hard... thinking about not seeing one of them again... it _hurts_."  
    "And what's so hard about it?" Yuki asked.  
   _"You know..."_ that hateful voice sounded, drowning out the rest of what Yuki had to say like a swarm of angry hornets and Duo pressed his hands to ears, frantically trying to block it out, but it was pointless. The voice was in his heart, _"You've **always** known, all this time..."_  
  
*****  
  
    Duo slept in a tangle of different nightmares, all woven together in an incoherent jumble of fear and anxiety, but as he woke up, the one with Yuki lingered more than the others, like a bad taste. His head throbbed dully as he remembered his late friends' words, and hated himself for them. It didn't matter if what he had said in the dream had been true or not. Yuki _never_ would have said those things. Yuki had been the sweetest, gentlest person he had ever known. His death hadn't just been a tragedy, but an abomination, and it filled him with equal amount of disgust as it did sorrow. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't feel some measure of sadness and regret about it. And he had turned him into a grotesque monster to suit his own feelings of guilt.   
    Duo rubbed tiredly at his eyes. He hated that he couldn't even tell how long he had slept for. Some part of him felt like it had been for a long time, but he still felt exhausted, as though he hadn't slept at all, or maybe that was just because of the constant stream of nightmares and his level of stress. But, despite his small headache and tiredness, he felt... better. Well, not so much _better_. He still felt like he had been hit by a truck, his throat was still sore along with his muscles, but he could think a lot more clearly. The cotton in his head had dissipated and so had a great deal of the heat. The antibiotics must have worked a bit on his fever and delirium, which meant it was a new day.  
    That didn't help to give him any perspective, though. He didn't know what day it had been yesterday and it could still be any time at all right now. It made him feel so disoriented, but not having that heavy fog around his mind was an utter relief. His mouth was dry and he hoped that the next time Wes opened the door, he would have the orange juice with him, but it wasn't as terrible as it had been before. Duo frowned, thinking about what little he could remember of before he had fallen asleep.  
    He just didn't understand Wes anymore. Ok, fine, so he had decided not to kill him or punish him for running away. That was hard enough to link to the monstrous man he had always known, but this was something else. Wes was... gentler when they had sex now, not so unconcerned if he bled or otherwise seriously hurt him. But every now and then, he would do something, push in or grab him too hard, and he could feel Wes' usual violence simmering under the surface of his every movement. It wasn't gone, like he had wanted to believe, just... contained. It was a constant threat, something to throw Duo off balance even more. Every time Wes fucked him now, he lived in fear, waiting for him to hurt him and every time he didn't, it twisted his stomach and nerves into knots. He felt like he was getting an ulcer, waiting in dread for Wes to turn back into his old self, to grow tired of being nice and just _snap_. It would be nice, only to just stop being so confused and put off balance, but he didn't think he had the strength of body or mind left to withstand the blonde's typical abuse.  
    But now and then, Wes did things like he had done yesterday that didn't just confuse him, but disturb him. Like going out and buying orange juice, a clichéd drink for when you were sick, and stealing those pills... Wes never did anything unless it benefited him in some way, but what was the point of this? Was he trying to win him over? he had told him that he didn't need drugs to make him see his way. Was this part of that plan? It just wasn't Wes' style, something subtle like that. As much as he had changed, he was still the kind of man that was all or nothing. He would rather make some single, grand gesture than coddle him like this.  
    So why? He couldn't take the idea that Wes might have just done it, not to be manipulative, which was entirely possible if Wes was in the mood to play games, because he cared about him. Yuki's words rang in his head, asking him why he deserved to live when he couldn't even make this essential decision. Wes or Name... who did he want to be with more?  
    Even though it had just been a twisted dream, he had meant what he had said to Yuki. The choice should be obvious. Any intelligent, healthy, well-adjusted person would chose Name. She was kind, loving, and no matter what he did, she was prepared to take care of him for the rest of his life if he needed her to. But he _wasn't_ well-adjusted by any standards. He vividly remembered those first couple of days he had lived in the Yuy household, how displaced and lonely he had felt being in a place like that, surrounded by people who cared about him. He had waited, desperately, for them to tell him what they wanted from him, what they needed him to do, to justify him being there, like he had been nothing more than a live-in servant. Or more aptly, a dog waiting for a command. He hadn't been able to comprehend something like _family_ , having people to rely on and who simply wanted to take care of him and shelter him because they loved him, not because he was a commodity. Those were alien concepts to him and had made him feel like a fish out of water. And on top of all that, he ha felt this indescribably powerful guilt that he was missing Wes.   
    From the moment he had told Name, Heero, and the others the truth about his life with Wes lying in the hospital bed that Wes' actions had put him in, everyone had been telling him that he should hate the man. For the very first time in the eight years he had spent as Wes’ pet dog, people, _regular_ people, not other whores who had dealt with men like Wes before, were telling him that what had happened to him was wrong, it was horrible. His lonely existence, which he had seen as normal, wasn’t right. He should want to rip Wes right out of his life, like a blood sucking tick, and stomp him into nothing more than a forgettable smear. He had assumed, listening to their disgust of the man that they all expected him to just... move on and forget that anything bad had ever happened to him and forge this new, normal life. And when he had been unable to do that, he had felt so ashamed, like he was spurning all of Name’s gifts to him by being incapable of living up to her expectations.  
    In those moments, laying late at night in a new bed that didn’t smell like sex and seat, made up of a full, soft mattress instead of an old, hard twin one, he had felt Wes’ absence acutely. It had left a large hole in him, leaving him fumbling for something familiar and failing. Everything in that house had been different than what he had been used to and, if he hadn’t been so fatigued from his injuries, he would have had a lot of sleepless nights that first week. It wasn’t just that things were nicer, the house was bigger, or that there was no one there to yell at him. The _smells_ had been different, the air cleaner, removed from Wes’ smoking. Waking up to differently colored ceilings had disoriented him and he had found himself, in odd moments, yearning for the apartment, for the smell of Chinese food that, during the summer, had been so thick it had reminded him of the rotting dumpster food that his diet as a child had mostly consisted of. He had missed how the pipes would shriek every time you turned on the water for a shower. He had even missed the sound of Wes’ snoring.   
    Those lonely feelings felt like an intruder, wedging themselves in between moments of name’s warmth and Heero’s patient friendship. He had hated himself for them and had assumed that there was something very, clinically, wrong with him. He should feel nothing but relief and happiness, he had berated himself. Name had saved him from absolute hell, had given him a home and a chance at a healthy, full life. She had bought him all of those things for his room, had agonized over how to decorate it so he would be happy and feel at home there, and he had been incapable of letting go of his past to pay her back, to show her that all of her hard work was going to be paid off. His inability to be normal like Heero, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei had made him feel like a shithead, this broken loser that was nothing more than a walking husk that had nothing of value to offer, and he had assumed that, if his new found family ever found out about his feelings converning his rapist, they would only ever be disappointed in him. And that was the worst thing, his greatest fear. Not their anger, their being disappointed in him.  
    And, as usual, all of his pessimisitc thoughts abou tthem had been wrong. That night when Name had caught him wide awake and he had been so tired that he had finally confessed to missing Wes, she had been so understanding, so patient and kind, just like she had always been to him, even back when she had been hesitant to trust him. Even then, she had listened to him and treated him, not like how most adults treated kids and teenagers, but with the utmost respect. He had never had that in his life before, someone who respected him, like he was someone worthwhile and special, and giving Name’s wealth and power, adn how other powerful people treated her, it scared him sometimes. But then she would smile at him, or hug him, or bake him something for no other reason than she liked seeing him happy and that fear would turn into a love for her so intense, it made him cry if he didn’t keep a very firm control over it, a love that, like her respect, was quite frightening and wonderful to him at the same time.  
    He had underestimated his friends, too. Maybe Name was more mature, easier to forgive him and try to understand his feelings, even though he knew that most adults were no more mature or less arrogant than the average young teenager, but his friends, especially Wufei, were too far removed from his problems to acknoledge them, too used to the shades of white and black and being told what they should think and feel to get why he was having such a hard time letting go of Wes, he had thought. He was still a bit ashamed ofthe hypocrisy of those thoughts.  
    Maybe Heero, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei didn't have his experiences, but they weren't normal and they each had their own share of heartache. Heero had to deal with a lot shit because of his wealth, bad reputation after his reaction to his father's death, and possessive ex-fiance. Quatre came from a rich, upstanding family, too, and if you watched him, you assumed he had a wonderful, normal, and well-adjusted life bordering on perfect. He was so friendly and nice, bubbly and hyper at times and so full of light that Duo had trouble dealing with him sometimes. But he knew now that underneath that shimmering sun was a pool of shadows. The media portrayed the Winners as the perfect family; a horde of smart, beautiful daughters, a son with a wealth of potential to take over his father's position, and a strong completent father who gallantly raised his cildren by himself after his wife's tragic death. A loving, solid family that, unlike the Yuys, had no troubles, no black spots to be gossiped about.   
    Quatre's father was a master at keeping his personal problems away from the spotlight, Duo had to give him that, but it was all a lie. The man treated Quatre like a bad smell because of his mother's death and now that he knew about him being gay, he dind't want to even see or talk to his only son. His traditional values were apparently more important to him than his family and Quatre felt isolated and rejected by his own flesh and blood because of that. duo had been surprised to hear from the blonde that he completely understood his dual feelings for Wes because he felt them, too, for his own father.   
    Wufei came from a wealthy family also, although not on the same level as Heero or Quatre, but because of his sexuality, he had been forced to leave the boy he loved, revoke his social status within his clan, and move to completely different country where his way of looking at the world had been drastically altered. Of all of them, Trowa was the closest to understanding him, the closest to his own past. Like himself, Trowa didn't remember anything about his parents beyond second hand accounts and pictures. His older sister had been his entire world growing up, so it must have been terrible having the government arrogantly state that after all those years, his sister was suddenly unfit to raise him because she wasn't married and worked in a circus. Even more terrible, the relative they had placed him with had ended up being a pedophile. Thankfully, unlike Duo, he had been saved before the violence and abuse had consumed his entire life, but not before some serious damage had beeen done. Trowa had never been especially close to his uncle, but he had _wanted_ to be. Because, Trowa had told him, his family was so small and his uncle was one of the only people who had known his parents well, he had desperately wanted to love and be loved by him, so his actions had been very traumatic to him as a child.  
    Somehow, they all understood how he was incapable of feeling only hate for Wes, that his relationship with the man was just too complicated for that. But that hadn't stopped him from feeling guilty about it, about his complete inability to make the obvious choice, the choice he knew that he _wanted_ to make. Duo heard footsteps out in the hall and sat up quickly. His head immediately swam in confusion and he realized for the first time just how long he had been stuck in here, either laying down or sitting or kneeling. He couldn't remember the last time he had stood upright under his own power. That was bad. If he got the chance to make a quick getaway, his legs might be too weak or just the act of standing might make him too dizzy to run. He needed to start stretching, if only to keep up his strength, even though there wasn't a whole lot of room in here to do it.  
    Again, Duo found himself incredibly relieved that he had the clarity of mind again to have these thoughts and hoped that the antibiotics would keep the fever at bay long enough for him to figure a way out of here. The footsteps stopped in front of the closet door and, as the knob turned and the door opened, the strong, heavy scent of hot food hit him like a fast moving truck. His stomach clenched and growled angrily at him, feeling hunger for the first time in what felt like days, having been too sick until now to care about food. It _had_ to be morning, Duo realized as Wes walked into the closet with a tray holding a bowl of what looked like cream of wheat, a bowl of blueberries, and the remainder of the orange juice. Next to the juice was another large, white pill. The blonde man put the tray on the ground and placed a hand on Duo's forehead. He grunted in approval at the reduced heat.  
    "You're taking the medicine before you eat a single thing," Wes demanded, "I don't want to hear any complaining."  
    Duo wisely kept his mouth shut, even though he desperately wanted to devour the sweet smelling cream of wheat. He obediently let WEs put the terribly bitter pill in his mouth and swallowed a small bit of the orange juice he was offered. Once the tall man was sure he had swallowed it, he sat in front of him and proceeded to feed him the cream of wheat and blueberries. Wes did that for every meal he brought him, too stubborn to take off Duo's cuffs. Now that he was feeling less dizzy and shaky, the brunette was sure that he could feed himself. His wrists were restrained, but not his elbows. He would have to do it slowly to keep from making a mess, but he could probably pick up the spoon and, with some crafty finger desterity, get the cream of wheat to his mouth on his own. But he thougt that Wes liked feeding him. he had no idea why when he would have been pissed at having to do something like this for Duo in teh past, but he wouldn't care for him like this if didn't enjoy something about it.  
    The cream of wheat was instant, the kind you could buy from the grocery store that you just had to add water or milk to, then microwave for one to two minutes, Duo realized in disappointment. It was too overly sweet and watery to be anything else but instant. He immediately berated himself for that disappointment. He had been eating this kind of oatmeal ever since he had tasted some as a child at the grocery store out of one of those stupid, tiny cups they gave out as free samples to taste. He had loved the creamy, hot taste of it, especially since it had been so damned cold out at the time, and had been further shocked to learn that it was only a couple of bucks for a box of twelve packets of the generic, original flavor. He usually used two packets at a time, so it was just two bucks for six whole meals!   
    That had been crazy to him and it had ended up being one of the few things Wes would buy him during the winter months, since Duo could make it on his own and he was so grateful about it those two bucks, Wes could weasel quite a few things out of him with a promise for a box. He fondly remembered when he had first moved into the Yuy's house and Name had asked him what foods he liked before she went grocery shopping. He had just stared up at her, unable to process such a question. What difference did it make what foods he liked? He hadn't realized that she had been asking what foods he _wanted_ her to buy for him. His old self, so hurt and tired and lost, had been incapable of understanding such a request, just assuming that she would continue to buy whatever she and Heero liked to eat and he would eat the same thing and learn to like it. Just like it had always been with him. There were so few foods that he wouldn't eat, easily remembering what it was like to nearly starve to death and he was just too tired to care at that point.  
    Still, the obedience that Wes had beaten into him had had him answering her question without realizing that, whatever he said he liked, she was going to end up buying. He had told her that he wasn't that picky, that food was just food, and it had taken her several minutes to get his favorites out of him. He had told her about the cream of wheat, and apples, and that he really liked yoghurt and milk, but everything else was the same to him. Name had looked sad at that and he knew now that she had realized that the problem wasn't that everything was the same, but that he had tried so little different foods, and what he had tried was always stuff out of the bargain aisle or bland and generic, that he didn't really have an opinion.   
    Thus, her long experiment at buying different, but healthy, things for him to try had begun. Just in that first week, he had gotten addicted to things like fresh fruits and vegetables, chocolate milk, and fish, especially salmon, something that he couldn't have tried in his wildest dreams before then. Hell, decent salmon went for twenty bucks a pound and Name hadn't settled for just decent. It made him cringe to think of how much she spent on the fish she brought home for him, but he knew that if he begged her to stop she would just tell him that the cost of the fish was nothing to her compared to how much Duo liked eating it, and it was really good for him, since he had to make up for an entire lifetime of terrible nutrition.   
    And then there had been the cream of wheat. One day, before Duo had gone back to school, it had been terribly cold out and Name had stayed home to make him breakfast. When she had brought up a bowl of the stuff to him after he had been napping, he had thought he had died and gone to heaven. This cream of wheat had been perfect; thick instead of runny, rich instead of bland, and she had even mixed cinnamon and blueberries into it. Duo had never put any in his. He hadn't been aware that you did that to cream of wheat and even if he had, he had never had fruit or cinnamon to put into it and he seriously doubted Wes would have let him get any. Fruit was horribly expensive now a days, especially blueberries and raspberries.   
    She had made it for him by scratch, not from a box or pouch. Name could have easily bought a better quality of instant cream of wheat, but she had said that she didn't like all the additives that were in them when the homemade was so much better. He hadn't had the instant stuff for many months now and he discovered that he wasn't just disappointed by it, but he actually didn't like it at all anymore. It was... an odd revelation. He had _never_ been picky about food. He had always just eaten what was in front of him, no matter what it was because he had believed that food was food. He didn't like the feeling, it was too far removed from who he had always been. What right did he have to say that he didn't like a food that was being offered to him freely? Wasn't it better than having nothing?   
    He had never had this concept of 'quality', that he needed to have something that was better than something else. Cheaper had been better, only because he had had little money. But after living with Name and Heero for so many months, he realized how much he loved to eat expensive food. Not because he held any illusions that, because they had cost more, they were therefore better like some people thought, but because that kind of food was fresher or tasted better than the food he had been forced to eat. It made him realize what he had been missing all of these years, just how terrible the food he had been eating really was. The thought that this new life of his had changed him that much, might even had made him spoiled was painful, but so was the knowledge that he should have had better, that he had done more damage to his body than he had ever realized thanks to his crappy diet. It upset him, knowing that people who could afford better food also got better nutritional value. More than that... he realized that he didn't care if he was spoiled. He _liked_ Name's cream of wheat. He loved everything that she did for him that was so much better than what he had been given in his old life and he didn't want to go back to that.   
    But he ate the cream of wheat, just grateful that Wes was feeding him anything, let alone one of his comfort foods, yet another concept he hadn't been aware of before Name had taken him under her wing. It soothed his sore throat, regardless of what it tasted like or how runny it was. But at the same time as he understood that, he felt an intense yearning for his home. It was the beginning of Summer, but he had a craving for Name's cream of wheat. He wanted out of this closet, he wanted his own goddamn bed and to see Quatre and Trowa and Wufei! He wanted his cats. He wanted to know how Heero and Name's trip had gone. No matter what he felt for Wes, he didn't want to be _here_ anymore. He wanted to leave it all behind him.   
    These smells, the color of the ceiling and walls, the flickering light of the refrigerator, these feelings and memories that made him literally sick to his stomach if he dwelled on them for too long, like a tidal wave of ichors in his gut, heart, and head. He wanted to purge himself of them, like how you felt horrible when you had the flu and had to throw up, but as soon as you did, it was a huge relief. Or lancing a badly infected wound. He didn't want to have to get used to this again or settle for things when he had just started to discover something better. Something cleaner. All of his wants were tangled up in his head and it was impossible to sort through them. To stay or to go... this place held so much of him. Could he really let it go any easier than let Wes go? Let Name go? He had always called the Yuy's house his home because there was so much pain and revulsion here, but that didn't mean that this place wasn't a part of him, too. A part of him that he hated, that he wanted to cut off of himself. But even if he did that, would he just long for it again, like he had when he had first moved in to that pretty white house, or was he past all that and he was just being overly sentimental, over thinking everything out of fear?   
    He watched Wes put the bowl back on the tray with intense focus. After eight long years, the man hadn't changed at all from the moment they had met. His current actions confused him, but even in the simple task of cleaning up and putting utensils and glasses back onto the tray, his eyes were cold and hard. Duo didn't think that the man was capable of warm looks. He might smile or say things like 'I love you', but those eyes never changed. When he had been younger, he had thought that they were like a shark's eyes. Cold and dead, devoid of anything that was human, no more than a doll's eyes.   
    But that wasn't true. When Wes looked at things, when he looked at _him_ , it wasn't with some dead, stupid stare. His gaze was sharp instead of dull, he analyzed things in a cold, detached way, calculating and planning out his every move based on what he observed. That was one of the reasons why Wes looking at him, watching him all of the time, had always disturbed him growing up. It hadn't just been that it was such an invasion of privacy, but also that every time Wes looked at him, he felt like he was analyzing him, sizing him up and judging him, deciding what to do with him. To play with him or kill him.   
    He had felt that way when he had been very young, that the blonde, with every sharp look, was making the choice to keep him alive or slit his throat because he had outlived his usefulness. It had put him on edge for years, had given him more than just a couple sleepless nights, every time he heard those footsteps outside his room, his heart hammering in his chest so hard that, as soon as the footsteps were far enough away, he had jumped out of bed, rushed to the bathroom, and vomited. Over time, he had gotten thicker skin about it, but deep down inside, it had still made him squirm. For the first time in years, as Wes looked at him now, he felt as he had when he had been seven years old.   
    "You need a bath," Wes grumbled as he took in his previous charge's rumpled clothes, the dried blood on his arms, and how his bangs were plastered to his forehead with sweat, "as soon as you stop being foolish, I'll give you a warm one and wash your hair for you."   
    Duo flushed in embarrassment as he realized that he probably stunk by now, especially from all of the sweating due to his high fever. He still had that strange smell people got when they were sick and the thought of being allowed to take a bath or shower was heavenly to him. His heart warmed at Wes' words about washing his hair. The older man knew how much he liked that, how it often comforted him when he was depressed, hurt, or sick and he felt gratefulness start to well up inside of him, the same terrible gratefulness that he had felt when Wes had freed him from his bed. He loathed himself for feeling that. But feeling Wes' large hands on his skin, washing away the dirt and blood and bad things-  
  
   _"Duo?"_  
 _Duo looked up in absolute terror from his crouch in the shower. Searing hot water fell down on his naked body, turning his pale skin red, but he shivered, feeling only fear, revulsion, and cold. He expected to see Wes standing there, looking down at him like some kind of God, his grey eyes as cold and piercing as shards of sharpened stone. Instead, it was Heero, looking scared and startled, and perhaps a bit embarrassed, too, but his blue eyes were still warm and safe._  
 _"Heero?" he asked in a tiny, child-like voice, the same voice he had had at age seven, so cautious and resigned. For a moment, though the confusion and flashbacks, he had a moment of pure clarity. Heero was here to help him._  
 _Heero nodded and kneeled down so they were at equal eye lovels. Duo felt a wave of relief and love so strong, he became dizzy from it. Heero wasn't Wes. He was **nothing** like Wes. And he would never hurt him like he had, on his body or in his heart. Suddenly, he felt completely safe._  
 _"Yeah, Duo, it's me," Heero said softly, his voice cracking a little at the other boy's name._  
 _Duo saw a hungry need in those eyes for something, but couldn't figure out what it was and was too far gone in his memories to ask. Heero reached out to touch him and the American pressed himself against the far wall of the tub, scared by the suddenness of the moment. In his mind, he saw Wes reaching for him as he tried to hide under his bed away from him. Wes caught the sleeve of his shirt and pulled him forward. Duo's sleeve ripped and he started to crawl back into his hidey hole, but Wes had pulled him out enough to grab his hair and used it as leverage, his mature face contorted into a furious snarl._  
 _He thought that Heero would continue to grab at him and started to panic, but he was shocked as Heero let his hand drop and he backed up a little. Duo suddenly realized that he hadn't shied away because he was scared that Heero was going to hurt him. It was the other way around._  
 _"Don't touch," he murmured, his heart racing in fear, "you'll get dirty, too."_  
 _His blood was everywhere, on every inch of his skin. He was covered in a thick layer of filth, of cum and dirt. No... **he** was filth. A useless, dirty thing. He had been useless and dirty before, living on the streets, surviving like a rat, but Wes had truly made him filthy with his heavy hands, thick cock, and sickening lust. He had turned him into a living, breathing piece of trash. He couldn't let Heero touch that. His kind, beautiful Heero... he couldn't let him become tainted by that perversion and violence, couldn't let him know how it felt, to be dirty no matter how hard or_ _frequently you wahsed yourself. An uncleanliness that was in his heart... He shook with the thought of making Heero that dirty, terrified of hurting him like that._  
 _Then, Heero smiled at him. It was so bright and calming, the way Shi would smile at him when he knew he was feeling depressed. There was kindness in that smile, this alien, healing sensation that he just wanted to curl up with._  
 _"That's ok," Heero said so effortlessly that Duo had a hard time comprehending how he could be that patient and understanding, "I don't mind getting dirty."_  
 _Duo stared at him in shock as tears gathered in his bets friend's eyes. How could he say that? how could he not mind what a tainted person he was, and not be afraid of his dirtiness infecting him? He felt something in his chest, brilliant and warm, nearly spill over. It **hurt**. That nice feeling. In his cold, shriveled heart, such a feeling was pure agony. Heero reached out again, lightly touching Duo's hand, and this time he didn't flinch or draw away. He gently pried the soap out of his friend's hand and placed it on the edge of the tub. Duo shook his head frantically in denial, horrified at the thought of **his** blood on Heero's tan, clean hands. Warm fingers, a light touch, that started to ease away his chill better than the hot water ever could._  
 _"There's too much blood," he moaned, beginning to feel hysteric and close to screaming, seeing the blood, as dark and real as the water pelting his bare skin, but this time Heero didn't back away, he continued to touch his hand and the buzzing in his head screaming at him that he couldn't let Heero touch his filthy blood, that there were rivers of it and it was going to drown him, started to fade._  
 _Duo tightened his arms around his knees, feeling a chill rush through him. The blood... it was there because... because Wes had-_  
 _"I can't clean it no matter how hard I try," he rasped, his voice rising as his heart raced, fingernails digging into his skin harshly, "I can't get clean."_  
 _In that moment, he was sure that he was going crazy. His skin itched, feeling the blood on it, staining him, and incredible pain raced up his spine from where Wes had hurt him with his cock, even though some part of him that was just beginning to resurface knew that it couldn't possibly be there, which made the feeling all the more powerful and real and disturbing somehow. He looked down between his legs and saw the thick, crimson wetness there, still on his thighs even though he had been sitting under the hot spray for so long. It raced down the drain like red ribbons. He wanted it to stop... he wanted it to go away! All of it, the dirt and the pain and the blood and this itchy feeling, like his skin was crawling, trying to get off of his body in repulsion. Or like his body was trying to_ _reject it like a dangerous virus, the same skin that **that** man had touched, had caressed like those ugly, fat, cruel men would caress the arms or backs of the women they took from the street corners before they shoved them into their cars or dragged them off to some dark alley or cheap motel. _  
_"He touched me..." Duo murmured and did not realize he was saying anything out loud at all, so far gone in that memory of that day, a day eight years gone, but felt like it had happened just hours ago, "... for hours... all I over... I can't get the stench off."_  
 _He wished Heero hadn't taken the soap from him. He needed to scrub his skin off. That was the only way he could get the blood off of him. He had tried before, but he had only made his skin red and sore. He needed to scrub harder, that was all, but Heero had taken the soap away from him. He looked back up into Heero's blue eyes and felt that dizziness again. For some reason, when he looked at his best friend, those crazy feelings felt distant, unimportant somehow._  
 _"Where is the blood?" he asked, his tone holding some sort of intent and purpose while still remaining soft and attentive. The sound of his voice helped to ground Duo in the present. No one in his past had ever talked to him that kindly._  
 _Duo glanced down briefly at his thighs again, unable to stop it like a nervous gesture, but looked up at Heero again, needing to keep him in his sights like he needed to breathe._  
 _"Everywhere," he whispered, "It's always everywhere."_  
 _**Always**. Because some part of him, outside of the traumatized child, knew he had been here a thousand times before now. He had relived this moment of his past in his darkest nightmares. His violet eyes followed Heero's every move as he gathered a washcloth and towel, putting the towel on the counter, and approached the tub again._  
 _"I'm going to help you wash it off, okay?" Heero asked him._  
   _Duo suddenly realized that, unlike Wes, Chris, and every john he had ever had, every adult he had ever had contact with, the Japanese boy wasn't telling him what he was going to do. He was asking for his **permission** to do it. He wanted to know if it was ok for him to touch his body instead of just doing whatever he wanted and expecting him to deal with it. No one... no one had given enough of a shit about him to... to **respect** him enough to ask if something was alright with him, to give him the trust to **stop** if he told them to._  
 _The damaged child that had risen in him, given a voice and presence for the very first time since he had been seven years old, since Wes had violated him and stolen his virginity from him and he had pushed what little childishness and innocence he had left in order to grow up so he could survive his sudden, violent immersion into that adult world, warred briefly with his older, saner self. The teenager, overwhelmed with this shocking power to say 'no' and the respect Heero had for an ex-whore like him, wanted to venture past one of the last barriers he had between child and adult, to let his adult love for Heero spill over and press his lips against his. The child wanted to bury himself in his arms, the very safest place in the world, both against the outside forces of the cold, unsympathetic world, and his inner demons, like a kid would a parent. After all this time, after all those years Duo had ignored that child and denied all of its impulses, it would no longer be pushed aside. The child easily won the inner struggle with startling strength._  
 _"Please... help me..." the child begged in a barely audible but powerful voice in its affectiveness, speaking the words that he had wanted to say all these long, eight years, but had refused, burying the desire deep down, in the shifting darkness that made up most of his heart._  
 _His teenaged self watched in alarm as Heero's beautiful blue eyes filled with tears and one escaped down his left cheek, but the child was oblivious, only wanting to be sheltered. Heero moved with surety, but also slowness, still being sure not to spook him. Without removing even a sock, he climbed over the edge of the tub and knelt next to him, his clothing quickly becoming soaked. He picked up the soap and turned the water temperature down from scalding to warm, but Duo didn't even feel the difference. His body was numb, the warmth of the water giving him no comfort, and yet Heero's body heat soothed the chill better than a roaring fire and a soft blanket._  
 _Duo trembled and wrapped his arms around Heero's soaked chest and buried his face in his sweater, sobbing loudly. Heero was going to make everything all better, he knew he would. He always did. Heero would protect him the way that no one in his entire life had been able to protect him. That was why he had run back here. He had known that, no matter what bad things happened to him, Heero would make them go away._  
 _"Don't let the bad man get me," he pleaded in a childlike voice with a desperation that shocked even himself, "I'll be good! I'll do **anything** you want, just don't let him get me."_  
   _His heart raced intensely as Heero hugged, his strong arms wrapping around his own, bare back._  
 _"I promise, I won't hurt you and I won't let anyone else hurt you, not now, not **ever** ," he heard the other boy promise him._  
      
  
    Coming back to himself outside of the fuzzy memory was almost a shock to his body, returning to the warmth of the shower and Heero's arms around him to the cold isolation of the closet. Wes' proximity did nothing to lessen the chill he felt. Although he had been out of his mind back then, he remembered most of what had happened that night that Relena had paid those boys to attack him. He had told Heero all about the first time Wes had raped him, all the sordid little details. Being lured to this apartment with the promise of food, Wes drugging him and choking him and making him bleed... he had even told him about the mother cat that had comforted him afterwards. He never could have told him about those things if he hadn't been in such a terrified, childish state.   
    He remembered the terror he had felt when the child in him, confused about where he was, or rather, _when_ he was, had reasoned that, if Heero was with him, that meant that he had run away and put his best friend in danger. A fear had ripped through him so strong, he had felt physically ill. He had blamed himself then, in the way he had blamed himself later when Chris had kidnapped them, but Heero hadn't. Heero had told him that it wasn't his fault. He had told him that he didn't mind being in danger, if that meant keeping Duo safe. He didn't think that Heero had realized it then, but he had been crying. The water had made it impossible to tell, but his voice had hitched and his eyes had been red.   
    He remembered Heero telling him that none of it mattered, Duo's feelings of being dirty and his desire to keep Heero clean, all he cared about was Duo being happy. No one had ever said those words to him before, that all that mattered was his own happiness. The thing of it was... and how was it that he was only realizing this now... he had never been happy his entire life. When he had gotten a decent meal or Wes had shown him one of those very brief, but wonderful moments of fatherly attention that had burrowed themselves painfully into his heart, he had felt warmth, relief, and affection... but he had never been happy. There had always been this... bitterness, _hesitance_ in him that had made that emotion impossible.   
    Even when he had been with Solo, Shi, and the others, he had felt detached somehow. He loved them, he _knew_ that he loved them, but he had also felt guilty when he had been around them. He had felt like he had been using them, using their friendship to make himself feel better about his situation. Every time he had shown up at their corner, they had stopped whatever they were doing to be with him. They had fed him countless of times, used what little money they had had to bandage him up if he was hurt or get him a warm milk if it was cold out. And there had been absolutely nothing he could have given back to them.   
    Wes took care of him. He might have done a shit job of it, but he clothed him, gave him food when he did his job right, and sheltered him from the streets. His friends had only been able to rely on each other and themselves to keep going. He could have given any of them the money he had made that night. It hadn't been much, but it would have gotten all of them fed or they could have saved it up for something important. If he had done it once, Wes might have just beaten the shit out of him, sent him to the hospital or something else just as bad. A second time, he would have undoubtedly killed him. But if he had timed it right, he could have gotten them five hundred bucks, easy, maybe more. Instead, his fear of Wes had kept him from doing that.   
    They had understood, Shi had even taken him aside when he had mentioned it and scolded him, had told him to never, **_never_** put his life in risk like that. It had warmed him, that Shi had been so worried about him, but, inside, he had asked himself what was so great about his own life that he should protect it instead of trying to help the only friends he had ever had. He knew now that those feelings of guilt was a massive flaw in him, a crack in his personality created from living the way he had, both on the streets and under Wes' violent rule, this belief that, any scrap of attention, affection, and care he got, he had to repay somehow because he wasn't worthy of it otherwise.   
    He knew now that they all would have felt miserable if he had gotten hurt for their sakes. But those bad feelings had always kept him from really feeling happy during their times together. Between their struggle for survival and all the things he had to do for Wes... it had been painful, that friendship. Amazing, but hurtful. It hadn't been until he had slept over Heero's house for the first time, had been under Name's motherly care, her concern for him even before she had known what was going on, the warmth of that house and their little family and how they had respected him, that he had felt that emotion for the first time. He had never felt it with Wes. Never. Would he ever?  
    Wes would never be Heero. Why couldn't he just accept that? He kept comparing the two of them and they never came up equal. Why did he keep thinking they would? Hell, why did he keep thinking that they _should_ be equal? When Heero had washed him that time, it had felt so comforting to him. Those hands were almost as strong as Wes', he had seen the kind of damage they could do when his friend was pissed off, but he knew, deep down in his heart, that Heero would never ever turn that strength on him. He never knew when Wes would, but it had always been a surety for him that he would feel that power and violence eventually. Even when he washed him, he felt wary. If he was honest with himself, the only times when he didn't feel anxious were when Wes was hurting him, because he knew he didn't have to wait any longer.   
  
_“If he raped you, then why are you protecting him?” Trowa asked. Duo looked at Name again._  
 _“He’s all I have,” Duo said and Name shuddered at the dead look in his eyes, “He’s the only parent I’ve ever known. How could I have betrayed him? I’m only alive today because of him…”_  
  
    Wes stood with the tray in hand and left to put the dishes in the kitchen sink, completely missing the shocked, almost horrified look on Duo's face as that memory, on the heels of the previous one, hit him with all of the force of a freight train.  
  
 _"... he raped you... why are you protecting him?"_  
  
    Duo felt unsettled to the depths of his core from that one, simply memory; sick and in pain, lying on a hospital bed, surrounded by people who barely knew anything about him, but had wanted to help him and shelter him without needing anything from him in return, and seeing that bewilderment on their faces, their pain and confusion at his reticence to give up his abuser's name... he hadn't been able to comprehend any of it. Why couldn't them understand? he had thought. Without Wes, he was nothing. Yes, the man had hurt him and made him feel like shit his entire life with him, but he had done more for him than anyone else had. Why couldn't they understand that being raped didn't mean anything compared to his fear of giving up Wes' identity and the feeling that he shouldn't because he owed the man everything?  
    But... that was such a _flawed_ way of thinking, he knew that now. Thanks to Name and all his new friends, he was able to come to a very simple conclusion of his life with Wes: he didn't owe the man _shit_. Hadn't he already told Wes that? Just because he had saved his life in Boston, it didn't mean that he owed him his life, that his life and his choices belonged to him. The fact that Wes seemed to think so, that just because he could have easily left him to die and, by some miracle, hadn't, Duo should be grateful, had infuriated him. Why? Why should he feel angry at Wes thinking that, when he had been thinking the same thing, _believing_ the same thing for most of his life? Wes had taken him from the streets, had fed him and clothed him, had probably saved him from death in one form or the other. He had taught him things. Because of Wes, he had been able to go to school, learn how to read, and even met Heero. Because of all those things, he had believed that he owed Wes his loyalty.  
    The question wasn't why he should feel angry at Wes. The question was why hadn't he realized that himself believing those things was just as wrong and twisted and damaging as Wes believing them, that in reality, they were the same disease? For the first time in his life, he understood something. He didn't believe that Wes had done right by him, that they belonged together and that he could never leave him because he owed him so much, because those things were actually _true_. He, as a child, had thought that they were, but that rage he had felt as Wes proved to him that they weren't. If they were, he never could have forged another life for himself with Name and Heero. Because, and he had never thought this before or rather, he had never realized how important this was, for all those moments that he had longed for Wes, had felt lonely without his presence and had been unable to think about anything except for him and the life he had forced upon him, there had been an equal moment when he hadn't entered his thoughts at all.   
    There had been times when he had just basked in Name, Heero, Quatre, and Trowa's love for him, when he had laughed at some joke or smiled at some kindness, when he had just lost himself in playing a game with Heero and Trowa or talking about a book he had just read with Quatre. And in those moments, he had forgotten all about Wes. He had forgotten about his scars and his nightmares, about his bad health and bad memories, about being a whore and that, somewhere, Wes was probably looking at him, thoroughly pissed off, and plotting something nasty to do to him in retaliation. In those moments, his old life had died, if only for a moment, and he had been his new self, completely and entirely. In those moments, he had been happy.   
    For the first time in his life, he understood that Wes had been lying to him in one form or the other, and he had allowed himself to be lied to, not because it was pretty or comforting, but because he had absolutely no other way of thinking. Wes had been right all those years ago that it was better to get a street kid, but it had nothing to do with explaining what prostitution was or having to deal with some shocked kid crying for his mommy. It was because, before Wes, he had had nothing. He had had nothing to return to, nothing to compare the man to. No father to add Wes up to. So, when Wes had told him that he was shit, that his only purpose was for fucking, or that he didn't deserve food or a shower unless he was good at being a whore, or, more importantly, that he owed Wes for giving him what little scraps he had, those things had quickly turned into beliefs in his heart and in his mind because no one had ever told him differently. And as a child, all he could do was listen to the only adult he had to tell him how he should act and live his life.   
    But now, he _understood_. He only thought that he should be loyal to Wes, only hurt when he wanted to go against him, because Wes had _**conditioned**_ him to think and feel that way. It wasn't because there was any truth in it. Wes had wanted him to believe those things because it would tie them together forever. It would make it nearly impossible for Duo to have the freedom to even try to escape from him. Wes had wanted a slave and he had gotten that. Not from love or kindness or any of the hundreds of things Name had done that would make him care for her and feel bound to her, but from abuse and pain. He had broken him down, had fucked with his mind, and now, he would be conflicted for his entire life. He would always wonder if he loved Wes, would always think of him as his father, would always have moments where he would fall back into that old pattern of _obey or I'll hurt you_.   
    He had told Name once that Wes was the only person he had in his life. That wasn't true. That had changed. But those other things... he could move away from them, but they would always be there, in his head. He would always be subconscious and meek, would always have the instinct to obey and ignore his own needs for other people. He would always look down on himself, maybe not as badly as he had in the past, but it would still be there. He would always love Wes. Wes had seen to that. It hadn't been a choice, anymore than a child had a choice to care for a parent. Even if they hated them, some part of them would always love them and miss them when they were gone. Duo wrapped his arms around his stomach, feeling a sharp pain there and in his head. Sorrow fell over him like a high wave and he realized in a dim, miserable way, that he was sobbing and had been for a couple of minutes, his cheeks already wet with tears. Wes had destroyed him... he would never be like Heero or Quatre or Trowa or Wufei. He would never be normal, never be whole...  
  
 _"... he raped you..."_  
  
    Duo squeezed his eyes shut and hid his face against his knees. In the kitchen, he heard running water coming from the sink, but it sounded like whole worlds away from where he was in the dark closet. No, he didn't want to remember... to remember what Wes had done to him, how it had made him feel... that terrible moment when a cruel, unknown criminal had drugged him, pinned him down, made him feel more vulnerable than he had ever felt in his entire, sordid life, and, for the first time, had shown him what it felt like to be violated. Had shown him the terrible pain Sunshine must have felt right before he had died. He didn't want to remember that Wes was that man. Rape... the sick thing was, if it had happened to anyone else, he would have told them all of the things that Name and his friends had told him. It isn't your fault. You aren't a bad person. Get _out_ , let that dysfunctional relationship go because it's nothing more than a toxin... but he had been incapable of believing or acting on those things for himself.  
    He kept wanting to blame himself, kept wondering what he had done wrong to deserve this. But he hadn't done _anything_! Not to Wes. The man had taken him as a helpless child, had raped him, tortured him, and then forced him to work for him while denying him his most basic needs. He had treated him worse than he would have a dog. Wes's voice in his head telling him that he loved him, that he would take care of him and never whore him out again began to fade in the face of those facts and was replaced by another, the same one that had struck his heart so painfully and deliberately before.  
    'And this is the man you want to spend your life with?' it asked snidely.  
    This time, he didn't lash out at that voice or deny the truth in its words, because it was the same question that had been hiding inside of him for a very long time now. Why did he want to be with Wes when, even when the man loved him, he did nothing but hurt him? What kind of life was that to live? Hadn't he run away from Wes because he hadn't wanted to live like that anymore, always scared and on the verge of a mental break down? What, exactly, had Wes' declaration of love and loyalty changed? How did his sudden lack of violence and threats make him any less of an abuser?  
    For a moment, Duo felt Heero's hands on his back, caressing him lightly and gently, a kind of touch that Wes was incapable of copying. He shuddered, feeling the phantom warmth of those hands. No matter what he felt for Wes, if he loved him, needed him, if he was the only father he would ever have, his only connection to his past... no matter what he was to him, the love he felt for Heero made that other love look ugly. If Heero were here, if he could see him for no longer than a minute, Duo knew without any doubts that his best friend would give his conflicted thoughts about leaving Wes or staying with him all the clarity that he would need.  
    Heero's light would destroy Wes' darkness.   
    But Heero _wasn’t_ with him now, so how could he make that decision? How could he find the willpower to let go of Wes once and for all? With that thought, with that one step closer to realizing what he _really_ wanted, Duo felt his need for home acutely. But it wasn’t enough. All by himself, he was weak. Heero was strong. Wes was strong. But Duo had always been weak. Wes’ darkness was just too powerful for him to beat all by himself. Nearly every last piece of him wanted to give up. He wanted to surrender, to tell Wes yes, not because he had finally decided that he loved Wes more than Name or even because he believed it would be safer for his new family if both he and Wes disappeared forever. It was simply because... he was tired of fighting. He was tired of this push and pull between the two of them. He was tired of being afraid and confused and conflicted. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to let go of everything that mattered, to forget.  
    ‘You always knew,’ that hateful voice returned, but the bitterness and somehow _dangerous_ tone was gone from it, ‘you might have tried as hard as you could to deny it, like a child who deep down knows that one day, he **must** grow up, but from the moment you opened that door to one of Name’s guest rooms and saw that bedspread and books and pillows, all those little things she had painstakingly picked out and hoped you would like, from that very moment when you realized, subconsciously, that she had intended for you to stay as a part of her family, not just as a guest for a week or two, you have always know that you can never come back here. You have always known the answer to that riddle; Wes or Heero... you just refused to listen to the answer.’  
    With those words (that they were just in his head, spoken by some twisted part of his conscious, subconscious, or whatever was irrelevant) he felt his tears stop as though someone had flipped a switch. It, or he, was right. Every word that voice had uttered was true, and he felt that rightness in his heart, as though it had been waiting for him all this time. even before he had consciously realized that he needed to _make_ a choice or what the choice was, he had made his mind up long ago, he was just stubbornly ignoring it, childishly not wanting to act on that decision because, as long as he was conflicted, as long as he refused to choose one way or the other by saying that the choice was impossible, he didn't have to lose anyone.  
    This entire time, he had been painting this picture of Wes as the father he had always desperately craved to have. He had stubbornly clung to old memories, trying to find all of those rare moments when the man had been affectionate or kind to them, and had tried to add them up to equal some grand, beautiful truth. But they were so few, so weak and pathetic, that both as a child and now, he had scrambled to make them seem more important, to give them a greater value than the moments of pain and darkness so they could measure up. But it was a lie. He had actually set out at some point in his childhood and had consciously tried to fool himself into believing that Wes could give him what he needed, that he cared for him and was capable of love if he could just be a _good boy_ because... because...  
    ...he was lonely. Through the hunger and cold, the very first thing he could remember, his first, infantile memory, was loneliness.  
    The truth, in all of its harshness, was that Wes was just obsessed and abusive. He didn't love him. The _truth_ was that he had never, and _would never_ , be what Duo needed. And he would always hurt him. There was nothing else and there had never been anything else, no matter what he had chosen to see and believe. Hadn't this kidnapping proved that to him? He had been unwilling to see it before, but the longer he was away from home, ironically, instead of becoming more distant from that life, he felt his need for it more intensely, and he could see how wrong his current situation was. Wes said that he loved him, but he had locked him away in the dark, had tied him up and made him bleed. He had promised to not whore him out anymore, but had continuously raped him.   
    He had been in the dark for _so long_... he had lived there, had breathed it in, let it fill him up, just like in his nightmares. He had existed in that dark place for such a long time that he clung to Wes, had let him fill his empty life with _something_ , not caring that it would eventually destroy him, it had been so much better than the nothingness before him. That had been Sister Helen's true legacy to him. She had shown him what it was like to have someone in your life that cared for you, who actually wanted to be by your side. Then, she had taken it all away from him. He had gone on, believing that things would be exactly the same as it had been before she had come into his life, but in reality, on the inside he had been rotting. Then Wes had 'rescued' him from that. Wes had taken Helen's place and filled that emptiness with him.   
    Name's love and kindness had come too late. That thought was so painful, but as wonderful as her affection for him was, he still couldn't let go of Wes. The man had filled him up too completely, too thoroughly, and it was too hard for him to accept that Name was really the one he needed. If he had met her as a child, even two or three years after Wes had kidnapped him, he probably would have fallen into her arms easily, but after eight years...  
    Duo realized something else. All those years craving some kind of affection from Wes had created that intense pain he had felt every single time he had called him worthless or stupid or pathetic, every time he had failed Wes in some way and had blamed himself for it. He understood. No matter what he did, no matter how well he behaved or if he did every single thing Wes told him to do, no matter how terrible or what mark it left on his soul, he would _never_ be good enough for Wes. He would always do some wrong, something that Wes would punish him and make him feel like shit for. The man had always had the knack for making the smallest error feel like some major flaw in him.  
    He had always seen that as _his_ fault, every tiny thing that he did wrong, every time Wes used his fists or belt or cruel words to 'correct' him. But now he understood that it _wasn't_ his fault, just like Name and Heero and the others kept trying to make him believe. It was a flaw in Wes, to not take him as he was. Their entire lives together, Wes had tried to change him. What sort of love was that? If you had to change a person, how could you possibly be in love with them? Heero, Name, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei all loved him for who he was, and they had seen him at his worst, had seen him for all his flaws and had loved him for them instead of trying to break those weaknesses. But Wes... the same man who claimed to love him and be unable to live without him, was _incapable_ of it.   
    Wes had done some really unspeakable things to him. He remembered then, the sharp, horrifying pain as Wes had hit him with the baseball bat on his upper, left side. He remembered the heat that had blossomed there and the startling sound of two of his ribs cracking. He remembered how the wound had become an iron ball in his side up until Chris had squeezed the exact same spot, bursting his spleen. But more than all of those things, he remembered how, deep down inside, he had felt betrayal. And what had he done to warrant getting struck with a fucking _baseball bat_?! Oh, that's right. His school nurse had started asking the wrong questions and when Wes had accused him, he had tried to defend himself.   
    That wasn't nearly the only time he had been hurt for some minor infraction, many of them he had been completely unaware he _would_ get punished for. Thanks to Wes, he had come close to death so many times, but he had never told anyone _anything_ until he had met Heero, because of his fear of his pimp, and because some part of him was scared of getting Wes sent to jail. He had actually felt strange guilt over that possibility. He had lied for the man thousands of times. he had stolen for him, Wes gleefully using the fact that Duo had stolen while he had been living on the streets.  
    But those times had been different. He had only ever pickpocketed food or enough money for a hot meal, or clothes that had been left unattended. The most expensive thing he had ever taken had been a pair of shoes from a boy around his own age. The boy had taken them off to go rollerblading in the park. He had put them into one of those tiny lockers by the bathrooms you had to pay the attendant a dollar for the key. It had been easy figuring out how to bypass the flimsy lock and nab the shoes. They had kept his feet safe from frost bite that entire winter. But Wes had forced him to steal money from the wallets of his one time customers, sometimes even driver's licenses, family photos, or social security cards, if he needed to blackmail them. Even drugs, at times. If one of his mules or partners were acting suspicious, Wes would send Duo to them for a night and Duo would snoop around their place while they were sleeping for any incriminating evidence, knowing full well what Wes would do to the person if he found any. he had also know that the least penalty he would get if he were ever caught was a trip to the hospital. The worst being a bullet to the head. The only time he had ever refused to steal for Wes was when he had slept over at Heero's house. The thought of stealing from his friend and his mother had been a line that he hadn't been able to cross.  
    He had done terrible things, all for Wes' sake, things that he could barely remember and had absolutely no desire to...  
  
    //Duo didn't sleep. He nearly dozed off a couple of times, but every time he did, he saw the sight h had come home to. Wes and Chris kneeling on Wes' bed, the little girl laying there, her olive eyes open and staring at nothing, one bare leg visible, almost completely stained with blood, only a few glimpses of fair, unblemished skin. The _dead_ girl. Her hair had been blonde. Why was that the thing that he remembered the most vividly? Her eyes hadn't been pretty, or that ugliness could have been because of how much like a fish or doll they looked in death, but her hair had been so beautiful, curly and clean. And then, in his head, Wes saw him standing there in the doorway and smirked at him. Somehow, his cold grey eyes were so much worse than that cruel, sadistic smirk. But that hadn't happened. Wes and Chris hadn't noticed him or, if they had, they had been too busy talking about how to dispose of her body to care about his presence.   
    Still, that threat had stayed with him, the fear that what they had done to that girl would happen to him. How long did he have before Wes decided he had outlived his usefulness? How long before Wes strode into his room and slit his throat? That fear had kept him wide awake in a state of paranoia. When he had felt the need to go to the bathroom, he had just laid there, too scared to move, as though Wes might descend upon him if he even breathed too loudly. His heart hadn't stopped beating rapidly since last night and he felt incredibly sick from stress and not sleeping. He kept wondering what was so great about his life that he should be so scared of Wes murdering him, and hadn't he, in the worst parts of his training, prayed that the man _would_ go too far and end it all? But the fear stayed alive in his heart, inexplicable and as impossible to get rid of as that image of the girl's eyes staring dead at him.   
    According to the clock, it was that strange part of the morning when it was still as dark as night, but a brand new day nonetheless. Things had been silent until about ten minutes ago, when he heard Wes stirring in the bedroom next to his. He had heard Chris leave about an hour after he had slipped into bed last night, thankfully. He couldn't deal with the bear of a man on a good day, it was hard enough knowing that Wes was here. His bladder felt like it was going to explode and he knew that he couldn't just lie here, waiting for... nothing, exactly. Better to be up and aware when Wes came looking for him. He thought that if Wes came in here and fucked him as he laid here, he might actually go crazy.     Duo slipped out of bed, trying to be as silent as possible without even realizing he was sneaking. He walked to the door and waited, peeking out. He stood there a full twenty minutes until Wes emerged from his own bedroom. His heart pounded, waiting for the blonde to turn and walk in his direction. Instead, Wes continued down the hallway towards the kitchen. Duo waited a bit longer, sure he was going to come back his way and grab him, shake him, and tell him that he _knew_ Duo had seen them last night, and he was going to shut him up one way or the other... for a moment, the boy pondered his chances if he tried to escape. The mere thought sent equal terror and pain through him. Escaping Wes... even if Wes was going to kill him, it was impossible. He couldn't run from him, that hadn't changed since the first time he had tried and had his head bashed into the floor for it.   
    Duo heard Wes rummaging around in the kitchen, followed by the sound of the coffee maker doing its things and knew that, soon, the entire kitchen would have the thick smell of whatever roast it was he drank. The fear settled. If Wes was making coffee, he would start to make breakfast as well and read Chris' report. Duo had no idea what was in the report, only that every morning, instead of reading the newspaper, the tall blonde would be reading the packet of papers. The very first time he had seen this behavior and had stood on his tip toes, trying to read some of it out of natural curiosity, Wes had backhanded him and told his that what was in there was none of his damned business, but Duo could guess. In a way, the thug was like any other business man. He had an empire to run, employees to keep an eye on, and profits to track. Things that Duo had no real interest in beyond gauging Wes' daily mood. And the fact that, once the man had his coffee, he wouldn't leave the kitchen for some time.   
    Duo crept down the hallway and quickly used the bathroom. He felt silly about creeping around the apartment when he had already been living there for two years and there was no threat now that hadn't been present before, but it still made him feel better when he got there and Wes wasn't breathing down his neck. When he was done, he walked normally back to his room and got dressed, no longer worried about Wes hearing him and coming after him. If he was going to hurt him for last night, he would do it in the kitchen. He had to have heard the flush of the toilet anyway. He put on the shorts and t-shirt he had worn yesterday, since they weren't dirty enough to warrant putting on something else, and it already felt like it was going to be hot again. If he was going to sweat and feel miserable, he might as well do it in dirty clothes instead of ruining clean ones.   
    He didn't even think about keeping his night clothes on even though it was barely morning. He wasn't going to sleep anyway and if Wes was up this early, there was a reason for it. The intimidating man was already sitting down at the kitchen table, drinking from a steaming mug. This morning, like only a few before it, he didn't have a pile of papers to through. He was eating from a plate of toast and scrambled eggs, and there were additional aromas in the air that would have normally made Duo's stomach growl quite loudly.  
    But behind those delicious smells of breakfast, there was another one, a nasty, insidious one. As Duo approached, his eyes became glued to the sight of a large bag made up of black blankets that had been tied closed. Because of the color, he couldn't see any stains, but he knew they were there, just like how he didn't have to guess what was in it. The bag reeked of an odor that no amount of chinese food, cigarette smoke, sex, or scrambled eggs could cover and he gagged with each step he took. Wes saw him and pushed a second plate away from him, towards the other side of the table. Duo hesitated, but for only a second. He wasn't so far removed from living on the street that he didn't instantly have the desire to grab food and go hide in the dark with it, but in living with Wes, offered food, offered _free_ food, shriveled his stomach. After that first sandwich, he had no appetite for anything Wes gave him that didn't come with some sort of price or a reward for something he had done.   
    But at the same time, he didn't dare turn any food down. Not because he was never sure when he would see food again, but because he knew what Wes would do to him if he refused it. He sat up at the kitchen table on the opposite side of Wes, who had pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pants pocket and was pulling one out. Duo noticed for the first time that he was dressed well in a suit, which meant he had some business today. He held some hope that the man wouldn't be around that much, and that the business was good business, so he wouldn't be in a foul mood. He looked down at the plate of food like it was some grand riddle he needed to figure out, but for the life of him, couldn't even understand. It was three pancakes, already coated in butter and syrup, as well as two strips of bacon. Wes had the rest of the bacon on his plate. Duo still had a hard time eating rich foods like cheese or onions, even the bacon was touchy for him, and eggs were too expensive, so Wes never gifted him with them, so the pancakes were an odd treat. Wes lit his cigarette, the flick of flame from the lighter startling Duo.  
    "Eat it," Wes ordered gruffly, but not angrily, taking a drag from the cigarette.  
    Duo cut up the pancakes, just like how Wes had shown him to do, carefully holding both the knife and fork the right way, and took a bite. He had half expected it to taste terrible, a cheap prank from a man that often like to play nasty games with him, or maybe bitter from some kind of drug or poison, but they tasted fine. Wes wasn't exactly a good cook, but they weren't raw or burnt and Duo wasn't a picky eater. The taste of food on his tongue threw a switch in his stomach and, if only for a minute, he forgot about the bag and his fear of the man sitting a couple of feet away from him. He ate the pancakes as though he had never eaten anything like them before and gulped down the glass of water Wes had put by him in mere seconds. Wes finished his breakfast, coffee, and cigarette and watched Duo eat, calculating something. Duo didn't think about it that much, Wes almost always looked at him like that, so while it bothered him a great deal, it wasn't something that alarmed him at the moment.      
    "I'm going on a trip this morning," Wes told him as Duo finished eating.  
    Duo wisely kept his mouth shut, even though he wanted to ask a dozen questions. Wes would tell him all that he wanted him to know and nothing more. Questions would just gain him a broken nose and no answers.  
    "I'll be gone until tomorrow night," the blonde informed him nonchalantly, "and in the meantime, you are going to do a chore for me."  
    The small brunette felt a thrill of relief go through him, but didn't let it show on his face. Two whole days! He would have freedom for two days... Wes didn't trust him enough to go on jobs when he wasn't around, so he wouldn't have to see any customers until he got back. And if this 'trip' was important enough for Wes to be dressed up like that, it meant that Chris was going to be going, too.   
    "You are going to get rid of that," he nodded to the bag in the corner.  
    Duo paled, his meal feeling like a lump in his stomach. 'That'... there was no way he could do that... he knew what was in that bag... he didn't even want to go _near_ the thing. He couldn't touch it, couldn't pick it up. And he couldn't be responsible for something... something that 'important'!  
    "Wes... I can't..." he shook his head, his voice small as he knew what was going to happen the second the forbidden words were out of his mouth.  
    Wes stood up, crushing the used up cigarette in the ash tray and strode over to Duo without any sense of urgency. Duo scrambled out of the chair, but couldn't avoid it as Wes back handed him so hard that he felt, his lip splitting by the force of it. Blood dripped down his chin, but he barely even registered it through the pain.   
    "No... no..." he cried, pushing himself away from Wes until his back hit the wall, more in denial of what the man wanted him to do than his fear of getting hit, "Please, Wes... I can't do something like that-"  
    Wes hit him again, this time with his fist instead of just an open hand. Pain exploded in his right cheek and eye and he saw bright lights in that eye, then blackness, then muted colors in his already poor vision. Later, his cheek and eye would blacken and he wouldn't be able to open it fully without excruciating pain for at least two days. Wes grabbed him by his long hair and slammed his head against the wall. Duo shook, not from the pain but from the violence and the reminder of Wes' power. The fear he had had earlier of Wes killing him returned. Wes knelt down, but still managed to tower over him. Despite Duo's refusal to do what he was told, Wes didn't look angry, and that terrified the boy.  
    "If I do that," Duo said in a barely audible voice, his lip throbbing with every word, "...I'll get caught. I can't... I can't... do something like that, I've never..."  
    "Shut up," Wes snapped and Duo did.  
    Wes stared at him for a moment and the brunette felt the pain in his face acutely through that predatory glare.      
    "You have no right to any opinion," the man said coldly, "You are my property, and when my property cannot do what I have purchased it for, I don't take it back or try to get it fixed," he cupped Duo's bruised cheek, as though he were caressing it, but instead squeezed it, making pain burst there through the haze that the impact with the wall had made in his head, "I trash it."  
    Duo felt a pressure around his neck and panicked, thinking that Wes was choking him, only to realize that it was all in his head.   
    "If you can't do what I want you to do," Wes continued in a matter of fact tone, "I'll kill you and find someone else who can," he let go of Duo's cheek and stood back up, looking down at him, leaving Duo trembling, "What I want you to do is simple. You don't even have to cut her up, Chris and I did that already, so stop bitching about it. There's a dumpster five blocks from here in an alley on Coon St. Leave the bag there. I have a man who will pick it up tonight. I don't have the time to do it myself. Understood?"  
    His tone told Duo that it wasn't a question. Not at all. He nodded shakily, knowing that he didn't really have a choice. He could do this, or Wes would get someone to dispose of his body in that dumpster. He was a lot more scared of what Wes would do to him than getting caught by the police or touching that bag. Wes walked away from him to wash the dishes. Duo took a few minutes to get to his feet, still trembling a little. He looked at the bag and felt like he was going to throw up. Wes gathered his keys and started to walk towards the door, but before Duo could even feel relieved about him leaving so he could gather up the courage to do this, he turned back around and regarded him with a cold look and cruel almost-smirk, just like the one he had seen in his head all night long.   
    "And don't bother trying to run away when I'm gone," Wes said with an amused tone, "If you do, I won't cut the bottoms of your feet this time," grey, reptilian eyes glanced down at Duo's legs, just long enough to give Duo a confused chill, "there's this very special ligament in the knees that, if its cut, the person will never be able to stand up again for their entire lives," he looked back up at Duo's face, enjoying how horrified and sickened the nine year old looked and his voice turned cold and threatening, "If you run away, I will find you and make sure that you will only ever be able to crawl or lie on your back," he smirked, "the perfect whore, really. maybe I should do it anyway. What else are you good for but fucking and giving head? You don't _need_ your legs."  
    With that terrible threat delivered, Wes left the apartment. Duo watched him and stood there in the kitchen in a complete daze as those incredibly cruel and menacing words soaked into him.  
      
   _"Maybe I should do it anyway."_  
  
    His guts twisted and he felt cold. Very, very cold. Duo could actually _feel_ his flesh crawling. He swayed on his feet, feeling faint. His _legs_ felt faint.  
  
   _"If you run away, I will find you and make sure that you will only ever be able to crawl or lie on your back."_  
  
    Duo walked slowly and calmly to the bathroom, his vision so gray and distant, he only got there through instinctual memory. He very carefully lifted up the toilet seat, but when he went to kneel down, a phantom pain shot through his knees and he fell on them in shock. He grabbed the toilet and violently threw up into it, not caring one little bit that the meal Wes had given him had gone to waste. Knowing the man's penchant for sick mind games, he had probably known all along what that threat would do to him. He was probably still smirking that ugly smirk right now... and yet the knowledge that this might be all a nasty prank did nothing to diminish the sinister look he had seen in Wes' eyes when he had delivered those heartless words, nothing to delude himself that the threat wasn't very real.  
    Even when he finished, his stomach spasmed and ached, but he barely registered the pain over his terror and revulsion. His body shook as he sat there on the floor, feeling like he had just crawled out of an ice box. He felt like there was nothing inside of him, that he was just skin and nerves. He wanted to stand up off of the cold, tiled floor, but was terrified of using his legs. It was a silly, childish fear, and he knew that, but even the thought of moving them scared him. What if he tried and he felt that phantom pain again? How could he feel that pain just from some words, just from a suggestive threat? It was like Wes held some kind of God-like power over his body and mind. He was even scared to close his eyes because when he did, all he could think about was what it would be like, not being able to use his legs or move his knees...  
    Duo retched over the toilet again, but his stomach was empty, just making it spasm. His body was shaking so badly, it felt like he might have a seizure. When the spasms stopped again, he realized that he felt wetness on his face and wiped at it. He looked down at his arm and saw a mix of blood and tears, but didn't even care about the blood. He could still hear Wes' voice in his head, coldly telling him that he didn't _need_ his legs, he was just a whore, so all he needed was to be able to suck a man off and let them fuck him. He felt like a doll with detachable parts and Wes, his master, could take off anything he didn't want or need and just... toss it away. It was _his_ body, but it wasn't. He had no control at all what Wes did to it. If Wes wanted to cut off his legs, he would do it. Duo had no free will, no ability to say no and protect his own, natural body.  
    Duo leaned his head against the icy cold rim of the toilet and started to sob. He tucked his knees close to his tiny body and truly _felt_ them for the first time in his life, felt the strength in them, how they helped him run and walk and how grateful he was for them. It took him an hour to get the courage to try to stand up, but when he did, he was so dizzy and faint headed that he had to sit back down for another twenty minutes. By the time he could stay upright, he had no idea if he was shaking because of his fear or the cold of the floor. He flushed the toilet and walked slowly back towards the kitchen. The entire time, Wes' words continued to play over and over and over in this head, like a recording that he couldn't shut off.  
    Anything Wes did to him, any cruel thing he said or did, he had become quite adept at pushing deep down inside and locking it into some dark, pulsating box where he would beat at it mercilessly until he forgot about it. Oh, he never _really_ forgot. It was always there, just under the surface of his thoughts, waiting for him to fall asleep so it could give him fuzzy, but horrible dreams. But when he was awake, they faded away and he never tried to remember them. None of them were exactly pleasant. But this... this couldn't be pushed down. It _refused_ to go and no matter how hard he tried to just move past it, it demanded his complete and total attention. It reminded him, terribly, of when Wes had raped him the first time, those same feelings of isolation and hysteria and being absolutely _nothing_ , not even the lowest sort of human being.   
    And that feeling of danger, of not being safe, that hadn't left him since that first night together. In two years, he hadn't felt safe. Even when he had been living on the street, he had moments when he had found the perfect hidey hole, the perfect place where no one could find him and hurt him. There was no hiding from Wes. And now, Wes was gone and wouldn't be back for days, but he didn't feel as though the threat had gone. It was as though his presence were still here in this apartment, like a lingering ghost.   
    The bag was waiting for him in the kitchen and his mind painted dark, terrible stains on the dark fabric, making it look even more ominous. In that bundle of old sheets was the dismembered body of that pretty blonde girl... he wondered if her eyes, if they were still _in_ her head, were still wide and shocked. Duo felt like throwing up all over again. He didn't even want to _look_ at it... but he still realized the transition in his mind. he had stopped thinking that he _wouldn't_ do it, and had started to think in terms of inevitability. He was going to do this. A sense of betrayal swept through him. No matter what Wes acted like or said, this wasn't just... just a sack of rotten meat he had a chore to take out with the trash!   
    It... no, **_she_** had been alive, a breathing, thinking human being. And no matter where she had come from, that she had had a family and a real name, for a moment, the two of them had been the same, had experienced the same pain at the hands of the same man and to just drop her off, discard her like everyone before Wes had discarded him really did feel like a betrayal. But what could he do? What choice did he have? If he didn't do this, the Wes probably wouldn't _just_ kill him, he would-  
    Duo cut off that thought as quickly and thoroughly as he could manage. He didn't want to start dry heaving again. No matter how terrible this was, his fear of getting caught or that he was helping to cover up a murder couldn't complete with his terror over Wes fulfilling his threat. He took a deep breath, ignoring how queasy he still felt and grabbed the bag, wondering if he even _could_ pick it up. It was both heavier and lighter than he had thought. Lighter because he had assumed his thin arms would have a harder time lifting it up. Heavier than her size would have suggested. It wouldn't be a pleasant trip, but he could manage it. He hoisted the bag up into his arms and carried it to the door. He could have dragged it to save the strength in his arms, but couldn't bring himself to do something like that. He got the door open and locked it behind him with the spare key Wes kept in one of the kitchen drawers.  
    The second he got the door locked, the heat hit him like a tidal wave. Somehow, while he had been in the apartment he hadn't felt the heat. And with that heat, he also smelled the bag strongly, as though the heat were already working on the rotting flesh. He wrinkled his nose, realizing that it was only going to smell worse with this heat wave. But it wasn't the first time he had smelled a dead body and, judging by Wes'... business practices, wouldn't be the last, so he kept going. On the street, he got a few curious, perplexed stares and realized that the image he presented was probably a bit odd, a long haired boy carrying a large bundle of sheets through one of the worst summer heats they had seen in years, but they either minded their own business or it was just too damned hot for them to give a shit what some little brat was dragging around.  
    If it had been twenty degrees cooler, Duo would not have struggled so much, but in that heat and humidity, even two blocks was hell. He was sweating so hard that the bag almost fell from his grip several times and he had to stop to adjust his grip, and his feet slid in his sandals, but he walked slowly so he wouldn't trip, making the trek to Coon Street take twice as long. He wanted nothing more than to hurry and get this macabre chore over with, but he couldn't afford to fall. And was it strange that he cared significantly less about the bag breaking and him getting caught than skinning his knees? He had skinned them hundreds of times before, but he knew that, today, the pain would be excruciating.  
    It was still early morning, around six o'clock, so there weren't a lot of people out and about, thankfully, but just two blocks away from his goal, someone finally approached him. It was an elderly woman with white hair that was plastered to her face with sweat and she looked like she was struggling just as much as he was as she carried three bags of groceries. Still, she stopped in concern and even went as far as to speak to him.  
    "What are you doing with a big bag like that, sweetheart?" she asked kindly.  
    Duo's heart ached, but he pushed it aside. The woman wrinkled her nose as she was the only one that had gotten close enough and stayed near him long enough to smell the bag's contents. He didn't miss a beat.   
    "My daddy didn't make the garbage this week," he lied with an easiness that had become second nature to him these past two years, "We had to throw out some meat, cuz our fridge broke. He was supposed to bring the garbage to the dumpster down the street, cuz it's starting to smell so bad, but he forgot to before he went on his trip today. He won't be back for a couple of days and it smells really gross," he wrinkled his nose, too, to emphasize this point.  
    The old woman frowned in that way that some women did when they were judging things.  
    "It sounds like your daddy forgets things a lot," she said worriedly.  
    Duo felt a thrill of paranoia, but just nodded, waiting for the questions to start. Do you have a mommy, where do you live, what does your dad do for a living...  
    "Do you need help carrying it?" she asked instead.  
    "No," Duo shook his head, trying to stay calm even as he had the sudden urge to tell her the truth, and hating himself for how easy this was, not just lying to someone who was showing him a very rare moment of kindness, but how detached he felt, how the lies came so instinctually, they felt they were coming from someone else's mouth, "It isn't heavy."  
    The old woman paused and Duo was certain that had it been cooler, she would have pressed the issue and tried to carry the bag for him, but the heat made people hastier, less patient, and she hurried on her way. Duo continued on his own way until he finally reached Coon Street, but his an obstacle that Wes hadn't told him about. At the mouth of the alley, only about ten feet from the dumpster which sat in a shadowy portion of the alley, was a very tall, metal fentce. The door on it had a heavy padlock, the kind you needed two keys to open. The alley no doubt held the back entrance to some of the shops that made up the surrounding buildings and the gate was an extra measure to deter thieves. Duo understood now why Wes was using this alley to leave the body, and why he had ordered _him_ to do it. Someone as skilled as Wes could easily bypass the lock, but no crony would have the tools to break it.   
    The fence was too tall and awkward to climb, no matter how tall and limber you were, only the door had a decent foot hold. But the bars were just far enough apart for someone as thin as Duo to pass through. You also had to be short because a bar ran across the top of the five foot tall door from one side to the other. It was impossible to crouch under that bar _and_ squeeze through, so only an emaciated midget, or a thin child, could do it. No sane person would try to get in here to dumpster dive. There would be more accessible alleys elsewhere, so the likelihood of someone besides Wes' compatriot finding the bag was slim and, knowing Wes, he had thought of all those slim chances.  
    Duo stared at the fence. He _could_ squeeze through, but what about the bag? There was no way it could fit through, and he couldn't throw it hard enough to make it over the gate. It was too heavy for him to lift it very high, let alone throw it, and he was too scared of the bag breaking, worse than that... it seemed... what was the word? Disrespectful. He had never been prissy about touching dead bodies before. He had stolen from corpses dozens of times and he was used to filth. It was because he had _know_ her. Even for just a second, he had seen her when she had been alive and it felt so wrong to him to just throw her body over the fence. So... if he couldn't lift, push, or throw, what did that leave him...? Pulling?  
    Duo, bolstered on by this new idea, examined the top of the fence more closely. While it was clearly too tall to climb over, he could probably throw a rope over it and use it to hoist the bag over the top. The trick would be getting the bag to go over the top without getting stuck or snagging, and it was going to fall, but he might be able to catch it, and it was a better idea than just leaving it at the mouth of the alley or pushing each individual... piece through the bars. He put the bag right next to the bars and slipped between them. It would have been taxing, and perhaps painful as small as the gap was, but he was so sweat that it wasn't that difficult. however, the heat had been working on the metal for the past few days and he burned himself a little, the worst on the side of his face and his knees. He drew himself up on the fronts of his feet to keep from getting his toes burnt, though.  
    The longhaired boy ran deeper down the alley, hurriedly looking for some rope before he was spotted back here. He didn't dare go through the dumpster. The rusty, green metal was even hotter than the fence, making the smell coming from it pungent, and there was no way, even if he stood on a box, that he could get inside of it without burning his palms and fingers. He would need all of the strength and feeling in his hands in order to finish this, so he settled for looking around the bits of trash that littered the alley. There was no rope, but he found a large stack of flattened cardboard that was held together by packing twine. He untied it, noting that it would be just long enough. Rope would be better, but he couldn't risk leaving the bag here to go find some and it wasn't like he was trying to lift furniture. The twine should hold.  
    Checking for anyone at the mouth of the alley that might try to investigate what he was doing, Duo went back to the other side of the fence, tied the twine to the bag and tried to throw the other end of the twine over the fence. He missed. The twine was just so light that it didn't carry too far when he threw it. He tried again, and again. By the time he had thrown hard enough for the twine to go over the fence instead of through it, an hour had passed. He was sweating and breathing hard, his heart hammering in his chest from both paranoia and exertion, all this activity in the heavy heat making him dehydrated. He pushed back through the bars and saw that the twine was still a good two to three feet beyond where he could reach, but at this point, he was too far along to be deterred. He grabbed another large stack of cardboard and dragged it over to the fence.   
    He backed away from it and took some deep breaths, looking from the cardboard to the twine. If he misjudged the distance, the least he would have to look forward to was a broken nose. He ran at the cardboard, as fast as he could. He wouldn't be attempting this a second time. Even if he didn't manage to break something, he felt too close to heatstroke to get this much speed again, and he knew that, the longer this took, the faster his luck was going to run out and he would be seen. Duo, not slowing down, jumped onto the cardboard and used his forward momentum to make a desperate grab for the twine. his fingers just barely brushed against it, but he quickly curled his fist around it, pulling it down instead of missing and hitting the fence. He almost screamed in triumph, realizing immediately that he hadn't actually believed this would work.  
   _'Won't be able to do **that** when Wes slashes your knees,'_ a cruel, almost snide voice chimed a matter-of-factly in his head.  
    All of the strength went out of Duo's legs, although he somehow managed to keep a tight grip on the makeshift pulley system, and he fell onto his knees, shaking again and feeling a strong chill despite the uncomfortable weather. His stomach spasmed as all the things he had tried to leave back at the apartment, his fear of Wes fulfilling his threat, his revulsion at the phantom pain in his knees and legs and just how little his life and _self_ was worth, and his complete and utter horror at the cruelty and... inhumanity of it, as well as how he would live if Wes went through with it, came blooding back, slamming into him like a wave. For the very first time, he was grateful that Wes had given this job, it gave him something to focus on and use to stop those feelings from overwhelming him.  
    Duo, pointedly ignoring what that voice had said, stood back up like an ungainly newborn deer on shaking legs and wrapped the twine around his arm so it wouldn't slip out of his sweaty hands. The bag gave some resistance as he pulled it up, but not much. To his relief, it went over the top easily without tearing and he got it over to his side of the fence with a careful tug, although he was panting and it felt like his heart was going to explode, sweat actually drippong off his bangs. He caught it very easily, the bag being big enough that it was easy to track where it was going to fall, but the weight of it falling from that height almost knocked him onto his ass.   
    As he frantically grabbed at the bag, his left hand wrapped around something that was hard and disgustingly wet, something that couldn't be anything else but bone. Even worse, the bag was now so warm that it felt like the pieces of her had come back to life. He almost dropped the bag with that thought. He hesitated for a moment. Guilt surged in him again, hiding and not forgotten. This girl _wasn't_ him. She probably had family. A mother and a father, grandparents, aunts and uncles, maybe even a brother or sister. They were probably wondering where she was right now, terrified for her, something that no one had ever felt for him. No one cared that Wes had kidnapped him and no one ever would. He was nothing. But this girl... they had probably known she was missing right away.  
    If he did this... if he just dumped her body and walked away for Wes' man to take care of things, that family was never going to know what happened. They would always wonder if she was still alive for the rest of their lives, all because of _him_. He was an accomplice to all of this. And he wasn't doing it because of some big, noble cause. He was doing this out of fear and selfishness. But... if he didn't do it, Wes was going to-  
    Duo pushed the bag up and over the top of the dumpster, hearing it fall inside of it with a muffled thump. He didn't think about what he had just done or what he was supposed to now, that this grisly chore was done. He didn't even wait around for the man to show up, to make sure that no one took the bag. He moved like a zombie, like a train that has no choice but to follow the path of it's tracks, squeezing through the fence and walking away from the alley like he had just woken up from a bad dream, the details of it already fading.  
    Duo didn't remember the walk, but he suddenly found himself at the park, which was just fine with him. He liked the park. Even when it was crowded, it seemed quieter and more peaceful than anywhere else. There was a fountain and lots of places for a little kid to hide. There was even a pond where ducks liked to swim. There were a ton of them in there as he passed it, no doubt taking refuge from the sun. Duo loved the ducks, like he loved most animals and, usually, he would take the time to root around for scraps to feed them with, but there was already a group of kids there, tossing pieces of bread into the pond, and Duo wouldn't be welcome among them. He didn't want to be around people right now anyway.  
    Duo came across a woman sitting in one of the benches, a stroller next to her. It was one of those that had different compartments for diapers or whatever else moms needed for babies, and Duo spotted a bottle of water in one of them like a beacon. The woman was so engrossed in the book she was reading, nicking it was easy, only an explosion or the sound of her baby crying would rouse her. He snuck behind the stroller with swift, but careful movements that were second nature to him, quietly unzipped the compartment, and snagged the bottle. There wasn't even anyone around to see him do it.       
    With his trophy in hand, Duo moved quickly to the shade of a large tree, far away from anyone else. The tree did little to lessen the oppressive heat, but at least he was out of the sunlight. He sighed, laying against the trunk of the tree, feeling the hot grass on his bare legs. He could almost imagine that the last couple of hours had never happened. Almost.      
  
  _"You will only ever be able to crawl or lie on your back. The perfect whore really."_  
  
    Duo felt the acid taste of bile climbing up his throat and defiantly unscrewed the cap on the bottle, downing all of the water in one go. The water felt unpleasantly heavy in his small, empty stomach, but he didn't throw it back up, thankfully. With the heaviness of having consumed something so quickly came a lethargicness, his insomnia and taxing morning finally catching up to him, making his eyes slide closed.   
    A voice in his head told him that he couldn't fall asleep here, not in public, not where he was vulnerable, but it was faint, like a murmur. He fell into a very deep, disturbing sleep full of nightmares and visions of blood and dead, olive eyes.   
  
End Part 12


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo finally decides on which future he wants, but it leads him to a horrifying action that will have terrible consequences.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8: The Second Son  
Part 13  
  
  
    Duo jolted wide awake and alert as he sensed that there was someone in front of him. He was instantly aware of the feeling of hard bark against his back, soft grass under him, the sound of summer crickets, and his own shivering. The temperature must have dropped significantly once night had fallen, and with his body covered in sweat, he felt cold and wrung out. Had he slept the entire day away? How could he have just... slept in a public park like that, as people came and went, where _anyone_ could have kidnapped him, or stolen his things? He was also aware of one other thing, the person in front of him had a male scent, something familiar that he couldn't quite place.  
    This morning came back to him, uneasy memories trickling into his awareness, each one more unwanted than the previous one. Had the man gotten the bag out of the dumpster, or had someone else discovered it? He started to shake with something else besides the cold. The familiarity of this scent... Wes? There was no other man in his life that he would recognize through smell alone. But... Wes wasn't supposed to be back, yet! He had found him here, outside of the apartment... Fear started to build in him, adrenaline shooting through his veins and, if he hadn't been fully awake already, he certainly was now. If Wes found him here, in the park... did he think that he had run away again?  
  
 _"And don't bother to try to run away when I'm gone-"_  
  
    Duo's eyes shot open as terror made his heart hammer in his chest. His entire body tensed, almost like a muscle spasm, but more intense and painful, getting ready to run if he had to, even though he knew he wouldn't be able to outrun Wes. He was bigger, with longer legs and longer stamina. And even if he _did_ escape, it would only be for a little while. Wes was too tenacious to let him go without his punishment, and he wasn't going to accept Duo's reasons for not being at the apartment. The possibility that this all might have been a trap entered his head, that Wes had never gone on any trip. He had waited for the nine year old to slip up and try to run away or do something else so he could fulfill his threat. He caught a flash of blonde hair and his vision grayed, his advanced state of fear too much for his small, tired body to cope with.  
    'He's going to pin me down and he's going to have a knife and he's going to slash my knees and I'll never be able to walk again,' he thought in a panic, so terrified that he couldn't even move to try to run away at all.  
    Worried, warm ruby eyes looked down on him, not cold, apathetic gray ones the color of stone. Duo had a moment of complete and total confusion, looking up into those familiar, blood-colored eyes. _Shi_ , his mind supplied for him, but he couldn't understand what his eyes were seeing. The teenager was crouching in front of him in a sad attempt to be at his eye, but Duo was still grateful for it. Shi still had some growing in him, probably, but he was already at Wes' height and, if Duo had woken up to him standing over him instead of crouching like he was, he would have completely panicked. But he didn't know Shi, he wouldn't know him for another two years-  
    "Hey, kiddo, are you ok?" Shi asked in concern, reminding Duo instantly of the old woman that had stopped in the heat wave to ask him if he needed help carrying the bag, but Shi was more sincere. He was actually worried about him, not because he had been taught that he should be worried in some fake social nicety, but because it was Duo, someone he knew and cared for, a friend.  
    Shi reached out and touched Duo's shoulders. If anyone else had done so, he would have bolted like a skittish, stray cat. but Shi's hands were familiar. They were strong, but they didn't grab at him. They were gentle, rough, but careful. Their warmth steadied him, stilled his heart long enough for him to think clearly.  
    He knew Shi. He had met him just three months ago, but he already called the tall blonde a friend, if only in his head, with easiness. He wasn't nine years old, he was twelve and although his face did hurt like how it had back then, it hurt in the wrong places. His lips was still split, but it was his other eye that burned and ached, and his cheek bone hurt a lot more than it had before. His wrists were heavily bruised, too. He hadn't done anything to warrant the bruises this time. Wes had simply been angry and drunk and had taken some secret thing out on him. Just like before, he would be gone for a couple of days and he hadn't given him anymore details than that. It had been hot today, too, but nothing like it had been back then. He had gone to the park, like then, to nurse his wounds and get as far away from the apartment as possible.  
    Why had he dreamed about that time? If he was being honest, he hadn't thought about any of it, Wes ordering him to get rid of the girl's body or his sadistic threat, since that day three years ago. Like now, he had woken up at some time in the night and had gone back to the apartment to wait for Wes to return home like the dog that he was. He hadn't done anything in the days Wes had been gone, he hadn't even dared to turn on the TV, too scared about making a mistake.  
    Then Wes had come home and Duo had watched him like a mouse would watch a cat, wanting him in his sight at all times. But Wes hadn't done anything and never brought up the threat again. After the first day he had been back, Duo hadn't thought of it, either. _Why_? It was like he had erased it from his mind, when he should have been constantly on the alert for Wes to show any signs that he was going to handicap him, but instead he had forgotten all about it, as though he had been almost daring Wes to do it, or even more plausible, he had been unable to cope with it. Until now, when he had dreamed about it and that queasy, squirming feeling was back in his guts, but he could feel the desire to let that nightmare fade.  
    It was scary, the realization that he had willed himself to forget, but having those things, those _words_ in his head was even worse. He had the sudden desire to throw his arms around Shi's neck and beg him to take him away, to save him from Wes, but he didn't. Not because he regained control over himself, but because he was terrified to move, to put any weight at all on his legs, just like before, as though no time at all had passed since then and now.   
It was completely ridiculous and he hated himself for being so sensitive. He was twelve years old, maybe even older, far too old to let something like a threat from Wes get to him this badly. But every time he heard those words in his head, his entire body went weak.  
    "I..." Duo struggled for some kind of explanation as he saw that Shi was getting more worked up the longer he was silent, his red eyes examining every bruise with suppressed anger, but definitely not wanting him to know what he had dreamed about. Shi acted like he was this tough ass that didn't give a shit about anything, but he was neurotic about protecting people and whenever Duo talked about Wes' abuse, Shi looked like he was getting an ulcer just from keeping his urges to kill the other blonde at bay. duo was somehow sure that, if Shi found out about what Wes had said to him all those years ago, Shi might actually try to take Wes out and get himself killed.  
    "Wes had to go away for a few days. I didn't want to spend all day in the apartment by myself."  
    "Alright, but it's dangerous to be alone here at this hour," Shi said, brow furrowed in concern, "You definitely shouldn't be sleeping here. Why don't I take you home-"  
    "No!" Duo shouted, sitting up straight, his violet eyes wide and making him look like a startled animal.  
    The thought of returning to the apartment now, whether Wes was there or not, horrified him. He didn't even know _why_. He just felt this terror and uneasiness, to the point where his head and stomach hurt. Shi's expression hardened as he saw Duo's extreme reaction of fear. Duo was afraid that he had annoyed the blonde by yelling at him, that he was going to leave him. That idea was just as frightening as trying to sleep in the apartment alone tonight.  
    He wanted to cling to Shi like a dopey little kid, to beg him not to make him go back there. He felt a need, something incredibly powerful, but one that he didn't understand and couldn't put words to. If he had been a different person, that little, olive-eyed girl, perhaps, he would have recognized it easily as the desire to beg Shi to take him with him, to stay with him, to hide him and protect him from Wes, to take care of him. But Duo had been on his own for too long, had relied on only himself, that such a desire for reliance in another person was alien to him.  
    For a brief moment, but one that was too long to be coincidental, Shi's blood red eyes flickered to Duo's legs. Duo's heart exploded in paranoia. He knew! He couldn't _possibility_ know, but he did! Why did that scare him so much? Shi's eyes were so old, so _knowing_ , like some kind of omniscient God and Duo felt like it was impossible to hide from their sharpness and understanding. he had heard the blonde prostitute call himself stupid on more than one occasion, but that wasn't true at all. Duo realized that, in his outburst, his upper body had reacted in a startled movement, retracting from Shi, but his legs hadn't moved at all. And the teenager had seen it. But he couldn't have... he couldn't understand why, could he? Something like that was impossible.  
    Just when Duo was sure that Shi was going to ask the damning question, was going to try to pry the reason for Duo's newfound fear of his own legs out of him (and he _would_ pry it out. Shi had the strange knack for getting him to tell the truth), Shi's eagle-like perusal softened to one that Duo was more used to seeing out of him, and stretched his hand out towards him.  
    "Alright. If you don't want to go there, come home with me," he said.  
    Duo stared up at him. That had been delivered neither as a question or an order. Come home with Shi... he almost protested it out right, but hesitated and knew fully that he only hesitated because he was so desperate for a solid reason not to go to Wes' place. Shi wasn't asking him to run away with him or offering a safe house. Just an alternative, a little bit of time away from that place.  
    "You've never seen my apartment, have you?" Shi caught Duo's hesitance and pressed his advantage, realizing this was about a lot more than Duo wanting to be away from his home for a little while.      
    Duo shook his head. He had always wanted to know about Shi and the others' living arrangements, truthfully, because ever since he had met them, he had wondered what it was like, being a whore, but having no pimp making all your life decisions for you, like you were too much of an invalid to be trusted to make choices.  
    "Well, it's a real shit hole," Shi laughed and Duo relaxed, enjoying the pleasant, deep sound, "Probably a lot worse than yours. The heat has been broken since the day we moved in, the electricity goes in and out like crappy wireless, and trying to get the super on the phone, let alone talk to him face to face, is like trying to get a dog to purr. But its got four walls, a floor, and a more or less intact ceiling, plus rent isn't atrocious. Want to visit for a bit? There's room for ya, and if you hate it, I can walk you back to your own-"  
    "Yes," Duo said quickly, not caring one bit how crappy Shi's apartment was, he just didn't want the blonde man to leave.  
    To his dismay, Shi withdrew his hand and Duo nearly panicked, thinking his friend was taking back his offer, but Shi merely turned so his back was to Duo and knelt back down.  
    "Wrap your arms around my neck," the blonde said.  
    "Why?" Duo asked, perplexed as to why Shi was offering to carry him, even as he felt incredibly grateful for it, his legs still feeling dead and useless.  
    Shi looked back at him and Duo was struck again by the expression _knowing_ there.  
    "Because it will be faster," Shi lied.  
    Duo flung his arms around the teenager's neck, careful that he wouldn't choke him. He flinched when Shi hooked his arms under the crook of Duo's knees, hoisting him up, but the ice cold feeling that touch gave him quickly vanished. Shi's hold on his legs didn't scare him and it wasn't threatening. Instead, it comforted his scattered nerves.  
    "All set?" Shi asked cheerfully, noticing Duo's flinch, but not voicing the hundreds of questions he had about it.  
    Duo nodded and rested his head on Shi's shoulder. AS the older prostitute walked, his long, silken hair brushed against Duo's cheek. He closed his eyes, feeling sleepy again. Shi's hair smelled of sweat, not the heavy scent that Duo's customers got after getting worked up, but a testament that Shi had had a long, strenuous day, cheap shampoo, and just as cheap cigarettes. Duo knew that he had a bad smoking habit. Whenever he stopped by their corner and Shi wasn't looking for customers, he was smoking. And every time, Shi would spot Duo there and promptly, like it was a knee-jerk reaction, snub out and toss the cig.  
    he had the same reaction whenever Yuki was around because the Japanese boy had weak lungs, but Duo had been around Wes for so long that, while he hated the smell, he didn't cough that much anymore. Duo had asked him why he wasted a cigarette like that and Shi had told him that he had no business smoking around little kids. Duo, a little bit irked by the 'little' comment, had pointed out that he breathed in second hand smoke all the time, but Shi had just responded with 'two wrongs don't make a right, kiddo. Shi's cigarettes always smelled stale and strong, obviously the cheap generic kind that Wes wouldn't dare touch because, even though his pimp was tight with his money, he always paid more for one of his biggest vices, but Duo preferred the smell of Shi's to Wes'. He didn't really understand _why_ that was, but some part of him got that it had nothing to do with smells.  
    Duo quickly found himself dozing off on Shi's back, not from exhaustion, but comfort. Being around the teenager was strange for him. Life had taught him to be very wary of boys like Shi. He loomed over him and strode in the way that a lion would, confident that this was _his_ territory and there was nothing as powerful as him to knock him down from his domain. It was the exact way Wes and Chris walked, but with a key difference. Chris' strength and dangerous aura, his dominance over the people around him had come from practice and reputation. To Wes and Shi, it was their nature, but Wes was completely aware of how people got out of his way and used it like a weapon while Shi seemed completely oblivious of his. He only used his strength when he needed to, when one of his friends was being harassed by a john or if someone was foolish enough to assume they could take him in a fight.  
    Shi smiled and joked and acted like he was a fool when he was around Duo or the twins or Yuki. He was very good at it, too, a better liar than even Wes was. But Duo remembered the night they had met, the night one of his customers had tried to kill him, and how brutally Shi had killed him. How _easily_ , just like Wes had that little girl. And how easily Shi turned to violence when something he loved was threatened.  
    Shi... the _real_ Shi, was all hard edges. Duo didn't know why he acted... brighter, easier going, but there was always a darkness in his eyes, not like Wes', which the man welcomed and embraced. Shi almost... he seemed like he was well aware that that darkness was there and he hated himself for it. But then again, what did he know? he was just a dumb kid, not even a teenager yet, and in reality, he didn't actually know the tall blonde that well. There was just something about him that felt wrong. But not bad wrong. If Duo had to place what feeling that wrongness gave him, it wasn't fear. It was sadness.  
    He _liked_ Shi. Out of all of their little group, the felt the most comfortable and friendly with Solo, who knew what it was like to have no childhood and had also spent most of h is life on the streets, and Solo's good nature was a lot more truthful and natural, but he liked all of them. Ironically, although he felt the most comfortable around Solo, he felt the _safest_ with Shi. When he was with him, he felt like anything could happen, anything could come after them, and it would be ok. Shi would make it ok.  
    He had never, not once, in his entire life had that feeling. But Shi... he could still remember how he had pinned that man to the wall like he was no more than a child. He remembered how this one man, a burly, pompous ass that had reminded Duo a great deal of Chris, had gone after Yuki, demanding a discount because Yuki had refused him, having been done for the night. He remembered how Shi had broken the man's jaw and dislocated his should and how that man, his muscles large and defined from working out in a gym, had cowered from him, terrified and all of his bravado gone. He held no illusions that Shi might win in a fight against Wes, but when it came to the rest of the world, Duo didn't feel his usual paranoia and wariness when the older boy was around. Right before he dozed off, Duo had the stray thought that maybe this was what it felt like to have a father. Briefly, another thing occurred to him, something that was bizarrely comforting and at the same time, disturbing, that Wes, much like Shi, could also conquer the violent world that Duo had grown up in, if he wanted to. All that strength... Wes could protect him. If he had the power to take away his mobility, he had the ability to protect him, too. If he wanted to.  
    Duo didn't sleep for very long and he didn't dream, not even of that dead girl's eyes. He hoped that it meant that whatever was wrong with him, whatever reason his subconscious had drug out those unpleasant memories for him to watch, was over, but he didn't hold his breath. His nightmares tended to stick around for awhile. He was shocked awake by the sound of someone screaming near him and would have fallen as he flinched, but Shi still had a sturdy grip on him and didn't mind when the twelve year old tightened his grip around his neck.  
    The yelling had come from a surly wino who was screaming obscenities at a hooker. She was watching with wild, agitated eyes, but she knew what Duo did, that the best thing you could do in a situation like this was to stand you ground, and the absolute worst was to turn your back on the instigator, like trying to run from an attacking dog. The wino quickly got pissed that the whore wasn't rising to the fight and turned blood-shot, dark brown eyes on the two of them. His face was grizzled with stubble and his cheeks were a road map of broken blood vessels, but as unpredictable and intoxicated as the man was, Duo wasn't scared of him. He had seen men just like him a thousand times, loitering on the street corners, sleeping in the alleys he had used to hide in, and selling some of Wes' cheaper, low level drugs. It seemed like the louder a person was, the less likely they would actually _do_ anything to you. he had learned that it was the quiet ones you had to watch out for. The clean ones wearing the suits and pleasant smiles.  
    Shi glared at the surly man, as if here were challenging him to start something. Duo could feel the muscles in his back tensing, ready to take him out if he had to. The man was quite drunk enough yet to take on the six foot, unfazed teenager and, grumbling, staggered off to rant at a different target. Shi continued to walk down the street as though he had such encounters every day, which was probably true. Duo very vaguely remembered this area of town. He had roamed here a few times when he had younger and food had been especially scarce. Where Wes lived wasn't exactly picturesque, but this area made it looked like the rich part of town. There wasn't a single tree or bush or other bit of green besides the chipped paint on a broken bench and some flickering neon signs. A lot of the buildings had boarded windows or were just all out condemned due to health code violations. He hadn't come here a lot because pickings were slim and people who tended to chose this part of town as their territory wouldn't think twice about snapping the neck of some scrawny kid with no gang affiliations just for daring to pickpocket in their area.  
    However, despite how dangerous this area was, not to mention overcrowded, Duo didn't wonder why Shi had chosen to live here. The street corner wasn't a part of this side of town and only the most desperate prostitutes peddled here. The kind of johns who looked for whores here were just as desperate, and more likely to just assault them and not pay, plus there were too many hookers and not enough streets, which led to a lot of... disputes. But this part of town was within walking distance of their corner and it was also the cheapest place to live in.  
    Shi entered a building that Duo had thought was derelict at first, but then saw that it was just in serious need of repairs, the brick crumbling, trash piled up on the front stairs and even in the lobby, the windows filthy, but not boarded up. It was obviously an apartment complex, but there was no doorman, no working locks, and no elevator, just a single flight of stairs and some mailboxes that were covered in several layers of cobwebs. Shi walked them to the stairs. Another possible occupant passed them and glanced at Shi, but quickly looked away and exited the building. They didn't see anyone else all the way up to the sixth floor where Shi exited the stairwell and walked down a long hallway. The tall teenager had been right, as cheap as Wes' apartment was, this building was a lot worse. more than half of the lighting fixtures didn’t work and at least a third of the ones that did flickered like something out of a horror movie. The wall paper was water damaged and peeling and there was a pervasive, moldy smell that had Duo missing the overbearing scent of Chinese food that his own apartment reeked of.  
    Shi opened the door to 613 without any kind of key, not paying any mind to the scratches on the door as if a large dog had tried to get in or how rusty the hinges were. The room marginally better than the hallway, but the improvements made all the difference. There were several scented candles lit and even some incense on a tiny table in the corner. The candles were the small, cheaply made ones that you could buy at the Save-and-Go a few blocks down that came in a six pack for four bucks and they had an obnoxiously strong floral scent. The incense, on the other hand, had a deeper smell like a mix of sage and cinnamon. The two smells, in any other place, would have clashed to create an almost nasty aroma, but after the long trek in the mildewy hallway, that smell was very welcome.  
    Shi's apartment was very sparse. There was only one bed, two chairs, a beaten and stained sofa, a tiny kitchen that looked like someone had just shoved a microwave and sink into the main room, and a small table that was covered with pieces of paper with various doodles and drawings on them, a couple of pencils, a knife, a t-shirt, and two plastic cups that needed to be washed. The room was cluttered with various bits of clothing, backpacks, a duffle bag, and other odds and ends that told Duo, along with the drawings, that Shi didn't live here by himself. There was only one window and it looked like someone had shot at it, badly cracked, but not broken.  
    Duo felt a small rush of excitement as he saw Amaaya sitting on the bed. She was immersed in a book, wearing only a black sports bra and black panties. Duo didn't know if she just didn’t care about wearing pajamas or it was just too hot, but her long legs were bare and stretched out on the bed. Her long hair was free falling, like it always was, and Duo knew from experience how hot that felt, but she didn't really seem all that bothered by the heat. For a moment, he was utterly transfixed by her tattoo. He had never seen Amaaya without a shirt on, though he had glimpsed the blue dragon coiled around left arm many, many times.  
    It was a beautiful design; a scarlet red phoenix, detailed in gold and orange flames, fought a serpentine, blue and black dragon on her back. One of the phoenix's wings and tail curled around her side and splayed over her ribs and stomach. It wasn't something you could just walk into a tattoo parlor and pick out of a book. Duo didn't know much about tattoos, but he was sure that something like that was very expensive and he had to wonder how Amaaya could have afforded it.  
    "I thought you went out to get some beer, not a walk around the world," she said dryly, not taking her eyes off her book.  
    Shi rolled his eyes and let Duo down.  
    "The market raised their prices again. I mean, yeah, there's cheaper shit, but it's more water than beer," he said in an annoyed tone, "I took a little walk cause it cooled down a little, and picked up something better than watered down alcohol."  
    That got Amaaya's attention. She put her book down and her dark blue eyes widened as she saw Duo standing there, looking unsure of himself.  
    "Duo!" she exclaimed, managing to sound happy, shocked, and subtly upset all at the same time, "What on Earth are you doing here?!"  
    She stared at Shi, accusing him of something that made her eyes look like ocean fire.  
    "His... keeper is gone for a couple of days. He doesn't want to be all alone in their apartment and I don't really blame him. I figured he could sleep here for the night," Shi said defensively, crossing his arms over his chest.  
    Duo looked up at him in shock at not having realized that Shi had invited him here to spend the night. He nearly protested, but he suddenly couldn't find the words. It didn't take much effort for him to realize that the real reason why the words weren't coming to him was because he would rather sleep in Shi and Amaaya's smelly, rundown apartment than Wes'. Duo was sure that Amaaya was going to do her own protesting, but she merely narrowed her eyes at her blonde friend, not glaring at him, but searching for something.   
    “And you could have warned me?” she gestured down at her state of undress.  
    Shi snorted.  
    “Like he cares,” he rolled his eyes, but still gave Duo a questioning glance and Duo could have sworn that the older boy looked anxious, as though he had just been scolded by his mother and was second guessing himself.  
    “I-I don’t care,” the twelve year old stuttered truthfully, finding it a bit silly for anyone in their profession to be offended or embarrassed by someone lounging in their underwear, and id if Amaaya didn’t care about Shi seeing her like that, who was straight and old enough to get those kinds of urges, why should it bother him? He was also a bit mystified at how easily Amaaya could make Shi squirm, making him look, if only for a moment, like the teenager that he was instead of an adult.   
    “At least shut the damned door,” the blue-eyed girl said to Shi irritably.  
    Shi sighed heavily, telling Duo that this was a constant battle between the two of them, but he did as she asked.  
    “I don’t know why you’re always on my ass about that when the damned lock is broken. If someone wants to start shit, that crappy door isn’t going to stop them,” he grumbled.  
    “Doesn’t mean it’s ok to advertise that fact,” she snapped, “or that I want our lovely neighbors to gawk at the inside of our apartment.”  
    “The lock is broken?” Duo asked in surprise, “But what do you do when you’re all out working? Aren’t you afraid someone will break in and steal your stuff?”  
    Amaaya laughed. It was a beautiful, clear, hearty, and most of all, honest sound. Duo had never been around a whole lot of girls in his life, but most of the ones he had laughed so... daintily, so controlled and faked, as though they were trying to conceal or force it.  
    “No, I can’t say we’ve ever been worried about that. none of us exactly have anything worth stealing. Besides, no one would dare steal from _this one’s_ apartment,” she pointed at Shi.  
    “Says the National Kickboxing and Women’s Wrestling Champion some ten years running,” Shi said cheekily.  
    “It isn’t _that_ big of a deal,” Amaaya waved him off, sitting up quickly, “Half of the women who enter those wrestling tournaments just think its going to be something like foxy boxing.”  
    “And the other half are professional athletes,” Shi pointed out, “and the Kickboxing tournaments you compete in are gender neutral, so don’t give me that shit.”  
    “Then, you’re an athlete?” Duo asked, extremely interested.  
    He hadn’t known that Amaaya participated in fighting tournaments, let alone was a national champion. That seemed like a big deal to him, but Amaaya shook her head and duo wondered if she really thought so little of her victories or Shi had just embarrassed her by bringing it up.  
    “I used to rain when I was a kid, but I don’t have the time or the space for that anymore. I just compete because it’s very good money. It helps pay for rent and this year, I hope I can win enough money to buy us a decent space heater as well,” she explained.  
    “Not to mention its helped to scare the shit out of anyone who might think about messing with us. We have a damned good territory on that street corner,” Shi told him, “Close enough to the strip club that the guys come to us after they’ve gotten all worked up, since the dancers usually aren’t allowed to hook until after their shift, but far enough away from the cheaper bars that we don’t get a lot of sleazy drunks. But keeping up the reputation of ‘the golden lion and the blue dragon,’ two people who are both crazy and dangerous, keeps other whores and their pimps from trying to take us out.”  
    Duo nodded at this. He knew this tactic from Wes. Having the reputation as someone who was ruthless and crazy, but _intelligently_ so, was all well and good. But to have some truth and power to back up that reputation was what it really took to be a threat and deterrent to those that wanted to knock you down. There were many times when Wes _could_ have just hurt someone or blackmailed them and, being as strangely attuned to the psychology of other people as he was, he could have known who would never give him any trouble again. But instead, he almost always chose to assassinate or butcher them. He did it partially because Wes was a man who truly believed that it was better to be safe than sorry, and partially because it sent a very clear message to everyone about the sort of business man he was.  
    Just take that blonde girl he had killed three years ago. She had proven not to be exactly what he had been looking for, but he could have easily stuck her in one of his brothels and benefited from her in one way or another. Instead, he had chosen to slit her throat. Duo might have hidden her body, but that was just for the cops. He was sure that, the very next day, the word had spread through all of the brothels about what happened to you if you didn’t satisfy Wes Stevens.  
    “In any case, that lock’s been broken ever since we moved in years back and no one’s stolen our shit yet, so we must be doing something right,” Shi said.  
    Despite the blonde boy’s assurances, the broken lock made Duo uneasy. It really shouldn’t. His own bedroom didn’t have a lock at all and Wes forbade him from locking any door except for the front one, so it shouldn’t make any difference, being in an apartment with a broken lock, yet he couldn’t shake this feeling of not being safe, regardless of the fact that he had never been safe, not once in his entire life.  
    “Does Solo live here, too?” he asked, distracting himself from those feelings and glancing at the artwork on the table. To his knowledge, Shi and Amaaya didn’t have any artistic skills.  
    “Yeah. A customer bought him for the whole weekend, though, so you won’t be seeing him. We usually share the bed and Amaaya gets the couch,” Shi explained.  
    “Like I would want to sleep next to any smelly boys,” Amaaya snorted in a very ‘unlady-like’ gesture.  
    “Yuki and the twins share a place and I have no idea where Hi lives. He’s so proud that, even if he was living out of a cardboard box, he’d never tell anyone, but he loves those kids of his so much, nothing but a ceiling and four sturdy walls would suffice.”  
    “Have you had anything to eat today, Duo?” Amaaya suddenly asked.  
    Duo thought hard about that, trying to remember. For a moment, he had to remind himself that he _hadn’t_ throw up that breakfast this morning, but three years ago. Wes hadn’t made him anything today and he was actually grateful for that. It helped to ground him in the present.  
    “Just some cereal early this morning,” he confessed, “I haven’t gone back to the apartment since then and I don’t have any money to buy anything. Wes didn’t give me permission to eat any of the food at the apartment anyway.”  
    This entire time, ever since Shi had told Amaaya that Duo was staying the night, Amaaya had seemed hesitant, as though she was mulling over something very heavy and difficult, and had kept sneaking glances at Shi, making Duo wonder if she was trying to keep an eye on him or was judging his reactions, perhaps even trying to figure out what he was thinking. With Duo’s proclamation, not even realizing that he had just told them that he had to have Wes’ permission in order to eat anything, her expression hardened and she looked very convinced of something. Duo hadn’t even thought about what he was saying, it had just come blurting out. He wondered about what else they didn’t know about his life with Wes. He had been talking about Wes like he was only his pimp and bully. He had never told them about the rapes. There were times when Duo was sure that Shi had figured that out, but the rest of them seemed completely oblivious.  
    “Go get us some pizza,” Amaaya ordered Shi.  
    “Hey! Why do _I_ have to do it?!” Shi demanded before Duo could protest that they didn’t have to buy him any food, in fact, the idea kind of horrified him for some reason, “You’ve been lounging around all day while I was out with three customers _and_ I had to go out and buy parts to fix the fridge!”  
    “And they took you to an air conditioned hotel room while I was here in this heat wave,” she snapped back at him, “Besides, I want to talk to Duo for a bit.”  
    “Amaaya...” the blonde warned, sounding incredibly annoyed.  
    She sighed and fished some money that had been stashed under the mattress and tossed it at Shi.  
    “The two of us are hungry, so go make yourself useful, blondie. I’m paying for it, so quit bitching.”  
    He glared at her, but left, more because he knew that Duo needed something to eat than because he didn’t have to pay for it. If he was going to drag the kid to his place, he was going to bloody well take care of him. Duo fidgeted once Shi had closed the door behind him. Shi and Solo were the only ones of this group that he had spent any time all alone with and he felt very awkward in this apartment, wanting to know what he was, and was not, allowed to touch, do, sit on... In a way, it was easier with Wes. At least he knew what the rules were and how to act with him.   
    Well, sometimes. Wes had the habit of punishing him for obscure things, or outright changing the rules, if he was bored or in a certain mood, so there really was no certainty in living with him. But as terrible as that was, it was even scarier not knowing what to do entirely. There was something completely terrifying about not having any purpose. Even with that horrifying threat he had issued... in some ways, it was better this way. Being with Wes.  
    With Wes, he had a job, he was _useful_. Before him, all there had been day to day was doing anything he could to get some food in his belly. There had been no use to him for anybody but himself and there had been a few times, as he had gotten older and been more aware of things like that, when he had asked himself what the point of his life was. To steal and beg and eat? It had been a confusing, painful question. He got Wes money and Wes took care of him. There was something really simple about that. Understandable, even for an uneducated idiot like him. Wes controlled his life, his ability to live and die, and while that was ugly and terrifying, he had been doing a shitty job at both of those things for as long as he could remember. When Wes had first kidnapped him, all he could think about was getting away from him. But for the past three years, not only had he come to realize that that was impossible, he had to wonder what he would do if he succeeded. He would still be stuck with all of his bad memories, just trying to survive and spending the rest of his life in fear that Wes would find him.  
    Simply, he couldn’t remember why it was so important to get away from that place. Nothing would change. There would always be someone who wanted to hurt him, rape him and treat him like an animal. At least Wes knew what he was doing and, as long as Duo didn’t piss him off, wouldn’t shove him off to a whore house or have him fucked to death. In that way, Shi and the other’s lives were scary.  
    “Sweetie,” Amaaya spoke, jolting Duo out of his thoughts, her voice a little bit tight as she realized how close to a panic attack he was, overwhelmed by this strange, unknown situation by his tense body language and white face, “come here.”  
    Unknown to him, at that moment in time at least, having a command thrown at him eased his anxiety and he joined her on the bed, that feeling of uncertainty and nervousness around the tanned girl fading completely, as if he suddenly remembered that they were friends and he had absolutely no reason to be wary here.  
    “Let me see,” she urged, touching Duo’s face and tilting his head up, so he could get a good look at his injuries.  
    Duo had forgotten about the bruises and contusions, so used to the constant aches and pains from Wes' ire and punishments. Amaaya's fingers were gentle as she lightly touched the dark bruises on his cheek and eye that had caused a bunch of blood vessels to burst, making the wounds look even uglier, causing only the tiniest spark of pain. It even felt good in a way.   
    "Did he hurt you anywhere else?" she asked softly.  
    She didn't ask who had hurt him. It was easy to assume that a customer could have done it, but she just seemed to know that it had been Wes. She also didn't ask why he had hit him, for which Duo was grateful. It was the most automatic and natural of questions, but also the least important and that she understood that marked her forever to him. She had been hit before, too, and not just during one of her tournaments. She knew what it was like to be asked a question like that, a question to settle someone's curiosity and nothing more, a question that only made you remember the pain more acutely. He held up his wrists, showing her the deep bruises there where Wes had grabbed him and threw him into the wall.  
    "My back and ribs hurt a little," he told her honestly, now feeling at ease with her, "but not that much. I don't think he cracked them."  
    "Do you mind if I check?" she asked.  
    He shook his head. It was probably a good idea, even if they didn't feel cracked or broken. Wes only got him a doctor when his injuries were so bad, he could perform, and sometimes minor injuries like these got really bad, little by little, from negligence. Amaaya slid her hands over the sides of his chest, pressing her fingers into the skin through his shirt, feeling his ribs and judging his level of pain. It wasn't until she pressed down very hard that he felt any pain bad enough to wince, which satisfied her.   
    "Just bruised, I think," the black haired girl said, but she looked sad.  
    Duo settled on the bed next to her, feeling this odd sense of... calm fall over him. Back at Wes' apartment, he was always on alert. Sometimes, the blonde would bring important men there to fuck him, or they would talk about business loudly, swearing and yelling. Even when it was just the two of them, he never felt any peace and quiet. That was what had drove him out of that place today, hadn't it? Three years ago, he had felt completely incapable of staying in that place, like his heart might explode if he had to be there, but today he had made the conscious decision to stay away. Even with Wes gone, he had felt the same way, that he always had to be on guard. This place certainly wasn't peaceful or quiet; he could hear the people next door screaming at each other and some loud music being played outside, but he felt at ease for some reason, like he had somehow escaped from Wes, if only for a night. And he was suddenly very glad that he was spending the night here.   
    The two of them were silent for a long time, but the silence was very companionable and Duo was about to doze off where he sat when Amaaya spoke up again.  
    "Can I ask you something?" she murmured, looking down at the floor.  
    Duo nodded at her.  
    "Shi said he picked you up..." Amaaya started, speaking very cautiously and hesitantly, as though she was deliberately picking out every word.      
    "I was in the park," he told her, not knowing why that was important, but she seemed relieved by it.  
    "And when you told him that you didn't want to go back to the apartment, and he offered for you to come here, did he... did he seem odd to you? I mean, did he say or do anything strange?"  
      
 _'He knows!'_  
      
    Duo shook his hesitantly. Shi always did strange things around him.  
    "Not really..." he muttered.  
    "He only told you that you could spend the night?" she pressed, and the question sounded very urgent.   
    He nodded and felt bad when Amaaya sighed heavily, wondering if he should have told her truth, how Shi had made him feel when he had looked down at his legs, as though he could see into his soul.  
    "I know you don't understand. You understand more, and have more maturity, than anyone your age has any right to have, but you're still a child. Shi... he oversteps his boundaries around you. He doesn't think rationally or make the smart choice. You... remind him of someone, someone he lost a very long time ago," she told him, but looked and sounded more like she was talking to herself. Her words made something click in his head.  
    "You think that he's going to try to hide me from Wes, or do something else stupid because he wants to help me, and he's going to end up hurt or dead because of it," he guessed.   
    This wasn't the first time he had thought that about Shi. The tall blonde just got so angry on his behalf sometimes. He hadn't been aware that Shi had lost someone, and that he reminded him of that person, but since the moment they had met, Duo had sensed that Shi was always a hair's breath away from snapping and trying to 'save' him. Amaaya glanced at him, startled that he had guessed her fears so adequately.   
    "Shi can be compulsive," she said sadly, "and he never thinks of himself. He's my best friend, as odd as I still find that, and I don't want to lose another person I care about because he can't get over his ghosts. I know that must sound horrible to you-"  
    "No!" Duo protested, "I don't want him to die because of me, I don't want _any_ of you to get hurt because you think you need to help me. You don't."  
  
 _'No one needs to help me. There's no point in helping me. I'm not worth it.'_  
  
    "There isn't anything he can do," he desperately tried to convince her, "Wes is really good at tracking things and he doesn't care who he has to hurt. He doesn't even care if I'm useful to him. All he would care about was that someone had gotten in his way. He'd kill you and Shi and everyone else, even people you cared about, just to send a message. Helping me isn't worth that."  
    Amaaya looked incredibly pained by that. She wanted to refute that trying to help him _was_ worth it, because she knew what he meant by not. Not that it was foolish to risk all their lives when all they would do was make it worse, but that his safety and freedom was worthless. It wasn't, but at the same time, she knew that he was right. She had never paid any attention to local politics, but Shi and Solo had told her plenty of stories about Wes Stevens ever since Duo had told them who his pimp was, so she knew that the likelihood of them making a positive difference in the boy's life was very slim. They would have to get him far, far away, and hide him well. And even if they managed that, what then? Shi and Solo and herself had argued on this point many times.   
    The best thing for Duo was a family, one that could give him everything he might need, and they could never be that family. They were struggling just to support themselves. What would Duo do with them? Just sit around the apartment all day while they were out whoring? Public school might be free, but none of the stuff that he needed for it was, and Duo had never gone to school before, she didn't even think he had basic math skills, let alone middle school level. Besides, no matter where they took him, they would always end up in a crappy place like this, which was no place for a child.     She might always scold Shi for getting involved with Duo, for going out of his way when all he was doing was getting his heart broken, but that didn't mean that she didn't understand or that she was blaming Duo for it. She wanted to help him, too, and knowing that she couldn't was incredibly painful and humbling, and she didn't have Shi's... history. Amaaya was just worried that the day would come when Shi would have to face up to that fact and it was going to do a lot more damage than any of them could fix. So, when Shi showed up in the late hours of the night with the boy, how else was she supposed to react? It just made her feel like a shitty human being, that she couldn't get Duo away from that monster, and that she couldn't keep her best friend from hurting himself with this situation.  
    She placed her hand over his, and for a moment, how small and thin that hand was made her heart hurt.   
    "But I wish that we could," she said and it was the best that she could do.   
    Although those words sounded so completely weak and pathetic and selfish to her, they made Duo smile, as much as his split lip and bruises would allow. It made something deep inside of him hurt for a moment, just knowing that there was someone in the world that _wanted_ to save him. He didn't care if they could or not, he wasn't that childish, to think that anyone could make that kind of difference in his life, but there were so many people that knew about his situation, and this small group of whores were the only ones who actually wanted his life to be better than that.   
    "How much do you know how to read, Duo?" the black haired girl asked, not wanting to talk about Shi behind him back anymore, it made her feel like she was betraying him somehow.  
    "A little," he murmured, slowly kicking his legs back and forth in embarrassment.  
    He really didn't like talking about it. He hadn't even told Wes that he had figured out how to read. The man got mad about the strangest things sometimes. And there was something deep inside of him that always told him that telling the man he could understand all those numbers and letters now, that he had gone out of his way to teach himself something so it wouldn't limit him anymore, would be a very, very bad idea. Maybe even something that Wes would kill him for, though he still didn't know why, it was just a feeling. His lack of education had never really bothered him when he had been young and living on the streets. What would a kid like him do with school anyway?   
    But as he had gotten older, he had started to think about it more and more, and the fact that he couldn't do a lot of things that most kids his age could, like math and reading, made him feel ashamed. At first, he had tried to read the things around the apartment to distract himself from his day to day life, but he had quickly discovered how much he loved reading, even little things like signs and brochures.   
    "I can read most things. Except for... for..." he struggled with what he wanted to say. This was another reason why he desperately wanted to go to school, there were things and words that he just didn't know, or they wouldn't come to him easily, and it made him feel stupid since, most of the time, they were common words that everyone else seemed to know, "that weird writing..."  
    He tried to think of the word. He _knew_ the damned word, he had heard people say it and it should come automatically, but it _wasn't_! The harder he tried to think of it, hot pain burst like camera flashes in his head. This happened sometimes in situations like this, if he knew that there was something hidden, something that he should know, _had_ to know, but when he tried to dig it out, it felt like his skull was splitting wide open. Amaaya watched in alarm as Duo squeezed his eyes shut in pain, but before she could ask him what was wrong, he raised one hand and moved it in the air in a fluid gesture, as though he were signing some invisible piece of paper in a twisted, winding script in utter frustration.  
    "Cursive," she guessed.  
    Duo opened his eyes and nodded, relieved and grateful that she had gotten it right.  
    "I can add a little, too. But that thing, with the x... I don't know how to that. Wes does it sometimes, when he's calculating money and stuff, but I don't get it," he confessed uneasily.  
    He dreaded that she was going to ask him _why_ he wanted to learn something like that. After all, he was just a whore, and Wes took care of anything he would need math to know. It wasn't even an issue of him needing it for anything. He wanted to know how to do something like that because it was a normal thing for him to know, something that he should know. Also, he wanted to see if he _could_ learn something so basic. He wanted to know if Wes was right, that he was too stupid to be taught anything except how to fuck.   
    "Would you like to learn?" Amaaya asked softly.  
    Duo stared up at her with wide, violet eyes, then nodded shakily.  
    "Y-yes," he said, hope blooming in his chest.  
    Amaaya walked over to the table and grabbed a fresh scrap of paper and a pencil, returning back to the bed. She placed the piece of paper over her book so the pencil wouldn't poke holes in the paper and wrote something on it. It was three 2's, in a vertical line. She drew a line under them and next to the bottom two, a + mark that Duo knew meant you were supposed to combine all of them.   
    "What's two plus two plus two?" she asked.  
    "Six," he said, the answer coming to him automatically unlike the word 'cursive'.  
    This made Amaaya smile.  
    "Very good," she said and Duo felt a little bit of confidence. It was a feeling that he couldn't put any words to because he had never actually felt anything like it before, "Now, how many 2's are there?"  
    "Three," he said, confused about why she was asking something that obvious.  
    On the paper, she wrote 2 x 3. This looked very familiar to Duo and he looked at it in fascination. It looked like some kind of alien language, but he thought that he was starting to understand it a little bit.  
    "Say you had to figure out what 2+2+2+2+2+2+2 was," she surmised, "That would be kind of silly, writing out that huge line of numbers, wouldn't it?"  
    He nodded.   
    "And what's the answer to that one?"  
    He thought about it a little bit longer, but this also came easily to him.  
    "14."  
    "That's right," she congratulated, "But instead of writing that long line just to get to that answer, people decided to shorten it. How many two were there in that?"  
    "7."  
    "And there were three two's being added together to make 6. In other words, two is being added by itself three times to equal six, and two added by itself seven times equals fourteen. That's what that X means, times. So, anytime you see 2x3 or 2x7, all you're doing is adding the first number the amount of times of the second number. Or, you could even do it backwards. If you added three to itself twice, it would equal the same as adding two three times, and the same goes for adding seven twice. That's all multiplication is, a quicker way to add large strings of the same number," she informed him and watched happily as Duo's eyes widened even more, knowing that he understood everything she was telling him.  
    "That's neat," he looked at the paper, suddenly understanding those bits of alien language as though he had known them all along. It seemed so simple to him now and it excited him to know that the next time he saw Wes equating his profits, he might actually be able to figure them out, too.   
    Amaaya continued to write more of those numbers and symbols; 2x4, 2x5, 2x6, 2x7, and so on, all the way up to 4x9.   
    "Now, I want you to tell me how to figure these ones out," she told him, handing him the pencil.  
    As they waited for Shi to come back, they worked on the problems together, over and over, until Duo was able to easily remember how much anything up to 4x9 was. Before they could move on to the fives, Shi opened the door, his arms full of boxes of pizza and bags of French fries and soda.   
    "Can I keep this?" Duo whispered to Amaaya as Shi cleaned off the table of Solo's drawings to lay out the food. The thought of Shi finding out about their little math lesson embarrassed him somehow.  
    "Of course," Amaaya said quietly and Duo wondered if she understood that he wanted to keep this just between the two of them.  
    He quickly folded up the paper and put it in his shorts' pocket, reminding himself to hide it very well when he got back to the apartment.  
    "Ok, we got a cheese pizza, meat lovers, and veggie. Which would you like, Duo?"  
    "Cheese, please," the twelve year old said politely. He wanted to protest that he didn't need any pizza, since he had hadn't paid for any of it, but he recognized the name on the pizza boxes. It was a good pizza joint, further east from here. Wes got take out from there from time to time. It was a little more expensive than the other quick pizza take out places, but the pizzas weren't dripping with grease and the pepperoni weren't rubbery. It was also very out of the way for Shi to be walking, and it was no wonder why he had taken so long. From Amaaya's amused, slightly surprised expression, they didn't usually get food from there. He didn't want to be rude and tell Shi not to give him any.  
    "I thought so," the blonde grinned, "And what kind of soda? We've got coke, sprite, and orange soda."  
    "Maybe something _without_ caffeine," Amaaya glared at Shi, who looked guilty at for getting that Duo was really too young for that.  
    Duo didn't tell them that, after all the drugs Wes gave him, caffeine wasn't a big deal. He didn't like coke anyway.  
    "Orange soda!" he chirped.  
    The last time Wes had allowed him to eat pizza with him, he had given him some and he had liked it a lot.  
    "Good choice," the tall teenager grabbed some plastic cups from the kitchen and filled them up with soda.   
    Amaaya glanced at the bottles of soda he had gotten, looking for a telling bottle of alcohol among the bunch, but couldn't find one. Shi poured himself an orange soda, too, not even bothering with the caffeinated coke, and Amaaya gave him an approving look. Shi rolled his eyes at her, but handed her and Duo their dinner, then sat down next to Duo on the bed. Duo couldn't smell that faint scent of cigarettes anymore, it was masked by the heavier aroma of the pizza and fries. The second the plate of food was in his hands and the smell hit him full force, he thought that his stomach was going to turn cannibal and try to eat itself.   
    He realized, distantly, that some part of him should feel some hesitance and fear at eating on this bed. Wes would kill him if he ever caught him eating on either of their beds, since it would mean wasting time going to the Laundromat if Duo spilled something, and to Wes, Duo was too stupid and clumsy _not_ to spill something. The man wasn't exactly a prissy, clean fanatic, but he wouldn't tolerate someone fucking with his things, even a few sheets. But he didn't really think about it and it didn't gnaw at him, the way things usually did when Wes had hit him over them in the past. Like arguing with his elders or making too much noise. Amaaya and Shi had never so much as raised their voices to him before, even when he did something bad.   
    It was the best meal he had ever had in his entire life. The pizza was exactly amazing or anything, better than the others had had had, but typical take out stuff, not that an ex-street kid like him had any clue what great pizza tasted like, but it tasted absolutely delicious to him. he had heard this saying once, that great company made the food taste better, or something along those lines, and Duo thought that that might be true.  
    As they ate their dinner, all squeezed together on the small bed, Amaaya on his right and Shi on his left, they told him of adventures and people they had met before they had become whores. Like this man Shi used to travel with when he had been younger, a very tall, intimidating, hard-assed ex-soldier named fox that had had long, red-brown hair with snow-white tips, looking exactly like a red fox's tail. One night, Shi had discovered that his assumption that Fox had dyed his hair to suit his name had been completely wrong and his hair color was actually natural. Fox had found Shi's shock over this quite funny, but Shi had gotten him back tenfold. Fox had, Shi told them with a superior smirk, assumed from the moment they had met that Shi was somewhere around 17 to 19 years old, based on his looks and maturity. After four months of traveling together, Shi had finally let slip to him that he was actually _thirteen._ Fox had been absolutely horrified by this, although Shi had never confirmed that he had been any older.   
    All of their stories were light hearted, some of them funny and ironic. But they were also half-truths. Duo figured out very quickly that the two f them were only divulging the positive parts of their pasts and hiding the darker things. Like how Shi stubbornly stayed far away from the reason why Fox had no longer been in the military, despite being perfectly fit. Duo also realized ,from the way Shi had told the story and how scandalized Amaaya had looked, hearing that Shi had actually been thirteen at the time, that he and Fox had had a consensual, sexual relationship.   
    This revelation bewildered Duo a great deal. Sex was disgusting. It was humiliating, filthy, and it _hurt_. Why would Shi ever _let_ someone do that to him, or, possibly, keep his age a secret to let Fox _keep_ having sex with him if he was one of those guys that wasn't into kids and younger teenagers? Maybe it had been a trade. Maybe Fox had paid him or had been giving him food or shelter. It was the only possibility that made any sense to him.   
    Even though he spent more time around grownups than any kids his age, Shi's actions, like the actions of every person that was older than him, remained a mystery to him. He should be annoyed, perhaps even angry (although it had been years since he had last felt that particular emotion) that Amaaya and Shi were keeping things from him, that they thought he was so emotionally fragile they needed to protect him from their own pasts and problems, but the truth was that he was tired of the dark things. It felt incredibly good to smile and laugh with them, even if his laughter was tempered and guarded.  
    An hour later, Duo's stomach was fuller than it had been in a very, very long time, but he hadn't quite stuffed himself to sickness. Even as Shi had talked and listened to Amaaya's own stories, the teenager had been keeping a close eye, almost instinctively, on how much Duo was eating.  
    'Shi would make a good daddy,' Duo suddenly thought and was startled by that declaration, looking so confused that Shi, unnecessarily, elaborated on what he had just said.   
    What did he know about daddies? He didn't remember if he had ever had one of his own. The only fathers he knew were the ones that paid to fuck him. And when they opened their leather wallets to give him their money, he caught mere glimpses o photos of their children, a bit older or younger or perhaps the same age as he was, all wearing clean, pressed clothes and clean, pressed smiles.  
    The only man in this world he could call his dad was Wes and that was because he had told him, if anyone asked him such a question, to call him that. He had even taken Wes' last name. Calling the blonde pimp his daddy made his blood curdle, but at the same time, Wes did some fatherly things for him like making him lunch and teaching him things he should have been taught years ago but that was as close to having a dad he was _ever_ going to get. But still, when he looked at Shi, he just _knew_. If Shi ever ended up getting a family, planned or not, he would be amazing at it.  
    Duo kept such thoughts to himself as Shi and Amaaya put the leftover food away, presumably for Solo when he got home. He didn't know about his two friends, but he was exhausted. The heat had stolen what little energy he had had and he always felt sleeping those few times he had had a full stomach. But the bed was tiny, how they managed to get two people in it was a miracle. As small as he was, there was just no way all three of them were going to squeeze into it. And Amaaya had said that she didn't like sleeping next to guys. He just knew that they were going to insist that he share the bed with one of them, but he didn't want to force Shi or Amaaya to sleep on the couch. He was just about to suggest that he take the couch, because he was the smallest by far, so he wouldn't hurt his back or neck in it the way one of them would, when Shi gestured for Duo to stand up. Duo did so and watched, perplexed, as Shi and Amaaya lifted the beaten-up mattress off the frame and put it on the ground.  
    "This way," Shi explained, getting a old, rolled up futon from under the bed, probably used when one of their other friends slept over or something, "no one has to sleep on that old, nasty couch."  
    Duo felt a twinge of guilt for having to make them go through all this trouble for his sake, but didn't speak up about it.  
    "I thought you said you didn't like to sleep with boys?" he asked Amaaya as he sat down on the middle of the lumpy mattress.  
    "Well," she smiled warmly at him, "I'll make an exception in your case, sweetheart."  
    She ruffled his hair and sat down on his left. This made him incredibly happy, although he would never say so. Shi set up the futon on the right side of the bed so it would serve as an extension of the mattress and walked over to the far wall, flicking the lights off. The apartment was bathed in a coming and going darkness, a neon sign whose light flickered on and off sending flashes of light every now and then. Shi flopped down on the futon with a big sigh. Amaaya and Duo followed him, laying down and trying to get comfortable, Duo rolling onto his right side, facing Shi. Even with the futon, there wasn't a whole lot of room to move and he could feel Amaaya's breasts brushing against his back. It was a strange and unfamiliar feeling to him.  
    "Do you mind?" Shi asked politely as he lightly threw his arm over Duo's waist.  
    Duo was shocked into silence for a moment. No one ever gave him choices, ever allowed him to chose, at least nothing important to him, especially nothing like this, a simple touch. Maybe, compared to what Wes forced him to do, this seemed far too small, but to him, it was something that mattered. Shi's arm was just laying there, not grabbing him or crushing him to his chest. It wasn't trapping him and, if he got uncomfortable with it, he could get out of the almost embrace very easily, and Shi wasn't like Wes. He wouldn't pretend like Duo had this small amount of freedom, only to pin him down, trap him the second he tried to move away.   
    "You might as well let him, Duo," Amaaya said, "Shi has this bad habit of cuddling the nearest warm body when he's asleep."  
    Shi glared at her over Duo's head, but she just smirked at him.  
    "I don't mind," Duo said, blushing a little at the thought of Shi cuddling anyone.  
    And he didn't mind at all. Shi's body was pleasantly warm, which, even in the muggy heat, was oddly comforting, and his arm wasn't as muscled and heavy as Wes' was, but it still felt very strong. Shi didn't strike him as the kind of person who slept easily or soundly, he always seemed alert, but the tall boy was deeply asleep in minutes, a relaxed, almost content look on his face, his chin resting on the top of Duo's head.  
  
 _"You... remind him of someone, someone he lost a very long time ago."_   
  
    Duo blinked in the spasmodic darkness. He wasn't sure what that had to do with Shi's sleep habit's, but some part of him did sense the connection there. About ten minutes later, Duo felt Amaaya drift off in how she relaxed against him. But, as tired as he was, he didn't fall asleep right away. Something was still nagging at him, keeping him awake. He felt like he was forgetting something, something important. Something felt wrong.  
    'They didn't lock the door,' he suddenly realized.  
    And just like that, the feeling of wrongness intensified, the wrongness that only came when an old ritual was broken. Every single night, before Wes went to bed, Duo was expected to do certain things, unless he was out on a job. Put dinner away. Do the dishes. Lock the door. Turn off the lights. And almost every night, he would then go find Wes in his room and let him do whatever he wanted to do to him. When he was finished, sometimes Wes would keep him with him and duo would lie awake in the bigger bed until the pain made him black out or Wes' deep snoring lulled him to sleep, something that had taken him a very long time to get used to, but most of the time, he would shove him out of bed and Duo would go to his own bedroom.  
    'They put away the food,' Duo thought, 'And I guess they'll wash the plates and cups tomorrow, even though they’re the kind you're supposed to throw away, to save a little money. They turned the lights out like you're supposed to, but they never locked the door.'  
    He realized then that, what was _really_ nagging at him was that the broken lock, the utter lack of safety, had quickly stopped bothering him. Anyone could burst in as the three of them slept and gun them down, realistically, he knew that Shi's and Amaaya's reputations only gave them an illusion of safety which was as sturdy as wet paper. But that knowledge didn't make even a single spark of fear go through him. And _that_ was what bothered him. He pushed the feeling aside as he started to drift off into the deepest sleep he would ever have for many years, but it stayed there, on his bare consciousness. In there, it grew into a bitter, inescapable depression.  
    In this terrible part of town, where robberies and violent crimes happened every day, in this apartment with a broken lock and a bullet hole in the window, laying between two unarmed whores, he felt completely safe and protected.  
    And Duo felt something else. A completely new emotion that he had nothing to compare to, no words that could help him to describe it, and it wouldn't be until three years later that he would feel it again.  
    He felt loved.  
  
*****  
    Without having realized that he had done it, at some point when he had been recalling all of this in his small, dark prison, Duo had somehow managed to retrieve Yuki's hair ribbon from his pocket and was rubbing it with all of the sacredness and subconscious desperation that a nun would her rosary beads while praying. His memories sickened him, but for once, he was not shocked, scared, or startled by them.  
    Lately, he had been remembering a lot of things like this. Sister Helen, the first time he had met Shi, these memories had come bubbling out of the dark, secret places inside of him where they had been hidden for many years, as though Wes reinserting himself into his life had opened some locked chest in his head. Some of those things he had forgotten because of the blow to his head that Wes had given him, but others he had forgotten simply because they hurt too much to remember, and he understood, at least a little, that a person could only hold in a certain amount of pain, just enough poison, before they either broke or it came spilling out. Or, sometimes, they chose to forget.   
    But these memories were different. He had never forgotten about them, neither Wes' cruel threat to cut his knees if he tried to run away again or how safe and loved he had felt being with Shi and Amaaya, like opposites sides of a coin. Why he hadn't forgotten, at the very least, his terror at the thought of becoming a cripple when he had forgotten about Sister Helen's kindness mystified him, but whenever he had tried to recall those hidden memories, he had always been overcome with a hot, agonizing pain in his skull. These memories, he could have recalled at anytime. But he hadn't.  
    They had always been there, on the surface, but he had refused to look at them. Perhaps he had done it for the same reason he had forgotten those other memories, for his mental survival, because he had been afraid of breaking entirely, remembering the extent of the violence and evil that the man he lived with, the man he was still torn between loving and hating was not only capable of, but thoroughly _enjoyed_. Or that, for a moment when his world had seemed completely dark and hopeless, he had known what it felt like to have a family, a moment that, at the time, he had truly believed he would never experience again. Thinking of that, a shot of complete and total pain went through his heart, remembering how untrue that belief had ended up being.  
    He remembered the next morning, both after he had disposed of the little girl's body and the sleepover he had had with Shi and Amaaya as clearly as he remembered everything else. He remembered returning to the apartment both times without any hesitation, as though twenty four hours had healed everything. After accomplishing Wes' awful chore, he had returned the morning after, like a lamb returning to the lion's den that it had somehow managed to escape from. His heart had been thundering and he had felt so sick but he had stayed there and waited for Wes to come home like a good little puppy.  
    Duo curled his fist around the ribbon. Wes had threatened to take away his livelihood, just because it was _convenient_ for him. Knowing that, Duo had realized how little his life meant to the man as well. If it became 'convenient' for him, he would slit his throat without a second thought. _But he had come back_. Wes hadn't dragged him back that time, hadn't threatened him at gun point, he had returned to the apartment of his own free will. His life had been in danger, wouldn't the normal response had been to run away, to fight back?   
    He had been terrified of Wes, or him hurting him or putting a bullet in his skull, neither things he had any control over. So, his response had been to do nothing? He had gone back to a potentially lethal situation because... because why? His life had already been in danger from Wes' cruelty, what difference would running away make? At least, if he had tried to run, he would have had a tiny chance at freedom. Hell, he could have found a way to break open one of Wes' cabinets and gotten a gun. he could have waited for Wes to open the front door, then shot him in the face. Wes was a powerful human monster, but he wasn't a God. He wasn't immortal.  
    He hadn't fought back. Wes had done, and threatened to do, some truly horrible, inhumane things to him. Most normal people would be enraged by that treatment, they would have reacted like a trapped animal and lashed out against Wes. They would have tried anything to escape. Duo had done nothing. He had willingly put himself in danger, ignoring Wes' threat to him like he had never said it. In that moment, laying there in Wes' closet, clutching his murdered friend's hair ribbon, Duo hated himself more than he was ever, or would ever be, capable of hating Wes.   
    What sort of other, awful things would he have let Wes do to him. What other things would he have done for him at a single demand? All his thoughts and hesitance were useless, because in the end, he had always done what he was told. He had returned back into that poisonous situation over and over again, because at least he had someone to return home _to_. Even if that person hurt him, Wes still saw _him_. He wasn't just a ghost to him. And Wes could give him anything, could protect him against anything, as long as he wanted to. he had done this to himself.  
    Maybe Heero was right and he had never deserved the abuse, but he was wrong in thinking that none of this was his fault. He had gone back to his abuser because of fear and childish reliance. And here he was, thinking about doing it again like a terrible, old addiction. After all of this time, all the things he had gained and lost, all of the people he now loved and loved him in return, Wes could no longer be his only link to humanity, his only connection to life. It was pitiful and he was so sick of feeling pathetic and hating himself for that dependency on his rapist. He wanted more out of his life. Back then, if not the very first night Wes had raped him, then after Wes had threatened him and went on his trip, he should have at least tried to run away. He should have tried to regain his freedom, to be strong and brave for the first time in his life.   
    But the cold reality was that he hadn't thought that way, that he _deserved_ that freedom, that running away from Wes was even an option and that he might be running to something better, until he had met Heero. There had been nothing else, just Wes, and pain, and whoring. All those other things were for people better than him. It wasn't until Heero had come into his life that he had started to wonder... to _crave_ a different life. A life with friends like Heero.  
    All this time, he had been giving Heero and Name all of the credit for getting away from Wes, for giving him this new and wonderful life, had ignored his own role in all of this. They might have given him a home and a chance at continuing school, love and understanding, but he had been the one to take those first, faltering steps down that road, no one else. Deciding to try to be friends with Heero had been risky, but when he had agreed to sleep over his house that one time, he had crossed the line. That decision had been unforeseen, and rather miraculous, thinking back on it now. The person he had been back then should have said no, knowing that that was what Wes would have wanted him to say. In fact, he probably would have broken off the friendship right there, coming to his senses and realizing that someone like him could never have a normal friend. But there had just been something about Heero... some quality in his eyes or kind smile, or perhaps how the older boy had been so interested in him, so stubborn about wanting to be his friend, he wasn't sure... for the first time since that day he had tried to run away, so many years ago, he had rebelled against Wes.   
    For whatever reason, Duo had taken that first step away from Wes. He had known how furious his pimp would be when he eventually came home, had known that doing it would most likely get him killed or worse, but he had gone anyway. And the entire time, all he had been able to think about was the possibility of being away from Wes. How wonderful it was. It was something he had never been able to understand or even conceive of before then. If he hadn't taken that first step, Duo truly believed that, even if Name had shown up out of the blue to take him away from his abuser, he never would have willingly left.   
    Being with Heero had been painful, after all those years with Wes, the Japanese boy had somehow woken up his heart. He had made him want things, dangerous, powerful things. He had made him do things that were completely out of character for him, things that were liable to get him killed and take risks. When Heero had found out about his deal with Zechs, he hadn't run away from school because he had been afraid that Heero would dig too deep and discover that their classmate wasn't the only one he was whoring himself out to. He had run away because Heero's anger and disdain had been too painful for him to bear. After all the degradation and torture and rapes that Wes had thrown at him, Heero had been the one who had hurt him the most.  
    Why he had run away from Wes after that, having nothing to run to and knowing the penalty if Wes caught him. Still mystified him. In the past, the mere thought of it would have scared it right out of him. Not only that, but he had _allowed_ Name to take him in. He could have protested or run away from hospital, back to Wes, but he had let her take care of him, to mother him as he pretended that Wes was in some far away world he dare not look at or touch. Why, after all of these years, had he decided to run away from him for good in that exact moment? Because he had been too sick and hurt to deal with the rest of the world on his own? Because his near death had finally scared him into decision? Or was it something else, something much more powerful, born from Name's maternal nature and seeing a light at the end of a very long, very dark tunnel for the very, very first time in his fifteen years of life.  
    He could have continued on, staying with Wes forever. but for the first time, he had put enough of his rare and tentative trust in other people to run away. Even more incredible, he had put enough trust in _himself_ to _**stay** _ away. He could have gone back, so overwhelmed by the fear of this new life and his fears that he wasn't good enough for it, but he hadn't. At some point, it had stopped being about not wanting to be Wes' whore anymore and started to be about wanting to be a part of Heero's family and creating something special for himself. A home and a future. Things that, before now, he had given little thought to because he had truly believed he didn't deserve such things.  
    Duo curled up into a tight ball and smelled Yuki's ribbon. It had been months since Amaaya had gifted him with it, but he still didn't think of it as his. Yuki was dead, but it was still _his_. Duo had been wearing it ever since, but it didn't smell like himself. The faint, but unmistakable scent of Yuki's hair lingered on it, like a ghost. Sometimes, when Duo took the ribbon off to wash or comb or tie his hair, his guilt and grief and longing to see the Japanese boy again painted flecks of blood on the ribbon, or tricked him into seeing a strand of pure black hair caught wrapped around it, the vision so real that his breath caught in his every time. Tears dripped down his cheeks, and he made no move at all to wipe them away or attempt to stop them, at the thought that Yuki's smell on the ribbon, too, was probably just in his head. The smell of a ghost. It made him unbearably sad, and also very angry.  
      
 _"They slit his throat."_  
  
    Duo's eyes widened a little as that memory whipped through his head like a bullet, even as the tears continued through his shock.  
   _They._  
    Duo was sure that it was entirely possible that Shi had said that because he hadn't known the sex of Yuki's murderer. Yes, entirely possible. And completely wrong. He knew that Shi had _really_ been saying that more than one person had been involved in his death, just as surely as he knew that his friends were hiding things about Yuki's death from him. When Shi had told him about those men cutting the Japanese boy's hair, he had hesitated, as though he had not wanted to tell Duo that detail at all. After all of these years, Shi was _still_ trying to protect him of the ugliness of the world that Duo had lived in all of his life.  
     _Why?_ It was the question that burned at him every time he thought about Yuki's murder. Why had his friend had to die? Anyone who had lived in that area for more than a few months knew what Yuki was. The thought that he had been killed for money was completely ridiculous. All of the money that Yuki had gotten from whoring had gone to food, clothing, and bills. Duo thought that Yuki had put off being picked up until he could no longer afford it. Out of that entire group, it was Yuki who had seemed to hate being a whore the most. Shi didn't seem to mind it at all which, in his world, had always struck him as completely bizarre. The rest of them had grudgingly accepted that, in order to survive, being paid for sex was the easiest and most affordable thing to do.   
    Yuki, on the other hand, had literally hated the job and himself for being forced to do it. Duo had seen all of the others pick up johns whenever they had the time and the fish were biting. Yuki would only do it when he had been pushed into a corner financially. Probably the most expensive things he had were his kimonos, but if they had killed him for money, why not break into his apartment? He supposed they could have just thought that the small, thin boy was an easy mark, that they had tried to rob him and Yuki had fought back, but...  
      
   _"They slit his throat."_  
  
    He _couldn't_ believe that. Yuki had been frail and often sick. It wouldn't have taken much to knock him out or kill him. And Yuki had known enough not to fight back in a situation like that, that just going with the flow in a mugging was less likely to get you killed. Only a sadistic bastard would have killed someone as sweet and weak bodied as him just for some spare change in his pocket. Everyone had loved him, even the same hookers that defended their territory like mean dogs, who should have felt threatened by Yuki's beauty, had liked him. They could have shot him or stabbed him in the stomach, but they had slit his throat. Why?   
     _So he couldn't scream._  
    The thought almost made him laugh at loud, and he was sure that it would have gained Wes' attention, even all the way in the kitchen. In a crappy neighborhood like that, no one would have come running at the sound of a single scream. No one, except Yuki's friends. Except Shi. That realization solidified all the things that had bothered him about this scenario, about the thought that Yuki had just been killed by some random people. If those people had known about Yuki's... protective guard, they probably would have been a bit leery about Shi coming running to his aid, if the blonde had been that close by.   
    The only thing that made any sense to him was that those men had been customers of Yuki's, or had _wanted_ to be. Maybe the Japanese boy had turned down the wrong people, or maybe it had made them hard like that man that had tried to kill him when he had been little. And they had cut his hair. That was the thing that made him utterly sick to his stomach. They had cut Yuki's hair. What sort of monster did a thing like that? No way it had been a mugging. It had been personal, someone who had known the boy well enough to know that his hair had been important to him. And there was also no possibility that it had a gang initiation. All the gangs in the area knew that you didn't fuck with Shi's family. They called him the Devil, and for a reason.   
    It was something that Duo had come to realize in the years that he had known Shi. That incident when he had killed the john that had tried to kill Duo had not been a one time thing. Shi had... a history, as well as a reputation among the street gangs. Duo didn't know why he had one, just for killing a few guys that tried to hurt his friends, something that wouldn't even be on those gangs' radars. There had been a few new members, trying to prove themselves to the higher ups, but if Shi didn't kill them for trying shit, then the leaders of those gangs did. It wasn't just that they didn't want The Devil on their scent. They were terrified of Wes, but Shi they both feared and respected. Duo didn't know the reason for any of this, just what little he had heard and seen when he had been around the group. But it all added up to one thing for him.  
    He believed, and he supposed he had believed it ever since his friends had told him about Yuki's death, that his black haired friend had, for some reason he couldn't possibly understand, been all alone that night, and that he had been slaughtered because he was a prostitute, not because he might have any money or had pissed someone off, or even that it had just been a random killing. They had killed him because he was a whore. That knowledge filled him with a burning rage.   
    It was the kind of anger he had ever felt very rarely, palpable, venomous, and sickening. It felt like the fever that was still raging inside of him, but stronger. Something that was completely out of character for him, an alien emotion. The reason... the _only_ fucking reason that his friend had lost his life was because his killers had seen him as a piece of trash, a _whore_ , something to throw away when they had no more use for him. They were the same sort of people as the person who had created the term that he had often heard policemen throw around whenever a whore or homeless person turned up murdered. NHI. No humans involved. Those men probably hadn't even thought they were committing a crime.  
    Duo heard Wes moving in the kitchen, the sharp _clink_ of dishes being put away. His rage overwhelmed him and he glared at the doorway, as though his anger could reach the man in the kitchen somehow.   
    'No humans involved. Something _he_ would say,' he thought, his fury making him feel literally sick. He had no idea where all of this anger was coming from all of a sudden. It wasn't just Yuki, it was something else. It was as though someone had come along and opened the iron door in his heart to the room where he had stashed all the bitterness and rage he had felt, all those bad, venomous things, since he had been little, and they were all coming pouring out like a tsunami wave.  
 _'They killed him because they could, because he was nothing to them. His life was nothing, his death was nothing. It wasn't like he was a **person** , at least not like them. The life of a dog would have meant more to them,' _that painfully concise, perceptive voice in his head chimed in, _'Just like **him**. He says that he loves you, but you mean nothing to him. When you were sad because Wes' actions had cheated you out of seeing Yuki in his last two weeks of life, he hadn't given a **shit**. Your life and your feelings and your dreams mean nothing to him. He was ready to handicap you back then. And now... he'll **kill** you, and the decision will come as easily and painlessly as a decision to lay down traps to kill a bothersome rat. He doesn't love you. Deep down, you know that. Just like you know what will happen if you stay.'  _    
    There was nothing left here for him. There was nothing left for him in this old life with Wes. His old life. Not his other life. It had never, in his head, been his 'other life.'  
    The thought came as an actual, physical shock to him, but once it was there in his head, out in the open where he could hear it and examine it, he realized how true it was. _There was nothing left here for him._ From the moment that he had decided to go home with Name instead of running back to Wes, this old life had died. He should have let it die in peace. He had tried to hold onto it, had grabbed at it with weak, arthritic hands, some part of him hoping and praying that he wouldn't be able to get a firm grip on it. And it had slipped through his fingers.  
    This place, this man... it was poison and that poison had been killing him. And this new Wes was just a different kind of toxin, a more insidious and crafty one, but just as lethal. That voice was right. Only the dead could exist in this old life. If he stayed, there would be nothing new, just the same as it had always been. One way or another, it would kill him. Hadn't he already decided that he no longer wanted to die? So, why had he found himself back here? And why did the thought that still belonged in this place keep invading his heart?  
    Except for Shi and Solo and Amaaya, everything that was worth living for, worth fighting and hunting and struggling for, was with Name and Heero. There **_was_** nothing else! Everything else, including Wes' love for him, was an illusion.  
    Heero wasn't here. That knowledge horrified him and made him feel frightened, alone, and a great deal of pain. Every single time he had faltered, his best friend had been there, holding him up and prodding him gently along. But he wasn't here now, not in this dark closet, and it made him feel weak. How could he do this alone? He felt so small, like the little boy that he had really been all along.  
    No. Heero _wasn't_ here, but his light was still there, inside of him. And that light was telling him that it was time to go home. It was telling him, in that same gentle, kind tone that always soothed his worst nightmares, that he didn't belong here anymore, that he didn't belong with Wes and never had, not from the very start.  
    Heero wasn't here to protect him and point him in the right direction this time. He needed to be strong, stronger than he had ever been before, now more than ever. But not for Heero. not because he was terrified of Heero being ashamed of him for being weak. But for _himself_. Because, even if both he and Wes had denied it, Wes had victimized him and committed crimes against his humanity.   
    For the first time in his life, he needed to stand up for _himself_.   
    Wes had apologized for hurting him, for being rough with him. Not for raping him or almost killing him. Not for anything in their pasts. And that apology had only served to make him realize that, if he really wanted to grow and have a better life, he and he alone had to be responsible for it, and for dealing with his past demons. Wes wasn't sorry. He didn't understand the true meaning of the word, and Duo seriously doubted he had ever experienced guilt in his life. But the man had done wrong by him and he should be punished for it.  
    A sharp pain filled his head at that thought, but for once, he didn't back away. Heero and Name and his other friends had been telling that every since he had ended up in the emergency room that night, but this was the first time he had truly _believed_ it, with every inch of himself. All this time, he had just... wanted to rest and let everything go, but the truth was that it wasn't Wes who refused to leave him alone, or even his torrid past. It was his own self.  
    It was _him_ that had been gravitating towards his rapist. Wes might have stalked him and dragged him back here every single time he had run away, but he was the one that stayed. He was the one confused when the truth of this situation should have been obvious to him from the start. Ironically, he was just as guilty as anyone else that had found out about his past and had labeled him as a rape victim. It had driven him crazy, the pity, and knowing that every time they looked at him, they could only see that victim and nothing else. But he wasn't any different than them. He had become obsessed with his life with Wes, because he had been in that darkness for so long, and even now, it still felt like he had never known anything else.  
    He had left the streets, or rather he had been abducted from them, but his time there had never left him. He had been treated as less than human by society. It had turned him into a ghost, something dead and stagnant, but when he had been with Wes, he had connected with people for the first time in his childhood, though it had hurt him badly. Still, sex was a human act and he had defined his own humanity through those acts. He couldn't leave Wes because Wes had made him feel alive, for the first time in his life.  
    But he understood now... returning to this wasn't keeping him alive, it was stopping him. he had always hated being here, with him, being forced to have sex with strange men. Maybe it had felt better to him than living on the streets, in its own way, but what had made him feel alive was also keeping him, ironically, from truly gaining back his humanity.   
    He could never go back to his life with Wes, he realized, and if he had truly believed that he could, he had been lying to himself. He couldn't live in the illusion that Wes was what he needed anymore. It was a childish fantasy, like the belief that your parents could protect you from the monsters. He wasn’t a child anymore and it was well past the time for him to grow up. He knew now that he could either try to live his life, try to let go and be happy with his new family, or he should just kill himself, because living with Wes would be like being dead anyway. And if he killed himself, he could finally put his demons to rest.  
    It didn’t matter if Heero and Name were just dreams in his head, he had to start living for himself. He had to free himself and stand up, just like Shi had tried to tell him in a dream, so many months ago. Even if a life with the Yuy's was a lie, at least he knew what he wanted. What he needed.  
    Duo curled up into a ball, still gripping Yuki's ribbon in his bound hands. HE could still hear Wes puttering around in the kitchen and suddenly wished that he was here, where he could see him. He felt incredibly hot, had for the last twenty minutes or so, like he was trapped in an oven like that fairy tail, Hansel and Gretel, waiting for when the witch would tire of his games and decide to eat him. Only he had no sister to push her to her death. His fever was getting worse again. The pills had helped, but only the symptoms, not the actual problem. He needed more than antibiotics, and if he went too long without his medication, it was going to get far too bad for Wes to fix.   
    He wanted Wes here... he wanted to tell him no. No that he wouldn't go with him, not ever. He wanted to say that, for the first time with true conviction.   
    Some part of him understood what he was doing as he felt a tiredness hit him and he closed his eyes. Still running away, still making excuses, like telling Wes that actually mattered. Running away from reality again because all these realizations were scaring him. Now that he knew what he wanted, he was terrified of what came next.  
  
*****  
  
    Maybe because he had been thinking of that dream from awhile back, or maybe because he had really wanted... no... _needed_ to see him, Duo dreamed of Shi, just like the last time he had floundering in the dark, on the cusp of some huge, frightening decision. At least this time, he was completely aware that he was dreaming. Even so, Shi's look of hurt and betrayal caused a very real guilt and sadness to surge through him.  
    They weren't in the dark place. There were no chains holding Duo down, or even the enclosed space he had been dreaming of lately. It was Shi's apartment, the neon sign flashing both light and dim darkness into the small apartment and Duo could smell the mold from his memory. If he had been fully conscious, he would have wondered why his mind had summoned up this place. Why not the darkness or, if he had simply wanted to see some place comforting, why not his home?  
    "Duo," Shi sighed, his tone reminding Duo for a moment of Wes' whenever he would tiredly scold him, "Why are you still choosing that prick over your own friends and family?"  
    The sudden, blunt question startled Duo, making his heart race.  
    "I'm _not_!" he blurted out in protest, forgetting his knowledge that this was just a dream, brought about by his fever and emotional turmoil, "I know, I've been running away from you and Solo and the others, that I should have contacted you somehow and let you know that I was ok, but it wasn't because I was trying to forget about you, when I couldn't forget about Wes. I'm not choosing him over you, I just... I still can't face you..."  
    At some point, Duo understood that 'you no longer meant all of them. His more rational self chastised him for scolding an image in his head like it was the real person, but he couldn't stop himself. Shi shook his head.  
    "We aren't the family that I was talking about."  
    Shi walked from his place by the bed, and stood in front of Duo, his blood-red eyes boring into Duo's.  
    "You're finally starting to realize some very important stuff, but you're still running away," Shi told him, his gaze fierce, but also full of love, "Name and Heero love you, more than Wes ever will. His love is a delusion of a sociopath, like someone from a desert who dreams of snow. They have no good idea what snow is supposed to feel like, they have never known what it feels like, so whatever their imagination dreams up what snow is supposed to be like, is just an illusion. Wes will drag you down. He'll _kill_ you in an attempt to love you. Really, all you have to do now is decide whether to live or die. There is no other choice, no other result. You know that now."  
    "I _do_ know that," Duo murmured, looking away from Shi's all knowing stare, "And I accept that! I can tell myself that Wes might change... that he has changed... but not _enough_ , not where it actually matters..."  
    "Have you?" Shi asked with a cock of his head, almost cruelly, "Then why do you want to tell him that you've finally made up your mind? Why does it matter if that asshole knows that? Really, some part of you is still hoping that he'll give you an alternative, that he'll prove to you that you're wrong. You've made up your mind, but you're _still_ not trying to escape, are you? Because you're still scared of cutting ties with him for good."  
    Duo shook his head violently in denial.  
    "No, you don't understand! I _have_ made up my mind! I just wanted to go home... but I'm _lost_. Without Heero, I can't find my way home..."  
    Even in his dreams, Duo was aware that he was just spouting excuses. Even after he had decided to fight for himself, he still kept faltering.  
    "Really?" Shi asked, his tone biting, "It was Heero, then, that saved both of your lives in Boston? Heero, who came back from the brink of death on the operating table? Heero who broke _years_ of psychological training and torture thanks to that douche bag to save one of his friends' lives, when no one else could?" Shi's gaze hardened, but wasn't stony or cold, more like he was desperate, "You have to take your life, your _humanity_ , back from Wes. It isn't gone, not for good, but you'll only get it back if you stand up to him. He's had it in his possession for _far too long_. You must tell him no and _mean it_. You have to stand up for yourself, for the first time in your entire life, not just against him, but _everyone_ who has treated you as unimportant trash! Unless your life has meaning to _yourself_ it can't possibly mean anything to anyone else!"  
  
*****  
  
    Duo jolted awake as he heard Wes slam a drawer closed in the kitchen, but he didn't feel awake. He felt like he was still dreaming. Maybe he was, or maybe because he had woken up so quickly. What had he done, blacked out? Or had he been awake and hallucinating again, like he had that time when he had seen Zechs kill Heero? It had felt realer than his dreams, even as he had been aware that it hadn't been real. He felt like he was drifting again. Whatever magic those antibiotics had done was wearing off already. Frustration filled him. He couldn't take being delirious again, not _now_ when he needed a clear head more than ever.  
    Shi... no, his head had told him exactly what he had needed. It had given him the clarity that he had been fumbling for for the last few days. It wasn't anything that he hadn't already know, but it dispersed more and more of his doubts. He couldn’t stay here. He didn't belong here anymore and if he couldn't escape, and soon, he _never_ would. It wasn’t even the case that he would lose his resolve. His health was diminishing. With every second he stayed here, he was losing more physical strength. The medicine had only delayed it for a little while. He just couldn't take the risk that, instead of getting him to a real, proper doctor, Wes might just put a bullet in his skull, like you would a diseased cattle.  
   _'He wouldn't do that. He said that he loves me, that he needs me, that he's willing to run away from this life just to make me happy,'_ a weak part of himself, the part of himself that was scared of trying to run away, protested.  
    Duo pushed that part deep down into himself. He had thought that before, but whether it was true or not didn't matter. He didn't trust Wes enough to put his _life_ in the man's hands. Wes' love wasn't good enough... he had decided that. But even with all of these decisions, and Shi’s words lingering in his head... what was he supposed to do now? Wes still held all the power here-  
   _'You're **never** going to see Heero again,'_ that cruel voice made itself known once more.  
    The harshness in that thought sent an icy pain through his heart. Duo didn't question the fact that the voice was merely his own, so shocked by it, and feverish, that it was more like an old enemy to him.  
    "I _will_ ," he gasped out, tears spilling down his cheeks from the sorrow that that thought brought with it, "I ** _will_** see him again!"  
    'Oh?' the voice asked snidely, 'I thought that you didn't know hat you wanted? What about not wanting to lose Wes? What about how much he loves you, the _only_ father you've ever had? What about how, just _thinking_ about leaving him, fills you with terror?'   
    "I'm scared," he admitted with a soft murmur, "I... I don't know how to live without him, what I should do. It paralyzes me."  
    He blinked, trying to clear his eyes of tears.  
    "I don't want to be here anymore," he said out loud, his voice suddenly strong and full of conviction.  
    If Heero had been there in that closet with him, his heart would have become overwhelmed with love for him, but Duo was unaware of that. He was only conscious of how powerful and sure that desire was, and his frantically beating heart.  
   _'Then run.'_  
    Terror hit him in a physical blow, along with an intense pain in his skull that almost had him blacking out again.  
   _How_? How could he possibly escape from here? From _Wes?_ He was everywhere, he knew everything, every one of Duo's thoughts.  
 _That isn't true._  
    He was stronger and faster and smarter and more resourceful than Duo could ever hope to be. How could he ever hope to escape from the monster that had kept him a slave for most of his life.  
    The shadows, which were already long and sinister, grew and, as he looked at them, became darker, the color of dried blood. He could smell it, thick and warm, like a handful of pennies. Blood. _His_ blood.  
 _It isn't real. You're sick and scared and hallucinating._  
    But wasn't it? Hadn't not so long ago, Wes had whipped him with his belt so hard that he had split his skin open in a dozen places? And hadn't he thrown him into this closet for the entire night, his blood soaking into the carpet?   
    'Maybe I'm dead already. Maybe he killed me and this is hell.'  
    Insane, broken thoughts, and they had nothing to do with his fever. He couldn't escape. A weak, pathetic thing like him, how _could_ he?  
    'How about, instead of laying here and remembering the pain he put you in and thinking about how terrified you are, you _do_ something about it. For once in your pathetic life, stop being paralyzed and _run_.'  
    Duo sat up as though he had just been violently woken up from a drugged slumber.  
    'C’mon, short stuff, _think_. What are your options? It's just like when you lived on the streets. You're trapped, what do you do first?' Shi's voice asked in his head. The mere imagined sound of it soothed his panic.  
    "Exits," he murmured, pure instinct taking over, "Where are my exits?"  
    Two exits, memory told him, one in his old bedroom. A window. The other, the door in the kitchen that, led into the alley. No, no he couldn't use the window in his room. Wes had probably locked it and if not, it squeaked. Wes would hear him before he could ever get out of it. And even if he did get out, it was a maze of alleyways outside. He couldn't risk that, in his panicked and fevered state, he might get lost.  
    'Ok, you have to get through the front door, then,' Shi said simply.  
    'But how?' Duo wondered, 'I'll have to wait until Wes leaves-'  
    'No,' Shi said sternly and Duo completely forgot that his voice was just his subconscious, it was like Shi was telling him what to do and that comforted him greatly, 'It has to be now,' Duo's heart thundered in his chest, 'The longer you wait, the weaker you'll be. you might lose your resolve, too. It has to be now, while he's left the closet door open. Even at full strength you could never force the door open and you don't have anything to pick the lock with. Right now, he thinks you're too tired and cowed to try to escape. Why do you think it is he's been feeding you, but only things low in protein and iron, and only in small amounts? He's _trying_ to keep your strength down, keeping you hungry and weak so you won't be able to think. Right now, he's distracted and assuming he's winning.'  
    'But how can I do this? He's in the kitchen, and he's _fast_. Even if he were in his room, if I make a run for it, he'll get me when I'm taking the chain off the door. If he finds out before I can get to the alley, I'll never make it.'  
    'So don't run for it. C'mon, kiddo, you _know_ what you should do, just _think_. That’s the one thing he isn't prepared for. He's prepared for you to try to run away and he thinks that he has complete and total control. Remember how surprised he was when he looked at your report card? He's always thought that you are worthless, that just because you lived on the streets that means you're stupid, that he can control you because you're too dumb to ever out smart him. That's your one and only ace in the hole here. HE thinks that he knows you, your every move. Surprise him.  
    'Get him as far away from the door as possible,' Duo thought to himself, almost in a trance, 'So he can't hear me undo the chain and open the door. He'll hear it close behind me, but that's ok. I know all the places I can hide in the area. Once I make it to the street, I can probably lose him long enough to... I don't know. I have no money, but I might be able to talk a bus or cab into giving me a ride, or I could make it to school or something. I'll have to lure him out of the kitchen somehow, but not to where I am.'  
    He could feel his mind clear a little as he planned out his escape. The two keys here, he realized, were making sure Wes was distracted and much farther away from the door than he was. The bathroom was the furthest room from the door. If he could trick Wes into thinking he had escaped the closet and had taken refuge into the bathroom, he could hide in Wes' room, maybe under the bed, and while Wes was in the bathroom, he could sneak to the door.  
    'The egg timer,' it dawned on him, 'that stupid little egg timer he keeps in the bathroom for when he would let me take a shower or punish me. If I set it to go off after thirty seconds, that'll give me the time to hide. He'll probably think I went in there to get a knife from the cabinet, and that timer is loud enough to hide what I'm doing, if I'm fast.'  
    And he would be fast.   
    'The first thing you need to do,' Shi advised him, 'is get out of those cuffs.'  
    Duo was a step ahead of his self-conscious, already looking around the closet for some tool he could use. This wasn't going to be easy, his hands were shaking badly. Duo eyed the open door. On a good day, he might consider prying the strap open, but he didn't have the focus, time, or tools for that. He would have to cut it off.   
    Wes had never been very adept at home improvement. He was perfectly _capable_ of it, he had tools and knew how to fix things, he had just never cared enough about this place to work on anything that didn't need fixing immediately. The hinges on the closet door were faintly rusted, and the metal of the middle hinge was jagged. It was the closest thing to a jagged edge that he was going to get in here. HE didn't dare wander out of the closet in search of something better. He got on his knees and scooted over to the door, listening carefully for Wes. he pulled his wrists as much as he could and pressed the leather cuff to the hinge.  
    He had to be careful. he had dozens of open wounds on his wrists and arms. The last thing he needed on top of everything else was tetanus. He rubbed hard, but slowly against the worn, jagged hinge. Those next five minutes were complete torture. His heart thundered in his chest like a frantic drum beat and every little noise made him nearly hyperventilate. How long would Wes stay in the kitchen? What if the metal wasn't sharp enough to cut through the thick leather? He was on the verge of tears when _finally_ , a thin tear appeared on the cuff. It was small, not even cutting halfway through, but it was the very first sign that this crazy-ass plan might actually _work_. Relief and excitement surged through him and he redoubled his efforts. The strap was wrapped double around his wrists, but if he could just get it lose enough to get one wrist free, that was all he needed.  
    A floorboard in the hall creaked. Duo froze for a second, even his heart ceased its racing beat, but quickly doubled, making his chest hurt.  
    'Nononononono,' any thoughts about being careful vanished and he rubbed back and forth against the hinge as hard as he could, bruising his wrists, 'It's too soon, I need more time!'  
    'What difference does it make if you can get it off before he makes it to the door?' Shi asked, 'If he figures out what you're up to now, you'll never even make it to the kitchen.'  
    But it didn't matter. He couldn't think, he was panicking too badly. Duo was almost through the top strap when he saw Wes' boot. His heart felt like it was going to explode. He threw himself back from the door. He had to hide the damage he had done from Wes and make him go back to the kitchen...  
    But it was too late. With his hands tied in front of him, there was no way for him to hide them. He pulled his wrists apart frantically as Wes walked back into the closet, hoping he had torn the leather enough that it would just give. He wouldn't be able to go through with his original plan, but at least he would give himself some small chance to defend himself. The leather made a very slight ripping sound, but didn't budge anymore.  
    "You fucking _shit!_ " Wes snarled as he saw the large tear Duo had put in the cuff, and stormed over to him, reminding Duo of a charging tiger, fangs bared and death in its eyes.   
    There was no where for him to go. Even if his hands had been free, he couldn't have gotten away or avoided the first blow. He had been kidding himself to think that all it would have taken was getting use of his hands back to defend himself. Perhaps it had been a moment of denial, or the fever, but he had forgotten how strong Wes was, and what he was like when you pissed him off. He wasn't a shark or a crocodile or even a tiger. He was a force of nature. Single minded destruction.  
    Wes back handed him with his fist and Duo felt his lip split open, warm blood trickling down the corner of his mouth. The furious blonde didn't give him a single second to recover, grabbing him by his dirty bangs and slamming his head into the wall. White lights flashed in Duo's vision, so much brighter than the dark shadows of the closet. His head made a blunt, thudding sound as it hit the wall and pain burst in the side of his head. For a moment, he had a moment of nostalgia, remembering the pain he had felt when Wes had slammed it into the tiled floor when he had been much younger. The pain then had been much sharper, much more agonizing, but the blankness in his head had felt the same. Like nothing existed in the world or in his thoughts. Nothing at all.   
    He fell to the floor like someone had cut his strings and he laid there motionless. He didn't try to get up. He lacked the ability to move at all. The white light dulled to more alarming spots of red. His brains felt like they had been mashed, though experience told him that it would go away in a few hours. He blinked in shock unable to keep up with what Wes had just done. The only thought he had was how lucky he was. The part of his head that had hit the wall hadn't been the part that had been fractured years ago. With the violence of the blow, he had no doubt that something... very unpleasant would have happened if he had turned his head at that moment and the wall had hit the back instead of the side. He probably would have died. Even when his senses cleared enough to feel the blood on the side of his head, somehow hotter and thicker than from his lip, he didn't move. He felt paralyzed.  
    "I think you like it rough," Wes growled, nudging Duo's stomach with the tip of his boot, "You _must_. Here I am, thinking we're past all this bullshit. I've been good to you. I've been giving you three meals a day, I haven't been rough with you. I've offered you _everything!_ Hell, I didn't even tie you down like I should have, because you were scared! And how do you repay me? Even now, all you do is fight me, try to run from me back to that brat!"  
    "Wes..." Duo murmured, without having any conscious thought to what he was trying to say.  
    "Shut up!" he snarled, pressing his boot down into Duo's stomach until he heard the satisfactory gasp of pain, "What the fuck does it take for you to grow up and realize where the hell you belong?!"  
    He stopped pressing his boot against the teenager's stomach and instead stepped down on his bound hands, putting more and more pressure on his wrists. Duo gritted his teeth at the pain, feeling the stress on his bones. He felt tears prick his vision as panic screamed in him, making him want to bed Wes not to break his wrists, anything but that. If he did that, he would lose all hope of escape. But Duo refused to let that weakness show, both his panic and his tears. He wouldn't give Wes the satisfaction to know how terrified he was that he had finally forced the psychotic man over the edge.   
    "Do you enjoy doing this?" he rasped.  
    Wes' foot paused, but stayed on his hands.  
    "Doing what?" he asked gruffly.  
    Duo looked up at him, tired, frightened violets meeting stony grey. Wes' eyes were always so flat, not quite dead, but bored. Like a gifted child stuck taking the same classes with everyone else, like he was always three steps faster than everyone around him and was constantly waiting for them to catch up. But now, they were alive and vibrant. Excited. They always were when they were together like this. When Wes was hurting him, either to punish him or rape him or to just play some sick mind game with him. He had been thinking that it was Wes who made himself feel alive, to validate his existence, to give him some kind of connection to life. But maybe he provided the same thing to Wes? That thought disturbed something deep inside of him greatly.   
    "Killing me."  
    Wes snorted in amusement and lifted his foot off of Duo's hands and wrists, nearly making the boy sigh in relief.  
    "Don't be dramatic," Wes' voice was still gruff, but he seemed to think that Duo's assessment was funny.  
    'This is what he's really like. Not those brief moments when he's been kind or even those times that he's listened to you, let you have your way as he says he loves you. Just _this_. This is Wes Maxwell. A man who only looks human when he's torturing another person. A man who doesn't give a shit about the child he's lived with for eight years, at least not in the sense that anyone else would. He says that he loves you, but he denies you everything you need, only giving you scraps from his table when he feels like. Just like a dog.'  
  
 _"I'm not a dog!"_  
  
    All of the color drained from Duo's face as a memory, like a shard of glass, ripped through his head, leaving agony in its wake, although it was merely a fragment, a piece of pain and sorrow and anger that he couldn't make heads or tails of without the rest of the shards. He felt something inside of him break, some resolve that he had had, in the face of Wes' brute force and cruelty.   
    'I'm getting out of this closet,' he thought, 'Even if I have to do something disgusting or terrible. Even if I'll hate myself later. All that matters is getting out of this tiny, dark place. I'll do ANYTHING to get out, anything at all.'  
    It seemed so simple, what he had to do. What he had to say. He felt that broken thing die, and some voice in his head screamed at him not to do it, not to say it, because if he did, he could never go back. But what choice did he have? Wes was in control, as he had always been, and Duo had nothing. No power, no control. His plan was shattered. He could either die or... this.  
    "Wes... please... just let me go," he begged, and his own voice rang in his head, from the last time he had spoken those words, and for a moment, there were metal cuffs and chains binding his wrists instead of torn leather.   
    "And why should I do that?" the tall blonde asked, anger darkening his tone, "Every fucking time I do you a favor, you spit it back in my face."  
    "Aren't you tired of this?" Duo asked, almost in a whisper, his voice weak, "All this... struggle between us?"  
 _Wouldn't it be easier for everyone if I just disappeared again? What is the point of this? Why can't you understand that?_  
    Wes cocked his head to the side a little, looking honestly confused, an expression that Duo had never seen on his face before.  
    "Why?" the confusion melted away to an eerie smile, "It hasn't been a struggle for me."  
    Duo stared at him in shock. After all of the pain he suffered, all of the heartache he had gone through trying to escape from Wes, only to be met with fear and paranoia when he _had_ , all these broken memories and feelings inside of him, his destroyed psyche... in all of this time... Wes had just thought of it all as a sick game. Even when he had escaped from him for all those months, Wes had been hunting him like some prize game. Did he even know what it meant, to hurt, to really lose something important? Or, to him, was it just losing the thrill of a good sport?   
    Heero, Name, Trowa, Wufei, and Quatre... they had all called Wes a monster, something that wasn't human, and something inside of him had protested that. Some part of him had screamed that no, something in Wes had to be human, had to be sane, even if it was something small. It was the same part of him that had felt a burst of love for the man when he had made him breakfast or combed his hair. But it was a lie. That voice in his head was right. This was the real Wes. And there was nothing human left in him. He had thought that he had escaped from that monster, but he hadn't. It's shadow had stalked him, all these months. His escape had been a lie. Him... the real _him_ , his soul or whatever you wanted to call it, had been here, trapped.   
    The entire time he had thought that he had freed himself from this nightmare, he had felt that monster in his head, poisoning him. Like a Komodo Dragon that takes one bite of its prey, then waits and stalks it until it falls over dead, the bacteria in its bite tagging that animal forever, in festering death it couldn't possibly escape from.   
    'He's won,' Duo thought, feeling like he was breaking, just like that night when he had been seven years old all over again, 'He's going to break me again. Just like before, when I would do every little thing he told me to do, without a second thought. I'll become that person again.'  
    Very soon now, his heart would die again. He could feel that, as real and stagnant as the smell of cigarettes on Wes' breath.   
  _'If that's true, then just say it. If you can't escape him, then at least give yourself the illusion of freedom. **Say it.** '_  
    Wes watched as the light seemed to vanish from the boy's eyes and frowned. He didn't want it to be this way. He didn't want him to vanish on him again. He had to be _here_ with him. He didn't want some broken toy in Duo's place. Wes sighed heavily. Why the hell did the brat have to make things so uselessly complicated and not just do what he was told? Even now, his sudden listlessness didn't make him happy, not one little bit. As though the kid was running away into his head just to spite him.      
    "I know that I hurt you when I chained you up in the bed last time," he admitted without any hesitance or struggle, "but I had thought that it was necessary."  
    Duo's shock turned to pure incredulance. He thought that that was all that this was about? That he wasn't agreeing to go with him because he was still pissed off about being chained to a bed for two weeks? Wes had said that so easily... as though it had been on the tip of his tongue for so long, but he had never said it because he hadn't seen the point of it, it had served no purpose to him to admit that he had hurt him, that he hadn't wanted to hurt him that badly. Or rather, that he hadn't believed his actions back then would have created any negative consequences for himself.  
    "I'm sorry."  
    Duo's heart stopped in his chest. It felt like the world... his world... was collapsing in on itself, everything becoming tiny and grey, unimportant. No... no, he wasn't allowed to say that! How dare he. How _dare_ he! Wes wasn't allowed to say that he was sorry, not _now!_ He didn't want to hear him apologize to him, not ever! He had forced him down and chained him up like a wild animal, had not let him even _move_ , or stretch his legs or go to the bathroom like a human being, had let dozens and dozens of men put their cocks and semen in him in the dark, like he was some kind of dirty, motherfucking secret Wes was ashamed of! Like a _freak_ , an inhuman object, a sex toy! He had broken his fucking mind, all because Wes had been too proud and stubborn to just let him go!     And he wanted to say he was sorry now? Fuck him! And the thing that really hurt, the thing that really pissed him off at the same time that it made him feel like his heart was being ripped open, was the fact that he knew it was a lie.   
    "Ok," he murmured.  
 _'Say it. Say it so it can all be over. Aren't you tired of this? Of the fighting? All this pain... how much can you take? Don't you want to end it before you break again, this time for good?_  
    "What?" Wes asked impatiently.  
    "Yes, I'll go with you."  
    Wes hesitated. It was what he had wanted to hear, after all this chasing. He almost called the brat out on his bullshit, but studied his face. Duo's eyes lacked any light, any of the fight that they had had in them up until now. He had seen the look in the faces of a hundred children and women before. Surrender. It made him both happy and unhappy, relieved and frustrated. He had won, but he hadn't wanted to win just yet. But still... that light was gone but there was something else there. It made him very wary, because he couldn't put a name to it. He had never seen whatever it was before, in anyone else. But he discarded his confusion. It didn't matter.   
    "You'll do everything I say?" he snapped at the teenager.  
    Duo nodded very meekly. He was tired. In his body and in his heart, he was tired. Wes knelt down, taking the sharp hunting knife with the worn, beaten handle from his belt and pressed it to Duo's neck. Cold grey eyes bore into him, but they didn't bother Duo anymore.   
    "If you do anything I don't like, I'll slit your throat," he threatened in a low growl.  
    Duo didn't doubt him. For all of his declarations of loving him, he knew that if he kept this up, Wes was going to kill him. He wouldn't give him another chance after this. Wes slid the deadly-looking knife under the tear that Duo had made and finished the job. The brunette winced as the leather fell off his wrists, revealing black bruises on his wrists. He was free. And he wasn't. He sat up, careful not to sit on his hair and tug his scalp, which was still throbbing from hitting the wall. He rubbed at his wrists. They felt so raw and there were slight smears of blood on them, but that didn't matter now. He placed his hands down on either side of him, feeling the material of the carpet. It was rough and scratchy. He hadn't realized that before. Duo lashed out with his foot as hard as he could and kicked Wes brutally in the throat. The darkness of the closet made it nearly impossible to aim, but he felt it on the bottom of his foot, that familiar neck and the hardness of his Adam’s apple.  
    Duo heard Wes make a sharp, guttural, almost hacking noise and the knife fell from his hands somewhere with a thump. He felt this intense emotion fill him at that pained noise, like triumph. Or maybe it was revenge. Duo ignored it and the knife completely, instinct telling him that, by the time he found it, it would be too late. He leapt to his feet with more gracefulness than he had thought he would have at this point, but maybe that was all because of the adrenaline. His heart surged as he ran, taking his first couple of steps out of the closet for the first time in... he had no idea how many days. The light was pure agony, but he just shut his eyes, having walked down this hallway a thousand times before.  
    He made it three more steps before Wes grabbed him by his loose hair and threw him back into the closet with a bellow of rage and pain, his voice contorted from the blow Duo had given him. Duo fell onto his back in a gasp, then all sound and breath escaped him as Wes' hand closed around his throat.   
   _'He's going to kill you.'_  
    It wasn't like it had been, so many, many times before, like how it had been on their first night together. Wes didn't relieve the pressure this time. He wasn't going to bring him back from the edge of death. Duo's eyes were open, but all he could see was the darkness.  
  _'This was your last chance. And what if he doesn't kill you?'_  
    Duo scrambled, trying to grab Wes' wrists, to try to get him to let go of his throat, but Wes' grip was like steel.   
   _'What if, at the very last moment, he decides he doesn't want to kill you? What if he just keeps you in here, in the dark?'_  
    Even with Wes' hands tight around his neck, Duo started to hyperventilate. Forever in the dark... this blackness the last thing he would ever see...  
    'My last chance...'  
   _'He's pushed you around your entire life, and you've let him. If he kills you now, it's because you gave up. He'll win. He'll keep going on raping little kids and murdering families. He'll kill you and cut your body up into little pieces. Then he'll find some poor, scared child he's cowed and beaten to take your body to a dumpster for him. Heero and Name will never know what really happened. They'll always wonder, and spend their long nights waiting for you to come home, but your body will be in rotten pieces. Or maybe someone will find your body before they can dispose of it. A cop will come to the house and tell Name 'Sorry, Mrs. Yuy...''_  
    Tears streamed down Duo's face and he scratched at Wes' arms frantically, like a wild cat, tearing up the man's skin and making blood drip down from the cuts.  
   _'Or you can stand up for yourself for once. In this place, no one else will. It's just the two of you here, just as its always been. Wes thinks you're nothing, a piece of shit that's too weak to even defend it's own right to live! But Heero always believed in you... believed that you were strong when no one else ever could! Do you want to prove him wrong?'_  
    Everything was fading away, but those words rang over and over in his head.       
    Duo felt Wes let go of his throat, just like how the voice said that he would, and he took deep, gasping breaths, but it didn't matter to him. Wes giving back his life was nothing to him. Heero... he had to get home to Heero... he had to see him... see his Mommy, do right by them... be loved by them... That was what he wanted, all that he had ever wanted! Nothing else mattered, not Wes. Wes didn't matter. Wes was nothing, he was tiny... he just wanted to be loved...   
    Duo's right hand searched for something on the floor, anything he could use, even if it was just the buckle on the cuff, anything at all to use to defend himself. His fingers touched something hard. He felt a familiar cut in the surface and he curled his hand around it. His hand arched out to strike Wes with it, to get him the _fuck off of him._  
    The knife stabbed Wes in the side of his neck, burying nine inches of sharpened steel into his flesh up to the hilt.   
    Wes' eyes widened, his usually dark and stormy gray looking lighter, like slate, or perhaps that was just Duo's imagination. Everything was quiet and still, not just around him, but in his head and heart. It was as if time itself had stopped. Duo watched, transfixed, the hilt of the knife as blood started to stream down it. What he had just done didn't hit him at all. It was as though someone had switched off his consciousness. Or it was hiding. All he could do was wonder why he felt so sick to his stomach and his hands were shaking.  
    Then, the world turned back on and Duo wished that it hadn't, that it had stayed still. His heart beat was doing something very interesting, beyond just racing with adrenaline. Wes didn't look shocked or horrified or scared or even like he was in pain with his knife, the same knife he had used on Duo and countless others embedded in his throat. He just looked... surprised, like this course of events, the _possibility_ of it, had never occurred to him. He looked confused. Confused and surprised and... betrayed. Pain reached a steady roar of agony in Duo's head and chest. He didn't even know that he was hyperventilating again. It was then that Duo realized that his mind wasn't blank. It was filled with white noise, the sound of his own mental screaming.  
    Wes, like he was trying to remove nothing bigger or more alarming than a splinter, grabbed the protruding handle and pulled he knife out of his neck. The knife made a grotesque, wet sound as it slid out, taking some small, red pieces of flesh with it. Dark arterial blood gushed out from the wound, pouring down Wes' neck, shoulder, and chest, splattering down on Duo's already stained shirt, completely soaking the front of it with blood so thick, it was almost brown. The blood was disturbingly warm, like a living thing.  
    The injured pimp pressed his hand to the open, grisly wound, thinking rationally when most would have panicked, his chest heaving as he uselessly tried to breathe through his ripped wind pipe. It was like trying to fill a hole in a dam with mud. The blood gushed out under his hand and through his fingertips.  
    Wes somehow managed to stagger to his feet and Duo had the insane, and childish, thought that maybe Wes was a monster after all and, like all the most terrifying of monsters, was immortal, caught between being horrified at what he had done and shocked at just how strong and tenacious the man really was.  
    But Wes wasn't a monster, much less an immortal one. He took a few stumbling steps towards the hallway, then fell just as Duo had earlier when he had thrown him against the wall. As though someone had cut his strings. Duo waited ( _hoped_ ) for him to get to his feet again, horrified and hopeful that his dubious father was so strong... so _terrible_ , that he might actually survive. But Wes only took a few gasping breaths, then stilled. Blood pooled under his body as his hand fell away. His eyes, flat and lifeless like a doll's, and somehow very different from the stony way he had often looked, seemed to stare accusingly at Duo although they weren't looking in his direction.  
 _'He's dead.'_  
    No.  
 _'He's dead and **you** killed him._  
 **No!**  
   _'You murdered him. Just like something he would have-'_  
    Duo tightened his grip on the hair ribbon. He was completely ignorant of this, that he was still even holding it at all. He got to his feet and gravity shifted. He suddenly felt incredibly dizzy, like he was the one who had lost so much bloo...  
    A jolt of adrenaline went through him, probably all the he had left, as though someone had jabbed him with a stun baton. He went to where the knife had fallen and knelt down. He grabbed it hastily, his hand shaking so badly, and the knife so covered in blood, that his hand slipped and he cut his fingers. He didn't feel it. He tightened his grip around it and let it cut into him a little bit more. He all but ran out of the closet and down the hall. He felt numb, like he was in a dream that he couldn't ever wake up from. He didn't look back, at Wes' body. He didn't need to. The image of those dead, gray eyes staring at him in confused betrayal was the only thing he could see.   
  
  
End Part 13


	60. The Second Son Part 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo is finally able to return home, but he must face the terrible consequences of what he had to do to escape.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 14  
  
    Outside of the apartment, it was night. A cloudless, black sky with a million pinpricks of starlight greeted him, as well as a warm breeze that ruffled his loose hair. But Duo was senseless to all of it, even to the feeling of rocks and gravel scratching the bottoms of his feet, the way that the blood started to cool on his shirt and skin, and the feeling of the bloody knife slashing his fingers as he gripped it. His mind buzzed and his heart was like a tribal drum, spurring him further step by step. At some point, from the front door of the apartment to the main street, his adrenaline had abandoned him, leaving him a worn and empty shell.   
    His body wanted to lay down in a gutter somewhere and sleep. Perhaps even fade away into a coma, somewhere dark and silent where his thoughts, like buzzing bees creating indecipherable sound in his head, could not find him. Where his horror could not cling to him. His head wouldn't let him. Even as layer upon layer of terror and confusion and guilt filled him, some part of him led him, told him where all other noises and thoughts fell on deaf ears, where he needed to go. It was almost like that time before, when he had been half dead, and had found himself in Heero's room. But then, he hadn't remembered anything, had been in too much pain to really understand what he had been doing.  
    Now, there was no pain. Only what was in his head. He walked slowly, like he was sleepwalking. It was the most energy he could exert. He had never walked from Wes' apartment to his home before, but some instinctual part of him knew the way. He didn't even try to stay hidden, simply walking a set, determined path. At some point, a homeless man approached him from his left side, not seeing the knife or the blood on him. But he saw the flat, almost crazed look in Duo's eyes and quickly went away, like how an animal could smell insanity on a person or another animal. By some kind of miracle, there was no one else out in the middle of the night to see him, just the kind of people that had no desire to call the police and were quite content with ignoring the strange boy.   
    The walk seemed to take forever. And it seemed like it had taken no time at all. The sight of the white house, surrounded by rich and neatly cut grass almost had him sobbing right there on the street. But he couldn't. He couldn't stop. He was close... so close... Duo gripped the familiar knob with his free hand, leaving smears of blood on it. It wasn't locked and the security system was disarmed. He opened the door, stepped inside, and closed the door behind him. He could hear voices coming from deeper in the house, but they weren't the voices that he wanted, so he continued to walk.   
    He reached the steps and climbed them, each creek like a song you could remember from your childhood, a sound that was comforting and nostalgic. As he reached the top, he heard someone say his name in a shocked tone, but it didn't reach the high, or rather, very low place that his consciousness was. For a moment, he forget where he was. He forget when he was, and almost screamed out in pain, only his body remembering that he wasn't mortally injured anymore. As he saw Heero's bedroom, he walked faster, his heart starting to race again, but out of desire instead of fear. The door was open and the room was dark, but there was enough light to see where he was going. With a need so great, his stomach twisted and his head roared, Duo walked to the bed.  
    It was empty. Just like before, just like last time. Heero wasn't here. He needed him to be here, but he wasn't. He was all alone again.  
      
 _Alone, in the dark. There's no one here. You're never going to see Heero again._  
  
    All the strength left him at once and Duo fell to his knees. Tears streamed down his face and he let them fall. He didn't know why he was crying, but an immense sadness filled him and it only made him cry harder.   
    "Duo?!"  
    He blinked, the word penetrating through his shock. It was the voice he wanted and some last bit of strength soared through him as Heero ran to him and fell on his knees next to him. Hands larger and darker than his own reached out, shaking almost as badly as his own were, and touched the sides of his face.  
    "Oh, my god," Heero breathed and his voice was a mix of fear and relief.  
    Duo felt frozen. A hundred things filled his throat, wanting to explode out, but the words were trapped there as he looked into wonderfully familiar blue eyes. Suddenly, those words, all the things that he wanted to scream, didn't matter. One of those hands covered his that was still gripping the knife. The heat coming from them seared into his cold skin.   
    "Hold on, hold on," Heero said frantically, "It's ok."  
      
   _'Is it?'_  
  
    He was scared. Heero was scared. Duo didn't know what to say. He knew, on some kind of level, that he had to say something to not make his best friend so scared anymore, but he couldn't think. He felt like he was melting away. It was like he had waited for this moment for so long and now that it had come, his entire self was shutting down. Tan fingers pried the knife from his slashed fingers and dropped it to the floor, sliding it under the bed where Duo wouldn't be able to reach it.  
    'It isn't my blood, don't worry, it isn't mine,' was what he needed to say, he suddenly realized, but the words just wouldn't come. Heero was breathing hard, frantically as he looked at Duo's blood soaked shirt. His shaking hands touched the blood on his shirt, prying at the cloth and lifting it up, searching his skin for some horrible wound.   
    Quatre ran into the room with Trowa right behind him.  
    "Heero?" he breathed, wanting to yell, but was finding it hard to speak more than a whisper.  
    "Go get the car started," Heero snapped at him, not even turning to look at him, Duo the only thing he could see, "My keys are on the kitchen counter!"  
    Quatre ran and Trowa disappeared somewhere. Heero didn't care. He couldn't find where the blood was coming from, and that should have alleviated his fears, since that much blood had to have come from a very noticeable wound, but it only frightened him further. And Duo was so pale... The longhaired boy suddenly leaned against him bonelessly, his slender, trembling hands gripping at Heero's shirt. Something in the Japanese boy snapped. He wrapped his arms around his friend and crushed him to his chest in a tight hug, crying into his shoulder. He felt so cold.   
    'I missed you,' Duo thought and suddenly knew that that was what he had to say. That was what had been on the tip of his tongue from the moment he had seen the house. He opened his mouth to say it, to try to make Heero understand why he had been so scared all this time, why he had had to come back here above anywhere else.  
  
 _'What do you think he will say, exactly, when he finds out what you did? Will Heero still call you his best friend when he learns that you-'_  
  
    Duo's throat spasmed and the words became strangled, soundless. His eyes widened in alarm and tried to speak again, this time just to tell Heero that he was fine. Nothing came out. It was like his throat and tongue had been shot up full of Novocain. He couldn't speak. It was too much for him, he was done. He wanted to scream that at the top of his lungs. He couldn't take anymore.  
    Heero tightened his grip around his friend as he fell limp in his arms. He felt around at his back for any wounds that might have caused him to pass out like that, but couldn't find anything. There were heavy black rings of tiredness under his eyes and he looked worn, like he had just come from a battlefield. Duo looked like he had lost some weight, Heero noted with pain. Trowa walked briskly back into the room, holding a blanket.  
    "Hurry, wrap him with this," he told Heero.  
    "I can't find where he's hurt," the blue-eyed boy said desperately, looking up at Trowa with a wide, scared expression, as though demanding the older boy to tell him what he was supposed to do.  
    "They'll figure that out at the hospital. You have to keep him warm, Heero, he's in shock," Trowa ordered.  
    Heero took the blanket from him and wrapped Duo in it, not liking how the boy stayed so still as he manhandled him. He was gentle and cradled him like he was made of finely crafted glass as Trowa led him out to his car. Quatre already had it started and out in the street, looking like he was about to have a panic attack. Normally, Heero refused to let anyone drive his car. Now, he just didn't care. It was probably just as well. He was in no shape to drive.  
    "C'mon, let's go!" the usually calm blonde yelled at the both of them as Heero slid into the back seat and Trowa sat up front with his lover, "I called your mom, she's going to meet us there!"  
    Heero nearly yelled at him to just drive, but Quatre was already speeding down their street. He kept Duo in his lap, holding him still, his fear growing and growing as the longhaired boy didn't wake up once during the entire ride to the hospital.  
  
*****  
  
    The emergency room gave Heero one, long shock of deja vu. It was exactly like that night, and he hated each and every reminder of it, how close Duo had come to dying. He hated the white walls and white floors and white uniforms, and how all that white made the blood drenching Duo's shirt seem so much brighter, so much more terrible. His best friend hadn't stirred the entire ride there and Heero had itched to check him all over for wounds but had been incapable to actually get his hands to move from cradling the longhaired boy to his chest, his blue eyes wide, but unseeing as he felt Duo's warmth, his very real weight in his arms. He had been too scared about what he might find.   
    He felt that fear now, that same exact fear as months before, turning his heart into a terrified bird in a cage, terrified that, just like before, he had failed, and Duo was going to be the one to pay for it. And again, when they took his friend from him, he felt that primal instinct to grab onto him for dear life, to not let the boy he loved to be taken away from him again, no matter what. But this time, for whatever reason, perhaps because his friends were there with him and some part of him understood that they would back him up if anything was wrong, or because he understood more of what was happening this time, he stayed still and let the various nurses and orderlies do what they were paid to do.   
    Still, he felt a gaping hole in his heart when Duo disappeared into the ER, like something vital had been torn from him. He flinched as Trowa put his hand on his shoulder. It was a welcome touch, a reminder that he wasn't completely alone this time, that if something went wrong, his friends would be with him the whole way. They wouldn't let him make a bad choice.   
    "C'mon, Heero, let's sit down," the taller boy said softly, leading him over to the waiting room chairs, "you're shaking."  
    And Heero realized that he was. Not just his hands anymore, but his entire body. Numbly, feeling more like a robot than a person, he did as he was told. As he sat down, he realized that there was blood streaked over his arms and his shirt. The thought that it was Duo's blood, his love's blood _again_ , made him almost break down into tears right then. Would this ever end? Would this nightmare ever be over? Or would this be the foundation of their relationship, hospital visits and him crying, even if it was only in his head?   
    Trowa met his boyfriend's aquamarine eyes and Quatre nodded, wandering over to the little bar that was next to the nurse's station to make Heero a cup of coffee. After an entire day of fruitless searching, only to suffer such a shock no more than ten minutes after they had come home, Heero needed rest, they all did, but he knew from experience that none of them would be sleeping until they got some sort of word from whatever doctor was seeing over their friend. Even if Heero didn't want the coffee, at least he could hold something warm. It was in the beginning of Summer, but Quatre felt ice cold.   
    He could still see it, behind his eyes, Heero cradling Duo's limp body, his bloody body, his childhood friend looking half crazy, and half like he was about to start sobbing with relief and fear at any moment. And suddenly, he realized that he was getting a taste of what his Japanese friend had gone through that night when he had found Duo collapsed in his bedroom, all by himself, and had sat in this very waiting room, for some kind of news, like a lone soldier. They had done all they had could do, they had gotten Duo here, but now what? What were they supposed to do, especially if something went really wrong? Quatre poured three cups of coffee for them and glanced back at Heero. He was sitting ramrod straight, staring at the floor like there was some great secret etched there. Quatre didn't want to think about what Heero would do if Wes had seriously hurt Duo, or worse.  
    Quatre sat down next to Heero and gave him and Trowa their coffee. Heero only held it and took to staring at the dark brown liquid instead of the floor. If he didn't look so alert and scared, Quatre would have thought he was sleepwalking. He wanted to sit next to his boyfriend, to put his hand on top of his like Trowa was doing to Heero, but knew who really needed him. He dimly understood that, with the two of them flanking their friend, they looked like a guard. A blonde nurse approached them with a clipboard and Quatre recognized her from the first ER visit they had had with Duo, she was the one that had the same last name as Trowa, but they weren't related.   
    He tensed, remembering all the issues they had had in this hospital, all the times that Name had ended up having to threaten a nurse or another staff member, just to be allowed to see Duo and make medical decisions for him. Rationally, he understood it. From there point of view, here came this woman who was used to people doing what she wanted just because she had money. To them, it looked like she was pushing them around, breaking their rules because she was rich and thought she could. It made a lot of proud people want to fight, to maintain order. But they didn't understand, and part of that was just because Name tried her hardest not to have them invade Duo's privacy. They were the only family Duo had.   
    The fact that they weren't his legal guardians didn't matter. Quatre knew that Duo didn't care if Name adopted him or not. All he cared about was if she loved him, a name wouldn't prove that to him. All that she had done proved it. If he really cared that much about a name, wouldn't he have resented taking Wes' last name? He wasn't sure. The waters of Duo's mind ran deep, and as much as he believed that they knew him well now, he knew that there were things buried deep inside of his heart that he didn't want any of them to know.   
    He wished there was some way Name could take responsibility for Duo without having to go through all the fanfare of adoption and legal documents, that they could just walk in here and be accepted as his family. That's what hurt the most, that in the eyes of the government, they were just strangers. To his relief, the nurse smiled kindly at them and handed Heero a clipboard.  
    "I take it your mother is going to take care of everything again?" she asked him.  
    Heero nodded silently.  
    "Please fill these forms out then," she said, "and do you need to use a phone to contact her? Is there anything you need me to tell his doctor about what happened?"  
    He shook his head, dismissing her as he scanned the paperwork she had given him.  
    "Thank you very much," Quatre smiled back at her, immediately falling into the role of the one in command, "We called her a little while ago, so she should be here very soon. And we really don't know anything more than the doctor does about this. Will you please tell us anything you can, right away?"  
    "Of course," she nodded and went on her way, through the door next to the nurse's station.  
    Quatre was happy to see her go. He hated having to lie. He didn't even know what to say. What had happened... what he _thought_ had happened wasn't going to help Duo right now. He didn't even know if what they assumed was right. They didn't know anything, not even how bad Duo's injuries were. Heero was completely focused on the paperwork affixed to the clipboard, like he was taking a test. A heavy silence fell between them as the Japanese teenager filled in Duo's fake name that they had used all the other times that he had been admitted here, his age, his race, his permanent address... Quatre and Trowa looked over at him in alarm as he paused in writing and gave a strained, bitter chuckle.   
    "It's a lie..." he murmured.  
    "What is, Heero?" Trowa asked softly, not liking how stressed his friend sounded.  
    "Everything. Everything on here... the only thing I know for certain is his blood type. Everything else, I either have no clue or it's an outright lie that we made up. He's my best friend... I _love_ him... and I know next to nothing about him. His real age, his real name, who his parents were, where he came from, where he lived with Wes for most of his life... all those things, he's never said or even he doesn't know..." fresh tears tracked down his cheeks, "I should know these things..."  
    "Are they that important?" the Italian boy asked.  
    "Of course they are!" Heero snapped at him, the nurse at the station who was on the phone pausing in her conversation to give them wary looks, "They're a part of him, part of what makes him who he is!"  
    "But are they important?" Trowa snapped back, "How old he really is, his real name, who his parents were... do they change anything? Do they change who he is or how you feel about him? If you suddenly knew all those things, would it help him now, would it help _you?!_ You did everything you could, Heero. You didn't chase him away this time, you didn't make him cry."  
    Heero covered his mouth with his hand, his feelings from that time rushing back from some dark place in his heart. His guilt, that terrible gnawing guilt of the monster he had been, the horrible things he had said, _hitting Duo_ , chasing him away into the night for worse monsters to feast on him. Almost getting him killed. He had let Duo believe that he had moved past all of that, but it was a lie. Even now, it ate at him and haunted his dreams, that for a moment, he had become something pathetic and weak, that he had hurt someone who had needed his help. Deep inside, he knew that Trowa was right. He wasn't to blame for this. He hadn't thrown Duo away for Wes to find him. So why did he feel like it was his fault, for not being able to protect him?  
    "He came back to us, Heero," Quatre whispered, "No matter what happened, who took him, or what they did to him, he came back. Duo's strong, you know that. Even if he doesn't, we all know how strong he is. He returned home, all under his own power. Do you really think, if there's something wrong with him, he won't pull through _now_ when he's almost back with us again? We aren't finished yet, we didn't fail him, because our part hasn't started yet. He escaped, and now the doctors are going to fix everything that they can and when they're done, we're going to fix everything that we can. You can't blame yourself right now, you don't have that luxury."  
    Heero let Quatre stern, but honest words fill his heart and felt himself nod and start to write again. It wasn't over... that was right. Just like last time, the hard part, the really hard part, hadn't been looking for Duo, or finding him wrapped up in a bloody sheet in his bedroom. It had been after, listening to Duo's sobbing words of what had happened to him. It had been picking up the pieces. He steeled himself and fought back his tears. Whether or not he could blame himself for this... he would figure that out in due time. He handed the clipboard to Trowa who took it back to the nurse's station.  
    All he could do now was wait for someone to tell him what injuries his friend had, and for his mother to show up to take control of this situation from him. And then, the hard part, the part that was _important_ , would begin.  
  
*****  
  
    Name got there no more than twenty minutes than they had. Quatre was sure that she had broken all kinds of traffic laws to get there in the time she did, remembering how curt she had been with him on the phone once he had told her that Duo had found his way home. She looked out of breath and almost as panicked as her son did. Then, for a period of time, chaos the likes that only Name could bring, ensued. Without even taking a second to ask Quatre to elaborate on what had happened or ask Heero if he was ok, she had flagged down Nurse Barton, gave Duo's insurance and her credit information and had a lengthy talk with her.   
    Quatre caught the words 'visiting privileges', 'notification', and 'anemia' several times and they only made him feel more anxious, but some part of him felt comforted, seeing her take charge like that. The first time they had met, Nurse Barton had seemed so flustered by the other woman's power and demands, hesitant to do what she was asked and clinging stubbornly to hospital policy. Now, she just nodded along with everything Name said. Perhaps, after three hospital visits, the nurse understood that when the hurricane named Name Yuy came knocking at your door, the only sensible thing to do was to get the hell out of her way.   
    Confident that Duo would well taken care of, Name turned her attention to the boys. She looked exhausted and completely in control at the same time. Her whole demeanor softened as she walked up to them, her black eyes flickering to her son every now and then. She hadn't been out on official business, no doubt trying to get word from her various connections that she had sent out to find Duo, dressed in a casual pair of jeans and a simple, navy blue top that had probably flustered the nurse more than her rapid fire demands.   
    "What happened?" she asked Trowa, focusing her attention to the calmest looking of the three, "Is it true, Duo came home?"  
    "Yes," Trowa answered, "Heero got to him first, but... he just... walked in through the front door, like nothing had happened..."  
    "He was covered in blood..." Heero murmured, not looking at his mother but at the floor again, "He was confused... like he had just woken up and didn't know where he was... he... he..."  
      
 _"He had a knife, and it was covered in blood. Dark blood. And I looked and I looked, but I couldn't find a wound... he was hurt, but I couldn't **find** it!"_  
  
    "He was shaking... in shock..." he said instead.   
    He didn't want to tell anyone about the knife. Some part of him screamed at him that the smartest thing he had done all night was toss it under the bed. He had thought he had done it for Duo's safety... he had been so sure of that... had he? When he had seen that knife, so drenched in blood, he had panicked. He had been terrified that Duo might cut himself with it... but had that been the only reason why he had hid it like that? His mother knelt down in front of him and lightly touched his hand. She frowned at how cold it was. Unlike Heero, Quatre, and Trowa, her hands were steady, but Heero knew that if she had seen Duo, they wouldn't be. No, it was more like she was forcing herself not to fall apart like the rest of them. He saw the fear in her eyes very clearly, as it mirrored his own, but she knew that she had to stay calm.  
    "Did he say anything to you, anything at all?" she asked quietly, making sure that no one would be able to eavesdrop on them. There were only three other people in the ER waiting room, one was fast asleep, another on the other side of the room, and the nurse was still on the phone.   
    Heero shook his head.  
    "Not a single word," he said.  
    Name sighed.   
    "What were his injuries?" she asked, keeping her son from drifting off into anxiety again.  
    "I... I don't know..." Heero admitted, thinking of the blood again, "There was so much blood, I couldn't really tell. It looked like he had cuts all over his arms. His face was bruised really badly, and he's lost weight. That's all I could tell."  
    She stood up and ran a hand through her hair. This time, it was a little bit less than steady. She felt an immense deja vu sweep over her. When Duo had gone missing, she had known that they would end up here again, especially if Wes was the one who had kidnapped him. She hated it, but at the same time, she also felt a massive sense of relief. They were here, which meant that Duo was alive, that there was enough left to help and heal. Better here than in a morgue, or nowhere at all. He _was_ here, somewhere beyond the doors that they weren't allowed to go through, laying on a stretcher, perhaps being operated on again, getting a blood transfusion from some nameless person, she didn't know. But he was within her reach, not in the hands of a monster. Right now, that was good enough for her.   
    Quatre moved over so Name could sit down next to Heero. She leaned heavily against him, not a single one of them saying anything. None of them needed to. They all felt the same terror, the same anxiety. No magazines or books were passed between them. They sat still in the stiff, waiting room chairs and did just that. They waited.  
  
*****  
  
    It was longer than it had been before. Heero did not know how that was possible, or even what it meant, but hour after hour passed them by with no word from Doctor Stark or anyone else. The night and early morning came, the sun rose outside, and he watched time pass through person after person being admitted to the ER, some with gun shot wounds or broken bones. There had been a child that had drunk some drain cleaner, according to her screaming mother. Just two hours later, a doctor that Heero didn't recognize came out and tried to lead her mother away, but she refused to budge. Finally, with great reluctance, he had told her that they hadn't gotten to her in time. Her daughter had passed away.   
    Eventually, she let herself be led into the ER, though she had still been screaming and sobbing uncontrollably. Heero was glad to see her go. Every cry and near screech had reminded him of his mother, locking herself in her room and sobbing when his father had died. It made his nerves feel icy cold and he had to fight to keep his own sobs from starting. After five hours, Nurse Barton left and came back with coffee for all of them, real coffee, not the shit the hospital served.   
    "Have you heard from him at all?" Name demanded, looking like a pent up lioness, her eyes blazing and her muscles tense.  
    The nurse shook her head.  
    "I'm so sorry, Mrs. Yuy. I asked his nurse assistant what was going on and she couldn't tell me much. All I learned was that he isn't in surgery, but there's been an alert placed," she informed her.  
    Heero felt like someone had shocked his heart as it skipped a few beats, only to speed up into a mad rhythm.  
    "An alert?" Name asked breathlessly, "What does that even mean?!"  
    "I don't know," the nurse admitted, "It could be a number of things. He could have had a panic attack, or they could be prepping him for another blood transfusion. I'll keep asking, but I'm not one of Dr. Stark's staff, so information is slow at best. I'm so sorry."  
    Name shook her head and thanked her. The news was a mix of relief and fear to her. She knew from experience that if something had really gone wrong, if Duo had died or gone into a coma or something equally horrible, they would have told her by now, and that he wasn't being operated on was a good thing, wasn't it? But why was there an alert? Just what had Wes done?  
    Nearly ten hours went by before Stark emerged from the ER and by then, they were all jumping out of their skin. Quatre and Trowa had managed to doze off a few times, though not for more than a couple of hours, but Heero and Name had stayed wide awake. Heero looked worse than the people that were admitted into the ER and Name wanted to tell him to try to sleep, but didn't dare. Heero didn't know if he should glare at Stark for taking so long or be relieved to see him. He examined every inch of the doctor's clothing for even the tiniest drop of blood, but he was in his white coat, not surgical scrubs. Heero had no idea what that meant.   
    "Come with me," he nodded to Name and Heero, then walked through the emergency room doors without looking back to see if they would.  
    Quatre wanted to scream at him that they needed to come, too, but Name shook her head at him and he understood that this was not the time or the place to argue about who had visiting rights. Heero and Name needed to be with Duo more than they did and he knew that they wouldn't keep them in the dark for long. Heero followed the doctor, feeling like he was in walking coma, like nothing around him was real except for himself and the doctor. Beyond the large, swinging doors was a long hallway. Nurses and orderlies bustled around, pushing carts and running from one room to the next. Stark led them to a little side hallway, where he turned to address them. The hallway was out of the way of everything, a place where they could talk and, perhaps, yell.   
    "What the hell is going on?!" Name snapped at him.  
    This time, Stark wasn't coping an attitude towards her. He looked very tired and agitated. As he crossed his arms over his chest, the sleeve of his coat on his right arm pulled up and Heero saw a fresh bandage.  
    "Is Duo alive?" Heero blurted out. He didn't care about anything else. He didn't even care if Stark had kept them waiting just to piss them off.  
    "Yes," Stark told him in a flat, exhausted tone, "and he isn't in any danger, currently. He lost some blood, but the transfusions were a success."  
    "Then what has taken so long-" Name demanded.  
    "All that blood," Heero interrupted, "He was stabbed," the knife flashed in his head, "or shot, wasn't he?"  
    "No," Stark said, utterly confusing the both of them, "His injuries were not that severe. If I had to wager a guess, that blood isn't his."  
    Heero paled. What was going on here? Was Stark lying to them? No, he decided. He remembered his own frantic search for the wound to cause that much blood, and how sure he had been that the reason why no one had stepped forward in the waiting room to tell them that Duo was out of surgery was because he was dead. There was no way anyone, let alone someone with Duo's health problems, could lose that much blood and live.   
    "His arms are all slashed up, which is why he needed the blood, but there are little other external injuries," Stark intoned, "He has very heavy bruising on his wrists and the side of his face, as well as his neck. He also has a bad concussion."  
    Heero's guilt emerged like a poisonous snake in his gut. He had let Duo black out. What if he had brain damage because of his stupid mistake? He should have realized it, with the blood on the side of his head, but had been so concerned with the blood splashed on his shirt, that it had hadn't occurred to him that Duo might have a head wound. Why was he so fucking stupid?!  
    "How bad is it?" Name asked, even as she was afraid of the answer.  
    "We already gave him x-rays and his skull isn't anymore damaged than it was before," the doctor assured her, "He's going to have a bad headache and act very confused for the next couple of days, but I believe we're out of the woods in that area."  
    Both she and Heero let go of the strained breaths they had been holding. Duo already had short term memory problems, how would he handle it if it got worse?  
    "The trouble isn't the concussion or blood loss, it's his immune system."  
    "Because of his spleen?" Heero guessed and Stark nodded.  
    "I don't know what happened, but he obviously hasn't been taking his medication. The weight loss isn't indicative of that, but it's made his condition worse. He's running a high fever and has some sort of low grade infection. Honestly, it wouldn't be as bad as it is, but he's been sick for awhile, more than just a day, so it's run havoc in his body. He's very weak and fatigued, a little bit malnourished, there's some inflammation in his muscles. He is also very dehydrated, but we're giving him a heavy dose of fluids and antibiotics. Unless the infection is a lot worse than we think, he should be able to leave here in three days."  
    Heero almost broke down into tears. It was ok... Duo had got out of this without some sort of terrible gaping wound or illness? Then why did he still feel like all of their heads were on the chopping block here?  
    "Honestly, Duo was very lucky," Stark admitted honestly, "His system was compromised, and in a couple more days without his meds, his body would have shut down a lot more severely than it had started to. He probably would have died. We already noticed some of the signs, fluid in his lungs, the beginnings of an infection in his kidneys, but nothing bad enough that some rest and the right medicine won't cure in just a few days. That being said... there is a complication..."  
    "A complication," Name echoed in disbelief.  
    Heero clenched his fists. He had known, but he hadn't wanted to really think about it, that there had to be a good reason for this lack of communication.  
   _But he said that he's alive and isn't in danger, that's all that really matters. I can handle anything else, I **can**._  
    "At first I was willing to dismiss it as a panic attack or confusion from his concussion, but..." Stark shook his head, "While we were giving him the first blood transfusion, he woke up. And in the time that my back was turned, no more than sixty seconds, he had ripped out two of his IVs. He then got a hold of the scalpel I had used to cut his shirt off of him."  
     Heero eyed Stark's bandaged arm, putting the pieces together in his mind.  
    "He didn't know where he was," he protested in Duo's behalf, "He thought he was in danger, he was just trying to protect himself!"  
    He could imagine it easily. Duo had problems with hospitals and needles on a good day, but if he woke up and still thought Wes had him, of course he would grab the nearest sharp object and try to save himself.  
    "By the time I got to him, he had stabbed _himself_ four times in the leg," Stark said gruffly.  
    Name's eyes widened and she looked at him with a horrified expression.  
    "He _wouldn't_ do that!" Heero growled at him in denial, positive that the doctor was trying to pull something.  
    "It was when I tried to get the scalpel away from him that he cut my arm," Stark shot back at him, "Even without any sharp objects to use, he tried to hurt himself two more times before I could get the IV's back in him. I had to sedate and restrain him to get him to stay still for that long."  
    "Stark-" Name warned.  
    "I took his anemia into account," Stark cut her off angrily, getting pissed off by the way that they were looking at him, like he was the crazy one and not the boy that had lashed out at him, "I gave him a small enough dosage to keep him still long enough for me to treat him so he wouldn't make things worse, and he needs the rest anyway."   
    "Is there any reason why we can't see him?" Name asked curtly, burning with the need to see the chestnut haired boy with her own eyes.  
    Stark snorted.  
    "Follow me," he grumbled and led the two of them down the hallway.   
    With each step, Heero felt like he was unraveling, what little left of himself he had under control. Stark's words had done absolutely nothing to ease his anxiety. Duo wasn't under any immediate danger, but he was still _here_ , he still needed this place to get better, and to him, that was bad enough. And he didn't trust Stark. The man had never really done anything necessarily bad, he just rubbed Heero the wrong way. He seemed to detest their presence and, despite the fact that Stark was a good doctor and they owed him Duo's life, he wouldn't put it past the man to do... _something_ , for the sake of his pride. What that something was, Heero had no idea, he just felt on edge around him.   
    Plus, he remembered how Duo had seemed so wary around him at first and even the last time they had visited, appeared to only to be on guard whenever the doctor had been in his room. Heero didn't trust Stark, but he trusted Duo's opinion of peoples' characters. All that about Duo trying to hurt himself... he just couldn't believe that. He knew how terrified that younger boy got when he was sick and thought he was being surrounded, but he hadn't just attacked Stark, but himself. He couldn't believe that Duo would stab himself in the leg. He just couldn't think of a reason why he had done it...  
    Maybe... maybe Duo still thought he was with Wes... or _worse_. What if he believed that he had escaped, but that Wes had gotten him back? Maybe that had been the last straw for him and he, in his delirious state, had decided to try to kill himself instead of be with his abuser anymore... but if that was the case, why hadn't he tried to slit his own wrists instead of just go for his leg? Heero shivered as Stark stopped at one of the rooms and opened the door, that image of Duo ripping out his IVs, grabbing the scalpel, and opening his wrists burned in his head.   
  
*****  
  
    Duo was sedated, but his sleep was far from restful. As though he were floating on stormy waves, he rose from violent, troubled dreams to just as troubled thoughts that came from that dark and sadistic voice in his head, only to fall back into more nightmares nearly as quickly as the others had faded. He couldn't remember his previous dream, only that it had something to do with the times he had been living on the street, the feeling of snow, prickling his bare skin, and the taste of rat in his mouth.   
    Now, the ground beneath his feet wasn't ice-cold pavement. It was the hallway of Wes' apartment. His feet were still bare and they still felt cold.  
    'I don't want to be here,' he thought, 'I escaped here... didn't I?'  
    "Did you?" that all-knowing voice asked.  
    This time, the voice wasn't just in his head. His self stood in front of him, in front of the closed, closet door. Like with most dreams, the details weren't perfect. This Duo seemed taller to him, even though they met each other's stare at the same level. His hair was darker, but more like it was dirty than it was naturally darker. He was thinner and paler, but not sickly. His eyes seemed to not be able to make up their minds on what color they wanted to be, one moment pitch black, the next the same shade of blood red that Shi's were. The details were skewed, but Duo somehow understood that this was him, and just looking at the specter frightened him, though he didn't know why.   
    "You killed him," it accused.  
    Pain, rage, sorrow, grief, remorse, and indescribable guilt shot through him all at once with those words, making him feel like his heart was being torn in his chest with hot razorblades.   
    'No!' he screamed, shaking his head frantically in denial, and even in his dream, he could feel the tears pouring down his cheeks, 'I didn't do it! I didn't kill him! There's no way I could have killed him!'  
    His doppelganger smirked.  
    "Do you think that he's the Boogeyman, even now? Do you really think, even _he_ could have survived it... when you plunged that blade into his _throat?_ "  
    Duo felt like screaming, and maybe he was. It seemed like he was.   
    'No,' he cried, 'I didn't mean it... I didn't mean to hurt him... I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted to run away... I didn't **mean** it! I couldn't have... I couldn't... not to him... there's no way he could have died because of me...'      
    And deep in the dream, he clung to that reassurance. He was weak and pathetic, nothing more than a crying child. Always had been. That Wes could have died, the same man that had taken out gangs and created a criminal empire out of nothing... because of that wailing child... he couldn't accept that. Wes couldn't be dead, he couldn't have killed him. He hadn't wanted to. After everything the man had done to him, he hadn't _wanted_ to kill him!  
    His other self only continued to smirk at him, then pointed to the floor. Duo followed his gesture to the space under the closet door. A pool of blood grew on the carpet there, moving almost like a tide, spreading over the floor like something alive. From behind him, he heard footsteps. Familiar footsteps, with all of the power of thunder. He whirled, but his body felt wrong, not really sluggish, but like there was something wrong with his right leg.   
    Wes stood there, as though he just come storming out of the kitchen. A tiny, conscious part of himself expected to see him dressed in a suit, just like he had been the first time they had met, even as he knew, somehow, that Wes had stopped needing that charade long, long ago. He was just wearing jeans and a black t-shirt. He had his belt clenched in one hand and his grey eyes were bright with fury.   
   _'I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry for what I did!'_ he wanted to scream, but the words wouldn't come. Seeing his dea- ... his pimp there, he felt a strange mix of relief, guilt, and fear.   
    He felt himself take a faltering step backwards. Wes looked bigger, because he wasn't a teenager right now. He was smaller and his abuser, in comparison, looked like some towering monster.   
    "Get the fuck over here, _now_!" Wes snarled in the authoritative, cold tone that Duo was so used to hearing whenever he was about to be punished for something.  
    Duo was aware of a sense of deja vu, a memory that prickled the back of his head, but in his nightmare, it eluded him. He felt himself shake his head, as though his body were moving on its own.  
    "Please," he heard himself say, but they weren't his words, at least not his present ones, "please, I didn't _mean_ it!"  
    Wes was completely unfazed by his pleas, striding forward with that same cold, annoyed look on his face. Duo's older self knew what the child he had been had not. Protesting his punishment was the biggest mistake he could have made. Seeing the intent in those stony eyes, Duo tried to run, but as he twisted, pain flared in his right ankle. He managed a meager three steps before his leg spasmed ( _swollen... my ankle was swollen because he had tied me up and I had struggled so much trying to get out of it, I pulled a bunch of muscles in my leg and ankle..._ ) and he fell.   
    In no more than a second, Wes was on him like a wolf after an injured deer. He grabbed his downed prey by his wounded leg and dragged him back. Duo felt like he couldn't breathe and honestly couldn't tell if that was just another part of his memory. He heard the soft sound of Wes swinging his belt, a sound that even his younger self had easily become familiar with from his earlier days of training, back when he had had enough of his self left to try to fight what was happening to him. He heard the sound for only a second, then the rest of them were drowned out by his startled cries.  
    Wes had hit him hundreds of times by then, mostly whenever he had misbehaved or failed in his training. It wouldn't be until later that he would teach Duo how such blows might be used to pleasure his clients. He had always hit him with the soft end of the belt, aiming for pain and bruises. This time, he hit him with the buckle. Each hit with it created a trail of liquid fire, tearing open his shirt and his skin. The sharp pain drove the air from his lungs, robbing his cries of any kind of volume or power. All he was aware of was that pain arching over his back, and how wet his skin suddenly felt.   
    "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, I'm so sorry," he heard someone say, their voice warped and small, barely audible over the thwack of the belt and the ripping sounds of his ruined shirt. He dimly realized that the voice was his own.   
    Wes seemed satisfied with the damage he had done and ceased the blows, but the cessation in rhythm only turned the sharper pains into throbbing, agonizing ones. Duo remembered crying, and he could hear his child self crying, but he, himself, wasn't. Truthfully, Wes hadn't hit him that hard, not as hard as he was used to him doing once he had gotten older, and his skin had gotten thicker. Even through his anger at being disobeyed, some part of Wes had held back, aware of how easy it was to break a small, underfed child.   
    But he still felt the tears behind his eyes, waiting to break forth. It wasn't the pain, at least not the pain in his ankle and back. It was the pain he felt every time he felt Wes' eyes on him, that familiar stare. It was the pain he felt every time he heard his voice or even the steady, controlled blows he was so used to. Every part of Wes that was forever burned into his soul, things that he wanted to exorcise, but knew that he never could. Those feelings... even in his dreams, he could feel the ache in his chest, the yearning. And deeper inside of that pain, he could smell blood, heavier than his own, and hear the wet sound of a knife piercing solid flesh. It made that yearning and ache grow and grow and grow into a black hole inside of him. He didn't know what he wanted. He was terrified, and guilty, and just didn't know where that yearning belonged among them.  
    Wes grabbed him by his injured ankle and dragged him into the closet, Duo's torn shirt riding up and his blood streaking the carpet. His older self remembered struggling to clean it later. Before Wes slammed the door closed, Duo got a glimpse of him in the last view of light he would get until the morning when Wes had let him out again. His handsome face was as stony as his eyes, his dark blonde bangs falling in his face for a brief moment, starting to get a bit long and messy. Duo was overcome with misery and self-hatred. He wanted to fling his arms around the man and cling to him, as though he thought that his embrace could keep Wes with him, could turn back the clock.  
  
 _I'm so sorry._  
  
    His child self scrambled to the door, but it was too late. The door closed and he was submerged in darkness. Memories, from both back then and currently, bombarded him. Memories of one hot summer living on the streets when a three day long black out had turned his nights into a nightmarish war zone. Memories of a semen soaked bed and manacles around his wrists and ankles. Memories of Wes sitting next to him in this same closet during his delirium, stroking his sweat dampened hair more gently than he had ever touched him before.  
      
 _"I love you so very much. Why do you have to be so stubborn?"_  
  
 _Please forgive me._  
  
    His child self beat frantically at the door, equally terrified of the darkness and being trapped, nearly hyperventilating in the small space.  
    "Please, please!" he shrieked, both sobbing and screaming at once, "I'm sorry! Please let me out!"  
  
 _Let me out let me out let me out_  
  
    "I'll be good, I _promise_! I didn't mean it! Please... I'm sorry... please!"  
  
     _Let me go_  
  
    His words faded away to a choked sob as he stopped striking the door, drained of his energy and adrenaline. Over his cries, Wes' voice came through the door, hard and cold, tinged with anger, when in his memory, there had only been silence.  
    "Saying you're sorry isn't good enough," he snapped and Duo heard his footsteps moving down the hallway.   
    Agony wracked his heart, each word like its own nest of wasps, stinging him over and over again.   
      
 _Please forgive me. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry!_  
  
 _"Saying you're sorry isn't good enough."_  
  
    No. No, it _had_ to be good enough! He had to be forgiven. He just wanted to take the whole thing back.  
    'You took the life of another person,' his other, darker self accused.  
    Duo sobbed in the darkness.  
    "I didn't mean it..."  
    'You severed his jugular vein with his own knife,' the voice continued coldly, but there was a hint of glee in that inner voice.  
    "No!" the longhaired boy screamed in denial, shaking his head frantically, "I didn't _know_! I hadn't meant to hurt him, it was an accident!"  
    An image flashed in his head, the very last time he had seen Wes, lying in a pool of his blood. His dead, grey eyes accusing him...  
    'You didn't mean to do it?'  
    And suddenly, the doppelganger was behind him, or maybe it always had been, staring down at him in contempt.  
    "You're full of shit."  
  
*****  
  
    It took every remaining ounce of will power that he had left not to run into Duo's hospital room. Stark let Name and Heero enter the room first, taking his time to talk to a passing nurse. Heero didn't care. Stark and his mother faded into white noise.  
    Duo was hooked up to significantly fewer IVs and machines than that other time. Heero could clearly identify the lines giving him blood, the ones giving him fluids, and the ones feeding him medication and antibiotics. It helped soothe the fear and paranoia he always felt every single time he found himself in rooms like these. there were no avert signs that Duo had been operated on, just some pristine, white bandages wrapped around both of his arms, and the side of his head near his temple. The mint-green covers were pulled up to his chest, so Heero couldn't tell if Stark had been telling the truth about Duo stabbing himself, but he would make sure once his heart was done doing its acrobatics.  
    The sight of the black bruises on his best friend's white neck, the very defined shape of fingers, enraged him. It made everything hit home to him with a very cold reality. Duo had been kidnapped and hurt, maybe even raped again. He wanted to demand that Stark check to make sure his friend hadn't been sexually assaulted, but he wouldn't do that to Duo. The violet eyed boy would tell him on his own if there was a chance that he had internal injuries. There was a blush on his face from the fever, but the rest of him was deathly pale. The dark circles under his eyes made him look five years older than he was, at least. His hair was dirty and it was loose. That fact startled him before he remembered that it had been down when he had found him in his bedroom.  
    There was a chair next to the bed and he made a beeline for it. Sitting so close to Duo had him nearly vibrating with nervous and excited energy. He was safe now... wasn't he? He had promised Duo that he would protect him from Wes, but he had failed. Normally, that knowledge would have sent him spiraling into crippling guilt and self-hatred, but Duo hadn't needed him feeling sorry for himself. He had needed his strength and courage. The only thing that had sustained him these last five days, the only thing that had made his nights and dreams even slightly bearable was his belief that, had he been here, none of this would have happened. He never would have failed him.  
    But wasn't that completely arrogant? If Wes tried to get Duo back from this hospital, would he be able to stop him? The last time they had met, Wes had kicked his ass, even without his gun. Heero reached over and touched Duo's hand, his heart pounding like a tribal drum. He had to protect him, _had_ to. He had to prove to both Wes and Duo that he could. But he still felt so powerless.  
    Just like Stark had told him, Duo's wrists were tied down to the bed, but Heero saw with immense relief that they weren't the very thick leather straps that he had always seen them use on mental patients in movies and television, but simple, thin black straps that worked, not with a buckle but Velcro secured in such a way that only a second party could pull them open. But still, seeing his love's thin, white wrists tied down was heart breaking. If Duo woke up and discovered he was tied down, he was going to have a panic attack. Thinking of those violet eyes widening in terror had him grabbing the nearest cuff, ready to pry it open.  
    "Don't," Stark ordered.  
    Heero glared back at him, but his mother spoke for him, her voice strong even though she looked pale and worried from Duo's appearance.  
    "Is this really necessary?" she demanded, "He's sedated and he isn't some kind of lunatic!"  
    "I only gave him enough to settle him down," the doctor snapped at her, "He fell asleep because he's sick and lacking proper nutrients. And that was an hour ago. He should be waking up soon. Also, it is the policy of this hospital that any patient that attempts to harm either themselves or others be restrained for the duration of their stay unless they are seen by a psych councilor. Which I am recommending in his chart, especially if he continues to try to hurt himself."  
    "He's sick," Name said as calmly as she could at that moment, "and he doesn't know where he is, it doesn't mean he's unbalanced."  
    But Stark heard the slight doubt in her voice and knew that she was examining every detail in this situation. He hated her, but even he had to admit he admired her composure and rational thinking. Most women couldn't possibly conceive that their children or other family members would do something like this, but this woman knew that, with the boy's history, being unbalanced was not outside the realm of possibility.  
    "He's been sick and confused before," he pressed, "and this is the first time he's reacted this way."  
    "Look," Name pointed out tiredly, "Heero and I are going to be watching over him. We'll make sure he doesn't hurt himself and try to find out why he's acting like this, if it continues."  
    "Fine," Stark snapped, "But if this behavior continues, I _will_ send him for counseling."  
    Name was shocked at the ease that Stark had agreed. He didn't want to, she could see that stubbornness in his expression. But there was something... _different_ about him from the last times they had met. He wasn't being as pompous, like he was holding back. Being cautions. No, it was more than that. He was distracted by something, something that had nothing to do with them, perhaps a more urgent patient. Name quickly decided that she didn't care _why_ Stark was letting the issue go, only that, for Duo's sake, she was going to exploit it.   
    Heero hastily undid the straps and saw that even Duo's wrists were bandaged, and what little skin he could see was heavily bruised from something thicker than the hospital restraints. Heero touched the black bruises with just the barest brush of his fingertips, so Duo wouldn't feel any pain, even in his sleep. It felt so good to feel his skin again and he felt an equally deep pain that he couldn't hug him. Behind him, Stark gave Name the remainder of Duo's paperwork, which she filled out quickly, having filled out similar forms so many times now, she could do it with her eyes closed. Once she was done, the doctor bustled away, leaving the three of them alone in uncomfortable silence.  
    Name walked over the bed and looked down at Duo with an expression that was soft with worry, love, and a great deal of relief, a look that only a mother could prefect. She gently brushed his forehead with the back of her hand, frowning at the heat radiating from his skin. She felt a powerful need for Duo to wake up, to see his violet eyes and hear, in his own voice, that he was ok. Heero remembered her touching his own forehead like that whenever he had been sick and how good it had always felt.  
    "He'll be ok, Heero," she assured her son even as she continued to examine her charge, committing every bruise and bandage to memory.  
    Heero knew that she didn't need to look at him to know how bad his anxiety was, he was sure he was wearing the same worried look that his mother was.  
    "You can't know that," he murmured, "even if he recovers physically-"  
    "You don't give him enough credit," she said sadly as she pulled a chair up next to Heero's, "He's strong, stronger than you realize. Duo's been through a lot in his life, but he's never fully given up. If he had, he wouldn't have picked himself up so quickly when he had been allowed to go back to school, he wouldn't have cared enough to. I know he seems like he's fragile, and some parts of him are," she reached over to hold his hand, "but we'll take care of him, just like we always have."  
    "But this is _Wes_ ," he argued, "and he had Duo. Who knows what he did to him! I mean... look at his neck..."  
    Heero pulled his hand away from his mother and wrapped his arms around himself, suddenly feeling chilled. Name replaced his hand with Duo's, not as afraid as her son was of hurting him. His hand felt cold to her, but he curled his fingers a little, responding to her touch and making her smile.   
    "We'll deal with that when we get to it," she murmured, "Whatever that bastard did to him, whatever pain he's in, we'll deal with it," her black eyes turned fierce as she stroked the top of Duo's hand, "I won't let that monster near him again, I won't even allow him to get the _chance_."  
    Heero looked at his mother, ready to be angry at her. She had always been more concerned with trying to find Wes through legal channels, to have him arrested and tried like any other criminal. She had told him that it was what Duo deserved, it was the right thing, and until Wes had shot his best friend in the woods, he had believed it, too. But Wes had stepped up this twisted game of his. He had put someone they loved deeply in mortal and psychological danger. Duo was an incredible person. No matter how much he got hurt, he always thought of the welfare of others and tried to do the right thing. It was one of the many things that he loved about him.   
    Ever since he had nearly killed one of their classmates for insulting, and verbally threatening Duo, Heero had promised him that he would never do anything like that again, and he had vowed to himself that he would never, ever let Duo see him be controlled by his anger again. He had tried to become a better person, someone like Duo that always tried to be peaceful and do what was 'right'. But he _wasn't_ like his best friend. He had come a long way from the bitter boy he had once been, but when it came to seeing his friends hurt, he couldn't stop the wave of fury that entered him, the _need_ to eliminate any threat. How could he stand by and let Wes continue breathing air, or any of Duo's other abusers, when they would only keep hurting him? He didn't care if it was right or wrong. He just wanted Duo to be safe, and it was high time his mother realized that, too.  
    He stopped before any words left his mouth, really looking at her. Her eyes weren't just fiery, but also stony, like hardening lava, and the hand that wasn't gently holding Duo's was curled into a tight fist. He had never seen her with this sort of expression before, like a warrior ready to do battle. She was serious, he realized. She wasn't going to stop until Duo was safe, truly safe. It should have scared him. For as long as he could remember, his mother had been this calm, driving force. Always constant and patient. Even when she had been angry, she had been rational and fair.   
    Heero had a revelation at that moment. Wes was like an especially voracious sort of plague. He moved from person to person, infecting them, changing them until they were as full of darkness as he was. He had taken a scared, lonely little boy and turned him into a trained pet. He had made them all so desperate that they were willing to resort to murder to make them all safe again. Duo was the only one that hadn't broken his resolve. He should have been scared, realizing how much Wes had changed his little family, but seeing the anger in his mother's eyes actually made him feel a lot better.   
    Duo's fingers moved again, this time squeezing down harder on Name's hand and keeping the pressure on. His brows furrowed and Name quickly recognized the signs that he was starting to wake up. She stood and placed a hand on his forehead, stroking his bangs lightly, hoping the familiar touch would help ease him out of any nightmares.  
    "Sweetheart," she tried to soothe, seeing how his expression was tight and anxious, whether from that feeling of being drugged or if he was remembering something unpleasant she didn't know. While his mother was focused on Duo, Heero was more concerned about the heart monitor, which was steadily beeping faster and faster. Slowly, as though it was costing him a great amount of energy to do so, Duo opened his eyes. In one moment, those blue-violet eyes were clouded over with sleep, the lingering effects of the sedative, and confusion. In the next, he was wide awake with fear and adrenaline.  
    Name had only a second of warning to back away as Duo burst up into a sitting position, thankfully not disturbing the IV lines too much. His eyes were wide and he looked around frantically for something, but he didn’t see his surroundings at all, like he was still dreaming. His terrified, shocked look reminded Heero of a documentary he had watched once, when a young gazelle had tried to cross a river to catch up with its herd, only to be snatched up in the cold, uncaring jaws of a hungry crocodile.  
    The worst part of it was that Duo wasn’t making any noise. Not a whimper or a murmured word, he wasn’t crying or screaming. He was breathing hard, but that was all. The both of them were at a loss of what to do, of how to snap him out of it, knowing that grabbing him was a very bad idea. As they waited, he seemed to get some kind of awareness, but noticing his surroundings only confused him more. Duo looked down at his arms and they thought it was the bandages he was looking at, but it wasn’t. It was the blood he was seeing, the blood that the nurse had meticulously washed off of him.  
    Wes’ blood. The blood _he_ had made him bleed. Splashing, pouring, dripping down on him. Soaking into his skin. So warm... like a living thing. But it wasn’t alive. It wasn’t alive because he had _killed_ the person it belonged to. Unbeknownst to Duo, he had started to hyperventilate and his heart monitor was ringing an alarm. He could feel it sticking to his skin, drying on his shirt, a part of a person, the evidence of the horrible thing that he had done. He rubbed at his left arm, but it didn’t go away. It never would. How could you possibly wash something like this away?  
    Heero watched as Duo started to struggle to breathe, each inhale and exhale raspy as he tried to get air into his damaged throat and felt like he was going to have a panic attack himself. He couldn’t stand that pained noise, and he couldn’t take Duo’s strange silence. His immediate instinct was to embrace him tightly, to hold him in his arms, but knew that was the wrong thing to do here, that it would only make Duo retreat further from reality. Instead, he gently placed his hand on Duo’s arm, a small, but unthreatening touch. Agony ripped through his heart as the other boy flinched from him, but it was only a momentary instinct. Then, Duo’s eyes were on him instead of staring at something only he could see, and Heero felt that he had managed to reach some rational part of the teenager’s mind.  
    “Duo, it’s ok,” he said softly, “You’re safe now.”  
    Tears slid down his cheeks as Heero's words rang in his head. He was safe. He had escaped... he wasn’t in the dark anymore. There was nothing holding him back. No monster, no boogieman breathing down his neck.  
  
     _‘And there never will be again,’_ the voice jeered, making Duo shake a little with the wave of mixed emotions that filled him with that thought.  
      
    He wasn’t in the place he _wanted_ to be, Duo ignored the voice, but he was with the ones he wanted to be with. He wanted to hug Heero and not let him go until he had no other choice, but something stopped him.  
  
    ‘Murderer.’  
  
    He shuddered.  
  
  _Heero... please forgive me. **He** won’t ever forgive me. Not in my dreams and not in my heart. And I don’t think that I deserve to be forgiven. But, please... if it’s you... if you can forgive what I did, I know it’ll be enough, more than enough... if you can look at me without contempt, without **fear**... then can I pretend everything will be ok?_  
  
    Duo opened his mouth to say these things, not even caring that he was about to confess to Name as well. He needed to confess, they had to know. Even if they hated him for it-  
  
    ‘You can get away with it, you know,’ his dark self pointed out, making Duo pause, ‘If you don’t tell anyone, none of them have to know that you’re a murderer. No one has to know you killed him, that you took that unforgivable step to the thing you have been scared of for so long, becoming _him_. Do you really think that they’ll just... forgive you for that? That Heero will be able to look you in the eye? That he’ll forgive you for asking him to lie and pretend everything’s fine when you should be in jail for what you did? He won’t just be disgusted in you, he’ll be _afraid_ of you... Is that really what you want after everything you did and went through just to see him again?’  
    Duo’s throat spasmed, just like it had before, and the words that had been on his tongue became soundless.  
    ‘You lived with a murderer for eight years,’ the voice taunted, ‘You know all of his tricks, all of his protocols. You’ve helped him hide the bodies more than cone. He was never punished for all the people he killed, all the lives he destroyed, so why should you be? After all, the reason you’re so afraid of becoming Wes... it’s only because you know _how_ to be him, better than anyone else, _right_?’  
    Heero watched in alarm as what little color Duo had on his face drained away and he nearly thought the boy was going to pass out. His lips moved but no sound came and Heero quickly realized he was trying to say something, but physically couldn’t. Duo tried, again and again, to say even just one, single word, but his voice wouldn’t come. It was locked away inside. His face twisted up in frustration and he clenched his fists. He screamed, putting as much force into it as he could as fear continued to make his heart beat wildly, his white face turning red as it felt like someone was scraping his damaged throat with nails.  
    There was only a deep, disturbing silence. It was chilling, watching Duo sob and scream like that, as though the world had been put on mute. It terrified Heero, that the injury to his throat might be so bad, it had damaged Duo’s vocal cords somehow. His best friend bent double, still crying and gasping and trying to speak silently, and hit the sides of his head with his fists.  
    “Duo, stop it,” Heero pleaded, even more scared that the American was going to hurt himself trying to speak than he was of his silence. He heard his mother say something, and footsteps running towards the room from the hall, but neither of those things mattered to them.   
    With a great deal of patience and tenderness, Heero placed his hand on Duo’s chest. The longhaired boy stopped and stilled, staring at Heero as though he were truly seeing him for the first time since he had woken up.  
    “It’s alright,” Heero told him with a comforting smile, “You don’t need to try so hard. You’re hurt and sick. You need to rest. Everything else can wait. You’re safe now, and if there’s anything you need to tell us, we’ll get you some paper or something so we can communicate, ok?”  
    Heero’s voice and words weaved a calming spell, and Duo sat back against the pillows. His friend’s hand was pleasantly warm. He could feel that warmth through the flimsy hospital gown, seeping down, into his heart. That warmth spread out, settling his heart’s screaming beat. His eyelids drooped and he suddenly felt very tired almost dizzy. Heero’s blue eyes were suddenly the only things in his world that mattered. The blue that he had wanted to see the entire time Wes had held him captive.  
    Heero smiled softly down at him, relieved he had stopped the panic attack. Duo’s heart monitor still wailed its alarm, but the rhythm was settling back to its normal beat.  
    “What the hell is going on?!” Stark demanded as he entered the room, switching off his pager.  
    Duo didn’t even know he was there. The doctor was just background noise. He reached out with a slightly shaking hand and touched Heero’s arm. His skin felt so familiar to him, his warmth like a blanket he wanted to drown in.   
    “He had a panic attack,” Name was explaining.  
    Heero placed his other hand over Duo’s entwining his fingers with him. The dam broke.   
    Duo started to sob, this time more freely and less strained than before. Tears streamed down his cheeks and his chest hitched from the force of his emotions; part grief, part sorrow, part relief, but mostly love, but he still gave no sound. Name was at his side in less than a second and Heero backed away, sensing something in the air that was warm and calm, but also electric, suddenly knowing that this was the first, real time that his friend understood what had happened to him. he had been abducted, but he had escaped. And Heero also realized that he wasn’t the one that Duo needed the most right now for once.  
    That fact should have hurt, but Duo wasn’t some quick crush of his, born out of nothing but puppy adoration. He loved him. And he could see the pain that he was in now, his bare need, as rare as water in a desert, to be coddled and protected. Heero couldn’t remember the last time he had seen this part of Duo take over like this. He usually had such iron control over it. How could he possibly be petty enough to deny him comfort? It was something Relena would want... to completely control and own something.  
    Name sat at the edge of the bed and gathered the sobbing boy into her arms, her motherly instincts taking over every inch of her. He felt so frail and so young in her arms, like a vulnerable child, she could hardly bear it. With each gasping cry, his breathing sounded pained and rough and she hated the sound of it. Duo wrapped his arms around her and clung to her as tightly as he could, suddenly terrified that, if he let her go, she would disappear, like dreams or vapor. He felt her hands on his hair, stroking it gently. Her touch was exactly like Heero’s warm and comforting, but very real, very powerful. Feeling her loving fingers there, and her arms wrapped around him like that, unraveled the very last shred of his tentative control and confusion. He sobbed hard into her top, his fingers digging into the soft material.  
    “Oh, Duo,” she breathed, resting her cheek on the top of his head and rubbing it subtly.  
    Heero watched them, somehow not feeling out of place or like a voyeur. He noticed that, through his sobs, Duo was saying something. This time, he could read his lips perfectly. He was saying ‘Mom’ over and over. An intense pain struck his heart and tears pricked his eyes, but he wouldn’t let them fall. Following that pain was a just as intense rage. Seeing Duo cling to his mother like he had thought he would never see her again made him hate Wes more than he ever had before. Duo should never wear that frightened, desperate, relieved expression, not _ever_. He wondered if the well of his disgust and loathing of the bastard had any bottom at all. He turned a portion of that rage on Stark.  
    “What is wrong with his throat?!” he demanded, “You never said that his vocal cords were damaged!”  
    “That’s because they _aren’t_ ,” Stark stormed over to the heart monitor and switched off the alarm, turning back to glare at Heero, “His throat is-”  
    “So you _knew_ he couldn’t talk and didn’t say anything about it,” Heero accused.  
    “His throat isn’t damaged in any way that would restrict his voice,” the doctor ignored his outburst, “There _is_ some swelling and ruptures from being strangled, which is why he is having a hard time breathing. But once I sedated him, I made sure to scope his throat. There is _no_ physical reason for his inability to speak,” he looked coldly at Duo.  
    Duo blinked at him, vaguely remembering feeling someone forcing something down his throat and a flare of pain, but he had thought that that had just been a dream, another nightmare in the jumbled mess of them.  
    “If he can’t speak, the reason is in his head, not his body,” Stark informed them. Heero thought he sounded smug.  
    Duo’s eyes widened from confusion to fear. Deep in his head, he thought he could hear someone laughing. He couldn’t tell if it was that sinister voice or Wes. He tightened his grip on Name even more. In his head... then, that spasming, how he couldn’t even sound out a single syllable... it was all his fault, because he had gone crazy and the only one he could blame was himself, this... roadblock in his head? Nothing that could be cured with time or medicine... Did... did that mean he would never speak again?  
    Name felt Duo go tense at Stark's thoughtless words and cursed the man for saying that out loud in front of all of them, instead of to her in private.  
    “Leave us,” she snapped, hearing that smugness in his voice as well, “We don’t need you.”  
    If Stark had had fur, he would have bristled at her angry dismissal, but knew there was no fighting the fire in her eyes. Besides, he had bigger things to worry about.  
    “Keep him calm,” he snapped at her, before storming out again.  
    Heero just barely managed to resist the urge to do something juvenile behind Stark’s back, like flipping him off or sticking out his tongue. In Name’s arms, Duo started to shake and burrowed his head deeper into Name’s chest, wanting to hide from everything. The knowing voice in his head, his inability to speak, Wes’ accusing stare every time he closed his eyes. Name felt him trembling and held him closer.  
    “Sweetheart,” she nuzzled his hair, making him feel warm, “Everything’s going to be ok. You got away, that’s all that matters. Heero and I are here and we’ll take care of everything else. Just relax,” she stroked his back, not stopping even when she felt his trembling cease.  
    Heero sat down on the edge of the bed and rested his forehead on Duo’s left shoulder. This time the other boy didn’t flinch away, but leaned into his touch. Heero thought that the caress of Duo’s soft hair brushing against his cheek as the violet-eyed boy leaned his head against his was the sweetest feeling in the world, and it almost had him crying.  
    ‘We almost lost him. He wasn’t injured as badly as last time, but we almost lost him nonetheless,’ Heero gripped at Duo’s gown above his leg, the touch not sexual, but the cheap material above warm skin was oddly comforting.  
    Duo’s embrace around Name stopped being a desperate cling and became more natural, like a snuggle.  
  
     _This is my family._  
  
    The realization was sudden and, for a strange moment, it had seemed like it had come from that dark voice in his head. His family... not Wes... even after what he had done, he still understood and believed that. This was his family. He had almost lost them forever, but only part of that was the fault of Wes’ violence. The rest of it was his. How close he had come to giving up... how could he have ever even considered, for even a second, that he could give this up, that he should? This felt so good, so _right_. This was where he belonged.  
    And just like that, nothing else mattered to him. He trusted Name and he believed her when she said that she and Heero would take care of everything. his speech difficulty, him becoming a murderer, what he would do now without Wes... for now, in this moment, those things weren’t important.  
    He had found his way home.  
  
  
    End part 14


	61. The Second Son Part 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo reunites with his friends after his long ordeal. Name tries to get Duo switched over from Stark to Wufei's mother. Duo dreams about the night that he tried to run away from Wes.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 15  
  
    It was strange, how the tiniest details could really drive things home. Even with the physical proof that Duo wasn't so much hurt as he was very sick, Heero was still waiting for Stark to show up at any minute and deliver some terrible news. After all, he had hidden Duo's inability to speak from them. But he didn't come by again. When Duo finally stopped crying, Name tucked him in again. They barely had any time to themselves before a nurse bustled in with Duo's breakfast.  
    The last time they had all been in this sort of situation, it had taken days for Duo just to eat soup because of his injuries. This time, he got the same crappy, but recognizable food that they were probably serving in the cafeteria this morning; toast with scrambled eggs, bacon, and a glass of orange juice. It looked completely unappealing to Heero, even the orange juice looked like that powdered shit you dumped and stirred in a glass of water that came out of a can. But Duo looked at it hungrily, reminding Heero for a sad moment of their early friendship and how Duo used to look at Heero's lunches with a great deal of hunger before shamefully looking away, as though he had thought that he didn't even deserve to want someone else's food. At least his sickness wasn't affecting his appetite too much.   
    Heero suddenly felt a very serious pain and hatred towards Duo's silence. He wanted to know what had happened during the five days he had been kidnapped. How had Wes treated him? Duo was banged up, but not as badly as he had assumed he would be, it almost made him doubt that Wes was really the one who had done this. And he couldn't have been feeding him very well if he was this hungry, but he had obviously fed him something. Then there was his loose hair and all that blood...  
  
   _It wasn't his blood._  
  
    Heero shook his head. It didn't matter. Not to him. Duo, through some miracle or act of strength, had gotten himself back to them. his mother was right. Everything else they would take care of later. Right now, all he wanted to do was let Duo's presence, his existence with them soak into himself. He wanted to spend every second with him. And as soon as they got him out of here, he wanted to pamper him, to do everything with him that Duo had never gotten to enjoy during his summer vacations before.  
    As Duo practically inhaled his breakfast, the nurse busied herself with taking out the line that had been giving Duo blood, the transfusion having run its course, and Heero had to admit that the American had a little bit more color than when he had found him in his bedroom. Duo looked down at the remaining lines in his arm and Heero could have sworn he saw him twitch at the sight of them there, knowing his immediate instinct was to pull them out and he was trying very hard to fight against that instinct. Duo looked to the nurse and opened his mouth, but remembered at the last moment, and gave a frustrated look that was painful to see. His hands clenched into fists and Heero worried that he might start to cry again.  
    "Nurse, I don't suppose you have some paper and a pen?" Name asked kindly, knowing what the problem was immediately.  
    The nurse looked bewildered for a second, then brightened.  
    "Oh, of course!" she beamed at them, taking a ballpoint pen out of her shirt pocket and a small pad-sized notebook from her pants one. She tore out a couple of pages she had written notes on and handed Duo the rest of the notebook.  
    "Thank you," Name said on his behalf.  
    Duo gripped the pen and winced as the move pulled on the dozen plus deep cuts on his arm and wrist. They hurt and gained his attention even more now that Stark had disinfected and wrapped them. He wanted to scratch at them, the wounds stinging and itching, but was scared to do it even over the bandages in case they would start bleeding again. Although the blood transfusion had given him a small amount of strength, the fever and hunger made his hand shake, his writing almost illegible.  
    'When can the other ones come out?' he wrote and held it up.  
    "I'm sorry, sweetie," the nurse said honestly, "The doctor doesn't want you to stop getting the antibiotics and nutrition supplements until the infections and fever goes away and he's sure you won't go into remission, then you can start to take your pills again."  
    Duo huffed soundlessly at that answer. He wanted to leave _now_. He wanted to see his cats and sleep in his own damned bed. After all that time sleeping on the floor, it was all he wanted. His room, his house... he was sick of laying on surfaces that he couldn't see as his, of not being in his own familiar space. Safe, with _windows_ and light and wide space. The hospital was better than the dark, small closet, but he was still confined, he still couldn't leave. He was itching to see the sky and breathe fresh air.  
    He felt claustrophobic. He might not be screaming and crying anymore, but he was still on edge and knew that if Name and Heero weren't here with him, he would be freaking out again. Duo tapped the pen against the paper in agitation. He wanted to throw the pad across the room and scream, but the knowledge that he would never get the sound past his throat stopped him. The paper was too fucking small for all of the things he wanted to say, to ask, to try to explain. How could he communicate how badly he didn't want to stay here and wait for his body to heal? What words could he possibly use to describe the relief and love he felt, seeing and feeling Heero and Name so close to him? And how, _how_ could he possibly write those words... 'I killed Wes. I stabbed him in the throat. It was his blood all over me. I stabbed him and he died. Please don't hate me.' How could this tiny pad with its narrow lines possibly help him to convey all of that?  
    And he was still hungry. He hadn't even realized it until the nurse had brought in the tray. The small bit of food that Wes had been giving him had only made his body crave more, it would have been better if he had starved him entirely. At least Duo was used to that and after awhile, your stomach clamped up and the thought of food made you sick. He eyed his empty plate and pressed his pen to the paper. A craving like he had never experienced in his life hit him and he actually grimaced from it.  
    He had never, ever been picky about food in his life. It was just something to put in his stomach to make the pain go away, and the sudden, overabundance of it in his life now, something that had used to be so scarce to him, still confused and worried him sometimes. Little by little, he had stopped thinking in terms of whether or not he deserved the food that Name gave him and had started to feel excitement for _specific_ things she made just for him.  
    Maybe it was unhealthy, equating certain foods with love, but he couldn't help it. He had never had that sensation growing up. The closest he had was his affinity for milk, the very first thing Wes had bought for just him, hating the beverage himself. He remembered how Wes had snapped at him, telling that if he didn't drink the entire glass, he was going to shove it down his throat, because Duo's bone density was horrible and he didn't need any whores that would break from a single punch. And Duo _had_ drunk all of it, not because he was being threatened, but because he loved the taste. It had put this strange, small, almost non-existant smile on Wes' face. A smile of _approval_. No one had ever looked at him like that before.      
    The hospital food tasted exactly the same as the last time he had eaten it. The toast was slightly over done, the bacon bland and greasy, and the eggs chewy, almost rubbery from having been obviously made in a microwave. It was food, food he didn't have to pay for so he shouldn't care what it tasted like. Before moving in with Heero, he never would have. But now... it wasn't what he _wanted_. He hadn't really thought of food in those terms before, as something he could have a choice and preference about. But the entire time he had been eating Wes' food, all he had wanted was Name's. He wanted to go home and eat something she had made for him, he wanted it so badly that it hurt.  
    But he couldn't go home and his stomach still felt like an empty hole in his gut. He was about to ask the nurse if he could get anymore, but stopped, An old, ancient voice in his head yelled at him that he couldn't ask for something like that. It wasn't his food to ask for and if he asked, she would probably just get annoyed at him. What he had gotten was enough. It was always enough for someone like him, hadn't Wes explained that to him over and over, and not to be a pest?  
    "Duo," Heero scolded lightly, "If you need something, please ask for it."  
    The other boy gave him a slow, hesitant nod, but still struggled with what he wanted to ask. Why was this so hard? Because writing it down took more thought than just blurting it out? He had come such a long way from the frightened boy Heero had saved, so terrified of disobeying he could barely ask for anything at all. So why did he still have moments like this, where speaking to adults, asking for anything that he thought he shouldn't have or he knew he might be denied, stopped him cold? It was so stupid, just a single, simple question, but he was over thinking it. Even now, after all of the steps away from his old life he had taken, he still found himself in the same self-abusive patterns.  
      
    'He can't punish you ever again. Not ever. No matter how much you disobey him. He can't hurt you anymore.'  
  
    Duo felt a jolt of electricity from the sheer, raw power of that thought. Wes couldn't hurt him anymore. He had seen to that. No matter how much he tried to push back against the mental roadblock in his head, there would never be anyone hovering over him to tell him no. No, he couldn't eat that. No, he couldn't hang out after school. No, he couldn't lock the bathroom door. No one to strike him for asking a simple question. No one to burn him if he overslept and missed his next appointment to meet a john. No one to rape him if he ate something that didn't belong to him. No one to scream at him, to make him feel dirty and useless, to hurt him and his friends, to make him feel less than human.   
    There were no more monsters. Duo's grip on the pen was so tight, he almost cracked it. Equal joy and equal fear filled him. From that one, simple revelation, he felt like he was going to throw up. He couldn't handle it, couldn't handle actually looking at that thought, picking apart, analyzing it and letting it absorb into himself. It was too terrible, and too wonderful. He felt like his head was going to tear itself apart. His hand finally moved and he wrote on the pad easily.  
    'Can I have seconds?'   
    He showed the paper to the nurse, still feeling a bit shy. Heero was immediately worried about how pale he was and knew his hands were trembling again.   
    "Of course, honey," the nurse beamed at him and bustled out to grab another tray from her cart.  
    Name patted his hand and smiled at him, happy that he had become a little bit bolder. After she had gotten the phone call from Quatre that Duo had come back, she had thought she would find him in the same state she had found him in the first time she had been summoned to the hospital because of him; scared of every little touch and look, shaking, raw, and barely able to handle even the simplest of things. He seemed to be taking all of this very well, even with his earlier crying. He was communicating, asking questions, and for the most part keeping himself together.  
    She wasn't fooled. Duo _wasn't_ handling this better, he was internalizing everything, trying to keep the rest of them in the dark on how he was really feeling, but it wasn't going to last. She knew the boy too well, and she knew that, eventually, he would need to let this all out, they just needed to be patient and accepting of him, to not try to push him to tell the truth. And when he did break, she would be there for him.  
    Duo ate much slower this time, his body not as ravenous, though he didn't actually savor any of it. The nurse took his trays from him and left to visit her next patient. He laid back against the pillows and seemed relieved that it was just the three of them. Or perhaps it was just the act of sitting back. He seemed to be in pain when he stressed his back too much. Stark hadn't told her anything about it, so it couldn't be too serious. It was just another thing she would have to get from Duo eventually.  
    After he had rested his back for a few minutes, Duo picked up the pad of paper again.  
    'How long do I have to stay here?' he wrote and showed it to Name  
    She looked pained at the question.  
    "Oh, sweetie, Stark doesn't want you to go home for a few days, at least until he's sure you won't get any worse," she smiled at him, "But I'm sure I can persuade him to release you a bit early. I just want to wait until your fever goes down and the infections won't come back."  
    Duo nodded, but it wasn't the answer he wanted to hear. He had hoped that he could just leave tomorrow. Even if he had to keep taking these antibiotics, couldn't they just set it up at home? But he knew that Name was just being cautious, that he had been very lucky that he hadn't contracted something much worse in all of those days he had been off of his medicine.  
    'How long was I missing?' he wrote, the question suddenly occurring to him.  
    The question chilled Heero. How could he not know? Had he really been that sick, that he had lost track of time, or... A horrible thought came to him. Had Wes chained Duo up to the bed again? Had he been there this entire time, in the pitch black dark? He suddenly couldn't answer Duo's question, he couldn't even open his mouth to try to respond. He felt like his heart was breaking, remembering how he had felt when Duo had told them about his punishment for trying to run away from Wes, just for a day. His stomach twisted up and again he wondered, was this his fault?  
    "It's been five days, honey," Name told him, giving him a sad little smile and patting his arm, "far too long," she murmured.  
    Duo looked fixedly down at the paper, his own, written words burning in his vision. He didn't know where to even begin to feel about that answer. Five days... Considering how long he had been gone back when he had run away from school, and that, in his more delirious moments, he had thought weeks had passed, it wasn't so bad. But still... he was missing five whole days. The last day of school and the first days of summer, his very first _free_ summer, days that he had wanted to spend with his friends, had passed him by. It was nothing compared to the two weeks Wes had stolen from him when he had chained him to his bed, nothing compared to finding out that Yuki had died during that time, but he still hated it.  
    Once again, Wes had ripped him completely out of his life. how much had he missed? And how much had he forced his friends to miss in looking for him? And now, they wanted him to miss more time because of his weak body, and Heero would be here, missing those moments with him. That thought made him feel both guilty and happy.  
    "How are you feeling, Duo?" Name asked him  
    He paused, unsure of how to respond to that. Truthfully, he hadn't been paying all that much attention to his body since he had woken up. He had been too busy dealing with his stress and problem with his voice to care about how sick he was, but now that Name had brought his attention back to it, he realized how bad off he was.  
    If he had to pick the one thing that hurt the most, it was his head. The spot that had been slammed against the wall throbbed and radiated sharp pain like an especially bad migraine, the heavy bandage feeling very strange. His thoughts were muddled and it was hard fro him to understand things, taking him much more time than usual. He had thought that it was because of whatever medicine Stark had given him, but he recognized the woozy-headed signs of a decent concussion. At least it didn't feel as terrible as some of the worse ones Wes had given him.  
    His various cuts itched like hell, his back ached from lying on the floor for so long and it hurt too much to sit up for long periods of time. It hurt to breathe and his throat felt thick and swollen, but that seemed to be the extent of his physical injuries that were actually bothering him.   
    His sickness was another story. Getting something substantial into his stomach was helping a bit, but he felt intensely fatigued and hot. He wasn't delirious, but he could feel the fever burning on his skin. Every single muscle in his body ached terribly beyond his injuries and his head felt heavy. But even as crappy as he had felt, Duo realized he had gotten off lucky. Wes could have hurt him in a thousand different ways, but he hadn't broken anything or done anything that needed serious mending. With his compromised immune system, he could have picked up any virus or bacteria from that shitty apartment. Having a fever and some muscle aches weren't so bad, but he could see why they were being cautious.  
    Duo felt another burst of frustration, trying to think of a way to answer that question with only some small pieces of paper. Old habits of always ignoring himself, to take the easy way out almost had him writing 'I'm fine,' but for once, he didn't want to do that. He didn't want to lie to Name or Heero. He was sick of lying and hiding, locking everything away from the rest of the world. They wouldn't believe him for a second anyway.   
    'Body aches. Head hurts. Tired,' he wrote instead.  
    "Do you know if Stark gave you anything for the pain?" she asked.  
    Duo shook his head. He didn't remember anything after falling asleep in Heero's arms. He wrote so on the pad. This made her frown.   
    "Can I take a look at your leg?" she asked him.  
    Duo stared at her in confusion for a moment, then nodded. It was a strange thing, but he realized just how much he had missed her. If Wes had said he was going to look at his leg, he would have felt afraid, but let him do it because he had known he had no choice, not just because Wes would punish him if he didn't do what he was told, but because it had been beaten into him so thoroughly that to fight against something so small would be too painful and stressful. But he trusted Name, maybe more than anyone else, even Heero. He loved Heero and he trusted him with all of his secrets, but the twisted thing about loving someone so thoroughly was that he could never trust him completely with his heart. Heero could hurt him so easily without even trying. He didn't have to want to do it, Relena had shown him that much.   
    It wasn't Heero's fault, and he would never blame him for it, but after all of those years being on his own and just focusing on surviving Wes' brutality, he had neglected his emotions, his dreams and his hopes. Now that that part of himself was alive and awake, it was also new and raw, and easily injured. Sometimes, just being around Heero and realizing how handsome he was, how amazed he was at having him in his life, hurt terribly. But he trusted Name. He trusted her to never hurt him, to love him and be patient with him. He didn't even think twice about her question in regards to what she wanted to do to his leg, only the strangeness of it.   
    It wasn't exactly a thing he had experienced before. Even with Shi and the others, he had always had moments were the more animalistic part of himself flinched away and wondered if their actions, their questions, might harm him in some way. It was an incredible thing, to have someone like that in his life. It made him realize how gifted he was, to have someone like that that he could call his mother. Sometimes... sometimes he wondered if he deserved her.   
    Name pulled down the sheets down to his knees and pushed back his hospital gown until she revealed a thin, white bandage wrapped around his thigh. There were a few splotches of lightly colored blood, but that was it. Duo looked absolutely baffled by its presence.      
    'Wes didn't do that,' he wrote quickly, his hand shaking more than before.  
    Heero felt a cold thrill go through him at the sight of Duo's messy writing of his kidnapper's name. He realized that, as much as he was sure that Wes had been the one that had abducted Duo, he had secretly been hoping that it had been someone else, _anyone_ else. His chill grew at the frightened expression on his best friend's face. It was just a small wound, and Duo hadn't even realized it was there until now, telling Heero just how out if it he was more than anything else, but he looked so scared of it. He really didn't remember doing that to himself. And Duo was hiding something from them, something big and important. Something that was making him afraid of a wound he couldn't remember being inflicted. Duo looked at him pleadingly and Heero didn't need the pad of paper to tell him what he was trying to ask for.  
    "According to Stark, you panicked a little when he was giving you a blood transfusion," Heero explained, pulling the covers up again to hide the bandage, "He said you stabbed yourself with a scalpel."  
    He didn't say that Duo had done it, because he still wasn't sure if he believed Stark. He also didn't tell him that he had cut the doctor. He wasn't sure why he didn't tell him that, but something was telling him that informing his sick, and probably emotionally unbalanced friend that he had lashed out and hurt someone ( _with a knife_ ) was a very, very bad idea, quite possibly the worst idea _(if it wasn't his blood, then wh-_ )  
    This information made Duo completely pale and Heero placed his hand over his.  
    "It's ok," he soothed, "No damage done. You just... got confused and scared. Everything's ok now."  
    Duo actually relaxed a little, though Heero thought that sounded awfully pathetic. He didn't tell him about being restrained or Stark's threat to have him go through a psych evaluation if he did it again. His mother looked as convinced of his sentiments as Heero did. People who were mentally healthy and stable did _not_ stab themselves multiple times. That it had been in his leg and not his chest or throat did not soothe her worry. Even during his worst panic attacks, he had never done something like this. That he couldn't remember doing it actually made it worse. They couldn't talk to him and try to get to the bottom of why he had hurt himself if he couldn't recall it. She didn't think that was the last of it, she wasn't that naive. There was a concrete reason why Duo had done it, and it wasn't just going to go away because he was conscious now.  
    A quiet knock on the door had all three of them flinching as though it had been a clash of thunder.  
    "What is it?" Name nearly snapped, feeling on edge and wanting more uninterrupted time with her sick charge while he was still awake, who was looking more and more drained by the minute.  
    Instead of Stark or one of his staff, Quatre poked his head in.  
    "Umm... is it ok if we come in?" he asked sheepishly.  
    "Of course," she said, secretly relieved.  
    The blonde walked in slowly and quietly at first, but when he saw that Duo was awake, he ran to the bed.  
    "Duo!" he cried, his voice filled with happiness, relief, and love, and hugged the other boy tightly.  
    Name almost yelled at him to be careful, her maternal instinct to protect in hyper drive, before she remembered that this time Duo wasn't hurt so badly that they needed to hold back any displays of affection, and she was glad that she didn't need to. Duo had looked so exhausted and sad, but now that he had his friend's arms wrapped around him, he was nearly beaming with a similar expression to Quatre's, happy tears in his eyes and looking both excited and relieved. He hugged Quatre back almost as tightly.  
    "Oh, thank God... you're ok..." Quatre's voice hitched as he cried, his entire body shaking in Duo's arms.  
    Trowa and Wufei walked in after Quatre, followed by Wufei's mother, who was wearing her white coat, similar to Stark's, her black hair tied up in a tidy ponytail. Wufei looked almost as overwhelmed with emotions as Quatre, while Trowa was more tempered, but was still smiling at the sight of their once missing friend wider than he usually did. Name stood and shook Lian's hand.  
    "Hi, I'm Name Yuy, you must be Wufei's mother," she greeted.      
    "It's a pleasure to meet you finally," Lian smiled, completely un-star struck by the other mother, "I know I'm not Duo's doctor, but would you be offended if I took a look at his chart?"  
    "Of course not," Name smiled back, "Doctor Stark is... a very good physician. We owe him for all he did to save Duo's life months back, but he's left a great deal to be desired in terms of bedside manner."  
    Lian chuckled knowingly.  
    "Yes, that man has a long history of rubbing people the wrong way, both patients and staff. We've butted heads more than once since I was given this job. It really annoys him having a female immigrant, let alone a mother with attachments and hobbies outside of her profession at the same payroll as him. It certainly doesn't help that a few of his patients switched over to me."  
    That caught Name's immediate attention while Quatre let go of Duo so Wufei and Trowa could have their turns to hug him.  
    "Is that so?" she asked with interest.  
    "Unfortunately, yes. As you said, he's a good doctor, but can be quite apathetic. A few of his patients wanted to switch doctors, but this is a small hospital. There aren't many doctors with his level of skill here, especially not in pediatrics. Peds isn't my specialty, but the hospital was just glad they still wanted to stick with us," the Chinese woman explained.  
    "Exactly what would we have to do to switch over to you?" Name asked her, "Duo's only fifteen-"  
    "That's not an issue," Lian assured her, "It's really just a matter of filling out some forms and waiting for it to be approved, but are you really sure? Stark is very good at his job, and I know Duo has quite a few health problems..."   
    The doctor studied her for a moment, as though she were looking for something, but Name had no idea what.  
    "Yes, I'm sure," Name responded gruffly, talking low enough that the boys couldn't hear her, "He's very efficient, but I don't want his bad attitude around Duo anymore. As much as I want to be optimistic that we'll never be in situations like this again, I can't afford to think like that. Duo has come a long way since the first time he ended up in the ER, but he'll never be up to full strength, he'll never be completely healthy. He's never liked Stark very much and I want him to feel that, if there's ever anything wrong, he doesn't need to hide it from me just because he doesn't want to deal with a pompous ass of a doctor. Stark only cares about fixing what's wrong with his body, not what is happening in his life, but those things are connected! I want Duo to feel comfortable with opening up with his doctor about all the things that are wrong. He bottles up too much, he needs someone there to pry and prod him into speaking up when he's hurt. Stark will never be that person."  
    Lian's gaze turned somber and she nodded in understanding. From what Wufei had told her, she wasn't exactly surprised that his friend had problems telling people, even Name, when he wasn't feeling well.  
    "I'll get you the forms. It might take a while, up to a month for them to clear, since I have no doubt that Stark is going to do all that he can to drag his feet on this, but I'll do all that _I_ can to get Duo transferred to my care," Lian promised her.  
    She looked over at Duo, who was now being enveloped by her son, the brunette hugging him back tightly, studying with the eyes both of a doctor and a mother.  
    "Wufei told you what happened, didn't he?" Name said, not really asking.  
    The Chinese woman nodded.  
    "Please don't blame him. He didn't want to tell me that Duo had been abducted at first, but some things need to be told," she murmured.  
    "It's fine," Name assured her, "This has been very stressful for everyone. I'm glad that Wufei had your support. I just have no desire for men like Stark to find out about it."  
    Lian nodded in agreement at that assessment of Stark's character. He was not a man to be trusted. She found Duo's chart and quickly skimmed thorugh the more recent pages, frowning in concern at something.  
    "We were all so worried about you," Wufei let go of the shorter boy, feeling a thousand questions burning his tongue, most of them he didn't really want to know the answers to, "are you really ok?"  
    Duo nodded, looking very happy at being surrounded by his friends.  
    'I'm ok. He didn't hurt me very much,' he tried to say without thinking.  
    Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei looked at their mute friend in shock as he struggled, trying stubbornly to push the words out of his throat. Duo started to hyperventilate again, this time from frustration instead of fear.  
    "Oh, Duo," Quatre was on the verge of panicking, too, which only made Duo's stress skyrocket, wanting to assure him that it was ok, and knowing that he couldn't.  
    "Settle down," Lian said sternly, but kindly to all four of them, not at all put off by Duo's inability to speak.  
    She promptly ignored the other boys and sat on the edge of the bed. She winced a little at the sight of the black bruises on his neck.   
    "How does your throat feel, Duo?" she asked.  
    Her soft voice and her calm, as though his muteness wasn't the huge deal that he feared it was, helped to calm Duo's strained, frantic breathing. He almost pointed to what he had wrote when Name had asked a similar question, but really didn't want to. His ways of communication were already severely limited and he didn't want to give such an impersonal response. His inability to speak reminded him far too much of the years he had spent in school before Heero had drastically changed his life. Coasting through his classes in painful silence, too shy and scared of the other kids to say more than a few scant words, keeping his secrets and feelings close to his chest. For the first time in his life, he felt... unrestrained.   
    He could say what he wanted, could talk about what he was feeling and thinking without having to hold everything inside. So his forced silence now was even more painful. He felt like he was falling back into how he was when he and Heero had first met and he had been unable to tell him the truth, even though he had wanted very badly to. Instead of writing anything on the hated pad of paper, he winced as he tried to swallow and gestured to his throat, not knowing how to convey what he wanted to tell her.  
    "Sore?" she guessed.  
    Duo nodded gratefully, already getting sick of playing charades.  
    "Any sharp pain or taste blood when you swallow?" she continued to question him.  
    Duo shook his head to both. It _did_ hurt to swallow, but it wasn't strong or sharp, and was starting to feel a little bit better. He suspected that not being able to talk was helping a bit. He hadn't tasted any blood after Wes had choked him, so the rupture couldn't have been very bad at all. It hurt to breathe and he rasped when he did, but after all the other times Wes had tried to strangle him in anger, he was expecting that.  
    "That's good," Doctor Chang told him, looking at something in his chart, "that follows with your test results. I know not being able to talk is very scary, but I really don't think another scope is going to reveal anything different, and at this stage, I don't want to put you through any more pain or anxiety."  
    "...He hasn't been able to talk this entire time?" Trowa asked Heero.  
    Heero shook his head.  
    "But... if the problem isn't his throat, then what's causing his muteness?" Quatre asked the doctor.  
    Duo's eyes became downcast and he pointed dejectedly to his own head.  
    "Is that what Dr. Stark told you, that it's just in your head?" Lian asked sadly.  
    He nodded, suddenly looking nervous, as though he was expecting his friends to laugh at him or judge him.  
    She touched the top of his head softly. It reminded him of how Name would stroke his hair when he was sad or scared, and it soothed him.  
    "You must have been very scared," she murmured, "being abducted and taken away from your family and your home like that. Not knowing how he was going to hurt you and if you would ever see the people you love again."  
    Duo nodded slowly, hesitating a little at first. Fear didn't come close to the crippling emotions he had experienced being locked away in that dark closet. Every second his friends were by him was like a separate miracle. He felt like he might go crazy, wanting to cling to them, and the lingering fear of any one of them being out of his sight. Trowa sat down in front of Lian on the edge of the bed and gathered Duo into his arms, not as hard and frantic and desperate as earlier, but full of love and gentleness, safety and comfort. Duo realized that there were tears dripping down his cheeks and buried himself in Trowa's calm embrace. He was so warm and real, his smell familiar. Trowa held no need, no demand or uncertainty to him. No turbulent feelings like love or fear or grief for him. Just friendship and Duo let himself be swallowed up by that single-minded, unthreatening comfort.  
    "It's ok," the Italian soothed.  
    Duo's tears didn't last for more than a couple of minutes, but his heart hurt after they had stopped.  
    "You just went through something very terrible," Wufei's mother said softly, "and I don't think you've fully come to terms with it yet. I'm not surprised that you're coming up against some problems right now. Give it some time, your voice will come back." Duo managed to give her a small smile. She was making perfect sense and he knew it. He had been kidnapped by the monster of his childhood for five days. During that time, Wes had raped him, put him through an emotional rollercoaster, and made him believe that he would never see Name, Heero, or his other friends again.  
      
    'And he turned you into a murderer.'  
  
    Pain ripped through his head. Wufei's mother made sense... but he didn't believe her. how could he come to terms with this? He hadn't stopped talking because he had been kidnapped, he was sure of that. Yes, Wes had abducted him, and yes, Duo had been terrified every second he had been there. But did that really compare to what he had done? He couldn't come to terms with that, not ever. He had killed someone, someone he had proclaimed to love, he didn't deserve a single second of peace. That he was happy now, seeing the people he loved, was disgusting. They didn't know that he had a deep, dark stain on his soul.   
    At that moment, if he had been able to speak, he would have screamed the truth at the top of his lungs. They _should_ know, they needed to know that he didn't deserve their comfort! But he was too much of a coward, too selfish, to try to push Trowa away. To push any of them away. He needed them, he needed their love.  
    "Well, at the least, we can make it easier for us to communicate," Quatre said, wanting desperately to do anything to make things better, and glancing at the notepad with distaste, "I can get something better than just pen and paper."  
    Duo saw that Quatre had a plan already, and as much as he hated himself for his relief and wanted to tell him not to bother, he didn't need him to do that for him, he found himself brightening.  
    'Thank you, Quatre,' he wrote.  
    Quatre smiled warmly at him and leaned down to kiss Duo's forehead, making the younger boy blush a little.  
    "We should let him rest," Trowa told his blonde lover, who nodded in agreement.  
    Lian gestured for Name to follow her outside of the room as the green eyed boy untangled himself from his friend. Duo felt cold and lonely at his absence, but didn't try to say or write anything. At the same time that he didn't want them to leave, all these people near him, when he had gotten used to social deprivation these last five days, was starting to make him stressed, and he knew that Trowa saw that where Quatre and Wufei didn't.  
    He didn't know what scared him ore, them crowding him like this, or being left alone. He also felt a strong guilt, seeing how tired they all were. He wanted to write that they should all go home and rest, but he was partially terrified of the solitude here, and partially just too tired to deal with much more. He was scared of being alone with his thoughts, with his other, darker self. And he was scared of the wounds on his leg.  
    "Trowa and I will be back tonight, ok?" Quatre promised him, "We'll bring the book you were reading, so you don't get bored, and some of your clothes, ok?"  
    Outside the room, Name watched as Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei said their goodbyes to Duo, fussing over him as badly as she wanted to, feeling her heart grow heavy. She wished, very badly, that she could take him home, that she could bundle him up in his own bed and know that his friends would all be close by if he needed them, but far enough away if he needed his space.  
    "Is there anything you can tell me about what happened to him that Wufei kept secret?" Lian asked her, "Anything at all that I might need to know? I promise, I won't tell Stark or anyone else unless they really need to know."  
    Name sighed. She hated going behind Duo's back, but this woman could be an ally, especially if she was going to become Duo's doctor.  
    "What do you know about his... situation?" she asked.  
    "I know that Duo was once in a very bad place, that he had been unable to adequately care for himself and was being neglected by his father. I know that, because of that neglect, something terrible happened that led to him being admitted and abandoned here several months ago with a ruptured spleen and several other complications. I know that he was shot a couple of months ago and that five days ago, he was abducted on his way home from school," the Chinese woman detailed.   
    "He was taken by the same..." ' _piece of shit_ ,' she thought, but amended her words, "man that had sexually and physically abused him. The same person Duo calls his father, although he's anything but."  
    Lian's black eyes went wide and she paled. Ever since she had found out that Duo's 'father' had abandoned him after his spleen had burst from severe, physical trauma, she had easily accepted the possibility that his father had been abusing him, but even so...  
    "Sexually... Wufei never told me that," she whispered in shock, surprised, as naive as it sounded, that her son could keep such a huge secret from her.  
    Name felt pleased at Wufei's discretion, even to his mother.  
    "But his medical chart doesn't list any sexual abuse, not even secondary evidence..." the doctor was confused, her brow furrowed as she tried to phrase her next words very carefully, "was it..." she couldn't use the word 'subtle'. She knew that, even if a victim of rape wasn't physically hurt by the act, there was always damage.  
    "He left his mark," Name said painfully, a dark rage tainting her tone, remembering the state Duo had been in when Heero had taken him to the ER months ago, and the scar tissue that Stark had told her about. The _old_ scar tissue.  
    "Stark knows about it. The only reason I can think of why he didn't put it in Duo's chart is that he was aware I was trying to fly under the radar. As you know, his chart exists under a fake name. Maybe he didn't want to raise any red flags by treating an under-aged rape victim," she ran a hand through her hair, "I don't even know if it's a good thing or not that that information isn't there. Ever since I took Duo in, I'm afraid that all of my decisions towards him were fairly... emotional and blind. I'm not sure if _anything_ I've done will turn out to have been the right choice," she confessed, thinking immediately about how, when she had released Duo from the hospital, she had decided to forget about Wes and just focus on her sick charge when, looking at things now, she probably should have gone after him immediately.  
    Lian nodded, recovering from some of her shock. She could certainly understand what it felt like to constantly doubt yourself. Ever since they had made arrangements to come to America, she and her husband had been questioning if they had made the right decision. At first, Wufei had been completely miserable and had seemed to hate them for separating him from his boyfriend, but now he had friends and their relationship with him had improved a lot. She knew that he still missed Fai a lot, even more now since the other boy had visited, but was dealing with that sadness with a great deal more maturity, and less destructiveness. And she knew that she had his new friends to thank for that. Lian's expression became flatter and she crossed her arms over her chest.  
    "One of my many duties in this hospital is to make sure that our under-aged patients are not being mistreated, abused, or being forced into any unlawful situations. You brought an orphan, a boy with no parental guardians, into your home, without alerting the authorities. A boy with a past and present of serial abuse," she summed up.  
    Name's own expression went cold and, for a moment, Lian saw the cut-throat business woman and the protective mother as a collective, threatening force, and felt a small, short thrill of fear, but continued despite it.  
    "It's a part of my job to report this and have him put in government custody," she smiled softly at the Japanese woman, "But I'm not _just_ a doctor here. I know Duo, I've been privileged to talk to him and observe him outside of this hospital, beyond him being a patient. And I know that the best place, the place that is healthiest for him, the place where he is most loved, is with you. For any child, those are the only things that matter," she paused, her words making Name visibly relax, "I don't think that I need to warn you not to push him to tell you what happened when he was kidnapped, that that kind of stress is only going to prolong his silence."  
    Name nodded.  
    "There is something that he wants to tell us," she said sadly, "someting that something inside of him won't let him say. He's trying so hard to force himself to get it out that he's hurting himself. Trying to push him even more is only going to make things worse. He's going to think that we're angry and frustrated at him, and I won't have that. What he needs is patience and understanding. The truth can wait, it isn't important to me right now."  
    Lian was stunned by how perceptive Name was of her charge, but it only solidified her belief that the other woman's decision to take him in, instead of informing the authorities had been the right one. She didn't know what kind of state Duo had been in when she had first brought him home with her, but if his recent silence was any indicator, she believed that telling child services about the abuse, regardless of whether Name could have won custody over him, would have done Duo a great deal of harm.     In her profession, she had seen what custody battles and adoptions in cases like these were really like. Having Name's kind of money and power helped speed things along, but they always dragged out and she was sure that forcing Duo to testify on what had happened to him would have been the worst thing for him. And now, all the time that had passed without Name informing anyone would greatly complicate everything.   
    "Good," she said, "I'll go hunt down those forms for you and check back in on Duo in a couple of hours."  
    "Thank you," Name said, watching the doctor as she walked off to finish her rounds. She wondered if the Chinese woman was timing her visits for whenever Stark wasn't around and had no doubt that if he caught her checking in on _his_ patient, he would be furious.  
    Wufei ran after his mother and Quatre and Trowa appeared at Name's side.  
    "Trowa and I are going to go home now," Quatre told her, "Heero gave us permission to use his car. We're going to rest, feed the cats, and pick up some things for Duo. Was there anything you needed?"  
    "A thick book and a very strong coffee," she said dryly then paused, actually thinking about it, "and my computer, if you could. It's in the top, locked drawer of my desk. The key is in one of Patches' toys, the red ball. Knowing her, it's probably rolled and stuck under my bed again."  
    Quatre almost chuckled at the thought Name hiding a key to something that important in one of Patches' toys, though it was probably a good idea. Who would look for a key in a toy that jingled to begin with?   
    "Sure, we should be back by tonight," Trowa placed his hand on her shoulder briefly.      
    "Thank you," she said gratefully and went back into Duo's room, closing the door behind her.  
    'They're going?' Duo wrote tiredly, his hand beginning to shake more and more.  
    "Yes, Wufei is probably going to head home, too, but I'm sure he'll visit again later," Name assured him, "Now it's just the three of us."  
    Duo all at once looked sad, guilty, and relieved. He was still for several minutes as Name sat back down in her chair before he picked up the pen again.  
    'I'm sorry.'  
    "Sorry for what?" Heero asked, perplexed.  
    Duo hesitated again, unsure what to write to convey the guilt that was weighing down his heart.  
    'Everything.'  
    "Oh, sweetheart," Name held his hand, "You don't have anything to feel sorry for. This isn't your fault. We're just so happy you're safe."  
    Duo looked away from her, his eyes downcast.  
      
 _"What exactly is so fucking wonderful about your shitty life that you think you deserve to put some kind of value on it? You're a pest, a rotting piece of meat whose rancid smell I have to put up with. And you **dare** to think that you're equal to anything above the waste that flows through the sewers under our feet? You should be happy, be fucking **grateful** that someone like me is willing to breathe the same air as you, let alone share my fucking **home** and my goddamn food with you! And now you have the fucking gall to cry like some spoiled brat, like your tears should **mean something** to me?! You're a **dog** , my dog, and you only deserve as much as any other cur a person like me would take off the streets, pissing in alleyways and sticking his filthy, flea covered muzzle in other people's garbage!"_  
  
    Duo closed his eyes, an intense weariness coming over him.   
    'I don't want to dream these things anymore... these memories... these... waking nightmares in my head.'  
    Name felt, not only a great deal of worry, but an actual pang of fear in her heart as she saw the weariness and darkness on his face very clearly, the boy too tired to even try to hide it from anyone. Duo rolled over and curled up into a miserable ball on his side, away from Name and Heero. He couldn't take the love and worry in their eyes anymore. He felt Name squeeze his shoulder a little and she pulled the covers up to his shoulders. Just like how he liked to have them when he slept. Terrible guilt exploded in his heart.  
  
    'You have nothing to be sorry for? Ha! You have _everything_ to be sorry for. You don't deserve her. You never have. The only person you deserved is dead.'  
    The voice was not the one that usually taunted him. It sounded like a bastard spawn of his voice and Wes', mingling together in something completely unnatural and disturbing. Duo squeezed his eyes shut, trying to will the thoughts away. But they wouldn't be silenced. They followed him as he slowly fell into a restless and tormenting sleep, Name and Heero sharing an anxious look at his silent dismissal and how quickly he had fallen asleep, as though he were running away from them.  
  
*****  
  
    Duo waited for the sound of Wes' box springs to squeak before he crept out of his own bed, the sound muffled, but obvious with the thin wall that separated their bedrooms. It took longer than usual, but Duo didn't particularly care what Wes was doing or why. His nerves were unhinged, his concentration like a cat's, waiting for his prey, or in this case, his predator. His heart jack-hammered to the point of pain and when he finally heard Wes lay down, he thought he might die from anxiety.   
    A week had passed since he had met Solo, Shi, and the other prostitutes, and he had found that he couldn't stop thinking about them. It was dangerous, horribly dangerous, but he couldn't help it. They invaded his thoughts at random times, like drops of water through thin cracks. When he was awake, he wanted to see them, to talk to them or just be around them. When he was asleep, he dreamt about them. The soft, long ebony Amaaya's hair. Shi's piercing red eyes. The smell of Hi's cologne. How Solo's arm felt slung around his shoulders. And sometimes, when he was with Wes or a customer, he would inexplicably remember how it had felt watching Shi kill the john that had tried to suffocate him, or seeing the guilty look on all of their faces every time he had to go back to Wes.  
    In the last couple of days, these daydreams and fantasies and agonizing desires had moved into infinitely more deadly territory. A thought, a single horrible thought, had invaded him like a cancer. He wanted to run away. He had always wanted that, every day of every year he had been with Wes, but he had held back out of fear. Fear of the monster's rage and punishments. Fear of going back to the streets. Fear of one of his many customers recognizing him. His desires had become paralyzed by that fear.  
    But this was different. It was concrete and powerful. And the more he tried to fight against it, to push it out of his head forever, like he had all those other times, the more it clung to him, the deeper it burrowed its roots in his head. Even worse, a _plan_ had started to form in his thoughts. Not a terrible one, either. He knew all the ways out of the apartment. He knew when Wes went to sleep. But what had really changed his mind about this desire of his were his friends. Before now, he had had only himself to rely on. If he ran away from Wes, he would only go back to the same situation he had been in before he had been kidnapped, but worse. There was nothing else for him, there never had been.  
    But now he had that something else. He had people in his life that cared about him, that wanted to help. People that understood his situation, that had been homeless and hungry like him, people that were older and wiser than him. They had survived men like Wes in their lines of work, surely, if he _did_ run away, they could help him? They would be able to give him shelter, at least for a little while, and they might know how to hide from Wes.  
    He couldn't let go of these thoughts. He hated hope, hated how it made him feel when he knew how quickly things could go to shit, but it wouldn't leave him. All he could think of for the past two days was the possibility of getting away from his abuser, of never whoring again, never being beaten again. Those thoughts and hopes weren't like him, and their existence, their power over him, terrified him. But the more he had waited, the more it had itched, the more thoroughly it had consumed him.  
    He supposed that it didn't matter. The fear of hope was more bearable than the sickness he felt every time Wes put his hands on him, every time he felt his cold eyes on him... Duo slipped his feet into his sneakers. They were already tied and he was still wearing his clothes from that day. He didn't want to waste a single second. There was nothing else for him to take with him. He had considered stealing some food from the refrigerator or some of the clothes from his closet, but the street rat in him reminded him that when the most important thing was getting away from your predator, speed and freedom of movement were better assets than supplies.  
    That morning, when he had realized that if he didn't leave tonight, he never would regain the courage to, he had considered different routes of his escape. The two most obvious exits were the window in his bedroom and the front door. But the window squeaked when you opened it, and sometimes it jammed. He couldn't risk it making noise, only to find out that he couldn't even lift it enough to squeeze out. The front door posed similar problems. Wes always put the chain on before he went to bed. He could barely reach the door knob, let alone the chain. He would have to get up on a stool or a chair to get that off, and it was impossible to keep the door from slamming shut behind him. He could try to trick Wes somehow, but the man was as smart as he was cruel. He had the instincts of a crocodile and always seemed to know what Duo was thinking. He knew that the only way he was going to get away with this was if he kept Wes from finding out what he as doing. He was faster than him, stronger and more resourceful.  
    Duo crept further down the hallway instead of towards the kitchen. He was also afraid that if he passed by Wes' door, which the blonde always kept open, Wes would wake up and see him. He walked toward the bathroom, but then went down the small hallway to the left. There was only one door down here and he opened it noiselessly. It led to a long flight of stairs leading up to the second floor.  
    Years ago, Duo had found out from Wes, this area had been a suburbia with several houses, which the apartment had used to be. But St. Peter's had fallen onto hard times and many of those homes had been torn down to put up restaurants and stores, while others had been remodeled into apartments, with two bedrooms on the first floor, three on the second, and even the attic had been fashioned into a cheaper living space. When Wes had moved in, he had paid off the owner of the building to evict all of the other tenants, letting him have the building to himself. Duo had never met or heard from any landlord, and sometimes he wondered if Wes had bought the building from him, or threatened him, or something worse.  
    Wes used the second and third floor from time to time, mostly for business matters that Duo was not allowed to ask questions about. There was a door on the opposite side of the building that opened to a stair well that the previous tenants had used to get to the second floor, with this door having been sealed so whoever had lived on the ground floor had to have had a special key to get up there. Once when he had been taking their trash out back, he had seen a couple of men wearing suits going into that stairwell, but he was smart enough not to ask Wes about it. He did know that, every now and then, Chris slept on the second floor. Duo didn't know how to go up into the attic, and Wes had told him, several times, what he would do to him if he ever caught him up there. That threat reminded him of another Wes had made to him, but he refused to let that memory come to him. He got the feeling that if he did, he would end up heading back to his bedroom.  
    However, Wes had brought him to the second floor to train him a couple of times, enough that he recalled one of the bedrooms up there. It had a window, one that opened up onto a fire escape. If he could at least make it halfway down the escape without getting caught, he thought he could get away. Wes was fast, but he was also bigger than him. What Duo lacked in strength, he made up for in agility. There was no way the man could out maneuver him going down that rickety old thing. His only real obstacle was that he didn't know if the window was locked. If it was, he was screwed. If Wes had locked one window up there, he had locked all of them. He was too thorough and methodical not to have.  
 _'Are you willing to die to get away from him?'_ some voice in his head asked.  
    Already halfway up the steps, Duo paused. He had never been afraid of death, but for some reason, something deep inside of him hesitated in answering.  
    'If it means being with your friends, being free of the Boogieman, are you willing to risk the possibility of dying trying to accomplish that?' it clarified.  
    Yes, Duo realized. Recently, he had come to understand something, something terrifying. He was... _changing_. Every single day he was with this man... every single day he shoved his cock into him or let someone else do it, every day he hit him and called him a useless piece of shit, with each one of these moments, a part of himself mutated. Or just shattered into glass dust. He had never been a strong person or a good person, or something pretty to look at. He had always been scared, but never like this. He had never felt so... beaten, so ashamed. So full of disgust when someone touched him or he looked in the mirror. Disgust when he did what Wes told him and realizing that he didn't even _think_ about it, how automatic it was, and how faint his hesitance and his resistance, even in his own thoughts, had become, like that part of himself, the part that was him and not Wes, not the whore, was fading away. Fading into something ugly and lifeless. He had never thrown up, just at the thought of a new day.   
    His life had never had any meaning to him. But hadn't he done all that he could just to keep it? Stolen, begged, eaten things that not even a rat would touch? But now the thought of his death wasn't just an inevitability anymore. It was almost a comfort. Was this what they meant to be at the end of your rope, to feel like you were going insane? Like you were stuck in a nightmare there was no hope of waking up from... that was his life now. He might be a child, but some part of him understood that if he didn't act now, if he just laid down and gave up, this would always be his life. Wes scared him, but so did the thought of spreading his legs to the man for another year, another two or three or ten, and one day waking up, looking at himself in the bathroom mirror, and realize that there was no one inch of his self left there. Just Wes, taking over his body, his life, his soul.   
    He continued his journey to the second floor. He saw the open door to the room where he had seen the window. His head started to hurt and his heart raced at the thought of what he was about to do. He was running away from Wes. For a moment, he heard his pimp's voice in his head, warning him of what he would ever do to him if he tried to run away. Pain flared in his knees and his legs felt weak, but it was drowned out by the searing, roaring pain in his head. A black hole, threatening to swallow him up. A black hole with Wes' voice, telling him of all the things he wasn't allowed to do, and his hand, striking him, feeling him up, holding him down. He tried to cover up that hole and just focus on the thought of seeing his friends again, but it refused to be conquered so easily.  
    Somehow, he found the strength outside of his terror to walk into the room. It looked a lot like his own and was furnished similarly. His heart beat a little bit faster with each step he took towards the window. The pain in his head had a voice, it screamed at him not to do this, to go back to bed, that this was wrong, what he was doing was _bad_. The window was just low enough that he didn't need to look for a chair to stand on to lift it open. Outside, in a world that, for him in his cage, looked like another universe entirely, it was raining. The night was as dark as pitch save for some flickering neon lights, the early warnings of a bad thunderstorm. He could just barely see the fire escape from the window and for the hundredth time, doubted this plan. He had forgotten about the rain that had started early this morning and had only gained in intensity. He vaguely remembered Wes and Chris talking about the storm and how it was supposed to rain for the rest of the week in similar, violent downpours. The fire escape would be wet and slick. If he wasn't careful, he was going to break his neck. And because of the darkness, it was going to be hard to see where he was going.  
    It didn't matter, he concluded. All he could do was hope that the storm would be on his side tonight and not Wes'. Up until recently, darkness had been a sort of ally, helping him to hide from the predators. He pulled at the window, but it didn't budge. It was latched closed, and the latch was too high up for him to reach.  
    "What the fuck do you think you're doing, Duo?"  
    His heart froze and a jolt of cold so severe it actually hurt went down his spine. How? _How_ had he snuck up behind him? It wasn't possible, he hadn't heard him open the door downstairs or walk up the stairs! No one could possibly be that quiet! Was this really the same man whose footsteps dominated his entire life? Some part of himself, a part that he was not at all proud of, screamed at him to beg on his knees for Wes' forgiveness. Wes wouldn't believe anything but the truth, but maybe if he apologized, did one of those nasty things he liked so much, he would only hurt him a little... maybe, if he sucked him off good enough...  
    Duo bolted. Flashes of lightning and the soft neon glow coming from outside the window lit his way. He was fast, faster than Wes could hope to be, and his terror made him faster. But he was panicking while Wes was as cold and calm as he always was.  
    Wes, after decades of training unwilling prostitutes, children, teenagers, and adults alike, predicted Duo's panic easily. He knew that the boy, like a rabbit in a snare, would try to flee instead of fight back, and lashed out with his leg before the child could get past him. Not that he could escape if he did. He had had years to craft this apartment into a cage for his rabbit. His foot struck Duo in the chest, their twin forward movements sending the underweight boy crashing into the wall. Even barefooted, Wes' kick was devastatingly strong. Duo gave out a harsh cry as he felt warm pain burst in his side, the familiar pain and stomach curling sensation that came with broken ribs, but it was choked off as his back hit the wall. If his ribs hadn't broken, and he could feel the warning stab of one of them again something in his chest, he would have rolled once he had hit the wall to keep from being trapped there, but was too scared of the possibility of puncturing one of his lungs. He could taste blood and wondered if the damage had already been done.  
 _'Are you willing to die?'_  
    Wes grabbed him by the front of his shirt, lifting him up a little, making him gasp out in pain. Tears as hot as that pain spilled down his cheeks, not because of the pain or because he was afraid that Wes would kill him now. It was because he was afraid that he _wouldn't_. He had failed. After this, he would never get the chance to escape ever again, Wes would make sure of that. He would cut off his legs, or maybe paralyze him. He was going to be trapped in this nightmare forever. He was never going to see Solo, Shi, Amaaya, or Hi ever again. All he would ever be, for the rest of his life, would be an immobile hole to fuck, just what Wes wanted.  
    "Shut the fuck up," Wes snarled at him and for the first time, Duo saw the fury in his eyes, and realized that the man _wasn't_ his usual cold self. He was enraged, more than he had ever seen him before, and that terrified him, "What did you think you were going to do? Your body is mine. Your life is mine. No matter how worthless it is, it's _my_ property, not yours. Do you know what I do to the people who think they had the balls to steal from me and get away with it?" he pinned Duo to the wall, earning another pained noise, " _Freedom_ ," he gave out an ugly, condescending laugh that somehow left Duo feeling uglier and dirtier than Wes' words ever could, "What exactly is so fucking wonderful about your shitty life that you think you deserve to put some kind of value on it? You're a pest, a rotting piece of meat whose rancid smell I have to put up with. And you _dare_ to think that you're equal to anything above the waste that flows through the sewers under our feet? You should be happy, be fucking _grateful_ that someone like me is willing to breathe the same air as you, let alone share my _home_ and my goddamn food with you! And now you have the fucking gall to cry like some spoiled brat, like your tears should _mean something_ to me?! You're a _dog_ , my dog, and you only deserve as much as any other cur a person like me would take off the streets, pissing in alleyways and sticking his filthy, flea covered muzzle in other people's garbage! You think you deserve any better, that you have the _right_ to try to run away from me?!"  
    Every single one of Wes' words became like a poisoned blade inside of him, little by little digging deeper, not merely because of their brutal cruelty, but because he could not think of a single thing to say to Wes to refute them. He could not find his voice. And he found that, some part of him at least, agreed with those words.  
  _'I don't deserve freedom.'_  
    What value did his life have, what purpose did it have? How was he any better, with or without Wes, than a dog?  
   _'He gave me a purpose. Even if it's a bad purpose, even if it hurts... he made me useful.'_  
    Was he really nothing more than a parasite, did he have such little worth?  
   _'If I ran away, I would be depending on Solo and Shi for everything, I'd be taking from them and putting them in danger for... for what? My life... my useless life... Isn't it better, being here where I'm **wanted**?'_  
    Terror seized him at these agonizing thoughts. They brought with them a darkness he had never experienced before, a feeling he couldn't hope to describe, but it was a terrible emotion, a heavy one. It didn't make him cry, it was worse than that, it burrowed into him and filled him up, but with emptiness, making him feel sick...  
    'I don't want to die...'  
    Duo squirmed in Wes' grip and bit his hand as hard as he could. He tasted blood in his mouth, but didn't waste the time trying to spit it out. The feeling of his teeth ripping and piercing Wes' hand was disgusting, but he didn't let go until he felt that hand let go of his shirt in shock.  
    '... do I?'  
    The second Duo felt his feet touch the ground, he ran. He heard Wes bellow like some kind of horror movie monster and felt a strange satisfaction knowing that he had caused the rapist pain and surprise for the first time.  
   _'Why?'_  
    Everywhere was a cage, a trap. Everywhere was a dead end, a locked door, a closed window. Everywhere was his death.  
   _'Why don't you want to die?'_  
    If he went back downstairs, Wes would undoubtedly catch him at the first door. But he had never been to any other part of this second floor, had no idea which rooms weren't locked, which ones had windows, but even in his panic, he was sure that all of them were locked. Could he break one of them in time?  
   _'Do you even have a reason?'_  
    He ran right instead of left, plowing into the first door he could find, scrambling to get it open. Outside, he could hear thunder like some kind of God's drum.  
 _'Or are you just running from the truth that there is no reason for you to be alive, to try to survive? That there is no reason why you should have been born to begin with. Maybe that's why your mother threw you into the trash. She knew. She was just throwing away the garbage.'_  
    It was a bathroom, all white tiles that he slipped on as he slammed the door back closed. No windows. His heart raced in fear.  
 _'Sunshine died because he didn't want you to get caught, too. Sister Helen died for being kind to you. Who else are you going to drag down into the filth?'_  
    He heard Wes out in the hallway, right at his heels, not running after him, but striding. He didn't need to run. He knew that his prey was stuck.  
    'I'm trapped,' Duo thought in horror and stumbled backwards, away from the door. He cowered in the tiny gap between the shower and the sink, struck with the terrible thought that maybe this bathroom was like the one downstairs and it had no lock.  
    The knob turned, but only halfway. Wes pounded on the door once with his fist, but the door only shook a little, however Duo felt absolutely no relief. The reason why Wes had forgotten to take out the lock, because he had been that cocky that Duo would never come up here or because such a lock served no purpose whether it worked or not, didn't matter to him. Wes would get in eventually. The door was thick, but it was still made of wood. Wes would come in. He would get him.  
    And there wasn't even anywhere to hide. He had one shred of hope, just one, and it was tiny and pathetic. Wes probably didn't have anything on him to get the door open. He would have to move away from the door, maybe even go downstairs. Maybe, _maybe_ that would give Duo the time to get that latch off of the window... There were so many flaws with such a plan, but if he stayed where he was, there was nothing else but to wait for Wes to pull him out of his hole.  
    "Open this fucking door, _now_!" Wes snarled.  
   _Or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow this house down._  
    Duo shook his head, even though Wes couldn't see him. He waited for the sound of Wes walking away, but there was nothing. His heart beat faster.  
    'What is he doing?' he wondered frantically, 'He can't get through the door without an axe or something... can he?'  
    Wes slammed into the door with an intense force. Duo watched with wide, horrified eyes as the entire door shook like a feeble branch in a hurricane and a crack appeared on the left side as the wood split. The top hinge flew off the door leaning towards Duo at the top.  
    'No... he's so strong...'  
    Through the now present gap in the door, Duo could see Wes' form, like a demon, silhouetted by quick flashes of lightning. Wes kicked the door, his face a mask of rage. The cheap lock broke with a startling loud sound, the door flying open on the two remaining hinges, the door knob hanging from its hole. Duo was frozen in his crouch, his eyes focused on the blood dripping down Wes' hand, the jagged wounds that his teeth had made. He could still taste that blood on his tongue. Wes grabbed him by the hair on the top of his head and dragged him from the crevice he had wedged himself into. Duo didn't put up any kind of fight even though his scalp stung from the rough treatment. There was nothing left he could do. He was completely cowed from the fury that seemed to come off of the man in waves.  
    Suddenly, that grip on his hair tightened and Wes slammed the back of his head into the tiled floor.  
    The pain was white noise. It was pitch blackness, utter silence, and a deep, thundering roar. It was red blood and white electricity. It was heavy and deep and seemed to go on forever, filling every part of him. It was so intense and overwhelming that he didn't even scream. He couldn't. He couldn't even more or care that he couldn't move. He didn't even know if his eyes were open or closed. He could feel Wes striking his head against the floor at least twice more, although he didn't know for sure. The pain grew like a twisting, ravenous monster and he heard a sound that was like crunching snow. His body was limp and for some reason that his paralyzed mind couldn't quite comprehend, he smelled and tasted blood very thickly.  
    Wes let go of his hair... Duo couldn't feel it. Beyond the agony in his head, he couldn't feel anything at all. He was... confused. Why was he here? What... what was this... he couldn't remember if his eyes were open or closed. Up suddenly became down and he retched violently. Something was wrong, something was very wrong.  
    'Ssh, little nightengale, I won't let anything bad happen to you.'  
    A voice. A voice inside of the pain, but also outside of it... a voice... he knew her... who... who was... he? There was another voice...  
    "Na... a... na... where..."  
    Who was that... who was talking?   
    He threw up again. His thoughts were like bees, buzzing, stinging bees, covering his brain, eating it. He felt Wes' hands on him, but couldn't tell where they were. He heard his voice, yelling at him, still angry, still so angry. Then, for a good long time, there was nothing at all.  
  
End Part 15


	62. The Second Son Part 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo remembers the night that Wes fractured his skull. Heero witnesses a terrible result of Duo's captivity and begins to wonder if Duo really might be mentally unstable.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 16  
  
    Cold. So cold. Snow... and blackness... he was warm once, but now so cold. It was there, behind the bricked up door in his head. His broken head. In the snow was a soft voice, but it wouldn't come to him. He tried to probe deeper to find that voice, something telling him that it was important, but pain shot through his brain, like flashes of lightning, intense, powerful, and sharp. Duo gasped and opened his eyes, only to immediately close them. It _hurt_. Just the act of opening them hurt so much.  
    'What happened?'  
    His brain ached and he was scared to try to remember. He had done something... something bad... and he had been punished..? Yes. That seemed right. Wes had done something to his head, and now his world was made of pain. There was something else, but he couldn't recall it and didn't want to try. He was heavy and it was hard to think, but his heart was also racing, telling him that more was wrong than just his head.  
      
     _A crunch like crushing snow._  
  
    Duo opened his eyes again, slower this time, and winced at the light, as though he had been in the dark for a very long time. The light was only coming from a dim lamp, but to him, it was like a sun. He was in the main room of the apartment, to the right of the kitchen, where the television was. It was the only room that had that lamp. He was laying down among a nest of blankets. If he was laying down, he must be on the couch, reasoned and felt incredibly relieved that he could do that much.   
    His vision was blurry, even as he started to wake up more. He looked away from the light and blinked, but his eyes were still having trouble focusing. He could see ok, but things were a bit... off. Soft instead of sharp. He rubbed at his eyes, but it still didn't change anything. There was something wrong with his sight. Duo sat up straight up in a panic, but the move only made his head hurt more and went to touch his head. His fingers touched a bandage that was wrapped around his head at the level of his forehead.  
    "Don't touch it."  
    Duo flinched heavily, hearing Wes' voice so close to him. His fear overran his pain and he scrambled backwards until he hit the back of the couch. Even with his eyesight, the man's grey eyes were clear and piercing, and Duo could see the anger in them perfectly. He nearly hit the back of his head against the couch, but with a frustrated growl, Wes grabbed his wrist and pulled him forward.  
    "Quit squirming around!" the man yelled at him, "I'm not going to make you come around if you black out again!"  
    An almost memory sparked in his head. Gentle, almost feminine hands cleaning the back of his head and wrapping gauze around it and, like a mirror image, bigger, rougher hands pressing against that same spot, sending him spiraling into darkness. But then, just as quickly, those sensations were gone and he couldn't recall them. His stomach churned at the feeling of Wes' hand around his thin wrist and he dry heaved violently. Dizziness overcame him and he became confused about where up and down were. Duo fell in a heap in the blankets and stayed there in a miserable ball as his skull throbbed and screamed, and the world continued to tilt like he was on a ship among stormy seas. Trying to get control over his stomach and trying to make his eyes focus only made his head hurt more. He wanted to close his eyes and go back to sleep where the agony couldn't find him, but he was scared, both of what Wes would do to him in his sleep and whatever was wrong with his head.  
  
 _"If you run away, I will find you and make sure that you will only ever be able to crawl or lie on your back."_  
  
    Duo almost sat up again in a panic. Had it happened? Was he crippled, just like how Wes had promised?  
    No, his reason slipped through the panic. He had just moved his legs, they were fine. But why? Both he and Wes were wearing different clothes than they had been in his memory and he could no longer hear the sound of rain pelting the apartment. He must have been out for a long time, so... why hadn't Wes done it when he had been asleep? Unless he wanted him to be awake, to be there when he did it. His stomach churned violently again. He was suddenly hit by the feeling that he had been out of it for a very long time, that he was missing vital memories, more than just certain details about why his head was hurt, the specifics of what had happened. He felt like a lot more time had passed since his last memory than just a few hours.  
    Wes made a disgusted sound at Duo's dry heaving and thrust a glass of something at him. It was some kind of carbonated, amber liquid, lighter than beer. Duo was certain that the man had put something terrible in it, something that would hurt him even more. He took the glass and drank it anyway. He had been shaking ever since he had realized Wes was in the room with him and couldn't get it to stop. What fear he had had for the man before was now amplified ten fold after what he had done to him, and it took a couple of attempts to get the glass to his lips. He was weak. He was beaten. There was no way he could say no to Wes, no matter what he ordered him to do. He was done fighting him, he just didn't have the strength.   
    The drink was some kind of soda and tasted like nothing he had had before. The taste wasn't something he liked, but it wasn't terrible, either. He couldn't taste the bitterness of any drugs, or the syrupy sweetness of a paralytic, but it settled his stomach a bit.  
      
  _Ice cold water dripped down his throat, driving away the thick taste of the blood._  
   _"Slow down, not so fast,"_ the sweet voice was saying.   
    Duo winced as shards of ice stabbed his brain and pushed the almost-memory away. His memories hurt.  
    Wes took the glass from him and placed it on a nearby table. He then took out a knife from its sheath and placed it on the table, too. It gleamed in the lamp light with menace and promise. He knew that knife. After all of this time, he knew it like he knew Wes' hands, their size and where they were calloused, how their skin felt and where the scars were. He knew every scratch and knick on the blade and handle, he knew how sharp it was and what it felt like when it cut into you.  
    "Four years," Wes said in what would have been a matter of fact tone if his voice hadn't been colored with frustration, "Four years since I took you off the streets," he studied Duo for a moment, but only seemed to get more irritated by whatever he saw, "And now... _now_ you decide to spit in my face? What did I tell you would happen if you ever tried to run away from me? What I would do to you?"  
    Duo began to shake harder. He remembered what Wes had promised to do to him very well.  
    "You...you said that you would c...c-cut my knees," he stammered, his voice hoarse and rough, it sounded ugly, not like his voice at all, the act of getting the words out of his head and onto his tongue suddenly incredibly difficult, like there was a road block along the way. Was it because of his head injury or how petrified he was? He felt like he was going to faint, and it had nothing to do with his head, "You said you would make sure I'd never run away again."  
    "If a dog runs away, you put an electrical collar around it's neck," Wes intoned, "but you aren't worth that kind of expense."  
    Wes picked up the knife. Duo watched it like a tiny mouse would watch a scorpion's stinger.   
    "Is that what you want, for me to cripple you, to cut into you until you won't even be able to bend them?"  
    He pressed the blade to Duo's left knee. Duo flinched and began to hyperventilate, mistaking how cold it was for its sharpness. He shook his head wildly, but pain and color exploded behind his eyes.  
    "No, no please don't," he croaked.  
    "No _what_?" Wes snarled at him and dug the blade into his knee just barely hard enough to make a trickle of blood go down his leg.  
    Duo bit his tongue to keep frightened tears and cries from pouring down his cheeks and out of his mouth, knowing how much the man hated him crying.  
    "No, sir," he corrected and he was honestly shocked at how steady his voice was when his heart felt like it was going to explode out of his chest.  
    Wes pulled the knife back and Duo felt a relief so strong, he almost did pass out. There was a gleam in the man's eyes that made him feel sick to his stomach again.  
    'Is he enjoying this?' he thought in shock, his heart still hammering at a dangerous speed, adrenaline pumping through him at how close he had just come.  
    "I ought to put you down," Wes said gruffly, "like a mutt that's gone rabid. Crippling you would be a waste of my time and would just dull my knife. You're pathetic. Do you really think someone as stupid and weak as you can run away from me? The only reason why I'm not going to kill you or fix you is because I can still get more use out of you than I can dead or incapacitated. Once that stops being true, the second I so much as _think_ you're going to try to escape me again, I'll go through with it. Is that understood?"  
    Duo nodded and felt a tear go down his cheek, but Wes didn't yell at him about it.  
    "Then prove it. Take your punishment with some dignity for once in your fucking life or I'll slit your throat right now."  
    'Punishment?' Duo thought in confusion. But hadn't Wes already punished him?  
    Wes grabbed his right foot and picked up the knife again.  
    "No, don't!" Duo screamed as the pimp pressed the sharp blade to the sole of his foot.  
    "Shut _up_!" the blonde snarled and twisted his foot until Duo could feel his ankle bone begin to strain, close to breaking, and he promptly stopped screaming. The sound of his own screams had made his head ache, "I'm going to make sure the thought of running away doesn't so much as cross your mind again." he said in frustration, "and if you scream again, I'll cut your foot off."  
    The eleven year old bit his tongue hard enough to draw a little bit of blood to keep from crying out again and stayed as still as he could. He watched with wide eyes, his face absolutely colorless as Wes started to cut into the bottom of his foot. At first, it merely felt incredibly odd, almost ticklish as the sharp blade moved across the pads of his foot which were calloused from years of running around in his bare feet when he couldn't find shoes. But then Wes dug in deeper and Duo had to turn his head and bury his face into the couch to keep from Wes hearing him screaming. The pain was weird and excruciating, like when he had stepped on some glass back when he had been living on the streets, but a hundred times worse. It was nothing like all of the other times that Wes had cut him, this time he was going deeper, making the bottoms of his feet feel raw. Blood gushed from the cuts and he had to fight not to instinctively kick or thrash around. The cuts crisscrossed, covering almost every inch of the soles of his foot. It felt like fire ants were eating and burrowing into his skin.  
    After what seemed like hours to Duo, Wes let go of his foot and started on the other one. Duo didn't fight him or scream at him to stop. He was beyond that now. His body was a mass of pain. His head, his ribs, his feet, even his stomach and throat hurt from throwing up so much. The sensation of blood dripping down his feet was terrible and made him feel unbearably itchy and sick. He felt like he was going to black out at any second, but clung desperately to reality, not wanting to know what Wes would do to him if he fainted.  
    The worst part, the part that was making his heart race with fear, wasn't the pain. It was that, even through that sharp and biting pain, even through all of the adrenaline pumping through his body, his vision was still off, and his head still felt like it was wrapped in thick and heavy cotton. His thoughts were slow and he was having this constant and pervasive feeling of confusion. Not about anything specific. He just felt confused, not quite right, like his brain was separate from his body or he was heavily drugged. He was terrified, but not in a way that he had been before. It was as though someone had turned on a switch in his head and now he couldn't stop feeling that fear. There was a word for it... not just being afraid but... paranoia? That was another thing, it didn't just hurt to try to remember or recall things like specific words, it was difficult, like they were trying to swim up stream. And the pain wasn't lessening, not even a little bit.  
    When Wes finally let go of Duo's other foot, he tucked them close to his body protectively. They throbbed unpleasantly to the beat of his erratic heart and the skin around the cuts itched and prickled. The blood was starting to get tacky, but if he moved them, even just to curl his toes, more oozed out of the wounds. His body was limp, like a rag doll, and if Wes had left him then, with the front door wide open, even if he had been in no pain at all, he would have felt no desire to flee. Suddenly, the thought of leaving this place to be with his friends didn't matter to him. Beyond his fear, all he felt was weariness. He wanted to plunge back into the blissful darkness of sleep and never move again.  
    Wes cleaned off his knife and took out some bandages from the first aid kit on the table. Duo watched with some relief as he sheathed his knife again, knowing that it certainly didn't mean that he wouldn't use it on him, but still relaxing now that the blade was out of sight. As the pimp grabbed one of his feet again, Duo was struck with this sensation that he wasn't really here. All of this was some kind of dream that he would eventually wake up from. He felt beyond numb, like he was floating outside of himself. He felt the pain, but it wasn't connecting somehow. He could feel his rapid heart beat, but that he was afraid didn't come to him. Wes wrapped the bandages around his feet tightly, making them feel even worse. Duo could feel his anger in every movement. Blood oozed from between the thick wrappings, already staining the bandages. Wes didn't take any kind of care in fixing him up besides wrapping his feet, and he was far from gentle.  
    "I have some jobs for you to do today," the grey eyed man said gruffly, "and you are going to do them without a single complaint. At least some men don't care about what you look like," he glared at the bandages around Duo's head with distaste, "First, you're going to suck me off and prove to me that you can still do that much. If you can't, I have no use for you and I'll slit your throat right here. Is that understood?"  
    Duo didn't want to. More than he ever had, even when he had first started whoring, he didn't want to go on any jobs. He didn't want to suck on Wes' cock. He didn't think his stomach or his head could take it. He didn't even want to move from the couch and the thought of doing so made him feel incredibly sick. But Wes had spared his life. His _health_. He could have crippled him like he had threatened to do. Whatever he had done to his head didn't matter. Everything he knew about Wes told him that he shouldn't be able to move his lower half right now. But the man had given him another chance, _only_ if he could prove he could still be a whore. He understood that. So... didn't he owe Wes his mobility, didn't he owe him everything for not going through with that grotesque promise? At the very least, he had dodged something terrible and he didn't want to face that fear again.  
    "Yes, sir," he murmured and felt a strange twist in his stomach. It wasn't fear, but something else that made his stomach hurt a great deal.  
    "Stand up," Wes barked at him as he did so himself, unzipping his pants.  
    Duo placed his feet on the floor and stood up, and immediately felt a wave of dizziness and nausea, partially because of the sudden agony in his feet, and also because of the wooziness from his head injury. With all of his weight on his feet, blood gushed out of the cuts faster, but more than that, the feeling of that weight just made him feel ill. He only had to lean down a little to take Wes' cock into his mouth. He wasn't growing very well, not that he had ever expected to be tall, and even when he _did_ hit puberty, which would happen later for him than all the other boys in his classes, he would never get taller than Wes' lower chest.  
    Bending over like that made his head swim and he brought Wes to orgasm as quickly as he could. Wes didn't seem to care, satisfied just with the fact that Duo didn't black out through any of it. His dick and semen tasted strange to Duo, like how burnt milk tasted. It only worried him more, especially when he limped to the kitchen to get a drink of water and the burnt-sour taste lingered, like he had been sucking on a battery. Wes watched him intently as Duo walked very slowly to his bedroom to change into new clothes, the ones he had been wearing smelling very intensely of sweat and blood to him, but with his odd sense of taste, he couldn't even be sure that what he was smelling was real.  
    He just put on jeans and a t-shirt, and was relieved when Wes didn't force him to change again into something sexier. It had hurt too much changing the first time. The worst was trying to get his sneakers on over his mutilated feet. They didn't even feel like his feet, just chunks of hot, raw flesh someone had jammed on under his legs. From the second he tried to walk in his shoes, he could feel the blood sloshing around in them, sticky, wet, and thick. Wes dug a piece of paper out of his pocket and thrust it at him.  
    "Names, addresses, and times. They're all close by and you'll go to each on foot. If you aren't back by eleven, I'll go find you myself. Now get the fuck out," Wes growled at him and strode to his bedroom, not even looking back to make sure Duo was going to leave. Duo walked to the front door as quickly as his throbbing feet would let him, the piece of paper clutched in his hand.  
    "Stop," Wes' voice, cold and sharp, snapped at him from behind him the second Duo had his hand on the door handle. He hadn't heard him walking back towards him.  
    Duo flinched, a deep chill going down his spine and his hand started to shake.   
    'How does he want to hurt me now?'  
    He turned, almost automatically at the silent command. Wes had that sadistic, pleased glint in his eyes again. He had something clenched in his hand. A dog collar. Attached to it was a silver, round tag. As Wes approached him, he could read what was engraved there better than he had the note. His stomach dropped.  
    'Property of-' Duo couldn't read the name well enough with his compromised eyesight, but had no doubt it was one of Wes' many fake names, 'If found, please call-' he recognized the last four digits of the string of numbers as one of Wes' cloned phones. A fake name, fake number... but all of his customers and Wes' business partners would know. All of a sudden, he felt like the bottom had dropped out of the world. Even before Wes placed the collar around his neck and cinched it tightly closed, he felt a very deep depression fill him. A self-disgust and loathing and embarrassment that was beyond tears.  
    'He's reduced me to nothing more than a fuck-able dog,' he thought miserably.  
    'No,' the voice chimed in, 'He did _that_ years ago. Now he's just making sure the rest of the world knows it.'  
    "You're going to wear that until you can prove to me that you can be trusted to come home like a good little boy. Don't take it off," Wes ordered.   
    Duo heard the underlying threat that the man didn't say. He nodded and instantly knew that even if Wes hadn't said it like that, he would have agreed anyway.   
    From the second he walked out of the shadowed alley, the sun was like a stake being hammered into his brain. He spent ten whole minutes just standing there with his eyes squeezed shut before he could see enough to walk. He squinted down at the paper. Wes' handwriting, thanks to his damaged vision, was barely legible to him. He felt that pang of fear again. He could remember it better now, trying to run away, Wes catching him and slamming his head into the floor.   
    Some details were still missing, but he at least understood now _why_ his head was killing him. But now that he could remember it... remember the rage and the power behind those blows, he was scared. His vision, his sense of taste, the pain that was just as vivid and terrible as when he had first woken up, and how hard it was to walk straight, never mind his feet, how hard it was just to _think_ , to remember simple things and words that should just come to him automatically... what sort of damage had Wes done to him? He had hurt him before, but never like this, never with this kind of brutality. What if it didn't go away? What... what if this was _permanent_?  
    He tried to focus his vision and hot pain exploded in his head. This time, he kept trying and didn't back off, even when tears poured down his face and he thought he might throw up again. He finally made out enough of what Wes had written to know were he was supposed to go first. He didn't have to walk any further for any of the jobs than a couple of blocks, and he was grateful. Duo frowned. There were four men listed, two of which were regulars, which wasn't too bad. But his last appointment was for five to six pm. So... why had Wes told him that he had to be back by eleven? Why had he, after he had just tried to run away from him, given him that much freedom? It confused him and made him paranoid. Or perhaps he had simply done it to prove that he _could_ , that he was that confident that Duo wouldn't dare to try to run again.  
    He could, he suddenly realized. According to the large clock across the street above one of the shop windows, it was morning. He had twelve hours before he needed to be back at the apartment. There were no locked doors here, no chains. Even if Wes was trailing him, he could lose him-  
  
    'Why? What's the point?'  
      
    'He'll find me.'  
  
    'You don't deserve freedom.'  
  
    'He'll hurt me.'  
  
    'You're trash.'  
  
    'He'll cut off my feet.'  
  
 _'Dog.'_  
  
    Agony flared in his head and stomach, completely different from the pain he had been feeling from the head injury. He stopped on the empty sidewalk and curled his hand around the dog tag. The metal burned in his hand and he felt tears prick his eyes. Numbness filled him again and he continued to limp on his way. He just wanted to get these jobs done and go back to the apartment. He didn't care about anything else. He had no desire to run anymore. His neck felt heavy. He just wanted to sleep.  
  
*****  
  
    When Wes had buckled the collar around his neck, it had felt like a weighted chain, a piece of burning steel digging into his neck. Duo had tried to ignore it. It was just a thing, he had forced himself to think. Nothing different than the slutty clothes Wes made him wear or the rope he used to tie him up with. He went on his jobs telling himself that over and over again. It didn't matter. It _didn't_.  
    Walking from john to john was agony. His feet burned and throbbed and he could barely call what he was doing limping anymore. None of the men seemed to be bothered by his slowness, and it was a blessing when, towards the end, his nerves were so taxed that his feet became almost completely numb. He couldn't even feel the blood anymore. His head was another matter entirely. Every movement, every car horn or police siren or crying baby he heard along his way was like a nail of hot pain, burrowing into his brain. His head felt like it was splitting open a little bit more with each second. He wanted to find a cold, quiet cocoon to hide in.  
    Fortunately, none of his johns were rough with him, although a few times, he found himself almost blacking out just from the motions of sex and had stayed awake only from Wes' threat. With each hand on him, each filthy leer, the collar felt heavier. And his mantra of  'it doesn't matter' became weaker. The more he began to feel what Wes had called him. _A_ _dog_. A dog with a collar and tags. It wasn't the collar that was just a thing. _He_ was. An animal, not a person. Wes' property. A shameful, dirty thing. Just a fuck-able mutt...  
    With each job, that realization became stronger and stronger. Wes was right. Something like him didn't deserve to be free. What would he do with it? He was nothing. Everything about him was a lie. The collar was the truth. With that thought circling in his head and gaining momentum, Duo became listless. He dragged himself from place to place like a lifeless zombie. He felt like Wes had killed him when he had slammed his head into the floor, and now here was his body, brought back under Wes' control, to keep on whoring. A soulless _thing_. What was truly horrible was that that wasn't true, he was still alive.  
    Duo finished with his last appointment five minutes early and started back on his way to the apartment. The money he had gotten from the four men was tucked in the secret compartment he had sewed in his shirt. For a moment, a thought tried to come to him. He had a little bit more than two hundred dollars. With that, he could still-  
    He shoved the thought away. Money was irrelevant to him. Suddenly, having that money... even money itself, disgusted him and he didn't know why. He should go home right away. Wes had told him that he had to be back in five hours... but he should go right back. He had Wes' money, and what if the man had changed his mind? What if he decided to hurt him again if he lingered out here? Duo started to shake a little at that thought.   
    He reached the main intersection and paused. There were not many cars out and the red lights facing Duo glared in the puddles left over from the rainstorm... he didn't know how long ago. He still hadn't figured out how much time had passed since he had hurt his head. The light flickered for a second, then switched to green. Both colors hurt his eyes and the fuzziness of them around the edges in his vision made his head pound. He ordered himself to keep walking, to take a right that would lead him back to the apartment, but he couldn't. He felt frozen to the spot.  
    He didn't want to go back. He had to, and he couldn't scrounge up the desire to stay away forever, but he didn't want to walk back now. The thought of walking down that alley, opening the heavy door, seeing Wes' cold, commanding stare, and handing him his money... maybe servicing him again or head him call him a dog again, made him feel sick and weary. Even the effort of taking that right was too much for him.  
  
 _"If you ever need anything… or if you just want to hang out, we’re always at the same corner. So… you know… you can stop by… if you want. People like us don’t really stick up for each other all that much, but we consider you our friend, so you can look for us whenever you want to."_  
  
    Solo's voice in his head made Duo's heart ache. His dream of running away from Wes to live with them was dead and rotting, but his desire to be with them was stronger than ever. He wanted to see them... just for a little while... that wasn't a bad thing, right? Then he might have the strength to go back to the apartment... He walked down the left street, not looking back to the right.  
    But would they be disgusted? Would they see him... bandages wrapped around his forehead, barely able to walk, blinking and squinting all the time, smelling of sweat and sex and wearing this damned collar, and be ashamed and disgusted of him? The idea hurt. More than his head and his feet, it hurt him some place deep, some place vulnerable and he found it hard to breathe. He tugged up his shirt a little bit more, but knew that if anyone was close enough to him, they would be able to see the collar anyway. He had the sudden urge to rip it off of his neck, but couldn't even bring himself to touch it. If there was a possibility that they would be disgusted in him... what then?   
    Duo stopped on the street as an intense wave of loneliness hit him. It was worse than the pain in his head, worse than his desire to not go back to the apartment. He had felt loneliness before. For as long as he could remember, it had been a constant companion, one of the few things that had not left him or abandoned him in one form or another. Without even understanding _why_ , every time he had seen a family or a gang together, laughing, smiling, talking, hugging... he had felt a deep dark pain in his heart. When he had met Solo, Shi, Amaaya, and Hi, he had started to understand what it meant to be with people. How wonderful, and how sweetly painful it could be. What a family was supposed to feel like. It had given a name to that emptiness in him, that longing that had never made any sense to him.   
    He didn't have anything else. The realization came as a terrible blow. All he had in his life... the only people he had any connection to, the only things that kept him from slipping back into his useless existence of just surviving, were Wes and his four friends. Without them... he was alone. There was nothing there to keep him from being anything more than an animal. That desire to see them grew into a small fire. Even if they ever became disgusted in him, not just from this collar, but from anything, he couldn't stay away from them. He needed them, more than they would ever need him.  
    That need, almost like an addiction or a passion, gave him the strength to keep walking down the left street, and he even walked a little bit better, dragging his feet less. It was a long walk to their street corner, but it felt faster to him than trudging from the different meeting places that his customers had set up. He felt a strange anticipation as he found the street corner, not quite fear or excitement, but something that made him feel both relief and a twist in his stomach.  
    There was no one there. He had visited this street corner many times since he had met the four other prostitutes, and no matter what time of day he had shown up, there had always been someone here. Amaaya was hardly ever there, as she was the most popular of the four, and when Hi wasn't out trying to get customers, he was usually with his children, but either Shi or Solo were usually here...  
    Duo stumbled around a little, trying to spot either blonde, but the closest he saw were a couple of blonde hookers further down the street. They weren't here. But they were always here... he needed them...  
  
  _'They're just working, so what?'_  
  
    He sat down heavily on a nearby bench and slowly realized that it was the same exact bench that Shi had laid him down on the first night he had met all of them. He tucked his knees under his chin. For the first time in hours, his feet were off the ground and they prickled as though they had fallen asleep, the most he had felt out of them since they had gone numb. He would just have to wait here... for them to get back...  
  
 _'What if they don't come back? What if they lied to you? Like everyone else has lied to you? What if they don't want to see you, or something happened to them? What are you going to do, wait for them all night?'_  
  
    He didn't move. Some part of him said yes, yes he would wait for them all night if it meant seeing Shi and Solo, though he knew that he wouldn't. He was too scared. Duo stared at the spot that they usually were and thought he saw Solo's easy, exuberant smile and felt his hand on his head. But there was just an empty space. There was just the sound of cars and heavy music from one of the local stripping joints.   
  
_"... just a dog."_  
  
    Something inside of him broke and he started to sob, fat tears dripping down his cheeks. He was alone. The eleven year old felt a sense of shame, but he couldn't stop his tears. He wasn't even entirely sure why he was crying. Why now and not when Wes had been cutting his feet or when he had forced him to suck him off? They would be back... even if something deep inside mocked him that they wouldn't... they would... So why did he feel betrayed? Why this nonsensical feeling of despair? Duo buried his face in his knees and felt his tears soak them, his chest shaking from his sobs.  
    'I don't want to be alone...'  
  
*****  
  
    It was a good day. Well... it wasn't a terrible one anyway, better than most, Shi reasoned. The rain, after three days of downpour, had finally stopped last night, which had made hooking manageable. At the very least, he hadn't had to hear Solo bitching about keeping dry or see Hi be completely miserable today. There was just something about rain that gave the man the worst stomach pain Shi had ever seen, akin to an ulcer, not to mention nausea. But this morning, the sun had been shining bright and there was a nice coolness to the air, a freshness that only came after long rainstorms. Amaaya loved the rain, but even she had agreed that it was a relief to see the sun again. He didn't really give a shit either way, personally. The rain was soothing, but it was easier getting customers when they didn't have to huddle in their cars or hide under umbrellas. And he didn't have to worry about plugging up the leaks in their apartment.   
    Best of all, his favorite customer had booked him for the entire morning. He had been whoring for six years now and in that time, he had met every asshole and pedophile and useless excuse for a human being that this city had to offer, but he had also met some very good people doing this job. Men that had so much going for them, but were lacking in sexual skills, size, or looks, and weren't above throwing a struggling hooker some extra cash for their troubles. Diana was something else entirely. She had been coming to him for the last four years and he _still_ hadn't figured her out.   
    For one, it was rare for a girl to pay for his services and actually remain a repeat customer. It wasn't that women didn't pay for whores, Shi knew what a stereotype that was, but they had escort services for that kind of thing. A lot of the women he knew that liked to pay for their dates didn't just want a fuck in some dirty alley. They wanted to romanced, all the wine, chocolates, and roses stuff that guys like him just couldn't afford or have the time to set up. He certainly didn't mind getting female customers, unlike Solo he was bisexual and it was rather refreshing, but this wasn't the best part of town for a girl to go looking for fresh meat. Diana was... special. She had told him once that those services were created for liars.  
    "Foolish, ditzy cunts that like to pretend they're in some dime store romance novel when all they're really looking for is a hot cock without all the primping and pampering. Why bother with the lie and just cut to the fucking chase?"  
  
    Shi smirked to himself. The kind of girl that a man could fall in love with. She hated lies, she had told him, which was one of the reasons why, after four long years, she had never asked anything about himself, about his past, because she had understood. Not only was Diana as blunt and horny as he was, she didn't have any trouble getting guys without paying for it. She was a short, cute thing with dark skin, naturally white hair, some lovely curves, and, oddly enough, red eyes. They were a few shades lighter than his blood-red ones, but when she had first paid him for a few hours together, he had assumed that that was the reason why she had chosen him instead of Hi. Thankfully, it had just been a weird coincidence.  
    Not only was Diana sexy and a freak in bed, she always overpaid him and refused to take no for an answer. Over the years, they had stopped being just john and whore and had become very good friends. It had started to feel to him like 'friends with benefits', just messing with each other, testing each other's sexual limits (he doubted that either of them had any at this point), and her trying to help him in a bad situation. It had hurt at first, that feeling like she was giving him handouts, but unlike Hi and Amaaya, pride was not an issue for him. He was a realist and he knew that he needed that money more than Diana did, and if she was offering it to him, it would be insulting for him not to take it.  
    He never really needed much, in comparison to someone like Hi or the other whores that he knew that had families or drug addictions to pay for. He was a simple guy with simple tastes, always had been, even as a child. He had never once looked twice at drugs, didn't believe in gambling, and had very little in material possessions. He drank a bit, but only cheap beer and not so much that he had a problem. He knew that Amaaya hated it, mostly because of her father's issues, and worried about him a lot, especially when he drank to ease the nightmares he had from time to time, but he could count the times he had actually gotten drunk with his fingers. If he had any vices at all, he had only two. Cigarettes and the people he loved.   
    Shi had started smoking when he had been fourteen and the thought that he should quit had never occurred to him. Amaaya bitched at him about it every now and then, but he didn't see the point in putting the effort into quitting. He didn't cough that much and it wasn't like he wanted to live forever. He made sure never to smoke around them, especially the kid, but he knew well enough the damage that smoking could do and had accepted that a long time ago. It was the one expense that he always managed to put some money aside for. The rest of what he got from whoring went to paying for their apartment and food, and everything else, he gave away.   
    Solo had mentioned it to him once. Of the four of them, Shi and Amaaya made and kept the most money. Shi knew that Amaaya was saving as much as she could and would move away from this fucking place as soon as she had enough, or at least he hoped that she would, but it distressed Solo that Shi gave away his money whenever one of them was low on rent or Hi's kids needed braces, or Solo's old winter coat got a hole in it. If there was a new kid on the circuit that was starting to fall in with the wrong pimp or an old whore that wanted to kick a bad habit, but just didn't have the means to check herself into a clinic, Shi would make sure to give the money to the right people to see that they were taken care of.  
    Solo said he was an idiot and Shi had no illusions that his friend was wrong. He had been whoring longer than Amaaya. If he had started to save like she, especially when he had first started out, he would have had the money to move away by now. Not enough to stop whoring. He didn't have any skills, not even a good enough education, to get a full time job. He could be a waiter, he supposed, and get away from prostitution, but it really didn't bother him. He could take care of himself and the meaner johns had stopped pulling shit pretty quickly once he had broken a couple of bones, and unlike his friends, he liked the sex. He was careful, that was all. And whoring paid better than food services, any day. But at least, he could have gotten out of St. Peters, gotten far away from Maine.   
    Away from harsh winters and found some place where the cost of living wasn't so brutal, like Rhode Island. He had just never felt the urge to do so. Besides, there were just so many people, better people than him, that could use that money. And if he left St. Peters, what about Solo and the others? Who would make sure the sharks didn't go after them? Shi didn't have any illusions. He had made some enemies, but had proved that he was not a man to fuck with. He had spent years, and quite a lot of money, making sure that those that needed protecting, the homeless kids, the weaker whores, the smaller businesses, would have as much security as he could afford. And yeah, it had pissed off quite a few people, but even men with power feared crazy and rage.   
    And now... he had something else he needed to protect... something that no amount of money was going to save, especially not at his level, as much as it hurt him to admit. Because there was someone else out there that was even crazier than he was. Shi sighed heavily and dug a carton of cigarettes from his jeans pocket. Diana's money had come just at the right time, he had almost run out, although he doubted that she would approve of him using the money for that, but he was tired. Diana, like always, had rode him hard, and he was looking forward to having a smoke behind the apartment building, then going up to the room for a cold beer, some hot Chinese food, and a long book, until Solo's snoring lulled him to sleep. If he had taken his advice and not gone on a job when he had that damned cold of his.   
    Shi took the wrapped off the carton as he approached their street corner. He wasn't near the apartment yet, but he took one cigarette and put it in his mouth, chewing on it a little. Another one of his bad habits. He paused as he spied someone sitting in one of the benches on the other side of the street. At first he thought that it _was_ Solo and he had been dumb enough to try to make some extra cash this morning despite his coughing and fever, but it was someone smaller, someone with long, familiar hair. Shi felt the sharp pain in his chest that he always felt when he saw the kid, but it multiplied ten fold as he realized that his head was bowed and his shoulders were shaking.   
    Shi tucked the cigarette back into the pack and put in his back pocket, tugging his shirt down over the bulge, like he was trying to unconsciously hide it, and approached the huddling mass.   
    "Duo?" he said quietly and carefully, walking towards him slowly, but not so the boy would notice or think that he was treating him like some kind skittish animal.   
    The violet-eyed boy lifted his head to look at him, those eyes wide, a bit shocked at Shi's sudden appearance, but also intensely relieved. He looked awful, his face pale and sickly, as though all of the blood had been drained from him, and his eyes were red, dark, worn circles under them. His cheeks were wet from having been crying for a long time, and didn't look like they were used up quite yet. Shi was so alarmed by the heart broken look on his face, he didn't notice the bandages around his head for a moment. He was at the boy's side in a second, kneeling down so they could look each other in the eye. Duo's face became pinched and sharply pained when he had to tilt his head to look up at him.  
    "Hey, what's wrong?" the tall blonde asked, cautiously placing a hand over Duo's.  
    The child seemed on edge, and even that light touch made him seem like he was considering bolting, at the same time that he seemed to want to lean into it. It made it impossible for Shi to tell what he really wanted, although he did know that this wasn't just because he had had a rough night with a john. For one so young, Duo kept everything close to the chest, never releasing or telling any of them what was wrong until he cracked under the strain. The kid's face crumpled and fresh tears poured down his cheeks. He tried, for a moment, to gather some restraint, but he failed miserably.  
    "No one was here," he said in a low whisper, his voice cracking from emotion, and Shi felt like his heart might break.   
    "Oh, baby," the older boy murmured, not even realizing he was saying it as he sat on the edge of the bench and gathered Duo up into his arms.  
    He was incredibly careful as he did it. He didn't know to what extent the eleven year old was hurt, only that he was, and touched him like he was made of priceless glass, tucking his arms around him and bringing him to his chest. In any other situation, the kid would have protested it, trying to save face even as he cried, saying that he wasn't a child, he didn't need to be coddled like one, he could take care of himself. This time, he didn't even twitch and it worried Shi greatly. The brunette was acting like a doll, not putting up any kind of resistance and he couldn't tell if he was just too tired or if it was something else, something much worse.  
    Duo was alarmed for a second as he found the bigger boy holding him. For a brief moment, he thought of Wes, of his strength, how easily he had kicked in... something... he couldn't remember... but he remembered the terror he had felt, the shock, and how easily he had hurt him. But then it was gone. Shi was so strong, maybe even as strong as Wes was, but he held him so gently. No one had ever held him like this, like he was something that needed to be protected. Someone worth protecting. It scared him greatly and he wanted to push Shi away, a large part of him not liking this intimacy, not liking what it meant even if he didn't wholly understand what that was.  
    Instead, he relaxed into Shi's embrace, as though he could melt into it. It was frightening, but there was another part of himself that felt soothed, safe, and above all else, loved. He didn't like it, but at the same time he did, he cherished it. He never wanted to leave Shi's arms ever again. He dimly realized that he had begun to sob again, harder this time, more violently. The tall blonde was warm and for the first time, his head didn't hurt so much.   
    'Is this how people with family are held?'  
    The thought was unwanted, and he had to bite his tongue to keep another strong sob from escaping.  
  
 _"What exactly is so fucking wonderful about your shitty life that you think you deserve to put some kind of value on it?"_  
  
    'What do you know about family? About loving unconditionally? You don't love anyone. Would you even know what it felt like?'  
    Duo dug his fingers into Shi's shirt, trying to drown that voice out. He struggled to get a hold over himself. He hated crying, and he hated it even more when Shi saw him cry. The other boy already treated him like a little kid, and he didn't want to him to worry over him any more than constantly did. Wes almost always punished him for crying, and he tried as hard as he could to never let the man see him in a weak moment. He had gotten pretty good at bottling up his tears, no matter how much something hurt, or how miserable he had felt. So why did the tears come so easily when he was around Shi? He felt relieved when he finally got his tears stopped and Shi relaxed his hold. The blonde touched the bandages wrapped around his head very lightly, but Duo still flinched.  
    "What happened?" the other prostitute asked in the soft, careful way that was starting to infuriate Duo.   
    He didn't want answer him. He was embarrassed of the truth. And he didn't want to remember what had happened. It made it all hurt more. He didn't want Shi to know just how weak he was and he didn't want to admit how frightened he still was. He knew that Shi was just worried about him, but he didn't like that worry. It needled something deep inside of him that made him feel sick. He just didn't want to think about it anymore. It was strange. He wanted to pretend nothing was wrong, that nothing at all had happened to him. That he wasn't scared about what Wes had done to him. But at the same time, he wanted to let it go.   
  
   _'Do you want to die?'_  
  
    "I..." he started and his throat was terribly dry.  
  
 _'You don't deserve him. Another whore, and he's better than you. It isn't about what Wes has done to you, what he has made you do. You were trash from the very start.'_  
  
    "I tried to run away," he finally managed, "but Wes caught me."  
    Duo didn't say anything more, thinking it was pretty much self-explanatory. Wes had caught him. He had punished him. Was there really anything else that he needed to tell Shi? Those red eyes darkened, telling Duo that he really didn't, the other boy had figured things out perfectly. Those knowing eyes caught a glint of light and Shi reached out his hand, curling a finger around the hidden collar and pulling it out of Duo's shirt. As he read the dog tag, his friend suddenly looked like how Wes always looked right before he struck him out of anger. Shi's face filled with complete, unhampered rage and Duo was shocked when the boy didn't strike out at anything or yell, but just clenched at the collar for a moment before releasing it. His hand trembled, not out of fear, but just the enormity of his anger, as though his mere body couldn't contain his emotions.   
    "That..." the tall man struggled with his words, unable to find a word strong enough, terrible enough, ugly enough to describe the child's pimp.   
    His large hands came up again, still shaking with rage, but he was gentle as he grabbed the collar and started to unbuckle it, his trembling now with just as much desperation as fury.  
      
    "No, don't!" Duo grabbed at Shi's hands, knowing that he didn't have the strength to stop him, but still clutching at him, stilling his movements.  
    "Why?" Shi snapped at him, unable to stop him as his red eyes became like shimmering rubies with his turbulent emotions. Duo suddenly realized that he looked like he was going to be sick and felt guilty that his friend had seen him like this, that he had made him so distraught.  
    Duo dug his fingers into Shi's wrists. He wanted the collar off of him, more than he ever had this entire, terrible day. But Wes had said...  
  
   _'Shi doesn't understand. You don't need to take it off. You shouldn't take it off.'_  
  
    "If he found out that I took it off... even for a little while..." he saw the defiant look on Shi's face and hardened his resolve, "And if he found out about you... he would _hurt_ you," the eleven year old struggled to try to explain things to his friend, to make him understand all the things that had made him so afraid, "My head hurts..." he murmured, "He didn't just... hit me on the head. He slammed it to the floor. It hurts _all_ the time. He's strong, but he didn't kill me. He could have, but he didn't. The first night, when he kidnapped me, he told me that if I ever defied him, he would hurt me, and that's what he did, cuz that's what he had promised he would do. And before I left today, he told me to _never_ take this collar off. My head doesn't just hurt, my eyes... The thing he did to my head, that was just because he was mad. That wasn't my punishment for trying to run away from him," he brought up his right foot and touched his sneaker lightly. A slight tremor of pain ran up his foot, "Then he cut up the bottom of my feet. So I would never run away from him again."  
    Shi looked horrified and Duo wasn't sure if it was because of his feet or his head or something else. He definitely looked disturbed by something he had said, but the fear that Duo had wanted wasn't there and it worried him. If he couldn't make Shi afraid of Wes, would he do something stupid? Would he get hurt because of him? Because he, for some reason Duo just didn't understand, thought he needed to protect him? Shi's hands clenched on the collar, as though he meant to pull it off of him and Duo felt a thrill of fear, but then those looks of rage and horror disappeared from his friend's face, leaving only a deep sadness that made his chest hurt. The blonde let go of the collar and his red eyes softened. For a moment, it was as though he had never found that stupid collar to begin with.   
    "That man is a monster..." Shi muttered, "He doesn't deserve freedom... he should be chained up like a blood thirsty _beast_ , and even that would be too good for him. Any halfway decent human being wouldn't let him anywhere near a child..."  
    His voice was so soft that Duo was sure that he hadn't meant him to hear it, but then his tone cleared and the brunette felt the awkwardness between them dissipate, their usual relationship falling back into place and Shi looked like he had never been pissed to begin with.  
    "Let me see your feet," the older boy ordered him.  
    Duo thought about telling him no. He just wanted to ignore the wounds on his feet and he was a bit scared of taking his shoes off, but something in Shi's stare told him that he did not want to deny him this. He had been lucky with the collar, if he hadn't protested, Shi would have ripped it off and gone off to hunt Wes down and castrate him, at the very least. He very carefully untied his right sneaker and gently pulled it off of his foot. It didn't come off easily. The blood had become incredibly sticky, acting almost like a glue and he couldn't help a tiny, sharp gasp as pain started to wake up there again.   
    Shi winced sympathetically, easily seeing the blood that stained the inside of his sneaker completely. Anger colored his face again as he took a good look at Duo's mangled foot. What he could see of his leg was as white and pale as the rest of him, but the skin of his foot, what he could see through the bandages anyway, was already starting to become red and irritated with infection. The bandages were a lost cause, so stained with drying blood that they were causing more problems than they were helping solve. They needed to be changed, and probably had been in this state hours ago from the looks of them. Through the gaps in the poorly wrapped bandages, Shi could see hints of ugly looking cuts. It was hard for him to tell how deep they were since the blood was hiding most of the cuts, but he knew enough that they were going to scar when they eventually healed.  
    Shi tried very hard to keep the full extent of his rage off of his face, hidden from the boy. Who could do this to a child? What sort of monster would hurt a sweet thing like Duo like this, and then put a fucking _collar_ on him, like he was a piece of meat instead of a person?! He didn't need an answer to that question. He was well acquainted with monsters. Even so, his stomach churned with that repulsion and rage. He wished that Amaaya and Solo were here. He had a thousand thoughts of what he _should_ be doing to Wes right now, but he also knew how dangerous those thoughts were. His friends would know what to say to him to snap him back to reality.   
    "Here, lay back against the arm of the bench," he ordered Duo softly, "and put your foot in my lap."  
    If he couldn't quell his foolish emotions, then he was going to use them doing what he was supposed to do, taking care of the kid. He told himself that that was all that really mattered. The sadist that thought he owned him didn't matter, he was filth, nothing more. Duo did as he was told and put his right foot on Shi's lap. The change in position felt oddly nice for his foot and when Shi touched the bandages, he didn't feel afraid or in pain.  
    "What are you going to do?" Duo asked him, not out of worry, but curiosity.   
    "I want to get these bandages off of you, to get a better look at your foot. Also, they're filthy. The last thing you need is to get an infection because Wes is a fucking idiot," Shi told him, "If that's ok with you? It's going to hurt a bit, the bandages are sticking to your skin and the cuts are going to start to bleed a little, but I'll try to go as slowly as possible."  
    Duo shrugged.  
    "It isn't so bad," he tried to assure him, "I've been walking on them all day, so they're pretty numb."  
    This made Shi frown and all sorts of nasty thoughts about Wes flow through his head some more, but he didn't say anything. He found the loosest part of the bandage and began to unravel it. Every time Duo flinched or made some sharp, pained noise, Shi felt a tear in his heart. He tried to be as gentle and slow as he could, but every so often the bandages would snag on a drying scab and cause the wound to bleed a little bit.   
    He couldn't stand causing the kid pain, it came way too close to something that hurt too much to look at for him, but it needed to be done. Already, when the bandage pulled at one of the deeper cuts, he could see a tiny bit of white fluid mixed in with the blood. They weren't like cuts on an arm or the chest, he couldn't just wrap them up and hope they would get all better. The kid had been walking around... probably for a few hours now, and his feet were already looking terrible. If he didn't sterilize the cuts, and soon, they were going to get very infected. And he didn't even know what to think about his head injury.  
    Shi couldn't stop the heavy sigh. He wasn't a doctor, and he couldn't get Duo to one. Neither of them had health insurance, and the second any doctor took a look at these cuts, they would call child services. As wonderful as that sounded, getting the kid out of that monster's reach and possibly into a _real_ home, he wasn't that naive. Wes had a long reach, with the power and cruelty to get what he wanted no matter who got hurt in the process, and even if child services did pick Duo up... they tended to lose as many children as they pledged to help, especially kids like Duo that needed a little extra attention. That unsurety... the fact that there was probably nothing he could do... or even worse, there was something that he _should_ be doing, to guarantee that Duo was happy, and he was failing him, just killed him.   
    He unwrapped the left foot, too. This time there was no pus, but the skin was just as inflamed as the other foot. Duo obviously had the habit of putting more weight and stress on his right foot than his left, so the damage was worse, but they were both pretty bad. There might even be some nerve damage, and Duo's admission that they felt numb scared him.   
    "That feel better?" he asked when he was finished.  
    Duo nodded in amazement, sitting up straighter and looking at his naked feet. He had no idea why, but having his feet unbandaged, even though a few of the deeper cuts were bleeding, made his feet feel so much better. It just felt good, not having the bandages squeezing the cuts, and even the air felt nice. Having Shi look after him like this, someone he trusted, as much as someone like him _could_ trust, to have his best interest, to actually want him to feel better, and actually knew what they were doing, certainly much better than he did, settled most of his fears. If there was something really wrong, he knew that Shi would tell him. He moved his feet out of Shi's lap and sat up fully on the bench, wincing a little as he placed his feet on the ground again.   
    Shi reached over and touched Duo's hand lightly. He saw the relief in the boy's eyes, his trust and his faith in him. It hurt, in both good and bad ways, and that feeling of failure came to him again, making his insides feel like they were filled with lead. He chuckled self-depreciatingly.   
    "Solo was right," he said, in half mirth and half sadness, "My entire life, I haven't been able to help or save a single person, and I'm sick of it," he studied Duo for a moment, then touched the collar again, curling his hand around the dog tag, then looking the child in the eye again, "No one owns you," he said sternly and Duo felt his heart race with the emotions swirling in those ruby eyes, "That piece of shit may tell you where to go and who to let fuck you, but he _doesn't_ own you. A collar won't change that. Not even the people you love own you, and they never will."  
    Shi's words were as painful as Wes' blows to his head had been. No one owned him... that made his heart twist up. It made the dark spot in his heart grow even more. He started to cry again and this time he didn't try to stop it.  
    "I wish I could believe you," he cried in a raspy, choked voice, "but I _can't_."  
    "Duo-" Shi started to protest in frustration, desperate to make the boy believe him, and knowing exactly what was at stake if he couldn't.  
    The violet eyed boy couldn't stand those red eyes looking at him with such affection, such kindness and care. So different from the way that Wes looked at him, Shi's words so different from the man that had been taking care of him the last four years.  
  
   _'Why now?'_  
  
    Something inside of him was cracking.  
  
  _'After four years, why now?'_  
  
    Something that had started to churn in him ever since he had woken up on the couch this morning.  
  
   _'Four years letting him fuck you... four years listening to how little he cares if you live or die... four years living in darkness... four years before you found enough self worth to try to run from it... why now, why not before...'_  
  
    Duo felt that something snap, a strange, not all together real pain flaring deep inside of him where nothing could touch it.  
  
    "I'M NOT A DOG!" he screamed, his face screwing up with the force of the emotion pouring out of him. He felt like he might actually throw up from the mixture of rage, sadness, fear, and disgust that filled him up. It was as though the iron wall around his emotions had eroded away, and everything he had told himself that he didn't feel for all of these years was spilling out. All that anger... where was it coming from... were these really _his_ feelings? It didn't seem possible... that he could feel these things... And just as quickly as they had come upon him, they were gone, like his strings had been cut, "...am I?" Duo murmured.  
    The doubt in the child's voice, and all of the dark emotions he could see as clear as day on his face, almost had Shi in tears. He swept him up in his arms, this time not being at all careful, but holding him as tight as Duo would allow him to. How could he doubt something like that? He wished that he could find Wes and kill him as slowly and painfully as possible, but he knew that if he did, Duo wouldn't be free of this nightmare. Wes' business partners would try to kill him, either out of spite or just to send a message. Or worse. They would torture him, retrain him however they saw fit, and then throw him in a brothel, using his scars as a reminder to all the other whores what happened when you got ideas, if you made friends with the wrong sort of people. Someplace with iron bars and electronic collars.   
    What made Wes dangerous was not how he kept Duo restrained, but the freedom that he gave him. The man was giving him shelter, even if it was a horrible one. He let him come and go without chains, which were the worst kind of all. The kind that you couldn't see or unlock. The kind that truly tied you to a person. As much as Shi wanted to take him away from that, he couldn't deny the facts. Without Wes, Duo had no home, no food or shelter, and even though Wes ignored his injuries most of the time, when it was something serious, he had the money to pay for a doctor. A _good_ doctor, not some hack working at a clinic. Shi couldn't do that for him.   
    He hated himself for that, as thoroughly as a person _could_ hate themselves. He gave money to people who were down on their luck, as much as he could afford, but he didn't even have the means to help this one child, someone who needed his help more than any of the rest. As much as he hated Wes, he hated himself even more, for being able to do nothing more than hold him close like this. And a part of himself hated Duo, too. He loved him, but he hated him. He hated how much the kid reminded him of his little brother, another child he had been unable to save. Their eyes... their faces... the tint of their skin and even the way that they cried was exactly the same. It made the abuse that Wes put him through all the more horrific to Shi.  
    He wanted to let go of him, he wanted to just forget that this boy existed, to never come back to this street corner, to just let him fade away. But that part of himself was tiny. He couldn't do it. Even if it killed him at the end, he couldn't stop loving this boy, and hating his own inadequacies.   
    "I need to get some antibiotics for your feet," Shi told Duo when his crying started to get less, "They're starting to look pretty bad."  
    "It's fine," Duo murmured, snuffling a little, "They don't hurt too much-"  
    "It _isn't_ fine," Shi said sternly, but not harshly, "What matters is these cuts getting infected, not how much they hurt. There are a couple of them that are already showing signs and I'm not going to trust your pimp to take care of them before they need to be lanced or something worse."   
    He shrugged his jean jacked off and wrapped it around the boy's shoulders. It was comically big on the eleven year old and he curled up in it, secretly enjoying how warm it was. It smelled like sage and cigarettes, a very earthly smell. That smell soothed him for some reason.   
    "Can you wait here for a little bit?" Shi asked him, his voice and eyes maddeningly soft and kind, "I'd get some from my apartment, but it's too far away. I don't want to leave you waiting here all by yourself for that long."  
    Duo nodded.  
    "Wes isn't expecting me back right away," he told him.  
    "I'll be right back," the blonde promised and leaned over to kiss Duo on the forehead suddenly before getting up and jogging off.  
    Duo turned a brilliant scarlet red and he sunk deeper into Shi's jacket as the other boy left him alone in search of medicine. His head started to throb, but it wasn't one entirely of pain. He would never figure Shi out, he realized. Not ever. All of the men that had come and gone through his life, and he had been the first that had given a shit about him. He had been the first person to make him feel like a human being, like there might be something more that what Wes had turned him into. Even if it was a lie, it made him feel good in these brief moments when he got to see his friends. Shi made him feel warm, and he made him hurt. He made him realize that what he had felt the most when he had seen that there hadn't been anyone here, before the loneliness and before the betrayal, had been fear. Fear that the dangers of their lives had finally caught up with them. That, unthinkably, he had out lived one, or even all, of the best friends he had ever had.  
  
*****  
  
    It was five blocks to the nearest pharmacy. There were a few convenience store along the way, but he wasn't interested in them. Duo needed something stronger than cheap, anti-bacterial cream for minor scrapes. Also, he knew the manager of the pharmacy and ever since he had saved the man's life from two coked out robbers a couple of years ago, he had been letting Shi walk off with free medical supplies every once in awhile. Which was fortunate because he just wasn't in the mood for pick-pocketing right now and even something as basic as antiseptic and bandages were ridiculously expensive. He took some painkillers, antiseptic, a roll of paper towels, a bottle of water, and cold medicine for Solo as well. He knew that Duo was insisting that his feet weren't hurting that much, but the kid often hid the worst of his pain from them. It wouldn't make the pain any worse, anyway, and he didn't think that Wes would give him anything to help even if Duo had the courage to ask him for it.   
    Shi ran all the way back where he had left the boy. Living with that piece of shit, he dealt with life and death dangers every day, but he refused to let anything happen to him under his watch. And now he was incapacitated. His feet being numb was worse than them hurting, he wouldn't be able to run very far or very well if anyone started shit with him. And that collar... rage flared in him again and he fought to put a lid on it. It was hard. It had always been difficult for him to control his anger, ever since he had been a kid, and as much as he told himself that there was nothing he could do for Duo, there would always be a part of himself that didn't believe that.  
    Duo was nodding off by the time he got back to him, his head bowed and his eyes closed as he was curled up in his jacket. Shi felt his heart warm watching him, but he also felt a great deal of sadness. The boy actually looked his age for once.   
    "I'm back," he warned him, not wanting to startle or scare him by approaching him too suddenly.  
    Duo blinked up at him groggily and looked for a moment as though he were about to fall back asleep, which Shi wouldn't have minded. The kid looked like a nap would do him a world of good. Then Duo lifted his head, and it must have caused some kind of pain for him, because his eyes shot fully open and he looked panicked, almost like a mother that had become focused looking at a dress or some grocery that she needed, only to come back to herself and realize that her child was not right beside her anymore. He looked around frantically, but when he saw the sun, peeking out through the clouds, he relaxed. It wasn't that hard to figure out, that Wes had probably given him some kind of curfew and, for a terrifying moment, Duo had thought that he had surpassed it. Even if the eleven year old did fall asleep, Shi resolved that he would make sure he got back in time, personally. He didn't think that his younger friend could take much more 'punishments'.   
    "Have you had anything to drink today?" Shi asked him, putting his bag of supplies on the bench and sitting down on the opposite end.  
    "A glass of soda," Duo said, "I... I don't know if I had anything else. My memory is really fuzzy."  
    Shi frowned at that. The violet eyed boy was lucky if that was all his memory was. He dug the bottle of water and pain killers out of the bag and handed them to him.  
    "Here, take these and drink half of this, but just half. I need the rest."  
    Duo struggled to get the cap off. His hands were shaking again. He wasn't sure why exactly, if it was because he hadn't eaten anything, the fright of waking up and not knowing what time it had been, or the sudden sharp pain in his head. He finally managed and was happy that Shi hadn't tried to help him. He popped the pills into his mouth, for once not caring about what they were. The pain was starting to come back into his feet and he just didn't want to think about it anymore. The water was warm, but good with his dry mouth and throat, and though he wished he could have the rest of it, he handed the bottle back to Shi. The tall blonde put it aside and helped Duo move so his back was resting on the back of the bench, his feet dangling over the side, and he kneeled down in front of him, grabbing the bottle of water.  
    "I'm going to clean the cuts first, since he did such a shitty job of bandaging them, then I'll disinfect them and bandage them again," he informed Duo, who nodded.   
    He gritted his teeth as Shi poured the rest of the water on the bottom of his feet. It burned the cuts and he was suddenly very glad that it wasn't cold. The older boy used the paper towels to dab his feet dry, making sure not to put too much pressure on the cuts.   
    "Sorry, this is going to hurt a little," he said apologetically, and then took his time pouring the antiseptic over the cuts.   
    This time Duo hissed. He wasn't a stranger to antiseptic, but the burning and stinging was incredibly unpleasant. His toes twitched and he tried not to thrash and hit Shi in the face. Shi was unfazed, totally focused on his job. He had bandaged Amaaya and Solo up many, many times, so this felt almost like a routine to him. When he was satisfied that he had sterilized all of the cuts as much as he could, he spread the antibacterial ointment on them and started to bandage Duo's feet with the clean bandages.   
    The way Shi wrapped his feet was nothing like Wes. He was slow and methodical, making the bandages tight out of care, not to cause him pain, and he didn't leave any gaps. When the blonde was done, Duo actually felt better. He didn't know why, his feet still hurt, but they felt cleaner at least, and he wasn't so afraid of the injuries. Shi stashed the remains of the supplies back into the plastic bag and reached up to touch the bandages around Duo's head. They were entirely different than the ones that had been around his feet, even more carefully wrapped than his own. It was as though someone other than Wes had done it...  
    "No, don't touch it!" Duo yelled and recoiled from him, his heart racing and a phantom pain shot through his skull, as though Shi really had touched him.  
    Shi backed away from him.  
    "Are you sure?" he asked, burning to see the damage that Wes had done to him and make sure that he was going to be ok, not that he thought his meager efforts would help if he wasn't.   
    Duo nodded. He felt a kind of stinging hatred suddenly for Shi. He wanted to scream at him to leave him alone, to demand to know what he was doing here, why he was being so kind to him when no one else gave a shit. He didn't like the feeling and he didn't understand where all this violent anger and bitterness was coming from. It wasn't like him. He never felt like this. But suddenly, Shi's care for him hurt, it felt wrong.   
    "That's about as much I can do for them, I think," the red eyed man said.  
    "Thank you, Shi," Duo said honestly, flexing his toes.   
    Shi smiled and ruffled his hair.      
    "I... I should go back now," the boy murmured reluctantly, "He said I didn't have to be back until 11, but..."  
    "I know," Shi said softly, "better safe than sorry."  
    Duo looked away from him. He hated how his friend could always see right through him. He didn't have to explain why the only reason why he had come all the way out here was because he hadn't wanted to go back to the apartment, because he had wanted someone to talk to, someone to not look at him like a piece of meat. He didn't have to explain how much finding that person hurt, or that his fright in waking and not knowing what time it was had scared him enough that whatever hesitance he had felt in not wanting to go back to Wes had lessened in the face of his fear. Shi knew all of it. It seemed like he was the only person he _couldn't_ hide the truth from.  
    "I'll carry you back," the other whore told him.  
    "I can-"  
    "Walk, I know. And I would like to keep it that way. Wes isn't going to give a shit how much your feet hurt, or what damage he did to them. He's going to make it hard on you, force you to walk more because of your injury and you know it. That doesn't mean that I have to be a party to that. Besides, it will make me feel better, ok?"  
    Duo shrugged uncomfortably. He felt that strange twist of emotions again. Bitterness at Shi's kindness. Embarrassment that he needed Shi to do something like this for him because he wasn't strong enough to take care of himself. Warmth that Shi cared enough to force him to take that kindness. He waited for Shi to reclaim his jacket, already missing the warm denim, and then wrapped his arms around the blonde's neck and let him lift him up. Shi carried him and the supplies easily, as though Duo were no more than another bag he was carrying home. Duo was sure that Shi would drop him off where he had a week ago, a few blocks away from the apartment, but was shocked when Shi kept walking until they were standing in the alley right outside of the apartment.  
    How could he possibly know where he lived?! He hadn't told him, not _any_ of them! He had made sure not to. The less they knew about the details of his life with Wes, the safer it was for them, so how had Shi figured it out? Had he known all this time, or had he followed him here once? That didn't seem likely, Shi just didn't seem like the type of person that would do something like that...   
    Shi let Duo down gently and studied him with that all knowing stare of his that always made the boy squirm. He seemed to want to say something to him. Something very grave and very serious. Duo looked away from him, not wanting to hear it or to figure out what it was, and caught his own reflection in a puddle left over from the rain.   
    His pale face with violet eyes rimmed with tired circles stared back at him. It was the first time he had actually seen himself since before Wes had hurt his head. He looked like some kind of strange ghost of a boy that had been killed in a war, his face worn and his eyes large and haunted, bandages wrapped just under his bangs. Had he always looked this small, thin, and pathetic? Just looking at himself, he felt that he had no strength, no resolve at all. The metal of the collar glittered in the reflection and he saw, for the very first time, what he really looked like with it on. He was overcome with the very strong, very real, and very crazed urge to claw at it until it came apart in his hands or it left his fingers completely bloody. He clenched his hands tightly closed, trying to get rid of the impulse, and was frightened at just how strong it was. Just how strong and deep his self-hate ran.  
    Duo tore his gaze away from his reflection and looked up at Shi. The older boy looked pained and greatly upset, but was visibly trying to push it down deep, to not let Duo see it. He realized it then, and he would wonder why he hadn't realized it before, that Shi was just as much a slave as he was. They all were. There was no one to hit Shi if he did something bad, or tell him that he was useless. There was no one that would take the money he had earned or regulate his food, water, and bathing like you would a dog. But even so, Shi was a slave. He could never do what he wanted, live how he wanted. He couldn't even help the people he wanted to. Even if he wanted a better life, to have a different way to make money, he would always be a whore.   
    For people like them, what else was there? If Shi had had a choice to be anything else, he would have taken it. And in that moment, Duo knew, if Shi had been able to save him, to help him, he would have. He hadn't needed to run away, that had been so childish of him to think that that would have made any kind of difference. Even if he had made it out of the apartment, there was nothing that his friends could do for him. If there was, they would have. Even if he didn't deserve it, he knew that Shi would try, if he was able to. He had thought, in his darker moments, that they were lying, that there was no way that any of them would want to help him, just like everyone else. But that pain in Shi's eyes... he couldn't believe that that was fake.  
    He was never going to be free. He was always going to be a whore. Even if he did manage to run away some day. Even if Wes _died_ , he would always come back to this. He had nothing else. He _was_ nothing else. Just this. Thanks to Wes, and thanks to his own failings, all he knew how to do was spread his legs, lie, and steal. He couldn't go back to eating out of dumpsters just to survive. He had barely been able to feed himself and protect himself back then, when he had been smaller, faster. He was older now, almost a teenager, he needed more to live, and now that his feet were ruined, he would never be as successful. One day, he would get hungry. Very, very hungry. Hungry enough to do _anything_ just for a bite to eat. And there whoring would be, his only option. He would betray himself, he would always be this shameful dog, he couldn't possibly escape it.   
    The only real difference between him and Shi, the lives they led, was that everyone could see what he was on the outside because of this damned collar. And that shouldn't bother him. If it didn't matter, then wearing this shouldn't bother him at all. But even then... he hated that reminder of what he really was.   
    "Please... take care of yourself ok?" Shi implored instead of what he had wanted to say, "If your head gets any worse, or your cuts get infected, come see me."  
    "I'll try," Duo promised him. It was the most that he could do.   
    The tall blonde sighed heavily, but nodded. Again, that expression that he wanted to say more came over him. But whatever it was that he wanted to say, he seemed to know that he shouldn't, responsibly, say to Duo and simply gave him a wan smile, not ruffling his hair like he usually did because of his head injury, and turned and walked down the alley. Duo watched the form of his back through his jacket as he walked away. It was slimmer than Wes', his shoulders not as wide, but it reminded him of his strength and surety for a moment. And for a moment, he was filled with both love and contempt for his friend and it only confused him.   
    As soon as Shi was out of his sight, he went into the apartment. The very first thing he wanted to do was go lie down on his bed and get the weight off of his feet. He felt like he hadn't slept in a week, at the same time that he was still groggy and heavy headed, but he knew the drill. Wes' money came first. He found him sitting in his chair in the main room, watching a news broadcast about a man a few towns north of them that had been found brutally murdered. He didn't seem to be paying attention to it that much, a cigarette dangling from his fingers. The ash tray next to him had several used butts that hadn't been there when Duo had left and the smell of the smoke was thick in the room, creating a kind of haze.   
    The man looked worn around the edges, reminding Duo for a very, very odd moment of the way that Solo looked after a long day of work. The skin on the side of his hands was irritated as though he had been scrubbing at something and his hands were stained pink. Higher up on his arms were darker spots of red and the hem of his pale green shirt had more noticeable, dried stains of blood. He could also smell, through the scent of tobacco, the scent of cleaning supplies.   
  
    'That's my blood.'  
      
    Wes finally noticed him there and gave him a stony look for a moment.   
    "Go to all your appointments?" he asked gruffly and Duo realized that he sounded tired. He couldn't remember another time when he had ever seen him or heard him like this and it made him feel funny.  
    Duo nodded.  
    "Yes, sir," he said softly and took the money out of his pocket, putting the wad next to the ash tray.  
    To his astonishment, Wes didn't count out the money or try to search him to see if he was hiding any like he usually did. He just stuck it in the pocket of his jeans like it was irrelevant.  
    "Come here," he ordered Duo, gesturing to in front of him.  
    The tone of his voice wasn't angry, but slightly stern, not at all like how he spoke when he was training him or about to punish him and Duo didn't know what to make of his mood. He was instantly wary of him, like he was on the incredibly rare occasions that he got drunk enough that he became more unpredictable than he usually was, but he shakily walked in front of him. Wes sat up and grabbed at Duo's head. Duo gave out a sharp inhalation of shock and flinched from him, but Wes didn't even seem to notice. He turned the boy's head to look at the back of it, inspecting it, but didn't touch the impact point where Duo had been expecting him to touch.   
    Wes made some annoyed sound and let go of him.  
    "Take off your shoes."  
    Duo hesitated for a second. He had no idea how, but he had hoped that he would be able to hide his newly wrapped and cleaned feet from Wes for long enough that he would just assume that he had done it himself with the med-kit in the bathroom. What would he think if he saw them now, that he had used some of his money to buy new bandages? Seeing that Wes was already starting to get impatient with him, he kicked off his sneakers. The blonde frowned seeing his feet and without any kind of warning, picked him up and placed him in his lap. Duo shuddered, thinking for a moment that he was going to fuck him, but Wes only grabbed his right ankle, examining the wrappings.   
    He expected the man to get pissed, as it was rather obvious that Duo hadn't done the job himself, the bandages were too neat, but Wes, oddly, only seemed satisfied with how they were. The pimp lightly pushed him off of his lap with a kind of gentleness that was totally alien to the boy. Wes kept one large hand on Duo's thin shoulder, not to hold him there, but just to touch, making him nervous. Grey eyes studied him for a moment and Duo saw something in them that he didn't like. He didn't like because it didn't belong on the man's face at all. Approval... and something else, something that reminded him of Shi for a second.  
    "There's some beef stew in the refrigerator and biscuits on the counter. Heat them up. I don't care how much you take. Finish the milk. I hate that shit and I'm not going to throw it out when I could have spent that money on something else. Eat in your room and don't come out unless you have to use the bathroom, is that understood? If you need anything, you can wait for me when I feel like checking up on you," Wes said matter of factly, so Duo couldn't tell if he was angry at him or annoyed with him or what.   
    He felt like he was dreaming and he stared up at Wes as though he had never seen him before in his life before nodding slowly.  
    He was positive that this was some sort of trick, that the second he turned his back on Wes, he would grab him, hit him, and demand to know where he had gone after his last job, and who had bandaged his feet. But he got to the kitchen and Wes stayed where he was, watching the news program without actually watching it, deep in some disturbing thought.  
    Duo opened the refrigerator and sure enough, sitting among the beer bottles and some food items he didn't recognize (he wished that he had thought to have asked Shi what day it was, because he still had no clue) there was a bowl of beef stew waiting for him. Wes hated beef stew, even when it was cold out. And it was one of those bowls that the grocery store near them sold, still sealed tight and untouched.   
  
   _Why?_  
  
    Duo took it out of the refrigerator, limped over to a cabinet, and tried to reach up and get a bowl, but shocks of pain through his feet had him immediately regretting it. He pulled over a chair and kneeled on it, almost sighing in relief at the almost immediate release of pain. While staying mostly on the chair, he dumped the beef stew into a pan and cooked it on the stove. He debated just heating it up in the microwave, but didn't mind having to do extra dishes. He hated the way beef tasted when you zapped it, and if Wes wasn't going to punish him for using the stove, he preferred it this way. The aroma of the meat, potatoes, and carrots as it cooked was painful. His stomach finally seemed to realize its hunger and began to cramp up.  
    Duo grabbed a biscuit from a zip-lock baggie and chewed on it as he waited for the thick stew to get the right temperature. Why? Why would Wes do this, go out and buy a meal that was obviously intended for him? He had tried to run away... so the man had gone out and bought him a hot meal? It made no sense to him, he just couldn't figure it out. It scared him and made him nervous. Maybe it was just because Wes wanted him to keep up his strength so he would be able to keep going on jobs, but he could have gotten him anything rich in protein and other nutrients for that. Why something he would like?   
  
_He's being nice to me. He bought me food and cleaned up my blood. He made sure my feet were fixed up and didn't ask who did it. He didn't even try to rape me. He's acting... acting like Sh-_  
      
    Pain flared through his head, both physical and emotional and he felt a strange ache in his chest. Wes was treating him like a child. Duo squeezed his eyes shut. Like a father would. That realization made him sick to his stomach.   
  
   _Is he... is Wes my..._  
  
    He switched off the burner, dumped the stew into the bowl, poured himself the rest of the milk, and grabbed a couple of biscuits before walking as swiftly to his bedroom as he could, as though something terrible were chasing him. Something with cold, grey eyes and sharp claws.  
  
*****  
  
    Name and Heero ate better than Duo had. About an hour after Duo had fallen asleep, long enough that Name was assured that he was getting some rest at least, she left him under her son's guard to sneak them in some food. Although she didn't really have to do much sneaking considering that, by now, none of the hospital staff felt the urge to start any fights with her over something that trivial. She felt a bit bad about it, going out and some fresh sandwiches and salads from the nearby deli when her sick charge had to choke down hospital food, but her anxious stomach just couldn't handle that greasy, freeze-dried mess, and she had been antsy to stretch her legs.   
    Name felt torn. She couldn't bear to be away from Duo for more than a minute, her instincts telling her that there was still something very wrong, and how lucky they had been to get him back at all, let alone in one piece. But at the same time, sitting there, watching him sleep, not only made her feel intense relief and love for him, but also a swirl of negative emotions that made her blood churn. Anxiety over the fact that, even though they had gotten Duo back, it hadn't really solved anything. Wes was still out there. The demons from Duo's life were still stalking him, and she doubted that Wes was the only one they would have to worry about. Anxiety over what she needed to do in order to ensure her child's safety. Yes, she knew now, what she had tried to deny in the past, that Wes had driven her into a corner and that she would have to betray her own morals and ideals in order to save someone she loved, but that didn't mean that it was an easy decision or that it was going to let her sleep easy.   
    She felt this deep fear that even that wouldn't be enough to stop Wes. She had sent person after person after him when they had been looking for Duo, men she had never thought she would _ever_ need to contact in her lifetime, all for naught. Wes wasn't just some thug, a rabid dog she needed to put down. He was smart. He knew how to cover his tracks and stay downwind, not just to hide, but to be the first one to strike. He wasn't immortal, but his game wasn't hers. She had no idea what sort of weapon it would take to get the best of him. And she felt guilt. Every cut, every bruise, every raspy breath that Duo took, she felt personally responsible for. If she had acted sooner, if she had spent more time focusing on dealing with Wes... would this ever had happened? Or was this inevitable?   
    She did not want Duo to ever see these thoughts or feelings on her face. She didn't want to leave him alone and have her anxiety swallow her up, but she needed perspective. They all did. She didn't want a single one of them, not even Wufei, to become like Duo had been when Wes had shot him in the woods, terrified of his own shadow, overlooking everything else, all the good things, because of that fear. So it was nice to get out of that hospital room, make some phone calls to her assistant, and just to have some fresh air.  
    Duo slept long and hard, not waking up even once as the two of them had eaten their lunch or the entire time they sat there as silent guard, reading or pretending to read. Quatre and Trowa didn't come back and Name was glad. It was nice to have some quiet and she knew that Duo would want to be awake to see them, and she wasn't going to wake him up any time soon. Besides, the longer they stayed away, it meant the longer they were resting themselves. The longhaired boy twitched a few times, his face scrunching up in some sort of pain and his mouth moved in his sleep, as though he were saying things in his dream or perhaps making some noise that they couldn't hear. It scared the both of them, that Duo's psychosis was so terrible it was even affecting him while he slept.   
    Heero wasn't exactly sure when he had drifted asleep as he had sat there, a silent but resilient guard, but eventually the long days and hard nights he had gone through when Duo had been missing caught up with him, much to Name's relief. His dreams were nearly as troubling as Duo's were; some involving Wes, others Duo or his father, occasionally a bastard mix of all three. By the time he was jolted awake, it was late at night, a little over twenty four hours since Duo had been admitted.   
    He was incredibly disorientated, waking up in the dark hospital room, the lights from Duo's heart monitor and what little light fought through the heavy blinds on the window giving only hints to information. For a moment, he thought he was still dreaming. His mother wasn't in the room anymore, but her cell phone was still on the bed side table, so she couldn't have gone far. He blinked in the darkness, trying to figure out what had woken him up, not another nurse, but something that had his heart hammering in his chest.  
    The sound hadn't woken him, because there wasn't anything louder than Duo's shaky breathing, not even strong enough to be called a pant. For a startling moment, in the darkness Heero thought that Duo was looking at him, needing him but not wanting to wake him up. He was sitting up, and he could see that glint of the brunette's eyes, but little else. He sat up quickly and his eyes adjusted to the darkness, seeing that his friend wasn't looking at him at all, but straight ahead, at the blank wall. His breathing was hard and trembling, still having that raspy quality from being strangled.   
    "Duo?" he murmured sleepily, but there was no response.  
    Duo didn't even turn to look at him, just kept his odd, senseless staring and uneven breathing, reminding Heero of a child that had been badly frightened by some moving shadow in their bedroom late at night. He scrambled for the light switch on the lamp that was on the bedside table, not wanting to hurt Duo's eyes with the overhead lights. Heero's heart skipped a few beats as the light showed him why his friend wasn't responding to him, even by a simple look.  
    Duo's eyes were indeed open, but they were only half lidded, blank and unseeing, dark like a doll's. The sheets on the bed had been tossed around like in a strong wind and his hospital gown had been pushed up to his thighs. It was then that Heero realized what had woken him. It hadn't been the increased beeping of his heart monitor, but the sharp smell of fresh blood.   
    The bandages that had once been wrapped around his leg were a lost cause. Duo hadn't simply unwrapped them, they were torn and shredded, some bits still wrapped around his leg, like a wild animal had been at them. Some white strands still clung to his fingernails. His leg and hands were smeared with blood. It wasn't dark, like the blood that he had been covered with when Heero had found him, but it stained the white sheets as it dripped down his leg from the wound. Duo, unable in his dazed state, almost like sleepwalking, to find anything better, had attacked the puncture with his nails, making it bigger. Blood was stuck under them and the darkest of the red was on his fingers. He hadn't set off to hurt himself logically, if he had, he could used something better, something deadlier. He could have ripped out one of his IVs and used the needle, or even the pen that was on the bedside table. It was more like he had gone into a frenzy and had savagely attacked himself. Cuts made from his fingernails ran over his upper leg and for a moment, they didn't look human to Heero at all.  
    "Christ, Duo," Heero stood up so fast, he knocked the chair over and didn't notice it, grabbing Duo's upper arms in case he decided to try to hurt himself even more than he already had. His best friend's hands were lax at his sides, and it looked like his fit had passed, his eyes and body devoid of any kind of energy, but he wasn't taking any chances.   
    Duo's skin was cold and even though Heero's grip was tight, he remained unresponsive. The Japanese boy felt panicked. He didn't know what this was. Duo had never done anything remotely like this before, even when he had been in his worst panic attacks. Right now, he didn't even recognize him, it was like...  
  
 _Mentally unstable_  
  
    he was dreaming with his eyes open. What should he do? His mother wasn't here, and he had this horrible, twisting feeling in his gut that he wasn't going to be able to talk his friend down this time. Duo didn't even seem aware that he was here, touching him, how could his voice reach him? That he had done this to himself... Heero felt his stomach churn. He couldn't deny that Stark had been telling the truth now. The American had stabbed himself, and now, in his sleep, he had hurt himself again... Would they have to constantly guard his sleep or whenever he was drugged? He couldn't wrap his head around it, why Duo had done this, what was wrong with him. His inability to speak and now this.   
    Heero slowly let go of Duo's arms. He felt helpless again, like he was failing the person he loved somehow. He felt swept up in this tidal wave of desperation and fear. When he had found Duo in his bedroom, he had thought that it was all over, as long as they had gotten him away from Wes, he wouldn't have to be afraid of losing him. But he didn't know how to save his best friend from himself anymore than he had known how to save him from his abuser.   
    He wrapped his arms around the longhaired boy and tucked his head under his chin. Duo was so small... he forgot sometimes, whenever the younger teen showed him how strong he was, how resilient he could be, but in his arms like this, he was reminded of how slight he was, too, all the damage that malnutrition had done over the years, how incapable he seemed to bear everything that life had thrown at him. Heero cried silently, his shoulders shaking a little as he felt Duo's soft hair against his neck. If Duo had really reached the end of his rope, and that was what this was, then everything was on them.   
    He would have to be strong for his friend and try to bring him out of the dark again, but this time, he was in a much deeper and darker place. Heero was suddenly struck by the ludicrousness of the situation. He was seventeen years old, not even old enough to vote, he could barely take care of himself. How could he hope to help the one person he cared about more than anyone else? How could any of them when they didn't even know exactly what was wrong? He had always been able to figure it out in the end, because even when Duo was lost in his nightmares, in his memories and demons, he found ways of communicating. They had always been a team, helping each other find the right path, but now Heero felt that they were both very much alone, separated from each other, more than they had ever been after that nightmare trip to Boston.   
    At first, Duo felt like a doll in his arms, lifeless, not moving and cold. But as he held him, some warmth seeped into his skin and he began to move a little.  
    "Please..." Heero begged softly, "I know that something terrible happened to you, and that you're scared and confused and lost, but I need you to help me."  
    He felt something tug on his shirt and looked down. Duo had one of his blood stained hands fisted in his shirt and was looking up at him. His eyes were red and wet from having crying in his sleep at some point. He was still distant, as though he were dreaming with his eyes open or he was very severely drugged, but there was a spark of recognition in his eyes. He seemed like he wasn't in pain at all and was completely unaware of what he had done to himself. Duo closed his eyes and sagged against him, the heart monitor settling.                             Heero waited for him to go into another fit or open his eyes again, but he didn't. He seemed to actually be sleeping now. He didn't know what to believe, that his presence had stopped his friend from hurting himself anymore and had soothed the darkness for a little bit, or that Duo was just too tired for anymore, that it was just a matter of time before he did it again. He knew what he had to do, but he hated himself for it.  
    "Please forgive me," he murmured and kissed his friend's forehead.  
  
*****  
      
    Before his head injury, Duo couldn't remember thinking about his dreams all that much. He had had nightmares, of course, but given what his life had been like, his nightmares had never surprised him. Truthfully, back then, his dreams had always been distant and fuzzy, the way he supposed dreams were for almost everyone. After Wes had cracked his skull, his nightmares had changed. A lot of them remained fuzzy and hard to remember, but every now and then, although nothing like the hallucination he had had about Zechs killing Heero, they were so detailed, so sharp that his sleeping mind confused them for reality. Sometimes his dreams were like memories, being replayed like on a DVD player, some of those memories were even things that he had forgotten. He had assumed that it was because of the head trauma, but the longer he had had those lucid dreams, the more he had started to suspect that the cracked skull was only partially to blame.   
  
_He was never going to be free. He was always going to be a whore. Even if he did manage to run away some day. Even if Wes **died** , he would always come back to this. He had nothing else. He was nothing else._   
      
    This was one of those times. A memory, not a dream, incomplete pieces, sewn together by his frazzled mind. Even before he opened his eyes, Duo understood that. This had been a bad one. It had felt so real that he could still feel the collar around his neck, the throbbing in his skull, and taste the odd flavor of burnt metal that he had tasted in everything he had eaten for days after Wes had hurt his head. The over head lights of the hospital room burned his eyes and made his headache worse, so he immediately closed them, not liking the similarities of the pain to the one in his memory.   
    His own thoughts from back then weighed on him. A dog... he had truly believed what Wes had told him all those years ago and it had festered in him. He had believed that he would never break free, that he would die a whore.   
    'I was wrong,' he realized, and the thought filled him with relief, but also bitterness, both against Wes and himself. He opened his eyes a little and turned his head to look at a darker corner of the room.  
    He had been wrong... he had come to believe in Wes' hateful words so easily, that there was no way out for him. By believing that, he had kept himself in that hell... and he had believed it for so long. Even after Name had taken him in, some part of him had clung to that childhood illusion. But Wes _was_ dead. He wasn't a whore anymore.   
    His heart shuddered. He wasn't a whore. He _wasn't_. He never had to whore again, the man that had turned him into that was dead and he had killed him. He could believe in that for the first time in his life. He was a criminal, a murderer, and a coward, but for the first time in eight years, he had actually escaped. That fact terrified him, but he couldn't deny it.   
    Shi had been right all along. He wasn't owned by anyone. Not even Name and Heero owned him. He could do what he wanted. Wes had put a collar around his neck and called him his dog, but he hadn't owned him, not really. When it had really mattered, Duo had made his own decisions. He had decided to go with Heero and Name instead of him, hadn't he? But... if he hadn't been Wes' dog all this time... why did his death bother him so much?   
    He should be happy. He should be overjoyed that he finally overcame him, even if the freedom he had now had forced him to become a killer... but he didn't feel happy. He felt grotesque. He felt like a monster. How was that any better than feeling like a dog? There had to have been some other way to get away from Wes... if he had just tried harder...  
  
 _It's my fault he raped me._  
  
    Instead of panicking about escaping, he should have waited until Wes had been out of the apartment.  
  
  _I should have fought harder._  
  
    Wes had haunted him for so long. He had turned him into an animal. And yet, he felt guilty, like he should be punished for lashing out at him, for driving that blade into his throat. He had always believed that Wes was a monster for all the lives he had taken. Did the reason for it really matter? He had taken the life of a person, why should he be forgiven for that? There had to have been a way... there _had_ to... it had to be his fault...  
    Duo closed his eyes again. His heart hurt. Why did he have to remember these things? Why couldn't he just forget? Forget Wes, forget that he had killed him...forget how much he missed Shi and Solo, how he just knew that they would find the right things to say to him to ease this pain in his heart. Shi would say that Wes deserved it, that it was a good thing that he was dead and he had done the world a service. Solo would say that it wasn't his fault, that he hadn't meant to kill him.   
    He wanted to forget all of the damage that Wes had done to his life. All these mental roadblocks and fears and disabilities that even now, he struggled with. How much the impact of the back of his head into the tiled floor had hurt, and how it had destroyed his memories. He still couldn't remember what had happened directly after the injury, how much time he had lost and what he had done in those moments. He had thought that he had tried to run away from Wes when he had been seven years old, but he hadn't met Shi and the others until he had been eleven. His memories... his beliefs of what had happened when where all screwed up. It terrified him.   
    If he was wrong about when he had run away... or the first time he had met Shi... what else was he wrong about? What else was he missing from his life?   
    A terrifying thought occurred to him as he lay there, half asleep and half awake. What if his inability to remember his parents, remember his real name, where he had come from, and who he really was... what if he _had_ remembered? What if all the things he was confused about, all the things that were missing from his past had nothing to do with how young he had been? What if Wes had stolen all of those things as well?  
    Duo squeezed his eyes shut and allowed his tiredness to overcome him. He ignored that dark voice inside of him, screaming things at him that he didn't want to hear. He just wanted to sleep. He was so concentrated on that desire, to just slip away, that Duo didn't realize in his stress and tiredness that there was a new line in his arm, or the cuffs closed around his wrists.  
  
End part 16  
  
  
  
  
      
  
  



	63. The Second Son Part 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Duo continues to try to hurt himself, Heero tells Stark for his own good, but feels like he is betraying his best friend.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 17  
  
      
    Heero had done some pretty shitty things in his life. Back when he had taken up smoking for all of five months, he had stolen money from his mother. He had constantly picked stupid, useless fights with Quatre and Trowa to drive them away. He had gotten kicked out a few school for beating up his classmates and a teacher or two, others his mother had been forced to remove him. He had hurt people and had felt no remorse for any of it. But he had never before felt like such an ass as when he told Stark what Duo had done to himself in his sleep. He had never felt such an instant surge of guilt as when he watched the doctor put the cuffs around his wrists again and sedate him.  
    He told himself that it was necessary, that Duo had no control over his own actions right now, that he was hurting himself and not even realizing it, but he still felt like he was kicking a puppy, like he was the worst friend in the entire world. Duo's reaction to it wasn't helping. About an hour after Stark had left, Duo woke up. He had seemed to be in a daze from the drugs and had quickly fallen back asleep without having realized that he was restrained, which had been a huge relief. His friend slept for a long time after that, and Heero didn't know if it was because of the drugs, how sick he was, or if some part of him knew what was happening, what he had done to himself, and was hiding from it.   
    He almost wished that Duo would just sleep for the rest of their hospital stay. That he would just rest, blissfully ignorant of the chaos that his self-injury had caused, and wake up healed and refreshed, able to speak and tell them everything that had happened. But of course, reality wasn't that simple. Even if Duo did sleep for the next couple of days, it wasn't going to fix what was really wrong with him, the reason why he couldn't speak and why he kept hurting himself. If anything, sleep was the enemy. The two times that Duo had hurt himself that Heero knew of, he had been asleep, first unnaturally through sedation and then last night... Not only would such a prolonged sleep worry the hell out of all of them, his infections weren't the problem anymore.   
    Stark was hell bent on having Duo evaluated by their staff psychiatrist and refused to have his cuffs taken off until then if he or one of his nurses weren't present. He had hoped that Duo would wake up during one of those moments, so they could just explain the situation to Duo, but they were never that lucky.  
    Duo awoke for real this time, just a couple of hours after his mother had finally returned from making a call to her second in command. He had just looked confused and a little bit scared at first, unable to remember where he was or why. Once he had sleepily realized that he couldn't move his wrists, however, duo had quickly become wide awake. Heero had been expecting the impending panic attack, but then Duo's eyes had found his and he had settled. It had made Heero's heart race and his stomach churn, how easily his mere presence could soothe his friend's fears. The responsibility Duo unknowingly placed on his shoulders time and time again nearly made him shudder with fears of failure.   
    He had tried his hardest to explain everything to the longhaired boy. What he had seen during the night, the damage he had done to himself in a strange trance. He had also told Duo about him calling Stark, making damned certain that his friend knew that it was Heero's fault, he was restrained now, despite his mother's sharp looks of caution.  
    He had expected Duo to get angry at him, even if he still couldn't say it out loud. But after Heero had clarified everything to him, Duo had just smiled at him, as though he were thanking him for making that decision. Heero would have been happy to have Duo mad at him, because he was furious with himself. Duo's half hearted, but genuine smile made that feeling of kicking puppies return at full force. No, it was worse than kicking puppies. Calling Stark and knowing what would happen, then having Duo smile at him like that made him feel like he had stuffed some defenseless, mewing kittens into a sack and threw them into a river.  
    Heero sat in his chair numbly as Stark stood on the other side of Duo's hospital bed and explained to him what was going to happen to him now. Quatre and Trowa had come back from their rest, but the doctor was refusing to let anyone visit Duo except for Name and Heero. The Japanese teenager felt like his life had been spinning more and more out of control ever since he had gotten Trowa's phone call in London.  
    "You're responding well to the antibiotics," Stark intoned, splitting his attention between Duo and studying his chart, "Your fever has gone down a bit since last night and the various infections are much improved. Your cognition tests are average, so I don't believe your concussion caused any permanent damage. how is your throat feeling?" the doctor managed to ask with a tone of complete disinterest.  
    Stark had unbuckled Duo's straps while he was there, allowing the boy to continue to use the notepad to communicate.  
    'Feels better,' he wrote, 'Don't feel as sick. Back and head still hurt, but not as badly.'  
    Stark nodded in approval.  
    "Normally, I would be confident enough to release you in the morning tomorrow, you would just need to continue to take the antibiotics and vitamins orally for another week. However, your current... mental state has complicated things."  
    Duo shifted uncomfortably, looking away to the corner of the room. Heero didn't need that stupid notebook to know what he was thinking and feeling right then. He was thinking that this was all of his fault, that because of his psychological state, he was forcing them to stay here longer than they needed to be, and it was making him feel guilty. It drove Heero nuts. He wished that he could have a moment alone with Duo to get rid of those fears.   
    "As long as you remain a danger to yourself, I cannot release you," Stark told Duo, writing something down on his own notepad, "If I discharged you and you continued to seriously harm yourself, this hospital could be held responsible. Your IVs will be taken out tomorrow morning. I'm scheduling you for a psychological evaluation with our on-staff psychiatrist an hour after that. You'll be released only if she okays it."  
    The doctor's words were cold and clinical, devoid of any real emotion, but Duo still felt like the man was rubbing all of this in his face. He felt like he had when he had plotted to escape from that closet, only to have Wes try to restrain him again. The worst was that there was nothing he could do about it. In twenty four hours, he would either be allowed to go back home or he wouldn't. What could he _possibly_ do in that time to stop it? He had tried so hard to speak, but every time he did, it was like someone had severed his vocal cords. And how could he stop hurting himself in his sleep when he wasn't even aware that he was doing it or why? He just couldn't see what a shrink would do for him, either. The thought of trying to communicate his problems to a total stranger who had that kind of power over him, just with a pen and paper, made him sick to his stomach.      
    Stark had already told Heero and Name about all of this earlier, so Heero studied his friend as the doctor broke all of this news to him. The sometimes subtle, and sometimes dramatic changes in Duo's expression told him all of the things that the boy couldn't say. And even more importantly, it told him all of the things that Duo, whether he could speak or not, _wouldn't_ say. Fear, shock, shame, bitterness, sadness, frustration... raw emotions that painted the picture for Heero very clearly.  
    Seeing those things there on that pale face only made Heero more terrified for his best friend's mental state. Whatever had happened when Duo had been abducted, he was blaming himself for. Maybe that seemed like it was nothing different than now he had blamed himself for being raped and abused for all of those years, but it was. This was so much worse. It was insidious; deep, dark, and violent. The blame that Duo was placing on himself was fueled by anger and hatred at himself, and Heero believed it was the reason for his self abuse. It frightened him, how twisted up Duo's feelings and guilt were. How could he make him understand that there was no reason for that guilty when he didn't know what had happened?  
    He felt like he had when his father had died, that feeling of someone he loved just... slipping through his fingers, like there was something he needed to do to save them, but knew he was just going to fail them. He was scared that he was losing Duo to whatever it was that was tormenting him.  
    "I need to speak to you," Name said tersely to Stark, in that tone of hers that clearly said that disobeying her was _not_ an answer.  
    Stark followed her out into the hall, closing the door behind him. Duo watched her go anxiously, as though he were scared to be apart from her, like a baby duck. That alone told Heero how off balance and vulnerable he was feeling. Heero reached out and took Duo's hand in his, trying to be reassuring, even though he didn't have the slightest clue what to say. Duo tried to smile, but his eyes remained dark and turbulent, clouded with deep anxieties. It devastated his friend.  
  
*****  
  
    "I just want it to be clear that I don't approve _any_ of this," Name said sharply while trying to keep her voice down so her children couldn't hear.  
    "Duly noted," Stark said dryly and seemed to be fighting off a superior smirk.  
    "Duo is traumatized by whatever happened to him, and your solution is to sedate him and keep him tied down, which is just making his emotional state _worse_. What exactly are you going to do if the psychiatrist doesn't ok his release tomorrow? Keep him here indefinitely?"  
    Stark crossed his arms over his chest defensively, hating how she always seemed to sound like she was scolding a small child when she talked to him  
    "No. Once he's healed enough physically to be safely discharged, he will be out of my hands. If he is found to be a serious threat to himself, which, quite frankly, I think will be the result after the damage he did this morning, he will be admitted to our psychiatric ward to be treated there," he narrowed his flat eyes at her, "This isn't some kind of... personal vendetta I have against you. Once Duo's IVs are taken out tomorrow and I give him his prescriptions, he is officially out of my hands. How long it takes him to be released from psychiatric care is entirely up to Duo, so don't take that tone with me. He did this to himself."  
    Name glared back at him, her fire meeting his ice head on, but she knew he was right. She was well aware of how much she pissed him off, but she didn't think he had it in him to do something like this out of spite. She was an excellent judge of character and knew that, as cold and petty as Stark came across, he, and all men like him, were at their very core cowards. Stark took his job very seriously because it had made him king of this castle that was this hospital, which was why Mrs. Chang's position here rubbed him the wrong way. It didn't bother him to start a fight with someone he perceived as small, like Lian or Duo, but Name was kind of a much larger castle, so anything he did, he would make sure it was far out of her view. He was too pompous and self-important to risk losing his sacred position.  
    And Duo's problems were very real. In a way, there was absolutely nothing wrong with Stark's actions. Her charge was hurting himself while in some sort trance or short fugue state. Taking him out of this hospital was not going to cure the underlying cause or the symptoms. What if it got worse and he either hurt himself much more seriously or did not snap out of the trance next time? There was no way they could cope with that. She loved Duo with every inch of her soul, enough to admit that she was not equipped to help through a mental break like this and if she tried, she might do him a great deal of damage. She couldn't risk that.  
    Quite possibly the best thing for him right now was to get looked at by a professional. This wasn't the 1960's or some overly dramatic film. They weren't going to whisk Duo away to some dark room where they would never see him again. They would know a lot more about Duo's condition than she did, but she still felt this pit in her stomach. It might be the best thing for him right now, but she didn't like _how_ it was being decided. She didn't like seeing Duo restrained and she didn't like that Stark hadn't made any of these choices without even talking with her first.  
    If she thought that throwing the traumatized boy at a psychiatrist would solve his problems, she would have done it when he had started to live with them. Since that defining when Duo had told them about his dark past and present, she had done research on post traumatic stress disorder and what victims of rape went through, tackling Duo's issues like she typically did any problem, so she fully understood that there would be things that no amount of therapy, and no amount of love would ever fix. That was the true evil of rape and abuse. Once it was done, it could never be taken back, never fully healed. There was no true justice for the victims, all you could do was bandage the wounds that _could_ scar over.  
    Duo's issues, in a way, were no different than someone who had alcoholism or some other addiction. You couldn't force a person to seek help if they weren't ready for it. If they didn't consent, they were just going to return to all of those habits and behaviors once they could. Name had wanted to gradually get Duo to become more and more comfortable with opening up his darkest secrets to people, to being honest with his memories and feelings until he was ready to talk to an initial stranger about them. Now that coaxing was being taken out of her hands, she hoped that if he failed his psych exam tomorrow, the therapy the hospital was going to provide would help him, but she didn't fully believe that it would. If Duo was keeping what Wes had done to him a secret from _them_ , she just couldn't see him confessing any of it to a shrink that he was being forced to talk to.  
    Heero suddenly walked out into the hallway and Name worried that they had been arguing loud enough to hear, but if he had, he seemed unconcerned with it.   
    "I need to ask you for a favor," Heero said to Stark, clearly grudging to have to ask him for anything and ready for a fight.  
    Stark gestured for him to continue, still looking agitated from his fight with Name.  
    "I want to wash Duo's hair. He'll never admit to it, but he doesn't like it loose and I think how dirty it is is starting to bother him," he didn't mention about how filthy his hair had been when they had first met and how happy his friend had been when they had allowed him to shower during sleepovers, so he was a bit touchy about it, "but I can't do it when he's strapped down. I don't want you or any nurse to just be... standing around watching. I need for you to keep him unrestrained, just until I'm done."  
    "That's out of the question," Stark snapped, "One of the nurses can do it when it's time for him to be cleaned up-"  
    "He hates it when strangers touch his hair. There is no reason for him to be restrained for something like that. As far as you know, he's only tried to hurt himself in his sleep, right? Besides, I won't let him out of my sight for a second. If he starts to act weird, I can just restrain him again," Heero growled back at him.  
    Stark gritted his teeth. It would give him great pleasure to tell the brat no. Of course his argument was completely logical, but he would never admit that to him. He just wanted to see the Japanese teenager disappointed, to re-assert his control over this situation, but one look at the boy's mother told him that she would fight him on this, as petty as it was, and fight him hard.  
    "Fine," he snarled, "but when I come back, he had better be strapped down again."  
    The doctor walked off without waiting for confirmation. Heero shot his mother a suffering look, winning a smirk and snort of amusement from her before the two of them went back inside the hospital room. Duo looked utterly relieved to see them, even though neither of them had been gone that long. Heero tried to decipher what he was thinking again, but this time couldn't. During his other lengthy hospital stay, the American had been perpetually frightened whenever Heero or Name hadn't been there, terrified that the only people who cared enough to try to take care of him when he was so terribly sick and injured were just going to disappear and abandon him, like everything else good in his life. Heero didn't want to assume that that was the source of his friend's relief now. He knew that Duo no longer believed they would leave him at the soonest sight of trouble, but that fear might be too deeply ingrained in him, visible again now that he was feeling vulnerable and dependant.   
    His friend glanced at the door again in nervousness, only to look more relieved when Stark didn't come in with them. He knew that when he did, or one of his nurses, he was going to be restrained again. He didn't know how to feel about it, being strapped down. It was strange, the prospect of being unable to move his arms should be sending him into deep panic attacks, bit it wasn't. He had been terrified at first, waking up like that, but once he had realized that Name and Heero had been with him, he had felt at ease, _safe_ , knowing that they would never let anything bad happen to him that they could prevent, which was good enough for him. and being unable to move, to defend himself, did scare some animal instinctual part of himself, but his fear was sane and controllable. He had never experienced something like this before.  
    In a way, being strapped down was a relief. The pain in his leg... the pain that _he_ had caused himself, was much more frightening than being bound. Was it because this... insanity of his, this self-abuse was another form of restraint, like being on KL6, unable to control his own actions? Was it because he was so used to being tied down, but the self abuse was something new? Or, and he so deeply hoped that this was the case, Wes' death was finally seeping through the walls of denial he had erected in his head, not to torture him and make him guilty, but to lessen the fear that had been a part of his life for far too long? Was he less afraid of being restrained because his subconscious understood that the monster could no longer hurt him, strapped down or not? That anything else that could possibly harm him was tiny in comparison? That the only thing left for him to be truly scared of was his own self? If that was true, then being restrained _was_ a relief, because it meant he couldn't hurt himself. But that didn't mean he had to like it.  
    "I convinced Doctor Stark to not put the straps back on," Heero told him, "At least not until I can get your hair clean."  
    Duo's violet eyes widened in shock at that information. Heero was going to wash his hair? It sent a thrill shooting through him. It excited him on some level he didn't fully understand, and it soothed him. Those rare times when he had been out of his head with panic or very sick, Heero washing his hair had always been a balm to his soul. He picked up the notebook, but Heero interrupted him before he could write anything.  
    "Don't tell me that I don't need to do it," his best friend said sternly, but kindly, "I know how much it's been bothering you, not just how dirty it is, but having it down like this."  
    Duo blushed darkly. He had been trying to ignore how weird it felt, having his hair loose instead of in its brain in front of everyone.  
    "It's been a very long time since you're been denied a shower," Heero said softly, not noticing how pained his mother looked, or how sad at the memory of those first few times she had met the boy, how quiet and frightened he had been, like a mouse, his torn dirty clothes and ratty hair, "and I know how much you hate being reminded of how you used to live. You don't need to feel embarrassed, it's a good thing. Being able to take a bath or shower shouldn't be some privilege that you're granted for... good behavior," Heero tried to keep the anger out of his tone, but some bled through.  
    Duo gave him a soft stare, losing some of the red in his complexion, and wrote in the notebook.  
    'Thank you, Heero.'  
    Heero smiled down at him and placed his hand briefly on his shoulder.  
    "You don't ever have to thank me for trying to make you feel more comfortable, Duo," he said softly.  
    'I don't need to,' Duo scribbled after thinking for a minute, 'I want to. It's a little thing. But you noticed it's important to me. I just want you to know how much I appreciate it, and how happy it makes me. I don't know what I would do without you. I'm so, so sorry for what I did. I didn't mean to scare you or to cause you all of this stress. I mean it, I'm very sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me.'  
    He felt thoroughly embarrassed, writing down those things, even though they were completely honest. Oddly, it was easier telling Heero these things this way than if he had tried to speak them. He didn't stammer or stutter trying to get them out of his mouth, and he didn't have to hear his own voice, how unsure he was.   
    "Duo," Heero murmured, greatly affected by his words, not knowing if he was sad because Duo felt that guilt, or happy knowing that this small gesture of love and comfort meant that much to him. He turned to Name, "Mom, can you get Duo's hairbrush, hair tie, and shampoo from Quatre?"  
    "Of course," she said warmly and closed the door as she left, giving them some privacy.  
    Heero sat down in his chair.  
    "Duo..." he started, then sighed, unsure of what to say, "You're my best friend, I'm happy to do things for you. You know that Mom and I aren't upset at you about any of this. It isn't your fault, not that you got kidnapped, not that you got sick, and not now that you're having mental problems. Yes, I am scared, but that's only because I care about you so much. This must be scaring you, too. I wish that you would tell us what happened so we can help you, but I understand if you don't want to. We just want to help you get better. Don't worry about us. Just know that even if things go badly tomorrow, we're here for you, always."  
    He thought that Duo might cry for a moment, and his hand clenched the pen, but he didn't write anything, struggling to control his emotions. Duo reached over and touched Heero's hand, taking the initiative this time.  
      
    'And even for just one _second_ , you wanted to give this up, this warmth and this love, for Wes?' the cruel voice chimed in, sounding bitter and snide.  
  
    They didn't speak to each other for some time, not really needing to, and simply enjoyed the rare moment of calm between the two of them before Name returned with what Heero had asked for, including a towel.   
    "Do you need anything else?" she asked Heero, who shook his head.  
    "Thanks, Mom."  
    "I'm going to sit with Quatre and Trowa, I'll be back in a bit," she turned her attention to Duo, "Do you mind if they visit when Heero's done with your hair?"  
    Duo shook his head. Name bent down and kissed the top of his head. The motherly gesture made his lips quirk into a soft, happy smile without him realizing it and it vanished just as quickly when she left.  
    "Does you back hurt when you sit up still?" Heero asked him, trying to think of the best way to do this without causing him any pain.  
    'Not much. Mostly stiff,' Duo wrote and proved it by sitting up straight.  
    True to his words, the longhaired boy moved slowly and awkwardly, but didn't wince. It was good enough for Heero. In the back of his mind, he wondered again what sort of circumstances could have caused an injury like that. It couldn't have been anything terribly serious if his back muscles were already healing, but he still puzzled over it.  
    Heero filled the basin on his bedside table with hot water from the nearby sink and grabbed a washcloth from the bathroom. He gestured for Duo to move up the bed a little and sat right behind him, his bent legs on either side of Duo's body. For Heero, it was a very intimate position, hinting at something he couldn't look at. It made his heart ache, feeling cold, hot, empty, and filled with longing and passion all at once. The swirl of emotions hurt him and he felt a need to touch the slim back or hips so close to him so powerful that he actually shook with it.  
    It wasn't the first time he had felt those desires, and it wasn't going to be the last. He had spent all of their friendship quelling his urges, both intimate and sexual, but lately it was becoming more and more difficult for him to do so. Those needs and dreams of his were becoming stronger. He hadn't thought it at all possible, but his love for his best friend was growing instead of dimming, the desires not being tossed away when he denied them, but just festering away in his heart.   
    Maybe it had been easier before because he hadn't known him as well, and these months living together Heero had seen more and more parts of Duo to fall in love with. Maybe it was because he had been sick and weak for so long, reminding Heero too much of a vulnerable child in, not only his physical sickness, but his emotional trauma. And lately, Duo was getting stronger, more confident. Even with Wes' return into his life, he hadn't fully slid back into that scared child. Maybe he was seeing that, and all the reasons why he had denied his feelings; not wanting to terrify Duo and take a huge support away from him, instinctually knowing that Duo was just not in the right mental state to even _hear_ a declaration of love, to understand such a decision about it, were weakening.  
    But they were still there, those reasons. From the moment that he had realized that his lust for the violet eyed boy was because of a much deeper, more potent emotion, he had wondered what he should do. He ran all these different scenarios in his head, how Duo would react if he told him. Most of them weren't pretty. If Duo were just some normal teenaged boy he had met in one of his classes, the usual problems would still exist. Did Duo like boys? Did Duo like _him_? If he told him, and Duo didn't would they be able to maintain their friendship? If he did, would they be able to handle having an openly homosexual relationship? How would his own mother react to such news, when he knew how much she would love the idea of grandchildren, and the kind of scandal it would cause?  
    But Duo _wasn't_ just a normal classmate, and his problems only made his ability to make a choice all the more twisted. It was so hard for his friend sometimes, just being around people, forcing himself to be social and act normal. There were times when he just wanted to hide away from everything. He didn't trust people very well, and he reacted to physical touch like he had just been hit by a hot poker. He was getting a lot better at it, but Heero still saw that fear in his eyes.  
    How could he possibly react to a romantic relationship? Emotionally, he was still a wreck, and Heero was terrified that if he told him his feelings, Duo would feel obliged to start a relationship with him solely based on their friendship and everything that he had given him. A relationship... a real, long term one, had to be one based on honesty, trust, and confidence. Heero didn't believe that Duo was ready for any of that. He was still healing from the damage Wes had done to him, to expecting to be hurt.  
    And how would he handle an _intimate_ relationship? Not sex, Heero didn't even think Duo was _capable_ of dealing with a consensually sexual relationship right now. His ideas about sex were just too twisted up, and he didn't see himself as a sexual being beyond prostitution. If Heero told him that he was sexually attracted to him, it would probably disturb him a great deal. Duo had had sex with hundreds of men, but he had absolutely no confidence in his looks or sex appeal. A part of him believed that it might do his friend some good, knowing that there was someone safe, someone he cared about, who found him beautiful. But the rest of him knew that it could also be damaging.  
    Not sex, but just intimacy... kissing, holding hands... how would his best friend react to those things? How could he handle them? no matter how hard he tried, how much he wanted to, he would never truly, fully understand what Duo had gone through, so how could he know the right thing to do? He had believed that he would be content to bury these feelings deep inside, just as long as Duo was near him as his friend. But lately, that had seemed like an impossible thing to do.  
    Heero focused on his task, trying not to think of how good it felt to have Duo sitting between his legs like this. He wasn't really worried about getting the hospital gown wet, as he was sure a nurse would be by to give him a sponge bath soon. That was something that was irritating him, and he was sure it embarrassed Duo. He was well enough to take a shower, but Stark had insisted on a sponge bath for the duration of his stay here. He understood the logic of it, that it was just too much of a hassle to supervise him, but it still irked him.   
    He soaked up some of the hot water with the wash cloth and dripped it on Duo's hair. The violet eyed boy shivered a little, but didn't protest it. Heero repeated the movement over and over until the longhaired was wet enough for him. The dark haired boy winced as he got a good look at Duo's hair, which was greasy and badly tangled in some places. He was glad that he was the one doing this and not some nurse that would rush through it. He was sure that Duo was anxious to go home and take a shower after his ordeal, and it pained Heero that he couldn't provide that for him.   
    What would happen if Duo didn't pass his psychological exam tomorrow and was admitted to psychiatrics? Would they keep him tied down like Stark was doing, with some ignorant hope that that was doing him any good? Would they let him take a shower and give him something to do besides try to get him to confess to why he was hurting himself? How long would they keep him there, and would they be allowed to see him?  
    Heero put the shampoo in Duo's hair, being very thorough before he washed it out with more water. Duo seemed to be enjoying the attention, his muscles relaxing as his friend massaged his scalp. Among all of the other aches and pains, all his worrying and fears, Duo hadn't realized how much his aching scalp and tangled hair had been bothering him until Heero had started to make it feel better. The blue-eyed boy quickly realized, even before he even started to tackle the problem, that combing Duo's hair was going to be a challenge simply because, unless he wrote it down on the notepad, Heero wouldn't know if he was hurting him. Duo couldn't even make a noise to indicate pain.  
    Sure enough, as Heero swept Duo's comb through his long fall of auburn hair, he hit a snag. The American gave no indication that it hurt other than a very slight flinch of his shoulders. It was still better than hurting the boy and not knowing it. Heero used his slight body language and the muscles in his back that he could see to gauge whether he was hurting him or not. He combed the long hair very slowly and carefully, at first just to get all of the snarls out and make sure that it would braid neatly, but after awhile Duo stopped flinching from the slight snags and began to relax, finding comfort in the combing. HE could feel Heero's fingers brush against his back every now and then, making him shiver. But they were good shivers. IT was good to feel the touch of another person like that, especially Heero's touch, after spending all that time wafting between Wes' confusing hands and almost total sensory deprivation. The Japanese boy continued to comb his hair after all of the snarls were worked out, the two of them enjoying the quiet and soothing motions. It almost felt to the both of them like they were home and all the things they had just been worrying about were ghosts and vapors.  
    "All done," Heero said eventually as he became aware that Stark would be back soon.  
    Duo shifted forward to give him room to get up, but Heero kept him where he was with a tug on the back of his gown.  
    "Hold on," he chuckled, "I still have to braid it."  
    Duo blushed a little, but eased back into his original position. He shivered again as Heero gathered his hair and started to braid it, and his knuckles brushed against the back of his neck. The sight of deep, black bruises on that slender neck made Heero wince, the very defined and obvious shape of fingers, and the force that they must have used to leave those marks there. HE got to the end of his hair and dug a ribbon out of his pocket. Duo saw in complete shock that it was Yuki's, the same ribbon that he had stashed instinctually in his pocket in his mad rush out of the apartment. The same ribbon that, when he had woken up in the hospital gown, he had assumed had been thrown away.  
    "Mom told Stark to give us the clothes you were wearing when you were admitted," Heero explained when he saw how startled his friend was, "Your clothes... they were ruined, we had to throw them out, I'm sorry. But this ribbon was fine once we cleaned it. I don't know what it means, but you've been wearing it every day for months, so I figured it was something important to you. Even if it wasn't, it's your property, I would never let them throw it away when it could be salvaged."  
    Duo grabbed Heero's wrist, his eyes wide and intense, wet with overwhelmed tears.  
    "You're welcome," Heero said softly.  
    His longhaired friend wrapped his arms around him, ignoring the way his back ached and throbbed from twisting around, and hugged Heero tightly. He cried harshly into Heero's shirt, overwhelmed to have the only thing he had from Yuki left, and love for Heero, that he would notice how important it was and try to save it for him. Heero could only tell that he was crying badly from how his shoulders were violently trembling and the wetness on his shirt. He hugged the other boy tightly and rubbed his back.   
    "Duo," he murmured, "It's ok."  
    The brunette lifted his head off of Heero's chest and he rummaged through the bed sheets for his notepad and pen, careful not to snag his IV lines which were already tight from his twisting around. He felt rushed, wanting to write down the words in his head before he lost his courage, as he so often did.   
    'If I got admitted to the psych ward tomorrow, and I have to be strapped down the whole time I'm there, as long as I can see you, I don't care,' he wrote, still in Heero's embrace and still crying soundlessly, his heart racing from the feelings behind those written words, feeling he would have been deprived of had he allowed Wes to talk him into staying with him. Feeling that made him fully realize just how stupid he had been, having those doubts, 'I'm just so happy to be back.'  
    Heero's heart skipped a beat, seeing those words, and the conviction in Duo's eyes. He pressed their foreheads together and felt his heart beat again, heavier and faster. His friend smelled good, like his own shampoo instead of the hospital's and his wet bangs were like silk. Their lips were so close, it made Heero feel hot all over his body. Duo's eyes slid closed, as though he wanted it to happen, although it was more likely that he just wasn't aware of what was happening. It would be easy, Heero realized, and if they had been just two normal boys, it would be natural. His heart thundered with the possibility of it, of what he might do, that small, infitessimal distance between their lips that normally seemed like a chasm to him.  
    Someone knocked on the door. Heero flinched and backed away from Duo as though the boy had just brutally slapped him, his eyes wide and his face pale. What had he almost done-  
    Duo's reaction was much less severe. He opened his eyes and looked at his friend with complete ignorance and innocence about the fact that Heero had just come very, very close to kissing him.  
    What the _hell_ had he been thinking, Heero asked himself. The longhaired boy's obliviousness sent shocks of guilt and horror through him. What was wrong with him? Why had this come over him so strongly when he knew better?   
    "C-come in," he rasped and was glad for the interruption, busying himself with tying the ribbon around Duo's hair.  
    "Well, don't you look nice and clean?" Name beamed at Duo when she walked in with Quatre and Trowa in tow.  
    Duo seemed like his usual self when he saw his mom and friends, smiling at them like nothing was wrong. Trowa saw the underlying tension behind that smile. His happiness was completely genuine, but his friend was trying very hard to keep all of his other emotions from rising to the surface. It wasn't going to work, and Trowa knew Duo well enough to know that he knew that, too. But trying to make him admit what was wrong wasn't going to work, they would all have to be patient.  
    "How are you feeling?" Quatre asked Duo as Heero got off the bed, taking the wet towel with him, and placing Duo's hair brush and shampoo on the bed side table.  
    'Better,' he wrote and then looked at Name questioningly.  
    "They know," Name told him softly, "I told them everything."  
    Duo's expression fell a little. He knew that his other friends would have found out about his... mental episode sooner or later, but it still made his stomach feel like a deep, empty pit.  
    "Hey," Trowa touched Duos shoulder, "Let us worry about that. Your only job is to relax. It's not going to do any good if you get sicker from stress."  
    Duo nodded a little bit hesitantly. Trowa picked up his notepad and flipped through it.  
    "There's not a whole lot of room left on this thing," he noted.  
    The chestnut haired boy blushed lightly and nodded, wondering if that nurse would let him have another one.  
    "See?" Quatre gloated to Trowa, who rolled his eyes at him.  
    The blonde dug around in the messenger bag he was carrying and brought out a rectangular device.  
    "Instead of that stupid notepad, you can use this," his Arabic friend handed Duo the device.  
    It was a handheld computer, about the size of a book, a flat screen with no keys or buttons and looked like spun glass, but was obviously sturdier. Duo recognized it and huffed, looking at Trowa to give him back the notepad. The Italian raised an eyebrow at him and didn't budge.   
    "You don't have to fuss with it," Quatre told him, ignorant to Duo's irritation, or he was just ignoring him, which was more likely, "I re-programmed it so you don't have to look for the document or keypad icons. Just tap the screen once and it will pull up the keyboard. You can type out whole paragraphs, just hit enter when you're done and it will display it on the screen. And if you get bored, I also downloaded some books and movies for you," he smiled, looking as sunny as his hair did.  
    Duo gave Trowa a glare at keeping the pad of paper from him, and tried out the computer, tapping the screen and typing out what he would have written on the paper with ease.  
    'This is yours, isn't it?'  
    He had recognized it as the computer Quatre used when he was chatting with Iria or keeping tabs on the local news where his father was.  
    "I would have bought you one, but there wasn't enough time," Quatre said sheepishly, "I would want you to pick one out yourself."  
    Duo shook his head incredulously. His fingers flew over the screen gracefully. As annoyed as he was that Quatre had done this, he was typing three times faster than he could ever hope to write, and he had to admit that this was much less frustrating than using pen and paper.  
    'You didn't need to do this. This is yours, I can't take it. I don’t' need something this expensive. Paper and pen is fine. And I'm sure the hospital has books.'  
    "Does your hand hurt?" Quatre asked him, crossing his arms over his chest in a very serious gesture.   
    Duo hesitated. It was true that his right hand did ache from writing on the pad, but that wasn't a big deal, it was mostly because his infections were giving him muscle aches, so his hand cramped very easily from holding the pen.  
    'Yes, a little,' he admitted.  
    "It isn't a big deal," Quatre said in a friendlier tone, "Yes, you can manage without it, and so can I. That isn't what this is about. You can't speak, and we don't know why. We don't know how to fix it or when you'll get your voice back. We also don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, how long they're going to force you to stay here. I know how you get when you have nothing to do, and how quickly you'll go through those cheap paperbacks. I also know how much writing the things you want to tell us down has been frustrating you. It's too slow and your brain is too fast. This will help," his aqua eyes became soft with some strong emotion; sadness, frustration, relief, affection, and desperation all rolled into one, "Please, Duo," he whispered, "Please let me do this for you."  
    Duo read in those clear eyes what Quatre really meant, 'I was so scared I would never see you again, I missed you so much.'  
    He remembered what Heero had told him once, that when Quatre bought him expensive things or bent over backwards to give him things, wasn't trying to get him to owe him things, or gloat that he had the money to buy stuff like that. It was his way of showing how much he loved him. It was the same way that his father showed his love and Quatre couldn't shake the habit. If he got worked up about it, or demanded that Quatre take it back, it would only hurt him.   
    He nodded.  
    'Thank you, Quatre.'  
    The short blonde looked so relieved, Duo knew that he had made the right choice, even if holding the piece of expensive technology still made him feel incredibly nervous.  
    "So, any grand escape plans for tomorrow?" Trowa asked him, only half joking, "Just say the word and we'll bust you out."  
    Duo laughed at the absurd image in his head of Trowa, Quatre, and Heero kidnapping him out of the hospital wearing ski masks. The sight of him laughing silently was chilling to the rest of them.  
    'Nah, I think I'll stick it out.'  
    "That's very brave of you," Name said softly.  
    Duo suddenly understood as he met her intense stare that the three of them had talked about this when Heero had been washing his hair. They were actually considering the possibility of breaking him out of the psych ward, if he wanted them to. It made him feel warm inside, realizing the extent they would go through for him.  
    A nurse bustled in, interrupting the suddenly very serious air of the room. Duo saw the implements she had with her and wished that he could groan. He _hated_ sponge baths. Yes, he hated being dirty and sick even more, but they were so humiliating. He was well enough to clean himself, and he hated feeling that apathetic. The nurse shot him a sympathetic look.  
    "We'll give you some privacy," Name said and ushered Quatre and Trowa back out.  
    "Do you mind if I help?" Heero asked the nurse, staying behind, "I've done it before."  
    "Sure," the nurse beamed at him.  
    'Heero,' Duo started to type on the pad, but Heero lightly grabbed his arm to stop him.  
    "Don't," he scolded, "It will go faster."  
    Duo sighed inaudibly and let Heero take the computer from him and place it on the table. He stayed still as the nurse took his damp gown from him. As Heero started to wash his back with an extra sponge, he flushed so red that his blue-eyed friend thought he might turn purple. Heero found it completely adorable and flushed a little himself at the sight of his friend's slender, bareback. He was extra careful as he washed over dark bruises, but they looked like they were fading. With Heero helping, the chore really did go faster, and Duo was relieved when the nurse helped him into a clean gown.  
    'When can I wear my own clothes?' he typed on the pad and showed it to her.  
    "As soon as Dr. Stark released you tomorrow morning," she smiled at him.  
    'Will I have to wear a gown if I get admitted to the psych ward.'  
    "No, you'll be allowed your own clothes. Our psychiatric ward is very lax with allowing patients personal items, as long as they can't hurt themselves, or others," she told him and when Duo had nothing more to ask, pushed her cart out of the room.  
    Duo frowned at her answer. As long as they can't hurt themselves or others... did that mean that the psychiatrist might decide he couldn't be allowed things like books or visits from his friends, or treat him like some crazy serial killer? Although, maybe it was warranted, he thought and felt his leg throb.  
    Name, Quatre, and Trowa came back shortly after the nurse left, making Duo wonder if they had just been camped out the door or something. Heero saw the strain in his friend's face and knew that he was worrying about tomorrow. his mother and two friends saw it, too, and they spoke to him about things that he wouldn't need to respond to, mundane things that Duo warmed up to, though Heero couldn't tell if he was really interested or desperate for a distraction.  
    Quatre and Trowa enlightened both Duo and Heero on their last days of school, staying far away from their anxiety and being handed hounded by Treize about Duo's vanishing act. Heero and Name told him about their trip to London, again steering clear from Trowa's phone call and their mad rush back to the states. Duo seemed particularly enthralled and engaged in what had happened between them, and Heero’s grandfather and uncle, and seemed very relieved when nothing bad had happened.  
    Stark came by shortly after to make sure that Duo was strapped down. Name hated it, since she didn’t plan on leaving him alone again, but knew that it was safer for him that way.  
    "I will be by at eight am tomorrow to take the last of your IV's out," Stark informed Duo, "the psychiatrist will be here at nine."  
    Duo nodded, his only way of communicating at that point, and the doctor left.  
    "Want to take a nap?" Name asked the boy softly and Duo nodded again.  
    He was feeling better, thanks to the medication and strong antibiotics, but he still got tired very easily and felt a bit winded.  
    "We'll head home then," Trowa said, "We need to feed the cats anyway."  
    Duo gave him a searching look and Trowa chuckled.  
    "They're fine, they just miss you."  
    The younger boy relaxed. He felt guilty that he hadn't been around to take care of them himself, and felt a pang to see them.  
    Quatre kissed him on the forehead while Trowa just touched his shoulder.  
    "We'll be back at seven tomorrow morning," the green eyed boy told him, "We'll both be there for you, no matter what happens."  
    Duo nodded, feeling his eyes tear up, both in sudden fear and relief. Trowa pretended he didn't see his unshed tears, and Duo was grateful.  
    They all settled once Quatre and Trowa left, the two of them watching over Duo a familiar thing for the three of them. Name dimmed the lights and sat back down with her ereader. Heero had a book of his own, a hard cover, one of Duo's since his friend liked the paper better. But he wasn’t really reading it. He was using it as a prop to hide the fact that he was watching Duo very closely. It didn't take long for the fifteen year old to fall asleep. His breathing evened out and his heart rate decreased to a steady sedate beat. Heero studied him, waiting for any changes. The last two times Duo had lashed out at himself, he hadn't been there, or he had been asleep. He needed to know.  
    An hour after Duo nodded off, Name put her book aside and closed her eyes for a nap, too, although the hair wasn't that comfortable. Every minute that passed without a change, Heero felt a surge of relief, wanting to believe that the worst was behind them, even if he knew better.  
    Three hours passed and Heero had put the book away, no longer needing the illusion. He had to struggle to not let himself drown in watching Duo's sleeping face. He never got to watch him like this, still and at peace, and it was incredibly hard not to indulge in it, or fall asleep from the silence. Heero snapped out of his almost doze by the sound of Duo's heart monitor, the escalating beats out of place in the quiet stillness. The sound didn't wake up his mother, and wasn't so fast that it was sending an alarm, but definitely faster than a heart at rest should be beating. Duo's whole body seemed to tense, his hands curling into fists.  
    Heero expected for him to have some sort of violent reaction, to thrash around and try to hurt himself again, but Duo did little more than squirm around uncomfortably in his restraints, struggle with some restless nightmare. Heero watched in alarm as tears tracked down his best friend's face. He got to his feet, ready to wake him up and soothe whatever terrible thing he was dreaming about, but Duo's lips moved and he stilled. Jus as always, the longhaired boy made no noise; but his lips continued to move saying something that Heero couldn't understand. He watched him for a minute before he realized that the younger boy was saying the same two words over and over.   
    'I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry...'  
  
*****  
  
    Heero was relieved to find that, despite all the movies and books depicting otherwise, the psychiatrist diagnosing Duo wasn't the clinical, off-putting ice queen that he had assumed she would be. She was middle aged, a little bit older than his mother, with short black hair that was just beginning to gray, and clear blue-grey eyes. The psychiatrist, Doctor Stephenson, was very blunt when she briefly spoke to Name and Heero, but also kind and understanding of all of their concerns. She didn't answer many of their questions, partially out of respect for Duo's privacy and partially because she didn't have any answers until she spoke to her patient. She more or less pushed them out of the hospital room so she could conduct her interview in private.  
    "I hate this," Heero muttered as the two of them stood in the hallway.  
    He was feeling helpless again, desperately looking for the right thing to do or say and failing. His mother squeezed his hand.  
    "It will be ok, Heero," Name assured him, "This is to help him, you know that."  
    "Then why do I feel like we're punishing him?"   
    Name went silent, because she wondered the same thing. The doctor didn't come back out for an hour, longer than they had thought it would take. They were close enough to the room, and Heero found the single sound of the doctor's voice carrying on the verbal half of the conversation to be unnerving. When she finally left the room, her face was pinched and strained.  
    "Mrs. Yuy, may I speak with you in private?"  
    "Of course," Name said and the two of them walked further down the hallway where Heero would be unable to hear them.  
    In the hospital room, Duo was sitting on the edge of the bed, fiddling with Quatre's handheld computer. Stark had unstrapped him when he had removed his IVs earlier, and he was dressed in his own clothes, which went a long way in making him look less vulnerable. They had let him dress himself, knowing how helpless he felt when he was in the hospital, and there really wasn't any reason to baby him. He looked so lonely sitting there by himself, that worn look on his face, so small and childlike. He looked up as Heero walked to him and gave him a wan, unhappy smile.      
    "How did it go?" Heero asked him. Duo typed.  
    'Bad.'  
    The Japanese boy winced, well aware of what that meant.  
    'I'm going to lose him-'  
    He promptly squashed that terrified voice. He _wasn't_ losing Duo. He was just very sick, and in order to get help, he couldn’t go home with them. Heero looked at his best friend as though he was never going to see them again. He looked so pale still, his violet eyes looking down, distracted with deep thoughts. The longhaired boy was trying very hard to keep it together, and Heero admired his strength, but he could see his underlying fear and uncertainty. He realized how selfish he was being, worried about what the following days were going to be like. Getting through summer vacation without seeing Duo, without being able to talk to him, to hear the sound of his voice or see those pretty violet eyes looking up at him. But this was happening to Duo, not him. While he had to go through his days without his best friend, Duo was going to be locked up in this place, not at home with them. His own fears didn't matter.  
    Heero reached over and took Duo’s and in his, incredibly happy to do so now that the long haired boy wasn't restrained or lying in a hospitable bed. Duo's hand felt warmer than it had before. Duo looked up at him, his eyes wide and nervous, but the raw fear and almost animalistic look was gone from them. now that he wasn't in the hospital as a patient, the straps and IV lines long gone, and wearing his normal clothing he looked a lot stronger and seemed to have found some sort of footing. Even though all of the pain and hardships that Duo had faced, he still had that beautiful, inner strength and perseverance that he had no concept of possessing and had drawn Heero to him. Heero suddenly had a very strong belief and faith that his best friend would get through this, just like everything else.   
    "It will be ok," he tried to assure Duo, "We'll be here for you, no matter what, you know that. You only have to tell her or do the things you're comfortable with. Don't push yourself just to try to get out of here faster. You know that isn't what this is about."  
    Duo nodded. He knew that this wasn't like being locked up in the closet. It wasn't about trying to get out. This was for his benefit, he was supposed to use this time to get better while being in an environment where he couldn't hurt himself anymore. Name and Heero weren't abandoning him in some pound like how he had feared during his first hospital visit with them. They would be there, waiting for him when he got out. They would wait, because they loved him, and wasn't that a lovely, if strange feeling. But could he really get better from this? He kept waiting for his sanity to snap, to finally hit that wall he had been getting dangerously closer and closer to all of these years. To finally hit the point of no return. He almost had when Wes had chained him up to his bed, but Heero and Name had saved his life, right when it had really mattered. But cold he come back from this? could he find the ability to speak or stop hurting himself when he was too terrified to look at the reasons why his mind had cracked?  
    He squeezed Heero's hand back.  
    'I'll try,' he typed.  
    It was the most that he could promise without lying.  
  
*****  
  
    Name found Dr. Stephenson's straightforward and blunt manner to be very refreshing, and welcome given the circumstances. She was honest, not avoiding any answers that Name might not want to hear while lacking the rudeness that Stark always had.  
    "Duo is a very bright boy. I didn't get to speak with him for as long as I would have liked to, but I could tell that he loves you and your family very much," Stephenson summed up her meeting with Name's charge, "Can you tell me a little bit about how he became a part of your lives?"  
    "Does your patient-doctor confidentiality policies extend to this?" Name asked defensively.  
    "My sole agenda is whatever is in Duo's best interests," the therapist told her, "as long as whatever you have to tell me does not violate that, I will hold it in confidence."  
    "My son befriended Duo shortly after we moved here this fall," Name confessed, "A few months later, shortly after their winter break, Duo was admitted to this hospital with severe injuries and evidence of neglect. The man that had raised him had been physically and sexually abusing him. He never came for him while he was here and Duo has no family, so I acted as his guardian so he could receive proper medical treatment. He went through a lot of hardships because of what that man did to him and it didn't feel right to me to just hand him over to child's services, so I brought him home with us. He's been a part of our family ever since."  
    As Name talked, Stephenson jotted down notes in Duo's file.  
    "That's very noble of you," she said when the other woman was done speaking, "I'm sure those actions went a long way in helping heal from those abuses and gain some confidence. From what I've seen, his placement with you seems to be a very good fit. Normally, I would be very happy to let him go home with you and schedule home visits for his therapy or have him meet me at my office. But in these circumstances..."  
    "The self-injury," Name sighed.  
    "Actually, what concerns me the most is his level of stress and acute muteness," the psychiatrist said, her brow furrowed, Name greatly surprised at the confession, "His tendency to injure himself when unconscious _is_ alarming, but its actually very common for children around Duo's age to turn to self mutilation or hitting when faced with a great measure of guilt or trauma."  
    "You think that Duo feels guilty about something, that that's the reason he keeps hurting himself."  
    "Duo looks up to you," Stephenson pointed out, "He wants to make you proud, that much is obvious, and it isn't a rare thing among children who have been abused. I think he's trying to hide something from you, something that he believes will make you ashamed of him. His muteness is a recent problem, so I think it must involve something that happened during his kidnapping. He wants to tell you very badly, but is scared. I think that his muteness and self-injury both stem from this guilt he's harboring. Whatever it is, it was so strong, so traumatic that he can't speak, it's actually affecting him physically and not just psychologically. He doesn't even have any control over it. That is much more disturbing than his nightly attacks. I don't think that it's just going to go away with time. And I think that send him home is only going to be more damaging to him."  
    "What does that mean?" Name asked, bewildered.  
    "I'm sure you've realized it yourself. Like I said, Duo wants you to be proud of him. He doesn't want any of you to be worried or hurt by what happened. He's trying so hard to pretend that things are ok, he's being hypersensitive to you and Heero and ignored his own problems. It's spreading him thin and making even more anxious, possibly because of his fear of you finding out his secret."  
    "Are you saying that you want to isolate Duo from us?" the Japanese woman asked, unable to keep the fear out of her tone, fear of not being allowed to see her child, and fear of all the stress Duo was in.  
    "No, of course not," the doctor soothed, "Total separation from his family is not the answer either. You and your son are obviously a pillar of strength for Duo. It would be careless, and dangerous, of me to take that pillar away entirely. Your presence would greatly help him remember _why_ he wants to get better. Without it, he wouldn't try so hard or, worst case scenario, he might stop trying altogether. I am merely suggesting that his time here could be a very good thing for Duo, a neutral place for him to have peace and quiet, away from outside forces that might cause him more stress. You, your son, and any of Duos friends that he wants to visit him can, I just can't allow anyone to stay by him like you have been. Even if it scares Duo to be a part from you, it will be beneficial to him to stand by himself."  
    "Doctor, with all due respect, I'm sure that Doctor Stark informed you about Duo's fears concerning being restrained and trapped. I have a hard time considering him being locked up in a mental institution to be a good thing for him, or a place to help relieve his stress," Name said, trying her hardest not to sound condescending.  
    Stephenson chuckled.  
    "Yes, Stark did inform me that Duo has some pretty extreme panic attacks if he thinks he is locked up or tied down. But the facility that this hospital runs is not like the zoos you would see in movies or television. The ward that Duo will be transferred to has little in the way of locked doors or bars. We won't be shoving medication down his throat or forcing him into some sort of solitary confinement. Duo will be allowed to go anywhere in the ward that he wishes and the only time his door will be mandatory locked is at night, but that is only because of his recent sleeping behavior."  
    "I'm confused," Name confessed, "You said that you decided that Duo is a threat to himself."  
    "He _is_ ," Stephenson confirmed, "Which is why our staff will be monitoring him closely in case he tries to harm himself during the daytime, at least until we are sure we can better predict these... fits of his. But so far as Stark could tell me, Duo only manifests this tendency towards self-harm when he is unconscious. I'm not concerned that he will hurt himself constantly like some of my other patients do. He isn't a danger to others, so there is no reason for me to restrict his movements. I want to give him as many freedoms as I can."  
    "I appreciate that," Name said, "Will we be able to leave some books and other personal things for him, then?"  
    Stephenson nodded.  
    "I'll give you a list of pre-approved items. There are of course some things he won't be allowed because of policy, but as long as it isn't something that he or another patient can use to hurt themselves, I have no problems bending the rules. On that note, is that handheld computer the only method that Duo has to communicate?"  
    "Yes," Name informed her, "We tried paper and pen before, but it was very frustrating for him. His muscles are still hurting him and his mind is a lot faster than his writing hand. He learned how to write later than most children, so he struggles with it sometimes."  
    She didn't like revealing such personal details about Duo's sordid childhood to the doctor, but she had to make her understand the consequences if she denied Duo that vital tool to help him communicate.  
    "Usually, we wouldn't allow something like that into the ward. On the surface, it isn't that dangerous, but it would be far too easy for another patient to break it and use one of the shards as a weapon, or it would probably be stolen given how high priced electrical devices aren't allowed. But I agree that it is much more convenient and less stressful for Duo than using a pad of paper. The bottom line," Stephenson said very seriously, "is that I cannot treat Duo if he can't communicate with me. I'll allow him to have it with him, but if it causes any trouble, I will have to confiscate it."  
    Name breathed in relief.  
    "I understand," she agreed, just happy to have won that one concession.  
    "Do you have any other questions for me? Otherwise, I just have a couple of forms for you to sign, then I can have Duo transferred."  
    "Just one," Name said gravely, "I need to know how secure your ward is."  
    "Secure?" Stephenson asked, confused.  
    "Yes. I never mentioned it to Stark, but that is only because I felt that Duo's... guardian would not try anything if I was supervising him personally. If Duo is going to be separated from me, regardless if you are supervising him and this is a hospital, I need to know if you are capable of protecting him if that man shows up for him again."  
    "You really think that his abuser will risk getting caught by trying to kidnap him from a facility like this one?" Stephenson asked and Name was relieved that she sounded more alarmed and scared than incredulous and confused, she might actually take this seriously, "We aren't a fortress, but there are security cameras and panic buttons in every room. You would have to be crazy to try to kidnap one of our patients."  
    "On a school trip with a bunch of their friends, Duo and Heero were abducted by one of that man's... _associates_ and left for dead. This summer, Duo's ex-guardian attacked him at his job and shot him in the shoulder in front of his friends _just to prove a point_. And this last time, he kidnapped Duo from a public street in broad daylight. Crazy doesn't begin to cover it. This man is armed, more stubborn than a mule, and a clinical sociopath. Duo somehow got away from him, and I have no reason to believe that he isn't going to try to kidnap him again."  
    It could have been the lighting, but Stephenson looked pale.   
    "This is just a small institution," the doctor said in a very subdued, somber tone, "and there generally isn't a large need for security measures at mental health institutions, since we do not take in high risk patients; murderers or serial criminals. But the ward is exclusively a children's ward, there is no one housed there over the age of sixteen. Most of our patients come from broken homes and are victims of abuse, or have severe emotional issues that makes it necessary for us to deny visitations from parents or other family members. But many of these parents think that it is within their rights to show up out of the blue and try to see or discharge their child, so it has become necessary for us to install security measures for our patients' physical and mental health. In order to enter the ward, you have to pass by the check-in desk, there is literally no other way in or out. We always have four employees at the desk, twenty four hours a day, and while each are in the same uniforms our orderlies wear, they are actually security personnel. Each is equipped with tear gas guns, pepper spray, tazers, and stun batons. And every visitor is under surveillance. No one can see any of our patients without their consent. If someone shows up for them, the patient will view the surveillance and either consent or decline the visit. This way they don't have to come face to face with anyone they don't wish to see or feel pressured by an abuser.  
    Name nodded in approval of the safety measures. It was a smart system, giving the patients in Stephenson's care the one thing that had been stripped away from them by their abusers, the one thing that they desperately needed to heal; control over their own lives, some say and power over what happened to them, even if it was just over who visited them.  
    Wes might come for Duo himself, and, once turned away, might try to get past the guards forcefully, but it was even more likely that he would try to trick Duo or the staff, that he would use someone innocuous to scope out for weaknesses or try something else insidious, but Duo was one, if not the only person who might recognize one of Wes' agents, so this system of surveillance was a very good measure. Like any abused child, Wes or one of his men might be able to pressure or subtly threaten him if they met face to face, but if Duo felt safe, face to face with a monitor instead of a monster, that would be less likely.  
    The system wasn't full proof, not against Wes' tenacity and resources, but it was a better start than she had been expecting. The security guards weren't police officers, but that would actually work in her favor. she could easily investigate each of them without raising any unnecessary ref flags. The first thing she was going to do was pull their financial records and see if any of them had any odd, large sum deposits or other suspicious activity. She didn't think that even Wes was paranoid enough to have foreseen this and gotten some of the staff in his pocket, but it didn't hurt to be paranoid herself. She couldn't risk that Wes had, or would in the future, pay the guards or orderlies to spy for him, or take more forward measures.  
    While all she wanted was for Duo to be completely safe, a part of her desperately wished that the bastard _would_ make a move. She hoped that he would show up here himself to try to get Duo back like he had at Duo's job. This time she would be ready for him. In the attempt to try to get surveillance and take hits out on the man, she had lost some very vital contacts, but she hadn't exhausted all of her resources quite yet. She would create her own web of surveillance around the place, so not a single soul could come or go from here without her knowing. She wasn't taking any chances this time. What she needed to protect was too precious.  
  
End Part 17


	64. The Second Son Part 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo gets admitted to the psychiatric ward. Duo struggles to deal with his new life, his isolation from his family and therapy.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 18  
  
  
    Duo felt a jolt of anxiety when Name and the therapist came back into the room. He didn't know what he had been expecting; a frown, a look of embarrassment, or a shake of her head, some sign that his mother was annoyed with him. But she only smiled at him, the same way that she always did. A little bit worried, perhaps scared, but still full of love.  
    "Can you give us a couple of minutes alone?" Name asked the doctor, her voice just shy of pleading.    
    "Of course," Stephenson nodded and left.  
    Name walked slowly to the bed and sat down next to Duo, not as though she were hesitating or like Duo was some skittish, wild animal, but like she was unsure what to do now. She put her hand over Duo's and he was grateful. His hands felt so cold. Heero was brimming with all of the questions he wanted to ask his mother about her talk with the psychiatrist and he kept having to remind himself that it wasn't his place to ask any of them. This wasn't about himself. He knew all of the things that Duo wanted to ask his mother and wanted so badly to voice them for his friend, to try to help. but he coudln't. He didn't dare.   
    He would never allow himself to become nothing more than Duo's crutch, something to make things easier, a short cut. It was hard enough to get Duo to type down all the things that were bothering him, if he just relied on Heero to say what he thought was important, he might sink into not communicating at all, like a bad habit. So he didn't say a word and just watched his best friend and mother. Several minutes went by and Heero was worried he had made the wrong decision. He was terrified that Duo's muteness was going to make him with drawn and disconnect from them, that he would eventually decide that just not typing or writing anything at all was easier. But eventually, Duo picked up his tablet.  
    'What is going to happen now?' he asked.  
    Name kept her smile, but her expression became pinched and Duo knew that she wasn't happy with any of this.  
    "I signed all the forms. You'll now be under Dr. Stephenson's care. You're listed as an emergency patient, which means that you'll be released when your criteria is met, namely when the doctor determines you are no longer a threat to yourself."  
    Duo nodded. The therapist had told him that bit. Again he felt a stab of guilt that he was putting Name and Heero through all of this.  
    "The psychiatric ward is on the first floor. It is part of the children's ward, so you'll be with others under 17 years old, no adults. You'll be getting your own room and Dr. Stephenson told me that you won't be restrained in any way except for when you are sleeping. She is also going to allow you to keep Quatre's computer, but you're going to have to be very vigilant that no one steals it," Name told him.  
    Duo's relief was a palpable, physical thing, something that was visible on his features and how his body stopped tensing even to the casual onlooker, let alone to Heero and Name, who were used to reading his subtle body language. Obviously, the knowledge that he wouldn't be strapped down all the time and coupld keep the computer was welcome, but he hadn't realized how frightened the possibility of being surrounded by strange, mentally unstable adults had been making him fee. People his own age weren't completely safe either, but right now he coudln't stand that reminder of his time trapped in the closet or on Wes' bed. And best of all, if he did get overwhelmed, he could retreat to his room. He wondered if that was standard for risk patients like him, or if Name had pulled some strings.   
    "We're going to go down with you," Name continued, giving his hand a little squeeze, "and Dr. Stephenson will show us around. You should make a list of things you would like for us to bring you from home. Your doctor said some things will be restricted, but books should be ok."  
    She didn't say that they would be leaving him once he was situated, and would bring him his things the next day. She didn't need to, Duo could hear her reticence in her tone.  
    'Can you visit?' he typed.  
    "Of course," she said softly, brushing one lock of hair that had escaped from his braid behind his ear. The motherly motion made him blush a little, unconsciously, "We'll be here every afternoon. But if you are feeling overwhelmed or want some time to yourself, you aren't obligated to let us visit, Duo," she said, remembering what the therapist had said about his anxiety towards trying to please them. To her relief, Duo nodded in understanding and didn't look like he had taken her words the wrong way.  
    "We won't be allowed to stay with you the entire time, " Name confessed, "They have a lot stricter visiting hours than the rest of the hospital, but I promise you that you'll be safe. I'm going to make sure that Wes can't come within a hundred feet of this place."  
    Her voice was fierce, like a warrior anticipating a long battle, but also full of confidence. Duo almost blurted out that she didn't need to worry, he had taken care of it. Wes wouldn't be coming after him anymore. Those thoughts made his insides go ice cold, like he had drank water from a glacier. Knowing those things brought him absolutely no relief or comfort. Even if he got his voice back, he could never tell her those things. For one, she would press him to explain what he meant and he couldn't do that. He had decided that those words could never escape his lips, not if he wanted her to continue loving him, and he needed that love.  
    The second reason why it was pointless to allow his mother to believe that they were all safe from Wes was that they weren't. Wes was dead. Not even the Boogieman could survive several inches of steel stabbed into his throat. He could have suffocated, bled out, aspirated, or drowned from all that blood going into his lungs. No matter which way he looked at it, Wes was dead.   
    'Because you killed him.'  
    Duo nearly shuddered and immediately shoved those thoughts, feelings, and memories deep down, locking them away like he had before, back when he had first moved into Name's home. But no matter how hard he discarded it, one memory remained, rooted through him completely, like a tree made of poisonous cancer. The image of Wes' cold, dead gray eyes staring at him, accusing him, _laughing_ at him in mockery. As if Wes' last action in his life had been to boast, 'See? It's like I always told you. You can run as far and as fast as you like. You can move on with another family. But you will _never_ escape from me. You can be something, get an education, go to college, but a part of me will always be there inside of you. And when you're pressed against the wall, it'll be me telling you what to do, how to react. Me and no one else.'  
    A very strong tremor shot through him and he suddenly felt very sick. He went incredibly pale, bloodless, as Wes' voice rang in his head like a siren.  
    "Duo..." Name said in alarm as the teenager nearly doubled over, looking like he was about to vomit, "Honey, it's ok. I won't let him hurt you anymore."  
    She misread what had upset him so much, but that didn't matter. As she wrapped her arm around his back and drew him closer to her, her warmth was inviting either way and he buried his face against her, fighting his tears. He was stronger than this. He had survived, hadn't he? So why was this so hard... why did it hurt so much? He felt weak and faint all the time, like a ghost. Like he was dream walking. He wasn't safe. Not in his head and not in reality.  
    They would come for him. Wes' partners, enraged at his death and worried he would tell the police about them. And his enemies, looking to pick up the pieces of his empire and eager to get rid of any loose ends, to send a message to their rivals. For now, he had peace as all the vultures scrambled to clear the information from the rumors and get some kind of control over the situation. But eventually, they would chase after him, just as Wes had done. Not with his resources or tenacity, but they would still want him dead or tied to them. What better way to show dominance and control in Wes' shadow than to use Wes' number one whore the way that he had?  
    He couldn't claim safety in the face of animity, he wasn't that naive. He had left behind everything, every clue, and it wouldn't take a genius to put it all together. He would have some time, but someone was going to find Wes' body eventually. Probably the only reason why nothing had happened to him during his stay here, beyond any measures Name might have taken, was the location. Wes had cherished his privacy and hand't done that much business out of the apartment. Duo was also sure that Wes had kept the kidnapping a secret. If anyone did know, it would be Chris. And even a man like him that was more accustomed to taking orders would piece it all together.  
    The strands of wire and cuffs Wes had used to bind him with. The blood and semen on the floor. The lack of a forced entry and that it had all taken place inside of a closet, instead of a room... It would be obvious that Wes had been keeping someone captive, one of his whores or someone he had recently abducted, and that person was either a witness or, infinitely more obvious, his killer. The very first person Chris would suspect would be him. And if not, with Wes dead, his second hand man would be all too happy to go gunning for him anyway to shut him up.  
    Wes didn't have to be alive for the same threat to exist, but strangely, Duo was not frightened. He had lived in a constant state of fear for as long as he could remember. But now, knowing that his actions had to have huge repercussions, and every member of the mob or other groups of organized crime, or a gang member wanting to be initiated or rise through the ranks, was going to come after him, he wasn't scared. Wes had exposed him to that world of crime and power, but at the same time, he had kept him safe from it. Now that he was dead, that net was gone and he was vulnerable. Yet he felt... calm. He was terrified of his memories and what he had done, but not this.  
    After living in such deep fear of Wes finding him, of him coming back into his life, that now that he was gone, something that filled him with cold dread, it was as if he felt like nothing could touch him. He had survived the worst thing in his life and he was still struggling to come to terms with that. It was like being devout your entire life, surrendering everything you are to one belief, only to learn one day that God was not real. Wes killing him, either intentionally or through neglect, had been the one inevitability for him. That he had not only survived him but _outlived_ him was an impossibility. That he might eventually have to deal with more thugs trying to own or kill him didn't even faze him.  
    Not even the thought of being separated from Heero and Name terrified him like it would have in the past. It used to be that he would have a panic attack if he was alone in the house. That seemed like such a long time ago, he had to keep reminding himself that not even a year had passed since he had met Heero. He was scared of being apart from them. He had almost lost them forever and he still felt clingy and paranoid. But he also felt confident that they would remain in his life, that he would continue to see them when he needed to, that this was a temporary thing.  
    Was he finally accepting this strange new turn his life had taken? Had he finally found some confidence in himself and the people he loved, finally shedding that scared child inside of him and getting stronger? Had Wes' death allowed him to do this, to put at least a couple of his mental demons to rest, along with his one physical one? Or was he just becoming numb to all of it? Had his actions shocked him so thoroughly that not even his fears of being shut away in the dark again could touch him? Duo didn't know. He didn't feel numb.  
    He felt tired. Logically. Duo knew that a part of it was that his body was busy trying to heal itself, but his mind was working even harder. What he had just gone through... emotional stress just didn't touch it. He felt raw and scattered, trying as hard has he could not to remember all the things he had felt when Wes had kidnapped him, to only remember the things that had given him strength and resolve during those dark moments. But that just wasn't possible. He couldn't adequately separate the good from the bad. He had realized some very vital, but disturbing, things about himself. Necessary things.   
    But he had only been able to see those bare truths through all of the lies he had built up around himself because Wes had driven him to the brink of insanity and desperation. And in the midst of all of that, he was trying, with such intense effort and need, to not remember the horrible thing that he had done with his own hands, and more importantly, to keep Name and Heero from finding out.  
    Every time they looked at him or spoke to him, Duo felt this thrill of fear and paranoia. What if they had guessed? What if, eventually, they found out the truth? They were going to ask him at some point how he had gotten away. They _had_ to be suspicious. He didn't know if it was because he was trying so hard to not remember any of his grisly actions that day, but he was missing huge gaps in his memory from the time Wes had foiled his last escape attempt to when he had woken up in the hospital.  
    Truthfully, most of his memories of being trapped in that dark place were fuzzy, like he had dreamed it all. Towards the end, he had been so scared and so feverish, he supposed he was lucky to have remembered anything. But Heero had told him a little about finding him in his room, how he had been covered in blood. He had to know that that blood wasn't his. He had to want to ask about it...  
    Maybe that was it. Maybe he was too busy being terrified of himself and losing his family over his own actions to be scared of being institutionalized.   
    'I'm ok,' he typed.  
    Name didn't look at all convinced, but didn't press him. She wasn't an idiot. She knew that there was something wrong, something more than Duo worrying about Wes coming for him again. She was used enough to seeing that fear on Duo's face to recognize that this was something different. But she knew that if she tried to force him to tell her what it was, he never would and he would just become withdrawn. He wasn't ready, she could see that as clear as day, just as she could see his weariness.  
    She hated the circumstances that had led them to this, but the more she watched him, saw his reactions and how he looked and communicated with herself and Heero, the more Name realized that the doctor was right. Duo needed this and this was the right decision, even if she had lacked the strength to decide on this herself.  
    "Are you ready?" she asked him gently. It didn't matter to her if Duo took hours, the doctor could wait.  
    Duo nodded. He wasn't going to get any more used to this by putting it off. For a moment, he felt like all of this was ludicrous, like it was happening to him in a dream, at the same time as he felt like everything that had happened to him in his life had led him to this one moment, like it had been waiting for him. A mental institution. He had always felt insane, between his panic attacks, the hallucinations, nightmares, voices in his head, and the mental breakdown he had had when Wes had chained him up in the dark of his room. He was sure that if the therapist knew about those things, his chances of going back home to Name eventually would be very, very slim. It was already going to be a tall order trying to break through this... unconscious self-abuse.   
    He was being overly dramatic, and he knew that. At the same time that he felt hopeless, the thought of trying to heal whatever was wrong with him without giving away anything to the therapist that he didn't want to seemed so impossible, he clung to it. It seemed like a small thing compared to all the other shit in his life. If he didn't get through this, he wasn't going to go home. And now, that home was all that he had. He had made his choice in that closet, now he had to fight for it.   
    Name stood and did not let go of his hand. She left her grip loose, so he could get out of it if he felt that she was being too clingy or it embarrassed him. He didn't let go. He was aware of how childish it looked, him letting her lead him, but for the moment it was what he needed. Heero wasn't quite that bold, but he stayed close to his best friend's other side, as though they were a guard leading a valuable witness. Stephenson didn't seem at all bothered by their display and walked with them to the elevator. Their destination was just five floors down, the trip not nearly long enough for Duo's tastes, but long enough for the musak to give him the first prickling warning signs of a headache. Or perhaps that was just the stress.  
    The elevator let out, not to the waiting room on this floor, but to a hallway that Duo assumed was on the other side of the hospital. The walls of the lobby and hallways in pediatrics had been various different shades of orange, yellow, and pink. He had always hated them, beyond the reminder that he was there because he was hurt. They were just... too joyful, he supposed? They were the same pastel shades that one would find in Easter eggs and cheap wallpaper.   
    The walls here and in the guard station that they found themselves in were a mix of mint green and light blue shades which were quite soothing. Which, Duo thought, was probably the whole point. A long time ago, he had read in some book that certain colors could invoke emotional responses. Some colors like bright orange and red could make people anxious or alert, and there were even certain shades of green, brown, and yellow when, mixed together, could actually make someone feel physically sick. Blue, he had read, was naturally soothing and calming. He wondered if all mental institutions used these shades for the sakes of the patients, and if there was any credence to that color theory, why the waiting room in the emergency room was a vacuum of white. You would think that would be the one place that would need the most 'soothing'.   
    The guard station was quaint, just a small booth for the two guards sitting there, a metal detector, and a single door leading into the main part of the ward. There was a clipboard on the counter to sign in visitors and little else.   
    "Afternoon, Rich," Dr. Stephenson greeted one of the guards and introduced Name, Heero, and Duo.  
    Duo promptly tuned them out. He didn't make eye contact with either guard and was happy that neither of them tried to make conversation with him. They were probably used to patients who were too shy or embarrassed when they first came here. It wasn't entirely that. His instincts, trained by his time on the street and living with Wes, who at his best could be described diplomatically as militant, had him examining everything. The baton and stun pistol on the guard's belt were like bright red flags and made him a feel a bit better. At least they took their security seriously.   
    The bolts on the door leading to the main part of the institution were heavy and reinforced, the window incredibly thick and crosshatched with bars. It wasn't the prison door he had been expecting, but it was better than nothing. It would take a great deal of force to break through it, and would take a lot of time to unlock if you didn't have the key. Dr. Stephenson signed Duo in, continuing to talk to Name, and the guard opened the door for them.   
    Duo didn't know exactly what he had been expecting the ward to look like. His only real experience with mental institutions were from stories like _One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest_ and other books he had read in school. When he had thought about his stay here, he had envisioned stark walls, bars on every window, patients loitering in the hallways, babbling nonsense or banging their heads against the walls.   
    It was vastly different from all of that. The walls had flowered wallpaper on them where they weren't painted with a powdery blue. The windows had no bars. There were screens behind them, and to most people they would look exactly the same as the sort of screens you would put into your window during the summer to keep the insects out. Duo, however, knew the difference between those and ones that were made with durastell, a synthetic material that was very easy to create in different sizes in shapes, like plastic, that was also very strong.   
    Regular screens had warnings on them not to let babies or small children near the screens, as they can break even at a small weight. Durastell screens could only be broken with a great deal of force, like sawing at them with a sharp knife. They were perfect for a place like this, so the windows could stay open for some fresh air, giving the patients a feeling of normalcy, without risking that one might try to jump out one and go some place they shouldn't. Since the ward was on the first floor, there was no risk of anyone trying to jump to their deaths. Wes used to make and sell restraints and trip-wire explosives with the stuff since it was easy to use, hardy, but easy to obtain, so Duo easily recognized the white-silver shine to the screens as the sunlight reflected in them.  
    There were a few patients around, especially when they got to the main sitting room, but if he had been unaware of where he was, they wouldn't have looked any different from any other kid that he went to school with. The sitting room had a few tvs, books, toys, and chairs and sofas to sit on. One girl was reading a book, and smiled up at him. There was a large scar across her face, with some smaller one scattered about the edge of it, telling Duo that it had been made with glass, probably a broken bottle. Not one that had been thrown at her, but raked across her face. One of the scars came dangerously close to her right eye.   
    Though she was smiling, there was a shadow in her expression. Duo recognized the familiar expression intimately. He smiled back at her and she returned to her book. They moved on to the cafeteria, which was more or less what Duo had expected out of such a place. It was like a cross between the cafeteria at school and a fast food restaurant. There were tables and chairs instead of the long bench style seating arrangement at school, and a buffet type of food line. But it also looked like you could order something that wasn't being offered at the buffet if you wanted to. The menu was actually a lot more extensive than he had thought it would be, but what made him happiest was when he saw that they didn't just serve hamburgers and fries or pasta, but also fairly fresh fruits and vegetables, and even the greasier foods looked pretty good. The patients here ate better than he had when he had been in the hospital.   
    The ward seemed to have two areas; where the patients could eat and socialize, which was also where the classes and therapeutic appointments were held, and the more personal areas that included their rooms. The two areas were connected by a sort of 'bridge' that consisted of a long corridor, the walls made of thick glass that allowed them to see the outside. It had a kind of greenhouse effect, which was probably wonderful in the winter, but now that it was summer they had air conditioning going full blast. Duo could glimpse hints of flowers and trees through the heavy glass.   
    There were a few rooms in this portion of the ward that reminded him of school; a few art rooms where he saw a couple of teenagers around his age painting and sculpting, a music room, and, to Duo's immense relief and interest, a library. It made him feel a pang for his school, and a little bit of guilt for having missed the last few days of this semester. But that guilt was just a drop in the ocean of everything else. Stephenson explained that there were classes that anyone could take, not like at school, but more like activities to keep him occupied, and therapists in the guise of teachers. He didn't have to take them, if he didn't want to.   
    Eventually they got to a set of large, windowless doors. Across them was printed 'Atrium' in print that was neither institutional or artistic. The sun when Stephenson opened the doors was blinding, and the outside air was almost mockingly warm and peaceful. With a word like 'atrium', he had been half-expecting another sitting room, bigger and more open, or a tiny sports court perhaps, all paved ground with a chain-link fence and some benches. Courtyard or park would have been a more apt word to call the area. The green and hints of flowers he had seen in the path between the two areas of the ward had belonged to this place.   
    There _was_ a fence wrapping around the area, but it was tall and painted a clean white. It was too tall to climb, and the wood too thick to break through with anything but a chainsaw or a truck, but the fence gave more an impression of privacy than containment. There were a few long benches and cobbled paths across the lush grass. It almost looked like the park closest to home, the one he had gone to see his cats before Name had followed him there. But there were a lot more flowers here. With this smaller space, it was probably easier to maintain them, plus no dogs or rambunctious little kids to tromp all over them.   
    As Stephenson explained that this area, also, was someplace any one of the residents here could visit whenever they liked, Duo watched two boys play Frisbee.   
    “Let’s go see your room,” Dr. Stephenson said with a soft smile, happy to see that the teenaged boy was taking this so well so far. He did look a bit pale, a bit distant from them as though he were walking through a thick fog, but in her profession, she had seen much worse reactions to a teenager or child suddenly finding themselves here, separated from their families.   
    Most of the patients she treated came from troubled homes, and were either brought here by social services, themselves, or a guardian outside of their immediate family. It was nice to see that Duo was not one these children, that his family was still by his side, supporting him. It would go along way to helping him get better. That both Name and Heero did not stray from the longhaired boy’s side did not escape her notice, strengthening her resolve that the best thing for Duo was not to allow them by him at all times, nor was it to cut him off from them entirely.   
    Duo’s room was not all that far away from the atrium, and it was more spacious than he had envisioned. There was a large window, screened like the others in the institution were, and a cheery amount of sunlight streamed through it. There was a desk with a lamp, a dresser, closet, and a bed, not as nice as the one he had at home, but better than the one Wes had provided him for all of those years. The bedroom had the similar theme of soothing colors instead of stark, void ones. It wasn’t his bedroom, but it wasn’t a prison cell either.   
    “The closest bathroom is further down the hall to the right,” the psychiatrist told him and lightly touched his arm, “Do you have any questions for me?”   
    Duo shook his head. His mind was totally blank at the moment, not so much a beehive of thoughts as a snowstorm of white nothingness. He was going to have plenty of time alone with Stephenson to ask her any questions he could think of.   
    ‘Thank you for the tour,’ he typed.   
    “I’ll be right outside,” she said to Name and left the three of them alone.   
    Name looked at Duo, and for a very brief moment, she lost control of herself and looked like she might cry. She quickly composed herself enough to just hug him tightly.   
    “Oh, Duo,” she murmured, resting her cheek against his head, and feeling suddenly helpless, an emotion she had never enjoyed, “please tell me what you need.”   
    It was as close as she would come to asking him if he wanted her to take her home, to fight against Dr. Stephenson and Dr. Stark’s recommendation, even though her good sense screamed at her that this was for Duo’s benefit. Duo felt an aching pit in his heart at her embrace and had to remind himself very forcefully that this was not the last time she was going to hug him. They were not locking him away in some dark closet, or cage with iron bars. Even if he never got better, even if they never released them from this place, he was not going to be abandoned. Just that thought, those words in his head, made that pit ache and something inside of him flare red hot.   
    ‘She’s all you have left,’ that cruel voice in his head spoke up. It had been suspiciously quiet during the tour of the facility, ‘the only road left.’   
    That should have filled him with terror, but he only felt sadness, guilt, and a strong love. Somewhere, deep inside, where the true consequences of what he had done would never leave him, he missed Wes. He could tell the rest of him that nothing had happened, that the sickening sound of that knife going into his neck had only been a nightmare, but that part still knew that he was gone. He was dead and murdered and would never come back into his life. And that part of him missed him deeply, even as it was still frightened by his memory.   
    In the closet, he had wondered if he would just choose Wes, if the man would truly stay with him, or he would get tired of him and toss him away. He would never know now what sort of future he could have had with Wes, but he knew, without any doubts in his heart now, that Name would never leave him. The voice might be right. He was old enough and mature enough know that there was no such thing as ‘the only choice’ but if this road was the only one for him, the best road, at the very least, he could see it stretching a long way ahead and, unlike his turbulent life with Wes, he did not wonder if tomorrow morning he would wake up all alone, in some strange bed, or not wake up at all.   
    He tugged on Name’s sleep, to get her to let go of him and when she did, he typed on the pad.   
    ‘Can you come back tonight?’   
    He wondered if she would understand that he was asking for more than just them to visit him tonight. He already knew that they would, to bring his things. He didn’t need to ask, though, or to wonder. She smiled and kissed his forehead.   
    “Of course, sweetheart,” she promised.   
    ‘I sent you the list of the things I’d like you to bring,’ Duo typed and showed to Heero, ‘if it’s not too much trouble.’   
    “Of course it isn’t,” the blue eyed boy scoffed, and pulled his best friend into his own hug, tighter than his mother’s. Duo eagerly hugged back, clinging to him like his life depended on it. If he had begged him to right then, Heero would have dragged him out of the hospital, fighting tooth and nail. He half-hoped that he would, but Duo just squeezed him tightly.   
    “You have my phone number, and my email address. You can contact me whenever you like, no matter how late it is, ok?” Heero rasped, his voice tinged with desperation.   
    Duo nodded against his shoulder, and was immensely thankful that the doctor had let him keep Quatre’s computer if only for that reason. Heero was reluctant to let go of him, but he eventually did. Both Heero and Name looked like there was more that they wanted to say to him, so much more, but knew they had to leave him at some point. Watching them go, Duo felt his stomach ache. He wanted to yell at them to come back, that he didn’t want to be left here, but he knew he was just panicking. He had wanted to prove to Heero, and to himself, that he could be independent and strong. This was his chance.   
    He sat down on the bed and stared at the wall. He could think something like that, but he was scared. Scared of his thoughts, and unsure about what was going to happen now. He could hear Name and Dr. Stephenson talking out in the hallway, but eventually their voices faded until Duo understood that Heero and Name had finally left. He felt very cold. He had survived Wes when all sense had told him that he would die at a very young age from the man’s savagery, especially when he had kidnapped him this last time, so why did this make him feel so hopeless? He had a way to contact Name and Heero and the rest of his friends. He had books and television and games. He could go outside and breathe in fresh air, turn on as many lights as he wished when it got dark. And yet he had that feeling again, like he was being pulled away into some dark space.   
    He realized that he should get up, explore the ward further, do anything to keep his mind occupied, but he just couldn’t muster up the ability to leave the spot he was sitting in. For the first time, his thoughts weren’t on Wes or his guilt or even how much he missed his family. He missed his room and yearned for his own ceiling, he ached to feel Toby’s warm body pressed against his leg, Shiva’s familiar weight on his lap. This room was nice, better than he had thought it would be, but there was no warmth here. It was like the opposite of a hotel room where you knew you were sharing the bed with at least a hundred other people, that a thousand fingerprints besides your own, most if not all of them strangers’, were on the remote, on the door knob, on the shower head. He couldn’t envision a single other person sitting on this bed.   
    After some time of him just sitting there, involved with his somber thoughts, he heard a knock on the door. He blinked owlishly at it and pondered getting up to answer it before the person realized how foolish it was to wait for permission from someone who couldn’t talk and just came in. He was relieved to see Dr. Stephenson and not some orderly or worse, another patient eager to meet the new admission.   
    “Hello, Duo,” she said with a soft smile, so unlike the nurses that had taken care of him in the hospital, but not indifferent or sterile-professional, and she reminded him of his mother for a moment.  
    She sat down next to him on the bed and Duo realized that they were talking to each other, one on one, for the first time, like two people instead of doctor and patient. It was refreshing. He had never met another psychiatrist and wasn’t sure what they were supposed to be like. He had thought of them as cold and clinical, always with a pen and a pad of paper, jotting down your thoughts and feelings without actually hearing them or feeling them, kind of like how Stark treated him, just without the constant underlying disdain. But Stephenson actually seemed to care about him beyond her bottom line or whatever it was therapists strived for.   
    “How are you?” she asked genuinely.   
    ‘I don’t know,’ Duo typed the honest answer. In the time that it had taken to walk here, he had resolved that for the things that he _could_ tell her, he would tell the absolute truth to make up for the things he didn’t dare to, ‘I don’t know what I’m feeling right now.’  
    She seemed to understand and touched his hand.  
    “That’s alright. I know this is all probably very overwhelming for you. Is there anything I can do for you to make you more comfortable?”  
    He shook his head.   
    ‘When is my first session with you?’ he typed.  
    “I think we’ll wait on those for a few days, until you are more used to this place,” she said.  
    He almost huffed at that. He wanted to get this over with, he wanted to go home as soon as possible. But he knew that it wasn’t like that. He wasn’t even sure if she _could_ help him. When she left him, he laid down on the bed. It was comfortable, but alien to him. He put the computer on the bedside table and rolled over onto his side. Duo touched his leg lightly. Even through his pants, he could feel the bandage there, over the punctures he had made in his leg. He didn’t need to roll up his pant leg and take off the bandage to see the wound. When Stark’s nurse had cleaned it, he had studied every inch of it, forcing himself to do so as if that could break through to the damaged part of himself that had done that. It would scar, a constant reminder of how crazy he was. His brow furrowed and he stared at that spot on his leg with hatred.  
    ‘Why?’ he demanded himself, but there was no answer.  
  
*****  
  
    Despite Stephenson’s assurance that a schedule would not be forced upon Duo, in the week since he had first been admitted, he found himself falling into one. He even came to rely on it, to keep himself from really feeling the isolation and separation from the life that he had so desperately clung to and yearned to return to during his kidnapping. He always had breakfast at ten, always something different but he did enjoy the omelets and waffles that the cook made for him at his request, and never once batting an eye at having to read his tablet.   
    There were a few ‘classes’ he liked to join in; painting, music, and a sort of book club thing. Painting was very soothing to him, and the ‘teacher’ had stopped trying to get him to paint his feelings after the first couple of times. All of the teachers kept trying to get him to open up like that, to express his feelings in some way, especially about the kidnapping, but never really pressed him too hard. He didn’t know how to tell them that no one wanted to see his feelings and memories expressed in any kind of art form, and he didn’t want to relive those things like that. He had enough nightmares at night, he didn’t need them during the day.   
    He couldn’t sing or play any sort of instrument, but he went to the music classes to watch the other patients. They kept to themselves mostly, or stayed in close knit groups of friends, people that had been there much longer than he had, just like at school. There was one girl named Ella who always took music classes, and had quite a talent for the piano. Her mother had splashed her in the face with some bleach in a fit of rage and she was blind in one eye. Duo didn’t think that she had even told her therapist that and found that quite a few patients that were normally quiet and skittish opened up to him easily, probably because he was mute. But he never opened up to them about his own past, just mundane things.   
    Book club was his favorite. He couldn’t read out loud, but the other patients in the club were patient enough to read what he typed on his tablet and agree to his suggestions. He spent most of his free time reading in the various rooms and atrium of the institution and the small, but cozy library that they had quickly became his favorite place.   
    He would go to dinner around five or six and then go to bed at ten. If he slept, it was sporadically, just three to four hours at a time. After the first couple of nights he had learned to go to bed early or he wouldn’t get any kind of decent sleep. He had an hour and a half session with Dr. Stephenson every day. Duo was amazed that, after five sessions with her, she hadn’t gotten completely frustrated with him yet. After spending seven and a half hours talking to her, he had never broached the subject of Wes or his kidnapping.   
    He told her what little bits of his childhood he was comfortable talking about; how lonely he had been, how few friends he had had and growing up poor without any kind of nurturing, parental presence, his cats, being bullied by Zechs. And he told her about his current life at the Yuy household, how much happier he was and how much he loved them, how he thought of Name now as his mother and how grateful he was to her.   
    He never once talked about any kind of sexual abuse or being a prostitute and Stephenson did not ask about it. She didn’t ask about the kidnapping, either, except for their third session when she asked him if he believed that his experience with it was affecting his sleep at all. He had confessed that he was having nightmares, that those nightmares involved his fear of the dark and being confined. To his relief, they had talked about this fear at a great length without actually revealing anything in detail about the kidnapping or the other times he had dreamed those things.   
    Duo felt like he was making no progress, and he knew it was his fault. Every time he walked into Stephenson’s office, he wondered if he should divulge more details to her, that he should actually talk about Wes, but something always stopped him, something other than his fear of talking about the murder or getting Name into trouble. How could he help her get to the root of why he was mute and self destructive if he couldn’t even talk about the reason _why_ he had become mentally broken? Every time he left one of those sessions, he felt hopeless, like he was doomed to be here for the rest of his life.   
    He wished he could understand it himself, but he couldn’t even think about it. About Wes’ body, about the feeling of that knife sliding into his neck, and that _he_ had been the one to do it. He couldn’t come to terms with that, even as he taunted himself in his nightmares about it. On some level, he knew that this self abuse was him punishing himself for doing the one thing that he had always believed he could never do, that one level of Wes that he would never sink to. Perhaps his inability to speak was a part of that, or maybe he was still in some kind of subtle form of shock. But if he understood those things, why couldn’t he get over them? Now that Wes was dead, he wanted to move on with his life.  
    ‘Do you, or are you just running away?’  
    The voice hadn’t stopped. It was pretty constant now, a bully in his head. A tormentor, like one of the furies from greek mythology, a vulture in his chest. Maybe he really was clinically insane, and that voice was a hallucination. His one reprieve was when his family visited, then it was easy to ignore the voice. Name and Heero visited him every day. The second day he had been here, he had refused to let them visit him. He had just been so ashamed of himself and had stayed in his room all day, not wanting to speak to anyone. But by the time the third day had come, he had been miserably lonely and aching to see them. Quatre, Trowa, and even Wufei visited him and it was in those times that he felt the most normal. He felt bad that they had to come to a place like this, but he was just so happy to see him that the guilt was muddled and rather pointless.   
    He was the most surprised that Wufei’s mother was a frequent visitor. Stark saw him every other day to assess his physical health and he though he was never happy to see his doctor, he was glad that he didn’t gloat about recommending his stay here. At first he thought that Dr. Chang was only seeing him because she was gearing up to be Stark’s replacement, once the forms went through (which had made the man as belligerent and petty as anyone would imagine), but she seemed more concerned as his friend’s mother than a doctor.   
    Dr. Chang kept him updated on the process of getting him switched over to her care, as well as the goings on in Wufei’s life that weren’t an invasion of his privacy. When he was feeling depressed after a session with Stephenson, she would simply sit with him and tell him stories of the village in China where she had grown up. The ward was like a black hole, a chasm or microcosm of it’s own. Duo felt isolated, not just from the lives of his friends, but the rest of the world, so he welcomed her visits.   
    He had actually fallen into this routine he had concocted for himself very easily. Those first two days had honestly been the worst. He had been overjoyed to see Name and Heero return that night with his things that Stephenson had approved, and equally saddened when they had left. Heero had given him a box of his things from home; some books, games, and the orb from his desk that lit his room at night.   
    Duo also found a plushie, grey wolf in the box. It was a little bit tattered, one of it’s yellow eyes missing, but it smelled like Heero and he recognized it as the same one that sat on his best friend’s desk in his room. He wondered if it was something from his childhood, because he didn’t seem like the type that would collect stuffed animals. Duo hadn’t had any himself growing up. Sister Helen had tried giving him a teddy bear once, but he hadn’t understood what he was supposed to do with the thing. He had ended up splitting it open to hide things in before closing it up again, but had lost it quickly.   
    When he had gotten older, it had just been another thing he had understood was normal for other kids, but not for him. He had been curious if holding something like a teddy bear really helped you sleep, but hadn’t been dumb enough to ask Wes about it. He still didn’t know about holding a stuffed animal while he slept, and he wished that they didn’t have to strap his hands down at night. It was hard enough trying to fall asleep like that, flat on his back, unable to adjust. But it was something of a comfort, having the wolf by his head on the pillow, that familiar smell… at night it was all he had, besides the equally familiar glow of the orb.   
    That first night, the straps had proven to be completely pointless, he hadn’t fallen asleep for a single second. In that dimly lit room, he had felt invisible eyes on him, had heard familiar breathing that could not possibly have been there, and a voice that hadn’t let him drift off, like it was punishing him. At some point in the night, he had realized that it was the first night he had been away from Name since Boston that hadn’t involved kidnapping or a hospital stay. For some reason, that thought had upset him enough to keep him awake and restless. He still didn’t sleep that well, but during the day he made sure to keep so busy that by the time he laid down for the night, he was too tired for his thoughts to run wild.   
    The last few days, Duo had spent most of his free time in the atrium. The summer air, already becoming hot and humid but not unpleasantly so, was helpful in forgetting where he was. He watched a simple, small yellow butterfly float from flower to flower and had to pull himself out of an almost-doze. He was all alone out here and the stillness, the quiet and peace made his mind wander into nothingness, his lack of sleep catching up with him. He had just come from one of his sessions with Stephenson. She had made him talk about his cats, the connection he felt with Trowa, a connection he had not been anticipating in their friendship, and his closeness with Heero.   
    He told her pretty much everything; how he had never felt this close to another person in his entire life, how Heero could make him do things and feel things he never would do or feel otherwise. He even told her how scared that made him feel sometimes. But he didn’t tell her about his suspicions that he was in love with his best friend. Stephenson had seemed very interested in this course of discussion, but Duo had felt frustrated. How he felt about Heero had nothing to do with his recent problems. They were _his_ issues and his alone, he had caused them. All of this was his fault. And he couldn’t even tell her that. It made him realize just how much of a waste of time this was.   
    Deep in his thoughts, Duo felt himself start to drift off again, but this time couldn’t muster the ability to jerk himself awake. It was so nice and warm out here, the sunlight so different from the dark shadows of his room…  
  
*****  
      
  
 _"I’ve done terrible things. I’ve stolen from kids that were just as sick and hungry as me, I’ve had sex with guys ten times my age in horrible, disgusting ways, I’ve been filled with hatred, I’ve lied, cursed, I’ve sold drugs for Wes, I even lost hope in my own existence and tried to kill myself more than once… sometimes, I wonder if one day, I’ll look at myself in the mirror and I’ll see Wes there… but the one thing I can cling on to is that I would never kill someone, I would never take that last step in being him. After everything I’ve done, I don’t know if I can ever be proud of myself, but I’ve never taken a life. And I’m glad for that. If I did… if I took that last step, the one thing that separates me from him… if I took that step, even because of revenge, I would cease to be human.”_  
  
  
  
End Part 18


	65. The Second Son Part 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Duo injures himself again, Stark demands that he and Heero be separated. Can Duo make his doctors believe that Heero isn't the cause of his mental problems when he can't even speak?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 19  
  
  
    "I don't care about your _assurances_ ," a deep, male voice snarled, jerking Duo from his deep sleep.  
    His body tried to flinch, even as he quickly realized that the voice sounded very different from Wes', but he only did so very weakly, which alarmed him more than the voice. His body felt sluggish, and it was hard to open his eyes, but he could sense light beyond his eyelids, and someone close to him, a familiar smell.   
    "And I don't care for your tone," a female voice snapped back.  
    'Mom?'  
    No, it wasn't Name, but he didn't feel as threatened by this voice as the male's, who's he also recognized.   
    "Stark, keep your voice down," another female voice, this one sounding weary.  
    The hospital. His home away from home recently. He recognized the second female voice as Wufei's mother's, so the first female voice must belong to Dr. Stephenson. But what were the two doctors doing here...  
    'But where is here?' he thought in bewilderment.   
    It had to be his bedroom at the institution, he couldn't think of any other place they would have him laying down on a bed. But he wasn't strapped down, he could move his arms, just not very well. They must have sedated him if he was finding it this hard to move, he recognized the effect of drugs well enough, but why? A hand that had been holding his tightened its grip as Duo tried to move. He opened his eyes to bright, burning light and winced.   
    "It's ok," Heero assured him softly, sitting on the edge of his bed, "Don't try to move too much."  
    Duo was too happy to see him amidst the chaos that his bedroom had become to care about anything else and he smiled at him. This seemed to ease some of the stress in Heero's face and his best friend gave his hand another comforting squeeze.  
    "You aren't his doctor yet," Stark yelled at Lian.  
    Duo could hear _bitch_ in his tone even though the doctor didn't dare to say it. Lian seemed to hear it, too, and glared at him. Duo couldn't tell which of the two doctors looked more angry. Stephenson looked at the two of them hopelessly, like a mother trying to decide how to separate her two sparring children. Off to the side of this throng of doctors, Trowa looked on as a silent observer, or perhaps a referee.   
    The longhaired boy could not, for the life of him, string together the events that had led to him having so many people in his room, and Name's absence. Why was Trowa here, but his mother wasn't? None of it made any sense to him. The last thing he could concretely remember was going outside to the Atrium. Had he experienced another short term memory loss or was this something more serious?  
    "I'm here as a friend," Lian snapped, "and I don't think Ms. Yuy would approve of you striding in here and demanding things that aren't yours to decide."  
    "I was asked here to monitor him," Stark sneered at her and turned his steely gaze to Stephenson, " _You're_ the one who decided to sedate him, which I agreed to do, now you're ordering me to leave?"  
    "I will not restrain him," Stephenson said slowly, as though she were repeating herself and tired of doing so, "I have already said so and you shouting at me will not change my mind. Duo is heavily sedated, there's no reason to use restraints as well. I asked you to leave because your behavior is not constructive, or professional."  
    "So you've said," Stark said heatedly, "We thought the same thing during surgery, right before he plunged the scalpel into his leg. And weren't you also the same person who assured me that he would not be able to harm himself here, that you would be monitoring him, and yet in the week he's been here, you have made _zero_ progress. If Mrs. Yuy and yourself can't make these decisions, then maybe someone should be appointed his case who _can_."  
    "There was no reason to expect he would do this," Stephenson protested, "Duo has been a model patient up to this point."  
    'What did I do?' Duo wondered in confusion. What could he have possibly done to make everyone so agitated?  
    Stark snorted.  
    "You call yourself a doctor, but you can't even control one boy."  
    "And if it were up to you, he would be in isolation twenty-four-seven," Lian accused, "or keep him sedated. What exactly would you have them do?"  
    "For starters," Stark said snidely, his voice tinged with that banal cruelty Duo was so used to from him, "I fail to see the reason why _he_ ," he pointed an accusing finger at Heero, who looked as startled as Duo did, "is allowed here at all!"  
    "What the hell are you talking about?" Trowa growled lowly, finally speaking up, "Heero is Duo's best friend, he has as much a reason to visit him as any of us!"  
    'You can't split us apart, I need him, please,' Duo tried to force the words out, struggling to sit up as much as he was struggling to speak, but his muscles, like his voice, did not want to cooperate under whatever drugs they had him on.  
    "Does he?" the doctor said, not to Trowa, but to Stephenson, "You said yourself that he does as much bad as he does good for Duo. You even contemplated the idea of separating the two of them."  
    'Stop,' Duo squeezed his eyes shut, finally managing to sit up right even as Heero grabbed at his shoulders and pleaded with him not to move. His throat felt raw and twisted as he tried to yell at the arguing adults.      
    "An idea that I decided would be against Duo's best interests-," Stephenson argued.  
    "Clearly you don't know what those are!" the male doctor nearly roared, "Any idiot can see that Heero is one of the main reasons for his panic attacks and this kind of self-destructive behavior! From the moment this family has stepped into his life, he has been on _my_ door step! They might not be responsible for his physical condition, but they are surely responsible for his mental one, which you agree with!   
    "Partially-" Stephenson started to say, looking almost as frustrated as Duo did, her voice rising in agitation.  
    "Any _sensible_ person would have separated them from the start! Heero is obviously making him more stressed, not less, if after all of this time, you still haven't been able to get through to his anxiety."  
    'No, no, no,' Duo chanted silently, 'You don't understand, it _isn't_ Heero, if you take him away...'  
    Tears that were painfully silent, a betrayal to the wave of misery that he felt, slid down his cheeks. They were going to take Heero away, they were going to refuse to let them see him, all because Duo couldn't say what he should, confess what he needed to, to get them to understand. Because of this damned muteness, he couldn't even try to make them see how much he needed his best friend here with him, even for just these short visits. Heero would be gone, and it would be all his fault...  
    "Heero _isn't_ making Duo hurt himself!" Lian snarled at Stark, getting truly infuriated with him, "If you separate them, he might never get better, this violence will only escalate!"  
    "If you believe that, then it only confirms my belief that the two of them should be as far away from each other as possible," Stark growled, "That kind of co-dependency is sickening."  
    Duo shook his head, his fingers clawing at the bed sheets as he silently screamed in desperation to get Stark to shut up, to listen to him while he had no words to say. He didn't know if Stark really believed in what he was saying, or he was just trying to hurt him for reasons he never fully understood, but if he made sense to just one person... He tried, harder than he had ever tried before, to get his dead voice to spark to life. He had to, he had to tell Stark how wrong he was, that his problems were his own. He had done this to himself, he had taken that last step and now, he was paying the price, not Heero.   
    Trowa watched in alarm as Duo's face, now bright red, contorted into an expression of heart-breaking hopelessness and self hatred as he tried to speak. In that expression was also one of physical pain, as he tried to get his throat to work, but the force of it was only harming him. He realized it then, seeing not just how this muteness was hurting his friend mentally, but was actually causing him physical pain. He didn't know if Duo realized it, but a mental part of himself was actually trying to make him suffer by causing that pain whenever he tried to speak. He had seen it before in the other times Duo tried hard to talk, but never at this length. Something in him was trying to punish himself, trying to distance him from Heero and the other people he loved, just like he had after the kidnapping in Boston, but a thousand times worse.   
    "Duo!" Lian cried out in alarm as the longhaired boy nearly doubled over, gasping silently in exertion.  
    "So, there's no reason to restrain him?" Stark said snidely to Stephenson, but she ignored him.   
    Lian got on her knees next to Duo's bed and grabbed his shoulder.  
    "Duo, it's ok," she tried to soothe, "you have to calm down."  
    She touched his arm and for the first time, Duo realized that there were thick bandages around, not just his right arm, but his left as well. He blinked down at her in confusion, his throat throbbing and raw. He could even taste blood, or maybe he just thought he did as he looked at the white bandages on his right arm, and the spots of blood that were getting bigger as he watched. He looked at Heero, his violet eyes wide with fear, part from the thought of his best friend being removed because he had had a fit, and partially because he didn't remember what he had done for those bandages to be there.  
    "We're not going to make him leave," Lian promised him, still lightly touching his bandaged arm until Duo relaxed his fists, "I promise."  
    Duo let out a shuddering breath and Heero held his hand again, now that it was relaxed, smiling at him through his own anxieties. He didn't know how to comfort his friend, what to say to Stark in Duo's stead to convince him that there was no way in hell he was telling him that he couldn't see him while he was here.   
    "Right now, _you_ are the one that is agitating him," Stephenson hissed at Stark, "not Heero. You might be his doctor, _currently_ , but this is my ward, and you need to leave."  
    Stark looked like he wanted to argue with her more, but thought better of it, between Trowa's poorly concealed anger and the united front between Lian and Stephenson. With him gone, Stephenson and Lian turned their attention on Duo, who felt incredibly dizzy and drained with Stark out of the room.   
    "Here, lay back down," Heero urged and helped him as Duo found it hard to move still.  
    "The drugs will wear off in a few hours," Stephenson told him, "I'm sorry, but we had to sedate you. I didn't want you to hurt yourself further."  
    Duo looked down at his bandages again. The bleeding seemed to have stopped, but the blood was dark. Whatever had happened, it had been worse than stabbing himself in the leg. He made a motion writing motion with his left hand to Stephenson, his eyes pleading. She hesitated, unsure about giving him anything, but grabbed his computer from the desk and gave it to him. Duo struggled to type on it. The drugs made his movements slow and he knew that he shouldn't be moving at all, that all his body wanted to do was shut down until they were out of his system, but he was too stubborn, and whatever damage he had done to himself, he was starting to feel it. He didn't feel pain, but he did feel that something was wrong with his arms.   
    'What did I do?'  
    He didn't want to know, he didn't want to face the reality of how screwed up things had gotten, how screwed up his head was. He didn't want to accept the possibility that he was too far gone to be helped, that Wes had played this final game with his head. After everything he had gone through, he could never accept that now, when there was some sort of light in his life, that Wes had won.   
    Stephenson and Lian looked at each other mournfully, hesitating in saying anything.   
    "We don't know exactly," Heero was the one who spoke up, stroking his hand lightly as he told him what Stephenson had told him and Trowa when they had shown up, "They found you in the art room... you were cutting yourself with a pair of scissors..." his voice wavered a little, then he fell silent. He relinquished his hold on Duo's hand to let Lian unwrap the bloody bandages from his arm.  
    "You were unresponsive," Stephenson continued softly, "It was like you were sleepwalking. Stark says that he witnessed the same behavior when you stabbed yourself. We were able to get the scissors away from you and sedate you fairly easily, you didn't seem to be conscious enough to realize what was happening to you, only concerned with trying to harm yourself. What is the last thing that you remember?"  
    Duo winced as Lian finished unwrapping the bandage and felt the bandage tug on some part of his arm, probably one of the wounds. It didn't hurt, it just felt weird.   
    'I was in the atrium,' he typed, 'The last thing I remember, I had-'  
    His eyes widened in shock. He had fallen asleep. Just like in the hospital, he had lost consciousness and hurt himself. But this was even worse. He had, in his sleep, sought out the best way to harm himself. He had left the atrium, gone all the way to the art room, and found one of the few pairs of scissors that was sharp enough to damage himself with. What the hell was wrong with him? If he was that psychotic, what was stopping that part of him from killing himself?   
    Why didn't it just take him over, completely break what was cracked and fill his psyche with complete insanity? Why this push and pull between who he was when he was asleep and who he was while he was awake? He wished he could talk to that person in his head that took control when he wasn't conscious and demand that it stop this, that it would just let him go home. He looked down at his arm, naked and unwrapped in the bright, overhead lights. It looked white and bloodless, entirely not at all like his arm. Blood was splashed over some of the skin in patches and the light made the cuts look ugly.      
    The cuts weren't as deep as Duo had feared, but there was something about them that was terrible to him. He heard Lian tell him that the damage wasn't as bad as it looked, that there would be minimal scarring and no permanent damage, but her voice was like white noise. At a glance, the cuts, where they were and their angles, looked totally random. The attack of a madman. But Duo saw what Lian and Stephenson and even Stark had probably overlooked.   
    The new cuts traced over his old wounds, the cuts that the wires Wes had bound him with had made, with eerie precision and perfection, with one difference. They were deeper. He had reopened the cuts like someone trying to drain pus from a closed wound, and had made the damage worse instead of better. As he stared at them, he could see the ghosts of the wires, binding him, he could see Wes' face, so full of rage and evil. He could see the man choking him and he could see himself clutching the knife in his hand.   
    Stephenson looked alarmed as the color drained from Duo's face and he looked sick and waxen, like a doll. This was her first time seeing him like this, but Heero and Trowa were used to these moments, when their friend's dark thoughts overwhelmed him and panic seized him like a snare. Trowa stepped to the other side of the bed and gently touched Duo's cheek, making him turn his head and look up at him. Almost the second his wounds were out of sight, Duo seemed to recover, like he was waking up from a nightmare. Trowa studied his face, trying to read what the boy couldn't say and didn't see anything that he liked.  
    "Can we have some time alone?" the green eyed boy asked Stephenson, "Just the three of us?"  
    The psychiatrist chewed on her lower lip, mulling that over. Dr. Stark had a serious attitude problem, but even she had to admit that he was right in this case. Not about separating Heero and Duo. The more that she observed them together, the more that she believed her choice to allow Heero to visit was the right one. When they were together, Duo seemed much more confident and connected. But Stark _was_ right, she had underestimated this situation. She had thought that if they just restrained Duo at night, these self-violent episodes could be controlled. Now she was afraid that she had made a huge mistake and wondered if by restraining him, all that violence had pent up into... this. Or perhaps all of these episodes had the potential to be this serious, this was just the first time they had happened in an isolated setting.   
    Either way, keeping him restrained at night was not the solution. She almost shuddered as she remembered the sight of her patient covered in blood, digging the sharp blades of the scissors into his arm with all of the concentration of a surgeon, with the exception of the glazed, almost unseeing eyes. Stephenson had seen dozens of disturbed children and teenagers cut themselves, but never like this, never with this kind of careful, deliberate intention.   
    She couldn't risk another incident like this. The only reason why those cuts didn't need stitches was because an orderly that had been making his rounds had walked in on Duo. They had been lucky, and Stephenson refused to let her patient's welfare rely on something like that. Still, she didn't see the harm in giving him some time with his friends. The poor boy looked like so many children she had seen with post traumatic stress disorder, shell shocked and tired and scared, it was the least she could do for him.   
    "Alright," she agreed, "but not too long, I want him to get some rest."  
    "What do I need to do with his cuts?" Trowa asked.  
    "How good is your first aid?" Lian asked skeptically, recognizing the diversion tactic for what it was.  
    "I grew up in a circus. I used to help my sister take care of the animals, I know my way around cuts and bruises," he assured her.  
    Duo shot him an annoyed look.  
    'I'm not a tiger,' he typed and Heero could almost hear his friend's voice in his head, giving those typed words a pouting tone.  
    "I also took care of the other performers, Duo," his tall friend shot back flatly.  
    Stephenson smiled at their banter, relieved to see how just this short banter with his friends was making the boy more relaxed and open. She wished that she could have seen him before he had made friends with Heero, to see how he had changed so she could get a good idea of what he needed, and what needed to be changed. She ushered Lian out the door, even though the doctor still seemed concerned about leaving them when Duo’s wounds still needed to be dressed.  
    With the two women gone, Trowa examined the cuts on Duo’s arms. He had thought they were ragged when he had first glimpsed them, but under the overhead, white lights, he saw that they were clean and had been done by a steady hand. That worried him more than anything Dr. Stephenson had told them about this incident. His friend’s skin looked like a doll’s, white and waxen. When he finished putting on the antibacterial ointment on the cuts, Duo didn’t flinch or make any indication of how much it had to burn. He looked deep in his thoughts, and every time those violet eyes found his wounds, they were tinged with some dark fear that Trowa couldn’t quite place. Was he afraid of hurting himself again, or was he simply afraid of the reason why he had hurt himself?  
    “Can you feel that?” he asked as he pressed down on one of the smaller cuts.  
    Duo nodded.  
    “Does it hurt much?” Heero asked.  
    ‘Not really,’ the longhaired boy confessed, ‘the drugs take the worst out of it.’  
    That came as a relief. Trowa knew that the cuts weren’t deep enough to cause nerve damage, but Duo was so far away from them, he couldn’t help but worry. Trowa wrapped up his arms with an air of practice and skill. His fingers were long like his legs were, but they were gentle and capable. Even with the cuts covered, Duo’s eyes lingered on his arms, which Trowa easily noticed.   
    “You know why you did this, don’t you?” he asked softly.  
    Heero looked startled by the possibility that his friend wasn’t as in the dark about this as they were. He knew that Duo was keeping something from them, but he had looked so confused, so scared when he had learned what he had done to himself and to Stark. But now, at Trowa’s question, he only looked away from both of them, at the wall. His expression was guilty and full of fear once again.   
    Heero felt a pang in his heart. It seemed like there was nothing he could do, nothing he could say lately to get rid of that fear and unsurety. He felt like he was faltering as a friend, unsure of his role here, beyond just holding Duo’s hand. After some time Duo finally looked at Trowa and nodded. It did nothing to relieve either Trowa or Heero. Heero realized that he didn’t want to hear the answer, not if it made him look like that, not when he knew it would be just another near-impossible hill to climb.   
    “And you know what these mean,” Trowa continued in that soft tone of his, his long fingers tracing over the area where the worst of the cuts were on his left arm.  
    Heero didn’t understand the difference between those two questions, but Duo seemed to, and nodded a second time. He thought that he should say something to his best friend, should comfort him or be the one to talk him through this, but he was struck, as he had been in that past, by Trowa and Duo’s friendship. His old friend had this strange ability to bring the darkest secrets out of his new one, to see inside into those hidden places and reach in. Heero knew that what he had with Duo was special, that their friendship, although short, had grown deep, and that the American often felt as though Heero were the only person he could really confide in, but he also recognized kindred spirits when he saw them. He stayed quiet, knowing that Trowa might have the greatest success of drawing this out of Duo.  
    ‘They’re where I was cut when I was kidnapped,’ the longhaired boy typed, ‘I cut myself in the same exact spots.’  
    It was so strange typing that. ‘I cut myself.’ He knew that he had wounded himself. There was no one else but him responsible, no unseen entity, no aggressor. Just him. He had always known that, but to actually see it on the screen was the oddest thing for him. It struck him, just how stupid and crazy he was. He felt like there really was an alien thing that was calling his skin its home, forcing him to do these things.   
    “Duo,” Trowa grasped his hand, the Italian’s green eyes boring into his own, “please, you have to tell us what happened to you. Tell us something, _anything_. We know that Wes was the one who kidnapped you. We know that he hurt you, more than the bruises and the cuts, and that whatever he did to you was so terrible you can’t speak, and you keep trying to subconsciously punish yourself. We want you to come home, we want to help you. We can’t do that if we don’t know why you’re in so much pain.”  
    Looking into those deep, soft, green eyes, the words that Trowa said he wanted to hear were on his mute tongue. All of the things that Wes had done and said and promised him, the loneliness and fear and confusion he had felt… and the end result that had found him in Heero’s room, senseless and clutching that bloody knife all wanting to spill out into the air. He shook his head.  
    ‘I can’t,’ he typed.  
    “Why?” Heero asked in desperation, “Duo, you know you can tell us anything, we’ll never be ashamed of you, we’ll never judge you.”  
    Duo looked at him and there were tears in his eyes and Heero realized in horror that that fear was now directed at him. He felt like his stomach had just dropped into his shoes. The only other time he had ever looked at him like that… was when he had hit him.   
    ‘Please don’t make me.’  
    Heero ran a hand through his dark brown hair and Trowa sighed, the both of them knowing that with those simple four words, Duo had won. Trowa knew that even if he tried to force the issue, which with that look in both of his friends’ eyes he was not comfortable with doing, Heero wouldn’t let him. In his love for Duo, Heero was worse than his mother, wanting to protect the boy, even against his best interests if they had the possibility of hurting him. Duo saw his vulnerability as weakness, but Trowa recognized it as the powerful force that it could be.   
    Heero lightly touched Duo’s braid and was overjoyed to see that fear melt into relief and affection. He didn’t need to tell Duo that he wouldn’t make him tell them, wouldn’t push him when he wasn’t ready to be pushed, the boy understood.   
    “You look tired,” the Japanese boy noted the circles under Duo’s eyes, “I thought they were sedating you at night.”  
    ‘They do. I don’t sleep well though. I have nightmares. I sleep because of the drugs, but it never makes me feel rested.’  
    “Are you and Dr. Stephenson talking about the nightmares?” Heero asked.  
    Duo nodded. His nightmares were one of the few things that he could talk to the doctor about, since they were so vague.  
    ‘I don’t remember a lot of them,’ he typed truthfully, ‘But we discuss the ones I do. I’m sorry, we haven’t gotten very far-’  
    Heero put his hand over Duo’s to stop his typing.  
    “You don’t need to apologize. I know this is hard, and you’re trying even though you aren’t comfortable with talking to a complete stranger. I know you miss all of us and want to come home, but we don’t want to force you to say anything that you aren’t ready to say either.”  
    ‘I miss you,’ Duo mouthed and Heero’s smile was both warm and heartbreaking.  
    “I miss you, too,” he murmured and saw how deep his friend’s tiredness ran. He felt that same exhaustion, and hadn’t been sleeping well either.  
    “Your cuts aren’t serious,” Trowa interjected, starting to feel a bit awkward, like he was looking in on something private, “You could have done a lot more damage to yourself than you did in the amount of time it took for you to be discovered. I don’t think you have ever been trying kill yourself.”  
    ‘It doesn’t matter. Even if I’m not trying to kill myself, they won’t let me go home,’ Duo pointed out.  
    “Of course it matters,” Trowa chided, “You won’t tell us what the problem is, so even something like that helps lead us in the right direction. And it puts our minds at ease.”  
    Duo frowned. It didn’t matter to him if in these fits he was trying to kill himself or just trying to hurt himself. Either way it was crazy, a symptom of a broken mind, and he wouldn’t be able to go home like this. He didn’t see how this could put anyone’s mind at ease, either way he was damaging himself, cutting himself into pieces, and at some point, if just one time someone did not come to his rescue, he might make himself bleed to death. It was disconcerting. He had decided that he wanted to live, that he wanted to throw away that part of himself that had always succumbed to hopelessness. It was like some part of him was rebelling against all the healthy decisions he was trying to make.   
    ‘Where’s Mom?’ he typed, not wanting to talk about his injuries, or the reasons behind them, anymore.  
    He had no clue what time it was, if Heero and Trowa had already been on their way to visit them or they had been called because of this incident, but it unnerved him a little that she wasn’t there in either case.  
    “She apologizes, but it looks like she won’t be able to visit you today,” Trowa explained, “A last minute meeting came up.”  
    Duo raised an eyebrow at that. It seemed like she was going to more and more meetings lately.  
    ‘Is something wrong?’  
    Heero and Trowa shared a look and for a moment Duo was annoyed that they might not tell him something important.  
    “It isn’t a big deal,” Heero assured him, “It’s just… concerning what my uncle did…”  
    ‘Is he trying to get your mother demoted again?’ the longhaired boy’s fingers flew across the computer’s screen with a lot more deftness than someone who was supposed to be sedated should be capable of.   
    “No, it isn’t that,” Trowa said, “It’s the opposite actually.”  
    “Grandfather is concerned about Uncle’s actions and behavior towards my mother,” Heero told him, “He wants to take away his chair on the board and his shares, at the very least.”  
    ‘That’s good, isn’t it?’ Duo questioned, ‘Then he can’t question her leadership anymore.’   
    Not that he thought Mizu would. He had put everything he had into this scheme, but his father had more sense than him, obviously. Duo didn’t think that another attempt would yield anything either, but he easily remembered those black eyes looking at him, and the contempt and superiority in those depths. Taking away the power of a man like that could only be a good thing.  
    “Name is worried of what he will do if he is driven into a corner,” Trowa pointed out, “His action might seem extreme to us, but Mizu actually treaded very lightly because he didn’t want to get on his father’s bad side and lose his position in the company. If his status is taken away from him, he will no doubt blame Name. There’s no telling what he might do in retaliation.”  
    “Basically,” Heero sighed, “It’s a no win situation. Grandfather can’t just let my Uncle get away with this action unpunished. It would send the wrong message to his subordinates and members of the board. They might think that Grandfather is playing favorites or there is some validity to Uncle’s claims and he is trying to cover it up. But if the punishment is too severe, Uncle will find some way to lash out, maybe even try to convince other board members of his ideals and cause civil war within the company. The last thing Mom needs is people losing faith in her strength, absolutely nothing will get accomplished.”  
    Just thinking about the politics involved made Duo’s head hurt. Name was always so sure and strong, conducting her business with all of the iron will of a Valkyrie, while somehow straying far from being cruel. She made managing that huge company seem easy. It reminded him of how Wes had been able to lord over so many different avenues, all those drug deals, brothels, money laundering, and who knew what else he had done. Duo hadn’t understood any of that either without getting a migraine trying to. It would have been a mistake to see the man as a thug, but he knew that much of the police force did, and that was why they had never caught him.   
    His former guardian’s power hadn’t just been fear and force and death. Wes had been brilliant in his own way, able to manage so many underlings, transactions, and wealth for so many years, without a single chink in his armor. Name had that similar, unwavering ability. The both of them were… _had been_ masters of human behavior and finance. Her mind was just made for it, he supposed, and couldn’t imagine it being anything but a huge stress for her.   
    “Don’t worry about it,” Heero chided him lightly, “Mom will find her own answer, as she always does. You just focus on getting out here, ok? Don’t worry about any of us.”  
    Duo nodded.  
    ‘But how _is_ everyone doing? You guys never tell me,’ he dared to type.  
    He wasn’t an idiot. His friends and mom visited him every day, but all they ever talked about was him. How he was feeling. How his cats were doing. Was he sleeping? Was he dealing with the restraints and solitude ok? How were his therapy session progressing? But they never talked to him about what was happening in their lives outside these unchanging walls of his, beyond the most utterly banal of things. He knew that they didn’t want him to feel more anxious about getting out of here than he already was, or make him feel lonelier, but even if it made him long for things to go back to normal even more to the point of pain, he didn’t want to become disconnected from the people he loved anymore than he already had. He had spent weeks being disconnected from them in that closet, the notion of going back to them, of being a part of their lives again made his skin itch with eagerness and desperation.  
    “Everyone is fine,” Trowa said with that soft, kind smile he seemed to reserve only for Quatre, Duo, and the animals that he took care of, which recently included Duo’s cats, “It’s been very boring without you. Quatre and I have been going out a lot, walking around the town and taking long rides. Sometimes we even manage to bully this one,” he jerked his thumb at Heero who looked sullen, “into coming with us. Wufei comes along with us sometimes, too. He hasn’t heard much from Fai recently, but he’s been spending a lot of time helping out his parents around the house and trying to find a part time job.”  
    Duo looked curious at that. Wufei never really seemed to need much. Whenever they went shopping, the Chinese boy always followed them around silently, touching this thing and that, but Duo could count the times he had ever bought anything on one hand. It was mostly books, or when they went on movies together. Duo didn’t really know where he got the small amounts of money from, if it was allowance or he did chores around the house, but he never seemed to need any more of it, especially not enough to seek out a job.   
    Wufei spent most of his time, when he wasn’t hanging out with them, reading various books, some his parents had gifted him with here and others he had brought to America with him. Even if his friend didn’t know what he wanted to be in life, Duo knew that he would be great no matter what he chose. He was always studying any thing he read, he would probably get into a great college. He couldn’t imagine why he would want to spend time working some boring part time job if he didn’t really need it.  
    “I honestly don’t know what he’s thinking,” Trowa admitted, “All of the jobs that someone his age would be able to get, he will hate, and he knows that. I’m sure that any money he gets, he intends to use to get Fai out of China, if Fai eventually decides to leave his family.”  
    Duo nodded. He had been wallowing in his own problems for so long, even before his kidnapping, he had nearly forgotten how heart broken his friend must be over his boyfriend. He wished he could have done more, convinced Fai not to leave, but he knew how complicated the situation was. He knew, very well, no one could survive only on good intentions, that no matter how hurtful your family was, leaving them entirely was even more painful. Plus gaining citizenship these days was expensive and difficult.   
    He wanted to tell Wufei that if it really came down to that, he was sure that Name would help Fai financially, but he couldn’t assume that. He thought of her as his mother, but he wasn’t a Yuy. He was just as poor as he had always been, and really couldn’t help anyone on his own. At the same time that it made his heart ache knowing that Wufei and Fai were apart, he suddenly realized what balm on his own soul it had been to think about his friends if only for a moment. For the first time since he had been committed, he felt like things were as they used to be.  
    “I’ve been thinking a lot about what we talked about before,” his tall friend continued, “About me going to college.”  
    Trowa seemed almost shy as he said it.   
    ‘Did you look at those veterinarian schools I told you about?’ Duo typed.  
    Heero was totally lost as the two of them talked. He had had no idea that his friend was interested in that sort of thing, but it made sense. Quatre was only a year older than Duo, he should be going to high school along with him and Heero. With his wealth, it was easy to forget that. His blonde friend had been coddled and home schooled by the most brilliant tutors money could buy since he had been six years old. In both education and just natural intelligence, Quatre was further along than most college graduates. Heero had never had any tutors, his mother had believed that going to school with his kids his age would be good for him and give him some perspective instead of living in a shell.    
    Trowa had been mostly home schooled, too. His entire family had been traveling circus performers, touring Italy, France, Spain, and other European countries that opened their cities for the troupe, so to simply go to a public school had been an impossibility for Trowa when he had been little. He had been taught by everyone in the troupe, whatever subjects they were good at, and had learned a lot of useful things that few public schools could have taught him anyway.   
    After his parents had died and his uncle had become his guardian, he had stayed in one place long enough to go to school. But thanks to his bastard of an uncle, and the recent loss of his mother and father, plus being wrenched away from the family he had known his entire life, Trowa had developed a lot of behavioral problems in school. He had become quiet and withdrawn, falling far behind his classmates. Even after his uncle had been arrested and he had gone back to live with his sister and the circus, Trowa had not spoken a word to anyone for an entire month.   
    The way that Catherine had told the story to Heero once, part of the troupe, a Swedish man named Stephan, had been in charge of training the large cats they had had; five lions, two leopards, three tigers, a surly one eyed cougar, and a prima dona black jaguar. Despite his sister’s refusals, Stephan had tried to take Trowa under his wing and let him help train the felines. Trowa had taken to it better than any of his other tasks at the circus. Catherine had worried deeply about it, imagining her little brother, whom she had just gotten back, being devoured by one of the huge cats. When morning she had found the boy sleeping with his back to their largest male lion’s cage, well within range of one it’s huge paws or a quick, deadly nip, she had been horrified. But Trowa had just blinked up her sleepily and told her good morning for the first time in years. After that, he had started talking again, not very often, but he spoke when he had needed to.   
    So, Heero had known for a long time that his Italian friend loved animals. All he needed to do was watch him take care of Duo’s cats or the one that they had adopted from him. That he wanted to go to a vet school was not at all surprising, but that he was looking into going to college was. Between Quatre, Heero’s issues that led him being moved from school to school, and his family life had had Trowa never in one spot for long enough. Besides that, he personally did not have much money.   
    Because of Quatre’s own responsibilities, if Trowa _had_ wanted to go to school, it would have meant them being separated for quite some time. Heero remembered them fighting about it before, neither of them necessarily wanting to be separated for that long, but Trowa hated that Quatre was paying his way, and Quatre hated that Trowa wouldn’t let him pay for his education, a job, or whatever he needed to progress in his life. For Quatre, it was a gesture of love, for Trowa, a well meaning cage, and his blonde lover just couldn’t understand that.   
    When Trowa and Quatre had moved in with them, Heero had assumed that it was just a temporary thing, that they were visiting him to see how he was doing in his new home and spend some time with him. But now they had lived here for over half a year and didn’t appear to have any desire to move on. It was probably the longest the two of them had stayed still since they had started dating and Heero did not know yet what the implications of that would be. They offered Duo even more stability, which both of them understood, and with everything that had happened, they had both felt the same fear and loss that Heero had, the same desperation to be with their American friend.   
    Maybe that was why Trowa was considering going to college, because he was facing the possibility of putting down his roots here, or maybe it had been on his mind all this time, just waiting for the right moment to emerge. He hoped that whatever doubts his green eyed friend have concerning his education and his relationship, Duo could put to rest, or at least temper. He didn’t want Quatre’s reliance on Trowa, the one person that had helped him with the conflict between his self identity and his father, to keep Trowa from feeling fulfilled.  
    “The local ones don’t look that great,” Trowa replied honestly, “They’re more like trade school, or first stepping stones for those that need financial aid. Angelus University, that one in Bangor, looked a lot more promising.”  
    ‘It’s expensive,’ Duo confessed, ‘and a long commute from here, but it has a good reputation. If you’re serious about wanting to get into veterinary care, and don’t want to look in another state, I think that one is the best option.’  
    “Thank you, Duo,” his tall friend patted his hand, “I’ll think about it.”  
    Trowa was smiling softly at him, and it made the long haired boy smile a little, too.   
    “They’ll be coming back in soon,” Heero warned, realizing that they had been in here by themselves for quite some time, “before I forget…”  
    He dug a cell phone out of his pocket and handed it to Duo. His friend took it gingerly, looking confused.  
    “Mom wanted to give this to you herself, but she didn’t want to wait any longer,” Heero told him, “I couldn’t find your old one on you and we wanted an easy way for you to get a hold of us.”  
    ‘If anything were to happen.’ Heero didn’t say it, but Duo knew that he and his mother had been thinking about the possibility breaking in here, or sending someone to do it for him.   
    ‘It broke,’ Duo typed on the computer as he examined the new cell phone, not explaining how it broke and knowing that he didn’t really need to.   
    His old phone had been thicker, an older styled one that Name had just bought him for emergencies on a whim. This new one was slim with a clear, plane glass screen like how Quatre’s computer was, and a black backing. With just a tap of the screen, the key board, another simple glass face, slid out from the bottom. Even though it was nicer than his other phone, it reminded him of how he had felt when Wes had crushed his old one. That phone had saved his and Heero’s life when Chris had left them to die, so it was hard not to feel the loss of it. Realistically, it was just a small thing in the long line of things Wes had taken from him, so why did it bring this terrible wave of bitterness out in him?  
    “I already put all our phone numbers in there,” Heero said, “I don’t care what time it is, if you need to talk to any of us…”  
    Duo smiled at him.  
    ‘Thank you, Heero, and thank Mom for me.’  
    “You can thank her yourself,” his best friend admonished, “She’s going to try to be here tomorrow.”  
    Duo stiffened a little at a knock at his door. Dr. Stephenson came in, all by herself, Mrs. Chang having left to return to her duties.  
    “I’m sorry, but Duo needs his rest. I’m going to need to sedate you again,” she told the violet eyed boy, actually sounding apologetic.  
    ‘I understand,’ he typed, but he seemed quiet and morose suddenly, if such a thing was possible to tell with his muteness.   
    Trowa leaned over and kissed the top of Duo’s head, making the other boy blush a little.   
    “We’ll be back tomorrow,” he promised, like he always did, “If you like.”  
    He didn’t ask Dr. Stephenson if they would be allowed to visit tomorrow, after this recent turn of events. Duo nodded. He didn’t know what was going to happen, what his doctor wanted to do now that things had gotten this far, and it scared him a little thinking about it. His world had been turned upside down again, and all he could do was grasp at every little thing that had remained the same.   
    Trowa left, nodding to Duo’s doctor, but Heero lingered behind, watching his best friend struggle to put his new phone safely into the drawer of the table next to his bed. He looked so tired, fumbling with the drawer, wincing as the motion of pulling it open pulled at his slashes, his hands weak from the blood loss and drugs remaining in his system. Again, not for the first time and in their friendship and most likely not the last either, Heero wondered if his friend was on the verge of breaking. He had, in parts, and this latest… whatever this was, was certainly not the first time it had happened, but he was still _here_ , still with them. If not whole, the most important parts of him had remained in tact. But for how long?   
    “Dr. Stephenson, I know it’s against procedure,” he said slowly and cautiously, “but I would like your permission to stay with Duo tonight.”  
    Duo’s eyes went wide at that, while his therapist looked pensive and hesitant, Heero took that as a good sign. At least she was considering what he was asking instead of an outright no.   
    “It _is_ against procedure,” she said firmly, “You aren’t a patient here, and therefore not subject to a lot of our rules. Duo’s room is going to remained locked tonight, as we do every night. After this latest attempt, we cannot risk the possibility that in one of his trances, even sedated, he,” she looked at Duo, speaking as though she were asking him a question, “might be able to get out of his restraints and leave his room.”  
    ‘It’s possible,’ Duo typed, ‘my father taught me how to pick locks and get through certain methods of restraint. I might subconsciously be able to do it. I don’t think I could, those aren’t the kind of restraints he taught me to get out of, but it isn’t impossible I guess.’  
    Dr. Stephenson looked hopelessly perplexed by his statement, unable to understand what he was saying. She knew a little about his relationship with his ‘father’ thanks to Mrs. Yuy, but couldn’t fathom why he would teach him any of those things. Heero knew his friend well, though, and he knew Wes well through him. He knew that Wes hadn’t just had Duo whore for him, that the bastard had forced him to peddle and move drugs for him, help conduct subterfuge against what police Wes hadn’t bought off, and who knew what else. Heero had no doubt in his mind that Wes had taught him to pick locks to steal, and to get out of restraints like handcuffs on the chance that another john would have tried to steal Duo, or he had been arrested for hooking, just never the restraints that he had put on Duo himself.   
    “I don’t mind,” Heero assured her, “I just want to stay with him tonight. I will leave first thing in the morning, if that’s what you think is best. I’ll respect all of your rules, I’ll even help make sure he doesn’t have another incident tonight.”  
    She regarded the Japanese boy for a moment and it made him feel like he did when his mother looked at him like that, trying to decide if he was guilty of something.   
    “Is this what you want?” she asked Duo softly.  
    He nodded.  
    ‘Please, Doctor,’ he begged, ‘I’d rest a lot better if I knew Heero was watching over me. I won’t feel comfortable having an orderly watch me when I sleep and I’ll feel anxious about having another fit.’  
    Stephenson sighed and Heero knew that they had her.  
    “I can’t spare a bed for you,” she warned Heero, “and I need for you to stay here the entire night, not just because the door will be locked. I would like you to keep an eye on him, see how he acts when he’s asleep and let me know if you see anything I might need to know, if that’s ok,” she asked Duo.  
    Duo knew it for the soft-handed blow that it was. She didn’t want him to feel that she was asking his friend to spy on him, but it was also his fault for not telling her what she needed to know to help him, so Heero was the last avenue that she could go through, besides installing cameras in Duo’s room. Duo was kind of scared of anyone seeing what he was like when he went into these fits. He didn’t want to know, and he especially didn’t want to see it, let alone let Heero see it. Would he give himself away, would Heero be able to tell what Duo refused to tell him? But he was so scared. Scared of falling asleep, afraid of being alone. He needed Heero, for as long as he was willing to stay by his side.   
    ‘Ok,’ he typed.   
    “Thank you,” Heero said solemnly.  
    “Don’t thank me, you’re going to have a long night,” Stephenson warned, “You’re the one doing me a favor. If we don’t figure this out, I’m going to have to take more drastic measures,” again her eyes looked to Duo, almost as if she were cautioning him of what would happen if he didn’t start being honest with her, “Just don’t tell Dr. Stark I did this. That man is insufferable when he _does_ get his way. I don’t know what you boys did to him, but I hope it was something really good. He’s been a thorn in pediatrics for years.”  
    Heero chuckled.  
    “I promise, neither of us want to talk to him anymore than we have to,” he vowed.   
    “Good,” she took a red, hand-sized case from her lab coat and withdrew a syringe, “Now, I know you hate needles-”  
    Duo sighed in submission and presented his arm for him. She smiled warmly, patting him on the shoulder. Heero held his other hand. The longhaired boy winced when the needle went in, but that was the only sign he made that he was uncomfortable. His friend went to the bathroom and Stephenson checked his bandages before she left, locking the door closed behind her. It would have felt like she was his jailor, and this room his cell if Heero hadn’t been sitting by his bedside.  
    ‘I’m sorry,’ he told Heero, ‘It isn’t going to be very comfortable.’  
    “I volunteered,” the Japanese boy reminded him, “I want to be here, stiff back or not,” he squeezed Duo’s hand.   
    ‘Thank you.’  
    Heero smiled at him, wishing that he could give him more than that.   
    “It will be ok, Duo,” he promised, “I know you’re scared, we all are, but we’ll figure this out, even if you won’t tell us what the matter is.”  
    Duo nodded, but it did little to make Heero feel better. He couldn’t imagine how frightening it had been for him, learning what he had done to himself, that the enemy he was fighting in here was not Wes, but his own self. He could say things like nothing had changed, but hearing that his friend was certain of the reason why he was hurting himself, and was mute, but refused to tell anyone out of fear and shame did not just hurt. It rattled him. Every instinct was screaming at him to help his best friend, but how could he do that when Duo was valuing his secret more than his freedom and mental health?  
    “Sleep,” he urged, “I’ll watch over you and make sure nothing happens, ok? Do you think you can?”  
    Duo nodded, making a face like he was chuckling, though it was soundless, like everything else he did.  
    ‘Don’t think I have a choice,’ he pointed out, already starting to look drowsy.  
    The drugs were hitting him hard now, probably because of the blood loss. He was scared of what would happen in his sleep, but he trusted Heero to watch over him, like he always did, and it was getting hard to keep his eyes open. He gestured to the cuffs attached to the bed that he was always secured with at night.   
    “I know,” Heero said sadly.  
    He wished that it could be avoided, but he didn’t know what Duo was like during these fits, if he was as calm as Stark claimed, or if he exhibited more aggressive behavior. He just couldn’t risk the possibility that Duo might be able to over power him, or sneak past him. This was the safest course. Heero secured Duo’s thin wrists in the cuffs, feeling like the worst sort of person as he did so. He just kept repeating ‘it’s for his own good’ over and over in his head. He helped him get comfortable, as much as he could restrained like that, and placed the computer on the bedside table.   
    Duo looked up at him with half lidded eyes that were slightly glazed over from the drugs, but they were still beautiful. Heero was suddenly struck by an anger that was very deep, but not aggressive or with rage. Just anger at all of this. Looking at the boy he loved, tied down and drugged, he remembered Trowa’s smile. A smile that he hadn’t seen on his tall friend’s face since Duo had been kidnapped, a smile that not even his own boyfriend had been unable to bring out in him.   
    Heero leaned over, brushed Duo’s bangs back, and kissed him on the forehead. It was so like what Name would do, for a moment Duo could see her in him, very clearly.  
    “We need you to come home,” his blue eyed friend whispered, and Duo shuddered, but in only had partially to do with the feel of his lips on his skin.   
    Not just him, or his mother, but all of them. This balance they had found here… this… family they had somehow formed out of dust and chaos, needed him back, not here in this place.   
    ‘I want to, I want to come home, but I don’t know how,’ Duo wanted to say, but he was falling, his eyes closing, and he didn’t have the computer anyway.  
    ‘Why won’t you tell us?’ Heero’s voice in his head, although he knew it wasn’t really his friend’s. It was that other voice.  
    ‘Because I can’t bear to lose anything else,’ was his last thought before he let himself be swept up.  
  
  
End Part 19


	66. The Second Son Part 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero stays the night with Duo, but what will he see? Will Duo hurt himself again, or will Heero help him find something that he's lost?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 20  
  
    Heero wasn't quite sure what he had been expecting when he had asked Dr. Stephenson to stay the night with Duo, but it had been far different from reality. At night the ward was as quiet and still as a tomb. Even on the rural street where they lived, there were always subtle sounds of life, the wind rustling through the magnolia tree that grew in their yard, the hooting of an owl or, lately in the recent summer weather, the high pitched chirps of bats. Sometimes Heero could hear frogs and crickets before he dozed off, cars driving past the house, or the soft sounds of their neighbors taking their dogs out for walks. Tiny sounds that were so insignificant, he had never really thought of them. They weren't loud or bothersome, and he had not cared beyond that. But as insignificant as they were, they were proof of the world outside of his home, evidence of other people, animals, their lives and comings and goings.  
    Heero had never thought that he might miss those sounds. But here in the ward, the quiet was deafening. There were no sounds of life beyond the light footsteps of an orderly or the shuffling of the patients that were allowed out of their rooms this late. There was no screaming or crying, or even the muted sounds of talking. He started to wonder how Duo could stand it before he remembered that his friend was always sedated at night. That was probably a good thing. The orb was the only thing beyond the moonlight coming from the window that lit up the room. Heero desperately hoped that the familiarity of that glow had been as comforting to Duo in his time here as it was to himself right now. Without it, he couldn't imagine his friend sleeping very well if he wasn't sedated. Although, even with it and without the drugs, he probably wouldn't be sleeping at all anyway.  
    As much as Heero yearned to speak to his best friend and hated that he had to be put to sleep like this, the drugs were a kind of blessing. He could watch him, truly watch and look at him, and move around and hold his hand without ever worrying about disturbing his sleep. Watching Duo fall asleep under their influence was like watching someone turn off a light with a dimmer switch. The longhaired boy just kind of... petered out and didn't so much as twitch or make a sound. It was both terrible and a relief. Some sleep, even if it was a drugged sleep, was better than Duo tossing and turning for most of the night.  
    Heero didn't know what was worse; being at home, so far away from the boy he loved, feeling his absence like a stake in his heart, not knowing what was happening to him, how he was doing or feeling, or being here with him. He couldn't even begin to understand what Duo felt like, being locked up here. He only saw him one time a day, and he really didn't know what it felt like to be trapped in a place, not because someone was keeping him there like in Boston, but because of his own problems. He wasn't sure, if their roles were reversed, Heero wouldn't be bitter towards his mother and friends for leaving him here. The amount of patience and understanding Duo had continued to amaze him.  
    Lying still and bound on the bed, his best friend looked so fragile, and so small. His arms looked the skinniest they had been since they had first taken him in, a testament to his time in Wes' care, even if it hadn't been as long this time. With the worst of the infections gone, and three meals a day, Duo wasn't losing any more weight, but he wasn't gaining any of it back, either. His skin was almost as pale as the bandages wrapped around his arms and although they were hidden away, Heero could still see those cuts, the red slashes on white skin, deep and terrible.  
    Heero was suddenly struck with an incredible, emotional agony. It felt like Duo was fading away from him, vanishing and slipping through his very fingers. No matter what Heero did or said, no matter how much he fought, more and more pieces of the boy he loved seemed to erode away from the demons of his childhood, demons that never went away. Wes had been right. In reality, Heero couldn't protect Duo.  
    Tears streamed down his cheeks and he placed his hand on top of Duo's, just lightly at first, but when the American didn't respond to his touch, he curled his larger hand around the slender one, grasping it lightly. He felt so helpless, like he had back in Boston. Duo was in pain and needed help, but he couldn't figure out a way to make things better. He couldn't even promise Duo that he would make sure Wes wouldn't hurt him anymore. That bastard kept rubbing his face in just what little power he had, that for all his efforts, in a lot of ways he was even more of a child than Duo. Even if they got past this and the chestnut haired boy spoke again and stopped hurting himself, how long would it be, how long of a respite would his friend have before it was all stolen away from them again?  
    If he couldn't save Duo from Wes, how could he possibly save him from himself? Heero sobbed into his other hand. He wanted Duo to come home, he wanted his family back. He hated coming here, wondering if Duo was going to be sad that day, or try to pretend everything was ok. Duo was his friend, he was supposed to be helping him come back from this, but he had no idea how to fix this! He didn't even know what was wrong.  
    But what scared him the most was remembering all the things Duo had told him about his past, all of those terrible things he had offered up... What could be so much worse that he refused to talk about it now?  
  
*****  
  
    Duo walked over the snow covered ground with no sense of urgency, just a calm that he so seldom felt. He knew where he was going and what was waiting for him just like he knew that this was a dream. Snow fell gently from a black sky, covering the ground with a powdery carpet that should have hurt his bare feet, but he didn't even feel the cold. There were no lights in the dark night, but he could somehow see in the perfect clarity. This wasn't any alley or street that he recognized, just a vast space of blackness and snow, but it didn't frighten him.  
    Yuki was there ahead of him, gracefully kneeling in the snow. He wasn't how he had been in the other dream, his friend looked like he had when he had been in life, his skin pale but not bloodless, wearing a pale grey and blue kimono, his long hair falling over one slender shoulder. The snow did not seem to bother him either. He looked as serene and perfect as Duo imagined angels were supposed to appear. The Japanese boy looked up at him with a soft expression. He was so less frightening and horrible than he had been in the other dream Duo had had of him, but his presence now scared him. He wondered what terrible thing his subconscious wanted to tell him now. And yet, it felt like all those other times he and Yuki had talked. It was comforting, and it was painful, reminding Duo how much he missed those talks, the lyrical sound of his quiet and patient friend. He also felt a sharp pang of guilt at how his head had painted him in his nightmare.  
    "I forgive you, Duo," Yuki said with a soft smile, as though he had read his mind and Duo had to remind himself that all of this was just in his head, "You know that I always have and I always will."  
    "You're dead, Yuki," Duo said morosely, and wondered if he was reminding Yuki of that or himself, "I don't need to be forgiven by you."  
    "That's right," Yuki said sadly, "I am dead, but you aren't. So why are you obsessing about the dead? You're _alive_. You can do all the things that Sunshine, Helen, and I can never do again," his brown eyes softened, "Please, Duo, let go of Wes. Stop punishing yourself for the past."  
    Duo watched in alarm as Yuki disappeared and almost, foolishly, chased after him though he knew that that was impossible.  
    "He's right you know."  
    Duo whirled and met Shi's calm, red stare.  
    "You think that the reason why you can't talk, and the reason why you keep hurting yourself is because you're punishing yourself for killing Wes. But that isn't entirely true. Deep down, you realize that. All of this is because of the guilt you feel for how you've lived your entire life, for letting Wes treat you like an animal, for letting him rape you, for staying with that monster for so long," Shi frowned, seeming oblivious to how his words shook Duo to the core, "You are at the crossroads of letting go of your old life, but you're clinging on to it by refusing to speak and injuring yourself. It's like clinging to a corpse. If you want a life with Heero," his blonde friend told him with a stony voice, "if you want what we can't have, you _have_ to let go of that meaningless guilt. There is no other way."  
  
*****  
  
    Duo woke slowly, still partially drugged, with Shi's words ringing in his ears. His head was pounding and his mouth was painfully dry, but he barely noticed either. Even with the sedative, he remembered his dream in perfect clarity, the desperation in Yuki's voice, the feeling of snow under his bare feet that was somehow familiar to him, and Shi's sad, ruby eyes. This dream had been nowhere near as terrible as others he had had. It had been short, almost brusque, as though even his mind was sick of beating around the bush with him.  
    Even still, he felt shaken. It seemed like he only dreamed of his old friends when his subconscious was trying to tell him something that his conscious mind was either incapable of realizing, or unwilling to acknowledge. Duo wondered why that was, both why he was using his memories of his friend to tell him these things, and why his subconscious was capable of realizing those things when he didn't seem able to. Perhaps it was because whenever he was in real trouble, or needed someone to talk to, he had always sought out Shi and Yuki, Shi for his brutal, sometimes cruel honesty, and Yuki for his patient, unbiased understanding.  
    Duo had read somewhere once that the human mind would do anything to protect itself. Maybe, in that regard, the two parts of his mind were always at war with each other. The conscious part of him had spent his entire life shoving all manner of disturbing, painful thoughts and memories deep down inside, where they could hurt him just a little bit less. But maybe now his subconscious understood it was time for those terrible things to come to the surface, using his dreams as a medium.  
    Were Shi and Yuki... was his subconscious right? Was he punishing himself, not just for killing Wes, for becoming a monster, but also because he loathed himself for trying to leave his past behind... for leaving _Wes_ behind? And for his guilt in hurting himself, for willingly staying with the man all those years, letting him corrupt him and drive him into this corner? He had let Wes turn him into an animal, and had almost let him convince him to leave the only _real_ family he had ever known. He hadn't, but it had been a close thing. It had been a close thing, nearly throwing his new life away. And for what? For _what_?  
    In that moment, he couldn't remember why he had almost said yes to his abuser, why he had seemed so sure that that might be his best choice. Even though he was crazy, hurting himself and unable to speak, his family was still surrounding him, still caring. When he looked at it objectively, distanced himself from his twisted up feelings, it was simple. When he had seen Name for the first time after five days in that closet, he had felt only joy, happiness, and a love that had driven him to relieved tears. When he had seen Wes after being apart from him for several months, he had felt love, yes. But compared to the tidal wave he had felt for his mother, the love he had felt at the sight of his father had just been a spark, a jolt in the wave of other emotions. Mostly, he had felt hate and fear and pain. All it really boiled down to was which emotion he wanted to not only wake up to every day, but let shape the rest of his life. Love or fear. Joy or hate. His entire childhood had been shaped and molded by fear, and now he was tired. For his adult life... he wanted to see what love would feel like.  
    And yet, even though he could see that objectively, and logically knew what the best course for him was, when he let all those feelings back in, he wondered if he could have stayed away from Wes if he hadn't killed him. Would he have lived his life in doubt, wondering what might have been, missing his abuser like he missed him now, but tempted to run back to him where he couldn't possibly be now?  
    'It was self-defense,' he tried to assure himself as a doubt blossomed in his heart, a terrible, suspicious doubt, 'I was just looking for a way to get him off of me, I didn't mean to kill him.'  
    'You're full of shit,' the voice in his head repeated, 'He was on top you, yes, but he wasn't strangling you anymore. He _let go_ _of you_. You knew he was going to forgive you, just like he always did. He wasn't going to kill you, and that was worse. An endless cycle. You were defending yourself, but not from a man choking you. Tell yourself that, but don't lie and say you didn't mean it. You knew _exactly_ what you were doing. _His knife_ , the same knife he used on you your entire life. Are you trying to tell yourself that you didn't recognize the feel of its handle, the nicks there, the weight of it? What did you think you were holding, when you had spent so much time looking for a weapon in that closet? You _knew_ , yet you still swung that blade at his throat.'  
    Revulsion filled Duo's heart and he felt tears track down his cheeks, but he didn't deny a single thing the voice said. He couldn't, because that voice was him, just like Shi and Yuki in his dreams were really him. He might be mentally unstable, but he could admit that now. All those things that voice had said to him, they were only the truths that he knew, even if he was too stubborn and blind to see them on his own.  
    He had told himself that he had killed Wes in self defense, that he hadn't really meant to, but he had always known deep down that what had happened was not that simple. The Shi in his dream had told him that he had to let go of his guilt. _All_ of his guilt. Not just the guilt over trying to abandon his old life, or his guilt over turning himself into a victim when he should have been looking for a way out. Not even just the guilt of murdering the man that had raised him, but also the guilt he had hidden even from himself. That after all this time, all the years of abuse and terrors, after insisting to all of his friends that he didn't want justice against Wes, did not want any more violence in his life, that he was content to just move on with his life, some part of him had wanted to hurt the man.  
    That realization was horrible. Duo knew what it was like to be in pain, to be hit and cut and burned, to be violated. He had told himself, over and over and over that he could never do that, be violent towards someone. He could never hate anyone so much to wish that pain on them. But that was a lie. As the years had passed him by, little by little, hate and anger had filled him. Wes' very special brand of poison. He hadn't let himself see it, but that rage had been there, that _hurt_.   
    He had felt it locked up in that dark closet. At the same time that he had realized the true extent of the damage his relationship with Wes had done to who he was, his soul and heart and being, that anger and hurt had surged in him. That moment when he had hit him with the tree branch to save Wufei's life had felt good. At the time he had thought it was pride at having finally stood up to his abuser, but now he wasn't so sure. That moment when he had kicked Wes in the throat, however... he couldn't deny the dark joy it had made him feel, to finally be the one to hurt the bastard, to be the one causing the pain. He would never forgive himself for feeling those things, anymore than he would forgive himself for taking a life. But...  
    'Did I kill him because I wanted revenge for all the things he did to me, or did I kill him to make sure that, no matter what I feel for him, love or hate, I could never ever go back to him?' Duo wondered.  
    He felt his body shake at his thoughts. Shi had told him exactly what he had needed to hear, not to pick himself up when he had been floundering in the dark, but to kick him in the ass. It was exactly the sort of thing the real Shi would have said to him if he had been here. If he wanted to talk again, if he wanted to be with Heero, he only needed to let go of his guilt, let go of the past and move on.  
    But _how_? How could he possibly do that when every second he could see Wes' dead, accusing stare in his head? How could he when he spent whole waking moments wondering what could have been if he had realized what he had in that closet when he had been a child and ran away from Wes? How could he let go when every time he looked in a mirror now, he felt such revulsion, knowing what he had done, what he had _felt_ , and not knowing what would happen if his family found out? They were all he had, how could he put that in jeopardy over the truth? Bad enough they found out he had killed Wes. How would they react if they knew he had killed him because some part of him had wanted him dead, even when he had had the chance to simply injure Wes and walk away?  
    'You couldn't have. Whether you had killed him or not, knowing what you know now, knowing what you want and what he would have done to you, could you really have walked away from him?'  
    An image flashed in his head; the kitchen of his house splashed with blood, and Heero, Name, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei's body sprawled on the floor, bullet wounds in their heads. Their eyes, dead and flat, stared up at him like Wes' had. The image had his stomach reeling and he almost vomited.  
    'What if you killed him because you knew that no matter what you chose to do, death was the only road? Maybe you realized the truth, that if you escaped that closet like you had planned, it wouldn't be you that he would come after. After all, it's like you said, _they're all you have left_. What would be standing between him and having you again without them?'  
    Duo sobbed silently and wished his hands weren't cuffed so he could wipe away his tears. He blinked in confusion as he heard crying in the room, but knew it wasn't his own. Even in the dark Duo could see Heero's form next to his bed. He was hunched over, unable to see that Duo was awake. His shoulders were shaking hard as he cried, his hands clenched in his lap. Watching him cry, when Heero always seemed so sure, so collected, so _strong_ , it was heart breaking.  
    'It will be ok, Heero. I'm trying, I really am. I don't think I'll ever have the strength to tell you the truth. I'm trying to find it, but even though I know what I want, how I want to live the rest of my life, I'm too scared to tell you the truth. But I'll find a way to stop this, so please, please don't cry,' Duo tried to say but even after his dream, and knowing that what Shi had said was right, no sound came from his throat.  
    He only felt that tight pain, like there was a brick wall between his voice and his tongue. Frustration stabbed at him. He wanted to go home, and he was starting to understand the real reasons why he had killed his father, so why was he still unable to speak?! What was this... this mental block trying to do? What was the point of punishing himself when he felt the desperate need to shed this horrible guilt he felt, when he ached so much for home? He just wanted to comfort his best friend and he couldn't even do that! He wanted to throw things, to try to force the words to come out of his mouth until his throat was full of blood. He felt so pathetic, and so weak. He didn't even have control over his own body.  
    "Please, stop hurting yourself," he heard Heero whisper.  
    Duo's heart quickened, but the Japanese boy was still looking at his hands, his eyes downcast. His voice sounded horrible, all rough and deep, and Duo realized he must have been crying for a very, very long time.  
    "Whatever happened when that bastard kidnapped you, I don't blame you," his best friend said hoarsely, his voice still full of unshed tears, "I'll _never_ blame you, you have to know that. I'm just so happy you survived."  
    Heero's shoulders trembled and Duo watched in grief as more tears slide down his cheeks.   
    "He's still winning," the blue eyed boy whispered, and the frustration and fear in his voice was gut wrenching, "Wes is still winning, still controlling you. But I know what he doesn't, that you're strong enough, _more_ than strong enough to beat this, to survive anything he could think of doing to you!"  
    He was right, Duo knew. His best friend didn't know that his abuser was dead, but he was as right as he ever was. He was hurting himself, physically and mentally, because he hated what he had done, he hated that, at the end of their relationship, he had become Wes in that moment. He had murdered another human being. He had been able to come to terms with the likelihood that Wes would one day kill him, but he had never really considered that one day he might kill someone himself, let alone Wes. He had done the worst thing he had ever done, and now Duo was sure he had done it in anger.   
    Maybe that anger had been justified. Duo had matured and grown enough these last few months to understand the true monstrosity of Wes' abuse, and that the man should have been punished for what he had done to him. But although he might, one day, accept that rage, he could never justify what he had done in that closet, could never forgive himself. Some part of himself was punishing himself, that old child that was the ancient remnant of Wes' upbringing, because Wes no longer could.  
    But he was also punishing himself for it because he was terrified, terrified of a world without his guardian. He had often wished that Wes would just vanish, that he would stop haunting him, but he had always assumed he would be there, a sinister presence. He had never actually thought he would just be gone like this. It was a strange, almost unbelievable feeling. Before he had moved in with Name and Heero, Wes had been the only constant in his life for eight years, more than half his life, the only thing he had ever had any surety about was that Wes would be there, looming over him. So how could he be gone? That face frightened him like the bottom had dropped out of the world.  
    In their last moments together, Duo had rejected Wes. He had rejected every bit of him, his telling him that he was worthless as anything other than a whore, that he deserved the beatings and rapes, that he was stupid and didn't deserve to be loved, that his only path was with Wes. He had rejected the man out loud and, more importantly in his heart. And he had rejected Wes' sentiments of love, finally acknowledging them as the different gesture of abuse that they were.  
    But even knowing that, he couldn't stop thinking about it. For the first time in their relationship, Wes had been gentle with him those last five days they had been together, and the dark, twisted part of himself that was still that child from so long ago had wanted to believe in him because he hadn't wanted to let Wes go. He hadn't wanted to choose between his past and his future, even though the mature part himself that had been born from care and love and self-understanding had known that his father's words had just been pretty delusions.  
    Duo knew, especially after the dream he had just had and looking at Heero now, that he was punishing himself because that child inside of his head that was still a product of war, beaten and loyal to Wes, hated him for destroying the only link between his present and his past left. He had lost Sister Helen and her cross, Sunshine and Yuki, and did not know if he would ever see Solo and the others again. Wes was all that child had had. This self-mutilation and muteness wasn't just about the murder. It was about telling Wes no. It was about finally making the decision to move on, to break the cycle of abuse, both the abuse Wes had put him through and the abuse he had put _himself_ through. He even thought that it was possible this would have happened even if he hadn't stabbed Wes. Maybe it wouldn't have happened as dramatically and suddenly, but when he turned his back to Wes and his past, without realizing what that really meant, he had insured this would happen.   
    He felt like when he plunged that knife into Wes' throat, he hadn't just killed the Boogieman, but also that child inside of him, and he was terrified of what that meant. He felt lost, so very lost. Who was he? He suddenly didn't know. His childhood had been forged in blood and nightmares. What was still real for him, what parts were really _him_ and what parts had he discarded with the choice he had made?  
    Duo looked at Heero in the dark. Seeing him there, those familiar blue eyes and tussled hair, he felt such an intense clarity, his doubts about killing Wes and moving on away from his past made of nothing more than mist and vapor. Had they ever been made of anything solid, or had he let smoke fill the holes in his heart, guilt and fear just a substitute for Wes' darkness?  
    Wes had been delusional, he realized. Duo had struggled to decide between the love that Wes claimed to have for him, and Name's love. How could he have been so stupid? Name and Heero had promised him the world. They had promised him love and safety, a chance at something better. Wes had promised him those same things, but how could he have loved him while he had been promising him those kind things, he had only hurt him? If Name and Heero's love had ever hurt him, it had only been a good hurt. The kind of hurt that came with growing up.  
    Only Heero and Name had ever kept their promises to him. Wes had lied, to Duo and to himself in ever thinking he could give him what Name and Heero had already proven they could. Heero had told him over and over that the abuse hadn't been any of his fault, that he deserved better than that. He had tried so hard to believe that, but in mutilating himself, he was just continuing Wes' abuse. He was falling into the same patterns that he had lived in for eight years, because it was safe and normal to him.  
    He couldn't lie to himself and say he was doing this to punish himself. Some part of him was trying to, but where was the justice in this? How was he really punishing himself? There should be consequences for what he had done, he knew that, but he had struggled so much and come so far. How could he just give up and allow his self-abuse to continue to distance him from the reasons why he had felt pushed to lash out at Wes in the first place? He wasn't punishing himself for his actions, he was just causing himself pointless pain, and worse, he was hurting Heero.  
    Heero had been by his side all these months, even when things had gotten truly horrible and most other people would have given up on him. Heero hadn't. He had dragged him through the muck and his friend was _still_ trying to save him from the abuse. Heero didn't deserve his pain. No matter what his own reasons were for the mutilation, Duo couldn't bare hurting him and scaring him like this.  
    'I don't deserve this,' Duo told himself, as though he were talking to that subconscious part of himself that had been cutting and stabbing him in his sleep, 'I don't deserve this pain and isolation.'  
    Pain from years of verbal and emotional abuse and Wes' training ripped through his head. He heard a thousand voices screaming at him that he was wrong. He deserved the muteness. He deserved the cuts on his arms. He was trash, a whore, a murderer, he did not deserve this new start, he should be _punished_. But amidst all of them, Duo heard Heero's soft voice the loudest.  
    'You're my best friend... You deserve the best... I will never leave you...'  
    'I am not a bad person,' Duo told himself, his best friend's voice like a shield around his heart, 'Wes was wrong. I'm smart and kind, that's what Heero always says. I love my family. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want to live my life. I've done terrible things, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be hurt. I let rage and hate control me, and I took a life. I should be held responsible for that. But not like this. If I am to be judged and held responsible, then how I'm punished is not up to me. I can't hurt my family anymore, I can't hurt myself. I've been doing that my entire life and it's only brought me _here_. I have to stop running away. I can't let go of my guilt like Shi told me to, I can never forgive myself, but I won't let Wes control me anymore. He can't hurt me, never again. It's time to go home.'  
    Duo felt more tears track down his face at Heero's own continued tears.  
    'I've been a shitty friend,' he thought, scared to try and talk, 'You've always been there when I've needed you, you promised me you would never give up on me, but I've always been too scared to promise anything to you.'  
    "I won't leave you."  
    Heero's head shot up, his ocean eyes wide with shock as he heard the familiar voice echo in the deathly still room. The same voice he would have given up his right arm to hear again. He stared at his best friend, fearing that it had all been in his head, his desperate heart playing tricks on him. Duo looked terrible, somehow worse than when he had been knocked out. Heero hadn't thought it possible that the longhaired boy could get any paler, but he had, like a corpse in the dark room. His best friend looked the way he did when he woke up from a particularly bad dream, disturbed and shaken. His white cheeks were as wet with tears as Heero's were, but his violet eyes were bright and vibrant.  
    "I'll never leave you, Heero," Duo's voice was rough from not having used it in weeks and from crying, but there was strength and resolve in it, "I promise, I'll always be here."  
    Heero felt a sob of relief and love force it's way out of his throat, but he refused to acknowledge it, even as his heart beat out its excitement at hearing Duo's voice and his promise. He knew without his friend having to say another word that he meant more than what he was literally saying. Duo was never going to run away from him again... in all of the ways that meant.  
    "Duo," Heero realized that the both of them were silently crying again.  
    There were a thousand things he wanted to say and ask. Why did he look so upset? Why was he talking again? Was he ok? But none of those things seemed important in that moment. Duo was talking. He wasn't even forcing the words out or in pain, but actually _talking_. What more could he ask for? Dr. Stephenson had told them his muteness and self-mutilation were linked, so didn't this mean they could finally take him home, where he belonged? Finding out why he had been unable to talk didn't matter anymore.  
    'Of course it does,' he knew, but he was too scared that asking that question might make him stop talking again. And he was far too scared of the answer. Instead of saying what was on the tip of his tongue, Heero simply placed his hand over Duo's bound one. As pale as he was, his skin was blessedly warm.  
    "Are you all right?" Heero finally found his voice, which sounded almost as bad as Duo's did.  
    It sounded like such a stupid question to his ears, even if Duo was speaking again, he knew he wasn't ok. But this was the very first time since his best friend had been abducted that he could ask that question and Duo could actually _tell_ him.  
    Duo shook his head, so used to non verbal communication by now, and forced himself to stop. He refused to let this become a bad habit even though his fingers were instinctively itching for the tablet and his throat felt like it was on fire. He had fought all this time for his voice back, had yearned to actually speak to Heero, he wouldn't regress to nods and shakes of his head.   
    "I'm so sorry," he croaked, "Heero... I'm so _sorry_. I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted to worry you and hurt you like this. I tried so hard to stop... but I just couldn't. I did something terrible, and I hurt so many people because of it... dragged you down with me, because I was weak-"  
    Duo took a gasping breath through the rapid jumble of words, his voice strained and not ready for the exercise. Heero had the sudden impulse to pull the other boy into his arms and tell him it was ok, he didn't drag him into anything, he had gone willingly all on his own, but he couldn't with Duo strapped down, and how could he claim that _anything_ was ok when he still didn't know what Duo was talking about? He said that he had done something 'terrible', but what did that mean? Was he blaming himself again for being raped, or was this something new and ultimately much worse?  
    "Duo, what happened?" he asked, trying to be as patient as he could be, but he couldn't hold back any longer, "When you were with Wes, what did he do?"  
    Duo shook his head again, looking panicked.  
    "Please, Heero, I can't tell you," he whispered, his voice so desperate, so full of some kind of pain that Heero couldn't decipher. Whatever it was, it made him feel like an ass just for asking.  
    "But why? Why can't you tell us?" Heero asked, not insistently, but softly.  
    'Please at least tell me that much.'  
    "I'm too scared," Duo admitted and where he had been unable to before with his muteness, Heero heard that fear now. It was thick and palpable, making Heero's heart ache for him. What could he possibly be so frightened of that he wouldn't even tell them what had happened to him?  
    'Duo... what did you do?'  
    "You can't keep this bottled up inside," he said gently, "Whatever happened to you, no matter what it is that you think you did that was so awful, we will never hate you for it, you have to believe it. Keeping it a secret will only make it worse."  
    "I know," Duo said hoarsely, "I promise I'll tell you, soon, but not now. I can't, Heero. I'm so sorry, but that's the best I can promise."  
    Heero entwined his fingers with Duo's, which seemed to soothe him. The longhaired boy gave Heero's tan fingers a squeeze, the only thing he could do with his wrists strapped down.  
    "Alright," Heero accepted, knowing that his best friend understood he wasn't going to push him, but was going to trust him to come to him when he was ready, "but no matter what you have to tell me, no matter what it is that you did or think you did, you have never dragged any of us down. We're here... I'm here because we love you. You aren't forcing me to be here. I _want_ to be here, I want to help you. We're hurt because you've been hurt, and for as long as you're here, we'll stay here by your side, hurting with you, even if it takes years. I'll do whatever it takes to get you out of here, for you to heal from this, and I will _never_ give up on you. After all of these months, I thought that had finally started to sink in."  
    Duo mentally winced at the hurt that was in his best friend's voice, hurt that his doubt, and his inability to trust Heero enough to tell him the truth had put there.  
    "It had," he rasped mournfully, "but there are some things that I can't even expect you to forgive me for, Heero."  
    "No," the Japanese boy said with conviction, "there isn't," he squeezed Duo's hand, "I missed you, more than I can ever put to words. Coming home from London, and knowing that you weren't there... not knowing where you were or if you were hurt or dead... nothing you can possibly tell me could hurt as much as that. You're here, you're alive, that's all that matters to me. Anything else, we can work through, I know we can."  
    Duo felt fresh tears stream down his cheeks. Heero always claimed that he was terrible at getting his feelings across through words, that Duo was the eloquent one, but that wasn't true at all. His words just now had touched something in his heart that had been hiding away ever since he had found himself in Heero's bedroom with his best friend's fingers prying the bloody knife from his hand. Those words, if only for a moment, made him wonder what it was he was so scared of, what he thought Heero would do if he told him that he had killed Wes. Did he really think that this boy, who could open up to him like that, would really throw him away like he was garbage, like everyone else in his entire life until he had met him had done?   
    For a moment, that scenario seemed so ludicrous to him, even though he knew that the fear was very real. For a moment, a life without Heero, Name, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei seemed as impossible as a life without Wes had once seemed to him. But then the moment passed him, and he remembered how that latter surety had ended. He saw dead, grey eyes in his head, and knew how little his certainties mattered in reality.  
    "I missed you, too," he said, his voice deep from emotion this time instead of just the tightness of his throat, "I thought... I thought I was never going to see you again..."  
    Heero could hear and see a taste of the intense fear Duo had felt when he had been kidnapped in his eyes and voice and felt his own tears start again. He wished more than anything that his friend wasn't strapped down so he could wrap his arms around him and sweep him up in a hug. He suddenly realized just how much he had missed his voice, just how much that tablet and his written words had taken from their relationship. And he hated Wes more than he ever had before, for stealing Duo from them and making him believe, for even just a second, that he would disappear from their lives.  
    "I promise you, we're going to take you home," he vowed, "You'll never have to feel that way again."  
    He thought for sure that Duo would deny that, that he would say that there was absolutely nothing they could do to protect him that they hadn't done all the other times Wes had threatened them, but he didn't. The longhaired boy's face scrunched up, he closed his eyes and sobbed quietly in the way that he so often cried, like he was frightened to make any kind of sound. Before, it would have made his heart ache, knowing that no person should cry like that, not with that heartbroken expression on their face, but his cries weren't silent. Heero could hear them, could hear the slight sobs. After all of the silence, all of the tears Duo had shed while he was incapable of making any kind of sound at all, those sobs were as loud as a siren. Whether he was lying to himself to believe him, or if he actually did, those cries were in relief, not angst. Heero pressed his forehead to Duo's, well aware of how similar this was to when he had almost kissed him in the hospital and just not caring.  
    "We're a family," he soothed, "no matter what, you will always be a part of my family, Duo."  
    Duo thought his tears would never stop. Tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of love. He wasn't even sure what he was crying about, Heero saying that Duo was his family, that he would never be apart from them again, or that he would never let him go. He just felt this complex turbulence of emotions that drove him to tears. At some level, he felt how weary he was, how much he ached for his home, and wondered how he had finally found his voice. Even after realizing all that he had, and finding the knowledge that punishing himself in this way was hurting more than himself, he hadn't' really thought he would have been able to speak. He felt like he had forced himself through the roadblocks in his head through pure force of will, and it had left drained and exhausted.   
    Heero lifted his head and saw the almost half lidded look on Duo's face. The younger boy actually looked more tired than Heero felt, even though he had been asleep this entire time.       
    "Go back to sleep, Duo," he urged, touching his wet cheek lightly, "there's still hours yet, and you need it, especially with all the blood you lost."  
    Duo shook his head.  
    "I'm too scared to," he admitted with some hesitance, "What if... what if I wake up and I can't speak again? What if I try to hurt myself again even now?"  
    Heero smiled down at him, making Duo's heart throb with something heavy.  
    "That isn't going to happen."  
    "How can you be so sure?" the violet eyed boy insisted.  
    "Because I have faith in you," Heero smiled softly, "I don't know why you started talking again, but I know how hard you've fought to find your voice again. I know you won't lose it, and I know how strong you are. You're the strongest, most resilient person I know, Duo. You got through this on your own, without being led, and I know you won't slip back."  
    In the dark, Duo blushed darkly. Heero's faith in him... it always made him feel such strange, intense things. It scared him, and it made him love him all the more. It made him want to never fail him, to never tarnish that belief, and it gave him confidence in himself. It was because of that faith that he had found the ability to speak, even when so many voices in his head had tried to keep him silent. He didn't know what to do with that faith, or the feelings that no matter how hard he tried, he could never be, or feel like he was, that person that Heero seemed to see and believe in. He wanted to be that person, but he felt this incredible fear that that belief would make him crash and burn one day.  
    "You're going to untie me, aren't you?" he realized, his sore voice anxious, tired, and scared all at once.   
    For a minute Heero was startled by his friend's intuition, but he nodded.  
    "You promised Dr. Stephenson that you wouldn't," Duo pointed out, weakly trying to persuade the other boy how foolish this was.  
    "I know I did," Heero argued, "but things have changed."  
    "What exactly has changed?" the longhaired boy said and Heero was momentarily surprised by the frustration and anger in his tone, "I got my voice back, that doesn't mean that I won't-"  
    "I think it does," the Japanese teenager interrupted, "Dr. Stephenson told us that she believes your muteness and self harm are linked. If you're talking, I think that you won't hurt yourself anymore."      
    "I know that you believe in me," Duo protested weakly, "but you can't know that for certain. I just cut my arms open, so how can you possibly think that this is a good idea?"  
    "Because I want you to come home!" Heero snapped, his own voice terribly frustrated now, "But even more than that, I want you to stop being so frightened of your own self, and the only way I can prove to you, and to your doctor, that you are getting better is for you to sleep, unrestrained, without an incident," his tone settled and he forced himself to remain calm and collected, "Look, I don't know what is going to happen if you try to sleep, if getting your voice back really means you won't try to hurt yourself, but this is all I can think of. I don't know if Dr. Stephenson will even dare to try this, but it seems like it's the fastest way to be sure. At the very least, I want you to be able to sleep through the night without being scared of your own shadow and without drugs. If you don't want to try it, then we won't try it, but it's an option," Heero offered.  
    Duo chewed on his lip. Heero was right. He knew that Heero was right, as he so often was. He was talking again, and he knew that Dr. Stephenson would be excited about that, but it wouldn't be enough to prove to her that he was better. And really, he wasn't positive that he was better. He was still scared that, as soon as he fell asleep, he would try to harm himself again. If he couldn't even trust himself, why would the therapist? He had almost bled to death on her watch, there was no way she was going to just untie him for the night to make sure he was cured. It would be weeks at least before she felt bold enough for that, and he couldn't bare to wait that long. Heero was right, it wasn't just wanting to go home, but also the fear. He didn't want to be afraid just to go to sleep, or need the sedatives anymore.   
    But he was also terrified of what would happen. This would be the first time since Stark had strapped him down in the hospital, besides his little foray in earlier today, that he would be unbound during his sleep. Every time that happened, he dug a bigger hole for himself. Heero would be watching him, but what if something went wrong? What if he proved that he still wasn't healthy enough to go home, after all the self-awareness he had gained? He didn't think he would survive digging up anymore of these dark truths in his head or looking at what he had done with any more of this intense scrutiny. The last twenty four hours was already enough to make him feel like he was going half insane.   
    But Heero was the one looking out for him tonight... Heero who trusted him, believed in him. Did he believe in his best friend as much as he believed in him? Did he trust him with his very life?   
    'Of course you do,' that voice that once had been so dark, and was now so welcome, spoke up, 'So what are you so afraid of?'  
    "I want to try," he rasped, "I want to go home, more badly than I can tell you," his voice hitched for a moment, but it had nothing to do with how sore it was. The feelings he had had in that damn closet; fear that he would never see his family again, the claustrophobia that was still at the edge of his mind in this place, and his desperate need to go home, even when he had been so conflicted about his future, hit him hard and almost drove him to tears, "I know you'll keep me safe, you won't let me hurt myself, so yes, I want to do this."  
    Heero's smile returned, brighter than before.  
    "Alright."  
    Duo winced as Heero undid the straps around his wrists. His friend was being very gentle about it, but the painkillers and sedatives were long out of his system and he could feel every tiny ache and sting from his wounds now. Just the release of the pressure of the cuffs was both a relief and painful. When his wrists were completely free, he clenched his hands and studied his arms. There were no new spots of blood on the bandages, but his skin still looked white to him, like it didn't belong to him. He could almost imagine that some other person had caused those cuts, but he couldn't afford to believe that. He had done it, he had tried in vain to punish himself, but no more. Nothing was going to undo what he had done.   
    Cutting himself and stabbing himself was not going to bring Wes back to life, and it wasn't going to nullify the rage and darkness that had driven him to bury that knife in his neck. He _wasn't_ going to hurt himself, he told himself over and over. He wasn't going to let Heero down, and he wasn't going to let himself down. Grey eyes, long dead, haunted his vision, but he concentrated on Heero's blue ones and found a bit of that hatred ebb away.   
_'He isn't your family anymore and he can't hurt you. You have control. Whatever happens to you from now on, it's in **your** hands.'_  
    He shuddered a little at that thought, at how wonderful it was and how terrible. This pain was his own fault. If he failed, if he was hurt and pushed down for the rest of his life, it wouldn't be Wes' fault. And if he was happy, if he became stronger, it would also be because of himself. That responsibility terrified him, but not as much as it would have in the past.   
    That memory of the boy who could barely feed himself, who had eaten rats raw and stolen blankets from children even younger than himself was becoming fainter and fainter in his mind. There was a part of himself that mourned his past, who hated that he was letting go of those darker part of his memories, but mostly he was glad. He would never forget where he had come from, but was it really such a bad thing to forget what real cold and hunger had felt like? He had been used to surviving back then, but not living. He was just starting to learn what that was like. Wes couldn't control every aspect of his life anymore, but did that have to be so frightening? If he failed, if he ever stumbled and fell, it would be his fault, but that didn't mean that he didn't have people, the people who loved him, to help him back up again.   
    'I don't need him anymore,' Duo told himself, 'I can do this. Even if I tell my family what I did, even if they hate me for it, I can't go back to the way things were and that isn't a bad thing.'  
    He had to take responsibility for his anger, and he knew that, but right now all he could care about right now was going back home. He would just have to focus on all this other shit in his head when he had his feet under him again.   
    "Do you need anything?" Heero asked him.  
    Duo shook his head, curling up on his side like how he liked to sleep. It was strange, he had spent so much time it had seemed laying on his back, his wrists pinned to the bed. He hadn't realized what a relief it would be just to lay down normally again.   
    "Just... if I start acting weird... if I even move oddly..."  
    "I know," Heero soothed, "I'll restrain you again, even if I think I can wake you up from it. Go to sleep, Duo."  
    It was easier said than done. Heero pulled the covers up over his shoulders and Duo closed his eyes, imagining for a moment that it was Name tucking him in like she sometimes did, especially when he was feeling stressed. It helped make him feel less anxious, but his heart still wouldn't settle. He fussed with the covers and the pillow, rolling from side to side to try to get more comfortable, but he felt completely restless. He trusted Heero not to let him actually harm himself in his sleep, that wasn't the nervousness he felt. He was more worried about actually _trying_ to hurt himself. If he did try, if Heero caught him acting weird in his sleep again, Duo didn't know what he would do. He was still too scared to open up to Dr. Stephenson, even about his childhood, let alone the murder. But what else could he do to stop this?   
    Heero wisely didn't say anything as Duo fidgeted in bed. He couldn't even imagine how scared his friend was to go to sleep. This could either be the thing that would allow him to go home, or it could damn him to more weeks locked away in here. It wouldn't be terrible for Duo to stay here anymore than it had been for him to have been here for the last week, but he was confident now that there was nothing that Dr. Stephenson or the rest of the staff here could do to help the boy he loved. Duo was scared to open up to him. He had promised him that he would, but he was so fragile, for whatever reason, that he seemed to need something in order to do it.   
    Maybe it was being here, maybe he would get the courage when he was with them again at home, or maybe he just needed more time, but Heero knew that Duo wasn't going to tell his therapist. She was impartial and unbiased, but that didn't seem to be what his friend needed right now. And if the strength that he had found to get his voice back wasn't enough to stop him from mutilating himself, Heero didn't know what would. Duo had to tell someone about what had happened. If he kept hurting himself, that was probably one of the reasons for it. So how could he possibly get better if he refused to do that? He himself was scared about what would happen when Duo fell asleep unrestrained, it must be unbearable for his friend.  
    After an hour and a half of Duo tossing and turning, Heero worried that he wouldn't be able to sleep without the sedatives after all, but finally his friend stopped fidgeting and his breathing settled. Heero's heart raced and he waited, watching intensely for any sudden movement or quickened breath or muttered words to indicate that the American was sleeping oddly or was having a nightmare. Hours passed. Duo didn't even twitch. He didn't say anything in his sleep or even move much. He rolled over a few times and would make a small noise, but nothing more than he usually did when he slept.   
    The sun rose and Heero heard an orderly unlock the door, but no one came in. He was so sure that the boy would awake any moment, still too stressed to sleep for very long, but he didn't. He slept as soundly as anyone would. Heero felt tears drip down his cheeks, but for once they were tears of relief. He stayed where he was and watched his friend sleep the best sleep he had since Wes had shot him.  
  
*****  
  
    Duo tugged on his shirt nervously as Dr. Stephenson studied him, her eyes piercing. If anyone else had looked at him like that, he would have assumed they were accusing him of something, but the therapist only seemed curious. It only made him feel guiltier.   
    "Can you at least tell me how you gained your voice back?" she suddenly asked, her voice kind instead of frustrated.  
    "No," he said firmly, "I'm sorry, but I can't tell you why."  
    She sighed heavily.  
    "Duo, you have been under my care for a week and we have never really talked about what happened when you were abducted. Muteness and self-harm do not just vanish, yet here you are speaking again, and Heero tells me you didn't try to hurt yourself last night. There has to be a catalyst for that, something that has helped you. Even if I believe that your more serious problems have alleviated, there are still several issues you aren't addressing, and until you talk about the kidnapping, they aren't going to go away."  
    "I know that," Duo admitted somberly, "I know that keeping it bottled up inside isn't helping, Heero's told me that enough times. But I also know that I can't talk to you about it."  
    Her expression turned sad at that.  
    "Why can't you talk to me about it? I know that it's hard, facing up to what happened to you and admitting it to another person, but there must be something I can do to help you."  
    "I've struggled with this the entire time I've been here," he confessed, "trying to decide what I should or shouldn't tell you, but now I know that you can't help me. It's not your fault. There are just... some things that I can only figure out myself. What happened last night proved that to me. I'm not comfortable with talking about those things with a stranger, even someone who is supposed to professionally help people like me, and I can't get around that right now."  
    "Alright," she conceded, "but can you at least promise me that you _will_ tell someone about what happened to you, even if it's one of your friends?"  
    He nodded.  
    "I promise I will. I can't hide what happened and I can't stay like this. I might be talking again, and I might not hurt myself again, but I know better than even you do that I'm not alright."  
    Dr. Stephenson dug a card out of her pocket and gave it to Duo. It was a business card for another therapist.  
    "Even if you're uncomfortable talking about your childhood and your abduction with me, I want you to consider talking to someone professionally in the future," she gestured to the card, "Dr. Gerard is a very good psychiatrist. She specializes in helping people who have gone through child abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, and sexual abuse. She's local, too, so you can contact her through this hospital if you ever wanted to."  
    "Thank you, doctor," Duo tucked the card away in his pocket. He wouldn't promise Stephenson that he would ever contact this doctor, but it wouldn't hurt to have that option available in the future, "What happens to me now?"  
    "Well, you're speaking again, which is a great sign," Stephenson told him, "and while I'm upset that you and your friend decided to pull such a dangerous stunt last night, you don't appear to have done any additional damage to yourself. Since you still refuse counseling, the only thing we have left to do is make sure that your self-abusive trend has ceased."  
    "You want to keep me here longer," he predicated dejectedly. He should have seen it coming, but he had hoped so hard, ever since Heero had told him how deeply and peacefully he had slept this morning, that he would be able to go home today.  
    "Only for another day," she assured him, "I want to repeat the results that you had last night, but this time without Heero by your side. I also would like to not allow you any visitors for the day."  
    "But why?" Duo protested, wanting so badly to talk to his mother and friends.  
    "Because I need to make sure that last night was not a fluke, that you simply did not try to hurt yourself because your friend was watching over you. I promise you, Duo, if you can prove to me that you won't hurt yourself in a more stressful and isolating situation tonight, I will recommend Stark to have you released first thing tomorrow morning. This is your choice, I can't forbid your friends and family from seeing you unless that's what you want, but if you don't agree to it, I will be forced to keep you here longer, to make sure that this pattern continues. And if I think for a moment that it won't, I will be forced to keep you here."  
    Duo sighed. He had slept so well this morning. Even with all his fears and anxieties, his sleep had been deep and untroubled for the first time in a long time. He was sure that a part of it was how tired he had been, but he hadn't dreamed at all, or at least not that he could remember. He knew that Stephenson was right, he could have just slept that well because he had felt safe with Heero there with him. He didn't want this morning to have been a fluke, but he didn't relish going through the rest of the day in this place, let alone without seeing anyone.  
    "Fine," he surrendered, "I'll do anything to get out of here."  
    Stephenson smiled.  
    "That's good. I certainly don't want to see you here any longer, or have you come back to my care."  
    "Do I have to go to my therapy sessions today?" he asked.  
    "Yes, I would like for you to, even if you have nothing to talk to me about. Would you like to say goodbye to Heero before I send him home?"  
    Duo shook his head.  
    "Tell him... tell him that it was my decision and I'll see him tomorrow?" he asked, almost meekly.  
    "Of course," she smiled and left his room.  
    It was just after noon. That was what Duo hated about this the worst, that he couldn't just get this over with as soon as possible and go home. It shouldn't matter, he had been here a week, so what difference did one more day make? But he didn't know what to do, all he could think about was the possibility that this was his last day here, and the fear that it wasn't. He sighed again and left his room. If he was going to be stuck here for another day, he might as well go through the motions. He felt a momentary guilt over not saying goodbye to Heero, worried that his friend might find that cold or that he didn't want to talk to him. The truth was that he was worried that his friend would be able to talk him out of doing this. He knew that Dr. Stephenson was going to monitor his sleep tonight to make sure that he would be safe, but Heero was so overprotective, he would only think of everything that could go wrong. Either way, he was going to see him tomorrow, good news or bad.   
      
  
End Part 20


	67. The Second Son Part 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo spends the night by himself, unmedicated and unrestrained. Is he really healed or will he continue to harm himself?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 21  
  
  
    Name could count the times she had been this anxious on her hands; the night before the wedding day, the day Heero had been born, the night her husband had passed, the night Duo almost died in this very same hospital, when her son and Duo had gotten kidnapped in Boston, when he had also gone missing just weeks ago, the night he had returned to them, and now.   
    As she walked through the hallway to the psychiatry wing's security gate, she glanced at the blue walls with disdain. In the nine days that Duo had been here, she had come to hate that shade of blue and hoped that today would be the very last day she would have to look at those walls. Heero had told her all about Duo's miraculous speech recovery and how he had slept several hours without any problems, as well as Dr. Stephenson telling him she wanted to repeat the results of the previous night, but without any of them being present and that Duo had ok'd it.   
    She wanted to be mad at him for taking such a risk without even talking it over with them, but she understood. Duo always acted so independent and he was very used to taking care of himself. Wes had controlled him, ordering him around like a slave or a pet, but he had also expected him to be strong enough to take care of his own needs to the point of neglect. She had made very sure not to treat him like that, which she supposed had been a bit cruel at first, thrusting the boy into a situation that he had been thoroughly unequipped to deal with from the first day he had come to live with them, but it had been important to try to get him out of that terrible habit. She hadn't coddled him, that would have been irresponsible and hurtful for him to treat him like a helpless child, but treating him like an adult would have been just as bad.   
    Duo still retained his independence, his desperation to prove that he could fix his own problems, even as he was opening up to them more, more ready to admit when he had had enough and needed that child inside of him to be sheltered, but it was that desperation that had gotten them into this situation to begin with.     Duo's need to be strong, and more importantly to prove to them that he was still strong, had made him walk home from school that day, to put himself in a position to be kidnapped, and it was what had made him make this recent decision of his, she was sure. She was also sure that he had worried that telling them about it would have only resulted in them convincing that child in him that he didn't need to do it, that they could care for him and find another way. He obviously hadn't wanted that, and he had obviously had the resolve to see this through, so she couldn't really be mad at him for making such an adult decision even if she was upset at being kept in the dark.   
    She also felt guilty that she hadn't been there for him when he had hurt himself so badly, or when he had started talking again, but the businesswoman in her knew that it couldn't have been helped. Mizu was still putting her life through the wringer even after their father had dismissed his claims. It was frustrating. She had fought so hard to keep this little family together and functioning, she kept her family's business running, but the opinions of the board and her brother's attitude problems were the one thing she couldn't change. But it wasn't like she could sit back and not act on them, either.     The same was true about Wes. It frustrated her beyond belief that for all her money and power, she couldn't fix this, but she would never stop trying. With every investigator she had sent after him turning up dead or missing, she had wondered if she should just stop. She had felt like she was sending lambs to the slaughter, even if they had been willing to do it. But how could she have? It had been one of her children's lives on the line. Now that Duo was back and it seemed like all her efforts had been pointless after all, she felt foolish.   
    After he had come back, she had sent out another investigator, hoping that in his frantic search to find his escapee, Wes would make some kind of mistake or be easier to track, but the man hadn't found anything more than the others had. Her only solace was that he was still reporting in to her and hadn't vanished. Was Wes simply too busy trying to get Duo back again that he couldn't be bothered to dispose of her investigators, or had he finally realized that he couldn't win and had moved on? Given what she knew about him, she didn't think that was very likely.   
    "Hello, Rob," she greeted the guard at the guard station.  
    "'Morning, Ma'am," he smiled at her warmly.  
    There were six men that worked the guard detail at the psychiatric ward, a different pair every day, and Name had become well acquainted with all of them. They had been intimidated with her at first, not sure how to act towards the powerful CEO, but they were so used to seeing her now and realizing that she was no different than the other mothers that came here to visit their troubled children. He buzzed her in automatically without paging Dr. Stephenson like they always did. Usually, he would tell the doctor that she was here and Stephenson would ask for Duo's permission to have her visit. That he hadn't done that either meant something very good, or very bad. She took a deep breath and entered the ward. It would do no good for her to dwell on unpleasant possibilities.   
    Dr. Stephenson's assistant, a light haired brunette in her early thirties, was waiting for her in the reception area. She didn't seem stressed and smiled at Name brightly. She decided to take that as a good sign.   
    "Hello, Mrs. Yuy, Duo and the doctor are waiting for you in her office," she greeted pleasantly.  
    Name raised an eyebrow at that, having expected to meet them in Duo's bedroom or the reception area but simply followed her. As they neared Stephenson's office door, Name could feel her heart race, a mix of anxiety and yearning. Like never before, she missed Duo. Seeing him once a day was more cruel than it was a balm. It just reminded her that when she got home, although her son was there, whole and healthy, there was something missing from her life. She had told Noventa and her brother that Duo was her child, that she loved him and he was forever a part of her family, but she had never realized the absolute truth of that until she had suddenly found him cruelly ripped from her life.   
    Duo was her son, and she would do anything to see him home again. If Stephenson told her that Duo still couldn't come home... it would kill her just like it had the first time. She didn't know if she could do that again. For all her strength, when it came to that boy, she just felt weak and vulnerable, just like she did whenever Heero was hurt. She chided herself for thinking like that. She had agreed to have Duo admitted here for his own good, and logically she knew that this was the best thing for him, but it hurt so much.   
    "Oh, Duo, it isn't your fault," she could hear Stephenson's voice through the door.  
    Name felt her breath get stuck in her throat as she waited to hear a second voice in that room, the voice she had wanted desperately to hear ever since Heero had gotten that phone call in London, and each second that she heard only more silence was terrible, like a vice around her heart. What if Duo had lost his voice again and he was back to using the tablet again? The assistant gripped the knob on the door and Name had the impulse to tell her not to open it, but only felt ashamed of it. Even if Duo couldn't talk, even if he had to stay here longer, she loved him and wanted to see him, especially after he had hurt himself two days ago.   
    "Of course it's his fault," a male voice snapped.  
    Name blanched, hearing a voice, instead of the one that she wanted to hear, that was _completely_ unwanted.  
    "The boy slashes up his arms and then, in the course of two days, convinces you that he should be released!" Stark ranted, "You call yourself a doctor?! You've accomplished nothing in all of this time! Either he's pulling the wool over your eyes or you're completely incompetent and just want him out of your hair!"  
    The doctor sounded even more pissed off and petulant than Name had heard him be before. Accomplished nothing... that didn't sound good to her. She couldn't tell if Stark was just full of hot air or if that meant that last night hadn't gone well.   
    "Watch your tone," Name heard Lian snap at the man and was relieved at her presence. The other mother would be able to tell her what the hell had gone on in her absence.  
    "I am sorry that you don't understand my decision, Dr. Stark," Stephenson said in a cold and almost arrogant tone, "but I'm not all that surprised since you aren't qualified to make any judgments about _my patient's_ mental health."  
    Name nearly laughed at the therapist almost rising to Stark's childish level with that quip, but then they were walking into Stephenson's office and she suddenly didn't care about any of them. There was only one person she cared about.   
    Duo was sitting in one of the chairs in the office, watching the adults fight over him like a bunch of dogs with a large bone. He wasn't saying anything or trying to argue with Stark, which immediately worried her, but she knew how he was when adults, especially men, started yelling near him or about him. He did look a bit scared and nervous, but otherwise he looked healthy. She could see the clean bandages around his arms, which made her heart ache, but he wasn't pale or shaking. His eyes were alert as they darted from speaker to speaker, his braid clean and she could tell that he had done it himself from its weave. He was wearing a clean pair of jeans and one of the t-shirts she had brought him. His right leg was moving up and down in agitation, one of his nervous habits, and he looked like he wanted to be anywhere else than this office.  
    "Mrs. Yuy," Stephenson said before Stark could yell back at her.  
    Duo looked over at her, his violet eyes instantly brightening. He bolted from the chair and wrapped his arms around her, Name naturally meeting his tight embrace, feeling a burst of happiness just being so close to him.  
    "Mom!" he cried out, his voice a little bit rough either from the emotion filling it or from disuse, she wasn't sure. All she knew was that it was the most beautiful sound in the world.  
    If possible, she hugged him even tighter.  
    "Oh, baby," she felt tears pricking her eyes and didn't even care if they fell or not, "it's so good to hear your voice."      
    In record time, her mind did the logical math. Duo could talk, and from what she had heard Stark say, Stephenson wanted to release him, or at least thought that he was no longer an emergency case, which meant he must have not tried to hurt himself last night. He was going to come home with her. Even if all three doctors disagreed with her, she would make damned sure he was leaving here today.   
    "How touching," Stark sneered and looked to be gearing up for another rant.  
    Name felt a wave of anger sweep her up. She glared at Stark with all the ferocity of a mother bear, looking as though she would tear his throat out with her teeth if it had to come to that.  
    "You are going to agree with whatever decision Dr. Stephenson has made. You are going to release my son from his involuntary residency here," she growled at him, "and you are going to do it _now_ , or so help me Stark, I will make your life a living hell."  
    Even with her arms still around Duo, the look on Name's face frightened even Lian for a second. Stark lost whatever tangent he had had in mind and went pale.  
    "I highly suggest you sign the release papers, Stark, or I _will_ report you," Dr. Chang threatened her colleague, fed up with his antics, "and this time I'll have plenty of evidence against you."  
    Just as quickly as he had lost all of his color, Stark flushed with anger and embarrassment. Without a single word, he snatched Stephenson's clipboard from her desk and signed his signature to three pieces of paper so hard that Name was surprised he didn't tear the paper. He thrust the clipboard at Stephenson and strode out  
    "Good luck to you and your brats," he snarled at Name before slamming the door closed behind him.  
    Name didn't care beyond tightening her arms around her son as he flinched at the violent noise. Never before had she been so glad to see the pompous ass leave. She didn't care what he had been arguing about or what Lian had meant about evidence and reporting him again, and didn't ask. She finally let go of Duo and he hastily wiped the tears from his cheeks.  
    "Thank you, Dr. Chang," he murmured shyly.  
    She smiled at him and walked over to pat his shoulder.  
    "There's nothing for you to thank me for, Duo," she said, "You know as well as the rest of us what a pompous ass that man is. I've been correcting the damage his unprofessional attitude has done since I first started working here. He had no right to say those things to you, and no right to try to keep you here against your will, he was just being petty."  
    Duo nodded. He had known that from the second that his doctor had burst in on his very last session with Dr. Stephenson demanding that he be kept here for longer. He had known that, ever since he had thrown that water glass in Stark's face during his first visit to the hospital that he had made an enemy for life, but it had still been frightening, thinking that after all he had gone through, he would be denied going home just because of the man's personal feelings about him.   
    "Thank you for your assistance," Stephenson shook her hand, "I was beginning to lose my temper and file a report on him myself."  
    Lian chuckled.  
    "He certainly has that effect on even the coolest of heads. When I first started to work here, all I wanted was to not make waves and just do my job. But now I can see that a man like Stark has no right to practice medicine. I doubt he'll have a career here much longer," she glanced over at Name, "I've actually been meaning to talk to you about it, but some other time of course."  
    The Japanese woman nodded.  
    "Some other time," she agreed.  
    Lian left them and Duo wondered for a moment just how much the doctor knew about what Stark had done to him. He didn't think that she actually knew about that, but men like Stark could never stop at just one. He doubted that he had been the first person the doctor had mistreated, or the last. He wondered if he should have told Name about that, feeling a little bit guilty that he hadn't acted when he should have. If Stark was abusing other kids because he hadn't said anything... But back then he hadn't had the courage to speak up against him with everything else that had been happening, and the man hadn't tried anything since so it had seemed so incredibly unimportant compared to the rest of his problems.  
    "How did you sleep last night?" Name asked Duo, touching his braid lightly, still having a hard time believing that he was really speaking and that soon she would be taking him away from here.  
    It was a loaded question and Duo understood that, hesitating a little.  
    "Alright I guess," he shrugged, "It was harder falling asleep without Heero there. I knew I was under surveillance, but that just made me feel more nervous. When I actually did manage to fall asleep, I don't recall waking up through the night, though."  
    "It wasn't a very restful situation," Stephenson agreed with a slight nod, "and I'm sorry I had to put you through that, but I'm happy with the results. Just like I told your son yesterday, we kept Duo unrestrained and didn't sedate him," she told Name, "We also didn't remove anything from the room that he could potentially use to harm himself, while monitoring him closely to make sure that if he tried to, we could intervene, but aside from some tossing and turning and a few obvious nightmares, he didn't have any problems. He slept through the night and didn't get up once. He has also been vocal in our sessions and the few social situations he's been in since yesterday. Usually when a patient of mine is afflicted with psychosomatic mutism like Duo, even when they physically can talk again, they retain the habit of not using verbal communication. I'm quite happy with how he is progressing, even if I was unable to help in his recovery," Stephenson's voice was tinged with guilt and Name didn't blame her, feeling a bit guilty herself that she was unable to do more to help her son overcome this.  
    "I take it, then, that you are releasing him as an emergency patient?" she asked, not wanting to assume anything at the same time she felt hope practically burst in her chest.  
    "Yes," the doctor said, but with some hesitance, "the forms that Dr. Stark just signed are Duo's release forms. They remove Duo's status as a mandatory patient here, however Duo is still under my care. If you wish to release him back into your custody I'll need you to sign some forms, too. However," she sighed, "it is my professional opinion that he should stay here, or at least let me continue counseling him. Duo has displayed typical signs of post traumatic stress disorder, some pretty severe from obvious prolonged trauma. I am especially concerned with his nightmares and habits regarding his self esteem," she glanced at him for a moment, seeing him fidget a little in embarrassment, "But when I brought these problems up, Duo refused to consider both a residency here and counseling."  
    "I'm sorry," he said to Name, feeling a little bit ashamed at discarding the therapist's motions so stubbornly, "but I just can't..."  
    "Oh, Duo, I understand," his mother soothed, "I have always been prepared if you ever wanted to consider getting professional help, but I know how uncomfortable you are with talking about these things, especially to strangers. If you aren't ready, then you aren't ready. I would never force you into counseling against your will, that would only hurt you. I had only agreed to admit you here because things got so bad."  
    "Which is exactly why I am releasing Duo into your custody," Stephenson agreed, "In the week he has been here, Duo has been incapable of opening up to me about his childhood and the abduction. Trying to force him to tell me about those things isn't going to do anyone any good."  
    She handed Name her clipboard, pulling back the pages that Stark had already signed and showed her where her signature was needed.  
    "Just sign these three forms and you can take Duo home with you," the doctor smiled.  
    The CEO in her had Name scanning the forms even when all she wanted to do was sign them and get out of here, but she didn't find anything more than she had expected on them and signed each of them.   
    "Excellent, I'll get these filed right away," she tucked the clipboard under her arm and shook Name's hand, "Please don't hesitate to call me if Duo is experiencing any problems at home," she shook Duo's hand next, something that he wasn't used to, "It was nice meeting you, young man, I just wish I could have done more to help you."  
    "You did help me," Duo assured her, "Maybe not directly, but being here was what helped me get my voice back."  
    He didn't know what might have happened if he had gone home after being released from the hospital, if he would have been able to get over his self abusive behavior or not at home, but he did know that being here had forced him into a corner. Being away from his family had made him desperate and lonely. It had reminded him of all the things he would lose if he couldn't stop it. If he had been surrounded by the people he loved at home, he didn't think he would have felt that desperation as keenly.   
    "I hope so," she smiled.  
  
*****  
    As he stepped out through the front door of the hospital lobby carrying a box filled with the things that his family had brought him when he had been in the mental ward, Duo felt a similar sensation to what he had felt the day he had left the hospital so many months ago, with the same woman by his side. He felt lost. He had almost felt like a refugee back then, being shuffled off to some place that wasn't his own, wearing clothes that weren't his, carrying things that had been given to him, but that he hadn't earned on his own.   
    He almost felt like that now before he reminded himself how far off from the truth that was. The clothes he was wearing were his. The things in the box were his. He was going home, and the woman by his side was far from a stranger. Had things really changed that much in these five short months? Had _he_ really changed? As much as he had argued with himself about it, as much as he had told himself that deep down he hadn't, he knew now that he had. That, in itself, was a change from how he had been. Before, he would have easily believed the worst in himself, that he was incapable of changing for anything but the bad.   
    Even if it had been staring him in the face, he would have chosen to believe that he was the same miserable, pathetic person. But now, believing that he was stronger, believing that he was more confident and was in a better place was easier. It was still difficult, but it wasn't quite the hopeless struggle that it had been. It felt better, believing that he was heading in the right direction, even if it hurt a little to fight against old habits. Little by little, that pain was vanishing. He didn't know if it was because he had been with the Yuy's all this time, had been in a healthier environment, or Wes' death had helped him move on in some way. Honestly, he hoped it was both.   
    Now that he was forcing himself not to punish himself for what he had done, to not let his nightmares and doubts and self hatred completely overwhelm him, he was desperately looking for some good in what had happened. Not that he had murdered him, but simply that Wes was not alive anymore. He told himself over and over that the man couldn't control him anymore, was not going to be there for him or against him. It was absolutely terrifying, but he was starting to get used to that fear. And he was starting to let those good things seep in. He wasn't going to be hit or raped anymore. He wasn't going to go home in fear, wondering when the next time his abuser was going to show up and take him away from the people he loved.   
    He wasn't going to be roused from sleep by the slightest sound and he wasn't going to be tortured wondering what his future was going to be, what choices he should make about his past. But most of all, he wasn't going to be scared every waking moment that his past was going to hurt his family. He wanted to believe, so badly, that the biggest mistake of his life had some good in it, that even if he had made himself a killer and put this black spot in his heart, he had at least protected the ones he loved. Wes wasn't going to be able to kill Name or Heero to keep him with him.   
    Duo wasn't even scared of Chris coming after them. The man was tenacious and deadly, but that force of his, like a hurricane, had always been directed by Wes' hand. Duo didn't think that Chris had it in him to be a threat to the Yuy family without Wes ordering him to. If anything, knowing him as Duo did, when Chris found out that Wes wasn't there anymore, he would go into hiding. He had to know that Name knew that he was the one who had almost killed her children by now. More than that, as the straws of Wes' empire were being grasped by any man with the power and desire to do so, both he and Chris were on the chopping block. Chris was too loyal for any gang leader or mob boss to trust.   
    At least Duo had Name's protection, and he could at least hope that who ever took over after Wes had a lot more sanity than him, enough to think twice about messing with the Yuys. With Wes gone, Chris didn't have any protection at all. There truly was no honor amongst thieves. With Wes gone, all his and Chris' contacts, men that had rallied behind the two of them, were going to turn. The side of him that contained all that rage, all that bitterness that had resulted in Wes' murder, the side of himself that Duo was trying so hard to deny existed, hoped that Chris was a bigger idiot than he thought he was and turned to a 'trusted' ally, only to get a knife in the back. He felt a twinge of guilt over that, over this sudden bloodthirsty personality in him.   
    Was this always going to be in him, this anger, this part that wanted to lash out at the men that had made his life a living hell? He had always seen life as sacred, had always kept his head low and been meek, so he didn't know how to handle it's existence now that he had realized it was there. But at the same time, he remembered all the kids that Chris and Wes had brought to the apartment, all the throats that Chris had slit, all the children the brute had raped. He hadn't just done those things because he was following Wes' orders.   
    Wes had thrived on power and domination, but Chris had been a pedophile and a sadist through and through. Duo was sure that even with Wes and the empire gone, Chris would go on like he always had. Was it so wrong to want to see the man dead for all the pain he had caused, not just him, but all the kids in Wes' employ? And if it was, how could it be wrong to want him dead to protect more kids from ending up like him? For a moment Duo mourned all the children that Wes had kidnapped, trained, and thrown into brothels. His death wouldn't bring them any of the peace it would bring him. They would just be owned by a different master, maybe one that was less cruel, but that was unlikely.   
    Where was the justice for them? He had killed the Boogieman, but he couldn't even save them. All he had done was save himself and his family. It made him feel pathetic all over again, that he couldn't even tell anyone about them, to help them. In reality, he didn't have much power to do anything at all, just knowledge. He knew that Wes had had brothels but he didn't know where. He knew that there were children prostitutes and slaves all over the city that had been owned by him, but he didn't know their names. He had seen them a few times, but his memory was shoddy on a good day, how could he ever help identify any of them?   
    And even if he did have the list of every child that had been trained by Wes and Chris, who would help them? He was sure that all of Wes' contacts in the police force and child services either still believed they were in his pocket or were happy to be paid off by another crime boss. There might be a few that were threatened to cooperate and would be happy to help, but he didn't know who to trust and who not to. He could tell Name, but he knew Wes' practices.   
    Wes had paid and trained his men well. If they thought that Wes was still alive, and Duo had no reason to believe that they didn't yet, and they got so much as a whiff that Name or a cop was closing in on them, they would kill every kid to keep them from talking. Sure, that might not happen, if the right people were investigating, the kind that didn't cast shadows, but how could he possibly risk that? In the past he would have said better to be dead than to be a whore and was sure many of those children had that mentality, but now he saw how wonderful life could be. How wonderful his life could be. How could he act? He was just a teenager, how could he ever justify holding the lives of hundreds of people in his hands and making these kinds of decisions?  
    Duo felt Name place her hand on his back and just like that, all the black thoughts and feelings dissipated like smoke. She was smiling at him, that warm smile of hers, full of love and acceptance. It was the same smile he had dreamed about when he had been locked up in that closet, and every time he had thought of it back then, he had cried. The same smile that always made him feel like a child, one that was cared for and protected, the same one that made all of Wes' assurances and declarations of love seem so small and cruel.   
    It was one of the few things that he had talked to Dr. Stephenson about, how seeing Name smile like that at him had made him feel like he belonged and it was always enough to make the worst things in his life seem like faint ghosts. She had told him to always keep that smile in his mind, that no matter how dark things got, no matter how hopeless he felt, it would guide him back home, to the things that were truly important. He remembered attending a group therapy session back when he had still been mute and how one girl, the same one with the slash across her face, had said that sometimes you had to be selfish, that sometimes all that mattered was surviving.   
    He might feel terrible for all of the other kids like him that he had been unable to save, but he had survived. Against all of the odds, all of the statistics saying that he would end up dead in a dumpster one day before his eighteenth birthday, he had survived Wes and all of the men he had sent him to. For now, that was enough, more than enough.       
    Duo still felt the trepidation he had felt when Stephenson had told him he was going home. He was so happy, but that happiness was tainted by fear. He knew that Name would never push him, had never pushed him aside from when she had asked him to name Wes all those months ago in the hospital, but he was still frightened by the sort of questions she was bound to ask now that he was out of the hospital.   
    He had promised Heero that he would tell him what had happened to him, but that seemed so daunting to him. He heard Heero's voice in his head telling him that nothing he could possibly say would make him hate him, but Heero didn't know. He loved them, but he hated what he had done. How could they not hate it, too? He didn't want to tell them, and he knew he could get away with not saying a thing, but Stephenson was right. Keeping this bottled up inside was going to kill him eventually. And they had the right to know the sort of person that they were living with.   
    Duo knew that he would never lash out at the Yuys. Killing Wes had been drastic and frightening, but he wasn't that unhinged. Even wishing Chris dead and feeling anger at remembering all the things that they had done to him didn't make him some kind of... lunatic serial killer. He just hoped that his family would understand that. He was sure that they would, but how could he make them understand why he had done it, and would his reasons even matter? He knew how Name felt about people that took the lives of others. If he had killed Wes in self defense, she might forgive him for that, but the truth...   
    Duo pushed the thought down as they walked out into the bright sunlight, squinting a little. It didn't matter, he told himself. Right now Name loved him, and just like he had been unable to see a world where Wes wasn't in it, for that moment at least, he couldn't see a world where this woman didn't love him, or hated him. He knew, logically, how fragile love was, and how quickly all his sureties turned on him, but every time he had thought Name would hate him for something, or be disgusted or disappointed in him, she had surprised him. Why couldn't he let himself believe that she would surprise him again this time? Right now, she didn't know. Right now, nothing had changed.  
    Walking across the parking lot, Duo was struck realizing that this was the first time he had seen the outside of a building in two weeks. He knew that wasn't true, he had spent a good deal of his time in the mental ward staying outside in the atrium. He had felt so claustrophobic and desperate to not be reminded of his frightening incarceration in the closet, but it hadn't been the same. He had still felt trapped and contained, like he had never gotten free of his kidnapping. He didn't even remember his walk back home that well. He felt like he had been frozen in some sort of void.   
    The world somehow seemed more beautiful and more vibrant than it had before Wes had abducted him. Summer was in full swing, the weather hot and the sun bright, but not unbearably so. The borders of the parking lot were decorated by flowers of all different colors, thriving in the late June weather. Feeling the sun on his bare arms and face was the best feeling in the entire world, but it was quickly replaced when he saw Name's car, and Heero leaning against it waiting for them. His best friend's face broke out into a smile as brilliant as the summer sun when he saw him.   
    Name had the good sense to take the box from Duo as her older son suddenly grabbed him in a hug so tight and powerful that he almost lifted Duo off of his feet, but Duo didn't mind. He hugged him back, not nearly as strongly as his friend, but just as desperately. He felt like he hadn't seen him in a very long time and that no matter how tightly he held on to him, it wasn't enough, he couldn't soak in enough of him, his touch or voice or the warmth of his body. That wasn't any truer than his feeling of not being outside in the longest time, but he couldn't help feeling it. This wasn't the same. Heero had been there for him the entire time in the hospital, and he had had visited him in the ward constantly, but right now all those times had been swept away in his mind and it felt this was the first time he was seeing him since he had been kidnapped. This was the first time he was seeing him as a whole person, or as whole as he could get.   
    Duo felt raw to the bone; tired, excited, and anxious all at once. He felt like all of his carefully guarded emotions were simmering on the surface. He felt overwhelmed by everything and realized how dangerous it was, but it was hitting him for the first time.   
    He was going home. And he was going home, not because he had no other choice, or because he was being dragged there by someone else's effort, but because he had chosen it and fought for it. He had been calling that house and this family his home for a long time now, but this was the first time he truly felt that it was _his_ , that he had gained it for himself. He felt, truly for the first time that he was going in the right direction.  
    Where had this feeling been when he had needed it, locked away in that closet, confused about what to choose? Or maybe he hadn't been confused at all, maybe he had made his choice the night he had gone to Heero's house, bloody and about to die, instead of back to Wes, both equally capable of getting him medical care or turning him away in disgust. Maybe he had just been unable to understand that he had chosen. This wasn’t the only choice left, simply because he had killed Wes, he felt now that he would have ended up here, in this same safety of Heero’s arms, no matter what had happened.   
    That realization should have made him hate himself and that constant mental battle he had had with himself to either pull away from Wes or his new life, but it only made him happy. It made him confident that all manner of forces could try to wrench him away from his family, but he would always end up right back here in the end.  
    "I missed you so much," Heero whispered hoarsely and buried his face in Duo's slender shoulder.  
    Duo felt a jolt hearing his own feelings echoed in Heero’s voice. He could have pointed out to him that he had seen him yesterday, but it only would have made him a hypocrite.   
    “I missed you, too.”   
    For a moment, he remembered being back in that closet and thinking that his life with Heero had all been a dream, a fantasy that he had concocted to escape his nightmare of a life, or that he would never see him again. He quickly pushed those memories away. He wasn’t ready to deal with them yet.  
    “Quatre and Trowa?” he asked when Heero let go of him.  
    “They’re out buying some more cat food, we ran out when we fed them this morning,” Heero told him, “and they thought it might make things easier for you if they didn’t crowd you when you first got home.”  
    Duo blushed at that. They had done the same thing when he had first come to live with them, living in a hotel initially until Duo had gotten his feet back under him, like a wild animal spooked by being surrounded. He hated feeling like he had kicked them out of their home because of his issues. He knew that that wasn’t’ fair, they were his friends and wanted to make things less stressful for him. It wasn’t’ like he had ever asked them to do that, even if he had needed it at the time. He couldn’t deny that he was feeling a bit overly emotional and stressed right now and that he wasn’t quite ready to deal with Quatre’s over protectiveness and questions, or Trowa’s perceptiveness, but he still felt like an ass.   
    He also couldn’t help but feel guilty that Quatre and Trowa were going out of their way to buy his cats their food. The cats were supposed to be _his_ responsibility and feeding all eight of them was expensive. His horde went through litter and food like a pack of lions went through a gazelle it seemed. He had thought about giving a couple of them up for adoption, but there was plenty of room for all eight of them and he could afford to keep all of them. He just couldn’t bear to give any of them up, especially not after everything else he had lost in his life.   
    Still, the knowledge that Name, Heero, Quatre, and Trowa had been taking care of his pets when he had gone missing, feeding them, changing their litter, and playing with them, made him feel guilty. It also made his kidnapping, all those days that he had disappeared from the world, feel more real, or rather it made the pain he had put his family through all the more real.   
    "I'm so sorry," he tried to apologize but Name interrupted him, putting a hand on his back.  
    "Don't be ridiculous, Duo," she scolded lightly, "We're your family, this is what family does when one of them is in trouble. We worry, we take care of things for them, and we try to make things easier. You went through a terrifying experience and it's our job to help you pick up the pieces. It isn't anything you wouldn't do for any of us, and you know that. Now come on, let's get you home."  
    Duo smiled at that. Home... he was finally going back home.  
  
*****  
  
    As Name parked the car in the driveway and they all piled out, Duo was filled with a nervous energy that he couldn't quite place. Their front yard was even more beautiful than he had remembered it being the day he had been taken. Someone had mowed the lush, green grass recently and there were flowers that seemed more brilliant and better kept than the ones at the hospital. Tulips, blue bells, daffodils... all the flowers he struggled to name when Name had broached the subject of what they were going to plant for the Summer season with him.  
    He remembered just giving her a wide eyed look as she showed him the seed catalogue and informed her that he didn't know a single thing about flowers besides you were supposed to buy them for the sick or the dead. As they had looked through the catalogue of various different kinds and colors, Duo had been surprised at just how many there were. They had planted them months ago, Name patiently teaching him how to do it. When he had disappeared their green stems and leaves had been poking out through the ground, some just starting to open. Now they were all in full, wild bloom. It was just another thing he had missed out on, a small thing, but it made his heart hurt all of a sudden.   
    Name opened the door for him, letting him be the first one inside, Heero hanging back, carrying Duo's things. Duo was startled for a minute by how cool it was inside of the house when it was starting to get so hot outside already before he remembered the central air. Wes didn't believe in such creature comforts and even when the temperature had hit the 90's and 100's outside, he had only gotten a few fans. The apartment, and especially the closet, had been hot, but as he had gotten sicker and gone through fevers and chills, he hadn't noticed it that much. Now the cool air was incredibly soothing  
    He kicked his shoes off by the door and put them in the closet with the rest of the family's shoes and coats, like he always did. For a moment, he thought he could pretend that this was like any ordinary day. He had gone to the hospital for a check up, or to get one of the many vaccines he needed to get regularly that most people got when they were kids or babies and now Name was dropping him back off at home. A day like any other, a day that wasn't special or sad... But then he walked into the kitchen and all those feelings he had tried so hard to ignore came flooding back.  
    Everything was exactly how he had remembered, and he didn't know why he had expected something major to have changed in here or anywhere else in the house. He could smell what his family had had for breakfast; sausage, cheese, eggs, bacon, and mushrooms, as well as the sweet smell of something baked. All the things that they had eaten right before Heero and Name had left for London. Right before everything had gone to hell and he had made the worst decision he had made since Name had taken him in.   
    Those smells made his stomach twist up, not in hunger, but in memory. He remembered that morning so vividly, somehow more vividly than any of his days in the ward even though it had happened two weeks ago.  He remembered how nervous he had been with Heero and Name leaving just for a couple of days, all of his fears about Wes coming after him while they were away, but even the greater, his fear of Heero going back to London and never coming back.  
    Now that fear seemed so stupid. Heero cared about him, this was their home. His best friend had been at his side through all of his shit and had never abandoned him, even when he had Quatre and Trowa to fall back on. Heero wouldn't give up on him like that, and he hadn't, at least not over something like going back to the place that he had moved from. He couldn't claim to know what the Japanese boy would do or feel when he told him the truth.   
    Duo remembered fighting against those fears, resolving to focus on his excitement over spending the summer with his family and friends and showing Heero and Name how strong he could be, that he wasn't just their dead weight. And he remembered the overwhelming terror he had felt when he had woken up in the too familiar kitchen of Wes' apartment, knowing that he would probably never see his real home ever again. Even with his conflicting feelings about Wes, that belief had devastated him.  
    Duo reached out and lightly touched the kitchen door frame as though he had to reassure himself that it was really there. He knew how the wood would feel even before his fingers touched the smooth surface. It felt so real, so good, like a song he had heard a thousand times before, but hadn't heard in a long time. He felt tears trickle down his cheeks, but he was detached from them.  
    How many times in that dark and lonely closet had he thought he would never get to touch this door frame again? How many times had he tried to come to terms with never hearing Name's voice again or laying in his bed again? And how many times did that absence kill him inside?  
    'I'm coming back,' Heero's voice echoed in his head, strong and confident.  
    'Yes, he came back, just like he promised me he would,' Duo thought in agony, 'but I didn't.'  
    Duo lost his tentative grip on his emotions, the trickle of tears becoming a torrent. He pressed his hands to his face, hiding his sorrow in shame and only succeeded in sobbing harshly into them. He felt Name's arms go around him, as tightly as Heero's had in the hospital parking lot, and he buried face in her chest. She rubbed his back as he cried, not caring that he was soaking his shirt or the sort of spectacle he was making in front of Heero.   
    Name didn't say a word as she held him, and she didn't need to. Her embrace felt so good, even better than it had to walk into this house again. Wes had never hugged him. That realization hit him like a physical blow. He had told him that he loved him, had kissed him, told him he would leave his entire life behind for him, but he had never once hugged him, and never like this. As good as Name's hug made him feel, it also made him hate himself for ever so much as considering leaving her for Wes. It made him realize just how fucked he was, how torn his heart was and had been for a very long time now. He knew that Wes had broken him, but it took his mother's arms around him to remind him just how much. This was all he had ever wanted, he just hadn't realized it until he had silenced all the poisonous voices in his head with that knife.   
    "I'm sorry," he murmured into Name's shirt, not really knowing exactly what he was apologizing for, crying into her clothes, losing it so easily, or for almost abandoning her like he had been abandoned, all for a man that in the end had amounted to nothing more than his rapist and abductor.  
    "Hush," she soothed, stroking his hair, "it's alright, Duo."  
     He wiped at his face when she eventually let him go, and blinked up at her, his eyes tinged red, as she cupped his cheek and brushed his bangs back with her other.  
    "Honey, do you think you can lay down for a nap?" she asked.  
    He nearly said no, that he had just gotten home, and he had slept decently last night, but he knew himself well enough to know exhaustion when he felt it. His body might be well rested, but his heart wasn't. He was home, and he could tell himself that it was all over, that he was safe and loved, but he felt worn down, torn between feeling overly emotional and empty inside. He was very well acquainted with the effect stress could have on him, and even though he wasn't in the mental ward, he was definitely stressed. Every time he looked at Name and Heero, while he was filled with love for them, and relief that he was back here, he also felt fear at the knowledge that, eventually, he would have to tell them the truth. He nodded.   
    "I think so," he confessed.  
    Name touched his back lightly and led him up the steps and he let her lead him, although she certainly didn't need to. She flashed her older son a look and he nodded. Honestly, as well as Duo had looked coming out of the hospital, he had expected this. It didn't matter how much rest his best friend had had the last two nights, Duo had gone through five days of who knew what kind of hell, plus more than a week in the hospital and a psych ward. Emotionally, he was still a wreck. It was the same as when they had brought him home from the hospital that first time, how quickly he had needed to go take a nap. Duo might not be as overwhelmed and shaken as he had been then, but he was still recovering, still trying to find his feet.   
    As his mother led Duo to his room, Heero put his box of things by his door and quietly walked to his own. That first day Duo had come home here, he had been unable to understand why he had broken down so quickly, wanting to believe that everything was fine, but now Heero understood the kind of strain his friend was going through, what his post traumatic stress disorder did to him and he knew that this was going to happen. This time he had no problems moving off to the sidelines. Trowa and Quatre had known when Duo needed them, when he needed them to give him space, and when to make themselves scarce, and Heero certainly did, too.   
    His bedroom was just about the most beautiful thing that Duo had ever seen. Everything was exactly like how he left it. Even the things he had left askew, like the books on his desk, hadn't been touched. It was like it had been frozen in time. Shei and Toby were curled up on his bed, Toby at the foot of it and Shei on his pillows. He was glad to see they were more used to each other now. When he had left, the two cats had still not really known how to take each other.   
    Shei had been adventurous at first, used to playing with Shiva, and had tried to do so with the large tomcat, but he had ignored her entirely. When she wouldn't give up and had taken to following him around, he had gotten annoyed and hissed at her, which had made her skittish around him. He hadn't liked her much around him when he was napping on the bed either, chasing her off if she jumped up there, although he never so much as nipped her. Apparently in the time he had been gone they had gotten much more comfortable with each other. He felt it that pain in his chest again, that ache that came with realizing how the world had gone on without him, while for him in that apartment, time hadn't just stood still, it had gone backwards.   
    Shei seemed to realize his presence or hadn't been sleeping very deeply, cracking open an eye. When she saw him, she got to her feet and meowed loudly in excitement. Duo picked her up with a soft smile, kissing the top of her head.  
    "Hi, there, baby girl," he soothed as she rubbed her head against his.  
    Shiva ran into the room at the sound of Shei's meow and made a similar, but much louder meow at seeing her owner. If she had been angry at his lengthy absence, she didn't show it. She continued to meow insistently, as though her life depended on it, and rubbed desperately against his legs. Duo gently placed Shei back on the bed and picked up the older black cat. It wasn't difficult, she was more than eager to get into his arms.   
    Duo felt tears form in his eyes as she nuzzled his neck and purred happily. It felt so good to hold a cat in his arms again, to hold _her_. He wasn't ashamed to admit that Shiva had always been his favorite and had always felt the deepest connection with her, the one that looked the most like her mother, Midnight, and was the most attached at the hip with him, even more than Shei. He didn't feel ashamed to cry now, either. He had missed them, all of them, not as much as his human family, but his feline one was just as much a part of him, his past and his pillar of security and love as Name and Heero were.   
    Toby finally uncurled from his napping position and walked to Duo, making a soft murr noise and nuzzled his hand, giving it a small lick, a gesture Duo was used to from Shiva but had never seen from Toby. He stroked the large tom's head as the Javanese stared up at him with ancient, all knowing eyes. He stayed like that for several minutes as Name patiently unpacked his box of personal items. Finally, when the tears stopped, he let Shiva down, dug out some pajamas from his dresser, and went to the bathroom to change, the black cat following him around as though she didn't want to let him out of her sight.   
    Duo undressed slowly, taking in all of the familiar things in the bathroom that he had dreamed about for the last two weeks, folding his clothes and putting them on the toilet since he had barely worn them. He slipped on a loose fitting t-shirt and pajama pants with little cartoon penguins on them, his favorite and most familiar pair because he liked how soft they felt. He debated taking his hair out from the braid so it wouldn't get tangled in his sleep, but decided against it. The very first thing he did when he woke up was going to take the longest shower of his life and wash it properly with his own shampoo, not the hospital's or ward's.   
    Duo filled his cupped hands with warm water from the sink and used it to wash his face. It felt soothing even though his face wasn't dirty and it didn't do anything to make him feel more alert. He stared at his reflection in the mirror over the sink. He looked vastly different than the last time he had looked at himself in a mirror. He wasn't pale anymore, the dark circles under his eyes, while still there, were fainter now. He didn't look like one of the living dead, or like he was about to fade away. He almost looked like he had before, before Wes had kidnapped him, before he had shown up at his work and shot him. Duo rubbed at his face tiredly.   
    'I'm going to tell them,' he told himself resolutely, even as the thought of doing so sent terror raging through him, 'I'm going to tell Name and Heero the truth, and none of this is going to disappear. Even if they don't talk to me ever again, even if they lose trust in me, I'll do it.'  
    His hands started to shake and Duo focused all of his strength to make them stop.  
    "They'll still love me," he murmured to himself.  
    He felt a few tears fall down his cheeks and wiped at them, refusing to let the fear in his heart show on his face at all. Shiva meowed up at him and he picked her up, hugging as tightly as he dared to. He walked out of the bathroom with her and saw with surprise that Name was still there, pushing the covers down for him. She smiled at him, and if she knew how frightened he was, she didn't betray anything herself. He let her tuck him in, not caring at the moment that it made him feel like a child. Shiva took her customary place curled up against his chest while Shei laid down on the pillow near his head. He expected Toby to wander out of the room or jump up on the desk like he always did when Duo went to sleep, but for the first time, he laid down by the human's feet.   
    "Rest for as long as you need," Name told him, brushing his long bangs from his face, "I'll make something nice to eat when you're ready to get up. Is there anything you want?"  
    Duo shook his head.  
    "I'll love anything that you make, Mom," he said tiredly.  
    That made Name's smile widen. She kissed his forehead and left him to sleep. For once, it didn't take long. Duo fell into a deep sleep in minutes.  
  
End Part 21


	68. The Second Son Part 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero debates telling Duo that he loves him. Duo decides to come clean about what happened when he was kidnapped, but will Heero be able to understand why he did what he did, or will he condemn him for it?

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8  
Part 22      
  
  
  
    Heero almost missed school. He had never really liked it, and it was only lately that he was starting to really enjoy it, thanks to his best friend, but he would never like it anymore than he would like it when he eventually took the company over after his mother. Still, homework assignments were always a great distraction whenever he had needed one, like now. At least he could have something to pretend to do while he was lying here on his bed, listening intently for any sounds coming from Duo's room.   
    Even though their bedrooms were right next to each other, the walls were thick, so he couldn't hear if Duo was awake or watching tv if the volume was low, but if his friend had a nightmare, he would be able to hear it. The longhaired boy had already been asleep for five hours now and he hadn't made a peep so far, but Heero was still alert, waiting for even the slightest sound of distress.  
    "Bullshit," Heero snorted derisively at his own thoughts.  
    He could hear the faint sounds of his mother puttering around in the kitchen, getting dinner ready for whenever Duo awoke, and could hear the news playing from the radio on the oven. He wasn't down there helping her or not watching his own tv or playing video games because he was trying to listen to see if his friend needed him. He was thinking, hard, and had been since his friend had gone to bed. In all of those hours, his thoughts and feelings tore at him, not letting him get any rest himself.  
    He should be happy that Duo was home, and he was, but he also felt deeply troubled. Duo's kidnapping had made him realize a few unpleasant things, things he had pushed out of the way and ignored while his friend had been recovering, but now that he was back and talking again, had risen to the surface. With Duo back home, there was nothing left to distract him from them.  
    When they had first discovered that Duo had been taken, they had all been frantic to find out who had done it. It had, of course, turned out to be Wes, which hadn't surprised any of them, but that long list of possible kidnappers had stayed with Heero. Relena, Zechs, Chris, Noventa, Mizu or the dozens of other people from both Heero and Duo's lives that might want to hurt either of them. It could have been any of them, in Heero's mind they were all perfectly capable in motive and means to try to abduct Duo, which only meant that any of them could in the future. He was safe now, but for how long? What could any of them do to stop it the next time it happened?  
    Heero remembered how quickly Duo had broken down when they had brought him home this morning.   
    ‘He wasn’t crying because he was happy to be home,’ Heero thought as he gazed up at the ceiling, ‘he was crying because he almost hadn’t.’  
    Heero shuddered. No matter what he thought or felt about all this, it always came back to that. Duo had almost been lost to them forever. They were all incredibly, almost impossibly, lucky, both that Duo had gotten away from Wes, and that he had been released from the psych ward. He had very nearly slipped through their fingers like fine sand, and it seemed like there was nothing they could do to stop it from happening again. He rubbed at his eyes tiredly, but the image of his best friend covered in blood and struggling to speak stayed there.  
    ‘He could have died or Wes could have made him disappear forever, and I never got to tell him how much I love him.’  
    Heero instantly berated himself for that thought. He had already decided he would never ever tell Duo that... right? He had realized, a long time ago, that if he ever told his friend the truth, it would be terribly selfish and damaging. Duo wasn’t ready for a relationship. Hell, Duo wasn’t ready to even understand what romance and consensual sex were really like.   
    Heero had seen how Duo looked at Quatre and Trowa sometimes. And if he even suspected that Heero wanted that from him, it would scare him, make him feel inadequate, or even make him feel like he had to reciprocate for Heero’s sake. Worse, it would take his best friend away from him when he was just starting to get solid ground under his feet, to have a stable life for the first time.  
    Heero didn’t even know if Duo would ever be able to handle such a declaration, if anything good would ever come out of it, so he had hastily chosen to just lock those feelings away. But he really hadn’t. They were still there, all that love and passion and need.     Could he really keep it a secret, did he even have that option? He had almost blurted it out numerous times now, and had never nearly kissed his friend twice. The longer he kept it buried inside, the more likely it seemed he was going to do something stupid. Telling him his feelings was one thing, but just suddenly kissing him...  
    Heero groaned and quickly sat up, He wished that could talk to his mother about this, she always had an answer for every situation, but he didn’t dare. His mother was as far from a homophobe as a person could get, but that fear was still there, illogical and strong.  
    ‘Duo isn’t as fragile as he was before,’ he told himself.   
    That was certainly true. The Duo that they had first taken home from the hospital, shaking, weak, overly anxious and on the verge of an emotional breakdown, was not the Duo that had been discharged from the psych ward this morning. If that other Duo had found himself in the same situation, he would have given up. He wouldn’t have had the confidence or the strength to win his voice back, to come home to them. But even if that was true, it didn’t mean that Duo was ready to deal with Heero’s feelings for him.   
    ‘But can I bare it if he disappears again and there was a chance, even a tiny one, that he _was_ strong enough?’  
    Heero looked at the wall that distanced his room from Duo’s and felt weary. He knew that there wasn’t a right answer to that, anymore than there was to him wondering which scenario was more painful, missing the chance at love or destroying the best friendship he had ever had. He stood and walked out of his room and found himself in front of Duo’s closed door, fist raised.  
    ‘Wait... what the hell am I doing?’  
    He ignored the rampant thought. He was sick of being torn by this, of thinking.  
    He knocked. Some part of himself hoped that Duo was fast asleep and wouldn’t answer, that he would take this asinine decision he had made out of his hands.  
    “Come in.”  
    Heero took a deep breath, walked into the room, and closed the door behind him. Duo was sitting on his bed by the window, still wearing his pajamas, wide awake but he didn't look tired, so he must have slept well. He had opened the shades and for a moment Heero was worried that he was falling back to that disturbing habit of watching the street that he had taken up over a month ago after Wes had shot him. But as he studied his friend, Heero realized that Duo wasn't really focused on the window at all. That struck him as strange. Even if the longhaired boy wasn't in that hyper-paranoid state like he had been, Wes was still a threat, but Duo hadn't seemed all that worried about the man coming after him again.  
    Shiva was in Duo's lap, sitting almost in a human way with her owner petting her stomach, the black cat purring contently. Even as Duo looked at him, he seemed far away, deep in some thought. Heero recognized his petting of his cat as the security blanket that it was. His best friend looked... Heero didn't know if he could call it disturbed, but definitely troubled. He looked weary without the tiredness of a lack of sleep, and incredibly anxious. Truthfully, he looked like a child that had done something terrible and completely wrong, and was wondering just how mad their parents were going to be at them.  
    That was exactly what it was, Heero realized. The look on Duo's face was one of intense guilt and fear, the kind that could drive a person mad if they felt it long enough. Heero walked around the bed and sat next to the violet eyed boy. He felt that love he had been so ready to confess fill him and all at once, the reason he had come here was lost to him, he was too consumed with that look that didn't belong on his friend's face and a burning need for answers to focus on anything else.  
    "Are you ready to talk to me now?" Heero asked softly, placing his hand over Duo's.  
    Duo fussed with Shiva's back paw, the cat not caring one bit, and was unable to meet Heero's eyes. The older boy could feel his hand shaking. He was terrified of whatever he was thinking of.  
    "I should be," Duo murmured, "I'm never going to be anymore ready, and I promised I would, and I _know_ that I need to, but... I'm scared. I'm just too scared."  
    Heero knew the difference between when his best friend needed him to back down, to protect him and shelter him, and when he needed to be pushed. He knew with certainty that this was one of those latter times.  
    "What are you so afraid of?" he asked, his voice not losing its gentle tone, "I told you, no one is going to be angry at you or think any less of you, no matter what happened."  
    "You can't know that!" Duo protested, "You don't know what happened, so how can you be so certain?"  
    "Because I care for you and I will never stop caring for you, even if you make me mad."  
    Duo chewed on his lip.  
    "I don't know what to say... how... how to express what happened..."  
    Duo's fumbling uncertainty and his fear was heart breaking, but Heero was desperate to finally hear the truth of what he had gone through in the five days he had been missing and what had made him go mute.   
    "Just tell me the facts," Heero urged and gave him one final push, "What happened after school the day you were kidnapped? Trowa said you had decided to walk home by yourself. Where did you go when you left the school parking lot?"  
    Duo took a deep breath. Was he really going to do this? His memories of that day came to him in a rush, and dread filled him, knowing what those memories led to. A thousand voices in his head clamored and pleaded and demanded that he not say a thing, that Heero and Name would hate him, that it was too painful to remember. He ignored all of them desperately focused on Heero's questions to shut out all his fears.  
    "I was scared to go home by myself," he admitted, "but I needed to go through with it, or I thought I had at the time. I was so sure I would be safe, or at least safe enough that if Wes _did_ try something, there would be witnesses. There's a group of kids that take the public buses after clubs let out, when all the school buses are gone. Mr. Khushrenada kept me after class to talk to me about my grades, and club activities pretty much wind down at the end of the year, so I caught up with them easily.   
    "We waited at the bus stop for a long time. There was such a big group, I wasn't scared that anything was going to happen. But then we learned that there had been an accident, and there wouldn't be another bus for hours. Everyone started to leave, but no one was going the way I needed to go to get home. I thought about going back to the school, but I'd still have no way to get home," Duo's fingers fidgeted under Heero's, "or... that's what I had thought then. I've thought about it a lot since then, that I could have just asked Mr. Khushrenada for a ride, but I'm not so sure, even if I had thought of it, if I would have done that. I wanted to prove that I was strong enough to do something like that so badly. I wanted to prove, to you and Mom and even myself that I wouldn't let Wes get to me, that I could move on. Even though I was scared, I don't know if I would have turned back at that point."  
    Heero almost protested that he had nothing to prove to him, that he had admired his strength for such a long time, but he was scared that interrupting Duo at this point might make him stop talking.   
    "I didn't have the money to get a taxi and even if I had, I didn't want to risk being trapped in a cab."  
    Heero nodded, remembering how far Duo claimed Wes' reach was.   
    "I thought if I just stayed near people, nothing would happen. I've always known that Wes was crazy, but he always seemed too smart to risk getting caught. I decided to take a side street home because it was faster. It was a stupid decision. I knew Wes so well, but I had forgotten how much he knew me, too. It wouldn't have taken much for him to figure out that you and Mom left the country, especially if he was keeping tabs on us. I don't know how he knew I was going to walk home alone. Maybe he had prepared for all of us to be going together and just assumed we would be walking, but more likely he had someone in the school keeping tabs on me and they overheard us talking about it. I'm sure he figured out which route I'd take, the one that was the fastest."  
  
 _"You bolt like a fucking deer, just a mindless animal whenever you're frightened. It's pathetic, but I guess I can't expect more from a stupid, feral beast."_  
  
    Duo shuddered at Wes' voice in his head, harsh and mocking, yet another memory he would never shake, and hurriedly continued his narrative before Heero had the chance to ask him what was wrong.  
    "I thought that street would be safe. I almost didn't go down it, since it was nearly isolated, but there was a man sitting in his car. I thought he would help if anything happened. I don't know why I expected that," he said in a bitter tone that tore at Heero's heart, making him feel rage at the nameless man who had cracked the new faith in people that they had worked so hard to instill in Duo.   
    Duo thought about what might have happened that day if he had listened to his initial instincts that day and taken the long way around, but he knew there was no point in wondering what could have been, he might as well wonder what would have happened if he had never followed Wes to his apartment eight years ago for all the good it did him.   
    "Wes was waiting for me. He came up behind me and pressed a gun to my back. He ordered me to get into his car. I thought about going for my tazer, that I might have a chance if he didn't want to kill me, but I was too frightened to even try."  
    "I'm glad you were," Heero interrupted, unable to keep both the relief and the frustration out of his voice.  
    Duo stared at him in shock and Heero felt that frustration grow, that his friend was so concerned about not seeming like some weak coward and didn't understand how he felt.  
    "Duo, I know you have this... this need to prove your worth to us, to show us you are stronger than you were before, but you don't need to! You've pulled yourself out of a darkness that most people in that situation couldn't even fathom surviving. Every day you are with us is a testament of your strength and resolve. And I would never, ever, _ever_ want you to risk your life for something like that! Giving in to save your life does not make you weak! And Wes telling you that he cares for you doesn't mean shit when it comes to your welfare!"  
    "I know that," Duo said softly, Heero's words making him blush.  
    He still wasn't entirely used to it, knowing that there were people who loved him so much, they were less concerned with his faults and all of his screw ups than his health and accomplishments.  
    'Wes said that he loved me, but all he ever did was profit off of me and show me that love when it was convenient. If it meant saving his own skin, would he have saved me or thrown me to the wolves?'  
    It was a question he would never get an answer to, but a question he would never need to ask Heero or his mom because he already their answers.   
    "I want to believe that Wes never would have tried to kill me if I had pulled my tazer on him, but I'm sure he would have. He had very nearly killed me hundreds of times since I was a kid. I told myself that that was in the past, that he loved me now, so he wouldn't take my life, but even then I knew that wasn't true. Wes was a survivor, I've never seen him hesitate to do whatever it took to get out of a life or death situation without a scratch. And when he got mad, no manner of reason could stop him. I feel like I should have fought back harder against him, but at the same time I know it would have just gotten me killed."  
    Heero felt a burst of pride for his best friend then. In the past, it would have taken a long time to get Duo to realize that not fighting back didn't mean the situation was his fault or it made him weak and pathetic, that surrendering was some times the best option for survival. He felt so proud that Duo had grown this much that he could come to that conclusion on his own and not let his guilt consume him. He was positive now that whatever had been eating at the boy this entire time had nothing to do with guilt at being abused again. This was something different.  
    "When we got to the car, I finally did panic. All I could think about was him making me disappear, like when I had run away from school, and never seeing you again. He slammed my head into some part of the car and injected me with a sedative. Whatever it was, it knocked me out in seconds and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in the kitchen of the apartment, hand cuffed to the table. Wes was just sitting there, going through my book bag, like he owned everything in it, just like he used to own everything in my life. It made me so angry, that so little in my life had changed."  
    "That isn't true," Heero protested, "Men like Wes never really change, but you have. He doesn't own you, not your body or all of the hard work you've done since you left him. Him thinking that he does doesn't make it true."  
    Duo gently picked Shiva out of his lap and placed her on the bed next to him. She made a small noise of irritation at losing her comfortable place and jumped off the bed in annoyance. Duo bent his knees and hugged them to his chest, a vulnerable position that made Heero hurt to find some way to comfort him.  
    "I know that, I've known it for awhile now. But you need to understand this. My life with him... it broke me. Yes, he broke me deeply when he unchained me from his bed that time and told me that he loved me, but he broke me in little ways over the course of those eight years, bit by bit. When I got away from him, it was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me. I was able to get perspective and see what it was like, having a family, having people that loved me. I was able to see the true extent to what Wes' abuse had done to me, in a way I hadn't been able to see before because I was so immersed in it.   
    "I told myself I could be strong, that I knew what was right, but when he came back for me, it was like all those things I felt before I came to live with you came flooding back. All my bad habits, all that darkness, it never went away, and Wes brought it all back. The worst thing wasn't him kidnapping me, taking me away from my family, it was going back to that apartment and not only remembering everything that I had tried so hard to forget, but living it all over again. All the things that I was so sure of, that I was going to live a better, healthier life, I had doubts about for the first time since I became a part of this family. You have no idea how much that hurt me and made me hate and doubt myself, and I don't want you to. Wes made me revert back to the person I used to be, or at least a shadow of that person, so quickly, it made me feel like nothing had changed."  
    Duo rubbed at his eyes, knowing full well that he was crying. He wasn't even at the hardest part yet. He glanced at his friend and saw tears on his face, too. It should have made him feel terrible for making Heero sad, but he felt happy that he cared about him that much to cry for him. Every time he saw those tears, it shocked him, realizing all over again the depth of their relationship. It gave him the strength to continue.  
    "He broke my phone. I had known how feeble hoping to be rescued was, but I still thought that it could be my ace in the hole, like in Boston. Wes always was smarter than Chris, smarter than anyone when it came to surviving and keeping his head above water. I had known it wouldn't be that easy, but loosing that lifeline almost did me in. He told me that I owed him my life for telling Chris not to kill us in Boston, and I knew it was true."  
    "Duo that's-" Heero started to refute that, but Duo refused to let him finish what he was about to say.  
    "It _is_ true. Chris was about to slit my throat, and he was going to slit yours afterwards, that's just a fact. If Wes hadn't told him to leave us alone, we would both be dead," Duo said sternly, making Heero shudder, "I can accept that I owe the man my life, but I've also come to realize that I don't owe him my livelihood or my happiness, despite what he thought. When he insisted that he had owned me since I had been a child, and called you a mutt, I snapped. It was stupid of me to let him get to me over something like that, the worst thing I could have done was make him angry, and he was high strung as it was, but I couldn't handle it, him reminding me how much he used to control me, and his attitude about it... like I should be grateful for everything he did. I told him 'fuck you,' but it was enough to set him off.   
    "I had never said that to him, not ever in the eight years I had been with him. I'm lucky he didn't break any of my bones over it. If anyone else had said that to him, he would have broken their neck without any hesitation."  
    Heero felt himself shudder again at the reminder of the danger Duo had been in. He told himself that it was fine, Duo was alive, he had come back to them relatively unharmed, but it didn't help at all.  
    "He dragged me to a closet in the hall outside the kitchen, threw me in it, and locked the door," Duo's breath hitched at the admission.  
    The fear he had felt then when he had realized that Wes intended to lock him up in the dark again filled him. He had beaten him in the end, but just remembering how helpless he had been made him feel like a child and his hands shook, recalling that small, dark place. What it had felt like being in there, all alone, the silence, the isolation...   
    Duo felt himself start to hyperventilate like he had then, the panic attack coming swift and hard just from the mere memory of it. He clenched his fists and tried to gain control over it, trying to focus on the fading summer light coming from the window and the wide, spacious walls of his bedroom. Heero swept him onto his lap, hugging him tightly.  
    "Oh, god, Duo," his best friend said into his hair, his voice filled with the horror that Duo had been feeling, "I am so sorry."  
    That was right, Duo thought, Heero knew all about his phobia about dark places, he was one of the few people who really understood how being in that closet had made him feel. He was again struck by this contrast between his best friend and his father. Heero understood, just from him telling him that Wes had locked him in a closet. Wes hadn't. More than being unable to understand his fear, he had been disgusted by it.   
    "He kept me in there the entire time, I think," Duo murmured and Heero tightened his embrace, making it hurt a little but it felt so good to be so close to him that when he was remembering these things that Duo didn't care, "By the end of those five days, my fever was so bad I started to lose large spots of time, or at least I think that was what happened. There were no lights or windows, no way to tell if it was night or day or how long I had been there. All it was was darkness and Wes that entire time. He had done that to me before, when I was much younger as a part of my training. I was alone in the dark so long that when he finally opened the door to let me out, I was happy and grateful to see someone, to see _him_ that I did everything he asked me to without hesitation. I don't know if he locked me in there to get me to react like that again, or to keep me contained or just to hurt me. I don't remember how I was going to the bathroom, or if my memories of him bathing me are real."  
    Heero continued to stroke his hair and tried to keep his rage under control. Wes hadn't just kidnapped the boy he loved, he had put him under sensory and social deprivation for almost a week. He was actually glad that Duo had gotten sick, that he had been too feverish to remember the entire nightmare. He hoped it had brought him some sort of peace, instead of being hyper aware all that time. Wes was a sick fuck. Heero had always known that, but the more Duo talked about him, the more Heero wanted to smash the prick's head in with his bare hands.  
    "Did he rape you?" Heero asked in a tone that was just above a whisper.  
    He didn't want to know the answer, even though he was already sure of it, and prayed that if Wes had, Duo didn't remember it. Duo hesitated with his answer.   
      
 _'Can I even call this rape?'_  
  
    "... Yes," he finally admitted and Heero felt his heart drop into his stomach, "When he came back into the closet, he tied me up with wire," Duo rubbed at the bandages on his arms and struggled speaking the rest of this memory, "He was... strange. I don't know how to describe it. He wasn't acting like himself. He was so rough when he tied me up, and he intentionally squeezed the surgical scars on my side, but then he _apologized_ for hurting me there. I have never heard him apologize to anyone before, _ever_. I'm used to him beating me and taking whatever he wanted from me by force, but not that. And when he told me again that he loved me, it was worse than any other blow he could have dealt me. It was the most painful thing he could have done. It confused me. _He_ confused me. I spent all this time choosing not to believe that it was true, that he had told me he loved me that first time to control me, but he was so sincere. Hearing him say that should have made me angry or happy, one or the other, but it killed me inside because I felt both of those things at the same time and I hated myself for it."  
    Heero felt his insides clench in guilt as he thought of his own feelings.  
    'That's not true,' he told himself, 'I'm not Wes, I'm _not_.'  
    "And when he made lo- ... when he raped me, for the first time in my life, he was gentle. Really gentle, and _intimate_ , like he cherished me. It would have been better if he had brutalized me like Chris had. He said he missed me, and kissed me, and I started to wonder if..." his voice hitched and Duo realized he was crying again, "... if it was really rape, because some part of me _did_ like it. It didn't hurt... it felt _nice_ not for it to hurt for once. I still didn't want that from him, I still couldn't say no, but at the same time it felt good. He made it feel good. He could do that, if he wanted to, and for once he actually did want to. The only thing that was the same as how he used to fuck me was the shame I felt.  
    "When he was done, he told me that he wanted me to stay with him forever. He used those exact words, that it was what he _wanted_. All my life, anything he wanted from me, he stole. He didn't need to ask, I was powerless and it was unlikely anyone was coming to save me, but he still asked. And then he..." Duo took a few deep breaths, trying to compose himself as his memories and feelings threatened to overwhelm him, "he promised me that if I chose to stay with him, he would never make me whore myself again. He said that I would be his, just his, he would give me anything and everything I would ever need. He said that we could even more away from here, anywhere I wanted to go. I didn't want to believe him, I wanted to believe he was lying to get me to be more compliant, but I knew that he was telling the truth. He was prepared to give up everything, his entire _life_ , just to be with me.  
    "All I could think about when he said that was how I had been before I had met you, and what that person had wanted, what that person would have said. Before I met you, if Wes had told me that he loved me and wouldn't make me be a prostitute anymore, I would have agreed to go with him in a heart beat."  
    For a moment, Heero felt a surge of jealousy before common sense came crashing back down on him and he realized all the things that Duo wasn't saying.  
    "You aren't worth that little," he said.  
    Duo's startled expression hurt and it made Heero ache to know that his best friend used to feel like that every day of his life, that he was worthless and whatever scraps threw him, whether it be food, shelter, healthcare, or even love, it was more than he deserved.  
    "Whatever Wes felt for you, it wasn't good enough for you," Heero said in conviction, and hated that those words brought fresh tears to Duo's eyes, even if those tears were happy ones, ones of love, because he shouldn't need to say such things to confirm them for his friend, "He made you wait eight years to tell you he loved you, and he only told you that to make sure you would stay tied to him, even though he probably cared for you for a long time. You've told me how cunning and smart Wes is, and how well he knows you. He knew how much those words meant to you, how much you needed to hear them, but he didn't say them until it served his purpose.   
    "For eight years, he forced the boy he loved to have sex with strangers for money, to be raped and degraded. For eight years, he raped you, beat you, _tortured you_. He said he loves you, yet he only gave you one pleasant sexual experience after thousands of brutal rapes, and even then he _still_ raped you. He had the power to show you that so-called love he supposedly feels, but he never did, he never comforted you or tried to make things better until he lost you. Does that sound like someone who really loves you?"  
    Heero thought he might have pushed a little too hard in his anger at Wes and his desperation to make Duo understand the truth when he started to sob, but the longhaired boy clutched at his shirt and rested his head against his chest, making Heero's heart race.  
    “No,” Duo cried, “I know he never really loved me, I know that he told me too late. If he had said it before you moved here, I would have chosen him, because I had _nothing else_. Just him, and his idea of love would have been better than the nothing I’ve had my entire life! But I met you... and Mom... and Quatre and Trowa and Wufei... I learned what love is from people who really care for me, so how could he ever be enough for me? How could I ever choose him over you?”  
    Duo buried his face in his hands, his cries sounding like they were actually causing him physical pain.  
    “That’s why I’m so ashamed,” he sobbed out, “I hate myself so much!”  
    “Duo, you have nothing to be ashamed of!” Heero grabbed Duo’s wrists and pulled his hands from his face so he could look at him. The self-loathing and agony on the violet boy’s face was like a blow to Heero’s gut.  
    “Yes, I do,” Duo said hatefully and the truth of that shame was horrible to the older boy.  
    “Why?” Heero demanded, “You knew that he couldn’t love you like you needed, you knew what a monster he was, that there was no way you were going to go with him...”  
    Duo took a shuddering breath. He had thought that telling Heero he was a killer was going to be the hardest part of this... but this was impossible. All the self-hatred he had felt in that closet and in the hospital when he had been reunited with his family was coming back in a tidal wave.   
    “Because I almost told him yes!” he finally managed to get out and Heero’s look of shock became a dagger in his heart.  
    Duo took a few breaths to calm himself so he didn’t start screaming or have a panic attack before continuing.  
    “I told him no,” he whispered like it was a horrible secret, and for so long it had been, “but inside, I didn’t know. For five days, _I didn’t know!_ I should have, any sane person would have known the answer, that a life with you and Mom, or a life with _him_ , that was no contest! But when he tried to make me choose, I couldn't. I love you, and I loved him. After everything he did to me, and after all you've done for me, I couldn't choose! I hate myself for that, for being unable to stand up to him, for being so dependent on him. I latched on to him like some kind of leech. I _let_ him abuse me by being too weak to decide what I really wanted, what I really needed. I let down the people that love me, and I let myself down when it really counted. How can I ever forgive myself?! I'm no better than he was!"  
    Heero cupped Duo's face in his hands, stopping his tirade which had grown into a frantic, almost senseless screaming.   
    "Duo, I want you to listen to me very carefully. You did _not_ let us down and we are not ashamed of you for being unable to decide. Of course I wish that choice had come easy for you, but only because it would have saved you heartache. You have _always_ been conflicted about Wes, and I have never expected that to change soon, if at all. You've grown enough that you see the damage he's done and want to change, that's more than I could have ever hoped for.   
    "You spent most of your life with him. You formed a bond with him, and that bond will always be there, _he_ will always be there, whether you want him to be or not. It's terrible and I would give anything to erase him from your life, but there's nothing anyone can do about it. I wish that you never had to make that choice, but it was inevitable. You came back to us... even if you still have feelings for him, you still made that choice, that's all that matters. You didn't betray us or yourself just because some part of you wanted to go with him."      
    Heero let go of Duo's face and Duo searched his for some hint that he was lying, that he really did hate him, but there was nothing. Only love and relief and Duo knew he was right. In the end, he had made his choice, and despite the circumstances, he wanted to believe it had been the right one. Even if it had come on the end of a knife.  
    Heero saw that his words had eased some of that self-loathing in his friend and felt relieved. He had meant every word he had said. He would never fully understand Duo's relationship with Wes, but he saw the pain that it brought him, and how he hated that he was still so connected to him. Wes was right, they would always be connected, there was nothing any of then could do to stop that. But the man hadn't realized that what connected Duo to him also connected Duo to them, and there was nothing the thug could do to change _that_. Duo might feel conflicted about his abuser, if he should hate him or love him, but Heero knew that no matter what Wes did, Duo would always come back to them.  
    "How badly did he hurt you when you told him no?" Heero asked, not wanting Duo to dwell on his self-loathing anymore and worried how his rapist had retaliated to being turned down.  
    "He grabbed me by the neck and pressed his knife against my throat. I was so sure I was going to die then... I thought that, after getting so lucky in Boston, there was no way I was going to escape it this time. All my life, I'd been waiting for him to kill me and believed it was inevitable," Heero felt his stomach churn at those words, not wanting to think about the boy he loved resigning himself to that fate, living with that kind of darkness in his head for so long, "But I was wrong. He didn't cut me... it was like he couldn't. He looked so angry at himself for it, but he didn't so much as nick me. It wasn't one of his mind games, I think whatever feelings he had for me finally got to him. He had no problem raping me and beating me, but he couldn't force himself to kill me. Instead, he offered me one last chance, he told me he would untie me and let me out of the closet if I agreed to stay with him. I was so tempted, not just because a part of me wanted to stay with him, but because I knew if I didn't do what he wanted he was going to lock me in there for a very long time and this was probably going to be my last chance to get out. But I still told him no."  
    "Why?" Heero asked, "You weren't sure of what you wanted, so why give him such a definitive answer, especially when it was making him so angry?"  
    "I might not have known what I wanted," Duo said, "or even what I should do... if leaving with him would protect you guys or it would save everyone, including myself, a lot of heartache in the end, or just disappearing like that would do more damage than it could prevent, but I couldn't tell him yes either. I didn't want to lose him and all the things that had been my childhood, but I didn't want to lose my new family and new life either. Looking back, I probably should have told him yes," Duo rushed his words before Heero could panic about that, "not because there was a part of me that wanted to, but because I should have tried to trick him into believing I would cooperate, then try to escape. But I was panicked about where I was and everything Wes had said to me and how he was acting, it didn't occur to me that I should do something like that while I still had my strength, before it was too late. Even if I had thought of it, I would have been too scared to try, too scared to even say those words, that the truth of them might come out and that part of me would win. I didn't even dare.   
    "He locked me in there and didn't come back all night. At least I think it was night. I only slept because I was so shell shocked, and even then I was too uncomfortable with how I was tied up and had too many nightmares to get any kind of rest. The longer I spent in that damned closet, the more and more confused I was when I woke up. I kept forgetting where and when I was. And every time Wes opened that door, I was just so happy to see him, it wasn't helping me to make a decision.  
    "I hated myself every time I felt happy about it. I hated him for doing that to me again, but I couldn't stop feeling that way. All those days, I just kept waffling between finding things that I loved about him, and remembering how pale that love was compared to what I feel for you and Mom, but it was never enough to help me. But even as I kept coming back to memories of when Wes was nice to me, those rare moments when he really _had_ been my father, some part of me knew I could never have a life with him, not like I can have a life here, and it kept reminding me of that, I just didn't want to listen, because I knew that if I did, I would lose him forever, and my past. That possibility was too frightening for me.  
    "I think I was only able to keep my sanity in there because Wes was so obsessed with this idea that the reason why I was telling him no was that I didn't believe he loved me. He thought that if he could make me believe in him, I would surrender. He never realized that I _did_ believe him, it was just never enough, his idea of love. I don't know how I would have reacted if he had treated me like he usually had, if it would have helped me, something familiar like that, or if the abuse would have made it worse.  
    "He was nice to me, as nice as a monster like him was capable of. He didn't drug me or try to use physical force to persuade me. The first time I woke up, I panicked and cut my arms on the wire. He used leather cuffs on me after that so I wouldn't hurt myself. He even got me a pillow and some blankets so I could sleep better. And when my loneliness overwhelmed me enough to ask him to stay with me when I slept, he did."  
    Duo's voice was heavy with guilt in every word he spoke, and that infernal self-loathing again, but Heero didn't know how to make him see that it was completely understandable that he would rely on and cling to Wes like that. He might have hated the man for putting him in that closet, but he was the only human contact the teenager had had for almost a week. He had been his only source of companionship, food, comfort, and care, and Heero knew what the dark did to his friend, how low it laid him. He didn't blame him for needing Wes, he just hated that his friend had to feel that kind of pain, that he went through something that terrible. He held the other boy's hand, his words failing him, but Duo gave his hand a squeeze to show how much he appreciated it.   
    "I got sick in there pretty quickly. I kept confusing what was happening with what happened when Wes had chained me to his bed that time, so much of it was the same; the dark, being unable to move, the fatigue, the loss of time, and how I kept drifting in and out of frequent naps. I wasn't sleeping well, or for long periods of time, but I also quickly lost the ability to stay away for a long time, which only made me feel more lost and disoriented. I would have done any sort of disgusting or degrading thing Wes had wanted me to do just for a peek at his watch or to know what day of the week it was.  
    "When I was awake, I thought the tedium would drive me crazy. I got into the habit of taking naps before I got sick simply so I wouldn't have to hear my own thoughts anymore. I sang and talked to myself, anything to pass the time before Wes came in again, but then I developed a cough, so that stopped. I cried a lot the first few days I was in there, but then I got so sick it made it too hard to breathe.   
    "Wes didn't make it any easier. He didn't have any kind of schedule that would have helped me to keep track of time or predict when he was going to 'visit' me. He came and went at different times. He would disappear for long periods of time, come in to rape me, leave, come back in hours later to feed me, and then disappear again. Each time he opened that door or I heard him walking around, I felt excited and scared at the same time.   
    "After awhile, I started to doubt that any of it was real. Then, I started to doubt that _you_ were real; this house, Mom... everything good that has happened to me since Wes released me from his bed. I got this idea in my head that you never found me after that, that Wes hadn't released me at all. It started as just a fear, a doubt in my head between the sensory deprivation and fever, then I truly started to believe it."  
    As Duo recounted his near mental breakdown, Heero felt him start to press further and further against him, as though that doubt still remained and he was trying to convince himself that it wasn't true. Heero wiped the fresh tears from Duo's cheeks and the younger boy closed his eyes, shivering at the warm realness of Heero's skin.  
    "I was so used to the dark," he whispered, "and pain and being scared and miserable, I became so sure that those memories of love and light and _home_ could not possibly be real. I fell back into that old thinking pattern so easily, that there was no way anyone could love me."  
    Heero felt himself start to cry again, too, envisioning Duo in that dark, lonely place, believing once again that he was alone, unloved, worthless, and had no hope of a better life. Worse, he had had a taste of what love was supposed to feel like, only to have it ripped from him for that small amount of time. Even one second was too long, Heero never wanted his friend to feel like that again. He couldn't even imagine the emotional turmoil such a belief had put him through, and he hated Wes for it more than he had ever believed he could possibly hate someone. The bastard hadn't beaten or physically harmed his friend much, but he had taken his pound of flesh and then some from Duo's heart.   
    "It made the choice Wes was trying to force me to make harder. I couldn't even trust that there _was_ a choice, that my memories of a family that was waiting for me to come home weren't something that I had come up with because I was so desperate for one. I kept thinking that maybe it would be better if I stayed with him, because he was the only one who loved me. Better to be loved by a monster than no one at all. I tried to tell myself that the way Wes had been treating me wasn't so bad, it was certainly better than how he had before, and I felt like Wes was the only person I could rely on to never leave me or abandon me. He was the only person in my life that was always there, no matter what."  
    Heero felt those words rip at his heart, that he couldn't claim to be that person that had always been by Duo's side, remembering with agony how he had struck him and abandoned him when he had learned that he had been having sex with Zechs.  
    "But every time I thought those things, I heard your voice in my head telling me I deserved better than him. Even if my memories were a lie, the way they made me feel was real. And even though Wes hadn't hurt me like I'd though he would, he was still hurting me, still abusing me. Even though I could admit to that, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't commit to telling him yes, but I was too weak to fight him. I felt like I was going to be trapped there forever.  
    "I even had a moment when I thought that I should go with Wes even if you _were_ real, because I had grown so tired of fighting him, of struggling against him. I just wanted it to be all over with. Then I would have these moments where I remembered all the horrible things Wes had done to me since I was seven years old and all I could feel for him was hatred, and at myself for being unable to truly decide not to be with him. All the rapes, forcing drugs on me, cutting up my feet and almost smashing my head in... It was remembering those things that let me realize my memories couldn't possibly be dreams or hallucinations."  
    "Your eye sight," it dawned on Heero.  
    Duo nodded.  
    "I've been wearing glasses ever since my vision started to go. It's something that Wes would never bother trying to fix. It was hard at first, since I couldn't see anything in the closet and the light when he opened the door would make my vision blurry, but there were also my surgical scars. Those times, he had hurt me so badly, and he hadn't even cared that I could have died. How could I believe that he loved me? And while I remembered those awful things, I realized that even without the scars and my improved vision, my memories of a better life had to be real.   
    "I remembered your smile and that day on the beach when you told me how much you care for me, that I'm your best friend and how you want the best for me. I remembered how hard Trowa and Quatre tried to be there for me during that time when we weren't talking to each other. I remembered how you all risked your lives to protect me when Wes tried to abduct me at work and how angry Wufei was at himself for being unable to 'avenge' me. I remembered everything your mother has done for me since the day she took me in, all the little things this family has given me every single day of my life.   
    "And I realized how incapable I had been of even _dreaming_ of these things before I found you. I was so surrounded by darkness, so lost and alone, I hadn't been able to think up all these wonderful things because I had no idea what a family was supposed to be like. Even when I had been bound to Wes' bed and I had dreamed of this house, I had known it wasn't real because those dreams were so pale in comparison to the small taste I had had when I had slept over here. My feelings back then were so pale in comparison to the love you guys make me feel. There was no way I could be mistaken about those things. It was such a relief, to realize those things. It gave me hope that I could escape, that I could make my choice."  
    "And you did," Heero assured him, feeling a brilliant warmth in his own heart as Duo spoke about how this strange little family they had formed made him feel, "You made your choice, and you escaped. But how? If you were that sick..."  
    "Because of Wes," Duo told him, "ironically. I was really bad off, Heero. I didn't just have a flu or a cold. Whatever I had picked up while I was off my medication gave me a fever so bad, I became delirious. I don't know if half the things I remember when my fever spiked were illusions or memories, I can only assume based on what I know about Wes and what little I can piece together when the fever started to leave. I was getting these weird bruises all over my body, even places that Wes hadn't touched me, and where he did the bruises were the worst even though he hadn't grabbed me hard enough to leave marks like that. And I would have these moments of apathy where I could barely care enough to sit up.  
    "It worried Wes enough that he went out and got antibiotics for me. They were the ones that I'm supposed to take if something like that ever happens, but it was just a coincidence that Wes got the right ones. If it hadn't been for those pills, I probably would have just gotten worse and worse. As it was, escape was impossible, not just because I was weak and sick, but the delirium made it impossible for me to form a coherent thought. The antibiotics got rid of the worst of my fever, and the delirium with it. I still felt like shit, and the food that Wes was feeding me wasn't helping me keep my strength up, he was too smart for that, but I didn't feel like I was living in a fog anymore.   
    "It gave me clarity when I really needed it, not just to think about ways I could escape, but just how fucked up in the head I am. I kept debating with myself about who I wanted to spend my life with, Wes or you and Mom. I kept thinking that Wes was my past, he had saved me from the streets and had given me an identity, even if he had continuously hurt me and made my life hell.   
    "The more I thought about it, the more I could realize that I didn't owe him anything, that the longer I stayed with me, the more of myself I was loosing. And even if I did go with him, I wasn't the same person that I was, because of you, and Wes was just going to try to change me back, which could never happen. If I stayed with him, sooner or later, he was going to kill me, that was just a fact. With you, in this life, I'm happy, with Wes, even those rare moments when he could make me happy, it was always tinged with fear and self-disgust. I didn't want to feel like that anymore.   
    "I had only loved Wes because he had manipulated me to and I hadn't had anyone else in my life to love. I'll always have those feelings, and I'll always be connected to him, but I realized that he isn't the only person in my life anymore, and whenever I think about home, it's never his face that I see. I was thinking of being unable to let him go, when I should have been thinking of how much I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. All this time, I only thought of the past, so I was unable to let go."  
    Duo paused to take a breath, his voice still rough from not using it and this tell-all was taking its toll on him. There was still so much he had experienced in that closet that he wouldn't tell his friend, some he didn't need to say, and others he was too ashamed to say, even with some of the embarrassing things he was confessing now. How could he tell Heero all of his doubts, all of the mental circles his feelings he had put him through, remembering Wes threatening to cut his knees, and the true depths of his shame? And it was time to tell him the worst of it, the most terrible thing he had ever done... and he was struggling to find the strength to say it.  
      
 _'Just do it. Say it and get it over with, tell him the truth.'_  
  
    "I remember feeling very angry," he murmured, "I examined all these things about our relationship, trying to find a reason to stay with him, but all it did was rub all the _wrongness_ in my face, how he had preyed on me all those years, all the things he had stolen from me. At the end of it, I came to the conclusion that there was nothing left there for me. It would all be the same, everything I had run away from. I couldn't do it and I hated him so much for bringing me back there, to that apartment and that mindset. You taught me I shouldn't hate myself for the past, but there I was, loathing myself all over again just for being back there for a few days.   
    "I couldn't go back to my old life because I had killed it the moment I had come home to you. I had already made that choice months ago. I had always seen myself as powerless, and I had put the responsibility for my welfare in the hands of a monster. But it wasn't his responsibility, it was mine and I needed to start taking care of myself. So, I decided that I was going to do whatever it took to escape from there and come back home.   
    "I was still very sick. There were things wrong with me that just a couple of pills of antibiotics weren't going to cure and I knew that the longer I put it off, the weaker I was going to get. As it was, there wasn't much hope that I could escape. I came up with a plan. It wasn't a very good one, but I was lucky I could even think that logically at that point. I didn't have the time to execute it, though. In order to escape, I had to get the cuffs off,  so I started to rub them against this jagged edge on the door hinge. I was stupid, I should have waited until he had gone to sleep, but I didn't know what time of day it was, or if I would have the strength to do any of what I had planned to do by then. I had barely gotten halfway through the cuffs when Wes came into the closet."  
    Heero felt his heart stop. He realized that Duo was rushing through this part of the narrative, which meant he was telling him something he knew he didn't want to hear. Duo was here, he was safe and healthy, but he still felt anxious, wanting desperately to know what Wes had done and having this feeling at the pit of his stomach that Duo was about to tell him something awful.  
    "I hadn't cut through enough of the leather to make any kind of difference, but enough that Wes could see what I had tried to do. He was beyond furious. He struck me in the face and slammed my head into the wall. It was just like when he had done that to me as a kid, I couldn't move afterwards. I'm incredibly lucky he didn't hit that bad spot in my skull, and that I didn't black out. Given how incredibly angry he was, I'm lucky he didn't kill me.   
    "His inability to do it before didn't mean anything, I knew that he was going to punish me for as hard and as long as he wanted to, and how much he 'loved' me wouldn't factor into it, not as angry as he was. Worse, I knew I had just lost my shot to sneak out of there. But I was desperate, I decided that I was going to either get out of there somehow or die trying. There was only one other trick I could try, I lied to him. I told him yes, that I would go with him. He told me that if I tried anything, he would slit my throat, and in that moment, I didn't doubt that he would. I was tired of fighting him and I think he was, too. He cut the cuffs off with his knife. I took a moment to gather my strength and let him think that I wasn't going to do anything, then I kicked him in the throat as hard as a I could."  
    Heero felt a moment of victory for his friend. He didn't think that Duo had ever actually hit or fought against Wes before except for when he had saved Wufei's life when he had hit the bastard with that tree branch. But the look on Duo's face was far from victorious, he looked pale, like he was about to faint.   
    "I thought that if I could catch him off guard, if I hit him in the throat hard enough and left him gasping for air, it would give me the chance to make it to the front door at least. I didn't even make it halfway there. Even while he was struggling to breathe, Wes was still in control, still steady, unlike me," Duo started to shake, his breathing coming faster and harsher, "I should have done _something_ in that one second when he was off balance, hit him over the head to knock him out, grabbed the knife he dropped, locked him in the closet, something!"  
    "Duo," Heero grabbed him by the shoulders before he could get started, "Whatever happened, it isn't your fault because you made some kind of... misstep! You said it yourself, you were panicking, and you didn't even have the time to make it to the door, what could you have possibly done in that measure of time? Wes thought you were weak, he even laughed in Wufei's face when he had that gun to his head, do you really think he would have let you keep the knife if you had gotten to it? And for all you know, he could have had a gun on him. You didn't have the strength to knock him out all by yourself and if you _had_ locked him in, which you probably wouldn't have had the time to do, do you really think it would have contained him?"  
    Duo thought of the night Wes had nearly bashed his head in, how easily he had broken through that bathroom door, and shuddered.  
    "No, he would have gotten through it faster than I could have gotten the chain off the front door, it wasn't that thick," he admitted.  
    "Then don't blame yourself," Heero insisted, "You did _exactly_ what any self defense teacher would tell you to do. You focused on getting out of there, it isn't your fault that the man is such a monster he could still think logically after getting kicked in the throat. Whatever he did, it isn't your fault, there was nothing you could have done in that short of time to prevent it. Now, what happened next?"  
    Duo appreciated his friend trying to keep him on track, but he felt completely petrified, every part of himself not wanting to do this. He wanted to lie. He wanted to tell Heero that he had gotten to the knife and stabbed Wes in the shoulder or leg or arm, anything but the truth, and that was what had allowed him to escape. But he couldn't. He had promised he would tell the truth, even if this was the last time his best friend would ever hold him again.  
    "He grabbed me by my hair and threw me back into the closet. I remember falling on my back and then suddenly he was on top of me. He had his hands around my throat and just started to squeeze. I realized that this was too much, that he had to realize that I was never going to go with him and that it would be easier to just kill me. Or he was just so enraged about my disobedience that it wasn't even a conscious thought."  
    Heero's hands twitched with the need to hold his friend tightly. The image of Duo's neck in the hospital, black bruises in the form of large hands, came to him. How many times were they going to come this close to losing him?  
    "But then I thought, what if he _doesn't_ kill me? And really, that possibility was much more terrible to me. I had lost my last chance to escape from him, he was either going to kill me or he wasn't, he was just going to keep me in that dark closet forever, until I went mad. So I... I... I found his knife in the dark and I stabbed him with it."  
    Duo's words came out in such a quick rush that Heero had a moment when he thought that he had misheard him.  
    "Duo..." he started to say.  
    "I killed him!" Duo nearly screamed, "I stabbed him and he died... I'm a murderer just like he is!"  
    He had spent all this time trying not to think about what he had done, all this time being so terrified of telling the truth that saying those words was like expunging blades or barbed wire from his body. Every word hurt, the truth was pure agony. He saw Wes' face in his mind again, that look of confusion.  
    "Duo, slow down!" Heero demanded even as his thoughts whirled in his head like a tornado.  
    Duo had killed Wes? That couldn't be true... Duo didn't have it in him to kill someone.  
    'But this is Wes...'  
    For a moment, Heero was horrified. Duo's face was white, his eyes so large he looked like a child, and he couldn't deny what Duo was saying. He wanted to ask him if he was sure, but he knew he was. There was no way his friend would look this terrible if he was only partially sure he had killed his abuser. It dawned him then, he had been so focused on what Duo had been telling him all this time, and not how he was saying it. He had been talking about Wes in the past tense this entire time, and even though Duo was always so deliberate in his language from years of barely knowing how to speak, he had stupidly thought nothing of it. Then, little by little, elation started to worm it's way into his heart.  
    'Wes is dead,' he thought, and then just as quickly as it came, that happiness left him and was replaced by a deep sadness, 'and Duo killed him. Oh, Duo...'  
    How could he feel happy by such a thing? Most people would be happy to hear that that piece of filth was dead, and Heero himself had wished that he would drop dead a countless amount of times, but he never ever wanted Duo to be the one that did it. Did it make him a terrible person that he actually hoped that Wes had survived it? That that monster was still alive, if only to spare his friend some pain?  
    "Please, slow down," Heero said more calmly, "What do you mean you stabbed him? Where?"  
    Duo shook, almost hyperventilating, but the calmness in Heero's eyes helped him catch his breath. Didn't his friend understand what he was telling him? He had just confessed that he was a murderer but Heero just wanted the details!  
    "In the throat," he said in pain, "I felt the handle of the knife on the ground next to me. I grabbed it and I lashed out at him with it. It hit him in the throat. It... it went all the way in..."  
    "How could you have known what it was?" Heero asked incredulously, echoing the same denial that Duo had clung to until he had realized the truth.   
    Duo felt an intense frustration that Heero wasn't understanding what he was telling him. Didn't he get it, he had killed Wes in cold blood! He pulled his foot up into his lap so Heero could see the scarred over slashes that covered the bottom of it.  
    "Because it's the same knife he used to do this to me! It's the same knife he's _always_ used! I know what that handle looks like, I know what it feels like! I knew exactly what I was doing! I plunged that knife into his _throat_! I could have stabbed him anywhere else, just to get him off of me, but I didn't!"  
    "He was choking you," Heero pointed out, "you were reacting to him almost killing you! It was just self-defense-"  
    "No!" Duo yelled, "You don't understand! He _let go_!"  
    Heero stared at the other boy in shock as he started to calm down, tears streaming down his cheeks, looking more like a reanimated corpse than his friend. He wanted to tell him to stop, seeing the kind of toll just telling him about this was putting on his friend, but he couldn't. He needed to hear this and maybe Duo needed to tell him.  
    "He let go of my throat," Duo whispered, "I kept thinking, what if he doesn't kill me, what if he just keeps me alive, but always on the brink of death, like things were back when I lived with him? I couldn't handle that. I couldn't handle thinking that he would go on destroying peoples' lives, that he would drive me to death one day, and he would do the same thing to some other kid to replace me, that he would even kill you and Mom and our friends so I wouldn't have any more reasons to tell him no. And in that moment, I hated him so much.   
    "I hated him for everything he ever did to me, I hated him for everything that he was, even the part of him that loved me. I wished he had killed me because that would have been the end of it, and I loathed that he decided not to, that he wasn't done fucking with me. That's when I found the knife. I told myself later that I had done it to protect myself, that I just wanted to get him off of me, but I know now that isn't the truth. Deep down, I wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me. I wanted to attack him, to have power over him for once in our fucked up relationship.   
    "And I wanted it to end, this struggle between us. I let my rage control me, and I stabbed him. It was the most horrible moment of my life, and I'll **_never_** forgive myself for it, because in that moment when that blade went into his flesh and he looked so... so confused at what was happening, like how I looked whenever he did something sick and disgusting and hurtful to me, I was happy. When he pulled the blade out and all of his blood came pouring out of him, it was horrifying, and I was _happy_."  
    Duo stumbled out of Heero's lap, pushing himself back towards the other end of the bed like he didn't want Heero to touch him and hugged his knees to his chest. He felt like he was going to throw up just remembering all of it.   
    Heero watched him like he wasn't even there, his lost expression mirroring Duo's almost exactly. He felt like none of this was real, that he was dreaming. He couldn't even imagine how his friend was feeling. He didn't know how to feel about anything that Duo had just said. He wanted to feel happy knowing that Wes had finally gotten what had been coming to him after all these years, but he couldn't without feeling horrified that Duo had been the one to do it and suffer for it. He wanted to feel that horror, too, that Duo had been the one to kill the same man he had confessed to loving, but he didn't blame him. He wanted to believe that his friend had only done it to protect himself, but he couldn't do that without discounting the rage that Duo said he had felt. All of those things were true, and he couldn't discredit a single one of them. And he didn't know what to say to his friend to make it better for him.  
    "All of my life with him," Duo whispered, sniffling like a child as he continued to cry, but couldn't seem to stop talking, "I saw him do the most terrible things. He raped kids like me, stole, tortured people... I saw him kill so many people. Some of them were people he worked with that had crossed him or weren't good enough to be in his organization anymore, but most of them were innocent people, kids, parents, cops, people that wanted to help... He killed all of them, a lot of them with the same knife I killed him with.   
    "I should feel happy that he's dead, or at least relieved, and some part of me does, but most of me just hates myself and misses him. I killed him in cold blood, and I'm still fucked up enough to miss him. All of those years, I promised myself that no matter how much of my humanity I lost, no matter what he made me do, I would never become him. I would never take a human life for him or because of him, I would never take that last step...   
    "That's what I told Wufei when he said he wished he could have killed Wes for me, that I didn't want the man dead, that I would never take a life and that if I ever did, I would no longer be a human being. I should have been the one to die! So how, how could I have killed him?! How can I forgive myself and how can I expect you to forgive me for turning out just like him?! You've said how much you hate him for what he did to me, so how can I live with myself knowing that you feel that way about me?"  
    Heero practically lunged forward to sit in front of Duo, pressing his hands to the wall on either side of him, trapping him so he couldn't escape. It was wrong, and he hated the shocked expression on his friend's face like he had just assaulted him, startling him like that, but right now he didn't care.  
    "Don't tell me how I feel," Heero said angrily, "I'm not going to cry over that man's death and I'm _happy_ he's dead. I wish you hadn't had to have been the one to do it, I would give _anything_ , do anything so you wouldn't have to have that kind of burden, but you did. You killed him, but that doesn't make you him! You will never be him, do you understand me?!"  
    Duo opened his mouth to protest, but Heero was having none of it.  
    "You aren't him, Duo, and you aren't a cold blooded killer. You killed the prick that abducted you, raped you, mutilated you, _tortured_ you. You say that it wasn't self-defense, but that's exactly what it was! He made your life hell. If you felt rage enough to lash out at him, _he_ was the one that caused that anger to begin with! You're a murderer, but that doesn't make you less than human. You're human, he will never take that from you. And I do not hate you. I will **_never_** hate you, especially not for this."  
    "How?!" Duo demanded, "How do you not understand this? I took a life!"  
    "Yes, you did," Heero confirmed, "Did you like it? Did you like seeing the light leave his eyes, to know that you stole his life from him? Did it make you happy to have his blood all over you, to have that kind of power, not because he hurt you, but simply because it felt good?"  
    "No!" Duo yelled, his stomach churning, "No, no, it makes me sick inside!"  
    "Then how are you like him?" Heero asked in a softer tone, feeling himself start to calm down.  
    Duo blinked at him, as though he couldn't quite understand.  
    "You say you never wanted to be like him, and you aren't. He pushed you to the brink, and then forced you even further. You don't get to say that you're him, or that we all should hate you for it. Maybe he wasn't in the middle of killing you, maybe you had a choice whether or not where to stab him, but you aren't like him. You enjoyed killing him as revenge for all the horrible things he did to you, not because you enjoy killing. You just said so, that he killed so many people, and most of them didn't deserve it. He hurt people because it made him feel good.   
    "You hurt one person, the one person who hurt you and broke you. You bottled up your rage at him for so long in order to survive, how can you be surprised that it finally came out all at once, and directed itself at him? You want me to be mad at you? I can't be. You are still my friend and you still went through something terrible. I don't see you as anything less than the person you have always been," Heero pulled him into a tight hug.  
    Duo fought against the contact for a moment, but it was impossible to resist it for long and he quickly melted into the embrace. He felt like his heart was bleeding inside of him. He wanted to tell Heero to stop, that he was a killer, and he needed to hate him, he _had_ to, but his friend's words sunk into him. He couldn't tell Heero how to feel, couldn't make him hate him. He didn't understand any of it, but Heero didn't hate him. He was still holding him like this.  
    "Why?" he finally managed to get out past the tears.  
    "Because I know how it feels," Heero reminded him with love in his voice, "to let your rage control you. But you never hated me either, did you?"  
    In an instant, Duo felt all of his fear about losing his best friend leave him as he sobbed in his arms.  
    "I promise, no matter what happens, I'll be here and I'll give you anything you need to deal with this," the Japanese boy promised.  
    Duo didn't say anything, feeling as drained as he had ever felt in his life.   
    "I don't understand you," he murmured.  
    "You don't need to," Heero stroked his hair, "All you need to understand is that I'm your friend and I've got your back, just like always. Nothing has changed between us. You're home, that's all that matters to me. I know you well enough to know that you won't forgive yourself for this, but it happened and you can't change it, we'll deal with that, too, ok?"  
    Duo nodded and pressed his head against Heero's chest. He didn't know what he wanted to do more, cry or laugh. He had worried for so long about how Heero would react to this. He had imagined him being angry and ashamed at him, of hating him, or forgiving him, but that anger would always be there, that disappointment. He hadn't thought that the other boy would just... not have a problem with what he did, that he would find it understandable. He couldn't fathom that.  
  _"Don't tell me how I feel."_  
    He couldn't understand it, but Heero didn't hate him. He couldn't help his own feelings anymore than he could try to make Heero see how awful what he had done was, not when he was the only one feeling that way. He wished that he could accept how Heero saw things, that it was understandable, but he just felt so relieved that he still had his friend. He let all of his sadness, all of his regret and horror pour out as he cried, clinging to Heero like a child. His friend didn't interrupt him or say anything, he just stroked his back until Duo didn't have anymore tears left in him.  
    "Did anyone see you?" he asked as the longhaired boy started to calm down, "When you killed Wes or after?"  
    He wanted to just keep holding Duo forever, to let him rest in his arms like this until everything was all better, but now that he had gotten it across to him that he still cared for him, Heero was starting to worry about the consequences of all this. While Duo could worry about how their family would take all of this, something that not even Heero was entirely sure of, he was thinking of the knife he had pried from Duo's fingers that night, and the bloody clothes they had tossed at the hospital. Duo was too overwhelmed to think about those things, and Heero was happy to worry about them for him. He sure as hell wasn't going to let the boy he loved go to jail over this, even if that was what the longhaired boy wanted. He sighed in relief as Duo shook his head, rubbing tiredly at his wet eyes.  
    "I... I don't think so. We were all alone in the apartment. I don't remember much about after, I was too far gone. I just remember thinking that everything would be ok as soon as I found you again, that you would make it better. I don't remember anyone seeing me on the way home, and if they did, they didn't go to the police about it or I would be in jail right now. I'm not even sure anyone has found his body yet."  
    "Can't we assume that someone did?" Heero asked in confusion, "It's been almost two weeks now. Wouldn't someone have checked up on him?"  
    "I doubt it," Duo said, "Wes was a very private person. When he did conduct business out of the apartment, he would always call his associates first to let them know that they were needed, never the other way around. We didn't have any neighbors except for the Chinese restaurant and everyone steered clear of Wes anyway, so even if someone had noticed that he wasn't coming and going out of the place, they wouldn't call the cops over it. Wes always kept the door locked, and Chris is the only other person with a key, so anyone else would have to break the door down anyway.   
    "Chris is also the only person that Wes allowed to just show up out of the blue at the place, but I think they had some kind of falling out after Boston. At least, I don't think Wes told him he had abducted me and I didn't hear him there. If he finds Wes dead, I don't know what he'll do. He was always incredibly loyal to the man, but I think if he figures out it was me, and that I'm back with you guys, he won't come after me. Chris was never as smart as Wes, but he never liked taking risks unless it was something Wes ordered him to do. Unless one of his associates found him, we would have heard about his death on the news by now anyway. Wes was untouchable, legally, but the local police know who he is, and his reputation."  
    "Good," Heero nodded, "If there's no one who saw you that is willing to talk to the cops, I doubt anyone will pin the murder on you. You're not in the system, so your DNA can't be traced, and even if they did, without the murder weapon, I don't think they can prove you killed him."  
    "You don't think I should go to jail for what I did?" Duo asked softly, "I'm a criminal-"  
    "No," Heero said sternly, "I don't think you should go to jail. You committed a crime, yes, but you've paid for it in years of pain and suffering. Wes got what he deserved as far as I'm concerned, you going to jail would be pointless. And I'm not giving you up, even if you think you deserve some kind of punishment. I'll lock you in your room if I have to."  
    That made Duo smile a little, imagining Heero going to such lengths just to keep Duo from incriminating himself.  
    "I'll lie if anyone asks me about it," Heero said with conviction, "I'll even lie to Mom, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei if you want me to."  
    "No," Duo shook his head, "I want them to know what I did. They need to know. All of you are my family and I don't want this to be this... huge, terrible secret between us. Even if they hate me for it."  
    Heero wanted to tell him that they wouldn't, but he honestly couldn't promise that. He wanted to believe that his mother could forgive Duo for killing his rapist, but for once he wasn't so sure how she would feel about it. Knowing her, she would be sad that Duo took a life, but he just couldn't believe that she would stop loving him for it.   
    "I need to ask you a favor," his friend said nervously, "I don't want to ask it, and it isn't fair of me. It's selfish and stupid and cowardly..."  
    "Just ask," Heero urged.  
    "Can you... can you tell them for me?" Duo asked in a near whisper, "I just don't have the strength to go through that again. I need to tell them as soon as possible, especially Mom, I don't want to have this hanging over my head for however long it takes me to get the nerve again. I don't know if I ever will have the nerve to tell them everything I just told you."  
    Heero nodded in understanding. He had just witnessed first hand what this story took from his friend. If such a small thing could take some stress and heartache from him, he was happy to do it.  
    "I'll tell them tonight," he promised, "but Duo, no matter how they take it, you have a family here, you know that don't you?"  
    "Yeah," he smiled faintly, resting his head against Heero's chest again, "I know."  
    And for the first time since he had plunged that knife into Wes' throat, he realized that he did.  
  
End part 22


	69. The Second Son Part 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero tells Name, Quatre, and Trowa about Duo's actions. Heero asks Trowa for advice about handling his feelings for Duo.

The Road to Kindness  
Chapter 8   
Part 23  
  
  
  
    They stayed like that on Duo's bed for awhile before Heero realized he'd better share Duo's story while it was still fresh in his mind, although he didn't think he would be forgetting what his friend had told him any time soon. Duo looked so tired as Heero left him, like every kind of energy had left him from pouring out his heart like that, and Heero didn't blame him. He felt emotionally exhausted and he had only just listened. He hoped that Duo would take another nap, but he knew he wouldn't, not until he knew everything was ok with the rest of their family.  
    Neither Heero nor Duo were worried about what Wufei would think about Duo murdering Wes, he had already made his wishes that he had done the same exact thing clear to both of them, that he thought it was just, they were sure he wouldn't judge Duo for it. Quatre had sounded perplexed when he had called to tell him they needed to come home asap, but he had confirmed they would be there in twenty minutes. In the kitchen, his mother was still working on dinner, taking her time in cutting up vegetables.  
    "Hi, sweet heart," she greeted, splitting her attention between dicing zucchini for the stir fry she intended to make, a documentary that was playing on the kitchen's television, and her son, "the chicken is marinating in the refrigerator, I can start to cook it if Duo's ready to eat."  
    "We're going to have a really late dinner tonight, Mom," Heero told her somberly.  
    His tone made her stop and place the knife down on the counter. She studied Heero's face and didn't like what she saw. He looked like he had been crying for a long time, his eyes red and his face pinched with anxiety and a deep tiredness.  
    "Heero, what were you two fighting about?" she asked softly.  
    "You heard us?" Heero blushed a little, just then realizing how loud they must have been.  
    "Just your voices, not what was being said. I made sure not to eavesdrop," she assured him, gesturing to the television, "what's wrong?"  
    "Duo told me what happened to him when he was abducted," he said. Name abruptly shut the television off, giving him her full attention, "He wanted to tell you, too, but it took too much out of him and I didn't want him to go through that again. He asked me to tell you, Quatre, and Trowa for him. I already called them, they should be here in about five minutes."  
    Name sat down at the kitchen table and Heero followed her lead. She had a thousand questions for him all at once about where Duo had been, what had happened to him, and why he had lost his voice, but out of all of them, only one truly mattered to her at that moment.  
    "How is he?"  
    Heero's tired, almost dreary sigh told her all that she needed to know.  
    "Bad. He could be a lot worse, but it's bad. What happened... he's worried that you'll hate him for it. I don't know what's hurting him worse right now, the anxiety that you and Quatre and Trowa won't be able to forgive him for what happened, or how much he hates himself."  
    "Are his feelings warranted?" Named asked, already intensely worried with that admission and she didn't even know what exactly the problem was yet.  
    Heero paused, thinking that question over. He had put aside his own feelings and look at what Duo had confessed to him with an unbiased eye. It was incredibly difficult, and painful.  
    'My best friend murdered a man, not because his life was in immediate danger, but because he was angry and hurt, and at the end of his rope. Can they understand that or will they lose faith in him because of it?'  
    Heero's stomach twisted, imagining either of his friends, or God forbid his mother, turning their backs on his best friend. If Quatre or Trowa looked down on Duo, it would hurt him terribly  and make his guilt over killing Wes all the worse. If his mother did the same, it would kill him. Heero didn't even want to think about the damage that would do.  
    "Yes," he said reluctantly, "I already told him that nothing has changed between us and I understand and forgive him, but I can't speak for anyone else. It would devastate him, but given what he told me... I can't say that you or Quatre or Trowa won't think or act different towards him."  
    "You forgave him," Name said matter of factly, "so whatever happened, it isn't so terrible that I wouldn't forgive him for it. And there is nothing he could have done that I will stop loving him for."  
    His mother's confidence relieved Heero and he wished that Duo was down here to hear her say that so he would stop worrying so much. He startled when he heard the front door suddenly opened.  
    "That sure was fast," Name muttered.  
    Quatre looked like he had run all the way there, his normally white face flushed and his whole body practically vibrating in eagerness. He flung himself into one of the kitchen chairs and stared intently at his blue-eyed friend.  
    "Ok, we're here, now talk," the blonde demanded, "what did Duo tell you?!"  
    Trowa was his usual patient and calm self as he strode into the kitchen. He shook his head at his boyfriend's hyper behavior and handed Heero a freshly bought coffee.  
    "You said on the phone that it was a long story, so I figured you'd want something to drink," he said.  
    Heero was immediately grateful for Trowa's grounding presence. In that moment, he just couldn't imagine him judging Duo for what had happened. Trowa seemed to understand Duo even more than Heero did sometimes, and his Italian friend had become a great pillar of support for his American one lately. Even without any romantic feelings between them, they were like kindred spirits. For the first time since Duo had told him what had happened in that closet, Heero dared to think that this might work out.   
  
*****  
  
    Through most of Duo's telling of what had happened during his five day disappearance, Heero had remained quiet, scared that if he made the wrong sort of comment, or asked the wrong question, Duo would lose his nerve and refuse to go on. Heero's audience had no such qualms.  
    Heero's re-telling seemed to take twice the time that Duo's had. While his narrative didn't stop at all because of emotional distress, Quatre, Trowa, and his mother asked him a nearly endless horde of questions. Some he was able to answer, but most of them he couldn't. Through all of it, Heero gained a new appreciation for Duo and all the times he had told them painful things about his past like this. By the end of it, he felt such agony in his heart, he thought he would choke on it. He couldn't imagine how hard it had been for his friend who had lived through it.  
    When he detailed every terrible detail of Wes' death, all those questions ceased. Quatre, his mother, and even Trowa listened to him with pale, wide-eyed faces, looking both horrified and like they couldn't believe what he was telling them. He finished with Duo's hazy account of leaving the apartment with the knife in hand, and even how he had found him in his bedroom that night, including Duo's belief that no one had seen him.   
    Heero expected his mother to barrage him with questions about the murder, but Quatre was the first one to speak.  
    "Then... Wes is dead? _Really_ dead?" he said like he couldn't believe it, making Heero, hauntingly, remember Duo's sentiment that Wes was the Boogieman, a monster that no one could stop.  
    "I don't think that even Wes could survive being stabbed through the throat," Trowa said in dark humor and turned his attention back to Heero, "Is Duo positive he stabbed him that deeply?"  
    "He was positive," Heero nodded, taking a sip of his coffee only to remember that he had finished it a long time ago, "He lashed out at him as hard as he could and the knife went into his throat, all the way to the hilt."  
    "Did he tell you that?" Name asked, her face not betraying how she was taking all of that and her question made him want to snap at her, but he wasn't sure if she was asking that because she didn't believe Duo's story or she just wanted to make sure.  
    "No," he confessed, "but I know him well enough to know that he was panicking. It was his last chance and he was weak, he didn't trust his own strength. So if he really wanted to hurt Wes, to kill him, he would have used what strength he had left. Also, when I took the knife from him that night, the blood on it was dark, and the darkest of it was near the hilt where it pooled. Even if that wasn't true, Duo said that Wes pulled it out a his blood poured out. With the amount of blood that was on the knife and soaked into his shirt, there's no way Wes could have survived."  
    They were all silent for a moment as that fact sunk in.   
    "I always wished that Wes would die," Quatre said in a small voice, "After everything Duo told us he had done to him... I had wished over and over that he would die in the most painful way possible. I thought that, if it did come to that, it would be because of the police, or some third party like one of his associates, hell, even one of us. But never Duo. He's the only one of us that has never wanted Wes dead. He's the only one who has had any feelings for the bastard besides hate."  
    "Which is exactly why it happened," Trowa said as he leaned on the kitchen wall, his arms crossed over his chest, "and it's always been more possible than for any of us."  
    Quatre stared at Trowa in shock, but neither Heero nor Name were surprised by what he had said.  
    "Trowa, Duo is-" Quatre started to protest.  
    "Conflicted. And he always will be. He loves Wes. Even after he killed him, he still loves him," the taller boy said, "and he hates him, more than any of us can claim to hate him, and he always will. Loving a person and hating a person that much, someone you know that you shouldn't care for, does things to a person," Trowa paused and Quatre reached over from where he was sitting in one of the kitchen chairs next to him to hold his hand, knowing full well that his lover was not just talking about Wes and Duo, "Eight years. That's how long Wes has spent brainwashing him, breaking him down, it's how long that all that hate has been building up," he looked at Heero, "It took you sixth months after your father died for you to beat up one of your classmates. I know you understand, better than any of us, a taste of what Duo has gone through."  
    Heero nodded, far from hurt at Trowa for telling the truth about his anger problems.  
    "I hated the world for taking my father away from me," he admitted, smiling a little when his mother squeezed his hand, "I let that hate simmer in me for sixth months before it came out. I didn't talk to anyone about it and I didn't try to stop it, I just kept feeding it. All it took was just one more of my classmates talking about my father's death to make me snap. I can't imagine the kind of rage that Duo has kept inside all these years, what it's done to him. It stayed hidden for so long, even from him, because he tried to be better, better than Wes and better than just a 'street kid'. He knows what real pain is like, so he tried to shy away from any violence himself, but only made that anger worse. But Duo isn't me. He didn't lash out at some random kid. He attacked his abuser and saved himself. Even if he hates himself for doing it, how can I?"  
    "He thinks that, doesn't he?" Quatre asked sadly, "That we are going to hate him that he killed someone, even if that someone is Wes."  
    "This is Duo," Trowa said bitterly, "Of course he does. He thinks that killing someone is something horrible, something that Wes would gleefully do, so it must mean because he took a life, he's a terrible person, also. Therefore, anyone who knows what he did must think he's terrible to. It's no wonder he went mute and hurt himself, he always let's his guilt kick him in the ass. Besides, you know Duo, he always assumes the worse, that he can't keep anything good in his life."  
    "And can he?" Heero asked him sharply, giving him a searching look that was piercing, almost a glare.  
    "Don't be ridiculous," Trowa flashed him his own almost-glare, "You said it yourself. He saved his life. Maybe Wes wouldn't have killed him in that exact moment, but he would have eventually. Like Duo said, his entire life with him, he was always waiting for the asshole to go too far. Bottom line, Wes is dead. He can't hurt Duo anymore. He won't be hurting anyone anymore. Even if Duo lashed out of him because of anger, that anger was put there because of Wes. Why should I hate him for that?"  
    "How can any of us blame him?" Quatre said, "Every single one of us would have happily slit Wes' throat if we had been in that closet, even Wufei. He might have been unable to pull that trigger, but he still wanted to. The only person Duo hurt when he killed Wes was himself. There's nothing to blame him for, I just wish that we could make him understand that this doesn't make him a bad person."  
    "It will take a long time," Heero said, "but he has to come to terms with it eventually."  
    Name stood, her face still expressionless, and started to walk out of the kitchen.  
    "Mom?" her son asked accusingly. She was the only one left that hadn't answered his question.  
    Name shot him an annoyed look.  
    "Heero Yuy, don't you dare ask me that question. You already know the answer," she said in exasperation.  
    Heero smiled as he watched leave and heard her walk up the stairs.  
  
*****  
  
    Was it possible for, not just a person's stomach, but their entire body to be in knots? Duo sure felt like it, from his head to his feet. He was curled up on his side on his bed, one of his pillows clutched to his chest as he laid on it like it was a stuffed animal. He could feel Shiva curled up against his legs, but didn't try to pick her up or pet her. He had tried that earlier, but it hadn't helped his anxiety like it usually did.  
    He wished that Heero was still here. Right now, he was the only person he knew where he stood with. When he had been here, holding him, he had felt so much of his worries and fears fade away, but now they were back. Of course, it was because of his inability to deal with those fears that Heero had left. He told himself that everything would be fine, Heero had forgiven him, so maybe everyone else would forgive him, too. He had watched some TV and picked up one of his books for a little while. Nothing had helped.  
    He couldn't hear anything from downstairs. Just because there was no screaming, it didn't mean it was going alright. Name was like Wes, when she got really, truly mad, she didn't yell, she just got very quiet and cold. That silence seemed to go on forever, and it only made him feel worse, like his insides were cannibalizing themselves. He wasn't exactly sure how, even in his worst nightmares, he had expected this to go. Quatre would yell at him, he supposed, but Mom and Trowa would just be quiet, completely quiet with just a look of disgust or shame or disappointment, and that would be a lot worse than being yelled at.     Whenever Mom said that she was proud of him, he felt better about himself than he had in his entire life, like he actually had worth. Even if it was just to her, that had always been more than he could ever want to hope for. If he lost that, would he lose all of the strength that he had gained, all that confidence? He wanted to believe that as long as Heero cared for him, he wouldn't revert to that scared, self-loathing person he had been all those months ago, but if his mom stopped loving him... could his new self survive that? He could stand her being angry at him for the choice he made, and for the choice he struggled to make, but it would kill him if she was disappointed with him.  
    Duo tensed as he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. It was time, and he didn't want it to be. He felt unbearably cold and his chest felt tight with anxiety. It was just one person coming up the steps and listening to those footsteps, he knew exactly who it was. Facing her alone was better than facing all of them at once, he supposed, but right now, he didn't want to face her at all. The footsteps stopped in front of his door and stopped. He hugged the pillow tighter to his chest and buried his face in it, waiting for her to come in. Several minutes passed, so long that Duo thought she might have left and he hadn't heard it. If it had been anyone else, he would have thought they were hesitating.   
    He flinched when he heard the knock.  
    "Come in," he called out and untangled himself from the pillow, sitting up on the bed.  
    He curled his hands into fists as they started to shake and he felt like he was going to vomit. He heard Name come into his bedroom, walk over to his side of the bed, and felt her sit down next to him, but he kept his eyes firmly focused on the floor, not daring to so much as glance over at her. She was as quiet as he was, which only made him more and more nervous. He almost wished she would just yell at him, tell him that what he had done was horrible and she couldn't believe he would sink that low. Was she waiting for him to say something? He didn't know what she wanted to hear from him.  
    "I'm so sorry," Duo finally managed to find the courage to speak, but he still didn't know where he stood with her, so he struggled to find the right words, "Nam-"  
    "Don't you dare, Duo," Name interrupted him.  
    The violet eyed boy looked at her when she spoke in disbelief. Her voice wasn't stern, but filled with pain. He realized in remorse that he had just hurt her very badly by reverting back to her first name, but also felt a deep relief that she still wanted him to call her Mom. Did it make him an ass that he felt so happy, felt so much lover for her simply because he was able to hurt her like that? He still didn't dare to believe that she wasn't furious with him, but if she still cared, that was more than he deserved.   
    "Mom," he amended and it felt good to say, "I'm sorry... what I did..." he looked down again in shame, "I never wanted to do anything that would make you disappointed with me. I tried so hard to be better, to be someone you could be proud of, but I couldn't," he said bitterly, feeling his anger at his actions rise again.  
    "Why do you think I'm not proud of you?" Name asked sadly.  
    Duo shyly glanced at her from under his bangs, trying to really gauge her. She was looking at him in that soft, worried way she often did when he said something about his past that upset her. It made his heart flutter with hope.  
    "I took someone's life," he said and the grief in his voice tore at Name, "I... I murdered another person, all because I was angry with him, because it was what I wanted. You always told me that you admired me for trying to move on away from him, and you always told me that life is sacred, that Wes and all men like him have no right to destroy or take away life. I tried so hard to live by that my whole life, and especially now, to be a better person, someone you could be proud of, someone stronger. But in the end, I reacted like _he_ would have. You took me in. You gave me _everything_ , and I repaid you by throwing away everything you ever tried to teach me."  
    Name grasped his hand, not liking how cold his skin felt.  
    "Sweetheart, you have it all wrong. I do admire you. I have admired you since the moment you woke up in that hospital all those months ago. I saw this scared, sick boy overcome such terrible injuries and show such strength, and that was even before I had known what had happened to you. I will continue to admire you every day, because not once have I seen you lose that strength, even if you believe you have.  
    "I didn't have to teach you that life is sacred, you have always believed that. Killing Wes didn't change that, and it never will. That's one of the reasons why you feel so awful about this. You think that taking Wes' life makes you a killer, that it makes you this terrible person. I think that your guilt over it shows that you aren't," she said.  
    Duo shook his head, still unable to shake the idea that she needed to hate him for this, and that she didn't simply meant she didn't understand. He didn't dare believe that he could do something like murdering a person and not be damned for it.  
    'Wes never was and he _should_ have been.'  
    "How I feel about it doesn't matter," he insisted, his voice twisted with mental pain, "Wes raised me to be like him, to think like him. Your needs are the only ones that matter. Take what you need, what you want. Any life but yours is worthless. Only those who are powerful and ruthless and don't care about others survive... I fought against that my entire life, but I'm just a product of _his_ upbringing. I failed. I failed you and I failed myself. I slipped up, I let him win."  
    "He raised you to be a pet," Name said, wincing at her own words, but she couldn't avoid the truth of them, "He wanted you to be perfect for _him_ , and when you weren't, he tortured you. That's mental conditioning, Duo. That you've managed to fight against it shows your strength, but it will always be there. A parto f it gives you your drive to succeed. I remember how you used to be, how scared you were of being anything less than perfect. But no one is perfect, you know that, and I certainly don't want you to be. Slipping up in your ideals or mine does not make you a bad person, it makes you human."  
    "This isn't a failed math test or even me losing faith in my family like I used to!" Duo protested, "I failed in the worst way I possibly could... I became him, just a monster who had no problem killing someone out of rage."  
    He felt her hand on his back, rubbing him gently, just like Heero had earlier.  
    "You in no way became that... that man, love," her gentle voice was soothing, and it was a dagger in his chest reminding him of how close he had come to losing her and making him again wonder if he deserved her, if he should just accept her forgiveness or continue to try to make her understand his actions, "The sum of a person... their worth and what truly defines them isn't a single action, the one time they were kind or the one time they were cruel, it's what they bring into their lives every day, and what they bring to the lives of the people around them. Wes brought death, decay, destruction, and madness into his home, and that was exactly what he received in return. He has no one to blame for that but himself, not even you. A single action can never define a person, and those brief, small acts of love he showed you during your childhood and before his death were meaningless. They were never who he really was."  
    Duo looked down at his hands and for the first time in two weeks, he didn't see the hands that had held that knife. He saw the faint scars on his fingers from when Wes had struck him with a glass beer bottle in the shoulder and then had made him pick up the pieces with his bare hands. He saw the much deeper scar on his left arm from when Wes had broken it in anger so badly the bone had broken through his skin. Both Name and Heero had confirmed what he had tried to make himself believe, that Wes hadn't really loved him.  
    These scars... these painful memories were proof of the real Wes. If he felt miserable about killing him, it couldn't be because he had destroyed the other path his life could have taken, his future with Wes. If there was any good that had come from killing him for himself, he could believe now it was taking that choice away from him. For better or worse, he had saved himself, something he had never thought possible. And before Name and Heero had come into his life, it had been impossible. But if that rage he had felt didn't define him, and being a whore didn't define him, then what did? The weakness that had kept him under Wes' thumb for so long? The strength that had gotten him out of that place and into this one eventually, or something else?   
    Now that Wes was dead, would that anger eventually dissipate like steam, or would it only grow and come to define him? Heero had managed to overcome his rage, Duo didn't know if he was capable of that yet.  
    "And what did I bring into your life?" he asked Name with a painful shyness.  
    He was scared to know her answer. Duo thought of everything that had happened since he had left the hospital six months ago. He had overturned the lives of five wonderful people, put Name through the strife of dealing with all of his emotional problems, and she had changed her life to accommodate him. She had done it willingly, but he still knew that things around her, and in her job, had to have changed because of him.   
    He had unwittingly put her son in danger at least twice, probably more than that considering how much Wes had hated Heero. Mizu had been given the opportunity to attack her because of her decision to take him in. She had sacrificed for him, hurt for him, and what had he done for her, what had he brought to her life to make all of that worth it?  
    Name smiled warmly at him and picked up Shiva, the cat mrowling in annoyance until the woman placed her on Duo's lap.  
    "This is what you brought into my home," she said, giving the black cat a scratch under her chin, "love and life. You risked your life and safety to visit your animals during a time when you were still very sick, and feeling very vulnerable. That says a lot more about you than what you did in that closet. You care about life, you always have. I know the lengths you would go to for your cats, and for us. You did not just kill Wes because he hurt you or you were trying to protect yourself. I know you well enough to know that a very big part of what drove you to stab him was his refusal to kill you. You knew exactly what he would do next, what he would take away from you to punish you and try to further force you to go with him.   
    "After you tried to trick him, he couldn't trust you not to run away anymore, all he could do was take away the one thing you had to run away to. He had already made the decision not to kill you, you said so yourself. Given what you have told us about him, I have no doubt Wes' next move would have been to try to kill us, and I definitely have no doubt that that is what you believed right then. In that one moment when you were desperate to stop him, to make him stop hurting you and us, and so angry at him for everything he did to you and intended to keep doing to you, you took a life, but that isn't the sum of who you are. You are the person who kept all that anger bottled up to begin with, partially out of fear of fighting back against your abuser, but mostly because you didn't want to be the sort of person that he was, a person that catered to their anger with chaos and violence."      
    "I wish I could see it like that," Duo whispered, lightly petting Shiva, "but I just feel like I let his hate, all the things that I couldn't stand about him, to infect me."  
    "I can't see it your way," Name told him, "and no matter how much you try to convince me and Heero of it, we will never be able to see it that way. You think that you slaughtered a man, that was all your actions amount to, but I see it differently. For the very first time in your life, you truly stood up to Wes. Maybe you did it in anger, but you didn't just let him continue to abuse you like you have in the past. You have said this to us before, that you were tired of the abuse, the way he treated you, and you felt like he was breaking you. But you always lived with it passively and chose to believe it was your fault, that you couldn't do anything about it so you might as well not even try. For the very first time in eight years, he hurt you and you acted. You didn't just run away, you stood up to him. Not many people can do that, Duo, especially not against a frightening man like Wes. You might hate yourself for it, but all I care about is that you made it home, not because we saved you or Wes let his guard down, but because you made that choice not to be a victim, to save _yourself_."  
    Duo felt the weight of her words, the truth of them that he had already accepted, that no matter the consequences, he had chosen not to allow Wes to abuse him anymore, to be the kind of strong person that Name and Heero wanted him to be. He felt tears stream down his face and he bit back a sob, hating crying so much, but he couldn't stop it. He buried his face in his hands, his fingers curling around his bangs and tugging at them sharply in his grief, as though the pain could make the tears stop.  
    "Then why do I feel this way?! Why can't I stop hating myself and feeling horrible that I killed him if everyone else thinks it was justified?!" he cried.  
    Name pulled his hands away from his face, his red rimmed eyes and the heartbroken expression on his face making her tear up, too. She wished in that moment that she could take this all away from him, just make him forget it had ever happened, even if she truly believed that, ultimately, it would help him.  
    "You loved him," she said with a great deal of emotion in her voice, with no judgment of that love, just truth, "and killing someone you love, even if that person is terrible, is one of the worst things in this world to live with," she wiped his tears from his cheeks and brushed the hair that had escaped from his braid away from his face, "I wish this never had happened to you, that we could have found a way to stop him without you having to do this."  
    "You couldn't have," Duo said hoarsely, "he never would have gone to jail and he never would have been caught. I didn't know how else to make him stop..."  
    "You told me that I believe that life is sacred, that you killing him is a terrible thing you deserve to be punished for, something that I have to hate you for, because it is something I would never do. I wish, so badly, that that weren't true," she confessed, Duo looking at her in confusion, "You weren't the only one that held on to that ideal for so long, Duo. I held on to it longer than I should have. Holding on to it the way I did may have very well caused your kidnapping. If I had let go of my morals early on, I might have stopped Wes before any of this happened, before he even shot you.   
    "At first it was simply because I overestimated him. I thought of him simply of a rapist who had hurt you. I told myself that I would find him one day and get you the justice you deserved, but that your health was more important, making you feel at home and safe was more important. It was, but even when you told us more and more about him, and I realized just how dangerous he really was, I still chose not to act. I believed that simply because I was involved, he wouldn't try anything.   
    "I should have realized, after hearing all the horrible things he did to you, the sort of man he was. That he wasn't going to stop torturing you or stop posing a threat to us simply out of fear of what I would do. I underestimated him every step of the way and because of that, you suffered and had to take things into your own hands. It never should have come to that. If you have to blame someone, don't blame yourself, blame me. I made a choice between your personal safety and my _conscience_ ," she said bitterly.  
    "That isn't true," Duo protested, horrified that she would actually feel guilt about this, "I know you made that choice for my sake. You were trying to help me, to show me what to do, how to act, and it _did_ help me, more than you could know. Everything you've done has helped me to heal from my childhood, a little bit at a time. It's exactly what I've needed.  
    You hunting after him would have just made him act faster, and even if you had managed to take him out, I never would have wanted you to compromise yourself for my sake. I wouldn't even have known how to feel about it back then, I still wasn't ready to deal with that, I don't even know if I'm ready to deal with losing him. My being kidnapped was probably inevitable, but it was my fault for taking such huge risks. I will never blame you for what happened, not ever."  
    "I don't blame you, either," she insisted, "I can't blame you because, if I had been the one in that closet, pushed into a corner like that and knowing that that man had every intention of killing or harming you, I would have killed for you."  
    Duo's eyes widened in shock. He imagined her as the one who had plunged that knife into Wes' throat and just couldn't equate the sweet, gentle woman who had saved his life, soothed his nightmares, cooked his meals, and gotten the best care imaginable with the same one who had just calmly told him she would not only be willing to _kill_ for him, to deny her strict moral code, put her job in jeopardy, and become a criminal, but would have done so gladly, with the fierce one he saw now, with fire in her eyes and the expression of mother tiger on her face.   
    He couldn't deny the honesty in her voice, though, and he suddenly knew that she wasn't just assuming she could do such a thing, she had thought about it at length. She would kill for him. He didn't know how to handle that kind of love, that willingness to do whatever it took to save someone she loved, and that that person was him.   
    'Am I so different? She's right,' he realized, 'Maybe I killed Wes for myself, because I couldn't contain that rage anymore, and because I wanted to finally be at peace from him. But that was only a part of it. I was also scared of what he might do, the lengths he might go to destroy my new family. If I killed him for me, I have to also admit that I killed him for them, to protect them.'  
    Just like that, a very large portion of the guilt he had been feeling eased and for the first time, he really looked at what he had done, not through the eyes of the person who had done it, but impartially. He thought about what he would do if he had had actual control over the situation, if he had the opportunity to redo what had happened in the closet. Wes had let go of his throat, he had brought him back from certain death. Name was right, he knew Wes, more than any other human being on the planet could claim to know him, and he knew what his father would have done next, _where_ he would have gone next.   
    Subconsciously, he had realized that, had realized the fear that had been plaguing him since his kidnapping, and it had only served to fuel the rage that had caused him to stab him. Knowing that, if he had found himself calm, without that anger, and still holding that knife, what would he have done?   
    'I would have done the same thing over again,' he realized with a mix of horror and a resolve that brought him a feeling that was very close to relief, 'To save Name, Heero, Quatre, Trowa, and even Wufei, I would have stabbed him. I would have stabbed him to save my family.'  
    "Quatre and Trowa don't blame you either, although I'm sure they'll want to tell you that themselves," he heard Name say, her voice sounding worried at seeing the storm of emotions on his face.  
    That was the final blow to his heart. The only person who hated him for what he had done, after all of the agonizing he had done over it, was himself. He hated himself for letting that anger in, letting it control him, and he hated that he had let Wes into enough of his heart that such violence was possible for him... but he suddenly realized that he no longer hated himself for the outcome, merely his actions. That, in itself, was horrible. He should be overcome with self-loathing knowing he had killed the same man he called his father and had had such a hard time letting go of because of their history together, but he didn't.   
    Objectively, he knew that Wes dying was the best thing for everyone, especially himself. Maybe whoever took his place might come gunning for him, but his family wasn't in danger anymore, not from someone as crazed and homicidal as Wes. He had saved them. How could he feel bad about that? And objectively, he had to admit to himself that if someone had had to died at the end of all this, he was glad it was Wes. In weighing the lives of his rapist versus the lives of Heero and Name, well, there was no contest there. If he was the sort to be egotistical, he would say he had done the world a favor, but even just selfishly, he could survive without Wes in his life, but if Wes had killed Name or Heero, there was no way he could have come back from that.   
    He started to cry harder, squeezing his eyes shut. Name wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly, trying to soothe him. He tried to grasp at that guilt he had felt that had led him to mutilate himself and go mute, listening to all those voices in his telling him he was a murderer, but they were so faint now. Here, with his mother telling him that no one blamed him and that he had probably saved them, his own feelings of self-loathing seemed pretty small and insignificant. All that remained were his fears of his anger, his hate at what he had done simply because it was the same thing he had seen Wes do over and over and over.  
    "I can't stop feeling pain about it," he said between his soft cries, "I can't stop thinking that I need to be punished... that something terrible has to happen to me, even though I know that this is the way it had to have ended... with his death or mine."  
    "I missed you so much," she said painfully, stroking his hair and oblivious to how those words made his heart warm and comforted him at the same time they hurt, a reminder of his fears of losing them, either through Wes' actions or his own, "He took you from us once. I won't let him take you forever without a fight. I will do anything that I can to make you understand that killing Wes does not make you a killer and there is nothing for you to be punished for," she smiled down at him and kissed his forehead, which effectively halted his tears, "For now, you're safe. Wes can't hurt you anymore, please focus on that."  
    He nodded and rested his head against her chest, closing his eyes, not seeing her soft smile but feeling her hands stroking his hair. It felt so good, better than anything else in the world. He had spent five days locked away in the dark, and another week locked away in a psych ward, unable to go home or see his family for more than a few hours. During all that time, he had never allowed himself to believe that he would have this again, this sense of peace. He never thought he would hear his mother's heart beat again or feel this safe in her arms.   
    This was real. He was going to keep his family. He could hate himself as much as his conscience wanted, but he could keep all the things that were important to him. He promised himself he would do exactly what Name had asked of him, one way or another, he would find a way to forgive himself.   
    Neither Name nor Duo moved for awhile, long enough for Duo to start to nod off. Name noticed it as he started to lean against her a bit more, his breathing deepening.   
    "C'mon, love," she prodded, the sound of her voice rousing him again, "Let's have dinner. You haven't had anything to eat since early this morning and I made a stir fry."  
    Duo almost protested. He felt groggy now, all the emotional turmoil he had been through making him feel like a zombie, and he didn't want to face Quatre and Trowa. But he had been fantasizing about his mother's cooking for so long now, and the sound of stir fry made his stomach growl. Besides, she had said that his friends weren't mad at him. He nodded.  
    "I'm pretty hungry," he confessed.  
    She let go of him, the two of them smoothing out their clothes. Duo thought about re-braiding his hair since it was starting to unravel, but decided that he didn't really care. When they walked into the kitchen together, Quatre and Heero were setting the table, lightly bickering about who was going to mow the lawn tomorrow and who was going to check the chlorine levels of the pool water, while Trowa stood at the stove cooking the stir fry.  
    Duo just stood there in the doorway for a moment, unsure of what to do. The three of them, together like this, was exactly what he had imagined friends would be like, long before he had had any besides Solo and the other prostitutes. Looking at them allowed him to see into a past he hadn't been a part of, what they had been like before he had come into their lives. It hadn't been that long since he had felt like a fourth wheel between them... no, that wasn't quite right. Rather, he had felt that he _should_ feel like the fourth wheel.  
    Heero had known Quatre and Trowa for so much longer than him, he had always expected to be second best, but Heero had always treated him like his best friend. They just connected so well, so naturally. Now, he didn't even think of himself as the outcast, or the person that had taken Quatre and Trowa's friend from them. He thought of the four of them as a tight knit unit. Quatre and Trowa might not hate him for what he had done, but Duo still didn't know if the dynamic of their friendship would remain unchanged.  
    Name saw Duo hesitate and prodded him to get him to move forward into the kitchen. His three friends finally noticed him and went completely silent. Heero looked nervous, studying Duo and his mother's faces to try to get some kind of clue of what had happened upstairs. Trowa was his usual, mysterious self, his expression not betraying how he was actually feeling. His boyfriend, on the other hand, looked at Duo as though he couldn't believe he was standing there and didn't know what to say. There were tears in his blue-green eyes and Duo was so sure the blonde would ask him some question about the kidnapping or take note of the tear tracks on his cheeks.  
    "Did you sleep well?" the Arab asked instead, his usual confident voice wavering a little.  
    Duo nodded.  
    "It was nice to sleep in my own bed again," he confessed, reminding himself that they knew everything now, he didn't have to lie or elaborate on his sleeping conditions during his disappearance, "I'm so sorry that I made you guys leave just because I wasn't feeling well, and I made everyone worry about me and take care of my animals..."  
    "You didn't make us leave, Duo," Quatre chided, "Trowa and I had decided that back when you were still in the hospital and we wouldn't have let you talk us out of it."  
    "And I'm pretty sure you didn't kidnap yourself," Trowa said cheekily, "so in reality, Wes was the one that made us worry about you, not you. We would all be pretty crappy people and friends if we hadn't taken care of your cats when you had been unable to."  
    The tall boy stopped stirring and enveloped his younger friend in a tight hug, a rare show of affection from him.  
    "We all missed you so much," he murmured into Duo's chestnut hair, "all we have cared about since you disappeared is getting you back," he pulled back and looked Duo in the eye, "No matter what happened between you and Wes, we understand and we could never hate you for it. I am so sorry you had to do what you did, but we love you and we're so happy you're home."  
    Quatre nodded his agreement enthusiastically.  
    "We could never hate you for doing what you had to to get back to where you are safe and loved," the blonde said with a sad smile, "please don't doubt us."      
    Duo smiled back at him.  
    "I know, I shouldn't have. You're my friends and I love you, it's just so hard for me to believe that I've been so lucky to have friends like you and be allowed to keep you."  
    Trowa and Quatre shared a look, the both of them humbled by the American's words. They both knew that Duo truly meant it, and how much their friendship meant to him.  
    "C'mon, let's get you fed," Trowa broke the serious air with one of his almost non-existent smiles.  
    He picked out a bowl from the cabinet and loaded it up with the stir fry mix; seasoned white rice, chicken, beer, egg, and about every vegetable one could put in a stir fry, including grilled cucumber and bok choy, peapods, onion, peppers, broccoli, and mushrooms. Duo smelled ginger, garlic, soy, and teriyaki emanating from the food and thought his stomach might die from joy right there.   
    "Thank you," he said to both Name and Trowa for the food, like he always did.   
    He tried to go get a glass of milk, but Name shooed him away as Trowa filled four more plates with food. When Duo sat down at the table between Quatre and Heero, his blonde friend grasped his hand.  
    "It's so good to have you home again," he said with tears in his eyes, but a smile on his face.  
    Duo echoed his smile and waited for the rest of his family to sit down at the table before digging into his meal. It was the most delicious thing he had ever eaten, even better than the first meal Name had cooked for him after he had gotten out of the hospital or the first time he had ever tasted her blueberry pancakes or the salmon she would marinate in teriyaki sauce just for him.   
    They ate in peace, not speaking to each other, but every now and then, Duo felt Quatre's hand brush against his and Heero's hand on his back, just little touches from his friends, as though they needed to remind themselves that he was there. When they finished, Duo tried to start washing the dishes, like he normally did, but Name stopped him.  
    "None of that," she scolded with a smile, "Heero and I will do the dishes. You've had a very long and very stressful day. Go to sleep, watch some television, read one of your books. It's your summer vacation and I want you to relax."  
    "Ok," he nodded.  
    Duo had to admit, after everything that had happened, not just recently but this entire year, he ached for just that. Some time for all of it to stop, to just be with his friends and not have to worry about anything for once in his life. He should worry. Even if his family forgave him for what he had done, the man he had spent almost all of his life with was dead because of him. Chris was still alive. Wes' empire would keep running. But right now, Duo realized that he didn't want to care about any of that. He just wanted to be a teenaged boy, enjoying his summer vacation.   
    Name brushed his bangs away from his face and kissed his forehead.  
    "Think about what we talked about, alright?" she whispered.  
    Duo nodded. Name watched warmly as he said good night to Trowa, Quatre, and Heero, each of them giving him a tight hug before he followed Trowa and Quatre up the stairs. She hoped that he would just go to bed, he looked so tired after his long talks with her and her other son.   
    When she and Heero were done with the dishes, he hastily tried to follow his friends up the steps, but Name snagged the back of his shirt before he could even leave the kitchen.  
    "We need to talk about something," she said, her expression suddenly dead serious.  
    "Alright, shoot," Heero said, feeling his stomach twist nervously.  
    "You told us that the night Duo came back, when you found him in your bedroom holding the knife, you took it from him and tossed it under your bed, correct?" she asked.  
    "Yeah."  
    "Did you touch it? With your bare hands?"  
    Heero blinked at her, her brown-eyed gaze fierce as his face suddenly paled, realizing what she was asking.  
    "I had to," he protested, "He was confused, and covered with blood. I thought the blood was his, and in the state he was in, I just wanted to get that knife away from him. I wasn't thinking straight."  
    "What did you do with it? Is it still under your bed?" his mother asked, ignoring the implications of what he had done for a minute.  
    He was silent for a long time, not wanting to answer that question.  
    "Heero," she prodded sternly.  
    "When we came back from the hospital, I thought about throwing it out. I didn't know what to do with the thing, if I should just get rid of it or if Duo would want to keep it, if it had saved his life somehow. Then, when he was admitted into the psych ward, I took it to the creek across town and threw it where the current was strongest, so it would take it past the town line, wherever that creek ends up."  
    "Why did you think to do that?" Name asked, perplexed since back then they hadn't known anything at all about that knife, where Duo had gotten it from, or what had happened to him.  
    "All that blood..." Heero murmured, "and it wasn't his. The night we found him, I was too panicked to really think about it, but when Stark told us that Duo wasn't badly hurt, I knew then that that blood had to have come from someone else."  
    "Did you think that Duo had killed Wes, even back then?"  
    Heero shook his head.  
    "I tried not to think about it. I told himself that it didn't matter, because Duo wasn't hurt. And when I couldn't help but to think about it, I chose to believe that it wasn't serious. Maybe there had been someone else that Wes had hurt, maybe someone else he had kidnapped, one of his subordinates that had crossed him, or something like that. But I think I knew, if only subconsciously, that Duo had been the one to hurt someone. All that blood that was on him... and the way he was clutching the knife, like he was terrified to let go of it... but I never for a second thought that he had killed anyone. I couldn't have. Anyone else... but this was _Duo_. Still, I had no reason to keep the knife, I realized, and every reason to get rid of it, so I did. Should I have kept it?" he asked her, his voice filled with worry and fear.  
    "No," Name soothed him, "you did the right thing. I wish you hadn't touched it with your bare hands, but that was unavoidable. Keeping it close to us, even burying it near this house, would have been very dangerous. Eventually, someone is going to find Wes' body, the police are going to get involved, and someone, somewhere, is going to remember having seeing Duo with Wes at some point. The police might never suspect he had anything to do with it, but if they ever do, better that knife is never found, or is found very far away from here. If it comes out that Duo was living with Wes, that would explain his fingerprints, but not yours. We had better hope they never find it."  
    Heero felt a thrill of fear at that and marveled that his mother didn't look as worried as he did. Although, thinking about it, if the police could pinpoint the time of Wes' murder, he might have an alibi. Even if he didn't, his involvement with Duo, and Duo's involvement with Wes was the only thing that really linked him to the man, and no cop was going to make half-assed accusations at any member of the Yuy family, especially him, without concrete proof. He was far more worried about what would happen to Duo if they linked him to Wes.  
    "Should we do something... about Wes I mean?" he asked, feeling his fear start to be replaced with a fierce feeling of protectiveness for his friend, "Duo's right, if anyone had found the body yet, there would be a news report. It's probably still there at the apartment. If we got there before the cops do-"  
    "No," Name protested sharply, "If no one saw Duo leave that apartment like he says, then he was very, _incredibly_ lucky. If anyone saw us go in there and a violent crime was suspected, it would only throw suspicions at Duo all the faster. Anything we do to alter that crime scene will be one more thing that might put Duo at risk. I'm sure people that live around that area have seen him and Wes together, so his fingerprints and blood being in that apartment won't be that big of a deal. He would be a suspect, but they would need more proof. Us being there and leaving _any_ kind of trace evidence would be incriminating. Even if we got rid of Wes' body, there's no way we could get rid of all the evidence. It's best to let things be where they are."  
    "Then what _do_ we do?" Heero asked, desperate for some way to fix all of this.  
    "We keep an eye on the news, and hope that no policemen or hit men come knocking at our door," she replied solemnly.  
      
*****  
  
    For once, Duo didn't have any nightmares. He didn't know if it was because he was sleeping in his own bed again, he was somewhere safe, close to Name and Heero, or if it was because of the talks he had had with the boy he loved and the woman he considered his mother, but he didn't dream of Wes or darkness or any of his friends telling him painful truths. He vaguely recalled dreaming of something pleasant, but he couldn't remember what it was.   
    He rolled out of bed with a lot more energy than he had had in a very long time. Although he had taken a shower last night, he took another one, still reveling that he could take one, not only a long, hot one, but an unsupervised one. He still had a hard time believing everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours. He was home. No one hated him. It was summer vacation. Wes was dead. That last admission should have made him want to cry or shake like it had before, but even though it was a blow to his heart, the blow was beginning to soften.   
    There was a part of him that missed the man terribly, the same part of himself that would always hate him for what he did, but he blocked it out by remembering Name's arms around him last night. His family was safe, his own petty feelings of what he had done didn't matter. Missing Wes didn't matter. He quickly brushed his hair and got dressed in his bedroom before he remembered his wounded arms. He had taken the bandages off before his shower and now they were naked, the wounds glaring in the light of a sunny, summer morning.   
    He looked at each red cut with a clinical eye, the eye of someone who was used to such wounds. He hated them, just another piece of physical evidence of how close he had come to destroying his new life, to never coming back here. He grabbed the roll of bandages that Dr. Chang had given him to wrap his arms with and tried to do just that, but to no avail. He had been cleaning up his own wounds for as long as he could remember, but the cuts were all over both of his arms, making it practically in possible to wrap them himself.   
    He threw the roll of bandages onto the bed in frustration, feeling pathetic for not being able to do this one, small thing for himself. He couldn't help feeling that his old self would have found a way how out of sure necessity. Was this the price he would have to pay for this new life of his? That the more he came to rely on other people, the people he loved, the less he could rely on himself? Someone knocked on his door, dissipating the stray thought.  
    "Come in," he called.  
    Trowa came in and closed the door behind him. Duo felt a burst of joy in seeing him and wondered how long he would be feeling these moments of utter happiness just at seeing his friends and mother, like a part of him couldn't conceive their presence. He supposed it was nice, to feel so much happiness, a feeling that had been a stranger to him for so long.   
    'I never felt like this around Wes,' he pointed out to himself.  
    Yet another door he could shut in his heart, another reason why he had made the right choice. And yet another thing that made him feel all the worse that he had been unable to make that choice until the very end.   
    Some of Duo's frustration must have shown on his face because the other boy quirked an eyebrow at him.  
    "Having trouble bandaging your arms?" he asked wryly.  
    "Yes," Duo sighed in defeat, "I used to be able to do this when I was a kid, but I can't seem to manage it now for some reason."  
    "What did I tell you?" Trowa asked as he sat down next to Duo on his bed.  
    "Huh?"  
    "About depending on people," the green-eyed boy clarified.  
    Duo blushed, remembering that conversation, and his promise to come to any of his friends if he ever needed their help with something, a promise he was obviously failing at.  
    "I understand," Trowa tried to soothe his younger friend's guilt, "You have been on your own for a very long time. Even when you lived with Wes, you took care of yourself. It's scary, losing that independence, and losing something that has been with you for so long, a skill, a feeling, a memory, or a person."  
    Duo studied him shyly, knowing that Trowa was talking about a lot more than him being unable to bandage his arms.  
    "Not being able to care for yourself like you had been able to as a child does not mean you're weaker or pathetic. Your arms are longer now, and years of malnutrition and anemia have messed up your coordination. Besides, you shouldn't have to need that kind of skill anymore It is frustrating now because you relied on it so much in the past, but you have people to care for you and help you when you need it," his green eyes seemed to pierce into Duo's heart, "And killing Wes doesn't mean you've lost what made you, you. You haven't turned your back on who you were, where you came from, your entire past just because the man who molded you is no longer around."  
    Duo was startled by Trowa's perceptiveness, like he really could see into his soul.  
    "How did you know I felt that way?" he asked softly.  
    "Because you aren't just sad that you killed the man you considered your father. You're scared," the taller boy said, "and because I once felt the same way. I was young when I was taken from my sister and given to my uncle, young enough to be susceptible to him, but old enough to be aware of it. Being with him changed me, mostly for the worse, but I became a different person and I became familiar with that new person. I was scared and angry, all the time, but I also learned to care for myself, to not trust or rely on anyone else.  
    "When my uncle went to jail and I returned to my sister, I still felt that fear. Not of being hurt, but that I would lose everything that had made me, me, and that I would be unable to adapt. I didn't even know if I wanted to, if I wanted to change, and I certainly couldn't rely on my sister's care or anyone else at the circus. Many people, including her, didn't know how to handle it, and it took me years to learn how to ask for help when I needed it, to trust somebody other than myself.  
    "I don't know why, but I had just assumed that my uncle's guardianship over me was going to be a permanent thing. At the same time that I felt I could only rely on myself, I didn't realize I had been relying on him to be a constant force in my life. When that stopped being true, it unnerved me, and I hadn't lived with him nearly as long as you had with Wes. I thought being without my uncle would make me weak, that his control and abuse had shaped me, that I needed it to keep my strength, my self reliance. But I was wrong," he smiled warmly at Duo, "You are who you are, no one can change that unless you let them, unless you want that change. Wes instilled a lot of fear and darkness in you, but it isn't who you are and it isn't anything you can't overcome if you want to badly enough. Your past will always be there, in your memories, you can't lose a thing like that.   
    "You know, you don't need Wes, Duo. You haven't for a very long time. He was the one who needed you."  
    Those words made warmth burst in Duo's heart. If someone else, someone like Dr. Stephenson or even Mr. Khushrenada had said that to him, he would have felt pain, wanting to believe them but unable to. But Trowa knew him, in some ways he knew him better than Heero and Name did or ever could. And when he said those things, he found that he could believe them.  
    When he searched himself, he knew Trowa was right. He didn't need Wes. He dind't need him telling him what to do anymore, he had to rely on himself and his new family, not his past. He missed him, and in some ways he wanted him back, but he could survive without him. He had told himself as a child that he couldn't survive without Wes, because Wes had beaten that believe into him. It had taken all of these years, and much eternal struggle, to realize how strong he could be.  
    Trowa gently grasped Duo's wrists and turned his arms over to look at his cuts. They were still red and raw, some of the deeper ones sluggishly bleeding like a paper cut would from washing them in the shower.  
    "These are looking much better," the Italian complimented, "they're healing very well. I think you'll only really need to keep them covered for today, for the sake of infections. They're going to be tender and will bleed easily until they fully heal, but we can put band-aids on the worst ones and they should be fine, just done' use them too much. They're going to scar though," he mentioned regrettably.  
    Duo shrugged.   
    "I have worse ones than these, I'm used to it," he said and instantly regretted it when his friend's gaze turned sad.  
    The longhaired boy became perplexed when Trowa took a tube of bacterial cream out of his pocket and uncapped it.  
    "You knew I needed that?" he asked.  
    "I know you would try to take care of it yourself instead of ask us and would probably forget to do this," the taller boy said with a slight smirk as he started to put the cream on Duo's cuts, "You don't absolutely need to, but it will help reduce the scarring and keep them from being infected."  
    Duo stayed still as Trowa finished with the cream and wrapped up his arms. He hated the feeling of the bandages, like he was a mummy or burn victim, but he didn't like looking at the wounds either and remembering he had done it to himself.   
    "Did Mr. Hastings call while I was gone?" he suddenly blurted out.  
    "As soon as we were sure you had been kidnapped, Name called him," Trowa assured him, "She told him you had pneumonia and would need some extended time off. He said you would still have your job when you were feeling better, and it's only been two weeks, so don't worry about it."  
    "I'm not that worried," Duo said honestly, "With everything that's happened, I haven't actually thought about my job until now. I'm just so happy to be home, to be back here with my family. Even if Mr. Hastings fires me, it won't impact my life that much. I'll still have a home, a family, food, and an education. I don't want to inconvenience my boss after everything he's done for me, but I can always find another job. Mom told me to relax and not worry about things, so that's what I'm going to try to do, as much as I can. I'll call him in a couple of days."  
    Trowa's features softened to a look of love and affection.  
    "I'm proud of you," he said, ruffling his friend's hair a little, "not all that long ago, you would have worried about it just as much as anything else and wouldn't have been able to just let it go."  
    Duo flushed, but he felt more pride than embarrassment hearing those words from someone he looked up to and whose approval he desperately sought, probably just as much as his mother's. He knew his friend was right. A month ago, he would have nearly given himself an ulcer worrying about losing his job, about letting Name down. But not only was he learning to let go of guilt and get some perspective, he had almost just lost everything that mattered to him. He had survived fighting a lot of his inner demons and he was still dealing with Wes' murder. Compared to all that, losing a part time job seemed so vastly unimportant.  
    Trowa's expression suddenly changed again to something pensive. Duo realized that the older boy hadn't just come in here to help him with his arms, there was something he wanted to say, but was struggling to find the right way to say it. Trowa was always so quiet, but when he did say something, he always said it with eloquence and confidence. It was painful to see him nervous and fumbling like this.   
    "I want to apologize to you," the Italian finally said, looking at the floor instead of Duo, like he was ashamed.   
    "For what?" Duo asked, thoroughly confused.  
    "The day you got kidnapped..." Trowa said with quite a lot of difficulty, his voice heavy with remorse and pain, "It was my fault that happened. I put you in a dangerous situation, all by yourself, and the worst _did_ happen. You getting locked in that closet, and having to kill Wes, all of that is on my head. All the suffering you went through is because of me and my terrible choices."  
    "That isn't true," Duo insisted, "They were _my_ choices. What happened was because of my own foolishness and no one else's. I just talked you into it."  
    "I was the adult!" his friend suddenly snapped and just like that, like watching a dam finally buckle and break, the normally stoic boy started to cry, "Name put _me_ in charge, made me responsible for your safety and I failed her! I failed you! She _never_ would have let you talk her into agreeing to something so stupid. I knew the risks, I knew what was at stake, what could happen to you, and I let you convince me anyway. You could have died in that closet, all because I made the wrong choice..."  
    Duo turned on the bed and wrapped his arms around his friend, holding him tightly like the much taller boy was no more than a child. Trowa clung to him as though, in his heart, Duo was still in danger and his embrace alone could protect him.  
    "I never should have let you go that day," the green eyed boy sobbed into Duo's shoulder, "We almost lost you forever... I'll never forgive myself for that..."  
    "I am so sorry," Duo whispered to him, rubbing his back like how Name and Heero had done for him when he had been this upset, "I thought that if I went home by myself, I could prove to all of you and myself that I'm not the same, weak, scared person I used to be, that I'm growing and getting better and Wes dind't have the same influence over me like he had. But my choice was still motivated by him, I was still letting him control me, just in a different way. My pride... needing to know that you guys believe in me and are proud of me aren't as important as my safety. I didn't think about the true consequences, how much you would suffer if something happened to me.  
    "I was so selfish, and a terrible friend. It was a risk I never should have taken, and all of you hurt because of it. And I learned that I don't need to take my life in my hands like that just to prove I'm strong, that I had nothing to prove because you were proud of me to begin with. All of you have been saying that to me for a long time, but I just couldn't understand why you would be proud, what was in me that you could love."  
    "And do you now?" Trowa asked, untangling himself from the shorter boy.  
    Duo nodded.  
    "I... I don't like myself very much, Trowa," he confessed, "I have never liked myself, so when all of you say you love me and are proud of me just for being here and trying to do better, it's hard for me to accept that. But I'm starting to understand that even if it's hard for me to see the good things in myself, all of you do. Just knowing that makes me try to see those things, too," his violet eyes met Trowa's tear-reddened emerald ones, "I promise, Trowa, I will never put you in that position again, I'll never ask you to let me put myself in harm's way just to gain a little bit of confidence. I'll find that confidence another way, somehow. I know it's a little bit too late to promise that, with Wes dead, but I mean it. I'm done taking risks and forgetting that I'm not by myself anymore. I have people I can rely on and people who my actions can hurt."  
    "We love you, Duo," Trowa smiled at him, "all of us. All we want is for you to be happy and safe. And we will try our hardest to get you to see why there is so much in you to love and be proud of."  
  
*****  
  
    When he heard Trowa cry and what Duo said to comfort him, Heero felt his stomach squirm, realizing the private moment he was inadvertently eavesdropping in on while he stood in the hallway right outside Duo's door, waiting for Trowa to come out so he could speak with him. In all of their years as friends, Heero had never heard Trowa cry like that, but he certainly didn't judge him for it. He remembered the terror he had felt when he had realized Duo had been taken from them. He had even blamed Trowa for quite some time for it, even though deep down he had known Trowa had never meant for it to happen and it probably _would_ have happened no matter Trowa's involvement.  
    Back then, he had been too consumed with his own pain to think about his friends' or his mother's, but he certainly understood Trowa's. He knew, from first hand experience, what that guilt felt like, to make a rash decision that had almost cost his friend's life.  
 _"I don't like myself very much."_  
    Those words spread pure agony in Heero's heart. He knew that Duo had a lot of problems with confidence and how he saw himself, and he knew the damage Wes had done after constantly telling him that he was unloved, stupid, and worthless. He liked to think that everyday their actions helped alleviate a little bit of that damage, but he also knew that they could never fully repair it, and that hurt. Still, Duo acknowledging that they saw good things in him, and that he understood they really were proud of him and not just lying to him was a kind of victory, wasn't it? Or at least a step in the right direction.   
    Duo's door opened and Trowa stepped out, startling Heero from his thoughts. He almost tried to make it look like he had just been walking past Duo's door instead of standing here listening to their conversation, but he knew Trowa would just see through him like he always did. If the tall boy was offended that he had heard what they had been talking about, he didn't show it, instead shooting him a questioning glance.  
    "I need to talk to you," Heero said softly, feeling a bit shy from his embarrassment. He looked past Trowa into Duo's room and saw that his best friend hadn't noticed him yet, but was unpacking the box he had brought home from the ward, "not where he can hear," he said significantly, wincing a little at home it sounded like he was keeping things from Duo, even though that was exactly what he was doing. But Trowa understood and nodded.   
    "We can talk in my room. Quatre is getting an early start on weeding the flower beds."  
    Heer followed him into his room. His two childhood friends, like Duo, had really turned this guest room into their own. The room was the bigger of the five guest rooms they had in the house, about the same size as the master bedroom his mother had claimed as hers. He wondered if she had chosen this house in hopes the two might visit since it was big enough for the both of them to occupy. She had even furnished it with two bookshelves and two desks when they had moved in, including a king sized bed instead of the full sized ones in Heero and Duo's rooms.   
    Heero could easily tell whose side of the bedroom was whose. Quatre's desk was covered in various papers, his laptop open and on sleep mode. Without looking at the papers or touching his computer, Heero knew that the papers were reports and data from his father's company and that Quatre had used his computer this morning to talk to either Iria or one of his other many, many sisters. His friend had been doing that a lot lately, catching up with what was going on with both his family, and the family business.     Before his father had found out about him and Trowa, Shahir Winner had been modeling his son to take after him when it came time for him to retire. Even after he had shut him out, Quatre hadn't been able to turn any of that off, taking in all of the news that his father refused to tell him through his sisters. His bookcase held a mix of all kinds of different books, mostly fiction, including some fairy tales anthologies from his homeland. Trowa's desk, on the other hand, was completely bare, not a single thing on it to show that he used it at all, even though Heero knew he did. His bookcase was filled with informational books, mostly on veterinary medicine and various mechanical guides.   
    Trowa closed the door behind them, waking up Cassie who had been curled up on the bed. She eyed them suspiciously, but when they made no move to go near the bed, she closed her eyes again.   
    "I want to apologize," Heero said to Trowa, "for how I acted when you told us you let Duo walk home alone."  
    "Heero, it's fine, I understand-" the Italian started to protest.  
    "No, it isn't," the other boy said firmly, "I'm not saying that I like the choice you made. You told Duo that my mother wouldn't have made that choice, and I wouldn't have either," he took a deep breath, "but that was no excuse for attacking you. I let my fear and my anger take control of me again. I understand why you made that choice, that you were trying to do the right thing for Duo. I forgive you for that, and I never should have taken my feelings out on you. You didn't know what was going to happen. Hell, if that bus accident hadn't happened, he probably would have made it home safe. I still wouldn't have taken that risk, but you thought you were giving him what he needed, a chance to feel better about himself. I can't blame you for that. I would give anything to give him that, myself, but because of how I feel about him... I'm too scared to take those kinds of risks."  
    "I appreciate that, Heero," Trowa said, "and I understand why you reacted that way. If it had been Quatre, I would have done and said the same things. But that isn't why you wanted to talk to me, is it?"  
    Heero felt himself blush. He didn't want to discuss this with his friend, with anyone, really. But he needed to.   
    "I'm in love with Duo," he said in a weak voice. He knew that Trowa and Quatre were already aware of that fact, Wufei, too, but this was the very first time he had spoken those words out loud and both he and Trowa felt the heavy weight of them, "At first, it was just lust. You know what I was like back then. I was somewhere new, somewhere I didn't want to be. I was bored and Duo was pretty, even back when he had been too thin and unhealthy, I had been attracted to him. When we first met, I thought he would just be something I could do to alleviate my boredom. Just another one of my... flings... you know?" Heero struggled, far from proud about how he had once seen his now best friend.  
    Trowa nodded. The last few years, Heero had bounced from partners, although Trowa hesitated to call them that since they only lasted a couple of days. Flings, just like Heero had said. Each boy, he had only kept around long enough to satisfy himself, then he hadn't wanted anything to do with them. Most of them had just been attractive schoolmates that had just gone along with it because Heero was rich and handsome, and it had been something to brag about to their friends, sleeping with the Yuy heir.   
    But a few of them had genuinely liked the Japanese boy, and his coldness had hurt them, which, Trowa was sure, had been Heero's intention. He hadn't gone out of his way to cause pain, but rather had used that pain to distance himself from them. The old Heero had been a hypocrite, not wanting anyone to get close, but unable to truly cut off all his feelings, hence the flings. Physically, Duo was exactly the kind of boy that that Heero would have gravitated to for a short while. Pretty, shy, intelligent, and interesting enough to grab his attention.   
    He didn't especially like how his friend had acted back then, anymore than Heero himself did, but it just made him feel all the more grateful to Duo for pulling him out of it. That Heero was standing here, telling him that he loved Duo, actually loved him, was such a drastic change from that angry, bitter child he had once been.   
    "Even when we became friends and we kept hanging out, I felt attracted to him and thought that, one day, it would just happen that way. But when Wufei kept throwing himself at him, I realized I didn't want that. Seeing how Duo was reacting to that whole situation, I felt so angry at Wufei for being that disrespectful, so how could I think about him that way? And then when we found out what was really going on in his life, and I saw how strong he was, despite everything, I realized that it wasn't just a crush. I loved him. And every day I see him, every day he's here with us, I love him more and more. No matter what I try, these feelings never get anymore tolerable."  
    "Heero," Trowa sighed, "you should tell him that."  
    "That's exactly the problem!" his friend snapped back, "I've tried to hide it from him! I've tried to push those feelings down, to stop letting them overwhelm me. I even tried to stop loving him, but I _can't_. I don't want to stop loving him," he whispered, "I like how he makes me feel, just by looking at me and smiling at me. I've never felt this way my entire life, and I don't want to lose it. But it hurts. Sometimes I just... I get so weak... I want too much from him and I almost tell him the truth. I've even come close to kissing him! I need to stop this, before I do something stupid! But I don't know _how_."  
    "You can't keep this bottled up inside," Trowa said softly, "Just trying to ignore that much emotion isn't possible, trust me, I know. When I realized that I was in love with Quatre, I tried to keep it from him. His father didn't even like that he was friends with a nothing like me. Quatre already knew that he was gay, and he had been absolutely terrified of his father finding that out. How could I do that to him? I thought, if Quatre didn't love me, it wouldn't matter if he knew, and if he did, I would be forcing him to either keep it a secret from his family, or make a choice between me and what he had been raised to be. I couldn't be that selfish.   
    "So I hid it from him, as best I could. But Heero, no matter how hard you fight it, those things don't go away and they can't be locked up. I never told Quatre, he figured it out on his own, and I will always regret that. If I had just taken the chance, it would have helped him with his own feelings a lot sooner."  
    "Duo isn't Quatre," Heero protested, "and I am never going to tell him, no matter how much it hurts me. I just need to find a way to stop from losing control-"  
    "There isn't anything, Heero," Trowa said in rare frustration, "You said it yourself. Every day you're with him, you realize how much you love him. Almost kissing him is worse than telling him that you love him, so what is exactly is holding you back? Do you think he'll hate you for it? Weren't you the one who just told him not to tell him how you feel?"  
    "No," Heero murmured, "he won't hate me. It would be better if he did."  
    Trowa shot him a completely perplexed look and his friend sighed again.   
    "Right before Duo told me what had happened to him when he had been kidnapped, I was going to tell him. I was convinced that it was what I needed to do."  
    Trowa waited for him to keep going, but Heero fell silent, his expression dark.  
    "And now you aren't going to," he summed up, not even needing Heero to tell him that he was right, "I can understand, he needed to talk to you, and he was so emotionally drained after all that, you couldn't tell him. But you were ready to tell him then, what huge thing has changed from then and now that you lost that courage?"  
    "He told me that Wes said he loved him," Heero said grudgingly, remembering the raw and unbearable pain in his best friend's voice when he had told him that, "and he told me what that did to him, every time he heard those words, how it killed him inside, how it made him want things and feel things he never should have wanted or felt. They made him confused and he made bad choices that he never would have made if the asshole had just kept quiet."  
    "You aren't Wes," Trowa said forcefully, having the sudden urge to beat sense into his friend, "how can you possibly base your decision-"  
    "I know I'm not," Heero snapped, "I would never hurt him, and I would never say something like that to him just to tie him to me like Wes did! But how can I possibly know that telling him I love him won't have that same effect, that he'll make a bad choice because of me, because he'll feel like he has to, to make things better for me?!"  
    "And how do you know that it won't help him?!" Trowa shot back, "How do you know that him knowing that there is someone out there, someone who he respects and knows respects him, who finds him attractive and loves him that much, won't give him some of that confidence that he's been desperately searching for?!"  
    "Because I can't handle that kind of responsibility!" Heero yelled, tears dripping down his cheeks, "because I cannot possibly know that, if I say those things to him, he won't feel pressured to lie and say that he loves me back just because he doesn't want to lose me as a friend, or because he just wants to be loved, even if he doesn't feel that way back. I can't do that to him! Maybe it would be good for him, maybe it would give him confidence, but that is just one thing in the thousand of things that could go wrong here!     "He just lost someone he loved, and he did it for us, as well as himself. How can I risk taking our friendship away from him because of my selfish feelings? He is so emotionally fragile... how can I know that he can even handle knowing that I love him, that I see him as anything else than my best friend? He isn't ready for that, and I would be a piece of shit to force him to make a decision that huge after all the pain he went through just deciding what he wanted his future to be."  
    Trowa looked at him sadly.  
    "He's strong. You know that, but you're making this choice on the worry that he isn't, despite everything your heart is telling you. You think he isn't ready to hear that his best friend loves him. I think he is. I think he can separate what Wes felt for him and what you feel for him, quite easily. And I think he has proven that he is fully capable of making these kinds of choices for himself. But it isn't my decision, it's yours."  
    "Yes it is," Heero said with conviction, "and I'm choosing to not tell him, and to find a way to keep my silence, even if don't want to help me do that. I'm just doing what you did when you let him go off on his own that day. I'm choosing what I think is best for him, even if everyone else thinks I'm making the wrong choice."  
    He turned and walked to the door, putting his hand on the knob.  
    "You're an idiot," Trowa said tiredly, "You aren't sparing him pain. All you're doing is insuring that you're going to be miserable."  
    Heero glanced back at him, then opened the door.  
    "I know," he muttered under his breath, so low that Trowa couldn't hear him, and walked out of the bedroom.  
  
End Part 23

 

Author's Note: Ugh, posting all of this took forever, but my backlog for this story is finally up! Now, for those of you who are just reading this story for the first time, this and all of my other stories have been put on hiatus so I can finishing A Stagnation of Love. So don't worry if it looks like nothing is being worked on, none of these stories are getting abandoned (especially not The Road to Kindness), I just want to finish ASOL first because it was the first story that I ever wrote and it's way overdue for an ending. I just need to post Poisoned Memories, 'Til Him, and VSL, then I'll be done uploading my old stuff. I'm not going to post everything, however. Some works aren't getting posted because I intend on rewriting them at some point while others aren't going up because they were written so long ago that I find them terrible and embarrassing. However, if anyone is curious, they are available at fanfiction dot net and adultfanfiction. Still debating if I'm going to post the first draft of ASOL that I ever wrote as well.


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